#I think this flare dying down (after like two months fr I was about to start charging it rent 🙄)

[jellynotbees]

Sorry for the people in my inbox I haven’t answered yet I had a mild health crisis and wanted to deal with that first before diving in

[rengokugutspill]

Now I just been getting pissed off presumably due to mental illness. To have my period become so vastly irregular is hard to deal with because I will be like oh, I am getting symptoms, then I will probably be getting my period later this week or early next week & my body is like hahaha you fucking thought you dumb bitch you will not be getting your period for THREE WEEKS but you will have all the symptoms regardless !!

So I been agitated & distraught with dumbass medical issue in losing ability to utilize my hands normally again & migraine on & off.

It made me very pissed off my mom come at me telling me to tell my step dad happy birthday. I know it's slightly unreasonable to be so mad about something so redundant & small, but for me it really come down to I am almost thirty, why the fuck do you feel so comfortable telling me what to do & how to live my life to be appeasing to someone when all the while neither of them gave a remote shit about me when I was a kid, zero consideration for whether or not I was comfortable or happy or any of my emotions, these people couldn't even care to consistently provide me with food when I was a child but god forbid I don't wish someone a happy birthday ??

Like for sure I get this is nothing but I can't help but feel more dissed like you ignored me for a whole month & then like two days after I get the flare up with my hands & migraines again you're going to come to me without even a nicety like feigned hey how are you doing but just straight up show up & be like you have to do this.

Why ? Like, you don't fucking care. Who is this even for ?

But I make a post on Facebook because I was feeling really agitated to be like wow, I sure wish there was a medication that would make me feel better & I'm like oh yeah, there is, I'm just not allowed to have it. It was one part airing grievance, another part to status update, kinda be like everyone here stop asking & expecting shit of me because I am generally feeling very overwhelmed, but also maybe in part to see if anyone has substantial advice.

& I was so fucking irked because again, this could just be nitpicking due to my pre existing agitation but everyone who interacted with the post care reacted but for my dad's sister who heart reacted & then immediately after messages me to tell me my dad has throat cancer & I felt like what the actual fuck is that ? Like, you love that I want to kill myself & am being denied my medication & now, immediately after reading that you want to tell me my dad is allegedly dying or something ? But actually fuck you, seriously ??

It's such a disarming interaction because I really can't tell if the message was seen as a nice warning to be like idk maybe you're dad is dying or something & there was no connective thought from post to message, because my whole thing is like holy shit at least wait a day before coming at me like this ?? But you immediately do it after being made aware I'm excessively depressed or distraught.

& like I say, I am in such a nasty mood. I would not say I am begging for something to get mad &/ or fight about, but I am sensitive & already wholly irritated.

I feel like I get so mad when any family member message me because again, there is still no consideration for me really, but only seemingly what they can tell me to do for someone else. Because with my aunt, I'd imagined she wanted me to comfort my dad. & I feel like I don't understand how I am almost thirty & everyone is so fucking comfortable to make these weird demands of me like I'm some kind of puppet ? To try to orchestrate my behavior when they aren't even a part of my life ? I don't get it. I don't get if I should just ignore it & placate them regardless of how I feel or being disingenuous & just make everyone think I'm just some kinda loverboy ? But I suppose if I really did that then people would only feel more comfortable. Perhaps being met by absolute silence is truly my reality ?

& isn't there a romanticism in wanting a reaction from someone but being met only by a stark silence ?

What mastery in being so wholly unattainable ! Like I don't even exist, but a shadow of an idea of a person that seemed to exist only in someone's mind, but never really tangible in reality. What a being; what a shadow of nothing !

It was a guilty feeling but ultimately I did nothing. I looked at throat cancer synopsis & saw it's curable. Saw how my dad is still bullshitting around with his new family. & though I feel agitated because both my parents' lack of care & consideration made me the worthless human being I am today, I feel as though if a parent is truly an absolute piece of shit then they don't deserve a child at all, not one. If they are so selfish that they couldn't possibly care for another life outside their own, then why hold the reins to one ? & my mom didn't but my dad has this new family & from my perspective it feels like oh, I couldn't have a viable dad but this random kid can ? Then what's so wrong with me that my parents couldn't care about me or love me in any way but my dad can love this kid ? It feels like a curse. It's a painful reminder.

But for my dad at the same time I felt pity for him knowing he does love me & did really want to be a dad, something is just wrong with him where he can't. & I do believe that, but maybe in a way I have to to foster a care for a biological parent or a reparations for my own self ? Because I know my dad was able to change in some ways, to stop drinking & doing drugs but he still hates women, still refuses to work a day in his life or learn how to read or write. What kind of parent is that ?

To reiterate for you; one day, before I moved to the house I live in now, I was walking a couple miles down the road to a video game store. I happened to have boobs that day, like I typically tended to do every day since they're a biological part of me. I was wearing a mock neck sleeveless crop top, so although stomach & arms were out, breast & chest were fully covered, yet some man deadass stalked me in his vehicle the entire walk home hollering shit at me.

& it's the whole thing where this is very scary no matter how you slice it because is it a man who is going to kidnap me or is it someone who is only trying to make me feel uncomfortable ? How far will he follow me ?

& I hear mixed messages really where some dudes are like, “you just gotta tell a dude like that no & he will stop.” Will he ? Will he ? Because he is literally stalking me in his vehicle & saying derogatory things at me. For some men, especially predatory, to outwardly deny them would instead be taken as a challenge because god forbid you say no to them, that's asking for more problems. So what can I do ?

It was difficult obviously. I went into a store for some time & contemplated telling a cashier, because I didn't have a phone at the time, I couldn't call nine one one & provide a license plate. All I had was myself & what I could do physically. But I can't say who it was either, no description because I was trying to ignore them & realistically I do not know car models. But, I know I had looked at the vehicle because I know I saw the two times they circled back to bother me further, & yet I don't remember thinking about knowing what it looked like when I'd left the corner store.

& then what if he's still there ? I went home a different way hoping to completely obstruct sight of what building I'd gone into or where I'd really gone at all. What was the point ?

At the time I'd called my dad because I was distraught about it, why wouldn't I be ? Do you think it's normal to call your dad as a woman to tell him something like this & want or expect some type of comfort or concern ? But he basically told me what did I expect having boobies ? & basically I should get used to it because that's just how men are. & realistically no, I don't disagree with my dad but my problem is you can say that but you should still offer concern for me.

The same person who had previously stolen from me as well when I was homeless, his own child. How do you love someone like that ? How do you love someone who tells you to your face as a teenager they were right to beat your mom when she was a teenager & he was an adult because she was asking for it ?

& he started this new family when I was in my earlier twenties with a woman either the same age or younger than me at the time. So I get there's really nothing wrong with a twenty year old woman being with a sixty year old man, no matter who you are really, I'm asserting as long as the person is of age & they are consenting to the relationship then it's fine. I don't really care in the way if it's abnormal or makes other people uncomfortable because if it's what they want then what's the problem ? If it's their choice & they aren't being forced. So it is funny for me to be like ew she's actually my age or younger, but my dad was over twenty dating my mom when she was fourteen so did he ever really care ? No. You can take substance out of a piece of shit, but when I look at my mom & pan my vision to the people around me, I do realize how rare it actually is for a piece of shit parent to actually change & want to become better. & my dad is a joke. You remove substance but you're still a piece of shit.

So I won't qualm outwardly like a spoiled, entitled brat to say he can't have a family like he always wanted. But for me, it's one or the other & I will not compromise because I don't have to. I am allowed to feel whatever I feel & maintain that as my unwavering truth.

& it's fine really in the respect this takes the guilt off me for being unable to be there as well. It's someone else's problem, I'm entirely removed. Absolved ? It doesn't matter, because if you fail as a parent then you don't deserve your kid at all. It's important to feel how the weight of ruining someone else's life will ruin your own & you cannot run from this or change it. We all have to live with it.

Just as I have maintained I am a person who cares & feels empathy or sympathy for others, but I will never ever strive to be a good person or expect praise or attention from others for being perceived as a good person. I don't even care if I am a bastard villain in someone else's narrative. Because whatever “evil” I do to someone will never be some horrific crime that's actually worthy of public scorn or condemnation. I don't have to be angelic good. I'm just some guy.

So I care, but I don't care. His family call me or message me every other year of my whole fucking life to tell me he's dying, even when I was a child. My mom said “he's always dying !” It becomes a boy who cried wolf, that I'm not going to believe or care when he does die because his family been driving a damn wedge between us themselves.

So no, I think this is it for me. I would not block my dad on social media, but I think I'm done really. I will feel a measure of hurt when he dies, but probably not unlike that for my great grandfather. The feelings are complex enough that it's reasonable to just completely disregard a person's existence because it's better than carrying around torturous complexities that really don't even matter anyway. Basically, if you've traumatized me so severely, I won't hold onto your memory for my own sake. & if you truly love me then you understand this is just what I have to do. That's all there is to it.

But my dad did say he wanted me to have his skull when he dies. Presumably his ghost will come back & scare the ever living fuck out of me any chance he gets, just like he loved to do while alive. & though I hear of biohazard laws that condemn such behavior, I will still do my best to honor his wish even if it means the rest of my life being terrorized by the ghost of someone I don't really even like by their haunted skull. That's family honor I guess ?

& even if my mom is better now, I do feel like it's worth it to mention my dad doesn't compare me to this other child, my agony comes from myself. But my mom isn't childless intentionally, actually the complete opposite. Multiple times she did mean to have another child but kept losing them thankfully, despite her best wishes anyway. & she did tell me straight up to my face when I was a teenager she was having another baby that she was going to love instead because she hated me so much & didn't want me anymore. Though I recognize even if I get mad or upset, the situation truly would have been no different. Such a child would have been abused & neglected anyway. Miscarriage after miscarriage were divine intervention or curse & either doesn't matter to me. There would be no relationship otherwise.

All of it made me re-evaluate both sides of my families. Something is just wrong with my dad's side, which I been known my whole life. There is something irreparable going on there, such a nastiness I never want to be around again, nor would I ever want to see something similar elsewhere. Truly the type of shit you see & you take off running to get the fuck away from it.

But I'd lied to myself all my life to think my maternal family was good. Part of the problem with my dad's side was a lot of whole family enabling bad behaviors in everyone & no one seeing how it's harmful, to even become willing to change for the better. Like the whole family lives in this weird prison of coddling toxic behaviors so no one ever grows or changes or attempts to do anything better or reasonable. I realized only recently my mom's family is not too different but for at least my great grandparents I think were good people ? I think they accepted people with love rather than wanting to change someone even if the person was exhibiting negative behaviors... But I don't know if that's right, because they ended up enabling my grandparents & then my mom & her brother which allowed for my mom to be a piece of shit to me for half my life without any repercussions & her brother & mom never learned how to live by themselves or wholly care for themselves. Even love & acceptance can be toxic if you aren't willing to challenge or teach someone who has bad behaviors. So I feel aggravated.

Though I can't help but wonder why her extended family never reached out, because they all have their own small family of kids, own houses & businesses, like, clearly you're doing good & have never suffered in your life but someone just threw out their kid & you have nothing to say about it because it's not yours so it's not your problem ? I don't know how to feel.

I am a mom foremost with my cats. Even if I don't like human children & want nothing to do with them, I still get highly uncomfortable at the idea of a kid just being thrown away into nothing. It's more human to just euthanize them like an animal honestly. I'm sympathetic & empathetic & realistically I can say these things because obviously I was a kid thrown away by everyone. Just euthanize them. The life has become invalid if their brain's formative years was thoroughly destroyed.

I didn't know what to do. I considered blocking my dad's whole family & I still might. I hold no obligation to any of them, especially not if their intentions are to be wildly hurtful to me for no fucking reason. As the Lonely Island once said; “I'm an adult !”

Though I had felt critically depressed anyway. I felt catatonic. Like my humanity slips away from me entirely into nothing. For some weird reason I started watching the sumo wrestling because I just happened to keep turning on the TV when it was starting. I thought about how my husband loves the sumo wrestling, which I had considered in the last tournament, but still couldn't get into or want to watch. & realistically I been watch sumo on & off in the past by antenna when PBS would air NHK.

Something about this one just fucking hit. I'd heard more recently sumo is in a flux where we're seeing more fighters outside of the traditional pushing, thrusting & belt grabs. It would seem it's being called “technical sumo” though not officially. Officially, it's new enough I guess that it doesn't have a name yet ?

For me it's like I like mma, jiujitsu & grappling, & I'd seen wrestlers utilizing arm bars, throws & flips. So I'm losing my absolute mind. I would say it's wholly the greater allowance in this tournament for more fanciful & unconventional movements & styles that roped me in so tightly. I liked being able to see wrestlers who aren't mr big meat but smaller wrestlers who body composition prioritizes muscle over fat. Which I hear is difficult because when you're going up against opponents who are at minimum of three hundred pounds, you have a lot more you have to fight back against. The big boys can really flatten a smaller boy with nothing, but they call the small ones giant killers & I'm saying hell yeah. I learned a technique beforehand that it's all about breaking someone's stance & grounding. Hit up from below to topple or stagger a heavier opponent. It's possible ! But smaller rikishi also seem to face a higher likelihood of severe breaks & injuries.

I learned all kind of things. Like I guess the whole sport is done as a ritual to placate a god to prevent war, so they say all sumo wrestlers are fighting for the common goal of world peace. & the greatest rank can only be achieved if you are truly kind & honorable as a person. Their lives are mostly entirely devoted to their role as a wrestler, spending a majority of their time training, eating & sleeping, though apparently a lot of wrestlers actually hate eating & find it very difficult. Some even have a really hard time gaining weight in general. I felt a bit moved to feel in line with the wrestlers, to both hate eating & find it difficult to put on weight despite it being a mutual goal. Somehow it's comforting to know such big boys feel the same. & also a lot of them sustain severe injuries & will keep fighting despite them because missing a match means demotion. It's not only a life style of immense training & devotion, but the mental fortitude is amazing. I felt like then it made perfect sense why Rengoku would love sumo even if I didn't understand clearly before. But even more with all of this, the air of the ring is immaculate. A great show of force & tactics but everyone is so fucking amped up it becomes an incredibly excitable affair as two big boys smack the shit out of eachother. The crowning is truly the biggest, strongest & kindest boy for peace. Beautifully admirable !!

When you see a really good match, I'm about to jump out of my seat, I'm yelling “whoa !!” Then you watch someone do so good & take themself out by slipping on the wet, slippery clay & you're yelling a pained “Nooooo !!” for them !! You start cheering & rooting, wanting the boys to win. Like how Onosato nearly made a full sweep of the tournament. I was cheering for him ! We eagerly await his matches, waiting for the big boy to get crowned ozeki. All the while I would say I felt great fondness for Ura & his dynamism & appreciation for Midorifuji's small frame coming in against such huge opponents ! Ura impressed me over & over & over again, quickly becoming my favorite wrestler because as they say, he is so unpredictable, you never know what you're going to get with him ! They said he makes his matches fun to watch for everyone. Truly I would not have gotten into it if it were not for Ura, Onosato & Wakatakakage.

Even if I believed I wouldn't feel a deep fondness for a fat man, I truly started to love Kotozakura & Mitakeumi as well. I was so moved to watch them grab their opponents immediately after throwing them out of the ring to make sure they wouldn't fall & get hurt or in instance when they do throw someone, they immediately extend their hands to help them up. It makes you reevaluate everything. To think in the USA being fat is so vilified for being disgusting, but the big boy wrestlers are so kind, thoughtful & caring, it makes them cute & someone to love & cheer for !

I truly found that watching the matches each day, even when I was so depressed & catatonic, it truly made me feel better, at least in that moment. I am so fired up by the show. I feel very silly to say how much I love the sumo wrestlers. It's difficult to reconcile mostly because the decades cemented stereotypes the USA made of sumo wrestlers. Even now, to try to look up information about my favorite rikishi, Google only tends to pull the inflatable sumo fat diaper costumes or typical fat bear wrestler. It feels very appalling & disturbing. Because I don't feel good to say how much I love the rikishi when someone is going to look up sumo wrestling & only be met with that. It seems very harmful & racist to me. It bothers the fucking shit out of me honestly. It brings me a lot of grief.

For following Onosato's big adventure to ozeki, he has become the golden boy, the one you've all been waiting for as a new viewer. Will he make ozeki, will he make a clean sweep of the entire tournament ? A few of his matches were technicalities that went in his favor, but even once I seen him thrown out of the ring, the slow motion showed his face just so serene. It felt like he truly didn't mind one way or the other. It had been smooth sailing all throughout, catching each day every night & getting more & more involved to want to know these guys & be informed as a fan.

I feel like those ovulation memes, like you gotta take these wrestlers away from me when I'm ovulating because something happened to me when Wakatakakage threw Onosato out of the ring & Onosato started crying. The camera pans back to Wakatakakage & my roommate says “he looks so mean !” & he just had absolutely immaculate stage presence, what an aura !! Boy, I'm brought to my absolute knees so fast I'm ashamed. Like wow, what appeal ! I want to put his picture in my wallet & show him to everyone.

& I'm trying not to be distraught with myself because the reality of sumo is all for being the kindest, strongest & most honorable man, then ideally he's a good man. There's just that haunting stereotype that would make people think I am down bad for some fat, smelly guy. Though admittedly I'm more embarrassed to be like oh no a crush equates to mean I'm cheating on my husband. It's meaningless because this is a real man who I respect for being married & have at least one young child. Though I admit, I have to say I am more endeared to hear his wife is some kind of careworker & hearing they do have at least one small child. I find that extremely precious for him ! Ideal man !

& yet ! What has to be reasoned with is I look at men & women the same. When someone is so compelling to me, I think about what is it aesthetically that captivates me about them ? & then, how can I attain that for myself ? Do I build myself up with thighs like this woman because she has the most glorious thighs I have ever seen in my life ? It gives me something to compare myself to for a goal. Looking at women for body shapes, facial features & weight, but I am looking at men for musculature. I am looking at people for how they move in their body & in their face. I wanted to have hair long like Neji, arm muscles like Hiei & Rengoku have a great broad chest & immaculate stance & posture. I feel like that looking at Wakatakakage, what an immaculate chest & posture, his aura & movements are unbelievable ! I see him & I say, I want to attain that. I want to be swaggie like that.

I was surprised as well because looking everywhere for interviews to learn more about this sports celebrity, someone said he was a dick & I'm saying how could that be possible if you won't make yokozuna without kindness & respect for others ? I kinda think they were referring to him being short answering questions makes him seem disinterested & like he doesn't want to be there, but personally I wonder if he's short because he's awkward or if it's a matter of following that buddhist tenet of not speaking beyond what's necessary ? Because appearing to be a self involved windbag is not very honorable.

I feel disappointment because it made me feel a bit alone. To have a thought of such a nice man existing. Though I admit wholly, it's only conjecture, I can't speak for who a celebrity truly is as a person. It reminds me of how alone I actually feel & accidentally breaks my fantasy with Rengoku. To imagine a nice, caring & generous man would really exist in reality. It's an extremely painful feeling for me.

The jokes about ovulation aside anyway though, I still think it's impossible to have a deep feelings for another person in a physical sense. Though I thought of a way it could be possible, it's unnecessary to share with you because it will never happen. I think celebrities put themselves out there to become objects of affection or ire for others, for people to fabricate all kinds of nonsense about them that could end up being disturbing. I at least try to separate myself from that. My roommate said I was sexualizing the sumo boy but I'm not even sure if that's what I was actually doing. I think I want to be removed from such a harmful thought because I still believe to hold such feelings for any person is deeply wrong for me. Even entirely removed from me, he's still a person with feelings. It's okay if I think he's attractive, even in a sexual sense, but I don't think there's allowance for a further thought really. But I can look at him & pick apart his features personally. However, if he sold a pin up, I'd buy it. Down bad buying sumo pin up calendar made to appeal to women. Well, maybe only if every month were him. Anyway, you've heard my request..

I'd like to get a shirt with him on it even. I don't like when the try to cartoonify the wrestlers because it just doesn't translate well. Much like trying to make Rengoku human, it does not work. Both are stand alone entities loved as they are & cannot be changed to another plane of existence.

Anyway what if I accidentally started a movement around making sumo sexy for women ? Though personally idk because I would imagine that already exists & might just be a language barrier.

I was also not able to find any portrait t shirts of the wrestlers. I was very surprised honestly ! Especially because realistically it's no different from a band t featuring a whole band or front man or shirts with models on them or shirts with a scene from a tv show or movie star in their movie role screenshot. It's a bit odd to me.

I can't help but comically feel like I woke up in sumo in the fated time to be ignited perfectly into an autism blast. In reaching for my husband, I like to think how he was fated for me & given to me, perfect to fit together & lift me up in every way, he hands me sumo wrestling like a gift that I can start handing to others as well. I can honor my husband in loving something for him & participation together, my roommate said now sumo is going to get really popular because I started talking about it. Well, I'm blowing up seo for one, but at the same time, like I mentioned above, due to the state of flux heralding in a new age for the sport, it actually is very possible it might get even bigger. Especially because due to this current change, sumo is already seeing far higher numbers than usual, allegedly.

So is it really me or did I just walk in at the exact perfect time to make it look like it was all me ? Lol

I told my roommate how sumo is all for the appeasement of deity, I said it's not unlike the foundation for American Gods, to say gods can die when no one believes in them & gods will appeal to new generations in different ways to maintain their life, it seems like this god is an incredibly powerful one right now. I find the worship & spiritual elements to be so incredibly fascinating. Even the dances & gestures, it's all so striking ! It's not just sports men for the sake of sports & fame, but all coming down to worship for the goal of world peace. I'm so moved & so invested in this greatest soap opera I've ever witnessed !!

Though personally I'm slightly distraught. Obviously I give studio money for support because they provide me with things that are important to me, I do wish I could buy neat merchandise for my favorite rikishi where the payment goes directly to their stable :\ I'm able to see merchandise does exist, just not quite what I'm looking for. Though admittedly, outside of a t shirt, I'm not sure what I'm looking for.

To say I don't really know wholly I want to fuck a sumo wrestler, but it does make me re-evaluate that maybe men can be redeemable. I'd imagined to explain such a thought is to say a man can be valuable if he's happy just being an object. Which I think at face value sounds very harsh, but I think in the concept of advertising for online dating, a man should be happy to completely relinquish his being for someone else & only when living for someone else do I think a situation becomes comfortable for a battered women. It sounds jarring, but under the conditions that someone just truly cares for you & their foremost is your happiness, there is no more guard or anything to fear & I think it makes that person easier to love & feel safer to love & be close to. No false ideas of a world without disagreements, but a consideration when safety, care & respect are the foundation of a relationship, it seems easier to be wholly & genuinely emotive without feeling fear, discomfort or like you have to hide any element of yourself. & it's nice to say here I have a clear visualization of what I want in a partner, male or female, but it's depressing at the same time to think about from my perspective, & i've considered maybe it's more to do with where I live, it reads like an unattainable fantasy. I get a little bothered to understand it seems a slim margin of people are able to find such partners. Especially because physical attraction is important to me as well, even if it's considered a shallow mindset. I think you can have the kindest & most attentive partner but you're still going to be tripped if you never physically feel anything.

But at the same time I say what am I even bothering myself for about this ? I think it's safer to resign into nothingness than disappointment & grief in others.

What's the point in taking a chance & spending time when deep down I feel as though I would never really like someone. I get opening your heart & putting it on the line, I just personally don't feel like in my peripheral could a person exist who is both attractive & selfless. Not on this plane anyway.

I feel great woe that the tournament is currently over. I'd heard people in Japan are able to still follow the wrestlers, but I am not sure from my end due to the language barrier. I'd seen other people as well complaining about inaccessibility for lack of language inclusivity. Which at the same time I understand sounds a bit foolish, not all life can have subtitles & that's asking for too much & being entitled, even though a lot of sumo platforms themselves say they want it to be a worldwide phenomenon. It's like, well you do have a lot of people knocking on your door & begging but you're still missing some pathways for accessibility for the people who are literally begging for them.

We'd joked sumo would be the straw that breaks the camels back & forces me to learn Japanese. Though I have a lot pressing me because even last month or so I'd bought a ton of SNES & original Play Station JRPG guidebooks & I'm really sweating hard to read them !

It's interesting to look at the difference in cultures & hold such admiration for how interesting a people are. It's not lost on me that I would want to more closely understand my own, but despite being in USA, my family come from Lativa & it's very difficult to get a roots information when you are a race that was attempted to be genocided multiple times.

Either way I find immense appreciation to look at Japanese culture. I think some people are misguided to think they might wish they were born into that culture, but in doing so, it might be less special because you're not looking at everything with deep admiration & awe if you've always lived it. I think I get a bit concerned when people were lambasted for being weeaboo, though I'm not saying the ridicule was wrong either. What I am saying is I feel very concerned people would misinterpret my utmost respect & admiration as being misguided or fetishization, I try to be very careful in how I portray myself & think. But even looking inward at myself & interests, there's so much I do love rather than a pigeon hole for one concept. I'm not just mr big anime but Japanese rpgs been such an important part of my life since my first memories. Aesthetic in culture from fashion to architecture, nature, art, & food.

I find even as someone with clinical anorexia who hates looking at food, a Japanese eye is able to make foods look so good that I see something & think “oh yeah, I'd eat that.” or “wow, I am desperate to try that.”

So when I think like that, I can understand my fascination & admiration isn't disrespectful.

Like, I thought it was a bit odd to see some Japanese & Korean event where a lot of people arrived dressed in cosplay & I did think that was weird because obviously the whole country isn't just anime ?

I do get really concerned about cultural disrespect. I feel like I get mixed messages too because if a dude fetishizes an Asian women or even white women wanting a kpop boyfriend is all very bad & racist, but I responded nervous when I'd heard a friend say all Japanese people regardless of sex are hot. Maybe the generalization is wrong ? From my perspective, no complete race is all hot, but I admit native americans are definitely outstanding contenders, but I think all races have people who are beyond gorgeous to personal standards & then people you look at & get a bad taste.

My mom said I would have a good chance reeling in an Asian partner because she personally believed american women are seen as exotic. I'm not sure what to think about this. It's a nice dream but I wouldn't hold my breath either way.

I think October will be a bit exciting ! I heard at some point that one figure I am really looking forward to will release, & I think my beach shack order & maybe my omake lottery items should ship.

Currently no doll news necessarily but studio announced an interesting exhibition starting in November. They said it is focused entirely on the hashira & their personalities & feelings. Now ngl that sounds extremely hot to me, but so far what we've seen is base linework art exhibit of characters for their arcs. I found this to be extremely notable because imo it directly coincided with my faces in different profiles & angles pallet. What I would like to see though is new supplemental information presented & new character artwork ! Which I am not sure what will happen either way because I think as of now is just a baseline teaser as we work closer to the event. I'm sure each character will get at least one new artwork, but I think an important attraction would be how to further add to the characters, if the intention is specifically to spotlight them !

I was getting sweaty thinking about it, but we will see what actually ends up happening !

We also have the Mugen Train anniversary in I think two weeks about. They mentioned doing something new for it & releasing new artwork. So I am curious about if old merchandise will be made resale for international, because I'd seen before Rengoku pins & though I'd been kinda eh in regards to pin collecting, I think depending on the price I would take some pulls. I do see a lot of pins on Mercari & I feel some kind of way. But I admit pin collecting isn't my foremost desire.

They had mentioned a new coinciding lottery with the subtext of more details to be announced later. So I have that to look forward to !

Not to mention hopefully new Halloween artwork ! I wonder what the theme will be for this Halloween ?? I think I have been eager to find out since last year ! His artwork was very outstanding for last year so I can only go forward with rising excitement !

There was also an announcement for a collaboration with a zoo that will feature new merchandise & artwork with the theme of characters animal training. Our line up is characters with great popularity, though I was of course immediately surprised & startled to see both Rengoku & Mitsuri missing from animal handling ?? So I am absolutely crying & desperate maybe the months or every couple weeks will switch out line ups because honestly it's devastating not to include them in handling animals !

For dolls, I'd seen two separate manufacturers advertising themselves as go to for if you want a personal custom doll as ooak or for distribution. The one mentioned that they will make clothes but the other one seems more like they will only make an outfit for a doll if you're getting a doll & it didn't quite seem like they're open to just doing clothes. Because I liked the idea of commissioning pieces he's officially been seen wearing.

I ended up getting really impassioned about it because of how bad I want that fucking tiger doll. I was going to see if I could do a version of it with better hair. I'd drawn up bases for four dolls but only find one to really be agreeable. There is a lot more necessary work in blueprints, I wouldn't quite say I am even half way done, because then each would need blueprints for what is the outfit they should be shipped with. It's demanding, but I admit, I'd seen a few people who express they love making dolls so they tend to draw blueprints a lot & yeah, though demanding, there's something that does feel so good about actually doing it. & I think ultimately maybe there will be more ideas conveyed to just see what I'd get. Now finding when I see new dolls listed without attributes or unfamiliar to me by character, I am looking deeply at how eyes & mouths are conveyed for ideas about what I could do.

I'd hit a snag with the tiger one because it had stripes that wrap around it's cheeks & body, I had to get a three sixty view of the doll & because luckily I was able to find the Twitter account that featured it, I went back for more pictures & yes, I was able to find a multitude of helpful pictures of the baby, but I realized I'd previously thought before it was a Chinese doll & had been confused what a Chinese layperson was doing on Twitter in the first place, I realized I can identify some languages at a glance, but I do think if it's a character & not Japanese, I think I tune it out & in this field automatically assume it's Chinese rather than further probing. I'd realized this time looking it is actually Korean. Which is actually really awesome because I was able to see it might have had two distributions but at least one of fifty units & with being released about two years ago give or take, it's possible I may find one on the Korean resale. So the good news is now I have a very good idea about where to find this specific doll. & also knowing the original price conversion was under twenty dollars per doll. So I am praying !

I'd put no work into clothes yet because imo there's so much more attention & thought that are going to be at play when it comes to the clothes.

But i'd ordered from two separate sellers on ebay, I bought a Hiei & Zak from Angels Of Death (otherwise fuck it Killers your Jeff knock off) & then paid crowdfunding on the bird Rengoku & another one that I think is a cat but it doesn't have cat ears ? It has whiskers though ? The cat one doesn't have an actual physical product image but only the blueprint. So I am trying to support but I feel like I am really taking a chance on the Ebay ones because imo the Ebay doll market seems entirely unregulated which does make me super nervous.

I was not nervous in the slightest to buy from Rua despite people insisting they were scammers because I'd believed the issue was people misunderstanding that items were preorder, but for the Ebay my issue is you have sellers who claim they are attentive & respond to every question & just don't ? So it's like, I don't know if this doll is currently being manufactured & we're waiting for that or if it's in the stages of crowdfunding, which I do feel like knowing that makes a huge difference.

Although you see mostly positive reviews of people showing proof they got the doll they ordered, it's also very jarring to see neutral & negative reviews saying when a person confronted the seller about when they were going to receive their doll the seller responded by issuing a tracking number that either later turned out to be fake or ended up coinciding with them receiving just a pin in the mail. & I feel like what kind of business practice is that rather than just explaining in the first place if the item is still in crowdfunding or not ? Because I understand when it comes to manufacture times, distributors really don't know anything one way or the other, it really just is a it finishes when it finishes ordeal. I admit to being extremely nervous though. I hope for the best, but also it's like I'm going to be sitting here for like six months before I could even ask for a refund if I didn't get anything at all. & I personally believe issuing a question is pointless if it only seems to amount to weird forms of aggression ?

I'd started this post yesterday but ended up tapping out because I had other things to do. Id ended up looking at ebay for merchandise for my wrestlers because I was curious if there were better odds there or different articles. I seen a pre order for Wakatakakage's win shirt, which is basically what I was saying I wanted. But I was really appalled because it was seventy dollars with twenty dollars shipping & I'm saying no fucking way because I know the shirt is coming from a distributor & if I could just find the distributor then I could bypass the scam & probably get the shirt for half the price.

I was silly before bed watching wrestling videos by clickthrough so I could find videos with subjects in common in Japanese text that I otherwise couldn't search for. I ended up seeing one that featured this bird I'd seen appear in the televised grand sumo & at the end of the video they'd included their instagram which was in English characters so I could access it. Featured at the top of the page is a link to their store & sure enough, featured on the front page is the shirt on preorder for thirty dollars.

They say it ships late October so I am hoping it can line up with the fulfillment for my Gindaco order (which still does not have a fulfillment date ??) because it would be nice to ship both orders together so I can pay under thirty for shipping on two orders.

I think the Ebay scammers are smarmy as Hell, but I also think they are notable to watch & check like following clues. If they're advertising an item you want then you know the item exists & it's only a matter of locating the original distributor.

Though I definitely think I was very lucky to have everything fall into my lap piece by piece.

Also my mom sent me thirty dollars claiming it was for daughters day but through sources I couldn't possibly mention I'm under the impression she & my step dad wished me a happy daughter's day on son's day lmfao

[seostudios]

we’re such a cliche - c.s

pairing: choi san x fem!reader

genre: fluff, angst if you squint 

warnings: none

word count: 4.k 

synopsis: two oblivious best friends in love? one-sided. one is too shy to confess his love the other is ashamed to confess.

a/n: ugh i remember this was my only good story so i hope you enjoy and show me how much u loved this! i always enjoy feedback

a black and white checked short, v-neck dress woven in viscose fabric. short sleeves, button full length of front, and flared skirt with gathered tiers. your newly dyed brunette hair. your makeup was simple, yet so elegant. with mascara to define your eyes by enhancing your lashes. a brown eyeliner pencil along the lashes with a thin line that helped you enhance your eye shape. for your lips you opted for a natural pink lip. for your feet you wore suede sandals with covered block heels and an adjustable ankle strap with leather linings and insoles. of course in black. your jewelry was a set of pearl stud earrings paired with a silver pendant necklace with the name 'san' written on it. you never take it off as it was a gift from your best friend. as of now you were absolutely stunning wearing such simple clothing. you were heading off to kq entertainment's newly debuted rookie's dorm. ateez. coincidentally one of the members is your best friend. choi san. the only person you ever have and will rely on throughout your life. he's been by your side no matter what. and you were on his. cheering him on all the way of his dream of becoming an idol. walking up to their doorstep you hesitate to ring the bell as it was your first time seeing him after his debut. it's also your first time meeting his band mates. quickly taking out your phone camera your check yourself out. you have never been this nervous when it comes to san. why were you now? you build up courage and ring the doorbell stepping back. it's been almost three minutes since you rang the bell. was no one home? you thought to yourself. until it swung open to reveal a purple haired boy. he seemed about 5'8 and he was absolutely gorgeous. "may i help you?" he asks politely. "uh yes!" you say quickly avoiding eye contact with him. you continue, "is san inside?" you ask looking back up fighting the urge to look away. god did he make you nervous. "yes he is. do you want me to call him?" he asked you with a small smile. you nod waiting as he left the door open and jogged down the hall to get san himself.

"hyung. some really pretty girl is asking if your here. she has this cute dress on with her brown hair and you should see her hair!! she looks like an idol sannie. it's like brunette hair with a dark purple streak." as wooyoung was explaining and low-key fangirling over you san was very confused on who you were. but once wooyoung mentioned the purple streak it instantly clicked for him on who this mystery girl was. he instantly jumped from his bed and ran to the front door. all you saw was a guy running towards you and kinda almost made you piss yourself from the scare it gave you. "y/nnnnnnnnn" the voice said squeaking. you noticed it was san running when you heard his voice but honestly when you saw him running it didn't look like him. what a glow up. his hair was green, well it was a sage green and had darker green streaks all over. his muscles got bigger. seemed more tone. healthier and happier. his ears were pierced too he always complained to you of how he was scared to get them done but look at him now. opening your arms letting him embrace you. his arms snaked around your waist pulling you up and your went around his neck. hugging like your never going to see each other again. it's almost been nine months since you've seen him so it's understandable. you even brought him a present. it was the exact same silver pendant necklace he got you on your 15th birthday. but instead of 'san' it said 'y/n'. you hand him the gift but you make sure he doesn't open it til later. you give him a friendly peck; though you two were strictly just friends you never acted like it. you two were each other's everything. yet no romance sparked. you were each other's first kiss, were the first to take each another's virginity, the gifts. it was like you two were dating but nobody ever said anything you just told people you were best friends.

"come in" he tells you taking you by the hand. while you take your shoes off and san calls his band mates down to introduce you. "ah what is it now." a deep voice said echoing the door. "i was napping." one whined. they all come down laying around the living room lazily. "comee why are you so shy today." san tells you dragging you to the living room. "guys this is y/n." he says cheeks rosy pink. "who?" a dark haired boy says. "your girlfriend?" another boy with a slightly orange hair asked. "nonono!" you say suddenly budding in. "were just best friends." you say cheekily looking at san who smiled back. "doesn't look like it." said the purple haired boy from earlier. "wooyoung.." a blonde boy said from beside signaling him to shut it. "what? they don't! she has a necklace with his name on it! and they are holding hands!" he said loudly pointing. "we are just best friends. i bought her the necklace on her birthday couple years back. we are..close" san told wooyoung. "well.. i'm yunho" said a voice from behind. turning around you look up at a tall tall boy with dark brown locks munching on potato chips smiling down at you. it was warming. he seemed comfortable and wasn't making you awkward. "hi i'm y/n" you say back at him. "that blue haired one is mingi, the purple thing who screamed is wooyoung, the faded carrot top is yeosang, blondie is hongjoong the scary tall one with his arms crossed is seonghwa and the other brownie is jongho." yunho quickly explains to you. the boys say hi simultaneously back. "what's that" seonghwa asks san pointing at the bag. "y/n got me a gift." he says giggling like a fanboy. both of you sit down on the couch in front of the rest of the boys as san opens the gift. the boys eyeing the bag filled with curiosity of what you could've gotten him. he pulls out a small velvet box. looking at you already knowing what it was. "no.." he says as a big smile grows upon his face. he recognized what you got him immediately. the box gave it away. on your fifteenth birthday the necklace san got you came in an ugly red velvet box with the store logo on the front written in silver lettering. he decided to get a custom box but this time it was a black velvet box with your name written on it in gold lettering. this time around you did the exact same but his name. "yes." you said to him. you chuckled a little while he opened the box grabbing necklace. "it's beautiful." he tells you. you take the necklace from him putting it on him. "wow sannie your so beautiful." you tell him. he embraced you playfully leaving pecks on your cheek causing you to laugh aloud.

"best friends" yeosang mocks you two quietly to wooyoung as they giggle. "look guys were matching now. he shows the guys your necklaces. they smile agreeing how cute it was. san has been meaning to ask you why the sudden visit. "y/n how come you just dropped by randomly?" he asked curious. "i recently opened my bakery down the street remember sannie i told you this! you never listen." you whine punching the side of his arm. pretending to be in pain and yelling in 'pain' he tells you "hey! i have a lot of things to remember sorry i forgot but the main question is when are you going bring me those delicious blueberry souffles you make??" you sigh remembering how san was always your little taste tester when you bake and he had a special liking to your blueberry souffles. "i'll bring you some after work." you tell him combing your fingers through his hair. "speaking of work. it's almost lunch i gotta get to work." you say getting up bidding your farewells giving san a peck before leaving. "san-ah are you sure your both just friends?" hongjoong asks laughing. "yes! we are friends.." he says sighing leaning back on the couch playing with he box the necklace came from. "were just best friends, well to her." he said voice getting quieter. the members could notice how you two were together. it didn't seem one-sided. "i don't think it's one-sided." jongho says. "you two literally kissed more today than i've ever kissed the members." wooyoung says raising his brows. "that's the thing. we act like a couple but when someone asks us she'll panic and say no were just best friends." he said getting up, putting the empty box in the gift bag. "i'm going to take a nap." he told the members before heading upstairs.

you were making your way down the street peacefully enjoying the scenery. i can't believe they thought me and sannie were dating. you thought laughing to yourself. i mean sometimes i wish i could say 'yea we are' but i don't think i'll be good. you sigh. you've always had strong feelings for san but you don't think your good. good enough for a guy like him. he had everything, looks, talent and now he has millions of fans. compared to idols, models, actresses, you are just ordinary. you seem bland. you've never seen yourself as anything other than basic and having feelings let alone date an amazing unique person like san who was out of your league was just funny to you now. but your feelings grow more everyday. you two act like one why not just be one but it was never that easy. you thought san was playful and lovey dovey with you just for laughs and pure entertainment. on the other hand it was pretty hilarious to other people who weren't oblivious to the two of you. you both thought it was one-sided. one is too shy to confess his love the other is ashamed to confess.

you ended up baking some mini cookie's and cream cheesecake bites for the boys. but you didn't want to disturb them again so you went home with them hopefully bringing it to them tomorrow morning. hoping into bed going on with your evening til you got a message from non-other than san. smiling you unlock your phone to read the text. 'call??' he texted you. not feeling the need to reply you hit the facetime icon on his contact, now ringing. "hey" he says answering the call. it looked like he was comfortable on his bed laying down with his shiber beside him. "hi." you say smiling, you were cooking actually. you needed dinner one way or another and take-out was getting pricey near you. "what are you making" he asked you curiously adjusting his place in bed. "i'm just making some chicken with my salad, haven't had anything remotely healthy for the past few weeks from being surrounded by sweets." you tell him laughing in the process making him laugh a little. after cooking, getting ready for bed and even when you got in bed he was still on the other line. "i'm tired sannie" you quietly tell him trying to let him know you both need some sleep. "okay um goodnight y/n sleep well" he tells you in a bunched up sentence. "ah goodnight you too" you murmur in your sleepy voice before saying "see you tomorrow" ending the call and placing your phone on your night stand falling into a deep sleep.

you woke up to the sun rays over your closed eyes. you could've gotten an extra twenty minutes in bed as you alarm hasn't rung yet. sighing and covering your face with the blankets you decide to be more productive since to you, you were a slob. a basic slob. getting up you grab your outfit for the day and head to the shower, hoping out at least ten minutes later you go to put on your outfit and put some makeup on. you picked out a black short a-line skirt with a high waist and buttons at the front, and for you top you wanted to seem modern to fit in with today's fashion so you picked out a white cropped top with a drawstring-front and long puff sleeves. you decided to pair them with some tie-strap sandals in black with crossover foot straps and long straps to tie around you ankle. your makeup was the same as always; regular eyeliner. but instead of a thin line you wanted to try out a tiny cat-eye. after doing that you put on mascara and some powder to cover your acne scars finishing off you look with some light pink tinting lip balm. you try your best to look good you always knew it was ordinary and basic but you tried to at least look appealing basic or not. you straighten your hair today instead of letting out your natural beach waves out. you wanted your purple hair to stand out knowing it was the only non basic part of you. you grab your house keys, phone and you couldn't forget the cheesecake. walking out going down the street.your house was about a twenty minute walk from the bakery although some would find it exhausting to walk that long just to work that they would just buy a car but to be honest you enjoyed the scenery.

you arrive at the boy's dorm beforehand to hang for a little and hand them the treat. ringing the bell it swings open not even a minute later. "y/n!" it was mingi. he was by far one of your favourite people at the dorms probably because you two clicked fast with similar interests. "hi mingi~" you say giving him a side hug letting yourself in. "i need all eight of you here in the living room." you tell him as he zoomed away collecting the members, you go to the dining table and take out the cheesecake and grab a juice box for yourself. "why are you here so early" san moans aloud with a sleepy voice. "thought you were coming til ten-thirty" he tells you lazily going to embrace you. "i had to go in early today due to one of the workers having trouble with the locks." you tell him. "i brought you guys some cheesecake bites i made the other day" you say cheerfully as they all make eye contact with the treat on the table "keep her around please.." hongjoong says going in to grab a bite. "don't worry she's not ever leaving." san says to hongjoong with a cheeky smile assuring him playfully as you all laugh. "we have no dinner for tonight the cabinets are EMPTY!!" yunho says out of the blue. "if you guys want i can bring some takeout. my bakery is right beside a bunch of yummy stores and a grocery store if you would rather have home cooked meals. i can make you boys some kimchi fried rice." you tell them looking down to your feet. "we don't want you to do all the work cooking it's okay y/ thank you." seonghwa tells you. "i can meet you at the bakery before you close up and we can get takeout..!" san tells you. nodding with a smile you bid your goodbyes heading to work.

"i want to tell her." san tells the boys facing them with a stern look once you left. they were happy to help but he declined wanting to do it when he picked you up from work today. "how are you going to do it." jongho asks curious. san thought of making it so rejection or not you'd both laugh. he wanted to be corny but not where it touches you but to the point where it's so corny you laugh and get red. but he had no idea how. "you know how she owns a bakery? why don't you get a baked good and write it in icing?" wooyoung suggested the most perfect idea that literally made san squirm in excitement. running back to the dorm he kind of wanted his outfit to match with yours so he put on a white dress shirt that would define his figure well making him look very very hot as if he wasn't already. he paired it with regular black pants and went downstairs to get the members approval of how he looked as they approved he put on some random shoes and went out the door. his hair was in a middle part making it so he didn't look too basic nor too fancy. he walks swiftly past your bakery to another one to buy a small cupcake. he wanted to place a small heart on the frosted good. as the worker did that he was looking around waiting and pulled out his phone snapping a picture forwarding it to you. 'where are you?' you texted him after opening the attachment. 'buying mingi a little something' he replied scared if you would notice his current settings. "here you go sir." the worker said placing the cupcake on the counter. "would you like it gift wrapper? just a small box with it." she asked. "yes are there any choices?" he asked excitingly. "yes we have the boxes in blue, black, pink, red, purple and white with the ribbons in silver, gold, pink, black and blue. you can also write something on the top." she told him. this is where it san wanted to make it a lot more meaningful as if it wasn't enough. "may i have it in a black box with golden ribbons with the name y/n on top." he told the worker. if it's even possible san got more happy and excited than he already was. "thank you" san thanked the worker paying and leaving. his mask and coat made his identity a secret from you and fans if there were any. he decided to look through the big window you had for viewing in your bakery. he noticed you trying to frost some cheesecakes. he wanted some but couldn't risk it so he went home. "how is this?" he asked yunho who was the only one in the vicinity when he came home. he showed the box and opened it a little to show the red velvet cupcake with white frosting. it had small heart candies all over the frosting. "whaa i'm jealous of y/n now. didn't know you were so romantic sannie." he told san playfully nudging his shoulder as the two laugh. he places it in the fridge and goes to shower as you would close the shop up in three hours. he didn't realize how much time has passed until he was in the shower.

"suminnie!!" you say to your girl best friend. sumin has been busy overseas with college and finally came home after graduation. you two already set a date to hang out but she surprised you early to see how your new found business was. "hi baby" she says kissing your forehead. you hand her a treat as you two chat until you close up. "how are you and your boyfriend" she ask's as you flush red and laugh at her locking up the bakery. "were not dating." you tell her. "were just friends i know he doesn't see me the way i see him. even if he did, he shouldn't like someone like me." you say leaning against the wall. "your perfect y/n. not basic. not too outgoing. your perfect. you don't know how badly i wanted to be you while we grew up. you could always rock blond, brown, black, red, blue hair always with your iconic purple strands. your body is outstanding and you eat sweets all day. your great at everything. i grew up jealous of you. your perfect i can't see why san wouldn't like you back." she tells your patting your head telling you how amazing you were which was true. everyone saw it but you. the insecurities always got at you. but you accept what sumin tells you to feel better about yourself for tonight. you stand up knowing she should head home now which was in the opposite direction of you. "bye i love you see you tuesday." you tell her while she runs off. you wonder where san is and just that second he spooked up behind you. "boo." he spoke into your ear from behind. you jumped a little turning around to give him a small hug as you two walk down the lit street. "can we sit at the bench over there for a second y/n?" san asked you, honestly he wasn't even waiting for a reply. he took your hand as you two cross the empty street to sit at a bench at a nearby park. "what is it sannie" you ask him really confused and nervous for what's to come. "here." he shyly hands you a black box with golden ribbons in a bow with your name on it. opening it you see your favourite cupcake. a traditional red velvet cupcake with frosting perfectly swirled at the top with small heart flakes all over. you were oblivious to what he was meaning by it but you found it kind of corny either way. cringing you take out the small cupcake removing the wrap a biting into it a pleased sound coming from your mouth happy with how it taste. san was googling the cupcake obviously wanting a bite. you feed him a bite. but you still didn't know why. "sannie what is all this." you asking him taking another bite. he still had some cupcake in his mouth he was chewing down but after he wanted it to be straightforward. "it's me telling you i love you. a lot." he spilled casually wiping his mouth of frosting looking up at your blanked out expression. you didn't know how or why he could like someone like you. you were assured by sumin how there were millions of reasons on how a man like san would fall in love with you but you brushed it aside because you couldn't believe. "tell me you love me too." he told you. he hoped you would. he really wanted you to. you were speechless though. although you were happy he was in love with you as much as you were with him. you were scared to commit, scared to admit. c'mon y/n this is your chance you tell yourself mentally finally looking him the eyes. starting to lose hope in you san looks away tears brimming in his eyes. he knew deep down he shouldn't have. why am i afraid? you thought. "sorry." you tell san cupping his cheek with one hand looking him in the eye. "please." he told you, both of you looking into each others eyes. though you were too afraid to admit it verbally you had enough courage to let him know physically. using your other hand to cup both his cheeks you close eyes pulling him locking both your lips. you had kissed before, multiple times in fact. but hey were all pecks. kisses on the cheeks and quick hi and bye kisses. nothing deep and meaningful, but tonight you made sure it was long and meaningful. his lips immediately reacted pushing back and now kissing with a slow pace. his arm was placed in your elbow going up to hold your hand before you break the kiss. staring into one another's eyes you muster up enough courage still high off that kiss to tell him. "i love you." you tell him breaking eye contact. "so much" you say quietly to yourself but audible enough for san to hear. this resulted in him embracing you pecking your cheek. you were both relieved to feel mutual about each another but you were still scared but one thing you knew you deserved was happiness and now you finally feel happy with your new found love, choi san.

this was supposed to be a series but i rushed the ending so i could fit it all in ! hope u enjoyed reading this~ show love please  (by reblogging and liking) make sure to leave feed back and everything

[kpopandcream]

Palette -  IV (Final)

Pairing: ReaderxSehun

Genre: Angst / Fluff

Warnings: Mentions of Self Harm, Dark Themes.

He was the beginning of spring and you were the end of fall and he went forward while you went back, meeting somewhere in the middle. It was odd, feeling so akin to someone you hardly knew, but it was the colour of his hair that begged you to put him down on paper and carve his name into your heart.

Word Count: 9.0K

Part Masterlist

Summer droned on as ceaselessly as ever. The sun waxed and never waned. The still blue waters rippled when the slightest wind came by. The trees stretched and creaked, growing outwards to shield the grass beneath it from the rays above. Baekhyun had dyed his hair blonde to match the light outside and even he shone when you looked at him. Sunglasses were out. Barbecues were out. School was out. There was life in everything, every strand of the town except the house across from you, whose lights hadn’t turned on since Grandma Oh’s passing.

Rather than seeing less of Sehun, you somehow saw more of him. He seemed to run from his parents, who’d come immediately to care for him and the other affairs that came along with death. They had put up a picket sign and were figuring out how to sell a house quickly so they could return to their day jobs. His father, who was quite handsome for his age, seemed particularly detached. He drove between cities, staying for weekends. Those were the days Sehun would stay out longer, begging to just rest on your roof for a few more minutes- to look at the stars for a few more minutes.

You remembered standing near him at the funeral. He hadn’t shed a tear about it, telling you he was trying to be strong. He said he wasn’t going to let this hurt him but you saw how his body ached. The muscle beneath his jaw shook as he looked down at her in her coffin, nails painted a beautiful deep red as she liked it. She wore a dress covered in yellow spots, little shining dots that scattered around a deep blue dress. You wondered what you he was thinking as he stood beside you, hand in yours and holding it so tightly. You wondered what he was thinking as hi fist clenched when she was lowered into the ground.

Mostly, you wanted to cry for him. The town had suddenly taken to him and Grandma Oh. They gave him hugs and told him thank you for caring for her, told him they were proud. They offered to give food and time, offered to take a few things off him and his parents hands. It would have been kind, you decided, if you hadn’t heard a few of the town gossips who’d just given him the most sincerest condolences whispering by the dinner table with wine glasses in their weathered hands.

“You know,” one started, bright red lipstick smudged over her lip line, giving the slightly taller one a fixed look as always, “I want to say I feel bad for the kid but how can I? Yes, the death is obviously tragic but…”

“She was still cracked, you mean,” the other said, whispering lower. Was it out of shame?

Red lips raised her glass and nodded feverishly, whispers low but harsh, “and did you see him during the burial? Not even a tear.”

“Cracked as well.”

They both nodded, taking sips out of their glasses before their eyes fell on you by the table set aside for food. You had slammed your teacup onto your plate, a small crack forming up the side where the handle was. Your eyes were on theirs as well and you could feel the way they froze up, colour draining from their faces. They both turned away, slightly embarrassed you hoped as they detached themselves from their spots but not before they gave you a small nod and smile.

“You okay?” Baekhyun’s hand came to your elbow, catching your attention as he came from behind you. He kept the contact as he came around to face you, free hand coming to unwrap your fingers. He didn’t meet your eyes as you spoke.

“Do you hear this shit?”

All he could do was nod, slowly uncoiling your fingers as he murmured for you to relax. He rubbed at your shoulders slowly, silver glasses falling down the bridge of his nose. He looked as if he’d heard it before and it broke your heart. Was no one standing up for either of them?

“You can’t do anything about it. People talk all the time,” he reasoned quietly, still trying to give you comfort. It wasn’t working.

As you moved out from under his touch, you scoffed. “They’re just acting like Sehun can’t hear them and he can. It’s not fair.”

Baek gave you a small nod, not saying much. He still didn’t like Sehun but you could see he was keeping his comments to himself. All he did was tell you to go and find him and that he’d text you later, giving you what seemed like a smile and walking to his table.

Maybe it would have been better for Sehun not to know what people said. You didn’t tell him but you knew he heard it. He kept hearing it, having the words haunt his steps, or getting upset with you when you would tell the pharmacist to fuck off during a town meeting as he whispered in the back row. He would just tell you it was okay, that it all was okay and that he didn’t mind. You minded and maybe you projected that for a while but he was less and less enthusiastic to go outside.

It did affect him.

On his best days, he would continue to babysit with you. He said the kids made him feel better, like he could see pieces of himself when he was younger in them. He would lift Kihyun into the air like an airplane and his laugh would ring through your house as Inguk chased after them, asking for his turn. You would play in the pool, a child on each of your shoulders and they’d wrestle until they exhausted each other. He tried really hard being a happy person for them, to be as exciting as before but he was having difficulty. It didn’t particularly help that, after a particularly tiring day, you four were on the couch and Inguk lifted his head off Sehun’s chest to touch his face.

So softly, he said, “I miss Grandma Oh.”

“Yeah?” Sehun asked, raising his eyebrows a bit. He was calm on the outside, no part of his body tense either. You look at him, over your book and saw the way his eyes seemed to glisten until he blinked the shine away. His hand grasped Inguk’s, who was tired and had messy hair from his partial nap. With a sadness filling his tone, he nodded so slowly and held Inguk’s hand gingerly, murmuring, “me too.”

On his worst days, Sehun would stay inside. He would ask to just lie on your bed for a little. You didn’t know what to say or do, and he told you he just wanted to be somewhere quiet so you left him alone. You would sit on your stool where the light was the best and fix up little paint blots. You would draw at your desk or read by the window. Sometimes you could feel his eyes on you but you wouldn’t turn to look at them. It would only make him look away and retract. Though, sometimes you would just climb in bed beside him and hold him. That seemed to make his muscles relax but his brain still worked at light speed and you didn’t know what to say to help him, not to mention that he didn’t particularly talk much when you asked him how he felt.

Though, your only breakthrough was about a month afterwards. His parents had been coming in and out now, leaving him mostly alone. They wanted him to come back into the city with him but he refused. You watched the conversation over an icy dinner table with over baked potatoes and gamey meat. It was the second time you’d met his parents as Sehun’s partner and you couldn’t decide if they had taken to you, mostly because they seemed to ignore the fact that you were there half the time.

“I’ll stay here until they sell the house then,” Sehun decided, not looking up at his parents as he cut his slab. He was having a hard time, the meat not giving in. His mother gave you a small overlook before sighing at her son, lips pressed together.

“But there’s nothing to do here anymore.”

Okay, maybe they didn’t like you, you decided, nostrils flaring just slightly but trying to keep your temper in check. Sehun only exhaled, placing his utensils down rather roughly and giving both of his parents a face of steel.

“I’m staying whether you think I should or not. It’s better than me doing nothing in whatever suburb we live in and trailing along behind you to your frigid business lunches anyways.” He wasn’t lending much kindness in his tone, being quite distant with his parents. His father was the one to speak, straightening his back and stretching his cashmere sweater over his white button up.

“Sehun, son,” he started, trying to reason but there was something threatening in his voice, “maybe you should listen to your mother on this.”

You didn’t feel it was your place to say much but there was Sehun, beside you and positively growing with irritation. You wondered how he made it these past years, if he even stayed at home or if he was left alone often. The thought made you frown and slowly, your hand found his over the table. Your fingers laced just slightly, making him put down the fork in his left hand. His temper didn’t deflate but his tone did and that was all you needed as he explained why he was to stay. His parents, with disapproving eyes, didn’t agree but left him alone for the time being. Perhaps in making yourself visible, you’d avoided an argument between the three.

Your mind reeled as your brushed through your hair that night in front of the mirror in your bathroom. You’d taken all your makeup off, realizing you had been wearing more recently and staring at your face made you feel bare. It was as if you’d taken of a mask that didn’t cover you up but brought out more of you and there you were, barren and naked and still, the thought didn’t scare you. Yet, the knocking at your window did cause a little scream to bubble out through your mouth.

You ran from your bathroom to your window, seeing a shadow and sighing. The messily done hair could only be one of two people and, pulling apart the curtains, you were glad to see it was Sehun. He was sitting on the small ledge that you used to climb down from your roof, waiting patiently as you lifted the window for him to climb in. He sure took his sweet time, sluggish and wearing sweatpants despite the heat. His shirt was loose and hung from his shoulders, dipping so you could see his chest as he climbed inside. His hair was fading out.

Rather than moving in and causing a storm, he stood by your window sheepishly. He leaned on your frame and tugged just slightly at the curtains that rested under his legs. His eyes, deep and swirled with darkness, were bearing into yours. You were surprised they didn’t pay any attention to the length of your legs with the shorts you were wearing, or the bareness of your shoulders from your thin shirt. No, they were focused on your face, solemn and trying to hold themselves back from what they wanted to show.

Taking his lip between his teeth, he bit down before slowly asking, “can I sleep here tonight?”

It caused your eyebrows to arch up, unsure what he meant or wanted from it. He didn’t make a move to clarify it and you didn’t know what to say. You weren’t particularly uncomfortable with it, you just didn’t want your brother busting into your room to steal your toothpaste like he always did and then snitching on you. A little tilt of your head was all Sehun needed though and whatever was holding his shoulders up fell from beneath their weight. He curved forward, exhale ripping past his teeth as his hands came to cover his face. He seemed to show years of fatigue, dark circles you hadn’t noticed before peeking out from under his fingers. You didn’t know what to say to help, standing there looking like an idiot looking at him.

You hesitated, taking a moment before murmuring, “lie on my bed and I’ll turn off the lights, okay?”

He nodded, seemingly dragging himself across the floor. Despite his weight, he lay down lightly and watched you pace as you tidied your room, put your face cream on and hurried to the light. He was still curved inwards, the feeling of his eyes small and non judgemental. He seemed to need you more than he meant to in the moment, begging for your attention as you hustled. Then, those dark eyes were lost without the light and, as you bumped into a few things on your way to the bed, only his breathing kept you on course. Even his arms that snaked around your body were an anchor, pulling you onto the soft white sheets and asking if he could keep you there.

All you had to do was run your fingers through his hair, which had never stopped interesting you- never stopped making you fall for him. He rested his head on your stomach, laying diagonally as you lay straight. You placed a small pillow beneath your head to prop it up and waited for him to speak with bated breaths that were lost in the darkness. It took moments for the darkness to distill, allowing what little light there could be from the moon and passive streetlights that appeared ever so often down the road. Still, you could only make out the best of him, his shoulders and the way his ribs rose and fell with breath, the curvature of his chin, his long legs. As you tried to massage love into every touch, he seemed to relax and the moon cast deep blue across his body.

“Sehun,” you whispered, begging yourself to be quiet even though you didn’t want to be, “what happened after I left?”

He raised a shoulder to shrug before curling in closer to you. With a light bite of your lips, you only pressed as much as you could, hoping to get some sort of response.

“Did you guys get into an argument again?”

“They just don’t- they don’t get it,” he huffed, trying to keep himself temperate, “they keep thinking that this is just another business transaction. You know they won’t stop talking about how much the funeral and ambulance costed? They go on and on about it.”

“I’m sorry,” you murmured, not knowing what else to say. You’d never experienced this loss, this feeling of nothingness. Nothingness was an often occurrence but not this way. You hadn’t had someone ripped from you and this was hard for you to completely understand. Though, you tried. You let him speak and hoped it was enough.

“I kept wondering why they were so cold when I was younger but I think I get it now. They’ve never loved anyone and, on the off chance they do, they don’t talk about it or show it.” Sehun sounded so bitter, like he’d figured out why he couldn’t stand them. You didn’t know what to say, keeping your tongue between your teeth but nothing came out. There was just the steadiness of his breathing and your heartbeat, which matched perfectly.

Slowly, quietly, he muttered, “my parents were never what I wanted to be. My grandparents were everything to me and now they’re gone; I’m alone.”

“Hey,” you managed, finding your voice. His words stirred something within your stomach, pulling your hands to reach out and pull him the slightest bit up. He straightened, turning to look at you with cheeks damp. You hadn’t even noticed the cracking in his voice, nor the small spots on your shirt. All you cared for was the way he looked under the moonlight: so utterly broken and tired. He looked so defeated and it broke whatever heart you had inside of you.

With your thumbs running under his eyes slowly, you shook your head and tried to console him. Little pricks formed in your eyes, though you tried to push it down as you spoke. “You’re not alone, Sehun. You’ve never been. You had your grandparents, you have Chanyeol, you have Dongmin and Soojin, all those university friends you have. They’ve called you and asked to see you. They care. They’re all here for you, okay? You’re not alone.”

“Maybe,” he hummed and you didn’t know what else to say. Though you tried to convince him, he didn’t seem much too intent on believing what you said. You blamed it on how upset he was, knowing he’d come to his senses soon. Not knowing what else to do, you watched the way he moved from lying down to sitting on the end of your bed. He looked perched to leave and you didn’t want him to. Not at all.

Shifting down, you came behind him and reached for his hand, fingers entwining easily. He was as soft as butter and he melted in the way you spoke, giving you a nod the moment you asked if he wanted to stay for the night. He didn’t want to show you he was upset, rubbing under his eyes before clearing his throat and taking to lying down next to you.

After he settled into his spot, arms snaking around your waist again, the room went silent. Yet, you could still hear the gears in his head turning and turning in a never ending cycle. He felt so restless and, when you turned on your side to face him, he had his eyes on you. They were half-closed but intent. He wasn’t thinking much but you and it showed in the way his eyes seemed to adorn you with a sadness you hadn’t been able to recognize in them before. It was something he hadn’t dared to show until that night, where his thumb came to draw a line across your cheekbone and he beckoned you closer with nearly silent words.

“I have you too, right?”

Whatever tears threatened to fall fought harder against their barrier. Allowing a tear by, you nodded and brought your head under his. He wrapped his arms tighter around yours and you figured maybe you could blame that for the constriction in your throat as you held him back and muttered a cracked, “of course you do. Of course.”

His chest, rising and falling in irregular patterns, was the only indication you had that he heard you- that he was comforted. His body seemed to allow you to fit right into him, creating locks when you were a key. You couldn’t feel the water forming on his cheeks, though you supposed he knew you knew. There wasn’t a secret in his heart you didn’t hear and not a secret you didn’t want to hear. It was a moment you only believed existed in movies but then again, it was so imperfect. There was no lighting. There was no stunning leading lady. There wasn’t an easy solution. Yet, there was him and there was you and for each other, it was all you needed.

You looked at Sehun from the passenger seat, with his mouth pressed into a line and his eyes squinted once again under his cap. The sun was high and would’ve convinced you it was later than it was if it wasn’t for Baekhyun’s snoring from the backseat. He was cuddled into a bundle, clinging onto a blanket because Sehun’s air conditioning was too high for him. A hat was placed on his face to hide him from the sun, though his mouth was slightly ajar from how long he’d been asleep. Sehun wasn’t impressed, though he didn’t say a word. He only gave you a small look from the corner of his eye which caused the corners of your lips to crawl slightly up your cheeks. His struggled not to follow and so, he turned his attention back to the road. As you looked out the window, Chanyeol’s face came to your memory.

He rolled down the street a week ago to stay with Sehun for a while before having to be called back for work. He suggested a party, eyes nearly as big as his ears on his small head. He looked goofy but charming, especially when his lips stretched to form a smile. With a black hoodie on and jeans and an infamous black cap on despite it being night time, he’d asked to meet you one last time before he left. You remembered seeing Sehun laughing from your window before coming down, Chanyeol’s hand smacking his shoulder as they giggled like kids.

Ears sticking out of the cap’s rim, the opening of your door alerted both of them who looked genuinely content in each other’s presence. Sehun’s shoulders were fully relaxed which you hadn’t seen in a while and it gave you whatever hop was in your step. So comfortably, his hand came into yours as you said hello to both men, taking a spot beside Sehun. Chanyeol’s hand was perched on the top of the car and he looked so casual, leaning there and looking at you both.

“So you’re coming, right?” He looked at you and Sehun as if you were the only people he could see, smile lazy but constant with little indents in his cheeks. You went to open you mouth before realizing you didn’t know what he meant.

“To what?”

The two men exchanged looks before Sehun exhaled deeply and muttered, “I forgot.”

“You forgot?” Chan’s mouth dipped down to create a wide circle as he shook his head. “How could you?”

Sehun attempted to console his friend, who had dramatically placed his hand over his eyes and turned his head to the sky. “I was just so caught up with you being here-“

“Oh cruel world!” Chanyeol interrupted, hand finding his heart and clutching the material there, “perhaps we should just cancel! Our sweet Sehun, he’s forgotten us all.”

Sehun, chest quivering from laughter, reached out and placed his free hand over Chanyeol’s, professing, “I’ll never forget again, I promise.”

His friend, hardly containing himself, came up with some sort of punishment and you couldn’t help the way you laughed at them. Your voice rang clear through the street and it seemed to give Sehun some sort of joy as he looked back at you and clutched your hand the slightest bit tighter. Chanyeol’s eyes, also on you, felt like a sunset: kind and soft in all the right ways while being impossibly radiant. It was a wonder seeing the two together, Sehun’s hair fading but still true to its colour.

“We’re having a party, y/n,” Sehun explained, tapping Chanyeol’s chest as he continued, “this one’s planning it for me and all my friends when I come back this weekend.”

Chanyeol nodded, looking down the road behind you before coming back to your face, saying, “we would’ve gone down together but I’ve got a work thing.”

Sehun mouthed ‘work thing’ and used halved quotation marks, hardly avoiding a swatting from Chanyeol. The two only found it funny, playing off each other under street lights that barely illuminated them. You couldn’t help but think you could stand to see Sehun smile like this again, so leisurely and happily. He seemed without a care and you were grateful for Chanyeol as he wrapped up the conversation and got into his car. He was adamant on getting to the city before midnight but it wasn’t going to happen. He just wanted to let you and Sehun have your own time alone for a while.

As he sat in the seat, picking at his wheel while Sehun ran inside to get him a water bottle for the road, you leaned on the car. You didn’t know what to say so you didn’t say a word, uncomfortably comfortable looking at the stars in the sky. Chanyeol didn’t seem to mind, keeping silent until he cleared his throat, voice coming low.

“I hope Sehun hasn’t been a burden to you, y/n. He’s very upset and very heavy sometimes and I’m sorry you had to bear him on your back alone, especially through the worst part of it.”

Arms crossed, you blinked and mouthed like a fish before forming the words, “he wasn’t a burden at all.”

Chanyeol’s eyes caught yours through the windshield and he smiled sadly, giving you a little nod. “Then good. He really likes you and I don’t want it to be a mistake.”

“Mistake?” Your eyebrows raised in time, unsure where the conversations was going to take you. With the widening of his eyes coupled with the fast bumbling of his words, you saw he meant no harm. He, just like most people, didn’t think before he spoke. His hands tightened around the wheel out of embarrassment, redness forming on his cheeks in an instant.

“That’s- that’s not what i meant, you’re not a mistake, of course you’re not. I just worry about him. I want him to be happy and he is with you. It hasn’t happened in a while, is all,” he trailed off, taking a bite to his lips as his eyes moved from your face to the road, where it disappeared into a dark distance spotted with lights.

“You’re a very sweet friend, Chanyeol,” you hummed, not knowing what else to say. Your hand rested on his shoulder through the opened window and he looked at you from under his cap with a sheepish smile. He didn’t believe in your words at all but he didn’t reject them and you supposed that was alright for the moment.

Sehun’s hands were filled with other objects Chan left in his house as he came outside and to the other side of the car. He looked at you for a moment through the open window with a bit of a smile, talking all the while to Chanyeol about how he’ll message him before you came as he placed all of Chanyeol’s items on the passenger seat. Chanyeol took to throwing some of them in the backseat haphazardly, exchanging one final joke before saying his goodbyes. Yet, before he left, he looked you straight in the eye and, cheekily, told you to invite Baekhyun as well.

“We haven’t seen him in a while. It’ll be fun, no?” His eyebrow moved up, engine running as he waved and said goodbye to a confused self and a slightly annoyed Sehun. He came over to you and scoffed, shaking his head.

“Baekhyun, huh?” You copied Chanyeol’s face, arms crossed once more with a little smile. Though you didn’t know why he’d want Baekhyun there, you didn’t press. It was better to let him say how they knew each other on his own time, though you walking away and saying goodnight sure hurried along the process. Or, at least, made him tug you into his arms for a slow kiss, nose bumping against yours as he did so. You both had ridiculously small smiles stretched across your lips, leaning to give each other more and more until you heard a slight knocking behind you. You turned your head just in time to see the curtains in your front window shifting and snorted.

Adjusting in your seat to look at Sehun properly, which dealt with loosening your seatbelt and folding your legs awakardly, you stared at his profile. With a small nudge from your foot, you caught his attention and his very quiet ‘what?’

Whispering back, you hummed, “so why did we invite Baekhyun?”

“Because Chanyeol asked,” Sehun responded very simply, shrugging like he didn’t know. You only clicked your tongue and shook your head.

“Not good enough.”

“Guess we’ll never know then,” he crooned, shrugging again with a coy look on his face. You only pouted, poking him once more with your foot before he lightly tapped it to tell you to stop. Your lips pushed out further, legs retracting into your body as you turned away.

Quietly, jokingly, you mused, “so mean.”

You only got a little smile in return, an airy chuckle filtering past his teeth.

The details of the night were quite blurry seeing as you didn’t really seem to look past Sehun. You were slightly on edge with the amount of new people you were meeting, most of them friends of Chanyeol’s and Sehun’s from a competition they entered long ago. They all seemed to be well acquainted and comfortable, arms slinging around each other or calling each other pet names. There was a particularly bubbly man whose smile stretched across his whole face and became brighter than any light. You made a point to talk to him when you were left alone for spare moment and found out his name was Jongdae. He was quite warm and you wondered briefly what colour you would paint him if you could.

Before long, you were ripped away from him but not before deciding he was the colour of a light sky. You only hopped just outside, hand taken in by Chanyeol’s very large one only for a moment. There was a gathering of everyone apparently and, from Chanyeol calling people over his shoulder as he pulled you through his apartment onto his patio, it was important. In the middle of the semicircle balcony, there was a small black tin with a fire coming from it. Sehun was focused on grilling a marshmallow, eyebrows furled together and lip pulled in. You found a little smile on your lips, released by Chanyeol and coming over to place a hand on his back as you stood beside him. He used to flinch when you did that. This time, he did not.

Your eyes didn’t meet, too focused on the low burning light rather than the clamour behind and in front of you as a few people came to grab their own marshmallows or just seats near the fire that Chan had haphazardly set up. Your hand ran a little streak up and down Sehun’s back as you came closer.

“Are you having fun?”

You saw him nod from the corner of your eye, shoulder now bumping against his upper arm. Both of your gazes were fixed on the orange light, the cool heat that rose and created small spires of smoke. Patterns formed in the fire and, if you stared hard enough, you could see your future inside of it. There was orange everywhere, apricot right in the middle where your heart lay. It caused your hand to fall from Sehun’s back and somehow find his fingers, holding on lightly so as to not make him feel obligated. Though, he tightened his grip and leaned his head down slightly to nudge yours.

You shifted slightly to face him only to be met with his lips on your forehead. His other hand had placed the marshmallow stick elsewhere, though you heard a light clatter on the floor. Yet, he came to pull you closer and his arms, slow and strong, wrapped around you. Yours came into place as well, elbows at his waist while your hands came just under his shoulder blades. He held you as if he was protecting you, and he breathed so steadily. Even his heart seemed to calm against your ear, matching with yours in an instant.

“Thank you,” he murmured, the light snapping of the wood burning next to you drowning out all other conversations for the time being. You didn’t say anything back, not having much to say. All you did was press further into him, hands sliding further up and eyes closing tighter.

Somehow it felt as if you’d cocooned each other, slowly and surely shutting down the fires that ran through your veins wildly. You’d shut off all routes and forced the wild horses back into their pens, pushing further and further back until all the remained of the fire was between your hearts. There it thrived blue and then white, bound to stay there no matter how many more roads were formed over time or how weathered its restraints got. This was its place, you both seemed to decide, since it couldn’t hurt anyone. Your body stopped sizzling and started living, chin lifting to look him in the eyes.

His lips pressed against yours to seal the promise, once and then twice and then he just looked at you. He brought his thumbs to your cheeks and gave the smallest smile but you saw it in his eyes- in the way they reflected the golden light so his eyes turned the colour of sweetened coffee.

“I’m happy,” he said so quietly, you would have lost it. For the first time, you didn’t struggle to say it as well and that meant the world to you.

“Me too.”

Somehow, food got passed around. Chanyeol was a fan of hot surfaces, seeing as he still had his makeshift fire going, his stove on inside, and was grilling food outside as well. Baekhyun had taken to managing the food inside, though he wasn’t very good at it. You supposed that was why someone named Yixing followed him. His laugh could be heard from the patio, and you thought it was very beautiful seeing a whole band of friends getting together. You hung around Chanyeol for the time being, seeing as he was alone and Jongdae was very, very preoccupied. Sehun was around as well but you couldn’t find him and mostly didn’t want to get lost in the large den Chan had for himself.

As you leaned on the railing, breathing in the partially fresh air beside the barbecue, Chanyeol spoke. He tried making it nonchalant but you knew it was nothing of the sort. Though, you didn’t particularly mind the concern.

“How are you liking tonight?” He was holding a long metal utensil, twirling it around as he closed the hood to stifle the smoke. You offered him a smile as you turned your head, shrugging lightly.

“It’s nice, I just don’t know anyone,” you decided. You’d much rather be home with Sehun, watching a stupid movie or letting him sleep or taking care of Kihyun and Inguk. You missed them quite a lot these days.

Chanyeol chuckled, “yeah, it’s like that. Sometimes we’re a little unapproachable. Next time, it’ll get better.”

You quirked up an eyebrow at that, turning to fully face him. Your elbows propped themselves up on the railing and you fixed him with a look, confused. “What do you mean?”

“They’re just not used to Sehun bringing girls is all,” he explained, lifting the hood and waving the cloud of smoke so he could turn the pieces of beef and chicken, “he doesn’t do this at all. Doesn’t really date and stuff so, you know. There’s reason to be cautious, I guess.”

“And are you?” The question came from your mouth in a rush, pressing the man by accident. You didn’t want to be disapproved by his best friend and somehow, it meant a lot to you to be accepted by his friends.

Chanyeol only shook his head, closing the hood again and grinning. “No, I’ve seen you two. I think you’ve got us all convinced, especially after that show in front of the fire.”

Your cheeks stung a bit and you forced out a little laugh, dropping your eyes to the floor. Chanyeol didn’t really seem to notice, though he did come to stand beside you and nudged you slightly with his elbow. He was being kind, you decided, liking him more with every passing moment. He seemed to be very good in his heart, where all his friends lay.

“Do me a favour will you?” He focused on the goings on inside, the kitchen and living room walls made of glass facing the patio and pressed his lips together for a moment, thinking. “Keep him smiling like that, will you? It’s a hard thing to ask but I haven’t seen him happy in a while.”

His black hat was still on, covering his forehead but his eyes were too bright to be sheltered. Ears sticking out to stretch his comfortable smile again, he focused on you for a moment, saying, “it’s not just you, I know that logically, but you’re a big part of it. I love him like he’s my family, you know. I just want him to be happy.”

“So do I,” you agreed, somehow signing a contract whose terms you’d written yourself long ago. It was only a matter of time before you’d locked his name to your heart, you decided. Today was as good a day as any.

Chanyeol seemed satisfied, small imprints forming on his cheeks and a hand came to the top of your head. He rubbed just slightly before going back to his barbecue. As he did so, he hummed, “then we’re more than good now too.”

You raised your eyebrows once again with the hood. As he clamped his utensil together once more with a silly grin, he gave you a wink through the smoke and said, “welcome to the family.”

There was a large sound of metal dropping from inside, followed by a cacophony of laughs mixed with complaints. It broke your eye contact with the man in front of you, eyes coming to find Sehun doubled over in laughter. His eyes were crescents, staring at the spilled mess in Chanyeol’s kitchen.

“Those asshats,” Chanyeol huffed, shaking his head. There wasn’t a trace of anger in his face though, here was just a small smile as he turned back to his food. A few of the boys as well as their partners came to help Baekhyun and Yixing while Sehun only placed his hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder and continued laughing. You could’ve sworn you heard him call the boy an idiot but there he went and hugged the shorter man. It gave you a little smile.

“So,” you hummed, taking your eyes from the mess. Minseok, who you believed was the shorter, catlike figure, came up to you three as well, taking your words before you could ask them.

“I can’t believe you invited Baekhyun, Yeol,” he started, a little laugh on his lips. His eyes were bright and his hair was dark and he was very warm, extending his hand to you for a proper handshake as Chanyeol shrugged.

“I’m Minseok by the way, we didn’t get a chance to say hi.”

You shook back, though it was uncomfortable for you as you said your name, though pushed the conversation forward with a small, “I didn’t know you guys even knew each other. I’ve known Baekhyun nearly all my life.”

Minseok raised his eyebrows, lips curled upwards and he looked between you two before saying, “then you have to know about the competition he entered. We were all in it for a month or so.”

You only blinked, not knowing what he was talking about. Chanyeol piped up, also seemingly surprised though he played it off well. His eyes were fixed on the grilling meat, new slabs on now.

“Baekhyun sings, right?” He waited for you to acknowledge that before continuing, the small metallic press of the hood down filling the air as you nodded. “We all entered a singers-dancers competition a long time ago when we were in high school. Sehun’s team won against Baekhyun’s because of the better overall vocals and dance, although Baek’s had some of the best on his team.”

“Are you kidding me?” you said before you could stop yourself, slightly in shock. Chanyeol nodded as Minseok turned to point out the people on the teams.

“It was Baek, Kyungsoo, me, Yixing, and two guys who aren’t here right now that lost,” he explained, showing you the men around who stood and talked. They all had drinks in their hands, seemingly at home with the other team members and their former opposition.

“You guys are still friends though?” The question slipped past your teeth without you realizing it, the whole connection seeming unclear. One month of a high school summer couldn’t be so entirely life changing.

Minseok’s pinky was used to point in the general direction of Sehun, who was running a hand through his hair as he talked to who you thought Kyungsoo was. “It was Sehun who suggested we meet afterwards. Said he really liked us since we lived together for that month. I think he got comfortable enough, especially with Chanyeol.

“If anything, it was them two that kept us together.” His smile was soft, looking inside at the gathering. He seemed just as sweet, though more careful with his words than Chanyeol was. He took is time and paced himself, he was calculated but for once, it didn’t throw you. In fact, it made you quite happy. You were learning as much of Sehun as you could in a good light and you were glad to hear it.

“We didn’t do anything,” Chanyeol hummed, looking at the sizzling heat beside you with a focus, “we just suggested it. You all came.”

Minseok only shrugged, though he mouthed some sort of ‘don’t listen to him’ and gave you a smile. Chanyeol didn’t notice it and, as you counted, you found three people missing. Minseok only mentioned two and you frowned.

“Where are the missing friends?” Your question was innocent enough but it seemed to make the two boys sad. Minseok looked at his shoes for a moment before turning his gaze outwards to the city and Chanyeol looked at his reflection in the black metal.

“They moved back to China after a while because of some family problems,” he offered, though you were sure you shouldn’t press. They were upset about it and you made sure to keep your mind from it. Quickly, you tried to find another topic, picking up the strings of another conversation for the sake of filling the air.

“And what team were you on?” You gave Chanyeol a small look from the side of your eye, catching him shrugging just slightly smugly.

“Winning team, of course.”

Minseok, breaking from his ice, proceeded to make a sly comment about how they cheated, to which Chanyeol feigned his offence and they bickered for a few moments. As they did so, you looked past them and found Sehun chatting with Baekhyun once more. He had laughs bubbling from his chest easily, happily at that and it filled you with some sort of comfort. If there was one sight you’d like to see more of, it would have to be him just like that- happy, smiling, laughing. In that moment, everything was painted gold and filmed in your mind just the same.

—————————————————

Cards were strewn across tables and board games were left unfinished. There were many little bottles that dotted Chanyeol’s living room table and his kitchen counters. The entire house seemed to be in perfect disarray, bothersome to no one and politely quiet. Chan took to leaving the two of you alone to clean, claiming he was going to take a shower and come right back. He’d fallen asleep, face down on his bed with his limbs splayed out by the time you went to check on him. He hadn’t even changed.

Sehun leaned against the door frame behind you, your hand still on the knob of the door. His quiet breath hit the back of your neck as he huffed a laugh, murmuring, “typical.”

With his head, he nodded for you to go and you followed his step, shutting the door quietly behind you. Padding down the small hallway that bled into the living room, you were just in Sehun’s long shadow. You walked in his steps, amused by the attempt until he flicked the light off and shot you a small grin. His lips were kind enough but his eyes were on fire tonight, happy and teasing. As he came to try and press your back to a wall, you proceeded to take tiny little steps to your right in an attempt to evade him.

As you escaped his first forward advance, holding back a little squeal as you ducked under his arm and dashed to somewhere in the living room where it was the darkest, you found a giggle building in your chest. It was so unfiltered and so unforced, taken away by the silence of the household and held in your body like some sort of sweetened candy. You continued to repress your laughter, though your lips stretched over your teeth and hooked around your ears as Sehun continued to chase you around.

He thought he cornered you in the kitchen but you only climbed onto a counter to jump past him and into the small foyer. You danced around your shoes and then around his arms, which nabbed at you and held you fast. A small dart of your tongue onto his skin made him loosen his grip for a moment and you escaped yet again, cackling in silence as he called out for you in bated whispers. You were out of breath when you found yourself in the darkest part of the apartment and then arms came around your front and held you to a body made to shelter you of all noise and sounds. You didn’t fight, leaning into his touch and chuckling.

His lips reached your ears, whispering lightly that he caught you. You hummed just as he pressed those lips to the skin below your ear and traced a small line down your neck. It took all there was in you to be silent, though the tilt of your neck for him to see and have more under his touch was enough for him to know. He kept on his small path, shifting the collar of your shirt down just for a moment to press where he wanted. His hands made their way further across your body, securing you to him until you turned to give into him.

There he was, so close to you. His mouth worked in ways that made you wonder how you ever let him stop, lifting on your toes to get further into him. Sehun made a slight sound from the back of his throat, low and curt but it was enough to get you both to start moving. You needed something, somewhere to sit and be- somewhere where the bare pressure of his chest could be felt against yours. You rushed and hit the tables along the way, kicking cans, laughing and shushing each other to be quiet until you hit the large sofa and tumbled forward onto it. His back hit the leather first, chest a cocoon for you to fall into and steady yourself.

He said your name in what could only be the thickness of lust. It dripped from his tongue like a sweet sugar you let fall in your mouth. You clung onto his shirt and then his shoulders when that was removed. He felt like he was made of marble and cinnamon just the same, a solid powder that moved at your touch, that begged for more. There was the pressure between your legs, the way his jeans tightened against themselves, there was his eyes. God, his eyes. Cinnamon, coffee, chocolate, and apricots. He was them all and he tasted of them on your lips.

Letting go of your inhibitions, you let his name past your lips just at the end, when your breath had escaped you and your mind went blank of all but him, And he was there. He came to press his lips to yours, to have your air shared, to look at you like you were made of the most amazing things in the world. He didn’t say it and neither did you. It wasn’t as if you had to at that point, hearts racing to come down and match each other again. No, there was no need. All you cared for was the smile on his lips as he lay beside you, inching closer and closer so he could see more of you.

Perhaps that was the first time you saw him and what he could do,, looking into his eyes to find the man who’d made you suddenly feel so wonderfully okay.

Sehun was ice, cool and hard but soft to touch. When a smile broke out on his face, he became sunshine. You imagined him as a pale spring morning, a chill just covering the warmth underneath. Once, you tried to paint him or, rather, the way he made you feel. It was impossible to understand, colours flying everywhere but none of them harsh. All of it became a horizon with a rising sun made of snow and strawberries and the smell of apricot. There was kindness at the heart of it, around the edges of his face and the curvature of his eyes. There was passion in his skin and the colours that stained it. There was home.

You made it when he wasn’t doing so well and when you felt him slipping from your familiar hands. You tried to contain him in a little canvas in hopes of him coming back to you. You even kept this painting in your room, far from anything that dared to harm it- far from the eyes of judgement that follow you and the fires of your own soul. You were scared he’d never be himself again. You were scared to consume him like you consumed yourself. Your insides burned when inspired, flames licking at the corpse that lay inside: the very same corpse that would become new when he touched you, when he spoke, when he smiled.

And yet, there he was again. You saw the crystals under his skin. You felt the purity of his breath on your skin. You touched the sunset within him and found that he was still in tact. He was whole. He was happy, and you were there to experience it with every new fact you found out and every new friend. You were there and what a privilege it was to be there.

You’d fallen asleep about an age ago and Sehun had been looking at you all the while. The way your eyelids fluttered like wings waiting to take flight made him wonder what you were dreaming. The colouring of your skin forced his hand across your cheek and down until it rested on your arm. You were lying on your side, mouth open the smallest crack and in this ridiculously shocked way- like a fish out of water. He lied across from you, head on another pillow because he knew how particular you were about people on yours. He watched your chest fall and rise and felt your breath on his collarbone. He watched you sleep like it was a movie he never wanted to end- something he’d never quite catch again. You’d never be this young and somehow he thought he might never be this in love, at least not in the same way.

Your arm was between your bodies, palm facing up and fingers curled just slightly inwards. He played with them, flattening them against the leather just to watch them curl again. He didn’t know how many times he’d done it, a silly little smile on his face, but somehow his hand ended up in your own. It was wrong of him to think so but he knew that you were supposed to feel safe holding his hand; somehow you were holding his and he’d never felt more protected. Under the shell of your fingers, he rested the hand that could’ve swallowed yours and tried to fall asleep again. He couldn’t, but lying there next to you was his favourite part of the whole summer.

The way the sun streamed in over the rolling hills and hit your face in that perfect orange that looked like his fading hair, the curtains that danced across the floor but never touched it when the wind blew, the feeling of your hair against his cheek: it all amounted to one thing. There was such a purity that came from loving you, one so hot it burned white into his soul. He didn’t know where it came from or how or why but it didn’t matter. He would let this flame take him if it meant he could have you.

Sehun wanted to laugh at the way he felt, to brush it off and make it nothing, but he couldn’t. It meant too much to him that he should sit there and see you sleep or hear your heartbeat. It meant too much to him to hear you laugh or watch you smile. It meant too much for him to know he was part of the reason you started feeling better and that he brought you out of your own hell and you did him.

With a quiet inhale, he came closer to you. His thumb found a little spot on your cheek to rub at and his lips came to your forehead and there was nothing to say, if only too much to say. He wondered if you knew how much he adored you from top to toe, in such a manner as he never had anyone before. Though, he supposed that, when you flickered your eyes open and focused to see him, you did.

“Good morning,” you whispered, voice broken and throat dry. Your cheeks bunched up as you smiled, eyes closing and arms coming for a stretch. It took all there was in Sehun not to just tell you then, profess it in all ways known to man and unknown as well. All he did was smile back and tuck a piece of hair behind your ear, murmuring ever so quietly:

“Good morning, y/n.”

A/N: Wah hello! I know I haven’t been active as much but here we are with the final piece of palette! I truly hope you enjoyed this part along with the series, it’s been such a pleasure writing it. Eventually, I will upload an epilogue seeing as there are a few scenes left unwritten but for now and for me, this will be it. Thank you so much for reading it and I hope to see all you exo-ls with my next exo fanfic.