#I remember crying typing out a messy apology but everyone had already blocked me by then so what was the point

[moonamite]

if your wondering, the Kirby fandom’s a lot worse recently. People were talking about porn in the presence of minors and some people were defending the people doing that. Also, dddaio (shortened the actual username)is apparently abusive partner/friend

Honestly. I’m not surprised. Kirby fandoms all like 🩷✨🌹🌸 and everyone turns out to be toxic.

Man 13 yo me had it rough. Got groomed on steam, cancelled from kirblr, fell in love and got dumped. Lowkey was thinking about ending it then lmaoooo

[seraphdarlimg]

wish I were (pt4)

  harry calls reader drunk to pick him up, later on finding him sat at her piano and playing a little song

masterlist

‘heather’ by conan gray WARNINGS - ANGST, swearing, fluff WORD COUNT - 4,418

_________________________________________________________

   Just fine is how I was feeling. I was lucky enough to be able to get started straight away with a new song to work on from a different artist. Practicing new instruments and talking to new clients have been what I've thrown myself into for the past 3 weeks.

Though drowning myself into work has kept me busy and given me excuses to ignore the hundreds of calls and texts from Harry, it felt like months had pass instead of only one. I seem to forget more about them and only remember the look on his face when I turn my back on him and left. Instead of memorizing chords and words, my brain can only comprehend the words we said and the last time I felt his touch or embrace. When I want to remind myself of what he did, the moment on the balcony is the first thing that comes to my mind and I curse myself for it.

I missed him, of course I did. As I sit in front of my laptop with an opened tab on a recording program, I am instead met with another creator's block and thinking about Harry again. Two points of thought that I hate being stuck in at the moment. The empty bags and containers of snacks and my dinner surround me and I'm wrapped in a blanket while a sad playlist is playing on spotify. It was a depressing sight.

But I can only image the state that Harry's in. After everything, I still miss and care about him, wondering if he's excited about the album release tomorrow or if he's hydrated and taking the fact that I've chose to walk out of his life better than I am. It's pathetic really, but it's part of it and I can only hope to learn to live without him through time. If that is something I can even think of doing in the first place.

He hasn't called or text throughout the whole day though. I didn't want it to bother me but it did, even if it was time away that I'm asking for. I glanced at the black screen of my phone, pressing the button to turn it on. 12:23 AM and no notifications.

'i do love you, i'm sorry' one day ago. This is a good sign. This should be a good sign.

I sighed, forcing myself to turn away from my phone and focus on finishing this piece. The instrumentals are there and the rhythm is set, but coming up with lyrics prove to be difficult when I feel physically and emotionally drained.

It was late anyways. I would of been asleep by now to get ready for tomorrow, but it was most likely made clear I wouldn't be celebrating with the gang. I told Jeff the excuse that I had a meeting up north for the valid reason, even though everyone already knows what happened between the two best friends. A lunch with Sara and Mitch a week ago started off normal and pleasant as always, but had ended with Mitch bringing up Harry and me leaving abruptly.

"He's a mess. Hasn't left his house and has been ignoring everyone all week. We don't know what really happened between you two, but it's obvious that you haven't been the same as well."

The mention was enough to irk me. "Can we not right now?"

"Look even though we care about you, it's still non of our business to get involved. But it's still our jobs to see that when someone we care about is bothered by something, we make sure they are aware of it. Both of you aren't happy and should simply talk about it."

"It's not that simple Sara, he's too stubborn."

"It doesn't have to be now, but eventually. You yourself know that what you two have is way too special to just walk away from."

"Yeah well what if it's not? What if it's just not what everyone expects it to be? That even if we somehow make it work throughout everything, he's just going to run off to someone else again who'll just be better in so many ways."

"He's not the type of person to do that and you know it."

"I thought I did."

With my head rested on my hand, I feel my eyes droop. The instrumental of the song played on repeat on the program as I try to come up with words. Heartbreak and insecurities are the only topics that come to mind with the upbeat sound. I close my eyes for bit, letting the first stage of sleep take it's toll while my brain works overtime producing lines of rhymes.

But my ringtone drives me out of it. I only force my eyes open when I pick up my phone and answer the call, not thinking of who could be the only possible human being to call me at this hour. I sighed, pausing the recording and saving it. "Hello?"

"Hiiiii love! Karl told me I should call someone because I've had too much apparently. Can you please tell him that I'm a grown man that can handle my alcohol?" Shit.

"Harry- wait hold on, you're drunk now? Don't you have... who are you with?" My voice was tired and already raspy. It took longer than needed to process what was actually happening.

"Oh just all by my lonesome self at first... imagined you here a few times but I know that wasn't true, but Karl the bartender is here now!" His voice was muffled and almost drowned out by the sound of a pub. His words were slurred and I can only rub my temples at the situation he's already put me in.

"Why did you call me for this."

"Well my phone's dead and you're the number I memorized." He said softly after hearing my tone. I shouldn't, but he's drunk and alone.

"I'll call Mitch-"

"Only want you. Please?" I can imagine him pouting and I was too tired to argue with him.

"I can't do this right now..."  

"Bubs, my head is starting to hurt and everyone is not being nice. Except Karl, Karl is a nice dude."

Maybe if I wasn't overworked and sleep deprived at the moment, I would of been in the righter state of mind. But the other half of me that worried about his state took the opportunity to see him once again.

"Where are you, Harry?"

***

It was easy to find a drunk Harry Styles at a pub. A small local one that we've been too once or twice in the past, enjoying each other's company over a glass after studio hours. And there he was again, sat at the stools we'd sit on and wallowing to Karl the bartender.

"Hey." I placed a hand on his shoulder after making my way through the small crowd that gathered around him that's been listening into his conversation. His eyes light up when he turns around and sees me, while I take in how disheveled he looks. His curls are messy and his bloodshot baggy eyes tells me he's been crying for a while.

"You're here." He mutters softly after he takes a moment to register that it's actually me. I only give him a small nod in confirmation, feeling that heart ache as he pulls me into a hug. "I'm sorry." I hear when he nuzzles into my neck, most likely apologizing when he sees how tired and unwell i am as he does.

"It's okay, come on let's get you home." I managed to let out, pulling away, guiding him out of his seat and away from the bar. "Oh okay, bye Karl! Keep the change." I send the bartender a grateful smile to which he returns with a pity look on his face.

"Just hold my hand Harry okay?" I tell him when I remember how clingy he gets when intoxicated. He doesn't hesitate to do so as we make our way through the crowd and out of the building.

I managed to get him in the passenger's seat without much interaction, now in the driver's seat and cursing at myself when I realized I didn't have enough gas to take him to his house. I didn't have the energy to go to the gas station this late.

"Are you crying..." He asks, pouting when I placed my face in my hands, taking deep breaths. "Please don't be sad, love." I shook my head, counting in my head as I felt Harry lean over and watch me.

"How many did you have?" I asked when I built up the will not to cry and turned on the ignition.

"Didn't bother counting, didn't matter." I kept my eyes in front of me as I drove while I felt his still on me.

"I would beg to differ. Shouldn't be my responsibility anyways." I quickly countered, noting the sharp tone in my voice and the frown I could imagine on his face.

"I'm sorry...I really wanted to see you."

"Hmm, and getting wasted and being an inconvenience is the way to get my attention." There was a second of silence and I glanced at him to check if he was still conscious, only to see that frown and his head hung in shame. My eyes trailed to the pearl necklace tucked into his sweater, as well as a yellow ribbon tied where it clasps together.

The grip I had on the wheel loosened but I sighed as I hated how guilty I felt after, aware how difficult it was to be mad when he was hurt. "That was harsh..."

"Nooo, I deserve it. I really do because I was mean to you and I don't ever want to be mean to you. Because it hurts me too ya know? More than it did when you walked away...I'm sorry that I hurt you."

I didn't say anything after that, spending the rest of the car ride back to my place in silence.

***

"You don't have to be rich, to be my giiirl. You don't have to be cool to rule my wooorld..."

My annoyance conflicted with the flutters my heart was feeling as Harry was softly singing all the way from my car to my sofa, hand held and clinging to my side the whole time. He plopped down, immediately taking a pillow. "Ain't no particular sign, I'm more compatible wiiith- hey you have that record right? Can you put it on pretty please?"

"It's 2AM, I'm not putting on a record right now." I took off my shoes and coat, graciously doing the same for him when he pouts and rests his head back on the couch. "Aw, you used to not care about that before. Is it because of your neighbors terrible taste of music to blast so late at night?"

"What?" I rubbed my eyes, standing up and going to the kitchen. I couldn't hear his mumbled response, but I returned with a glass of water to see him humming with his eyes closed. He cuddled the pillow close to him and I rolled my eyes, almost laughing at how he was tapping his foot along with the song he was playing in his head.

"Here..." He holds his hand out expectantly and I gave it to him. He takes a drink while I place his coat over the coffee table and go to get him an extra pillow and blanket.

"Oh everything hurts." He whines as I place the pillow down on the end of the couch. "My heart mostly, but that's so cheesy of me isn't it? Yours probably hurts more m' sorry...wish I could take it away."

It wasn't just his naïve words that had my eyes start welling up with tears, but it was also the realization of how he can easily break me down. I couldn't last a whole month without being there when he needs someone, when I was the one who wanted to leave. It was also probably the realization that I had grabbed the same blanket we used to set that little picnic in the studio.

"Wish I didn't cause it in the first place." He added, which led to me sitting down on the chair next to the couch, holding onto the blanket a little longer as delirium was starting to set in.

"I don't think we should have this conversation now, Harry... this is so unfair." I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.

"It is, but I'm scared I won't get another chance." My silence gave him the answer he was already aware of.

"What exactly do you want another chance of Harry, enlighten me." I closed my eyes for a minute, only to open them to see Harry looking at me in a different way. It's different, but I've noticed it before.

"Loving you." He's hesitant with his next words, most likely having sobered up a little. "I hadn't seen Heather for a few days after you left, told her later on about what happened. Took your advice though, talked to her and everything. It just wouldn't work out in the end...couldn't see myself with her in the future."

"But now you do with me?" I softly muttered, holding myself back from reaching out to him. He only nods, having that guilty look on his face because he's fully aware he doesn't deserve it. My droopy eyes are glued to his and that damn pearl necklace, too many thoughts in my head to come up with one whole response.

"Should of just called Mitch. You're an idiot for giving yourself a hangover on your release day." I finally said after a moment of silence.

"Hmm? Oh that, no that's not happening." He says casually, playing with the embroidery on the pillow he was hugging.

"What do you mean?"

"I've postponed the album thingy indefinitely or something."

"Aren't you finished with it?"

"I mean it's got 12 songs and everything but I don't know if it's really finished, I don't know." He shrugs and I'm almost annoyed by how calm nonchalant he is about it.

"You never know things Harry."

"And I hate it, I knooow! I don't know why I can't just figure it out and I hate that I'm hurting you because of it." He frowns, rubbing his eyes. "But I do know now that I love you. Really love you. Maybe if I figured that out sooner, you wouldn't hate me bubs."

I fiddle with my fingers, given up on trying to collect all my thoughts together a long time ago as I can only allow myself to take in his words and listen. He was right, in any other situation where I wasn't tired and delirious, I probably wouldn't even be in the same room as him. So here I was again, allowing myself to hurt in order to make sure he's taken care of.

Maybe it's what I deserve though. He left Heather because of me. I caved into myself at the though that I ruined the relationship of two people who loved each other simply because I didn't get the memo. She is everything in his eyes, he's proven that, so why didn't I just leave them be?

"Ugh, you probably hate me calling you that now but you know I won't stop cause you are my bubs! Like how I'm you're H. Oh... well, you stopped calling me that so...maybe not anymore but I want to be. Can I be your H again please, I miss that too." My thoughts were cut off  when he continued, finding him now lying down with his eyes closed.

"Maybe one day." I reassured him hesitantly. We would of stayed friends, we wouldn't of had to fall apart, if I had just left him alone.

"Was a weird nickname anyways, just a letter." He mumbles as I stood up, laying the blanket over him while he still holds onto the pillow.

"You sort of gave it to yourself though, get some sleep Harry."  I managed to get out, facing away from him to hide the tear that fell. He should be trying to fix his relationship with her and not me.

"Yeah, but you just started calling me it and I fell in love with it." I take one more look at him before I shut my door, seeing his face nuzzled into the pillow and the glint of a small smile on his face as he drifts off to sleep.

***

8:23. I slept around 2 and woke up 7 hours later to faint piano keys. I took in the soft melody, not recognizing it but enjoying it for a second before I forced myself to sit up and rub my eyes, realizing how dry my skin was from crying. It was definitely a sad song made up of only four chords and a fitting way to start the day as I remember the person who is most likely playing it.

I didn't want to face him, my head feeling too mushed to deal with anything else other than work. It was a weird situation to realize, the man I fell in love with and broke my heart is playing piano after I took him in when he was drunk. He tells me he officially breaks up with Heather after realizing he loves me.

He loves me?

No he doesn't. He should still love her, should be trying to get back to her now that I'm out of the picture. But he hasn't been trying too for the past month, focused on me this whole time. But why?

I snapped myself out of those thoughts quickly, knowing how terrible the following ones would be. I didn't want to think about it anymore, wanting to forget and move on. And as I quietly open my door and peaked out onto my apartment, I see his mess of curls sat on my keyboard with the blanket wrapped around him. He was considerate enough to lower the volume at least.

I took a deep breath and walked out quietly, leaning against the door frame as I continue to listen. "Part of the album, has some of your lyrics in it." He says when he notices my presence.

"Hmm. You told me that you've postponed it." I crossed my arms as he finishes the song with a long note. I see him nod, now looking down at his hands on his lap before adjusting the blanket to fully encase him.

"Yeah I did. It didn't feel right, putting something out there that I should be proud of, but you not being there to be happy with. You not wanting too in there first place, when you put your heart and soul into it, all because of me."

I frown, looking away from him when his intense eyes met mine. "It's too early Harry..."

"You told me it wasn't a good time last night too, so when is?" He huffs and I roll my eyes.

"I don't know after I have my fucking coffee?" I scoffed, uncrossing my arms and heading towards the kitchen. I hear him sigh, not saying anything else as I prepare a cup for myself, already annoyed and stressed out. I felt him staring at me while I avoided making eye contact, rubbing my temples.

"I'm sorry if I was trouble." He says, still sat down on the keyboard with the blanket wrapped around him.

"You're sorry for a lot of things." I sighed, pouring coffee into my cup.

"I am. But I don't know how to really apologize to you when you won't even let me talk to you."

I placed my cup down, suddenly forgetting about my coffee and finally looked at him. "Well what do you expect Harry? After everything you think I'm just going to trust you again? I told you I was done, I wanted to walk out of your life."

"But you picked me up. You still care, that still has to means something." He's frustrated now, desperate even and it only frustrates me more.

"Ah yes, decent morality to not leave an A list celebrity drunk in room full of strangers. That really dumb of you to do by the way, without any bodygaurds- what were you thinking?" I said, noticing how he was fiddling with the pearls that hung around his neck.

"The past month has been hell for me and all I wanted to do was see you. I feel so fucking guilty and sad and it's eating me up because I know I don't deserve any sort of reassurance from you. But at the same time, I so badly just want you back and I'm sorry for how selfish and arrogant I am." He was crying and I soften a little because of it. He tries holding it in, looking down as he quickly wipes away the tears that fall. I don't bother hiding mine anymore, having gotten used to it by now and I was tired of it.

"I've been in pain since December. Four months that you put me through so can blame me when I just want it to stop? I am so exhausted because no matter how much I throw myself into work, all I can think about is you and loving you."

"But I love you too, shouldn't that be enough to try again?" It should of been and he knows. Maybe if he realized it sooner, during his birthday, things would be different.

"You've proven that it's not." I say disappointingly, willing myself to walk over and sat down next to him, looking ahead at my piano in front of me. "I don't know what to do anymore Harry. Why can't you let me have this? Let me move on."

"Cause you and I both know we can't leave each other, too emotionally attached. I need you in my life bubs, everything sucks when you're not in it." I laugh a little at that, because it was true in a fucked up way.

"That's so unfair, why did you have to hurt me?" I hesitantly lay my head on his shoulder before he droops the other end of the blanket around me.

"I know most of my relationships don't last. Deep down I've always loved you but I couldn't let myself fall for you because I didn't want to ruin us. The thought of us breaking up and never seeing each other again just terrified me because I never wanted to lose you, ever. But I fucked up and managed to do so anyways, and I hate myself every day as much as you do." He starts playing the song again as he speaks, but it plays it down a key and slower.

"I don't hate you, can't bring myself too, but you shouldn't of been afraid to talk to me. You know who I am, we would of worked through it no matter what." He nods, followed by only the sounds of the piano melody.

"I'm in love with you." I hear him say softly after a little while out of the blue. It catches me off guard, finding it so foreign to hear those words come from him.

I let out a soft self deprecating chuckle. "No you don't. You care about me, but you don't love me. Probably saying this out of guilt or spur of the moment type thing and I can understand that, but you love Heather. She's good for you, perfect even."

"But I fell in love with you. She's not you." His brows are furrowed together as he frowns.

"Yeah, I'm not her." The small glint of my smile quickly fades and he notices it.

"What I did during my speech was very shitty. Gemma pointed it out to me right away and it's one of the biggest things I ever regret doing." He stops playing when he sees me deep in thought, slowly taking my hand to test the waters. "But I need you to understand what I said was true, that you are such an important person to me. You are beautiful, and kind, patience, and just so fucking good to me, love. I want to cherish you because it's what you deserve and I will deal with as much rejection for you to forgive me and give me another chance. It's worth every heartbreak if it means I get to love you again."

I find myself in an intimate situation, looking into his eyes at such a close proximity, our faces only inches away from each other. I was pleading to him with my eyes, begging him not to hurt me again while the look on his face was one I used to be familiar with. He was frozen while the fear that it would only just happen again held me back from moving. His eyes fluttered down to my lips, as if asking for permission and my head was refusing it. But every other part of me wanted to feel those lips again. I looked down at his, my hand taking hold of his and placing it on my chest to where my heart is before he made the move to finally press our lips together in a small kiss.

I wanted to sob because it felt right. I felt the butterflies again and the complete state of satisfaction. This time was gentle as well, but Harry put so much love into the kiss, cupping my cheek with his other hand when he feels how fast my heart was beating.

It only took a second more before I slowly pulled away, still tightly holding his hand against my heart as he could sense my doubt. "It's going to take some time okay? Probably a long time but you caused me a lot of heartbreak. But I never stopped loving you H, as much as I didn't want too anymore." I said seriously, and his eyes lits up with hope. Holding back his smile as much as he could while he nods because he heard that little nickname again.

"I'll give you as much time and space as you need, thank you. I love you so much bubs." He pulls me into a hug, nuzzling his face into my neck and I feel instantly calmer because of it. I rest my head on his shoulder while he mumbles sweet words into my skin.

"Promise I'll be good to you."

______________________________________________

A/N: :o it’s complete. I finished it yay! I’m so proud with how this series came out and I genuinely hope you guys do as well. I’ve started my semester and it’s going to be hectic so writing will take longer to come out, but there will be future stories that I’m really looking forward to writing and sharing :)

taglist: @big-galaxy-chaos​

[aaronhart93-archive]

these are my confessions || aaron & alison

DISCORD THREAD FEATURING: Aaron & @alison-haynes

MENTIONS: @romanbeckett and luca regio (briefly @davieslandon @ellicfm @jayceelynd @finnthatcher89 @oflaurelthatcherisms @warmvlbes @kingsboroaurora)

WHEN: September 16, 2020

DESCRIPTION: so much??? aaron goes over to comfort alison when she breaks up with luca, alison tells aaron everything she’s been keeping from him about their relationship, they apologize to each other for like they 100th time, they promise each other not to get in the way of their romantic relationships anymore, aaron admits some jealousy

TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentions of rehab, crying, pregnancy, lots of typos, maybe a little bit of self hate on ali’s part, long ass thread because maci and I can’t stop typing?

Aaron.

To say Aaron was panicking was putting things lightly. He'd left the house so quickly, he almost forgot to put shoes on. His uber picked him up out of the pent. Ali's was close and this was New York; normally he'd walk or even take his own car, but this was so much quicker. "Ali?" He called out, swinging the door with his key. "Alison?" He called out, kicking his shoes in the corner. "What the fuck is going on?" He said, as he approached his very pregnant best friend.

Alison.

Alison didn't often send texts like the one she had sent to Aaron tonight. She was sure the other was freaking out, it was hard not to freak out after receiving a text like that one. He didn't know what was happening, hell Alison didn't even know what was going on. She sat on her couch in a pair of pajamas, her hair pulled back into a messy bun. It had been a week, and she had kept it all pent up, trying to figure it out. Trying to figure out what she wanted, and she felt like she had no one to talk too. But she needed to talk, and Aaron had always been her person, even if she had been trying to distance herself lately because Luca disliked Aaron that much. Alison sniffled, blowing her nose and throwing her tissue into the ever growing pile on the coffee table. Upon hearing Aaron's voice, she glanced up revealing her puffy red eyes. "I think Luca and I are over."

Aaron.

Ali had been crying. That was obvious to Aaron. It was evident by her swollen face and messy coffee table. His mouth gaped open slightly when he walked in on the sight, and his heart sank to his ass. He was thinking the worse case scenario. At first, he was thinking she lost the baby? Or was in labor? That clearly wasn't the case. Then when she spoke, his shoulders relaxed. Not because he was relieved they broke up, but because he was relieved she was just in one piece. "What happened?" He asked softly as he sat down next to her. He put a comforting arm around her and brought her in so that she could rest on his shoulder.

Alison.

Alison hadn't wanted to admit for a long time that maybe Aaron was right. Maybe Luca wasn't the person for her, and part of her knew that for a while, but she didn't want to admit it to herself, let alone Aaron. She thought maybe if she kept moving things along, things would get better. She did what she thought she should, she invited him to live with her, she introduced him to her daughter, yet the two were still fighting often. "A lot." She said, resting her head on his shoulder and sinking in. She wasn't even sure where to start. Should she start with Luca leaving to Sicily to care for a terminally ill family member? Or the fights that had been happening for the last few months. "I don't even know where to start, Aaron." She sniffled. "There is so much you don't know."

Aaron

Aaron sighed. He knew why there was so much that he didn’t know. Aaron has done a really good job of shutting her out while she had been dating Luca. He made it obvious that he didn’t like the fact that they were together and that he didn’t like Luca. Of course that would make her block him out when it came to all things Luca. She didn’t want to hear Aaron tell her I told you so, which — as much as he hated to admit this — is totally something he would say. “Okay.” Aaron sighed, rubbing her back as she spoke. “Then start at the beginning.” He suggested.

Alison.

Alison took a sharp breath, wiping the tears from her eyes. She needed to keep it together, there was so much happening, she couldn't just fall apart. Her album came out on Friday and she didn't know how she was going to hold it together for that, but that wasn't the problem at hand. "How much did I mess up this year?" Alison asked wrapping her arms around her baby bump. That was the one thing she knew wasn't a mistake, her baby boy. "I - you're going to hate me for everything I'm going to say." She whispered. She defended Luca so much this year, and Aaron had told her time and time again, and now she was able to admit it all to him.

Aaron.

The socialite furrowed his brows when she told him that she messed the year up. This year has been a challenge for them both — individually, as friends and as co parents. But she hadn’t messed it up. Not at all. She was having a baby, which Aaron knew was what she wanted. She was healthy. Des was healthy. Her career was thriving. “You haven’t.” He said, sighing. Even though Aaron could argue that he fucked up this year too. He just had to keep remembering all of the good things his hardships had brought him. That’s what Alison needed to do now too. His face twisted with confusion when she spoke next. “What is it?” He asked with a shaky voice.

Alison.

Alison was unsure where to start, but Aaron needed to know everything she had been dealing with this past year. “I haven’t been able to talk to anyone,” Alison said, pulling back from Aaron and wrapping up in a nearby blanket. “I couldn’t talk to you. About any of this, because I’m sure I would have heard I told you so. Or you would have told me to break up with him.” Alison knew Aaron well, and knew what he would say. “Luca and I....we argued a lot. But I couldn’t talk to you. And when you and I argued — I couldn’t talk to him.” Alison felt the tears fall from her eyes for the millionth time this week. “I‘ve had no one to talk to this year, and it has been the worst feeling in the world.” She reaches for another tissue, “Love makes you do stupid things, Aaron.” Alison knew that Aaron knew that, but she needed him to know that. “Everyone is going to think I have a broken family.” She said sadly.

Aaron

Aaron felt his heart pang when the singer told him that she felt like she had no one to talk to. He knew that that was partially his fault. He had done a great job of isolating her. Alison and Aaron had never fought like they had in the past several months. And Aaron had never felt so far from Alison; he could always guess what she was thinking, but lately they seemed to be on completely different wavelengths. Aaron swallowed hard. Looking at his hands, he nodded because she was right. He would have. That make him feel like absolute shit. "I'm sorry." He told her solemnly. He raised his brow because love had made him do really stupid things to these past few months. Like really stupid things. Which Alison knew. His demeanor changed a little when she spoke next. Now he was just confused. He adjusted himself on the couch to turn to face her completely, face twisting with confusion. "Where the hell did you get that idea from?" He spat.

Alison.

Alison had never felt so distanced in her life -- besides right after her brother had passed. After moving to New York, getting pregnant with Destiny, she always had Aaron. The pair could talk about anything and everything. This was the first year since meeting Aaron did Alison ever feel like she couldn't talk to him about things, and all this anger and sadness was pent up in the singer.  Her mind went back to the night -- before her and Luca were dating -- when he told her that her family with Destiny & Aaron was a broken one. Now, her family really must have been broken. Her heart hurt at the thought. Alison reached for one of the pillows, holding it tightly against her chest as the tears fell from her eyes. "L-Luca," She sniffled out, "H-he told me our family was broken. You, Des and me. If one person thinks that," She squeezed her eyes closed tightly, "--I'm sure half the world has their opinion on it." Alison was pretty good about not caring what people thought of her, which she had to be, but right now she just thought the worst of other peoples opinions. "I--I must look terrible. Two kids -- not with either of their fathers. When people find out -- people are going to think I'm this big slut." The blonde said, clearly in pain.

Aaron.

He said what now? God, this guy really was a dick. How much more about him was Alison keeping from Aaron? He knew he was right about him all along. Aaron felt his blood boil and his face get red. He stood up, pacing back and forth while he tried to resist the urge to punch a hole in the wall. Breathe, remember what your counselors taught you. He repeated his counselors words over and over in his head. but he was so mad. How dare he? The Hart-Haynes family wasn't perfect, but they were far from broken. Destiny was one of the happiest little girls he had ever met. And it was Alison and Aaron who made that happen for her. He finally calmed himself down enough to the point he wasn't yelling. Well, he wasn't yelling loudly at least. "What a fucking asshole. And now look at what he's done..." he said, motioned towards the tall blonde. What he's making you think. Alison..." He began, sitting on the ottoman across from her. "This family is not broken. And you are not a slut. Who cares about what other people think? You have your loyal fans, your friends, me, Des who know your character. That's all that matters." He told her, speaking more calmly than he thought he could.

Alison.

Alison knew that Aaron had already disliked Luca, and this wasn't helping the case. Sure, the pair had their problems, but Alison did love Luca. Even if she knew for a while that maybe she shouldn't defend him the way she had been, or maybe she should have loved a little less, but either way she had been -- still was in love with the Italian man. This hurt like hell, telling Aaron things that had been said in private between the two but she knew it would help her feel better eventually. The fact Luca had called her family broken all that time ago still made her think about what other people thought of the family unit. Alison never saw her family as broken, she saw it as her family. "I - I don't know if he said it was a broken family -- but," She tried to remember back to the exact words, it was all blurred though. "I think it was a broken home." Alison rubbed her face, this had happened so long ago, but it still bothered her to this day. "He -- he said it back when -- when I asked if you'd have another child with me." She knew this would probably set Aaron off into a rage about her even forgiving him and why she had gotten together with him in the first place. But,  Luca had been a person for her to lean on after her and Aaron argued about not having another child together, and she needed that someone. Every word that came from her mouth pained, "I never thought our family was broken," She whispered softly, looking into Aaron's eyes with her sad wet blue eyes, "I thought we were doing a really good job. You -- me -- Des. But, now maybe our family isn't broken," She motioned between the two of them. "But mine is." Alison said, setting her hand on her baby bump. "What is he going to think about his parents not being together?"

Aaron.

Aaron was almost hurt that Alison hadn't told him this before, but he needed to tell himself that there were things that Roman had shared with him that he hadn't told Ali. It was weird how they didn't tell each other every little thing about their lives anymore. They both had partners for that now. Well, they did... Aaron scratched his head and took several deep breaths. He really just wanted to scream or throw something or... He was just so angry, he could barely stop his body from shaking. He got up to pace again. "Alison. That's bullshit." He spat, even though he meant to calm her down. "We --" He motioned to himself then to Alison, "are amazing parents. And our family is far from fucking broken. And you and your son are not going to have a broken family either. Broken home...." he shook his head and mumbled. "Fuck that." He paced around some more, trying to calm himself down. He wanted a drink. So bad. He tried to focus on Alison and what he needed, but it was so hard when he knew where all of Alison's alcohol was. He paused for a few more moment, letting himself calm down. "Okay." He said, sitting down next to her. "So how did you guys break up?" He asked, wanting the full story. He wasn't going to say I told you so, but he was damn glad that Luca wasn't going to be living with his daughter anymore. "Talk to me." he said, softly. He was doing a great job of not punching that wall, but he still wanted a drink.

Alison.

Alison hadn't been in love -- well ever. Not until Luca, and now she was seeing just how stupid someone could be when they were in loved. She nearly let her relationship with Luca completely tear up her friendship with Aaron, something that had been years in the building, something she never wanted to give up. "I know we are. I just -- sometimes its hard not to doubt myself. Especially with how much I travel for work -- sometimes I feel like a shitty mom." She said quietly. Aaron and Alison always worked things out for them to arrange visits with Destiny when she was away on tour, and nightly facetime calls to the small blonde were a thing. No one who knew Alison would consider her to be a bad mother, but sometimes it was hard to not doubt herself. "I -- I don't have anyone to raise him with," She cried softly, "I'm all by myself, and what -- what if I can't do it by myself?" She cried out quietly. She wasn't by herself, she knew that Aaron would be with her every step of the way. Sure, he wasn't her sons father, but she knew Aaron wouldn't let her sink and drown. Alison shut her eyes tightly, looking over at him. "Theres been so many times," She whispered, "So many times where I just wanted to pull the plug. But, I didn't. For his sake." She said motioning down to her baby bump. "He deserves both of his parents, and I wanted to give that to him." Alison looked sadly in Aaron's direction, "Remember when I went to Rhode Island? After I found out I was pregnant? And I wasn't talking to you -- or Luca?" She asked, remembering that had been the time she came closest to ending the relationship.September 18, 2020

Aaron.

Prior to Roman and Luca, it was Alison and Aaron (and Des) against the word. Literally nothing could separate them or tear them about. The were such a power pair. Aaron could clearly remember the time that Des got in trouble in the beginning of her Kindergarten year at school. She had gotten into a fight with another kid at school. Des swore up and down that the other kid bit her which is why she started yelling, but her teachers didn't believe her. In came Alison and Aaron, all dressed up in their designer clothes and leaving busy days at work to come and get their kid. Aaron and Alison had made sure to clear the confusion up right away, of course, getting their kid out of trouble. The were iconic. They still were. "Hold on." He stopped her, holding up his hand. "You are not alone. You have me, Roman, Ellie, Landon, Emily, Jaycee, your friends Finn and Laurel, Aurora. The list goes on, Alison." He sighed. "Ali." He pleaded. "Your son is my daughter's brother. Meaning I am with you through this no matter what." He promised. "Not like there's anything you can do about this now, but you know that people can be good parents without being together. We are example number 1. it may have actually ended up being worse the kid and Des if you guys were unhappy and stayed together." He informed her. "yeah...I remember." He sighed. He hated that time. Like so much. And he hated thinking about it to. And he remembered Luca telling him that Alison wasn't talking to him either. "Were you guys fighting then?"

Alison.

Things in her life had always been complicated, before Aaron, she was a young singer in New York by herself, just trying to find her way. Then, after meeting Aaron and having Destiny, of course things were complicated. She was also someone who chose to put her life into the publics eye which screamed complicated. But nothing felt as complicated as what she was going through right now. She was truly just sad, sad that things weren't going the way she planned. Alison knew that Aaron was right though, she had a whole team behind her, an amazing team of people who were helping to raise Destiny, and with no doubt would be there for her son too. Alison felt warm tears roll down her cheek, looking to Aaron. This probably wasn't the right time to ask this, and it might have been a weird question. "Will --," The blonde sniffled sadly, "Will you be there when you know? I give birth?" She asked, her eyes gazing away from his face. "Because L-Luca was supposed to be the one to hold my hand through that -- and I-I can't do that alone." Alison knew that her and Aaron were doing a great job with Destiny, there was no doubt about it, and the entire time they hadn't been a couple. There were plenty of different kinds of families, and her family just didn't fall into a usual category. There was so much about that time that Alison hadn't told Aaron, mainly because she just couldn't tell him. He didn't want to hear it, neither did Luca. Alison shut her eyes tightly, "You know, during that time I was traveling a lot anyways, but every time I came home, we fought." She said. It had been before her and Luca were living together, well before that. It was mostly about you." Alison tried to keep her voice steady, but could hear the sad cracks as she spoke. "-But it was everytime I was home. You know, he didn't want me to tell you about the baby -- and I chose too. And he was pissed about it." She said, "He asked me one night if I had told you, he was the one who brought your name up, not me. So I told him that I told you, and I-I told him how you reacted and he went off the rails. He started asking me why I was telling him about how you think he is so shitty." Alison hated that she was talking like this. She truly did love Luca, and loved all the time they spent together, but she also had so much pent up anger and ranting was something she really needed to do. "I kept telling him that I didn't care what you thought about him, that I just -- that I loved him." Alison said, squeezing the pillow tightly to herself. "And he kept asking that if it didn't matter to me what you thought, why I always brought it up. And --," Finally Alison looked at Aaron, "I care about your opinion. You know I do, you're my b-best friend. Your opinion means the world to me, but I tried not to talk about you. But, I so badly wanted things to work with him. So I was telling him everything I thought he wanted to hear. I-I also remember telling him that I didn't want to spent the entire pregnancy miserable because everytime I came home we were fighting. That night I-I told him that I would try and keep my distance from you." Alison said, her eyes stinging, the words hurting as they came out of her mouth. How could she let someone else pull her away from her best friend? The only person who had been by her side for the last seven years, through anything and everything? But, she had been willing to, all because she loved him. "He went on about how I chose to tell you even though he told me not too, and got the exact reaction he thought I would, and that I should back off from you. And I tried, I tried really hard. God, I was so stupid." Alison shook her head, putting her face into the palm of her hands. "You should hate me." This was just the beginning, Alison had much more to tell Aaron that led to the break up and she wasn't sure how well he was going to take it all. But, talking was making the blonde feel a bit better.

Aaron.

"And by the way.... you are not a shitty mom. Aaron felt ridiculous for even having to remind her of that. She was away a lot, yeah, but that didn't make her a shitty mom. Alison was far better at dealing with Des' meltdowns, and always seemed to know the best ways to calm he down. There used to be times when Des was really little when Aaron would call Alison  on tour absolutely freaking out and asking her how to handle on of Des' meltdowns. Aaron's life no doubt changed when he met Alison. They had both went through a huge transition together, and watched each other grow so much as people, and watched their careers grow as well. If Aaron had never met Alison, his life would be so different. He felt like he'd be a completely different person if they had never met. Aaron's face lit up at the mention of him being in the delivery room with her. He had a hard time believing that Luca wouldn't be around for the birth of his son, but he wasn't going to say no to Alison right now. He could remember so clearly being in the delivery room with her the first time - and lord was that something. In no way shape or form did he want to relive that experience, but he knew that Alison didn't either and the least he could do was be there with her to hold her hand. Again. "Of course, Alison. I promise I won't panic this time." He joked, even though he was pretty serious.

The billionaire's face faltered when Alison started telling him all about the time she had run away to Rhode Island after telling Aaron that they needed to take a break from each other. He felt so low then. He never thought that he would hear those words come out of Alison's mouth, and they hurt like hell. To find out that Luca was the mastermind behind that. That actually made him hurt less. It sounded kind of fucked up, but it was almost comforting to know that Alison wasn't the one who had come up with that idea herself. It just fueled the fire for his hatred for Luca, but right now he knew he needed to focus on Alison. "Ali...." He began, unsure of what to say. "I don't hate you. Stop that. You know I could never, ever hate you." He promised her. It was true. He was so mad at Alison when he was in rehab, but hate her? No, he could never. This was all so much. He couldn't help but to feel a little bit responsible for this break up. Maybe if he were nicer to Luca this wouldn't have happened. then again, he didn't regret anything. Maybe his delivery wasn't correct, but he was only trying to protect Alison and Des. "Okay..." he began. "What else?" Clearly, there was more to this story.

Alison.

Never in a million years had Alison ever thought she was a shitty mom, but now about to bring a second child into this world, a child who didn't have a father in the picture currently, made her feel a bit offsetting. The blonde with no doubt loved the child that was growing inside of her, but she did feel bad about the situation he would enter the world into. Alison could remember the first time she brought a child into the world, the crying, the screaming, the intense hours of labor, and of course Aaron there to help her through it. He wasn't calm, not even close to it, but just having him there to hold her hand made things better, and she was going to need that once again when she brought a new baby into the world. "Thank you --," She breathed out, a bit surprised by the fact he did agree to being in the room. Alison let out a sharp breath before continuing in on the story, "Well, even though I tried to patch things up that night, he took his dinner to his room and I sat alone -- the one night I was home in town -- to eat dinner.  I was just, I was so stressed between fighting with you, fighting with him. I just needed to go. Which is when I went to Rhode Island." Alison said, knowing that Aaron remembered that week all too well. Alison needed that time though, while she was gone she hadn't talked to Luca, nor Aaron - unless it regarded Destiny. "I-I, that weekend was nice, Aaron. Destiny and I at the beach, for the first time in months I felt at peace." She told him. Even before she was pregnant, Alison and Luca had been arguing about Aaron, she had needed that space. Alison used the back of her hand to wipe the tears from her face once again, knowing this was a lot of information for Aaron to process. "When I came back, I went to see Luca after dropping Des off with you." She figured he had known that, of course she had gone to see her boyfriend when she returned to the city. "I got there, and the first thing he did was ask me why I ran off--," had needed that time to heal, to destress and be okay. The stress she had been putting on her body wasn't good for herself, nor her baby. Aaron and Luca both should have understood the space that she needed. When she had returned, Aaron seemed to understand it all a bit better than Luca did, which she was appreciative for. She didn't need anymore blow ups, she would have left again. "I said I had needed some space and that I didn't want it to feel like I was running. He was quick to tell me if I wanted space I needed to discuss that with him, not run. Did you feel like I ran that week? I-I didn't want to hurt anyone, and I know I did, but I needed to do what was best for the b-baby." That had always been the goal, doing what was best for her baby at the time. If that meant removing herself from a toxic situation, even if it was just for a week, then so be it.  "He was sure to tell me that the only reason we fought was because I did what he told me not to do. I told him he could feel however he wanted about it, b-but I had my reasonings and I felt how I felt about it. Which made him ask me, how many times I was going to put you before him. I-I was doing everything I could to show him that I was putting him first, and not you. I-I just couldn't agree with that. Not telling you about the baby as soon as I found out -- that wouldn't have been fair." Alison froze for a moment, thinking back to the night she returned to New York, making sure to get all the details right. "I -I told him I didn't care if you and him didn't get a long, I told him all I wanted was for the two of you to be civil -- n-not even for my sake, but for Des and the baby. All I care about is their happiness," Aaron knew how much Alison loved Destiny, and how she would put her before anyone else, even her own happiness. Aaron was a parent, and Alison knew he would do the same exact thing when it came to the happiness of their child. "He proceeded to tell me that he would put aside his feelings so I could get what I wanted. That upset me so much, because I was doing everything. Everything I could to make things work, everything I could to be sure he felt like his feelings were being acknowledged -- but it wasn't enough. I-I almost broke up with him right then and there." She told him. Which was the truth. "I-I was sick of never being heard, it was always about his feelings, never about how I felt. And Aaron -- that hurt. Especially while carrying his child, I was emotional and I wanted -- I need to be heard." Alison reached for another tissue on the table, "I told him that I took a break from you for a week.  That I couldn't do that, that you are my family and I need you around. I told him though that he was supposed to be my boyfriend, and the person who supported me through everything, and how I was sick of things being about his feelings and not mine. I - I told him I couldn't do it anymore, I told him I couldn't take the fighting." Alison knew Aaron was going to ask what changed, because this was so long ago now. When she went to Rhode Island, the blonde was still in her first trimester, now she was inching up to the eighth month of pregnancy and clearly her and Luca had been together since.

Aaron.

This was just so much to take in. He listened though. Very intently, matching the timelines up in his mind, and nodding along to show her that he was listening. This hurt him so much. Alison had gone through all of this and hadn't even told him about it. for good reason though -- their fights were his fault. Alison was right though, they were family and at the end of the day they would always out each other first. Aaron had thought about the few times that him and Roman had fought about Alison too. Aaron and Alison's relationship was weird and confusing , and hard for some people to understand. But it made perfect sense to Alison and Aaron. That was all that mattered to him. "I mean. At first I thought you were running, and took it really really hard. But Roman kind of knocked some sense into me and told me that you needed space and was probably really struggling. That week sucked honestly." He confessed, looking down at his hands. "it sounds like you guys argued a lot more than you lead on. I knew that guy was a dick. He sounds so controlling. I still don't understand why he didn't think I deserved to know. That's my daughter's brother." He sighed, rubbing his face with his hand. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you fought about me. That was never what I intended for. I want you to be happy with someone." It hurt him to hear that Alison was fighting with Luca so much and she felt like she had to lie to the father of her child about it. "Rhode Island was forever ago though." He pondered. "Why did you guys break up now? Have you been fighting this whole time?" He was so confused. And he'd feel awful if Alison had really been unhappy with Luca and that she had to keep that a secret from Aaron for months.

Alison.

There was still so much to the story of her and Luca, things that she had kept from Aaron this entire time. She loved Luca, hell she still loves Luca, but things hadn't been good since the beginning. Alison nodded slowly, "I was really struggling. Roman was right, I felt --," Alison took a moment to try and find the right word, "I felt like I was suffocating. Drowning -- I don't know, I j-just felt like everything was collapsing around me." She said honestly, biting down on her lip. "He's not a dick, I-I love him. But, there is just so much that happened." Alison took a deep breath, "I-I essentially broke up with him that night, but then he said he was going to take me to court. He said I wasn't going to keep the baby from him. I-I never said anything about that. B-but I was scared, so I told him we would make it work, we'd figure it out. So we did." Aaron knew better than anyone that Alison would never try to keep someones child from them. It wasn't in her to do something like that. She nodded when he asked if they had been fighting this whole time. "On and off. There were some really great times, there were. And I do love him. But, there was also so much fighting. " She said honestly, "Then you went to rehab. I-- I thought I should tell him. Right? I mean Des wasn't going to be with you, so I thought I had to be honest with him. At this point, I-I hadn't talked to him about you in months. Unless I said, I'm bringing Des to Aaron's. T-that was the only time you came up. This was the first real conversation about you in months." Which had been hard for Alison. She loved Aaron to pieces, so having to keep the good, the bad, everything in about him was hard. She knew Aaron probably got to talk to Roman about her, so he could imagine how hard it had been for her to just be silent.

Aaron.

Aaron was absolutely dumb founded when Alison told him that Luca had plans to take her to court. For of all, this was Alison Haynes. He wasn't going to beat her. There was no way. Second of all, no matter how many times Aaron had gotten into fights with Alison about Des - he would never ever threaten to take Alison to court. Never. And it never once crossed his mind. Aaron pressed his lips together and took a deep breath when she mentioned him going to rehab. He still hated that Luca knew about that, more so now that they were broken up. He couldn't blame Alison for telling her partner about it. Aaron told Roman literally everything going on in his life, so he didn't expect anything different from Alison and her relationship. "I'm sorry." He said again. He was sorry for so much. Being the cause of so much stress in her relationship, and he was just sorry in general that all of this was happening to her. She didn't deserve this. "So...where are you guys going from here? With the baby? Did he leave New York? I's find it hard to believe that he'd leave the city considering he was about to have a son." He was still so confused on everything that had went down between them, but Alison was providing a little more clarity. No wonder Luca hated Aaron; he was someone that Alison talked about all the time. He knew Roman felt the same way about Alison and Aaron's relationship and he was suddenly afraid that something similar would happen within his own relationship.

Alison.

Alison rubbed her forehead, not sure how Aaron was going to take the next part. She still wasn't sure how she felt about it, "He has a sick family member -- back in Sicily." She told him. Maybe Alison was a bad guy for breaking up with him when he was going back to take care of a sick relative, but she really wasn't sure how she was going to make the relationship work when the two of them were halfway around the world from one another, they could barely make it work when they lived in the same home. "I-I broke it off when he said he was leaving. Am I-I a bad person?" She asked quietly, "I-I know he should be there for his family member, but -- what about him?" She asked, motioning to her very pregnant stomach. "He didn't say when he'd be back, he didn't even say if he was coming back, and its so close to my due date -- I, I just didn't want to try and make it work anymore. Trying to make it work has been exhausting. I-I'm terrible, aren't I?"

Aaron.

Aaron sat back on the couch and looked straight ahead, just taking in all of the information he was hearing. He wasn't happy that Alison was hurting. Not at all. He was a little relieved to find out that Luca wasn't the one to break up with Alison -- he didn't know why that made him feel a little better. Maybe because it gave Alison more power in this? That sounded fucked up. Maybe it was because Aaron would really be tempted to knock his teeth out if it was Luca doing the dumping. Still, he knew Alison was hurting just as much. "I mean..." He began, unsure what to say. "You're definitely not terrible. And it sounds like he was in an impossible situation." He tried to empathize with Luca as much as possible, even though he couldn't ever imagine leaving Des. "If things were already going south while you guys were living together, there's no way you guys would have been able to make things work while he's in Europe.  I think you made the right choice. Now it's up to him to decide on what kind of father he wants to be." He said, reaching out to rub her shoulder softly.

Alison.

Alison knew he was right. She wasn’t happy, she hadn’t been happy in the relationship for a while, and she just hadn’t admitted it to herself. There was no way she was going to stick around while he was halfway across the world and just try to make it work. Alison was the one who pulled the cord, she shouldn’t be as upset as she was, or at least that was what she thought. I dumped him, I have no right to be sad, but she couldn’t help but feel sad. Alison looked to Aaron with sad eyes, knowing that he couldn’t make the pain go away, but he could help by just being there. “I just wanted things to go right this time. I wanted to get married, I wanted it to all work out.” She said sadly.

Aaron.

Aaron knew that Alison was a hopeless romantic. Anyone could tell just by listening to her music, but Aaron knew Alison so well. Probably better than anyone else. "I know." The urge to say I told you so was so real, but Aaron was trying to be more compassionate. Something he learned after rehab. And he knew that wasn't what she needed and that she was most definitely already thinking that herself. "Alison. We have to promise each other that we aren't going to get in the way of each other's relationships again. We're both guilty of it." It sounded harsh, but it was something that needed to be said. "I'm sorry for being such a dick about Luca. Maybe if I wasn't you wouldn't have had all of these problems. I was just being a jealous, overprotective asshole. Truthfully, i didn't want another man in yours and Des' lives. You know I have this incessant need to be everyone's protector and the person that everyone can lean on. Yes, I hate that fact that Luca was an ex-con, but looking back on that now....I realize that it wasn't the only reason. So I'm sorry." He sighed.  "C'mon." He told her, standing up and holding out his hand. "You need to go to bed. I'll stay with you until you fall asleep." He promised her.

Alison.

Anyone who knew Alison knew that she wanted the kind of love that you would see in romance movies, the kind of love that people dreamed of, and never did the blonde have that kind of love even if she wanted to. Aaron knew the kind of love that Alison was after, it was the kind of love she wanted since she was a kid. Hearing his next words broke Ali's heart a bit more, she knew that both of them had done wrong things to each others relationships. But it was hard, Roman & Luca were the first people to become serious relationships for both Aaron and Alison since the two had met and they didn't know how to handle it. But -- Aaron had fell in love with someone who was genuinely kind and someone who adored their daughter just as much as they did. Alison on the other hand fell in love with Luca, and sure Luca cared about Destiny and Alison, but it wasn't in the same way that Roman cared for her daughter. "I promise." She whispered out softly, shaking her head. "I-It's not your fault. This would have happened eventually anyways." She knew it was true. It would have happened eventually." The blonde said sadly. Sure, Aaron and Luca could have tried harder, but she was pinning this more on Luca. He never even wanted to try, or listen to her when she needed to vent about Aaron. Alison nodded slowly, grabbing his hand to pull her very pregnant self up to her feet. "Thanks." She whispered, and followed him down to her room.

[momtemplative]

Summertime.

Summertime is fucking awesome for a kid.

I remember entire days—chunks of days— that were spent at the pool, with Will Smith’s SummaSummaSummaTime bumping through the loud speakers while we ate nachos with fake cheese for lunch with our wrinkly, chlorine-sodden fingers. For months, everything smelled with a hint of chlorine and freedom. Open expanses of time were glorious.

Then I had kids. 

With kids and summer, there is a lot to consider, a grand choreography to uphold. I always lose sleep before summer. It feels as if my role jumps from “parent” to “coordinator of peace and good times for three straight months,” (even typing all that was exhausting), where everyone is entertained, but not too entertained, happy, but not overly happy, everyone has a routine, but plenty of time for spontaneity, and so on! YAY!

Like all grand puppet-masters, I feel deeply anxious before the show even begins. Damn you, summer!

Summer is just the right length where we can get through it, at times gliding through mercifully, at times, hanging on to all the tow-ropes and oh-shit handles we can find along the way. The number of kid meltdowns and sibling fista-cuffs greatly increases as we near the finish line. The phrase, “We’ll try and get you some space,” is utilized daily. Then, when school starts again, we all heave a sigh of relief that is audible for blocks. 

I wasn’t fully aware of the amount of time and energy that went to keeping the machine-of-summer afloat. Until COVID and our involuntary exposure therapy. We were thrust into “summer” two-and-a-half months early, without warning and without any external supports. It felt like some bizarre test in endurance. Like our human capacity for resilience was being evaluated for future generations. There was no more just getting through. We were thrown in way too deep for that. We had to figure out how to function, how to grow and maintain sanity because, for this version of summer, there really is no finish line.

After the first two COVID-weeks of being at home with the kids, no work or school (or online school at that point), no activities or playdates, no outside world to depend on, I fell apart. As in, to pieces—the way one does when they are trying to hold everything together. The uptick in fights, tantrums and explosive emotions, with no end in sight, was too much to process.

After a few hours of wallowing, I picked myself up and pulled down a pile of books from the shelf that have added perspective in the past—Siblings without Rivalry, The Wisdom of No Escape, Care of the Soul. The words were nice, but nothing cut through the wall of despondency. So I pulled out my phone and searched “Siblings Fighting” on my Janet Lansbury podcast, smearing tears as I went.

(A note here on Janet Lansbury. As a parent of young kids, no one person has benefited my faculties, mental health and wit more than Janet. Her podcast is rich with real-life wisdom that changes the experience of parenthood for the better.)

In the random sibling-titled podcast that I discovered—from years ago, but still, obviously, totally current—Janet was replying to a woman who had three young kids and was losing her mind trying to maintain tranquility in her house. The woman said something to the effect of, it would have been so much easier if I’d only had one.

To this, Janet replied with what felt, to me, like a beautiful and classic snap-out-of-it moment. She said, No. I disagree. Followed by something to the order of this: When you have one child, you can still live under the illusion that you can keep everyone happy. When you have two kids, you start to see that it’s really tough, damn near impossible, to keep everyone happy and peaceful, but you may still try. With three kids, you have the gift of experiencing first hand that the jig is up! No matter what kind of tiny-statue-winning show you maintain, there is no way in hell you can keep three young kids peaceful all the time. So you are forced to stop trying. 

I came to the conclusion that COVID is my third child. 

And with that thought—like the scene in Mary Poppins where the messy room gets magically tidied as if from an internal intelligence all its own—my insides were completely fresh, organized, and updated. My energy quadrupled.

With the externals turned down, with nowhere to go, and all of us cohabiting the same tiny shoebox of a house, it’s not going to be business-as-usual for quite some time. And we’ll all fare better with adjusted expectations. We are all in a fishbowl and, while clocking in endless hours together, I saw right-quick the laundry lists of things I feigned having control of: my girls and their interactions, potty training for Ruth, the weather (which rules if we can or cannot get outside), my mood, Jesse’s mood. 

Janet says, wake up expecting turmoil—then you won't make it your job to live free of it, get rid of it, fix it, numb it. Discord is healthy. Emotions are healthier. Don’t dive in and ride the waves with your kids, stand back and watch, give them space, be there for them to come back to shore. The last thing they need is a mom who is also out of breath, scraped up and with sand in her ears. I don’t need to be Queen Empress of their journey as siblings. I don’t need to have a say in every nuance, every detail and pixel of this habitat. 

And, she says, give yourself permission to flounder, too. Always, but especially right now. Some moments just feel brutally claustrophobic—we can be ready for that. A few days ago, I started crying while Jesse was giving me a shoulder massage. No warning, just did. I had a major-headache and I couldn’t think straight. Opal said, “Mom, are you crying?” SO defensive, I said, “I feel like I’m under a magnifying glass!” and ran out of the room. And sometimes it just goes like that. (I apologized to Opal soon thereafter.) If my emotions are coming out sideways like this—at 42 and with thousands of dollars under my belt spent on therapy—imagine what our sweet kiddos are going through!

And sometimes things settle organically into their rightful place, without force or manipulation. Today, I was lying on the floor in the hallway—not an unusual sight in the middle of the day for me to have my legs up a wall for a short period of time. This time, Ruth was in the bathroom in the tub, the door open to my right. She was acting out a full drama with her Elsa and Anna barbies. Opal was behind her bedroom door, which was closed, reachable by raising my right arm. She was doing her singing lessons over Skype, crooning her gorgeous little heart out. Jesse was behind door number three, our closed bedroom door, easily reached by my left hand. He was talking on the phone in hushed tones to who-knows-who. Three completely separate worlds were happening peacefully, simultaneously, all within my arm’s reach. It was a tiny little subculture, and I was in the middle, observant and spacious, not expending even the slightest molecule of energy. 

If anything, I was bolstered as a part of this whole, the Grimes system, my family.  And there were a few cherished minutes to get lost inside of that settled feeling, which is becoming less and less rare, before Ruth hollered that she needed to pee and I snapped back to attention. 

So here we are, nearing the end of the first official week of summer. No public pool or Will Smith or finger-paint-yellow nacho cheese. I can’t quite fathom a summer without any of the norms—camps and playdates and travel. For now, no public places, parks, or our blessed little library.

Things are starting to slowly open again, though I suppose they have been for weeks now. We have taken two magnificent walks with our close friends—socially distanced and masked. It’s still strange, but a step forward, no doubt. Cultivating moments of connection like these, situations hinged in community—even if virtual—are key in maintaining some sense of equanimity as time moves forward. 

(PS: This is utterly different from the work of the puppet-master.)

Though time feels anything but linear. I flash-forward to the image of my daughters ten, twenty, years from now, reminiscing about the COVID era with their friends. (Six feet apart on walks, remember? The masks, OMG, the MASKS!) I think back to when I was a kid and scour the already-murky memories for some example of a comparable viewpoint, something I can offer to my girls, tell them I had been through something similar when I was their age. But I come up with nothing, nada. 

We are all writing this story as we go.

May 27, 2020

[violethues1993]

My truth

/// tw: mentions of abuse, suicidal thoughts, overly possessive behavior and nudity                                   * *

So this is something that I've held onto for far too long and just recently, I've been reminded of someone I wish I never got involved with in the first place.

This story isn't unique by any means, but I know I'm not the only one who went through an abusive relationship. I hope that by sharing this, I can finally come to terms with the mistakes that were made and hope no one else will go through what I went through.

So let's start off with Ex #1 two years ago. We meet on the Internet, he's in the UK and I'm in the States. Everything was going well for a few months and I made the mistake of sharing nudes with him. Honestly, I thought it was going to be long term and it wouldn't matter beyond making him happy. Instead, he used me for free porn and gaslit me any time I questioned the "relationship" and whether or not he actually had feelings for me. Needless to say, I got tired of his BS and cut him off in December 2017. This story isn't about him though, because Ex #1 at least got a clue and we've blocked each other since then.

Ex #2 however, continues to be a creep and blocking him won't help me in this regard. We started talking around late January/early February 2018. My first mistake was still being vulnerable after my messy break up and allowing this guy into my life. My second mistake was ignoring the early red flags that showed up just as the relationship was starting.

Red flag #1: he cut himself off from his friends, some of his family, and especially girl friends. I never asked him to do that at all.

Red flag #2: Not even two weeks into the relationship and already he wants to marry me and be a mother to his kids. First of all, I don't want to get married before I actually get to know someone completely. At least wait 3-5 years before that happens. Second, I don't want to be a mother. AT ALL. The thought of putting my body through near death and constant pain, the thought of passing on my mental illnesses and not being mentally stable myself and having to raise children terrifies me to no end. All he kept saying was, "I'll make you change your mind." And yes, that includes adoption and foster care. It's better if I avoid any form of motherhood at all and let someone who wants that life and is more capable than me to have that opportunity to do so.

Red flag #3: He was unhealthily obsessed with weapons. He was constantly paranoid of everyone and everything. More on that later.

I foolishly ignored these glaring signs because in the beginning, like the last relationship, he was showering me with gifts, compliments and provided me a shoulder to cry on. He always tried to support me financially when he could.

We made a Skype call in March to verify that we were indeed real people. I gave him my phone number so that we could talk outside of DMs. We made plans for him to see me last May and we both took off time from work to accomplish this.

Last May was also when my mental health took a turn for the worse. My mom and I had a strained relationship because she was dating a garbage of a human being then and he constantly put a rift between my mom and I. He also enabled her drinking habits up until his death a year later. But that's another story for another time.

Mother's Day 2018 was one of the worst days of my life. My mom's boyfriend kept harassing me to talk to her and threatened to sue me over $500 that he gave me to buy a used car. I was sobbing uncontrollably and felt suicidal. That's when Ex #2 got the bright idea to drive the wedge between me and my mom even further by yelling at her boyfriend. Nothing was accomplished. My dad had to rush to my house to make sure I wasn't going to go through with a suicide attempt and stayed until I was calm enough to be on my own. My dad and I don't often get along, but I'll never not appreciate him looking after me because nothing is more frightening than your child taking their own life.

A week later, Ex #2 flies into town and for that week, we were getting to know each other better and went out for several dates. Of course, he met my dad and his girlfriend and they seemed to like him enough.

However, the cracks were beginning to show. I'm not the type of person to engage in PDA and Ex #2 guilt tripped me into doing that constantly. "Don't you love me, sweetheart? Please hold my hand."

While we were in DC, we went to the Newseum because it's one of my favorite places to go in DC. He kept making inappropriate comments about "fake news" and I had to keep telling him to behave himself.

Later on when we had to take the Metro back to the mall, just as I was about to go towards the escalator, he noticed employees of the EPA standing outside. He proceeded to humiliate me and himself by cursing at them for "taking away jobs." I was so disgusted and tried to calm down so that I wasn't embarrassed any further.

When we got back to the mall, we passed by a jewelry store and one of the sales people came up to us immediately. Understandably, they pestered us to buy a ring, but just like with the EPA employees, he childishly told them that he would be back later. I kept my head down to avoid any more trouble.

We still get the ring and gives me a bracelet to go with it. Little did we know that we wasted money on jewelry with hardly any value (more on that later), but to him it was really special. I understood that and made sure that while he was away that I would keep them in a safe place and only wear them for special occasions.

What he failed to understand is that me not wearing the promise ring didn't mean I didn't love him, but instead me trying to protect it from any damage or get lost while I was working. He then guilt tripped me again, saying he had to skip meals to get me that ring and to fly out to see me. Any normal person would understand that you don't need a ring to prove your love to someone, but this jerk didn't get that.

Another mistake I made was signing up for a phone plan with him so that I could save my money. I accidentally broke the first phone and got a replacement immediately. But what bothered me was how he was talking to customer service. He was being disrespectful with the staff and immediately had to apologize for his behavior. He then guilts me again, saying "if you didn't break that phone, I could've gotten a new one for free." Yes, because I just break phones for fun.

And this was only the tip of the iceberg.

He started to flip flop on me when it came to money. He would get angry if I told him I needed money for gas and groceries, to which he said in the beginning of the relationship that he would be able to help me with anything, and blame me for "irresponsible spending." Then he would get angry when I didn't tell him that I needed help. Again, what kind of a person offers to help you then turns around and blames you for asking? A sociopath, that's who.

He was constantly paranoid of everything. He wanted me to be armed excessively with weapons at all times. He was afraid that the government would take away his weapons if they found out he was mentally ill. He threatened to kill any man that even so much as looked at me. He constantly badgered me about what I was doing, where I was going and who I was with. I couldn't even make jokes about the relationship anymore because he would get angry at me. Meanwhile, he made all the jokes he wanted and I was just supposed to take it.

Towards the end of the relationship, he would blow up my phone every day with texts and missed calls. I developed the bad habit of overeating fast food every day to cope and nearly weighed 200 pounds as a result. I grew resentful of the relationship with each passing minute.

The last week of the relationship was a blur. All I remember was that the remains of Hurricane Florence were passing by my region and produced a tornado. He was furious when I told him about it and that I should've told him sooner. I was at work and more worried about my family, seeing as how he was too far away to do anything anyway.

The last straw came when I told him that I would like to keep some things about my life to myself. Again, he got angry and said, "how are we supposed to have a relationship if you won't tell me EVERYTHING?" He tried to cut off contact with me, but broke down immediately when I stopped replying to his texts and calls. This went on for three days until I finally had enough and sent him a text saying I was done with his BS.

He kept begging me for answers and told me I was a coward for breaking up with him through text and that it was my fault that everyone he cut off hated him now. I told him that after we got out of the phone contract to never speak to me again.

I erased his phone number from my contacts and blocked it. I tried to pawn the bracelet and promise ring to try and scrape together any money I could get out of it. The ring and bracelet, according to the pawn shop, said it was basically worthless as it wasn't real jewels and instead made in a lab that the company can mark up later with ridiculous prices. Thank God for eBay.

I sold the jewelry and my phone. All in all, I made around $150. But now I'm saddled with a debt from the phone company that I can't pay and still continue to fight to this day.

For nearly a year, I avoided getting close to anyone, even my friends. I couldn't stand being touched and having people actually be concerned over me. I wanted to be left alone.

Couple that with my mom getting out of her own abusive relationship and staying with me temporarily, my grandmother dying, preparing for graduation and having my finances completely ruined, I haven't been doing much better since. I've had to be prescribed stronger medication and I'm still seeking out therapists that I can afford.

And now, even after a year, he comes back into my life by sending me a message saying that he "forgives me" for breaking up with him. And that "it took him a long time to write this" and "he didn't want to bother me."

If I could block him without the fear of him trying to find me, I would. I still refuse to read the whole message. I've already tried to take the steps I needed to move on and it scares me that he refused to move on the whole time. He still blames me for "messing him up," or at least that's what he's telling his friends to tell me. To be quite honest, he shouldn't be concerned with me at all. I'm not responsible for his happiness and I never will be.

But that's my story about my abusive relationship. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who went through hell like that and unfortunately, I won't be the last one. I just hope that more people can read my story and know when to walk away sooner. I was lucky in that it only took me nine months to get out of a really bad relationship. Some aren't so lucky. Regardless, I hope to one day heal completely and finally put myself out there again when I'm ready.

Thank you for reading this far.

[ammanujuju]

260617

dear diary,

oh my what a day yesterday was. 

the party i talked about wasn’t as good as i thought it was gonna be. when we arrived there were only a few people there. it was kinda awkward, especially since my friends are super awkward. i tried to make the mood a bit lighter, but of course it didn’t work. we sat down by the table, and sat there for a few hours. it got better as more people arrived, but the one who was controlled the music obviously hadn’t done it before, as no one knew what song was playing. oh, and K’s big brother was there, and to make it worse he was hitting on me, AGAIN. he’s done it before, and i rejected him then as i did now. earlier i didn’t want to just because i’m scared and not comfortable with myself, and because i’m not interested lmao, but now i didn’t want to because of K, and the other reasons i just mentioned. 

well, and because a guy started puking all over the floor in the middle of the party, most of us decided to leave. i mean it was smelling awful, even after the host had managed to clean it up, so no one dared to go back inside. we all went outside, and since I knew Kai and his friend was driving I asked him if he could drive us to another party. but then out of nowhere Erica’s friend stopped right next to us, and he told us he could drive us. i told Kai we didn’t need a driver anyways. 

we arrived the party and oh my the awkward air. no one had been drinking expect for a few, including me, so everyone was just sitting there like nothing. sofia told me she could host if we found a driver, and i was up for that since the party was too awkward for me to handle. i asked Kai if he could drive us, and i felt sooo bad becuase it was the third time i had asked. he said they only had room for two people, and since the police were out they didn’t dare to take any more with them. we were like seven people, and i told Sofia i would like to be one of the first to go driving because i didn’t have my jacket with me (and it was like 4 celcius degrees out and i only had my t shirt on me), my phone was dead and since i was getting sober my head was hurting. she said it was alright, and the second i was about to sit in the car, another friend Cristina, said she needed to go before me because her motorcycle was at Sofia’s and she had to go home. of course i couldn’t deny her that, so i let her. if i only knew that it would lead to me, sitting outside waiting for Kai, for 40 minutes straight i would have said no. i could literally feel the cold in my bones, and when i tried to get inside the house the host said his dad was home so he couldn’t let me in. my friend Jennifer had my jacket and it really felt like i was freezing to death. 

Kai finally arrived after 40 minutes, and i was almost crying when i sat in the car. my friend Alice felt so bad for me, but there wasn’t much she could do. i had to apologize to Kai because i had changed my mind so much that night, and to be honest he didn’t look really happy. i felt so bad. i was so cold my whole body was shaking, and when Kai noticed it he said “but why didn’t you say you were only in a t shirt??? now i feel bad” and he held my arms, trying to get some warmth in them. that made me feel a bit bettter.

when we arrived to sofia, my headahce had gotten worse. i usually don’t feel bad that fast, but i don’t know the bad parties that night didn’t help at all. when i arrived inside the livingroom, my eyes widened at the sight of me and sofia’s ex. yep, we have the same ex. let’s call him Karl. i remember the night me and Karl connected, it would probably be one of the best nights of my life, if i still liked him. we were like that for about five weeks, until he sent me a snapchat of him in the same bed as sofia. sofia and i weren’t friends then, but damn i hated her. since i feel everything really intense, i was still in love with him, and i hated sofia with burning passion. after a few weeks, sofia saw me at a party and ran to me crying, asking if Karl ever had been mean to me. i had no idea what had happened, and why she even talked to me. i later found out that Karl had tried to have sex with her, but since she’s not comfortable with herself she said no, and he then blocked her on every social media and cut all contact with her. i didn’t really care, but i later realized if it had been me, i’d probably so heart broken that i probably would still be crushed. so i basically dodged a bullet, and on my birthday in february i asked her if we could talk. we sat in the bathroom, talked for about an hour about how sorry she was for what she did, and i told her it was okay. we’re really good friends now. 

anyways, i saw him there and my face was basically a question mark. i decided not to think about it, so i sat next to Cristina, who still hadn’t gone home because of issuses with her motorcycle. she’s the quiet type, so i enjoyed actually sitting next to her. she’s someone you can just sit around quiet, because she’s not awkward at all, and my headahce was killing me and i just needed to be left alone for a few seconds.

sofia sat next to me and gave me pain killers. we then talked abit before she said “don’t get mad at me, i have to show you something” she showed that she and Karl had a yellow heart on snapchat (#1 best friends for both) and that they had talked for a few weeks. i mean i don’t really care so why should i be mad, but i was just surprised since he hurt both of us really bad, like why would she, unless she still had deep inside some feelings for him?

Kai brought me my cigarettes before i started drinking, and so i had my precious cigarettes with me in my back pocket. it was annoying to see people noticing it and then literally begging on their knees for one cigarette. so because of that, of course Karl ran over to me, hugged me without my permission and said “i heard you had a cigarette, could i please get one?” like bitch no, i haven’t given anyone else one, who do you think you are to actually get one??

when the clock was about 4am, i sent a snapchat to Kai and asked if he was still driving, and he was going to sofia for a bit but he could take me with him when he was leaving. when Kai arrived he and a friend started to bicker, and i think Kai noticed how uncomfortable I was so he said that he was gonna leave and take me with him, which was kinda cute.¨

earlier that night, Kai had sent me a snapchat asking if he could crash at my place, and i told him yes. Erica’s parents were picking her up at 9am so I was gonna stay up all night anyways. Kai first dropped me off at my place, he was gonna arrive later sometime. i got changed, made some pizza and took my painkillers and then suddenly it felt like this night probably wasn’t as bad as i thought.

Kai arrived later, and he was cuddled up to my legs as he watched a random ass childhood show of his he suddenly thought of and just had to watch. then he got all worlds energy inside of his body and started running around the house like crazy, which was tiring since he also chased after me.

kai left at 10am, and i had already been up about 27 hours. my mom was arriving later that day, so i started cleaning the house. i wasn’t finished until 1pm, and i went straight to bed and i did not wake up until five hours ago. i literally slept for 14 hours, i think it speaks for itself.

now i am just laying in bed, considering to make myself some food. i haven’t eaten in days. i considered yesterday, but i was gonna sleep all day anyways so why would i eat lmao?

now that my mom has arrived home i doubt that kai and i will hang out as much as we did. we could if i went to his place, but he never asks and im too introverted to ask lmfao. 

so this was my night, messy as fuck but it ended alright.

by the way, i found this really nice quote which i have to share it with you. i think i’m going to end every post with a quote i like.

you built a cast around your broken heart and signed it yourself. you signed it “they were wrong”