#I think I've got ideas but I'm unsure if anyone would wanna know

[canary-song]

It's all fun and games imagining scenarios until I get too attached to MCU TV Daredevil Canon and Karen becomes inextricably related to Urich's death. Pete bugs Murdock over knowledge on a current case (for an "interview", but its Spiderman business too) until Karen spots him and recognizes him as Urich's kid and he has never gotten out of somewhere so fast while staying on the ground.

How do you handle grief you thought you'd buried enough it would never hurt you again? How can you look someone in the eyes and stop yourself from admitting you could have saved him?

And on Karen's side, how do you not ask? What if you finally get answers for what truly happened? What if you've found someone who might fully understand losing him?

[rvlse]

Greetings and happy new year! 🎉

Could I request an one-shot with TFOne Sentinel Prime, please? Write any scenario you want. I'm so thirsty to read about him 🥲

(It's okay if you don't want to take this request)

HII! Happy new year, I'd be more than happy to take this request <3 I hope you enjoy it!

Tbh I hope nobody already did this yet lol I've had this idea in my head for a few weeks..

ALSO for everyone who sent me asks, I'm working on them all!

(SENTINEL TFO X GN! READER)

WARNINGS: not too bad, does get a little suggestive tho 😉

Oh, you were going to kill Orion. What had he been thinking? Joining the Iacon 5000? What was wrong with him?

You, Orion, and D-16 had absolutely embarrassed yourselves out in the race. There was a reason miners weren’t allowed to participate, and of course Orion needed to find out why. 

“I just wanna know what your thought process was. I mean, seriously?” You scolded the red and blue bot, who was finding the floor extremely interesting. 

“I’m sorry, Y/N, Dee, but I just wanted to-” 

“You always want to do everything! You can’t ever just stay in your place!” You interrupted him. You were absolutely fuming. Shocker that no one could see the smoke coming out of your audials right now.

Orion didn’t reply, so you just crossed your arms and looked the other way. Dee hadn’t said anything, either.

Just as you were about to open your intake to spit a bunch of curses at Pax (again), four thin black cybertronian legs appeared in the doorway of the medbay, followed by heavy footsteps.

It was pretty obvious who was about to appear. Arachnid, the four legged cybertronian bodyguard, was the only hint you needed. Sentinel Prime. Wonderful. You could only hope he wouldn’t demote you for the stunt the three of you- Orion had pulled… or worse.

Arachnid’s many optics deep scanned you and your friends’ frames, giving all three of you a suspicious glare up and down.

“All clear,” she finally spoke, backing up as the one and only Sentinel Prime stomped into the room to take her place. You wouldn’t lie, he was quite the sight. Blue and gold was a gorgeous color combination, and he wore it perfectly. But… he was pissed. 

His optic ridges were furrowed together, his lips pulled taught, and the glare he held in his optics would offline bots if it could.

“D-16, Orion Pax,” he started, bringing his servos to his shiny hips as he gave your friends a firm once over.

“Y/N…” his dominating gaze narrowed on you. You suddenly felt a bit tense, straightening your backstrut and holding your helm up a bit more. 

Sentinel’s curious optics scanned your frame from your helm to your pedes, and then slowly… too slowly, back up to your optics. Your digits fidgeted with themselves as you tried to make sense of the situation. 

“What you three did today was one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen,” he started off, servos still on his hips.

Orion Pax got up off the medical berth and opened his intake, “sir, this was all my idea and we’re so sorry-” 

“I loved it!” Sentinel interrupted, his servos going up into the air. The three of you gave him a blank, confused stare. 

“You did?” Orion questioned, not believing the Prime’s words.

“How could anyone not love it? You gave my best racers a real run for their money,” Sentinel continued, getting down on one knee to be optic level with the three of you. 

You weren’t too certain of the mech in front of you. He seemed… too animated. Too excited. Too friendly. 

“So… we’re not getting demoted?” Dee spoke up, his voice soft and hopeful.

“Demoted?” the Prime repeated, shocked at his suggestion. Then, Sentinel let out a thick, hearty laugh, the type of laugh that just screamed arrogance.

Uncomfortably, Dee and Orion tried to laugh along, unsure of what the joke was. You just sat there on the medical berth with your arms crossed. You weren’t buying whatever show Sentinel was putting on.

After another few awkward moments of chatter, Arachnid finally let the Prime know his time was up and that he had places to be.

“I’m sorry, my friends, we’re preparing our next trip to the surface,” Sentinel told the three of you, his apologizing gaze travelling over your frames. But then, for the second time today, the Prime’s optics fell on you, his optics half lidded and dark.

“But in the meantime, I’ve got a treat for you,” he continued, letting his vision trail across your body.

“Arachnid, have someone escort these heroes-” he turned to his assistant and gestured to your friends, Orion and Dee, “-to my personal service facilities. The best care in Iacon,” the Prime congratulated the two mechs.

And then he turned his helm to you, and raised his servo. Confused, you opened your intake to ask questions, but Sentinel’s digits touched the bottom of your jaw, and closed your intake for you.

“As for them,” the blue mech addressed you, moving his thumb up so it was just barely grazing your lips, pushing your helm up as if he was inspecting you.

“Take them to my quarters. I want a word with them,” he finished, letting go of your face and standing up to his full height. It was worth mentioning that he absolutely towered over all three of you.

Arachnid didn’t ask questions, just nodded and called someone up on her comm link as Sentinel Prime gave you one last look before he turned and left the medbay. 

What the frag just happened? 

Your helm turned, bewildered, to your friends.

“What was that? Why was he so touchy-feely? Why am I going somewhere else?” you panicked, your servos in the air as you interrogated the two miner bots, faceplates burning hot.

Dee raised his own servos to try and calm you down. 

“Woah, woah, I’m sure it’s fine! He’s a Prime, he wouldn’t hurt anybody. You’re fine,” Dee tried to comfort you, smiling. Orion nodded enthusiastically behind him.

“Yeah, Y/N, you’ll be okay. I’m sure whatever he has planned, it’s go-” Pax tried to say.

“URGH… MINERS!” Darkwing bellowed from the hallway, clearly infuriated. 

“Well. That’s unfortunate,” you stated upon seeing him, raising an optic ridge. 

And just like that, Orion and D-16 were taken away, and you didn’t think they were getting the ‘best care in Iacon’ anymore.

Another pair of footsteps sounded in the hallway, this time lighter and more friendly seeming. Prepared for whatever it was that was about to appear, you sat stoically on the med berth.

Closer, and closer… 

“Hi!” the mystery figure spoke, popping out from behind the wall. 

“I was instructed to bring you to Sentinel’s quarters… so c’mon!” the pink and white bot exclaimed, grabbing your arm and dragging you off the berth. 

“Uhm.. okay,” you complied, not wanting to get in any more trouble than you might already be in. 

About five minutes later, you stood outside of two humongous gold doors. The cheery bot that had brought you here knocked three times on them, and then retreated behind you, putting their servos on your shoulders. 

You swallowed nervously when you heard the same heavy footsteps as you did earlier, and after another second, those golden gates flung open, revealing Sentinel’s daunting frame. 

The pink and white bot shoved you rather harshly forward, gave you a pat on your back, and then turned and left. Great. So it was just you and the Prime. 

“Please, come in…” Sentinel started, a cunning, attractive smile on his features. You gave him an untrusting glare, and hesitantly, warily, stepped inside his abode. 

“What do you want?” you questioned him the second you entered his quarters, turning around to face him. Bad idea, that height difference really was extreme. 

“Oho, straight to the point, are you?” he chuckled, putting his servos behind his back as he took a couple steps closer to you. His optics were doing that stupid attractive stare again. Frag. It would be bad if you were actually getting horny right now. Which you were. Frag again. 

You didn’t answer him, just clenched your servos into fists and glared defiantly up at him. 

“Okay, then. I can play that way, too…” he murmured.

“I saw you out there. In the race. You’re… frag, you’re gorgeous,” he scoffed, laughed, as if it were obvious why he had called you here.

Your optics narrowed, your glare only getting harsher. 

“So, I decided I just had to have you, princess,” he confessed, bending his upper half down so that he could see you optic to optic. Which, his were still half lidded and his gaze was extremely intense. 

At his pet name, you reeled back, the density of your situation finally weighing on you. Ohhh slag. The Sentinel Prime wanted you. YOU. 

You swallowed again, your optics going wide. 

“Pshh- you’re kidding, right?” you fake laughed, heat rising to your face.

The Prime’s cursingly hot smile only widened, and that only made you hornier.

His torturously tall frame took one, two, three steps closer to you, close enough so that his face was inches from yours. 

“Of course not. Why would I go through the trouble of calling you up here?” he chuckled again, closing his optics for a second.

“Listen… I’m giving you two options,” Sentinel’s smile suddenly fell, and his optics narrowed to glare down at you.

“Since you like it straight forward, I’ll keep it short,” his tone was low. Honestly, it scared you. Whatever he was about to say, it wasn’t about to be good.

“Either I get to bend you over that desk right there-” he gestured to what you could only assume was his work desk, as papers and data pads were strewn everywhere on its surface, “-and frag you until you start to see stars…” he spoke carefully, tentatively, as if he was spelling something out for you.

“Or, you become my sparkmate, and I get to screw you anyway,” he finished sourly, searching your expression.

Well, wasn’t this a turn of events. Clearly, he wasn’t giving you much of a choice right now. No matter what you did, he would get what he wanted. You couldn’t run, there were way too many guards who would offline you without a second thought. And you didn’t even want to think about fighting. 

Now, if you really thought about it, he wasn’t giving you bad options. You thought about the first one. You wouldn’t mind getting fragged senseless by him, in all truths. The question, though, was what he would do with you after he was finished with you. 

You didn’t want to know.

Being his sparkmate would be quite the honor. For slag’s sake, he was a Prime, and you just a miner bot. He must really like you… 

“I’ll be your sparkmate,” you told him slowly, carefully, your tone low, matching his. 

Sentinel’s lips curled up into another one of his cunning, unnecessarily attractive smiles. 

“Good girl.”

SOOOOO... I realized this was getting a little long for a one shot.

Anybody up for a part two where they get freaky?

Have an amazing day/night!

[newkatzkafe2023]

Hi! I'm unsure if you do ask for the incorrect verse for the Wukong or not, and if not just disregard this! But I was wondering if you'd do something along the lines of s/o learning Chinese, and they go to say something to them and somehow mess it up xD I apologize if you're not taking quests though, I'm blind for not seeing it 😅

WHAT?!?! I've been telling people that my inbox has been open for months. Thank god you were actually listening I will be more than happy to answer your request Please keep them coming😳😳😳😳🥳🥳🥳🥳

Ok so (Y/N) has been teaching herself Chinese for months from online Classes to books she got from the library. You wanted to surprise your husbands by saying I love you in Chinese I'm sure you can imagine how that worked out😏 but unfortunately when the day came you chocked infront of him and now the surprise is ruined.

(Lmk Wukong): He was shocked to find you were learning Chinese behind his back, and you were trying to say something Meaningful. He's Shookth, but he will start laughing a bit when you messed up on the pronunciation. Don't pay any mind to that part He's more in love with you then ever.

(Nezha Reborn Wukong) Ok he Cringes a bit when you mess up but he's smart enough to know what your Trying to say and therefore he responds back to you in Chinese as well so don't feel to bad He'll teach and help you practice, He also loves you more than ever.

(Mk Reborn Wukong) He's like what the hell is the point of this when you try to say you love him in his language. when he finds that you think you would connect with him better if You literally spoke his language then I guess he'll appreciate it,But just because you Messed up doesn't mean he hates it he'll just lowkey help you practice but Don't tell anyone Also be ready to argue with him in Chinese too🤦‍♀️.

(Hero is back wukong) He Calmly correct you on the pronunciation of what you're saying. Then he tells you that he loves you back. He finds it intriguing that you seem to want to learn And communicate with him and that might make him feel special. So congrats he loves the surprise🥰🥰🥰.

(Netflix Wukong) he's totally gonna laugh. Just imagine somebody trying to talk to you in your butchered native Language it's gonna be a bit funny but also mildly offensive but he's not gonna think so. It's sweet how you want to talk to him In his language and there's just something special about that. So he loves how you want to communicate with him in his language And it might be useful if he wants to gossip about the people around him with you.

So rather they wanna admitted or not they love the idea and also love you🥰🥰🥰

Feel Free to Reblog 😇👍

[silvertws]

You know what? At this point I have more written posts than fanarts... I mean, I could post old ones, but idk if it would make sense you know? Anyway.

You may wonder, is this gonna be another Steve Saga or something post?

Oh no, I may be hyperfixated, but I still do love other fandoms, even if they are dead.

Speaking on dead fandoms.

Hi Origins Crew fandom :}

How are y'all doing? How's the feeling of never knowing what was supposed to happen to your favorite character in OoO, SNO,SAO...? Oh and the unfinished storylines in MHO? FTO? do we wanna talk about the cliffhanger in OZ? I mean, luckily some people posted videos about how the storyline was going to go, so at least we got that.

(to clarify, I'm not mad at anyone who was part of the Origins Crew DW, I could never)

Anyway.

Some backstory on how I started watching Origins.

It was summer of 2019 I think? Pretty sure at least, I know it was before I started highschool because I sucked at English before I started watching Origins.

Anyway.

First series was OoO S1 from Brandon's POV, at least that's the first video that got recommended to me, I'm unsure what episode it was, I can't remember if it was before or after the Aphrodite's ball (we don't talk about those, you guys know why. You know.) So I'm not sure if I even watched it all, but I think at the time I did go back to watch it from the first episode.

Anyway POVS right? With OoO S1 I watched Brandon (*cough cough* Brandeen), Jakey, Brian, Colin and some of Xylo.

And can I just say... IT'S BEEN 3 SEASONS, 3 SEASONS IT TOOK TO GET RID OF A FUCKING SWORD, A SWORD, COME ON. AND WHY THE FUCK, CAN SOME PEOPLE COME BACK TO LIFE, AND OTHERS CAN'T, WHAT PLOT ARMOR IS THIS- Istg that was probably the most annoying thing of them all, nothing against the creators, again I feel like I need to clarify! But it's just my personal dumb opinion that I hope nobody takes offense to???

Anyway.

I feel like I should make a post for every Origins Series I've watched, but idk if that would make sense lol TwT

Besides my personal preferences when it came to all the series, I am very grateful to the Origins Crew, they're the reason I'm here today, the reason I know English and they were the first group that really opened my eyes when it came to the LGBTQ+ community and helped me discover myself.

I know that from an outside point of view it might seem dumb, but I do owe a lot to them, all of them, even the ones who left a year before Origins dismantled, even the ones who joined just before people went their separate ways.

Because even if people might say that the storylines were dumb or maybe cliche (which, in some cases they definitely were) in the end, I still loved every moment of it, every episode every dumb character who didn't make any sense or that was weirdly overpowered (I REALLY want to specify which ones but I don't want the whole fandom to come at me, please, any fandom but this one) but to be fair they kinda all were in some way? Or at least had the potential to in my opinion.

I'm not good at keeping a conversation stick to one topic, I tend to sideline pretty often and I apologize for that. TwT

Also idk if it's just me, but when I find a group of people there's always that one that for some unknown reason I just like more and that one who I dislike, again, for no specific reason, just the vibes???

Like for Hermitcraft and Empires it's Pearl, for Fable it's Ulysses, (I love this fish boy with all my heart if anything happens to him I will cry) for Origins it was Colin and Brandon, don't ask why, I have no idea, I just did, still do consider them my favorites.

I kept watching content from the Origins creators after everything went down. Including the drama with some of the creators I suppose... (I still don't understand most of it)

From Devi Devi Academy/anarchy to Glitch generation, to My Hero Eternity, I watched some of the Fnaf content Bryan made just for the nostalgia.

Holy fuck how I miss these fuckers.

Like it was the whole dynamic they had in the group, the mini games videos in character were so entertaining to watch! Especially the crossovers, I tend to rewatch them from time to time even tho I know basically everything by memory at this point.

Honestly they really inspired me when it came to creating my own storylines, and roleplaying, some people may call it cringe, and I get it, but I still think it's fun.

It's been a year.

Well, more technically, but I didn't have Tumblr at the time of the anniversary I suppose? Can you even call it that?

The Origins fandom never felt too big, in my life I've only talked to one other person who knew about them, and it was pretty fun, we watched the uh.. second episode of my Hero Eternity together making theories and stuff, talking about my hero Origins and wondering which characters canonically knew that you know, mr "I killed both my bio parents" was actually alive. (Which from what we know, Flex knows, and I think Colin, not sure tho, because in the 3rd episode, when they were interrogating the hero, our edgy boy mentioned how he had an old "friend" who could get information and data really easily, and now, we all know Mario definitely wouldn't do that plus, did he even interact with the L.O.V.E. as a whole? I don't think so? So the only option that makes sense to me is Colin)

Anyway I drifted away from the concept once again because once I start talking I won't ever stop.

This is a long post, as usual, cause I write a lot when it comes to things I'm passionate about.

I'm very attached to Origins, all the characters, all the storylines, all the silly little things. And I'm never going to stop missing it I suppose? Not in a "omg how dare they break the group apart blabla blabla..." No, I'm just very nostalgic when it comes to it.

I owe everything to them, part of who I am today is because of them.

PS: if anybody wants to talk about this fandom I suppose, please do, please let's start a conversation. I have so many things to say.

Like you know in SNO when people didn't know Lucas and Brandon were SIBLINGS???? and they SHIPPED THEM??? yeah, hi it's me, I'm the problem it's me, HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU JUST DROP A BOMB LIKE THAT ON THE LAST EPISODE MAN, AND HOW DID I NOT EXPECT IT????? luckily for me, mine was very much platonic shipping, so uhhh yay??? Don't come for me guys, it was years ago, please ToT Also I did kinda Ship Lucas with uhh was it also called Jakey???? I don't remember anymore my friend will probably remember this because when the series was happening I'd just go on and ramble about the fact that I didn't know who I should have shipped with the angel boy.

Man shipping anyone in any of those series was HELL, LET ME TELL YOU, HELL. ABSOLUTE HELL, HOLY FUCK THIS IS WHY I DON'T SHIP CHARACTERS AT ALL.

Ok actual PS now:

Please, let's all sit and chat in front of a glass of tumbjuice/tomb juice??? (idk how to spell that, don't come for me) and not get cursed by anything while we do so.

Let's just vibeeeeeee :D

[bu-blegh-ost]

A Niklaus Hendrix theory (spoilers for the entire series up to 110)

So, I've been meaning to share my thoughts on Niklaus Hendrix for a while now, and seems that there won't be a better time than now, but you gotta bear with me cause there's a lot I wanna say, and hopefully it'll be interesting enough to read.

So, there was a theory going around a while back that Niklaus might be a warlock, whose patron is a Fathomless. I'm new to DnD myself, so for anyone in the same situation as me, let me share what I learned. Fathomless is a sort of almost god-like entity that lives in the ocean depths, and a warlock can make a pact with it to borrow its power. What made people think that this is something Grizzly might have been influenced by, were very familiar black tentacles that seem to be associated with the creature. Of course, Grizzly's campaign is very much homebrew, so if it is connected, it was merely an inspiration, cause, though the Nameless Prince might be a creature similar in power to the Fathomless, it is a seperate entity with its own goals and abilities. But the gist of the theory, is that Niklaus is a warlock and The Nameless Prince, his patron. I'll do you one better tho. What if I told you, that The Nameless Prince WAS a patron, but not of Niklaus, but Captain Hendrix. And you may ask next: Wait, are they not the same person? Well, yes. But no. Lemme explain.

Let's go back about ten years, before the Hole in the Sea. Let's assume that by that time, Captain Hendrix is a simple warlock. Very powerful, but nothing as otherworldly as he seems to be now. He is described by Drey as a man who can never be content, he seeks more power, more control. He has a powerful patron, one of the most archaic and dangerous beings that exist, and as we learned in ep. 110, the entity that took the power of the entire world to seal away. And somehow, the same creature reached out to him. That's why Drey mentioned, that Finn would often warn Captain Rose, that Hendrix seems to be hiding something about the true power of his arcane. But, as said, Hendrix was never happy with what he already had, and one day he came to an agreement. He was promised something, he wanted most, no idea what it could have been, maybe to rule the world or something like that. In turn he was to help free The Nameless Prince from the shackles he was chained by, below the ocean. I believe that years ago, the Nameless Prince, in his fascination with the mortals, in his desire to corrupt, to know, and eventually to destroy, made his way to Mana. Here is where he was stopped permanently, somehow imprisoned with no way to leave. He wants his freedom back and he wants Hendrix to help.

Captain Rose is about to retire, but when talking with his crew, he mentions that he's unsure. That there's something that always makes him want...more. A desire. Hendrix can use that. Whatever Rose did on this last journey of theirs, it opened the hole in the sea. From then, Rose got corrupted by the Nameless Prince which led to his death, and when Drey touched the egg...something was released...but not fully. Drey was not the key, not the right person, not the Chosen One, so The Nameless Prince's release was incomplete, corrupting only a single ocean, but also releasing wild magic across the rest of the world. With what little freedom it had, the Nameless Prince did not have a way to influence the world. No body, no face, no voice. But it did have Captain Hendrix. In ep. 100 we can see that Hendrix looked much more human than he does now. His eyes turned fully black, the very shape of his face changed a little. I think what The Nameless Prince proposed to him, was a fusion. A merge of their consciousness, personalities and goals. The Nameless Prince received Hendrix's memories, his talents and knowledge, his emotions, his body and his face. A name. Niklaus Hendrix. His host in return received power beyond any mortal's imagination. The power to grant wishes and corrupt people from within. But I have no doubt, that most of what Captain Hendrix used to be, belongs to the Nameless Prince now. And he finally has a way to influence the world in order to work towards freeing himself.

There are so many things that make me think that. His deal with Chip, his desire for him not to touch the egg. In his own words "Not him, anyway." Gillion. The fact that the new prophecy makes it feel like his release is inevitable. Naturally. After all, The Nameless Prince granted himself a favor from the Chosen One as early as the 8th episode. His fascination with people, so similar to what we heard about in the book Goobleck found. His nearly absolute power, so strong in fact that he can alter the reality itself. And yet, seemingly a person with a past, experiences and even friends. That's because he's not one being. He's two. And it was very clever of Grizzly to lead us astray like that.

When Chip asks him what he desires most, he says freedom. Naturally. Cause of all the things in the world, this one thing, freedom, is what both of them, the entity and the Captain, whose body was stolen, do not truly have. And they are ready to do anything to get what they want. They are pirates, after all.

I could be going on forever, with quotes and excerpts and even more details to my thought process, but I'm afraid to bore you, so I'll leave it at that for now. But hey, do let me know if you find that little theory of mine interesting, and if you'd like to hear more of my thoughts. For now, take care <3

[webbedphantom]

... I think I'm depressed again-

And because of that, I kinda want to ramble/vent about things. But since I don't wanna be a nuisance, I'm gonna just leave it under here for anyone who wants to read it.

Maybe it's just because of how hectic things have been lately, and how I missed my therapy appointment this week, but I'm just... constantly tired, even now that I'm starting to feel better from whatever I had a few days ago. And today I've just had that constant feeling of just... not knowing what to do, so I don't do anything. And when I do find something to do, I lose interest moments later.

Like I've tried to write replies, but then I'll hit a snag, or be unsure which reply to write, or think it's pointless because if they reply back, I won't be able to keep it going because I can't trim things without my computer... which I can't set up because my desk is still in storage, with no way to get it here without a truck, and nothing I can use as a temporary desk in the meantime.

And this goes on and on with a bunch of stuff, games I want to play, stuff I borrowed from the library, there's always something that gets in the way that keeps me from really sitting down and enjoying myself.

I hate feeling like this, and I hate even more that I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, because when I'm depressed, I isolate myself, which makes it harder to reach out because I don't want to bother anyone. And I sure as hell can't go to any of my "family" about it, as lately I've been feeling like the term has no meaning, as most of mine just use that shared blood as an excuse to get things from you.

Which is kinda why I'm even making this. I don't typically do this, I don't like putting my personal problems out in public like this. But I don't really know how else to deal with these feelings, because I really don't wanna bother anyone, even though I know all of the people I'd usually tell this stuff to would be okay with it.

I'm not really sure what to do... My next therapy appointment is on Wednesday, but I go back to work on Tuesday, which kinda makes me anxious, especially since the person who hired me got transferred, so I have no idea what to expect anymore.

And on top of that, I just don't know what to do with myself in the meantime. I don't really have the energy to use any of my normal coping skills, and the few that I do haven't been working, so I'm just... lost.

Best I can think to do is reach out to my case manager and see if he can help me work through this, but... I'm not particularly hopeful about that. Still, it's all I got, and I did need to meet with him anyway, so I just gotta hope things work out.

I'll get through this. I always do. Doesn't mean it'll be easy, but... life is never really easy, is it?

[ednito]

Another kinda important post! (Sorry lmao)

So I first wanna say, I'm so sorry I have haven't posted any art in awhile. Its a bit of a mixture of being busy with life stuff and then having troubles with my computer.

See my computer is SUPER old, I got it when I was in middle school (im 20 now) and it's lost a lot of its capabilities and has often times been turning itself off or even blue screening. I've been losing a lot of artwork cause of it and there's only an amount of times I'm gonna be redrawing the same drawing you know? It's also showing occasionally it won't save my completed drawings, clip of course will save what I had last left off on and luckily clip usually saves it finished or before the slight editing I make at the end but it's still concerning as is.

Now the things that is the main topic of this is obviously, I need a new computer- that wasn't even half the problems I face with daily on the old guy! And while I do have a job it's hard to really earn the amount I need for a new computer and admittedly! I have a horrible spending problem! Of course from here on out I'm gonna be putting some money in savings to save up for the computer but that's not really what I'm trying to get at.

What I'm asking is would it be a good idea to open commissions? Admittedly I've had bad experiences with doing commissions and honestly I've usually tried to stay clear of them though whenever I did open them up no one was usually interested which is understandable. I'm unsure how I'm gonna really do it, honestly I don't think my art Is good enough for commissions so what I was thinking of just doing 10 dollar commissions that are colored and shaded (similar to how I draw SSH just a bit nicer) but idk. I don't know if anyone would even want that? Would you guys be interested? I'm genuinely unsure how to go around this.

[angelart67]

HEYA ALL YOU WONDERFIL TUMBLR PPL, I'M POSTING MY REPLY TO MY RECENT EMAIL, TO GIVE YOU ALL A HEARTY LAUGH, SO GET OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR, HERE WE GO...

(YES I really did send this to them, & NOT by email either, I sent it direct thru thier website chat feature, so I knew someone would have to go over it, in order to contact me back)

OK, so I have an opinion about your recent (strange at best) email invite I discovered in my inbox today. 

Let's go over it...

First, the basic idea is to find out what Amazon customers think about Amazon Delivery, & my first thought, I must admit, was... IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Then I kept reading, & laughing & even crying at one point...

YOU SAY... Survey is hosted by external entity, called Alida, ummmm WHY? Is Amazon afraid to ask me themselves? I've been begging Amazon to pay attention to DELIVERY ISSUES for at least a decade now, only to be hung up on, ignored or patronized.

YOU THEN SAY...

Don't include ANY personal or confidential info in my answers...

THAT IS QUITE CLEAR AMAZON !!!

EXCEPT YOU FOLLOW UP BY...

Telling me if I have ANY CONCERN about the authenticity of the email, that I should... TAP A LINK??? AS IF, REALLY?

Anyone who has used a computer or phone at any level has probably been told NEVER CLICK A LINK, ESPECIALLY IF UNSURE OF ITS ORIGEN.

But you want me to tap on in if I'm feeling weird... HINT HINT: WHY not say if you are not sure, come ask us directly thru our website, while signed into my account? That sounds safer to me...

AMAZON, this is EXACTLY what is wrong with Amazon Delivery, Amazon Customer Service, Amazon as a whole...

YOU DO NOT LISTEN WHEN GOOD CUSTOMERS TRY TO TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG, BUT YOU THEN TELL CUSTOMERS TO GO AGAINST ALL BASIC COMPUTER SAFETY PROCEDURES...

Here are my survey answers, I'm just doing it my way READ IT AMAZON...

Amazon Delivery IS ONE GIANT ISSUE, because you allow the drivers to go by whatever rules they want to. INSTEAD OF PROTECTING THE INTEREST OF YOUR CUSTOMERS, WHO ARE GIVING YOU MONEY, You'd rather kowtow to the drivers you already overpay, to do a job, that only about 10% (& that's a kind guesstimate) actually know how to do, & then proceed to do properly... 

Amazon profile asked specifically for me to include specific notes regarding my deliveries in several fields, I WAS QUITE CLEAR WHEN FILLING THAT IN, but drivers DO NOT even read that section... they go ONLY by, "Where should we leave your package?" 

That's just one more blatant example of how BACKASSWARDS Amazon is, so it WASN'T just the email, BUT, the email did include icing on the cake, in the point that besides telling me to tap into an unknown link, within an email I may question, if a person taps your yellow SIGN UP BUTTON... IMMEDIATELY after being told to NEVER include personal info (SEE RED UNDERLINED SECTION)

Tap button and... the FIRST THING I SEE IS A FORM ASKING FOR THE EXACT INFO YOU JUST TOLD ME NOT TO INCLUDE... Oh, by the way, it don't say a single thing about Alida Survey, it says Amazon Delivery Service, shouldn't your IT PPL know that?

Try to pull your heads out, before you lose all your good customers, we are NOT hostages, there are OTHER WAYS to shop, my Amazon has dropped to a bare minimum of the business I used to give you, because I finally got SICK TO DEATH of paying good money for items I purchase, so your arrangatan drivers can drop kick, throw, or hurl it at my door, against the wall, or on several occasions, completely abandon it outside, cause they are too damn lazy to come to my apt door, inside building as politely requested IN MY PROFILE... and those who do come inside, toss it, take a pic, & flee the scene, like they murdered someone, without a single thought to stick out their arm & knock...

I'm ALWAYS HOME for deliveries, yet YOU & YOUR PEOPLE DO NOT CARE if I receive what I pay you to bring out, or if it's in one piece in the box, once they finish battering it... SO NOW, YOU STILL WANNA KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT AMAZON DELIVERY... MY RESPONSES HERE ARE BETTER THAN A MYSTERIOUS SURVEY...

[self-proclaimed-best-blog]

I think I'm gay.

Admission post for future me. I'm glad nobody follows this page.

But I think I'm seriously considering it.

I think girls are pretty. But I can never bring myself to be attracted to women. I was all like "HYUK HYUK IM A BOOBS GUY!!!" but I'm unsure if that was ever true. Maybe it is true? Is it? Do I really like ladies? Maybe it was the idea of liking ladies that made me think this.

I've never flirted or dated anyone before. I don't know what it's like to be with anyone in particular.

But I believe I was caught up in being like the rest of the crowd. Or trying to. I was never girl crazy. I always just thought attraction was very little and not deep. Because I tried hard to stray away from the idea of liking other men, I never considered being in love or crushing on anyone was more than a "They're pretty and kinda nice I dig their vibe so I'll romance them". That got me thinking about what it was like to date a girl. I thought it was just like super close friends but you buy roses, kiss sometimes and maybe wear a suit while your lady wears white and you kiss under some church alter.

But apparently, that's not all there is to it. Shocker!

I found myself deep diving into 80s cheesy romance movies which led to romance cartoons, and romance comics to romance anime and manga recently. I never really liked that crap (at least the romance part of it ) much in all honesty. In retrospect it was probably me not being able to like relate to the characters. (The characters typically being a woman and a man)

But recently I found some stupid nerd anime-movie about two dudes. And I felt something. I thought something that wasn't "oh good for them" "Wow they seem happy" "They work well together" "They deserve a happy ending" in a very non-chalant and statement of fact sorta way. No, it was much more of a feeling rather than a thought. Something that made the gears in my head turn. It made me wanna giggle and kick my feet. It made me invested and feel connected to these characters. I think it made me wish it was me. (I know, a whole ass male admitting to being giddy like a little girl, that's crazy)

I was like "Huh. That's weird." and I haven't stopped thinking about it.

So I kept thinking and thinking. I looked more into queer media. I looked into bibliographies of gay people and their early life experiences.

I'm really uncomfortable about how familiar these things sounded to my own desires and life.

Over the course of the month I absorbed more media that has to do with gay dudes. Just sweet stuff about falling in love and slice of life. I found some ones I like a lot. like genuinely love these. They felt comforting and relatable. They felt genuine and hit right at home for me... A lot of these things even had making out and holding on tight to each other during emotional moments. When I watched shows, movies or read books that have a straight couple just kissing or connecting like that, I felt... uncomfortable. I assumed it was just me being immature and not getting over that "KISSING IS GROSS!!!" phase that little kids have around the ages of 6-12. But I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. I felt warm inside. It made me yearn for something I never even before considered. It made me want affection. It made me wanna be held. But not just by anyone. By another man. It felt like my heartstrings were being tugged at and violently pulled instead of barely strummed. It's a feeling I can't shake.

It's not even inherently sexual either. I just wanna be loved I think. But being loved by a woman doesn't seem as good as being loved by another guy.

I don't wanna express this. I wanna continue on like i was a couple months ago. Very infatuated with the idea of liking girls even if I didn't have any genuine interest in getting with one. At least I was oblivious and happy. Most of my friends are part of the LGBTQ+ so I don't know why I feel so... bad. Why I feel so bad about feeling this way when I know 90% of my homies would support me and help me feel comfortable in any way they could. It's not the coming out to them part that scares me. It's accepting myself that does. I don't think I wanna be this way but I think it's undeniable now. And yet I still try to shove denial and excuses down my own throat. I can't push it back or suppress it now that it's all up in my face now.

THIS IS SO CONFUSING. 💀

I just feel guilty.

Sick to my stomach guilty. I threw up about this the other day actually. I don't understand.

I got a haircut by the way.

[piggyinthemiddle]

How Porky got so fat...🐷

In this blog, I wanted to talk a little more about my progress with my weight. I've seen many insecure people lately, unsure gainers and feedees who doubt themselves and aren't sure whether fattening up is the right way for them to go.

Of course, I can not make that decision for you, but at least, I can share my "road to pork" with you. Maybe that helps, in any way whatsoever.

Before I start : If you have a negative opinion about this, just keep it to yourself. I don't really give a crap about what you think, and it just ruins the vibe for those who wanna read this. Thanks, big fat preech. ;)

🐽 How it all started 🐽

I knew that this fetish was part of me for many, many years. I've always been rather chubby and it never actually bothered me. I often fantasised about getting bigger, and being fed, also into extreme sizes and under extreme circumstances, but that was it : Fantasies. Never would I ever have thought I'd start doing it, in real life, to my actual body. Not because I didn't want to, but because I felt like I have to fit into society norms, and I shouldn't enjoy this because it's bad, blah blah blah. You know the deal.

All of that turned around in very early 2019, maybe even late 2018, when I started gaining some weight randomly because I didn't do as much sport and activity as before, for work reasons and shift schedules. I softened up a little and as soon as I realised, it turned me on like crazy. The fantasies got more intense and at some point, after several months, I decided I wanted to try it out "just once". So, I covered myself in unhealthy foods and stuffed my face for a day, and I felt so alive and great that it got me addicted. Porky's first "official stuffing", if you will.

However, "Just once" quickly turned into "several times a month", and I gained more and more weight, ending up with a small but chubby belly by the end of 2019.

🐽 The Pandemic 🐽

Boy oh boy.. Then came Covid. I grew more and more bored, being locked at home, and overeating became a very normal, almost every day habit. Mainly for the sexual pleasure it gave me, but also just for seeing my body grow bigger and wider by the week. I took it rather easy for the first few months of 2020, but then, around June, I started to consider turning myself into a piggy for my own enjoyment. I honestly didn't care much about other peoples opinions on my body at that point. I just wanted to grow into exactly what I wanted to be.

Considering became choice in late August, and with the first day of October 1st, 2020, I began to fatten myself up with a plan and a schedule.

It worked incredibly well, I gained very fast and my body started to become rounded and big within a few months. 2020 turned into 2021, and by summer '21, I had gained over 35 kilos of pure fat. But it wasn't enough. I needed a lot more. So, I adjusted my calories and my schedules and overdid it even more. My kilos piled up on me and I slowly became huge. On Christmas eve 2021, at the family gathering, I was stuffed like an actual pig and my gut was so full and tight that I needed a 2h nap from all the pressure in my stomach. To this day, I've no idea if anyone noticed just how extremely fattened up I was that night, but if they did, they never mentioned anything..

🐽 2022.. and NOW 🐽

I haven't stopped fattening myself since mid 2020. I gained over 60 kilos at this point, my BMI is at 47 and I'm rated "extremely morbidly obese" already. It shows, especially on my gut. If you've seen me on Grommr, you've probably seen the huge lard-filled belly I carry around. I'll add a picture here, too.

I'm not even joking or overdramamtising it to be kinky, I really am extremely fattened and ripened at this point and my belly looks like I'm about to burst when it's fully stuffed and pushing outwards. I'm covered in very light stretch marks, my belly is shaped like a giant lard ball and sometimes it hangs down so heavily after my sessions that I need to rest it on my kitchen or bathroom counters to be able to stand up straight.

Recently, I started showing myself off on the internet, like a big prize hog, and I've got very similar feedback there too. Many people seem to be fascinated with my shape and my fat pig gut, they want to see me in all sorts of different angles, and I'm happily providing. I love the attention, I love being treated like this, and I love being 'reduced' to what I am now.

People want to fatten me more, and I'm accepting it. I'm getting bigger and fatter for likes now, and I'd have never ever thought this would ever be possible. I stuff myself tight and round, post the outcome and get even more validation. This has been my absolute dream so far.

I'm no longer a chubby little piggy. By now, I'm a huge, fat, ripe porker. And I love every second of it. 🐖🥓

Here's one of my most recent pictures, taken immediately after finishing my fattening session for the day.

I stuffed myself so tight here that you can't even see my fatrolls anymore. They clearly show and hang down when I'm empty-bellied in the mornings.

Enjoy. 🐷✌🏻

[differentkettleoffishalltogether]

I’m On Fire [Chapter 2]

With her sister’s wedding fast approaching and her Mom hounding her about finding a date, Y/N makes a terrible decision that lands her and her least favorite genius in a confusing situation.

Chapter Summary: Y/N and Spencer start to put a plan together.

A/N:  I’ve got a head cold at the mo’ but I had to get a covid test just in case so I’m not allowed leave my room till I get the results! So enjoy a bonus chapter while I wallow on my own for like 36 hours :( On a positive note, thank you guys all so much for the response to chapter 1 I really didn’t see that coming! I’ve tagged everyone who asked, let me know if you wanna be added

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem Reader

Category: Fake Dating, Enemies to Lovers, (Eventual) Smut, Fluff, Angst, it’s a Slow Burn Baby

Warnings: Cursing, some NSFW language/themes

Word Count: 6.1k

Previous Chapter -- Next Chapter

Series Masterlist

Masterlist 

"Are you coming up or what?"

The question was still ringing in my ears. It caught me completely off guard. 'Up' as in up to Spencer's apartment? Where he lived? I knew he lived somewhere in theory, just like I knew deep down that he wasn't made in a test tube. 

Without noticing I've undone my seatbelt and I'm hopping out of the car, following him around to the front door. I guess I am coming up.

Spencer's apartment is more cosy than I thought it was going to be. It's warm and lived in. It's not big, but I think that might be what makes it homely. Something about the way he behaves had me thinking it would be fully decked out in stainless steel or glass or something. But it wasn't pristine, it was messy. 

There were books bursting from the shelves that lined the walls of the apartment, along with books laid open over nearly every surface in the place, it looked like he was in the middle of reading all of them, and honestly, I didn't doubt it. Maybe I'd misjudged him. He even had some photos of what looked like his family, and maybe friends, even some of the BAU, lining his walls or propped up on his mantle. He had little trinkets and souvenirs on his shelves too, evidence that he'd been around the country for reasons other than a case. I would never admit it to him but there was a real charm to the place.

Once we got inside he took off his bag and suit jacket, tossing them on the desk just inside of the door. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, and he seemed to pick up on my awkward energy.

"You can make yourself at home" he said, his confident streak remaining. I had no idea what to do with that. What would even make me comfortable in Spencer Reid's apartment? I took a seat on his sofa and just sat with my hands resting in my lap. Really not even sure where I should look without feeling like I was invading his privacy. Even though I wanted to. I think it was morbid curiosity, looking for clues on who this man might actually be outside of the BAU. What I really wanted to do was stand up and walk around, soaking in every bit if this place as if it would help me decipher our messy relationship.

He returned to the living room a few moments later, two mismatched mugs in his hands. He places one in front of me on the coffee table. I pick it up and take a sip. It's lemon and ginger, how did he know what kind of tea I liked? I held the mug in my hands inhaling the steam in an effort to relax. When I look up he's watching me, arms folded across his chest.

"So, how does this thing work. What's the game plan?" I honestly have no real idea. This evening really got away from me, I was still expecting to snap out of it and wake up in my bed at any moment.

"Well I can't say I've ever been in a Sandra Bullock movie before either so this is uncharted territory for me too" I say with a chuckle, trying to ease the tension. Even a little. I can see him crack a small smile but hides it almost instantly, his face hardening again.

"My sister, Margot, she's getting married in like 4 months." I can feel myself tense and I shake out my shoulders, I have to remind myself that he's agreed to this already, "Fuck it, I'm just going to be honest with you. My Mom's mostly freaked out that I'm too attached to this job and that I'll just never find someone again." I shouldn't have said again, fuck. I hope he didn't pick up on that. Who am I kidding. "Even though, I'm not sure I care if I do or don't?" he doesn't say anything, like he's waiting for me to continue. I know I've shared a little too much already but I keep going.

"Margot's 2 years younger than me, I introduced her to her fiancé Philip, we met in college, he's a sweetheart. But since they've gotten engaged Mom's gotten exponentially weirder. I think she's convinced I'm fully going to die alone, as if that would be the worst thing that could ever happen? Anyway, she's been trying to auction me off to all these guys, using this wedding as an excuse. I'm not sure how much of that phone call you actually heard earlier but Mom was trying to sell me on this guy, David, and I just… snapped." I look up at Spencer and he unfolds his arms, leaning in ever so slightly coaxing the story out of me.

"David, he uh, he worked for my father for a while back in high school, filing documents and stuff, busy work mostly. He used to make out with me when he was at our house after school, but then he'd ignore me in the halls the next morning. I know it's because I was a pariah back then or something but I didn't want to think about it today and I just got worked up. I shouldn't have let on that you were my date, I was just going to ask if I could bring Garcia or something, and I'm sorry." I cover my face in my hands, "I'm insane, you can back out if you want to."

I can hear him move from his spot on the opposite side of the sofa, he takes my wrists and gently pulls my hands from my face. He looks into my eyes, "I'm in this now Y/N, what do you need me to do?" he asks, and there's a genuine earnest in his voice that I think I've only ever heard a handful of times. And it's never been directed at me.

"Okay, well we've got a few months before you ha–, wait, fuck!" I throw my head back, there's already a complication, "shit" I curse under my breath. His eyebrows knit together, sitting upright.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I forgot about my Mom's 50th, it's next month. They've got this whole huge party planned back home in upstate New York. I've gotta go and they'll probably want to meet you, or they're gonna have a load of questions for me at least. I can try and get you out of it I'm sure"

He gets that cocky look again, he shakes his head "I don't know, I've always liked a bit of competition" he reclines back into his corner of the sofa, taking a satisfied sip from his own mug before speaking again. "You know, if I've got to learn enough to pass as your boyfriend in a month, surely that means you've got to learn enough to pass as my girlfriend within the month, no?"

Oh god. What have I done, why didn't I think this far ahead. "I mean, yeah I guess you're right." I had to remember he was doing me a favor. I had to get over myself. "Okay, if you're sure you're up for that?" I ask, and he nods, and I think he looks excited, or maybe he just finds the whole situation funny.

"If anyone's up for the competition it's you" he says, and I'm not sure if that's a compliment or a dig but I nod in agreement.

He takes another sip of his tea, collected and relaxed. I can't help but notice how at ease he is when he's in his own surroundings. I'm so used to seeing him sitting at a desk surrounded by paperwork, or combing through file after file in the make-shift office in a small-town police station, usually flustered or anxious, or antagonizing me whenever he wasn’t. This was a different Spencer. Completely in control, at ease.

"Alright, shall we get started then, we can't really afford to waste any time can we?" he was actually sort of right, so I nodded. It was only now occurring to me that I'd have to share parts of my personal life with him if I wanted this plan to work. We already knew the basics about each other, I'd read his file when I started at the BAU, I'd read everyones. And I feel like it was safe to presume he'd done the same.

His eyes bore directly into mine as he leaned forward, I think he was enjoying how uncomfortable I must've looked.

"How about I ask you some rapid-fire questions and you have to answer 'em?" he asks, and it's as good of a plan as any, and I can't think of any other suggestions, so I nod.

"Okay, shoot." I say, unsure and nervous, so I brace myself. I'm just grateful that he's making my life easier rather than harder for what feels like the first time since I met him.

I really should've known better.

He leans in, "So Y/N, first question, when did you lose your virginity?"

I almost choke on the mouthful of tea I just took, that can't be what he just asked, and he looks like he's savoring my shocked expression.

"I uh, I don't think you need to know that?" is all I can get out.

"Really? You think that's something your boyfriend wouldn't know about you?" he's right, but I didn't want to admit it outright.

"I feel like I sort of already hinted. It was that same guy David, I was 18, he was 19. We had sex on the couch while my parents went out one evening. I kept my bra on the whole time, he came, I didn't. It was all very standard stuff." I wasn't sure what compelled me to add that last part. I think I was giving in to the open honestly thing. "So what about you Doc?" I challenged.

He didn't seem embarrassed, or even shy. "I must've bloomed little later than you" he admits with a soft chuckle, "Vivian Stewart, I was 21, she was too. It was the last semester of my last PhD and I figured I must be missing out on something. And I sure was" he smirks to himself. "I came, she did too, 3 times. I did a lot of research ahead of time" he mirrored my story and I rolled my eyes. It was hard not to feel a little impressed but I tried with everything I had to stifle it so he couldn't tell. I wish it didn't make me feel something but it did. I gulp down the mouthful of tea that's been sitting in my throat.

I have to shake myself back to reality. I can't give him the satisfaction of throwing me. "My turn." I command, "When was your last relationship Dr. Reid?" I ask, "I mean like, serious one, not like hook-up" I clarify before he can ask. He thinks on it for a moment.

"I'm not sure what you classify as fully serious, but I guess it was this girl, Rebecca, we dated for a while when I first joined the BAU but it didn't work out. What about you?" he flips it back.

"So that was what, like 6-ish years ago?" I ask, he just nods.

"Mine was like 3 years ago now I think. I met this guy Nathan on my first week of college, we dated for like 4 years. He moved here for me when I got accepted by the BAU." I had to stop myself from delving into the detail. It was a long time ago now but it still hurt. "Long story short, the hours were demanding and they got in the way more than I would've liked. We ended up splitting a couple months after I got the job." I tried to play it off like it wasn't one of the more devastating things to happen in my life. But something told me he’d registered that, so he didn't push.

His energy picks up and he looks at me with a grin, but there's something a little sinister behind it. "I've got a more fun question for you." he leans in closer to me, "Y/N, when was the last time you got laid?" I just looked at him in shock. 

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, I can go first if you really need me to?" his voice didn't waver,

"Fuck you Reid, I know when it was!" I snapped back at him. I did have to think back a little farther than I'd like to pull up the memory.

"Met this guy in a bar when I was out with Pen one night, we went back to his place and hooked up." I say as deadpan as I can make it.

"Well that's not very exciting is it?" he jokes, "Did you at least cum that time?" I know he's just trying to rile me up, but I answer anyway.

"As a matter of fact I did" I earn back a little of my confidence.

"I'm so happy for you, but you did manage to avoid my initial question" fuck "when was this exciting night of yours Y/N?" he probes, like I really, really wished he wouldn't. I could lie, but I'm sure he'd be able to tell. I cringe before I can say it.

"About 8 months ago" I mutter, just low enough for him to hear.

"Sorry, did you just say 8 months ago?" He nearly shouts in disbelief, he seems to find it funny.

"Hey fuck you Spencer!" I go on the defensive, "When was the last time you even got laid?"

"Like two and half weeks ago" he says, confident, and still laughing, "Wait wait, when was the last time you got yourself off? I know you're not waiting 8 months!" he giggles and I think I could kill him. I know I kept giving him outs but was it too late for me to just get up and leave?

"I'm not doing this with you if you're just gonna make fun of me Reid, I get enough of that at work" I get out, my voice is serious but I'm trying to hide how awkward all of this is making me feel, and I don't know that I'm doing a very good job.

I can tell that's gotten to him, he relaxes and eases up on the giggling. "Look okay wait Y/N. I'll stop, I'm not actually trying to make fun of you. I was being serious, I think stuff like this is important if we're gonna have to be comfortable around each other enough to seem like a real couple. Plus, it'll just help break the ice?" he shrugs. "But you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

I soften, because I agree, even thought I hate that he's right. "Fine" I collect my thoughts, "2 nights ago I'm pretty sure." I regret it almost instantly, but breaking the ice is supposed to feel awkward.

"Same here actually," he chuckles, "what'd you do?" I'm so startled by the question I almost forget how to answer.

"I, uh, my, my vibrator? I just felt like uh, I watched some..." I still can't force out a whole sentence. It's not like I was always awkward about sex or anything, I could talk to Garcia, or honestly probably any of the other team members about it. But with Spencer it didn't feel as comfortable. He still sat calmly, smiling just a little.

"Same here, 2 nights back, but with my hands I guess. I wonder if we were doing it at the same time?" he mutters the last part gently and my head goes a bit fuzzy. My eyes drift away from his face and settle on his hands, the mug he's holding looks so tiny with his fingers wrapped around it, I wondered how they'd look wrapped around my-

"Okay I think that's enough for one night, don't you think?" I jump up off the sofa and turn, mostly so that he doesn't catch the blush thats creeping from my neck up to my cheeks. And because I don't know what I'll say, or regret saying, if this conversations continues on its current trajectory.

"Sure," he says, standing up next to me, and I want to move further away instantly, "you're probably right, and it's getting a little late now anyway" he glances at his watch. Ushering me back towards his front door and opening it up. Before I can walk out he lightly touches my shoulder to turn me back to face him, and I wonder if he can feel the heat radiating from every part of me.

"So are you free next Friday after work?" he asks, and I'm so flustered I almost forget why, I just nod. "Perfect, how about we come here again and we can dive into preparing? You could also make a start on getting these onto a hard drive?" he gestures to the antique looking hardbacks adorning the shelves.

'Sounds great!" I perk up, feigning enthusiasm, "See you then!"

"Well, see you Monday morning actually Y/N" he smirks as I walk out the door. Fuck, he was right.

I really hadn't thought this through.

——

The weekend was a bit of a blur. I decided to try and put some useful information into a document for Spencer. It felt strange to try and condense my life into as few pages as possible. I knew Reid had an eidetic memory, and nothing would necessarily overwhelm him. But I also knew that he was someone that the team relied on to fill in a lot of the gaps in the rest of the our knowledge. So I felt bad about dumping a load of information on him, especially considering it was a favor he was doing for me.

I'd complied the majority of my life into a 15 page document and printed it out. Hopefully that would address most of what my family could guerrilla attack him with. There was also something unsettling about the imbalance. I was going to give him so many of the intricate details of my life in a little file, whereas all I really knew about Spencer was what I'd taken it upon myself to learn about him throughout the past few years.

I'd read all of his work while I was in college, given how he was the gold standard of getting into the BAU at a young age, I wanted to know who this guy was. I think I'd pictured something different. And I couldn't deny there was something enticing about finally getting to know him after all of these years of working together. Maybe this could actually be fun, or interesting at least.

----

I arrived early on Monday morning. I thought I was first into the office as usual but Garcia was sitting in my desk chair waiting for me. The second she saw me walk in she tensed, she must've known we were the only people in this early.

"What happened! You've been avoiding me all weekend?" she asked, and she was right. I'd drafted enough texts to her, trying to explain what the plan was, mostly without wanting to admit that she was right. Maybe I was stubborn.

"Alright okay, I drove Reid home." I admitted, dropping my bag by my desk. She rolls her eyes at me, dramatic as always.

"Well I knew that already Y/N damn! What happened next?"

"Fine, we went into his apartment and talked for a while. Trying to sort out the details, get a handle on things I guess?" I said, unsure of how much I should actually give away about our conversation.

"What things!?" She shouts, standing up from my desk,

"I don't know Pen, like logistics and stuff, I still haven't decided how I feel about that little stunt you pulled on Friday night!" I let my frustration get the better of me, and maybe that's why I haven't talked to her. It could also be because I know she's able to read me like a book and I'm not even sure how I feel about this whole situation.

"I call bullshit." She counters, "I know you were relived as hell when I sorted that whole thing out. You would've had anxiety tummy all weekend if I hadn't called Spencer!" I just go silent, she was right. I'd gotten so caught up in the whole, 'how to have a fake boyfriend' that I'd almost forgotten about how stressed I was about Spencer hearing my call in the first place.

"Okay, shit" I sigh. "Maybe you were right Pen. We're actually meeting up again this Friday after work to make a plan for the next while, so I guess that's progress?" I shrug, trying to play it off like this whole situation doesn't make my stomach flip.

"Ohhhhh! So like a date?" She probes, her enthusiasm rising drastically.

"Oh my God Pen no! Like an appointment at best" I diffuse the situation

"Ugh that's no fun" she says, not even trying to disguise her disappointment.

As if on cue Dr. Reid walks through the double doors into the bullpen. Both Garcia and I wave, overall awkwardly, but making an attempt pretend like things were completely normal and like nothing had changed since the last time we were all in the office together.

Penelope heads to her office as the bullpen starts to fill up quickly. Less than an hour later though Garcia's back at my desk and there's a new case that needs the teams attention in Boston. I follow her into the conference room and wait for the rest of the team to join. Spencer follows a moment later with 2 cups of coffee in his hands. I can see my mug in his hand and my automatic response is that he's messing with me. But he places my mug in front of me in the circular table before taking the seat next to me, listening to Garcia's briefing. I don't know if he's ever sat next to me in this conference room, at least not by choice.

I barely had any time to finish my coffee before I have to say goodbye to Garcia and hop on the jet to Boston.

----

The case was grueling. More so than usual. It was wrapped up late on Thursday night and the team decided to fly back home first thing on Friday morning. I was exhausted. Even if there was enough time to get sleep each night it wasn't like I got any. Whenever a case got on top of me like this it made it hard to rest, or get it off my mind at all until it was wrapped up. So even though it was over, that didn't mean I wasn't exhausted.

Hotch gave the team the rest of the day off, given that we have until submit our paperwork by Monday. I wasn't sure if Spencer's invitation from the following week still stood. I didn't want to ask, partly because I was so tired, but also because I was scared. I wasn't about to show up at his house in an effort to have a heart to heart, or hand him a condensed version of my life story on a manilla envelope if he was as drained as I was.

Standing by my desk I packed up everything I'd need to get my paperwork done over the weekend, I was just about finished when Spencer snuck up behind me, perching himself on the edge of my desk. "So, you almost ready to go?" he asks, like it's the most obvious question in the world. I couldn't really hide my surprise.

"Oh yeah. That's fine, I mean, if you're still cool with that?" I ask, and I hate how flustered I sound, like he makes me nervous.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" He chuckles, standing up straight.

"Cool, gimme a sec and I'll be good to go."

I pack up the rest of my stuff quickly and we make our way out. There's something that feels a little eerie about the two of us being in an elevator together alone again. It was a different kind of awkward to how it felt a week before hand. It almost felt like a kind of tension rather than a hatred or a rivalry. Either way we rode down in silence.

Once we got to the basement Spencer walks out of the elevator and walks straight to my car without having to ask. I unlock it and he hops into the passenger seat. Like this is a natural interaction. Something we do all the time. And I don't hate it as much as I thought I would.

"So," he says, buckling up his seat belt and breaking the silence, "do you know how to get to my place from here or do you need directions again?"

"Well I've got to turn on the engine first" I tease, hoping he picks up on the reference to our last car ride, he chuckles like he does.

"Are you hungry?" he asks

"Starving."

The delivery guy get's to Spencer's apartment at almost the same time we do.

---

Once the food's been demolished the two of us finally sit on his sofa, the same sides as the week before. "So, shall we get back into this?" He asks, sitting forward slightly to pull a notebook out of his satchel on the floor. It's small and lavender, and it's got a pen clipped into the spine. He cracks it open and flips to a specific page.

"Sorry, what's that?" I ask, pointing to the book, he looks confused,

"They're my notes?" he says, like it should be obvious

"Your notes?" I ask,

"My notes on you." he smirks, again like I'm silly for even asking.

He had notes on me? He had a whole notebook on me? What was even in that thing?

"You've got notes on me?" I ask, my hands reaching out to grab it, but he retreats faster than I can catch him. "What have you got in there that's so serious?"

"Nothing." and his tone's a bit too stern and I don't really want to push it when he's being so uncharacteristically nice to me.

"I've actually got this ready for you" I pull the file out of my own bag and toss it to him. "I'm not sure exactly what you need to know but that should be the majority of it at least."

He opens it up and glances over the the pages. It takes him all of 2 minutes to get through the whole thing. It feels unsettling that he's taking in a boiled down version of my life while I'm just sitting on the opposite side of the sofa. Trying to avoid the attention I pipe up.

"Um, hey, maybe it would be a good time for you to show me where to make a start digitizing your books over here?" I stand up and make my way to the shelf. He jumps up off the sofa and walks toward me, visibly excited.

"That's actually a great idea, I thought that the theses from my degrees could be a good place to start, since I'm pretty sure they're not backed up anywhere." he guides me to a section of the book case by the window. There's a series of leather bound hardbacks, the same gold font embossed on the spines. I recognize all of them, pulling out the first one.

"This is my favorite" I say without thinking about it and he does a double take, clearly thrown.

"You've, uh, you read my work?" he asks, completely puzzled. I'm sort of proud that I've managed to make him this awkward, and I nod.

"Mmhm, back before I joined the BAU actually. Before I really knew you" I regret saying the last part, it comes out a little meaner than I really wanted it to so I back track. "Spencer, I read all of your work while I was in college, you were like the gold standard. I don't think I slept more than 2 hours a night throughout my PHD because I was just trying to get as much done as you." and his face softens at the admission. But it takes him a moment before he responds. Leaving the two of us in silence a little too long.

"I had no idea" is all he says.

"I think this one was best" I say propping up the one in my hand, "you get a bit cockier as you move on” His eyebrows shoot up in surprise, "but I'll start with all of these I guess" I grab the matching books and stack them in my arms. Walking over to his desk and setting up. Glancing at the clock it was only 7pm so I decided to just make a start.

Spencer didn't contest. Letting me just get settled at his desk, I pull out my laptop and begin work on transcribing the first volume. After a few minutes he silently places a cup of tea down beside me and goes to sit on the sofa. The time rolls in quickly after that, each time I look up at Spencer he's carefully combing through the file I'd given him. Re-reading it and making little markings in his lavender notebook. I'm not really sure what I put in there that was worth making a note on but clearly he was reading between the lines on some things. That little notebook was like a profile of me.

When he seemed like he'd finished writing he pulls out his phone, scrolling through it aimlessly like I'd never seen him do before. It made him look so normal. His eyebrows knit together as he's looking at something on his screen and he stands up. Making his way over to me at the desk and shows me what he was looking at.

"Who's this?" he asks, "This guy you're with?"

I recognize the photo instantly. It's from a few years earlier, Nathan and I on the beach, my head resting on his chest. He'd taken it while we were on vacation celebrating our anniversary. That was about a month before I got into the BAU, I had no idea that was going to be our last anniversary. I gulp down the emotions that it stirs. I'm mostly over the whole thing by now, but looking at old photos like that, photos of happier times, it can still sting.

"That's uh, the boyfriend I was telling you about last week. Nathan, we broke up not long after I joined the BAU?" he nods, but he's smart, and I kind of figure he already knew that.

"Ah alright" he takes out the hardback and jots another note down. Maybe he's trying to get a read on me.

"What are you doing?" I gesture to the phone,

"It's research, do you not think that if you and I were really dating that stalking your social media profiles would be on my agenda?" he's smug, and he's right. But I guess I just didn't expect it from him.

"Well that's not really fair now is it? I can't reciprocate, you've got no social media presence whatsoever!" he finds that funny, letting out a deep chuckle and tucking his phone away in his back pocket.

"Maybe so, but that imbalance is hardly my fault. Besides, you've read all my dissertations apparently..."

"Bastard" I joke, slamming my laptop shut and throwing a pen from his desk at him so that it lightly bounces off the top of his head.

"Hey, there's no need for violence Y/N!" he rubs the spot beneath his curls, "Maybe it's time you took a break actually?" he says, sitting himself back down on the sofa.

I was reluctant to admit it but he was right. My eyes were starting to go a little fuzzy after looking at the screen for so long. I stand up and stretch my arms out above my head, feeling my spine stretch out after sitting for so long, letting out a low groan. Spencer waves me over to the sofa and I join him.

"How about we go back to basics?" Spencer asks with a small grin, and I can't help but let out a long sigh.

"I thought I was taking a break, no more questions" he just laughs at me,

"Relax, you're not that interesting, it's just a simple question." he states, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to find it funny or offensive

"Ugh, fine, shoot"

"Well, actually it's two questions" he corrects, "what's your favorite movie, and what's your favorite snack?"

I'm confused mostly by the fact that it actually is a simple question, I was expecting something a lot more contentious, but also because he looks eager to know the answer.

"I'm not really sure what my favorite movie is to be honest, one of them is Night of the Living Dead?"

He nods to himself, and jots it down in the notebook again, "Alright, I can make that work" he stands up off the sofa before turning back to me, "and snack?"

"Peanut butter cups I guess?" I respond and he grins ear to ear, which is a completely new sight, and I like it way more than I thought I would.

"Perfect, gimme 2 minutes!" he leaves the living room and wanders towards the kitchen.

Spencer returns a few minutes later with a DVD, a packet of peanut butter cups , and a thick knitted blanket gathered in his arms. He drapes the blanket over me and gently places the peanut butter cups on top of it before popping the DVD into the player and sitting down beside me. I'm not really sure how to process any of the situation. Am I about to watch a movie on Spencer Reid's sofa? Sitting next to Spencer Reid?

"I... I, uh, thought you were just asking for your notes?" I ask, pointing at the notebook resting in his lap. He picks it up and throws it onto the coffee table.

"Sometimes I find experience is the best teacher, don't you?" he asks before pressing play, “And besides, it should keep you quiet for a whole 96 minutes” of course.

I can only nod in agreement, I'm not really sure what I'll say if I try to speak. I get myself cosy under the warm blanket and we watch the movie in near silence.

Once the credits roll Spencer finally speaks up, "I actually went to see a screening of this last month downtown, there was this little old horror movie fest-" I cut him off without really realizing, I'm just strangely excited that we've genuinely got something in common.

"Holy shit, I was there!" I say, more enthusiastic than the situation calls for.

He laughs at my excitement, "Well, I guess we have more overlap than I thought, that should probably help with the whole charade." he stretches his arms up over his head and let's out a small, gentle yawn. I'd been enjoying myself more than I thought I would, or would ever tell Spencer, that I'd almost forgotten that we'd both been on a case for almost every waking moment of the past week. I really should feel a lot more drained than I do.

I was just after midnight when I suggested that I head back home. I offered to take some of the books home to work on throughout the weekend but Spencer insisted that I just work on them whenever I came over again. I sort of felt like I should thank him for the evening when I was on my way out the door, or give him a quick hug, no that felt wrong. In the end all I could really muster was a lousy, "goodnight" and a meek wave on my way out the door before I drove home. And couldn't get to sleep.

— —

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[maraudersftw]

This is weird. My dialogue is awful. I've been writing for over eight years now. I've barely improved. I feel demoralised every time I reread something of mine because it's just plain terrible. Like, there's no way anyone is actually ever going to say that. Let alone two super witty people, you just know would be great at bantering / flirting. I've asked people to beta, they're just too nice to actually tell me the very apparent issue with my dialogue. I'm not exaggerating. What should I do?

Hey, anon! First of all, I'm honoured that you thought of reaching out to me for this question even though I'm definitely still learning a lot of things about writing and what feels right to me myself. But I understand where you're coming from, and I'll do my best to help you out in whatever way I can. If any of my lovely writer mutuals have more to add, please feel free to do so!

1. Before I even start talking about anything else, it's important to remember that we're our own toughest critic, so it's possible (and quite likely) that your dialogues are not nearly as terrible as you think they are. When you've been writing and staring at the same words you've written multiple times, even the most interesting of dialogues can feel lame and try-hard to you. Whenever I write a fic and proofread through it before posting, 9/10 times I feel like it sounds boring or too dragged out. And it's because I already know what's going to happen, what the other person is going to say. Even if something is meant to be witty, I no longer find it to be so because I've written them. Return to your fics a year from now and you may feel differently.

2. Your betas are there to help you. I know it's difficult to broach that awkward boundary where you want them to be brutally honest about your writing vs wanting strangers on the internet to shower you with validation, but if you really, genuinely, want to improve your writing and make the maximum use of your betas, try talking to them about it. From what you've told me, they seem like very nice people, and if you tell them that they should just be as critical with your writing as they are with theirs, I think they'd understand. If they find that uncomfortable, that's fair. You can always ask someone else. I find that having different betas for different fics is always a good idea because you get to see how differing perspectives work.

3. Ask your betas to leave you comments when they're editing. It's easier to just pass on the doc and have them fix your typos and grammatical errors, but ask them how you can improve the dialogue and pacing as well! Tell them to leave some tips for you as they go over your work. This way, it doesn't have to be an one-on-one conversation (so neither of you feel awkward), and you can just return to the doc later and go through the suggestions slowly and imbibe them into your future works.

4. This might sound very simple, but it's important to remember when you're writing fic that these characters are normal humans who talk and behave like normal humans do. Sometimes, the whole flirting/bantering feel of the conversation just comes through from their actions and not their words. For eg. instead of writing something like:

"Hey, Potter! Are you free this weekend?" asked Lily.

"Why? Wanna take me on a date, Evans?" He smirked.

"Maybe I do."

You bring the scene to life through the same words, but more actions. Like so:

"Hey, Potter!" Lily called, her fingers tentative as they fell on his arm. James turned around, one eyebrow cocked. "Are you free this weekend?"

He looked at her silently, a smirk pulling at his lips. "Why? Wanna take me on a date, Evans?"

Lily's eyes glittered with the thrill of a challenge, and she pressed a little closer. "Maybe I do."

5. Make sure that you let your characters talk and breathe like normal humans, too! Let them take those heavy pauses for tense scenes, let them break off in between sentences because they can't finish a thought right or they're laughing too hard or they've just suddenly remembered something that froze them on the spot. Let them fumble and sigh and repeat words like we do IRL conversations. If your character is having an argument, and they're red in the face, they're probably not gonna say: "Why not?"

They're much more likely to say: "Well, why the hell not?!"

You can throw in a couple of "um"s and "uh"s and "er"s for those unsure few milliseconds. Em dashes are your best friends here. Sometimes, even saying that they're pausing to think or breathe or collect themselves can help bring your dialogues to life.

But yeah, don't overdo them either coz then the flow might break lol

6. Read! Read! Read! As writers, we sometimes forget to really read other stories or appreciate different characterizations and writing styles, which can make your writing growth halt. Not saying this is true for everyone, but reading more definitely doesn't do harm. And especially for us fanfic writers, this works even better, because we're writing about the same characters again and again. If you read another writer's take on it, you'll slowly start to hold onto the pattern of how a certain character speaks, or what they're likely to do. This is extremely useful when writing a dialogue. For instance, I know how headstrong and stubborn Lily is, I've read so many takes on this trait of hers. So when I write my dialogues, I know I can't have her backing down easily. She will go red in the face, she will yell, she will be in denial, and say harsh things she probably doesn't mean entirely when she's mad. But at the same time, I also know she's unflinchingly kind, so you know you have to write that she speaks in soft tones when comforting someone. She probably smiles really kindly, tucks her hair behind her ear when she's shy, confesses things with a lot of bravery, watches James from the sidelines with the softest expression (sorry, got lost in the feels for a sec)

Similarly, you've gotta make James be the loudest one in the room, the one who's voice carries over to everyone, who's absolutely unabashed in his dialogues and whose confidence shines through his words. But the same boy then turns unsure and tentative in moments where his heart is on the line. I always write his dialogues as super vulnerable during such scenes (much more than Lily's would be). A lot of desperation, pleases, promises, etc. etc.

I know this got really long, and I'm not sure if any of it was at all helpful. If you're looking for something specific, please do send in another ask! I don't mind helping out!

[allegra-writes]

“Heartfelt”

Bar musician! Harry styles x Bartender!Reader

General audiences

Warnings: None

Just some Valentine's day fluff with our favorite green eyed boy. Dedicated to @gaycinnamonrollgirl for giving me the idea, and @tomsrebeleyebrow for patiently listening to me endlessly gush about Harry Styles and still being my friend. Happy belated Valentine's day 💖

"You don't have to say you love me

I just wanna tell you somethin'

Lately you've been on my mind..."

Adore you - Harry Styles

...Oh, she looks so good, oh, she looks so fine

And I got this crazy feeling that I'm gonna ah-ah…

"Bartender, my good friend! I'll have my usual and a plate of your finest chips, if you would be so kind"

It was closing time when Harry, the local musician, sat in front of you, elbows on the bar you were wiping down while humming to Patti Smith's "Gloria".

You raised an eyebrow at him, but the willowy man could see the slight tremble at the corner of your lips, a tell that you were suppressing a smile.

"I'm afraid the kitchen is closed, mister Styles. Sam left an hour ago."

"Yes yes, but I have it from a very good source he left you a big pile of leftover chips before he did," He accused, "you know, as he does every night..."

You frowned in confusion,

"I thought you hated cold fries. That you found them to be, and I quote, soggy and disgusting" 

"I guess you can say I acquired a taste for them" He shrugged, mischievous green eyes sparkling, "Just like you did for this lowlife songwriter in front of you and the heartfelt conversations you share with him" 

"Did you now?" There was an edge of scepticism in your voice, but you were already disappearing inside the kitchen. 

Harry's heart did a little jump as you didn't immediately deny liking him.

"Hey, Joe" he called out, "why don't you go home? I'll help Y/N close when we're done…" 

There was a deaf noise as a young waiter, the only person left in the bar beside the two of you, set the last chair on top of a table. 

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I got this" he reassured him, "did it dozens of times. Go home to your girl"

"Thanks, mate!" The second brit practically skipped on his way to the backroom, but turned around just before reaching the door. "Listen, you know I like you, but if you hurt y/n in any way…"

Harry smiled, genuinely. He could never get mad at anyone that protective of you.

"You know where I live. Pick my sister on the way, though. I think she would like to join you."

Joe rolled his baby blues,

"I know you're not a creep. I meant her heart"

"Yeah, me too…"

Whatever your friend saw inside Harry's eyes was enough to convince him. He nodded and left, as the musician got up to lock the front door and turn the "open" sign off. 

If you noticed Joe's absence at your return, you didn't comment on it, simply setting the giant pile of chips and two cans of cherry cola you were carrying, down in front of Harry, who had returned to his seat. 

"Ah, you always have the good stuff!" the sigh that left his lips as he took the first sip of the soda was not unlike the one any of your regulars made after the first taste of something strong after a hard day. 

"Rough night?" 

"Kind of. Good show though, so at least I have that going on for me…" 

"It really was, I'm actually impressed" You had to confess, "And surprised too, it was a bold choice going acoustic on a night like this, with such a big audience," So many people had gathered to see the show that the bouncer had to start rejecting people so you wouldn't have trouble with the fire department "but it definitely worked" 

There was a slight blush on the singer's cheeks when he replied, far more humble than you were used to,

"Well, you know, Valentine's day and all that. The band, all have boyfriends and girls they wanted to spend the evening with…"

You tilted your head,

"And you didn't?" It was hard to believe, when almost every night he played there you would see him leave with a different, always sculptural, painfully perfect girl. Or man. 

Harry didn't reply, choosing instead to stuff his face with stale fries.

"Alright then" You raised your shoulder in surrender, "keep your secrets…"

He squinted in disbelief,

"Did you just quoted The Lord of the Rings at me?"

"Did you just recognize my Lord of the rings quote?" You countered.

"You are such a nerd!"

"Look who's talking, chicken little!" You gestured at his powder blue sweater with a yellow baby chick at the front and herringbone pants. 

"Oi!" His manchester accent popped out, like it always did whenever he lost his cool "I'll have you know, this is Gucci"

You scoffed,

"That doesn't make it any better, it just means that you spent a shit load of money to look like my third grade teacher, mister Harrington!" 

"Ok, first of all," he countered, "your teacher sounds awesome and second-"

An inelegant snort escaped your mouth. Harry's emerald eyes pinned you down. 

"Second of all, you're no one to talk either, kitten hoodie" 

You could feel the heat creeping up your cheeks. Praying he couldn't see your blush in the dim light, you took a mouthful of soda to cool you down. 

For a moment, none of you said anything, the sweet notes of Fleetwood Mac's "Dreams" the only thing filling the silence.

… Players only love you when they're playing

Women, they will come and they will go...

"Listen, y/n-"

"If I'm being honest-" 

He chuckled,

"I'm sorry, ladies first" 

"Now I'm not sure if I wanna tell you…"

"Come on" A grown ass man pouting should not be that cute, "I want to know"

You feigned a long suffering sigh,

"Fine, if you must know- If you must know, I actually like your new style. It's way better than that... rock and roll cliche... thing you had going on when we first met" You gestured vaguely in the direction of his body, "You know, the long hair, black clothes, doc boots…" 

He flinched, 

"Ugh, Don't remind me. I was trying too hard back then. And not only with my clothes, with my music too"

"Oh, yeah, I remember. All you used to sing about was" You chose your words carefully, "frisky girls and being horny…" 

"Well, to be fair, I still sing about being horny"

"Yeah, but now you're…"

You trailed off, unsure of how you could explain the difference, the change in your feelings towards his music, without explaining the change in your feelings towards the man that made it.

However, Harry would not let it go that easy. He was used to you being sharp, opinionated, guarded. Now there was a crack on that armour, and he wanted to see what was underneath it. 

You hadn't even realized how close you had leaned into each other until his hot breath fanned over your face.

"Now I'm what, y/n?"

More real. More mature. More emotional, as if he had finally found the link, made the connection between sex and love. 

"More open"

Harry smiled,

"Open. Yeah, I like that…"

So close. He was so close now, his malaquite eyes were out of focus. So close you could feel his magnetic field, the gravity of his atoms pulling in yours.

"Harry…" 

Never in his twenty seven years of life and over ten as a musician, had he heard a more beautiful sound than his name, breathlessly falling from your lips.

"Yes?" He murmured, lips ghosting over your soft, perfect ones.

"No"

"No?"

"No" You repeated, more firmly, taking a step back, putting as much space between the two of you as possible, "I know what this is"

"And what is this, y/n" To your surprise, he didn't sound mad, or demanding. He sounded confused and sad. Dissapointed but unsurprised, as if he had expected it to go south or… never had dared expect it would actually happen at all. 

"A bad idea" You explained, "with guys like you, is always the same: You have beautiful women throwing themselves at you every night. And you take them home with you cause why wouldn't you? You are young, and free and hot. There is nothing wrong with taking what's being offered" 

"Y/n-"

"I'm not saying it's your fault" You went on, ignoring him, "And I'm not saying you don't fall in love, sometimes. But that's the exception, not the rule, and I… I'm the kind of girl that's the rule. Not the exception"

Harry had always thought the worst that could happen to him was losing your friendship. Finally making a move, a real move, and getting rejected by you. He thought that was the definitive pain, the one that would obliterate him, if things were not to work out. And he was almost certain they would not work out. 

But sitting there, in front of you, separated by a wooden bar that might as well have been the great wall of china as you stood there, arms around yourself, small and defenseless as you explained to him all the reasons why you wouldn't allow yourself to love him… that was way worse. 

"What if you already were my exception?" He blurted out, before he could stop himself, "What if I was in love with you?"

You laughed, bitterly.

"Harry, I'm not even your type. I've seen you leave night after night with models and socialites and actors, each one more surreally stunning than the last one…" You didn't have a bad self esteem, you didn't. You considered yourself attractive, but the people Harry usually went for were on a whole different level.

"Yes, but that's only because the most absolutely perfect woman in the world for me, keeps me at arm's length!" He rubbed his face in frustration, "And it's so maddening, so fucked up, the way I can't even get away from her long enough to get over her, because even the pain of seeing her every night knowing I can't touch what I see, that I will never have her, is better than the pain of being away from her. 

So I keep on taking home the hottest people I can find hoping they will keep me distracted long enough to fill the hours until I can see her again… until I can-"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Never, in all the time you had known each other, had Harry given you a single signal indicating he had any kind of feelings for you. Your relationship had always consisted of friendly banter and quip battles. Sure, you could get flirty sometimes, but you were a bartender, flirting was pretty much your customer service voice, and he was a musician, he would flirt with his own shadow if he could.

Harry opened his mouth to explain, but a familiar melody started coming from the still working speakers.

Walk in your rainbow paradise

Strawberry lipstick state of mind…

"Hey, this is my song!" You didn't quite understand why he seemed so marveled, "You never added any of my songs to your playlist before!"

Oh. Oh.

"Yeah, well" Harry could now clearly see your darkened cheeks as you stumbled over your words, "I guessed I never liked one of your songs so much before" 

This time, he was the one blushing and avoiding your eyes.

"What would you say if I told you-... If I told you I wrote this one for you?"

"I'd say you're full of shit" You scoffed, "Didn't you tell me you only ever wrote about girls you had dated?"

"No," he corrected, "I said I only ever wrote about women that had broken my heart…"

"How did I break your heart?"

Harry sighed. Your walls were back up, higher than ever, and he didn't know how to break through them. It wasn't your fault -and had it been your fault, truth was he could never blame you either, there was something about you that made it physically impossible for him to get mad at you- you spoke from experience, he didn't need to unlock the secrets of your past, didn't need the details. It was obvious you had been burned before, and though he hated it, hated them for whatever they had done to you, he couldn't fault you for trying to protect yourself.

Not when he wanted to protect you too. 

"You didn't like me, back when we first met"

"Harry-"

"No, it's ok. You didn't like me, and you were right not to like me. I know you probably didn't realize it but, that first time you rejected me, when I flirted with you that very first night and you rolled your eyes at me… you changed my life"

"What? How??"

"You weren't wrong, I was a cliche. And I was trying way too hard, to be cool, act like a rockstar… but you took a look at that guy, at that though, playboy, sex, drugs and rock 'n roll guy… and you hated him" Harry snickered. You didn't understand what about all that was so funny, "I had created that guy so that everyone would like him, and you hated him. And the funny thing is-" He finally met your eye. No, he caught your eye and imprisoned them, "The funny thing is, you hating me for what I wasn't, somehow allowed me to start being myself a little bit more, because if you already disliked me… then I had nothing to lose" 

You didn't quite know what to say to that.

His bright green eyes were unable to face yours, choosing instead to focus on the palms he was picking at,

"Is that why you… uhm…" You pointed at his sweater.

"Yup" He admitted, "I showed up here one day, on laundry day, in one of my old nerdy sweater vests and you smiled, when you saw it"

"I remember that!" You chuckled, "It was the brown striped one, it almost looked like a crop top, cause it obviously didn't fit anymore"

Harry nodded,

"I may have had a couple grow spurts since I got that in high school" 

"Ok, but, you made it work somehow…" 

"Thank you. The point is…" he turned serious again, his deep, rich voice even more hypnotic than usual. Or maybe it was just you, for the first time allowing yourself to enjoy it without reservations. "The point is, you didn't like cool Harry, but you liked the real me. Even if just a little bit, and that meant the world to me. I… I adored you because of it. So I wrote a song for you, cause even if I couldn't say it to your face, I had to get it out. Just like I had to get this out tonight"

He opened his arms wide, in his typical ta-da gesture, sad, resigned smile on his face, before getting up from his stool, grabbing his jacket and guitar case.

"You don't have to say anything, I don't expect you to love me back" He declared, "I just- I thought I'd let you know. Valentine's day and all that."

He turned to leave, his own voice still signing in the background,

I'd walk through fire for you, just let me adore you

 Oh, honey…

"Harry, wait!" You almost fell on your face, trying to jump over the bar, but managing to stop him right before he reached the door. His poorly concealed smirk told you he might have seen your little show, but you didn't care.

"Did you mean it? That you'd do anything for me?" 

"I did" He confirmed, earnestly, "I still do. Anything you want, just say the word"

"Well then," you took a step towards him, that he mirrored without even noticing, "what about a date? A daytime date. At a public place." You clarified. Harry did smirk at that.

"What's the matter, afraid you won't be able to keep your hands off me?" He teased, leaning closer. 

"Don't ruin this, Styles" You warned, raising to your tiptoes to meet him eye to eye.

His smile faltered, replaced by the most sincere intensity you had ever seen on his handsome face,

"Wouldn't dream of it, bartender" He whispered, before capturing your lips with his.

[ionicexpressions]

You have no idea how much I cherish all of your kids

🍁🌼☘️ Ladybug

🍃 Sugar Rush

🌈 Raspberry Dazzle and Zinnia

❄️ Hare

☁️ Duckpaw

🌸 Jasperchasm

🌲 Vervain Vesper 👁️

🍁Favorite Ladybug moment HAS to be the time Jasperchasm took her to the gathering place and they had it all to themselves. That was where we started actually shipping the two of them I think and it was just so sweet...I go back and read it sometimes bc of how sweet they both were to each other.

🌼Alternate name...I really love Ladybug lol so I havent thought about it too much honestly. I had an old of named Beetlebird though and I think that name would be really cute! Since "Lady Beetle" and "Lady Bird" are both other names for Ladybugs :)

🍀Romance with Ladybug and Jasper for sure!! They need more development!! To stop being dumb!! I would love to develop more of her friendships with the other mothers of the clan as well. And I think it would be real nice to befriend Jasper's family members as well, especially Ravine.

🌈 I want Razz to gain some confidence!!!! Its been so fucking difficult to get the bot to cooperate and its annoying. She was meant to have confidence issues but I was hoping someone would have helped her along at this point...but maybe soon!

🌈 I would like it if Zinnia reconnected with her romantic side. Considering her first ever crush (and best friend) kind of left her for dead... She's forgotten that anyone can actually have feelings for her. I've talked about it a bit with another rper so we have scheduled a bit of an arc with them...unsure if it will go into romance but we will see! Exciting!!

❄ Hare...god he says so much good shit.

"I like ta think I got a brain rattlin' around up in there!"

"Ya cant jus' say that after someone goes an' pours their heart out ta ya!"

"I'll take a look-see. If one o' us is gonna get in trouble fer crossin' the border it should be the guy who has a higher chance o' gettin' away wit' it."

And my ALL TIME FAVE:

"I jus' told ya I don't wanna hurt 'er an' the first thang ya take from that is that I'm some sort o' lily liver?;; I respec' Turtle. Even if I am late ta tellin' 'er an' she goes fer someone else, it won't matter. Ma feelin's ain't gonna change an' I ain't gonna suddenly start havin' a problem wit' 'er 'cause she followed 'er heart. I'm bein' patient 'cause I think that's what she needs. If I lose out 'cause o' it, then it prolly weren't meant ta be.;; I'm still gonna like 'er an' we're still gonna be friends regardless o' who holds 'er heart in their paws. Maybe ya should mind yer own bus'ness instead o' givin' advice fer cats ya left behind..?"

🌸 I adore Jasper's relationship with Newt. Like theyre best friends who are also in love with each other but also bully the shit out of one another??? They're so funny! But they care about each other so much too. They're kinda like brothers at this point I think, just bc of how close they've gotten and I know the romance arc of them has since been kinda retconned with the introduction of Lady (lmao sorry dudes). Alternatively his relationship with Hare is just so sweet. Jasper really is a great family member, regardless of what role he takes or if theyre biological. He just has so much love to give!

🌲 Vervain Vesper...I mean I think its a given that I ship her with Rose Light. But also recently Andante Noon!! Honestly the 3 of them are all so good together and idc if they end up in a throuple but I want at least two of them to get together!!! Make it happen!! *bangs fists on table*

[ressyfaerie]

Last suggestion! (I've only saw the dub & not read the manga so pls forgive if I'm wrong with this and they all know) Random headcanon that somehow Kai is the last to know about Tyson's mom passing. Idk but I feel like Kai makes a tasteless comment and the team are like dude we know this? And he's just generally ??? what? He misunderstands and thinks it's recent and speaks to Tyson but he tells him it's been years and years and he's at peace with it. Bonus if awkward hug/attempt at one from Kai 😂 (I also headcanon he's never had a hug so has no idea how to)

AWWW this sounds so cute im doin it. Oh alcohol mentions! It wrote itself but its v cute im proud of this one for sure!!!

Just teenagers being teenagers.

A night in the dojo without adult supervision and nothing to do meant stealing alcohol from the liquor cabinet and singing karaoke.

Ray and Max’s harmonies shattered eardrums.

Tyson laughed, “how can they be high and low pitched at the same time?”

Acting silly and opening up was what tonight was all about.

Even Kai got talkative after a few drinks, you could even say he was acting—

“Irresponsible! Kai get down from there!” Tyson held his sides laughing so hard he thought his lungs would collapse.

Kai hung off the edge of the couch, lounging like a rich prince.

Max hopped up beside him, “what are you doing buddy?”

“I’m a cat.”

The room fell into an uproar of laughs and giggles. Kai fell to the cushions laughing as well.

Tyson took every opportunity to jab questions into Kai.

“Favourite animal?”

“Cats.”

“Favourite food?”

“That ramen you made for us that one time.”

“Favourite dance?”

“Never done it, but I’m a fan of swing.”

“Favourite childhood toy?”

Now he got hung up on that one.

They both laid on the floor, everyone slowly joined. Music from karaoke turned on low escaped the TV surrounding the room in a comforting atmosphere.

“I never really had one.”

“Everyone had one!”

“My parents gave me a stuffed tiger.” Ray grinned while holding a pillow close to his chest, “I lost it though. Man, I loved that thing.”

Max started to talk, then stopped giggling, “I had a piece of silk.”

They laughed, Tyson was the first to respond, “a piece of silk?”

“I called it silky. I was from one of my mom’s old skirts. I would sleep with it every night when she was gone.” He chuckled, “I actually still have it.”

“Where is it?” Ray asked.

“At my dads. I keep it on my nightstand.”

Hilary was sleeping on the couch with her head on Kenny’s lap, Kenny joined the conversation with a hushed voice. “Was it hard? Having a mom that was only half there all the time?”

“Yeah. I always told myself… At least I have a mom. There’s lots of people who aren’t as lucky as me.”

“Yeah…” Kenny trailed off, knowing he had two parents that loved him, and he probably wasn’t welcome in the conversation about to ensue.

“Your Dad’s nice though.” Ray pointed out.

“I love my Dad. My Mom can be a handful…”

“Other way around for me.” Tyson had his arms folded behind his head, “at least you don’t have any crazy siblings.”

“Dude, fuck Hiro.” Kai hiccuped.

“Guess we learned Kai has a low alcohol tolerance.” Max threw a pillow at Kai to catch him off guard.

He caught it in midair.

“Ooohhhh!!” Tyson cooed in awe.

Kai grumbled,” I’m fine. I just hate that guy.”

“Well I never knew my parents thanks for asking.” Ray changed the subject delicately, Kai had a habit of getting aggressive when he talked about Hiro, he didn’t want the conversation to turn sour.

“Why not?” Tyson asked with a drunken lack of compassion.

Ray shrugged, “ it takes a village to raise a child, I guess that’s what happened.”

“Makes sense.” Tyson sat up lazily, “wanna know what my favourite toy was?”

“Hell yeah!” Max somehow had another pillow and was throwing it in the air and catching it over and over again.

“Other than Dragoon, it was this old kendo sword my mom gave me. It was an heirloom. I still have it, but I played with it so much I wore it out, I’m afraid to use it again.”

Surprisingly, it was Kai who responded.

“Wow, your Mom must have put a lot of trust in her kid to give them something like that. She must have loved you a lot.”

The room grew quiet and cold.

Kai turned to look at Tyson, who was just staring back with a blank expression.

“I’m going to go get some water.” Tyson sat up making his way to the kitchen.

As soon as they heard the door slide shut, Max shoved a fist into Kai’s chest.

“Ow! What the hell was that for?!”

“Idiot! Tyson’s Mom died when he was just born! He never even met her! He never talks about it because it's a bit of a touchy subject!”

Max frowned and glared at Kai.

“Sorry.” Kai started, “I never really clued in. I thought she died when he was older.”

Ray slapped a hand to his forehead, “dude, we know this.”

Kai sighed, “I’ll go apologize.”

“Yeah you better!” Max threw the pillow at him, this time Kai let it hit him, accepting his punishment weakly.

“Tyson?”

The kitchen was dimly lit, Tyson was making something at the counter.

“You want some tea Kai?”

“What kind?”

“Just green tea. Nothing special.”

Kai watched him pour the water, unsure how to start, he could still feel the effects of alcohol bouncing around his brain. He waited a moment, hoping to articulate his thoughts appropriately.

“I’m sorry—”

“It’s okay, Kai. It’s been a long time, almost two decades, I mean—you’d think I’d be over it?”

Kai saw his eyes, slightly damp with tears.

“This is a tough subject for you. I’m sorry.”

Tyson rubbed his eyes with his sleeve, letting out a sniffle.

“I’ve always been okay with it. I guess… I’ve never known anything different. I do wish my father and brother were more present though.”

Tyson stared out the window into the darkness of night. He couldn’t see anything, but he still looked, for a long while.

Kai licked his lips before continuing, “I never knew my parents well either. They abandoned me, I have some memories of them, but not much.”

Tyson gave him his attention, and tried to change the subject, “so you would have had a favourite toy then?”

Kai suppressed a laugh, knowing what he was trying to do,” like I said, my memories of that time are fuzzy. I actually remember more of the abbey—surprisingly enough.”

“Oh.” Now Tyson was worried he had overstepped.

“Do you remember what your Mom looked like?” Kai wasn’t sure why he was pressing the subject, he normally wouldn’t.

Tyson blinked a few times, surprised by Kai’s sudden curiosity. “Um, apparently I have her hair, and her eyes. Her face was soft too, so I guess I got all my Mom’s features.”

Tyson rubbed the back of his head grinning.

Kai agreed, “thank god.”

Tyson let out a fast laugh, “ha! Did you just call my Dad ugly?”

Kai squinted his eyes, “I guess I did?”

They fell into probably the hundredth laugh attack of that night, Tyson placed his hand on Kai’s shoulder stabilizing himself.

Their laughs drifted away, Kai glanced at Tyson’s hand, then at his best friend.

“I’m sorry you never knew your mother.”

Tyson was caught off guard at Kai’s soft voice.

“I’m sorry you never really knew yours…” Tyson returned the sympathy.

Kai grinned, and bit his lip, “I’m sorry your Dad’s so ugly.”

“Ha!”

The uncontrollable giggles had Tyson holding his side, and Kai hunched over. They were so close to each other now. Tyson’s hand had drifted to Kai’s neck, he could feel his warm skin and heartbeat. Kai had gone completely against his character, and was holding Tyson’s stomach trying to prevent him from keeling over.

Then Tyson fell forward, letting his chin prop on Kai’s shoulder.

Kai was halfway to hugging him.

When he realized this, he stopped giggling, and Tyson’s irregular breathing was the only remnant of laughter left in the room.

Kai’s voice barely reached Tyson’s ear, “I’ve never hugged anyone before.”

“First.” Tyson wrapped his arms around Kai’s shoulders.

Kai held his arms out loosely, “what are you, a youtube comment?”

Short laughs, Kai felt Tyson’s chest rumble with each chuckle, he let his hands fall into Tyson’s body.

He had his arms wrapped around Tyson’ abdomen, then curled them along his back, completely unsure if what he was doing was right.

Tyson’s voice reverberated through Kai’s ears, “I can hear your heartbeat.”

“What does it sound like?”

“Fast.”

They didn’t say anything.

Kai felt Tyson’s long hair against his cheek, he had never felt such soft hair, let alone so close… He breathed in.

“You smell like cedarwood and cherry blossom.”

“It’s my shampoo.”

Neither one of them had the confidence to break apart, or maybe... they didn’t want to.

Kai found his hand gliding up Tyson's spine, he felt Tyson shiver slightly at the touch. He gently played with the ends of Tyson’s blue hair, feeling it twirl through his fingers like silk.

“Are you… are you playing with my hair?” Tyson’s voice rang in disbelief.

Kai’s eyes grew wide when he noticed what he was doing. He pushed himself away, keeping one hand on Tyson’s side, he didn’t want to let go completely, out of fear he could never go back.

Tyson was in a mirror position with one hand on his shoulder.

“I won’t tell anyone.” Tyson smirked.

“You better not.”

“You can play with my hair whenever you want.”

“Can I!?” Kai took a step back after he realized how excited his voice was.

“Learn how to tie a braid and then we can talk.” Tyson pushed the envelope with his teasing.

“I’ll google it right now.”

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 6/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Welp, I'm back from travelling! For anyone interested to know how it went; it was great (if you love stress). Liverpool is a lovely place but I've destroyed my bank account :D

Anyway! We got 4 more chapters of this fic! This is where the conflict begins. I hope yall enjoy.

TW for this chapter: Homophobia, homophobic slurs

2020

The cake was in the fridge. We'd be seeing him later. For now, we settled for some spaghetti. It had become a sort of tradition for Jujubee and me for moments that needed celebrating. But we hadn't done it in so long, what with the stress of work.

"So, Juju, as you can see, I've labelled the pages you're allowed to read, so don't go looking at other shit, OK?" I asked, chopping up a red bell pepper.

"Why? If I do, am I gonna find some porn-y shit?" She quipped, running a hand along with the butterfly print book.

"Honestly, you know all of those details anyway." I gave her a smirk, taking a piece of pepper and throwing it over to her.

I almost expected it to fly past her head, but she caught it in her mouth. Skill.

"OK, but what's in the box, though?"

I almost forgot what she was even referring to. But following her gaze, I saw it, sitting on the kitchen counter beside the fridge. "Oh, that?" I scraped the peppers into the saucepan, "That is my memory box."

"Ooh, that's even more exciting." She beamed.

"No. We're not opening it." I moved on to an onion.

"Aw, why not?" Jujubee whined.

"Because I made my Mom promise me she wouldn't give it to me until I turned 50. But I was weak and begged her to give it back. So now, I've promised myself to not look inside until I turn 50." The air was no longer clean, poisoned with the acid from the onion. My eyes were beginning to sting.

"Aw, Brie, you don't need to get all emotional about it." She had to go and joke about the tear now trickling down my cheek.

"Girl, this is torture," I wipe my eye along my wrist, pretty sure my eyeshadow has been fucked up. "Did I fuck up the smokey eye?"

"Nope." I knew she was lying to me, but she couldn't take her eyes away, "You look absolutely gorgeous as usual."

"Not as hot as you, though." I sniffed. I needed her to focus on reading so I could finish chopping the onion as soon as possible. "Anyway, you wanna read something in there?"

Jujubee opened the book and immediately laughed, "Jesus Christ, Brie, bit dark."

She showed me the first page, childlike scribblings read 'Brianna's Diary. DO NOT TOUCH! Or this will happen to you!' An arrow led to a picture of a grave.

"I never even noticed that before," I chuckled.

"With a warning like that, I better find some crazy shit in here." she cleared her throat, "So starting in 1994, 'Diary Diary, Today, I had a fight with Jujubee. She really upset me, but I upset her too. I should say sorry. That's all. Bye.'" Jujubee lowered the diary, "you bitch, why did you upset me?"

"I have no idea, girl. I mean, didn't we do that a lot back then?" I shrugged.

"I bet you started it though," She lifted the book again, a coy smile on her face. "OK, moving on to 1995," she cleared her throat, "'Dear Diary, today Mommy and Juju's Mommy took us to see Pocahontas at the movies. It was very good. Goodnight.'" Jujubee paused to giggle, "God, I love how detailed this is. You could have added so much more."

"Girl, I was 8 years old. Writing more than 4 sentences was like writing the bible to me." I countered, finally scraping the onions into the pan with the peppers.

"Yeah, but we did so much more that day. We went to McDonald's after, we found that little frog pond in the woods." She pointed out.

I hadn't even remembered that. Now I kind of wished my younger self would have pushed herself to write more.

I was too busy rifling through my messy cabinet for oregano to notice Jujubee just flicking through page by page.

"But, you wrote 3 pages worth of poetry to Blair St Clair?"

Once I found the spice, I spun around to look at her, "Juju, I told you to only look at the pages that were labelled."

She held a hand up, "OK, I'm sorry." She closed the book.

I felt bad, thinking maybe my harsh tone brought the fun to a grinding halt. Squeezing my eyes shut, releasing a sigh, I said, "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for."

She took a sip of her water while I added the oregano to the saucepan.

"So, did you text her back?" She played with the glass in her hands.

I pursed my lips and shook my head. "Why? Do you think I should?" I asked quietly.

"Nah, not really."

"Well, why not?"

Jujubee shrugged her shoulders and went to look at her nails. "Don't know."

I clicked my heel, my tongue running along the top row of teeth behind my closed mouth. "Well, I've been thinking about it. I mean, maybe that's the problem. Maybe I could be a bit more responsive."

She made a humming sound. I was unsure what it was supposed to mean.

"OK, what's going on?" I put both hands on the counter.

"I don't know. I just think…" she paused, trying to find her words, "I don't see the point because the same shit will just happen again."

"The same shit?" I repeated, "what's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, her speaking all but 10 words to you and then completely ignoring your existence." She put a hand under her chin.

"Well, maybe that wouldn't happen if I actually spoke to her like I wasn't terrified for once," I suggested.

She squeezed her eyes together, "Oh no, Brie. I knew this was going to happen."

"What was going to happen?"

"The whole Blair thing. I thought you were over it. Well, until she messaged you recently, I had a creeping feeling that it was all gonna come back."

"Juju, listen to yourself. You're talking like this is an actual problem."

"I hate to say it, but it is. Do you remember the time she hung out with you in the library? You were so excited the next day. I hadn't seen you so happy in so long. You wouldn't stop talking about how she would probably be there again." She paused, "But she wasn't. And you were so disappointed."

"Yeah, but things could be different now."

"And how's that?"

"Well, I'm a different fucking person now, that's one thing. I'm successful, I'm smart, I'm hot as fuck, rich as fuck - -"

"And you think that's gonna be the game-changer for her? That she's gonna come running into your arms? Because if that's the case, that says a lot about her." Jujubee rolled her eyes.

"Well, I'm a big girl, now. If it happens again, I'll just get on with things. I'll move on.

"That's a lie."

I squinted my eyes. "Why are you being like this right now? You're so salty just because I fucked wrote a private letter to her as a child."

"This isn't about the letter, Brie. You know why I'm being like this. You shouldn't need to ask." But she continued, "You've never dealt with never having parents. You think that if Blair was to suddenly be truly interested in you, you'd get over the feeling of being unwanted. Yet you're surrounded by people who love and support you, who'd stick with you to the end. But right now, you don't give two fucks about them because you're too busy panicking about some girl from high school."

I lift my head again, putting one hand on the desk and the other on my hip, "Well, congratulations, Juju. Sounds like you got me all figured out. Hey, you wanna talk about my Grandpa next?"

She only reacted to that with a scowl. And she spoke again.

"You remember the prom? Do you remember what happened? Do you remember how she didn't do anything to stop Trevor?"

My eyes shifted away, just for a second. "She told him to stop."

"Which did nothing."

I wanted to argue how she was unfair. How it was so wrong to blame Blair for the prom incident. But I was distracted by a burning smell. Only now did I notice the onions and peppers blackening.

I quickly moved the saucepan off the heat, feeling it only radiating in my own face. I put a hand on the counter, the other on my hip. "OK, Juju, maybe you should leave."

It was safe to say Jujubee was taken aback. She remained still for a second before pushing her stool out. "So that's how it is? Kicking me out when you're faced with the truth?"

"Juju, just leave, please." I felt my hands clench around the edge of the counter, my nails digging into my hip.

"I am!" She grabbed her coat and stormed from the kitchen. I flinched upon hearing the door slam shut, and only then did it sink in - the dread, the feeling of regret.

I looked at the hob, the burnt vegetables unsavable. So they went in the trash. My stomach grumbled. But I couldn't bring myself to start over again.

Opening my fridge, my eyes were immediately on the cake. And I glanced over my shoulder, looking where she had sat, now feeling a sense of emptiness. Not in me, but the room. Like I was alone.

I was alone.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." I repeated as my hand clenched on the door. The cool air from the fridge felt nice but not enough to stop my panic.

I looked at the cake again, feeling the urge to throw it out the window. Or maybe just send it back to her.

Bitchy, I know. But I couldn't help it. I wouldn't be feeling like this if she hadn't acted the way she did.

I slammed the door shut, kicking it for extra measure. And in my heels, I almost tripped.

Filled with more anger, I paced around for a few minutes, aggressively cussing to myself.

Don't get me wrong, one part of me said she was right about Blair.

No. She isn't. I was going to prove Jujubee wrong.

I picked up my phone from the counter, found the message and began to type with trembling fingers.

"Blair…" I panted, "So sorry...for getting back to you so late... I'm a busy woman, as you...probably already know...Look... I'm just gonna say it...I really like you...I always have...You make me feel so confused...yet so happy at the same time...I feel a connection between us...I always have...I don't know whether you ever felt it or not...but I do hope so...I would love to meet up with you sometime soon...and maybe have a coffee...I don't know...maybe even some wine, if you want. I look forward to hearing back. Brie x"

My thumb hovered over the send button. The only sound I could hear was the ticking of the clock. Not even my own breathing.

I pulled my thumb away, closed my eyes and breathed out. "Brie. You sound fucking crazy. You sound insane. You can't just send shit like that." I repeated words of the same nature to myself, trying to usher myself off the edge before I could do something idiotic.

"Jesus Christ." I opened my eyes again, which were now glossy with tears. I wouldn't blink. I wouldn't let them fall.

Big mistake.

I thought I tapped the chat bar, going to delete the message. But my blurred vision said, "haha, no."

I tapped the button next to the chat bar. The send button.

The little noise my phone made as it was sent may as well have been the same as a gun clicking.

"Oh, God." My eyes couldn't tear away from the small screen. My heart rate increased. "No, no, no, you fucking idiot!" I pressed my thumb down on the message.

There was a delete option.

I clicked it.

'Are you sure? The recipient may have already seen the message.'

I backspaced to check.

There it was, the tiny version of her profile picture falling to the bottom of the screen. She was reading it.

"Fuck!!" I blurted.

I put the phone down on the counter, began pacing for a moment, and looked back at the phone. This went on for a few minutes. I wanted to be as far from my phone as possible. But also needed to know if she had replied.

This was it.

Blair was going to know how I was weirdly obsessed with her.

She was going to know I was checking her out in the library that one time.

She was going to know that I had fingered myself so many times at the thought of her.

What were my options?

Suicide - Not gonna happen.

Running away - But the project.

Reply with 'Hey, sorry! My friend took my phone, haha' - did anyone ever believe that excuse?

Block her before she could reply - then she'd think I was even more crazy.

Call up her place of work and somehow get her phone confiscated - why, though? That would involve Facebook stalking her again, trying to think of an excuse. Even if I did so successfully, she still saw the message.

All of the options just lead to cons. It was hopeless.

With shaky fingers, I switched my phone off and practically threw it onto the counter.

My body sank to the ground, now holding my head in my hands.

What do I do? What do I fucking do?

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

2004

I was shaking. Only slightly.

There was something about the prom that made me feel so on edge.

Maybe it was all the people, all together in one room.

Perhaps it was the fact the chess boys asked to make out.

Or perhaps it was the fear of missed opportunities. Opportunities that involved a certain someone.

I watched from the side of the room as Blair took pictures with her friends on her pink digital camera. There was a feeling of regret causing my stomach to twist, my fists clenching onto my purple dress.

That could have been me.

I felt a hand moving a curled lock of hair from my shoulder.

"Just think, girl; we're almost there," Jujubee appeared in front of my vision, "College is just around the corner."

"I can't wait to be out of here," I spoke quietly.

Everyone turned their attention to the stage as Rosé appeared, announcing it was time to crown Prom King and Queen.

"Well, it's pretty obvious who our queen is." Jujubee crossed her arms.

I knew who she was thinking of. To be fair, it was pretty obvious. But I wasn't complaining.

Trevor was our Prom King, not my King anyway. I scoffed as he cheered, being pushed up to the stage by his team.

"Jesus Christ, who would have thought." Jujubee took a sip of her punch, spilling a drop on her lilac puffy-sleeved dress.

"And your Prom Queen is…" Rosé paused, pulling the result from the envelope.

3...2...1…

"Blair St Clair!"

I smiled for the first time since walking into the place. I applauded her victory as she walked up onto the stage.

Blair hugged Rosé and whispered something in her ear. I had no idea what it was, but I was too distracted as Trevor just stared.

"You wanna make a speech, girl?" Rosé joked into the mic.

Blair laughed, covering her face with embarrassment. She turned down the offer.

"OK. Everybody," Rosé held a hand to Blair and Trevor, "You're King and Queen of 2004."

Blair looked slightly uncomfortable as Trevor put an arm around her waist. Why couldn't he get the hint she was done with him?

The two got down from the stage, Trevor's gaze following her in confusion as she moved far away from him.

"Aren't they supposed to do a dance now?" Jujubee asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know, Juju. I've only seen proms in movies, and they're quite obviously exaggerated."

My eyes landed on Blair once more. Trevor was whispering something in her ear, and she shook her head, rolled her eyes and walked away. Yikes, he was desperate.

"Jesus, I'm fucking nervous." Rosé was approaching us now, well, the punch table we stood beside. "Getting up on stage gets my body shaking, you know?"

"Wish I could do that." Jujubee replied.

"Yeah, well, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do." Rosé replied.

I eyed her suspiciously. This was odd; she'd never really spoken to us before.

"But of course," she looked left, then right, before pulling a flask from her bra and pouring it into a cup, "this helps. You ladies want one?"

"Nah, I'm good," Jujubee made a stank face.

Me, on the other hand, having never drank alcohol in my life, piped up, "Actually, yeah. Could you just pour me a shot of whatever that is?"

"Yeah, of course," and she didn't lie. She poured me a shot of vodka. No spitting in the cup, no adding anything sneakily, no hostility.

She passed the cup to me, giving a mischievous wink.

Tossing it back, I was totally shocked by the burning sensation it caused to my throat. I began to cough and splutter.

"Girl, chill out, or you're gonna draw attention to yourself." Rosé looked around.

I placed the cup down on the table, the plastic practically crumbling in my hand.

"This is it. The beginning," Jujubee joked, dabbing the corner of my mouth with her pinky. I didn't even know there was a drop of liquid there.

And I didn't know there was a hair out of place either. Because she was stroking a soft hand down my temple to my cheek.

"Brie, do - -"

"Juju, I'm gonna ask her to dance with me," I said all too loud.

The hand dropped instantaneously, her smile falling in a matter of seconds. Of course, I expected this shocked reaction. Even Rosé had nearly choked on her drink.

"For real?" Jujubee asked after a silent moment.

"Yep," I answered proudly, putting my hands on my hips.

"I guess you've never touched a drop of alcohol in your life, loser." Rosé leaned close to me.

"Something like that." I felt slightly uncomfortable now that she was dangerously close to me.

She snorted a laugh, holding up her hands as she walked away, "I'm not responsible for this."

So this was what they called liquid courage. Yeah, it was one shot, but it was my very first. And I was already feeling it. The buzz.

I turned to make my way to the girl I loved when Jujubee grabbed my hand, "Brie, are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Yes," I replied too quickly, tugging to pull away.

"Are you sure?" Her brows knit, "You're not gonna be upset if she says no, right?"

One final strong tug was enough to release her grip on me, "No, Juju. I'll be fine, just...stop questioning me, OK?"

She was silent, her arms dropping by her side.

But I continued on in my mission, vision slightly blurred, insides warmed.

Everyone around us was gone like they had just stepped into another world, leaving Blair and me in this reality. Or maybe it was the two of us who disappeared, somehow falling into the wormhole and ending up in the other world.

Or maybe it was just liquid courage.

There were only a few metres between us now. "Blair?"

She had been taking a sip of her coke when she looked up and noticed me. Wiping the corners of her mouth, she put the can down.

"Brianna!" She beamed. Her eyes looked me up and down, causing a brief moment of panic, "wow, look at you. You look great."

"Yeah, right, compared to you." I stifled a laugh.

"Oh, shut up." She smirked.

"So, um…" I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, looking away and to the ground, "I was just...wondering...if you'd wanna dance with me?"

I didn't lift my gaze. Only now did I understand what Jujubee meant. The girl hadn't even said no yet, and my heart was already sinking.

"It's just...this song is so good, and it's the end of the year, and we may not - -"

Before I could continue rambling, she cut me off.

"Sure. Yeah, I'll dance with you."

I lift my gaze to see her glittering smile. Like in the library, time didn't feel real anymore, and I needed to remind myself to breathe. "Really?"

"Yeah, of course." She briefly knit her brows like it shouldn't have been questioned. She took my hand in her perfect french manicured one, "Come on."

As we made our way to the dance floor, I was only now reminded that there were people here. So, we didn't slip through a wormhole. This was real. This was reality.

Blair found a spot on the floor, turned to me and wrapped her arms around the back of my neck.

For a moment, I was unsure of where to put my hands. I glanced over her shoulder, noting the couple also slow dancing. She has her arms around his neck. He had his arms around her waist.

I was hesitant at first but eventually gave in. Blair didn't mind. And I felt myself relax.

She just stared at me, the sweet smile still on her face. The music echoed around us. The lights were low. Pink tinted.

"So, how does it feel winning Prom Queen?" I asked. Of course, it felt amazing for her, but I needed to find an excuse to speak. Anything to avoid the somersaults my stomach was doing.

"I mean, it's nice, I guess. But, it's all bullshit anyway?" Her smile faltered, "Not something anyone in the future will give a fuck about, right?"

I disagreed. If I were to win prom queen, I would feel validated. And I would make sure I'd bring it up to everyone I ever met. Pathetic, I know.

"Well, I can't think of anybody better," I admitted. "Maybe they could have chosen a better King."

"Agreed." She nodded. "You know, literally just now, he tried to use this whole King and Queen thing to 'try again'. Not even that long before you came up to me. Brianna, I've already given him another chance. And he blew it."

"During the Summer?" I recalled.

"Yep." She pursed her lips.

"What did he do, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Oh, he just had some major anger problems," her eyes widened for a moment, "He never hurt me, though. He just...got so angry over the dumbest shit. It was just too much."

She puffed out a breath, the frown on her face appearing.

"You don't have to tell me any more," I said quickly.

"Sorry, I don't wanna get emotional." She looked back at me. "It's just... it's hard not to. You're a good listener."

How should I have felt knowing that was her analysis of me from very little time spent together? She really trusted me. "Blair... I'm sorry about that time in the library. When you mentioned my Grandpa. I feel terrible now."

"Please, don't. You were grieving."

'Was I really though?' I held back from saying.

"I never really had a Dad," I smiled, seeing his stupid smile in my head, "But he was the closest equivalent to that."

"I know what you mean." She began, "My Dad…" she trailed off for a moment, "He wasn't the best. You probably remember that one time I ran away as a kid. When you walked me to my Grandma's."

I wasn't even tense in the first place, but my body felt like it relaxed. "You remember that?"

"Of course I do. It really meant a lot, Brie." Her thumb stroked the back of my neck. I don't know if she did this intentionally or subconsciously. Was she even thinking about it? "That day, I never went back. Ever. My Grandparents took full custody of me, and they became my second parents. The ones I always deserved."

I felt my body relax even more like this was normal. "Blair, I wanna carry on something my Grandpa started."

"What's that?"

"It sounds crazy," I pause, "But he wants me to find a parallel universe."

I paused to take in her reaction. She did look taken aback for a moment. Could you blame her? "Is it even possible?"

"I mean, at first I thought he was a bit out there asking me something like that, on his deathbed and all. But I've been studying really hard, and I think it's achievable."

"That's interesting." She nodded. "So, what are you gonna do at college?"

"Drugs." I giggled before the smile dropped, "OK, not funny. Bad joke."

"I'm laughing, though." She was.

"Um, no. I'm gonna do Astronomy and Space science."

"I didn't know that was a major you could do," Blair replied.

"Me neither. What about you, though? Something in theatre?"

Blair lowered her gaze for a brief moment, "I dunno, Brie. I honestly don't see college as a me-thing. I'm constantly torn between theatre, fashion merchandising, cosmetology, politics..."

"Politics?" I laughed and instantly hoped she didn't take offence to that.

"What?" She smirked. "What's funny?"

"I just…" I paused, feeling my heart skip a beat as a particular memory came back. "This is crazy. I can't believe I remember this. All I can think about right now is the day we met. Remember the first day of elementary? On the bus? I told you I wanted to be a politician when I was older, just 'cause they liked to shout a lot. And you couldn't say the word right."

"Oh fuck, now that you mention it, I do remember." Blair laughed, "That was such a long time ago. We were so little." She looked away as if her mind had transported her to that moment. Did she remember it like I did? Did she remember how she held my hand and told me she was my friend?

And then never sat with me ever again?

My eyes had drifted away, looking over her shoulder at nothing in particular. The bad thoughts were taking over. I didn't want them to. I wanted to enjoy this moment forever. Just swaying back and forth with Blair in the middle of the dance floor.

She stroked her thumb on the back of my neck again, causing a spark to course through me.

Blair's looking at me again. "Brianna, how come we never talked more?"

I don't know if it was just me fantasising again, but her face was moving closer to mine, ever so slowly.

I had the answer to her question. But it couldn't ruin this moment. "I don't know," I whispered.

She was closer now, head tilted to the left.

And I found myself doing the same.

This was another fantasy. This isn't real.

I felt her breath on the corner of my mouth.

It felt real.

It was.

There was a frustrated roar.

A tight fist clenched around my arm.

I was pulled back forcefully.

My feet gave way.

I was on the ground.

"Are you kidding me??" Trevor stood in front of Blair, his face red with anger, "You won't fucking dance with me, but you'll dance with her??"

Everyone around us was just standing there, too shocked to do something.

"Trevor, what the fuck??" Blair went to move around him, trying to get to me. He only pushed her back.

"Of all the people, why her??" He grilled Blair with more questions. She looked afraid now.

Why the fuck wasn't anyone doing anything??

I felt a hand on my shoulder, but looking around, I saw it was actually Rosé. "Trevor, what the fuck??"

He turned to look as if offended that anyone else got involved. How could they not? Seeing her helping me stand must hit a nerve. Because he's snatched a cup of punch from a bystander, "Why are you defending the dyke??" And he threw the cup forward, the liquid drenching my hair and splattering my dress.

That was the final straw. I could feel my chest heaving.

I ran to the nearest exit. Running from the school. As soon as I felt the cool air on my skin, I wrapped my arms around my stomach. I was bent over, throwing up all the panic. Sparks of the bile dotted the bottom of my dress and shoes. I didn't care. My dress was already ruined.

I heard the door open behind me and immediately began to move again.

I tried to run, but the heels made it hard.

The person was in front of me now, hands on my face, tears streaking her face.

I expected it to be Blair.

But it was Jujubee.

"Brie, it's alright. I punched him for you." She whimpered, her hands on either side of my face, holding me tenderly.

My breathing was rugged, trying so hard to listen to her reassuring whispers. But in my head was the sound of the crowd gasping and Trevor shouting.

No one was going to forget about this. I'd be reminded by the stares in the corridors, how they'd whisper to each other.

"Let's go to my house. You can stay over if you want." Jujubee's sweet voice brought me out of my thoughts.

Words still failing to surface, I nodded.

As soon as we got in, she ran me a hot bath. Whilst I cleaned myself of the sticky punch that covered my hair and face, she made chocolate mug cakes with ice cream.

Sitting there in her room, dressed in her fluffy pyjamas, eating her food, I should have felt better. I should have been happy. But I just stared at the mug in my hand, still thinking of Trevor's anger and Blair's distressed face.

Jujubee took the mug from me, set it aside along with her own, and enveloped me in a hug. "Don't cry, Bri. Please, don't cry."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know I was crying." I wept.

"Don't apologise." She shushed me, "It's OK. You're OK."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

2020

And even now, I didn't realise I was crying again. And as it was too late to stop myself, I remembered sobbing into Jujubee's shoulder, holding her tightly, like she was the only one who could get me through it. She was the only one who could get me through it.

The events of the prom left me scared, always so on edge when walking those school corridors. Just terrified that Trevor would round the corner and do something worse.

But Jujubee was there for me every time. She'd hold my hand, not giving a fuck about who looked at us weird.

I know I should have grown a backbone and defended myself, and what had actually happened shouldn't have been as damaging as it was. But, hey, I was only human.

Jujubee got in a lot of trouble for punching Trevor in the face. But she didn't mind. "Just as long as he got what was coming to him," she had said.

Hearing her retell the event, I wish I had been there. She had jumped on him, tackling him to the ground and punched him over and over again.

But as exciting as that all was, I didn't speak to Blair again. I didn't think about her. I didn't talk about her. I didn't even look at her. Blair wasn't the one to come after me that night. She never even approached me to talk about it. She didn't give a fuck.

So I kept my distance.

And just as life went on without her, she just had to go and message me. After years of silence, she couldn't have left well enough alone.

I finally lifted my head. I reached up and grabbed my phone. Turning it back on, I immediately deleted Messenger, hoping to never see Blair's response.

This would be the beginning of my journey toward happiness.

Yeah. That was it. That's what I would do.