#I remember when I watched the tmi movie for the first time I literally imagined her as clary from that point on since I read the books

[witchlingcirce]

Lily Collins as Clary Fairchild is actually insane casting bro… she was SO GOOD!! I deserved to see her do a city of glass movie

[selfcareparker]

(lovely anon) i'm so happy to finally be answering this oh my goodness hi gorgeous human being i feel that it has been too long 🥲 SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME I'VE WRITTEN ONE OF THESE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

to answer the things you have said most recently- i'm so mad that spring break is over bc now i have to go back to life??? like dancing and school and shit that feels so unnessacry 😭 and like i can't just do nothing anymore? i was so used to it and now...... ugh. i STILL haven't played sims (i think it's because ✨depression✨ be hitting sometimes) lol but MWAHAH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR!AU AND THAT THEY HAD LITTLE BABY LEO!! i feel the name thing.. i just come up with something that sounds nice? i think leo is a nice name, it makes me think about lea michele and the fact that her son's name is Ever Leo but anyway. i don't name my sims after what i want to name my children irl either... idk why though. (i don't know why i'm telling you this but for boy names i love Liam🥰 and if i had twin boys i think i would do Liam and Peter though i am not married to the name Peter.... anywho)

LMAOOO the therpaist coming made me laugh thank you :)) i hope it's helpful? this may be tmi but i've only really had negative thoughts recently and not many healthy outlets so i'm hoping crossing one thing off this sad list will make me feel better :') i think during spring break my anxiety and my depression really spiked? idk, it comes in episodes but yeah THIS GOT REALLY SAD

i think a lot of things when i read your posts but i never say them hahaha so imma say it now: i googled what bon appetit meant ( i also just had to google how to spell it ) but ur right, i feel like bone apple tea makes more sense than bone apple teeth.. the "th" is throwing me off bc how i say it bone appa (like app-a) teet (like you're saying tit but teet lol) so bone apple tea makes more sense to me lol

i never know really know the time difference for anything lmao but est to germany (that's not gmt is it?) is like 6 hours wOAH so it's like 9pm while it’s 3pm here? wowee

i feel mega weird after watching this show called hollywood (darren criss is in it, so is laura harrier and a bunch of other people) but i don't like it💀 i feel really icky rn and idk why but reading your last response to my ask (?) always makes me feel better :')

i am doing what you said btw, i'm typing this on my computer first then gonna transfer it to my phone's tumblr lol but when you said a digital detox, it's interesting cuz i feel like i've been having one since tom's new project was announced? gOD i don't wanna get into it bc i get so triggered but i've been off of instagram since then bc instagram stans literally stand by tom through whatever even when something ain't right- i’m just gonna leave it there bc i’ll continue the rant, but yeah so i took a break lol

also heard abt your driving lesson thing (?) was it that bad? i can't find the old post but someone asked if you hooked up with your lesson person and i was sOOO CONFUSED LMAOO LIKE OK ARIA GET SOME BUT UHH HUH?

now to address the actual response HAHA the way you touch my heart :') by :') bringing :') up :') halle :') being ariel :') (i honest to God don't remember if i brought this up first, forgive me if i did, it's been a minute lmao) i'm always talking about it and i'm pretty sure my family is so tired of me talking about it lmao, but YEAH when i found out they weren't twins i was so surprised but idk why i always thought they were twins? but YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE WITH THE DISNEY TALK- everyone is always like "tiana is my favorite princess" and yea she's strong and stuff but...... she was a frog. for almost the whole time. it's about time we got another one!! i do agree with some people on the fact that disney should just make another black princess but halle is adorable and i was ariel on stage so it's already really special to me :')

yeah lol there are good times with my brothers but they make me mad for a good portion of the time (there's the 12yo vincent and the 7yo daniel but vincent??? psshhh he is a piece of work and i'm not sure how much longer i can put up with him HAJAH AND YES VINCENT IS THE ONE WHO WAS 👁👄👁WHEN I CRIED AND THE ONE WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO MUSIC- writing this now makes it sound like vincent is awful. which he isn't... we're working on him ig. not to add to the awfulness but no, he listens to obnoxious loud VIDEO GAME MUSIC and won't stop when we ask him to stop... he gets beat up a lot) anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌

yeah let me know if you end up watching it (wandavision)! i think it's great but if you like it lmk!! tfatws is sooo good like PHEW i am honestly loving it. sidenote: j*hn w*lker makes me wanna jump through the screen and choke him to the ground. i was thinking right, and the falcon and the winter soldier (THATS SO MUCH EASIER FAJHKDAH) would techinally be like a 10 hour movie right? because every episode is an hour long and there'll be 10 episodes? like wow. i get what you mean though, abt the racism in the show etc, like looking forward to it but not like..... no i get what you mean i will not try and give another example lol but you make me wanna learn more languages like really badly (bc of what you said about the german to american translation) & if you end up watching hamilton PLEASE LMK ABT THAT TOO HAHAHA i love it so much, same thing with lion king lmaoo

speaking of germany, i was at lunch on saturday with my mom and her friend and we were talking about my schooling and like-- she planted this idea in my head lol like what if i just got my GED and went around the world (to england probably) to get a theatre experience??? and i think it sounds so cool but no where near practical lol, it's just..... the dream haha and i would then try and learn a language 😉

uh yes we absolutely should order basically a resturant meal at a cinema, how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?

also about cherry (which i still haven't watched yet lol) i got the timestamps from tumblr😌 i couldn't find them anywhere else, but i agree, i probably wouldn't even look twice at cherry if tom wasn't in it? like i liked tdatt a lot, but it's not a movie i would be itching to see ya know?

HAHAHAHA THE 24 HOUR NOTIFICATION- i think i have around 1030 hours on sims? but i've had it since 2019 lmao (reading the screenshots, yes u are 100% a genuis, i take screenshots too but on anon you can't upload them so i just read them and retype what i wrote lmao) i think the university experience in the game is fun, but time consuming and it's all work imo. idk why i do it so often tho 😭😭😭

and agreed!! when you're making good money in the game you have to find other ways to make it interesting. my cousins who play it just continously do "motherlode" and i'm like.... then what do you do in your game?? it just sounds boring to me... my current sims household, i had a famous comedian sim, her name was dylan, aND SORRY IM LAUGHING SO HARD WHILE WRITING THIS BC ITS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF THE UNI THING UNLESS IM JUST DUMB, she went to college for communications when i wanted her to be a comedian and when she graduated i realized that degree did nothing for the career 🥲 so yeah, i think i'm just dumb. but she had a kid in college, guy didn't stick around and she was pretty broke HA but then she got married to this (great) guy named steve, made good bank, had 5 more kids (two sets of twins and one more lol) but then she passed. uhm... yeah that's still an open wound . lol i'm kidding, but when you get rich like that, you have to find a way to make the game interesting and i chose a million kids.

(this was one giant paragraph until i broke it up uhh yeah) i seriously don't pay attention to the sims prices and just end up spending way too much money and not being able to finish the rest of the house😭 but then again, i'm so used to having sims live in apartments... if i end up building a house FIRST OF ALL it'll look like what you explained before lmao but i'll tell you if i actually end up building a house HAHA & planning out your sims game is so fun to me lol, did enisa and michael take in his daughter yet? i may be thinking too far ahead lol and i love that they fucked woohooed (i say woo woo lol) in celebration HAHA but when i was playing with this one couple i had them woo woo every night hoping the dude would have horrible pull out game and they would concieve, but one night they were too tired and i was like why? get back in there man. if i was in college and lived with my partner we would be fucking every night homie. be grateful. i have been talking a lot about sims, and like you said: enough 💀 i just love this game a lot 😭😭

SORRY LAST THING i think the sims romantic and sexual stuff is so nice bc its what i want?? LMAO IDK like the whole hot tub thing you're talking about- puh lease ITS JUST NICE TO SEE OKAY

i'm reading the german section over again and i said aloud "my german friend is so cool" lol (i was saying that to my brothers & i know they don't care LMAO) (& i'm glad the uni zoom call went well!!) so on a form, in german, it could possibily say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer because you would be a participant to an introductory event? i swear german sounds so cool 😌 but i love reading your german lessons!! it's really interesting, most of the time my brain can't comprehend it tho?? like that word makes sense to you, but i need a translation. like to be able to look at that and know what it says.... its just appealing and seems so cool lol i kinda wanna write something out in german but i feel that google translate will fail me. während googeln "google übersetzen" mein Computer war so verdammt langsam und es fühlte sich einfach wie etwas Gutes auf Deutsch zu sagen. ich bin nicht sicher, welches Wort ist "fucking", aber ich mag es lmao (did it fail me like i thought it would??)

LMAOOO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP JUSTIN BC WHILE AT THE RESTURANT THEY PLAYED A JUSTIN SONG AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF YOU AND THIS STORY😭 lol i was thinking it's depending on your age but not even that either... i really don't know.... but tom's fans are hollanders💀 i would consider myself one? he's the only person i'm really into like that (like a lot lol) so idk lmao (directioners 💔💔the pain is real)

LMAOOO (both of these paragraphs started off with “lmaooo” smh) "i like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death" PLEASE, i don't like pete's blonde hair... i just don't. i'm not sure if i wasn't watching the most recent snls but yea. my mom thinks he looks like trash, but i think he's okay? like he said staten island people just look like trash LMAO and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN KING OF STATEN ISLAND GIRL I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THAT!! now i'm gonna make plans to watch it lmao, & yes agreed i find pete hot, don't ask why i really couldn't explain it to someone he's just .

my favorite songs from rex are from pony oh my goodness 🥺 anywho i'm gonna go eat cereal (i ended up eating bun and cheese instead) and listen to the Stormzy songs you recommended... aria. aria aria aria. i would like to thank you for introducing me to stormzy i- i don't have any words or any emojis to express HOW GOOD STORMZY IS. i hope he's popular in germany/the uk because i haven't heard of him but GURLLLL

one second - delicious i love it. it's really good. it’s not my favorite from the album, but its great.

superheroes - at first i played the non-explicit one (on accident) and wondered why the words weren't playing but i was reading them in the lyrics??? THIS ONE THOUGH??? IS THE BEST SONG I THINK I'VE EVER HEARD. i am so SO SO into black people empowering songs (like brown skin girl by beyonce) and this song???? PHEW I CRYYYYY ITS SO GOOD.... i was gonna quote some lyrics BUT THERS TOO MANY I LOVE, "i am young, black, beautiful, and brave" "black queen, you're immaculate, it's coming at the world, they ain't ready for your magic yet, and that was never your fault" THAT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT- I ALMOST CRIED THIS SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL (i played it twice lol)

lessons is another beautiful one, like its slow and it feels intimate and nurturing and just OO chefs kiss, beautiful . like you can feel the apology and the regret... it’s so good

own it - OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT IS AMAZING!! swear you would catch me dancing to this song, this song is so fucking good i cannot comprehend like this one might be my favorite for real... "it's the way you wind up your waist, i'm so in awe, you never have to worry abt nothing, you know its yours, you know you own it" 🥲 i played it two or three times honestly

rachael's little brother - YES I DID LISTEN TO IT LMAO AND YES I LIKE IT, its a very complex song and it's very layered in terms of emotions i think and i really like that about it. i probably won't listen to it that often, but its really good. i would recommend this song to my "older brother" bc he would just absolutely love this

shut up - i was taking this song seriously (also very good) until i heard him say shu-T up LMAO, this one is good, i probably wouldn't listen to it 24/7 like rachael's little brother but honestly its still fire

before listening to blinded by your grace and vossi bop, i know you brought up the religion bit, i definitely don't mind that, especially because i'm Christian lol and i actually liked that he brought up God in some of his songs like idk i just like it🥰🥰

(i then went to bed after that lol but first thing in the morning i listened to superheroes and... that song is probably my favorite tbh, i was gonna write MORE quotes that i loved from it but, yeah no there's too many. if you want i'll tell you lmao but this is already so long i would just be quoting the whole friggin song)

VOSSI BOP IS A BOP (lol) I CANT EVEN LIE, i love a song that hypes up a dude's girl so the line- i love that my phone decided to fail to load the lyrics, lemme google it, okay the lyric "looking at my girl like what a goddess" i was like AYEEE its honestly just really good. and no one in america says "sauce" like "i've got the sauce" but now i do (thanks to love island and Nas from last season) and now stormzy so (also im gonna watch the music video for superheroes bc it looks great so 😛)

(because this is already so long i feel like i shouldn't finish the rest but . no i'm gonna do it)

now for blinded by your grace pt2 idk why i’m nervous lmaoo PAUSE I'M NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE SONG GIRL THIS SONG IS *chefs kiss* no words, speechless PHEW y'all gon make me start jumping around. why did i not know about stormzy before, he is amazing i- ok yeah i finished the song, all i have to say is that Stormzy is immaclucate. period. i am literally sending his music to all my friends he is..... amazing

you want my song recommendations 🥺🥺 hmm uh okay lol i listen to a lot of old music, whitney houston, marvin gaye, queen, celine dion, i love "more than words" by extreme uhmm okay, but for actual music i listen to on the daily? (this is a lot of different music like.... they do not go together lmao so be prepared) a song about being sad by rex orange county, betty by taylor swift and lover by taylor swift and... most of that album lol, treasure by bruno mars lmao, OOOO and versace on the floor by bruno as well, lazybaby by dove cameron, creep by tlc has been on repeat lol, deja vu by olivia rodrigo (i saw what you said about drivers license and AGREED LMAO but i like deja vu a lot more haha) and two albums that i listen to in general, rare by selena gomez and ungodly hour by chloe x halle 🥰 you don't have to listen to all of them or any of them lol but that's a sense of what i'm into :) so basically everything haha, i'm into literally every single kind of music really so i wasn't too surprised that i enjoyed stormzy :’)

HAHASBSJHAHA your h20 story cracked me up,, like "wow these actors are so dedicated, learning german just for us" 😭 the beauty of overdubbing

once again, math and maths, in my mind maths makes sense because its mathmatics, but saying maths doesn't feel right to me lol, like if i said maths i feel like everyone would look at me like ??? and yea i was taught it as math so its just more natural for me. but yes math/maths is disgusting, easily one of my least favorite subjects so .

mkay. i- the first time i read this i could not contain my laughter when you said the only pollen you know is sex pollen LMAOKOOSHBABJFAJF STOPPP I'M EVEN LAUGHING WRITING THIS,, anyway. wow! that's interesting, my dad (<<< mostly anything else) gets migraines from the sun and the heat and stuff, yesterday (sunday, i was outside for like hours watching my brothers play football, the american kind lol) i was in the sun for like ever and i got a headache😔

summer clothes🥲 i need to go shopping fr fr. for my birthday my mom and dad got me a giftcard like dedicated to a shopping spree and we've yet to go so..... i should bring it up to my mom lol, but!! i went bra shopping (ended up returning literally all of them cuz they honestly didn't work for day to day work? its a long story) and if i could i would walk around in this new "summer bra" i got, i would. it's so fricking cute and its really light fabric (which isn't perfect for my nipples but still) so i don't get hot in it, but that bra and some shorts would be perfect. its the closest thing to being naked so

IS THE BIRD STILL BOTHERING U ARIA, TELL ME NOW ISTG, i laughed really hard that the bird isn't stupid and is really trying to torture you LMAOO like i was rolling, it wants you to suffer, badly

when you said "mensus" it was still close to mens!!! latin speaking queen 😌😌

okay STORYTIME i was reading back your response and started (fake) crying bc i love you lol and my youngest brother (daniel) gon say "oh man, catherine's crying about something we don't care about, again" I--- i swear when i tell you about them they sound awful, but they aren't that bad, just the stuff i say about them is sounds really mean LMAO

but the thing you said about being kind, same, what i always say is: don't be the person that makes people say "i hate people" ya know? like there's no reason to be a jerk or anything.... but its true 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you are really kind and every time i talk to you i would like to personally fly to germany and give you a hug 💖💕💞💗💓💝💖💘

& i'm gonna show my stretch marks some love bc of you 🥺😭 i really hate how men have basically everyone conditioned that you can't love your own body </3 fuck them, y'all beautiful :')

also thanks for what you said :')) you literally are the kindest, sweetest person i think i've ever spoken to and i love you 🥰🥺🥲💓💗

READING YOUR TAGS HAHAHHAHA the spelling errors makes everything so much funnier. once again, i like your german lessons & yea!! i'm gonna play sims after writing this hahah

#catherine's tags are back #i don't think i've told you my name before?? #anyway it's catherine🥰🥰🥰 #i'm typing this on my computer (without emojis) and if i didn't edit this you would be reading shit shite like #heartface and pout and cry LMAO #yeah abt the tattoos #some stuff with my parents i'm like deal with it??? lol #my mom tells me "if there's something you enjoy or you like but i don't have the same opinion on it... why would my (my mom's) opinion matter? #and i love that #like i'm not gonna go and do whatever i want #but if my mom doesn't like that i swear (which isn't true just an example) #its like okay.... #but whatever #and your tattoo ideas sound really cute!! #and yeah @ your parents, i mean you aren't getting something wild #and the tattoo album>>> #i'm gonna look up ariana's butterfly tattoos just so i know what you mean lol #but i'm guessing you don't want something so incredibily simple, but not super like over the top? #correct me if i'm wrong lol #LMAO the tags were in order don't worry ! #and yeah lol ily2 <33 #and once again, again, sorry for this post JSHJS ITS A MESS AND LONG AS HELL #and you don't need to go in order of my post its literally longer than your german compound words #u're fine #also !!! while writing this the birds were chirping outside and i was like 😳 #and one of your fics (i’ve read all of them, i don’t remember lol) that valentine’s day one where y/n had lingerie on (the pancake one lol) #inspired me to buy lingerie #like when i look back on me “growing up” #that fic & basically you lol really helped with that #that made no sense and i don’t know how to make it make sense... but... yeah. like ily

hiiiiiiiiiii <3333

Dear catherine, 😌

(you have said your name before, but it wasn‘t like an introduction or anything i think you were talking about .... was it possibly the incident at the cinema??? And you said something like ‘calm down catherine‘ like you were telling yourself to calm down idkd dkdkkdkd anyway i didn‘t mention it cause i wasn‘t sure if it was an accident or not dkdjd but now i know 😌❤️ Catherine is such a cute and lovely name btw omg and so are your brothers‘s names 🥰

Sorry that I‘m answering this so late, it‘s been an emotional rollercoaster for me since last week but i‘ll get to that in a second lol

Sksklssk girl i haven‘t played sims in like 2 weeks now ekejdkdlldld ok that‘s not that long at all actually but i keep wanting to play but then i end up not playing for whatever reason, so no news about my sims game 😔 but i love the names Liam and Peter and for twins!!! That sounds really nice actually

okay i‘m trying to answer your ask in chronological answer even though i wanted to wait for the depressing stuff and write it at the end or something OKAY so. i thought that i‘d feel so good when i start uni and that i‘ll like... have a purpose in life again and just be happy (cause in the last year i didn‘t do much and i was depressed like half of the time lol).... anyway i kind of feel even worse now? 😭 i think it‘s because in my brain it‘s like: university!!! that means your life will change and it‘ll all be so exciting. and don‘t get me wrong it is exciting butttt..... idk the online thing is so weird cause you‘re not meeting any new people (i‘m introverted anyway but still lol) and it doesn‘t feel like you‘re listening to/talking to actual people cause it feels the same as just watching a video?

also i thought i‘d be busy again but i only have one lecture (90mins) a day and theres one day where i dont have any lectures at all and just one day where i have 3 hours but.... idk i mean i shouldn‘t complain about having so much free time but i just don‘t know what to do all day and in a pandemic there really is nothing to do but i also can‘t relax bc it‘s like during the week and i know i have uni the next day and .... yeah.

There‘s also this one assignment i had to do that took me AT LEAST SIX HOURS AND IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING????? so that was the only thing i‘ve been doing besides “going to“ lectures. for this one course we have to read two (really really long) texts (like it literally took me 3 hours to read them) and we‘re supposed to post it on this website that all the professors in our uni use. So after 5 days of anxiety (✌🏼) i posted mine this morning bc last night i realised that i didn‘t even know why i was having anxiety so i just posted mine today. The deadline is tomorrow at 12 and no one except me has posted theirs yet........ so i have anxiety again 🥰 cause idk if i‘m the only one who did it or if i even did it correctly

Edit while i‘m rereading this: my anxiety about uni is a lot better and i‘m not as d*pressed anymore maybe it was just hormones? idk but i‘m better so that‘s good

(I started writing this like 5 hours ago and then i randomly completely forgot lol)

I‘m in a better mood now though so let‘s move on from that (oh wait also, i think i‘m gonna see if i can find a psychiatrist bc with my anxiety symptoms (long story) i need to go to a psychiatrist, and so far i‘ve only gone to like psycholgists and it didn‘t help but i think that‘s just bc i was meant to go to a psychiatrist and not a psychologist so dldjdjsj

n e ways but yes you‘re not alone, ily, things will get better and yes i love you (i‘m not good at this type of thing🥲 but i‘d hug you right now if i could <3)

Yess i think the time difference between est and me is 6hours but gmt is uk time i believe? i think mine is called.... cet? For central european time? I could be completely wrong though lmao

Oof i completely forgot about hollywood, i remember when laura kept posting about it on instagram but i never actually watched it and i definitely won‘t now lmaodkdksjsn

Okay my driving lesson LEBDJDKDK I DID NOT HOOK UP WITH ANYONE AKSJSKSMMLM especially not my 40 or 50 year old driving instructor lol i like her but NOT LIKE THAT, the lesson was really really really good actually and i think i‘ll have my driving test soon, but i don‘t even remember why the anon would have thought that??? Oh wait now i remember okay KEKSKDLDL so during the lesson my instructor was like do you mind if i turn on some music? AND THIS WOMAN TURNED ON ONE DIRECTION I LOVE HER so i made a post about it and i said something about the song up all night and i guess i phrased it in a .... idk in a dumb way 💀 so the anon made a joke that i stayed up with my driving instructor all night and NO. No.

Wait did i read that right? YOU WERE ARIEL ON STAGE? SIALDBDJDKSLMSBDKDMDMDKDJSLSMDJFJJEDMBFEKLEFBJDLDVSIDLESKSKWKDKDJDOWNYUEKWNDUWLNSUFLWVSUDLEHDOENSIDBEISBEHENJELBSIEMWUDNRIW KB WOBE JO ON SBEUU HIII S HWS LV W ICH US KB okay this keyboard smash is getting out of hand but uh please do elaborate on that 💘😌???? Like you can‘t just drop that information and not say more??? I forgot if you‘re in like your school‘s drama group (is that a thing? lol idk anything about acting) or in an independent group? Either way - ARIEL that is so fucking cool

Your brothers loooooool, no i get it though obviously you love them and stuff but esp at their age children are so annoying so good luck with them 😭😭😭lmao

Yeah “anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌“ yeah just me and my parents who constantly fight 🥰 lmao no i like being an only child, like i cannot imagine having siblings but i feel like if i had siblings i would be saying that i can‘t imagine being an only child so? but i do think it‘s quite different like i‘m trying to imagine having siblings and WHAT that‘s just so different omg i‘ve never really thought about it like properly ???

I saw a tik tok the other day that was like “sometimes i forget that my siblings have a life of their own. like i see them as side characters in my life“ and even though i can‘t relate obviously i felt that. lol, like i can really imagine how it feels idk what i‘m talking about like shut the fuck up, daria

(also my actual name is daria not aria but i dont like it, and also i wanted to be more anonymous on tumblr so now i‘m aria lmao. pls don‘t mention it though cause no one knows except for you and mel (peterbenjiparker) dkdkdkdnkdnd. but i‘m starting to identify with the name cause everyone keeps calling me that looool😭😭😭 (but i like the name, more than daria anyway? well it also depends on the accent, cause the way germans say daria is okay. the was Americans say it is also okay, but some of my family in England are from the north of england and i don‘t like how they say my name 💀 no offence to them(?) but yeah pls don‘t mention the name in your ask cause the chance of people seeing it is higher then (or if you want to say something about it just send a separate ask and i just won‘t post it (IDK what you‘d want to say about my name but yeah just in case slsldlldmsndnsns)

I‘m loving falcon and winter soldier so much but when i was watching an episode the week before last week (?) my laptop broke😭😭😭😭 during the scene where the dora milaje came at the end my laptop just shut down? And it had these lines all over the screen and i had to bring it to the shop where i bought it and they said it‘ll take 6-8 weeks to repair 💔💔💔 but at least it‘ll be for free, cause if i brought it back to apple it would cost like 400€ (i think that‘s nearly 500$) so yeah. but it sucks cause now i‘m “going to uni“ on a really old rusty laptop and on my phone which kinda sucks. oh yeah and also i can‘t watch anything on there 😭 i definitely want to watch wandavision but it‘ll have to wait🤧

Yessss you should def get your GED! I googled and I‘m still not entirely sure what it is dldks but from how you described it- YES!!!!!!

Idk if you know this? Like no idea if I‘ve told you this already (hmmm wait i feel like we talked about it actually?) anyway i was originally gonna go study in England, but for loads of reasons I ended up staying in Germany and I‘m def happy with my decision, but I definitely want to go to England sometime even if it‘s just for six months or maybe for my masters or something? And (obviously everyone is different) but i think everyone should go abroad and live in a different country once in their life, no matter if it‘s for school or what, and even if it‘s just for a few weeks. But i think that‘s something that you‘d never ever forget! And combining that with your acting/theatre??? You really would be living the dream 💘💘😌

how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?— sounds good see you soon 🥰🥰🥰

i used to be one of the people who‘d just do motherlode motherlode motherlode and just... what did i do? Why did i do that??? But not anymore lol. Like I said i haven‘t played sims in a few weeks but i‘ve been watching a few legacy challenge let‘s plays and usually i play with the aging off. So my sims just don‘t age 💀 but i could (should) turn aging on so that it stays exciting and i have limited time and everything. and once i get bored with my current sims i can just make them have kids and continue playing as their children when they get older- like recently i remembered that i haven‘t played the acting career in ages? and i haven‘t had a shop in ages? and i think you can even become a vet right??? like those are definitely some things i want to do in the next weeks!!! Also yes sksksjs i have a few hundred hours on sims as well (if not thousands 😭) it was just that one household that i‘d been playing with for 24hrs

AND GIRL SSKSKJD THE UNIVERSITY THING HAPPENED TO ME TOO, it was a while ago so i don‘t remember what degree and what job it was about but i made my sim study something for aaaaaages so she‘d get a better job from the beginning (you know what i mean like get in at a higher level)...... and i apparently studied the wrong thing cause i didn‘t get any benefits from studying and still had to start at level 1 and shit 🥴🥲

Oh also (this was like 2 weeks ago) Enisa and Michael did take in Michael‘s daughter and i think Enisa currently even has a higher/better relationship with the daughter than Michael but um💀💀💀 also i was hoping (since michael and enisa married (in their back yard i think lol) that the daughter (i forget what her name is😭) would have enisa as her step mom? Like you know how you can see the relationship and it says daughter or son or sister.. and i was hoping that it would say step mom but it doesn‘t say anything 🥲 but in my mind (and if the sims had proper family relations) she is her step mom😌 also Leo is a teenager now???? I mean I aged him up lol dkdk he was being too annoying as a toddler but i don‘t like children so i aged him up twice in one day and now he‘s a teen, but that means he can look after his half sister when she becomes a toddler which is good (the game recognises them as siblings tho even if they‘re just half siblings? why can‘t they have step family members in the sims🥲) okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

I‘ve been a bit sick these past few days and now i‘m getting a headache so i have to finish this response tomorrow 😭😭😭 </3

.

It‘s not tomorrow, it‘s 3 hours later but i‘m better lol

oooff when sims are ungrateful and won‘t woo woo (lol i like that) cause they‘re too tired like?? Be grateful that you‘re not living with your parents anymore 🙄 no okay dkdkdkdl idk if you play with mods (i don‘t) but i know there is a mod (or it‘s part of a mod idk maybe wicked whims?) where you can adjust the percentage of how risky a normal woo woo is, like you still click woo woo (3dksksks okay i‘ll say woohoo again— wait is that what’s it called? 😭) but there‘s like a 25% chance that your sim can still get pregnant just like in real life there‘s always a chance of getting pregnant even if you‘re using protection (just not 25% lmao) but yeah i personally don‘t play with mods sksk and you can always just click try for baby but it would be cool if you could add stuff like risky woohoo to the game without mods (i have no idea how to download mods and i play sims on a really really old laptop and sims is literally tje only thing that works on it anyway so—) i repeat my words from earlier: okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

okay i‘m so sorry i‘m gonna watch fast & furious 1 now cause i need to watch f&f 1-5 until the 30th of april cause they‘re only on netflix til then (i mean i could watch them somewhere else but the quality is never as good) so i will finish this tomorrow after all😭

it is now 1 am, i finished the film, can feel a new obsession coming up again (i always have these f&f obsessions for six months before and after a new film comes out)

THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE wkekdjdj tbh it sounds like someone is speaking with some kind of foreign accent i guess that‘s probably because it just is a direct translation and so anyway slsjsj i don‘t know if you asked me what the word fucking is in german? like idk cause the translation is a bit weird but in case you asked lol sidjsjs theres not really a good translation like we just say fuck for fuck lmao, i don‘t know if you typed in fucking in google translate and it came out as verdammt? cause that means damn (or damned sksjjs) ummm yeah idek if/what you asked so imma move on🤧

I‘m not gonna comment on what you said about every stormzy song cause you already said all the important things but SKSKSJSJSKNSNDBDUDOENWBSLSKKHSULSLSKSBSJSKSK I WAS SMILING SO HARD WHEN I READ YOUR RESPONSE FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH finally i know someone who loves him as much as i do 💘💘💘 also since you brought it up, i‘m pretty sure he‘s considered the most successful UK rapper or if not then at least top 3 so he‘s defffffffffinitely big in the uk, in germany more and more people are listening to uk rap too but not as much stormzy cause theyre dumb apparently 🙄 but anywY i‘m sooooo sooo happy that you like him. i think hith came out end of 2019 (i could be wrong but i think it came out on the 13th of december so (in a european way) you‘d write the date: 13.12 and obviously i don‘t KNOW this but i can definitely imagine that he chose that date because ACAB and yes, Michael. Yes. But he hasn‘t made too much music since then so i hope he‘s working on some new stuff 🤞🏼

Also i ordered the stormzy poster😌 also a nicki minaj one bc i decided i‘m gonna have one wall with red-ish posters (i already have two kinda red ones) and one with blue/green-ish posters (already have two) and i can add stormzy to the blue one and nicki to the red one, but i think that‘s it cause if my walls are tooo full it could look cluttered? I‘m not sure how that type of thing works lmao but my room is generally untidy so i don‘t want the walls to look unorganised too so i think that‘s it for now

I really want to finish this now but my brain is getting kinda slow and i need to sleep soon so this will have to wait till later after all 🥺🥴 (not that it makes and difference to you bc you‘ll see this whenever i post it buttttt i wanted you to know that i want to talk to you again but with my slow brain i‘m just taking too long to do it in one day😭😭😭 and i‘m so busy tomorrow hmm but i‘m sure i‘ll have 30 minutes to finish this then <3)

Okay wait I‘m so dumb I didn‘t realise I‘d nearly answered everything i could have posted this yesterday 😭😭

Oooohh that summer bra sounds so nice like if i was confident enough i literally would just wear a top that resembles a bra (or really is a bra lol) cause my tiddies always be looking amazing i‘m just insecure about my stomach sometimes 🙄🙄🙄 but recently i‘ve been loving myself more and more tbh 😌

also i hope you can go shopping for some nice clothes soon ✨😌

I‘ll be honest I haven‘t listened to your song recs YET but only because i wanna take my time with them and i‘ve been so busy and slso AJ tracey‘s album came out last week and I haven‘t listened to that one yet either so ekdkdj (he‘s also a uk rapper like quite popular and successful as well, but i feel like i‘m not gonna like his album cause whenever i‘m looking forward to an album it ends up being really bad and the albums where you weren‘t expecting it turn out to be bangers.... so yeah but i‘ll let you know when i listen to your songs!!!! :)

Omg i keep having to scroll up all the way to see the next thing you said so sorry if I completely miss some of the things you said😭😭

So when you sent this the bird was still bothering me oh my FUCK DKDLDMMDMDMD but now i‘ve been going to bed at like 1-2am so the bird is probably still asleep lool

Okay and for the rest of your ask my response is: 💘💖❣️💚❣️💛❣️💛💕💞❤️💓💟💞💕💕💖💘💝💟💟🧡❤️🧡💞💛💚💓💚💚💚❣️🧡💖💘🧡💝🧡💕💘🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥰🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘 (okay that looked cuter in my head i don‘t really like the green hearts dldkkdksndnd)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #348

“nothing will be free  /  nothing will be done  /  black out the sun”

Do you have any famous relatives? My third or so cousin is the author of Not Without My Daughter, but she's not like a smash hit or anything that most people know. I really do recommend the book, though. It's a long read, but a beautiful, true story. Do you care about celebrity gossip? Nah. Have you ever failed a science course in high school? No; I was very good at science. What’s your favorite breakfast food? Cinnamon rolls. Does your house have a basement? No. No house I've ever lived in has had one. Do you like Hot Topic? Well duh. Do you think imagination is valuable? VERY! Just imagine how many incredible things wouldn't exist without it. What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? Unspeakably happy, and I felt like I was building a future with someone. I felt like I had purpose, which I should mention to anyone reading is a mindset to NEVER adopt. No one gives you purpose; you're born with it. How much weight can you lift at once? Ha, not a lot. When you have your own house someday, what color Christmas tree do you want and how will you decorate it? I want a black one with faux snow on the branches, then maybe red ornaments. Kinda look like blood dripping off. Sounds metal. Name three YouTube channels you’ve been loving lately. Lately, John Wolfe, The Dark Den, and Aim To Head Mix. Have you ever bought a designer purse? No. Do you wear jewelry often? No. What color was your senior prom dress? Black. Are you colorblind? No. Name the people you know who are colorblind. Jason's older brother is colorblind to two colors, but idr which. Would you ever consider a career in writing? I'd love to. What was your first favorite color? Red. What do you think about horror movies? I love them. If you love them, what’s your favorite? I really enjoy The Crazies and both The Blair Witch Project movies. Oh, and of course Silent Hill. Got any cool Christmas presents picked out for family or friends yet? I don't have the money to get anyone presents... and while I sometimes get ideas about something I could make someone, then it wouldn't be fair to the rest of my family if I don't make them something, too. What’s your favorite word and why? I really like the sound of "serendipity," as well as its meaning. It's just a pretty, nice word. Do you like to do craft projects? If so, what’s the coolest thing you made? Not really... I think the coolest thing I made was when I put the clay heart I made in Art into a shadowbox, and a poem I wrote was in the background. It was a gift for Jason. I remember working really hard on the whole process and being really happy with it. I don't want to know what he's done with it since. What’s one occupation you think gets paid too much and doesn’t deserve to? I don't know. What’s something you are currently saving money for to buy? Everyone knows about Venus' terrarium by now... Do you smoke/vape? If so, what brand do you smoke/what device do you use? No. Ever done drugs? No. Tell me one of your worst habits. Catastrophizing. I take a tiny seed of something potentially bad, and in seconds it's a damn redwood tree. And I do mean "in seconds." What’s a weird quirk you have that no one else you know does? I don't know, I don't have any particularly unique ones, I think. If you game, what type of headset do you use? I just use earbuds. Do you think you would be a good therapist? You know, it's funny, I've actually pictured myself as one a few times, given my level of understanding and empathy for people, as well as how deeply I want to see others succeed and spread the word that recovery from things like depression is very possible. I've never truly entertained the thought, though, given I'm quite sure I legally couldn't be given my suicidal past and mental illnesses. There is also NO way I could listen to so many people's suffering and manage to stay healthy myself, so, no therapist position for me, thanks. Have you ever been to a Chinatown? No. Do you prefer chunky or creamy peanut butter? Creamy, 100%. Do you stop to pick up heads-up pennies? No. Do your pets have collars? Describe them: Roman has an adorable navy one with a bowtie. Do you have any friends that speak any languages you don’t understand? Old friends, sure. What is something you want to begin learning? I want to improve my ability to perform what in therapy is called "opposite action," where you do the opposite of what your depression (or other conditions) make you want to do. It always helps me feel good, like when I draw even when I don't initially feel like it, but it's rough to really force yourself to do it. What is a food you find comforting when you are sad? Ice cream is my comfort food. What is a quote you find comfort in? There are really a lot, but none come to mind immediately, gah. What is one Tumblr blog you really appreciate? I actually haven't been on my main Tumblr in months, but oh my god there is a Markiplier blog called "lady-raziel" and she is FUCKING HYSTERICAL. The meme quality is A+. What is a comfort movie/show for you? When I actually liked watching movies, I enjoyed watching Silent Hill when I was down. That whole franchise just makes me so happy. What is a recent creative project that you are proud of? That I'm PROUD of, idk. I'm not that happy with the last drawing I made, and I haven't done any serious writing lately that I find noteworthy. What is a video game that you find comforting? Shadow of the Colossus is probably #1. I find it so relaxing while equally epic as fuck. The soundtrack is to die for, and after playing it a billion times, it's pretty easy for me to kinda breeze through and just enjoy myself. Do you know how to bake bread? If so, what is something you’ve baked recently? No. Would you rather live in the mountains, city, beach, or the forest? THE MOUNTAINS!!! Particularly in the woods IN the mountains! Are you closer to your mother’s or father’s side of the family? Mom's. I don't even remember anyone from Dad's. Have you ever been in a “perfect relationship”? I thought so. Have you ever lost a fingernail or toenail? No. Were you a Disney or Nickelodeon kid? I preferred Disney. Have you ever been inside a jail/prison? No, and I don't plan on it. Have you ever dated a guy with a beard, mustache, or goatee? Jason had a goatee usually. He'd go clean-shaven sometimes. Did you ever name your stuffed animals? I named every single one I got as a kid. Now I don't, really, unless they're really special. What’s the name of the person who cuts your hair? I'd rather not share, given her name is very unique. Do you like cheeseburgers? Yes, they're one of my favorite foods. Do you have a Flickr? Yes, but I don't use it anymore. Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? No. Do you drink milk? Yeah, I love milk. Where was your FB display pic taken? My room. Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Yeah; white rice. My dumb ass didn't realize it had JUST come off the stove. My tongue hurt literally for weeks. Have you ever gotten your legs waxed? No. Do you own any CLOTHES from Victoria’s Secret? Er, are undergarments not clothes? But I know what you mean. No. What are your grandfathers’ names? William and... I can't remember Dad's dad's name. Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Well yeah. Are you against seances? I don't know if I believe in them being effective, but either way, they seem like a bad idea. Even risking luring a negative energy/spirit to you is something I'd stay away from. Do you own any superhero shirts? No, just Harley Quinn ones, some with the Joker on them, too. I need to toss 'em though because I am like, violently against romanticizing their abusive relationship. I used to just like them as a story character couple, but I got to a place where it just seemed... wrong to "glorify" it by wearing merch and stuff. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica, durrrr. Who is the biggest jerk you’ve ever met? Can you believe that would be my former best friend? Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never had an animal in my path. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you like kissing in public? If you're my serious s/o, I could care less, so long as it's a simple peck. I'm not making out in front of people. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I don't know. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I don't know. I'm lonely and love feels amazing, but I need to get my life on track before I can be a good partner to someone and not just dead weight. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Huh, funny, he's the one that walked away. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Uhhh that would depend on how serious we are, where we are, and just what mood I'm in. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? ugh What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? also ugh What’s your dirtiest secret? TMI AHEAD. Probably receiving oral while bare-ass naked on the chaise in the living room while we were home alone. Or having sex in my sister’s bed. Oops. Would you ever get lyrics tattooed on yourself? Yeah. I already do, anyway, and I plan on getting another. Can you photoshop images well? I'm decent at it. Where did you last drive to? Mom and I went to go get our Covid vaccines today. What’s the first verse of the last song you listened to? "I don't know what we're supposed to be, but I know we lost it along the way to something better, something so much more than pleasure that we seek, so blind inside to fill these holes left by these lies that we tell to ourselves as we manufacture our own hell." What do you hear right now? The aforementioned song: "BLACKOUT" by 3TEETH. What was the last thing you laughed about? This is so fucking immature lmao but when we were driving earlier, we passed a gas station that had a sign that was advertising Coke, but due to space limitations, it abbreviated to "2 liter Cok" and I cackled like a child. Mom laughed harder than I did. Do you know any gay people personally? Ye. What was the last thing that startled you? I think it was a car hoonking at somebody the other day. What was the last thing to make you even remotely sad? Today's been a kind of rough PTSD day thanks to Facebook. My old high school friend had her beautiful daughter, a childhood friend just got married the other day, another friend is due to have her baby in just a couple weeks... It's just weird but even more painful to know it was the life I once fantasized about with a guy that just dropped me and made a break for it. I hate admitting that there's this deep, deep bitterness in me about it, like he took my life away from me, even though that's of course very unfair to say. I don't want to talk about this anymore, so moving on with my day.

[looking-for-another-world]

Not Alone

summary: Bucky spends Christmas alone at the compound. Or nah?

pairing: Bucky x reader

warnings: 18+, tiny bit of angst, mentions of family toxicity, cursing, explicit smut, dirty talk, like one allusion to reader being plus-sized, soft!bucky, really sappy - you have been warned

words: 6321

a/n: This is my entry for @honeyhan-123​‘s HOLIDAY SPIRIT WRITING CHALLENGE. I had the prompt “Finding the perfect Christmas tree / decorating it” and looking back, I might have slightly diverted from that oops. This was so much fun to do though. This is literally my first finished piece of writing in years, so be nice to me, ok? Right, tmi. Anyways, this has gotten way out of hand in terms of how many words I wanted to write. I might make 3 separate files of it when I’m in the mood to figure out links, but for now here’s the entire fic in one. Enjoy! Also, I hope your 2020 is going to be amazing ❤💫🥂🎆

Prologue

As soon as Bucky stepped into the kitchen of the Avengers compound, his super soldier senses made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. Something’s wrong.

It was Dec 23, one day before Christmas Eve, and everyone except him had gone away for the holidays. Clint was visiting Laura and the kids, accompanied by Natasha (apparently, the boys had been nagging their mom for a solid 2 months whether Aunt Tasha would be staying with them), Wanda and Vision were traveling around Europe, Tony had taken Pepper to some little island in the Caribbean Sea, and Steve and Sam had booked a cozy, remote cabin in the woods to go skiing, hiking, getting drunk (well, Sam at least) and most importantly, getting away from being the Avengers for a few days.

Initially, Steve had Friday book the trip for three persons, but Bucky had refused. This was the first Christmas since many years that he was starting to remember who he was, really was, and although Steve was pretty much everything he considered home, he had preferred to spend Christmas where he actually came from.

In the end, Steve had reluctantly agreed, not wanting to push his best friend, but insisting that they at least spoke to one another on the phone every day. And so, Bucky had spent his day wandering the streets of Brooklyn for hours, fulfilling his best friend duty on his way home and telling Steve how much everything had changed and yet, strangely, still felt familiar. He could hear Steve smile through the phone; he felt the same. That’s when Sam had burst through the door of the hut, screeching “All I want for Christmas is you” next to Steve’s ear and ruining the moment. Steve had said his goodbye, leaving to stop Wilson from inhaling another bottle of Eggnog, and Bucky had wished him good luck with the bird brain. He returned to the compound, more mentally than physically exhausted, and headed straight to the kitchen, suddenly remembering that he hadn’t eaten something in hours. And there it was: A small puddle of water on top of the counter, as if someone had taken something out of the fridge and put it there for a moment. Only that there was no one to do that. He was supposed to be alone.

It couldn’t have been him: his soldier and assassin training had left him with an urge to leave everything neat and tidied; no traces. Silently, he made his way back into the hallway, calling the elevator and going two levels down, to the first level that was officially “Avengers territory”. Going back up, he searched every floor without coming across anything suspicious. And then, as the doors of the elevator opened to the 18th floor with a slight swoosh, he sensed it: There’s someone else on this level. He tensed up. His super soldier hearing going into overdrive, he snuck along the dimly-lit corridor until he heard them: sounds coming from the last room to the left, the entertainment room, stacked up with books, movies, consoles, a pool table, anything you could think of to pass your free time. He tried to hear more intently. The person on the other side of the door barely produced sounds; all he could make out was their shallow breathing. Someone with a normal hearing wouldn’t even have caught up on it.

Bucky conjured up a blueprint of the room: even if he could get through the door unnoticed, there was no place to hide. The whole design of the room practically screamed: “Look who’s coming!” His only advantage was the element of surprise. Trying to calm down his nerves, he took a few deep breaths and braced himself. Not wanting to have his arms in a position he could easily be taken hold of in, he stepped back, raised his right leg and kicked the door down, storming inside, met by a piercing scream and a loud splash as the bucket of ice cream you had been holding met the ground.

“(Y/N)?!”

“What the hell?!”

“Why are you here?”

“I fucking live here in case you haven’t noticed! Why are you kicking the goddamn door down like I’m some HYDRA agent trying to slit your throat?”

“Because-”, Bucky stops, guilt washing over him. Guilt and anger with himself. Even HYDRA wouldn’t be so dumb as to blow their cover like that, and they’d do a bit more than get the kitchen counter dirty if they wanted to make their presence known. “Because I thought you were one.” His voice is low now, almost a whisper, his eyes unable to meet yours, fingers fumbling with the hem of the coat he didn’t have time to take off. And seeing him like this, you understood: He thought someone had intruded.

You let out the breath you were holding. “I’m sorry, Buck. I wasn’t thinking. I should have let you know about my change of plans and that I’d be spending Christmas at the compound.”

His ears perked up at that. “You are? I thought you were going to visit your family.” You smiled sadly and now that his mind and body weren’t overtaken by adrenaline anymore, he took in your state for the first time. You looked pale, your eyes red-rimmed, like you had been crying. You were wrapped in the navy-blue blanket twice your size that Wanda had given you for your birthday. It went all the way down to your ankles where the legs of your sweatpants were peeping through, showing just a small stripe of skin before the fabric of a pair of green fuzzy socks covered your skin again. The ice cream you had dropped started melting on the ground, slowly dampening part of the expensive rug the pool table stood on, which you didn’t seem to notice. “What happened?”

You let out a mixture between a snort and an unconvincing laugh. “I talked to my mom on the way to the airport. She started complaining about how much I’ve been letting them down this year, bringing up things I didn’t even think were an issue anymore, and how she hoped I would pull myself together this time, for the sake of Christmas and our family. So, I figured I’d probably have a more fun time being alone in my room and sleeping for like 2 weeks than I’d have being with them.” The last part was meant to sound casually, but Bucky didn’t miss the twitch of your lips and how your eyes started to gloss over again. He wanted to say something to comfort you, but his mind didn’t know where to start and so he just kept staring at you wordlessly, which you took as a sign of annoyance.

“Don’t worry. I won’t bother you with that shitty Christmas music or candy or anything of that kind. I’m not gonna ruin your alone time. Just pretend I’m not here.”

He frowned at that, then, and as his tongue still seemed to be tied, he did the only thing he felt was appropriate: He put your arms around you and hugged you, hard, all-consuming. “I’m not worried you’re going to ruin my alone time. I like having you around. I’m sorry your family are like that, when they’re the ones letting you down.”

You’d liked to reply to that, thank him for his sweet words, but you were sure you’d start crying again the second you stopped biting down on your lip. So you reciprocated the hug as best as you could; after all you were lacking Bucky’s strength. Bucky squeezed you shortly and let go, and when your eyes locked again, you couldn’t help but mirror his warm smile. Jesus, this guy certainly made you feel things. No surprise you were crushing on him so hard.

“We’d better clean this up”, Bucky said gesturing to the now empty ice bucket head and your eyes widened as you noticed the mess you’d made. “Shit!”. Tony had spent an insane amount of money on that carpet, even for his proportions. He’d shoot you to the moon for that.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.” Bucky jogged back to the elevator, returning a minute later with a wet cloth and a roll of kitchen towels which he handed to you. Getting to work, you suddenly became aware of how much closer than usually you two were. You could smell Bucky’s aftershave – something resembling cedarwood – watch the muscles in his arms flex as he tried to rid the fabric of its B&J make-over, study the stubble on his perfectly sculpted jaw, his hazelnut locks, his plump lips. Oh god, his lips. Just thinking about having those lips kiss every inch of your body got you worked up. Get a grip, for fuck’s sake!

“So you’re really planning on skipping Christmas? It’s your favorite holiday”, Bucky interrupted your thoughts, shooting you a glance to see you shrug your shoulders. “I don’t want to see my parents right now, and I can’t imagine celebrating Christmas on my own. So yeah, guess I’ll be taking a break from it this year.”

“You’re not on your own, though. You’re with me. We can celebrate.”

You felt a pleasantly warm sensation in your stomach which you tried to ignore, quirking an eyebrow at him instead. “You hate Christmas.”

“I don’t hate all of it, I hate what it’s become. I hate that most people care more about what useless shit is in their stockings or under the tree than about who they’re spending their time with. I hate how every shop starts putting up Christmas stuff before it’s even October. They don’t even call it “Christmas” anymore. I mean seriously, xmas? What’s that even supposed to mean?”

Despite yourself, a small giggle escaped you at how upset he could get about it all and realizing he had started ranting without wanting to, Bucky had to stifle a laugh as well. "Point I’m trying to make is ” he concluded “I wouldn’t mind spending Christmas with the right company.”

Oh, and that’s supposed to be me? Right company?“, you shot back. "Sure thing, doll. You’re like an expert on Christmas, I can’t go wrong with you. Also, I like having you around. ” He furrowed his eyebrows. “I’ve already said that, haven’t I?”

“Yeah, you have. But that’s okay, I like hearing it”, you laughed, your hand briefly touching his arm. You were becoming kind of needy, it appeared. Bucky didn’t seem to mind though, or at least he didn’t let it show.

Looking down, you noticed with an internal sigh of relief that the ice cream puddle had given way to the water and the kitchen towels. All that was left was a wet patch that would hopefully disappear overnight.

“Guess that’s as good as it gets”, you joked. “Thanks for helping me.”

“It’s the least I could do, after scaring the shit out of you.” He took the dirty towels from you. “Guess we’re Christmas buddies then” he grinned. It was surprising how excited he seemed to be all of a sudden, but you didn’t let yourself linger on that thought. “Well, as the official Christmas ambassador, I have to let you know that this place sucks. There’s not even decorations.”

That was true. The past weeks had been incredibly hectic, even more than in previous years, and since almost everyone would be gone over the holiday season anyway and Bucky had emphasized several times that having the tower turn into Santa’s village would most likely lift his dinner, rather than his spirits, Tony hadn’t bothered to put up decorations.

Bucky gave you an amused look. “I see you’re getting into it. Alright, what do we need?”

“You mean, like everything?”

“Yeah, like the ideal setting. Can’t be that difficult.”

You gave him a sceptical look. “Oh no, not at all. We just need the decorations, music, candy, ugly Christmas sweaters, stuff to bake cookies, a firepla-”

“Okay, okay, I take it back.” Bucky raised his hands in surrender. “This is too much. What’s the most important thing?”

“The tree”, you replied without thinking. “The tree is the most important, to me at least. When my dad used to tell me he’d be bringing the Christmas tree home tonight, I’d spend all day glued to the window of my room, waiting for his car to steer into the driveway. It’s the one thing we ever did as a family, all three of us, decorating the tree. Everything else would be pretty much Mum and me, since Dad would be out working. The tree is … it just wouldn’t feel like Christmas without it.”

Inadvertedly, your brain had walked down memory lane to pictures of baubles in gold and red and purple and every color of the rainbow, mingled with the scent of fir and your dad’s bass voice singing “Have yourself a merry little Christmas” to you while you were sitting on your lap, and suddenly another wave of sadness hit you and you had to fight back the tears that were starting to well up again. You swallowed thickly before looking back at Bucky and were met with an understanding look. He had noticed your struggle but chose not to bring it up again and you were grateful for that. Grateful for him.

There were a few beats of silence before the super soldier offered you a tentative smile and said: “So Christmas tree is your final answer?” Another giggle.

"That’s my final answer.”

Part 1

You woke up to a sky the color of granite. Gloomy light and heavy clouds. Your heart jumped a little in your chest at the prospect of another downfall of snow. What’s Christmas without snow, right? Too comfortable to get up right away, you snuggled back into your pillow and let your mind wander.

It was embarrassing, really, but thinking about spending the whole day with Bucky filled you with a mix of anticipation and nervousness you usually felt before first dates. Prior to your job interview last February, you had spent hours and hours hooked up on research about the people you might soon be working with – the fucking Avengers! -, but Bucky’s story, or at least what was known of it to the public, had fascinated and moved you the most. It was hard for you to wrap your head around how someone could endure the most appalling things you could possibly imagine, and that for decades. Someone like the ex-Winter Soldier could barely be human anymore, filled to the brink with hatred and disgust for the world and the people in it, that you were sure of. And then, when you got the job and got to know him – he was the exact opposite. Sure, he was careful and hard to read, especially at the beginning, but he was kind. He was funny. He was emphatic. He was a nerd. He was sweet. And when you moved in to the tower and the two of you spent more time together, your feelings towards him grew stronger, and you found yourself imagining waking up next to him, his lips on yours the first thing you taste in the morning. Cupping his cheek and watching his eyes crinkle when he flashes you his million-dollar smile. Stroking his hair while he reads his favorite passages out to you or rambles about how all the things he’s just discovering now are not quite as good as what they had back in the days, but some of them are not bad. Being pressed down by his weight as you get to explore all of his gorgeous body and find out what sounds he makes when he’s buried in you, filling you up, making you feel so good as you’re begging him not to stop because he’s hitting just the right spot and you never want to let go of him, so good, please Bucky, please don’t stop, oh God, I’m so close baby, fuck…

The loud buzzing of your phone jerked you out of your trance and made you sit up straight in your bed, your heartbeat thumping in your ears, cheeks heated, fingers you didn’t even remember putting there coated in your arousal. Breathing heavily, you stretched your neck to see who the caller was: Mum. Oh, hell no. In a sudden burst of resurging anger, you declined the call, threw your phone away from you and let yourself fall back against the headboard with an audible huff.

Finishing the job wasn’t going to happen after yesterday’s events started rolling in, so you forced yourself out of bed and into the shower, washing away the heat of your little daydream with water as cold as you could bear. Putting moisturizer on, you focused your thoughts on today. If Bucky still wanted to help setting up everything for Christmas, they should get started as soon as possible. An actual Christmas tree was a bit too much to ask obviously, but maybe they could find a fake one and some funny tree ornaments to go along with it? Sweaters shouldn’t be that much of a problem either, they practically threw them in your face around this time of the year. And the Christmas music could easily be taken care of by Spotify.

You started listing the essential ingredients for three or four kinds of Christmas cookies in your head when you left your room to get breakfast. Closing the fridge door, you tried to decide where and in which order to go to get everything you needed on time (or should you split up?) when you noticed the yellow, blue, pink and green dots on the cold metal surface, dancing around in a carefully studied rhythm like colorful fireflies. Frowning, you turned around.

The huge panorama windows were decorated with beautifully woven ice flowers up to almost half of their height and framed by several strings of Christmas lights, cheerfully blinking against the grey sky outside and bathing the living room area in a colorful hue. Now that you stepped closer, the living room looked different as well. The couches and armchairs were covered under thick and fluffy-looking plaids and pillows with different Christmas-themed motives; a very kind looking Santa Claus on one, a couple of reindeer holding cups of Eggnog and singing “Jingle Bells” on another and the slogan “Tis the season” in as much glitter as could be fitted on so small a space emblazoned on a third. There were decorations, too: a nutcracker next to the tv, an angel’s choir holding candles on one of the couch tables, a snowman, a sledge, a rocking horse, a squirrel in a scarf… You couldn’t even decide where to look first. Too preoccupied to take everything in, you didn’t notice Bucky’s presence until he cleared his throat. “Do you like it?” You turned around to meet him, dumbfounded and still trying to understand what was going on, even more so when you saw the sweater he was wearing: fir green and depicting a penguin wearing a Christmas hat. You let out an incredulous laugh. “Did- did you do all this?”

Bucky lowered his gaze briefly and gave you a sheepish smile. “Pretty much, yeah. I’d hoped you’d sleep in. Gave me enough time to set everything up.” Your mouth opened and closed, unable to find words. “I-“ “Wait!” he interrupted. “There’s more.” He outstretched a slightly shaking hand and seeing that you didn’t respond, hastily withdrew it. Finally though, your body and mind seemed to have rebooted, and you grabbed his hand with both of yours. It felt hot against yours, hot and slightly raw. Bucky shot a surprised look from your intertwined hands to your face and you could’ve sworn that his cheeks blushed slightly. Is this even real?

Squeezing your hands slightly, he walked past you and into the living room, pulling you with him. Around the corner, out of your line of sight, there was a slightly smaller lounging area with the best stereo sound system Tony could get his hands on and without tv, designed for the numerous occasions you fancied actually spending time with each other and being able to face each other when chatting or playing games instead of just staring at a huge screen in unison. Now though, the bean bags had been moved to the side and in the center of the room stood – a tree. Not just any tree, but a fir tree about 10 or 11 feet high, almost filling up the room with its size and emanating that unmistakable scent that always took you back to fond Christmas memories. Next to it, on the ground and on several of the bean bags Bucky had piled up a seemingly endless number of boxes containing Christmas baubles of all sorts, ranging from the traditional ones to typical Christmas motives, Disney characters, and even the most absurd things such as very small-sized fruits and vegetables.

You couldn’t remember when your heart had last felt so light and full. If Bucky’s hand hadn’t anchored you, you might have just floated up through the ceiling and into the sky. And why not? Who knew what else might be possible after all this had felt so much like a dream already? Giving yourself no time to think about overstepping boundaries and the like, you threw yourself into Bucky’s arms, feeling rather than noticing his strong arms instantly enveloping your frame. “Thank you.” Your voice was muffled because you had buried your face in the crook of his neck and because you were close to crying again. Sensing your state, Bucky started tracing soothing patterns on your lower back and mimicking his movements, your hands started stroking his broad shoulders. “My pleasure, doll.”

He held you like that for several moments, lightly swaying to and fro, taking deep breaths with you. And after a while, when you’d quieted down a bit, you noticed that not only your heart threatened to jump out of your chest; Bucky’s heart beat a lot faster as well, hammering against his ribcage so much that you could almost feel it against yours. You drew back a little so you could see his face and were met with a look you’d never seen on him before, a look that went straight to your groin. His hands tightened on your back, like he was afraid to let you go, and your nose lightly brushed his. And just as you were about to close your eyes… his phone rang.

The noise startled you so much that you jumped in his arms and Bucky let out an audible sigh. “That’ll be Steve. Be right back.” With that, he let go of you to grab his cell from the kitchen and you felt like someone had just emptied a bucket of ice water over you and snapped you back to reality. More than that, you did feel cold. Had your body grown used to the heat radiating off him so quickly? Also, and that was the most important: What the fuck did just happen?

Bucky returned about 10 minutes later and found you in almost the same spot where he’d left you, now sitting awkwardly on one of the empty bean bags, desperately trying to regain composure. His heart still fluttered from being so close to you, and as he wanted this day to be anything but awkward, he’d spent a good 7 of those 10 minutes away thinking about how to proceed. In a manner he hoped would come across as relaxed, he sauntered over to the closest bean bag and picked up one the boxes filled with baubles. “Soooo”, why was his voice so squeaky? “let’s get started, shall we?”

He couldn’t see your heart slightly sink in your chest because the magical moment had officially passed of course; he just had eyes for the warm smile you offered him in return. “Sure.” You got up to take hold of one the boxes as well when he remembered something. “Hang on.” You raised your head and could make out something slightly mischievous in his orbs. “I won’t be the only one wearing an ugly Christmas sweater.”

—

4 hours later, any sign of awkwardness or discomfort between the two of you had officially gone to the wind. As instructed, you’d put on the ugliest Christmas sweater you could find (an awful mix of pink and gold in the shape of a Christmas elf with actual bells that jingled whenever you moved), Bucky had put on some music and you’d gone about your business. At some point (probably after your fourth cup of cocoa with rum and Bucky’s third pint of Asgardian mead he’d snatched from Thor’s quarters), you decided to forego any sense of aesthetics and just put up as many ornaments as would fit on the tree. As a result, it now looked as if the slightest gust of wind would make it collapse on the spot, but you two were oddly proud of your work. Taking cocoa and mead with you, you decided to have a small break and moved over to the living room area.

There were a few beats of comfortable silence, Sinatra softly buzzing in the background. Then, out of the blue, Bucky asked you to tell him your favorite joke. You were too tipsy to question how he’d come up with that, so you pondered his request for a moment and then answered. “I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.”

Bucky sat up on his spot of the couch and gave you an odd stare that made you wonder whether he’d understood you at all, and then burst out of laughter, almost spilling his drink in the process and making you laugh in return. You’d never really heard his laugh, just the occasional snort when he deemed something worthy of a reaction, but this was a sound made from the gods themselves and you could listen to it all day, every day, for the rest of your life.

Slowly, his fit came down to a low, melodious chuckle. “Honestly doll, sometimes I want to kiss you all over.” “Don’t hold back.”

The words had come out of your mouth before you could stop them. They didn’t remotely sound as teasing or nonchalant as you had meant them to. They sounded sincere, almost desperate. Because they were. And suddenly, as you watched Bucky’s expression falter, you felt remarkably sober again. Oh god.

Part 2

Carefully, Bucky stood up, moved over and sat down next to you. “Are you serious about this, (Y/N)?”

Heat crept up your skin, all the way from the swells of your breasts to your ears. You’d honestly never felt that put on the spot. Unable to answer, your gaze fixed the carpet, hoping that if you stared long enough, maybe it would do you a favor and swallow you whole. Bucky was now less than inch from you, close enough for you to smell his shampoo, his breath fanning the side of your face, making things only worse for you. Your heart sank deeper and deeper until you could feel it in your stomach, heavy like a rock. This day had been going so well. Why did you have to ruin it with your stupid inebriated brain? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

And then you felt his flesh hand cup your face, softly turning your head to meet his eyes. Those beautiful, cerulean eyes. “Because I’d really, really like to kiss you.” Frowning, you shook your head, your synapses refusing to process that bit of information. You swallowed several times before you found your voice again. “Please don’t mess with me, Bucky”, you heard yourself whisper, at which Bucky violently shook his head. “I promise.” And then his lips were on yours and you kissed him back.

It started out innocently enough, slow, tentative kisses, allowing the other to back out in case they changed their mind. Only that he didn’t back out like you thought he would. And you didn’t back out like he thought you would. Realizing how effortlessly your mouths pressed against each other, how right his lips felt on yours, you gradually grew bolder. You turned slightly to mirror his position and your hands went up to his face, feeling the stubble on his chin and jaw before carding through the silky strands of his locks at the back of his neck. One hand in his hair, you let the other explore more of his body as you felt up his biceps, his back, his chest abs. A content hum escaped his throat which only spurred you on. One hand in his hair and one bunching up the fabric covering his chest, you pressed yourself closer to him. His grip on your face tightened as he opened his mouth and his tongue caressed your bottom lip. Greedily, you welcomed him in your mouth and let out a deep sigh as your tongues met for the first time and the two of you fought for dominance over the other.

Bucky’s hands wandered down your body to the hem of your shirt and his lips soon followed suit. You let out a whimper when he sucked at the sensitive skin of your pulse point, determined to mark you. You’d never really liked hickeys, but this was different. You wanted everyone to see, see what had happened between the two of you. While your hands tangled in his hair, his slowly made their way under the fabric of your sweater, exploring the soft skin of your hips, your waist, your belly, cool on your right side, burning on your left.

It was so much more than you’d ever dreamed of, almost too much to bear, and yet his touches only made you more impatient, more needy, more desperate to have him. “Bucky…” It was barely more than a sigh, but Bucky’s head shot up at the sound and his eyes met yours. “What’s it, sweetheart? Talk to me” You took a moment to take him in, tracing his glistening bottom lip with your thumb. “I need you.” Bucky pressed his forehead against yours. “I need you too, doll. So much. That’s why I’m so scared of messing up with you.” You took his face in your hands again and pressed a kiss to his forehead, his eyes closing at the sensation. “There’s no way in hell you can mess up with me, James. Don’t hold back. Take me.” Bucky let out a shuddering breath. “Please.”

It was like a switch had been flicked. Bucky leapt forward and buried you under his weight, making you sink into the soft cushions. Kissing you even more passionately than before, he positioned himself between your legs. The bulge in his pants now clearly noticeable, he started grinding down on you and the friction made you pool with lust. You let out an audible groan that made Bucky’s cock twitch. Steadying himself with his metal hand, he clumsily lifted your shirt up your body with his right hand so the fabric bunched up over your breasts. Eager to assist, you arched your back to unclasp your bra and pulled it up as well. Bucky’s hand immediately reached out to palm the newly exposed skin while his tongue darted out to massage your already swollen buds. He went from left to right and right to left, making you stick your chest out as much as you could, before suddenly taking one nipple into his mouth and sucking greedily on it. You cried out in pleasure and his dark eyes went to scan your face, lip drawn in between your teeth, eyes pressed shut, your breathing getting heavier by the minute. Too mesmerized by the sight of you, he didn’t notice your hand that wasn’t tangled in his hair move from his back to the front of his pants until you massaged his erection through the fabric, running your palm up and down his impressive bulge. He let go of your breast to take a deep breath and used his right hand to feverishly rub your clothed pussy, causing you to yelp in surprise. Your hand gripped his wrist, urging him to slow down. “Don’t want to finish off like that. Need you inside me.”

Bucky’s answer was an appreciative growl. He stood up, freeing himself first from the sweater that was becoming increasingly hot and then from his jeans and boxers. His size was impressive, the tip swollen and glistening with pre cum and you couldn’t help but rub your thighs together in anticipation.

“Uh-uh. Let me take care of that sweetheart.” His voice was now a husky whisper that sent shivers down your spine. Agonizingly slow, he unbuttoned your pants and pulled them off you, groaning when he got a glimpse of your drenched panties. Sitting back on his haunches, he pushed your knees apart and ran his palms up the inside of your thighs, then softly ghosted over the purple cotton, before hooking his thumbs under the waistband. “Show me your pretty pussy, (Y/N).” In one swift motion, the piece of clothing was gone, and Bucky let out a low hiss at the sight of your wet folds. “Fuck, doll. You’re ven more beautiful than I imagined.” You were at a complete loss for words, but Bucky didn’t give you time to respond anyway. He took a hold of his erection and coated in in your juices, your overstimulated body jumping at the sensation, before locking eyes with you and carefully sliding his tip inside you. You both let out a needy whimper when he filled you up, going deeper and deeper, your pussy obediently swallowing him, until he bottomed out.

Bucky was still on his haunches, giving you time to adjust to him, intertwining his fingers with yours. “You okay?” You nodded. “You can move.” Bucky started thrusting in and out of you, accelerating his pace when it became obvious that you were in as much pleasure as he. Soon, he was mercilessly fucking you into the couch, snapping his hips forward and pulling out until just the tip remained inside you, and then repeating his actions, over and over and over again. When he used his metal hand to draw circles on your clit, you were a whimpering mess beneath him, uttering incoherent curses and multiple variations of his name. You felt the familiar sensation build up in your gut and squeezed his hand to hold off, but he wasn’t having it, only increasing his efforts. With a muffled scream, you came all over his dick, your whole body shaking from the intensity of it. The sight of you coming undone combined with your cunt convulsing around his dick pushed Bucky over the edge as well and his thrusts became sloppier as he painted your walls with his seed and then collapsed on top of you, both of you panting and bathed in sweat.

—

Your second time together was slow and gentle, taking all the time you now knew you had, making sure to leave no inch of your lover’s body unattended to. The third time was rough again, Bucky fucking you against the shower tiles, cold water pouring down on you because you’d accidentally changed the setting when Bucky had lifted you and neither of you had noticed. The times that followed took place in various places of the Tower; the pool table where Bucky had found you the day before, the kitchen island, Sam’s bed (which seemed to give him a particular kind of satisfaction), in several of Tony’s cars, at one of the panorama windows, your front against the shining outline of the city (and the fake ice crystals) while Bucky took you from behind, all the while whispering sinful things to you that drove you insane, how often he’d sat in his room fucking his fist to your image, your plump lips that were just made for his cock, your curves that made your entire body jiggle when he drove into you, that beautiful ass of yours, imagining your sweet voice begging him to make you feel good. After all, it appeared he’d thought about you as often as you had about him.

—

You woke up to a rose-tainted sky and soft kisses peppered across the back of your neck, your shoulders and along your spine. You giggled into your pillow. Bucky’s strands brushing your bare skin gave you a tickling sensation. “You’re up early.” Bucky hummed into the crook of your neck, making your skin vibrate. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about before heading out for my run.” You turned around to face him, his hair tousled, eyes still glossed over from sleep. Nobody should be allowed to look that gorgeous. “What is it?”

“Steve and Wilson will be back from their trip in a few hours and they will pester me about my crush on you and whether I’ve finally done something about it.” He rolled his eyes and your smile grew wider. “What are you going to tell them?” Bucky reached for your hand and gently squeezed it. “I’d like to tell them that I asked you out on a date and that you agreed, but that wouldn’t be entirely true, would it?” You quirked an eyebrow. “So you’re asking me for permission to lie to your best friend?” Bucky laughed at that, that kind of laugh that made his eyes crinkle. “Y/N, would you like to go out on a date with me?”

You tilted your head to the side. “Depends. Does that mean we’re gonna have to sleep in separate beds again?” Bucky raised your hand to his mouth and softly kissed your knuckles, then he stretched his head and planted a kiss on your forehead. “No way. What do you say?”

“Yes.”

[a-spell-a-rebel-yell]

June

oh my god, i think this month's monthly update is the most delayed one i've ever posted here... i'm so sorry huhu but anyways to make it up to you guys: hello friends, wherever you are i hope you guys are happy and safe.

(also a bit TMI: this is my second time writing this post. for unknown cause, while i was already 90% done with my post, Tumblr decided to crash and i lost all of the words i've written. sighs. from this second, i will always remember to do 'save as drafts' now and then)

so the reason of me going behind schedule is really just the classic excuse of me being super busy. so many things happened and it just kept me away from this website and update you guys, literally until i can only write these down 2 days into July! 🥺

June started just like any month this year. work wise, the clinic ran just like how it does normally. nothing worth noting happened. life went on as mundane as it is, just the way i like it: staying in comfort zone.

but then, at the end of first week, i received a terrible news: the passing of a second father figure, an uncle. it was so abrupt, happened at night, but that's how heart attack is. this post also serves as a public service announcement to please please learn how to do the CPR! it might save lives and prevents further serious damages. the steps leading to and during cardio-pulmonary resuscitation aren't hard to memorize and trust me when i say it will make a huge difference. there are just a few steps, simple yet effective and important that i'm sure you'll thank yourself for studying it beforehand and keeping it in mind. especially if you have family members or friends with cardiovascular disease, please take a CPR course.

what's worse was having to deliver the news to his daughter, my closest cousin, who was at Brisbane at that time. dealing with the loss will never be easy, no matter how many times we've gone through this. it doesn't even lessen the pain in the slightest, it just acts like a warning sign to brace ourselves for the surely harsh waves. it crushed and still left an irreparable dent on my heart.

my mum also got the worst impact. my uncle and her were close, they were like comrades and always trusted each other. she said it feels even depressing to realize there are only three siblings left, where originally there were seven. it brought back the topic of death, and of course my parents got me into another drill of instructions to do should their time come. i honestly can't imagine a world without my mum and dad, i've always thought them and my grandma are immortal and inseparable part of my life i will never lose. but i guess, death and losses are just like the shadow, we can never outrun it. we just learn how to live with it.

now the main and only focus is to spend as much time as i can with my loved ones. cherish everything i have with them while they're still here, and give them the best while they can still witness it. i don't care how much we have left, even if it's just a speck of time, that is ours to preserve in the best state.

on another note, i watched Broker 브로커 and Everything Everywhere All At Once at the cinema! these two movies are just awesome, pure masterpieces. i recommend you to watch it!!! i can't even really describe what i feel while watching them, i genuinely think no word can break down the emotions you get during and after watching. they just get your thinking gears move and force you to step on their shoes for a couple of hours... i think i will rewatch them from time to time. not to mention the scores oh my god!!! Jung Jaeil did Broker and Son Lux did EEAAO, and i kid you not my favorite score that i listened before watching is actually played also on my favorite scenes! Broker also got listed into Festival de Cannes competition and won Best Actor... so i think i've said enough to convince you guys to watch it 😁

on the same weekend when i watch Broker, i met my Twitter friend K! she was at Jakarta to watch her favorite athletes at the Indonesia Masters, so between her badminton matches watch party we managed to sneak in some time to watch Broker together and sit to eat, talking from A to Z! it's fascinating really, how even though when i meet my internet friends it's our first encounter ever, we interacted like lifelong best friends finally reunited 😂 she brought a friend along, so naturally i became friends with her too haha

i forgot to mention, but i bought yet another Dufan annual pass! if you guys know me, yes i go to Dufan just like i go to malls, so having this pass is like one of my most treasured lol. going back to Ancol complex and finally getting on my favorite rides, it was... cathartic. even if it was a me-time, alone Dufan date with myself, i feel so liberated, so free. my only mistake was going on a Sunday, which means a packed crowd wherever i went, it took an hour queueing for every ride 😭 but i just let it all out, scream and shout, emptying my lungs every time the ride sent me soaring high into the sky. i put my arms up, complete surrender. i even heard someone saying i was so brave to do that in Kora-Kora, because i sat aaaaall the way back so as the big boat swing i will get to the highest point in an angle where even though i'm actually seated, it forced me to go into standing position. almost like i'm flying! the adrenaline rush and all the fond memories are the reasons why i keep coming back to Dufan 😊

work wise: i'm starting to get interesting cases this month! the most memorable one is again from another pediatric tooth extraction case like last time haha. but for this one, it's not about me having to handle crying kid, but it's what happened during the extraction: the deciduous teeth i extracted has a long, perfectly fine root just like a permanent teeth!!! i swear i already did intraoral examinations before the procedure so i'm sure it is a deciduous teeth, but i have never seen a root that intact it sent me into a panic fit 😭😂 apparently it is normal, it just doesn't happen often. the next case is a mysterious diagnosis of an upper molar, it took me many discussions with my head dentists and professors to determine what to do next. last week i just had the patient in for radiograph analysis and next Tuesday i'll be starting the procedure. prayers i can deliver the best treatment for my patients 🤲🏻

also another thing to add into the pile of things i'm working on: i was writing another fiction, yes!!!! after so long not writing a fiction, i admit i become a bit rusty and have to check Thesaurus a lot, but it's fun designing the mind map, doing world building, and characterization! had to dig deep to find the right emotions and words to portray them, but i finished it. it's just a short 6.8k words, but i'm very satisfied with it hehe.

that's all, the monster update for what June has been to me. i hope anyone reading this will have a superb July!!! stay safe and healthy, see you in the next post 🥂

[r0rorowurboat]

all of them

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

the first time i watched moulin rouge i hated it? mainly because my sisters loved it and i refused to like things they liked, but now i love it haha

2: Talk about your first kiss.

oh god. it was horrible. we were both really overthinking it and were super nervous. It was so awkward. We literally just pressed our closed mouths together and were like “is this how you do it?” and then one of my friends had to show us how. 

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

nah man not right now

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

accepting that money lol

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

best birthday i had was a surprise party! it was the only party ive ever and and it was from a really good friend at the time who ive now grown apart from. it was super sweet 

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

ummmmm ive had some really bad birthdays lol i guess the one after my dad re-married and i had it at his house and his wife made me cry

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

mmmmmmmmmmmm my personality being annoying and cold and distant and also my eyes looking like my fathers and my bingo wing arms lmao

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

im proud of my art sometimes! but most of all im pretty proud of myself for overcoming my mutism and telling my family on christman

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

im okay with my nose. also my eye color i like? and ive grown to like my hair. 

10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

HAHAHAH screaming at my father in the target parking lot the day after my cat died

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

ummmmmm probably the ones ive been having recently about meeting all the server people? i usually have pretty bad dreams haha

12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

hahahahahahahahaha um it involved s/a

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

thats a bit tmi isnt it? it was alright.

14: Talk about a vacation.

i went to st. augustine with my grandmothers and that was really nice! I had a pretty great time. Also the time i went to disney world with my nephews was super fun,

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

hmmmm probably last year when i was in therapy and had a job and a few close friends that i hung out with a lot.

16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

okay so it was this guys birthday party and a group of like 15 people played coh and then all swam and i shoved pizza in someones pants and then got someone else to eat it

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

*stares wistfully at the server people i dont actively speak to with a single tear streaming down my cheek* one day when i figure out how to start conversations

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

um! this TA became really close to me and helped me get my IEP and looked out for me and every now and then i would just hang out in his office in the teachers lounge with him when i was having anxiety in class and he let me decorate it and put a sign on the door that said “Rachels Office”

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

ehhhhh ummm i got to help make a mural with the art club!

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

in high school i used to hang out with friends after school every day which was nice! I also made a lot of good friends that i still adore now

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

:/ he was a dickwad and i was not nice about it. I had told him repeatedly that i couldnt stand him and he didnt get the message so when he asked me out i told him no and when he asked why i spelled out everything i hated about him

22: Talk about your worst fear.

hahahahahaha nope thats not something we’re gonna talk about

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

it was all gucci. we agreed on getting some distance for a bit and now we’re pretty good friends

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

“You’re talented and I want to make sure everyone sees that.” my mom said that after looking at my art and i started crying i was so happy haha it was the first time she had ever said that about my art.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

she was ehhhhhh really icky. she couldn’t accept when she was wrong and she was very selfish. She kind of put me down a lot and it was sort of a situation of “if i hadnt met you when i was really young we wouldn’t be friends” and it turned very toxic. 

26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

complain. a lot. make soup. get very affectionate and gushy too. sleep a lot.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

usually eyes or hair! 

28: Talk about your fetishes.

hahahahahah ummmm tattoos are really nice

29: Talk about what turns you on.

hahahahahhahahahahahahahhahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaa

30: Talk about what turns you off.

feet. also, bad attitudes. entitlement. 

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

i think its like sleep. or many its moving on. maybe its reincarnation. idk. nobody does and i accept that.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

Lexington, Kentucky! The cul-de-sac we lived on and Isabelle and the park we used to walk to behind the school. Snow mans and getting hit in the face by a snowball. The fireplace and coloring books. My grandma’s bedroom and the picture frames on the windowsill.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

I cry? lol. um. I try to talk about it with people or draw because thats healthier than my old habits ha

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

tearing a ligament in my knee. it still hurts sometimes to this day haha ive got a bum knee now.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

biting my nails, talking to my abuser, shutting myself inside, lapsing into my old habits, ignoring texts… hahaha

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

um hm okay stupid disney channel original movies are one. with the bad acting and predictable plot lines. those. idk they just cheer me up sometimes

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

mmmmmmm no thanks im good haha

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

Any Sam Smith song reminds me of Ashley 

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

I wish I had known earlier about a lot of things. My sexuality. My goals. My priorities. Coping mechanisms. Results of certain relationships and actions. yeah, those.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

Endings are always kind of sad, aren’t they? Ahhhh ummm my last day in Naples was the end of a lot for me. The end of seeing a lot of people who matter a lot to me. The end of dependence on my mother. The end of a job. The end of a lot. HAha. I cried for about 6 hours that day.

[rivermoose-vlogs]

I wasn’t tagged – and what is it with me and doing things I wasn’t tagged for vs. things I was? – but Icebreaker694 – who’s blog is AMAZING and you should go check it out – did this tag and tagged anyone who wanted to do it, so here I am.

I LOVE Ghibli movies. I’ve been watching them for YEARS. Like, I watch them in Japanese when I am too impatient to wait for the english dub to come out. So I wanted to do this okay?!

Bonus from Icebreaker: PlayBuzz quiz to see what Ghibli Heroine you are: Link if you want to play – I got Nausicaa from Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind!

The Rules:

Please pingback, rather than link to Kate@Melting Pots and Other Calamities. She will only know if you’ve done this tag if you pingback.

Tag as many people as you want. Ghibli movies aren’t as popular as Disney or Pixar, so be careful that those you tag are at least somewhat familiar with Ghibli.

You can use examples from books, movies, TV shows, anime/manga, and webcomics.

As this tag celebrates heroines, please name either a piece of fiction or a female character, if you’re able.

Have fun!

Questions!

Nausicaa, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind: (Even though this isn’t technically Ghibli, it’s still marketed that way). Nausicaa is a princess in a post-disaster world. She is compassionate and brave, a daring explorer who is capable and selfless.  Name a strong female leader. 

Uhura from Star Trek. Seriously. She’s not the captain, but she’s an irreplaceable part of the Bridge Crew!

(Never seen this one…)

  Sheeta, Castle in the Sky: Although Sheeta may have a quieter demeanour than other Ghibli heroines, she is not a damsel in distress. She’s royalty, but doesn’t stay on the sidelines; she is involved, kind, and despite a sad past, hopeful. Name an inspiring member of royalty.

Leia from Star Wars. As if any other answer is acceptable!

(Great movie – though not one of my favorites)

Satsuki and Mei, My Neighbour Totoro: Before Anna and Elsa, before Lilo and Nani, there was Satsuki and Mei. Satsuki was incredibly young when their mother was hospitalised, and with their father at work, she has to take care of Mei. And Mei is only four, with a big imagination. Name a pair of siblings (or two friends who act like siblings). 

Katniss and Primrose from The Hunger Games. Katniss takes care of Prim the same way Satsuma takes care of Mei.

(Arguably my favorite Ghibli movie – Soot Sprites! The Totoro song that with forever be in my brain!)

Kiki, Kiki’s Delivery Service: Kiki has to go off on her own to live alone, as is the custom among witches. She goes through many things that newly independent young adults face, like money problems, finding a place to stay, job searching, and loneliness, before finding her way thanks to her special abilities. Name a female character who has supernatural gifts.

Jessica Jones – A kickass super-heroine with super strength. Does that count as supernatural? I’m going with it.

(I’m DYING to see this movie!)

  Gina and Fio, Porco Rosso: Gina and Fio are both heroines in this film, and they couldn’t be less alike. Gina is a young woman who is very feminine, a singer and a restaurant owner. However, she is very resourceful and capable. Fio is a teenage mechanic who is independent, goes against the flow, and isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. She may be one of the best mechanics of her time. Name two inspiring heroines; one who is unabashedly feminine, and another who is more of a tomboy. 

Izzy from TMI – super feminine and super badass!

Lada from And I Darken – A serious tomboy, like that is 90% of her characterization.

Angel, On Your Mark: On Your Mark is a music video that Ghibli helped a music group with. It may not have much of a story, but it’s beautiful and interesting, and not may people are aware of its existence. Name an underrated heroine.

Maximum Ride! Not enough people seem to have read the books – and…well…winged humans.

(I didn’t know this video existed…)

Shizuku, Whisper of the Heart: Shizuku is an eighth-grade student who can’t quite focus on school as much as on her favourite books. However, through encounters with an ambitious boy who seems to have a likely chance at meeting his goals, a cat who rides trains, an antique shop owner, and a cat statue called The Baron, Shizuku is determined to meet her own goal and become a writer. Name your most relatable character. 

Cath from Fangirl. She is literally me!

(I can’t remember if I’ve seen this movie…)

San, Princess Mononoke: San has been raised by wolves her whole life. When humans begin to invade her home forest to make towns and use the resources for themselves while killing the spirits and animals within, San refuses to let it be. She takes a stand and becomes the village’s  greatest obstacle. She is such a force to be reckoned with that they even give her a name; The Princess Mononoke. Name a female character who is physically strong.

Kara Danvers (AKA Supergirl) – she’s literally an alien was super-strength – okay?

Chihiro, Spirited Away: At the beginning of Spirited Away, Chihiro starts off as a whiny, spoiled ten-year-old girl. However, during her time working at the spirit’s Bath House, she discovers parts of herself she didn’t know she had. The story is about her finding the strength she already had but was unaware of. Name a character who has an amazing character journey.

Tessa Gray from The Infernal Devices. A lot happens in a short frame of time for her – but she grows a lot as a character.

(I love this movie so much you don’t understand!)

Haru, The Cat Returns: Haru is a typical high school girl; kind, clumsy, and a little forgetful. But she soon finds herself involved in events that are out of her control. In a way, it is because of her normalcy that she can find her way out of her situation and become stronger because of it. Name a female character who may not have any supernatural abilities herself, but is memorable anyway.

Tohru from Fruits Basket! Even surrounded by guys who turn into animals she stands out!

(Haven’t seen this movie…)

  Sophie, Howl’s Moving Castle: Sophie doesn’t think much of herself for a lot of the story. She doesn’t think she’s pretty or memorable, especially when compared to her younger sister, Lettie. It gets even worse when she’s cursed to look like an old woman. When she finds a new life that involves the mysterious wizard Howl, a fire demon, Howl’s apprentice, and many others, she is shown to be resilient and intuitive. Name an emotionally strong character.

Kaori from Your Lie In April – I won’t say too much as its spoiler-y. But, for real. Wow.

(I LOVE Howl’s Moving Castle – one of the best Ghibli movies for sure. Its the Ghibli version of Beauty and the Beast)

  Ponyo, Ponyo: Ponyo is one of the youngest Ghibli heroines at only five years old. But she still gets a lot done, including becoming human, discovering things, finding a best friend, and saving the world. Name a hero who happens to be a child.

Chiyo from Azumanga Daioh (an anime I love). She’s a 10-year-old genius child who is skipped ahead to high school and faces all sorts of interesting obstacles because of her age.

(Ponyo is the one Ghibli movie most people know since since did the dub – its basically the Ghibli version of The Little Mermaid and its great)

  Arrietty, The Secret World of Arrietty: Arrietty is a Borrower; she is tiny and survives by stealing small things that humans won’t miss. Yet she’s curious about the human world, and does braver things than most humans would be incapable of doing, despite her tiny size. Name an unlikely hero.

Skye / Daisy Johnson from Agents of SHIELD. Her entire character arc – especially in the first season – is how she doesn’t think she fits the bill of being a hero (and she so is).

(I love this movie – its also a really great book-to-movie adaptation!)

  Nahoko, The Wind Rises: Nahoko has tuberculosis during World War 2. However, she doesn’t allow this to cripple her, and enjoys life to the fullest anyway, which includes painting and falling in love. Even being placed in a sanitarium doesn’t break her. Name an inspiring character with some sort of obstacle. 

Naho from the anime Orange. She gets lets from her future self and has to try and fix things without really knowing what happened and I’d say she handles that obstacle better than I ever could.

(I haven’t actually seen The Wind Rises – though I want to!)

Kaguya, The Tale of the Princess Kaguya: in a time where women were expected to follow social norms such as blackening teeth, shaving eyebrows, and being forced into arranged marriages, Kaguya refuses to play along. She would much rather be outside, dance, and play with friends. Name a female character who challenges social norms.

Definitely Haruhi from Ouran High School Host Club. She ends up cross-dressing and pretending to be a boy in order to pay back her debts to her school’s host club and it is one of my favorite animes!

(Haven’t seen this Ghibli film either…)

There we go! That was the Ghibli Heroines Tag! I had a lot of fun! And now I want to go watch a Ghibli movie…

A little sad two of my favorites “From Up On Poppy Hill” and “When Marnie Was Here” weren’t here, but oh well!

If you like Ghibli, or you liked this tag, and you like video games, you should play Ni Nu Kuni: Wrath of The White Witch – its a JRPG animated by Ghibli and one of my favorite games EVER!

Let me know what you think of this tag!

What is your favorite Ghibli movie / which do you want to see?

Tag:

Like Icebreaker, I don’t know who would want to be tagged in this.

So I’m tagging anyone who wants to do this / likes Studio Ghibli!

The Ghibli Heroines Tag I wasn't tagged - and what is it with me and doing things I wasn't tagged for vs.

[thesummerfox]

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 whoever the fuck you want

I was tagged by the fabulous @goddamnitkastle and @laura--howlett , thank you both so much! I’m tagging @wolveria, @emanationman, @thewonderginger, @sonicskullsalt, @carry-the-sky, @wasleichtes, @secondary2mary , @kteague , and @theycallmeeverlasting with absolutely no pressure to do this cos it’s a lot of stuff but if you’re bored like me.. go give it your best shot? 

Setting this under a read more cos I doubt anyone wants my babbling on their dash..

The Last …

1. drink: apple juice

2. phone call: I think I called mom to let her know what time I’d be coming home

3. text message: one from work asking if I remembered a password cos the entire IT dept is out on holiday and they couldn’t access a laptop lol

4. song you listened to: Na Na Na by Pentatonix

5. time you cried: ugly cry has been a while but casual cry was a few days ago

Have you ever ...

6. dated someone twice: I’m not sure how they mean this question but I’ve never casually dated, I’ve always been friends with people first and ‘dating’ felt a lot like hanging out (except with more kissing lol) so I dunno?

7. kissed someone and regretted it: nope. I love kissing people and I do way too little of that so my only regret is not kissing more people haha!

8. been cheated on: not to my knowledge.

9. lost someone special: Yes, either because they died or because they left my life. 

10. been depressed: oh yes. My last major episode’s been a while, but I get downer moods like no tomorrow after I come off one of my high-as-a-kite moods so that’s a lot of fun. *eyerolls* Always have to be careful in fall/winter cos I’m more susceptible to a depressive bender in those months.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: I’ve never even gotten drunk lol -- tipsy is the most I can manage because I’m a controlfreak like whoa

Favorite Colors…

12. Sky blue

13. Dark purple

14. Sunshine yellow/bright pink (hah I can’t choose!)

In The Last Year Have You…

15. made new friends: yesss

16. fallen out of love: nope. Been a while since I’ve been in it, if I’ve ever been at all.

17. laughed until you cried: that’s the best kind, so absolutely! I am the type to just start laughing hysterically or crack a few jokes that are funny to nobody but me so you can imagine that I’m not a stranger to just laughing so hard that I start crying

18. found out someone was talking about you: yeah, in both good and bad ways

19. met someone who changed you: always -- in big and small ways

20. found out who your friends are: thankfully, yes. 

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: yes

General

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: it’s a 50/50 cos I hate using FB for anything other than games and I have added people I only know from online interactions before cos they’re awesome and I wanna see what’s up in their lives

23. do you have any pets: not anymore =(

24. do you want to change your name: nah, I’m good with my name. My name and I are best friends right around now lol

25. what did you do for your last birthday: uhh I don’t recall what I did on the day itself but I know that I went to see the movie Jackie not too long after my birthday and called it my birthday outing so that’s that

26. what time did you wake up: 5am because my brain hates me

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: getting ready for bed

28. name something you can’t wait for: new Game of Thrones season

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: she’s literally in the next room so like 10 seconds ago lol -- I still live at home

31. what are you listening to right now: chirping birds in the backyard

32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yeah

33. something that is getting on your nerves: the godawful holiday schedule that public transport’s got going on right now holy shit I’m so pissed

34. most visited website: Tumblr

35. hair color: it’s red right now but my natural colour is brown

36. long or short hair: I’m growing it back out to long

37. do you have a crush on someone: when do I not seriously

38. what do you like about yourself: I'm pretty intelligent and creative but I gotta tell ya that the thing I like most about myself is the devil-may-care Aquarius attitude to fashion/make-up that winds up with me mixing patterns and colours and going full-tilt cray with blue lipstick

39. piercings: I just have a hole in each ear so I can wear earrings but then forget about that a lot so I’m stabbing my own ears every so often just to keep them from closing up

40. blood type: I have no idea

41. nickname: no real nickname going on at the moment

42. relationship status: single and too picky to mingle lol

43. zodiac: Aquarius

44. pronouns: She/her.

45. favorite tv show: BANSHEE (I’m sorry I’m all-capsing the fuck outta this but this show is insane in the best way and I want y’all to start watching it if you haven’t already okay good thank me later for your traumas)

46. tattoos: I haven’t got one but I keep thinking about getting one but I’m a chickenshit with a low pain tolerance so eh

47. right or left handed: right-handed

48. surgery: I had some work on my teeth done like ages ago but I’ve never been in hospital for anything 

49. piercing: aside from my earring holes, absolutely nada

50. sport: I took ballet back when I was tiny but lately the most I do is occasional yoga

51. vacation: I’m not going anywhere this year that I know of but I like doing citytrips and a lot of sightseeing stuff

52. pair of trainers: Skechers are awesome for my feet so I’ve got a fair few of those -- I tend to walk around in trainers a lot cos I’m always on the go and cannot walk long distances in crap shoes

More General

53. eating: I’m a superpicky eater but I like my fruit and veg, haha (and the last thing I ate was bread and strawberry jam)

54. drinking: I live off fruit juice and water

55. i’m about to: stare at my screen some more cos I have a writer’s block looming over my long fic

56. waiting for: my holidays to start omg

57. want: to buy a car and move out of the house but in this current economy that’s like saying “I need a ticket to the miracle express”

58. get married: someday, maybe? I’m not seeing anyone and you really do need more than one person for that adventure

59. career: I have one? but it’s like a career born out of necessity that doesn’t totally suck to do on a daily basis and the career I want (I just wanna write let me write) is not constructive as a way to pay the bills

60. hugs or kisses: BOTH. I hug people more than I kiss ‘em but I’m all for both

61. lips or eyes: eyes are the window of the soul yo

62. shorter or taller: I’m relatively tall so my inner circle of people consists of both shorter (mostly girls) and taller (Dutch folks tend to be skyscrapers)

63. older or younger: I’m friends with people much older and quite a bit younger than me -- I really don’t care about that. all my relationships have been with guys who were a bit older tho

64. nice arms or nice stomach: ARMSSS I have a thing with nice hands/arms you don’t even know

65. hook up or relationship: relationship, never done random hook-ups

66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant (I blame my Cap stellium omg)

67. kissed a stranger: noooo but I totally would not gonna lie

68. drank hard liquor: hahahahahaha oh no

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: nah, I may forget where I put them but I never lost them

70. turned someone down: yeah I’ve had to do that, it’s not fun but if I’m really not feelin’ it I’m not gonna pretend otherwise -- I really fucking hate it when people don’t take a polite “no” for an answer though

71. sex on the first date: depends on how long I’ve actually known someone? if they’re a total stranger, then nope, but if we were friends before dating I just might

72. broken someone’s heart: yes, probably, but I didn’t stick around to watch them fall apart cos I was that done with the relationship and he really really really had it comin’ so I hope I shattered it tbh

73. had your heart broken: yeah but I bounced back all right from that so my guess is that I haven’t crashed and burned the way some folks do over heartbreak

74. been arrested: nah

75. cried when someone died: I have done both the ugly sobbing that just makes everything stream out in a cascade of tears and snot (yeah lol tmi) and the dry-eyed thing that eventually ended in a breakdown months later so uhhuh

76. fallen for a friend: always. not in that I always fall in love with my friends, lol, but in that I have to be friends with someone if I’m really gonna fall for them that way imo

Do You Believe In …

77. yourself:  hell to the yes I do

78. miracles: I think the universe provides for us and sometimes blindsides us in a way that makes us think miracles are real

79. love at first sight: I’ve had it happen and it’s not fun so I wanna stop believing in that okay thanks

80. santa claus: I used to, like I seriously hallucinated reindeer noises at one point

81. kiss on the first date: yes please

82. angels: yes

Other

83. current best friends’ names: they know who they are

84. eye color: green

85. favorite movie: Wonder Woman! (to absolutely nobody’s surprise? hah)

[nerdwreck]

élin’s eurovision opinions - an essential guide to good taste *ahem*

some people have what in swedish is called ‘vårkänslor’ (literally ‘spring feelings’, could be described as an overall feeling of happiness, relief that winter is over, and/or ‘love is in the air’ kinda thing) in the spring. i on the other hand, i have eurovision feelings. i just neeeeeed to talk about the eurovision with SOMEONE, and since i have barely no friends to talk about the esc, i need to vent a little. so, here are my opinions on this years eurovision contestants, in no particular order (actually in the order they presented them in a panel-program on finnish tv, which i marathoned, because i’m a nerd like that). i excuse my pompousness in advance, call me percy weasley all you like, this is just how i am and how i write 

greece - i’ve generally liked the greek eurovision songs, but this one just doesn’t do it for me. i like the build-up and demy sings very beautifully, but the refrain just sounds like boring regular radio pop, which is okay, but like i said, it does very little for me

moldova - EPIC SAX GUY IS BAAAACK. if one considers only the tune, it’s VERY catchy and a pretty good song, buuut i’m rewatching the video right now, and i’m questioning things. many things... wtf. but the song itself is catchy, i will very likely dance to this, and this will be the resurgence of epic sax guy, if not as fantastical as originally

australia - why are you still here? when did australia become a part of europe? very well, i’ll review your song then. in a year with a lot of ballads and slow songs (yet again), this one is pretty good. but tbh, i forget about it very fast. the song has grown on me since i first heard it. it’s not especially remarkable, but it ain’t bad either

azerbaijan - i like the sound of the song, reminds me a little of t.a.t.u. i don’t have too much else to say about the song. it’s good. but ~something~ is missing. and the grammar disturbs me. and the fact that i keep hearing “ i am skeletor”

cyprys - i always think this is rag’n’bone man’s ‘human’, but no. ‘tis not. the song is, heh, well-constructed and well written, but to me the lyrics just sounds like he’s listing synonyms. and i miss something.. otherwise the song is good. all i say is good... i think need to come up with some synonyms myself...

albania - this song was originally in albanian, but they translated it. it makes me sad. i think this song has great potential, but because it’s in english, it doesn’t get there. i have a soft spot for songs that are sung in the singers native language, so i’m pretty bummed that there are so few of those this year.

iceland - i like this. a lot. it’s stuck in my head very often. i have nothing to complain about. i like the sound, i like svalas voice. it’s one of my faves

latvia -  took me a while to remember what latvia was called in english. not important. the song: it’s my kind of music. i like it a lot. the sound is cool. but now that i see the VERY culturally appropriating fashion in the music video i’m a bit put-off... ummm... I LIKE THE SONG....

georgia - in the panel-show i watched they called this the “worlds worst bond-song”, and i can’t but agree. the lady sings well enough both in the video, and isn’t too bad live either, but it just tries too much

porugal - everyone's’ surprising fave. mine too. portugal has, for as long as they’ve participated in the esc, ONLY sent songs in portuguese, so + + + this man is a human kitten. he is so incredibly cute, and his voice sounds like he’s purring. this song would be perfect in a romantic movie montage, and i’m usually not about that life, but this i looove. salvador, i wanna hug you, is that okay?

sweden - i’m not gonna hold back on this one. i do not like this song one bit. i followed the swedish “semi-finals” (can’t come up with a better word atm) this year (as well) and i liked so many other songs. it’s just so creepy and uuuuughghg. robin competed last year as well, and he was good and sweet and played the harmonica then, and i loved him. while i still want to, TMI, sit on his face, i can’t with this song. it’s on the radio at least twice a day. the song isint bad melody or composing wise, but i hate hate hate it. did i say i hate it?

armenia - this woman looks a lot like ivanka trump. like, A LOT a lot. it is unsetteling. the song has that ~oriental~ sound, and while i like the sound of the song, i can’t get over the not so good lyrics, and the video gives me more of those cultural appropriation vibes... parts of the song are fine, but the rest is forgettable

poland - i didn’t initially like this song, but it has grown on me somewhat. its gone from ‘meh’ to ‘yeeee’. something about this, i don’t know what, gives me twin peaks vibes, twin peaks vibes are almost never bad

belgium - this lady sound like a mix of lorde and birdy. i for one really like both of those women, so this woman, who is 17 btw, is a fave in my book. doesn’t sound so eurovision-y, but i really like it as a song. i will listen to this when it comes on

israel - okay, i guess my opinion on this song has completely changed since i last heard it. then it gave me much to nothing, but now it’s suddenly a lot better. i’m a bit bothered by the very sudden ending, but i guess i will be dancing to this after all

malta - a power ballad that takes a little more place than the others this year. i like a lot of the elements of this song, and as a whole it makes for a very good ballad. not exactly a fave, but i definitely think it better than just ‘good’

hungary - yet another fave. native language, rap, man with beautiful voice, traditional elements, nice sound. only good things. i have absolutely nothing to complain about, i’m just gonna sit here and enjoy the song

danmark - in the verse(s) leading up to the second chorus, this lady sound a lot like philippa soo singing ‘burn’ i hamilton. it’s weird. but yeah, THIS song sounds like a disney end-credit song. this woman sings extremely well, and the song keeps growing on me, and i do not know why

montenegro -  we have arrived. we have arrived at one of my absolute favourite songs of this year. it’s everything a eurovision song should be. this is the new anthem of the gay olympics. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IT’S GOT EVERYTHING!! space, a fantastically fabulous man with the longest braid ever, it’s so fucking extra and i love it, DISCO AND I LOVE DISCO, trumpets... there’s nothing to hate and sooo muuuch to love. this will be one of the song that i can not not dance to, like ‘footloose’ and ‘shit up and dance’

austria - the category “cute-guy-with-guitar”. couldn’t care less tbh

macedonia - i guess i like this song. i like some parts a little better than others. very radio friendly, and i don’t think i would change station if this came on. would dance, or at least move some limbs

finland - i’m sooo soo sooo happy that i like the song we’ve sent this year. i haven’t really liked a song we’ve sent to the esc since 2014. i liked this song from the first note, and it just keeps getting better. i find it so incredibly beautiful. i’m not even saying that because i’m finnish, i just love this song so much. it gives me ‘secret garden’ feels. i just wish it was longer. i neeed mooore. love love love. plz vote for us :’)

romania - okay, imagine a line. that line is eurovision. at one en of the line, the good end, is montenegro’s song: and absolute pearl, the best of eurovision-ness and weirdness. and on the other side of the line is romanias song: yodel it. no, i will not, but i will laugh at it. it’s so bad i, resentfully, love it. it’s much for my to comprehend. who thought this was a good idea???????

slovenia - nope. nothing. i feel nothing

the netherlands - these ladies are beautiful AND SING HARMONIES?? the parts of the song when there’s just that nice beat and these angelic voices it’s great, but, i never thought i’d say something like this, get the electric guitar out of there. and that weird beat thingy that went into the bridge.. ugh, let the ladies sing goddammit!!

serbia - i feel very little again. i like the latter-middle part. i’m a slut for violins

ireland - this song felt very westlife-y to me at first. this guy’s voice is so androgynous, i’m intrigued. this is also a song that has grown on me immensely. the last minute is absolutely beautiful. i think this has become one of my minor faves as of late

russia -  i know they’re not competing this year, but i thought i’d say some words at least. the song is nothing special, but it’s an okay song in the end

belarus - it’s basically mumford & sons, but sang by a man and a woman, in belarusian. what’s not to love? another fave.

bulgaria - guys, this guy is a 2000′s kid 2000′s kids can compete now... ya feel old yet, ‘cuz i sure do. ah, the song. i like this song, another one that has grown on me a lot. and as i mention earlier, i’m a slut for pretty much any string instrument. and this child sings very beautifully. and the sound is just up my alley

san marino - i’m sorry valentina, i couldn’t care less

switzerland - the song in itself is good, but as i’m watching the video all i do is stare as this beautiful lady, and so are everyone else. it becomes more about the lead singer than the song. YEAH THAT SHOT WAS DEFINITELY DIRECTED AT HER CLEAVAGE. stop. i’m trying to listen to a gooood sooong

norway - i’m sorry norway, no. why? your’e better than this!! i’m not mad, i’m just disappointed

estonia - estonia have sent some pretty good songs these past years, and while this did get better since the last time i listened to it, i’m still a little disappointed. anyone who sings about romeo and juliet will be a little scary to me...

croatia - he’s singing a duet with himself, which i must admit is pretty impressive, but i think this sound like a youtuber singing disney-songs while doing impressions... especially then he sings ‘let it flow’...

lithuania - this song scares me. i know she’s singing in english, but i can’t understan a word she’s saying. one positive thing tho , to me as a finn, is that she looks a lot like little my. the song? i do not like the song.

ukraine - they sound a little like the old linkin park, and that is GREAT. this kinda music is right up my alley. again, only positive things

united kingdom - song is meh, lucie sings sooo welll, she deserves better

france - i don’t want to be that person, but french is very ~seductive~ my humble, finnish, peasant ears. this whole tune is very ~seductive~ to me. i just wish she’d sing it all in french, and not drag that english into this. it just feels wrong, so wrong.. if it was all in french, then yes yes yes, but rn it’s a yes yes no

spain - no. creepy. slimy. take it away from me. but first, i’d like to ask this creepy gentleman if he knows any other english than “do it for your lover”? i cannot stans this song. id rather listen to swedens song tbh, and ya know how much i hated that song

germany - how do they have the ball to send a song that is such blatant plagiarism of ‘titanium’?? i can’t hear anything else that that. this song is ‘titanium’, if you took all the good stuff out of it

italy - this is my absolute fave. i will vote for this. it’s a good song, a beautiful man singing beautifully in italian, it’s full of irony, there’s a guy in a gorilla suit, the guitar at the end sound like old coldplay. i just love everything about this. i have nothing to complain about really. just that if this doesn’t win, i don’t know what i’ll do.

and that is it. i hope i didn’t miss anyone... it took me about 3 hours to write. i think i’m satisfied. i hope someone reads this, or at least bits of it...

the quality of the eurovison songs have gotten a little even imo. a few years ago, there were still a few great songs and the rest were kinda shitty, but now most of the songs are equally good/bad, with a few exceptions. it’s both fun and a bit sad tbh. but, i shouldn’t complain. the eurovision is still eurovison: it’s great fun and an excuse for me to be really over the top with everything.

happy eurovision season, // élin

[ratmonologue]

you knew it was coming aLL OF THEM

*darth vader voice* NOOOOOOOOO

1. Favorite action film? Does Raiders of the Lost Ark count as action? If so that2. What movie(s) could you watch over and over and not get tired of? JURASSIC PARK I’ve watched it about a trillion times by now and the soundtrack’s been stuck in my head for like a month straight and even now I’m kinda like “hey I should watch it YET AGAIN”3. Any old school favorites (pre-70s)? I don’t even remember how many pre-70s movies I’ve seen I’m so sorry Belle I know I’m a disappointment to you4. Top 5 directors? Idek if I can name five directors lmao5. Favorite dead actor/actress? Alan Rickman was pretty great

6. Favorite movie from the 90’s? JURASSIC PARK (apologies in advance for how many times I’m going to answer that)7. Ever been/are you such a hardcore fan of an actor actress you watched/will watch any movie they were/will be in? I tried with Harrison Ford a few years back. Watched a handful of movies but didn’t even come close to all of his. I watched a bunch of things solely because Richard Armitage was in them. And as soon I find Diego Luna’s spanish movies with subtitles I’m watching those8. What movie are you looking forward to coming out the most? THE LAST JEDI9. Pixar or Dreamworks? I like both but am not a diehard fan of either?10. Favorite animated movie? Disney’s Atlantis11. Favorite musical? …I’m gonna be controversial here and say the 2004 Phantom of the Opera movie because it was my introduction to the wonderful world of musicals in general so... Ooh or does Dr. Horrible count?12. Are you against book-to-movie adaptations? In theory I’m all for them. It’s just that in practice they’re rarely good.13. Your guilty pleasure movie(s)? The Outsiders. It’s not very good (like, at all) but everyone’s just so pretty (and now younger than me… yikes)14. Robin Williams or Eddie Murphy? Robin Williams15. Favorite chick flick? Legally Blonde and/or She’s The Man. I don’t really watch chick flicks so those are the only ones I can really think of16. Ever watched a movie just because you heard the effects were awesome? No17. Favorite indie film? I don’t even know honestly18. Favorite movie heroine? Princess Leia, Marion Ravenwood, probably others that I can’t think of rn19. Favorite movie action hero? Indiana Jones obviously20. Ever read a book so you could understand the movie? Not to understand the movie, no, but I’ve read books after seeing the movie because I enjoyed it and wanted to know more, because movies always leave things out.21. Favorite kids movie? Atlantis, Mulan, why is my brain malfunctioning there are many more…. OH and I loved the first two Ice Age movies22. Favorite Disney movie? see previous question23. Favorite movie soundtrack? JURASSIC PARK. Also the Lord of the Rings trilogy24. Movie that makes you cry every time? Serenity, Rogue One, and LotR: Return of the King25. VHS, DVD, or Blu-ray? We only have a DVD player out of those so26. Best experience going to the movies? I have two. One was when my friend Nicole and I went to the opening night of the first Hobbit movie, and while the movie itself was… kind of a disappointment, to put it mildly, we had a great time poking sleep-deprived fun at it and attempting to sing Thorin’s ridiculous bass notes (I was sick so I could actually kind of do it). The other was Rogue One; I was… not in the best emotional state going into that, or coming out of it for that matter (can I really call it a “best” experience if I sobbed my way through the last 40 minutes? discuss) but at the same time you know how when a movie or character comes along at the exact right moment in your life? Yeah. That.27. Top 5 actors? Currently Harrison Ford, Richard Armitage, Diego Luna, Nathan Fillion, Hugh Laurie28. Top 5 actresses? (It’s a testament to the fact that most movies are very gender-imbalanced that I’m having a much harder time thinking of actresses than actors) Daisy Ridley, Catherine Tate, Carrie Fisher, Lauren Lopez, Kate Winslet?29. Movie you completely regret seeing? Trainspotting was… strange. And very very TMI. There was also this German movie about a restaurant owner’s misadventures that was just no get this away from me this is cringey and gross and also just utter nonsense. I think I liveblogged it on the OT actually. I had to keep pausing and watching it in small chunks because I just couldn’t handle the terribleness all at once.30. Movie you wish was never made? That German movie. Most sequels and remakes (none of the German movie exist though, thank god).31. Movie your parent showed you? My mom showed us The Great Race, a 60s comedy about an automobile race (I’m imagining that in Tony Curtis’s voice, heh) around the world, and it’s wacko and completely amazing. On the other side of the coin, my dad let me watch Bladerunner when I was way too young for it…32. Last movie you watched? Probably Rogue One33. An overrated movie? Groundhog Day. It was so stupid34. An underrated movie? Atlantis. It’s one of the least-well-known Disney movies, which is crazy because it’s completely amazing35. Favorite comedy movie? SPACEBALLS36. Movie quote you live by? Now I’m just thinking of Spaceballs quotes. None of those are particularly good life advice…37. Movie quote that will always make you laugh? The “everything that happens now, is happening now” “go back to then!” “when? now?” “now!” “I can’t” “why” “we missed it” “when” “just now.” “……when will then be now?” “SOON.” exchange from Spaceballs is PURE GOLD38. Film(s) you’ve watched on a date? Jurassic World. The movie sucked, but the date was fun. There was also one about a recovering heroin addict and his pet cat, which I should have taken as a sign that the dude I was with was not a good match for me. There were also plenty of movie/tv-show ‘dates’ outside of movie theaters.39. Favorite cult film? I don’t think it’s well-known enough to count as a cult film as such but it was on Mystery Science Theater 3000, so…. Teenagers From Outer Space, made in the fifties on an approximately $20 budget with no actual teenage actors. It’s…. it’s an experience in so-bad-it’s-good-ness. Cannot recommend highly enough.40. Directors you’d like to see work together? I don’t pay attention to these things I’m sorry I don’t know41. Actors you’d like to see work together? Everyone from the BBC already has worked together42. Films you wanted to watch, but never got around to watching? Pretty much any so-called classic film you can think of43. Favorite teen movie? It was more elementary school than teen, but The Lizzie McGuire Movie was pretty iconic. (Also I’ve seen a grand total of, like, three “teen movies” so)44. Top 5 favorite films? Raiders of the Lost Ark, Jurassic Park, LotR: Return of the King, can I count the entire Star Wars series as one, and Spaceballs. Such a wide repertoire I know45. Favorite superhero film? Uh….. Thor? Maybe….? That’s solely because of Hemsworth’s and Hiddleston’s faces though. Maybe Guardians of the Galaxy?46. Favorite cop film? The Fugitive isn’t a cop movie but Tommy Lee Jones was a great cop in it so that? (I can’t even think of any cop movies I’m sorry)47. Favorite road trip film? The Great Race, simply because it’s also the only one I can think of48. A disappointing film from your favorite actor? Diego Luna was not exactly a main character in Elysium but I still watched it solely because of him and then his extremely underdeveloped character was killed off halfway through to motivate Matt Damon and basically that movie was a dumpster fire. But, like, a really boring dumpster fire. I think I’d rather watch a literal dumpster fire, actually….49. A disappointing film from your favorite director? I wouldn’t say Peter Jackson is my favorite director my any means, but LotR was amazing and then The Hobbit movies happened and just… why…… why would you do this…..50. The first movie you ever remember watching in theaters? I don’t remember. Maybe one of the Ice Age movies?51. A movie that was better than the book? I wouldn’t say Jurassic Park was better than the book because it left out so much cool stuff, but I did actually like many of the changes they made. And I also saw it before reading the book so that probably helped my opinion of it quite a bit.52. Vin Diesel or Bruce Willis? Vin Diesel was the Iron Giant and Groot so him53. A movie that not many have heard of that you’ve seen? Nobody I know has heard of Teenagers From Outer Space. (How did I hear of it, you might ask? It was on tv at three in the morning and I was really really bored that night)54. A movie that changed the way you view the world? The LotR trilogy certainly changed the way I view New Zealand. I wanna go there.55. Favorite sci-fi movie? I know Star Wars is more space opera than actual sci-fi but I’m answering that anyway.56. Movie you completely nerd-out over every time it’s mentioned? Really any of my faves57. Movie that you’ve seen all the behind-the-scenes action for? Not all because there’s so damn much of it, but I’ve definitely watched a majority of the LotR behind the scenes stuff.58. Movie where your favorite actor was the only good part? Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights was absolutely AWFUL and I enjoyed it immensely, because tiny Diego Luna dancing and being otherwise adorable. That being said he was the only one that knew remotely what acting even was and the parts when he wasn’t onscreen were just… really bad. The script was also awful, but at least it was unpredictable (because it made no sense). At least it was the entertaining kind of dumpster fire.59. Movie from an actor you hate that was better than you expected? First I need to think of an actor I hate….60. Most visually stunning movie you’ve seen? LotR was just beginning-to-end scenery porn.61. A movie your parents introduced you to? Didn’t I already answer this62. Favorite genre? “Soft” sci-fi and/or space opera is usually a good bet. Alternately, anything at all involving archaeology. And if you combine them I’ll love you forever.63. Least favorite genre? Romance. I’d like an actual plot, please64. Comedy movie that you didn’t find funny? Most of the ones I’ve seen tbh65. Horror movie that didn’t scare you? Also most of them, but I rarely watch horror66. Favorite remake of an old movie? I can’t actually think of any where I’ve seen both the original and the remake67. A movie that started a passion for you? Jurassic Park. My dinosaur phase lasted into high school….68. A movie that sparked an interesting conversation? Also most of my faves. Though whether those conversations were interesting for the other person too remains up for debate.69. The main movie you remember from your childhood? Star Wars: A New Hope70. The first movie you saw on it’s opening night? The first Hobbit movie71. A move that made you ache for love. ? Is this asking for a movie that hurt because I loved it so much, or a movie that made me want to find love in my real life, or…? (I guess Rogue One for both? It was painful af and I really want a Cassian, so)

[newhologram]

My friend sent this to me and it’s so spot on it hurts. 

Nobody is “normal.”

Everyone is unique.

That said, long-term illness can change a person; it can change your mind, your emotions, your perspective, your way of thinking… (to say nothing of your body).

And the places in your mind that change can be impossible to perceive; what is caused by the physical (hey come on, literal viruses and bacteria in our brains) or the changes that come from long-term isolation, suffering, frustration, loneliness, abandonment, hopelessness…. (trust me, even with the deepest introspection, lines are blurry).

So when you are in this bubble of misery and feeling desperate, many of us reach that crossroad decision of whether to reach out publicly or not. Now, some do so all the time and some seldom do so. I want to share with you, the healthy person, the “normal” person, what may be going on in our heads and where the need to reach out comes from. Because to you, (sometimes frequent) posts regarding how someone is feeling physically and mentally can come off as:

Desperate

Attention-getting

Overly dramatic

Whiny

Ungrateful

Lacking faith

Hypochondriac

Lacking strength

Emotionally unstable

Or “_____” fill in the blank

And honestly maybe some people with chronic illness are. But I am asking you to consider grace, and here is why:

Imagine you are living a fairly normal active life; you work, you socialize with friends a few times a week, maybe you are also busy with kids. You do stuff! You go out to movies, you eat out at restaurants, you meet friends for coffee, you have a lot of human interaction at work, you sometimes take day trips or mini vacations, and your life may not be perfect or exciting, but it is full.

One day your body starts to betray you. Suddenly all the daily things that were no big deal become as hard as lifting heavy boulders. Your entire body is tired, tired to the point it feels like you have lead in your veins. You swear Earth’s gravity just dialed it up a notch as you struggle to go up the same staircase you have been bounding up the last five years.

You start sleeping a lot more, so much more that you start to feel guilt over your “laziness.” Even after a full night’s sleep your body starts to shut down in the middle of the day and you need to nap. The thing is all this extra sleep doesn’t help and you are just as tired and fatigued when you wake up in the morning as the night before. Even worse, you feel hungover, even without alcohol: toxic, heavy, foggy, headache, basically like sludge.

So of course you pump yourself full of caffeine because you have a life and things to do… only the caffeine is a quick fix that doesn’t last, so you have more. After a few cycles of this you start to blow out your adrenals, and things get worse…. You start to feel like you are letting the people in your life down as you can’t be there for them in the capacity you were only a short while ago. Oh, and did I mention the pain? You are dealing with pain that has no business in your body at your age! You feel old and achy. Joints and tendons, muscles and tissues that you never even “felt” at all before, are making their presence known by infusing non-stop pain.

Along with all of this (and a myriad of other symptoms I could mention) is the fact that your mind and your thinking are as foggy as your body. You know that feeling when it’s past your bedtime and you feel your brain trying to shut down for the night? How everything becomes difficult if you are fighting sleep? Trying to just finish that chapter, watch the last 10 minutes of that movie as your brain wants to sleep… Now it feels like that all the time, all hours of the day as your brain is constantly trying to go down as you are trying to get it to go up. Every waking moment is a battle.

Normal conversations become difficult because it feels like you are fighting through fog to both process what you are hearing while trying to formulate the appropriate response. You never knew until now that it actually takes energy to communicate and be with people. You frustrate yourself as word recollection fails you and you can’t seem to formulate articulate conversation.

As time goes on all this takes a toll and you start saying no to things. The energy it takes even to get ready, drive places, prepare for things… becomes too much, and you start having to pick and choose what you are able to do in a day, or even in a week or month as things get worse.

You start realizing that every activity also requires recovery time, and one afternoon out may mean you need two days in bed afterward.

Your world grows smaller.

As time goes on mentally and emotionally you for through all kinds of cycles that can be up and down and all around. These can swing extremely even over the course of one day from crying to anger to apathy.

At first all the people in your life are supportive, but as time goes on and you don’t get better, and you have seen this specialist, and that specialist and tried every suggestion of every caring friend from acupuncture, to massage, to “this amazing doctor that helped my friend who had the same problem!” you have read every article ever sent to you on any condition that even sounds similar, you have done crazy alternative things you would never have thought you would ever try… But slowly friends start to drop away, check in less and less, and stop inviting you to things because they know you will just say “no.”

Life moves on without you and as the years go by your world gets smaller and smaller and smaller until you find you are alone most of the time.

You probably at this point have little to no money because it’s been spent trying to figure out what’s wrong with you and/or trying to get better. You also probably either can only work very little or not at all, and if you can work it drains you so much you have nothing left for any semblance of a life.

Remember when I mentioned the muddled place of your mind and your emotions caused by both the physical and psychological? This is where you are now. You may feel desperate and sad and lonely. Since you don’t see people in person so much anymore you might reach out to your friends online; both your real-world friends and your friends who you met in chronic illness forums and such.

So I am speaking to you, “normal” person, who I love and admire. When you see this chronically ill person prolifically posting, “wanting attention,” talking about what they are going through very publicly, and (sometimes) going into TMI territory… know that this did not happen overnight. This is the same person you know and love and they are beyond desperate to be the person they once were.

They may post because:

They want fellowship,

They want friendship,

They want to both hear and be heard,

They need a sounding block,

They want to feel normal,

They don’t want to disappear and be forgotten,

They want to have a glimpse of normalcy and online may be all they have,

They don’t see people much face-to-face so “Face”-book is their life.

Hear me now as I write this for my sick brothers and sisters: Everyone needs people! When you are sick and isolated, online is your people!

I don’t believe we are grand-standers or attention getters (at least not most of us). I think we are people just like you whose lives have changed and been shaped by illness and circumstances. All we want is to be normal and healthy. We may covet the little things that most people take for granted, even just taking a walk on a sunny day.

One more thing I want you to know: Worry about the chronically ill people who don’t post and instead stay quiet. They may be experiencing everything the communicators are but internalizing their pain versus reaching out.

It’s about having an outlet, versus internalizing everything. Isolation, versus reaching out. Honesty, versus putting on a happy face. I have seen too many of the “quiet one’s” obituaries online. Please also know the anxiety a person may go through on what to post and what not to post. It is so hard to judge because (especially) on a bad day, perspectives may be askew… and the reactions from people can also vary greatly.

You get the positive feedback from the chronic illness community: “Thank you so much for sharing, I am not alone.” “So glad to hear another person’s perspective.” “Thank you for being honest and blazing a trail for others that will come behind you.” This community supports you and your difficulties as you support them. And this is a safe and honest place to be raw and real in your times of pain.

But, you also may get the negative reactions of people who think you’re a drama queen, or are sick of hearing about your pain, or… (see list at beginning of post). So you may get the negative feedback, or the stony silence of family members, or the snubs and shuns of people who used to support you.

In closing: why am I posting this? I will tell you it’s not for attention or sympathy. I want to give a voice to the silent struggling ones. I want to advocate for those whose families don’t believe them. I want to open a window into a world (I hope and pray) you will never experience so that you can have a better understanding of your sick friend or family member. So consider grace and understanding first when encountering someone who has been struggling for a long time. We have so much to learn from each other.

[hopefulminty]

So, this post exists due to the perfect storm of insomnia, randomly realizing that I had posted on here 99 times (and should therefore do something different for the 100th post), and several of the topics covered below coming up in real life.

In other words, here is an author interview with myself.

Yes, that’s right. I’m actually asking myself a bunch of questions, answering them/TMI-ing all over the place, and posting the results on here.

Insomnia really does make me do weird things... 

Why are you called hopefulminty?

 My username comes from two usernames that I’ve used in the past. The hopeful part’s been around since I was in middle school. Two of my friends and I decided to dress up as hippies for Halloween one year. We called ourselves Faith, Charity, and Hope. I started using variations of the word ‘hope’ for various sites after that. The minty part started when I was in high school. I wasn’t feeling the name ‘hope’ one day, so I looked around the room until my eyes landed on a pack of gum. I said the word ‘minty’ out loud and the rest is history. I will answer online to Hope, Minty, or now Hopefulminty. Any of those are fine.

Who are you?

I don’t like to give out specifics about myself that I feel could be used to identify me. That’s one of the things that was drilled into my head when I was young and actually stuck, so I don’t use my real name online, give my location, etc, etc. (Though I do share stories online that are kind of unique, but I don’t think they could be used to identify me unless you happen to live in this area/know people I know.)

Basically, I’m female, American (east coast, that’s as specific as I’m going to be), somewhere on the ace/demi spectrum, and old enough that I think I’m pretty much a senior citizen in the DEH fandom.

Old enough that when I saw Alex Boniello’s tweet about having shirts that are older than Andrew Feldman, I very quickly thought about my wardrobe, did the math, and laughed because I have at least two t-shirts that I’ve had since I was in elementary school that actually are older than the child who is going to be playing Evan next.

Does that weird you out?

A little bit, but not really. It would if I actually pictured any of the actors while I’m writing. When I do visualize the characters, I picture the versions that solely exist in my head now and don’t particularly resemble anyone who has played the parts.

I will say that I hope for his sake that he’s more emotionally/mentally mature than I was at sixteen. I know there’s no way I could’ve handled being the lead in a popular Broadway show, even if I’d had the talent to pull it off.

Actually, I don’t think I could handle that now. I’d hate the attention and would probably crumble under the pressure.

Is it weird being an older fan?

Again, kind of, but not really. I’ve been in and out of different fandoms since I was old enough to know that they existed. (Eleven, I think?) There’ve been times when I’ve been really active, times when I’ve been a lurker, times when I’ve been on the outskirts and only occasionally popped into something. (Kind of like I am now with DEH, I think.)

I was pretty active in various Harry Potter RPGs when I was in high school. There were players of all different ages in those. The youngest ones were teens, like myself. The oldest players were in their 60s. I thought that was kind of awesome at the time and actually still do.

Should younger fans be wary of older fans?

This is one of the topics that have come up in my real life recently. My sister-in-law found out that my nephew’s on some kind of gaming board and has online friends who are significantly older than him.

I told her that from my experience I’d say it’s not someone’s age you have to be worried about, not if that’s literally the only thing making you pause. It’s not that people hit a certain age and automatically turn into creepers who should be pushed out of fandoms and not allowed to interact with younger fans at all.

Growing up, all my real life friends were super into various fandoms. We were always dragging each other to things and driving each other crazy by going on about our latest obsessions.

A lot of them have given up that part of their lives now. In some cases, they’ve moved on because they’ve had to, because things like work and school and ensuring that their basic needs are met are more important than writing fan fic and venting about annoying plot holes. In other cases, they’ve stopped because they feel like they should stop, because they feel like they’re too old for things they now see as childish.

Do they have a point? Possibly. I don’t really care enough to worry about that though.

I’d say as a general recommendation to fans of all ages, just be smart and safe and trust your instincts. Avoid people and situations that make you uncomfortable and report ones you think might be dangerous.

How long have you been writing?

Pretty much since I learned how to write. I’ve always liked making up stories. My dad loves to tell the story of how he realized that I have a vivid imagination. He says I was about three or four years old and had spent the entire day scouring the house for toys. I’m the Surprise Kid in my family (meaning that my siblings are all older and were totally out of the house by the time I was five), so there were a lot of random toys around when I was growing up.

After hearing me drag things down to the basement all day, my dad finally decided he should go see what I was up to. He went down there and (according to him) there were hundreds of dolls, stuffed animals, and action figures all over the place, arranged in what he could instantly tell was some kind of complicated pattern. He asked me what I was doing and I then proceeded to spend the next ninety minutes (again, according to him, so probably an exaggeration) telling him all about the crazy complicated world I’d created where each toy had a name, a family, and multiple friends/rivals.

When my mom got home that night, he told her they had to be careful because they were raising a creative child.

How long have you been writing fan fic?

Since middle school. The first fic I can remember writing was for the show JAG (another side effect of being the Surprise Kid, you spend a lot of time watching tv with your parents). It was terrible and I didn’t post it anywhere. (It was actually purposely terrible because I was annoyed about having to watch that show all the time.)

The first fics that I posted were about Harry Potter. I also posted a couple Buffy stories when I was in high school.

I haven’t posted a lot of stories because I have a really bad habit of abandoning things that I’m working on. So, I only post something if it’s done or I’m reasonably certain that I’m going to see it through until the end.

Where can your old stories be found?

Nowhere.

Nowhere online, that is. They’re possibly still on my old computer that’s now in my parents’ basement.

I took down everything I’d posted when I was a teenager years ago. I reached a point where I hated knowing that the stories were out there and made them disappear.

Though, actually, there may be an X-Files story out there somewhere that I co-wrote with my best friend when we were fourteen.

But probably not because I think she did a similar purge when we finished high school.

Which Hogwarts House are you in?

I’m a Huffleclaw/Ravenpuff. At eleven, I would’ve been sorted into Ravenclaw. Nowadays, I feel like I’m a combination of the two.

Which Harry Potter do you relate to the most?

Luna. Definitely Luna. Though, my best friend says I’m a really weird combination of Luna and Hermione.

How did you realize you’re asexual?

This is another topic that came up in real life recently because my friend’s cousin thinks she might be ace.

It’s also something I’ve talked about a lot because it’s pretty much the only high school story I have that I think could be a subplot in a YA movie/book. The character based on me would be the baby ace who was sort of mentored by the lead lesbian couple for a couple weeks.

I started feeling like I was different from my friends when I was in fourth grade. I didn’t get it at all when they started going on about having crushes and wanting boyfriends. Everyone told me that would change as I got older, but it never did.

By middle school, people started telling me that I must be gay since I didn’t have any interest in boys. Part of me could see their point, but I didn’t have any interest in girls either and, as far as I could tell, that was a pretty significant part of being gay.

In eighth grade, I went to the mall with two of my friends and we ended up sitting in the food court and people-watching. My one friend elbowed me, pointed to a boy our age, and asked if I thought he was cute. My response (which has become friend group legend, so this is exact) was, “Well, he doesn’t have any visible warts, so maybe?”

My other friend (who was proudly bisexual) then pointed to a girl sitting across from us and asked the same question. I stared at her for a minute before saying that I wondered what conditioner she used because her hair was so shiny.

My friends shook their heads at me and asked if that was really all I was thinking. They touched my arms and assured me they’d still love me if I was gay. 

Which was nice to hear and part of me wished that I thought I was gay because then I’d be something. The problem was that I really didn’t get how people developed crushes on other people. I didn’t get the idea of looking at someone and thinking they were attractive. I didn’t get the idea of wanting to be physical with another person. None of those things made sense to me at all.

The following year, I started going to a really conservative Christian high school. I mean, really conservative. Almost every teacher I had there mentioned at least once that we were doing God’s work when we voted for Republicans.

(In case you’re wondering, no, I wasn’t sent there as a form of punishment. The story of how I ended up there is really long/boring. Just know that my family doesn’t believe the majority of the things I was taught there.)

So, a few things about me:

1.      I’m a really socially/generally anxious, awkward, introverted person. I never shut up around my family and friends, but put me in a room of strangers and I freeze. This was especially true when I was a teenager. (I can almost appear to be “normal” now...)

2.      I’ve had the same basic friend group since elementary school, but none of them went to high school with me. So, I spent four years as an outsider. The tv episode I relate to the most is the episode of Gilmore Girls where Rory was called into the guidance counselor’s office because she liked to eat lunch by herself. That was me. Multiple times. Many, many times. They finally gave up when my mom told them that I had friends outside of school and that I come from a large, close-knit family (I have over 30 cousins, for starters) and I liked spending my lunches alone because they gave me a chance to recharge my internal battery.

3.      I’m pretty much the most non-confrontational person you’ll ever meet. I hate arguing with people and I hate being put on the spot, especially when I feel like I don’t have any allies. I’m so non-confrontational that I wouldn’t correct people when they mispronounced my name when I was a teenager. Which happened a lot because I have a pretty unique real name. I’m slightly better about that now. These days, I’ll correct someone once and then let it slide if they keep saying my name wrong. Unless I know they’re going to become a regular part of my life, then I go through the whole ‘let’s say it together’ thing until they get it right.

4.      I’m also the most “quietly stubborn” person you’ll ever meet. Pretty much everyone I know has called me that at least once. If I’m talking to someone about something that matters to me and I’m convinced I’m right, I will not back down no matter what. Which is the exact opposite of how I am 99% of the time. Usually, I’ll at the very least acknowledge that the other person has a point and try to change subjects. 

So, the point of all that is to show how it was a pretty big deal when I started speaking up in school about things I didn’t agree with. I spoke up when a teacher told the class that women were put on the earth to serve men. I spoke up when another teacher told us that Jewish people go to hell. And I spoke up when a teacher told us that it is impossible for gay people to go to heaven, but it is possible for serial killers to get in.

(The logic for that one being that gay people will never repent because they don’t think what they’re doing is wrong, but it’s possible for serial killers to eventually become remorseful and repent their sins.)

My fairly passionate, but extremely awkward, defense of gay people led my classmates to decide that I must be gay. Which soon meant that the entire school thought I must be gay.

This happened a few weeks before the end of my junior year. Up until that point, I’d managed to fly under the radar for the most part. People who were considered “different” really stood out at my school. Everyone knew who the seven Jewish kids were. Everyone knew which kids liked reading/watching fantasy books/movies because the teachers always cautioned them that things like Harry Potter could lead you astray. (I was in that group, but I was quiet about it. The worst thing that happened to me was that my Spanish teacher said she’d pray for me when she saw I was reading one of the Anita Blake books.)

And everyone knew the lesbian couple. Because there was only one. Because there were only two students in the entire school who were publicly out.

Even I knew who they were, which was semi-surprising because they were seniors and I spent most of my time outside class with my head down, my earbuds in, and my nose stuck in a book.

So, anyway, it didn’t take long for everyone to decide that I was our school’s third lesbian. People started coming up to me and saying they’d pray for me. The first time that happened, I blinked and, without thinking about it, told the girl I’d pray for her too. That seemed to annoy her, so that became my go-to response whenever someone approached me.

At the end of the day, a girl who was considered one of the school’s spiritual leaders asked me if I was sure I was gay because I seemed so nice. I started to say that I wasn’t, but stopped myself when the girl’s friend laughed and said that even I knew how shameful it was to be gay, that I’d just argued with the teacher because I wanted attention.

Which caused a dilemma for me. My sixteen-year-old, panicked, stressed out brain could only see two possible options. I could either pretend to be something that I was fairly certain I wasn’t or I could let those girls go around telling everyone that I, the great defender of gays, knew deep down that being gay was wrong.

So, I stammered that I hadn’t understood their question at first and that yeah, I really was gay.

I spent the next few days avoiding people as much as possible. I started waiting inside for my mom to pick me up at the end of the day instead of going outside with everyone else. On my third day of doing that, the lesbian couple approached me and asked if I knew who they were. I said I did and they said they’d heard I was having a rough week. 

They then asked me a series of questions. Some subtle, some direct. At the end of their interrogation, they exchanged a look and one of them said, “Oh, so you’re asexual then.”

Which is how I learned that asexuality is a thing. I went home and read up on it and was surprised to realize that there actually was a name for what I was. It was really exciting.

Sorry to disappoint, but the lesbians didn’t become my new best friends after that. They only had two more weeks of school at that point and we weren’t in any of the same classes. We didn’t even have the same lunch period. They always made it a point to say hi to me in the hall though and I think I’m still Facebook friends with them.

One day, about a week after they approached me, one of them came running up to me between classes to tell me that her girlfriend had done something stupid. 

Her girlfriend had told a guy who was being obnoxious that they had pulled me into their relationship and we were having all kinds of threesomes.

I didn’t know what to say to that. I think I turned a million shades of red and stuttered uncontrollably for a minute or two. I finally told her that I was okay with that. I said they could say whatever they wanted as long as they didn’t actually expect me to do any of the things they claimed I was doing.

That comment made her grin and say, “Spoken like a true asexual.”

Do you think asexual writers should be allowed to write about characters who aren’t asexual?

This is another question that came up recently. My least favorite brother-in-law loves to say he’s playing devil’s advocate before asking people really annoying/terrible questions. He asked me this one at Thanksgiving this year.

My response was simply that it’s stupid to try to tell people they can only write about characters like themselves. That doing that would make the entire fantasy genre go away and, hopefully, there wouldn’t be any novels about murderers.

Writers like to make up stories and develop characters and relationships. They try to put themselves in their character’s heads and express how they’re feeling.

For me, that sometimes means drawing from my own experiences, sometimes it means thinking about things I’ve seen/heard, and sometimes it means using my imagination to come up with a character’s reaction.

Am I successful at portraying romantic relationships? I really have no idea. I walked away when he asked me that because I’m the absolute worst judge of my own stories. I have a like/hate (never love/hate) relationship with everything I write. I’ll just say that I don’t think being on the ace spectrum should stop me from writing the stories I want to write.

How did you get into DEH?

Another side effect of being the Surprise Kid is that it gives your parents a lot of opportunities to teach you about their interests. My dad managed to get me into British tv shows and my mom successfully managed to pass her love of musicals onto me, though, for her, that love does not extend to DEH. She can’t stand the music from that show.

I got into it when I decided to watch clips from the Tonys on YouTube. I was blown away by ‘Waving Through a Window’ because that song seriously would’ve been my personal theme song if it had come out when I was in high school. So, naturally, I had to find out more about the show. 

I haven’t seen it live, but I have read the script and watched a bootleg. That got me into it enough that I started coming up with stories I wanted to write.

Which character do you relate to the most?

Evan, definitely. I was definitely the awkward, anxious kid in high school. I don’t think I would’ve ended up in the mess he did though...

Do you relate to any of your OCs?

Aunt Jamie is sort of like me, but I wouldn’t say she’s an author insert. I’m the youngest aunt in my family. (I don’t think any of my nieces/nephews think I’m particularly cool though.) I don’t like to be touched/hugged and usually pat people on the arm as a way of saying ‘hey I like you, you’re okay.’

The story about her suicide attempt in Sincerely, E is definitely not my story. I’m lucky enough to be able to say that I’ve never actually tried to kill myself.

Her story about being unpopular/having people make fun of her weight was sort of an exaggeration of mine. Again, I was lucky enough not to have it nearly as bad as she did.

What do you like about Evan/Connor?

I like putting them together because they’re both characters who desperately need someone who understands them. They’re alike in a lot of ways, but different in ways that make them fun to write. I like their relationship dynamic and the ways I make them interact.

Why do you keep writing Zoe/Jared?

I’ve come to see Zoe/Jared as my bastard ship. They’re the ship that I never plan to write, but somehow keep writing.

With Evan and Connor, I always think about how they’re going to get together this time, which tropes I plan to include, etc., etc.

With Zoe and Jared, I literally reach a point in the story where I blink at the screen and go ‘okay, so this is happening again...’

That said, I have come to like my bastard ship. They’re also fun to write.

Are they going to get together in BNK?

I don’t have any current plans to put them together. Which means probably.

Do you hate Zoe/Alana?

Not at all. I have no problem with the idea of them. I have no problem with giving Zoe a girlfriend or Jared a boyfriend. I also have no problem with letting characters stay single (which, to me, is a much more realistic portrayal of the high school experience).

Part of the problem with doing my weird blinders on, tunnel vision writing thing is that I haven’t really read other DEH stories. I didn’t realize Zoe/Alana was a thing until I started looking at summaries of other fics after I finished Sincerely, E.

I’ve briefly considered putting them together each time I start a new story, but now there’s the Tracy situation. And I do like Alana/Tracy. And somehow Zoe/Jared sneaks up on me every time.

So, you really don’t read other DEH stories?

I’ve tried to a couple times. I’ve even downloaded some of the completed ones to my Kindle in case I ever feel the need to read them when I’m out somewhere.

It just becomes a case of character overload for me if I try to read other people’s interpretations of the characters while I’m writing mine.

This particular writing quirk of mine actually used to cause problems for me with my RL friends when I wasn’t the only one writing fics. They’d get mad at me when I’d say I couldn’t read their stories because they were writing for the same fandom that I was writing for.

They’d also get mad when I’d say I hadn’t read their comments. The comment thing is another writing quirk of mine. I try to avoid them until I’m totally finished with a story or, at the very least, close enough to being finished that the thought of looking at the comments doesn’t weird me out.

I’m not always totally successful at that because I also have a weird thing about notifications. Meaning that I can’t stand them. So, if I see there’s a comment, I’ll literally hold my hand up to try to block the screen while I mark it as read. Which doesn’t always work as well as I’d like.

I did try once again to read the comments before starting BNK. I think I even said in the author’s note at the beginning of the story that I’d been binge-reading them. Which ended up meaning that I sort of clicked through my inbox and read about five random comments... Someday, I really will look at them all...

All of that doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate comments/kudos though. It’s always amazing to see that people are reading and reacting to the things I write. I do check the stats page to see if the numbers are going up. If it ever became clear to me that absolutely no one was reading my stories anymore, then I’d stop posting them because I’d feel really awkward and wonder what’s the point of posting something that no one’s even bothering to open.

Are you going to keep writing DEH stories when you finish BNK?

Maybe? I don’t know at this point. I’m not even sure how much longer BNK will be. Judging from the length of my other stories, I’m probably around the halfway point and that currently sounds about right, given what I have planned.

I’ll keep writing about these characters as long as I have ideas for them and am having fun writing the stories. If I run out of ideas or writing these fics stops being fun and starts being a source of stress in my life, then I’ll stop.

Do you have any writing suggestions? How do you deal with writer’s block?

The best writing advice I can give is just to write. Write and then keep writing and then don’t stop writing.

I’ve often described myself over the years as a writer who doesn’t write. And that’s been the case many times for me.

I’ve been writing a ton this past year because the DEH characters have stuck with me and I keep coming up with weird ideas for them. Before that though, I’d gone at least a year without writing much of anything.

I write because I like writing and because it’s a major stress/anxiety reliever for me. I write because it entertains me and gives me something to focus on when I can’t sleep, which is pretty much every night. I often say that I feel like I get more done between 12 AM and 2 AM than some people do all day.

That said, I definitely struggle with writer’s block sometimes. The only thing that ever helps me with that is to walk away. Literally. I close my laptop and walk away from it. I make myself do something else. And then I keep making myself do other things until I’m either ready for bed or a solution to the problem I was struggling with pops into my head.

Almost every story-related idea that I’ve had has occurred to me while I’m doing something totally unrelated to my writing. While I’m not even thinking about it.

It’s really fun when that happens at work. I’ve had times where I’m on the phone, using my cheery customer service voice and being yelled at, and have suddenly come up with what I want Connor to say in the conversation that I was struggling with the night before. At least, I haven’t blurted out any random bits of dialogue yet...

Last question, since no online survey would be complete without this – dogs or cats? 

Guinea pigs. Though, personality-wise, I really would be such a crazy cat lady if I weren’t horribly allergic to them.