#I say knowing full well that these weirdos have literally ignored canon evidence just for the sake of their own stupid fantasy

[soullessjack]

not saying it’s gonna stop but honestly if horny carnal desire posting about jack isn’t enough to get it through all these thick skulls that he’s literally just an autistic adult displaying autistic traits I genuinely don’t know what will

[sazzafraz]

crashing tide 2 eclectic bugaboo

got my ass kicked accidentally coming off lexapro and had to tidy this up for people who aren’t me. 

arc title: a timebomb

so rachel (hanko. do not call her this) is more of an anti-fan. a peerless cucumber, if you will. she died dissing the war arc. when she arrived she immediately left ninja school and forced her way into a cooking apprenticeship. she aims to eventually make the malaysian food of her childhood accessible to the masses. this is all before she finds a kid upside down in her dumpster. nart, with half a grilled fish in his mouth, hisses at her. rachel, tired and strung out on not-coke, hisses back. this is her dumpster to steal bad fish from. eventually she shows nart the best spots for getting decent food on the cheap. then she feels bad. she knows that the war restricted produce from the other nations and she doesn’t have the money to spend. so, dumpsters. why the fuck is a kid here.

she ignores that he is naruto

for like awhile. during which she bullys him into a nicer apartment (because the hokage pays for it) with a good kitchen she can cook in. she doesn’t live with him but shes around a lot.  so nart grows up w a weird millennial who’d rather have plants than children.  

nart grows up. and rachel isn’t nice she’s blunt and casually dismissive of people and terrifyingly weak when nart pushes too hard and takes things too personally. but she’s a person. so nart grows up with a handful more social skills and different incomprehensible fear drives. rachel being rachel ignores that this is the protagonist until people try to kill him. naturally. 

rachel nearly dies. like rachel is 90% dead. naruto taps into the kyuubi much earlier. its a shitty back alley with shitty men who are shiity about pretty redheads and demon children. after nearly dying rachel doesn’t speak to naruto for like six weeks. what? she’s busy. she’s busy and it was scary. when she gets sent to an outpatient program run by the hyuuga she meets a slim man names touma. who immediately locates that she’s a transmigrator who then scolds her for messing with the plot

rachel:.........thE PLOT-

two hours later they stop fighting and bringing up specific fights they had on forums. two hours after that rachel gets Read In on the whole situation with the other transmigrators.  touma asks her to look out for her kid but otherwise accepts that she could not give a shit. 

fast forward. some weirdo throws a weeks worth of meals thru her window with a heartfelt note attached. touma sends her a coded letter saying that sasuke’s guardian is like them and making some moves. the hokage comes to visit. it is not a very nice visit. she ends p on the couch over night holding naruto. they both cry.

mirako disappears for a year. this is good. rachel sharpens her knife.

fast forward again and rachel has a knife and a tired uchiha at the end of it.

rachel has some expectations here: she remembers the uchiha and how snobby and insular and frankly scary they were. she also remembers that they were weird and silent and scared. mirako is some of those things but she’s also just straight up a shinobi. she has the eyes of someone whose killed and doesn’t care about it.

mirako throws her hands up! fuck it! lets get drinks!

they get drinks. rachel gets really specific and mirako is like. oh. its you. i remember you. did you ever get over the Itachi twist because like. you were too mad about it. they bond a little.

at this point we switch back to mirako fully who realises that...sasuke has to go to ninja school. he has to go to ninja school and that sucks. see now sasuke has several things OG him didn’t. he knows how to make friends! he has a conception of the world that doesn’t focus Konoha or Itachi! he has a weird aunt and cousin! what he doesn’t have and mira can’t take off time to teach him is a basic ninja foundation. her mom could do it, but she extremely does not want him to internalise what her mom has. she can probably undo Fire’s brainwashing, she cannot undo her mothers. she’s tried. 

so mirako nuts up and goes to the hokage. during this meeting, crashed by dan, she meets danzo for the first time and something is just.......fucked there. danzo literally screams with parts of her family. she can sense the book womans work, unwilling, and knows the only reason he doesn’t have her eyes is because danzo is cursed.

‘oh shit’ mirako thinks

‘what a way to find out THOSE fairytales were true’

but she gets through the meeting despite the wailing and terror of again. her literal family. drifting off this old man. she and dan settle up there debts for the time being. she’s more than repaid him for what he lost and she’s feeling centred enough to let SOME water pass under the bridge.  

she and dan genuinely part on good terms.

some months pass. sas goes to school. mirako goes bask to work. rachel becomes a fixture in mirako’s life. she never ever brings naruto and mira accepts this as a protective measure. after enough time that her paranoia settles mirako begins to look into the bookwoman to try and get a handle on what the fuck is up w danzo

things she finds: recipes for napalm, arrows embedded with the blood of divine beasts, pages of script so dense with seals they make her brain hurt, secret techniques she is never going to have the chakra to use. 

she finds no evidence this woman ever existed. she has three options: talk to dan, who might know by virtue of magpie-espionage. talk to touma who also has magpie techniques. talk to her mom, who was raised uchiha.

she chooses option four and hunts down hatake kakashi.

now this is hard, and stupid. but she has two things on her side: he is a main character and she is raising one. and two, he canonically stalks naruto. so she and rachel essentially bait a trap.

okay they surprise him when mira knows he’s chakra depleted and emotionally blackmail him, still! a temporary ally! 

kakasi doesn’t have useful information but he does have access to secret black ops nonsense and when rachel is done using her strategic hatred of kishimotos character building to create a backdoor to kakashis empathy he agrees to have a look.

more months pass. sasuke grows enough that we have another shopping interlude. this time he comes home with a series of lovely pale green and lavender undershirts (dramatic robes) that are like, lovely? but his whole deal makes a little much? mirako regrets that her self-soothing method for them is watching wuxia/xianxia.  

hey! it’ll be kakashi’s problem! she can give him that along with occasional medical care.

right: kakashi occasionally drops his bleeding ass on her doorstep. he’s sniffed out shes a trained medic and that she is thrilled when she can make him leave. perfect! no matter how many times she points out that she’s a fucking beautician now he still ends up bloodying her good towels. shameless. 

its been another year and a bit. sasuke doesn’t have friends in konoha because everyone is still Too Intense but he did remember his promise to let nart do the shit he’s good at and judge him by that. now sas turns up in front of him makes rude demands and then leaves. they truly aren’t friends but their relationship is stronger. naruto has more people around him and sasuke has friends outside of konoha. mira needs to know more about the bookwoman but it’s fine right now. the hokage got what he wanted and they have a few years before The Plot. it’s fine.

sasuke is probably close to nine now. he’s still well mannered and a little feral. he cares Too Much and he wields a training sword like his favourite actor ( WWX no we will not talk about it) and has a hauntingly lovely collection of bespoke fashion that mirako can’t actually object to. mirako has more money than ever thanks to touma’s investments. she takes time off for her and sasuke to travel a little and teaches him Ancient Uchiha Nonsense. they never leave for long paranoid about the other transmigrators but they genuinely eek out a good few years for sasuke. enough that she’s cautiously optimistic about his chances.

hahahaha

four days after a trip, when rachel and touma are also mysteriously away, kakashi crashes through her front window covered in blood. in his arms is a young girl with pink hair absolutely riddled with knife wounds. 

enter the full cast of team 7 

end ‘timebomb’ arc pt 1