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schuyschuy27 · 7 years ago

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Hope: A Bridge Over Troubled Water

Hello Reader. I come to you today, trapped in a very dark place of hurt and confusion. I have had a bad couple of days (mentally) recently, for multiple reasons that have meshed together to form one giant entity of confusion, hurt, and fear—but throughout this time, there is one thing that has been constant: I have remained hopeful, and I feel that this is something very important to talk to you about.

Sometimes the darkness is too much. Sometimes it’s so deep that you feel as if you are drowning. For me, it is a real, constant struggle... a struggle that I often feel I am losing. My depression affects me in very nasty ways that get in the way of my everyday life. For instance, sometimes I am so depressed, it takes all of my energy to get up in the morning, brush my hair, brush my teeth, and put on a decent outfit for work. Sometimes, I struggle to stay awake at work. At this point, I’m pretty sure it’s my medication that makes me struggle with sleep, but I’m not a doctor, so I’m not 100% positive of it, yet. I struggle so much with this, that often times I wonder if there is a real point to staying on my medication. If I can’t function in modern society, how am I supposed to make a living and take care of myself? It is hard to be an adult, but it is even harder to be an adult who is struggling so much. And to the outside world, I probably don’t look like I’m struggling at all. I’m a very good actress, I know how to put on a show, but at the same time, it’s tiring to live every day under a facade, and to not have anyone there to listen to my struggles.

I probably need extensive therapy, but I don’t have the time, and I can’t miss work for it—so what am I supposed to do? I just keep it all to myself, most days. Sometimes I’ll post a depressing song to Facebook, or sad lyrics, or some dark quote that I’ve found on Google, but for the most part, I keep it all to myself. I don’t even tell my family how much I’m struggling because I don’t want to burden them, and I want to look like I’m succeeding in life, and that I don’t need help—because I don’t want to need help and I want to be normal. But is there such a thing as normal? When over half the population is struggling with some form of mental illness, perhaps normality is just facade all of its own. But still, you’ve got people like me, struggling every day and praying constantly that you’re going to make it through and that you’ll stay awake at your job and that you can put a smile on your face for those around you, when all you really want to do is curl up in bed and cry. People that want to be open about their struggles, but don’t know how society will take it. People who want to be normal, but don’t know how to be anymore. It’s a very sad picture to imagine. It’s a very sad life to live.

However, even in the deepest, darkest pit of my despair, there is a shining light that I can always find. A light that hasn’t been snuffed out or smothered by shadow. Always, within myself, there is a lingering hope that it can be better, that I can be better, that one day I will wake up and all of these troubles will be far behind me. I hope for a lot of things. I hope that someday the stigma will go away and people can freely express themselves without fear of backlash or hatred or fear. I hope that I will succeed in life, that I will have the strength and courage to follow my dreams, and to live the life that I have imagined I could live. I have hope that others can be courageous, too. Hope is a very powerful thing. Hope is the only thing more powerful than my fear, and it always has been.

I have always believed that hope is a very powerful thing, just like I believe prayer is a very powerful tool to use against the darkness. Even if you don’t believe anyone is listening, it’s so powerful to get your thoughts out into the universe... I truly believe that by putting it out into the universe, you’ve completed the first step onto the path of a true recovery. But it’s important to have hope. Not necessarily faith, but hope that perhaps, by putting it out there into the ether, you’ve accomplished letting a little bit of the darkness go... that if you pray enough, or if you write it enough in your journal, that you’ll be able to face the darkness another day.

Too many people give up their fight and give in to the darkness. The percentage of deaths caused by someone taking their own life is overwhelmingly alarming. On my good days, I don’t really think about dying. I’m content with my life, for the most part. But on those bad days, death is very real and, in my mind, the only viable option for relief. I am very impulsive by nature. It is a bad trait that comes with being bipolar, unfortunately. And I don’t think about what I’m doing, I just do it, and then immediately regret it a second later... and that’s dangerous when it comes down to me and a bottle of pills and my life. Luckily, for me, I haven’t done anything terrible yet, but that’s not always the case with someone else. When someone gives up hope, they often times lose everything, including their own battle.

Sometime, after I wrote to you about the God of Sorrow and the God of Joy, I came to the conclusion that they are one God and that he is powerful enough to save me from the depths of my despair. I have prayed many times. I keep a prayer journal that I write in when I am struggling. I find comfort in bible verses that I’ve known for forever but just haven’t paid much mind to. I truly believe that God will give me hope when I am lacking in faith, or confidence, or happiness. I’m not saying, by any means, that you ought to believe the same thing that I do, but I think it is a beautiful thing that I have found, and I believe in my heart that it will save me.

But if you’re not into the God thing, think about it this way:

In Star Wars, you’ve got the Force. You’ve got two driving factors: light and darkness. Anybody who has watched Star Wars (and you really should watch it, and I’m not just saying that because it’s my favorite thing), knows the struggle between Jedi and Sith, and Light and Dark. So you’ve got the Force in you, and it’s up to you to decide which part of the Force you want to use. The Darkside of the Force is your illness. It’s your depression, your anxiety, your ptsd, what have you, and then there is you: a Jedi Knight. You can courageously conquer the Darkside if you truly believe in your heart that there is some good, even when it is dark inside. Even when you are empty. Even when your tears won’t stop flowing. There is good, and it can conquer the evil thing that has manifested inside of you.

This is all thanks to HOPE. In Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, Jen Erso is desperately trying to band others together to fight with her to destroy the Death Star. She says to the council, “We have hope. Rebellions are built on hope!” And it’s true! You can rebel against the darkness, if you have hope that things can get better.

If you have hope that there is still some light left in you. Hoping and wishing for better things is hard sometimes, but hope is so powerful. My hopes have overcome my fears. Even on my darkest day, I have hope that tomorrow will be brighter.

So it can be done. Hoping could save your life, like it has saved mine. Even now, when I feel like I am so deep in my darkness, I am comforted knowing that hope is my bridge over troubled water. If I have hope, I know I won’t give up my fight. This battle is not over, but it can be won. I truly believe that. I hope now, that you can believe that, too. Don’t let the light die.

Dumbledore said two very important things. First, in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, he said, “Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” I believe this to be true. Be a light in your own darkness. Be a light in other people’s darkness. Your fight is not over, but it all begins with you. Like in another recent blog, there are so many things you can do to to bring joy back into your life. I believe it can be done, and I want others to believe it, too.

The other really important thing Dumbledore said, was in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Harry is having a conversation with (spoiler alert) Dumbledore, but he knows Dumbledore is dead. He says something about the whole thing being in his head, and Dumbledore answers, “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

Your struggle is happening within you. It is not everyone else’s struggle, but your own. People will often not understand your struggle because their struggle is different, but that doesn’t mean your struggle isn’t real. If others don’t believe you, if they can’t understand the darkness, don’t give up and don’t lose hope... and don’t let anyone tell you that depression or anxiety or any mental health issue is not a real thing. Depression is very real, and it is very deadly. My hope for you, is that you realize this: “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Until next time, Reader... stay strong. <3 xoxo

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