#I only had less than 30 minutes I’m so out of schedule lately-

[diegusting]

Inktober: day 12 - Remote

He’s enjoying his time on being island representative of this remote island living the best life

[malachiexists13]

4. "Less terrible than I imagined"

//tw: none

Notes: again, very rushed. Im sorry <3 Also ignore that it says "Lives in the UK" lmao

After rushing to get dressed, Y/n raced out of their dorm (with weird looks from Venti, ofc) and got to the library as quickly as they could. Yet they could not see Alhaitham anywhere? So, they decided to text him again.

Y/n turned off their phone, choosing to just leave him on read. How infuriating. They quickly made their way to where he had said he was, and of course, there he was. Sitting at the table nonchalantly with a book in hand. “You know, fuck you,” they said as they approached. “I believe you already said that to me once today.” “And I’m saying it again. Couldn’t have given me a warning ahead of time?” 

Alhaitham narrowed his teal gaze at them, “What? Going to say you were doing something of greater importance than this project?” Y/n startled, and took a seat next to him, “Well… no. But it would’ve been nice to have some warning.” “I’ll take that into consideration. Now, we have a project to focus on, do we not?” Y/n rolled their eyes, but grabbed out their supplies. The sooner this was over with, the sooner they’d never have to speak with him again. 

Time seemed to fly by as Y/n and Alhaitham became engrossed into the project, and soon, it was much later than originally anticipated. The clock read 7pm, and the sun had already set. The library was scheduled to close within the next 30 minutes. Alhaitham glanced out the nearby window and sighed, before packing up his stuff. “Come on, I’ll walk you home.” he told them. But Y/n was quick to shake their head, “No need. I’ll be fine.” “I forced you to come out so late. It’s the least I can do as whatever apology you’re after.” 

Seeing that arguing was futile, Y/n agreed. An uncomfortable silence infiltrated and polluted the air as the two walked side by side back to Y/n’s apartment building. Alhaitham didn’t seem to be one for small talk, nor did Y/n have any interest in conversing with him. But even so, things still felt awkward. But suddenly-- “You know, Y/n.. You’re more knowledgeable than I gave you credit for. Infact, I look forward to completing our project.” 

Y/n stiffened, “Did… Did you just compliment me?” “..Is it so strange for me to do so? I was only acknowledging your intelligence.” He questioned, confusion etched ever so lightly across his features. “I suppose I just didn’t expect it.. I’d always heard about how rude you are.” “Rude? I’m not being rude, I’m being honest. If that is considered ‘rude’ then I suppose some people are too emotionally fragile.” “Anddd there’s the Alhaitham we all know.” 

Despite his attitude and quick mood changes, perhaps Alhaitham wasn’t so bad to be around. Perhaps once one got used to his incredible “uniqueness.” 

As Y/n walked into their room, their phone buzzed. Turning it back on, there was a text from Scaramouche.

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Taglist: @chosomybeloved @swivy123 @ayanokomu @ghostlysyntaxed @deathkat657 @hey-comrade-hold-stil @caffeine-mess

[sardonic-sprite]

June of DOOM

Here we goooooo

9 fics, 30 prompts, currently about 50 pages and 18k words, and 6 NDEs... 5 of which are Jason. Oops. Anyway, here is the schedule, as well as titles, prompts, and a preview paragraph

June 3 - Help (Just A Kid Ch2)

Prompts: Day 3 - "I can handle it" | Day 12 - Fainting | Day 28 - Knife

Jason didn’t know how he stayed on his feet as long as he did. How he held the knife still when the hilt and his hand kept growing slicker with his blood. How he crawled up the two stairs to slump against the rail, or how he raised one fist to thump it weakly against the door. How he’d even made a loud enough sound to be heard. But he had.

June 4 - Yea, Though I Walk

Prompts: Day 4 - Delirium | Day 16 - Stairs | Day 18 - Blankets | Day 24 - Illness

Tim only hummed, unsure, but Father slipped behind him and carefully lifted him up, bracing him against his chest. He was warm, and Tim pressed closer, and it chased away a tiny bit of the chill. A cup pressed against Tim’s lips. He opened his mouth and sweet, cool water flowed in, taking away the awful taste and calming the raging fire in his throat.

June 7 - priceless

Prompts: Day 6 - Duct Tape | Day 7 - Disoriented | Day 13 - Rescue | Day 21 - Choke

But Jason wasn't arrogant enough to think he could rip free from the mummifying layers of tape and take down Allen before the man could suffocate him again. He needed someone to tell Allen he'd get his money so that he'd leave Jason alone until rescue came or he devised a way to escape on his own.

Jason mentally groaned. So fucking much for keeping this a secret.

June 10 - bane

Prompts: Day 2 - Sobbing | Day 10 - Shackle | Day 23 - Poison

This was a risk any time any one of them went out, and Bruce knew that, and he struggled with it every day. This was a relatively common occurrence, a drugged out, chained up bird or bat, and Bruce might’ve thought he’d be over the rush of pure terror by now, but no. Every damn time someone hurt his kids, or even got close, he completely froze, for a split second, stomach twisting and mouth going dry, remembering rattling breaths, cold skin, still chests, whispered pleas, spreading bloodstains.

June 11 - hey, brother

Prompts: Day 5 - Handcuffs | Day 11 - Firearm | Day 14 - Slurred Speech | Day 30 - Failed Escape

“Goddamnit, brat, I’m not leaving both of you behind,” Tim snapped, finding his pace and striding down the hall. The main entrance was out. He’d have to find a back door. “I came with one brother, and I’m not leaving with any less.”

June 15 - phantasm

Prompts: Day 1 - Fear | Day 8 - "Breathe, damn you!" | Day 15 - Scream

It was too far to make out the words, but Jason knew Damian’s voice when he heard it. That kid could scream, but he wasn't supposed to, not in pain, not for any reason other than attracting Bruce and getting the rest of them into trouble.

But Jason could hear laughter, too.

June 22 - big brother

Prompts: Day 19 - Guilt | Day 22 - Rage | Day 27 - "I'm so sorry"

He shouldn’t be doing this. Aiding and abetting another little boy taking up a flag that always seemed to be cut to bloody ribbons. But it was too late to stop it now. All he could do was pour everything he had – every skill, every trick, every tactic and stratagem and all of his will – into catching Tim, and forcing him into more months of training. Stalling him.

Playing for time. Like there was a bomb about to go off that he couldn’t defuse.

June 25 - underneath the undertow

Prompts: Day 9 - Defiance | Day 25 - Drowning | Day 26 - Numb

Dick remained still and silent, knowing that to play dead was the best way to let Slade's passion fits ebb. Sure enough, in another minute the pressure on his arms let up and he was allowed to stand. He returned his hands to his sides, refusing to rub his throbbing wrists. He kept his gaze on the floor as Slade fisted a hand in his hair.

June 29 - no good deed

Prompts: Day 17 - "Don't lie to me." | Day 20 - Cage | Day 29: Secret

Antonin Laur rolled up the newspaper once more, using it to tilt Jason's face up. He jerked back, glaring, as much as the men holding his arms would let him.

"Wayne has a real gift," Laur mused, "always finding boys that are both pretty and smart."

[jellimac-sims-stories]

The Reluctant Painter

Jellimac

Summary | You find a bag of money and a little black book with a scythe on it. What would you do?

I don’t particularly like my job but at least I have one. My brother is super protective and made me move to the desert across the street from him. I can’t blame him. It’s not like I was doing much with my life bumming around with my friends getting high. His only condition was that I get a job so I took the first job that came my way. The Artist Agency calls my position a “Hungry Artist” which is a fancy way of saying this is a shit job.

Even with this job and the freeish housing things aren’t exactly going my way. Yeah, I'm grateful to have a steady income, to live in the trailer my brother owns, and for the money that he and his wife send me to help keep up with bills. Things keep seeming to go downhill day after day lately. My smoking hot girlfriend broke up with me. Then my dog Shep got sick. And then when my best friend Eden took me out to try to cheer me up I ended up trying to makeout with her. I got a black eye for it. She hasn’t spoken to me since. Things really couldn’t be worse for me right now.

Thankfully the Artist Agency called the other day to hire me to finish up the new mural at the gym in Uptown. I can’t say that I am the best artist but work is work and it will help take my mind off of things for a little while. It's just painting anyway. I took the day job begrudgingly and made my way to head to Uptown. It takes two buses and one train to get to Uptown from Bedrock Strait where I live. That costs me $23 just to get to the job site and back. The agency only has me scheduled for four hours to finalize the mural. I only make $23 an hour. I’m about to make less than $100 for four hours of work. This job fucking sucks.

Unfortunately, the job site was downstairs in the men's locker room. This part of Uptown is elevated over the rest of the city. Think of the sort of place where you’d say ‘I can see my house from here’. That's the type of view I'm talking about. Which I almost can say but my house is just too far off to make out. From up here, you can see from the mountains and out to sea. I’m landlocked in a desert so I like coming here when I can. A creek runs behind my trailer but this is so much nicer. I had been hoping that maybe at least I’d have a good view all day even if it was just some housewives doing yoga badly. Realizing that I had gotten the shit end of the stick I plugged in my earbuds and got to work. 

After a few hours, one guy with bad diarrhea (probably one too many protein shakes) and several smelly dudes later the job was done. It was pretty nice; an optical illusion of the wall broken down showing the earth and the moon from above. Even though I can’t afford the membership at this gym you can see that this mural pulls the space together nicely (no pun intended). I hadn’t taken a break so I decided to spend the last 30 minutes of my time having lunch. I grabbed what I thought was all of my bags of paint supplies (that I would now have to lug back with me since the job was done) and headed outside. 

Finding a bench outside, I chowed down on leftover pizza that my SIL sent to my place last night. I noticed a bag with the painting supplies that didn’t look familiar. It was plain black with a thick gray zipper and felt kind of expensive in my hand. I opened it up expecting that maybe I had picked up someone's gym bag by mistake. To my surprise, it was full of cash! Thick bundled stacks of cash with $1000 markers on the bands. Holy shit! It looked like there was a couple of grand in this bag alone. I’ve never seen this much money ever in my life! I don't even have this much money.

Quickly but trying not to look suspicious, I zipped the bag back up, grabbed all the other bags, and threw what was left of the pizza slice to the pigeons that were hungrily watching me eat. I hurried down to the subway level to catch a train back to Oasis Springs. This time the cost of the tickets and bus fare didn't matter to me that much considering I had a few thousand bucks in one of my bags I was lugging back home. 

I don't usually pay any mind to how long it takes to get around on public transportation. It's almost a full half-hour to reach the outskirts of Oasis Springs to even get anywhere else. That and the fact that I am a habitually late person (something my ex used to complain about) but this time I was buzzing in my seat with anticipation. When the bus finally got to the corner of my street I practically ran all the way home. I headed straight for my shed where I usually keep all of my painting supplies. My dog followed me in as he's keen to do when I arrive home. He's expecting that we will go for a run or a swim in the river like we tend to do every evening but not today. 

After I stowed the supplies away I unzipped the mysterious bag and dumped everything on the ground. Inspecting everything that tumbled out of the bag, I can make out a mix of both new and used stacks of bills all with $1000 marked bands on them. Stacks of $20��s, $100's, and $10's all mixed together. I quickly counted everything out and totaled it up. There was $20,000 in that bag! I've only got like $2,700 to my name and that's only because my brother gave me $1,500 last Christmas. Shit, this is a lot of money.

While I gaped over my luck at finding this bag o’cash I noticed a notebook where I had originally dumped everything out. It's a regular hardcover black notebook except for the scythe debossed on the cover. Opening it, I flipped through the pages. Most are oddly blank until I get to almost the end. In very neat handwriting there are what looks like the details of a contract. It was a few pages long and not written in English. It could possibly be Latin or some other dead language but I could only make out the few words in English; Jack-of-all-Trades, billionaire, beach house, global superstar, and the name Charles Andrei signed at the end. That name sounded familiar, something to do with my ex but I couldn’t put my finger on it. (He's probably some guy she was sleeping with for money so I stopped thinking about it.) There is another signature next to it that I couldn't decipher. The letters kept playing tricks on my eyes. The first time I looked at it I thought it said Hel. The next time I read Ankou, then Thanatos, and finally Magere Hein.  That's not possible , I thought and closed the book. 

Suddenly it was very cold in the shed. The window panes started to frost up and I could see my breath before me. The sun had been setting when I got home but it doesn't get this cold in the desert ever. Shep started barking and growling at something behind me. I hadn't heard the door to the shed open but I had a feeling that I wasn't alone....

Are you scared yet? Read the set on my AO3

[tera-91]

Wild month ...

I cant believe I went all spooky season without posting.

Well I wrote something and left my computer for a few hours and I don’t know what happened but all that I wrote that morning was just gone.

No, like a silly person I did not save before I left but there was another word doc I had open too that I hadn’t saved but that one was recovered …

Anyway it wasn’t too informative other than I was nervous about what might happened when my manager came back from leave. Honestly it was almost too accurate…

I walked in and my hands almost immediately started to shake with barely a good morning. It took less than an hour for this manager to get grumpy about something that was going on I don’t remember what it was. I could tell the schedule was going to be an issue since this manager kept checking out the next schedule the other manager put out throughout the day. To my *not* shock this manager asked why I wasn’t scheduled outside my availability as far as working in the evening. Not that this manager cared that I was scheduled EVERY day I usually have off or that I had two days off that I typically work due to a thing my sibling and I are going to. Oh no that was not a concern but the fact that I was not scheduled to work the late shift.

The whole time this manager has been gone Ive been putting in job applications either to get a second job or to just have a back up plan if I reach my breaking point again.

Part of me has considered to just quit … again. Once I get into the program I want to at school if the last years schedule is going to be similar to this new year coming up I would be in class the majority of the day 3 days a week. I already work, typically 4 days a week.

The way the schedule currently is, I’m not completely sure how to write it out. So I would have class on at least 2 days I’m typically off of work. I usually work on a day I would have to have class and there’s no switching that class day around so the only way for me to keep the number of hours is for me to work on the third day I typically have off or for me to work a few hours on probably at least 2 of the days that I have class without going beyond the time of day I can work.

Basically I just wouldn’t have a day off between the two at all or if I worked on a day or two I would have class I might have one day a week free. That’s like 50 hours a week just in work and class not including any kind of homework. I think its recommended you spend 2 or 3 hours per credit hour between homework and studying. That’s another like 18 to 30 hours. So that inflates my week to nearly 70 or 80 hours. I know some people do that routinely but still.

I have a difficult enough time just making sure I get assignments in on time and making time to study since I work the day before exams as it is.

I know that is a while away so I don’t think too much about it other than I need to find something else before that happens. Hell with the way the manager made me feel on day 1 of us working together after their return Im like I need to put a heavy foot on the grind to get my side projects done. Just need to get something to the point that I would feel comfortable to not work. The second day wasn’t much better. Getting all huffy and puffy because I am not an octopus and cant do 3 things at the same time. Without going into too much detail I was working on an immediate two part issue that would take less than 2 minutes to resolve since at the time I was already half way done when this manager said no that I was to do something else now. This thing *couldn’t* wait even though there was not an immediate issue with it other than I guess this manager was afraid they were going to inadvertently throw it out since they were going around the place throwing stuff out. I swear this individual asks questions with little to no context but doesn’t give me enough time to even register what they are referring to. That or they want something done and I just got to the point of absolutely not. I mean I think I was asked to do two or three things last shift that the manager ended up asking my coworker to do since I still doing what was previously asked on me. I’m not slow at my job but also when we have so many interruptions and tasks randomly asked of us not immediate to what we are doing. I almost said to just write me a list of the items you want me to complete in the next idk how long was left in the shift but I would get them all done.

Anyway, due to this manager’s task allocations (which in my opinion they give themselves too much busy work or whatever that makes things harder for them that they give out tasks they could more aptly complete) the next shift is more than likely going to start “behind the ball.” Which means I’m going to have to clean it up on my next shift.

This manager is back and with less than a handful of shifts working with this individual I’m back to being a jittery mess. I don’t want to go to work knowing they will be there. I’m practically holding my breath every time they speak. Watching every word I say, I try to joke to make light of the stressful environment, but it just gets thrown back at me. Or waiting to see if im going to be on the end of a conversation that feels like an interrogation. Wondering if they will go off about something. Say something that makes me feel dumb (I’m a bit dyslexic especially with numbers and I haven’t been diagnosed officially but my sibling says I have adhd so I do know I make little mistakes here and there but not anything that someone else doesn’t sometimes do as well). FFS Im up at 4am writing this because I cant sleep and ive been up for over an hour, maybe 2 at this point already. It’s fine since I have the day off as im writing this but still. How many more nights will I sleep maybe 4 or 5 hours before waking up unable to fall back asleep.

I hate to sound like a broken record. Mostly because I tell myself that I will do these things and then procrastinate and not do them. I’m going to do my best to hold myself to it. The only thing I think I can do is, well hopefully not burn out while doing it, but to spend as much time as possible on my side projects. Something. Maybe on my days that I work its just an hour but on the days im off its at least 3 to 5 hours. Spend time writing and editing and recording. Like the days that Im off that I have the mental capacity to it ill write, record and do the creative editing, while on the days that I work ill do the things that are a little less mentally draining like just the audio scrubbing.

[oneuldoh]

06월 08일 2023년

Yesterday, I had a scheduled onsite interview at Makati. The company was located near my previous work so I already know how to get there. A day before, I planned my outfit, the stuff that I’ll bring, printed my resume, and the route I’ll be taking. It’s been over a year since my last commute going to Makati so I have no idea if there were still buses going to Makati from Pala-Pala (a route I’m familiar with). Either I ride the bus in Pala-Pala that goes straight to Ayala avenue or ride a p2p bus that goes to Glorietta which is expensive af.[[MORE]]

I opted to ride a bus going to PITX instead. And before I knew it, it’s 12:58pm when I hailed a bus. I was mad at myself for being late. My appointment was at 2pm and I had 1 hour to get there. Usually it takes an hour and 30 minutes (or 2 hours if there’s traffic) to get to Makati. I only had 1 hour to get there. I was really mad at myself huhu it was really embarrassing and I had no excuses for it. I always make sure to allot an hour or two of waiting time when I have onsite interview. I was even confident that I’d get there in time because of how well prepared I was.

I rode an Angkas from PITX going to Legazpi village. It was hot af but luckily it didn’t rain. I got there around 3:00pm. Luckily, the HR was kind enough and moved my interview at 4pm because the head of the department has a meeting. I dropped off at Legazpi Active Park, a two minute walk from the office. I stayed at the park for five minutes to catch my breath. I had lunch at Chowking at 3:10pm. I could barely enjoy my food because 1) I realized I only had 40 minutes to finish my meal 2) I was too flustered to eat anything 3) It’s already 3pm and I passed out from hunger. I still ate what I ordered because it cost me 250php.

The office was smaller than the office of my previous company. This company is quite big daw but scattered in different places. I think the company has more or less 30 people working on site. Anyway, the interview went well since they mentioned that they liked the results of my Belbin test (said that I’m leaning towards the path that they are envisioning). I asked a few questions about the job, mentioned that they have company housing in Mandaluyong and that they could arrange for me to live there if there’s an available room, the job also has incentives for every project I deliver.

I am actually considering of accepting the offer even though I have to travel to Makati from Cavite. The downside is it’s 8am to 5pm. I wonder how my body will adjust to this. Back then I’d have no complaints but now that I’m currently taking meds for TB, I have to be careful not to tire my body out. So if I get this job, I have to be up by 4:30am, leave by 5:30am, drink meds by 6am, have breakfast by 7am and get to office by 8am. For five days. Then I clock out by 5pm, ride the bus by 6pm and get home by 8pm. I’ll have more or less 6hours of sleep. Plus I have to consider my phone. I need to buy a new one. I’m thinking of getting the Samsung A14 since it costs less than 13k. If I have enough money saved up, I’ll probably try and live in cheap dormitories near the office again.

Right now I’m trying to calculate my expenses mainly my commute fare and the amount I’ll spend on food (breakfast- baka mag baon ako, lunch, merienda). I think my salary isn’t cut for it. Ugh.

Well, hopefully dagdagan nila yung offer nila even though the position has some incentives. I just really need the money right now because this household won’t last this year.

Fighting, Janna. You can do it!

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 1998 Thanks to Benadryl, I backed my schedule up by 6 hours. I had gotten up at noon yesterday. Too late to make my October 5th appointment with Melanie, but too early to flip it all around by then. I also want to go out this Friday doll hunting, as planned (I have to remember to take Kleenex with me, though, because the outdoors is horrible at this time for allergies). If I hadn’t taken Benadryl last night at 9:00, I wouldn’t have crashed till around 4 AM, but with the Benadryl, I was out before midnight and I got up at 6 AM. Just in time to hear the bitch say, “Huh? No, I…” (I couldn’t hear the rest)

I don’t know why the cock bothered showing up this morning. Bill took the bitch to work/school this morning, then came back here. Then the cock came. I saw someone a couple of times walk around the back of Bill’s car, but couldn’t make out for sure who it was or what the hell they were doing. Then the cock left, leaving Bill to go about mistake-sitting, as usual. But why would the cock come by if it wasn’t needed to mistake-sit or cart its bitch to work/school?

I got a kick out of how yesterday’s horoscope said that a parent who’s aware of one’s concerns is willing to behave differently. Right! Dureen would have to die and come back as a totally different person before she behaved differently. Tom was teasing me with the atoning for my sins thing since yesterday was the Jewish New Year. I’m jokingly thinking - Dureen deary, are you asking God to forgive you for being such a selfish, hypocritical little control freak?

Later…

I’m writing longhand now in the book Mom gave me. The one I’ll take to Vegas with me with the pitiful artwork. The reason I’m using this book now is that I have the computer tied up burning away another CD. I figured what the heck? I’m sure it’ll crash at some point, even though I defragmented drive E and it’s already written 9 tracks.

I had Tom bring me in the scale since I knew my weight was up there anyway (as of yesterday I piled on pounds of water) and so I could begin another test. Tom felt I’d be less hungry if I wasn’t weighing myself daily. Well, I want to see if I remain less hungry because of the mineral pill, or if pulling the scale back out brings the hunger back.

Wow! It’s on track 11!

Anyway, the mineral pill’s been doing so well at curbing my hunger, that I’ve decided that two TV dinners a day plus a snack are too much for me. I’m gonna be cutting out one of those TV dinners.

So, what was my weight? 118 pounds. A surprise because I thought I’d be in the low 120s.

Track 12.

I know why I was so bummed out about my weight for the last year or so. It’s because I was setting unrealistic and unachievable goals for myself. Setting a goal of 100 pounds was ridiculous and totally asking to fail. I’m a nearly 33-year-old non-smoker, so to get under 110-115 pounds is a complete joke. My body can’t handle being that low in this day and age.

So, with these facts in mind, I’ve set a realistic, achievable goal weight of weighing 115-120 pounds. This is perfect for me now and something my body can feel comfortable at. It’s a natural, reasonable weight, so I can continue looking like a middle-aged woman should look.

Holy shit! It’s on track 14 and it looks like this CD may happen after all since it’s nearly done. I only have 18 tracks on this one. It’s like it has a mind of its own and it only creates a CD if it feels like it.

Track 15.

I went into the file box and browsed through the treadmill’s owner’s manual and was shocked to discover two things. One, it is not a weight-loss device, but just a fitness device. Two, all they recommend is 12-15 minutes every other day. Why not 30-60 minutes every day? What’s wrong with that? Why do they recommend a day of rest every other day? I can see a day of rest every other day from target toning or weightlifting exercises, but why from walking? And why warm up and cool down, as they recommend, just to go walking? Lastly, I do more than 12-15 minutes every other day, so if this is supposed to be a “fitness” device, then why am I so unfit?

Later…

Got lucky and the CD was a success. I’m defragging now, then will power down and restart. Should I try another one today? I have a feeling it’ll crash, but we’ll see.

Drive E is now 83% defragmented now.

No stereos today or yesterday - wow! Just the usual sales calls and their harassment campaign.

Later…

OK, I’m trying another CD. If this works, I’ll only have one more music CD I’ll want to make up, then I can decide whether or not the convos/edits are worth burning.

I’ll go get my book now and bring it back here to the back room so I can keep an eye on the computer.

Oh, first - I made up Mary a little get-well card. Well, sort of. It was one of the ones sent from Doe and Art.

OK, gonna grab me a cup of my Café Vienna and my book.

Later…

It’s utterly gorgeous out there right now. Not too cool, not too hot. Perfect weather for the mistake to hang out back and to have doors and windows open. I just heard the mistake, but fortunately, I’m not out back very often. I have no reason to be. From now on, especially since quitting smoking, I don’t go out back but to let the cat in and dump the recyclable stuff.

It’s nice not seeing White Paws for a couple of days. Not since I sprayed her with Raid. She’ll be back, though.

Tom’s gonna pick up a feeder for Blackie for when we go to Vegas. He could get his own food, but not like WP can because male cats aren’t as good hunters as female cats are. I don’t like the idea of knowing that WP is gonna help herself to this food, and maybe daddy cat and the ants (although Tom will spray for ants) but at least Blackie won’t go hungry. We’ll be putting it at the side of the house where the birds won’t find it. I hope not, anyway. If there’s anything that really annoys me about Blackie, it’s that this cat is such a whiner. Just about every single fucking time I go outside he whines and whines till I let him inside. It’s really annoying.

Tom just got up and is going to stay up for a while.

You know, I’ve counted food calories, but I’ve neglected to count my coffee calories. Not regular coffee, but the gourmet ones. I have about 8 cups a day and that’s about 500 calories right there. No wonder it’s been so easy keeping my goal weight. If I eat 900 calories worth of food and no-calorie or low-calorie beverages, that’s one thing. It’s another to have 900 calories worth of food and an additional 500 in beverages. All this time I’ve been figuring myself at consuming 900-1000 calories a day, but I’ve really been taking in around 1400-1500 calories a day.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1998 How utterly amazing - not one stereo’s banged by today. Yet. That drug cruiser’s gonna be by any sec no doubt.

Just like Joebitch sticks to her usual weekend routine of a shitload of cars coming and going, it’s sticking to its usual weekday routine, too. Bill sits the mistake, the cock brings its bitch home. I doubt the cock’s picking up its bitch in the mornings, though.

Guess I really terrorized that cock out of this neighborhood. He won’t even park in the bitch’s driveway. Too bad, Mikey. You came into this neighborhood, you treated me like shit, this is what you get.

Mary had her gallbladder removed today and now they’re checking it for cancer, which I don’t vibe. Evie has to have hers removed, too.

In Evie’s email to me, she wanted to know if we could attend Parker’s baptism. I told her we couldn’t make it, which is probably true with our schedules, but the further truth is, neither of us cares to go. I mean, how fucking boring! She said she hoped she wasn’t offending anyone, but that she didn’t invite Jackie and Jim because she doesn’t like the way they do things. I told her I thoroughly agree with her and that I think they’re spoiled, selfish little users. Don’t want to know them, don’t want to talk to them, don’t want to see them. I also reminded her, although I’m sure she’s heard about it, that Tom’s put his foot down and is gonna live his life. Not spend his time and money on others who are too lazy to do their own work and live their own lives. David and Evie haven’t really been the big users of the family. Not compared to Pam, Jackie, Mary, Evelyn, and of course, good old Marge.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 1998 Yes, it’s been two whole days since I last wrote. That’s because I’ve been tied up with the CD-making task again, and as usual, it’s hit or miss, but mostly miss. I feel, though, that I’ve gotten just about all I want onto CD, so I don’t need to waste my time with it anymore. I don’t really need to have the edits and convos on CD, since those don’t mean what they used to mean to me. It’s a costly and wasteful project since it takes 20 CDs just to make 5-7. I’ve got about 15 CDs made up now, and I had to go through about 25-40 to get them.

From how I feel and from what my measurements say, I’ve gained some weight. I’ve got to be no less than 118 pounds now. Why, I don’t know. It’s a total mystery to me. I’ve been sticking to my diet like glue, thanks to this mineral supplement, I’ve been regular, and I’ve been exercising, so I don’t know what the fuck’s going on. Once again, I cannot deal with this shit year after year. I have to be fat if I’m gonna remain a non-smoker and the sooner I accept that, the easier my life will be. It’s just not in my nature to be thin anymore. Not at this age and not without the cigarettes.

Wish I had my water pills now, but tomorrow I’ll call in a refill. It’s mostly in my gut, although my legs and hips are pretty swollen, too. And I’ve been exercising these areas, too, but like I said, exercising by doing target toning is just a complete waste of my time. It may work for most people, but God sure as hell won’t let it work for me. Initially, I lost weight and began toning up a bit when I first started the exercises and the mineral supplement but then went right back to how I normally am. This is typical, too. Having something work at first, then quit working on me, is nothing new.

Later…

What is it with cats liking abuse? I spray White Paws with bug spray, I kick her, I chase her, yet she keeps coming back for more. Does she really like it, or is she just that stupid?

Caddy Kid’s back. Yeah, I knew it was just a matter of time. It gets worse, too, because now we’ve got some other car cruising the neighborhood for drugs. This same car banged by really loud over and over and over again this afternoon. What? Do they cruise up and down a street hoping someone will come out of their house to offer them drugs? So, since it’s a nightmare again with the stereos booming and thumping by several times a day, I really must have my own stereo on if I want to get any sleep.

Joebitch gets weirder and weirder by the day. Saturday and Sunday nights a red car came to visit. Why are there so many cars in and out of there on weekends? Am I ever gonna get a weekend without having to listen to the constant door slamming?

I just hope that they don’t move till we do and that things will stay the way they have been as far as the music goes. As long as I don’t hear music a million times a day from over there, then I know they’ll be sticking around. I never thought I’d find myself hoping that they don’t move, but I’ve decided that whether or not we go first, they are going to receive the little journal excerpts I put together for them. I’m not gonna waste all that time I put into it and besides, if they’re gonna fuck with the house if they go first, they’re gonna fuck with it with or without those excerpts. In their sick minds, they have enough reason to go after the house as it is. Just the city complaints alone will do it because that’d piss them off enough.

Speaking of being pissed, I was lying in bed one night when I began to fume over Bill. Oh, how I just want 5 minutes alone with him!! Just 5 minutes! Tom says that’d just make him more aggressive. He has a point. For every time my mother would take a pop at me, that’d be 5 more kids I’d pop in school and take it out on, but I still think that all guys like Bill need a good beating from a woman. They need to be put in place and taken down a peg or two. They need to be reminded that there are others out there tougher than them and that they’re not capable of beating on everybody. One day (I sure hope) he’s gonna pick on the wrong woman and that woman’s gonna dog him. I mean, how long can man live with the delusion that if it’s smaller than them and if it doesn’t have a dick, they can beat it? There are lots of big guys out there and lots of tiny women that could kick their asses so bad they’d wish those ladies killed them. That’s not the main point, though, in this sick fuck’s case. Remember, he doesn’t beat Sarah and Becky. It’s because Lisa is part of “the other guy.��� Bill’s also a very sick, angry little shit.

It just really pisses me off that now that I’ve put Dureen, Art and Larry totally in the past and am getting over the hurt and anger that they caused for so long, now the anger’s replaced by this fuckaroo. Is there ever an end to the thoughts of past people popping into my head and sending me into a rage? I just want to totally forget these people and move on. It’s the best thing I can do for my mental health. Cutting them off is a start, but I still have a bit of “healing” to do, so to speak. I mean, when it comes to my folks, there really isn’t any hurt or anger left. I’m just numb. They’re old news as far as I’m concerned. It’s the bullies like Bill, Larry, Ronnie, that tend to piss me off at times still, but hey, I don’t ever have to see, talk to, or be hurt or angered by these sickos ever again. And I remind myself of this fact and it helps me to get by. I may have old, bad memories, but never will there be new, bad memories in addition to the old ones. It’s all over. They can’t hurt me anymore. They can’t frustrate or piss me off anymore. They can’t hit me, they can’t lie to me, they can’t pit others against me, they can’t send me to places that treat me like a criminal, they can’t control me, they can’t threaten me, they can’t make me feel like a piece of shit.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but my last period was the first period in many years where I didn’t need a big pad.

Today we went to the mall to look at a doll store there. They had hundreds of dolls, but only a few of them were nice, and they cost $200 - $400. They were also bigger than the ones I liked in the catalog. Friday we’re gonna check out another small store that’s not in a mall, and this place in Scottsdale that’s supposed to be one of the biggest doll stores in the country. If I don’t like what they’ve got here, or their prices, I’ll just go ahead and order from the catalog in December with my birthday/holiday money. I feel like it’s gonna take me forever to accumulate 3-4 dolls, though, no matter where I get them! Marge, you little user! Why don’t you pay for them?!

Ratsy’s in a fine mood, jumping and running all around. Hope he won’t stay the unappreciative little bastard he’s been! We got him a really cool nest and a half-log to burrow in, but so far, he’s walking on the tops of them, but not going inside them. The next is a hollow ball made of straw-like material. It’s got holes on 4 sides of it to go in and out of. The half-log is a green piece of wood that’s dome-shaped. I think the mice would like these things better. The mice like anything and everything. We got them a toy, too (they all got salt spools and Ratsy got a new pink bottle).

For the mice, we got them a bunch of color cubes you put together. You snap clear pieces into colored frames, then you build them like toy building blocks. It’s pretty cool, but a little flimsy to build, and there’s not much variety that goes into it. Not unless you had many, many pieces. Like 2-3 kits.

Got two palm tree pictures for $5. They’re in gold frames, and I like this size better because it’s easier to work with. These are around 10 x 8.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1998 Joebitch has been a good girl, but a weird one. Is someone moving from her household? Well, I highly doubt she’s moving, because I’d vibe it, and because there’d be music like hell coming from over there, but what about that teenage boy? Is there a teenage girl living there? I remember Tom once said there was, and he’d see her leave for school in the mornings. There’s gotta be more than just her and the mistake over there. I just know there’s more over there, but if so, why don’t play ball more often for my sake?

Anyway, what I saw was a white pickup truck parked in the driveway with one box visible from the window I was peering out of. It left, then returned with what looked to be an empty flatbed. Then, it left with a lot of stuff in it and returned later emptied out. Then I saw Joebitch and the little clown talking to the two black ladies that Tom said he saw get into the truck one of the times it left, then they left and haven’t been back since. I also saw a large white blazer which left as soon as it came. It could very well be that the mother of that teenage boy, which was definitely her nephew, had to do some jail time, is now out, and is getting its boy back.

Last night at 11:00, I heard voices, and someone left from there, but didn’t see who it was. Then the bitch crashed at 11:30.

It’s just after 8:00 now and when I checked a little while ago, there were no lights on. This bitch doesn’t hit the sack early on weekends, so I’d say it’s out somewhere.

What the fuck is going on, though? Why do so many cars come and go from that place on weekends? No one loves a bitch that much, so what is it they’re getting from this bitch? It ain’t love. Is it drugs? What? Something’s going on. It used to be that the bitch may have someone over once one day of the weekend, but now, as soon as she’s home on Fridays they start coming, and they come and go like bees on both Saturdays and Sundays.

Later…

Well, well. Guess who’s here visiting? It’s Mr. Fuck! I’m not entirely sure since it’s dark, but that’s definitely a car that’s parked there, not a van or truck. And it’s also not white. I thought the bitch had been out with him, till I realized I didn’t hear/see the cock come to get its bitch, and I only heard one car door when I saw the headlights shining in the music room and paused the music to listen. Also, the living room and kitchen windows stayed dark, so it sounds to me like Joebitch called its cock from its bed, and he came running over and let himself in for a good fuck. I’m sure he still has the key, too.

What? Is this bitch afraid to be alone or something? She’s had company come and go now for nearly 10 hours. That’d drive me crazy. I’d be like - give me some space!

I forgot to mention that on Friday, Joebitch should’ve gotten some mail for a “Bill Garner.” Unless her dad opened it, and I hope not, she got a little confetti shower. I addressed it to Bill Garner and put a bogus return address. In the past, I’d never bother with return addresses. So, to the bitch, she’ll be annoyed as all hell, but won’t tie me into it. Not unless she’s one paranoid puppy. It should look like someone addressed it to her by accident, and nothing else. I put the confetti, by the way, in one of those blank cards that Doe and Art sent. I didn’t write anything on the card but a big question mark.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1998 I’m washing the shower curtain right now, and soon I’ll try to scrub our filthy, impossible-to-clean tub.

Later…

I’m on the phone gabbing with Andy now. He’s going through his usual few subjects - Stevie Nicks, work, and going back east to be with David.

He said he’s sure he’s leaving on April 30th.

Sure. Right.

I’m typing as I’m half-listening to his non-stop garble. But he’s my pal and I love him.

He started off by saying, “I didn’t get fired, but I got complaints two days in a row.” I asked for what, figuring he’d say it was for flirting, but instead, he was rude. So, he’s gonna be taking a break from waiting tables, which has really been stressing him out lately, and which he just isn’t into anymore, he’ll be hostessing. Seating the people, instead of serving the people. They’re only gonna pay him $7 an hour, though.

He said that the reason he’s going back on April 30th is so he can hitch a ride with Joyce and Bill. That’s his aunt and uncle and they go to Vegas every year. At least he won’t have to worry about springing the cash to get back.

Later…

After just over an hour, Andy finally let me go. He could’ve easily kept going till he had to go to work at 5:30, though. We talked about the usual - Stevie, Quinn, Dave, Michelle, and work.

He still wonders about what was really going through Quinn’s mind up till he died. He did tell me that some girl was rubbing his face in the fact that his brother molested him, trying to get him to deal with it and that that seemed to cause his mind to snap to the point that the police were called. During the cop’s visit to his apartment, they noticed all his drug paraphernalia, so they returned two hours later with a warrant. It looks like he was gonna be facing some jail time.

He also told me that when he and his sister were going through his things, they found a scrapbook full of all kinds of stickers. Mostly colorful ones that children would have. That was when the sister told Andy that that was part of the pervert brother’s way of rewarding Quinn. Whenever the brother would want a sex favor, he’d give Quinn stickers for it.

He says Michelle’s wasting her time. She met some gay girl online that she’s gonna meet. Well, if this girl shows up (it might not even be a girl) she says she’ll be happy enough to settle for friendship if the girl doesn’t turn her on. That’s what she says, but it’s not that easy, as Andy pointed out. She’s gonna be too pissed if she isn’t attracted to her. You get all psyched up to meet someone, then find them to be ugly, or at least not attractive, and you’re too let down and pissed to want to be all buddy-buddy with them. See, Michelle’s only 24, so she’s now learning the things I learned at her age. She’ll learn, though, and get used to reality at some point. At least I hope she does since she can’t change it.

Later…

Tom went to work an hour ago, but he’ll be back at 9:30. (I hope) It’s just that end-of-the-month bullshit he has to deal with. I say I hope he’ll be in then because rather than eating my second TV dinner, he’ll be bringing in my weekend treat of a small order of fries and a cappuccino shake. The shake may play on my tummy a bit, as is dairy’s favorite thing to do with me, but it’ll be worth it. I just hope he doesn’t get held up at work till 11:30. That happens to him sometimes, so, if he’s not here by 10:30, I’ll just go ahead and eat a TV dinner.

The Lopezs sure did get themselves a hell of a spotlight in their backyard. I was in the back room when I saw light reflecting on the house across the alley and went out to check it out. This light is really damn bright. Brighter than the freeloader’s security light. I think this one’s motion-censored, too.

I wonder if Tom’s back muscle strain will enable us to go back to screwing around till the next thing comes up to bump us out of our plans/schedule. Still haven’t been as horny as I used to be, still don’t want a kid, thank God.

Tom isn’t the only injured party here, believe it or not. I have mild pulled muscles in the backs of my thighs, and major pulled ones in the area in front of the armpits. The muscles that go down into the tits. It wouldn’t prevent me from screwing, though.

Still walking every day, although I do take 1-2 days off a week. Still about 113-115 pounds from what I can guess and the mineral pill’s still curbing 80% of the problem I was having with constant, intense hunger.

It’s Friday night, so the stereos are out. Someone’s been banging by for 3 evenings in a row at around 6:30, but when I run to look, I never see a car. I don’t think it’s Caddy Kid, because I’d see him. Also, Caddy Kid would bang by either three times a day or no times a day. This one’s doing it just once. The music doesn’t last for long and it’s not as loud either, so maybe it’s a block away. Or not driving past both the side and front of the house, since we’re on the corner. Maybe he comes up the side, but then turns the other way and doesn’t go by the front.

Measles really knows she’s my favorite bird. I put some seed on the block wall and she dove right into it. Whenever some of the others tried to sneak a bite at the sides of her, I shooed them away with a wave of my arm. Meanwhile, she didn’t even flinch. It’s like she knew I was guarding her.

Later…

Tom got in early and we just ate our weekend treat.

I cannot believe that I’m just about a week away from my first anniversary of quitting smoking. It’s unbelievable. I never thought I’d see this day. Tom did, though. He said he knew it was inevitable. He also says it’s inevitable that we’ll have a kid. I don’t want one, though, although that’d make me more eligible in God’s eyes. If Tom were right, but I know he’s not, then that’d mean I’d have to get fixed because of health problems. The only way I’d let them fix me is if it were necessary due to health problems/risks, but I don’t see how the hell there can be a connection. I’ve never heard of sterility causing health problems.

Andy said that for the longest time, he’d ask himself what his purpose in life was. Then, he realized that there were two purposes - to show Quinn that a man can love another man, and to lead me out here and to Tom and all that. Well, it sure is true that if it weren’t for him I’d never be out here. God would either have to find some other way to get me out here and to Tom or send Tom back east to me there.

I know Andy won’t move back east, but a bigger part of me wishes he would. He wouldn’t call me as much, although he’s improved with that. But talking once a month would be better for me than once a week. Hell, I could go months, but still, talking once a month would make our talks more special.

He’d also have my letters to look forward to, and I’d look forward to sending them.

Lastly, I’d get to laugh at him in the winter, which he gave me permission to do.

Except for Lisa, he left things behind. There are his parents, his brothers, nieces, nephews, the beach, other people he knows, bars he knows, etc. Although, if he and David hit it off, I doubt they’d go to bars. David lives in a house that he shares with two other guys. These two other guys are a couple, I believe, and they own the house. Or one of them does. As Andy told David (this is totally understandable) he doesn’t really feel comfortable about moving in with people he doesn’t know, so he and David are gonna look for a place of their own when Andy gets there. He says David’s gonna support him till he gets a job.

I hope I’m wrong on two things. I hope he really does go back. And I hope he and David have a great relationship. It’s sad, though, to see Andy have to give up this beautiful weather and his home here, to have the slightest shot at love. A person should be able to find love anywhere, but then again, I sure as hell didn’t find anyone like Tom back there and I don’t think there’s such a thing as a Tom S anywhere else. Not just back there.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1998 Today was a busy, yet productive day. I changed the mice and rats’ cages (did a neat new setup), did a quick little load of laundry for Tom, did the dishes, and made a little booklet of scanned pictures for Mom, Mary, and Dave. That scanner is one of the best investments we ever made. I scanned about 12 pages, each with two pictures per page, of animals and cage setups. Mostly pictures of Gizzy, Teddy Bear, Bunny and Spunky. I let them know I’d soon make a booklet with pictures of the cat, rat, and current GP.

Tom’s mom called while I was in the bathroom and left a message saying she didn’t think he should do any more work since his back’s bad. That was nice of her to consider him like that.

Tom says they’re gonna illegalize unavailable calls. Most unavailable calls are sales and it’s that way so that people will be more likely to answer and get suckered into something than they would if they could see the name/number of these assholes. They’re already illegal in Texas. All businesses must show their name and numbers. When we move we’ll go back to having two lines. One for the computer and for people we have to give our number to, but don’t want to be harassed by, like credit card companies. See, if we give Sears our number, for example, they go and give it to other companies, so since a lot of companies sell their customer list, it just keeps escalating till every sales company out there has our number. Two lines will also be good if Lisa calls and Tom wants to go on AOL while we’re talking.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1998 The cock came and got its bitch this morning and of course, Bill’s here now. I didn’t see the cock and bitch, but I’m sure the bitch will be dropped off in the afternoon by its cock, too.

Sometimes I want to say I’m around 110 pounds, other times 115 pounds. Well, I don’t know what I am. I just know I’m not below 110 pounds or over 120 pounds.

My allergies are on the fritz again. Bad time in Arizona for that.

Yesterday, I said to myself, my teeth are just now losing their soreness, and in just 12 days, I gotta be made sore all over again. Bummer!

Got some corny emails from Evie. A couple of stupid stories. One’s about hugs and the other is about burdens.

I’m still furious about our daughter. What? I spend 32 years being angry at my family, get over that, and now I have to be angry at his family? Thanks, God.

Maybe Tom could’ve mowed by now, could’ve fixed the back screen door, could’ve done a lot of things that we need to do around the house if he weren’t so busy having to live that asshole’s life for her. Yeah, he’ll be getting off of work in about a half-hour, then he’ll be heading over to her house to do yet more work for her.

I wonder why he stopped over at Mary’s to eat lunch, though? He said he was in the area and stopped there, rather than at our daughter’s house, but I thought he was supposed to have washed his hands clean of that user. Well, maybe he meant he’d still associate with her, but not spend another $4,000 on her or hours and hours of work, either. Hours that add up to months, even years.

The only thing that I believe will absorb some of this hurt, but mostly anger, is just not gonna happen. And that’d be our daughter paying half of our outstanding bills, giving him a few hundred to just blow on whatever he wants, and buying me a few of those dolls I want.

Again, that’s not gonna happen, and I’ll do almost anything for Tom’s family out of my love and respect for my husband (not buy her thousands of more dollars on things, but attend her funeral and things like that), but other than doing anything he may request of me, I don’t ever want to see his fucking family again and I can’t wait for the day that user dies.

Our daughter can’t give us back the time we’ve lost due to her, but she can give us back the money we’ve lost due to her. I’m surprised Tom’s not pushing for her to pay us some of the money back that she owes us and that she used us for. He’d push to get his money back if a company ripped him off of that amount of money, so why not her?

Later…

I had to take some Benadryl which put me out for a two-hour nap since I couldn’t stop sneezing.

Just walked 10 minutes and added those 10 minutes to the 5 minutes I’ve already walked. I’ll do more, too. Walking and playing the tiles game sure beats walking to music or reading while walking. It’s the quickest time-passer. It makes walking a half-hour seem like walking for a few minutes. Of course, I break up that 20 minutes to a half-hour over the course of the day.

Speaking of working out, well, I learned two new things about coffee. I learned that caffeine enhances a workout. Something to do with how it affects the central nervous system. It’s also a mild diuretic. No wonder I have to pee so much when I drink it. Even decaf coffee makes me pee like hell.

Tom brought the animals (except the cat) a treat today when he went to pick up sawdust. He got more nibble sticks, and also some Cheetos. There are orange ones and green ones. It said on the bag that it was for guinea pigs, hamsters, gerbils, mice and rats. Velvet and Ratsy didn’t seem to care for the orange ones, but they ate the green ones. The mice seem to like both.

He said he saw the perfect nest for Ratsy there that he’ll take me to see sometime. Right now he’s curled up in dreamland in the old plastic ball. He’s too big for this ball, though. It’s really only good for hamsters and gerbils. The mice never cared for the ball. They just sit there, rather than roam around in it.

Tom’s back is doing better. He said when he keeps moving, it’s OK, but when he’s still, it gets stiff.

He was able to work at our daughter’s house and says things are going as scheduled and he should be done tomorrow. Thank God!

He said he’s determined to get going with doing stuff for us and with living our lives.

We had another chat, which was good, about her and the money and all that. He reminded me that whether or not she knowingly took advantage of Tom for his money (which she never needed because she’s got 100 grand in the bank) or did so due to her illness, that money’s coming back because we’ll be getting about $20,000-$30,000 when she dies. True. And what goes around does come around. I really believe that. At least I do for most people. Someday those freeloaders are gonna make a reasonable request of someone and they’re gonna get shit on for it. Someone’s gonna bother them and stress them out someday. Fortunately, I’ve paid for all the people I woke up with my prank calls and I’ve paid for that child I’ll never have waking me up as I woke my folks up, but it’s gonna be another several months before I pay for the annoying calls I made. Remember, I have to pay at least 4 times over for the things I do. Got lots of more sales calls to be bothered by!

So, as Tom told me he feels he’s paid his debt to his dad, but it was something that he, at least in his mind, had to do. He’d hang out with his father because he was his friend, but when he hangs out with his mother, it’s because he’s being the “good son.” So, he’ll continue to visit his mom, but he’s not gonna give her hours of his time and thousands of dollars. He can at least visit her because what’s gone on with her is a totally different situation than what I went through with my family. His mother doesn’t abuse him in any way.

Later…

The cock’s on the street. Bill’s still here, too, but I expect he’ll slam out any sec. He’s parked outside of the carport, though, so I won’t hear his door so much.

That bitch is just like our daughter. Nothing but a user. Even if Bill has no wife and no life, you think he wants to put in all those hours of work in taking care of that little mistake and getting no money for it? I don’t think so. She’s using him.

Know what else shocks me? The fact that the cock doesn’t approach and leave the house blasting music. I mean if it’s on the street, what can I do, right? I’m surprised that once he gets as close as two houses away when he’s coming and that once he pulls out into the street when he’s leaving, he doesn’t really blast it. Maybe the bitch really doesn’t like the music real loud, because although she’s been with him when his bass was thumping, she’s never been with him when it’s really thumping. That’s basically his thing. Guess that bitch really does want to keep that house bad. Fortunately, I still vibe us moving before they do, thank God, so I can make my little delivery and not have to worry about them damaging the house.

Later…

If Andy really moves in April, though I know he won’t, then either Tom or I am right about moving in March or June. Or somewhere really close to March and June, if old patterns stick. As Andy pointed out, we’d always move within a few months of each other. So, if patterns stick, one of us should be right and I hope it’s him, of course. I just hope that it’s quiet till we split and that we go before our lovely freeloaders do!

Speaking of old patterns sticking, it should be quiet this winter. Normally, I’d get compensated for all this quiet time I’ve been soaking up, but I never seem to move out of a noisy situation. Except for the NHA. I’m not saying there won’t be enough basketball games, but it’s always after I’ve gotten a neighbor to quiet down that one of us moves. Not always, but usually. If things keep going as they have, though, the freeloaders should stay quiet as far as the music goes till they move. Or till we do. If they were moving right now, though, there’d be music like you wouldn’t believe. So, if I suddenly start getting based out, that’ll mean they’re moving, because then what would they care anymore? Not that they ever did care about me. Just themselves. They’ll probably revert back to their old ways after we move if we do move first. I don’t know if the cock will move back in, but it’ll spend nights there, which I’m surprised it doesn’t do now, and the music will be like old times whenever he does come and go. Same with the bitch’s cronies.

Later…

Today and yesterday were easier as far as the hunger goes. I hope that since I can’t be hunger-free every day I can at least be OK most days. I’m walking, doing inner thigh, hip, and arm exercises, and watching the calories. I’d guess my weight to be about 115 pounds now. My guess as to what I’ll weigh when I weigh myself next is 112-115 pounds. Wish I could say I’d be no higher than 110 pounds, but nope.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 1998 This is unbelievable. I expected to remain in the high one-teens to the low 120s until I weighed myself again in mid-October. You know, like 117-122 pounds. When I woke up, though, I was noticeably thinner. Thinner than I ever have been since gaining weight, I think. My hips are down to a 35”! According to what I’ve kept track of on the calendar, my hips were 37” when I was 122 pounds and 36” when I was 117 pounds. After calculating, wouldn’t me having my hips at 35” put me at around 111 pounds? But could I really be down that low? Do I look it? I’ll have to ask Tom.

Meanwhile, I also almost buttoned up a pair of shorts that I couldn’t even come close to zipping, let alone buttoning. I could pull the material at the waist within 2” of touching and that was it. Now, I can zip them up and almost button them. If I tried hard enough, I’m sure I could button them, but not without squashing my kidneys and all that. No thanks.

Lastly, there was a really sexy bikini-like top that Andy gave me that used to belong to a friend of Michelle’s. Her friend was an exotic dancer too, and it’s a gold satin top, with black ribbon straps and black fringes hanging down to the hips. Well, I couldn’t even clasp that top around my tits when I was given this thing. I was a good inch or two away from the clasps reaching. Now - perfect fit!

Picked up five suspense movies at the video store yesterday, and Tom got a computer game in the mail that he was all psyched up about. I’ve seen three of the movies and they were great. I was afraid it’d turn out that I’d seen them before but had just forgotten, or that I wouldn’t be able to get into them.

Tom’s at our daughter’s house trying to finish up the six or so remaining hours of Mrs. Live-My-Life-For-Me’s work. I hope his back holds out during this slavery, which he hurt at work last night. Now all I have to do is hope that Mrs. Do-Everything-For-Me won’t end up worsening it.

Later…

I’m OK with never seeing Tammy again and I probably never will, but I sure miss Lisa. I really believe, though, that she’ll fly out here someday within the next few years. If not to live, then to visit.

She and Sarah are just kind of there in the looks department, but God I hope poor Becky’s looks improve for her sake. She is not only geeky and overweight, but her face reminds me of a little chipmunk. Tammy’s feelings would probably be hurt if I told her that of all three girls, I really see her in Becky. It’s so true, though. She also looks a lot like Bill’s niece Lisa who’d be in her late teens by now. She too, was a homely, heavy girl. I shouldn’t talk, though. I’m not only aging in looks, but I’m also looking like a total geek these days. I always had a geeky look to my face. Not my eyes, but in the mouth and chin area, I look really goofy. And although I’m thinner than I was last January, and although most women would probably swap bodies with me, I’m still fat.

That address label company sent me a few labels. God, I cannot believe people’s persistence! People just do not give up. They are so obsessed. There were 5 sales calls today and I’m sure there’ll be a few more. They’re right back to their old shit as far as the constant calls go. I don’t know anymore if Jenny C is tied in with some of these calls or not, but people sure are pushy.

Speaking of which, I just got an “unavailable” call and the guy asked for David S. Yeah, we still even get mail for him at times. Anyway, I told the guy to fuck off and he said, “Yes ma’am.” Well, we’ll see if this makes him all the more determined to call or not.

Anyway, the labels are seasonal and pretty boring for the most part.

Tom didn’t go to our daughter’s house today because his back hurt too much. He said he should be able to get around to it tomorrow. If he goes there and ends up getting more hurt, I’ll personally kill this woman myself! God, I wish this family didn’t live locally! I love Arizona and want to stay here, but sometimes I think California or Nevada would be nice. Then all these users wouldn’t bother him so much. Hell, I can’t believe Wendy doesn’t call anymore. Haven’t heard from her in months.

Tom’s dad was really big on people not taking advantage of others. He turned his brother away who was a homeless drunk and came to the house one day years ago. Tom said he never saw him that mad. Well, I always believed that if someone was a negative influence in your life, you should get rid of them whether they’re related or not. People need to have self-respect and look out for themselves.

Tom taught me the class he’s gonna be teaching to about 10 people tonight, so he could practice how he’d go about it. It’s that thing they taught him in Vegas about handling change and how the “ending phase” brings on feelings of denial, anger, shock, fear, and frustration. (I’d add depression) And the “neutral zone” brings on feelings of anxiety, chaos, confusion, uncertainty, and miscommunication. The “new beginning” brings on feelings of enthusiasm, anxiety, energy, hope, impatience, creativity, acceptance, and skepticism. Not all people get all these emotions, but some do, and it deals with how to deal with them best.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1998 The freeloader just got her yard done for free for being the city bum that she is.

Speaking of the little freeloader, I cannot believe the company-freak this lisp bitch is! Fortunately for everyone around here, there was no music. A bald black boy of about 6 years of age began to play basketball, but to my astonishment, it was only for a minute. Also to my astonishment, 3 cars came, and I never even heard doors. You’d think they’d give me a major slamming spree, but nope.

At 11:30, the white car, which seems to be the car that comes the most on weekends, came and took the bitch somewhere. I think this is her sister who drives this white car.

At 2:00 things got really weird. I couldn’t tell for sure, but the two cars in the carport were the white one, and the cock’s car. Out in the driveway, was a red one. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear the cock was living there. He probably did drag over his friends, though.

By 4:00 all cars were gone. Then an hour later, I saw the bitch standing by the red car, which took off shortly after. I also saw someone walking into the house that appeared to be a fat, Spanish woman in her late teens or early 20s. Her hair was wavy, and it was just past the shoulders.

Bill is over there mistake-sitting and given how the weather was this morning, I’d say it’ll be any time now that they’ll pop their windows and doors open and hit the outdoors. It was actually pleasant out, slightly cool. Summer’s just about gone, but the bees aren’t. The bees are still alive and kicking big time, whereas they were gone by mid-August last year.

In good news - I finished the proofreading! Finally, huh? Anyway, I may do some other long-term, fun project, but we’ll see.

Later…

I’m not the least bit surprised to say this, but the mineral pill seemed to stop taking effect yesterday. Yesterday, and today so far, I’ve got my mind on food an awful lot. I’m not back in the 120s like I thought I’d be by now, but I’m definitely still in the 115-120-pound range.

The goddamn phone’s gonna start ringing off the hook any second now. Last Friday by 2:00, there’d already been 20 calls. Lisa, Andy, sales, etc.

I just called and made the appointment with the GYN that Tom and I picked out. The soonest I could get was November 9th, but that’s fine. She’s an OB/GYN and she does infertility.

Now, I know that if I were smart, I wouldn’t even bother. Chances are great that I’m just not gonna get any answers. I don’t know why. It’s just a feeling I get. Also, Tom boldly lied through his teeth last night. I made a comment saying, “You cum more often than not,” to see if he’d go along with it and he did as he said, “Yup,” which is fucking bullshit! Total fucking bullshit!!

After I asked myself if there was any way he could be cumming without my knowing it and acknowledged that the answer was no, I then asked myself why he’d be lying about this. Why is he so afraid to let the truth be known to me? Is he afraid of how I’d react? He obviously isn’t worried about his testing interfering with things or giving him away. Somehow, he knows he can “beat” this testing thing. He seems to be confident about it, anyway. If we do go through with testing, and if he does let them have a sample of his cum, then I was right all along about his “selective cumming.”

Well, as I said months ago, I’m determined to never let the issues of sex or a child hurt, anger, or frustrate me again in any way. I refuse to let these things be a part of my life, and maybe that’s why I’m not hurt that he lied to me, although I suppose I should be. Any other woman probably would be, but because I no longer want a child, and because I got so sick of the whole damn screwy sex thing a long time ago, it doesn’t faze me. Not even I choose to cum anymore when we screw. Although, for different reasons, of course. I’m just not turned on enough, although I would cum regularly if he always went down on me instead of always screwed me. I’d just rather get off myself, but even that’s not so easy anymore.

This is the second out of three vibrators to break on me. So, unless it’s something up there trying to tell me this is a forbidden pleasure, vibrators suck. They’re made so shitty, so I’m just gonna use the last one I’ve got till it breaks, then no more vibrators.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 1998 As far as I know, our little lisp bitch next door’s been behaving. I was only up till 4 PM yesterday, but in all that time, I didn’t see or hear any cars.

Maybe I’ve already mentioned this, but what I don’t get about this bitch and cock is this: If he’s got enough money to have such nice cars, and if he can keep a job steadily, why not marry the bitch and support the bitch and mistake himself? Can’t he take care of them? Why leave them stuck on welfare with all the rules and restrictions that go with it? Maybe the bitch just likes the idea of having something handed to her for free, even if it isn’t much. They’ve all gotta try to get something for nothing.

You know, it still really pisses me the fuck off the more I think of his mom and others on his side of the family. It really burns me up to know we’re out $4,000 and two years because of this selfish woman. Doesn’t she, Mary, Dave, or anyone else have a clue as to how much time and money we’ve lost because of her, Mary, and others? When Tom, who knows money well, told me just how much money we’ve been suckered out of, I was so pissed, and I still am, that I don’t know if I want to even see these people again. It’d just be way too hard to look them in the face and smile and be all nice to them.

I saw on the Caller ID box that Mary called last night after I crashed. Now, I know she didn’t call just to say hi. I’ll ask Tom when he gets up what she wanted from him this time. I just hope he sticks to his word of putting his foot down. I would’ve stopped at the first $100 and the first 10-20 hours of work I put in for Mrs. Do My Work For Me, and when I asked Tom why it took two years and $4,000, he said it was because he felt bad for her. Also, he felt like he owed his dad, who never took advantage of his time or money, but now he’s realized he’s paid his debt many times over. To me, we as children or grownups, don’t owe our parents anything. When they decided to have us, they should’ve known what they were getting into, and they’re not our responsibility. Marge just has no concept of money, according to Tom. Tom’s dad would take him with him to buy parts for jobs he needed and would pay him more than what the parts cost. And he never demanded so many hours, days, months, and even years of work from Tom, and he never played favorites. This woman, though, thinks all jobs should pay $20. He goes out and buys $100 worth of parts, then 5 hours, or days later, depending on how long the job took, she gives him $20, then says she’ll “catch him later.” In other words, what she’s really saying is, “I got what I wanted from you, now fuck off.”

Now, his dad may have given us $10,000 towards buying this house in ‘93, and mom may have bought us a $3,000 AC/heat pump, and given us other things, and we may be doing well financially these days, but with all the money spent on her, we could’ve bought this shit ourselves many times over.

People with younger kids have no respect for others. They think they’re special and that they should come first, and they think they’re owed top this, top that. I’ll bet you anything that Pam raided that house right along with Jackie, Jim, David and Evie.

I wish Marge would just hurry up and drop dead, and I don’t give a shit how mean, selfish, cruel, ungrateful or spoiled that sounds. We’ve lived her life for her long enough. My whole life has been total overkill on taking care of others first and myself last. Or just not being able to live my life for myself and do the things I want to do for whatever reason. Either fate wouldn’t allow it, there wasn’t enough money, etc. I’m not saying no one ever did anything for me or spent money on me. Look at all the help I got from Tammy, Dureen and Art in getting me the hell out of New England. Look at all Tom’s done for me. Nonetheless, my whole life’s been what I was forced to be like, to say, to do, but no more! No fucking more! I have too much self-respect these days to be taken financially or to associate with people like Dureen and Art who don’t love/accept me as I am and who are control freaks. Everything has always been what I can do for others. Not what I can do for myself, but for others. Well, I’m taking my life back now that should’ve been mine the day God gave it to me. As soon as she does die, though, Mary, Evelyn, and others are gonna be bombarding Tom with do-this-and-do-that-for-me requests because they’ll think that when Mom dies, he still won’t want his own life and his own money. Well, they’re wrong!

Deep down, though, I will always appreciate the fact that there was never any violence, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse in this family as there was in mine. (there was no sexual abuse in mine, though, that I know of) Tom said Ma’s long-dead stepfather was a violent drunk, though. My family consists of abusers, his consists of users.

Of course, I want to do things to please Tom, because he’s the love of my life. Of course, I’ll talk to Lisa. Of course, I’ll tell Andy something in Spanish for him if I can. I’m just saying that Tom and I need to live our lives too, and do stuff for our house, and use our money for us.

In better news, I never knew it when he came into bed last night, so that’s great.

We got our yearly check from SRP for a few hundred dollars, so now we can hunt for the best airfare deals and head on over to Vegas! See, there are two electric companies. APS and SRP. We have APS which is more expensive, so SRP pays us the money we would’ve saved if we’d had them. The people can’t choose who they use, though. It all depends on where you live.

We also picked out a lady OB/GYN (Dr. Wells) for me to call this week for a check-up and to start the testing. I can’t believe I’m finally doing this. Or at least, it looks like I’m gonna be doing this.

I asked Tom if he felt that doing what Andy’s sister Linda did is a form of a black market paying for a person and all that. He said he doesn’t feel paying for fertility stuff/babies in that way is like the black market.

Later…

Tom got up a while ago but has gone back to bed to at least rest. He has to go to work tonight at 7:30.

Mary called to say what she did at Marge’s house. She and Dave went over to play around with the stuff, more so than to help do their fair share of work. Tom has the dumpster till Friday, so at least he’s not too pressured to finish the job, but you’re talking another 5-6 hours’ worth of work he has to do for her.

Thank God there is a Mary and Dave and other relatives because then we’d be stuck with her living here and with 100% of the work, instead of 90% of it. I probably would’ve insisted she go to a nursing home.

Tom was telling me about a disturbing movie he saw that he hopes I don’t see. I won’t want to see it now since he already told me about it. Besides, I pretty much only watch the movies we’ve been renting. I do like commercial-free movies better than TV shows (series) but I hate today’s acting style almost as much as yesterday’s. Yesterday’s was overkill on the dramatics, but at least you could hear what they were saying. Today, there are fewer dramatics, but you can’t hear a damn thing they say, because they talk so fucking soft. And there’s just too much repetition. Like I said, it’s wrong for Dureen and Art to have tried to control/change me like they did, but I can understand how easy it is to get sick of hearing the same things, or things that are of no interest to me.

Being a drama schoolteacher must be easy. I mean, all you gotta do is tell students, “Talk really soft and show no emotion.”

I’m really excited about taking up a new hobby - doll collecting. I’m done collecting mugs, stickers, rodent cage parts, journals and CDs. I wish it weren’t so costly, but I just can’t get over how cute/lifelike some of the dolls in this catalog are! Tom and I are gonna look around the city to see if we can find dolls that are just as nice and compare prices, but I’ll keep this catalog just in case. Hope I win big in Vegas!

I’ll describe the four dolls I’d like to start with getting over the next several months.

The Rapunzel doll, which looks like a small child, is 19” tall with long blond hair, brown eyes, and a dark green dress. If I could change anything about her, I’d make her hair dark and I’d change her dress color to pink.

Katherine Rose, who also looks like a small child, is 14” tall like the Jessica doll I’ve got, with hazel eyes, auburn hair that’s up in a bun with curls hanging down on the sides, and a burgundy-colored dress.

Patrice, who looks like she’s a teenager, is 14” tall and a beautiful ballerina. She stands on one toe, with the other straight up behind her. She’s got dark curly hair piled up with loose curls spilling around her face, dark eyes, and a beautiful, sleeveless, light blue tutu.

Summer Dream is the most realistic and womanly doll of them all, although Patrice is pretty realistic-looking, too. Summer Dream is 19½” tall, and a gorgeous bride with blue eyes and blond hair piled up. I love how her backless gown falls off the shoulders.

I guess I never did describe Jessica, the one I stole in the mail. Well, she’s 14” tall with long blond hair, blue eyes, and is a young child wearing a light blue cotton dress with a matching bonnet and holding a teddy bear.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 1998 I have a shitload of shit to update on. First of all, I wouldn’t be surprised if Andy was a pest this weekend. Or at least till we get to talk live next. Red Lobster called me yesterday asking if “Mark” was gonna come in and I let him know that he didn’t live there and that I was just listed as a reference. I gave him his number. Andy left a message later saying he didn’t know why I was called. Guess the kid couldn’t read his file correctly, but Andy’s kind of on-call and doesn’t know from one day to the next whether or not he’s doing lunch or dinner. He hates Red Lobster because he’s making shitty money there. Too bad, because I know he’s wanted to work there for quite a while. Anyway, in his reply message to me, he also said he had some exciting news for me that he wants to tell me live, and I’m thinking - Great. I can’t wait. I’m sure the exciting news is nothing more than a guy he met who he thinks is Mr. Right and that he’ll live happily ever after with, something about Stevie Nicks, or some hot new career he thinks he’s getting into. Nonetheless, I’ll listen to whatever he has to tell me. I’m not a Dureen. It’s not like I don’t care or love and accept him as he is, and it’s OK for him to talk about stuff that doesn’t interest me.

Got up a couple of hours ago and left Andy an update on what’s been going on, which I’ll update here in a sec, but I don’t always expect him to remember or even get what the hell I’m saying.

Haven’t heard from Andy or Michelle about those messages I left. Yeah, I finally got around to leaving some messages with the different voices reading goofy text.

Lisa called me yesterday to fill me in on things. I know that she’ll be calling while she’s suspended. Bill didn’t hit her. That was a relief to know, but she’s still upset with how Tammy appears to be contradicting and she doesn’t like how she’s always talked about. I told Lisa that the sooner she learns that most people are contradicting and that people will always gossip about her whether it’s in a good or a bad way, the easier her life will be (as if Andy hasn’t spent hours and hours talking about me to Michelle).

She said she called Larry’s for the first time in a while and that now she sees what I mean. She said she called wanting to talk to Jen, but Larry answered. She said he sounded very cold. Yeah, I knew it. As I told her, sooner or later, he’s gonna reach his fill and basically wash his hands clean of her. He’s a wimp. Can’t deal with other people’s problems. He didn’t just dump me years ago because of things I said and did to him, Sandy or Michelle, but because I had so many problems back then.

Anyway, instead of thinking - I told her not to call - now she can hopefully learn her lesson from this. She got to see what I was talking about, so hopefully she, Tammy, and her sisters won’t ever contact Mom, Dad, or Larry. They’ll only hurt them. Maybe not right away, but they will. For every good, fun time you can have with these people, that’s 50 frustrating, bad times you get too. They’re not worth it. The bad in them outweighs the good by way too much.

Still haven’t weighed myself in days, and now that my water’s gone and my period has passed, I don’t think I am back in the 120s after all. That trace mineral pill still seems to be making a world of difference, but it’s still too soon to say that it’s because of that. I do have a few days here and there where I’m not hungry every other second, but we’ll see. If I still feel more energized and less hungry a week from now, then yes, I’d say the mineral pill is helping.

If they didn’t make Benadryl, I’d never have gotten to my boring, uncomfortable appointment yesterday. I was in such a foul mood yesterday and I’m sure they all could tell. First, Melanie did her thing which wasn’t too bad. The pressure was only for half a minute, rather than for two or three, but the time I had to spend waiting in between Melanie and the filling, bored me to utter frustration. As well as bitterness towards God. If he’d just let me come into this world normal, I wouldn’t have to go through this shit. Wasn’t just the ear thing alone enough? Obviously not. But at least I get such a great-looking orthodontist out of it.

Novocain is a slow-acting drug. It takes a good 20 minutes or so for it to set in and really numb things up. And it also makes your heart race. It would’ve been fine if Melanie stayed in the room and chatted with me, but I was left all alone in there. I don’t know if it’s because she didn’t want to be around me, or because she had other things to do, but after what seemed like an eternity, the doctor and Oprah came in and filled me.

The doctor may not be such a liar after all. I told him I was surprised I had a cavity since I’d been brushing really well and he said it’s not so much that I have a cavity, it’s that the old filling broke up and left an area of decay exposed that had to be refilled.

Anyway, the soreness caused by Melanie and the doctor combined brought me to tears of frustration when I got home, and I’ve been taking a lot of Ibuprofen. I may have a lot of curses, but boy am I blessed to have such a wonderful, supportive guy like Tom.

Now that my appointment’s over, Tom and I can go back to being “normal” and sleep together.

Later…

What? Are we not working this morning, bitch, or are you back to leaving at 7:30, instead of earlier? Well, I don’t think she’s working. I think it’s some type of training thing. I’ll hear when Bill gets here.

Tom says he doubts the bitch’s cock will move back in again, but I disagree. I hope he’s right, but if I’m right, I’ll just have the cock kicked out again. It’ll only take up to two weeks to boot his ass out of here, and while I’m still here, if you can’t cut it in this neighborhood - you’re out of here! Particularly when it comes to next door.

Those Lopezs are very very lucky that I didn’t know that I’d be here this long back in ‘93 and that I know I won’t be here more than another year. Those dogs have been horrendous lately, and if I’d known I’d be here this long, or if I suddenly wanted to stay here, I’d either take legal action or have those dogs taken away or destroyed. It’d probably be one of the last two since legal action probably wouldn’t do me any good. The courts would tell them to keep their dogs quiet, the Lopezs would say “sure,” then carry on as usual. The only way they could shut those dogs up, anyway, would be to either keep them indoors or debark them.

Here’s Bill.

Later…

Lisa called and we spoke for about an hour. She’s bothered by the fact that people think she’s cutting herself to get attention. I know better, though. Take it from someone who was just like her - it has nothing to do with attention-getting. It’s an illness, and until she learns to channel her anger/depression/frustration differently, this is how it is.

I told her, using the cutting, the weight loss, the ear surgery, the teeth, etc., that it just takes time to solve most problems. They can take years to solve, but if not, they don’t usually get fixed overnight.

I told her that after dealing with two of the three things that I was born without/screwed up, it’s still hard, and it’s taken a long time (she knows about the ear and teeth, but didn’t know about the DES, which I explained to her).

She said she thinks of having a kid, but not at her age, naturally. More like when she’s 27. I told her that in my opinion, not getting married or having kids before age 25 is good. I think that between 25-45 is good. Of course, at her age, she sees 30 and 40-year-olds as antiques. I told her that once she got into her 20s, her 30s and 40s wouldn’t seem so old. Guess it just depends on where you are in life. At 80 years old, wouldn’t the 60-year-olds seem young?

She told me that this 16-year-old from school had a miscarriage, and the next night, she and her boyfriend were out partying. She also feels, though, that it was the best thing since she was so young and since this girl’s parents shouldn’t have been parents themselves from what she told me. I didn’t know God had it in him to kill a child that was inside of another child, but of course, he shouldn’t have stuck it in there in the first place.

She also says she found an old video of me. The one I sent in ‘94 with Tom and I at Castles & Coasters, and with Piggles swimming.

Lastly, she was describing the nuisances of having ADD where you can’t focus too easily on things. I swear that girl and I have everything in common except for two things. I never had the desire to become a meteorologist (not that she’s necessarily gonna end up doing this for sure) and I see nothing to indicate that Lisa’s gay or even bi in any way.

Never have I heard Tom utter one bad word about his father, and never have I heard him utter one bad word about his mother. Until yesterday. He’s fed up with what I got fed up with in ‘95 or ‘96. The constant demands. Do this for her. Do that for her.

See, as much as Tom disagrees with this too, back when his parents got married, it was common for the man to be the boss in every sense of the word. His parents were always the opposite of my parents. With my parents, Doe’s the boss. With his parents, whatever his dad said was what his ma did. So, now he’s not sure if the fact that his mother’s been taking advantage of him has to do with her illness or her own nature. Was she always this way? Is this the true Marjorie S that only emerged after Dad’s death? Although, I think it all started as soon as Dad got sick.

I’m glad that Tom told both his mother and Mary how he feels, and this is what he told me: He’s mainly bummed out by all the time and money he’s put into her, while she just gives hundreds of dollars worth of things to Jackie and Jim, David and Evie, etc. All they have to do is ask and they get. Tom spends 5 hours doing a job for her that costs him $30 worth of parts and what does she give him for it? A lousy $20. Meanwhile, that’s $10 and 5 hours he’s lost that we could’ve spent together, doing things for us for a change, in our house, and that’s money that could’ve been saved towards moving.

He totally regrets giving up his Nissan for her Ford, but Ma felt like she was doing him this huge favor and was all bummed out at the idea of him not taking the fucking thing. He’s spent so much money and so many fucking hours fixing this car. It’s getting better and it’ll be a sufficient enough car to have till we get a new one, but at least with the Nissan, it never wouldn’t go at all. He could put quick fixes on it till he had time to work on it. Not with this Ford, though. He has to work on major, money-eating problems right then and there or be without a car.

As I told him, I always did feel that he was the one who had to do the bulk of her work. He has to be Mary’s fucking mechanic, he has to put in a shower door at her house because Dave’s too stupid to, and on and on and on. He’s his mother’s driver, his mother’s this, his mother’s that, but everyone else gets to get things for nothing. They don’t lose any time or money.

I really think it’s because we don’t have kids. His mother obviously thinks that just because he has a life, he doesn’t mind giving it up for her. Well, she’s wrong, and I’m sick of the demands from that family and I’m sick of the favoritism. They’ve lessened lately, but still. Poor Tom has to spend hours at her old house, after working all night, emptying the stuff into a dumpster, while everyone else gets to sit on their fucking asses and get shit handed to them. I hope he’ll enjoy the memories that the stuff brings, though, because he was very close to his dad.

Years ago I wanted to tell Ma, “Hey! You’re running him ragged and I’m afraid you’re gonna kill the guy! He needs to get his sleep and he needs to live his life, too.”

But of course I never did/would because it’s not my place to. Not unless something serious did happen to Tom. Tom’s not blind, though. Unlike some people, he’s able to see what this has done to him/us, and he knows when to draw his own lines.

So, Tom’s basically had to decide whether or not to wash his hands clean of the situation, which he knows would mean sticking more on Mary, but tough. There comes a time when you have to think of yourself and your own life, too, you know. He’s not gonna dump his family in the way that I dumped mine, but he’s not gonna spend all this time and money on living her life for her.

I still love his mother dearly as well as the rest of the family, but if I were in their company right now, I don’t think I’d be my usual bubbly self. I think I’d be distant with a neutral tone of voice and they may perceive that to be cold, but like Tom said, you can’t control/change what others think.

I’m proud of him for speaking his mind and for making the decision he’s made.

I don’t know if she’s gonna sell the house or give it to Jackie and Jim, who are under the very false impression that they can rent that house out and get money for doing nothing. Well, if they take that house, they’re gonna be in for a surprise when they start calling for Tom’s help with maintaining it because the answer’s no.

I asked Tom if he thought I was using him for rides to the doctor and he said no because that’s part of our system, just like he’s not using me to do his laundry. True. Very true.

Both yesterday and the day before, I just missed the call back from Dr. Brown’s office. Lisa, the secretary called and left a message. Again, was I meant to miss the call? I sure felt like I was.

So yesterday, Tom offered to sit down with me this weekend and pick out one of Intergroup’s GYNs and just go directly to them so I wouldn’t have to go for repeat PAPs and all that BS.

Just a little while, though, Lisa called. It came up as private (private in the back and anonymous in the living room) and I picked up thinking that although it was early, maybe it was Andy. It was Lisa, though, and I recognized the voice right away. She asked how I knew it was her and I told her I was very good with voices. Anyway, she told me the primary doctors allow you to go once to another doctor without a referral and to call her back if there are any problems.

So, I guess it’s off to whatever GYN we pick out.

Later…

Oh, brother! Here we go again. What’s Andy’s wonderful news? Well, in his message to me, he says he’s definitely moving back east in April. David’s gonna pay for it, he’ll be moving right in with David, and he just doesn’t want to be alone anymore. Yeah, right! I mean, I know he’s desperately lonely, but I also know I’ve heard this before from him about moving back east and I know he’s not gonna do it.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1998 Unbelievably, I slept through a power failure. In the past, as soon as the power would fail, I’d wake up to the sound of the fan shutting down, the instant the power failed. I guess that since I’ve become much more relaxed since I don’t have the stress of next door’s old shit on me anymore, I can sleep better, but the power failure had to be only for a few seconds. If it were longer than just a few seconds, I’d wake up to the outside noise. Car doors, dogs, squeaky breaks, the mail going through the slot, anything.

I created new color themes, but I’ve got to fine-tune some of them.

Yesterday morning the freeloaders slammed doors for what seemed like forfuckingever. Looks like we’re back to the old routine - the cock’s taking the mistake for the day and the bitch is going off with Bill. Although, the cock was here longer than usual. At least for 15 minutes. Before, he’d just grab the mistake and split. Also, Bill’s car was here for quite a while, too, even after the cock left.

Later…

Tom brought home natural mineral pills called chromium picolinate. I’ve never heard of it before, but so far it’s a gift from God. I repeat, so far, since things have a way of seeming to do me good at first, then not so good after all.

As I may have mentioned, I’ve really had it with being hungry all the time. It was really taking its toll on me. Tom put the scale in the garage, which I don’t need anyway because I can tell when I lose or gain weight. I’m already gaining back the weight I’ve lost, but that’s OK. Nowadays I’m more into how I feel. Not how I look. I can be a fat person. No one’s gonna shoot me for it, and my husband will love me just the same. Anyway, the purpose of these mineral pills is to curb hunger pangs. It said that low blood sugar causes poor concentration, weakness, and food cravings. Well, I definitely was having poor concentration and food cravings. I took one yesterday with food, as they recommended. I got up at 1 AM and had a few crackers to hold me over. I had decided that I’d have a whole can of bean soup once I fully woke up. So once I did wake up, I reached for the can of soup, but then realized I wasn’t the least bit hungry. So I waited till just a little while ago, but by the time I ate half the soup, I felt stuffed! So, we’ll just have to see what happens.

I’m gonna try to keep up with the walking. It takes just over 5 minutes to play a tiles game while walking, so even if I play 5 games once an hour, it ought to do me good in keeping my stamina built up.

Later…

Just did a little singing for the second time since I’ve been up.

Ratsy really wanted out of his cage today and yesterday. He really likes coming out and being handled now a lot better than he did at first.

Blackie’s really getting healthier. When I’d pat his back, I could feel all the knobs of his spine, but now it’s covered. He’s filling out nicely.

I can’t cry over this one, but I haven’t seen White Paws in a couple of days. I wonder where the hell she could be. I never thought she’d disappear any more than I thought Mama Cat would, but we’ll see. I think she’ll show up soon enough.

Different family members are having their share of medical stuff to deal with. Mary and Evie are having gallbladder surgery, and Mary’s gonna have part of her thyroid removed. Mom’s still shaky and out of it, but there’s a new medication she’s gonna be trying that’ll hopefully help the tremors.

I don’t know if I ever mentioned Tom’s first wife Karen. They were married for two years when Tom was around 20. They were married in Bullhead City, AZ. Karen turned out to be a real nut and Tom said she wanted to divorce so she could be free to do more things alone. According to Tom, she didn’t want kids. If he did, though, then why’d he marry someone who didn’t?

Guess I’ll be chatting with Andy again sometime soon. We were talking about the scandal going down with the president the last time we spoke. I just don’t understand why the public is so shocked. They act as if they’ve never heard of such slutty behavior before. Hey, whores are a dime a dozen.

I typed up a few messages that I’ll leave, in different voices, on Michele’s machine after she leaves for work.

Later…

The blue car came and got the bitch just a few minutes ago. Bill’s car’s over there now, so I guess he’s gonna be here mistake-sitting all day.

As fate would have it, White Paws is alive and well and I just found her outside the door. This goes to prove Tom wrong, though, when he says she is too weak to hunt for herself. I hadn’t fed her in a few days, which was when I last saw her, yet she had to have eaten something since then, or else she’d be dead. She can fend for herself just fine.

God, that’s so fucking weird! It’s raining, thundering, and windy as all hell out there right now, yet the sun is shining brightly.

Later…

My period’s doing what it’s been doing for the last several months. About 4-5 days ago, I had a couple of days of spotting, but nothing since then. So, within the next few days, I’ll have a flow.

You know, I don’t really like the idea of Bill babysitting here. What’s to say that when the weather cools down that thing’s not gonna be out and about screaming its little black clown ass off? I’m sure I wouldn’t notice it for the most part, since I have the air cleaner on a lot or a fan to drown out the guard dogs, and it’s better than bass, but I still don’t like the idea of it. I’m gonna have enough screaming and ball games to listen to this winter as it is. Well, I’ll deal with next door as I see fit. Sometimes I think of propping the music room window open, both when I know they’re bopping around in their driveway, and in the middle of the night, and really letting them have it music-wise, but two things stop me from doing so. One is that I just can’t stoop myself as low as they are and provoke them for no reason like they’ve done to me. They haven’t caused any shit to deserve this in months, save for the usual door-slamming. The other reason is that I know it won’t bother them. In fact, they’d probably enjoy it.

Later…

I wish these next two days would come and go like yesterday! I’m dog-tired already, yet I have a long haul ahead of me. I want to stay up till at least 6:00.

Although the mineral pill is still keeping me from being ferociously hungry, and although I’m stuck, I am so bloated and so watery! Not even the water pill’s helping much, and I’ve got to be back to 124 pounds for sure or very close to it. I can tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I’ve got to be back in the 120s.

I’m waiting for the damn doctor’s office to call me back. Believe it or not, after a talk I had with Tom yesterday, I decided to finally go ahead and take the first steps towards getting tested, and whatever happens, happens. I'm waiting to hear if I should go directly to a GYN, or waste everyone’s time with repeated bloody PAPs at the regular office.

I still don’t want a child nor is it something I could ever handle, but I need to see instead of just suspect and believe how this whole thing will play out. Let’s see how accurate I am when I say they’ll either be able to find what’s wrong, but not be able to fix it, or they won’t be able to find what’s wrong. Let’s see how accurate I am about how uncooperative Tom will be, too. He swears he’ll support me and that he’ll “do his best.” He said to me, “Just because I may not be able to do what they suggest the instant they suggest it, doesn’t mean I’ve got some subconscious fear blocking me.” In other words, he’s already making excuses for what we both know he’s gonna do. If his not cumming isn’t in his psyche, then what else could it be? There’s no such physical problem as a guy who can get hard, but who can only cum once in a blue moon. As long as he can get hard, which is almost every time we screw, he can get off almost every time we screw, but if he doesn’t cooperate, I’m not gonna let that stop me from doing what I have to do. I want some answers if there are any for me at all and you know what else? I just may want to be fixed, if it were possible so I too, could have the choice that every woman should have. God certainly isn’t an equal-opportunity plumber, that’s for sure.

Later…

It’s almost hard to believe I’m still up. Between 10:00 and noon, I was dog-tired. Tom got in around noon, and we agreed I’d take a two-hour nap while he listened for the phone, but by then I couldn’t even nap. Well, I’d like to push it till 6:30 if I can. Then all I have to do is hope there are no storms.

I called at around 10 AM and asked the nurse to ask the doctor if she thought it best that I go directly to a GYN and explained why. I was told I’d be called back between 1:00 - 3:15. Gee, they’re really reliable, huh? Wonder if it’s a sign. Tom says if they don’t call, just make an appointment with a GYN, but I don’t know.

I walked 37 minutes today and it seemed to take no time at all. That’s because I broke it up and played 7 different tiles games once an hour. From now on, I’m going to try to walk/play at least 5 games a day, which will add up to about 30 minutes of walking. I’ll probably eat two TV dinners a day and snack on salad and popcorn in between.

Lisa called today. It was her that tried calling me a couple of days ago. She tried from school. She got suspended for being caught smoking. Back when I was in high school (the real one) they had a smoking area in an outside courtyard, but her high school doesn’t allow smoking anywhere.

Once again, I lectured her on the importance of doing well and following the rules so she can graduate and get out of there. But, as Tom says, teenagers don’t believe a thing grownups say. She’ll just have to live and learn.

She also cut herself after doing really well. I told her that we all have setbacks, but that each time she picked herself back up again, she’d stay up for longer.

Again, this cancer may not kill Bill (if it really ever existed), but he sure would literally die of relief if he knew just how lucky he is that I’m on the other side of the country. I haven’t wanted to kill anybody this bad in years! The sick fuck’s still badgering Lisa about her weight. I told her again to speak up and take a stand for herself. Let him know hey, you’re hurting me when you pick on me like that, and if you truly loved me, you’d see me for who I am and not what I look like. What? Does he think he’s Mr. Stud of the Year? Yeah, he probably does.

She says he scares her with his yelling at her but has kept his paws to himself lately. I told her not to worry about being yelled at, but that if he laid a hand on her, she should call the police.

She says he talks about me and it pisses her off. He’s been saying how weird and crazy I am, and like I told Lisa, it’s true to a degree and I’m proud of it.

You know, I just don’t get that sister of mine. According to Lisa, she’s on Lisa’s side one minute, Bill’s the next. Yeah, that’s my contradicting sister for you. But I mean, it’s like someone saying they hate chocolate, yet going out and buying a chocolate candy bar. How can any mother allow a guy like him to come within 50 yards of any of her kids? No court could stop me from putting my kids in danger like that if I had had kids. Even if Bill’s not hurting Lisa physically, he’s hurting her emotionally and he should be locked up, and if not, he should at the very least be forbidden to go near children. He should be doing jail time for all the times he’s hit and cut Lisa down, but if that can’t be, and it can’t be, then he should be ordered to stay away from her from here on out.

God, what are you doing up there? Where are you when people really need you? Some God you are. We can really count on you.

I asked Tom why he married Karen if he wanted kids and knew she didn’t. His answer was that it didn’t matter to him as much back then and that even though it matters more to him now, it’s not a life-or-death situation. He has preferences, but loves me and accepts me as I am. So, he’s saying that even though he wants a kid, he loves me enough to stay with me and not have one. Well, I know without a moment’s doubt that he’d have been a great father if we had had a kid, but I still believe that deep down, he doesn’t want a kid any more than I do, because just like me, he doesn’t want the hassles of it or his time sucked up by it. The only difference between us is that he could’ve handled it. I couldn’t have.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 1998 The Benadryl ended up putting me out from 11 PM - 2 AM. Tom thinks I'll make it to my appointment Thursday, but I don't know. It's cutting it really close. Maybe the nap will help to push my schedule around, but we'll see.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1998 Unfuckingbelievable! I’m getting hungry again. Already?! Could there be something else going on with me that mimics hunger pangs? Why is it that some days I just cannot fill up? It seems like half the days no amount of food could satisfy me, but why? Why? Why? Why? Why must I always be fated to swap one problem for another? Can I ever be allowed by God to solve a problem and not get a new one in return for it?

Later…

I am officially off my diet now. No more going hungry all the time and eating barely 1000-1200 calories a day. I need more like 2000-3000 a day. I’m older now, so my metabolism and dietary needs have changed. I’m going to eat when I’m hungry and go back to eating what I want when I want, and I’ll let my weight go where it wants to go naturally.

I had Tom put the scale in the garage so I wouldn’t weigh myself so often. He thinks I’ll be less hungry if I don’t weigh myself so much. He thinks weighing myself a lot triggers a psychological response that enhances my hunger. He’s gonna look into simple, non-dairy diet plans, and appetite suppressants, because if there’s something that’ll allow me to continue on with eating healthy, then OK, as long as I’m not hungry all the time. If there’s something that’ll work for me without side effects, fine. That way I can eat healthily and maybe as an added bonus, I can keep my weight where it is. Remember, if I go into the 120s again, it’ll be hard to rock.

Someone tried to call collect today. The only one I can think of is Paula since Lisa’s been calling directly lately on some plan they’ve got.

I called to wish Sarah a happy birthday in the morning before everyone left. Lisa and Tammy get up at 6:00 and Becky and Sarah get up at 7:00. Tammy’s the last one to leave at 8:00.

Tammy’s fine. She’s still with Mark and happy. She, like Andy, asked if I’d talked to Mom and Dad. I gave them both the same answer - I’ll never talk to them again. It’s over. Period. Tammy hasn’t talked to them, either. We’ve both endured many years of being hurt by these people, that’s for sure.

I’ve come to conclude that these people may have never really even loved me. Just take how they’ve dealt with my sterility, for example. That alone tells me something about these people. Back when they knew I wanted a kid and couldn’t have one, they were so insensitive about it. They didn’t give a shit. They felt not one stitch of empathy for what I was going through and they even told me that they didn’t want to hear about it. No one who truly loves you and accepts you as you are treats you that way, whether they’re relatives or not. If having a kid was something that they felt I should have, then that would’ve been different. Only if it’s something they can relate to, that interests them, too, and that has something to offer them.

There’s only one real mom that I’ll always refer to as “mom” and that’s Tom’s mom. She loves me and accepts me as I am and she wants to hear about my bad times, as well as my good. She wants to hear about things that she can’t relate to and that don’t benefit her in any way, as well as just the opposite.

And speaking of that mom, Tom had to break up his sleep to take her to an appointment today that took forever. Mary couldn’t take her because she had her own appointment to go to. Tom says ma’s not doing well at all.

Here goes another fucking allergy attack. At first I was like - it fucking figures that this has to happen right before an appointment so I can’t take Benadryl, but then I said - fuck that shit. I’m taking Benadryl. I’m not gonna suffer from intermittent sneezing fits till I crash. I’m sick of this shit, you know? And once they start, they don’t stop. I have sneezing fits every half hour or so till I fall asleep. So, now I can forget about enjoying a burger and some fries in an hour when Tom gets up.

Today I didn’t just hear next door’s door-slamming spree, I saw it. I heard a door slam, then went and peeked out and saw the trunk and back doors open. I couldn’t see the front doors, though, because they were too deep into the carport.

I’d say that Bill didn’t watch the mistake today at the house. I’d say that the mistake went elsewhere for the day and that Bill brought home both mistake and bitch.

I saw both the bitch and Bill unload the car, and man is that bitch ugly! Great body, ugly face. The bitch took from the backseat what appeared to be the mistake’s shit. Bags for toys and diapers, although I think 3 years old is a little old for diapers. Isn’t it? I don’t know shit about kids, so I couldn’t tell you for sure. Then she slammed the door as if she was pissed. She’s always pissed. Always moving about in a mad, aggressive way. Then Bill, who moves awfully slow and makes me wonder how the hell he can have quick enough reflexes for driving, popped into view. In slow motion, he took a big box out of the trunk, but I couldn’t see what it was. Then the bitch came out and took a few plastic bags out of the trunk that was probably groceries. Then Bill did this. Then he was gone. What? Do they unload groceries and boxes daily? Is that what all the door slamming’s about (besides to piss me off)?

Speaking of things that piss me off - it’s coming up on 10 PM, and the fucking dogs are going off. They’ve been really, really bad the last couple of days.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 1998 Tom and I just screwed, but he was too tired to get on top. That’s OK. That happens sometimes.

I shouldn’t have bragged about how Caddy Kid hasn’t been around, because he’s back, although I don’t know for sure that it’s him. All I know is that someone banged by at 4:30 AM yesterday morning and at 11 PM last night.

Tom and I played with Ratsy on the bed a little while ago. He really likes Tom. Man, does he stink like hell, too!

Later…

Gonna cool down into the upper 90s by next weekend. Getting pretty pleasant for some ball games, huh Joely? Think you can have your gal pals and their mistakes come over and play for me? You know I can’t legally complain about that. I should be able to, though. No one should be allowed to have basketball hoops in their driveways when you’ve got a house as close as 3’ away from you.

For a minute just now, I missed my cigarettes. I miss having the vice, the act of smoking. Now, all I do is drink coffee and pop Tic-Tacs in my mouth. Although Tic-Tacs are only 1½ calories and I have about 50 of them a day, I suppose I should stop the tics. I will when I get the braces off. I’ll have them once a week or so then, then just chew gum. It’s too much of a hassle to chew gum except after eating because I have my braces waxed. So, I only chew gum when I go to take out the wax to eat or brush my teeth.

Tom left for work a couple of hours ago and good fucking riddance! It’s not that I don’t still love him and want to be with him forever, but I just get so sick of him and he tends to bore me at times. It’s nothing new, though - you can’t always communicate with the guy, he takes things the wrong way, instead of speaking up, he makes excuses, the sex has come to be totally boring and cumless for me as well, and I’m sick of having to compete with and live with that fucking TV!

He says he wants to spend time with me, but then why does he sit down in front of the TV instead? He denies this, but he watches hour after hour of TV, then complains he’s tired. Tom’s not a lazy man. He’s on his feet at work and he does a lot of errands but maybe if he walked on the treadmill himself instead of spending so much time just sitting, he’d have more energy to do more things around here. I thought computers were supposed to be his favorite thing. If that’s so, then why is he at the TV 80% of the time he’s here?

I asked him about trimming the tree out front and the hedges that he said he’d do weeks ago and what was his excuse? That he didn’t want to use electrical stuff if it was gonna rain. It was nowhere near raining today. What he really wanted to do was spend it sitting in front of the TV, but he didn’t want to say so, so he used rain as a lame excuse. To me, this is the same as lying and I don’t like it. He uses having to clear out his ma’s house as an excuse for not stopping to get a carry box for White Paws so we can take her to a shelter. But he wasn’t even doing his ma’s house this weekend. And he sure had time to pick up the new phone and mattress pad. As I told him, why not just come out and admit that he doesn’t want to get rid of that cat? He wants that cat, and he’d never admit this part, but I think he enjoys forcing it on me, too. Well, if he can say one thing and do another, so can I. I said I’d feed her. No more. If he wants her fed, he can feed her himself. I don’t make him take care of Ratsy, he doesn’t like rats, so why should I take care of his cat for him? Let him deal with her because I have my own cat I love and take care of. That we love and take care of because it’s a cat that we both want.

We both admitted we misunderstood each other about when he was to pick up orange juice and that it was OK if I took the water pill an hour before I had some orange juice, but then of course he just had to leave the bathroom sink faucet dripping which he knows I don’t like just to spite me. It’s so childish, too, but these are things I no longer confront him with because I know he’ll just deny it. That’s Tom for you - you don’t want to do something or admit to something - deny it. Just deny it. Or make excuses. Want to know what he’d say if I told him, I made comments saying he’s been cumming all along just to see if he’d be honest enough to admit that wasn’t true, but he went right along with me and that’s lying. You know what this bold, but very bad liar would say as a lying excuse? He’d tell me something like, “But you never gave me the chance.” Yes, Tom S would have the bold nerve to use such a lying, obvious, bullshit, lame excuse like that.

They say that if you can lie about one thing, you can lie about other things. I’ve never felt that there was a chance Tom would ever cheat on me. Most guys who were too afraid to get off with their wives would, but he has close to no sex drive at all, so he’s not missing anything with me. It’d be much more convenient for him to just take care of himself if he got that built up. And remember, he says he has wet dreams. It takes an awful lot to build this guy up, he can take care of himself, but what if I’m wrong? What if he’s getting it on with some young, thin, attractive thing that’s on birth control? What about Wendy (since looks really don’t matter all that much to him compared to most of us)? He’s the sanest, smartest, safest man around, but if he can lie and make excuses for the things he has, why not more things? Why not bigger things?

Well, I still doubt Tom S would cheat on me. Whores are a dime a dozen, but Tom S is one in a million. If he did take up with someone else occasionally, it’d be OK, it’s his body, so if it made him happy, OK. If he was a major slut who was stepping out on me left and right, that’d be different, but he’d have to die and come back a whole different person before he’d be that type.

I meant it when I said I was sick of the TV, too. I wake up to the TV, I eat to the TV, etc. Everything I do, I do to the sound of the TV and it gets really fucking old.

Unbelievably, I only have three more journals left to proofread.

Later…

It is so very dark outside right now. The sky’s moonless and cloudless.

The bitch is in bed next door. Gotta get up early. Tom said it was quiet today and that Bill was over there. What? Does this spoiled bitch not only have her poor dad mistake-sitting, but mistake-sitting when she goes out with her stuck-up girlfriends, too?

There are so many things my mind has accepted that are in the past. I’ve gotten over them and basically just put them in the past where they belong and gotten on with life. But it really bothers me that I can’t do that with my anger. It’s like I accept the fact that certain family members have wronged me and are not good people, but I can’t always let go of the anger that goes with all this. I’m not hurt, I’m not sorry, I’m not even regretful, I’m just angry. Not so much with family, as with other people, though. Mostly past and present neighbors.

For the first time in my 32 years, I’ve dealt with my parents and brother the proper way and the way I should’ve years ago. I spoke out and up to these people, then I let them go. So my anger’s been fused for the most part with them. It’s the people I never dealt with correctly that are pissing me off.

Take that bitch next door for example. I never should’ve let her get one word out to me. She had nothing to say to me. Nothing that could benefit the situation. I should’ve grabbed that bitch, clamped a hand to her mouth, and given her three ultimatums. To either walk away peacefully and get rid of the dog and music. Or to walk away peacefully and not get rid of the dog and music and have me get her evicted, or at least rid of the dog and music. Or to say another word and get her ass kicked by me right then and there. She was the problem. She and her boy toy. I did nothing wrong. How dare she come to this door telling me to shut up when it’s she and her associates that have disrupted my life. I don’t know why I let her scream at me. Maybe I was subconsciously afraid that if I did beat her ass she’d have someone come and shoot me and poor Tom, too. Well, lucky for her if she never comes to this door again, because she wouldn’t get a word out of that fat black mouth of hers, and you know what? There’d be no words coming out of my mouth, either. I’d just do what I had to do.

I think back to people like Mary D and ask myself why I didn’t push to fight harder. Why didn’t I try harder to fight her better? Why didn’t I set Hank’s ass straight the moment he stepped out of line on me? Why didn’t I fix his poor drunk ass? He was getting up there in age. I could’ve set him easily straight. Now because I didn’t, I’m left with the anger of what I didn’t finish and of what I didn’t do that I should’ve done. Maybe some other 21-year-old girl, who’s the naïve little sucker I was, is having to listen to his mouth. Maybe this girl wouldn’t have to put up with him if I’d dealt with him, because maybe if I had taken care of him, he’d now be too afraid to step out of line again.

I can think of a lot of people that pushed me around and it really angers me, infuriates me, to know that I never even tried to set these people straight. Yes, some of them would’ve kicked my ass and hurt me for it, but in a sense, it would’ve been worth it, because I would’ve at least tried to get them off my ass in the first place. Not all of these people could’ve hurt me if I’d nailed their asses. Most of them would’ve been no match for me and most of them would not have friends that would’ve shot me for it, either.

Barbara, at the NHA, had a lot of sick friends. Her sick friends would probably have gang-beaten me if I had done anything to Barbara, but maybe they wouldn’t have. Maybe Barbara would’ve kicked my ass if I tried to lay a hand on her, maybe not. I never even tried. I could never have known for sure what would’ve happened because I never even tried. There are some things we know in advance, then there are some things that we just can’t know for sure, till we do it.

OK, it’s just past 10:30 here, so why are the dogs barking? One of them is. Yes, one’s worse than the other. Again, how can this bitch sleep through that?! That dog is right outside her bedroom window for God’s sake! If she stuck her arm out the window, she could practically reach out and touch the fucking dog. She can sleep through this shit, though.

Andy gave me Michelle’s number and said she likes Mary and all those computer voices, so I can feel free to leave her messages with those voices. She’ll be out during regular business hours. My schedule’s a little off for that right now, but as soon as I’m up when she’s at work, I’ll leave her a few messages.

Later…

Where oh where is this ferocious appetite coming from?! I’ve been up for just six hours and since then I’ve had a TV dinner and a can of bean soup, and I’m still starving. Fuck! Is there ever an end to all this fucking hunger? I swear, it’s either be fat and full, or thin and hungry. Although technically, I’m far from thin. Maybe I should’ve just stayed on the cigarettes and not changed my eating habits. Here I am eating healthier and less than I have in a long time, and I gave up my 220-calorie granola bars, but yet I’m a blimp. If I could get my hands on an appetite suppressant that works and that wouldn’t cause me to wake up just a few hours after falling asleep, then maybe I could discipline myself and stick to this diet better, but since I’ve got this constant hunger, I can’t. There’s no in-between here and there’s no being thin and not hungry all time. Not anymore there isn’t. I need to eat at least once an hour, and I need solid foods. Not foods that are like air like popcorn and salad which don’t do shit for me and which leave me starving. I’m seriously contemplating eating when I’m hungry and letting myself get as fat as I’m going to get.

Later…

Just had a hot dog and now I’m making another TV dinner. I’m up to 118 pounds, too, but you know what? I don’t give a shit. I just don’t give a shit anymore. All this slavery over just a few pounds lost? Fuck that shit!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 1998 Shit! It’s the weekend. What else is new? At least I get more time with Tom. So, weekends are both good and bad.

Just caught Marla online and said hello. She said she’s tired, as usual, but will be in touch. The poor woman has no life between her boys and her job. Never even got the chance to tell me about jury duty.

I had Tom pick me up something new at the grocery store today. Feminine spray instead of powder. The spray is easier to use and it works really well so far at keeping me dry.

I wonder how Lisa’s doing. Hope we can chat soon. Also, hope Tammy’s not using her too much. As Lisa herself said, she doesn’t mind helping her mom out when she goes to work or to be with Mark by cleaning and babysitting, but sometimes her mom really uses her to be her housekeeper/babysitter. She used to do the same thing to me when we lived in Longmeadow. Especially with the housekeeping.

Later…

Tom picked up a few new things today. A skinny microphone on a stand that’s about 10” high in case we want to record whatever. A new mattress pad that may bunch up just as much as the other one does. And a new speakerphone with Caller ID built into it for the back room.

Soon I’m gonna get on with the last of my proofreading. I started up with that again last night and had Mary read to me.

I also condensed the backup floppy disks of my journals and a few other doc files. Instead of having, for example, a disk for all the Oswego Street journals, a disk for all the Woodside Terrace journals, a disk for all the Elm Street journals, and a disk for the Norwich journals, I put them all on one disk and now I have an “east” floppy. I pretty much cut my disks in half and have six disks now.

I think another thing I might do tonight is redo my color themes. I wasn’t happy with the way they came out the last time. Tom’s only making a screensaver and wallpaper changer. Not color theme changers, but that’s OK. I can set the themes myself and change them weekly.

Our lisping freeloader bitch that pronounces the word music as “muthic” has been a good girl today. Most of that was according to Tom since I didn’t get up till 4 PM.

I have mixed emotions about that security light being dead. Can’t believe she didn’t replace that bulb yet! It’s obnoxious as all hell when I’m trying to relax to music. I like to listen to music in the dark. It’s more relaxing that way. There’s nothing I can do about daylight, but I hated it when it’d be nice and peacefully dark at night, then that fucking thing would blare on every other 5 minutes. On the other hand, when someone would come or go at night, it’d let me see the car better since it’s activated by motion.

Been lucky in the shit department. I shit three days in a row. Lucky me.

It’s really beginning to make its transition from summer to fall here (of course our falls and springs don’t last long at all here). The pool is starting to cool down and the bees are starting to die off.

Later…

Maybe being bad once a week and having a cheeseburger and fries on Saturdays isn’t such a good idea. At the end of my day yesterday, right before I had the burger and fries, I was 115 pounds. I would’ve been 117 pounds if I hadn’t shit. Today, though, it’s not quite the end of my day, I’ve shit, and am 117 pounds. But I do deserve a break and a treat once a week, so I’ll probably keep treating myself once a week. I love how it kept me full for hours. When I’m dieting, though, right after I eat my salad, or my measly TV dinner, or toast, or popcorn, I’m still starving and if I’m satisfied, it’s only for an hour.

I had some spots earlier. What? Am I in for another early period? It isn’t due for another week.

I tested out the new phone and called Andy and oh my God! On and on and on he went. I couldn’t even get a word in edgewise, and when I could, he’d cut me off. Never was he like this back east. He was so quiet. I’d always feel like I was rambling on and on while he was quiet. He was quiet because he was uncomfortable with my rambling. Especially since my rambling back then was about what his rambling today is about. He had the same problems back then - he was broke, sexless, loveless, etc., but back then he didn’t really bitch about it and all hell would break loose if you did. Now, though, he’s more tolerant of listening to people’s troubles and he sure is a major talker. Still, I listen to Andy bitch, and as I told him, I’ll listen to him all he needs to bitch because I know what it’s like. At least he has someone to bitch to. Back when I always had something to bitch about, I didn’t have that. Not for the most part, anyway. No one wanted to hear it, or no one was there at all that I could turn to in the first place. I was on my own. All alone. My therapist was pretty much the only one who listened to me.

Anyway, I told him that now that we have Caller ID in the back room and the living room, he can just go ahead and call anytime, any day. This way, it won’t be such a hassle if I’m busy in the back room and don’t want to be bothered but can still see who it is. I also told him that the same rule would apply, though. Most of the time I’ll either be asleep or just not in the mood to talk. I’ll still chat live with him about once a week.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1998 No blue car visiting the bitch last night.

I’m doing some laundry right now, then it’s off to shower, wash my hair, and shave.

Tom crashed a little while ago and plans to get up towards the middle of my day (I got up at 3 PM) so we can have our Friday fun.

Later…

Blue car’s visiting the bitch right now.

Boy, am I gonna have to make up for the peace I’ve had over the last several months. Not even Caddy Kid has been by in a while. I don’t have any bad vibes in particular for the winter, but I know how it works with me and with most people; we must be compensated and we must pay for life’s blessings. If there’s no trouble with music and I don’t have to have them evicted, then I expect there’ll at least be several ball games. The neighborhood kids, including the Lopez’s, will play ball regularly. I’m sure that on weekends, the bitch’s gal pals will bring their mistakes over to play for me, too. I’m sure these mistakes will want to play ball on their own, but I’m also sure that they’ll be coaxed into it, too.

Thank God this bitch can’t have a pool put in.

Speaking of our infamous bitch, it just left in the blue car, but I couldn’t see who the driver was because I didn’t want to be seen. The bitch looked right at me, too. And that’s not the first time, she seemed to be looking right at me, either. It’s more like the third or fourth. At first I said to myself, I don’t care if they see me. I have a right to look at my window at anything I want, but then I said, nah. The purpose of spying is to be undercover. Also, if they saw you, then did something to the house for it, you know you’ll go over there and beat them beyond recognition, and you don’t need to go to jail or put yourself or Tom through any stress. Remember, these people are crazy. And if I did anything to them, no matter how much they deserved it, these sick fucks could gun me down. There’d be no defending myself against bullets.

This bitch really gets around, huh? So what will its weekend company be this time around? The dark blue car? The light blue car? The white car? Oh, definitely the white car. It seems to be the most prominent visitor around lately. Will it be cool enough for the mistakes to play ball? I kind of think it could be 120º and they’d still play ball if they really wanted to.

Later…

Haven’t seen Mama Cat around in ages. I don’t miss her, either. Daddy Cat still comes around here and there. It’s getting hard to tell Blackie and daddy cat apart, but daddy cat has long fur.

Woke up at 113 pounds Wednesday, 114 pounds yesterday, and 113 pounds today. At the end of the day, I jump up as high as 117 pounds. I knew I would, though, because weighing under 115 pounds is still new and completely foreign to my body. Guess I was right when I foresaw 118 pounds becoming a thing of the past. Not that I may not get up to that a few more times before I sink even lower. And remember, Vegas is gonna set me back. If I go to Vegas at 115 pounds, I can count on coming back at 120-124 pounds. My measurements just don’t go with my weight. At 115 pounds, I have a 29” waist, yet when I was around this same weight in 1986 I had a 26” waist. You definitely don’t look the same at certain weights at different ages. If I ever got back down to 100 pounds again, I wouldn’t look like I did the last time I weighed 100 pounds. I’d be an inch or two bigger.

Later…

I was watching a case of incest on Trial Story on Court TV. There were two daughters and one stepson charging their father with raping them 20 years earlier. The father ended up convicted. It was a jury of six women, though. Had it been men, he’d have gotten off.

I could sort of relate to what the victims were saying, even though the abuse I went through was emotional and physical. You can’t ever have your childhood back and you can never forget. Two of these three victims still love their father, too. How do I feel about my folks? Nothing. Just dead nothing. No love, no like, no hate. Like these victims said - they’re a closed chapter in my life. They were people I once knew, I had many more bad times with them than good, and now they’re in my past and I’m getting on with life.

I feel bad for these people, though. Just like with me, their childhood has affected their adult life, and when it’s not, you’re so busy struggling and working hard to keep it from affecting your adult life.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 1998 I don't believe it. Bill actually got in his car, shut the door once, then left. No 15-minute door-slamming spree leading up to the big leave. Meanwhile, the cock's on the street. Just brought its bitch back, and if things go as they did the last couple of evenings, the dark blue car will be here to visit the bitch for a few hours.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1998 Last early evening, we noticed that dark blue car parked next door as we were on our way out to pick up some videos. On our way back we went by their place and they had their front door open. God, these freeloaders really don’t mind the heat, huh? Bet they never run the AC. Bet they have the cooler on even when it’s humid out. Anyway, I thought I could make out an adult male blackie and a male child blackie of about 8 years of age sitting on a couch that faces their front door. Our front door faces the street. Theirs faces away from our house. You can’t see it from the street. It’s sideways.

The blue car’s here again tonight.

The original freeloader cock’s gray car was parked on the street earlier. Guess instead of bringing the mistake to daycare, or taking care of it all day itself, the cock now brings its bitch back at the end of the day.

You know, I’m surprised this bitch doesn’t have her own car. I mean, why not? She’s broken just about every other rule there is when it comes to welfare/subsidized.

The door slamming earlier was just like old times. I don’t know what the fuck Bill’s doing and why he has to slam a door every 5 minutes for 15 minutes upon coming and going, but it’s pissing me off. It’s really pissing me off.

Later…

Boy, this is a long visit from the blue car. I can tell when a car comes/goes from the freeloaders when listening to music at night. The headlights shine in in a way that I know is next door and not a car going down the street.

It’s taking an effort to push myself to write. I have a slight cold. It’s about the mildest cold I’ve ever had, though, and most of the time I’m not even aware of it. Tom’s going through the same thing right now. No wonder I’ve been sluggish. I had to have two meals yesterday and today to help boost my energy. I feel it in my voice too, and my voice doesn’t seem to be able to go below a middle E. My music sounds funny, too.

Unbelievably, there were no unavailable calls yesterday. There was only one today, but they hung up as soon as I picked up.

Typed up letters to Tammy and the girls. Yeah, I send them letters every now and then, since they don’t seem to want to do letters electronically.

Got 5 videos yesterday. Didn’t see that gorgeous girl there this time. Three of the movies I liked, one I didn’t, and one I discovered I’ve seen already.

Now for my best news of all. I woke up at 113 pounds!!

Later…

The wind chimes are so pretty when it’s windy.

Shortly after 9:00, the blue car left.

When I was chasing White Paws to the side of the house, I noticed something. There was a block wall in a part of the garage that Tom took down. He put the blocks at the side of the house. I noticed that about 5 of them were broken. There were broken pieces of these blocks. I wonder - could it be the freeloader’s doing? Well, if it is, more power to them. What the fuck do we care about some lousy bricks? Ain’t no loss to us.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 1998 I’m kind of tired today. I don’t think I slept quite 8 hours, but I’ll live.

When I got up at 9 AM, I found Tom asleep on the couch. I sent him into bed and on his way there, he said he left me a message explaining why he slept on the couch. He said that after my having a stressful day yesterday not knowing what to expect from next door, and since he’s really tired and will probably snore like hell, he’d give us a break while we were doing so well and sleep on the couch. That’s fine, as long as he doesn’t decide for me too much. I can decide what’d be best for me just fine. I want him to worry about himself more often.

Bill’s next door babysitting the mistake.

I made the window that this word processor is in smaller, so I can see the wallpaper changing behind it. It’s pretty cool.

I guess Tom and I are gonna go to the video store later. I don’t know for sure.

Some skanky Mexicans are doing the freeloaders’ yard and the yard across the street.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking of this fertility testing thing and all that. No, I do not want a child by any means as I used to. And it’s not so much the curiosity that’s an issue for me, either. It’s the right to choose that’s the issue. It’s kind of like the way I see abortion. First and foremost, people should be responsible and use birth control if they don’t want a kid or aren’t suitable for handling one, but since they don’t, at least a woman has a right to choose. It’s her body, her life.

I should’ve been born with just as much right as any other woman, but no, I never was born with a full bag of rights now, was I? It should’ve been up to me to say yes to a child like I would’ve been foolish enough to when I first met Tom up till about a year ago. And now it should be my right to say, nah. I don’t want a child. I like life too much and it’s something I could never handle. So, what kind of birth control should I use? The rhythm method? The rhythm method with rubbers used during mid-cycle? Rubbers all the time? Pills? IUDs? An injection?

Yes, it’s nice having a built-in, hassle-free birth control system, but still, it’s taking away my right to choose. I’ve been telling myself I don’t deserve the right to choose, because if I did, God would’ve given it to me in the first place, but that’s not true! That’s just not true! Yes, he feels I shouldn’t have the right to choose because he obviously doesn’t trust what my decision would’ve been a year ago, and yes, he’s looking out for me, but I am no less deserving than any other woman out there. I did nothing wrong to deserve to not have a right to choose just like any other woman. I do deserve to exercise my full rights as a woman. As a human being. If I had kicked some woman in the stomach and sterilized her and taken away her right to choose, then yes, I should have mine taken away too. If I had killed a child, then you bet I should be stripped of my reproduction rights, and I’d totally deserve it.

I try to tell myself, God was just doing the right thing and looking out for you by taking away your right to choose, because you know you’d have let yourself conceive if you could’ve, and therefore, you’d have gotten yourself into something you don’t have the physical or mental strength to endure, and you’d have either ended up dead or in jail for killing the poor, innocent child.

It’s not that easy, though. It’s just not that easy. Whether or not I choose to get into something I can or can’t handle should be my choice. Not God’s. It’s my problem if I bite off more than I can chew. I’m sick and tired of having God, fate, or whatever the fuck you want to call it, decide almost everything for me. Don’t I have some say in my destiny? First I couldn’t be the singer I wanted to be, then I couldn’t have the woman I wanted, then I couldn’t be a mother. Can Jodi be anything Jodi says she wants to be? Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the unplanned surprises I’ve received in my life have been wonderful and I wouldn’t trade them in for the world, but when does Jodi get to pick her destiny? See, I’m OK with not being able to move right now as much as we’d both love to. That’s because I know the choice is ours. We can choose to move, we have chosen to move, and when we can, we will move. If God fixed it so we had no choice but to stay in this house forever, then I’d be pissed. That would be wrong of him.

I guess it’s just a matter of opinion and where we each stand as individuals on different people and different situations. It’s easy to sit and listen to an infertile woman, regardless of her marital status or her financial status, that’s stable and able to handle a child, bitch about how she never got the right to choose, and that if having a kid was a mistake, it would’ve and should’ve been hers to make. But it’s not so easy to sit and listen to a 14-year-old who just had a kid say, hey! I made a mistake, but it was mine to make. That’s just not acceptable. It doesn’t cut it.

It’s not so much that I fear something up there would get me for going against its decision that I be sterile by going to a fertility clinic. It’s Tom. He’s just gonna keep on going along with my statements as to how normal our sex is, and he’s gonna both consciously and subconsciously fuck things up for me if I were to literally get off my ass and go try to seek some answers/rights. Normal? Our sex isn’t normal. It’s improved and I like it just fine the way it is, but even so, it’s not normal. We’re still managing to screw twice a week with him going inside me with no resistance, which is all good and normal, but he hasn’t cum in ages and I doubt he ever will again. Now, he’s welcome to never cum again if that’d make him happy, but that’s still not normal.

Maybe his refusal to cum wouldn’t be an issue, but I don’t know for sure. If they just started by testing me and found that the problem truly was with me, then he wouldn’t need testing, not that he would’ve gladly handed over a squirt of his cum in the first place. If they wanted to test us both at once, then I’m the only one they could test, since he wouldn’t cooperate. I asked him a long time ago and he says he would cooperate, but I’ve heard him say one thing and then do another enough times to know better.

Something tells me to keep my mouth shut, though. I don’t know why. I just know that at least for now, I must never make it known to Tom that I know he really hasn’t cum. Again, I don’t know why. It’s just instinct. I’m also curious to see how far he’ll take this lying about the cumming, too. I suppose it should worry me and make me wonder what else he could lie about, but it doesn’t. In his mind, he doesn’t need to lie about anything else, although if Kim came to visit, he’d have that jealousy all over again, and would lie and try to convince me that we ruined his life, made him oh so miserable, and nearly killed him.

The good thing about all this is, is that it’s not gonna affect my life in any bad way, hold me back, or keep me bitter forever. I’m very happy with my life despite my lack of right to choose and all that. I love my life and look forward to spending the rest of it with my husband and moving. I’ll probably never be thin again and we’ll probably never have an above-average income, but as long as we’re healthy and happy, that’s what counts. I thank God, or whatever may have had a part in the fact that I’ve never been more content with my life than I am now. I don’t miss the fits of rage that used to eat at me, nor do I miss the crying spells I went through. I hope to hell I never return to wanting a kid. That was really depressing, wanting something natural like that that I could never have.

Anyway, if I were to look at the whole thing from a rational, logical, realistic, practical point of view, I should forget about seeing any doctor about my so-called right to choose. There is no right to choose for me. I know they’d either not be able to tell me what was wrong, or that they’d tell me I was unfixable. I know I cannot be fixed. The purpose of being predestined to sterility is so you can never be fixed. The choice was taken away from me before I was even born.

Woke up at the usual 115 pounds, although Saturday’s treat and yesterday’s 400-calorie slice of pound cake, did catch up to me. I weighed 118½ pounds, but then after a water pill, I was 117 pounds, then 115 pounds when I got up. I’m gonna gain soooooo much weight in Vegas!

I finally shot some pictures of Ratsy. I hope they come out good.

From what it looks like after I just did a check, Tom hasn’t cum since around April 1st. Damn! That’s a long time. But actually, he has cum. Just not by me. Well, he knows I’m serious about not wanting a kid (along with the fears he’s always had) and won’t take any chances no matter how sure he is that I’m sterile. What a man, though! How many women could get such a wonderful man like that? One who’s willing to make such a sacrifice for her, and who could still be happy? I know he’ll never stray. He’ll always love me and me only, and if sacrificing orgasms for me is what he feels he should do, he’ll do it. He’d jump off a bridge for me, he loves me that much. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him, either, if I could.

Later…

Just got done relieving myself with a nice stimulating, yet relaxing orgasm with my vibrator. Yeah, my appetite’s come back. Tom’s not the only one that’s not getting off when we screw. He just can’t be available to get me off the 2-3 times a day I need to get off, and he can’t get me off in the way that I can. I know it sounds mean, but right now, I feel as if I may never get off again with him. There’s just no thrill in it for me anymore, as much as I love him. I wonder if his not getting off goes beyond pregnancy fears. He’s said otherwise, but could he really be sick of me and not turned on by me anymore? I don’t look like I did when we first met, yet he swears to be just as attracted to me. Well, I guess it doesn’t matter because he said that sex is a mental thing for him and that he’s not turned on by what he sees with his eyes.

I dig what someone said in a movie I saw last night. They said, “Sometimes sex is better with people in your head, than with people in your bed.”

I think this is true!

I can’t believe this. How utterly great. It’s already just past 4:00 and no unavailable calls. Maybe letting them have it was the answer after all. At first, it made them all the more determined to get at me, not surprisingly, but maybe they got sick of being told off and maybe they’ll fuck off at least if only for a while.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 1998 Although my vibe isn’t that bad right now, it’s still a bit early. If the freeloaders are gonna party, it’s gonna be closer towards the middle or late afternoon.

Later…

So far so good. My guess is that no one’s home right now. If she’d been home all day, then there’d have been a million cars coming and going all day. Probably to deliver the bitch’s drugs to her. It’s still early, though, and plenty of partying time left. Last year, they didn’t start their antics till 6:30 and they didn’t quit till 9:30.

Later…

I don’t believe it. I just don’t believe it! Miss Bitch was a good girl. Not a peep from over there. I was right about her being out all day. Bill brought her in around 5:00, and it’s been quiet ever since. Is it compliments of the cock being out of the picture that called for their first quiet Labor Day here? Or the city letters? Something else? Personally, I think it’s because the cock’s not around. They know they can party and annoy me in ways I couldn’t complain about. I can’t complain about ballgames and door slams.

That I know of, there’s only been music 3 different times, each for no more than a few minutes, since May 30th, and no parties since Easter.

Tom says there’s a new dumpster out back in its usual spot. That’s nice. This usual spot is just over the wall beyond the pool. Before, when it was gone, you had to walk either two houses left or right to get to a dumpster.

I love the proposal Tom made to me earlier. I don’t know if he’s serious, but we just might set up a little surveillance camera and train it on the freeloader’s driveway. He has an old black and white camera and said he can drill a little hole in the outside storage room and put it there. That’d be cool, but like I said, who knows if he’ll really do it?

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 1998 Again we slept together. I think he might’ve woken me up once when I was just knocking off, but so far, it’s going great. What did wake me up was the thunder from the storm at 7:30 this morning. As Tom pointed out, it’s making its transition from monsoon storms to fall storms, which are slower-moving, and come at any time during the day/night. Why couldn’t it pour viciously from about 2 PM on Monday, till about 9 PM?! Not a chance. Not a chance.

Congrats to the bitch next door! It actually went somewhere else two days in a row. It amazingly didn’t get back till approx. 10 PM last night. Can it do it again today and tomorrow? No chance, unfortunately. Well bitch, how bad do you want to stay here?

Anyway, today’s one of those yucky, dreary, damp days where you just want to stay in bed, but it’ll dry up and the sun will be out come prime bitch time this early afternoon.

Got two questions and one favor asked by Andy this last week. I already told you that he wanted me to teach him to type, but he’s gonna use the college typewriter. A few days ago he asked me how to ask, “What is your address?” in Spanish, which I told him. This time, he wanted to know how to ask are you cut? and are you uncut? As I told him, I don’t know slang. Even if I knew the word for cut, which I didn’t off the top of my head, they still may not know what the hell he’s saying.

How can Michelle afford to be so big? This I don’t get. It takes a tremendous amount of food to blow a body up like that. On the other hand, it wouldn’t take much food for me to get big. Not that big, though. It wouldn’t even take the average daily food intake to put me between the mid-120s - 150s. And this girl is no 150-pounder. She’s more like 250 pounds. So, when she had to move out of Andy’s because she was all broke, how was she affording to feed herself so much? You have to eat huge quantities all day and night long to get that big.

Andy’s told me that Laura has her own little built-in birth control system too, and we were talking about how many people don’t feel it’ll happen to them. Yeah, I know there have been couples who tried for years to conceive and couldn’t, then one day they did, but that really does only happen to other couples in my case, and in some women’s cases, thank God.

Later…

As I knew it would, the weather’s drying up nicely and the sun’s poking through.

The first of many vehicles just made it in next door. All I heard was one car door, then I looked out and saw a white car pulling out. Is the bitch in this car? Or did the white car just come to see the bitch? If the bitch has gone out, when will it be back? How many more cars are gonna show up over there today?

Woke up at 115 pounds, but today I’m gonna take a day off from the slavery that goes into keeping my weight at 115-117 pounds to have some KFC.

Later…

Right after I said the sun was poking through, it clouded up again, rained a bit, and thundered loudly for a while again. Guess it’s been cloudy all day.

At noon Tom went to Jack-n-the-Box for us both. I decided that once a week I’d be bad, so I had a cheeseburger, a large order of fries, and a cappuccino milkshake. Here’s the shocking part - I only gained half a pound from it! A half a pound! I thought this treat would put me up to 120 pounds for sure, rather than the usual 117 pounds I seem to end up at lately.

Not too long after I ate, I crashed till 4:00. When I got up, two recliners were here. Mary and Dave brought over two recliners. One’s got a massager in it like the living room one does, the other doesn’t. The massage one’s in the bedroom, the other’s in the music room. I didn’t see Mary and Dave, though. They just dropped the chairs off out back.

Pleasantly enough, there’s been no shit from the freeloader. Tom said the bitch has got her recycle bin out in the middle of the carport. Neither of us has seen any more vehicles come or go since I said I saw that white car just before 11:00 this morning. Now hopefully she can stay out till tonight, then do it all again tomorrow, but fat chance.

Yes, very fat chance, because guess what? It’s back now. The same white car that I saw earlier is there, but I don’t have a party vibe for tonight. What do I vibe for tomorrow? It’s weird because I have both a negative vibe, but then I don’t. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, but tonight should be clear. It’s cloudy and it’s thundering again. If they’re that determined to party, they will, and storms won’t stop them, but I think they prefer it to be hot and sunny. Anyway, I wouldn’t put it past that bitch to party tomorrow, because even though the cock’s not living there right now, she’s partied every Labor Day she’s been here, but like I said before, she didn’t have city complaints either. So, I guess if you really think about it, tomorrow could go either way.

Later…

The white car’s doing what all cars next door love to do - slamming its doors periodically but not going anywhere. When I peeked out, I saw the bitch, then I saw the animal running in circles around the driveway and screaming. That thing looks like such a freak. I mean a total clown! Its hair is done up in braids. Sort of like Bo Derek, only a pitiful version of that. I’d be so embarrassed if I were that kid.

Looks like the white car’s left now.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 1998 Well, our little freeloaders haven’t been downright naughty yet, but they’ve been annoying. And by the way, it’s our one-year anniversary since we had our little immature screaming match on my doorstep, too.

First of all, the bitch actually went somewhere else last night and today. Does she have to make such a door-slamming spectacle of it, though? Of course! The bitch got in last night at 11:30 and I saw two people head into the house for the night. Was this other person the teenage boy?

At around noon, the first of the door-slamming pals came. I guess something’s going on between her and her cronies somewhere. There were 2 or 3 cars here earlier. Can you believe that many cars came to pick up this bitch? An 8-10-year-old black boy started to play ball, but to my utter amazement, it only played for a sec. At first I thought, well, well, she does have to work Monday, so she’s having her party today. Then all the cars left.

At 1:15 I heard bass for about two minutes, and I swear! I’m gonna blast these mother-fuckers right back if this wasn’t just one of the occasional outbursts they’ve been having these days. It was a dark car that we’d never seen before. Tom thinks it was someone new in the group that came to see if she’d left yet. Well, this bitch better break the new kid on the block in on the rules around here real damn fast, or she’ll be sorry. Anyway, the dark car was only here for a couple of minutes. Tom says it’s no doubt someone new and she’s not there to know about the music. Well, this is only the third music outburst in months, I’ll admit, but it better be a very rare occurrence if they want to stay here.

It’s gonna be a door-slamming nightmare around here when they get back, and God only knows what music and ball games I’m in for. We’re talking 3-5 carloads of this bitch’s associates and their kids. If they’re coming and going like this on a Saturday, Monday’s gonna be hell. Let it be, though, because that’s all the more hell it’s gonna be for them. If they give me 10% hell, I’ll give them 100% hell back. Trust me.

The problem with these sick fucks is that they can slam doors, but not go anywhere. Can these people ever just get in a car and leave? Do they have to make such a door-slamming spectacle out of it first? Well, of course they do. Anything to be heard and noticed by me.

Later…

The 5 carloads of freeloaders haven’t returned yet. With my luck, they’ll come in while there’s still enough light out for ball games. I kind of feel them coming in at around 3:00 - 4:00.

Tom says it’s common out west for several relatives/friends to go to a house in several cars. He says out west, more people have cars because it’s spread out here. In the East, things are more centralized. I’d still like to know why it took 5 cars to come and get that bitch. Can’t just one car pull up, then can’t the bitch just open the door once, then get in, close the door, then leave?

Tom’s now at Ma’s house doing some tree trimming.

As a surprise (ma doesn’t know it yet) Johnny’s gonna be getting her one of those recliners that tilt to help people who can’t get up so easily. Guess we’re gonna be getting her old recliner. Another massage one like the one we have in the living room. I’ll throw it in the bedroom. God only knows there’s plenty of room in that big bedroom.

As for some better news, Tom came into bed after I was asleep and got up before I woke up and I never felt or heard a thing!

Later…

Wow! It’s 6:15 and the freeloaders aren’t back yet. Yeah well, stay out another hour or so, you stupid fucks, because then it’ll be rather difficult to see to shoot baskets in the dark.

Later…

Still not back yet. How shocking.

I went to bed at 115 pounds last night and woke up at 115 pounds, too. Now, I haven’t woken up at the same weight I went to bed at in ages. Yup. Something doesn’t want me under 115 pounds. Well, if this is it, and if I’m gonna bounce between 115-117 pounds for a while - fine. Although, Vegas is gonna put me back into the mid-120s. The question is, though, will it take me 8-9 months to get back to where I’m at now? What’s also helping to keep my weight between 115-117 pounds, of course, is the shitting only every other day. At least I’m regular, if not as frequently as I’d like.

Tom brought out the old, big washer and we washed the comforter. I’ll do it again around the New Year. Every 3 months I try to do it.

I’ve had fun testing out the new wallpaper changer program he wrote. So far, so good. I’ve got a mix of family pictures, journal covers, and pictures of Gloria and Norah.

Tom surprised me with yesterday’s sex. He did and he didn’t. I was surprised he let himself in there, but not surprised he didn’t cum. He seemed to be really close, though, then it seemed the room temperature went up 20º. He was sweating like hell. Unless he felt the need to act and act very well, I think he might’ve let go in cooler circumstances.

I’ve played Gloria’s new CD and have gotten to know more of it. Some songs kind of grow on me. Now there’s a total of 3 songs I like on Gloria’s new CD, but a total of 5 tracks I play. A couple of the songs have remixes of the same songs on other tracks. I like Don’t Release Me, and I Just Wanna Be Happy, but Feelin’ is my favorite. There’s a Spanish ballad I’d like to learn so I can sing it. Some of her songs aren’t great, but it’s how good they sound on my stereo! She uses state-of-the-art equipment, too, but my God! I could never imagine going back to my old stereo. I always used to say that as long as I could hear my music, and hear it loud, sound quality was not so important, but it is now.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 1998 The sun’s finally poking out. When I got up at 9:00, it was drizzling and very cloudy. The pool temp has really gone down. Hopefully, this notorious bee season is just about over. There are bees all year round here, but not like in the summer.

I think I may have found horoscopes to finish off journal 159 with that aren’t so work-related.

Woke up at 115 pounds, and shit twice. What? Am I gonna shit twice every other day, instead of once a day? Anyway, I’ll be between 115-118 pounds indefinitely.

Later…

Fuck! It’s gonna warm up and dry up over the holiday weekend. The weather will be perfect for a certain pack of assholes to make fools of themselves. It doesn’t matter, though. Even if it were pouring out, they’d still do their shit on Monday. Storms wouldn’t even stop them.

Later…

I just realized something. This is a serious long shot, but whatever it is that that bitch is doing during the weekdays, is something it wasn’t doing a year ago. So maybe, just maybe, she’s one of the ones that have to work on Labor Day. I highly doubt it, though, and even if she did, she gets home at 4:00-5:00. That still leaves a few good hours for partying. Even if she had to be gone from Monday morning to late Monday night, she’d just move her little party to Saturday or Sunday.

Later…

Tom just got in and we bought a couple of pay-per-view movies off the Direct TV.

I also had him put the handle back on the music room window. These old, shitty windows don’t slide up and down. You wind the handle to push them outward. However, we couldn’t lay the soundproof panels on the narrow windowsill with the handle there, so Tom had taken it off. Now come Monday, I can really join the party next door and give them a taste of their own medicine by blaring some music out the window. The only problem with that, though, is that Tom will be here, and he’ll be thoroughly against it. He doesn’t believe in fighting back by giving what you get. Well, if I don’t blast them out during their Monday party, I’ll just get them in the middle of the night.

Later…

Tom got me a few bags of different salad mixes. Some have just lettuce, some have lettuce, carrots, and cabbage slivers, and some have broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. The broccoli and cauliflower are great. I love the broccoli heated up with melted butter, and I love the cauliflower dunked in ranch dressing.

I am not looking forward to tonight. I know I’m in for some serious game-playing due to a certain someone who loves to tease and who has deep-seated fears. The way he was acting earlier was a dead giveaway as to what the sex will be like tonight.

Yeah, you guessed it. I’m mid-cycle.

Now, I know I don’t have to pray to God to do right by me when it comes to a kid. I don’t have to beg him to make sure I don’t conceive. It’s a done deal. What I have to pray for, though, is for God to help Tom get over his fears and his need to play games. Well, maybe I’ll just wish I could pray for this because I know doing so will never do a bit of good. Only Tom, with God’s allowing it, can change his ways.

Nonetheless, just the unusually high amount of talk about how I’m so gorgeous (which is a lame attempt on his part to cover for the truth - his love of teasing me/his baby fears), along with certain comments and attitudes, tells me that he’s more than likely gonna refuse to go inside me tonight. I’ll bet you anything that this will be one of the times he’s in the bathroom for a while before we get together. He doesn’t always go to the bathroom before sex, but he usually does. If he does tonight, though, that’ll kind of strengthen my belief as to why he really goes into the bathroom before sex. He’s gonna go and beat it off so that he’ll be pleasantly spent when it comes time to play his games with me because he gets off on that, and because he’s too stubborn to admit his fears to me, too.

He went to bed a little while ago and it’s just about 4 PM now. He wants me to wake him up in 4-5 hours for sex, then we can go back to bed together, he says, to work on our little test some more. He’s suddenly all the more anxious to work on our sleeping together test. See, I won’t be crashing till 11 PM-1 AM. This way, if he breaks up his sleep, we can overlap our sleeping a bit. Then he says he’ll get up a few hours after I’ve crashed so he can have time alone to finish my program. He said it may have a million bugs in it, but at least I can begin testing it out. He’s a great programmer, but my vibes say yes, it’ll have its share of bugs.

Also, Tom will be going to work at 7:30 on Monday evening. So he’ll be leaving in the middle of the party.

One more thing - I asked him how the hell he could screw after just a few hours of sleep and said something like, “You’re not even gonna be able to get in there, let alone go banging away.”

His response was, “Well, if you have it in your head that that’s the way it’ll be, it will.”

I shouldn’t have said that because now he’ll use that as an excuse to make sex a disaster. I just want to have fun. I don’t want to play games, I don’t want to make excuses, he’s welcome to never cum again, but I don’t want lies and games.

Later…

What the fuck are these weird mother-fucking freeloaders doing now? Is the bitch’s dad trying to take the place of her boy toy’s door slamming? She and her dad, who’s like an old version of Bill Cosby, just packed some shit into his Caddy, or whatever the fuck the silver car is, then split. Since it’s just wishful thinking that she’s going away for the holiday weekend, is the cock gonna bring its bitch back later, or what?

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1998 Woke up at 115 pounds today. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.

Yesterday, Tom and I ended up going to a video store where we got the new movie Titanic, plus 3 movies I picked out, and two he picked out. I liked all but one of the movies I picked out, but the Titanic - wow! It will make you cry for sure. It’s so sad and so scary. It really makes you hate God, too, for allowing such tragedy. The most terrifying part was when a part of the big ship turned straight upright. Some people held onto railings and stuff like that, but some fell downward and, on their way down, they’d hit things and bounce off of things. It totally brought me back to my jump, because I went down like that. I fell for a while, then flipped off an awning, then continued falling. It was also really creepy how one of the rowboats some of the people got into after the ship sunk, went gliding through tons of dead bodies just floating about.

At the video store, there was this really hot girl. Totally my type. Tall, thin, dark, etc. She had a plain face overall, but her black eyes and black hair were gorgeous. Her hair was a couple of inches from the crack of her ass. Even though she was casually dressed in a black, sleeveless shirt and jeans, and even though her body wasn’t femininely curvy, she looked great. Her boyish shape sort of reminded me of Brenda, but this one wasn’t bone thin.

We also went to that used bookstore. He got a magazine, and due to my building credit, I got 13 books for $12.50.

Later…

As figured, I haven’t shit today. My body’s just doing what it has to do to keep from falling under 115 pounds, I guess, since my body’s not comfortable at a lower weight these days. Not as a middle-aged non-smoker, it isn’t.

I knew this would happen. I just knew it would. One of my vibrators is started to crap out on me. I totally depend on these things. They don’t have screwy schedules, they don’t get irritation, they don’t get tired, sick, sore, or hurt. They’re all I can depend on sexually, and to tell you the truth - they’re better than the real thing. The real thing has too many problems and just doesn’t usually hit your most sensitive spots just right. With the vibrators, though, you’re in control. You hit it just right and just where you want it. It has no fears, no desire to tease or play games. It does what you want. Anyway, Tom said it was just a faulty contact, but that he can fix it if it acts up. I can use it as long as I hold it a certain way. This is the one I keep in the bedroom. I have the other one in the bathroom.

If there’s ever a time when Tom may play games (not let himself inside me) it’ll be tomorrow. That’s the closest I’ll be to mid-cycle on one of our scheduled sex days (he never wants me on the days we haven’t agreed to get together). Maybe he will let himself in there, maybe he won’t, but he sure as hell won’t cum. But that’s good, though, what with the way he’s so easy. Also, I’d bet my life on the fact that he too, prefers to take care of himself. I’m not the greatest in bed, I admit, and when he’s doing himself, he doesn’t have to risk the 5% chance of making a kid, since he’s only 95% sure I’m sterile.

I appreciate his being easy, and his keeping the sheets nice and dry, but I don’t like the lying. Again, I deliberately asked, how he knew the sex would someday be normal. Where he should’ve said, “It’s not because you rarely get off, and I practically never get off,” he said, “I can do anything if you give me enough time.”

Oh. It’s nice to know he needed “time” to be able to get off by his own wife in the first place. Nonetheless, he said what I suspected he’d say and flunked my little test.

Later…

It’s a quarter after 6:00 and at 6:00 I noticed the cock’s car out on the street in front of the bitch’s. It’s still there now, too, and it appears that he’s bringing the bitch home in the afternoons. If that’s the case, then that proves Tom’s theory right. He did move out because of us. Not because they’re fighting. But why are they being so cool about it? Are they biding their time, or what? In fact, I thought it was her come to talk to me about it at 6:00 when the doorbell rang (that’s how I first discovered it was parked on the street). I looked out the window and saw what I thought was the bitch next door. Dying of curiosity as to why this bitch would have the nerve to come to my door, I opened up. It was a Spanish girl, though, of about 13 years old (the bitch is so skinny and barely taller than me, that she looks like a kid when you can’t see her clearly) selling junk food.

Anyway, I know it’s still just a matter of months before that cock comes back, but guess what? As soon as it comes back - it’s outa here.

I’m a pound heavier today than yesterday. Yesterday I shit and was 116 pounds at the end of my day. Today I didn’t shit and am now 117 pounds. I also only had about 800 calories today and walked 20 minutes. I’ll definitely stay right where I am if I keep on shitting only every other day, that’s for sure, but at least I’m not gaining.

Later…

The freeloader has quietly left. Didn’t even hear a car door.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 1998 Just did the bathroom, dusted, vacuumed, and did a little rearranging.

As I was going through my jewelry, I came across a gold band with clusters of tiny diamonds. I can use it as a wedding ring since I’m too big for my original gold band. In fact, this is kind of big on me.

I was so sure I’d awake at just below 115 pounds, but nope. I was a smidgen over 115 pounds since I didn’t shit yesterday. I made up for lost time and shit twice today, which means I really won’t shit tomorrow. If something’s not determined to keep me from falling under 115 pounds, then my middle name’s not Lin.

I called Tammy yesterday to ask about the girl’s first day of school. She said it went well and that they like their teachers and classmates.

Later…

Today I washed and hung out sheets and the tablecloth.

Oh, am I dreading this Labor Day! I know there’s gonna be ball games if not music. They know I can’t complain to the city about ball games. I don’t know what my schedule will be then, but maybe I’ll be at Ma’s house helping Tom while we sweat our asses off. There’s no AC there, and the cooler’s broken. Anyway, with Ma paying for it, of course, he’s gonna get the city to bring over a dumpster so he can dump the remaining stuff. All the stuff that people wanted is out of there. What’s left is junk. It’s $200 for the city to give you a dumpster to fill up that they’ll haul away. He might also rent a truck that he’ll fill and then haul to the dump. We’re in a better part of the city when it comes to big bulky things, like old pieces of furniture, for example. We have alleys here where our dumpsters are, and periodically, they’ll haul away big stuff if you stick it out there. Ma doesn’t have an alley, though, so she has to bring her big stuff to the dump herself.

I was surprised, but pleased, that yesterday I only got one sales call. The day before, there were none.

I knew it was just a matter of time before Andy would be asking for a favor, and just like most favors he asks of me, it’s useless. He leaves me this message all anxious to get over here for me to give him a crash course in typing. I know this is just another one of the many things he thinks he’s gonna get into, but he’s all talk and no action. Anyway, in my message to him I told him that if he’s serious this time about learning to type well, there’s really nothing I can do for him because it’s all a matter of him getting a feel for the keys himself and remembering. Just like you remember the fingering for certain chords on the keyboard, well, this is the same thing. No one can do the work for him. He has to practice and learn for himself, so I recommended he go to a pawn shop and pick up a cheap typewriter.

Now for the results of last night’s sleeping together in the bed test. It went well, and I think I only woke up once when he pulled on the covers. I could feel the covers gliding over me. I don’t remember hearing his alarm go off or feeling him get up and leave the room. Hopefully, I can continue to adjust and hopefully we can sleep together fairly regularly enough, except for when I have appointments.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 1998 The black bastard is a free soul after all. It dropped its bitch off yesterday at 4 PM. Shortly after, the bitch’s daddy left.

Woke up at 115 today. Of course, I won’t shit today and will be close to 120 by the end of the day. Since there’s an excellent chance we’ll be hitting Vegas this month, I’m not gonna worry too much about how I eat, because if eating so little can put 4 pounds on me, imagine how much Vegas will put on me! I’m gonna have to start all over when I get back because I’ll be coming back in the mid-120s. Maybe higher.

Later…

Same scenario today - the blue car picked up the bitch - the bitch’s dad is kid-sitting.

I’m getting more and more nervous as we approach the 7th. Well, we’ll see just how bad miss bitch wants to stick around here. I’m sure she’d rather not get evicted, but if so, it wouldn’t be the end of the world for her. I’m sure her dad or some other relative or friend that she’s got wrapped around her finger would squeeze her and her kid into wherever they lived. This bitch just can’t go anywhere. Everyone has to come over here for the holidays. The bitch is probably one of the few within her sick clan that has a house, but I’m sure the bitch doesn’t want to go anywhere. Why would she want to go somewhere else when she knows she can invite me to the party too? She’d never not want to include me.

It used to be that she’d go elsewhere for Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, but last Easter, they made a scene here. Does that mean they’ll even stick around for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year?

Yesterday turned out to be a nightmare as far as my allergies went from 7:30 till when I went to bed at 6:00. It just went on and on and on all fucking day. Tom got up after I went to bed and left me a message that I got when I got up this morning saying that he thinks it’s the different brand of sawdust that I used for the mice because it was bothering him. Well, I intend to throw the rest of the stuff out, but if that’s it, then why didn’t my allergies flare up when I put it in the rat’s cage a few days ago? And why haven’t I sneezed at all today? Besides, my allergies went off before I even emptied out the old sawdust, let alone put the new sawdust into the cages.

All I know is that I’m sick of these allergy attacks that I seem to have once or twice a week and sometimes more. Will there ever be an end to them? Now that I don’t have asthma attacks, I gotta have allergy attacks, right God? Well, better to sneeze than wheeze, I guess, but this is still bad enough and I’m really fucking sick of it!

Evie mailed us some family pictures. I wasn’t there that day to be in these pictures, but anyway, they consisted of Tom, Mary, Ray, Steven, Dave, David, Evie, Nickolena, Parker, Mike, Carol, Matt, Ryan, and Mom. She sent a couple of duplicates that I’ll send Tammy so she can see what some of these people look like.

Later…

Fortunately, Melanie didn’t kill me today. I was in and out fast. I didn’t get to get my molar filled because the doctor went home sick, so I’ll be having that done the next time I see Melanie on the 14th. This time, I get to get filled first, yanked second, but I’m gonna be in there for a while. She’s gonna move the bracket on the tooth, so between the filling and the moving of the bracket, it’ll be a long drag.

Melanie still turns me on, but not as much as she initially did. She had her hair swept straight back. I don’t like it as much that way. It’s always nice to see her, though, and I got to have her all to myself.

Afterward, Tom and I stopped at Abco’s. He needed Slim-Fast shakes and hot dogs, and I needed Tic-Tacs, gum, and salad. This time I got Verona salad and an oriental salad.

Here’s something weird - yesterday I wasn’t stuck, ate very little, but gained 4 pounds towards the end of my day. Today I’m stuck, ate a little more, but only gained 1½ pounds throughout the day. Weird.

[austincharcoal]

OCTOBER 2023 MEDITATION LOG

this was inspired by an assignment in my english 101 class. it prompted us to watch/read some mainstream articles/vids about meditation and try meditating for 3 days in a row, then write about it.

Fri, Sep 29    1:05am           Watched the Light Watkins TedX video. Interest was piqued when he said that meditation brings a deeper rest than is possible in sleep. Then he went on and on about the difference in biological age when you meditate. Excited to try more rigorous meditation schedule. Meditated 1:35-1:45am, was really nice. Came close to falling asleep a couple times, I am very tired. Felt grateful to be living in the city hearing rain sounds on the street.

Sat, Sep 30   9:01pm           Took a break from anatomy notes & electronic music to meditate 10 mins. Had a hard time keeping my mind off [redacted]. The things that were difficult then would be easier now that I’ve matured and relaxed a bit. But [redacted].

Sun, Oct 1     10:38am        Tried to do 10 min meditation during AA meeting but had to poop after like 4 mins. Did 10 full mins after meeting ended. It’s easier in the mornings, but I can feel I have lost the groove to a large degree. Still, morning meditation is simpler. By the evening my brain is usually in full pleasure-seeking mode. Mornings I’m usually reeling a bit from soreness and stiffness.

Mon, Oct 2    8:45pm           Did 10 mins sitting up. It’s wild how my body is aware that it’s tired but my mind ignores it, until I try to meditate sitting up and have to fight off sleep over and over. Maybe I should turn in early tonight. When I was awake, I was releasing thoughts about food and women, as usual. Laughed a bit to myself remembering how excited [redacted] was to find the “hidden veggies” pasta recipe on TikTok.

Tue, Oct 3     1:19pm           Late start today. Brewed coffee then laid down to meditate before drinking it. Lot of sexy thoughts bouncing around! Hard to bring my racing mind down today. Probably because I didn’t sleep well. This is somehow becoming both a mediation and a sleep log.

Wed, Oct 4    9:40am           10 min meditation during morning meeting.

Thu, Oct 5     12:28pm        Had been sinking into phone-greyout, scrolling haze, absolute oblivion, and needed a break. 10 min meditation was the only thing that could work. Counted breaths for most of the 10 mins, after english prof. explained during class that counting breaths is the important part of '20 breaths' meditation. It def helped during 10 min meditation. Leg pain was distracting so toward the end started stretching a bit. Feel refreshed and ready to sit down for some studying before work.

Fri, Oct 6        11:52am         Watched the Andy Puddicombe Ted Talk. I liked his analogy about knowing you have a loose tooth and continuing to mess with it even though you’re in pain. Meditated for 10 mins. Feel less overwhelmed about how many things I need to do this afternoon. I’m calmer and more apt to work through them in an organized manner without resorting to distractions. Thought about what to say to [redacted], thought about doing dishes and stretching and listening to new Drake album and taking anatomy notes and making a doctor’s appointment. Tried to recenter and focus on breaths a few times.

Sat, Oct 7      10:30am        Meditated during morning meeting.

Sun, Oct 8     9:51am           Meditated during morning meeting. Thought about my plans for the day (going to NYC to have dinner with my aunt), thought about my mom and my grandma, thought about the family counselor Dr. Prakash who taught me to meditate in 4th grade. Used breath counting to help 'let go' of thoughts and return to quiet mind.

Mon, Oct 9    9:50am           Meditated during morning meeting but was kinda drifting in and out of sleep.

                        8:45pm           Went to [redacted]. It got kinda intense but [redacted]. Decided to decompress by meditating together for 10 minutes. It was beautiful and memorable.

Tue, Oct 10   2:10pm           Read ½ of NYT meditation article then set 10 min timer to meditate. Lots of thoughts running through my head, I can be so obsessive about personal stuff. Was good to have a break from that, even though I didn’t really want the break, I wanted to keep obsessing. Post-break though, I feel better. Body is really sore since I’ve gotten 17k steps, two days in a row. So before the 10 mins were up I got out of my chair and started doing some stretches with eyes closed. Love combining stretches and closed eye meditation. Definitely feel better now, and my 'mindfulness muscle' is getting a tiny bit stronger each day. I find it easier to return to the centered calmness of counting breaths.

Wed, Oct 11                          Didn’t meditate

Thu, Oct 12   10:47am        Meditated 10 mins after morning meeting. Really out of the groove today but tried to just count 100 breaths. Thought about chopping wood for work, about sex, about being messy in romantic relationships, about stretching after meditation, about the kid in my math class who seems to be following along better than anyone else.

Fri, Oct 13                             Didn’t meditate

Sat, Oct 14    9:45am           Meditated during morning meeting.

Sun, Oct 15   2:01pm           Took a break from studying anatomy to meditate. Was sort of fighting off sleep part of the time. Said simple prayers to ask for God’s will to be done, and to discover what that will is. Prayed also for a loving and generous spirit in my heart.

Mon, Oct 16  11:00pm         Meditated 10 mins after looking at Twitter/Reddit for ~3 hours. I think I need to try 15 or 20 minute meditations because sometimes I find myself totally distracted and overstimulated for more than half of a 10 minute meditation. That was the case this time. At some points I opened my eyes and just stared at the wall to keep from thinking about downtown Montreal, or applying to a Master’s program in 5 years, or how I had a bad attitude at work the other day.

Tue, Oct 17   12:14pm        Been feeling emotionally unhinged lately, lowkey lashing out at people. Trying to redirect. Meditation is a good starting place. Meditated 10 minutes and had to stop myself over and over from planning out my day. How much time will I spend in the restaurant working on prep? How much time on schoolwork? Will I have time to pick up a cleaning project? Could I meditate for 10 minutes on the clock? Who will I see there and what will the vibe be when I talk to them? Used breath counting to reel in some of the thoughts. Asked God for help. I have a long way to go toward being centered, organized, disciplined. Please, God, help me make some progress today.

Wed, Oct 18                          Didn’t meditate

Thu, Oct 19   10:30am        Meditated in morning meeting. Feel at peace with my life, with who I am and where I’m at, with my propensity for anxiety, for mistakes, for seeing things through a distorted lens. I’m gonna keep learning and I’m gonna be okay.

Fri, Oct 20     10:30am        Meditated in morning meeting. Had trouble staying quiet mentally. In the meeting we talked about the 'confusion' that exists without a spiritual connection. Thought about how meditation and confusion are like exact opposites. Lot of confusion and noise for me lately. Meditation must be one of the main solutions. Not just meditation but a meditation practice. Prayer as well, I need more of that. Talked about meditation with my sponsor later. He recommended I try the 'toes-to-head' meditation.

Sat, Oct 21    9:00am           Made coffee then meditated for 10 mins before meeting.

                        9:45am           Meditated for 10 mins in morning meeting. It felt good to get more time in. Would like to do one longer session but 10x2 was easy and felt very calming.

Sun, Oct 22   9:30am           Set a timer and laid on yoga mat to meditate for 10 minutes. Said a prayer for my mom and grandma, who are going through a difficult time. Had to keep returning to baseline as I kept fantasizing about sex with [redacted], who I’ve been texting. Sex is a constant refrain for my tired brain, I think I’m subconsciously convinced that there’s some simple relief there. But intellectually I know it’s never that simple, relationships are complicated and usually come with more stress than being single. Important to talk myself down from these underlying desires.

Mon, Oct 23                          Didn’t meditate. Busy day, but I think I need to start finding more time. It’s possible to replace some of my phone-scrolling time with meditation every day, sometimes I just don’t do it. This log is helping me stay accountable and showing me what I need to change to meditate more.

Tue, Oct 24   12:45pm        Meditated 10 mins laying on yoga mat. Was really able to start calm with deep breaths, maybe because I was laying down. Often I start with a hectic mind and try to calm it for the first 5 mins.

Wed, Oct 25  10:30am        Didn’t meditate? Can’t remember

Thu, Oct 26   11:45am         Meditated 10 mins. Sick with a cold, hopefully not worse. Did not want to meditate but do feel a bit better

Fri, Oct 27     9:48pm           Meditated 8 mins. Got antsy during the last two. Feeling very baby because the cold is actually a flu or something. Lots of schoolwork to do before tomorrow night. Trying to stay calm and not get overwhelmed.

Sat, Oct 28    8:15pm           Meditated 10 mins which led to me napping for another 30. Very ill but still going to work and studying. Sad!

Sun, Oct 29                           Did not meditate. Walked for 2 hours listening to an old interview with Brad Phillips, he talked a lot about 12 step program, psychedelic drug experiences, Zen vs. Tibetan Buddhism. Helpful for pondering meditation and how to consider it in my life.

Mon, Oct 30  10:45am        Meditated 10 mins after morning meeting. Health is improving slightly. Trying to spend the day doing work, chores, service to others, or meditative things like prayer, listening to spiritual talks, walking. Trying to leave alone the chaotic, noisy things that are really perpetuating my discomfort and dissatisfaction.

Tue, Oct 31   2:03pm           Meditated 10 mins after writing for English class, before going for a walk and calling my sponsor. Turns out I had covid. At least it's almost over. Same with October. What's next.

[baddfemmeshe]

Manifesting Success story #006

Back with another success story in less than 24 hours

It’s the first of the month so you know bills but I’m happy to pay them. So my rent was almost $200 more than what I was expecting and when I got the notification, instead of reacting to the 3D, I just told myself “okay, I have two days to make some shit happen, let’s get it done”.

30 minutes later my mom calls, which is weird because she normally just texts, but I just went with it. I answered the phone thinking she needed me to help her with something but she was calling to check on me to see if I was okay. Another weird moment because she’s someone who will just wait for you to tell her what’s wrong. So I told her that I’m a little overwhelmed because my rent was more than what I expected but I’ll have it covered before the weekend. I actually had majority of the difference, was just short $50. So I told her I’m short that amount and she said why didn’t I say anything?

Note: I NEVER ask for help because I always find a way

She said, well I’ll just send you $200 because you never ask for anything. More than what I was expecting tbh. She then asked do I have gas in my car? Like what, my gas light literally just came on 🤣. But I was going to put gas in there anyway. So her solution is that since she gets gas cards through her company, every Sunday she’ll fill my tank up for the week.

Like..

Look at my manifestations working. I’m celebrating the little wins because that means the big ones are always around the corner.

Not to mention, I had a meeting today and was running late, they emailed me before the meeting even started and said we have to start an hour later today. Like WTF, y’all are showing out now ☺️

And then because I’ve been busy ALL DAY, my ex randomly texted me and asked if I wanted him to bring me something to eat. Like damn, I was just saying I need to eat something and here you are. And boom, he rang the doorbell and brought me my fave.

These little wins are just reminding me to stay positive

Oh, I forgot one…

I randomly applied to start my own business where I do contract work for banks doing customer service. Didn’t think I would even get any opportunities yet but 24 hours after applying, they sent an email and approved me to work customer service for a big credit card company. And the best part is that I create my own schedule and only have to work a minimum of 20 hours per week plus I get paid every week

Receipts 🧾 (because you know I have those)

I’M A MANIFESTING QUEEN

[serial-experiments-elaine]

Living day to day full of anxiety and self awareness, today was a horrible day for me. I was being inducted into the NHS and had a youth equity committee meeting scheduled on the same day. So that was miserable. Before I even get to the school my hair isn’t up to par and the car window is iced over and you gotta have the car window with no ice because you’ve gotta pick up the guy that lives in your neighborhood who is also on thin ice with you. So I was going through the day extremely nervous with no idea if everything was going to go just right after school, which made me feel like I was going to throw up in my covid mask all day. I had been feeling this way for a long time, completely out of control. At this point of humanity I couldn’t think of a single person who actually controlled their lives. So I finally made it to just the practice for the induction ceremony which I’m really hoping doesn’t last long because if it lasts too long I can’t get home sooner and if I can’t get home sooner I won’t be able to join the youth equity committee meeting quickly enough, which will make me feel miserable. I mostly just sat around in the auditorium and only actually practiced for five minutes yet could only leave at 5:20. Meanwhile the committee meeting started at 5:30 and I had to get back for the actual ceremony at… wait did they say 6? Or 6:30? I’ll assume 6:30 because getting home at 5:40 I would never be able to make it in time. I joined the committee meeting late with a broken microphone and the google meet didn’t even work on top of that all while I’m taking my pants off and changing into the best thanksgiving outfit a mother could ask for. I then left the house at around 6:05, a perfect time to get to the induction ceremony! As to not be late I got out of the drive way quickly and played the first blaring jazz album I could find. My hands were shaking and I still felt queasy while driving. At least there isn’t much that could go wrong on a dark rural Virginia road for an inexperienced driver in a hurry.

I was driving on that night road, just coming across the bridge which just has to be vulnerable to climate change, when I see it standing at the wall of the woods. It’s only a shadowy figure at the perimeter of the road but right when I get closer it starts running across the road and into my headlights. It was the most precious beagle I had seen in a long time. Only a few feet from the speeding hood of my car. I reacted just fast enough! By the skin of my wheels the dog could live another day, but that amount of stress was my breaking point, I was shattered. Sure it was fine now but I was only two cute beagles away from having Fido on the windshield. My hands were gripped to the wheels and my words were a little less restrained for the rest of the drive. The only real way to express yourself while driving because yet again I was out of control. I finally made it to the school at 6:25, just in time and five minutes to spare! Maybe this won’t go so horribly. So I started walking in and I noticed that there were no highschoolers in the parking lot, that’s a little odd I thought. That’s when I walk into the school and see something somehow even more devastating than a beagle in headlights, all the inductees were already going into the auditorium without me. For a split second I considered just walking away and sitting in the car for a bit. I can’t give up yet though, I came this far so I might as well just stick it out and walk with the rest. So I got to the very end of the line and a kind soul gave me the speech that they never discussed at practice. I had to run to my prepared spot at the front and had the severe awareness that everyone in the room either could see me or were watching me. Then I lost even more of my control, the pledge was being recited and I spit out the last bit of choice I felt and recited it with the rest. I was scared that some old person or NHsquare would see me sitting and get outraged with honor.

Great eye opening things happened after this, some of the most uplifting speeches I had heard. Not really because of what they said, I mean sure they were well written I could tell it took them some time to come up with. More uplifting because of the inherent chaos of the world it revealed. Microphones malfunctioning and candles not lighting all with the comedic back drop of honor and character. That’s when I really reassessed what I was judging myself so much for what I was freaking out about upholding. Why am I so invested in how I look or being a good or valuable person. It seems like every single person I’m taught to view as a role model is actually a scum bag. Billionaires, presidents, warriors, leaders, those are all the things I was raised to resemble. Yet all our presidents are either milquetoast stand-for-nothings or scoundrels, or slavers. The billionaires are thiefs, warriors are murderers, and leaders always have something to hide. If the most powerful people in the world are good for nothing, then really I’m not doing too bad. So I took a new perspective on life, it’s all chaotic nobody is in control and the ones that are have no idea what they are doing. So I can finally relax and embrace chaos, just treat my partners on the lifeboat with kindness as we dive into the whirlpool of the 21st century.

[chvnnie]

Payback

han jisung x fem reader

word count: 3k

genre: smut - MINORS DNI

warnings: established relationship, sexting, unprotected sex (fun to read, not fun to do - pls wrap it), use of “good girl”, degradation (use of “slut” and “cockslut”), spit kink, slapping (only once), face fucking, dirty talk, overuse of the word cock (i’m so sorry lmao), squirting, sliggggght over stimulation, mentions of aftercare, mentions of weed (firm believer in stoner jisung). if i missed anything, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

summary: jisung never liked to play fair, so why should you?

a/n: this is my first fic on tumblr! i’m so excited for you guys to read it. pls help my blog grow by sending feedback, liking, and reblogging. thank you so much <3

this is a work of fiction. this fic in no way represents kim seungmin as a person, or stray kids as a whole. you are responsible for the media you consume. please read responsibly.

You were frustrated.

So. Incredibly. Frustrated.

The morning started off like any regular Wednesday. You woke up around 8:00, gave your sleeping boyfriend a forehead kiss, made some tea, and settled into your home office for the day. Once you got yourself situated, you opened your planner to make sure you’re on schedule.

9:00: new client zoom call

10:30: returning client zoom call

11:00: play catch up on any work you might have missed this week

12:30: weekly staff meeting

Just a normal Wednesday.

Around 11:45, Jisung snuck into your office with a glass of water and an orange.

“Thought you could use a little pre-lunch snack.” He said, replacing the empty tea mug with the new glass.

You smiled and plucked the orange out of his hand. “I was feeling a bit snacky. Thank you.” You smiled up at him.

Jisung rested one hand on the table and one on the back of your chair, caging you in and leaning down to kiss you. You smiled into the kiss, using your free hand to grab his shirt and pull him closer. He chuckled against your lips and deepened the kiss, using his tongue to beg for entrance into your mouth. Jisung’s hands moved to cup your face, while yours traveled from his chest south. Once your hands reached his hips, Jisung broke the kiss.

“You have a meeting in ten minutes.” He said in a low whisper.

You just smiled, fingers clawing at his belt buckle. “You’ve made me cum in less time.”

He laughed, leaning in to nip at your bottom lip. “And I would do it again,” his hands grabbed your wrist before you could finish undoing his belt “if I didn’t have to be at the studio in twenty minutes.”

Pouting, you tried to pull your hands away. “But, Ji-“ A harsh bite on your bottom lip effectively shuts you up.

“Be a good girl and don’t complain, and maybe I’ll let you cum on my face tonight.” He placed a quick, soft kiss on your swollen lips before pulling away.

And that’s how Jisung left for work, leaving you dripping and panting five minutes before your staff meeting.

Throughout the meeting, you kept replaying the words Jisung said before he left. You couldn’t focus on anything else; the feeling of his teeth against your lips, the smell of mint on his breath. He had taken all your focus and ruined you for the rest of the day.

You almost missed your boss telling everyone to log off early and enjoy some extra free time this afternoon. On a normal Wednesday, you would be thrilled to have so much time to yourself. But you wanted a distraction. You needed one, or you would combust from the sexual frustration you felt.

So you did what you always did when you needed a distraction.

You cleaned.

***

It was 5:00. You had deep cleaned the entire living room and kitchen, and were currently trying to organize the closest.

The cleaning had helped, a little. But even keeping your hands busy wasn’t enough; you swore you still felt Jisung’s breath on your face. You needed him sooner rather than later.

[5:06] when will you be home?

Your phone pinged before you could even lock it.

Ji: [5:06] late. things are moving slower than i expected

[5:07] late? :(

Ji: [5:07] are you complaining?

[5:07] …no

Ji: [5:08] good girl. i’m sorry it’s taking so long, but i promise i’ll slip away the second i get a chance. i love you

Groaning loudly into the empty room, you dropped your phone face down. You didn’t want to wait. You were tired of waiting.

You pulled open your underwear drawer and began to sort through it.

The more you thought about it, the more frustrated you got. It’s almost like he wanted to make you mad, like he wanted you to be so horny you couldn’t think. It was fucking annoying, especially knowing he probably wasn’t as turned on as you were. Jisung teased you, and left you to sit in your arousal with no help at all.

Fucking prick.

In your haste, you almost missed your fingers brushing against a silky material. Confused, you dug it out of the drawer to see what it was.

You placed the material in your lap and smiled.

You knew how to get your revenge.

***

[6:30] hey, any closer?

Your hands shook with excitement.

After finding the lingerie you had hidden for a special occasion, you quickly abandoned your cleaning project and decided to go all out. Showering, shaving, even curling your hair a bit.

Jisung had never seen this set before; it was a gift from a close friend who bought the wrong size for herself and gave it to you. You had only worn it once - to try it on - and the way it made you feel was incredible.

The bra was sheer, black silk that barely covered anything. It had small floral lace designs on the cups, insinuating the outline of your hard nipples. The bottoms were a simple bikini cut, slightly high waisted, made of the same material as the bra. The set left little to the imagination. You felt sexy in it, and you were positive Jisung would love it just as much as you do.

Ji: [6:32] a little, but it doesn’t look like i’ll be out of here before 9:00

[6:32] oh, ok :(

[6:32] i found something while cleaning i think you might want to see

Ji: [6:34] oh? let’s see it

Your hands shook as you scrolled through your camera roll, selecting two photos you had taken shortly after you put the set on.

On your knees, legs slightly spread, in front of the floor length mirror that leaned against the corner of your bedroom. One picture was simple, but did the trick. Right hand holding your phone, left hand resting on left shoulder, simply to show off the set.

The second?

That was your payback.

The pose was the same, just with a few minor changes. This time, your face was a bit more exposed. Your hair was pushed back to show off more of your neck. Your left hand had moved from your shoulder to inside your panties. Not far enough to touch yourself fully, but enough to feel your cold fingers against your clit.

[6:35] 2 Images Attached

Ji: [6:36] what the fuck do you think you’re doing?

[6:36] showing you what i found! don’t you like it? :)

Ji: [6:37] so much

Ji: [6:37] but take your hands off of what’s mine. right now.

You smirked, knowing your plan had worked.

But you weren’t done yet.

[6:40] 1 Video Attached

[6:40] i don’t want to :)

The video was short - only about 20 seconds. But you had been with Jisung long enough to know that it was more than enough.

Just like the pictures, you were on your knees in front of the mirror. Left hand down your underwear, you rubbed tight circles against your clit. Your face was exposed the whole time, moaning loudly in pleasure as your fingers sped up.

You cut the video right as you started screaming, begging him to let you cum.

You watched typing bubbles appear and disappear for five minutes. He had to be pissed; not only had you refused to listen to him, but you sent him a video. At work. Where he was probably around people. You smiled at the thought of him trying to hide his hard on at the studio.

The dots disappeared for good, and you were so giddy you almost started laughing. You had made him so mad. It was what he deserved for not letting you touch him this morning and making you wait all day.

You made your way to the living room, fully intending to stay there until Jisung came home tonight. The idea of making him sit for hours just like he made you sit made you so excited. Payback’s a fucking bitch.

Right as Netflix launched on the tv, you heard the door to the garage slam shut. You quickly glanced at your phone. 7:05. Jisung shouldn’t be home for another two hours, right?

Wrong.

He took quick strides towards you, undoing his belt as he went.

“You think you’re so fucking funny, don’t you?” Jisung hissed, pulling his belt out. “Sending me that shit while I’m at work?” Aggressively, he grabbed your wrists and wrapped his belt around them, tightening until he heard you gasp. “Get on the fucking ground.”

Scrambling, you dropped onto the ground, the carpet burning your knees. Jisung made quick work of his pants, pushing them and his boxers down just enough to pull his cock out.

Pumping with one hand, he used the other to grab your chin and tilt it up to look at him.

“Open your mouth.”

You obeyed, opening your mouth wide and sticking your tongue out. Jisung smirked before leaning over, and spitting into your mouth.

“Swallow.”

You kept eye contact as you swallowed his spit, and opened your mouth to show proof.

“So you do know how to listen.” He whispered, gently tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. You were about to lean into his touch when he slammed his cock into your mouth.

Both hands grabbed your face, holding it still as he quickly fucked your face. You hollow your cheeks as much as you can, using your tongue to add extra stimulation. Groaning, Jisung moved a hand to your hair to tilt your head up more. He wanted you to look at him while he slammed in your mouth, to watch you choke on him. So, you kept his eye contact. Showing him you could take it.

One hard thrust had you choking loudly. Slightly chuckling, Jisung thrusted with the same force again. And again. And again. He loved seeing you like this.

Your throat burned from the thrusts, and you soon felt tears well up. You looked at Jisung with full eyes, silently begging him to slow down.

He did.

“Aw, is baby crying?” He condescendingly cooed at you, using his thumbs to wipe your tears. He smiled softly at you before using his right hand to slap your cheek. “Shut the fuck up and take it.”

His pace picked back up, chasing his high as you continued to choke on him. Your mouth was so warm, so inviting, so tempting to cum into.

But, Jisung had different plans.

Pulling you off his cock, his expression shifted into a softer one. “Color?”

You swallowed, trying to keep your saliva in your mouth. “Green.”

Jisung smiled as he grabbed your hair and pulled you onto your feet. Once you were standing in front of him, he untied his belt from your wrists and let it drop to the floor. His hands then found your sides, sliding up slowly to grab your breasts. The silk, nice and cold against your chest, and the warmth of his hands made you throw your head back and moan softly.

“You look so fucking pretty.” Jisung whispered as he squeezed your boobs. His mouth attacked your exposed neck, pressing messy kisses all over. Once his lips found your right collarbone, he bit down and sucked as his fingers pinched both of your nipples. You gasped, the pain from his teeth and nails only making you wetter.

Jisung sucked until he felt satisfied with the mark he left. He always thought you looked prettiest when covered in hickeys.

His hands dropped from your breast and you whined, wanting more.

“Ji, touch me. Please.” You begged, tears forming in your eyes again.

He cocked his head. You had taken things too far, and now you were stuck playing his game. “Touch your where, baby?”

You whined more, grabbing his hand and pressing it against your clothed pussy.

“Here.” You pouted, grinding against his hand.

“Here?”

You nodded your head, grinding harder, but not getting the stimulation you needed. “Touch me, Ji. Please.”

He smirked. “I am touching you.”

You cried in frustration, and Jisung almost felt sorry for you.

Almost.

Until he remembered how much you almost embarrassed him in front of his friends.

He pushed his hand into your panties, quickly finding your clit and pressing it harshly with his thumb. “So fucking needy.” He tsked. “Have you been this wet all day?”

You nodded your head in response, gripping onto his forearms as he applied more pressure.

“What a fucking slut. Can’t even go a day without my cock, hm?”

“Yes, Ji, want it so bad. Want your cock.” You cried, feeling the knot tighten in your stomach.

“Yeah, baby? You want my cock? Want me to fuck you like the slut you are?”

You couldn’t answer, moans becoming cries as you grew closer and closer to your high. You slapped his arm to warn him you were close, but he already knew.

And pulled his hand away.

Before you could complain, he pulled your panties off and removed the rest of his clothes. Jisung threw you on the couch and climbed on top of you, alining himself with your entrance.

Right as the tip of his cock pushed against you, he caught your lips in a passionate kiss. It was soft, a reminder of how much he was still here to take care of you, even when he was rough with you. You smiled gently, leaning into the kiss as he pushed his cock in. You both moaned against each other’s lips as he bottomed out, not giving you any time to adjust before pulling out and thrusting back in.

“Fuck, baby. You feel so fucking good around me.” Jisung moaned as he began to thrust into you harder, going at the pace he knew you liked the most.

You arched your back, heading lolling back as your moans started to border on screams. You had been so pent up all day, and finally feeling Jisung inside you was like heaven.

Jisung’s hands moved to your thighs, picking them up and wrapping them around him to adjust the position. It allowed him to go deeper, hitting your sweet spot with every thrust.

“Fuck.” You screamed. “More, more, more. Please Ji-More-“

His hips slammed roughly into yours, fucking you harder. One of his hands made its way to your throat, grasping it tightly while the other went to your mouth. He tapped his thumb against your mouth, and you obediently sucked on it until it was wet enough. That same thumb pressed against your clit, causing you to spasm underneath him.

“God, you look so fucking pretty all fucked out for me.” Jisung moaned, feeling his high approach. His words caused you to clench around him. “Gonna be a good slut and cum for me?”

You couldn’t respond, your mind completely blank as he continued to apply pressure to your clit and hit your g-spot.

Jisung tsked, tightening his grip around your throat. “I asked you a question, or are you too cock dumb to answer?”

You shook your head, tears falling down your face as you screamed. “Yes. Yes. Good slut. Fuck.”

He laughed at you, and that was all you needed to push you over the edge. This orgasm felt different. Your entire body shook, eyes rolled back, the knot in your stomach suddenly snapping and releasing with a pressure you didn’t even know existed.

You didn’t register Jisung slowing his thrusts, eyes glued to where you two met, jaw hanging open slightly.

“Holy shit.” He whispered, hand falling from your throat to spread your legs wider.

You pushed yourself onto your elbows to see what he was looking at.

The bottom of his stomach was drenched, along with your legs and some of the couch. You then realized why he stopped, and why he was smiling so big.

Jisung slammed himself back into you, his high closer than ever. “What a fucking mess you made, baby.” He grunted. “Squirting all over my cock like that. Fuck, you are just my dumb cockslut, aren’t you?”

The overstimulation, and Jisung’s words, had you screaming louder than before. It was too much, but too good.

You felt Jisung twitch inside of you, signaling that he was close. You grabbed his face and pulled him in, lips barely touching his as you whispered: “fill me up.”

Jisung moaned and slammed his lips against yours, all tongue and teeth as he continues to ruthlessly fuck you. You moaned as you felt him release inside you, filling you to the brim with his cum.

He slowed his thrusts down, pulling out only slightly before collapsing on top of you. Jisung buried his face into your neck, attempting to catch his breath. Your hands found his hair, running your fingers through them as you tried to slow your heartbeat.

You two stayed like that for a bit, Jisung finally deciding to pull out when he softened up. He watched his cum leak out of your swollen pussy and moaned.

“Fuck, that’s so hot.” He said.

You giggled, post sex clarity making you level headed for the first time all day. “Sorry I sent you those pictures while you were at work.”

Jisung shook his head as he helped you sit up. “It’s okay. I needed a reason to leave anyway.”

You smiled at him, and he pulled you into his arms, peppering kisses across your sweaty head.

“You know I love you so much, right?” He whispered.

You nodded against his shoulder, placing small kisses on it. “You know I love you just as much, right?”

He hummed in agreement. “Wanna shower, smoke a joint, and order some food?”

You looked up at him and smiled brightly. “Then we can go again?”

Jisung groaned, grabbing the back of your head and bringing you in for a deep kiss.

“How could I ever tell you no?”

©: chvnnie 2022

[silv3rswirls]

Comforting their s/o when they cry (Ateez)

Note: Some of the members came out short than others based on the scenarios I picked for them

Tike taken: about 30 minutes/unedited

♡Seonghwa♡

Crying over an argument

You and Seonghwa were busy people. You worked part-time and went to school, while Seonghwa could often get caught up with KQ and Ateez. So, spending time together could be hard to find at times. But you made it work, mainly by trying to plan things the best you could around Seonghwa’s schedules. Most of the time it worked out, but lately, it hasn't. You just couldn’t cancel and reschedule all the important events coming up and unfortunately, your dates with Seonghwa had suffered.

That’s why both of you were standing around in the dorm bickering at the moment. Seonghwa wanted to go out with you tomorrow afternoon, but you were swamped. “Can’t you reschedule it?” He asked again, “I want to take you out.”

“I can’t” you pressed, “I really can’t miss this, I’m sorry.”

“But you keep saying that, we haven’t spent time together in weeks.” He frowned, frustration building in his voice. “Can’t you cancel? Do you just not want to spend time with him?”

“I always cancel!” You snapped, “I always reschedule so we can be together, so don’t say I don’t want to spend time with you!”

A thick silence fell between the two of you and you hadn’t even noticed your tears until Seonghwa came to brush them away. “I try really hard to accommodate you, and I don’t mind, but sometimes I just can’t, okay?”

Seonghwa wore a guilty expression as he took in your glassy eyes and stressed demeanor. “I’m sorry...do you really plan everything around me?”

You nodded, “I want nothing more than to go out with you all the time, but sometimes things are just too much, okay? I’m sorry I can’t go tomorrow-”

He hushed you, “don’t apologize, I shouldn’t be so persistent in your rescheduling.” He rubbed comforting circles on your hand as he held it, “just forget about tomorrow, let’s just enjoy the time we have together right now.”

♡Hongjoong♡

He's late for a date

Seeing you slowly descend into tears as he tried to explain why he was late hurt. He hadn’t meant to get caught up at work, but he had and your evening date had momentarily slipped his mind. Hence why he was nearly thirty minutes late. He had found you, bored on your phone as you kept up the waiting. He had swopped in with apologies and excuses, but hearing them only made you sadder than you already were. It wasn’t the first time he had forgotten, in fact, you almost expected it. It didn’t make things sting any less, so as you listened to him explain how he had gotten so caught up in work you felt the sting of tears building in your eyes, unable to hold them in as you choked back a sob.

“Don’t cry!” Hongjoong had pressed himself closer to you. It truly took him off guard, seeing as you were also so understanding of these kinds of things. “Don’t cry, I’m sorry.” It tore him up to see you crying because of him, but his heart broke when he heard you mutter than it was to be expected of him as you tried to wiggle free. His hold on you grew lax as he looked back on all the times he had done this. With a pang of guilt in his chest, he realized that he had come to expect you to accept his apologies and excuses, accidentally taking advantage of your usual kind and supportive energy.

He waits until the two of you are outside, following you to your car. “Just go home, I don’t feel like doing anything anymore.” You sniffled, fishing your keys from your bag.

He nodded but went in for another hug, wrapping his arms tight around your body and pressing his face into your shoulder. “I’ll do better” he mutters, “I promise, I’m so sorry for tonight.” Tentatively he rubs away whatever tears are left in your eyes and kisses your forehead, “text me when you get home, okay?”

You nod with a small smile, sharing one more hug before heading off.

♡Yunho♡

Crying of frustration

Yunho immediately brought you in for a hug when he noticed your frustration spilling into tears. You had been working on your schoolwork the past few hours, studying and preparing for your exams while he watched a movie beside you. You had been turning your mind over and over trying to understand the material in front of you, but every time you tried to work it out you found yourself either wrong or too lost to keep going. Frustration set in early as you tried to keep going, but as you did so your eyes clouded with tears and they escaped right as Yunho came back with a snack for the of you.

“Awe, baby don’t cry” he cooed, arms tight around you as he pulled you away from your work. He could understand being so overwhelmed and frustrated, but seeing your break down into tears over it tugged his heartstrings harder. “It’s okay, just take a break.” He squeezes you tight, almost like he was trying to squeeze your frustration away. He made you take a long break, have some water, and a snack to relax. In the end, he sat by your side and helped you through it, a bit lost as well but eager to help you. He keeps his arm around you the whole time.

♡Yeosang♡

A pet passes away

Yeosang had no idea what to do when you tearfully explained how your beloved family pet had passed away the previous day. You had come to him with teary eyes but as you explained the situation further you broke down to full sobs. His eyes grew wide as you broke down, understandably so. “I’m sorry” he spoke softly, taking your hand gently and guiding you to sit down. Losing a pet could be so painful, he just wanted to take all your pain away.

He knew he couldn’t just make it disappear, so he let you get it all out on his shoulder. Rubbing your back and handing you tissues. Yeosang wants to be there for you all he can, despite being a little jumbled and awkward with his actions at times. He makes sure you cuddle up close with him, petting through your hair and reminding you of all the good memories with your pet. He wants you to smile back on all the good things.

♡San♡

Watching a sad movie

With a storm raining outside, you and San had chosen to settle down for the evening with a movie. Cuddled under a blanket with snacks and light conversations as the movie San picked at random ran through its time. You had liked the movie at first, a kind of coming-of-age film as it slowly went through the main character’s life with her friends and family.

It was towards the end where you found your face heating up with tears. The main character was reminiscing in her old age of her youth and all the people that impacted her life, focusing heavily on one of her childhood friends that she had a falling out with. They had never spoken again, going separate ways in life seemingly not missing the other. It ripped at your heartstrings a bit too personally as you were only reminded of an old friend you had drifted from. As the credits rolled and you sat with old memories you could feel your shoulders shaking with silent sobs.

“Baby?” San was caught off guard to find you crying. You explained how close to home it had hit you, and San scrambled to change it to something happier to take your mind off of it. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have picked a sad one.” He frowned, holding on to your tightly. Even long after your tears stopped he keeps you in his arms, cuddling and talking sweetly with you for the rest of the night.

♡Mingi♡

Overwhelmed

Mingi’s go-to had been to scoop you up in a bear hug. He knew with just how hard you had begun to break down that it wasn’t just over breaking a glass. He listened to you desperately try to explain how it was so much more than the glass, how hard you had been trying to hold everything in the past month or so. He clings to you for the rest of the day, encouraging you to let everything out and cry as long and hard as you need to. He’ll be there for you through it all.

“Come to me whenever you need.” He assures you that it’s okay, he wants to hear about all your worries and frustrations. The both of you lay down, cuddling as you recount how emotionally blocked you had been. Talking away all the big worries on your mind as Mingi listened to every word. He keeps his arms tight around you.

♡Wooyoung♡

Not knowing why

Wooyoung had come home excited to see you after a long day. He had many things stored away to tell you about, questions about your day, about your next date, anything that had come to mind during the day. Eagerly he found you in bed, the big smile on his face slowly fading as he noticed your quiet crying. He tones his energy down and sits beside you. Carefully he runs a hand over your back, catching your attention as you turn over to face him. “What happened?”

You shake your head, “I don’t know...I just needed to cry I guess.” You seem upset, unable to figure out exactly why or what you were crying over. Seeing your boyfriend’s brow knit in confusion and a small pout taking his lips only made you cry more. You had buried your face into his thigh, but Wooyoung wasted no time crawling under the covers with you. “It’s okay” he soothes, an arm around your waist as the other rubs away your tears, poking and pinching at your cheek in an attempt to get you to smile. ���Sometimes we just need to cry, it’s okay.”

♡Jungho♡

Stress

“Everything’s fine, I’m here.”

Jongho had been with you when you began to break down. He was sitting on the sofa of your place as you pace around, on the phone with work as major changes were taking place. Watching you frantically scribble down dates and notes, anyone could easily tell how stressed you were getting.

When you finally hung up, standing over the table quietly and playing with your pen he got up to check on things. He found you rereading everything you hastily scribbled down, chewing your lip as you tried not to start crying. Between school and work, you were feeling nothing but stress and worry over how things would turn out in the coming days.

“I-I’m sorry” you hiccuped, rubbing your eyes. Jongho hadn’t known what to do at first, but he’s quick to let you wrap your arms around him and try to compose yourself. He strokes your hair, again muttering that it was okay to cry on his shoulder like this. “We’ll figure it out together, okay?” He keeps an eye on you even when you break away and takes a few deep breaths.

[bukojuiice]

— genshin boys as your late night study buddy

ೃ ft. childe, diluc, kaeya, zhongli, xiao and albedo x gn! reader

ೃ 200-299 words per character!  (they are your bfs in this! bc MAN do i desperately want one of the genshin boys to cram school works with and shower me with luv and affection.) ♡

ೃ tags: college au, modern au, and lots of fluff. 

ೃ thank you so so much for 1k notes on my very first batch of genshin hcs! i appreciate all the luv it received and i can never thank all of you enough 🥺 i’ll be making a genshin masterlist soon to compile all of my current and future works so pls stay tuned for that!

ೃ if you want to be a part of my taglist, answer this form! ♡

ZHONGLI:

– Zhongli would be a very chill study partner. He will always keep his cool and focus, never letting his attention stray away from less trivial things. If he can focus, he’ll focus. There’s always this sense of comfort surrounding him that brightens up your mood and productivity. The both of you are sat in this long table, papers, books, and cute matching pencils are sprawled about. You lean your head on his shoulder, as he serenades you with his deep and butter voice, explaining all the formulas to you. Being able to study in peace and quiet with him is always a blissful experience. He never fails to brew you green tea (as it helps the brain function) even if that meant going down to the kitchen at 2 in the morning. He always brings a small humidifier and some essential oils with him that can help brighten up the study mood and that emits a wafting vanilla pinecone scent to keep you happy. (He’s just fancy like that.) When he doesn’t understand the concepts right away, he’d turn to you, his sharp amber eyes gazing at yours with nothing but innocent and love, and asks: “(Y/N)... what reference is this supposed to be? pepe the frog? kermit the frog? here come dat boi? aren’t they all just amphibians? what are the differences between them? I am very intrigued.”

CHILDE:

  – Childe loves a challenge. An academic challenge. He loves the thrill of finishing school works the night before the deadline, he loves studying for a pop quiz twenty minutes before the bell rings, and most importantly, he loves to pretend he doesn’t know how to solve point a to point b if that means getting to spend time with you as you tutor him on how to do so. He’s at the top of the class, He’s popular and friendly, He’s the captain of the Archery Team, and one of the vice council members of the Fatui Club. But, no other title will ever come close to being your study buddy. You and Childe always chill on the bed whenever you study. Especially when the both of you have the sudden urge to just laze around. Well, it is the wee hours of the night, so just lounging around and trying to resist the urge of sleep is pretty understandable. Sometimes, the two of you would take power naps in between study sessions. This meant cuddle times! Childe will always cuddle with you, (he’s the big spoon and you are the smol spoon) and often times you would be immersed into your textbook while he’s scrolling through his phone and looking for some of the current and popular memes. He’d poke you on the cheek and show you what he’s found. It was quite annoying sometimes and you would reprimand him for it, but it never fails to make you laugh. You jokingly suggested one time that the two of you sneak in the library after closing hours, and your chaotic boyfriend turns to you with the biggest smirk plastered on his face. “Let’s do it baby. I know the law.”

DILUC:

–You and Diluc are the cutest pair of night owls. So, studying late at night is never a problem with him because with the help of each other, the both of you are unstoppable. An actual power couple. Batman and his love interest who? I only know (Y/N) and Diluc. Mondstadt University should be giving you the title of #NoSleepGang for the “Campus Cuties” awards because the two of you are able to ace every test still despite lack of sleep.  You and Diluc are very very organized. The both of you own matching couple planners (that the both of you had gifted to each for Christmas) and have your entire study schedule planned out already. Since the two of you prefer to study at night, your dates are usually done during the day. Which meant never having to worry about the upcoming finals whilst you’re at a cute little café with him. The both of you have respective desks whenever you study together, but you never fail to gaze at your crimson-haired boyfriend with the cutest pout and biggest puppy eyes. He always gives in and next thing you know, your swivel chairs are practically glued next to each other and the both of you are cuddling in your seats. One thing that Diluc never fails to do is pamper you with comfort food or little gifts that you love after a long and tiring week of hell (aka exams) It’s such a sweet gesture and the blissful relationship that you have can’t get any better than this.

“I got you some boba and that necklace from Pandora that you’ve always wanted. I-I’m so proud of you (Y/N). You did great, my love.”

KAEYA:

- You are the Lawful Good to Kaeya’s Chaotic Evil. Kaeya is always tempted to ask for answers from your professors. He’s quite the teacher’s pet, but with good intentions. That’s just how he rolls. Every time he jokes about going to the faculty to help out and the answer sheets are just out in the open, waiting to be snatched, you always glare at at him and punch him softly on the arm, every time he tries to bring up the idea. To which he would always reply with, “I’m kidding. Just kidding my love.” You and Kaeya have amazing study hacks. He is always able to find a movie that is somewhat related to the topics that the both of you are currently studying about. For example, when the topic was an introduction to different branches of science, Kaeya chose Big Hero 6  as the “Educational Movie Of the Day.” He is always able to find something fun and informative for the both of you to watch. Well, Kaeya does find fun and interest in everything. Another effective strategy that both of you do is every time you or him get an answer right, you reward each other with either a kiss on the cheek or a bear hug. Both of these affectionate gestures give you butterflies in your stomach anyway, so it doesn’t matter which is which. With the ideas that Kaeya constantly makes up every single day of your study sessions, there’s a high chance that you’ll never fluke a test ever again.

“Oh. That’s pretty cool of you (Y/N). You got 30 correct answers! If we count everything, so I basically gave you 15 forehead kisses and 15 bear hugs. Congrats! I know we’re going to ace our finals!”

XIAO:

– Xiao is extremely intelligent and talented in a myriad of things. However, he lacks self-confidence. You’ve sworn to your boyfriend that you’d help him gain confidence in his academic abilities. Which is why you became study buddies in the first place. It served as dates with him too! Although he stubbornly refused at first, his reasons being that he can do things by himself and he doesn’t need any help. You continued to encourage him that this was going to help the both of you and it was a way for the two of you to bond, and Xiao hesistantly agreed right after. As the captain of the soccer team, “The Liyue Adepti”, The only free time that Xiao has was during the evening which is the reason for your scheduled late night studies with him. This brought so much more intimate and sweet moments with him though! It meant sleepovers with him, midnight snack runs, and casual early morning strolls in the park. It became sort of a routine. Your hand interlaced with his, the crisp morning air, the little chirpings birds, and the tranquil swaying of the trees brought so much comfort to the both of you. Xiao would be the type of student to not speak up unless he’s called. Even if he knows the answer. The both of you sit on some floor pillows whenever you would study. So, whilst you read aloud, Xiao always hugs you from behind, resting his head on your shoulder.

“I don’t deserve the patience and love you give me, (Y/N). I am eternally grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I hope you know, that I’ll always be here for you.”

ALBEDO:

- Being the university’s library assistant has it’s perks. Access to infinite knowledge, quiet solitude within the library walls, and being able to hang out with your boyfriend. It was truly a perfect deal. After classes, Albedo would be heading straight over to the library to do his work. You’d meet him there and wait until he gets his work done, and then the two of you head home together or have dinner. Albedo likes to plan things in advance. He’s quite busy, being a part of university’s alchemist group and as a library assistant, but, he will always study with you. He even brings Klee with him at times too! She’s always an energetic and cute addition, + she tattles on and on about how in love Albedo is with you and how he would never shut up about you at home. Albedo puts a lot of effort into creating review materials for the both of you. He makes very intricate drawings of modules, dioramas of certain science models, and has all the formulas memorized for him to list down. He’s a genius after all, and although you’ve constantly told him time and time again that he doesn’t have to make a review paper specifically catered to you, he still insists. He always gifts you one whenever it’s exam week (he adds extra detail to them during your finals) The cutest thing about these papers are scribbled about in all of the pages. The cutest doodles of the two of you with hearts and flowers drawn all over. Albedo + (Y/N) is even written in the last page, along with a heartfelt message: 

“I put all my faith and belief in you, (Y/N). I know you can do this. I’m proud of everything you’ve reached so far, my beloved. and I know you’ll reach greater heights. Let’s continue to excel and thrive together. I can’t wait to spend the rest of this journey with you.”

[theflyingfeeling]

#13 sounds like Olli to me, with Aleksi or Joonas, as you choose

Since I already did Olli/Joonas (and I've got more of them to come with later prompts), I'm gonna go with the always cute Olli/Allu for this one 😌

13. I’m having a bad day, starting with falling backwards into the local fountain, and you help me out (2114 words)

Olli sighed and pulled his cap deeper in on his head to keep it from taking off with the wind. He looked at his watch and tapped at it to make sure it hadn’t run out of battery. A second later the minutes changed from 30 to 31, matching the time on the old bell tower clock next to the market square. 

Aleksi was late. 

Olli shouldn’t have been surprised, really, as Aleksi had a habit of finding the comfort of his sofa much more alluring than getting up and going on about his day, more often than not. Olli had spent enough nights (and, consequently, mornings that followed) at Aleksi’s to have noticed this by now, and although he couldn’t help but admit Aleksi’s sofa was pretty comfortable indeed, being on the receiving end of the other man’s lethargic tendencies drove him up the wall sometimes.

With a defeated grumble, Olli sat on the edge of the fountain they had agreed to meet at before going on a brunch together. It had been two weeks since they had last seen each other in person, with Aleksi on a business trip in L.A. (and Olli, well, doing little else but writing his master’s thesis and waiting for Aleksi to come back), so Olli was growing rather impatient about getting to wrap his arms around Aleksi and burying his nose in his hair once more. 

He took out his phone and stared at his lock screen, a picture he had taken of Aleksi just a day before Aleksi had to leave for California, on the first warm day of the spring. They had lain cuddling in bed almost until noon, and having realised what a beautiful day it was – and how empty Aleksi’s fridge was – they had leisurely sauntered downtown for late breakfast and ice cream. The way Aleksi’s tongue was licking the raspberry gelato in the picture Olli had snapped without the man noticing made Olli crumple up by the side of the fountain; the last couple of days of Aleksi’s trip had been pure misery from Olli’s part at least, seeing how exhausted Aleksi had been after a long day of meeting and not being able to comfort him other than with slightly awkward words of affection and an endless string of heart emojis. But now, finally back in the fatherland, Mr. Worldwide had the audacity to not even show up.

Sure, Olli knew it had been well past midnight when Aleksi had returned home, and despite Olli’s reassurance that he would not mind in the slightest staying up and waiting for him or even meet him at the airport to bring him home, Aleksi had insisted he should go to his own house instead as to not disturb Olli’s sleeping schedule. Aleksi had justified his decision by claiming he would probably be terrible company after his flight anyway, sleep-deprived and stressed out, although Olli knew he only wanted to appear chivalrous and modest, or at least that’s what Joonas had managed to convince him when he had complained about the arrangement to Joonas just the day before. 

Once Olli had successfully held back the tears of longing and budding resentment, his eyes focused back on Aleksi’s tongue. The busy market place around him disappeared when he imagined how the tongue would sneak in between his own lips and explore the insides of his mouth, how it would travel down his neck, past his chest, maybe do rounds at his nipples before heading further down and oh lord, Olli was going to need a cold shower, because greeting his boyfriend for the first time in weeks with a boner down his pants was not how Olli had planned for Aleksi’s homecoming to go.

(Not at this time of the day, at least.)

As it turned out, he had been so lost in his miserable, Aleksi-less world that when a sudden gust of the wind blew Olli’s cap off his head, it was already in the pool of the fountain before his reflexes had him groping on thin air.

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, eyes fixed on the cap as it floated in the water like some kind of metaphor of his current despair. 

He kneeled on the edge of the fountain, which was easier said than done, considering its rounded shape that wasn’t exactly ideal for balancing your body weight on. However, the calm, yet persistent current of the water kept drifting his hat further away from him by the second, so Olli had no time to lose if he wanted it back before it would disappear in the vortex created by the fountain in the middle of the monument.

With his left hand supporting him against the edge, he reached his right hand towards the now soaked cap, and just when his fingers were only centimetres away from finally grabbing it, a familiar voice spoke to him out of the blue.

“What are you doing, honey?”

“Aleksi!”

It was all Olli had time to yelp before he fell head first in the water.

On the bright side, he no longer had to worry about his semi-hard erection, as the chilly water did its job in cooling him down from head to toe, so that when he finally climbed out with the help of his boyfriend, who seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, the only desire his body was shivering from was that of wanting to climb back to his bed and wallow in his self-pity. 

Aleksi’s hand rubbed his back softly as he coughed water out of his lungs.

“What just happened?” Olli was saddened by the fact that he could not truly revel in hearing Aleksi’s voice right next to his ear instead of through the speakers of his computer.

“You were late!”

Soaked strands of hair were swept off his face. 

“I know, honey, and I’m sorry! I was so sleepy when I came home that I fell asleep the second I lay down and forgot to set the alarm, and then I got stuck in traffic and couldn’t even text you because my phone had ran out of battery overnight and I didn’t have a charger with me in the car and I’m so so sorry, Olli!”

Feeling cold and wet all over, Aleksi’s kisses on his cheek offered little warmth.

…But they did offer a little warmth, in the end.

“I missed you,” Olli said quietly and leaned against Aleksi’s touch when the man wrapped his arms around Olli’s shoulders. He could sense that the other people in the market square were looking at the scene they had caused and that he probably was a miserable sight, but with Aleksi’s lips on his temple it was difficult to make himself give a shit.

“I missed you too, oh god, how I missed you! You don’t know how many times I almost called my boss and told him I was gonna take the next flight home.”

Somehow, hearing Aleksi had shared his sentiments over the past weeks made Olli feel a whole lot better.

“Then tell me.”

“Huh?” Aleksi asked, lips still pressed against the side of Olli’s head.

“How many times did you almost call your boss and quit because you missed me?”

“Ohh,” Aleksi finally retreated his lips and rested his chin on Olli’s shoulder, “every time I said goodnight to you. I wanted to be there with you so bad, to tuck you in, sing you a little song maybe...”

The confession made Olli chuckle. “You’ve never sung me a lullaby before.”

“No, but I intend to start now.” Olli turned his head enough to see Aleksi smile at him. “And I hated waking up alone in that pompous hotel, with no one to share the room service breakfast with.”

“Oh, yeah, sounds like you had a terrible time there.”

The arms around Olli tightened their hold on him. 

“Okay, I admit the hotel was pretty sweet, but I hope you can believe me when I tell you that it would’ve been so much better if you had been there with me.”

Olli’s eyes fell close when he felt a nose nuzzling his cheek.

“Maybe you should take me with you next time, then.”

“Maybe I will,” Aleksi purred and, at long last, cupped Olli’s cheek with his hand and guided him to a kiss. 

When they pulled apart, the spring breeze made Olli tremble in his sodden clothes.

“Seriously though, what on earth were you up to before I came?”

Olli turned his head and tried to locate his hard-luck headgear. He found it having gotten caught on the foot of the sculpture jutting out from the middle of the fountain.

“My cap fell in,” he explained and pointed a finger at the accessory in question. 

“And then…you fell in,” Aleksi recalled the events. His restrained tone made Olli snap his head to look at the man again, only to find him sucking his lips in, his shoulders shaking subtly.

“You’re laughing!”

“I’m not!” Aleksi argued, but the smile that broke on his face wasn’t in line with his words.

“You are laughing at my tragedy and you are the worst boyfriend,” Olli continued, although he did a poor job in holding back his own, helpless smile when Aleksi squeezed him even tighter. 

“I’m sorry, honey,” and with one more kiss to Olli’s cheek, he was forgiven. “Let’s get you into some dry clothes now, yeah?”

~

“You can’t be serious, Aleksi.”

“I'm very serious, now let’s go in,” Aleksi pulled Olli along by his hand, but Olli held back.

“You cannot drag me in the BOSS shop looking like this!”

Aleksi seemed to notice the distress he was in, as he pulled Olli aside from the doorway they were blocking and brought a hand to Olli’s shoulder. 

“Listen, I’m friends with the store manager, it’s alright.” He then looked Olli up and down, taking in his soggy state, and pursed his lips contemplatively. “Okay, wait here a second.”

And before Olli could tell him he was in no hurry to go anywhere except his own apartment to try and disappear off the face of earth, Aleksi had already entered the store and left him alone by the door, feeling utterly exposed under the gazes of passers-by who glared at him like he was a pile of dog poo someone had neglected to pick up after their poodle. After a while Olli saw the security guard approach him, his massive fist almost crunching the walkie-talkie in his hand, and was certain the hunk was about to call the cops on him for tainting the store’s immaculate image with his sorry existence, but then Aleksi appeared as abruptly as he had left him and took Olli by his hand.

“Come on!”

Aleksi hurried them through the store, and if Olli hadn’t been busy trying to keep up with his boyfriend, he would have died of the embarrassment of stomping around a luxury fashion store looking – and feeling – like a drowned rat straight out the sewer.

Having reached the farthest corner of the store, Aleksi pushed him through a door, and suddenly Olli found himself standing in the middle of what seemed to be a private fitting room of sorts. On the wall, a perfectly clean and dry outfit of a black dress shirt and a pair of jeans, complete with boxer shorts and white tennis socks, was placed neatly on coathangers as if waiting for Olli to put them on.

“You…arranged this? In like, what, ten minutes?”

But Aleksi only smiled, and soon his arms were around Olli’s neck again and his lips found Olli’s in a gentle kiss. The situation was surreal, to put it nicely, but Olli swallowed any complaints that were about to leave his mouth when Aleksi’s firm body pressed Olli against the wall of the small room they were in, because had that not been exactly what Olli had been waiting to do every minute of every day for the past two weeks? It would have been pure madness to turn Aleksi down then, when his mouth was so hot against his and his fingers so soft on his chest.

Not to mention the leg that was slowly, so slowly massaging the front of Olli’s trousers.

“Aleksi,” Olli broke the kiss when he felt his cock twitch under Aleksi’s teasing touch. “Aleksi, we can’t. We are in public, for Christ’s sake.”

Aleksi’s pupils were blown when he stared into Olli’s eyes; Olli should have known better than to argue with him in this state.

“I guess you better keep quiet, then,” Aleksi smiled and went down on his knees.

[eleiidayy]

Even Now

Summary: Midoriya and Iida completely ignore their childhood nostalgia and continue to be mature and productive heroes-in-training.

A/N: Hope you’re having an amazing day :) This idea came a while ago when a random thought that Iida probably gives his friends zoomy piggy back rides came to mind, and then one day, I unintentionally found the picture above (I think it’s from a larger poster), and things kind of went from there lol

Word range: 8k

----

“Those two… If they didn’t feel up to training with us today, they should have informed us beforehand.”

Izuku glanced up from his notebook to watch Iida pace back and forth from where he sat in the grass under the shade of a tree. They were at one of the training grounds on campus not far from the Heights Alliance dorms they’d just moved into two days ago.

“The Hero License Exam is in less than three weeks. Three weeks! Did they forget we’re meeting?” Iida checked his watch again, kept striding. “We discussed it again during breakfast. There’s no time to waste."

“Iida…”

“I’m just saying they should take into account our time as well.”

“I get it, but...”

“We are heroes-in-training, after all.” He paused, checked his watch for the thirteenth time, then began muttering to himself. “They’re better than this. Consistent punctuality is a habit all of us should strive to attain. And this isn’t the first time those two have been late-”

“Well, they aren’t late.” Izuku smiled sheepishly when Iida glanced at him. “I mean, not technically. We agreed to start at 12:30, right? Right now, it’s only 12:23.”

“Yes, but all of class 1-A is in full agreement that on time is at least ten minutes before the actual scheduled time, remember?”

Right. Izuku held back a sigh. I think you’re the only one who agreed to that, Iida. He looked up again. Huh?

Iida had abruptly stopped his pacing and sat in the grass next to Midoriya. Silence settled between them.

“Hey, it’s Saturday. We all pushed ourselves pretty hard during our solo training yesterday. I’m sure they’ll be here, but I think everyone’s just taking it a bit slower today, y'know?” Izuku said gently. Maybe you should, too is what he wanted to add, but held back when Iida’s only response was a quiet hum and nod. He slid off his glasses to clean them, and they fell back into silence while Izuku watched out of the corner of his eye.

Even his sulking wasn’t as animated today as it normally was at times like these.

Iida’s behavior had been off for almost three days now. Subtle, but still noticeable to Izuku. He’d seemed more to himself, and had been frequently pausing mid-task to stare blankly into space...like he was doing now. Unmoving with his glasses still in his hand.

Izuku hesitated. “Hey. You okay?”

Iida snapped back to attention. “Hm? Yes, I’m fine!” He put his glasses back on with a small, confused smile. “Admittedly, I’m just a little tired is all.”

“Oh. You’ve been having trouble sleeping?”

“No, don’t worry. I've been sleeping decently enough.” Iida looked at his loosened shoelace and began re-tying it.

It looked like his eyes even lacked their usual shine, which made Izuku’s stomach twist. Could this be about…?

“...the orange juice, so, I really am all right.” Izuku felt a hand on his shoulder and snapped out of his thoughts, realizing Iida had been talking the whole time, though he didn’t know for how long. “This time of year just provokes my allergies and makes me feel a little under the weather more on some days than others.”

The green-haired boy nodded. They’d known each other for a few months and had gotten pretty close. They’d helped each other, and been there for one another on bad days several times before, but sometimes his friend was still hard to read.

“I’m still always here if you ever need someone to talk to, okay? I told you before. Don’t forget you’re not alone,” Izuku said with a tiny, reassuring smile.

“Forgetting I have a friend in you would be criminal.” Iida’s own smile was faint, but looked genuine this time. “Thank you, Midoriya.”

“Yeah! Don’t mention-”

Midoriya and Iida’s phones buzzed in unison. A text from the Class 1-A group chat.

Shoto: @Deku @Ingenium We’ll be running a little late

Uravity: Yeah, turns out we’ve been assigned common room and kitchen cleanup duty today. Aizawa Sensei just finished up the dorm chore roster an hour ago, and the time slots he set up for us to get to work are pretty strict :/

Shoto: Should take us no longer than a few more minutes

Shoto: So just stay there

Shoto: More hands would slow us down at this point

Uravity: Be there soon! Sorry Iida >.<

Ingenium: That’s all right. Just come when you can. And don’t forget your water bottles.

Uravity: Right ^.^

Shoto: Also is it leg day or arm day today

Shoto: I need to change and decide which shoes I’m wearing

Ingenium: Feel free to bring both.

Shoto: OK

Shoto: Should I put on sunscreen

Shoto: I know it’s hot but how hot is it out there exactly

Shoto: I heard it’s likely to rain today

Iida gasped, thumbs flying across his touchscreen.

Ingenium: You should always put on sunscreen, rain or shine, to maintain your youthful glow for as long as possible! Don’t tell me you haven’t been doing that!!!

Shoto: It rarely crosses my mind

Shoto: Is it really necessary

Ingenium: YES!

King-Lord Explosion Murder: HEY. I told you nerdy extras 3 damn times already to make your own group chat for training purposes. no one wants to read you clogging up the chat w/ blabber about your lame-ass 2nd rate joint training and sunscreen.

“Oh, yeah, that’s right,” Midoriya muttered.

Deku: Sorry, Kacchan! I keep forgetting to create that chat 😅

King-Lord Explosion Murder: well, quit forgetting, nerd.

Shoto: Don’t bother @Deku

Shoto: There’s no need to

Shoto: Because actually it seems like you’re the one who’s been clogging up the chat with your complaints @King-Lord Explosion Murder

Shoto: You don’t have to read any of this

King-Lord Explosion Murder: aren’t you supposed to be helping pink cheeks?!? some help you are. mind your own business, icy hot. and FYI, the period’s not the send button, you idiot. send all your stupid thoughts in one message. listening to you once is bad enough. reading consecutive messages from you is annoying as hell.

Shoto: Again you don’t have to read them

Shoto: You’re just complaining for no reason again

King-Lord Explosion Murder: I’M NOT COMPLAINING I’M JUST VOICING MY OPINION AND NOBODY ASKED FOR YOURS DAMN YOUUUU

Shoto: Nobody asked for yours either

*King-Lord Explosion Murder is typing...

*King-Lord Explosion Murder is typing...

Chargebolt: Whaa?? Nothing to say? Ohooo todoroki got you good AGAIN kacchaaan~ ha! You totally had to see that coming 😏 buuuuurn.

Chargebolt: Or… because it’s todoroki... should I also say...

*Chargebolt is typing...

King-Lord Explosion Murder: dunce face, I’ve had it. if you crack that shitty joke one more time, I swear.

Chargebolt: ...freeze. *mic drop*

Izuku thought he heard Iida snort, but when he glanced over, Iida coughed and eventually removed his hand from his mouth, shaking his head with a slightly disapproving look. “Terrible joke.”

Izuku blinked. Oh. Just imagining things.

Red Riot: LMAOO OK butcha gotta admit that one never gets old, man 😂 But yo Bakugou I’m ready to roll soon. Gimme five and we‘ll meet at the south training field, cool?

Chargebolt: OFICK OH FYCKK MAYDAY MSYDAY BAKUGOSBOUT TO MYRDER ME HOWD HE GET HRE SO FWST KIRI ITS LOCKED BUT HELPHES HAMMERING AND POUNDEINGMY DOOOR I HACE TU TSKE THE WINDIW OHSHIGAJNJKFHSHS

“Wait, don’t worry about it!” Midoriya held onto Iida’s arm to stop him from fully standing.

“But, the expense of a detonated dorm door will probably be through the roof! And Kaminari-!”

“Yeah, but you know Kirishima’s got it! He’ll handle Kacchan. Trust him!”

“Well…” Iida was reluctant but knew Kirishima was always more than dependable. “I suppose you’re right.”

“Soo, anyway.” Izuku clicked his screen off with an awkward smile. “I guess while we wait, may as well start getting warmed up.”

“Right!” Iida sprang to his feet so suddenly, Izuku ‘eep’ed. “What a proactive suggestion, Midoriya!”

Izuku watched warily for a second, and eventually joined Iida in his enthusiastic stretching. See? He’s fine. I was, again, just imagining things. It’s been a crazy week.

But they proceeded to stretch in silence. Iida usually counted out loud for everyone whenever they’d stretch as a class, and when they’d train together, but now, nothing. Izuku shook his head. Just because someone’s not at their usual energy level 24/7 doesn’t mean something’s wrong. Chill out. He’s fine. Totally fine. It’s all in your head. Yup! In your head.

They’d been in many comfortable silences before, but for some reason, this silence was killing him.

Izuku fell back in the grass for some sitting stretches. “S-So, uh, I was thinking. I never got to ask you…” Yeah, good idea, ask him a question! But what? Um…who’s your favorite hero? Wait, no, Izuku! Besides, you can be more creative than that! Something fun. Spontaneous… Oh, perfect! He perked up. “What’s your favorite color?”

More silence.

...Colors. Really? Izuku winced. He couldn’t even bring himself to look at Iida, so he kept his blushing face behind his knees. “Right. Boring question. Sorry.” C’mon, Izuku! C’mon! He racked his brain, feeling panicked. “I-I, w- uh, w-what I meant was- um...y-you like...waffles, right?”

When there was again no response, the freckled teen peeked over his knees to see Iida doing a leg swing stretch with a distant look. It was a stretch meant for both legs, but he continued swinging only one for several seconds...for fifteen seconds. Twenty seconds, same leg. Thirty seconds, same leg, fifty seconds, same leg...

“Leg.” That’s it! Izuku shot up. If there was anything that seemed to bring his friend to the present, it was focusing on this. “Iida! Can you do one of your kicks for me?”

“Ah, what was that?” Iida looked over, eyes alert. “My apologies. You said something about a kick?”

Izuku reached for his notebook. “Yeah! Your flexibility and the agility of your kicks are incredible, especially with that one you did yesterday that you used alongside the power of your Recipro Burst! You know, the one with the whirlwind-like motion. The Turbo Flying Kick, right?”

“I think you’re talking about the Turbo Airborne Helicopter Kick. I named it myself, although I am considering changing it.”

Izuku jotted the name down in his notebook. “Got it! Well, I’ve been working on developing a new kick move of my own since I use my arms most of the time, and I think it'd be a nice change of pace.”

Iida nodded. “That’s a good point.”

“So, even though my kicks'll be different from yours, can I use some of yours as a basis for good kicking technique?”

“Oh. Well, of course I won’t show you all of my cards just yet,” Iida said with a smirk. “But since you’ve already seen this one, I’d be honored to help you where I can!”

Izuku beamed with sparkling eyes at the way Iida seemed to happily come back to the present. He’d been meaning to get tips from him for a while now, anyway, so it was beneficial for them both. “Thanks!” He twirled his pencil with a nod. “Ready when you are!”

“All right! Now! Watch closely. I can do it over, but a keen eye will save time!” Iida said with a chop of his arm as he aligned himself. “You may need to do additional stretching to do it as effectively as I can, but with practice, the precision for your own move will come.” He lifted his leg about a foot off the ground. “So, for this one, before I swing, I turn my leg slightly inward, lean forward, then back a bit, point my toe-"

"Oh, actually, wait! H-Hold on, right there! That stance is… How do you do it?” Izuku beheld Iida’s pose with awe. He’d seen him in action more than once, but seeing the way he transitioned in slower motion as he prepared to kick, and how he stood with seemingly effortless balance brought out his inner fanboy.

“I think that's what I'm missing. I’ve tried before, but I can't seem to get my pre-kick positioning right - probably one of the reasons I can’t nail my kicks yet.” Izuku added a few things to his page before glancing up again, big eyes shining and eager with excitement. “C-Could you...stay like that for a second so I can take note in closer detail?"

Iida blinked but remained perfectly still. "Um. This stance isn’t all that special, in my opinion. But, if it helps you out."

“Cool!” Izuku circled him. “So, I think it’s all in your posture - whoa, your spine is-” He scrutinized his back. “It’s slightly bent, but still straight for the most part, which I’m guessing helps keep your position controlled, yet relaxed enough for fluid movement at the same time. It’d help if I knew how many degrees the curve of your back is right now...” Izuku paused, pencil to his chin. Maybe if I… I really need to learn how to properly measure body angles. Hah. I have no idea what I’m doing, he thought as he moved one hand in an L shape to Iida’s back and ran his other pointer finger lightly up his spine to meet his thumb. Iida moved just slightly at that, barely noticeable, but enough that it tugged the boy from his thoughts. He moved his finger again and got the same reaction. His eyes widened. Oh. Maybe…. He smiled faintly. …a better question.

“Okay, and it feels like here, you’re pretty relaxed, too.” Izuku reached up to squeeze Iida’s shoulders near the base of his neck. All of them had been taught the basics of dealing with muscle tension, pressure points, and massage techniques since starting at U.A., but Midoriya made sure not to use the proper technique, though not so much that it was obvious. His mother had playfully done it to him in a way that would send funny tingles up his neck and down his back countless times growing up, and he’d then do it back to her. “It makes sense that you need to have fairly relaxed arms and shoulders while directing more tension to your core-” Izuku forced away his growing smile at the sound of a small squeak before dropping his hands and peeking his head around to face Iida. “Are you...something wrong?”

“Huh? N-Nothing!” The faintest color was on the blue-haired boy's cheeks, and their eyes met briefly before his gaze flew to the side, the ground, the sky. “I just… You almost finished?”

He moved to Iida’s left. “Well, I kinda just started, but I’ll speed it up! Next, I need to check more of the way your torso’s angled. I don’t know how you keep such a good balance. I don’t think anything could tip you over, even though you’re slightly bent backward and tilted to the side,” Izuku said while gently poking up Iida’s side and rib to outline the way he was curved with way more contact than was necessary, then stopped to jot down absolutely nothing important in his notebook while keeping it out of view before repeating the actions and pretending not to notice Iida’s mild trembling.

That was until the taller boy let out a choked noise and brought his arm up like one would about to cough into the crook of their elbow.

“What are you…?” Oh, the amount of acting skill it took for Izuku to pause with a straight face and look at Iida’s arm that was shielding his mouth. “You okay?”

“I - yes. Just in case I do something...like sneeze, for examp-aha!” Iida burst out laughing and clapped a hand over his mouth as he stumbled away from the hand that had dug into his side with more obvious purpose. “M-Midoriya - wh-what are yoo-!”

“Wait, I need to finish evaluating you!” Izuku grinned as an old, playful boldness surged through him and he followed Iida with his well-aimed poke attack, delighting in the choked giggles he made as he skillfully dodged, or in other words, clumsily staggered back.

Izuku was pulled into a frenzy of poking fingers jumping for tickle spots almost just like when he was little with-

Izuku gasped as he continued. “Hey! For our warm-up, we could have a-”

He almost fell forward at the sudden void and gush of wind, and when he caught his footing and blinked, Iida was way on the other side of the field.

….Oh, shoot. Izuku’s stomach dropped. What was that? What was that?! What am I doing?! What was I thinking? Oh, no, I’m-

Iida was slowly lowering his arms back to his sides with a look that Midoriya could only register as shock on his face. -I’m such an idiot!

Words from the past flooded his mind.

‘I said no. They’re not fun anymore. They’re stupid and lame. They’re for babies, Deku. I’ve grown out of them, and It’s about time you do, too.’

“I-I’m so sorry! I got ahead of myself - I shouldn’t have attacked you like that! I-It’s just that, I didn’t know you were - a-and I wanted to test it out, but I a-also really did wanna look at your- your - I swear - f-for the longest time! Because - so - oh, man - but I just sorta went with it, and-!” Izuku’s arms flew around his head as he rambled frantically, heart pounding. This was Tenya Iida. Iida, who hadn’t moved a muscle on his side of the field, staring back at him, who was silent, furious. Yes, they were friends, but Izuku had crossed an invisible line, and now, he was going to die. He forced himself to stop and looked away as shame blanketed him. “Stupid idea. Things were just kind of...tense. I just thought...”

“Midoriya. You were going to suggest a tickle fight, right?" Izuku snapped his head up to look again at Iida, still on the other side of the field, whose look of shock had been replaced with a straight face. Not angry, just...firm, but neutral. “For training purposes,” Iida added, “is what I assume you meant?”

Yes-! “NO! A -pfft- a what?! Why would I...I-I mean...kind of?” Izuku paused, trying to collect his thoughts. “What I meant to say is… Well…like...f-for a warm-up, we could make it, like...a warm-up fight. Y’know, like the ones we usually have. Except this time, instead of violence...there’s just...tickling…yeah,” he mumbled, hating how shy he felt. “Only if you want to.” You’ve just described a tickle fight, Izuku! Stop embarrassing yourself!

Iida tilted his head with a slight frown. “A warm-up fight like usual. Meaning it’s to be taken just as seriously as any normal warm-up fight, correct?”

“Oh. Uhm.” Izuku was speechless. How was he supposed to answer that? He was currently trying to digest the fact that he was still alive, having this conversation-

“So, what are the rules in this case?”

Izuku’s mind went blank because Iida was still talking to him, now asking about the- “Uh...nothing aside from...whoever says ‘I surrender’ first loses, I guess.” His mouth was moving, on autopilot, while his mind was processing at a snail’s pace.

“All right, then. You ready?”

“Yeah.” Wait, what?!? Deku shook his head, searched for words of question, because was this seriously happening, he’d actually, just like-

“Ahh!” Izuku screeched because he was suddenly off the ground with an arm securing him by the middle while fingers wiggled into his ribs and sides, gentle, but enough to make his screech morph into giggles as he squirmed with his back against the chest of- “I-Iida?! Wahaha! I w-wasn’t reheady!”

“You’ve let your guard down already? How seriously are you taking this?” Iida said, not sounding all that serious as his fingers scribbled and poked over his tummy, which caused Izuku to yelp and jolt so much that Iida lost his grip and the boy crumpled to the ground, rolled away at lightning speed, popped up, and bolted across the field, squealing.

“Trying to outrun me is futile!”

“Wait- wait, you’re not supposed to- ahheee!” Izuku sped up. He didn’t even realize that he’d channeled a bit of One For All in his legs as he dashed, but had done so since Iida was dangerously close on his heels with his engine blazing. A finger grazed his back-

He dove for his destination, a tree trunk, and flew up it, panting between subsiding giggles as Iida looked up at him.

“Midoriya! What are you doing? This is a warm-up fight, not a retreat. Come down!”

“Right! A warm-up fight! Y-You just used your quirk to surprise attack me, and then you used it again just now! No quirks allowed! You’re cheating!” He held tight to the tree’s branches, giddy with adrenaline.

“Oh, really? To be fair, you didn’t mention that in the rules just now.”

Izuku shook his head. “Well…because I thought that went without saying! We never use our quirks during warm-up fights!”

“Hm. That’s true.” Iida put a hand to his chin. “Very well. No quirks, then.”

“Right.”

“So, you coming down?”

“Yeeeah,” Izuku said with a wry smile. “Once you move back!”

“Move back? I wouldn’t dream of it!” Iida was smirking as he circled the tree with lifted arms. “Here, I’ll catch you!”

“No! Just move out of the way!”

“I’m trying to help you out! If I stand back and let you fall to your doom, how heroic would that be?”

“The tree is less than twenty feet high; I’ll be fine!”

“I beg to differ. What if you break your ankle?”

“I’ll take the risk.” When Iida continued to circle the tree, Izuku went silent, still recovering from the sudden change of pace as he tried to better hide in the tree’s leaves, making it harder for the class rep to see him, waiting for the perfect time-

“Ha!” He landed behind Iida, sprang, latched onto his back, and went all out this time on his tickle massage. “I’ll help you out instead! I’ll help you relax!”

“Gah! T-Thihis isn’t rehehelaxing!” Iida’s laughter was partially suppressed as he stumbled around and squeezed Midoriya’s knees that were wrapped around his torso.

“HeheHEY! I’m trying to hehelp yohohou!” Izuku’s legs spasmed in the tickly grip, but his fingers moved to dance around Iida's neck, making his opponent’s snickers escalate, and soon Iida reached up to try catching his fingers.

“Stahhahap trying to stop me! If this isn’t hehelping then-'' Izuku's appendages shot under Iida's exposed arm that was busy reaching for him. “This better?”

“AhahAHAHAHA!” His laughter skyrocketed and he clamped his arm down, but Midoriya kept wiggling. “Pahahah-! NohoHO, NOHOT HEHEHEHELPING!”

“I got you now!” Izuku teased, pleased with the reaction, but also fearing for his life as they zoomed and jolted in dangerously uncoordinated circles. Still, he kept up the attack. “Surrender!”

“Nohoho!” Iida tripped over a small rock and tried to catch his footing, but failed, and they tumbled to the ground, Iida landing on his side and Izuku landing on top of him with a hand still under his arm.

The world swayed and spun around Izuku for a second, but he kept up his assault. “So, yohohou were trying to kill me just then?”

“I-I wahasn’t! Wasn’t trying to ehehend you! I- hahaha!” Izuku had been so caught off guard by his friend’s laughter that he’d unconsciously lessened the pressure of his tickling, but was still pulling out a steady current of pitchy giggles from Iida, and he giggled along with him before Iida’s writhing caused Izuku to topple off him. Iida barely managed to teeter to his back before Izuku shot both hands under his arms again as he kneeled over him.

"Hey, your arms are kind of crushing my hands- now they’re stuck!” he said, tugging at his hands and cheesing mischievously. “Lift them up a little?”

“N-No!” Iida’s words were barely coherent as he squirmed around. “I c-chahan't! Noho, I can’t lihift thehEHEHEM MAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Told you they’re stuck! I’m trying to free them!” Izuku said as he dug and wiggled with more vigor under his arms, making Iida’s snickers shoot up to cackling, and Izuku couldn’t grin wider at his boisterous laughter. “Hey, stop laughing! My hands being stuck isn’t funny! It’s a real issue! Guess I have to get them out myself.” He pried his hands out and smirked as the giggling Iida instantly started rolling away, but Izuku didn’t let him get far before he pounced after him with random attacks at different spots that were exposed as he rolled - pokes and wiggly fingers into his back, digs, and prods into his sides, all while making funny little noises and comments with each moment of contact.

“Pew, in coming - Kprrsh, vroop, woop, boop! Hey, why do you keep rolling? Stay still! Come back!”

“H-Hehehey - nohoho noises - e-embahaharrassing - Mihidoriyahaha, stahahaha - pffft! Ahahaha! C-Cuhut it ohohohout!” Iida cried, his cheeks turning pink from the silly attack that seemed to have effectively overwhelmed him with laughter, and he was soon giggling so much that he stopped rolling to curl instinctively in on himself and weakly bat at Izuku’s hands.

“Finally! It’s a little mean to just roll away from friends like that, y’know! Here comes the landing - wooOOm krrrr!” Izuku laughed while clawing and vibrating all five of his fingers into Iida’s tummy with one hand, and grabbing one of his wrists to try wrestling his arm up with the other, not having too much trouble since most of his strength seemed to be taken captive by his hysterics. Izuku delighted in the frantic laughter and widening eyes Iida gave him as he fought back with the strength of a noodle.

“Nohahaho - wait, y-your hahands are out- t-thehehere’s no neheed t-to - they're ohohohOHOHUT! EEHEHAHAHAHAHA! AAHHA-! NOHOHOHOHO, M-MIDORIYAHAHAHA!”

“Oops, one’s back in now! You know what to say!” Izuku kept his wrist while drilling and poking into his exposed armpit and rib. He recalled how he used to use the same tactic in tickle fights when he was a kid, and he let out a few giggles at Iida’s attempted counterattack with his free arm, but it was weak, and Izuku was undeterred. Wow, he hasn’t said-

“MIHIHIDORIYAHA, ST-STAHAHAP! OKAHAHAY, I GIHIHIVE UP!”

“Oh…” Izuku stopped and pulled his hands back. “Are you okay? You said you give up?” Iida nodded, panting with grass in his hair and his glasses slightly crooked as he finally managed to hold onto Midoriya’s wrists. Maybe it was because his friend’s laughter was music to his ears, or maybe it was because it felt to him like they’d just started, but Izuku felt a pang of sadness. He smiled, nonetheless. “Well, that was a - wo-ah!” He was flipped over on his back and was a pile of flailing limbs and alarmed squeaks as his ribs were attacked.

“I said ‘I give up,’ not ‘I surrender’! It was a risky move, but I didn’t think you’d actually-” Iida snickered. “Midoriya, you actually-? Wa-wahait, you really did forget about your own rules again!”

“Hehehey, nohoho fahahair!” Izuku was too overcome by the vibrating tickles and too shocked by Iida’s lighthearted behavior to respond with anything more. So much for taking this seriously.

He tried scrambling to his feet, but it didn’t work, and they continued attacking each other. They were so invested in their rolling tussle, that the grey clouds and drizzle of rain snuck up on them until faint exploding thunder sounded somewhere in the distance, causing both boys to look up just in time to see a small spurt of lightning coming from the same area.

“Dang it. Todoroki said there was a chance of rain, didn’t he? Why didn’t I check my weather app?” the class rep muttered, letting go of his friend as he stood. Izuku remained in the grass even as the rain steadily picked up. “I think I may have packed a raincoat-”

“Iida? Forget about the rain!” Izuku said, holding Iida’s ankle with both hands, still lying in the grass.

“I can’t, we have to- what are you dohooing - h-hold on, thahahat-”

“It does?” Izuku perked up curiously. He hadn’t really been trying before, but now scribbled his fingers lightly on Iida’s retreating calf with more focus.

Iida jerked his leg with a yelp. “Hehey- no, we should take shelter if we don’t have-!”

“But, Aizawa sensei has us training in the rain all the time! Forget about the rain!”

“But, if we’re in it all the time, w-we’re going to catch a cohold-dahaha!” Iida’s laughter flew out in surprised, giggly waves as Izuku started scratching again with slightly more pressure this time against his calf. He sank back to the ground, tugging at his leg with little success of freeing it since Izuku had moved to hug one of them like a koala bear, weighing it down while some of his fingers weaved gently along the skin between the steel mufflers, causing Iida’s laughter to ring even louder through the atmosphere. The green-haired boy was intrigued.

“Whoa, I didn’t realize this area would be so sensitive! I mean, I’m barely even doing anything, though I guess it makes sense, since so much power comes from here, and there is an incredible amount of heat that generates when your quirk is in use, which probably means the skin here is more vulnerable already, but on second thought, with the adaptation of your quirk, I bet the skin here is probably more fire and overall heat-resistant than the average person’s skin, so, wait, does that mean you have more nerve endings here or less? But, wait, what am I saying? Fewer nerve endings wouldn’t make sense because it’s clear that it tickles a ton now, especially when I move my fingers like this, okay, so would it tickle less or more rightafteryou’veusedyourquirkIwondersohey, maybelaterwecoulddoanexperimenttotestitoutjustforfunbutofcoursethatwouldbecompletelyupto....”

“Gahahahaha! Stahahahap!” Iida tried to sit up and push Midoriya away, but was in stitches and was unable to get him off. He fell back again, twisting his upper body and hugging his stomach while trying not to kick Midoriya with his free leg. “Plehehease, MihiHIDOHORIYA! Stohohohop mumbling - ahagh! StohoHOHOhop muhuhumbling!”

Oops… Izuku snapped out of his musings to realize his nails were still just barely scratching against his leg. He smirked. “Oh. Why?’

“B-Because inhihit i-it t-tihhihi-!”

“I don’t think that reason really makes sense, but…” Midoriya trailed off and experimentally kneaded his calf. “What about this?”

“NoHAHOHAHAHA! W-Wahait M-Mi - DAHAHAHAHAHA!” Iida roared with laughter with each squeeze, twisting around and digging his nails into the grass, trying to drag himself away from Izuku’s devastating tickle hug with little progress.

Izuku grinned. “Cool, I’m guessing that’s a y-eee!” he yelped as he and Iida’s legs were suddenly being swung around in the rainy air. He clung on and squeezed tighter, fingers digging into his calf as he kept slipping and struggled to keep a grip for dear life more than for anything else. “Wait, Iid-aahhh!”

“YAHAHAHEHES, IT-! L-LEHET GAHHAHAHAHAHO - PLHEHEHEHEASE, I-IT TIHIHICKLES MIhihidoHOHOHORI - AHHAHAHAS-STAHAHAHAHAP!” Iida sputtered, mind foggy as he kicked and chopped his arms into the grass and air. He was on an up and down roller coaster that varied in ticklish intensity as Izuku fought to maintain his grip.

“I’m trying- Iida- j-just stop kick-woaah!”

“OKAHAHAY, I - GIIHAHAHAHA! Mihihi, I-I reheheally - sahaha - s-surre- NAHAHAHAHH!!”

There was a muffled thud, a groan, and the tickling feeling in Iida was replaced with dread at the silence.

They both shot into sitting positions at the same time.

“Iida! Are you okay? I’m so-”

“What? No! I was going to ask-”

“-sorry! Did I hurt you?”

“-you the same question! I kicked you off, I’m—”

“No, I’m okay! You didn’t kick me off, actually. I sorta…just freaked out and let go when you screeched like that just then. So, you’re all right?” Izuku asked eagerly, rubbing his head a bit where it hit the grass. “I mean, it sounded like I hurt you. D-Did I scratch you too hard or something?”

“No, Midoriya…you’re fine. It just…” Iida panted with a slightly flushed face, readjusted his glasses, then shivered at the ghost tingles. “…really tickled.” He was incredulous. “A lot. I just never knew.”

Izuku’s shoulders eased. “Oh. Okay. I don’t have to tickle you there if it’s too much.”

“Thank you for checking in,” Iida said after a pause. “But I can handle it. Not that I’d let you get that chance again, anyway, of course.”

A few seconds of silence passed before a bright smirk returned to Izuku's face. “Oh, really-”

“Hey!” Iida shouted, giggling between ‘no’s and making fancy leg dodges while still in the grass like his life depended on it as Izuku made grabs for his leg. And when he did finally manage to catch one again and hug it tight, before he could do anything, Iida shrieked in such an uncharacteristically high pitch that Izuku flew back, rolled around in the grass, and lost it.

“Ohohohoho, man!”

“Midoriya!”

“W-Wait, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I-I just, I mean-” Izuku cried. “Iida, but you just said - you just said - but it was so easy to catch again, a-and your calf - near your mufflers - so ticklish that yo- ahahaha!”

“Midoriya!” His cheeks were glowing bright red, but the traitorous grin that snuck onto Iida’s face wouldn’t leave. He tried to force it down, but nah. It was stuck. "Come on. It wasn't...that funny. I didn’t know you were so cruel!" he said in a playfully dramatic tone.

Izuku gasped in a lungful of air. “Iida, I’m sorry, I thihink I-I’m, I gotta-!” He eventually got himself into a wobbly upright position and began making his way across the field.

“Hey, where are you going?”

“I...!” Izuku wheezed, his words drowned out by the rain and thunder as he kept going.

Then it dawned on Iida that the boy was heading for the tree where their belongings were, and he gasped. “Y-You wouldn't!” he squeaked, but his grin widened as he watched Izuku’s sloppy attempts to keep standing as he dragged himself forward, but he was still laughing so much, he apparently couldn’t do it, and was soon crawling across the field with quaking arms, occasionally tipping over onto an elbow into the muddy grass, pushing himself up as the rain gently pushed him down, and repeating the cycle at a pitiful pace.

Izuku’s determination despite his struggle was apparently such an amusing and endearing sight, that he was more than halfway across the field before Iida finally shot up and slowly started after him.

“Not so slow! Halt! I said halt, villain!" he bellowed.

“No, stay back! I-I hahave to!”

“You do not!”

“I do!”

“Absolutely not!”

“Iidaha!”

“Nope, not up for discussion!”

“O-Okahahay, time out!”

“I don’t think so!”

Izuku finally reached their tree, still on his hands and knees, and grabbed his notebook. "No, stay away! Writing down this valuable info is something I have to— AHH, noo!” he shrieked when wiggling fingernails caught him under the arms, then sides with nimble, highly effective impact. Izuku tried to fight back with his own pokes and prods as he went down, giggling hysterically, but Iida only lightly chuckled. “Iida, plehehease! Lehehet mehehe write it dohohown!”

“If you‘d stop laughing at me, I’m sure you could!” he said, reaching for the notebook with his free hand.

“I cahahan’t behehecause you’re tickling mehee!”

“Hmm, a terrible excuse.”

To Izuku, Iida’s higher-pitched, melodramatic tone of voice made him sound more like the villain, and that paired with the tickling made him even weaker to the point he lost his grip.

“Ah-ha!” Iida held the book in the air, but his victory was short-lived as Izuku tackled him, and their tickle wrestling continued as the rain pelted them, both of them grappling for the upper hand, flailing, grassy, muddy limbs, disheveled hair, both of their shouts clashing.

The notebook had been strewn several feet away from them during their scuffle, and soon, both teens were sluggish and weakened significantly by their endless stream of giggles, but Izuku was affected the most and didn’t put up enough of a fight to evade Iida’s leg that swung over his waist, pinning him and his arms under the leg and to the grass. Iida kept up his attack unhindered.

“Muahahaha-hah! Looks like your dastardly plans have been thwarted, criminal!”

“Nohohoho, Iida!”

“So, was it in your evil agenda to write it down, then create some grand scheme to exploit my weakness and share the details with select villain markets around the world for profit? Hm?” he questioned while the fingers of one of his hands crawled and danced on Izuku’s tummy like he was playing the piano, keeping him a steady ball of laughter as he squirmed around.

“N-Noho, but thahat’s a good ideee-AHHaha! Kidding, kihhidding - noho, I prohohomise!” Izuku cried. “It’ll stahahay between you and meehee! I-I’m sohohorry!”

“Though I question the sincerity of that apology, I’ll accept it for now. Because hearing a declaration of surrender is more what I’m looking for!”

“Nohoho wahahahay!” Izuku would be lying if he said he wasn't enjoying this playful side of his friend. He twisted and squirmed under Iida’s leg and pulled at his arms. “Ahahaha!”

“I see. I'll have to resort to more drastic measures of persuasion, then. So, if you just tell me where you’re most ticklish, it would make your job of surrendering much easier,” Iida said with a smirk. “What do you say?”

“Whahat?!" Izuku squeaked. "I can’t say it! It’s too bad!”

“So, I really haven’t found it yet?”

“Noho!” Izuku’s eyes widened, realizing his mistake. “I m-mehean-”

“Hm.” Iida’s brow furrowed. “So, let’s see, I’ve already tried here. And here, too, right? And here?” Iida gave a flurry of pokes all over his tummy, and a few fingers tried to worm under Izuku’s arms. Fingers jumped and skated along his ears and neck, which made Izuku squeal, and they squeezed up and down his sides, earning yelps and higher-pitched laughter. Iida lightly scratched and pressed along and between Izuku’s ribs as he pretended to count them, massaged and skittered above and under his knees, randomly alternating between places, searching, and somehow Izuku felt even more ticklish than usual as his peals of laughter jumped up and down in volume.

“Looks like this spot’s worse than that one, but not as bad as this one, so not here, either? Oh, sorry, I already checked there multiple times, didn’t I? Okay, so then maybe here, or…?”

“Ii- n-nahaHAHAHAhat! Nahahee n-not ahanywhere! YahAHAha! G-Gonnahaha kill meheehehee - pffft - nahAHAHAHAHHA - T-THEHEHERE!” Izuku burst into shrill hysterics, and he would have smacked a hand over his mouth to stop himself if he could. “THERE! NohohOHOT THEHEHERE!” Iida glanced down to see both his hands had traveled back down to squeeze at his hips.

“Oh! Here?”

“YEHEHEHEHEHES, THEHERE!”

“Yes, here? You’re sure?”

“NAHAAHAHA! YEHEHES, THEHERE! I-IIDAHAHAHAHA!!” Midoriya laughed harder when Iida teasingly spidered against the area, the light feeling like a hundred tickly bugs that he couldn’t escape even as he tried arching his back. "IIDAHAHAA! P-PLEHEHEHEHEHEASE!”

“I wasn’t expecting such enthusiasm, but since you asked so politely!” Iida broke into a mischievous grin as he scribbled and pinched over his hip bones with more purpose.

“N-NOHOT WHAT I MEHEHEHEAN!” Izuku writhed and kicked more under the maddening, focused attack that sent tingly shocks through his whole body. The floodgates broke, and more explosive bubbly laughter and shrieks spilled out. His head fell back into the grass. “NAha - CahahAHAHAHA-! NOHAHAHAHA! WAIT, PLEEHEASE WAHAHAHAHAHAIT!”

Iida pulled his hands back. “You all right?” he asked with concern replacing the playfulness in his eyes.

“Y-Yeah…” It took a moment for Izuku to stop giggling wildly as he blinked down the rain and mirthful tears in his eyes, and looked at Iida. “Wha...what is it?”

“It’s…just that you told me to wait,” Iida reminded him. “Oh, is it my leg? Is it hurting you?” he asked, getting ready to lift it.

“N-No, your leg’s okay. Well, right. I told you to wait... because...because…hey-'' He burst into uncontrollable snickers again when he noticed that his friend’s fingers, still in the air, were slowly curling into claws. “Iida, y-you’re so mehehean - seriously d-dohohon’t! Wahaha - wait!”

“If you’re all right, then why am I waiting, Midoriya…?” Iida asked, now unable to restrain the renewed smirk on his face. “You had me worried there for a second. You weren’t trying to...stall, were you?”

“I don’t... I don’t know!” Izuku held back his laughter, face reddening more as Iida’s hands started to slowly descend, making the giddy terror build in his chest and his squirming intensify, though much weaker since he’d been laughing so much. “Wait! I-I mehehenan, I said wait be-because…!” He fell into a frantic giggle fit again.

“I could wait ‘til you calm down,” Iida suggested with a grin that looked positively evil to Izuku and implied he was enjoying this way too much. Izuku tried a few times, but it was like he’d been bitten by a funny bug, and Iida’s barely wiggling fingers, and the way he was still grinning like crazy with messy hair, gleaming eyes, and mud smeared on his cheek wasn’t helping. “...but it looks like that's unlikely to happen.”

Izuku tried again. “Okahay, okayokay, heehear me out! S-Shouldn’t we be getting out of this rain? I mean - okay - I-I really said wait...‘cuz… it’ll reeheeheally tickle- and I-I mihight - wait - hehear me- Imightactually diiiEEE! IID- AHANOHOHO- NOOHOHOHO! PL- WAIIIAHHHAHAHAHAHA!” Izuku lost it as his hip bones were clawed, and scratched, and kneaded into.

“I couldn’t bear seeing you so tortured anymore!” Iida said, his laughter being drowned out by his friend's hysterics.

Izuku got one of his hands free and tried to reach down and tickle Iida’s leg positioned right below his waist, resulting in Iida jolting it slightly and fighting back with more merciless tickles. But Izuku could see his friend’s joyful expression through partially shut eyes, and for the moment, he was content for it not to end.

...Until he eventually remembered that he needed to breathe. “AHAHAHA!” Through his haze, he’d gotten his other arm free and used both hands to push at Iida’s wrists. “O-OKAHAHAHAHAY, IIDAHAHAHA! I SURRENDER, I SUHUHURREHENDER!”

The tickles stopped, and Iida went still. He was so still, even after several seconds ticked by with nothing but the sound of the rain and very faint thunder, that Izuku glanced up at him again to see his fading smile.

“Hold on. I don’t think I heard you right. Please, come again?”

“I sahaid...I surrender.” Izuku’s giggling and heavy breathing were slowly dying down. There was silence. More silence. He tilted his head.

“Wait, you said, i-if I’m not mistaken, you just said that you surrender. As in, you tap out? You give up? As in, you’re through. A-As in, you...you can’t take it anymore?”

“Well, yeah. Pretty much.” Izuku laughed awkwardly at the odd, intense stare Iida was giving him. “No need to rub it in,” he teased.

“My apologies, I just, it’s just that...that means I?” Iida’s eyes widened, mouth slightly open as he rose to his feet. “That means I won…” he said softly and with a trembling voice. Then his voice grew in volume and higher pitch as he repeated the words. “I won. I actually...I won…!”

Despite himself, Izuku smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, Iida. You really did w-”

“I WON! I! WON! I-I HAVE TRIUMPHED!!” the class rep shouted, dancing around and briefly breaking into the robot, which had Izuku shake his head with an amused smirk. But he let him have the moment. Besides, seeing his friend like this made his own spirits soar even higher. And when Iida abruptly finished his victory moves with an extravagant pose of one arm in the air, and one arm to his chest with a solemn look, Izuku laughed again and leaned back into the grass with the dopiest smile ever.

“Uh-huh. You won.”

That seemed to snap Iida out of his moment. He blinked, then quickly grabbed their water bottles, and handed Izuku his, who gratefully took it. After they drank, they both lay back in the grass and stared up at the roaring sky as the rain further cooled them down.

“I’m sorry,” Iida said. “I didn’t mean to gloat. I suppose I got a bit excited because I’ve just...never won a tickle fight before.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Izuku shook his head and turned it with wide eyes at Iida’s other comment. “But you’ve never won a tickle fight? Really?”

“Yes. Really.” Iida paused. “Well, for the most part, at least. There was less than a handful of times I would win against Tensei, but looking back now, it’s obvious that he let me win those times.” Iida looked over at Midoriya with a furrowed brow. “I was actually ready to surrender, but you stopped. You had the upper hand most of the time. So...you didn’t let me win, did you?”

“Huh? No! Of course not! I had no idea you were going to surrender, but that doesn’t matter. You didn’t, so it was a fair win!” The way Iida’s eyes lit up as a barely contained childlike excitement crossed his features again made Izuku beam. He shook his head. “Well, fair enough, at least. Trust me. I thought I was gonna die. You won fair and square, Iida.”

Iida gave a small nod. “Okay, then. If you’re being truthful.”

They looked to the sky again.

“I know. I was acting like a fool, wasn’t I?”

Izuku looked over again, but Iida’s slightly troubled expression kept him silent.

“When you first suggested the warm-up, I decided to go along with it, with little thought. Though I was a bit caught off guard at first, agreeing felt almost like second nature. I suppose it was because...as I mentioned, I had tickle fights with my brother quite often, a long time ago. We obviously can’t really have them anymore. But they were...this was…”

Oh, him too?

“Fun,” Izuku said, quieting the voice that had shamed him into abandoning that truth for so long. Reuniting with it, and saying it out loud now pulled an unexpected weight off his chest. “It was fun.” Even now, after all this time. “Yeah, we were dumb. We were both acting like total idiots,” he said with a growing smile up at the sky. “And that’s okay.”

“Fun. It’s less of an option, and more of a necessity.” Iida’s voice was barely heard over the steady rain. “That’s what Tensei used to say so often through the years that it should have been a catchphrase of his, and it’s something I’ve agreed with. It’s just that ever since his retirement, hard work and improvement for his sake and others has been all I’ve really been able to think about, especially with the exam coming up. Along with that, my middle school, Soumei, has always been an institution where serious behavior at all times was highly valued, and anything less than that, humor, or even a little playfulness, was considered disgraceful. So, to avoid being looked down on, I’ve developed a habit of suppressing my more fun-loving side. To the point that sometimes, even now, I fail to realize when I need it. So, thank you."

A wave of pain washed over Izuku at his friend’s words. “No. There’s no need to thank me for-”

“Nonsense! As I said, this time, I hadn’t even realized something was wrong, let alone what exactly was bothering me. But considering I now feel immeasurably rejuvenated, it’s clear that weariness had been clinging to me all this time. That’s why your perception, persistence, and incredible insight never fail to amaze me,” the class rep exclaimed while gesturing with his arms. “Brilliant!”

Izuku felt his face warm up. “I don’t know about that… All I really did was...”

“And as humble as always, to top it off…” Iida trailed off. “But I’d expect nothing less from you. Such noble qualities. All of which describe only the greatest of rising heroes.”

Izuku realized the familiar shine in his friend’s eyes was back when the smiling Iida glanced over at him through the sheet of rain, and Izuku suddenly had a lump in his throat and a huge flood of thoughts and emotion that he couldn’t contain.

“W-Well, I could say the same about you!” he blurted. “I-I should be thanking you! I mean, you’re so cool, and you have no idea what y-you... - you helped me -and- yeah, U.A. is kinda strict, too - but you don’t have to hide or suppress any sides of yourself here! What you had to do while at Soumei sounds like it sucked, b-but here, you can be your total self - seriousness and goofiness, and just everything! And - well, at least around me and the rest of our friends - you know how silly we can all be - they’ll accept every part of you just like I do because you’re amazing! Oh, and Kacchan isn’t always super friendly, b-but he’ll come around, too, and even he’ll realize how awesome you are-”

“Thank you, Midoriya. I think you’re right. Heh. Well, perhaps not entirely about Bakugou, but the rest of it.”

“-and, y-you know I really was just kidding about the notebook thing, right? Rip it up if you want! I- well, wait, actually, that one was pretty expensive since I made sure to order it fire and water-resistant this time, ‘cuz of Kacchan - b-but, I won't write anything for real, or tell a soul, I promise! A-And-”

Iida chuckled. “I know.”

Midoriya’s nose was suddenly tingling enough that it caused his vision to blur. …Seriously, Izuku! Don’t cry! What did he do to deserve such a friend? “And...I know not everyone our age still likes them, but if you ever just want to for the heck of it, we can goof off together and have these warm-up...I mean, tickle fights...as many times as you want, okay? I-If you’re ever up for it again.” He twitched with a small smile at the sudden gentle poke to his side.

Iida laughed quietly. “If, I see. You must not be looking forward to me taking you down again, and much quicker next time around. If I don’t die of a cold first. And if you’re ever up for it again, that is.”

Izuku huffed out a tiny laugh of his own. He nudged Iida’s shoulder and rubbed his eye. “Quicker, huh? Don’t count on it.”

——

[swcetnight]

It’s Definitely You || kth (m.) 1

synopsis:

Working as a barista in NYC has its perks, but when your ultimate dream of being on the Broadway stage tends to come crumbling down, the only thing that raises your spirits is the comfort of a complete stranger… who seems to have known you for far longer than you thought.

masterlist here

→ pairing: taehyung x barista!reader (also musical theatre performer cause I had to)

→ genre: fluff, angst, future smut | strangers(ish) to lovers… i won’t give the truth away... gonna have to read and find out for yourself ;))

-> warnings: self doubt, adorable plant names... there's really not many warnings for this chapter!

→ word count: 7,973

authors note:

alrighty everyone... here we go! (i’m so nervous) this is the first chapter of this series (which it took me 50 years to figure out whether I wanted this to be a series or a two shot... lets just say that it's gonna be a long one, so I think that a series is the best way to go)! this story is really near and dear to my heart, so 1. I really hope you enjoy it and 2. I hope all of you know how hard it was to write this into words... my goodness. now, make sure you look for clues throughout this series... there's a secret in here that won't be revealed for a while ;)) but if any of you have ideas, please be sure to send an ask while we wait to find out together! anyways, I hope you enjoy !!

authors thanks:

a HUGE thank you to @hantaev and @monvante for beta-reading and being so so supportive of me and this little (but not so little) story... y'all truly have no idea how helpful you've been and how thankful I am to be friends with both of you! forreal, y'all are the greatest and I'm sending you all my love!!

also, if you are enjoying this story, please don’t hesitate to send me an ask (on or off anon) and let me know your thoughts, feelings, theories, etc!! i would love to hear from all of you 🤍

If time-travel existed, you would be on the first time machine and head back to 2 years ago. A time when you had a free schedule and were able to go out on Friday nights. A time when you felt confident in yourself and were raring to pursue theatre. A time when you didn't have this job (cause apparently, theatre is impossible to get into) that forces you awake at 4 in the morning for the opening shift.

You can't say you don't love your Barista job because you do. Still, when your alarm wakes you from the beautiful dream of performing on the big stage, you have to use everything within yourself to crawl out of your sheet cocoon… and that is unacceptable.

What's even more unacceptable is the fact that your co-worker, Jimin, hasn't arrived at the Academia Cafe yet. You have about 30 minutes to prepare for the morning peak; brew coffees, set up the bakery items, clear the boards "coffee of the day," etc. The problem is, it takes up all of the 30 allotted minutes— and you can't start prepping early because Jimin has the keys to the cafe.

You’ve worked at the Academia Cafe for about a year now, taking a break from your endless theatre audition schedule— since that was getting you absolutely nowhere. No matter how badly you want it, nothing seems to work. No matter how many times you practice, it never seems to be good enough. Let’s just say, you took this job at the cafe because you were over the repetitive let downs.

… But here you are, with a “Jimin being late” let down.

[To: Jimin ☕️] hey, you almost here? times ticking, keys!

You stuff your phone into your winter coat pocket, the brown material catching snowflakes as they fall gently from the cloudy sky. You love this weather; it's always been your favorite. When you were little, you used to pretend to be a dragon; running all over your front yard and releasing heavy breaths that chilled in the air and spread like smoke. You don't enjoy the cold, but the entire feel of winter has you cozying up in a blanket with hot cocoa and a good book… nothing could beat that.

A buzz in your pocket catches your attention.

[From: Jimin ☕️] Hey! Look up.

Your eyes immediately lift to see Jimin smiling a few feet away, shuffling through the snow as he drags the keys out of his pocket. He's sporting a heavy blue coat that reaches down to his knees — making his short stature appear even smaller — topped with a matching blue beanie. Despite his tardiness today, you’ve always been fond of Jimin. He's like a ray of sunshine, beaming through the skyscrapers of the city and making everyone around him happy just by flashing a single smile. Honestly, you wish you could sneak some of that happiness from him and lock it somewhere safe... so you can save it for a time when you need it most.

"Your timing is impeccable." He laughs, gently placing the keys into the front door lock. "You texted me right as I was rounding the corner."

"I'm telling you, Jimin; we're always on the same wavelength."  Smirking, you make your way through the doors of the cafe, greeted by the warmth that surrounds you like your sheet cocoon did this morning, but accompanied by the smell of fresh coffee. "Except for the fact that you, my friend, are late, so now we only have twenty-eight minutes until opening."

Old, rustic book pages litter the cafe's dark walls, executing the dark academia theme flawlessly. You have to give the interior designers a hand, what with the black stools and high dark wood counters etched with different story pages. You wonder if anyone took the time to read the stories that covered the cafe; maybe the stories moved them in a personal way. Maybe there was a reason why they read them, a part of the butterfly effect of their life.

With a quick survey of the main room, you shuffle into the back to put your belongings away. "You would think it would be less busy on the streets because of the snow," Jimin calls, already working on the first batch of light roast coffee. "But unfortunately for me, that was not the case, and I nearly lost my life multiple times on the way here because of how slick it is."

A laugh emits from your lips, echoing in the backroom as you throw your apron over your head.

You begin with date labeling all of the pastry items, placing them accordingly onto the pastry cart; croissants, muffins, scones, etc. Then, you move onto organizing syrups and setting toppings along the bar where drinks are made. Bar is your personal favorite position-- since you're able to make the drinks… Plus, you're so busy that your shift goes by way faster. The sooner you're done, the sooner you get to go home and sleep.

“All set?” Jimin questions when you finish setting the steaming pitchers next to the espresso machine, tossing the rag he used to wipe down tables into the sanitizer bin. You give him a nod, taking a quick once over of the bar. “Alright,” he claps, “let's do this.”

This morning runs like every Friday morning, busy and fast. The sounds of coffee glasses clinking and the calling of customer names at the hand-off station echoes through the air.

Ahhhh, the scenery in coffee shops; the quiet hush over the room as soft jazz plays over the speakers. It’s soothing, all encompassing, and extremely helpful for motivation… You used to go to a local cafe for homework when you were still in school.

You take a breath, relaxing against the back counter as you overhear a conversation a group of regulars are having. It’s the usual small talk: the weather, families, sharing pictures of recent events. Coming up with questions of the day for customers becomes easier after knowing their stories, so you subconsciously listen in often.

Because of this, you almost don't notice the man waiting at the register, wholly delved into the neighboring conversation— only looking over when you hear your name called.

"Y/n?"

You turn your head, catching eyes with the stranger behind the counter who holds his credit card ready. The first thing you notice is that he's young, probably around your age, wearing a brown turtleneck and white slacks. His eyes are dark, standing above his perfectly sculpted nose and lips. His hair is dark as well, forehead drowning within the wavy bangs that fall over his eyebrows as he takes you in. To be completely honest, he's probably the most handsome man you've had the pleasure of seeing… is that weird? You don’t know him… maybe that is weird.

The second thing you notice is that he looks completely anxious, hands grasping the edge of the counter like there's a thousand-foot drop below him. Why is he looking straight at you while doing that? Maybe you should call Jimin to take ove-

“Is it really you?” He questions, taking you aback.

"I-" You clear your throat, walking forward to meet him at the register, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

With an intake of breath, he releases the counter as he studies you. Was he… crying? You swear his eyes were not this bloodshot three seconds ago.

"You-" He pauses, taking another sharp breath and running a hand through his hair. If you thought he couldn't get more attractive, you were wrong. "Do you know me?"

Attractive? Yes. Psycho?...possibly.

You shake your head slightly, “I… I’m sorry. I don't-"

Wait… is he a regular? You swear you haven't seen him come into the cafe before. Shoot.. What if he is? The number one thing your boss has made perfectly clear: remember the regulars, so they come back and feel at home; recognized. Customer connection was the most important thing at the Academia Cafe… He's probably a regular.

“I’m so sorry, there're so many people that come to visit us and sometimes I forget the regulars!” You apologize. “That’s my fault… remind me of your name again?”

He's staring at you. Full-on staring, jaw slacked. Shifting uncomfortably in your keds, you eye beside you to see Jimin working away at a macchiato. You consider changing places, nearly walking over to him before the customer speaks again.

"It's- It's Taehyung."

You force a smile, nodding while he continues to stare at you. He seems a bit more hesitant, his eyes looking in different directions but ultimately falling back onto your own. Even if he tried, he couldn't hide the rosy color that spreads onto his cheeks. What was this guy's problem?

"Taehyung! Awesome, well, what can I get for you today?" You chirp, attempting to brighten up your increasing discomfort. He might have mistook you for someone else, you decide, jumping back into your customer service personality: kind and quick to the point.

Taehyung doesn't move, training his eyes on you. You've never had a man's undivided attention before, since boyfriends were never an option. When you were a teenager, you stayed home most of the time in your hometown, and the boys there were all just in it to take your pants off. You avoided them and never really caught their attention, so you can't help the uncomfortable blush that grows on your cheeks. It’s short lived though, your nerves dissolving as soon as you notice a single tear fall onto the front of his shirt.

Oh. Okay, he’s definitely crying.

"Sir..." You begin, leaning in closer to avoid drawing attention. "Is everything alright?"

"I…" The shake in his voice is evident as he puts his credit card back into his wallet, still refusing to break eye contact. “Excuse me." Without another word, he turns on his heel and rushes towards the exit, clocking a customer in the shoulder in his rush. He apologizes quickly, bowing to them before glancing behind to make eye contact with you once more.

You wish you could read minds, wondering what the hell is going through his brain… but you notice the tiniest gleam of a hopeful smile that hides on his lips.

And then he’s gone.

“I swear it was the strangest thing, Jimin.” You speak nervously, tugging at the strings of your apron and lifting it over your head. It had been busy all day, despite a quick thirty minute break when everyone had left and the cafe was suddenly a deserted island. You appreciated the busyness, it made your shift go by faster. Right now, all you wanted to do was go home, eat a fat bowl of icecream and distract yourself from the events of today with a movie. Thank God your shift was over.

“Maybe he thought you were someone else?” Jimin insists, taking a bite into the extra Blueberry Muffin you’d accidentally heated when you were distracted by the events that occurred earlier.

“Yeah? Well, I must be the spitting image because he was totally freaked out.”

“You never know, y/n. Or, maybe he just used that as an excuse to talk to you.” You could hear the smirk in his voice, throwing your rolled up apron at him harshly before you grab your belongings.

“Ha, ha, you’re hilarious. This guy looked like he had seen his ex… He was crying. I don’t think he was into me.”

“Maybe his eyes were watering from the cold wind?” He offers.

“Enough to cry actual tears?” You scoffed, “C’mon Jimin.”

He shrugs defensively, picking up his things so the two of you can head out a few minutes earlier than usual. Whenever the baristas have a chance to leave early, they take it. “If he comes back, then ask him: hey, dude, what’s your deal?”Jimin works his way through the cafe, throwing an excess chair upside down onto the table with the rest of them.

You hold your hand above your heart, which is still beating at a faster pace due to this discussion. Can hearts even beat this fast? This can’t be healthy… “Oh wow, you have such a way with words. That definitely won’t make him feel uncomfortable!”

Yes. Sarcasm coping mechanism.

“Y/n.” Jimin meets you at the door and puts his hands on your shoulders, making extra sure he has your attention. “Go home. Don’t think too much into it… He was probably high or something and mistook you for his ex that dumped him and now he’s moping through the city and getting into all sorts of trouble and he’ll forget that he even came here tomorrow morning. Okay?”

You nod slowly, exiting the cafe with Jimin on your tail. "Don't worry, y/n." Jimin adds, "He probably won't even come back." He locks the door and gives you one last thumbs up before heading in the opposite direction, calling out at the last second. “See you tomorrow!”

The forced smile on your face appears again (looks like this was a regular occurrence today), waving him goodbye.

Yeah… tomorrow.

Jimin was right. The handsome crying stranger was probably never coming back.

It has been a few weeks since you met him for the first time. Now, it feels like a distant memory. He hadn’t shown up to the cafe the day after the encounter, or the day after that, or the day after that, and eventually you’d come to the conclusion that he was probably never going to show his face again out of pure embarrassment. You can’t say you blame him. You’d be embarrassed too if you stared at and cried over a random stranger.

Still, you couldn't help but feel a twinge of disappointment... You'd kind of hoped you could figure out what his problem was, maybe ease his mind a little if you really did look like a past lover. You would make sure he knew that it wasn't you. What if he was avoiding the cafe because he literally thought you were someone else? Great… now you just feel bad.

"Y/n? Are you listening?" Jimin beckons over the phone.

"Huh? What?" You bounce back to reality, the soft comforter of your bed lying beneath you as you stare out the window. Thanks to your wonderful apartment search, you have a beautiful view of the city. Jimin had helped you find a place when you first moved here. The two of you had met when you visited to check out the first apartment options; he even took you out for a drink afterward to celebrate the first days' completion. Jimin had immediately clicked with you, as he does with everyone-- he was the kind of person to make friends insanely quickly. He must've been super popular in high school... unlike you.

"Y/n Y/l/n. I am giving you a chance to meet more people, and you're not even listening to me!" He cries, a light smack coming from the other end (probably from him slamming his hand on the table).

"Okay, okay-- I'm sorry. I'm listening now; what's up?"

With a deep sigh, he speaks again. "Party. My house. Tonight. It's not gonna be wild, don't worry... it's just a get-together with some of my friends, and you can have a few drinks if you would like to."

Gnawing at your bottom lip, you look over towards the clock on your nightstand. 5:00. "I don't know..." You begin, the bed shifting as you raise into a seated position. "I have to work tomorrow morn-"

"Already got your shift covered." He deadpans.

"What??"

"I already got your shift covered, so you have no excuse."

This sly guy.

"Who covered it?" You question, setting the audio to speaker-phone as you rummage through old text messages you haven't gone through (to prep for your "thank you for covering my shift" text message).

“Jin.” Noted.

“So…” Jimin continues, “are you coming?”

You can't even remember the last time you met new people, let alone gone to a party. Parties weren't necessarily your thing, especially with your busy schedule of workdays and auditions-- you just never had the time. You should be excited, right?

Well, you aren't.

"Jimin, I don't know… I'm not really a huge fan of parties." You mumble over the phone, picking at the lone string that popped out of its stitch on your comforter.

"Y/n, it's a small get-together, and it's not gonna be that kind of party. Believe me; it'll be really chill. It's just me, you, a few other coworkers, and some friends from my journalism class."

You chew at your bottom lip, looking over at your closet to see a single green cocktail dress that you hadn't worn in years. The memory of the dress was a good one… you had just finished up curtain call for The Addams Family and wore that dress to the after-party. It's a short sleeve, layered green dress that flows just over your knees, the same color sash tying the waist in a floppy bow. You blush at the memory of winning best dressed.

A pause, “Okay.” You conclude. “I’ll go.”

Jimin was honest about how chill it would be; soft music plays in the background as the group sits around the table playing cards. A basketball game is playing on the TV, desperate for attention as a player scores a 3-pointer, but no one is watching. Shuffling of cards is the only sound heard in the room as the game continues.

The atmosphere is calm… quiet…

“BULLSHIT.”

The immediate crumble of everyone’s mood causes the loud “HELL YEAH” that makes you jump in your seat.

"And that is how it's done, Ladies and Gentlemen." Jungkook (your fellow coworker) claps, his smile brighter than the sunset that seeps through the curtains on the opposite side of the room.

"And that's on cheating!" Jimin picks up the cards in the center of the table, gathering them clumsily back into a pile.

"It's called having skill," Jungkook replies, holding his hands up as he smirks at his opponents.

"No, it's called luck." Yoongi finalizes as he puts his hand of cards down on the table with a roll of his eyes. You haven’t met Yoongi before until tonight. He’s one of Jimin's friends from Journalism Class.

When you arrived, you decided to sit out of this round and learn to play before joining the game-- knowing you; you would've been crushed within the first minutes of playing. Card games weren’t exactly a skill of yours— board games on the other hand were where it’s at! That, and charades. For the sake of the party, a card game didn’t sound too bad this time around— so you poke at Jimin to give you the hand as he serves cards for everyone else.

“Wait, wait, wait—“ Jimin pauses, his hand disappearing beneath the table to grab his phone. “Hello?”

“I’m not Irish, so does luck really count?” Jungkook questions in a hushed whisper, nudging Yoongi in the side.

“Oh hey...yeah... it’s apartment 205.” Jimin continues.

“You’re so funny, Jk. Maybe you’ll actually become successful if you choose stand-up comedy rather than becoming a musician.” Yoongi replies nonchalantly, his cat-like eyes staring at the abandoned pile of cards before he seems to come to the decision to shuffle them himself. He gives you a small smile when you hold your hand out to signal that you’re joining in this round.

“Mhm, you can just walk on in! Doors unlocked… okay.. alright, see ya in a minute.” When Jimin's phone is down, Yoongi passes a hand of cards to him.

“Think you can beat me, Y/n?” Jungkook asks,”Since apparently these four can’t?” He motions to Yoongi and Jimin, glancing at the other two players of the game: Hoseok (Jimins other classmate) and his girlfriend, Faith.

“I think I can.” You say, smirking at the determined expression on Jungkooks face. Even if you weren’t very fond of card games, there was one thing you were even less fond of: losing.

“Mmm, might want to rethink that, but okay.” Jungkook replies. The two of you are death staring when the sound of the front door creaking open catches the attention of everyone else at the table. Jimin shoots out of his chair.

“Taehyung!”

You freeze.

"You-" He pauses, taking another sharp breath and running a hand through his hair. If you thought he couldn't get more attractive, you were wrong. "Do you know me?"

Attractive? Yes. Psycho?... possibly.

“I’m so sorry, there're so many people that come to visit us and sometimes I forget the regulars!” You apologize. “That’s my fault… remind me of your name again?”

"It's- It's-."

“Taehyung, you just missed me creaming everyone in bullshit.” Jungkook boasts. Your eyes are glued to the side of Jungkook's head, not daring to make eye contact with the source of your nerves the past few weeks.

“Oh did I?” The familiar, deep voice utters.

Okay.. you can’t help but look…

Holy—it’s actually him.

Immediate regret sinks into your soul when you see him. God, he’s even handsomer than you remember. A white woolen sweater hangs over a pair of his black pants, matched with white sneakers and accenting the head of dark wavy hair you’d been thinking about since you last saw him.

“Yep!” Jungkook continues. “And now Y/n’s about to get shitfaced too.”

The moment his eyes swiftly glance your way is the moment you crumble and turn your head back to Jungkook. You had hoped to make a sly remark, something along the lines of “in your dreams,” but you’re caught breathless from the tension in the room. The tension only the two of you are aware of. He must be tense too, right?

“I wouldn’t underestimate her.” You hear out of Taehyung's mouth, stealing a look at his face once more. He’s smirking at Jungkook, hanging his coat on the hook beside yours, oblivious of the way you’re basically dissecting his every move.

“Have you met Y/n?” Jimin questions, provoking Taehyung's eyes to fall back onto yours. This time, you don’t look away.

He doesn’t answer right away, making you more nervous than you should be— the silence deafening as you make to explain, “We-“

“No.” He states plainly, cutting you off. An innocent smile plays on his lips as he looks at Jimin and places his messenger bag beside the door.

No? Uhhh, was he not the guy who pretended to know who you were and cried in front of you without even explaining why? Nope, it’s definitely him.

“I’m Taehyung.” He calls in your direction, offering you a boxy smile and a small nod, “Don’t let Jungkook fool you. A girl pinched him when we were in grade school. He barely lasted five seconds before running away screaming.” Taehyung moved to the table, sitting beside the man he just brutally embarrassed.

“That girl was terrifying. She was way taller than all the other sixth graders. It was an unfair situation.” Jungkook protested, sinking in his chair as he shuffled the cards he held in his hand.

You couldn’t help but stare dumbly at Taehyung. Was he embarrassed of his outburst at the cafe that he just hopes you forgot about him? You guess you didn’t exactly meet each other, other than a few words exchanged before he disappeared out the door. He probably doesn’t want his friends to know about what happened. Or did he not recognize you and completely forgot about the whole ordeal?

Okay, it’s fine… totally fine.

“I’ll have to keep that in mind,” you laugh, “no more coming in late, Jk. Or I’ll have to pinch you.”

Jungkook merely rolls his eyes, taking a sip of his beer. You see the crinkle in Taehyung's eyes as he laughs, the boxy smile taking root on his face again… a smile you’ve begun to enjoy the look of.

Hey. Snap out of it. This guy is so confusing. That’s a red card.

You straighten up in your seat, catching Jimin's attention when you move towards the kitchen, motioning with your hand to signal that you’re getting another drink. You have a feeling you’re gonna need some more alcohol to get through the evening.

Jimins place is clean, every knick knack placed neatly where it belongs; accompanied by the smell of potted plants that he keeps by his windows. Little name tags are attached to the plant stems: Flo, Sprout, Bob. He names his plants. Sweet.

He, like you, has a great view of the city too, a mid-size window perched above his breakfast nook where a small potted plant (quotabley named “bean”) grows. The city is bustling below as you reach for a beer, shrugging off the fact that you hate beer, but at least the taste will distract you from Tae-

“Hey.” You hear a soft voice call from the kitchen archway. When you turn you nearly drop the bottle out of your hand. Taehyung gives you a soft smile.

“Hey! Uh.. did you want a beer, or are you a wine guy?” You question, cringing at how much higher your voice sounds at his close proximity.

“I— Sorry, neither.” He starts, shoving his hands into his pockets as he makes his way around the island. “I uh- I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

You nod slightly, “Yeah of course… what’s up?”

“Um,” he’s nervous, you notice. “I just wanted to apologize about the whole thing at the cafe a few weeks ago.. I was— not in the right state of mind.” He meets your eyes hesitantly, “you just look like someone I know from a long time ago and it kind of.. took me by surprise, I guess.”

Jimin was right. You offer him a smile, shaking your head in disbelief, “You know what, I truly thought that was the reason… It’s totally fine. I’m not who you think I am, by the way.”

A flicker of something crosses his features at your comment, something you can’t quite pick up, but he changes it quickly to a smirk. “Obviously.” He laughs, “I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable.. I’m not weird, I swear.”

“Mmm, that’s what they all say.” You tease.

He laughs, a soft sound that you want to hear over and over again. “You’ve got me there.” He takes a pause, placing his hands on the island countertop. “Let’s start over? If that’s okay? I didn’t want to mention it when I came in because I wanted us to have a fresh start.”

You push down the questioning thought of who this woman he mistook you for was, not wanting to overstep any boundaries. “That’s totally okay.. clean slate?”

“Clean slate.” He finalizes.

“Straightforward,” You add, “I like it.”

He gives you a warm smile, the same edge in the way he looks at you dances in his eyes before he breaks it off, sliding the bottle of beer out of your own hand. “Actually, I think I will have a beer. You don’t seem like a beer drinker, anyway.” He turns quickly, smirking at you before striding out of the room. “Thanks, Y/n!”

Protestations die on your lips as he disappears from the room, your beer along with him. How rude. You can’t help the smile tugging at the corners of your lips as you turn back to the cupboard, skipping the beer and pouring yourself a second glass of wine. You weren’t a beer drinker, after all.

Although you weren’t one for parties, you couldn’t help but admit the fact that you were having a good time. No, a great time. All of you are seated in Jimins living room; a plate of chips sits on the coffee table, which was the hot spot of the night (considering there’s hardly any remaining). Others in the group still have a glass of alcohol in their hands, the tipsiness evident by the slurring of their words. You had stopped yourself after half of your second glass, playing it safe since you still have to walk home after the party. You weren’t much of a drinker anyway-- your family history being the root of this decision.

It isn’t the games that made the night this enjoyable, or the food, or the movie that is currently playing over Jimin's television (which, by the way, is Moulin Rouge, because half of the room enjoys musicals, and the other half enjoys regular movies. So, you decided to settle on a movie musical). None of that matters, except the fact that you’ve never felt this carefree in a long time.

For one night, you can put aside your cafe job, auditions, and never-ending to-do lists and just have fun. Real fun. Even in the audition rooms, it has never been fun for you. It’s been nerve-wracking to a fault and always ends with a “thank you for taking the time, but we’ve decided not to accept you this time around,” or a callback, which ultimately concludes with the same grueling fate.

But this is different.

This is a group of people who genuinely want to spend time with you and get to know you… with no “not this time’s” or open-ended questions.

Especially with Taehyung. You’re surprised at how quickly the two of you seemed to hit it off, despite the awkward introduction. Now, it feels like he’s known you for years… in the best way. You’re comfortable talking to him, chatting together during the movie about the plot points or songs you find specifically endearing. You had initially planned to sit next to Jimin… but ended up next to Taehyung on the couch.

It just happened.

He enjoys musicals as well, you learn. Maybe not as much as you do, but at least he doesn’t despise them. He’s one of Jimin’s friends from their shared art class. He loves the color brown. His favorite food is watermelon. He does illustrations for Jimins journalism projects (which, in your opinion, are exceptional from the photos he showed you during the movie while the others were engulfed in the film). He wishes to pursue traveling journalism, where he draws what he sees rather than taking pictures. His whole aura is warm… like a heated blanket that envelopes you whole when you feel him shift beside you on the sofa. A small reminder that he’s still there.

Okay, you’re liking his presence way too much.

He finds romance movies corny but a guilty pleasure nonetheless. This, the reason why he agreed to watch Moulin Rouge despite the cheesiness in the beginning. In the end, it was anything but cheesy.

"Well, that was stupid." Jungkook scoffs, slamming the remote onto the neighboring loveseats' armrest. The once loud room filled with music is now quiet from the after-effects of the movie.

“I told you it was sad!” Jimin exclaims. The two of you had seen this movie before in theatres… and this was nothing compared to how the ending hit the first time. “Y/N was nearly choking. She was crying so hard when we saw it.”

An immediate blush rises onto your cheeks as you shake your head in defiance, trying to hide the tears that had been stinging your eyes for the last thirty minutes. “Who wouldn’t cry at that??”

“Taehyung probably didn’t. He never cries.” Hoseok deadpans. Ha. You can’t help but remember the tear that ran down his face in the cafe… He never cries?

With a quick look over your shoulder, you find that Taehyung is no longer seated on the couch. When did he get up? You attempt to shrug off your curiosity, pivoting back towards the chip table where only sad little crumbs remain. You were worrying way too much over a man you quite literally just met tonight… even if it felt like you’ve known him for much longer.

Taehyung eventually reappeared, stating that he had to use the bathroom— you ignored the fact that it took him a solid 30 minutes to get back to the party. It wasn’t your place to ask any questions, especially since he lifted a smile onto his face the second he reentered the room. See, y/n… nothing to worry about.

It wasn’t long before you insisted you head home, knowing that you’d curse yourself in the morning if you stayed out past the sunrise. If you did, you’d sleep through tomorrow, and that would be awful. You’ve done this a few times… and every time, you felt like you had wasted an entire year of your life.

You move to grab your purse and jacket, which are hanging comfortably on the hook beside the front door. With a small smile, you bid everyone goodnight— smiling as they resume a card game around the table at one o’clock in the morning. It’s nice to know that the group of you hit it off… now; you can look forward to plenty of get-togethers in the future.

Your mind is bustling with all kinds of ideas: picnics in central park, late-night broadway shows, hangouts at the caf-

“Y/n!” The soft calling of Taehyung's voice causes you to halt near the exit, turning on your heel to see him jogging towards you. He had haphazardly thrown his jacket over him since it’s still being tugged onto his body as he runs. His hair becomes even more chaotic in his haste… Why do you want to run your hands through it?

“Hey!” You squeak, interrupting your thoughts before they trudged down a guilty road. “What are you doing? Weren’t you going to play another round?”

He gives you a smirk, catching his breath as he holds out your house keys. “You forgot these! You were really moving fast… sick of us already?”

“Wh— oh my god, thank you!” With a quick swipe of your hand, you’re stuffing your keys into your pocket with a grateful smile. “Also, hardly.”

You admire the way his eyes light up at your confession. “Well.. since you don’t want to leave us so quickly.. how about I walk you home?” He seems almost hesitant asking, but you can’t help but applaud him for actually taking the initiative to inquire.

You shake your head, pulling the strap of your purse farther up your shoulder. “You don’t have t-“

“I want to!” He cuts you off quickly, catching you by surprise as he moves past you to open the door. He glances back, taking in your reluctant expression, “It’s not safe this time of night Y/n… You shouldn’t be alone.“

You know he didn't mean anything by that statement… But the idea of someone genuinely caring and not wanting you to be alone makes your heart swell. Jimin cares about your safety of course, but this feels… Different.

This is the reason why you allow him to walk you home.

The snow crunches beneath your feet, like a symphony that beckons you home. You’ve been feeling exhaustion seeping into your bones for the last ten minutes, but Taehyung's occasional brush of his arm as he walks beside you keeps you wide awake. He doesn’t think to apologize for accidentally touching you, but you blame it on the time of night. Delusion.

“How long have you lived in New York?” You question, wrapping your coat tighter around you to kick out the nipping air.

“About a year now,” He responds, shuffling his feet, “though it feels like way longer. You?”

“Three years.”

Taehyung turns his head towards you, eyes wide. “Wow, way to one up me.” With a teasing smile he continues, “You must know this city like the back of your hand.”

The truth is… you don’t. You came here for the sole purpose of making it on Broadway... you never really took the time to focus on anything else. Part of you wishes you had learned more, craved more, wanted more with your life—then you wouldn’t be so miserable when the one thing you do want doesn’t work out. “Yeah… kind of.”

If he hears the somber tone of your voice, he ignores it, turning against the wind as he walks backwards down the sidewalk. “It’s overrated in my opinion.”

You raise your head at this, “Why is that?”

“Everyone here has dreams… and those dreams get crushed more often than not.” He shrugs, “No one cares if you want to succeed, only if you already have.”

You stare at him for a moment, awestruck by the weight of his words. “But,” he adds, turning back towards the wind, “the ones who never give up and continue to chase that dream can become successful. Despite all of the no’s they might face, they always hold on till they hear a yes. That sounds like true success to me.”

Turning your head, you stare at the side of his face— admiring the way his hair tosses back a bit against the harsh winter winds. His words hit you way deeper than he probably realized, sinking into your chest with an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. You’ve been contemplating recently on whether or not to give up on your dream… that maybe it just wasn’t going to work out for you. You have been trying for so long, and have repeatedly been let down. There was no way Taehyung could have known, which is why his words hit you as hard as they did. Despite the hardships, you’ve been here for three years and you’ve never given up or stopped trying to chase your dream.

That was an achievement, right?

“To be honest… I've heard a lot of no’s in my three years of being here.” You speak softly, tucking a fallen strand of hair behind your ear. “Sometimes it feels like there will never be a yes… but here I am. At least I'm still working— at a coffee shop, not on the stage.���

“It’s admirable that you keep going.” Taehyung glances at you over his shoulder. “It makes you different from a lot of people who have left the city when they faced failure. It’s something to be proud of. Plus, coffee shop or big stage, you’re in New York City and pursuing your gift. It’s special.”

When your eyes meet, you smile at him, feeling a sense of victory the longer you hold his gaze.

“Don’t give up, Y/n. No matter what.” He speaks genuinely, leaning towards you to nudge you gently on your shoulder. You can’t help but laugh at his playfulness, giving him a nudge in return before your eyes downcast to your winter boots. The snow on the ground is fresh, powdery and sticking to the toes of your shoes. “Plus,” He adds, sucking in the chilly air, “you've got what others don’t have…”

This time when you meet his eye he has a serious expression, making sure he has your full attention as you round the corner towards your apartment building. His gaze is genuine, captivating… and a part of you hopes that the close proximity of your apartment wouldn’t cut this moment short. Finally, he speaks.

“You have passion.”

Taehyung's words weigh on you for the rest of your night. It started off as something simple, looking up audition songs for an upcoming off-broadway show your agent was telling you about. Then, you went to learning it. After that, putting on makeup. And finally, completely forgetting about your sleep schedule and filming an entire audition tape in your room at 2 in the morning (and you were belting… your poor neighbors). It wasn’t until four that you finally turned in for the night, not bothering to take off your makeup or get changed-- simply falling onto your pillow and blacking out the moment you hit it. You were definitely sleeping the next day away… but at that moment, you didn’t mind. Having a day off from your busy schedule wouldn’t be so bad.

“I sent in an audition tape two nights ago.” You speak confidently, wiping down the back counter that’s littered with coffee grounds. They stick to the rag like glue, tiny dots scattered along its white surface. If it weren’t for your apron,

and your expertly rolled up white turtleneck sweater, you would look alot like this rag right now.

“Did you?” Jimin questions from the bar, sleeving the cup before placing it on the handoff counter.

“Christopher! Medium cappuccino!” He calls, multitasking while he cranes his neck to still hear you.

“I did. I feel really good about this one..” You add, meeting him beside the bar as he lifts the pitcher up and down to create the latte-art of a flower in the center of the mug. You have tried sooooo many times to make latte art… and every time it ended up looking like a glob. A big, distorted snowball. Jimin was the master of latte art, always finishing it off beautifully with a whip of his wrist. The foam atop telling a story. “It was so late-- I was totally out of it… and yet I actually enjoyed myself while filming it. I just imagined being there.. In center stage.”

“I’m happy for you, Y/n!” He smiles, turning to place the hot mug next to the cappuccino.

“Caleb! Medium caramel latte!”

He was only half listening to you. The cafe was bustling, so it truly wasn’t Jimin's fault that he was sidetracked— but nothing could hold back the small smile that played at the edge of your lips. You had actually enjoyed singing for the first time in a while.. all because of Taehyung's Academy Award winning pep talk. Who knew that all you needed was for someone to tell you like it is. With a minuscule smile, you turn back towards the counter and lift the latte you’d whipped up this morning to your lips. Your distorted snowball is fully on display at the top.

Despite the busyness, the front register is deserted, giving you time to think for a moment about the pep talk... or rather, the person who gave you it.

“I think Taehyung likes you.” Jimin deadpans.

Uhhh… You nearly spit out your snowball at that— clearing your throat as you set it down slowly onto the wooden countertop. He speaks as if this is a natural conversation starter… it’s not.

“I’m sorry?” You croak.

“Taehyung.” He repeats, turning his head in your direction with a knowing smirk. “I think he likes you.”

You give him a scoff of disbelief, watching as yet another group of regulars enter through the door. “That’s not true, he just doesn’t know me… so he made an effort to talk to me.” If you weren’t studying the group, you would've seen Jimin giving you a scrutinized look.

So, now you have his attention.

“Y/n. It’s so obvious… He spent the entire night talking to you, he left moments after you did to give you your keys and he never came back. If that isn’t someone who’s interested, I don’t know what is.” Jimin is an expert at multitasking, finishing off two drinks at the same time and calling them out.

“Well, Jimin, when people don’t know each other, they get to know each other. It’s this thing called talking and becoming friends.” The sentence hangs in the air as the doorbell chimes, signaling that yet another customer has entered the cafe and into the swarm of regulars, but the two of you disregard the sound and continue on through your bickering.

“I’m just saying, Taehyung doesn’t usually talk to girls.” Jimin adds, wiping his hands off on the white rag seated beneath his espresso machine. “Even if they wanted his attention, he didn’t give it to them. I mean— he’s nice to girls, don’t get me wrong.. but he’s never talked to them like he did with you on game night. I don’t think he’s dated anyone since he got here.”

“He’s career driven.” You say quickly.

If you thought his smirk couldn’t get any wider, you were wrong. “Yeah, girls don’t know that about him— meaning he told you, and not other girls.” Jimin deadpans.

You stare blankly at him. There’s no way. No way that a guy as attractive as Taehyung would even think about looking at you like that. There’s just no way. You’ve never had a boyfriend... or even a guy friend, until Jimin. Eventually, you’d accepted the fact that maybe you just weren’t that interesting. Maybe you weren’t pretty enough. Maybe you couldn’t flirt…. okay, you definitely couldn’t flirt— but that’s besides the point.

“He’s not interested in me.” You conclude.

“He is.” Jimin counters.

“He’s not.”

“He so is.”

“He’s so not.”

“Y/n. I swear to you. He’s interested and you need to shoot your shot.” He whisper-screams, throwing the rag in his hand onto the bar.

“Taehyung is not-“

A clearing of someone’s throat from beyond the register cuts your argument short, nearly making you lose your balance when you see who the source was.

You’re fairly certain you’ve turned pale.

Taehyung stands in front of you, eyeing between the two of you with an awkward expression. God, how long has he been standing there? “I figured I should step in before the two of you start fist fighting.”

“Hey!” The shrill of your voice causes you to wince.

“Hey.” He says with a smile, folding his arms in front of him and raising his eyes to the menu above your head. You can’t help the glare you send towards Jimin, who's notably holding back his laughter as he moves to the blender, the station farthest from the register. Ridiculous.

“What can we get for you?” You ask routinely, trying not to make it obvious that you were just talking about him… and praying that he wasn’t there to hear what the two of you were talking about.

“Hmm…” He looks especially good today, wearing a brown, long coat and a brown plaid scarf around his neck. He wasn’t kidding when he said his favorite color was brown, that’s for sure. It suits him. His hair is wavy, flowing to a point just under his eyebrows with a split off center, giving you the tiniest glimpse of his forehead. “How about an americano with hazelnut, and some cream?”

“We can do that for ya!” You have to force yourself to stop looking at him, pressing the buttons to ring up his order before you forget. You nearly overlook ringing up the hazelnut syrup. Why were you so dazed? He’s already placed his credit card into the chip reader, but your foggy brain asks anyway. “Anything else?”

“Yes, actually.” He speaks as you move towards the bar beside the register. Grabbing an empty pitcher, you pour the milk inside and reach for the steamer. He drops a dollar into the tip jar, not giving you enough time to thank him for the unnecessary effort before he speaks again. “Are you free later?”

NEXT CHAPTER

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