#I thought I was going to write something fluffy and then Moryo’s self loathing crashed in like a freight train and demanded to be addressed

[annoyinglandmagazine]

Lesbian Halenthir pt 10

Haleth didn’t mean to say it. She knew that whatever was going on between her and Moryo it was doomed to eventual failure and pain. After all she was only a ripple in the immortal life of an elf. But in this one matter these two infinitely logical women lost the ability to think clearly or rationally.

Caranthir had noticed the state of Haleth’s cloak when they’d begun to undo their armour and immediately demanded to have it handed to her. Haleth had been confused but passed it over and Caranthir had crossed her long legs and sat on the ground, taking out the thread and needles that she’d kept in her skirts, because of course she had. Who didn’t keep sewing materials in pockets under their armour while fighting.

Haleth had set to sharpening her sword next to her but found it hard to focus. Moryo was focused on her task and her long pale fingers moved nimbly while her curtain of hair, that she had slipped out of its braids, spilled over her shoulders and all the way down her back and around her in inky waves. She had started to embroider the most beautiful roses unto it once she’d finished and flushed as red as them once she realised that Haleth had noticed, pulling her eyes back down to her hands and nervously pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. And Haleth’s resolve weakened as she was overcome by deep affection for the person in front of her. The words were out before she could think of them fully.

‘I love you.’ Caranthir stopped, feeling her eyes widen, hardly able to believe what she had heard. ‘You don’t mean that.’ She said abrasively, angry at herself for doing this to Haleth. How could she deceive such an incredible person into falling in love with someone who never existed? For it must be that she’d presented herself falsely to her, no one would ever be capable of loving her if she had been honest.

‘What, am I too unintelligent to understand the meaning of the words I say? Too unsophisticated to know my own feelings? For how could a mere mortal understand the concept of love?’ Haleth was fuming her words practically spit out as she rose from the ground to glare at the elf. This was right. She should be angry at her, Caranthir must have been genuine here, anger was the correct response when she spoke. So Caranthir did what she did best. She straightened up to look Haleth in the eyes, squared her shoulders and yelled.

‘I’m a monster! I killed people, innocent people, my hands are drenched in their blood! My insignia, my face, my sword or my name invoke fear and hatred in most of my species, even in the children, those who have done nothing to invoke my wrath! I taint and burn all those who are unfortunate enough to know me let alone love me! I’m vengeful, harsh and too weak to stand up to my father or brothers even when they lead us and our people even further into doom for our crimes! Whoever you think you love they are merely a fragment of your imagination! A monster is all I will ever be and if you think there was ever anything more than that it is either the product of deception or wilful ignorance.’

Haleth refused to take a step back or flinch at Caranthir’s words looking straight into those dark blue eyes, now glistening with tears that refused to be shed. When she spoke she kept her voice level ‘I am not here to analyse your every decision and action and look into your every motivation to cast judgement on whether or not you deserve to be punished. I will not do this because I am nowhere near absolved of all wrongdoing myself and I cannot tell you if you are a good person because I do not believe such a thing exists in this world. I know only that you may well be all these things you have spoken of but you are also the Carnistir that I have known these past months and that elf may not be a good person but it is certainly a person with depth and most definitely a great deal more than a monster. And know that I love you not as some bewitched deceived victim but only as a woman who loves all the aspects of another so much they feel they could burst. And if you do not feel that my love could ever be enough to understand the depths of an immortal elf just tell me and you need never be bothered by it again.’

Caranthir sank to the ground pulling her knees to her chest while the first silent tears slipped past her defences. She whispered then her voice barely audible, ‘I do not deserve it. You should give it to someone else, someone that is even a fraction of the person you are, or at least deserving of any form of love from anyone. I am not.’ She was aware of Haleth kneeling next to her. Then like a jolt of lightening she felt her cup her chin, pulling her face gently upwards to look her in the eyes. She waited for a response for Haleth to realise her mistake and get out while she could. She was probably being kind to her, letting her down gently with one last show of affection. More proof that Haleth was far kinder than she deserved.

‘You are. You deserve all the love on this world. I could not give my heart to any other even if I wanted to, ever since I first saw you that day, like a figure from legends. And I would not even if I had the choice for my choice would always be you. You are the first person I’ve ever known to look at me and really see the person I am and I feel more secure in that person every day just knowing that if someone as strong and intelligent as you can look at me with so much warmth I must be doing something right.’ Moryo suddenly wrapped her arms around Haleth, collapsing unto her shoulder to quietly sob. Haleth hugged her back and the knelt together in each other’s arms on the floor for what felt like hours. Caranthir then spoke into Haleth’s shoulder. ‘I love you to. So much.’