#I think we forget that Jimmy does just look like a regular guy

[blimbo-buddy]

Sorry to put you all through my diseased ramblings of this listerine game but I also want to add that I think if you make Jimmy look all dirty and scary and greasy you gotta make the other crew member's designs follow in the same aesthetic pattern. To help Jimmy blend in more

[onebraincell-itmiebcraft]

Liveblogging real life part 2: Joel (it's been 12 13 days) (already watched)

Okay so maybe we'll do the liveblog-every-five-minutes-unless-something-crazy thing also idk if I should link this up to my intro post (idk how) or reblogged my og one with this oh well we'll figure it out why am I eating AGAIN doing this

I got inspired after rewatching secret life my beloved for the umpteenth time :P

Okay ep. 1/finale is hilarious and new "series" 😭

Joel why did you point out the cursor I can't take my eyes away

First batch

Joel jumping then immediately keeling over in nausea:

Idk how to respond to that but it struck a chord within me, how true

BigB wholesome waving but it also looks like his arm is BENT I can't get over VR arms man 😭

Punching BigB because he's so tall is so real tbh + love the smash cut to Gem being salty

Headpatting + baby-ish voice "little gem/Ren/skizz" what a gentleman makes me think of the try not to cry challenge or Jimmy's crazy christmas series where he says Joel is a crybaby and Gem says he's a romance guy in a mental gymnastics train of thought

Grian throwing his head back from the outside?! Cryptid behaviour

The real life vids don't make me motion sick but Joel making retching and vomiting sounds does NOT help it makes me sick by proxy or something I hate being disoriented and nauseous too buddy

There's probably a video out there of someone comparing regular mc to vr because vr just hits different like proportions wise

Joel noises

Love this Joel-Gem duo already idk how to describe it just fun

Also Joel having to process out loud he won't throw up on Gem I remember playing Richie's plank experience or whatever years and years ago shit was REAL

Joel's inventory becoming disorganized with things that can be stacked together :(

Hey what gem said kinda reminds me of what grian said :D at the end of his episode awful :DD

Poor Joel he's battling his height complex alongside his motion sickness (rip bozo poor little meow meow)

I think almost everybody had the problem of facing the wall dude, it's okay it's very silly

Water foreshadowing (he will swim with his future gang and become incredibly sick)

Geminislay that pig

Wait till Joel learns about lying down‼️‼️

JOEL STOP MAKING NAUSEOUS SOUNDS I'M GONNA FROW UP 👹

"...Falling in powdered snow" kinda reminds me of this short story I read in grade 9 English class "The Bamboo Trap" protag fell in The Bamboo Trap™ and got bitten by big ass spiders or something the idiot, also I think got published in the same anthology as the most dangerous game 👊

Joel admits to weakness

Weird ass snow, someone built this or something?

Joel with his arms out looks so silly, so does gem

Oh gem how graceful with the figure skating history 👊👊👊✌️👉✌️✌️🤜🤛🤛🤜🙏

Lol they learn about the wrist chat

Second batch

Jimmy, oh iconic Timmy

Shield (why did I write this again?)

Bi shoes, love seeing gem's skin wearing the bi shoes I forget about it every once in a while and when I see it again it's a pleasant surprise

Vr players learn to pvp

When you use the shield to block in first person it looks kinda stupid dude

Campsite vibes tbh, I really like it.

Bee spotted 🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝 what is it doing

Shaky controller cursor over top chest plate I feel you

Falling irl indeed (recursive mention about plank)

LOUD holy moly Joel is loud (not negative)

Healf being something people can't look at at all times is actually a kinda funny mechanic

Smajor friendship aww when will they team up (did I forget about a series)

The poor beg for bread, we live in a society ✊😔

Grian killing??? Since when??? (Sarcastic)

Batch three

Peace and love is why they haven't died yet 😘

Arms again! Weird looking things

Hand gesture reminds me of that one diamond scar short with etho's greedy "I want the diamond" voice

Flint and steel? Weird looking thing

Omg red club looks like bugs, the way the trio gossips about them ♥️

Right no out messages...

Can't believe the most motion sick man gets in the water not once but TWICE this ep

Does he know

Where did the horse thing come from

Can't remember if I mentioned this but when the sword swings without critting in VR it looks so silly it pokes

A bugs life: the sequel

Club: deadly euphemism

Sword 😐

Something about jimmy doesn't get burnt...

Why is Jimmy jiggles the only one with a wooden sword???

Strong words from a man on the verge of mania 👀

Lol knowing impulse breaks the ground under Joel big brain man going for the kill

Something about the disappointed way Joel says "scar!" And scar stabbing him in the first caused this

Tim is so British he says "get in" so much

Joel, again exasperated, cries out "where's all my stuff?!"

Funny Minecraft men, my favourite funny Minecraft men

My god seeing from Joel's perspective his second death is from zombie

I think Joel was about to saying bluming + the cover behind house + the constant begging for his stuff back + violence as an answer (he hits men)

4

Oh scar up to no good again

JOEL GETS IN THE WATER AGAIN!!! MOTION SICKNESS WIN!

Joel and scar just did mitosis stop being scared of biology 🙄

What was Mr solidaritygaming doing in that hill and said yes to did he finally get iron?

Aw the silly arm motion I love greeting people with spirit fingers reminds me of that

GOON SQUAD?! (neuron activated)

Famous moment

Oh more famous moment here comes the smallidarity kiss

Love Tim's body language once again the sharp smooth head turn to grian he's like a cartoon character

(what grian mean they are suited and booted he cut this part out I don't remember the other povs 😢)

Leave it to solidaritygaming himself to be the most homoerotic straight man there is of course + Joel is still patting him on the head? + Timsel being cringefail needing to jump multiple times on ONE BLOCK + Joel did NOT need to lean that much he looks like he's powered by springs + Jim's arms always being so tight together. Makes him. Look like. An old granny??? + Joel IMMEDIATELY checking his wrist afterwards like it's a Tuesday and he's on break + homophobic GRIAN + impulse's dad delivery one liner

The more I watch smallidarity kiss the more bizarre and asinine it becomes to me 😀

When did Joel learn to button jump (he WAS mental for jumping irl irl)

Okay Joel cut out that canary comment why don't you 🙄🙄🙄

WHACK 💀 SHAKE YOUR HANDS REAL FAST 💀💀 JOEL SCREAM #3997 💀💀💀

Fond of Joel's cadence of saying "hello guys!" And "I'm coming in boys!" And "HAHA!" oddly musical

Okay aaaaaaand he dies worst ranking ever good for him the end

Idk if I should liveblog scar next or watch Ren because I've already watched up to skizz + me 'ead 'urts oh well

[agentnico]

Shrinking - Season 1 (2023) Review

“What kind of a person hugs and tells!?” is a great line! I get that out of context this quote means nothing to the passive reader, however within the moment and Harrison Ford’s delivery of that line is pure hilarious perfection. If you’re intrigued, it’s the more reason to watch this show!

Plot: A grieving therapist starts to break the rules by telling his clients exactly what he thinks. Jimmy has lost his wife and wants to try a new approach to his loss, but it is unclear how this will help others.

Amongst Apple TV+ aim of dominating the streaming realm, we have been given the pleasure of receiving a new comedy drama series from the writers of Ted Lasso. That’s it - stop there. You sold me this one. As for anyone who hasn’t seen Ted Lasso, it is probably the one main reason to subscribe to the Apple streaming platform. Ted Lasso may just feature the most outright positive set of characters to ever grace television screens. Especially the titular Ted, played charmingly by Jason Sudeikis, offers compassion, humility and decency, even in the face of insults and abuse. His unshakeable good mood could have been an irritating trait in the wrong hands, but Sudeikis gave the character an endearing quality which lifted viewers' spirits. And the surrounding cast around him is for the most part delightfully lovely. Except for Nate. I mean f*** that guy, am I right?? So the writers set out to repeat the magic with the new series titled Shrinking. Does it have the cult status set out by its older football-themed brother? Well...

What Shrinking reminds me of is those early 2000s Judd Apatow comedies, that always featured one outlandish (commonly raunchy) plot point however within that were a set of immature characters who have some growing up to do, featuring earnest themes about love, relationships, friendship and family. With Shrinking there isn’t much raunchiness, however it is very much a show about flawed characters who have some growing up to do. Jason Segel, who previously appeared in a few aforementioned Judd Apatow films, leads the cast here as the grief ridden therapist who has lost his way in life after losing his wife. His growth is as obvious as apples on trees - he needs to let go of the past and learn to appreciate the good things surrounding him in the present. His daughter on the other hand needs to learn that her dad is so much better and supportive than she makes him out to be. And so on forth with the rest of the characters. 

I would say Shrinking is nowhere as remarkable nor memorable as Ted Lasso, however what works in this show’s favour is that it is an easy watch. All the characters are super likeable and watchable, you get plenty of solid humour as well as enough dramatic heft too. Jason Segel as always looks like a lost beat down dog, but that’s weirdly his most appealing charm. If you’ve liked Segel in How I Met Your Mother or Forgetting Sarah Marshall, he’s the same Segel of guy here who’s constantly having a midlife crisis and can never amusingly do anything right without frustrating someone. Harrison Ford gets to stretch out his comedic chops here and receives some of the script’s funniest lines, delivered wonderfully by his regular grizzly grunt-filled voice. Jessica Williams also brings a lot of fast paced energy and excitement to her role, and then I also wanted to give a shout out to Ted McGinley. He plays Segel’s neighbour’s husband, and he’s not in the show much, but whenever he did, he’d always be this overly positive happy go lucky bean. Just so happy and delightful. Love that guy.

In terms of problems, I’d say the show suffers a little from an identity crisis. It’s pitched as a story where a therapist begins to break rules and starts telling his clients exactly what he thinks and telling them what they need to do. And for the first couple of episodes that is somewhat present, but after than this concept if for the most part completely dropped, whereas I wish there could have been more done with it. Additionally, there are certain characters here that are blatantly unlikeable, and I don’t think the show realises this. For example, Ford’s character is suffering from a developing Parkinson’s disease. So he begins reconnecting with his daughter, however she is an outright despicable self centred human being who is absolutely horrible to her dad. Yet the show tries to justify the daughter’s actions by seemingly making it seem like Ford deserves all the berating and neglect from her. Same goes for Segel’s daughter - at times she was annoying too. Basically, it seems like Shrinking makes it seem like all daughters are terrible, which seems a tad perplexing. 

Overall I enjoyed this new Apple TV+ comedy series. I’ve heard they’ve already greenlit a second season, which I am perfectly okay with as it’s a perfectly apt sitcom that one can tune in to on a weekly basis for 30 minutes of giggles. It doesn’t break any new ground, but it’s an easy watch, and sometimes an easy watch is exactly what ones needs.

Overall score: 7/10

[adultswim2021]

Minoriteam #12: “The Fog!” S01E12 | May 29, 2006 – 12:00AM | S01E12

WOW, if only this was 4/20 today and not “day after 4/20″ day. Damn! Because this is a 4/20 one. Watch it back to back with the Code Monkeys 4/20 special, if you want the marijuana coursing through your bloodstream to help assist your suicide by willing your vital organs to shut down, killing you instantly.

Did I ever talk about the Code Monkeys 4/20 special on here? Oh well, it’s a good place to talk about it again, so: Adam De La Pena also created a show called Code Monkeys (after this, I think?) that aired on G4. It was done in a video game pixel art style and was a workplace comedy about video game designers or something. *SIGH*, I am going to have to on an aside within this aside. Hang on. 

One of the last times I went to comic-con, I had a connection at G4 who got us all press badges. I forget what he did at G4, and there’s a chance I never knew or even asked about it. I traveled with another friend from a small shitty town and we already had our own regular badges, but we couldn’t resist the upgrade. They had “G4″ Printed on them, an organization he and I had nothing to do with, we just knew this one guy who happened to work there. There was a fourth guy in our party, he was a famous horror movie director’s nephew, and had based his entire personality on that fact.

For some reason, horror nephew acted in such a way that it really seemed like he was trying to impress me and my aforementioned small town friend. I mention the small town thing because yes, we were from a small town but were not rubes by any stretch. That’s important. Anyway, horror nephew would brag about how much sex he had. When we got into a traffic jam, he bragged about how he could get girls numbers during said jam, and that he gets girls phone numbers all the time. We took our host, the fellow from G4, aside and asked him “is he trying to impress us or does he talk like that all the time?” He was basically like: “yes, he is trying to impress you guys. I am extremely embarrassed for him��� Anyway, we’ve reached the bottom of our telescoping tangents, time to kick back up and bring this home. 

So, my friend and I started riffing on what we could say when people looked at our badges, saw “G4″ and asked us what we did there. The funniest thing we could think of was “we do the music on Code Monkeys”. Horror nephew had flaked away from our party and joined us again at the moment we were cracking ourselves up. He asked us what was so funny. We rehashed the “we do music on Code Monkeys” joke. He lit up, “dude, I do music for Code Monkeys!”. The man just couldn’t not name drop.

Anyway, that joke was right off the heals of me and my friend watching Code Monkeys for the first time, and it was the 4/20 special, and we both groaned in pain while the first scene played out (one of the Code Monkeys starts talking about 4/20 like it’s Christmas and going on and on about how good it is, and being like “YES” over and over). Like horror nephew’s trying too hard to convince us that he has sex, it was embarrassing. We had to stop watching it because it pissed us off too bad. It felt like something I would have written in high school, and I was a wimpy teen who was terrified of getting high and didn’t even try it until it was legal a decade later. It was pathetic.

Anyway, I can imagine that this episode was written in this way: they are having a writers meeting in an office, because for some reason Adam DLP thinks he needed a whole office to make this show. Adam has a cookie jar over his head, completely stuck. His staff writers are all wimpily taking turns trying to get it off, but it’s greasy from La Pena’s disgusting mitts. Jimmy Kimmel, who is just there to drop off his kids (La Pena is Kimmel’s dedicated babysitter, even when he has to work), walks in, calls the writers all a slur that used to be okay in 2006 because it was in all the Judd Apatow movies of the time, and punches the jar off Adam’s head. With a stunned look in his eyes, La Pena shakes it off, and then finally speaks: “we should do a weed episode of Minoriteam”.

Anyway, this one is about a fog that makes people have nightmares, and it’s defeated by one of the dudes weed smoke that reverses the nightmare fog.

Venture Bros. Season One DVD (May 30, 2006)

Why did all the nice high-res versions of those images go? Why do they all look like this now??? It’s CRAZY.

Okay, here’s the thing: we are still a little ways away before I can pin down the exact moment that I started actively liking The Venture Bros. The crescendo of that moment would be me deciding to get in my car and spend an entire afternoon doing this: driving to the middle of Redding where the big stores were, eating an overpriced hamburger at a chain restaurant I have a soft spot for, and then driving to Best Buy to hope they had Venture Bros. Season One on DVD so I could pay full price for it and take it home and start watching it.

It was important, and it still is. This DVD set, like all the Venture sets, are very worth it, because the commentaries are so fun and good. I love them so much and wish those two did a podcast together or something. We should all have podcasts.

MAIL BAG

I've been to Grant Pass once on my way between Vancouver and LA. It's a particularly unruly place.

Let’s pray for the citizens of Grants Pass... they may not make it through the night.

My pal KON writes:

When I sold my Home Movies season 4 DVD I kept the music CD, on purpose! The recent mailbagger made me realize the error of my ways; the CD was easily the highlight of the set and should have been passed on to the next owner.

You know what’s weird about me is when I got a CD/DVD combo I would always, ALWAYS separate them out so I could keep the CD in my CD collection and my DVD in my DVD collection. Sometimes this required me to make custom artwork and use a spare DVD or CD case. I also, as a space saving measure, have compacted several boxsets into multi-disc cases with all the original slipcovers jammed into one sleeve (this also makes it so that you have to just understand that I did that so when you read “season 3 disc 3″ on the spine just know it’s because I thought the slipcover for disc 3 looked most attractive and used it to represent the entire season box). I save all the boxes by collapsing them and storing them in a box labeled “DVD BOXES”. So in order for me to sell my season 4 DVD I would have to visit three locations (my DVD shelves, my closet, and probably my off-cite storage unit) in order to marry all the pieces back together.

[themonkeycabal]

Wandavision Ep 5 Spoilers

Wherein I watch Wandavision at a stupid hour of the morning because I do not sleep like a regular human being, and sometimes I have things to say.

Previously on Wandavision, we all discovered that Darcy Lewis and Jimmy Woo were the BFFs we never knew we needed and now can't live without. Also Wanda reminded us that she's really scary.

We should be in the 80s now, right? Ahh the 80s. Leg warmers, Aquanet, and MTV.

Baby shenanigans with crying twins. Wanda tries to magic them to sleep and it doesn't work. "Maybe we just need some help." And in pops Agnes without waiting for them to answer the door. As you do in a sitcom hell. She's got a headband and leg warmers on and is on her way to jazzercise. Of course. Is the point of Agnes to really anchor us in a decade? Asking for real. She's very "this is the era, and these are the tropes, let's all play along now."

Vision is very protective of the babies, to such a degree and with such intensity that Agnes literally forgets her line and nervously asks Wanda if she wants her to take that again. Well, then. Agnes very super a lot does not want to be wished to the cornfield. 

The babies stopped crying during the whole "should we do this scene again" interlude. Vision noticed the weirdness and is trying to figure out what's going on, Wanda is trying very hard to pretend everything is normal. Agnes is being super duper bizarre in the background. And suddenly the twins are like three years old. Agnes has given up and got into the liquor. I don't blame her.

Opening credits. Okay, I'm sorry, 'baby' Vision is almost more stupidly funny than I can take. Like … what? I think I want that as my new icon, though. Also the credits are too long. I think they were very proud of their theme song, so we have to hear it all. These are my least favorite so far. Very 80s, but meh.

In the real world, Monica is getting x-rays and giving a report on being yeeted from Wanda World.

Jimmy Woo and Darcy are there to greet her at the end of the exam. "This is Doctor Darcy Lewis." Yes, she is! Still very proud. She's also the doctor of encouraging people to wear pants, shoving a pair at hospital gown-clad Monica. Erik's no-pants phase was very scarring.

The medic comes back and says the medical tests didn't work or something. The medic wants to do x-rays again because the first came back blank and also she's going to have to do another blood draw. Hmm. Monica is still somehow affected by Wanda World? Unclear on how that would work. Some sort of weird witchy radiation-like energy? Monica says 'no' to more needles and also wants to put pants on. Just let the woman have her pants.

Now we're on to a briefing with the acting Director of SWORD whose name I don't remember. He's very "government suit" bland, I have a hard time caring about anything he says. Also, does anybody else pronounce the 'w' in SWORD in their head when they read it? Like I cannot make my brain stop doing that. "s-WUH-ord'.

"Our initial theory had Wanda Maximoff as one of many victims. We now know she is the principle VICTIMIZER!" Settle down there, acting director guy. Why not say 'subject', 'suspect', 'perpetrator', or boring old 'cause of the anomaly". VICTIMIZER! Geez then. I'm going to guess his solution will be a tactical nuke or some such rot.

Jimmy gives background on Wanda.

Acting Director Guy: "The twins were subsequently radicalized, volunteering at Hydra." Jimmy Woo: "That's an oversimplification of events, but yes." I'm giving you heart-eyes Jimmy Woo.

"After unspecified experimentation with the mind stone, Maximoff gained telekinetic and telepathic abilities."

Then a weird aside where the Acting Director — who shall now be known as Acting Director Dick — wants to know if Wanda had a code name or a something, seeming to imply that not having one made her a bad guy?,  and then he points out how the first time she used her powers it was against the Avengers. He totally just ordered a tactical nuke from "overreacting-government-douchebags r us".  I hate this particular character trope, the government heavy who never listens to anybody and is always ready to napalm the suburbs because reasons. It's so tedious.

Jimmy points out that Wanda earned the Avengers trust and then became an Avenger herself, thank you very much. Acting Director Dick doesn't care, he's decided Wanda is a terrorist and he'll turn half of New Jersey into a glass parking lot to get rid of her. Sure am glad he's in charge of some sort of mysterious and powerful agency.

Jimmy Woo is not a fan either, and he walks back over to his new bestie and tells Darcy that while he tries not to speak ill of anybody … Darcy interrupts "then allow me", and she has no trouble saying that Acting Director Dick is, in fact, a dick. That's my girl.

Elsewhere AD Dick is blathering on about how they don't negotiate with terrorists. Well, since Wanda hasn't made any demands, or released a manifesto or anything …. Monica also points out Wanda is not a terrorist. AD Dick twists her report to make Wanda sound as terroristy as he can. I'm bored with him now.

Monica argues with him a bit and say she doesn't believe Wanda World is a premeditated act of aggression. I vote Darcy, Jimmy, and Monica wait until AD Dick is alone, and then they shove him in a locker for the rest of the season. If anybody asks he had to run back to sWUHord for meetings or something, "Darn, you just missed him. I'll tell him you're looking for him. Great. Buh-bye now".

AD Dick needs to make his big jackass point that Wanda is the most terroristy terrorist who ever terroristed, so he shows off footage of Wanda breaking into a SWORD facility to steal back Vision's body. Because that seems terroristy and not at all like some sort of emotional breakdown. As far as I can tell, she just busted open a few doors, but didn't hurt anybody. I think AD Dick doesn't know the meaning of the word terrorist.

And, yes, then she resurrected Vision in an idealized sitcom world in a small city in New Jersey. That's exactly like something a terrorist mastermind would do. Mmmhmm. Is it nice for the people trapped there with them? No, clearly not. Agnes and Herb in particular seem aware and are scared. They need to be rescued and Wanda needs LOADS of therapy. But Director Nuke the Site from Orbit over here isn't going to make anything better. Darcy, sister, shove that asshole into a locker stat.

Jimmy notes that stealing Vision's body is a violation of the Sokovia Accords. And while I appreciate his dedication to maintaining the Accords … well, I mean, look, it's body theft and all. It's not a great look; I absolutely allow that. But you can just sort of stop there. Though, that's very the Sokovia Accords "if this guy dies, his body must go to a shadowy government agency. for safety. yep."

Also Vision had a living will, where he didn't want to be used as a weapon. Sure, okay. Because I'm sure SWORD was just totally not doing anything at all with his body. Nope. Look, I'm totally a SHIELD girl and even I wouldn't necessarily trust SHEILD with that. So, who is SWORD to me? Pfft. I'd give him to Thor or something and ask him to be buried far far away. I'm just saying. I'm supposed to trust Johnny-Come-Lately S-WUH-ORD?

(In my head now is an inter-agency rivalry where SWORD is like "We have rocket ships!" and SHIELD is like "lol, our lead scientist got eaten by a rock and survived on an alien world for like six months". "But rocket ships?" "We've traveled through time a dozen times in the last year alone. We're a bigger chaotic disaster than you can ever hope to be".)

AD Dick undermines his own "SHE'S A TERRORIST!" thesis by saying she acted out of grief. And then he dismisses everybody. "Work the problem!" Uh … whut? Fine? What is the problem? That she's a WILD MURDERY TERRORIST who must be stopped! or a grief stricken woman who stole her technologically advanced boyfriend's body and probably should be talked down? Acting Director Lack of Clarity.

Jimmy wants to know how Wanda could have resurrected Vision without the Mind stone and Darcy wants to know what Vision will do when he figures it out. Fine questions, friends, fine questions. Monica is just like "acting director dick used to be a buddy but now I kind of want to punch him and am very conflicted. oh and wanda kind of freaks me out but also i feel bad for her" only she says all that without words.

Tommy and Billy are now about like 5 or 6 or something. I'm terrible with kids ages. They're up to shenanigans. Oh, they found a lost puppy dog and they're giving him a bath in the sink. It's all super adorable.

Vision wanders in and greets his family all formally and in his human face. He says he has a premonition someone might pop over. He's not a fan of sitcom neighbors either. And there's Agnes now with a dog house. How does she know whether to enter through the front door or the back door?

The dog tries to burn the house down by licking an electrical outlet? so they name him Sparky (harr harr) and Wanda magics him a collar with Agnes right there. Vision's all "wtf darling?" and she points out Agnes didn't even notice when the boys went from babies to five-year olds, she certainly didn't notice the magic collar. Agnes is trying very very hard not to notice anything. Poor Agnes.

Wanda says she's tired of hiding her abilities and Vision is Very Concerned. He's starting to figure things out.

They tell the boys they can't have a dog until they're 10, so the boys grin at each other and age themselves up to 10. That is all very unsettling. Agnes "Let's just hope this dog stays the same size." as she screams internally "save me!"

Real World. Jimmy's hustling back to the science room with coffee for Monica and Darcy. Monica is asking for some sort of wild mobile bunker to help her get back into Wanda World and Darcy's like "well, yes, but also no". But Monica knows an aerospace engineer who'd totally make it for her.  

"I can't guarantee the Hex won't just mind wipe you as you go in." "What's the hex?" "Oh, it's what I'm calling the anomaly because of it's hexagonal shape. It's starting to catch on." Darcy's so proud, but Jimmy's like 'not so much' but he's too polite to say.

Monica's determined to go back in. Jimmy wants to know who the kids are, if they've id'd them or the babies and Monica's all "oh, no, those are legit Wanda's." Darcy says if she can make stuff with her mind, and all the props and whatnot in the Wanda World are real then she's wielding an insane amount of power. Monica is sure she could have taken out Thanos if he hadn't cheated and snapped her. Jimmy thinks Captain Marvel could have done it. Monica very much doesn't want to talk about Captain Marvel.

Monica has an Idea!

Ah, she wants to see her outfit from Wanda World, which is now in the real world. So, is it real matter Wanda created, or is the perception field bleeding over to make them all see that outfit in the real world. That would have been hella awkward if Monica got yeeted out of her clothes.

Monica confirms they're real then steals Jimmy's gun and shoots them. Ahh, she was wearing a kevlar vest when she went into Wanda World, and that changed shape to be her super fly 70s outfit. "Wanda is rewriting reality." Changing things to fit the hex. So they'll send in something that doesn't need to be changed. Um. Sure. Fine. I don't know what that means, or how that would help in this context, but I'm sure I'll find out.

Meanwhile, Vision is at work, and all his coworkers are amazed at the actual computers. Golly shucks. Computers. Hey, so, computers have been around since the 40s. ANYWAY.

"Should we surf the internet?" We're progressing rapidly through the 80s. Oh, lol, Darcy sent an email. And the whole office creepily reads it out loud. Vision is very weirded out. As well he should be. He wipes the computer with his glowy synthezoid powers and then he glowies Norm when Norm tells him 'none of it is real'. Norm wakes up "please help me. what day is it? how long has it been?". Oh dear. Poor Vision. This is all going to go so very badly. Norm gets very freaked out begging Vision to "stop her". Vision resets him.

At the house the boys wonder where dad is, and Wanda tells them it's Monday and he's at work. Except the boys are all "um, no, it's Saturday". Wanda, your house of lies is tumbling down! You shouldn't have let them grow up so fast. Babies don't ask inconvenient questions about why Daddy needs some space from Mommy and her questionable choices for their shared reality.

Wanda takes the opportunity to impart the 80s family sitcom trope of the weekly life lesson about how family might fight, but they still love each other and family is forever. One of the twins asks if she has a brother. She does. He's far away. But, Sparky goes barking at the door. Wanda looks far away herself. She goes to open the door and Sparky runs out.

Monica has sent in a drone from the 80s. Well that wasn't really a thing. But, how does the 1980s rc plane look more high tech than the 2020s drone they sent in first? Talk to your design team, SWORD.

Anyway, Wanda spots the drone, but she's keeping it out of the broadcast, because she's the editor and director and producer of Wandavision, of course.

Monica announces herself and tries to get Wanda to acknowledge her. Whoops. Wanda's eyes go glowy. AD Dick says "take the shot" and Monica's all "what? no, the drone isn't armed." Except of course it is, because AD Dick is a monumental dick, and he's got a backup drone pilot who takes the shot. Wandavision goes off air. And, oh no, there's a breach at the Hex!

Lol. It's Wanda coming through, dragging the mangled corpse of the drone with her. That was entirely deserved, AD Dick. I hope she shoves it up your ass, dick.

"The missile was just a precaution". AD Dick backpedals quick, like a coward. You gave a three second attempt to talk to Wanda before you pulled the trigger, I don't like you. "You can hardly blame us."

Wanda warns him to stay out. "You won't bother me, I won't bother you." Okay, well, he does kind of have a point, in that there's a whole town of people who are stuck as bit players in Wanda World. That's not very nice. I mean, surely she could have found a nice empty spot somewhere and created her sitcom utopia. That's at least a fair criticism.

Monica tries her best to talk Wanda down. It doesn't work particularly well.

"What do you want?" "I have what I want and no one will ever take it from me again." And she mind controls the soldiers training their guns on her, to turn them on AD Dick. Whoops. And Wanda goes back to her world. The Hex glows all red as she goes.

And we go to commercial. Lagos Brand paper towels. "For when you make a mess you didn't mean to." Wow, so that was brutal. Wanda's not mad at you, Monica. She's just carrying a lot of guilt. Ouch.

Back in Wandavision, the boys are looking for their dog. They find Agnes hiding in the bushes with the dog. Poor Sparky apparently ate some azalea leaves and died. The boys are very sad and Wanda warns them not to age up. They can't run from their feelings. Oh Wanda. "It's too sad," Billy says. "You can fix anything mom," Tommy cries, "Fix the dead". Yikes.

Wanda "I'm trying to tell you there are rules in life." Poor Agnes is trying not to have a total meltdown. "We can't reverse death. No matter how sad it makes us. Some things are forever."

Billy and Tommy try to talk her into bringing back Sparky. And Vision turns up. Well, this is just brutal.

Vision is entirely outside of Wanda's control. "I spoke with Norm. I unearthed the man's suppressed personality and I spoke to him free of your oversight." Yikes. "He was in pain, Wanda."

Okay it's kind of funny they're arguing over the end credits. Vision is very very pissed. "I'm scared." Aww.

Wanda insists she's not in charge of every life in Westview. "I don't know how any of this started in the first place." Huh. Is that really true? Because she's pretty sure of it now. Somebody or something convinced her into a sitcom world and now she's just like "yeah, this is good"? really asking.

Ding-dong.

"I didn't do that." 

Vision: *doubt*

DING DONG

Wanda goes to answer the door.

In the real world, alarms are blaring but Darcy notices a new revelation on Wandavision.

Wanda Word — and it's Pietro at the door. See! I knew it had to be Pietro who'd be the surprise guest thingy. I mean it's hilariously X-Men Pietro (Evan Peters, like @lewstonewar suggested), but Pietro nonetheless. There's nobody else it could have been.

Darcy be all WTF? "She recast Pietro?" lol

Okay, Wanda seems legit shocked. I don't think she did that. And I super really don’t think she’d make him sound like a NYC cabbie. 

And end.

Well. I mean, I'm not sure what to think. Wanda insists she's not controlling everything. I don't think she created Pietro. But, she totally stole Vision's body and created the kids and seems mostly happy in her sitcom universe and she can traverse the Hex, which obviously suggests its her doing. Dunno. I have questions about Agnes and her convenient timeliness here and there.

The mystery continues.

Disney wants to know if I want to watch Age of Ultron next. How poorly you know me, Disney.

[leverage-ot3]

notable moments from The Tap Out Job

leverage 2.02

Jack: Somebody drugged his water. It's an old boxing trick. He couldn't defend himself, and... He's still in the hospital.

that’s fucked

- - - - -

Eliot: It's not a cockfight. All right? Let me show you something, Hardison. Come here. Can I borrow you? (puts a gentle hand on Parker’s hip, guiding her to the open space behind the couch) All right. Square up. Remember what I showed you?

(Hardison and Parker square up)

Hardison: Are you...

Eliot: There's three phases to an MMA--to an MMA fight, okay? One, striking. (Parker punches Hardison in the face) Nice. Next is grappling, the takedown. (Parker grabs Hardison and throws him on the floor) Exactly. All right. The third one is jujitsu. Okay, try to isolate a joint. (Parker gets Hardison in a hold) That's good. That's a textbook armbar, Parker. Put some pressure on there.

Parker: Like this?

Eliot: There you go. Or you can go for a choke hold.

Hardison: She got to be choking me. (tries to get away)

Eliot: Remember that thing that I showed you?

Parker: Oh, yeah. The choke.

Eliot: Lock that in. All right. You don't have to hold the arm. See, that's a triangle choke. That's nasty. Puts pressure on his carotid artery, and the guy will submit by tap out.

Hardison (tapping the ground): Eliot, I'm tapping! I'm tapping!

Eliot: These fights are won by inches, I'm telling you.

Hardison: I can't breathe!

Eliot: All about leverage.

Sophie: Yeah, it looks really painful.

Hardison: It is painful!

Nate: No TV deal, you said, huh? Hardison, what are this guy's other interests, this Rucker guy?

Hardison: Seriously, you ask me a question right now...

Sophie: I'll take that. Yeah, rotary club, golf membership.

Nate: Golf, huh?

Hardison: Help me!

Sophie: Yeah. I mean, this guy's like a 1950s sitcom character. He plays a weekly game with the local businessmen. In fact, last year, he won the club championship.

Nate: Did he? Hmm.

Hardison: Let me go!

Nate: I guess it's...

Hardison: She's killing me!

Nate: …it's time to hit the links.

Hardison: I'm cool. Just let me go real quick.

eliot canonically teaches parker how to fight in his spare time and I LOVE THAT

fucking CHAOTIC OT3 + parker is having a great time while hardison is dying

ALSO can we just for a minute appreciate how when she puts him in a chokehold she was wrapping her legs around his neck, which basically had his head in her crotch area and !!! it wasn’t sexualized at al !!! literally A N Y other show would have sexualized it even just a little bit but not leverage. never leverage.

- - - - -

I love it when they fuck with peoples gear (like with the baseballs or hockey pucks or in this instance the golf balls)

- - - - -

parker playing with the golf club covers

- - - - -

literally EVERY con has nate being an asshole (this one was one of the more annoying ones tho)

- - - - -

hi I am but a simple bi and eliot in that grey hoodie was VERY attractive

- - - - -

Room Service: Room service. Can I help you?

Sophie: Yeah, no, I can't eat this. I'm sorry?

Everything on my plate is yellow.

Room Service: It's chicken-fried steak.

Sophie: It's what? Chicken-fried steak?

Room Service: Yes.

Sophie: No, let me just tell you, all right. Meat should never be used as an adjective.

~ a little while late ~

Sophie: I'm starving.

Parker: I found these in the minibar. (throws her a bag)

Sophie: "Pork Rinds"? How do you peel a pig? (throws it back)

- - - - -

Hardison: Got it. See, Online video websites, they track viewer hits by IP Address, so the trick is to just spoof a bunch of IPs, then write a script that lets you browse the video page via the proxy list and...

- - - - -

Sophie: Well, this guy, he just--he give me the creeps.

Eliot: We've gone up against rougher dudes than this before.

Sophie: I know. But it's this whole treating people as commodities. This whole barbaric sport.

Eliot: Hey, don't lump these guys in with Rucker. All right, he's not what the sport's about.

Sophie: Eliot, this "sport" is about two guys beating the crap out of each other.

Eliot: MMA fighters act with more respect than any other athlete I've seen.

Sophie: Yeah, they're "Braveheart," I get it.

Eliot: No, you don't. These guys don't fight because they like hurting other people, all right. They fight to gain some sort of control over their opponents, over their environment, over their lives. Have you seen this town? Huh? The farms are drying up. The only stores are bail bondsmen and pawn shops, and there's nothing they can do about it. So, yeah, they get in the ring and try not to let it all suffocate them. (a beat, he smiles) And it's about two guys beating the crap out of each other. (she smiles back)

- - - - -

eliot is wearing a green flannel in this one and it looks very nice and comfy

- - - - -

Rucker: Well, bottom line is, you need good product. What event are you here to produce?

[Interior Van]

Hardison: On it. There's a tractor pull in grand island, a livestock show in council bluffs, white people doing other white things…

pls keep calling out white people pls we deserve it lmfao

- - - - -

Director (in car looking at his phone): Come on! Come on! Give me something! Come on! Is this gonna take long?

Nate (through window): No. Two shakes. Are you in a hurry?

Director: Even half a bar... what? Yes. Hurry. Does anyone in this backwater hellhole know what that means?

Nate: You're a director, right? What was your name again?

Director: What? It's Laurence. Todd Laurence.

Nate: Todd, well, listen, Mr. Laurence. See, I wrote a script...

Director: Huh?

Nate: Yeah. It's about a limo driver who solves mysteries till his wife leaves him for --

Director: For the love of god!

Nate: ...the best part: The feed store manager. Right? His wife…

Director: Yeah...?

Nate: Tramp...

Director: Hey, hee-haw, move the car! Okay

- - - - -

parker in leather pants, a bright yellow ‘I heart Nebraska’ tshirt and weird hat, eating a corn dog? ,,,a look I guess

- - - - -

Hardison (showing passes): So, I'm Todd Laurence? (girls flock to Hardison) Ladies, please, look. For the last time, I am not the tailback for the cornhuskers. Go! I don't even know what a cornhusker is.

- - - - -

Rucker: And all you need is a product?

Sophie: Well, that's what they are: Products. You get the girls with Trianna, you get the boys with MMA. And there's always another fresh-faced princess ready to go through the singing/dancing mill in Florida. Occasionally, we let one be a lesbian, keeps the press on their toes

- - - - -

Hardison: What? What? W-what was I supposed to do? It was cousin Jimmy.

Sophie: He's right. We couldn't have planned for that.

Hardison: Look, you know what I can do? I can re-task a satellite, I can get a level 3 NSA clearance, but I can't hack a hick

- - - - -

Eliot: All right, it doesn't matter. What do we do now?

Parker: We can move the Howorth.

Eliot: We're not moving the Howorths. All right? This is their home. That means something to people here.

Sophie: Yeah, we can't babysit them forever.

Nate: We've taken out bigger players than this. You know, there's got to be some way, something we can...

Eliot: No, no! I take the dive.

Sophie: You sure?

Hardison: Give me some time, okay? I've found some funny business in Rucker's accounts. I can move some things.

Eliot: Forget the fact that we just got beat by Barney Fife, all right? This is the right move. Tactically it's the right move. You all know that. (walks away)

none of them want to see eliot hurt more than he needs to or see him go down like that and I cry

alec ‘give me five minutes I will do literally anything for eliot’ hardison

- - - - -

Sophie: Hey. Listen, you-you don't have to do this, you know. Nate's gonna come up with something.

Eliot: I'm losing a fight, Sophie. I'm not diving on a grenade. I'll be all right.

Sophie: Yeah, I know. I'm not talking physically.

Eliot: I think my ego can handle it.

Sophie: Look, you told me that it's about control, about knowing that you're never gonna be the victim. And that's what keeps you going, right?

Eliot: You think I'm upset 'cause I got to let this guy kick my ass? I learned a long time ago, you can't control the violence. I can take the punishment. That's what I do. What I need to control is not out there. (touches his chest) It's here. Always.

(Sophie smiles and walks away)

- - - - -

hardison holds eliots face before he fights I never noticed that before

+ eliot’s hair is curly when it’s wet/when he’s sweaty. this means he blowdries his hair on a regular basis. eliot, as a part of taking control of himself and his life after moreau took interest in self care and taking care of his hair in this essay I will-

- - - - -

one thing I love about this is that eliot doesn’t have a six pack (see this commentary I made with a few lovely additions by my mutuals)

- - - - -

Jack: Where's Rucker?

Hardison: Oh, the Iowa State Police just got a tip that a fugitive is headed into their jurisdiction. And I'm pretty sure crossing state lines with a bag full of cash won't look too good.

Parker: Especially when they find the little surprise in his trunk.

[Flashback, Pawn Shop]

Parker: I need guns. (dumping money on counter) $6,000 worth. And one of those.

LMFAO THERE WAS A TUBA TOO

- - - - -

Doctor (examining Eliot): You took a hell of a pounding. We should get you a CT scan. You could have internal bleeding.

Jack: You let yourself get hammered like that on purpose? That's a hell of a lot of punishment to take.

Sophie: That's what he does.

- - - - -

eliot held the rope up for parker to step under when they were getting out of the ring

- - - - -

Sophie (to Parker): Pork rind? They're actually pretty good. (parker shakes her head and rubs her stomach) You sure?

sophie nO

[jay-and-dean]

I don’t need you  Chapter 2 : Freaking super hero

Dean x reader

Summary : She’s a warrior, she’s a loner. Nothing can stop her, nothing ever had. She doesn’t need Dean, does she ?

This is a request by @magssteenkamp​ that I decided to turn to a serie, see the original request on the serie Masterlist.

Serie Warnings : Swearing (duh). Mention of death. Smut, probably all kind from rough to fluffy, I’ll precise in the chapters if there are specific warnings. Fluff. Angst of course.

Chapter warnings :  Swearing (duh). Mention of death. A tiny hint of jealous Dean. 

Words : 3k

Note : I’ll try to stick to the 3k rule, like for Rescue You

If everything goes as planned, you’ll get one chapter every wednesday (Thanks to @magssteenkamp, I call it WednesJay, lol. Sorry okay, I shut up).

***Want to read more ? => MASTERLIST***

*** I don’t need you MASTERLIST***

__________________________

2.     FREAKING SUPER HERO

 Dean’s Pov

             All the lights. This apartment is big, and its windows are too. I look at the regular shadows of the metallic lines of the windows that divide her bedroom door into bended squares.

She offered us to stay at her place, opened the sofa bed, and disappeared behind that door. I just can’t sleep, again. I try to imagine I’m in my bedroom in the bunker, or on Baby’s backseat, but everything is so new to me here. I lost my bearings.

I stare around, my eyes wide open, now used to the weak darkness. Is it possible that she’s just better than us ? Like more up-to-date, trained by the cruelty of huge cities ? How can she do this alone ?

The walls are covered in those research papers, and, after a while, in the middle of this organized mess, my own name catches my eyes.

I get up in silence, trying not to make the mattress move too much, to let my brother sleep. Is it California that made him so insensible to lights and noises at night ? Maybe…

“Dean Winchester is a demon.” I frown, it’s a printing of a mail she got from someone called thathunter87, she hung it here and made a red line between that and a stolen page of a grimoire about demon cure. Why ?

On the table under all those articles and notes on the wall, a long desk, covered in books, notebooks and folders. It’s like she had hundreds of hunter journals, one for each subject.

Discreetly going through them, I find one called “Winchesters” and a shiver runs down my spine but the thought attached to it never reaches my brain. I open it. There are no photos, just mails from thathunter87 and pages of those Supernatural stupid books.

My eyes widen suddenly, and my heart misses a beat. Next to pieces of the books and a sketch of our anti-possession tattoo scribbled like she was thinking hard, a few words : Was John abusive to Dean ?

“Trouble sleeping ?” a whisper makes me jump.

I turn and my breath gets caught in my throat.

           She’s standing in the door frame, an oversized Hocus Pocus t-shirt hiding her upper thighs, and nothing covering her legs.

She looks so different now. Almost… cute. Her worn out t-shirt falling childishly like thin drape on her body, her face freed from any makeup and her hair going in every directions. I can’t help but imagine a morning after…

           She walks to me, pushing her messy hair out of her face. And I’m so caught up in this vision that I forget to hide what I was looking at.

“Oh… I’m sorry” she murmurs, taking the notebook out of my hands. “I know it’s not my business.”

I have no idea what to answer despite the thousands questions flying in my skull, and just keep searching her face, loudly cursing at myself in my head.

“How do you know us ?” I finally say low, my pupils dilating at the ray of the night light hitting her collarbone and I try to fight the electric feeling giving me goosebumps.

“Well, the Supernatural books saved my life” her whisper feels like her nails were grazing my back.

“How ?” I dare, my curiosity getting the best of me.

She chuckles but a shadow crosses her face, a shadow of fear and pain, something weak and lonely, everything she usually hides so well.

“Dark days… I… I lived in the street a long time ago” she looks down. “I needed to believe in heroes I guess.”

Her smile is soft and kind for a second, making me almost believe I could take her in my arms, like an old friend, like a lover. But she sighs, and it’s like she had breathe out everything soft, her eyes become stern and her neck straighten.

“Jimmy doesn’t whine too much ?” she asks, pointing at the laundry room with her chin.

“Not a sound” I assure her, and she smiles dangerously.

“I threatened him a lot.”

 Reader’s Pov

             I walk to the laundry and open the door.

“Ah good you’re there” Jimmy starts right away, making the chair creak. “I-…”

But I cut him.

“One more word and you will regret it, Jimmy. Remember what I said : If my guests sleep bad because of you, I cut your cock, to see if it grows back on an immortal.”

I close the door and give Dean a little corner smile.

           Sam grunts and turn in the sofa, taking all the cover with him. I chuckle and take a glass of water from the kitchen sink.

“Sleep, Dean, tomorrow will be a long day” I murmur walking back to my room, hoping my own thoughts will stop harassing me.

 *******

             I get up and grab my clothes, lazily walking to the bathroom. On my way to it, my eyes glance at the brothers on my sofa, Dean is still not sleeping.

           He looks at me in silence, his piercing eyes following me when I cross the room, but I don’t say a word to him. I know he’s familiar with nightmares, he would hear it in my voice.

           Having them here somehow brought bad memories. It’s a paradox : They saved me from very bad moments in my life, but meeting them makes me think a lot about those dark times, and since I know they’re in town, my own demons are screaming at me. Or maybe knowing I will see Holloway tonight…

           I enter the bathroom and put my clothes on the chair next to the shower. I have to be prepared. In the shower I repeat my plan in my head. I have nothing left to lose, so nothing can end worse than it already is. If I feed, if I become a vampire, I know the Winchesters will end me, and I would finally die peacefully, knowing at least I tried. If I miss Holloway, I will have him next time… If I just die, well it will be over, at last.

           Sam and Dean will try to talk me out of it, I know that, and I’ll have to be very firm, because they can’t make that mission fail. There was a time when I needed heroes, now I don’t.

           The shower turns cold again, ripping me out of my thoughts, I grunt and rinse quickly under the familiar freezing jet.

Naked, I look at the mirror, using the sight of my scars to focus my anger. This is the cut they made on me to taste my blood, after they killed my family… my finger graze the little straight scar on my arm ; this one is the knife cut I got from that rape attempt when I was in the streets. This is fangs, I hate this one.

Then the transformation starts.

Like every day, I put on my mask : The outfit I use to remember who I am, and to forget who I was.

           I feel like putting on an armor the second I start to draw my eye-liner cat’s eye line. And by the time I tighten the ribbons of my corset hard, nothing in me is vulnerable anymore. My back is straight and held, my eyes are dark…

           I’m going to kill them all.

 Dean’s Pov

             She comes out of the bathroom, dressed like that warrior she is, tough and sexy, transformed, unrecognizable, like a freaking super hero.

But I will never forget the cute girl I saw last night.

“I have coffee” she says when Sam sits up, looking around like he was wondering for a second where he was. “And I can make eggs, I don’t want my side kicks to be hungry.”

Her voice sounds slightly different on the word “hungry” and, knowing she lived in the street, I guess she knows what truly hungry is…

I nod and Sam thank her but she’s already in the kitchen. I get up, joining her behind the counter to help her with anything she would need. The truth is, I just want to be around.

I notice a man big jacket on a chair and wonder who she could invite here, despite hunters. Is she really alone ? Does she have friends ? Lovers ?...

“I have no sugar” she states sternly.

And once again, I’m mute, taking the mug she hands me to break eggs in an old pan.

           Suddenly, the walls tremble and the power goes off, the only light she had turn on going off, and the few device she has dying. She sighs but keeps cooking on her gas stove like it was nothing.

“Your stomach is noisy” she chuckles.

“Sorry” I mumble, making her raise an eyebrow.

           She puts the plates on her coffee table with two cups of coffee, going back to the kitchen to take a mug for herself. Only two plates.

“You don’t eat ?” Sam asks.

“I don’t like eggs” she shrugs. “And I have nothing else, I’ll buy something later.”

“I can go to buy you something” I state, really uncomfortable with her not eating with us.

“Eat, Dean. I can handle myself.”

           A knock on the door makes Sam and I frown.

Keeping her coffee cup in her hand, she grabs her gun, puts it in her belt in her back, and walks to the door. Sam and I get up, even if we can’t see the main door from here, we’re ready to fight.

“Hey Y/n. Was it the Winchesters ?” a man voice greets her.

Y/n…

“Yeah. There are no more eggs, I gave them the ones you bought” she answers.

“You feed them now ?” the man mocks. “I bought you a chocolate muffin.”

Why does that annoys me ?

           She appears in the room again, followed by this guy, Joe, the bartender. He’s a very tall –Sammy tall- strong guy with long blond hair in a bun. Freaking hipster.

           When he sees us, he frowns, and look at her like she was insane.

“What are they doing here ?” he asks, making my brother raise his eyebrows at his rudeness. “Wait, Y/n, did they sleep here ?”

“I invited them” she shrugs, sitting to unwrap her chocolate muffin. “Sam, Dean, this is Joe. Joe, bla bla.”

I can’t help smiling at her attitude, but Joe doesn’t. It’s like he didn’t want us to be here, like he was threatened by us somehow… And it suddenly hits me. The chocolate muffin, the things he “forgets” at her place, the worry.

He’s in love with her.

“I have to buy a few things for tonight” she states, ripping a little part of the muffin between her fingers, to slip it between her lips, licking her index a little when chocolate stick on her skin.

“Do you want me to come with you ?” Joe immediately says and I have to blink to not roll my eyes.

“No” she states, then she turns to Sam. “You already made the cure for your brother, I heard.”

“Y-yeah” Sam hesitates. “But are you sure…”

“Then” she cuts him. “Could you prepare it while I’m out ? I already have all the ingredients… And Jimmy.”

“What are you talking about Y/n ? You’re not doing it ? Tell me you’re not doing it.” Joe asks, looking around and she sighs, getting up.

“Okay listen” she states. “All of you. If you have something to say about my plan, you can walk out the door now. I can do this alone. I don’t need you.”

She puts the rest of the muffin in Joe’s hands and take her coat.

“I’ll be here in a few hours, don’t kill Jimmy accidentally with day light, and don’t, well… I don’t know, be stupid. Sam, the ingredients are on the sill, and if you don’t want to do the cure, just… Okay” she says before she leaves, a silence falling on us.

 *******

           I don’t like Joe, the guy stayed with us for no reason, like he wanted to survey us.

           Sam is looking in the box, trying to find a bowl to mix them. And the bartender and I are left practically staring at each other.

“Did you guys convinced her it was a good idea ?” he finally speaks.

“What do you mean ?” I grunt. “Of course not ! This is a terrible idea. I should go, not her.”

Sam lifts his head form the bowl and looks at me with a disapproving frown.

“She will kill you” Joe chuckles darkly. “You have no idea how bad she needs to get them, you have no idea what she’s been through.”

“Well, I won’t let her get killed by those freaks” I state.

“Dean…” my brother speaks. “She knows them way better than we do, this is her plan, her hunt. I think she knows what she’s doing, and you’ve seen her… She’s a great hunter.”

I sit down, sighing, rubbing my face with both hands. Am I supposed to stay there, watching her run to her death ?

 Reader’s Pov

             I take another sip of whiskey, letting the smooth notes of blues wrap me in the comfortable atmosphere of the small bar. I knew Joe would stay with them, and looking behind the bar, I give his colleague a little smile.

           I sigh with the little bottle in my hand, making the thick poisonous liquid redden the sides of the glass.

           I can’t go back to my apartment. They must already be making plans to force me to stay home. I know them. In a way I Know the three of them.

Joe is my friend, and I know he thinks we should be more than that, those ideas of “saving” me spoiling his mind for years, like I was some kind of precious bird with broken wings.

I am not.

I’m not broken or damaged. I’m just furious, a storm of rage boiling in my veins. And he can keep his fairy tales for him. Unconditional love is not going to save me. I told him that, and refusing any kind of proximity with him, I think I made it very clear. But he will always try to save me.

And the Winchesters… They are heroes. Self-sacrifice is burned in their genes. They are as determined to protect everyone they meet, as I am to kill Holloway.

The early winter night is announcing its rise with a pink ink in the city sky. I finish my glass and take my phone.

Did Sam prepare the cure ? I send to Joe.

I get up and walk to the bathroom to check my look on the mirror. Arranging my hair, I practice my smile. It has to be innocent, charming and seductive.

He did. We have to ad Jimmy’s blood but only once you’re turned. Oh God, please don’t do that. Why didn’t you come back ? Where are you ? The night is almost there, and the Winchesters are sneaky. I stayed with them to make sure they don’t rummage through your stuff, but they’re asking questions. Why did you let them stay at your apartment in the first place ? Joe answers in four messages in a row.

Because I don’t really care.

           I put money on the counter and greet the woman behind it, getting out.

           Dead man’s blood capsules in my purse, my vampire killing knife in my boot, another thin slightly longer blade in back along my spine. The magical burning oil in its little flask. That’s all I can take with me. I stuff my purse with lipsticks, random keys, foundation powder and other useless things, in case someone looked into it.

I will drop my guns and other weapons in the trash cans outside the club. I already spent two hours looking at it to be prepared. I know every entrances.

It’s time.

I walk to the alley I slept in so many nights. I don’t know why I chose to do it here, probably because I so often thought I would die here. It’s smaller than I remember, darker too.

On the wall, the drawing I had made, the anti-possession tattoo my heroes wore in their skin. I was sure it would protect me from my own demons, I was so sure it would. I used to put my hand on it when hunger made me so weak I couldn’t stand, when cold was biting my skin ; and when despair was beating me up, telling myself it would make me go through the night.

At least I thought it helped. The truth is, I was alone, and I was the only one fighting all this, the only one that could help me.

I put my finger on it.

“I met the Winchesters” I whisper to the girl I was, to the childhood that died here, wishing I could hear that in the past. “They’re even more handsome than you thought” I half smile, fighting the tears. “But they are not going to save you. You are. It ends tonight.”

           Taking the little bottle in my hand, I close my eyes for a second. I hate vampires. I have to focus on that, I have to be strong, and merciless.

If I become a vampire for good. They have to kill me. I send Joe.

Then I open the flask and drink it in one go.

 Dean’s Pov

             “She answered !” Joe exclaims, getting up to read her long-awaited text.

When he frowns, my heart starts to beat faster. She never came back and now night is here. I’m going nuts, I can’t just stay on this stupid couch.

“She…” the bartender says, but he doesn’t finish, just showing us the text.

Sam runs to the laundry door and opens it.

“Did she take your blood ?” he almost yells and my pupils dilate.

When the vampire chuckles darkly, Sam turns to us.

           She’s already gone.

________________________

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[ravensblood18]

Awkward

Everyone reacts differently to anesthesia – that’s part of what makes emergency surgery so complicated. There are correlations, of course, with body mass, metabolism, etc, and with the computers the best  drug and dose for each patient can be calculated.

It is perfectly safe, as McCoy assures every first time patient about to go under.(The first time he operated on Spock, the poor devil was in no shape to talk, but the second time he reeled off a series of statistics on  that particular anesthetic’s safety and tempted the CMO to up the dose just to shut him up.) What the computer cannot calculate is the reactions of each patient in coming out of sedation.  Doctor- patient confidentiality ensures that the anecdotes will never leave sickbay, but it doesn’t stop occasional bets being placed or personnel arranging to position themselves within earshot of certain patients.

Sulu, now, comes out in what is now called his D’Artagnan persona. After an incident which involved Dr McCoy getting a broken nose and Nurse Chapel getting her hand kissed, the good doctor has made restraints standard when the helmsman is…less than coherent for some reason, whether it is surgical sedation, mysterious virus or  plain old concussion.

  Ensign Chekov, from what a very amused Russian nurse could translate, usually ends up under the impression that he is the Tsar of Russia. Or that he is dating the Tsar’s daughter. It varies. Occasionally he gives orders for Dr McCoy to be banished to Siberia, for the offense of “being mean to Mr Spock.”

Riley, the one time he ended up in the post operative ward…sings. The-Song-That-Must-Not-Be-Named doesn’t sound any better when slurred beyond coherence. (The captain who had come to check on the casualties, practically bolted out of the sickbay when that started.).  Nowadays McCoy has authorized post operative medication for Riley in the interests of the patient’s safety and the Medical staff’s sanity.

Scotty, in the normal run of things, seems to get particularly inspired when half conscious, and particularly insistent on discussing said inspirations. Like the time he held a long, slurred and complicated discourse on how he could improve the production of his illegal and officially non-existent still located on Deck Ten. With a visiting Admiral who was in for his regular check up.  Fortunately, the admiral in question  turned out to be vulnerable to Kirkian charm  and a bribe of Romulan Ale.

Spock…gets very talkative.  Luckily for him, he tends to lapse back to his native language, so mostly McCoy has no clue what he’s talking about. By the time he’s coherent enough to talk in Standard, he’s coherent enough to know he shouldn’t be talking at all. The few occasions when he was just high enough to get voluble and not out enough to forget his (better than they seem) language skills have given his  hovering frenemy  blackmail material worth a life time, but unfortunately for the doctor,  the Hippocratic Oath gets in the way. The Captain, now…

“Um, Bones?”

“What, Jim?” The doctor is grinning from ear to ear. It’s only partly the euphoria of having pulled off one of the most complicated surgeries in his career (while the ship was under fire, no less). There is a particular unholy glee in the CMO’s eyes that the convalescing Captain doesn’t like.

“Just what was in that hypo?”

“Normal painkillers. Wasn’t even supposed to put you out all the way, but when you’ve lost that much blood, through direct ignorance of medical advice, I may add-“

“Okay, okay. Leave the lecture for later, Bones. I’ve got enough of  a headache already.” He pauses nervously. “Er, I wasn’t fully out all the time, was I?”

“You came round for a bit.”

“Did I…say something?”

The grin had widened to Cheshire cat proportions. “What do you remember?”

Jim groaned.

“I…think I asked Spock out. For the Valentine’s Day party.”

McCoy’s grin was now made more intolerable with the addition of a smug glint.

“Don’t even say it!” Kirk orders before the doctor can put himself at the risk of being punched out by his still-a-bit-groggy captain. “I was hypoed half way to hyperspace, that does not mean what you think! And you are going to help me explain that to him!”

The doctor mutters something that sounds suspiciously like ‘In Hypo Veritas’.

“We. Are .Just. Friends. Get your  damn mind out of the gutter and help me figure out how to explain this!”

“Well…”

“Well what?”

“You didn’t ask Spock out.”

“I didn’t?” Bones isn’t sure whether Jim sounds more relieved or disappointed.

“That damn hobgoblin left the sickbay (against medical advice, seeing a pattern here, Jimmy-boy?) the minute he was able to stand up without passing out. Said something about the ship  couldn’t have both the captain and the First Officer off the bridge “in the current volatile environment”. If he ends up fainting on the Bridge, serves him right.”

“So I was just talking to myself?”

“Nope, you just mistook someone else for him.”

Jim sighs in relief that he hasn’t ended up potentially frightening his shy First into transferring  off the ship at the first chance, then realizes just who  he was most likely to have mistaken for said First. The look of horror is enough to send McCoy into a hoot of unprofessional laughter.

“I asked Sarek out?”

“Well, you called him Spock, so I don’t think he would have..”

“Just shoot me.”

“Tempting, but maybe later. If it’s any consolation, I don’t think he understood the reference. Vulcans of course don’t have Valentine’s Day.”

“Bones, the guy is an ambassador, learning alien customs is his business! Plus, he’s married to Lady Amanda, you think she never dragged him off for a Valentine’s Date?”

The image of  stoic Sarek sitting across from Amanda at a table covered with roses and candle light is enough to provoke another fit of mirth from the doctor.

“And anyway, Lady Amanda was here, she’d understand the reference, Good God…”

“Not the most dignified way to meet the parents, eh, Jim?”

The Captain chooses to respond non-verbally, by flinging his pillow at the CMO.

“Next time, just let me scream. No painkillers! Definitely not these painkillers!”

“Against Hippocratic Oath, Captain. I will, however, consider an isolation cubicle…”

The intrepid captain of the Enterprise slumps back into bed and prays to any deity who may be listening that the famous Vulcan regard for privacy would extend to not prying into  existing or potential relationships of adult sons…

McCoy returns the pillow to it’s proper position and walks out, still grinning. At the door, he turns back for a parting shot “By the way, Jim, Amanda looked like she approves…”

The pillow goes flying again.

[eimagines]

old friend // jimmy darling

pairing: jimmy darling x reader genre: fluffy and smutty! summary: your family visit the freakshow to greet some old friends. jimmy and you can’t keep your eyes or your hands off of each other. warnings: spicy stuff, you already know. unprotected car bonnet sex lol x word count: 3800

a/n: prompt ‘the skirt is supposed to be this short’ requested by  @gooberthemanatee ! hope you like it lovely, apologies for how long this took and my disappearance! this one is for you! also, I am working through all requests at the moment!

“Remember to be on our best behaviour today everybody,” Elsa announced over breakfast as she delicately wiped away food from off of peppers chin, “An old friend is coming to visit and I would very much appreciate making her and her children’s stay with us as pleasant as possible.” 

“Who’s this old friend?” Bette asked quietly to Jimmy who sat facing her and Dot on one of the wooden breakfast benches.

“An old-timer,” Jimmy explained as he bit into an apple, “Her and her kids used to tour with the show back in the 30’s.”

“She was an absolute star, used t’ bring in hundreds in ‘er prime. It’s a real shame she’s taken ill.” Ethel spoke.

“A shame it is indeed, and we should feel privileged her one wish was to visit her old family.” Elsa finished.

“Why did she leave the show?” Dot asked, suspiciousness in her tone.

“Her eldest son went to college, got himself a great job and bought the family a home. And a giant home in the city is better than this dump, so they moved.” Jimmy explained glumly.

“Now don’t ya be ac’in’ all glum Jimmy. We ain’t got no bitterness towards ‘em. They the loyalist bunch we known. Never been a birthday or holiday we ain’t got a card off ‘em. Those kids always kept in touch on behalf of their mother, even when she got sick, precious [Y/N] must always ‘ave ‘er hands full without always writin’ to our lot.” Ethel scolded.

“Why couldn’t she ever write herself?” Dot asked.

“Well my dear, you see, some freaks are born with missing limbs, some, too many and some, like our old friend, aren’t born with any whatsoever,” Elsa explained.

Bette looked concerned. 

“She’s not been in the best of health for years,” Jimmy explained upon seeing Bette’s concerned look, quieting his voice as not to cause any upset, “I think she’s on her way out. She’s been wanting to come back for years but never had a good enough excuse to do the journey.”

Almost as if on cue, a rickety old 1948 sky blue Austin 8 came clanging down the dirt road and into the front entrance of the freak show, it’s wheels coated in dust and it’s paint job chipped and slightly rusted. As soon as the wheels came to a holt the back two doors came flying open and two young boys - one no older than eleven, the other fifteen - charged out onto the dusty path with sticks in hand as they chased each other wildly. Pepper stood quickly, ready for playtime. 

“Boys! Come here, if you’re gunna run wild and not help at least put sunscreen on. I’m not nursing you if you burn!” You called after them as you stepped out into the hot Florida air. 

“Darling! Look at how much you have grown!” Elsa called as she hurried over to you, enveloping you into a big hug, “The boys too. Come come now I’ll help fetch your mother.” 

The opposite car door was opened next and the specific old friend in question helped into a shabby old wheelchair. She was frail, weak, hard to hear as she spoke with a grave voice, but gave lots of love to her reunited friends as much as she could. Elsa helped with getting your mother out of the scorching sun, making your day seem a little less hard; Elsa looked as though she had appointed herself as the nurse for the day much to your relief. You had looked after your mother ever since you could remember, and cared for your younger brothers the best you could too. You almost never had a moment for yourself. To come back to the place you had grown up, be showered with love and given time to do what you wanted was a holiday you had prayed for.

The boys were occupied playing with Pepper as both familiar and new faces greeted and welcomed you. You had been born into the freak show, grew up around it. You hadn’t been back for ten years but somehow felt as though you’d been gone merely a week. You felt at home here. As much as you were thankful your elder brother had gotten you out of performing circus acts for a living and sleeping in a cramped little camper every day until you were 16, you’d missed the atmosphere of show life. You’d missed the laughs, the parties, hell, you’d even missed the fights and the hecklers. But honestly, you’d missed a certain Jimmy Darling more than any of that.

You could recognise his charming smile from miles away. His cocky stance, his slight smirk and his ashy blonde hair that shaped his face so perfectly. He’d bulked up since his teenage years, his build bigger and stronger looking. You caught his eye, standing at the back of the greeting crowd of people, his hands tucked away in his pockets shyly. 

You approached him, thankfully, as Jimmy had worried you wouldn’t even remember him, too embarrassed by the thought he’d talked himself out of greeting you first. 

“Jimmy, Darling,” you spoke his name fondly, the way his name rolled off your tongue spreading the feel of nostalgia coursing throughout your body. “What kind of half-assed welcome was that?” You laughed, as did he.

“Still got a mouth on you I see.” He smiles fondly, remembering how much trouble you’d get in for having absolutely no filter. Not to be expected of a “lady”. “I didn’t think you would remember me.”

“How could I forget my Jimmy?” You smirked. “I mean you sure have changed, but not that much.”

“Ahh yeah,” Jimmy held up his hands on display, “Still got these fellas, you saw them right?”

“No you dingbat, I’d recognise that smile of yours anywhere.” You giggled giving him a giant hug which he returned tightly with a laugh.

“We’re having a big dinner tonight to welcome you all back so wear something nice!” Elsa shouted as she scuttled into her tent.

“You guys gonna be okay stayin’ in this old thing?” Jimmy asked as you finished tying the last lace on your brother's shoes, sending him bouncing up and out of the open camping van door. 

The old camping van you used to live in still sat old and rusted, collecting dust and homing spiders. It didn't look all that different from when you left. Everyone had tried their best to sweep and clean it up before you’d arrived, yet the heaters were broken and the sides of the van were worn down and gritty; you prayed that tonight wouldn't be too cold and harsh for you all.

“Course we will,” You responded confidently, “As long as the spiders stay at a regular distance away from me, I think we’ll be good to go.” You smiled. Jimmy, as gentlemanly as ever, had helped you carry your bags back home and even stayed help you with the boys.

“Y’know you don’t have to stay and help me with everything Jimmy, although I do appreciate your company,” You said with a smile as you got up from your seating position on the weathering couches in the rear end of the van and popped on the stove to brew some coffee.

“Yeah, well, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t,” Jimmy asked, getting two mugs down from the shelf above your head causing him to lean into the back of you slightly. You felt your face heat up at the closeness of him behind you.

He washed out the mugs and set them down as you poured them full off coffee, the strong aroma filling the air quickly and masking the musky smell of dust that seemed to have seeped into every crevis of the place. 

You sat facing Jimmy, chatting about where you had both been, what you had been up to. You couldn’t help but eye Jimmy up as he laughed with you. The way his cheeks lifted up so high when he smiled that his eyes crinkled and deep dimples showed.

“Does the Ferris Wheel still work?” You asked with a laugh, trying to distract yourself from drooling over your old friend.

Jimmy was thankful you’d brought up the wheel, he was wondering if his oogling of you was becoming noticeable. He couldn’t help being increasingly interested in you. He always had been, but seeing how strong of a woman you had become, how beautiful and confident you were, had sent his mind into overdrive. He noticed the way you shyly looked away when he made you laugh, the way your hair fell over your glowing skin and your smile seemed to light up the dark room you both sat in. He felt overly infatuated with you already.

“Barely, it’s still as rickety as it always has been.” Jimmy laughed along with you, a thought entering his head as he sipped at his hot coffee, “Remember that old car? The yellow convertible one we used to take out at night when we thought everyone was sleeping?”

“Oh my god!” You laughed upon realisation of your earlier teenage memories, “We used to steal the keys from Elsa and drive into town! And then one night we got super drunk and it rained and we left the roof down and Elsa had a breakdown cause her leather seats got wet!”

“We still have it y’know? It's not been runnin’ for a while, far too old for it now I think, but it's parked up past the Lake. After dinner, we could walk up to there if you want?” Jimmy offered.

You’d never said yes to a plan so fast in your life.

You’d been slightly embarrassed to leave the van for dinner that evening. You’d not brought a huge array of clothing for the trip, but you had brought along your favourite pencil skirt and blouse. 

The pencil skirt accented your womanly figure, a glorious blend of both practicality and glamour. The bold red colour matched your soft white feminine blouse perfectly. The hemline normally skated just below your knees, but now hugged your body tighter than usual, the hemline resting on your thighs. 

You’d thought about switching your skirt out for the pleated one you wore earlier, but Elsa’s instance on dressing nicely replayed in your head, and you didn't want to underdress and possibly offend.

You’d walked with the boys towards the main tent, food freshly prepared and filling your stomach with growls. No-one had really paid attention to your slight wardrobe malfunction; no-one but Jimmy.

As you sat and chatted to the new members of the Freakshow, sharing old stories and new, you watched him up as he stood leaning against one of the heavy wooden pillars. Jimmy had become a proud man, a man that you simply couldn’t take your eyes off. You noticed the way in which his redshirt hugged his broad shoulders and his dark eyes glanced over in your direction every once in a while. If you caught him staring he wouldn't look away; his confident glare both bold and endearing.

Once the boys were fed and easily distracted amongst all of the interesting people they had not been acquainted with and the hundreds of activities Salt and Pepper bestowed upon them, you snuck off behind the layers of curtains that separated the back of the stage to the front. Music and laughter got quieter and more drawn out as you carefully tip-toed amongst the darkness.

Everything was laid out exactly like you remembered it; the assortment of props, costumes, missing lighting rig pieces, ropes and chairs. You fumbled with a set of Jimmy’s juggling balls, remembering fondly how he’d nervously shake before going on stage, how he’d whisper his lines to himself under his breath, how his eyes shone under the bright lights of the red and white tent.

“You lookin’ for something?” Jimmy’s voice seemed to appear out of nowhere, startling you as your fingers grip on the balls diminished and they bounced onto the cold floor below. “Sorry princess didn't mean to scare you,” Jimmy said with a laugh.

“I almost forgot what this place looked like,” you said fondly as you bent down to pick the props up off of the floor, the dusty air filling your lungs and pink tones rising to the apples of your cheeks, forever flustered by Jimmy’s name calling. “How long is the walk to the car?” 

“Not far at all,” Jimmy said, holding his arm out for you to take, “If you get tired I can always carry you there.” He said with a wink. 

You gave him a playful smack as you laughed, taking his arm in yours, “Forever the flirt arent you, Jimmy?”

“I try darlin’.” He smiled down at you fondly. 

“You look beautiful by the way.” Jimmy said, the heat from your cheeks brightening up your face, “Never seen a skirt so short in Jupiter before, and I mean that in a good way. You look great.”

“Thank you, Jimmy.” You smiled, maybe the skirt had shrunken for good reason. If Jimmy liked it, then so did you, and you’d wear it confidently, “Trying something new. The skirt is supposed to be this short.” If you spoke it into existence then you’d feel better about the machine back home having shrunken it.

The night air was cool, a slight breeze delicately blowing at your hair, the flags that lined the Freakshow waving back and forth. The stars were beginning to dot the dark night sky and the moon was full and round. You and Jimmy walked silently for a while, both of you not really knowing what to say but embracing the company of one another. The only sounds were the slight ripples of the lake's water lapping at its banks, the faded out music of the Freakshow and the crunch of dried grass as you both walked across the grounds.

The rusted bonnet of a yellow car brought you to a holt as you excitedly ran forward.

“Oh my god!” You laughed childishly, immediately grazing your fingers over the exterior of the car. The paint was chipped and rusted, the leather seats worn and outdated, the glass screen dusty and covered with a few fallen leaves.

“Told ya it was still here.” Jimmy laughed, his hands in his pockets as he leaned against the bonnet, “It knocked out when we got here. Shame we couldn’t get it runnin’ again.”

“This is so cool, I didn’t think I’d ever see this again.” Your eyes flickered to Jimmy, his skin catching the light of the moon making him look as though he was glowing. Jimmy was staring at you too, wondering how a little moonlight could make someone look like an angel.

“I’ve missed it here.” You say fondly as you join Jimmy at the front of the car, looking over the Lake to the red and white tents, the fluorescent lights of the entrance making the place glow in warm hues.

Jimmy sighed, following your eyeline to the Freakshow, “You deserved better than this place.” 

You gave him a confused look, “I’m grateful for the life I have, don’t get me wrong, but not a day goes by when I don’t think of this place, these people. I miss you all.”

“A place like this isn’t a place for a woman like you, [Y/N],” Jimmy started, “You don’t wanna be my mama’s age and still livin’ this life. You had a chance to escape and you took it, and I’m glad you did.”

“You talk like you don’t have a chance to do the same.” 

“Not with my flippers I don’t.” Jimmy spoke glumly.

“Oh Jimmy,” You sighed placing your hand on his own, knowing of his anxieties but never fully being able to understand his struggles, “This world will be kinder one day, more accepting. There will always be people willing to bring you down to bring themselves up, you just gotta know in your heart you’re the better person. Not everyone is so cruel out there, so you can stop talkin’ like I’m above this place cause I don’t look like any of you. We are all people. All equal. The world will realise it soon enough.”

Jimmy listened to the words passionately pour out your mouth, “Plus, how can anyone resist a man as handsome as my Jimmy Darling.” You both laughed fondly and you playfully shoved him. The way in which your hand had rested on his own and the way you called him ‘yours’ made Jimmy’s heart beat a little faster than before.

You watched the way his lips opened slightly like words were on the tip of his tongue but he couldn't get them out, his dark eyes drank you in against the moonlight, the way his curls fell in front of his face. The air felt a lot hotter now.

He watched the way your smile graced your face, the way your skirt hugged your waist and exposed your thighs as you leaned against the car. Jimmy couldn’t help his embrace of you. He took your chin in his hand, your eyes meeting his.

“Jimmy,” You barely managed to whisper out his name as his lips met yours with a surprise. His lips were delicate and soft on your own, it was sweet and passionate, not rushed or desperate. Your body relaxed into the kiss as your hands came up to cup his face, your lips moving against his own as his hands wrapped protectively around your waist. 

You both smiled into the kiss, breaking away from each other for a moment, your foreheads pressed to one another, Jimmy’s arms still wrapped around you tightly.

“I’ve waited so long to do that.” Jimmy smiled down at you, scanning your face with a look of pure adoration causing fireworks to go off in your chest.

“You should have done it sooner.” You replied, kissing him again with a laugh, awkward teenage memories floating back through both your heads, neither of you confident enough to act on your feelings back then. 

You were still leaning against the car bonnet, now making out deeply like you’d wished you had done years before. Jimmy had you trapped between the car and his body, kissing his way from your neck to your collar bones. You let out little breathy moans as his lips sucked against the tender parts of your skin, his hands teasingly grazing across your exposed legs.

Every so often he would look at you and check you were okay. He kissed your lips, sucking slightly at your lower lip earning him another moan that slipped from your mouth.

“Careful, you want everyone to hear?” He smirked as he moved to grab at your behind, lifting you slightly so you sat on the bonnet of the car your legs at either side of his waist as he continued peppering sweet kisses on your revealed skin. 

“You have no idea how crazy you make me darlin’, when I saw you in this tiny skirt I felt like I couldn’t breathe,” Jimmy confessed. You could feel his growing anticipating rubbing against your clothed heat. You could feel yourself becoming more and more excited, your heart was pounding out your chest and your legs began shaking in anticipation.

Jimmy slowly moved his hand up your thigh, rubbing his fingers delicately over your clothed wet pussy. “Please don't tease me, Jimmy.” You said, lust clouding your eyes as you practically begged for more friction between the two of you. 

“I’ll do anything you ask baby.” Jimmy giggled at your impatience, lowering himself between your thighs as you lay back, letting the bonnet of the yellow car take your whole weight. 

Jimmy could barely contain his excitement at finally getting to stick his head between your legs, he eyed up your lacey underwear, using both hands to delicately pull them from you. 

He was an experienced man who knew his way around a woman’s body, and whether the women of Jupiter wanted to admit it or not, Jimmy was a catch in bed. You looked down at him, peppering your thighs in kisses, yanking your skirt up higher so you could watch him as he began to eat you out.

He licked at your clit and you immediately let out a moan. He used his tongue expertly on you, going slow, then quickening his pace, flattening his tongue and sucking delicately on your most sensitive area. Your hands found their way into Jimmy’s curled locks. His dark eyes drank in the sight of you, breathing heavy, eyes shut in bliss all at his doing. 

He teased your wet entrance with his long fingers, pushing them in a little and then removing them all too quickly. He knew just how to build the pace but you were becoming impatient. You wanted him, all of him, and he could tell.

He stood straight from his position, grabbing at your thighs and pulling your body closer towards him, his clothed cock rubbing at his jeans. He leaned forward helping him fumble with his belt. He gave you another kiss, this time the desperation written on his face, letting his jeans and boxers drop to the floor.

It wasn’t long before he’d delved his large member into you, the moans that fell from both your mouths loud at the feeling of your tight walls wrapped around his cock. His hips moved slowly but deeply against your own, the feel of his throbbing cock pulling out you and slipping back in sent your mind into overdrive. 

Jimmy soon picked up the pace, somewhat desperate for his own pleasure to be fulfilled. He moaned your name, the sounds of profanities spilling from his lips and the skin slapping against skin drowning out any of the other noise the surrounding nature could conjure. One hand held Jimmy’s shoulder whilst the other you used to stimulate yourself, his cock driving in and out of you deeply, both of you sweating, chasing the familiar euphoric feeling in the pit of your stomach.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” Jimmy moaned, watching as you took your bottom lip in your teeth, eyes heavy and dark as you watched him fuck you, “You look so hot.” 

Your breathy moans become louder, your hand desperately moving against your clit as Jimmy continued to fuck you into the bonnet, “I’m so close.”

Jimmy took this as an opportunity to rip the buttons off the front of your shirt, latching his mouth onto your exposed nipple, grabbing your thighs and fucking you as hard as he could. The cool metal of the car rubbing against your backside harshly as the tight coil in the pit of your stomach released and you came all over his cock. 

The feeling of your walls convulsing against him, the wetness dripping all over his cock, the sounds of his name falling from your mouth, the sight of you coming undone beneath him sent Jimmy into his own orgasm. He groaned, moaning out your name, his thumbs digging into your hips as he came inside you. He collapsed on top of you, both of you a sweaty heavy breathing mess.

You started to laugh.

“What?” Jimmy asked breathlessly, a smile so big on his face his dimples looked like craters, “What are you laughing at?”

“I can’t believe we just had sex on Elsa’s car.”

Jimmy laughed along with you. 

“We can try doing it somewhere else next time then.” Jimmy gave you a cocky smirk, his eyebrow cocked as he slipping his jeans back on and helped you off the bonnet.

“You wish.” You replied playfully.

“I certainly do.”

A/N: Decided to lay the whole skirt thing out in a way that made sense for the time-period as short skirts weren't a fashionable choice until the mid 60′s if my research is correct! 

[brownskinsugarplum76]

Third Shift, Part 1

I'm still plugging away on the story I started for Robert's birthday, but here's everything up to the smut, which is halfway written. Please excuse any errors. ☺️ More tonight, I hope! It takes place on Robert's 21st birthday, in 1969, a day during which Zeppelin performed 2 shows virtually back to back.

Shout out to Robert, as always, for being the best muse I could've asked for. Happy birthday, sir. 🙌🏽🎁🎂❤️❤️❤️

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Good evening, Schenectady! The birthday boy is here!" Robert proclaimed loudly to no one in particular as he entered. The locals, rough-looking men who could appreciate what amounted to a truck stop stripper bar, suspiciously eyed the willowy hippie dandy with the British accent who bounded through the sea of wooden tables. Before the blue-collar men could return to their drinks they noticed the rest of the boy's long-haired entourage, and a chorus of grumbles and groans filled the room.

"He needs those birthday punches sooner than later," muttered Bonzo, watching his friend, in his birthday oblivion, blissfully ignorant to the bar's shifting mood. "I know I can give 'im as good as that American roadie tosser did me for my 21st."

As the rest of the band and Cole found an open table, Robert breezed his way to the bar between two men who were nursing large mugs of beer and lost in a heated conversation about the year's prospects for the New York Jets.

"Look at this long-haired freak," said the man wearing a Jets hat. "Kids got no respect for themselves today, I tell ya. No respect for themselves or this fine country."

Robert almost pointed out that he was from England, but thought better of it. A bar brawl and physical damage to his angel face would not help him win the hearts of any local girls.

The thought vanished quickly from his mind. He was too high to care after successful back to back shows that night, his revelry for his milestone 21st birthday, and a long swallow of whiskey in the car. Besides, he'd heard every negative comment about his hair and his clothes before.

"Oi love," he called loudly at the back of the bartender, who was restocking bottles of vodka and whiskey. No top-shelf brands, Robert noticed disdainfully, having acquired taste in this area under the tutelage of Cole. "A pint for the birthday boy, please?" He'd never met a beer or a cider he didn't like and figured it would be a safe bet.

"A pint of what?" she said without turning around.

"Ah, fuck," he said, quickly flashing an apologetic smile when the men at his sides whipped their heads toward him to deliver severe scowls. "America... Right. A beer, love, please? And it really is my birthday."

"Happy birthday, Mr. Out of Town," she said with sarcasm, moody from the high of catching Zeppelin's early show that night followed by the lows of the regulars' crude come-ons. "We've only got domestic," she continued. "I hope that's good enough for you."

She finally turned around and gasped. "You're the guy from Led Zeppelin, aren't you?"

"Robert Plant's the name." His smile, with its luminous, hypnotic quality, dissolved her shock and revved her desire. He liked the reaction he usually got from his smile, but he hoped that people would remember his name soon.

"Hey, you were at the first show, yeah? Front row, jean shorts, tight little T-shirt?" Somehow his smile became more intense, magnetic enough to make her face flush and her breath catch.

"You saw me?" She filled the mug with beer, higher to the top than usual, in direct defiance to her uncle's strict instructions.

Robert thanked her and sipped the beer she sat before him. He sighed. "Fine American lager, this is."

"Don't tell my uncle, but it's our best, and it's on the house for you, birthday boy."

Robert grinned broadly. "To answer your question," he said, then took another sip, "I would've been blind to not have noticed you. I couldn't resist your stare and you're, uh, rather lovely… Even now, in your work outfit."

She knew her work t-shirt was stained from a beer mug she had knocked over earlier. There was nothing she could do about that, so she toyed with her hair instead, finding a stray lock to tuck behind her ear. "Well, then, please tell me you're the prince who has come to whisk me away from all this." She waved her hands at the backs of men who might have been star high school football players in their heyday but were now graying or balding men, or both, with expanding waistlines and protracted bad moods. She rolled her eyes.

"I, uh, could be, if you want… For tonight, anyway."

"I don't get off until 2, though. Are you really going to stick around here until then?"

Robert looked around sheepishly. He knew Cole's skin must've been crawling, and he'd also heard whispers about more strippers visiting the hotel for him. "I…"

"Fucking hell, Robert, did you forget about us at the table, matey? Too busy chatting up a bird? We've eaten all the peanuts we can stand, you wanker. Get us some bloody beers, too!"

"Sorry, Bonzo," Robert said, without turning around. "Four more beers for the band and our road mom, please."

"I think you're right… We won't be closing your bar down, sweet. I think they have another surprise for me at the hotel." He gave her a puppy dog frown while she poured more beers. His wide-eyed stare went overcast in a way that he surely knew would be irresistible.

The more she stared into the depths of his stormy blue eyes, the more his gaze seemed to issue a dare. A barely perceptible upturn of his lips was the only clue that she wasn't imagining things.

She batted her eyelids and offered a similar sliver of a smile. His challenge had been accepted. "What a shame… But, you know, I have another idea…" She grabbed the strings that weighed down the corners of his shirt's V-neck opening and pulled him closer.

Robert didn't need another hint. He purred as the softness of her lips met his. Then he smirked inwardly as his tongue effortlessly teased her lips apart and swirled in her mouth with a tantalizing churn. He witnessed her bravado buckling under the heat of his kiss.

Her hands migrated to his mop of large curls as he gently grasped her shoulders. The two men seated in front of her groused and said it was time to get better seats for the show anyway. She knew they were the only ones who would care about her spectacle with Robert after having their space invaded; everyone else was too drunk or lost in conversation to care.

She eventually pulled away. She was fearful that her uncle would see her, as he was due in at any minute.

Her breathing went shallow and her heart began to race, but she found her voice somehow. "The show will be starting soon. When it does, meet me outside. I'll be on my break. You came in a car, right?"

"That I did, darlin'. A car that no one will be using during the show… Ah! An angel's face and a devil's mind. A combination I love."

She smiled. "Oh, Robert? One more thing…"

"Sure," he said without a clue of what she was going to say.

"Let's see your bartending skills… Don't forget the beers," she said, gesturing to the full tray before her.

"Barkeep! I thought you'd never come!" Cole clapped Robert on the back as he sat the tray down. Robert breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that all the drinks made it to the table without one drop spilled.

"Lovely new friend you have there…" Jimmy offered before trailing off. He eyed the beer suspiciously before pushing it away from him. "I'm going to pass."

"Now, now, Pagey, you'll need it for a tick while we toast Robert," Bonzo chided. "And then you can give it to me."

Robert had finished his drink but raised his empty mug for the toast, as did Jonesy and the rest.

"Right. Percy, my mate, you wiggled your ass into something great for both of us. I am forever grateful that you thought of me for the New Yardbirds, as it were. There's a matter of a petrol bill to settle still, but let's forget about that for now, yeah? I'm glad we're on this ride together. Before we all say cheers, just know that I plan to dole out your birthday punches when you least expect it. Twenty-one of 'em. Jonesy will count to keep us honest."

"Anyway," he said, looking over at Robert, "Happy 21st birthday, Robert. Chin chin."

Everyone touched glasses. Everyone with beer took a sip, Jimmy included. Robert took a healthy swallow of Jimmy's beer before passing it over to Bonzo. As much as Robert wanted another pint, he knew he wanted to be as alert as he could for the bartender and their rendezvous.

***

The entertainment was announced, and Robert rose from the table.

"And just where the fuck are you going?" Cole glared as Robert pushed his chair under the table. "You're the only reason we're here right now."

"I'd say it's safe to wager that Robert has made plans for private entertainment," Jimmy commented.

"The bartender," echoed Jonesy.

"You mean you don't want to witness the finest strippers that upstate New York has to offer?" On with you, then." Cole waved a dismissive hand and lit a cigarette.

"May I borrow the car keys?" Robert asked Cole, while his eyes pleaded even more.

"Here."

Robert caught the keys as they hurtled through the air in the general direction of his head.

"And don't drink all the whiskey with your lady friend!"

Robert bowed, tipped an invisible hat to Cole, and then walked briskly to the door.

"Hmmm… I may have spoken too soon about the quality of Schenectady's strippers…" Cole exchanged glances with the rest of the band as a voluptuous blonde took center stage and waited, with her hands on her hips, for the music to start. "My sincerest apologies, greater New York." Cole whistled loudly and turned his chair completely toward the stage.

[fenweak]

2018 pat/jon fics!

In keeping with tradition, here are some of my favorite fics that came out in 2018. Technically, it’s easier to sort through ao3 now to see all these for yourselves, but anyway! i love lists, and i love listing wonderful things so. :3 Do check the list out if you missed out on any and give these authors some love. Happy New Year, all! :D

Canon Divergent

when the clock strikes twelve by crystaljules - T | 6,508 | friends to lovers in new year's eves

Pop Your Corn Like A Champ by mending_fences - E | 2,065 | rookie year pwp

Big Spoon, Little Spoon by aseaofwords - G | 765 | gasp, there's only one bed!

Patrick and the Lucky Potato by Bittersweet - G | 794 | hockey superstitions

In The A.M. by SecondCitySavage - E | 613 | established relationship pwp

I Thought It Was A Floating Door by Mullsandmutts - 3,211 | rookie initiation of sorts

No, I Never Told Lies To You by fourfreedoms - E | 3,033 | celly realizations

The Future Is Bulletproof (the Aftermath Is Secondary) by CitrusVanille - T | 2,422 | marriage proposal

Five Times Jonny’s There to Back Patrick up (And One Time It’s the Other Way Around) - T | 3,521 | what the tin says

Throwing Rocks at Your Window by Linsky - M | 2,267 | getting together

Into You by hatrickane - E | 4,531 | friends with benefits

Same Old - 1,900 | friends with benefits with angst

This is awkward by writingintothevoid - M | 2,244 | masturbation getting together

Shitshow by AnythingThrice (WIP) - E | 16,297 and counting | relationship negotiations, porn with feelings

Hockey House by aseaofwords - M | 20,476 | pat helps jonny raise a baby

The Scars That Words Have Carved by Linsky - E | 15,964 | soulmates AU

A How-To Guide for Idiots in Love by lucky1  (WIP)- E | 12,462 and counting | Cosmo-based wooing

Transverse Velocity by fourfreedoms - E | 2,236 | Orbital Resonance h/c timestamp

A Certainty I Envy by hatrickane - E | 15,015 | time travel, friends to lovers

Eyes on the Horizon by heartstrings - E | 35,380 | future fic

Baby One More Time by fourfreedoms, sorrylatenew - E | 7,981 | first time, internalized homophobia

a bulletproof bond by thirteentorafters - T | 1,791 | summer fluff

Beg for it by Clever_grrl - E | 1,524 | pwp

running across the meadow by ishybishy - E | 2,219 | fluff and angst and smut

nobody does it like juliette by thirteentorafters - T | 4,323 | established relationship plus dogs!

Bruises on My Knees for You by Linsky - T | 2,529 | getting together

On This Day (February 27, 2018) by AnythingThrice - T | 2,191 | angsty introspection

Fortune Says by artanis_aman - E | 63,360 | BDSM pwp

Light by Bittersweet - G | 283 | short domestic fluff

I'mma need two hands - E | 1,563 | pwp

The One with the Sex Bet by Linsky - E | 11,621 | friends with benefits to lovers

Don't Forget To Breathe by fourfreedoms - E | 13,513 | friends with benefits

For Science by Linsky - M | 2,600 | first time

Light as a Feather by WolvesoftheBlueMist - T | 1,595 | marriage proposal

finished, yet by thirteentorafters - T | 1,426 | grief over death

Project: Thanksgiving by windsthatwhisper - G | 1535 | established relationship fluff

Streets of Chicago by TheNorthRemembers - E | 79,749 | h/c, friends to lovers

Operation: Christmas Gift by windsthatwhisper - G | 1,166 | future fic

There's a Ghost in My Home (And It Just Won't Go) by crankyrage - T | 11,616 | depression

I'll Be Your Detonator by CitrusVanille - M | 17,645 | marriage of convenience

Shawty With You by allthebros  - E | 5,279 | 5 + 1 mistletoe kisses

we live in the memories(of the season of light) - 1,437 | holiday season h/c

On the right side of too much by Sail_On - 4,518 | established relationship pwp

AUs

Fathoms Above by aseaofwords - T | 14,451 | mermaid!jonny

Muscle Stim by sahiya - E | 7,672 | physical therapist!jonny

Make You Crazy Over My Touch by liveinfury - E | 26,757 | porn star!jonny, fluffer!pat

Ignite My Fire, Object Of My Desire by ThalassicThedes - 6,939 | college theater acting au

it's only you and me by crystaljules - T | 2,489 | college au angst

All It Ever Was by hatrickane - E | 8,249 | fraternity AU

Let's Ride The Vibrations by FallingOutOfTouch - T | 10,303 | barista!patrick

a love to burn by peeks - E | 2,916 | college au pwp

Who Knew by themistrollsin - G | 2,434 | college AU

soft hands by Caivallon - E | 10,337 | ballet-dancer-turned student!pat, hotelier!jonny

forever only by gasmsinc - E | 3,621 | 1940s established relationship AU

(Shut Up and) Sing It With Me by CitrusVanille - T | 6,152 | model!jonny, followed by

Let Me See Your Jazz Hands by CitrusVanille - T | 2,669 | established relationship model!jonny

Little Demon Goes To College by fourfreedoms - E | 2,423 | established relationship installment of the Accepted Practice series!

bonnie and clyde by gasmsinc - E | 3,576 | 1920s mob AU

The Future Is Ours To Seize by PensToTheEnd - E | 27,878 | former rentboy pat au, established relationship

the road less traveled by thundersquall - E | 12,374 | farmer!jonny

Between the Pipes by sorrylatenew - E | 4,206 | a/b/o

Eternal Ice by NightfireRed - G | 9,119 | regular office guys AU

broadcast by Pinkmanite - E | 3,250 | cam guy!pat, established relationship

The Full Monty by CoffeeKristin (WIP)- E | 22,849 | professional Dom!jonny

trace your path between the stars by thundersquall - E | 15,859 | space military a/b/o!

One Wedding Too Many by hockeyhawk - M | 5,850 | four weddings and a funeral AU

I'm asleep dreaming that I'm awake wondering if I'm dreaming (and it’s the best dream I ever had) by Caivallon - G | 1,162 | Ladyhawke AU

Ashes, Poison, and Thorns: a fairytale by allthebros - T | 1,950 | Cinderella AU

In Every Corner by hatrickane - E | 7,518 | Miss Congeniality AU

look me in the face (hold my gaze) by Pinkmanite - T | 9,296 | CMBYN AU

we're never done with killing time by liveinfury - T | 6,026 | soulmates au

Handsome, Clever and Rich by CoffeeKristin - T | 12,017 | Edwardian Period obliviousness

Hard liquor with a bit of intellect by huntersandangels - G | 5,745 | drunk texting proposals

Soothing ruffles feathers by candy_belle - M | 2,022 | wingfic!

Drown me sweetly by Caivallon - M | 1,476 | doctor!jon, mer!pat

Greenhouse Effect by allthebros - M | 1,888 | fuckbuddy realizations

Got Your Back by Prialee (WIP)- T | 39,768 | friends to lovers, 50/50 AU

That Feeling When by fourfreedoms - E | 4,612 | military AU

immigrant song by gasmsinc - E | 4,338 | 1988 is thorki

No Capes by sorrylatenew - T | 3,797 | The Incredibles AU!

Summer Changes by CoffeeKristin - G | 1,272 | summer camp love

Expected Result timestamp by hatrickane - E | established relationship

If you like pina coladas by CoffeeKristin - T | 2,621 | meet cute in a Jimmy Buffett concert

Somebody To Love by ThalassicThedes - 7,852 | 1960s AU, first time

efficacy by thirteentorafters - M | 12,014 | rookie year mpreg

God Only Knows by Linsky - E | 26,512 | mormon!jonny

The Care and Keeping of Your Kitten by Celly1995 - T | 5,564 | kitten kaner!

A Little Nip in the Air by Celly1995 - E | 12,030 | kitten!kaner tries catnip

Tell the Stars I'm Coming Home by allthebros (WIP) - E | 15,817 and counting | apocalypse angst

You gave me home and I lost myself by Caivallon - E | 4,823 | coffee shop in Thailand AU

A Healthy Dose of Vitamin Sea by Celly1995 - E | 16,137 | established relationship, part of the kazer dick cake fic of shame and glory series

Bigger on the Inside by Linsky - E | 25,671 | doctor who fusion

take a walk on the wild side by tazernkaner - T | 3,045 | college frat party AU

You Know I Dreamed About You by kayclandestine - M | 31,942 | they meet at a Hawks convention AU

We don't pray for love by runphoebe - E | 2,912 | HOT prequel to an angsty, unhealthy relationship fic Gonna Bite Your Feelings Out

Forever & Always, My Baby You'll Be by windsthatwhisper - G | 1,259 | kidfic

the shape of you by thundersquall - E | 15,962 | college au, always a girl!pat

Just A Spark by heartstrings - E | 19,751 | college au, magical realism

Every Little Thing He Does (is magic) by jezziejay - M | 65,459 | police chief!pat, witch!jonny, bonus little magic girls and a faithful doggo

bulletproof by thirteentorafters - M | 2,456 | Mr. and Mrs. Smith AU

Fearless child, broken boy (Tell me what it’s like to burn) by Caivallon - T | 1,359 | Hunger Games AU

Ricochet by heartstrings (WIP) - E | 40,075 and counting | partners in crime angst

i think of you in colors by toewsin (haroldslouis) - E | 24,893 | figure skating coach!pat, hockey coach!jon, Shattuck AU

Black Sunflowers by windsthatwhisper - E | 23,360 | mob boss!pat

We've Waited for the Calling by allthebros - E | 23,125 | small town horror au. love and magic and monsters!

Irreplaceable - M | 23,631 | first time, tattoo-related shenanigans

Son of a Preacher Man by PensToTheEnd - M | 22,432 | future priest!jon, homeless!pat

Téméraire by Pinkmanite - E | 24,531 | spy AU, angst with a happy ending

sugar, we're going down swinging by thundersquall - E | 59,112 | baker!pat, hotelier!jonny

Something Uniquely Him by hatrickane - E | 13,838 | a/b/o, age difference

No, It's Not A Secret by SimoneClouseau - E | 13,825 | college au, always a girl!jonny, size kink

Keep the fucking lights on by runphoebe - E | 8,661 | not hockey players, daddy kink, established relationship

You Turned My Head by hockeyhawk - E | 11,072 | incubus jonny

More Than Who We Are by amoergosum - E | 14,548 | trainer dietitian!jonny

Le Moose-bouche by AbschaumNo1 - T | 2,717 | established relationship, restaurant au

Can You Lyft Me Up? by Mullsandmutts - G | 27,912 | single dad!pat, meet cute

The Boy who kissed the Moon by Caivallon - M | 71,771 | childhood friends falling in love

Sweet Like Candy Kanes by sasha_annes - T | 21,060 | candy shop AU

your soul cries out (our hands are tied) by thirteentorafters - E | 18,313 | soul bonds

i know you are (but what am i) by booktubelover7 - T | 57,984 | always a girl!pat, high school AU

The Reality of Things by windsthatwhisper (WIP) - E | 8,232 | french teacher!jonny

a song someone sings by gasmsinc - E | 45,751 | anastasia au 

[cobaltarchivist]

Another slightly spooky story I wrote a while back.

“Potions?”

    “Check.”

    “All of them?” Demetrius rummaged through his potion sack. He tended to be a bit forgetful about which ones he  had used recently. After almost a full dive into his stores, he came back up and nodded.

    “Alright. Eliza, are all of our enchantments stable?” Eliza nodded. She didn’t tend to say much unless it was completely necessary.

    “Erik, are all of your spells ready?”

    “As ready as they ever will, boss.” 

    This was our final fight. this necromancer had been plaguing our lands for years. Demetrius and I had set out after him a couple of months ago. It wasn’t that hard of a decision really. The necromancer’s armies had killed both of our parents. Dem still wasn’t over his mom’s death. We met Eliza in the elven wood. she almost shot my eye out the first time we met. I got over it. Zombies do look fairly similar to someone who hasn’t eaten for several days. We met Erik a few days before getting to the tower. He had been camping out there waiting for us. Apparently there were folk songs about us now?

    Months of traveling had led to this moment. We were finally about to vanquish this evil from the land. we walked up to the massive obsidian doors that led to the necromancer’s chambers. I nodded to Erik.

    A massive fireball blasted through the doors, just in case there were any more mooks behind it. 

“Necromancer! Your reign of terror is at an end!” a robed figure was at the end of the room, standing with his back to us, and looking out a floor-to-ceiling window.

    “Yes, to you it would appear that way, but- wait, Jimmy? Is that you?” My jaw dropped. No. It was him? He had been here this entire time? My annoying, half-wit uncle?

    “Jimmy! it is you!” Demetrius snickered. I turned to glare at him.

    “Shut up.” I faced the uncle I had hated visiting my entire childhood.

    “Uncle Bob... Hi... What are you doing here?”

    “Oh, my boy. What does it look like I am doing? I’m taking over the world!” his idiotic grin never left his face, “Oh, it’s just been so exciting! tons of adventurers have come to me. It’s like they were just begging to join my army! Now that you’re here I can finally finish my plans!” I rubbed the bridge of my nose. Why did it have to be him?

    “Wait, This guy is your uncle?” Erik asked, completely bewildered. His gnommish mind was great at creating new spells, but when introduced to something that there was just no possible way for it to have been thought of, he tended to forget everything else, including his spells. Crap. I decided to ignore his question.

    “And what plans would those be, Bob?”

    “Oh, well you see,” he wandered over to a pedestal covered in a black cloth, “This thing will only let the ‘pure of mind’ use it.” the cloth was ripped off with a flourish. underneath was a glowing white stone, carved in a multitude of odd shapes, constantly shifting through them.

    “This beauty is the eye of minds. It is slightly prejudiced against me, I think. There is some crap legend that says it can only be used by the ’sanest of men’ but I think that is just a bit made up to discourage people from taking it. I took it anyway, and tried, and tried and tried, to unlock it secrets, bit to no avail.” he was staring at the stone angrily now. 

    “The secrets of the universe, locked inside this prejudiced little rock. Isn’t it just... maddening?”

    I looked back at my group. they were all transfixed by the stone. even Erik’s mouth was shut, and he was usually on some sort of tangent about how the universe worked or something like that. something was very, very wrong with that stone.

    “uncle bob, can you cover that back up?”

    “But why would I do that?” the creepy grin was back, “after all, your friends seem to enjoy it almost as much as I once did.” Demetrius took a step towards the pedestal that seemed to echo through the room. 

    “see? your large friend wants to try and touch it. It could work. or maybe it could, possibly, just maybe, drive him absolutely, completely, undeniably mad.” Bob let out a cackle that echoed through my bones.

    “I wouldn’t let him do that though. The eye is my toy to break, not his.” he rushed over to the stone and picked it up. he twirled around the room as if the stone was his partner in a dance that only the insane could find any rhythm in. he stopped, facing the window once again. he was starting to freak me out. this was eerily similar to how he talked about his carvings before he had left us. His toys to break. the carvings had been beautiful, and were only seen once before being sold. yet no merchants ever came to his shop, or requested that he make something. I began to doubt he had actually sold a single one.

    “Bob, did you make that stone?” my insane uncle turned, the stone held so that I couldn’t see it.

    “What gives you that idea? the fact that it bears a striking resemblance to your mother? the way it shifts to show me every statue that was incomplete? the way they mocked me? why, what would give you even the slightest impression that I had made it?” he took several steps toward me. I stepped back on each one.

    “no, the eye was given to me in the dead of night. I had to hide its shifting forms from my sister to keep her from taking its beauty away. yet, because of that, I see her in it every day. the only recognizable face in the flurry of doomed souls.” mom had died five years after bob had left. my father still hadn’t stopped grieving when he was killed. there was no way he could know she was dead.

    “Bob, put the stone away. you don’t know what powers you are dealing with”

    “oh, but I do my boy. every power in the universe has been tapped to create the eye. and I shall be the one to release them.”

    “Bob, you’ve got completely nuts. that’s just a rock. it looks just like any other you would have been able to find outside of our village.”

    “Why must you lie to me jimmy? I know you see it the same as I do.”

    “No, bob. it’s a rock”

    “Is it really?” this was getting tiring. I had to do something, and fast.

    “YES!” the stone suddenly dulled, a normal stone once again. Bob began to panic.

    “WHAT? where is the power? what has happened?”

    “I told you bob. it is just a regular rock.”

    “No! No!” he clenched his face, clawing at his eyes that were betraying him. He stumbled around the room, crashing into the furniture that was scattered haphazardly around the room. finally he arrived at the window. 

    “NO! NO! NO!” with every shout he pounded on the glass, cracks started to appear. growing larger and larger as he pounded his fist against the pane. 

    “NO!” one final shout, one final pound on the cracked glass. the entire thing shattered. he turned to face me.

    “You did something. you took the power for yourself!”

    “no, bob.” I raised my hand and shot a blast of strayng energy at my deranged uncle. he was launched out the window, and plummeted to the stones below, screaming madly the entire way to the sickening crunch that ended in a terrible silence. I still had some time before my friends awoke. I walked over to the stone, which was once again glowing and shifting through its many shapes. I took off one of my gloves and picked it up. It slowly disintegrated in my hand. Why did my boons have to come from a being who loved chaos as much as he did? I looked at my bare hand. The emblem drawn in a black deeper than night was shifting in the same way the stone once did. A horrible reminder of the path I had chosen. I put the glove back on. My companions would wake in a couple of hours. they would find an empty room. It would be best to let them think I had perished. I would miss them. I hated letting Demetrius think I was dead, but I had another job to pursue. I knew they would remember me fondly, however none could know of the pact I had made with the lords of madness.

[kittyboones]

Sage Holland Drage - Bully Self-Insert

This is my Self-Insert for Bully/Canis Canem Edit! I made the art myself and would appreciate if you didn’t use it! The Template was created by Silkvale and it can be found here! I added an extra, maybe not as necessary category in the Hot Encounters category, just for fun!! And I added a few teachers! This is the finished version of this OC/self-insert! if you want to see previous versions, please go through this tag to see previous versions!

If you are interested in reading the current info about my Bully Self-Insert, please read under the cut!

Biographical Information Full Name [& Pronunciation] - Sage Holland Drage ( S AI J ) ( H AW - l uh n d ) ( d r ai j ) Meaning - Herb or Prophet, Ridgeland, Dragon Set Age - 14-15 Certified Birthdate - 12 January 1992 (not my real birth year, but shh) Astrological Sign -  Capricorn Pronouns - They/them or He/Him Aliases & Preferred Nicknames –   Dumbbell - Sage might not actually like the nickname, but Mandy WIles insist    on calling Sage it whenever Mandy sees Sage, so Sage is kind of used to this  nickname   Dragon - As some people may not be able to pronounce Sage’s surname,          Sage just call themselves Dragon to make it easier for everyone.   Ms. Shy - Even though Sage prefers to go by he/him or they/them pronouns,    people insist on calling them ms, and many people consider them shy because of how they seem terrified of new people. This nickname was first given by          Gord Vendome.   Puppy - A nickname Sage got from Kirby Olsen, that they claim matches their general personality and as Kirby claims, matches the fact Sage has puppy eyes ‘that could melt the coldest of hearts’.   Handsome Holland - because of an incident with the greasers, Ricky started calling Sage handsome and man does Sage blush every damn time   Dragonborn – Because of Sage secretly is a bit of a nerd, they obtained this nickname from the nerds when they found out they enjoyed roleplaying games like   Freddie Mercury - Mostly because of how much of a drama queen Sage can act like when they feel like it, some of the Preps have realized Sage fit the description of Bullworth’s Freddie Mercury and maybe it’s because of the fact that Sage, just like Mr Mercury, is Bisexual   Posh Spice – Maybe it’s because of how posh and ladylike Sage gets when they are dressed extremely nicely, or maybe it’s because of how Sage is not such an innocent girl like Victoria sang herself back in 2001 Ethnicities  Distant Descendants : American, British, Italian Dominant Descendants : Norwegian, Swedish, Danish Physical Description  Hair Color - Brown Eye Color - Blue Weight –  Height -  Typical Clothing Wear :  Maroon or pink vest, purple skirt, blue bow, purple bow, pink shoes - School   uniform  Pink silk dress and blonde wig - Halloween costume, that is supposed to   resemble Carrie White from the movie Carrie  Faux fur coat, faux fur ushanka - Winter attire  Plaid pink pyjama pants, striped yellow and black crop top - Pyjamas Figure/Build -  Distinguishing Features/Scars/ or Birthmarks – A mole just over their lip Explain:  Tattoos:  Piercings:  Frequently Worn Jewelry: Choker belt around their neck Personal Information  Current Living Arrangements - Sage currently lives with five of their American relatives, but also they technically live at Bullworth, in the girl’s dorm Originated from - Norway Travelled Territories -  Hobbies -   Fears – Spiders, snakes, insects, heights, scarecrows, most of the jocks Religion/Beliefs – Atheist Why?: Sage grew up in an atheist family, as simple as that. Health Behaviors  Physical Ailments/ Disabilities/ Issues –  Addiction(s) [Sex, Drugs, Smoking, Alcohol, Other] As stupid as it sounds, Sage is kind of addicted to eating sugar icing. Why?:  Any regular medication taken? – Medication for their Iron Deficiency and for their Hives Chronological Information  Profession - Student Likes -  Dislikes -  Goals/Ambitions –  Most Instructive/Painful/Memorable Experience -  Story behind experience:  Weapons/Equipment - Sage mostly fights using their hands but can use a baseball if they need to. Personal Attributes  Personality -  Strengths -  Weaknesses -  Good Habits -  Bad Habits -  Fetishes/Strange Behaviors -  Stereotype - Shy kid with few friends As you know them better(and you like them) :  As you know them better(and you hate them) :   Ratings on Personal Qualities  Physical Strength : 4/10 Sage might not regularly train, but surprisingly Sage is stronger than they seem Attractive : 5/10 Sage doesn’t consider themselves the most beautiful and mostly blames it upon their parents and grandparents for how they look Honesty : 7/10 Sage hates lying in general, but still does lie if they need to. Rule Abiding : 3/10  Sage thinks certain rules are to be broken and others are to be broken. Sociability : 3/10  Sage is quite shy when it comes to meeting new people, but if they muster up enough confidence they can make new friends. Bullworth Academy Information  Reason for enrolling: Sage has lacked disiplince and Sage’s parents had relatives that lived close Bullworth, so they decided on sending them to a Clique -  Standing and Rank in Social Circle  - Room Number – 4 Roommate(s)-  Zoe Taylor & Beatrice Trudeau Favourite Subject(s) – English,  & Art Why?: Sage loves English because they’ve felt so motivated and  Least Favorite Subject(s) –  Why?:  Favourite Teacher – Mr. Galloway & Mrs. Philips Why?:  Mr. Galloway - Sage takes a liking to Mr. Galloway, mostly because he encouraged and gave Sage a warm welcome to the school, during Sage’s first day at Bullworth Mrs. Philips - Sage got a few compliments Least Favorite Teacher –  Mr. Slawter Why?: Sage is quite afraid of Mr. Slawter, mostly because he yelled at Sage during their first class Knowledgeability  Language(s) – Norwegian, English Schooling Level - Grade 8-9, Expertise –  Chemistry –   Math –   English  –   Geography – low / Sage knows a few things, like where certain European countries are, but after that, nothing more Politics/Law – low / Sage doesn’t really find any reason to take interest in politics and doesn’t really understand it Economy –   Cooking/Culinary –   Shop –   Botany/Biology –   Mythology – high / Sage knows a lot about Norrøn Mythology and enjoys learning more and more about it Art – high / Sage highly enjoys Art and feels that they know a lot about the rules about realism and perspective Photography – medium / Sage knows how to use a camera, and what settings look good or not, so they consider themselves at a 5/10 Reading Level –   Overall Intelligence Level(s) -  Interpersonal and Naturalistic.  Relationships Statuses   Trusted Companions  Closest Friend(s) –    Milliz - “I trust her with my life. Nothing more or less to say. And might I add that her and Earnest are really freakiNG ADORABLE?”   Friend(s) -    Kirby Olsen - “Damn, I consider him my best friend out of most of the students at Bullworth.” Despite Kirby being a jock and Sage being afraid of most of the jocks, Kirby and Sage are pretty close   Beatrice Trudeau - “She might be a nerd, but I’m lowkey a nerd so we gotta stick together” Sage might not act like it, but they’re a big nerd and therefore easily became good friends with Beatrice.   Pinky Gauthier - “excuse me? She’s one of my best friends!” Sage and Pinky quickly became friends, mostly because of how Sage was wearing Aquaberry when they first came to Bullworth and the fact that Pinky was friends with Sage’s cousin from before.

Hated Rivals  Worst Enemies –  Intolerable Students -  Harmless Acquaintances  Tolerated Students -    Zoe Taylor -       Tolerated Townsfolk - Hot Encounters  Hinted Attractions -    Bif Taylor - Sage finds Bif a bit charming and he surprisingly acts slightly kind to them, but he’s dating their cousin so😔   Tom Gurney - Sage realized really quickly that Tom was the least violent one out of the bullies and found him a slight bit charming and funny, but they don’t really hang out that much so..   Ricky Pucino - Sage found Ricky a small bit scary in the start, but quickly developed a small crush that they seem to forget about really easily Crush(es) - Gary Smith, Jimmy Hopkins and Petey Kowalski, before Sage started dating them Lover(s) - Gary, Jimmy and Petey, after they started dating them Ex(s) - Just some Norwegian guys they used to go to school with that Sage happened to like Admirer(s) -   Ivan Alexander -    Bucky Pasteur - Sage, only really being friends with Beatrice and    Casey Harris -    Dan Wilson -  Extra Information  Eating Habits Omnivore/Carnivore/Herbivore – Omnivore  Favourite Food(s): Sage likes pizza, but they just like just food in general Favourite Drink(s):  Disliked Food(s):  Disliked Drink(s):  Added Information  Proclaimed Theme Song(s) - Either Dancing Queen by ABBA or Dum Og Deilig from Knutsen Og Ludvigsen Scent –  Favourite Color: Sage can’t really decide between pink, maroon or beige. Favourite Season: Winter Favourite Animal: Sage can’t decide, so they usually just say dogs Favourite Music Genre: Sage can’t really choose, but they are very fond of country and Pop Most Memorable Quote – “ Various Quotes Through Interaction :  “ Walking around –  “I sure hope Mandy was joking when she called me a dumbbell...” “I don’t know jack dritt about math, how am I supposed to get a good grade?” “Gary mentioned something about rats, wondered what he was on about.” “I’m considering joining a clique... but which one?” “ “ “ “ When the fire alarm goes off –  “Stuff like this always happens when you least expect it.” “Sure hope this isn’t a drill, I don’t want my slippers to get wet again without reason.” ”OH SHIT!” ”I owe whoever did that my life!” Greetings Good Terms:  “Hiya!” “Hey there, best friend!” “How ya doing, sweetie?” “How are you doing, buddy?” “Hey, anything fun happen recently?” “Bro! What’s up?” “Heisann!” (Norwegian for ‘Hey there’) Bad Terms:  “Please leave me alone” “I rather not talk.” “Ew.” “Get out of my face!” “Leave me alone!” “Continue being around me and I’ll beat you up! Or cry! Or even both!” Saying goodbye –  Good Terms:  “Have a good day! “See you later!” “Hope you have a good night!” Bad Terms:  “”See you in Hell, I uhm mean class.” “Leave already.” “I’m getting a headache, gotta go.” “Byyeee, see you never.” When Flirted With –  Good Terms:  “I uhm...” “Thank you....” “Well I uhm, thank you so much! I uhm haha, we should hang out or something!” “I feel flattered. I’ll uhh have to go over there until the blushing stops.” “Continue acting this sweet and you’re going to be getting ladies really quickly.” “You’re such a sweetheart!” “If I were of age, I would marry you right here on the spot, but I’m still too young.” Bad Terms:  “I wouldn’t say I don’t like you, but I’m not that interested.” “Not to be rude, but no.” “That better not be trying to make me blush, because it didn’t work at all.” “Get lost!” “I ain’t interested!” “Yikes, no thanks.“ Watching a fight –  “I know I shouldn’t watch this crap, but damn it feels so right, right now!” “ Attacking –  “I’m sorry!” “I have no choice in this situation, so I apologize beforehand!” “I learnt this one from my friend!” ”Either you run away or I keep hitting!” While Fighting –  “I really wish it didn’t have to end with one of us being hurt!” “Ouch! Thanks, I guess!” Chasing someone –  “You can run, but you can also hide!” “Come back here! please...!” Out of breath –  “This always happens....” “Why do I have to have iron deficiency? When hidden from –  “We aren’t playing hide and seek!” Knocked out –  “This sure does remind me of my first day...” Stinkbomb explodes –  “I can’t see shit!” “I should be happy I can’t smell anything from before!” “I envy ducks: they wouldn’t have the ability to smell this!” Opinions on students who reside at Bullworth Academy– Bullies   Davis White:  Ethan Robinson:  Russell Northrop:  Trent Northwick:  Troy Miller:  Wade Martin:  Zoe Taylor:  Greasers  Hal Esposito:  Johnny Vincent:  Lefty Mancini:  Lola Lombardi:  Lucky De Luca:  Norton Williams:  Peanut Romano:  Vance Medici:  Jocks  Bo Jackson:   Damon West:   Juri Karamazov:  Luis Luna:  Mandy Wiles:  Ted Thompson:  Nerds  Algernon Papadopoulos:  Cornelius Johnson:  Donald Anderson:  Earnest Jones: Sage has a strange friendship with the leader of the nerds: There are times where Sage find him the most annoying person and would love to beat him up and there are other times where Sage can relate a lot with him and talk about video games to him Fatty Johnson:  Melvin O'Connor:  Thad Carlson:  Non-Cliques Angie Ng:  Christy Martin:  Constantinos Brakus: Sage has a strong grudge against Constantinos because he snitched on them when they were sending notes to Kirby in class. Eunice Pound:  Gloria Jackson:  Gordon Wakefield:  Karen Johnson:  Lance Jackson:  Melody Adams:  Pedro De La Hoya: “Doesn’t he like, pee his bed and get bullied a lot? I guess he’s okay, just too weak and manipulative for his own good.“ Ray Hughes:  Sheldon Thompson: “Oh look at me, I am Sheldon, all the teachers love me! I hate that kid. Annoying and desperate.” Sage has a literal grudge against him and just like everyone, thinks he is a teacher’s pet Trevor Moore: Sage has no general opinion on  Preppies  Bryce Montrose:  Chad Morris:  Derby Harrington:  Gord Vendome:  Justin Vandervelde:  Parker Ogilvie:  Tad Spencer: "Big fat ego. He’s the least best prep, after my cousin of course!” Opinion on Adults who teach and patrol at Bullworth Academy – Edna: “She’s... interesting. Underrated, but I wouldn’t consider her the best. She’s kind of rude.” Dr. Crabblesnitch: “Well, he might be my principal, but he sure isn’t much of a pal. I mean, he isn’t friendly, you know?” Miss Danvers: “She might not have done anything towards me, but she gives Derby special treatment and she kind of was a bit rude to Jimmy like last year, so I don’t whether to be respectful towards her or not.” Miss Peters: “She forced me into doing a show I didn’t want to be a part of, so she isn’t getting no respect.” Mr. Galloway: “Can I just say: Best teacher, obviously. He might be an alcoholic, but I don’t judge.” Mr. Luntz: “Strange but nice guy. I respect him.“ Mr. Matthews: “I am sorry, but I don’t know who he is because I might uh be skipping some of my classes.” Sage skips their geography classes, so they have no knowledge of who he is. Mr. Slawter: “He yelled at me on my first day, so I guess I’m kind of scared of him, because he has a booming voice.” Mr. Watts: “Strange man. Strange, very strange man.” Mr. Wiggins: Sage can’t find a reason to find Mr. Wiggins an interesting teacher to listen to. Mrs. Carvin: “I don’t really know her, but I know she’s the librarian so..” Mrs. MacRae: “That woman freaks me out.“ Mrs Peabody: “I don’t have anything against her, but she shouldn’t be so old fashioned.“ Ms. Phillips: “Favourite teacher! She’s great! She encourages the students to do their best and she isn’t against any kind of art!“ Neil: Sage doesn’t really know who Neil is and doesn’t bother learning, as they don’t have. Prefects –  Edward Seymour II:  Karl Branting:  Max MacTavish:  Seth Kolbe:  Opinions on People in the cities of Bullworth – Townies  Clint(aka Henry): Sage doesn’t like saying it, but they’re quite afraid of him and Leon Duncan:  Edgar Munsen:  Gurney:  Jerry:  Leon: Sage is scared of him and Clint. Omar Romero:  Otto Tyler:  Residents in the city of Bullworth –  Bethany Jones:  Denny:  Dr. Bambillo:  Krakauer:  Mihailovich:  Miss Abby:  Mr. Brekindale:  Mr. Buckingham: Sage thinks he isn’t that special compared to other people but thinks he is one of the nicest residents of Bullworth they have met. Mr. Castillo:  Mr. Doolin:  Mr. Huntingdon:  Mr. Johnson:  Mr. Martin: Sage sympathizes him and often can relate to what he is saying. Mr. Ramirez:  Mr. Salvatore:  Mr. Smith:  Mr. Sullivan:  Ms. Rushinski  Mrs. Lisburn: Osborne: 

[anayaallyson]

Ex Back After 3 Months Best Useful Ideas

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How To Get Your Ex Girl Back When There S Another Guy

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How To Get Back With Your Ex Through Text

[junker-town]

Can speed save Ben Simmons?

In a modern NBA defined by shooting, is Simmons’ deadliest weapon good enough?

Ben Simmons is a generational talent who, because of glaring flaws exacerbated by Philadelphia’s roster and the way basketball is trending, finds himself in the wrong generation. For a player who can do so much, conversations about his game necessarily gravitate towards everything he can’t do.

The NBA is still in the midst of a revolution that’s being dictated by outside shooters who effortlessly plop in three-pointers from 28 feet. Those unable to earn respect from distance are getting left behind. Right now, that includes Simmons. In these playoffs, he has yet to attempt a single shot outside the paint, and opposing game plans don’t worry when he’s stationed on the perimeter. Simmons can cut, duck into the post, and crash the offensive glass, but those actions neither maximize his own talent nor complement his all-star teammates enough to elevate Philly’s offense as a whole.

Despite his limitations, Simmons finished this year as the third player 22 years old or younger to average at least 16 points, eight rebounds, and seven assists for an entire season. He made his first all-star team and spent many of his 2,700 regular-season minutes looking like the vigorous No. 1 pick most people expected him to be.

Simmons’ success is thanks to several physical advantages — size, strength, and preternatural vision, to name a few — but his pure speed, when harnessed at the right time, is awesome enough to conceal every blemish. At this point in his career, it’s Simmons’ most powerful ally, and a marvelous tool that allows him to do things very few in league history ever could.

Let this jaw-dropping sequence against the Dallas Mavericks serve as an example.

Think about it: How many players can outrun a near full-court pass to wipe out a dunk?

By itself, unbridled velocity isn’t enough to make it in the NBA. A compact court rewards shiftiness and deception much more than a dead sprint. But the open floor is where Simmons strikes fear in opposing coaches. It’s where he best resembles Magic Johnson and LeBron James. In it, his ceiling disappears and expectations soar. And over the past few weeks, both the Brooklyn Nets and Toronto Raptors have discovered how devastating Simmons can be when his engine goes from idle to a deafening roar.

“I’m just blown away by his speed all the time,” Nets head coach Kenny Atkinson says, one day after Simmons scored a career playoff-high 31 points in Game 3 of their first-round series.

The publicly available data that tracks Simmons’ movement hardly captures just how spectacular it can be. According to NBA.com, his average speed this season was 4.17 miles per hour, slower than Rudy Gobert, Joe Ingles, and more than 100 other players who, relatively speaking, are sloths. A look at how he impacts the 76ers in transition roughly reflects how he and the team deploys his speed. According to Cleaning The Glass, the percentage of Philadelphia’s possessions that were in transition this year was four percent higher with Simmons on the floor and 10.6 percent more likely after a defensive rebound — both numbers were near the top of the league, but don’t do Simmons’ speed proper justice.

According to private data provided to SB Nation by NBA Advanced Stats, Simmons’ top recorded speed this year was 19.7 miles per hour, which translates to him racing the length of a court in roughly 3.25 seconds. For a bit of context, Kings’ point guard De’Aaron Fox, who declared himself the fastest player in the league, recorded a top speed of 18.6 miles per hour just before the all-star weekend. (Second Spectrum doesn’t make top speeds available in their platform, but do collect the data. A master list that details where Simmons ranks relative to every other player in the league was not made available.)

Simmons’ teammates agree with the numbers:

“He’s definitely the fastest I’ve played with,” says Sixers teammate and fellow Australian Jonah Bolden, who’s known Simmons since they were children. “I think everyone’s focal point when on the court with him is just to keep up.”

“You really don’t see anything like that,” Sixers rookie Zhaire Smith says. “And me guarding him in practice, I see his speed all the time.”

“It’s special,” Jimmy Butler says. “It’s definitely different.”

Players and coaches who were polled for this story most frequently compared Simmons to 6’8 James, but smaller speed demons like Russell Westbrook, Tony Parker, Rajon Rondo, Derrick Rose, and John Wall were also mentioned. For him to even be mentioned in the same breath as those players defies science. Simmons is listed at 6’10 and 240 pounds. Human beings that huge are not supposed to gather speed as quickly as he does.

“Being really large, it’s hard to be fast … Anything where you’re trying to move body mass in space, it’s an advantage to be small,” says Dr. Peter Weyand, a biomechanist and physiologist who’s spent decades conducting performance related research. “It’s just basic biology, how muscular strength relates to body size. Bigger people are weaker.”

He makes a comparison to sprinters: “The quick and dirty is that if you’re smaller, shorter, and less massive, it’s easier to accelerate,” Weyand says. “So if you look at the difference between 400- vs. 200- vs. 100-meter specialists, the shorter the race is the shorter they get, because more of that race is accelerating. And then if you go to the indoor competitions, where typically the standard race distance is 60 meters, the guys that excel at that rate tend to be even shorter, because more of that race is accelerating.”

Without knowing specific metrics or looking at a detailed study of Simmons’ genetic makeup, including a deep dive into the ratio of his fast-twitch to slow-twitch muscle fibers, Weyand is unable to pin down exactly how much of an outlier Philly’s point guard is. But using just the aforementioned data, he doesn’t hesitate to say that Simmons is rare.

“If he hit 20 miles per hour, or just under, in an open-court situation, then I would guess his flat-out speed — and this is an estimate — could probably hit at least 24 miles per hour, if he was able to wind it all the way out,” Weyand says.

For another reference, Usain Bolt’s top speed was clocked at 27.8 miles per hour during a race in which his average speed was 23.35 miles per hour. Simmons does not have starting blocks or spikes, which are two of many unaccounted for variables when comparing a basketball player to a track star.

An NBA court is not a track, soccer pitch, or football field. It’s only 94-feet long, which prevents Simmons from really running as fast as he can. But when there’s enough time and space to turn hardwood into his private runway, it’s impossible to miss Simmons’ drag-race acceleration, how he blasts into open space sooner and with more force than should be possible. Those ruptures through the sound barrier make him look like an undiscovered species.

When he’s able to locate a crease that’s typically cleared by a J.J. Redick back screen, Simmons rumbles downhill faster than just about anyone. On the other end, his speed is particularly useful getting back in transition, be it for a chasedown block, poking away a live dribble, or choking off penetration. Here’s Simmons throwing on a cape to erase what would’ve been a wide-open DeMarre Carroll three.

Even though the play below leads to a corner three, think about how many players can smash the turbo button and cut off Pascal Siakam the way Simmons does.

Same goes for this sequence, where Simmons does what Tobias Harris can’t.

When Sixers head coach Brett Brown is asked if Simmons is the fastest player he’s ever seen, he doesn’t hesitate:

“Tony Parker was the closest and I even think Ben is faster than that. There are times when we all think ‘oh he’s really fast.’ What I do is count the steps from foul line to foul line and there aren’t many. Count the dribbles. There aren’t many. He covers ground quicker than anybody I think that I’ve ever coached and the closest would be Tony.

”And you’d all go back and you’d look at Russell Westbrook, maybe early days Derrick Rose. John Wall. Like, those greyhounds that just take off. But really, forget your stopwatch, count the dribbles and count the steps. He is elite when it comes to that part of the game.”

But basketball is not a race. Instead, speed is a means to the end, and that end is putting the ball in the basket and stopping the other team from doing the same thing. A disciplined defense can neutralize Simmons’ advantage if they abandon the offensive glass, race back, spread their arms, and shrink the floor.

“It’s not something where I’ve got to pick him up at half-court or the three-point line,” Dudley says. “I’m meeting him at the free-throw line and then it’s his athleticism vs. me taking angles and [being] smart.”

“I don’t care how fast you are, you’re not gonna beat five guys.” -Brett Brown

In many ways, not being able to unleash such a devastating weapon at a moment’s notice is the cruelest irony. But it’s also a learning exercise to help Simmons get a better feel for when it’s appropriate to race ahead, and when to pull back and hunker down in the halfcourt — even if, relative to the warm bath of a jaunt through the open floor, halfcourt play remains Simmons’ coldest shower.

“I don’t care how fast you are, you’re not gonna beat five guys,” Brown says. “It’s no mystery of how people want to guard Ben Simmons. It’s Giannis. You know, it’s young LeBron. Get back, let him see five sets of jerseys and numbers, and let him play one on five. And that is dangerous. That is where he gets himself in trouble. So there’s a place for his speed, but it’s not all day every day.”

Right now, the growing pains are real. During the regular season, 83 players finished at least 150 possessions in transition, per NBA.com, and Simmons’ turnover frequency (23.6 percent) was worst among all of them. This season, the Sixers had the second-highest turnover rate in the league with Simmons in the game. They tied the Boston Celtics for third lowest when he sat, per Cleaning the Glass.

“[I’m] just learning when to use it,” Simmons says. “The appropriate time to fly down the floor, get to the rim, whatever it is.”

Even when Simmons is stifled as a scorer, that one-man transition tidal wave can’t be ignored. He forces defenders to collapse and/or pick up assignments they otherwise would like to avoid, creating mismatches.

But against the Toronto Raptors, too often Simmons has been a Ferrari stuck in second gear. Knowing half-court situations aren’t where Simmons can consistently influence a game, Brown has given the ball to Butler, whose pick-and-rolls with Embiid have forced Simmons to imitate Rockets’ center Clint Capela by standing around the basket, hoping for a putback or lob. Simmons led last year’s playoffs in touches (104.5 per game), but this year he’s down to 77.6.

Simmons has plenty of time to add a reputable jump shot to his repertoire, but if he fails to do so, Philadelphia’s upper management will have a hard choice to make as it decides how to build around Embiid, and possibly Butler and/or Harris, both free-agents-to-be.

If Simmons can knock down open pull-ups with confidence and consistency, there’s a universe in which no defensive strategy will matter. Philly’s offense will be less predictable. Simmons will be able to create his own shot, run high pick-and-rolls against teams that won’t be able to duck under the screen and keep him on the perimeter, or completely ignore him when he doesn’t have the ball.

It’ll also make him so much more effective in transition, because there won’t be any pressure to force the issue and avoid settling into the halfcourt. Turnovers will go down, and defenders will be forced to pick him up higher on the floor, which creates more space for everybody else. Philly becomes a more dynamic team if Simmons is able to threaten opponents from more areas of the floor.

Until then, everyone must conform to a player whose unprecedented speed affects everything around him.

[millicnreasons-blog]

2

SALTY AF MUNDAY MEME // ACCEPTING

2. what are your unpopular opinions(s) of the fandom you’re rping in?  oh boy this is a great one! i probably have a lot  of unpopular opinions tbh, so lets go by fandom; 

shameless; 

helene runyon was the healthiest relationship lip has been in to date ( besides the whole marriage thing ) i honestly believe they were to good for each other, he brought out vulnerability in her that she was afraid to show, and she challenged him, she could match his smarts and she didn’t give him a free ride in class, she pushed him and called him on his bullshit. she was scared to love him, but she did, and he loved her. and i think if the situation had been different they really could have been good for each other, but then i am a sucker for a age gap plot and even more a sucked for star crossed. 

i’m glad mandy hit karen fucking jackson with a car, what i’m surprised about is that it took her so long, i would have done it two seasons earlier!! ( this is not a karen jackson safe space ppl )

 jimmy lishman wasn’t the worst guy fiona was with, people seem to over look how shitty sean was with her. like he was a class a asshole from the get go, lied to the about drug abuse ( yeah cool lie to a kid who’s parents are addicts that’s real cool of ya ) and then just fucking walked away like she meant nothing. jimmy was tortured for a YEAR, lets not forget this people. & when she truly asked him to let her go he did, because idc what any of you say jimmy lishman loves fiona gallagher with his heart and fucking soul. but hes still an asshole. 

teen wolf; 

 i really have an issue with people having an issue with malia & stiles first time. it was consensual, okay?? they both wanted it, sure it happened fast, but sometimes it does, and sometimes beautiful things comes from screwing someone you barely know ( i speak for experience here  && y’all can try and slut shame me, bring it i dare ya )  but what you gotta remember is she spend 8 years living as  coyote, her sense of time was different to ours and also her & stiles connected on a deep level, they were both outsiders, and they found solace and sanctuary in each other, and okay so it was in the grimey basement of eichen house, but the chick lived in a coyote den for 8 years this was positively up market in comparison! && don’t even get me started on the argument behind them/her being mentally unwell and consent there, because again, i speak for experience and if i was only to have had sex when i was mentally well and put together you’d be looking at a 30 yr old virgin rn 🙃🙃

i wanted stiles & lydia so badly in season 1-3, but now i think i’ll be so pissed if they’re end game, because the writers never bothered to develop them properly, or give stalia closure if that’s the way they want to go. ( but i ship both ships tbh )

grey’s anatomy; 

owen hunt was allowed to be fucking pissed off that his wife never even considered his opinions and decided yolo i’mma get an abortion. he was allowed to be upset, and angry, you know why? because it was his goddamn child. this isn’t a pro-choice/pro-life debate ( lets not get me started on that  one! ) but when a couple are married i don’t give a flying fuck if it’s in your body, this is a conversation you have together  i’m not saying that she shouldn’t have terminated the pregnancy,  but i think she should have taken his feelings and vision of his life on board.

actually, if merlex was to be a thing, and so long as they done it well and didn’t shit all over it, i could be okay with it, because frankly the way jo wilson ( and i play her so you know i love her ) had treated alex is un-fucking-acceptable. 

give april kepner a fucking break, stop making her the butt of jokes, she’s probably had the most character development and came the furthest in terms of growth outta most the regulars. leave her the fuck a lone. 

 also stop hating on jo wilson because the writers have never bothered to develop her properly. 

gilmore girls; 

  despite his lack of screen time, i think jess mariano developed fucking marvelously and honestly, as much as i ship literati so hard i don’t think the rory gilmore we seen in the revival deserved jess. he’s too good for revival rory, i mean who the fuck ever was revival rory? or revival logan for that matter. point to consider when you decided to reboot a show after a decade... remember the character development from the season you didn’t write and don’t be a bratty baby and refuse to acknowledge it bc guess what ASP we actually remember season 7. 

 the musical scene in revival; WHAT THE FUCK

okay i’mma stop now, because this is so long omfg. but thank for for asking this bc i have a lot of feelings.