#I think I found a list and its my way out of a block lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 13 years ago

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FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2011 OMG, this is SOOO fucking funny! Especially if it works and it seems to be so far. The troll never takes more than a week off from my blog, so I’ll know for sure soon enough. She’s in almost every day. I looked for ways to block IPs for free and found a site that lets you block up to 3 IPs for free. If I installed the code in the proper place, the troll will be redirected to the site. She is going to be in for a real WTF? moment! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

I was almost tempted to block Andy, too. If I did I wouldn’t have to worry about him leaving any nasty comments and then I wouldn’t have to disable that and block wanted comments just to keep him out. But I think I’ll leave him alone so long as he doesn’t go causing any trouble. Molly’s a whole different story, though. She’s nosing in my blog because she likes to stalk people that dislike her and she wants to see if she or any of her former friends are mentioned.

One more day of work for Tom then it’s back to listing stuff on eBay. I just hope he doesn’t come home saying that they said the job has ended and not to come back next Monday! I don’t think it would be them to tell him that, though. Last time the temp agency called in the evening to break the lovely news.

I’m debating whether or not I want to run today and yes, I’m using PMS as an excuse if I don’t. :) It’s so nice to have only the physical symptoms of PMS this time around and not the emotional ones. I guess it really helps to have a life once and for all! I just keep hoping it lasts.

Later…

Heard from Andy on Formspring and am glad I did. :) Deep down I was hoping I would, too. Getting pissed is one thing, but the thought of literally never talking to him again is another. Like it or not the guy’s like family, LOL. We’ve been through so much together and we have so much in common and have known each other all our lives.

Anyway, he said he was glad I was back on Formspring, loves me, was depressed for a month, and hopes I’ve forgiven him for offending me. As I told him, we all say shit we shouldn’t say at times, including me.

He’ll be in Phoenix next week and offered to take pics of our old house, but nah. Who needs reminders since I wasn’t very happy there? The only thing I miss about the place is the pool.

He said he read about the day they stopped our Unemployment checks and said he prayed really hard for Tom to get a job. Well, something listened, that’s for sure. And its timing couldn’t have been better. We could’ve made it with eBay in addition to this job, but not with the toy store job.

What we don’t get is why someone asked personal questions about him and why he can’t leave blog comments. I checked several times and it’s not only set to allow for anonymous comments, but I turned the modifier off too, so comments should post immediately.

He got a kick out of the dream I had where I was bike riding with a topless Shelley. I’m not surprised, LOL.

Unless the troll simply skipped out on nosing into my blog today, it looks like I did apply the block successfully. :)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2011 “25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Today we have Obama, no cash and no hope.”

LOL

Someone sent me a link on my diary and my first thought was that it was just someone trying to sell me something. But instead, it was a beautiful song and video about faith.

It got me thinking about that horrifying moment when Tom returned from the mail place and the grocery store and said, “You were right, no more Unemployment checks.” That gut-wrenching moment when my heart seemed to drop to the pit of my stomach and then me saying: You’ve filled out every goddamn application you could just to get nowhere these last 6 months! It’s the middle of the month and we haven’t a penny toward the rent. What are the odds of you getting a job in just two weeks?!”

And then by some miracle, he got a job, the doll we thought would sell for $150 sold for $435, a friend I haven’t seen since I was 11 cared to do more than just read about my situation and sent us some money even though I didn’t ask for a dime because I did not think we would survive anyway.

I still don’t know what saved us, but the timing was so amazingly miraculous that I find it hard to believe it was “coincidental.” I just wish I didn’t have to live in the fear of the shit hitting the fan for the zillionth time so I could fully enjoy the good times we’re presently experiencing. I’m not ungrateful and it’s not like I’m not enjoying them or that I could ever take times like this for granted. But the pattern is there. We’ve only had a few short bursts of smoother sailing since coming to Cali. Usually for just a few weeks with one of those bursts lasting for 6 months. So knowing we’ve been down much more than we’ve been up, it’s really hard not to fear that evil doesn’t silently lurk in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce yet again.

Will there be any miracle to save us next time?

For a while, I had no will to live. Then I thought I had no choice in the matter anyhow. But once I saw the first faint glimmer of hope I fought to live and to basically help get our lives back.

I run 3 miles most days of the week. I work my arms for 20 minutes and then my abs for an additional 10 minutes. I get pissed as easily as I don’t get scared. Despite some flab still hanging on, your average man and woman could not take me. looks toward the devil lurking in the shadows Wanna try me again MF?

Later…

I reactivated Formspring, though I admit I did it more because I’m curious to see if Andy contacts me than for any other reason. I like how you can now add pics to questions/answers. I probably shouldn’t bother, though, since he’s probably just going to piss me off again sooner or later.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2011 Tom’s job is still going well, I’m still busy working online, and we’re nearly at $700 in eBay sales. :) Sydney sold yesterday for $68 and will be going down to SoCal, Emme has two bids, and Tyler just got her first bid. I could do this every day! But sooner or later we will run out of things to sell or have to put them on hold till we can get more boxes. But we’re making enough now that we can spend money on boxes if we can’t find any for free. Can’t wait to list the Barbie lot and Tonner fashions this weekend, though. Not sure if we’ll list any more Tonner dolls just yet.

I love Tom and he’s a helluva great guy who’s more than ideal, but as with myself and everyone else on the planet, he’s not perfect. I sometimes wish he had more of a sense of humor and was more passionate, but I think that’s just part of his shy nature. Having a sense of humor and being more passionate are traits that tend to go more with aggressive types and those kinds of people can be worse overall in some cases.

I definitely wish he was younger! I’ve always liked older women and a few men. But as we ourselves start to get older we start focusing on the fact that women usually live 5-10 years longer than guys and when your husband’s 8½ years older than you, you wish he could suddenly be 5-10 years younger.

No scary dreams. Not unless you want to call bike riding with a topless Shelley Rome scary, LOL. Her chest looked exactly like a man’s too, only it was hairless. I am a bit worried, however, that we may have a propane leak of some kind around here cuz I swore the smell of propane woke me up and I can smell it in the kitchen somewhat. I really thought we were out because right at the very end when the tank empties out it does put out the smell of propane a bit. But we both showered just fine this morning so we’ll see.

Later…

I don’t get some people. Not only do I not get why someone would read the journal of someone they didn’t like as a person stated in the last post, but why would anyone tell me, “Why don’t you just aim to please? If it makes a friend happy, why not say you’re for or against something they’re for or against, and if they don’t believe or understand you, why not just say you’re only joking or something like that?”

You’ve got to be kidding, right? I was thinking to myself when I read this. Well, maybe I not only wouldn’t be being true to myself but maybe also because I would be lying to them if I conveniently agreed with them and said that I believed green was the best color in the world simply because they think it is. I’m all for making my friends happy in any way I can, but in an honest, reasonable kind of way. So no, I’m not going to tell you your new outfit looks great if I don’t believe it just because it may be what you want to hear, and I’m not going to suddenly come out and say, “Haha, I was just joking about my sleep disorder,” or something like that simply because you don’t get it or you think I’m using it as an excuse to cover for some deep dark truth I’m afraid to fess up to.

Hope that explanation is helpful to those who don’t “get” that I just don’t get them at times either. :)

People have been asking me to reactivate Formspring, but I don’t think I’d have any use for it. That site was making more and more changes faster than I could get used to them and causing things to be so damn glitchy. I’ll still think about it. Should I or shouldn’t I? I sometimes miss using the site with Andy. I’d agree to keep my mouth shut about suicide, even if I’m feeling suicidal as hell if he could agree to keep his shut about my sleep thing, but somehow I doubt he would agree to this. We’d probably just fight about something else anyway.

Becky called to let me know she wouldn’t have time to post the VH pics, some of which may include Barb D, one of the 3 evil witches who worked there. I decided to try looking her up since I’ve wanted to give her a piece of my mind for nearly 30 years, but I’m not sure if I found the right one. Coincidentally my search happened to pull up a profile of a woman in MA who has worked at schools (though VH wasn’t mentioned) and whose profile picture looked like it may be her. The age seemed right and the hair did too, but I’m not sure it was the one I was looking for. Becky didn’t think so. She said the nose was wrong and that Barb had an athletic build. Maybe so, but most of us get fat with age and don’t diet/exercise.

As adults, we laugh most insults off, but for her to make the crack, “You’ve got all that fat to keep you warm” was so mean and hurtful when I had one of my fat spells thanks to some of the meds they had me doped up on. I was only 16 at the time and I definitely didn’t need her cruelty adding to my stress. I was also aware of the dual standards that existed at that joke of a “school” and so I said absolutely nothing about it. If only I’d been like I am now back then, but lucky for her I wasn’t because I’d have ultimately gotten her ass fired. I really have to wonder how people like her could work in the mental health field in the first place, let alone with children. Well, we’ll see if I get a reply to the message I sent, but I doubt I will even if it is her.

Why is it I can become familiar to fluent in 8 languages but can’t catch all my story typos even after THREE rounds of editing??? Either way and as I told Aly when she emailed me with a question regarding her own story, I haven’t been writing much at all. I think my mind is still reeling from the events of the past two weeks that I can’t really focus just yet. Less than two weeks ago we had one foot in the grave and now life is just wonderful. It’s a real mind-blower to have gone from wanting to die to believing we’re going to die no matter what to him making more money than we’d get if we were both working minimum-wage jobs. Almost, anyway. He’d have to do some OT. Speaking of that, if he’s still there when it gets even busier, we’ll really be raking in the dough! Cali does OT per day, so just 3 extra hours a week with time and a half is over $100 extra a week. OT is somewhat common there, too. Maybe we can save $500 to a grand a month after all. Unless they hire him on and we decide to go with a bigger, newer adult community rental. That’ll be the tough part; deciding whether or not to stay where it’s smaller and dumpier but cheaper, or go with bigger, newer, but more expensive.

No propane leak to worry about after all, since Tom said he did switch tanks before he left because just like my bloodhound nose thought was the case, the tank really was empty. How the hell did I manage to sleep through his switching tanks, though???

Both dolls have 2 bids, but there are still 3 days to go yet so I don’t expect much more action till the final hour.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2011 I was cleaning up my contacts list when I came across Marilena’s email address and decided to send the bigot a picture of these two lesbians kissing, LOL.

Sydney’s up to $44 with 4 hours left to go. God, I can’t believe that less than two weeks ago we were told our Unemployment checks had stopped and had virtually nothing for the rent since the last two checks of the month were supposed to pay the rent. Now, after trying and trying for months, my husband not only has a job but has had to turn down a job. Oh, and paying the rent will be no problem, yay! I just hope it lasts more than a few weeks to a few months! Even if they don’t hire him on permanently; that’s ok as long as they let him keep working. We’re not stupid. We know most people don’t hire permanent workers these days. Not until the healthcare reform goes through anyway.

Tom says he’s sure Jesse didn’t get another dog because he only saw the two dogs hanging out with him the other day.

I saw that Texas did away with last-meal requests for those on death row since they were fed up with the insane requests some of them would make. This is good, too. Their victims didn’t get to choose their last meal, so why should they? I’m all for an “eye for an eye” versus the “two wrongs don’t make a right” theory. Sometimes two wrongs don’t make a right, but sometimes it does. No sense in paying to house hopeless, hardcore criminals when we can simply get rid of them. I don’t even think we should get rid of them in such a kind way, either. I think we should give them what they gave their victims. If they raped, rape ‘em back, cut their dicks off, and shove them down their throats till they choke to death. If they stabbed, stab ‘em back. If they shot someone, shoot ‘em. If they committed arson and it killed someone, torch the fucker. Every wife-beater should be beaten as well, but I say let the women beat their men and get away with it. Women don’t usually attack men unless they’re attacked first. I can only think of a few women who beat up on guys just for the thrill of it or because they had anger management issues. Usually, when a man gets beaten by a woman it’s because he lashed out at her first.

I was a real cock beater myself in my dreams last night, LOL. I guess I was at the grocery store or something and I was pissed. Just like in reality, when a woman is pissed she knows it’s because of whatever it is that’s pissed her off, but as far as guys are concerned, she must be PMSing. So after this guy makes cracks about women, PMS and God knows what else, the guy said something that apparently really pissed me off and made me snap. I don’t know what the hell he said, but I told him I’d kick the crap out of him if he didn’t shut up. Naturally, he didn’t believe I could and he just laughed. Using the element of surprise to my advantage against the out-of-shape cock, I punched him in the throat as fast and as hard as I could. With him stunned and choking, I then kicked him in the balls. When he doubled over I kicked him in the head, but he just wouldn’t go down. Not until I whacked him real hard behind the knees. Once I got him down I stomped on his head and neck. Gosh, I gotta have killed the poor bastard for sure!

Anyway, speaking of being pissed, I’m getting really sick and tired of hearing about people getting the credit they simply don’t deserve. Especially when it’s for things that never directly affected them. Why are today’s Indians exempt from paying taxes because the government stole land from yesterday’s Indians? Why are blacks given so many breaks today because their ancestors may’ve been slaves? If that’s the case then where’s my compensation for my ancestors that died in the holocaust? Really, the government should concentrate on those concentration camp breaks I ought to get for people who suffered and are no longer even alive if others can get breaks for the same thing. I am just so, so sick of people feeling they have to make others “pay them back” for things that they had absolutely nothing to do with!

Later…

Today I got messages from Maliheh and Christine and I chatted with C.

Maliheh had been busy doing a show with students and is now looking for more students. I had no idea she was doing shows at this time. I thought that was only a Christmas thing. She said now that the show’s over she’ll have more time to write. Yeah, right.

Christine is being run ragged by work and her boyfriend’s kids.

C rocks. :) He’s really cool to chat with. He makes statements just enough to let me know he likes me, but like Mitch, he doesn’t go overboard and come off like a desperate pervert either.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2011 We got sidetracked and ended up so busy throughout most of the weekend that by the time we got around to listing more things, we were pretty burned out. Therefore, we only listed two more dolls. Next week we’ll list Tonner doll clothes, Barbies and whatever else we may get around to listing.

I still can’t believe we got $435 for just one doll!!! She’s on her way to New Jersey. I expected $40 - $50 for Aqua Angelina, but she sold for $60 and is on her way to Milford, MA. Next up in 7 hours is Marley, Tyler’s little sister. She’s currently at $41.

Today I gotta jump on the Tonner site and find out the names of some of the fashions that I can’t remember, then decide how I want to group the Barbies. I’m going to basically be selling most of them in one giant lot, hanging on to just the top favorites for now.

Anyway, Tom will soon be off to work and I gotta get going now with working out, showering, and then get to work as well. :)

Later…

Tom said one of the dogs has taken to howling but I hadn’t heard this until I stepped outside for a few minutes earlier. Howling isn’t annoying to me like barking is, but I wonder (and worry) that he may’ve gotten another dog. Howling is something only puppies usually do, isn’t it? And why would either of the other dogs suddenly take to howling?

Either way, Tom says he thinks we’re out of here next year. That’s what my vibes say but not what my logic says. If we are, though, we’ll only have to deal with someone else’s dogs, not that I still don’t wish we could have a bigger place someday, preferably a real house. I think I’d still like an adult community, too. Ok, so we’d still have to deal with barking and we’d be back with the car stereos again, but the only kids we’d have to deal with would be the ones that visited the neighbors. We’d also never have to worry about ending up next to welfare bums that will trash the place and never let us hear ourselves think. Since when have you ever heard of retirement communities accepting Section 8 freeloaders? On top of all this, we would have cable and regular trash/mail service.

Getting to bigger, better places could very well be just a dream like it has been for a while now, as they could lay my husband off and throw us right back on “death row.” This was the one thing dampening my excitement of being able to see him off to work this morning as opposed to having yet another Monday roll around with us wondering if anyone would call during the week.

I thought it would take me just an hour or two to sort through the Barbies and decide how I want to sell them. Wrong! It took me nearly 6 hours just to make sure they were dressed properly and gather up the extra clothes, shoes and accessories, and then do the write-up. I’ll be doing a lot of 43 Barbies and friends which will get rid of most of them. I’m going to be hanging onto 12 of my favorites for now.

The people in the Northeast really like Tonner dolls! Marley sold for $51 and will be off to New York. We’re currently over $600 in total sales! We hadn’t even had Emme listed for 5 minutes when she got a bid, but Tyler doesn’t have a bid yet.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2011 Yesterday turned out to be an exciting day! The Harry Potter doll sold for a mind-boggling $435! We were both astonished! I gotta wonder why is something being so good to us all of a sudden just like I wondered why it was being so shitty to us for the last 4 years.

Despite being a full-time writer and part-time artificial intelligence worker, I don’t make much, so it’s nice that my old collectibles can contribute something other than dust these days. Then again, this doll isn’t that old. I got Hermione in 2007 right before we left Oregon for $110. I’d say we definitely profited from her!

Unless something comes up, we’ll be listing tons of stuff today, along with the stuff that’s still currently up for grabs.

Guess we’re not done with the temps in the 90s just yet after all. It’s cloudy and cool today in the 70s, but in a couple of days, it will be back in the 90s.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2011 Yesterday was quiet, though I still didn’t do much writing. I didn’t even hear the motorcycle.

We did some grocery shopping this morning and stopped at the mail place. No postcards from Nane yet, but the check from Eileen was there. It was for $150. How generous! She’s still gonna end up being a tremendous help to us because we didn’t exactly budget our food stamps to last, LOL since we thought we wouldn’t make it.

With two hours still left to go, the Harry Potter doll is now just over $200, yay! Plus we have 3 more dolls that should end up going for about $50 a piece, and my 5” wedge sandals are on their way to Illinois right now along with a game I won that’s going down to SoCal.

After we returned home, we ate and then rushed back out to Wells Fargo to open a combination checking and savings account. We don’t do checks or credit cards, but this way we were able to get Eileen’s check cashed without fees and have his work checks deposited there as well. The less we use debit cards, the fewer fees we have to pay each time we use them.

So it’s been a productive day so far but not nearly as fun as in my dreams last night. Yeah, I had the second dream in less than a week of us moving to Florida, this one very detailed!

I was talking about dream premonitions with Christine and she and I both agree that anyone can access this ability, but most don’t for some reason. She also said she thinks men don’t usually remember their dreams and have the kind of detailed dreams women have. Funny she should say that too, because Tom rarely remembers his dreams.

In the dream, we were in the car and we must’ve come from California (though I don’t know that it was from this trailer) because I said to Tom, “Wow, it doesn’t look like California, does it, even though that dead-looking tree over there looks like it could be anywhere.”

He said no, it didn’t look like California, and then the only part that didn’t make sense was him going on about some event he supposedly attended in Idaho, but he’s never really been to Idaho.

Next, I pulled the cell from my purse and found a message waiting from my parents. Dad was saying something about a storm doing something to some trees. Then I called them back but got their voicemail. I told them I just wanted to let them know we made it safely across but that they shouldn’t call back because we only had 8 minutes on the phone at the moment.

I have been analyzing the dream like crazy, though details don’t usually mean much as opposed to the big picture. I didn’t know where Tom would work or how much money he would make; I only knew when he’d be working and not even the exact date. I wish I could have more detailed dream premonitions/visions/vibes and that I could consciously will info to me while awake, but that’s out of my league.

It’s funny because when I’m not thinking about how excited I am for Tom for getting this job, and when I’m not worried about them laying him off before April and sending us right back into the same nightmare we’ve been trying to escape for 4 years now, I’m having fun trying to decipher this dream and whether or not it could mean anything. It’s frustrating but fun. I “feel” the dreams mean something but looking at it from a logical standpoint while wide awake, there’s nothing to say we could ever get to Florida. In fact, there’s nothing to say we could ever escape this goddamn trailer. But if they aren’t truly glimpses into the future then something’s doing a damn good job of making it look like they are. I’ve never had dreams of moving to Florida before last week; just of visiting. And sometimes when I visit I wish I could stay.

If my parents are really still alive when and if we move there, then Tom couldn’t yet be retired. And if this is the case, I wonder if I could be sitting on a big win because if the job ends up being permanent and they want to throw more and more money at him, we’re not going to throw that away. But if the pay stays around what it is, we may not be able to save enough to make the move. We say we’d like to save a grand a month but even $500 may be just a dream. And of course, getting a bigger rental may slow down the savings too, so let’s just hope the damn job becomes permanent so we can eventually figure everything else out. Right now I can say that this Saturday is a stark contrast to last Saturday! I can’t believe we were the same people with seemingly no way to survive and no miracle on the horizon. As the month wore on we both thought I was going to be wrong with the September job dream.

I called my folks for real but their machine was messed up. Hopefully, they got the message anyway.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2011 Although Tom’s sore, he says the place is high-tech and seems like it may be a place that will hire him on permanently. Ah, but that’s what the last place seemed like. At least this place isn’t talking time frames. The last two jobs did specifically say they would be 1-2 weeks, then 2-4 months (although he worked 6). If they do lay him off, though, I’ll know it before he does because my dreams will tell me. I may not dream of exactly what’s going to happen, but I will have certain kinds of nightmares signaling trouble ahead. Yeah, falling in love is ok but falling in my dreams is never a good thing. If we, or anyone we know, falls in my dreams or is in a violent situation, trouble’s coming for that person.

It was so, so nice to be able to wake up actually wanting to face the day and feeling like I have a reason to live instead of wanting to throw the covers over my head, go back to sleep and never wake up. I do, however, still have a lot of anger towards whatever’s up there for allowing so many catastrophes into our lives and for pushing me to the brink of insanity like it did. I also live in the fear that for the millionth time, our world will be turned upside down again. All they have to do is lay him off before April and we’re in the same boat we were in just days ago. That’s a tough thing to have to live with, but each month that they keep him and we see our savings build up – if we can just get to that point – we’ll rest a little easier. We hope to save a grand a month starting in a month or two. We have to get the propane tank filled first.

Our eBay sales are doing both good and bad. The dolls are rocking. With just 4 dolls we’re over $300 in sales. It’s the Beanie Babies that aren’t doing well. We had two lots listed. One didn’t sell and the other sold for practically nothing even though we overcharged on shipping. At least they’re out of the way even if we still have over 200 more to sell.

It is nice to have my worst problem right now be the never-ending site changes that annoy the hell out of me. I’m so sick of the changes on Facebook that I might shut my account down. I’ve learned not to get hooked on too many sites as what I came to like about it in the first place will surely change sooner or later. That’s another reason I don’t miss Formspring. They were making more and more changes which were causing more and more problems. Blogger rarely changes, though.

This should be our last day in the 90s, then from tomorrow through the 2nd, it’s to be in the 80s with a couple of days in the 70s.

Later…

Tom’s up now and says his feet are sore because he’s not used to wearing boots all day and the warehouse was hot, but he likes the job so far. They even made him sign a paper saying he wouldn’t work anywhere else while he was there. Well, he can; he’d just have to get permission. They worry about valuable information being passed along since they deal with very high-tech electronics. There’s security all over the place there.

Since I got all the laundry and house cleaning out of the way, I’m going to work on my story today so long as Jesse doesn’t go ruining the peace. He’s been pretty quiet lately, though. I don’t expect him to get to be a nuisance till the rains start up as that’s when he’s out running around on the bulldozer and using his loud, obnoxious truck to level out his driveway.

Later…

I have to wonder for the zillionth time how the world ended up full of so many hypocrites. Oh, I’m fine right now; it’s a friend I feel bad for. She’s being picked on and teased by someone who’s just as guilty of being what they’re picking on her for.

Let’s see… I’ve been picked on for my weight by those fatter than I’ll ever be. I’ve been made fun of for being poor by those who have also struggled. And I’ve had cracks made about my sleep disorder by someone who has his own sleep disorder even if it’s a different kind that I don’t get, and has been told that “everyone” has a sleep disorder. First of all, not everyone has a sleep disorder. I’ve lived with my husband long enough to be able to say that he sleeps just fine. Secondly, there are different types of sleep disorders and some are certainly more serious than others. It’s like comparing someone who walks with a slight limp to someone in a wheelchair.

Anyway, I don’t know what irks me more – those who are everything they accuse/tease others of being or those who just don’t get it and who haven’t had any experience with something that someone else has and that knows firsthand what it’s like and what’s really going on.

As frustrating as these know-it-alls can be I can sort of relate. No matter how many times people tell me I’m wrong and no matter how many medical articles I may read also saying I’m wrong, I don’t believe in multiple personalities. I say it’s all an act to fit their present mood. If they’re feeling weak and vulnerable, then they pretend to be some wimpy being named whatever. And when they’re in a bitchy mood, out conveniently comes so and so as an excuse for what may be aggressive behavior on their part. The part of the real and only person, that is, whose name is on their birth certificate.

I also acknowledge, however, that I just don’t get it. I’ve never been anyone other than Jodi. Just boring old Jodi. So who am I to judge – right? – even though I do it anyway.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2011 I have some absolutely FANTASTIC news! First, I had stopped doing my daily please-keep-us-happy-and-healthy prayers cuz I got so damn mad at God for letting so many shitty things happen to us for so damn long. I was so, so angry that He could allow for not just such frustration but for what was sheer psychological terror at times. Then for some reason, I started praying like crazy during those desperate moments for him to get the job at the toy store. He did. Then I again prayed like crazy for him to get the job he went on an interview for yesterday. He did! Coincidence? I don’t know. But I do know that just when something was toying with us and pushing us further and further toward the edge of a cliff, something then reached out to save us. Although I am grateful to know we’ll survive despite life’s bad points and the fact that our lives still may never be ideal, I still hope we one day make it to Florida. Yeah, I can’t get that dream off my mind! It left me with one of those “feelings” that only we dream premonitioners understand saying it might’ve meant something. It was raining and we seemed to be near Miami.

Anyway, while he was out on the interview and I was multitasking here at home between eBay, writing, cleaning, and the job site I work at, all I kept thinking about was how the toy store might very well not be enough to save us even with our eBay store, Eileen, and other things we do. It was better than nothing, but probably not enough since it was part-time and shit pay.

Then he came home and I asked how it went before he even got inside. Instead of the usual, “ok” or “I’m not sure,” he said, “It went really well.”

This job involves working in the receiving department of a warehouse in Roseville and involves tasks that many people find too difficult but that he’s had experience with. They just had to let some people go who couldn’t handle it. When he applied online for the job they called him and told him to check his email because they wanted him to take some tests online on how to run some programs which he easily passed. Then they called him in for the face-to-face interview and Tom said the guy said, “We have more people to interview but I just want you to know that I’m really smitten with you.” This was the big boss. The big boss then turned to the little boss and said, “This is just the type of person we need here.”

It was around 10:30 when he returned from the interview and we didn’t expect to hear from anyone until the afternoon. But not even an hour later the phone rang. I nearly choked on the fish stick that was in my mouth. He grabbed the cell and ran outside for better reception. A few minutes later he came in to tell me his background check had been done and he got the job. In an instant tears of joy sprung forth as if they’d been contained by a dam, my half-chewed fish stick still in my mouth.

After we hugged and kissed like crazy, out he rushed for a drug test and new steel-toed boots with me laughing, crying and just totally flying as if I were on drugs. It was hard to believe we were the same people researching death by carbon monoxide poisoning by sealing ourselves up in a room and lighting charcoal, and that received that horrible, gut-wrenching fuck off letter from our lovely government last Saturday. I really thought whatever’s up there had that happen to lead us to our deaths and not because it knew we wouldn’t be needing those Unemployment checks anymore. And good riddance to them, too! Really, it was so like being forced welfare bums, not at all what we want in life.

What’s got us so ballistic with joy this time around is that this is a FULL-TIME job with GREAT pay at $13! This job also holds the most potential to become PERMANENT which would mean eventually having REAL insurance for the first time in nearly a decade!!! Woo-hoo!!! Yes, anything could go wrong between now and April when we’d be eligible for Unemployment once again, but this looks so much more promising not just because of how the interview went but because this is a company that’s still thriving despite the collapse of the economy and always has a steady supply of work. The other places didn’t. The other places also told him up front that it would only be for X amount of weeks or months.

And so last spring’s September job dream I felt was a premonition came true twice over!!! He’ll have to tell the toy store, thanks but no thanks, of course, LOL, and we’ll lose all our food subsidies in a few months. Yes, all of them. LOL, that’s just fine, though.

He wonders why they offered him so much money since he made it clear he’d be willing to work for the $11 stated online, but we’re just so, so thrilled and relieved! I really thought we were dead for sure. I’m still pretty emotional. The things we take for granted can sometimes take on a whole new meaning after we’ve been pushed so far into the dark with seemingly no way out whatsoever. Imagine the gut-wrenching horror of knowing your income has suddenly stopped and you have NO friends and family in the area to run to?!?! I’m no social butterfly who goes to clubs or anything like that and I never intentionally sought out cyber-friends that lived in my area, so I never had reason to have any friends around here. Also, Tom hadn’t worked enough to make friends at work and as we both agree, it’s better to keep friends and work separated anyway. You never know what trouble mixing the two may bring.

Just thinking that the main propane tank is going to be full soon enough is pretty damn emotional enough for me, as funny as it sounds. For too many months to keep track of we’ve had to fill small 5-gallon tanks so we could take showers, unable to afford to fill the main tank that holds 120 gallons. But soon we’ll be stuffing that sucker full as hell! When that incredibly loud propane truck gets here it will be like music to my ears. The whole place practically vibrates when that monster truck is here shooting that tank up, but we shouldn’t need them till next month.

I asked Tom if he thought I’d be right with the September job dream being a premonition. He said he did but was getting a little concerned as the month wore on. Yeah, I was getting a little concerned too, then I got a LOT more than a little concerned come last Saturday, and I really have to wonder how the hell one’s life can change so much so fast! How could we have had what was just about the worst day not just since we’ve been here but since we’ve known each other, to one of the best in less than a week?!?! It’s truly mind-boggling how I had the runs so bad from fear, stress and depression that my gut couldn’t have gotten much flatter if it tried, and now I’m so ecstatic! If we never again go through anything half as scary it’ll be too soon!

I hope to one day be able to go to a sleep clinic and have my sleep disorder officially diagnosed so I can get my disability reinstated. I believe that if you can’t work outside of the house, then you should be entitled to benefits. And while my symptoms are as obvious as a bleeding thumb, I will need it officially diagnosed to get the ball rolling as far as that goes. I know some people don’t get it and perhaps they don’t want to, but some things are just obvious. This kind of disorder (which worsens with age) is simple to diagnose, too. They just test your melatonin levels. That’s what causes this and narcolepsy, an even worse sleep disorder where you spontaneously fall asleep at any given moment, even if you may be driving. Other symptoms aren’t nearly as obvious like why I sometimes get lightheaded. That could be caused by a million different things and I couldn’t even begin to guess at a diagnosis there.

Anyway, sleep disorder or not, I’ll be here working on our sales, the job site, and my writing as none of it requires much of a schedule. And to deal with Jesse having to fix the heater’s blower when we finally stop having temps in the 90s. But these little nuisances seem like nothing after what we just went through. As long as things keep getting better and this state doesn��t try to kill us again, we’ll decide if we want to stay here, get into a rental in an adult community closer to where he works next summer, etc. I’m just glad we get to live to decide! Then again, if they want to eventually throw even more money at him, it just may be worth it to stick around till he retires. Just not in this trailer, although the dream clearly showed us moving from here to Florida.

This place may be too small and old (we’re still gonna sell most of our shit, though) but it sure is cheaper. I’m hoping that while we’re here we can save about a grand a month. I told Eileen to let me know if she changes her mind about the money she sent us. Really, she is a true friend! Not many would care to jump in and help us like that without being asked even if they were rich. Eileen said it was a gift not meant to be paid back, but I told her that if she’d like, we’ll try to make it without cashing that check (and I think we can), and if we do make it, we can send the check back to her.

I would always laugh at those who described life as “short.” It just never seemed that short to me for the most part. But then when you’re so sure you’re about to die, it does seem short. Even though I’ve had many of my online friends for years it just didn’t seem long enough all of a sudden, and the thought of not being around to get Nane’s postcard from Turkey or to write another story really pissed me off.

What’s funny is that they do food subsidy evaluations in 3-month increments. They just evaluated us, gave us a little more, and can’t legally stop them even if you win the lottery the next day until the end of the 3 months. I have to laugh at the thought of knowing that I will be as happy to watch them snatch them away from us as I was horrified to see the government snatch our precious little checks!

His hours will mostly be days, but they do work OT, evenings and weekends at times. One of the few good things about this state is that it does OT per day and not per week. He might even do OT today. I was teasing the hell out of him because usually, we’re opposites in what makes us nervous. Where I was a bundle of nerves over the stopped checks, he was calm, cool and collected, saying things would work out somehow. But now I’m all relieved and he’s nervous about the new job. Even if it’s in a good way I said to him: “Nervous” about the job? LMAO, once again it’s so nice to be able to transfer those nerves back to you! You can have ‘em! Enjoy them. They’re yours to keep; a gift not meant to be paid back. :)))))))))))))))

Relieved or not, I got a ton of stuff to do, so off I go now wondering about that rain that went drip-drop in that Florida dream. :))))))

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2011 Sometimes the dreams we have when we’re awake become nightmares and sometimes the nightmares we have when we’re asleep become a reality. This realization hit me yesterday and it’s so true, too. I even decided it made for a good blog subtitle.

I went back to working out but haven’t been able to focus on my stories. I may not be as stressed out as I was a few days ago but this doesn’t mean I’m in a state of bliss either. I’m still a bit wound up and having trouble concentrating. Just because we appear to be out of the woods doesn’t mean we officially are just yet. The ball has started rolling in good directions, but it hasn’t gotten far enough yet to feel much more relief than what I’ve felt so far. If he were starting a full-time job in a week I’d feel better. But unless the interview he has this morning goes well, he’s starting part-time in what may be two weeks from now.

What scares me the most is knowing that we could easily fall back into the same crisis. In fact, I fear we will keep going round and round in circles till we can get the hell out of here and that this cycle of crises won’t end until we do. Whatever’s been hell-bent on beating us down financially simply won’t let us get ahead. As soon as we start to it yanks the carpet out from under our feet. This is why I fear we’ll never get out of here. If we can’t get ahead for more than 5 minutes, then how can we ever get out of here? I know that if one is destined to be financially cursed, they will be cursed no matter what state they live in, but no state has treated us as badly in that department as Cali has. And if this is meant to go on no matter what, I’d like it to be in a state with a better climate. The weather’s still gorgeous in the 90s, but by the end of the month, that’s it. The cold and the rain will be here. It would have to be really, really worth it in the end for me to suffer a few years in Nebraska. Thank God at least Tom is indifferent to various climates. As we’ve also learned, there are no guarantees that things will go as you plan them. They rarely do. So we could head for Nebraska planning to be trapped in an apartment for just a year, then rent a house for a few more years before heading to Florida, just to end up trapped in an apartment forever there.

Since Tom will be busy working (hopefully more than we think), I will be busy running our eBay auctions and gathering up items for sale. On top of my other online work, that is, and my writing. It’s going to take a long time to get all this stuff sold, so we may as well get started. I will be around to be the one to answer questions and things like that. It’s more work than one might think. Gotta get the pictures taken, do the write-ups, answer questions, pack and address boxes, etc.

“You didn’t tell me about the bidding wars going on,” Tom said when he got up yesterday. I hadn’t thought to check in a few hours, but one of the dolls is over $150 already cuz she’s from the Harry Potter series which is very popular right now. All in all, sales are over $200 now. :) Selling things is fun and it’s neat to see all the different states – and sometimes different countries – our stuff ends up in. The problem is a lack of boxes to ship everything in. I guess we’ll have to buy some which would kind of suck. The point is to make money, not spend it. And as it is eBay helps themselves to fees from our sales.

The more I think about certain events that have happened in my life, the more I think that an outer force is at work that can think and plan and not just some negative/positive cloud of energy with no sense of awareness. Clearly, it’s toying with me, whatever it is, but seems determined enough to keep me alive so it can keep on toying with me. I have no idea if what influences good things in my life is the same being as what influences bad things in my life, but have decided to go back to praying. I couldn’t help but laugh when I thought of Andy and just how thrilled he’d probably be to know that, too. Then again the guy probably wouldn’t believe me, LOL. Either way, the reason for my decision is that while it may be just one big fat coincidence, things do seem to run a little smoother when I pray not for ridiculous things like growing money trees, but for things to be ok and for us to get by. I stopped praying for a while because I was so pissed at whatever’s up there for letting things get so shitty for us despite our efforts to get ahead. But then when things started getting desperate I prayed on and off to please, please let Tom get a job. Well, the toy store isn’t much, but it’s something, and the timing couldn’t be better. Well, it could be, but it’s good enough. He’s been trying for months just to get nowhere and so there was nothing to say he’d get anything right when we needed him to get something and any number of things could still go wrong along the way. Sure hope not, though! I mean on the one hand, I still tell myself we’d be better off dead so as to avoid many more years of shit like this, but then that stubborn survival instinct kicks in and I fight to live.

You don’t realize just how much harder your workout is on a treadmill till you add the incline! I had to slow down, but since faster’s not necessarily better so long as your heart’s pumping, your body’s sweating, and you keep at it for at least 30 minutes, I guess all it can do is just build me more muscle.

Hopefully, I will be able to focus on my writing soon enough as I realize the only way to build up enough volume to generate more sales is to do the work necessary to achieve this goal. So it’s got to be my full-time job since one can only crank out so many books so fast.

The company Tom hopes to work for is based in the Netherlands. It’s funny because he first thought Germany and then Norway and I have friends in all these countries. It seems I have friends in most countries these days except for the Middle East and Africa. That’s another thing Andy would be proud of me for – my geography knowledge has improved tenfold. In the past, I was lucky if I could figure out where my neighboring town was let alone where most other countries were as I simply didn’t care. But “meeting” people in other countries has changed that.

I like how Norway is liberal and big on freedom of speech, but the climate would surely kill me, LOL. Curious to hear what a Norwegian accent sounded like, I jumped on YouTube and listened to someone speaking English with a Norwegian accent. Then I checked out some instructional videos on Norwegian numbers, months and the days of the week, along with simple phrases and things like that. It’s not the prettiest language, but I see a lot of similarities to German. It also seems like it’s not a gender language which is all I’ve ever learned, except for English and SL, of course. Maybe I’ll be stupid enough to learn some at some point as if I don’t already have enough languages to study. :) I can say almost anything I want in Spanish, and I can almost say almost anything I want in Italian, but still need to boost my German vocabulary.

He also attached a pic of himself from the ’90s and a recent one. The ‘90s one looked ok and his hair was long then, too. The recent one isn’t that impressive. His nose is slightly crooked, he looks a little older than 37, and I don’t like the buzz cut either.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2011 OMG, Tom got the job at Toys R Us!!! The dream WAS a premonition! It’s only part-time at minimum wage and he may not actually start till around the first of October, but that and our eBay sales should be enough to save us till he gets something better. And he does have some better possibilities in the works. :)

I also had a dream in early August that suggested he would be working evenings on New Year’s Eve. Well, this job would probably mostly be weekends and evenings, but when he works is the least of our concerns right now. He’s willing to work any and all hours.

Do I dare even think about that dream I had where we moved straight from here to Florida? I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t get it off my mind! I still don’t know why or how I have dream premonitions or even how I know certain dreams may be telling me something in the first place. I guess it’s just a feeling one has that only one who has dream premonitions can understand. The reoccurring dreams or dreams that leave you with that “feeling” are the ones to pay attention to. At least that’s the way it’s been for me. When your “logic” loses the argument with that so-called other side of you, that’s when you know something’s up. So while my logic is saying the Florida dream was just a reflection of pure wishful thinking, my other side is arguing back with a big old fat, “Bullshit it was!”

What was really freaky yet neat was that just about 2 or 3 days before I went Florida dreamin’ I said to myself, “I wish something could send me a message in my dreams and that I could “see” where we’re headed to next.”

I just wish that win dream had meant something! Yet I haven’t won much and if I don’t win something good by the time my sweeps subscription expires on the 28th, I will give up sweeping for a while. Influencer or not, the economy is still shot to hell.

Anyway, I’m not going to post those sad, scary private entries I wrote on the 17th and 18th just yet, but I will say that just like last September, I cried tears of relief for hours even though this could be just a temporary fix if something else bigger and better doesn’t come along. There’s no doubt about it – something’s toying with us. Really, California keeps trying to kill us and if we don’t figure out a way out of this cursed state it just may eventually succeed! Where this state may be the answer to some people’s life situations and dreams, it’s been nothing but a total curse for us.

It makes sense now, as to why I didn’t have nightmares like crazy the day before Tom got our little “fuck off” letter from the government; because a job was right around the corner. Talk about perfect timing! It also explains why I was in a good mood all last night. I kept asking myself, “Why are you in a good mood? Nothing’s happened yet. You have no reason to be in a good mood.”

So after beating myself up the night before for stressing my ass off, I decided to just enjoy the good mood while it lasted. It was better than stress, after all. I still wonder, though; did my psychic side know deep down that we’d be ok? And will we really be ok for sure??? Really, I’m getting sick and tired of being teased with our survival! I don’t know how many more of these scares I can take.

This latest crisis has been a total wake-up call for us. One saying, “Don’t just talk about getting rid of your shit, do it!”

Well, we can sell/dump our stuff, and we are, but the biggest question is how the hell to come up with the 10-15 grand it’d take to safely get us outa here. I just hope we get to that point where we can have to figure that out! Yes, we lost our home in Arizona and yes we lost our land in Oregon, but we have never had such intense financial problems and scares since coming to this damn state. I just want to get the hell out like yesterday and I want to never step foot in it again when we do! Bad things can and do happen to us anywhere, but Cali really takes the cake where we’re concerned.

Before yesterday all I could think about was how so many people say that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Well, the streets would have been beyond more than I could ever handle! Yet after being pushed a little further into the dark than we were in ’07, it’s almost like something’s looking out for us as much as it loves to “punish” us. Yes, in a twisted sort of way, something helped save us. This was/is literally like falling and then having someone throw out a safety net just seconds before you hit the ground. I just hope it’s enough and that we don’t keep on reentering the same damn nightmare and eventually the one we can never wake up from.

For now, it is nice to go back to being able to bitch about those little things in life – cleaning, dieting, barking, etc. These things are once again a clear reminder that things can get a lot worse in life. A lot worse. Remember that the next time you get a flat tire or you realize you’ve run out of feminine supplies when your period starts.

Tonight I’m going to run a mile or two, work my arms for about 10 minutes, then my abs which are amazingly flat for one my age thanks to all the runs and loss of appetite, for about 5 minutes. After that, I’ll bitch about how much I hate to clean the kitchen while I’m actually doing it, then maybe – just maybe – I’ll work on my stories.

Later…

That’s interesting. Andy not only read my latest entry but he attempted to leave a comment. Only I’m not allowing them right now. I can’t help but wonder why he cares. Why would he even bother reading it or leaving comments? And just what would he have said? Something nasty? Something nice? Would he have identified himself, assuming I don’t know he still checks out my blog?

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2011 I just ate a yogurt thinking it might perk me up a bit and give me some energy. Instead, I felt like I was going to puke, so I took a Tums. Oh, and I just had my fourth bout of the runs. Tom’s gonna pick me up some anti-run stuff tomorrow. And this is the chicken shit wimp that God thinks could handle the streets? He knows I can’t, though, and won’t even attempt to try. That’s no life for Tom and I. But that’s the whole idea; God wanted to give us something He knew damn well we couldn’t handle so it would drive us to suicide. It all makes sense except for the part about why. Why did He hate us so damn much? I always knew He did, but not even I thought He hated us this much. I knew He got off on teasing us with our survival, but this literally putting that survival on the line and walking us into a sure dead-end is totally new. There is simply no one that can help us. Everyone we know is either broke themselves or wouldn’t help us even if they could. And not many people could afford to pay our $825 rent. My sister said to let her know if we needed help but she’s broke and on disability and so I think paying our expenses for half a year would be a bit over her head. I don’t know that even my parents could afford it. I doubt it. Even if they could, what kind of a life would we have? As I’ve already been over a million times, a lifetime of struggling in tiny old rentals would be all we’d have to look forward to in life. Not much fun by most people’s standards and neither would the streets have been any fun till they killed us. So PLEASE, PLEASE remember that if you feel sad and like crying for us. Yes, those of you who are my closest friends and family will hurt for a while but think of how WE would have hurt and how badly WE would have suffered on the streets. It’s important you remember this! It’s ok to be sad or to be angry at God and the government, but as they say, shit happens. And life isn’t fair. We were just one of those who got an extra dose of God’s hatred and the government’s abuse. Life was beyond unfair for us. Had we been lazy drunks or druggies, then a life as bums would be exactly what we deserved. Instead, we got all the wrong results for all the right actions. Now dry your tears and move on.

I wanted to live and be happy, but that wasn’t an option. I also don’t expect anyone to get it that hasn’t been faced with homelessness and hopelessness like we are. I still can’t get Tom’s words outa my head as soon as he came back from the mail place.

“You were right, no more Unemployment checks.”

And then I slept horribly. No sooner would I drift off to sleep when those direct, to-the-point words of doom would wake me up.

“You were right, no more Unemployment checks.”

Random thoughts go through my mind as I write this. And pointless ones. Like who will discover us and who will contact my family? I mean Jesse will discover us, of course, but who will break the bad news to my folks? I just hope they understand why we had to go! First God didn’t want us to have a nice place to live, now He doesn’t want us to have any place to live.

It’s scary knowing you’re going to die even though you want to because you know you couldn’t survive the streets. Yet Tom is handling it so well and so calmly.

Later…

Took a nap for a few hours. I actually slept more soundly than I did yesterday morning when Tom came back with the latest blow to our sorry existence and informed us that yes, our lovely government really can and does let tons of people starve on the streets. We’re just not as important as those foreigners, some of whom like to attack us.

Wish I could sleep the rest of the days away. Sleep is my only escape for when I’m awake my mind simply tortures the hell out of me. I tell myself not to worry and that we won’t suffer any more than we have in the past and will lose consciousness within an hour. Then there won’t be anything and I’ll sink into a big black hole of nothing because the brain, which we need to think, feel, sense or have any awareness at all, will be wonderfully dead.

Yet I still tremble with fear.

I was looking at our wedding pictures and sadly shaking my head. Who’d have known that 19 years later we might be killing ourselves together? starts crying It’s just really fucked up that we came to Cali to better our lives just to be planning on dying. How ironic that the state I grew up dreaming about living in is about to kill us.

Later…

I had been writing privately offline, not wanting to alarm anyone over my situation, but then I decided I guess I could talk a little more about what’s going on since we’re either going to sink or swim at this point. I may still post some of those private entries at a later date.

It happened last Saturday. Tom was out getting groceries and picking up the mail. I was home alone and it was toward the end of my day. I was going to crash shortly after he got back. When he didn’t get the Unemployment forms he would fill out and submit every other Sunday, we knew something was up. We just didn’t think it would get this extreme. Really, not even I thought anything up there hated us this much. But still, I had a bad feeling and had been saying to Tom that I feared we were doomed and may be going out of here in body bags instead of all psyched to get to Florida or even to cold, snowy Nebraska which I would hate but that would have more job opportunities.

And then Tom came home. I started throwing things in the freezer and then he said, “You were right, no more Unemployment.”

Yeah, you read this correctly. It turns out we’re not qualified for the next extension. The one from October to April. I stood there stunned and sick to my stomach to think that our fucking government could readily hand over billions of dollars to other countries but not give a damn about its own. Yes, our government really is that heartless to have absolutely NO problem with letting so many people just starve off in the streets. I was angry, sad and terrified and I had the runs and damn near puked my guts out. I couldn’t sleep for more than a few minutes at a time before the stress and fear would wake me up and Tom’s words of impending doom. I thought for sure we were dead since the streets are simply NO option for us. We all have our limits and that would certainly be one of mine. So now it’s in the hands of fate. We either kill ourselves to avoid a slow miserable death on the streets if no one gives him a job before the last of our money runs out, or we end up saved by a job along with the much-appreciated but unexpected help from Eileen and our eBay sales. We have a chance to be “saved” tomorrow at 4pm when Tom goes for a group interview at Toys R Us. This would just be a part-time seasonal job throughout the holidays, but it would be enough to save us if we’re meant to live.

Do I want to live? Well, yes and no. There is both good and bad to life and living. There are enough things I would no longer have to be burdened by if I were dead and no longer had to deal with them. But I would miss my friends and family and doing the things I love to do with writing in this journal being one of them.

Alison, Maliheh and the diary guy have offered words of encouragement which I so do appreciate. Really, they put a smile on my face and made me wish I could reach through my monitor and hug them all. But we’re not officially out of the woods yet and there are no guarantees we ever will be. We’ve got about 2-6 weeks to find out.

Meanwhile, I had mixed emotions in learning Eileen was sending us something. I appreciate the hell out of her for it, but I probably wouldn’t have mentioned our situation if I’d known she was gonna jump in like that and help (she’s so sweet) because I don’t know that it would be enough to save us and it may take forever to pay her back if it does. She suggested applying for welfare, but that would be worthless because California’s so fucked up that all they do is give you $100 a month for a shelter. We already checked this out. They may as well give you nothing at all. All we can get is food subsidies. The West doesn’t have real welfare like the East does. We made a huge mistake in coming to this damn state, that’s for sure. And how the hell did what was once such a peaceful little sanctuary come to be such a prison to me?

When Tom broke the horrible news to me I was so sure that whatever was up there had what happened to us in 2007 happen as a preparation of sorts and then made sure the money stopped as a means of backing us into a corner and ultimately on the path to our deaths, since we agreed to go together. Hell, I even picked out what I wanted to wear to die in. wipes tears from eyes But then Tom said that maybe I was interpreting it wrong. Maybe this happened to help push us faster and harder to get rid of our shit so we can maybe get the hell out of here after the holiday season, assuming he can get a job before the money runs out. After all, we did agree that we’re not only sick of most of this useless shit we have that’s just sitting around hogging up space, but if we do live to make it out of here, we’re not going to do the U-haul thing and the storage thing like last time. I’ve become the lowest-maintenance woman out there, too! All I care about is my clothes and computer. That’s all I need besides food and shelter, and of course a toothbrush is nice. Yeah, I’d be so many guy’s dream girl, LOL. If we ever do manage to bust on outa here we’re just gonna sell/dump almost everything but the bare essentials and split in just the car. We could do that now, actually, but we would have no way to live until he got a job and us into a place in whatever state we moved to.

The only way out of this mess is a job or me winning thousands of dollars. I wish I could believe that September job dream I had last spring really meant something, and the dream I recently had about us moving to Florida, but my good dreams simply don’t have a way of coming true like my bad dreams. It’s true, though, that I didn’t have nightmares galore the night before Tom got the letter about our latest blow making things about as bad as they could get. In some ways, we’re in a worse situation than we were a few years ago. Being in a trailer is better than a motel, but even though we couldn’t access our money for a couple of weeks we still had income coming in. Now we have nothing other than what we may get from Eileen and sales.

The Tonners are doing really well now for some reason. They weren’t doing well at all a year ago. Barbies are also doing better, but the Beanie Babies may not sell. They’re giving away 50 free listings, so we’re listing an item a day.

Anyway, I don’t know if not having nightmares before receiving the letter of doom is a good thing or not. It’s kind of odd since I do tend to have nightmares right before something really bad happens. But the last bad dreams I had pertaining to money were months ago. I’m still so afraid to get my hopes up! I’ve seen Tom go on enough interviews just to not get the job.

I’ve lost 5 pounds just from stress and a loss of appetite. My stomach’s pretty damn flat for a 45-year-old.

I was up most of last night and I wondered how the hell Tom could sleep. How could he be so calm and so “ok” throughout this shit? I asked him and he said, “Because nothing’s happening today.”

I wish I could make myself have that attitude and that I wasn’t afraid to die! If I could know we’d die quickly and painlessly and that the afterlife wouldn’t be any worse, I probably would give up and die. But I can’t know this and that’s what makes it hard to simply “accept” things and throw in the towel. I know I can’t escape death forever and that I have to go through it someday, but no matter how shitty things get it’s not that easy. Still, I may be left with no choice in the end because it would certainly be my choice as opposed to dying on the streets. There’s just no way I could survive out there, and I’d rather go at home in my own bed than in some alley or something.

For now, I’ve got some things on hold till we find out if we’re going to make it – my story writing, working out, etc. I haven’t even been doing any cleaning. If I’m really on death row the last thing I want to do is spend my final days cleaning.

Back to the acceptance thing – that’s my problem. I’m a stubborn bitch with a temper. I admit it. I don’t just “accept” bad things. You either love my fire as Marie used to say or you hate it. I may get sad and scared, but ultimately I get pissed and stubborn and I put up a fight. If I could just “accept” bad things even though I know they happen anyway, then I could simply accept it if someone slugged me, for example. But no, anyone who knows me knows that despite how small I am I’d kill them. Or I’d at least try to. I may not be the dumbest person alive and I may be pretty fit physically, but emotionally I’m quite a wimp. I panic and fly off the deep end and while I may appear to be taking the shit life throws at me well enough, inside I’m kicking and screaming like a 2-year-old.

Oh, and I got a kick out of how Alison said, “The Jodi I know wouldn’t give up. Come to Omaha. We could use more intelligent people.”

Well, I don’t know that I like the idea of an apartment in such a cold, snowy place or that our lives would be any better there since after all, we thought our lives would be better here. But still, if it were a matter of snapping my fingers and being there with a means of surviving till he found work, I don’t think I’d hesitate at this point. I just want to get the hell out of pesky Jesse’s trailer and out of California! So we’re gonna fight. We just may not win in the end.

Whatever happens, thanks to those who offered kind words of support. I’m still surprised though flattered for some reason that the diary guy read one of my posts. :) LOL, I really didn’t expect that.

Anyway, I slept better last time around and for some reason, I’m not nearly as stressed as you would think I still should be. After all, all he has is an interview on the horizon. Not a job that we know of.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2011 Things are now just about as bad as they can get and unless he gets a call for a job that pays big bucks or I win thousands of dollars over the next couple of weeks, we’ve officially reached the point of no return. Tom explained it to me in detail but I was too damn freaked out at the time to get it, so I’ll just spit it out in blunt English. We aren’t eligible for any more Unemployment benefits till next April. That means no income, no place to live, no food to eat, no life. We could probably continue getting a little in food subsidies but that’s about it. No point in feeding us if we don’t have a place to live. Once again, only the bad dreams are the ones that ALWAYS come true.

So I was right to have these feelings for the last few years of impending doom. Feelings that said we’d never get out of here and would probably be going out in body bags. I kept telling Tom, “Something up there really wants to make bums out of us!” And I don’t mean by living in bummy old rentals. I mean a pair of true, genuine street bums. I could sit here and try to delude myself by telling myself that God has a reason for everything and He does what’s best for us and what’s right for us. But anyone who knows us even slightly would know that there’s nothing “right” about us being tossed on the streets simply for being two people who always try to be good people and who just wanted to make a life for themselves. Nothing extravagant; just a normal, decent life.

It goes to prove that saying that God helps those who try to help themselves is bullshit, right along with the saying that He doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Well, even if I wanted to and was all for it, the streets are something I could never handle. We all have our limits, being a street bum with zero income is definitely one of mine.

I was also right to fear that what happened to us in 2007 was actually a preparation for these upcoming weeks. We weren’t granted a reprieve after God sat back and watched us be tortured with our survival till my parents jumped in to pull us from the quicksand, we were just granted a delay. Just an extension. Whatever’s up there obviously knew this day would come and that I would need “practice” and “preparation” to actually get up the nerve to kill myself, not that this still isn’t a scary thought. It had it in for us all along. It deliberately led us down the wrong paths in life or at least helped guide us down the wrong ones, and it knew, for reasons we may never know, that it was just a matter of time before it reeled us in on that leash it’s had us on for the last few years. It’s been coming for us. And now it’s time to collect. But why this way and under these circumstances? It makes sense that we don’t live to get old since we’d never have had anyone to help us, but why not have us shot in a robbery or get in a car accident? I prefer death by carbon monoxide poisoning, but still, it makes me wonder just what it has in mind and it convinces me all the more that it wasn’t just a “negative cloud of energy” we fell under but something that can think and plan. Stepping back and looking at my life as a whole, it makes much more sense that something with some kind of conscious and planning ability is at work here. The question is, what’s it going to do to us when it gets us over to the other side? Make us suffer in the afterlife even more than we would have slowly starving off on the streets while we shivered with cold or passed out in the heat? Or is it simply thinking that we’ve had enough shit and now it’s time to move on to something much better?

I was talking to Tom about how I fear the dying process and what may lie beyond, but he says it’s nothing to worry about and that it’d be totally different than here if there is an afterlife. I wish I could believe there’s absolutely nothing after death and maybe there isn’t, but to me, it seems likely that if some outer source can think, plan and influence our lives in this life, why not afterward, too? I know whatever’s up there, be it a God or something else, made sure our income would stop so abruptly because it knew we would kill ourselves because we couldn’t handle the streets. Even if we could – no thanks! I’m totally ready to go now. Scared, but ready.

As it is I’ve had the stress-runs and slight nausea and a racy heart. We got all this wonderful food (no sense in dieting or running just to die in a couple of weeks), but I have no appetite since I’m rather distraught. Tom feels I’ll get my appetite back and that my nerves will settle down as I “come to grips” with things. But how does one come to grips with the fact that their fucking government is about to help kill them? How does one accept and come to terms with knowing they have no problem sending off billions of dollars to other countries, including terrorists, but they won’t take care of their own??? Sorry, but even though the thought of growing old and dealing with the crap the elderly go through is unnerving to me, I will never be “ok” with the fact that my husband and I have been cheated out of life and life’s basic necessities. Our only dream was to have a modest income in a modest house with a modest life. WHY THE FUCK WAS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!?!?!?!

There are things we could do to pay half of next month’s rent and delay our “execution” till around October 15th, but why delay the inevitable? Our time’s up and it’s obvious enough that there’s no way around it. I just don’t see any miracle coming to save us.

God, I’ll miss my Nane! I’m trying not to think of her and how much I loved swapping messages with her or else I’ll just crack up in tears. I’ll miss my friends and family and hobbies like my blog and things like that. It saddens me to know I’ll never write another story again and that my rat will soon be dead along with us because we don’t want to turn him loose for predators to get him. We also don’t want to trust that someone will care enough to take care of him. Hey, he’s a rat after all, and despite how smart, friendly and loving he is, not many people give a shit about rats.

So I try to keep in mind the fact that for every one good thing we had going for us, we had a dozen atrocities. There really is so much more bad in life than good, especially in our case. So no, I’ll never write another story again, but I’ll never have to clean the bathroom again either. It’s sad that I won’t get to look forward to many more years with Nane a part of my life and other friends like Alison, Kim, Eileen and Christine, but I’ll never have to worry about getting cancer, shittier vision or anything else like that.

If this had to happen, and obviously it was part of the “plan” like I said before, this really is the best time of year and month. I don’t have to deal with another winter even if it doesn’t usually get much under 30º here and gets just 1 or 2 dustings of snow a year. We also won’t have to pay rent ever again, not that we could pay more than a couple of weeks, and I won’t live to have to get another period.

Even though there’s no point other than to share my thoughts and feelings with people after I’m gone, I’m glad I finally mustered up enough energy to vent here in print.

If the bastard above had just let us have normal neighbors back in the 90s in Phoenix, we might have stayed there even if the house wasn’t that great. That house would have been all paid for years ago. But no. Instead He had to send us a pack of freeloading animals to drive us out of there and then He had to go and guide us in all the wrong directions, and yes, I do blame God for what’s happening to my husband and I. If you want to go and kid yourself into thinking He’s a good guy – fine – go ahead. And maybe for you, He is. After all, some people seem to have it all even if they don’t deserve a fraction of what they’ve got. Either way, I will die dirt poor and hated by God, but I will not die unloved and friendless.

I thought of running to these friends and asking maybe Aly, Eileen or Tammy if we could stay with them till he got a job while I worked online and then into a place of our own, but what good would that do? That would only be putting them out and we’d still be miserable. Nothing would change for us. Meaning, we’d still be just as cursed and God would still see to it that life shit on us in every way possible.

I started doing more research on death by carbon monoxide poisoning. Well, a lot of people must think it’s a good way to go because CM suicides are up lately where you seal yourself in a room and use grilling charcoal. I’m a little disturbed by the conflicting reports on its effects on humans but am determined not to let it stop me. Sure, headaches, stomach pains, and convulsions scare me, but I’d rather a few minutes to a few hours of misery than another 30-40 years of it or to die slowly over a few weeks on the streets. I see it like I see getting my tooth pulled. Yeah, it was a rough procedure last time around, and it was a slow and painful recovery. But the end results were well worth it. Other teeth can still torment me but that one never ever can again. Still, most reports describe it as the “silent killer” that doesn’t cause pain. That family that died in their camper is a prime example of that. The camper’s heater broke, so they brought in their little charcoal grill. It warmed them up and put them right to sleep and then they never woke up. Either way, unless you die in your sleep, never knowing you were going to, I don’t think there really is a “pleasant” way to die. And there’s also no avoiding death forever. We can just choose to face it before things get any worse for us as I don’t think I’d make a very good street bum. I also don’t think I deserve to have to give it a shot either. But if we don’t get our Unemployment benefits or a job it’s either that or death. I’m ready to die even if we could continue breaking even. Like I said before, just barely getting by in this dump for the rest of our lives isn’t good enough.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2011 I am so freaking bored outa my mind just sitting around and waiting for the end. I’m not going to bother working on stories I won’t live to finish, I’m not going to enter to win sweeps I seem to have stopped winning even while alive, and it seems I have shit for energy. I didn’t work out and just writing these words takes effort when all I want to do is lay in bed. I guess after I spew some more of my woes here I’ll go listen to music or find a movie to watch.

It sucks that I missed Nane. :( She was looking to chat with me while packing for her trip and before going to bed, but I was in bed myself. She messaged me a few hours before I got up – fucking schedule curse! The thought was very sweet of her. I appreciate how much she’s come to care for me. Boy, did I get that woman wrong. All wrong. I really thought she didn’t give a damn, especially since meeting “Jim.” But despite the fact that I probably dig her a little more than she digs me and don’t know as much about her as I’d like to, we’ve grown a lot closer. Again, I could easily see us getting together if we were single and local. It may not have lasted forever and we may’ve been more compatible in bed than out of it, but I can still see it. So many beauties are selfish, stuck-up and heartless. But not Nane. Nane is a very sweet, kind and compassionate person who really seems to care how I feel. Every day I hope to be able to run to her with good news, but that good news never comes. Like I said, I can still see us in my mind.

Maybe I’ll get some of the things I “see” in the next life if there is one, cuz I sure as hell ain’t getting them here. Every now and then life used to surprise me by sending at least a few of the things we wanted our way, even if they would end up coming in the form of a half-assed or twisted sort of way. Like how I made my California dream a reality. I got California. I just got a whole bunch of bullshit along with it that I didn’t ask for. I’m not exactly the epitome of wealth and happiness frolicking along the sandy beaches of the Pacific, not that I ever expected to have it all. But as I was telling Nane, a life of Unemployment and then retirement in this tiny old trailer is NOT acceptable to us. It simply isn’t. Stepping back and looking at the big picture, as well as the zillions of little things in between, is making me more eager and less afraid to die. When I say “big picture” that’s the years and years of struggling to get nowhere in someone else’s old dump. The “little things” are like my teeth, for example. Sooner or later I’m going to need more pulled. What am I going to do when I have no teeth left to eat with and don’t have the money for dentures? I can’t expect my parents to always be around to come to my rescue. My bed is still giving me backaches (I guess because it’s uneven and doesn’t provide enough support), but where the hell would we ever get the money for a new bed??? Oh, I could go on and on with those “little things,” alright. My vision which seems to be getting worse by the minute and the struggle to keep weight off. I may be very fit and I may not be that fat, but it’s sooo much work to stay this way!

I feel so empty inside and I see such a bleak future ahead. Nothing excites me anymore and what might excite me is impossible to achieve or experience in the first place.

Some people work for over 30 years and get to reap the benefits of their hard work. And they SHOULD! But some people, like my husband, don’t get shit for their efforts. Why wasn’t my husband ever given what he so richly deserves for HIS share of over 30 years of hard work?!?! Hell, even those with their own business seem to struggle despite how hard they too work. They have to collect food subsidies and other things along the way just to get by. A home business is better than a forced career of Unemployment, but it just goes to show how twisted things can be and how much life truly does suck for the most part and is so unfair.

Tom has filled out every application he can possibly fill out. I have entered all the sweeps I’m eligible to enter. Yet nothing ever changes! Nothing. When Tom inquires in person about a job, something Andy was so big on him doing, he gets told to go home and apply online. Everything is done online these days. It’s just a matter of time before we’re somehow peeing online. :(

If we were still in our 20s or 30s I might have hope for us. But not in our 40s and 50s. When you get to be this age, the only real way to financial security is to win a ton of money or sue someone silly. What is the likelihood of that???

I don’t think it’s just the realization of us being forever destined to struggle no matter how much we try to help ourselves and change things that has got me down. It’s also the lack of opportunities that will be forever unavailable to us that gets to me. I may hate to travel for the most part. But what if I someday wanted to? What if I ever wanted to visit the South Pacific or someplace warm during the winter? What if I wanted to go see Maliheh? What if I wanted to go see Nane? And how about Christine? I don’t mention Christine much here but she is still one of my top friends that is very special to me. So is Alison. But seeing these people would never be an option is my point. So many things are simply out of the question for us and I don’t want to continue living without living, so to speak. I feel like I’m really missing out on life in so many ways despite the few good things I do have going for me.

I smiled, happy for Nane when I read how excited she was to go on her upcoming trip. But then I felt a bit bummed out for myself and realized I envied her in some ways. I wish I had something to be excited about too, and to really look forward to in life, but I just don’t. Just struggling in bummy old rentals and growing old with no one to help us would be all we’d have to look forward to if we lived. Like I said before, the thought of growing old has always scared me. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I knew I would be surrounded by friends and family who cared, but unlike Tom’s spoiled, selfish and pampered mother – you know, the one that decided she didn’t want to be a mother anymore when her son moved too far away to use at his own expense and then had the nerve to ask for help when he hit hard times – had a daughter to run to when she could no longer live alone. And if it hadn’t been for that daughter she still would have had numerous others to go to. Who would we have? Really, I don’t want to wake up one day, look in the mirror and see an 80-year-old woman staring back at me. Dying at 45 is young enough to skip out on the shit that goes with getting old, but still old enough to have had enough experiences in life, even if I didn’t get to do all I wanted to do. Most of us don’t anyway, but I would still rather go now with my husband, than struggle another 30-40 years and have to go alone. For now, Tom may have diabetes and a hernia, but I’m still healthy as far as I know.

The thought of actually dying and what may lie beyond has always terrified me, and in some ways it still does. But things have gotten so hopeless at this point thus giving me the courage to end it all. I can’t avoid death forever anyway, can I? So at this point, it doesn’t matter who will call us cowards in the end. It doesn’t matter who will say that had we just hung on things would’ve gotten better. We “hung on” for 4 years and counting now but they never did get better. It doesn’t matter who doesn’t believe my sleep disorder and says I’m “giving in” to it. It doesn’t matter who thinks we didn’t try hard enough. It doesn’t matter who defends my past perps or makes excuses for their behavior. It doesn’t matter if others may be in the same boat. It doesn’t matter who thinks we gave up on life when in fact life gave up on us. All that matters at this point is that we end this never-ending cycle of bullshit and misery. No more being the victim of circumstances or any evil entity, powerless to change anything or make a difference in our lives. My first choice would have been to be in the driver’s seat of our own lives, but that isn’t possible. We would never get ahead if we lived and if we did it would only be for a few weeks. Maybe a few months if we were really lucky. Therefore, I choose the next best thing and not existing is what I feel is the next best thing and better than existing like this for another 4 years, and then another, and another, and another…

I think of Nane; good old lucky Nane, and I wonder how the hell she got lucky enough to get what she deserves in life. Her life may not have always been a bowl of cherries, but the woman seems to have it all – a good family, someone who loves her, what’s probably a perfectly normal sex life, a good job, great money, etc. I have someone who loves me too, and that’s certainly better than nothing, but what else do I have? Just the rat, the internet and some hobbies. The bastard above has been and always will be hell-bent on keeping that human side of me that craves passion and intimacy forever chained and dormant. I can only have these things in my mind. I’m not allowed to act them out. I can only lust over images in print or on a computer screen. And to hell with even thinking we could do ok financially for more than a few minutes and ever live in a real house that wasn’t an old dump!

But what am I supposed to do while I sit and struggle my ass off the rest of my life, unable to make changes and permanently blocked from all kinds of experiences and opportunities? Keep living on fantasies? Do I just keep fantasizing about the hotties like Nane which I can never have while regretting that my sex life with my husband ended years ago and never could or will be what I fantasize it to be with other women? Sit and dream of making big bucks with my writing while child killers and other criminals publish their own books and make a fortune off them?

I gave Nane our address and asked that she send a postcard from TR. I told her it would be cool to have and to have something she actually wrote by hand, but that I understood it may be too expensive and I might not even live long enough to receive it anyway.

This has been the coldest night so far this fall. We had to shut the windows last night. It’s only down to 73º in this room but I am sooo cold. I get so cold so easily and so does this flimsy old trailer. I am sooo glad I won’t have to spend another winter in it! Or too many more days where I’m going to have to get up in the middle of my sleep to open the window and turn the fan on (it will be too cold to do so when I go to bed) because we can’t have a normal cooling system. The only good thing is that we’ll get to enjoy one last warm spell coming up over the next week or two.

Later…

Of course there were no job calls for Tom today, of course there were no win notices for me today, and of course I just had to miss catching Nane online, too. But Nane was in a rush anyway in preparation for her trip. She promised to send a postcard from TR (so sweet of her), though she says that mail from there has a bad habit of not reaching its destination.

And as if life isn’t bad enough, we might’ve been screwed out of our Unemployment checks, but that’s ok as that’s just one more incentive to die. I figured something like this would happen sooner or later. As I always said, walk a tightrope long enough and you’ll eventually fall off. It looks like our “fall” is going to be in the way of not receiving the forms. They’re supposed to be submitted by Sunday. So unless they’re at the mail place tomorrow, we couldn’t possibly submit them in time to get money for rent and basically to live on. Like I said, it became obvious over the last few years that the crisis of ’07 was a preparation of sorts.

My first choice would be to learn I won big or that he got a good job, but these things aren’t going to happen. Therefore I can only hope for the next best thing – to die so we no longer have to be God’s little bums. His favorite little whipping boys for when He just has to take a moment to get off on beating someone over the head with money. I don’t care anymore about what happens when we die! I just want to hurry up and get dead, though we agreed to wait till the end of the month when it’s cooler. Besides, we are paid up at least till then so we may as well stick around till then anyway. Then maybe God will tell us why He hated us so much and chose us to be one of His designated little poor-ass bums and let so many bad things happen to us.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2011 It hasn’t rained in months now. I thought I smelled rain a couple of times, but all it’s done is cloud up.

The rat has gotten into the adorably cute habit of joining me at the dinner table. It’s so cute how he begs for scraps like a dog. It’s a shame that what is the third smartest animal in the world, and so fun, smart and loving, has such a bad reputation. He comes when he’s called and if I sternly say the word “no” when he goes to get into things he shouldn’t, he immediately backs down.

I sucked some of my strawberry melon fruit juice into a straw and spilled some on the floor for him to lap up and I had to laugh when I thought of my mom. She’d totally die if I did this on her floor!

Tom has this strange lump under the skin at the side of his neck. It’s soft and doesn’t hurt but we sure wonder what the hell it is.

I decided to work out a little today after all just because I like the feeling working out gives me. I added the incline so it’s more challenging. I can definitely feel it more in my ass and the backs of my legs.

I keep hoping that even though we’ll probably never make it out of NorCal (maybe not even this trailer) and will always be poor, somehow we’ll pull through these tough times and whatever’s up there will quit picking on us and go pick on someone else. Believe me, I want things to get better. I want to pull through this. But I just don’t see how or when we ever will. Why would good things suddenly start happening to us? Why would he suddenly get a decent, permanent job with benefits? Why would I win enough money to safely move us to Florida? Why would things that could but that won’t suddenly start going our way for once? That’s just not the way it works if you’re Jodi S. If you’re Jodi S, then what can go wrong usually does.

I adore my Nane and have no regrets whatsoever about meeting her, especially with the way we’ve grown closer, but at the same time, I can’t help but think of how much easier it would be for Tom and me to end it all if I didn’t have any friends at all, especially her. Sometimes the little things are just as important as the big things we do for others, and I just can’t help but smile when I hear from her. And it really makes me smile – even turns me on – when she calls me Lady Jodi or Lady Rainbow. I don’t know what it is about that or why, but she really cheered me up yesterday. Clearly, we both like each other. She may not like me to the degree that I like her, but I don’t think I’d have to ask myself if I thought she’d get together with me if we were both single and in the same town. I’d say it’s pretty obvious at this point even if guys may always be her main cup of tea. But damn she helps leave me stuck with conflicting emotions! I don’t want to live to be miserable, but I don’t want to hurt friends and family if Tom and I head for the pearly gates. If things were to ever get that bad again, then we’d have no choice but to end it. Losing everything used to be one of my biggest fears. These days, however, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I like getting new things and I would simply replace things over time as money permitted and enjoy having less to sort and clean until I did. But nothing’s changed as far as my inability to make it on the streets should we ever be forced to deal with homelessness that lasted longer than the 36 hours we were on the streets in 2007.

They adjusted Mary’s release date some more from just after Christmas to just before Christmas of next year. I wonder if I’ll ever hear from her again. Better yet I wonder if I should respond if I do. I guess I’ll have to decide what I think would be best for her and for me when and if this time ever comes. And I think it will.

Alison and Tom read the first chapter of my current book. I’m glad too, because they helped me discover one typo, one word that was correct but not what I wanted, and one accidental third-person observation. Yeah, getting used to writing in first-person when you’ve been doing third-person for so long is hard! Hope I didn’t miss any typos in my other story!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2011 There is some semi-good news, finally. Not necessarily good enough to want to stick around if nothing else is gonna change along with it, but here’s what we learned regarding the pension. It’s true that we can’t have a lump sum when he turns 55, and it’s also true that we can’t even have $200 a month at 55. However, we can have $150 a month at 55. So not enough to spring us out of here and over to Florida or have any other significant impact on our lives, but just a little extra to help make things a little easier for us.

Nothing else has changed, though. People just don’t want to hire older people. To hell with whether or not they may be more experienced and qualified. And still knowing we’re going to be poor all our lives and forever stuck in this trailer still isn’t any more “ok” with me than it was yesterday or last week or last year. My will to live is still pretty much shot to hell and while I’m loving this summery weather that continues to go on just when I think fall will finally set in, it’s holding up my plans. The plans I can’t talk about. So is my Nane. Well, let’s just say she’s making the thought of dying “guiltlessly” a little less easy to do. I promised to be as selfish as I could in that department and think of myself first and what was best for me and not worry about what others think or how it would affect them. I know they’d eventually get over the hurt my death would cause them. Meanwhile, Tom can never get any younger and our lives can never get any better at this point. I’d have to win an insane amount of money for that and the odds of that are next to nil. But then I chatted with Nane yesterday and felt pangs of guilt and sadness tug at my heart at the thought of “leaving” her.

The poor girl has tonsillitis now and was out of work for a couple of days. I thought she’d already left for TR, but that’s not for a couple of days yet. I wanted to scream when she said she wouldn’t be back till October 3rd. I’m happy for her but a bit bummed for myself unless she plans on checking in regularly enough from TR. I wouldn’t count on that, though. I would think she’d rather be out riding the waves and the camels… God, I envy her in some ways.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2011 Didn’t do much writing last night because I was busy going through my doll collection and prepping it for sale. I don’t know that I can get much for them; some I may not even be able to sell at all. But I’m ok with letting go of even my favorites now just in case by some miracle we ever survive this rut and have even the remotest possibility of getting to Florida. I’ve enjoyed them long enough and all they really do is collect dust and hog up space anyway.

I went through Barbies, Tonners, porcelains, other vinyls, clothes, accessories, COAs, and stuff like that. Don’t know how I’m going to get rid of the mannequins. I guess I throw them on Craigslist and hope for the best. We may have to abandon a lot of stuff if we ever do make it out of here but I have no problem with leaving Jesse (though his sister will probably get most of the honors) a mess to have to clean up. After all the barking, loud motors and other shit I’ve had to listen to at times, it’s hard to feel bad for them. And that’s ok if we can’t use them as a reference. We didn’t use any references to get in here in the first place. I still think that if we live we’ll be here for several more years. Unless I won an unexpected amount of money (the kind that’s not in our cards) I just don’t see any way out to even a rental down the street right here in town.

I’m enjoying our extended summer. It really makes up for summer being so slow to start in the first place. By the end of the week, however, it’s bye-bye summer. Friday night I think we’ll have to close the windows at night. Still, the extension was nice since we usually have to close them sometime during the last week of August or the first week of September.

The above part was written yesterday before bed but I didn’t get a chance to post it. The rest follows after what has been a very disappointing day with yet still no job calls for Tom. Tuesday was usually a big day for job calls, but now even that is gone and apparently a thing of the past.

I was thinking about how I missed Nane, who is on vacation but hopefully having a fun time, then she replied to a wall comment and “liked” one of my funny pics. Even though I never got any private messages from her that alone put a smile on my face. Damn, it hurts to know I’m going to have to hurt my friends and family like I said before! But like I also said, sometimes we have to think of ourselves first. My friends and family will get over the hurt of my dying, but Tom and I would never have “gotten over” this rough patch in life. There are just some things you don’t get over. Period.

Some believe God has a “plan” for all of us. Well, He chose poverty for us if that’s true, and that’s not ok. Sorry, but we have a definite problem with that. That’s not something I could ever sit back and accept and be ok with any more than most women could sit back and accept abuse from a man she thought loved her. I can’t make God – or whatever evil has latched onto us so intensely – let good things happen to us, but we can certainly end our suffering and refuse to take it anymore, and yes, I’ve made my final decision on that one. I’ve made up my mind and nothing’s going to stop me from carrying out my plans at this point other than a miracle, but those just don’t happen to us. A permanent job for Tom that would insure us, us running off to Florida, seeing friends and family - those are just dreams. Dreams that can’t come true at least for us. No matter how simple our dreams may be, all they have to do is belong to us and we may as well be asking for millions of dollars. And so the official countdown to the end has begun. I’ve already stopped dieting and exercising. Might as well quit entering sweeps too, since I’ve stopped winning.

I thought I was going to have to spend the beginning of the end with a cold since I woke up exhausted and with a sore throat. Only I slept 7 or 8 hours like I normally do, and I haven’t been around anyone who’s sick in order to catch anything myself. Decided that just because no amount of spells or anything else we try to do can change our lives for the better, this didn’t mean one of my cold spells might still not work. So I “willed” it away.

I sometimes wonder if another “influencer” out there may have willed so much of my life to be so bad and for things to never work out for us. Except for a few good wins, we never get any breaks in life. Ever. Certainly, I can’t be the only one with this curse some mistake for a gift. Believe me, it is anything but flattering to have or any kind of honor. Getting pissed off at someone is one thing. We all get pissed here and there. But when for some reason you’ll never understand your anger causes all kinds of bad things to happen to them – particularly illnesses and injuries – you worry it may kill someone at some point. Maybe it already has and I just don’t know it. It’s already killed someone’s dog and it nearly took out my landlord. The emotions (that I can’t simply control at will or with a flick of a switch) are part of what’s also coming back on us and influencing bad things to happen to us as well. Where is the “gift” in that??? I will admit that my anger causing certain people serious harm doesn’t exactly make me feel bad for them, depending on why I’m so angry at them. It’s the kinds of people we all get a little ticked off at from time to time that worries me.

Maybe this Firestarter without the fire needs to die. Maybe she deserves it. Something up there obviously doesn’t think I deserve much of a life, so should I think otherwise when year after year we’re forced to sit on our asses with no options, opportunities or control over our own damn lives and what happens to us?

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2011 Last night’s dreams are proof that only the bad dreams are the ones I can count on meaning anything, but not the good ones. The good ones are full of shit for sure! Not only has he still not gotten a job, and not only have I still not won anything good, but we’re not moving near Miami like we did in Dreamland last night either. :(

The dream started off really weird. Tom, myself and Jesse were sleeping on these wooden rafts attached to the side of a small but steep pond that doesn’t really exist on this parcel of land. It had something to do with us either having hard times or getting ready to move.

I said something (about the land) while standing on the bank beside the pond/rafts to Jesse as he came from the other side of the pond and settled onto his raft.

“Yeah, but it’s mine,” Jesse said along with something else I don’t remember. Then Tom came and got onto the middle raft. At first I was afraid my own “raft” would sink but when I saw they could hold what totaled about 500 pounds worth of guys, I figured mine would hold me just fine.

In the next scene, I was inside the place which looked nothing like the place really does, listening to Jesse’s bulldozer and thinking how I wouldn’t miss hearing it and that the only thing I would miss was the dryer air.

And then we were in Florida. It was raining and we were going to meet some woman somewhere. I don’t know who she was or why we were going to meet her. I was just glad to be there despite concerns of things like my controlled but still existent asthma acting up, as well as my allergies/ear. But we were there!

Bullshit! I screamed in my mind when I awoke. I wanted so much to believe that too, was a sign of good things to come in the future and a premonition of sorts, but I wouldn’t let myself. If he got a job tomorrow and I won big the next day, then I could believe the dream meant something.

Anyway, what is this half-assed pain in the ass I’ve been having lately where I have this ache that sort of runs from my lower back down into my right ass cheek?

Do you ever play with spammers? Well, not spammers so much as scammers. You know, the usual ones claiming they need your assistance cashing overseas checks, or that you’ve inherited or won millions of dollars? I fuck with them at times before marking them as spam by dropping whatever’s in my paster on them. I copy and paste a lot, so unless it’s sensitive info I love to have fun fucking with them and confusing them with these baffling replies which sometimes consist of these journal entries. After all, I do copy/paste them in from Word.

I heard from Christine, which is always nice. She said she knows what it’s like to be depressed and has seriously contemplated suicide before. She also said she’s glad she didn’t do it, though, as things have changed and she’s so much happier now.

Are things ever going to change for us?????

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2011 Amazingly enough, I don’t think Jesse went out last night or the night before last. It’s been too quiet for him to have taken off.

I was reading the start of Alison’s latest story. It’s so damn good! It also gave me an idea for a story of my own. I’ve actually got 3 ideas now. Why must the ideas come faster than I can turn them into print?

Later…

I have been trying and trying so hard to shake the depression I’ve been so strongly gripped by but it’s like it has a permanent hold on me. I’m still working out and doing the things I normally do like laundry and housekeeping, but for the most part, all I want to do is sit and write, lie in bed or listen to music.

I asked Tom if he had anything in writing that said he would be receiving the pension money at 55 and he said that if he ever did it’s long gone. Yeah, and how much you wanna bet the bastard above made sure of that and that there’s no way to sue the fuckers for lying to us? See, this is why I think we’re being cursed by something with a conscience that can think and plan. Had we had a few rough patches in life I’d write it off to bad luck, but when shit like this keeps happening to us over and over again throughout our lives, it becomes rather obvious (at least to me) that something’s deliberately, knowingly and intentionally setting us up to keep falling flat on our asses. The 20K I thought we were supposed to have gotten would’ve sprung us out of here and over to Florida where we could’ve got along just fine until he got a job and us into a rental in a senior community. I wouldn’t have minded never owning again if we could have kept the landlord out of the picture for the most part as we could in Oregon and not have to share the property with anyone else while we were at it.

On the other hand, how I wish I just loved apartments! Our lives would be so much easier. But once again, why do I have a feeling that whatever’s up there, be it a God or a devil, helped make sure I can’t stand them so our lives would be even harder on us? Oh, how I wish I could adapt to whatever I wanted to adapt to! I’d gladly get a cheap apartment and just accept the fact that being a light sleeper who sometimes sleeps during the day I would get woken up here and there. Why can’t I just deal with other people’s noise and just accept it like I accept the sounds of nature, the train passing through, and airplanes flying around? Why is it so damn hard for me to put up with the banging and other shit that goes with attached living and not let it distract and irritate me? At least in an apartment, I wouldn’t have to worry about the treadmill, my own music or any other racket I may make being complained of since everyone else would be too busy making their own racket to even notice.

Then again, if we could choose what we like and not have certain things annoy us, couldn’t we then choose our sexualities, what colors/foods/music we like, and more? How I wish we could! The “new” me would just love apartments and be content to spend the rest of her life there, attracted to her husband only and never again to another woman.

Maybe I was going about life the wrong way. Maybe instead of trying to run from everything I hated or at least didn’t want, I should’ve accepted the fact that everyone hates their jobs, their homes, and basically their whole damn lives, and instead go for everything I hated or didn’t want as a means of forcing myself to adapt and learn to just get used to and deal with the fact that life is never what we want it to be anyway. People like to kid themselves into thinking life is what we make it and that we have free will, but that’s just not reality. Not for the most part anyway. I could choose pink lipstick over red, but when it comes to the big things – the important things that really matter – how much of it do we really have any control over?

So the next time the dogs go off, why don’t I just not reach for the sound machines for once and just learn to get used to them and just fucking deal with it? I guess the only way to know if I can get myself to be who I want to be is to stop trying to be who I am. Right?

I didn’t choose or ask to be attracted to Nane, any more than anyone else (gay/bi/straight) picks and chooses who they’re attracted to, but I could have chosen not to befriend her. I’m glad I did, but I’ll certainly be keeping my mouth shut in the future, if there is a future for me, when I next find myself attracted to someone. Why flirt or get to know someone I couldn’t have any way for even if they wanted me in return and were right down the street when I have no desire to ever leave my husband?

Anyway, back to the pension. Cursed or not I don’t see how the hell they can legally keep us from our money and basically lie to us like they did and change the rules whenever the hell they feel like it. I can see them adjusting the age for those signing on at the time they wanted to change them, but to tell someone they can have their own money at 55, then change it to 65, is totally wrong. But of course the bastard above – whatever it is – will make sure there’s no way to sue them silly for fucking us over.

I’m not even going to bother calling the people I won the Italy trip for. Once again, living where one wants to live is not real life. Especially for us. And there’s no point in getting a free hotel stay when you can’t buy food or gas or anything else you need till you get a job.

I would never expect any off-the-wall changes like waking up taller one day, but God I really wish I loved apartments! An apartment would have so much more than this old trailer has even if we didn’t save much money there. Most complexes in the west have full-size washers and dryers in some sort of laundry room, and even if it didn’t have a dishwasher, it would have a pool and be in much newer and better condition than this old dump. Why can’t I want what’s best and what’s right for us?!?! Moving to an apartment so we could not struggle so much would initially be trading in one misery for another, but sooner or later even I would adapt and be ok with apartment life, right? Maybe even like it? Hmm… well, I never could get myself used to and liking the duplex we were in for 10 months in Oregon, and it could get noisy as hell sandwiched in by loud TVs and barking dogs on one side and a family who lived in their backyard on the other side, but maybe I was too stubborn to and simply didn’t go in there with the right attitude. I went in there thinking I would get the hell out the first chance I got and that’s exactly what I did. The house we moved to wasn’t always quiet since it was on a busy street and every other car had loud stereos, but I was way happier there. Way happier. But what if I had gone into the duplex with the attitude that yeah, life sucks and then you die so just deal with it and other people’s antics? Would that have made a difference?

sighs I just don’t know what to do. No matter where I live and what I have for money, I still don’t know that I want to live to get old and acquire the problems most people have with age. Unlike most people, I’m not going to have the luxury of dying while surrounded by family and friends. My friends and family are too far away and most of them will be dying or already dead by the time my own time comes to head for the pearly gates. The only thing I do know is that we can never do anything and life can never go on for us (good or bad) as long as no one gives my husband a job. That much I do know.

Speaking of adapting, I’m still getting used to the new glasses. I like how they fit better and don’t fall off when I look downward, and I like how I see better close-up, but the distance is even blurrier with these things. Even just a few feet away is blurrier. So if I see a little spot on the wall I don’t think should be there, I have to practically stick my face in it to see if it’s a spider, not something I care to do.

It was much cooler today and we may have seen the last of the temps in the 90s.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2011 I’m sitting here wondering what the hell’s wrong with my blog. I’m tweaking the template on my big 20” iMac and I have my 15” laptop next to it so I can see how the layout looks on both screens. But the colors aren’t right. Not all of the colors on the big Mac are the same as on the laptop, WTF? I’m running XP on the Mac and Vista on the laptop, so maybe that’s got something to do with it. I suppose I should just use Blogger’s own template designs, but being creative and into these kinds of things I built my own template so I could design it myself. However, I’ve done enough designing, coding, configuring, formatting, editing and programming for the night, though I hardly do much of the things that require me to be good with numbers because I’m not.

Later…

Alison was kind enough to give me the ins and outs of Nebraska living. She told me what the different areas of the state were like. From the sound of it, the area she’s in isn’t as cheap as the town we lived in up in Oregon, but it’s certainly cheaper than Cali. We could survive quite well on a minimum wage job in a 2-bedroom apartment for $575, but we could also survive here on what we’re paying here. If we decide to live I’d rather live in this secluded trailer in the woods where it doesn’t get nearly as cold/snowy as opposed to an apartment where we’d be back to having to listen to everyone’s TVs, music, doors, footsteps and screaming kids in a horrible climate.

Besides, the biggest thing I’ve learned since living in California is that while things could get better and work out really well for us, they won’t. I’ve lived long enough to know this. Just because I could sit and write a long list stretching from here to an eternity of all the wonderful things that could happen to us to make our lives a whole lot better, even if it was nothing miraculous or grand, I know damn well that they won’t. And that’s the biggest reason I’ve been so damn down and despondent lately. When we’re young we tend to live in the moment, but when we get older we tend to live in both the present and the future, and when both seem so bleak it makes it harder to want to carry on. I have lost all hope and faith thanks to being both experienced and intuitive enough to know what’s in our cards and what’s not. And what’s not in our cards is for things to go our way. That just doesn’t happen to Tom and Jodi S. Never has, never will. Every single time we move our plans go to hell and we end up getting exactly what we didn’t move there for.

Not getting any pension money is no surprise at all to me as devastating as it still is. Well, they now claim he can have it at 66, but by then it’ll change to 77 and so on and so forth. Anyway, I told Tom years ago that I doubted we’d get anything. I saw it in my dreams and I felt it in my bones. It seems only my bad dreams and vibes are the ones coming true lately for Tom still has no job even though it’s almost mid-September and I haven’t won big at all despite the dreams I had. It’s nice to win size 5 panties that I somehow managed to squeeze my fat ass into and to be wedgie free just as Hanes promises, but I no longer win the hundreds and sometimes thousands of dollars worth of cash and prizes I’m used to winning.

Right now all I want (or when he turns 55 next year) is a modest little house to rent in an adult community in Florida, but that is out of the question and totally not possible. Again, we could get there, but we couldn’t live/eat until we could get into a position to maybe achieve this. And what if we could? Notice there’s a serious price to pay with everything we do manage to achieve? One goal/dream achieved means a new problem(s) will arise. I traded in my smoking addiction for a weight problem. Then I lost weight and it was on to dental problems. And yes, I wanted to move to California and I wanted to be in a rural area and I got these things. But struggling in a dump and being forced to sit on our asses while other people’s dogs bark for hours at a time some days/nights, wasn’t part of the California dreamin’. As Alison said, you keep hoping things will get better and sometimes you think they will, but then they never do.

“Did you ever think of what it would do to me?” my sister asked in regard to my wanting to give up. Yes, I did. I know it would hurt my friends and family. But they would get over that hurt in time while we would never be able to get ahead in life and truly be happy. We’ve had our happy moments, don’t get me wrong, but the big picture can and will never change. Besides, sometimes we have to think of ourselves and put our own welfare ahead of others. So it’s not that I don’t realize my dying would hurt others. It’s just that 30 more years of poverty would hurt me a lot more than my dying could ever hurt my friends and family. It’s important that they try to remember that and that just because others may be in the same boat doesn’t mean I still don’t have the right to do what I feel is best for me personally. If one is suffering, does it really matter if just a few people or even the rest of the world is suffering right along with them?

Tammy also said she’s there if we need help. That’s awfully nice of her, but how could she help if she’s broke, too? And what could she do? Buy us a house? Rent one for us? Get Tom a job?

“Same old shit,” I had told my mom on the phone when we were talking about what was going on.

“Jodi, I know what it’s like to go through shit. Remember the shit I went through?” she asked me.

But I didn’t, assuming she was talking about financial shit, something I don’t think she’s ever had to deal with. Then I later realized she was referring to having to have a lung and a breast removed due to cancer. I don’t know what’s worse – being in financial ruin or being sick. I guess misery is misery and no matter what form that misery comes in – financial, emotional, physical – it all sucks either way.

In the end, I’m the one that’s going to decide whether or not to take my life. Whatever’s up there can decide most of what happens to me while I’m still alive, but not even it can decide whether or not I live or die. That one’s up to me and me only. I have not made an official decision yet and I won’t be doing so till closer to the end of the year for reasons I’m not going to get into just yet.

I sat down and I wrote a list of the things I’m good at (don’t ask for a list of things I’m not good at because that would take me forever to write, LOL) and those things are writing, languages, singing, dancing (that is – uhem – with or without my clothes on), acting and dieting/exercising. But in this day and age, none of it can help us really get ahead in any significant way so I may as well suck at these things, too. Even if I could keep a schedule like most people, these aren’t things one can just jump into no matter how good one may be at them. There are better writers, singers and dancers out there that can’t get anywhere with these things no matter how hard they try. I’m lucky to have gotten as far as I have with these things myself, even if it wasn’t very far.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2011 So Nane spent 1 hour and 44 minutes on my blog while the troll spent the better part of the day in it. Even Tom laughed when I told him she was in it for 10 hours and 20 minutes. I told Alison about it, and how it was no doubt because I mentioned moving to Nebraska.

Another vote on my poll. There’s no way to know who voted, but my guess is that it was either Christine or Nane.

And why didn’t I hear from Nane? Did the next 4 chapters she read make her angry or uncomfortable? Was she busy? Something else? I think this may be the week she goes to Turkey.

“Wanna hear crazy idea #4 that also won’t work?” I asked Tom when I got up.

“Sure,” he said almost jubilantly.

Eileen.

Eileen said a while back that she had an extra room if we needed it. Once again, we could sell almost everything and drive there, but it could be many months before he found a job, and would I really want the end result to be a rental in Massachusetts of all places? I like how they have universal healthcare there, but I hate the climate. I spent my first 26 years there, so I know how bad the winters are.

Exchanged a few messages with Tammy. I can’t help but think of how Tom and others believe my moods and emotions influence the outcome of things as well as affect others. There she was all mad at me for writing what I wrote in my journal about her in 2009, healthy, financially set, and threatening to fly out and take me to court over it, and now the poor girl is unable to walk, can barely move her arms, and is broke on disability. The disease she has started right after we had our spat and again it makes me wonder if I had an indirect hand in influencing it through my anger without even knowing what I was doing. Or is it just a coincidence?

She and Mark are also on anti-depressants. As I told her I was always against psych pills figuring they were no better than turning to street drugs or alcohol as a means of coping, and because of the side effects, some of which can be permanent and one of which I still have today. The doctor, of course, conveniently didn’t tell me about it until it was too late. It’s nothing major, just annoying. Nonetheless, if I were insured I just may be tempted to run to the doctor for my own dose of happy pills.

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” she said.

I have the will, but where’s the way? I’ve been looking for it for over 4 years now but still can’t find it.

Tammy also said she knows how we feel and couldn’t have described it any better when she said it was like a constant merry-go-round with no way off, but she and Mark won’t give up and neither will Tom and I. She couldn’t desert her daughters, she added.

Ah, but I’m not as strong as some may think I am and I have no kids to leave behind. I’m glad I am loved and in good health, but I still can’t stomach the idea of being trapped here forever, broke and dreaming of impossible ways out.

Speaking of who we’re trapped with, Tom was driving in when he ran into Jesse at the fork.

“What’s he do, stand there and wait for you?” I asked Tom.

He was actually working on the electrical box nearby. He gave Tom something to pour down the toilet to treat the septic. Why Jesse didn’t just pour it down his own toilet is beyond me. Don’t we all shit in the same tank?

I spoke to my parents today, too. Dad was sympathetic to our situation, and it’s not that Mom wasn’t as well, but when you get things like, “I don’t call you to tell you business is sucky,” it kind of makes you wish you hadn’t bothered. Still, they cheered me up a bit along with Tammy.

The only things that are better right now are my vision and our connection. Yeah, my new little pink kiddy glasses arrived. It’s nice to see better, but glasses are glasses and I hate ‘em all.

As for the connection, it’s still shaky when it’s at its hottest and the sun shines on the wires, but otherwise it’s been more stable lately. I don’t know how long it will last but I’ll enjoy it while it does.

The weather’s been nice too; hot and dry. It was around 100º today.

Why is my left arm stronger than my right arm when I’m right-handed? I noticed this when I worked my arms today. In the past, I’ve beaten some people at arm wrestling with my left hand that I was unable to beat with the right.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2011 Guten Abend, Leute. :) In Florence, Arizona when I was thrown in jail for 12 hours and waited until my husband could bail my ass out of there, I couldn’t shake the distinct feeling that something was preparing me for something. A few months later I learned just what it was trying to tell me when I was sentenced for that “crime” and tossed in jail in Phoenix for a helluva lot longer than 12 hours. In other words, the message was, see? It’s not like on TV. They won’t all beat and rape you even though you will get hit on a few times and one crackhead that thinks she just had a miscarriage may want to take her frustrations out on you and scare you a bit, but you’ll live.

When the disaster struck in 2007 that nearly killed us I also had the same feeling; that something was trying to prepare me for something. When he got laid off a year later and before we knew we’d get enough benefits to survive on, I thought it was trying to prepare me for death, since I would kill myself before I ever tried to make it on the streets, something I know damn well I could never be tough enough to do. Anyway, I still have that feeling; that it was a preparation of some kind.

Before I get to that, once again I can’t help but laugh when I remember the beginning of the “cyber-friend” era. I would laugh at those who would claim to come to care for – even love – their cyber friends. I just didn’t get how that was possible with someone you never met. The idea of cyber friends – these mere electronic beings in space – seemed so unreal to me, almost like having imaginary friends. I totally would have passed out with laughter had someone told me years ago that a woman in Germany I never met would come to care for me – in some ways more than those I’m supposedly “closer” to – and I would care for her in return. She’s really been there for me and has let me cry on her shoulder and I really appreciate it. :) Yet despite having laughed at people in the past who claimed to care so much for their cyber friends, if I suddenly learned something happened to her I would literally collapse in a heap of tears. And if it was at the hands of another person(s) I won’t say in print just what I’d want to do to them.

But as much as I love my friends all in different yet similar ways, it might not be enough to stop us from ending it all if we continue to be trapped here with seemingly no way out, despite the crazy ideas Tom and I have thrown around at each other. Yeah, in case you’re just tuning in and you don’t know me well yet, my husband and I have been what you could call a couple of risk-taking adventurers. But after the last so-called adventure turned disastrous, I resolved to retire that adventurous side of me. But when you find that you’ve been merely alive and not living for too many years now, you tend to get a little crazy again at least in your mind with bazaar ideas.

As Nane said, Germany’s pretty much in the same situation as the U.S. In fact, Europe in general is. So relocating to another country with or without a husband that doesn’t have the knack I have for learning other languages, isn’t very feasible at all. Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to have Nane close by (I don’t care anymore that she smokes and is a travel freak. Hell, I’d let her drag my ass down to Turkey with her if she wanted to), and she too wishes I weren’t so far away, especially with the hard time I’m going through, but there are crazy ideas and then there are crazy ideas. Not that we ever take our true love/soul mate for granted or anything like that but yeah, it sucks I can’t run and cry on her shoulder in person at times! As I told her directly, just hanging out together and snuggling up on a couch or something like that would be so nice every so often. No hanky panky, just the closeness. But 6,000 miles is anything but “close.” So here are 3 of the crazy U.S. ideas we tossed around in order of most likely to the least likely.

Idea #1, Drive to Nebraska

While I was having an amazingly dreamless sleep Tom was researching job markets in various states. He wondered what state had the lowest Unemployment rate but still had enough people in it and he came up with Nebraska. Their Unemployment rate is just 4%. I have a good cyber friend there, Alison. She is very smart, trustworthy and reliable so I know I could ask her any questions we may have if we were ever dumb enough to try to pull this plan off, and I would prefer to go to where we knew someone at least somewhat well rather than no one at all. I believe she’s in the Omaha area. Oh, what that would do to the troll, LOL! She’d be more jealous of me than I could ever be of Jim.

Anyway, if we chose this crazy idea, we would only keep the computers, stereo, treadmill and our clothes. I like the idea of eventually getting new stuff since I prefer newer things to older things but am still not sure it’s worth it. It would be with the hopes of eventually being able to get on our feet and then drop down into Florida at some point in our lives as Nebraska’s climate would be absolutely miserable compared to this. I like how it’d be mostly white people which would make getting a job even easier since they’re getting first dibs on everything these days, but the thought of having to once again do motels and apartments does NOT sit well with me. I don’t know how easy it would be to rent a house there but it should be easier than here because I just can’t believe NE is as expensive as CA. I would have to ask Alison questions like this.

Idea #2, Fly to Florida

This idea would mean getting rid of virtually everything but our clothes and the laptop and flying directly to Florida with whatever we can get from the sale of the car and whatever else we sell like the big Macs, big screen TV, laser printer, treadmill, etc. We would then hope to cut some kind of a deal with the people I won the Italy trip from and see if we could get the credit transferred to hotels in Florida. I guess we might try to do this if we went to Nebraska, but I don’t think they’ll go for it. They were pretty adamant about disallowing cash substitutes, transfers and exchanges, and even if we could easily afford to get to any state in the country, we couldn’t just hang out on the streets till he got a job and us into a place.

I like the idea of Florida’s climate, but the Unemployment rate isn’t much better there and then we have the competition of the “minorities” again that really aren’t the minorities anymore. In less than a decade Hispanics will be the majority. Hmm…wonder if that means we whites will finally be able to have any non-white attackers that may attack us for being white charged with a hate crime just like they can and just like everybody should be able to do. For now, we’re lucky if we can even get them on assault charges when they attack us.

I could stand to give up most of our possessions either way. It’s just stuff. But it would hurt to have to give up the big Macs, stereo and treadmill. I don’t care about the TV or printer or even the collectibles, but those other things might sting a bit. Especially since the odds of us ever being able to replace them, since I won these things to begin with, aren’t good. It would take forever to save for replacements, that’s for sure.

Idea #3 Run to Mommy & Daddy

This is the last thing we’d do since A, they would probably refuse to help us, B, you can’t have guests under 55 in senior communities for more than 2 weeks, and C, I wouldn’t get any sleep. Trying to sleep in motels and apartments with a sleep disorder is bad enough.

The idea, though, was to send them a letter (that way we wouldn’t have to worry about the connection breaking up) and tell them that things aren’t getting any better here and we’d like to sell everything and fly to them. Then ask if we could stay in their spare bedroom while Tom helped them at the store. Even I could help with Spanish for those customers who are too lazy to learn English. We would pay for internet service so I could mostly work online like I usually do until we could afford a place of our own.

Once again, though, this simply wouldn’t work. I love my mom but she can be a real bitch to be around for a few hours, let alone to live with for an extended period of time.

Going penniless or close to it to any state is out of the question, as again, we could come up with the money to get there but not to live. We’d be homeless before he got a job and us into a place. No thanks! I would rather just stay in pesky Jesse’s old shitbox and listen to his damn mutts before I was homeless in even the most perfect of climates. But we’re really good at tossing around crazy ideas just the same.

We are, however, going to see if we can weasel a deal for a trip to Florida instead of Italy with the travel credit I won. Like I said, I don’t think they’ll go for it, even if it’s of lesser value, but we’re gonna try. It’s just that it wouldn’t solve all our problems. Even if they gave us unlimited free hotel stays, how would we eat? How would we get around town? How would we do anything else???

sighs It all seems to come back to the same two shitty options – stay here forever or die. :(

Not much else going on other than triple-digit temps for tomorrow and too much talk of 9/11. I’m not saying we should forget the tragedy that happened. We need to remember so we can learn from it and better protect ourselves in the future. I just don’t see why we must rehash it and dwell on it so damn often.

Anyway, Nane is super busy and is soon leaving for TR. She said to remind her to order my book, but as I told her, while I’d love to have my first Germany sale, it’s just an edited version of the story she didn’t like as much.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2011 Wow, I’m both shocked and flattered that Nane and Mitch read the first 3 chapters of my story and liked it! Mitch is usually pretty critical but he found no problem with it and Nane referred to me as “talented” and said she liked it better than the last one which she admits she hasn’t read much of. I’m flattered and I appreciate her wishing I wasn’t so damn far away so she could talk me out of my “foolish” plans or at least stall them.

I would first like to say something about the tough and depressing situation I’m presently in. Our car is physically capable of driving us from California to Florida. We have enough left of the cash and gas cards I won to dump our shit, jump in the car and go. But after getting in the jam we got in back in 2007, it’s not that simple. One really needs at least 10K to make a big move safely. So yeah, we could up and go to Florida, but then what? Where would we stay until he got a job and where would we get the money needed to get into a place? Hotels cost a fortune, even the cheap ones. So it’s not that easy since you can’t get a job overnight and most rentals want first and last month’s rent and a deposit, too. Neither of us cares to lose everything and be homeless for the many months it could take to get our feet on the ground there, warmer climate or not.

Here, the heat rages on in the 90s, but it’s only a matter of time now before we drop into the 50s and below – ugh.

Anyway, hearing from Nane and Mitch really put a smile on my face which was all the more appreciated in these tough times. For a minute I wished I hadn’t come to have such good friends, not just because Wales and Germany are too damn far away, but because it also puts my emotions in a bit of a tug of war when I think of dying and leaving them. I love my friends dearly; even more than my own family. Yes, I’d rather spend a week with Nane than my own sister and a week with Mitch over my parents since my mom can be a real bitch at times, but I also have to consider the welfare and happiness of my husband and me at the same time. I hate to hurt my friends and family, but I can’t guarantee 100% or make any promises as far as surviving these tough times because I don’t know that I can or will. I’m just going to try to enjoy the moment while it lasts. That’s really all I can do no matter how much time I may or may not have left to live. If we do choose to end it no one will know how, when or where that will be. You’ll just have to look for our obits on legacy.com if all online activity from me ever ceases to exist for more than a week or so.

Like any other human being, I really do want to live and be happy and be in the driver’s seat of my life. I don’t want to give up on life, but life has given up on me and now the economy, as well as other circumstances beyond my control, is in the driver’s seat of my life. I have tried and tried to grab hold of the wheel, but it seems no matter how hard I try it remains forever out of reach.

Nane had said she wasn’t ashamed to be able to take vacations after working her ass off for 30 years, and she shouldn’t be. But it is absolutely heartbreaking to see my husband work just as hard just and just as long and this is the shit he gets for it. Despite all his experience and hard work, he is constantly passed over for the younger, darker-skinned people of this twisted country.

It’s ironic that I spent so much of my childhood dreaming of living here. Then one day, when I least expected it, that dream became a reality. Who would have known I’d one day end up trapped in the place I dreamed of living in and wishing I could get the hell out?! I almost feel teased when I gaze out the kitchen window at the car. It’s almost like the car is waving and saying, “Hey there. :) I can take you to Florida. Only you can’t go, hahaha!” But seeing how any dream I am lucky enough to obtain turns into some kind of joke, maybe it’s for the better that I am hopelessly stuck in the most populous state in the country where every 1 out of 8 of us are jobless.

I have searched and searched in my mind for a reasonable way out of this little old dump, but I simply cannot see any. Oh, sure we’d be free to go and comfortably and safely make the move to Florida if I won 100K, but I’d say the odds of that are next to nil as good as I am (or used to be) with winning. I can only “influence” so much. But Hanes has been supplying my panties for over 3 years now, LOL. Yes, I do well at winning their socks and even better at winning their panties like I just did. Not sure how I managed to squeeze my ass into a size 5, but I guess all the physical training is paying off after all even if I haven’t yet learned (especially before periods) to keep my damn mouth shut to the food as often as I should.

Anyway, Tom had a phone interview, but at this point, it doesn’t really matter if the September job dream was indeed a premonition or not because we’d still be stuck here. Call me selfish, call me spoiled, but I just can’t accept the idea of being trapped in this tiny old trailer indefinitely with an efficient but drunken landlord who won’t shut his damn dogs up when he takes off on weekends. I just can’t! I know there are worse places to be stuck in, but I really, truly would rather be dead than be “sentenced” to life in Jesse’s trailer. As much as I’d miss my friends, pet rat and hobbies, there would be some good to dying now as funny as it may sound. If we go now we wouldn’t have to struggle for another 30 years or so. I have also always hated the idea of watching Tom grow old and having to stand by helplessly and watch him die and then have to die alone. He’s 8 years older, we don’t have anyone to help us when we get older, and women usually do live longer than men.

No matter what happens, I hope my closest friends know that I really do love them and appreciate the time they’ve given me. Sometimes it’s those we least expect that end up being our truest and most accepting friends. Nane, Maliheh, Mitch and Christine have never once denied or made fun of my sleep disorder or anything else about me. I don’t think they care that I’m hyper, short and fat (even though no one else seems to think I’m that fat). Yet those I’ve known forever and that I would think would be the most caring and supportive have done nothing but put me down. Damn, I wish Nane was down the street and Mitch was up the street! And of course I miss the hell outa Maliheh, too. Maybe I’ll get to “see” them from the other side if I really do end it.

I’m confused about the pension policy. We were just talking about it and I guess he may never have been eligible after all for a lump sum, or maybe he was before they made some changes right around the time he left AMEX. He’s sent away for the paperwork that will hopefully tell him exactly what he’s eligible for and when, but I still don’t expect it to tell us what we want to hear. I’m just sick of the money teases! The horses, the partnership, his mother, the pension… and now I’m supposed to believe my own mother when she says “it’ll be ok” when she was hinting at an inheritance? Well, that’s really nice of her but I’d rather she just live. I know she can’t live forever, though, but she still has a good 5-10 years left in her, I would think, and I’m sure something up there will take that from us, too. As it is I worry they’ll get our social security next. So right now sticking around doesn’t look likely. This is a huge and devastating blow to us.

Oddly enough, however, I didn’t wake up in the horrible mood I’ve been waking up in where I just want to throw the blanket over my head, return to sleep and never wake up. I don’t know why. Nothing’s changed. I shall enjoy it while it lasts, for I know it’s only a matter of time before the depression returns and I’m once again in a fit of tears.

Tom went to the mail place today and a guy who works there was sitting outside and was so glad to see him. LOL, the guy didn’t have his key. He was so grateful that he gave us a free month.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2011 Andy’s still checking out my blog. Why? If I’m such a lazy excuse queen and what basically equates to a liar, why bother?

Anyway, I’m not as sluggish and as depressed now that my period is just about over, but I’m not exactly wide awake and dancing for joy either. I think I’ll go back to taking multivitamins. Maybe that’ll perk me up. As for being happier, well, that’s something only whatever’s up there can help me with at this point since we’re doing all we can do on our part, but it seems whatever’s up there has better things to do. To believe that God helps those who help themselves is to believe that I’m really a tall, blond with brown eyes. I know we can’t help what we believe but I’ve still got to laugh at those who dare venture out at night in a dangerous neighborhood so sure that God “has their backs.” Why should they assume that? He didn’t have the backs of the kid who was beaten to death for crying too much, or the woman who was in a deadly car accident, or the guy who acquired a deadly disease, so what makes them think they’re any more special?

Tom has officially begun investigating the so-called pension fund and the results, if he can ever find anyone to tell him anything, will be a true test of just how accurate my prediction is of us being destined to be poor all our lives. After all, it’s only the bad dreams/vibes that seem to come true. That’s why I haven’t gotten any win notices so far this month, nor has he gotten a job; because those dreams were just wishful thinking.

So far I’m continuing to appear to be right on with the poverty predictions seeing that he can’t even find a number to call to see if he can find anything out. We’ve had our hopes jacked up for nothing on account of money enough times in the past for me to have much hope where the pension’s concerned. And I know it won’t be “alright” like my mother said. Meaning I don’t expect an inheritance of any kind either. It’s totally unreasonable to think that my parents, in death, could help save us or make our lives any easier. We’ll never again be able to rent a real house anywhere at any time, let alone own.

What will we lose next, our retirement fund and our social security? Maybe that gut feeling I had that something was trying to prepare me for something (like death) back in 2007 was correct after all. It’s sure looking that way at this point.

Only one of you needs to be at least 55 to rent/own in a Florida adult community, but I don’t see how we could ever afford to rent a real house there or anywhere else ever again unless it was a dump in a city in a state less popular. Sort of like Klamath Falls, Oregon. Life really is for the rich. Meanwhile, we poor folks don’t stand much of a chance to get in on much excitement and do much living. Just existing. That’s all we do is simply exist, day after day, month after month, year after year. Of course there’s still always the chance there’s a few grand in the pension account; enough to keep our sorry existent comfortable for a while, but not enough to make any major changes in our lives. I doubt it, though. I think something up there likes knowing our only alternative in life is to stay here in this little old shitbox.

Nane’s disappeared again but Irene is back from Italy, so I found when she dropped some cute hearts on my wall. She said she had a good time.

Tom just gave me an update. Ugh, I was right. :( We were supposed to have the option of a lump sum of about 20K when he turns 55 next year or monthly payments of $200. But now they’re saying he can’t get a lump sum at any age and that all he can get is the payments at 65 or seriously reduced payments earlier. In other words, we’re not getting shit and after 5 years of being right about predicting we’ll be poor all our lives, I will continue to be very correct about that one.

Maybe the reason I had a suicidal character in A Rainbow in Munich is because of how much I could relate to “Rainbow” and her pain and misery. Only I’m going to make sure no one saves me when I go to take my worthless life for I do not want it saved.

Tom doesn’t want to leave me to die alone, so the first night it’s cool enough, we’re outa here. I’m sick of the world, the system, and everyone else shitting on us with their false promises and the way they hold us back in life in various ways. I’ll be damned if I’ll struggle in someone else’s old shitbox to the tune of our drunken landlord’s dogs until we end up starving to death cuz they’ve cut our retirement fund and social security, too. We were just as deserving and willing to work as anyone else!

If you’re up there, God, I’m sorry you hated me so much you felt I deserved to be abused by my mom while my dad looked the other way. And I’m sorry you felt I deserved to be abused even more in the “places” you allowed me to be sent to. Lastly, I’m sorry you feel my husband and I don’t deserve to have much of a life and a piece of the so-called American Dream in some peaceful modest little house somewhere where we didn’t have to worry month after month about how the hell we were going to survive.

I could go on and on about how fucked up, twisted and unfair the world is and how much I’ve come to hate this country and the people running it, and then I could go on and on about why 45 is actually a great age to die when you really sit and think about it.

There are so many little reasons to be glad we’re almost outa here on top of the big pic of lifelong poverty, never getting what we want in life, and having me have to watch Tom grow old and die and then die alone myself. The end of the month would be perfect too; I’d get to miss out on the cold, we’d never have to pay Jesse another month’s rent, and I’d never have to have another period. Here’s a list of just some of the goodies we get to miss out on:

No more struggling to get the little things we need or want to make life more comfortable, ex: body pillows, ink carts, glasses, etc.

No more money teases - horses, jobs, inheritance, lost pensions.

No more barking.

No growing old and developing physical problems and not having anyone around to help us.

No more weight worries/struggles.

No more hassles of dying hair regularly and dealing with curls.

No more fucked up DSL.

No having to worry about my family getting me back east for my parent’s funerals.

No more having to be put out by my schedule curse.

No more worrying about the car breaking and not having a backup vehicle.

Being able to get a good laugh out of the guilt our deaths will put on some people like the queen and Miss Perfect. Wait a minute, are they even capable of feeling such a thing? It’s still funny anyway.

Knowing that unless God/negative cloud fucks with us worse in the afterlife, we will finally be free of any more curses.

You don’t have to worry anymore about jobs or having any evil bosses/coworkers and a job you hate should you ever have gotten another one.

No more longing for my old sex drive and longing to be “normal” sexually despite my age or attracted to women, etc.

My ear and teeth can never bother me again, nor can my joints or other things get any worse.

No more PMS, periods, menopause, fatigue, anger or depression.

No more wishing we had more space, plugs and full-size appliances like washers/dryers/dishwashers.

No more being too short to reach things.

Not even the “little dreams” and goals were possible like encasing the dolls, so no more of that shit.

No more having to see you put out by sleeping on such an uncomfortable piece of shit - don’t tell me it’s “ok” - or having to lose out on other things, big or small.

No more cold weather.

My eyes couldn’t get any worse.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2011 Hola, gentes. I have been fighting a severe case of depression which is why I haven’t been writing as much lately. I don’t know how I fell into such a deep well of depression but I guess that when each month nothing changes for the better I sink a little further, and it’s been so many months now. I wanted to float back up to the surface and climb my way back out, but now I’m not so sure I care anymore. This depression is so miserable to live with that it’s simply no way to live at all. I really think my days are numbered and so I’m going to just take it one day at a time but continue to live as if life will go on as usual.

I really wanted to live and be happy and achieve my goals and dreams in life. I was willing to do whatever was physically and mentally within my means of doing in order to reach these goals, but instead I have failed at every single thing I ever set out to do in life. Well, almost everything. Obviously, I eventually succeeded in quitting smoking. But it seems that most of the time I either fail to succeed, or when I do manage to snag a goal/dream it isn’t long before it turns into some kind of nightmare I didn’t plan on it being or it slips out of my grasp completely. As my husband who loves me, Tom is always going to tell me I’m not a failure and I’m not this awful fluke of nature destined to fuck up that now not only wants to die but feels she deserves to die. Yet no matter who tries to tell me what right now I can’t help but feel this way. I haven’t been this depressed in years. I’ve always been against prescription drugs for treating emotional problems, especially after what happened to me with the Navane. I always felt it was no better than turning to drugs or alcohol, but at this point, I just might consider antidepressants in the near future if this shit doesn’t back off. Then again maybe the only way to get rid of it is to kill myself, IDK.

Tom said I’ll feel better once I get my period. Well, I’ve got my period. It came today. And while I’m not as fatigued or as depressed as I have been, it’s still lingering a bit.

Except for Nane, I’ve been hearing less and less from my friends. I blame myself for that as I know most people don’t want to hang out with those who are down in the dumps. I thought about saying I was ok and that things were going well, but then I’d be lying and I don’t want to do that just so people can have happier journal entries and messages to read. Remember, it may not be much fun hearing from someone who’s unhappy, but imagine how they feel. The only thing I can say for sure is that I will never again attempt to explain my sleeping disorder to anyone else ever again! Some people get it or at least say they do. Others just freak out over what they don’t get and haven’t experienced themselves and automatically go right into denial mode.

I don’t know if it’s all due to how shitty my life is, being on the rag, or if something else is wrong with me I don’t know about. The depression, the forgetfulness, the fatigue – it’s driving me crazy! And if I don’t figure out how to fix things soon I’m going to go off the deep end for sure.

I gained back the weight I lost like I do every month when that old PMS hunger kicks in. I don’t know what makes me so damn hungry during those times but I need to eat nearly twice as much as normal so that’s part of why I keep going around in these endless cycles with the weight. That’s ok. I don’t mind being a big girl. I am what I was meant to be. I’ll still keep exercising regularly but I’m not going to worry anymore about the extra weight. I’m just not going to be able to do much bodybuilding without being able to clear the fat. I can do some with the 25 extra pounds, but I won’t have as much of a ripped look as those who can clear the fat have. You just gotta have the right metabolism for weight loss and I ain’t got it.

We’re hoping to know this week just what may or may not be in the pension fund. Tom’s gonna really start pushing them for info starting tomorrow. Knowing that and what the age requirements are for rentals in Florida senior communities is going to hinge on my decision to either continue living a life I don’t want to live or just end it all. I still expect to be poor throughout most of my life no matter what. I would just prefer not to live most of it in Jesse’s little old trailer.

There is some good news in the mix and that’s that I had another big win dream, so I know I’m looking at another goodie coming up. I just hope it’s something we can use. In the dream, I won $1500 worth of baby gear I knew I could sell, but I rarely win what I dreamed of winning. It could be anything from $500 cash to a $1500 shopping spree somewhere. Chances are whatever it is is valued at no less than a grand.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2011 No calls about the job with the new dumbed-down résumé (I still think it’s his age and color that’s hindering him). This both surprises and doesn’t surprise me. I’m surprised because it was for shit pay. Doesn’t God want us to be poor? I mean isn’t that the whole point here? But it was for a permanent position too, and after 4 years without one, I’d say that’s a definite no-no as far as what’s allowed in our cards these days. Really, I can’t see him ever working a permanent position ever again in our lives. I still say he’ll get just a few weeks here and a few months there till he’s old enough to retire and then maybe we can get the hell out of this tiny old trailer and away from Jesse’s dogs and his fucking motorcycle and other shit.

But that’s questionable too. I wish I could say I was happy and that things are going well, but I feel anything but happy right now, PMSing or not. I’m very depressed. I feel drained as hell both physically and mentally. And totally helpless. I slept 12 hours after being exhausted all day yesterday yet I’m still exhausted. Tom thinks it’s a combination of PMS and the intense workouts. Could be but maybe it’s that I’m tired of life and living. I just don’t want to live feeling like I’m this puppet on a string destined to act out this script and live a life I don’t want to live.

Nane said not to give up on life and that maybe he’d get a job tomorrow and maybe my next book would be a best seller (I’d probably win the lottery before the second thing happened), and well, a lot of people tell me maybe this will happen and maybe that will happen. But there’s only so long I can go on living on maybes that never happen. I feel like I’m only allowed to exist, but not live. I also still feel like something up there sees me as this undeserving piece of shit that must be denied every single dream she could ever have. Something that has enjoyed sitting back and allowing so many bad things to happen to me in my life.

I feel so unaccomplished and inadequate. Just cuz I’ve learned a few languages and written a few books doesn’t mean I’ve accomplished much in life. Really, I feel like such an accomplished loser and that all I’ve managed to “accomplish” is fucking up!

Back when I once wanted to be a big-time singer I wasn’t surprised that wasn’t meant to be. That was asking for a bit much, wasn’t it? But then I wanted to be a mom and when I saw I couldn’t even get that, that’s what made me believe that it didn’t matter what I wanted. As long as it was me that wanted it, it would be forever denied me. I eventually became glad for various reasons that stardom and motherhood never happened. But then one day I dreamed of living in a modest, simple little house that wasn’t a mansion but that wasn’t puny either, nor did it include the sounds of other people’s animals. I thought that maybe – just maybe – it would be possible to achieve since this was my first material dream. But no. Anything I long for must remain forever out of reach; far-fetched, reasonable, materialistic or “normal.”

I must also continue to be one of life’s little flukes of nature who can’t have a normal sleeping schedule, a normal job, a normal sex life and do things most people do like get in a car and drive it fearlessly. Oh, and I must, must, must love and lust other women who don’t feel the least bit of attraction or feelings for me in return.

I was reading a friend’s post about how she doesn’t get why God punishes people like by letting their babies die while He rewards those who wreak havoc on people’s lives just because they can. Well, maybe I just need to be an ass of sorts and start dumping on people a bit. Not to the point that they’re harmed or that I’m breaking the law, but maybe if I’d be a little bit meaner and pick on someone just for the hell of it, better things would come our way. Or maybe I’d simply be unable to do so because of the guilt I’d feel. At the same time I’m getting more numb with age I’m also feeling things I couldn’t feel before when I was younger and guilt is one of them. Oh, I’m not as compassionate as most folks out there. Don’t get me wrong. If someone shot Jesse’s dogs right now most people would want to shoot them. I’d want to send them a thank-you card. So I ain’t all sugar and spice and everything nice. No way. But to me, there’s a difference between picking on people and forever silencing dogs that drive some of us crazy for a good 15 hours a week or so. So if someone said to me that so and so was a real jerk, go pick on them, I don’t know that I could. I’m just not 25 anymore. I’m not even who I was a couple of years ago.

What I don’t get is why I keep dreaming of the troll lately.

Tom just said the color toner cartridges have finally run out on the laser printer I won a few years ago. So maybe in 5 years, we can afford to renew them. At least they lasted 3 years.

In reality, I am becoming more and more forgetful and wondering why. Is it just age? Because I do so much? Something else?

In my imagination, he turns 55 and doesn’t have a job worth hanging onto, if he has one at all. We find out there’s more money than expected in his pension fund. We buy a toy trailer and head for Florida. Then after he gets a job we rent a nice little house in a peaceful retirement community where dogs are household pets and not left outdoors for hours at a time let alone around the clock.

Yeah, see what a wild and active imagination I have? He is gonna start pushing for information, though, as to just how much – if anything – we can expect to receive. I’m guessing that if there’s anything at all we’re only looking at 3 to 5 grand. He thinks there’ll be something, but has no guesses as to how much it could be.

If by some miracle there’s a hell of a lot more than I think there is, then we need to find out the age requirements for Florida’s senior communities because if it’s 65 for both people, we may as well stay here. I will not live in the mainstream ever again unless it’s out in the country like we are now. But there are no rural areas of Florida unless you want to live in the swamps with the alligators. No thanks! I would really rather stick with Jesse’s dogs and fleet of vehicles than add the car stereos and the screaming children to the mix.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2011 So much for thinking the exercise was giving me energy and stabilizing my moods.

First, there’s been no activity on Andy’s Formspring page at all. He hasn’t answered the daily questions or changed his background.

I know I shouldn’t laugh at Tom, but when you covered 3 miles between 3-4 MPH and burned 320 calories in an hour it’s hard not to when you see him walk for 20 minutes at 2.5 MPH, LOL.

I am really starting to look athletic - yes! Only problem is all I wanna do is eat. :(

And why have I been exhausted ever since my workout? Is it because of the extra half hour? PMS? Something else? I almost feel drugged. That’s part of why my entry’s so late today on top of having so much to do.

Over the last few days, I’ve had such wonderful chats with Nane and we have become immensely closer with the distance, you could say, even if I still doubt we’ll ever meet and it’s mostly just for fun.

What was funny was how shocked and amazed she was when I “saw” some things about “Jim” in my dreams. His age (49) and other things as well. Although she says he really seems to love her and she loves him, she did say she was flattered I seem to think I like her so much even though I don’t know her, she likes me a lot, I seem interesting, and am fun to swap messages with. In other words, she’s not as into me as I am into her, but that’s how it’s always been with the hotties that are with it. I still think, though, that if I were her only choice or she was alone and lonely and I was available to her she might go for me then if only for sex. Still not sure I could picture us in a relationship, though I can picture it just fine in my stories and my imagination.

It was so funny because yesterday she was like, what’s a DP? You and your abbreviations! LOL, I told her DP meant dream premonitions. Yeah, her and her Turkish, too!

Tom was laughing about it and suggested I don’t use that particular abbreviation because it’s a sex abbreviation.

“For what?” I asked him. “Dead pussy?”

Then he told me it stood for double penetration but I’ve never heard that one before, LOL.

Love how she said she read the review on my book and that she thinks she’ll order it. I wonder if she realizes it’s not a real book and that a friend of mine left the review after she bought a copy herself.

I asked her if today’s Germany visitor (missed by TIP) was her and she said no. The beginning of the month is when they’re at their busiest at work, so she didn’t have time to surf. So now I’m back to thinking the mystery Germany visitors aren’t her. If that’s true, then she’s only visited my blog twice.

I left a wall post saying Irene’s death toll was up to 43. She thought I was talking about her friend, LOL, just like I thought she was talking about her when she asked about Hurricane Irene. Anyway, she thought it was some game or something at first. Then she added that I probably knew how they met and that she was really cool to hang with in New York, but has changed a lot. I’m kind of surprised she left that on her wall and I wonder what she meant by it, though she did remove it later on. I asked in private but she hasn’t answered. And now it’s the weekend, so I don’t expect to hear from her till Monday unless Jim has the early shift again.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2011 I don’t want to get into any details yet, but Tom may have a job soon. And ironically it’s September. As I mentioned months ago, about a month after he got laid off last March I had a dream that he wouldn’t be back to work till September. It’s also ironic that the day after Nane said, “Maybe Tom will get a job tomorrow,” when she was telling me not to give up on life, he gets this interview.

It’s funny because not even a day after I threw his work shirts back into the bedroom closet to try to “jinx” things, and less than an hour after applying online, they called him for an interview. I just wish America would get off this trip of hiring the youngest person with the darkest skin first!

The job seems “perfectly shitty” enough for him, though, and totally the kind of job whatever’s up there would like for him to have, I would think since something’s so hell-bent on seeing that we remain forever poor. The job is close by and would be a permanent position, but it’s only part-time and wouldn’t pay well. It would be comparable to what we get from Unemployment. The government would still have to pay for our food. As Tom said, though, he’s become bitter toward the world, so why not let the government buy our food while he has more free time? I agree with him! If the government can give millions to other countries, why not float a couple hundred our way for food?

The weight is finally starting to come off! I’m losing inches faster than weight, but it’s slowly coming off. I feel so much better. Less sluggish/moody. Miss Teri sure was right in saying 30 minutes of working out would make a difference as opposed to 20 minutes. I asked her if going to an hour would make even more of a difference. I wasn’t sure since one’s body can make changes only so fast, but she said it would make a huge difference. Working my arms and abs adds a good half hour or so to my daily routine as well.

I think that once I got it through my sometimes thick head that no, you really can’t have certain foods, especially starch and sugar, it really helped. I try to stick to foods high in protein and have a lot of meat, fruits, veggies, eggs and a little dairy. Getting rid of that high-cal coffee creamer helped, too.

Thank God I love walking and running. If it bored me as much as bike riding I’d never get fit! I still have a lot of fat to kill, but I’ll kill it. :) It will just take several more months to do it.

There’s this Facebook application in German that Irene got me started on where you answer questions about your friends. I’ve done them in Spanish and Italian before. Not realizing it was putting it on people’s walls, I got a kick out of how Sharyn “liked” my “yes” answer to “Do I think Sharyn’s in love with me?” LOL, so I guess she knows a little German.

Jesse now wants the rent in cash, further evidence that he’s trying to hide the fortune he makes off of us to try to get on disability. That’s ok; I’d do the same thing. I just wish he’d start taking responsibility for his damn dogs when he’s not home. At least I should be asleep throughout tonight’s racket. :)

I won a book yesterday and if I don’t start winning more than piddly little crap here and there like I’ve been doing lately, I’m not renewing my sweeps subscription.

Seems like just yesterday I was waiting for summer to begin and now it’s September already. I hate September. Not as much as I did as a kid when it meant having to return to school, but I hate it because it’s the onslaught of cooler weather and half a year of one fucking holiday after another. :(

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