#I still need to edit the hospital and the puppy fic though but they are largely done

[buckera]

first full draft for the puppy fic is done, the only thing left is the ski fic now 🫡

[spiltscribbles]

How would you do a wolfstar fic based on the way I loved you by taylor swift? from remus' pov :)

~Notes: OMFG Nonny! I need you to understand that this ask threw me back to my Twilight days when I’d watch endless edits of Bella/Edward and this particular one with this song where for some reason Edward was both guys lksajghdsfjoieagh God what a time😂 So thank you and here’s a HC of how’d I write it becs I sorta hate all my writing rn rip fklsdghasdgh But JFC it got so fucking long!!! I’M SO SORRY!

.-

So It would be a muggle AU, non linear sort of thing where you’d see Lily and Remus just hanging out in his house on boxing day of their sixth year. And they’re shuffling through photos of themselves and friends at  Hogwarts. And Remus kind of just stops at this one, particular photo from second semester of last year, when he and Sirius were still going out.

James and Lily are in the background smiling straight on the camera, but the focus is mostly where Remus and Sirius are completely oblivious to the photo, and it’s obvious that Sirius is trying to drag him onto his lap, and Remus’s head is thrown back in laughter, and Sirius is looking at him in that grossly besotted way that softens his gorgeously angular features, and it’s just an absolute deluge of emotions for Remus.

So flashback

They first met when the marauders were auspiciously roomed together as young lads in Hogwarts, and Remus grew up in a quiet coastal town in the north of Wales where everyone knew everyone, and English was actually the second language, and to put it simply, being thrown into that space with the chaotic duo that are James and Sirius was a culture shock. Even Peter— who’s plummy and  who comes from a fine, upper middle class family and is at least familiar with them in the way that the patrician always are aware of one another. So Remus automatically felt like the odd boy out.

But that night, when he wakes up because he misses his Mam and Da, he finds the tallest boy— the one with striking pale eyes and an air of superiority that kind of got on Remus’s nerves, sitting on the windowsill and up at the stars— his namesake in particular. And so Remus joins him and tells him the love story of the moon and the sun that was his Mam’s favorite and it’s the first time they feel something neither of them know the name for quite yet.

Throughout the subsequent years the marauders grow as close as family, a brotherhood of sorts.  But they all know there are different manifestations of friendships within them. There’s Sirius and James who are the boisterous, bombastic ones that always seek the spotlight, and who can finish each others sentences and who cheer one each other along when it comes to their rowdiest of pranks. There’s Peter who’s always been intimidated by Sirius, and thankful for James’s friendship and comfortable with Remus because he’s the only one who never teased him. Then there’s James and Remus where they’ve always been impressed by one another, James because he knows Remus comes from humble beginnings and is bright in the way he works for everything he has and it’s never doubted he deserves it. And Remus is impressed over how much and how deeply James loves and cares about his chosen people, how he can inspire a crowd so effortlessly. But then, probably most peculiarly to Remus is his relationship with Sirius.

He doesn’t mean to sound rude or ungrateful, but his string to Sirius is  a relationship that absolutely eclipses all the others. It’s quiet in it’s intensity, but persistent like a heartbeat. It’s nights they spend trading stories by moonlight, and afternoons quizzing each other by the fire even though Sirius has always been naturally brilliant and Remus knows he’s just humoring him, but doesn’t call him on it because he hates the thought of it ending. It’s also evenings when James is at extra footie practice that Sirius teases him for, and Peter’s at chess club, and it’s just the pair of them, existing in each others space, doing whatever they want because it’s enough just to have the other there.

Remus is confused in third year when Sirius got especially pissy because Remus began hanging out more and more with the girl James has always targeted to being a know-it-all. And Remus was cross right back because they don’t even know Lily, and she’s a nice girl, and the only other Northerner like him in their entire year, and Sirius has no reason to be cross at him making a friend outside the marauders.

But then he got even MORE confused when Sirius asked him if he liked her. And Remus literally laughed out loud, which made Sirius scrunch his face sourly which just looked funny because his features are far too gorgeous to be put in such a nasty expression. And it’s nearly five minutes later when he catches his breath and tells Sirius that he and Lily are just friends and only friends. Comparing her to a sister, which became truth in the following years.

And it’s like a snap of the fingers when Sirius immediately smoothes out his face and grins cockily once more, and makes Remus promise that they don’t date any girls unless the others all approve. And Remus isn’t sure why Sirius’s intense focus on his love life makes something peculiar unfurl in his gut but he ignores it and shakes Sirius’s still too large hand— like a puppy needing to grow into his palms. And then they write up a contract and make James and Peter sign along with them in the codenames they came up with last year. Prongs for James because his hair is something gravity defying, Wormtail for Peter because of his pet rat, Padfoot for Sirius because of him asking sodding Minerva McGonagall— their head of house— if she was on her time of the month— as a first year when she gave him and James three weeks detention for a crude prank. And Moony for Remus who constantly got lost in his books and in his daydreams that it takes the others multiple times calling his name for him to be brought back to earth.

Remus kept the contract in his lovage, but never bothered to pull it out fourth year when Sirius suddenly became very, very aware of his good looks, and high social standing, and how any girl attracted to men would chew off her own leg to get a date with him— well save for the possibly only exception that is Lily Evans. And Remus had to just deal with it, and he did. He didn’t know why Sirius and his frequent, but short lasting flings got under his skin so thoroughly. It’s not like he’s annoyed over Peter and his girlfriend Eloise or how James is still going out with a couple different girls even though he’s near constantly flirting with Lily. And it’s not like the ones Sirius decides to go out with are annoying or anything. He really likes most of them. Like Marlene is absolutely hilarious, and Maci has the same world history class with Remus so they studied together a lot. And the rest have perfectly fine attitudes. It’s just— It’s just Sirius begins sleeping more often through the night instead of swapping stories with Remus, and isn’t readily available for whenever Remus needs to take a walk in the woods because he’s becoming full of anxiety over just about everything, and it’s just— He just misses Sirius a lot.

And Remus thinks he’s an idiot because why the fuck does he feel so territorial towards one of his best friends? Why doesn’t he act this way towards James or Peter or even Lily. He doesn’t ever feel this ridiculous, clawing emotion. Something he only calls by name, jealousy, when it’s late and quiet and he’s all alone. And Remus panics because he has no idea what this means, what or why he feels this way. Because he’s not a poof?? Is he? It’s not like he’s ever been especially interested in girls or their knickers, and if the other fifteen year old boys around him is anything to go by, that’s odd. But it’s not as if he’s especially interested in any other blokes either— anyone besides Sirius. Sirius and his artfully tousled black hair that tumbles down the nape of his neck and just a couple inches above his shoulders. and his piercing eyes that always seem as if they can look right into Remus’s soul and sift through all his points of diffidence. Sirius who’s always been there for Remus in ways Remus never even expected, even knew how to ask for. The boy who brings him hot chocolate on days his migraines are especially awful, and who always begs the Matron to stay over on the nights Remus is just forced to stay in the hospital wing when he has a flare up, and who always knows to ask the caretaker for a spare blanket at the start of every term because he knows Remus is always cold but would never dare ask himself. And God, just why does it have to be Sirius!

Strangely enough, it’s Sirius who answers the question in a non direct sort of way at the end of their fourth year when Remus asks him why he broke up with Isidora so publicly and a bit callously while they’re sitting on the balcony of the astronomy tower, trading their flask of gin that Sirius snuck away from his parent’s house over easter, staring down at the grounds and the lake and it’s a beautiful night, and Remus only sorta feels it how his heart twists while Sirius sits so close. And once the question spills out his lips, Sirius peers down at him in a very subdued, very weighty sort of way and he simply says, “she’s not you Moons.”

And it’s like Remus’s heart just freezes, refuses to continue beating with the shock, with the somber words spoken without an ounce of humor. And part of him is just waiting for the joke, for the other shoe to drop. He’s just  waiting for the overdone hand to his chest, and lips pretending to pucker for a smooch. He’s waiting for the ground to return but Sirius doesn’t move, and maybe this means that this is real, that it isn’t just in Remus’s head. so all he says is a simple, “oh” and the next thing he knows is that Sirius kisses him right then and there, and it’s beginning to shower from above,  and the kiss is a bit hard for his liking— more teeth than lips and a tongue that slips in with fervor— but Remus wouldn’t stop it for all the money in the world. Wouldn’t ever let go of his grip on Sirius’s broad shoulders, or move away from where Sirius’s arms are snaking around his narrow waste. Would pay anything just to constantly feel the weight of Sirius over him like this for forever.

He doesn’t know for how long they lied their in the pouring rain, just exchanging slow, lingering snogs, and tender touches that feel like a thousand flames. But Remus probably should’ve expected that the next morning, while they’re all preparing to board the train, Sirius doesn’t catch his eye or ever really speak to him. And that’s fine. Remus has been questioning his sexuality for a while now. Maybe Sirius is just confused or just nervous because they’ve been friends for so long. So he doesn’t mind. Ends up splitting his time on the train with the boys and with Lily and it’s all alright. When he gets home, he types Sirius a letter explaining to him that it’s fine, that they can take things slow, that they don’t have to call it anything yet, and he toys with that patch on his neck that’s still purple from Sirius’s mouth and he’s actually elated with the idea of it.

Sirius doesn’t answer the email

And he doesn’t answer the one after that either, or the ones that follow. And Remus eventually takes the hint when he gets a email from Peter who’s holidaying in France and asks Remus how hard he laughed from Sirius’s story about how he nearly pulled the mum of the latest London bird he’s shagging that he wrote them about. And Remus is equal parts embarrassed and self rebuking. Because he’s such an idiot, Sirius was probably annoyed from his constant emails like he’s some jilted ex lover, like the girls he pulls along. And Remus is really a fucking idiot. So he rings Lily and they meet at a pub that’s equidistant from both of them, and he didn’t have to tell her what happened because she’s really just a genius, so they drink the night away and he swears off love and she swears to kick James in the Bollocks at least once this year, and it’s the first time all summer Remus laughed.

By the time they got to fifth year, Remus had ranted enough to Lily that he was over it— well erm, mostly at least. It still hurt like nothing else when he first spotted Sirius on the train, looking taller and leaner and tanner and just sexier as all get out. ANd it makes something ugly twist in his gut, laughing at himself over thinking  that a practical demigod would be interested in someone who prefers books to most people and who has to wear charity shop clothes when he’s not in his school uniform and just— He’s an idiot. So when Sirius steps into the cart with Remus, James and Peter, and his look of contrition tosses to Remus  a beat passes. And  it’s quickly willed away when Remus just smiles warmly, tries to silently tell him not to worry about it, and asks out loud if he’d like a chocolate frog.

And it’s normal, it’s fine, the first weeks of term are typical as ever for the boys. They commit pranks on the creepy wankers like Snape and Avery. And they laugh at James’s latest failed attempt to woo Lily. And they spend all nighters in the library and celebrate with pickup games of footie. And it’s pretty bloody brilliant, but then Sirius’s birthday hits, and they plan a surprise for him on the astronomy tower in the middle of the night, filled with food and drinks  and friends. ANd Remus gets the key as prefect, and Peter sneaks in the booze with his free afternoon off and James make sure that everyone they like is there to celebrate the greatest git they all know. And Sirius is so, so happy when he sees it. Wich of course he is, Remus knows how difficult his parents are, how lonely he can get over the breaks without the lads. So he’s so, so happy to see that look of mirth twinkling in Sirius’s pale eyes, and he does everything he can to make it so Sirius is laughing all night long.

But towards the end, no matter how much he wants to make it the best night for Sirius, he just has to get away from the sight of Sirius dancing obscenely with Florence Whittemore. Because he doesn’t have to be a damn martyr. 

He goes to a private nook on the rooftop, and pulls out the pre-rolled spliff to light up, only sorta surprised when Sirius makes his way to him— far away from the crowd and away from the music. And he plops down on the step right  under his, obviously loaded and smiling like the sun, crooning “Moony,” over and over again and Remus can only dimple down  indulgently at him, carding his hand through Sirius’s hair gently, spurred on by the drinks and the weed and just by that quiet, unassuming love he has held for him like a torch all these years.

“Did you wear my favorite sweater on purpose?” Sirius asks, a bit slurred, tilting his head so it rests on Remus’s shoulder and he can feel the tendrils of his warm breath brushing against his neck, and Remus suddenly feels like he’s on fire again. 

And he looks down at the green sweater he’s got on, a gift from his Mam for his fifteenth last year and the one that he was wearing the first night Sirius kissed him. So, yeah maybe Remus wore it subconsciously precisely because of that. But he’d never tell him.

And neither of them could say who leaned forward first, but they were kissing again and it still feels like everything splendid and like Remus’s mind is melting right out of his head and it’s so fucking miraculous.

But then they hear a coughing and they spring apart in panic, only to meet Lily’s shrewd, green eyes and she’s glaring at Sirius like she could scorch a whole right through him. And she tells them that there’s a Filch sighting and they need to get to the dorms pronto. 

Sirius scrambles up, looking at them panicky like he doesn’t know what to say, but then Remus tells him to hurry along because he and Lily—as Prefects— are the only ones who won’t get in trouble for being out. And Sirius looks at Remus like there’s a thousand things he’d like to say, but nods soberly and sprints away, and Remus is objected to Lily’s silent, judgmental worrying for their entire track back downstairs.

Remus isn’t surprised when Sirius tells them all that he’s dating Florence now over breakfast, and Peter gazes at him in aw at pulling the fittest girl in their year, and James claps his back hardily and talks about the double dates they can go on now since he’s still dating Jeanette. As if James isn’t glancing back at Lily even as he’s speaking it, and as if Sirius isn’t peering over apologetically to Remus as if there was ever anything between them.

However, what does surprise Remus is when late that night, Sirius pads over to his bed in the middle of the night like they haven’t done since they were both 14, and they’re lying down, not looking at each other before Sirius kisses him again and Remus lets himself enjoy it, let himself melt into him. But then he remembers the pretty blonde girl who he’s actually dating and it hurts like nothing else when he tells him the next night when Sirius makes the same track to his bed that they can’t do anything because they’re going to ruin their friendship and he has a girlfriend and Remus just can’t. So Sirius nods, tells him he’s always been the best of them, and kisses his forehead before returning to his own bed. And Remus silently refutes the comment because he hates not letting himself even get the scraps.

So Sirius dates Florence for the next month or so, and Remus puts up with it because of course he does. Because if it’s Sirius’s friendship or nothing at all, he’d always pick the former. Would always want Sirius to be with him in anyway possible. But then over winter break he officially runaways from his barmy ancestral home and goes off to James’s house in the countryside. And he texts Remus, begging him to come visit for New Year’s Eve. So Remus does, even gets Lily to tag along.

And once they get there, Sirius just smacks a big one on him in front of literally a whole house of people— including James and James’s Parents and all the Potters’ friends— and he tells him that he loves him and that he doesn’t want to pretend they’re only friends anymore, and Remus is blushing and grinning, and he thinks that Sirius is the maddest bloke he knows and he loves him to.

And it’s good between them, it’s remarkable. Sirius is passionate about every aspect in his life so it’s no surprise how remarkable of a boyfriend he is, how his every splendid gesture is large and vivacious and vibrant in ways Remus can’t even describe.

But the thing is that Remus is just simply not like that, has never been loud or commanding a presence. When he’s the leader of something like a prank execution or a school project, he prefers to get input from the others, make them think they did an equal amount of work even if Remus was the one behind it all. He’s always been reserved, quiet. And it’s not that he’s shy, it’s just he doesn’t ever see a reason to make a big show out of everything. And Sirius has known him for over half a decade now, so Remus assumes that he gets it.

But then it’s apparent that sometimes he doesn’t think that Remus loves him as much— which is so bloody bonkers Remus can’t even fathom it. or he thinks that Remus is just going with the motions, dating Sirius just because Sirius asked him too. And that gets Remus mad, absolutely fucking furious. The idea that Sirius can doubt his emotions like that.

“Get your cocky head out your arse and think about how not everyone has to be as ruddy loud as you are.” Remus had yelled one night in the common room in early February when Sirius tried giving him a ridiculous teddy bear holding a heart as if he’s an actual sodding bird and he refused it and Sirius got tetchy. But then Sirius had laughed like the mad man he is and then snogged him within an inch of his life and Remus thinks he got his point across.

Their one, really huge blow out, is on Remus’s birthday when he gets to his birthday dinner with his parents who came up to celebrate. And Sirius was visibly, painfully drunk and he spluttered the whole three hours and Remus was secretly thankful that his parents only thought he was a friend and not his sodding boyfriend and by the time they got to the dorm Remus had shouted, really fucking shouted at him. Had screamed things that he would regret just as soon as they came out. But it was ridiculous and Sirius could be such an arse sometimes. And Sirius had yelled back about how fucking stuffy Remus is about everything and claiming that they didn’t even notice and who the fuck cares. And Remus was shaking so hard, grabbed his pillow and blankets to sleep in the common room instead.

But of course, he knew that Sirius would follow him, that Sirius always prodded whenever Remus wanted to just runaway, that he could never leave well enough alone. And they argue again but it quickly became them rutting up against each other in the middle of the night, atop the sofa where anyone could walk down an catch them an Remus didn’t care, just needed to feel Sirius, feel him all over.

Remus only found out the next day by a red faced and quiet Sirius that he was nervous, that he didn’t mean to get so sloshed but he’s already failed with his parents and he didn’t want Remus’s to know how much of a fucking screw up he is and Remus just kissed him gently and called him an idiot and they never spoke about it again.

A few weeks later, Sirius goes off to holiday with the Potters on the Moroccan coast and Remus was only sorta jealous, but he understood that Sirius has always starved for a family, a real family, and that this is good for him. And the Potters are lovely people, and nearly as wealthy as the Blacks— well erm, as close as can be possible for ordinary folks. And James is Sirius’s brother in all but blood. Of course Sirius wouldn’t want to spend the week in Remus’s sleepy hometown with his bookish father and somewhat smothering Mam. But then he gets a call at two in the morning— so three in the morning by them— and It’s a pissed Sirius screaming into the phone over the music of some club and Remus hears a girl’s voice crowing his name and he hangs up in the middle fo Sirius trying to tell him some story about a boat or llama or what the fuck ever. And then Sirius storms to their shared dormitory when they all got back, yelling at Remus for not answering his calls for the rest of the week, and then Remus screamed back that he didn’t want to keep him from his haram of girls. And Sirius snarled out that he didn’t kiss or even bloody flirt with any of them and that Remus needs to start trusting him or pull that stick out his ass. And Remus was just so taken aback he had no idea what to say, so he just shook his head, discarded words and pounced on him for them to snog instead— James and Peter rolling their eyes as they slowly exited the room.

And there entire relationship is a bit like that, firecrackers that simmer to something tender because their foundation has always been the purest, most important friendship and even though the sex is fucking miraculous and mind-blowing and maddeningly delicious, they’ll always be friends. 

So that’s why Remus gets so angry that Sirius is acting so blasé when Snape finds out about them and threatens to tell the whole school. “It’s not a big deal Moons, practically everyone who isn’t an idiot already knows.”

And Remus swears he saw red, felt his blood pressure pulse. “Well my parents don’t know, and I’d rather be the one to tell them instead of them hearing it from the gossip mill from one of the other students parents!”

And Sirius’s expression got very stoney right then, his shoulders drawn back and brows furrowed. “So what? You’re ashamed that you’re dating a bloke? Or a bloke who’s own parents didn’t want him?”

And Remus is so fucking gobsmacked, so disbelieving that this is still such a point of sensitivity for him. That he still isn’t quite comprehensive just how much and how thoroughly and how desperately Remus loves him, and all that comes out is “You’re a bloody pillock.” And Sirius doesn’t give him enough time to explain himself and before he knows it they’re on the train home and Sirius isn’t even talking to him and he’s home in Wales once more.

He tries messaging Sirius all summer long, tries explaining himself. He even tells his parents that he’s as gay as the day is long, and they were so supportive that it gave him hope. But then Remus goes to Lily’s house one night for a movie, and her phone pins with a snap notification from James, and she tells him to open it for her while she tries pulling out the biscuits from the oven, and Remus Sees a dorky looking James, a London night club’s logo on the bottom of the filter and it’s all innocent until he really looks and he sees Sirius— clear as day, and he’s kissing another bloke. A blonde, good looking bloke that Remus could never be and one that Sirius deserves. And he feels so empty, so exhausted, so tired of it all as he numbly hands it over to a anxious looking Lily.

And Remus decides right then that he and Sirius really need to end this. 

They need to cut all the strings of this ill-fated romance, because they’re both too volatile and too sporadic. They can’t risk their friendship over this. Remus can’t lose Sirius just because Remus never deserved him as a boyfriend.

So when they get back to classes for their sixth year, Remus pretends nothing had ever happened between them.

He acts cordial, and companionable and like the friend he was to Sirius before he let his bloody emotions get in the way. And Sirius is suspicious but cautious and sometimes he looks like he does when he wanted to kiss him, so Remus would have to race off and he’d stay out late as possible in the library so to get back to their room after they’ve all fallen asleep. And he’s thankful he does the one time he finds that Sirius had ended up falling asleep in Remus’s bed while waiting up for him.

On one of those nights out to the library he begins speaking with Ezra.

Ezra is a prefect also, and he’s a year above them in classes so he gladly helps Remus with the questions he has for the course work. He’s extremely handsome, and Remus doesn’t feel so guilty when he recognizes the fact. He’s got brown hair numerous shades darker from Remus’s tawny color, and he’s got very lovely green eyes and he smiles at Remus shyly. So it’s not a surprise when he kisses him softly for the first time in early October, and it’s nice. It’s not fire licking up his insides like Sirius’s kisses are, but it’s sweet. And he’s sweet. 

They go out on casual dates to the city on allotted weekends and they drink coco by the fire. He tells Remus about growing up right outside Edinburgh and Remus tells him about the sea glass his Mam taught him to find by the ocean, and his collection of shells and his favorite peer to watch the sunset and Ezra listens like he is so very interested. And They’re a quiet pair, even the first time he gives Remus a blow job behind the greenhouses. And it’s good, because it’s fucking sex of course its good. But he doesn’t know how to use his tongue like Sirius learned how, or how to squeeze just a bit too tightly around his shaft when he’s lapping the head. But it’s not Ezra’s fault. Sirius and Remus had plenty of practice, the one thing they did more than laugh or argue was fuck. And that’s because it was always fun, always good. They stumbled through it together and learned what they liked and what they didn’t and how amazing it felt whenever they were intwined like that— When Sirius was on top of him, underneath him, deep inside of him and all around him.

But that’s not a fair comparison. Sirius has always excelled in everything, has always been a supernova. And Remus needs to learn how to be his friend again, and stop remembering all those times between the sheets or hidden behind the greenhouses or sometimes even in closets between classes.

And they’re getting there. Sirius has stopped trying to wait up for him, and he laughs at his jokes easily again. He doesn’t touch Remus, not really, not ever. And he looks like a flicker has been blown out behind his disarmingly handsome face, but they’re getting closer.

And Ezra is great, Ezra is so amazing. He’s sweet and he texts Remus a good night and good morning message every day. He walks him to class and they kiss softly goodbye. He buys Remus cherry filled brownies even tho that’s possibly the one type of chocolate he doesn’t like. But he eats them anyways because he knows they’re expensive. And he steadfastly ignores the box of his favorite caramel ones that are left on his bed the morning after Ezra got them for him.

And when Ezra comes over their house for Christmas he’s perfect in front of his parents. He complements the dinner Lyall made and how lovely Hope’s necklace is. And he gets along seamlessly with Lily when they met up nearly every night to go out to the tree in the center of her hometown or ice skating or to take pictures by the lights.

But when he leaves, Remus just feels empty. He stays up all night thinking about it, about why he can’t love Ezra the way he loved— the way he’s always loved and continues to love Sirius. How he will forever love Sirius. And he ends up cursing Sirius’s name a thousand times over throughout  the span of one night.

And it’s back to the start of the story with Remus and Lily lounging in his living room and looking at the photo and Remus feels his eyes watering and Lily kissing his cheek while silently handing him his phone.

They exchange a smile.

And Remus decides he’ll talk to Ezra in person, explain how he’s a great guy and how lucky Remus was to be with him. But now— well now he needs to slide open his phone because he can hardly breathe anymore.

And when he hears Sirius’s familiar, golden baritone answering tentatively, “Hiya Moons.”

And Remus swallows down the emotion in his throat, and he just loves him so much.

“Can you drive up here? Preferably not with the bike.”

“James’s Dad left us his car.” Sirius retorts, and Remus can hear the smile in his voice. “But, are you sure?”

And Remus wants to scream it to the clouds and the ocean and the mountain tops that of course he is, that this— the emotions he has for Sirius, the way he loves him— is the one sure thing in his life.

“I love you Pads.”

A silence beats between them before he hears Sirius answer back, buoyant and vivid and so much him that it aches.

“I love you to Moony. I love you so much.”

[90spumkin]

Love Knows No Bounds

Summary: This is just a cute little fic about Spencer being a Dad because I feel that we were rob of that.

A/N: So what do I do with my spare time after testing positive for Covid? I write this gem instead of doing my psychology homework or editing ‘Unexpected Switch Part Three’. I hope you all enjoy this though.

Warning: None... I don’t think...I’m always scared that I’m going to forget something and not warn ya’ll so like always if you see anything please tell me!

Word Count: 1501

Spencer Reid could say the word love in multiple languages. He could give you synonyms for the word that you would have to google to even know existed. But he found it hard to describe what love felt like, especially in this moment.

As he held his precious newborn baby daughter for the very first time, he realized the love he was feeling was so overwhelming hard to describe. As he ran his thumb across the baby’s soft cheek and smiled, he came to the conclusion that this love was just a pure love. It is so different from the love he has for his wife, his mom, or his BAU team.

 He looked up from the bundle in his arms to see his wife smiling from her hospital bed as she watched him bond with their baby. He smiled back and walked over and gave her a kiss on the forehead all while ushering her ‘to get some sleep’.

 The nurse walks in not long after to check the vitals of his wife and daughter and she notices that he couldn’t take his eyes off either of the sleeping females. She smiled and asks, “May I ask how you came up with the baby girl’s name?”

Spencer’s smile was so big it took up most of his face as he told the nurse, “Eliza is for my wife’s mother, Diana is my mother’s name, and Faith is for the faith we had that this pregnancy would be the one we longed for after two miscarriages.”

The nurse finished checking the vitals and told Spencer, “Well it is a very lovely name.”

Spencer just kind of laughed to himself and said to himself after the nurse was long gone, “It is the loveliest name for the loveliest girl.”

——

It has been 5 years since the first day Spencer held his baby girl for the first time. And the love he felt then seems to only get stronger every day if that is even possible.

As he sits in his favorite chair reading to Eliza and listening to his wife singe while she cooks in the kitchen after long week gone due to a case; Spencer is overwhelmed once again with love.

 He finishes the book only to have Eliza climb down from his lap and disappear into her room. She then comes running back with another book and says, “Please Daddy just one more?” She gives him her big brown puppy dog eyes that mirror his own and he can’t help but to sit her in his lap once more and begin reading.

All while this is happening his wife is watching and still quietly singing with a smile on her face while she to is overwhelmed with love.

————

Love can be shown in many ways and the worry and protectiveness Spencer was feeling right now was a prime example. Him and his wife new that Eliza would be special since a very young age, but it never once crossed Spencer’s mind that she would get bullied for it. He did not feel like a genius for not thinking of this considering he too got bullied in school for being “to smart”.

As Eliza sat between Spencer and his wife, he could hear her tiny sobs and her whispers of continuously asking, “Why do they hate me?”

This absolutely broke Spencer’s heart. His wife was smoothing their daughters hair down and soothingly trying to talk to her when Eliza sat up and look Spencer right in the eyes and said, “I blame you!” and stormed into her room and slammed the door.

Spencer was in so much shock that he hadn’t realized he had tears forming in his eyes. His wife got his attention and told me, “Spence go talk to her. She’s just hurt and needs her Dad no matter what she says.”

Spencer nodded, gave his wife a kiss, and walked to his crying daughters room. He knocked once he reached her door and when he got no response, he hesitantly opened the door. He found Eliza sitting on her bed with dry tear stains on her cheeks and small hiccups. She looked up as he entered, and she threw her arms around him and apologized over and over for saying what she did.

Spencer hugged his little girl back tightly and they sat on her bed and he began to tell her of all the great things she will be able to accomplish with her brilliant mind. He threw some funny stories in there so he could hear her sweet laugh and see her face brighten up as she smiled.

It did not take long till she had fallen asleep, worn out by all the crying. As he sat and watched his sweet Eliza sleep, he made a vow to do everything his power to never let her feel like this ever again.

———-

Spencer was once again recalling how love has many forms, and this time love was causing him pain. Eliza was in her 10th year of high school, and the youngest of her class she was bound to go through some phases. Well she was going through one heck of a rebellious stage.

“Eliza Diana Faith Reid get in here now!” He had to force himself to calm down trying not to get to worked up. His wife ran a hand across his back trying to calm him some before their daughter walked in.

She came into the living room and ask, “What?” with so much attitude it took everything Spencer had to not just ground her right then and there without getting an explanation for what he had summoned her for.

He held up a pregnancy test he had accidentally found while gathering the trash from her bedroom earlier that day.

“Do you care to explain why you have a used pregnancy test in your bedroom?” He asked as calmly as he possibly could.

Eliza stood there in fear, “It’s not mine I promise! Ummm, Teresa got involved with this senior and she was scared to take the test at her house, so she took it here. I did not realize she had thrown it away here. You have to believe me Dad!”

Spencer pinched the bridge of his nose as his wife says, “Teresa was here Tuesday it is very possible.”

The intelligent Doctor looked between his wife and daughter and realized that Eliza’s fear was not fear of consequences but fear of him not trusting her. Spencer nodded and whispered a small, “Okay I believe you.”

Eliza gave both her parents quick hugs before returning to her room.

Spencer practically threw himself onto the couch and his wife followed him. They looked at each other and began to laugh at the events that had just played out. Spencer thought how love had made it painful to accuse his daughter of a rebellious act, but how it made him happy knowing by the look on his daughter’s face she would never go that far to disappoint him.

——-

Love has made Spencer feel many other different emotions over the years and today was no different. As he sat watching his wife a daughter scream and jump with joy, what Spencer was feeling was pride.

His sweet Eliza was accepted to many different colleges across the U.S. and a few abroad, but none of them had been her dream school until her acceptance letter from Harvard came in.

“I can’t believe I got in! The Law School program at that!” Eliza all but squealed.

Spencer chuckled and said, “I still don’t see why you wasn’t this excited about CalTech?”

Eliza just rolled her eyes and groaned. Spencer once again chuckled and hugged his daughter and told her, “I am so happy for you and beyond proud of you baby girl!”

He looked up at his wife over their daughters’ shoulder and saw she was taking a picture to capture this love filled moment.

———-

As Spencer walked down the aisle to give his baby girl away, he remembered every moment he had with his daughter. His eidetic memory not letting him miss a single thing. He felt the same overwhelming love then as he had the first day he held her in his arms.

He stood at the alter to give his precious Eliza away to the man who would now get the chance to feel the love that knowing her brings. As he goes to part from her, she hugs him and whispers, “I love you more than you could ever imagine.” As they pull away with tears in bother their eyes he smiles and tell her, “I love you more than humanly possible.” She gives a small laugh as she joins her future husband he sits beside his wife. And she takes his hand and he kisses the crown of her head and listens to Eliza say her vows he cannot help but to agree when she says, “Love knows no bounds.”

*

*

*

@criminalmindzjunkie​ @hendersonsshadow​ @brooklynxnicole​

[steve-hairingtons]

steve as a dad headcanon pls

word count: 2.2k

WARNINGS: mention of smut, pregnancy

EDIT: I CANNOT GET THIS FIC TO SAVE WITH THE READ MORE LINK. SORRY IF THIS IS AN INCONVENIENCE.

°

you and steve moved in together a year before he proposed

you settled on a small, white house in a few houses away from dustin’s

of course

it had yellow shutters, a basement, a garage, and a decently sized backyard

and, to make yourselves even more of a family, you adopted a puppy from hawkins animal shelter

she was a golden retriever

given up as soon as possible after she was born

steve fell in love at first sight

you named her bella

one night, you were enjoying your evening walk in the neighborhood with bella

dustin was tagging along

you weren’t even a block away when you saw your neighbor’s kids playing in the yard

bella freaked out and took off running

the leash accidentally slipped out of steve’s grip

when steve got over there, bella had tackled the child to the ground

steve was freaking out

the toddler was laughing and squealing

you both apologized to his mom that was outside watching them from the porch

she wasn’t mad at all

she said that they saw you walking bella the other day

her kid freaked out and wanted to play with her but she told her no

when you walked over to the mom to talk, you realized she was holding another small baby in a carrier strapped to her chest

a baby girl

probably only a few weeks old

steve was secretly freaking out because he’s always thought babies were the cutest things ever

steve started using bella as a reason to see your neighbor’s kids more

you soon became close with them

steve is always playing princess with the older one when he babysat her

he would play dress up with her all the time

they’d call each other “prince” and “princess”

you could always hear them in your spare bedroom

steve would be using different voices

and she’d be laughing

you thought it was hilarious

but damn if it didn’t do something to you

one day he was watching her and you were looking after the infant

he finally put her down for a nap

and he came to sit with you in the living room only to find you passed out as well with the snoozing baby boy on your chest

he couldn’t help but imagine how that’s what you would look like holding his baby one day

the second their mom picks them up, he’s already scheming up a plan to babysit them again

you started teasing him

saying he’d gotten soft

but he wanted a baby of his own

even though he always thought kids were for people that settled

but he’d changed his mind

he hadn’t told you that yet

but you picked up on it

“i love kids,” you said as you watched them leave with their mom

“i know,” he responded

“have you ever thought of having some of your own?” you asked

he shrugged

“i don’t know, maybe”

you smiled

“liar”

“am not”

“come on, steve. you’re a natural. that little girl loves you, and you love looking after her”

“to be completely honest, i could never see myself as a dad until i met you,” he said with a small smile

“really?”

he nodded

“i wanna experience all of that with you. kids, houses, dogs, grandkids, all that sappy shit”

you smiled back

“well, we’ve crossed two of those off the list”

“we have”

“i love you, steve”

“i love you, too”

he leaned over and kissed you, and soon the kisses became more passionate

“maybe we should cross a third one off the list,” he said as he closed the door

“mm? and which one is that?”

he gently pushed you against the wall and kissed you passionately

“oh, i get it”

he picked you up and carried you into your room

a couple of weeks later, you woke up vomiting

you had a spare pregnancy test under the sink

it was positive

when you told steve you could’ve sworn he was gonna melt where he was standing

he was so happy

he cried

he immediately started talking about names

you went over to dustin’s one day for movie night with the rest of the kids

and you told them

dustin almost cried

when you were finally able to get into the doctor’s office, they confirmed it for you

that night you and steve had the best sex you’d ever had

he was literally the perfect partner to have during pregnancy

the whole thing was hard

it destroyed your hips

you always had a headache

and your back and shoulders always hurt

but steve was always there for you

he was always pampering you

making sure you were as comfortable as possible

when he would sit with you on the couch, he wouldn’t even ask

he’d just grab your feet and swing them into his lap

and start massaging them

and talk to you like it’s nothing

he’d watch whatever shitty movie you wanted without putting up a fight

he wouldn’t say anything when you’d get emotional at dumb stuff because of your hormones

you cried during one movie when a dog died

and you held bella tight

even though Steve wanted to laugh at you, he just laid there massaging your feet

rubbing on you

and cuddling with you

he also grew his own belly bump during your pregnancy

you ate a lot

so did steve

at first he was disappointed

“my body looks awful”

you slapped him on the shoulder

“i’m bigger than you”

and he would chuckle

speaking of bellies, steve was obsessed with yours

it was impossible for him to keep his hands off of it and you

usually it was you laying on him on the couch with his arms around your bump

or in bed

a little reminder for himself that his child is in there

he also thinks you’re hot naked while pregnant

he always thought you were hot but especially when pregnant

he could sit and watch/feel the baby kick for hours on end

he loved it

he would touch your belly to try to get it to kick

you have to tell him to knock it off constantly because it made the baby push on your bladder

he liked to talk at night about what you think your baby will be like

or what the sex would be

it was still too early to find out

he was always wondering what kind of kid they would be

what kind of music they were gonna like

whether or not they’ll inherit his hair

he got really anxious for a while about his ability to be a dad

his own father wasn’t the best dad

he swore up and down your entire relationship that he wouldn’t be like him

but there was always doubt in the back of his mind

he couldn’t stand the thought of his child hating him the way he did his dad

he wouldn’t bring it up until you coaxed it out of him

you found him late one night standing in the nursery

just staring at the crib with a sad look on his face

you rubbed his back

and he just starts crying because he’s kept it inside up for so long

his parents were always a touchy subject

so you knew that his emotions and fear are bad for a reason

you brought him back to bed

and big spooned him for the first and only time in your entire pregnancy

you didn’t really fit well together

because of your bump

the rest of the night was spent with you playing with his hair

pressing small kisses to his skin

and quietly reassuring him that everything will be fine

when you were five months pregnant, you found out it was a girl

steve cried

“a girl?” he asked

you also cried

“we’re having a little girl,” you said

you sat in the car in the parking lot for almost an hour just staring at the ultrasound photos

“i can’t believe our child is gonna be here in four months,” you said with a smile

and you looked at him

“you’re gonna be the best dad ever”

he smiled

“i hope so”

“you will. i know it”

four months later, your water broke when you were at dustin’s

you were cooking for the kids and dropped steve’s plate

you thought you peed yourself at first but then the pain

steve ran over

“babe, are you okay?”

“we need to go to the hospital”

“what?”

“my water broke, steve”

the terror and happiness that crossed his face would’ve made you laugh if you weren’t covered in fluids

he started freaking out

pacing back and forth

while you were begging him to help you put your shoes on

dustin and max helped you

you tried telling him the baby wasn’t coming for at least half a day

but he wasn’t paying attention

the kids all came with you

and steve and max stood next to you and held your hands

steve cried again while cutting the umbilical cord

he told you it was his of his proudest moments

just above when you told him you were pregnant

you’d never seen him cry so hard

you named her sarah

sarah harrington

the first thing you noticed was her hair

she had red hair

and a lot of it

“i knew she’d have your hair,” you told him

and she had blue eyes

red hair and blue eyes

just like max

“she looks like you,” lucas said to max

while you recovered, steve refused to put her down

you were in the hospital for two more days

he only slept a few hours while you were there

they taught you how to breastfeed and change a diaper

he quickly figured out that he could only sleep with her on his chest while you were in the hospital

the sight of Steve napping with her was enough to give you baby fever again

the kids all went home the day after you gave birth

when you brought her home, steve made you go to bed and take a nap

you had never been more sore

but you were happy

bella adored her

she always wanted to be right there with her

she would whine if she didn’t sleep in the nursery

he was always taking pictures of her

you were always in them too

you hated when he did it

there were ones of you asleep while breastfeeding

ones of you looking tired as hell while you’re holding her

ones of you covered in vomit while holding her at arms length

you got him back by taking hundreds of pictures of her yanking on his hair

and of her sticking her hand in his mouth

and random ones of the two of them passed out on the couch

sleeping in the same exact position

some with the kids

specifically dustin

the first time robin saw her was the first time she liked a baby

she gushed over her

she wanted to hold her all day

she and the kids all volunteered to babysit

robin would tease him

“what’s she gonna think when she finds out her dad is a dingus”

but steve didn’t take it personally anymore

he loved it

he was always trying to get sarah to smile

and he played with her

he was the exact opposite of most dads that sit around and expect the moms to do all of the work

he was the opposite of his dad

he was super involved with her and always wanted to make sure she was having a good time

he took her to the park with bella to walk a lot

he would always put her in a carrier on his chest

sarah also loved to nap on the bella’s belly

you also have a lot of pictures of them together

steve was home alone with her while you were at work when she took her first steps

he was sat on the couch watching tv

she was playing in the floor with bella

he wasn’t paying attention until he absentmindedly looked down to check on her

he realized she was about to start walking and started freaking out

he got down on the floor and she managed to take a few steps before falling into his arms

he immediately picked her up and told her how proud he was of her

her first word was also ‘dada’ and it made him cry too

she was such a daddy’s girl

you were so relieved because of how worried he was over whether or not he’d be like his dad

she was always happy and laughing

steve always looked forward to coming home from work

because even if he had the worst day possible

he knew seeing her smiling face as soon as he walked in made the whole day worth it

he always got sentimental over everything she did

because he wanted to give her the world

he was so proud of the little human he helped make

he was already talking about having another before her first birthday

you told him that you want to wait until she’s at least 2

and the night of her second birthday party

after all of the guests left

and the decorations had been taken down

and your daughter was in bed

you two had sex

and the entire process started all over again

send me prompts!

[five-wow]

i watched 10.20! thoughts under the cut, as always.

steve running away from his memories in slow motion is how we start out and i should have expected that because i’ve seen this as a preview but still, oh gosh. (i also just have... so many things to say about all of the parental figures we’re shown steve is thinking of and all of their many, many failings, but that would turn into far too long a meta analysis of steve’s life to even start in on it now. (it makes me so mad though. urgh. you ruined a perfectly good human! look, it’s got, well, about a million issues, really. slow mo beach running means things are either romantic or very bad in fiction world, and i regret to say it’s not the former for steve.))

tani rolls over in bed and it’s empty but it’s empty because junior has been up making her a HUGE BREAKFAST. HE IS WEARING AN APRON. I AM IN FAVOR OF THIS.

i already know tani has some issues with self worth relationships and that they work it out at the end of the episode (i’ve seen the gifs of junior offering to be less sweet and tani telling him VERY RIGHTFULLY that he wouldn’t know how) so i’m not extremely worried, but ahhh, it’s still so sad to see junior put in all this adorable effort that tani fully deserves and tani just doesn’t know how to accept it. heartbreaking from both angles, nooo.

ALSO, tani says she usually just grabs a coffee on her way to work and junior says “yeah, and you’re usually late because of it” and i literally today wrote a paragraph for a fic where i claim that tani is usually first at the office these days (because danny forces steve and junior to sit down for breakfast with him), so way to debunk my writing, canon that i clearly should have just watched a week ago so i could have avoided this situation. :p

“i shouldn’t have asked you to stay over.” ack. no. junior’s face is breaking my heart now, too.

and then he STARTS CLEANING UP. jfc, boy, we already know you’re a saint, you don’t have to keep proving it when you’re looking like a kicked puppy.

ahhh i just realized that if danny is not in this episode because he’s... idk, visiting family again? and junior is staying over at tani’s place, then steve is home alone. that’s bad timing, guys.

ah, RIGHT. he’s not home alone, because gerard hirsch broke in and started drinking his coffee. i’m having flashbacks to sang min, ha.

fdjkfdjkfd okay, this is a good scene, though. eddie! steve’s faces! steve LEAVING THE THE DOORS UNLOCKED becuase he doesn’t like running with his keys! also what, he came in through the back door and he apparently leaves the front door open too, like... just in case? STEVE NO.

aha, danny’s on spring break with the kids! okay, danny, you know what, you forgot someone. home alone: fully grown navy seal edition.

hirsch: “so, i’m guessing reyrei is now official.” fjdkfd i never quite know how to feel when shows include shipnames in their canon because it’s usually very weird, but i appreciate the effort, i think!

i’ve genuinely enjoyed hirsch’s reappearance so far, but as soon as he took tani to meet his uncle (who is now a suspect in a murder cold case) i knew there was going to be an uncomfortable comment about tani being pretty and yes, yes, there was. i mean. i guess i got to enjoy being right?

hirsch: “i know from personal experience she does not respond to talk like that.” okay!!! you know what, i can actually work with that. hirsch is learning, developing, maybe ditching his grosser habits. as long as they’re not going back on that in this same episode, that’s good!

very convenient to have the guy you’re questioning already hooked up to a machine that tattles on his heartrate, haha.

tani: “he made me breakfast.” hirsch: “that monster!” i am. i am actually starting to like hirsch in this episode and it is very strange but very nice.

fjdkfdjk junior says that he knows for a fact that danny got everybody “one of those” (an alexa) for christmas, and i LOVE THAT because it’s wonderful continuity with 10.16, when steve calls on alexa to prove he’s going on a date and they make a whole point of mentioning that danny bought him the thing. also, though, danny, bud - i don’t know how great it is to give all of your friends the temptation to let amazon spy on their lives even more than it already does. maybe go for socks next year.

junior unloads on lou and then they have a tiny dance party in the car and that’s so unexpectedly cute, omg.

very random, but i just really appreciate duke. he’s been there from the very beginning and he’s still giving the team these valuable little bits of needed exposition on the regular. he’s very loyal and drama free and it’s always nice to see his face. shout out to duke.

the old roommate of hirsch’s uncle tells a story that sounds very accidentally incriminating for hirsch’s uncle, which probably means the roommate is the actual murderer. i’m calling it now.

the roommate actually SAYS the uncle was the murderer! ooooh. he’s definitely guilty now.

tani agrees with me!!! only she has some actual evidence to back this claim up apart from knowing how crime show plots work, because she is a Good Detective.

steve talks the grieving widow who was part of a diamond thieving couple down from the brink of killing her husband’s killer by telling her he knows what it’s like to lose “the most important person in your life” and it’s very obvious the writers are making a point here but it’s also very good!

though i did keep getting a little distracted by how perfect this woman’s hair was after running through the woods, lying on the floor half dead, spending most of the day in hospital and then going on a violent quest for revenge. damn. diamonds buy amazing hair products and a personal styling team on call for when you’re in the middle of a crime spree/emergency, i guess.

some eddie/hirsch hints here that i’m going to ignore because oh dear god no.

i??? from the gifs i saw i assumed that the episode would end with some kind of party in the mcgarrett backyard, but that’s not what is currently happening as such, so those string lights are just... always there? oh my gosh. i have no idea if we’ve seen them before and i’m only just now paying attention to it, but more importantly, i don’t know if i want steve to have put those up himself, or danny to have bought them and forced them on steve’s garden like he forced alexa on steve, except with less moral issues connected to a tech giant harvesting your personal data.

tani opens up and she’s crying and junior tells her he’s not going anywhere (duh) and I’M crying!

junior, mid-hug: “i could totally start being meaner, if that’s what you want.” I STILL LOVE THAT. that’s so stupid and so sweet and so stupidly sweet.

oh boyyy, while everyone is having their social moments somewhere in the house, steve is hiding out in his garage and listening to his father telling him not to be a cop on tape. AWESOME. I’M SURE THAT’S FUN AND OKAY AND NOT SETTING UP ANYTHING. this is also why this steve needs a danny in his life, because it’s definitely high time for some agressively caring emotional support to be forced upon this man.

annnnd he gets a call from a british guy who wants to hand deliver him a package from doris.

steve just. hangs up on the guy. omg. perfect. please keep doing that and maybe just, wait for danny and the kids to come home and hug them and take like, a little mental health break? instead of, you know, breaking your mental health, over stuff your mother did, again? gosh.

i will admit i really enjoyed hirsch in this episode! i did not see that coming (and it probably won’t make me like him more in previous episodes) but it was a delightful surprise. and TANI AND JUNIOR, ahhh, i am proud of them and their communication and i love them and junior is the best and tani is perfect. did i mention that i love them? i do. i love them.

(re: the steve angst, i refuse to get myself more worked up about that than i low key already am constantly, so i’m electing to mostly ignore it for now. i’ll see what happens next friday. whatever it is, it’s going to happen whether i want it to or not, so best to make it as painless for myself as possible.)

[grandthorkiday]

Mob AU “Playthings” Part 24

[Link to mob!au anon’s “Playthings" fic tag]

[Start at Part 1]*

(*Note: Link is editable for other parts, just change the number. For mobile users, tag is “playthings part1”)

Note from @loxxxlay: MOB ANON HAS REVEALED THEMSELVES!! They are @red-shadow-wolf-19 and they have plans to write more Grandthorki in the future! Go follow them for more of their fics <3

They dragged him out of the bedroom when it was announced on the news the next morning. He knelt in front of the large flat screen, amongst the games controllers that had been his brother’s solice, and watched as the a newscaster said in a sympathetic but efficient manner, “Thor Valhalla was found this morning in critical condition after what appears to be an assault. He was rushed to a hospital but pronounced dead on arrival. He was thirty two.”

“The Brat is dead! Long live the Brat!” Mario crowed, and the crew laughed.

Gast used one finger to lift Loki’s face to his. “You always have your exit strategy, sweetheart. Remember?” He said it almost kindly.

“M-may I go back to the bedroom?”

Back away from the crew and stares, Loki bent over the toilet and threw up in peace. He sobbed into the tile floor, aware that no one this time would come in and stroke his hair or hold him or sing some stupid song from their childhood. It was just him now.

They next day, they dragged him out again. This time because he had to cook breakfast. Life goes on.

Gast began making the rounds on the radio shows, calling in to dramatically cry about the death of one of his lost soulmates. He kept Loki in his lap, hugging him close like a stuffed animal. Occasionally the host would ask after the brunette. Grandmaster’s eyes would flick up to his, and he would politely look away. “In no fit state to talk to anyone, sadly.”

Naturally, that really wasn’t the case. Around three o'clock, Loki found a phone being shoved in his face as he laid on the bed.

“Call the hospital. Tell them you want the body. You can do that, you’re family.” There was an emphasis on ‘family’ that made his skin crawl, but he took the phone and did as he was told. Thor had told him to be good.

[read more cut]

The hospital, unfortunately, was making it difficult. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Valhalla, but Mr. Thor Valhalla’s body was released to your Father already. You will have to speak to him and your sister. I am so sorry for your loss.”

“I-I am his…,” he could barely say the words. He’d wanted to scream them for the last six to seven years, and now he barely had the energy to form a syllable.

“I’m so sorry.”

When he hung up and explained the situation, the slap to the face was almost welcome. “Call your sister! I want his body!”

Thor would have cheekily asked why he hadn’t kept it. He would have couched it as a light-hearted question. Loki simply dialled from memory Hela’s number and said nothing.

“I want Thor’s body,” he said with preamble once she answered the phone.

“Oh, Loki! I-”

“Please, Hela. I want to bury him. We-” he glanced at Gast who looked back at him expectantly, “we want to bury him.”

“After he-”

“He’s my husband, Hela…we got married. Did you know that? I’m legally allowed to have a say over what happens to his…remains.”

“I know, Loki. He told us.”

Loki took a shakey breath, the painful reminder of why Thor wasn’t there twisting in gut like a knife. “Hela, don’t make me fight you in court. Don’t make him fight you. Please, right now…”

“Daddy wants to bury Thor too.” It was said quickly, cutting him off.

“Near Mom?” he couldn’t help the hope that entered his voice.

“N-no. Um…he’s having Thor cremated and buried in another plot.” There was a quick and muffled dialogue on the other end of the phone before she came back. “I suppose we could um…share….him. Split the ashes.”

Loki felt like vomiting again. “Split the ashes?” He glanced at the Grandmaster who shrugged and nodded his assent. “O-okay.”

They arranged when he would come to pick up the ashes. Hela tried to invite him to their private funeral service, but he hung up on her instead. He had to be good. He had to survive. Grandmaster kissed his forehead and tucked him into bed for that.

That’s when he brought 'the trophy’ out. Loki nearly screamed and fled the bedroom, but he forced himself to remain where he was. The older man placed the glass container of strange viscous liquid on the bedside counter. The blue iris of Thor’s eye looked unreal and otherworldly, the veins and disconnected tissue floating out like tentacles or rays of lightning. Loki looked at it in morbid fascination.

“I said, it was his best feature,” Gast said simply, running a finger down the side of the glass.

“Yes.”

“Well one of his best features. But you can’t persevere an ass.”

“That’s why you called him Sparkles. Because of his eyes.”

“It’s not like he shot lightning or something.”

“May I keep his things? At least his drawings?”

“I guess. But keep them somewhere neat. I don’t want them everywhere,” he reached over and laid out three more items: a needle, a small bag of blue crystals, and a lighter. He left, without another word as Loki took them.

~2020~

He honestly couldn’t remember clearly the last few months. He remembered the funeral. Gast had made an emotional fifteen minute eulogy before bringing him to the front of the packed church to speak. He stood at the lectern, stuttering out something unintelligible before breaking down into sobs at the sight of the blown up picture of Thor. He had been gathered into the Grandmaster’s embrace, though they didn’t leave the altar. The cameras and the world needed to see him.

After that, his life was series of color and moments of sobriety. He tried to stay away from harder stuff, keeping mostly to alcohol and weed, but Gast kept giving him the crystals when he got 'too weepy’. He now slept and lived permanently in the master bedroom. He didn’t have to cook much anymore, mostly because no one trusted him around a stove. But he was good. Perfect. So they couldn’t complain.

Sometimes, he could forget everything. Gast would hold him in his lap during one of the numerous meetings, and Loki would simply exist, as though he had been willed into being just to please this man. Then, he would catch sight of the bar, or maybe something would brush across his cheek and it would come all crashing back. He would hug the man closer, for there was no one else he was allowed to touch anymore, and he would be given a glass of alcohol to keep quiet.

“My poor Lo Lo. All alone now.” He forgets when this was said to him exactly, but the ridiculous sweater he remembers Gast wearing made him think of Christmas. “Maybe I should get you a buddy. An itsy bitsy friend?”

He remembers the tablet being pushed into his face so he could stare at a Facebook page. The kid barely looked out of high school, standing in his board shorts and tank top, his brown hair being picked up by a breeze. He had a wide innocent smile as showed off a farmer’s tan. The photo was posted by Peter Parker, with a caption 'this boi thirsty! For lemonade it’s hooooott’ followed by a confusing jumble of emojis.

Loki had felt his stomach twist and an emotion akin to jealousy and guilt with a twinge of nostalgia settle there. But he was good. Perfect. So he had said as brightly as possible, “He’s cute!”

“I knew you would like him!” Grandmaster had cooed, as though he had picked out a puppy. He had kissed Loki so sweetly, again he almost forget everything. Even Thor’s eye still on the bedside counter.

Loki was slightly drunk when the police finally came to arrest the Grandmaster. They had been expected, but late. To the mobster’s delight he had made quite a scene. They had been at a restaurant, watching Peter, Loki still stalling the inevitable when they had came, led by Bruce Banner. He had tried to scratch the cuffs away and nearly punched Bruce’s face. To the man’s credit, he had been very gentle and guided him back to his seat before continuing. Gast naturally was home the next day, already gloating.

This time the DA did not push for a gag order. They seemed rather unconcerned with what the Grandmaster said or did. And he took full advantage of that fact.

“We’re still mourning our Thor and they do this! After his family would not come to the funeral!”

“Awful,” the interviewer said, shaking her head sympathetically. “Loki, do you have anything to add.”

“Why are they doing this to us? Haven’t…haven’t we lost enough?” He broke down with each word. They didn’t cut away as he choked and sobbed. It made for good television, he supposed.

When they DA announced they had a secret witness, there was a large meeeting in the penthouse about who it was. No one suspected Loki; he rarely left the apartment anymore, and if he could get away with it he stayed mostly in the bedroom. Besides, the secret witness was apparently in protective custody. Anyone who was late or didn’t attend the meeting immediately fell under suspicion and fingers were pointed even at those who showed up early. It was utter chaos. Gast loved it. Loki slipped away to the bedroom with a bottle of wine.

The day of the opening of the trial, Loki was woken up and made to put on the clothes he had worn at the funeral. They were a little too big on him now, he had lost some weight since then, but he still looked impressive. His eyes were bloodshot from all the drinking and drugs, so they gave him a pair of sunglasses.

“Can you even walk a straight line,” Gast asked him mockingly. He could, but his hands shook. They gave him a flask for his pocket and a packet of cigarettes. He didn’t have a wallet or cellphone anymore. He hadn’t since Thor died. All the money under his and his husband’s old mattress had been taken and redistributed to the penthouse crew, except for a hundred dollars which Loki had used for his last solo trip in the city to pick up Thor’s ashes.

The courthouse was packed with the press and the public when they arrived. Gast waved good-humoredly at them as they entered. He made a big production of helping Loki to his seat, kissing and fawning over him. He let the sunglasses dip for a moment so people could see his eyes. Naturally, the press would assume it was because of tears not alcohol. Topaz settled in next to him, a more 'comforting’ figure than Mario.

Stark and Romanov entered, ignoring the press as they went to their table. They spoke in low voices and passed a cellphone and a tablet back and forth between them. Loki didn’t pay attention, keeping his eyes forward on Gast and trying to memorize the New York seal on the judge’s bench.

“All rise!” called the bailiff. The courthouse stood as a small heavily whiskered man soon and settled himself in the high bench. “The Honorable Patel preceding.”

“Sit down,” the judge said, fiddling with papers on his desk as the courthouse sat. “I will hear opening statements. Mr. Stark?”

The ADA stood and spoke very succinctly. They had evidence of weapon trafficking as well as drug trafficking. They also had evidence of sexual and physical assault, and conspiracy to attempt murder. Gast, he explained rather dryly, was a danger to the city and society and had manipulated his way out of justice before. “Hopefully, he won’t this time. With your help,” he concluded, thanking the jury.

Gast’s lawyer stood as soon as Stark sat and began to dramatically recount the last year: the DA’s first attempt to sully the Grandmaster by manipulating his lover, Loki which resulted in Loki’s suicide attempt. The brunette shifted uncomfortably in his seat at being part of this, but he made no move to shield himself from view. Then, he spoke about losing Thor to thugs collecting a gambling debt. Bile rose in his throat at that, but he pushed it down. He was good. Perfect.

“And now, DA is dragging this man and his loved ones back into court not four months after burying his beloved as some sick way to get votes. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have the poor to end this! Listen to the weakness of this case, and then find En Dwi Gast not guilty!” A few people in the gallery clapped, causing the judge to bang his gavel a few times.

“Stark, are you ready to proceed with your secret witness?”

“Already? Blowing your load a little early, aren’t you?” Gast quipped. The gallery laughed. The gavel fell.

“This is not an open mic night. Please refrain from comments. Mr. Stark?”

Tony nodded, dialled a number on his phone and said a few words. A side door opened. The room gasped.

Loki didn’t look at first. He was good. Perfect. But finally when Gast gasped as well, he swiveled his head robotically around. He let out a cry.

Thor stood, supporting himself on a cane and Valkyrie’s arm. He had an eye patch his left eye and his hair had gotten a little longer than the Grandmaster ever let it grow. Every step he made to the witness box was slow and pained, but he barely seemed to care. His one eye found the defense side of the room and he glared with venom at the older man.

Loki’s limbs moved on their own. He stood, knocking over Topaz. By the time the woman had recovered, he had walked out of the gallery. Gast was calling to him, using all the sweet nicknames he had. It made not an ounce of difference. The judge was saying something and the bailiff tried to intercept him but Val had waved him off as Stark shouted to be heard.

He was standing in front of Thor, the sun streaming over them from the high windows. Thor’s expression had softened as he had gotten closer. He was crying now, reaching out to him, stroking his face tenderly like he had the last time they had seen one another. Loki took the hand before launching into his arms, nearly knocking him to the ground.

The brothers held one another for several moments, the courtroom holding their breath as they spoke in hushed and hurried voices. Finally, the younger let go, turning to Stark. He spoke in a watery voice slightly hoarse from months of crying, drinking, and disuse.

“Can I be added to the witness list, too?”