#I think it's because my mom always accused me of faking everything unless I could prove it 🤪

[sermna]

Why does it feel humiliating to go the doctor for something and have all your tests come back normal? Like that should be good news, brain

[echo-of-sounds]

i don’t know

Okay, I don’t know where else to put this, so you can ignore it if you want, but I just need to get some thoughts, feelings, and anxieties out before I breakdown because of them. This’ll probably get long. And I’ll probably cry from frustration while writing this.

Two summers ago, when I was 21, my therapist said it was a possibility that I had Asperger's, mainly because of the social and cognitive symptoms. I have a horrible time understanding abstract information. In school, I cold never do a project unless I had concrete details. I just couldn’t grasp what they were asking of me. Teachers would narrow it down a bit, but it never helped. I need a clear outline. I legitimately could not do it otherwise. I froze and panicked and ended up nearly failing projects because of the lack of concrete direction.

I have a hard time understanding, what should be, simple sentences. I ask people to reword what they said or explain it in more depth. Some do. Some get angry and accuse me of not paying proper attention. I completely am. But I genuinely cannot make sense of their words and feel left out because they refuse to repeat themselves. It’s so frustrating. I loose track of the conversation, stop contributing, then they get angry again because I’m not responding to them.

My memory pertaining to certain things, is beyond amazing. I can recite the seating arrangements from all of my high school class. That was five years ago. But outside of that, it’s terrible (I know ADHD plays a role in this too). I always focus on the smaller details even if they weren’t important. I focused so much on them, I failed to see the larger picture. This also impacted so much of my schoolwork.

When I talk, I have no inflection. My voice is low and I often mumble. So many people have gotten angry at me for it. Then when I try to speak louder, to the point I’m genuinely strain myself and feel like I’m yelling, they still say I’m too quite. So I give up talking.

I had to go to speech therapy when I was younger (around 5 and 6 years old) because I still had trouble learning how to speak. My mom said I wouldn’t properly pronounce anything, use words wrong, and ‘babble’ a lot.

I’m so fucking clumsy. I bruise myself regularly because I just run into everything, even though they’ve been in the same place for years. I hit my hands off of things, nearly run into walls, and kick things often. 

And my sensitivities are off the charts. It’s honestly ridiculous (I know ADHD also plays a role in this, but sometimes I feel like it’s much more than that). People tell me to stop being a picky eater when the smell of fish makes me want to vomit and feeling beans in my mouth is just plain wrong. The only smell I can tolerate is vanilla. Anything else and I want to cry. Clothing is horrible. I’m so rarely comfortable. And noises are the worst. My dad says it’s quite, but I can hear the Tv, the Tv in the other room, the sink running, that beeping, the AC going, someone clicking, the sizzling on the stove, and it’s all too much. 

When I was younger, I used to have temper tantrums. A lot. They were bad. I’d hit myself, scratch myself with pens, and bang my head off the floor. I barely remember them, but I do remember it being more than just a ‘temper tantrum.’ The world was just too much and I didn’t know how to handle it, so I had a meltdown.

The severe self-harm eventually stopped, but the meltdown’s still happen to this day. My mom tries to get me to talk about it so she can help. But I can’t even explain why it happened half the time. It just did. 

I’ve had so few close friends throughout my life. The ones I do make, don’t last. It’s hard for me to keep them as a friend. They don’t do anything wrong or bad. I just can never keep that connection. I barely interact with people. Even when they’re around, I just don’t talk. I abhor looking people in the eyes. It makes me uncomfortable and I don’t even know why! People get angry at me. They think I’m ignoring them when I’m not. I’m just not looking directly at them.

Communicating my feelings and expressing empathy is something I just cannot do. So I fake it. I feel worse about not feeling bad about someone’s trouble than I do actually feeling bad for them (I don’t know if that makes sense). I fake it so I don’t sound rude. I don’t want them to be angry at me.

I’d get in trouble at school when I did something ‘wrong,’ but I didn’t understand what I did wrong. I still don’t to some point. Teachers just told me I broke a rule and was in trouble. When I would ask why, they said I should be able to know that by myself. But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I thought about it.

I have a morning routine. I do it daily. If it ever gets interrupted, stopped, or I can’t complete it for whatever reason, my entire day is off. I try to continue normally, but I can’t focus. I just now my morning was messed up and I spend the rest of the day obsessing over it. It doesn’t go away until the next day when I can complete it properly. 

I’ve always had hyperfocuses. ADHD affects this. I know. Some come and go, like a certain video game will consume my life or I’m suddenly preoccupied with writing poems for a week. But those go away. All my life, I’ve loved reading and learning about dinosaurs/megafauna/evolution, plants, and psychology. They’re easy for me to learn about. I retain so much information without trying. I never had to study for my psych. exams. Never. And I always aced them. I just obsessed about the subject and they remained in my memory so well.

As for stimming, I’ve done a lot of different things throughout my life, but I was always told to stop, told they were annoying, or questioned about them. So I stopped doing each one because I was scared people would get angry with me. Because some have. 

I used to rub my fingers together. It kept my hands busy, but it also helped me focus and relieved some anxious energy. I didn’t know why. It just made me feel better. I’d be on the computer, using the mouse with my right hand, rubbing my fingers together with my left. My dad questioned why I did it. I didn’t have an answer so I did it less. I did it in school, while taking a test, and the teacher told me to stop because it was disruptive. I eventually stopped doing it all together because people would constantly make me feel bad for it.

I also used to babble. It was one of the reasons I was sent to speech therapy. Instead of helping me learn how to talk properly, because I did need help with that, the workers there just forced me to stop babbling/humming/repeating a word because it wasn’t proper behavior for the situation I was in. 

Though I don’t babble anymore, as that was basically forced out of my behavior, I still hum and repeat lines (whether from a Tv show or a book) to myself, sometimes for days at a time. I also move my head and neck around and twist my wrists while I’m focusing on something. Half the time, I don’t realize I’m doing it. It takes another person to point it out.

My therapists said it was a possibility that I had Asperger’s. My psychiatrist said she didn’t believe so because I was able to connect with her. She felt I didn’t ‘align’ with the social troubles. I can talk to her, share feelings, look her in the eye, smile ate jokes (though sometimes I fake smile- I see another person smile so I match it), and I don’t have trouble going off topic and rambling about specific subjects.

I said okay at the time. She’s a smart woman and I trust her. But ever since, it’s been on my mind. I’ve always felt different. I don’t mean that in like ‘I’m special’ kind of way. I mean it like, ‘There’s something wrong with me and I don’t understand what it is. I don’t understand why others can do X while that takes me longer/more effort to understand. I genuinely felt ostracized. But I just accepted it.’

I don’t know how to bring it up to my mom and/or dad. I know my mom will be supportive, but I’m scared about other people. My younger brother makes jokes about autism. My siblings, dad, and stepmom don’t do anything. It pisses me off to no end. I’ve yelled and sworn at him for what he says. But he keeps doing it. My other siblings say it’s just a joke and I need to relax, but I can’t. They aren’t jokes. They’re rude, ableist, and most of them are making fun of things I do. He, nor none of family, just don’t that because I keep them hidden.

And I don’t know how to bring it back up to my psychiatrist. I feel connected to many of the symptoms and like it explains so much of my life, especially when I was young, but I don’t know how to explain all my thoughts on the subject. When she asks me a question, I often freeze and undercut my own troubles and downplay it. I’ve been obsessing over this the past few months. It’s partly why my depression got bad for a time. I don’t know it I’m making a mountain out of a mole or if I should actually seek professional help to help me, especially since I’ve applied for disability benefits because my mental health has been so bad the past couple of years.

Anyway, I’m done my ranting. Thanks for listening if you did. And I’m open to advice. I’ve just felt so stuck recently and I feel like it’ll only get worse.

[ubernoxa]

The Token: A Guns N’ Roses Fanfiction

Chapter 14: Royaly Screwed

Story Summary: Story inspired by the movie She’s the Man. A female Duff is tired of dealing with the bullshit of trying to make it on the strip as a female bassist. Did Michelle think it through as she chopped her hair? Nope. All she knew was that she wanted to make it on the strip. If she had to mascarade as a guy, so it shall be.

Chapter Summary: Michelle’s (Duff’s) dinner with her roommates and Walter’s dad doesn’t go as smoothly as she hopes when she find out why Walter’s father is back in town

(Masterlist)

Taglist: @littlemisscare-all @smokeandmirrorz @aratbaby @slashscowboyboots @queen-crue @achiweyow @bitter-13-suite @white-lightning-625

AN: Sorry for the delay with all of my fics, this is defiantly a couple months overdue ❤️

I took a couple minutes to calm my breathing as I stared into the bathroom mirror. I barely recognized the figure before me. It was Michelle’s reflection that stared back at me. The brown haired wig concealed Duff’s blonde hair, and the dress was more pop than hard rock. Duff was hidden away behind the mask of Michelle, it was no longer the other way around.

Betsy’s threat of exposing me as Duff still felt heavy on my head. Everything, she could destroy everything. All it took was a couple words and I would be done, finished. No band would ever want me as their bassist, just due to my reputation.

I got this.

Everything is going to be okay.

Betsy is all bark and no bite.

You will be okay.

I continued mumbling these phrases over and over again until I calmed my breath down. I still had one card I had yet to show, Henry. Henry who worked with Walter’s father. Henry who worked in the music industry.

I glanced at myself one last time in the mirror before heading back to the table with my new plan in place.

Halion were the Kings of the strip, but Walter’s father worked for the record company that ran it. He was my greatest weapon and I needed him on my side.

I felt Nyx’s eyes on me when I returned to my table. I simply ignored him, and took another sip of the wine Walter’s father had ordered. Let him and whoever was watching watch. As any good performer would, I was going to give them a show. As if Betsy’s threat had turned on some switch, I began to play her wicked game.

“So tell me Michelle, how is the coffee shop these days?” I almost choked on my wine at Walter’s father’s question.

“My cousin came back, and my uncle gave her my job. She was going to school for business, and she recently graduated which means she gets my position,” the lie rolled off my tongue.

I offered Henry a smile as he placed his arm around me to comfort me.

Walter simply sent me a glare as I took another sip of my wine. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was actually fired because I got into a bloody fight at work or that I was leaning into Henry’s touch. I felt a little guilt for playing with his friend’s emotions, but that quickly evaporated. I was doing this for Guns N’ Roses, and if I broke some hearts on the way, let it be. Mine had already been ripped to shreds.

“That’s a shame, have you thought about suing?” I couldn’t hide the shock that crossed my face at Walter’s father’s words. Of course he would think of suing! He probably dealt with lawyers every day.

“Well I should add that I was the worst baker. I burned half of the cherry danishes I cooked. My uncle had moved me to coffee and customer only duty a few months back, so I figured it was only a matter of time...before I was let go,” I shrugged again, indulging in my half lie.

“Those cherry danishes, even the ones you overcooked were still pretty good. I remember visiting you one time at work, but you couldn’t talk because you were too busy dealing with an almost riot!” Macy added causing the table to erupt in giggles. I sent her a thankful glance for taking the attention off of me, even if it was only for a couple of seconds.

“Oh a riot of 70 year old retirees and rich middle aged entitled soccer moms? Now that’s a sight I would love to see,” Henry leaned in closer as he spoke and I couldn’t help in indulging with everyone else’s laughter that erupted at our table.

“Hey you laugh, but those old ladies have canes and they hurt!” I joked back.

“Do you need anything? Any refills?” I looked up at the waiter who was eyeing my wineglass and turned towards Walter’s father.

“You don’t need to ask Michelle,” Walter’s father sent me a warm smile as I asked.

“Yes please then,” I sounded like a giggly school girl only earning a small chuckle from Henry.

“Just don’t start dancing on tables,” I blushed at Henry’s whispered words as the memory of me dancing on the dining room table drunk on vodka flashed through my head. That was what? Two years ago?

“Come on, from what I recall you enjoyed the show,” I teased back.

“I did, but if I remember you had your eyes on someone else at the time,” my heart sunk as he hinted at my ex-boyfriend, Nyx. The same Nyx that was currently staring me down from another table.

“Well, tell me, who do I have my eyes on now?”

He sent a cocky smirk my way before taking off his suit coat. “Here, you seemed a bit cold.”

I sent him a confused glance before taking another sip of my wine. I was not cold at all? Had my completion given me away.

“Nyx had been undressing you despite having some whore on his lap, please put the coat on.” His words were more of a command this time.

I wanted to splash my wine in Henry’s face for what he was saying. Duff would have done that for calling Betsy a whore even though she threatened to expose me. Betsy and I were children of sunset strip and he had no right to insult her. Even if she was acting like a whore.

Actually, no, Duff would have done worse. Duff would have punched him in the face. But I wasn’t Duff right now, I was Michelle. Michelle wasn’t aggressive...anymore.

“Are you two okay?” I looked over at Macy as she spoke, without a doubt she recognized my uncomfortableness.

“Yes, Shelly is just being stubborn. She is cold and doesn’t want to take my jacket I'm offering her because she doesn’t want me to get cold,” he replied to Macy who clearly didn’t buy his story at all. It was rather unsettling how easy the lie rolled off of his tongue.

“Fine,” I let out a fake giggle before taking his jacket and putting it on. I didn’t miss the look Henry gave Macy when he looked over towards Nyx earning an understanding nod from Betsy.

“Ok, that smells amazing! Please tell me that that’s our food!” I asked as the air filled with the smell of roasted vegetables.

“Well I did order you fajitas for us to share, so that might be it,” Henry smiled back earning a soft smile from me. This smile was actually genuine, fajitas were always my favorite.

To my relief, Henry was right. The waiters began to place our dishes in front of us and I quickly thanked him before digging in. I couldn’t remember the last time I ate this good.

I remained focused on my dinner, only offering small talk every couple of minutes before our conversation was interrupted by a small squeal.

My face went hot when I looked over to see Nyx had ‘accidently’ ripped some of Besty’s blouse, momentarily exposing one of her breasts. I felt a tug on my heart as I watched her playfully slap Nyx. Was this my fault? Was Betsy acting like this because Nyx promised Pyxie a slot to perform on their up and coming tour?

I remained focused on my dinner as Walter’s father mumbled some choice words under his breath. Guilt flooded my bones before I could stop it. She was acting like a whore because I left her no other options. She was doing what she had to do to make it on Sunset Strip.

“Are you okay?” I looked up to see Walter’s father staring me down as he spoke.

“Yeah, just uhh…”

“Do you know her?” I nodded at Walter’s father’s words.

“I used to be in a band with her, Pyxie,” I added hoping he would look too much into my saddened tone.

“Used to be?”

“I left. The rock scene wasn’t my thing. The music was good, but the people weren’t tolerable,” I paused talking before I looked over at Beth and Nyx, “Exhibit A.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

As Walter’s father continued to talk, I became lost in my thoughts. Was I ever that wild? No, I reassured myself. Despite the rumors, I always had some

minor control over my situation when I was drunk. I guess that is part of the reason Nyx and I broke up.

“Yeah and I could show Shelly around!” My head snapped back into the conversation at the sound of my name. The nickname only Izzy was supposed to use.

“Show me around?” I asked, intrigued to see what they were talking about.

“Yeah, the music studio! Sadly I won’t be able to show you around first thing tomorrow morning because the three of us will be talking to the local bars to see about any rising stars to replace Halion. Would the afternoon work? Say 4ish?” I nodded feeling a pit grow in my stomach.

Turns out I had similar plans as Walter, Henry, and Walter’s father. Axl and I were also going to talk to local bars to get gigs. Maybe I could reschedule? I immediately shot down that idea. Axl wasn’t one to be tolerable when it came to changing plans on him, and he would most likely accuse me of not being devoted to the band. Slash and Izzy would understand, but Axl didn’t know.

Unless I told Axl that I was secretly Duff who is a girl and not a guy. Yeah, Axl totally wouldn’t overreact to that. I almost laughed at the idea of telling Axl that I was masquerading as Duff. Saying he would freak out was an understatement.

“What were those three bands you mentioned earlier?” Henry asked, his attention focused on Walter’s father,

“Truer Blindness, Falcon and Guns N’ Roses,” I almost choked on a pepper when he mentioned Guns N’ Roses.

I locked eyes with Macy, and I did my best to hide my panic.

“All those are rock bands, I thought you would be getting away from the rock scene after the mini hell Halion caused,” Walter asked. I tried to follow the bitterness in his tone. I hid the shock once I realized he was jealous that Henry knew about the bands his own father was looking into before his own son knew.

“I want to get out of the scene, but the payoff is always too good. A new band would have enough motivation to get an album done while costing the company minimal money. Once they get too big, then we would dump them. Usually rockstars start getting big heads after their first album. Which means I dump them after the second album,” Walter’s father clarified.

“Are there any standouts?” I shot Macy a glance as she spoke.

“True Blindness has been on the strip for a while, so they would have the potential to bring in a steady income. I am a bit concerned that no other label had picked them up. Falcon is a newer band that we have heard murmurs about. One of our competitor record companies is interested in them, so naturally I am as well. The big one I’m interested in seeing is Guns N’Roses. Apparently they are a bit wild, but they are new and draw in a big crowd whenever they perform. Guns N’ Roses is a definitely a wild card.” I remained frozen at Walter’s father’s words.

“Guns N’ Roses? That’s Duff’s band, right?” I nodded at Henry’s words.

“You know them?” Walter’ father’s words sent electricity through my veins.

“Yeah, I have made coffee for them,” I replied before returning back to my food.

I wasn’t just fucked, I was full on screwed.

[bunnykass]

INARIZAKI AS FEELING IVE HAD WITH GUYS IN HIGH SCHOOL

this was supposed to be funny but became very reflective and sorta emotional for me. therapeutic tho😌

TW: mentions of underage n*des, cursing, grammar and spell errors

KITA - the senior in my law class freshman year.

He was country, would wear cowboy boots to class and levi’s (i live in texas). He was a eagle scout. very sweet boy. always brought coffee in those cups to class,and he drove a range rover. i’d share sunflower seeds with him all the time and id make fun of him cause instead of breaking the shell and eating the inside, he’d just eat the shit whole. but like i said he was 18 and I was 14. more of crush we never really did anything, one time though he did argue with me on snapchat about immigration and the annexation of hawaii. He had a brother who was a freshman, and in the beginning of the second seamstress I would flirt with him but again me and never did anything.

OMINI - my freshman english teacher

(tw mentions of sexual assault, grooming, teacher-student relationship)

LMAOO. i had just gotten really into lolita (gross🤮) and so I would literally talk to older guys on the internet (one time i met up with marine even though I was like 15) ANYWAY, so when I started his class i was like damn we about to have a ezra and aria shit. he was super nice to “pretty girls” and “pretty boys” what I mean by that if you weren’t the beauty standard, he was kinda a dick to you. one time he pissed me off though cause he lost a assignment, made me re-do it but only gave me a 70, and i lost interest in him after that. he also accused me of defamation of character because i found his mugshot and was showing everyone.btw he was accused of SEXUAL ASSUALT??? but apparently the mugshot was fake or wasn’t him i don’t remember. he never counted me late or absent tho

ARAN - my best friend

been friends with this kid sense 8th grade. He was in love with this girl though that was leading him on all though out middle school but i really had a crush on him by the time high school started he had gotten over her. when we were freshmen’s he told the whole football team I was a whore cause i wouldn’t send him nudes (i know this sounds bad but i promise it wasn’t plus this was 3-4 years ago) so we didn’t talk to each other till summer going into sophomore year. me and him are still friends and we literally hang out almost every weekend, i love him and he’s loves me. he’s very thing i’d want in a boyfriend but because we’ve been friends for so long doing intimate things with each other like sex seems weird. While we both wish we could be in a relationship we both realstically know it wouldn’t work :(. <3

GINJIMA - my freshmen boyfriend

had fallen in love with me when like school started but like my best friend aran said, i was whoreing’ (not really tho cause i’m still a virgin) so when he asked me to homecoming I was like no. but eventually through out the school year me and him got closer we had like 3 classes together, 2 of them were back to back so we were jus cute like that. my first legit relationship, he was nerdy as hell and the biggest fucking dork. my freshmen year I was what the yt would call a hot cheeto girl and i weighed a lot more back then and he was 6’2-skinny white boy so we fucking looked like glora and melman from madagascar. were like discord moderator and daddy’s kitten shit. he was funny but he was really mean to me and because i was very insecure at the time i lacked setting boundary’s so i’d just take it. he also bought me a roku which i still have today, he was always buying me shit, and i taught him how to take dick pics. he was the first guy that didn’t just like me for my fat tits but i felt like the only way i could keep him around was by oversexualizing myself which ultimate let to him breaking up with me :( honestly no hard feelings though we were both like 15. him an his current girlfriend are so cute, and me and him are cool.

this is a conversation we had a few weeks ago.

SUNA - my yubo boys

my take away from being in highschool is guys do not give a shit about what you look like or how you’re built, unless they’re insecure, and also self-worth. I got on yubo my sophomore year and had it till my junior year. if you don’t know what yubo is its essentially a teen dating app. now i never went to meet these guys irl i have friends who did... and i just want to stay ted bundy would’ve had a field day with these hoes but would engage in online sexting. which ig is illegals cause i was still under 18. at this point in my life i was just so insecure and seeking male validation that i was throwing ass for people over the internet to people i would never meet. this isn’t one person either this is a collective of i don’t even know how many boys. i feel sick thinking about this but i cant take it back and i just have to encourage my sister and potentially future daughters about this.

Miya twins - my tower moments

these two, like the miya twins are very similare but different. I consider them both tower moments because after them two i change completely how i viewed myself and life. if you aren’t familer with tarot the tower card represents sudden and necessary changes usually the situation tends to me negatives and the outcome following is good. these two are also my most recent compared to the other and i’m still dealing with them today which is why i wanted to give a lil intro. idk if yall believe in astrology but those two have gemini in there big 3 and idk i feel like that has a lot to do with our situationship

OSAMU- my theater teachers son

so technically majority of our relationship was middle school but it carried into high school.he was so mean to me up until 8th grade like i said he was my theater teachers son, and he hated her class. at that time his family had so many issues and i think he didn’t have a outlet. my brother had died around the same time so i too was going through shit. while our issues weren’t the same he definitely confined in me a lot and trusted me with so many things, i don’t think a boy/guy ever just laid everything on me like that and it wasn’t in a “be my therapist” kinda way. he fucked up though, we were in musical theater behind the stage in a closet. his mom was just a couple feet away in the audiences teaching class. me and him were talking per usual, and without a warning he put his tongue down in my mouth. and tried putting his hand down my bra. i was so fucking scared i had never been touched like that. it was my first kiss and i didn’t even tell him he could do that to me. i obviously stopped taking to him after that until the summer going into freshman year when we started sending nudes back snd forth. i don’t like to blame people for my problems but i think i began to hyper sexualize myself because of him. when i wouldn’t send him shit he’d block me, ive finally outgrown him as i now my self worth know occasionally i’ll unblock him and hang out with him for fun but it’s nothing serious. he’s stuck on me like tic though and always bring up the fact he kissed me once in 8th grade 🙄

ATSUMU - my “twinflame”

he was a year older then me and i met him on snap chat that should’ve been a red flag. we started by sending nudes but eventually we started to develop feelings however as soon as things got serious he’d pull out. when his relations with other girls wouldn’t work out he’d always come back to me during that time together he’d love bomb me. take me on dates make out with each other in front of hobby lobbies on sunday, my happiness started to depend on if he talked to me or not and this went on forever. by the time quaratine happened he blocked me because he got a girlfriend? idk if that’s why he blocked me but i assumed that eventually he unblocked me because pussy that good. i gave this man so much power over my life that when i took it back i truly learned by self worth. i will never tell this man this but because of all the shit he pulled on me i’m actually confident. i don’t regret meeting him. occasionally he does try to pull his shit on me and i play along with him. i think the reason i can’t let my gemini boys go is because i’m too scared for a relationship but i know that no matter what they’re both their for fun 😌.

[revisitingstoneybrook]

#68 Jessi and the Bad Babysitter: Chapter 10

I think Jessi wins the award for Dumbest Thing Said in a BSC Book Ever in this chapter. You’ll see what I mean.

Jessi gets to the Pikes five minutes early and, sure enough, Wendy isn't there, even after Jessi begged her to show up early the day before. Mallory reassures Jessi that she'll probably be there in a minute (especially considering, you know, Jessi showed up five minutes early), and Jessi explodes, “I specifically asked her to be on time!” Whoa, calm down. You're turning into Kristy! Besides, you're early; if she arrives right after you, she's still on time! Jessi has a warped understanding of how “on time” works.

Mrs. Pike asks Jessi where Wendy is, and Jessi says she has no clue. Jessi tells them to go, Wendy will probably be there soon. Mrs. Pike panics over the thought of Wendy not showing up and decides to sit around for a few extra minutes. Since the Pike kids will all melt into puddles of goo if there aren't two sitters there and it isn't that important to get What's-Her-Name to the doctor right away. She says she can't cancel the appointment though because it was the only available slot when she called last week. What the hell kind of pediatrician do the Pikes use that doesn't take patients on an emergency basis?

And while we're on this tangent, why is it such a huge issue if there isn't a second sitter there? I know, I know, more than 4 kids = 2 sitters. But the Pike kids are drinkers of the BSC Kool-Aid, they're only a handful if the writer wants to show how chaotic/wacky they are, or if they're doing one of their ~projects~ and this one isn't their brainchild. The rest of the time, they practically take care of themselves! And Vanessa and the triplets are 9 and 10. When the series started, Mallory was helping out and she was, oh yeah, 10. And two chapters ago, we got this whole thing about Vanessa being responsible and able to help out with watching the younger kids. What? Already forgotten? And the other Pike kids aren't expected to help out the way Mallory does because she's the family punching bag? Ok.

Jessi finally gets rid of Mrs. Pike and Mallory by promising if Wendy doesn't show up in 15 minutes, she'll call Aunt Cecilia to come over and help. Jessi says she doesn't even like the idea, but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Anyway, Mrs. Pike finally takes a hint and leaves with Mallory, anxiously reminding Jessi to do something if Wendy doesn't show up. Geez, calm the hell down, Mrs. Pike! After they get the hell out of there, Jessi does the usual “make the rounds and see what the kids are doing” routine. The boys are playing Nok Hockey downstairs, again the triplets have no problem letting Nicky play with them. And upstairs, Vanessa's doing her homework and Claire's doing a puzzle on the floor. Claire says Margo kicked her out of their bedroom. Jessi heads over to the younger girls' room, wondering why Margo would do that.

Um, let's see. You caught her shoplifting the other day, she was acting secretive and weird last time you sat for her...you don’t think she’s holed up in her room with the ring she stole? Geez, the BSC is not good at putting 2 and 2 together. Especially Claudia.

Jessi knocks on Margo's door and she doesn't answer until Jessi threatens to come inside. Margo opens up and claims she was asleep, though Jessi heard footsteps inside. Jessi wants to talk but Margo says she wants to “sleep” for like another hour and feigns a yawn. Jessi lets her and Margo shuts the door before either of them can say anything else. 

As she walks downstairs, Jessi wonders if Margo's coming down with whatever Mallory has. Are you fucking kidding me? She faked being asleep, when she obviously wasn't. Jessi herself noticed that. Add that in with all the other stuff...she's clearly hiding something and chances are, it involves her shoplifting. Jessi is such a moron in some parts of this book. The real doozie's coming up soon where she says what quite possibly could be the dumbest thing she's ever said.

Hey, whoa! Wendy's 15 minutes are up (in more ways than one), so Jessi calls her house first. Mrs. Loesser answers and says Wendy had a babysitting job after school. Jessi wonders if it's the Pike one or if she forgot about the Pikes and took another one without telling the club (blasphemy!). She asks Mrs. Loesser to call her at the Pikes if she comes back and hangs up. Now what? Things are calm and quiet, so she has half the mind to keep it that way. But Mrs. Pike wanted another sitter there, dammit! And Jessi's in no rush to call Aunt Cecilia, so she goes looking for someone else.

The victim is Mary Anne, who doesn't have a sitting job until 7:30 but was going to spend the afternoon working on a paper. Jessi calls her, begging her to come help out, since Wendy isn't there. Mary Anne says she can't because the paper's due tomorrow and since she's been so busy with the BSC, she's had like no time to work on it. Kristy, when the sitters' academic time is suffering, IT'S TIME TO HIRE NEW SITTERS AND NOT BE AN UNWELCOMING BITCH TO THEM! Bring on the Shillaber twins, we haven't heard from them in ages.

Jessi begs her again and Mary Anne says she will, as long as she stays at the kitchen table to work on her paper and is only called on in an emergency. Uh...doesn't that defeat the purpose of having another sitter if she's going to pretty much be useless?

Mary Anne shows up, armed with four books and a pen behind her ear, explaining that the paper counts for a quarter of her grade. What the hell is she doing taking tons of babysitting jobs if she's got a bigass paper due? Forget this whole “Seven sitters is ENOUGH!” crap, hire more people and keep them! Even if they are normies. And geez, Mary Anne, no Kid-Kit? You're slacking!

Well, not long after she arrives, there's a knock at the door. It's Wendy! Jessi demands to know where she's been. Oh no...she is turning into Kristy!

Wendy starts to say something, then notices Mary Anne's there and stops herself. Mary Anne asks if everything's ok and Wendy tells her she had something to do at school that went long, and she knew Jessi would be at the Pikes, so she thought it wasn't a big deal. Nice save. Jessi reminds Wendy that Mrs. Pike asked for two sitters, since her three next-eldest are unable to babysit, being that they're a year younger and oh-so-immature. Wendy responds, “I knew you'd get here on time!” and smiles but Mary Anne and Jessi are not amused. 

With Wendy there, Mary Anne gets out of there faster than Claudia in a library and that's the last we hear from her on this...or is it?

After Mary Anne leaves, Wendy confesses to Jessi that she really didn't have anything at school. Well, then where was she? Just like her mom said, Wendy was at a babysitting job. Her neighbor that she usually sits for grabbed her that morning in an emergency to ask if she could watch her baby after school. Wendy said she couldn't say no to her and took it knowing the Pike kids wouldn't be left alone since Jessi was there. Strike 3 and strike 4! Wendy is going to meet her doom at the next BSC meeting...it was nice knowing you, peripheral character!

Jessi freaks out and tells Wendy that she wasn't allowed to do that! Kristy told her so! Yeah! You can't babysit for anyone unless the BSC approves it! Ok...I know Wendy was irresponsible in not calling up Jessi and telling her that she was going to be late. Not to mention she didn’t bother telling Jessi about this at school before they left for their babysitting jobs. Really not smart. But Wendy's faux pas is overshadowed by Jessi here. Seriously, this is like the stupidest shit she ever said in the series. I'm including it in its entirety for posterity:

“Nobody else knows this baby,” Wendy insisted. “She won't go to just anybody.” (OH SHIT! She just dissed the BSC!) “Besides, Mrs. Behar only asked me this morning as I was leaving for school. What was I supposed to do?” “Well, I'm not exactly sure,” I admitted. “I guess you should have told her no, or given her the number of our club.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!? God, it's taking all my will power to not hurl this book against the wall. Where is the logic in that? Neighbor asks for babysitter in emergency, usual sitter says no because the BSC won't let her take jobs without everyone else's approval. Did Jessi seriously expect her to say, “I'm sorry. I'm in this babysitting club now and I can no longer sit for you on my own. Here's the number, you must call on these days only and at these times only. I know you don't know everyone else but that's what I'm supposed to do now. Hail Kristy!” This makes absolutely no sense. And despite all this, we're supposed to side with the BSC and look at Wendy as the bad girl.

And you seriously can't tell me that, like, Mrs. Newton (who, in the words of another snarker, can't go to the bathroom without calling the BSC) has never called Claudia on a Tuesday morning to ask her to watch the kids in the afternoon because a family emergency or something came up? That's such a stupid rule and I don't remember the BSC ever making a huge deal out of it before. Plot device!

Wendy gives Jessi the same response I just did, only in a lot nicer terms, of course. Jessi's response? “If all of us took our own private jobs we wouldn't have any club customers.”

Good lord, IT WAS AN EMERGENCY!!!! Of course they don't all take their own private jobs all the time, but in an emergency situation, why not? I'd rather take the job than turn it down over a stupid rule and make the club look unreliable. Hear that, Kristy?

Before they can keep arguing, the sound of another fight interrupts them. They run downstairs to find Jordan accusing Adam of cheating at Nok-Hockey. Wendy breaks up the fight and suggests they do a rematch, with her as referee. Since the BSC charges always obey their sitters, the boys agree. Argument averted. Jessi goes upstairs to do her homework (with essentially only one babysitter on duty. How is that different from having one sitter?) and thinks to herself how good Wendy is with kids. Doesn't say she's a good babysitter...good babysitters don't defy the BSC I guess.

An hour goes by and Jessi realizes she didn't talk to Margo. Whoops! She goes upstairs but just as she does, Mallory and Mrs. Pike come home. Dammit Mallory! You ruin everything! Turns out Mallory's ok...the doctor thinks she's riding out a virus and is rundown. Oh, and she also might be anemic, so she has pills for that and they did blood work. The results aren't back yet but I'm sure they're back in time for the next book, when they discover she has mono.

Jessi's relieved and I guess it sucks for Mallory, because now everyone can give her more shit than usual and not have to worry about the whole “she's sick!” thing. Everyone hates Mallory. Jessi wonders if she should tell Mallory about Margo and Wendy but stays quiet. For the time being at least. And don't worry about Wendy, everyone in the BSC will be finding out about that soon.

[imgoingtohellsofuckit]

Fake Date

Denki Kaminari x Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warning : None

Summary: You need a fake date for your holidays party and Denki is the person for the job.

"Wait wait wait stop you want me to do what?"

I sigh looking back to the guy in front of me. Disbelief sprawled across his face. Every inch of his being seemed either confused or amused at the ask. 

"I need you to be my date for my families holiday party," I repeat. He just starts to bust out laughing. "Denki this isn't funny! This is seriously."

"Sure sure but why me? We barely like each other?" He asks me, "seriously until a month ago we were almost sworn enemies."

"I wouldn't say enemies," I say as my eyes look to the ground. 

"Why me?" He asks again.

"You are the exact guy my parents wouldn't want me to be with," I say as I meet his eyes, "seriously they hate these alternative guys! I mean they freaked when my sisters last boyfriend had an earring. They'd hate you! And I really want to piss them off." He starts to laugh again. I scoff harshly as I pull back. "I don't know why I even asked you! Jeez this was such a mistake."

"No no no," He says grabbing my arm to keep me from leaving, "I'm just amused that of everyone you could have asked you came to me."

"I was going to take Kiri," I say as I pull away from him, "but my parents would love him. They'd have it out to the press that we were looking into marriage before I even knew. You however. They'd finally get off my ass about everything."

"Mmm I would but I'm busy babe," He says smirking widely.

"No you don't," I say to him.

"How do you know I don't have plans?" He asks me a brow raised slightly in amusement.

"Because every holiday where people go home to see their family you sit in you and sero's apartment jacking off to pictures of Midnight in her original hero costume.”

"How do you-"

"Kaminari you told me at the new years party while you were wasted and trying to shove your tongue down my throat," I say to him while I fold my arms over my chest, "now I'm sorry for even asking you I'll go to Bakugo-"

"NO- I mean no it's fine I'll go with you," He says to me, "I'll get your family off your ass."

"Sweet thank you so much-" I start.

"Ah ah ah on one condition," He says to me, "next interview you have about being a top tier pro hero you have to take me with you."

"Fine sure whatever," I say to him, "I am completely fine with you going on the show with me. Seriously those losers are way too stuffy anyways." He smiles brightly then nods. 

"You are lucky that I enjoying being a disappointment to parents," He says smirking, "so when do you want to go meet the parents?"

"Thursday," I tell him, "meet me here and we'll head out." 

"Of course she you then pretty," He says to me. He winks at me then moves off. 

I am going to regret this aren't I.

Three days later after much taunting its time. As I fix my outfit in the mirror the blond struts into my apartment. A smirk already plastered across his face. 

"Are we staying there?" He asks, "are we gonna have to share a bed? Are you gonna be naked?"

"Okay you pervert we aren't staying the night," I tell him, "we drive up there and then drive back simple as that. Now get the idea that anything is going to happen there out of your head." He chuckles lightly.

"You act like you don't want something to happen," He says snarkily. His teasing evident in his voice.

"I don't!" I exclaim, "I just want my parents off my ass for the rest of the season before I have to do it all again next year."

"Who knows you might be taking me for real next year," He adds. I sigh looking over at him finally. I see he has a black button up on with some ripped black jeans and a flannel tied around his waist. Paired with it he has some boots giving him a couple inch height boost and layers of earrings and chokers. He looks good. Has he always looked like this? "Are you checking me out?"

"No," I say to him, "I'm not checking you out." I back away from the boy annoyed at the accusation. "I would never check you out."

"You were totally checking me out," He says softly, "seriously I know I look good but damn you can't be looking at me like a piece of meat."

"I already wish I got Bakugo," I say with a sigh, "hell even Shinso would have worked and he wouldn't have been a perv about it." Denki sighs as he moves behind me. I look to see our reflection in the mirror. We look good together. I guess I never noticed that we would have been a cute couple. Where is this coming from?! Oh my gosh whats wrong with me. 

"Look at how cute we are," He says to me. He pulls bake and smiles brightly at me. "If you want us to look like a real couple you're gonna have to at least pretend to like me. I mean I am doing you a nice favor."

"Yeah thanks Denki," I say as I turn to meet his eyes, "I hate to cut into your time with Midnights picture and a bottle of lotion."

"Hey your always welcome to help," He says with a wide smirk. I move punching him in the arm harshly. "Ow! Kidding god I'm kidding I'd never ask you to do that. Well I mean unless you want- Ow!"

"Knock it off," I say to him, "actually- if you say that around my parents they'll freak. Keep it up."

"Uh yeah alright," He says to me.

"Now come on hottie lets go piss of my parents," I say to him as I grab his hand. I pull my purse on my arm and move pulling him out of my home to the car. Once we pile inside I notice his flirty personality is more relaxed. Like he finally toned down. "You alright?"

"Yeah," he says staring out the window, "just thinking about how I haven't met anyone's parents in this fashion since I met Jiro's family back in 2nd year."

"Wow that was like what 5 years ago?" I ask him, "huh its been a while since you dated anybody seriously huh?"

"Like you can talk," He says to me, "the last person you dated was what Todoroki back in 3rd year?"

"Nah we broke up the year after that," I correct him, "but yeah its been a bit. I mean I had that think with Izuku last year but its just ya know hard to date with the public in your face about every little thing." 

"Tell me aout it," He says to me, "I went on one date with some girl from my agency and suddenly everyone was on my dick about it. I mean I got hounded by reporters asking all about the scoop."

"See its hard to date in our career," I tell him, "pros don't really catch a break. And that doesn't even count the fact that dating a non hero puts them in terrible danger and how it makes a weakness that villains would defiantly exploit." I sigh focusing on the road as we move along the directions towards my childhood home. 

"Would you date?" He asks me.

"Yeah if the right person came along," I say to him, "what about you?"

"I want to get back out there," He says sneaking a glance at me.

"Well any ideas?" I ask him.

"I have my eyes on a special someone," He says to me. 

"Well who?" I ask him.

"Uh you wouldn't know them," He says quickly, "they are at my agency." 

"Oh," I say softly. Who does that bother me? Who cares if he's into some random girl. "They cute?"

"The cutest- ah I mean their alright," He says, "perfect. I've known them for a while. I've just been too scared to say anything."

"Well you should just talk to them," I offer up to him, "you'll never know. I mean if I was them I'd want you to tell me."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I say to him, "trust me."

"Well uh I-"

"Oh look we're here," i say to him. I pull into the packed drive way parking in the furthest spot. "You were saying?"

"Uh nothing," he says to me, "uh lets go in."

"Alright," I say to him. We both climb out and meet at the front of the car. He moves pulling my hand into his. I start to feel my heart racing at the action. Stop it Y/n this isn't anything. He's just playing along.

 "How long have we been dating?" He asks me.

"You pick," I tell him, "I'll get the story together but don't panic- oh hey mom!" My mother moves pulling me into a deep hug. As she pulls back and I reclaim Denki's hand she looks to him slightly confused.

"Who's this?" She asks me.

"This is my boyfriend Denki," I tell her, "Denki this is my mother. Leia L/n."

"Nice to meet you Leia," He says with a sly smirk, "hows it going?"

"You can call me Ms. L/n," She says sternly, "its nice to meet you Denki." Her eyes move back to me, "shall we head inside."

"Sure," I say to her. As we move inside he tightens his grip on my hand. He's actually nervous. Jeez you'd think this was the real deal or something. Once inside I feel my entire family move their eyes to us. Like apparently we are the most interesting thing in the room. "Hey everyone."

Various hellos are thrown towards us. We follow my mother to the kitchen where she hands over a glass of wine. 

"Oh no thanks I'm alright," I say to her, "I'm driving."

"Oh he's not?" She asks.

"No I'm driving," I correct, "Denki isn't allowed to drive my car after he almost drove us off a bridge three years ago."

"If you weren't using your quirk to mess with me it wouldn't of happened!" He adds.

"Oh sure sure," I say. A light smirk on my face. My quirk is puppeteer I can control others in a puppet like fashion. Shinso and I always had to train with each other because of our quirks. Anyways I was messing around with him as he was driving me home one night from a club. But it was hardly my quirk that made him almost crash. Really it was when my dress fell down that he made the sudden jolt. 

"Three years?" My mom asks us.

"How long of you all been together?" My sister asks as she joins us.

"We've been together for 8 months now," Denki tells them, "but we went to school together."

"We've been friends for so long so we have quite a bit of history huh," I say looking over to Denki. The smile on my face so pure. He smiles as he looks over me.

"You two are quite the pair huh?" My sister asks looking between us, "how'd you get together?"

"I thought they were gonna ask me," Denki says, "they've always been the one with guts between the two of us. But they never did. Then we were at a party for someone's birthday. We both were just relaxing on the roof after it all became too much just having a good time. Talking about our future and dreams. After a while I decided I needed to ask them" He's talking about the party. I remember that. I was waiting for him to do something. He wasn't being flirty or pervy he was just being himself. It was so nice. I leaned in for him to kiss me and then Shoto opened the door. We jumped about fifty feet back from another. "I had rehearsed the words hundreds of times. But then all the sudden I couldn't make them fit. But when I looked at her they just formed together-" He meets my eyes then snaps out of it, "now Y/n is my favourite hoe I have."

"Excuse me!"

"Don't talk about my child like that!"

"Guys its fine," I say to them, "it's chill."

"Chill?" My mom asks then mumbles something under her voice as she looks to my father completely annoyed. "She always picks the worst ones-"

"Thats not true Shoto was great," My sister says, "you guys loved him. Remember you begged her to get back together with him."

"He was a good one!" My father adds, "she can't pick them anymore."

"Whatever," I huff, "Denki let me show you around." I tighten my grip on his hand as I lead him away from the full kitchen and dining room. As we get to the hallway I pull him towards my childhood room. "Now don't make fun of the décor I picked it out at ten."

"I wouldn't make fun of it," He says unconvincingly. I roll my eyes and pull him into the room. Around me pink walls and butterflies fill the room. "Nice collection of boyband posters."

"Ah that addition was added around 13," I say to him, "along with that wall of pictures right there." He moves looking over them. I smile forms across his face. 

"I'm in a lot of these," He comments.

"Well of course you are," I say to him, "you're one of my closest friends and you've been that since we started at UA."

"True," He says as he pokes at a picture of Todoroki and I where I'm pecking his cheek. "What actually happened with you two?"

"I realized that he and I both wanted different things," I tell him, "I wanted to get married and he didn't. Which is fine I completely understood wanting to wait. But then he said he wouldn't really want to get married at all."

"Oh," Denki says.

"Yeah well I decided that I wouldn't keep going with a relationship that I knew was going nowhere," I explain, "Todoroki and I weren't really even in love anymore. So it makes sense that we split up."

"I always thought it was because of you and Izuku," he says, "thats what spread around at least."

"God no," I say to him, "Izuku and I weren't even trying anything. We made out at a party once that year and all the sudden everyone screamed about how I left Todoroki for him." 

"I'm sorry about that," He says to me. 

"Its whatever," i say to him. I sit down on my bed and he settles beside me. "So that story?"

"Oh that," he says softly, "it was nothing. Just something I've spun. I'm good at making cover stories up like that."

"That night I honestly thought you were gonna kiss me," i say to him, "I was waiting. Ya know then Shoto opened the door and suddenly you pulled back."

"I didn't want to cause something between you two," Denki says, "you guys for a bit seemed like you were going to get back together."

"I didn't want to he wanted to try it again," I admit, "I had my mind on another guy."

"Was it- was it me?" He asks quietly. My eyes meet his. 

"Does it matter anymore?" I ask him, "you like someone else. You know the person at your agency." He moves crashing his lips into mine. Shock covers my face but I start to melt into the soft kiss. As we move together I can't help but to feel like everything in our lives has been leading up to this. Finally I pull away. "Kaminari you are the worst." He smirks.

"But you love me."

"Always have."

[eldritchsurveys]

661.

Have you had any experiences with the supernatural? >> I don’t divide my experiences into “natural” and “supernatural”. It seems like a false dichotomy, to me. Regardless, I’d say I’ve experienced things that I imagine many people wouldn’t regard as common or relatable, and strict materialists would regard as straight-up fake.

Do you feel at peace when you look at the moon? >> I’ve never really thought about it. I do like looking at the moon sometimes, though. Especially when it’s full.

Are you part human, part supernatural being? >> I am whatever I am, unceremoniously stuffed into a human body.

Do you have a mentor or a guide? >> No.

Do you have any supernatural gifts? What are your supernatural gifts? >> I don’t know if I have any “gifts” ("strengths” seems like a better word to me, but). I’d have to do some testing to figure that out, and most of the time I don’t have the executive function required to do all that.

Do you know what your calling is? >> I doubt I have one.

Does your city park have portals into another realm? >> I don’t know, the only city park I’ve been to here is Millennium Park, and since we did watch a solar eclipse there, who knows what might have happened, lol. I will say that Central Park in NYC probably has several thin places, considering all that’s happened in there.

Do you always wear a moon amulet or some other charm necklace? >> I have a Yog-Sothoth necklace, does that count? I was mad when I forgot to wear it when I went to see Color Out of Space, but it’s fine. Movie wasn’t all that great anyway.

Do you feel the most alive at night? >> I don’t feel different gradations of “alive”.

Are you aware of your destiny? >> Not really.

Do you believe that life is sacred and holy? >> No.

Do you believe that each day is sacred and holy? >> No.

Is your life one big grand adventure? >> That’s one way to look at it, sure, but it’s definitely not the only way -- and it kind of glosses over some of the really awful shit that has happened.

Have you ever felt like you were being followed, but there was no one there? >> I don’t think so. Are you able to become invisible? >> No.

Have you ever felt invisible? >> Sure.

Do you think of your gift as a blessing or a curse? >> ---

Do you wish you were normal like everyone else? >> Sometimes, but that’s a fallacious thought -- when you really get down to it, “normality” is just a set of social standards that everyone is trying to live up to, not something that people naturally embody by default. Some people are just better at wearing the mask than others. I don’t necessarily wish to be better at wearing the mask, I wish to not have to wear it at all.

Do you sing? >> Sure, sometimes.

Does your mom sew? >> ---

Do you have a boyfriend? >> No.

Have you ever been betrayed by your best friend? >> No.

Do you feel that you couldn't bear to lose another friend? >> ---

Would you risk it all to fulfill your destiny? >> I can’t imagine being in this scenario. I don’t know what I’d do if I was.

Would your give up your life in order to risk it all to save the world? >> I don’t know. See above.

If you were the world's last and only hope, would you feel defeated? or would you feel energized and excited and ready to go! ? >> The problem with this kind of scenario is it really only makes sense in storytelling. I don’t quite know which mythic role I embody, but I’m pretty sure it’s not the “Selfless Hero” one, so...

Do you follow the rules to a tee? >> No.

Do you feel like you have to keep your supernatural gifts and encounters a secret because no one will like you and they wouldn't believe u if u didnt? >> It’s complicated. Most of the time I don’t talk about mythic stuff simply because people are not interested and do not understand what I’m on about. But I do know some people who love talking about this kind of thing, so I talk about it with them instead.

Are you afraid to reveal your true self to the world? >> No. I just don’t see the point of putting all of myself out there to everyone.

Are you indecisive and hesitant when making important decisions? >> Sometimes. Other times there’s just no time for that.

Would your risk it all to save a friend? >> I can’t imagine being in this situation either. Do you enjoy lying in bed and looking out your window at the night sky? >> Well, I can’t see the night sky very well if I’m lying on my bed. That’d take some real neck-craning.

Have you ever had someone accuse you of being or wonder if you were an alien? >> I don’t think so. That’d be one hell of a logic leap for most people to make, but I wouldn’t necessarily mind if that was the conclusion they came to.

Have you reached your seventeenth birthday? >> Yeah, almost half my life ago.

If you had to choose between losing your memory of the supernatural being you were and becoming normal, or to remain a supernatural being, which would you choose? >> I don’t always enjoy being me and I don’t always want to be, but I can’t imagine being anyone else, so. Might as well make the best of it when I can.

Have you ever felt the presence of angels? >> No.

Have you ever felt the presence of demons? >> No.

Have you ever felt the presence of God? >> No. Not for lack of trying with this one, either.

Are you intuitive? >> No.

Can you sense what's in the atmosphere? >> I have no idea what’s in the atmosphere.

Do you ever just know things? >> Nah.

Do you ever have power in your hands? like heat or tingling or sparkles or electricity? >> Nah. If that would be anyone’s province, it’d be Can Calah’s. But I doubt even he could make that happen on this particular plane of existence.

Have you ever been transported into another realm? >> I mean, Inworld is another realm.

Have you ever had a teleportation experience? >> No.

Have you ever seen an angel? >> No. Well, there was Islington, but--

Have you ever seen a dark shadowy figure? >> No, but I’ve seen a white misty figure.

Have you ever seen a demon manifest? >> No.

Are you open to the supernatural? >> I’m open in general.

Is the supernatural just a normal part of your life? >> That’s more like how I think of it.

Have you ever come under the influence of a spiritual force? >> Any force trying to influence me first has to contend with my own influence.

Have you ever had a dark force influence your thoughts? visit you in your dreams? influence your memories? literally change something in the room, like turn a clock around? >> Nah. Or, maybe. But like... the “dark/light” dichotomy doesn’t really make much sense for me, personally. Even Red/White is iffy, but I have a little more understanding of how that framework operates.

Do you have dark forces out to destroy you? >> Not that I’ve noticed. Also, I’m sure if these almighty “dark forces” wanted to destroy me, it really can’t be that hard. Unless, of course... they’re just not that powerful... ~

How would you react if the moon goddess Selena came and visited you? >> I mean, sure, why not. It can be fun to play host to gods.

Do you believe that there is another realm intertwined with this one? >> Not, like, one specific realm. I think entanglement can happen between any realms.

Do you transfer between two realms? >> Yeah, Inworld and meatspace.

Do you believe that there have been two destinies woven for you? and you get to choose, by the decisions you make and by what you do which one will win?  Are you winning? >> I consider it sometimes. It’s like the “which wolf will you feed?” parable. But I also think that if I really had to choose, I’d like to choose a third of my own devisement. Because that’s just the kind of incorrigible bastard I am. Do you realize who you are? >> At least a piece. There’s never going to be a point where I’ll think “that’s it. I know exactly everything about myself and all of my selves.” because that’s... just not possible, not from this incarnation. But the discovery is always fun.

What are you so afraid of? >> The knowledge of annihilation. I don’t know. Something like that. I always come back to the words “knowledge” and “death” but the way I mean those things isn’t necessarily the way people would interpret them. Also, “afraid” would be a... simplistic and one-faceted way of putting it. Blargh.

Are you ready to go home? >> I’m not convinced I have one. That’s been a constant amongst myselves -- a pronounced lack of... foundation.

[geekofmanyforms]

New Beginning

Chapter Seven

*This chapter has been edited by my Beta Casey. Please leave a review I am always up for hearing what you think. If you have finished the chapters I have uploaded on here and want more, then feel free to find me on Fanfiction.net, Ao3, or Wattpad to read more.*

I stepped out of the closet with the perfect dress in tow. It was a simple gown, but for me, that's what made it perfect. The eyelet lace halter top sparkled in the light as I did a twirl in front of the full-length mirror. I smiled as I admired my reflection; thankfully, the dress was ankle length, so I wouldn't have to worry about tripping on the stairs. I tended to be a bit of a klutz.

I decided on a loose side french braid for my hair, hoping to achieve a beautiful look with minimal effort. This seemed to be my typical philosophy because honestly, I didn't really have time to care or worry about what I looked like.

I patted a shimmery shadow overtop my eyelids, and swiped on some lip stain that matched the dark wine color of the dress. After sliding on my ballet flats, I gave myself one last once-over; I was passable, at least.

I rolled my eyes at the loud wolf whistle from behind me but had a difficult time hiding the smile creeping onto my face.

"Thank you, Beka. If you approve, then I obviously did something right," I said.

I gave her a grandiose twirl and nearly tripped over my own feet. Rebekah laughed merrily, clapping her hands to applaud my clumsy show.

"You better get outta here before you fall and break your neck — didn't you do that once?" she asked.

She bit her lip, trying to reel in her laughter at my expense. I sighed, shaking my head.

"Yes Beka, that was actually a death of mine. I fell down the stairs and broke my neck; the curse is a bitch."

I forced a chuckle at this, and Rebekah frowned. She had always been able to tell when I was faking humor to hide my sadness. She ushered me out the bedroom door before I could fall into a 'woe is me' depression.

As we were at the top of the stairs, Elena exited her room, phone in hand. I stopped dead in my tracks — she looked beautiful. Her knee-length orange dress complimented her brown hair marvelously. She'd chosen to wear her hair down, save a single strand on each side, and her sweetheart neckline highlighted her collarbones expertly. I tore my eyes from her gown; the expression she wore was making me nervous.

"What's up, Lena?" I asked.

Instead of answering my question, she bypassed me and bolted into Jeremy's room. I followed her and stood back, watching as she started hitting him.

"Ahh! God, what now?" he asked, covering his head with his hands.

Rebekah stood beside me, watching them in amusement. "You gonna do something?" she whispered, although only I could hear her. I shook my head, continuing to remain silent as my two siblings bickered.

"The pocket watch — Where is it?" Elena accused.

Jeremy looked at her incredulously. "What watch?"

Elena stepped back, her hands on her hips. "The one you stole from mom's box. Look, Mrs. Lockwood just called me freaking out. It was on the list, Jeremy, and she can't find it. She thinks she's the one who lost it."

I looked away from them for a moment, trying to remain impartial. It would do me no good to get involved, but it was hard not to. They could both be mad at me for not playing favorites if they wanted, but eventually, I wouldn't be here to play mediator. They needed to learn how to deal with one another without me.

Still, it was tough to remain neutral when Jeremy was the one who was supposed to inherit the pocket watch. Since it's technically his, he should've been the one to loan it out — and only if he wanted to.

Jeremy stared at Elena contemptuously and shrugged, "Maybe she did. Maybe Tyler took it,"

Elena looked at me as if I was supposed to jump in and yell at Jeremy for being childish, although she was acting just as annoying. I threw my hands out in front of me and shook my head.

"Not involved," I said.

Elena gave me her best 'so angry her eyes were bulging out' expression and turned back to our brother.

"Don't even play that card, Jeremy, you took it. If I go online, am I gonna find it on eBay? Is that how you pay for your pot?" she snarled.

At that, I stepped further into the room. Anger coursed through me — How dare she act so damned, holier than thou.

"Hey, Lena, that's not cool. You have no right to act this way — just 'cause Jer is handling mom and dad's death differently than you are, doesn't mean he would ever sell dad's watch." I said, jabbing my finger in her direction. "The one that was supposed to be his in the first place!"

They both looked at me in silence, shocked that I had said anything. It had been a very long time since I had gotten involved in direct family matters. After I took a few breaths, I nudged my head towards Jeremy.

"Where is it, Jer?" I asked softly.

He stood and walked over to his desk. Pulling out a drawer, he retrieved the watch and looked at Elena.

"Screw you. I would never sell this, okay? At least someone still understands me," he said, looking at me as he held the watch firmly in his hands.

I stepped away from Elena and put my hand on his shoulder. Elena sighed and looked anywhere but at us.

"Then why did you take it?" she asked.

I scoffed quietly. Of course, she didn't understand...

"Because it's supposed to be mine, just like Ellie said. Dad told me it goes to the firstborn son. His father gave it to him, and…now what?" he asked, handing the watch over to Elena.

I shook my head and walked back over to the door.

"...And he was gonna give it to you," Elena said, finally understanding.

Jeremy looked at me, and I nodded in support.

"Yeah," he said.

Elena looked down at the watch, frowning. "Look, Jeremy, it's still yours, okay? Mom promised Mrs. Lockwood. What do you want me to do?"

I bit my tongue trying to say out of it, but to no avail, I couldn't keep myself from calling Elena out on her bullshit. It was the classic Petrova 'only I matter' philosophy — they can't bring themselves to understand unless it matters to them or affects them directly. She was slowly proving to me how very much like her ancestors she was becoming.

"I don't know Elena, you could tell her to shove it. That the watch was never yours, nor moms, to give out. It was Jeremy's, and dads, and it's all he has left of him." I huffed.

Jeremy sent me a grateful smile and my rigid shoulders relaxed. He needed someone to understand him without judgment, and I could give him that — for now.

"Just take it and get out, Elena," he said, turning away from her.

Elena brushed past me with a harsh look in her eyes, directed at me, of course. I had chosen a side (something I really didn't want to do), and to her, it had been the wrong one.

Looking into the teary eyes of my brother, I knew I had chosen correctly. He was the one who needed me the most. He had no one, yes Jenna and Elena tried, but neither of them was willing to simply be there for him all while allowing him to make his own mistakes. They pushed and pushed, judging him for everything he did. I walked over and sat down beside him on the bed.

"This room is...musty. Maybe open a window," I joked, trying to lighten the mood.

He forced a chipped chuckle and leaned against my shoulder.

"Thanks for trying sis," he said.

I smiled at his tone of voice, it was soft and warm — something I usually didn't get from him. He was always blunt and sarcastic; I could often appreciate that — well, most of the time, at least. I was just as sarcastic as he was, but I did miss my brother. The one who used to sit beside me on the porch swing while I read, drawing pictures of our neighbors or random wildlife. He used to be so fun and care-free...then we lost our parents, and he fell into a dark pit.

One that even I couldn't get him out of.

He was drowning, and I just left him. I told myself it was to save him more heartache once I died, but in the end, it wasn't for him. It was for me.

I was pulling away from everyone to save myself. I wanted to hide away until my birthday. I knew now that I couldn't do that anymore. I had to be there for my family until I no longer could. I would save him. He was my brother — my responsibility. I had lost so many people already, and I was sick of it. Maybe Damon and Stefan were right. Perhaps I could fight this...

"I love you Jer, I'm sorry — I've been so out of it these last couple of years, but I'm here now," I whispered, "I'm back."

He pulled away from me, attempting to wipe the tears from his eyes without me noticing. I looked away so he could retain his 'manly dignity.' I bit my lip to keep from smiling and looked back when I knew he had composed himself.

"I'm glad. I've missed you. Aside from mom and dad, you were always the one I could depend on," he said.

I ruffled his hair, much to his displeasure, and then stood up.

"Well, I'm here — If you ever need anything, let me know. I'll get the watch back for you Jer, I promise."

I smoothed my gown as he smiled brightly. I made to exit, and he followed me out to the hallway.

"Hey, Ellie," he called to me once I reached the top of the stairs, "You look beautiful, by the way,"

I pulled my dress up and curtseyed for him with a laugh.

"Why thank you, good sir," I said, with my best southern belle impersonation.

He bowed to me and took my arm to help me down the stairs. By the time we had reached the last step, we were both laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes. It felt wonderful to laugh with him again.

Jenna was waiting for us at the bottom, a bright grin on her face. She appeared to be stifling back tears.

"You look lovely, Elara," she said.

The doorbell rang, giving me an excellent excuse to escape her teary gaze. As I headed to answer the door, I noticed Elena pull Jeremy to the side, a determined look on her face. I frowned until I saw dad's watch in her hands. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't even have to guilt her into giving it back.

I opened the door to reveal a handsomely dressed Matt Donovan. He was smiling broadly as I ushered him inside. He gave me a quick once-over.

"Wow, Elara. You look amazing," he said breathily.

I moved my weight from one foot to the other, unsure of what to say. He was my sister's ex after all, and I didn't want to give him any reason to believe this was more than what it was. Matt was a great guy, but he wasn't for me.

"I'm almost ready Matty. I just need to grab my clutch and talk to Jeremy about something," I said, slowly backing away from him.

"Okay, I'll be here," he replied.

I headed back up the stairs and ignored the greyish spirit that was leaning against the wall, eyeing me suspiciously.

"So, who's that?" Rebekah asked as I reached for my clutch on my desk.

"He's just a friend — Elena's ex actually. He asked me if I would accompany him to the party. He is still not over Elena," I explained.

She gave me a tight-lipped frown and stared me down.

"What Beka? I promise there is nothing romantic between us," I turned to face her, narrowing my eyes. "I'm wondering, why would that bother you, though?"

Rebekah turned away with a dramatic huff. I crossed my arms and tapped my fingers against my elbow — something definitely was bothering her.

"What is it, Beks? After all this time, you should know I won't be angry with you. No matter what it is."

I reached out, and my hand hovered over her shoulder. She spun around her eyes, glassy with unshed tears.

"It's completely insane," She said, shaking her head, "It's just...when I saw you with him...it felt like you were betraying my brother. It's crazy, I know! I honestly don't even care if you do. It's just... your relationship with him gives me hope, and deep down I wish you two could work it out." she looked at her feet, then shrugged sheepishly, "Even though I know that is impossible..." she added, her voice cracking.

My heart sank further and further with every word she spoke. It was like hearing all my deepest and darkest thoughts expressed out loud. Should I tell her that I secretly wished for the same thing? That when I'm alone, and there is nothing left to distract me, my thoughts always find him?

"Rebekah, I understand. No man will ever possess my heart the way your brother does — not even Damon. You have nothing to fear, and even though we both know how insane the thought of a relationship between Nik and myself would be, I will never truly give up hope,"

I struggled but somehow managed to hold back my own tears. Rebekah gave me a half-hearted smile and ran her hands over her face with a small shake of her head.

"Okay, okay — enough of that! You have a party to get to, and I should check up on my brothers," she said, with a disgruntled sigh.

I ran my hands down my dress and checked my hair, smiling mirthfully "Okay, give them my love,"

"Yeah, I'll do just that," she laughed.

I gave her a quick nod and smiled at her lovingly. "See ya later Beks,"

I headed down the stairs and found Jeremy in the living room, talking to Matt with a stern look on his face. Oh no, what now?

"Hey, guys. Everything okay?" I asked, tilting my head at them.

Jeremy looked me up and down with a bright smile, his eyes crinkling. He looked so proud, and it made my heart lift and heal after the dark talk with Rebekah.

"Yeah, I was just making sure Matty here knows the rules. Ya know — different sister, different rules," Jeremy said, with a sly grin.

My mouth dropped open. I could feel my cheeks reddening. I opened and closed my mouth like a fish out of water. It wasn't often that I was speechless.

"And I was explaining to Jeremy that this wasn't a date. Just two friends." Matt said, speaking for me when he saw how flabbergasted I was. Always the gentlemen.

I closed my mouth and tried to control my blush as my brother watched me intently, his smile growing at my discomfort.

"He's right, Jer. This is strictly a 'friends' thing." I said, tartly.

Jeremy nodded at us both and slapped Matt, none too gently, on the shoulder.

"Okay, don't stay out too late sis," he said, grinning.

Matt took my arm and led me to the door. I turned partially to see Jeremy over my shoulder and gave him the finger, which only earned me a thumbs up and a loud laugh. When Matt tried to turn around, I pushed him forward and allowed him to open the passenger door of his truck for me.

I thanked him and watched Jeremy laughing at me from the living room window. I pulled my phone from my clutch and sent him a series of hateful texts, full of colorful language. I watched him receive them as Matt joined me in the car.

I grinned smugly as he quickly stepped away from the window, eyes wide. I leaned back in my seat as Matt pulled out of the driveway and down the street. I watched the scenery pass by with a genuine smile on my face.

The driveway of Lockwood Mansion was packed full of cars as we pulled up. I leaned forward and looked at all of the people piling out of their vehicles and heading inside. I could see Elena and Stefan heading through the door as a man approached the driver's side window. He told Matt to pull up closer to the house, so the Valet could park his truck for him.

"You ready for this?" I asked.

His face was slowly losing color — he wasn't much for this kind of thing, and I felt sorry for him. But he was under the Petrova spell and couldn't help but want to be around Elena.

"Yeah..." he quietly said.

I allowed the Valet to open my door, and I carefully hopped out. I looked up at the beautiful brick house adorned with white pillars and fought back the memories associated with the last time I had been here. Thankfully, Matt ignored my pink cheeks as he fixed his black suit. Gently taking my arm, he led me inside.

"Let's do this," he whispered to me as we passed through the massive front doors.

The entryway was packed full of guests and waiters alike. A tray of champagne was in front of us, and I reached towards it, pulling away two glasses. I handed one to Matt.

"Drink quickly before we come across Sheriff Forbes, "I joked.

I almost spit out the tart liquid when he started chugging his down. He really didn't want to be here.

I could see Elena and Stefan looking at a display a few feet in front of us and pushed Matt away from them and towards Caroline, who was picking at a plate of food she held. I took his empty glass and sat it on a passing tray.

"Here, talk to Care for a bit. I'm gonna find Elena,"

He tried to object, but I wanted to warn Elena that we were here so she could keep the PDA to a minimum. I didn't want Matt hurting any more than necessary. I pushed through the crowd and grabbed myself another drink. I sipped slowly when I came upon Elena and Stefan.

"Your parents?" Stefan asked her.

Elena shook her head a melancholic expression on her face.

"There's a lot of history here," she said, taking a glass of champagne from a server.

I stepped beside them and noticed our parents wedding set inside the display case. A wave of memories passed through my mind, and I placed my hand on Elena's shoulder. She jumped slightly, the gesture pulling her from her thoughts. Once she realized it was me, she put her head on my shoulder as we both lived within our memories for a moment.

After a few minutes, Elena headed to the next display, and I followed closely behind her with Stefan in tow.

"Hey, Elena. I wanted to let you know I came with Matt," I started, as she read the old Founders registry.

Her head snapped towards me for a moment, pure shock on her face.

"Oh...well..." she started before someone behind me caught her attention.

"So, the oldest Gilbert twin and Matty blue eyes. Ya know, I didn't peg you as the type to go after your sister's ex," the voice, one I recognized instantly, said from behind me.

I growled quietly and turned to face Damon Salvatore.

"Hello, Damon," I plainly said.

I tried to avoid his crystal gaze but couldn't help being drawn in. His eyes were clouded and expressionless. Something was bothering him.

"So, you and Matt?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes and repositioned myself to face my sister.

"It's not like that, Lena. He texted me and asked if I would join him as a friend. I wanted to let you know so you and Stefan could keep things G rated, for Matt's sake," I explained.

Her eyebrows raised, and she placed a hand on her hip.

"And since when do you care how Matt feels?" she asked.

I rubbed my forehead and tried to keep myself calm. My sister seriously knew how to push my buttons. I downed the rest of my champagne in one swift gulp.

"I've always liked Matt... Just be kind, okay?"

Damon took the glass from my hand when I tried to snag another. I grumbled at him and pushed past the small group to find Matt and Caroline. Once I was out of Damon's line of sight, I grabbed another glass and stood next to Caroline. She was talking to Matt about her mom. I listened in to their conversation until Caroline excused herself and made her way to Damon's side.

I followed her and was just in time to hear her ask Stefan to dance. She led him to the dance floor, and Damon used the opportunity to make his move. I had to admit, I was starting to become ready for Katherine's return.

Maybe after he realized Katherine was safe, and that she was never in the tomb, he would finally leave Elena alone. Hopefully, the big reveal will get the Petrova's out of his system.

I stepped to the side, just out of sight, to listen to their conversation.

"I want to apologize to you for being such a world-class jerk the other night when I tried to kiss you. There's no excuse. My therapist says I'm...acting out, trying to punish Stefan," he said.

When had Damon tried to kiss her? I felt anger stir in my stomach and tried to ignore it. I wasn't jealous, was I?

I rolled my eyes and continued to drink my champagne, it would be her own fault if she fell for his bullshit. I hoped she was smart enough to see through it.

"For what?" Elena asked him.

He inched closer to her without drawing attention to it.

"It's all in the past. I don't even want to bring it up. Let's just say that the men in the Salvatore family have been cursed with sibling rivalry. And it all started with the original Salvatore brothers," he told her a very fake, sad tone to his voice.

I turned my head to find Stefan and Caroline, who were both still dancing together. He was whispering something in her ear. I decided to leave Damon to his petty lies and save Stefan from an overly bubbly Caroline.

I set my glass down on the small silver table beside me and walked onto the dance floor. I swayed my way to them and stopped beside Caroline.

"Hey Chicka, mind if I cut in?" I said.

She looked past me to see Damon still preoccupied with Elena.

"Sure, Ellie," she said.

I switched places with her, and Stefan placed his hand on my hip. He allowed me to put one of my hands on his shoulder, and my other arm around his neck. A new song began to play, and I smiled at the choice. It was one of my favorites — Shut Up and Dance, by WALK THE MOON. We began to move as the first verse started. I looked past Stefan and watched Elena and Damon, who were still talking by the display cases.

"Thanks for rescuing me. I think Damon asked Caroline to pull me away so he could talk to Elena," Stefan said.

I gave him a coy smile. "I think your right. He was talking to Elena about the original Salvatore Brothers," I said.

Stefan's face fell for a moment before he controlled his reaction. "So that's his plan," he said flatly.

We continued to move across the dance floor, both of us dancing as if it were as natural as breathing. To us, it actually was — we'd had centuries of practice.

"You shouldn't have to worry about Caroline much. I made sure she had a nice supply of vervain," I said, as I twirled about. "Although, before I dosed her, he compelled her to have no fear, so that's something we'll have to deal with,"

We danced past Matt, and I sent him an apologetic wave. I didn't want him to feel like I abandoned him for the same person Elena had.

"Well, at least there's that. Isn't there something you can do for her? Using magic, I mean?" he asked.

I frowned and shook my head. "Yeah, but it isn't an option. It's excruciating and could potentially kill her. I'm thinking I wean her off the vervain long enough for him to fix it. Under supervision, of course," I added, quickly.

We started to slow our precession across the floor long enough for Stefan to dip me. I laughed merrily and saw Damon eye us from the other side of the room. Elena sent me a dirty look as he lifted me back against him once more.

"Show off," I laughed.

He shrugged and twirled me around. I giggled and added a few flares of my own to the dance. I lifted my leg and wrapped it around his midsection, allowing him to dip me once again. While I was lowered, Damon approached us. Stefan pulled me back up, and I dropped my leg. I spun behind him and pulled him with me further onto the floor.

Damon was stuck on the other side of the room, blocked by the many people who had joined us. I noticed Stefan was beginning to lose his momentum — as he searched around for Elena. The sympathy I felt for him made my stomach churn. He was always on duty, I couldn't remember the last time I saw him genuinely having fun. Yeah, he was enjoying his time with Elena, but he was always on guard and stiff with her. I think the only person I had ever seen him let go with was our old friend Lexi. Someone he wouldn't know I had seen him with, and a friend he didn't exactly know we shared. It was just something that had never come up between us, as Lexi rarely came around. Which was why Stefan so rarely had fun.

I pulled his face in front of mine and gave him my brightest smile.

"Let's have some fun, Stefan," I said, laughing, "Dance with me,"

His eyes lit up as I swayed in front of him, waving my hands out in a 'come hither' fashion. He laughed loudly and started moving with me. I threw my arms up and just gave myself away to the music. It was the most fun I'd had in ages.

He grabbed my hands and held them in the air with his, twirling me around and around. My red hair fanned around us as the lights from above shined brightly with the music. I was laughing hysterically as Stefan gyrated towards me, his eyes shining in the twinkling lights. His face was full of joy and laughter. It was a refreshing difference, and I was glad that for just this small moment, I helped him forget who and what he was.

I saw Damon and Elena make their way through the crowd and knew our fun was over. I leaned against Stefan and whispered in his ear.

"The fun's over. I think we're in trouble. Thank you for dancing with me," I said, pulling away.

His face fell, and he leaned into me.

"No, thank you," he said simply.

As he pulled away, the song ended, and the fun suckers had joined us.

"Looks like you guys were having a blast," Damon said, his eyes flashing irritably.

I ignored his hateful tone and forced a smile for Elena.

"You have to get Stefan to dance more. He's a great dancer," I laughed.

I pulled her beside me as a new song played. She shrugged me off and frowned.

"I think we should go, El. It's getting late,"

I huffed and looked around me for Matt. Unfortunately, I couldn't see him.

"Okay, party pooper. I'm gonna look for Matt,"

As I pushed my way through the crowd, I could feel someone following me. I ignored them; instead, I continued looking around for Matt. Of course, he must have seen me with Stefan and decided to leave. I stood by the front door and debated my options. I really didn't want to go with Elena and Stefan — being the third wheel is never fun.

"Matty leave ya behind?" Damon asked from behind me.

I ground my teeth together and turned towards him.

"Yeah, looks like it. You wouldn't mind giving me a lift, would ya?" I asked exasperatedly.

I hated myself for asking. After I had found out Damon had made a move on my sister, he was the last person I wanted to be alone with.

"Sure, I can't just leave you to fend for yourself, now can I?" he said, smirking

I bit my tongue and started outside, sending Elena a text that I was on my way home. I stood beside his car until he unlocked it and then slipped inside. The driver's door opened, and he was seated before I could blink.

Stupid Vampire speed.

I turned on the air and sat back as he pulled out of the Lockwood's driveway. The tension in the air was thick, and I hated the awkwardness of it.

"So, since when are you and my brother buddy-buddy. Was it not his fault you died in our time?"

His tone was laced with venom. I closed my eyes and let out the breath I had been holding in.

"That was not his fault, and you know it. Your brother and I are on friendly speaking terms, and we were just dancing. I'm surprised you even noticed, with how enamored you are by my sister," I spat back.

His brows furrowed and his grip on the steering wheel tightened, causing his knuckles to go white.

"That wasn't what it looked like," he grumbled through clenched teeth.

I couldn't help the sarcastic laugh that escaped.

"So, the kiss you tried to share with her, was accidental than?"

I couldn't believe he was trying to tell me he had no feelings for Elena. He looked at me in surprise. Obviously, he hadn't known I had heard them.

"That was a mistake. One that won't happen again," Damon said softly.

I avoided his gaze and looked out my window.

"What you do with Lena isn't my business. You are free to try for her affection if you want. But I'm telling you right now, she is more like Katherine than either of you realize. This will not end well," I said, finally meeting his gaze.

His blue eyes were emotionless, and I hated the fact that he looked as lifeless as Stefan had. I could still remember how full of life they had once been. Katherine really had destroyed not only their relationship but their souls as well.

The car pulled up beside my house, and he shut off the engine.

"What happened to us, Elandra?" he whispered.

I kept my eyes on the house beside us.

"I don't know. We are both different people now. You fell in love with Katherine, and her love not only changed you but everything and everyone around you. We can't go back to how we used to be, Damon,"

"I really am sorry, El. I never wanted any of this to happen. I need you to know that I still love you, in spite of it all," he said.

I looked at his face and found nothing but the truth his words held, and I knew that a part of me still loved him.

"I know. I still love you too, but that doesn't change anything. You still love Katherine, and you have feelings for Elena. I can't and won't be a backup." I said.

His face filled with regret. "I wouldn't ask you to be," he said.

I opened my door and looked back at him one last time.

"Can we be friends? As cliche as that sounds." I asked, with a small smile.

He gave me his signature smirk.

"Yeah, you won't get rid of me that easily," he said.

I shook my head at him and got out of the car. I closed the door and leaned into the window.

"Of course not. Life without you? How boring," I said, with my own smirk. "Goodnight, Damon."

He smiled back at me, nodding.

"Goodnight, Elandra."

[all-of-the-imagines-for-eve]

Fix You ~ Sweet Pea (Part One)

A/n: Little Sweet Pea fluff to help get my mental mojo jamming again so I can get over this bump in the road and finish Tattoo. Enjoy and sorry for the super long delay! I’m also sorry I can never just do one part? Like, fuck, wow.

Word Count: 3200+

When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep- Stuck in reverse...

Stepping back in surprise, I looked at up at the blonde woman before me in utter shock. "I've... done... everything you asked," I whispered. My eyes watered as she scoffed, shaking her head.

The woman smirked. "I already told you, sweets. You're not going to make it here. You'll always be scum. Don't ever forget it." And then she turned around and walked away and I sat there, the entire diner looking at me. A part of them looked at me in pity; a part looked at me with cruel smiles of sick satisfaction painted on their faces; some didn't look at all, staring at their food and pretending not to have heard all of what just happened while they over focused on their food. Swallowing, I turned around and moved to the door to leave.

It felt like I was moving through honey, the world seeming to slow and stretch and the moment of absolute horror stretched on mercilessly. Even when I was out of the diner, I still felt my eyes stay wide and on my feet, my body rigid and awkward and my chest constricted. My throat was clogged as well and my hands shook as my head swam with one word over and over again.

Scum. Scum. Scum. Scum.

A horn honked and I finally looked up, blinking as I stared at the person driving the car that had swerved around the corner and screeched to a halt as I stepped out into the street without even realizing or noticing. We made eye contact and the anger on the woman's face turned into shock at my dead expression. We stared at each other for a solid five seconds before I looked away and kept walking. The car door opened though and I looked over slowly again to see that on the passenger's side, there was a girl that looked like the woman who had been driving. Younger but similar. Maybe her daughter.

The girl was blonde like the waitress, but her face was soft and inviting and her smile was warm and friendly. Her eyes were alive with life and those nuances made all of the difference. This girl I could trust. I didn't know how I knew, but I did. She approached me slowly, tilting her head, her mother's car still in the street. "Are you okay?"

I wanted to lie. I always lied. It wasn't hard for me to do. Usually I could conjure a fake smile that seemed real and the nasty words that were dripping with falsehood fell from my mouth with ease. "No." Today was different, though.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

We were still standing in the middle of the road and I was waiting for her to take my arm and guide me away or move to the sidewalk and expect me to follow as I subconsciously would. But she just stood there with me, and I really appreciated it. "I'm not new in town per say," I offered awkwardly. "I mean, I grew up in Riverdale. But, on the South Side. About three months ago my mom... became impossible to live with. So I've moved in with my dad, on the North Side. I was trying to get a job..." I looked back at Pop's, my stomach turning.

The girl reached out for my hand and I looked back at her at the feeling of contact. "What happened?"

A silent sigh rolled through me, dragging at my body. "The lady who runs it told me to get out. I told her about the cleaning jobs I used to do at the White Wyrm, kind of the only job I had back at home. It was all I could put on my resume. Said I was Serpent scum and told me to get out."

Shock hit the girl like a freight train and her head jarred. "Uh..." She didn't seem to know where to begin with that one. "Woman?" she finally managed.

Nodding, I tilted my head back towards Pop's. "The blonde. Missy."

Anger took over the girl's face. She looked at her mom, nodded, and then began walking towards Pop's. Still holding my hand, she simply dragged me after her. I stumbled to keep up, watching her mother drive away after shaking her head.

When we entered the joint, all the people who had been there before were still here. It seemed like at least some of them would have left by now, but no. The two of us walked in and they all looked over, eyes landing on the girl with a warm familiarity and then moving to me with a cascade of confusing emotions. Stress. Shock. Guilt. Confusion. Disgust. Anger. Fear. Curiosity.

Missy was cleaning a counter when the bell above the door went off. The older woman looked up. She saw the blonde girl - whose name I still didn't know - and her face broke into a smile. I was positioned just so that I wasn't yet noticed from where she stood. "Betty!" The woman gushed, putting her rag down on the counter. "What has you wound up, Dear? I bet a good sit down and a shake will-"

Betty - now I knew her name! - pulled me forward, lifting my hand as if I was a piece of evidence. Missy's smile instantly fell away and the tension in the room increased infinitely. Missy looked at me, suddenly nervous, and I was weirdly empowered by the presence of the girl I had quite literally JUST met. "I want to speak to the ONLY person allowed to turn her away," Betty snapped. "Where's Pop?"

That day, I got a job and a new friend.

Not long after that, Betty introduced me to Jughead. The two of us took up immediately, especially once I explained about my past a bit. When Jughead told me he was a Serpent, I told him about my minimal dealing with the gang. Just cleaning up after them for a bit of side cash, really. I usually kept my head down a work and school so very few Serpents if any at all knew my face well enough to place it with a name if asked. He wanted to test that theory and introduced me to his... associates. Toni and him were friends, but Fangs seemed to be passively pleased by his presence only. Sweetpea on the other hand openly detested the Jones boy.

After it was proven that none of them properly recognized me, the trio of long-time Serpents actually attempted to hang out with me more. When Riverdale North Side ended up being too peppy and bright for me, I ended up moving in with Jughead, promising jokingly that I'd keep it clean and regularly cook for the teenage boy. When FP came back, he didn't even acknowledge me as anything except part of the house.

So I guess, in a way, it was all thanks to a feisty blonde who believe that injustice should never be left alone that I now had a stable home, someone I considered a brother and his father who treated me like a daughter, and still managed to keep a proper job. Thanks to her that I had friends who would always have my back and a weirdly positive balance between the North and South Sides of Riverdale. Between my new family, friends, school, and work, it all seemed to come together into this unexpectedly tight knit community. I loved it.

What took everyone by surprise was how well I instantly connected with Sweet Pea.

It wasn't perfect, but it took maybe a week for us to become completely inseparable. He walked me everywhere. From home to school and between classes and from school to work and then from work to home and then repeat, every day. He sat next to me at lunch and we went back and forth with jokes and quips the entire time, cracking each other up. I helped him with homework and tutored him and stood up for him against shit heads who thought they knew and understood things they could never even begin to imagine. He never had a problem with me like he did Jughead. Something about me being too small and innocent and nice...

A few months after we became really close, things started to shift. He would carry my books or hug me more often. Touch me more in general. Legs or arms, brushing too often for it all to be accidental. Lingering hugs and kisses on the forehead or cheek or the back of the hand just to be dorks. Putting his arm around my shoulder all the time. Pulling me onto his lap any time there was even half a problem about where I would sit. And then it stepped up one night when he put his jacket around my shoulders, telling me to wear it because I looked cold. To spare his dignity at the overly obvious flirt, I discreetly took off my sweater so I wouldn't suffocate to death and put the jacket on.

Eventually Cheryl pointed out what we were both tip toeing around. "You know you're like totally into each other, right?"

Sweet Pea and I had exchanged a look and a shrug as he put his arm around me. "Yeah."

I'd smiled. "Hey, wanna date me, Sweets?"

"Stole my thunder!" He accused, acting mock offended. I'd never seen him not be fairly at ease - unless shit was going down and Pea got hard core and serious - but I'd heard that he was really edgy and angry and gruff before I'd come along and smoothed his edges. Think about him becoming this light, happy boy with me made me enjoy moments like all the more. I grinned as he put an arm around me, pulling me closer and planting his lips on my forehead. "I suppose I will though. I'm so boyfriend material."

And then, in the span of a few months, I'd gone from the girl that kept her head down as I avoided gangs and the trouble they caused, getting by and fending for myself, to a girl with a brother and a boyfriend and best friends- all who had my back until death did us part. And, in return, I was there for them too.

The meaning of having someone didn't really hit me until I told Sweet Pea about the story of how Betty and I met. We were sitting in his bed and he pulled me close, my back to his chest, and kissed the top of my head. It was early in the morning and I was emotional about how unnecessarily hard life was for people like us. "If anything like that ever happens again, I'll be there for you," he whispered.

"When," was all I said.

He shifted. "What?"

Looking up at him with a blank expression, I shrugged. "When it happens again."

His face grew very sad and then twisted with pain, getting more into an emotional agony. "When it happens, I'll be there for you."

And he was.

He was there for me when I busted my ass to get the partner I wanted in chemistry because I thought she was smart and hard working like I was, only to prove herself to be a bitch who enjoyed manipulating people and getting close to them only to expose their secrets. He was there for me when school and work combined got too much and I stumbled into his trailer - which at some point I had started coming to instead of the Jones' - and collapsed in his arms and he carried me to bed and I stared at the ceiling, unable to move or speak but also unable to fall asleep. He was there when I had nightmares about my mom's house and woke up screaming, or when I thought about the Ghoulies getting to me or losing him in the serious situations lurking just outside of our perfect bubble of warm safety and complete happiness. He was always there.

I had never had someone keep a promise so perfectly.

I found myself working harder, becoming better. Doing more and being there for him in every way he'd let me and more. Eventually we both found a good place in our relationship and it kind fo took off. We found a pattern and stuck to it.

And something magical began happening. All the piece of me that had forever been scattered and broken started to be collected. Days turned to weeks turned to months and suddenly Sweet Pea and I were telling each other we loved each other and he kissed me and I felt so safe and complete and... whole.

The impossible had happened.

I was happy. I was learning to get over all of the things that dragged me down. The anxiety and self doubt and insecurities and past that had wrecked me. It was all becoming meaningless and the future was wonderfully filled with shining hope.

He was... fixing me.

And the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse?

We were fighting again.

It seemed that's all we did recently. Fight fight fight fight.

Fight about how between work and school and his gang involvement we had no time together anymore. Fighting about what to have for dinner or curfew or who I was hanging out with or who was lingering around him. Fighting about Fangs or Toni or Jughead or Betty or Cheryl or Veronica or Archie or Kevin. Fighting about how I had North and South Side friends. Fighting about how close I was with Jughead, Betty, Veronica, and Kevin when they were all morons who hated us and treated us like garbage. Fighting about whether or not to trust Jughead. Fighting about whether or not to trust Betty. Fighting about Archie and Reggie, who were usually pretty moronic and could be complete assholes but also had a good side that he just wouldn't see and I wouldn't give up on. Fighting about what I was was wearing or why he was gone all the time, coming back beat up and wrecked. Fighting fighting fighting fighting.

One night, Sweet Pea had had enough. "You know what if you have SUCH a problem with the way I lead my life, then maybe you shouldn't be apart of it."

Pain like I had never felt before flared in my chest but my response was to cover it with anger. Exhaustion and hurt like none other coursed through me and all I could manage to say was, "If the way you lead your life is more important than our relationship, then I don't WANT to be apart of it!"

For the first time in our relationship, Sweet Pea looked at me with raging anger and the same seriousness and hardness and roughness I was sure everyone had meant when they talked about how he was before me. "Fine then! Leave."

"Gladly!" I roared. "I'll be back for my stuff- in the morning." the words caught in my throat and Sweet Pea's face suddenly grew incredibly soft as his pain overwhelmed his anger. But I was still angry. I was still tired and emotionally physically exhausted from school and work and this fight that had taken up too much of my sleep already and had been taking up too much of my sleep for weeks now. I grabbed the sweater I had been wearing when I came in from the arm of the couch, where'd I'd put it when I'd taken it off. Then I turned and left, leaving Sweet Pea alone.

Unsure where to go for a second, I left the trailer, got far enough that Sweet Pea wouldn't be able to see me anymore, and then looked around. Only once I spotted the other familiar trailer did I realize my feet had taken me to the only place other than Sweetpea’s I had ever truly called home - the Jones' place.

Nerves filled my stomach as I approached the door at two in the morning, exhausted and finally lacking anger- which was quickly turning into agony that gathered in my eyes and threatened to spill over.

I think Sweet Pea and I had just broken up...

The door, to my surprise, opened. There stood a wary FP Jones, who instantly went into soft, protective dad mode when he saw my pre-crying state. "Y/n?" he whispered, eyes wide with worry. "Come in, come on." He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me inside before closing the door. Like a moron I started crying as images and memories flashed through my brain because Sweet Pea used to do that all the time.

I was a pathetic mess.

That thought made my cry harder.

Attempting to stay quiet, I covered my mouth to muffle my sobs, but either Jughead was a light sleeper, he had been awake, I was louder than I thought because suddenly Jughead was in front of me, his concerned eyes matching the expression his dad still wore. FP sat to one side of me as Jug sat to the other. The younger Jones put an around around my waist, pulling me against him. I rested my head on his shoulder, curling into his side as I sobbed hysterically. I dropped my hand and just let it all out. It was pointless to try and muffle it or cover it now.

The insanity of the constant business and lack of sleep. The fear and frustration of losing Sweet Pea but also fighting with him all the time about every little damned thing. The thought that maybe it was a good thing we'd broken up. Wondering if we really had broken up? If it was official. It was all getting to me.

A shocking realization made it hard to breathe and finally I managed to stop crying long enough to wheeze out, "Jug, I... I really love him." We'd said it before and I knew for a while, but now it really hit me. When I was mad and hurt and all I craved was him. When I wasn't busy and he wasn't readily available. When we weren't in a good place and everything was falling apart. When it wasn't good and easy and simple. I still loved him. I loved him when I wanted to hate him. I loved him when I was mad at him and I wanted him when the very sight of his face made me want to start throwing fists. The times when I hated him so much because he had so much of me that he could break and hurt me so easily. Without trying. Without meaning to. I had spent nights imagining a future where we were married and had started a family and vowed to grow old together.

I loved him with a love that never really went away or faded or dimmed. Only changed. The kind that killed you slowly by giving you so much life you overloaded. The kind that drove you crazy and made you jump off of metaphorical - and very literal - cliffs. The kind that made you reckless and irrational. The kind that made you strong and stand straighter and the kind that broke you down until you were nothing. The kind that exposed and then protected you. The kind that changed you. The kind that lasted and stuck in your mind and heart and the very engravings in your soul, forever. The kind that made men become slaves to alcohol and women subject to endless tears. The kind that prompted overwhelmingly passionate poems and songs and exclamations. I LOVED him.

With shaking hands, I added, "I love him with all of me that I will ever have to love with. And it was all for nothing. I'm going to lose him."

Jughead looked at me a long time. He didn’t have an questions anymore, and maybe the easy way he recognized that Sweetpea and I were falling apart was even worse than having to explain everything that happened. It was even worse when he seemed broken for me, only managed to offer a weak, “I'm sorry."

That was when I knew for sure. Jughead didn't even try to think of something to say to make any of it better, and that was when I knew it wouldn't be. I was going to lose Sweet Pea and that was the end of it.

-

forever tag: @iwannadiehere 

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Choose me, pt. 11 (G.D.)

Summary: Grayson keeps his plans going as Y/N spends a day with Harry. After a simple question, things take a darker turn.

Warnings: angsty fluff, indications of violence, swearing

Word count: 1560

Choose Me - Series Masterlist

The sound of my doorbell woke me up. I tried to ignore it, but whoever it was seemed to be very persistent. Groaning, I got up and opened the door. A very eager looking man with a huge bouquet of wild flowers greeted me and I almost slapped the smile off his face.

„Special delivery for Mr. (Y/L/N)!“

„From who?“ I groggily asked rubbing my eyes.

„The same man who said I should keep ringing until you opened the door!“ He chuckled and I rolled my eyes.

„Fine. Give it.“ I took the flowers and sent the man on his merry way.

I placed the bouquet on my kitchen island and watched how it was carefully put together. The flowers were arranged in rainbow colors, their scent filled the room and I couldn't help but smile. I saw a piece of white paper sticking out and just as I grabbed it, my phone rang.

„Yellow?“ I picked up the phone and got a chuckle in return.

„Can't believe you still pick up the phone like that!“ Grayson teased and I rolled my eyes playfully as my lips curved up in a small smile.

„Deal with it!“ I sassed back.

„Got my gift?“ He questioned and I pursed my lips.

„Should have know it was you. No one else knows I claim rainbows as my favorite color.“ I sighed, trying to untie a small red ribbon off the note.

„Did you read the note?“ Grayson's voice was light, laced with excitement.

„I'm trying to open it now.“ I responded with a small grunt and he laughed.

„It's supposed to be a note that will leave you looking like a beautiful blushing mess.“ Grayson teased and I shook my head lightly as my smile became a little wider.

„So sure of yourself? Are we?“ I leaned in to smell the flowers, enjoying the way it took me back to nature and meadows, relaxing me instantly.

„You know it! I'll see you later (Y/L/N)!“ Grayson hung up before I could respond.

I ripped of the ribbon and unfolded the note as quickly as possible.

„Your beauty is divine, you laugh my favorite sound.

The way you make me feel is simply too profound.

I wish you'd forgive me for being so blind,

But I hope you know I always had you on my mind.

I'm just a clueless teenager,

But you my dear are a fucking force of nature!“

- Yours truly, Grayson xx

Oh my God! He wrote a poem for me? He wrote a poem for me. HE WROTE A POEM FOR ME! How does he keep doing this to me? He's not trying to kill me anymore, this has been my funeral! How the f...How... Oh GOD!

From: Harry

Gonna pick you up in 15.

Shit! I forgot! I ran around and grabbed the first thing I could find to make myself look somewhat decent. I kicked Grayson's clothes under the bed and hid his poem under my pillow. I heard a honk and ran out with a fake smile on my face.

Without a warning Harry pushed his lips on mine, pulling me into his chest a little harshly. I used my hands to give him a gentle push, hoping he'd back off. Thankfully, he got the message and pulled away.

„Something wrong?“ He asked, his face emotionless.

„I kinda just woke up and this is a bit too hot and heavy for me.“ I lied and he nodded.

„I can see I got you all flushed babe! You're so red!“ He pinched my cheek as he grinned proudly. I guess Grayson's poem really did work, I knew I wasn't flustered because of this kiss. Not one bit.

„Yeah! You know I lose my mind when I’m around you!“ I added, egging him on so he wouldn't be so on edge whenever I talked about the guys.

„Just what I like to hear! I'm taking you on an adventure today!“ Harry said as he opened the door for me.

„Where?“ I questioned as curiosity kicked in.

„Remember that fair you talked about?“ I nodded in response.

„I'm taking you there, right now!“ Harry was clearly trying to make up for last night and I clapped my hands in excitement.

The whole day was spent in a very romantic way. We'd go on rides and make out half the time. Harry even won some stuffed animals for me on a few games. He was really good with them, especially with gun related ones.

„Where did you learn to shoot like that?“ I questioned as he interlaced our fingers together.

„You know I've been hunting with my dad since I was like 7.“ Harry admitted and I turned to him in horror.

„You killed innocent little fluff balls?“ I almost whimpered.

„It's fun.“ Harry smiled while I shook my head.

„It doesn't sound fun to me.“ I let go of his hand and went ahead of him.

„Come on! It's not a big deal! They're just animals.“ He tried to take my hand again, but I ripped it out of his grasp.

„It's not fun to kill creatures unless it's essential to your survival!“ I spat and he rolled his eyes, clicking his tongue. I was seeing a different side to Harry and I didn't like it one bit.

„You're either the hunter or the pray! I prefer to hunt over being hunted, babe.“ He replied nonchalantly like it didn't touch him at all.

„Wow...I wanna go. NOW!“ I ordered.

We drove back in silence and I couldn't even look at him. I believe that someone's ability to feel for those who cannot help themselves is a big sign of who that person is inside. Empathy and compassion are important...how you treat those inferior to you IS IMPORTANT. Animals are unable to fend for themselves against a gun and I hated people who thought killing them like that was fun. I considered it to be sociopathic. If it came down to survival and you needed to hunt for food....okay...but for fun? What? Do you enjoy seeing others in pain? You enjoy hurting others? It might sound ridiculous, but I always think about how that animal might be a mom or a dad to a bunch of cubs and how they might be out there looking for food to feed their young ones. I think about how their babies wouldn't understand where their parents left...I think about how they will die alone in the wilderness. So, yeah...I had a problem with hunting for fun.

„Stop here.“ I ordered and he did.

„Why are we stopping here?“ He questioned as he gripped the steering wheel.

„Because I'm going to see my best friends.“ I replied. Their house was a ten minute walk from this street and I couldn’t be around Harry for one more minute.

„Again with those two?! Do you ever hang out with girls?“ He spat and I turned to meet his angry gaze.

„They are my best friends! I love them and I'm going! You can't stop me!“ I walked out of the car, slamming the door behind me. Harry followed my suit and soon he was outside, running after me.

„You're a liar!“ He accused and I spun around on my heel.

„And you're a murderer!“ I shouted without thinking. I covered my mouth in shock as he stomped to me. He grabbed my shoulders roughly, shaking me like I was a leaf in the wind.

„You are in love with him! I know you are! You cheated on me!“ His grip on me grew tighter as my fear skyrocketed.

„I didn't!“ I stammered out and he pushed me back so hard I fell to the ground. The pain of hitting the warm pavement didn’t make me flinch, but the way he was behaving had me trembling in fear.

„THEN WHAT IS THIS!“ He stuck his phone in my face and I held my breath once I realized what he was showing me.

There was a photo of Grayson and I kissing last night and it was plastered all over social media. I didn't know who posted it or why...how they even got the photo, but I suspected it was the same person who took that video.

„I'm sorry.“ I whispered, scared of what he might do. Harry crouched down and put a finger on my chin, lifting it so he could look into my eyes.

„Oh, but I forgive you.“ He said sweetly. „However, if you keep seeing him, you'll find out just how good I am with a gun.“ He whispered and I jumped back in disbelief.

„I don't give a fuck! I'm done with you! Stay away from me or I'll call the police!“ I ran away as fast as I could, not looking back. I got to their house and pounded on the door like crazy.

„Woah, woah.“ Grayson opened the door and I fell into his open arms, sobbing and shaking, clutching to him and his warmth to help ease the cold that had set inside my veins.

„What happened? Y/N? Talk to me?“ He cupped my face and wiped away my tears. I couldn't speak, but my eyes told him everything he needed to know at that moment. I needed him and that's all it took for him to wrap his arms around me.

[munofsilver]

Akumatized AU Charpter 10

Rogercop reporting for duty. I just had to. Ao3 link. 

“My bag. My bracelet, but how?” Chloe holds up her bracelet before putting it on. “Roger you found the bracelet,” the mayor said. “Turns out it was in Chloe's bag all along. It must have fallen into a side pocket when that girl trip over it,” I told him my view of things. “Well, Roger I do apologize for being so accusatory and firing you for no good reason.” Hearing the mayor say that makes me feel better for what I did.

“I think Officer Roger has proved is excellency to you, Mr. Mayor. You'll be wrong not to keep him on.” Did Ladybug just defend me? “Of course Ladybug, you're appositely right, and actuality it's Lieutenant Roger now.” I can't believe Mayor just promoted me. I don't understand why. I salute him, “Thank you, Mr. Mayor. I'm proud to be on the force, and I vow to uphold my firm belief that every citizen is innocent until proven guilty.” I've been like that since I started police academy. “Very good. A valuable lesson learned. Right, Chloe.” Mayor glares down at his daughter.

“Yes, Daddy,” she says with a sigh. I feel better but at the same time, I also feel low. I'm not sure I should get promoted. I dare not question the mayor. I just head home. I notice my car is outside and back to normal. That's a shame, I like when it could fly. I make my way home. Checking the time I notice it's still early. I should pick up something for dinner on my way home.

Sabrina was home when I got there. Not surprised she usually home for dinner unless Chloe invited her over, that's rare these days. I'm glad that I can fit through doors better. I'm not as round as I use to be. “I'm home, with dinner,” I call as I enter the kitchen. Sabrina was setting the table. She hugged me once she saw me. “Hi, Dad,” she called.

I hug her in return. Then I place the fried chicken on the table. After dinner, I do the dishes while Sabrina does her homework. I found out years ago that she also does Chloe's homework. As hard as she tries, Sabrina can't hide everything from her father. I did talk to her about it a few years ago. It seems she feels like she needs too.

Work was different, not in a good way. I thought people wouldn't care to have me around cause I got akumatized, but I was wrong. They didn't like that I was promoted. I hear whispers so I try to move closer to hear them. It seems they think since I got promoted from the Mayor it's not a real promotion, or that the only reason I got the promotion because I got akumatized. I never did fit in while around her. People always talk to me behind my back. Before it was my weight, now it's the fake promotion and being akumatized.

I'm very glad I work in the field instead of the office. The less I have to be in here the better. I appear to be wrong. Being out on the field is worse. People I use to talk to now ignore me if they don't move away. I try doing my job, unfortunately, people listen, not because of respect. They do out of fear. I try to think positive.

“Maybe they don't know I'm not under Hawkmoth's control anymore,” I keep telling myself. I just focus on my job. Time to punch out for the day. I see the mayor coming out of the police station. “Why is he there? Was he looking for me?” I watched him while I'm in my car. I just parked when I saw him.

Either he didn't notice me or didn't care, cause he just got in his car and left. When I got in, all the other officers were still the same, at the same time not. They still don't think I deserve the promotion. Even though I was a good officer. Always did my job never accused anyone. Most important is I never thought I was above the law. Reason like those is why officers should get promoted. Can't they see that I got promoted that way instead of because I was akumatized?

Base on the reaction I got from them, I'm going to say no. Maybe if I wasn't akumatized they wouldn't care. I doubt it since it was the mayor that did it. I shrug and ignore the whispers. I'm sure this thing will blow off in a few days. By then everyone would move on or have something new to get upset about.

No one would believe all the drama that people seem to love, or how much of it comes from the police station. I didn't either until I became a police officer. After the day I head home. Sooner than last night, around my usual time. Like usual I return to an empty house. Sabrina won't be home for another hour unless I check my phone.

No new messages. “It seems Sabrina will be home for dinner tonight,” I yawn. I have more stamina now. Not as worn out as I usually am. In fact, I feel like making something for dinner for once. I search the pantry, need to go shopping soon. I can do that tomorrow or Sunday. Since I'm limited to what I can make with both time and ingredients, I make spaghetti with garlic bread.

That was Sabrina's mom favorite. She was a simple woman, that was one of the many things I loved about her. I wonder what she would say if she saw me like this. “Knowing her, she would have marched right down to the mayor's office and yell at him for hours,” I laugh. “Samantha was a wild one. Having a kid didn't calm her wildness,” I sigh remembrance about my late wife.

“Dad, I'm home.” I hear Sabrina call. “Do I smell garlic?” I see her walk in the dining room. I smile with pride, “Welcome home. Now let's eat.” After dinner, Sabrina clears off the table and does the dishes. I ofter to do them since it is my turn. Being her stubborn self she now doing them. She gets that from her mother.

“How was work today?” Sabrina asked. “I had to get a new car cause the one I was assigned two is kind of small for me now. Not to mention that since I was akumatized it hasn't worked right,” I shrugged. “What do you mean hasn't worked right?” Sabrina asked. “It seems like it only wants to start once in a while, and when it does start it speeds off like a rocket. When I got akumatized so did the car, even though it looks normal it's not.” I try to explain the best I can. Right now the car is in the parking lot at the police station. No one dares to go near it.

In the morning I drop Sabrina off at school before I head to work. Once I got there everyone going on about something else, completely forgetting about me. “I knew it,” I whispered. I don't care about what they are going on about, I never did. Sometimes they do go after Ladybug and Cat Noir. Saying they're making the police look bad. I fail to see how. It's not like they are trying to take over our job. It's not like us police officers can take on akuma attacks. “Then again maybe I can,” I say looking at my hands.

[purrtlepuff]

It’s amazing how your mental health can go downhill so fast without a warning. It wasn’t like a “oh I lost my shoe now I’m anxious about where I put it” kind of occurrence, but a multiple bad things this week that happened that snowballed into an avalanche that crashed into and buried me last night.

It started Tuesday evening, though it was rather minor. It was flurrying all day. Nothing we northerners couldn’t handle, but it still made the roads slippy. My car does not do well in anything but sunny... not an exaggeration (but i refuse to get a new car because I love the dumb toaster of a thing ok). 

So my dad picked me up on his way home from work to go to their house for supper with the promise of bringing me home. No big deal; he’s done it before. 

Problem was, the snow got a little worse. When he asked if I still wanted to go home, I said yes. My mom voiced how dumb it was and that I should just stay there instead of making my dad drive out to my house. However, my dad’s from New York, so 2 inches of snow was no big deal to him.

We got up to my house without any problems. The roads weren’t great, but they weren’t horrid. The scenery was beautiful! Anyway, I asked him to call me when he got home, and he agreed. So I’m waiting by the phone, because all I can think about is my mom’s words about my dad getting into an accident. And I’m waiting. And I know it should only take 15-20 minutes driving slow. Still no call after 30 minutes.

I messaged my sister nearly in tears and hoping he was home. Turns out he got home safely and went for a shower, forgetting to call. No big deal, crisis averted. I still didn’t sleep much that night, because my brain was still set in panic mode.

The next day, the roads are horrible. It was colder than before, and the wind kept blowing everything I just shoveled back onto my driveway (gotta dab on that wind I guess). 

Anyway, my boss called me up at 9:30 and asked if I could be in to work in an hour. At this point, I still had a lot of driveway to go and unknown road conditions. Reluctantly, I agreed, because I knew she wouldn’t call me unless she needed me.

So I’m anger shoveling my driveway, because I’m tired and I really don’t want to drive on these roads, especially because I don’t want to face my mom when she finds out I agreed. It did wonders, because I nearly cleared 4 inches of deep snow off my 100 foot driveway in about 30 minutes solo. (i’m gonna be so good at hugging!). And guess what? My boss calls me up and says I’m no longer needed, and we have a good laugh about how she got me to get up and exercise.

Well, I only have a little more to shovel, so I figure I’ll stay outside and finish it. Maybe do my aunt’s driveway too, because now I’m more frustrated than mad and need something to do.

And as I’m shoveling, my Aunt calls out her window that my mom was trying to get a hold of me. I politely thanked her and went back in my house. You’d think I’d been missing for 3 days with the way my mom handled it. (she could’ve just called my cell like my boss but never did oh well) And again, she indirectly reminded me why I have anxiety in the first place.

Welp, now my day’s off to a really bad start, I’m tired, I have nothing to do, and I just want today to be over already. I should’ve napped, but I couldn’t.

There was also some drama in groups I’m involved in. I won’t tell you who, but there were some nasty words being thrown about. Already in a bad mood, I didn’t feel safe enough voicing my usual mediator opinions. So I just... left it be. 

It got worse and worse, and I felt all I could do was watch. I didn’t want to take any unnecessary pent up feelings out on the group. That’s not fair to them. So I put the group on mute and tried to distract myself with other friends.

And later that night, that’s when Mark’s insanity came through. Now, I had a good time with it at first. I thought it was a weird little thing to get the community going. A few of my friends even joined in on it and sent me the messages (and I got to meet someone off anon for the first time <3) I even set up a sort of refugee place for people to go to, as like a joke, so they’d feel safe from the demons.

However a few of my friends... they didn’t take it as a joke. In fact, it actually scared them. I was rather sympathetic and inviting, or at least I hoped so, and reassured them it was all just a game and it will blow over soon.

I was worried for them, but at least I actually got sleep.

Then yesterday, something happened that I saw coming. One of our families was going through a divorce... a really nasty one... with a really nasty parent. I don’t want to overshare, but I was given instructions on what to do if the parent ever came in for their kids. I mean, it’s not unusual to have court orders on which parent can and can’t have a child on a specific day, but this one... this one actually scared me.

It still scares me.

Anyway, I hoped to anyone up above that my social media sites were under control. I needed that PMA so bad. However, I was unsuprised to find it got worse... much worse. I was actually disgusted worse. My whole dash was nothing but yelling, accusations, and just plain meanness. Nothing I wanted to see. 

I still thank the anon that sent the positivity message. You were a hero last night. 

However, soon after I posted my discontent with the fandom, I got a chilling anon message. I don’t think they were part of the cult, because they were on anon, but it set me over the edge. 

I blocked and deleted the message. I turned off asks, and still have them off because I’m too afraid to turn them back on, and logged off for the night. I barricaded myself in my house, locking even my basement door and propping chairs against them, hid keys, and slept with a knife beside my bed.

I didn’t sleep at all. I kept waking up at every little noise in my house. I’ve never been that afraid in my life. And I’m sure it was just someone being an asshole, but knowing that information about me... what if they knew more? What if they knew where I worked? What if they showed up at my school? Would they do worse? What if they couldn’t get at me and instead went after my neighbors? My thoughts just kept getting worse and worse.

Today... today was one of the most exhausting yet uplifiting days I think I’ve had in my life. I mean, I’ve always been thankful to have my job, but today I was godawful thankful to have my job. It was like an 8 hour therapy session. I’m so thankful and lucky to do what I do and work with the people I work with.

Edit: A minor note on this above part... I feel rather stupid now. Apparently a friend sent me an anon message asking about the event, and they used my first name by accident instead of my middle name. That’s what freaked me out. |D

It was worded like “What the fuck’s up with this Mark stuff [my real name]” and I just... |D It fried my brain. We cleared the air about it now, thankfully, but it still bugs me I reacted this way. All because I read a post about someone getting doxxed (which is FLIPPING FAKE THANKS FOR SENDING ME OVER THE EDGE FOR NO REASON YA JERK)

I’m still not at my 100%. I still feel like I’m just existing, and that’s it. I’m hoping to feel better tomorrow, because it’s the weekend.

Thank you so much for your time. I really do appreciate you skimming over this and taking interest in me. I know it was just a huge dump of angst, but it honestly made me feel a little better. Heck, usually I do this and never post them. 

Just thank you, every one of you, for being here for me. It means a lot. <3

-Cat

[elizabethrobertajones]

13x04 watching notes

TBH that is my exact strategy when I am tired and want to go home.

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it's 2am and I just woke up after a lengthy power nap/full REM cycle because going to bed at 9 is for cool kids so uh I'm watching the episode but also it's 2am. I didn't do it deliberately but here I aaaam.

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Getting right in there with Dean telling the the truth in the recap - is he really gonna spill it all to a therapist? experts have been awaiting it ever since 1x10 so

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"experts" being me, I am an independent judiciary body

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*grief grief grief* *Jack angst*

Oh yeah Cas recap because Cas is back

Should I even write expectations for this episode? I'm a bit late since I already started watching :P Blah blah Glynn blah blah probably going to be fine, blah blah swear I saw someone say she's "never written Cas before" but uh we just had recaps from 12x19 so I mean who wrote that?

-

this guy has a weird reaction to the dead wife coming back

like, oh, okay, that happened. guess we say hello

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Is this the "understated" reaction when Cas comes back

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Oh we're doing regular old stabbing? Is this a shapeshifter thing or a revenge curse thing? Is it all going to be romantic couples? because lol pls don't

Also the recap did expressly list off 2 dead moms and a dead crowley along with a dead Cas who is also a brother and father to active main characters

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Sam like "hey"

Dean like >.> Are you trying to be friends after I yelled at you?

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Sam being remarkably cool about Dean's netflix and holy oil suggestion

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Dean being extremely less cool about Sam's suggestion

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They're sort of recapping the argument from the end of last episode for us, which is good because it wasn't in the recap unless it was but it's 2am and my brain randomly discarded that

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oh my god it was

okay these are not meta notes

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Sam's trying to play at grief counsellor and it's super not working because he's using it as their fight. You don't get in a snappy comeback about "oh so you want to move on"

Dean looks extremely murderously done with all this because How Dare etc

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"For me"

God damn puppy dog eyes.

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awww Jack's watching The Clone Wars. Because he is a wee new baby and this is his star wars generation I guess.

mittensmorgul pffft. (I have never seen Clone Wars so I have no idea what that even means)

elizabethrobertajones It's the adventures *drum roll* of Darth Vader when he was still Anakin, before he went evil Ashoka or however you spell it is his Padawan

mittensmorgul aahhh

elizabethrobertajones Jack's identifying with her and not with the pre-evil but still getting the Imperial March music layered over his bad decisions Anakin the entire show is 10000 episodes just an endless "we can't make him go evil because that happens in the movie but we can tease basically everything up to that" stuff

mittensmorgul At least he's iffy about Anakin...

elizabethrobertajones yeah good choice, basically it's also brand new he found the non-dinosaur version of Star Wars of the previous generation :P and it's less political than the prequels I think The Clone Wars is generally well-liked whereas nerd rage dictates the Prequels are the Worst and I guess it's Too Soon to get into the newer Star Wars films since we don't know how the arcs of the new kids pay off

[side note: I haven't watched it per se because there's tons of it but I've been in the same room as my brother watching it, and seen a lot of pop culture general knowledge that I've sponged up so I could be wrong about some little details as I mostly know how it's been described to me]

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Also Jack's identifying with the female character, because fuck off toxic masculinity, she seems awesome and he has no idea he isn't “”supposed”” to. She also is one of the aliens with the huge tentacle things on her head so idk if it's a good idea for him to get too into this without  meeting more of the general population - Sam's probably right

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Uhoh, Jack kinda does a snarky eyebrow about "you're the good guys" - Did Sam fail to sell it or is Jack really just starting to have trust issues now he's watching TV with black or white morality (literally a dark side and a light side - hrm.) and given his experience of the Winchesters yelling their very shades of grey takes on him at each other

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Well he hasn't learned to be cagey about overhearing that

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*blink blink blink* *sigh*

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"You're *using* me"

Oh no, poor Jack :(

-

He also implicitly trusts Dean's judgement more than Sam's bonding, despite how Sam has made all the movements towards him. As people have been meta'ing, Dean's being extremely honest and Jack's setting his markers by that, even if it's horrific to the point of deciding he has to be evil because Dean thinks so.

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Sam says he, Dean and CAS closed the rift - hey, Cas got knocked out by Lucifer in round 1 of that as a distraction and Crowley helped you close it.

They probably have not explained Crowley to him at all.

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At least Sam is being honest now about what happened with the rift, and that it's their mom

and Jack speaks the language of lost moms. Now HE looks at SAM with sympathy.

Probably also explains Dean...

I think Jack is defaulting back to thinking about Dean way more than Sam's opinion of him, although perhaps he may like Sam more now he was upfront and some of why "so uh yeah I was KINDA using you" is on the table

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Jack was wearing a darker henley, which tbh with Dean wearing them again all of a sudden makes it blurry to me if this is not about his Dean-alignment more than colour coding his feelings on being evil (like how Amara's nail polish started off black and got right down to light grey by the end of the season). Now he's swapped to being the Cas Intern.

Ow.

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and aww all the fake IDs. There's a lot to take in about these guys :P

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Oh no Dean said "loony toons" on the episode which may or may not be an exact use of 8x08 for Cas, for Jack. Jack's a bit more of a trial run about wanting to BE a hunter since he is mostly just curious. Also amused Dean has to rephrase for Jack because he actually knows he's a week old or so, and he's not going to enjoy repeating himself or explaining, while he always found it kind of funny to just say a whole string of incomprehensible pop culture at Cas without slowing for a breath.

Not funny now, is it Dean?

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Wait have they never actually fought a revenant aka, idk, it sounds like a naturally occurring zombie? They mention it from time to time but as far as I remember they've never actually called zombies revenants because they're one of the shows where they just embrace the horror movie tradition about zombies completely, so it always seemed like revenants were something slightly different, at least, in the sense that they get named like a different category. And they just lumped them in with ghosts here, as restless spirits but i guess this time *with* the body?

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Dean tells Jack to sit, like he was a dog being kept in the car.

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Unlike dogs he knows how to work the door handle.

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Jack no don't touch the blood

oh good Dean stopped him

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Aw no he's still wearing the dark henley under the tan jacket. That's awful :D

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Pfft Dean's like immediately "it's a revenant" because they know what those are really well after a billion years hunting and we've never watched them ever name anything on screen a revenant before with that vocab, and they're really sticking with not crossing them over with zombies exactly...

I mean Dean said he wasn't a revenant after he got back from hell and I think they've chattered about them before

if I check this on superwiki it's way too early for there to be a spoilery "so it's not a revenant" line from later in this episode highlighted when I hit the search :P

Oh good, I'm glad I'm right.

A revenant is a visible ghost or animated corpse that returns to terrorize the living, usually people it knew in life. Unlike the zombie, a revenant is not under another person's control, and has returned from the grave on its own for a specific and often personal purpose. In 4.01 Lazarus Rising, Bobby accuses Dean of being a shapeshifter or a revenant. Dean proves he's neither by cutting himself with a silver knife. In 8.06 Southern Comfort Garth takes a call from a hunter asking how to deal with a revenant. Garth tells him to get a casket and some silver spikes, then nail it in and bury it. He also warns that getting bit will hurt like hell, but will not turn you into one.

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I wonder if those were revenants in 4x07 and I only ask because it was like almost exactly an anniversary to it in OUR time :P It's still May or maybe June for them in-show

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Okay Dean left Jack to dig but Sam chased after Dean rather than it being a synchronised Winchester ditching of Jack :P

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Little on the nose about "You're starting to sound like dad!" :P

"Is that a bad thing" Oh Dean, no.

Fortunately the theme of this season is fathers so I suspect you're gonna have to deal with this at some point or another

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Sam like "the drill sergent thing won't work on Jack" to the sound of Jack merrily digging in the background because Dean told him to

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I really hope that wasn't an on-set hazing that they actually left him to dig :P

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I love my smol gravedigger son

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I love how Jack did all the digging anyway because Sam's still not actually dirty and Jack's still standing in the hole

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Lol not a revenant, well there's a surprise. I'm glad I double-checked the lore anyway because I have the time to so I'm not going to spend the rest of the episode like "wait what IS the difference between them and zombies anyway and why have we never seen one?"

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I mean it's not gonna be a ghost either, we're 9 minutes in and they're salting and burning because it makes more sense to Dean to do that than not to - I guess a precaution for accidentally angering her spirit for digging her up...?? :P I mean no he still thinks she's a ghost but I mean maybe it's not a total waste of salt.

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OH NO Jack don't ask about if Kelly is a ghost, that's very painful.

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OH NO I thought he was going to ask about Cas but instead Dean said "what gets burned, stays dead" and that hurts a lot

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FORTUNATELY for me the viewer as opposed to Dean the grieving ball of angst over there, I can go check up on Cas immediately.

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He doesn't seem to be doing too good but more in an existential way since he's at least up and walking about.

I like how Jack woke him up but it's probably got to be like a baby bird has to hatch itself.

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He's using up all his "hellos" on the void. Save one for Dean.

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You know if the MotW is imitating dead loved ones I have to say I am not exactly looking forward to this :P I didn't say earlier but the cold open gave me 11x13 vibes and honestly I don't want a repeat of the stress of waiting for Cas to show up for Dean but it not happening... Okay, belatedly 10 minutes in, there's a baseline expectation for the episode that that doesn’t happen. Then again I forgot to check the names at the bottom of the screen except for being happy to see Misha's there so they could spring anyone on us

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Throw a real curveball in just like bring some random dead loved one from the first 3 seasons back :P

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Or waste Jim Beaver's season 13 appearance on it and he's never even in the AU with Mary :P

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Anyway Jack is waiting patiently in the car.

(or, well, not so patiently.. He's starting to get an idea of how the job works, and that Dean is usually repeatedly wrong about everything as he throws spaghetti at the wall about the case...)

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Anyway, dead son, dead wife, so that's quite a neutral combination.

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Asking what they had in common probably means the grief counsellor, but Dean says that and then we go back to Cas right when I've been musing on the loved ones coming back for them thing and honestly it's like Dean's words are just summoning Cas right now.

....... 8x08 used flashbacks to summon Amelia for Sam, just saying

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I hope Cas finds Billie and hopefully a bar immediately and they can become drinking buddies.

I don't even think she's in this one?

-

I like those assertive footsteps though. "I have no clue where I am, I am just going to walk in this direction like I mean it"

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Lol they're in Madison i was KIDDING about bringing back a dead loved one from like season 2 or something. Oh well, if it's her, it's her. I'm still bitter about Sarah because I only just re-watched it with my mum the other day.

I should probably stop bringing up Sam's dead or lost girlfriends because it's just bumming me out on his behalf.

-

Teehee "he's not our intern"

well

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"I asked you to keep an eye on him" "I can see him"

It's amazing Dean didn't volunteer just to get away from Jack

-

Sort of weird existing in a post That Declaration world where I can just canonically know Dean staring at Jack is making him think sad things about Cas without any fear whatsoever

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Oh boy killer grief counsellor probably. "Mia is promising to provide the catharsis I've been craving for so long" and then she gets ripped to shreds by her son.

I feel a little bad reading this woman's diary, but the first line is about not "getting over" it and learning to live with it. Blah blah heal and rebuild yourself, blah blah whole again but never the same

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"Shrinks... Snake oil for the mind." "Or how healthy people deal" Pfft

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Jack being baffled by the issues of customer vs hot dog guy without understanding it's an ancient war fought across the world

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Dean equates "catharsis" to "happy ending" - I can't tell if he's innuendo-ing or accidentally revealing too much and being mournful about it.

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The house has a great fence - its parts are all misaligned. Very visually uncomfortable :D

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Awww someone said "hello" to Jack and Jack was like !!!!! another person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO! :D :D :D

how can you possibly think he's bad

-

Anyway I was about to type that Dean hates it because of course he feels the most vulnerable talking about his feelings all the time, either for performing Dean reasons about needing to keep up a facade of strength (LET YOURSELF CRY, MAN) or because feelings for Cas being inconvenient to him

-

UHoh Dean grabbed Jack's shoulder - he did it to Mick to be threatening last year in a Glynn episode, while Mick was wearing a long tan coat. And called Jack "Spock" which is not really accurate characterisation at all. Jack's pretty much nothing but a bundle of emotions, he's just not used to using them around other people. Now CAS on the other hand.....

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I do like that Mia decided to see them because Jack is sweet and was upfront about losing his mother and he's just adorable.

They bluff their way in by losing a collective mother, Sam once again lining them up as family and siblings.

Play it cool, man. You’ll scare Jack off.

-

I'm starting to think we haven't seen Cas between scenes for a while because Dean hasn't said anything angsty enough

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But idk if we trust her or not. She has a lot of alcohol stashed on that shelf.

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Jack wisely doesn't sit on the sofa with them all.

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"Oh well Mom was great and now she's dead so what's the deal with catharsis" Dean, no.

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Sam continues with what should be the pre-arranged plan of spill closed truths like well we don't journal but our dad did

also I am so annoyed that confirms they don't keep hunter journals??? grarghgh

Google has ruined this generation

And Dean makes fun of journaling as being for little girls, even though Sam literally just said that about John. Last year in 12x04 he said he was a 13 year old girl when trying to text Mary so he's actually regressed even further backwards at losing her again >.>

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"I'm good with death, closure, the whole friggin bottle of Jack"

it's a shame he would never put a bumper sticker on Baby, because that...

-

Oh boy we're still having this fight. "My brother's delusional..." yeah oh dear.

Is this going to be one of those things where I basically just want to transcribe the whole thing?

Dean calls out Sam for not being able to even admit that Mary's gone so he hasn't even moved past denial - which to be fair, Sam IS right she's not dead and that they DO have a means of getting her back and everything... Was thinking about how last season was a "Dean is right about everything" season and this time is clearly a Sam is right about everything one... but of course both only to a certain degree, and in this case it's much blurrier about approach and how these fights are going because of course Sam's not being a perfect Saint Sammy that Dean is being unfairly awful to in the entirety of what's going on here. Sam IS struggling and resisting confronting things in his own way and adopting Jack as a pet project is definitely a form of avoidance or at least wanting to get concrete closure on Mary's death before he will fully mourn. Which makes Sam and Dean existing in the same place terrible because they're only in the same physical location

anyway Dean's about to yell  about how hard this all is for him too so I better unpause once I'm holding a stuffed toy again

"At least you had a relationship with mom" WAHEY

I mean that was awful but I'm delighted Sam yelled that because there's ALWAYS something else going on underneath Sam, and I've been waiting for more Sam and Mary angst, since I spent so much time on them last season and at least obliquely referred to this... Talked a lot about how hard Sam had it to reconnect with Mary... That Words with Friends scene from 12x07 was basically floating along waiting to come back up at some point or another, but it took Sam a long time to reach out to Mary personally, and really only in 12x14 (hi Berens, I just accept you and Glynn are brain twins these days) did he pick a side in THAT fight and picked Mary. And we said it was to get closer to Mary but he made it all about the BMoL instead of just confronting that he wanted a relationship with her, and the BMoL ended up just keeping them apart ANYWAY and tl;dr am I going to have to write the reverse version of A World Without Monsters from Sam's POV or can we just agree that my subtext in that fic was exactly what just bubbled up here? :P

-

I just spent the entire length of that paragraph trying to work out when I wrote the meta about how Sam felt about Mary and it took me until that last point to realise it was not a meta, it was a fic where I roundly abused poor Sam for the sake of making that point.

-

Dean's like hey therapy is great! *eyebrows at Jack* *snarky smile at the doc*

-

Sam is like *anger-drinks water*

*refuses to cry as well*

BLOOD

(CRY, DAMMIT, SAM.)

-

That sign was down earlier

is this the poor receptionist?

-

Or... ew, shifter gunk?

-

LOL Dean just takes a flask out of his pocket in the middle of their appointment

Mia asks him to look at Jack, which is the last thing he wants to do, but blah blah meta about 12x22 and how he needs to "see" Jack, and she's pointing out that Jack is terrified which is exactly what Dean needs to see about him

subtle

She actually points out his anger issues as well so I think Dean's getting homework whether he has to write it in a journal or not :P

-

*suddenly everyone is pointing guns*

Hey if she's a a shapeshifter why does she live in an all-white house when shifting makes bloody goo stains everywhere?

Or her assistant, I guess. They haven't had eyes on him :P

-

Ooh that explains why the guy was not surprised to see his wife. Well, kind of surprised, but not nearly horrified enough.

-

Sadly if she is telling the truth that means someone else is using her method to get their guard down to kill them for kicks...

-

Also shades of 9x13 because they had that spa where the monster would use their unique skills to help, but then of course another of their kind - a sibling - had to go and ruin it...

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Oh hey, it's Cas! I guess the time ran out on a good transition from Dean, so we go over here on "I'm telling you the truth"

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Lol it's another Cas... Who ever would have expected it. /Misha being the worst at spoilers

Or something with a very silly voice. "Friendly neighbourhood cosmic entity" that sounds like that and won't show its face is either someone pranking Cas or about to go very bad.

Cas is like "do I look like that" "I'm getting a new coat as soon as I'm alive again"

-

if this thing is The Empty itself it's probably kinda crazy after eons being nothing

-

Oh NO Cas's face when he says "every angel that ever died is here?" because oh boy did you put like 90% of them in here yourself. There's about 3 faces you'd be happy to see again of the entire lot. Hey, it's never too late to give Cas that guilt all over again that made him stay in Purgatory out of penance.

-

I mean among other things but it's probably worth mentioning there are a whole bunch of lil purgatory parallels here in the loosest sense of it being a hostile other realm, and the way Cas is basically Dean in Purgatory in here.

-

Cas has been back for like 5 minutes of screen time and I want to protect him and wrap him in blankets

there's no need to be mean, The Empty, just because you got woken up... I say... at nearly 4am... because I woke up when I didn't want to...

you know what, The Empty's being mean to Cas probably kind of justifiably, even if it's a dick.

-

pretty clever to use a shifter as the motw in this episode too

-

oh, poor Cas is horrified to think Sam and Dean made some sort of deal for him

he says "I don't know" which is ironically what Jack's saying all the time

like father like son

-

LEAVE HIM ALONE

-

last episode we had James keeping memories of Missouri, who he had cut out of his life, in a box. Now Mia has a box still dedicated to "Buddy" her asshole ex who hurt her, and good on her for leaving him. He's another shifter, we're halfway through the episode, so we probably need to find him now, and also have a good 10 minutes more of whatever's going on with Cas. :P

She also owns up to have done much worse things in her past with Buddy, although presumably not killing people, and probably because they were super toxic together, and she had the sense to get out and try and help people now.

-

Jack said "I'll come with" which is adorable. He's learning to be like them :D

-

Wheeeee he's riding shotgun! Guess Dean couldn't make him stay in the back without Sam around.

-

Sam's plan's don't always work out :< Oh no, Dean, you still don't have much faith in Sam's ability to handle himself.

Fortunately this does seem to be a mostly Sam is right season, and I think of all the overwhelming reasons why you don't trust Jack, not trusting Sam to trust Jack is probably relatively low on the list underneath the Cas stuff or you'd have just yelled that at Sam the other day instead.

-

Uh, why do I feel like the shifter just phoned Sam and somewhere between here and there something went really wrong?

-

Oh god I'm going to have to watch the face peeling scene with my own two eyes at 4 in the morning, aren't I?

-

Meanwhile Mia explains why her catharsis works to Sam - I hope he doesn't sneak back at the end of the episode for a chat with "Mary" because that would be AWFUL.

-

Oh it was that other guy - wait, also, Sam was already doing this before Dean phoned? Seems like he doesn't trust Dean's methods either :P

-

CAAAAAAAAAS

-

I love how Cas is so practical like, "will you pay me $200 to stop annoying you and go away?"

UHOH guess we're getting right into it. "You don't want to go back" "Sam and Dean need me" You don't want to be needed, you want to be wanted!

Wheeee text on that and also wheee over on the other side of the story last week Dean finally made the i/we distinction about Cas. Now we just need to get them alive and well and actually dealing with crap

-

oh boy I shouldn't have paused there except that i suppose for the sake of meta-ing remotely clearly it was probably a good idea not to watch straight through from that into the empty accusing Cas of having feeeeelings and "I know *what* you hate, I know *who* you love, what you fear." especially since Cas hates being needed but not wanted and uh Dean made the i/we distinction at long last over on the other side of the story so um does Cas fear something related to all that?

I mean to be fair Cas has been through this exact thing before with "he's in love... with humanity" / "all of it for one man" which was an "i/we" distinction of planetary proportions :P Of course he just mutely responded to it there because he was sad Dean was dead, and had no idea Metatron had accused him of being in love in any form, so that was Metatron's private joke to himself.

-

The Empty telling Cas there's "nothing for him back there" also makes like next to no sense if you take season 12's family read at surface value and has the bonus of being, I'm pretty sure, a line Elrond tells Arwen in the movie when he's trying to make her leave Aragorn and go across the waters to the undying lands.

-

I know they're just starting with it in a long selection of terrible things that happened to Cas but starting with his grace being stolen really sucks :P

Especially when I am still daily haunted by his season 9 arc.

See above: Metatron and "in love with humanity"

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More miscommunication of the "didn't bother to call you" variety (I hope this doesn't blow up in Sam's face, although of course trying to nurture Jack is slow mo doing that, especially if he and Dean are meant to swap stances on the kid >.>)

The intern pulls Mia aside for a chat.

OH NO Jack wants to see his mom. OH NO OH NO

I will be so upset if that happens...

Oh nooooooo

he's crying.

Who can say no?

This is extremely awful.

I guess Glynn didn't want to let Kelly go like that. I'm glad if Mia was going to do this for anyone it would be for Jack and not Sam and Dean's cycles of nonsense.

I REALLY hope the bad shifter doesn't burst in here and try to/actually kill Mia right now. Jack doesn't need that in his life.

In the mean time, Mia better friggin HUG Jack even if it's technically hollow and he would know it.

Also did she do the whole disgusting skin thing or can she transform on the spot?

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HUGS FOR THE NOUGAT BOY

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They look so much alike :')

Oh no Jack you probably don't feel anything because they made you horribly depressed within 2 days. Also you have angel grace. Historically not good for helping you feel things. You're sweet and cry about your mom and feel bad about stuff in other ways so I think you have a heart no matter what, like Cas does.

Mia gets some catharsis from getting to hug Jack and reassure him that even if he's a monster and what makes him in-human isn't letting him emote how he's supposed to, he can still be good. She's got a monster soul, after all. There's a lot of good monsters out there.

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I was about to say lol is this now Sam not on the phone because he actually is a shifter now mostly to tease past!Me but then they panned down and Dean's unconscious, which makes sense because they probably still want to show us Dean tearing his own face off at some point and honestly I'd rather just get it over and done with because if it's still to come after this D:

"that was too friggin easy" though - Dean getting overwhelmed in another fight. He's really not had a great rate of success... He only beat the wraith last episode with Patience's warnings, and other than that it's been a terrible track record even if he fights back as hard as he can when he gets jumped

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shifter!Dean2 better not go in and try and kill Jack

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Not gonna have much luck, I just don't want to watch it :P

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MORE HUGS FOR JACK

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WAIT NO YOU CAN'T HUG HIM AND THEN HAVE HIM KNOCKED OUT IN THE SAME SCENE

I TYPE NOT LOOKING AT THE SCREEN BECAUSE DEAN'S RIPPING HIS FACE OFF

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Shifters are gross

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Oh no don't call Cas a disappointment, The Empty, we're so proud of him!

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He just told him to "save yourself" which is probably going to have the direct opposite result to what he wants while I'd hope Cas goes and does exactly that

"I'm already saved" blah blah Cas insults The Empty and I love him, "because somehow I'm awake, and I'll stay awake" - exactly how many times can I use "i love him" as punctuation in one sentence?

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Where is that gif of the woman banging the pots and pans about not getting any sleep so they're not getting any sleep

that's something I ought to have saved :P

Someone almost certainly has made a post already.

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Cas is the literal embodiment of "fight me"

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This Buddy guy is a total douche. He says in this world everyone uses everyone. Which is a theme of the season I guess - Cas feeling used, Jack feeling used... He's the villain with the most negative version of the theme in his mouth right now

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Dean's got to pep talk Jack if he wants to save the day or Jack goes and saves the daaay - I'd prefer Jack does it

Look, Mia's getting hurt and she was kind to you and in the most literal use of character mirroring in 1000 miles is an actual stand in for your mom!

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Ooh is Jack gonna save Sam instead? Dean just pep-talked him specifically about how Sam believed in him which was having to start to admit that Sam, well, believes in Jack. Which Dean couldn't even accept last episode when he was saying that he was just using Jack

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Yay thanks Jack, kinda figured Sam wouldn't get shot :P Jack's powers are fascinating - he's definitely bending time... from Sam and Dean's perspectives last time they were caught in it they were at least sort of aware of things, but Jack pretty much works in bullet time.

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I also like how he kind of had a ridiculous "NooooO" because he's been watching Star Wars. I don't know if there's a "Nooooo" in the Clone Wars but I mean have you met a Star Wars

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Anyway good riddance douchey ex with extra douchey powers.

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I love the shot of them all standing together and Jack has that benign :3 face on again. He's really insufferably cute.

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Ewww the Bunker sink is gross. I assume that's from decades of lying in disrepair and that those are stains Dean could not get out.

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I guess Jack's getting a glass of water and Dean's midnight snacking. I have no other explanation for this encounter despite the fact it could theoretically happen at literally any point of the clock :P

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Oh gosh, is he going to give Jack a beer

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Yay, actions helped

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Aw, the other beer is for Sam. Guess this doesn't have to be midnight after all. I thought he might have a longer chat with Jack

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oops is this the beginning of the slide in the other direction? Sam's been undermined and even though he was proven right to Dean's eyes and Dean's had to grudgingly hand Jack the win in the case and admit it to Sam, Sam's like, "I guess"

And they don't know what Jack asked for from Mia because patient confidentiality! Argh!

Oh no Sam don't start wondering if Dean is right.

AAAH they're actually talking about things really well. Dean's like "don't say that" - even if he can't believe it he doesn't want to HURT Sam and rob him of his hope... Sometimes yelling about things does make them get better in the long run once you get it out there >.>

And Dean deputises to Sam for the feelings. And admits how HE has been feeling, because he believes in nothing, because all his faith has been taken away because there was only one thing he ever ended up believing in no i didn't see the next scene transition before i hit pause what are you talking about

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Again, though, if this is Cas back in the mortal plane after annoying his way back to life (worrisome, since he's 2 episodes out of reuniting with them and where's Billie? Oh gosh is Billie back for reals too if he IS back? Whaaaat.) then that's another awfully convenient moment to transition scenes from. Dean finally using "i" instead of "we" about Cas and making it abundantly clear that he and sam didn't feel the same about that, was, whether the direct reason or just narrative karma they chose to bestow on Dean, what made Jack reach out to Cas. Now he admits out loud that he doesn't believe in anything with the implication when you look at Dean vs belief that this is about Cas, and we go over to Cas definitely at least in an improved situation.

Goddammit that's the new coat which means he didn't come back naked but wait! Lizzy's hope wasn't the same as everyone else's at all! Although that was a shallow moment of defeat :P Mwa ha ha, I was hoping Cas would come back and be gifted a whole new Cas get up and lo and behold unless he chose to manifest these clothes onto himself and there's noooo ulterior motive at all going on here (uh... probably not going to get more than 1 per show and we used it up on Mary :P) but he's confused and waking up and the last time we saw him he was in the clothes he died in... So of course if he's being sent back to earth then someone else chose the battle armour he'd be returned in. One Cas, fit for purpose.

Also, realising once he sat up more it was the new coat makes me pretty sure he is back on Earth.

Also he looks happy to be here and I think he can tell :P

Same, Cas. Same.