#I sent a risky dm this morning asking for discussion

[hel-phoenyx]

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[gjjokok]

11 - March 28, 2021

So damn I’ve just been so sad recently. I don’t know why this random fucking dude has this kind of hold on me. I’ve been trying to do a lot of introspection because this has been bothering me like an unreasonable amount.

To provide a timeline of things:

1) I find this dude on twitter who is SO hot and THEN I find out he lives in Toronto.

2) After like a week of deliberating I’m like “what’s the worst than could happen?” so i literally slide into his DM’s and I say verbatim “Damn crazy that you’re the hottest dude I’ve ever seen AND you live in my city” I then go to bed like anyone does after sending a risky message

3) In the morning I wake up to find that he has responded saying something like “You’re one to talk you’re way hotter” AND he has followed me AND he has liked pretty much the only picture I have posted to twitter FROM 2019 (aka he like went back through my account for a while)

4) We talk through twitter DMs for like a day or two and he brings up snapchat so I tell him to add me if he wants and he adds me. The first two nights after having eachother on snapchat we kind of have conversations, but he replies really slowly, and like pretty much doesnt reply at all until maybe 11:30PM at the earliest and I go to bed at like midnight at the latest so the conversations are not very long.

5) For the past week now, he either opens my snaps and doesn’t respond (even though all of my snaps to him are just responses to his snaps because I’ve decided I’m not going to snap him first anymore) or he does respond but it’s clearly a mass snapchat that I just happened to be in his group of people he was sending it to.

SO, a couple reasons why I think I might be unreasonably bothered by this:

A) I’m kind of confused because he seemed so into me at the beginning (like more into me than I was into him) and then recently it feels like I’m getting lucky if I get a response.

B) He is clearly talking to MANY other guys at the same time as me, which is obviously fine because we aren’t anything and to eachother we are just random dudes that follow eachother on twitter. But it’s just weird because he’s the only guy I’m talking to since I’m trying to take it realllllyy slooww going back into talking to men. Also it’s just a weird feeling going on twitter and seeing that he’s posted another nude or he’s flirting with guys on the TL when he hasn’t responded to me? Idk it just feels bad man.

C) This is the first guy that I’ve spoken to in a LONG time and it kind of feels like I’m getting rejected (even though he seemed so into me - refer to point A above). Even through all the periods where Danny and I weren’t together over the past 4ish years, I didn’t really speak to new people I just hit up old hookups and old boyfriends (which is a problem to be discussed another time) so it’s scary and very disheartening to hit up a new hot guy that seems into me and then feel so pushed to the side.

D) I think I’m realizing how good I had it with Danny and how well we got along with each other. I have absolutely no regrets or second thoughts about us breaking up and I’m still very sure of that decision, but it’s just so annoying talking to a guy that I’m into/think is hot and realizing that our conversations are so boring and that I’m not excited when I see a message from him because I’m excited to see what he said, but rather because I’m getting attention from a man.

Honestly if we weren’t in a panorama this would be such an easy situation because I would just hook up with him and would probably start caring about him a lot less (I think I tend to idealize people talking to them over snapchat or whatever and then I meet them and realize they’re not perfect and care less about them) but I’m just so busy with work and yet at the same time I’m so bored all the time and getting messages from him is at least some form of excitement but the messages just come SO infrequently. And then I open a message and realize it’s clearly a message he sent out to a group of people and I feel even worse than before I got the message lmao.

Oh one thing I didn’t mention above is that in those first couple days of us talking on snapchat, even though the conversations were short he at least SEEMED so interested like he even sent video messages responding to my snapchats sometimes. But now I’m realizing that I’m pretty sure those videos were also sent to a group of people because it’s likely that multiple people asked him what he did today or whatever.

Anyways, I really just want him to ghost me at this point so I can stop waiting by my phone like a little kid waiting for a snapchat message to come through.