#I only come here to write angsty journal entries tbh

[liz-and-the-blue-bird]

Good afternoon to me

Soundtrack

I have this weird infatuation with the idea of a nostalgic girlfriend. I guess this isn’t just a me thing, I guess people tend to root for the childhood friend when they see these kinds of tropes. And obviously, you want each relationship you have to be a bit better than the last one. Something more every time. Now putting these things together isn’t really practical. It’s not realistic for you to keep finding someone who was a bigger deal in your younger years over and over again for the rest of your life until you find the perfect person. That’s not how real life works. But sometimes things work out like that, so you build it up to be more than it really is. 

Anyway what I’m saying is life kinda sucks sometimes. 

And I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault. It’s just feelings kinda suck sometimes. No one wronged anyone, no matter how much she apologizes. It doesn’t become your fault because you say sorry. Just like saying sorry doesn’t make the sting go away. A bandaid is to help with healing, not to kill the pain.

As I grow older, these kinds of interactions happen more and more. Situations where no one is at fault, it’s just that feelings make things hard. I like you, but I don’t want to say it, because if you don’t, then our friendship won’t keep going. I am tired of you, but I can’t say it, because it’s more comfortable to stay where I am than to be thrust into something new. I don’t think of you that way, but if said, means that you’ve put a lot of effort into nothing here. I don’t know. 

When I was younger, I would fall in love a lot. I may have talked about this before. But in high school I would have a new crush every semester. And when I was in college, I looked at too many girls as possible relationships. This probably isn’t a healthy mindset, and is probably why so many younger people think boys and girls can’t just be friends, but at least I know that now. And now it feels like now I never fall in love. I don’t know if I’ve become more picky or if there are just less single people around me. But i always have to fight this internal “what even is the point” that comes up all the time. 

I think I’m just frustrated when I see people in relationships. Not in a “you shouldn’t be happy” or “i deserve to be happy” or “relationships are stupid” but in a “i feel like i haven’t done anything wrong, so why am i still like this right now?” What mistakes have I made? Where could I be better? Why isn’t anything working? Kind of thing. I want to be better at life in general. And I am getting better I think. I manage my macros now. I bench 70 lb dumbbells. I sleep a healthy 7-8 hours. But getting into relationships isn’t a thing that you should need to get better at, I don’t think. I don’t need to know how to best please girls, I just need to know how best to please the one girl.

Anyway, it never was a thing, so it’s not like I lost anything. It’s like I’ve been driving through fog for the past couple hours. I left early in an autumn morning and I can’t even seen more than a couple miles down the road. But I climb up a hill and see the sun peaking out over the fog, and it’s bright, and warm, and wonderful. Then I go back downhill into the fog. I haven’t been out of the fog for long, not even long enough for my eyes to adjust. 

So why does it feel so dark?