#I started watching like two days ago HOW am I at Episode 24

[two-nine-eighteen]

Thinking about OUAW and the Episode where Mikey describes Baby Gricko as this Feral thing in rags that looks to scrawny for his features 😭

Gricko is such a gem of a character to me!

Uncolored version under the cut

[fandom-imagines-stories]

Schrodinger's Cat

Season Three Premiere

Dr. Spencer Reid x Reader (Aaron Hotchner’s Sister)

Words: 3776 

Series Masterlist

Summary: The team is shocked by an attack that could mean the end for two of their own. Reid and the rest race to find the reader when Hotch is the only one found. 

Notes: We’re back baby. (stabbed in the back, to be exact) Too soon? This one is all about the first episode of season five and it’s going to jump around quite a bit. I hope you guys are as excited as I am for all of the Foyet fun. (I’m actually terrified)

-

Ten Years Ago

The TV lit up the living room, shadows changing with the switching of scenes and movement of the characters on the screen. It was hypnotic, almost making you join your movie-watching buddy who’d fallen asleep half an hour ago. The junk food in your system certainly didn’t help either. 

A well-needed girl’s night. 

You weren’t totally used to it yet. Sometimes, it still felt like your mom was going to come home from work and it would be the two of you buying cookies and chips and watching rom-coms for hours. It wasn’t that you didn’t like Haley. She was kind to you and didn’t treat you the way your teachers did. Like you were going to snap at any second. But you still didn’t feel like any of this was real. 

The front door opened and your brother stepped in with his suitcase and go-bag.

Your brother. 

Another thing you weren’t totally used to. 

“Hey,” he greeted, trying to not sound as tired as he felt. “What are you still doing up?”

You put a finger to your lips and motioned to his sound-asleep wife on the sofa. He glanced at her and smiled, gently brushing a hair out of her face.

“We were having a movie night,” you said. You hopped out of the chair and followed him into the kitchen so the two of you wouldn’t wake her up. “How was your case?” 

He put his suitcase on the table, looking back at the television rather than at you. 

“What are you guys watching?” 

“I don’t know, I stopped paying attention an hour ago.” Leaning against the doorframe, you tried to block his view. “Come on, Aaron. It was your first case as a senior agent. You’ve got to tell me everything.” 

“You know I can’t do that,” he sighed. 

“Okay, well tell me what you can tell me. It was that Boston Reaper guy, wasn’t it? The news said he still hasn’t been caught.” You sat down at the table, pushing the chair out across from you with your foot and motioning for him to sit. He hesitated. You raised a brow. “You want me to start trusting you, right?” 

Aaron frowned but sat across from you anyway. “I didn’t mean divulging details of my job,” he said, shaking his head. “You don’t want to hear about the stuff I work with. It’s dark and…” He trailed off, realizing how ridiculous that must sound to you. “Alright, how about this? Why don’t we go pick up some ice cream from that 24-hour place and I’ll tell you some of what I can tell you?”

You nodded, the idea of listening to him talk about his job fascinating you. That kind of stuff used to freak you out, but now, hearing about it made what happened to you feel buried beneath it. Like it was helping you understand it all and yet pushing it further, safely away from you at the same time. 

“But,” Aaron said, holding up a hand, “you have to pick out the cheesiest, most upbeat, happy 80s music that you can find to listen to on the way there. Deal?” 

He reached his hand across the table. You shook it with a grin. 

“Deal.” 

-

Present Day

He’d had little time to celebrate. Despite his excitement, Spencer had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for you to come home. He was awakened by a call from JJ, bringing them in on a local case. You hadn’t come back yet, so he figured you ended up crashing at Hotch’s because it was so late. 

There was another train of thought, though, that he just couldn't shake. 

Maybe you’d had second thoughts and couldn’t bear to tell him in person. Maybe you changed your mind about getting married, about getting back together in general, and had decided to stay with your brother until you figured a way out. 

Maybe that was why Hotch wasn’t answering his phone. He was busy helping you get away from Spencer, from this life, from everyone. 

“Reid,” Prentiss said, looking at him over the top of the file in her hand. “Are you okay?” 

Dr. Barton paced with other files in his hand, trying to figure out who could be doing this to him. Who could be threatening his son and murdering innocent people? 

Reid gulped. “Yeah. I just… have a lot to think about.” 

Prentiss raised a brow. “Good things to think about?”

He smirked and kept his eyes on the patient file. “Let’s just focus on the case.” 

She nodded and glanced over at the panicked father. Dr. Barton sat back down with his head in his hands. He looked at the clock. 

“Jeffery is leaving school in five hours,” he said. “There’s no way we can get through all these patients in time.” His voice was getting more harried with every word, not that either agent could blame him. 

Prentiss sighed. “Well, we’ve narrowed it down already.”

“And we still have a hundred left,” the doctor exclaimed. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be callous, but when you work in the E.R. you don’t remember names. You operate and you move on.” 

She ran a hand down her face, took a deep breath, and came to a decision. 

“He’s right. There are too many files here for us to profile in such a short period of time.” She stands, checking her watch. “Um, I can get to Hotch’s and back here in half an hour.” 

“Who’s that?” Barton asked. 

“He’s our supervisor,” Reid said. “We weren’t supposed to work today. We’re having trouble getting a hold of him.” 

“But we need more eyes.” Prentiss moved toward the door, but Reid stood up, signaling for her to stop. 

“Actually, can you…” Can you ask Y/N why she didn’t come home? The rest of the question, however, died on his lips. He sighed and sat back down. “Just, let me know when you get there.” 

His teammate nodded and left the two men to continue their investigation alone. 

-

He’s just passed out on his couch with his phone off. That’s what Emily kept telling herself as she climbed the stairs to Hotch’s apartment. Everything’s fine. It was just her profiler brain keeping her on edge. If something had happened, he would have called. 

Unless he couldn’t.

“Stop freaking yourself out, Emily,” she muttered to herself, finding the door to his apartment and knocking. “Hotch? It’s me, Emily.”

No answer. 

She pulled out her phone and dialed, that pit in her stomach turning. It worsened upon hearing the ringing of his cell inside. Everything else was deadly quiet. And when she turned the handle, she found the door already unlocked. 

Emily took out her gun and stepped inside. 

Everything seemed normal. Too normal. It looked as if he’d just arrived home and had stepped out for just a minute. But somehow, she knew she was stepping into a crime scene, even before she saw the multiple pooling bloodstains on the carpet around the corner. 

She didn’t waste any time. She called Penelope first and told her to send police and FBI techs as soon as possible. Emily also warned her not to tell the rest of the team.  Lives were in danger, including that of a young boy, and she didn’t want to do anything that could jeopardize their focus on the case. The only one she could tell was Reid, and that was only because he was expecting her to come back with Hotch any minute. 

She’d have to tell Y/N. Her chest ached at the thought. 

Reid was still looking over files when she called. 

“Hey.” 

“Reid, listen, I’m not going to be able to come back. Something’s happened.” 

“What?” 

She sighed, trying to keep the concern from her voice. “Hotch is gone.”

Spencer’s heart stopped. “What are you talking about?”

“What’s going on?” Dr. Barton asked. 

“I just got to his apartment and his car is here, but I can’t find him, and Reid… there’s blood.” Prentiss took a deep breath. “I told Penelope to send police here and I’ll stay to figure this out, but I need you not to say anything to anybody else. You all need to stay focused on protecting the Bartons and anyone else who might be in danger.” 

“Is this about Jeffery?” 

Reid turned to the worried father, his face paling. “No, no it’s unrelated.”

“We only have a few hours left here.”

“I’m really sorry, but I have to take this phone call, ok?” 

Dr. Barton sighed in frustration. “What could be more important than my son right now?”

It took everything in Spencer’s power not to lose it right there while countless panicked questions ran through his mind. 

“I assure you this will take one second. Please, I promise,” he pleaded. 

There was something about his voice. Something familiar. She stared at the twin blood stains and remembered how Reid had been when Y/N had been taken by the Cunninghams. 

“Reid, I’m going to need you to stay with Dr. Barton-” She started, but he cut her off.

“I’ll call somebody else. I have to go down there.”

“You can’t. Everyone has to stay focused on his case-”

“Emily, you don’t understand.” He tried to hold back cries threatening his voice. It confirmed her fear before he did. “Y/N went to see Hotch last night. She-” He inhaled, trembling. “She never came home.” 

-

With everybody working to protect Jeffery, Prentiss knew that Reid would have to stay with him. He didn’t argue or try to fight her on the subject, which only made her feel worse. He said he’d join her as soon as they’d narrowed down the patient list and made her promise to call him for any updates, regardless of what she found.

So Emily kicked her search into high gear, setting aside every panicked feeling, every turn of her gut, and she did what she knew Hotch would want her to do- she treated this like any other case. They were both alive until proven otherwise. She forced herself to repeat that over and over again until she almost believed it. 

They were alive until proven otherwise. 

They were alive until proven otherwise. 

They were alive. 

They had to be. 

Back at the BAU, Penelope was telling herself the same thing. With every hospital she called, however, the harder and harder it was to remember. What were the odds that Hotch was taken to a hospital, let alone both of them? 

But when she heard a name she hadn’t expected, she paused. 

“When was that?” Penelope asked the nurse on the other end. Her heart lifted. “A-and can you tell me if he was brought in with anybody else? A Y/F/N Y/L/N or maybe a Jane Doe.” Her demeanor fell again with the nurse’s answer. “Alright, thank you. I’ll have an agent there as soon as possible to check on the man admitted as SSA Derek Morgan.” 

It didn’t make any sense. Derek wasn’t in the hospital, someone would have told her. 

She didn’t waste any time, immediately dialing for Emily. 

“Talk to me, Garcia.” 

“O-okay, I called hospitals to see if Hotch had gotten himself admitted to an emergency room.”

“And?” 

“He’s not listed as a patient,” she gulped, “but someone dropped a John Doe off at St. Sebastian Hospital, and that someone’s name was FBI Agent Derek Morgan.”

Prentiss’s brows drew together in confusion. “That doesn’t make sense.” 

And yet somehow it did. Pieces began to connect in her brain. A case from a few months ago. A killer on the run. 

“I know,” Garcia sighed. “Do you think they got their credentials mixed up?”

Emily’s stomach dropped. “The Reaper.” A new wave of worry set in. “Foyet took Morgan’s creds.” 

“Why would he drop him off at the E.R.?” Penelope asked, her voice quieting with terror. 

Emily was already taking off. “What hospital did you say again?” 

“St. Sebastian Hospital.” 

“I’ll call you with an update when I get there.” 

“Wait,” Penelope said. “There’s something else.” She blinked back worried tears and tried to keep her voice steady. “Hotch was admitted alone. I asked the nurse. Y/N wasn’t with him.” She didn’t want to think about what that meant, but images of Foyet and her friend took over every thought. 

Prentiss swallowed hard, feet hurrying out of Hotch’s apartment down to her car. 

“I’ll update you when I get there,” she repeated. She stopped with her hand on the steering wheel. “And Garcia?”

“Y-Yes?” 

“Don’t tell Reid.”

“But-”

“Dr. Burton and his son have to be his priority right now and if Y/N is…” She trailed off and started the car. “I’ll call him when I get the chance.”

Prentiss hung up feeling sick. She promised Reid she’d tell him if anything happened, but if Y/N wasn’t at the hospital, there were only two realistic options: she was still with Foyet or…

Emily shook her head. 

You were alive until proven otherwise. 

-

He had to focus. Too many lives were at stake for him to get distracted. Still, Spencer’s hands shook slightly with every file he picked up. He hadn’t heard any news from Prentiss and he still couldn’t tell the rest of the team what was going on, so the weight was his to bear alone. 

He thought you’d changed your mind. 

What if all this time he spent worrying that you were leaving him again you were actually…

Spencer pushed the thought away the best he could, looking up as Dr. Barton put on his suit jacket and headed toward the door. 

“Where are you going?”

“The note said not to deviate from my routine and I always pick up Jeffery on my days off.” With the unsub hopefully identified, the doctor just wanted all of this to be over. 

For the team, the problems were just beginning. 

“I’m going with you.” Reid placed the file in his hand back on the table, switching it out for his now ringing phone. 

Dr. Barton went into the hall. 

“L.C. on the unsub’s note,” Prentiss said. He could hear sounds behind her voice. Beeping and voices. He made the connection and held his breath. A hospital. “It stands for Living Children.” 

“Are you sure?” He pushed all other questions not pertaining to the case away despite how desperately he wanted to ask them. 

“It’s administrative,” she answered. “It’s when they’re afraid a patient is going to go on life support and they don’t have a DNR order.” 

She didn’t mention how she figured that out, the image of Hotch unconscious in the hospital bed still very present in her mind. 

Nine times. He was stabbed nine times. 

“Reid?” She said, the sound of his silence speaking volumes. 

“What if the unsub was trying to tell Dr. Barton that he is actually the target and that he’s gonna leave his son without a father?” 

If he lost Hotch, it’d be like losing a father figure all over again. 

He was alive. 

Surely Reid would have been able to hear it in Prentiss’s voice if he wasn’t. Right?

The door clicked open and a different panic rushed through Spencer. 

“Barton!” 

Emily listened to the hurry of Reid running to a different room. She heard voices. 

Then she heard a gunshot and the crack of the phone hitting the ground. 

“Reid?” She said, “Answer me.”

Nothing. 

No no no no no. Not him too. 

Emily turned to the window. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. How was that even possible? How could the sun be shining when everything was falling apart?

“Reid?”

-

Two men. Different injuries. One unanswered question. 

Is she alive? 

While Spencer went into surgery for the gunshot to his knee, Aaron laid in agonizing wait. 

He knew only three things.

The Reaper brought him here. 

He was after Haley and Jack. 

And the last time he had seen his little sister, there was a knife in her stomach. 

“Do you know how much you have to study about the human body to stab yourself repeatedly and not die?” 

“Stop it… leave him… Aaron, hang on.”

“You’ve got such a pretty sister. She’s a little old for my type, but who am I to be picky in a moment like this?”

Your breathless, silent scream echoed through Aaron’s mind. 

The shrill tone of a phone ringing brought him back to life. To the present. Dead or not dead. He imagined the bodies of the people he loved. Foyet wanted to hold all of the power, so he held all the answers. Did he go after Haley and Jack? Did he kill you?

Prentiss came back into the room. “They’re safe.”

But she only meant two of them. The third person’s unknown fate still lingered in her eyes. 

So he focused on finding the facts.

“You were at my place, right?” He asked. 

Prentiss nodded. 

“Could you tell how he got in?” 

“I’m not sure.” She took a breath. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” 

He stared at the wall behind her. His heart beat in his ears. He could hear your gasps all over again. Were you dying? When he finally fell into unconsciousness, was he too weak to be there for you? 

“I just want to find my sister.” 

Prentiss nodded, the lump in her throat growing. But Hotch’s eyes went behind her to the person standing in the doorway. Emily put a hand on Haley’s shoulder as she walked out of the room to give the former couple some privacy. 

Neither knew what to say. On one hand, they were both beyond relieved to see that the other was alive. But on the other, each knew the dangers they now faced… the dangers you still faced. 

“How do you feel?” Haley finally asked. 

“I’m gonna be okay,” he said, using all of his strength to keep a straight face when all he wanted to do was break. “Did they explain to you what’s happening?” 

Haley nodded. “They said the Marshall’s service is taking us straight from here and putting us into protective custody.” She swallowed hard, blinking back tears. “I told them I wanted to stay until they found Y/N, but they seemed pretty adamant that Jack and I need to leave as soon as possible.”

Aaron looked into her glassy eyes and sighed. “Haley, I’m sorry.”

“I have to know if she’s okay,” she cried. “Does he still have her? Is she…” She stopped and took a breath, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “Is she even alive?”

“We have to assume that she is until we’re given evidence to suggest-”

“Damnit, Aaron, it’s your little sister!” She exclaimed. “I know you want to shut down and close your walls, but Aaron… this is Y/N.”

Didn’t she think he knew that? That he had been thinking about you every minute he’d been conscious and even while he wasn’t. That if he could turn back the clock and make sure you never came back to the apartment he would. Didn’t she know he wished Foyet had finished the job on him if it meant that you were safe? Every minute he was stuck in this hospital room, it just felt like his wounds were opening more and more. A cut in his stomach for Haley. One to his chest for Jack. And one twisting, wrenching stab to his flesh for you. 

But he didn’t say any of that. 

Aaron looked down, a tear escaping onto his cheek. 

Haley put her hand on top of his. She pushed aside every frustration that burrowed into her chest, every panicked scream in her head, every sob in her heart. She looked at the man that she loved- that she still loved- and knew what they both needed was hope. Hope that this would all be over and things could go back to the way they were. 

Even if they never really would. 

“They’ll find her,” she concluded. “It’s like you said. We have to assume she’s alive.” Haley gave him a small smile. “And when they find her and you and your team catch this guy like you always do, we can have a family night. We’ll watch cheesy movies and eat junk food just like she and I did when she was younger.” She held his hand a little tighter. “And we’ll all be alright, yeah?” 

He was trained to see through her optimism, to see that she was putting on a brave face just like he was trying to. But for that moment, knowing this was the last time he’d see her until they caught Foyet, he just wanted to make her keep smiling. 

“Yeah. We’ll all be alright.”

He told her that they’d find a way to tell her what happened with you, even if she couldn’t be in contact with anyone. Including you. 

And then Haley said goodbye, looking back one more time as she left. 

-

He’d been begging the nurse to let him out for the last half-hour. She had to go get JJ in order to make him calm down. 

“We can’t just sit here,” Spencer said. Every time he tried to get up, however, the forceful blonde urged him right back down. “Y/N is out there. I have to find her.”

“I know, Spence,” JJ sat on the edge of the bed, keeping a hand on his arm. “We have people searching every block of the city to find her. Wherever Foyet took her, we’ll figure it out.” 

Foyet. Just the name sent shivers up both of their spines. Spencer clenched and unclenched his fists around the bedsheet, remembering the last time he was in a room like this after almost dying from anthrax. You were there for him. You read to him and told him you wanted to come home. 

What if you never came home? What if you were out there, bleeding out and crying for him to stop Foyet. What if the last thing you saw was that man smiling over you as he plunged the knife deeper into your chest?

“I have to go.” He swung one leg over the bed, the sheet falling to the ground. 

“Spence, please-” JJ pleaded. 

Both of them fell silent, frozen as Prentiss walked into the room. Her lips were set in a hard, grim line. He tried to read the look in her eyes, but even she didn’t know what to feel. 

Emily breathed out. “They found her.” 

-

I always forget tag lists, so please let me know if I missed you!

The In-Betweens series: @amywright; shesoperfectt;  hereforsmutbcicantgetenough;  violetbossler;  hyper-half-blood;  i-bitch-you-bitch; xcastawayherosx; preciousbabypeter; @jori21; @sol-48;  @murdermornings ; @ staygoldsquatchling02; @ ara-a-bird; @pleasantwitchgarden

[charitytitter]

Relapse, back to normal

Alright, so, this is going to be the last post of a personal nature. Recap: I am an adult with BiPolar. I am considered high-functioning enough that I have gone for long stretches without treatment (eg. no medication... but I still see a psychiatrist regularly). A number of weeks ago, I accepted a job, doing something completely outside of my wheelhouse. After two weeks of training, it became clear to me, that I did not have the mental nor emotional fortitude to handle this new role, and also maintain my mental health... at least not without treatment. So I spoke with my Psych about medication, and got started on it. Within 24 hours of starting the medication I had a Manic Episode, the likes of which I had never experienced. On top of the Manic episode, I also began experiencing aggressive heart palpitations (it was not an anxiety/panic attack, I have had enough panic/anxiety attacks in my life to know the differences... and when I eventually landed in the hospital, the EKG/ECG proved the heart anomalies were very real). Amidst the Physical and Mental breakdown, I had to resign from the job. Between the stress of the job, and the bad reaction to the meds... I had not slept for 7 days, and physically I could not even drive myself to the Doctor. It was during the stress and mental uncertainty of this scenario that I made a decision to de-porn my life. (I also made a decision to reconnect with my estranged father, a decision which, while impulsive, turned out very well, and I am very happy that I reached out to him). In hindsight. I view a lot of the decisions that I made, to be impulsive, and not from a place of mental clarity. I was essentially operating under a medication induced mental duress. Once I was taken off the medication, everything began to improve and go back to normal. I can sleep 6-8 hours a night again, the heart palpitations have stopped, I can drive, I can think straight, and my sex-drive has returned. I realize that the judgments I was casting upon myself were, not only coming from the fog of bad medication + lack of sleep, but they were judgments that were not my own, judgments projected onto me from past partners, and from an unaccepting society. Pornstars are people. Sex work is real work. Erotic art, is real art too. Some people end their day by cuddling and having sex with a partner. Some people read a book. Some people play videogames until they fall asleep at their desk. Some people drink a 6-pack of beer every night, or an entire bottle of wine. Some people binge watch TV until they fall asleep. I used to invite my girlfriend over for (mutual); cuddles, backrubs, scalp massages, sex, and TV watching... and that was enough to put me to sleep. Then I got dumped... Now I wind-down by watching paid porn actors, act-out some of the intimate things I used to do with my partner while I vape weed and reminisce about how nice it was to be in a relationship. No matter how shitty a day I've had. It's the one thing I can do at the end of the day, that consistently relaxes me and puts me in a position to get a good night's sleep. Is it ideal? Of course not. Ideal, for me, would be falling asleep next to a partner. But I don't have a partner. And until I do. Who am I, or anyone else, to pass judgement upon the coping mechanism that I am employing to get me through the night? I am thankful that my sex-drive came back. I am thankful that my coping mechanism hurts no one. I am hopeful that someday I will find a partner that accepts me for who I am, perceived flaws & all. Loves me when I'm at my best, and when I'm at my worst. Until I do, I will cope.

[tryslora]

What I'm Reading Wednesday...

On the Duck Prints Press reading server, it’s What I’m Reading Wednesday where we all share what we finished in the last week, what we are currently reading, and what we think of these books.

I figured hey, why not bring that to the rest of the world for myself. Because I love yelling about my current reads. And I’ve always got several things in motion at one time, between physical, audio, and ebooks, plus things I’m reading for specific reasons.

Here’s the summary from the last week in visual format (the actual discussion is behind the read-more):

Fiction

I am currently reading Many Drops Make a Stream by Adrian Harley (from Duck Prints Press). There are so many things to love in this book. The world building packs so much into such a small space. The culture clash between human and shapeshifter is wonderful (and Harley’s shapeshifters truly have a culture all their own). I thought it was going to be a quick read because it’s short, but the language and depth of information have me going slower and savoring every word. That said, I’ve also reached the point where I want to take it in faster, so I find myself spending a little extra time every time I pick it up, just to get a few more pages!

Manga & Graphic Novels

I have one manga and one graphic novel in progress.

I’ve been reading The Complete Elfquest, volume 1 by Wendy & Richard Pini for a little over two weeks now. We have several of these volumes, and my intention is to read one chapter/issue a night, so I am able to savor them slowly, but also get through them. Reading this first volume is like coming home into a fandom from childhood. The first chunk of it was also collected in the original Warp Graphics compilations, and I can’t remember how often I read those back in high school. I’m reaching the parts now where I probably only read the individual issues once or twice, so it’s familiar, but not to the point where I’m like oh yes, I remember gazing at that panel for hours. I still love these elves, and this story, and I cannot wait to get home each day and be allowed to read a chapter. I’m looking forward to when I reach new-to-me material.

I watched the 24 episode anime The Apothecary Diaries and I wasn’t ready to let it go when it was over, so I started reading the manga by Natsu Hyuuga and Nekokurage. I finished volumes 5 & 6 this past week and am currently reading volume 7. I have the remaining already published volumes waiting for when I’m done with this. I adore Maomao and Jinshi, and am incredibly excited to get to the point where canon moves past what is in the anime. That said, getting to revisit events I already watched on TV and linger over what was said and the exact expressions has been soooo good. (And yes, I know the light novels also exist and will be rolling into those in ebook form after the manga; I might be a tad bit obsessed).

Audiobook

A while ago I thought “I should read some TJ Klune” so I checked the library list I had for audiobooks, and the first of his Extraordinaries trilogy was available in audio. I listened to it. I was addicted. I’m now on the third book—Heat Wave—and I find it very very hard to put it down. I can’t listen while working, only while commuting, walking, or doing chores—things that don’t require me to actually think so I can multi-task. But hey, it’s a GREAT way to get me to do my PT since it means fifteen minutes more of audiobook listening! Nick, the POV character, has ADHD and I flail a lot over pretty much everything he thinks and does. I love every character in this series. I love how Klune is using superheroes as an allegory for the queer experience and for racial issues, but at the same time, is actually addressing those issues explicitly. I both want to listen faster to find out what happens, and linger so it doesn’t end.

Ebook

I have been reading Wayfinder by CE Murphy, which is the second in a duology. This is a romance, yes, but it’s another fun culture clash book, this time between humanity and faerie, and I am so here for that. Murphy is an author I used to read a lot from, and I’m trying to work my way through her back catalog slowly because I’ve always enjoyed her style. Accessible and fun. This series is about a woman who has always been able to hear lies (a Truthseeker), and how her talent develops, and how she works with the faerie kingdoms to try to help them (despite some of them not wanting help, and the original situation not being the one she’s actually needed for).

Non-fiction

I have been working my way through three non-fiction books.

One is A Year of Zen by Bonnie Myotai Treace. I had been looking for a journaling prompt book, and decided to give this one a try. I made the difficult decision to write directly in the book itself, then the additional decision to let myself fail if needed. So if I don’t get to answer a prompt on a day, I just answer it the next day. One prompt per day. It’ll take me more than a year to go through it, but that’s okay. The idea is to have me think and write a short paragraph every day, and not feel guilty about messing up. It’s working surprisingly well. Learning to let myself fail has been a big part of my process this year, and hopefully I am learning to let go of some of the anxiety about things needing to be matched and rigid.

The one I am stalled on right now is The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. It was recommended as a book that therapists like to use for themselves, not merely recommend to their patients, and it reminded me of the radical acceptance I’m supposed to be practicing (and apparently am, despite myself, according to my therapist after she listened to me). The problem is, it has exercises (doesn’t everything?) and I stalled out because I didn’t have time.

Time is a theme, y’know? And that’s what happened with the last non-fiction book. I’ve been working through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, taking it as a self-guided 12 week course. I’m currently on week 5. However, I did a week of just doing morning notes before I really got started, then I took a week off when everything went haywire in my schedule because of the power outage. So it’s been about seven weeks so far. This week, as I worked on exercises, I found myself really digging in to my emotions about this book. And in the end, I decided that while I can see the value in some things, the book itself is giving me more anxiety about everything to do with my writing, while at the same time making it impossible for me to find time TO write (while following the advice it gives). So. I am no longer doing it as a course, with exercises, but I will finish reading it. And if an exercise appeals, I’ll do it. It’ll still take time, because I’ll probably still read one chapter each weekend, but I am already feeling WAY less stressed and I only made this decision last night.

So…

That’s it for me! What are you reading?

[yveltalreal]

did you watch the actual noctowl house or like a bootleg version how do you not know what’s going on

i watched the actual noctowl house. way too much happens in the first episode. the amount of shit they do is stuff i would have expected to take place over the course of like 3 or 4 episodes. its incredibly hard to follow, especially when youre someone like me who needs to take amoment to fully process whats happening sometimes. not to mention that it gives you a very skewed idea about what the show is about. i should know the bare bones of a shows premise and what to expect by its first episode. the noctowl house does not let me do that.

you watch gravity falls, you have a vague idea that the show is about two twins who find a weird book that tells them about all the supernatural stuff in this small town, supernatural stuff they will be fighting. you watch amphibia, you have a vague idea that its about a girl and her friends who are sent to an alternate world where everyone are shit like froakies and stuff and its about her wanting to go home and learning how to live with the froakie people. you watch avatar the last airbender, you know its about aang who is the avatar trying to master the 4 elements and defeat the fire nation who are trying to colonize the other nations. you watch steven universe, you know its about steven who is this kid with magic alien powers who lives with 3 other people with magic alien powers and together they fight monsters and save the day and shit. like SUPER bare bones shit, no idea about the full plot, but you know the basic idea.

i could not tell you what they want me to know about the noctowl house. theyre going to be?? breaking people out of prison because theyre weird? being weird is illegal in this world? everything i have the vaguest spoilers of later in this show does not give me the impression that i am right. hell maybe its about luz being a witch?? i have literally never seen this talked about and like. YOU ONLY GET THIS AT THE END OF THE EPISODE. if the whole point is her learning magic why have an entire fucking. jail break and prison riot that served no purpose???? i literally needed a full 24 hours to comprehend what i had just watched. i watched this several days ago. i have been thinking on this mess for several days. this isnt me just like oh i didnt like the first episode at first but now that ive thought about it its fine. im not overwhelmed by it anymore. its just objectively hard to follow, and my close friends have told me that yeah, no, it does not get any easier to follow.

like tbh i think the owl house at least from what ive seen COULD work, just not with the pacing it has at this point. i would have split the first episode up so its like. kinda ends with luz doing more of the chase in the city with eda and maybe seeing more magic shit and putting the saving eda stuff in the city before they escape and have luz ask to be trained to be a witch there and then like. have the next few episodes be prepping and training before they break into the prison and then an episode for the prison break and ensuing prison riot that luz starts. either that or like. the owl house feels like it would be more fitting as a series of fantasy novels rather than a disney show.

like i dont hate the context i just think it has the most dogshit pacing. who knows though this is all from what i know of the first episode and some of my friends being like yeah no the pacing just straight up gets worse near the end so. idk.

[airenyah]

Current Tag Game

I was tagged by @telomeke and @lurkingteapot <3

Current Time:

23:14 as of me posting this

Current activity:

lying on my stomach in bed, typing out this ask game

Currently thinking about:

all the things i have to do for uni and also that one interpretation test i have on monday rip

Current favourite song:

listen. LISTEN. it is such a fun song, okay!! i love the vibes!! it just always puts me in a good mood, okay!!

Currently reading:

just a whooole bunch of stuff for uni. namely, italian articles on sustainable tourism for my interpretation test on monday (gotta familiarize myself with the lingo...) and some scientific literature on fansubbing for a paper i have to write on this topic this semester

Currently watching:

not a lot, i started my master's degree like a month ago and i haven't really started any new shows since

i've been trying to finish home school all summer and i'm still only on ep13 as of now rip (i might go watch another ep later, let's see how sleepy i am)

i also started watching bbs for the 23rd time a week ago! i'm doing a weekly anniversary rewatch and soooo tomorrow i get to watch ep2 hehe

oh and my mom sat me down in front of the kdrama andante the other day. we watched 3 or 4 episodes before i went back to the cursed city and so i'll be watching that over the next few weeks whenever i go back home

i might start another show at some point over the next week, idk. right now i'm trying not to get distracted bc of uni

Current favourite character:

pat napat jindapat has been living rent free in my head for the past two years now

Current WIP:

i think i have a bbs vs hidden agenda parallel gifset as well as a bbs vs only friends parallel gifset somewhere that i started in september and then just never finished???? idk. i'll have to go into my folders

plus, i started recording some thoughts on bbs and pat specifically for a meta that has been in my head for 2 whole years but never really posted. considering 24 months have passed and we all are still here i'm like... okay maybe posting it is worth it after all. so yeah, let's see if that will ever get written. it's not anything special, just some thoughts on my reading of pat and his awareness/obliviousness of his feelings. bc that differs from popular fandom interpretation

Tags:

uhhhh idk who's been tagged yet and who hasn't buuuut i'm just gonna say @newyearknwwme @killiru @visualtaehyun @moonkhao @cornflowershade

[god-sent-gender-bent]

I don't discuss this a lot online because of the (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ stigma, but I am a diagnosed DID system. I'm 30. I discovered my system when I was about 24/25, and have been in therapy ever since. My therapist was a WONDERFUL woman who was trauma informed, ISSTD trained, and actually did her PhD thesis on dissociative disorders. (I'm am VERY privileged to have had access through her, she worked for our community health center which is a RARE find.)

My treatment goal was not "final fusion." It was *Functional Multiplicity.* (Keeping my alters instead of forcing us to be "one person") My brain adapted to some horrific shit. That's how it's going to cope the rest of my life.

Throughout the 5+ years I've gotten to work with and know my system, I've been able to accomplish more than I had in the 10+ years of my adult life. I lived my life thinking I was broken, crazy, forgetful, messy, and unlovable. When I started accommodating my brain and how it developed to work, *I got better.* And not "better" by neurotypical standards, but better by mine.

I made it through college with my associates. And am now working on an accelerated bachelor's/master's. I have a stable relationship and housing for the first time. I'm engaged. I own my car. I have friends that love me and a well-paying job. NONE of that would have been possible if it wasn't for the accomodations I made for myself and my system.

We work together as a TEAM. And the closer we get, the less amnesia we have. I can access memories that used to be locked away. I can share information freely. We can rotate out if things are overwhelming. Our existence isn't wrong. We aren't hurting ANYONE. We're adapting. That's all this disorder is. It's adaptation.

On September 24, my dad wrecked his motorcycle and ended up in Neuro ICU. For two weeks I had to be in that room, making sure his wife was okay and being the responsible party for everything. One of my biggest traumas is watching my mom suddenly code and pass in front of me after a two week hospital stay twelve years ago. I split an alter because of that and still have flashbacks to this day from it.

This was an EXTREMELY traumatic situation that I was put into once more. But you know what? Because I worked with my system, we were able to take turns, rotating out when things got too overwhelming. Each of us would "tag in" if we got too many symptoms of an episode coming on.

Our emotional caretaker/organizer would take over when things got to be too much emotionally or we needed to organize work things online. Our protector would take over when we needed to be assertive with pushy family members. Our medical alter (from mom passing) would speak with the doctors, gaining valuable information to pass on to the family and made sure we took our meds and handled the pharmacies when we ran out. I would comfort his wife and tell her stories. Our other, home-oriented caretaker would make sure his wife and I ate food and drank water by getting meals at the hospital cafeteria.

When we made the difficult decision to remove him from life support, my system was there. We all knew and loved my dad, even if he didn't know us. We all got to say goodbye because we increased communication and worked *with* our system instead of against it. That means no one has regrets and everyone has closure. Because of my system, what could have been a huge traumatic event, causing amnesia, splits, and mayhem in my life, became a tragic event that I was able to accept and start healing from.

I found out this week that we did split off an alter. But it wasn't from the actual trauma of losing my dad. It was to help with school stress. I don't fully know her yet, but she seems like a wonderful addition to the team. And that's why I love Functional Multiplicity. If my goal was fusion, and I was "one person" again, this would have caused another split. My brain copes with trauma by splitting. If I fuse and then split, I'm back at square one. More amnesia, more fear, more problems. But if I have a system that works together, is functional, and can welcome a new part openly, why wouldn't I keep that system? I'd rather have a trained team on deck to help through anything that comes my way, ready to help a new part, than to go back to how I was before.

Don't ever let people tell you your accomodations are wrong. Don't ever let anyone tell you that how your brain adapted to trauma is wrong. That being said, if you're a system, and your goal is final fusion, that's fine. You know yourself and your system. FM is right for us. FF may be right for you. The key is learning yourself, accepting that, and figuring out what's best for YOU. I love my system. They were created to help me survive. They're tough, resilient, strong, loving, protective, and, ultimately, my family. People don't have to understand it. But I'm happy, safe, and healing for the first time in my life, and if people think that's wrong, they can fuck off.

I love seeing those posts where people are like “if you have headmates or whatever you should be on meds because that’s not okay” posts. Like neurotypicals just think that there’s some magical pill out there that will ‘cure’ anything they don’t consider ‘normal.’ Meanwhile, in the land of reality, my shrink thinks it’s pretty healthy that I’m finally getting to know my headmates, and has no intention of putting me on magic pills, because as long as I’m not hurting myself or anyone else, who cares what neurotypicals think is ‘normal?’ Actually, let’s be real: who cares what neurotypicals think at all?

[blogger360ncislarules]

Rising at 5 am may sound early to a lot of us but it’s a typical start to the day for Justin Hartley. But, come on, would you expect anything less from the guy who is both starring in and executive producing Tracker, last season’s biggest broadcast series? “You wake up in the dark and then you work all day and kind of open your eyes and all of a sudden it’s dark again,” Hartley laughs from Vancouver, Canada, where he’s on day three of an eight-day shoot for the second season’s fourth episode. He adds with sincerity, “It’s a lovely life.”

Today is what the Illinois native calls a “light day,” which seems like anything but considering it’s filled with meetings, reading Tracker scripts (and others he may want to develop), working out, grabbing a bite to eat, checking in with his 20-year-old daughter Isabella as well as spending time with wife Sofia Pernas. Also, pressing pause on all that to talk with this reporter about Tracker’s second season, which begins October 13 on CBS.

It’s no surprise that hard work is in the 47-year-old actor’s Midwest blood. “My parents are really hard workers and they’re from the Midwest as well, so there’s definitely something to that,” he said prior to Tracker’s post-Super Bowl premiere in February “It is funny, isn’t it, when you meet someone from the Midwest, you automatically are like, ‘oh, brother, or sister.’ It’s an interesting thing, right?”

The path from Illinois to our TVs started in 2002 when he played often-shirtless Fox Crane for four years on NBC’s daytime soap Passions before leaping to prime time for heroic roles like Oliver Queen (aka Green Arrow) on the CW’s Smallville (as well as Arthur C. Curry, aka Aquaman, in an unsold TV pilot). More guest roles came along on dramas like Revenge and Mistresses as well as a daytime return from 2014-16 as Adam Newman on The Young and the Restless. But his career catapulted in 2016 when he began playing troubled actor Kevin Pearson, one of the Big 3 siblings alongside Randall (Sterling K. Brown) and Kate (Chrissy Metz) on NBC’s heartfelt hit This Is Us.

It was actually before This Is Us ended after six seasons in 2022 that the show’s executive producer and director Ken Olin handed Hartley a copy of Jeffery Deaver’s novel The Never Game and the two sold Tracker to CBS. (Elwood Reid was then brought on as showrunner and executive producer.) Scheduling its debut after Super Bowl LVIII gave the show its best possible shot at success, though Hartley learned long ago that sure bets don’t exist in TV. “You don’t ever suppose or suspect that it’s going to turn into what it turned into. I knew Tracker was really good but, like I said with This Is Us, you just never know if you’re going to find the audience. There’s no way to tell.”

An impressive 18.4 million people stuck around after the Chiefs beat the 49ers 25-22 to watch Tracker’s premiere live, and that number climbed to 30 million once various platforms and delayed viewing were figured in. When the drama settled into its regular Sunday night slot, viewership rose week-to-week, prompting a second season renewal by CBS after only four episodes had aired. Tracker would go on to become the number one regular series for the 2023-24 season and, according to CBS, the first time a first-year series had ranked as number one since Survivor’s debut in 2000.

As the 20-episode second season sets to launch on October 13, Hartley explains what he learned from Season 1 that helped shape Season 2 and talks about Jensen Ackles’ return as Colter’s brother, Russell, in the new season’s second episode.

After Season 1 of any show, you look at what worked and what didn’t. How much did that impact how you all shaped Season 2?

Justin Hartley: That’s a great question. We don’t take this lightly, what happened with the show. Now that we’ve had all the success, you look at what really worked and what we want to do more of that we think the audience would want. You put those things over in one box and you hopefully try to refine the project and the show and make it more streamlined. But you learn as you go and I’m sure we’ll have the same thing after season two where we’ll do that.

The family mystery was a big thread through the first season. Do we get into it again right off the bat in season two? What else is on Colter’s plate?

In the first two episodes, we absolutely do. Also, right off the bat what happens is we’re introduced to a job that Colter got a decade ago. There are two sisters and one of them goes missing. Colter is hired but he’s never been able to crack it and it haunts him. For the first time, we see this guy who is such a hero and always does the right thing but he wasn’t able to find the girl and bring her back. It says a lot about him as a person that he carries it with him but he does not let things go.

Jensen Ackles is back in Episode 2 as Colter’s brother Russell. Safe to say the show digs into the family mystery more?

It has more to do with the family thing. We left off first season with Colter having a lot of questions. He doesn’t even know who he can trust anymore. At the very beginning of last season, he thought his brother was involved in his father’s death, and then come to find out, wait a minute, he might not have had anything to do with it. Also, why is Dory (Colter’s sister, played by Melissa Roxburgh) hiding all this stuff?

So, Russell comes back and Colter’s got a couple of questions for him about this Dory situation and the box that she has and does Russell know where it is? Russell’s also pretty heroic in Episode 2 and they get involved in this really black ops, kind of strange thing. And these government officials start asking about our dad out of the blue, and you’re like, “Whoa, what’s this all about?” So, in every episode, Dad is becoming a little more vindicated maybe, or just maybe completely nuts. We don’t know. We dive a little bit deeper into that.

What’s Colter’s team up to? We know Robin Weigert is not back as Teddi but where does that leave her partner, Velma (Abby McEnany)?

At the end of last season, Reenie (Fiona Rene) decides that she’s leaving her firm and going to go it on her own. She’s got that big life change and, in a way, she teams up with Velma and you’ll see a lot of the two of them working together, which is a really interesting dynamic. They both have common goals with just some completely different ways of going about their business. Bobby (Eric Graise) our computer whiz, is hacking away. Then we have a couple of really cool surprises coming for Reenie.

Sergei Bachlakov / CBS

Let’s talk about guest stars in the new season. Will Melissa Roxburgh return as Colter’s sister, Dory? I know she’s busy with her new series (NBC’s The Hunting Party).

Her show ends [production] way before we end so we can bring her back in the latter episodes of our show. And then Jennifer Morrison‘s coming back to direct Episode 6. I’m sure her character will be back.

Sofia is back in the third episode as fellow tracker Billie Matalon. That must’ve been a fun week having her back.

Oh, she’s the best and such a talent. She comes in and she just delivers and brings so much more to it than is on the pages. It’s just been a blessing having her and then also I get to spend time with her! It’s my favorite days in the world when I get to work with her.

What happens in the episode?

She calls on Colter because she needs his help for something. And of course, he’s like, “You need my help, huh?” It’s that kind of thing, like, “Well, okay, then ask for it. I’ll help you. You got to ask me,” that kind of thing.

How are you being challenged in Season 2 either as an actor or with the physical stuff?

Well, the episode order is a lot bigger so that’ll be a challenge. We’re only on Episode 4, so I feel great, Jim, to be honest with you. But it’s classic me. In three months, we’ll see how I feel. But there’s more physicality in certain episodes. The fights certainly are more physical but I don’t mind a bruise here so I just trying to keep my body healthy.

Going back to Jensen. You guys obviously have a lot of fun working together but when did you two first meet?

Well, we were both on the CW. He was on Supernatural and I had joined Smallville. I got to know him and Jared and all those guys over there at Supernatural. We’re all actors displaced here in Vancouver and we have a lot in common. He’s a family man and he’s got kids and loves his work and loves his family and loves his fans. We’re the same age and we just developed a friendship. I’d never had a chance to work with him until Tracker. He’s a very busy man, but I love working with him. It’s a treat.

Michael Courtney/CBS

Where do you see the show going, say, five years down the line. Do you have a vision that far ahead or are you just focusing on what’s in front of you?

That’s a good question. We’ve thought about it. Well, first of all, I would just say that, from your mouth to God’s ear, if we’re lucky enough to do a third season, a fourth season, a fifth season, a sixth season, that would be wonderful. I think the show works in the long run in that we have adopted this idea that although we are a Rockford Files [type show], we do develop the character going forward.

What I really loved about This Is Us…look, I hate to keep talking about it, but I just adore that show and being a part of it. I just love that when you watch a show like that and you tune into Season 1 and then you tune into the last season, you see the development of the character and you go, “Wait a minute, are they playing different roles?” But then if you watch it throughout the years, you go, “Oh my gosh,” and you experience those things with the characters. As competent and confident as Colter is, I don’t at all think for a second that he doesn’t have a ton to learn, especially about himself and his family and all that. Going forward, I think that will be how the show lives on a long runway, is that we keep developing this character and he becomes better at what he’s doing.  He’s a restless man, and for an audience member, at least shows that I love to watch, you love to see that growth of a character and we have that.

[mentalhealthmublings]

It’s a journey

I wanted to type my thoughts down on paper. Life is a bumpy journey so here’s a snippet of mine.

I was diagnosed with depression a long time ago, given medication that I seemed to tolerate and then in 2021 I had a mental health break. I didn’t know what was going on, but now I do. I was hypomanic. I was in danger and I had two friends get so angry at me for behavior that was “unlike me" so they left me in an Airbnb in Portland, alone. Two years later and I still harbor resentment towards them. I am left with the constant questions of, why? Was I not good enough for them to care? Was my life not worth it? Sometimes I wish I had died. So that would sit heavy on them for the rest of eternity. But I’m stronger than that.

Upon returning home, I asked and honestly harassed them (very publicly on social media) to pay me back for the trip and they eventually did. But guess what also happened? My best friend's Mom texted my Mom saying “she’s paid your daughter her money, can your daughter stop harassing mine?” As if my life was valued at $1,000. This was my best friend. Someone I wouldn’t go a day without texting. Someone that lifted me up when I was down and I did the same for her. I wish it hadn’t happened that way. I wish I didn’t have six friends walk out of my life all at once. If you want to talk about the heaviness of not knowing what is going on with your mind and then adding in the layer of losing your friend group, I’ll tell you -  it’s a recipe for disaster. I moved home, I went on a medical leave from work, I was lost. I would get in fights with my Mom telling her I didn’t want to live any longer. Imagine the pain she felt. Having raised me to be the woman I am today and me telling her I didn’t want it. That I’d rather just not exist. But still I rose - I attended therapy, an intensive outpatient program, but I never received any diagnosis other than depression. I was in deep pain that could only be felt by me and my family. For a period of time I moved in with my sister and her husband. I was still in pain but I was also still fighting. 

On June 20th 2022, one week into starting my new job, I was admitted to the emergency department for suicidal ideations. I was on a 5150 hold. The humiliating part about that is you are a prisoner of your small room and are also very visible. You aren’t allowed privacy and honestly at that moment you aren’t afforded it. You don a green gown instead of blue one, a sign that you have a mental disorder and you are followed to the bathroom and are under 24/7 watch. No cellphone, no access, just you, your thoughts, and the pain that resides inside of you. A pain so great it is indescribable. But I’ll try to describe it. 

I’d equate depression to cancer. However, in some cases with cancer there is finality. I wanted finality. I thought of all the ways I could “accidentally” die: a car accident, a crazy fall, someone taking my life in a mass shooting. However, I didn’t have it in me to actually perform the act of taking my life on my own. Why? Because of my family and because of my boyfriend and his family and one friend that stood by my side through it all. I knew that if I died, a part of them would, too. And how in the world could I be so selfish? I’m an empath; always have been, always will be.

Fast forward to today, I’ve now had two hypomanic episodes and was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I grappled with that diagnosis for so long. I’ve never liked taking medicine and here I am taking two tablets, everyday for seemingly the rest of my life. When I was diagnosed I figured this was a death sentence. I did a lot of research about the longevity of someone’s life with bipolar disorder and it didn’t sit well with me. I attended more programs, I got a new therapist but I just wasn’t feeling better. I kept saying to myself, how does one live life like this? Staring at the ocean, a sunset, my boyfriend, my family and feeling numb. I felt empty. I knew things were beautiful in front of me but it was as if I lost my zest for living, I lost my sense of humor, my empathy, I lost versions of myself and I honestly lost my memory. I couldn’t remember things that my boyfriend told me the day prior. I had severe anxiety, I couldn’t sleep well without sleeping pills, and I felt like every day was a freaking battle. I fought that battle and always will. I’m proud of myself. I have the deepest and utmost gratitude for my boyfriend, my parents, my sister, her husband, H, and my parents dog. They showed me the true meaning of love, support, forgiveness, patience and acceptance. I will never ever be able to describe in words how much gratitude I have. 

As I reflect back on everything that has happened, I am still ashamed of myself. I know the pain that I inflicted on those closest to me, the sleepless nights, the fear, the heartbreak. But I am determined to not let bipolar disorder define me. As my family says, equate bipolar disorder to diabetes. You take a pill to be able to stay alive. I choose to do that. I will be a mental health advocate, as I have been. I will continue to share bits of my story, bits of myself, bits of hope and acceptance. Because honestly, that is what I deserve. I expressed some very personal things about my struggle very publicly. I would take some of that back, but not all of it. I think that the friends that responded to some of what I wrote in support of me, kept me holding on. I’m finally feeling more like me. I’m enjoying the company of friends and loved ones. I'm in love with a human that is unlike anyone I have ever met in my entire life. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I’m going to be an aunt in a mere matter of months. I’m proud of myself for fighting so I can sit here typing this. So I can look back and see how much I have overcome.

[cjsinkythoughts]

Not Your Captain

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Word Count: 1695

Warnings: Falcon and the Winter Soldier Spoilers!!!!! Lots of Angst in this one, guys, lotta feels, some Fluff to counterbalance it, but mostly Angst, Cursing

A/N: This is Part Two to my previous FATWS writing, His Only Contact. FATWS SERIES STERLIST HERE! This one is from Reader’s perspective and gives you a bit more about Reader’s backstory. There will be multiple parts coming out in the next day or two based just on this new episode because damn. It was loaded!  Due to this and my workload this past week, I haven’t been able to post the first chapter of my College!AU, Erased From the Stars, but I promise it’s coming! This’ll be my main focus for the weekend though! Expect more parts in the next 24 hours! I’ll be making a masterlist for this particular project in that time, too! Taglists are open! Please contact me if you want to be tagged! Thank you and please enjoy, loves! (Not beta’d, so sorry for mistakes!)

AGAIN: SPOILERS UNDER CUT!

The moment you saw it on TV, you knew you had to get to Bucky. You weren’t planning on leaving until the next day, but there was no way you weren’t going. So you caught the first plane you could from the base you were staying at.

You’re feelings were all over the place. Steve had been your best friend for more than the past decade. You were the one there when he first woke up. You were the one to help him get situated. You were the one to help him whenever he needed, to go over to his little place in DC when he was having problems, like the time he thought he was having an asthma attack when it was an anxiety attack or when you had to help him find a new phone after he accidentally broke his.

You were that close to falling in love with him. But life went the other way and, in a weird twist of fate, almost as if the universe wanted to spare you of the heartbreak it knew would come if you gave your heart to the dashing captain, you ended up tripping over your own feet for someone else.

Someone you would never tell.

He was the last thing you had left of Steve and you couldn’t ruin that because of your stupid feelings. And you couldn’t ruin the relationship you had now because it was working. He trusted you, more than anyone else. He trusted you because Steve trusted you and you wouldn’t dare break that trust.

You just hoped, with everything going down in relation to the shield - to his legacy - that you’d be able to keep that promise you made to yourself.

You were in front of his door early in the morning - around four - hesitating to knock. It didn’t take long for him to respond the moment your fist did meet the door.

He looked…tired. You wished, oh how you wished, that you could do more. Anything more. He insisted you helped him plenty already; he claimed he never had nightmares when you were by his side. But it wasn’t enough. Not for what he’d been through. You felt as though you were merely putting a bandaid over a bullet wound.

His chocolate locks were short, above his ears. You could remember how hesitant yet eager he was about doing it. It was difficult to not cut his ear off because he kept moving in anticipation. You would know: you cut it. Those blue eyes that made you trip in the first place were outlined by thick lashes, dark ebony bags beneath them, making the azure pop. He was shirtless, as he usually was when sleeping (or at least trying to sleep), his dog tags resting against his sternum. 

You could tell he hadn’t been sleeping. His eyes were bloodshot as if he was watching TV for too long and his hair was less messy than it would be if he actually slept.

The moment his eyes found yours, his plump, chapped lips turned up into the grin he reserved for you and he was pulling you in. Your reaction was instantaneous, your arms slipping around his waist, your chin resting on his shoulder as he found home in the crook of your neck.

He was touch deprived. You knew this, but you never brought it up. Especially considering you were one of the only people he touched willingly. You didn’t want him thinking he was broken, more so than he thought he was already. And you definitely didn’t want to push him into fixing himself. So you didn’t tell him, even though you were pretty sure he knew, and you just let him take the lead. 

Sometimes it meant he grabbed your hand in large crowds, or tucked you under his arm when he was threatened. Other times it meant laying his head in your lap when he was tired late at night, or a soft hug in greeting.

Hands slowly tracing his spine, fingers dancing up and down his back, you gave a small smile when you felt him practically purring in your embrace. You could never decide if he was more puppy or kitten. You used to make jokes about the three of them, Steve, Bucky, and Sam, being like a puppy, kitten, and bird that you had to reluctantly pet sit for a friend. You would give almost anything to be joking around like that with them when you went to visit Bucky in Wakanda with Steve.

“Buck?”

He hummed. You didn’t want to pull back, you wanted to stay connected with him for as long as possible, but you had to talk. You didn’t want to talk about it, because that would make it more real, but you had to. You had to.

“Have you seen the news recently?”

His eyebrows furrowed, his lips pulling down. “What happened? Is it Wanda?”

You looked down the hall, your lips pressed together tightly, before nodding inside. “We have to talk.”

He nodded, stepping back and pulling you inside. Seeing the makeshift bed on the floor against the far edge of the sofa made you inwardly sigh, but you didn’t say anything about it. Steve was the same way at first.

“Is she okay? Did you find her? Where-”

“It’s not Wanda.” Turning, you faced him, trying to control your own anger at the situation, knowing it wouldn’t help him any. “It’s…it’s about Steve.”

Those spectacularly blue eyes narrowed, bottom lip being sucked in between his teeth. “What about Steve?”

You gestured for him to come closer, holding out your hand in offering. He took it and followed you as you led him to the couch. A cleared throat and a deep breath later found you gently explaining what happened to him. That the government had taken back the shield and had given it to someone else. A ‘hero just for America’. A ‘new Captain America’.

You could see his features harden with every word, his jaw ticking dangerously, his chest heaving and his nostrils flaring. You squeezed his hand as you finished. “He’s got meetings and stuff with senators and governors. They’re taking him on a tour this week. They-they want me to meet him, considering I’m the last of the original seven. Active on Earth, at least.”

The tears that started forming in his eyes made you swallow your own emotions down thickly. He didn’t need your hatred of this wannabe to fuel his own. He needed your support and comfort. He needed to know you’d be by his side through this.

“Are you?”

You blinked, not expecting his first words to be that question. “Am I what?”

“Going to meet with him?”

“I-I…” You stopped talking, knowing that if you continued you’d end up ranting about how he wasn’t your captain. How he could never be your captain. Debating answers, you decided on a simple, blunt reply. “No.”

“Why…” 

Running your thumb over his knuckles, you leaned over slowly to press a chaste kiss to his bare skin and blood shoulder. “Take your time. Collect your thoughts.”

He responded to your words by taking a deep breath, clenching his eyes shut, his jaw so tight you feared he might chip his teeth. It was a tense minute before he said anything, the room being filled with his harsh breathing. “You said he gave them the shield.”

“What?”

“Yesterday. You told me he gave up the shield. They put it in the Smithsonian. But you just said they took it from him.”

“He did give it to them, but-”

“Why?” His eyes snapped open, his features twisting into ones of frustration and resentment. “Why’d he give it to them?”

You shook your head, knowing Sam didn’t mean for any of that to happen. He had called you a few weeks ago to ask about your opinion on the matter. You told him that Steve trusted him, and you trusted Steve, so if Sam thought that was the right thing to do…you trusted him. “It’s not Sam’s fault. Don’t be mad-”

“Don’t be mad?! Don’t be mad?!” Bucky shot up, ripping his hand away from yours, making you bite your lip and hang your head as he paced in front of you. “Steve gave it to him! And he just gives it away like he’s regifting a shitty frisbee as a Christmas present! And you don’t want me to be mad?! Are you fucking kidding me, Y/N?!”

Cringing at the use of your name, which you rarely hear fall from his lips, especially in vexation like just then, you looked up at him, eyes pleading. “Bucky, I get it. I do. I’m mad, too. I’m-I’m furious. But you can’t blame Sam. Please. He just - he’s trying, Buck. Just like me. Just like you. We’re all trying.”

Bucky’s shoulders fell as he stared at you, eyes darting from feature to feature as he studied your face. Before you could say anything else, he was on the floor in front of you, in between your legs, arms wrapped around your waist and face pressed into your stomach.

You could tell he was holding something back - something big - but you wouldn’t push him. You never did. Displaying feelings was always hard for him, even in the early 1900’s; Steve used to tell you stories when you were looking for him after the fiasco in DC. Bucky grew up being the oldest of four and the only boy. On top of that, his best friend was a scrawny, stubborn, punching bag of a boy. According to Stevie, neither of them really learned how to cope or how to deal with feelings. And it showed. Boy, did it show.

Instead of getting on him and asking what was wrong and begging for him to talk to you, your fingers tangled in his hair, nails scratching his scalp, as you sat back to make the position more comfortable for him.

“Stay with me. I need you.”

You leaned down to press a soft kiss to his head, nodding into his hair. “I’ll stay. For as long as you need me, Buckaroo.”

Taglist (OPEN):

@happygoreading​, @thatsdarwinism​, @satellitespidey​

[lunetual]

✣ HAPPY INNIE DAY ✣ with love, with adoration, wishing choi in joy and happiness for the year ahead and beyond.

quick cc note: yes i entered my elring era less than two months ago yes i cry multiple times a week over them yes i would give choi in the world if he asked, but he’d never ask. i will bring myself to tears if i think too long about choi in but as we know i’ve never been succinct in any of these quick cc notes in my life and i’m certainly not starting now!

choi in just radiates warmth. by his own admission and according to the rest of the members, he IS team mom. and honestly you don’t need them to tell you that, you can see it in everything he does. he’s cheerful and bright and is happy to play with the younger kids but he’s also just a natural caretaker. he radiates warmth. they all lean on him and depend on him and they get excited when he cooks for them... like i think every single day about the unlock episode where he spends four hours cooking for the 02s to make sure they have a hot lunch on their csat day :(

he’s an incredibly hard worker and so so talented. every single member of e’last has a lovely unique vocal tone and he’s no exception. he’s a beautiful dancer with gorgeous dance lines; he looks up to taemin a ton and it shows. he also choreographs for the group and i am always so impressed. also like. he debuted at 24. i think there’s something to be said about his tenacity and his belief in himself when so many companies/kmedia/fans will basically write a trainee off if they’re pushing twenty years old. like he went out on a limb and i’m so glad he did! he belongs onstage he’s such a joy to watch like he is such a talented performer i am so grateful to him for seeing this through and i hope that he feels like it has all been worth it.

anyway i just think. i think innie simply deserves everything that his heart could possibly desire. genuinely i just want him to be happy and feel fulfilled and i am not kidding i really believe in him so much and i hope 2022 brings opportunities for him to show the world how wonderful he is.

[getoutofmyjaneway]

Enterprise is also Leaving Netflix. What Should you Watch Before it Boldly Goes Away

So let’s talk about Enterprise shall we? The black sheep of Trek, it is very different from what came before it. And you are right, Enterprise starts off slow.  R e a l l y    s l o w.  Do not let that stop you, Enterprise has a lot to offer! How you can watch depends on how much you have to put into the show:

Option 1 - Long Option

Enterprise is primarily comprised of story arcs in its third and fourth seasons. You can see Star Trek actively starting to transition its’ form of storytelling from usually one- or two-episode stories to the multi-episode to season-long story arcs we typically see in TV today. I will also not be the first to say that Enterprise really blossoms in those two seasons. Because of this, it is really hard to just jump into an episode in the middle of a story arc without being a little lost

Your best option is to watch all of the Xindi story arc and most of the story arcs in season 4.

Start at season 2 episode 26 The Expanse and watch all the way to season 4 episode 21 Terra Prime. This is the true series finally, do not watch These are the Voyages, it is one of the most insulting series finales, like worse than Seinfeld.

Please note that you can skip season 4 episodes 18 and 19 if you don’t like/ are annoyed by the Mirror Universe. These are for-fun episodes that I enjoyed, but I understand are not for everyone. Additionally, season 4 episodes 10 and 11 are not part of any broader story arc, but I would only skip episode 11, Observer Effect. I personally really like episode 10, Daedalus, which gives insight into the history of the Star Trek Universe.

This leaves you with anywhere from 42-46 episodes to watch. Now if that seems like a lot, don’t worry! You can always watch:

Option 2 - Just 10 Episodes

Season 1 Episode 13 - Dear Doctor

Ship's Doctor and resident non-human character Phlox is on Enterprise in a type of exchange program, with a human taking his place on a Denobulan vessel as they strive to learn more about each other's cultures. Phlox writes his human counterpart a 'Data's Day' style letter in which he recounts the adventure of the day. So what's on the menu today? Oh, I don't know, just the origination point of the Prime Directive, you might have heard of that before. 

Season 2 Episode 23 -  Regeneration

Regeneration is a follow-up to the movie, Star Trek First Contact. Yes. I am serious. A group of scientists encounters a crash site where they find Borg corpsickles and so kindly bring them back. This means that the Borg's attack at Wolf 359 was actually a predestination paradox created by the same man who leads the charge against the Borg at that very battle. Yikes. Overall though, a Borg episode was surprisingly appreciated, reminding us that this is overall still a part of the current Star Trek canon.

Season 2 Episode 24 -  First Flight

The point of Enterprise was to give us a glimpse into the early years of human space exploration. While we only saw so much, we did see the beginning of humans traveling at faster than warp speeds. As part of the NX program that spawned Enterprise herself, many tests had to be made to push the maximum possible speed. Of course, being the prolific piolet he was, Archer was there. Making drama.

Season 3 Episode 8 -  Twilight

Enterprise ran into an anomaly that slams into a corridor where Archer and T'Pol are. T'Pol becomes trapped and Archer frees her. This allowed her to escape, but he did not share her fate, being rendered unconscious by the same anomaly. That was 12 years ago. As a result of his injury, he can no long-term memories and Archer has to come to grips with what has been lost during that time. This is my favorite episode of Enterprise, that invokes shades of DS9's The Visitor and Voyager's Year of Hell. In my research, I found out that this was originally pitched as a Voyager story which is now so obvious. The relationship between Archer and T'Pol is never romantic, but you can see the true care they have for each other in their interactions here.

The “Romulan Interference” Arc

Season 4 Episode 12 - Babel One

Season 4 Episode 13 - United

Season 4 Episode 14 - The Aenar

I have decided to select this three-episode arc which is defined by Memory Alpha as the Romulan Interference Arc. By trying to turn the founding members of the federation against each other, the Romulans accidentally created one of their biggest rivals. Oops. Of course, the Romulans are not the main focus, where this really shines is the interplay between the different cultures of the founding races, the humans, Vulcans, Andorians, and Tellarites. You can see that this was originally planned to be long and drawn out, but they did a good job of condensing it into a nice little arc. Andorians are at their best in Enterprise and this is the most in-depth look that we see in the series. Star Trek Legend Jeffery Combs plays Shran and of course he is amazing, his chemistry with Archer is real. As a reoccurring character, this is not the first or last time we see Shran, but probably the most focused look we have on the character.

The “Xenophobic Humans” Arc

Season 4 Episode 3 - Home

Season 4 Episode 20 - Demons

Season 4 Episode 21 - Terra Prime

Another arc here to round off the list. I had originally only planned on placing episodes 20 and 21 here, but as there is setup done earlier in the season, episode 3, so I have also included it here as it contributes to a bigger part of the story. It makes sense after all that people have been through after the Xindi war, there would be pro-isolation groups. Heck, they probably were already there, but it makes sense that here, the tension would grow. It’s kind of ironic that after all of these struggles with alien races, the climax of the series sees a struggle not among aliens, but among humans. As a premise, this is what we all expected of Enterprise, a Coalition among explorers coming together to see what is beyond their shores. This is the true ending of Enterprise.

Again there are multiple ways to watch Enterprise, and again, these are just snippets. I know I left out some episodes that people will probably enjoy like The Expanse, Carbon Creek, or even the pilot Broken Bow (which in my opinion is the best pilot episode in the pre-reboot Star Trek era). This list was composed of episodes that would best give the Enterprise flavor, and in my opinion, the effect of an episode on Star Trek mythology was one of the biggest contributing factors. Would love to know what you think or if there are other episodes that should be added. 

[backtobackbakubabe]

Speak Easy Part 3

Bakugo x Reader

Words: 4892

Masterlist

Reader has a siren quirk and has spent the past several years of her life as a captive being experimented on by “heroes” Now that she’s out she needs protection and safe place to heal. Who will be the one to put her pieces back together?

Words with 'this' is dialogue written in her journal rather than said out loud and and words with ~this~ is dialogue said in sign language rather than out loud.

***********************************************************************

Dabi had laid you down gently in the back seat of his car, taking off his jacket to lay over you. You wanted to fall asleep you really did. But the consistent pain coming from your hip was enough to keep you awake, but not enough for you to pass out. You hugged the jacket around you that smelled like smoke and coffee.

You don’t know much time passed but eventually you were being pulled from the backseat. He picked you up bridal style and made his way to the house, “Look at you. We’re not even married, and you already have me carrying you over the threshold.”

When you didn’t react to his little joke he sighed, “Wow tough crowd, okay.”

He walked straight to the couch and put you down before immediately jogging to the kitchen to grab some first aid supplies… amongst other things.

He came back and sat on the table that was in front on the couch and maneuvered you so your injured hip was accessible to him. “Okay this is going to sting for a little bit, but I’m going to need you to stay still until I’m done.” Without any more warning then that he poured what smelled like vodka on the wound.

It stung like a bitch, causing you to dig your nails into the cushion of the couch and grit your teeth so hard you were surprised they didn’t crack.

He started to wipe it down with some kind of cloth. Cleaning all the dried blood and sweat from you. You were practically panting now trying to breathe through the sharp pain. “That’s it. Keep breathing. Good girl. I’m almost done.” He taped a bandage over it before pulling your hoodie back down. “There. Good as new.”

He helped you sit up a little so he could give you a glass of water, which you were incredibly thankful for. “Alright… so I have all the good stuff. Anything you could want really.” He pulled out several bottles of pills.

You didn’t know what was in those bottles, but you knew you didn’t want any. You’ve had enough drugged out days to last a lifetime. So as much as you knew it’d help with the pain, you didn’t want it. You just met Dabi less than twelve hours ago. You didn’t know what kind of bullshit he’d pull once you went under.

You shook your head no and pointed to the bottle of vodka. You may not want pills, but a shot wouldn’t kill you.

He chuckled, “Okay tough guy. Whatever you say.” He walked back to the kitchen and returned with two of the biggest shot glasses you had ever seen. “Let’s get this party started huh?” He poured two shots and handed one to you. “To life off the grid.”

You both threw your shots back. He with no reaction, you however immediately started coughing.

His hand rubbed a circle on your back, “Look at you. Took it like a champ. Didn’t even need a chaser.” He poured another shot for himself and brought it up to his lips but stopped when he saw you looking at him. “What? You didn’t think I’d give you more than one, did you? Oh no, no, no. With how tiny you are? Not to mention your tolerance has probably gone to shit. I think one is plenty for now.”

Well jokes on him. Just because you seem weak doesn’t mean you are. He’s not going to tell you how much you can and can’t drink. You scooted to the edge of the couch, wincing a little as you did. You scooped up the bottle of vodka and took a swig straight from the bottle.

You saw something flash behind his eyes, but he immediately hid it behind a playful smirk, “I don’t know if you’re a badass or a brat. Only time will tell. But I’ll have you know that in my house… My word is law. I’m just trying to help you after all.” He tore the bottle from your hands before securing the lid, giving it an extra hard squeeze to keep you from opening it again. “But because this is your first night here, and you’re hurt, and I really am a nice guy. I’ll let it slide this once…. So? You still want some ice cream?”

You nodded as you reached for your notebook but was alarmed when you couldn’t find it. You could already feel the light feeling of a buzz taking over, but you refused to let Dabi know he was right about your tolerance.

“What’s up? What are you looking for?” You made a gesture with your hands as if you were writing something down. “Ah, right. The handy dandy notebook. It’s probably in the car. I’ll go grab it.” He took a few steps away before coming back to grab the bottle of vodka, mumbling something about how he refuses to clean up your puke.

You took this time while he was away to get a better look at the place. It was very minimalistic. Lots of greys, whites, and blacks. The couch felt just as expensive as the giant tv on the wall looked. From what you could see of the kitchen, it looked nice. The shiny appliances were either kept impeccably clean, or never used. Was this his house? It hardly looked lived in.

“Alright got the notebook. How about you pick something to watch while I scoop some ice cream. What do you want? One for Vanilla, two for chocolate, three for cookies and cream.”

You held up three fingers. You were amazed at how well he was adjusting to communicating with you already. He had just accepted that you weren’t talking and went with it.

“Cookies and cream huh? I thought you’d be more of a fan of vanilla.” He chuckled. “The remot is on the side table next to you. The TV is rigged so you can basically watch whatever you want. Just type it into the search bar.”

You picked up the remote and quickly started scanning through channels. Your finger accidentally brushed the microphone button and you froze at the loud beeping noise that signaled it was listening.

Dabi had made his way over with two bowls both with cookies and cream. He saw the face you made at the remote before taking it from you and replacing it with a bowl of ice cream. “Hey none of that pouty shit. It’s not cute. This is temporary, you’ll be talking again in no time.”

He looked at the screen, “Okay one for anime, two for live action.” You held up one finger. “Okay, One for thriller, two for action, three for comedy. Four for romance.” You held up two fingers. “Oh, thank god I really thought you were going to pick romance. Okay I’m going to scroll through them, just tap my shoulder when you want me to stop.”

He scrolled for a while before you stopped him at Naruto. “Ah a classic. Good pick. Now get comfy. I have a feeling you’re gonna pass out before the first episode is even over.”

Sure enough, soon after finishing your bowl of ice cream you felt your eye lids drooping. A part of you was still nervous to fall asleep. But seeing as you just had a wild 24 hours… there was no way in hell you were fighting sleep for long.

“You ready for bed yet?” You sleepily nodded your head and started to slide down so you could lay down on the couch. “Oh no you don’t.” He scooped you up and headed down a hallway. He entered a rather large room with a bathroom attached and tossed you onto the bed causing the wound in your hip to throb. “Okay welcome to you room, this your bed, that is your bathroom. I will be right across the hall. I’d say yell if you need something but… well you know. So… try to not need me. Have a good night.”

You grabbed his wrist before he could get far, “What don’t tell me you’re like afraid of the dark or something.” He turned around to see your blushing face as you pointed to the bathroom and then to yourself. “Ooooooh, okay. Right. So, is this like a you need to pee situation? Or did you like… want to shower? Not that I’m against helping you take a shower…” He smirked at you.

You rolled your eyes and held up one finger. “Okay, okay, but you will eventually have to shower. But I guess we can figure that out tomorrow.” There was a wicked gleam in his eye that could only be compared to a child who was plotting on how to steal a cookie from the cookie jar.

He had been pretty patient while waiting for you to finish going to the bathroom, but he was still just as rough as he tossed you back onto the bed. “Alright, so, to reiterate, I’m right across the hall. Try to not need me. Good night.”

You sank into the bed the second the door closed behind him. You were alone. You were free and you were alone. Twenty-four hours ago, you had been strapped to a bed with shock collar on. You curled into a ball and cried. You wanted this to be the last time you felt sorry for yourself, so you wanted to get it all out now. Tomorrow was the first day of your new life and you didn’t plan on wasting a single second of it.

It didn’t take long for you to cry yourself to sleep considering how exhausted you were. What would have surprised you however was the fact that Dabi was sitting just outside the door listening to you muffled sobs, clenching his fists in rage.

It wasn’t until he heard you screaming that he realized he had fallen asleep there. On his feet in seconds he ran into your room. What he saw shook him a little bit. You had kicked all of the blankets off the bed. Soaked in sweat and tears. Your body was jerking around so hard it looked painful. You were having a nightmare, likely due to PTSD.

Shit what did he do? He’s no stranger to bad dreams, but he also knows he could make it worse if he doesn’t do this right. “Hey y/n. Y/N! I need you to wake up honey. It’s just a dream. You’re safe. Y/n. Y/N! Come on now follow my voice. Wake up for me yeah? You’re okay, I promise.” He reached out and as lightly as he possibly could touched your cheek.

You were burning up. He cursed as he tried to peel your soaked hoodie off of you. He started to shake your shoulder a little harder. But all that did was make you panic and thrash around. So he grabbed you and held you to him. “God Damnit Y/n. Wake up!”

He felt the tension leave your body only for a moment before you started to try and push him off of you.

He immediately dropped his arms and pushed away from you. “Hey you’re okay. It’s just me. Remember your hero pals saved you yesterday and now we’re roomies.” He could see the confusion in your eyes start to fade as you woke up. “Believe me I understand. I’d be scared too if I woke up in a weird place with my ugly mug lookin at you.”

He reached for your journal and tried to hand it to you. “You want to talk about it?”

You shook your head and hugged your knees to your chest. He nodded and put the journal back on the nightstand. “That’s okay. You don’t have to…” He wasn’t very good at this part. Talking about emotions and shit. “Yeah so uh… I can get you a different shirt.” He could see the goosebumps already raising on your arms. Now that the panic and adrenaline had subsided you were damp and cold. “And I can get a warm bath going if you want? He looked at the clock. It’s 5:30, which in ungodly early for me, but if you’re up I guess we can go ahead and start the day… How does that sound?”

You refused to look him in the eye and settled for a shrug of your shoulders, letting your knees drop from your chest. He could see straight through your tank top and was pleasantly surprised to find that under that baggie hoodie you had some nice tits.

He liked his lips and lucky for him, you were too busy avoiding eye contact that you didn’t even notice. “Alright well I tried being nice in giving you an option so now I’m telling you. You’re taking a bath.” He picked you up and walked towards the bathroom. “I’ll get the water going. Do you think you can manage making it from the toilet to the tub without me?”

Again, you shrugged which was quickly becoming one of his biggest pet peeves. He groaned, “One for yes, two for no. No more fucking shrugging.”

You nodded and held up one finger. “Alright, that wasn’t that hard was it?”

Without waiting for an answer he knew he wasn’t going to get he started the water and left you to it.

He went out to the car to grab the backpack the mini might kid had packed for you. Then into his room to grab you a clean shirt. He was going to leave the items outside the bathroom door until he heard a thump followed by a groan.

“Y/n? Did you fall down?” A very long pause later and you hit the side of the tub once. “Okay do you need help getting up?” Another long pause before you hit the side twice. “Are you sure?” He desperately wanted you to say no. Not to sound like a perv, but he’d love to get a quick peek at you.

Two hits on the tub sounded. “Okay, I’m coming in.” He opened the door almost too quickly. There you were sitting on the floor, back against the tub, completely naked. He had expected you to try and hide yourself from view, but was shocked when you practically reached for him, baring your entire chest for him to drink in.

He stopped for a moment before picking you up. “I’m not going to pick you up like I usually do. Instead I’m going to help you stand, and hold you while you try to get in yourself. We gotta start working on those legs.” You looked nervous but nodded anyways.

He hooked his hands under your armpits and pulled against him in standing position. His pinkies barley brushing the outside of your breasts and even that little bit drove him crazy. But he contained himself. The last thing he needed was you randomly activating your quirk and figuring out what a horn dog he is.

You weakly attempted to raise your right leg high enough to get into the tub. You were almost there, you almost had it. “That’s it, you’re doing so well. Just a little more, come on you can do it.” Whether you knew it or not, your ass was pushing back into Dabi’s crotch and he wasn’t going to make it much longer. So he lifted you a little higher making it easier for you to step in. “OKAY, I think one leg is good enough progress for now.” He sat the rest of you in gently before quickly turning away calling over his shoulder, “Alright, I’ll be back in… ten minutes to help you back out.”

You waited until he was gone to let a small giggle out. It honestly took you by surprise. It was the first time you had made a noise that wasn’t out of pain in a while. But just remembering the blush of his cheeks when you reached for him was enough to have you smile to yourself.

Before all of this happened to you were no stranger to being naked. In fact, you loved it. Maybe it was some weird side effect of your quirk. But you loved being naked, being intimate, having sex. To you there was no better bliss. You craved it. Your quirk allowed you all the control you could ever want, but there was something so intoxicating about giving that control over completely to someone else. To be praised, to be worshipped, to be adored.

Well at least that was the way you were before. Before you weren’t allowed to touch anyone, or look at them, or… speak to them. What if you were different now? What if being controlled for so long, being forced to do things against your will… what if it changed you?

The thought made you sad. You briefly considered testing the waters with Dabi, but quickly shook that from your head. And it wasn’t even the fact he was a villain, as much as you hate to admit it, you’d slept with villains before. But could you even consider him a villain anymore. You could see what Todoroki had meant by saying he was neither hero nor villain.

No, the biggest reason you needed to keep your hands off Dabi is because he was nice enough to take you in. You don’t need to jeopardize your safety just to curb your cravings.

You quickly scrubbed your body clean and did your best to wash your hair, but it was a nightmare. Your hair was crazy long now and the knots and tangles were just impossible to get through. You wined in frustration as your fingers yet again got stuck.

“You know I could always shave your head, I’m sure you could pull it off.” You stuck your tongue out at him as he handed you a brush. “Better watch who you’re sticking that tongue out at.” He hesitated, “Arms up, time to get out.”

You felt like a child, but you obeyed without protest. Earning you a “good girl” that sent shivers down your spine. “Hm? Do you like it when I praise you?”

You shrugged and avoided eye contact and you could feel the growl rip through is chest. “What did I say about fucking shrugging?”

You bit your lip and pulled yourself closer to him so he couldn’t see your blushing face.

Like a sack of potatoes, you were tossed onto to the bed. He tossed you a pair of clean underwear and one of his shirts that would easily come down to your knees. Once you were dressed, he roughly pulled you to the edge of the bed and sat between your legs.

Your heart rate spiked, and you let out an excited gasp. His hand smoothed up your thigh, “Relax, I’m just putting a new bandage on your hip. Don’t get so excited.” He examined the shallow wound and you winced. It took everything in him not to place a kiss right over your wound. He’d made that mark on you. It would definitely scar and as twisted as it sounded… he liked that.

He started to tape the new bandage down. One of his hands rubbed the inside of your thigh, while the other made sure the bandage was secure. God he just wanted to bite into the soft flesh in front of him. He took a deep breath to steady himself, but he was absolutely not prepared for… was you winding your fingers through his white locks.

“Y/n… what?” Your fingers tightened causing him to groan and let lose. He started to kiss the meaty part of your thigh, biting ever few kisses drawing sweet sounds from your lips that made him wonder what your voice sounded like. He made his way up to your hip and kissed right above the bandage before licking up from you belly button and up your sternum, pushing your shirt… well his shirt up as he went. He grabbed one of your tits in one hand while he sucked on the other nipple. Your hips bucked up as his hand traveled south. As soon as his hand started to sneak past your underwear something in you snapped.

You couldn’t do this. Not now. Something wasn’t right. You felt trapped under his body weight, you couldn’t breathe. Too much, you weren’t ready.

You pushed at his hand and whined until finally he got the message. He stopped and looked at your confused eyes, “Shit… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I-I guess I misread that one.” He pulled your shirt back down and knelt in front on you on the bed. “I guess we should set some rules huh?”

Rules… rules… follow the rules.

You yanked your gaze down to stare at your hands that you had folded in your lap. Don’t look, don’t talk, don’t touch.

He reached for one of your hands, but you yanked it back shaking your head. “Hey look at me.” You continued to stare into your lap. He swore under his breath, “Please… look at me. I need to know what I did or said that freaked you out so bad. This is what I mean when I said we need rules-“ You flinched. “Oh is the word rules?”

You started to shrug before you remembered he wouldn’t like that. You lifted a shaky hand and picked up your journal and handed it to him open to the first page. You snuck a glance at his expression as he read over them. His face was expressionless as he read over your list of rules. “Hm… sounds kinky.”

He looked around for something to write with before coming to sit next to you, making sure to give you plenty of space. “Okay so how about instead we have laws?” You gave a quick shrug before nodding in agreement. He narrowed his eyes at you, “And law number one. No fucking shrugging.”

He handed the pen to you, “You’re turn. Write something down.” You gave him a questioning look, “Don’t worry about it, if I don’t like it, I’ll just draw a line through it. We’re brainstorming here.”

You wrote down “No drugs.” You heard him groan but he nodded anyways.

“Okay fine but then you have to make eye contact when talking to me. Doesn’t matter if it’s verbal or not.”

You went on like that for a while until you had a new set of “laws”

You had agreed to workouts in the pool to get your strength back up and he agreed to try and learn sign language with you.

The last law he added however was “I will not initiate the sexy time without written or verbal consent.”

You rolled your eyes and went to push him away but he dodged you easily enough. He quickly stood up throwing you over his shoulder. “Alright enough of that. We have a long day ahead of us.”

You helped him make breakfast while he explained that this house was one of many that he owned under different aliases. This one was the most secluded and had the best security system.

You were still picking at your pancakes when he sat next to you at the kitchen island bringing a laptop with him. “I’m not helping you down from here until you eat every last bite. Law number 7- Eat three full meals a day. Need to put some meet on those bones.”

He pulled up a website that had a video queued up that said introduction to sign language. “Okay before we get going 1 for tea, 2 for coffee.”

Your eyes lit up as you held up 2 fingers and scurried to grab your journal. ‘Can you put some milk in it?’ It had been so long since you had coffee and the thought had you bouncing with excitement.

He read it and gave you a thumbs up. “Go ahead and start the video, I’m just over here.”

And that’s how you set into your routine. Every day you’d sleep in until you decided to get up. Eat a big breakfast. Work on sign language. Eat Lunch. Do some kind of workout in the pool. Relax and watch TV. Eat dinner. Take a bath. Go to bed.

You did this every day for the past two weeks and you could already tell a difference. You and Dabi had learned a few basics in sign. Only a few words, but it was a start. But Dabi’s favorite part was helping you walk.

Not that he didn’t like carrying you, but this was just as much fun. He’d hold you under the armpits from behind and he’d let you stand on his feet like a child. You still couldn’t walk on your own, but you were so close. Every day you felt stronger and you knew it was only a matter of time.

Today marks sixteen days that you had been here. You watched as Dabi cleaned up the rest of breakfast. You frowned as you thought about how much he did for you and how little you gave in return. You hadn’t noticed him walk over to you until his hand was lifting your chin to look at him. “Pool time?”

You nodded and signed back ~Pool time~. You reached your arms up to be picked up and he easily complied, no worse than a trained dog.

“You’ve gained weight. I can tell.”

You looked horrified as you slapped his shoulder. ~rude~

He chuckled, “Hey don’t get all huffy about it. It’s a good thing. You were way too skinny before. You looked like a strong breeze would blow you over and break all of your bones.” He stopped at the edge of the pool giving you a wicked look. “Now you’re starting to look healthy again. Healthy enough for me to do this and not feel bad about it.”

He tossed you into the pool, clothes and all. You sputtered to the surface but didn’t have to struggle long before he was behind you leading you to the shallow end. “You’re fine. Almost there, don’t be so dramatic.”

He led you to the wall you usually hold on to for your exercises and let you go. You growled as you flipped him off. Idiot doesn’t need to know sign language to understand that one.

You pulled your wet shirt off and tossed it over to one of the lounge chairs. Leaving you in just a bra and underwear, which is how you normally did these exercises. Dabi had requested the heroes send a bathing suit in the next care package, but it hadn’t arrived yet.

He reached around your middle section and pulled you away from the wall after you had done a couple sets of squats and leg kicks. “Okay now lets see how you do without the wall.” He turned you around to face him and slowly backed away only holding your elbows now. “Okay now lets take a lap around the shallow end shall we?”

At first your steps were more like tiny shuffles. “It’s gonna take us all damn day if you don’t start taking bigger steps. Come on you can do it. Pick those feet up!”

You gave him a harsh glare. He knew you couldn’t fight back right now because your hands were too busy gripping his arms for support.

You started taking larger steps and then larger ones and then eventually you had made it almost all the way around. Dabi stepped back and completely. “Okay just a few more steps. I think you can do them on you own. Come on baby girl. Just a few steps. You can do it.”

You nodded enthusiastically, of course you could. It was just a few steps. You could do this. You reached your hands out to the side and took your first step by yourself. Your eyes lit up at the feeling. Sure, it was only in the pool, but that was progress! “That’s it! Good girl, keep going!” You reached for him as you took another step, followed by another and another and then suddenly he was picking you up. “Hell yeah! Atta girl! Good job. I think that earned you some kind of reward.” He gave the top of your head a quick kiss as he started to carry you out of the pool.

Your head was singing with his praises, and your body was buzzing with adrenaline after crossing such a huge milestone. He carried you to his room where he pulled out another shirt for you to wear. “Okay so about that rewar-“

He was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. His eyes went dark. No one was supposed to know where this place was. He quickly picked you up and sprinted to the office. There was a secret false wall panel that led to a saferoom. He had told you of its existence in case he ever needed to hide you, but you hadn’t actually seen it. He was in the process of opening up the wall when a familiar flash of blonde hair showed on the security monitor. You pinched his shoulder and pointed.

He looked at what you were pointing at and groaned. “What the fuck is he doing here?”

***************************

tags: @falling4fandoms @wifunozomi @here-in-never-land @whore-for-anime @klecksstorys @aurorahoneybuns @theunknownrandom @insane-without-delirium @frenchsfryys @officiallydarkgeek @neofixcs

[joshjacksons]

Joshua Jackson interview with "Mr Porter" (2021)

Minutes before Mr Joshua Jackson joins me in a booth for a Friday afternoon drink at a vibey hotel bar in Santa Monica, he’s confronted by his past. Or rather, a woman in her early twenties who is binge-watching Dawson’s Creek, the teen show about a close-knit group of high-school friends coming of age in a sleepy American town, which made Jackson incredibly famous between 1998 and 2003. The series, which also made household names of Ms Michelle Williams and Ms Katie Holmes, went off air 18 years ago, but is now streaming on Netflix, to the bemusement of Jackson, who played lovable rogue Pacey Witter. “This girl was like, ‘Are you...?’ And I’m like, ‘Yes, I am. He got old. I’m sorry to break it to you,’” he says, before ordering an iced tea and a charcuterie board to tide him over until dinner time. “It always surprises me when young people say they’ve just got into Dawson’s Creek. I’m like, ‘Is it a costume drama to you? Do you feel like you’re watching a historical documentary?’”

The idea of a Friends-style reunion episode or a Sex And The City revival feels equally far-fetched to Canadian-born Jackson, now 43 and wearing it well in a pale green linen shirt and tailored linen trousers by Oliver Spencer that complement his fading brown hair and Cali-tanned skin.

“I don’t know why you’d want to [bring it back],” he says. “Nobody needs to know what those characters are doing in middle age. We left them in a nice place. Nobody needs to see that Pacey’s back hurts. I don’t think we need that update.”

And Jackson doesn’t need Dawson’s Creek. From Mr JJ Abrams’ sci-fi series Fringe (2008-2013) to the Golden Globe award-winning The Affair (2014-2019), from Ms Ava DuVernay’s ground-breaking true-crime drama When They See Us (2019) to the recent Ms Reese Witherspoon and Ms Kerry Washington-produced Little Fires Everywhere (2020), he has commanded the small screen – with a collection of dynamic and diverse work – ever since.

His latest role as Mr Christopher Duntsch, the Texas surgeon convicted of gross malpractice when 33 of his patients were left seriously injured after he operated on them and two of them died, in chilling Peacock crime drama Dr Death, is only stepping his career up another gear.

“I’ve never played anyone irredeemable before,” says Jackson, who is joined in the eight-part series (based on the 2018 Wondery podcast of the same name) by Messrs Christian Slater and Alec Baldwin. “He is charming, gregarious and has a high-level intellect, but he’s also a misogynist, probably a sociopath, certainly a narcissist and a complete incompetent who is incapable of seeing himself.”

If Duntsch is terrifying, then Jackson’s portrayal is even more so. The artist formerly known as Pacey is virtually unrecognisable (thanks to prosthetics) in the opening scene, but the real challenge for Jackson was allowing himself to view someone who is so “spectacularly evil” as a human being in order to walk in his shoes. “It’s a more damning portrayal of the man to make him into a human being, rather than just make him the bad guy,” he says. “He really believes he’s the hero, he’s the genius and that he’s the victim, so once I got past my own judgment, all the other things fell into place.”

Jackson might have his pick of stellar roles – and challenges – now, but it has not happened by accident. Take it from someone who has been in the business since landing his first job aged 14 in Disney’s live-action movie series The Mighty Ducks, opposite Brat Pack alumnus Mr Emilio Estevez.

“You try to make it look like it happens accidentally,” he says, “but there is no way to do this and not be ambitious. I’d say I’m extremely ambitious because I’ve been doing this cutthroat job for nearly 30 years. I’m in the pay-off phase of my career now. One of the benefits of surviving for as long as I have is you get to learn from your own mistakes.”

Such as? “I wouldn’t say, ‘I wish I hadn’t done that,’ because it all becomes bricks in a path, but [after Dawson’s Creek] I was not choosy enough about the things I was doing. You get stuck. You start trying to perform the performance you think people are hoping to see you do. I was so used to working all the time that I just worked all the time. There was definitely a conscious moment in my mid-twenties when I realised I wasn’t really enjoying the work that I was doing. My manager at the time just said, ‘Take a breath. You’re burnt out.’”

The turning point came in 2005, when Jackson was offered a role in the two-hander Mr David Mamet play A Life In The Theatre, opposite Sir Patrick Stewart. “God bless him, Patrick could have made my life miserable because I had no idea what I was doing, ” he says. “I hadn’t been on stage since I was a kid and now I was in the West End in over my head. But it reminded me that I actually enjoyed being an actor, that it’s not about the red carpet or travelling around the world. What I really enjoy is working on good material with good people.”

It’s no surprise Jackson’s time on Dawson’s Creek led to a career crisis. From the ages of 19 to 24, he lived with his fellow cast mates in Wilmington, North Carolina, filming day in, day out, in an arrangement he likens to college. “You get to the end and they’re like, ‘Here’s your degree. Go live now. You’re an adult. Go out into the world,’” he says.

But most graduates don’t have to deal with global fame. “It’s transitory. You’re only ever cool for a moment and then you become much less cool. I was always pretty dubious about flatterers,” he says, recalling a time he was stung in London in the mid-2000s. “I went on a date in Hyde Park with a woman whose name I will not use – she was socialite-famous – and she was acting completely bizarre, looking over her shoulder the whole time. I came to find out that she had hired a photographer to follow us through the park and gave a whole story to the tabloids about how I was going to meet her family.”

It was his growing fortune, rather than fame, that caused Jackson the most anxiety. “Suddenly, at 19 years old, I was making more in a week than most of my friends’ parents would make in a year,” he says. “It was lovely to have the money, but it was that feeling of nobody is worth that kind of money. You feel like a fraud and it took me a long time to forgive myself for not being the thing that I was perceived as.”

Born in Vancouver, but raised in Topanga, California, until he was eight (before moving back to Vancouver following his parents’ divorce), Jackson bought his childhood home in 2001 and lives in it today with his wife, British Queen & Slim actor Ms Jodie Turner-Smith, and their 15-month-old daughter.

“My father unfortunately was not a good father or a husband and exited the scene, but that house in Topanga was where everything felt simple, so it was a very healing thing for me to do,” he says. Fast-forward to 2021 and his baby daughter now sleeps in her father’s childhood bedroom. “There was a mural of a dragon on the wall in that room that I couldn’t believe was still there, years later. The owner [who sold him the house] said, ‘I knew it meant a lot to somebody and that they were going to come back for it some day.’”

Becoming a first-time parent during a pandemic sounds stressful, but it afforded Jackson months at home with his wife and child that his normal work schedule wouldn’t have allowed.

“I now recognise how perverse the way that we have set up our society is,” he says. “There is not a father I know who works a regular job who didn’t go back to the office a week later. It’s robbing that man of the opportunity to bond with his child and spend time with his partner.”

Despite his obvious career ambitions, fatherhood has changed Jackson’s priorities in “every possible way”, he says. “It’s 100 per cent changed how I approach my work and my life. That has been made so clear to me in this past year. For me to feel good about what I’m doing day to day, my family has to be the central focus.

“There are plenty of things left for me to do, but now the thing that gets me excited is experiencing the world through my daughter’s eyes. I can’t wait to take her scuba diving. I can’t wait to take her skiing. I can’t wait to read a great book with her. I’m not worried at all she’ll be a wallflower. She’s been a character from the word go.”

Jackson met Turner-Smith, 34, two days after his 40th birthday. He had been single since his 10-year relationship with German actress Ms Diane Kruger ended in 2016. “I was not looking to fall in love again or meet the mother of my child, but life has other plans for you,” he says.

The couple met at a party. Turner-Smith was wearing the same The Future Is Female Ejaculation T-shirt Ms Tessa Thompson’s character, Detroit, wears in the 2018 film Sorry To Bother You. “That’s what I used to break the ice. I shouted, ‘Detroit!’ across the room. Not the smoothest thing I’ve ever done, but it worked. We were pretty much inseparable from the word go. It was a whirlwind romance and I can tell my daughter I literally saw her mother across a room and thought, ‘I have to be next to this woman.’”

A self-confessed “useless” shopper, Jackson gives his wife full credit for his current wardrobe. He is jewellery-free, apart from a wedding band and a gold signet “JJ” ring on his little finger (a present from his wife), and discovered tailored sweatsuits (by Stampd and Reigning Champ) in the pandemic.

“Jodie has influence in the way that a wonderful wife encourages you, through love, to dress well. She was like, ‘We’re going to throw away all the sweatpants from your past and I’m going to get you some that actually make you look like an adult male and you will still feel comfortable around the house,’ and I’m like, ‘What an amazing idea!’ Who knew you could get sweatsuits that actually look good on your body?”

Jackson’s style has evolved, he says, “from slovenly teen to it’s-nice-when-your-clothes-actually-fit-you”. The penny dropped after he auditioned for his former co-star Estevez, who was directing the 2006 Mr Robert Kennedy biopic Bobby. He said to me, ‘You only got this job because I know you. You came in here to play a very well-put together 1960s political operative and you’re wearing jeans and a hoodie.’

“I had to grow up a little bit. We are very much raised in Canada to never, ever show off, so it took me a while to recognise it’s OK to look good when you go out.”

Still, when you’ve grown up in front of the camera, “every pimple literally documented”, and lived (very successfully) to tell the tale, you can probably be forgiven for the odd fashion faux pas.

“I wore a silk Ascot to an event once in Paris and I still have nightmares about it,” he says. “I looked like Fred from Scooby Doo, but you live and learn.”

[jediken0bi]

At The End Of The Day

Spencer Reid x Reader

Summary:

Reid is scared his Job is eventually going to take away the thing he loves the most. You.

word count: 2023

-

Spencer sat on the counter in the kitchen, sipping on his sugary coffee and watching you move around the room. You decided you wanted homemade Waffles this morning and Spencer made the quick decision to not even attempt to lend a helping hand. He usually ends up burning half of the food anyway so you're not complaining.

And if you're being honest you liked being able to do something nice for him while he relaxes. It's not like that's something you get to see all that often.

You really only get to have Spencer to yourself on the Weekends and even then your time together isn't always guaranteed.

That's something you guys struggled with a lot. He even more so than you now that you think about it. He is so quick to beat himself up over not being able to spend more time with you and it breaks your heart.

Of course you would like to see your boyfriend more often but you know how much he loves his Job and you would never ask him to quit or hold his crazy schedule against him.

After all, it's not Spencers fault serial killers don't take the weekends off.

You throw little glances at Spencer every time you add a little bit of batter into the Waffle Maker and each time you find him already looking at you with loving eyes and a silly smile plastered on his face.

You can't help but giggle a bit before shaking your head lightly.

There are certainly days where you can't wrap your head around the fact that the genius with the pretty face feels the same affection towards you as you do.

Another minute goes by before he puts his coffee down, pushes himself off the counter and walks over to you to carefully wrap his arms around your waist.

"Someone is awfully cuddly this morning", you say with a huge smile on your face. You lean into his touch so he knows you don't actually mind the closeness.

He still has days where he can't tell whether or not you're making a lighthearted joke or are trying to reject his advances. It took him a long time to be able to initiate physical contact without you having to make the first move or ask for it.

That's not because he didn't love you though. He simply didn't know what to do in a relationship.

He was trying to figure out the do's and don't's and you were more than happy to help him learn and understand what it means to be truly loved by someone.

Nowadays he doesn't hesitate to seek comfort in your arms and there's nothing you can think of that makes you happier than that.

All you ever wanted was for Spencer to feel at home with you.

He put his head on your shoulder and smiled into the crease of your neck

"I can't help it. I haven't seen you in 8 days, 5 hours and 24 minutes and now that i'm here i don't wanna waste a single second of it"

You silently put the last Waffle on the plate you set out and turned your head so you could face him.

You try to catch his eyes and as soon as you do, you press a light peck onto his pink lips.

"I missed you so much", you say while he softly grabs your waist to turn you around positioning you so that you're facing him.

He presses gentle kisses to your forehead, your nose, your cheek and suddenly stops right before your lips.

"I missed you too, my love"

Before you can form an answer he plants a firm and loving kiss on your lips making you forget about breakfast for a second.

But only for a second.

You start smiling into the kiss and lightly push him away. The distance between you two only big enough to let you catch your breath before you laugh and say

"Let's go eat. We haven't had breakfast together in a bit and i wanna cuddle on the couch and watch some Doctor Who"

He laughs and nods his head so his short curls fall into his face.

You bite your lip to suppress a grin before tucking the lose strand of hair behind his ear.

He reaches behind you to grab the plate and makes his way towards the couch you two picked out just over a month ago.

You follow him immediately, feeling giddy that you get to cuddle your boyfriend for the first time in days.

He puts the plate down, plops down on the couch and immediately opens his arms to invite you to get comfortable in them.

While you snuggle into his chest he grabs the remote and starts queuing Doctor Who Episodes for you guys to watch and analyze together.

You wrap your arms around his torso and bury your head into his neck. You sigh happily and plant tiny kisses on his shoulder and neck.

He tightens one of his arms around you and starts playing with your hair

-time skip-

Almost three hours later, the waffles long gone, you get up to get some drinks for the two of you.

As the credits to the third episode start rolling you can't help but notice that Spencer had gotten unusually quite.

You sit down next to him, put a hand on his arm and ask with a calm voice

"Baby what's wrong? You got so quiet and it looks like something's bothering you. Did something happen at work? Did the case end bad? Whatever it is Spencer i want to be there for you"

He looks at you with wide eyes. Almost like a kid with his hand stuck in the cookie jar. He looks guilty and it's making you nervous. You know you can't push him but you would be lying if you said you weren't worried.

He looks down for a second unsure of his next move. He takes a deep breath and hesitantly turns around to look at you.

Your hand immediately finding its place on your boyfriends jaw. Running your thumb over his stubble in a calming matter.

He leans into your touch and closes his eyes for a second.

You knew that he would eventually start talking so you had no problem patiently waiting for him to summon the courage to say whatever was on his mind.

"I was talking to Morgan the other day and he said something that got me thinking. Actually, i think it's fair to say that thinking turned into overthinking really quick. Although i don't know anymore. At this point, it might be a completely valid fear and i'm just trying to convince myself it's not. Of course you could apply that logic the other way around as well but - I'm rambling, aren't it", he says in pretty much one breath.

You show him a understanding smile and say,

"Yeah but it's okay. I want to hear what's on your mind. No matter how confusing"

He looks up at me and smiles with sad eyes

"I know you do and that's why the thought of ever losing you drives me completely insane"

You stare at him for a moment not understanding why he would be thinking of losing you before taking his hand into yours and asking

"Spence, do you want to tell me what you and Morgan talked about?"

He sighs loudly and runs his thumb over the back of your hand.

Looking straight at you he decides 'Now or Never'.

"He just broke up with his girlfriend and we were all trying to be there for him. He seemed completely fine but you never know with Morgan so i went to talk to him about the break up and he just smiled at me and said 'It is what it is, Pretty Boy. Relationships are doomed to break in our line of profession. Enjoy it while it lasts' "

he tells you doing a weird impression of Derek.

Under different circumstances you would've laughed.

You look at Spencer with a small smile on your face. He looks so distressed, you can't help but run your hand through his curls and climb into his lap.

He doesn't waste a second wrapping his arms around you to secure your position and before he can question you, you say

"So that's what this is about? You thinking i might leave you because of your Job?"

He shakes his head slightly and looks up to meet your eyes

"No this is about you deserving a boyfriend who doesn't spend 90% of his time a couple of states away from you every week. It's about me not wanting to make you feel like you come second when there's nothing that's more important to me than you. I would quit my Job if you asked me to. There's plenty of Jobs out there but no one quite like you. I hate to think that you might come to resent me for being away so much"

You run your hand through his curls again and smile softly. It's your turn to shake your head.

"What i deserve is a boyfriend who loves me for who i am. Someone who cares about my feelings and thoughts. Someone who doesn't mind binge watching Doctor Who with me on the weekends because i like that way better than going out. Someone who reads my favorite book so we can have a conversation about it. Someone who shows me how much he cares every single day. And i already have all that. I don't need anything or anyone else. I promise."

Spencers eyes are shut tightly and he leans his forehead on yours. He presses a light kiss to your nose and wistfully admits

"I'm just so scared my Job is going to take you away one day"

You wrap your arms around his neck and whisper

"I know a thing or two about that. Baby, you do so much good in the World. I couldn't be more proud if i tried. Let me ask you something. You like your Job, right? Despite everything it asks of you?"

He nods softly and opens his eyes

"I love my Job. Helping people gives me a chance to make a real change. It's what i've always wanted to do."

You smile at him and hum in agreement

"That's right. And you love me too, right?", you ask cheekily

He looks at you like you hung the moon, grabs your hand to press a soft kiss against it and says

"Of course i do. More than anything"

You once again nod in agreement.

"Then you have to understand that the World isn't always 'This or That'. I would never ask you to quit your job for me. I wouldn't want that. I love you too much to take away the thing that fulfills you and makes you happy. Relationships take work, Spencer. I'm not saying it won't be rough sometimes but at the end of the day you're my Clark Kent to the BAU's Superman and i wouldn't change a thing"

He looks at you with loving eyes that are glazed over with unshed tears and whispers

"I'm going to marry you one day, i promise. I'm going to spend the rest of my life showing you that you're loved beyond compare"

He starts covering your face in kisses resulting in you laughing at his antics.

This wasn't the first time you two talked about marriage. You knew that he was the man you were going to walk down the aisle to. There wasn't a doubt in your mind.

You push him back down on the couch so you can lay down on his chest and say

"Now that we've established that you looove me, i think it's time for you to start the next episode. It's my favorite!"

You said it in a mocking voice but it genuinely did make your heart beat faster and he knew that.

"Damn straight i do", he says as he reaches for the remote.

Weekends with Spencer are simply the best.

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Extreme Aggressor: Part Two

Pairing: Eventual Spencer Reid x Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill, and angst

Summary: Jason Gideon is called back from a six-month leave from the Behavioral Analysis Unit to profile a killer. Meanwhile, the team flies across the country to Seattle when another young woman goes missing at the hands of "The Seattle Strangler," another serial killer.

Author’s Note: Here is it finally! After hard work, it is finally ready for your viewing pleasure! Please, feedback is always appreciated so let me know what you like about it and what you didn’t!

I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there is any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated.

So without further ado, please enjoy!

After arriving at the police headquarters, you followed Gideon and the rest of the team inside the building. It still felt awkward between you and the rest of the team which is why you stuck to Gideon’s side the whole time. He walked fast throughout the building, and you did your best to keep up.

“He never stands with his back to a window. When I was between him and a doorway, he asked me to move,” Derek gossiped about your friend.

“That's hypervigilance. It's not uncommon in post-traumatic stress disorder.”

“Just how much disorder are we talking about?”

“Morgan, it's been six months. Everything's okay,” Hotchner calmed him down.

“And he brings along a woman we don’t even know? How do we know we can trust her? I’m sorry, but she doesn’t mean anything to me yet,” Derek asked just as you passed them.

Looking at them over your shoulder, you caught Spencer’s eyes before moving on.

“Give her time. You gave me time,” he said, catching up to you. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be. He’s right. I’m a stranger to you guys.”

“Hopefully by the end of this, you won’t be,” he smiled, walking into the main room with you that was crowded with uniforms.

“This is special agent Gideon, special agent Morgan, our expert on obsessional crimes, special agent Reid—”

“Dr. Reid,” Gideon interrupted.

“Dr. Reid, our expert on well, everything, and the newest member of our team, Y/N Y/L/N. And after two years busting my ass in this office, I hope you all remember me,” Hotchner smiled with the laughter that ensured throughout the room.

“He's willing to travel with the body,” Gideon speaks, looking at the map.

“Then he drives a vehicle capable of concealing one,” Hotchner added.

“1 in 7.4 drivers in Seattle owns an SUV,” Spencer spat out.

“But how do we know it's his car? Ted Bundy drove a VW Bug. What about a Jeep Cherokee? Jeeps are more masculine,” Derek voiced his thoughts.

“We all know how an unsub feels about asserting his masculinity,” Gideon chuckled.

“When did the bureau become involved in the case?” Hotchner asked the lead police officer.

“After the fourth body. He dumped that one out of state.”

While everyone was conversing and talking, you walked up the board with the recent pictures of the latest kidnapped victim, Heather. She went missing about a day ago which means she has about 24 hours left until she is dead—and the clock is ticking. Her image and the photos of the abduction site certainly does something for you, but it’s not enough. Reaching up to touch the image of her, you closed your eyes to see if you can get anything from a picture.

A flash of an orange car here, her heart rate increasing while inside the car, but other than that, you got nothing. It would be better if you were touching some of her things since the human body leaves traces wherever they go, whatever they touch. Since she wasn’t murdered, there isn’t a dump site that would give you even more clues and answers.

“What are you doing?” Spencer asked when he saw you.

Opening your eyes, you lowered your hand before looking at him.

“I am trying to connect myself with her through a photograph. It’s not that common to get anything, but it does happen. I see an orange car and her fearful expressions, but that’s about it.”

“What do you need in order to get a clearer picture?”

“Her belongings. Every human leaves a spiritual trace wherever they go. It’s stronger with personal items.”

“Agent Gideon, where would you like to start?” one of the policemen asked.

“Let's start at the site of the last murder. Y/N, you coming?”

“I think I’ll get a better read on Heather and whether she’s alive or not if I’m with her things. I’ll go to her house.”

“Reid and I will go with you,” Hotchner announced.

Knowing you wouldn’t go alone, you bit your own tongue and followed the two men out the door. The fact that the Bureau provided government standard SUVs were pretty cool. It didn’t take long to go to Heather’s house, and when you arrived, you met her brother and the dog she owned.

“Sandy, no, no, no. I'm so sorry,” Heather’s brother, David, apologized when the big dog started barking and trying to playfully attack you three. However, when it came to you, the dog just stared at you silently.

“No, it's okay. It's what we call the Reid effect,” Hotchner stated, causing the young doctor to be confused. “I'm agent Hotchner. This is special agent Dr. Reid and Dr. Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Y/N is fine,” you quickly added.

“You two look too young to have gone to medical school,” the man observed.

“They're PhD's. 3 of them. She has two.”

“Spencer,” you whispered softly to get him to shut up about it.

It’s not like you don’t want people to know you have 2 PhDs, but you just didn’t want the attention. Plus, if your dad knew you went to school to be a profiler in the FBI, he’d have your head.

“Are you a genius or something?”

“I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187 and an eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words per minute,” he gushed. The man stared at him like he was crazy, so the young doctor just agreed. “Yes, I'm a genius.”

“Sandy, you get a lot of attention, don't you?” Hotchner asked the dog who just panted.

Instead of being with them, you took a look around the room to see if you can get a feel to the place. Heather’s spirit was here through certain items, but because there are more than one, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly where it’s coming from. The conversation went on about her dog until it got back on track.

“David, does your sister drive a Datsun Z?” Spencer asked when he picked up a magazine.

“No, but she's in the market for one. How'd you know?” he asked, and Spencer held it up. David just shook his head and took his dog outside since she was getting antsy.

“There's an immediate relationship established between a buyer and a seller, a certain level of trust. If I want to coax a young woman into my car, I’d offer her a test drive,” you said, causing the two men to stare at you.

Their bodies were emitting tension, and you knew they didn’t trust you at all. You needed to do something to prove to them that you were worthy enough to be on this team.

“Let me show you what I can do, okay?”

“Alright,” Hotch said.

Taking the magazine from Spencer’s hands, you closed your eyes in concentration. A multitude of pictures flashed through your mind due to the residue that Heather left behind, until those pictures turned into film. Heather was seated on the couch right behind Hotch and Spencer, flipping through the magazine happily. When she got to the page she wanted, she grabbed the red marker on the table next to her and circled the orange car a bunch of times. She then grabbed her money and began counting it to see if she had enough money to buy it.

“Heather is sitting on that couch, super excited to buy the orange car I keep seeing. She circles the one she wants with a red marker, and she starts to count her money,” you open your eyes, and began to flip through the magazine until you found the page you were looking for. “If I’m right, it’s this page she was on. She found someone with this exact car, and whoever took her did it because they got her to test drive it.”

The page you landed on was the same exact page with the red marker.

“Nice job,” Hotch complimented.

“That’s amazing,” Spencer muttered.

“Thank you. I just want to help, Agent Hotchner.”

“Please, call me Hotch.”

“Okay, then how about the fact that on one hand, we have paranoid psychosis, but the autopsy protocol says what?” Derek asked.

Back at the office, everyone was talking about the case and how the MO of this unsub didn’t make any sense. Derek was the one who was freaking out about everything since apparently not having a profile ready didn't bode well for him.

“Adhesive residue shows he put layer after layer of duct tape over his victims' eyes,” Spencer answered.

“He knows he wants to kill them, but he still covers their eyes. He doesn't want 'em looking at him, apparently. Okay, but then he takes the body and dumps it right out in the open, murder weapon nearby.”

“Not the MO of a paranoid convinced he's being watched or surveilled,” Spencer added.

Gideon stares at the drawing board while the rest talked about the case. Just by the look of his face, he was drowning out whatever they were saying. Even though you can get a read on his spiritual energy, that didn’t mean you could understand what he is thinking.

“Jason? What’s wrong?” you asked quietly, making sure only he could hear you.

However, he didn’t answer you directly.

“Alright, enough,” he interrupted the chatter in the room. “Let's tell them we're ready.”

“We're ready?” Derek gasped as Gideon left the room. The young genius started to write something down on his notepad, but the older agent wasn’t finished. “Reid, you're good with this? We've got a woman who's only got a few hours left to live, an incomplete profile, and a unit chief on the verge of a nervous breakdown.”

“They don't call them nervous breakdowns anymore,” you noted.

“It's called a major depressive episode.”

“I know, Reid,” Derek sighed.

Walking away from the board, you looked at Spencer quickly right before you left the room. Gideon gathered everyone in a conference room to deliver the profile and stood in the middle of the room with the tables blocking him in on three sides like a square. The rest of his team stood off to the side, and while Hotch, Spencer, and Derek were listening, you were watching the reactions of everyone in this room. If your abilities told you anything, it’s how untrustworthy even the most highly respected person could be.

“The unidentified subject is white and in his late 20's. He's someone you wouldn't notice at first. He's someone who'd blend into any crowd. The violent nature of the crime suggests a previous criminal record--petty crimes, maybe auto theft,” Gideon began. Running your eyes over every person in this room, you tapped into their energies to see what the normal eye couldn’t.

“We've classified him as an organized killer—psychopathic as opposed to psychotic. He follows the news, has good hygiene, and he's smart. 'Cause he's smart, the only physical evidence you'll find is what he wants you to find,” Gideon continued. The person right in front of you wanted to pay attention, but all of his focus was centered on his phone. He’s got some private issues at home that you rather not delve into right now.

“He's mobile, and his car in good condition. Our guess is a Jeep Cherokee with tinted windows. The murders have all involved rapes, but rape without penetration is a form of piquerism, and that tells us he's sexually inadequate.”

The person to your right is paying very close attention to what Gideon is saying, but she is focused on his lips and the way he talks which says that she’s attracted to him right now. That made you want to laugh because you knew for a fact that Gideon was seeing someone on the down low.

“What is it?” Spencer whispered when he saw the hint of your smile.

“That woman over there wants to bone Gideon,” you whispered back.

“How do you know?”

“I’m psychic, Spencer. I know more about a person than you think. Want me to do you?”

“No, thank you,” he whispered and got back to what Gideon was saying.

“Psychiatric evaluations will show a history of paranoia stemming from a childhood trauma—death of a parent or family member, and now he feels persecuted and watched. Murder gives him a sense of power. Organized killers have a fascination with law enforcement. They will inject themselves into the investigation. They will even come forward as witnesses to see just how much the police really know. That makes them feel powerful, in control. Which is why I also think in fact, I know you have already interviewed him,” Gideon finished, causing the entire room to feel shocked at the news.

wanna be tagged? add yourself to this document! if your tag doesn’t work, find out why!

@averyhotchner​