#I might also just need to stop smoking weed and playing fallout because this could totally just be my imagination | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

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8/17/19 1:47am SU 10/? - Olivia, aka Why I Quit Tinder

After I finally gave up on Rachel coming back to me I decided to launch right back into the swiping game. It’s the beginning of April still, so Rachel had only freshly started ghosting me for good. So I moved along pretty quick, I suppose.

I was still determined to quit melee, and playing more guitar, and speedrunning mega man, and watching a bunch of anime. But now I felt a little spoiled by Rachel. She was incredible, so if I was going to find a suitable girl to replace her from Tinder of all places, I wasn’t going to find her by putting out some homogeneous slosh of a profile and weeding through vanilla girls.

No, this time I figured I’d try to turn away as many as possible by creating the most nerdy avant-garde tinder profile I’d ever created and attract only the weirdos. I’m pretty sure I even put that I was a furry in there, because I definitely remember girls asking about it. I put that my interests were anime, video games, drinking, smoking, Pokemon, I don’t even remember. It was definitely a mess. and I didn’t get very many matches. Which is what I wanted, ofc.

But there is one person I DID match with. Olivia. Cute little asian girl, short, not really skinny but not overweight by any means (which is better off than most girls I’ve gone out with from Tinder), and had great taste in anime and nerdy shit. We talked about video games and shit, she was really into CoD at the time I think, and we were pretty quick to escalate things to sending nudes and sexting lmfao. I was out of town visiting Darlin for the week because I needed to recuperate from the Rachel fallout, and was pretty pumped to chill and play some Earth Defense Force (SNES), binge on mint chocolate chip ice cream and smoke cigarettes by the river out back.

She was into video games so we were talking about childhood favorites and stuff, and made plans for her to come over for the weekend when I got back and spend a couple days together. She was bragging a lot about her ability to make edibles, and I told her she had a high bar to pass since I made some great ones myself, and the ones that Kailey used to make for us were even better. But she was confident. And also very excited to suck me off.

SooooooOOoOOoOooOoo she convinced me to leave a day early from Darlin’s, take off in practically the middle of the night (I think I left about 11pm) and pick her up to meet up with her earlier so we’d have an extra day.

She was staying at her friend’s place in a trailer park that night, and it was kind of on the way back home to Greensboro. So I swung by a bit out of the way, and we instantly started making out in the car. We decided we couldn’t wait to get home and decided to pull over into this field to the left of the trailer park so we could fuck real quick. It was cold and dewy and the grass was patchy, so I started trying to dig around for a towel and she said what the fuck do you need that for? So we had sex right then and there on the ground. Not ideal, but definitely fun lol. We got in the back seat to dry off, smoke a cigarette, and chit chat for a while now that we were finally talking face to face. She told me about how she was a squirter, and one thing led to another and we started fucking again in my back seat. SHE WAS NOT KIDDING THOUGH. When she said she was a squirter, I mean

-continued 8/23/19 1:57am-

I mean she SOAKED my backseat. Like the seats were drenched to capacity. Like there was practically a layer of fluid resting on top of the seats. It was almost unsettling, definitely made me raise an eyebrow lol. Like a lot of times squirting is pretty hot but when it’s that.. voluminous I’m pretty tentative as to the nature of fluids being excreted, to say the least.

Anyway, that’s all fine, it’s fine. Doesn’t matter had sex, right? It’s absolutely more amusing than disgusting in my opinion.

We make it home to my place and had a cigarette on my porch and started talking about some shit on the stoop. We started talking about some fucked up shit like how she got abused and how she had a new baby. And I was like woah what the fuck why didn’t you mention you had a kid, and she tells me that her family’s helping take care of her but she doesn’t know what to do with it because the dad left because they were addicted to meth when they conceived and I was like WHAT. and she was like yeah and I can’t give this one away to my aunt and uncle like the last one. and I was like WHATT.

So then I had a moment of like “Tyler what have you gotten yourself into this time? Is this really where we’re at now? We’re in for a couple days of this yknow.” and then I thought “well thank god I’ve already got my vasectomy LOL.”

We also talked about a bunch of less serious stuff like pokemon and the castlevania anime and she showed me some of that before we passed out. Must’ve been like 4 in the morning at least.

The next day we woke up hellllllla late and were on a quest to test out how great her edibles actually were. We fucked that morning (well really late afternoon), went off to my buddy’s place to pick up an eighth, hung out there for a bit, then went to the grocery store to get spaghetti and meatball and cookie stuff. The closest grocery store is like 12 minutes away from my house for some damn reason. I swear everything in Greensboro was always a 15 minute drive away. We got back to my place, got some weed simmering in butter, started making meatballs and stuff, and we realized we didn’t actually get the cookie dough to make the edibles with. We were like ahhhh whatever we’ll cross that bridge later. Left the weed on the pot, had some delicious spaghetti and meatballs, watched one of her favorite anime movies while we ate in the living room. God the meatballs she made were actually sick, I remember I ate like 5 plates of spaghetti. She only had like 1, drank like 12 beers, and I had like 6. So we decided to go out to boxcar for a while and play some games. It’s pretty late like 12 or 1? I walk in, uncomfortably full of spaghetti, and ask her what she wants to play. She says Dance Dance Revolution. I’m like oh shit let’s fucking go then. We played through a song and a half (i’m on standard she’s on light), at which point she FALLS ONTO THE FUCKING FLOOR. I’m like holy shit are you okay and jump down to check on her, and she’s just like “yeah, i’m fine. Let’s get another drink.” I’m like holy shit lol what but really i’m like “haha okay.” So on the way over to the bar she asks me what are you drinking? and I say “oh I don’t know, some cheap beer or something.” We sit down at the bar and she’s like “two glasses of scotch, please.” and I’m like fuhuuuuuuuck me hahahaha. Really fucking courteous of her, but I’m literally stuffed to the brim with spaghetti and meatballs and beer, and now it’s all jostled up from playing DDR, but whatever. We cheers, she gulps her down and I gulp down... half of mine before it starts feeling like it’s going to come back up. I try to save it like I pull it up to my nose and swirl it around like “ahhh yes, quite, indeed. That’s some good stuff.” and she just says “uhh.. aren’t you gonna finish it?” and in my head I’m like god damn man yeah just give me a fucking second lmao. But really I’m like “yeah of course.” Gulp down the second half of the glass, and it does NOT sit. I start puking, spew puke into the glass til it’s almost full to the brim, then manage to regain my constitution to stop and sprint off to the bathroom, puking frothed spaghetti sauce all over some poor toilet.

I get out of the bathroom, we play another game or two, and it’s time to go. Like it’s 2 at this point, the bar’s about closed. We get to my car and she realizes she forgot her purse, so I say don’t worry I’ll go get it. Meet the bartender, who has pure hatred in her eyes and starts to hand over the purse, but before she will she says to me “the next time you puke in a fucking glass, you throw that shit away yourself. Got it?” and I’m like OHHH FUCK I FORGOT I LEFT IT ON THE BAR WHEN I RAN TO THE BATHROOM SHIT. But I just tell her I’m really sorry and get the fuck out of there. Laid low and didn’t go back for a couple of weeks after that one hahahaha.

Anyway, we get home, I’ve had like negative drinks now since going to the bar, and we still have that weed simmering and need to get the cookie dough. So we drive the 15 minutes out to the 24hr grocery store, get some cookie dough, come back, and it’s nowhere to be found. I was like “what? I handed it to you before we left, where did it go?” and she said “no you definitely had it.” and I was like whaaaaaat the fuckkkk. I say “whatever, this is at least as much my fault as it is yours, it’s no big deal,” and we drive BACK to the grocery store. I’m checking the self checkout area to see where we might have set it down, when a security guard who watched us leave asked if anything was the matter. I say yeah, I’m just trying to find the cookie dough we bought, and he says “oh she walked out with it.” 🤦 So I scan around the parking lot, maybe it fell off the car or something? Finally give up and tell her I can’t find it, start checking inside my car and we find it underneath her seat lol.

So whatever, we finally have all our ingredients for edibles and the butter is ready as fuck and we’re ready to go. So she’s like here take the ingredients and mix them together. And in my head I’m like alright fine if you’re making these cookies I might as well contribute a little bit. So I mix them up, and she’s just having me do step by step, until she’s finally like “okay now make them into cookies and put them onto the tray and cook them for like 15 minutes” and I’m like “wait what part of these fucking cookies are You making?” So I convince her to do the actual baking part, so I can finally relax and have a beer, my stomach is still feeling kind of uncomfortably full, and I’ve been driving around for an hour and I’m kinda over it by this point.

The cookies are finished at 4:20 in the morning. Hilariously perfect. She pulls them out, and they’re slightly burnt. Ugh. At least they’re not so burnt that they’re not inedible, just a little stiff. I start munching on one. It tastes very weedy. Like the chocolate chips are the only part that don’t just taste like weed. and it’s not soft at all, it’s like a cracker. So I’m chomping through it, kinda cracking my way through it really, when she says to me “so? how is it??” She looks pretty excited. I say “ah, they’re pretty good! Aren’t you gonna have one?”

She says “no, I don’t smoke.”

🤦 🤦 🤦 🤦 🤦 🤦 🤦

[in my head] I’m like what in the hell did we do all of this for then? We didn’t need to do ANY of that. Jesus. whatever.

Then she says to me “hey do you want to rail some xanax?” and I’m like “what? It’s 4:30 in the morning. If I rail some xanax now I’m just going to pass out.” She says “that doesn’t make any sense, xanax is a party time drug, not a sleepy time drug.” So I was like “alright fine then lol.” She spilled some beer on some of it and we had to set it out to dry, but we got two lines laid out and railed them. We laid down in bed and she was asleep no shit 5 minutes later.

The next day we mostly hung around and fucked til she had to leave, she had some job interview I think. We did some kinky handcuff shit since I had my toys back from Mary’s at this point. And she is the one girl who’s asked me to switch to anal out of nowhere. I obliged, but it’s not really my thing now that I can cum in any orifice without worrying about it. Still, pretty neat lol, she’s definitely unique for that.

As soon as she walked out of the door, Ash was like “good. Wash your sheets, your room smells like piss.” Did I mention? Every time we fucked she would squirt like she did in the car and it kind of amounted to me having a soaked bed. Absolutely filthy :3 hahaha

She wanted to hang out more, but I had to broke things off as gently as I could. She had to come by to pick up some stuff she forgot, gave me a little pikachu figurine that I’ve got on my dresser now, and I was just like yeah we’re not really gonna do this again.

All in all I thought she was a really nice person, and we had a lot of fun shit in common. But being confronted with that level of degeneracy was incredibly unnerving. I was like “man is this what I look like to people? Probably. Wow. Huh.”

I decided I was over it for a bit. I was gonna focus on speedrunning and karaoke and guitar and chilling, and determined that if girls happened to land in my lap at karaoke that’d be just fine, but that I was totally over seeking them out. It was just too much, I needed to straighten myself out a little bit more or something. Or at least just give up on Tinder because it was not a good look for me anymore. I’ve redownloaded it a few times for various reasons, but not for very long and have never met up with anyone online since. RIP

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