#I mean i would also smoke a ton of weed to numb myself after moving away when i was finally happy

[jonathanbyersphd]

Another day of being exhausted of Jonathan Byers slander

[shabebe]

in the beginning of august well maybe like the middle of august i decided u knkow what like maybe embracing being single will actually be really cool and good for me in every aspect. because i had this super unrealisitic chronic thought in my head that i would meet my ~soulmate and have a really hot boyfrend and that everything would be amazing and my depression would be cured. my desire for a boyfriend has chilled out tremendously from its peak when i was around 19 i would just nonstop think about ~manifesting my soulmate and like wow thats so lame that a boyffriend is like the epitomy of ur existence? but i still wanted that to cure my depression and the hole in my heart... but anyway i just never had a relationship because everything is about timing timing timing and i had to learn a lot about myself and my unhealthy tendencies and coping mechanisms and learn that im actually pretty unstable (getting better) but honestly i became really slutty around age 15 after some sexual abuse i guess i became really slutty to deal with it and my sluttiness had increased tremendously after college(2017) because college was really lonely at first for me i moved out and i was at a really low point in my life like super self concious and super low selfesteem... i moved back in  with my parents (2018) and it was just a healthier environment for me and i started working on myself A TON and changed A LOT like stopped smoking weed took out my piercings (lol) and focused on my health trying to cure my very mild but pestulant eating disorder. and i “relapsed” on weed pretty bad then quit again then relapsed again REALLY bad this time (2019) and this past summer met some people who were really really nice ive always been blessed with having friends im really lucky i pretty much always have as many friends as  i need and theyre alwayss so genuine but i also had so many ugly boy situations this past year like that could have been avoided but whatevr live and learn not to be so desperate lmao but ok i met this one guy i mean it wasnt serious at all but it really affected me for some reason and this summer i just relapsed on being depressed because my medicine had been working really really well the past year and i was excelling in school and just doing amazing but i just started smoking dabsSOOO MUCH,,, and just smoked dabs all day like a zombie and didnt do anything..no art, no sewing, no shopping/thrifting, no swimming like literally crackheaded for dabs constantly and for sex probabbly too.. like sex became something that i neveer wanted it to become which was just an addiction and a material object and i would just use people for sex when in reality sex actually does mean so much more to me than that its just that i have depression and its hard to cope and sometimes the addictive tendencies are the only thing that numbs tha pain... but i got insight to quit smoking and gradually quitt now that its the fall and school has started. then one of my actual exes that i had feelings for and our relationship ended kind of badly because of ME (i felt sad and blamed myself for us breaking up every night for like a yearrrrr nonstop) he text me to hang out and my dumbass gives it a chance but he just wanted to fuck whihc is fine but we were on completely different pages but it really really helped me finally get over that situation which had caused me pain for so long...!!!! so glad that happened and the timing was good. and the quitting the weed helped my mental health tremendously. now im glowing. and something i truly never expected to happen has happened in my life