#I pick up a show thinking ok this’ll be a fun stupid thing for me to watch one episode of bc I’m bored

[once-ina-blue-moon]

Lego monkie kid is destroying me rn

[shorkbrian]

Okay, soo can you write a pseudoincest one for Midoriya? I feel like he’ll be shy at first & the reader will be the one to approach him (in a non sexual way of course) but then one day he’ll just break & pin her against a wall. :> hehe

Okay okei ok lissen listen litsen

Midoriya and his sister are picture-perfect step-siblings. From the moment they met each other, the two have gotten along great, perfectly at ease with each other. 

Warnings! - NSFW, cunnilingus, dub-con. Pseudo-incest. 

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It’s easy to relax around the green-haired man, with how smiley and soft and completely non-threatening he is. You’ve met plenty of men that are the complete opposite; men that make your skin crawl when they look at you. But your stepbrother isn’t like that - you’re pretty sure he doesn’t even know what a girl is, considering he’s never even shown interest in one. 

You like hanging out with him. Going with him to get coffee every Saturday morning (his treat), plopping down in the bean-bag chairs in his room and completely wrecking each other in Mario Kart, even doing mundane things like laundry or homework is always more fun with Izuku around. it doesn’t hurt that the man is a little too kind for his own good, always offering to do your laundry for you, asking if you need help on any of your homework. He’s always happy to drop whatever he’s doing and come help if you get frustrated with a problem. 

----

The two of you were watching a movie, parents gone out on date-night. Both of your gazes were zeroed in on the screen, you clutching at Izuku’s sleeve at every jumpscare, your brother leaning forward and mumbling about cgi and the mechanics of the fake monster suits. 

A sex scene came out of no where, gross. This always happens with semi-decent movies, and it was so awkward. Thankfully, it was just you and Midoriya in the room (if your parents were here, both of you would be red and embarrassed and suddenly interested in the thread count of the couch cover) and it wasn’t that long of a scene. You were still shy though, turning away from the screen to fiddle with your sleeve, look at the texture of the ceiling, pick at your nails.

A load screech drew your attention back, thinking that the movie had returned to the monsters and the chasing and the thrill. You were wrong. In full HD, there was a semi-nude woman, chest tastefully covered by her ripped shirt, a man kneeling in front of her. The man was moving his face against her, the shots being vague but not needing much brainpower to figure out what was happening. You frowned.

“What is he doing? That’s so gross.”

You felt Izuku shift beside you, the man looking down at you. It’d be weird if you looked at him now, saw your flushed, embarrassed face. Why was the man on the screen putting his face down there?

“(Y/N)...... do you..... do you not know?”

He was just as shy as you, stuttering over his words. Know what? Sure, you weren’t exactly experienced in the realm of physical pleasure, but you thought you knew the basics.

At your confused silence, you saw Izuku drag a trembling hand over his face.

“It’s uh... well, you see... when a man and woman love each other very much-”

“Seriously  ‘Zuku?”

You turned to look at him. He was blushing just as hard as you, movie now forgotten.

“Okay, uh, it’s-it’s oral. I guess kinda like a blowjob, but for girls.”

“How would that even feel good? There isn’t anything for him to even like...” You trailed off, regretting blurting out the first thing that popped into your head. Gosh, you sounded like a kid, Izuku probably thought you were so dumb. “Nevermind, let’s just forget it.”

Izuku was still looking at you, nervously shuffling closer.

“You’ve never....?”

“Of course I have!” You spluttered, rising from the couch. Now you were angry, embarrassed, humiliated. Izuku thought you were so stupid that you didn’t even know how sex worked. It’s not like you were currently seeing someone, not in the four short months since you moved into the Midoriya’s house. But you’d had experience in the past! Maybe nothing past penetration, but that still counted as experience!

Izuku rose with you, hands held out in front of him as he tried to salvage the conversation. “I didn’t mean! Not like that anyways...... I was just...”

He waved noncommittally with his hands. You crossed your arms, waiting for him to continue. Izuku was a bit on the shyer side, and you knew that talking about sensitive subjects made him stutter and blush, lose his cool and all. You were willing to be patient, expecting an apology. You got anything but.

“I just mean... I could like, uh... s-show you?”

Your jaw dropped.

Before you could speak, Izuku was rushing on, his words jumbled and breathless. ‘Y’know? It’s just like the uh, well the nice thing to do. It-it feels really good and I know you’d enjoy it, well, I-uh I think. I mean, I-I do... enjoy blowjobs! I could teach you how to do that too, if-well, if you want. We don’t have to do that toda-”

“’Zuku, no...”

You cut him off, staring pointedly at the ground. This was the weirdest situation you’d ever been in. You couldn’t look your brother in the eye, this was just too awkward. 

There was a beat of silence.

Automatically, your feet started carrying you towards the stairs, towards your room where you could play on your phone and forget this whole thing happened. 

Izuku grabbed your arm.

“Wait, wait, just.... c’mere?”

You grabbed Izuku’s arm, trying to pull yourself away from him. “Izuku, I really don’t think-”

“No, no don’t-don’t think. just... just let me...”

The man was pulling you back, giving you a gentle push onto the couch. This was so weird. A hand splayed across your chest, keeping you stationary as you tried to sit up, and Izuku was kneeling. The man pried your legs apart, despite you protesting.

“’Zuku, this really isn’t something I wanna do right now, please don’t touch me like that.”

Izuku raised a finger to his lips, before yanking down your shorts. You squealed his name in surprise. He groaned.

“Oh, oh, this’ll feel so good, just-just trust me, okay? You know I wouldn’t hurt you.”

He was still pressing down on your chest with one hand, ignoring the way your panic rose as his other hand gently caressed your leg, climbing higher and higher. You knew he wouldn’t hurt you, but this was making you uncomfortable. The thought of your stepbrother doing oral or whatever made you squeaky. You didn’t know what to label the feeling - only knew it was bad.

You gasped when a finger pressed against the fabric of your panties; began tracing your folds, prodding at your mound. Your hands flew down to grab his wrist, to push him away, but Izuku wouldn’t be deterred.

Izuku was so much bigger than you, so much stronger. You couldn’t stop him when he pulled your panties to the side, shoved his face between your thighs, close to your cunt. A yelp left your throat when cool air blew gently across your pussy. He was - he was literally blowing on your pussy. 

You shivered.

“Hey, please I don’t wanna do this ‘Zuku, please let me up. Stop doing that, I won’t tell dad, I won’t tell anybody! Please just let me up.”

Your pleas were ignored

A finger began slowly brushing against your cunt, as if Izuku was afraid to touch, afraid to break. You groaned; never in your life had you given that area this much attention. “Feels - feels weird.” you whined, drawing Izuku’s green eyes away from your clenching cunt and up to your face.

“It’ll start feeling good In a second, don’t worry. I’m taking care of you (Y/N), just like I always do.”

Your stomach flipped. This didn’t feel like him taking care of you.

“I-I’ve been wanting to do this for so long... god, thank you.” He was almost whispering, you barely caught the tail end of his sentence before a hot, wet tongue was licking up the length of your pussy. 

“Ah! w-wait!”

Izuku didn’t listen. HIs first lick was slow, calculated. The green-haired man was savoring your taste, licking his lips before diving back in. The sensation was good, you were writhing and squirming in Izuku’s hold, but now for an entirely different reason. 

He quickly became feverish as he drooled over your pussy, pausing occasionally to gather the moisture in his mouth and spit. Then he’d let his tongue spread the wet around, flicking rapidly against your clit.

“’Zuku, ‘Zuku! I can’t - stop, stop!”

It was so wet, and so, so messy. It was downright filthy, the way his tongue was suckling and lapping and dancing against your sensitive pussy. You were losing your mind, trying to free yourself from Izuku’s grasp, escape the intense stimulation that he was attacking you with.

Your orgasm hit you so fast, you barely had the chance to gasp out a stuttered, weak “Cumming!”. 

It felt so good it almost hurt.

The hand on your chest stopped anchoring you to the couch, but you were defeated, boneless. You stopped pushing at Izuku, let yourself lay back and try to catch your breath, sweat making hair stick to your forehead.

The green mass of curls between your legs bobbed gently as Izuku gave short, teasing kitten licks to lap up your juices, loving the way you twitched and whimpered as he played with your sensitive cunt. You were too tired to fight him. 

When the man finally stopped, leaned back on his heels and wiping a hand across his face, you didn’t want to look at him. Instead, you buried your face into one of the couch cushions, hiding from your older step-brother.

“I love you.”

You had loved him too, but not in the same way. He was your brother, your friend. What was he now?

Izuku reached forward, slid your panties back into place so they covered your pussy, giving you some semblance of privacy. You felt the couch dip as he sat next to you, far too close to comfort. It was hard to believe what he had just done.

You couldn’t possibly know that he was going to do more.

[ptergwen]

heartbreaker

warnings: angst, swearing, drinking, and smut OK WOW

summary: never have i ever with your ex and current boyfriends is an interesting experience

a/n: excuse me for taking such a long ass time on this but super big shoutout to whoever requested it for being patient <3 i’ve been trying to write what y’all would actually be interested in so don’t be shy tell me what you want to read!! also italics are flashbacks and as always i hope everyone enjoys hehe

-

“never have i ever...” harry purses his lips and looks around at your table, “cheated on schoolwork. successfully.” everyone easily takes a sip of their beers, except harrison. you snort and tilt your bottle to where he’s sitting across from you.

“haz, how are you the only one?” “because this div used to copy all my shit in year eleven, and i’d be the one to get in trouble for it.” he elbows tom’s side, tom nudging him back. “should’ve turned yours in first, bro.” rolling his eyes, harrison bends the rules of the game by sipping his drink.

their silly bickering makes you realize how much you’ve missed hanging out with the boys like this. it makes you realize you how much you’ve missed the boys in general. the last time you even saw tom, really saw him, was for a catch up lunch. you had to rush it because he was in between onward press junkets.

before that was the day he left to film cherry, almost a year ago. it’s not at all something you like to remember. dwelling will just set you back, and you’ve come too far to let that happen. as far as one can go when the person they gave their whole heart to breaks it.

now you have luke, and tom has anyone in the world he wants. it’s a new relationship. you’ve only been seeing luke for about three months. you met him while buying some post-breakup ice cream. he randomly started a conversation with you on the line. you bonded over your hatred for chocolate and ended up trading numbers. since you’re slowly getting more serious, you invited luke to the pub tonight.

the meet the friends stage is an important one, and it’s not often that one of your closest would be available for it. tom’s thoughts and opinions still mean a lot to you. you’ll always love him, even if it’s not in the same way you once did. you know he’ll always love you right back. that’s why he did what he did in the first place. that’s what he told you, at least.

you spot luke searching for your table in the pub not too much later. sitting up straighter for him to see you, you wave him over. none of the boys knew that he was coming tonight, so you’re a bit nervous about what they might say. you just hope they’ll like each other as much as you like all of them.

“hey, y/n.” luke leans down and kisses your cheek. you smile up at him, scooting over in the booth to give him room to sit. you’re in between him and tom now. it’s pretty metaphorical if you think about it. “hi. good day?” “yeah, and super busy. i’m luke,” he reaches out his hand for any of the boys. harrison gives him a friendly shake. you haven’t noticed the way tom has been looking at you this whole time.

it’s like he wants to say something, but he’s biting his tongue.

harry shakes luke’s hand, then tom. he uses a firm grip paired with his signature lips pressed together smile. “good to meet you, man. what do you do again?” “i’m in journalism, so mostly chase people around all day.” tom clicks his tongue in a way that sounds like he approves. you’re not exactly sure what’s going through his head at the moment, but it seems to be good things so far.

“he’s just taking the piss. your writing is seriously amazing, luke. don’t downplay it.” you lean into the arm he outstretches across the back of the booth. he lets his hand move to your shoulder and pulls you in closer.

tom stares down at the floor. his leg bounces next to yours, one of his nervous habits you’ve become familiar with. picking up on his brother’s mood change, harry clears his throat to change the subject.

“let’s keep playing never have i ever. we were enjoying that earlier.” “great, i’ll go get everyone another round,” harrison volunteers himself and takes off for the bar. that was obviously his way of escaping the sudden awkwardness that came about.

you tap tom’s foot lightly with your own, making him look up at you. “doing okay over there?” “‘’m fine. my jetlag picked a bad time to act up, is all,” he lamely excuses himself and shifts the tiniest bit away from you.

you’ve seen jetlagged tom plenty of times, and this isn’t him. something else is clearly on his mind. you’d call him out on it and have a heart to heart, but it isn’t your place to do that anymore. you’re both still adjusting to the whole friends thing. it’s going to take time to get back to how close you were, especially with different boundaries in place.

harrison comes back with fresh beers and sets them down on the table. each of you grab one. tom immediately chugs half of his without bothering to wait for the game to continue. you’re not in the mood to watch him act like this, so you turn to face luke. that only encourages him to drink some more. harry is the one who steps in and pulls his bottle away.

“easy there, alcoholland. you gotta save some for when we play.” “right.” tom wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, eyes already glossy. this isn’t how tonight was supposed to go.

“speaking of,” harrison starts, overly cheerful to make up for the way his friend is behaving. “it’s my turn.” “go for it,” you force a smile at him and swish the beer around in your glass. “this’ll definitely be good. never have i ever gone skinny dipping.”

the heat that rises to your cheeks gives you away before you can take a sip. with a shit-eating grin, tom snatches his beer out of harry’s hand. “gonna need this back, baby bro.” you shyly pick up your drink, tom and harrison being the only others who are guilty. harrison clinks his glass with yours, then you’re both gulping down your poison.

luke playfully raises his eyebrows at you when you’re finished. “i’m sorry, y/n, but i have to hear this story. you went skinny dipping?” cockiness absolutely oozing out of him, tom cuts in. “we went together, actually. i can help her tell this one.”

you spare everybody the explicit details of what happened, but it isn’t hard to guess them. tom is thankfully mature enough in the moment to not reveal much. now that luke knows the story, it feels like there’s tension between him and tom. he’s just too nice to let it show.

taking notes from tom, you impulsively finish off the rest of your drink in hopes of clearing your mind. you earn looks of concern from everyone except the man of the hour. he’s enjoying messing with you.

“that was a fun night, huh?” tom smirks at you. you close your eyes and rub your temples. sensing how off everything is, harrison leaves the table again to get you another drink. he sure has a talent for that.

you’re not sure why tom has to be such an ass tonight of all nights. you’ve already told him about you and luke before, actually he was the first person to know. he should’ve expected to meet him at some point. maybe then, his coping mechanism wouldn’t be getting drunk and making both of you look stupid.

“you okay?” luke nudges your shoulder with his hand. you give him a tight lipped smile. “yeah. sorry about all of that.” “no, it’s fine. i’m a big boy.” he glances over at tom, who’s poking harry’s cheek with a spoon. jesus christ.

harrison brings over another beer for you and a water for tom. you take your drink and push tom’s over to him. he decides to be immature and drops the spoon to switch your glasses. drunk tom is a child.

“are you serious right now? you need to learn when to cut yourself off.” you switch them again, taking a sip of your beer before tom can take it from you. he huffs and drinks his water like you said. you’re only doing this because you care about him. he’s probably too gone at the moment to understand that. if he’s going to think you’re a buzzkill for helping him out, oh well.

“so, babe,” luke makes a point to stress the word, “how about you do the next round of the game?” he leans into you again. you still haven’t taken your eyes off of tom.

“sure,” you agree absentmindedly. “um, never have i ever...” tom smiles lazily at you when he notices you’re looking at him. you forgot that drunk tom is also cute, but you’re not supposed to think that way anymore. not about him. you clear your throat. “never have i ever given myself a really bad hairstyle?”

everybody takes a drink this time, tom finishing his water. you’ve styled your hair in so many awful ways so many times, but only one comes to mind. it’s technically tom’s fault.

-

“come on, y/n/n, let me do it. i’ll even say please. please?” tom all but begs you for the third time. you look up at him from your phone to see him making puppy eyes at you. saying no to those is physically impossible.

you’ve been on hold with your hair salon for almost half an hour trying to make an appointment. they’re normally never this busy, but you really need to go. a person can only let their ends become so split.

for some reason, tom decided he wants to be a hairdresser today. he keeps offering to cut your hair for you instead. you’re not so sure you trust him with scissors, but he won’t stop asking about it unless you let him try. plus, this could be interesting.

you end the call with a sigh. perking up, tom grabs your hands. “so? that’s a yes?” “don’t make me regret this, tom.” he pulls you off the couch by your hands and leads you straight to the bathroom.

“should we wash it first? i think that’s what they do.” he turns on the sink, then goes into the shower to get your hair products. you lean back against the counter and watch him set up. you’re starting to feel kind of nervous about this. tom is usually good at everything he attempts, but something as permanent as a haircut, you’re not sure about.

“relax a bit, darling. you’ll be fine.” tom ruffles your hair with his fingers, making you crinkle your nose. “if it looks bad, no i won’t.” “it’s just hair.” he gets a towel off the rack and drapes it around your shoulders. you look at your hair in the mirror one more time, then lean back so your head is under the faucet. “you’re the one who uses a bottle of hair gel every day.”

“anyways,” you can hear the eye roll in tom’s voice. “let me know if the water’s too hot or too cold.” “nah, it’s good.” he opens your shampoo and squirts some into his hand. “see, i know what i’m doing.” you hum in response, tom’s fingers combing through your hair to make sure it’s wet enough.

you lift your head up from the water so tom can do the shampoo. it feels good, like you’re getting a massage but on your scalp. tom notices your small smile as he eases you down to rinse it out. “enjoying yourself?” you open an eye to see a smug look on his face. “for now, yeah.”

after all the shampoo is gone, tom starts with conditioner. he pulls all your hair to one side and runs through it with a brush a few times. you’re honestly impressed he knows what he’s doing. he must have learned from watching you do your own hair. he puts in the conditioner and twirls a loose strand of hair around his finger, letting it sit for a bit.

“i’ll admit it, you’re actually good at this,” you reach up and poke at his chest. tom pokes your cheek back, then gathers all of your hair again. “mm, thanks. you should let me do your hair for you more often.” “that’ll depend on if you can cut it.” with a chuckle, he lets the ends of your hair fall under the water again.

your hair all washed, tom helps you stand back up. he takes the towel from over your shoulders and uses it to scrunch your hair up. it falls over your face. you know he’s trying to do it so it stays in place, but that’s not what’s happening.

“i’ll do this part, babe,” you laugh to yourself and flip your head over. “pfft, yeah, i was totally gonna try that next,” tom jokes, searching through a drawer for scissors while you wrap your hair. he opens and closes them before dropping them on the counter.

“wanna sit? i don’t know how long this’ll take.” “oh, god. sure.” tom easily lifts you up by your waist and sits you on the counter. you giggle a little at the gesture. he’s full of surprises today. “there you are, m’lady. let’s get started.” he takes the towel off your head and squeezes your hair out with it one more time. pouting, you grab a few strands. “i’ll miss you guys so much.”

”stop it, i’m not even cutting that much off,” tom groans and stands in between your legs. you put your hands on his shoulders. “that’s the plan, but knowing you, you’ll end up giving me, like, a mohawk.” “you think i know how to do that?” your legs wrap around his waist, scooting yourself closer to the edge of the counter. “i hope not.”

tom wraps an arm around your waist and gives you a wicked smile. you probably should’ve asked him to section off your hair so he could cut it evenly, but it slipped your mind. he splits your hair in half the best he can and picks up the scissors. you’re facing him, so you can’t see what he’s about to do in the mirror.

“i’m gonna count to three, okay? one, two, three.” tom takes half of your hair and starts cutting it in a straight line, which is already a problem. it ends up creating this weird zigzag look that can’t be saved by just him. he realizes his mistake after he’s already holding your hair. “oh, shit..” he puts down the scissors and covers his mouth with his free hand. your eyes go wide. “what? what did you do?”

“i- i, um, we can fix it,” he tries, backing away before you freak out. you hop off the counter and turn around to see what happened. it’s long in the back and too short in the front. how did he mess up this bad in not even two minutes? you gasp and touch your disaster of a haircut.

“tom, what is this? it looks... i don’t even know what to say!” you spin back around, pointing at your half cut hair. he winces when he sees it again. “i’m so sorry, y/n/n. i thought-“ “no, you didn’t! you thought nothing! your mind literally must have been empty.” you sit on the floor with your head in your hands, tom crouching down in front of you.

“look at me, darling.” he puts a hand on your back. you scowl up at him. “it’s really not that bad. you’ll figure out a way to make this work.” “you’re so helpful,” you mumble, leaning your head forward so it’s resting on his chest. you’re being dramatic. he was trying to do something nice for you, and it’s not like this was on purpose. tom rubs circles on your back, you nuzzling your cheek into his shirt.

“should i leave the other side, or would that be worse?” “i can do it for you.” “absolutely not.”

-

“i could only wear my hair up for months because of you,” you laugh to tom, warming up to him again from the memory. he puffs some air out of his cheeks with a smile. “be happy you didn’t ask for bangs.” “that’s because i’d never be able to pull them off.” tom messes with your hair so it’s over your eyes, you pushing his hands away with a breathy laugh. “not true.”

luke shifts in his spot next to you to remind you he still exists. you glance over at him and move your hair out of your face. “um, what was yours?” “i dyed my hair orange once. ginger definitely isn’t my look,” he jokes. it seems like he’s just trying to compete with tom now. you muster up a small chuckle for him anyway.

“tom, you haven’t gone yet,” harry points out, picking up his glass. tom considers the fact for a second. “true, but it’s not much fun if i don’t get to drink. can i get another since i’m behaving?” he juts his bottom lip out at his brother. harrison lets out a long sigh. “mate, i really don’t feel like getting up again. take a break.”

you slide your beer over to tom without a second thought. “you can share mine.” he looks at you like you said something wild. “are you sure we should do that?” he’s clearly referring to luke and how he might take it. at this point, it doesn’t matter to you. luke has been acting off since you started playing, and you’re not going to let him ruin your time with your friends.

you shrug your shoulders and tap the glass. “i’m the one who suggested it. drink up.” he hesitates, but takes it.

“ok, never have i ever gotten kicked out of somewhere.” harrison shakes his head and harry rests his chin in his hand, bummed he can’t drink. luke raises his hands up in surrender. that leaves you and tom. you know exactly what he’s thinking about right now. he takes a sip of your beer and hands it back to you, you finishing off the rest of it.

-

tom brought you to a super fancy restaurant for date night. it’s one of those places that has their own dress code and mood lighting. here you are, sat across from him in your most uncomfortable pair of heels and picking at course three of your meal; a bland salad. tom isn’t thrilled with it either, so you don’t feel too bad.

you rarely get the chance to go out for dinners like this because of tom’s ever-growing schedule, so you’re giving this place a try to make up for it.

“i wanna ask if they have dressing, but i’m scared i’ll get yelled at,” you murmur to tom, stabbing a piece of lettuce with your fork. he bites his cheek. your look of disgust makes a giggle slip out of him. “try holding your breath so you don’t taste it,” tom suggests, fiddling with a button on his jacket to stall from eating.

you take a big gulp of water in hopes of cleansing your tastebuds. tom looks at you from over his cup, doing the same. it’s so hard to take this seriously. “i know you wanted to take me somewhere nice, baby, but this kinda sucks.” you whisper the last part. “you’re right. i’ve heard great things about their dessert, though.”

“we’d find out if they didn’t take five years to serve us every course,” you laugh a little too loud at your own joke. an older woman with diamonds around her neck shoots you a glare. tom finally cracks, joining in your laughter over the situation. your waiter comes back at that moment, and he’s less than pleased by the behavior from both of you.

“is everything okay over here?” he asks sharply. “we’re, uh, we’re fine. thank you,” tom hides his laugh with a cough and makes an overly serious face. your waiter places a check on the table. “we didn’t ask for this yet,” you tell him politely. “i’ve heard several complaints about you two throughout your meal, so i’m going to have to ask you to leave.” he explains, handing you a pen to sign the check.

tom’s fake serious face is now a real serious face.

“you can’t-“ “let us pay for what we had, and we’ll be on our way.” you take tom’s arm from across the table. he would’ve pulled the ‘do you know who i am?’ card without you stopping him. your waiter walks away and goes to serve someone else.

“i can’t believe they’re kicking us out. this is so unfair,” tom complains, but gets out his wallet. he grabs the pen from you to take care of everything. “to be fair, we were being pretty annoying. we didn’t even like our food,” you try to reason.

tom does his signature and leaves money on the table. he’s going to be sulking about this the rest of the night. you stand up with your arm still linked in his and walk him over to the exit. he squeezes you closer to him on your way to the car.

“that was disappointing,” tom speaks again once you’re in the car. he rests a hand on your thigh. you put yours on top of his. “and funny. the only thing is, i’m still hungry.” “yeah? how about we go for burgers?”

you’re in the mcdonald’s parking lot eating your second dinner not too much later. it’s a lot better than your first. your heels are kicked off, your feet on the dashboard while you and tom eat and listen to your favorite songs.

tom steals one of your fries and shoves it in his mouth, sticking his tongue out at you after. that earns him a flick from you. “you have your own fries, weirdo!” “yours taste better somehow. here, i’ll trade you.” he lifts the bun off his burger so you can have his pickles. he knows you so well.

“can i tell you something?” tom asks all of a sudden. you stop eating and turn down the radio with a nod. “i know this isn’t as cool as fine dining, but i’m happy we get to have these moments together. wish they could last a little longer,” tom admits to you while staring out the window. you bring his hand up to your lips and kiss it.

“i’ve had so much fun tonight, and every night i spend with you. i don’t care about some gross rich people food. the only thing that matters is is being together, okay?” tom grins at your words, then leans forward and presses his lips to yours. it’s a short but sweet kiss. it’s a kiss that says the words he doesn’t have. “love you, y/n. thank you.” “i love you.”

-

you and tom are doubled over, giggling like kids with your heads bent together. you’re both pretty buzzed from your drink. you try to get yourself together, but he makes eye contact with you and you bust into another fit of laughter. even harry and harrison join in. it’s nice to finally have all of you getting along.

“i think it’s time to head out,” luke announces, moving to get up from the booth. you turn to him and wipe under your eyes. “oh, ok. i’ll text you later?” “you’re not coming?” he sounds more bitter than surprised. “i’m gonna get a ride back with tom when he’s ready to drive. it’s too early for me.”

luke fully sits himself back down and places his almost full glass in front of tom. all the boys are looking at you, but you have no idea what‘s happening. “why’d you do that?” you ask just to him. “i’ve changed my mind. i’m staying for another round of the game.”

you have a bad feeling about whatever he’s going to say. he’s been salty about you and tom all night, as if he didn’t know you’re still friends. it’s not like him at all. not the him you thought you knew, anyway.

“never have i ever,” luke intentionally directs the question at tom, “broken up with the most amazing girl so i could make shitty movies and fuck models. i wonder who’s done that.”

everyone stays silent. you could swear you’ve just been knocked sober. tom gets up from the table without a word, not bothering to wait for harry and harrison to move. he ignores them telling him not to go and steps over them. he’s out the nearest exit of the pub before anyone can stop him. you want to go after him, but you’re stuck in the middle of the booth.

your ‘boyfriend’ put his jealousy before your feelings for the last time tonight.

“what the fuck, luke?”

-

“are you sure you have everything? you remembered all your stuff from security?” you hold tom’s hand impossibly tighter as you get close to his gate.

he leaves today to film cherry in the states. you’re dropping him off at the airport like you always do, but something feels different about this time. it seems like a more permanent goodbye.

“mhm, it’s all here.” tom squeezes your hand back. you stop walking when you reach the sign that has his gate number on it. this is it. the last time you’ll see him for who knows how long? he stands his suitcase up off to the side and moves so he’s in front of you.

his arms are around your neck now, hugging you so close. you wind your arms around him so there’s no space between you two. he rests his chin on your shoulder, letting out a breath. “gonna miss you so much, baby. fuck, i hate this.” “it’s okay, tom. we’ve done it before. we’ll be okay.” you’re trying to convince yourself and him.

he pulls back from you and holds you by your waist. you stay flush against his chest, grabbing on to his hoodie. you don’t trust yourself to look at him right now.

“y/n, i can’t keep doing this to you,” tom says into your ear, his voice oddly steady for such a big thing to say. “doing what? you mean your job?” your fingers play with his hoodie strings. “i’ll be fine. i always am.” “that’s the thing. i don’t want you to just be fine all the time.” he can’t be saying what you think he is. you shake your head against him.

“you should be happy. it’s not fair that i make you settle for less.” “tom, stop.” you move off of him completely, your throat getting tight. “we’ve already talked about this. you do make me happy, even if it’s from another country sometimes. i don’t care.” he takes your hand again.

“this is something i’ve been thinking about for a while, honestly. it’ll be good for both of us.” “i- what are you trying to say?” tears are already clouding your vision. tom lets go of you. “we need to break up, y/n.”

you can feel your entire heart shatter into millions of tiny little pieces. this isn’t happening. not now. not ever. he’s not leaving you so easy.

you’re crying in the middle of the airport for everyone to see, and tom isn’t too far behind you. “i thought you loved me,” you manage to get out. tom chokes back his tears and wipes yours instead, his thumbs running over your cheeks. “i do, angel. i love you so much that it’s hurting me to say goodbye.” “then why can’t we make it work? please,” you lean into his touch for probably the last time.

“because you deserve more. i’m away all the time, and there are things i can’t give you. you deserve someone who’s here for everything.” tom’s fingers trail down to grab your chin gently, you looking up at him with bloodshot eyes.

“i want more for you, y/n.” “i have you. that’s all i want, tom.” neither of you say anything for a good minute. tom almost gives in, you can see it. you whimper when he grabs the handle of his suitcase instead.

“this is because i love you. i... i need you to understand that.” his voice is soft. you wish he could’ve done this way earlier since he was planning on it. “it’s all happening so fast.” tears are dripping down your cheeks and chin. you want to reach for tom, but there’s no point. his mind is made up. an announcement plays through the airport that tom’s flight is boarding.

“i really don’t wanna leave you like this, but i have to go. i’ll call you after i land, okay?” who are you to stop him now? “o- okay. be safe.” tom presses a kiss to your forehead, letting it linger for a few seconds. he puts his hood up and turns around. you watch him walk to his gate. this is the first time he’s left you without looking back.

you start making your way to the parking lot as soon as he’s gone. it takes everything in you not to scream and sob the whole way back. none of this feels right. if you both still love each other, you should be together.

after the longest walk of your life, you get back to your car. you break down all over again.

-

“i’m trying to help you, y/n. it seems like you forgot what he put you through,” luke scoffs and crosses his arms over his chest. you can’t believe how he’s acting. “let’s talk about this somewhere else. sorry, guys,” you smile awkwardly at harrison and harry. harry waves you off. “it’s okay. we understand.”

luke gets out of the booth, you following behind and leading him over to an empty corner in the pub. your smile fades. “that was fucked up, luke. we didn’t end things for his career. you know that.” “not officially, but it definitely helped.” does he not realize how crappy that sounds? like you were holding him back?

“you’re wrong. i told you exactly what happened. everything you’re saying is some weird story you made up in your head.” “then he should’ve said that for himself.” you throw your hands up in the air. “you made him fucking uncomfortable! i would’ve left, too.” luke laughs bitterly. “he’s really good at that, you know. leaving.”

“he did it because he loves me. fuck you for joking about it, like it wasn’t something that took me a really long time to get over. it’s sad that my past makes you jealous.” there’s a beat of silence before luke says anything. “do you still love him, y/n?” you both already know the answer. “well?” “yeah. yeah, i do.” you push past him and go out the door tom left from. luke doesn’t bother following.

you’re ready to start searching for tom, but he ends up being right outside. he’s leaning against the side of the building. his head snaps up when the door opens. “didn’t mean to scare you.” you walk over to him. he sniffles and shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “‘s alright. rather you than someone else.” “tom, i’m-“ “don’t apologize.”

“i have to. the things luke said to you were really gross, and i hate that i didn’t stop him.” you take a step closer to him. “you couldn’t have predicted anything he said.” tom gives you a tight lipped smile. “he’s... not the kind of person i thought he was.” “he’s a bit of a dick, to be honest.” you giggle a little at that. you’re just relieved tom isn’t taking this too hard.

“so, he didn’t pass the friends test. i guess that’s okay since things are kind of over between us.” tom finally meets your eyes, furrowing an eyebrow. “why? what happened?” “i cursed him out. said some pretty mean stuff.” he holds out an arm for you. you let him put it around you, instantly settling into his warmth. you’ve needed this.

“you can do better. he seemed too boring for you, anyway.” you shrug your shoulders with a small smile. “i wanted to talk to you about that. i’m not really sure how to say this, so i’ll just... say it.” tom’s heart is beating so fast you can feel it next to you. “yeah?”

you turn to face him, his arm still around you. “i haven’t stopped loving you. this is bad timing because you’re about to go film uncharted, and it’s out of no where, but i thought i should tell you. it might not mean anything now-“ “come with me.” you’re both shocked by each other’s words. you laugh in disbelief, tom nodding to urge you to say yes.

“for real? you want me to go?” “i wanna work on us, and i’m not making you wait any longer. i was stupid for ever giving up. we can figure everything out, and it would only be for the summer-“ now it’s your turn to cut him off, your lips crashing into his. his eyes flutter closed as he kisses you back. he grabs your arms and both of you pull back to catch your breath.

tom kisses you again, this time softer. you smile against his lips. “god, i’ve missed doing that. i really, really love you, y/n.” “i really love you, tom.”

and just like that, he put the pieces of your heart back together.

[twomoonstwosuns]

valentine’s day.

back to you [series masterlist]

previous part · next part

pairing: professor!poe dameron x reader

warnings: swearing, pure sweet cheesy af fluff for literally the entire thing

word count: 4.8k lol oops

a/n: eee, here it is! i really hope this lives up to expectations because i really agonized over trying to make this perfect. feedback would be so greatly appreciated.

also shout-out to @myrandom-fandomlife for giving me the help to kickstart my brain and get this written <3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You felt lighter than you had in weeks.

The semester was going well. Graduation was just a few months away. Your sister Tallie announced she was pregnant, her baby coming in the fall. The only thing that had the potential to turn your mood was Poe, but even that had been going well.

You talked more. You hadn’t been over to his place since he bent you over his table the previous week, but you were talking to him nearly everyday. You texted often and stayed up way too late talking to him. You were enjoying it, but you knew you had to be cautious as you fell deeper into attachment.

With Valentine’s Day just a few days away, you began to wonder if you’d be spending it with Poe. You weren’t together, much to your chagrin for fear of putting your heart on the line and being turned down, but people had sex on Valentine’s Day. Maybe you’d at least get that. You tried not to dwell on it too much, but Poe made it increasingly difficult to not think about it…or him. He had spent the majority of the day sending you the most ridiculous pick-up lines, having heard one that morning at his favorite coffee shop that made him cringe with how bad it was. Whether it was a joke or not, he didn’t know, but he found the most ridiculous ones on the Internet and sent them to you, if anything just to brighten your day and make you laugh.

You had just dropped a book off at the library and were heading towards the university center to meet up with your roommates when a car flashed its brights at you. You stopped when they did it again and it took you a minute to realize it was Poe’s car. You made your way over, hearing the soft whir of his window going down.

“Hey, what’re you doing here?” you asked as you leaned in, the warmth from the car’s heater fanning your face. “I thought you had that mixer thing tonight?”

“I’m on my way, I just had to grab something from my office. Then I saw you and just wanted to say hi.”

You could just see him, the cover of darkness providing the perfect shield for your meeting. The smell of his cologne filled the car and you realized it was different but just as distinctive than the one he wore everyday. You narrowed your eyes when you noticed the tension in his shoulders.

“You don’t want to go, do you?”

“Not really.” He admitted with a humorless laugh.

“Could you skip it? I can’t imagine sucking up to department heads is very fun.”

“It’s not, and as much as I want to, I can’t. Snoke’s retiring and they’re looking to find his replacement before the fall semester. There are a lot of people that will be there that I have to impress if I want to be considered.”

“Do you want to be considered?”

Poe nodded, the knot of nerves in his stomach tightening. “It’s just a rumor right now, but word is that President Organa’s already got a small list of people she’s considering to replace him and I’m on it.”

You gaped, a smile forming on your face.

“Poe, that’s amazing. They’d be stupid not to pick you.” You placed your hand on this shoulder. “You have to get going and I have a move to catch, so neither of us have time to listen to me tell you all the reasons why you’d be the best option, but just know you are. And although I may be a little biased, I’m also usually right.”

Poe smiled appreciatively, the support making him feel a little more ready. Of course he’d talked to his dad and his close friends about it, receiving the same encouragement, but it meant so much coming from you.

“So, what’d you think of the pick-up lines I sent you?” He asked, changing the subject. You giggled.

“I thought they were great but my roommates think you can do better, so we spent an hour after class googling pick-up lines,” you explained, making Poe chuckle warmly. “I’m definitely going to blame you for not getting anything done the rest of the week.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

“I did actually like some of them. They were cheesy as hell, but some of them were pretty cute. And the dirty ones were good too.”

“I have one more if you want to hear it.” You nodded enthusiastically. “Do you have any raisins?”

“Did you just say raisins?” you asked incredulously. Poe gave you a pointed look that told you to just answer the question. “Ok fine, um…no?”

“Then how ‘bout a date?”

You threw your head back and barked out a laugh. “That’s a good one. Very smooth.”

“Y/N?”

“Yes?”

“How about a date? Saturday night?”

You froze, unsure if you heard him right, but the way he was observing you with hope told you that you heard every word correct. You couldn’t help the smile that grew bigger with each second you took to process Poe’s words.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, I’ll go on a date with you.” you repeated with a grin, your smile disappearing when you felt your phone buzzing incessantly in your pocket. With five minutes until the movie started, you knew it was your roommates wondering where you were. You glanced at the clock. “I have to get going and so do you. Try not to die of boredom.”

“I’ll text you.”

“You better.”

You took two steps away from Poe’s car when you decided to turn back. You knocked on the window, giving Poe an apologetic smile when he jumped in surprise. The window rolled down once again and you leaned in to press a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“I can’t wait,” you said softly, taking a few steps back as your cheeks heated up. The way he was smiling at you was turning your insides to mush. “Good luck tonight.”

Poe’s soft gaze stayed on you until he couldn’t see you anymore. If he had room to punch in the air in victory, he would have. Meanwhile, you felt like you were sixteen again, like the boy you had a crush on for months asked you to the big dance. The smile stayed on your face for the entire movie, while the one on Poe’s face lingered for throughout the party.

》 》 》

Dress warm. I’ll pick you up at 8.

Nervous was an understatement. You paced in the lobby of your apartment building, your hands practically sweating through your gloves.

If this date didn’t go well, that would be it for the two of you.

“Stop psyching yourself out,” Jessika had told you just moments before. “You guys already have this amazing connection, it’s gonna take something short of admitting to a murder for this not to go well.”

She was right, of course, but this wasn’t just any guy. This was Poe, someone you’d come to care for greatly in the last few months.

It had to go well.

Poe pulled up at exactly 8 o’clock and you snuck into his car, speeding off before anyone could see, like an undercover mission. “So, where are we going?”

“You’ll see. It’s not too far from here.”

You narrowed your eyes and studied Poe, looking for any clues in his facial expression that could somehow spill where you were going. He kept his face neutral, a small hint of a smile on his face. “Mysterious. Ok. How’d the mixer go the other night?”

“Good. Not to sound conceited but I think President Organa likes me.”

“Of course she does.”

Poe winked and you rolled your eyes with an amused smirk on your face. The soft music in the car filled the silence, neither of you quite knowing what to say. You wrung your hands in your lap as nervous butterflies flapped around in your stomach.

“You seem nervous.” Poe said, his hand coming off of the steering wheel and covering yours in comfort. You immediately stopped fidgeting.

“Is it weird that I am?” You asked.

“No. I am too.”

Your confession gave him a boost of confidence. He felt he had gone the extra mile to make this night special, to show his true intentions of what he wanted out of this. He hoped you’d see it and want it as much as he did. Knowing you were just as nervous as he was showed you cared about this going well just as much as he did.

He pulled his hand away to steer his car into a parking spot. His was the only car in the lot, not that it was surprising. Cold and dark winter nights didn’t exactly bring a lot of people out to wander around a park for fun. Poe opened his door, but your hand on his arm stopped him. “I’m nervous, but I’m really happy we’re doing this.”

He gave you an easy half smile, the one that made him so effortlessly striking.

“Me too,” he said, covering your hand with his. “Come on.”

You got out of his car and finally realized you were at Canto Park. It was unrecognizable at first due to the darkness of the night and the lack of people, but you recognized the streetlights that lit up the walkways when you got a closer look. Poe handed something to you and it took a minute in the dark to see that they were a pair of skates.

“We’re skating?” you asked in surprise, completely caught off-guard. You were expecting dinner and a movie at his apartment, the options for doing anything together extremely limited. “This is not going to end well, just so you know.”

“You’ll be fine,” Poe assured you. “Have you ever rollerbladed?”

“When I was like thirteen.”

“Then this’ll be fun. I’ll help you.” You couldn’t help but become a little anxious. The chance of you making a fool out of yourself was very high.

The park was eerily quiet but peaceful, the only sound crunching underneath your feet. The man-made ice rink was lit up with bright lights that nearly blinded you with its sharp contrast to the inky black sky.

“I don’t think we’re supposed to be here,” you said with a smirk as you sat down on the bench next to the ice rink. “I’m pretty sure the park closes when it gets dark.”

“Better be prepared to run if we get caught then.”

“I’m flattered you think I’ll be able to skate, let alone run in skates.”

Poe finished tying up his skates and as you tied up your left one, he scooted closer to you and brought your right foot into his lap.

“What’re you doing?” you asked.

“Making sure you tied them right,” he winked. You gave him a dry, sarcastic laugh as he grabbed the foot you had just finished with. With his seal of approval, Poe helped you up and over to the ice. You gripped the wall until you were sure you had your balance. Like riding a bike, the familiar movement of gliding came back, although you wobbled like a newborn colt with fresh legs because it had been nearly ten years since you did anything like this. Poe did a lap around the rink as you glared at him.

“Show-off!” you called after him, hearing him laugh from the other side of the rink. “Let me guess, you played hockey?”

“Only for fun.” Poe answered, slowing down as he approached you. “I was more into music than sports in high school. I was in a band, though.”

“College professor by day, rock star by night? It’s like modern day Indiana Jones. What kind of music did you play?”

Poe smirked at the reference. “Rock, pop, alternative, whatever you want to call it. We called ourselves The Resistance. It’s how I met my friends Finn and Rey. Still best friends to this day.”

“Do you guys still play?”

“Individually maybe, but together no, we left that back in high school. We had a demo of songs that somehow got into the hands of someone over at Skywalker Records, but we weren’t interested.”

“You didn’t want to be a rock star?”

“Sure I did, but I had other things I wanted to do more. Finn and Rey did too.”

“The Air Force?” Poe gave you a curious look. “The tattoo on your back. I recognize the symbol.”

“My dad was in the Air Force. I got the tattoo for him. I almost enrolled right out of high school, but then my dad got sick.” You gave him a sympathetic look. “He’s fine now, but instead of enlisting I went to college and I worked to be able to stay home and help him out.”

“You guys are close.” You observed.

“Very.” He wanted to tell you why, but didn’t want to bring the mood down anymore with the story of his mother. “What about you? Sports, music?”

You told him how you played soccer as a kid through an amateur league in your hometown. You played up until high school, making the varsity team your freshman year but taken out of the game indefinitely during your first game from a severe knee injury. You told him while you loved music, you participated in choir during high school not because you could sing, but so you could hang out with your friends.

While the conversation was entertaining, you stumbling around on the ice was not.  Poe thought it was though, as he tried walking you through it step by step, giving you tips on how to keep your balance by focusing on one spot in the distance and not moving your eyes from it. Of course your mind chose Poe to focus on, but every little movement he made, especially when he was close to you, grabbed your attention, which made you unable to concentrate. You were having fun even though you were slightly embarrassed about your lack of coordination. You’d miraculously had not fallen, but you bumped into the wall and crashed into it whenever you had to stop yourself.

“Ok, new idea. Let’s try one more thing.” Poe said, turning so he was facing you. He grabbed your hands to make sure you were steady before moving backwards, pulling you with him. “Don’t look down, eyes on me. Now talk about something.”

“Like what?” You were finding it extremely difficult to focus on anything at all except your hands in Poe’s and the impending doom of rolling your ankle at any second.  

“Anything.” He said, turning so he was facing you and skating backwards. “Tell me something not a lot of people know.”

You hummed as you thought about his question. “I seriously considered going to school for photography.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Same reason you’re not a famous musician. I had other dreams and it’s a hard industry to make a career in. It’s probably better as a hobby anyway, I can’t get mad when something doesn’t go right because I’m not under any obligation to be successful.”

“What do you photograph?”

“Anything. I’ve done some senior pictures over the past few summers when I’ve been home. I’ve done some engagement photos, pregnancy announcements. I like to think I’m really good at those black and white hipster photographs of nature and stuff.”

“You’ll have to show me sometime.”

“I always keep my portfolio with me, just in case. I’ll bring it by next time.”

Next time.The promise of a second date. Poe smiled down at you and then looked over your shoulder with a soft chuckle.

“What?” You followed his gaze and your jaw dropped. You had skated from one end of the rink to the other without almost falling.  “Oh my god, I made it!” You laughed happily. Poe smiled at your excitement.

“I told you you’d be fine.”

You were practically bouncing in excitement. You pushed forward, gaining speed and catching up with Poe when you suddenly fell onto your butt when your skate hit a loose chunk of ice.

“Damn it, I was doing so well!”  You exclaimed, holding your arms out in front of you. “Help me up?”

Poe pulled you up with ease, gripping your forearms when you nearly slipped again.

“You good?”

You nodded with breathless laugh, your eyes meeting his. The sudden urge to kiss him consumed you and you glanced down at his lips. Poe did the same, the air surrounding you standing so close becoming thick. Your feet suddenly came out from underneath you and you ended up on the ice with a hard thump. Poe laughed loudly and you couldn’t help but laugh with him at your clumsiness.

“Ok, I think that’s enough skating for you.” Poe said, holding out his hand. You lay back onto the ice with your eyes closed, arms out on either side of you in defeat.

“Nope, I’m done, not moving. I’ll die here.”

Poe grabbed your arms, hauling you up before crouching down to the ice, urging you to get on his back. “Come on, I’ll give you a ride back.”

You hesitated a second before wrapping your arms around his neck. He gripped the back of your thighs tightly as he picked up speed, taking a quick detour to do a lap before taking you back to the bench. You squealed in delight at his sudden burst of speed, the wind whipping your hair. You held on tightly, not letting go until you were being lowered onto the bench. Before you could start unlacing your skates, Poe was doing it for you, being gentle as he slid the skates off in case you hurt your ankle.

“If photography doesn’t work out, I don’t recommend skating as a back-up plan.” Poe teased, and you shoved his chest playfully as you grabbed your boots. You handed Poe his and then the skates, but he pushed them back towards you. “Keep them for next time.”

“You’re going to make me do that again?!”

Poe took your hand and you walked back towards his car, both taking it slow as your legs were exhausted.

“You’ll be a pro by the time I’m done with you.”

You sincerely doubted that, but didn’t want to tell Poe it’d be useless after seeing him so excited to try and teach you. It’s not like you wouldn’t mind trying again if it meant spending more time with Poe.

From relearning how to skate to the conversation, time had flown by and it was nearing ten o’clock. As he drove, you couldn’t help but hope your date wasn’t over despite it getting late. When he took the familiar route to his apartment, you were ecstatic.

He led you inside, itching to grab your hand but knowing there were too many possibilities of someone seeing it. Whether or not they went to school or knew he was a professor and you a student, the night was going too well to risk it. When Poe unlocked his apartment door, your jaw dropped.

The lights to inside were dimmed. A bouquet of roses sat in the middle of the wooden table that had been used not so innocently just last week, with a bottle of wine and two glasses. You scoffed in disbelief as he led you in.

“Wow,” you breathed, still taken aback. “Is this what you did all day?”

“Yeah. I cooked too, if you’re hungry. It just needs to be warmed up.”

You were speechless. Poe had really gone all out. You were secretly happy he had been the one to ask you out and not the other way around, as there was no way you could’ve come up with something to rival what he came up with in a few days. While he dealt with the food, you begged him for something to do to help him out. He insisted he had it but had you open up the bottle of wine.

“Where’s Beebs tonight?” you asked as you twisted the wine opener into the cork, looking around the apartment and not seeing him or any of his toys lying around.

“He’s at a friend’s house.” You glanced up at Poe, giving him a weird look. “No seriously, he’s down the hall at my neighbor Mr. Frick’s. He has a dog named Zorii that Beebs likes to play with. He lives alone, so I think he likes having two dogs to keep him company.”

“Have you done that every time I’ve come over?”

“Sometimes. Other times I usually put him in the guest room when people are here. I love him to death, but he’s nosy. He just gets so excited when people are over and not all of them like him jumping up on them. Not to mention I didn’t want him worried about the noises you were making.”

You understood, having had a dog growing up that had to be kept in a room when you had birthday parties and sleepovers. You were also surprised at how hyper-focused you must’ve been to get Poe naked that you didn’t realize that Beebs hadn’t really been around whenever you were there. You made a mental note to pick up something special for Beebs for being so tolerant of you and Poe’s frequent activities.

You handed Poe a glass, gently clinking yours against his before taking a sip. You noticed he had also lit some candles, adding to the romantic ambiance of his apartment.

“I keep meaning to ask you,” you said as you walked over to a cabinet that held a record player that had caught your eye many times before. “Does this work or is it just for show?”

You waited for an answer, but instead Poe walked over to you, reaching over your shoulder to grab a record. He practically boxed you in, the close proximity of him brushing up against you making you buzz excitedly. He grabbed a record and soon enough the slow strums of an acoustic guitar filled his apartment. Between the flickering candles and the smell of delicious food was filling the apartment, you were in awe.

“Dance with me?”

You set your wine glass down, your heart thundering in your chest. You knew Poe was sweet, but this was turning into the kind of date you thought only existed in movies. You were absolutely swooning and it was only the first date. You’d never been romanced this hard by anyone you dated. You took his outstretched hand and he pulled you into him. The position was familiar, you’d been in this exact stance with him many times, but his touch was soft, not lustful, like he was holding something truly precious. His hand was on your waist, the other holding your hand between your chests, holding you close. Any chill that lingered from your outdoor adventure was long gone. You were warm with adoration.

“What’re you thinking about?” Poe asked softly, bringing your attention back to him.

“The music, the candles, the dancing…it’s all so romantic.”

“Is that such a bad thing?”

“Not at all.” You swallowed, suddenly feeling nervous again. “I just really thought I missed my chance for this.”

Poe pulled back just enough to give you a questioning look.  

“I wanted to ask you out last weekwhen you told me about your date,” you confessed, and Poe felt his chest tighten with a little bit of guilt. It read on his face and you shook your head. ���Don’t. I should’ve told you not to go, or to go out with me instead, but I chickened out. My feelings have been all over the place the last few weeks and after that night I cried on your couch…”

“Yeah, me too.” He didn’t need to elaborate. You knew he felt the dynamic change that night as well. “Since we’re being honest, I only agreed to that date to try and forget how much I was thinking about you. This whole arrangement we have—“

“Not really working for me anymore,” you interrupted, Poe nodding his head in agreement. “But this? This is what I want. Even if I come out of this with a bruised ass.”

“I could say something about bruises on your ass, but we’re having a nice moment.”

Your shoulders shook with quiet laughter, your head dropping down onto Poe’s chest. He hugged you to him once again, his cheek resting against your head.

“Did you have fun tonight?” Poe asked, his tone suddenly unsure. You looked up at him concernedly. “Even though you fell a bunch of times?”

You went to answer him, but he kept talking.

“I know we don’t have a lot of options for dates because we’re technically not allowed to date, but—“

You put your free hand on his cheek, silencing him and bringing his attention down to you.

“This was the best first date I’ve ever been on,” you assured him and he smiled softly as your thumbs gently ran over his cheeks. “And it’s ok if we don’t have options. We’ll make it work. I just want to be with you.”

Poe let go of your hand, allowing his to fall at your waist. His eyes searched yours, brown eyes sparkling with warmth from the candles looking for any hint that you didn’t mean it. He found none and you stood up on your tiptoes, guiding yourself to him with the hand on his cheek, meeting his lips at the same time as he met yours.

He’d never kissed you like this before. Your lips molded together perfectly, already familiar with one another, but it was soft and light with nothing behind it except being in the moment. It took your breath away. You pulled away at the same time and it took you a minute for you to open your eyes.

The beeping of the oven pulled you apart. You reluctantly let go of Poe, grabbing your wine glass while Poe dished up the food. He suggested eating on the couch instead and your achy muscles couldn’t have agreed more. You made yourself comfortable on his couch as Poe ran to get Beebs before it got much later, both of you having severely lost track of the time. Although the dog was happy to see you again, he ran right into Poe’s room to sleep, tuckered out from a night of playing with another dog.

It didn’t surprise you that Poe was a decent cook and you made sure to let him know as you ate. How he managed to plan everything from the date to the food, you had no idea.

“You said earlier that you and Finn and Rey might still play individually. Do you?”

Poe shrugged. “Occasionally. I find myself mostly playing when I get really stressed. It’s relaxing.”

“Do you play for Beebs?”

“No, but he’ll sometimes lay next to me while I play, so I guess maybe a little bit.”

“Will you play for me?”

“Someday.” Poe was already thinking through all the different songs he could sing to you.

“So you skate, you cook, supposedly sing, and dance. What can’t you do?”

“Water ski.” Poe answered and you gasped theatrically, which turned into a loud laugh. “I’m serious! I’ve never been able to stand up.”

“I’ll teach you. It won’t hurt as bad as ice skating.”

Poe moved the dishes onto the coffee table, bringing your legs into his lap.

“Will you stay tonight?” Poe asked, giving your leg a squeeze. “No sex on the first date, I promise. We’ll do this right. There have been too many times I’ve wanted you to stay but didn’t ask you. But if you don’t want to, I’ll take you home.”

“I want to stay.”

You and Poe, on his couch, found yourself in the same position you were in a few weeks prior, except sadness and anger were replaced with adoration and bliss and neither of you were holding anything back. You stayed up until the early hours of the morning, just talking. With how much you knew about each other, it felt more like a sixth date than a first date. It was truly amazing how smooth the this transition was, from just sex to dating.

Like you were meant to be doing it all along.

tag list [open!] - @ah-callie @darksideofclarke @gloomygoregirl @leilei-draws @imaginecrushes @i-ievu @brianamaree @yeeintensifies @spider-starry @krazykatkay456 @fanfiction-trashpile @afootnoteinyourhappiness @easterncryptid @my-child-gaara @myrandom-fandomlife @onebatch--twobatch

[middlingthebest]

That’s not how walkie talkies work

So the sides definitely have walkie talkies, right? Like, they must.

Word count: c.1400

When asked, Roman would maintain that he hadn’t fully understood how walkie talkies worked when he made them, he just knew that he wanted them. The moment he learned about them he became absolutely enamoured in a way that he usually reserved for upgrading his sword or armour. They were just. So. Cool!

He made them for him and Patton first, the two sides giggling to themselves from separate rooms, sometimes still close enough to hear each other without the devices, and would whisper secrets, mission plans, or just nonsense back and forth. When Patton wanted to share his with Logan, Roman made another one and all three could choose who they wanted to talk to. Talking as a group from their separate rooms was popular for late-night ramblings, or for just confirming who was eating dinner at the table that night. “Goodnight”s would be chimed through them in the evenings, even if two of them decided to stay up for hushed conversations late into the night.

When Virgil first showed up, naturally he didn’t know about the light sides’ love for their walkie talkies so when Patton thrust his into his hands, insisting he take it with him before he sunk out, he stared down at it, bemused, before raising an eyebrow at the bubbly side. “Why would I take this?”

“So you can still talk to us, silly!” Patton chimed back with a laugh, reaching over to press the button on the side a couple of times to show how it worked. “You just hold that in and talk and whoever you want to talk to will hear it in theirs!”

Virgil paused for a long moment, staring at the father figure like he’d lost his mind. “Why don’t you just use phones? Or… talk to each other? You do know that this isn’t how walkie talkies work, right? And why would you even want to talk to me, you all seem to be quite happy to see me go most of the time.” He questioned, his shadowed eyes flicking from Patton’s eager expression to Roman who looked like he was physically biting his tongue to keep himself quiet about the situation.

“It’s just more fun this way!” Patton insisted. “I’m sure Roman won’t mind making me another one so if you keep that it means we can talk when we’re not all here. Please take it, I like talking to you and this’ll mean we can all talk more!” Patton then hit him with the biggest weapon in his arsenal: he went in hard with the puppy eyes.

Virgil was floored. He’d never seen Patton when he really wanted something before, never mind had it directed at him. Even Roman, looking spectacularly unhappy about it, seemed to give in and accept that Virgil had been made a part of their walkie talkie club because there was no way that Virgil was giving it back. Not with those eyes staring at him. He wished he could have been more prepared, until now the worst that had been thrown at him was Remus who was significantly more unpleasant but much less effective. He didn’t stand a chance.

“Fine.” He grumbled, a little flustered and desperate to ignore Patton’s immediate switch to cheering. “I’ll take the stupid thing. I still don’t understand why you don’t just use phones…”

That night when the first “goodnight Anxiety!” sang through the box, he kind of got it… but he wasn’t admitting that to anyone.

---

It took a long time for Virgil to actually join in on the conversations with the others through the walkie talkies. He was included a lot more often than he’d though he’d be and he couldn’t be entirely sure that wasn’t just because Patton, for whatever reason, seemed to want him there. Usually he would wear his headphones covering just the one ear, the other free to listen to the little box which would start to rattle off in the evening or late morning as the others chatted amongst themselves in their rooms. It was the night after his debate with Logan that he finally felt confident enough to enter in to the lull in conversation. Having two of the three sides somewhat accepting of his presence filled him with something that felt like confidence’s weird cousin; there was a family resemblance, sure, but the fact you couldn’t deny it was related to confidence was the only thing that stopped it from getting kicked out of family gatherings.

His face and hands heated uncomfortably but his voice was cool as he responded to something Logan had said, his heart seizing with every beat that went by until Patton’s squealing came crackling through the device.

“YOU KEPT IT!” He screeched, some of the notes he was hitting unable to make it through the old speakers.

“Well, yeah.” Virgil mumbled, his face red, and he was glad the others were so far away. “You asked me to, so…”

“Well, you would agree with the nerd, Surly Temple.” Roman griped after a moment, gingerly bringing them all back into the conversation and Virgil was honestly kind of amazed that it really was easier, it was fun, to talk with these stupid little boxes.

---

Telling Remus was a mistake. Honestly, Virgil didn’t know what he’d been thinking, and judging by the look on Janus’s face he didn’t know why he’d done it either. It was an unmitigated disaster. Remus loved the idea but he didn’t just grab and run with it, no: he may as well have javelined it into a crowd of pigeons. The “dark sides” had walkie talkies before the day was out and they worked a lot like Roman’s in the fact that they didn’t follow the standard rules of walkie talkies in who you could talk to and when, but Virgil was also pretty sure they were sentient. For the first design Remus trialled they had had faces. You spoke into their ears, their mouth’s would talk back, and they were utterly horrifying. Remus, of course, had loved them and Janus had been surprisingly ok with it, but when Virgil had woken up that first night to his standing upright on his bedside table staring at him he had demanded that they be changed.

After many, many redesigns they had all settled on a nice, boring, normal looking walkie talkie. Sometimes it would glitch out and channel what Remus with achingly loving tenderness referred to as The Void, and sometimes it would be wet, but beyond that it was perfectly normal. The Void would occasionally whisper hauntingly in the night but would generally stop if asked, and the box had only ever sparked a little when wet so really, out of all of Remus’s creations, this one was surprisingly easy to live alongside.

The only truly unfortunate feature of Remus’s walkie talkies was that they picked up on the light side’s frequencies. No-one was really sure why, but then again, it was only the Creativities who knew how they worked in the first place. Everyone had become painfully aware of this feature when Roman’s screams had pierced through each of their devices, followed immediately by the ungodly combination of Remus’s shrieking cackle over distorted sounds of unseen creatures creeping through the room. Virgil had nearly had his confiscated for allowing the infiltration from the dark sides but both Patton and Logan successfully argued the fact that the other sides were there anyway and taking Virgil’s walkie talkie away was hardly going to change that.

The others soon became roped into the conversations. Usually the light sides (and Virgil) would just stick to themselves, and the dark sides (and Virgil) would do the same, but after a few “goodnight”s and questions thrown their way, Remus and Janus would on occasion interrupt a debate among the others with their own suggestions or distractions and the chiming in soon became the new norm.

When Virgil officially left for the light sides, he took both walkie talkies with him. He’d gotten used to the gentle mutterings of The Void through the night, and the other sides were great but nothing could beat a giggle-fest with Remus at 3am. Being across the mindscape meant that now, more than ever, there was gossip to be had, and Virgil would sooner cut off his arm than give that up with Janus.

It was sheer childish nonsense. It was hard sometimes to understand the light sides enjoying them so much when they were all so close together but for bridging a gap, especially a tense one like the distance between the light and the dark sides, they were perfect.

[classic-rock-roller]

1. You’re hanging out with Bonham and Arin and Danny at lunch during the filming of the power hour. You’re talking about supporting small artists when Danny says, “Me and Arin found this really cool artist the other day, they’re not very well known, but they covered video game stuff and some stuff they say are covers but I’ve never heard them before. Here, I’ll show you.” He pulls it up, and it’s Bonham’s old YouTube channel of cover songs from before you knew each other. How do you and her react to seeing it, and what do Danny and Arin say after you tell them? Me: oh that was Bons before we became a band. Dan and Arin: What?! Bons: yeah that's actually how we met partially 2. Kevin and Bonham are still fighting, and one day, Kevin calls her a talentless hack who got lucky. Before anyone else can say anything, you hear her say, “If you’re not careful I’m gonna beat the jew outta you, boy.” How do you, Erik, Linus, and Sean respond? Erik and Sean: fight, fight, fight!!! Linus: ...idiots Me: Ok, that's enough you both need time to cool off and Kevin stop being a fucking jackass 3. Bonham got bored one day so she decided to color her hair. She shows up to rehearsal with a blonde sunburst on top of her dark hair, and says, “What do you think?” Sean is the first one to respond, and he says, “I don’t like it, change it back.” How do you, Kevin, and the rest of your band respond? Me: I like it. Linus: it looks good Erik is in the bathroom Kevin: I think it looks good too 4. You’re hanging out with Kevin one day and Bonham is upstairs sleeping. After a while you hear a muffled, “Shit!” come from upstairs. Soon, she comes down the stairs, frantically saying, “I’m late, I’m late, I’m–Oh fuck!” followed by a wooden sounding crunch. You turn and see that in her haste, she broke through the center of one of your stairs. How do the two of you respond? Me: Are you ok?! Kevin: Great going, Bons 5. You’ve been hanging out with the grumps more often lately, and Danny has taken to giving you and Bonham nicknames. He calls you Lovely and he calls her a Delicious Treat. One day Bonham asks him how he came up with them. How does he respond, and what do you, Bonham, and Arin say in response? Danny: Well, BabyCarrot is Lovely and Bonham is a delicious treat. We both blush Arin: That doesn't explain anything. 6. Bonham has been drinking more lately, and one day she’s drunk while at your house. Mal asks you and Kevin, “What’s wrong with auntie Bons?” Kevin says, “Well buddy, lately she’s been drinking too much silly juice and it’s making her do different things.” Before he can respond, Bonham shouts from across the room, “Fuck you Kevin. And it’s not silly juice it’s necessary juice.” How do you, Kevin, and Mal respond? Mal goes up to Bons and goes, "Auntie Bons, please don't drink anymore silly juice. I don't like you like this. It scares me." Kevin: Yeah, Bons, you're scaring my kid. Me: Do it for Mal, please Bons. 7. You come in to rehearsal one day with Kevin to find the boys in the studio and Bonham handcuffed to a desk. “How’d you get like that?” You ask. “Nevermind that, can you get me out of here?” Kevin sets to work on picking the lock and says, “You always seem to get handcuffed to stuff when Sean’s around.” She responds with, “Shut up if it weren’t for handcuffs I’d still be a virgin.” The boys are coming into the booth just as she says that. How do you, Sean, Kevin, Erik, and Linus respond? Sean and Erik: What?! Linus: What did we just walk in to? Me: That's very concerning Kevin: How did that happen? 8. Bonham’s noodling around one day in the studio with you and QR for your collaboration when she starts to play Clarinet Candy (available on request). When she pauses, Kevin says, “Jesus those are some fast notes.” She smiles and says, “I got the fastest tongue in the West. That came out wrong.” How do you, Kevin, Carlos, Rudy, and Frankie respond? Kevin and Frankie are laughing. Carlos: Want to put that tongue to good use? Me: Carlos! Rudy: Carlos, don't be a creep. 9. You’re on the set of Game Grumps with Bonham one day waiting for the final cut before uploading when Arin and Danny ask you, “Have you ever played fire truck?” You tell them no and they both get excited. “This’ll be funny, Shelby hasn’t either.” They sit each of you down in chairs, and Arin kneels in front of you while Danny kneels in front of her. “Alright,” Arin explains. “This is how it works.” He puts a hand on your ankle, and Danny does the same to Shelby. “Our hands are the fire trucks, and your legs are the streets. When you want us to stop, you say red light. Got it?” You both say yes, so they both slowly begin moving their hands up your legs. Arin gets just above your knee when you say red light. He giggles a little before saying “Fire trucks don’t stop for red lights.” and keeps moving his hand. How do you react? How does Shelby react to the game? What do the Grumps say when you’re done? Me: If you don't take your hand off my thigh right now I'm kicking you in the jewels. Arin jumps up and pouts before saying, "You're no fun." Bons makes it a little longer but then accidentally kicks Danny. While Danny is on the floor he goes, "...this may not have been our best idea." 10. You and Bonham Meet Kevin and Rudy in the studio one day and Kevin looks to be in distress. “What’s wrong, man? I haven’t seen you this devastated since I told you Candy Land isn’t a real country.” Bonham says. How do they respond, and what’s the cause of the distress? Me: Really Kevin He thought I was super pissed at him over something. 11. You and Kevin and Sean are hanging out one day and Bonham’s got music going. A nice bass solo comes in and she says, “I’m always a slut for a kickass rock and roll bass line.” “Is that why you’re such a virgin at songwriting?” Kevin asks. How do you, Bonham, and Sean respond? Bons: I will punch you in the face and not regret it. Sean: Hah, nice one Me: Kevin, don't be an ass. 12. You’re dating Duff since you and Kevin broke up a while back, and you two are on a date one day. You’re having a ncie time when you see Bonham walk in. She walks over and says hi. “What are you dong here man? You wanna join us?” Duff says. “Oh, no thanks, I’m actually meeting somebody here.” she says. He asks who she’s meeting but just at that moment, Kevin walks up and says, “Hey babe.” before kissing her. Turns out that’s who she’s meeting. Duff suspects he’s doing this just to try to get to you. How do you and Duff react, and what do all four of you say when the kiss breaks? We both smile and I go, "Good for you guys! I hope you have a good date. Bons I'll see you at home you gotta tell me all about it." Kevin blinks and Bons goes, "I told you your idiotic plan wouldn't work. Now I have to go home to wash my mouth out with soap. Blegh." She leaves Kevin standing there with a bright red face looking stupid. 13. In the studio for your collab with QR, Kevin keeps picking on Bonham’s sax part. “You need more vibrato, you sound automated.” he keeps telling her. At one point she looks at him and says, “You want vibrato? I’ll give you fucking vibrato.” She takes a breath, and as she plays her note she shakes her instrument, producing a disgustingly shaky sound out of anger. How does Kevin respond, and what do you and the rest of QR say? Kevin: Well...not that. Me: My ears Rudy: Jesus Randy: You alright there, babe? Drew: Jesus I think you blew out my ear drum. 14. After Rudy and Bonham break up, Sean is antsier than usual during rehearsal; so much so that you pull him aside and ask him about it. Instead of telling you why he’s antsy, he says, “I need to ask you something, as my friend and as my boss. I want to date Bonham, but I know that that’s fucked with your lineup in the past. I want to know if you’ll give me permission to. I’m not leaving the band, whatever happens.” What do you tell him? How does he respond? Me: I don't think that's a good idea. You work together and you're also ten years younger than her. Sean: I respect your decision and won't pursue a relationship with Bonham but age is just a number you know. -------------------- 1. You and your singer let Tommy, Nikki, and Vince stay with you guys after they were evicted from their apartment. One day, you and your singer come back to find burned footprints in the carpet and you find Nikki standing in the middle of your singer's bedroom with his thigh high boots on fire and Tommy and Vince looking at him. "Jesus fucking Christ!" Your singer screams, she goes to get the fire extinguisher and Nikki steps closer to her records. She screams, "Step away from the records." Before blasting him with the fire extinguisher. "What the fuck were the three of you doing? Why are there burned footprints on our carpet?" You ask. How do Tommy, Nikki, and Vince respond and what do you and your singer say? 2. Your singer has been debating about dying we hair for weeks. She finally does it and when she comes out to you and Kevin before she drys it kevin goes, "Did the dye even take to your hair?" How do you and your singer respond? 3. Your singer comes to a rehearsal for you and your joint tour with Crüe. She brings along this guy and she introduces him as Mick. "This is Mick. He's a good friend." She then introduces him to you guys and she stops at Mick and says "And this is Mick Mars. He is where you got your nickname from." How do you, Mick, Tommy, Nikki, and Vince respond? 4. Your manager thought it would be a great idea to put you on one of those tidying shows for publicity. The lady comes to help you clean and she makes a beeline for you and your singer's records in the living room and starts talking about pairing them down. Your singer says, "If you lay a hand on our records I will fucking cut you. Don't fucking touch them." How do you and the cleaning lady respond? 5. You and Kevin are at a bar. Your singer is with you and Kevin has a huge crush on her (but he hasn't asked her out yet). You just roll your eyes and say, "Go talk to her." He gives you a look and goes, "Are you crazy? "I can't talk to her. She's got that "don't fuck with me" attitude all over her." Your singer comes over and goes, "Who had "don't fuck with me" all over them?" How do you and Kevin respond? 6. You and your singer are on a public plane with Crüe to get to one of your concerts. All of a sudden you hear Panama by Van Halen playing over the speakers and David Lee Roth comes walking down the plane aisle like Jesus and Michael, Alex, and Eddie are close behind them. Your singer runs to Nikki next to her and goes, "Jesus are they full of themselves. We came on like normal people." She says this loud enough for David to hear. How does David respond and what do you, Nikki, your singer, Mick say? 7. You, Sean, Kevin, and Rudy are helping your singer's family set up for her aunts memorial. You're looking through pictures to put in frames when Rudy pulls out a photo of her and her cousin and says, "Aww you looked so adorable as a little kid." Sean pulls it out of Rudy's hand and looks at it before saying, "If you think playing tug of war like a dog is adorable." How do you, your singer, Kevin, and Rudy respond? 8. You and Rudy are helping your singer clean out your and her kitchen and Rudy is rifling through some junk drawers. He pulls out an old zippo lighter and asks her, "Why do you have an old, rusty zippo lighter? It's junk." Your singer grabs it from him and goes, "Don't throw it out! It was my aunt's and it reminds me of her." How do you and Rudy respond? 9. You and your band are taking a break from recording and Sean has his laptop out. All of a sudden he says, "People ship our band weirdly." When you ask what he means, he turns his computer towards you and your singer and you find a detailed orgy fic of your band. How do you, your singer, Erik, and Linus respond? 10. You and your singer are in line with Kevin at a famous soup kitchen in New York. The owner is called the soup nazi but you have no idea why. Your singer goes to order and she's about to say something and she stumbles over the soup. The chef slams his soup spoon on the counter and screams, "No soup for you!" How do you, Kevin, and your singer respond? 11. You, Sean, and Kevin are sitting on the couch watching a movie when your singer storms into the living room, throws a box at Sean and goes, "Stop hiding your coke in a fucking candy box, Sean. I don't want my kids eating it. If I find that you haven't kicked the coke habit by the new year, the band is putting you in rehab. Because this is getting ridiculous." How do you, Sean, and Kevin respond? 12. Your band ends up putting Sean into rehab and on the first group therapy session you can tell Sean has a lot of resentment towards your singer. How does the therapy session go and what do you, your singer, Erik, Linus, and Kevin say to Sean about his drug use? @osbournebemydaddy Your turn Bons :)

[zanybohbot]

The Outsiders: A Stupid Night Out In London

A STUPID NIGHT OUT IN LONDON - The Outsiders (1st Episode)

Published: 10-10-19 - Updated: 10-15-19

Warning: Rated R for Strong Language/Sexual References

Enjoy!

Part 1: The Plan

(Squit N/R: In case you're interested, at the walking with da bros' day in L.A. began 'with prayers, followed by hymns and then an inspirational reading. Here it began with Pinky and Pesto showing us a pornographic video.)

Pinky: Watch this.

Wakko: This is tame.

Brain: What the hell? Pinky, they're not even naked. Oh, wait a minute, is she gonna?

(they all gag at the video)

Brain: Oh, my God, that can't be real!

Squit: That's got to be chocolate.

Pinky: They should've got a bigger cup.

Pesto: Yeah.

Squit: REALLY! How tame is that, dafuq?! (gasp) Oh, Christ, I'm gonna heave.

Wakko: Jesus wept! Don't lick it! She's gonna vomit.

Squit: I'm gonna vomit.

Pesto: This is the best scene, look.

(they gag again, loudly)

Wakko: Ohhh! Oh Is it possible to un-see things? I don't like girls anymore.

Squit: So you get a new laptop and the first thing you did was find that?

Pinky: No, it wasn't the first thing.

Squit: This was the first thing.

(WOMAN MOANS) Oh, y'all such saddos.

Wakko: I AM NOT A SADDO...I'm a man!

Squit: That's it, we can't carry on like this!

Pesto: Carry on like what?

Squit: We can't spend another day treading water, being the same old sad cases.

Pesto: (confused) Whaddaya mean by dat?

Squit: Nothing, we can't be the same old sad cases.

Pesto: (furiously) Are you calling me crackers? Are you saying that I am a large sodium covered square here to amuse you? IS THAT WHAT YA SAYIN'?!

Squit: NO! You idiot, you not a sad case!

Pesto: HA! That's what I thought. I'm not a sad case.

Pinky: Yo dad's gay.

Pesto: Fuck off.

Squit: Look, the point we've got to do something else.

Pesto: What do you mean?

Pinky: Carpe diem that puh?

Wakko: Piss off my siblings?

Brain: Seize the world, do something unexpected?

Squit: No. Reinvent ourselves, show the girls and everyone else who we really are. Like clubbing in London.

Brain: No, thanks. I'm not taking my car 'coz the insurance company will kill me.

Squit: Awww, what?

Wakko: Well, I could drive us. I got a car last weekend.

Squit: You've got a car?! Have you passed your test already?

Wakko: Yeah, I have.

Pesto: Now we don't have to drive around to the airport in Brain's ol' bitch mobile.

Brain: Good 'coz I'm not going.

Squit: Look, you don't have to drive, will you come, please?

Brain: It's not the driving. It's more that we won't get in anywhere, won't get served and might get robbed, stabbed or killed.

Pinky: Bullshit! I go up to London all the time.

Brain: When do you ever go to London?

Pinky: I went 5 times, I fucked some girl up there.

Squit: Did you? Where was that?

Pinky: It was in the Tower of London.

Squit: (sarcastically) The Tower of London? What did you do after you'd fucked her, cut her head off? Showed her the crown jewels?

Pinky: Maybe because she'd already seen the crown jewels, smartass!

Squit: Whatever. (looks at Brain) Brain, please come along.

Brain: But it'll be expensive.

Squit: C'mon, now you're just making excuses.

Pinky: Plus, don't some of those clubs charge? I've already told you, I know the homie who runs all the doors. He'll slip us in.

Brain: And when that turns out to be bullshit, then what?

(Billie walks to Brain.)

Billie: Hi, B!

Brain: Bills!

Billie: How's your stomach?

Brain: Oh good.

Billie: I have some great news to tell you. We're going to London on Saturday, clubbing. Do you want to come?

Brain: Sounds fun, we'd love to go. Which club are you going to?

Billie: Erm Spearmint Rhino.

Brain: Wait, Isn't that a strip club?

Billie: Yeah, sorry, Buster Bunny made a mistake. We're going to one of the big ones, one of the big cool ones right in the middle of London.

Brain: Cool which one?

Billie: Erm the Land of The Sound. And that's exactly where we're going.

Brain, Pinky, Pesto, Squit and Wakko: NICE!

Wakko: I'm driving if you want a lift.

Billie: Nah, we'll probably head up early. A lift back would be great, though.

Wakko: No problemo.

Pinky: So do you go clubbing a lot?

Billie: Me?

Pinky: Uhhh...yeah, you.

Billie: Erm Yeah, yeah, course. Anyways, dancing on the podium probably or up by the speakers, where it's, if anything, too loud!

Brain, Pinky, Pesto, Squit and Wakko: NICE! OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!

Brain: See you there.

Billie: See ya.

Brain: Great.

Billie: See you later, then.

(she leaves)

Pinky: What did I tell you? London and pussy go hand in hand.

Brain: Fuck yeah, I'm going on a date with Billie!

Squit: It's not really a date ya know.

Brain: I think it is.

Pinky: Shall we go and get ready for tomorrow night?

Brain: Yep, good idea.

Part 2: Trip Gone Wrong

(All 4 were walking to the Warner's siblings' house to pick up Wakko.)

(Squit N/R: I had no idea how we'd actually get into a club, 'but I wasn't taking any chances and wore my smartest shoes, 'something Brain didn't do.)

Squit: Uhhh. Why are you wearing sneakers, B?

Brain: Because they look good. Everyone wears sneakers you know.

Squit: I specifically said no sneakers, not if we want to get into clubs. Pinky hasn't got sneakers on, Pesto hasn't got sneakers on, I haven't got sneakers on.

Pinky: Yeah. Ewww...you've got fucking flippers on! What size are they anyway?

Brain: Well duh, Pinky. I am size 8, my size.

Pinky: Yeah, Ronald McDonald called - he wants his shoes back. (Laughs)

Brain: Just shut up, Pinky.

Squit: Well there's nothing wrong with these, they're 1970s French. (looks at his own 1979 Dior's he's wearing)

Pesto: Hey! Where are my-a flippers? At least you'll be all dank if yo stupid-ass fall in the mafia.

Squit: Yeah, very funny. Look, all I'm saying is would it have killed you to wear "normal" shoes just to be on the safe side?

(They saw Wakko's 1975 Ferrari)

Pesto: Whoa, check out Wak's car!

Pinky: Yeah! It's shit-hot!

Squit: I'd say half-right. (The car looks half-damaged and brown) Yep, it's shit.

(Pinky knocks their door and Dot opens it as she is smoking weed and wears emo-pink hair.)

Brain: Hi, Dot! I was…

Dot: Don't ask. He's already upstairs getting ready.

Pesto: So how's things with you?

Pinky: Yeah! I feel like I haven't seen you in ages.

Dot: Wak! Those assholes wanna know if you're coming out to play or not.

Wakko: (upstairs) Coming!

Pinky: (carefully stares at Dot's boobs) So D, would ya came to tha club wit us?

Dot: Yeah, will you stop staring at my tits, please?! (leaves)

Pinky: OK, I'm thinking it's a big N.O.

Pesto: She must be on the blob.

Wakko: (comes downstairs to go outside) All right? What do you think of the car, then? It's like a tractor beam for fanny.

Brain: (nervous) I love it! Good job, buddy!

Wakko: It's got a Piper exhaust and a well smart body-kit. My sister's boyfriend is helping me do it up, he's a mechanic.

Pinky: Well it will be nice for Pesto's dad to have a man about the house, Wak.

Pesto & Wakko: What does that mean?

Pinky: It means, "Does Pesto's dad suck dick?"

Pesto: No! But your sister does.

Wakko: No! Well, I mean, she might do. Oh who am I kidding anymore, she definitely does.

Brain: Oh nice Porsche Engineering sticker by the way. (looks at Wakko's Porsche sticker on his car)

Wakko: I know. I put that on myself, it's gotta be worth at least a hand-job.

Squit: How fast does it go?

Wakko: Who knows? I ain't got it going yet.

Squit: This'll be the first time you've driven it?

Wakko: Nah, it don't work, it ain't got an engine in it yet. Dave's still trying to find me one.

Pinky: But, motherfucka, I thought you were driving us up to the airport.

Wakko: Yeah, so did I.

Brain: (getting angry) Oh, god. Why...why did you...why haven't you told us that before.

Wakko: Well, I'm sorry. I thought you knew.

Brain: So how do you plan to drive us up there without a car?!

Wakko: I thought I was going to drive your car.

Brain: But you're not insured to drive my car, Wakko!

Wakko: (pondered) Ohhh. Whoops.

Brain: (sarcastically) WHOOPS! That's it, a fucking "whoops"?! Hey, Larry. Did you hear that guy without an engine saying "WHOOPS"!?

Wakko: God, I said I was sorry.

Squit: Oh, well, since Wakko had one job but clearly FAILED, I guess there's only one last solution. (They look at Brain about his car)

Brain: What? (They still look at Brain until Brain gasps realising what's gonna happen next) Oh no! Nope! Sorry, not gonna happen.

Squit: But, you have to.

Brain: No! I already said no, and the insurance company will get pissed if they find out I've driven that car to London.

Pesto: Oh, don't beat yourself up. They won't find out.

Pinky: And even if they do, you'll have far too many fingers up Billie to care.

Squit: Please, Brain?

(Brain finally realized he knew what he had to do.)

Brain: Oh, Christ, thanks a lot, Wakko!

Wakko: You need to be clearer about things, I reckon.

Brain: (furious) OK, is this clear enough? (Brain hits Wakko with a pencil) You're a fucking idiot!

(They walk to Brain's car)

Pinky: Calm down! I'll get some beers for the trip.

Brain: I can't drink and drive!

Pinky: Course you can, it's just a saying!

(Squit N/R: So Pinky, Wakko and Pesto already brought lagers from the gas station and we were gone. But I feel like the episode is gonna take to long while we're in the plane sooo...let's just cut to the chase in England, shall we? The plan was simple - get to London, get into a club and pull Billie and Amber. I said it was simple, not realistic. Meanwhile, we can enjoy the enlightening conversation in the car.)

Pinky: OK, newsflash, who would you rather fuck, Squit's mom…?

Squit: (facepalms) Great.

Pinky: ...Wakko's sister…?

Wakko: ASS!

Pinky: ...or Pesto's homo dad?

Pesto: FUCK OFF! (silence) Maybe...Squit's ma.

Squit: Don't join in, Pesto!

Pinky: Well, I dunno about dat. Wakko's sister would have the tighter snatch, I guess.

Wakko: Leave her out of this!

Brain: But Squit's mom has got huge tits.

Wakko: They are amazing.

Squit: (sarcastically) Thanks, Wak.

Brain: Although Wakko's sister looks like she'd be better at sucking dick with Pesto's dad.

Pinky: Like father like daughter. I could see her going at it like a dog eating hot fries.

Wakko & Pesto: Shut up, Pinky!

Pinky: I'd like to put my cock in them both.

Squit: That's a touching sentiment.

Pinky: I'd touch yo mama's sentiment.

Squit: That doesn't mean anything.

Pinky: It means I'd touch her puh - with my diugh.

Squit: (sarcastically) Nice one!

Wakko: I've thought about it, and I'd definitely rather fuck Squit's mom.

Brain: Are you sure, Wak? What about your sister's tight snatch?

Wakko: No, totally sure.

Pinky: Nice, slow down a minute, B! (Pinky opens the window to shout "Bus Wankers!" to all the British people waiting for a bus.)

Brain: (laughing hysterically) Bus wankers! Where did that come from? Bus wankers!

Pinky: I dunno, it just felt right! Remember, this is England. You could see their little faces drop as they thought, "We must be the bus wankers."

Pesto: Pull over, B. I need a piss.

Brain: I can't pull over, there's a bus lane.

Pesto: Please, I'm desperate, c'mon.

Brain: You'll just have to hold it, Pesto, we're late enough.

(Pesto found an empty can so he can pee in here as he was laughing like a villain.)

Squit: What are you doing?

Pesto: Ayy, coo off.

Brain: Are you pissing in my car?

Pesto: Nah.

Brain: Then, what's that noise?

Pesto: I'm pissing in a can.

Brain: What the fuck?! You'll get piss on the floor!

Pesto: Ayy, coo off. It won't overflow. I've got mah chap's-eye right in there, so I can't miss. No problemo.

Pinky: It stinks, Pesto!

Pesto: (gasp) Uh-oh, it don't wanna stop.

Pinky: WHAT?!

Brain: What do you mean, "it"?!

Squit: Just stop pissing yourself, P!

Pesto: Quick, pass me another can!

Wakko: That's not happening.

Pesto: It's filled up to the top, I've got to get it out and...OH SHIT! (gasp) Oh, my helmet! (gasp) I've cut it on the can! (gasp) Oh, I think it's bleeding!

Brain: Fuck bleeding! Is it still pissing?

Pesto: Oh, it stings!

Squit: Does anybody wanna swap seats with me?

Pesto: I will!

Squit: Not you, Pesto!

Brain: Get rid of it, Pesto!

(Pesto threw it out the window but somehow got 25% piss on Pinky.)

Pinky: Ah, Pesto!

(Squit N/R: So high on the smell of Pesto's urine, 'we headed for the bright lights of London.)

Part 3: Bus Wankers Gone Wrong

(Squit N/R: Look out, ladies, phase one was complete. We had finally made it to London. And we even managed to see all the sights 'Because Brain got us totally fucking lost.)

Brain: It must be somewhere round here.

Pinky: Well, duh. How should we know? I knew we'd get lost.

Brain: Thanks a lot, you idiots!

Wakko: What did I do?

Squit: Lemme see. Wakko has a car without an engine and Pesto pissing IN THE CAR!

Pesto: Ayy, coo off! Is it our fault you're a shit driver?

Brain: Look, I don't want Billie to be pissed off if I'm late, OK.

Wakko: Ha. You need to grow some balls, I reckon.

Pinky: Why not pull over and ask someone where the club full of clunge is?

Pesto: Wait. (Gets out his laptop from his suitcase) I've got Google Maps on my laptop. Should be able to find it no problemo!

Brain: Pesto, will you just shut...

Pinky: Aye aye!

Brain: No, Pinky! DON'T!

Pinky: (Looking at the people waiting for a bus) Bus wankers! (HE LAUGHS)

(Brain pulled over because of the traffic.)

Pinky: Why are we stopping?

Brain: I tried to say! Oh, Christ, Pinky!

Pinky: Well it's not my fault if I...oh shit! (He saw an angry person from the bus coming.) Oh, shit! Oh fuck, they're coming! Shit! Drive!

Brain: Where?! Where am I actually gonna drive to?!

Squit: Anywhere!

Wakko: Oh, shit!

(Brain drives to the pavement.)

Squit: No, Brain, anywhere but the pavement! ANYWHERE BUT THE PAVE…!

(The car is on the pavement)

Squit: ...ment. I specifically said anywhere BUT the pavement.

(A black man comes to Brain)

Brain: Greetings, British people, I… (Brain is getting choked by a man) Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I...

Man: Who's a wanker? I'm a wanker, am I? Yeah?

Brain: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Man: Yeah? Yeah?

Squit: He said he was sorry.

Brain: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry

Man: I'm a wanker, yeah?

Squit: He's sorry. He's really sorry.

Brain: I'm sorry. (The man let's go of Brain's neck.) Sorry.

Man: (HE LAUGHS AND LEAVES) I'd rather be a bus wanker than drive that piece of yellow shit with those fucking Americans!

(silence)

Pinky: Holy fuck, words cannot describe how you two pussied out.

Brain: (angrily) Oh, what now?!

Pinky: Don't "what now" me! (mimics Brain) Ooh, sorry, sorry! Ooh, I'm sorry, don't hurt me, sorry.

Brain: 'Coz you got me fucking throttled!

Pinky: Ooh, sorry!

Brain: Oh, fuck off!

Wakko: (mimics Brain) Sorry I'm on the pavement.

Pesto: (mimics Brain) Sorry, sorry, sorry for my little shit-ass car.

Pinky: I'm sorry I'm alive and a bender!

Brain: JUST FUCK OFF!

(Brain rotates his car back to the road continued driving)

Wakko: Sorry, B!

(They all laugh, except for Brain and Squit)

Wakko: Sorry I'm such a tool!

Pesto: Oh, sorry, I pissed in the car!

Pinky: Ooh, sorry I pissed British people off!

(Squit N/R: Don't get me wrong, Brain's a good friend, but it's fair to say he drives like a retard. But eventually, in Chinatown, just a few hundred yards from the club, we found the perfect parking space. Well, almost perfect.)

Brain: Guy, I don't think I can park here.

Squit: We've been driving round for an hour looking for a space. This one's perfect, let's just get going!

Brain: But it says we'll get clamped.

Pinky: Nah, it's a weekend, bruh? Different rules.

Squit: I'm sure he's right, B, and no-one clamps any more.

Pesto: Please can we get going? I really need to check my D. I think I've got a big problemo.

Brain: (annoyed) Can you stop saying "problemo"? It's not cool or funny, it's just embarrassing.

Pinky: Don't worry, P, he'll say sorry in a minute.

Wakko: Ha.

Brain: Maybe I should move it?

Squit: Brain, listen to me. Billie has agreed to go clubbing with you, that's a big step forward, but in the hour it'll take to find another parking space she could have gone off the idea.

Pinky: She could be jerking off the DJ by now.

Squit: I doubt that's happening, but the point is valid. This is a great parking spot, let's just get a move on.

Wakko: We are wasting valuable boning time.

Brain: Fine. Fine, c'mon. (He was about to lock the car.)

Pesto: Don't bother locking it, B.

Brain: (sarcastically) Yeah, thanks, Pesto.

Pinky: If you're lucky, someone might steal it!

Brain: Yeah, good one.

(Squit N/R: So despite the odd throttling and cut penis, we made it to the club - the girls even seemed pleased to see us!)

Brain: Hey, Bills!

Billie: Oh, hi Brain. I wondered where you were.

Brain: Did you?

Billie: You're actually here.

Brain: Yes. You weren't lying about coming, huh?

Billie: No. Why would I be lying?

Brain: Don't know. Don't know why I said that. Great, well we'll see you in there?

Pinky: Don't be a pussy, just slip in!

(All 5 slips through the line.)

Billie: Oh, are you joining us?

Brain: Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

Plucky: (at the back) Are you fucking pushing in?

Max: (at the back) Excuse me, those assholes pushed in!

Buster: So, great you're near the front.

Squit: Yeah, well, been here long enough.

Babs: Suppose you have.

Squit: I just really wanna get inside and dance now.

Buster: Us too.

Babs: There's something very animalistic about our need to dance.

(Plucky and Max are throwing cans at them and laughing.)

Babs: Dude, their throwing stuff at you.

Squit: Don't think so. They're frustrated 'coz they want to get inside too. They're saying, "Let us in, we've got great dancing ants in our pants!"

Plucky: (at the back) Get to the back of the line, you fuckboi!

Amber (behind Squit): Do you mind if we stand with our back to you? I don't want them to think you're with us.

Squit: No probs.

(Squit N/R: Amber had the most beautiful back of a head I'd ever seen. Now all we had to do was get into the club. Until…)

Security Guard: No trainers.

Brain: What?!

Security Guard: No trainers.

Brain: But they're new.

Security Guard: No trainers.

Billie: I'll see you in there in a minute.

Brain: Yep, good idea.

(Billie goes into the club while the other are still outside.)

Wakko: Yep, well, we're fucked.

Brain: I take it you don't know that bouncer, then, Pinky?

Pinky: What's this gotta do with me? I'm not tha one wearing sneakers!

Squit: (angrily) You fuckin' idiot! I am totally in there, like...totally. Would it have killed ya to wear shoes?

Wakko: We could probably make another pair out of yours and have enough leather left to cover a sofa.

Brain: (looks at the homeless guy wearing black shoes) Doesn't matter anyway, I've got a better idea. I'm gonna borrow some shoes.

Squit: What?

(they all look at the homeless guy)

Pinky: Ewww...Hammerhead shark!

Pesto: Oh, no!

Squit: Look, I'm gonna level with you - I am scared. London scares me. The bouncer scares me and that man REALLY scares me. Let's just put this one down as another character forming experience and go back home.

Brain: Come on, Squit! It's for Billie! She'll love it, it's romantic.

Squit: Well, It's not Romeo and Juliet. These are gross shoes we're talking about! (Brain runs to the homeless guy.) NO! DON'T!

Brain: Scuse me, dude? Dude? Scuse me? Can I borrow your shoes?

Homeless Guy: Eh?

Brain: I wanna borrow your shoes, I'm trying to impress a girl.

(Squit facepalms)

Homeless Guy: Giz a blow job.

Brain: What?

Homeless Guy: I'll give you a blow job.

Brain: No. God, no, no blow jobs. I just want your shoes.

Homeless Guy: All right, £200 quid!

Brain: Great.

Homeless Guy: And your shoes.

Brain: Oh, of course.

(Squit N/A: Good old Brain. I can always rely on him to add a touch of class to proceedings. In many ways, though, it proved how much he valued Billie. Certainly more than he valued his dignity.)

Brain: (he puts on the shoes) Uhhh...they're a bit soggy.

Homeless Guy: Aye, that'll be my piss.

Brain: OK. Thanks.

(He walks with Squit and the others to the club.)

Squit: I can't believe you…!

Brain: Don't!

(Squit N/R: I'm not saying it was the most fucked up club in England, but you have to question, a door policy which says no to sneakers, but a big thumbs up to piss-soaked tramp shoes.)

Part 4: In A Party

(Squit N/R: But we were in! We had got in! Yes! In the club! An actual club! Yes! I've died and gone to "clunge" heaven.)

Squit: Oh, nice! Well, this is what we wanted.

Wakko: This is it, the first day of the rest of our lives.

Pesto: It's one small step for a man, one giant leap for ya flippers.

Brain: Really?

Pinky: Fuck yeah, 'coz you won't be laughing when we pull Billie and Amber.

Brain: No I won't, 'coz it ain't gonna happen.

Pinky: You can spend your evening talking to little bitches, me and Wakko and Pesto are gonna find ourselves some proper puh with experienced snatches. (as Pinky, Wakko and Pesto leaves)

Brain & Squit: Good luck with that.

Squit: (shouting) Just so you know, I think the Tower of London is closed now.

Pinky: (from the distance) Whatever.

Brain: (as he saw Billie walking towards him) There she is. How do I look?

Squit: You look good.

Brain: From the ankles up, obviously.

Squit: Obviously.

Brain: Where's Amber?

Squit: Don't worry, she's keen, I'm sure she'll find me. Away you go, dude.

(Squit leaves.)

Brain: Wish me luck.

(Brain saw Billie)

Brain: Billie.

Billie: Brain, you got in! I thought you were turned away.

Brain: Oh, the bouncers were being complete dicks and there was a thing with my shoes. They're out of ice already. Can you believe that?

(Roderick came along.)

Billie: Oh, Brain, this is Roderick. He's a BFF of Amber's.

Brain: Oh.

Roderick: Y'Okay?

Brain: Yeah, you?

Roderick: Course, man. Saw ya playing the character in Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain. You were sick.

Billie: Not to mention, Brain is an old friend of the family, he first met me since we were 13. Not just that, though.

Roderick: Can you smell piss?

Billie: Um Urgh, yes.

(Brain looked worried because of the shoes.)

Roderick: That's totally rank.

Brain: Must be the toilets.

Billie: We should move.

Brain: Yeah, good idea.

(They all left.)

(Squit N/R: Meanwhile, Pinky, Pesto and Wakko headed downstairs to discuss the nuances of sexual politics.)

Pinky: She'd definitely get it!

Wakko: Most definitely.

Pesto: What about her? I think she looked over.

(Points to a girl in the middle.)

Pinky: What, her? Nice body, frightening face. You'd have to do her from behind.

Wakko: What about her? Still big, but then fat girls are more grateful.

(points to a girl in the right.)

Pinky: Wow, check out the jubblies on that! Oh, she'd get it.

Wakko: Until it fell off.

Pesto: Oh, please don't.

Pinky: Please do.

Pesto: (gasp) Oh, no - she's given me a boner, my cut's worse than ever. I've gotta go and fix it. (runs to the bathroom.)

Pinky: Suit yourself, but we might not be here when ya get back. That one's giving us tha old, "I'm gonna milk yo ballsack dry" look.

(Squit N/R: And in the bathroom, Pesto had a very big "problemo" with his dick.)

Pesto: (still rubbing his penis with water as he groans) Please, make it stop.

(Squit N/R: I had my own difficulties in the cock department. Amber was sitting next to one.)

(Squit saw Amber with Max.)

Squit: Amber! There you are, found ya! Ready to put on your dancing shoes?

Amber: I know I am!

Squit: That's good!

(Squit meets Max.)

Squit: Hi, I'm Squit.

Max: Max.

Squit: So, do you come here often, Max?

Max: I bet you say that to all the girls!

Squit: Ya got some chutzpah, I'll give ya that. Anyway, nice to meet ya, Max, but we're going.

Max: What?! I'm good here, thanks.

Squit: Come on. It's getting a bit crowded round here, eh, Max?

Max: Sorry, dude. No chance.

Squit: Look, come on, dude. You've had a good run. Believe me, if I was in ya shoes and I saw a gorgeous girl sitting on her own, I'd have made the move by now, but I'm here now, so...

Max: So what?

Squit: So do the honorable thing and step aside, because I was in with her first.

Amber: No, you weren't.

Max: Jesus, is he for real? He talks like he's from a black and white film.

Squit: Yes, I was. I stood with you in the line.

Amber: Yeah, behind me.

Squit: (getting angry) Well, more beside you. And you specifically asked me if I was coming along tonight. I have got witnesses ya know.

Amber: (annoyed) Squit, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.

Squit: Evidently! So is that it?! So shall I just go away and leave you to it?!

Amber: Yes.

Max: Go away!

Squit: Fine! Fine! That's the last you see of me anyway. (he leaves) Thanks, Max. Thanks a lot, dude.

Max: No probs.

(Squit N/R: I was starting to go off Amber. She wasn't really my type anymore. Elsewhere, my friends were faring no better.)

Roderick: I can still smell it. It's following us.

Billie: Brain, I'm not being rude, but I think that smell might be you.

Brain; Okay, fine. You caught me. These shoes do kick up a bit.

Roderick: Jesus, dafuq is on your feet?

Brain: These aren't my shoes. I had to borrow them to get in.

Billie: I'm sorry but who brings spare shoes to a nightclub?

Brain: No-one. I swapped them with a homeless guy outside the club.

Roderick: What was he, a tramp?

Brain: (confused) I think you're supposed to say homeless now.

Billie: Sorry, you're wearing a tramp's shoes?

Roderick: Bro, that's fuckin' disgusting.

Brain: (looking awkward) Yeah. Maybe.

(Meanwhile in the bathroom, Pesto is still fixing his cut penis as Pinky and Wakko enters the bathroom.)

Pinky: Dafuq's taking ya so long?

Pesto: Oh, bro, it's not good. Get me a band-aid, it's bleeding, look.

Pinky: Motherfucka, put ya dick away! That's disgusting.

Pesto: But that's da problem tho, I can't. It stings when it rubs on my underwear.

Wakko: Well, take your underwear off.

Pesto: Then it'll rub on my jeans.

Pinky: Pesto, no matter what ya old man says, ya can't walk around London with yo dick hanging out.

(3 security guards went into the bathroom to kick Pinky, Wakko and Pesto out for "wanking".)

Pinky: What?!

Pesto: I wasn't doing anything!

Wakko: HELP!

(Meanwhile, Brain and Squit are talking in the club.)

Brain: So she didn't see the romantic intention behind the tramp shoes? Not immediately, but if that prick, Roderick, hadn't been there it would've been different. To be fair, the smell is appalling. What happened with Amber anyways?

Squit: Oh, the usual. It was going quite well, then she realised I'm a massive dickhead and she pulled some other asshole.

Brain: So, we didn't…?

Squit: Nope.

(silence)

Brain: This place is trash.

Squit: Ya right, let's go.

(Brain and Squit were about to leave when they saw Pinky, Wakko and Pesto getting kicked out.)

Pesto: No, wait! I wasn't jerking off.

Squit: (sarcastically) Wow, just my luck.

Pesto: My D's cut. My D is cut!

(Squit N/R: So we were kicked out, out the club. The actual club kicked us out. Exactly 25 minutes after it started, our life as cool London clubbers was over.)

Final Part: YOU OWE ME £200!

(All 5 are walking down the alleyway to Brain's car.)

Squit: So, tell me what happened again?

Pesto: I was looking at the cut on my dick. Pinky and Wakko were helping me out.

Brain: (confused) Sorry, they were helping you out?

Wakko: (embarrassed) Oh boy, here we go.

Pinky: (annoyed) Look, it's not what it sounds. Okay.

Squit: (teasing) 'Coz it sounds like you two were watching Pesto jerking himself off in the bathroom.

Pesto: Ayy, coo off! I wasn't jerking off, I was just rolling it around in my hands.

Squit: Okay, spare us the details.

Brain: Oh, fuck. What if Billie's getting off with that asshole?

Pinky: Don't cry, B. At least you can get your sneakers back.

Brain: What? (He looks back at the homeless guy he met before, as the homeless guy got Brain's sneakers covered in shit.)

Homeless Guy: Fucking beauty. I'll have that, you bastard.

Brain: (annoyed) Oh, wow. How the FUCK did this happen?!

Homeless Guy: What?

Brain: Oh, c'mon, man! You've only had them an hour!

Wakko: Maybe he's been out?

Squit: Technically, he's always out.

Brain: (furious) That's it, I'm done! Let's go! I've had enough! Standing sober in an alleyway stinking of piss and wearing a tramp's shoes was not what I had planned for this evening!

(They leave the alleyway where the club is.)

Squit: Out of interest, did you think it would go better or worse than this?

(Squit N/R: So the night was over and all we wanted to do now was get back in Brain's shitty car and go home, but until...)

Brain: Oh no.

(Brain and the others saw his car got clamped.)

Brain: Oh, fuck. Oh, fuckety fuck fucko! Ooh, shit. Fuck, how much money in British pounds have we got between us?!

Pinky: No, yo stupid-ass chose to park here. (laughs)

Brain: Goddamnit, Pinky! (looks at Squit) Squit?

Squit: Sorry, man. I don't have any pounds left. Getting in cleaned me out. The only thing is to have a Visa to exchange money, but I left mine at home.

Brain: So nobody has a Visa?

Pinky, Wakko and Pesto: Nope.

Brain: (angrily) Great, well we're fucked. We've got no Visas.

Squit: Dude, I really hate saying this but...I think you'll have to call your dad.

Brain: Are you fuckin' insane?! It's one in the morning. He's gonna go fucking ballistic.

Pesto: Unlock it, B. I'm freezing.

Squit: He loves you. Plus, you dad is the only one to have a Visa. I'm sure he'd rather come and get you than see you suffer.

(Brain sighed and went to call his dad from his phone.)

Brain: Dad, it's Brain. Brain! Don't panic, nothing's wrong. Just calm down. No, I'm not dead. Well, if I'm dead, how could I be talking to you?

(The delivery guy comes out of nowhere.)

Delivery Guy: Oi!

Squit: Fuck.

Delivery Guy: You owe me £200.

Brain: I'll call you back. (hangs up)

Squit: Sir, as I am sure you're aware, private clamping is illegal. In addition to that, it is a weekend...

Delivery Guy: I couldn't get my fucking van out.

Brain: Look, I've just called my dad and he'll...

Delivery Guy: I couldn't give a fuck. £200 NOW!

(They all screamed as they get in the car quickly.)

Brain: I don't have it!

Squit: We don't have it!

(The delivery guy shakes and bashes Brain's car)

Delivery Guy: I want £200! Can't you fucking read? No fucking parking! I missed all my fucking deliveries.

(Brain saw Billie walking.)

Brain: Billie! Billie!

Delivery Guy: Give me my fucking money now. I'm gonna fucking kill you unless you give me my fucking money?

Brain: Do you still want that lift?

Billie: Erm, no. I'm fine, thanks.

Brain: Okay, see ya in…2 days.

(Billie leaves.)

Squit: Dude, just call your dad.

Brain: (sighed) Fine.

Delivery Guy: £200 £200! GAHHH! I'm gonna fucking kill you unless you give me my fucking money!

(Squit N/R: So we had successfully reinvented ourselves, but not as the boys who go clubbing. We were now the boys who freaked out girls,... (Dot: Yeah, would you stop staring at my tits, please?!) ...apologised a lot,... (Brain: Sorry, I'm really sorry.) ...wore tramp's shoes,... (Brain: Uhhh...they're a bit soggy. Homeless Guy: Aye, that'll be my piss.) ...and jerked off in public bathrooms. (Pesto: My D is cut!) And we agreed to never go clubbing in London ever again.)

Pesto: I think you've got a big problemo.

Brain: Oh, just shut up, Pesto!

Squit: Wow, you're really obsessed with that word.

Pesto: (confused) Whaddya mean by that?

Squit: What? Nothing, I just said you're really obsessed.

Pesto: (angrily) Oh, so what your sayin' that I'm an egotistical maniac who takes things too seriously to be annoying? That my range amuses you? Is that what your sayin'?!

Squit: No. I just said you're obsessed.

Pesto: I'm obsessed.

Squit: Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

(Then Pesto gets furious.)

Squit: (scared) Oh, for christ's sake.

Pesto: DAT'S IT! (then attacks Squit.) THIS IS ALL YA FAULT, YOU GOT US INTO DIS MESS!

Pinky: Ha, ha. Don't worry, Brain. Maybe y'all should try saying sorry over and over.

Wakko: Oh, sorry for parking like a retard.

(Pinky and Wakko laugh while Brain gets furious.)

Brain: Oh, just FUCK OFF!

THE END!

Hope you guys enjoyed this fan episode, I have been wanting to do this for a long time. If some makes an animation of this, it will be zany as FUCK! Thank ya, see yo lata! Peace.

[darke15]

Hello Rhymie! @rhymingtree

Had a busy, horrid Sunday. This’ll be my late night pick-me-up!

🖤🖤🖤 I hope your monday is better 🖤🖤🖤

Also I’m skipping the coffee. I’ve learned my lesson this time.

lol but i like your chaotic rants...they entertain me

OH EXCEPT FOR HIS FAMILY. RIGHT OF COURSE THEY’D BE CONVENIENTLY THERE SO THEY CAN BECOME TARGETS FOR THE MOB NICE NICE OK GOOD START GOOD START

hehehehehehehehhe 😈

… Darke, I’m scared.

good 😈

ARI AND JESSEEEEE being adorable buddiesss… as adorable as a hulking man with a habit of violence and a firecracker pilot with a rebellion streak can be.

i love them so much

DID SHE JUST CALL HIM CUTE

yes, yes she did 😏

What… did he find? Oh god, what did he find…

😏😏😏

Sidenote (and I’m sure I’ve said this before), you’re so fricking good at balancing so many characters all at once and making them feel so real and so relatable and yet so broken that I love every single one of them. They’re all so unique but they’re also so unquestionably yours. I don’t know how you do it Darke, but you do it so well.

thank you so much 🖤

Also- your dialogue. Fuckin’ perfect. I love the way they all just bounce against each other in conversation, it’s so fricking cool

dialogue is one of my fave things to write, i'm so glad you like it! 🖤

Ah… Ari/Jesse. I gotta think of shipnames for these guys it’s getting a bit hard to keep track of them all…

🖤🖤🖤

“…You should try it sometime.”

He paused this time, raising a brow as he looked back at her, “What? Friends?”

Like I said. Fucking relatable. Not saying I don’t have friends but the flippant disregard he has for any social interactions beyond the few people he’s close with is just… me

same tho

I wish Ari threw more people out windows. Like on Buencamino’s yacht. The window was right there. There were bodies everywhere. I should have made him throw out at least one of them. :(

boone and duke have mom jokes. belov has his vodka. air throws people out windows. they all have their own thing

DUKE IS RELIVING MY FAVORITE MOMENT FROM THE LAST EPISODE

i loved that part. jack drooling over duke was adorabbbleeee

Awww Nea and Nia warm my heart and they’re not even doing anything yet. They’re just there and they’re stealing the show

👑👑 the queens of aftermath have arrived on base

TURNER JOHNSON BEING A BADASS POLITICIAAAN! They’d have been so proud of him.

they would have made fun of him but they'd be so so so proud

Danny would have been his biggest hype man…

he really would have

I am making myself sad for no reason

you're making me sad bruh 😭

NEA AND BABAR ARE RIGHT DUKE ASK HIM ON A DATE SGJIERJPOGHP

yesssssssss

Nea doin’ the lord’s work right now

she really is

“Ask him on a date and maybe he’ll let you play with his trucks,” she said, making her elephant hop from Duke’s shoulder to his head and back down again.

A twisted grin curled to Boone’s lips as she leaned against his ear to whisper, “That’s not all he’ll let you play with.”

Excuse me what

you heard her 😏

I love it when grown ups almost let out a very big bad word and then stop right in the middle before it’s uttered to change it to something innocent… It’s so cute.

it's one of my fave things to do

When Boone does talk to Ghost again, it’ll be the death of me.

sameeee

His name is Frazier?

No wonder he’s so pretentious. He sounds like a trust fund baby

🤣🤣🤣

Ari’s right Frazier. Throwing out eight guys out the window is an achievement, so shut up and leave him alone 😠

yesssssssssss

Raf reminds me of me, we are both stupid smart people. Except he’s an actual fucking doctor and the most I have done was keep myself on the honor roll.

🤣 i love that so much 🤣

Zac sounds a bit scary when you describe him like this what the heck- wait nevermind, I looked just like that three days ago trying to meet my deadlines.

same tho

Now I crave Aftermath and Spidey interactions… Like, Boone and MJ? Or Belov? My god, the mess that would make…

it would be pure chaos

LOOK AT ZAC MAKING MORE FRIENDS! It’s so fricking awesome seeing Alpha Two slowly come together.

i love this season purely for that reason alone, they're all v slowly coming together

Did they not realize that by making him look family oriented with making his family public, that he was putting his family at risk WITH THE MOB!?

😈😈😈

fricking cliffhangers gosh darn it

heheheheheheheheheh 😏

Jack’s fixing jeeps again! How interesting, i wonder what’ll happen next. Wo knows who might turn up 😉😉😏😏

who knows? who could it beeeeeee

OH HI DUKE FANCY SEEING YOU HERE

wellll haiiiiiiii

Oh he didn’t ask him out 😒

he got scarrrrredddd again

Boone weaing a green dress is giving me fluttery feelings in my stomach.

same tho

I also forgot Thomas’ name and for the sake of comedic effect I will not scroll up to check.

lol so did I

Ah, right. Frazier. Ok. I’ll forget it again later.

same

YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO BOONE. NOT TO THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE

Rhymie!!! when i tell you i spat out my coffeeeeee 🤣

How did… how did lil thomas manage to shove Ari (with his whole size and everything) out the door?

pure rage

Jesus, Mary and Joseph… Boone looks amazing.

she really do

BARDOT CALINESCU UIRIOPODR

🖤🖤🖤

Boone can throw me down a flight of stairs and curse my bloodline… even then I’d be in love with her.

saaaammmeeeee

Fuckin’ loved this chapter so much. I’m so excited for the next episode, and I’m so so excited to see it all come together. Boone is everything.

Thank you so much!

I’m too tired now and my brain is fuzzy. I’ll be going to sleep dreaming about Boone in that green dress, kicking ass and taking names.

Sleep well my love 🖤

THE SOLDIER & THE SPY

SEASON 2 : EPISODE 5 — THE GIANT

┍━━━━━━━━━━━ ★ ━━━━━━━━━━━┑

“Hadar!” He snapped, waving his hands in front of Ari’s face to capture his attention, “You aren't even listening.”

“No, I am not.”

Thomas sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers, “You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?”

“Doing what?” Ari shrugged, with a half-hearted roll of his eyes, “I haven't done anything.”

“You threw a man out the window,” his team leader scoffed with a quick shake of his head.

“Men.” Ari corrected him, picking at his nails as he relaxed back in his seat, “Eight men.”

“And you're proud of it.” Thomas sighed, his jaw cocking to the side.

“Have you ever thrown eight men from a window?” He asked, “It's rather difficult.”

┕━━━━━━━━━━━ ★ ━━━━━━━━━━━┙

✪ | Battle Scarred : Aftermath | »Darke15

♜ THE SOLDIER & THE SPY

⧗ THE RED ROOM

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[classic-rock-roller]

1. You’re on the couch with Bonham and the boys one day when someone knocks on the door. You get up to answer it and see a 12-year old girl standing there. “Is there a uh…Mr. DuBrow here?” “Yes, how can we help you?” She looks to her feet before saying, “Well, uh, my mom told me that he’s my dad, and I uh, just wanted to know if I could talk to him? If that’s okay?” Do you let her in, and how do you and the others respond?

“Sure Sweetheart, come in. Kevin! Someone is here to see you!” 

She tells them who she is and Kevin sits there. 

Kevin: That’s...um...how is that possible?

Randy: Pretty easily. You slept with a lot of people.

Bonham: Yeah, it took BabyCarrot to stop you from being a manwhore. 

2. You’re out with Bonham one night when she suggests that you prank call the boys, who are back at your house. Kevin picks up the phone, puts on a phony British accent, and pretends to be the host of his favorite radio show. “Alright, sir, if you can just sing Barbie Girl for us, you’ll win a hundred dollars.” She barely finishes her sentence before he busts out singing. Bonham can barely hold in her laughter. “Oh my God he actually fell for it! And he knows the words!” How do you respond and what happens when he finishes singing?

I’m laughing so hard I can’t say anything. When he finishes Bonham goes, “Thank you. We’ll be in touch with when we can get you the money.” And then hangs up. 

3. Ever since that article came out rumoring that you and Bonham were dating, the press are just going wild with it, even going so far as to include Kevin and Randy in their assumptions. You all find it pretty funny. You all pass a newsstand and a magazine says that Bonham’s sleeping with Kevin. “I thought I was supposed to be sleeping with Kevin.” Randy says. “Dammit, Randy let me have my affair in peace.” Bonham replies. How do you and Kevin respond?

I’m laughing so hard I can’t talk and Kevin goes, “Yeah, Randy, let us have our affair in peace!” 

4. You’re at the reception for Bonham and Randy’s wedding when you see Crue passing money between themselves. “What are you guys doing?” you ask. Nikki explains, “Way back when Bonham and Randy got together we made a bet on whether or not they’d get married. Vince swore they wouldn’t last a month, Tommy thought they’d get married, Mick thinks they’ll get divorced eventually, and I think that they’ll be married for 10 years before something happens. You want in on the action?” How do you respond and what happens when Bonham and Randy stop to greet Crue?

Me: No, That is disgusting you shouldn’t be making money off their happiness. 

Crüe quickly hides the money when Bonham and Randy come up to say hi and I just glare at Crüe and shake my head until Randy and Bonham leave and then say, “I hope you’re happy with yourselves,” before walking away.  

5. Your sister is coming to visit, and Bonham promises she’ll be on her best behavior, even though Kevin is skeptical. The morning that your sister is supposed to arrive, you and Kevin find Bonham in the kitchen pouring whiskey into a mug. “No one will know, because it’s in a coffee cup, shoo do do–oh hey.” she was singing to herself before she turned around and saw you two. How do you two respond?

Kevin: Self-medicating. I should've thought of that. At least we could have survived this visit if we were both drunk. 

Me: Come on you two, she’s not that bad. Plus all three of us can’t be drunk. And I’ll get into a row with her if the both of out are drunk out of your minds.  

6. You get a phone call one day from the owner of a jazz club. “Is this the singer for War Angel?” “Yes, who’s asking?” “My name’s John and I’m the owner of Razzle. I was wondering if you and that sax player of yours would want to do a week’s worth of shows for us? You’d have to study up on swing music. I know it’s a little different than your usual gigs, but we think you’d be great. Whaddaya say, you in?” What do you do and what do Bonham and the boys say?

“Sure that sounds fun, but let me talk to the band first ok?” Bonham and the boys love the idea and while it’s a little hard at first getting used to a new music genre we have a fun time. 

7. Bonham comes bursting into your house one night after a date with Randy. She’s squealing like a schoolgirl until she finally calms down enough to tell you, “He asked me to marry him! Can you believe it!” Before you respond, Kevin comes in and says, “Oh, so you can be a girl. I was starting to wonder.” How do you two respond?

Me: Ignore him. *I pull her to the couch* Tell me everything. I want every last detail. 

Bonham: Ok, well...

She gives me every detail and Kevin rolls his eyes before getting a beer from the fridge and saying, “I’ll see you in bed later. I can tell this’ll be a while.” 

8. You’re waiting for a table at a crowded restaurant with Kevin, Randy and Bonham. It’s a long wait and there’s not much sitting room, so Kevin is standing, you’re sitting, and Bonham’s sitting on Randy’s lap. When it’s time for you all to be seated, Bonham springs up. “Finally, I’m starving.” She starts walking with you and Kevin, and you see that Randy’s still sitting down. “Come on, Randy, let’s go!” Kevin says. Randy uncrosses then re-crosses his legs before saying, “I’d rather uh, not? Right now? I’ll be right back.” before scurrying off. How do the three of you respond?

Kevin: Happens to the best of us. 

Bonham: What? What happened? Where’s Randy?

Me: Oh, he had to go to the bathroom. He’ll meet us at the table in a bit. 

9. Bonham’s still on pain pills for her wisdom teeth, and they’re screwing with her head. At one point, she sits down on the couch rather heavily. “Everything alright?” Randy asks her. “I hate these stupid pills. If this is high, I don’t like it.” she says. Kevin says to her, “You’re just not doing it right.” How do you and Randy respond?

Me: And she will not know the “proper” way to do it, Kevin. I also thought I told you to knock that shit off. We’re not bringing our son into a house with a drug addict for a father. 

Randy: Please don’t teach her the “proper” way.  

10. You thought the WA killer had been apprehended, but when your tour stops in Virginia, you find out that you’re wrong. You’re getting ready for rehearsal when Randy calls you, “They didn’t catch the killer, Bonham got shot twice when she went to the store. You and Kevin should get down here.” How do you two respond and how do you go about this?

Me: Oh my god, ok. ok. ok. 

Kevin: It will be ok. She’s not going to die. 

We rush down there and thank god this guy is a terrible shot he didn’t hit anything vital but they had to put her into a coma. I don’t leave her side. So Erik, Linus, and Daryl handle the statement about the postponing of the tour for a couple months as Bonham gets better. 

11. You’re backstage before a show with QR one night when you hear yelling coming from Bonham’s dressing room. You step out of yours to see what’s going on when she yells really loud, “How dare you upset me this close to showtime!” before running right past you. Randy follows, saying, “Wait, come back!” He stops next to you just as Kevin comes out to see the commotion. What happened and what do the three of you do?

Randy said something about postponing their wedding because it interfered with the tour and he didn’t want to make her super stressed out. 

I tell Randy I’ll go after her to calm her down and Kevin stays back with Randy to keep him from freaking out. 

-------------------

1) You follow after your singer after she storms out after the argument between Nikki and Kevin. You guys walk for about an hour or two until she feels that she can go back to the hotel. When you get back, you find Kevin standing in your hotel room. When your singer asks what he’s doing there, he gets down and says, “I know I was stupid and jealous and childish. But the thought of him taking you from me scared me and I didn’t want that to happen. I was blinded by jealousy and didn’t realize that that was pushing you away.” He pulls out a small gold band. “I know this isn’t much but I can’t get you the one you deserve right now. So, would you marry me?” How does your singer respond and what do you say after watching this whole thing?

2) You and Randy are over at your singer and Kevin’s house for dinner. You, Kevin, Randy, and their boys are eating dinner while your singer is feeding Roxanne. You look over to see Kevin give a weird face before spitting out his food and going, “Oh my fucking god! I just ate a fucking stinkbug!” How do you, your singer, and Randy respond? 

3) You, Randy, and Kevin are sitting on your singer and Kevin’s couch when she comes home from work. She comes up the steps and tosses a magazine into your lap. “You know the friendship’s real when there’s a rumor you’re gay for each other.” You look at the magazine to find a twelve page spread about you and your singer’s relationship. How do you, Randy, and Kevin respond?

4) War Angel has just finished their tour and you all collapse on the bus afterward. With Kevin and Randy bringing all the kids on. Erik goes, “The tour is finally over.” Linus adds, “We haven’t had off in weeks.” And Daryl goes, “Now we have free time.” There’s a lull if silence before your singer says, “God, what the fuck are we going to do?” How do you, Kevin, Randy, and the band respond?

5) Kevin and Randy come home form a guys night out to find you and your singer cuddled on your singer and Kevin’s couch watching a movie. Kevin looks at the two of you and goes, “The two of you look more like a couple than she and I do. And we’re an actual couple.” How do you, your singer, and Randy respond?

6) After Kevin tells your singer they’re not going on a tour with a newborn she goes, “Oh yes we are. I’ve been stuck in this godforsaken city for almost a fucking year fearing for my life from that fucking psychopath out there who still hasn’t been caught because police are incompetent. If I spend one more month in this fucking city I’m going to go fucking insane. We are going on tour. I will perform with her in a strap-on if I have to. I don’t care.” She has a wild look in her eye and this is the first time you’ve seen her like this. She’s scaring Kevin and Randy a bit. How do the three of you respond?

7) You and Randy are over at your singer and Kevin’s house for dinner again and she places mashed potatoes down on the table. You all eat them and once Kevin goes back for seconds she says, “You like them?” Kevin looks at her, “Yeah, I love them.” “Good, because it’s cauliflower.” Kevin stops,”But I hate cauliflower.” “Not that kind apparently.” How do you, Randy, and Kevin respond?

8) Your singer comes out into the kitchen and you and Kevin are sitting at the kitchen table. She immediately goes to the liquor cabinet and pours vodka into her travel mug. You and Kevin look at her and you go, “Babes, are you ok?” Kevin says, “Yeah, isn’t it a little early for you to be drinking? It’s only 8:30.” She turns to you and goes, “I have to work 11 hours today. I’m going to go insane.” She then takes a swig from her mug. How do you and Kevin respond? 

9) You’re about to go onstage for your first concert after your singer gave birth to Roxanne. She kisses Mal and Eddie and then turns to Kevin. He kisses her and then pulls her into a tight hug. He doesn’t let go two minutes later and your singer says, “Kev, you have to let go. We’re supposed to be on in five minutes.” He just hugs her tighter, “I don’t want to let you go.” How do you, your singer, and Randy respond and what do you do to get Kevin off her?

10) The photo of your singer kissing your cheek has blown up and now everyone thinks you’re dating. Eventually, it dies down but one day, Kevin comes home and slaps a magazine on the table. You, your singer, and Randy look at it and it says, “War Angel Sex Tape we have it here!” What does Kevin say and how do you, Randy, and your singer respond?

11) You, Randy, Kevin, and your singer are in an interview and the interviewer asks Kevin, “I’ve seen that you and your wife have just welcomed a wonderful daughter into the world. How does it feel to now be viewed as a family man instead of the hard-partying rocker?” What does Kevin say and how do you, Randy, and your singer respond? 

@osbournebemydaddy   your move Bonham, love