#I really shouldnt get too attached cause he's not like story important and not around and YET

[mushroom-for-art]

Silly thing that like affects nothing but Proto suffers with colorblindness I've decided, specifically Tritanopia, may try to do a color example of normal vs his vision at some point.

Image downloaded from Google images as example ^

[s0lar-nexus]

I love this strange person, they look so cool, and I want more

hi! sorry this took so long, i wanted to draw some portraits real fast so you could put face to name. gonna be introducing the main characters and one important unseen character

steph- the main character and the one i've already posted art for

steph is the leader of the group, he's the one who's overseeing everything and is deciding which direction to go, he's at the front of all the missions and combat although he is not the only one there.

he just tries to not let other people get hurt if he can help it. he fights with modified fireworks, he usually shoots them with a crossbow but has a canon attached to their get away vehicle (he also uses other things if the situation calls for it but usually that's what he uses).

he has a lot of trouble connecting with other people, he has very low self esteem and doesnt care if he lives or dies, this is one of the main reasons he throws himself into dangerous situations, sometimes setting up the situation himself. when he's around people he tries to be loud and fun.

steph is named after staphylococcal syndrome which is a type of infection that causes the skin to look scolded or like it was melted with a hot liquid, this is a reference to his burn scars which was caused by his skin melting

fun facts:

-steph is into more macabre horror and ecto like more realistic or just plain supernatural horror

-steph is very interested in experiences he knows he shouldnt be seeking, like the feeling of taking someone's life or taking his own

-steph is a performer and although his regular shows weren't too crazy he did a lot of underground shows with high stakes, the mouth at his stomach came from his mutation reacting to a fatal wound caused by a saw blade that broke loose. steph wasn't the same after experiencing that high.

-steph got a LOT of money from the underground shows

ecto- steph's older sister, she died in steph's backstory

ecto raised steph since they moved homes too often to get a genuine parental figure, neither knows why they were moving homes but just accepted it as a fact of their life. the dynamic of mother and child followed them as they got older as it was really the only form of connection they had for such a huge portion of their life, only ecto managed to branch out before being an adult.

ecto likes true crime and the supernatural (i added it as a pun on her name). she is confident and knows when to put her foot down, she had to grow up very quickly but still has a very stupid sense of humor.

ecto is named after Ectrodactyly which is a mutation in the hands and feet that causes the bones the grow in unnatural ways, also called lobster syndrome if you wanted a better mental picture of how that works. chose this name because it was he hands that grew into her throat and cut off the head and lungs as she was twisting around during her mutation

cotaro/corey- ecto's boyfriend

fun facts:

-ecto got steph into spooky stories and every halloween they watch horror movies together

-ecto is trans

-ecto doesn't mind being a mother figure for steph, she is just happy she was able to be there for him and they never drifted apart

-ecto knew a little bit before the actual mutation that she was gonna mutate and tried to get away from steph incase something terrible happened. however she failed and steph saw the whole thing

cotaro is like a father figure for steph, since he was dating ecto he naturally got to know steph although steph isnt that open with him. steph did save his life thought, rushing him to the lab after he started to mutate, if the mutation continued he would've cracked his spine and be completely immobile, eventually dying since he wouldn't have a way to take care of himself, since the main source of mutation is in the flesh with bones being able to mutate but barely fight back when being corrected, the only thing left of his mutation is a horn on the right side of his head (his right).

corey himself is rather chill and like video games, he cares deeply about his friends and family and isnt afraid to say it, he prefers not to talk about himself and usually keeps his problems to himself, he only ever talked about them to ecto, ever since he became a skeleton he's struggled with mortality, he's unsure of whether or not he's immortal or is going to start decaying any moment. usually switching between them based on his mood, when one thing upsets him usually everything else follows even if they aren't related. he also forgets to take care of this because of these feelings

his name comes from cotard syndrome which is when someone believes they are dead or dying,

fun facts:

-corey's favorite game series is legend of zelda

-he actually doesn't mind how he looks as a skeleton, though he does miss having hair

-he had brown hair as a human and typically just wore a blue hoodie

-he likes his new outfit, the only reason he didn't dress like that before was because he didn't wanna be made fun of, being a skeleton kinda erased that fear

-ecto was the one who asked him out and he nearly cried when she did

tero- steph's only friend and the scientist of the group

ehetero is a prodigy in his field and used to be the head scientist for a group that took on secret projects which often times were extremely dangerous and tedious, however he found this extremely boring and ran off to make his own lab where he could conduct his own experiments. getting funding from large companies and paying police to look the other way at the more unlawful parts.

tero's appearance isn't caused my mutations, they are the result of lab accidents and self experimentation. he has brain damage from toxic fumes and usually switches so rapidly between emotional extremes he can go from yelling about how he feels the world is basically dead to laughing about something he thought of in the same breath. also the emotions he shows with his body language and tone can be entirely different from what he's actually saying and meaning in rare situations. despite all of that he is still very smart and takes his job seriously.

he is pretty close with steph who reached out to him to request his help in finding a cure to the sudden mutations spreading around. tero took interest in steph's unique mutations and personality and they hit it off fairly well. steph feels comfortable to be open with tero in a way he isn't with anyone else since tero is objectively more unsual and sorta fucked up than steph is, so the fear of judgement isn't really present around tero.

tero is named after teratomas which is a type of tumor that grows teeth, can lead to teeth growing in places like the brain and can cause rows of teeth to form in the mouth like a shark, this is foreshadowing to his future mutations later in the story. (the picture shown is how he was before then)

fun facts:

-tero is very fond of fashion, hence why he wears his lab coat in an overly dramatic way, he also designed steph's costume

-tero has robot legs due to a lab accident

-tero gave himself brain damage resulting in the dramatic mood swings after breathing in toxic fumes while working

-the weird colors in his eyes and the ears are not the result of a mutation, he just experiments on himself for fun

-nobody likes playing scrabble with him

i hope you enjoyed reading this!

[josieandthepussycatsofficial]

i have done my classic thing: i have started pride and prejudice 2005, i am 7 minutes in, and i am disgusting with this bastardization of the text

my liveblogs below the cut

elizabeth is a man-hating love-hater? not according to any book jane austen wrote!

elizabeth is too silly and improper, mrs bennet, kitty, and lydia are not at all silly enough

this sucks

lizzy is upset that mr darcy didnt find her attractive? that is a devastating mischaracterization and sets the whole plot and their relationship off on terrible and incorrect footing.

also wtf are they sitting under some benches at a dance?

hate that darcy immediately looks at elizabeth (in a way we’re meant to assume means he finds her attractive) as if his attraction to her comes from her initially from her appearance. he really was not interested in her until he began observing her behavior and interacting with he

when mrs bennet says, “it’s a shame [charlotte lucas] isn’t more handsome,” a terribly improper and humiliating thing to say, mr bingley snorts a laugh. mr bingley is not supposed to be improper at all. he has good breeding, he’s rich, he’s just also very nice and friendly. he would never laugh at that

i do not know enough about the regency era to comment, but it seems to me that there are certain liberties with historical accuracy wrt clothing and such in this film that you don’t see in the bbc miniseries. for instance, elizabeth coming to netherfield with her hair down? i don’t believe women ever wore their hair down at this time (*edit* the bbc series and this movie take place in different periods. bbc series: 1813, movie: 1797)

why is mr bingley so awkward? i mean i know why, it’s to make him seem charming and unthreatening and cute and relatable or whatever, but it’s just inconsistent. his character is extremely warm, friendly, polite, not terribly intellectual, but not a bumbling mess who can’t execute a thought without backtracking because he’s so nervous around his lady love

the book has comedy to spare, you don’t have to cheaply manufacture it in this way just because the director’s scared that his audience won’t understand the original humor/scared that he won’t have the ability to make the original humor understood/doesn’t understand the original humor himself because he doesn’t understand the source material!!

i also hate the sharpness and vitriol that this darcy puts in his language. he’s supposed to be uber-polite but cold and haughty. propriety doesn’t permit active hostility (such as when he’s bemoaning the liberal use of the word “accomplished” when applied to women) in regular conversation. that’s intense and insane 

why does he speak so quickly? also they really should not have cut the whole netherfield drawing room scene, at least not the conversation between darcy and elizabeth about teasing and pride. they actually now that i think about it cut his whole thing on how a great man can never be too prideful. that’s really fuckin important character stuff! for both of them!

the comedy in this mr collins scene is not landing. they’re like laughing at him before he’s gotten too outrageous. and the actor is such a quiet, mild-mannered dude that he’s not really grating as he should be. this is supposed to be an extraordinarily annoying character, so annoying that the bennets can’t stand him for literally one meal.

ugh they have mrs bennet suggest to mr collins that he should pursue lizzy instead of jane. that’s not out of character for her at all but it misses the opportunity to show how scuzzy mr collins is, and also how fucking little he cares about who his wife is, assuming she meets the criteria of lady catherine de bourgh

ew mr wickham is so skeevy! lizzy’s into him because he’s hot and picked up her handkerchief? that’s it? is she an idiot? he’s not charming or good-natured or fun or funny at all. lydia: he’s a lieutenant! wickham: an enchanted lieutenant (referring to being enchanted to meet lizzy). like scream! what a gross pick up line!!!!)

and their flirtation is based on banter (no!) and him being self-deprecating (maybe, but not in such an obvious way “ignore me i’m next to nothing” what a fucking weird thing to say)

he literally charms her by pulling a quarter out of her sister’s ear. are you kidding? is she 8?

this dance scene btw elizabeth and darcy is all wrong. she immediately jumps on him with “it’s your turn to say something” after it’s been .1 seconds since he last spoke, and he spoke way more amiably (”indeed, most invigorating”) than would be his wont.

oh my god they’ve stopped dancing to angrily talk to each other in the middle of the dance floor? this is so incoherent with the characters (so improper!) and the time period. just cultivating more drama. this scene’s already juicy, they don’t have to be spitting angrily into each other’s mouths for it to come across

so silly and melodramatic that twice in this movie the entirety of a loud crowded drunken ballroom has screeched to a halting silence immediately for some minor drama. the first being the bingleys and mr darcy simply entering the room. the second being mr collins introducing himself to mr darcy (that one is especially ridiculous)

oh god why are they portraying mr collins as so sympathetic and sweet? he’s a fucking asshole! he’s not just annoying he’s a dick! that’s important, otherwise elizabeth is really unjustly mean to him, especially while she’s rejecting his proposal

oh i disagree with the way they play charlotte’s reasons for marrying mr collins. instead of her just not being romantic and marrying for practical reasons because that’s her nature, they make it a biiig thing like she has to marry because she’s old and ugly and otherwise she’ll go to the poorhouse

it’s not surprising that a lot of my critiques have to do with them pumping drama that doesn’t make sense into the story. making characters shout or spit words etc, because of course that’s what a hollywood film was going to do with a 19th century novel of manners

i guess i should say some good things about this movie. the cinematography is very lovely, obviously. i think it’s well cast, especially judi dench, with the exception of kiera knightley and the actor who plays mr collins. i think matthew mcfayden could’ve been a great darcy had he actually known anything about the character beyond the script

actually i take it back, judi dench isn’t quite amping up the ridiculous nature of this character like she should. they keep a lot of her silly lines but she doesn’t hit them to emphasize just how silly they are. she’s almost too stately to play this woman who, despite her great rank, enjoys spending her time being condescending to lower rank people

here comes my agreement with the grand critique of this movie: they make darcy out to be socially awkward rather than a haughty ass. he’s leaning in and whispering that he has trouble conversing with people, as if he means he has social anxiety and doesn’t mean, “small talk with simpletons bores me”

oh no they cut the delicious piano practice scene! they rewrote it and lizzy just says, “you should practice,” and we don’t get to have this famous, witty misunderstanding that elucidates darcy’s character so well!!!

oh no no no in this scene where colonel fitzwilliam tells lizzy that darcy split up bingleys attachment he tells her that the problem wasn’t the lack of fortune but the family! why?????? that’s half of the big reveal of darcy’s letter????? it’s when she realizes that oh his intentions weren’t so bad

i know i already said it but fuck darcy speaks fast. it sounds like shit. why doesn’t he just shut the fuck up and slow down? it’s weirdly inconsistent with his character. though i guess if they’re trying to rewrite him as socially awkward this could be part of that. but they shouldnt be! because it invalidates the whole premise of the story, their romance, and his character arc!

whoa whoa whoa and in the proposal scene when she says “why did you propose by telling me you’re doing this against your better judgement” he interrupted apologetically, trying to explain. what!!! no!!! he is an asshole! he’s insulted that this low rank woman would dare reject him. he didn’t suspect for one instant that she would. he’s fucking fuming from her first word

wow they’re chopping up this iconic proposal scene huh. i guess to make darcy still seem like a Nice Guy. he didn’t get to accuse her of only rejecting him because she was insulted by his proposal, she had to say that line. this movie is like, let’s make lizzy seem as insane as possible, and darcy as sweet as can be.

you’re not supposed to realize how wrong lizzy is, it’s supposed to creep up on you very slowly. youre supposed to feel like she’s been very reasonable up to this point, and you’re as shocked as she is when she reads the letter.

even his face! so shocked and sad like a kicked puppy standing there in the rain (we won’t even touch why the fuck they’re standing outside in the pouring rain). he’s angry right now! he’s so mad! he’s supposed to be fucking mad, because he’s a proud, arrogant, asshole!

oh my god and look he’s saying the lack of fortune of the bennets had nothing to do with it, and lizzy wow she’s sooo crazy for suggesting it, even though 20 seconds ago he just said it sucks that i’m in love with you ‘cause you’re so low class. god this scene sucks

there’s a reason this is all written in a letter in the book, it works much better that way. this is not a back and forth, lizzy doesn’t get to ask questions and poke holes. he offers his defenses and is still kind of a dick, and lizzy has to read it all without responding or rejecting it, really has to sit with it, the way you can’t do in a fight

oh and he just apologized for accurately noting that elizabeth’s family is often really disgustingly improper! how fucking out of character! both in general and in the scene because, and i can’t stress this enough, HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ANGRY

oh ok i have to redact some of my former criticism. he finally gets mad at the very end here, and makes the comment about “did you expect me to rejoice in your low birth?” though he still didnt say the crucial “perhaps you would have accepted had not the manner of proposal offended you”

wait what the fuck??? did they just lean in for a kiss and lean away?? like a whole, i’m angry at you i’m hot for you let’s fuck thing? what the fuck? not only is that cheap romance melodrama but also lizzy HATES this man. not like oops i love-i mean hate you but really hates him

why do they choose to have elizabeth not tell jane about the proposal? i can’t imagine there being any reason? except of course that’s she’s secretly already in love with him and doesn’t want to admit it! gag

this scene between elizabeth and mr bennet about lydia going off with the forsters is well done imo

ugh god but they’ve given lizzy’s “what are young men to rocks and mountains?” line to mary, making it seem stupid and platitudinal, because that’s mary’s character

oh good, elizabeth is going on another “all men are trash” rant that is a thinly veiled reference to darcy. they’re just fucking taking a wrecking ball to this character’s credibility and intelligence huh?

this is really devastating actually because at this point the movie is telling us that lizzy is fighting through the anger and hate and realizing she loves darcy, after their sexy confrontation and his letter. in reality, she’s realized she was wrong and is doing some deep self-reflection.

she feels a little sheepish about how she boldly she accused darcy of things she was so wrong about but she still isn’t in love with him because he’s still a fucking proud ass! he just happened to be right about some shit that she was too prejudiced to realize

it doesn’t make sense if she falls in love with him before he grows and becomes a good person. it shows a weakness of character on her part and makes his eventual character growth just a cherry on top. oh that’s nice, they’re in love *and* he’s not gonna treat her like shit. totally invalidates the whole point of the story, overcoming personal defaults and finding healthy love that way

wow they make lizzy so stupid! she objects so stupidly to visiting pemberly! oh let’s not. he’s so…. he’s so… he’s so rich! wtf are you talking about? in the book she’s just kind of like eh idk…. do you really want to go? i guess if you think we should go… oh he won’t be there? oh cool let’s do it

ok so i’m 1:21:54 into the movie. i have 45 minutes left. i’m stopping. i’m angry and getting no joy from this so. this was a humiliating project for me, thinking i could enjoy this movie. never again

[starwarslegacies]

Survey Says, Part IV, Finale

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to get people to fill out a survey which I do 1-3 times a year, these often do have impact in choosing how the sim moves forward.  Bit behind on these results like many other things!

Believe we’re on question #10

10 asked, Events: What do you prefer? (Can choose more than one)

78% PVE, blend of combat and story

63.4% PVP

63.4% PVE, primarily story

58.8% Social, Pazaak, Racing,etc

31.7% PVE, combat focused.

Can see above we have a fairly diverse player base in what they like to do.  We’re a bit short on storytellers right now so if you or someone you know may fit that role, do let me know.

Then #11 asked “ What social event would you like to see more of?”

By far the favorites here were Swoop Racing and Fights.  The downside to swoop racing is that everytime someone loads into sim it causes a few second delay for everyone, but if people are willing to deal with that we can definitely hold more races.   As for the fights we have a “Pit Fighting League” under construction in which people will be able to earn credits by having sanctioned matches which they can do at any time and submit logs (though limited in how many they can do). It will also have tournaments and champions.  Every fight done can potentially increase someones placing within the league to lead to bigger prizes at the end of the season.  Still seeking some help managing this.  Pazaak didn’t get as much love but we do like doing those as they are an easy social thing to throw together.  Some of the other answers included a desire to see more tech rolls in the events, then someone mentioned more like Sume’s Valentine day event, then someone even mentioned music.   We’re open to ideas and do support players who want to run something.

Last thing we asked was #12: Any other general thoughts you'd like to share? Please keep brief/to the point. 

Lot of responses so I’ll select a few without getting redundant.

“Ensure that the system you have in place does not need certain players online. I.E, Ive been trying to get my Imperial I.D, and cannot. “ - Anon#1

I think this was fixed so that there is an automated version?

“ I’d love to see the trash piles spawn more often and/or give out more resources. This is invaluable to new players, as gaining credits was quite tough for me and many others at first. The trash is a good way to start up from nothing, but I feel it should spawn slightly more than 1-10 Credits or 1 crafting resource; especially with how rare they are right now. “ - Anon#2

I agree, been asking Renward about this type of thing but he’s been very busy.

“ when chars are arrested very little if any rp is done after the initial arrest. No interrogation. No release. This needs to change. “ - Anon#3

I find captures are often very hit or miss.

“ I have never RP'd anywhere else before and this is the most fun I have had on Secondlife so far in 11 years. The main draw of this sim to me is the amount of people who actively use it. I could not see myself RPing in a sim with a low amount of active players. Getting new players and retaining old players is the most important thing to me. I have no real ideas on how to do this though. Good luck!” - Anon#4

Thank you, we do our best with that, sometimes more difficult than others but we’ve been able to maintain for around half a decade, let’s go for a whole one :d

“ I loveloveLOVE the build but I noticed it's very graphics laggy. I also noticed that while you use teleporters to essentially skyboxes with the building interiors, those interiors are still directly behind the building facades. If you moved them out of draw distance and spaced them out, the sim would be a lot easier to render for everyone. Less lag, higher framerates, more fun! “ - Anon#5

The reason I do tend to do this is I find if something is out of cam range, people are less likely to enter, you do give a valid argument though and will consider further.

“ Having mentors/mediators would be really helpful to take a lot of the load off the staff on sim. So then they can focus on the cool stuff, like building the lore, and actual problems. “ - #Anon#6

Yeah, would like to find a few more.

“ I'm concerned about the system being an element that pulls players from the immersion of their RP. As medical personnel i'm also still concerned with the 'reset' feature on health causing individuals to not be prompted to seek medical attention for their injuries. It is a handy system for varying stats, offering abilities and providing a more structured combat basis but it would be helpful if there was an easier application for it than typing in commands. If there were an attachable HUD for the Chimera available upon entry to the sim which offered either buttons for Chimera options or a drop-down menu to choose from it might help expedite system use in combat, speed up combat, and make the experience more enjoyable overall. Spending hours in combat can sometimes be exhausting and take away from time desired for other aspects of RP. “ - #Anon7

Post this, we did take action about the reset button and have taken a few other steps as well to increase realistic recovery from injury and people using medical services.  May still see more in this area.

“ With regards to conscent, reasonable right to life and consequence. Dont do something that would get you arrested, and deny consent. “ - #Anon8

Yeah, would agree on that, you may see changes in that area very soon.  We’re behind on many things we’d like to do.

“ I feel like I’d personally be more invested if there was more for the Jedi to do. So far all we have to do is be captured or whatnot. It was fun for a bit but I think a lack of leadership for a while has made it hard. I hope this changes soon. “ - #Anon9

It is a difficult era for Jedi players, we knew that going in but we wanted to try something different. We are always shaking things up though so you could see things evolve in the future.

“ Lot of trolls get into the sim/rp. Gets a bit annoying. Might just be an issue all over SL, though. “ #Anon10

It is, but I find “trolls” are fairly easy to tune out/ignore/etc. The only time trolls have power is when people take the bait and react. They usually knock it off once they know it doesn’t get to you.  To use my own example a few used to give me a hard time for engaging in sexual roleplay, they would take pictures and IM me these pictures. I laughed, and just got more lewd, like who cares? and they stopped making a thing of it.. so I just find trolls pretty easy to ward off or ignore. Always more concerned with those who create and stir drama than I am with trolls.  Drama kills sim dead, trolling is just irritating.

“ Well , if you ask to me , there should be much more various social events .. Also before the events such as pazaak there should be courses before he game night so people could have an idea about what they are doing . About the groups , you shouldnt bring some strangers as directors , you should pick them from the group according to their activeness. Also you should appreciate or make a system to appreciate employees such as [redacted] employees .. I have been in group for two months i think and i am still security guard. No rank-ups .. And i have been coming online and standing as a guard almost everyday . Thanks for your patience and reading this. Good luck about the sim.. “ - #Anon11

If there are those who have been active and also have leadership ability then they will be.  Having the skills needed for leadership is not something every active player has.  This could be because their temper is too short, or maybe they do not work well with other group leads to be able to create interactive roleplay, or maybe they just are lazy or a variety of other reasons.  If we have someone who handles lead roles well, yes, at times they will leap frog if there isn’t a suitable candidate within X group.

“ If there is a time jump done, people need a way to get the most out of the 5+ year missing time. Something to encourage them to write up story for their characters for that time. After they've done so and handed it in, could lead towards special rewards for their character or the player. Something to think over. “ - #Anon12

I very much like this idea if we ever have one of those.  There currently is not one planned but like I’ve said, we’re always willing to change and adapt to do what’s best for activity.

----

DONE. Thank you to everyone who filled it out, really enjoy the feedback as it helps us figure how we can improve things for you all.

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 8

I'm trying to clear him the memory of me Maybe tainted I've had that phrase in my head a few seconds too long to not have felt something, and I definitely felt our hearts connect on that street corner while you whispered in the village to me but that was in an alternate timeline, if I hadn't been so closed off and guarded I would have given you all my time to whisper to me...I wanted to hear. Deserving complex. Not in the mood. Gotta tend to the injured Tendency tending trend pending Just a little velvet stack with stone to ward off my regret Coming through my front door waiting for me since before I got home, won't hurt me just be nice and don't be scary even if that really is who she wants to be she will leave.. Ill leave if you don't want me!!!! Hope you can hear me crying as I walk away. Trying to clear me the memory of him..I have a few attachments but I wouldn't say I fucked too many I fucked up i shouldnt have said anything. Who are you?? My right hip Is needing to see hibiscus tea and cold showers, hot sun in Mexico > CONTENT WARNING EATING DISORDERS Part of building on my eternal self and accepting that's am an eternal spiritual being with habitual headaches and a caffeine fixation subconscious limitations. I'm so...sore and i hate everything. I'm trying to come to terms with my eating disorder patterns its really hard for me. I dont accept what I eat it doesn't it isn't making me feel good. The next in thing is being fat. So that makes it okay. Its hard for me to accept this is a very real part of my personality, that at times is all consuming. Just freaking out about how much weight I'm waifnfb gaining how little I used to weigh. Sometimes I think I want to starve and not eat or even make myself vomit up what I do eat. I couldn't stop eating. I still can't stop eating. Just obsessions with my body proportions. I feel so alone. I want to keep myself the way I am and not loose weight for subconscious reasons. Should I lose weight? I would like to lose a little bit of weight.. I would like to feel good and energized...I eat and eat....and eat...I want it to be enough but it never is. I'm scared that if I get a boyfriend they are going to know about my eating issues because I am making them public. I'm so tired and alone. They will love me for overcoming my struggle. This is Ariel. First he will love me for it then he will leave me for an anorexic girl because she's thin and that's the part of him hes missing!!!!I am already afraid of this and we haven't even started a relationship as it would be. We fucked last weekend. This is why I get so anxious around people that I like romantically. Because I get obsessive and start planning our future together!!! Like immediately and there's just no stopping me. This is why I have so many failed relationships. Normal in this day and age but I still want to not be walking around with my head damn near cut off. Man I would love someone to cuddle with right now. You know who else I want to kiss? Natalie Its wrong to want fame its selfish and shallow. Its just wrong! I want to kiss Natalie Cause it looks more normal recurring themes and recurring dreams dream girl normal all people feel this way. All people feel this way. Everyone feels this way I still get the thoughts creeping in..counting calories and comparing the smoothness of my curves. I feel lumpy but when I look in the mirror I think I look pretty sexy..just a tiny bit lumpy. Thinking about the number I weigh. Thinking about skipping meals because that's the spiritual thing to do...and besides most food is contaminated anywho...I believe in miracles and god bless me for making it out alive when I weighed 85 pounds and almost had a heart attack sadness shortness of breath, I am not one to waste my life its just sometimes hard to pick myself up and go when I've been ignored by my parents who love me the most. And everyone seems it but still we all see it all the carefully selected bodies of models that are definitely sending out the vibe to you of "be cool be like me and you'll be happy". Something has to make it okay to be as you are, in any form. Or maybe you already feel that way but you just need someone to push you into the sweetwater still lake. Try hard to be cool die hard. Try hard to be well liked might as well. Isn't your vision more important? You care about all these important things. When you're eating its a thought, and a body, the food is being introduced into your being. Modern NYC seems to have a lot of people in their mental field so I'd ask everyone to feel into their body for just a little bit. That's the most important thing, and that's just a little love for your thoughts and your body. It feels. No i bet you never heard A blues like this from a lady no no I bet you never heard A blues like this from a lady have you? It may grow old and its still the same old story It will unfold No you don't know what its like, to pick your fights as a lady my friend No you don't know what its like, to pick your fights as a lady my friend Walk with me when you can see the reason for my blues Walking down the street see them men turn their heads to get a look at me Know rightfully I feel a scary its like they all want my pink thing They can't control they need another soul and its not me They all want my pussy If I was to switch the polarity it would look like this. My release was meant to be done in private. I am not going crazy. The nerve in my back is getting better. I have to focus on anything that's okay to focus on and that might not be much but ill take it I think the greatest poetry I will ever write will be because of my friends and loved ones. I can't stand the thought of walking this earth alone anymore. Its true that I feel like a lot of the magic I discovered on earth, I was able to find by isolating myself and separating myself from many of the illusions society maintains in doing so.. But now I know that I am susceptible to drowning in my own illusions and narcissistic thoughts, and I don't want to walk this earth alone anymore. I want a partner. I feel him in my chest Its hard to think of what it would be like if it collapsed and it was revealed that all I really wanted was a boost because I thought it would make me famous and adored. Like I always wanted. I would rupture and burst into tears if that was true. Because I feel him in my chest and I would rather have a lover I can trust than be famous or whatever it is I'm really craving when imagine myself performing, or being interviewed or anything. It all comes back around. My thoughts are vacant floating around. Sound humble humbling. Mumbling. I need to know the truth. I love you Why am I afraid of spending and making money? I'm more weird with making money. I hate feeling necessity for something I consider evil. I want money. I think it's wrong that I can have money because i manif I have to be constantly writing because that's what I do and I get paid by the universe motherrfuckersss I have to be constantly writing cause well.....what else would I do?? I have to cause there's messages in my soul and my body that are desperate to escape and see the light of day, know the night I can live in my thoughts, I can come out in the world. I have always believed that the universe and my soul were inseparable. I think I've always felt that way. Its definitely been a few years I can't even handle this thought rn. False sense of importance is an illusion. Should I tell people what. I'm seeing? Wait what?fuck yes you should. Constantly living in the thoughts of "if it were perfect it would be". I keep checking facebook cause that's more entertaining to me than writing but u also feel like I have a lot of thoughts to express ideas that need releasing. I'm obsessed with synchronicity to the point where I think about synchronicities happening in my head that never happen...and kind of get sad when they don't. I get sad cause...that's what I want but I gotta let it come to me. I can accept that life is messy and everybody shits and pisses. What makes life worth it is the people.  .. I really feel like my consciousness is so great of a gift I am humbled and awed to have access to so many thoughts, some I like more than others. I want to gift this consciousness to anyone who would benefit from it. Its hard to not worry about what people think of me but...its all just thought and I am sovereign in my mind.. Haha I'm such a stoner. Whatever Boys I got all of them they want all of me I only give my heart to my tall blonde friend my tall blonde man my tall blonde man my tall blonde man doesn't make any money that doesn't see me Comparing is caring He's a man I knew another who offered me his heart in exchange for my pussy on stage saying lets start a revolution staying home and neighbor fearing we can't have it be ing I can't see his being there's no revolution It wasn't you it wasn't him it wasn't you it wasn't him And I stomped on his heart stomped on his heart But I'm still scared of what's he gonna say about me? Cause I stomped on his heart. And hes weak