#I think? i don't know i can't stip crying

[aberooski]

I take things one day at a time because I can't think about the future. I cannot comprehend the future. I'm afraid of the future it breaks my brain and all I can think about is that the only way to make it better would be if I wasn't here anymore, and I can’t think about the past because it makes me sad and long for the way it used to be and things and people that aren't there anymore and again and how afraid I am that I'll never find that place again. I used to be happy I used to feel like I had a place in the world I used to feel like people cared about me I used to not be so scared of living, and again all I can think about is that the only way to make things better would be if I wasn't here anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about anything I wouldn't have to worry about how bleak my future looks or living in a world without anyone or anything I love because I wouldn't be there anymore to miss them. And I hate that. I hate thinking that way because I know that isn't true. I don't want to think that way. The last thing I want is to go away, the last thing I want is to not be here anymore, but nothing can fix me. I'm so sad and angry and lonely and scared all the time and nothing can help me nothing can make it go away. I haven't been able to do anything but lay in bed when I get home from work all week. Lay in bed and do nothing productive and waste my life. Like it had any value to waste in the first place, what a joke. I can't even say anything to anyone in my real life about anything because nobody listens to me. Nobody gives a shit to even listen much less try and do anything to help me. And I say that because I know. So many things I do and even say are cries for help, like actual cries for actual help, like I'm scared and sad and angry and I don't know what's wrong with me or how to deal with it or how to fix it or what's even actually wrong with me please help me, and nobody does anything nothing ever comes of it. I can't say anything outright I've never been able to as hard as I try. I'm too anxiety riddled and awkward and timid to ever be able to manage it and nobody would listen to me or take me seriously anyway. I'm not my sister or my brother, I'm the middle child nobody cares about I'm not special I don’t have any significance. Even when I can voice things everyone just sits there and listens and lets me cry and pour myself out and then nothing happens. It's always I just have to hang in there or I just have to keep looking for another job or I just have to keep trying to perform people get rejected all the time it sucks but that's just how it is or you're not missing anything being single it's not a big deal or we'll get your driver's license this month/year/eventually or I'm not the forgotten child and then nothing. No actual help, or if there is it lasts for like, a day or a week or whatever then everyone forgets about me yet again. Everyone moves on to more important things that actually matter unlike me. Like every day when my grandma takes me to work she prays for me and tells that she lives me and to keep hanging in there. And I live my grandma I love her so much she practically raised me because my parents got divorced for a few years when I was little and mom always worked so we spent so much time at grandma's house and I appreciate that she at least tries to be encouraging and supportive but I need actual help. I need to be the priority for once in my life. I'm a child in the body of a 24, almost 25 year-old woman. I can't do anything for myself I don't know how to function like a normal person I don't know how to be my age I don't know how to do anything. I've never not been taken care of by people I don't know how to take care of myself I don't know how to be a person I don't know how to exist in this world I don't know how to be alive anymore. Every day I mourn the experiences I was supposed to have. That I grew up expecting to have that everyone else around me had while I sat by and watched and waited on the sidelines for my turn.

I've never had a significant other in my life and feel so inferior and unworthy and unlovable and disgusting and I'll never have it now. It's too late for me now, I'm too old to have never been desired by anybody and nobody ever will now and I won't blame them. It wasn't supposed to be like this I was supposed to have a high school sweetheart I was supposed to have gone on a date I was supposed to have been kissed and held and looked at fondly and I was supposed to have hearts and stars in my eyes and it was supposed to be magical it was supposed to be everything I dreamed I would have it's all gone. My dreams are all dead I'll never have that childhood young love it's too late it's all gone I won't have another chance. And when I say how much that hurts me and how it hurts every day that goes by that I'm alone all I get told is that it's no big deal. That I'm not missing anything. That I'm better off. Well fuck you. I'm not better off. That doesn't help me it only hurts me more. That only makes me feel like there's even more wrong with me for never having romantic love and feeling sad because I want it. But apparently I shouldn't want it that what it feels like you're all saying to me.

And I'm resentful of my sister for trying to move out of our house even though she's just moving to our great grandma's old house like five minutes away. How dare she that's not how it's supposed to be, that's not what's supposed to happen. Nobody's supposed to leave everyone's supposed to stay together everybody's supposed to stay with me nobody's supposed to go anywhere nobody's supposed to leave me please don't leave me. I can't handle chance I just can't. Nobody's supposed to go this is out home I'm not supposed to go this is my home this is all I've ever known. I'm not supposed to be this old. This wasn't supposed to happen I'm not supposed to get older I'm supposed to be my parent's kid. I'm supposed to be the kid I'm not supposed to be on my own I'm not supposed to be afraid of change because nothing's supposed to change. I'm not supposed to think of people and places and things and remember they're not there anymore that's not fair that's not how it's supposed to be. I'm not supposed to worry I;m supposed to be a kid I'm supposed to be happy I'm only supposed to be worried about homework and which friend's house I'm staying at this weekend or playing games with my brother and sister and if there's going to be a snow day today and what toys I'm gonna get for my birthday and christmas this year and which disney princess I want to be for halloween and summer break and it's not supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be like this nothing's supposed to change why is everything changing why do I have to lose people why do things have to be this way it's not fair it's not it's not it's not it's not it's not I'm not supposed to be this way. I need help. I'n not supposed to need hel,p everything is supposed to be okay I'm supposed to be a normal person I'm supposed to be okay I don't understand I don't know what to do I;m scared I don't like this I don't want it to be this way I don;t like this world anynmroe I don't want to be here but I don't want to go either I want to go back I want to star over I want my life back I want things to make sense again i don't want to be broke anymore I want our cat to be alive again I want to drive past grandma mary's house and not have to remmeber that she's gone now I don't want to hae to worry about how much longer I'll have with my grandparents I don't want my aunt to move away again I don't want anyone to leave me please don't leave me alone please please please please please please I don't know what to do I don't know what's wrong with me I want it all back I can't do this anymore I can't take this I can't be older I can't get older I'm not supposed to get older I'm not strong enough to get older i;m not i'm not i'm not i'm not i'm not i'm not

I want my mom

[littlestpersimmon]

I dont have a support system after my cousin moved away, I don't I really don't. Whenever I reach out to anyone online I'd get told to seek a therapist, or seek more and new friends when my problem is that I am not getting love and affirmation that I need from them. What am I spposed to do. I seek therapy I seek human connection, why do my already existing friends think this way of me? It feels juvenile to say all the things I jst said but I feel totally unnecessary to the world. So many of my relatives tried to "arrange" a marriage with me by saying they will fund my immigration to America so I can find more work opportunities to help with the cancer yreatment of my two close relatives in our extended family but then they will randomly say "yes but you habe to marry this man you have never met and is also 15 years older than you." I can't stip crying, no matter what I do, I sold my bike, I sold some of my books and I'm taking in s many commissions, I've reached out to so many people in my life, I've been irritating everyone, I've been posting so many things on timblr, I've exhausted all my options, I've went to every clinic in manila, I go tonsleep crying, I wake up crying, I text people crying, I work I'm crying. I don't want to marry this guy, I want mybcousin back, please come home..please come home. I want my friends back, why is this happening to me HaShem?! What did I do for things to end this way for me?? My face hurts, my back hurts, my wrists hurts, please tell me things will get better, I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Please God please please please.

[possura]

This post contains a lot of venting and some triggers...

When I was 5 or 6 years old, we were in a friend of my parent's house and I started to cry because I trully believed if my mother would drink a glass of beer she would die - cut to her not even trying to understand it, treat it as just me "behaving as a bad kid", locking me in a room and spanking me while saying she would do worse if I cry or scream. Looking back now, it wasn't some "normal tantrum" or "child stuff" but guess what? She's so obsessed with an idea of "normality" that doesn't even exist that she rather spank me and proudly talk about it with anyone, than try to understand wtf was happening with me. She used to beat me for no reason at all just because I "acted weird and embarassed her in front of everyone" and the embrassement was like cry because someone decided it was a good idea to tickle me until I cry (nowaday you don't even need to touche me, just say you're going to tickle me and I'll panick).

And now she's all like "oh you don't tell me anything" of course not! I'm a 25 years old adult, I manage to do my stuff all alone like I always did because she never cared at all. And every single decision I'm going to make, she's willing to say what she thinks I need to do not because it's for MY well being, but to her have some kind of benefit.

She tries to control my money so she can spend on her stuff and the debts she did in my name that go to hell, because it's my name at stake anyway...

Every single time I lock myself in my room because I think there's a strange outside that wants to hurt me, she appeals to "it's spiritual and YOU KNOW THAT!" trying to convince me that there's some kind of spirit haunting me or something like that. She freak out when I cut myself but never tried to understando - btw she thinks say "stip it because I AM SAYING" will make it magically better. She even said to my sister I tried to kill myself once because of the cuts (I do them when I dissociate to "come back to focus" or when I'm angry and not thinking straight - I just do it.. I think I need to do it..).

Once I scheduled an appointment and the clinic didn't allow you enter accompanied (which was a relief because she don't lemme speak and says what she thinks it's wrong and not what I'm feeling and call me a liar in front of the doctor even though I'm not lying) and she jus started to pretend being crying saying that she never saw anywherer a place where a mother can't accompany her own daughter in an doctor appointment.

It's getting harder to deal with her but I don't have money enough to leave her house, and she makes it difficult every single day. If she realizes I'm in a bad day she do anything she can to make me worse and then says I'm lying and she's not doing anything.

I'm afraid to see a psychiatrist because she'll use the diagnosis to her own fun and to try manipulate me - also she'll tell everyone what I have and how hard it is for her to deal with me because I'm giving her soooo much work and she's tired... While I'm struggling on my own and she's just complaining about everythin...