#I suppose one has to bear the conditions of their existence and can't ever entirely get rid of themselves haha

[empress-lillith]

I feel like I should jjust give up on all my "good" qualities and stop trying to be a "good person" and fighting sgainst all my bad qualities. I. I start to feel like there's nothing good coming of it for me, and not enough good for anyone else to actually keep bothering with me.

I feel like the positive things I get told the most is that I'm nice, and that I'm beautiful.

But. Apparently I'm not enough of either for people to... stick around.

I don't know. Even now I don't know what to write. Cuz it might might people unhappy. But.

Maybe I'll try to let what I feel out, for just this once;

I do my fucking hardest, successfully too most of the time, to make people happy, to help them, to make them feel comfortable around me. Cuz all my life no ones ever done that for me. In school people gave no two shits about me, unless it was to make fun of me or get their homework done easier. FOR 9 DAMNED YEARS. Then I switched schools. I guess I had friends. Friends that, as soon as they were not forced to be in the same classroom as me either cut contact or essentially bullied me online. Since then I haven't made friends in person. My own mom has been there for me. As in. Provided for food, entertainment and ignoring my existence otherwise. I got hugged by her for the first time I can remember when I tried offing myself and telling her that I thought I wasn't worth anything and she didn't love me. She graced herself to hug me long enough so I stopped crying and then pushed me away and went back to watching TV alone telling me to go cuz SHE NEEDS A MOMENT. My dad is just inept. Nice. Trying his best. I guess. I used to see him once every 2 weeks, and we talked like 2 hours maybe, where he left me completely to myself otherwise. The person I had contact and an actual "friendship" with the longest eventually started using that friendship and manipulating and breaking apart my entire friend group to just fucking use me as his damned sex toy whenever he felt like it. And I didn't realize for what? 8 or more damned years. That friend group is now so splintered and fucked that I don't even know what the fuck to do about it. Do I still want them? Do they still want me? Pretty sure they don't enjoy me around anymore tbh. Newest friends I made are from therapy or from tumblr, and it's like 5 people in total, 1 if which I haven't talked to in 2 months as I assume she doesn't give a shit about me anymore, at least not that I could tell. And I still really really damned like her but I wish I fucking didn't cuz it's fucking tearing me apart. I suppose I got used to her being there for me and when she wasn't when I was at 2 of my absolute lowest points my mind just broke or something idk. 2 of them I met in therapy and one of them is nice but doesn't have time, which is okay but also annoying to be honest, but it's not her fault I suppose, and the other ignores me whenever she can. The newest 2 ppls I met are nice but I feel like they either are scared of me, I guess at this point rightfully so or don't actually care.

I keep saying that I'm not super likeable when you stick around me for too long and everyone always tells me they don't think so but somehow the only people that seem to have sticked around for years either did cuz they had no choice or in one case because they didn't actually like me and just enjoyed my body.

So. My honest feelings, no one actually cares about making me happy. I want to be treated the way I try my hardest to treat everyone else. I. I'm tired of having and making friends. I can't bear it. I can't bear being alone either. I have been for too long. I. I want this to end, not my life, just this this this dambed conflict of everything. I feel such conflicting things. I'm trying my hardest to make things right for everyone. And I feel like I am not getting enough back to even keep me going until 30.

Love is conditional. And I don't think I am capable of meeting these conditions. Besides all my hatred for how I'm being treated. I still only blame one person. Myself. For just not being good enough.

I wasn't wanted in this world. I was conceived on accident. And I feel that in the way my mother treats me.

But I hoped that maybe someone else doesn't.

Maybe I'll be able to hold on long enough until I can find someone that does want me. Maybe.

I hold so much hope. For such a hopeless person. Such a hopeless world. I wish I could give up.

[enderwalking]

Whats up its tsubasa anon, bsck to ruin your day!

I see your "fai was never able to learn healing magic" and I raise you: fai was told as a child that his greatest crime was that he wasn't willing to die, that he wasn't willing to let his brother die. How the death of an entire world was blamed on that decision.

Do you think about fai, desperate to trade his life for his brother's? Do you think about fai, unable to bear his magic being the source of any more violence (unwilling to let syaoran, soul or no soul, contain that violence, to wield it), asking to die? Do you think about him giving up on reviving his brother for the chance to protect these people he was never supposed to care about, that he was supposed to kill when the time came?

Do you think about kurogane, no family left in the world, no context for the centuries of hurt built up in fai, seeing this as fai giving up on them? Kurogane who learned love from his parents as guardians of a country, who didn't stop fighting until they were forced to by death?

Do you think about these two men, so intensely products of the hurt children they once were? One unable to tolerate the others desire to die, one unable to forgive the other for forcing him to live?

Hey what do you think the c!emeraldduo equivalent of "Good morning, kurogane" would be?

see this for me is where the comparisons begin to fall apart a bit because while this is all true of fai and i Am extremely fucked up about it thank you very much trc anon you're the WORST, cphil's flaws have never particularly been about self-destruction or sacrifice imo? he's always been quite conscious of survival, and while i don't think he would ever hesitate in throwing himself on the blade for the sake of his loved ones, i don't think he would ever seek it so desperately the way fai does, even in his worst moments. cphil's flaws, at least to me, are instead about like. this contradiction between responsibility and separation? responsibility because he has to be the one to fix things, to see things through, to teach the lesson and repair the damage, but separation because he also has to exist Apart from people, whether that's because of his regrets over the pain he's caused them, or because he believes the best way to respect them is to give them distance, or just because of the ever-present knowledge that everyone he knows and loves he will one day lose.

in this au, where he's been conditioned to believe that his mere presence in people's lives has the power to doom them, i think that tendency toward separation becomes even more pronounced. he exists among the group and will do what he can to help because he has a job to do, a responsibility to fulfill, but he Will Not push, he will back off at the slightest show of resistance, even if he knows that he should interfere he just. can't. because what if he just makes things worse?

and like. in canon, c!emeralds have years and years of camraderie and shared experience and understanding backing their relationship, but in this situation where they don't have any of that and all ctechno knows is that he Has to fight for everything until his dying breath (because ctechno in any universe is all about loyalty and duty) whereas this guy backs off the second things get hard? yeah, kurogane's vicious callouts of fai's flaws would definitely still exist, even if the flaws in question are different.

in this scenario, the thing that causes the acid tokyo fallout would probably not be ctechno forcing cphil to stay alive, but instead putting him in a situation where he is forced to take action against his will, and in doing so cphil's fears are proven right; something goes wrong, someone fails to be saved, and once again it's all his fault.

also, this is completely derailing but you did get me thinking: cphil does not have fai's flaw of self-sacrifice, but um well do you ever think about "keep the discs i've done enough with my life" or like uhhhh