#I should go hug my Kaneki figure to calm down

[cirrocumulus-cloud]

Kaneki and his Centipedes

Kaneki’s mind is a wonderfully jumbled mess of opinions that form a variety of colours, yet Kaneki always falls back into a black and white mindset that he never challenges, a theme that is central in Chapter 144 of Tokyo Ghoul:re.

There’s beauty to be found in Kaneki acknowledging his own mistakes - only to throw all of these revelations out the window to focus on his own selfish construct of a mind. Multiple versions of him do so throughout the entire chapter. Yet no version of himself can thouroughly agree with another version - something that references his terrible state of mind and shows us clearly that Kaneki himself isn’t his own character. He’s never been his own character, his own personality. Kaneki Ken is a multifaced centipede with thousand arms that are all parts of himself, yet no version of Kaneki is ever a complete person.

Simply put, Kaneki is whatever the situation requires him to be. With a twist that Kaneki maintains a persona in said situation that enables him to keep on pushing forward without ever having to face his own shortcomings.

If one version of him doesn’t work out, he can always abandon whatever he tried to build and gain a new mask, a new husk of himself that makes it possible for him to keep on moving on with no need of personal growth. Having all of these versions interact can only end in a mess of a conversation, and it does.

Kaneki’s many versions have one central ground of agreement, and that is to maintain the status quo of finding a scapegoat to keep on pushing forward for the sake of pushing forward, but we will get to that later.

Let’s establish a few main characters of our one-man cast:

- both child Kanekis -

These two observe, as they have always been. The blackhaired child Kaneki is someone who has always taken whatever abuse others hurled at him and continues to be passive. The white haired child Kaneki is much the same, referencing a different state of mind that can mostly be connected to him haunting Sasaki in the past. But both of these versions are passerbys on a train who don’t openly voice their thoughts, so here, they remain silent as well.

- #240 -

This Kaneki is breaking down throughout the entire conversation, showing Kaneki at his lowest, during the time he was tortured by Arima. #240 has no self agency and shows on multiple occassions that other parts of Kaneki have to try to calm him down or tell him to shut up, showcasing how Kaneki himself has no idea how to deal with himself at his lowest points.

- Eyepatch -

Softspoken and intent to keep the peace between the group, yet there is only one panel where he is shown to have a significant impact on the conversation. His pleading for peace is ignored fully, but Eyepatch has never been a part of Kaneki that had a big impact on his psyche. He represents the start of Kaneki’s goul life after all and has always been humble with his biggest intent being to remain unseen and unheard, much like human Kaneki behaved. Him putting all the blame on himself regarding Juuzou is central to that selfish self-blame that he has had for the longest time. Eyepatch can be seen sitting next to the child versions of Kaneki, which further shows how much of an impact he has. Indeed, one of the only things that even influences the conversation in Kaneki’s mind is this:

Which fits Kaneki’s current mindset wonderfully, because Kaneki likes nothing more than to push responsibilities away from himself. It’s not his fault for being a terrible King that things turned out this way, right? It’s the fault of the others not messaging him that something was wrong, correct? A great thing to think to yourself and all the other versions of Kaneki pick it up and lament that no one messaged him because it was an ambush that no one could have predicted in any kind of way...right?

It is Eyepatch’s cynic view on their situation that stuns all of them, even Haise, into silence, though, after Haise sadly proclaims that he simply wanted to live a happy life. Here, Eyepatch perfectly sums up a problems that Kaneki has always had: He only finds importance in trying to protect others so his life has meaning, and that cuts the possibility of him leading a normal life.

The fact that even Haise, the one who pushes for the past of a good life, has nothing to say to that speaks volumes about Kaneki’s selfish sense of self and his inability to shoulder responsibilities. No one knows how to deal with this direct confrontation, so instead of coming to the conclusion that something needs to be changed, everyone agrees to review the situation once more, as though a golden opportunity could have been found. (The irony comes in the fact that nothing that Kaneki could have done would have ended in a victory for him, since he can’t put himself onto a path that he never walked.)

- Sasaki Haise -

We’ve seen Sasaki act as a fatherly figure for a lot of characters. The Quinx, mostly, but also Juuzou to a lesser extent. It should come as no surprise that Sasaki is the one who laments on the fact that he acted kindly towards Suzuya, so maybe if he had killed him earlier, things would have turned out differently?

Sasaki is also the one who presents most points of argument to the cast of Kanekis, painting him in the teacher role that he has had for the longest time. Haise was always a kindhearted character with a lot of patience for others, so it is an obvious choice for our limb missing Kaneki to put him into a position of starting the conversation and steering it towards different topics.

We see Sasaki act as a sort of voice of reason for most of the chapter, which does make sense considering that Haise was the one version of Kaneki who led the most ‘normal‘ life out of them all. He was able to shoulder responsibilities for a long while, embraced the role of acting as a father figure and was well-rounded until his psyche broke down due to his past coming back to haunt him.

It is interesting to see how much of a central focus Haise‘s words get, considering how Kaneki cut ties with the Quinx. It is very much presented to us as a past he would love to get back to, if only he could. Haise is one part of Kaneki that our current Kaneki wants to keep hidden away - and he succeeded at that until now. He shoved Haise to the side for the longest time so he wouldn’t have to deal with the grieve that comes from acknowledging that he left something good, something precious, something important behind so selfishly.

But Kaneki can’t keep this part of himself hidden forever, and so Haise states what is true - that the Quinx saved Kaneki, multiple times. They were the first real thing to a tightnit family that he has ever had. Anteiku was something akin to a home for him, one that he never fully let himself get close to.

But he did let himself get close to the Quinx and it ended in tragedy. And Haise is incredibly saddened by that, being a part of Kaneki that has experienced something that no other part of him has.

Haise states this because our Kaneki won’t let himself feel this loneliness. Thinking of Hide alone made him so sad that he couldn’t stomach the thought of him. So of course he would try to forget the Quinx, but he can’t.

Reaper tries to push the blame onto Haise, onto himself, stating that had he not met the Quinx, Shirazu would still be alive. It’s easy to say to distance yourself from problems that you have no control over, and Kaneki loves to have control over actions. It’s Haise’s words that state what Kaneki wants most, though: To live a simple, calm life.

The problem here is that Haise ackowledges that yes, all these others are Kaneki. But he, himself, is also Kaneki, something that never once occurs to him. Haise is as much Kaneki as Ken is Kaneki. Haise is a part of himself, one that Kaneki still tries to keep down even though he realises that he wanted to live a normal life. (The irony is that Kaneki could have had a normal life, multiple times, but chose to abandon those whenever he had them in his grasp.)

- Shiro Kaneki -

This Kaneki is rather passive, as well. He very much is in his own mind, sitting on a chair throughout most of the chapter and stating calm sentences that follow one central theme: Not choosing anything.

He doesn’t want to put the blame on anyone, not even himself, as shown above when confronted with the fact that he wasn’t there during the time Shirazu died. Instead of reacting with his own in-action of the scene, he instead simply talks about the fact that it wasn’t the Quinx’ fault that he died. He is a foil to the Reaper in that way, and most of the time he is the one who gets the brute of the violence and rage that Reaper harbors, reacting to all of his insults with passive indifference.

He is as passive as one gets, mimicking the way he reacted when faced with Yamori. Until he snaps due to the words of Reaper who accuses him of being passive to the point of ignoring reality. It is interesting to note that this Kaneki gets reprimanded by Reaper, one part of Kaneki who acknowledges that he ignores reality, only to become violent and lash out. (The irony is that all of Kaneki ignores reality countless times, facing reality is something that he is almost incapable of doing and him fighting himself in that regard leads nowhere.)

- Reaper -

The Reaper is mostly the one who speaks the ugly truths. This part of Kaneki doesn’t hold back, be it verbally or through violence. He acknowledges all of the flaws of the other versions of Kaneki while willfully ignoring how he, himself, was suicidal.

He is very perceptive in how he views everything that has happened, though in true Reaper fashion ignores everything that has to do with human interactions. Kaneki’s time as Reaper was one of the darkest and lowest points in his life, one were dying in style was his only goal.

Though Reaper is a wonderful foil to most of the other versions of Kaneki, he thinks of himself as someone incapable of doing anything. He constantly talks about how he wasn’t powerful enough to bring about some change, going so far as to blaming Haise for Shirazu’s death.

This showcases beautifully how incapable Kaneki is of logically thinking of the events that he has control over (Not choosing to abandon the Quinx in the first place.) and those that he doesn’t (If he isn’t present at a certain scene, he can’t possibly help out.). But Reaper encompasses everything that Kaneki has control over and choosing the wrong path, yet this part of Kaneki never thinks of himself in that way. Kaneki himself blames himself for all the things he couldn’t change, but never stops to think about what he could have done, about facing his own demons and improving himself. The Reaper is the one who picks at the flaws of every other version of Kaneki, while presenting himself as someone with no agency, when he himself simply chose not to partake in self agency.

The Reaper has always been suicidal, always been someone who only looks at the black, the depressing side of reality and despite his strenght to pick up on Kaneki’s flaws, Kaneki lets him control the situation for long amounts of time only to regress back into thinking everything is inevitable.

It should come as no surprise that Haise is the one who tries to calm him down from these self destructive thoughts. The problem comes with the fact that even Haise is stuck in the past, being self destructive in a whole different way. (The irony is that Reaper, the one who picks up flaws of Kaneki, is stuck in his own head so much he doesn’t recognise his own destructive behaviour. Kaneki puts all of his problems and acknowledgement of problems onto the shoulders of his suicidal self, thus rendering any sort of self development mute.)

- One Eyed King -

Our current Kaneki who laments on the fact that he can’t listen to his gut feeling. Our King is a drastic failure of royalty, having been raised by two people who had no idea how to reign properly.

As such, the King did what he does best - not make a decision until it is too late. This haunts him now, to the point that he has all these versions of himself in his head who try to lead a conversation that leads nowhere in terms of self improvement.

All these versions of Kaneki show flaws that he has, most of them point out flaws of some of his other versions, but King never truly interacts with those statements. It is a pity show through and through, because pitying himself is what Kaneki does best.

Now, I have to say that keeping King and Shironeki separate is a bit difficult, so maybe I messed up once or twice, though it is obvious even like this that King isn’t the one who leads this conversation.

King pities the fact that he didn’t listen to the bad feelings that he has had, King isn’t the one who tries to provide the Kaneki squad with solutions. They all simply review the situation again and again, trying to find a plan that leads them to victory when they have already lost. (GAME OVER.)

Kaneki, being someone who cannot face reality even when he has to do so in his head, thus has multiple kinds of worldviews thrown together - and it leads to him shutting down entirely to bring all of his different versions to one conclusion.

It is what pushes Kaneki forward, that thought to see Touka again.

But Touka is a scapegoat, a wishing well that Kaneki can throw coins into to not have to improve his outlook on the world, rendering it black and white once more. It is as Eyepatch said before - Kaneki will always find something or someone who he wants to protect, thus preventing him from ever living a normal life, from ever outgrowing his selfish needs.

Eyepatch lamenting the fact that the want to protect leads to failure is rendered pointless.

Haise acknowleding that he wanted a normal life is rendered pointless.

Shironeki saying that it isn’t someone elses fault that things turned out the way they did is rendered pointless.

Reaper stating that they refuse to face reality is rendered pointless.

Kaneki is pushing forward for the sake of protecting and living, but he does so in a situation that is unwinnable, playing into the hands of a madman who planned this stage for him for a long, long time.

So Kaneki grows, but he grows backwards, ever stuck in the position as the Hanged Man, now raised from a figurehead King to an enemy Dragon.

And maybe he will win one day, but for now he has lost once more.

[myndless88]

Scars

I’m no fanfic writer, but I’ve had this idea for a while and wanted to do something with it.  It kind of piggybacks off of the fan art I did for my little AU of Hide and Kaneki having triplets.  I wrote majority of this at about 1am, and worked on it until now, so if there are grammatical errors and such please go easy on me.   

(fic under the cut)

Most days, Kaneki would not think twice about how he looks in a mirror.  Most days he would just complete his standard bathroom tasks on autopilot—not really paying attention to himself.

Today was not one of those days.

He has just finished showering and, upon entering the bedroom to look for some clothes, happens to catch a glimpse of himself. Kaneki’s steps are light and timid as he comes to stand in front of the simple full-length dress mirror.  His grey eyes slowly rove the entirety of his body.  He first notes his damp hair.  It is in need of a trim, but what elicits a small “hmm” from the young man are how many black strands are overtaking the white.  Though he has gotten used to the pristine color years ago, it is comforting to see his natural hair color again.  To him, it means that he is healing.  Though he has to admit that he would miss the white; it did make him look cool.  Kaneki chuckles a little at the thought.  He concludes that it will be back eventually—when he is much, much older.

Kaneki’s eyes travel lower to inspect the rest of his body.  Clad in only baby blue boxer briefs, it is easy to see everything.  It still blows Kaneki’s mind how he had gone through such a transformation in such a short period of time.  He remembers when he used to be that shy, timid first year university student with a lanky body fueled by hamburgers and coffee.  He thinks of how he is now, and his lips form a thin line.  He is still shy and timid at times, but…  Where there was a lack of muscle are now hard and defined ones.  Coffee still fuels him, but hamburgers have become a thing of the past.  Much to his dismay.  Now it is replaced by…by…

Kaneki rapidly shakes his head a few times to dispel the thought.  He tries not to think about that any more than he should.  But as he goes back to looking at—more like scrutinizing at this point—his body, he zeroes in on the large, vertical, and very faint scar located on the right quadrant of his abdomen.  His eyes widen and his breath becomes a bit erratic.  He brings a trembling hand to the scar but only lets it hover.  This scar is a reminder.  Of what he once was, what he is, and what he will be from now on.  An artificial half-ghoul.

A monster.

Kaneki could feel the moisture building in his eyes, and he squeezes them shut to keep the tears at bay.  But that made things worse because now he is at the mercy of his mind conjuring all the terrible sensations from memories he has tried to bury: the phantom pain blooming from his right side, eyes, fingers, and toes, the sweet stench of blood and rotting corpses, the sound of hundreds of skittering legs, the shrill and booming laughs of both Rize and Yamori, the soft murmurs of his mind telling him to harm not only himself but those around him.

Kaneki clenches the sides of his head, fingers digging into his scalp.  He feels like he can’t get enough air, and his heart is beating way too fast.  ‘Calm down.  It’s all in the past.  You’re fine. None of this is real.’  He repeats these thoughts a couple of times while taking deep breaths to try and ease his turbulent mind.  A few minutes pass, and he figures that it is time to end his body inspection after almost succumbing to a panic attack.  As he slowly opens his eyes, they lock on to another scar; this one horizontal and located on his lower abdomen.  This one is also faint, but more recent.  He lets his hands fall from his head, but brings up his left one to run its fingers tentatively across the scar. It is then that he notices the ring of silver—lined with gold—that adorns his ring finger as well as the fresh hickeys and love bites scattered across his body.  A large one is located just above this particular scar.  His eyes soften, and he chokes out a sob.  ‘That’s right…’ he begins.  He closes his eyes and smiles.  He remembers how this scar came to be: the sweet sensations of that intimate night, the utter surprise and confusion that entailed that fateful hospital visit, the heaviness and swelling of his abdomen with each passing month, the euphoria when he heard their tiny cries for the first time.  This scar is also a reminder.  But unlike the other, this one tells him that he loves and is loved.

Kaneki hastily wipes his eyes and sets to putting on some clothes.  Just as he finishes fastening his belt, he hears three pairs of tiny feet scurrying up the stairs followed by a steadier pair.  He turns towards the bedroom door just in time to see it swing open and three small children running up to him.

“Mama!” they sort of shout in excited intervals, wrapping their little arms around his legs and pulling on the hemline of his cardigan sweater.  Kaneki’s smile is wide as he crouches down to the level of his three-year-olds and pull them into a big hug.

“Good morning, my little ones.  Did you enjoy your time with your grandparents?”  The triplets all start babbling at once, trying to tell Kaneki all that they did.  Kaneki couldn’t help the giggle trying to escape his lips.  Out of the corner of his eyes, he spots a head of blond. He fully turns his head to see Hide leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed, and looking at him and their children with amusement.  Kaneki’s eyes soften and a gentle smile is on his lips as he rises from his crouched position.  Hide also pushes away from the doorframe to meet Kaneki in the center of the room.  

“Good morning, Ken,” Hide says with so much tenderness.  He wraps his arms around Kaneki’s waist as Kaneki does the same around his neck.  

“Good morning, my love.”  He places a gentle kiss on the scarred skin on the left side of Hide’s face.  There are times when Kaneki still feels the immense guilt for ever harming his best friend—the love of his life.  Hide would always reassure him that it wasn’t his fault; that Kaneki was starving and on the verge of death.  He would also add that he is healing quite nicely.  And it is true.  The skin grafting surgery he received makes him look almost like his old self. Despite not needing to wear face masks anymore, Hide still opts to do so on occasion.  His reasoning is that some of the masks are cute, and he feels that he looks cooler in them.  Kaneki would always shake his head and smile.

“Ah, your eyes…” Hide trails, “They’re a bit red. Are you okay?”  He gently rubs the skin under Kaneki’s left eye, a look of concern on his face.  Kaneki’s own sports one of melancholy.

“Yeah.  I’ve been…looking at my scars.”  Hide’s eyes slowly widen at the admission, and he raises an eyebrow.

“Oh?”  He leans in and whispers, “Are there any new ones since last time?  I know I may have been a bit rough last night,” he says while waggling his eyebrows.  And just like that, the mood lightens again.

“Hide!” Kaneki yelps in embarrassment.  His eyes look in every direction instead of at his husband, and his cheeks begin to warm up considerably.  “Th-The kids are right there!” he whispers a bit too harsh. They both look over to see the triplets playfully jumping on their bed.  It seems they stopped paying attention to their parents a while ago. Kaneki sighs in relief, and Hide lets out a small chuckle.  They both look back at each other again and smile.  

“It’s alright, Ken.  Despite what you may think, I think your scars are beautiful because you are beautiful.”  Even though Kaneki hears this all the time from him, he is still stunned by the response. Hide then gives Kaneki’s nose a quick peck and turns to their children.  “Okay, who’s ready for lunch?”  Three little heads look in their direction, all with huge smiles.  They make their way off the bed with a little help from both Hide and Kaneki and head for the door.  Hide follows suit, but stops in the doorway to throw Kaneki a wink over his shoulder before exiting.  Kaneki hears his husband ask their triplets what they want to eat and then a barrage of answers afterward.  Their laughs and giggles could be heard throughout the house, and that made Kaneki smile wide once again.  His family just makes his heart swell so much.  As he goes to straighten the blankets on the bed, he catches his reflection in the mirror once again.  He gently places both hands on his clothed abdominal area and sighs.

Kaneki may not be very fond of the scar on the right, but he is getting better at getting used to it.  He guesses he should be a little thankful for it too.  For without that scar he would not have been blessed with the other below—his scar of love.

With this in mind, he turns and makes his way out of the bedroom, shutting off the light and closing the door behind him.  

[darisu-chan]

Hi darisu-chan, if you still are taking requests can I ask for a Touken Fic that shows kaneki's reaction at finding out touka´s pregnancy, and off course a little smut will be very much welcome tehee. Thank you so much in advance :)

Sorry for the delay! Here’s the fanfiction. It isn’t smutty, but next time I’ll publish smut. hehe. I also based this one-shot on this post. I figured that after today’s chapter we needed something light-hearted and fluffy. I hope you enjoy it!

MysteriousIllness

Summary: When Kaneki starts feeling weird, he sets up to findthe cause of his mysterious illness, which might be contagious, for Touka isfeeling bad too.

You can also read it here.

“And then,we found out that a group of Oggai was seen at the 19th ward…”

Kaneki triedto drown Tsukiyama’s voice out, but to no avail. It was honestly giving him aheadache. Kaneki felt like someone was hitting him hard with a hammer. Herubbed his forehead, sighing a little bit. He couldn’t wait for this meeting tobe over, although it was important for their safety. The Oggai were movingfast, and they also had to move to places where the chances of being caught wouldbe less likely. Still, Kaneki felt like he needed to rest for a couple ofhours. His head was killing him.

“Onii-chan,are you alright?” Hinami’s sweet voice startled him a bit. She had whisperedher question, so as to not interrupt Tsukiyama. She was also looking at himwith worried eyes.

The mansmiled. “Yes. Don’t worry, Hinami-chan.”

“Really?Because you look a bit pale.” The girl next to him replied.

Kanekiwasn’t surprised at all. He figured that since he wasn’t feeling well, it musthave been showing on the outside already. Still, he didn’t want to worryHinami.

“It’snothing, really.”

Hinamididn’t look convince, but she nodded and focused back on the meeting. Kanekisighed again, praying Tsukiyama would finish soon, or that someone wouldinterrupt him. His prayers were answered when Touka started speaking.

“Could youjust cut straight to the point already?” She barked at him. Next to her,Nishiki stifled a snicker.

Thank you, Touka-chan. Kaneki mentally thanked herand sent her a smile in appreciation.

Tsukiyama,ever the drama queen, got offended. “Excusezmoi, Kirishima-san, but the background information is important!” The manhuffed dramatically.

Touka rolledher eyes. “Then, proceed.”

“As I wassaying before being so rudely interrupted−“

Kaneki felthis head throbbing harder. “Tsukiyama, please just tell us your conclusions.”

“Oh, oui, of course my king!”  Tsukiyama Shuunodded happily. “We have concluded that the best course of action is to remainhere for at least this week. We’re far away enough from the Oggai to not be inany immediate danger. However, we might have to split again soon.”

Kanekifrowned at his answer but nodded. “Alright. Then we’ll wait. In the meantime,Tsukiyama, Ayato-kun, start looking for appropriate hideouts.”

“Hai.”

“Oui.”

Both mennodded.

“Then,you’re all dismissed.” Once they heard their king’s dismissal, they all exitedthe room, and went their separate ways. Only Hinami remained, looking atKaneki, still obviously concerned.

“You’reworking too hard, onii-chan. You should rest.”

“I know, andI will, don’t worry.” He patted her head tenderly.

Hinamipouted. “You should really rest and eat properly, or else onee-chan and I willget mad at you.”

Kanekilaughed. “It won’t have to come to that. I promise.”

“Okay. Seeyou later, onii-chan.” And with that, the girl left, joining Ayato, who hadbeen waiting for her at the door.

Once he wasleft alone, Kaneki rubbed his eyes tiredly. The truth was he had been feelingweird lately. His head tended to hurt, and he also felt weaker and sleepiermore often now. He guessed he had probably exhausted himself from all thethings that had happened, one after another. Things would get worse soon, andworrying so much was taking its toll on him. He sighed. Hinami was right. Heneeded to take care of himself better now. Everyone was counting on him.

He stretcheda bit, as a yawn escaped his lips. He definitely need to take a nap. Oh well,it’s not like he was going to do anything important. With that in mind, hewalked towards his bedroom. He opened the door softly, and smiled tenderly whenhis eyes gazed at a certain scene. Touka was on the bed, eyes closed, sleepingsoundly. She looked so pure and innocent. Simply breathtaking. Kaneki blushed abit, and started walking towards the bed. Careful of not waking her up, he tookboth his pants and shirt off, and then slipped right next to her, wrapping oneof his arms around her hips, bringing her to his chest.

“Hey.” Shesaid, sleepily.

“Hey,yourself.” Kaneki replied, grinning down at her. God, she was so cute.

Touka justsmiled back, and then pressed her head on Kaneki’s chest, using him as apillow. Her hands started playing with the ring which lay on his chest. Herhair tickled him.

“Are yousleepy?” He questioned, laughing a bit at the feeling of Touka’s hair on hischest.

“Hmmm.” Shemurmured, not opening her eyes.

“Me too.” Hesaid, and started rubbing her back.

Touka openedher eyes again. “Then let’s take a nap.”

Kanekikissed her softly on the lips. “Great idea.”

Then, bothgot into a better position, still holding each other, and closed their eyes.

Kaneki’sexhaustion was just the beginning of what he called his mysterious illness. Firstthere were headaches and feeling sleepy all the time, then he started being abit moody, which he attributed to his aforementioned pains, but things gotworse that week. For instance, one evening he had been reading some reports,when he suddenly got very hungry. Itwasn’t that strange, since he actually was supposed to eat soon anyway, butwhat was weird is that he was craving a specifickind of food.

“God, it’dbe great to eat some eyes now!” Heexclaimed, referring to no one in particular.

Nishiki, whowas next to him, raised an eyebrow. “Eyes? Since when do you prefer them? Ithought you didn’t care about what kind of meat you eat.”

Kanekifrowned a bit at that. “I don’t… I just thought it’d be good to eat some rightnow.”

Tsukiyama,who was just passing by, heard the conversation and decided to put his twocents. “Oh, Kaneki-kun! You read my mind! What kind would you prefer? Blue yes?Green eyes? Big ones? Smaller ones? Or maybe dark ones like yours?” At this, hewalked closer to Kaneki, until they were face to face, trying to touch hisface.

Kanekislapped his hand away. “Any would do, really. I don’t have a preference.”

“Then I’llgo fetch you some de inmediato!” Tsukiyamaexclaimed, and dashed through the door.

Touka chosethat exact moment to walk in. “What’s got Tsukiyama in a hurry?” She asked thetwo men in the room.

“I wascraving eyes, and Tsukiyama went to fetch some for me.”

Toukanodded. “Yeah, they do sound niceright now.” She drooled a little.

“Right? Iwish I could eat them all day!” Kaneki said, drooling too.

Nishikilooked at them with disgust clear on his face. “You two are acting weird.”

“What’sweird about eating eyes? You eat them too, shitty Nishiki.” Touka replied.

“It’s weirdthat you’re having a fascination for them out of the blue!”

The youngwoman rolled her eyes. “You’re exaggerating.”

“Whatever.”Nishio scoffed.

Kanekithought too that Nishiki was blowing the situation out of proportion. But thatnight, he started questioning if it was actually weird or not to suddenly havecravings. He had never craved any specific human part before. He had justcraved meat in general. He supposed that if humans could crave any specifickind of food, so could ghouls. He shrugged and stopped worrying about it, untilnext day he was craving liver.

Things tooka turn for the worse the morning before Goat’s next meeting. Kaneki was fastasleep, when he was woken up with a startle by a sudden movement on the bed.Touka had sprung from Kaneki’s arms, and had dashed straight to the bathroom,where she began throwing up on the toilet. The sounds alarmed the man, who rantowards the bathroom, and started gently rubbing his lovers back.

“There,there, Touka-chan.” He said softly, still rubbing her back, and making sure herhair was out of the way.

Although hetried to appear calm, he was panicking inside. Had Touka been eating human foodagain? No, that was impossible. She had no reason to do such a thing. Maybe shewas just sick. But what kind of sickness was that? Did ghouls even get sick?

Once she hadstopped vomiting, she sat on the floor heaving. Kaneki leaned down and cleaned theremains off of her face with a wet towel. He then flushed the toilet.

“Thank you.”Touka said in appreciation, and smiled weakly at him. With Kaneki’s help, shestood up, her legs shaking as she did so.

“Are youfeeling better?” He asked her.

“Yeah, mystomach’s not queasy anymore.” She replied. She still looked very pale, andKaneki didn’t like that.

He frowned,but before he could say anything more, his stomach began cramping, and nextthing he knew, he was on his knees, throwing up on the toilet. Touka cried outhis name in alarm, and sat next to him, rubbing his back much like he had donewith her earlier. Once he was done, he flushed the toilet again, and rested hisback on the cold wall.

“How are youfeeling?” Touka asked him worriedly, pushing his hair back.

“A littlebetter.” He replied.

Toukasighed, and sat closer to him, putting her head on his shoulder. Kanekiimmediately hugged her, pulling her even closer to him. Both were breathingheavily, and were pale. On the back of his mind, the man thought it wasprobably better if they both walked to bed and tried to sleep more. However,they were too weak to stand up yet, and remained in that position for a fewminutes.

“Maybe weate rotten meat?” Touka elaborated.

“Maybe…”Kaneki replied, definitely not convinced that was the cause.

He stood up,using the wall as leverage, and pulled Touka up with him. “Let’s go back tobed.” He said, taking her by the hand, and leading her to the bedroom. They laydown, Kaneki wrapping his arms around her like he liked to do. They instantlyfell asleep, being exhausted and weak.

They woke uphours later, still weak and pale. They shrugged and got ready for the meeting,but deep down, Kaneki’s mind was reeling, trying to find the cause for thesickness. He tried to recall if they had, in fact, eaten rotten meat. If therewas even the slightest possibility of that happening. But he couldn’t rememberanything. As far as he knew, the meat he had eaten had tasted just fine.Besides, the rest of his companions would be ill too, and they all lookedhealthy, their cheeks rosy, and acting like normal. The other probability wasthat either Touka or him had caught a virus, and had infected the other throughsaliva exchange. Then the question was what kind of virus they had, and howthey had become infected in the first place.

During themeeting, Kaneki’s stomach kept cramping. He prayed he didn’t start throwing upright then and there, alarming everyone. He also kept shooting glances atTouka, who still looked pale but remained impassive. He couldn’t see if she wasfeeling well by her expression, so he hoped she was doing better than he was.Shaking his head, he focused back on the meeting taking place.

“The bestcourse of action is to separate again, and meet in another location after aweek.” Kaneki said, after having listened to all reports. “Let’s divide insmall groups, so as to not attract attention.”

“He justsays that to be alone with you-know-who.”Nishiki joked, then a thud was heard, and the man yelped. “What the hell wasthat for, Shitty Touka?!”

“I don’tknow what you’re talking about, Shitty Nishiki.”

Kanekirolled his eyes, but did his best to ignore them. “Then, if there are noquestions, let’s prepare. We leave tomorrow.”

As he packedhis few belongings, Kaneki started thinking hard about this mysterious illness.Now that he thought about it, yesterday he had felt slightly nauseous when hehad smelled the coffee Yomo-san had prepared. It was weird, but he didn’t thinkmuch about it then. Then, he thought about his other symptoms, like havingheadaches and feeling weak. Perhaps they were correlated. However, he was nodoctor, and couldn’t possibly pinpoint the cause. Asking Banjou was out of thequestion, he didn’t want to alarm anyone. He looked at the computer they usedto read the news. Maybe if he searched for the answers on the internet? Itseemed like a stretch, but perhaps it could give him an idea. He had nothing tolose. Shrugging, he turned on the computer, and then proceeded to write hissymptoms on the search bar.

“Let’s see…”He spoke aloud. “Headaches, sleepiness, feeling tired, cravings, nausea, andvomiting… Hmmm… it seems kind of general… Whatever.” And he pressed enter.

The firstten results were all about the same illness, or rather, situation. Am I pregnant? Howto know you’re pregnant, Pregnancy symptoms, and such articles appeared infront of Kaneki’s eyes. His first reaction was to mentally yell But I’m not pregnant! Then he felt sillyfor even contemplating that possibility and laughed at himself. “I should’vespecified my gender.” He chuckled. Out of curiosity, he started reading thefirst article. All of his symptoms, plus some more were listed there. “Yeah, itdoes sound like I’m pregnant. Too bad it’s impossible. I’m a guy after all.”Then his mind came to a halting screech. It dawned on him that he wasn’t theonly one feeling sick. Touka had alsobeen sick lately.

“I’m justsleepy.” She had told him one time that he had found her taking a nap on thecouch.

“Are youokay?” He had asked Touka one time, when she had been rubbing her forehead.

“Just aheadache, it’ll pass soon.”

Then therewere the cravings they had both shared, and how they had thrown up thatmorning.

“What elsedoes this say?” He asked, and started reading the article closely. It listed asa first symptom missing your period. Now, he didn’t really know about thatstuff. But he hadn’t seen or smelled blood on her, so she hadn’t had hers yet.He skimmed the list until he found other symptoms beside the ones he hadalready checked. Moodiness. Well, Touka was sometimes moody on a regular basis.There was no change in that. Swollen breasts. He flushed at that. He ponderedfor a moment, asking himself if they had seemed bigger lately, but couldn’tactually remember. Being horny. He went red again. The truth was, ever sincetheir first time together, they had been unable to keep their hands off of eachother when alone and not in public. Most nights had been spent in the art oflove making, exploring their bodies, finding out what made them moan, and whatmade them scream. They hadn’t been using protection, though. Kaneki wasn’treally thinking, and he figured Touka wasn’t either. He blanched.

“Okay… itmight not be that. I mean, we bothshare the symptoms, and I can’t be…” He shook his head to clear his thoughts, andtyped again on the search bar Pregnancysymptoms in males. The results made him gasp. Couvade syndrome, it read. A condition in which a father-to-be canexperience the same symptoms as his partner. A type of shared pregnancy. Hestood up, shaking and having trouble breathing. Touka could be pregnant! OhGod! What were they going to do now? What was he supposed to say? Was shealright? What if she was feeling sick right then?! Driven purely by instinct,he rushed to their bedroom, opening the door frantically. Touka was resting onthe bed, reading a book, but became alarm when she saw Kaneki’s appearance.

“Iseverything alright?” She asked, already standing up.

“You’repregnant.” Kaneki blurted out before he could even begin to explain himself.

Toukablushed. “Wha−?”

He cut heroff before she could continue. “It makes sense! You’re sleepy, and probablynauseous since you threw up this morning! You have headaches! You look pale!And we haven’t been careful, so it could be…” He ranted, not pausing to breatheuntil she stopped him.

“Kaneki.”

“What?”

“Sit.” Sheinstructed, patting the space next to her. He did as he was told. Toukabreathed deeply. “You’re right. I haven’t been feeling well lately.” She beganexplaining. “And I haven’t got my period yet…” She mumbled quietly. Then, shetook his hands and placed them on her flat belly. “So, I do think that I might bepregnant.” Her cheeks turned the most beautiful shade of pink, and she gave hima bright smile.

Kanekisucked breath, before beaming at her. His hands started gently caressing herabdomen. “I’ll take care of both of you… My family…” He whispered, and thenleaned down to kiss Touka. She held him closer to her body and deepened thekiss.

“I know youwill.” Then she frowned. “But this doesn’t explain why you’ve been sick lately.”

Kanekilaughed, and scratched his head in embarrassment. “Well it seems guys can sharethe symptoms with their pregnant partners.”

Toukasnorted. “Figures you’d feel pregnant too.”

They bothlaughed, and held each other again.

[thekillerkiwi]

(Neta sí, especialmente como dejé el otro drabble haha.. ¡Espero te guste!) (This is also the prompt I told you guys turned into a monster instead of being a short cute thing, haha.) Prompt #6: “I’ve tried to move on, but no one is you.”

In an alternate universe in which Tsukiyama leaves with his father to Europe after Kaneki drops him from the Eclipse building, Kaneki asks for Tsukiyama one day and they tell him he is alive and well, but elsewhere. Kaneki tries and tries to forget him; he doesn’t even understand why it’s an issue in the first place. He didn’t think about him before, right? He didn’t wonder if he had made it, when he fell from the roof? If V had taken him? He hadn’t thought about Tsukiyama in the months it took him to track down Takatsuki Sen and raid Cochlea. Not once.

 He thought about him when he saw his closest acquaintances and friends in :re, but not him.

 His absence stood out like a sore thumb for some reason, especially when he saw Banjou and Hinami. Tsukiyama would always rile Banjou up and bicker, he would always bring Hinami dresses, sit together and read. With him around, their department was never quiet. Kaneki grips his claws and the sting against palms calms him.

 Then, when flowers were delivered in the mornings in :re for the decorations in the tables, he sits in the table where Touka is fixing the flowers in glass vases. His mind wanders to the flowers Tsukiyama would bring. Daisies, sunflowers, tulips, primroses, lilies… Tsukiyama loved to arrange them and decorate their kitchen and living room. He’d even sneak some into his room, white rose-like declarations he’d never admit to understanding. Kaneki blushes as he picks out a delicate looking stem holding five bell-like flowers from the vase Touka is fixing and sighs deeply. Touka raises a delicate brow. “What a liar...”

 Kaneki sighs yet again and droops onto the table, head on his crossed arms. Touka knows pretty well he is most definitely not talking about her, but she’s kind of curious about who he is talking about. Kaneki doesn’t giver her the chance to ask, as he immediately stands up and leaves, the small lily-of-the-valley he picked up earlier crushed and forgotten. Touka rolls her eyes, So melodramatic…

 Then it’s when he’s sparring with Banjou or Ayato, when he goes to the rooftop to think, when he sees Hinami reading a book, when he joins the others to eat. Tsukiyama is everywhere. He’s in his right-handed lift and left-legged kick, at the edge of the rooftop telling him he doesn’t know him, in every book he knows they both liked, in the way he eats almost all his meat in a stew that looks almost human. He begins to feel it; it’s not just his mind, it’s an ache in his chest, it’s a longing. Why now, he’ll think in the battlefield, as he uses his kagune to fend off an attacker coming from behind, why does he think about him now as he stands over yet another carcass of a Clown.

 Hinami and Banjou knew from the start, how he kept looking for another person amongst their group. Nishiki figured out his eyes, how they kept turning towards the horizon, how he kept looking for someone that wasn’t there; he knew that look. It was his own. And then… Touka figured out his body language, a body that was satisfied but unhappy, a man who could love her but didn’t.

She gave him her ring anyways. Because she didn’t have sex, didn’t make love, to make him love her, but to make him stay. Kaneki loved her like he loved Hinami, like he loved Hide. They were his family and Touka thought the same; she just didn’t want to lose her family anymore. She hoped that ring would remind him not of her, but of the shape of good memories. That ring is more than a proof that her parents lived; it was a proof that her parents loved each other, just like her and Ayato. They are the living proof of their love. She wants Kaneki to have that too. Proof that he is loved, proof that he will be missed.

 And then, few months later, the battles have given shape to a war, the wave is about to crest, and the ghouls are cornered into the underground. They are going to starve, he knows, Nishiki knows, Touka knows. Even with the help of Ogura and the Great Wheel Act or the real residents of the Underground city of the 24th Ward, Goat cannot change the tide by themselves. Kaneki goes into another battlefield… but it seems to be their last. His forces have been scattered in the bones of the 24th Ward, he is being cornered by several investigators, he can see his closest friends fighting for their lives and cannot help them. The world seems to be caving in, Kaneki can’t close his eyes.

 Then, from the sky they came.

 Hundreds of ghouls of different nationalities, all dropping from parachutes and aircrafts and ropes from rooftops of various buildings. They win that battle, they bring food and water, and hope. Kaneki drops to his knees as a helicopter touches down several feet ahead of him. A familiar purple haired man comes out the door, dressed in the same black military apparel all the other ghouls around him are wearing. He walks towards him at a brisk pace and drops unto his knees before him, worried lines crinkling his eyes and brows.

 Kaneki hears him say his name, but he’s too overwhelmed. Tsukiyama takes him by the shoulders and shakes him roughly, thinking the worst, but Kaneki only hangs his head in response. He can believe it now. Tsukiyama is alive. He starts laughing, a small wretched gasp, then he’s hugging him. The purple haired man stiffens until he hears that soft, relieved whisper of his old leader,

 “You’re back.”

 Tsukiyama picks him up, takes him in his arms, and takes him home.

 -

 When Kaneki wakes, he’s back in his rooms in one of the abandoned underground buildings of the 24th Ward and can’t help but think he was merely dreaming. He blinks away the sleep, tries to ignore the sting of unshed tears hanging on the corner of his eyes, and sits up. He raises his claw-like hands to his face to clear those tears away when he notices he’s not alone. His heart speeds up immediately, his shoulders tense, he feels his tongue like sandpaper, as he turns to see Tsukiyama in a plain black t-shirt and jeans right next to his bed, sitting in a rickety wooden chair, eyes lowered, book in hand. It’s one of his favorite books. Tsukiyama looks up to meet his gaze, closes the worn down book and sets it on the short bedside table beside him. One of their favorite books. Kaneki gulps, but cannot feel any saliva in the back of his throat, only the cresting feeling of thirst. Tsukiyama offers him a short, twist of his mouth (and Kaneki thinks Tsukiyama could make even a grimace look handsome) and says, “I think I got here just in the nick of time, wouldn’t you say, Kaneki?”

 The One-Eyed King is speechless and looks like he was hit in the head; he can’t seem to meet his gaze. Tsukiyama dares smile more easily and continues cheerily, “That was probably the first time I felt happy about leaving Japan.. I finally felt like I was of better use abroad, although...”

 Tsukiyama lowers his eyes, then, and looks at his own folded hands as he speaks, “Although the state of Goat is beyond what we initially thought.. I feel ashamed I didn’t come--”

 “Don’t you dare,” Kaneki interrupts, voice strong, eyes hard. Tsukiyama raises his head and they finally meet each other’s gaze.

 “Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” Kaneki breathes in and out slowly as he sees the quiet acquiescence of Tsukiyama’s frame relaxing and continues, “You came back. You saved us from what we thought was our final battle. Please don’t belittle what you have done for us.”

 Tsukiyama feels tears behind his eyes, but doesn’t dare bring them forward. He wasn’t expecting this reaction; this sincere Kaneki. He can feel his regret for leaving bubbling beneath his skin again, just like in the beginning.

  He smiles, as much as he can, and whines good-naturedly, “But I would have stayed with you, been with you, longer! Now who knows?”

 Kaneki smiles bitterly, but says, “It’s war; just this meeting is forcing the laws of Murphy.”

 Tsukiyama shakes his head quickly then meets Kaneki’s gaze again, “No.. I should have stayed.. I wished I had all the time I was away.”

 Kaneki’s eyes widen at that. Tsukiyama blushes slightly and turns to look to the side, surprisingly bashful.

 “At first-- I won’t lie-- I was heart broken..” He twists and turns his hands in his lap as he says, “That decision you took on the rooftop shook me to the bone. I.. I think I.. hated you for a while.”

 Kaneki turns to his own clawed hands and he can see Tsukiyama screaming as he falls, ignores the sounds of begging and crying, and turns away before the fall. He closes his eyes trying to dispel the memory; hearing Tsukiyama talk about it makes his guilt worse, makes his heart ache in ways he has been trying to ignore since he left. However, Tsukiyama continues,

“But I couldn’t really. I.. I tried so hard to move on. I really did.”

 Tsukiyama’s voice has dropped to a whisper, almost as if he was saying something he had never shared out loud. Just like Kaneki’s longing… undeciphered but not unknown. He turns to see the man he had called his sword, the man who called him sir. Dearest. Mine. Tsukiyama’s standing up, he couldn’t stay down, he had say his piece so purple irises meet with ash brown. His voice starts to rise,

 “But you were everywhere. In my habits, in my memories. Oh how you tortured me so sweetly in my dreams!”

 Kaneki’s eyes widen, his lips press together, stark white, but Tsukiyama continues, relentless, like a dam that’s breaking, “And no matter what I tried or who I met, none of them.. No one was..”

 He suddenly seems to remember himself, where he is, their circumstances, the war, their past,  and the fight leaves him entirely. The truth is withheld, but the dam is already broken. Its remains strewn about, dry. Kaneki is still parched, but now knows where the water leads… Tsukiyama hangs his head in defeat, not daring to look up at Kaneki. The white haired ghoul has never made his mind up this quickly:

 He stands up right there, beside his bed, in front of Tsukiyama and dares to thread his claw-like hand through his purple hair. Very softly, like talking to a scared animal, he beckons him, “Tsukiyama.. Please. Look at me.”

 He feels the man stiffen, yet dare to hope as he looks up to see him. Kaneki looks like he’s about to crumble too. Tsukiyama’s hands raise to steady him, hold his waist, and Kaneki smiles, genuinely.

 “...‘But no one was you,’ right...?”

 Tsukiyama feels Kaneki’s fingers leave his hair, trace his jaw, and softly hold his chin while they both stare openly at each other. Kaneki slowly leans in with a careful smile and says as confidently as he could, “It seems, my dearest, that we are of like-minds.”

 Tsukiyama lets himself cry, then.