#I think a queerplatonic relationship would be good for me but I’m god awful at every social interaction

[deadwardianpoltergeist]

girl help whenever I think someone has a crush on me my brain goes insane, constantly berating me like an annoying heteronormative aunt when she sees her niece hanging out with a guy

and then I can’t tell if I like them back because my brain craves the attention so much and makes me want to almost flirt with them and then it gets into “you know damn well if you endorse this you’re gonna feel like shit” because the last(and only) time I dated someone my feelings wavered so much and they didn’t feel real and by the end I was less upset that we ended up hating each other and more upset that I let myself lead them on because even if I tried my best to be a good boyfriend my feelings weren’t really romantic

inside you are two wolves, one thinks someone having a crush on you is adorable and wants to take advantage of that affection and the other screams and cries about morals and also they both have anxiety

[lapis-lazuliie]

Ace ask game - all the numbers :)

sorry this took me so long to answer; completely forgot it was my inbox then lost the ask meme for it. anyway! thank you so much for your patience 🥰

1. Where are you on the ace-spectrum?

demisexual ✌🏼

2. When did you first realise you were ace-spec?

ooh. when i was about....13? so starting high school lol i just never connected with people who were dating in school, or who used to talk about their 'experiences'. didn't even know what the hell "hot" meant when referring to how someone looked 😅

3. Did you have a moment of “Wait, sexual attraction is real?”

ah, no lol i do experience it myself, just not in the ""usual"" way

4. What moments make you think, “Well, I’m definitely ace”

hahah uh, when people start talking about their sexual experiences, really, and sex scenes in media make me feel so. 😬

5. Are you sex-positive, sex-repulsed, or indifferent?

sex-positive 👍🏼

6. How do you feel about general intimacy? (Kissing, cuddling, etc)

hm, i mean....the idea is nice; no idea about the reality, though!

7. Are you also aro-spec?

nope

8. What other identities are you, if any?

biromantic 💖

9. Who’s the first person you came out to, if any?

ah a former friend in high school; was super nervous lol but 'course she was totally fine with it

10. Has anyone ever come out to you as ace-spec?

just people on here 👌🏼

11. Have you ever been to pride as an ace person? What was it like?

ah, never been to pride in general lol but i did go to a "pride day" a few years ago which was awesome - wasn't out yet, but <3 yeah. still really nice ^ ^

12. Dragons or cake ace?

dragons

13. Do you have an ace ring? Do you want one?

no and yeah that'd be cool <3

14. Do you own an ace-spec flag?

nope

15. Do you experience the ace obliviousness to innuendos or dirty jokes?

no

16. How do you feel about sex scenes/romantic plots/subplots in movies?

sex scenes make me feel yuck but with romance in general, it depends how it's written / handled

17. How do you feel about sex / love songs?

fine because i relate them to ships 🤣

18. Have you had any romantic/queerplatonic/sexual relationships?

yep; both were fucking awful

19. Are you any good at flirting?

hahah god no. i'm awkward as shit

20. How do you feel about dating a non-ace-spec person?

fine

21. How many ace-specs do you know IRL?

oh none. on here, a lot

22. Do you want kids?

nope

23. What would you rather do/have instead of sex?

read / write / cook / watch a movie / dance / idk anything but that lol

24. Best part of being ace?

that i can't feel any sexual feelings for someone i'm romantically interested in until i've formed a close bond with them. it's just.....really nice, i love it so much ☺️

[transsexualhamlet]

the problem with sherlock and watson (yuumori)

Feel free to ignore honestly this is a giant opinionated and not well informed ramble but yeah here it is for those of u that follow me for some reason, this is probably pretty controversial so yeah feel free to scroll past

also spoilers for anime onlys, we’re almost there though

So I’ve been Thinking about these two recently, and yeah, to be fair I’ve literally never read or watched any other adaption of sherlock, so I’m just speaking as to what I can tell, but yeah. I’m not sure at this point if it’s really a complaint or just an observation, but I do have some slightly confounded observations about how things are different from what I expected with them.

Mostly my Confounded Observation is just... Watson is straight?! I don’t mean in a literal way, he definitely has Bi Wife Energy TM but... you know, he’s comparatively straight.

Of course, I understand why the author might want to make sure watson doesn’t really get in the way of sherlock and liam (which is honestly hilarious but understandable) and for the purposes of the story it does make sense, but it’s... you know, again I haven’t consumed literally any other sherlock content so I wouldn’t know but from what I’ve heard watson’s always a flaming homosexual and well, it’s not like this series lacks for those, but?? 

It’s not just that he’s straight in the sense of his sexuality, it’s that... he’s a straight character in the sense that he’s like, normal? Kind of overly normal? I was kind of expecting more out of him, to be honest, and to see him just be like, a functional human being who seems to be doing totally fine in all ways? That... I don’t know, it’s kind of weird. Especially in contrast with Sherlock, who as everyone can tell is violently not doing just fine.

Since this part of the manga will be covered in the anime soon, I think this is timely, but I feel like this is just made painfully obvious when the shit goes down between him and sherlock.

Speaking on the nature of their relationship here, it’s weird. Because you know, the author is clearly going sherliam endgame (istg if they don’t just make it official i cant take this anymore) and I support that lmao, they’re like my favorite dynamic- but yeah, it’s obviously different from the other adaptions, where, you know, sherlock and john are ambiguously gay people.

Like, it’s honestly comical how in this series that is significantly gayer than every other one that watson is so clearly a Heterosexual Man honestly

But Sherlock still, clearly isn’t, and I think there is something to be said about how he feels about John, though of course in the end he... obviously chooses Liam. (and considering John’s kind of ass character in this version, he was right to do so)

I mean, just look at them.

We’ve got this obviously autistic obviously gay man who is violently codependent with this mild mannered british dude. Sherlock’s feelings for this guy are complex, and they’re clearly very different from the ones he has for Liam, but they’re certainly there. Sherlock clearly has no idea of romance, no idea of the boundaries between platonic and romantic relationships (and neither do I, but,,, yeah) and I think what Sherlock feels for Watson is like a queerplatonic relationship, but like.... not reciprocated?? 

It’s so weird for this to be the case, but it so clearly is? In the part where they explore that, it goes into how, like... Sherlock doesn’t really know how to function without Watson, dude’s holding up his entire mental health without even really doing anything, and Sherlock feels fucking awful when he is no longer Watson’s like, #1 person. The fact is, the same thing is going on with him, though they’ve existed like this for years it’s clearly not going to work anymore- Sherlock is basically having to choose between him and Liam, and you know what he’s gonna do. But it’s still an awful feeling for a bond that strong to break.

The thing about it really is that for Watson the tie was never that strong in the first place. Watson is so... without conflict in his character. And this is something that actually honestly bothers me. He’s so lawful good it’s infuriating. He’s steady, he’s calm, he’s rational and he’s emotionally mature, he can manage himself fine and care for everyone he needs to. He’s doing just fine even though Sherlock is caught up in this ridiculous murder drama, and that’s what makes the relationship so... I don’t know, off in this version.

Sherlock needs Watson, and Watson cares about Sherlock, but not nearly to the same extent, and he’s like. Not really doing it right? For someone who’s been with him for presumably years at this point, Watson doesn’t really feel like he knows Sherlock all that well. And that sucks that that’s the truth. 

In every other story with friendship/romance tropes like this, the characters have conflicts like this, but when one person thinks the other doesn’t care for them that way, they’re wrong. It’s like oh no, I’m a burden, I’m being clingy, he’s got a life to get back to and I don’t, I’m too much, he’s better than me etc... those are things Sherlock’s type of character tell themself, but the catch is that’s not actually the case, they’re just Mentally Ill. Having that just... be true in Sherlock’s case is kind of heartbreaking, as much as it’s clearly for the Sherliam agenda.

The problem is just that Watson here is just so lawful neurotypical that he just doesn’t really get Sherlock. He’s got this strict moral code, and he kind of makes it a problem to Sherlock. He says all the things that Sherlock would expect everyone to say, but it’s not what you’re supposed to say, you know? He’s all like murder is bad stop doing that I won’t be your friend if you shoot people we don’t do that >:(, be civil be nice stop putting yourself in danger Don’t Do Drugs etc etc. You know, of course that’s sensible information, but it’s... not what he needs to fucking hear? That’s like the school counselor going hey guys, just say no :D THAT DOESN’T WORK. And you’d think that Watson would get this by now? All it’s doing is hurting him more. It’s genuinely making me dislike Watson, and that’s not something I want to do.

I think it works for the purposes of this specific narrative, because they don’t want to create problems with Watson being left behind, they want to say that he’ll be fine on his own so that it will all work out fine. And yeah, of course I want that, I don’t want there to have to be conflict of sacrificing John’s emotions for Liam, but I feel like they didn’t have to sacrifice John’s character for him. 

This series could have a Watson who cares deeply about Sherlock and has some weaknesses and conflicting emotions about him without them being romantic. We haven’t seen how Watson dealt with Sherlock’s “death” yet, I don’t think, but... I don’t really like the thought that this Watson would honestly be fine. He’d be sad, he’d be mad, but he’d get over it and get on with his life and is objectively in a better situation without Sherlock. Yeah, I just... don’t like that.

I want to see a Watson who understands Sherlock. Isn’t that what he’s supposed to be? I want to see a Watson who cares for Sherlock so much that he has to make hard decisions, that he has to make the wrong decisions sometimes, that he has internal conflict because of it. I want a Watson who gets that Sherlock is nothing without him, who gets what’s going on with him and Liam, who’s trying to help him and keep him on track and maybe failing. I want a Watson who’s genuinely conflicted about leaving Sherlock for Mary because he knows it will hurt him, who worries about his ability to take care of everybody, who shows his problems from you know, being in a literal war, who wonders how to portray Sherlock in his books. We can have that without losing Sherliam, man. He doesn’t have to be Hideyoshi Nagachika (god, no one needs to go thru that shit), he just has to have at least a bit of emotion, bro. I want to see a Watson who’s struggling with what to do. Like. Even once. 

Instead we have this. This dude who is just... a nice, rather clueless guy who helps out sometimes and who’s just a bit too much of a rule follower to fit into a story like yuumori.

Sorry to just complain on main here I just think he was done a bit dirty here and it’s bothering me, if u have thoughts or info about other portrayals feel free to hmu i have become a bIT hyperfixated

[ineffable-endearments]

Okay. Now I'm going to submit some theories about how I think Crowley and Aziraphale specifically are going to go in the future of Good Omens.

Again, this post is not really...specific theorizing about plot events. It's big-picture stuff.

With that said, this post will get a bit heavy at times, in the sense that it will contain opinions that not everyone will like. It drifted into rambling about queerbaiting and all that stuff. I'm not going to spam anyone's dashboard with drama over it, but it's very possible someone else might try. It's also not really a negative post, depending on what you want to hear, I suppose. But if you're only in the mood to read fluff today, you'll probably want to pass it up.

Oh! Also it's very long, and sexuality is discussed in a vague way that doesn't involve any story elements or body parts.

For starters, I don't think Good Omens 2 - or even 3, if that comes about - is going to have anything explicitly sexual or romantic between the two of them, where "explicit" is things like the characters giving outright definitions of their relationship or outright discussing exactly what goes on between them, either on or off-screen. I also don't think there's going to be kissing or "hooking up" (come on...that person on Twitter shouldn't have even asked). Those actions are too blatant for what Neil has already said about the series. While they technically leave some room for interpretation, they probably don't leave enough.

I DO think it's quite possible other characters will continue to define the relationship FOR them and Crowley and Aziraphale will continue to not deny it.

As far as the queerbaiting debate, "is Good Omens queerbaiting"...it's gonna depend how you define it. I always learned that queerbaiting was basically where the creators intentionally make it look like a character is gay or otherwise queer but then swap that character development out for a cis identity and hetero relationship at the end. The point is that the "bait" leads to queer audiences being actively hurt. That's the behavior that seems awful to me, and I don't see Neil and company doing that.

However, I think it's far and away the most likely option that it will be left up to interpretation whether Crowley and Aziraphale are, you know, a buddy duo or a romantic couple or some sort of ineffable queerness all their own off-screen. So if your definition of queerbaiting is "the characters seem gay to us, but homophobes can tell themselves they're not," then yes, I think that debate will follow us to our graves if we let it.

I am a cisgender, possibly straight (?? demi/bi? I might never find out) woman. There is absolutely no way I could ever tell anybody, ESPECIALLY not gay guys and nonbinary people - the people Crowley and Aziraphale tend to resemble the most - how to feel about their treatment in the story. All I can offer is that I'm one flawed individual and there are things I have the emotional capacity to handle and things I don't. Crowley and Aziraphale as both a canon construct and a fandom pairing mean an absurd amount to me, and I can't hang around in spaces where people are constantly talking about how my own interpretations of them are not enough, or how the story is written with ill intentions. I don't want to stop anybody from venting about it, but I am going to be removing myself from those situations.

I like to imagine 1990 NeilandTerry, or TerryandNeil, as a sort of two-headed God who came up with Crowley and Aziraphale, set them loose on Creation, and now are watching them get up to way more ridiculous stuff in the brains of their fans than they'd ever imagined in the first place. I like to imagine them watching, amused and bemused, as their creations fall in love in thousands of universes, and saying, "Well, we didn't specifically Plan for this, but we did promise free will."

This is psychoanalytical toward a public figure and is therefore a bit dangerous, so please take it with an entire mountain of salt, but I sometimes think perhaps Neil sees some of his and Terry's friendship in Crowley and Aziraphale, and suspect that he wants to reserve the possibility that they could be platonic because he and Terry were platonic, while at the same time leaving room for the fans to have their own interpretations, too. Because if there's one thing that comes up really frequently with Neil, it's his belief in imagination and how much stories matter to people. He can have his little corner of the universe where A and C reflect himself and Terry, and we can have...literally anything we want, as long as we're willing to extrapolate just a little bit from canon. It's not even that much extrapolation! It's just "Yes, they love each other, so what exactly does love mean to you?" and if love means kissing, well then, if we can think it, we can have it.

Given that Neil has written LGBT+ characters before, I think he has non-bigoted reasons for wanting Aziraphale and Crowley to remain undefined, and given even the small chance that those reasons may involve the grieving process for a dead friend, I believe it is unkind to argue with him about it or hold his reputation hostage over it.

With that said, do I want canon kissing/hooking up/all that stuff we put in fics? Listen, I can't deny that I do! Personally, I'd be over the moon. I'd probably be so happy I'd have to go to the hospital to get sorted out. Even the thought of it makes me giddy and light-headed, because that physicality is a part of my own experience of love.

However, there are a lot of people who would feel left behind if that happened. Ace and aro people in the fandom whose love for their friends and partners is just as strong as mine, but who are sex-repulsed or just don't want to see kissing on-screen. The loss of Crowley and Aziraphale as a pairing who are extremely easy to interpret as queerplatonic would be hurtful to them, and I do not want to see them hurt like that. I don't think Neil does, either.

So, once again, the "best for everyone" option becomes a really strong canon relationship based in both narrative function and profound affection, which has genuinely thoughtful queer undertones and leaves open the logical possibility for romantic or sexual encounters but does not insist that they must happen. People, especially fans who are super invested, tend to have an easier time imagining scenarios that take place off-screen (e.g. kissing, sex) than they have erasing scenarios that they've already seen in canon (e.g., if someone wished they could continue viewing it as an ace relationship but they were shown "hooking up"). Also, while relationships are super emotional and extremely subjective, I'd argue that in a long-term adult partnership, the non-sexual connection is more important than the sexual one. As a fan, I'd prefer to extrapolate "they love each other so maybe they'd have sex" rather than "they're sexually attracted to each other so maybe they'll intertwine their whole existences together."

It probably isn't necessary to add, but I will anyway: I'm aware that Good Omens is sort of sacrificing social leverage - the ability to whack homophobes over the head with canon if they try to deny the show's queerness - and is thus not really contributing to making specifically gay relationships more widely seen and accepted. However, I don't think all stories have to invest heavily in every social issue they touch on for them to still be meaningful. I also do think Good Omens is an excellent example of a relationship that is extremely profound without being heteronormative.

I don't think the next season is going to be a rom-com. It will likely not even be a "love story," where the definition of "love story" is "a story that follows the development of a relationship and employs certain plot beats to make its point." Remember that conflicts and breakups are key to love stories, so if it IS a love story, then we're going to have to watch the relationship get challenged in ways some of us might have thought were already resolved in season 1! And while that could be thrilling and ultimately very good, it would also be likely to undercut some of the careful headcanoning and analysis we've already done. Any sequel is going to do that to some degree, but a second love story would probably do it a lot, with interpretations that people are even more protective of.

I'm sort of thinking the next season is likely to be a fantasy-heavy mystery, only because those are the two concepts Neil's introduction led with - an angel with amnesia who presents Crowley and Aziraphale with a mystery. Crowley and Aziraphale's connection to each other can still absolutely be a major theme! It can still be the thread stitching the plot together! It just probably, in my opinion, won't escalate and escalate and escalate like it did in season 1. And it will probably be woven in there among a lot of other plot threads that are, in many moments, louder. Still, I'd love to be left with the impression of these two existences, the light and the dark, subtly becoming more intimate, subtly growing more comfortable in this shared place they've chosen in the universe, gradually starting to behave like they know they aren't alone in the world anymore, all while other things happen to and around them.

Nonsexual physical intimacy - a really great hug, or leaning together on the sofa, or a forehead touch, or something like those, something that could happen in a lot of different kinds of relationships but is undoubtedly based in deep trust and affection and a desire to be close...that's the dream, for me. Oh, how lovely it would be.

Of course, I could be just absolutely, embarrassingly wrong about all this. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

[entity9silvergen]

Mosaic (Disenchantment Fanfiction)

Summary: We are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are. Bean doesn’t think she can love like everyone else but maybe that’s okay.

Fandom: Disenchantment 

Word Count: 2K

Characters: Bean

Relationships: Bean/ Mora, Mentioned Bean & Everyone, Mentioned Odval/ Sorcerio, Mentioned Zog/ Oona, Mentioned Zog/ Dagmar

Warnings: Internalized arophobia, first person pov, some self-deprecation, sex mention, drug mention, mention of interspecies relationships in fantasy setting 

Other Tags: F/F, Mentioned F/F QPR, Reflection/ Self-Reflection/ Internal Thoughts, No Dialogue, Queerplatonic, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Homosexual Character, Arospec Character, Queer Themes, Unreliable Narrarator, S3E6, Oneshot, AroWriMo 2021

Author’s Note: My friend sent me the line “I am a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved” about twenty minutes after I watched “Final Splash.” I’m working on the prompt for Week 2 of AroWriMo rn but I had to drop everything and write a short fic about this. Again, I didn’t really use the prompt but it kind of fits with week 1’s prompt romo/loveless & future. 

I’m headcanonnoning Bean as aro or demiro/ greyro. I think in the show it was implied she never experienced romantic attraction prior to meeting Mora because she likes women and I don’t want to erase that in any way but Bean still gives off a big aromantic bisexual homo(queer)platonic vibe.

_____________________

My name is Princess Tiabeanie of Dreamland and I’ve never loved anyone.

I mean, I love my dad and my friends and all that but I’ve never loved loved anyone. Is that weird to say? That makes it sound like I don’t really love my dad and Elfo and Luci and everyone. I probably shouldn’t say that then because I actually love them a lot. They’re my everything. 

One time, I was walking down Elf-Ally and this elf was sitting on the side of the road with some chalk. I feel like elves would really like chalk but I’ve never seen any of them use it, not even Arto, except this guy. I’d never seen anything like it before so I asked what he was doing and he said he was making this mosaic to show his love for this other elf he liked. I didn’t really understand it so he explained it to me like this: we are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are.

I still didn’t get it so I just laughed at him and he got kind of upset and threw a piece of chalk at me. It didn’t really hurt but Luci was with me and the elf started throwing stuff at him and you know how Luci gets when he hits his nose so we left. I couldn’t really forget what that elf said though. 

You see, a mosaic is a mix of a bunch of little pieces taken from different things that all come together to make one thing. There’s this mosaic at the church and it’s pretty freaking ugly but the mosaic this elf was making was just so beautiful. He used so many colors and he drew all these little pictures and hid these words I didn’t understand in them. I’d expect it to be all crude and gross like those scribbly pictures Derek would draw when he was younger that Oona pretended to love but it all came together so well. It didn’t even look like separate pieces. It was just one.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The influences of countless parts of my life, weaving together into an insanely complex mesh- That felt like me. I always felt like something was broken in me but maybe I’m just a mosaic. 

I think my dad made me who I am the most. Even if he wasn’t really present most of my life. Sure, we don’t see eye to eye sometimes but I think we’re better because of that. He made me strong. His actions guided me into becoming the woman I am today. He taught me how to keep fighting. Literally and figuratively. He taught me to keep my head up and he taught me how to stab people. It’s pretty cool. I remember this one time as a kid he took me out to the courtyard, stole this guy’s knife, and taught me how to use it. I think I still have the knife actually. I don’t stab people with it anymore though.

(I hope he’s okay. He hasn’t been the same in awhile.)

My mom… Well, I don’t really love her anymore but I did for a long time. She was… How do I put it? A constant in my life. Even though she wasn’t there. What I felt towards her, it kept me together for a long time. When I had nothing to fall back on, I always had her memory. Until she tried to take over Dreamland, obviously. Now I just say she gave me my love for alcohol and that’s pretty sweet too. 

(I still miss her. I bet she’s dead.)

You know those pictures where the guy has an angel and demon on his shoulders telling him what to do? That’s Elfo and Luci, and it’s literal for Luci. And maybe for Elfo? He did go to heaven that one time. It can be kind of annoying to hear them bickering all the time, especially since they almost never want the same thing, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Elfo keeps me safe and Luci pushes me to be more than I am. They make life fun. Fuller. Less lonely.

(I’m scared they might leave someday. I wouldn’t blame them.)

I don’t really like Derek but I still love him. Maybe a little less since he tried to burn me at the stake. Maybe a little more since he chickened out at the last second. And a little less because he still went through with it. And maybe a little more since it was an accident. We have a complicated relationship but he’s still my little brother, as weird as he is. He reminds me of what I have to fight for, if that makes sense. I don’t really see him as the future of Dreamland or anything but he’s still a little kid and I can’t really help but have a soft spot for him. Don’t tell him I said that.

(I wonder if he’ll keep me around when he’s king. I’d be lying if I said I was surprised.)

The same goes for Oona. I never liked her but I think I love her. Especially after she tried to save me from my mom. And since she became an epic pirate. She’s awesome. She’s the mom I always wished I had except she was actually there the whole time and I didn’t realize it. I’m happy with how things turned out though. I don’t regret it. Plus she’s got great taste in drugs. I still steal them sometimes.

(I don’t know if she loves me. Maybe she did once but not anymore.)

I kind of hate Odval and Sorcerio in a weird way where I like them at the same time. They’re not really family but always been there. Like they’re kind of like second dads to me. Second dads whose the sex lives I know way too much about. My gay polyamorous uncles? But they kind of care under all that court properness and tradition nonsense so they’ve kind of wormed their way into my heart. They’ve always made my life difficult but I don’t think I would be myself if I wasn’t challenged so much.

(I think they’d rather have me gone. They don’t hide it every well but I can pretend.)

I’m going to be honest, I was really bummed when Pendergast died. We were kind of the same age and he hung around the castle for most of my life. And my dad trusted him so we actually did stuff together sometimes. A lot of adventures that never really went anywhere. He could be kind of a stick in the mud but he never really minded that I’m a girl and let me tag along on crusades and helped me get better with weapons and stuff. And Pendergast was weirdly loyal to Dreamland, even after Dad forked his eye out. Or was it spooned? I don’t remember. Some kind of eating utensil. I wasn’t there when it happened. But it was nice knowing I could trust him. He could be kind of fun though when he was off-duty. Total lightweight though. He threw up on one of those little guys who carries dad’s cape once. 

(I wish I’d known him better. I really miss him but I can’t tell anyone since Dad gets set off by anything that even reminds him of the guy.)

Who else is there? That’s right, Mertz and Turbish. Turbish and Mertz. Two peas in a pod. Plus Mrs. Mertz. Don’t get me wrong, they are idiots. Totally incompentant. It’s a wonder they’re still alive. But they’re sweet. And they try. They’re not good at anything but they try. Sometimes I don’t want to try but they tell me I always can.

(I’m waiting for the day they realize they could have a better life. It’ll be weird not having them around the palace.)

I even kind of like Merkimer. As a pig, not a human. God, he was an awful human but he’s a funny little pig. He lets Luci ride on his back sometimes. Both of them like it way more than either of them will ever admit. It’s cute. I think they’re friends. If they’re not, Elfo and I will start plotting until they are. Or maybe not. A Luci-Merkimer friendship might be too much for Dreamland to handle. They’re kind of a lot, even on their own. Merkimer always kind of had a big head and it only got bigger when he accepted his new life. It’s actually kind of inspiring how happy he is now. 

(I don’t want him to change but he already has. It makes me sad sometimes.)

And Bunty. Oh, Bunty. And Stan! The world doesn’t really deserve Bunty. Stan does though. I think they’re the ones who taught me what real love is. Bunty always showed me love as a kid, she was like the second mom I never had but actually did have because Oona was there. But she gave me something neither Oona or Dagmar could. I didn’t really understand it until I saw her and Stan and their family together. I still don’t. They’re really sweet.

(I’d give them everything. I know they just see me as some spoiled princess though.)

I want what those two have. Or what Odval and Sorcerio have. What my dad had with Dagmar or Oona. What Elfo’s had, and Luci’s had, and Derek’s had, and the knights have had. It feels like everyone’s had that kind of deep love at some point except me. I didn’t even realize until I was talking to Mora. 

I’ve had the chance to have it. Merkimer, that brother of his I accidentally killed, that one time Pendergast made a pass at me, that Steamland guy… I don’t think any of it really would’ve worked out though. I’ve had a lot of things with guys and there’s been kissing and touching and I’ve always enjoyed it but I think I always knew it would never go anywhere. That it will never go anywhere. And I can’t even blame my dad because it’s all me. It’s always been me. And I’m okay with that? Maybe? I don’t think so but I’m not really good at understanding my feelings. It’s just another thing on the pile of things I won’t work through.

I think I understood what I had with Mora though. It wasn’t… romantic but it felt like it almost was. We just… clicked. It felt right. She was tough and funny and she didn’t hold anything back. She followed her dreams and didn’t let the world get her down. That one night we had together, I felt like we were alone in the world.

Mora gave me the ocean and the stars.

She was beautiful. Maybe that’s what was missing? None of the guys I ever screwed around with were beautiful. Not like Mora was. Not like a woman can be. I really felt like this was it but there was still that disconnect. Like something was there but not quite. Like something was missing. I don’t know what it was.

But then she just left. I had that dream and I just felt so happy. I’d never felt happiness like that. And I never felt pain like the pain I felt when I woke up and the necklace was gone. I definitely would’ve cried if Elfo wasn’t there. I might’ve actually cried a little bit. It’s kind of hard to hear anything when Elfo’s sobbing. Some of those tears might have been mine.

Did I love her? I don’t think so. Not like Elfo loved that boat. It wasn’t romantic. But it was real. It gives me hope. I don’t think I’m capable of the same kind of love everyone else seems capable of and that’s not even a slight at me. It’s just reality. But what I had with Mora, however brief and imagined it was, tells me that’s okay. I don’t need the kind of love everyone else has. Not when I have so many others in my life.

Still, I hope I see her again, even for a second, just to feel that kind of happiness again.

I think that’s what that elf meant when he said we are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are. Mora was beautiful and she didn’t see it but maybe she would if she saw how I looked at her. 

Stars and the ocean, I’ll never forget them. They’ll be a part of my mosaic forever.

Other AroWriMo Fics By Me, Posted on Ao3, Posted on FFN

[roryka]

@toastytoaster22 thanks for tagging me i love ask games aaaa

relationships: hmmm i’m aro but i’ve been in two previous romantic relationships (one was Not Very Fun) and now i’m in a really good relationship but it’s more queerplatonic tbh

breakups: 1 and a half

kids: it’s still too early for me to think about honestly

siblings: i grew up an only child but i have 1 half-sibling i spent a lot of vacations with as a kid and 2 step-siblings i’m spending a lot of time with now!

surgeries: none so far! i’m a healthy boy

pets: i have only ever had one doggo at a time but they total to three doggos at present. my first dog was named pal and the second was solstice, current pupper is named ruby tuesday and i love her SO MUCH

tattoos: none!

countries i’ve been in: canada, usa, mexico, england, france, spain, italy, greece, aaand turkey

been in an airplane: MANY times. weirdly i actually really enjoy flying

been in an ambulance: thankfully never!

sung karaoke: all the GOTdamn time i’m so embarrassed

ice skating: i’ve been a couple times but i kinda suck at it...

been on a cruise: once when i was 12!

driven a motorcycle: TOO MUCH ANXIETY. i don’t think i could hdsgjdgjj

ridden a horse: AW YEEAAAH!! horses are so cool dude i love them

stayed in a hospital: a few times, never for anything serious though

fave fruit: ALL FRUIT. I JUST REALLY LOVE FRUIT OKAY

fave colours: bbbblue babyyy... god i love purple too though

coffee or tea: coffee tastes bad and makes me tired so i’ll have to say tea but honestly my fave drink is juice or water

fave pizza: CHEEEEESEEEE

fave pie: i don’t like pie asdfghjkl

cat or dog: DOGGO!!! POOCHIE PUBBER PUPPYYYYY

fave time of year: HALLOWEEN SPOOKY TIME AW YEAH

met a star: bro wym the stars are all in the sky. are you okay (honestly i don’t know anything about anyone famous so if i ever did i probably didn’t know it)

flown a helicopter: NO BUT NOW I KIND OF WANT TO DESPITE THE ANXIETY

been on TV: no??? thankfully??? i would hate that

broken my leg: nope! somehow...

seen a ghost: seen one? no. had a paranormal experience? more than a few.

been sick in a taxi: not sick per se but when i was in turkey we took a taxi to a museum and the driver was speeding along these little narrow streets and i thought i was gonna be LMAO

THIS WAS SO FUN TO DO tagging @sweetbabyrayray @nina-sayu if u guys wanna do it too :3

[flarebossmalva]

okay i’m gonna try and decipher that last post? i used to vaguely follow mogai stuff because of being involved in the ~*~aroace community~*~ (till i realized their politics sucked and they didn’t actually care about aromantics at all) so i might know some of these. then again i might not

queer. considering that any LGBT person can reclaim that word that’s really all-encompassing. you might as well have said “this day is for the entire community but we will call you slurs” actually when i put it that way that’s an awful community event

hey what the FUCK does "transexpressive” mean is that like a fancy way of saying gender nonconforming or what the hell fresh nonsense is this

i’ve heard lithsexual/lithromantic used to mean “likes giving but not receiving” which afaik is just being stone butch and a separate word was not required. or idk just tell your partner about that instead of informing the public it’s kinda unnecessary information for the rest of us. akoi- i don’t know anything about

aspec, which i guess would refer to any ace &/or aro person. pretty broad considering how many weirdly specific identities this person thought needed to be included

dunno what “pomo” means in a sexual/romantic context but my first thought was postmodern

sure neutrois people are transgender and therefore LGBT but idk that they need their own day, i mean, a lot of nonbinary identities (including some common ones) aren’t on here at all so it seems a bit random to include this one

no idea what either of these are

“let’s give women who love women, men who love men, and nonbinary people who love nonbinary people a single day out of the month, to share, but demisexuals need like a week to themselves”

i’ve seen this word once before and i think it just means multiple gender attracted but every time i read it i think of an alien with like two heads or something

no idea but i hope it’s to do with condiments

culture exclusive genders all get one day to share because we wouldn’t want to seem racist by not acknowledging transgender people of color but we also aren’t dedicated enough to uplifting those folks to support their specific identities. anyway 21 days of the month are going to be dedicated to genders that a white kid made up yesterday

never heard of these either

i used to ID as a type of genderflux because i liked the word and the definition but i ended up ditching it because no one knew what it meant and i’d always end up explaining by calling myself genderfluid. oh, and genderfluid isn’t on here, spoilers i guess

“heteroflexible” i am ascending... i can’t believe “internalized homophobia” is a valid orientation in mogai land but here we are. nice of them to include homoflexible too in case you’re bisexual but don’t like calling yourself bisexual for some reason

i guess including LGBT subcultures isn’t a totally bad idea but it’s kind of unnecessary as everyone who’s part of one of those subcultures would already have a day. oh wait there’s not a day for being lesbian... or gay... or bi... or trans... hrm... who is this pride month for again

never heard either of these terms but assuming that these are gender descriptors i’m guessing “midbinary” means essentially the same thing as “androgyne” and “abinary” is just... nonbinary... or something

i guess this would cover bigender, trigender, etc., but i’ve never heard anyone say “multigender” before

assuming this one means your gender is not of this earth and honestly i think that’s #valid and also a big mood

listen... as a mentally ill trans person i understand that one’s perception of one’s gender can have a lot to do with mental health but at the same time if anyone told me they were anxiousgender i would probably laugh

queerplatonic isn’t an identity it’s a relationship descriptor

i thought this was a pokemon for a solid minute then i realized i was thinking of altaria

thought these were just less gendered alternatives to diamoric/sapphic/achillean tbh

“cissexism is queer i swear”

no fucking idea what this means but the -sex suffix makes me think it has to do with bio sex which is... not an identity it’s just how your body is, like, i’d be intersex regardless of whether i said i was or no

i do know this one. it’s an nb identity that’s essentially “i do have a gender but it’s not male or female or a mix of the two”

this sounds like something you get diagnosed with and it’s terminal

this sounds like the med they prescribe you after diagnosing you with the above

??? astrology ??? 

OHHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD

reverse of lith-, means likes receiving but not giving, not really an orientation so much as a relationship preference

of course they would end with aplatonic of course they would why not

in conclusion i’ve just lost ten years off my life and also as a gay transgender intersex aromantic i genuinely have no idea what days i’m allowed to celebrate on under this calendar. good thing i plan to die immediately now that i’ve finished reading this awful, awful post

[impossible-rat-babies]

#30dayDAchallenge

Day 18: Companions!

This one is gonna be hella long folks!

Darva Lavellan: 

He’s got his handy dandy relationship chart!

Darva has a lot of feelings about all of them and he’s honestly one to love a lot folks and be close to a majority of them.

(Also that is how he writes his name. He can’t read or write worth shit.)

(This chart also came from trashwarden who is a great individual yo.)

Josephine: She’s really smart and clever to him. She’s really good at her job and makes dealing with nobles a much easier task. He thinks the Inquisition would be long gone if they didn’t have her to make sure they had a good appearance to the nobility. She taught him a great deal with social graces and dealing with people since he wasn’t very good at it beforehand. He also just loves her a lot too. (Assassins to deal with the contract on her life.)

Cullen: He’s good at what he does and he respects and trusts his ability to lead the troops. He’s probably a little more serious than Darva is used to, but he still jokes with him and teases him. He has a very lowkey crush on him that wouldn’t get anywhere for a whole host of reasons. (Cullen isn’t interested in him like that and they’re two different people that wouldn’t work well together like that.) (Cullen stopped taking Lyrium.)

Leliana: He has a ton of respect for her as an accomplished spymaster, bard, and Veteran of the Fifth Blight. Her knowledge is invaluable and they Inquisition would be nowhere without her. He also thinks she’s of her as a close friend and confidant. They can also push aside the professionalism and joke around with each other and have a good time. There’s also a level of mutual respect that makes their relationship that much stronger. (Softened Leliana)

Cassandra: He’s closest to her next to Dorian and Sera. She’s hasn’t always agreed with him, but she’s supported him nonetheless. She always has faith in him and that they’re going to succeed. She sees what they must do when he gets hung up on the details. She motivates him to do better and be better. He’s also there to help her when she needs it and be her confidant. They both helped each other so much and are very close as a result. He will unashamedly tell people that he loves her; it’s a very close and queerplatonic relationship between the two. (Tracked down the missing Seekers and left their fate in her hands.)

Solas: He never really liked him. He always was very aloof and pompous to him; he always seemed to look down on him in a really negative way that made Darva’s skin crawl. They were cordial to each other when needed, but they never end up close. When Trespasser happens, it just turns to utter hatred. He’s destroyed the Inquisition and undermined his faith in them doing good, he’s vaguely the reason his hand is trying to kill him, and he’s going to destroy the world. He hates Solas a great deal for good reason. (Didn’t save Solas’ friend; didn’t even get the quest.)

Varric: He’s friends and has a lot of respect for him. His stories make him laugh and he’s always willing to play Wicked Grace with him. I think when he gets too fidgety with his hands, he looks for Varric so they can play. He messes with the cards rather than his hands. After Trespasser, they end up much closer. Varric spends a lot of time looking out for him and his recovery despite his duties as Viscount. They’d play cards a lot. After Darva recovers from scarring his face, he spends more time helping Varric out around. Darva is technically a Comte, so he can stick his nose in all of the business to help. (Helped Varric track where the red lyrium was being smuggled from.)

Sera: They have a complex relationship as the whole business moves forward with the Inquisition. They do grow very close to each other; Darva understands how her thoughts work when other’s don’t really get it or don’t bother to understand it. He wants to be friends with her because he likes who she is; her network is useful and she’s has good skills that he respects, but he likes who she is. However, after the Temple of Mythal they have a falling out. He’s upset that she sees it all as demon rubbish when it’s his culture and his past staring them in the face. They got some very important information not only to defeat Corphyeus, but elvhen history. She doesn’t see it that way and they get into a nasty fight. (It’s also not long after Darva has lost the clan, so her being all gross about it is just another log on the fire of him feeling Utterly Awful.) They do make up after taking down Corphyeus and they aren’t quite the same as before, but they are better. They’re much better off by the time Trespasser roles around and there’s nothing they wouldn’t do for each other. (He let her kill Harmond.)

Vivienne: He thinks she’s a powerful mage who has done much in politics for herself and her fellow mages. He has a great deal of respect for her even though they don’t see eye to eye on politics. He doesn’t entirely trust her and their relationship is certainly a more professional one. (Gave her the Snowy Wyvern heart.)

Iron Bull: Darva thinks he’s hilarious and that he’s the tallest person he’s ever seen. Like Darva is only five foot two, so most people are taller than him, but Bull is by far the tallest. Like wowza so tall. He’s actually kinda terrified the first time he picks him up purely for the sake of picking him up lol. They do get closer after dealing with the alliance with the Qunari and saving the Chargers. I think they grow more into a personal relationship rather than one of professionalism. Darva can always use his gross, self deprecating humor around Bull because he knows he’s just being funny about it and that if he has actual issues, he’ll seek them out. Also, Darva has a lowkey crush on a lot of people, including Bull. (Saved the Chargers.)

Dorian: Tomorrow we’ll get a whole day of me screaming about the two of them and their relationship, so we’ll save that for then!

Blackwall: He has a great deal of respect for him as an accomplished fighter. Their relationship is a little awkward since Darva’s humor comes out the most when people are trying to be serious, which is in conflict with Blackwall being all serious. After Revelations, Darva does feel lied to and cheated. But he didn’t lie for a bad reason; he had good intentions. But what he did in the past was awful. However, Darva knows from personal experience that he’s saying worse things to himself than he ever could. (He frees him to let him make up for his mistakes.)

Cole: Darva finds Cole really, really interesting. How he thinks and looks at the world is bizarre, but not bad. He isn’t particularly keen when Cole looks to him to start trying to help him solve his issues. It’s a source of conflict, particularly with difficult issues that Darva would rather shove under the rug or not deal with with Cole being all in his business. Ofc, Cole doesn’t always let him do that, so conflict. Still, he wants to help Cole and be close to him. (I made Cole more human.)

Eth Tabris: 

Alistair: We’re gonna have a whole day about their relationship tomorrow!

Dog (Dorrun): She would die for her dog and she loves him so much. She loves Dorrun so much. He’s her first love and she HATED leaving him at the gates knowing they’d never see each other again. With Awakening, she misses him and Alistair the most. It’d be a lot better if she could have her dog with her.

Morrigan: They were close to each other despite their differences and Eth’s tendency to go out of her way to help those in need when there were more pressing matters. Still, I think Morrigan admires her strength and tenacity to get things done. Eth is understanding and fulfills her requests because they’re friends and that’s what friends do. Their relationship falls apart after Eth rejected the ritual and they never get to say goodbye or make up for what happened. I think Morrigan really regrets what happened with that.

Leliana: They are super close and kinda gay. Like very queerplatonic with each other. There’s nothing they wouldn’t do for each other. With Awakening AU, they grow very close and Eth spends a lot of her time with Leliana after the darkspawn mess is dealt with. They’re inseparable for many years after the Blight until Leliana’s duties took her away and Eth left to deal with her own mess. With Inquisition, they spend much of their time together and Leliana is a bit of a mediator between others and Eth when things aren’t working out. She was next to Eth the whole way through Halamshiral, talking to nobles on her behalf and making sure she didn’t make a fool of herself.

“You’re awful at this Eth…” “Well, last time I was in a courtly setting was Vigil’s Keep, but we don’t like to talk about those days. And before that, I cut off a man’s head and chose the Ferelden throne. I’m just not used to so little bloodshed.” “The night is still young.”

Sten: He’s even taller than Alistair and she’s astounded. She also doesn’t understand the whole Qunari way of life, but she tries to understand and maybe get Sten to understand her way of life. Although, when he calls her badass she just swells up and is all like: “DAMN STRAIGHT STEN!” Everyone is worried the darkspawn are going to find them because she said it so loudly. Sten is kinda impressed such a loud voice came from such a tiny body.

Wyne: God, Wyne becomes such a motherly figure with all the trappings of a motherly figure. Wyne supports her, cares for her, trusts her, respects her, loves her, worries over her and Eth is just one big ole teary eyed “SAME.” She actually makes her think a lot about between her and Alistair and ending the Blight. She thinks about it a fuck ton and it comes crashing down on her again after Riordan tells them how an Archdemon is killed. She has to sacrifice herself to save them. She has to make that choice that she said she couldn’t make. It’s really, really tragic.

Zevran: They are bound in sass, bad jokes and the shared struggles of city elves. They’re really close to each other from early on despite that he did try to kill her and Alistair. He can’t be that bad and she knows if he tries and kill her, she will kill him first, no doubt. But, that never happens and they will make jokes at Alistair’s expense and the expense of each other. Deep down, they really do care deeply for each other.

Shale: So big, much sass. God, Eth loves them even though Shale doesn’t call her by her name and thinks she’s just a pile of squishy goo. Albeit, a strong piece of squishy goo.

Oghren: A whole lotta nope. She helps him with his transition to the surface and other such issues, but other than that he can stay the complete other side of camp. He can give her bad reminders of her days in the Alienage. She still tries to be civil however hard it is to do.

[ncscope-archived-blog]

ALL OF THE SYMBOLS

// LIAM WHY.

@lifereturned

SEND ME A SYMBOL AND I’LL ANSWER OOC

ѩ - Are there any characters that you love, but simply cannot role play?

SO MANY. In Overwatch alone, I think pretty much all of them. I would love to be able to write as Hanzo for instance, but he’s a very complex character and I would be really scared of making a walking cliché out of him. Bastion is another one I would have loved to write for, the whole non-verbal communication fascinates me, but I’m afraid my writing would quickly become very redundant and repetitive, so I abstained. That’s pretty much why I went for Brigitte as my second OW muse tbh, with a character we know so little about, it’s hard to really get her wrong. McCree is one I would love to know how to write too, I’m a huge Westerns fan, and he’s one of my favourite characters in OW on so many levels. But for the life of me, I can’t write his goddamn accent. 

Җ - What’s your greatest source of inspiration when it comes to role playing? 

For canon characters, the original characters themselves. For Ana, in-games lines, comics, and whatever we get from Blizzard. I love to work primarily with the primary material and expand with my own analysis and headcanons. For OCs, films, series and literature are my three sources of inspiration, also real-life people. 

ℛ - Are you religious?

Not at all. I find the subject of religions very interesting, but I gave up trying to believe in (a) God when I was about eight years old. 

�� - Do you listen to music when you write? If yes, what kind of music?

Always, I can’t write without music. I just listen to music I associate with the character I’m writing for. Or Irish music. Irish music always inspired me for some reason. Still looking for an explanation for that, but. Yeah. Irish music and pirate music and sailor songs and - don’t judge me.

ᚡ - Random fact about the mun?

I got into university before I graduated from highschool. Blame it on a poorly timed appendicitis/peritonitis, and a very understanding university staff. Taking my baccalaureate the week my first term at uni officially started was a very weird feeling. 

✒ - Do you have a preference when it comes to gender regarding your muses?

I used to play a lot more male than female muses. Now I try to make it more balanced. 

ಹ - Share a story from your childhood

My mind has gone completely blank on this one. I’ve always been taller than everyone in my class and in my age group? That’s a story, right? I was a giant beanpole when growing up. Still am, even though a few people have managed to catch up.

෴ - Tell us about your day.

I sdly didn’t get to do anything remotely interesting today. I was very tired mostly, I’ve reached the limit of what my body and mind can endure in terms of going to bed too late and rising too early, I think, hence my sheer lack of productivity, and I had to give a very stressful phone call to Student Loa.ns services for a payment I didn’t know I had to make, so overall I just tried to drown my stress into playing Overwatch and reading and watching a movie haha. 

㉘ - How do you usually spend your birthdays?

I try to spend them as discreetly as possible and not make a fuss out of them - I don’t like growing older. But my friends always find a way to drag me out of my room to go to a bar or something. I don’t like being in the spotlight so birthday parties tend to make me uneasy, but they don’t care, but I still love them (my friends, not the parties). 

⨌ - If you ever had the opportunity to clone yourself, would you?

Hell no. My clone would probably do a better job at being me than myself, and I couldn’t stand it.

ᚖ - Do you wear makeup?

I do, mascara and lipstick, eyeliner if I’m feeling super motivated. I never wear foundation or anything to cover my skin though, I don’t like the feeling. 

༺ - Do you have any siblings? What’s your relationship with them like?

I have a younger brother who is two years younger than me. He’s 21 and recently moved out of the house. We had a complicated relationship while growing up - our parents put us in constant competition, even i they didn’t mean it, and he resented me for a very long time for that. Probably still does, but things got better after I moved out of the house five years ago. We don’t talk much and things are still a bit weird, but he doesn’t hate me and doesn’t get jealous anymore, so that’s an improvement. I also have a younger half-sister, she’s 8, and she lives with my father about three hours away from where I live. I didn’t see her very often over the past five years (I was living abroad in the UK) but I absolutely adore her and she’s apparently my n°1 fan, we have a great relationship despite out 15 years age gap. 

๛ - Share an embarrassing story about yourself!

I’m scared of riding bicycles since I fell off one and hurt my knee and had to ride my bike for five more kilometers while bleeding on the road. It was eight years ago. I’m still scared of bicycles. 

❤ - Are you and/or your muse currently in love with someone?

I am not in love with anyone - I’m aromantic so it’s not something I miss. As for Ana, she isn’t romantically involved with anyone at the moment. I’ve been fortunate enough to tumble across @lifereturned and to start a beautiful queerplatonic ship between his Jack and my Ana, something I never thought would ever happen considering how crucial romantic ships are on tumblr and how little known the term queerplatonic is. I like the idea of romantic ships, I’m just very insecure about my writing of romance and therefore only every romantically ship with rp partners I’ve grown to know on a more personal level and with whom I’ve roleplayed already. And even then, I’m never going to tell them “hey let’s ship”, so except if someone comes to me stating “I ship you Ana and my [insert name of the character]”, Ana will probably remain a single mother forever. 

To put it more simply, I’m a sucker for platonic/queerplatonic ships, and I also love romantic ships, I just think I’m awful at writing them but I’m more than willing to explore the idea with rp partners I have chemistry with. Chemistry is the key. If we have chemistry, you can throw you character at me, chances are I will say “let’s do it”. 

ℳ - Do you think you have a good handwriting?

My 8-yo sister has a better handwriting than I do.

☢ - When was the last time you went to the cinema? What movie did you watch?

Last wednesday, I went to see La La Land. A great movie when it comes to cinematography and direction, but story-wise or in terms of content, I found it pretty boring and empty. Gotta love the opening song though, I can’t stop listening to it. And Emma Stone is wonderful.

⨕ - Are you a jealous role player?

Not at all. I can get very insecure and get these irrationals feelings of “oh God what if my rp partners find a better version of my character than me”, but I don’t get angry at them or bitter, it’s literally just an irrational fear. I’m not a jealous person in general. Insecure and self-loathing probably, but not jealous.The few times I’ve experienced jealousy were not roleplay-related.