#I prefer sci-fi and some wit but neither is required

[lyraeon]

I keep asking for audio book recommendations and then only actually buying one or two at a time, thus failing to use up all my audible credits so i can cancel my account

so uh

audio book suggestions plz?

[longitudinalwaveme]

Arkham Files: Abra Kadabra

Hugo Strange: From the patient files of Dr. Hugo Strange, director of Arkham Asylum. Patient: Abra Kadabra, real name unknown. Patient suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and a number of delusions, including the belief that he has magical powers and the belief that he is from the 64th century. Session One. So, Mr. Kadabra, how are you feeling today? 

Abra Kadabra: Oh, hello, Doctor. Would you like to see a magic trick? 

Hugo Strange: Pardon? 

Abra Kadabra: Certainly you won’t turn down an opportunity to witness a performance by Abra Kadabra, magician extraordinaire! Why, it will even be free of charge! 

Hugo Strange: Mr. Kadabra, this is a therapy session, not a talent show. I have no time to watch you pull a rabbit out of your hat. 

Abra Kadabra: You woefully underestimate my talents, Doctor. I am no mere sideshow attraction. I am the Prince of Prestidigitation, the Sultan of Sleight-of-Hand, the Master Magician of the 64th Century! Only a fool would deny themselves the chance to see my unmatched brilliance in the art of stage magic! 

Hugo Strange: Mr. Kadabra, you are not a famous magician. You are a sick man who is suffering from delusions of grandeur. 

Abra Kadabra: (Annoyed) Delusions of grandeur? I assure you, my grandeur is quite real. The great Houdini himself pales in comparison to my mastery of magic! 

Hugo Strange: If you are so famous, why have I never heard of you, Mr. Kadabra? 

Abra Kadabra: Don’t be ridiculous! Everyone in this primitive century knows of me! My epic confrontations with the Scarlet-Clad Speedster invariably make the front page! My skills as a magician are renowned far and wide! Why, even Superman has agreed to play parts in my act! 

Hugo Strange: (Trying to change the subject) So, Mr. Kadabra, you believe that you are from the 64th century. Why is that? 

Abra Kadabra: Because I am from the 64th century. I understand that that is likely difficult for your primitive mind to grasp, but it is nevertheless true. 

Hugo Strange: You cannot possibly be from the 64th century, Mr. Kadabra. That is patently absurd. 

Abra Kadabra: More patently absurd than a plant-woman hybrid? A sentient clay creature? A Martian? A Kryptonian? A billionaire who dresses up as a bat in order to fight crime? 

Hugo Strange: Mr. Kadabra, there is absolutely no evidence, beyond your own claims, that you are from the future. 

Abra Kadabra: And the word of Abra Kadabra, the 64th Century’s Master Magician, isn’t evidence enough? I am offended! 

Hugo Strange: I’m afraid I need a bit more proof than the word of an unstable lunatic. 

Abra Kadabra: Proof? PROOF? I will show you proof! Abra Kadabra! (Magical noises; then “poof!” sound) Are you convinced now, doctor? 

Hugo Strange: (Angry) Where are we? What have you done, Mr. Kadabra? 

Abra Kadabra: Welcome to the 64th century, doctor! 

(The noises of a bustling city are heard; but with a noticeable sci-fi twist) 

Hugo Strange: What...h-how? What is this? 

Abra Kadabra: Time travel! Just one of the many tricks in my repertoire! 

(Hugo Strange starts applauding involuntarily) 

Hugo Strange: Mr. Kadabra, how are you doing this? 

Abra Kadabra: (Laughs) A magician never reveals his secrets! (The forced applause continues) Thank you, thank you. You’re a very appreciative audience, doctor. 

Hugo Strange: Enough of this, Mr. Kadabra! Take me back to the Asylum now! 

Abra Kadabra: You dare to make demands of Abra Kadabra? If I did not require an appreciative audience, I would turn you into a tortoise for such insolence! 

Hugo Strange: A tortoise? What sort of fool do you think I am, Mr. Kadabra? I do not know how you managed this illusion, but I am in charge here, not you. Return us to Arkham Asylum at once! 

Abra Kadabra: On second thought, I’ve done tortoises before, and I don’t often like to repeat tricks. (Pause) No, I think some sort of extinct creature would be preferable. Yes, I shall turn you into a Bos taurus!

Hugo Strange: Now wait just a-

Abra Kadabra: Abra Kadabra!

Hugo Strange: Mooooo! 

(Forced applause from 64th-century citizens) 

Abra Kadabra: Thank you, thank you! You are too kind! (Pause) Unfortunately, I cannot stay. I have a much larger audience elsewhere, so I must depart. Abra Kadabra! 

(Magical noises; “poof!” sound) 

Hugo Strange: Moooo! 

Abra Kadabra: You know, doctor, I was quite disappointed the first time I saw a Bos taurus. It was not nearly so fearsome a creature as paleontological reconstructions suggested. (Pause) But I suppose that that is neither here nor there. And as much as I have come to appreciate the true appearance of the Bos taurus, you are a marginally better audience in your true form. Abra Kadabra! (Magical noises; “poof!” sound) 

Hugo Strange: (Disoriented) W...what happened? 

Abra Kadabra: Don’t worry, doctor. Time travel and transmogrification are always disorienting the first few times, but the feeling soon passes. 

Hugo Strange: Time travel? Transmogrification? Who are you? 

Abra Kadabra: I’ve told you! I am Abra Kadabra, master magician of the 64th century! I’ve come to your primitive era to pursue fame and fortune, which I have been denied in my own time! 

Hugo Strange: But..but how could you possibly have...you are not a metahuman! 

Abra Kadabra: I would very much appreciate it if you would stop asking me for the secrets of my act, doctor. Why, if I told you, some unimaginative hack might steal them for their own act-and that would be an unparalleled tragedy. 

Hugo Strange: (Frustrated) Mr. Kadabra, you are not a magician! You are a criminal who suffers from a number of delusions and personality disorders.

Abra Kadabra: Hmph. If I’d known that I would spend this session being insulted by a primitive, balding, myopic peon, I would never have agreed to it. 

Hugo Strange: I’m afraid these sessions are not optional on your part, Mr. Kadabra. You are a very sick man. 

Abra Kadabra: Sick? (Pause) Hmm...now there’s an idea. Abra Kadabra! (Magical noises; “poof!” sound) 

Hugo Strange: (Coughs violently) What (coughs) have you (hack, caugh) done to me? 

Abra Kadabra: I have infected you with the charming creation of one of my cooked colleagues. Though he’s a primitive savage, I must admit that Murmur’s Frenzy Virus is superbly dramatic. It liquifies the lungs; then the sufferer literally chokes to death on their own blood. (Pause) Oh, and it’s dreadfully contagious. Fortuitously, I have already been vaccinated, so the dread disease will have no deleterious effect on me, but I doubt the staff of this institution are as lucky. 

Hugo Strange: (More violent coughing) Mr. Kadabara, if you do not (hack, cough, cough) undo this immediately, I will (cough, cough, hack, cough) ensure that you spend the rest of your (hack, cough) very long sentence in solitary. 

Abra Kadabra: (Laughs) You really think you can keep the Prince of Prestidigitation locked up in this primitive institution? The only reason I didn’t escape days ago was because I thought this so-called therapy session would give me a private audience to whom I could display my brilliance. But you, doctor, have proven most unappreciative, so I will be taking my leave. 

Hugo Strange: (Coughing violently) On the contrary, Mr. Kadabra (hack, cough)...I have been (hack, cough, cough) most impressed by your talent. I am simply not (cough, cough) used to bearing witness to such an astonishing display. 

Abra Kadabra: (Pleased) In that case, I forgive you, doctor. (Pause) Abra Kadabra! (Magical noises; “poof!” sound; Hugo Strange’s coughing stops) But nevertheless, I am afraid that it is time for our session to come to an end. I have a much grander performance scheduled for later today, and I cannot disappoint my adoring public. (More forced applause from Hugo Strange) Thank you, thank you! You are much too kind! But do not be dismayed by my departure. The Master Magician of the 64th Century shall return for an encore performance at some later date. (Pause) Farewell for now, doctor. Abra Kadabra! (Magical noises; “poof!” sound) 

Hugo Strange: Mr. Kadabra? (Pause) Mr. Kadabra? (Pause; then, frustrated) He’s disappeared. How is it that all of the criminals from the Twin Cities are master escape artists?