#I spent 1.5 hours studying on my own

[etdraconis]

( I have been studying for 7 hours and still feel like I know nothing for this exam lmao I’m so fuuuucked )

[lucysweatslove]

Had a wonderful weekend! My best friend drove down and we spent Saturday and Sunday morning together. I got two new squishmallows, we got Korean food, she dyed my hair for me, and we did two puzzles together (including a 1000pc Harley Quin that we barely finished in time before she had to leave). After she left I got my Covid shot and then went to a concert with Husband.

Today I had my 4th block exam, got another A, yay. I love when I do well while maintaining a good balance of home/friend life.

I know I ranted about this a little last week, but I don’t really like it when the lecturers or block leads tell us how well we did on the exam as a whole compared to other cohorts. We’ll hear that for raw scores, the school-wide the average was an 82% and that we were the highest average cohort at an 86%- and that always prompts celebration for being the best. I’ve already discussed why this irks me… but today it particularly irks me.

First I’m annoyed by this: my classmates seemed disappointed about the test and felt it was harder with weird or confusing wording, and the discussion of how well we did was offered as a consolation, like “yes, it was a hard test, but at least you did better than the rest of the school.” I’m a staunch believer that emotions deserve to be felt and understood even if based on cognitive distortions, and that we need to do the feeling and understanding before we can address the distortion. I won’t ever tell somebody they are wrong to be disappointed when they didn’t do as well s they are used to. But I feel like the issue here is that there is an expectation that our class average be around an A, and instead of addressing the issue of high performance expectations overall stemming from hyper competitiveness, the consolation is still “you did better than other classes” which makes it into a competition.

“It’s okay this test was hard, you still crushed the competition.” Except it’s not a competition, and 86% is still a firm pass in the coursework. Why not just say “this test was designed to be a little harder to show you more of where your own knowledge or understanding deficits are. We don’t expect an A average- it’s another learning opportunity. I am still so proud of how hard you have worked and the knowledge you have gained this week.”

Another reason this bothers me: 1.5 questions isn’t a lot, but when it’s framed as 82 vs 86%, it feels like a lot. Tests are usually made harder to increase discriminatory power for high-performers by removing discriminatory power for low-performers, often done by increasing the “order” of the question (think applying knowledge or synthesizing multiple knowledge points together vs simply regurgitating info). When you get to those kinds of tests, what does a difference in 1.5 questions correct on average really mean? It could mean our students are more well-rested or well-nourished, or that they studied an additional 2 hours, or we just so happened to have hammered in one niche knowledge point that showed up on the test, or that we all speak English as our first language, or that we have one less “low performer” and one more “high performer” than another cohort… etc etc.

It also irks me because I know that scores vary pretty wildly within a cohort. A person eking by with a 71% might feel really shitty after hearing about the test even though they may have done “poorly” because they were sick the prior week or got a migraine before the test and couldn’t move it. Or maybe they were feeling emotionally down and needed to prioritize their mental wellness. Or whatever it is. Everybody responds to pressure differently, but I honestly don’t know a single person who truly responds better to harsh criticism and guilt vs constructive criticism given with empathy, understanding, and encouragement. If we truly want to support the “below average” students- of which, many are by definition (this depends on type of average taken and std deviation and such)- then we need to understand that the competitiveness probably isn’t helping as much as another approach could.

[lindsaywesker]

Good morning! I hope you slept well and feel rested? Currently sitting at my desk, in my study, attired only in my blue towelling robe, enjoying my first cuppa of the day. Welcome to Too Much Information Tuesday.

Dog food is tested on humans.

Penis enlargement surgeries are free in Cuba.

2.7 million Americans work for either Walmart or Amazon.

Scientists have discovered a species of algae that tastes like bacon.

1.5 million trolleys are stolen from British supermarkets every year.

If your parents are happily married, your risk of divorce decreases by 14%.

Jack Nicholson once got detention at school every single day for a year.

Walt Disney used to pack his testicles in ice to improve his sperm count.

In 2010, a doctor in Blackpool spent £1,200 trying to win a cuddly toy at a hoopla stall.

The first pornographic film came out in 1895, just a few months after the first regular movie.

Nelson was about 5’ 4". His statue on top of the column in London is about 18ft. That's Horatio of about 3:1

During the 2012 Russian election (when Putin was elected for a third term), one region registered a voting turnout of 146%.

If your name begins with a letter that is towards the end of the alphabet, you are likely to struggle more when getting your first job.

Every year, a village in Montenegro hosts a ‘lying down’ championship. This year's champion spent about 60 hours lying down.

2022 saw the highest number of people ever diagnosed with gamophobia, which is the fear of commitment, relationships and marriage.

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have joined forces to make a penis enhancer. Early reports say they plan to name the product Elongates.

Research at MIT has shown that only half of perceived friendships are mutual. Only half the people you consider friends think of you as a friend and vice versa.

In 2008, a Japanese man found a homeless woman living in the top compartment of his closet after setting up a security camera because his food kept disappearing.

In ancient Greek mythology and folklore, the act of women exposing their genitals was believed to have the power to ward off evil spirits or demons. A practice known as ‘anasyrma’ or ‘ana-suromai’.

In 2019, an accountant in London who’d endured years of being bullied at work decided to ‘go out with a bang’ and stole £170k from his employer. He spent it ALL in one weekend on prostitutes and cocaine.

In the town of Whittier, Alaska, almost everyone lives in one building. 90% of the town's residents live in one 14-storey building that also houses a post office, shop, police station, health clinic and a bed & breakfast.

In 2010, UK retailer GameStation claimed to own 7,500 souls after putting a clause in their online terms that stated, "By placing an order via this website ... you agree to grant us a non-transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul."

In Indiana, a 25-year-old delivery driver, Nick Bostic, risked his own life to save five children trapped in a house fire, running into the burning building and safely escorting four children outside and then leaping from a window with the fifth. He made a full recovery.

In 2010, a Harvard student decided to give up on life and shot himself in the head leaving behind a suicide note, explaining in thorough detail why “life was meaningless”. The suicide note he left behind was 1905 pages long.

On April 28th, 2023, the ground really moved for one woman during the second movement of the LA Philharmonic’s performance of Tchaikovsky’s 5th Symphony, when she experienced a “loud and full body orgasm.” Several concertgoers described the woman’s climactic moment from the balcony at the packed Walt Disney Concert Hall. “Everyone kind of turned to see what was happening,” Molly Grant, who was sitting near the overjoyed woman, told the Los Angeles Times on Sunday. “I saw the girl after it had happened, and I assume that she … had an orgasm because she was heavily breathing,” she said. “It was quite beautiful,” Grant added. An audio clip purporting to capture the woman’s moment of ecstasy has gone viral. British composer Magnus Fiennes, brother of actor Ralph Fiennes, also was in attendance. “A woman in the audience had loud and full body orgasm during the 5th’s second movement. Band politely carried on,” he said on Twitter. However, some social media users expressed their doubts about the incident, with one who was present suggesting that the woman had a medical emergency. Fiennes insisted, “It absolutely happened. Was in close proximity and had no less than eight other friends attending. All reached a similar conclusion.” Classical pianist Sharon Su added in a tweet that she “checked with someone who works at the LA Phil and they confirmed” that the incident was real and that the orchestra did not stop playing during Tchaikovsky’s 5th. The LA Times reported that its sources and the audio clip corroborated the accounts that the orchestra did not miss a beat during the explosive moment. Music agent Lukas Burton told the LA Times that the woman’s loud moan was “wonderfully timed” to a “romantic swell” during the performance. “One can’t know exactly what happened, but it seemed very clear from the sound that it was an expression of pure physical joy,” Burton told the paper.

Okay, that’s enough information for one day. Have a tremendous and tumultuous Tuesday! I love you all.

[randomprojectsbeforeidie]

Studying as much as I can (2/21)

Study time: 10 minutes

Sleep: 14 hours (waaaay too much!)

Magnesium: yay for pumpkin seeds!

Exercise: nope (fuen fuen fuen)

Vitamins: yay!

Water: 3 full bottles (1.5 L)

Ok, as you can see, I didn't wake up on time, and slept waaaay too much. To be fair on myself, I think I made it way harder by accidentaly overdosing with melatonin the night before.

It wasn't (totally) my fault! I was trying to get the recommended one drop under my tongue, and the damn thing wouldn't bulge, so I got impatient, squeezed the bottle and... almost choked on how much melatonin came out at once.

So yeah. That might explain the 14 HOURS of sleep.

Anyways, when I woke up, I tried to work on the study tips I had written before.

So, at first, I went on the internet and bought an ergonomic foot rest. I tried to make home-made options before, but this didn't work, so I finally relented and just bought one. You know what, if it saves me some pain, it will have been money well-spent.

I also got the analog hobbies list I wrote yesterday and turned it into an analog map with post-its, which I then proceeded to glue right beside my PC screen, on my study space. Take a look:

Simple, right? But functional. That way, everytime I have a break, I also have these reminders to help me take a screen break too! And it worked! During my shorter intervals I did some horizontal pull-ups and jacknife squats (thank God for Hampton and his modified exercises) and during my longer breaks I went on a walk and cooked.

The walk was great, honestly. Maybe it makes me sound like an old lady, but it was the highlight of my day. I focused on making it a "mental health walk" and not a "physical health walk". To do this, I didn't change into exercise clothes, opting to go in my shorts and flip flops (had to put on some moisturiser and baby powder so I wouldn't chaffe my thick thighs - and it worked) and walked as slowly as I wanted, focusing on things around me.

I live in a dangerous city, so, unfortunately, I couldn't go walk on the streets (at least, not with my cellphone) but my building has a good leisure area, so I walked around it several times. I focused on the plants, people-watched my neighbors, and mindfully listened to music. It was nice! Here's a picture of some flowers I found particularly beautiful:

Desert roses!

Cooking was also fun. I didn't put on any music or podcasts, and focused on the sounds and smells of the kitchen. It was great fun, and by the end, I had made delicious dinners for me and my girlfriend.

I also did a list of some pros and cons of studying. Let me show you guys:

Cons of studying:

I lose leisure time

I lose time I could spend with my loved ones

It's stressing

It makes me tired

I spend way too much time sitting

My eyes get tired

I have to spend money on studying materials

Pros of studying:

It will help me get a good job

It will get me knowledge

It will grant me satisfaction

It will help me get a better salary

It will make my loves ones proud of me

It will help me develop discipline

It will make me a better employee

It will make people think I'm smart and intelectual

It will help me win arguments

It will make me more competent and give me confidence in my habilities

It will help me go well on tests

It will help me get a home with my girlfriend

It makes me calm and helps with my anxiety

It will help me get more time and money to spend on my hobbies

It will help me work with something important, like protecting the environment

It will give me a good life-story to tell, by suceeding through studies

It will help me spite my enemies (bear with me)

It will give me stability in my job (public servers can only be fired in very specific situations)

It will grant me independence

It will help me get a house of my own to decorate the way I want it

It will help me get money to give good gifts for those I love

It will help me get more time to spend on fitness

It will help me get more money to support artists through crowdfunding

It will grant me time and money to travel

I might get to know different regions of my country, depending on where I work

Cool right?

I also worked on making some maps with objectives I can reach. I got inspired on Tik Tok and made a flower based on the first part of my study, with 15 tasks I need to complete and a reward at the end:

Cool, right? (Ignore the McDonald's, I'm a basic bitch and it gives me childhood nostalgia while also being way too expensive where I live, so it's a good reward)

With all the work I had today, I only managed to study 10 minutes right before sleepy time, basically doing all my Anki flashcards. But you know what? It still counts!

The challenge is "studying as much as I can", and if all I had was 10 minutes and I used these 10 minutes as better as I could, I'm counting it as a success!

That's it! Bye for today!

[filoviet]

September 13 & 15, 2023

This day started with the pressure of an exam for 2 subjects. One of which for me was easy and another that was theoretical and a lot of memorization that was difficult.

I told him to message me if had any questions on the first subject [Database] that I particularly had an easy time in. I also told him for him to message me when he was getting to university - just so that I could say hi to him.

I had to go into school earlier to help a friend setup a laptop (For context, this friend has issues with her laptop on the same week of the exam - so of course, with 0 hesitation I told her that I could lend her my other laptop).

I was with a few other people when we realized that the exam questions were very very very similar to the sample questions. When we realized this, we tried answering them within the few minutes before 4PM; he arrived around 3:45PM and I told him to practice on my machine. He was kind of surprised but I was like, yeah, go for it, answer it on my laptop - no time for you to setup yours.

We got into the classroom and I just wanted to sit next to him; although I answered that exam in about 5 to 15 minutes. I wanted to stay for as long as it made sense plus the fact that I could sit next to him more.

After I finished the exam, I waited outside patiently for the others to finish. Most of the people were out by 4:30PM. We talked about how unrealistically easy that exam was - there was an arbitrary answer on an "uppercase" column name that we debated on whether it was scored or not (astroname vs AstroName).

I spent the next 1.5 hours with him and his other Vietnamese Friend (Tri) to study for the Enabling Enterprise Information Systems exam.

I hated it, a lot of memorization. I didn't absorb all of the information. I did my best though.

I answered the exam fast - 7 minutes, because I just wanted to be over with it [this is relevant later]

Throughout the class, I got stressed also because I hated the Design Thinking session, I hate things that are open-ended answers that require creativity. I was getting a headache from the hunger too because I forgot to eat in all the stress of multiple exams.

He gave me a protein bar just to pass the hunger. It was a raspberry and something else protein bar. I felt his concern when he saw me being stressed out and having a headache.

I took a deep breath and rushed the answers to the tutorial questions and put in my full focus.

After the class it was just the two of us as everyone else had other plans. We decided to walk together to the Central Train station. We walked together to the other building and we took his route to the train - it was the scenic route that involved going to Building 2, Building 1 and then the bridge to building 3. When we went down through Building 3, I saw that there were no people around and I hugged him - he said his iconic line "what are you doing?" and I told him, "recharging".

It was really cold outside when were going outside to George St - he then put in his hands inside his trench coat at the Goods Line. I thought to myself wouldn't it be nice to hold his hand again in this cold. When we were walking through, there were a lot of people going to UTS from George St., so I had to keep a "safe distance that is publicly acceptable" because I also had my own feelings about public displays of affection and about what is acceptable.

When we got to the Central Tunnel and I heard the music from the buskers - I felt a wave of romance come over me and decided to move from his right side to his left side then... put my hand in his pocket and interlace my fingers in his.

It was audacious and brave; and, he didn't tell me to stop. It was acceptable for the most part for him.

There was a tall mid-forties Aussie guy coming through who I didn't even look at - he then told me "that guy saw us and then smiled". I was mildly conscious too but I didn't care because... how often do I get to hold his hand?

In the Central tunnel filled with art & music, walking through while holding hands... was such a lovely experience.

When we entered the station, I had to let go of his hands because we needed to tap to enter the gates; there was also already a lot of people. When I arrived at his platform, we talked and he told me about how reckless I am that I am answering so quickly. I felt like he was scolding me.

Because of how great that experience was... I decided to do something audacious,I didn't want that feeling to end, so I rode with him on his train. I went with him and brought him to his stop. A 50-minute detour.

I dropped him off at Cabramatta then took a transfer train to Glenfield. Perhaps one of the longest train rides I have ever done. It didn't matter.

We talked about so many things; he told me about his work and his responsibilities. He felt awkward to talk about serious feelings-related things.

I decided to write him a letter then:

The date here is incorrect. I was supposed to write "Sept 14" because I was writing this after midnight.

When I asked him what his response was to this letter, all he said is that he is going to buy me milk tea.

Letter Rough Draft:

Dear

Thank you for being concerned of my well-being. I care about you a lot too sooo - I wanted to write this letter because I don't want you to feel bad when I do crazy things like that. For me, that's a new experience to travel to a rural area of Sydney. I won't deny that: being around you makes me happy. Talking to you about anything and everything. Just being next to you recharges me mentally and physically. I told you to focus on your priority list and I will adjust to it; this was one version of me adjusting to your schedule and priorities. I'm sorry for talking a lot in the train - you have to give me a code word to shut up when we are in public and you don't want other people to overhear. I get confused when you say "mixed feelings", I misunderstand it as something that is related to me and not related to the situation. I wasn't too worried because my voice isn't that loud - I promise that majority of my dialog can only be heard by people beside me because of how quietly I speak. But I have to admit, I kind of liked holding your hand while walking through the tunnel in Central and the hug you gave me before we went into the train. I am selfish and I do things that I like sometimes - such as riding on a train to spend more time with you because.. well, I'm not going to be able to spend more time with you this week. [hence this letter too] It was also my first time to Glenfield, so I honestly did have other reasons for doing what I did (the fun of going to new places).

The next time we do have one-on-one time, I have something to share that I don't want to share here; but the motivations behind my way of thinking is all because of a significant event in the past.

Thank you for the protein bar. Thank you for your time. Honestly, you don't have to keep talking to me for an entire train ride - sometimes it's okay to be silent around me. I look forward to the next time we go out again for Art, Music or Nature. So tell me when you're free!

P.S. You still owe me a drink, you said you'd buy me one last Wednesday!

[lifeanddreamsandhopes]

My first year in japan as a mext student

Hi, I’m rina, I’m a 4th year university student and I came here with me, so  this video is gonna be 1st year experience here in japan. So let’s start off with a brief introduction of the scholarship. So, Mext scholarship is a scholarship provided by japanese governement to various countries including where I’m from too. 

there are a few categories and the one I got is specialized training college, which I get to study for 3 years, 1st year in japanese school and the next 2 years in the specialized training college. I don`t know how to explain this category exactly what it is but I think it`s for those who wants to study a 4 year university course in just 2 years and you can start working right after that two years. so you know, less money in education and gaining money faster. that’s how they see it in japan. and the reason why I chose it, because it has the easiest exams out of all the categories that they have. and I have a plan of making a separate video for my time in specilaized training college so I`ll talk more in details there. 

so for the japanese language school for this category, you are either selected to study in osaka or tokyo. there are only two choices and the year that I passed, there were 4 other people that were in the same category with me, but all of them somehow got selected to study in osaka, and it was only me by myself who is selected to study in tokyo. 

before coming here, the plane ticket was bought for us in advanced and we normally come to japan on april 1st, 2nd or 3rd, my ticket was on the 2nd. so I left my home country’s airport and arrived here at narita airport around 11am. and I came here on the same plane with the other categories’s students. so it was only me from specialized training here in tokyo and the others are from college and reseach. So at first I thought there are going to be people from the government or some sort waiting for me, to take me from the airport to the dormitory, but there were two of them, just waiting there, but they didn’t really do much, they saw me and just handed me a bus ticket, and back then I had no idea what to do so I just went to the bus and just rode it. I didn’t really care, I didn’t really know where I was sent to. and then I was dropped off in shinjuku station which back then, I didn’t even know of and I was so confused like why did they do that? I had no wifi, I didn’t know any japanese, I didn’t know what to do, people there seem also to ignore me. I had to wait for 3 hours until someone actually handed me their phone to call the school and someone came to take us to the dormitory, it was a bit traumatising so for those of you coming here without any jaoanese, I recommend you get in touch with someone here and ask them to guide you on your first day, at least. 

at around 2pm, I finally got to the dormitory, it was small, like way smaller than my room back home, I couldn’t even open my luggage in there like it was that small . the room size, from what I remember is 1.5 meter by 3 meter. I barely could stretch my arm, we have a bed, a small desk and shelves above our bed, compare to what i had back home, it was like a rat hole. and also we have a roommate, it’s like the 2 of the same room, connected by a small kitchen and a bath unit. so in japan, when you say bath unit, it’s like this. (insert photo). it was very tiny. 

but as in the contract that we signed, we had stay at the provided dorm and we can not really move anywhere else until we graduate from japanese language school. tbecause we live in the city, we get allowances 120 000 yen a month, but we spent on rent 55000 yen, wifi, we have to do our own contracts, 3600 yen a month, electricty, gas and water bill combined: 6000 yen a month, 2000 yen on telephone, 7000 yen on transportation from dorm to school. on my rough calculation: I had around 45000 yen a month for food and other expenses. you can changed that to your own country’s currency. it seemed a lot to me back then but everything here in tokyo is also very expensive,  I barely saved any money.

in the first week there was nothing much to do, besides going out to buy things for our daily lives like kitchen utensils, and hygiene products and just all the daily stuff which is not provided. also we went to register our names at the city hall and make a bank account with the national bank so the government can transfer our allowance to us. 

also about dorm life, we were living with two dorm caretakers, an old japanese couple, let’s just say I didn’t really get along well with them. they were very strict, they separated men’s floors and women’s floors, idk why they did that as I see that it was very unnecessary. And because of the hardship of living there, we kinda started bonding with each other, we always had parties in my room, just drinking and talking and it’s been about 4 years now, our friendship are still strong. 

and moving on to my first year here: so at first, we had to take exams to see what level we should be put in in japanese class. I was put into high beginner class because I could know how to read some hiragana and katakana. our class was from 9 am to 3pm with an hour in between for lunch break. and my classmates were a mix of students from different countries, but half of them are chinese, taiwanese, and koreans. the lessons’ styles there and pacing for me personally, was so much fun, because from what I heard from students who are in osaka, they have to study math too, but we didn’t have to so that was a relief.  the school was a part of a bigger university, the best ranking fashion school in japan, I got to see a lot of people expressing themselves differently and it was really refreshing.

and we started school in april so in december, we were required to take JLPT exam and I think my japanese back then improved from N5 to N3, but the first JLPT exam that I took was N2 and I failed. which I tried again the next year and I passed, so you know, never give up.

so even before coming to japan, your specilized training school is already decided for you, but still, you have to take the entrance exam, and luckily the school that I was going to was understanding towards me, they just let me do a short interview and I passed and a few of my friends actually failed their first entrance exam and they had to do it one more time, but all of them passed so there are no worries about that. the teachers there actually helped me a lot with how to write documents and also practicing interview. as we know in japan, some of the schools are hard to get in. 

and also the fun part in that first year, our language school also prepared a few trip for us, one was to go to disneyland, which they provided full paid ticket, which was around 8000 yen and another one, was a 3-day trip to Nagano prefecture, a mountain side resort with really amazing view. going to Disneyland was amazing because it was my first time, I’ve always wanted to go there and I enjoyed it so much that I got to see all the Disney princesses, plus being there with my classmates was just perfect. 

at the end of our year there, which was february, we had to move out from the dorm and find our own apartments or the next place to stay, and it was crazy expensive. in the course of 12 months being here, I had to save up for that, which was 200 000 yen, I mean there are some of my friends who could find cheaper places but my area was pretty expensive so yeah, during my first year here, I had to do a lot of part time job too to save up for that. 

so to conclude my first year in japan, even though there were so many things that I was not used to, and the struggles of living in that terrible dormitory, I still had a lot of fun at school and made such amazing friends.  I can say that that was the most fun I had here in japan. I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything and for those of you who are planning to come here, you will experience different thing from me but I’m sure you willalso  enjoy it. and I’m going to say bye now and see you in the next video. 

[hello-everyfandom]

"The day I hurt you is the day I no longer want to exist."

Warnings: Mentions of heartbreak and hurting

Pairing: George Weasley x Reader

Words: 1.5

Summary: You’ve felt the hurt of heart break and George would do anything to make you smile.

(Missed you guys!)

The first heart break you’ve ever had, you swore that death would come, striking, upon your shoulders. The feeling was everlasting, an emotion you’ve never experienced. A cocktail of painstaking sadness, fueled anger and undeniable hurt decided to place itself in your chest. But, just as every heart break, you mended. It took time for the pieces of your old self to shed into a newly made, stronger person. You had begun to get used to this new self and focused yourself on the comfort of your friends and the distraction of the laughs you shared. 

Approximately eight months since your first break up, you were approached by a boy. George Wealsey, to be specific. You enjoyed his presence. He was renowned for his witty jokes and tended to pull the funniest, sly comments during class where he knew you would laugh. And there he was. After class, hands tucked in the pockets of his robe and asking if you’d like to accompany him to Hogsmeade that following week. George was known by his entire family for being the “emotional” twin. It was true. Fred was cool and collected and tended to think more with his brain rather than his heart. George differed. He knew the emotions of a break up from seeing his sister, Ginny, go through the same hurt. He consoled her in the private corridors, holding her hand when she needed to break her strong exterior for a minute. 

The first time he saw you, he saw your hunched shoulders. Your eyes were swollen and dry with the tears you had slept through. Your breath was shaky and he noticed that you did not wear the smile you used to. From then on, George made it his mission, you could say, to search for that smile. And so he did. He searched everyday for your smile. And when you finally did smile, it was not like how you used to. No. It was different. It was better, better than anything he could have ever dreamed of. He noticed the crinkle by your eyes and the way your cheeks flushed as you became suddenly hot when you had a good laugh. Oh, from that instant, George Weasley knew he was screwed. 

“I don’t know,”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Hermione peeked up from her book, her eyebrows raised.

“I mean. I suppose,” you sighed, “I’m a little wary for tonight.”

“Go on,” she motioned with her hand, placing her book down in front of her.

“It’s just... it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m nervous, that’s all.”

“Of what?”You sat up from lying on your dorm bed to look at her, 

“I’m scared.”

Hermione slowly nodded, “It’s a first date, I’m sure everyone is at least a little bit scared on their first date.”

“No,” you shook your head, “It’s not that type of scared. I feel that nervousness, the excitement but I feel the terror as well.”   

Hermione pursed her lips and arose to sit on your bed. “I know that last time-”

“Last time it was a nightmare.”

“Yes.”

“And the idea of... the idea of... the idea of being hurt like that again? ‘Mione you saw first hand how awful it was for me last time.”

“I know.”

“So what if I’m left hurting?” you paused and swallowed, “What if it happens again?”

Hermione peered at you, her best friend, and as seriously as she could replied, “What if it doesn’t?”

And so you went. Hermione helped you pick your outfit and sent you a wink before closing the door. It was a date unlike any other. The nervousness you had felt before, sitting in the dorm, faded the minute George made you smile. He spent the entire date being both respectful whilst making the funniest, crude jokes you had ever heard. At one point, you were nearly doubled over, begging him to stop making jokes as your stomach hurt. At the end, as he began to bid you goodbye, he asked you if you’d be interested in another date. Surprising yourself, you blushed and agreed. Each date the two of you had after was nothing short of perfection. Oh, had he filled you full of affection and caring words. He held your hand as if it were a gentle pillow and stroked your hand with the pad of his thumb. He sat with you while he studied, and though he complained that he was “dying of boredom” he still sat and even read to you when your eyes grew tired. The only thing you two hadn’t done was kiss. As much as George wanted to kiss your lips and your cheeks and everywhere he could, he knew, somehow, that you weren’t ready. You were so thankful for that, for him. 

It was late. In the astronomy tower, George had pulled a reluctant and hesitant you to the Astronomy tower after hours. You agreed but only with the condition that you would bring your Transfiguration book in order to study for your upcoming exam. The stars highlighted the words of your textbook, George’s red hair tickled your thighs as he laid his head in your lap. He listened to your steady breathing and the sound of the pages turning and studied the curves of your face and the way you looked when you caught him staring. As you began to finish the chapter you needed to read, George huffed a breath of air and stood up abruptly. 

“‘right then, get up.” he said.

You looked at him startled, “What?”

“I said to get up,” he stretched his hand out to you and motioned for you to take it.

“I’m almost done with the-”

“Darling, please,” he grinned, “come and take my hand.” 

You stood, hand in hand, as he guided you to the open window of the tower. He stood next to you, placing his hand, gingerly, on your hip. “Look at the stars with me,”

“You romantic fool,” you teased, “you’ve pulled me away from my oh so interesting book to look at the plain stars?”

“Plain?” he scoffed jokingly, “I beg to differ. The stars are beautiful.” He gazed at the blinking lights and then turned to you, “Just as beautiful as you.”

You were not used to the compliments or the words of affection that George had given you, you hadn’t experienced it before and he loved the way you feverishly blushed. The redness of your shy reaction reached from your cheeks to the curve of your neck and he swore he’d give up the world to see your blush everyday.

“Is that so?” you asked, looking away from him and to the sky, “They are quite magnificent,”

“Not as magnificent or as breath-taking as you.” he answered honestly.

Your hands began to sweat and your heart could be closely compared to the speeding beat of a drum. His hand pulled your hips gently and you let yourself fall into him. You rested your hands on his chest, your palm against the thump of his own heart. It was, just as yours, beating. Beating. A melody the two of you made was enough to raise a symphony full of beautiful string instruments and the vibrations of a symbol. 

His hand raised to cup your cheek but immediately stopped a breath away when he saw you flinch. His eyes immediately moved from the plumpness of your lips to your eyes.

“Please let me,” he whispered. Your fingers clutched onto his shirt, rolling the feeling of the fabric between them. You looked back up from where you hand rested on his chest and nodded. He placed his hand softly on the skin of your cheek. He was smitten. 

“I would,” he exhaled shakily, “Never hurt you.”

You couldn’t breath. For a moment, you could only focus on his words through the echoes of your ears. 

“I’m scared,” your voice quiet. 

George Weasley clenched his jaw, a hurt in his own chest at the mere thought of you being scared of the relationship between you two, being scared of him. The pad of his stroking thumb sent shivers of comfort down your spine. You had, never in your young life, felt as connected with someone as you had with George.

“The day I hurt you,” his voice low and serious, “is the day I no longer want to exist.”

Your eyes began to tear, overwhelmed with the love George outpoured in those simple words. And, with as much courage as you could muster, you peaked up on the ends of your toes and placed a kiss on his lips. The joy you felt feeling George’s smile against yours was indescribable. His hand on your cheek and the hand on your hip pulled you closer. It was slow. George could feel himself implode with happiness.

As you pulled away, your eyes remained closed, basking and memorizing the softness of his lips. George lovingly watched your smile and your blush and swore up and down that you would never be hurt again.

[meimae]

Language Learning Through Immersion: One Year Japanese Update

11/03/2021

I did it, you guys! I’ve successfully reached my very first year of Japanese language immersion! I honestly thought that I would have given up by now, but this really has been a fun and ultimately rewarding endeavor.

Studying the language has been at the back of my mind for years since elementary school, I just never really knew how to go about it before, and I always thought that I could learn it in a classroom setting someday. That someday for me was in two elective courses in university, and while those were fun as well, it did not give me the same gains that I have achieved in this past year.

It’s probably easier to quantify learning a language in a classroom setting, especially when going through a program to earn a language degree. Learning through immersion, however, I had to really consider what my goals should be on my own. Eventually, I stumbled upon an article saying that for an English speaker, Japanese was exceptionally difficult to learn and that at least 2,200 hours must be spent with the language to reach a certain level of proficiency. So I said to myself, “well okay internet, if you say so!”, and set that as my long term goal going forward.

Spoiler Alert: I did not hit that goal in my first year. I am not crazy and will never listen to Japanese in my sleep regardless of what Khatzumoto (the creator of All Japanese All the Time) says. 

I did, however, hit a total 1,226.65 active immersion hours in my first year, so I guess I’m still a bit nuts. That is 874.96 hours of active listening and 351.69 reading hours. I also did 270.59 hours of passive listening, also known as the time in the very beginning of my immersion where I was using Japanese subtitles (therefore not really concentrating on listening alone). That’s a cumulative 1,497.24 hours spent with Japanese. That’s more than halfway towards my goal! 

To further break that down for curious animanga fans out there, that’s 973 episodes from 109 anime, 765 episodes from 33 dramas, 7 movies, and 967 chapters from 107 volumes of manga (21 series). Here’s my anilist and mydramalist to see what I’ve read/watched.

During all this, I was also doing my daily Anki reps and now I have a 530 day SRS streak (includes the time prior starting immersion and only doing RTK and some vocabulary cards) and a total 8,857 sentence cards. I’ve been averaging 406 cards daily (because I’m trying to cure my leeches) and I spend about an hour per day doing reps and learning new cards. I don’t really track my time on Anki, but I do have a set timer that goes off after 1-1:30 hours.

What I haven’t touched upon at all is output. I have not gone out of my way to find a tutor or a language partner. There’s still plenty of input out there to immerse in before I even consider outputting.

Graphs, stats, and more thoughts:

Here's my current card count in my main deck (minus the cards in my new/learning queue and leeches I've been relearning which are in separate decks):

That one day in 2019 where I did not do my cards because I was seriously doubting whether I can actually stick with language learning this time around will forever haunt and inspire me to keep going everyday.

Workflow and Tips

You might be wondering, how do I have a lot of time? I started this whole endeavor in the middle of a pandemic, which eliminated the option of me going to a language school, and a slew of other things I were considering doing last year became impossible (and if anything, very scary to do in a pandemic). All I can say is that, things work out eventually if it is His will, and if I can learn a skill before everything properly settles back down again, then why not? 

I wake up at 5 in the morning everyday to either do my Anki reps or read until the time when I need to get up and I listen to compressed audio throughout the day. The biggest tip is to switch the time you spend watching/reading in your native language to your target language instead. Listen to a podcast during your commute, watch an episode during lunch break, read before going to bed, do your Anki reps in the bathroom if you have to. 

But, if you’re feeling burnt out, there is no reason for you to not take a break! I have been watching a lot of Among Us streams before bed, and I chat with my friends from time to time. Language learning is not a race.

More Stats

Here are a couple of grids of the kanji characters that I have encountered at least once in my immersion and how well I have answered them in my vocabulary/sentence cards.

It's interesting that after almost 9000 words, I have yet to encounter every single character from the Remembering the Kanji 1 (RTK 1) book by James Heisig, which teaches you the most common use characters that are part of the 常用漢字. Which brings me to the question, was writing down every single character being taught in RTK worth it every time it came up in my reviews for the first 3-ish months I was reviewing them? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly removed my anxiety whenever looking at blocks of text in Japanese, but the longer I think about it, the more I feel I should have switched to Recognition RTK earlier. Still, being able to write in proper stroke order is cool I guess, and it also helps me when looking things up in the dictionary.

Here’s the same grid but in JLPT order:

I clearly need to grind those N2 and N1 level cards! Speaking of which, I have apparently almost covered every single character that could possibly appear in the JLPT (except for the N1 which I have only covered half of) in just a year's time. If the JLPT word frequency lists I’m using are accurate, I have about 2,000 words more to go to to cover most vocabulary that could appear in the test. This makes the "10,000 sentences/words to fluency" argument a reasonable milestone to aim for for Japanese learners if said aim is only to pass the test. That said, 10,000 words is just that, a milestone. It's more akin to a comfortable level of comprehension, but not my own concept of fluency which is being able to read with ease, speak articulately, and write comfortably.

READING IMMERSION GRAPHS

My biggest motivation for tracking my stats is for the purpose of seeing whether my reading speed is improving over time. Reading speed is also easier to measure than listening comprehension which is kind of subjective, so I had a lot of fun making these. What I found is that for the first volume or chapter of whatever it is I’m reading, I always take the time to get used to the writing style of the author. My speed really improves whenever I keep reading the same topic over and over again. On the other hand and quite obviously, looking up many new words in a row and trying to parse sentences slows me down.

Manga: Reading Speed Progression per Volume

I clearly love ちはやふる and I am not ashamed to admit it.

I need to start reading longer manga. When I do, I’ll probably split this graph into less than and greater than 20 volumes. Imagine if I start reading something ridiculously long as 名探偵コナン or ワンピース, these graphs will start breaching the bounds of time and space.

Novels: Time Spent Reading per Chapter

#neverforget the time I read chapter six of Norwegian Wood for 9 hours when it took me less than half that time in English RIP. Also, my interest in Kitchen plummeted LOL. Still planning to finish it don’t worry. 

I also need to start branching away from manga and start reading more novels and light novels, too just so I can make more pretty graphs.

Visual Novels: Time Spent Reading and Daily Word Count

Also known as images that clearly show that I’ve already spent several days only reading the prologue of Island. I’m not sweating. 切那 needs to stop using words I don’t know in succession. More thoughts on this VN far into the future.

Thoughts on Immersion

I can’t really say anything else other that that it works for me, and needless to say if you’re considering this method, remember that the SRS is your friend but immersion should be your one true love.

Prior to all this, I couldn’t even read a sample paragraph from Genki without being confused to my very soul. Yes, I know, it’s embarrassing, but that’s the truth. I was way more scared of failing my Japanese classes than my actual thesis for my bachelors degree, I kid you not. I would quite literally spend all my free time in university trying to understand grammar, memorize vocabulary, and answer my workbook exercises with little to no success. 

I tried so hard to get all the grammar “formulas” into my head for 1.5 years and it only brought me more confusion. I’m never going back to traditional classroom study for language learning, but I will still refer to grammar books when I need to, and not because I feel like I need to answer 4783342 different workbook exercises like my life depended on it.

I still can’t believe it, but with immersion this statement is actually true to a point, don’t try shadowing anime/or calling your boss anime language slurs, use your common sense:

study anime to understand Japanese > study Japanese to understand anime 

Future Goals/Plans

2,200 immersion hours was my initial goal, but honestly I feel like that number could be much higher. There’s still a lot of stuff I don’t understand (news, politics, sciences, etc.), so I’ll make attempts to cover more of those things in my immersion. 

I’ll continue reading more, because that’s a natural SRS in itself. Try to read longer manga, more novels, visual novels, and light novels, and maybe news articles. 

I’ll try to mine as much “JLPT vocab” as I can before making any attempts at taking the JLPT. I noticed that a lot of the words I know don’t appear in the JLPT word lists as much, even though they appear a lot in media/daily conversation. 

Continue mining all words I don’t know because all words are useful anyway. There is no such thing as useless words. I never really understood mining only “interesting words” or words that “pop up” in your immersion. As I said in my previous blog post, 美人局 is an interesting word and I certainly caught it being said in my immersion, but in the three languages I know, I wouldn’t know when I would be able to use such a word, as compared to something like ジャガイモ which is a significantly less interesting word, but is certainly useful to know. 

_

I have managed to talk up a storm, but if you have any questions regarding my process or recommendations for new immersion material, please feel free to send an ask/reply to this post. I love hearing about other people’s language learning/immersion journeys. 

See you on my next post!

[lilyharvord]

do u ever think that mare and cal had trouble conceiving? I love the head cannon where they try for awhile but then are convinced that being red and silver it won't work (both obviously very upset but hiding their disappointment to each other) and then finally mare gets pregnant when they've given up. Would u ever write a fic about it?

Okay, so yes, 100% yes. They have trouble. Scientifically, it is entirely possible that they would STRUGGLE with a capitol S to conceive. Here’s my headcanon that will 100% be a fic someday: 

How it starts: Mare is the one to make the decision. It’s the dead of night, closer to 1 in the morningish. She and Cal are not married yet, they are waiting for thing to sort of calm down a bit more before that. But Bree’s wife just had a baby. Julian and Sara had a baby like a year ago. Ruth Barrow is low key side eyeing Mare and keeps dropping little hints that babies come in batches. 

She rolls over and watches Cal for a little bit thinking it over, stressing over whether the decision is really hers of if she is letting outside things influence her. But then she thinks about Clara and how much she loves that munchkin (lets be real, Mare should have spent WAY more time around that baby during Broken Throne? I’m actually incredibly bitter that she didn’t. That is her favorite brother’s daughter.) And she thinks about how much she keeps putting off things in her life because she’s afraid of the future, afraid of what people might do and things that are out of her control. Then she grabs Cal’s arm, scaring the shit out of him, and just says: “I want a baby.” Plain and simple, no real pretext or anything. He’s obviously half asleep so he’s like: uh, okay that’s nice. Then she gives him The Mare Look™️ and he’s like: Oh. Oh you want one like now... like right now? And that’s the first night they try. 

The middle: It does not go well. 6 months later, nothing. 8 months later, nothing. Mare is slowly starting to stress and they haven’t told ANYONE that they’re trying. 1 year later, still nothing. Mare actually starts doing the calendars at this point (for all the younguns in this fandom, ovulation calendars). Like they are on a schedule trying to get pregnant. It’s exhausting, they actually start fighting about it. It’s not going that well. 

The middle still: 1.5 years after that first night, Bree and his wife announce baby number 2. Mare is actually a bitter, jealous gremlin the whole pregnancy. She literally goes into panic mode too, trying desperately to get pregnant. (like she’s on a mission. She’s drinking teas and do all the weird shit she can get her hands on in books) 

Then it happens. 

She comes back from the front lines and actually cries holding the test because she really truly thought it would never happen. 

The middle continued: Spoiler alert...it doesn’t go well. 1 week later, she loses it. It’s no ones fault, but Mare blames herself. Blames the fact that she traveled to the Lakeland front line and came back not knowing she was 2 months pregnant and is convinced she miscarried because she was fighting. She tries to start up the whole process again, and is like “double time efforts, this is going to work. I will make it work because I’m low key a failure if I can’t do this.” (She obviously does not mention the last part, because well... she’s mare) and Cal is just not about the process anymore. He was all for it when he though they were doing it because she wanted a baby, and wanted to start a family with him, but now it’s looking like an obsession and it kinda scares him. They have a massive fight about it, so bad that he goes back to the States for a few weeks and everyone thinks they’re done for the last time (cause remember, they’re not married at this point). When people ask what happened, Mare won’t tell them. When people ask, Cal he won’t tell them. They actually dont talk to each other for a full month. It’s looking really bad. People are very concerned about both of them. 

Spoiler alert again: Cal comes back (cause he always does). They have another long talk, and Cal finally gets her to tell him what she’s feeling. Obviously he feels horrible that he left without getting this out of her, but then again, Mare would not have told him at that point because she was just not ready to tell him. But after their month apart she is ready to sort her feelings and ideas with him. *Insert low key tearful hug where they’re holding each other super tight*. 

The end of the middle: Mare goes to Sara and finally talks to her about it. Sara talks to Julian who talks to his buddies studying the whole Silver, Ardent, Red phenomena. They finally find someone who has been studying this stuff. He feels horrible telling them that because of genetics, how their different mutations operate, etc. they may never be able to conceive, but there is of course always a small chance they might. But it would have to be the perfect combination of their genetics and that may never happen. 

Mare is obviously pretty upset. She’s quiet for a couple days, just sort of sorting through things. She finally tells her family, tells them that it will most likely never happen, and that they don’t want to talk about it. Everyone is probably more supportive than necessary, but it’s Mare’s family, they’re low key too supportive for their own good. 

The End: Things go “back to normal”. Mare and Cal get married finally. And the whole time the two of them are looking into adopting. It’s obviously not an easy process either, and people aren’t too keen to let them adopt because they’re both running around the front lines at different times and thats just... not the best thing ever. Anyway, they start fucking around again (literally and figuratively). No expectations, nothing, just doing it for the fun of it. 

Spoiler alert: it ends up being okay. (: Mare doesn't find out until 4 months in, but as soon as she does, low key gets a little PTSD and walks on egg shells for a few weeks, waiting for it to all fall apart. She doesn’t tell Cal, she doesn’t tell anyone. It’s Farley that figures it out. (; And when Mare tells Cal you can bet he just wraps his arms around her, picks her up and spins her around (i cannot resist this concept, he’s so much taller than her and the image of him wrapping his arms around her legs and lifting her up while she laughs is just too wonderful). Then they walk on eggs shells for another month, but at that point Mare pops and there is just no hiding the fact, and they’re so nervous and then before they know it, she's in labor and baby Barrow Calore #1 is born. Mare refuses to let go of her for almost two hours when she gets to hold her, but when she does it’s to let Cal hold her, and he actually gets really emotional holding her. And they’re just so happy, and it’s so heart warming, and anyway I’m done. 

So that was long as shit and I practically told everyone the whole fic, but that’s my headcanon in a very large nutshell. XD 

[aal-archaeology]

Summary of my first term of my Ph.D. at Stanford during a global pandemic and an extremely controversial election year (Anthropology, yr. 1, she/they, 25y/o) with some toggl data analysis

Well this year was a doozy if I don’t say so myself. But we survived it, and its okay if that’s all you were able to do this year because that’s enough.  As an offical 18th grader, I feel like I can speak pretty well to the toxicity of the academic environment. There is always a pressure to be working all of the time, people compete with each other with how few hours of sleep they got, every conversation with fellow students is just listing off all of the different assignemnts you have to do by the end of the week. On top of all of this, this is 2020. So, I decided that this year I’m going to give myself some mental slack. 

I decided that this is the year that I’m not going to try to impress anyone. I’m just going to survive and do what I have to do to move onto the next term. I think I did a pretty good job at that for the first term, so I’ll share a bit about what I observed in myself and those in my cohort. Coming into term one having to choose classes, many of my peers were packing their schedules full of 5 Unit seminars. For those who don’t know, theoretically, a 5 Unit course is supposed to take about 5-6 hours of work outside of class hours. For Stanford Anthropology, most PhD students take as close as they can to 18 credits, and anything over that you have to pay extra for the courses. Taking more courses doesn’t really put you any further ahead in terms of completing your degree, and you’re expected to complete about 45 Units each year for the first two years of the program. 

I decided to take 2 seminars (typical), a language course, and a couple filler credits that we are given the option to use if we need 1-3 units to hit 18 total. I,  fortunately, tracked every hour spent outside of the classroom working on each course using toggl (i highly reccomend): 

In a typical week, I spent about 5-6 hours/week outside of class on my Anthro seminars, and about 6-7 hours on Japanese. Japanese was a “for-fun” class so I would usually study more of that when I didn’t feel like reading dense archaeological theory. 

Toggl was a really cool way to see where I was spending too much, or not enough, time on my classwork. If it was taking me more than 1.5 hours to get through a single article, I knew I was probably spending too much time on it and should move on to the next thing. My goal for the term was to stay true to the 5 Unit idea of 5-6 hours, and not over-work myself. 

Toggl was also useful in tracking my mental health throughout the term, as it is very obvious to see when I just was not physically capable of ingesting 400 pages of reading. For example, election week:

Election week was really hard for me, and everyone else in the world honestly. I had various family things I was dealing with, typical existential dread, plus it was week 8-ish of the term when everything was already on fire in terms of workload. For one of my seminars (purple), we had to read a book for the following week which I was able to do the sundar after election day. However, for the days leading up to and surrounding the 4th, the only thing I could mentally handle was mindless Japanese vocab studying. One of my seminars really sufferend this week, and I straight up just didnt show up to the smaller Anth 310G class because I had only read the title of the pdf. Fortunately, I emailed my professor of my Theory class and was like “yo dude I cannot” and he replied that he understood and wouldnt call on me during that day of class. 

I didn’t do a whole lot of journalling at all this term, but for this week I just wrote “pain” on most days and then YAY BIDEN at the end of it. 

Weekly Schedule

Above is what a typical week looked like, some were a lot lot lot more dense, others not so much, but this was pretty average. Not all things on the calendar are work related, some are extra lectures from visiting professors that sounded interesting, or “Free Boba & Snacks Pick Up” put on by my residence. Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday were my big work days last term, where I didn’t have a whole lot of classes so I would do most of my reading then. On Tues and Thurs I had one 3-hour seminar, and M-F I had a 50 min Japanese class. 

I woke up every day around 7am-ish, made a green tea, and sat at the computer to work, filter through emails, etc. On particularily open days I would go grocery shopping, go for bike rides/walks around campus, go buy food/boba. 

On class-heavy days, I wouldn’t leave my computer for 8-12 hours, which is extremely ridiculous but that’s the new norm in school in 2020. This kind of stunk because all of the socializing was also on the computer, so even if I wasn’t working I was doing screen related things. 

EVERY day I stopped working at 6pm. Rarely did I do readings past 6pm unless I was really slacking somewhere. From 6pm onwards I would do things like play Among Us or League of Legends with my discord friends, eat, watch movies with my partner, etc. And then most nights I would try to be in bed by 12am at the latest. 

Social Life

Despite the online nature of things this term, I was suprisingly able to meet a lot of great people on campus. We were all being tested at least once a week, which made in person gatherings with 1-4 people a little less scary, especially when half of the people lived together in one household. 

In the first week of school, some of the grad programs put on a “speed friending” zoom event, where I was able to connect with two people really well. We ended up doing a “slow-friending” zoom event afterwards and then created a FB group chat and added all of the people we had met into it. The group ended up being about 15 people, and we would message the group for park hangouts, going to get food, or going on walks on campus. We also had a huge get together in a park for Mid-Autumn Festival, where we sat in a socially distanced circle, chatted, and ate mooncakes. 

Most of my socializing came from my online friends, and amongus was a huge savior to my mental health this term wher emy group would play literally every night. I also made a really good friend off of Bumble BFF this term, who I’ve hung out with a good amount for plant shopping and board games. 

I’m very fortunate to be in a situation where I can get tested for COVID on a days notice, and very grateful that I could use that to stay a little sane.  My Biggest Accomplishment this term, was not school related. but instead I hit my 365 DAY STREAK on duolingo. This was celebrated with cake. This streak has lived through literal hell and for that I am very proud. 

Overall reflection:

This term was super rough, there were a lot of days where I just napped through it and a lot of days where I couldn’t bring myself to do any work. However, I think the courseload that I took was very manageable and I’m going to continue to go light on myself in that regard. 

I really liked the boundaries that I set for myself this term, not working after 6pm and making time to do some fun things in the midst of chaos. I never felt like I was too far behind on work, or that I wasn’t doing enough, because I had a literal reminder in front of me that I had already put x amount of hours into something with toggl. 

Sometimes in class I would feel like I didn’t know how to productively contribute to conversation, but I think thats a skill that will get better over time and not being so great at it should especially be expected in the first term of a program.

Socially I met a lot of wonderful people who also made me feel more comfortable will myself. I started using She/They pronouns which feel really comforting to me. I made a lot of little origami cranes every time I was feeling sad. I drank a lot of boba. Watched a lot of She Ra. Played a lot of games. It all ended up being okay despite the weight of everything around me. 

I’m proud of all of you for making it through this year, I know it was really difficult for a lot of people in more ways than it was for me, but we’re still here! Sometimes all you can do it make it to the next day and thats such a big accomplishment on its own.  Please feel free to reach out with any questions about time-management, toggl, phd stuff in general, archaeology, etc! Always happy to help out. :’) Thanks for reading! Lyss

[tamiettitami]

INSPIRED BY @alamborghini

In the last week, I have spent a majority of my time on Archive of Our Own reading Twyla and Alexis fics. In lieu of that, I thought I would create a recommendation post of my favorites, eight of them to be exact. I've wanted to do fic recommendations for awhile, and this seemed like the perfect place to start! Because the community is small, as I mentioned previously, there will be some author repetition, but they're all incredibly talented writers who I encourage you to support.

Check out Justine's list, too, it's linked at the very beginning! Theirs is a bit more extensive considering they've been here for longer and I've just recently dipped my toe in, however, this was a lot of fun for me to put together and I hope you enjoy nonetheless <3

All word counts, ratings, tags, and descriptions are taken directly from the stories themselves. Credit goes to the original creators for the information provided. Also, I've colored the titles according to the length of the fic. Here is the system I've devised to help you easily find stories within a certain a range of words without having to read too much while also helping to separate the titles a bit: PURPLE >2,000 words, BLUE 2,500-5,000 words, and PINK >5,000 words.

Posts marked with * are also in Podfic format. If it isn't underlined, the Podfic is apart of the work hyperlinked in the story's title.

tuck you in, turn on your favorite nightlight by @alamborghini and @anniemurphys

WORD COUNT: 843

RATED G for GENERAL AUDIENCES

TAGGED with Future Fic, Canon Compliant, Post-Canon, Children, Children's Stories, (that aren't always appropriate for children), alexis and twyla have just Seen Things ok, Alexis Rose travels for business and pleasure

DESCRIPTION: Twyla and Alexis' daughter adopts her mother's' stories in the interest of elementary school coolness.

I Offer You My Heart by @landofsonlali and @sunlightsymphony *

WORD COUNT: 10,347

RATED G for GENERAL AUDIENCES

TAGGED with Alternative Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Slow Burn, Tea Leaf reading, Flirting Via Coffee and Pastries, Pining, you know it's an AU because of the seasons, Baked Goods, Podfic, Podfic Length: 1-1.5 Hours, Let Alexis Rose Eat, Twyla Sands' Freckles

DESCRIPTION: Twyla is the owner of a coffee shop in Schitt's Creek and Alexis is a frequent customer, featuring pining, flirtation, and a whole lot of baked goods.

never saw you coming, never be the same by @alamborghini, @anniemurphys, and @landofsonlali *

This is a MUST READ series for any Twylexis fans. I started my journey through the Alexis Rose/Twyla Sands tag with these ficlets and I recommend beginning here as well.

WORD COUNT: 1,938

RATED T for TEEN & UP AUDIENCES

TAGGED with Pride, Post-Canon, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Twyla Sands' Freckles, Supportive Siblings, Pansexual Alexis Rose, Cuddling & Snuggling

DESCRIPTION: Three different perspectives of Twyla Sands and Alexis Rose's first Pride spent together as a couple.

i didn't know that i was starving (til i tasted you) by @turningtimeinthetardis

WORD COUNT: 12,885

RATED M for MATURE

TAGGED with Character Study: Twyla Sands, Character Study: Alexis Rose, Episode: s04e12 Singles Week, Singles Week Rewrite, Ted is great, But Twy and Alexis are meant to be each other's soft girlfriends, Fluff & Smut, Pining

DESCRIPTION: Twyla knows her natural penchant for kindness can sometimes be a problem. She knows it can sometimes be used against her by people who are more willing to chase their desires than she is.

Normally, she's at least a little ok with being naturally passive, with allowing her desires, her wants, to skate past her, untouched.

Maybe it's because she's gotten accustomed to serving customers at Cafè Tropical and taking unwarranted abuse with a fake smile. Maybe it's because she had grow up faster than any eight or nine year old should. Maybe it's because, well, secretly she's a multi-millionaire and, materially, she doesn't want for much of anything. And she'd be hard pressed for saying she wants anyone in Schitt's Creek.

But once she gets to know Alexis Rose?

Yeah, Twyla wants her.

to be your harbor by @doublel27

WORD COUNT: 4,007

RATED E for EXPLICIT

TAGGED with Post-Canon, Sugar Mama Twyla Sands, Praise Kink, Sex Toys, Strap-Ons, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, Service Top Alexis Rose, Sweet/Hot, Tooth-Rotting Fluff

DESCRIPTION: Twyla uses some of her money on things that are special to her. Alexis is special to Twyla. Luckily, Twyla is precious to Alexis.

your body's poetry (speak to me) by @anniemurphys

WORD COUNT: 19,599

NOT RATED

TAGGED with Alternative Universe - Ballet, adventures at youth america grand prix, baby ballerinas in the corps de ballet, oh my god they were roommates, Twyla Sands' Freckles

DESCRIPTION: Ballet has been at the center of Alexis’ life since she was three years old, the first time she saw New York City Ballet perform The Nutcracker. She pulled on her mother’s sleeve, much to Moira’s displeasure, pointed at the stage, and said, “Me!” It was the very first time she felt like her mother saw her. That feeling was intoxicating enough that she couldn’t help but chase it.

She’s seen some of the world's most celebrated ballerinas perform. But she’s never seen anyone dance like this girl, whose name she doesn’t know. The stage lights turn her auburn hair burning red. Her pirouettes are perfectly landed; there’s no struggle at all in the way her leg lifts behind her in attitude to tap against the tambourine she holds above her head. As she flits across the stage, her tambourine extended toward the judges like an irresistible invitation, there is something real in her smile, something seductive in her eyes.

Alexis forgets to breathe.

searching for a sound we hadn't heard before by @hullomoon

WORD COUNT: 867

RATED T for TEEN & UP AUDIENCES

TAGGED with New York City, Kissing, Coda, of sorts, Episode: s06e13 Start Spreading the News

DESCRIPTION: Twyla visits Alexis in New York.

Ladies Night Inn by yeah_alright

WORD COUNT: 15,848

RATED T for TEEN & UP AUDIENCES

TAGGED with Canon Compliant, Alternative Ending to The Canidate (season 2 episode 7), ladies night, Spa Night, slumber party, Female Friendship, Friends to Lovers, really more like, acquaintances to friends to potentially lovers, if we're being accurate, Teen rating is for makeouts and a few refrences to very specific and crucial body parts, No Smut, No Sex, Fluff and Humor

DESCRIPTION: What if Twyla had accepted Alexis' invitation to a ladies night at the motel after her breakup with Mutt?

If you happen to indulge in any of these, let me know you're thoughts as I'd love to chat about them and make some new Twylexis friends. Happy reading! (SOURCE)

[moonlightreal]

So, this book is a scam.

Kind of.  Accidentally maybe?  So I took a family studies class and my teacher listed Annual Editions: The Family as one of our required textbooks.  So I bought it, since required.  But when I was writing one of the assigned article summaries i was too lazy to walk across the room and get the book so i googled the article and there it was free on the internet.

It wasn’t until class was almost over that it occurred to me to wonder just how many of the articles were free on the internet and spent a few hours googling every title in the book.  Out of 56 articles four were only available to people with a subscription to The Atlantic and six I could only find as abstracts. 

So my classmates and I dropped good money mostly for free articles!  A scam?  I can’t think of any other word for it.  During a global pandemic while some of us have lost our jobs. That’s pretty epic scummy. Did our teacher know?  I did ASK the teacher-- nicely, didn’t want to accused her.  She dodged the question and just said “students like having the articles all in one place.” I don’t think my kind teacher was scamming us, I think she just didn’t think.  The publisher may actually be epic scummy.

So if you get assigned an Annual Editions, try to wrangle a list of articles out of your teacher so you don’t have to pay for it.  And then be angry.  In these uncertain times we gotta protect people from scumbaggery when it appears.

Annual Editions: The Family Forty-Third Edition

Unit 1 Evolving Perspectives on the Family

1.1 Five Reasons We can’t Handle Marriage Anymore by Anthony D’Ambrosio

https://blog.cambly.com/2015/07/25/five-reasons-we-cant-handle-marriage-anymore/

1.2 Family matters by W. Bradford Wilcox

https://slate.com/human-interest/2014/01/new-harvard-study-where-is-the-land-of-opportunity-finds-single-parents-are-the-key-link-to-economic-opportunity.html

1.3 The New Nuclear family by Suzy Kimm

https://newrepublic.com/article/122349/new-nuclear-family

1.5 Migration and Families Left behind by Sylvie Demurger

https://wol.iza.org/articles/migration-and-families-left-behind/long

1.6 American’s (sic) Think Their Own families Are great But like Judging Other People’s, A New report Suggests by Amanda Marcotte

https://www.salon.com/2016/10/24/americans-think-their-own-families-are-great-but-like-judging-other-peoples-a-new-report-suggests/

1.7 Why We Need to separate Kids from tech—Now by Martha Ross

https://www.mercurynews.com/2015/05/19/why-we-need-to-separate-kids-from-tech-now/

Unit 2 Exploring and Establishing Relationships

2.1 What Schools Should Teach Kids About Sex by Jessica Lahey

https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2015/03/what-schools-should-teach-kids-about-sex/387061/

2.2 Sex and the Class of 2020: How Will hook-ups Change? By Conior Friedersdorf

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/10/what-sex-on-campus-will-look-like-for-the-class-of-2020/381572/

2.3 There’s No Such Thing as Everlasting love (According to science) by Emily Esfahani Smith

https://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/01/theres-no-such-thing-as-everlasting-love-according-to-science/267199/

2.5 Sliding Versus Deciding: How Cohabitation Changes Marriage by Galena Rhodes

http://familyinamerica.org/files/9014/7274/6179/Rhoades.pdf

2.6 Is There a Shortage of Marriageable Men? By Isabel Sawhill and Johanna Venator

https://www.brookings.edu/blog/social-mobility-memos/2015/09/22/is-there-a-shortage-of-marriageable-men/

2.8 Teen Moms need support not shame by Alex Ronan

https://www.thecut.com/2015/05/teen-moms-need-support-not-shame.html

2.9 What Happens to a Woman’s Brain When She Becomes a Mother by Adrienne LaFrance

https://www.baby-chick.com/what-happens-to-a-womans-brain-when-she-becomes-a-mother/

Unit 3 Family Relationships

3.1 Can Attachment Theory Explain All our relationships? By Bethany Saltman

https://www.thecut.com/2016/06/attachment-theory-motherhood-c-v-r.html

3.2 The Marriage Mindset  by Annemarie Scobey

https://www.thefreelibrary.com/The+marriage+mindset%3A+lasting+love+isn%27t+just+a+matter+of+the+heart...-a0464449743

3.4 The Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Married Forever by Janet Clegg and Hilary Browne Wilkinson

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3728507/The-divorce-lawyer-s-guide-staying-married-forever.html

3.6 Parenting Wars by Jane Shilling

https://www.newstatesman.com/lifestyle/lifestyle/2013/01/parenting-wars-tiger-moms-versus-helicopter-parents

3.7 Raising a Moral Child by Adam Grant

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/04/12/opinion/sunday/raising-a-moral-child.html

3.8 The Collapse of Parenting: Why it’s Time for Parents to grow Up by Cathy Gulli

https://www.macleans.ca/society/the-collapse-of-parenting-why-its-time-for-parents-to-grow-up/

3.9 The Science of Siblings by Francine Russo

https://parade.com/23970/francinerusso/the-science-of-siblings/

3.10 How to Make Peace With your Siblings by Evan Imber-Black

https://www.nextavenue.org/how-make-peace-your-sibling/

3.11 The Sandwich Generation Juggling Act by Sherri Snelling

https://www.forbes.com/sites/nextavenue/2015/12/18/the-sandwich-generation-juggling-act/?sh=614ed73e2643

3.12 More Grandparents Become Caregivers for Grandkids. Is That Good? By Jessica Mendoza

https://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Society/2016/0216/More-grandparents-become-caregivers-for-grandkids.-Is-that-good

Unit 4 Challenges and Opportunities

4.1 Anguish of the Abandoned Child by Charles A. Nelson III, Nathan A. Fox, and Charles H. Zeanah Jr.

https://bettercarenetwork.org/sites/default/files/anguish%20of%20the%20abandoned%20child.pdf

4.2 An Epidemic of Children Dying in Hot Cars by David Diamond

https://www.kidsandcars.org/2016/06/29/an-epidemic-of-children-dying-in-hot-cars-a-tragedy-that-can-be-prevented/

4.3 Gluten-free Baby: When Parents Ignore Science by Aaron Hutchins

https://www.macleans.ca/society/health/gluten-free-baby-when-parents-ignore-science/

4.4 Family Privilege by John R. Seita

https://reclaimingjournal.com/sites/default/files/journal-article-pdfs/10_3_Seita.pdf

4.5 Terrorism in the Home by Victor M. Parachin

https://www.coursehero.com/file/26982014/English-3docx/ Full article seems not to be available.

4.6 When Your Parents are Heroin Addicts by Tracey Helton

https://www.thedailybeast.com/when-your-parents-are-heroin-addicts

4.7 “We Never Talked About It”: As Opioid Deaths Rise, Families of Color Stay Silent by Leah Samuel

https://www.statnews.com/2017/02/13/race-stigma-opioid-death/

4.8 Growing Pains: Are Perfect Families a Recipe for Stress? By Vanessa Thorpe

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/may/08/perfect-families-stress-exhaustion-modern-parents

4.9 Your Kid Goes to Jail, You Get the Bill by Eli Hager

https://www.themarshallproject.org/2017/03/02/your-kid-goes-to-jail-you-get-the-bill

4.10 Separation Anxiety: How Deportation Divides Immigrant Families by Hank Kalet

https://www.njspotlight.com/2016/11/16-11-29-separation-anxiety-how-deportation-divides-immigrant-families/

4.11 Myths about Military Families by Jennifer Woodworth

http://www.eparent.com/military-uncategorized/myths-military-families/

4.13 Working Hard, Hardly Working by Chris Sorenson

https://www.macleans.ca/work/trendswork/working-hard-hardly-working-our-problem-with-productivity/

4.15 Supporting the Supporters: What Family Caregivers Need to Care for a Loved One with Cancer by Leonard L. Berry et all

https://ascopubs.org/doi/full/10.1200/JOP.2016.017913

4.17 Why Do Marriages Fail by Joseph N Ducanto

https://www.newsweek.com/2015/05/29/breaking-hard-do-arkansas-why-divorce-laws-are-getting-stricter-332531.html

4.18 Breaking Up is Hard to Do in Arkansas: Why Divorce Laws Are Getting Stricter by Tracey Harrington

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/22/children-divorce-resolution-survey-rather-parents-separate

4.19 Children of Divorce: 82% Rather Parents Separate Than “Stay for the Kids” by Owen Bowcott

https://herstontennesseefamilylaw.com/2013/02/28/helping-children-endure-divorce/

4.20 Helping Children Endure Divorce by Marlene Eskind Moses

https://aifs.gov.au/publications/family-matters/issue-92/effects-co-parenting-relationships-ex-spouses-couples-step

4.21 The Effects of Co-Parenting Relationships with Ex-Spouses on Couples in Step-Families by Claire Cartwright and Kerry Gibson

https://aifs.gov.au/publications/family-matters/issue-92/effects-co-parenting-relationships-ex-spouses-couples-step

Unit 5 Families, Now and into the Future

5.1 The Changing American Family by Natalie Angier

https://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/26/health/families.html

5.2 What Will the Family of the Future Look Like? By Ann Berrington and Agnese Vitali

https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2016/05/what-will-the-family-of-the-future-look-like/

5.3 Why Are Fewer People Getting Married? By Jay L. Zagorsky

https://news.osu.edu/why-are-fewer-people-getting-married/

5.4 Relationships in the Melting Pot by Tina Livingston

https://www.bacp.co.uk/bacp-journals/healthcare-counselling-and-psychotherapy-journal/july-2015/relationships-in-the-melting-pot/

5.5 Family Diversity is the New Normal for America’s Children by Philip Cohen

https://contemporaryfamilies.org/the-new-normal/

https://familyinequality.wordpress.com/2019/11/23/family-diversity-new-normal/

5.7 Strengthening Ties: the Case for Building a Social Policy Centered on Families by Phillip Longman et al.

https://static.newamerica.org/attachments/2886-strengthening-ties/FCSP%20Framing%20Paper.40ac19781c8346d59786b2b1cc973fae.pdf

Articles in The Atlantic, only available with a subscription:

2.7 Not Wanting Kids is Entirely Normal by Jessica Valenti

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/09/not-wanting-kids-is-entirely-normal/262367/

2.10 Sperm donor, Life Partner by Alana Samuels

https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/12/sperm-donor-life-partner/383421/

3.3 Masters of Love by Emily Esfahani Smith

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

3.5 The Gay Guide to Wedded Bliss by Liza Mundy

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/06/the-gay-guide-to-wedded-bliss/309317/

Articles that were not obviously available, or only available as an abstract:

1.4 Bridging cultural divides: The Role and impact of Binational families by Samantha N.N. Cross and Mary c. Gilly

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/270406380_Bridging_Cultural_Divides_The_Role_and_Impact_of_Binational_Families

2:4 Dating as if it were Driver’s Ed by Lisa Jander

4.12 A Whole-Family Approach to Workforce Engagement by Kerry Desjardins

https://stemecosystems.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/awholefamilyapproach.pdf

4.14 In Whose Best Interests? A Case Study of a Family Affected by Dementia by Rachel Webb and Karen Harrison Dening

https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/In-whose-best-interests-A-case-study-of-a-family-by-Webb-Dening/501267662dc1ec43bf8f4f563dd40a2ac39cf10d

4.16 The Challenges of Change: How We Meet the Care Needs of the Ever-evolving LGBT Family? By Nancy A. Orel and David W. Coon

https://asu.pure.elsevier.com/en/publications/the-challenges-of-change-how-can-we-meet-the-care-needs-of-the-ev

5.6 Family strengths and Resilience by Eugene C. Roehikepartain and Amy K. Syvertsen

https://eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ1039018

[trashfor-imagines]

My Senpai | 4

Ushijima x Reader

Summary: You’re Goshiki Tsutomu’s older doting sister, second year at Shiratorizawa and captain of the girl’s track & field team. At your brother’s first practice you sneak in to support him and end up meeting the impressive force that is his captain. Warnings: None really. Mentions sex. Spoilers: We’re encroaching on manga territory. Takes place after Karasuno v Shiratorizawa.

Author’s Note: Sorry for not updating in forever! I lost my original chapter and got discouraged. I started rewatching Ushijima episodes to refresh my grasp on his character.

[1] | [2] | [3] | [4] | [5]

-

It was a shock. You never thought Shiratorizawa was capable of losing this year. Ushijima appeared unaffected, but that was just him. It was always mental for him and he had the ability to act with a sort of chivalric grace whenever faced with conflict. God, your boyfriend was really cool. Your brother, however, it broke your heart to see him cry.

After the award ceremony, you raced down to wait by the bus. Ushijima walked out first, his head held high. Noticing you, he simply rested his large hand on your head before getting on the bus. Quiet hello’s and thanks for coming’s were whispered to you. Your little brother could barely make eye contact, the last one to get on the bus. Reaching for his hand, you gave it a squeeze before letting it go and heading for the bus that brought the cheer squad.

The ride felt long. You spent most of it listening to music and playing with the sleeve of Ushijima’s spare team jacket he’d given you shortly after dating. You smiled and chatted occasionally with your fellow students, but the topics of discussion were focused on how Ushijima and the third years were doing. They expected you to have the answers and quite frankly, you thought it was obvious.

Getting back, you made your way into the gym to see the team working on serves. You sat quietly on the sidelines and watched as everyone gave their all, letting out their frustrations from the day. You never knew you could find the slams of volleyballs to be comforting to where they could put you to sleep. Or maybe you were just exhausted. Either way, you woke up from being carried.

“Wakatoshi,” you mumbled, snuggling closer to his chest.

The two of you snuck into your dorm room, stripping down into your underwear and entangling under the sheets. Ushijima’s body was like a radiator, warm and comforting.You ran your fingers through his hair patiently. If he wanted to talk, then he would. Until then, you whispered little praises to him, pressing kisses to his shoulder between sentences.

“I won’t lose again,” he spoke quietly.

Months passed and things continued to go well between the two of you. They were better than ever honestly. During Christmas you visited each other’s families at his request. You didn’t even have to prompt it! Your parents loved him. They thought he was quite the protector type and approved. His mother ended up accepting you once she realized you were intelligent and genuinely loved her son. Your personality had definitely thrown her for a loop.

Graduation was soon approaching and the two of you decided on a five year plan together. Long nights were spent discussing goals and dreams, wondering if they would be compatible with one another. He intended on going pro right after school; the Schweiden Adlers seemed most likely and they were based in Oita. You still had your third year of high school to finish, but you were applying to Kyushu University for architecture. It was in Fukuoka and closer than your other options to Oita. It was just a couple of hours by train or car. You also had plans to stick with track and field and keep your spot on the national team for as long as you could. You both had your eyes on the 2016 Olympics.

For a year the two of you managed to maintain a healthy long distance relationship.

After graduation, there were farewell and congratulatory parties almost every day, but the most fun for you was going apartment hunting, together. It was like a vacation, enjoying the beaches and hot springs. You spent a week staying at his apartment where the lease was ending soon. He said the two of you needed a new place together, that his current apartment wasn’t fitting enough for you. On your third day in Oita, Ushijima decided on the place, a 2 bed and 1.5 bath townhome instead of a one and one apartment. When you told him it was a bit expensive, he said it was perfect because he wanted you to have your own space at home to study for school without being bothered by him. You cried right there and he handled it like a champ. The two of you moved in a week before you started school.

“Wakatoshi!” you called to him from the rooftop terrace. He appeared, sticking his head out from the sliding glass door. You wiped your cheek, smudging dirt across your face. “Can you help me move this bag?”

He slipped on his outdoor shoes and walked over, lifting the bag of dirt and moving it to one of the two raised garden beds that he built earlier today. The two of you had plans for a small vegetable garden. “I thought we were going to plant seeds after lunch. I’m almost done cooking.”

“I know, I just got really excited. I was staring at your beautiful work and couldn’t help myself,” you cooed, giving him starry eyes.

Sighing, he set the bag down where you needed it before taking your hand and dragging you back inside. “We’ll do this after lunch. Together.”

“Aw, are you jealous I tried to start before you?” He didn’t say anything in response, making you grin. “My handsome farmer, I’m so sorry.”

After lunch, the two of you filled the garden beds with dirt and carefully planted seeds for carrots, lettuce, tomatoes, peas, basil, parsley, rosemary, thyme, marigolds, lavender, and scarlet plume celosia. Ushijima had done quite a bit of research on complimentary plants. Hours really. Hours spent doing online research and drawing diagrams of how the garden should be set up for its fullest potential.

You were watering one of the garden beds when you caught a glimpse of Ushijima squatting with a spade in his hand. It was so cute how concentrated he was and how much attention he was giving this simple task. Biting your lip, you sprayed him briefly. He blinked, as if not comprehending what happened and looked up, as if blaming the sky. A muffled laugh escaped you. You went back to watering the garden bed as he went inside. Minutes later you heard the glass door slide open and didn’t pay much mind to it. Suddenly you felt chilled and were thoroughly soaked. Moving your hair from your eyes, you looked up to see your boyfriend holding a bucket over your head.

“Wakatoshi!”

Soon you were off to university, moving into a small dorm room with a single suitcase. Your dorm was littered with photographs of you and Ushijima and it was hard to cope with the fact that you wouldn’t see him through at least the rest of summer, maybe not even until the end of September if your school’s track team did well.

For a month you and Ushijima would call or FaceTime every night and tell each other about your days. He was quite proud of the garden the both of you planted and would send you progress photos and then describe what he saw in fine detail. Honestly, you didn’t realize your boyfriend was capable of being so invested in something other than volleyball. There were a few times you tried spicing up your phone calls, but honestly Ushijima didn’t get it. He was terrible at phone sex. It was fine though. Summer break was.... just a few months away.

It was a Saturday night after track practice when you got a phone call from your boyfriend.

“Wakatoshi! You’re calling early. I haven’t gotten back to my dorm yet,” you spoke, excited to hear from him.

“(Y/N), I’m lost.”

Your brows raised in surprise. “Lost, how? Do you need me to look up how to fix something?”

“No, I’m somewhere on your university’s campus.”

You felt your heart skip and you immediately ran toward main campus. “Okay well tell me what you see.”

In thirty minutes you were in your dorm taking a shower and Ushijima was reading the newest shonen jump he picked up at the train station on your bedroom floor. You came out with your hair in a towel and one of Ushijima’s t-shirts you had stolen. He set aside his magazine and pulled you down into his lap, holding you tight.

“I’m so surprised you came. I’m so happy,” you squealed, burying your face into his neck and running your fingers through his hair.

“I missed you too. I can stay for two days, but then I must go home.”

Pulling back, you let your fingers run over the stubble on his jaw, pouting a bit, “So what do I owe this short visit?”

His stare was intense and a faint blush kissed his cheeks. “I recognize that a few times you’ve tried to... initiate some things on the phone. I admit I’m not very good at it, so hopefully my presence now can make up for my... lack of experience.”

“Wakatoshi,” you breathed out in surprise, gazing at him with so much love. He literally traveled almost three hours because you were horny without him. Pulling the towel from your hair, you knocked him over onto his back as you jumped him.

Visits like these happened sporadically and soon it was fall. Track and field season was over which meant you could make your weekend visits home to Oita. You’d leave Wednesday nights and head back to school on Sunday mornings. Despite the second bedroom serving as a private study for you, you found yourself curling up to Ushijima almost always - as long as he wasn’t busy.

This was life for a couple of years. The two of you had become quite the duo. In fact, throughout your relationship, you had only argued about two things:

You broke your phone once and he wasn’t able to contact you and he freaked out from not knowing what was going on.

He forgot your anniversary and cancelled on your date for volleyball and you laid in on him for it.

Things were great until the 2016 Olympic qualifiers came around. You had broken a metatarsal in your right foot at the first qualifying meet of the 2015 season. You were out for the next eight weeks and even then, you weren’t going to be in shape to qualify because you had to go through physical therapy and get your athletic abilities up to par. Your coach told you that staying on the national team, going pro, and qualifying for 2020 was still possible for you. It didn’t stop the feeling of complete and total devastation that wrecked you and you were jealous.

Ushijima wasn’t sure of how to help you; he’d never seen you so vulnerable before, never seen you so sad, but he did his best to support you, even if that meant being a punching bag. He was consistent, despite things he had going on for his own Olympic goals.

After two months it was summer break. You had to go through physical therapy and you moved back home to Oita, transitioning to online classes for the second term of the year. Because Ushijima’s love language was different from most, you found yourself being forced to do your PT homework exercises, no matter how down and bratty you got.

“Wakatoshi, I don’t want to do stairs,” you groaned, curling up into a ball on the couch.

“You must, or you won’t be ready to start training any time soon,” he replied simply.

Your foot was throbbing and you were on your period, and everything just felt like shit. All you wanted was to watch anime and eat the small bag of chips you had hidden under the blanket you were under. Ushijima had been so strict with your diet and honestly all you wanted were trans fats, sugar, and carbs. With ease, he ripped the blanket from you, exposing you in your underwear clutching a bag of Calbee honey butter flavored potato chips.

“You should get up and walk the stairs now,” he said, prying the bag of chips from your hands, “if you want these back.”

Throwing your legs over the couch, you winced, balling your hands into fists in frustration. You got up, favoring your left foot, which he noticed. He walked up the stairs and sat on the top step, waiting for you to follow. Biting your lip, you moved slowly, trying to ignore the pain. There were 14 steps to the top and you had to go up twice and down twice. You were doing fine until your second trek up the stairs. It was a misstep and you slipped and you were clinging to the stair case, crying. It was embarrassing for you to be like this in front of him. This sweet giant quickly enveloped you in his arms and had you lying on your side of the bed, gently caressing your foot as you sobbed through it.

When you were calm again, Ushijima left for a while before returning, dinner in hand. The two of you sat in bed and had the meal he made in silence. You’d barely eaten, but you waited until he finished before you curled up to his side.

“I’m so sorry, Wakatoshi.”

“I would be surprised it you took this easily. You’re a competitive person. It’s one of the things I find attractive about you,” he replied. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders, his fingers gently running up and down along your own arm.

“Really?” you asked, feeling shy. He hummed in affirmation, glancing down to make eye contact. Smiling, you played with the hem of his shirt that was beginning to ride up. “What else do you... find attractive about me?”

“You’re thoughtful, kind. The way you pursue your passions and you’ve encouraged me to pursue my own; you believe in people wholeheartedly.” A thoughtful expression settled on his face as he spoke on effortlessly. He paused and his brows furrowed briefly before settling into a relaxed expression. “You’re beautiful.”

Placing a kiss to your forehead, you watched as he got up and headed to take his evening shower.

While you couldn’t compete, you concentrated on therapy and school and finished your courses early for your degree. You picked up a simple class to stay enrolled until your four years at school were up*, this way you could go back to competing your last year of university. The summer of 2016, Ushijima took you with him to Brazil. Japan didn’t win, but the competition was incredible. You got to meet with track and field athletes and it reignited your passion for competition.

You’d graduate come spring and then your focus was on 2020 Tokyo.

-

*In Japan, early graduation doesn’t exist. It was explained to me that if you attend a 4 year university, you have to be a student for 4 years before graduating, even if you complete your degree early.

tag list: @hihiq​

[mixednotmatched]

(tw: suicide, self-harm mentions)

I get really irritated when I hear people say “American students are lazy/never have to do any work/have it easy,” especially when comparing us to students in other countries known for their rigorous education systems. It is important to acknowledge that the school systems of multiple countries (India, Korea, Japan, China, etc.), while known to be rigorous and to produce highly-educated individuals, have also been criticized for their links to worsening mental health and high suicide rates. Each school system has its pros and cons, and it is not my place to say that students in my country have it better/worse as a blanket statement.

I went to a selective enrollment high school in Chicago (if you aren’t familiar with the selective enrollment system, basically you have to test in during 8th grade and based on your test score, zip code, and some other info, you may be offered a seat at your first, second, third, etc. choice school unless your list is exhausted. These are public schools, not rich private schools.). I am very privileged to have been educated at one of the top schools in the country, and the top public high school in the country. At one point we were told that our chances of securing a seat in our school in particular were about 1/3 of the current Harvard acceptance rate, so we were super lucky. And what I am about to say is just my experience at a rigorous, top-ranked high school, and I am not trying to say that only students who attended top schools face the academic rigor and general challenges (home, life, etc.) with high school that we did. 

As if the pressure on 13 and 14 year olds to get into top high schools wasn’t enough, the workload was INTENSE. If you’re in college or have been through college, think of how you study for finals: constantly, nervously, and maybe forgoing eating or sleeping or socialization to study. That continues for a couple weeks. But imagine that same level of intense study every day for four years of school. Students regularly pulled all-nighters, skipped meals, and canceled plans just to study. Not to mention, many students came from neighborhoods far away from school (due to the city’s segregation of Black, Brown, and low-income residents, combined with the dearth of quality schools in many non-white, poorer neighborhoods) and had a 1.5 hour commute each morning with multiple busses and trains. Family issues, money issues, racial tensions in the city/country, hunger, health issues, and other factors also disproportionately impacted some students more than others. The pressure added up. Alcoholism, drug abuse, cutting, suicide attempts, and other self-harming behaviors proved to be coping mechanisms for all the stress of school plus home plus society. I can count more students than I have fingers and toes for who this was the case. 

I noticed that Americans, not just at my school, dismissed these negative effects of a workaholic school culture by saying something like “oh but students in [insert Asian country here] have so much work than you do!” The anti-Asian sentiment that enables us to distance ourselves from workaholism and damagingly-intensive education systems, deeming them and their effects an “Asian problem,” means we often miss where our own education system does the same thing to its students and drives their mental health into the ground. Nonstop working is not inherent to Asians, it is mandated and reproduced by hierarchy, capitalism, and other systems of exploitation.

There were many students who graduated alongside me who entered high school as happy, inquisitive individuals in high spirits. By the end of four years, they still had many of those same ambitions - but were either on antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, and/or had spent time in the hospital for mental health issues. 

So next time someone says “American students have it easy, they’re just lazy,” remind them that for many that isn’t the case.

[indieks]

Two Nights, One Da(y)te 🌒 Lee Jooheon | 1.5/2

🔥 Pairing : Lee Jooheon x Reader

🔥 Genre : Soulmate!AU, Angst, Fluff, Suggestive (light)

🔥 Word count : 25.3k

🔥 Synopsis : He should have been just another Tinder match you would have swiped off your life just like you swiped your thumb on your screen that night, hadn’t it been for the deep connection that bonds you to him. He is your soulmate, you are a girl he can’t help but get attracted to. You are seeking for the perfect relationship, he is trying to stay away from love. Would the few times you come across each other be enough for your opposite hearts to face the same direction?

Part 1 /\ Part 1.5 /\ Part 2

🔥 A/N : I don’t know where I should begin... I’m so relieved to finally be able to publish the sequel of this story, but I’m so sorry at the same time for being this late. My past year (I can’t believe it’s already been a year) has been hectic and busy, my studies being the most intensive and time-solliciting ever. But I’ve managed to type a few words here and there, to finally come up with this part ; and no, it isn’t the ending one like I had planned to, because I had so many things to tell that it would’ve been too long, so I had to cut it into two!

Anyway, I just wanted to thank every single one of you who’ll take the time to read this, especially if there are some of you who were still waiting... I’ve missed Tumblr and I hope you’ll like it!

Disclaimer : the few new named characters I’ve introduced are purely fictional, I’ll just let your imagination be!

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*       

"You're dozing off, again" a low voice finally snaked its way into his closed eardrums that had muted any possible sound buzzing around him, letting his messy thoughts rule over his focus and his awareness of where he actually was.

Jooheon snapped his head towards the left to peak at his interlocutor, being met by his bartender colleague's sad smile, Wonwoo, who shook him lightly as he had landed a friendly hand on his shoulder.

"You should take a break" he then suggested to the reddish-haired boy who looked back at him like a deer caught in the headlights.

"W-What? No, I'm fine, I'm sorry I just… Got a lot on my mind lately" Jooheon then brushed his offer off with a forced smile of his and a gentle nod to ask for his understanding and forgiveness.

"Hyung, I've been taking over your third customer because you've left the counter to take a bottle of vodka like five minutes ago yet never came back" Wonwoo chuckled, releasing the tensed muscles of the man next to him from his grasp.

"Five? No kidding? Wow shit I'm so sorry" Jooheon apologized again before sighing, his now squinted eyes meeting his own reflection in the glasses that were plastered behind the rows of bottles at the back of their bar.

The night club's neon-lights painted his face in warm colors, contrasting with how pale and  expressionless it had been for weeks now. He looked miserable in spite of the fancy hairstyle he had put effort in and his attempt to feel confident by opening his shirt a little bit too much for the ladies – in vain, as his mind wasn't even here to actually catch them lurking.

"It's okay hyung, I can see you're going through hardships lately. So if you need to take a small break, go ahead, you'll pay me back later" his tall friend reassured him before turning back to their counter where a crowd of thirsty people was already asking for his services.

Jooheon's knuckles that had indeed been around the bottle of alcohol he had indeed intended to bring back to the front weren't fed with blood anymore as his clench tightened around it. He was confused as hell, hell he thought he had already been living in all this time but which seemed to have darkened and deepened with discomfort ever since he had sent that very message to you and you had had the last word.

He could almost recite your answer by heart aloud, as he had come to read and reread it, the words planting swords of doubt, regret, and want in his body. And if he had managed to push it aside most of the time by busying himself with work at the club or on some music, it only took one glimpse of your face flashing randomly through his head from time to time, for him to get blocked into a quicksand of thoughts about you, about his feelings, about his choices, and his mind would be on full stop just like it had now.

But five minutes straight… Wow, that was a record.

You [00:44 a.m.] : I'm alone at my place, so now I have nothing to distract me anymore… I shall finally muster up my courage after hours of thinking about what to actually say. I don't know if I'm mad, upset, frustrated. Maybe a mix of them three. I'm sorry if I'm bothering you with a heavy block of words but I'll just let it all out. I spent a wonderful night with you last time. And as I told you back then, I like you, and I'm sorry. I like you and I can't do anything about it, I'm almost bothered by it myself, because you kind of warned me about your issues. Maybe I was the only one feeling this way, but that night was really special to me, and that independently of the fact that you're my ideal. Special enough for me to stop thinking about what should come next, which is sooo unlike me. And I thought I had somehow convinced you to do just the same, appreciating that thing between us. Between us, yes, as in from me to you, but also from you to me, because I felt like it wasn't one-sided. I shall thank you for trying to explain yourself again and your decision, but I'm having a hard time understanding why everything that had apparently made you come to me suddenly disappeared, or why it wasn't enough again for you to let things unwrap on their own and see where we would end up. See, I told you, I'm not enough, not even for my soulmate haha ! Anyway, I'll have to respect your decision because I can't do anything about it, right?"

Everything had gone well that night. Jooheon hadn't felt the time run out through his fingers wrapped around your waist, molding perfectly against your skin as if they had been supposed to land just there. Everything had gone so well, that he had thought he would finally be able to overcome his insecurities, as the way you had freed him from his knots of thoughts and his heavy shell had definitely showcased how special you were, reason why he had made a move first the afternoon following your leave and started a conversation.

However, the time with you and the messages you had exchanged had only been a suspension of the weight crushing his heart, and not its eradication. Because soon, the ghosts of Jooheon's lack of trust in himself had come back floating around him ; he had then realized he still felt betrayed too much to finally draw his sword and fight them, and chase the light you had shone on him.

Yet, why turning away from you was continuously bugging him even after three weeks of cutting ties? He missed your daily chatting, he missed your reassuring presence, and he somehow missed your touch and your lips. With just an encounter, a night next to him, and some text messages 'til the morning light, you had lodged a bullet right at his heart and the wound was spreading your print through his whole body. And now, it was as if he had run away, but with his eyes looking back at you all the while ; with the strings pulling at his bloody organ held by your hands ; with his mind paused back in that past night with you, unable to make him sort what was supposedly waiting for him onwards.

He had made this choice with the conviction that he still needed some time alone to go ahead with his life and mostly sort it out, but right now, what was left in front of him was only a battlefield of endless question marks, blocking his vision of where he should land his next footsteps away from the crossroad where his path had met yours.

Shit, he was regretting.

"Why did you change your mind, all of a sudden?" Kihyun asked him as Jooheon had ended up taking a short break with the encouragement of his colleague, and he had joined his group of friends who were sitting down at one of the fancy tables in the club.

They had been avoiding the subject for a while now as they knew how sensitive the bartender could be ; however, as the latter showed them how uneasy he felt about his decision himself to the point it had now impeached him from working correctly, Kihyun hadn't been able to hold it in any longer.

"What do you mean" Jooheon mumbled nonchalantly as he poured himself a glass of soda from one of the bottles of soft drinks they had spared.

"You told us that everything had went well that Friday night. I hadn't seen you smile like that when receiving a text for ages. So what happened, Jooheon-ah?" the boy specified, a worried expression clear on his face as his brows were furrowed and his little eyes were shining.

"In other words : why did you pee on yourself?" Changkyun tackled his friend intently, so that he'd gain a reaction from the zombie he had been all over again as if they were back when she had left him – and maybe, as a bonus, a spontaneous answer.

Bingo.

"Would you leave me alone, please? I feel like my head's gonna explode from all the overthinking about this already, so no need to add your questions to it, thanks!" Jooheon barked back at them, gulping down a huge sip from his glass before smashing it down on the table with a trembling hand.

The beverage was refreshing, but what he needed right now, were the flames of liquor to burn his insides so that he wouldn't feel them twisting anymore.

"Hey, we're trying to help here, calm down" Hoseok, one of the players of his ex-football team, warned with a hurt frown.

"Wanna know what I think?" Minhyuk spoke up, and he got an eye-roll in return.

"Actually, not that much…?" Jooheon tiredly inquired, because he knew what was about to come out of the blonde's mouth.

"I know you like the back of my hand Jooheon-ah, and what I'm sure of, is that you simply chickened out because you like the girl. And right now, you're having a headache, because you're just admitting it to yourself yet you don't know if you do want to take the proper actions that go with it, or not. I told you, that your heart doesn't give a damn about what's settled in your head" Minhyuk ignored his answer and looked him in the eye, unphased by the angry glare the fiery-haired boy shot right at him. "And while you're at it with your overthinking, just ask yourself the right questions : Did I enjoy the time I spent with her? Yes or no. Would I like it if I see her again? Yes or no. Do I wish to talk to her? Yes or no. Did I like kissing her? Would I like it if it happens ever again? Yes or no. If everything's a yes, then let me answer for you : maybe putting an end to it wasn't the best of choices, no."

"Leave me alone with your psychanalysis" Jooheon barely replied through gritted teeth, hating how that friend of his always managed to nibble right at the sensitive spot.

"We're just seeing that you're not… As okay with your decision as you've been when you had stories with no tomorrow up 'til now. And I think it's a shame that you're letting your doubts take the best of you like that, because Y/N really is a great girl and I swear she's really into you-" Kihyun started, but he got interrupted by Jooheon standing up roughly.

"I've had enough."

"Jooheon-ah, wait" Hyunwoo, the eldest of the group, got up on his feet as well in an attempt to prevent him from leaving.

"Aren't you supposed to be the ones to understand me and cut me some slack the most? You know how fucked up my mind is, you know how hard it is for me to find a solution to that blocking, you know ALL OF THAT! I've listened to you, I've tried to let myself go, but I just can't, okay?! See in what it resulted! I hurt a nice person, and I'm going crazy because I don't know why I can't make it work out this time as well!" he burst out and once he did, his eyes grew wide as a wave of guilt crashed against his head walls.

He regretted having taken his buried frustration at them. Hyunwoo took that opportunity to grab him by the nape as the boy's head had dropped in shame, before he presented under his nose the rest of the glass he hadn't finished but with a hint of whiskey he had poured in it, a gesture of comfort Jooheon had needed instead of the lecturing and review of his love-life.

"This time it's definitely different, you like her, and maybe that's why you're even more scared. But we just think this could actually be the way out of it, your attraction to her. If only you had hung to that a little bit more… Anyway, sorry, I didn't mean to anger or hurt you" Minhyuk stepped towards his buddy, giving him a brief hug, before he left to get himself a strong drink at the bar.

If only Jooheon was brave enough to hold onto the rope you had caught him with, yes. If only the fight with his mind was that simple, yes. If only he hadn't already forfeited, yes…

*

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*

"You're dozing off, again" Jiwoo whispered from her seat facing you, her two eyes peeking at you over the thin panel between your two desks, and you blinked rapidly to bring yourself back to reality.

That poor, lonely, empty, reality you had been breathing in for three weeks now but that was suffocating you, as all the words you wished to tell him and all the ones you regretted having said were stuffed at the back of your throat.

So that was how it was supposed to feel, having bathed in the perfect world of soulmates only to drown in loneliness then harshly dry if it ever came to an end? You felt totally, inevitably, unbearably lifeless, your soul being trapped into the wonderful moment you had spent in his company but that you had a hard time labelling as a simple "good memory" now that everything was over. It was as if his lips on yours had taken all of your willpower to remain careful when it came to love, as you felt now tenfold worse than after your past breakups.

All of your usual imagination and enthusiasm had been swept away by your emotions that got the best of you, as Jooheon had stepped on the last thing that had implicitly kept you going with your life confidently after your previous heartbreaks : hope. You had hoped to find happiness in him, you had hoped that his smiles at you, his wish for you to stay, his sweet and deep kiss in the morning, his hands lingering around your frame as you had told him you had to go, his messages popping up on your screen afterwards, were the signs that you may have found some arms to engulf you ; but he had proven you wrong with his change of mind, or maybe, to your despair, his change of heart.

Once again, the power of feelings hadn't been enough for you to keep him by your side, for him to come to you fearlessly, for the both of you to enjoy the ride and see where it would take you, blindly. And because the law was a witch that had casted an awful spell on you, you got to experience the weighing sensation of melancholy as you couldn't help but think of him.

A raindrop would make you think of him, as the shape of his mouth made it seem as if he had a small one always hanging from his lower lip. The sound of a car passing by, as it reminded you of the numerous taxis you had tried to stop before you had decided to take yourselves home by feet. The dimples of one of your colleagues, as his were the cutest you had ever seen. The scent of beer or dumplings, as it was the first – and last – late night snack you had shared with him. The orange and red lights at a stop, as the strands of his hair were tinted between those very two colors.

Anything in your daily sight of banalities managed to link itself to a memory of Lee Jooheon, and every time, it was another sigh leaving your mouth. Funnily though, it somehow helped you to understand how hard it could be for him to move on from his ex and let his heart beat for anyone but her, as for now, you felt like you couldn't give yours to anyone but him, and that until a long long time.

He was your ideal type of man, and unfortunately, he had also made your heart flutter. He matched your dreams and the reality of your feelings, and it hurt, pretty badly. The bittersweet taste of what you barely could call a relationship dried your mouth that only craved for his to grace it all over again with sweet kisses and caresses of his tongue inside of its walls.

"Stop checking your messages" Jiwoo guessed as she spotted how your eyes were lingering down on something on your desk, and you almost whined as your lips formed a pout.

"Remember what the cards told me last week? That he probably would text me…" you retorted shamelessly.

"This application is bullshit and you know it, and it told you that he might think of sending you something, not that he would actually do it in the end" your colleague countered in a sigh.

"You remember quite well for someone who's so sceptic about astrology and so on…" you chuckled and she tsk-ed at you.

"It was funny because we were drunk" she admitted with a shrug, before regaining a stern composure. "More seriously, Y/N, I'm sorry to tell you this but it's been three weeks already… I know he's your ideal, but it doesn't mean he's the absolute perfect man you need for real, y'know? Life goes on, and as you've always told me, true love always wins! I'm just sad to see you still like this!"

You addressed her a smile as you saw how hard she was trying to reason you, but the you who had been so reasonable those past months, was long gone and replaced by a desperate girl in need for a romantic-comedy-like unfolding to happen in her life. In the movies, he would actually send you the message ; he would have been thinking of you in his bed until late late night ; he would have realized that he…

That he liked you. If he ever did.

Your heavy eyelids that supported a lazy gaze fluttered tiredly as you turned your head to the window showcasing a lining of buildings warmed up by the setting sun that hadn't fought with any cloud during the day, as if it was laughing at your gloomy state.

"Yes I'll send it to you next morning" a sweet but clear voice caught your attention from the other side of the room, and your heart did a small jump as you shifted in your seat to catch a sight of Yoo Kihyun entering the open space with a phone stuck between his ear and his shoulder, and his eyes suddenly fell on you, his face then breaking into the most welcoming of smiles.

You adored him. He was a hard working senior who was straight in his shoes, never failing at his tasks, always ready to help, always giving his opinion in the subtlest of ways, always supporting your projects ; he was kind of your mentor at work, while Jiwoo was your right arm, and if usually meeting with him every day was pure happiness, now you couldn't help but get strangled by the hands of questions about Jooheon every time Kihyun would look at you or talk to you. He was the most vivid yet most embarrassing of remaining links between you and your ideal, and for three weeks you had had to bite your lip so that you wouldn't blurt your wonderings to him out of nowhere.

How was he doing? Had he talked about you? Had he forgotten about you? Were you crazy to hope and wait for anything to happen, deep down?

The after-effects of the spell were definitely chewing on the lucid part of your brain.

"Don't distance yourself from me because of Lee Jooheon" the cause of your stomach's knots to tighten at work quietly told you as you were waiting for your coffee to be spilled by the machine near the blocks of desks.

"W-What?" you stuttered, surprised by his so-on-point remark. "I-I'm not, I’m not Kihyun, what does make you say that? It's fine between us!"

The latter chuckled, his eyes disappearing as his mouth curled up, and you would've bet that he could cook some eggs on your two cheeks that were steaming from the mortification he had put you in.

"You know you can talk to me about it, if you need to… I can see that it's been running on your mind" he offered in a soothing tone, and you both went to sit on the comfortable sofas located in what was supposed to be the rest area. "But please, don't be embarrassed with me!"

"How can I not be? He's your friend before anything else, and you are the first spectator of how ridiculous I'm being nowadays… I don't want to put you into a tricky position. It was one night, and it's over" you convinced yourself before sipping on your hot energizing drink, and Kihyun landed his face in the palm of his left hand, a fond smile spreading on his traits just for you to see.

"You're not as convincing when you talk about yourself as when you're selling our projects" he joked, and you faked a kick in his legs extended before yours. "You don't have to try to look all strong in front of me Y/N, I'm actually dating my own ideal and I know how devastating it feels if they ever turn away from you."

There was a glimpse of sadness in his eyes you had never seen before as Kihyun was either smiling, either completely unreadable at work, his face expressions only shifting from concentrated traits to joyful ones when he heard good news. But sadness? Never had you ever spotted him break in front of you in the few months you had spent together, and God knew how late you had stayed together in the building to finish your work, how drunk you had both been, how tired the job could make you.

"You weren't hers, as well?" you questioned before you could think of how intrusive this could sound.

"I am, but we took a break for a few months because the emotions and sensations were… Too much for her and for me to handle. We were quite passionate from the very beginning, so much that it could have torn us apart" he explained.

You nodded understandingly, your fingernails tapping an unknown beat on the small plastic cup in your cold hands.

"Now everything's fine, but just so you know that I've been through it, dreading the ideal one, so I get how you feel" he added, insisting on the last word with his eyes looking at you intently, as if they were also bearing the weight of it.

"Well at least you stopped dreading her because you were meant to be together anyway! Jooheon and I aren't as lucky, I just hope it won't take too long for me to move on" you smiled enviously at him before coating your lips with some hot coffee to mask how quickly the corners of your mouth had fallen down.

"You know, what's funny…" Kihyun trailed, passing his hand through his thick mop of brown hair that was graciously welcoming the last rays of sun seeping through the bay windows.

He bit back a chuckle when he caught how your eyes lightened up at the suspense he had voluntarily seamed between the both of you, finding you cute, and confirming his already steady opinion : Jooheon and you would be perfect together, if only…

"What's funny, is that Jooheon is supposed to be my friend first, so I should support him and respect his choices, but this time, I'm definitely on your side" he confessed, his eyes turning into crescents as his mouth supported a warm smile once more.

"Oh yes? And why's that?" you asked him with a dubitative expression as you leaned back into the comfy chair. "Glad to learn that you and I are not friends though…"

Kihyun's phone suddenly rang, and he held the screen towards you so that you could read the name of one of your collaborators, actually being the one you were going to work with on the next event.

"They have your personal number? Woooow you're so chic" you whispered with a faked astonished expression as he stood up quickly, chuckling at your remark.

"Let's talk about it around drinks tonight, I feel like going to the bar instead of finishing what I have to do" he smiled before exiting the relaxing room in pressed strides, and you could hear him getting back to his work-tone as he seriously said "Yes sir it's me, Yoo Kihyun".

Little did you know he was literally going to replace his blood by alcohol once night had fallen, and that you would follow him with just a few drinks late.

*

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*

You were sitting at your favorite bar, that was located only three blocks away from your workplace. All of your team could never get enough of its cozy ambiance, with the dangling little garlands and lanterns hanging from the ceiling, the numerous tropical plants placed between the row of tables, and the exotic landscapes sketches or Maya-like sculptures fixed on the wooden walls, giving the overall feeling of having found shelter in the middle of a sublime jungle.

It had started as another classical end of day, Kihyun and you enjoying some delicious appetizers and tricky cocktails that were as tasty as threatening for your sanity, all the while talking about futile things and sharing funny stories. However, sooner than you would have imagined, you weren't clinking your half-empty glass with your favorite partner when you agreed on things anymore, because it had been already ten minutes since he was ranting about life and love with a jaded expression on his sharp traits.

He wasn't even looking at you, his lost eyes fixed on a wooden stick which used to support candies he had now planted in the glass in front of him, and he turned it again and again into the rest of his drink mixed with water from the cooling ice cubes.

"You know, when you date your ideal, you almost forget how it actually feels to love at first. I swear, the sensations you get almost turn into a drug, something you can never get enough of! You immediately love the person without even knowing him or her, and you're in such a bliss, in such an awe, that you can't even distinguish what your real emotions are anymore. It took me a break with my girlfriend to look back on what I feel, what I love in her, and to miss her but because my heart felt empty, not my entire self."

He sighed loudly before taking a sip from his striped straw, and seeing how he frowned and tilted his head, you knew he had more to say, which was so unlike him. It seemed as if your own situation with Jooheon affected him as well ; as if it had opened the doors to some secret yet deep thoughts that had been bugging his mind.

"When you're in a one-sided situation like yours, I feel like there's a lot to it. I think that it's also a perfect combination in its own way, because there's the power of soulmates, facing the one of true feelings. Two paths come across and merge into one : the one of the heart, and the one of fate, this is complementary" he then explained as his digits lightly traced the two lines in the palm of his left hand, and strangely, his words seemed to have cooled down the atmosphere around you as you felt chills run down your skin all of a sudden.

"I used to agree with you and believe in love more than in the soulmate-thing, but… You can't deny that nothing can beat the perfection of the romance between two individuals that were both bond by fate. It means they're made for each other, it's beautiful" you inquired, and unlike you whose heart now felt heavy in your itchy chest, Kihyun looked like he relaxed in his chair as it was his turn to speak again.

"But what sticks two soulmates together is also love, just like any other couple. What we actually feel might be stronger, but not purer. If I didn't love my girlfriend and if she didn't love me, our short break would have resulted in a break-up, for sure. That's the part of reality in this world of dreams and expectations. I wish Jooheon would understand that…" he breathed out as his gaze finally landed on you, an exasperated expression veiling his white face.

"Oh no, don't tell me he's back at it again" a rather high-toned voice spoke from behind you and your colleague's reddening cheeks spread into a contented smile, so you turned around in your seat to be met with five familiar figures, their sight making your heart drop down to your heels.

Before you had even recovered from the tornado of emotions this situation was putting you through, the boys you couldn't help but label as "Jooheon's friends" dragged some more chairs and tables to join Kihyun and you. To each beat of your weakened heart, one thought kept on ringing in your mind : every single boy sitting next to you, in front of you, across from you, knew Lee Jooheon better than you did even though the law made you feel otherwise. But what was harder to process, was they surely were aware of the things that had happened between the both of you, making you rot in embarrassment.

"What, what, what? I'm back at what, huh? You know you all agree, Jooheon doesn't realize how lucky he is! What he trusted in is right in front of our eyes, Y/N, who aspires to believe in love more than anything! He's not her ideal for nothing, it's because they would be perfect together, am I wrong?"

You swore that the weight of awkwardness and how the atmosphere had thickened were crushing you in your wooden chair, and all you did was agitating your head from the left to the right repeatedly while shooting him a pleading look so that he would stop playing the justiciary.

"Hey, you're lucky too you punk! Sorry Y/N, he tends to turn really sentimental once he's drunk… Anyway, we're here to save you from hell" the one you remembered as being named Hoseok smiled kindly at you, however it didn't chase your wish to disappear away.

"What are you saying, you're here because I texted you to come" Kihyun snorted with a sulky face.

He hadn't asked for your advice or assent before taking this questionable initiative, but you had noted from the mischievous smile he had sported on the way earlier that he had been exceptionally excited to go out, making you wonder if he had been up to something.

And he clearly had.

"I thought it would be nice for you to hang with some new people, to clear your mind a little" he then addressed you, and every single one of you – except for him– rolled your eyes at his stupid idea.

Clear your mind? While being surrounded by six faces that only reminded you of the one that was missing? Seriously?

What a nice idea he had had, bringing another set of pieces to the puzzle picturing Jooheon in your dizzy head, bringing dozens of questions burning the tip of your tongue, bringing discomfort as you were hanging with an important part of his life when he had chased you out of it.

"I texted the sad boy too, so that he realizes what he's missing, I can't leave him alone being all dumb like that" Kihyun then proudly announced, and you darted two big round eyes at him, your heart beating faster than it had since the night you had spent with the very sad boy he was talking about, as for three weeks it had been unmoved.

"ARE YOU CRAZY?!" you shouted along with the rest of the boys, your pupils then exchanging panicked-angry-incredulous glances.

"I'm leaving" you then precipitated yourself, your suddenly trembling hands gathering your things on the table and putting them back into your leather bag.

"Yoo Kihyun seriously what's wrong with you…" the tall one, Hyungwon, pestered him with a clenched jaw as he looked at you who were ready to stand all at once.

"He will be here in less than a minute, just stay and trust me Y/N, please" Kihyun begged and it triggered you.

"Why would you do that? It's just embarrassing for the both of us! I am respecting his decision, and so should you! Thank you for worrying about me, but don't interfere anymore, please!" your tone would have gotten close to the one of yelling, hadn't it been for your voice cracking as it was the prey of your fear to meet Jooheon's eyes again, to read discomfort and resent in them instead of the memory of their tenderness you cherished.

Just as you were about to finally get up, having put your fluffy puffer coat on as well as your beanie to confront the icy weather, the peal of small bells signaling the opening of the main door resounded over the music and the boys' voices telling you how sorry they were ; and you knew. You knew it was him who had just entered, because your body automatically reacted the second you dared to throw a look over your shoulder quickly, your eyes only perceiving a reddish mop of hair and a bright yellow padded jacket. Your hand was scorching and shining around the handle of your bag, and you cursed under your breath at the pain and at Kihyun who bit back a smile of victory.

He really could become sly and clueless at the same time once he was drunk, how come you had forgotten about that?

"Y/N, wait-" the latter tried to hold you back as you pushed your chair that screeched against the ground, but you walked past the table, your hurried strides supported by your trembling legs taking you towards some other exit at the opposite side of the room.

Your heavy heart had turned light, floating under your chest as a feather would do in some spring breeze, however the two drinks you had consumed and the trap your friend had pushed you right in made you overall feel sick, your stomach burning. Some fresh air was even more welcomed, yet you hadn't even taken that much steps when the most pleasant voice you would ever hear infiltered your buzzing eardrums :

"Y/N" Jooheon called you out calmly, and your feet immediately stumbled as you came to a full stop.

Shit.

You didn't want to look at him, you didn't want to see his face again, you didn't want to feel yourself sucked into the hole of sweltering feelings for him once more now that you had told yourself that your dreams wouldn't come true ; however you did, slowly turning on your heels, and you inevitably got consumed by the flames of whatever his presence did to you.

He looked utterly handsome even though he was doing nothing, just standing there and breathing. His hair was down, falling messily on his forehead, with a few strands kissing his eyelids ; still, it didn't occult the power his pupils could hold. His sharp eyes never failed to get the best of you, absorbing your willpower to leave and pinning your two feet to the ground, as contrary to what you had dreaded, there wasn't anything near embarrassment shining in them. They were simply gazing at you, two black orbs full of stars hooked on his sculpted-like face, and they didn't quaver when they met your unsure, humid ones.

"Let's talk outside for a minute" he invited out of the blue, and you blinked obliviously but your head nodded independently of your command.

You then waited for him to move closer behind you before exiting the bar, without saying a word, your throat strained and your mouth itching with the desire of kissing him right here, right now. Once you had landed a few steps outside, it took you a lot of courage to turn around again and face the cause of your happiness and sorrow, the sweet-and-sour mixture twisting your stomach where butterflies still were doing their usual job of messing with you.

"Hi" you tried with a small smile, shoving your hands inside your pockets so that you wouldn't lose your fingers.

Jooheon wished the fog that came out of his mouth as he breathed out had conveyed all of his messy thoughts to you, so that you could feel how torn you had left him for three weeks, so that you would help him sort things out, so that you would absorb them just like you had that Friday night, as he didn't even know what he was supposed to say to you right now ; he had just wished to see your face, selfishly, even if it was only for a short and bittersweet moment.

"How have you been doing?" he then asked randomly, the words falling from his plump lips he then bit in regret.

Your world was spinning twice faster now that it was revolving around Jooheon as its center of gravity again ; you could only see and hear him, your senses all gathered to focus on his person. Nevertheless, if three weeks ago the enchantment casted upon you had made you feel happy, this time, your encounter was crackling further your heart he had closed his doors to.

"Fine, and you?" you lied, so bad, yet you didn't want him to feel worse than you knew he already was, as even if you were distraught because you had failed in a relationship once more, you couldn't ignore the fact that Jooheon was suffering from his disappointment more than anything.

Your heart understood him through its aching, reason why your voice's tone had been sweet despite you, warming Jooheon's own bloody organ in the matter of a millisecond, warmth that spread inside his limbs and made him insensitive to the actual freezing weather. Some snowflakes had started to fall and were finding home in the free strands of your hair, and his burning left hand was weirdly craving to caress the white gown they were creating over your head until it'd disappear.

"Pretty fine too" his low voice vibrated through his chest, and another cloud of steam formed between your two faces, giving you the time to collect your expression so that he wouldn't notice how flustered you were.

"Anything you wished to tell me? Or else I'll get going I have a bus to catch in… 10 minutes" you insinuated that he had called you out for something precisely, and when his eyes fell down to the snowy pavement, you crumpled the insides of your pockets as the longer he was standing in front of you, the harder it was to fight the urge to assault him with questions and… Kisses?

The silence was weighty, and when Jooheon's pupils leveled up to yours once again, he noticed the thin line of water that was forming at the crease of your eyelids, killing him on the spot. Just like her, the sight of him was making you sad and uneasy, and he hated himself for that. Still what he despised more, was that he was putting you through the same thing that had eaten him alive the past months. He wished you had never met him and had simply fallen in love with some random guy, not being helplessly attracted to him because of a stupid law.

"I wanted to apologize on behalf of my friends, I can see you were quite embarrassed… They truly can be dumbasses sometimes, so sorry" he found the excuse on the spot, his improvisation impressing himself.

"Oh it's okay, they already apologized. It was Kihyun, he thought he was… Doing something good, I guess? He just doesn't get our situation" you brushed off as your brows had furrowed due to his surprising revelation.

"And I guess I wanted to check if you were okay" he suddenly admitted in a low yet steady tone that shook you to the core.

"Well you must know how it is, you've been through it" you sounded harsher than wanted, however, you couldn't blame your inner self for getting more and more sensitive while facing him.

You were right. Jooheon was more of a punition to you than anything else ; he knew it because he had lived in this empty feeling up 'til now. But couldn't he try to make you feel any better?

"Look, I'll take that as an opportunity to tell you face to face that I truly am sorry for what I did to you so… Yeah I'm sorry Y/N. I really wish you'll find someone good for you, you deserve it-"

"Jooheon, I told you I got you" you cut him, and the whisper of his name coming out of your freezing lips tranquilized its owner instantly. "Don't misunderstand what Kihyun just planned, I wasn't aware that you were coming either. I'm sorry but… Hearing you apologize and inducing that everything's over another time… Makes it kind of weird, I'm embarrassed right now."

You had become upset, as you had felt some kind of disappointment fall over you all of a sudden. Upset for having expected something to change with the time passing by ; for having felt the spark of excitement replacing your anger towards your colleague as soon as Jooheon had called your name ; for receiving his words like a good slap all over again when you had been supposed to let go and accept the reality of rejection three weeks ago already. Why did you keep on hoping?

You could already hear Jiwoo's voice scolding you with an "I told you!".

"Oh- I'm-"

"Don't" you smiled sadly. "Remember when she said sorry to you, did it make you feel any better?"

Jooheon's face contorted in displeasure and regret, and he passed a tensed left hand through his fluid hair, the locks enlightened by his shimmering red scar caressing them, and he cursed himself with thousands of insults inside his head. What had he been thinking?

"Someone told me that if your ideal leaves you, it means that you're not good for anyone else. So hearing you wishing me to find someone else… Kind of reminds me of this" you chuckled while looking away.

"Shit Y/N I'm so sor-… I didn't mean it that way, I just thought that apologizing to you face to face rather than behind a screen was at least more appropriate, because I know how it is to go through this so I was hoping to… Shit I don't know anymore" his words fell precipitately out of his mouth, and another wave of threatening tears accrued at the corner of your eyes.

"You don't have to feel guilty, okay? You should try to make yourself more comfortable with your choice, or else… Or else I'm gonna think that something's going on when there's not" you pursued with the same nervous laugh, your eyes dropping to your shoes as you nibbled at your lower lip. "So please… Don't worry, and don't be too harsh on yourself."

It had been as if you had read his inner emotions like they were scribbled on his face, finding what he couldn't point out in his mind then formulate, and soothing him with words to counter those insecurities. You never failed to find the right buttons to push at, and to his despair, you skimmed the one of his doubts, making his heart throb at the idea of taking risks that flashed through his mind.

"How come you're worrying about me when I'm the one who hurt you" he wondered aloud, before gasping as he heard his own voice that had betrayed him.

Because you cared for him. Because you could feel his pain now that he was near, your heart constricted under your ribcage the more you could read the guilt in his eyes that were begging for any sign of your forgiveness. Because apparently, the law left you no choice but to empathize with him no matter what he did, even if it included leaving you behind.

"I guess you know the answer since you experienced it too" you simply managed to answer before you would break into a sob. "I'll get going."

Something felt off in the way your exchange ended, Jooheon was even less at ease to part ways. He had apologized, to ensure that you would hear the sincerity of his excuses and to see you accept them ; but didn't it look like he had been looking for his inner peace rather than yours?

He could recognize himself in your reaction, as it had been the one he had adopted back when she had repeated the word "sorry" to him. However, he had been unable to hear the authenticity in her excuses as, just like you, all that remained was that you and him were being left behind no matter how guilty the one who was bidding goodbye felt.

But Jooheon didn't want you to experiment that loneliness, nor wanted the bright you to ostracize itself from everyday pleasures that would have brought a smile on your face before him ; so as your eyes were turning away from him as well as your figure, he spoke up :

"Why don't you stay?"

You faced him again and the unquavering look he conveyed to you made your heart jump up to your throat, yet ready to drop down at any second.

"What?"

"I said… Why don't you stay?" he reiterated, then gulped down his anticipation that had burned his rushed tongue.

You batted your eyelashes involuntarily as the incredulity galloped its way through your brain once you had processed his words.

"W-Why would I? Why would you want me to?"

"Because the guys are funny and nice, and because I liked it when we hanged together, it was cool" he simply stated, his brows going up on his forehead as he showcased a shrug.

"Is this a way for you to tell me we should be friends…?" you then asked ; however you weren't sure of how you would react if he ever came to say "yes".

"It is my way to tell you you shouldn't leave because of my stupid ass when you could spend a good evening with some dorks to make you laugh" he retorted.

His eyes were shining with expectation and maybe mischief, a cocktail that sparked some excitement in you and tickled your limbs to the point you almost returned him a warm smile as you could see how bad he was trying to make up for what he did – or thought he did – to you.

"At least you acknowledge the fact that you're stupid" you managed to joke, earning a shy chuckle from him. "Thanks but no, actually I'm pretty tired and I'm glad I escaped this situation with Kihyun because I would have had a short night, when tomorrow we need to finish some project…"

Jooheon's hand caressed his nape slowly as he nodded in understanding, and this time he was the one feeling the ache of disappointment when he probably shouldn't. Indeed, it was easier to let go behind a mobile phone's screen ; but now that this wall of fake-confidence wasn't there to help playing the cool ones, Jooheon felt like you could see how torn he was when you were supposed to believe that he was okay with his own decision.

"Alright…" his words trailed as well as his gaze on you, to the point you shivered as if you had been naked under the snow falling above your two dizzy heads.

You had found the courage to turn away a second time, when a last thought popped up in your mind, thought your tongue felt obliged to convey to him who had remained in his spot, watching you take a few steps away on the pavement.

"Oh and Jooheon" you spoke up with a small smile over your shoulder. "Just start practicing football again already. I saw you at the futsal on Kihyun's Instagram stories two days ago and you looked… Really happy. I think… That's actually the first step you need to take, y'know, to feel better with yourself, then maybe with life in general?"

These had been the only images and news you had had of him during the past three weeks, and you just had remembered how he had glowed with serenity and simple joy as he had been filmed kicking the ball with his friends. This was the Jooheon you wished for him to be, this was the bright version of him you thought deserved to be on full-time display, this was the self-love you wished he could give himself when you couldn't do it for him anymore.

"Thanks Y/N you're… Literally a good person like it's crazy."

But not good enough, once again, you thought.

"Comforting the guy who did you wrong and so on…" he breathed out.

You cared for him, so much that you hadn't been able to leave him on that awkward note, so much that your quavering heart felt at ease to see his lips draw a shy smile as he seemingly had been touched by your kind advice.

"Bye, then" you almost whispered to end up this conversation that could turn up to something too emotional in no time.

Another goodbye, less sour yet not that sweet as you both parted ways not as lovers, neither as friends, just as two hurt people who couldn't speak their hearts and minds up but only feel how confused they were. And if you were entangled invisibly to each other by the red string of fate, you still had to separate ways another time, and you finally turned your back on him. It was as if you were walking against the current, your whole soul pulled back to him who was looking at that beautiful silhouette he should let go of without regrets, his umpteenth sigh still not conveying his doubts to you.

*

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*  

Kihyun was looking at you from the corner of his half-closed eyes, and you were hesitating between smashing his head or simply laugh at his evidently dull state.

"I-I'm sorry…" he finally blurted out in a hushed voice, and the chuckle that had lurked deep inside your throat escaped despite you.

"About what? Your conspiracy that got me cornered and facing your friend in an embarrassing way, or the fact that you're a zombie on the day when you're supposed to be helping our team by being productive?"

You were waiting with your back against the wall in front of the meeting room, your files safely guarded under your crossed arms that covered your chest trembling due to stress. Your mind had to be at its best condition all day long so that at the end of this brainstorming, your Project manager would be satisfied and no more worried about one of the next huge events you had been offered to organize.

"I guess both, I messed up pretty badly…" Kihyun regretted as he pinched his nose bridge and you couldn't prevent your eyes from rolling up before they dropped on his pale figure.

"Oh yes you did, you moron" you sighed. "I hope your performing brain will help us as usual, or else if I die by the hands of the manager, you're dying with me."

Your team partner laughed tiredly before nodding, his briefcase held tight in his hand that was shivering as well, because of the little night he had spent and the anticipation getting on his nerves. While New Year's Eve was right around the corner, your team had already been picturing itself in the next decade. You had been assigned to draft an event destined to celebrate the merge of two small but successful companies – a Korean and a Chinese one. They had contacted you so you'd make them dream in the early spring of 2020, and the burden was real as the more time passed by, the more you were building a reputation, and the less you could allow yourselves to do any mistake.

The few instructions you had been given were that the clients were seeking for something fancy enough, and that they wished to invite all their employees so that they could get to know each other and learn to work together on good terms for the future. And those exact good terms, mainly depended on the successful night you would offer them as well as the few sponsors and investors who had been put on the guest list, so that they would never be able to forget about it but mostly be convinced to stick to a firm that treated them well.

Thankfully for you – and hungover Kihyun –, the meeting went well as you had been more prepared than you thought you would be in the midst of the confusion that plagued over your brain. So prepared, that the third idea you had come up with of renting a boat earned the votes and the trust of your Project Manager who complimented you on this plan you had worked hard on ever since the end of the National Federation of Football's party.

You finally looked back on how you had devoted yourself to work in order to forget about your heartache, and thanked your determined spirit as it had definitely paid off. This event truly had been your loophole to escape, only for a few hours within a day though, from your sickening thoughts about your love life.

"Oh right, about the staff we will need on the boat, I heard from the Korean firm that they have special recommendations they want to discuss with us about before we actually call our partners" Himchan informed you. "There are some people they worked with for previous events and who they trust so they'd like to have them on that night as well.

*

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*

Three months-and-a-bit later.

 You should have taken a closer look at the pile of folders containing the-said wanted workers your project manager had then handed to you that morning instead of leaving it on your desk to welcome some dust, because you would have been less appalled on the D-Day, as you were about to face your big clients.

Kihyun, Jiwoo and you quietly sat in the largest and fanciest of rooms in your building, organizing your ideas and files before the grand meeting. Like every single time even if you should have gotten used to it, your heart was ravaging your ribcage with great kicks of its own, and you felt hot as if you were in August under the sun of Madrid, and not in mid-March. Finally, the main door opened and Himchan entered with a reassuring smile pulling his traits, shortly followed by the two communication managers of the companies as well as their respective secretaries, a young woman and man.

You had exchanged a lot of e-mails and phone calls with the assistants during the past weeks, so you could say that you were pretty excited to finally get to talk to them without the barrier of a digital screen. The girl had been full of energy and had always asked if you needed help, reminding you of yourself in a way, while the male secretary had been quite formal but you had perceived a real kindness between the lines.

Yet, as soon as your eyes met the ones of the latter who translated the Chinese greeting of his chief for your knowledge, your left palm was set on fire, with the famous pleasuring pain that itched your skin and illuminated your… Heart-line.

You gave him a shy smile as you guessed he felt it too, the situation quite embarrassing when you were meeting at your workplace with all the eyes to see and a huge deal to conclude, however you observed with excitement the quick changing of expression on his face, his pupils suddenly darkening and pinning you to your chair, his lips parting slightly before he bit the lower one for a short moment, and his cheeks and ears reddening in no time.

Don't tell me…

He finally greeted you with a polite bow before taking place in the seat exactly facing yours, and you could read in his rushed attitude that he was flustered. While your team manager was delivering his speech, the guy started translating in real-time, mumbling the words while bending closely to his boss, who nodded and smiled as he progressively understood he was welcomed and thanked for having put his trust in your company.

You used his busy state as an opportunity to have a longer look at the figure of a new compatible man with you, and you could say you were quite flattered as the first word that came to mind to describe him was-

"Handsome. He's freaking handsome. You've been mailing this handsome guy, wow, your luck is real Y/N" Jiwoo whispered to your attention, quietly enough so you'd be the only one to hear that cringy remark and you nodded absent-mindedly, a smirk making its way to the corners of your mouth.

That handsome man was compatible with you, how lucky you were, indeed. He had chestnut blonde hair, slicked back and parted neatly with probably some wax, and his facial features were dangerously close to perfect. An angular nose, almond shaped eyes, thick and straight eyebrows, a peachy appealing mouth which covered an aligned dentition he finally showcased as he beamed at you once he had worded his name :

"Good morning, my name is Qian Jie, nice to meet you all."

"And I'm Jeon Jiwoo" your colleague pressed while passing a hand in her hair, and you had to sew your lips so that you wouldn't cackle before her childish behavior.

"I'm Y/L/N Y/N, nice to finally meet you too."

His eyes fell on your face once again and you were sure this time he was blushing, either because his grey turtleneck under his dark anthracite costume was too hot now that he wasn't braving the wind outside ; either because, just like you a month ago, he was staring at…

His ideal.

It was your turn to blush at this absurd idea and you shook your head from the left to the right to reason yourself ; the world was little, but this just couldn't be.

"I'm Jang Sora, I'm glad to meet you all as well, and to see you again, Kihyun" a feminine voice resounded in your ears and you finally paid attention to the woman secretary who was smiling at you then at your colleague who suddenly looked flustered.

"I'd never imagined we'd meet again under these circumstances" Kihyun nodded.

"You two know each other?" your manager asked enthusiastically.

The dark-haired girl chuckled, eyes with a single eyelid shining as if they had taken a ray of sun outside to illuminate them in a light brown, then she spoke up again :

"Yes, we happened to hang together a while ago, friends of friends!"

Kihyun was hanging his head low, and you could decipher how he forced a smile as he obviously was swimming under a sea of discomfort. Who was she to put the unwavering Yoo Kihyun in such a state? She definitely looked charismatic, young but surely experimented, just like what she had showed you through mails and voice calls as she started leading the discussion by relaying accurate and precise questions while her chief only came in to speak in the name of his own boss : what he liked, disliked, wanted, feared. They embodied a powerful business duet that got you talking to them with precautions and staying on your toes to be sure you were convincing enough and show them you hadn't been idle all this time.

On the other hand, your compatible match was still translating everything, would it be what you said or what his manager said, but what disturbed you more than his handsomeness and your burning hand was the fact that he kept on kissing your silhouette with his eyes. The few times you dared to support his gaze, you came across an unreadable expression, between warm and intense, something that gave you the chills as you were thrilled to be the one receiving such attention in a long time.

"About the workers, we sent you their profiles, did you receive them?" Sora asked while combing her bangs with a quick hand move, and you took the pile in your hands with a smile.

"They're right here, but we haven't contacted them yet as we wanted to confirm the place with you above all! Is there any priority between them, so that we know who to call first?" you looked her in the eyes and she nodded vigorously, accepting the files you slid on the table to her side.

"Let's see… Yes, there's those three, and… this one. They've worked with us for a few events and were well appreciated, we would like it if they were to be here again. They knew our directors' preferences in each area so they might be useful to you and the other staff you'd hire!"

Out of seven recommendations, she pushed four of them back to you fully opened, and when your eyes caught the sight of a familiar ID photography as if it was the only thing filling the white page resuming the professional experience, you almost gasped.

Lee Jooheon.

With a solemn face and short black hair, the boy of your dreams was watching you from his laid-down position, his sharp eyes, as diminished as they were in the small picture, still catching your breath and provoking exhilarating sensations in your body. The attention of your teammates diverted towards you as quickly as a finger snap, and you did your best to bottle your flustered state deep down in your twisted stomach as you had to remain professional and not let your personal matters mingle with your work ones. You couldn't object even if you wanted to ; but it burned your tongue and made your ears ring as the same thought kept banging in your head : Why? How? Why? How? WHY?

Somehow, you heard Kihyun shifting in his chair before the opened file of your ideal disappeared in his hands, and when you leveled up your pupils, you could read in the look Sora was giving your colleague that she particularly cared for this candidate.

"I'll contact this one" he informed as he lowered the papers for his eyes to shoot question marks at his interlocutor, who nodded in consideration.

_______

You knew the world was small, as in this very room, had been sitting a man compatible with you when he should have been just a business partner.

However, you didn't know yours would keep on spinning around Lee Jooheon for so long after that last encounter at the bar three months ago, or else you would have prepared yourself for this kind of coincidence to happen anytime. Or else, this situation wouldn't have felt as if Sora had taken a knife and rammed it over your wound all over again. Or else, you wouldn't have been that devastated right after the end of the meeting, completely forgetting about Jie as you were pacing round and round in the rest area, for Kihyun to watch.

Because while everyone in the room had been sharing his or her advice until they were satisfied with the terms of the negotiations, your mind had been half occupied by the task of making the link the between the care in Sora's eyes, the discomfort between her and your colleague, and the re-apparition of your soulmate. And the conclusion you had come to find was…

"That's her, right?" you barked at Kihyun who jolted in surprise at your little burst out. "That's his ex!"

"Lower your voice, they're still here!" he warned you. "And yes, she is" he then shrugged.

"You saw her name in the contracts, right? Why didn't you tell me?! This is so embarrassing!" you ruffled your hair and threw an accusing look at him.

How come the law, or maybe life in general, were so determined to mess up with you? Did they wish to see the vise tighten itself around you to the point it would feel like you definitely couldn't escape from this? Were you between the hands of a sadist pulling at the strings that would ridicule you the most?

"So what if she's his ex? What does it change? You would have refused to take part in the project? We are working here!" your colleague and friend answered, his tone inducing that he was a bit annoyed.

Yet, he marked a point and you grumbled in defeat, his face now showing he was completely unphased by your anger – angering you even more.

"This is so embarrassing Kihyun, I don't know where to hide myself right now" you then moaned while rubbing your blushing face with your panicked hands.

"Because you don't have to hide! I repeat : what if she's his ex?" Kihyun emphasized, less and less sure that he could follow your train of thoughts.

"What are you going to do with him?" you ignored his question because, well, you didn't have an answer to it.

The sigh that left his thin lips was so displeasing to hear.

"I'm gonna call him and propose him the offer, just like I am supposed to do" he explained in a calm tone, hoping it would help you to calm down too.

Your eyes came across his and even more than his sigh, his stern expression wasn't to your liking, at all. First his trap at the bar, now this secret information that could have helped you digest the whole thing better ; he might be the one wanting you to have a heart attack, in the end.

Your new year's resolution had been to move on from Lee Jooheon and to stop considering love as a priority for a while, and you had been doing quite fine up 'til now. Why? Because you hadn't seen his face ever since that night on the sidewalk, or more exactly, you had avoided it or anything that could remind you of him like some kind of bacteria. Posts of Kihyun on social medias? Muted, as well as his voice when he made the mistake to pronounce his name – one killing stare and that was it. The club he worked at? Banned from your options to have a funny night. The TV corner talking about football and his great return? You knew exactly its time slot depending on the day now. And positive thoughts? Always welcomed, as well as the flirting with some guys on dating apps or at your friends' parties. He had been doing well without you in the meantime, retrieving his old life, so why shouldn't you?

"Stop looking at me like that" you hissed through gritted teeth, wishing to smack Kihyun's confident expression out of his face.

"Like what? Like I'm hearing some bullshit coming out of your mouth? Sorry but that's actually the case so I can't help it" he then smiled cockily, and strangely enough, your cheeks tickled as he made you want to laugh at yourself as well.

You knew you were overreacting, but you couldn't help it. Why did it suddenly feel like the carefree attitude you had adopted was as fragile as a house of cards, ready to get whisked away by what you only saw as a storm coming right at you?

If every single effort you had put in forgetting about Lee Jooheon had paid off, then why were you panicking? The thought that maybe you had been more of an impostor than you'd like to admit was turning your blood cold.

"You're going to hide it from him too? And the fact that she actually recommended him?" you asked your partner while regaining your composure.

"So that's what's actually bugging you, I see…" Kihyun nodded, the smirk still present on his pale face.

"Of course it is!" your lingering care for him spoke for itself. "It means she's still interested in him, and if they meet again… If they meet again…"

You didn't want to imagine it. As much as you certainly didn't wish to see him at all, you needed even less to witness him shattering in front of his ex when she had already turned him into a mess. Or worse, to watch their romance bloom all over again if you ever had read her eyes rightly, and to feel uncomfortable, if not hurt.

"I don't want to see it, no thanks." you told yourself aloud, and to your surprise, Kihyun got what you meant with only those few words.

"You won't see it. You know why? Because the man she works for, the manager we saw earlier, is her ideal, and they're actually dating, she left Jooheon for this guy. She just has affection and surely pity for him. I'm sure she wants to see him again just to be sure he's doing fine because she cares about him in a way."

"Then did you think of him? Did you think of how hurt he'd be to see them together?" you pointed out his negligence that seemed to keep on revealing itself ever since his questionable choice back at the bar.

Kihyun chuckled at your worries and crossed his arms, looking at you tenderly this time.

"You sound pretty concerned for someone who's proclaimed herself as, I quote, "careless about boys" just a few days ago for the umpteenth time..."

"I-I'm just empathic, unlike you it seems" you scoffed with a shrug.

"I am always thinking of my brothers first. And what I am thinking nowadays about him, is that you resolve trauma by trauma. Trust me, Y/N, I was wrong at the bar last time, but right now, I know what I'm doing."

Every single pore of his skin, every single inch of his posture were screaming that he actually did know what he was doing, his confidence emanating from him like a glowing and powerful aura, so much that it chased the cloud of panic you had been struggling in away.

"You always have the last word, huh?" you sighed before it faded into a smile.

"That's why we always conclude contracts, I'm the best at convincing. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a phone call to make…" he crooned as he walked away with Jooheon's number and nickname displaying on his phone's screen, and you caressed your flushed cheeks before sighing again, the anticipation pressuring your lungs.

Suddenly – but not so surprisingly…– you wished to meet him again. Your shell had indeed been made of glass, as your inner voice was already whining that you wanted him to be there on that night. And bitterly, you realized that you had moved on, yes, but not far enough ; you had let go, yes, but not of everything.

You felt so upset to see that you had definitely been convincing yourself half-heartedly. But well, that colleague and supposedly friend of yours was definitely not helping.

"Y/N, you forgot your stuff in the room" Himchan informed you as he walked past the rest area, followed by the very ex and her actual boyfriend you bowed to.

You sprinted towards the meeting room, hoping it would be empty so that you could groan loudly once and for all to evacuate the weight of distress crashing your ribcage. She was so pretty, so well-mannered, so determined, so professional, so feminine, that it made you feel like a naked worm who just deserved to be left alone in the dirt, and nowhere near the blooming flower she was. You were no competition for her, and she was the perfection Jooheon deserved according to the law ; how come you had expected anything?

Some unwelcomed tears came to play with your eyelids, as if your body was laughing at you by trying to make you properly pitiful. Three months had gone by, but your stomach still twisted at the sight of his picture? REALLY?

"Excuse me, Miss Y/L/N?" a voice as soft as velvet smoothed your eardrums that had been buzzing for the last two minutes, and you looked back to thank with your eyes the one who had prevented you from becoming deaf and suffering from a harsh headache.

And that very person happened to be the one whose way of ending your sentences and picturing your ideas as if you had drawn them yourself in his mind had petrified you in the same meeting room earlier, and now just his gaze did in the corridor as he smiled broadly before approaching your shaken figure.

Jie truly was handsome and beyond chic, making him intimidating but not in a negative way, just one that made you respect and admire him without even knowing him inside-out. He could be compared to the handsome main character in a manga before whom the girl – and the reader as well – was losing the strength in her limbs.

"I wished to ask you earlier but you disappeared quite quickly… Would you like to meet tomorrow night for a team gathering, with your colleagues? We've been working together for a while now but we haven't been able to talk properly without a working context, I thought it would be nice for our teams to get to know each other in a friendly manner" he offered, to your great surprise.

The idea was not so bad, and you knew that when it came to going out for a drink, your teammates were always the first ones to respond positively.

"Oh yes, that's a great initiative! Thanks for proposing!" you smiled, and realized that you felt more at ease ever since he was facing you, as if the air around you was fresh and clean, not thick and overpowering.

He seemed to relax as he heard your answer, then he took in a sharp breath before asking :

"Then… Can I have your personal number? I only have the one from your office… So that I can tell you the time and address?"

Bold move. Had he been anyone else, you would have not seen anything else than a professional and nice proposition ; however, something in your guts was telling you there was more to it. From the way his eyes were always so dark and sparkly when they crossed your stare, from the way he smiled confidently but his cheeks were flushed, from the way he had dared to stand so close to you… You could recognize your own flirty behavior from the night at the club when you had met Jooheon, and as scared as you were to admit it, you were 97% sure that you were his ideal one.

The question was : was it fate that you had crossed paths? And if yes, should you give it a try? This man had no choice but to like you and wish to stay by your side, or at least the chances were slimmer for him to leave like every man before him had, however… However, why did you feel like you were cheating on Jooheon as you grasped his phone between your shy fingers to type your number, when the guy was supposed to be nothing but a souvenir you should free yourself of?

Jie happily took the device back and shoved it into his blazer's pocket, and after one last long glance at your traits, he left to look for his boss. Unbeknownst to you who had still read the other signs, his heart was pounding under his chest and his head was busy thinking of you until the next day when you were about to meet again.

*

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Qian Jie [11:15 a.m.] : Hello Y/N, this is Jie. I hope you had a great morning. I'm texting you to send the address and time as agreed. Here is the map with the location. Let's say we should meet at 8.30 p.m., is that okay with you? 😊

You were the last one to show up at the fancy dining bar, which was already full of university students, co-workers, friends on a hangout or even loners, all sitting around barbecue plates grilling fresh meat and vegetables. The scent of alcohol and food stimulated your buds and your mouth watered as you wandered between the tables, looking for familiar faces.

And the familiar face you finally spotted was the one of a blonde man smiling while grilling some piece of what you guessed was beef, and as if he had sensed you coming, Jie immediately leveled up his eyes to meet yours. Your left hand heated up in no time, but less than your cheeks as you could clearly read in his stare that he was finding you… Pretty. His pupils scanned your silhouette quickly from head to toes, before he came right back at your face and his cheekbones reddened a bit as he finally gave you the biggest of smiles.

He pressed himself to move his things that had been displayed on the seat next to him, and he then silently motioned you to come and take the place he had just arranged. Had he done it on purpose? Probably. Did you find it cute? Maybe. Noticing his agitated and excited state, everyone at the table finally turned around or stopped looking at their phones to acknowledge you, and your colleagues all exclaimed :

"Y/N! Finally!"

"What took you so long?" Jiwoo, who was sitting at the far end of the table – and consequently at the opposite of the seat you were supposed to take at Jie's side – asked you with a sly smile, as during the day, you had finally confessed to her who you thought that handsome man was to you, or more accurately, who you were to him.

You had been quite embarrassed to tell her as you knew she had found him pretty attractive, but Jiwoo never ceased to surprise you with her cheerful state which never betrayed an ounce of jealousy. Surprised you as well, because if she was then sitting far away from Jie, she seemed to have found another target in the teammates from Sora's company. Indeed, each secretary had brought their coworkers responsible of the communication about the event or supposed to help you, your group then occupying at least three tables.

What had taken you so long, had been firstly the tasks you had wished to finish before leaving the building, and also your hard time choosing your outfit. In a way, you had wished to look pretty, but it wasn't exactly because of Jie's presence ; it was more because you were utterly conscious of Sora's. You had dreaded all day long to meet her – and her boyfriend – again, as you felt intimidated and embarrassed to be working with Jooheon's ex. That very ex whom he couldn't get over, and who, in a way, had deprived you of a relationship you had been dreaming of for so long.

You had then opted for a corduroy camel dress with large straps, wore over an oversized shirt, as well as comfortable boots and your favorite jacket. You considered you were right at the middle between casual and feminine ; at least, you felt pretty enough to finally take a seat next to Jie whose masculine yet fresh cologne hit you more than the smell of meat.

"Forgive me, I had to finish up a few things, the company's closed for three days in a row so I won't be able to work" you explained to Jiwoo and the rest of your team after everyone at the table had introduced themselves, and Kihyun chuckled at your remark.

"I hope you're going to take a break for the week-end and not think of work" he then inquired as he poured you some beer.

"You have a long week-end? How lucky of you!" Sora suddenly exclaimed with her hands clasping, making her boyf-… Her boss, laugh before his lips touched his glass.

God, it was painted all over his face ; he just loved her. His eyes were bearing an enamored spark as they landed on her, his long lashes giving them something so tender you felt chills on your arms just by watching.

You secretly wished someone – Lee Jooheon – would look at you like that. Oh but, Lee Jooheon had probably looked at her like that back in their days. Lucky her.

Before you could slap yourself to get out of your pitiful thoughts and way too envious state so that you could actually enjoy your night, Jie's smooth voice resounded in your eardrums :

"You want some?" he asked while holding a piece of meat between the pliers in his left hand, and you finally saw it.

Shining so brightly, looking more vivid than the heating charcoal under the barbecue plate in front of him, his life-line was lightened for you to see. You had been right : you were his ideal. You couldn't do anything except for nodding as this revelation and his two dark eyes boring into yours caught you off guard.

Was that him actually looking at you lovingly, like that, as you had just wished?

"Let me make you a wrap then" he smiled as he turned away from you to work on his preparation.

Your eyes dropped on his veiny forearms that were revealed as he had rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt to his elbows, before they dared to spy his profile. It was neat, as if sculpted in marble, as if borrowed from a manhwa. His hair looked wet on purpose and were combed back with the same hairstyle as the day before, yet a few strands were falling before his forehead, probably having lost the battle against the breeze outside. Was it because you felt lonely that you suddenly found him really attractive? Probably, because your heartbeat hadn't changed. However, at the thought that you were the girl of this man's fantasies, waves of heat came crashing against your skin and you bit your lip.

Was it a coincidence that he showed up now, or a sign that your heart should give a chance for another man to take it?

As Jie handed the piece of meat and lettuce neatly folded to you, you felt in his eyes that he was conveying a bit of his emotions at the same time, as something really sweltering was sparkling in them and lit up a tiny flame down your stomach. That man was so elegant and charming, and he dreamed to be with someone like you.

But that elegance and charm weren't the only great things you could list to describe him. As the dinner went on, you did your best to turn a blind eye on Sora's presence at the table and ended up chatting with Jie and his colleagues, whom you discovered were all good at Korean or English, and pretty nice. But Jie was always the nicest, the gentlest, the smartest, the fiercest of them all, at least in your eyes as you stared at him shamelessly.

He had dimples, just like Jooheon, but you quickly came to the conclusion that it was the only thing the two men had in common, probably explaining why the little light Jie's eyes had turned on inside you had soon been eaten by the remaining feelings Jooheon apparently still put you through just at the thought of him.

Jie was reserved, calm, hard-working. You came to understand that he was at least two years older than you, making you somehow shy and impressed. And you could read, in the eyes of his co-workers that gradually were turning red because of the soju you were sharing, that they all had a huge respect and admiration for him.

He was the perfect businessman every team would wish to work with : a good listener and an opportunity giver as he always asked about the quiet ones' opinions ; a responsible and wary person as he warned a teammate about how he should stop drinking because he had to meet his wife back home ; a polite mediator when he sensed that someone's remark could offend others, starting to calmly show to that person how rude he or she had been, or explaining his or her words so that everyone felt equally understood and not attacked.

And even though he didn't look like it, he was a funny guy. A timid one, but his jokes and his lovely smiles never failed to spread the happiness on the rest of the table's faces. He looked icy on the outside, having the silhouette of the serious secretary tightly gripped in his suit and shoes ; however, with how he remembered everyone's preferences when cooking the meat – including yours –, you could see that he was very warm.

On top of that, you truly felt how the law had made you a match to him, as he always seemed to complete your trail of thoughts, opening your eyes to another view you hadn't seen yet ; as he sensed when you didn't wish to drink anymore, stopping his teammates when they insisted to pour you a glass ; as he looked like he was eager to hear anything coming from your mouth, generously complimenting you for what you had achieved but without ever crossing the line where it would be too much.

Qian Jie was undeniably a sweet, sweet man, a man who embodied the perfect groom every mom would wish for her daughter to join at the end of the aisle ; nevertheless, objective perfection wasn't yours, and so the law was telling you.

Because, sadly for him, you couldn't help but compare his traits to your own ideal once you had drunk and eaten enough to do it without feeling your stomach knot.

It wasn't that Jooheon couldn't fit with the words warm, calm, or caring ; it just wasn't the same. Jooheon was more mischievous, more spontaneous and care-free when it came to talk about life stuff. On the few Instagram stories Kihyun had shared, you had seen him lose his temper during the futsal, or laugh and shout like a dork when he scored a goal. During the time you had spent chit-chatting with him at the bar or texting him afterwards, you had been attracted to his mysterious side, but his bubbly one had drawn you to him even more. It was that very spark that you liked, that insouciant charm he had, which certainly had been distraught by Sora but still managed to manifest itself from behind the walls Jooheon had built.

Just like his hair, Jooheon was fire, when Jie was water. The first one was full of passionate feelings to express, so much that he was about to break, so much that he was impulsive just like he had been that night with you ; when the latter seemed to prefer the smoothest of ways, always putting much thought in his actions and wordings, even in a situation where he had alcohol thickening his blood and was supposedly struck by the powers of the law.

You then wondered : what was the law's message to you? How come your ideal was fire, when you were supposed to suit water? Was it that you should trouble Jie's flow of life and make it more exciting and wilder, or that you should've canalized the flames so that Jooheon wouldn't burn himself anymore?

______

"Let's play a game! Girls versus boys, c'mon!" Changmin, the guy from your team who was the same age as yours, suddenly shouted, with his rosy cheeks inducing that he had swallowed a lot of booze.

You all agreed cheerfully and started exchanging seats, and in all the haste you accidentally ended up next to Sora, realizing then that you were going to get paired with her. She smiled at you immediately, and you wished she had been less beautiful, less kind, less lovely as she started a conversation with you while the boys were still struggling to understand the game's rules. Just as Jie and Jooheon were a world apart from each other, you felt diminished next to her, crumbling under the pile of differences you were spotting between the both of you.

You compared yourself again and again, as she shared with you her story about how she managed to climb up the ladder in her company at such a young age, as she envied your imagination but had the audacity and business-logic you lacked in, as she was so damn adorable that you could understand why Jooheon's heart hadn't turned to you at once. And if you couldn't see any flaws in him plausibly because the law was blinding you, this time you had your eyes fully opened as you watched and beamed at her, yet you couldn't pinpoint any flaws in her as well. You then imagined how hard it must be to fall out of love with someone like her, and how hard Jooheon must believe that he would never find better .

"Hello? Oh hey Jooheon!" Kihyun suddenly shouted over the ambient noise and his eyes instantly narrowed at you, a sickening smile twisting the corners of that filthy mouth of his.

You looked back at him as your body tensed up ; your ears did their best to catch the slightest word from this conversation ; your hands crumpled the napkin on your lap ; and your heart simply stopped beating as it had ascended up to your throat.

"Really? You're not kidding? You're taking the job?!" he exclaimed loud enough for you to hear. "Aaaaah you thought well my son, I can't wait to be your boss! You should be nice to me or I'll reduce your pay… Anyway good choice mate! Where I am? I'm out drinking and eating with Y/N and other colleagues!"

The way he insisted on your name punched an iron fist into your chest, which grabbed your bloody organ and pulled it down your throat to your stomach. Sora was right next to you and you could bet that she was listening too. What was he doing, putting on a show, all the while staring at you?!

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, you cursed him through squinted eyes, and when you turned your attention back to your game partner, she was looking at you with surprisingly fond eyes.

However, she didn't say a word and simply grabbed your hands gently as Changmin told you to do so, and the game began, with a lot of laughter, too much mistakes and shouts, and thankfully, it stole your time to realize that you definitely were going to meet him again under those weird circumstances. Changmin sounded like he was full of crazy ideas tonight, as he shouted again, with his high-pitched voice :

"Let's go to the Golden Tiger! We're regulars there, we'll have some discounts! I like all of you so I want to treat you all with the company card!"

You suddenly felt as if you were going under a high fever, chills sliding down your skin while your head started spinning. Why that club, out of all the others? There were plenty of party sites in Seoul, why would he think of the one Jooheon works in? There were too much of coincidences in a short time, too much for you at least.

"I think I'll go home" you shyly muttered after a few seconds of zoning out and you stood up clumsily, hoping to escape as you knew your coworkers could turn into sharp traps clenching your ankle and preventing you to flee the scene.

You obviously knew that going down there was going to result in you losing your reason as you were completely disturbed by the love triangle you were tangled in. You would end up doing crazy things to evacuate all your stress, such as such as going to Jooheon's counter and bawl your eyes out before him because you felt empty and way too emotional after having spent the night with his ex. With that very ex to watch and him only paying attention to her and not to your ridiculous state, on top of that. This scenario was close to the one of a nightmare, and it was definitely a no-no.

You spanned the bench you had been seating on and everyone followed your lead, thinking you were pressed to go clubbing when you actually just couldn't stay in place and wished to run away as fast as you could. Once outside, your heels were bouncing slightly on the pavement, as you clutched your phone against your heart while the rest of the group was busy paying for your food, going to the restroom or trying to light a cigarette in spite of the breeze. Then, as you were about to bid them goodbye, Sora's voice was suddenly heard delivering the same excuse as yours, but with an alibi no one could question :

"I think we'll go home, that mister obviously can't follow" she struggled to say with a smile as she had the arm of her boyfriend hooked around her neck, his legs apparently giving up on him and making him completely lean on her, with his head down.

"Where do you think you're going?" Jiwoo threw darts at you with her eyes as she could guess from your moving figure that you were impatiently waiting for the moment to slip away.

"I'm-"

"Y/N, can I have a word with you for a second?" Sora suddenly called you out behind your back as she tossed her boss's body over to one of their colleagues who whined at how heavy he was.

Cold sweat ran down your spine and you gulped, your body always suffering from high tension whenever your eyes met hers.

"What is it?" you asked her after having taken a few steps away with her at your side, your tongue heavy and your cheeks completely flushed.

Even though the fresh air was stimulating your senses, they were quite altered by the effects of alcohol. You hadn't drunk that much, yet you had barely managed to stuff something to eat down your throat, too immersed into Jie's doings next to you, when you hadn't been thinking about Jooheon.

Through your half-closed eyelids, you could still see that the young woman was somehow hesitant, swaying from one foot to another and her fingers fiddling with each other. She bit her lip as she looked up at you, before grabbing your shoulders.

"Look… I'm sorry but I can't help saying what's been on my mind… I think… You know me" she started with a smile, and your tension suddenly went up to its limit, making you dizzier than you already were. "Or should I say, you know Jooheon, and through him… You know who I was to him. I read it in your eyes on the day of the meeting, and I read it on your face tonight, when he called."

You felt so ashamed that you wished a black hole could suck you up in an instant far away from her grasp and her eyes still looking at you caringly.

"I just wanted to tell you that you don't have to feel uncomfortable with me around! We are working together and he'll be there on the ship. To be honest, I wished Jooheon could meet someone after me who made him realize I wasn't the best for him, and if that's you- Oh my god sorry this sounds weird" she pressed her words. "I just think you're such a cool girl, Y/N. I haven't seen Kihyun trying so obviously hard in a while, he wouldn't if he didn't think you were too! I hope you two last long!"

_______

"What's going on between them?" Kihyun asked as his eyes fell on his friend's ex and you, the concern clear in his voice as he had just stepped out of the dining bar.

"I don't know, but Y/N wants to leave" Jiwoo grumbled before shivering as a whirlwind shrouded her body and messed with her light blonde hair.

"Ah…" your colleague sighed before taking his phone out to answer to his last message.

Kihyun [11:30 p.m.] : Dude, we're going to your club, is there a free table for the twelve of us?

My kid Jooheon [11:36 p.m.] : TWELVE?

My kid Jooheon [11:36 p.m.] : I'll see what I can do, but you better pay the bill tonight not like the last time, I'll never be nice to you again

My kid Jooheon [11:36 p.m.] : AND STOP TEXTING ME WHEN I'M AT WORK FFS

Kihyun [11:38 p.m.] : Well you're answering anyways, thanks I love yooooou

My kid Jooheon [11:39 p.m.] : Y/N's coming?

Kihyun [11:45 p.m.] : Oh, weird question isn't it, you never ask abt her

Kihyun [11:45 p.m.] : But I don't think so man

My kid Jooheon [11:46 p.m.] : Ah… I hope that's not because of me, I don't want her to miss a great night like she did last time at the bar

Kihyun [11:46 p.m.] : You're still thinking of this? Shit I guess I really messed up that time wow

[Unread message] Jooheon [11:46 p.m.] : Oh really no kidding

Kihyun [11:48 p.m.] : She's a bit drunk right now so I just think she's tired

Kihyun was lying, because he was well aware of your reasons without you wording it to him ; however, he couldn't make his friend feel worse than he already was.

My kid Jooheon [11:49 p.m.] : Someone's taking her home, right?

Kihyun [11:49 p.m.] : I don't know, she's about to leave now

My kid Jooheon [11:50 p.m.] : Ok…

My kid Jooheon [11:50 p.m.] : I know it's awkward of me to ask but… Just don't let her walk home alone, please

______

"I got rejected" you had managed to reply to Sora in the meantime.

Her rant had killed you on the spot, her kindness completely fired up with alcohol and drifting to something close to indiscretion without her wanting it to. You knew her words weren't meant to hurt you, but it still did.

She was so desperate to have Jooheon moving on, to lessen the burden on her shoulders, the weight of the pain she had caused obviously still tormenting her. Just like him trying with you, she was seeking for a way to his happiness on his behalf, but in your eyes, it was mainly in order to make up for her guilt.

"Y/N!" Kihyun suddenly ran up the pavement to you, pushing discretely his phone in his pocket as he wished to keep his last conversation a complete secret and try to execute his "mission".

"Yes?" you threw a jaded stare at him.

You didn't have the strength to deal with two people wishing for a relationship between Jooheon and you  to happen when you knew better than them that the latter didn't want to see it bloom to begin with. You were too tired to prove them wrong and fight against their concerns that were anything but touching at this point. Your lower lip started to tremble as you gave Kihyun a pleading, defeated look ; you were on the verge of breaking into a set of tears as you wished for nothing except for you to be safe and sound in your apartment, falling asleep so that this long night would be put to an end and another day would come quicker. A day where you'd be back to your strong-self dealing amazingly with her feelings and her everyday life without romance like she had promised herself to do.

"Y/N, let's go" Jie suddenly told you from his position a few feet away, saving you from hell as if he had heard your secret prayers, as if he was the only one to get the distress you were drowning in. "I'm not going to the club either, so I shall come with you. C'mon, I'll take you home."

The second your stare came across his and his reassuring tone caressed your eardrums, some salty, hot, tickling water definitely accrued at the crease of your eyelids. That kind man down there had fulfilled your needs without you even asking for it. He would certainly work for your happiness, and he was probably already fond of you and could be for a long time if you'd just let him ; still, the warm smile he addressed you wasn't enough to falter the misery the name "Jooheon" had pushed you in all over again. Nothing could ever make up for it, no one could fill up the void in your heart, except for Jooheon himself. However, he wouldn't. And to realize that, after three months of persuasion, was eating you alive.

       Kihyun [11:55 p.m.] : She's leaving now, with a man from the company we'll be working for…

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You couldn't clearly picture the way back home with Jie when you woke up the next morning with your head wheezing painfully, and you never tried to recall it afterwards as you spent your long weekend reconciliating with the fighting spirit you had sported 'til the past two days. You just knew you had walked for a while and felt a hint of his touch on your shoulders as he had covered them with his coat. You could picture yourself hopping in a taxi, yet you couldn't remember if you had talked, fallen asleep, or maybe cried in front of him ; neither did you know how you had managed to enter your flat and find your way to bed.

Qian Jie [10:06 a.m.] : Are you alright?

This lone message had put a smile on your dry lips, and your heavy fingers had managed to type a "yes, thank you for asking and taking me home yesterday" even though the room had seemed to be turning around your body, not helping to focus. You hadn't drunk that much to the point of enduring a blackout and such a harsh hangover, but you could guess that it simply were your brain and body that refused to cooperate after they had been plunged into the swamp of your negative emotions all over again.

However, you took the signs into account and instead of burying your emotions deep down as the tsunami they turned into once triggered wasn't welcomed, you accepted the fact that you were damned to like Lee Jooheon for a longer while. You hadn't been able to force your feelings out no matter how hard you had tried, then only being nicer to yourself could lift the weight of misery off your shoulders and help you not to falter at the sound of his name next time.

Meanwhile, you allowed yourself to chat with Jie sometimes for work, sometimes casually as he managed to push the conversation over event-related things. Of course you liked talking to him, as your mind was somehow destined to clink with his more than with the rest of men in this world, and obviously Jie seemed to be falling for you as you deciphered the sweet tone in his voice every time he would call you to check on – futile – things. And if his feelings were still one-sided for now, you gave your heart a break by stopping the overthinking and just enjoying your little excitement ; maybe you'd turn the page too before you'd know it…?

However, the day you had to see Jooheon's face again came sooner than you had expected, because right after you had come back to work, your team manager had had the wonderful idea to plan a briefing reunion between your team and the staff you had hired for the food making, the service, the animation or the music, were they independent workers or specialized companies which would then send a representant. You would explain what you expected from them, what was the theme, what were the rules, what would be the organization, all of this around a small buffet.

Himchan had thought that it would be a more humane and clearer way than communicating by mail or phone, and if you couldn't deny, your nervous heart didn't thank him on the D-Day while you were waiting in your company's hall to greet the convoked people. Of course, Jooheon wouldn't be represented as he had been especially recommended ; so of course, instead of having the information relayed to him by someone else, he was going to hear it from your mouth directly, your very mouth that still itched at the thought of your kiss ; and of course, Kihyun had ensured you with a smirk that his friend had confirmed his presence. How professional of him. What confused you above it all, was that you couldn't decipher the reason why he would still accept this job, when he was back in the football game…

______

The clock was ticking on the watch enclosing his left wrist, and Jooheon found himself unable to walk through the glass doors of the huge building without having the fear that his heart would burst like a firework. Once again, his body was strangely stimulated by some flashes of thoughts he had of you every once in a while, and that never missed to make him feel edgy. Had he really made the right choice, wouldn't his mind had let go of the memories just like ashes evaporating in the air by now?

He hated how indiscreet his eyes had been these past months, lurking at Kihyun's phone's screen whenever he was sliding through his feed on Instagram, hoping he'd get to see a picture of you smiling and being – at least apparently – well. Because he, had been doing pretty well. Much better, to be precise.

Just like you had suggested him to, he had finally gathered the sufficient courage to confront his second biggest fear, football, as he couldn't stand the feeling of being such a loser and scaredy-cat anymore. Stopping to live like that had somehow been his way to cope with what he had done to you. He had then met with his coach after a long time of ignoring his calls, who had gladly welcomed him and re-offered his help to train him all over again, as well as his teammates who were happy to get their brother back in the family.

And as he had finally felt alive on the track field after a long time of wandering like a lost soul between his home and the club, his thankful heart and mind had only been craving to tell you how right you had been. In the end, without even being by his side anymore, you still had been the wind pushing him across the paths of challenges but happiness as well, would it be that night or right now, and Jooheon could never forget how this quick passage of yours had marked him for life. You had tamed the fire within him, reason why the ashes were still around…

His sharp eyes had barely caught the sight of you chatting with Kihyun and whom he guessed were other colleagues behind the windows, that his stomach twisted itself just like his mother used to twist their drenched laundry.

"Lee Jooheon, we need to go, they're waiting" a dismayed voice called him out.

His agent was standing in front of the doors, his expression clearly inducing how impatient and upset he was starting to feel before his childish behavior.

"Why'd you come anyway? It's embarrassing, I don’t need you for personal affairs like these" the younger boy grumbled while pushing his hands into the pockets of his black trousers.

"The coach told me to see for myself how much of an important meeting you were attending for you to miss a training day" the man smiled sarcastically.

"Ah-a! I regret going back to him, I didn't know he'd be that clingy and wouldn't trust me ever again!" Jooheon scoffed, earning some time.

"It's not that he doesn't trust you, he's just scared that he'll lose you anytime, you're still his precious gem you know, the future of his club, the son he had lost for a while, his-"

"Oh no stop it please, this is cringy" Jooheon frowned while covering his ears, even if he still heard the laugh of his agent which drastically stopped as he pushed the door open.

"Come on. Let's go" he ordered with a straight face.

"I really didn't miss you, not once" the footballer sighed.

This man, Mr. Seo, a father of two kids and a devoted husband, had always been there for him, even when he had cut ties with everyone. He had kept on sending diet food and side dishes to his place after the injury, just like had been doing back when Jooheon was training under his protection, with encouraging notes telling him to take his time but to come back. Unfortunately for him, Jooheon had only felt more guilty and unworthy at the sight of these pure displays of affection he couldn't pay back, instead of getting cheered up.

Your stares met as soon as Jooheon made his entry, and the corners of his mouth couldn't help but curl themselves up to offer you a shy smile, his suffering stomach immediately untying so that it would welcome the fluttering sensation of sparks tingling its walls. Yet you didn't smile back, or more accurately, not at him but at someone coming from behind him as your eyes quickly left his. They indeed followed a man who strode past Jooheon's manager, wearing a dark brown suit and with a neat hairstyle, his blonde hair color seeming to be the one of his birth and not the result of bleaching the locks a few times. The man came to stand next to you, and as Jooheon was concentrating to distinguish your voice over the lots of blabbering around him in the hall, Kihyun called him out :

"Lee Jooheon! Oh hello Mr. Seo! Finally, I was about to call you!" his friend smiled, obviously having said it loud enough so that everyone would admire the latecomer.

All the faces turned to him as they heard the familiar name, belonging to a "football player who has made his comeback to the infamous club in Seoul and is preparing all over again to enter the national team in the near future". Or so the medias were saying, in such a dramatical way. As much as he hated being the center of attention, his coach had been going out and about his "great return" as well as his teammates on their social accounts – they were proud, but way too proud. Jooheon hissed discretely, noticing embarrassingly that a girl from the group was already gazing at him quite intently, but what embarrassed him the most was his brain that told him he would have liked to catch your attention instead.

However, you were still discussing with the suited man whose head was quite close to yours, showing him something on sheets you were arranging for him and nodding back at him, before you cleared your throat :

"Welcome everyone, and thank you for coming. Please follow us to the first floor where our team manager is waiting for you" you announced.

"Wow she's young" Jooheon heard a man whisper.

"And pretty hot" another muttered back before they giggled together.

The sparks in Jooheon's body suddenly lit up a flame that was about to blow up into a raging fire if he ever heard another comment coming from their dirty mouths. He hadn't known he would be that sensitive to see you again today, and if he had, he would have gladly stayed in bed this early morning. Everything was wrong about the way he was feeling right now, about how he was craving for your attention, about how he was nervous to be around you, when you seemed to be so calm – with that man standing at your side and smiling at you and you smiling back at him and him letting you enter the lift first as a true gentleman even if his hand on your back was a tad too much.

It was as if the situation was pushing him into a corner of discomfort the more he had your silhouette, which was lovely more than pretty hot, in his sight, that very silhouette he had refused to hold in his arms exclusively. He could feel the excitement bubbling within his limbs, sign that you still were like a shot of happiness to him, but what were those upsetting side-effects?

______

You stepped into a large room where the guests each chose a seat while you took place next to Himchan who was ready to give his speech. Jie sat at the front row, on your left, prepared to take notes so that he could relay the organization to his boss ; and thankfully, Sora had sent a colleague, putting the strangling reunion of your love triangle with Jooheon off to the scary date of the event.

"Good morning everyone! I'm Kim Himchan, the manager in charge of this project and this is Yoo Kihyun, Y/L/N Y/N and Jeon Jiwoo, my people, my team" your boss started with a clap of his hands.

Jooheon was sitting at the far back of the room, his right foot landed over his left knee, his hands with tangled fingers across his leg, his black turtleneck top under his camel trucker jacket catching your eye, but less than the fact that he had shortened his hair and the color had faded since the last time you met, signs that a long time had passed. Yet, his handsomeness never failed to feed your eyes, but when they met his dark pupils, your blood turned icy. He looked like the distant, rebellious kid at the back of the class that pinned the teachers down in their place with their piercing gaze.

You wondered if Jie was feeling the same way every time he met you, and if that was the case, you pitied him ; you were quite lucky to come across Jooheon only once in a while, as he shook your senses enough for you to feel disturbed even once you had parted, and you hated it.

Though this time, something had changed in him, but you couldn't pinpoint exactly what. Something in his look was turning your body stiff, just like it had the first time at the club ; it had been the only one time you had seen him shining with confidence and easiness, and right now, it seemed as if the usual gloominess that had inhabited him afterwards had… Gone. Had you guessed it right, had football really relieved him? Or was it something else? Either way, you didn't receive nor share his sadness this time as something different was emanating from him.

The more the clock on the wall was reading the seconds passing by, the more your hand was starting to hurt like hell, and the less you could focus on the meeting. You ignored if the explanation of the pain was lingering in the pure fact that the two lines were solicited at the same time, or simply that your body was overreacting under your systematical, uncontrollable desire to have Jooheon for you, and to have him lean on you.

The two pair of eyes of the men bound to you by destiny were focused on your being, unashamedly, inevitably, obviously staring at you and you only, and you were thrilled to read some kind of intensity in Jooheon's pupils each time you came to catch their sight. Mechanically, your thumb had started to slide along your palm in order to soothe the scorching sensation you thought you were the only one to suffer from, until you perceived your ideal's fingers doing exactly the same, with his palm turned to the ceiling for you to see.

You then got captured in a glimpse of time and space where nobody could tell, except for the both of you, that you were letting yourselves getting consumed into the sweet pain and under each other's stares. Suddenly, when Jie shifted in his seat and grasped your attention, his shy smile at you turned the sweet pain into an excruciating one, as if someone was planting a knife into your hand again and again.

It told how much you were torn between your need for your one-sided love to be accepted, and the will you had developed to walk down the possible way out of it.

"And that's about it! Any questions, before we get our claws on the appetizing buffet behind you?" Himchan concluded just before you'd scream out of pain, and as nobody rose a hand, you used the mass movement towards the back of the room as an opportunity to run discretely to the toilets.

The cold water flowing on your palm made you sigh in relief, and you closed your eyes for a moment, but ended up opening them in a haste as the picture of Jooheon staring at you had appeared in the black space veiling your pupils. What was wrong with him? When you had imagined he'd be nothing more than formal with you as three months had passed without him regretting anything, in fact he had almost been scanning you naked with his insisting look at your face. You slowly regained your composure as the pain dispelled, and finally walked out of the restroom, only to be met by one of the guests, a man in his mid-thirties, in the corridor.

"Oh sir? Did you lose yourself?" you asked him as he had been standing with his back against the wall.

He stood up properly with a smug look on his traits that instantly put you in a cagey position as something disturbing was glowing from his body, like a bad feeling, and he took long strides until he was properly facing you.

"Actually no… It might sound weird, but I followed you here because I wanted to have a short private talk with you, Miss Y/L/N" he said with a smile that wasn't warming at all.

"R-really? You must have some points to share? Tell me so I could relay them to my sup-"

"You're really professional, I like you even more…" he acknowledged in a low-tone, and this time, you were definitely embarrassed.

Was he hitting on you, right now? There was nobody in the corridor as the restrooms were quite far from the meeting rooms, and you weren't sure of how this would end as you'd have to turn his eventual confession down.

"I just wanted a bit of privacy, to ask you out for dinner, tomorrow night. Just you and me."

"I'm sorry but I'll have to refuse, sir." you smiled awkwardly with an enchanting tone to chase away the tension building between the both of you. "Thank you for proposing, but-"

"Oh please, you can't refuse, it's my treat! I know a bunch of luxurious restaurants that women adore, you won't regret it!" he insisted, grabbing his phone in the pocket of his costume's vest and presenting it to you. "Here! Why refuse, my pretty lady, hm? That senior is ready to do anything for you."

He looked so arrogant, obviously thinking girls who were young were also dupe and would gladly give themselves to him, but he had been wrong about you. You almost rolled your eyes at his stubborn behavior, as if using his status and pet names – that were out of place – would make you change your mind.

"I'm really sorry, I can't accept your offer, sir. Should we go back to-"

"Why are you refusing?" he suddenly groaned, combing his hair nervously. "Don't you know how good of an opportunity this is for your company? We could be great partners afterwards! You shouldn't be that difficult and just give me a night, huh? C'mon, I told you you wouldn't regret it!"

Your heartbeat was now the one of some kind of fanfare turning hectic, as you felt anger fueling through your veins at his threat, but also the premises of panic because the two of you were alone.

"I don't think us going out on a date tomorrow has anything to do with my career or my company, sir" you tried to answer in the politest of tones before biting your tongue so that insults wouldn't proliferate out of your lips.

"Hey, you little- You should know better than to talk back to your elders and just accept the good deeds they do for you, shouldn't you?"

"I think I have the right to refuse, sir. I'm sorry."

"You're very stubborn as I can see… What a shame, hm?"

The man suddenly grabbed your right arm, freezing you in your heels, his eyes opened wide and his brows furrowed in pent-up frustration as you didn't comply to his far from legitim authority. And just as he had been about to lecture you some more, a hand caught his and firmly removed it from your limb.

"You heard her, right? She refused, you disgusting pervert" Jooheon interfered in a tensed, stern tone as he stepped before you, before his jaw clenched tightly.

The surprise of his sudden appearance and your frozen state quickly faded away as his citrus perfume invaded your space ; and like an enchantment, it lifted the atmosphere up, relaxed your limbs and untied the knot twisting your stomach in fear, making you feel at ease and secure.

"W-What?" the man stuttered, looking impressed by the young man's serious face and his apparent strength as he had squeezed his hand without pity.

"I filmed everything before interfering, and I'll report this to your employer, you can be sure of it. Also, I can make it buzz in a few hours, don't you know who I am? Huh? I can bring you down in a minute" he pursued as he took a step further. "I can't believe you're proudly saying you're a senior when you act like an ignorant pervert. So maybe I, a junior, should teach you how life is. Nothing will ever give you the right to think women should oblige when you say so. You're nobody. No-bo-dy. You don't have any right to tell a woman she's disrespectful when you don't respect her in the first place. Do you get what I'm saying, sir? Or should I make it clearer? You don't have any right to lay your dirty hands on a woman unless she agrees for you to do so, you hear me? You don't have any right to intimidate her or even talk to her to begin with, you scumbag, you filthy dirty scumbag I swear you should be taught to be a man"

Jooheon had approached the businessman a bit more, his right index pointing at his chest but never touching him, his physical presence enough to crush anyone else's self-assurance into dozens of pieces. His unphased expression and threatening behavior impressed you, as well as his sharp tone, mostly because you were their trigger. Something had definitely changed in him. Something that was straightening his back and glowed through every pore of his fair skin, telling you he was now standing with a confidence you hadn't known of.

He looked like a man that finally was comfortable enough in his own shoes, but as you could decipher the invisible flames of fury irradiating all around his body and spotted his left fist tightening, you grabbed his wrist so that he wouldn't take it further. Jooheon turned back to your fingers wrapped around his watch, then to you.

"I won't do anything, only if you forgive him" your ideal then addressed you in a calm tone, before he unblocked your sight of the man for you to kill him with a disgusted stare.

"Don't get that angry, young boy, I-I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry" the latter couldn't talk properly anymore, shame reddening his prominent cheeks.

Jooheon's eyes were gazing at you with a sweetness reminding you of that morning when he had held you close in his kitchen, and you cursed secretly at him for having appeared next to you when you were at your weakest, as his ambiguous behavior made your heart flutter even more. It conveyed the same light of false hopes you had tried to turn a blind eye to, and it was dangerously circling you.

"He's not the one you should apologize to" a familiar voice suddenly cut in the conversation, and Jie appeared from the end of the corridor with a face as strict as Jooheon's. "I witnessed everything as well and looked up for your company's contact information. I won't let this go. This isn't making business, this isn't profitable for your company or hers, this is harassment, and you should be ashamed of it."

Jooheon's brows quirked in surprise as he looked at the plus-one who had put an end to his somehow intimate moment with you, only to be met with the darkest stare he'd ever received in his whole life. Dark, but also… Thankful? Your eyes were going back and forth between the two saviors, as you felt that an electric vibe was circulating from a pair of eyes to another. The pain in your hand burned your flesh all over again as you did so, and the second you winced, Jooheon and Jie's attention focused on you, completely forgetting about the third party who let out a long sigh before hanging his head low, evidently having a hard time swallowing his pride to apologize to you.

"I'm sorry, miss. Forgive me."

"I hope you will stop thinking that your position should make women appreciate you and beg for a night with you. I will stay nice for now because the event is coming soon and we can't replace you in such a short time. But I hope that your attitude doesn't reflect your company's values, I'll ask about it myself. Just know that it would be shameless of you to dare come out in front of me ever again, and if you do so, the video will be out" you managed to warn him even though your voice was trembling due to your need to moan your suffering out. "Let's go back to the room"

You didn't know where your confidence to lecture an older man had come from when he had been pretty intimidating before and you had been quite scared for yourself ; surely Jooheon's and Jie's overpowering auras, like those of two knights in shining armors, had made you feel protected and supported.

"You're coming with me" Jie surprisingly took your hand in his and without further explanations, leaded the walk down the corridor, leaving the pervert behind the both of you ruminating his own frustration and fright to get reported anytime, but also Jooheon whose lips got sealed the second your skins weren't in contact anymore.

His eyes fell down on your hand intertwined in his, an unreadable expression veiling his traits before they went up to your face as you looked back at him while walking away, still flustered by his intervention, and torn to have your hand in another man's.

______

"Where are you taking me? And why hold my hand?" you asked Jie as you followed behind him.

You didn't have the guts to tear your hands apart on your own, the serious look on his face preventing you to do so.

"Where can I find ice?" Jie asked you back as he kept on pacing straight in the hallway.

"Ice? Ah that's right, we forgot to put some on the tables for the drinks! We can go to the rest area, we have a fridge there" you informed him, your heart beating fast. "It's the door on the right, over there…"

Once you had entered the empty room, Jie finally freed your palm to close the door behind the both of you, then he pressed himself towards the fridge. You silently observed him as he put some ice cubes in a towel he had found on the vending machine's handle, before he told you to sit on one of the sofas.

"What? Why?"

"I know your left hand is hurting, you were rubbing it a while ago and I can feel it too, it hurts pretty badly, doesn't it?" he answered in the most natural of ways, and your heart begun the fanfare all over again.

He was so considerate, from the way he had noticed your pain, to how he had also stepped up to a senior only to defend you. For the first time since your encounter, and even though your feelings belonged to someone else, you couldn't deny that it had reached out to you, almost in a romantic way.

"O-Oh… Thank you…"

"I'm sorry I followed you to the toilets, but I was pretty worried about you" he then told you straightforwardly.

It looked like he was having a lots of arrows to shoot at you on this day.

"Actually I went to the toilets to put some water on it, but ice is way better" you sighed in relief as he was massaging your palm with the ballot of ice he had quickly made, and the mixture of the warmth of his hand supporting yours and the cold of the fabric was the most soothing of sensations.

His brows were furrowed as he was concentrating on keeping his gestures delicate, and you took this opportunity to close your eyes briefly. Some pictures of the previous incident flashed through your mind, and you gazed back at Jie to admire his sharp traits that never failed to fascinate you. How come your thoughts were monopolized by Jooheon's face and questions about him, when this man right here was ready to give you what you needed? The law was so unfair to the both of you.

"Thank you, for also coming to my rescue earlier, that man was pretty creepy" you said before biting your lip, as he probably hadn't been able to prevent himself to do so.

"I'm just glad I followed you there, my instincts definitely never betray me" he smiled purely as his eyes finally looked at you, catching you in the act of analyzing every single inch of his skin. "Oh and about tomorrow night… What will you be doing?"

"Tomorrow night? Nothing, I only told him no because I didn't want to go" you chuckled.

"Oh well… I was willing to ask you out on a date anyway, so I might just do it now. Would you mind going out to eat with me instead, tomorrow night?"

His eyes conveyed an intensity that flushed your cheeks and suspended time for a second, in this room only lightened by the few rays of sun penetrating through the small window and enlightening in gold his light strands of hair. You could have sworn your heart had finally given up some beats to this man worthy of everything, but its main rhythm was obviously stimulated by another man that was somewhere behind this door.

The way to a possible happiness without him was paved right before you for your eyes to see, and probably to a new beginning with a decent man ; however, you knew from your past relapse at the sight of Jooheon's picture, and from the way he had overshadowed Jie earlier would it be in the room or in the corridor, that you weren't quite ready to date or love anyone else but him.

"Can I give you my answer later?" you still smiled.

It would be the perfect occasion to be truthful with him and put an end to his false hopes just like Jooheon had done with you, before it would be too late, before he would end up as miserable as you had been for weeks. The temptation to just give in the easy way had been powerful as his care for you was heart-fluttering, but less than your feelings for Jooheon, and you couldn't deceive Jie or yourself anymore.

"Sure, Y/N" he gently nodded before going back to his ministrations without saying another word.

______

Jooheon had witnessed the incident from the very beginning. Indeed, he had seen you step out of the room hurriedly and not too long after, one of the men he had heard talking dirtily about you earlier in the main hall had followed you. Just like Jie, his guts had told him that nothing good would happen out of an eventual encounter, and they had taken his feet through the huge and numerous hallways of the building, the red vest of the pervert always in his sight.

He had then waited quietly at the corner of a crossover, observing the man as he had paced around in front of the women's restroom's door before stationing himself against the wall. Jooheon's heart had been bumping against his ribcage, while his hands had enclosed into tight fists, the tension getting higher in this silent corridor. When you had finally stepped out, he had caught his breath not to miss any single word of your conversation, and had brandished his handphone to record the scene in case you'd need it.

The second the man had dropped his first dirty move on you, Jooheon's anticipation had turned into anger, his veins popping out of his neck, hands and even temples. And right at the moment when he had decided he'd had enough of this disgusting scene playing under his two eyes, he had spotted the blonde man in his brown suit walking down the hallway facing his, approaching the scene. That was when a thought had popped up in his mind fueled with rage : he had promised himself not to be a coward anymore. And that very thought, had urged his body towards yours, as if attracted to you like a magnet, and made him intervene before his twisted brain could tell him to hide like the runaway he was.

Jooheon had rarely seen that red in his whole life, as he had felt on the verge to crush the man down until he had been crawling and begging for your forgiveness, but mostly, the sensation of being strong, important in your eyes had excited him somehow.

Nevertheless, it hadn't lasted long. When the blonde man had finally interrupted him in his rare time of following his heart, when he had looked at him without blinking, Jooheon's confidence had lost to his doubts, again. The sadness lingering in your last text message, the memory of your teary eyes three months ago, the echo of your voice begging him to stop acting as if there was a way for a "you" to happen struck him like a thunderbolt. Maybe this man, would make you happy when he had failed to.

That millisecond of torment had been enough for this very man to be the one taking your hand then your body away from that dirty stranger, without thinking or hesitating, and to leave him as the defeated man he still seemed to be. He thought he had changed, but once more, what had only been left, was the price of his regrets or, like his friend Minhyuk had accurately induced, the price of his feelings he had wrongfully subsided. Right in this corridor, Lee Jooheon had been a bit too late to realize that he liked you too, as his lingering anger had transformed into frustration and jealousy.

Regrets, regrets, regrets. Jooheon was getting tired of this bugging feeling. So tired that he'd do anything to not welcome them anymore. And as his eyes had fallen on his empty left hand, his vivid heart-line scorching his skin couldn't have seemed more meaningful to him.

The key to the end of this long labyrinth he had been wandering in with his eyes closed, hoping to find an issue while avoiding the new experiences in front of him, was in fact residing in one thing : his heart, that had given him the most impulsive, spontaneous of directives in a while, but the most ecstatic of feelings once he had been close to you.

His heart, calling for him to fall off the cliff he had been hanging on for too long, and to finally give in to the euphoria of love, for himself and for you.

*

**

***

**   

*  

"I'll send them off manager, don't worry!" you exclaimed to Himchan's attention as you walked out of the building and stood a few meters away from the entrance to shake hands with everyone and thank them.

The subtle breeze comforted you after the disturbing episode in the hallway, but it couldn't calm the drum solo your bloody organ was still playing as you knew you'd come to face Jooheon again. You hadn't had the chance to approach him after you had been back to the meeting room, as Jie had stood by your side all the while, his eyes telling you that he had been worried that you'd collapse at any moment, once the pressure had completely fallen down.

Your heels were stamping the pavement as you were thinking of what to say, but also wondering if you could ask the questions Jooheon had the talent to outnumber with additional ones every time you met, leaving them preys to your unending interpretation.

The man of your dreams was the last one to step out, his agent leaving the two of you on the forecourt after bidding politely his goodbyes, and before you could open your mouth to thank him properly for having protected you, Jooheon asked you :

"Are you alright?"

"I guess, thanks to you. Thank you for intervening, really" you said truthfully, and when your eyes dived into his crescent ones, your body vibrated with the familiar yet dangerous tsunami of feelings you had bottled up.

Jooheon shared that same trembling feeling as he, too, had kept many things inside for a long while, and as he was letting them out one after the other, he couldn't fight the smile curling his lips at your sight and answer.

"Good then, I'm glad to hear that" he sighed his thoughts out, before licking his lower lip. "I have a thing to be thankful for you as well."

"Me? What is it?" you questioned him with doubt lacing your voice.

"I've been practicing football again, and I wouldn't have hadn't it been for you. You might not realize it, but I wanted to thank you anyways because it has helped me a lot" he confessed.

His deep and serious tone made you scoff the embarrassment out of your body, before swinging slightly back and forth to vivify your limbs as they could melt under his stare at any moment. You felt nervous to be left alone with that new version of him, his quiet strength overhanging you.

"What does that even mean, I didn't do anything special…" you grumbled. "Anyway, I'm glad to hear that as well."

He chuckled at your reaction, and started counting the seconds passing by, his brain urging itself to find what to say so that you wouldn't part ways already.

"Can I ask you a question?" you unexpectedly spoke up another time, relieving him as you granted him a bit more time.

"Sure, go ahead" Jooheon shrugged, his palms growing sweaty because of the anticipation.

"Why did you take the job? You don't need it anymore, I mean you're back in the club" you interrogated frankly, an apparent unphased look dressing your face.

You had taken acting classes back in school, so you knew how to pretend. When you could sometimes share his emotions or read him like an open book because he was your soulmate, you had decided to take an advantage of this unbalanced situation by displaying a bit of nonchalance and distancing, so that you wouldn't falter before him as easily as in front of his resumé.

"Hmmm…" he hummed as he certainly hadn't expected this question to come out. "Should I be honest or-"

"I can tell if you lie, you know" you reminded him while waving your left hand at him with the red mark shining brightly.

"That's true… Well, let's say that my guts told me to do so" Jooheon managed to mumble while diverting his eyes from your face as it could drive him into betraying his deepest intentions.

Even though he had found pure bliss in acting recklessly earlier, his body moving and his tongue untying without warning, now that there was only the two of you he was hyperaware of his every move, scared to ruin his chance to try putting the pieces of an "us" together, or at least sow its seeds.

"Your guts…?"

You tilted your head, unsure of what it meant. Another swirl of wind flew around you and brought his scent right into your nostrils again, his presence getting more and more overwhelming.

"Yeah, my guts" Jooheon reiterated as his eyes lowered back on you with the same intensity as in the hallway, catching the legs of time that stopped running along with your breath.

He could see that you were drowning under a sea of confusion as his behavior swayed between assertive and careful of being too forward, confusing him all the same as he was hesitating about what to actually do. Hiding his feelings and himself wasn't an option anymore ; but why couldn't all of his fiery honesty just form the right words that would translate what he actually felt about you?

"Fine, see you soon then" you abruptly concluded, upset by his vague answer that was way worse than silence, and you extended your hand to send him off just like you had done with the rest of the group.

Jooheon gladly took it, but he didn't let go after a short shake ; in fact, he pulled at it in a swift move once he had sensed that you were about to question his actions, bringing you pretty close to him.

"You said you could tell when I lied…" the words trailed out of his mouth as he looked down at you with sparkly and squinted eyes. "Well, I kinda lied."

"What do you-"

Your voice suddenly got muted as the orange-haired boy snaked his way around your neck and waist with his arms, lightly squeezing your body into a hug before his head landed on your shoulder, his neck kissing your lips. You gasped, but your hands were unable to push him away, whether it be you giving in to his touch as you loved it just like you loved him, or the law tying them down to your body as it had finally gotten what it existed for : you being close to your soulmate.

"Sorry, that's what my guts told me to do as well" his voice vibrated through his chest against yours and resonated in your headwalls. " I think I missed you, Y/N. I'm too ashamed to say it straight to your face, but my guts… No, my heart is making me crave to do all sort of things today, and for the first time in a while, I know I won't regret it."

At this confession, his fingers dug a bit deeper into the fabric of your blazer. You could feel his heart beating fast against your torso, giving credit to his messy declaration that left you breathless. Your own vital organ was throbbing at the erosion of thoughts buzzing through your mind, from you stealing a kiss from him to smacking his face for being this late ; but the chills on your skin were slowly inducing that you were somehow thrilled to believe that something was actually happening. After all your efforts. After three months. After only a short reunion in the morning.

"I thought of you pretty often, as reconciliating with football was a way for me to stop living like a coward waiting for things to get better without working on it at some point" he acknowledged. "And I thought it was strange that I couldn't move on, so I wanted to see you again to sort things out, and that's the answer I've got… I just couldn't part ways another time without being honest with myself and with you, for once. I just needed you to know, that I missed you."

"Why do you want me to know that" you finally answered in a monotone, your voice muffled by his body against yours, and Jooheon adjusted his arms around your frame so that you could properly speak.

Your breath on the material of his clothes still sprawled ticklish sensations all over his skin like ants going down his limbs, and he almost hissed at the flustering sensation.

"Because I'm tired of thinking about you with regrets filling my mind" he finally straightened himself to gaze properly at you in the eyes, his arms still resting loosely on your body. "I know I told you not to wait for me, I hope you didn't… And I don't know who that man is to you… But I'll have to try my best to listen to this raging dude if I want to be proud of myself one day"

He patted the left part of his chest, releasing your shoulders from his hold, and it immediately felt cold. You had missed him too; your colleagues could testify. And for a long while, you had wished for this moment to happen, him coming back to get you with eyes full of regrets and apologies as he'd have realized that he liked you back and that it was worth the try.

The overwhelming sensations you went through at the listening of his speech suddenly spilled through the edge of your fingers that hurried themselves up his shoulders, to his neck, before they reached his face, and pulled him into a kiss. A long, insistent, needy press of your lips against his ; the only way to put an end to his confusing rent and to your panicked thoughts plaguing your mind.

You had been dying to kiss him since the first time you had met him in the club, and after your last one, just while thinking of him ; now that you were doing it again, it seemed that you'd never get enough of him, never enough to fill in the void he had left up 'til now.

When his lips started moving against yours to kiss you back again and again with the same need, upgrading to another rhythm, Jooheon felt like he was getting dangerously closer and closer to abandoning himself to his euphoria again, so he forced himself to pull back, leaving you with your eyes closed.

"I like you, Y/N" he breathed out. "I like you, but I want to take it easy. I've hurt you."

You finally grasped what had happened, what your body had decided to do on its own, how your bottled feelings for him or maybe the powers of the law had taken over your faculty to think rationally or even control yourself ; and that was when Kihyun's words from three months ago resounded with the most power into your eardrums.

"You know, when you date your ideal, you almost forget how it actually feels to love at first. I swear, the sensations you get almost turn into a drug, something you can never get enough of! You immediately love the person without even knowing him or her, and you're in such a bliss, in such an awe, that you can't even distinguish what your real emotions are anymore. It took me a break with my girlfriend to look back on what I feel, what I love in her, and to miss her but because my heart felt empty, not my entire self."

Burning with your desire for him, craving for his touch when he had barely hugged you, kissing him with a despair you hadn't been able to contain, wishing for it to never stop and only seeing and feeling him ; all the emotions crashing down on your being were too much to handle at once, so much that you got scared of yourself.

All along, you had been sure that you liked – no, loved him, and that the empty feeling you had gone under painfully could be explained by the power of love before the one of the law. However, right now, you couldn't decipher where the origin of your rushed, needy actions and of your emotions lingered : was it really from your heart that pounded in your chest as its fluttering was finally reciprocated? Or from the law that had made you fall for Jooheon in the first place and now stimulated your body to the point that it felt like you weren't mastering it anymore, because it was satisfying its purpose?

You were suddenly terrified of what Jooheon actually made you feel, instead of enjoying the bliss they all had talked about ; when his feelings were genuine as he wasn't tied to you by the law, the intensity of your excitement shone the confusion Kihyun had talked to you about in your blurred spirit. You needed to tame and sort these new emotions out, before you'd get pervasive and lose yourself and him a second time.

"I-I'm sorry" you only managed to stammer as you pushed his hands away from you, before taking a step back, then another one.

"Y/N, wait let's-"

"You needed time, now I need mine" you cut him as you were getting closer and closer to the building. "I was only wishing for this to happen, but… I-I don't know what I'm feeling right now I need to go"

"Wait just stay let's talk it out I have so much to-"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me but I just can't be with you any longer" you finally sobbed your frustration out and without looking at him, your eyes glued to the pavement where you had searched for your sanity in vain, you turned around and disappeared behind the glass doors.

Jooheon clutched a hand at his heart beating way too loud for him to think clearly, the palm of his left one burning after your passionate kiss. And for the second time, he had to watch you walk away without having the chance to hold you back into another moment where the blooming of an "us" was waiting for the both of you to water it at the same time.

* 

*

*     

A/N : thank you again for having read it up ‘til now, I’m doing my best to continue writing the ending part through my schedule!

[gplewis]

losing my edge

being as young as I used to be has necessarily passed away; so I write the only poem I have left to write, calling it “poetry” even though it’s really just leaking, paired with a stubborn refusal to read what I’ve written; maybe that’s what autumn is for — my editing/reading self and my writing self are different; this I can support using this evidence:

Critics Parul Sehgal and Teju Cole on the changing authority of words

I’ve read this interview several times. What sticks in my mind is the notion: “The self that writes is not the self that edits is not the self that generates. I’m able to split and edit myself as if it’s copy coming in that I’ve never seen and I’m mildly contemptuous of.”

So writing and reading is an education in the soul, in time, in money, in the world as it is, in the flow of justice. And maybe I just have to apprentice myself all over again (I’m 33⅔ and recently spent a good few weeks ... no, the point of that was James Baldwin spent some years “tearing up paper” and maybe...I’m struggling to accept what writing won’t and can’t do for me, how it is necessarily apart from others, how maybe it isn’t for others, can’t do anything for you — you — I’m interested in your troubles because they’re mine: money, love, mortality, career, satisfying work, being proud of oneself, being connected to a community...we can deal with not-having together; “being, doing and not having” is an experience we share, and only silence keeps us apart; our only mistake is not having talked about it, not having met. 

I used to meet. Meetups. They were the way to get connected and going. Companies, jobs, work. That was the way. Now I know creativity, art, soul, spirituality, generosity, receptivity, curiosity, interest, talent, patience, endurance...these are the way to creating a life I want to live, and this work is solitary, but I can hand over the record of my working — but every man or woman working is alone; the charade has to slip like a cape off the shoulders for each individual.

There is no way to be easily satisfied anymore. Maybe life hasn’t changed, maybe I’ve just gotten older and realized I have to forge a way that’s never been traveled before. Robert Frost wrote a poem about the road less traveled and how it made all the difference. And it will. Maybe I’m surprised at how difficult it actually is for me to accept getting older and being alone. Intellectually it was easy, I flung the truth around like paint or a rope: the truth about life came easy to me, now it’s a little more difficult, or just slower and stranger. It used to be easy to sit in a room and live another Monday, but I suppose every Monday is unique in its hulking languor and constipation.

I could sigh and scream, “Maybe this is for no one!” but my enthusiasm doesn’t stop there. I know the only road forward for me is the writing one, and filling sentences with ever stranger material and music. I’m writing things I never thought I’d say; of course I’d like to be read even though I say often I don’t. Maybe it isn’t so pioneer to write my journal in public. Maybe many people write stuff like this, they just don’t share it. Though I have the sense my peers have defected to Netflix and wine, homeownership and a dog, weekend plans, online shopping, landscaping and yard projects...I don’t actually resent them for this, I just do different gardening.

It’s stressful and tiring to resist employment, to resist being told what to do, to always be pushing back against the gravitational force of the world, having to make your own way (the art of asking, which I delay on; right now I “need” money, though I keep finding a way to extend the runway and not worry about it — maybe my own collision course with being broke is essential American instruction and poetic voice: maybe I am meant to collide with the wall of needing money and not wanting to make it, and finding my own way to go on: no fitting in, no relenting, no losing my voice, — I remember email, meetings; I am always asking, “For what end?” Global scale and disruption (thinking of startups here, and friends’ postmortems of hope-filled experiences that were ultimately disappointing) for what? And then what happens?

Maybe employee is a stage to get through, and you learn what “a place” can’t do for you. The place is your solitude: any work you do alone, and it’s elective. You could be anywhere else; you could question why you’re there. Jim Carrey: “We make decisions out of fear disguised as practicality.” So what happens when you follow your dreams? Well, you’re alone, writing, at the forefront and precipice of your social network; you could reach out to anyone, draft any kind of website then be the carnival barker for what you’ve done and what you can do for others. 

I can’t live in this elected state. 

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death." — Anaïs Nin, D.H. Lawrence: An Unprofessional Study

It is very difficult to live. Albert Camus: "Men must live and create. Live to the point of tears."

Nearly 7 million households could face eviction in July. It could be me. Who would have me? Where would I go? György Lukács: “Philosophy is transcendental homelessness; it is the urge to be at home everywhere.”

Is community a place in the world or in my head?

I used to be excited about having asked such big, important, vital questions in such a fresh, sharp, spiky way. This is a nice document here; nice enough to maybe I think warrant the kind of exciting young Parisian intellectual’s life, with more good food, alcohol, laughter, nice clothes, live music, dark bars, sex with beautiful women...but I realize it’s more about stretching in the morning, writing 1.5 pages longhand, breakfast and coffee, 4-5 hours with the laptop on whatever strikes your interest and limbers up your typing-hands, then outdoors time for exercise, and return for nourishment and also another creative practice: singing. Oh, it’s been a pleasure to perform as a vocalist:

I Want You (She's So Heavy)

I was going to add that earlier; oh how I can already see a productive conversation with an editor — oh how I’ve called and called for this doctor — someone to help me make better use of my time, talent and work in progress. Oh, a manager, a boss, someone I respect, someone who will help me see the road ahead. This is something I could use in my personal life as well: someone to see with, stand with, talk with, plan with. Maybe I have become the most alone writing man in the world — this is the fine start for a seedbed of a career, ha! Career for what? I suppose tomorrow will be different, as every day is; I just had to wring this day out completely. Maybe one more walk around the neighborhood and then get to singing...ha, ha, maybe this is all going perfectly according to plan.