#I only had it this past week but anything I’ve seen from early 2023 feels like it was a distant memory and then there’s just. nothing

[samuraisharkie]

*homer simpson voice* Marge I think I have brain damage

[inkofamethyst]

February 10, 2023

UM.  GOOD NEWS KINDA?  NOT THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT STILL MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY?

First, the update on my Choice B was not at all what I was expecting it to be.  Not gonna say what it was necessarily bc it’s a lil gossipy uhm and also it’s not influencing the decision I made about that school a week ago.

Second, got the official acceptance from my Choice A (bottom choice/“safety”) which means I can officially reject their offer but like,,,,, that makes me feel kinda mean.  I don’t know for sure where I’m going but I know it ain’t gon be there.  Part of me wants to reject them right away, rip the band-aid off, so to speak, but idk another part of me wants to also write a lil note to the potential advisor being like “hey I appreciate your time and consideration but... idk but after assessing this offer it’s not for me” or something.  Something a little less impersonal than a rejection of their acceptance (which they may already see coming.. idk).

Third, the good news (kinda).  Had that chat with the potential advisor at my Choice E (that crazy good school that literally checks almost all of my boxes, more than any other program (but bc it’s so good I figured it was kind of a long shot for multiple reasons (as a result my parents and I decided early on that we would not tell my grandparents that I was even applying because it’s the only name they’d recognize instantly and they’d never let me live it down.  To my grandparents, I applied to six schools, not seven, and they will only learn of the seventh (Choice E) if I’m accepted and choose to go lol))) and... I mean he starts off the meeting by telling me that I’m his top candidate and that he really wants me to come work with him, and while acceptances have not yet been finalized, he’s fightin for me.  For me.  He said he’d read over my app multiple times (for all of January I felt like there were so many ways I could’ve improved it ha) and besides being impressed by the accomplishments (which to me seemed maybe only just slightly above average? an REU, a national conference poster, a few scattered research experiences, but no real publications, no research with matching methods, no senior thesis, no awards (partly bc I’ve gone all my life being nominated for awards without me doing anything, but at my giant school you have to nominate yourself for any and everything and ain’t nobody got time for that)), he said he really connected with my story.  And then he just sort of talks for an hour in a clear effort to both sell the program to me but also to show how proud he is of it and why he thinks it would be a good fit for me and my guy probably could’ve gone on for another half hour but I had another meeting immediately after and then he sent me a followup email asking if I’d be down to keep chatting.  And of course I say yes bc why not.  I feel desired by one of the top institutions in the world and the guy who I would be working with seems so down-to-earth and humble despite his position and wants to work and learn with me.  Forget about my Choice B, Choice E is The Place to Be.

And I know.  I am so thankful to be in a position where I already have multiple good offers in case this one doesn’t work out.  I know even making it to the final round is a huge accomplishment.  I know that there’s a possibility I may not get past this stage for reasons outside of my control.  I understand all of that and have tried to minimize my emotional investment, just in case.  But after today?  I definitely do feel even just a little bit more invested.  I’m so close.  This is not what I expected from that meeting at all.  Neither of today’s meetings went as expected.

Today I’m thankful for academic validation lol.  I’m thankful that I got to hang out with my photo-friend this evening.  Thankful for the really good comedy show we got to see tonight.  Literally the best comedy I’ve seen at this school since freshman year (maybe my photo-friend is a good luck charm for good comedy, because freshman year was the last time we went to see a comedy show together and I haven’t been satisfied by a comedy show since).  Thankful for women of color who look out for each other.

[edit, next morning: oh and apparently the guy who I had the weird interview with last week wrote a “glowing review” about our chat, so uh there’s that]

[edit 2, next evening: apparently I was supposed to have two interviews from Choice E, and the second person emailed me on a literal saturday morning but it’s not like I do anything particularly special on saturdays so I met with her a few hours after and it went well!  better than the other one lol (I think I just got antisocial academic vibes from that guy).  learned quite a bit about the program, so if I get in I feel like I’d just need to reach out to grad students to get the full picture.  Also btw I’m still runnin on a bit of a high from yesterday’s revelations :D  The urge to do a conciliatory Depop spree has subsided and in its place has quickly risen the urge to do a congratulatory Depop spree (which, tbh, getting a bunch of offers in a week deserves a bit more celebratory hoopla, I think.)]

[edit 3, an hour or so after edit 2: (at this point I should’ve just made a whole nother post for 2/11 but eh) I don’t really consider myself a person who thirsts after celebrities, I don’t watch fancams, uh, but The dvcree Pedro Pascal Edit is really well done and I kinda do love how it’s invaded my side of tiktok.  Haven’t seen The Mandalorian (not a Star Wars person), haven’t yet started The Last of Us (will in a few weeks I think), but I have seen Kingsmen 2 (and 1) and it was enjoyable (1 was really good).  k I’m done with this post I promise (also these “edits” fully could’ve been reblogs, but)]

[mercuryytheraven]

Since I've seen many posts about people missing how common asks used to be, I have been trying to send to more asks to engage more. I really don't want to bother anyone though so I'd love to know if you enjoy receiving asks and if so what kind of asks. Detailed? Vague? Work? Fandom? Movies? Books? Childhood? Gardening? Thoughts? OTPs? OCs? I'm sure there are way more categories, I'm not limiting you to these listed options. Perhaps if it's an easier question what types of asks do you not like?

Hello lovely!!

I really appreciate you asking this haha - while I thiiink you’re the only one I’ve really gotten asks from, I always enjoy hearing from you!

Kind of tangentially, I’ve been a bit stuck in my own little shell over here and would love to branch out and talk to more people. I’m still learning about tumblr culture (you can probably tell I saw the post about reblogging more recently when I went had a comparatively massive reblogging spree the other day) and I’m trying to figure out the balance between my own work and thoughts on my blog and others’. That’s been halted a bit by school these past few weeks but spring break is coming up and I’m excited to get to engage in my hobbies a bit more, and hopefully do some posting!

I adore talking to people about my fandoms but my engagement in most unfortunately changes on a whim haha… BBC Sherlock has been a very consistent one since I got into it in early 2023, and I’ll always love talking about those goofballs >:D I also enjoy the Warriors universe but I’m not up to date on any of the current books ^^ I’ve been meaning to write up a nice intro post, I can use that as a log of all of the stuff I’m into at any given point if that would be helpful! Also if you have any media recs, feel free to throw them at me! I’m compiling a list of things I want to watch in the future and I’d love suggestions! Esp. anything with queer rep/somewhat founded queer headcanons :D

Uhh general thoughts:: If you have OCs please infodump about them to me, I love hearing about other people’s characters >:3 and I love to talk about writing/drawing, it really inspires me to hear about other people creating stuff so that’s very welcome! Also whether you’re just sharing random thoughts or you need a virtual hug, anything- I gotchu! Really the only thing I don’t want to see is trolls but they’ll send asks regardless of what I say here lol.

I hereby extend you the same questions - what kinds of asks do you enjoy? Which would you pass on? I’d love to talk more, and some guidelines can definitely be helpful :D

[jackdawyt]

With Dragon Age 4 still quite a few years away, given it's expected 2022-2023 release window. I've been reflecting and thinking retrospectively about how long Dragon Age 4 has actually been in development. And so, with that question, here I am on a quest to try and answer it.  

This investigation has been put together for the betterment of everyone in the BioWare community, including myself, plaguing the developers with infinite questions regarding what’s next for Dragon Age and when will we hear something about the next game.  

If we, as a community, can understand at which point BioWare are with the development of the next Dragon Age, then perhaps we’ll have more grace and patience as we support the developers with their hard work and dedication to creating the next game.  

We’d have some appreciation, all the while garnering an understanding of how long this game has left in development.  Yes, for our sakes, but also for BioWare’s sake. We need to see if EA are giving the Dragon Age team enough time for them to create the Dragon Age game they want to make, and nothing short of that.  

And that’s exactly what I want to uncover in this video. With that, let’s begin. it's no secret that the next Dragon Age game has already had quite the tumultuous time in its early stages of production:

The previous iteration known as 'Joplin' was canned and has been rebooted for 'live service elements'.

The Creative Director and 14-year BioWare Veteran Mike Laidlaw left the studio, along with his vision for the next Dragon Age game.  

Shortly after that, the Lead Writer and 17-year BioWare Veteran David Gaider left the studio to pursue other games design avenues.  

Not to mention the anxiety and panic attacks the developers faced ensuing Anthem's development.  

Although all of these factors point to disaster and worry, and they can lead to mixed feelings about the next game in production, I can assure you that there's still plenty confidence and hope for the next iteration of Dragon Age 4:

The developers working on the next Dragon Age game are creating the next with "an eye to what the fans love about Dragon Age, which is easy because they love Dragon Age."

The Creative Director of 'Morrison', the latest iteration is Matthew Goldman, the previous Art Director of Dragon Age: Inquisition.  

Plenty of BioWare Veterans are still in the studio, working on the next Dragon Age title such as Patrick Weekes (15 years), John Epler (13 years), Caroline Livingstone (12 years), Mary Kirby (13 years), Graham Scott (13 years), Mark Darrah (23 years?), Parrish Ley (14 years), Lucas Krisjanson (22 years), and many more legacy developers!  

There's been signs of improvement within the working conditions at BioWare, Casey Hudson personally has been getting involved with solving these issues. I've seen a few developers sharing tweets that they're enjoying working at BioWare, and they're eager to share more on the next Dragon Age game. I'll share even more on this topic in my next news video coming end of May! But it seems that the developers are staying on top, and positive for the next Dragon Age.  

Regardless, I'll take any chance I can get to inspire folks that the next Dragon Age game is in the right hands and BioWare are aware of what the fans expect from them. Let's move on to the main investigation of this video, to examine the next Dragon Age game’s development process.  

Ironically, the next game hasn't officially been announced, according to many of the developers at BioWare, yet EA have already given the project an initial release window of 2022-2023. One of the main questions I want to answer by the end of this video is, do BioWare have enough time to create an epic Dragon Age game, with that strict deadline mandated by EA?

Well, in order to answer that question and understand the production stages the game is currently at, I'm going to have to begin at the start by revisiting Jason Schreier's "The Past & Present Of Dragon Age", which I know we've talked about a lot, but it's the biggest indicator on Dragon Age 4's development. So, here we go.  

2015:

Following Dragon Age: Inquisition's Trespasser DLC release in 2015, Dragon Age 4's previous iteration began its very early stages of production. The plans for the next game were very exciting, and some of the developers had put their best work into it.  

The project was called 'Joplin' and it would've centred on spies embarking on heists in Tevinter, smaller in scale then Inquisition, however, much further in depth, choices and consequences. And there was an emphasis on repeat play, having the player's visit previous areas again, with new content.

2016:

However, the first major bump in the road occurred in 2016, one year after development had started. Mass Effect: Andromeda required all hands-on deck, and so many members of the Dragon Age team were moved to work on Andromeda, they're even mentioned in the credits of Andromeda as the 'Dragon Age Finaling Team.'

2017:

After Andromeda's release in March 2017, it was back to working on 'Joplin' for the majority of the shifted developers. For some developers, it was refreshing to get back to working on the next Dragon Age. However, it wasn't long before BioWare's next releasing title - Anthem was suffering through development troubles. By the latter half of 2017, Anthem was in real trouble, and so EA took drastic action.  

In October, 2017, EA cancelled Joplin's development and moved the bulk of the project's staff onto Anthem. With two years of development on a project that will never see the light of day, Mike Laidlaw departed BioWare that same month.  

Alexis Kennedy was previously working on 'Joplin' too, however, according to his LinkedIn profile, he left the project in October too. It seems his work only extended to 'Joplin' and will most likely be scrapped as well.

Towards the end of 2017, as the majority of "Joplin's" core team went to work on Anthem, a very small skeleton team stuck around to work on a brand-new Dragon Age project under the new title 'Morrison.'  This team will have consistent of developers like Patrick Weekes, who was anointed the role of Lead Writer since David Gaider departed. Other key developers working on the foundations of 'Morrison' in 2017 included: John Epler, Matthew Goldman, Daniel Kading, Matt Rhodes and many other talented designers.

It's unknown how much of "Joplin's" previous work will make its way into 'Morrison', surely a project with production escalating over two years would have some worthy elements that could be added to 'Morrison'

As it stands, we don't know if the games will share the same vision, or if any of the same key mechanics, concepts, story threads, etc, have made their way into Morrison.  

All that is known about 'Morrison' is that the game has been rebooted with Anthem's codebase, so the developers aren't starting from complete scratch, they'll have somewhat of a preset of the Frostbite engine that can act as Dragon Age 4's very foundations. However, unlike Joplin, this new version of the fourth Dragon Age is planned with a live service component, built for long-term gameplay and revenue.

A few developers working on 'Morrison' stated that this game will change drastically in the next two years, however, that's been the case with every Dragon Age game. The point is that the project will take many different shapes until it feels like a Dragon Age game.  

2018:

So, we know that this project reboot happened around the end of 2017, with a very small skeleton team going forward following a slightly new approach, and a new Creative Director. This is the new Dragon Age 4 that was later teased at The Game Awards in 2018. However, unbenounced to us at the time, we didn't know the game was rebooted, and therefore, as fans do, we presumed that this title would release soon.  

In actuality, when 'The Dread Wolf Rises' teaser dropped, the new iteration of Dragon Age 4 had only been in very early development with a small team for about a year, hence why we still haven't heard, or seen anything of this project since. the game's production stages had barely started.

Not only that, but the teaser wasn’t supposed to act as an announcement, but more of a message to the fans that something is happening with Dragon Age.  

2019:

Anthem shipped in February, 2019, and following its release, the Dragon Age developers who were shuffled to the Anthem team back in 2017, then went back to the new iteration of Dragon Age in May of 2019, including the Executive Producer, Mark Darrah.  

The Dragon Age team; fully operational with all hands-on deck, could begin to wrap up its pre-production stages, and start production development. We discovered a few key production stages last year in my massive 2019 news roundup, things like voice acting, concept art, and potential 3D models.

Fernando Melo left the studio in August of 2019, stating that his work of “guiding the team through EA’s concept and early production phases” had been complete, and he felt it was the least messy time to leave the company. This proves that indeed; the title has begun production stages.  

2020:

With that, we can safely say that Dragon Age 4's production has continually increased, as the project makes its way through many core development stages.  

To this date, the game has recently had script readings for scenes, some of them being romance moments. Animations for a dog-like companion. Something about coding 'Scriplets' and plenty more of tidbits, that if you're interested be sure to check out my latest news video.

Conclusions:  

So, in an attempt to work out how long Dragon Age 4 has been in development... If we do some quick maths, it seems that project 'Joplin' was in development for around two years, between 2015 - 2017.

Therefore, project 'Morrison' has been in development for around 3 years, given that it started in 2017 - present.  

However, from late 2017 to early 2019. the work on 'Morrison' was pre-production. The main production stages began in May 2019.

So, 'Morrison' has been in pre-production for approximately 18 months, with the production stages starting around a year ago, in May 2019.

With its release window of 2022-2023, can BioWare successfully create an epic Dragon Age title? Is this enough time for the developers to create the best Dragon Age possible?  

Well, I'm not one to leave you with rhetorical questions. If we look at Dragon Age: Inquisition's development, a game that I'd consider to be a Dragon Age epic, that served the fans supremely well.

In a 2014 interview with Mike Laidlaw, conducted by UK newspaper The Guardian:

Dragon Age: Inquisition's production had been about three years, but taking in the early concepting, it would be four years. As studio general manager Aaryn Flynn kindly pointed out, that’s about 10% of Mike's life.

If we go by that measure, 'Morrison' with 18 months of pre-production and one year of full production, and two to three years of development left before an initial release window.... it sounds quite plausible that BioWare could pull this off. 

Although BioWare have their work cut out for them, I have hope that they can deliver an amazing Dragon Age game dedicated to the fans. With plenty of time spent on the pre-production stages, hopefully the team has learned from Anthem and Andromeda's rough early stages, and they've conceptualised the development enough, that production can carry on at ease.  

And regarding Joplin's two years of previous work, I hope that at least some aspects of that project's production went into 'Morrison', the core concept alone sounded like it could've been the best Dragon Age game to date, and with so many developers pouring in some of their best work, I truly hope that it all hasn't been canned and it can make its way into the next Dragon Age game.  

Regardless, I have a news update in the works for the end of May as I mentioned before, there's still plenty of tidbits coming out, and as I stated in my Tinfoil Tea Party podcast, I'll be doing news videos before the first of every month when we have enough, well news... In April, we got a fair bit, but May has been epic so far. So, stay tuned for that!

[camillemontespan]

the history of us [drake x camille] [part three: 11th July- make it up to her]

Part Two  if you want to catch up.

Warnings: NSFW. Feelings.

@jovialyouthmusic @pug-bitch @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @sirbeepsalot @moonlightgem7 @dcbbw @notoriouscs @emceesynonymroll @burnsoslow @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @sawyeroakleyscowboyhat @iplaydrake @drakewalkerisreal @moneyfordiamonds @cordoniasmost @gardeningourmet @katedrakeohd @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @rainbowsinthestorm @drakesensworld @ccolz88-blog

Drake sat on the sofa two hours after opening Camille’s diary.  He felt numb; so numb. He hadn’t realised Camille kept a diary and documented everything so religiously. He was seeing himself from her eyes and the view was not pretty. Sure, they had had amazing moments the past four months, but a lot of it had been.. dark. 

He was knocked out of his overthinking by Olive. The corgi nudged Drake’s leg, asking for attention. Olive adored Drake. Maybe it because he always fed her more dog treats than he should, or maybe it was because Olive just loved being around humans, but she always followed Drake everywhere. 

Cheddar was more of Camille’s dog; Olive was Drake’s. 

Drake picked her up and she settled down on his lap, licking his fingers. ‘I’ve fucked up, Olive,’ he whispered, stroking her ears. Olive looked up at him. He swore she had a sad look in her eyes. 

‘Let’s watch some TV, huh?’ he suggested. He turned the TV on and as usual, it settled on the news. Drake swiftly turned it over to a chat show. It was a panel of women who were drinking cocktails and cackling. 

Well, it was better than the news who always reported on Drake and Camille.

The women sipped their cocktails. ‘So,’ one of them said, ‘the Duke and Duchess of Valtoria. What do we think is going on there ladies?’

A brunette downed her drink and leaned forward. ‘If I speak candidly,’ she said loudly, ‘I think there’s been trouble in paradise for some time. Have you seen those paparazzi pictures whenever they’re out together? They look so withdrawn from each other. Bear in mind, only last year photos always showed them holding hands and smiling at each other. Now, it’s different.’

Drake smirked. What did this bitch know? Sometimes, photos were taken when they weren’t smiling - that was normal. Nobody was happy 24/7. 

The blonde panel member spoke up. ‘I know what you mean. It’s like their chemistry is off. Then we have Camille attending royal events alone.’

‘That is the red flag right there,’ another of the witches piped up. ‘She gets all dressed up for these events, sometimes has Lily with her, but never Drake. They used to be inseparable.’

Drake had to turn it off. He couldn’t take any more of their theories and venom. They were discussing his private life on national TV over fucking cocktails. What show was this? He brought up the information screen. 

‘Cocktails in Cordonia.’ What trash. 

Drake sighed and glanced at Camille’s diary. He needed to read more, as she wanted. He didn’t know what she was hoping to achieve. Make him feel shit?Show him what a bad husband he was?

Camille wasn’t vindictive though. She wasn’t petty and she didn’t bear grudges. She had to have a reason. 

He turned to the next page and prepared himself for another trip down memory lane. 

11th July 2023

It’s the Summertime Ball tonight. Liam holds the ball every year and it’s become a highlight of the social calendar. I’ve got my gold dress all ready and I bought Lily a beautiful pink chiffon dress with silver stars embroidered on it. She looks like the sugarplum fairy in it and she twirled around the kitchen, asking Drake to tell her she looks pretty. 

******************************************************************************************

‘Tell me I look pretty, Daddy!’ Lily cried, twirling around the kitchen. Her pink dress blew out around her and she looked so pleased with her outfit. Camille had arranged her dark hair into a ballerina bun and Lily had insisted on having her nails painted a glittery pink. 

Drake picked her up and pressed a kiss on her forehead. 

‘You are the prettiest girl in the world!’ he told her. Lily beamed and snuggled into his chest, a lazy smile on her face. To her, Drake was her world and that was all that mattered.

Camille was watching them, her eyes shining. This was all she had ever wanted. A family. Her own little family. 

Drake placed Lily back down and he grinned at his wife. ‘You look incredible.’

Camille blushed. She was wearing a long gold halterneck dress made of silk. It skimmed her curves and showed off her caramel skin. Camille stepped forward and ran her hands down his chest. Drake was wearing a new suit; Camille loved it when he made an effort. 

‘We should get going,’ she told him. ‘Cordonia society awaits!’

She took Lily’s hand and the two of them left the kitchen to the waiting car. As the door opened, Drake heard Geoffrey say, ‘Lily, you look like a fairy princess!’ 

Drake chuckled but his smile soon faded. Another Cordonian ball. Their first since they had come back from Texas. He knew they would be interrogated by the other nobles. How was Texas? Why were they away so long? How is Valtoria? Is Lily still eating McDonalds? 

The thought filled him with dread. 

He poured himself a double measure of whiskey and downed it. He needed liquid courage to get him through the evening. 

         **************************************************************************

Maxwell had descended on Lily as soon as he saw her. ‘You look so pretty!’ he shrieked, picking her up and twirling around. Lily laughed and stopped when she saw Maxwell’s bow tie. It was a squid.  She reached out her hand and gently touched it, whispering, ‘wow...’

Bertrand came over to greet Camille and Drake. ‘Camille, you look stunning as always,’ he told her warmly. ‘How was Texas? I’m sorry you had to come back early.’

Camille smiled. ‘Texas was amazing. Just lazy days, lots of family time. We needed it, didn’t we Drake?’

Drake nodded. ‘Definitely. So good to get a break.’ 

Liam wandered over with Hana, Olivia and Leo in tow. The group were now reunited and Hana pulled Camille in for a hug, excited to see her best friend again.  

Maxwell put Lily down and she skipped over to the group. She needed to see her Aunt Olivia. She adored the 5′11 redhead with high cheekbones, straight posture and icy blue eyes. The infatuation had began about a year ago when Lily had cast her eyes on the many ruby rings Olivia wore. Lily was a magpie and loved anything shiny; when Olivia let her wear a ruby ring that was far too big for her small fingers, Lily fell in love.  

She fell hard for her Aunt Olivia after that. Olivia found it a little strange at first, not used to being adored,  especially by children god forbid, but she soon began to enjoy it whenever Lily asked to see Olivia.  It showed the child had taste. 

‘Aunt Olivia, do you like my dress?’ she asked shyly. Olivia’s eyes ran over the dress. Drake prayed she would be kind; he knew pink was not Olivia’s favourite colour by a long stretch.

‘I think you look gorgeous, babe,’ Olivia said honestly. ‘I love the stars.’

Lily giggled. Because Olivia loved the dress, she wasn’t planning to take it off for the next week. 

The live band began to play a jazz number. Lily looked up at Drake. ‘Daddy, dance with me.’

Camille nudged Drake, who picked up his daughter. ‘Come on, show me your best moves,’ he said, carrying her to the dance floor. He set her down and took her by her hands; his hands were gigantic around hers. Drake had to bend to dance with her, twirling her around. 

This was the only time when Drake was really comfortable on the dancefloor. When he danced with Camille, he felt calm, knowing the steps, but he still felt a little out of place no matter how hard she tried to convince him that he was a good dancer. But when he was with Lily, he forgot about everyone around them. It was just him and his little girl, dancing together. They didn’t need to do the moves, why would they? She was four. Instead, he twirled her around, swung her up in the air so her dress flew out, making her a fairy in flight. There were no rules or etiquette needed for dancing with Lily. It was just fun. It was free. 

Drake picked her up and she wrapped her arms around his neck as he bobbed around in a circle. Camille and Hana watched them together. 

‘He’s such a good dad, isn’t he?’ Hana whispered. 

Camille nodded, smiling. ‘He really is. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us.’ 

       ***********************************************************************

‘So, Drake, how does it feel being back in Cordonia?’ Lord Stanley asked. Drake plastered an artificial smile on his face. ‘It feels good! It’s nice to get back to normality.’

The lie came out of his mouth so easily.

‘We heard that you’re thinking about sending Lily to a regular school?’  Lady Victoria probed. ‘That’s a different choice. Every other noble child has gone to boarding school.’ 

Drake fought back the urge to tell her to fuck herself. Instead, he cleared his throat. ‘Well, as myself and Camille were born commoners, we want Lily to have the same sort of childhoods that we had. We want her to make friends with kids who aren’t noble so she can see there’s other ways of living.’

‘Other ways of living..’ Victoria murmured, her eyes wide. 

‘Surely though she will inherit the duchy of Valtoria?’ Stanley asked, struggling to keep up with Drake’s modern way of thinking. ‘If she doesn’t go to boarding school with other nobles, she won’t know how to support her people!’

Drake cast his eyes around the room, searching for Camille. He needed his team mate. 

‘Well, Lily might not want to inherit the duchy,’ Drake said casually. ‘We want her to see the world, learn other cultures, just be grounded and more openminded.’ 

The two nobles were staring at Drake as if he had grown three heads.

‘Besides, we can teach her how to support the duchy if needed,’ Drake went on. He was trying to justify his parenting decisions to these people and he had no idea why. What he and Camille chose to do for their daughter wasn’t their business.

‘But it could be good for her to meet other noble children?’ Victoria suggested. Drake ignored her and his eyes found Camille’s.

Camille excused herself from talking to Liam and she came over to help Drake. 

‘Ah, Lord Stanley, Lady Victoria! How good to see you both again,’ Camille said. 

The lie came out of her mouth so easily. 

‘Duchess Camille, you look glowing!’ Victoria said, taking her by the hands. ‘What’s your secret?’

‘Creme de la Mer,’ Camille deadpanned. Victoria blinked. 

‘Uh, so Drake was just telling us that next year, you might be sending Lily to a regular school?’ Stanley said. 

‘Not might,’ Drake corrected him. ‘We will be.’ 

Camille looked at Drake and his eyes bore into hers. She knew without speaking that he been getting interrogated. She took Drake’s hand and placed her hand on his chest. 

‘Yes, we’re so excited for Lily to go to a school with normal kids. More relaxed, she can meet all kinds of people and think for herself!’

Victoria frowned. ‘Are you saying our children can’t think for themselves?’

‘Welllll..’ Camille shrugged. ‘Anyway, so lovely to see you again. We need to circulate, there’s so many people we haven’t spoken to yet.’ She dragged Drake away. 

‘Jesus, they’re horrible,’ she muttered under her breath. Drake smirked. ‘Glad you think so. Who honestly gives a shit about what we do? It’s our life.’

Camille bit her lip. ‘I think because we’re already so different from them, they want to see how we run things. Clearly, sending Lily to boarding school was an expectation that we have yet again not met.’ 

‘We’re not sending her away,’ Drake ground out. Camille looked up at him and gave his hand a squeeze.  They both looked out at the dance floor to see Lily dancing with her Uncle Leo and Uncle Maxwell, who were showing her how to do the robot. 

‘I promise that’s not going to happen. She’s ours.’

She kissed him gently. ‘I’m going to continue my conversation with Liam. Want to join?’

‘In a moment,’ he told her. ‘You go ahead.’ 

She left him to it. Drake went to the bar and ordered a glass of whiskey, double measure. He sank the drink then gestured to the bartender for another. 

He studied the nobles around him. Aside from his friends, he hated everyone in the room. The way they spoke to him and Camille so patronisingly grated. They always looked like they felt sorry for them. Like Drake and Camille knew nothing. Like they were going to destroy Valtoria with their inexperience, despite the fact that they had been Duke and Duchess for four years. 

Fuck them. 

Drake sipped more of his whiskey and watched his wife burst out laughing at something Liam said. She looked at home here. She was certainly more regal than Drake. He sometimes worried he held her back, but he never told her that. He knew she would get upset if she knew the thoughts that went through his mind. 

But he knew she hated the nobles too. They would bitch about them while having drinks on their balcony. Camille was just better at hiding it. 

Drake signalled for another drink. 

   **********************************************************************************

They got home around midnight. Lily had fallen asleep on Drake’s lap when they had been sat at the table in the ballroom, which called for them to head home. Once Camille set her down in bed, she kissed her forehead and left the bedroom door slightly ajar; Lily was scared of the dark and felt better when she could see the hallway light. 

Drake’s head was spinning. Usually, he was a heavy weight but with each drink he had drank tonight, he had asked for double measures. Silly idea. 

He fell back onto the bed, still dressed in his suit, and looked up at the spinning ceiling. He heard Camille enter the bedroom and shut the door. 

‘You okay there, champ?’ she joked. She hadn’t realised how much Drake had drank, instead thinking he had just drank whiskey on an empty stomach and that was why he was conked out on the bed. 

She got on her knees and crawled towards him, suspending her body over his. He smelled of whiskey.  Drake looked into her eyes and reached out to twirl a lock of her hair around his finger. 

‘You’re beautiful,’ he whispered.

Camille smiled. ‘You’re drunk.’

‘Yeah. You’re still beautiful though.’

Camille leaned down to kiss his neck, enjoying the groan that escaped his lips. She began to peel off his suit jacket and unbutton his shirt, exposing his broad chest. She loved how broad he was; how manly he was. 

Kissing down his chest, she stopped when she heard him snore. 

Oh well. He would just have to make it up to her tomorrow. 

******************************************************************************************

Drake did make it up to her the next morning. He had a memory that she had tried to make a move on him last night but he had been so drunk, he’d fallen asleep. His face flamed red when he remembered this. 

Her alarm had gone off and she slipped into the bathroom to shower. Drake followed. His head may have been aching but he wanted to make it up to her. 

Drake knocked on the shower door. Camille turned to open the door and she looked out at him, her hair slicked back from the water. Drake’s eyes roamed her naked body hungrily. 

‘You coming in?’ she asked, looking up at him from under her eyelashes. Drake gave her a wolfish grin and stripped off his clothes. He let himself into the shower. 

His hands slid down her wet body, slick from the water and shining. He kissed her neck and moved down to tease her nipple with his tongue. Camille gasped and closed her eyes, focusing on the sensations. 

Drake gently pushed her up against the wall and lifted her by the ass. She wound her legs around his waist, crying out when she felt his cock enter her.  He wasn’t taking his time; he wanted to make it up to her. 

‘Fuck Drake..’ she breathed, digging her fingernails into his back. Drake began to drive into her, keeping her body supported as he did so. His hips bucked against hers, grinding into her deeply, not wanting to stop. Drake wanted to make it up to her. 

As he bucked against her, he placed his finger on her clit and began to circle. She let out a groan as he teased her, feeling her core begin to come alive. Their bodies moved together, desperately now, as Drake began to increase the pace. He was relentless. He wanted to make it up to her.

Their mouths found each other and their tongues twisted, dancing. Drake could feel Camille’s fingernails digging into his back, probably scratching his skin but he didn’t care. 

He could smell the coconut shampoo she used and he inhaled her scent. She was his own personal paradise.  

‘Drake, I’m gonna cum,’ she breathed. Drake continued to drive into her, keeping up momentum. 

‘Cum for me,’ he growled in her ear. 

She let go, crashing over the wave. Her body jerked against his and she wrapped her legs around him tighter. Drake followed after, crying out her name into the crook of her shoulder. 

‘I love you,’ she whispered. Drake kissed her neck, then her cheek, then her lips.

‘I love you too.’

*******************************************************************************************

Drake stopped reading the diary entry. Camille hadn’t written about the shower sex but she had written about the ball and about the stuffy nobles. 

They’re so judgemental, I’m sick of it. But I can’t say anything to them otherwise I’d cause a riot, so instead I plaster a fake smile on my face and act like Duchess Camille. Who even is Duchess Camille? She’s not me. She’s elegant and knows etiquette and how to smile. She can curtsey and knows how to use the correct cutlery at dinner. Her fake laugh is fantastic, it sounds so genuine. But she’s not really me. She is a part I play. 

Sometimes I wish I could just be normal Camille. The one who wears denim shorts and oversized sweaters. I’d love to go to a football game with Drake and eat hotdogs and not have to worry about anyone bothering us. I’d love to take Lily out to the park without needing a bodyguard.

But we signed up for this life when we became Duke and Duchess. It was always going to be hard. I just want us to try and be as normal as possible and that includes sending Lily to a normal school. I’m so happy Drake and I share the same values; we’re a good team. As long as we have each other, it’s going to be alright.

Drake swallowed a sob.  His breath became haggered and his head began to swim again. His vision began to blur and that was when he realised he was crying. 

Drake had only cried three times in his life.

When he was told his father was dead.

When he saw Camille walking up the aisle towards him on their wedding day.

When he held Lily in his arms for the first time. 

This was the fourth time in his life Drake cried. How could he have fucked up something so good? Something that made him happy? How could he have pushed away the one person who truly saw him for who he was? 

Drake wiped his eyes roughly and looked through the box again. He came across a photo of him, Camille and Lily playing rock paper scissors while sat at a table during one of the palace balls. His memory flashed back and he remembered that Maxwell had taken the photo of the family. 

They looked carefree. They didn’t care what people thought of them. 

Drake sniffled and put the photo down, picking up the diary again. He needed to keep reading. It was what Camille wanted him to do and he was sick of letting her down. 

He turned the page. 

[puncture]

10/5/21

So this is literally like the first update to the blog in over four years, but I've been studying Japanese again! It's been over 3 months now. In this post I'm going to go into the resources I'm using, and some goals of mine. If it helps you out, that's great. However I'm mostly just writing this to keep track of my progress.

I'm in N4 territory, though I'm not studying for the JLPT. I might take it someday but I don't think I'd bother with anything but N1.

Vocabulary

I'm using the Wanikani anki deck. I had a WK subscription years ago but I'm just more of a fan of doing this at a slightly adjusted pace. Almost six years ago I was at level 21-ish, I've been doing it daily now and I'm at level 11. I started at 10 new words per day but I upped it to 20 maybe a month ago. I'm still relearning material that my brain has deep in its recesses, but once I get past where I stopped I might lower the new words per day. I also want to get more into immersing so this deck, while great for me to pick up habits, and make sure I learn something every. single. day.--it's not the only vocab source I intend to have. Though after all this time it has definitely been the one thing that has made learning less daunting.

Grammar

I went through the new Tobira book for beginners. Its equivalent to Genki I. I found it pretty cool but not as different from Genki as I'd hoped. I'm just glad I got my hands on it because that's really what got me back into learning Japanese this past summer.

Now I've moved on to Genki II since Tobira II won't be out until next year. What can I say about Genki? It's Genki. I'm really just speeding through, reading grammar explanations, dialogues, and the passages in the back of the book.

Aside from this, I use, read, and refer to Sakubi, Tae Kim, Shin Kanzen Master N4, Try! N4, and Nihongo Challenge N4.

Immersion

Ah, pain. To just be upfront, my listening sucks. I don't practice it like I should. Moving on...

For reading I read NHK Easy news. As you can imagine, lately it's mostly about COVID but it's also pretty interesting and usually not too bad.

I started a kids novel last night. The series is called ポレポレ日記. It's aimed at girls around 12-ish, but it's not a fantasy setting so reading the first few pages last night, the vocabulary isn't too hard. The grammar is kicking my butt though. Even when I recognize patterns it's difficult to fully parse some sentences. I just pick up what I can and move on though. I don't know if I'll get through since it's very easy for me to become fatigued and discouraged when immersing, but compared to some other books for kids I've tried reading, I felt really good about the fact that most of the kanji and words on the first few pages of this book were ones that I already knew.

I definitely recommend Kodansha's Blue Bird line of books if you are interested in novels aimed at preteens and early teens. Kindle Unlimited Japan has a ton. Struggling through this is at least more fun than reading picture books.

The thing is, I'm not studying Japanese to move there, or to get a job, or for school, I'm just doing it to consume media. With that in mind, I want to get into native material as soon as I can! I've seen way too many people who go through Genki I/II, then Integrated Approach to Intermediate Japanese, then Tobira, then all JLPT study materials, and then still feel a huge brick wall is in front of them when they confront reading native material. So I would like to kick that wall down as soon as possible.

Goals

My current short term goals are just to finish Genki II, get through Tae Kim reread, and read all the passages in Nihongo Challenge N4. If I put my mind to it, these things could be finished by the end of October. Truthfully they could be finished by the end of next week but I need time to just let things marinate in my brain.

I would put finish this book I'm reading on my list of short term goals, but I still need more time to figure out if this is really something I think I can get through.

Medium term: Hard to define. I'd like to finish my Wanikani deck by January 2023 which would mean from here on out I do an average of 16 words per day. I'd like to one way or another, finish something in Japanese. Whether it be a visual novel, otome game, a jrpg, a novel, an anime, or a drama. Once I get more comfortable with reading I'd like to read at least one book in Japanese per month.

Long term: I'd like to be able to play and comfortably read Dragon Quest X without translation tools. Honestly this isn't even that lofty of a goal, but yeah!

[double-birds-blog]

Shut Up About Carlos Martínez’s Temperament

By Chase Woodruff

Six weeks ago, Carlos Martínez took the mound at Yankee Stadium and just didn’t have it. In the first inning, thanks in large part to a sinker that was going all over the place, he threw 36 pitches, walking four and allowing a run on a wild pitch. Then he dug in and battled, overcoming his lack of command to put up four scoreless innings while walking a total of eight batters and striking out eleven. He worked around a costly Jose Martínez error at first base in the third and escaped a bases-loaded jam to end the fifth. The offense gave him no run support at all, managing just two hits through the first six innings, and then Mike Matheny inexplicably sent him back out for the bottom of the sixth on 106 pitches; gassed, he recorded only one out and allowed two more runs before Matheny finally gave him the hook.

It was an exasperating, heroic, absurd solo performance from one of the team’s best players, who seemed to put a struggling ballclub on his back and carry it as far as he possibly could. Broadcasters have a whole set of trusty clichés to describe an outing like this. You’re not always going to have your best stuff, they’ll say. It’s about grinding it out, and knowing how to adapt, and doing your best to give the team a chance to win. That’s what separates good pitchers from great ones.

But those aren’t the clichés that the Fox Sports Midwest broadcast team reached for that day. “Sometimes you watch Martínez,” said longtime play-by-play announcer Dan McLaughlin, “and he’s very animated on the mound. You’re not seeing that at all here today.”

“It’s an interesting point,” said his partner, Tim McCarver. “When he’s animated, he’s more effective. He’s happier. That’s his…feeling.”

At 25 years old, Carlos Martínez is the ace of the Cardinals’ staff. Since he became a permanent member of the starting rotation at the beginning of the 2015 season, only Matt Carpenter has provided more value to the club, according to fWAR. He has been a consistent and reliable presence at the top of the rotation, posting a FIP over 4.00 in only two of the fourteen regular-season months he’s pitched in (one of which was the very first). He has overcome the tragic death of his close friend Oscar Taveras and done extensive work to help those living in poverty in his native Dominican Republic. Over the offseason, he and the Cardinals agreed to a $51 million extension that cemented him as a core component of the organization’s future and will likely keep him in the Birds on the Bat through the 2023 season.

Despite all this, Martínez has never managed to escape a particular frame that the team’s broadcasters, most notably those at FSM, are determined to impose on him: constant evaluation of his temperament, his emotional state, his mannerisms and behavior. Halfway through 2015, Bernie Miklasz criticized this tendency to treat Martínez like “some sort of hyperactive, temperamental, overgrown toddler,” and nearly two years later, nothing has changed. Carlos is a grown-ass adult and the team’s best pitcher, and yet when he’s on the mound, talk of mechanics and pitch selection and opponents’ talent and simple bad luck all take a backseat to reductive, paternalistic attempts at amateur psychoanalysis.

McLaughlin, later in the Yankees game: “You don’t know what’s going [on] inside the head of Carlos Martínez, but we’ve seen him throw a lot, seen him pitch with the animated way that he goes about it. You hate to say a guy is disinterested, because you don’t know.”

McCarver: “I think pensive is the word that could be used. You don’t want to see Martínez lethargic in any way.”

In his next start, on the road in Milwaukee, Martínez had another rough first inning, allowing a one-out, three-run homer to Travis Shaw, then issuing two walks before finally retiring the Brewers’ eighth-place hitter. On the call was FSM analyst Al Hrabosky, who has spent years critiquing Martínez’s displays of emotion despite his own well-documented history of embarrassing on-field lunacy. Faced with a player who was now doing the opposite, Hrabosky was eager to jump on the new narrative.

“One thing I noticed in that [Yankees] start,” he told McLaughlin before Martínez had thrown his first pitch, “is, you know, we’ve always tried to say he’s got to calm down a little bit, not be so animated—I thought he was too calm.” After the first-inning home run, he continued: “I think what you said, ‘disinterested,’ is a pretty accurate description of what we’re seeing from Martínez. And that’s disturbing.”

Then, once again, Martínez put his early struggles behind him. As he retired his tenth batter in a row to end the fourth inning, McLaughlin sounded mildly impressed: “He’s starting to get locked in.”

It was a highly revealing sequence of events and commentary. Here are some images of a “disturbingly” “disinterested” Carlos Martínez:

And here are some images of a “locked-in” Carlos Martínez:

Having trouble noticing a difference? That’s okay, here, maybe putting them side-by-side will help:

Two innings in the same game, from the same pitcher, with the same demeanor. The only difference is that he had good results in one and bad results in the other, and the crew at Fox Sports Midwest—and consequently many Cardinals fans—is seemingly incapable of ascribing bad results by Martínez to anything other than a lack of mental fortitude.

So deeply ingrained is this tendency that even a relatively new broadcaster like Jim Edmonds has quickly fallen into the pattern. In Martínez’s most recent start, another strong performance at Coors Field, he allowed a run on a Charlie Blackmon triple in the third inning. It was the first run of the game, on a quintessential Coors extra-base hit by one of the hottest hitters in the majors, but Edmonds didn’t hesitate about where to place the blame. “The concentration level,” he said. “[Martínez is] cruising along, and all of a sudden loses a little bit of concentration out on the mound, and you look up and it’s one-nothing. … I think when he starts cruising, he gets a little lazy, a little lackadaisical, and then all of a sudden, bam, he’s down by a run.”

Let’s face it: there is an unavoidable racial dimension to how we evaluate and discuss different players. Empirical studies have repeatedly proven that subconscious racial bias affects the way broadcasters and sportswriters characterize athletes; white players are disproportionately described as having positive mental attributes (intelligence, hustle, etc.) that allow them to overachieve and outperform their physical shortcomings, while nonwhite players are disproportionately described as having mental deficiencies (poor temperament, lack of focus, etc.) that get in the way of their natural athletic ability. As I’ve tried to make clear when writing about these issues in the past, to acknowledge this undeniable pattern in the way players of different races are talked about is not to slander any particular broadcaster as racist—but that shouldn’t be where the conversation ends.

In the case of Carlos Martínez, it’s possible that the constant talk of his supposed mental shortcomings has less to do with received cultural stereotypes about hot-blooded or lazy Latinos than a simple communication issue. Martínez wouldn’t have gotten to where he is today if he didn’t have the baseball IQ and work ethic to rival any other Cardinals starter, but while broadcasters and reporters can talk at length and in great detail with Adam Wainwright about his curveball grip or with Michael Wacha about the kinetic chain, the language barrier makes such conversations with Martínez much more difficult. Color commentary abhors a vacuum, so in place of a nuanced look at strategy or mechanics, fans are treated to simplistic judgments about emotions and temperament.

Regardless of why it’s the case, Danny Mac and his various partners in the booth—every single one of whom, let’s note briefly, is white—need to find some better ways of talking about Martínez. He’s not a kid anymore, not even by baseball standards, and it’s well past time for broadcasters to stop treating him like one, and start treating him like what he is: the team’s best, toughest, most dependable starting pitcher.