#I think my mom is hoping that maybe when I start ADHD meds I’ll ���come to my senses”

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

I’m really starting to feel like Gregor Samsa now

[springsaladgaming]

Follower Milestone

Hey there, all! I recently passed 400 followers, so I thought it would be nice to gift you all some writing!

I had a particular short story that I wanted to gift when we got here, but I’m not entirely happy with it and want to rewrite it.

So, instead, I thought it would be fun to share the predecessor of Ninelives. For those of you who don’t already know, Ninelives was adapted from a short story that I wrote a decade ago for university. It is about a young man who is struggling with depression and, in a failed suicide attempt, learns a small thing about his parents that could potentially evolve into something explosive.

When I started writing this short story, I realized that I wanted to turn it into a novella. The main character would have met someone with a very Carpe Diem attitude and made the shift into a healthier headspace while dealing with his family problems. The overarching theme of the story was the way that little secrets add up. It was always my plan to go back to it once I was done with school, but then real life happened a little too hard (shitty job, pretty severe depression, and some family issues). I never touched it again.

My memory is pretty famously bad about certain things (due to I think ADHD and anxiety). But, of all the short stories that I wrote at uni, I remembered this one like the back of my hand. When I started writing Ninelives, I technically still didn’t touch the old story. I didn’t need to look back at it to remember the overall narrative. I just went at it. And then, a couple of weeks ago, I found the old external drive that I used to store all of my work on and dug up this short story once again.

I think you’ll find the similarities between this short story and Chapter 1 of Ninelives pretty quickly. Dad is kind of an asshole, Mom is pretty dismissive of the main character, and the brother seems to be the only one who cares. Ninelives is also carrying on the theme of secrets in a way. I was actually a little surprised by how similar the two still are, even though they are now different works with a decade of time between them.

This short story is a decade old, thus it hasn’t been edited or revised in the same amount of time, so read it with that in mind. Also, just to be on the safe side...

CONTENT WARNINGS: discussion of suicide, drug abuse/overdose, cigarette use, verbal abuse

And now, without further ado...

Jamie’s ass was beginning to stick to the porcelain tub, and it was getting to him.  As if that weren’t enough, the paper sign taped over his crotch created a pocket of hot air that made his dick stick to his leg. The sign read HOW’S THIS FOR AN EXIT, but Jamie wasn’t going anywhere, and that’s what bothered him most of all.  He’d downed his father’s bottle of blood pressure meds, but nothing was happening.  At least, nothing seemed to be happening, except that Jamie was now hot and sweaty.  He had no idea what ODing on blood pressure meds did, but he was pretty sure it wasn’t this.  He was even more sure that he wasn’t dying.

This would go down in history as the most anticlimactic suicide ever.

Ten minutes.  Twenty minutes.  Thirty.  An hour.  Jamie felt some discomfort—a little sick to his stomach, the porcelain pressing against his boney ass—that was it.  Now he was bored and naked, and someone would probably come looking for him soon.  Probably.

His brother, Graham, was the one who called up to him.  “Hey, Jammy,” he said.  “Dinner’s ready. Get down here.”

Jamie spent a good five minutes after that staring at the ceiling, which was covered in a layer of grime from years of shower steam.  Either that or the years during Jamie’s childhood when he’d come in here to smoke.  His parents had never looked for him here.  That hadn’t changed now that it was the spare bathroom instead of Graham and Jamie’s.

But Graham knew Jamie’s hiding spots and came looking for him.  Jamie heard Graham call for him in the hall for a few minutes, maybe less.  Then Graham knocked on the door.  “Jammers, dinner.  What are you doing in there?”

Jamie hadn’t locked the door.  That would have been too dramatic.  Now it was a mistake, and Graham walked in just as Jamie got out of the tub and crumpled up his suicide note.  The family always seemed to be catching Jamie with his pants down, just never quite so literally.

Graham didn’t seem surprised or the least bit embarrassed.  Jamie felt one of the two emotions, though he wasn’t sure which, and it wasn’t so much over his nakedness as it was the other circumstances.  Graham crossed his arms and said, “Taking a bath?”  He raised an eyebrow and cleared his throat.

“No, I wasn’t jacking off,” Jamie said.  “Just being here makes me limp.”  The fact that Jamie hated coming home wasn’t news to Graham.  Jamie thought that would be enough to end the conversation, but Graham’s eyes flashed to something behind him, and Jamie remembered he’d left the empty prescription bottle on the side of the tub.

“What were you doing, Jamie?” Graham asked.

Jamie grabbed the bottle and tossed it in the garbage along with his suicide note—or maybe it was better to call it his ex-suicide note.  It would be the only ex he’d ever had.  He grabbed a towel from the wall to cover himself and said, “Remind me to tell Dad that Mom’s been giving him placebos.”

“Jamie—”

“Gonna let me get dressed for dinner or what?” Jamie said.

Graham let Jamie pass but followed him down the hall to his old room.  Jamie packed clothes in his backpack instead of leaving some here like Graham did.  It took him a few seconds to get the shirt he was looking for.  He could feel Graham’s eyes on him.  He gave up on pulling out his nice pants and put on the jeans he’d worn earlier that day.  Graham was getting suspicious, Jamie knew.  But it didn’t matter why he was staring; it made Jamie self-conscious of just about everything under the sun.  He fumbled with the button on his pants for a good few minutes—almost broke the thing off—before he got it.  When he turned back to the door, Graham was still staring.

They made eye contact and Graham asked again.  “What were you doing?”

“Nothing,” Jamie said.  He tried to make his way downstairs, but Graham was blocking the door.  This time, he didn’t move.

“Jamie, you’re scaring me,” Graham said.

“Would it make you feel better if I said I knew they were placebos?”

“Did you?”

Jamie pushed his way past Graham.  Graham grabbed Jamie for a second and then let go, as if unsure what he was supposed to do once he had him.  Jamie didn’t have the answers either, wasn’t sure what he’d do if he their positions were reversed.  They would never be reversed, though.  Graham’s life was perfect; suicide wasn’t even an option for him.  He had no idea what it was like.  Maybe that’s why he was silent now.

Once they were seated around the dinner table, it was almost as if it never happened.  Their parents went on about their usual praise of Graham’s life, but not before ragging on Jamie about his.  “Dinner has been at seven sharp every Saturday for the last fifteen years,” Margery said.  “I don’t know why you can’t get that through your head.”

Jamie knew that.  That’s why he’d chosen the time he did.  “I lost track of time,” Jamie said.  He didn’t say more; they were going to tear him apart either way.

“It’s those work hours of his,” Hugh said.  “He has a different schedule every week.  If you’d get a real job, you wouldn’t have that problem.” Hugh didn’t look up from his plate as he cut his meat.  He always ate the meat first, but not before cutting it into perfect little cubes.

I have a real job, Jamie might’ve said, but they’d had this conversation before.  Hugh meant a salary job.  Flipping burgers didn’t count unless Jamie was making more than twenty an hour.

“Speaking of work,” Margery said, “How did your last settlement go, Graham?” Margery went for her veggies first.  She didn’t eat meat and only let Hugh at dinner, though Jamie suspected he snuck it during his lunch.

“It went well,” Graham said.  He’d barely touched his food, but Hugh looked up from his plate at that moment, and Graham dug in.

“You’re not usually so tight-lipped,” Hugh said.

Graham kept his eyes on his plate.  “It’s pretty easy to reach a settlement when the couple agrees on it before they even come to see me,” he said.

Graham was a divorce lawyer, carrying on the family tradition.  Sort of.  Their grandfather had been a judge and a prosecutor before that.  Hugh was also a prosecutor.  Graham’s decision to become a divorce lawyer had been met with a little resistance, but Hugh readily accepted it once Graham proved it made a lot of money.  Everyone’s getting divorced these days, Graham had said.  I’ll never be out of the job.

“That’s how prevalent your brother is, Jamie,” Hugh said.  “Divorcees go to see him even when they don’t need his help.”

Jamie kept his face in his plate and poked at his food with his fork.  What Hugh really meant was, “Why can’t you be successful like your brother?”  It was the same game every Saturday; that’s why Jamie hated coming here.  But it meant a free meal, even if Jamie had usually lost his appetite by the time he got it.  Besides, if he didn’t come, that would be just one more disappointment.

“Jamie will figure it out,” Graham said.  This was his way of taking Jamie’s side.  Usually.

“As soon as he figures how to pay his rent on time,” Hugh said.

Will you please stop talking about me like I’m not here, Jamie wanted to say.

“You’ve paid this month’s rent, I hope,” Hugh said.

“I paid it last month,” Jamie said.  He’d borrowed some money from Graham to do so with the promise of paying it back once he found a new roommate.  The last one packed up and left without a word.  Jamie's parents didn't know about the money, and he wasn't about to tell them now.

“You need to learn how to get ahead in all areas of your life, not just your bills,” Hugh said.

“Jamie,” Margery said, “get your chin off the table.”

Jamie felt like he was eleven again.

Jamie went outside for a smoke when dinner was over.  He didn’t smoke anymore, but he kept reserves for these occasions.  Few Saturdays passed without a cigarette.  He usually kept with the old ritual, smoked on the edge of the tub with the bathroom door closed and the window open.  After today, he avoided that bathroom., and not only because it embarrassed him.  Graham was like a hawk for the rest of the night.  He didn’t take his eyes off Jamie, even when they were cleaning the dishes.  He’d gone so far as to clean all the knives himself.  Jamie couldn’t lay a hand on them.

Graham was outside with Jamie, too, hovering over his shoulder like Hugh used to do when Jamie was a child.  “You still smoke,” Graham said.

“Only after I’m well-cooked by the parents,” Jamie said.

“Smoking will kill you, you know,” Graham said.  He shifted his stance.  “Why not just smoke two packs a day?”

“Because so far the only life goal I’ve met is not getting cancer.”

“We’re switching rooms tonight.”

“Why?”

Graham took Jamie’s cigarette and tossed it into the gravel.  “My room doesn’t have a lock,” Graham said.

“Oh, please,” Jamie said.  “I didn’t lock the bathroom door, did I?”

“Thank god for that.”

“What does it matter?” Jamie said.  “Dad will kill me when he finds that bottle in the trash anyway.”

“Let’s go inside,” Graham said.

“I didn’t get to finish my cigarette.”

“Inside, now,” Graham said.

Jamie didn’t have time to move before Graham corralled him inside with a hand on his shoulder.  When they came in, Margery was on the landing and Hugh was shouting at her from their bedroom.  To Margery, Jamie and Graham must have looked like two brothers who’d just shared a special moment.  It was some kind of special moment, but she didn’t pick up on the animosity and smiled down at them.

“What’s Dad shouting about?” Graham asked.

“He can’t find his medication,” Margery said.  “I’m sure he just misplaced it.  Wouldn’t be the first time.  I assume you two are leaving early tomorrow?”

Graham nodded.  “Actually, I’ve been talking to Jamie about moving in with him.”

“Oh?” Margery said.

Jamie echoed the oh so immediately that they almost said it at the same time.

“Yes,” Graham said.  His fingers dug in to Jamie’s shoulder.  “At least until he can find a new roommate.”

Margery smiled.  “Maybe you can help him get his life on track,” she said.

“Something like that,” Graham said, and he shook Jamie’s shoulder.

Graham was true to his word and made Jamie take his room.  He opened the doors wide and, instead of going to bed himself, sat and watched Jamie from across the hall.

“You have to drive in the morning,” Jamie said.

“You’ll drive,” Graham said.

“Not afraid I’ll crash the car?”

“No,” Graham said, “because then it would be a murder-suicide.”

“You’re not moving in with me,” Jamie said.

“Either I move in with you or I check you into a psyche ward on suicide watch.”

“The apartment is small.”

“Jamie, I lived in a smaller apartment through eight years of college,” Graham said.  “I’ll manage.”

“You’re really going to watch me sleep?” Jamie asked.

“Get used to it,” Graham said.  “From now on, I’ll have to watch you do a lot of things.”

In the morning, Graham was still watching.  The two of them drove back to Denver in Graham’s SUV, and Graham started moving some of his things into Jamie’s apartment later that day.

[firepiplup]

How do i say no to people

You know that analogy about people with adhd having spoons for energy management or whatever? My spoons are on backorder from like 2 months ago and more got on that list now

The problem is that all of the things I'm being asked to do are Very Important Things

I have to feed my diabetic cat. This in itself is not a problem, however she's needs to eat at a specific time (12 hour spacing) and my current sleeping situation along with work do not allow this to happen consistently. Currently trying for 7:30, we'll see how it goes

My apartment has bedbugs, and there's no way in fucking hell I'm sleeping on my living room floor until my scumlord landlord actually gets the guy to come back to spray because he did spray but I'm still seeing adults and i "need to give the spray time to work" it's been fucking 2 weeks i don't know how is supposed to work but i feel like after 2 weeks whatever spray you did isn't going to get any stronger i just want to sleep in my own bed it's been like this since fucking March

With that part explained, I'm sleeping at my mom's house on the other side of town. This in itself isn't much of a problem, however as "payment" i have to take care of her dog in the morning, to practice because she's going on a week long vacation in October and none of her dogs can just be taken care of like normal dogs. He needs to wear a diaper to leave the room while i pick up his shit and soiled weewee pad and mop the floor, give him some time to be out of his room, and then feed him his special food mix. The other dog has allergies and probably will get into something he shouldn't, then not use the bathroom outside even though he literally has a doggy door that has constant access to the backyard. Neither dog get along with each other, which is why they are separated. Thank fuck the cat is just normal, this is why i prefer them

Now with THAT explained, it's difficult to take care of my own cat on time in the morning. But as the legendary Billy Mays says: But wait, there's more!

I just got rehired at my job working in a local understaffed pizzeria. My friend, ego also works there, is on vacation (good for her, she deserves it, absolutely no negativity towards her) so i have acquired her hours. So i now work 6 days a week, kinda sorta clopen but i guess it's more of opelose. Or a combination of both? Idk. The point here is, I'm then dealing with essentially running half a restaurant alone 6 days a week, with it not being 7 purely because the owner himself ALSO has the same work schedule as far as I'm aware, and wanted to give himself a day off, and since we are so understaffed it would be impossible unless we literally closed. My tasks include answering the phone, washing dishes, making sandwiches, making dinners, folding pizza boxes, and cleaning the tables/equipment on that side of the restaurant. So essentially everything except making pizzas, cleaning the pizza area, mopping in general, and driving. We generally close at 9, 10 on Friday and Saturday. Guess who was explicitly rehired to close those days? Guess how that's going to work with me having to be home around 7:30 to take care of my own cat? I have no idea either. It's only for about 3 weeks, but my mom, whom i have not asked for any additional help with anything, won't feed the cat while i have work, even though there isn't a guarantee that i can leave on time to THEN RETURN to close, because again I'm the only one on that side of the building. I understand the fear of the bedbugs, so that's probably it, but it still fucking sucks because the kitchen is on the other side of the apartment from the bedroom and there is literally no reason to go there to feed her. But i get it

Did we get to where i can do my own ADLs? Of course not. My neighbor is in the hospital, and her husband is blind. This is a new development that was only discovered an hour before starting this post (about 3:30 am for me). She's ok, it's for mental health reasons, and that's her own business about that. Her husband being blind is not a new development however. And he needs help taking care of the pets, specifically the birds. Which is fine, they just also need to eat on their own schedule. 8am, around lunchtime, and 8pm. Guess who's still at work? One of the birds is special needs because her beak got injured and needs to be essentially spoon fed. Which the blind husband can't do at all. Fairly simple task, but just adding to my obligations that are Very Important because they involve making sure things don't starve to death while my neighbor is in Crisis

Ok let's see, that's 4 Very Important Tasks/Obligations, and only one was originally my own voluntary one. Still not at taking care of myself yet, but i have my shelter, i have my job ("part time" minimum wage, hurray. Part time because even with me being there 6 fucking days a week open to close it still isn't technically enough hours for the state to recognize it as full time), and I'm taking care of *counting* about 8 pets for the next week. Will unemployment give me my money that I've been claiming since March? No? Will they let me claim with my new working hours that makes that while process even harder? Technically but it'll take over an hour for it to process and it doesn't even do that in the end? Well fuck, guess i have to wait to get paid on the books in cash and beg for a hand written paystub and have my hours worked written down. Glad i earned $100 this week, i hope now that my hours have increased i get some more

Next on the list, appointments. Because I'm a dumbass who can't remember shit if it isn't consistently recurring, i overbooked myself for next week. My much needed therapy appointment with my therapist that I've only met once and is the replacement for my much better therapist that i actually had a relationship with is supposed to have a session with me on Tuesday. Will i remember to do it this time? Possibly since i actually remembered it's on Tuesday. Will she send me the reminder text with the zoom link? Probably not. Wednesday, my one day off, thank fuck for that, is the main problem with the scheduling. My med appointment is for 11:30. Cool, can do. Driving lesson at 12. Oh, that's a little close, but i can manage that probably. I only average 1 lesson per year and a half, so it's fine, it's "healthy" to be nervous about operating a death machine powered by explosions. Have to go to social services to pick up, or attempt to, a new food stamps card. They probably close at 5, and add a Non Driver, i need to rely on someone to take me. The sooner the better, but it can't be during the lesson. Don't forget to take care of the creatures before and during all of this.

Ok. Great. There's an hour before work. Time to shower, because it's so fucking hot I'll be sweating like crazy by the time i get around the corner to the pizzeria, with me literally getting out and dressed and then walking out the door. Glad i finally did still to take care of myself. Eating? I might have something i can heat up quickly while the cat eats and so i can take my own meds. Dishes? Those are going to have to wait, i hope the heat wave doesn't get too bad, but it's been like this for a while, still slowly chipping away at them. Sleep? Severe insomnia. I partially blame the bed, my mattress is so comfortable, i hope the bedbugs like it because i can't fucking use it right now. I'd be sleeping so fucking soundly if i were in my own bed, and yet here i am. Maybe i should take the Trazodone now. I just hope I'll wake up on time. Oh look I'm exhausted, can't afford to buy comparatively better prepared coffee from Dunkin, so i guess my shitty at home coffee is going to have to do. Black because i don't have any creamer or milk or lactose free milk in my house. Just the way i hate it. Gonna have to deal with that i guess, maybe I'll learn to like it

The coffee pot lives in my fridge now. I'm worried to put it with the other dishes because if it sits there, not being washed like everything else, then i won't even have the option of coffee. It's just water and ground up beans, I'm sure it's fine

Maybe i can find some kind of coping skill/hobby to help me through my limited me time. Let's see.... I like to crochet, and that helps me get through the dishes by letting me alternate between them and a row/round on one of my many started projects. What? It's in a giant garbage bag with a bedbug treatment stick because of the damn ass bedbugs? Can't open it for at least another week and even then there isn't a place to put the yarn safely? Well fuck. I found that really helpful with keeping me grounded. Umm, well looking online, i should *checks notes* buy new yarn in the meantime and keep it somewhere safe. Uh, well, i can't afford more yarn now and i have nowhere to put it. Videogames it is maybe? Oh fuck now I've hyper focused too long on pokemon, rhythm heaven, and whatever daily games i do, i think i have 5 of those of varying lengths of time spent on them

Did i remember to brush my teeth? No. Do i remember that i should and then when i get out of the shower so i forget to actually execute? Yes. Have i gone insane? Probably

How many spoons is a person supposed to have per day? It takes more for me just to get through the day in general. Why does everyone need me to do their Very Important Tasks? Why is there never anyone else? Can my neighbor just not buy more birds when she gets home from Crisis?

I just want to have good mental health, why is this so hard

[ricotyrell]

boo boo the fool day... whatever? also realizing this is gonna be so ugly on my blog I have been trying to search for one that I like and none of them really vibe with me. this one included. a long ramble post because it feels unfitting anywhere else right now.

i know it’s the mental issues and my mother. i want to get back to work. although i have not been taking care of myself that well lately because my new meds haven’t really been working that well with me and I feel like my symptoms could even be explained as more exaggerated as of the past 5 days.

I do feel pretty sad about the fact that the current medication isn’t working with me. I may ask for a dosage increase for maybe about a week or two just in case. I pretty much know I have adhd since I do not feel any highs from it, so it’s more of the matter of trying to figure out my way around it. It’s just sad that I just feel Nothing... I was hyper aware for the first week or two, and after that I realized maybe nothing is happening. And nothing is still happening. I may have had an emotional rollercoaster for a few weeks, but now that things have been more settled... Nothing. I’ve repeated myself too much here, but it’s really how I’ve felt about it. The problem is that if this doesn’t work, I have to swap to another medication. Said medication is going to be my final chance for medicated adhd under the healthcare system we have, soooo if this doesn’t work out, I will have to handle my own symptoms because I am not spending hundreds and hundreds when I don’t have a proper income. 

I may have read a lot about it, but i really do wish i was better at reaching out to someone to help me regulate my own life issues and work. I’m not necessarily asking for a romantic relationship, though. (I don’t think it’d be the worst as a bisexual person but...) I think a lot of people get the idea that I personally do not feel ready for one, or more so, I am very afraid of letting people know who I am due to my past experiences with friendships, and RSD on top of that. If the people I knew in highschool read this, because i know some of us still exist here on tumblr well, we were teenagers, soooo we were more likely to make insensitive comments and all. It happens. We’re only human. We were kids. It’s been like half a decade. I just had a lot of hurtful experiences and it is my place to regulate how I act as an adult because of them. I am glad I have people I can rely on today, too. I am continuing to be a better person despite my down time.

I also find myself helping a lot more people figure out adhd stuff with themselves since the pandemic has left a lot of people in one place a lot more, hence, more symptoms popping up. People coming to me telling me that they’ve had this struggle their entire lives, and me having to confirm that it is indeed, not normal to struggle with daily tasks like we do. But in the end, I’m not a doctor, I’m only someone who’s just read too many papers because all these resources for adhd are for kids, or they’re essays that no one wants to dive into. I cannot diagnose them, and I cannot lead them everywhere. There’s a boundary. I just hope that they will eventually help themselves and ultimately stop being harsh on themselves. 

As for my relationship with my mother, at this point, I do not think it will really get better. Talking about how she’s affected me my entire life just brings back memories of me being shamed for being awful to my mom. I am glad I no longer associate with those people.

i’ve also been going through some personal relationship problems even if some people aren’t aware and i decided to stop avoiding it today. the good thing is that i’m not as emotional about it as i was when the problem came up. the bad thing is that i don’t know how to express these things. I’m glad i got to talk about it with a friend and my therapist so i can probably just go back in my logs, and the other person will probably understand where i’m coming from. They’re an adult and I should at least expect them to listen.

overall i’ve had some fogginess over the past few days after getting out of my initial exhaustion. I am aware that i probably need a proper break/a way to treat myself but i find myself indecisive on what i want or what makes me happy. It’s hard to know when your mom basically criticizes every single thing you do, or actively makes it a bad thing. I realize a part of it is the sensitivity I have, but it’s very difficult when there’s an outside force making it worse. It’s still a problem after years of therapy and it bugs me. I know i’ll eventually figure it out but... yeah. it’s been a.... time. self learning, and reflecting. Relearning habits that should be in my life.

Spending a lot of time these days trying to be nicer to myself is good, but I do want to get back to working on commissions because it has been a few weeks. I want to finish cleaning my room. I want to figure out whether I should get furniture or a new tablet or a new pc.. There’s many things on my list, but first, I have to start feeding myself 3 times a day again.

this post has been long, and i am not going to proofread it. so whatever mess you see here that’s just the contents of my brain right now

[jordanrosenburg]

Big Mouth Season 3 - Very Much Still Important

Review of Season 2 and 1 , major spoilers ahead

Alright, I finished watching season 3 the other day, and I have to say bravo to the writers, because they always manage to leave us wanting more. What truly awaits these pre-teens this summer? I’m happy that they’re done with seventh grade, but will the next season be about summer vacation, or will we get to see them go right into eighth grade? There’s been news of a spin off about the world the hormone monsters live in, will that be what holds us over until season 4?

Right from the first episode, I knew it was going to be a good season. The show continues to have a good balance between what is happening to both girls and boys at this age. I remember being in the seventh grade, and second guessing every single fashion choice I made. I didn’t really have a figure until ninth grade, but there were other girls that were already blossoming, and I felt self-conscious. Was I pretty enough? Am I frumpy? Is my hair too frizzy?

This season did another great job of showing not only what boys are going through at this age, but also the girls. Because the boys can’t control themselves, and because no one tells them to, the girls are forced into an absurd dress code by this scum bag:

I think we have all had a Mr. Lizer in our lives at some point. The guy who comes off as nice and caring is really just misogynistic and creepy. He mutters under his breath about he hates the girls, especially Jessi. Not to mention that he made Lola think the foot rub was all on her. At 13 of course she would think, how would she know any better? What he did was disgusting and wrong, and I’m glad he got fired. 

I’m proud of the girls for taking their bodies back. It was brave of them to take a stand and show that the dress code was stupid. They may not have done it in the best way, but they still proved a point. 

Nick and Andrew are a topic I’d like to discuss. We’ve know since season 1 that these boys have been best friends for a long time. We also know that they’ve been growing apart since season 1. Andrew was the first to go through the hormonal change, and Nick was left to catch up. In season 2 Nick went through three different hormone monsters while trying to figure things out with a girl he liked. Andrew stayed hung up on Missy, and somehow got involved with Lola, which just messed up everything else for him. He slowly started to realize that he was becoming a lot like his father. This season Nick got obsessed with his phone, and even though Andrew made many attempts to talk and hang out, he realized that Nick really is just a douchebag. They had their seasonal fight, and instead of becoming friends again, Andrew expressed how he really felt. Nick stopped being there for him. I don’t think Andrew is in the right, but he did recognize that their friendship had become toxic, and enough was enough. 

The only time Nick was there for Andrew this season was when Andrew started to lust after his cousin. I’ll say it - that shit was messed up. I was grossed out that they went there, but this could be some real shit that boys go through, idk. And Nick kind of encouraged it and didn’t at the same time. The whole thing was weird. 

Nick was wrestling with the fact that Jay was basically living in his house. That’s a major change to go through. He also betrayed Andrew by kissing Missy, and then lying about it. Andrew doesn’t own Missy, and she can do whatever she wants, but neither one of them thought about how the kiss would hurt the people around them. And then when Nick realized he didn’t like her like, he just cast her aside. 

Missy went through a lot this season too. She finally got a hormone monstress.

Side note, did anyone else feel sad that Connie didn’t say bubble bath once this season? No one else? Okay, moving on. This new monstress pushes Missy out of her comfort zone. Missy is able to keep some of her boundaries, but something about acting in that play opened something up for her. I loved when her and Jay wrote the fan fiction together. I can’t remember when I first started reading fic, may have been in seventh or eighth grade, and I always thought it was weird thing for me to like. Then I had mentioned it to a friend in ninth grade, and she’s still my best friend ten years later! I was happy to see that Jay didn’t make Missy feel weird or ashamed. I wished we could’ve seen more of this new friendship. AND Missy was the one to get the uniforms disbanded by wearing her same old clothes. I hope she’s able to find a balance with her newfound self. 

And poor Jay, he is one of the funniest characters on this show. You never know what he’s going to say, but it’s usually obscene. I lost it when he said something like, “my balls are going to shit”. 

We get another close look at Jay’s home life. His family leaves him at home for spring break, and he tries to not let it bother him. He embraces Nick’s family, and becomes a better person by living with them. They discover that he has ADHD and just needed aderol. Unfortunately, Jay sells his medication to his friends, which makes him go back to the way he was. TAKE YOUR MEDS MY FRIENDS! Jay eventually goes back home, and shows what he can add to his family, and they finally accept him. Jay too also comes to terms with his sexuality, and discloses to everyone that he’s bisexual, and he’s okay with it. But no one takes him seriously. He has a heart to heart with the new girl Ali, who told everyone she was pansexual. I know Andrew Goldberg has apologized with how he went about this, but I’m just gonna say that Ali came on a little too strong. All sexualities and gender are valid, periodt. 

Jay also called out his friends for fetishizing the fact that it’s “hot” that Ali likes everyone, but it’s not as cool when he comes out as bisexual. He felt hurt and unvalidated. We see you Jay! 

Now it’s time for our girl Jessi. 

This girl CANNOT catch a fucking break. I was happy to see her figure her body out. That can be straight up awkward, and it can make you want to give up. I love how they showed it with a water rapid, good use of metaphor. And she has been such a good friend to Matthew, covering for him with Adrian. But who is there for Jessi? At one point it was her, Andrew, and Nick, and one of them said, “At least we have each other. Virgins til college”. At that age I can see how that might be a bad thing, but I know a lot of people who were virgins in college. They didn’t graduate that way, but they came in that way. That was the most I saw of the three of them really interact this season. It’s crazy that these last three seasons are all things that happened over the course of a school year. 

I need space to say, I am fucking done with Jessi’s mom. Jessi has been more than gracious with letting her mom become who she is. Shannon should be able to explore, and it’s okay that she got divorced, but she has not gone about anything in a good way, and now she’s just starting to be selfish. When Jessi hears her mother orgasm, is it hilarious for us as the audience, of course, but as a 13 year old girl, I would be so mad and mortified. Not only does Jessi have to deal with Shannon and Cantor Dina breaking up, but her dad has begun to see someone new, and now her mom wants to fucking move?! I would have been so pissed off. Again, Shannon should be able to live her life, but she has a young daughter. Couldn’t she wait to go to the city until Jessi is at least in high school? College? Why not let Greg move back in to live in the house with Jessi? 

Jessi comes to terms with it at the end of the season, and I think that’s really big of her. I’ll be sad if she ends up getting uprooted. That damn depression kitty needs to leave her alone too. Not one of her friends bothered to check on her about it either, and Nick and Andrew knew she was depressed! That shit doesn’t just go away. 

THE FAB FIVE

I was living, henny! I didn’t know which episode they would be in, but this was just amazing. I am so glad they all made voice cameos for this. JVN stole the show of course, and it was so funny to hear they all swear. When Bobby went off about how little the other guys do while he did a whole “fucking” room renovation??? HE WAS RIGHT AND HE SAID IT! And the bird noises Antoni made??? Incredible. Would have loved to see him shrieking into the microphone. I do think the funniest line was when JVN said, “the dumb ones pound the hardest, henny”. I fucking died. They really lightened the mood, and what a great redemption for coach Steve! I am so glad he got his job back. 

There are many other things to get into with this season, but what I’d like to end on is that the kids really grew up. People don’t stay friends forever. I had friends in middle school that I did not stay friends with in high school. Even high school I didn’t keep the same friends. Obviously we want to see these kids make things work, but I still think it was very grown up of Andrew to tell Nick he forgave him but didn’t want to be friends anymore. I think when we’re kids we stay friends with people, or keep ourselves in certain situations because we want to be around cool people. I’m very curious to see where this show takes us in season 4. They all went through a lot, and 7th grade really is the most awkward year of them all. So who knows, maybe 8th grade will be better. They’ll have had a whole year of new hormones under their belts. What do y’all think is in store for our friends next? 

[permian-tropos]

Hi! you said you only like particular types of Kylux, do you have any stories to recommend? How do you feel about gingerpilot, hux/rose (hose?) and hux/cardinal?

It’s actually been a few years since I shipped kylux. My absolute ultimate Star Wars OTP that has consumed 50% of my waking thoughts has been gallirae, which is such a teensy Imperial rarepair. Even with it being so teensy, just myself and some friends, I haven’t run out of ways to explore it. There’s so much untapped potential. I’ve shipped it for longer than I shipped kylux. Rae Sloane in particular succeeds at being the villainous archetype that a lot of people including myself had to work to transform Hux into. An ambitious, talented, career officer and underdog with reasons to passionately defend the system and other reasons to doubt or resent it. 

Back when I was more kylux-exclusive, once I got into the idea of creating my own content, I was very fixated on that and found other fic to be somewhat distracting. Also lately my attention span when it comes to reading fanfic has drastically improved. (Going back on ADHD meds has... been part of it). So back in the day, I noticed plenty of cool stories, including stuff friends of mine wrote, but struggled to read it. My impression of fandom was more the stuff that wound up on my tumblr dash. Plus I did a ton of RP. There’s probably a lot of really good kylux fic out there that I never got around to reading, also a lot of good kylux fic I read but forgot. I didn’t keep good records on AO3. I just now checked my bookmarks list for you and the kylux fics on there? I do not remember anything about them and I really did read them ages ago. I don’t even have enough links to fics my old fandom friends wrote. I really just wasn’t much of a content curator. 

I think my ideal kylux (The Fic I Never Truly Wrote) would be something with a truly sci-fi, fantasy, or paranormal plot. Something besides romance is going on, danger and intrigue especially coming from extraordinary sources. There’s a whole chunk of worldbuilding, intrigue, suspense or danger. Kind of action-adventure buddy-dramedy-ish (I said kylux isn’t like ineffable husbands in personality but that doesn’t mean they can’t be thrown into slightly alike plot circumstances).

That being said. There’s one kylux fic I still remember liking AND remembered enough identifying info to find it again on AO3 (there’s a couple of others that I just... FUCK... I can’t remember the author or fic name even though a lot of other stuff is really clear in my mind. Sorry. I was depressed and disorganized for the past few years). I’m not saying this one’s the best of everything I’ve read, or exactly what I might have been looking for. But I remember it. It’s quite old by sequel trilogy fandom standards. Also if it turns out to have been right about Palpatine possession being the endgame thing, that will be neat as heck.

Saint by @ofcorsetstrash​ lol I think I’ve told them once before that this is inexplicably one of my favorite fics (not that it’s inexplicable because it’s not good but that I read it very early on and it remained memorable with how huge the fandom got) it just resonated with me maybe I really liked the way it represented mental conversations with use of text formatting, that’s something I did in one of my first fanfics and it’s a very cool and vivid technique.

Also there’s these fics my best friend Mads @honeypothux wrote a while back: 

Seasons Greetings From the Solo-Organas -- a holiday comedy with a cool background element of a modern AU with Star Wars infused history (I’m a sucker for modern settings that are like what medieval fantasy is to medieval Europe -- very similar normal everyday life, very different geopolitics and history. It has the same intrigue for me as magic realism.) 

When the Crypt Door Creaks -- sadly unfinished but it’s young adult Kylo and Hux in a haunted Disney ride adventure. The Haunted Mansion itself. A lot of cool ideas, reminds me a teeny bit of a Henry Selick animated film. 

And the ones of mine I like:

Flashburn -- very very weird context for this one, fandom got obsessed with tentacle rape for a brief while and I found it squicky and started a fic to work through that squick by taking the idea seriously, but it’s not at all explicit, it’s about as implicit as you can get without actual ambiguity. Rated T but check the warnings. It’s more about Kylo and Hux discovering ways to not hate each other. 

Our Wicked Home -- maybe my favorite kylux fic I’ve written. Senator Hux returns to the abandoned Arkanis Academy as part of a truth and reconciliation, alongside his Jedi bodyguard Ben Solo. Hux doesn’t have a bad relationship with his family in this (and his parents were happily married), and it’s hard for him to cope with having nostalgia for a place where there was so much suffering.

Memory of Snow -- quiet alpine angst post-canon with hermit Kylo finding outcast Hux has tracked him down 

Moving on: 

How I feel about gingerpilot? Never really felt like my thing. 

Hux/Rose? I have never seen it called Hose that’s hilarious omfg. I didn’t passionately love it at first but my pal @tobermoriansass got me into it. I definitely don’t ship it in all possible configurations. Not as a cutesy sort of ship, definitely. Something raw and rotten and intense. I have a half-finished Hux/Rose fic that I wrote for a fic exchange. Still feel guilty about not completing it. But I kind of gave myself a writing injury trying to finish it, pushed myself too hard. I’ll come back to it when I’m ready. 

If you want a smut rec here’s a wild ride of a Finn/Rose/Hux weird alien psychic bond threesome 

Hux/Cardinal? I haven’t read Phasma yet, just had other people tell me about it. I’d kind of like to ship them as brothers. This is mostly because I don’t like canon Brendol Hux having no complexity in his relationship to his son. I think he was once an interesting character who could have been even more interesting and who can’t be interesting when he’s too repulsive to linger on for long. So having Cardinal and Armitage develop a strong brotherly bond adds to a complicated family backstory. Deep down I want to do a Fullmetal Alchemist AU for them where Cardinal is the disembodied suit of armor brother to Armitage the shrimpy irascible genius, though they’re far less heroic than the Elrics. 

Ummmmmm

I think that’s about it except that one major reason why I don’t read kylux is that I’m absolutely obsessed with my OC of his mom and I so vastly prefer the universe where she exists because she’s like a weird overpowered feral ocean witch. If only canon had invented her instead of me. 

OH ALSO I FORGOT THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTION ANON YOURE VERY LOVELY HOPE YOU ENJOY THE FICS I JUST GOT SO FOCUSED ON ANSWERING I FORGOT I WAS VERY HAPPY TO GET YOUR ASK LOL

[ducklover52]

On the close #WorldMentalHealthDay I wanna say how proud I am of my friends going to therapy and taking care of themselves.

Also how jealous I am.

warning: this is a very long/extremely personal post. if you don’t wanna get into it, basically, I’m proud of you for going, I’m proud of you for trying, I’m jealous of your strength, of finding a good fit and sticking it out to do so. I wish us all the strength we need to ask for help (we’re not weak, but I know that it feels that way, especially when you’re deep in it), the resources to make it work, and the success of finding someone/something that works for you.

I promise, you can stop here. goodnight.

No? Then strap in because this went on tangents I wasn’t even planning on and I’ll admit I even got lost along the way. I think I picked it back up at the end but oof, it took a minute to get there and that transition isn’t good. Okay here we go:

I saw a therapist a few times during my senior year of college. My ex had started seeing one earlier. I had gone with him a couple times and he helped convince me that it was time. I had lost my mom two years earlier. I thought it would help and he said it would.

His guy wouldn't see me/didn't have time to? I don't remember what exactly the issue was. He gave me a number. I called her and we set up an initial meeting, with my ex's help. I never had the "strength" to ask for help by myself. He came with me the first couple times, just to the appointment itself-not into our meeting. I stopped asking him to go with me after a couple weeks. I was over him. I didn’t want to see him at all in my life and I hated associating him with therapy.

I didn't like my therapist. I didn't think she really understood me. I told her about feeling rejected when I didn’t get cast in the last musical of my college career. She basically said oh well. I told her about the stress I was feeling to get my requirements done. She said make a list. I had a list; I’d been checking off my degree audit since freshman year. I didn’t feel any connection. I stopped wanting to share and started feeling judged. I had always been anxious about seeing her to begin with. I stopped seeing her January before I graduated. I had to miss an appointment to go to the regional theatre festival. I never called to reschedule. It wasn’t a good fit.

I met a guy at the festival. We fell fast and hard. We both had issues. He had someone to see/talk to about it. I didn’t. I remember being jealous of having a doctor who prescribed anti-anxiety meds. I also remember him needing substances to assist the meds, or replace them when he couldn’t get his prescription refilled. I didn’t envy that. When I had had enough of being ignored, as he lived 3hrs away and I was the only one willing to make the drive, I started seeing other guys.

Or rather, I started getting really drunk at parties. The “cast party” of my only time stage managing included getting really drunk at the student conductor’s apartment and playing strip spin the bottle. Sorority parties would lead to making out with a sister’s formal date or going home with a guy I’d known since freshman year. I’d talk with them for a week or so before making up shit about not wanting to date an underclassman since I was graduating. Once I actually started dating one of them, after bonding over our parents passing away. I decided he was too good for me, especially after I had gone to visit the theatre guy one night and the next day had to drive straight from Charleston to a Chipotle date and almost ran out of gas getting there. But that was right before finals, so the timing worked for me.

Before graduating, I started rehearsing for my first post-grad show. It was community theatre near my house, my best friends were in charge, and I was just happy to get a production credit and work with my friends. A friend in the cast started making friends and I followed suit. About a month in I was dating one of the leads.We spent almost every day together. We also drank together almost every night, but we were young and didn’t think anything of it. I thought this was it. I had always wanted a showmance and I got it. We talked about our feelings, about his ADHD, how he went to therapy every week. I thought I found someone else I could really connect to. I shared how I’d struggled with my self-image all my life, how I’d tried therapy but didn’t like it, how I wanted to try again but didn’t know where to start. I thought he could help. I thought he could save me.

But three months in and a party with my high school friends tore us apart. I still don’t really know what happened that night but it threw my into a whole new depression. It didn’t help that we had just agreed on a new show to audition for together. And of course we were both cast. And he started dating another cast member. I tried not to care but I was hurt and jealous. And he kept reaching out. He said we could be friends and I was desperate for attention. When I couldn’t see him I acted out by sleeping with a friend.

He acted upset but never really cared. He told me I needed to see and talk someone to help myself move forward in life. Then he’d stop for a day or so before coming back, usually while drinking. And she found out, though it’s not like I tried to hide it (hey girl, how’s it going) cause I was selfish. When she’d had enough she called it quits. I thought maybe we could go back to before. He stopped coming around. My heart was broken all over because their relationship ending didn’t mean ours would start again.

I had gotten on tinder while I was fooling around with him. During that time. I had matched with and started talking to my now bf. I don’t think he was really looking for anything then. We’d go through slow periods where I’d doubt myself and my worth if he didn’t reply. Eventually my bf ended up ghosting me. My ex had given me the contact info for a new therapist. I’d call the number and hang up before I stopped ringing. I’d visit the website and see how much I could do without giving them my info. I was nervous to start again. I didn’t know if I could trust these people, after they guy who showed me to them had given up on me. I never did get into contact with them. 

My bf came back into my life about 5 months later. But this time when we started talking we didn’t stop. We finally started dating. When I got moody, I tried to express how I felt and why. He did a good job of expressing his feelings and telling me how much he cared. I hadn’t experienced that in a while that I was feeling so good about us. During this time, my dad was dating someone. She and her two kids moved in over that summer. Shit got complicated. She and her kids destroyed my life. I leaned on my bf as much as I could, but we were long distance. My sister had just gotten engaged and she and her then fiance were doing some premarital counseling. She had had a lot of issues coming from my dad and his then fiance and it led to us all needing to go to a session.

During the one or two we attended, my sister tried to explain how we felt about our dad’s fiancee taking over. They’d ask me to chime in and I wouldn’t be able to speak for myself. I was scared. I was still living with my dad at the time and I couldn’t be honest about what I was feeling or experiencing. I was singled out during these sessions and asked about my mental health history and things I didn’t feel comfortable discussing with or in front of my family. I shut down. I was asked to find my own help or see someone else to discuss these things. And I couldn’t get the attention off me. At the time I felt picked on and judged. Like I did when I first talked to someone in college. I felt discouraged. I was scared.

Since then I’ve been kicked out of the house I grew up in, I’ve fought with my bf about the same topics I don’t even know how many times, and I’ve had a couple of the shittiest years to date, including things that I’m still not quite ready to discuss, even in anonymity on the internet. And through this all, and what I was eventually trying to make my way back to, I’ve known that I should probably be seeing someone. I have friends who are in therapy and I’m jealous. I want the relief that comes with sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone who’s job is to help you make sense of it all. But I’ve never found that. I don’t know what it’s like. I don’t know where to find it and I don’t know where to look. And now I’m off my dad’s insurance and couldn’t even afford it if I did.

I don’t know how to end this, except to again, praise those of you are seeking the help you need/want because good for you, you deserve it! We all do. If you’re not currently seeing a professional but you want to, I wish you nothing but success in finding someone you jive with because I know it’s not just a one and done situation. And to those of you like me who don’t know how to go from here, or how to reach out, or even what you want/need, I wish you clarity to figure it out and resources to try to make it work. I hope we all get what we need and deserve in the end.

[dredshirtroberts]

been a while since i posted a straight up under the cut thing but it’s almost 3am and i’ve been fighting some pretty bad thoughts for like....6 hours straight now so that’s a thing.

As I’m sure you’re all aware by now, I’m fucked financially. (paypal.me/dredshirtroberts if you wanna assist with that)

This has done me a terrible, mental health-wise. Does not help I’m rationing the last of my anti-depression meds until I can afford another month’s worth.

I’m dating again and I’ve hit it off well with a guy but now I’m getting nervous that I didn’t actually want to hit it off with anyone, and i’m gonna have to figure out an exit strategy.

My bills etc are stressful and I feel like I’m going to collapse.

My brain has given me a few options on how to fix the way it feels.

cry a lot (have not tried yet, not really wanting to just at this moment because it’s messy and makes my glasses gross)

get in my car and drive as far as the last of my gas in the tank will let me and then run from there into the wild blue yonder - forget my name and everything about myself, and either perish to the elements or end up that weird amnesiac in a small town in the middle of nowhere that no one really talks about much but it’s alright cause she’s relatively harmless.

eat. a lot. as I have minimal food I need to ration for a while, not a great plan so I’m avoiding it as much as possible but it’s been tricky.

(the one i want to talk about the least but i think acknowledging that this is where my brain is right now is a good??? thing) suicide.

Guess which one my brain’s been focused on for the past several hours that i’ve been trying desperately to avoid considering too seriously.

From here on out, it will be referred to as Option 4 in this post so I don’t have to say it again because I don’t want to.

Option 4 is generally easier for me to get around, especially in the past when I’ve felt shitty. Mostly because it would make a lot of people sad and if there’s one thing I hate, it’s making people upset. I try to remember that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and everything will work out in the end I just have to get through it. 

Losing a little bit of my optimism tonight, tbh. I just...don’t think I’m going to make this work. I’m going to have to let people know how much of an absolute fuck up I am, how terrible at doing anythign I truly end up being after a time. I have a lot on my shoulders, and I really and truly thought that leaving my abusive ex would get rid of that but i’ve become entirely too aware of how absolutely fucked my psyche is recently and I hate it.

I hate everythign about where I am right now, mentally, physically, emotionally and I just want everythign to stop.

Like I’m fantasizing about how great it would be if there were a serial killer in my area that decided to start with me. Or any kind of death situation. Option 4 is a broad one for me because I tend to start with thoughts like someone else being responsible for it all. Because then I won’t have messed up - again.

And then it gets worse. Thankfully haven’t done anything to hurt myself yet, and not exactly planning on it. But like...I’m really not fucking okay. nothing in my life right now is providing me any kind of reason to keep going. I don’t even care that I’ve got video games I haven’t finished, books I haven’t read, that I just started playing Pokemon Go, that my mom would cry. I don’t care because it doesn’t fucking matter. None of this matters and I’m stuck in this hellscape reality where I can’t function, nothing will ever work for me, and I can’t possibly survive.

so what’s the point?

I don’t know why I should continue living. I really honestly don’t. Clearly none of this is worth it. I just keep ramming my head into walls and failing at being anything close to a proper human being. I can’t...I just can’t. Full on basic white girl, I cannot right now.

Possibly ever.

Okay...might have figured out a working bandaid solution to keep me going until i can get my shit straight. I gotta keep working on my writing because that works for me. It’s fun, it keeps me out of my head. maybe I can find something that will allow me to keep up with that and make money so I can pay all my bills and stay in my aparment and ideally be able to afford groceries again at some point.

Option 4 is still technically on the table as far as my brain is concerned. I’m just hoping that I can keep it on the back burner while I work on some other possible options to keep myself going and functioning for just a little while longer.

...

I just have so much going on, thoughts wise and I can’t fucking...

i think i might be demi-romantic, i am bi but i like men better whic makes me feel like a fucking fake, i’m genderfluid and i don’t feel like i can ever express that because i don’t perform the changes and i present female more than not, regardless of current gender feels. i’m adhd which is good to know but honestly has just made my life hell and i can’t make it better. i’m depressed and i hate myself. 

I feel bad because i’m way more sexual than a lot of people i know and I feel like something’s wrong with me because of it. 

I’ve been considering trying to figure out how to get into SW but I don’t know how and it’s technically illegal and I just...

I want to not have to think. Ideal life would be me living on my own, with someone else paying the bills and doing the hard work. I go grocery shopping with an allowance. I do things I like without having to worry about being useful or profitable. Maybe I live with someone or someones and i’m taken care of because i’m so fucking tired of taking care of people and of myself. I’ve been doing this way too fucking long and i just don’t want to think. i don’t want to have to worry or be stressed about money or work or anything.

I just want to exist and be loved, and kept and safe. i want to be where I can have someone i lean on and care about without having to fucking commit to a single person because I fucking can’t. I can’t do just one person - it scares me for one, and for 2 i want to share and be shared. i can’t do one person.

Oh yeah, I’m totes poly, too and nothing in my entire world right now would support that ever being an option.

My choices right now are pretty much find a sugar-parent and hope for the best, or option 4 and like...pretty sure i’m not attractive enough for a sugar-baby situation. heh, maybe if i continue on the ‘I aint got money for food’ diet i’ll be sexy or something...

if anyone’s got tips on how to do any of the things listed above, lmk. honestly interested and do not give a fuck anymore because nothing matters and why the fuck not.

...

i’m all sorts of messed up and i’m sorry if you read all of this and like...i’m not looking for anything i just really needed some of these things out of my fucking head because i can’t anymore. I just can’t.

Someone come take over my life for me because i clearly can’t handle it...

[melloncollieme]

57 Facts!!

Thanks @siriussims for tagging me! I love these tags even though I’m not very interesting haha 

1. I’m 20 years old 2. I’m from Texas 3. I’m Mexican. Half technically, but I identify more with my Mexican half. 4. The other half is German. But I don’t even talk to that side of my family so  5. I’m in my third year at college. 6. I’m majoring in Psychology and English! English because I really want to be an author and Psych because I need something to fall back on. 7. I love writing!! I used to write all the time when I was a kid and even won a few contests. I’m a little rusty now though because I don’t really have the time for it. 8. I play the clarinet. I’ve been playing for about 10-ish years now. 9. I used to sing and play piano when I was a kid as well. But I stopped practicing and my voice is trash now that I’m all grown up, I guess.  10. I’m bisexual 11. I’ve never been in a serious relationship. 12. I have two dogs! Dogs are my favorite lol 13. I LOVE Harry Potter.  14. I’m in Ravenclaw ;) 15. I’m low key really competitive. 16. I used to be really into doing my makeup. Not so much anymore because I’m too lazy. But I would go to high school every day with a beat face idk how 17. I’m already running out of facts. When I was little I wanted to be a singer when I grew up. But again, I suck at it now.  18. I grew up with my grandparents. My mom has an autoimmune disease and couldn’t really work, so they took us in because they’re angels.  19. I still live with my mom and my grandma 20. I used to have pretty bad social anxiety for as long as i can remember. It’s gotten a lot better in the last couple of years though 21. I hate college.  22. I believe in ghosts.  23. I used to have sleep paralysis pretty often.  24. I was hella emo back in the day  25. I’m in a sorority. We’re a service sorority though so it’s probably not what you think lmao  26. I dress really weird. Idk how to explain it either, but I’ll ask my friends for their opinion on an outfit and they usually go “yeah that looks like something you’d wear” 27. But i haven’t been into fashion or anything at all lately. I just wear band tees and leggings these days. 28. I use to have a lot of friends on the internet back in my imvu days ahaha. Idk how to make friends here anymore though, I’m v awkward  29. I’ve been to Universal Orlando twice and I really want to go a third time when I graduate!! Harry Potter was my favorite part!!  30. I’m trying to teach myself to play the accordion!! I met this guy who told me if I learned how to play that I could be in his tejano band and you bet your ass I’m taking him up on that offer!! 31. I also curse too much. I don’t think I curse that much, but it’s gotten to be a lot for me tbh. I need to stop. 32. I’m pretty much an only child.  33. I’ve been playing sims since I was about 10 or 11.  34. I started playing because this boy I liked played it on his psp and I wanted to look cool. Little did I know it would be my favorite game and I would still play 10 years later 35. I used to make like a series with sims 2 and I posted the videos on youtube. They’re not up anymore lol, I checked.  36. I used to read a ridiculous amount!! I was that kid that would actually get in trouble for reading in class hahaha.  37. I have ADHD. Like really bad lmao, I can’t really function if I don’t take meds for it.  38. I’m 5 feet tall 39. I hate socks  40. My favorite band always goes back and forth between Smashing Pumpkins, Gorillaz, and Paramore. And mcr I guess, but they’re not really a thing anymore so 41. My hair has been pretty much every color you can think of.  42. I had braces for 3 years  43. I’m really good at writing essays for whatever reason 44. I’ve never been overseas. I’m going to London for New Years and I’m honestly so scared. Almost backed out because of the plane ride alone yikes.  45. I’m terrible at math!  46. I love crocs. Don’t come to for me, man they’re really comfortable 47. I’m sick rn and I feel like dying 48. I collect vinyl records! I only buy vintage ones I find at garage sales or thrift stores and like limited edition ones.  49. Sweaters are my favorite! That’s one of the only reasons why winter is my favorite season!  50. I don’t watch a lot of TV anymore. Youtube has pretty much replaced television for me 51. I used to drink Dr. Pepper like all day every day. But now I mostly just drink water and it sucks, but I guess it’s healthier.  52. But I can’t live without an energy drink or a cup of coffee or something in the morning 53. My favorite fruit is pineapple  54. My favorite food is enchiladas. Preferably made by my mom, but from a restaurant is good too, I guess 55. My first word was cheese  56. I recently started collecting patches 57. I don’t like pumpkin spice lattes! I’m sorry, I tried to like them, I order one like every year in the hopes that maybe I’ve changed, but I just can’t get behind it. 

Ugh I don’t think I could’ve done this if I wasn’t stuck at home with nothing to do. Ahahaha I’ll tag @galaxsims @abelsimblr and @scarlettxxsims Feel free to ignore this if you don’t want to do it 

[beaversatemygrandma]

Hmmm I was just given another option of how my year may go.  I Could always move up to NC for a while with my dad, where I’ll actually have somebody who will help me move forward and teach me how to be a real adult.  Coming out as transmasc will likely not happen tho, but at least i could be openly bi up there.  (read more bc im rambly thinking about this stuff)

Not to mention he’s willing to take like two days off, get me insurance, a license and a car right as i go up there. Like instantly. Instead of this argument with my mom about how i’m rushing to get my license (im fuckin 21 im not rushing, i Need one). Plus she says she’d be okay with me moving back in, but i’d be paying rent, and she doesn’t want me to yet. (apparently wants to remodel her bathroom first but idk what that has to do with me) Not to mention she’s wanting to bail on this state as soon as my sister graduates. Which is maybe in a year and a half?  So, if i do that, I might not be in FL for a long while (at least six months or so but if i like it there? maybe longer), but at least I’d have a car and be able to drive back as i please. I love long road trips, so that’s def not out of the option for the one of you wondering ;3 

It would be a good change of pace and after talking to the bf about it, he says it might be a good chance to move on and get to do what i want to do instead of just existing as i am. Which is a bit sad, but ik we weren’t going to be a forever thing. We’ve established that one a while ago. But heck, as of the end of may it would be my longest relationship at 2 yrs. I’d definitely still talk to him too.  i mean sure, i dont know anyone there bc i havent lived there since i was 7, but id at least have my dad, youngest sister, and grandma. It’s a solid idea and my dad even knows people working at NCU and i might be able to get in there and actually do college now that im not burnt out to extreme points.  Plus, he wouldn’t charge me rent. 

And not knowing people would give me a good chance to put myself out there again and not struggle with sifting through the friends i have in my mom’s town to avoid the relations to my ex. And maybe not be suffocated by being close to all the town’s stoners. Like i am now. Ish. I stopped talking to people and im starting to wonder if its even worth trying to go back to them because i might not have the friendship degeneration thing, but ik all of them do. (except like one and i will REGRET leaving them behind bc we still text like once a month and theyre so fuckin encouraging and sweet even if it is the much older stoner i hung out with back in the panera days) Besides, being with that group just led me into turning into a stoner myself and im breaking away from that one because holy hell that was a Ride start to finish. (my brain goes FAST again and its shocking like holy shit i can read still) A lot of regretful stuff happened, even if some of it was fun as hell, but not worth it in the long run if i want to be a functioning human being. 

Will i go up there and be one of those people on tinder looking for friends because they’re new to town? yeah probably. Will it work? I fucking hope so. I want to gather other like-minded people to hang out with so bad. Maybe some other nb people too. (and tbh maybe a gf because heck yeah) 

I’m liking this idea currently. It’d be a nice change of pace. Having a supportive parent around would also be a nice thing. And my little sister needs an influence from somewhere (even if the two of our ADHD issues goes berserk when together. I’ll do something impulsive, then she does and it’s usually worse bc she’s only 12 and Much Worse with focus even on meds.) And my dad supports meds, unlike my mom. So if i could get this adhd treated, things might just get easier too. (instead of self-medicating with things i shouldnt self-medicate with lol) 

Random unrelated thing, i actually ended up talking to my mom about the mental health screenings she got me as a child. Apparently 2 doctors said i was super hyperactive with adhd and another one said aspergers. So. I might have undiagnosed aspergers too. So that’s a thing. (no she never medicated me or went any further with testing. bc giving benzos to kids is bad which i can understand, but i didnt grow out of it like she thought i would and it causes me problems.) 

The only things im really worried about with going up there, is of course, leaving people behind, possibly having to take care of my extremely hyperactive sister who overwhelms me, and being in a big city.  Like Big City my dude. It’s Charlotte. I mean yeah sure, its where i was born, but i havent been in a big city since i was 7. Relearning how to drive during Their rush hour instead of the one here will be very overwhelming.  Perks though, would be real public transportation (they have trains and real buses, like holy shit), a parent who gives a shit, and the insane amount of decent paying job openings up there that wouldn’t be in a tourist trap where i’d get disrespected by rich white people all the time bc they think im stupid or smth. (no avoiding karens tho if i go back into customer service but if i can help it, im avoiding that) 

But i think just having a parent who encourages me and wants me to progress in life would be the biggest help. My mom seems to not want to see me getting ‘better than her’ bc the rest of the family looks down on her for not being successful (ig, i mean her sister’s a lawyer who stole my college fund to put her kids into private schools and accessed the will from my granddad way too early and all that shit when we’re the ones who needed that money bc we make less than 20k a year) but still, aren’t you supposed to be proud of your child if they’re going to potentially be in a better spot than you are?  Like my dad continues to remind me that i graduated with honors and a bunch of special stuff and how that isn’t common and how i have so much potential that i dont think i have and how i can actually qualify for a decent well paying job if i just go back to school. Plus, he’s got the connections to NCU. That’s a good school. I really wouldn’t mind actually getting some peace of mind for the future by getting what i need to done. And He’ll Help Me. (EDIT: It’s not NCU, it’s UNC. The Tar Heels. The blue one. In NC. Not Cali.) And he even knows how the world works a lot better than my mom seems to. He actually knows how to use those government help things and work around all the issues there instead of the blanant avoidance my mom has to it. (i havent had insurance since i was 17, like heck i need to go get myself checked out for A Lot of things and i cant afford to do that. She also doesn’t believe in credit cards. Real words she’s said. I shit you not.) 

i think i might do it. i dont see myself thriving back at my mom’s. she’d just keep me under her control and prob have me just at yet another standstill like ive been in since 2017. (fuckin pandemic really didnt help that. chose a bad year to get my shit together tbh because that didnt work, hell, neither did i lol)  Yeah sure, i got to move out and see what that’s like. Living on my own, working over 40 hours a week, seeing how poverty+ tastes... it tastes bad. I dont want to do that again. I learned some things. I’ve matured and have (mostly) processed what the actual fuck the trauma i got during high school was. (ahh the neo-nazi and the abusive jackass of a bf i had... hoooboy...)  Plus real seasons?? Sign me up. I miss seeing orange leaves in the fall and snow in the winter. And not suffering with daily 90+ degree weather. 

Even if i can’t (the transphobia is scary my guy) come out as transmasc, i’ll still likely get my hands on a binder and just go full gnc. More than i was before tbh. I’ve always been the ‘tomboy’ so it wouldn’t be so out of place doing that all of the sudden. Prob also going to cut my hair to have that fauxhawk that can be used in the most nb ways. It seems very nice and very versatile.  Might help the dysphoria that I’ve apparently had since 2015, likely longer. That’s just when i learned the word for it. Which has been Much Much worse lately due to the quarantine mane i still have going on. (mom wouldn’t help me just shave it off.... ;-;  Tho it is only shoulder length now with an undercut. Better, but still not good.) And the weight. Oh god and the weight. I miss my days of being flat as a board and having people unable to tell what i was. But nooo, i gotta be curvy. Doesn’t help that my mom makes me feel bad about it too. (thanks for the plus size clothes i got last xmas... im not that big. Damn.) Might also be the birth control... my body has more female hormones now than it knows what to do with. I could benefit from a break from it tbh. 

Also, who knew that if i stop self-medicating in a certain way, I’d get my will to live back? I sure wasn’t expecting it to hit so soon after quitting after hearing all the bs about how it was addictive and hard to quit (it’s not. At all. sure there’s a certain reliance your brain gets if you smoke for like four years straight all day everyday, i didn’t personally but it was a decent amount, but after like a day or two it’s gone. No headaches. No weird pain and mood swings. Whoever started the shit about it being so bad obviously never tried it. *glares at fuckin reagan and DARE and all the racial/criminal issues that come with it*) Though, I’ll still be happy that it’s getting legalized. (not fully in either of these states but still, it’s at least decriminalized in NC) It is a good thing in moderation, like giving a cat catnip. Just an extra plaything tossed into your enclosure sometimes so you don’t get bored and depressed. I haven’t done it in a good two weeks though and only really will if i end up hanging out with said stoner friends or to knock myself out if insomnia is kicking my ass, but that’s really it. I don’t want to anymore and that’s the end of that.  Not going back to embracing stoner culture like i did back in my apt and panera days tho. There’s some sketchy people who come around and its usually with drugs that actually are bad. (like that one tinder date who tried to bring coke into my apt and me and my roommate had to quickly shut him down. Never did hear from him again. Which is good. Not gonna associate with that shit that’s actually addictive and potentially dangerous.) Anyways, just glad im not too burnt out anymore to think and talk to people. This is definitely a step in the right direction. I think i could actually have a chance if i make the move this year. I definitely have enough savings to drop on the whole move and car and whatever else I’d need. (stimmies themselves pay for the car bc i never did spend them) 

Hopefully, this will end with me feeling good about myself for the first time ever and actually doing something with my life instead of sitting around depressed as hell. Could maybe be a real adult for once. Hell, I’m almost 22, i need to get onto this shit. My gap year may have been four years, but im getting there.  The positive influence from the bf and his family have been good for me and i think it was the kick i needed to get me started. The pandemic has given me a chance to breathe and process things. So, it hasn’t been all bad.  I just have to remember to pace myself so i don’t burn out again. It took way too long to recover from it. 

Side note: Holy fuck the covid case in NC are SO MUCH LESS than FL. Like less than half. Only about 1k vs like 6k a day. Another pro I guess. 

[pretty-volatile]

Sunday, January 10, 2021 4:19 am

I hate how often and how easy it is for me to change my mind to write or vent or journal. Sometimes its like I can think all the thoughts in my head but my hands or the process of typing is a barrier from my free flowing thoughts. I can’t keep up with how often it changes and how many typing errors I fucking make, which I kind of like typing on my phone because of the auto-spell or correct, I can just press the word I’m starting to type and I can just move on faster to keep up with my train of thought. I have so many head conversations either with myself, or with an imaginary therapist, or rehearse what I wish I could say to someone else about what’s going on or what happened or how I’m doing, but I never say anything because it’s too much and I feel like a bother. I can carry on and on and on about shit, but not a lot of people have time for that and sometimes I even tire myself out from all the thoughts and conversations I have in my head too. So it’s like if I’m this annoyed with myself, I can only imagine how others must feel trying to listen or read my rambles. So it just becomes screaming into the void either here or in my head and it’s really fucking lonely. But whatever I guess.

Um check in on like mental disorder(s)/symptom(s),,,,, OCD/intrusive thoughts/social anxiety/anxiety has been pretty yuck lately. Learned that the conversation flashbacks/loops that I get are intrusive thoughts which explain so much, I knew it must’ve been anxiety but now I know it’s my OCD with like a mix of social anxiety, so yay fml right? It makes me jolt. My head twitches. Feels like I’m getting punched/slapped in the face and like a fist around my heart/pressing into my chest/tightness in my chest. It’s usually accompanied by visuals of myself beating myself up. Like I’m the one doing it but also feeling it. It sucks. For bipolar stuffs,,,,,I have no fucking clue right now????? I have a horrible sleeping schedule as always. staying up too late, sleeping in too late, gets in the way of my everyday life. I can’t get enough of it, but it’s so hard to go to sleep and stay asleep and to feel well rested when I wake up!! Most essential if you don’t want me to wake up cranky or grumpy. I’m not suicidal so that’s good, but I am tired mentally and physically for sure. Work is just so fucking exhausting with holidays, good insiders/drivers leaving, training new hires, the fucking pandemic and being one of the few places that are open late and we were only pick up or delivery from the very beginning anyway so business for my boss has just taken off since last year. I really survive off of weed and cigs and my partner and the internet I guess. Should i maybe go on meds for adhd/ocd/bipolar? Yeah probably. Do I want to go back to the same people? I’m nervous. Do I want a brand new person to go to? Even MORE nervous. Like would I offend the other therapists/psychologists if I went to see someone new and had to request info from them? What if they don’t believe my diagnoses and I have to start from brick one? I’m still hurt that the both of them knew I was suicidal and didn’t check in on me when I wasn’t responding or scheduling new appointments. Unless they assumed I was going to go into a manic episode and figured I’d run off/disappear form them anyway?? I’m hoping it’s that and not that they didn’t actually care about me...but that’s also why I would be nervous to go back to the same psychologist. I definitely would want a new therapist if I ever went back just because I want to start new and give a more holistic view and now I know a little more what I need to work on. Kinda. Not really, but better than someone with no therapy experience at all at least. I mean I was seeing her for almost 3 years so...The psychiatrist I had only been seeing for almost a year, which makes me nervous to go back cause he probably just sees me as flaky. Can’t blame him if he did. So yeah I don’t know what kind of mood state I’m in, but I know I’m not in the extremes. Difficulty sleeping, sometimes irritable, executive dysfunction, intrusive thoughts, mentally/physically tired. meh. Like I’m not horrriiibbbllleeee but I’m not great either. I’m just getting by, which is about as much as I can ask for I guess. 

There’s one particular incident that happened with my step mom over me giving my lil sister info about LGBTQIA+ stuff and it got out of hand really fast. Looking back I can’t remember much what I said, but I realized I was very emotionally charged/intense/very sensitive and I kinda might’ve said some shit that hurt her feelings and she still hasn’t talked to me since. According to dad I just need to give her time to cool off, but this apology conversation for me feels like I’ll emotionally need a more in depth conversation because it sprung up a lot of triggers and I feel like I just need to talk to her and explain that while I know feelings aren’t facts and I did act out of hand, but they were caused by my certain perceptions be they skewed by my mental disorders or by not knowing the whole picture, I still felt hurt and here’s why I lashed out. Let’s address these things so I don’t do it again, hopefully. Some of it is related to blood vs not blood family, feeling like I was being inappropriate, that she shared with my lil sister that I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my past, it felt like she didn’t trust me or trust that I can be a good influence on my lil sister. It also felt like she was intimidated that my sister would come to me about that stuff rather than her. It felt like an attack on me, which made me last out. Which I’m sure she didn’t mean it, but I would like to think she’s someone I could hopefully address those things with and clear that stuff up. And to also show her why I was how I was in the past and how I’m different and have learned from those mistakes and why she should be able to trust me now. She’s been in my life since I was a small kiddo, but she hasn’t been a part of everything if that makes sense and because I feel like she didn’t have control over what was going on, she is kind of holding that over my head in the way that she reacts to me and kind of how she’s talking with my lil sister, so I want to nip that in the bud as soon as she’s ready to talk to me again and will let me re-explain and re-apologize (but about different stuff that is). 

Anygay I’m done typing for now. I’m tired, hungry, and wanna smoke so let’s just pretend this never happened. bye

[derryhawkins]

Growing Fame (4/??)

summary: A modern AU where the losers are semi-famous for different things, and when they all run into each other at a certain event, all of their fans go bat-shit crazy – wanting the seven to spend more time together. What they didn’t expect even more than that, though, was a well-known and mean journalist to write bad reviews on them all. Their growing fame could soon shrink, they quickly realized. warnings: swearing pairings: benverly; bichie; steddie; mike/oc a/n: I feel like this is short, sorry, but hope you enjoy anyway!

CH 1 | CH 2 | CH 3 | CH 4 | CH 5 coming soon

The Three Way Skype Call

“I’m a f-f-f-uh-fucking good big br-bruh-brother!”

Bill was furious, to put it simply. Not only was it notable in his re-appearing stutter, but as well as his body language and facial expression. Rightfully, so too. He was a good older brother to Georgie but the article pegged him as a young, irresponsible adult who drinks with his baby brother around. The other’s were pissed, too. They hated the fact that some well known journalist wrote false information about their little day at comic con.

“Of course you are, Big Bill, you’re the best! And what’s up with this guy’s name anyway?” Richie asked, frowning as he glared down at the phone he was holding in his hand. He moved closer to the computer where the group was doing a three way Skype call - him and Bev; Bill, Eddie, and Stan; Mike and Ben. It was easier than traveling to meet somewhere. “Penny Wise... More like Penis Wise you fucking dick. What is Penny short for anyway? I bet it’s Penis, I bet his parents named him penis because they didn’t have the heart to name him Dick. Guess it’s a good because then we’d-.”

“Beep beep, Richie,” Beverly and Bill talked in unison.

Richie shut his mouth abruptly and looked to the side at his roommate and then at the screen where he saw Bill. He set his phone down after exiting out of the article he pulled up to look at one last time and adjusted the glasses on his face. Usually he wore contacts, but he was being lazy for the day and he thankfully had no where too important to be until later tonight -- band practice. He leaned back in his chair and puffed out his cheeks while Eddie started talking.

“This is all bullshit,” Eddie repeated the phrase that has been said multiple times by each of them. “We haven’t done anything, why target us?”

Richie opened his mouth and once again started talking, leg bouncing and eyes roaming around. “Maybe he wants to kill us, I don’t know, he seems hateful enough to commit a murder or two. He’s fucking a joke -- a clown -- I bet he eats kids-.”

“Richie,” Bill stopped him once again, tone more stern. Beverly simply rested a hand on his knee to try and keep him from bouncing his leg so much; it didn’t work too well. The others quickly started talking again, but Richie’s phone dinging made him lean forward and read the message; Beverly did the same, just to be nosey.

from Big Bill: are you taking your ADHD meds still?

Beverly snatched the phone out of his hand before Richie could reply himself, and typed a message before sending it. Richie glared at her, but she just shrugged and stood up. She walked out of the room and the tall male watched for a second before looking at what she had sent.

to Big Bill: Ran out, not enough money to continue the prescription.

He rolled his eyes; of course she wasn’t going to let him lie about it. He ran out just after comic con weekend had ended, and because of the fact that the medicine is pretty expensive and that his parents stopped paying for it, he doesn’t exactly have enough money. Sure, he’s becoming and more famous, but Richie doesn’t have the right amount money for a constant pay of medicine every month of every year just yet. That might change soon, but not now. He might be taking Beverly’s offer for some money if the ADHD gets too bad.

from Big Bill: fuck, man, need some money?

to Big Bill: don’t worry about it to Big Bill: I’ll get them sometime soon

Richie locked his phone then and put it face down on the table. He looked at the part of the screen Bill was on and shrugged as he stared him down. Right then, Beverly came back and sat down again. This time with a Rubix Cube. She handed it to Richie, who gladly took it and started shifting it around in no specific order as he listened to the conversation.

“We need to speak out, or do something about this before it becomes too much to handle,” Mike said.

“We’re irresponsible college students in their eyes,” Stan said, “Getting them to listen will be like trying to get a shark to be friendly to it’s food.”

“Yeah, I doubt they’ll talk to the girl who sleeps around,” Beverly bitterly said.

“You’re not a slut,” Ben said, voice quiet but still able to be heard.

Richie side eyed Beverly with a small smirk as her cheeks tinged pink while she replied, “Thanks, Ben...” The young man smiled proudly and the redhead gave a smile back. Richie smirked to himself, knowing he was going to poke and prod Beverly about the tiny interaction later.

“I wanna say just wade it all out,” Eddie said, “but that could make things worse if none of us say anything.”

“Things could get worse if we do say anything, Eds.” Richie slouched in the chair and focused his eyes on the Rubix Cube in his hands. But still, that smirk played on his lips.

“That’s not my name.”

He shrugged. “Whatever, Eds.”

Richie looked up just in time to see Eddie make a face at the nickname. He chuckled and looked over at Bill, who sat two seats away from the short male with Stan in between them both. He wanted to keep his eyes on the two shorter boys to try and figure out why they were sitting so much closer together, but Richie’s eyes kept drifting over to his best friend. There wasn’t anything special about him, though. Bill’s hair was just a bit tussled from running his hands through it, stressed over the article, and he currently had a resting pissed off expression because of the situation at hand. The slightly taller male had on the regular clothes he wore. A baseball tee with jeans.

The curly, dark headed male made himself look away and frowned at himself as he tried to focus back on what everyone was saying. Richie, though, kept glancing to where Bill was on his computer screen. Fuck, it’s junior year all over again, he thought. Dammit. Richie flinched as Beverly’s hand whacked him on the shoulder. He snapped his head in her direction and gave her a glare until she handed him her phone. The notes app was opened; she had typed something down.

-istg if you don’t stop staring at him,,..

Richie rolled his eyes and typed something back before handing it back.

-I wasn’t staring, Bev, not like that

Beverly let out a soft scoff, clearly not taking the lie.

-uUUM you sit on a thrown of lies

-don’t fucking use Elf quotes on me

-admit you like Bill and I’ll stop

-go on a date with Ben and we’ll see about that

-l o l  f u c k  y o u

“What are you two keeping from us?” Mike asked suddenly. He was genuinely curious, but also seemed like he was hoping it was embarrassing so he could tease them.

It was then both friends realized the talking had stopped and the other five had been watching them pass the phone around a few times. The redhead girl and raven head boy glanced at one another. Beverly knew not to say anything, and so did Richie -- obviously, he didn’t need Bill knowing he was staring at him. Eventually, Richie answered.

“Just talking about great your mom was last night!” He grinned cheekily and started laughing once again as Beverly slapped him on the shoulder, groans of annoyance coming from the other boys.

“I th-thought you would grow out those jokes by now, Rich,” Bill complained.

“Big Bill, you know you shouldn’t expect so much of me!”

“God, I hate you,” he mumbled with a small laugh.

“Nah, you love me!” Richie leaned forward and rested his chin in the palm of his hand as his cheeky grin grew.

“I’m starting to think I don’t, actually.” Bill teased. His own cheeky smile formed and Riche feigned a hurt gasp. He sat up straight and clutched his heart, the others either laughing or smiling in amusement.

“You wound me, Big Bill.”

“Are you two done flirting?” Stan asked before Bill could say anything in reply. “We need to get this article thing under control.”

Richie and Bill both instantly went wide eyed, cheeks tainted pink and stiff postures. Bill slowlyIt  crossed his arms over his chest and looked around the room he was in, avoiding Eddie looking at him from around Stan and any of the others staring at him through Skype. Richie licked his lips and sat back normally as he picked up the Rubix cube that he had set down. He quickly started playing with it again. But not before glancing once again at Bill. He didn’t seem so tense or pissed anymore. 

Good, Richie thought, my little plan worked.

“This guy just had to be popular, huh?” Mike grumbled, stealing a chip from Ben’s plate of food. Ben instantly slapped Mike’s hand but the action did nothing; the taller male shrugged and tossed the chip in his mouth. “My notifications are blowing up more than usual!” He scrolled through his twitter notifs, frowning at the swarm of mentions about him and the others.

“Maybe we could do some digging and find some shit on the journalist,” Ben suggested. He scooted his plate of food father away from his best friend as his hand reached to grab another chip.

The Skype call had ended thirty minutes ago, all of them having thrown ideas on what to do for a solid hour before making up a plan for them all to meet up at Bill’s place since it was the biggest apartment. They would make a video together explaining everything, apologize for any ruckus they may have caused during the weekend, and then post it up on YouTube. It was a good idea. Whether it cause more drama was unknown to them.

“We don’t need to lower to Penis Wise’s antics,” Mike muttered with a roll of his eyes, gladly using the nickname Richie had come up with earlier.

Ben slouched but nodded, scrolling through the hellsite of tumblr dot com.  “You’re right, but, I don’t know -- I can’t let this go easily.”

“Because Beverly go called a slut?”

“Wha- No, that’s- Mike do not look at me like that!”

“You wrote a poem about her hair and put it on your Tumblr account.”

“I- fuck off,” he grumbled and slouched behind the computer screen, not bothering to try and lie. “Go flirt with that girl you met online.”

“Gladly.”

The two sat like that in Mike’s kitchen for a while longer. Mike on Twitter and muttering about how he hated the influx of notifications while stealing food off of Ben’s plate, getting a slap on the hand every time. Ben on his computer, going through Tumblr and giving the occasional laugh at a meme while trying to keep his food away from Mike and researching how Penis Wise actually got popular in the first place. Once in a while, Mike would blatantly tease Ben about his quickly growing crush on a certain redhead girl, which Ben retaliated with how Mike was crushing on a girl in Australia.

TEXT BETWEEN EDDIE AND BEV:

ok does Richie like Bill or what

do you like Stan or what

oh suddenly my mom is calling, gotta blast!!

heyheyhey kiss him! what could go wrong??

who said I wanted to kiss him? but seriously I do have to call my mom so I’ll text you later

fine fine ok [unsent] you boys and denying your feelings, istg first Richie now you

AUTHOR’S NOTE: ok I was gonna do some Steddie at the end but honest to god this is all I could write for this part so have Eddie denying his feelings for Stan to Bev over text instead. I’ll be sure to add Steddie next chapter! 

TAG LIST: @cupcakeatl @howellhxlic @anniewdoodles @kitaruhakiashi @thesubtextmachine @magickandmoons @allison0609 @i-t-s-y-a-b-o-i @multifandomimaginings @tobzier

[adhd-n-ib]

ib & grades anon follow up

so sorry this got super long! i know reading with ADHD can be hell so if it’s too much that’s understandable <3 please just let me know and i can rephrase or something.

so i’ve been struggling with various mental illnesses from a young age - i’ve gone on to do research about them in the past years and gradually learned what i was actually suffering from - i’ve never talked much about them though because of my social anxiety and stigmas i’m afraid of… people don’t always seem very accepting and sometimes show a little stigma about things which doesn’t make you so keen to share with them

i was pulled in by the ib coordinator for my school to talk about grades which were decent first semester but started going downhill second semester. during that meeting i explained why it had become more difficult for me to keep my grades up; she told me that i was gifted ( actually i guess i am, i was a member of a talent search in elementary for gifted youth but still ) and that it was because i didn’t know how to study because i never had to, but i went on to emphasize how it had been problems with attention and such lately. eventually they recommended i get ADHD testing as have multiple other people recently.

no follow up meetings have been made other than one short one for everyone after scheduling for next year where she and a guidance counselor said it may not be a good idea for me to do all of IB due to anxiety; i guess i kind of collapsed under all the pressure but i’d really like to follow through with ib because the program seems to actually be enjoyable and challenging and would help me get into a good college which is a big goal of mine.

a few months later my mom brought me to the doctor because she realized it seemed like i had adhd; there i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety by my family doctor ( SAD, GAD, possibly a few others oh boy ) that would warrant medication which my parents did not want me to use, things ive known about and researched for years but been afraid / uncomfortable bringing up due to misunderstanding. the doctor said she didn’t think it was adhd and we could talk again later but nothing’s really happened and local psychologists are booked. looking back i guess adhd might have been to blame for some of my problems and it’s actually kind of releiving, though of course i still have to wait and see for the official diagnosis if it comes, but the school year is ending soon and if i bomb summer school i’ll lose any chances i have at fixing grades this year if i haven’t already. i’m afraid things won’t get sorted out that soon with meds and dosages etc.

i dont know how much my parents, the coordinator and my teachers have been communicating this school year and even then if they’ll be understanding and accommodating for me. 

i’ve been hoping for straight As with a little buffer for possible EOC loss but it looks like i won’t be able to meet any of my grade goals at this rate. i’d be willing to do summer school and use up my study hall and lunch periods or anything to replace those grades if i could, though i’m not sure if i could handle it. im afraid the illnesses that have been holding me back for years won’t relent much and i’ll be stuck in a rut for the rest of my life. i don’t want to see my dreams of a high quality college and a good transcript disappear if i can help it.

thank you so much for this blog and being willing to take time to help! it’s hard to find those who understand AND are willing to listen and help <3

-------------------- 

hiya! thank u for sharing your story, you sound really motivated and thats fantastic! 

That being said, I think you need to realize that as a whole, going to a good college doesn’t solely rely on your transcript, and while it is absolutely an important part of what you want to achieve, sometimes its okay to step back and not put as much pressure on yourself! Having Straight A’s is fantastic, but its not mandatory for getting into a good college, especially when the classes you are taking are much more difficult than most. 

The thing is though, is that you sound like you genuinely enjoy the courses, which is the most important thing, so rather than not doing it maybe think about taking an alternative approach to these classes. If you can, talk to your parents and figure out exactly how much they've been talking to your teachers/coordinator, and then you may want to inquire about having a meeting with all three to really get it figured out. What you’re doing now doesn’t seem to be working in your favor, and while re-trying it in summer school may help a bit, not making a single change to whats happening isn’t going to help out as much as you might hope, so really sitting down and working out a plan is probably your best bet!

So yea, i think that will probably help!!!! Also its no problem!! thats what we made the blog for :D 

[mydaughterisaheroinaddict-blog]

This is Mom - Thursday August 9 A very bad day...

FOUR = “FITS OF UNCONTROLLABLE RAGE”

I logon to work around 7:30 to check e-mail and we leave for the Dr’s office around 9:30.  I hear he’s often late (from reading online reviews) so I bring my laptop.  I might have to work in the lobby while Kate’s being seen.

It’s a short 20 minute drive and we arrive.  The place is a dump.  There is a dirty woman waiting outside his locked office.  She is clearly high.  She’s loud and she speaks to us.  I’m trying not to panic.  I’m trying to stay calm.  I tell myself, all this doctor has to do is give her an ADHD test.  We’ll get a confirmed diagnosis, she’ll be prescribed enough medication for me to ‘buy time’ to find her a better doctor.   

He sees her an hour late.  The FOUR is back.  Kate starts threatening to leave after waiting about 45 minutes.  She’s jumping out of her skin, I can see it.

He calls us back.  There is a long tear in the carpet on the way to his office.  He’s not in his office.  Instead, there is a small cell phone propped up on a laptop.  It’s a ‘Skype’ session.  The cell phone is blinking ‘low power’ and there is no charge cord in site. I’m trying hard to stay calm.

He asks Kate how long she’s suffered from addiction and she tells him about 10 years.  He immediately diagnoses her with bi-polar depression (less than 3 minutes in the office).  He isn’t listening at all.  He is talking.  He asks her why she relapses.  She mechanically replies - because she isn’t ‘working a program’.  Kate is freaking out.  She wants the medicine used for ADHD.  FOUR is now completely unleashed.  She’s only able to remain in his office for 10 minutes.  She runs out.  I stay.  

The phone is blinking ‘low battery’.  Calls are coming in during the Skype session and I click ‘ignore’ over and over.   I will myself to stay calm.  I will myself to listen.  I tell him the phone is about to die.  I track down his assistant to get the power cord and plug the phone back in.   

On a scale of 1 to 10, his ‘bedside manner’ is a negative 5. He tells me the following...  Kate must be put back on Suboxone (similar to Methadone) that very day. Suboxone is a legal opiate.  If not - she will relapse.  Kate may suffer from adult ADHD, but the likelihood she has bi-polar depression is 97%.  I asked him how he could tell after 1 minute and he responded with the same statistic.  I have a scientific mindset, that reasoning worked for me.  And... I’m desperate.  

He continued to tell me that addiction, ADHD and Bi-Polar depression was an extremely deadly combination.  He was, frankly, surprised that she was still alive.  I broke down then and started to cry.  He didn’t notice.

He said she needed to be hospitalized.  He said that the likelihood of recovery after 10 years of drug abuse was very low.  He recommended I locate nearby hospitals to take her to in case of emergency.  He named them, but I couldn’t grasp it.  It was just too much information too fast. My mind was stuck on ‘I can’t believe she isn’t dead’. 

Kate stormed in and out of the room, demanding that I leave throughout the appointment.  He didn’t seem to notice.

He prescribed bi-polar medication - 2 pills plus one for sleep.  He said one pill could be used in case of emergency.  He said that he never personally prescribed suboxone, but because she was in a life-threatening emergency, he would drive to the office and observe her for 3 hours while she took it.  The cost would be $400.  I could tell he didn’t want this option.  He wanted me to find a different doctor to prescribe the Suboxone.  

In the end, he spent nearly an hour with me in that dingy room on that tiny cell phone.  I think he may know his ‘stuff’.  I hope he does.  But, he’s lost all compassion.  Maybe it’s a hazard of the profession.  

I left his office with the prescriptions for bi-polar.  My copay for the visit was $40.  The office only took cash - which I didn’t have.  I told the receptionist to text me the number for billing and I would handle it.  She agreed.  We left and  Kate was in a full blown rage.  She calmed down a bit when I told her we were going to get her Suboxone.

God came to the rescue.  We only made 3 phone calls and found a Suboxone “doctor”.  He could see her the next day at 8:00 am. .  He said bring cash - $170 exact change only. He said I couldn’t come into the clinic - only Kate.  I was desperate and agreed.  We made the appointment.  Kate said 2 times she couldn’t make it until tomorrow.  But she seemed a bit calmer.  

Next, we set off to the pharmacy to fill her prescriptions for bi-polar. 

We arrived at the pharmacy and learned that the Psychiatrists office had only sent 2 of the 3 prescriptions.  I phoned them, but they didn’t pick up.  The pharmacist also told us that the 2 prescriptions I had were already filled 7 days earlier.  I told him that was impossible, as we had just left the Drs Office.  He checked his records and couldn’t find evidence that they had been filled.   We left after an hour with the two prescriptions.  Cost was a $35 copay.  I told Kate we would come back later to get the third.  She was crawling out of her skin at this point.  

We arrived at home in full blown FOUR.  She said she NEEDED THE ‘EMERGENCY PILL AND SHE NEEDED IT NOW.  I gave it to her.  I walked upstairs 2 minutes later to find her huffing dusting spray for keyboards.  I took it away from her and started to cry.  She was getting sleepy.  I couldn’t tell if it was from the “emergency pill” or the full can of  inhalant.  She sleeps the rest of the day and all through the night.

I call my husband in a panic.  I go through the garage and put every spray can in a cooler and lock it in the pickup.  I’m freaking out. 

His mother is in the hospital.  He’s gone to visit her after work.  I feel like a terrible daughter in law.  I haven’t gone to see her.  I haven’t supported my husband since this all started.  Guilt.  Exhaustion.   

I call the Dr’s Office and pay the $40.  They then call in the ‘missing’ prescription and I drive back to the pharmacy to fill it.  I pay another $15.  I get home and try to wake Kate to take her meds.  She can’t wake up.  She tells me later that she took them sometime in the night.    

I logon to my computer and try to work.  It’s 3:00 in the afternoon, not the 12:00 I told my boss.  I have to prepare for a trip the following week, but I’m too exhausted to think.   Instead, I do some administrative tasks and take phone calls.   I’m falling behind at work.  I’ll need to work the weekend to catch up. 

[laholcevita-blog]

Good Job, today too

Today (18/12/17) one of the idol i grew up with passed away and become one of the stars. I never thought to see this day writing this and completely in synch with the thoughts he had.

This year has been extremely hard for me, getting into Uni in the first place was the start of the whirlwind of my self destruction. It was hard knowing how much potential i had, my passion and thirst for knowledge is being slowed down by no one but myself, like any other beings like it was a creature that lives, my fears and hopelessnew grew. To quote president snow from my favorite trilogy Hunger Games " Hope is the only thing stronger than fear " and i only have the later, because the former vanished along with my beliefs of everything.

It began when i suffered so much through first semester of Uni, when i couldn't handle the fact that i got a C i was shaking, i made my parents disappointed again i killed my parents expectation, at first it was just a simple breakdown, then later it grows next semester i realise i can not go through with the way i am going through, slacking off assignment last minute, coming late, i took full 22 credits that semester and of course i suffered even harder, i got a D in philosophy, no biggie i said as i took my breath completely shaking to the core, mom and dad doesn't have to know, i could retake the course and everything will be dandy again! But it doesn't stop there next semester i got 2 D i was completely shaking even harder because i didn't expect that result at all, couldn't forget that breakdown i had i called uut wanted to get to her home but i abandoned that plan because i don't wanna burden her even more. I realise that day theres something wrong with me, my mood and anxiety was at the worst point ever that year it push me into finding out what was wrong with me. I thought i had bipolar lol and silly me talked about it to one of my psychology major friend, she was right that day dismissing my concern, it wasn't the right diagnosis i would call because one day i found out about adhd and everything just click. In 2014 I've discovered something new about myself, it's a help that knowing it's not entirely my mistake, i met someone on internet, lovely Shannon, she has helped me in a way that no else has. I didn't talk to anyone about it because i knew there's nothing they can do about it, i planned to meet a psychiatrist but i didn't have money back then and i said to myself you can go through this! It helps that i realise that i am not just a quirky girl next door, my carelessness my inability to focus isn't completely my fault and i wasn't in entire control.

In late 2015 and 2016 me and shannon was no longer in contact, fine i can deal it on my own, i got into seventeen and meet the awesome person and lady that Kitty is. I'll explain more about it later, but 2016 was one of the worst year for me, i took care my disorder more as i began to realise everything wrong with me, i was hard on myself, i failed school i failed my parents as they like to point out and at the same time that year I was proud for getting 5 As in seven course i took, but that's the only light it began downright downhill from there, i took time off the internet because it made my mental health even worse and from there i began to talk to kitty more in other platform, always Thankful for knowing her. That year i took my internship program everything was stressful, i finally realise such work environment doesn't suit me, it was also the time i started working on my thesis title, my restlessnese and overwhelming feelings began to come in full force it took me two months to get the first chapter to finalise, i hated myself immensely, everything was awful that finally i seek a psychiatrist help it was pricy but i had some money, i thought i have to help myself this is the answer but of course reality punch me in full force the psychiatrist know nothing about my struggle he understand nothing it made physically broken, no one could help me. I asked for recommendations still i want to try medications i was scared, I didn't wanna depend on stimulant i don't wanna be a junkie, but I've hit rock bottom i thought nothing to lose maybe meds would help me.

It took some time and bravery for me to see another psychiatrist, it was hard, but itvwas even harder when he simply declares i have anxiety disorder i guess it makes sense in a way theres young woman having a breakdown in the hospital, admitting no one can understand them but his diagnosis made me even crazier he prescribed me anxiety meds, clobazam, to which i took in fear because it was also prescribed for ppl with manics, i told my concern with another break down, he didn't take it well of course and still sure about his diagnosis. From there i was just devastated completely and resigning in hopelessness. No one could understand me no one could fucking help me. I took the meds though but i know i don't have anxiety disorder, my anxiety level is off the chart i realise its just not enough to be classified into one.

Few months of procastination overwhelmed me on thesis just made the situation several degree more worse. Everything is all i don't wanna be a liar, a manipulative loser and ultimately someone who's not even worth a living. I lay on bed all day all night feeling like the biggest disappointment and waste of air, my parents couldn't be more wrong. It's difficult for me to even begin explaining the concept to somone who raise and birthed me, it's even more difficult when i tried to open up to my relatives and they didn't take me seriously, it's next to impossible when i just made the professor i look up and admired to, the person who think i had so much potential but i kept letting him down every single time. Reality was so hard that sometimes I'd rather i never woke up from a dream, which i rarely had because it all just blank dark and cold like my life. The tears pouring down were competing with the rain outside.

Kitty who takes no bullshit came as the support system i never knew i have, i met ben too early that year, 2017 is actually the year i took the matters in my own hand because i can not keep be like this. But every step ahead i took equivalent of several step back, my meeting with the old psychiatrist of course went shit but i don't give a fuck anymore, i steal money from my parents, i saved them from my freelance work so i can afford the meeting to begin with. I lied and makes excuses so i can get the time to make an appointment i am a filthy liar

The meds however turn out like nothing I expected, it gave me extreme nausea, it makes me hungry zoned out but I'm still the clutterheaded brain that i am it's like all of my dream of some kind of knight in shining armor vanished, there was never a one quick solution, all it left is one cold reality. It was the fool of me who expect something that is never the truth of life that no one can save me but myself. Even after my silly theatric of another breakdown i had in the cousin house because i have no money to afford another meeting, not even after they broke my trust and told my parents who of course treat me like a fucking freak. Another cousin who fucking belittles me that i was being stupid that all my concerns are faux i don't have energy to argue, none, all my wills are gone by that moment that it became easier to just lie and nod agreeing to all her comments

Each day my parents worries and anger grew into explosion just like my self worth, i began to hurt myself self harming it felt good and scary at the same time when i did, good because i deserve it i'm a fuckin piece of disappointment afterall, scary because deep down i don't want to die but i honest to god wants to end the pain i felt, i began to actively look for a way to end myself with the painless way as possible thats, it just hurt deeply the pain i felt is so intense that if i dont live in the house my parents own maybe i would cry for days its why the day jonghyun suicide news came out i couldn't stop crying i know exactly how he came into that conclusion, and every time i read into everything about it i just broke down, third day and the pain still raw i don't know if i could be at peace with the constant war i have, i know i have my good days i am a positive thinking person by nature i like to think the world would be at its definite beauty someday but when that bad comes it just hard i woke up feeling like there's no purpose in living, someday maybe i would update this blog and be able to write that i am Happy that i won my own war, and when that day comes i have to give myself a pat on my back, good job today too