#I reallly really should go to therapy but starting seems to hard.

[sleeplessinseattlee]

I always feel like I’m just half a person. everyone else is more of a person than me. I’m just sort of here and I’m not doing it right

[hello-hello-hello-hello]

Please, please, please, read this. Please. I need help. I need really bad help. Someone. Please. Just. Respond. Say. Something.

I know that I am shamelessly begging here but I reallly need someone to just say something to me. To actually read all of this and respond, and care.

I am at the end of my ropes here. I can’t live like this anymore

Erm. Hi,

I randomly started this new tumblr because I needed a place to talk. I can’t keep this inside of me anymore and needed a space where people don’t know me, who I am.

It’s been really really really bad this past....I don’t even know where to start? Years? Months? Weeks?

I know, know I can’t keep this up but I don’t know how to stop. How to start being a functional person, every time I go back into my old habits and I know I can’t do that but at the same time I don’t stop.

....A lot of what I am going to say now is really bad stuff and I already feel anxious, self-conscious about saying it but I really need to get this out

It’s getting so bad and affecting my life and I know I need to change.

I don’t even remember the last time I showered. Must be months. Yes, yes. I know it’s absolutely disgusting and I hate it so much but every time, I push myself to shower. I never make that step. Always make another excuse and I hate hate it so much. I don’t know why I am like thsi. I want to shower. I want to clean but I never do it and I hate it.

I always put things last minute. All of my revision and exams. I wasn’t always like thsi. I was digilent and used to revise so hard but suddenly....it stopped. And now, I cram. And so last minute. And by, last minute, I’m not talking about the night before but literally two hours before. Walking to school, or on the bus. And it’s so so bad and I WANT TO STOP THIS

I want to revise properly before hand but everytime, I do an excuse Or I say, I will do it next time or. I think about how/what I will revise but never do it.

It’s not the distractions. Even when, all the distractions are gone. I cant bring myself to revise. I just. Sit there and do nothing!

It’s so fucking annoying. And I hate it. I don’t know why I waste time and everything like this

And every last minute, I always panic and get stress because!! I know I haven’t revised and I haven’t done the work because of my own fault but I still cry and panic like it wasn’t my fault and that i never meant to and I just hate myself so so so so much.

I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to get up. I don’t even get up to eat when I am hungry. I delay everything. I put everything to last minute. I don’t want to go outside. Every excuse I get, I stay in bed and make sure that I don’t get up.

And I waste time, reading and writing and doing all kind of shit that’s not proactive. I bury myself in entertainment to not think about my problems and everything

And I alwways sleep. I am always sleeping.

It’s not just that

There are days where I can’t bring myself to like anything. To feel anything. And everything becomes grey. I don’t care about anything. I just wanna sit and think about nothing, do nothing—I want time to pass

And I hate those moments. I hate them because there’s no feelings inside of me. I feel so...nothing.

And even, every time I stress or panic about a homework I didn’t do, or a test I didn’t revise for—I always get over it quickly. I dont care about it afterwards and go back into my old patterns and I HATE THAT

I don’t eat when I should. I’m starving and still, I can’t fucking get up to make myself something

I don’t know if it’s laziness. It feels like I am being lazy and that I am trying to find excuses, hiding behind labels

It feels like everything I do, I fail. I am doing everything wrong and I should care and o fucking care so much sometimes that I feel like I’m going to choke on it but sometimes I don’t care, I ignore it, I bury myself in distractions and it feels like it all goes away but—

—it never does.

I also just want to die. I have thought of countless ways of suicide. I don’t think my life means anything. I don’t think there’s a reason for me to life. I’m just drifting. I don’t have purpose or ambition like my friends or people. I don’t really want anything. I don’t want to put effort in for me to survive. I don’t want to put effort for me to live.

It just seems like so much for nothing. A waste of anything.

But I can’t die. I cant bring myself to do that last thing. I always google or the ways to die, if it will hurt. The easiest.

And. The thing is, I hate pain. I hate pain so much. So I have never self-harmed. I just want a quick and harmless death but I am scared, I don’t think I can die like this. Just overdose, there’s so many possibilities that my head is running through that makes me stop

But i never stop thinking about it. Living my life, hoping that some car would kill me or that I would die before I finish my a levels. Before I do my proper exams.

I just don’t want to live

I don’t want to put in effort for anything. I don’t care about anything.

Of course, I want to get good results but I don’t care. I don’t care. I honestly chose a levels because of the law that you had to continue studying ‘till 18, but I don’t think I can do this anymore

I am barely scraping by

I am not doing the hwk properly. I procrastinate every minute. And get so fucking scared and stress out at how I am not doing work

And I don’t feel anything. Sometimes I feel so damn numb and I hate it

I hate everything

I hate my life

I want to go to therapy, I want to try it but I can’t bring myself to make that step. I don’t want to ask my mom, because I don’t think she’ll understand—just think i am being lazy. And I don’t know how to talk about this. About myself to real life people.

I never did before

But I know this can’t be going on

I know I can’t live like this

That I shouldn’t be wanting to live like this

I just feel like if I ever tell someone, they’re not going to get it. They are not going to understand, they aren’t....

They just going to look at that the bad stuff and say how disgusting I am (I know I know I know) I just—

It thought of many way I would tell people in my head but I could never bring it up in real life. I hate it. I hate the way I am. The way I am living. I hate how unhigenic I am. I hate how dirty my room is. I hate how passive I am.

But I don’t know how to tell someone, I don’t know how to speak to people about this

I don’t think they will get it, or if they will understand and not judge me for how disgusting my lifestyle is

I don’t want to live. At all. But I can’t even have that, I can’t even have that and I hate everything so much

I used to be religious and pray and believe in God and now that has left me too and I can’t ever bring that subject to my Mom or family because religion is a big thing in my life and family and they wouldn’t never understand at how I can’t bring myself to care about anything

And that....I don’t want to go to Hell. What if there is a Hell? What if there is a God? I don’t want to die and then be damned for all enertiny in hell and pain and agony

This may seem like a petty thing but how the heck do you know which religion is the correct one. How do you live. There’s so many things and I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t want to die and then, go to hell. I hate that I was alive in the first place, I wish I never was born. I wish that I could die right now

I just don’t know how to live anymore

I am misssed a lot of school too. I was really ill for the past two weeks but I am not right now and I have a major test today but I am missing that because I haven’t properly revised and I am losing panic over that. And I haven’t even eaten properly this whole....I don’t even know. Year? Years?

Please, I just want someone to tell me how to stop this

I don’t even think that people are even going to read to here

But. If you did. Thank you so much, for taking your time. I really appreciate it. It means so much.

Also I know that if I didn’t get anything down right now, I will just get over this moment of panic and crying and stuff and that the best moment, I will bury it and then convince myself that everything is fine and good

But it’s not

I can’t live like this anymore

I don’t want to

I really reallly rellly want to tell someone but I can’t. I cant bring myself. When I ever I think of actually telling someone, I have the worst feeling ever like my life would be over and I will never be able to get over this if I do that. That everything will change and that I can’t take that back

And I am so scared and hate that so much

There’s so many things that can go wrong and bad and I want to say here. I want to stay here in bed and not take that step. Because either way, I think it’s going to go bad. And this way, thsi way with me not spilling to someone and being lien thsi...

It feels way better

I don’t want to admit to it, to someone reall, someone in real life because that means that....exposing myself. And I can’t do that. I cant. I cant I cant

I did try once. For something minisule. A thoughts that’s being bothering me and I couldn’t even say it. I had to write it down and still, I was trembling and feeling so worse but did do it.

I don’t think that I can do for something as big as this

I don’t want to tell my mom—forget my dad, I could never think of telling him anything about this. We are not close at all—or my siblings, or family.

The people/person I have in mind are my friends. If I said that there was something wrong. They would take me seriously and listen. But thing is.... I don’t want to burden them. I don’t want to burden them but also I don’t want to tell them this because I feel like it’s too much?? Like I feel like it’s not something that is acceptable. Not showering or brushing teeth or not cleaning my room that’s fucking disgusting.

How could I tell anyone that?

How could I face someone after I confess that?

My family already knows I am like that but they think I am being so lazy and what not. And I don’t think I can just go up to my mom and say I can’t psychically bring myself to do that and I want to do but I can’t and I don’t know why

....it’s so honest. Too real. It has weight.

And i don’t fucking know what to do

I want anyone, anyone please at least to say something? Anything?

That’d be a great start

That’d be really nice

Just. Anything

Please

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.