#I need to go to sleep I can't think about these miserable horrible people anymore

[curiosityschild]

Company is a very good musical that I never ever want to see again. I've never had a least favorite musical before. I feel like I am the target demographic for that musical and I have never related less to a story.

I was just reading a reddit thread about the musical and there were mixed opinions, which makes sense. But there was more than one person who said they saw it in their 20's and didn't get it and then saw it again later in life and realized they knew every person on the stage and I'm just like. Please let that never be me.

Knowing this musical is from 1970 helps. Knowing Sondheim was gay but dated women into his 30's, came out at 40, and claimed to have first fallen in love in his 60's helps A LOT. It is a very good musical and I think there is probably a lot to pick apart and say about it. Like if I sat and thought about it for a long time there would probably be some cool analysis I could come up with! And I'm sure people have! But I hate it, it's horrible, and I never want to think about it again. Good night.

[aceofwhump]

The duck walked up to the lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand…HEY! *bum bum bum*

GOT ANY DRACO WHUMP?

Nonny!! You've come to the right place! Not only have I got some gifsets, I literally just finished reading this amazing fic and I've several others I think you'll enjoy! So, *pours you a big tall glass of Draco whump* Enjoy!

For gifsets (and more) please check out my Draco Malfoy tag here: https://aceofwhump.tumblr.com/tagged/draco%20malfoy

Here is the fic I just caught up on (it's ongoing!!). TW for torture, conditioning, abuse (physical, emotional and sexual), mpreg (the pregnancy part is in the past though).

The Way Out by VickiiMelissa Summary: For a moment Harry thought he was looking at a doll, or chillingly, a dead body. Then Harry spotted the subtle rise and fall of his chest. Harry looked up at the merchant, his expression mildly perplexed and a little annoyed. “What is this?” It was a little difficult for Harry to downplay his surprise. Just three years after the battle for Hogwarts against Voldemort’s forces, Draco Malfoy had gone missing from the home he shared with his mother. Missing for six years, and now here he was.

And some more good fics! Note that I tend to read post Hogwarts fics but there's a few year 8 fics too. Mix of Drarry and Dramoine too:

Happily Forsworn by Elpin for alafaye Summary: Ten years have passed since Draco Malfoy took the Dark Mark. The war is long over, and Draco has been banished to the muggle world. As he and several other Death Eaters start to feel a burning pain, they realise that for some unknown reason, the Dark Mark has awoken, and it's slowly killing them.

my thoughts are the cold kind by lopingloup Summary: There's something wrong with Draco Malfoy and as hard as he tries to hide his failings, Harry Potter seems determined to unearth him.

All Those Broken Pieces by DarkFloralLove Summary: He wasn't pardoned like many other wizards and witches. He was sentenced to five years of Azkaban. After those five years, he didn't know who he was or what to do with his life. Group sessions with a mind healer and other f*cked up people, a social occupation in a bookshop and a parole officer who brought back all kinds of memories… He wasn't at Azkaban anymore, but he still did not feel free. He felt broken, like pieces of glass, scattered all over the floor, in a house that wasn't his home.

Bad Luck by Phoenix_18 Summary: Draco's ill, and miserable and a total mess. Harry is in love with him and needs to take care of him for a couple of days.

I don't know how by donnarafiki Summary: Draco's nightmares are so horrible that he now doesn't sleep at all anymore, instead he lives of pepper up potions, working deep into the night. Until at one point Harry can't take it anymore, and confronts him about it. Turns out they have more in common than they think.

I asked for death but instead I'm awake by orphan_account Summary: When it all just gets to be too much, Draco lets his emotions drip out from his arms, but when he decides to let his life drip out too, who should come along but Potter, ruining everything as usual

and in the darkness, there's light by fuechsli Summary: Unexpectedly, Hogwarts' Eight Year leads to more than the chance to get away from everything just for one more year. It's also the chance to find to oneself, to heal and move on, find forgiveness and maybe even love. It's up to Draco whether to take it or not.

We Sleep In Pairs by darkestbliss Summary: We do not blame flowers for their death. But when Draco’s magic dies after the War, he struggles to forgive himself, and it’s going to take far more than striking up a companionship with Harry Potter for him to heal.

Worthless by LovellLukas Summary: Draco's lips quiver as he desperately tries to hold in his anguish. He admonishes himself for being so weak. He hates himself for it. He hates himself for many reasons. He feels worthless. He knows it's true. He is worthless.

Inaudax by 136108 Summary: Draco Malfoy was not scared, because he was a Malfoy. Malfoys didn't get scared. After all, it was only a boggart.

[colehasapen]

(ONE SHOT) There are things that we can have, but can't keep DC

A03

Hal isn’t on Earth when Barry dies. He’d been in deep space, running a mission for the Guardians that needed him to go completely radio-silent for a month and a half. It had been an absolutely miserable time, but he’d managed, telling himself that with every day that passed he was closer and closer to being able to go back to Earth, that soon he’d be able to sleep in his own bed and hold his boyfriend close. He doesn’t even  know until he’s returned to the Watchtower, and goes looking for him.

He’d been confused, at first, when he’d noticed the strange looks the heroes he passed sent him, the way they parted as he’d passed. He’d been confused until John and Diana had pulled him aside and broke the news to him as gently as possible.

Barry was dead.

Barry had died while Hal was in space, not even a week after he had gone radio silent. He’d died saving the world, over a month ago, and Hal  hadn’t been there. He’d had a hero’s funeral, there was talk of setting up a statue in memorial in Central City. He  died while Hal was in space; Hal had spent the month telling himself that soon he’d be able to see him again, soon he’d be able to touch and hold him again.

Barry was  gone.

Hal can’t remember what the last thing he had said to Barry was. He couldn’t remember if he had told Barry that he loved him, if he had said something deep and meaningful or something light and sarcastic. He knows they had had dinner before he’d left, he knows that Barry had smiled at him and kissed him goodbye, Hal knows that he had laughed and told Barry that he’d see him soon, but he can’t remember the conversation they’d had in full. He feels like he should, that he should remember the last moment he’d seen the man he loves in perfect clarity, because it’s what Barry - the amazingly kind and gentle man he’d fallen in love with, who loved Hal despite all the things he’d fucked up in his life - deserves.

Hal’s legs had given out on him, the green energy of his ring sputtering out and dying with his will as it had all sunk in. He’d dropped like a stone, numb with horror and eyes wide and unseeing, and it was only John’s strong arms looping around his shoulders and pulling him into a tight hug that had stopped him from hitting the unforgiving floor. He’d probably been in shock, because he hadn’t cried, hadn’t screamed or shouted or gotten angry, he’d just gone numb and silent, staring at the wall blankly as John had held him. He’d gone quiet, he hadn’t uttered a word, and simply let John herd him towards the zeta beams and take him back to Coast City, back to the apartment Hal rarely stayed in, because he was usually in space, or at Barry’s small house outside of Central City.

He knows now what was in their eyes -  pity. Pity because they all had some idea of the relationship between Green Lantern and Flash. It wasn’t like he and Barry hid the fact that they were a couple. They ate together, took missions together, watched each other’s backs and hovered over each other in the medbay; honestly, it was pretty obvious, even if there were a lot of people who wondered just how the mild mannered Flash and hot headed Green Lantern managed to get along long enough to begin a relationship in the first place.

But not a lot of people knew them as Hal and Barry. Didn’t know them beyond the masks they wore.

It doesn’t matter anymore, though, because Barry is dead.

Barry is dead, and Hal is alone.

Hal shuts himself away; he locks himself in his apartment, takes a leave from the League and the Corps, and stays huddled away in a darkened room, mind racing through regrets and memories. He wouldn’t even be able to go out if he wanted to, not as Green Lantern, because he hadn’t been able to light his ring since he’d learned, barely made it flicker despite it being a full charge, so John and Guy pick up his slack. Sometimes, he feels something other than the numbness of loss when he sees them on the news, doing his job for him, but even that isn’t enough to make Hal will himself to move again. Alan comes by, sometimes, but it doesn’t change anything, only makes him remember to eat because the older Lantern is always bringing food and has  mastered that look that makes Hal listen to what he’s saying.

He’s worrying them, he knows, worrying his fellow Leaguers too, but Hal’s never handled loss well, even since he was that kid staring at the flaming wreck of his father’s plane. He obsesses, the therapist had told his mother, back when they were still trying to pry into his head to pull out his thoughts so that he’d stop dreaming of flying someday, because his mom didn’t want to lose anyone else to the fires of a crashed plane but Hal was too stubborn to listen. Back then, Hal had been standing outside of the door, listening listening to his mom cry and beg the psychologists to  fix him, to make him normal; he’d been quiet and numb then too, because even back then, even at eight, he’d known that while his mom loved him, he was too much like his dad and that was all she could see in his eyes.

Hal had shut down back then, and he shuts down now too.

The what-ifs are loud, an ever-present shouting in his mind that he can’t block out. He wonders what could have happened if he had been there, if he’d been on Earth when Barry had run so fast that his body had burned up. Could he have stopped it? Could his ring have saved Barry?

They haunt him almost as much as Barry does.

When the door to his apartment opens, Hal barely looks up from where he sits on the lumpy old couch, staring out the window and watching the cars zoom past. He’s used to it at this point, the comings and goings of his fellow Lanterns, so he just keeps staring, hoping that whoever came to watch him stew in his depression would leave him to it. That is, until his visitor speaks up.

“Uncle Hal.” Hal jerks, head snapping up and around at the young, wrecked voice. Wally looks horrible, and Hal isn’t surprised - though he does feel guilty that he had forgotten about the speedster that had once run at Barry’s side. Wally had been Iris and Barry’s son in all but blood, and then, after Zoom had killed Iris, he’d only had Barry.

Barry, and Hal, who hadn’t let Barry out of his sight if he could help it.

But Hal had forgotten - so caught up in himself that he forgot about the boy Barry had been raising. God - Wally wasn’t even twenty yet, and he’d lost both of the closest things to actual parents that weren’t pieces of rotting shit he’d ever had, and now he was stuck with  Hal of all people.

“Wally.” He croaks, stumbling to his feet with all the grace of a newborn colt. Wally is pale, almost gray, with dark circles under dull eyes; he looks like he hadn’t slept since Barry’s death. “Shit, kid - I -” Hal stutters slightly, guilt burning in his gut, “- I’m sorry.” For not being here. For not helping Barry. For not being on Earth. For not being there for him in the aftermath.

Wally’s smile is shaky, and almost heartbreaking to look at, “It’s okay.” The kid says, shrugging. He steps forward, wrapping his arms around Hal’s torso, and folds himself against the Lantern, pressing his forehead against Hal’s collarbone. “Nightwing told me you were planet-side.” The words aren’t even accusing, but God knows Hal deserved that and more. They just sound tired, a soul-deep exhaustion out of place in such a young man.

Hal lets out a shaky breath, holding the young man close. Shit, he’s horrible - leaving Wally on his own, and not even having the balls to tell him that he’d come back. “I’m sorry.” Hal says again, uselessly. “How’re you holding up?”

Wally lets out a shuddering sigh, “I’m holding.” He says, bitter amusement in his voice. “Jay’s been - he’s been running patrols.”

“Yeah.” Hal sighs. Alan had told him, during one of his earlier visits; at the time, it had angered Hal, knowing that someone other than Barry was protecting Central, but now he’s come to terms with it. Barry may be dead, but crime wouldn’t have stopped, no matter how much the twin cities adored the Flash.

“I -” Wally’s voice cuts off. He goes quiet, hesitates, and pulls back, fiddling with the heavy golden ring on his finger.

His Flash ring.

Green eyes flash, harden, then Wally meets his eyes head-on. “Jay can’t do it all.” Wally says, “He’s retired. But -” he grows hesitant, “- but the world needs a Flash.” He finishes quietly. “And it needs to be me.” Wally ducks his head again, and Hal’s heart thunders in his chest. “I - I just - I’m not  him. It feels wrong.”

It was inevitable, Hal knows, that Wally would become the Flash. Barry had always told him that his sidekick had always had potential, had the goodness inside of him needed to be a hero, that he would make an amazing Flash.

But he’d always hoped that Barry would be here to see it happen.

“You’re not Barry.” Hal finds himself saying, then he winces.  Way to go, Jordan, just fuck it up all over again. He scrambles to recover, “But you can’t get your confidence from  him.” Wally looks at him with sad green eyes, and Hal reaches forward, placing a hand on the kid’s shoulder. “You’ve got to find it in yourself, Wally. You’re the Flash now, and that name means something to people.” Hal lets out a slow breath, forcing himself away from the foggy cloud of numbness he had fallen into. “I know it’s going to be hard, it’s going to be a heavy weight to carry, a heavy legacy.” He thinks of Abin Sur, and the expectations that had come with being his  replacement. “Barry - he was - he was the best. Not just as a hero, but as a  human being . That’s a lot to live up to.” Wally nods, but Hal isn’t done yet. “But you know what kid? You’re gonna do it. You know why I know?”

“...No.” Wally whispers, voice thick, and Hal moves his hand to gently press against the kid’s cheek, like Barry’s had.

“Because  Barry believed in you.” Hal says with a surety that he hasn’t felt since the moment Diana had told him what had happened. “He knew you’d be great. Always said that you’d be better than him, and I believe him.”

“What if I can’t be?” Wally’s voice shakes miserably, eyes shiny with tears, “I’m  not Barry.”

“There’s not going to be another Barry, kid.” Hal’s words tear past his throat, shredding his heart with them, “He’s dead. You’re not Barry, because you’re  you.”

Barry’s dead. He’s dead and gone, and Hal wasn’t there for him. He’d promised that he’d be there for him, once, and had planned to keep that promise; but, well, everyone had always told him he had commitment issues, hadn’t they? That he broke promises as easily as breathing.

May as well live up to that.

[bobasheebaby]

Grey’s Anatomy Prompts

I’m going a tad stir crazy, so I decided to make a prompt list of 80 Grey’s quotes I love. This may have been done before but I don’t care. It’s mostly angsty prompts and it’s long as hell. (Break at 15)

1 “When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I’m all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.” —Meredith Grey

2 “Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He’s very dreamy, but he is not the sun—you are.” —Cristina Yang

3 “Your choice, it’s simple: her or me? And I’m sure she’s really great. But I love you. In a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.” —Meredith Grey

4 “If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you’re scared that it’s not the right thing. Even if you’re scared that it’ll cause problems. Even if you’re scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there.” —Mark Sloan

5 “It always feels like there is just one person in this world to love. And then you find somebody else, and it just seems crazy that you were ever worried in the first place.” —Lexie Grey

6 “Don’t let fear keep you quiet. You have a voice, so use it. Speak up. Raise your hands. Shout your answers. Make yourself heard. Whatever it takes, just find your voice, and when you do, fill the damn silence.” —Meredith Grey

7 “Not everyone has to be happy all the time. That isn’t metal health. That’s crap.” —Meredith Grey

8 “Breakthroughs don’t happen because of the medicine. Real breakthroughs happen because someone is scared to death to stop trying.” —Derek Shepherd

9 “We don’t get unlimited chances to have the things that we want, and this I know. Nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life.” —Addison Montgomery

10 “And if you can't do it, if you aren't willing to keep looking for light in the darkest of places without stopping, even when it seems impossible, you will never succeed.” —Amelia Shepard

11 “Oh screw beautiful! I’m brilliant! If you want to appease me, compliment my brain.” — Christina Yang

12 “You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me.” — Derek Shepard

13 “The only time I don't feel like a ghost is when you look at me, because when you look at me, you see me. You see me. This is me.” — Owen Hunt

14 “It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose.” — Richard Webber

15 “You are my person. You will always be my person.” — Christina Yang

16 “It doesn't matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.” — Alex Karev

17 “Please, don't chase me anymore, unless you're ready to catch me.” — Callie Torres

18 “Change … we don’t like it, we fear it. But we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells you it doesn’t, is lying. But here’s the truth: Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, change is … everything.” — Meredith Grey

19 “Intimacy is a four letter syllable for- here’s my heart and soul, please grind them into a hamburger and enjoy. It’s both desired and feared. Difficult to live with, impossible to live without” -Meredith Grey

20 “You can have the worst crap in the world happen to you and you can get over it. All you gotta do is survive.” -Alex Karev

21 Walk tall. All you can do is be brave enough to get out there. You fought. You loved. You Lost. Walk tall.” -Mark Sloan

22 "Just because people do horrible things, it doesn't always mean they're horrible people."-Izzie Stevens

23 "I am woman. Hear me roar." - Miranda Bailey

24 "I love everything about you. Even the things I don't like, I love. And I want you with me. I love you and I think you love me too. Do you?" -Jackson Avery

25 “If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, stop accepting crap and demand something more.” -Cristina Yang

26 “You didn't love her! You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person that you love!” - Callie Torres

27 I am not an ugly duckling. I'm a swan."-April Kepner

28 “Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big 'pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window', unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.” - Meredith Grey

29 “I’ve had to give up things but what I’ve learned is that I don’t need much. I don’t need much to be happy.” -Arizona Robbins

30 “I need the day off. For drinking.” -Addison Montgomery

31 "It turns out sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they're the only way to find out who we really are." -Denny Duquette

32 “In the beginning everyone is there, but then they forget.” - Amelia Shepherd

33 "Knowing is better than wondering. Waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying." -Meredith Grey

34 “You have to go back to the beginning to understand the end.” -Teddy Altman

35 “Yeah we’re friends…I mean right now I’d probably say you’re one of my best friends.”-George O’Malley

36 “I’m just gonna feel bad that I made it so you can never love again” -Jo Wilson

37 "The future is the home of our deepest fears and our wildest hopes." -Owen Hunt

38 “There’s a land called passive agressiva, and you’re their queen” -Derek Shepherd

39 “Let’s play a game of whose life sucks the most. I’ll win. I always win.” -Meredith Grey

40 “I take things personally. I get emotional.” -Lexie Grey

41 “Stop looking at my like that. Like you’ve seen me naked” -Meredith Grey

42 “Pretty good is not good enough, I want to be great.” -Cristina Yang

43 "Don't let fear keep you quiet. You have a voice so use it. Speak up. Raise your hands. Shout your answers. Make yourself heard. Whatever it takes, just find your voice, and when you do, fill the damn silence." - Meredith Grey

44 “Let’s just make-out on the couch.” -Nathan Riggs

45 "Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop." -Meredith Grey

46 “Deal with your jealousy. Deal with your shortcomings. Don’t put your crap on me.” -Stephanie Edwards

47 "I know I'm not a lot of things that you've gone for in the past - I know, but I would never leave you. I would never hurt you. And I will never stop loving you.." -George O’Malley

48 “Sometimes you have to be a shark.” -Lucy Fields

49 “Don’t look at me like that. Like I’m damaged goods. I’m still me. I’m still here.” -Adele Webber

50 "More tequila. More love. More anything. More is better." -Meredith Grey

51 "More tequila. More love. More anything. More is better." -Meredith Grey

52 "For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything." -Alex Karev

53 "You can't be an ass to me all day and then expect me to give you respect." - Lexie Grey

54 “Some days, the whole world seems upside down. And then somehow, and probably, when you least expect it, the world gets right again.” -Meredith Grey

55 “Shut up. Dance it out.” -Cristina Yang

56 “We may only be together five minutes every two months, but when we do we will savor every second. We know how valuable those five minutes are.” -Ben Warren

57 “There comes a point when you have to suck it up and stop whining and start living” -Callie Torres

58 “Please don’t give up on me. Promise. Promise me you won’t.” -Arizona Robbins

59 “Bad things happen, but you have to move past it. Leave it behind. The sooner, the better. Or it’ll eat away at you and stop you from moving forward.” -Miranda Bailey

60 “This is the way the world changes. Good people, raising babies right” -Catherine Avery

61 “The problem is we are human. We want more than to just survive. We want to love.” -Lexie Grey

62 "There's a club. The Dead Dads/Moms/Parents Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss... My dad/mom/parent’s died when I was AGE. NAME, I'm really sorry you had to join the club." -Cristina Yang

63 “I’m going to die because these people aren’t properly trained” -Derek Shepherd

64 “I believe if you were dead, the world would be a better place” -George O’Malley

65 “You think you broke me, NAME? You’re the one who put me back together.” -Mark Sloan

66 “I want so much for you. For both of us. So much more than this. More than being stuck with someone who feels stuck. I want you to feel free.” -Callie Torres

67 “Every kiss before the right kiss doesn’t count anyway” -Derek Shepherd

68 “The expected is what keeps us steady. It’s the unexpected that changes our lives forever.” -Meredith Grey

69 “Promise that you’ll love me, even when you hate me.” -Meredith Grey

70 "The problem is, fairytales don't come true. It's the nightmares that always seem to become the reality." -Meredith Grey

71 “How are you fine? How are you just completely fine? I am ruined, okay? I am dead, I am wrecked." -Cristina Yang

72 “I didn’t like teenage girls when I was a teenage girl.” -Cristina Yang

73 “So you fight. Until you can’t fight anymore.” -Amelia Shepherd

74 “Don’t analyze everything. Just do it.” -Alex Karev

75 “Some lies aren’t lies. They’re love.” -Meredith Grey

76 “That’s where love exists, in delusional fantasies.” -Meredith Grey

77 "Friends are the family we choose." -Meredith Grey

78 "Don't ever date a man who can't handle your power." - Meredith Grey

79 "It’s not hard. It’s painful but it’s not hard. You know what to do already. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be in this much pain." —Miranda Bailey

80 “You’re my heaven. But maybe ... maybe I’m your hell.” — Denny Dequette

[forever-queerly-me]

Pinky Promise -Tyrus-

In another world, TJ would have been upfront to Cyrus about his feelings from the start. They would be smiling, laughing, kissing and enjoying their times as boyfriends. However, TJ does not live in such world. In fact, he's not even in the right world to make Cyrus want to be around him; apparently, avoiding him is more desirable for the dark haired boy. TJ knew though, that even if Cyrus wasn't upset with him and he was braver, he may still have zero chance. He doesn't even know if Cyrus likes guys to begin with- what if he liked Andi? Or Buffy? Or literally any other girl?

TJ knew his musings were not helping matters though. So all he could do is move forward, and hope that he could at the very least fix things with Cyrus. It would help if TJ *knew* why Cyrus was upset mind you, but he couldn't think of one plausible reason. He doubted that the costume thing still upset Cyrus- but he didn't know what could be upsetting him. So until Cyrus was willing to talk, TJ would have to wait.

Speaking of waiting though, TJ had got a text back from Kira that he needed which stopped further Muffin-Musing for the time being.

Kira: Of course I'll give you a distraction! Meet me at the park and you can help me feed the ducks!

TJ: great! C U there.

TJ wanted to get out of the house and Cyrus was ignoring him, so he texting Kira in hopes she would have an idea and cheer him up. Ducks should do the trick! Kira just better stay clear of the swings though, because those are his and Cyrus' thing.

Once there, and early, TJ had finally received a message from Cyrus. Apparently Cyrus had found a shirt that he thought TJ would like. While he definitely did, he also knew that he couldn't say no even if he wanted to. So he texted Cyrus to meet him there. Maybe things were looking up and Cyrus would take up his offer and join him.

When Kira had arrived, it seemed she had changed her mind. Instead of ducks, Kira wanted to play on the swing set. TJ had tried to stop her- but she was insisting. So though he didn't want to, he ended up swinging. Though the swings were his and Cyrus' thing, he could not deny that swinging always made him feel better which was what he needed. So swing he did. In the end, he had fun. He knew he would though, for he enjoyed Kira's company. He still didn't want Kira sharing the swings with them though.

After some laughter and light bantering with Kira, TJ become aware of the time. Cyrus had yet to show. At first TJ had thought that Cyrus could prehaps be waiting somewhere nearby, but he couldn't find him. So TJ rationalized that Cyrus was probably just arriving, or would be soon because of a delay. Unfortunately for TJ though, upon further searching, he found that the situation was reversed. TJ had missed Cyrus- because he was already leaving. Cyrus apparently didn't even want to speak to him.

With that sight, all TJ wanted to do was go home. So he made up an excuse and walked in the opposite direction. Away from Kira. Away from the Swings. Away from the park itself. Away from anything that could have hurt Cyrus, all except himself. He could not walk away from himself. Suddenly, TJ was struck with a realization. Cyrus must be upset with TJ because he feels replaced. First with costume day, and now with the swings? TJ felt like a terrible friend in that instant. All he wants is to see Cyrus smile and to be the cause of it- not upset him further.

So home TJ went. A home that didn't exactly make TJ feel any better but rather worse. Especially because Amber wasn't home so he would have to deal with their parents fighting himself. In fact, as soon as he opened the door, he heard the tell tale signs of another fight. Though married, it seemed that all his parents ever did anymore was curse and scream at one another. Still- they tried to hide it from the kids, but it never worked.

"TJ! Hun! Tristan and I were just going over dinner options for tonight. Any suggestions?" Jennifer, TJ's mom, asked as if she wasn't just calling her husband every name under the sun.

"Maybe Spaghetti? I'm not very hungry though. I may grab a burrito or something later." TJ answered, playing along with her 'everything is fine' ruse.

Jennifer raised an eyebrow. It wasn't like TJ to decline food. She was about to mention this when Tristan spoke up. She had to fight to keep her from rolling her eyes. 'He loves to have the last word', she thought as he did so.

"We'll call you when supper is ready just in case you change your mind." Tristan stated, which effectively kept Jennifer from pushing the issue as she wanted to. Both knew that they would 'discuss' this later.

TJ took this his chance to escape upstairs so he could be alone. TJ's bedroom door wasn't even closed yet when the fighting resumed. TJ desperately wished things could go back to where they used to be, but the family was too broken now. Originally, if his father had found a better job, his parents could prehaps fix things, but after he lost his job, World War Kippen broke out. The arguments were no longer just about money; they fought about everything. Their bad relationship not only impacted TJ and Amber because they had to live in a toxic environment, but Amber became convinced that in order to be happy, she had to be in a happy relationship. TJ knew that things weren't great with Jonah and thus Amber was increasingly unhappy. Her being in pain, caused him pain. In conclusion, TJ was miserable.

TJ was tired of all of this. Tired of his sister hurting. Tired of him hurting. Tired of him hurting other people. Tired of his parents hurting eachother. Most of all though- TJ was tired of nothing going right. With that thought in mind, TJ ran outside, ignoring his parents, he had to be alone. He ran until he stopped at a familiar door and he was in tears. After knocking, he was rushed in by Cyrus' mom. She knew he wanted Cyrus, but all she could say was that he wasn't home.

TJ nodded tearfully, avoiding her questions and left. He sat out near the pond in the park until Amber had found him. Hugging him, she asked what was wrong. At her words, he sobbed harder, unable to talk. She just hugged him and let him do his thing. Afterwards, they walked back to the house, both with earplugs in to avoid their parents and went into TJ's room. Amber didn't want him to be alone so she laid down with him and cuddled in. Usually he would protest, but he was happy for her right than. It was what he needed. Soon, sleep over took both of them.

00000000000

Over the next few days, TJ stayed out of the house as much as possible. He still felt horrible though. He didn't want to ruin his friendship with Kira, so even though he knew he was risking losing Cyrus for good, he continued to spend time with her. Eventually though, Cyrus was forced to talk to him. Both at school, neither had an excuse to leave. It was the perfect timing for TJ to talk to Cyrus finally.

"Cyrus? Can we please talk?" TJ pleaded once he spotted Cyrus.

Buffy and Andi, both nearby, had pushed Cyrus forward and walked away to leave the two in peace.

"Of course. How've you been Teej?"

TJ knew that he would have to be honest. No tough boy act would fix things.

"Horrible admittedly, which is why I wanted to talk to you."

Cyrus looked concerned at this, but before he could ask, TJ spoke again.

"I can't fix things with my parents. Nor can I do much to help my sister- but maybe I can fix things between us."

"Teej-"

"I wouldn't trade you for anyone in the world Cyrus. You are my best friend," Needing to take a deep breath, TJ continued after doing so, "I don't like

Kira more than you. I promise you."

At the mention of Kira, something had flashed in Cyrus' eyes. Jealousy. Though maybe wishful thinking, TJ had hoped it wasn't a platonic kind of jealously. He didn't push it though. Not yet. He wasn't ready to come out himself yet after all.

"Oh-"Cyrus could speak no more though because the bell rang. The two would have to speak in drama class that they shared.

00000000

Most of the day was uneventful, besides giving Buffy a ride on a golf cart, TJ really didn't do much else but do classwork. Thankfully for him, drama class had arrived. The class was doing a trials, with TJ being the suspect and Cyrus being his lawyer. At one point he changed outfits to show that it was a new day in the play as the teacher likes, and TJ had to state his full name but again, not much happened until afterwards.

TJ had finally gotten a line right he had been having trouble with, and as a result, everyone was ecstatic. TJ even got a hug from Cyrus. After the hug, Cyrus had to ask something

"Tristan Jr. Kippen, huh?"

"Can you see why I go by TJ?"

Both boys laughed and things were good between them for the time being.

00000000

The two went to the girls basketball game right after that and sat side by side. TJ relaying every play and Cyrus pretending to understand what was going on in. He didn't understand the end however. They had won! The two boys ran down to the court, and hugged excitedly quickly. Soon though, Cyrus had backed away and ran off, ignoring his calls.

0000000

The two didn't speak again till a few days later at Andi's celebration party for getting accepted to SAVA. TJ had found Cyrus on a bench and he sat down. Seeing Cyrus there, upset , and knowing that Cyrus was somehow hurt again and figuring Kira's presence must have caused it. TJ figured that he would need to try his hardest to fix things. Things became clear though as he stared in Cyrus' eyes. He was going to come out to Cyrus. Before he could say anything, Cyrus had started them off.

"Where's your girlfriend? Didn't you invite her?"

"I'm not dating Kira. I never was. I'm- I'm gay Cy."

At those words, TJ saw a hint of prehaps 'hope' fleet by his face and was reminded of the earlier jealousy. TJ took this an opportunity to prompt, "is there something you need to tell me?"

"I like you TJ. A lot"

Hearing that, TJ chose to cement his approval with a soft "me too", and latched his pinkie with Cyrus'. It was like a pinkie promise that everything was going to be okay with them. Things still weren't perfect in TJ's life, but he knew that with Cyrus by his side, he would feel much better. Cyrus has that effect on him after all.

A/N: it's 3:15 am but I promised to finish this before I went to bed

I don't know what the ending is- I'm sorry. I suck at ending.

This is not beta'd and I'm tired so I apologize for any and all mistakes and the dialogue in general because I tend to forget how humans speak which is why I avoid it as much as possible

Tagging as promised: @imhereforthetryus

[paulamehy]

Back when I was younger, I did label things that I like and things I hate. Identified things that I thought I don't need and those I needed from what the society approves. And as I age, I realized that categorizing things only will lead you to disappointment because you can't always get everything that you like. Whether you want it to be part of your life or not, you have no choice but to accept that one's existence doesn't only consists of beautiful things.

And as I realized that, I became aware of my entity as well. I only binded my sight on something that gives light, I was so positive that everything that surrounded me was capable of dropping things that I hate without me knowing that it will become part of my life in the future. I despise myself for having that way of thinking.

As much as possible I want to be in a role where I'm the most loved by everyone. I remember in my childhood days, amongst my friends I always choose cartoon character that I knew had the greatest and biggest role in the show, character that was pretty, kind, lovable, friendly, cheerful and in the main lead. And in real life, I have tons of friends because I don't want to look loner, I show off my talents to make people embrace me as a special one, I'm cheerful up-front because it's what made me being remembered, and in a circle I wanted to be the main lead. I gained people and I want to be accepted by them to the means of flaunting every qualified aspects that I have and even some that I didn't have. And the fact that I did those only because I thought they're all I needed, and it's what the society said.

I was loved because I chose to be loved; because I chose to be happy.

But I slowly became conscious about myself. Realization hits me that I'm not pretty enough, I don't have perfect body, I do and I love weird things that people might find offensive and awful, I'm smart but I'm lazy, neglectful and klutz, I have lots of sexual fetishes and addiction that can't be accepted by norm if you're a female, I'm a sadist, I always had lewd thoughts, I'm sympathetic but sometimes it's done half-hearted, I'm aggressive, warfreak and manipulative. I'm overconfident that I can manipulate people and feelings towards me forever because I was able to.

Those rascal traits of mine were flaunted after years ago, and to suprised that there was someone who still accepted me for who I am. I was the happiest person that time and I believe that nothing in this world can ever replace those memories.

But this is not a romance journal.

Until the darkness that I never thought I'll encounter came out.

People are saying that it is one's choice if they want to be happy. I started to lose my sanity the time that I became self-conscious, I became so insecure and anxious and I always compare myself to others because I felt that I'm not enough and unworthy to extent of me being disappointed with myself.

Those "just be happy" kind of statements will never work out.

And because I'm studying Psychology that time so I have hints on what's going on with me. I had some short time dealing with mania and depressive episodes, or I'm being sad and anxious for awhile but always end up being fine because there's someone who's taking care of me and making sure that everything's alright. It really worked out for several years and I think that was already my happy ending that doesn't need to be extended with any other person anymore.

Sequels are unnecessary in real life.

However, I can't blame that someone for looking for another party to love because I sucked at being lovable, I knew that it's because he was fed up and been tired of understanding this thing that even me can't understand. I just hate myself and that everyone else is better than me.

Apart from that, my parents eventually got separated due to third party. And for me, it is understandable that the one just fell out of love. Is it? I can't think of anything else to feel aside from accepting the reality and move on and besides, they are still my parents. But it really hurts a lot, so much that I can't find any definition from dictionary on how to describe how I felt.

Anguish.

But I can't come to hate every single person around me. I never called it "betrayal" because in the end I still blame it to myself. I lost most of the important persons in my life together with my trust in everything. In those people who believe that it's not my fault, I somehow dug for the reasons why I should blame myself.

I believe that I was hit by karma because I've done so much filthy things for the past few years that I can never put into words.

I really can't help myself but to cry to sleep every night, overdid everything to escape the reality that I'm now alone and in this miserable state. I became detached with the things that I used to love before such as singing, writing, reading and drawing as all I did for living is to work.

I tried different coping mechanisms. I used different people, been used by different people. Been in a bar every other day until I lose my consciousness. Beaten myself to job and repeat. I often found myself in hospital or clinic due to fatigue and other sickness and I just cry as I pity myself.

That's when I realized that I've been clinging to other people for happiness to the point that being alone agonized me so much. I can't calm myself anymore because in the first place it's not me who is pacifying myself everytime I'm having horrible thoughts, considering that I hated my existence to death.

My depressive episodes gotten worst, I started cutting my wrist, face and legs to reduce the pain which I never did before, I also tried overdosing myseIf using my medicines but I only ended up being asleep for two days and been drowsy, I was so insane that I even went to different place and decided to drown myself, but I was caught up by the guard.

As expected, I was diagnosed with Manic-Depression/Bipolar Disorder 10 months ago, and in 6 months I was in the process of medication, been taking psychotic, antidepressant drugs and such which made me numb and apathetic up to present. Those who knew about my horrible situation were only my previous colleagues. I somewhat managed to hide this from my family.

Several months ago, I started to weigh down some things to refresh my mind. I tried to survive on my own. I quit school, I moved to different workplace, been independent, cut ties with other people and I started to change some of my coping mechanisms.

I thought that those are the best things to do, but I knew to myself that its only because I want to run away from everything. I've tried too many coping mechanisms and escape was only the last option. Inever regret those things that I did in the past, but I felt that I need to put myself together for a bit. I don't have any plans on making myself better neither heal myself from the pain. I'll just exist and to my job right for the rest of my life.

It's been 6 months since I decided to slowly compose myself, I can't tell whether I'm completely recovered or what and I don't want to be complacent. I'm still on the same track, my thought are still bleak, I'm not happy neither sad, I don't feel anything towards everything literally and emotionally probably because of the medicines I'm currently taking. I'm coming to work for survival, I only have 1 friend that I can talk to with regard to office stuff, I am not standing out with anyone, a lowkey. I'm not accepting any courting or flirting. As much as possible I don't want to involve myself in infatuation. I changed every single aspects, habits, beliefs and behaviors that I can, and unexpectedly I was able to attain 6 months of not drinking any liquor. It doesn't make any sense but I feel like testing myself again.

I also created my bucket list that I want to fulfill before killing myself. But I just hope that I'll die without doing any self-infliction as I don't want to make any sin anymore.

The only trait that I knew was good and that I can't change is me being empathetic. I understand people for doing things whatever the reasons are even if it affects me, hurts me and such. I had this trait that I wish I didn't have.

In the end I never blamed anyone or anything because it's my choice to be in this situation. I got swallowed by the dark path that I just encountered and I don't think I can do anything else.

I just never loved myself to begin with.

[pbandjesse]

I'm really tired. Everyone was very surprised I came to work today was how badly injured I am. Honestly I probably could have stayed home but it's not like I didn't have a good time at work. It was a really good day. I am tired.

I slept good last night. I woke up once but I wasn't as freaked out and sleeping with the eye mask on definitely helps. I got up with my alarm at 7:30 and got dressed and felt very cute. I love my outfit today. It was only like 75 degrees out so I actually could wear sleeves and that was nice. It also helped protect my arm a little bit. The one. My elbow is pretty raw. And it hurts to bend and pick up stuff but we survived.

I had waffles for breakfast and then I headed to work. Kenneth set up tables and I unfold a chair since I couldn't pick anything up really. Honestly doing the chairs kind of hurt my arm but I was okay. The Cannery was fun but we had a big stressful moment because the person who was supposed to be doing the printmaking was an hour late. So nothing was set up and we didn't realize until right as the kids were getting there and I really shouldn't have moving to process so I had to do my best but then I got upset because I was in pain and I yelled down and somebody had to come up and do it because I was just so frustrated.

The Cannery went good. The kids were really sweet. And I stumble on my words a few times during The Company Store but mostly it was very good.

I got a half hour break. I eat my rice and chilled. And then I gave my door. There was a little bit of a problem because we ran into the neighborhood tour but it all worked out. Again I had some trouble talking because are being distracted and being in pain but at the end of the parent on my tour said that she liked it a lot and then I did a really great job and she just kept telling me how nice it was. I love giving Forest there. Just good because I have two in a row tomorrow.

I left there at 12:30 and just missed the bus as I was coming up the hill. A sweet old man was sitting on the bench and he told me he was mostly blind and asked if I could tell him when the 80 bus came. And I said of course and we talked about how nice the weather was and then his bus came. And thankfully mine came just a couple minutes after. I was texting chelsi that would be late and she told me I shouldn't even come because she was worried about me. But honestly I wanted to go see the school nurse. I don't know when you need to go to the doctor. I feel like no one ever taught me that and I just feel like I'm bothering people or it's a waste of time. When I was a kid we never went to the doctor unless we were dying. My dad didn't go until after he was done having shingles. I don't have good references for this. So I got to school and I went to the school nurse and she told me that it looks bad but it's going to keep spreading. But the blood vessels are going to spread out and then lighten. She said if it gets really bad in the next couple days like it swells up or I get a hard knot somewhere else on my leg that I should be concerned and then go to the doctor. But she said that it doesn't look that bad All Things Considered. She said it looks bad. And everyone else agreed. Because all day and that's all I had to hear. I told the story what happened like 75 times today. But I was good.

I picked up the kids and I got lots of hugs which is really what I wanted today. I was talking to Marcus and joking about that. Everyone kept saying that they would have stayed home if they were made but for real what was I going to do. Lay here and be sad. I'd rather be at work and be safe. We spend the kids will come and give me hugs and that's always nice.

We made mosaics today. Every day this week, which is just tomorrow and Wednesday, will introduce a different project that the kids have requested. So it was nice to be able to kind of come together and have options and tomorrow add more options to the board of what they can make and it's just going to be good.

We had a nice time at recess and dinner was fine. There was some conflict with one of the staff members because she thought we were taking up too many tables and kept trying to tell her this is where we always sit and she disagreed with us and I just didn't even get into it with her I'd let Chelsea handle it. I just couldn't deal with that today.

But art was really fun and I was very proud of the kids. And it was a fairly quick day. At the end of the day I ended up staying behind because one of my students parents was just really concerned. She was really worried about how they're communication is with her daughter and she doesn't know what to do. Apparently they live in a neighborhood where the girl can sleep through anything until there's gunshots. And then she freaks out and can't sleep. I don't blame her. But she doesn't feel like they can talk to each other. So I suggested they do a mommy and me Journal where they can talk to each other through that. Where it's a judgement free zone and they can get things out. Maybe it'll help. I felt really bad and I wish there was something I could have done more for them. I really like the girl. But I understand where mother is coming from and it's really hard. For everybody.

When I got outside I had to run for the bus. But he didn't make me pay for it so that was cool. And then I got back to my bike and went up to James's place.

He made me a pizza bagel. And we hung out until all of the D&D people got there. First time in almost three months! It's been too long since I've seen all of them. But it was nice to be around other people for a bit. I got to try fancy Japanese Kit Kats because one of them had just gotten back from Japan. It was really fun.

As their game got started though I headed out. Said goodbye to everyone. Tentatively told Jordan that we may still be able to go to his birthday. But I'm not sure if we're going back to Philly for Father's Day and now so who knows what's going on there. And then I came back home.

Where I became crazy angry because again the new people next door locked the back gate. So I couldn't get into my Ally. So I couldn't get into my apartment. I had to go all the way around the block to the front drag my bike in through the door where it does not fit. And go back into my apartment. I went outside and I kicked the fuck out of that gate. I broke that lock right off which is what I told them I was going to do. I gave them a warning that if they locked me out of my apartment again I would remove the lock and I was serious. If they do it again I will remove the door. I cannot wait to not live in this apartment anymore because those people next door have ruined it for me. Besides any issue I had in this apartment as soon as they moved and they have made everything around here miserable. They put trash in the alleyway they let their dog shit everywhere and they lock me out of the place I live. They do not own that public shared space. And it is ridiculous that I have to continue to ask not to be locked out. I told them to put on a type of gate where you can open it from both sides they didn't listen. I had my dad fix the gate so that it would stay closed when that broke I fixed it. And then when it broke again their maintenance people fixed it and out of the second one that broke her most immediately. The spring is still whole and that should be good enough. If it is not you guys can then put on a different piece I am not fixing it again. It is so crazy to me that they think that they can lock that gate when I live here. They know they're not the only ones that can get through that gate and it is insanity. I will not put up with it anymore.

But after I did that I calm down. They will not lock me out again so there's that. So I felt better. I brought Sweet Pea inside and I went and took a shower. My new dress came that I got on eBay it fits me great and I feel super cute in it. And basically the rest of my day has been great. I'm very sleepy. I'm going to go have a snack and then I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed. I have double doors tomorrow and then teaching at the school. I think it's going to be an excellent day. James has his second interview and I'm very excited for him. I hate that it's on the phone for him because that sounds horrible but I hope that it goes well. He's such a good boy and he deserves to get this job. And I hope you all have a great night tonight. Sleep well everyone. Be safe out there.