#I should detach myself from everybody

[notmorbid]

big swiss.

dialogue prompts from big swiss: a novel by jen beagin.

your aura is the size of a barge.

so you do have feelings?

i'm a shit-thinker, not a shit-talker.

where are you from, originally?

do you sing? are you a singer?

i don't use what happened to me as an excuse.

i'm a worker, not a wallower.

trauma doesn't get you a lifelong 'get out of jail free' card.

my siblings are dicks. i'd never die for them.

you seem disconnected from your body.

have you ever seen so many narcissists gathered in one place? be honest.

we hate all the same things.

why would you google such a thing?

people are almost never articulate about their pain.

there's not a lot of shame in this town.

it's not haunted. it's cursed, which is slightly different.

i never expected to feel this way again.

enough about me. did you have an okay childhood?

i've always been drawn to darksiders.

we just met. i don't want to scare you.

did you fit in, or were you a weirdo?

sleeping alone is my greatest unfiltered joy.

sounds like you read my diary.

call me before you do anything stupid, okay? promise.

perhaps you're unaware of it, but your every thought is written on your face.

i'm rarely lonely because i like my own brain.

anger can be cleansing, too.

better the devil you know.

aren't you afraid of getting caught?

you could talk to a hole in the wall.

i can't have more than one friend at a time.

people only live like this if they're on really good drugs.

i wish i saw myself in you.

do people say 'boss' anymore? you know, as a synonym for 'cool'?

a group of vultures is called a 'committee', which is kind of cute.

don't finish my sentences.

i don't respond well to verbal compliments. they seem phony to me.

dog parks are for people, not dogs.

did you just say what i think you said?

first thought, worst thought.

it feels like we already know each other.

i'm a thinker, not a feeler.

do i seem gay to you?

i was born with bags under my eyes.

what's more off-putting than namedropping?

i wouldn't know what to do with money, except piss it away.

are you going to make obscure references all night?

are you always this intense?

i distrust people pleasers.

you can't steal from the library. it's extremely bad luck.

luck is my only religion.

i don't feel like myself. or maybe i feel more like myself.

you've been standing there for twenty minutes.

last night i dreamed there were eight of you, and i didn't know which one was real.

i feel like you're hiding something from me, but i can't figure out what it is.

i think about you when you're not around.

don't tell me you talk to me in your head.

i fantasized about your forearms for weeks.

i might be growing a third eye.

lie next to me for a minute.

you already have what you're looking for. it's already there, inside you.

i'm feeling pretty gay, to be honest.

you look incredible for your age. you know that, right?

i watch porn now, thanks to you.

i am, in fact, a terrible actor. friend. human being.

stories change, depending on the audience. everybody knows that.

can you see what kind of night i've had?

you have the most expressive mouth i've ever seen.

you're not as detached as you think.

have you ever been happy?

i feel like a patch of moving fog, most of the time.

your ability to compartmentalize bewilders me.

you should try living in the world. or, i don't know, reading a newspaper.

i feel like i'm accessing and inhabiting one of my past lives.

i feel radicalized. ready to fight.

it's an omen. one of us is about to die.

you look more alive than you have in years.

are the words 'adult' and 'adultery' related?

i missed you. grievously.

what is that scent you're wearing?

i've been trying to ease my way into telling you about it.

before we met, i felt frozen. now i'm a puddle on the floor.

there's an air of doom about you.

you seem profoundly lonely.

so i make people want to kill themselves?

i tend to attract damaged people. broken toys.

i love being in public with you.

i am a master of the charade.

i never pity the rich.

do you consider me distant and unfeeling?

there's something actually wrong with you.

confess. unburden yourself. take responsibility.

we're not 'dating'. don't be disgusting.

i'm having an allergic reaction to your horrible personality.

i think we might be in love.

i had a very intense dream about ____ the other night.

what's happening to you?

one of the pitfalls of same-sex relationships? you can't break down in peace in public restrooms.

flowering dogwoods are bisexual. like us.

your 'tough girl' routine is pretty transparent, at this point.

it wouldn't be paranoia if i had any control over it.

you don't seem afraid to take emotional risks.

are you trying to get me to leave you?

you'll have to reinvent yourself.

do you know how many bathrooms i've cried in? thirteen.

i don't trust you right now, but i do care about you.

maybe you should try sitting with your discomfort.

i'd rather live like an animal than in some fantasy where people only have control over me if i let them.

you millennials and your utopias, i swear to god. you're so attached to your vision, to your virtue, to your supposedly good intentions. to being on the right side of everything.

why is it so dark in here?

i called and called but you weren't picking up, so i started walking.

you don't have a casual bone in your body. not one.

get under the covers. i'll sit with you until you fall asleep.

i'm always suspicious of people who openly worship their families.

if you can't even say it, maybe it's not something you should be doing.

you must have dirt on everyone in town.

i'm not done with you. i'm not sure i'll ever be.

this is a gossip-free zone.

you don't seem like a horse person.

your world seems like a good place to disappear.

you need to have more compassion for yourself.

i know my heart seems like it's in one piece, but it's not. it's all smashed up.

i was just looking for a way to feel better.

i've survived a thing or two, same as you.

you give up too easily. even in arguments.

is there anyone you actually care about?

i chose you. over and over.

i've never been more myself with anyone. including myself.

we all have an inner shithead. maybe you need to shake hands with yours.

i was too ashamed to tell you, or anyone else.

sometimes it's hard to let go of a secret companion, even if they're shitty company.

[gryficowa]

Boycott!

Liberals to "Trump Worse" and Zionists to "But Hamas!" they deserve each other, the same type of detachment from reality and strenuous denial that they support genociders

We should simply treat blue people the same way as Zionists, i.e. complicit in and supporting genociders

The level of liberals is simply no different from that of Zionists

And to those feminists who are silent about Gaza, Sudan and Congo: Fuck you, we all know you are radical transphobic and racist bigots lol

Now that I have your attention:

[thedumestflower]

okay so, like a year or two ago i made a really bad rant about the boyfriends webtoon and i fucking hate it, its written in bad taste and i was way to incoherent but i do wanna say this:

the boyfriends webtoon shouldn't have gotten the amount of hate it did, the creator shouldn't of been harassed or anything like that, alot of people hated it because it was gay, and alot of people hated it because how it showed gay people, but its just a cutesy and fluffy and overall harmless little comic about gay people. And you cant fault it for that, i can however, talk about my very subjective and influenced view of how is overall kind of mid as a story.

The characters feel very weak and not very realistic or intriguing to me. The creator gave them real problems and issues but the fact that everything is so cutesy and pastel, and everyone is so supportive and loving that no problem really feels like a problem, it usually gets resolved in a couple of chapters anyways, none of them are really flawed, like actually flawed in any realistic way either, im not saying they should all be tragic and sad and all hate eatch other, but i just feel like its missing a lot of things in its story. it just feels like its detached from reality. And i know its because its ment to be a comfort thing, but from my subjective and very influenced veiw its just not that good of a story.

Another thing very me specific is that the gimick that the characters have are based off of highschool tropes, and that in itself would be fun, but the creator doesn't do anything to intresting or creative with them, and they barley even conform to the tropes they claim to be, and i know the creator tries to subvert those tropes but it feels like its just falls flat (again with the characters haveing no dimension to them and feeling very disconected from reality) i could talk about this in more detail but this is already gonna be long as shit so i wont.

another problem with the story is that the characters all got together within the like, first 15 chapters of the story, and the rest of it is them just dicking around, and that would of been fine but the characters aren't interesting or intriguing or anything enough for me to care about them, and because its a romance story, i think the "will they wont they" should of been stretched out a lot longer.

something i also wanna touch a little bit on is that im not the biggest fan about how the asexual character was represented, and i know the creator is mega projecting onto him, but as a aroace myself i dont think i like the fact that the asexual was also sexualized, and again im aware that this character is a projection of the creator, and i do understand that people who are ace can and do have sex for any reason and that they are still valid, i also wanna say the main ace representation in the boyfriends webtoon, the ace representation who i feel is very sexualized, and who the creator drew actual porn of, is not a very good representation of asexuals and personally makes me uncomfortable

at the end of the day, the boyfriends webtoon is harmless, its just a cute pastel webtoon, and if you like it? then hey! good for you! you can engage in media you enjoy without other people telling you what to do, and i respect you for that! I hope you keep liking your little gay webcomic.

have a good day everybody

[beautifulpersonpeach]

BPP I'm so exhausted and heart broken over this NewJeans mess. Funny thing is I got into the group after seeing you talk about them late last year, I fell in love with Ditto and started watching them closely. I saw how MHJ would treat them and smile at them in candid shots like the Lolla show, and felt at ease that they would continue to succeed with her managing them.

But since this issue started when I try to express why I'm uneasy with HYBE controlling NewJeans, I'm downvoted to negatives on reddit and qrted to hell on Twitter. Army friends have unfollowed me even though I've said I'm against the hate on BTS. I don't even stan NewJeans the way I do BTS, but because I'm critical of Hybe and siding with Ador, I'm called all sorts of names and yesterday Armys tried to suspend my account. Even BigHit's former choreographer has come out in support of Ador, other idols have publicly come out in support of NewJeans and N Capital came out to refuse Hybe's claims that MHJ met them to take Ador out. I feel things are not as Black and White as Armys are saying about this issue, and that NewJeans is under risk if MHJ leaves.

Everybody is calling me crazy and on one hand it's whatever. I know how kpop stans are in general so I'm not surprised, but I'm truly starting to worry. I started writing this ask 3 times before settling on what I've written now, because I kept getting choked up. I know its just kpop and I shouldn't be this attached, but I'm so scared BPP. Those girls are not even 2 years old as a group and their future is already looking so bleak when at the start of this year, their future was so bright. I remember you said they might technically even get a Grammy nomination this year. I feel sad and angry but I'm unable to express myself freely in all the fandom spaces I usually spend time in.

What should I do? How can I handle this? If it were you, what would you do? Sorry if this ask is super whiny but you always have good advice and I need some right now.

***

Listen, you already know what you should do. You just seem to lack the will to do it, at least that's what it seems like.

ARMY is the largest fandom in k-pop and they've deemed NewJeans as persona non grata. Most other HYBE fandoms also aren't looking too keenly on NewJeans and with how obsessive k-pop stans are in everything they do, this will be a long-term problem for NewJeans and their fandom. If Bunnies were a bigger fandom it wouldn't be too much of a problem, but they aren't, so the lifetime of the group is already halved.

If you only got into NewJeans six months ago and you're already this attached, you need a cold turkey break. Things are looking grim given the girls have expressed support for MHJ, and it's very unlikely HYBE will lose this case. Those girls are more or less done, so I'd say you should cut your losses and start detaching from them now to spare yourself more heartbreak later. Also, block the 'ARMY friends' who are downvoting, quote tweeting, and otherwise harassing you. You're in fandom to enjoy a community about the things you love, not to get stuck in never-ending arguments with people who have little else going on in their real lives.

The primary danger of k-pop, is getting sucked in. A lot of people here are fully, irredeemably sucked in. On both sides of this matter, ARMYs, Bunnies and kpoppies alike, the majority of this crowd is people who think they are normal but have lost any real semblance of perspective on what this industry is and of their place in it. You need to cut loose because you seem to already be in a somewhat fragile state, and what this space does is pervert that hurt you feel into a tribal sort of resentment.

I can't really say what I would do if I were you, because I don't feel attached to NewJeans the way you do. It's a shame the girls have become collateral damage, but given how quickly they became massively successful in this industry, this is unfortunately a more expected outcome for them, than not. It's sad, but that's the nature of things here. I like BTS, but like I've said many times before, I don't see myself as having any significant influence over their careers and choices. Whatever they choose to do with HYBE or whatever is their business, I simply keep supporting them for as long as I like them and the music they make.

This mess with HYBE is peculiar (and different from the 50-50 case) because NewJeans and ADOR are saying they don't want to leave HYBE (yet), while HYBE is punishing them as though they are asking the courts to let them leave HYBE. It's created a situation such that even if NewJeans stays or leaves, they are in a sense doomed, to be blunt. And you need to make your peace with that.

Some ideas to help:

A cold turkey break is very needed. The way you're talking about this group doesn't seem healthy. It wouldn't seem healthy if you were talking about BTS either. It might be a good idea to block anything related to k-pop for the next two weeks. Things will only get messier because the stakes are high, and HYBE has shown they have no problem going low. For your sanity, I really think you should stay away cold turkey and tightly curate your online spaces when you return.

Consider stepping away from Twitter and Reddit. I'm less familiar with Reddit but for Twitter, you have the option of making your account private, blocking the ARMYs harassing you, finding more sensible Bunnies to commiserate with, using lists to keep up with topics and accounts, etc.

Consider spending more time on Phoning. After taking some time to cool off, use NewJeans' app to connect more directly with the girls to show them love and support.

Try to focus on the music. NewJeans will have comebacks on May 24th and June 21st. The best way to support those girls now, is to focus on their music and support that. Personally, I've already ordered full sets of their albums since this might be the last ones we see with Min Heejin's creative direction. (Also, they might become collectable lol). Of course I hope that's not the case, but supporting their music is the most direct way to support the girls right now, in my opinion.

I'm sorry you're in this state, I'm even more sorry that the girls are in this state, but you need to detach and remember they have their own lives, are making their own choices, and that has nothing to do with you.

Good luck.

[uncle-alam]

sigh I hope I'm not bothering you with this indopak shabang

Y'know if I'm being honest, how long are we going to drag the past with us? It's clearly not doing either of the nations any good. I feel it's just the egos of those involved initially (I mean both the parties involved) from way back then, continuously being able to propagate their fantasies to the later generations involved and running the show even today.

Of course letting go is easier said than done, but they should consider at least thinking about. And then generation that was there back then, gone through all of it, aren't they tired too? Was it not just a few people shepherding the rest of the masses for their idontknowwhatwentonintheirhead cause? The sentiments involved, people must think of where the sentiments have stemmed from?

Is all of this really worth the hate and enmity? Does everybody actually want this? Do we really not have a choice to stop it?

And yes, of course I'm not delusional enough to think it's all gone stop one with a few signatures here and there but.. is there really no way out?

What's your take on this?

[p.s: I won't call myself completely caught up with everything that has happened in the 7 decades, I'll eventually do it, but that's just my opinion, no hate, nothing whatsoever-]

hi anon. sorry for not replying to you earlier - I've been really scattered. I've gotten so many followers on my otherwise comfortably obscure blog that it's honestly thrown me for a loop. I didn't want to ignore your ask though since you've put it forward with fairly sincere intentions.

I just want to begin by saying that I'm just another teenager on the internet. You shouldn't be turning to me for political insights in order to guide you while you form your own opinions. I know I've been posting a lot about the recent indo-pak tensions but I was mostly doing that because, as a Lahori, it was on my mind. I didn't expect it to get traction, especially among so many indian bloggers. I really don't want to talk too much about politics online - my opinions are my personal business - but as a prospective uni student hoping study subcontinental history this is admittedly a subject I have a lot of feelings about. So I'm just going to say a few things that are on my mind.

I understand what you're trying to say here and agree with parts of it - yes this current political climate has been worsened because of the egos of men in power. Yes it can be disillusioning to be suddenly and abruptly surrounded with so much hate from nationalists on either side of the border. The conclusion that you've reached seems reasonable and straightforward in your mind and I can see why it is that way. I don't disagree with your outlook here, but do have some comments on it.

I mean, I also wish we could simply wish away nationalism and fascism and live in some kind of imagined world of harmony and peace. I know it seems like such a simple and straightforward solution to just make everyone simply drop their senseless hate. But this kind of thinking seems very detached to me, it doesn't take into consideration the ground reality of the world we live in. I know our present circumstances are ugly and hateful and frankly quite depressing - but it's where we are. The best we can do right now is understand why we are in this situation to begin with, rather than writing off reactionary points of view as foolish and hateful we should try to figure out where exactly they come from.

There is one thing you said that I disagree with. We must drag the past with us. Under no circumstances should we ignore it, brush it under the carpet and move on. Any understanding of the present can only be reached once you have some kind of grasp on the layers and layers of history that lie behind every headline. The scars of partition are deep and they are still raw. The generation which saw it is still alive. Nothing is too long ago. All of history is relevant to us in the present. My suggestion to you is to channel your frustrations about the current situation toward trying to do a bit of research in your own time. I know it's a chore but nothing is more rewarding than learning about the past and then watching your understanding of the present unfold.

Yeah anyway that's my two cents. I don't know if it helped at all.

[bfdifan26]

please do list of every burner depression i love this show so so much you should do that

okay! thank you for enabling me. disclaimer im not a Depression Expert i pretty much only know what i go through myself. have fun

ok so roomy isnt a contestant but i do wanna talk about her. i feel like the whole thing with her literally being the room can be compared to something like a kid with depression not leaving their room and just living within a tight window of reality, only ever speaking to their parents and stuff. i feel like roomy can be related to that as she literally can’t leave. like executive dysfunction the character. also her personality, only caring about being nice and not hurting others, and by doing that not letting anyone know who she really is or how she really feels

okay onto the contestants now. rosey is a very interesting character, what draws me in about her the most is her almost refusal to appear vulnerable or overwhelmed by anything, always needing a guaranteed way to do something so she knows it’ll work. this can be seen as somebody with depression relying on things in their life that they know off by heart, things like routines and rituals they perform daily, having something to fall back on and feel some normalcy through. again she’s very similar to roomy with the whole social butterfly thing

spraypaint is tricky because we’ve basically only ever seen her be like Ahh im gonna kill you be scared. but i do think she has a reason to constantly be like that towards people. nobody is ever aggressive because they like it i dont think anyone likes being on guard 24/7. i feel like she relies on her knife alot, for example in the scene where she argues with playdoh after they run into eachother, she tries to just kill him right there instead of bothering to interact with him once she gets bored of him and decides he has nothing to say that she wants to hear (based but only because it’s playdoh)

kit seems to be very self confident unlike the majority of the other characters, but for the entire time, others have kind of decided what kit is like in their heads and settled on it, based off how she appears. that being limey seeing how relaxed and inexpressive she is and that making him think that she doesn’t care about things around her. with depression it can be easy to get tired of some things, but people then assume you don’t care about anything, and that you’re just apathetic, and/or constantly thinking you’re sad when like. thats just how you look Lol. that’s what kit and how she’s treated reminds me of

speaking of limey. he’s pretty similar to spraypaint, except he’s much more sensitive, or at least outwardly. it doesn’t take much for him to feel overwhelmed and like everybody is out to get him, and he’s always trying to counter this feeling by insisting to both others and himself that he has something up his sleeve that’ll make everyone regret thinking badly of him. he’s just a very defensive character and who can blame him. oh also hes very clearly hyperfixated on the idea of being a cartoony super villain or something. it’s a part of his identity he relies ALOT on, always falling into it especially when he feels threatened

pilly is very organised and on top of everyone else, and his only fault ive noticed is his detachment. he says to record outright that he doesn’t need or want friends, and purposely blends in to make sure he isn’t noticed and nobody tries to connect with him. i think this can be 2 different things; either he just straight up doesn’t like other people and finds them draining and just another hassle, or he really would like a friend but would rather not reach out from fear of being rejected. i think it’s the first one but you can never know

peanut is another character who’s very isolated except for him it’s nobody’s fault or deliberate choice really. we’ve seen that he lives in the middle of the country out on a farm, either living on his own or with his close family. my personal idea of him involves the second one and that also fits in with this. one of peanut’s very first lines is that he doesn’t care about what happens to him and is mostly focused on doing things for others’ sake. hes seen to be used to doing the dirty work for people and to be happy with it being like this. i think peanut relies on being a helping hand since well. that’s all he really knows how to do, and how to be wanted by others

to say polaroid is overshadowed by the other characters is an understatement both in the show and outside. like i think he’s the character with the least fanart, even including the one-time cameo dudes. its a shame because he’s SO good. his most noticeable trait first up is that he can’t speak verbally, and for others to acknowledge his words they have to put effort in which. unfortunately alot of people dont. like this hes ignored easily and often, being talked over, people dragging him around and ordering him to do things without listening to what he thinks first. but despite this hes so caring, seen with him encouraging pilly even after he threatened him with elimination (have i ever mentioned i love those two’s relationship so much) and comforting roomy and going with her to help with her fears

record is like. id say one of the most depression coded objects ever. she’s shy but not the stereotypical shy archetype, questioning people’s orders and sometimes even getting frustrated with others. she’s shown to have trouble explaining herself to others, feeling like she needs to in order to be forgiven for well. Literally just standing there. not much i can say about her that hasn’t been said /agreed on already

onto hanger my favourite… hanger is again, talked over by basically everyone. she rarely has the opportunity to ‘prove herself’ to others and when she does, the credit is taken away from her and it doesn’t matter how much she yells and argues, she can never be listened to. when this happens to someone it can easily feel like nothing you do will ever work and it’s just hopeless to even think of doing anything right or impressing anybody. i wouldn’t say hanger feels like that since we’ve seen that she’s very strong willed, but that’s just the thing. she HAS to stop herself from feeling that way because nobody else will, she has nobody else to rely on.

except erasey

erasey is similar to kit with the whole under expressive thing, as well as it being seen that they kind of struggle with motivation. they seem to have a kind of omnipotence that makes it so that they know what to do and how to do it, and if it’s even worth it to try. but apart from that they don’t do much else, that’s all that’s important to them. they only try to do what they absolutely need to

i hope playdoh cries again in burner 4

[wendy3582]

The Fox Hunter

Every day I wake up with an even greater agony of having to be myself for the next 24 hours. The cup of coffee my wife had prepared has been cold for a long time. I cannot concentrate or get out of bed without stumbling across the thought of changing myself. The taste in my mouth is bitter, yet I still believe there is more life has to offer. But what does one have to do to rebrand oneself? I walk over to the mirror. I brush my ginger hair out of my face, put it behind my ears and rinse my mouth with fresh water. I never liked looking at myself mainly because the mirror only reflects what others might have said about you each time. And because, especially today, I do not feel like myself, I try everything to distract myself from thoughts like these. My wife spots immediately that my mood has gone blue, she pats my shoulder. She heats my coffee again. 

“I refuse to stay hidden away any longer, it makes me feel trapped.”

“All of us are trapped, but we are happy.”

“Everything is better in the outside world…Darling, I am almost the age my father was when he passed. I cannot stay hidden for any longer, not in this hole. I am ready for a change.”

Our kids trot down the stairs. I get up and walk over to the window carved into a wooden wall. I whistle. As I do I close my eyes, to escape. I think of my brother for a moment. The usual popular guy, always handy to everybody. I wonder what I would be like if I had gone down the same path. Always the best form, smart from all the books he would read, good at everything he touched. I cannot even fit to hold a candle to someone. The bitterness of a curse appears on my tongue again. Remember, there is always more to life than just pleasing the ones surrounding you. I stop the whistle. It is not my first time feeling this void in my chest. Melancholic emptiness and the lust after the life I could have lived if I made the decision. My father always used to tell me that if I fear something, I should take away its only power. For me, that would mean learning how to detach from certain situations. I hate the distress of hearing somebody else´s thoughts louder than my own. So, I kept my composure anytime somebody opened up to me, then regretted it. It wasn´t like me to get violent, It wasn´t like me to bite.

My all-time favourite tradition would be to watch others in the jammed outside world. See what they are up to each day and secretly wish I could join them. The pit in my stomach would hold me back. My kids are yelling at each other again. They remind me of me and my brother, they fight because they are different. One is confident, honest, extroverted, dim-witted while the other is a loner, who would prefer to crawl under his bed and never come downstairs for dinner again. I do not blame him, he cannot be underestimated. He is a dreamer who happened to be born in the wrong body. He fears his brother even though he would actually never hurt him, he does it for the thrill of it. Just like all the people I see from the window. And if one does it all of them follow. I have no idea why, after all, only dead fish follow the stream.

I carry on with my day. I work hard on a project I planned with our neighbours. We chat and they invite me for an afternoon cup of warm liquor, I can never say no to that. Even though you could say we are different breeds we all want the same. A secure space without the lack of food or water. I cannot disagree with the fact that we live from hand to mouth, which would be perfectly fine with me if there was enough food for all of us. For the past months, we met up one evening each week and tried to come up with a solution. Until we thought of one. I pictured the people behind my window, how they were all perfect and had everything they needed. This was our only chance to save us. The system had failed us, and we had to do something with it. 

And there I was out with lanterns looking for something to live off of but mostly trying to find myself. My feet were sore and the air was humid, thicker than ever. I left home in order to help my children, my wife. A cold evening and a revolutionary day. When I touched the land of the nameless keeper, there was no ecstatic chatter coming from the magical place I had tracked days ago. Only my heavy breath coming out of the very bottom of my lungs. This was the day I finally escaped from the place I so boldly called a hole. What is life without experience? This was all I ever wanted…or wasn´t it?

I got closer than ever to unlocking something that had been kept away from me my whole life. Maybe once I found it I would be finally considered as ambitious as my brother or as fearless as my father. One by one, my steps led to this lit up space I imagined visiting my entire maturity. As I looked around I immediately smelled some fresh food. In fact, enough food for my whole family and all of our neighbours. The pit in my stomach moved to my throat. I was ready to give everything up for the risk of saving my tribe. I imagined it all like a game, where there were two kinds of players. The hunters and the prey. It was either to be a player or to be played. I felt the envy boiling inside me. I could not sleep for three nights wondering how I was going to get up and be myself for the next 24 hours, while the people, who lived a stone´s throw away from me, had everything I had ever dreamt about. There was no going back now, I thought. I am an inch away from the life I would die to have, I earned it.

I reached for my price. My steps got louder, I was determined. The lights flashed before my eyes. There was nowhere to run. I heard sounds and saw creatures I had not seen before. I stole the food and ran. However, something wasn´t sitting right with me. I felt some sense of relief when my feet stepped on the soft grass in the outer world, however, there was this thing I could not escape. It had followed me ever since I got to this place. My body stiffs as I see a shadow lurking behind me. Deep down I know what I am doing is not right, the food wasn´t mine to touch. I drop everything as I release the clench I so desperately held in my jaw and turn around, to face the person standing behind me.

But it wasn´t a person. A creature with the body of a human and the mind of the devil himself. With a scratched, oblong object pointed right at me. I feel myself shake as I take a step back to show I come in peace. The creature pulls the trigger. The system I had thought had failed us was never broken, it was built this way.

I will never change. I lower my fox ears, he fires the bullet.

PS: Hey guys! This is officially my first post & first short story in English. Hope you enjoy! See you next time🙌🏻🧡

[showponyyy]

the apathy before the storm & all things considered

february 11, 2025

God im just one kitchy phrase after the next these days huh. My inner narrator has become a writer. it used to be a reader. Like the difference between creating and consuming, you know? The scales are always shifting. Im gonna tell a story now.

Last year I was in school and I met my now very dear friend sasha. He taught me about apathy. I am wired to be passionate.I love being expansively emotional and taking creative risks and bringing feeling to my toes. There’s that awesome Sylvia Plath quote where she says “I don't know what it is like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely” like yeah boss me too. Exactly. But on my first day of class I met sasha, a tree planting Murakami obsessed space cowboy stoner from Canada. tractor beam. We wrote a song together the day we met. You can laugh it’s okay. It was something about “all things considered I could be worse” the idea here was that even though shit happens like bad shit like fatherly abuse and abandonment and death and divorce whatever your specific shit is like we turned out okay and maybe we like shouldn’t have?? There was an instant connection over this shared sentiment. you know like trauma bonding. Writing songs and getting high became the way we got to know each other. i quickly realized though that this way of processing, this detached confessional style of feeling wasn’t working for me. (the apathy before the storm so to speak). We were writing siren songs. Alluring to name feelings and not actually feel them. I couldn’t put distance between myself and the past the way I wished I could. I started to resent Sasha’s indifference towards things. We would talk about childhood and relationships and phantom limbs and I would well over with emotion and feel embarrassed when he didn’t do the same. Even though I felt like he should? I wanted him to yell more or cry more or something more. But he played it so cool. Always. He told me it’s the lexapro. that and the weed I think. pausing here to say I am by no means dogging on my dog sasha I love him and he means the galaxy to me. Just interesting the things our friends can show us. friends are mirrors. amen! It later became the thing that actually balanced our friendship. im hot headed and silver tongued and tempestuous (and clearly self aware!) and he always said itll work out and dont worry about it and its not that deep and other aphorisms of the like. It used to piss me off. But it became such a comfort. I gained a deep appreciation for sasha’s apathy. i think maybe I’ll let my feet go numb for once. let my head cool down. I get why sasha idolizes Murakami. He writes these surrealist novels about solitude and self discovery and uncertainty. Sasha wrote a lyric in a song that says “everybody needs a little Murakami, everybody needs to get the hell out of earth.” And I think he’s right. I think hes right about a lot of things actually. maybe his apathy is a form of self protection or self preservation and maybe my passion is a form of self destruction and perhaps we should be sharing scoops of sand until we strike a balance between our scales. but we’re really just both doing the best we can with what we’ve been given. all things considered it could be worse. I hate to wrap it up so neatly like that but it’s true it’s true! amen!

[rainbowtvz]

simp is aave. stop misusing aave. (literally just look up "what is aave carrd" and figure it out.)

doubles is a kinnie term. as a kin myself, yes i am gatekeeping that word. people who share your f/os are not doubles because it inherently implies that you AND the sharer are somehow the same person whether that's both BEING your f/o or you have the same s/i. you are not using it correctly. it's annoying and confusing. doubles is a derogatory term anyway for people who share your kins that you do not like. (kintwins would be for people you do like.)

^ i've been on kinblr and numerous other otherkin AND fictionkin spaces i know what i'm talking about.

minority coding is important. if your f/o is coded as being a minority and you do not acknowledge that then you need to re-examine that. yes this is about trans headcanons too.

^ two examples: chihiro from dangan ronpa being a poorly written but widely accepted transfem character. and danny phantom having a common headcanon as being transmasc. the first one if you discard chihiro being a transfem and make her a guy, cis or trans, it's erasing her identity. this is transmisogyny at worst and ignorant as fuck at best. the second one if you discard this headcanon or make it so danny is transfem instead, it has no greater impact or implication of prejudice or bigotry. vice versa, their headcanons about danny's gender has literally 0 impact on your interpretation of his character and his gender. you do not have to subscribe to those headcanons and can go with your own or go with canon, but you need to re-examine why exactly you very specifically do not like those headcanons.

^ people projecting transness onto characters they like is often to find representation in them, or for coping, or both, to deny them of that because you simply disagree is.. odd and speaks volumes. cis selfshippers please think critically about that. i feel a lot of you are detached from overall fandom ettiquette and common ways for queer people to engage with media outside of the hyperspecific bubble that is selfshipping. we're all gonna annoy each other (selfshippers and nonselfshippers) at some point but painting yourself as being transphobic because you view your f/o as cis Only is only going to cause you grief. let people enjoy things. you don't have to look at it, just like they don't have to look at your stuff. this is okay.

plaese for the love of god please stop putting your vents in the community tags. (i've blocked or have been blocked by a majority of the people who do this but its making it feel dreary here.)

if u harass others for doing/saying something you don't like or agree with or for someone having an opinion about something you care about or about you in particular (that they aren't even being public about) then you suck and maybe u should at least take a break if not just leave entirely. (sideeyes some people)

blocking is a tool to affirm boundaries. people are allowed to block whoever they want, whenever they want, for whatever reason they want. and it's okay for you to do the same. it's okay for people to not like each other. not everybody IS going to like you and that's okay too.

callouts are for people doing active harm, or people who HAVE done active harm who have not grown and changed as a person since they did it. nobody care if they vagued u bc u share an f/o. practice utilizing the blocking tool. ^ this is not about wishing harm on others or stalking this is about petty shit that does not fall under that lol

thank you for coming to my ted talk.

pro/com/etc shippers please smash your computer into dust no one likes you or wants you here

[ummick]

Mick’s Diary: Finding Gains in the Simulator

Hello, we’re back with another chapter of my diary with the team.

We last spoke before the summer break and that was a long time ago! Having a break during the season is very important. I think it’s getting more and more important as more races are added. Some teams don’t have the opportunity to do shifts and change personnel, so having the chance to unwind is vital. For me, it was a good break; a nice opportunity to rest for a bit and detach from motorsport, but also get ready for the second half of the year. Whenever I have some time off to unwind and relax I always like to do a lot of different things, trying to do new things and find the best way to switch off, which is very different from person to person. The last races that we did in Europe were my last two overnight sims doing race support. Now we’re well into the flyaways, with Singapore, Japan and now Qatar done. I spent some time in Tokyo and went to Australia between Japan and Qatar. Now I’m very excited for the next races. I’ve continued to settle into the team through the year and get to know more and more of my colleagues. I really enjoy being around the people. It’s incredible to be able to learn from all these great minds. I’ve been curious in getting to know everybody better and embed myself within the team. There were a few relationships from before joining that have helped. It’s been good to get to know the people that worked with my dad and all the new colleagues too. It's been nice to feel the enthusiasm about the simulator work across the year and with those final two overnight sessions. We’ve made some good progress in developing the car and that’s been cool to see. The overnight sims are obviously quite tiring, so it’s rewarding when you see something come out of it. We have a lot of work to get through, though, so you’re totally focused on that. We try to tick every box and help the team for the rest of the weekend. I’ll now be trackside across the whole weekend for these remaining grands prix. In my role as reserve driver, I need to be ready to jump in the car should Lewis or George not be able to drive. If I were back in the simulator at Brackley, I wouldn’t be able to do that. While my simulator work has mostly focused on W14, there have been plenty of learnings that are also useful for the future. The development of W15 started quite a while ago. It’s really an on-going progress. Everything we learn from this year’s car along the way feeds into next year, and we’ve learned a great deal. Everyone is working so hard to develop the best possible car we can for the start of next year. And in the background, there’s work on my own plans for next year. These are still evolving and it’s just a matter of trying to understand exactly which direction we can go in, how to fit in the commitments and things like that. It just takes time. As always, thanks so much for all the support, the kind words and comments I see. I hope you’ve enjoyed the insight this time around and I’ll speak to you later in the year.

[dosnotoevsky]

I stopped categorising myself as a "Swiftie" or a "fan" when I noticed silence from her on so many important things, she should've spoken on (obviously, her choice; still). i got into her because of a few songs on 1989 (I was in the 7th grade and it was considered really cool at school if we'd listen to English songs. Everybody started with taylor) and then I got back to her when reputation came because she was everywhere - it was quite inevitable and attractive. I stuck through lover because I went through my first heartbreak (I was 15) and most of the songs on it spoke things to me I needed to say to myself. All too well made enough noise I had to check it out. Again not most songs on red, except the mainstream ones. I didn't get into folklore and Evermore right when they were dropped. I stumbled upon "August" while I was in a situationship in 2022 summer and yk i had to just explore. College started I made friends with a girl and she was a hard-core Swiftie. Speak Now, Red, all that stuff. I had to act like I was one as well so that she doesn't make me feel condescending. Now we aren't friends anymore. And I'll agree the Swiftie fandom is kinda delusional and intimidating (saw it first hand). Midnights was okayish for me, but my earlier choices remained the same (folklore, lover). I had proud hopes from TTPD because I'm an english lit major (and a really proud one as all of us should be). I was ready to start fresh and go feral. Haven't been able to wrap it all up - I mean it's like 31 songs on it. I make edits on these songs on my ig to make myself remember which song is which - what lyrics belong to which song and at the end of the day, which song i like - same reason why I post lines from her lyrics here on my tumblr. The purpose of this rant is to know about all the boycott blondie movement that's going on. I'm genuinely curious. I'm using the tag because I want y'all to give your views. I'm also scared of giving her up entirely because I've already detached myself from her personal life and i like her songwriting. I only relate to her art. So do enlighten me.

[comfreyhollywings]

there's a tarot reading i did the other day when i talked about you. there's rose incense i'm currently burning. its fragrance hits the back of my throat, and it's welcoming to me. this is a ritual i have always done whenever i want to dedicate my time, space, and energy for you.

the keywords of that reading is: the weight of the world is on your shoulders and i want you to know something.

you are my anchor and have always been it. you know me just as much as i know you; every single side of me. manic, calm, spiraling, or absolutely overjoyed.

you can tell me if i'm overstepping, and feel free to tell me to stop. but here's what i've observed: the world is me. i'm your world.

you haven't said it through words in particular, but you have told me through your actions. i speak prayers and you always answer. every single time without fail. and when i told you i wanted to move towards the next stage in my work and love life, you immediately moved me to a position where i could receive it.

my boyfriend is the month of august, and i am a behavioral technician. as someone still studying the law as an undergraduate, i'm still learning the reigns and that is okay. i pressure myself to be in a position to pay more bills. i'm learning self-care as i order from door dash. i cook more often. sometimes i go manic and immerse myself in scenarios still. i'm seriously considering a second job as a community assistant for a government job.

i joke about my joints popping. the economy of the world. the concept of the self. bam, i get mistaken as someone who's older than i actually am. whether i'm in my thirties or mid twenties.

i'm twenty.

 odd. if it was someone else, i would've thought the world was as their fingertips. the thing is that i've never felt more inadequate before in my life. this inadequacy stains my cheeks and desecrates the stupid part of my brain always craving 'worth'. i have to be worth something.

what i'm really afraid of is not living up to everybody's expectations. but they're not my expectations, are they?

knowing that's me is.. shocking. what /is/ the concept of me??

you had once described me as someone 'aquarian-themed', detached and solitary, but still so loving. dreamy and almost out of this world. remote. you had accurately described what i was like as a person, and i couldn't help but crack a smile. like we were telling an inside joke. it's true i had aquarius placements in my natal chart, but i hadn't thought too much about it until you brought it up.

but the thing is, when you brought it up—you made me realize a key point about myself: i am deathly and deeply afraid. i am scared of human connection. this is why i isolate. and you are reeling me out of this foggy forest, chanting:

'no love however brief is wasted.

no love however brief is wasted.

no love however brief is wasted.'

figuratively, i am kicking and screaming while you drag me out. a part of me wishes it stayed stuck in that forest. except, i know that's just the familiarity talking. isolation is addicting but it makes you a husk of a person; a mere observer as a husk of a person. you don't interact; but that's not the same with others. you'd watch others interact with anything.

so okay, here's what i think. i think you're.. a lot.

not in a way where someone so much as looks at a person and thinks, 'oh, they're a lot!' as a way to otherwise tell them that there's no space in their lives; that they should water themselves down.

love is naturally, a lot. love is the most terrifying, brutal force in existence asides from genuine war. love is what makes you buckle down onto your goddamned country after being bombed, and holding on for dear life while you attempt to protect your citizens. love will naturally correlate with war; and it has always been that way. manic love will either blindside you to the worse, or uplift you in bliss.

there's a literal goddess of love looking out for me; being able to pin me down on the dot while i stare like a deer in headlights.

essentially what i'm trying to say is: being vulnerable has made me realize i don't have to work for love.

isn't that terrifying?

[brongusthearcanist]

Here's my hottest fantasy take: I did not like Fonda Lee's Green Bone Saga. I desperately wanted to, I read and completed the first 2 books, and I didn't really like either of them. And I feel bad for not liking it because it isn't about the story at all, I do not like the style in which it was told. Lee put a lot of work into this series and it's very obvious, the passion is there. But I felt like I was reading a text book of the history rather than sitting through a narrative. So much of the books are just Lee telling you what has happened in the past couple days and then starting a scene, which makes me feel really detached from important events that have occurred. To the point that when we do have a really emotional scene, where the characters are feeling things and I'm involved, I feel nothing, because I've been viewing these characters like they are historical figures that I'm being tested on, rather than characters that I'm supposed to empathize with in a story. Again the story on paper is pretty interesting, and the characters are flawed and should be compelling, I just never felt connected to them. I read the first book and didn't like it and thought "well everybody loves this so maybe I'll like the next one" and then I finished the second book and didn't like it and thought "well everybody loves this so maybe I'll like the next one", but then I realized that I really didn't care what about the story or how it ended, and that I definitely should by that point if I'm gonna read the next one, so I dropped it. No flack to anyone who likes it, I'm still kinda mad at myself cause I feel like I'm missing something, but I was paying attention, I was just never invested.

[muffinhyunjin]

Park Adventure

Sakura Miyawaki

Words: 2.111 words

Tags: Pissing, Piss Play, Squirt, Bestiality, Armpit licking

8 PM, Sakura was bored after playing with her Nintendo, she played too many games for hours already.

"I think I need to take a rest, my eyes and hands are already tired from playing these games for hours."

She puts her Nintendo down on the table then sits on the stool for a while, stretches her hands and body while thinking about what she should do after playing games for hours.

"Damn, what should I do? I wanted to do something but I didn't want to play games again... Why is this so frustrating for me?" she confused while scratching her head.

She suddenly got an idea, an unusual idea for her.

"Ah, how about I go to the park but I'm going to be running naked in there? That would be so interesting. I need to get ready." She chuckles.

She prepares everything. Her phone, earphones, and bottle. She only wears a sports bra and running shorts and doesn't use panties to make it easier for her later.

She runs from her apartment to the nearest park on a cold and peaceful night. Only slight traffic, some cricket, and stars in the sky accompany Sakura's run to the park.

===================================

She arrived at the park, peeked to the left and right to make sure that nobody was passing by her, and started to detach her sports bra and pull down her shorts immediately, leaving them on the bench. The cold wind immediately hits her bone after she undoes her outfit.

"Let's get started and do this thing. It's going to be fun and a new experience for me. This cold wind won't make me sick. I'm strong."

She runs for a round on the jogging track, meeting another runner in the park, the runner is shocked by what Sakura is doing. But she continues to run and continues the challenge. Her tits are bouncing so much and everybody is seeing her, but she doesn't care at all because she likes it so much, and she gets turned on by what after just gone on to her. She likes it when everyone sees her tits bouncing while she is running.

She stops for a while, takes a seat, and regulates her breath to relax.

"Fuck, I'm so exhausted but that is so hot. Everyone is glimpsing at my pussy and tits. I guess they liked my pink shaved pussy and bouncing tits. Probably they wanted to rape the fuck out of my body. Even if they did it, I won't fight them either. Let them use my body, using all of my holes, treating me like a fuckdoll. I wanted to be fucked and ruined in public. I don't care about what people say. I am a cockslut for my friends either, so what?"

"This kind of thing turns me on so much, I think I need to fuck myself now, but I need to pee first. But where should I pee? Do I need to record while I'm taking a piss? Maybe I need to try it ~" she giggles and smiles in a devilish way.

She looked to the left and right, and she couldn't locate any public restroom to pee.

"Damn it, there isn't any restroom here, where should I pee though? On the grass? On the side of the lake?" she confused while straightening her hair.

"Well, what can I do? Whether I like it or not, I have to do it here hehehe ~" she chuckles, then she blushes and her face turns red.

She unlocked her phone, opened the camera, and put her phone in landscape mode. She started recording herself and making sure that the video was good and that she could see herself on the video. The red flashes started to blip, and then she started to squat behind the bench, making sure that nobody would see her peeing carelessly in the park. a little yellow drip started to come out from her pussy, and a yellow stream started to come out, fresh and warm from her bladder.

She spreads out her pussy, and plays with her yellow stream, aiming in an uncertain direction, going to the left and right. After that, she puts her hand on the flowing piss, making her hand wet and smells like urine.

"Gosh, It feels so good peeing here hehe, I'm so naughty here. I hope that I won't get caught ~"

The flowing yellow stream comes to an end, she cleans her pussy with water from the bottle that she brought before. She stops the video recording and looks at the video that she recorded before. She's satisfied with what she accomplished.

"God... I am so hot in the video... Do I need to save it for myself or post it on the internet? I guess I should ~"

She opens her social media and posts it online. She sends the video to some of her friends too. She got some naughty replies which caused her horniness to increase. She's desirous to fuck herself in the park.

"Fuckk I need to touch myself right now, I can't hold it anymore, I am so needy to be fucked..."

She spreads her pussy wide and rubs her clit slowly but surely. Then she puts her fingers inside her wet pussy to pleasure herself. Sakura moans loudly and whimpers until she reaches her G-Spot.

"Oh fuck... Ahhh this is so fucking good, so good aghhh ~"

Sakura fucks herself harder and harder while rubbing her pink nipples and moans. She was filled with lust. She couldn't stop moaning.

"Yes, please... harder please ahh, make me cum make me cum, harder please, make me cum, don't stop ~"

She pleasures herself until her pussy is wet and swollen. Sakura orgasms and squirts everywhere. Sakura created a pure mess, her wet fingers, wet pussy, and puddles on the ground. She's huffing. Sakura sweats a lot from what she is doing. After that, she takes and tastes her fresh, and warm juice from her pussy.

"Mmm... It tasted so good... I guess I am going to be addicted to this, I cannot believe that I tasted so good"

Sakura takes more of her juice from her pussy using her fingers and licks it clean. She takes extra of her liquids until nothing is left.

Now that her pussy is clean already, Sakura wakes up and continues to run again for another kilometer, until she meets a stray dog.

"Oh hello little cutie, what are you doing here? Are you lost? Where is your owner?"

She pats the dog and plays with the dog for some time. Then, the dog begins to behave oddly. Sakura couldn't figure out what the dog wanted.

"Oh, what you want from me little cutie? I don't know what you want"

The dog acted strange, it acted like it wanted to fuck Sakura. The dog is jumping and humping Sakura's leg.

"Hey, what are you doing? You're going to fuck me? That is what you want? Well, if you wanted to, I can pleasure you, little cutie ~"

She lowers herself and plays with the dog first. Sakura rubbed the dog's belly and saw the dog was fully erecting. At first, Sakura hesitates to do what she is going to do, she thinks twice. But with the full intention of the new experience, she motivates herself. She makes the dog lie down, started to lick the dog's dick, and sucking it slowly. Sakura played with the dog's cock playfully and without hesitation from herself. Thankfully the park is quiet already, the park visitors are coming back to their own home already.

"You liked it, little cutie? You liked it when I licked and sucked your tiny, small, and smelly cock? huh? hehehe, I guess you liked it ~"

Sakura giggled and started to laugh because she just could not believe what she was doing. She can't believe that she is delighting an animal, not a human. The dog can only bark and cannot answer Sakura's thoughts.

"My God... I can't believe I did this, licking an animal cock and pleasuring it. Now what am I now? A zoophile?"

"But somehow this experience is so good, I've never done this kind of heated thing before, I usually simply fulfill my friend's lustful desire with my cheap pussy and asshole. They fuck me relentlessly all night just to fulfill their lust. Using me no more than a fuckdoll, only a free-use meat, and I need to serve my holes whenever they want. And now I am going to be fucked by an animal. A dam dog. What a cheap slut I am, not looking at any creatures, just a pleaser for everyone, and wanted to be fucked by anything."

Sakura starts to bend over on the ground, waiting for the dog to fuck her tiny pussy, and spreads both of her holes.

"Come here cutie, use my holes freely, choose where you want to put inside your small cock, I wouldn't be mad <3"

Sakura spanks her ass, telling the dog to come to her. Without any uncertainty, the dog sniffs and licks Sakura's pussy. After that, the dog mounts itself to Sakura and pounds her relentlessly on her pussy. Sakura only can moan but she is satisfied with what the dog is doing.

"Good boy, please fuck me like that, fuck me like I am an animal too, cutie. Use me as your cumdump, fill me with your seed. don't stop it, let me satisfy your lustful desire, cutie ~"

Sakura moans loudly and looks at the dog. She still couldn't believe that she is fucked by a dog right now.

The hound thrusts harder into Sakura's body, and Sakura moans getting louder and louder, She plays with her tits while the dog is still pounding, and plays with her tits while the hound is still pounding making her pussy wet once again. She only could remain silent while tears started to fall from her face because the dog was pounding her pussy relentlessly. Now she is covering her mouth to muffle her moans to make sure that nobody is hearing her whining and being fucked by a dog.

"Cutie please stop it, stop it please cutie, Im gonna cum ahh ~ cutie please stop it AHHH IM CUMMING IM GONNA CUM CUTIE STOP IT PLEASEEE FUCK CUTIE YOU FUCK ME SO GOOD ~"

Sakura squirts together with the dog cumming inside her pussy. Cum drips from her pussy while the dog runs away into the bushes and disappears. Sakura lay down limp on the ground unable to do anything, she couldn't even get up to stand.

"Ahh fuck, that animal fucks my pussy so good... Sadly it is tiny, but that was a damn feral experience for me."

She sighed, and then she tried to get up and sit down for a while, retaking her energy to walk back. Sakura sweats a plenty once again from what she is doing with the hound. While sitting, she looked down at herself and looked at her whole body. At that point, she looked at her sweaty armpits.

"Damn, why are my pits so sensual when I am so sweaty? Take a pics again I guess? hehehe..."

Sakura opened her phone and took some pics of her sweaty armpits using a seductive facial expression. She also took some pics of her licking her pits.

She closed her phone again, and she continued to worship her own body. She kisses, sniffs, and licks her armpits both left and right. She did it without any reluctance. She's fallen in love with her own body.

Without her realization, the moon was getting higher and higher, the wind was getting colder. Sakura opened her phone and the time indicated that it was 10:30 PM already. She gets up and walks back to the bench where she puts on her sports bra and shorts.

Sakura put her sports bra and shorts on and walked back to her apartment.

===================================

Sakura arrived at her apartment safe and sound. She immediately goes to the bathroom and cleanses herself after all of the wildness that she is doing at the park. After she is done cleaning herself, she comes out of the bathroom naked. She dries herself and thinks of something.

"Meh, I don't want to sleep with any outfits tonight, I'm too slothful hehehe ~"

Sakura enters her bedroom and gets into bed. She looked up at the ceiling, still thinking about what she had done in the park.

"My Gosh... What I have done tonight is insane, from pissing relentlessly to fucked by a dog... Maybe I should do that again ~"

Sakura closes her eyes, and she falls asleep.

[milkstoner]

more of a diary entry than anything else, experimenting expressing my feelings in prose; i hate writing sad things so I hope this doesn’t come off as sad

I remember the touch of a butterfly on my ring finger, last week, and I remember the exact moment the sunlight turned blue; I felt each of its individual rays caressing my face, and the wind embracing my chest, then the sweetest scents, like pastries fresh out of the oven, swirling through the atmosphere. And if I have nothing left, I have my memory, the only thing I trust, and the only thing I treasure more than anything, because it has never betrayed me.

Whoever said the truth sets you free has never been a woman. It’s been a long life of being told I’m wrong. That I was not telling the truth—me, lover of truth, and her worshipper. That I was crazy, by everybody, from my family to my friends to my teachers. I’m not sure if I learned to detach myself because I am essentially soulless and antisocial, and have always been, or if I’ve become sick of never being believed. Me, lover of truth, and her worshipper. What I hold in my spirit has never been truer, though others never really accept it. I’m withdrawn, yet true. As such, my memories, all that has happened to me, and what I have been through—what is true—is so intimate I won’t share it. That includes what I like, what I think, what I listen to, what I find beautiful, and what I write. All of this is true.

You could obtain the truth, but that is a matter of trust. I don’t have friends because the few I’ve had can’t handle the truth. I’m blunt, I’m honest, and transparent, in my words and in my body language. I don’t say things I don’t mean. What I omit is the truth. It’s a memory speaking; the memory of a little autistic girl who learned early on that she couldn’t fit in because she was too weird. The memory of an anorexic teenager who learned how to be polite when she got her first job. It’s an anachronism speaking, past hurts, present truths, always ten steps ahead, falling behind her peers, authentic but always masking, always hurting, never a victim. I cherish my memory, every single little memory, I write them in my mental journal, embellish them with highlighter, glitter, stickers, tape, lace, beads, pearls, and little annotations in the margins. This is what I could give you, should you choose to invest that kind of energy into getting to know me. And if I willingly choose to offer you that trust, offer you my hands, my vulnerability, my love, my admiration, my creation, my anxiety, and everything that implies (facing my fears head-on and letting my fingers tremble, flower petals spilling out of my lips so raw and awkward), I daresay you should consider yourself lucky—though, so far, nobody has really been capable of handling it an agreeable way.

What I have learned from studying history is that there is no history—there are constructions of the past, written, said, illustrated, true or not, it doesn’t matter, and nobody will know, because you can’t know everything about what has already happened, and what is not here, in the present moment (and that, too, will always be interpreted thousands of ways). The same is true for us, what happens between all of us, all of it is speculation, and the truth is and will always remain what you want it to be. My approach to others is empirical; I never claim to know the truth about others, instead always giving a grace, a place for doubt, because people and history are multifaceted, never as linear as we believe them to be, so much more nuanced. I have theories; I don’t say them aloud. That is how I show empathy. That is the only empathy I know.

It saddens me that there are iterations of me out there that are not true, but I know what is true, and I have the most gentle grasp on myself, and my memory, and everything that has led up to me; I let them be wrong. Remain wrong, remain cruel. Think of me what you may; believe what you want to believe. Nobody is kinder to me than myself. Nobody remembers past hurts like I do. Through humiliation and hurt, I am numb and true. Forget yourself, betray yourself. Project on me. Nobody holds a grudge like I do. This, too, will remain true.

[fourteenfifteen]

15 days of fatt - day 5: waking up

also on ao3!

~

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“Okay. And if this is, like, too awkward, you don’t have to answer-“

“Hey, I’m an open book, Sho, you should know that by now! And, I mean, if it was really too personal, I’d just tell you to fuck off.”

“Right. Good. Right.”

“…So?”

“Yeah. Uh… what was the trip here like? Like, coming to the Mirage from Earth.”

“Oh.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it-“

“Nah, it’s cool. Y’know, if someone else asked that I might tell them to fuck off, but we’re teammates, it’s cool. Pretty much, we just… y’know, we blasted off, and then once we got into orbit they put us into the cryosleep.”

“After?”

“Yeah, after. No Mirage means it’s a little harder to get off planet. The cryo shit is a little too delicate. And, uh, the Hegemony… they make a big deal out of the cryosleep. Want everybody to have a chance to say goodbye.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Kind of intense. So they, like, you’re up there and they turn on the simulated gravity and they have these fuckin’ big bay windows and you can see the Earth. People were like, crying and shit, you know how it is. I might’ve shed a couple tears myself, I mean, you know, crowd of people crying talking about how they’re never gonna see home again, it’ll get you.”

“I can imagine. …And then you go to sleep?”

“Yeah. You didn’t see the sleep detachment chamber, right? All these fuckin’, like, little tubes. You lay down and they close the lid and then you go to sleep, I mean, easier said than done, but once you’ve passed out they turn the machine on and freeze you.”

“Wow.”

“I know. They pass out sleeping pills and stuff to help out, but still. And, yeah, then I woke up here.”

“Really? Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

“You couldn’t, like, tell that the time was passing?”

“Not really. I didn’t really dream, either. Only thing was, when I woke up I was groggy as shit.”

“Haha, oh I’m sure.”

“Wanted to go right back to bed.”

“Back in your tube?”

“Oh, totally. Pretty comfortable, as long as you’re not claustrophobic.”

“Oh, that’d be awful.”

“For real. Most of those people just stay on Earth, I think.”

“I’m sure. …Well, thanks, Morning’s.”

“No problem. Y’know, it wasn’t so bad. More disorientating than anything else. And it’s weird to think about all the stuff before.”

“Makes sense.”

“But this place isn’t so bad.”

“Glad you think so.”