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musicarenagh · 2 years ago

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Listen To Stēvi M Narrate Her Come up Since the early stages of Stēvi M’s life, she found out music was an integral part of her life, she nurtured that craft to near perfection and she keeps getting better by the day. From the onset, she got hooked to music creation and hasn’t looked back since then. For years Stēvi M was doing live performances in opera and musical theatre, unfortunately, this journey was put on hold due to a voice injury, which made it very difficult for her to continue doing what she loved doing. She gravitated toward writing songs, songs that can stand the test of time and are mesmerizing. With time she was able to get back on track, she found her voice and has been sturdily moving up. Her vocal aspect makes listening to her intriguing and enchanting. In a recent interview with Mister Styx of Musicarenagh, Stēvi M shared some bits and pieces of her life, she touched on how her musical journey has been even after she lost her voice. She also shared the inspiration behind her latest single ‘Watch Me Go” Watch Me Go is a sexy, latin-inspired pop song that is about stepping out into your own personal power. The tango, rumba, and cha cha rhythms along with soaring strings, soulful vocals, and smooth rap break will take you from the club to the ballroom” says Stēvi M Get the full interview below while you enjoy Watch Me Go Follow Stēvi M on Facebook Spotify Soundcloud Youtube Instagram What is your stage name: Stēvi M Is there a story behind your stage name? Stevie has been my nickname for a long time. One time a Starbucks barista spelled it with just the I on my drink and I have loved it ever since! M is my last initial. Where do you find inspiration? I find a lot of inspiration from my spiritual journey. I am always working to be the most healed and whole version of myself. I tend to write about the lessons I learn along the way. This helps me and could also help others. Musically I get inspiration from amazing artists I have grown up listening to or artists who are doing great things now. For my newest song, Watch Me Go, I was inspired by my Ballroom dancing hobby I started last year. What was the role of music in the early years of your life? From the time I could talk I was singing. I used to play the Annie movie over and over and perform all of the songs. I am sure it was very annoying 😂. Growing up music was, in part, a refuge from the meanness of the kids in my school. It was a safe play space and a way to process some big emotions which can be hard for kids. Are you from a musical or artistic family? In many ways yes. My Biological Dad was a songwriter and self taught musician. I like to think he is helping me from the other side. Also, one grandparent on each side was also a good singer. Who inspired you to be a part of the music industry? For a long time I was a live performer in opera and musical theatre. In 2017 I had a voice injury that made it too hard to continue to do those things for the time being. In that time I had the chance to get quiet and I started writing more and more. I realized writing songs was such an integral part of me that I transitioned into being a recording artist and started releasing those songs. I am happy to say that I am feeling much better. How did you learn to sing/write/to play? I have sung since I was very little. I started voice lessons around 14 years old. I am mostly self taught on the keyboard, though I did take class piano in college. Writing was something I started doing at around age 12. I started experimenting with telling stories with melodies and writing some bad pop and showtunes. Little by little they got better and better. What was the first concert that you ever went to and who did you see perform? The first one I remember was my parents took me to see Neil Diamond when I was about 8. I had a fun time but didn’t really vibe with the music. He is a legend, it just wasn’t for me at

the time. How could you describe your music? I would describe my music as empowering pop music with a flair for the retro and/or the dramatic. [caption id="attachment_48489" align="alignnone" width="720"] I would describe my music as empowering pop music with a flair for the retro and/or the dramatic.[/caption] Describe your creative process. I usually start with the message or topic of the song. I do some free writing or “brain dumping” about the topic. Somewhere along the way something catchy will come to me and I will build on it. I write a lot when I am in the car or before I go to sleep. I also love to co-write because then we get to feed off each other’s energy and take the best of both/all of us. What is your main inspiration? My main inspiration is my commitment to what I believe is my soul’s purpose, which is helping people to know their own worth and to love themselves. Self-love is the most selfless thing you can do because when you are strong and fulfilled, you have so much to give to this world. What musician do you admire most and why? There are so any amazing artists that I admire more than words can express. Right now the ones that come to mind are Adele, Lady Gaga, Lizzo, Michael Jackson, Cindy Lauper, Mariah Carey, Lauren Hill, Whitney Houston, Stevie Wonder, the list goes on. What I love about these artists (and more) is their authenticity and their commitment to being who they are and saying what they have to say, and using their amazing talent to do it. Did your style evolve since the beginning of your career? Well, considering I thought I was going to be an opera singer, yes! Pop music is my first love but I let a lot of limiting beliefs get into my head. Growing up there were a lot of unfair standards put on young pop singers in terms of their image. I wanted no part of that, so I sought to find ways to play characters and portray many different identities, so that off stage I could just be me, whatever that meant at the time. Who do you see as your main competitor? My main competitor is that voice in my head who tells me to be “realistic.” That voice can take a whole seat. I do not compete against other artists. What is meant for us will not pass us by. What are your interests outside of music? I love to dance and do other creative things like make jewelry. I also am very spiritual and love to meditate and work with energy. If it wasn't a music career, what would you be doing? Probably something else artistic and expressive. Maybe a dancer, or artist, or a reiki practitioner?? What is the biggest problem you have encountered in the journey of music? My biggest obstacle has been finding the time and resources to do all of the creative projects I want to do, and then finding the time to get them to the right people. I am always working on these things. If you could change one thing in the music industry, what would it be? The beauty standard. Why did you choose this as the title of this project? Watch Me Go is about me finding my personal power enough to just be myself and do what I want to do, even when people say I can’t. I used Ballroom as my inspiration because it was never something I thought I would do well at and I surprised myself by winning one of my school’s competitions. What are your plans for the coming months? I plan to finish a couple more tracks for an upcoming EP., write some more, and I would love to see this song in a reality show or commercial. Do you have any artistic collaboration plans? I am collaborating on 2 tracks right now with some very talented people. More on that in the coming months. What message would you like to give to your fans? If you take nothing else from me, I want you to know that you are worthy of everything you ever wanted and so much more. Knowing your worth changes everything. People are well meaning but their words are often discouraging. You don’t have to receive those words! If you feel strongly about your vision and purpose, go do it! You will f

ind a way. Your own way. If you need encouragement hit me up!

#Music #ANTHEMIC #COMMERCIALPOP #DANCE #FEMALEVOCALS #HIPHOP #INTERVIEWBYStēviM #LATIN #LATINPOP #MALEVOCALS #POP #rap #StēviM #StēviMINTERVIEW #StēviMLATESTINTERVIEW #USBASED #USRAP #WATCHMEGO #WATCHMEGOBYStēviM

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bloodybells1 · 4 years ago

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ON SCORDATURA

When I was eighteen, I was really into heavy metal and had been practicing the electric guitar for four years. I was devoted to music theory and looked up to guitarists like Steve Vai. I played loudly and fast, emulating the popular style of playing when heavy metal was at its apex of popularity. You might say that I was a “shredder.”

My passion for technique took an unexpected turn, however, when I became fascinated by the classical guitar. I don’t exactly remember when it hit me, the inspiration to explore this type of playing. It might’ve been born from reading the name of Andres Segovia in the magazine interviews of my favorite guitarists. (Also, I listened to a lot of Jethro Tull, and the intro to one of his songs is a quotation of a popular classical guitar score by Bach, the “Bourée in E Minor.” I started teaching it to myself by ear, but soon realized I needed help adjusting to the new technique).

One day I made the decision that I wanted to take the plunge into the classical world. I purchased a cheap nylon string, looked for a tutor and, once I found one in Chapel Hill, NJ, I started taking lessons and practicing every day.

I was enthralled by the new possibilities in this style of playing. I was discovering a wealth of textures and styles I’d had no previous idea about. My parents had not listened to classical music, so all of this was foreign to me. But I fell in love with the genre all the same.

I loved how old this practice was, how its provenance dated back to before there was electricity. I loved the deceptive simplicity of paper scores, how the mere act of sight-reading might open up varied worlds of expression, limited only by the player’s willingness to learn the technique and the player’s ability to perform.

My tutor included Renaissance lute scores in his homework for me. These scores contained instructions for alternative tuning arrangements of the strings. This changes the whole grid of the fretboard. Each string has been tightened or loosened to different notes, so all the note relationships are changed. If you wanted to play the same material you would have to relearn it with new fingerings.

But that wasn’t the point. The scordatura was designed to make available new sonorities. These lute pieces dating back to the Renaissance had a “harpier” texture, with open notes ringing out in different keys and mixtures of notes in registers I didn’t often hear in guitar music with traditional tuning. It was rather exotic, like the simple act of turning a screw on a taut string had turned this plain old Spanish guitar into some new, esoteric instrument.

My experience with classical guitar, and specifically the scordatura my tutor taught me, was a factor later in life when I played bass guitar professionally in the mid 2000’s. Not only do I think that it made me flexible enough to feel confident learning to play another stringed instrument, but it also influenced my tuning. I utilized what’s called Drop D tuning, a simple type of scordatura that lowers the heaviest string by two notes. It gives you two extra lower notes you wouldn’t normally have with the standard tuning—where the lowest note is E.

Heavy metal guitarists love this tuning because of how much heavier it makes the music sound and because it ends up making power chord configurations a one-finger job instead of two, and you can play those heavy power chord riffs much more quickly with just one finger.

Drop D was useful to me, however, because of how it enabled me to interact with the songwriting. My band’s music was dark and a lot of the songs were in D minor. So having a lower D available permitted me to create pedal tones and deeper support functions for chords and textures that were already using that scale a lot. It added depth and character to the music because of this sort of flexible shadow figure moving around underneath the guitars and the keyboards.

I had a profound experience with scordatura later in 2014, while I was in acting school. One of our school productions was a kind of fantasia on Nabokov’s Pale Fire. The novel is already a bit of a fantasia itself, so the production was very post-modern.

The director, Alex Harvey, staged it brilliantly. One of his ideas was that my character would play passages on the piano between scenes. The score was from a series called Revelation by composer Michael Harrison.

Harrison had contrived a bespoke scordatura for the score. An assistant, a specialist who could interpret unconventional concert pieces like these, was hired to transform the school’s simple upright Yamaha, an instrument more often used as accompaniment for students singing from the American Songbook, into a piece of avant-garde machinery.

I had already begun learning some of the passages before the piano had been prepared. They sounded ok, but not extraordinary. Once the tuner was finished and the specific tuning had been accomplished, however, I began learning the pieces in earnest and it was, well, it was a revelation.

Harrison’s scordatura was wild. Some keys adjacent to each other were tuned only fractionally sharper than their predecessor on the keyboard, thereby creating a tonal cloud or wash between the two that sounded a little like an untuned guitar, but in a shimmery, beautiful way. Other keys were tuned a whole fifth from their predecessor, thereby jumping up very far between two adjacent keys. The two extremities canceled each other out to create a distinct sense of balance and harmony, a kind of timbral mist floating in the ether.

As I worked on the score I had a sense that I didn’t know what was happening. It was difficult for me to anticipate and conceptualize the piano with this exotic construction. Yet, reading through the score and performing it, the idea was actualized. A whole new musical sensibility was borne out of this tuning. It was thrilling to put into action such a strange and beautiful arrangement.

What would a trumpet sound like if one could alternate its tuning? It’s a ridiculous notion: it would require bending metal, destroying the instrument in the process. Scordatura is likewise impossible for woodwinds. Ditto, percussion. A timpani, the most obvious exception, is in fact quite flexible and can even be tuned during performance. The percussionist puts their ear to the skin and lightly taps so as to enable them to change the tuning without disturbing the performance of other orchestra members. But you can’t do that with, say, tubular bells.

Stringed instruments and the piano are different than all the other instruments. The oscillators, the strings themselves, are adjustable. Coupled with the fact of their polyphony, it’s plain why these instruments, especially the piano, are so popular. They are great adapters. They can be brought back to their mean and reset for future use in other circumstances. The ubiquity of these instruments, across genres, in barrooms and conservatories alike, is explained by their ability to avail themselves.

And what about the voice? How supple are the cords? Can they be stretched or loosened like the strings of a guitar? Is there a scordatura possible for the human vocal mechanism?

It’s debatable: vocal training, primarily through work in breathing, does fortify ones range by bolstering the lower and upper parts of the register with more support. But your vocal cords are your vocal cords. Even on a guitar, you can’t detune the strings too much. It affects the timbre: the fretboard is designed with a natural state of tension and that string that is being detuned is only thick enough to perform in a certain range before the slackening of the string makes it flap against the fretboard—or before the tightening warps the fretboard.

Vocal cords are similar in this way. Just like with a guitar, once you start “detuning” your voice, you invite corruption of the sound. Your voice cracks when you try to go too low.

When Olivier tackled Othello he tried to lower his voice through vocal training. Obviously, considering all of the other garish and offensive effects—the blackface, the funny walk, the stupid dialect—he should’ve known better than to engage in minstrelsy, but he also should’ve known about the corruption of his voice. Not all instruments have that level of flexibility.

He should’ve known that not everything is available.

What about the human being itself? Can it be construed as an instrument? one that might likewise permit a certain scordatura?

My feeling is that in this case the change is permanent. And, like with a trumpet, one risks destruction. The human being is not a stringed instrument.

I can attest to a certain kind of “permanent” scordatura of the body and mind. It was possible for me to “detune” myself, but it was a commitment to a new state. I won’t ever be able to “go back” to my original tuning. It involved deep structural shifts and I came close to collapse—and in fact did collapse—many times. The instrument—the body and the mind—was constantly at risk of crumbling and warping under the stress of the transformation. Slackening a string is one thing. Shortening or elongating a valve is another.

What is therapy but a type of spiritual scordatura? The patient comes in with a limitation in place and leaves with that “bar” set somewhere else. Thresholds are repositioned. Pain that was once unbearable can be stomached. New life experiences are permitted because the mind has been opened to their possibilities. It is a fact that the change is permanent, but after we recognize the evolution we would never want to “detune” back to where we were.

I have a long history with therapy and it is without question the source of all of the appetite for change that I’ve experienced. In teaching me about healing, it motivated me to seek out other forms of healing. I credit it with helping me gain acceptance to the prestigious MFA program in Acting which I entered in 2012 at NYU, the beginning of three years wherein this process of permanent scordatura would be hastened.

I had many illnesses. Some would find treatment through the program’s vast assortment of exercise techniques addressing body misalignment and spiritual imbalance. Yoga classes, Feldenkrais, Alexander technique, chakra work, these were all deployed to “tune” the bodies in class.

Voice and speech exercises as well helped bring awareness of lifelong limits, expressed through the mouth and in the breath. It was unnerving to encounter these intimate facts about how one walks, how one talks, how one moves, how one breathes.

Most people would never submit themselves to this level of scrutiny. A fellow alumnus with additional experience in the military often jokes that an MFA at NYU Grad Acting is actually more oppressive than boot camp because at least in boot camp you let your anger and hostility grant you relief—you can growl and yawp and hunch over and adapt to battlefields—whereas actors, despite undergoing similar rounds of abuse, must look smooth and collected and relaxed in order to perform well on stage. It really was a double whammy of having my being constantly interrogated in various invasive manners, all while being denied any permission to sublimate the tension.

I had my own motivations to undergo this training. I was desperate to have a classical training in the theatre. But I was also subconsciously motivated towards healing. Despite the horrors of these ordeals, the modalities that are therewith deployed are part of a healing experience that, having undergone them, I wouldn’t trade for anything. Had I known what I was getting myself into beforehand, I don’t know that I would’ve jumped in the pool. But I’m glad I didn’t know because I cherish the experience.

I had a problem with keeping my mouth only partially open which our singing teacher was constantly bringing my attention towards. She had taught me that this was a defense mechanism, a strategy of containment, a means of keeping the world from having access to my heart. (Of course, keeping your mouth closed is also a problem for sound projection on stage, but that’s more technical).

During one afternoon class, singing “Lonely Room” from Oklahoma, I broke down into tears as the teacher kept coaxing me to open my mouth more and more. There I was, a man pushing 40, with tears streaming down his eyes, opening his mouth wide, not even singing the words, just the vowels, but doing something that was so psychically threatening, something that I could never bring myself to do, something simple, like opening a mouth. The limit had been expanded.

There was an element of bodily restructuring to all of this as well. I had done a number on my body during those years of my professional musicianship, when I toured the world in a famous band. And so by this point, I was aware that a shift was needed from the effects of years spent in front of cameras and abusing drugs and traveling and losing sleep. Alice Miller’s book, The Body Keeps the Score, is instructive in this regard. Somatization of traumas explain a great deal of certain physical ailments. In my case, they played out structurally, on my bones and on my muscles and in my central nervous system.

These changes are subtle to the layperson. But they are profound for the student. When I look at how I held my body in old photos, it is obvious to me that there was something wrong. On the stage, with a heavy instrument hanging from my shoulder, it wasn’t perceptible. The lights and the postures have a way of masking the truth. But in the more candid and private shots—the Polaroids and the exposures from my disposable camera which my friends and I took in our apartments—I see evidence of a lot of tension. Shoulders crept upwards towards my ears; chest muscles held; an exploded solar plexus; a chin pointing up. It was a mixture of a lot of holding, a lot of somatization in the fibers, with a learned posture organized to communicate the persona I wanted everyone to see: a demiurge or rockstar.

I came into grad school as though off an assembly line, where the factory had riveted and hammered onto my body and psyche its lessons. It was a capitalistic factory but it was also a societal one, one that bore the hallmarks of the dogged problems which elude solution: childhood trauma, dog-eat-dog meritocracy, bullying, etc.

So now I was this product getting recalled, but I was going to another factory for refurbishment. One that also had rivets and hammers, but ones which were designed to break open the right parts.

I stretched and stretched. By the end of the three years I was essentially exiting with a new body. The myth about the seven year cellular regeneration in one’s body is instructive here. For it truly was the case that new grooves in my brain and muscular and skeletal patterns had taken hold. One of my teachers said during my final evaluation that I had come in to school looking like a clothes hangar with legs but that I now looked graceful.

Even my scoliosis—a condition I was born with and which I will contend with for the rest of my life—was discovered in acting school. I had had no idea about it before one of the teachers told me that I persisted in leaning downwards to my right. My spine curves in the shape of a sidewards C. It’s a genetic condition. Of course, hanging a ten-pound instrument off my shoulder and letting the weight pull me down to the ground so that I could look cool every night didn’t really help either.

The modalities in the movement and vocal training classes in acting school are designed to build awareness and flexibility in the body and the mind. The purpose of this is to permit the actor to be resilient enough on stage so as to be present and believable. So it has a practical purpose and a real-world application.

I had other problems which these modalities could not fix, but which their steady application, encouraging honesty and reflection, revealed. There were addictions and mental illness issues which I’d had no idea about before entering grad school but which were inflamed by the pressure inside. I then had to deal with them. Immediately, since they threatened the goal of getting my MFA.

The cocaine abuse of my years in the music industry haunted me in the form of paralyzing panic attacks and circadian disruptions which complicated my ability to perform in school. The years spent pursuing rampant and anonymous sexual congress created inappropriate obsessiveness with orgasms and romance. Naturally, given that my peers were all considerably younger than I was, this last part wasn’t all that abnormal. But it interfered nonetheless. I was no spring chicken but I was acting like one. I had to double down on sex addiction meetings and on therapy.

It all came to a head inside the cloistered walls of the conservatory. It came to a head when Alex Harvey, the director of the Nabokov rendition, had to massage my shoulders backstage as I collapsed in tears during one of many nervous breakdowns. It came to a head when in a movement class, during an unfamiliar physical exploration, an early painful memory of abandonment that had long been forgotten had been recalled and sent me to the floor sobbing.

I’m grateful that I had the means to address the issues. I had to juggle that with the demands of the curriculum. It was not easy. But I’m proud of my accomplishment and I’m proud of the new person this all made me become.

It is possible to “detune.” I think a better way of looking at it is “retuning.” It is a permanent scordatura and it therefore should not be taken lightly.

#conservatory #scordatura #alternativetuning #movementclass #voiceclass #mfa #nyu #nyugradacting #feldenkrais #yoga #alexander technique stretch and breath classes #classical guitar #heavy metal #dropd #renaissance #michael harrison #alex harvey #revelation

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callmeblake · 5 years ago

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Frank Iero, New York, NY, June 2019 (X)

Aug 29, 2019, 09:10am

Frank Iero May Just Be His Own Puppet Master

Photo Credit: Audrey Lew

Interview below the cut

Derek Scancarelli

Contributor

Hollywood & Entertainment

I am a music journalist living in New York City.

Frank Iero is breathing deeply and fighting off nausea. This isn’t uncommon for the 37-year-old guitarist and vocalist, given his predilection for debilitating anxiety. But on this occasion, it isn’t pre-show jitters.

“Oh my god, I hate this f*cking boat,” Iero says, as the docked vessel on which he sits knocks against a pier in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Iero and his band, The Future Violents, just finished an intimate Saturday matinee show as fans sweat, sang and caught a glimpse of the Statue of Liberty.

It had been about 16 years since Iero and his now defunct band, My Chemical Romance (the band broke up in 2013), first performed on water. In July of 2002, the band released its debut album, I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love. In October of 2003, the soon-to-be emo heroes performed alongside New York Hardcore legends Sick Of It All at an aquatic gig booked by New Jersey college radio station WSOU. And in June of 2004, My Chemical Romance released Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, the band’s platinum-selling breakthrough record. In a matter of two years, Iero’s life changed dramatically.

In 2019, Iero still hasn’t found his sea legs, but a lot more has changed. He’s fathered three children, released three full-length solo records (including 2019’s Barriers), and survived a near-death experience. And as he gets older, he finds truth in life’s greatest clichés.

“Time flies, it just screams by,” Iero says. “You think you’re appreciating the time, but it’s easy to take it for granted. It’s a shame.”

But Iero is trying his hardest to pay attention to the little things, especially when it comes to family. He and his wife, Jamia, have three children together: nine-year-old twin daughters, Cherry and Lily, and a seven-year-old son named Miles.

“It’s wonderful to see them evolve and come into their own,” Iero says. “But it’s funny how personalities are innate. We shape the way they experience things or teach them the ropes, but for the most part, I’ve found that we are who we are when we’re born.”

From the start, Iero has seen an even split in the twins’ personalities. Cherry, he says, most behaves like her mother, whereas Lily possesses her father’s attitude.

“Some of the sh*t I hear coming out of my daughter's mouth,” Iero says laughing. “My God! It’s stuff I think but never say — they don't know to be ashamed yet! It's amazing and honest and pure. And I know exactly where she's coming from because I feel the same way.”

As part of fostering a relationship of trust and honesty, Iero has been age-appropriately transparent with his kids about the 2016 accident that almost killed him, his brother-in-law and guitarist Evan Nestor and his manager Paul Clegg.

While unloading gear from their van in Sydney, Australia, a city bus crashed into the group and their vehicle. In a 2017 interview with MTV, Iero recounted, in vivid detail, the moment he was dragged underneath the bumper of the bus, the screams of his brother-in-law, and the blood pooling from his manager.

Although Iero was able to walk into an ambulance carrying one of his friends, the scene was a spectacle overrun with emergency personnel — they even landed a rescue helicopter in nearby Hyde Park. Despite serious injuries, amazingly, there were no fatalities.

When Iero returned home from the hospital, he explained to his children that he was in a car accident, but that it was a singular freak incident.

“You don't want to lie,” he says. “They're getting older. Their friends and their parents are on the internet. They're asking questions. It does get back to them.”

Iero was as honest as possible, but avoided any gory details. He was also conscious that it wouldn’t be long before he would travel for work again — and he didn’t want to scare his kids any further.

Almost four years later, residual damage from the crash is impossible to ignore. Nestor has nerve damage in his leg that may never be corrected. Clegg’s leg and knee have undergone multiple surgeries, but are in poor shape. And Iero still has a tear in his shoulder that hurts every time he plays the guitar. Despite the pain, he’s afraid to undergo surgery.

“I was lucky enough to walk away and still play,” Iero says. “If I were to test fate again and go under the knife, if something were to go wrong… to let that be taken from me … no, I can't.”

On some days, the emotional toll of surviving such a traumatic accident weighs more heavily. Iero describes his recovery as non-linear: some days he feels collected and in control, other days the memory rushes back into his mind.

After his new band finished recording Barriers, Iero and his team went back to Australia for appointments pertaining to the accident and corresponding litigation. As soon as he exited the plane, Iero felt like he’d returned to the horrific scene. For the following week, he was barraged by an unending state of panic.

“You go through these instances of PTSD,” he says. “You never know what's going to trigger and send you all the way back to the beginning with recovery.”

Iero greatly underestimated how difficult his return to Australia would be. When navigating to a doctor’s office near where the accident occurred, he couldn’t bring himself to walk down the street. And suddenly, he felt surrounded by buses.

“I don't know if this is true,” he says. “But it felt like every other car on the street was one of these f*cking buses. They were everywhere. It was frightening. I couldn't do anything. I was shaking like a leaf.”

Despite the traumatic flashbacks, Iero continues to reflect on that day. In the promotional run for Barriers, he discussed the accident at length. And on the record itself, he addresses the complicated ripple effect it’s had on his entire sense of self.

“I don't think it needs to define me,” Iero says. “But it was something I needed to talk about on this record. It's not something I could sweep under the rug. But do I want to dwell on it every day and relive it? No. But I think about it constantly. I feel the pain constantly. It's on my mind.”

In recent interviews, Iero has tended to frame a few philosophical takeaways from his ordeal. In simple terms, the first idea is that he’s found a new lease on life — that everything happens for a reason and he’s been given an opportunity to seize the day. The second philosophy is much darker, a sort of survivor’s guilt compounded with fear and existential dread. The third and most abstract consideration is closest to Simulation Theory — where Iero has the ability to control his own artificial timeline.

Sometimes, Iero questions if actually died that day. He wonders: Is this all real?

“It’s hard. No one can tell you what to believe,” he says. “But you come to this realization, ‘Well, this is real to me, the hand I was dealt, so I have to make the best of it!’”

Through the acceptance of uncertainty, Iero surmises that he just may be his own puppet master.

“If this is a figment of my imagination,” Iero says. “If this is all in my head, then I am the master of my own destiny. If I want to do something, I can manufacture it. And if it's not the case, then at least it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe putting positive vibes out into the universe is beneficial. If we didn't make it and we're just going through this weird labyrinth in my mind, I can do anything I want.”

And lately, he’s been doing just that. Call it sorcery or the power of positive thinking, but Iero is motivated. For Barriers, he was able to assemble a dream band, The Future Violents (different lineups of his backing band have previously gone by The Cellabration and The Patience), featuring his brother-in-law Nestor on guitar, Thursday’s Tucker Rule on drums, Murder by Death’s Matt Armstrong on bass, and Kayleigh Goldsworthy on keyboard.

The theme of the album — and his own internal dialogue — mostly relates to tragedy and timing. Did the universe have a course set out for him? Or was he just some random victim?

“The crazy thing is that you didn't do anything wrong,” Iero says of the accident. “Yet, all of this stuff was taken from you and you have to make these decisions. You get angry a lot.”

He continues: “These random, abrupt, violent actions. Do they happen to us? Or for us? I wouldn't have been able to make this record if it didn't happen. And it made me realize a lot of things about myself. Am I happy it happened? No. But I'm happy where I am right now.”

Iero views Barriers as an exercise in vulnerability. If the aftermath of his accident taught him anything, it’s that success was meaningless to his character, but adversity helped him grow. For the first time, addressing childhood trauma helped Iero expose himself in a way that felt freeing.

“When you put something to song, it gives that memory weight,” Iero explains. “If you never talk about it, it's almost like it didn't happen. There's a fine line between relinquishing that power to this memory, situation or trauma, or holding that power over it and creating your own narrative from it.”

Barriers also intertwines Iero’s childhood experiences with his current perspective as a father. This go around, he felt comfortable writing about his parents’ divorce — the couple split when he was three and divorced when he was seven.

He looks back on the unpleasantness of the process and his consequential understanding of his mother’s issues with addiction, depression and mental illness. On his 2016 record, Parachutes, Iero first referenced his mother’s struggles and his own liability to inherit her traits. He’s still horrified by the idea of predeterminism.

“When you're a young kid being surrounded with it, it doesn't feel right,” Iero says. “You're not happy. You're scared. You're constantly concerned for your parent. It’s almost as if you become the caregiver.”

He continues: “Then you see yourself falling into these patterns that you were witness to and maybe in a roundabout way were taught. That addiction, that depression, runs through you. It's easy to fall off that cliff. I don't want that for my kids and I need to stop this cycle. Like this sh*t stops with me. Whether it be I get okay, or I f*cking turn my lights out.”

It’s this sort of tongue-in-cheek use of concerning language that keeps Iero’s fanbase enthralled, yet somewhat on edge. Take for example, in the comment section for his video “Young & Doomed,” some diehard fans are troubled by his repeated use of the words “hurt myself again.” While he’s surprised to hear about the response, he counters that the record is ultimately meant to feel uplifting and positive, even if addressing dark topics.

“I don't think that we should strive for perfection,” Iero says. “This idea that we should all have this perfect life and be pretty and purse our lips to post a picture on social media is bullsh*t. The things that make us unique are important.”

He continues: “Sometimes we're our own worst enemies and we hurt ourselves. Those scars, though, are important. They're beautiful. ‘Young And Doomed’ is a call to arms to celebrate the things people think are wrong with us.”

Now, Iero just hopes his story and music inspire fans to try, fail and try again.

“You don't find out who you are unless you get a scar and get hurt,” Iero says. “You should be hurt, hurt other people, and learn that it feels terrible to hurt someone else. You should feel sorry for it and make amends for it. These are important lessons to be a better person. You find out who you truly are by attacking things that scare you the most.”

Frank Iero is currently touring Europe with Laura Jane Grace & The Devouring Mothers.

#frank iero #august 2019 #forbes #audrey lew #red eagle shirt #all blue #october 2019 #bus crash #navy blue tiger windbreaker

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hideyholejournal · 3 years ago

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Journal entry #1

August 8 2021

I haven’t written in my journal for months now, mostly because I filled my pretty purple journal and I now don’t have the spare money to buy a new one. It doesn’t help that I’m really picky about what it looks like. A large motivator for me to suffer cramp wrist was how pretty the damn thing was so I’ve decided to start an online journal. That way I won’t have to hand write and the clacks of my keyboard will be my new, and much less pricey, motivator.

A lot has happened since I’ve last written anything so this first one will be pretty long. I’ll go by chronological event instead of important news first so that it will be easier for me to look back on my memories. Assuming this hell site is still running by then, of course.

To start, my sister finally married her fiancé after nearly four years of engagement. Apparently the main hold up was the family = The mothers, mostly = insisting that they not elope in Vegas like they wished to do. I kind of wish they had just defied everyone but alas, the wedding was on.

It wasn’t a large wedding, just a backyard shindig with immediate family and a few childhood friends. Still, the party afterward was very fun. It was really hot that day so everyone drank more than they meant to, including me. It marked the third time that I have ever gotten drunk and only reconfirmed that, while I don’t mind being a tiny bit tipsy, getting drunk is not my idea of fun. Every time I’ve been drunk has been a near tears experiences. I just don’t like the feeling At All.

Thankfully, everyone was generally friendly and there was no fighting between the Jones Girls (Fake Name For Privacy). There was a bit of a close call with this boy my sister was trying to set me up with. I swear Jennifer (FNFP) thinks I’m the female version of some angry know-it-all R/Smart dude because those are the type of people she says I’m like or that I’ll get along with.

Side rant: Why is it that my mother and sister spent Years complaining that I hated them because I never really talked to them or shared my opinion but as soon as I start to speak up I became a political raging machine in their eyes. It does not matter how nicely I try to speak or how much I control my tone they will always act as if me demanding basic human decency is too much for them to handle.

Anyway, the dude seemed nice enough at first, plus he was my type of attractive which was extra nice, but as the night wore on little things started annoying me more and more. For example: My niece started talking about how “They” found aliens. She believed this due to a UFO citing she’d heard about. Unfortunately, Augustus or whatever his name was, got high and mighty and started lecturing a Ten Year Old about what UFO meant and how if aliens were ever found the world would lose their collective minds.

Newsflash dude, no ones gonna think you’re cool because you crushed a little girls fun because you had to be the smartest person at the children's table. (Us Kind Of But Not Adults got put on Babysitting Duty) Like sure, educate the children on what UFO means but don’t draw some doomsday picture for an audience of ten and under. Children want to explore and imagine new worlds where everything is possible. In fact, this is a part of their development. Don’t crush any hint of imagination because it doesn’t fit your cynical idea of the world.

After that incident I had no interest in seeing him after the wedding but my options for interaction during were limited so I continued being friendly. The music was turned on a little after food and while I am very much Not a dancer I still enjoy doing it. Unfortunately, I only knew half of the people at the wedding and only two others were in my age range. As a result I had to go around begging people to dance with me. Augustus was staunch in his stand to never dance at weddings and I stopped asking after the first few times (At first I thought he was just shy about his skill level but then he seemed to get annoyed and I left it alone.) But his brother, despite not really wanting to dance overly much, was kind enough to join me.

In-between dancing I would migrate back to the two brother and ask them random questions to pass the time. I’m not the most social person but in the last few years I’ve been trying to push myself to put myself out there more, asking odd questions has become a fallback in social settings. My favourite to ask is “If you could change the colour of the sky what would it be and why?.” Both brothers said blue because that’s just what the colour is but of course Augustus had to explain why the sky was blue to me. Ugh.

Eventually, we got onto the topic of religion and I informed Augustus that I was a Hellenistic Pagan. Augustus took this as an opportunity to rant about how all religions are just money grabbing schemes, and continued with this after I explained that there isn’t really a church or temple or anything for Hellenistic Pagan’s so there really wasn’t anyone I was giving my money to. Soon after this he said that he just wanted to “Vibe” with the music and not play my questions game. So I left.

I tried not to be offended that we really didn’t connect but the entire situation brought old feelings of inadequacy. I just always feel like I’m too much or not enough in most situations, like I either feel everything all at once or I’m numb all day and I either talk a mile a minute or I can barely force words past my lips. It sucks.

It didn’t help that when my uncle came over to asked why I wasn’t with Augustus he said that I couldn’t ask weird question's about the sky because it “Makes you look like some deranged girl”.

The night got better after I moped for a bit but I didn’t talk to Augustus again. On the bright side, my uncle's girlfriend taught me how to two-step and I had a lot of fun white girl dancing to the fast songs. My only dance move is to swing my hips and bounce around. I think I might see about taking some dance classes to work on my coordination.

I think I’ll end this entry here. There’s a lot more to write but I’ll leave it for later

Bye

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wild-aloof-rebel · 5 years ago

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Since things are tough right now, if you don't mind sharing, what are some things that happened in 2019 that made you happy?

i’m always down for sharing some happiness. i’ll even throw in some pictures because why not. let’s see...

took a relaxing trip to maine with my besties, where we spent the days writing fic and eating lobster and finding lighthouses hidden in the woods and watching sunrises and sunsets out on the cove at our adorable little airbnb. went home to new orleans and saw family and friends i hadn’t seen in years, had a long and indulgent brunch with my favorite aunt, spent an afternoon window shopping on magazine street, ate poboys and gumbo and beignets and thought a lot about the ways that food becomes part of who we are.

visited friends in seattle where we took ferry rides and went hiking at mt rainier and got high on a boat and took an italian for her first ever visit to an olive garden. spent the summer drinking aperol spritzes and going to concerts and doing lots of writing at my favorite local park while staring at the mountains. got a chance to hang out with my nieces and nephew who live 1200 miles away.

^ this. started this blog. taught myself how to gif. published 78k words of fic. spent a day shopping in the rain with bea and karin and claire. went to four up close and personal shows (and cried at every single one of them lol). crocheted myself a hat with cashmere yarn i bought from romni in goodwood. decided to start a podcast. had a happy cry in the motel parking lot in orangeville. spent hours watching episodes with julie. just generally got to know lots of lovely people because of this fandom.

had a bob ross paint-along party. checked out tons of local events with my work friends--chili cook-offs, a food truck competition, restaurant week, great american beer fest, a st patty’s day pub crawl complete with green beer at my fav local brewery and then way too many irish car bombs. ALL the trivia nights. jumped in a bouncy castle with my boss and coworkers at a children’s birthday party. met a friend’s tortoise. laughed like a fool while playing songs on a keyboard that made cat sounds.

dyed my hair pink and purple for pride month. went to my first rockies game. set a record for the fastest escape at a local escape room. won my fantasty football league. took long, luxurious baths. stopped at voodoo doughnuts every time i was out that direction. decorated my new office. took two of my coworkers on their first trip to ikea. made friends with the guy who works at culvers and is always there when we come in for happy hour. bought way too many pairs of glasses. drove around with the windows down, singing as loud as i could. played in the snow. as often as possible, stopped and appreciated all of the things that happened in my life to bring me to exactly where i am right now.

#anon #replies #please don't reblog since there are pics of my face thx #i got your follow up ask saying i could include 2020 things in here #but i liked the challenge of remembering what all happened last year #but you're right that good things have happened this year as well #long post

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philautiathegreat · 4 years ago

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🥺🌼💕 get to know your mutuals!! when you get this, it means someone wants to know more about you, so list 5 things about yourself you want your followers to know. they can be as simple as your age or as complex as your deepest fear, as long as it’s something you’re comfortable with sharing. when you’re done, send this to 10 people you want to get to know better!! 🥺🌼💕

omg thank u so much for sending this 🥺🥺 <3<3<3

1. my favourite artist is mitski! something abt her music just hits... REALLY DIFFERENT. so, so different. my favourite album of hers is bury me at make out creek, and first love/late spring is my fav song of all time. i constantly tune my guitar to open D (her preferred tuning) and just have a mitski jam session lmao! honestly a thing on my bucket list is to SCREAM DRUNK WALK HOME at the top of my lungs. like, kinda wanna take my guitar into an open field and just YELL! absolutely wreck my throat! i feel like that would be very cathartic!!! singing my body’s made of crushed little stars is already so GOOD FOR MY SOUL, like, it feels as if a weight is being taken off of my shoulders every time. (I WORK BETTER UNDER A DEADLINEEEEE I WORK BETTER UNDER A DEADLINEEE I PICK AN AGE WHEN IM GONNA DISAPPEAARRRRRRRRRR UNTIL THEN I CAN TRY AGAINNNN) i can’t even imagine what it would be like to SCREAM drunk walk home GAH i love one (1) woman! i’m so glad i found her and i have her music in my life now, it means so much to me!

2. speaking of music and musical instruments, i have 4 instruments in my room:

i have a keyboard, a roland 3-500, that is my maternal grandpa’s. i don’t play the piano, but i know some basic chords and a few easy songs and musical pieces (like the first part of fur elise lol yes cliché but so fun!), but i love singing and playing anyway.

i have a concert ukulele, a mahalo mh2vna, called maria madalena that my dad bought for me when i was 15 and she was my PRIDE AND JOY for so long. she’s my go-to when i wanna have some fun alone without much effort, bc the concert uke is probs the instrument i know the most chords in.

i have a baritone ukulele, an ortega RU5CE-BA, that i got because i was highkey obsessed with dodie for a while, and i love him. his name is flávio teodósio augusto (yes thats emperor theodosius’s name in portuguese... he deserves it...) and he has a BUTTERFLYYY on him! wonderful! also a go-to!

lastly, i have an electric guitar, an ibanez GRG140 GIO, that my paternal grandfather got me for my 18th birthday! her name is andromeda, andy for short. im not great at the guitar, and she constantly has problems with the cable tbh but i love her. i’ll never be able to play solos and hard stuff, especially bc i’m self taught at everything music related, but she’s good fun for a bedroom mitski session.

3. if you like astrology, here are my placements: aquarius sun, gemini moon, cancer rising, aquarius mercury, aquarius venus, and aries mars. those are all the ones i know by heart sidfhdfusdhsdif!! do with them what you will.

4. despite being (apparently, this is a surprise to me too,) interested in astrology, i don’t rly believe it??? like, not wholeheartedly. sorry to my friend lena she deserves better BUT i can never really bring myself to believe in this kind of stuff. i have a really complicated relationship with anything spiritual? i’m a pretty pessimistic person, so the idea of there being any kind of magic in the world just sounds too good to be true. (why do i feel like lena’s gonna read this and tell me this is such an aquarius/gemini moon thing to say??? why?) have you seen this bitch of an earth... UNFORGIVING AND DULL. however, i do believe in the possibility of these things being true, but idk! it’s pretty fun, though, to roast myself and any friends with gemini or pisces placements sdiufhdf they’re my go-to signs for roasting. it’s kind of an inside joke between my friends and me now. i’m mostly roasting myself with the gemini part. also my dad, that GEMINI. pisces i just roast for its Vibes. no offense to pisces. sorry if you’re a pisces. i’m sure you’re great!

5. i’m, like, the definition of jack of all trades master of none. i’m mediocre at 4 instruments, like i said previously. i’m ok at writing, ok at singing. i do well in standardized tests, but nothing too remarkable. i’m not not smart, but i’m not remarkably smart or kind. this is kind of an insecurity of mine, not gonna lie, but sometimes i feel like i’m stretched out too thin over too many things, and i’m not sure what i want for myself because i’m good at a lot but never great at anything, if that makes sense. whenever i bring this up to people they’re usually like “Oh! but that’s so good! and cool! you should be thankful!”, but like i said i’m pretty pessimistic most of the time sdiufhsd. i don’t have a passion; i have many interests that i can never dedicate myself to fully because 1) i never learned resilience because i was always Good at things at first try, so when i reach a Tough Spot i just quit, and 2) i have way too many things i like, and the idea of choosing Just One Thing... STRESSFUL. this is such a petty thing to complain about, but i guess it just comes down to the Gifted Kid Struggle™: you grow up hearing about how good you are and how you’re The Best, and you start to base your self-worth on being The Best at a Few Things. slowly, people start to catch up to you, and then you realize that you’re just Painfully Average and Mediocre. i’m coming to terms with the fact that i’m average, i guess. it’s ok to be, i know that, but it’s gonna be a long way before i can fully accept that i’ll never be the best at anything again. i actually think that this is what has made my relationship with food really shitty but that’s a whole Can of Worms™ that i won’t unpack here dfugdiofh

again, thank u so much for asking this!!!! it means a lot!

#ed mention #not rly #but just in case #my post #philautia speaks #thank u thank u!!!#<3 #demigodavenger #KINDA RAMBLED BUT THATS FINE

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needyoulikeaheartbeet · 4 years ago

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FOLKLORE FIRST THOUGHTS

ft. very little editing LONG SONGS! LONG SONGS! AESTHETIC TITLE! 63 MINUTES!

1. the 1

PIANO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg her voice is so soft if you wanted me you really shouldve showed IF YOU NEVER BLEED YOURE NEVER GONNA GROW OMG ALREADY A BANGER LINE OMG HOW SHE SINGS THE BRIDGE YESSSSSS THATS CATCHYYY

2. cardigan*

DEEP VOICE SULTRY OOOOOOOOOO the piano reminds me of jazz the IIIII hand under my sweatshirt baby kiss it better omg this is sexi ? OMGGGGGGGGGGGG wow the chorus and when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone’s bed you put me on and said i was your favourite WOW playing hide and seek part omg her voice the IIIII part is sooooooooo nice omg this is hot but sad but like NICE THE STRINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JADORE TELLEMENT you drew stars around my scars but now im bleeding THE STRINGS THE CHORUS THIS IS SO GOOOOOOOD IM CRYING PETER LOSING WENDY this is tugging on my heart strings... that bridge... wow... im literally crying tears rolled down my cheeks wow that was so beautiful im still crying LOL

3. the last great american dynasty

oo that twang-y in the distance im still crying from cardigan sorry all her what friends? was that bleeped? LOL [The clean version of the album on Spotify was available for me before the explicit version] omg how she sangboys you can HEAR her smiling i love it so much my precious bean THESE STORYTELLING LYRICS I NEED TO RELISTEN TO IT ALL STARLIGHT VIBES? omg i had a marvelous tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime <3

4. exile (FEAT BON IVER!!!! OMG?!!!)*

i love how much piano there is in this taylor i love it thank u WHAT A RICH VOICE youre not my homeland anymore?? so what am i defending nwo? im baby STRINGS!!!! <3 this reminds me of the last time kinda duet i cri balancing on breaking bridges im not your problem anymore so who am i offending omg wow her voice is so pretty i gave so many <3

5. my tears ricochet

omg the intro is nice is that her voice? or keyboard voices i didnt have it in myself to go with grace that electronic voice during chorus reminded me of getaway car... i c u jack + the beat... in the bridge wait wake? I NEED LYRICS TO FOLLOW ALONG SKFSKDFNS TOO DISTRACTED AND CONSUMED BY THE MUSIC [I was indeed distracted and not following the lyrics so I thought the wake was connected to one of the previous songs gskng I was like who died omg dummy]

6. mirrorball

ooo this sounds pretty from the start this sounds like a gem i find on youtube at 2 am when no one is around my dear! oooo i like AW SHINING JUST FOR YOU! IN HER HIGHEST HEELS, LOVE? That's so cute i can change eerything about me to try to fit in is SO relatable her vocals r so pretti aw this song makes me smile, the bridge was v cute [Little did I know when I’d relisten and read the lyrics that this song is not one to make you smile ma’am]

7. seven

this is different! this doesnt even sound like her omg but its so nice omg the verse hehe cute THE STRINGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS YES big fan aw is this from kids pov? pirates poor lil bb sweet tea in the summer, cross my heart wont tell no other

this is different but beautiful

8. august

oooo yes another youtube sounding gem with the quality of the music and her voice oh wow how she sang more OMG YES louder THIS IS NICE twisting in bed sheets aw cause u were never mine oh wow after second chorus the MUSIC YES THIS IS SO NICE IM SO HAPPY AND CONSUMED one ting? huh? cancel plans in case you call... omg

MEET ME BEHIND THE MALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you werent mine to lose aw... this song i like a lot

omg the story telling im crying i missed this so much it reminds me of fearless era this is so wow tat resumed loudly LOL i laff but omg this is like happy but sad at the same time THE STRINGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I CANT THIS MUSIC IS SO NICE I WANT IT TO CONSUME ME AND JUST LISTEN TO IT FOREVER like an instrumental version. just driving. even this version. this was so nice. i missed storytelling like this. i adore

9. this is me trying

i like dis so far yes, another youtube gem ORCHESTRA my words shoot to kill when im mad i have a lo of regrets about that sphere omg at least im trying!!! wow ma'am that was so pretty ???? the build up to the bridge wow jack?

10. illicit affairs*

beautiful guitar, wow omg yes those vocals?? lil guys? or is that guitar i like oh wow yeah def an illicit affair huh this is pretty folk dis make me sad but excellent storytelling omg

clandestine meetings ooooo the BRIDGE YES omg !!!! youve shown me colours that you know i cant see with anyone else you taught me a secret language i cant speak with anyone else OWWWWWWW

11. invisible string

this is fun to dance to its so cute bad blood ? *side eye emoji* prechorus is really nice and catchy her voice is so nice ugh i like this bridge <3 is this about joe? chains around my demons one single thread of gold tied me to you!!!! centennial park blues then purple pink skies! lover <3

12. mad woman

nice piano and strings the beat o wow i hate you forever (... is this clean? fuck you forever?) UPDATE IT IS FUCK YOU FOREVER WOO! omg you found something to wrap your noose around w o w, that's so powerful women like hunting witches too; omg wanting me dead has brought you two together wow but when she sang it wow i love watching you climb over people like me wow this is pain :( the vocals in the background are so nice and add to the feeling it makes my tummy sad :(

those back vocals make me think she can still sing safe and sound live one day maybe so tha tmakes me happy though

13. epiphany

the intro feels like an epiphany lemme tell ya i close my eyes thats nice i dont understand whats happening i need lyrics to follow along but it sounds nice strings <3 does this have to do with the wake? the outro is so soothing british accent?

14. betty

country! this is country! COUNTRY! OMG SHES SINGING COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOO!!!!!!! LIKE ACCENT! OMG the classic storytelling... taylors so good at this my god the worst thing that i ever did was what i did to you PARDY music between chorus and bridge UGH YES JAMES! YESSSS THE SOLO BREAKDOWN yes the only thing i wanna do is make it up to you i showed up at your party? aw! (and then you kicked me out LOL) will you have me will you love me will you kiss me on the porch aw shes so talented wtf. man aw standing in your cardigan kissing in my car again stopped at a street light you know i miss you aw [this was the clear trio clue lol]

15. peace

omg that guitar yes sexi rich deep yez thats so nice

that was catchy omg (when she started) OMG IT IS CENSORED...... i talk * with my friends? GIVE US THE UNCENSORED GOODIES CMON!!! oh i just saw the one thats explicit CLOWNS TO THE WEST WEY IT US aw the rains always gonna come when youre standing with me

16. hoax

so simple, vocals and piano wowie omg best laid plan around there the STRINGS are stunning. seriously stunning wow im obsessed this is nice sad feels the guitar added agh yes omg im gonna cry it still hurts beneath my scars when tey pulled me apart im cryin.... that part im cryin!!!!!!!!! THIS WHOLE BIT the background vocals are stunning her voice :( the stirngs :( the piano :( the guitar :( the simplicity :( me saying okay and nodding while crying

Note. The asterisk was me trying to decode which songs were part of the trio, but I kind of lost track and got confused once we hit Betty / I was too distracted by it being country hahaha

#folklore #first listen #personal #taylor swift #taylor swift folklore #folklore taylor swift #taylurking #taylornation #taylor nation

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otterenergy1962 · 4 years ago

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Letting go of old beliefs - part 3

In part 1 and 2, I wrote about life situations that caused me to have limiting beliefs about myself. For this entry, I am focusing on one that has run through the core of my being and has been persistently there for my entire life. As I examine it, I am starting to locate the actual point(s) in time that caused this limiting belief.

I am plain and unattractive.

It is a simple fact that I don’t always see why others people think that I am attractive. Some people even go as far as to say that I already know that or that I take advantage of it. I’ve been accused of being an attention seeker for posting a picture of my weightlifting progress… Many people just make assumptions and seem to be quite willing to express the same to me because they feel safe behind their keyboard. Would any of them have the courage to say so in front of my face?

One of my old desires was to look like a Tom of Finland drawing. For my straight friends, Tom of Finland was an artist who drew gay men in a hyper-masculine manner. The men were often extremely muscular and well-endowed. I always thought that I was a man who was too far from even being close to resembling a hyper-masculine caricature. I felt very different inside. I was still that overweight kid that had low self esteem and low self worth.

Sometimes guys project their ideas and feelings onto me. I’ve gotten friendship requests on FaceBook from men who seem to be a really nice guys. Once friended and without my request, a dick pic (or other parts of the body) shows up and I feel disappointed because they must only see me for what they believe I am. If I post a picture of myself without my shirt on does that mean that I am a whore and want others to automatically think think that I am seeking such? That I am willing to toss them a nude shot of me without any self-respect?

My ex husband would often say that I was the straightest gay man that he had ever known. He said this because I would often wear jeans and a t-shirt, didn’t seem to have any fashion sense or didn’t partake in the stereotypical gay man’s activities. I didn’t want to sleep around with everyone, didn’t obsess with HGTV, didn’t go to raves stoned on various drugs or believing that the grass might be greener on the other side of some stupid fence so that I could dump one man for a better one…. He even said that I didn’t have the gay designer gene!

After all, I didn’t fit the Tom of Finland stereotype. I liked reading, writing, science fiction, gardening, cooking and more. I liked walking on the beach and camping. I didn’t ride a motorbike or wear leather and role play hyper-masculine fantasies. So, why didn’t I start acting like I was a Tom of Finland man so that I could PRETEND that I was something that I was not? My ex husband, Henry, did that all the time. I used to giggle about his desire to be a butch leather fantasy man who loved doilies, frilly antique pieces and miniature doll houses! I didn’t deem it necessary to pretend that I was something that I wasn’t.

In my journey of self discovery, I have learned that it is okay to be silly, dance to Madonna in my underwear while making dinner or singing Donna Summer tunes while cleaning the house. By the way, I clean my house in jeans and a t-shirt! How “un-gay” can that be? I love otters, not in the gay sense, but the animal. A gay otter is a man that loves bears. Bears are big and hairy guys. So, I’m not a gay otter, but am nicknamed Otter because I want to be playful like my spirit animal. A friend recently told me that one of things he loves about talking to me is how I say goodbye on a FaceTime call. I wave bye-bye like I do with my students! He says that I have this cute child-like grin on my face and wave quick little wave. He says it is really cute! Okay, definitely not Tom of Finland! What makes it okay is that I don’t have to conform. I can be anything I want.

As I write this, I think back to when I was a child. I loved to play ball tossing games and skipping rope. Tom of Finland guys don’t skip Double Dutch… or do they? This brings up a question that my friend, Gary, recently asked me. “What would you say to that little kid that loved Double Dutch and tossing a ball against a wall whilst singing songs? Why does he like doing those things?” He would say because it was fun. There wasn’t a rule that said I couldn’t do those things. I didn’t like playing sports that much and seemed to enjoy the girls’ company more than the boys’.

It wasn’t until I was a few years later that I found out that being different would surface in a negative way. Suddenly, the word “Fag” starting being heard. The Double Dutch guy was a fag who felt dumpy and nondescript. I think that I was trying to make myself that way to avoid being noticed. If you made yourself as nondescript as possible, the bullies wouldn’t notice you as much. Duck your head and look the other way! I can even remember telling my mother that I didn’t feel good about myself. She just said that I would grow out of it…

I didn’t. I took that idea into my adult life. I continued to believe that I was nondescript and unattractive. When I came out, men liked me because of my age, or so I thought. I figured that being young made you attractive. It never occurred to me that I was attractive in some other way.

I’ve already written about the AIDS crisis and how it affected me. When you are HIV+, you see the world through a different lens. In the early years of AIDS, people like me were considered pariahs. You were considered so because people were afraid. I remember the stories of the early years where men who had this unknown disease were isolated in rooms at hospitals, their food trays left in the hallway for fear of getting this unknown disease. For more information, read this article: https://www.out.com/positive-voices/2016/12/01/woman-who-cared-hundreds-abandoned-gay-men-dying-aids#media-gallery-media-1 . Like the men in the story, I felt abandoned. My partner at the time was so afraid of the syndrome that he refused to touch me. In my mind, he abandoned me, so I abandoned him and tried to move on. Relationships became more and more difficult. Even hook ups were impossible because I didn’t want to infect someone else by accident. So all those years of dealing with HIV had a major affect on my view of being unattractive and undesirable. It fortified my original concept of myself. Gradually, as I met more HIV+ men, I began to have relationships that were more comfortable, but the effect of the situation has stayed with my all of my adult life.

I’ve also written about how exercise saved my life in those times. I’ve been exercising ever since in the form of weights, aerobics and group fitness classes. I also taught them from 1990-2013 and developed a real sense of physical fitness. In those times, I developed the belief that to be attractive, one had to be muscular and fit. I was able to hide my disability though exercise and bulking up. In all that time, I never considered the possibility of looking inside and seeing the person or soul who had the muscular, fit body. All I could see was an imperfect body, never fit enough, all the flaws with my face, my body, and my soul. I could rally a major list of flaws, but seldom looked at the positives.

It has been in the last few years after major relationships ended, and dealing with cancer that I have come to see what I need to see. I began to look inside for the answers. I am still on that road to understanding and loving myself. I can honestly say that I am an attractive man, not totally because of my outside appearance, but what is also inside. My friend, Gary, again come up with a nugget of wisdom one night as we discussed the difference between being attractive, being desirable, being appealing etc. We even discussed who we thought was stunningly beautiful! The nugget was, “Keep your eyes, ears and heart open to an opportunity to try something new!” I’ve opened all of my senses to take the opportunity to see what is beautiful in me!

So, I was curious about what people thought of me. I asked a group of friends, some of them have been sexual partners and some have been platonic friends. The answers stunned me. The points that came up the most were:

“… you are a man that speaks and acts from your heart and have nothing but the best intentions for those you care about most.”

“You’re incredibly kind and caring. You’ve been kind of like a "Daddy" type to me by nurturing me and giving me tough love when needed. You're an animal lover. You’re intelligent. Strong. All of that. Confident.”

“Your eyes are intense, showing your beautiful soul and genuine warm and caring smile. Then you’re so warm, kind, respectful, affectionate... fun and adventurous.”

“You come across as what we call in Arabic, ‘the combination of the opposites’ - you are silent and brooding but at the same time really kind and caring, and you can be goofy and fun when the time calls for it. You are a serious man who has no problem showing emotions and vulnerability. You are strong, yet fragile.”

“You’re kind and easily let people in. And it’s just very easy to be around you, a very welcoming presence.”

Where there examples that showed that they thought I was attractive? You bet! However, they have been tempered with the above points, telling me that it is more than just what is on the outside, and that the inside is just as important:

“Physically, for me you are definition of what I consider hot, attractive, not pretty girly but stern masculine look and a warm beautiful smile, you’re tall and muscular and very aggressive sexually chemistry that just is a drug to me.”

“Obviously you’re extremely handsome and built. You’re into a lot of fun and hot things, such as rubber and kink.”

“Superficially, you’re ruggedly handsome.”

“Ok, here’s my honest answer: physical aspects: silver, salt and pepper hair and beard are very attractive to me, combined those signs of a well seasoned man with the body of a well trained one and then you have a lethal combo that many can’t resist.”

“And top if off, you’re a very sexy and handsome man. ❤️”

So, can I honestly say that I am attractive? Am I a Tom of Finland kind of guy? The answer has been coming to me more lately. I’ve taken a few selfies and I’ve looked past the crooked smile and the grey hair. I’ve ignored the wrinkles and saw the warmth and beauty in my own eyes. There is a softness and a love that I’ve not noticed before. Is it selfish or conceited to find the self love and the things that make me attractive to myself? I’m going to have to say no. If anyone says that I am posting pictures of me with my new glasses to just to get attention or to make me feel better by hearing everyone’s opinions… I have have something to say: These guys need to push off and find somewhere else to dump their own insecurities! They need to acknowledge their projections and their own conceptions of self onto me. I’m not a narcissistic man who posts pictures and says, “Look at me! Hello! I am here! I am beautiful and don’t I know it?” Give me a fucking break! All I am is a man who looked into the mirror, deep into his own eyes and found the soul and heart of a man that people find attractive and beautiful for many reasons.

I’ve since had that conversation with the little boy inside who thought he was nondescript and unattractive. We’ve consoled each other and come to love each other for all of our traits. Thank you guys (Gary, Bryan, Seann, Ray, Masoud et al), for your comments. Thank you for helping me see that being attractive starts at home in the belief of the self. I love you guys!

Carpe diem!

#self love #hope #love

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adabassist · 4 years ago

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SKATING AWAY ON THE FRETLINES OF A NEW DAY

I expect that there’s not a single electric bassist out there who can’t remember the first time they got to play a fretless bass. The difference in the sonic, visual, tactile, even the emotional experience - it leaves an impression on almost every player, whether they pursue the instrument or not. It’s really as close to the human voice as a bass is gonna get. It’s a truly seductive instrument; it’s even downright sexy. If Kathleen Turner played bass, I’d bet you a dollar she’d play a fretless.

The passion I developed for this instrument consumed me; once I discovered the fretless bass, fretted basses became boring, limiting, and they just felt plain weird. I had a fretless with me everywhere I went, every gig, every studio date, every rehearsal, every trip out of town. I even took it on dates; hey, you never know, right?

My introduction to the instrument was anything but unique: my high school band teacher suggested that I get an album called Heavy Weather by a jazz fusion band called Weather Report. Upon hearing the opening track, “Birdland”, I immediately recognized the sound I was hearing as a bass, but it sounded like what that bassist was doing was impossible! As far as I knew, without a whammy bar, there was no way to make those harmonic notes move and slide like that… so I brought the cassette to my teacher and played the intro for him, and asked him how they were doing that… he said, “Well, isn’t Jaco Pastorius the king of the fretless bass?”

I said, “King of the what? And who’s Jaco?”

What followed was a desperate attempt to get my hands on a fretless, even just to try it; none of the music stores around had them (living in a flyover state with the nearest metropolis over an hour away has its disadvantages), nobody I knew had one or even knew anybody else who had one, and when I finally found an upstart guitar company who made a stock affordable fretless, my folks wouldn’t get it for me because, not being terribly musically inclined, they couldn’t understand why I would need a 2nd bass.

At this point my teacher moved away, and I found a new teacher at the music store the next town over. And HE happened to have a fretless bass, and he let me borrow it that summer while he was on vacation. He dropped it off on his way out of town, pretty close to midnight. I took it down into the basement and pulled it out and was all set to plug it in when I heard, “DON’T TURN THAT AMPLIFIER ON, YOUR SISTER IS SLEEPING!”

Jeez, not anymore I bet, Mom. “Okay, okay, I won’t turn it on…”

But there I sat, on my barstool in the basement, bass strapped over my shoulder, just plucking the strings and sliding my fingers up and down the fingerboard. For a good half an hour. If I had smoked, I would have needed a cigarette afterwards. (I told you it was sexy.)

The next morning I realized how amazingly difficult it was to play that bass in tune. No lines, hardly any useful reference points. Very difficult to figure out where I was on the bass. But the tone it created, and my desire to make more tones like that, superseded any concern about how much practice this was going to take. I finally got my very own fretless - a Rickenbacker 4001 - and really began concentrating on mastering it (much to the detriment of my grades in school).

One of my favorite things about the fretless bass is that the tone really lends itself to lyrical melodies. The instrument takes on qualities of the human voice in the middle to upper registers. And I found myself learning horn parts to jazz tunes as well as more traditional bass lines like those from my favorite rock bands, which ended up serving me really well down the road.

Another favorite thing is the fact that many fretless basses used to be fretted basses, and the slots leftover from said frets being removed usually get filled in with material of a contrasting color to the surrounding wood. These are known as “fret lines”, and if used correctly, they can greatly enhance one’s ability to play notes in tune. They are also the subject of great controversy among we bass nerds, as there are those who feel it’s “cheating” somehow. For my money, I’m on Team Fretlines.

So I practiced and practiced, and even went to music school for a year after high school, and came home and kept practicing. One thing led to another, and less than a year after I returned, I found myself auditioning for a band in the area that had already been signed to a small local record label, and was getting some pretty big gigs around the country, and needed a true fretless bassist, as opposed to a bassist who trots out a fretless as a novelty on stage for one song. Unbelievably, I landed the gig. Of course the REAL work was just beginning, but I was blessed with a really fast and accurate ear, and they decided to give me a shot.

I soon realized how green I really was compared to true professional musicians, and I had to make a concerted effort to keep up, but after a lot of hard work, not only did I learn to behave as a pro, but I really sharpened my ear and its relationship to my fingers… I was developing the ability to create a phrase in my head, and play it on my first attempt. (This is a big deal for musicians; imagine not being able to say much to anyone unless you practice it over and over, and you’ll have an idea of how most musicians approach music.)

Several years later (same band), I get a call from my keyboard player, who wants me to come in to the band studio the next morning before rehearsal (we recorded at one band member’s house, and practiced at another’s in the same neighborhood) so I can put down a bass melody for a demo of a song he’s writing for the next album.

I show up with my bass at 8am (yeech!), and we start discussing the song: “I need you to double that melody with the cheesy synth-sax sound. The song goes through the same chord progression 3 times, and the melody occurs during the 1st and the 3rd pass.”

“Got it. What happens during the 2nd pass? Should I just take a solo over the chords?”

“No, I’m going to have my sax player friend replace the synth melody, and he’s going to do a solo, so just leave it empty.”

Plugged in, got signal and levels. I was taught the melody - beautiful, and not too complicated. Cool little chord progression with a twist. He hit the record button, and I played the melody I had just learned along with the track.

As I played the final note, preparing to rest for the next 32 bars, he dropped a bomb in my lap: “Why don’t you just throw down a solo here anyway.”

This was exactly ZERO WARNING, for a song I had heard for the first time about 10 minutes prior. It’s like being thrown an enormous water balloon at 94 mph and being expected to catch it.

That’s when my brain became my best friend.

My ears said to my brain: here’s what should come next. tell the fingers to make this happen…

My brain said: i can do that! fingers, do this, this, and this, and then this.

And the phrase I thought would sound great instantly came out of the studio speakers.

I didn’t have time to be shocked; my ears were ready for the next phrase, giving orders to my brain, which meted them out. This happened at least a dozen times in a row, right up until the melody was supposed to re-enter. And my ears, having connected a long series of invisible dots over the last 60 seconds or so, even properly glued the last phrase to the beginning of the melody. It was like a factory assembly line: my frontal cortex had an idea, my ears refined it and made sure it fit the chords, the frontal cortex figured out where those notes had to be on the fingerboard, the motor cortex took those plans and sent the signals down to my fingers. And each set of “orders” took less time than the blink of an eye.

I peeked up after I got to the “safe zone” of the out melody (which I already knew), and my keyboard player’s jaw was on his chest. I had to remind myself to concentrate; after all, I was still recording.

When I finished, he hit the stop button, turned to me, and said, “How did you do THAT??”

I didn’t quite understand, so he rewound the tape and played back what I had just recorded.

And I was treated to a sonic representation of the way my brain and ears operate when they’re in top form. I had no memory of playing the actual solo (and I still don’t); it was a true transcendental experience. Yet, as I listened back to the track, I KNEW every note I was about to hear as if I had been waiting my entire life to play that solo. It was like a perfectly written story that practically told itself. 25 years later and I still know it by heart; haven’t thought of a single thing I’d do different. It was a complete stream-of-consciousness expression, in fretless bass solo form. I’ve never had another experience like it since.

We both kind of sat there for a few seconds after the song ended, and he finally said, “I don’t care what anyone else says; for my money, this song’s done. Let’s show this to the band at rehearsal.”

So we took it along and played it for everyone else. Everyone loved it, but the bandleader said, “I know that was an amazing solo, but there’s already too much fretless on the upcoming record. I think the solo should be sax instead. I hope you understand.”

And I did understand, even if it was a bit of a bummer. Oh well, at least I had a copy of my solo on cassette tape for posterity.

Sax player showed up a few days later, on a day when I wasn’t there, to play the melody and do a solo, but there was a problem - he had been sent the same demo tape that I had, with my solo on it, and it was influencing his improv in a way that didn’t really suit the sax. He finally said, “I need to skip the solo. The melody is fine, no problem, but I keep veering off course during the solo because I hear the bass solo in my head so strongly.”

So the bandleader calls me and tells me what happened, and that he’s decided that HE will play an electric jazz guitar solo over the chord changes (he did this regularly in the group, and to great effect). Okay, great. Curious as to what I’ll hear in two days when it’s done.

Two days later I get another phone call: “I can’t do it. I keep playing stuff that works great on the guitar, and it fits the changes nicely, but the phrases just sound disconnected, I keep hearing your solo in my head, and I can’t seem to fix it. Would you mind if I transcribed your fretless solo and played it on the jazz guitar?”

“Feel free, it’d be an honor,” I said. Good thing FaceTime wasn’t a thing back then, because I’m sure I was smirking.

The next day I arrived at the studio to record another song for the new record, where I find the bandleader standing outside shaking his head.

“Did you finish the solo? How’d it go?”

“Yep. And I hate it.”

“What happened?”

“I spent over an hour last night transcribing your part. And I just spent another hour recording it. You know what it sounds like?”

I had an answer ready, but I wasn’t about to say it out loud if I didn’t have to. I figured I’d let him say it instead, which he did:

“It sounds like a bunch of great fretless bass licks, played on the wrong instrument. I think we should just use your original bass solo.”

Now that’s taking the long way around to come to the right decision.

When I look back on that moment, I find it amazing that I don’t remember coming up with the phrases, and I certainly don’t remember anything happening that pulled me out of that “mode” I was in; the solo all but wrote itself, and I was simply the conduit. But I remember my bandmate’s reaction.

Since then, I have tried to conjure that mojo dozens of times, with varying degrees of success, but never quite to that level. But it showed me what was possible within the realm of performance. All those scales and exercises and hours upon hours of practice were paid off in that one instance of musical epiphany and pure expression. It was enough to ensure I’ll die a happy man.

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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863

Do you have any friends who are on and off with bfs/gfs all the time? Yeah, Jo and Aya don’t make the most stable couple. They had one really problematic stint last year where they would break up and get back together every week. They ironed it out eventually and they’ve been ok for a while, but lately I think it’s a little rocky again because I no longer see them interacting and they’ve been retweeting stuff that gives me a few hints. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve broken it off for good. When was the last time you almost cried out of exhaustion? Ohhhh boy. It was some day in Feb I think? and everything had just been going wrong for me. Andrew and I got yelled at by our thesis adviser because she didn’t like what we submitted and she gave us a day to revise three entire chapters. We stayed in the college working away from 3 PM to 10 PM then when I got home, I realized I forgot to bring with me a certain item that my org entrusted me with. Absolutely wasn’t allowed to lose it. Had a panic attack and this was when I started crying because it was so late and I just wanted to go to bed; though Andrew saved my ass by offering to go back to school at like 11:30 just to retrieve the damn thing. Lastly, that was a time when business reporting was still giving me hell and I was struggling to find a business story around campus to turn in for that week, so I was freaking out about that too. All in all a shit day. What`s a TV show you hate missing? Idk man, if I miss a show I don’t think there’d be hate attached to it. I imagine I’d miss a show because it made me happy, so this doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Do you think it’s funny how people always say their pet is the best ever? It’s adorable haha but not necessarily funny. Whenever someone says it I totally believe them; I think all pets are the best :) When did you last brush your teeth? This morning.

What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited? I checked my Twitter right before this question. Do you have a friend who you think you’ll be best friends with forever? Yes, Angela is for keeps. Does it annoy you when you accidentally delete things? For the most part I can just undo and get the deleted thing back, but when that’s not applicable it can get super distressing. I know I was gloomy for a very long time when I accidentally wiped out my camera roll with photos from 2014-2016. What`s a movie / book / TV show / band / whatever you highly recommend? Movie: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Book: Got nothing in this department. Show: BoJack Horseman Band: Paramore ha. They got a sound for almost everyone! When did you last use a dictionary / thesaurus? Two questions ago when I was looking for an adjective to best describe what it’s like to lose your entire camera roll and, essentially, good memories that you’ve made. Are you anticipating or dreading anything? I ammmmmm anticipating dinner haha. I can’t think of anything I’m dreading.

If someone could randomly give you something right now what would you like? Baked sushi :( It’s a recent trend locally and it looks so gooddddd, I just don’t wanna spend the last of my savings on it or ask my parents to buy a tray for me. What`s the most annoying thing in the world? At the moment it’s people who refuse to wear masks because they claim that it messes with their oxygen level or because they find it personally uncomfortable. When did you last use one of those water slides you put on hills? I have no clue what you mean. What are you sitting on right now? One of the dining room chairs. What skills would you like to learn / develop? Adobe Indesign and iMovie. I dabbled with these recently – Indesign for a class and iMovie to make a video for Gabie – and though I was always too scared to start using programs like these, I actually found them fun and super useful when I finally had my hands on them. When we saw each other the other day Gab was talking about using this break to take up workshops in different Adobe programs so that she’ll have more stuff to put on her resumé, so I might follow her footsteps too. What is something other people say you’re good at but you think you’re not? Teaching. I always feel like I fumble a lot, but idk I get compliments on it so I guess I’m kinda okay but I just don’t see it. What does your bedside lamp look like? I don’t have one. I used to have a wall light though. It was a just tiny lil bulb that I had to plug in to give my room a light orange hue. What did you last take a photograph of? Myself and Cooper. When was the last time you got really frustrated with technology? Yesterday. My laptop was a bit slow when I wanted my YouTube video to go full-screen, and my impatient ass already got irritated with it. What was the last funny thing someone said to you? She didn’t technically ‘say’ it but my mom was singing a song earlier and had the lyrics wrong, and what came out of her mouth instead was so wrong and so funny. Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? My grandmother. What was the last thing you bought? I bought snacks from my girlfriend’s dad Korean food business! I got myself odeng (fishcakes) and tteokbokki (spicy rice cake) :) Do you want to move to somewhere else? If so, where? Any country with a capable government at this point. What time is it where you are? 8:04 PM. What’s your favourite picture of yourself as a child? I’m not sharing that on here, but I do have my favorites.

Do you like your neighbours? I suppose they’re okay, in a sense that they haven’t done anything to annoy me. I’ve never talked to them in the last 12 years that I’ve lived here though haha I always felt like my mom could take care of the socializing stuff – and she has been. Does your room need to be cleaned? Nah I’m barely in it these days. It’s mostly spotless and things are stacked up neatly. Do you have a good relationship with your family? I wouldn’t say it’s good, but it’s not bad. Super lacking in the emotional aspect, though, and it’s a big reason why at the end of the day I can’t call it a good relationship. What is something people are surprised to hear about you? That I don’t like fruits. The horrified gasps and expressions never get old. Do you make judgments about people straight after meeting them? Only if they blatantly act like a jerk. Do you hate any particular groups of people? I mean I hate racists, abusers, rapists, Karens... but if you mean to ask if I hate any race or people of a certain sexual/gender orientation then most definitely not. Do you fall up or down stairs usually? Down :( Do you constantly break things? (By mistake or otherwise) HAHA yes. What was the last bug you saw? Kinda looked like a moth but I’m not sure what it was exactly. Are there any smells which make you feel nauseous? Rotten egg, any fruits lol. What is the scariest thing you`ve ever gone through? Random men play-lunging at me when I’m walking outside and then laughing once I jump or whimper. I don’t know if there’s a certain script that those fucking pigs follow, but I’ve had several of the exact same experiences through the years. That’s why my friends can always poke fun at the fact that I drive everywhere no matter how close my destination is – at least I feel safest that way. Do you have anything unusual in your bag? No. I only carried the essentials in the last bag I used when I went out the other day. Are there any people you know in real life that you only talk to online? Yeah, there’s a bunch of people I don’t really get to see irl. Some of them are friends who’ve migrated, some are my friends’ parents, my relatives who’ve always lived in the US, etc. Do you think people who don`t care about education are dumb? In the Philippines they will definitely be considered careless, dumb, and having no ambition. But I know education isn’t as big of a priority in other countries and that college isn’t a necessity in those places, so I guess there’s a cultural difference here. What`s your favourite key on a keyboard? I don’t pick favorite keyboard buttons lol. Do you always finish what you start? Nah I’m a little terrible at that, especially if we’re talking of passion projects. I collected Starbucks planners for like six years and was never able to completely fill up any one of them. Who`s your favourite character from The Simpsons? Or do you hate that show? I’m not a big fan of the show but just because I relate to her a lot and the fact that she’s intelligent and a goody-two-shoes, Lisa. Have you ever had any friends who always tried to steal your things? Nah wtf? I’d so easily stop talking to them if all they did was steal from me lmao What is something you will never understand? People!!! Who!!! Aren’t!!! Nice!!! To!!! Servers/Baristas/Anyone working in a job that has to directly deal with customers!!! When did you last laugh hysterically? Probably earlier this afternoon watching a Good Mythical Morning episode.

#survey #surveys

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x--daughters-of-darkness--x · 4 years ago

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Delain’s Charlotte Wessels: “Speaking out against the ‘female-fronted’ genre has been frowned upon”

Delain singer Charlotte Wessels on the lessons she’s learned from a life in music – and why’s never going to stop fighting the ‘female-fronted metal’ tag

Since co-founding Dutch symphonic metal band Delain as a teenager in 2002, Charlotte Wessels has become one of metal’s strident voices onstage and off. Unafraid to air her views on everything from feminism to the climate catastrophe – the latter an inspiration for the band’s latest album Apocalypse & Chill - she looks back on the lessons life has taught her.

Change is a good thing

“Martijn [Westerholt, keyboards] and myself have been the core songwriting team for Delain since the very beginning but Timo [Somers, guitars] has really flourished on Apocalypse & Chill; he’s not just making arrangements and writing parts but writing entire songs, like One Second. The fact that we play live so much has had an impact on how we write this time. We’re writing from the idea of how it will work when we perform. Martijn did the entire production again and he’s done a great job! We wanted to do some things we haven’t done before while staying really true to our sound – we’ve added in some real choirs, which is something we’ve wanted to do for quite some time.”

Don’t judge a book by its cover

“A lot of things [in the process for this album] remained as they were for [2016’s] Moonbathers. For example, in the approach to song- writing, a lot has stayed the same. But when it comes to production, some things developed – especially the name. Some people think we’re joking! [The title isn’t] the gothic, romantic, frozen moon thing we usually go for. I had a demo called Apocalypse & Chill that didn’t go anywhere, and when I looked at all the songs on this album, all the post-apocalyptic content combined with people’s attitude today, it fits.

Let your own work shine

“There are a few guest spots on Apocalypse & Chill – such as Yannis Papadopoulos from Beast In Black and a guest violinist who used to play for Eluveitie – but not as many as we’ve had in the past. I think that was a conscious choice. In the past, we’ve always let ourselves be led by people that we really like but didn’t exactly fit into the music, but the exposure to their fanbase was also a factor. We didn’t think about that at all for this album; we were just doing our own thing and it felt like a perfect fit.”

‘Female-fronted’ is no more

“I’ve spoken out against the ‘female-fronted’ genre in the past and I’ve always thought it’s been frowned upon. Because there are, like, three women in metal and all the rest are guys, it was a term that used to work to group those bands together. I think by now people realise that there are women in metal, death metal, nu metal, symphonic metal and they’re all vastly different things, so I’m really happy to know people are warming to the idea of ditching the term altogether. For me, it wasn’t just about the term being disrespectful or inaccurate; it was also not nice to the rest of the band to let their genre be decided by what’s hanging (or not hanging) between the frontperson’s legs! That’s taking such a small part of the ingredients of the band. I’m still optimistic and I hear a lot of things that keep me optimistic both online and offline. I think we’re heading in the right direction; in general I think there’s more equality than there has been in the past. I also feel people are becoming more and more aggressive in their opinions and less open to conversation, as more conversations are taking place anonymously and behind screens. I’m not sure how that’s going to develop.”

Criticism can be motivational

“There are some conversations that really stick with you in life. I remember very early on in my career, when I was 15, my classical singing teacher once told me, ‘If I were you, I’d leave that band and just go join a choir – everybody is always looking for sopranos like you.’ She basically didn’t see the value in any non-classical music but to me, that was such a ‘Wait, I’ll show you’ moment in my life. It’s more reverse psychology than the best advice anybody’s ever given me but it had the most impact on what I ended up doing, even though it was a long time ago.”

Stop trying to make everyone else happy

“You simply cannot please everybody. That was a tough lesson for me. In a band like this, you’re doing everything together and when you’re writing with multiple people, you’re already making compromises. Within my creative group that’s fine, but there’s a limit to the amount of people you can keep happy while also staying true to you and your artistic vision. I felt like I really had to learn that the hard way because teams in music can get very big and it quickly becomes very complicated to have everybody on the same page. Sometimes you try to compromise too much and you end up with something nobody is happy with, so I’d rather have some very excited people and some saying ‘meh’ than having everybody on a medium level of excitement.”

Inspiration can come from anywhere

“I have different inspirations for different parts of music. I love Nick Cave for lyrics and writing words in general, and Thom Yorke for music. I’m always super-impressed by how Radiohead keep changing and evolving their sound, they’ve been my favourite band forever. Also, Amanda Palmer for the way she navigates the music industry. I think it’s very impressive what she’s built and how she is so radically herself in everything she does.”

Set your goals high

“Before Delain, I was in a band that had a side- project that Martijn was working on as well, that’s how we met. He asked if I could write a few lyrics for this project he was working on and it grew from there into me being part of the first album, but it was still supposed to be just a project. Now we’re 15 years later and Delain have grown so much. If I could go back, I’d tell myself, ‘Hey dude, this is going to be the next 15 years of your life at least so go all in, this is the real deal!’ There’s so many crossroads in life and you’re always going for the long-term thing but one day you wake up and it’s such a big part of your life and it’s amazing.”

Find a label that loves you for you

“When Roadrunner Records were sold and we were at Warner all of a sudden, Warner got a lot of bands alongside all the bands they actually wanted out of Roadrunner like Nickelback and such. I had the idea they were like, ‘OK, we have Delain, let’s see what we can make of it so people will buy it.’ They were looking into what we could become, which was very different from our own vision. When we were talking with Napalm Records, it was a night and day difference to that because they wanted to work with us for us, for what we already were. Of course we have our disagreements from time to time, but we really noticed what it was like to be with a label with all the best intentions for us.”

Touring life isn’t always easy

“You become a family of sorts when you spend so much time together on a bus, and everyone develops their own little habits to keep themselves sane. Touring can be loads of fun and it usually is, but it’s also very tiring at times. One of my things is I don’t really sleep well when the bus is driving, so at the beginning of the tour I’m usually alright but a few weeks on, I don’t know what day or time it is. It gets really weird but everybody has their own routines and it’s just a matter of giving each other the space to do what you need to do. In the end, it all comes together during those hours on the stage. There’s always days off where we go on hikes to nature parks. There’s not a lot of them but we always try to do it.”

Our new songs might surprise you

“One Second is going down so well live already, I really like singing with Timo and it’s great being able to do that song together, I’m so happy to have that little duet. Combustion is really nice for me because I finally get a break! I think Let’s Dance will become a favourite, it’s kind of a party song and it gets people moving very quickly even though they’ve never heard the song before. It gives off a vibe that people can automatically roll with and it’s very nice to still get that kind of energy back from the audience.”

#Charlotte Wessels #Delain #2020 interviews

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pinkykitten · 5 years ago

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I was tagged by @writing-with-melon I hope my answers aren’t complete waste or if time and if so I’m sorry and I love you

Rules: Answer ten 10 questions, ask 10, and tag 10 people

1. What song automatically plays in your head when you look out the window on a long drive?

i dont really have an answer for this. i think i just automatically think about any song ive been listening to recently or any song that has been stuck in my head.

2. Do you have some snacks nearby when you write?

well i live in a two story house so the kitchen is downstairs and im usually lazy busy so since i have a mini fridge upstairs i just usually get water to drink while im writing. its kinda hard to eat and write cuz i loose focus really easily so when i am writing i am writing! i am in the zone! but if i am a little hungry ill usually snack on candy like chocolate kinder joys i love them but they r so expensive or snack on chips but i get like salt on my fingers or i like cheetos so cheetos dust and that just gets everywhere and later my hands and keyboard kinda smell like fart. 3. What do you do to combat creative burnout?

so burnout happens to me a lot so to get inspiration i either read other stories or fanfics which gets my head gears turning or i admire a piece of art or photography or a song. whats so unique and satisfying with writing you can explore and go anywhere with it, hehehe erotic if you know what i mean lol jk there are no barriers with writing just your imagination. there is inspiration any where you go and id advise to never stop writing. even if its a few short sentences or paragraphs about anything even bird poop its still progression and your mind is working and your searching for words like its all good for you bby. 4. Do you use (or like to use) prompts?

i do ill put the link here. im thinking of changing it though to do something different.

5. What is your favorite place to write?

lol boring, i know but my room. my room is really bright in the mornings and comfortable and chill and i have a candle of the pandora ride in disney that smells like the ride so its all good and relaxing and super peaceful plus i have a picture of myself the age of like 9 on my desk idk why but it encourages me and makes me focus to make sure i never get that cringy again.

6. What is a hobby or yous that you usually don’t talk about?

well i like working out HAHAHAHAHA jk that was a joke...get it...cuz i much rather be eatingokillstop. but i really like to draw which i have a art page you can see it if you click here pls look at my failed attempts to be hip and cool with the cool kids and being artsy fartsy. another hobby is i really like to do makeup and nail art, nail art is really tough guys no joke if you do it like you got wizard powers are something. maybe its bc my nails are shorter than pete davidson and ariana grande’s relationship, alright im trying to stop i swear!

7. Do you play an instrument? Which one?

no i wish though. i always wanted to learn to either play the piano or electric guitar cuz H.E.R looks so cool doing it.

8. How do you feel about your handwriting?

it sucks dont even try me. my sister can barely read it like no wonder nobody wants to steal my signature heck they can’t even read it!

9. Can you tell us of a story that marked your development as a person? As a writer?

ok sit back guys, sniff a nice amount of crack and get ready for the most cringy moment of my life but also a time when i knew i was meant to be *inhale* a fanfic writer.

so it was elementary school, i think 3rd grade and for my writing assignment we were given a prompt of idk what the heck tbh i think it was like be outside the box and im like ok imma nail this cuz im a weird child and yeah so i got my papers and pencil and i went TO TOWN on this paper. so i wrote two stories. one short story with a picture to go with it and one long story that yeah i buried years ago. so my first story was about a farmer was about that farming life. he had chickens and dairy. so i cant remember if the cheese was spoiled but doesnt matter. anywho these cheese and a chicken were alive like they could talk in the story and i gave them faces, yikes. but the whole story was the farmer was a b*tch and he was trying to eat the chicken and cheese so they hatched a plan to get away from the farmer. they did it successfully and they ran away. yay happy ending my teacher actually liked that one me too and my school mates were thinking what they heck is this girl on i made a story about how me and justin bieber made cookies for Christmas you know. so then my other story i was more proud of this one cuz it was a tone of paper, sorry trees, and this story was about how a female hippo (girl i was all about plus size and thicker girls and no body shaming) and an male ostrich were kidnapped from their own habitats and taken to become circus animals. failed version of Madagascar hey mine was before the circus movie OK THEY STOLE IT FROM MEEEEE. so they get taken and are treated to harsh punishment and the animals can talk and i think its in the point of view of the male ostrich guy thing. they are in the circus and they start to have this relationship happening. love starts blossoming its all good. im happy with this cuz i believed in love at age of 8. they find a way thru a kick butt scene of the animals escaping and the hippo and ostrich are so in love that they run away together and they have half hippo half ostrich babies and i think i named the species hipstrich or like ostppo idk but i was so proud of this story and when my teacher read it she was worried about me lol i think she thought i might like mate these two animals like secretly idk but she was like it was ok and i was like what this is frickin William Shakespeare writing or like F. Scott Fitzgerald writing. nevertheless it taught me a lesson that nobody else needs to like what im writing the main point and only thing that matters is if your proud of it and you like it and i really did. i will remember that story forever and thats what made me want to be a writer. lol sorry that was a lot.

10. @emdop I’m going to use this great question: Explain one of your WIPs in the most ridiculous way possible.

wellllll im working on my peaky blinders oc story its a lot of drugs money killing weapons jewelry rich profanities like its the show but written from my stubby hands so my oc and whatever its great and so excited to show it to you guys.

MY QUESTIONS:

1. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO START TUMBLR?

2. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING OF THIS WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

3. WHAT QUALITY IS IMPORTANT TO YOU?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OUTFIT?

5. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE?

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

7. IF YOU COULD VISIT A PLACE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

8. WHAT SHOW OR MOVIE UNIVERSE WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN?

9. WHAT IS THE SCARIEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE?

10. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE IN THIS WORLD THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

im tagging: @thatlittlered, @ardentmuse, @acciosnapes, @lotsoffandomimagines, @collecting-stories, @blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms, @naughtyneganjdm, @lenahellgizibe and two random followers @spiritsent, @sucker-for-my-fandoms

i was tagged by @writing-with-melon again ty btw, ps i felt so much pressure lol jk 😊

Rules: Answer 5 questions, Ask 5 questions, Tag 5 people.

1. What is your favorite book?

fifty shades of grey hahaha naw my favorite book is obv you all know this is series of unfortunate events but i never usually cry period and i never cry for books ever so when i read mrs. tom thumb by melanie benjamin, its the part when her sister minnie dies i cried so hard idk it was just emotional the wording the way she described her pain it was so beautiful written yet so sad and that was just amazing to me cuz im like this book made me feel things and im like wow i would love to write a book one day and make someone feel something whether it be sadness anger happiness annoyance anything they are having an emotion and that is super powerful to do that with just words. pls go check out that book its a good read. also im a fan of the greatest showman so i really enjoyed it. there are many other books tho that i thoroughly enjoy so much.

2. What piece that you’ve written are you most proud of?

oh my god ive always wanted to be asked this question hands down i am always proud of my platonic gender neutral tony stark fic called in·con·sol·a·ble window to me i wrote it so sad and i was feeling like depressed lol when i saw peter die in infinity war like i didnt know what to do with my life tbh but im so glad that @impetrichorny requested it tysm i just like how its not based on romance or fluff or happiness it is based on when you lose someone the nightmares and sadness you go through and that there is nothing nobody can do about it except just be there for that person so i really like writing angst and something that was out of the box. ive been thinking tho of doing a part two since the fate of all the characters has changed after endgame. who knows tho.

3. What is the last song that inspired you?

well for art it would have to good news by mac miller when i did that kobe bryant memorial on my art page. i dont want to give it away though but ill just say some very powerful womens music inspired my oc writing and making.

4. How do you feel about letting people read what you write?

at first i was scared cuz i thought i wrote like trash which that feeling kinda doesnt go away like some days i feel that way others i feel confident or it depends on the request it just depends but anyways i was always insecure about my writing so when i started writing it was more like lets see how this goes if not ill delete the whole page. im glad to say it went great but in the begging it was hard cuz i kept putting myself down but i learned to accept or just understand that you keep learning with writing you always learn knew things with writing how you can explain something better or you words get more intricate and people see the improvement and you do too thats why i applaud those who dont speak english that english isnt their first language. you are doing a tremendous job and keep practicing cuz you’re gonna make it to the top. ive also learned that some days are not my days and you can take time off when youre not feeling it when you have writers block. just recollect your juices sip some tea go to the beach relax your mind a little and take as long as you need to come back and give it your all. also comments and reblogs and likes a follows those meant so much to me and encouraged me. thats why i cant express it enough how much all those mean to writers, artist, photographers, anybody who is truly trying their hard in this area of social media. its makes a person happy smile and confident in their writing but first train your mind into loving what you make not what others thing. you have to be happy with the outcome that is what truly matters and what makes your writing the best. look at me getting philosophical.

5. Do you get distracted easily? If yes with what?

yes and with porn haha i get distracted easily like very easily homeschooling was really tough for me. music distracts me, netflix, the urge to watch david dobrik or unus annus or buzzfeed unsolved on youtube, heck my farts distract me. i gotta be like troy bolton i gotta get my HEAD IN THE GAME!

MY QUESTIONS:

1. IF YOU COULD BE NAMED SOMETHING ELSE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE NAMED?

2. WHAT PERSON INSPIRES YOU THE MOST?

3. IF YOU KNEW THE WORLD WAS ENDING TOMORROW WHAT WOULD YOU DO TODAY?

4. WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT IN THE SHOWER?

5. WHATS YOUR WEIRD COMBINATION FOOD?

im tagging: @thatlittlered, @ardentmuse, @acciosnapes, @lotsoffandomimagines, @collecting-stories AND WHOEVER WANTS TO DO THIS IF YOU FOLLOW ME OR LIKE MY STORIES TAG ME ILL READ YOUR ANSWERS. HOPE I DID THIS RIGHT SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING MWUAH

#ask #@writing-with-melon #rambles #writing #tips on writing #unus annus #david dobrik #netflix #buzzfeed unsolved #peaky blinders oc #kobe bryant #mac miller #tony stark #peter parker #the greatest showman #tom thumb #troy bolton #zac efron

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beyoncesdragon · 4 years ago

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A little help, a little love (Harry Styles)

Requested: yes, on my wattpad :)

Warnings: language as per usual

a/n: the one you can find on my wattpad has a slightly different ending, so if you coincidentally read that other one first, maybe give this a try too! I actually wrote this ending first, but somehow decided I would rewrite the whole thing #3amthoughts.

My Masterlist this can be found on my Wattpad

(Gif found on Pinterest)

The smell of green tea and cookies hit my nose when I opened the door to the Shangri-La studios. Harry must be really upset with the song…green tea and cookies had always counted as a distressing sort of ritual Harry and I had practiced, when one of us was seriously stressed out. Though, we had not been able to sit down for tea and talk in a while, due each of our jobs.

Being a singer and songrwriter and traveling around the globe had been both of our dreams since little, but now actually living that life had made us drift apart inevitably. Harry and I had met way back in first grade, when I moved in just next to his house. I had been the new one for quite a while, not immediately hitting it off with Harry. Not that we disliked each other, more because he had his friends and he was a boy and I was new and a girl. That was why, apart from both of us being in the state of utter disgust about the other sex, we had seen no business in talking to each other. I had then quickly found my own people and so we coexisted for quite a while, before we both discovered our shared passion for music and especially, for Fleetwood Mac. That was in maybe sixth grade…we were eleven that time.

From that moment on, we had suddenly spent several afternoons together, talking about music and listening to different kinds. When Harry had joined the school band White Eskimo, he had started to teach me how to play guitar and I had taught myself how to play bass. I remember being quite butthurt when one of his friends and former bandmember “Joshie” refused to let me join the band, even though they were indeed short of a bass player.

Just a few years later, Harry had auditioned for the X-Factor…and the rest was probably written down in historybooks. For me however, had started a rather difficult time as I struggled to find something that I would enjoy doing for living. This frustrating phase of my life had resulted in me writing songs about it and uploading them on YouTube – from where I got soon discovered by the record label Colombia Records. Maybe, and I still haven’t gotten clarity over it, Harry helped with that a little bit. But he refused to say something about it, to this very day.

Whilst he had then toured with One Direction, I had started to produce my own music and also write. I learned several different instruments during that time, adding the piano and keyboard, drum kit and even a little tiny bit of violin to the bass and guitar.

During that whole time, when my career finally took off completely and Harry’s seemed to rise out of sight, he and I had remained close friends. Not the closest of friends, due already mentioned schedule, but as close as possible. However, now that Harry went solo for quite a while, we had seen each other a bit more often – albeit that ended when he went on tour again. Though, we had had a show together, London I believe it was. For both of our fans that hadn’t been too much of a surprise since it was widely known that we were good friends.

And now he already was at his second album and for that, he had called me. Sounding close to devastated on the phone, he had confessed that he couldn’t manage to finish a single song, and that he was even further from writing a new one. So I had decided to pay him a visit in the famous Shangri-La studios where he was recording his album at the moment.

And there I was, slipping out of my shoes and taking off my pair of Sunglasses I had out on because of paparazzi that had unfortunately gotten wind of my visit in the states. Harry had left the gate and door open for me to just walk in, promising that he would be alone in the studio so I wouldn’t have to feel awkward when walking in.

“Harry?” I called out. Hearing how the faint melody of someone playing guitar stopped.

“Princess? Is that you?” I grinned at the pet name and walked towards the direction I meant it coming from. “It is. Where are you?” in this second, the door almost behind me got ripped open and I jumped slightly.

“There you are…how’s the world’s favourite curly doing?” he grinned softly before wrapping his arms around me.

“Terrible. I can’t write music anymore, I am a failure and I don’t deserve to be here.” I laughed into the fabric of his shirt, enjoying the warmth of his hug. “Bullshit m’love. I am sure we can fix this.” He just hummed, staying in the embrace for a little longer, before then stepping away. “Gods know how I’ve missed ye…” he said, and the small, dimply smile he gave me, stole a beat of my heart. “Missed you too Harry. A lot. We should drink tea more often.” I said with a smirk, looking up at him. He hummed in agreement before softly nudging me inside the studio. I let my eyes wander over the variety of instruments and the huge control-panel.

“In-fucking-sane.” I said with a grin and he laughed. “I know right? And despite all of this…” he dramatically pointed at the equipment, “am I not able to produce anything that is anyhow acceptable and I am ashamed.” I laughed and walked over to him, just to wrap my arms around his waist one more time.

“Don’t be. Where is the problem? Or shall we first do the tea part…?” he gave me a soft pout and nodded, carefully dragging me to the little couch area in the corner of the studio.

Someone – Harry – had set up a large tea pot of steaming green tea and a jar of still warm cookies next to it. He dropped down on the couch, immediately pouring some of the tea into two tea cups. I sat down on a fluffy chair on the other side of the table, giving him a thankful smile.

“Thank you H. How’ve you been apart from the writing?” he shrugged slyly, pouring himself a cup of tea. “The thingy with Camille, but I told you about that…” I pulled a face.

“Yeah that was nasty. Anything going on apart from that, of which I don’t know?” he shrugged, before shaking his head slowly. “I have really just been writing songs and making music ever since. Which is why this whole damn…thing is so frustrating.” I could only chuckle, carefully placing the cup down. “Then let’s not sulk around any longer. I can’t drink a proper tea with a man in a fuss.” he got up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and lifting me a few inches off the ground.

“As you command my lady. What do you want to do first?” I yelped at him lifting me up, not really liking the loss of control I experienced at the moment. “I’d start with you letting me down, you annoying asshole. Then, show me a few of your songs you have already written and produced.” Harry obeyed, quickly pressing a kiss on my cheeks before walking over to the computers.

“First one is called Fine Line. I think you will like it, it’s a very…raw song, kinda. You will understand. Ready?” I nodded quickly, sitting down on the chair in front of the control panel.

The song was beautiful, soft and simple and it made my heart bleed, though at the same time it healed it. Harry had faced the ground during the whole six minutes or such, the light from the large windows only hitting one side of his face. It made his eyes shine in two different shades of green: one in a light, with brown and gold specked lime and the other in a dark olive. My eyes trailed further down to the bridge of his nose and to his cupids bow. He had his lips pressed together, making them appear white. From time to time he relaxed them, causing the blood that rushed back, to colour them in a deep raspberry pink. He was just…beautiful.

And talented, Fine Line was a master piece. “How’d ye like it?” he asked carefully, looking up to me again. “I absolutely loved it. What number of songs do you want the album to have?” Harry’s face relaxed slightly before he shrugged.

“I will probably get twelve on the album again…I am toying with the thought of making it the last track of the album.” I nodded instantly. “Yes. That’s brilliant…you’d end the album with “We’ll be alright” then…I absolutely love that.” He grinned proudly.

“Then track #12 it is. Ready for the next one?” I nodded quickly, leaning back again and closing my eyes whilst Harry clicked play for the next song. When I opened them again at the end of the track, I caught him staring at me. “Like what you see?” I teased cheekily and he shook his head with a grin.

“I love it.” I could only smile about that. “How was that one?” he then asked after a minute of silence. “I liked it. ‘Suppose it’s called “She”? or did I get that mixed up?” he grinned, shoving me off playfully. “Yeah it is. Those are the only ones I haven’t sent you…Adore you, Golden, She, Cherry…you’ve heard them all, right?” He then said with a shrug and I nodded. “I have. Even Watermelon sugar by the way. Then which one is the problematic child of yours?” he sighed softly, switching the track.

“That one. I already planned it to be one of the singles to be released, I know the name I know how I want the visuals to look like but…the song itself is one big…construction site.” I nodded slowly. “Play what you already have.” He obeyed wordlessly, starting the snippet of the song. It started with a slow crescendo, an electronic sound mixed with a simple guitar chord. i was surprised by the sudden drums, positively however. Harry’s voice sounded a bit different than before. More hoarse, more scratchy and still very soft and gentle. I nodded slowly with the beat of the song. It was good…but something missed. The refrain started to play, a guitar more provisionally playing a few chords before Harry started with an idea of a strong vocal, not the full blow he could manage to sing. I stopped the song with a quick gesture.

“I really like how the song builds up so far…though I don’t like the guitar with the bridge. It’s not…powerful enough. A guitar is more…plucking and way too playful. We got to replace this…” I started and Harry nodded slowly. “You are right. What would you insert there? A…violin?” I giggled softly and shook my head. “Piano, keyboard, something like that. No more strings Harry!” he grinned, helping me up.

“Then there you go. Do your magic.” I shove him away lovingly, walking over to the set up keyboard, and turning it on. “Okay…play it again please…” and so we started, he played the song and I tried to follow the melody in a soft and easy way, without taking the attention off Harry’s soft voice. And that we did, again and again.

Two hours had passed since we started, the sun had started to set and I was sure that I could sing every lyric in my sleep. But we finally finished it…and I loved the song. Harry and I had ended up with the piano mixed softly with a little bit of guitar and he had added some more percussion. A thing I had done as well, a simple djembe had done the job.

“I feel like…something is still missing somehow.” Harry confessed sheepishly, giving me an innocent look. “What? Spill Harry, you know I won’t be weirded out.” I replied with an eye roll. My feet were drawn up to my chest and I sat on the swivel chair in front of the console again. Harry, who stood behind the chair so we would both have a good look on the screen grinned, before softly wrapping his arms around me. “I don’t think it should be my voice alone in the refrain. You know, that shine-thingy…” I frowned softly.

“You want me on the song?” he nodded, giving me big doe eyes. I sighed and nodded softly. “Yes sure…but can we please do that tomorrow? I am tired H.” Harry nodded immediately, stepping away from the chair. “You have stuff for sleeping over here?” I shook my head. “Nope. I actually planned on going back into a hotel I checked in…my stuff’s there. I didn’t knew that the SL-studios had bedrooms?” he shrugged.

“They have three actually. Do you wanna sleep here and just take some of my clothes?” I nodded quickly, feeling sleepy all out of a sudden. “Then come on up princess. Let’s get you tucked in.” he offered his hand and I pulled myself out of the chair with it. I was just a tad surprised when he held on to my hand for some time, but maybe he was as sleepy as I was – and sleepy Harry is cuddly like no other humanly creature I knew.

Ten minutes, an oversized Harry-tee and a new teeth brush later, Harry and I stood in the bathroom together. I had decided that I was simply too tired to stand, so it sat down on the cold marble floor, earning an amused chuckle from Harry. I shushed him with a slap on his leg, before he dropped down next to me.

“Feels like a flashback t’those nights y’were tipsy after clubbing.” He mumbled through the teeth paste and I snorted. “When we both were drunk. Don’t try and…escape your past Mister.” He laughed quietly before getting up to wash his face and mouth. Just seconds later I did the same.

“What room should I take?” I asked after we both exited the bathroom. “Oh about that…” Harry started, a soft blush suddenly spreading on his cheeks. “Would you mind sleeping over at mine? It’s just because I really missed you and I don’t want to feel lonely…”

“and because you’re a needy, cuddly little baby. It’s okay Harry, as long as I can sleep on the left side.” He threw me a sly grin before suddenly sprinting down the hallway.

“The faster is the quicker.” He yelled and I sprinted after him with an outraged cry. Harry ended up on the left side, what made me pout for an eternity, before he got up with a sigh, dropped down on the other side and wrapped his arms around me.

“Better?” I nodded. “Way better. Good night Harry.” He yawned sleepily, resting his face in the back of my neck. “G’night lovie. I am so glad you’re here.” I chuckled softly, snuggling myself a little closer into my best friends embrace. “Me too. Now sleep, we have work to do tomorrow.” He mumbled something under his breath before sighing. “Mitch, Sammy and Tyler are coming tomorrow. N’ Jeff as well. Maybe Sarah…yeh, Sarah as well. You are okay with that, right?” I nodded softly. “Sure, I love them. Especially Sarah’s fruit salad. Speaking of, can she bring some?” Harry laughed silently, grabbing his phone from the nightstand. “I can ask…”

The next morning I stumbled into the studio in still Harry’s shirt and shorts, not exactly expecting everyone already being present. And if I say everyone I mean everyone, the whole bloody band and some of the writers including Jeff, were present.

There was Sarah, relaxedly leaned back on the couch in the back, Mitch right next to her with a bass in his hands, Sammy and Tyler crouched over the control panel, Clair (the only one from his band I hadn’t really met properly) with a mug of coffee at the broad window ledge and Adam, carefully polishing another bass. The second I entered – mind you, still in a messy bun and sleepy – the conversation in the room died down immediately. Everyone stared at me for a second, before Sarah yelled;

“I got your fruit salad baby!” from the back of the studio and the awkward bubble of “Oh shit what do I do” burst into pieces. Harry, who leaned against the panel, was the closest to me, so he was the first to hug me.

“Morning princess. Have ye slept well?” I nodded, still a bit droopy, before hitting his bicep softly. “Could’ve said something instead of just disappearing! S’embarassing, fucks sake…” he just laughed and shook his head.

“Bullshit babe. Ye looked adorable, like a cute little deer in the spotlight.” I snorted and pushed him away. “Yeah, cute.” I retorted sarcastically, before I went on to hug Claire. “Nice to finally meet you. was a bit of a rush in London back then…but I am glad you made it here.” She greeted me friendly, and I instantly liked her.

“Agree. Sorry I had to leave so quick after the show…couldn’t say goodbye properly to you.” she just waved it off, before stepping aside for me to greet Jeff, Sammy and Tyler. “Look at that A-list celeb in a baggy shirt that’s not even hers, shorts and fuzzy socks.” Sammy immediately teased.

Oh, right. I was not only wearing Harry’s tee, shorts and had a (very) messy bun – I also wore blue and white striped fuzzy socks. Ideal, let me tell you. I snorted, pushing him off me with a frown.

“Just so you know, even Ellie Saab, Gucci, Chanel or Salvatore Ferragamo aren’t comfortable always…not that you could know Sammy. You C-List producer.” I mumbled under my breath and everyone laughed loudly.

“Shots fired! Even sleepy, A-class Pokémon Celebrity number one manages to block a shot fired by C-class Pokémon Producer and finish her opponent with super move: instant kill. Good job Trainer.” Tyler commented sarcastically and I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light! Surrender now, or prepare to fight!” I quoted drily and Tyler pulled me into a bone crushing hug. “I fucking love that one. We should write more often.” I nodded, breaking into a soft grin. “True. Now move along, you stand between me and my fruit salad.”

After I greeted Sarah, Mitch and the rest of the band and team, I just sat down to munch the delicious fruit salad Sarah had made for me (I loved that woman) and just listened to them talking. They had all listened to the newer version of Lights Up - that was how Harry had called it - and all agreed with Harry that I should sing those few lines with him.

“Get up…” Harry suddenly mumbled, placing himself in front of my unbothered self. I looked up at him, shovelling another fork of fruit into my mouth.

“Wha’?” he sighed before pulling me up, sitting on the chair I sat on before and pulling me back into his lap. “Couch’s occupied.” He then said quietly, resting his head on my shoulder. I just hummed, not paying his actions much thought. It was just Harry being affectionate. Sarah gave me a small smile that I returned thinking it was about the fruit salad, but when Claire did the same I wondered…if it perhaps was because of something else.

“I quickly go and clean that. There’s a kitchen, right?” Sarah and Claire immediately got up. “Yep there is. I come along, need a coffee.” She explained and I nodded. “Same here. Anyone else something?” Claire asked into the group but no one seemed to need anything. I carefully got up, Harry’s arms around me loosening up a little. He slowly lifted his chin from my shoulder so I wouldn’t knock him away, giving me a weird look.

“What?” he shrugged. “Nothing. Would you be so kind and get me a coffee as well?” I nodded before following Claire and Sarah into the kitchen.

“You two are cute.” Claire said with a small smile, handing me a dry towel. “What? Who?”

“Harry and you! who else?” she explained laughing and I frowned. “We aren’t a thing. Just friends as far as I know.” I explained and Sarah crossed her arms over her chest.

“He’s just very affectionate around you.” I shrugged, feeling a little uncomfortable under the drilling of the two. “That’s just Harry? He’s always been that way.” Though it was a true fact, that he really had always been a very touchy guy, my statement came out more like a question. I mean yes, that he was very touchy right now that hadn’t gone unnoticed by me, and yes, he’s been very needy since I came here…but so? To be completely honest, it wasn’t like him being that way wouldn’t affect me, of course it did. It was also hard to not let it or him affect you in general, because Harry Styles just was a man whose presence always left an impact somehow. Be it because of his golden heart and precious persona, because of his undeniable dashing looks or his outstanding talent. And I would also lie if I’d say that his presence made my heart skip several times and his hasty touches and pecks wouldn’t make my pulse quicken. Of course it did – it was Harry.

Claire and Sarah dropped the topic Harry after that, and we talked about the song and the process of the album whilst the coffee machine hummed.

⋆

I refused to let them make a feature out of the song. Even though, Harry almost begged me to let them, I said no.

“I don’t want it! I don’t want to earn money off of this record Harry!” he sighed and shook his head. “But why? Because…because you don’t like it and don’t want to get associated with it?” I laughed and rolled my eyes. “Shut up you twat, I love this song like my own child. It’s because you asked me for help, and I helped. And help in a friendship doesn’t have to be rewarded. This is planned to be your first single of your new album and it is supposed to be just you. Because it’s your song Harry!” this time, it was Harry rolling his eyes at me.

“At least let me give you a writing credit…” I groaned and shook my head. “I don’t want my name on the song. In no possible way. Additionally to this, you have not employed me. I am whether part of your band, nor your production team, I am your friend, and therefore I do not accept any form of payment. Just leave it Harry! It’s not important anyways.”

He just shook his head. “You mad woman…but you do know that your fans probably still pick up your voice, if you like it or not.” I shrugged, pushing myself off the table. The whole team watched us, heads turning between Harry and me like during a tennis match.

“Then so it be. I don’t care about someone recognizing my voice. I just want that this thing stays your song through and through, like any other songs I’ve done touch-ups on for you.” he opened his arms for me to hug him and as I did, he pulled me down on the couch. “You are fucking amazing do you know that?” he mumbled under his breath and I snorted.

“Obviously.”

There had been pictures of us. Lots of them, flooding my twitter and Instagram feed, the most popular one was a snapshot of me eating fruit salad on Harry’s lap. His head rested on my shoulder, the tee that was obviously his very own perfectly well visible.

My notifications went crazy with tagged tweets, and since the fans had caught on to the fact that it was indeed, my voice in Lights up, Harry’s and mine ship name was trending. Mitch that little bastard only fuelled the fire by liking a tweet saying:

“Now I know where Harry has all those fruit references from.”

The picture just described linked to it. It now had been retweeted fifty-six thousand times and I was on the verge of flying over seas and strangling Mitch with my own hands. That bloody twit. That hashtag was now trending for two days already and I had received multiple phone calls from several of my family and friends, asking if I was really dating Harry Styles and when the wedding would take place and if I would go on tour with him and if by chance, I would already be pregnant and if, if I already knew what gender the angel was. Long story short, they were all driving me crazy, even if they weren’t serious and just making fun of the whole situation.

And I had heard nothing of Harry. He had not called, texted, tweeted or written an email and I was too scared to call him again. I had, one time, but he hadn’t picked up and since then I had given it up. I just wanted to know what he thought of this whole thing, of us trending of now two fandoms pretty much shipping us and all that mess that had started, simply because some stupid snap shots of us were leaked.

And when I wanted to know his thoughts about it, at the same time I didn’t. I was anxious, because I wouldn’t know how to react if he disliked us being shipped, if he really just saw me as a friend like I always said I did, or if there had be some truth hidden in Claire and Sarah’s assumptions. Because speaking strictly for myself…I caught myself not bothering about being pictured as Harry’s girlfriend.

And the longer this madness was going on, the more I was convinced that I knew that when he first hugged me as I stepped into the SL-Studios, around a month ago.

And maybe my hopeless romantic heart would’ve had a little bit more confidence about the whole thingy, if there hadn’t been this Late Late show thing with Kendall Jenner, that set the internet in an even greater fuss than before. I read tweets like

“#Hendall coming for their necks”

and

“Omg the way they look at each other! #Hendall is rising again!”

and other tweets that fuelled slight insecurity. But thanks to Mitch’s actions (that knob)…our ship was still trending and I still wasn’t sure if I liked it entirely or not.

Facts however was, that I would have to talk with Harry about it, sooner or later. Because the thing wouldn’t go away until one of us would say something. The question was only how: in person or over phone.

I obviously would’ve preferred it over phone because I wasn’t already ready to confess my feelings that I had tried to hide away from everyone, but one look on my face and he would know that something’s in the bushes. To my displeasure had he the ability to read me quite well. And over phone, that was way harder.

⋆

The clicking of my front door made me flinch and almost spill the hot tea over my fingers.

“Hello?” I asked confused, knowing that there were three people including me, in possession of a key to my house: my manager, me and well…Harry?

“’Ello there love…sorry I didn’t wanted to ring and wait because there were people and I felt like if I don’t step in now, I will get recognised. By the way, how comes that you have the same key for the elevator and the door lock, but not every apartment can be opened with that key? When the elevator is for everyone in the private apartment’s…with key?” I grinned at his flood of question and shrugged.

“I really don’t know, but may I ask what in the bloody hell you are doing here? I thought you’re in LA?” he shrugged, placing a Gucci luggage with colourful Mickey mouse print down.

“Oh ye know…” he said smugly, slipping out of his shoes. “Planning to crash for a few?” I remarked, nodding towards the luggage. He just shrugged.

“Depends. However, to answer your first question: I am meeting a very lovely lady that has stubbornly denied getting any credit of feature on my album. To answer the second question…I was in LA, yes. Then I took that thing they call airplane and…” I got up with a chuckle and wrapped my arms around him. “Yeah shut it, you big fool. I wasn’t planning on sounding rude, I was just a bit startled because I was just thinking of you.” he rose his eyebrows.

“I am flattered. Was it a nice dream?” I felt my cheeks heat up a little. “I haven’t dreamt about you, you narcissistic asshole.” He just winked cheekily. “Sure not…” “and if I would, it would’ve been a nightmare.” I closed off and he grinned. “Rude.”

“Asked for it.” He shrugged, dragging me to the couch before saying another word. “What are you doing?” I asked, letting him pull me down next to him.

“We need to talk.” He explained, suddenly seeming way more serious. “You don’t wanna drink or eat anything…” I asked carefully, but he just shook his head. “Had something on m’ way. Now…” he took a deep breath and scooted back a little so he could rest against back of the couch. “I am pretty sure you are aware of that twitter thing going on…” he said with careful glance at my face…and I couldn’t help but feel my cheeks heat up.

“Obviously.” He hummed quickly before continuing. “What do you think of it?” well, this was not how I wanted it to roll. I didn’t wanted to be the first one speaking up. (but then I should’ve probably done the same thing Harry did – and finally grow a pair). However, right now I felt unprepared and flustered and nervous. I was taken aback by him appearing on my doorstep out of the blue and coming to the point that quickly.

“I don’t…I don’t know really.” I managed to stutter and avoided his eyes strictly. Just calm down, Jesus Christ…breathe.

“That means…?” he asked carefully, eyes expectantly resting on me. “It means that I don’t know. Like, maybe I mind it but probably I don’t because I don’t really mind the thought of us but just maybe and I don’t know.” Harry’s brows were furrowed as he tried to follow my torrent of words.

“I…understand. Partly.” He said, a soft smirk settling on his face. “So you don’t…mind them.”

“Them what?” he leaned forward a bit, supporting his head with his arms on his knees. “Them shipping us.” I gulped. “I guess I don’t.” he nodded slowly.

“Alright. And if I told you that I don’t either, what does that mean for us?” my heart skipped a beat. Well, maybe three or four beats at his words and my eyes grew wide. “Y-you don’t mind?” he shook his head, the hint of a blush covering his cheeks.

“I actually...never really did. I liked the thought of us for a good while now. And the twitter thing…well it only confirmed me.” He then confessed, giving me a nervous chuckle.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked slowly, growing almost smug when I watched his blush deepen.

“I…I am not.” With a swift move I leaped forward and tackled him backwards down on the couch. “And all that damn time you have never called? You idiot!” he laughed bringing his hand up to my face.

“Sorry I let you suffer, but you could’ve called too.” I huffed, obviously being aware of that. “No I couldn’t, because first of all, I am a coward you know that, and second, I was embarrassed because you were supposed to be my best friend and you don’t fall for your best friend and third, the whole interview thing with Kendall…”

Harry laughed out loud. “Kendall? You got jealous because of my interview with Kendall?” I snorted. “I don’t know what you have with putting words in my mouth I never said, I never once said that I got jealous…” Harry cut me off with a quick peck on my lips and a knowing twinkle in his eyes.

“Yeah maybe I got jealous…” I mumbled with a scrunched nose and he laughed. “Yeah maybe ye did.”

Ending from Wattpad here

#Harry Styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles x you #harry styles x reader #one direction #leave feedback if you want #!#💘#queue like you get paid

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