#I probably have BPD but my therapist is like 'well you don't do the cutting off part so meh'

[gayluigi]

[sniffanimal]

I think something the self diagnosis discourse has missed the forest for the trees. There's something I've basically never seen come up in posts discussing the pros and cons of self diagnosis that I think is actually rather integral to the whole thing! That being: labeling your lived experience matters far less than your lived experience.

What I mean by this, is that labels like ADHD, Autistic, BPD, Depression, etc can feel comfortable, and can *help* you find resources or a community. But at the end of the day, the thing that actually matters is if that resource or community actually helps you or not.

And, disclaiming right up front, this isn't a post about if you should or shouldn't self diagnose yourself. I'm not a psychologist! I have no clue what's going on with you. And I know there's barriers for many reasons on if someone can or desires to seek a professional diagnosis. That's not the point here. The point here is what do you do once you've got that diagnosis (self-determined or otherwise).

More nuance+resources+sources on some stuff below the cut.

I'm going to talk mostly from the point of view about ADHD/Autistic experiences since I think that broadly covers a larger part of the whole thing that this is about, and is also included in my lived experience, as well as the people I support and work with for my job. But all this can also apply to people with personality disorders and mood disorders, and probably some other stuff.

I personally think "Do I have ADHD?" is a useless question. It can be really relieving to have something to explain why you experience things, or why your brain works a certain way. But ultimately "How do I manage this symptom/behavior/emotion/etc" is the much better question. If you watch a video that says "if you are constantly forgetting to do the dishes even though you can see the full sink right there you might have ADHD", and you think "gosh, I do that, do I have ADHD?" try thinking about it instead about like, "How can I remember to do the dishes more frequently?"

I guess I will agree that from there you can be more in tune to future ADHD posts, and maybe consider looking into ADHD resources, etc. But that's exactly the point I'm making here, the resources and things you do to manage your mental health is infinitely more important than what you call it. If you benefit from ADHD resources, it doesn't matter if you *do* have ADHD or not, you are using resources to manage your mental health! Congratulations!

And you know, maybe I'm just like, experiencing the symptom of not understanding subtext, and maybe this was something people meant when they talk about pro- or anti- self diagnosis, but it's nothing I've really noticed. All people seem concerned about is whether or not a doctor agrees that the combination of symptoms you have match the generally agreed upon combination of symptoms. Like, that's all this discourse seems to be. No one really brings the idea of *working on* your mental health into any of this! Or if they do, they bring up some boogeyman like "finite resources" for people (as in, "if you don't really have autism, you're taking up resources for actual autistic people" etc.)

So what are these resources that can help you even if you don't have a diagnosis, a doctor, medication, a therapist, etc?

This (the Job Accomodation Network) is my favorite place to point people to for a starter on what kind of assistance they could benefit from. The idea of this site is for determining what reasonable accommodations someone might ask for in the workplace (usually provided they have a medical diagnosis), but it's also good to investigate ideas for things that might help you!

For example, if you click on ADHD and scroll down, it has a list like this

You don't need a diagnosis to try out and decide if these kinds of things could work for you. Lets look at another one. This is from the list of possible things for OCD regarding non-compliant behaviors (which is job speak for "not able to do the task the way we want")

If you think you could have OCD, maybe try out some of these things, like a white noise machine, to see if they help. They might not! But it's something to consider!

You don't need to have OCD to benefit from a white noise machine helping you focus. You don't need Autism to find sensory toys soothing and grounding. You don't need depression to go on walks to get extra vitamin D. You don't need BPD to ask your friends to check on you once in a while. If you benefit from something, that's what matters the most!

I guess what this is ultimately coming to is there's no boogeyman of finite resources being used up by self-diagnosers. And if you are pursuing self-diagnosis, consider to yourself how useful the label is, and if looking into actually how to manage it is more useful.

Please be niceys in the notes so i dont have to turn off reblogs ok. Goodbye and I love you and I want the best for you!

[thessalian]

Thess vs the Bank Holiday Blues

Currently doing the mental health evaluation and ... well, sometimes you just do everything you possibly can and you're still fucking struggling. Which fucking blows, thank you very much.

I've gone through the checklist. I've eaten. I've hydrated. I slept recently. Technically my "meds for neuropathic pain" are an antidepressant so I can't even say I need meds. As for therapy ... well, been there, done that, developed the coping mechanisms. But mental health-wise? I am struggling to cope at this point.

To be fair, this is largely external factors. This is the realisation that I was very much right about literally nothing changing in this country when we got a Labour government, because now they're saying, "Well, the Tories lied about the massive financial hole they left so we have to scrap all our infrastructure promises, cut the winter fuel allowance, and let the energy companies jack up their prices right at the start of autumn" and it's getting to a point where I wonder if they're just trying to kill the old people so they don't have to pay their state pension.

This is seeing some of the short-sighted bullshit going on in the US in the run-up to their own election. Because I know a whole lot about populist garbage and people making protest votes without thinking about what they're doing, okay? Our general elections here aren't the best example of it, but I have a better one - Brexit. We ended up leaving the EU for a few very simple reasons: a) populist wankers like Johnson and Farage lied through their teeth to win the racist vote; b) some people didn't really want to leave the EU but didn't like how the EU was going about things so voted leave in protest; or c) figured that Leave couldn't actually win and so didn't bother voting. Now, does any of that sound familiar?!? All you have to do is add d) third options that will never win but take the vote away from the sensible choice and you've basically got the US right now. And this country destroyed itself at least partly based on that one stupid badly-planned referendum. The US can't survive another Trump term, I can't actually do anything about the stupids that might allow Trump to take the election, and I have too many people I love in that country to be anything less than terrified. I know that my feelings are valid, I know I can't spend too much emotional energy on something I can't change, but still.

My situation is still not great. It's never going to be, and I know that, just because of circumstance. I guess it's just harder to keep from being depressed about my disability when so much else is weighing me down. I try to keep counting my blessings, because I have a lot of those. Still, no matter how hard you try, some days everything that's wrong seems so big that you're kind of stuck squished. That and probably the Bank Holiday Blues. I mean, I don't work Mondays anyway, but there's a different vibe to the world on Bank Holiday Mondays.

Right. I just need to take my mind off the blues. One of the blessings I can count is that my last therapist was basically the best. She didn't focus on the diagnosis as handed down from the psychs (which was almost definitely a standard "ADHD is often misdiagnosed as BPD in women" thing) and instead looked at my symptoms and my previous coping methods, and helped me hone them into something healthier. Some people would call what I do "avoidance" and "escapism"; I call it "therapeutic hyperfocus". I've done every healthy thing I can to improve my mood, so if the mood's still there, and hyperfocusing on, like, a video game or something keeps me grounded until it blows over, I do that.

Of course, then I have to pick which video game, but I do have a playthrough of BG3 that I am determined to complete, and nothing says "hyperfocus" like "game you've played a few times before but will still hold a couple of surprises because Dice Be Like That". And I deserve some fun after having had to spend most of Saturday in bed because migraine and exhaustion.

[blackangelism]

vent incoming; triggering shit, lack of proper punctuation, you don't have to read this.

I fucking hate my life, i want to die, I've been having so so many suicidal thoughts and urges but I've never been able to cut because I'm not allowed privacy. I feel like I'm running out of time, my heart is in my throat every single second, i can never relax, i always feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown and I desperately need one but this one thought always fucks me up, "what if they know" and I would rather kill myself over living than let them know that I'm not okay. My mother, although decent at times, is manipulative, makes me feel like shit, fat shames me, shames me for not knowing something I never studied. I can never feel calm around my family. My biggest problem is my dad, I'm basically fatherless with a sperm donor. He's NEVER, NEVER at home; he's always out on the roads, hanging out with women that he's probably shagging, throwing the little money we have on fucking clothes and my mother ALWAYS fucking defends him by saying "oh he just works so hard for us that he isn't home usually" and I hate it because clearly, when he's not working, he's NEVER home and he doesn't even try to conceal the fact that he throws away the money we don't really have on fucking clothes while he hasn't bought his only daughter (i have an older brother) ANY clothes for the past 5+ years. I already have more than enough to deal with (my own ignored mental health, my issues, my grades, school etc) and to be a good friend, I always try to be there for everyone and make everyone happy but I've got to reach my breaking point sometime, have I not? I'm the therapist friend, I'm the mom friend, I'm the mature friend always; I ALWAYS help the people I call friends when they're sad but I never share my issues with anyone just because I think I'm a burden and for the past 4 years, I've bottled all my shit up and just swallowed my depression down to help the others. I'm so fucking tired of life, i wanna die, i seriously am on the verge of just doing it at this point. I have so many undiagnosed mental health issues which are CLEARLY present in me and when I try to communicate them, I'm always shut down and said to be a silly little kid because apparently, people under the age of 150 don't have problems.

Well, here's my whole ordeal: I've been abused, raped (i have a history with sa), manipulated and assaulted (domestic violence) all my life and I was raised religiously but I didn't agree with the religion I was raised in so I was an atheist for a long time and then I finally fucking found a religion that I agreed with and in which the gods and participants actually accepted me for who I was and now, everyone hates me because i fit into a ‘taboo’ religion. I'm demisexual, I find comfort in macabre and sin, I own my fucking sexuality, I like girls more than men, I use she/they pronouns and I'm a goth witch.” she sighs, “i'm a hopeless romantic and I have BPD, ADHD, insomnia, maladaptive daydreaming, psychosis, chronic depression, sociopathy and anxiety. I'm disgustingly selfless and I cut myself. I was neglected since I was a child. I'm a burntout gifted kid. My dad cheated on my mom and ever since I was 2 fucking years old, I had to endure all of their arguments and be their confidant all of the time when none of them supported me. I was expected to be perfect and always at the top of my class when it was always clear I'm more creative than academic. I was bullied all my school life and I had no fucking friends. I was too nice so everyone used me and I just went along because I cared for them and not for me. Because of all this, I am literally incapable of accepting healthy and nice connections. I'm not used to good physical touch, i always lean away from a hug and give them a nasty stare like "wtf are you doing" because I'm so ruined that i haven't ever received nice physical touch. I need extreme reassurance because I will always believe I am doing it wrong. Disgusting trust issues, I hear these fucking voices and shit which everyone believes to be an affect of the light, I'm undiagnosed when i clearly exhibit every symptom.

I hate this.

[nixierain]

Vent post. You don't have to read

I wanna talk about random fucked up mental shit Bruh, I've been stuck in a kinshift for like really long... There are still probably several differnt voices in my head... I wish it was ones I knew... I kinda miss the other voices back in my head from 7th grade because they were SO much nicer... Except Darkness, hes a bitch. But Death, Olive, Melody and Ruby were actually nice enough. Some of them were sadistic, but still. Speaking of sadism, I just randomly get sadistic... And like one second I'll be A ok, the next I'm a fucking mess thats spiraling... I mean I guess thats BPD for you, it still suck though OH and the "Seeing and hearing things others cant see"... They've FINALLY gotten a bit better die to my meds... But when they do come around, it seems more vivid than eariler. I mean I like the aditory ones, those are like pretty music now, but the notifactations and (rarely) voices confuse me and cause anxiety. I've alwasy had these kinds of things I guess... I remember when I was little I used to hear scratching on my window when nothing was there. UGH Everyone calls me Schizophrenic. I HATE it, sure I'm delusional as fuck and "See and hear things others cant" Shit... Forgot what I was gonna say... Well see if I can remember it

Ha, my meds are working a little too well, to the point where my depression and everything is masked to myself, underneith this fake facade I've put up, I still am depressed as fuck, it shows in my drawings and writing.

I've had two identity crisis's in the past not even a year, and I've lost touch with myself more than that, not to mention the unreality episodes. At this point, disconnecting from reality is one of my HORRIBLE coping mechanisms...

This is weird, but I'm starting to HATE summer Vacation cause its SOOO fucking boring, I dont have anything to do all day, so I'm just sitting around. Funny thing is that boredom triggers my depression and causes me to fall back into suicidal ideation and more unmotivation, and like everything.

Ugh, I'm not looking forward to high school at my district, cause middle school almost killed me...But I wont be bored hopefully and people wont harass me more... And if they do, hopefully the school will do shit about it. Ha.... Middle school sucked... Lots of trauma.. And now I have tics, it sucks. I also accedentally pushed people I loved away because of my affection styles and overclinging. I do this out of care and the fear of being abandonded. My therapist says my fear of abandonment isnt irrational, cause there are deep roots trauma that caused it, she just says that I go to extremes.

HAHAHA I'm going insane... No one will see me as the gender I identify as, or the name, I'm stuck being a girl named .... Omg this is long

I wish I could just turn off whats left of my emotions, or have better control over them.

Oh don't even get me started on my damn religion, that... thats intresting.... But I think I have a soulbond or smth with my guardian spirit (I think he's my guardian spirit) cause if someone asks a question to him, I just blurt out the answer. Though Raven's chill, he's cool and very nice, probably the second nicest entity in my room (Second to Will)

Its kinda funny though, I have a personality disorder, a mood disorder and a language/communication disorder. I'm a whole package... Just not neurodivergent. But don't worry, I'll be ok... I hope

Yeah I'm cutting myself off here

[dogearedheart]

I am sorry to hear that you have trouble finding a therapist. These things suck. It took me two years to find one, so I kind of understand the struggle. I hope it's not too personal when I say this, but your symptoms sound very similar to mine (I have bpd and depression). I really hope you'll heal from whatever has been causing you pain 🙏 💜

thank you so much, anon. and yes, finding any kind of doctor/therapist is hell at the moment, but i guess that shows that life can be difficult for so many people. i hope you are doing good and having a great day!

i hope it's okay i am putting this under the cut because i am a bit insecure about sharing this (and I'll probably delete this at some point, i hope that's okay as well). but you are right, i have gotten bpd thrown at me as well, it's been very long and i don't want to claim that it's definitely what is going on, but yeah, it's very likely. and i didn't think it would be this difficult to find someone who'd help me with it. it's definitely something that I've been trying to come to terms with lately. it does make a lot of sense considering the symptoms etc. it's just... scary, especially because I've grown up in a family that isn't very mental health positive. at the moment... it feels like a curse more than anything else. something that gets in my way if living a good and healthy life. i am trying to be my own support system while finding a therapist (i don't even have the money), while navigating other personal struggles like my mother's illness, my degree and finding a job. so it's... a lot. i don't usually like talking about it because i feel like a fraud, an imposter who is doing this for attention while simultaneously trying so desperately to get out of this hole. i am a bit scared that i will always be broken like that. and i am scared to talk about it because i don't want people to think differently about me. because i am still me and i like things etc. i don't want people to leave because of this (even though i would never blame them if they did) i don't want to die hollow and alone, but this thing is nagging at me, and it's in my brain and there is no cure for that. I'll just have to work on these intense feelings and the way i am dealing with them, trying to make myself believe that there is love and that i am not just the bad parts if that makes sense. anyway, i don't want to ramble too much. I appreciate your openness and trust. it's very much appreciated and makes me feel less alone with this weight i feel like i am carrying. so... again, thank you very much.

[dannyboyzone]

Samuel and his BPD

Yo yo, it's BPD awareness month, as well as mental health awareness month! Since I headcanon Samuel as having bpd with actual factual reasons and since I have it as well, here is some headcanons related to it I have of him. I also would love to post this because I am sick of my friends with BPD being mistreated. Not everyone can love, even if they can not everyone can control their feelings. Stop being mean to my babies.

TW - This will have triggering topics, so please read only if you feel ready for it.

꒰ 🍨 ”♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ ↷ ⋯ samuel and his bpd....

- I do think he is aware he has BPD, he just either forgot, or doesn't care.

- The reason why he doesn't go to a therapist is because it's a waste of time to try to fix something that was born broken. - His words, not mine. Though BPD is from childhood trauma mostly! -

- He also finds it incredibly embarrassing to open up to a random stranger. How dare they look inside his head and see his darkest secrets.

- The two most common things in BPD are either experiencing chronic emptiness everyday or experiencing chronic pain, the kind people feel when they loose a close loved one to death. Samuel is the kind to experience chronic emptiness everyday.

- Surprise! He has depression

- His sex drive is actually pretty low, if he ever has one night stands it's a form of impulsive decision making not because of attraction.

- He has a lot of intrusive thoughts. - Meaning unwanted thoughts that disgust him, yet he can't control. - One of them is just choking random people that are next to him, even if he doesn't have a problem with them.

- Another intrusive thought he has occurs when people that look similar to his mom stand next to him or are near him. It's them beating him or r%ping him. It triggers him to a point he can't have a conversation.

- He is incredibly clean and neat, however he doesn't always have the mental energy to clean so he probably hires someone to do it on some days.

- Samuel feels comfortable doing risky things that can cause his death because he doesn't care if he is alive or not.

- One of his triggers is interrupting and bad manners.

- He is a very patient man, but if you interrupt him while he focuses on something he will rather be passive aggressive.

- He only realises the heaviness of his actions once he had done them.

- Believe it or not, Samuel is able to be in love, he is just extremely picky and hates most people.

- I headcanon him as bisexual, but to be honest with you guys? I don't think Samuel gives a fuck about his own sexuality at all. He likes whatever he likes and that's fine with him.

- Also, did I mention? He never told anybody that his father is just some cheating loser, and not a gangster. A lot of people still think he is Jake's half brother simply because Samuel is too embarrassed to come forward and say 'I was wrong'.

- Sometimes he just lays in the bathtub and feels so comfortable he won't leave for hours. He looks at it as a waste of time, so he only baths weekly and sticks to showers.

- Samuel wants to be normal and healthy, yet be able to express himself. He never told anyone though, he is aware people look at him as a monster.

- One of his favourite things is to pull on the hair of the people he will beat up. Deadass, it gives him such a joy and a feeling of control.

- He has such an incredible strength because unlike other people, he doesn't care about the pain that comes with it, or just simply ignores it.

- Samuel was one very shy kid, but because he grew up to be chronically empty he just doesn't give a fuck anymore.

- I can't stress this enough, but Gun is his favourite person. No, that does not mean what some of you reading this might think it means. It means he wants to kill Gun and beat his ass, but also has a lack of self image without Gun's approval and his feelings towards him.

- Also, he doesn't get why killing useless people is bad. Everyone dies, so once someone becomes useless it's no use for them to live right?

- On that note, he doesn't smoke because he enjoys it, he does it because he is suicidal.

- He doesn't understand why first kisses or loosing your virginity is important. He values stories of first kills, running away from home or of people building their own safety net.

- Samuel has never been in love yet. He is looking forward to it though.

- He is awkward with babies and small kids, he absolutely hates teenagers but you know what? He loves kids that are aged like 10-15. He absolutely loves if they stand up for themselves and can fight. Cute funky little things.

- Animals aren't necessary something he loves, however snakes? They stand close to his heart. Loves cobras. Pythons too, but he would never be willing to own one.

- Sometimes he scares his own self with his behaviour and or thoughts.

- He loves to do dangerous things because of the adrenaline rush. Also absolutely loves to fight with someone that's a threat because he can finally fucking feel something.

- He also loves cats. Tiny little mean things that will eat you once you are dead, yet they want cuddles and affection. They are simply just interesting.

- Sometimes he has no energy to cut his finger nails, so he rather cleans them. Once he would get a s/o, that would change for reasons.

- He falls asleep to piano music so he isn't left alone with his thoughts.

Outro;

I could make this list have one million points, I love seeing into his mind. However I will stop here to not be overwhelming. Since it's mental health awareness month, I might make such a post of Johan (he has depression), Zack (boy has anxiety), Jiho and Olly (they are psychopaths) or maybe someone else! Goo could be interesting to look into as well. Thank you for your time!

[justanothersyscourse]

I don’t really want a diagnosis because I physically can’t have children and I want to be able to adopt in the future. I’m also trans + autistic so I’ve already got some stuff working against me in that department.

I haven’t brought up being a system to my therapist because I’m afraid she won’t believe me, and it’s mainly the trauma symptoms causing problems and not the presence of alters. (Also I don’t think she has a lot of experience with dissociative disorders?)

I guess I just . . . want to know if this is ok? If I should talk to her about it or just try to forget about it all and try to ignore that I’m probably a system? Idk I’m afraid to open up about it and then be told that I’m just making it up or something. I’m open to the possibility that I’m not actually a system and I have something Else going on, but we’ve already ruled out BPD so idk what else it would be. Like, if there was something else happening that made sense I’d accept it, but I’m afraid it’ll just be completely dismissed and I’ll be even more confused.

Idk srry I felt like I needed to get this off my chest and ask someone who has more experience with all this about if it’s ok to be where I’m at or if I should do something different.

A is for placeholder

B is for my infinite frustration

C is for FCK U TUMBLR, STOP CUTTING OFF MY FIRST TWO LINES

Hi, Anon!

There's a lot happening in this ask, so let's take it point by point.

It's absolutely, perfectly fine to not want a diagnosis. Period. Full stop. There are MANY reasons someone might not want one, and they're all valid-- EXCEPT FOR ABLEISM. Not wanting a diagnosis because "ew, gross", is bad. Just based on the last handful of posts I've made today, I just want to say, so long as you realize you CAN have one, do whatever works for you. Don't think you won't get it, and on the opposite end, don't think you NEED one.

Self DX is also super valid when it's well researched, and the person self-diagnosing is open to change when presented with new information or new perspectives (which it sounds like you are, so A+ for you, gold star). If you feel it fits your experiences, have at it, you're welcome here.

Another big thing that's misunderstood about the dyfunction criteria is that it doesn't need to be the alters causing you problems. Like, AT ALL. It can be the PTSD, the amnesia, the comorbid issues, the identity confusion-- ANYTHING. The DSM doesn't mention AT ALL that the alters specifically cause dysfunction. Instead, it talks about trauma memories, embarrassment over symptoms, anxiety from trying to hide symptoms. It can literally. Be. Anything.

On a plus note, if you are actually only experiencing issues with trauma memories, then you don't necessarily need a therapist that's specialized in anything other than PTSD. I've said this before, when you're looking for a therapist, look for one who specializes in the problem you're CURRENTLY having. Might it be helpful to bring up your system to your therapist? Definitely, if your system isn't integrated and still experiencing amnesia, your alters won't all benefit from the therapy sessions. In that case, it might be helpful to mention it. If that's not an issue, or the issue is with YOU specifically, then you don't necessarily need to tell your therapist if you're not comfortable doing so.

Don't "ignore" that you're a system, just be mindful of to who and when you want to present that information. Here's an example-- I moved cities a few years ago and never took my file with me. That means my current GP doesn't know I'm a system. I also don't plan to tell him unless I need to make any major changes to my medication. I go to him when I'm hurt or sick, not for mental stuff, so he doesn't need to know. That's okay. My system doesn't necessarily affect my broken leg. My meds, on the other hand, may have a negative effect on my system that he might need to be aware about. I don't know, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. And that's a decision I made about that doctor specifically. I might, for WHATEVER reason, choose to tell my... I don't know... gynecologist about my system. You tell who you want, when you want.

I can't tell you whether you should tell your therapist or not. I CAN tell you that the decision, either way, is perfectly valid and good, so long as it's YOUR decision (no one is forcing you one way or the other), and the results are working for you.

I highly doubt your therapist is going to dismiss you, as well. And if they do? Fire them. Get another one. Get a second opinion, and a third opinion, until it makes sense to you. If they can say, "maybe it might be this, have you considered this disorder? Here's some reasons," and those reasons make sense to you? Great. If not, keep looking.

I hope this helps. You're doing just fine.

[wildernessuntothemselves]

Yes yes I'm safe. Thank you for worrying for me. I actually hadn't thought about it for a while. This will be very long. Please forgive me.

I would love to tell you since I don't have many people to tell.

TW: stalking, mention of r*pe, eating disorder(?)

So about a year into uni (I was 19) this guy who i thought was actually pretty cool (well dressed even though everyone knew his financial situation is bad, knowledgeable, excited for life, was working on a project to help people in need) was introduced to me by my friend. He liked my her and he chose to email her about it. Which was weird, this happened only a few years ago. She is really sweet and isn't the kind to outright reject people so I helped her with what to reply with, and he thought she only rejected him because he was poor. Then all hell broke loose. He suddenly became disheveled. Looked like he didn't sleep. Dropped all of his projects to the point where they failed. The only thing that didn't change about him is his social interactions. He was uppity and would make sure to sit with us, and befriend people in our circle that he hadn't met.

Over the course of the next year she would continue to reject him with my aid, and he would keep trying. I would talk to him just to know what's going on with him because I was scared for my friend because of how prisistant he was being. I talked him into trying for therapy after he told me some things that happened in his childhood, I was even in contact with his therapist at some point because he was worried he was lying to her. I emailed her with what's actually happening. He even once told me that the situation makes him so mad that he fantasised about rape. I couldn't tell my friend, I probably should've but she had severe anxiety. I started walking her to and from classes, and I bought a pocket knife.

That's when he started being weird to me. We'd leave on the same bus since we lived in the same area, and he would text me things like "I'm behind you." I obviously knew he was sitting behind me, but I tried to ignore him.

I couldn't tell anyone because my friend didn't want to tell anyone about what was happening with her, and we had the same friend group.

I was dating at the time, and he hated my boyfriend and his best friend really badly because they sensed a weird vibe from him and wouldn't leave us alone with him. He wouldn't even refer to them by name. I could see the hatred in his eyes. He even expressed to me that he couldn't be himself around me because of them.

One day, I had to leave uni at sunset, uni was empty and I was waiting for the bus. He comes and sits with me and I was really scared, there really was no one except me and the housekeeping staff, and he was two years older older me so he should be done with all the courses that require him to stay late. I'm normally not easily scared, but that day something felt off. I told him I needed to go get food and that I'll go alone, and I went to a supermarket that's outside the other side of campus, separated by a large building and a lot of stairs. As soon as I leave campus I turn around and I spot that he's been following me. He is maybe 800 m away. He doesn't turn around. Doesn't pretent to be doing anything else. Just stands there. I quickly texted my ex and told him, asked if he was awake and if could call him. Luckily it took my ex 5 minutes to come to campus. He was still there when my ex arrived. He hadn't moved an inch. He kept staring at my ex as if he'd massacred his entire family. My ex walked me to the bus and I went home safely.

When he realised he couldn't get to me on campus because my guy friends wouldn't let him, he started trying to get me to meet him outside of uni, I don't know if he knew that I knew what he was doing. I kept refusing and telling him I'm not going to see him at all. He then sent me a text that goes like this:

"Going on a walk. You can join if you want. I can pick you up from your house. And we can go from there. Tell me if you're interested. I'm going at 5 pm."

My house? How does he know where my house is? No one from uni know where I live specifically. Sure they know the part of the city I live in, because I go by bus, but no one ever drove me there. Unless he had followed me home since we go by the same bus.

I became paranoid, and I was going through unrelated trouble with my ex so I didn't get to tell him. I couldn't tell my friend because she'll panic. I couldn't cut contact with him because I knew he wanted to hurt my friend, and he would usually overshare on text so I would know if he was planning anything. There was nothing I could do but wait. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was malnutritioned to the point where I was passing out randomly and my hair started to fall out in clumps.

That seemed to give him the greenlight. He bought me a gift. He even sent me an indirect feet pic (all my friends know i get really uncomfortable seeing feet, he knew this, he sent it on purpose) and I put up with it all, I don't know if it was the right thing to do. I was scared that any action I take will make him hurt my friend.

His therapist told him to not talk to her, then to act normal around her, but when he tried she obviously wasn't able to treat him normally. He told her it was doctors orders. She just couldn't, understandably.

She blocked him everywhere and I thought it was over. Until one day he comes up to me in person, and he says

"You'll be so mad at me. I did something bad."

And he said it cheekily, as if I was supposed to find it cute.

My friend was in the lecture hall right behind me so I wasn't worried about her. I ignored him.

Two days later she sends me a screenshot from the website of uni platform. A death threat in the direct messages of the platform.

My friend chooses to tell our friends, and our friends suggest that now that he abused the university platform, we can go to them, and they'll deal with it from there. That was the first time my friend mentions it to her family.

The uni holds a trial of sorts, and deems him less responsible because he was pn bpd medication. They make him sign an oath that if he every speaks to her or gets physically close to her he will be expelled. This has worked. He left her alone and we haven't heard from him since. I saw him occasionally, and when I was volunteering on campus he'd stay away from my booth, even if the people he was walking with came to talk to me, so I assume he thought I was included too.

A day after the trial my boyfriend and I broke up, I wasn't sad about the breakup as much as I was sad about never being able to tell him the details, because my friend didn't want anyone to know, and now that he knew, I'll never be able to tell him what I personally went through. Sure, i had confided in him the general outline of what was happening, against my friend's will, but I couldn't tell him how paranoid I had been.

I changed address shortly after, only out of pure luck, had my financial situation been slightly worse I would still have to live there.

I have graduated.

This is the first time I tell anyone about the harassment I endured. No one knows about his rape fantasies, no one knows about the stalking. I hope no one who knows me personally finds it, but it felt good to let it off my chest.

This is horrific. You were such a good friend honestly, but your friend was selfish and put you in danger by not allowing you to tell the people around you anything about it. It’s not fair especially that it involved you too. You went through so much for her, to protect her, and she prevented you from having someone to support you. what if he had done something to you? 

i’m not trying to say that this is her fault. it’s clearly the guy who is the insane one here but it’s not debatable. he’s a shit human being. I’m just disappointed in your friend. 

he is definitely dangerous and needs to be on some kind of list. it makes me shudder that he’s out there somewhere

once again you were an amazing friend. she is so lucky to have you but please take care of yourself too