#I may have outdone myself this time lol

[inchidentally]

https://www.tumblr.com/piastrisms/738775293993549824?source=share

I NEED YOUR ANALYSIS OF THIS VIDEO! PLEASE <3

okay listen this has spun me out into a whOLE thing so let's take another trip down a road I like to call Why is the Non-RPF Real Life Relationship between Oscar and Lando So Endearing and Boyish and Sweet:

so my absolute favorite thing about Lando's face when he's relaxed or in his natural element is how absolutely every. single. emotion. he's feeling is broadcast at equal volume. his vulnerability is a massive part of his charisma. but! he has to have the right habitat! streaming, Youtube, his lifelong friends - those are the right habitat.

F1 is not naturally the right habitat.

when Carlos found Lando on his proverbial driver's doorstep he did not know what to make of him and Lando was barely able to squeak out a few words around anyone new or when a camera was around. but! Carlos trained Lando into how to bounce a dynamic between the two of them just like he'd been doing with his last awkward baby, Max. interestingly Max was much more excitable and eager to please of the two and Lando's intense shyness took a LOT of work to get past. but once Carlos had gotten the drift of Lando's super silly sense of humor it was smooth sailing. and then with Daniel it was even easier because half the time Daniel knew he was expected to carry the conversation. it's interesting because Lando allowed a bit of that old shyness to come back and it definitely disarmed Daniel a bit in a satisfying way. but thanks to those big personalities, Lando found his F1 self and even started to deal back and lead occasionally. of course DTS and a lot of media pilloried him for this because apparently what Carlos and Daniel do naturally is seen as snottish and bratty for him to do. the Youtube/streamer personality where he felt so safe did not at all translate onto other platforms and media.

so it hasn't been smooth sailing for Little Lando Norris to know how to be as a person in F1.

cut to 2023 and with the advent of Oscar we've seen a slow dismantling of Lando's F1 PR personality completely in his content with Oscar over the season. their very first unboxeds Lando was still wearing his guarded PR face and assuming he should lead and carry all the content. it was still sort of around for the Jenga/Garden Games challenges but had started to soften around the Austin filming (including the Finish the Lyrics classics). at some point, Lando truly realized that Oscar would still be fond of him even when Lando was in a terrible, low blood sugar type mood (Tic Tac Toe etc) and oh wow!

their content could really just be Lando being whatever he was feeling that day/that moment and Oscar smiling and finding him funny/cute/fascinating! that was enough! he didn't even know that was allowed! (and maybe it wouldn't have been if Oscar wasn't there to bolster him)

and that's when we started getting unguarded, authentic Lando instead of entertaining Lando. and it's because Oscar was the person next to him representing all of us, trying to tell Lando that we just wanted to see him. we didn't care if he was 'on' or not. he's just an interesting outdoor cat we want to watch go about his life.

which is why we got Lando letting himself sit and stare right back at Oscar like this.

where we can see his expressions do that slow blossoming thing, and right in full view of just Oscar. it's the anti-DTS material because it isn't open to the camera and easy to manipulate. narrative television hates when two people go into quiet, subtle communication because it can't be made into a false dramatic arc. (trust me they'll invent one using chopped up footage and even more chopped up commentary lol they always do but it'll be uphill work)

but when you contrast this with the nonstop, quick back-and-forth Lando has with Carlos and Daniel it's where we pick up on the something that's so unique to Lando with Oscar. it's wrong and making way too big an assumption to say it's a closer friendship bc you can't quantify other people's friendships that way. but it's very, very different to those friendships. and the biggest difference that we on the outside can see is that Lando allows himself to determine exactly How He Will Be. and that might change from one minute to the next! and that doesn't always go down well with most people!

but every time, no matter what, Oscar smiles and laughs and everything Lando does is alright. he gets it. Lando means no harm and he's got a good, warm heart. if he likes you then that won't change just because his mood changes.

like their end of season message. Lando went from doing a great job summarizing his thoughts for the viewers, handed it over to Oscar and just... watched. didn't get bored and stare at the camera or off into space. I actually compiled just how often Lando spends staring openly at Oscar into one long gif lol:

he fully knows he's still on camera but he turns himself into a viewer instead of bouncing around and off of what Oscar is saying. Oscar gave him that, he can give it right back.

and there's no specific Lando-Oscar dynamic like there is Lando-Carlos and Lando-Daniel. hell, Lando's got a dynamic with just about anyone. except! Max F, Martin Garrix (and probably quite a few of his friendships that we're never actually even shown) and Oscar. with those people we see Lando be precisely whatever he's feeling at that moment because they'll either indulge it or enjoy it depending on how good or bad the mood is. if it's Lando, it's all good.

I feel like there's a commonality with those people of being quiet but strong as opposed to the big and bold of most of the F1 drivers on the grid. Max F absolutely has obvious similarities to Oscar (I still love how much he sided with Oscar when he watched the 'most likely to' video). I don't know a lot about Martin but it's literally a DJ's job to be enough apart from the crowd to read it and they set the energy passively through what they spin. Oscar is a fun guy who loves being around the people he cares about but he's never The Guy that it all turns around.

and for their own reasons, they find Lando inherently fascinating and lovable. whereas Lando has to inhabit Carlos', Daniel's, George's, etc etc worlds because they are in themselves The Guy Everyone's Watching just like Lando. Lando has to share. he has to figure it out. but guys like Max F and Oscar do not have the energy or interest in being The Guy. they'd choose privacy over popularity every single time if they were made to. and actually come to think of it, they have actively chosen privacy at the expense of popularity quite a few times.

because let's look at Oscar's face when Lando teasingly brings up Oscar's sprint win:

Oscar gives Lando that genuine, affectionate smile and ducks his head because he wants Lando to know that he appreciates it. in truth, that Sprint win was hailed by wider F1 community as being a massive achievement for a rookie in the Max V era of dominance. they both know that it is. but Oscar didn't posture or show off about it and for that Lando has made sure to bring it up on his behalf time and again. Oscar gave him that, Lando can give it back to him.

which is even sweeter going back to that post race video because Oscar gives Lando that same affectionate, private smile. he's had to throw the video's content over to Lando and Lando gave him that big affectionate smile first because this is how they do these videos. it's always awkward - especially if their results that day weren't great - but they know that together they can do these videos and share a laugh over how absurd it feels sometimes.

and the hint of a private joke between the two of them is there early on and you can just feel Lando relax into it.

and when you skip all the way to their last race media duties and this interview, it truly surprised me how much Lando kept checking in with Oscar - the rookie! -as he was answering. when he found himself giving boring PR answers he threw in a joke that he knew Oscar would crease up over. sure enough it loosened them both up.

and like, that's where the vulnerability and openness comes from now with Lando. he's got a teammate who is basically the same age, who gets him and who actively wants Lando to just be Lando. who clearly threw Lando at first by inadvertently foiling those attempts to establish a dynamic or a bromance. who Lando probably at first thought was just shy and awkward. but Oscar stayed true to who he is and kept that door open for Lando to eventually walk through.

so when it's the two of them, it's everyone else who's on the outside looking in. they're just being themselves. if that doesn't make everyone else feel entertained or happy they honestly don't care - and will probably share a secretive little smile about it.

it's also why they sometimes do that twinning thing and creep everyone out asfgjlaflsgjf

[sardonic-sprite]

*evil cackling* I present to you: Fanfic ask game

B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

&

N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?

Hmmm ok. So for B, I guess "Adopt A Rescue" was inspired by my seeing rescue cats at a pet store, and reading how some needed to be kept together and I immediately thought of bby Jay and bby Timmy. Welcome to Gotham U came to me as a fever dream in lab one day, but nothing in it has ever actually happened to me, it's just... *flails hands around* lab

But OH

OH

I fucking forgot

Alright buckle up babies lemme tell you about Deliver Us From Evil

This bitch.

so last summer we took a family trip to a bunch of national parks in america. hiking, sightseeing, wildlife tours, photo tours... and white water rafting (wwr)

Now, I'm not adventurous, but i LOVE wwr, and it brings out my daring side like its my last day on earth. it's my family, plus i think 2 other parties, and one of those parties has these two middle school boys.

our guide and the boys are having fun messing with each other, and the guide offers everyone chances to like, go up to the front of the boat, sit on the edge, hold on for dear life, and the boys do it, and i won't be outdone by two infants who probably still think excrement-based humor is the pinnacle of comedy, so i also do it and love it. adrenaline is PUMPING i have never felt more alive, i have the biggest, wildest grin.

we reach a calm spot in the water, and the guide, who's been teasing/threatening the boys with teaching them about rapids classes the whole time, offers to do it now. he gets permission from them and their parents, and then one at a time, gets them out of the boat, holds tight to their life jackets, and starts dunking them underwater and pulling them back up, same number of dunks as class of rapids.

we're all a little shocked, but i was clamoring the whole time to also learn rapid classes, and, like i said, i am NOT going to be outdone by self-righteous munchkins. the guide really did not want to do it, lol, but i insisted, bc my absolutely BONKERS writer brain was going RESEARCH!!!!

my poor mother thought i was clinically insane, and she's probably right, but like, i'm fine, so.

anyway, that, folks, is the story of how i got myself consensually waterboarded so i could write about torture :)

Seriously, never, never, ever do that at home, though, people, like, do not. I'm giving y'all the notes I wrote the second I got my hands on my phone, so if you want to write about waterboarding or drowning, USE MY FIRSTHAND ACCOUNT NOT YOUR OWN!!

Dunked many times right in a row. Throat hurts, stomach hurts, nose runs, can't breathe, coughing, might feel like you wanna throw up. a few seconds of a break didn't help, you'll beg to stop. Barely any time to take in a breath, doesn't even help much. Frightening even when you are in control of situation. Water blinds you for a few seconds even if your eyes were closed. Disoriented and clumsy for a minute. All this was with someone going easy on me. Shivering and teeth chattering in even with water at 65ish degrees. Could maybe lead to hypothermia or get water in lungs. Being hauled into the boat scrapes you up a lil, especially if the person isn't being careful Going out of the boat you go under for a second, even with a life jacket. Hauled out/shoved down by shoulders of life jacket See water droplets in the corner of your eyes Might warm up a lil but you can get back to shivering even out of the water Hair still wet for a good while if longish Hands and knuckles start to hurt from holding onto the rope Might grit your teeth for a while Blasted heat makes it better but can also be hard to breath through your nose Chest might feel a lil sore

Q, you probably got SO much fucking more than you bargained for lmao, all I can hope is that I may have *inspired* you ;)

And as for N, yes. I desperately wish some writer fairy would just poof The Light Isn't Fadin' into completion, bc it was a hugely ambitious and nebulous project that I genuinely don't know what to do with, but that so many people have asked me about/told me they want to see continued that I kinda feel obligated now.

[doubleddenden]

So I'm doing nanowrimo kinda, buy I'm working my own rules

And uh. I finished what's basically a "book" I've been working on for a while, but I see it more or less as a volume 1 instead. This "volume" was the first part of my story thats usually only a chapter or 2 long, and now it's basically a small novel lol

I'm kind of excited but I'm also feeling my own pressure. I've been working on this story since I was 15, and I've scrapped, polished, adjusted, trashed, shelved, and rewritten portions until, at 30, I've finally gotten to a point I wanna say "good enough" and finally move on to the MEAT of my story.

Idk, I'm trying I guess. Life's shit all around, I'm in constant pain, I'm depressed af, I feel alone, and tbh physically I'm not getting much better. But dammit, I'm kinda proud of myself for the first time in a long time for doing something just for myself and nobody else. It's not perfect, even now I wish I had written a couple of things differently, but it's still a step I'm finally taking.

I kind of have stupidly high hopes for this story, and in my head I see it becoming a high quality anime, movie, and game series beloved by many- now will that happen? Absolutely not. I'm aware I'm just a lowly nobody and this dream will probably be shot out of the sky by some dream crushing reality check bomb. But even so, I still want to try to indulge this fantasy of mine- my last dream of at least writing a fun story people like- that I like, anyway, inspired by the things I grew up liking and being inspired by with my own lessons I want to teach people. This story is the most precious thing I have left in my awful life, and I want it to be amazing.

Someday I'll publish- but I think I'm going to wait until the full adventure is finished. It's long, it's complex, it will take time and patience, but I hope to finish at least this story before I die someday, whenever that may be.

Idk just... give me some strength not to chicken out. This is one of the few moments I feel pride in my work, and honestly I could have taken the easy way out. My writing program apparently updated itself to have AI writing capabilities and I could have clicked that and just edit where I felt like it. But I didn't! I'm human, this story is about humanity, and I'm not going to be outdone by a fucking robot!

[ducavalentinos]

How would you rate Sabatini's biography on Cesare? I love it, but I wondered if you had any other (English) recommendations? Also take a shot everyone Sabatini interrupts his narrative to talk about how hot Cesare was sfhttjjggj

I think as far as Cesare bios goes, I’d rate his biography 7/10. I have conflicted feelings with Sabatini’s work, because I love his writing style, his sense of humour is great, it matched mine right away, and he has such a genius way of pointing out the hypocrisy and double standards applied to the Borgia family. He cleverly shows how much of the Borgia myths and general accusations thrown their way are connected to politics (shocker!) and to their Spaniard, and less nobly origins. Not to mention how he exposes the historical bias against Cesare, and general dishonesty with him, from primary sources to modern historians such as Gregorovius, that paragraph Sabatini wrote about him was truly a moment in the Borgia historical literature for me, I'm glad he said it. I just wish he hadn't fallen so hard for the Machiavellian Prince archetype about Cesare. The more I re-read his work, the more it becomes clear to me he took Machiavelli’s writings about Cesare at face value, fell in love with the image presented by him, and then proceeded (whether consciously or unconsciously) to apply this interpretation, one that has its limitations and flaws on their own, to all the facets of Cesare’s character, and all the other aspects of his life lol, which resulted in this too strict, robot-like persona. There is no nuance, no deepth to Cesare’s Sabatini, he exists only as the stoic, unscrupulous, unfeeling Machiavellian Prince. It’s a mistake I see being made time and again by most of Cesare’s biographers, many who follow Sabatini too blindly, or just Borgia biographers in general tbh, but Sabatini’s bio acutely illustrates this particular issue better than the other bios I’ve read I think, (with the exception perhaps of Beuf’s “work”, who somehow managed to outdone Sabatini in this Machiavellian presentation of Cesare, taking it to new extremes with super dramatic and misleading writing, for the most part). And you know, I always get the impression Sabatini had his own conflicted feelings in regards to The Prince, and its clear-headed, pragmatic politics. He seemed to admired it and feel repulsed by it at the time. And those mixed feelings sometimes ended up leaking into his view and writing about Cesare and some historical events, and what he believed had happened (e.g., the take of Urbino), and I find that very interesting. In any case, the point is: Sabatini’s Cesare is unrealistic, and it constantly enters into conflict with what Sabatini also presents as evidence for his history. I mean, he insists throughout the book in reaffirming Cesare was a utter egoist, cold man. Only moved by his ambition and thirst for power. He was incapable of kindness, or of being considerate with others, of feeling compassion, without ulterior motives involved. All of his actions were always calculated to only serve his own interests. Everyone around him were pawns to be used and discarded when they were no longer of any use to him. We are to believe he was a cynic, a block of ice, essentially. We are also to believe he never had genuine emotional bonds with anyone, much less with women. Women were interchangeble to him. Sabatini was convinced he was a man incapable of having a sentimental side, of loving or of having any connection with them beyond the physical aspect. But then, in between chapters, sometimes pages, he also tell us how Cesare seems to have deeply grieved the death of his cousin, Giovanni Borgia, whom he refers as Mio Fatre in his letters. He gives an honest, if quick, account about the marriage and relationship between Cesare and Charlotte d’Albret, in which Cesare’s obvious feelings for her can be seen, as well as his kindness and respect towards her. Sabatini admits the evidence shows they may well have loved each other, and that when leaving Charlotte in charge of all his affairs in France, as the governor and administrator of his lands and lorships there, as well as his heiress in case of his death, Cesare shows “his esteem of her and the confidence he reposed in her mental qualities.” And of Cesare’s policies and behavior as its ruler in the Romagna, it reaches a point where his mere self-interest doesn’t quite alone explain his relationship with this romagnese subjects and many of his decisions. It undermines Sabatini’s claim that it was for show and for his political gain. Last but not least, what is one supposed to make of the hypothesis he posits to the what I like to call, the Dorotea affair? This event is the peak of his contradiction and his mental gymnastics, because to be sure, his hypothesis is not far-fetched. I will concede I thought it was the first I read his bio. But over the years, between carefully separating fiction from history and reading other sources, then going back to his bio, I recognized his hypothesis is one of the plausible ones, certainly more plausible than the official sensationalistic narrative of Cesare simply abducting the innocent maiden Dorotea out on a whim, to satisfy his lust, (the fact Borgia scholars  are still repeating this narrative with a straight face is beyond my comprehension), I can see Cesare doing what he proposes, it def. aligns better with my understanding of him, and all the historical material I’ve read about him and his times, however, this hypothesis is completely irreconcilable with Sabatini’s Cesare. So, he says one thing, then he says another that’s incompatible with the first thing he said, and then proceeds to show evidence that either puts into doubt or confirms the opposite of his characterization of Cesare. And that’s only considering the historical info he dedided to include in his bio. If he had included some of the info Alvisi presents in his Duca di Romagna, a work he must have checked out, if not read it all, given one of the languages he spoke was Italian, and Alvisi’s bio is the best and most authoritative historical work made to date about Cesare and his life, I believe he would have struggled a lot more than he did. It just seems like he enters into a trap of his own making. Turning an already difficult task more difficult than it needs to be, honestly. Ironically, his stance is as messy and contradictory as the aforementioned Gregorovius in his Lucrezia Borgia, where you also have two Cesare(s): the one he sees and wants to present versus the one that emerges from the his own writing at times and historical material he himself exposes it. Overall, his work frustrates on some fronts, and I think it could have been better. It has its faults, some the typical faults/vices fond in Borgia biographies, others very much his own, but nevertheless I have a fondness for his bio which I do not share with others bios on Cesare, or the Borgia family. It is the only bio in the English language I find myself reading again and again, and the one I would put it first as better, or more decent, in this language about Cesare. I admire his honesty, and his bravery in challenging a little bit of Cesare’s dark legend, and the baseless accusations attached to his name. I appreciate what he tried to do, the very least of what I expect from a serious historian when dealing with figures as infamous in popular imagination as Cesare and Rodrigo Borgia. There is no denying his work was one of the main works which advanced Cesare’s historical literature, and the approach to his figure. Moving slightly from the literary, colorful, villain-like character of the Italian Renaissance, towards starting to be more seriously studied as a historical figure properly. And oh my god, yes, interrupting the narrative to talk about how hot Cesare was. It’s funny you mentioned that, because I don’t remember him doing that so much (time for a re-read!), but that's one of the characteristics of the Borgian/Cesarean historical literature heh. I’m yet to read a bio where authors do not feel the need to take a moment to talk about how hot he was, some even a poetic way lol, it’s so amusing, and always the one thing I know I will agree with them, if nothing else. Also, I think Borgia bios have huge potential for drinking games! Like: take a shot of tequila every time Cesare gets badmouthed for no reason, or baselessly asserted guilty of questionable murders, fratricide, rape, and abduction. Or when Juan and Cesare envied and hated each other narrative is repeated. Or when Guicciardini, Sanuto, Cappello and Giustinian are uncritically used as credible sources for Rodrigo and Cesare. Every time Lucrezia gets painted as the Good Borgia, the pretty, passive doll who was the helpless victim of the terrible Borgia men. Or when authors get uncomfortably shippy with the Cesare/Lucrezia relationship resulting in exaggerated claims such as: Lucrezia was Cesare’s only exception, or they were unusually close as siblings, etc. And of course, whenever Cesare’s hotness and allure has to be talked about dsjdsjsj, the list is long, and I think it will get you drunk very quickly. I know I couldn’t keep up back when I was reading Sacerdote’s bio, and I was drinking wine so. As for recs in the English language, I would say Woodward’s bio has its value in terms of sources and historical documents. I also think his analysis about politics, about Cesare’s goverment in the Romagna, and also concerning the conclave of 1503 are generally good. His last five, four chapters are the best ones imo, so if you are interested in these points I mentioned, it might be worth checking out. I would just open a caveat saying that as far as a biography about the person of Cesare Borgia is concerned, it is weak and to be read with a grain of salt. I was mostly unimpressive by his work on that front, and I thought about quitting time and again. He likes presenting himself as the impartial historian, (a big red flag that only makes me twice as cautious when reading any historical work) writing in a mostly sober tone, but of course like all scholars, all people, he has his bias, and they do come to surface from time to time. He displays an peculiar antipathy and ill will towards Cesare at times, which leads to harsh, confusing, unsubstantiated claims about his character and some of the events about his life. In contrast, you can see he is more benevolent and fair towards Rodrigo Borgia, and a constant thought I had while reading his bio was that he obviously chose the wrong Borgia to write a bio on. Had he chose Rodrigo as his Borgia subject, I believe we would have had a pretty good bio about him and his papacy.

[ahsokatanope]

Battered and Bruised: Chapter III

(Un)Broken Ties

Previous Chapters: Chapter I | Chapter II

Summary: You and Obi-Wan are forced to work together to fight and survive in Ja’arvis’ arena.

Pairing: Obi-Wan Kenobi x Inquisitor!Reader

Word Count: 6k

Warnings: Angst. Sad Obi and sad reader talking about their feelings towards the end. Oh, and violence/mention of blood. (arena fights do be tough, y’all)

Note: First of all, this gif of Obi >>>> lol. Originally posted by @bo-katan​. Secondly, I really enjoyed writing this one. It’s a long one and took forever to write, but I loved every second of it. I’d love to know what y’all think! It’s only uphill from here. Also, I wanna hug Obi.

“Care to remove mine as well?” A tone of dread edges around your words. 

This feeling of vulnerability is something you haven’t felt in a while. In the past 48 hours, you’ve felt more exposed and defenseless than you ever have as an Inquisitor. You feel like the Maker is testing you to see how far your body and emotions can go without breaking.

Obi-Wan just looks at you and raises an eyebrow.

“After what you tried to pull earlier? Oh, I don’t think so.” He shakes his head at you, a hint of a smug smile tugging at his lips.

Then suddenly, the dark, grungy walls around you jerk and you feel the room begin to ascend.

Well, this is a sad excuse for an elevator, isn’t it?

“Kenobi,” you start, your energy for arguing has completely evaporated. “At least give me a fighting chance.”

This is as close as you are going to get to saying ‘please’ or asking for help. Obi-Wan looks at you, his eyes analyzing your exhausted form. 

“Sorry, my dear, but I don’t trust you quite yet.”

The elevator jerks to a stop and you look up at him dumbfounded.

“Are you serious?” You stare at him incredulously.

His eyes glint with mischief. “Deadly.”

You hear a horrible screeching metal sound as the rusting durasteel door slides open, letting the bright light from the outside beam into the room.

Immediately, you are met with more guards who pull you out and push you forward.

Given no choice but to exit the elevator, the two of you step out with squinted eyes as your pupils struggle to adjust to the new lighting. The door squeaks shut, so now you are trapped outside.

When you are finally able to see clearly, you are met with the sight of thousands of various types of creatures and living beings onlooking your entrance. The roar of the audience’s cheers fills your ears and it’s deafening.

You look around, thankful to finally breathe in some air that isn’t musty or stale. The sky above is a mixture between pink and orange, the air that surrounds you temperate. The arena is grand, almost as large as the one you and Obi-Wan had escaped from on Geonosis all those years ago.

Suddenly a loud voice booms around the entire massive arena and the audience quiets to a low buzz. “Ladies and gentlemen, friends and fans, welcome to The Games!”

You scan the edges of the arena to find the source of the voice. There, front and center, on a raised balcony with the best view of the arena stands a Rakatan male, dressed in what looks like extremely expensive clothing. He must be the infamous Ja’arvis Takun you’ve heard so much about.

“Today I bring my loyal audience a gift that will be the height of entertainment since The Clone Wars!”

Your heart begins to beat faster in anticipation of what’s going to happen. Your mind goes a million miles a minute as you try to calculate a way to escape from this hellhole.

The towering walls that surround the battleground are too high and steep to climb. Without equipment, trying to escape that way would be a death wish. Various doors line the outside rim of the arena and you are almost positive that none of them lead to the outside world. You’re not sure what exactly lies behind those doors and you’re not sure you want to find out.

The bottom of the line is… you’re trapped with no way to escape.

“Today, my friends, I present the Bane Squad versus Kainoa versus two of our newest competitors...” The audience waits in anticipation. “Two Jedi!”

The spectators that surround the battleground erupt into chaos.

Who the kriff are Bane Squad? Kainoa? What did you get yourself into? You’ve truly outdone yourself this time.

“Let The Games begin!”

Your eyes widen when you see one of the other doors open to your right. You see a group of Togruta warriors emerge from one, various bits and pieces of armor covering each of their bodies. You count four of them and each of them look hungry for blood as they grip their spear-like weapons.

Beside you, Obi-Wan ignites his lightsaber. “I hope you still have an audacious mindset, darling, because right now it looks like we could put it to use.”

“Kenobi, you need to let me go.” You say quickly, sticking your bounded arms out in front of you, desperate for freedom. Your eyes dart towards the warriors who march to hunt you down. “I need to defend myself.”

He just smirks at you before he runs off, towards the enemy. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.” 

“Kenobi!” You shout after him, seething with anger. Your eyes blaze with fire when you watch him move away. Your gloved fists clench within the cuffs and you feel helpless.

He really hasn’t changed since The Clone Wars, has he?

Deciding to cut your losses, you try to look around for any advantage you could use against your enemy. None. No elevated platforms for a height advantage, no weapons around, no shields; absolutely nothing.

Guess you’ll just have to get creative.

While Kenobi engages with two of the warriors, the other two close in on your position. When one gets close enough to take a swing at you with his spear, he does. You’re quick to react (or maybe he’s just slow) and you parry the blow with the middle part of your cuffs, hoping that the metal would split from the impact and set you free, but it doesn’t. The durasteel spearhead from the weapon splinters instead, leaving the warrior with a long, wooden stick instead.

“What are these damned things made out of?” You mutter under your breath. “The metal won’t give.”

While the Togrutan is frozen in shock at his weapon breaking so quickly, you grab the stick and use it to parry his teammate’s attack on your left. At this, the audience that makes up the arena seems to rile up, cheering louder for you. Stunned by your reflexes, the warrior staggers back and you surge forward on the offensive, delivering striking blows (as deadly as you could with a wooden weapon). The other Togruta comes at you from behind and locks you up in a tight hold,  making you drop the wooden weapon.

When the other warrior comes to deliver the killing blow with his spear, you kick your feet out, connecting with his chest and knocking him on his back. Then, you throw your body weight forward to flip the one behind you over your body and onto the ground as well.

Out of breath and your heart pounding with adrenaline, your shackled hands quickly reach forward to grab the dropped unbroken spear on the ground and finish both of your enemies, ending their lives with a stab to each of their chests.

The spectators around the arena go wild at that. Struggling to catch your breath, you look around for Kenobi, wondering how he fared. Expecting to see him as ruffled as you were, you’re surprised to see him staring back at you with an amused look on his face. He’s only a few feet away, having easily defeated his enemies. The wind blows a few tendrils of his auburn hair in front of his left eye. He twirls his lightsaber and deactivates it.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” He says, crossing his arms after he clips his saber on his belt.

“Glad to know you’re making a habit of leaving me to die.” You retort, narrowing your eyes. 

A smirk makes its way to your face when you see Kenobi’s smug look drop. 

“This isn’t a situation we haven’t been in before, you know.” He says, lifting an eyebrow. “You took out three Geonosians and a nexus with cuffs on while we were held captive in Geonosis.”

“Those cuffs didn’t have Force-binding material, did they?” You respond sharply.

Suddenly another door opens on the other side of the arena. When you see the creature that emerges, the onlookers cheer loudly and your eyes widen.

“You must know-”

“Kenobi, we’ve got more company.” You say, eyes darting to the large dragon-like creature stalking closer behind him.

When Obi-Wan turns around, he immediately goes to grab his saber and ignite it.

“Now would be a great time to free me.” You say, anxiety creeping into your voice, but before you finish the sentence, he’s already slashed at your cuffs with his saber.

Finally feeling the Force flow around you once again, you sigh with delight as the metal drops to the ground. But the feeling of contentment only lasts for a second because you have a new problem at hand.

“Jedi, meet Kainoa, my favorite pet.” Ja’arvis says from his seat on his balcony.

“Is that a Krayt Dragon?” Obi-Wan asks incredulously. “What in the blazes is it doing here?”

You use the Force to call the spear you used to kill the two Togrutans to your hand. It may be a weak weapon, but at least it’s something.

“Doesn’t matter.” You say shortly, watching the creature snarl in the nearing-distance. “What’s the plan to kill it?”

“You’re asking me? I haven’t got a clue, I’ve never interacted with one of these before.”

“You’re the one with the saber, Kenobi.” You sigh, growing frustrated with the current situation.

A few seconds pass and he speaks up again. “Alright, I have an idea, but I don’t think you’ll be a fan of it.”

“Get on with it, we don’t have time to wait around.”

“I need you to be a distraction. Let it chase you as I sneak up behind.”

He’s right. You don’t like this plan at all, but it’s the only thing that makes sense right now.

“Always putting me in danger, aren’t you, Kenobi?” You say with a smirk before backing away from him. “Make this quick!” You shout before turning to run and drag the attention of the Krayt Dragon away from Obi-Wan.

“Aren’t you an ugly thing?” You yell to the dragon (or Kainoa as Ja’arvis named it) as Kenobi moves to sneak up behind. The large creature is covered in spikes, you wonder how the former Jedi is going to pull this off without getting injured. You wonder how you are going to pull off distracting the thing without getting injured.

The dragon snarls and begins to chase after you and you sprint away, using the Force to propel yourself faster than normal. Turning around, you aim and throw the spear into Kainoa’s right eye. It screeches loudly and reels back, but it doesn’t distract it for long because seconds later, it’s back onto you.

Not anticipating its quick recovery and increasing speed, the dragon catches up to you swiftly and grabs a hold of your cape with its teeth.

Not good. You think as you’re dragged backwards and onto the ground.

You try to drag your heels into the dirt, but it’s no use. The dragon drags you with it as it runs across the entire arena. You can hear the audience torn between laughs and cheers.

“Kenobi, you planning on joining the fight anytime soon?” You yell, out of breath as more and more dirt coats your body.

“I can’t find an opening!”

You pick your head up and will yourself to focus, looking for a weak spot in the animal’s armor. You spot that its stomach has reptilian skin over it instead of the spikes that cover the rest of its body.

“Go for the underbelly!” You yell, coughing when dirt dusts into your mouth. “If we both work together, we can lift it and expose it!”

“On the count of three, ready?” Obi-Wan responds. “One. Two… Three!”

On ‘three,’ you focus all your energy onto the beast in front of you and it stops running, levitating off the ground with your cape and yourself hanging from its mouth. In a quick flash, Kenobi gets under the dragon and stabs its underbelly, making sure to step out the way of falling guts and blood.

The shriek it lets out is high and blood-curdling, and it causes you to be free from its grip, which sends you tumbling to the ground. It’s so loud you have to cover your ears.

You and the creature hit the ground at the same time, and instead of getting up right away, you stay there lying on the ground face up. Your body aches and throbs all over, and you are covered with dirt, mud, and dragon saliva. You pant heavily, your chest rising and falling quickly, as you try to catch your breath. The stench from the dragon’s breath fills your nose and you wrinkle in disgust.

A minute later, Obi-Wan is above you, offering a hand for you to stand.

You choose to ignore it and stand up yourself, your legs wobbly beneath you. 

“Look at us working together again, Kenobi. Who would’ve thought?” You wheeze, coughing a bit due to the amount of dirt that got into your mouth. What you wouldn’t give for a drink of water right now.

“We make a great team.” Obi-Wan smiles at you, a true and genuine smile that makes the edges of his eyes crinkle. It makes your stomach flutter against your wishes. Your feelings for him are returning and you’re trying your best to stop them, but you find yourself unsuccessful.

Whatever moment you’re having with Obi-Wan is interrupted by a loud voice that sounds around the arena. It’s then that you’re brought back into the moment and reality settles back in.

Ja’arvis.

“Well done, well done, Jedi. You two put on quite a show.”

Pulling your gaze away from Obi-Wan, you take a step away from him and a step towards Ja’arvis’ balcony. When your gaze meets Ja’arvis’ form above you, your eyes turn dark when you remember the situation you’re in.

“I am no Jedi, Ja’arvis. I am the First Sister, leader of the Imperial Inquisition. The Empire will come for me, you Rakatan scum. You will regret holding me in your custody.” You say darkly, your eyes burning a hole into him. Obi-Wan watches you curiously. 

Whatever playful mood you were in before is completely gone now and replaced by the same stoic face you show to your enemies.

Ja’arvis just laughs, the spectators following along and the sound of laughter ripples around you. Why is it that nobody takes you seriously?

“Doll, the Empire doesn’t know you’re here. Your threats mean nothing to me.”

Unclenching your right fist, you slightly wave it before you say, “You have no need for us here. You want to let us go.”

“Your feeble Jedi mind tricks do not work on me.” Ja’arvis says, annoyance clear in his tone.

You notice guards come up behind you. Your eyes watch them before they snap back over to Ja’arvis’ position.

“You two are lucky I am in a good mood today or you would have been in that arena with Kainoa and her two sisters.” Ja’arvis states with a wiry smile on his face. “Consider yourselves extremely lucky.”

Now, Kenobi decides to speak up. “Thank you for your kindness, Gamemaster Takun. It’s much appreciated.”

You can tell he is being sarcastic, but the way he delivers the line is genuine, which means that Ja’arvis is buying into Obi-Wan’s charm.

“I like that one.” Ja’arvis says with a chuckle before he continues. “Take them to their new quarters. I’ll come to visit them shortly.”

“No thanks.” You mutter under your breath.

When you turn around and are guided by the guards to one of the doors in the arena, you don’t fight them. It’s no use. So instead, you let them lead you to your new ‘home.’

You just hope it has a 'fresher so you can clean all the dirt, grime, and dragon saliva off of you.

—————

The ‘cell’ they put you in surprisingly isn’t much of a dungeon. Sure, it’s a confined living space with no windows, but compared to the tight, grungy room you were held in earlier, your new holding cell feels like a penthouse.

It’s clean and doesn’t smell like the back end of a gundark. The walls are a plain white color and polished duracrete makes up the floor. You’re surprised to see a table in the front corner of the room along with two chairs. Two beds sit in the back corners split by a door to what you believe is the ‘fresher. 

Not bad for being held prisoner, honestly. Upon your arrival, you’d expected worse living conditions from your captors.

The catch? You have to share it with Obi-Wan.

The thick reinforced durasteel door locks after the guards leave the room.

Without sparing a glance at Obi-Wan, you sit down in one of the chairs at the table and run a hand through your hair. It tangles through the knotted, dirty stands and you give up when you realize you won’t be able to tame it until you shower.

Finally able to relax after days of nonstop fighting, you sigh in contentment and bask in the silence the room provides you. As exhausted as you are and as peaceful as the silence is, you can’t help but keep your guard up around you. You know better than to completely relax in a situation where you’re in captivity.

You glance over at the door to the ‘fresher in the back of the room. A shower sounds amazing right now, but you can’t help but feel on edge... like you need to protect yourself from a threat.

“I can sense conflict in you.” Obi-Wan says, carefully watching you from a few feet away.

Obi-Wan. Your thoughts had caused his presence to slip from your mind for a brief moment. Maybe he’s the reason why your body won’t let you fully relax. As he stated earlier in the arena, he doesn’t trust you, and you don’t trust him either. You may have worked together to survive, but that doesn’t mean that you can let your guard down around him.

But he hasn’t attempted to kill you. A small voice speaks up in the back of your mind. And it’s true. He hasn’t. Not today, anyway.

During your first encounter at the scrap yard, you’re positive that there were many windows of opportunity for him to strike you with a devastating blow from his saber, but he never did. And when he got his lightsaber from Hondo earlier, he could have struck you down right then and there for putting him in the situation he was in.

Lord Vader had once told you that Kenobi had betrayed you both. That he was brainwashed by The Jedi Code and never cared for either of you.

So why is he looking at you right now with concern etched across his features? Why does he look like he cares?

The realization sends your mind reeling. You must be losing it.

You tear your eyes away from Obi-Wan. “I need to get out of here.”

Before he can respond, the door to your cell hisses open. The same two guards from before come in and act as bodyguards for the one and only Ja’arvis Takun. Upon his entrance, he throws a sack onto the table next to you with a smug look on his face.

Your gaze on him is hard before you glance down at the sack. A few credits leak out from the opening at the top.

“What is this?” You snatch the bag with your left hand.

“Your cut from today.” Ja’arvis responds. “For some reason, the viewers adored you two today. That’s a lot more than an average newcomer receives.”

You steal a glance at Obi-Wan and he looks just as confused as you feel. Credits? Why? You’re his prisoners.

“As you probably found out earlier, both of you are now my gladiators.” Ja’arvis explains. “I paid top dollar for you two and I expect to get a return on investment. However, if everyday is like today, I’m sure that won’t be a problem.”

“If you expect to profit from us, then why give us a cut?” Obi-Wan asks, crossing his arms.

“It’s all a part of the system, my Jedi warrior. With those credits you can buy yourself weapons, armor, luxuries, you name it! Better weapons and armor means a better chance of survival in The Games. The more games you survive, the closer you get to becoming a Champion. Once you achieve the rank of a Champion, you can choose to leave if you so choose, but most decide to stay because they enjoy the lifestyle.”

Ja’arvis looks like he’s enjoying every part of this. He’s a leech feeding off of the downfall of others.

“There is a training room on this floor as well. In that training room is a weapons shop and a workshop where you can tinker with your weapons and armor. You're free to use the training room any time as long as it doesn’t interfere with your schedule. There’s an intercom next to the door that you shall use to summon guards that will escort you there. The training room is the only place that allows weapons other than the arena.”

The Rakatan continues his explanation. “On your beds you will find your uniforms. Wear them. You’ll get a new set after each match. I’ve decided to keep you both together as a team since the audience loves the idea of a new dynamic duo. You are slated to fight in the arena every day of the week except for Tuesdays and Saturdays. Do you both understand all that I have explained?”

You don’t like this at all. Ja’arvis runs a well-oiled machine and the margin for escape isn’t looking too broad anymore.

Does that stop you from getting up to defiantly get in Ja’arvis’ face? No.

Clutching the bag of credits in your hand, you stand up from your chair quickly and immediately the guards react, shifting in front of Ja’arvis to shield him from you.

“How dare you.” You hiss. “I do not belong here, you Rakatan scum. When I leave here—”

You’re about to throw the bag of credits back at Ja’arvis but Obi-Wan swiftly puts his hand over it, freezing your actions.

“I believe what my dear friend is trying to say is thank you for your payment and hospitality, Gamemaster Takun.” Obi-Wan looks at you pointedly. “You have our gratitude. We will be ready for the arena tomorrow. Won’t we, Y/N?”

You glare at Kenobi, then back at Ja’arvis. You can feel the warmth from Obi-Wan’s hand begin to bleed through your glove. You release your hand from the credit pouch and turn away, feeling the loss of his warmth immediately.

“I’m not afraid of you, Ja’arvis.” You say when you turn back around, your voice calmer than before.

“How are you liking your new quarters? Does it fit you well?” Ja’arvis asks, his gaze on you hardening. 

You keep your expression apathetic. 

“You have my good friend Hondo Ohnaka to thank for that. Any colleague of Hondo’s should receive the best treatment from yours truly.” He thins his eyes at you. “But if you defy me again, I will not hesitate to stick you back in the rusting cage you were in this morning.”

Swallowing, you stare back at him, hate glowing in your yellow irises. You may be defiant, but you’re not stupid. No way you’re going back to that hellhole.

“Understood.” You finally say, clenching your jaw.

And just like that, Ja’arvis is back to his jolly self, acting like his threats never happened. “Good.” He turns to leave, bringing the guards with him. “See you tomorrow, Jedi. Rest well. You’ll need it.”

Then, the door hisses shut and you are left alone with Obi-Wan Kenobi once again. You don’t get to savor a moment of silence before he begins to scold you.

“Must you always act so impulsive? You shouldn’t speak that way to our captor. The last thing we need is for you to anger him and put us in a worse situation.” Kenobi is displeased to say the least.

You sigh, sinking back down into the chair behind you. “I don’t know about you, Kenobi, but I don’t want to be here. I’m not going to show respect to someone who profits off of my downfall.”

“I do not wish to be here anymore than you do, but I know when to pick my battles.” He says, annoyance growing in his tone. “Your impulsiveness is going to get us killed, you know that?”

You glare at him, your bright amber eyes piercing into his figure. “I’m going to get out of here one way or another. For your own sake, I’d suggest staying out of my way.”

“Do you not understand? The only way you or I are getting out of here is through the way of The Games. Nobody is coming for us.”

“There is no ‘us,’ Kenobi.” You snap sharply. “Not anymore. You are the one who doesn’t understand. The Empire will come for me, and once they find me, they will kill you.”

Obi-Wan clenches his jaw and takes a deep breath. One thing he was known for in the past was his patience, and he’s exhibiting it right now as you speak.

“Whether you like it or not, First Sister ,” Obi-Wan begins, and you can tell that he doesn’t like the way the new title feels coming out of his mouth. “We must work as a team if we are to escape.”

“Yeah, okay—”

“You must know that the Empire most likely believes you are dead, right?” Kenobi asks, the start of a fire glowing in his eyes as he looks at you. “Your helmet along with both of your sabers, which are most likely destroyed by the way, lie in the wreckage from the scrap pile that collapsed mere seconds after I escaped with you in my arms. Your welcome, by the way.”

You sigh and open your mouth to speak, but he continues on.

“If there is an opening that we can take advantage of and escape, we will do so with no hesitation. However, until then, we shall work together to stay alive until an opportunity opens.”

You’re silent for a few moments and cast your eyes down to the polished duracrete floor. He’s right. There is no escape. With no weapons in your quarters or knowledge of the complex map, escape is futile. This means that your options are very slim: choose to comply and team up with Kenobi until the Empire finds you or try to escape and get in a worse situation than you are now. You don’t like either, but your choice is obvious.

“What happened to you, Y/N?” It’s a simple question, really, but the way Obi-Wan asks it has so many emotions tied each word.

“I found my true self through the Dark Side of the Force.” Your tone is detached; like you’ve recited those words over and over again to the point where they hold no meaning anymore.

Obi-Wan looks away before his eyes flick over to you. “You know,” he begins, moving to sit on his bed, “after you took your helmet off on Tatooine, I didn’t want to believe it was you.” You stay quiet as he goes on. “You had the same face and voice as the Y/N I once knew, but everything else…”

“What are you getting at?”

“I refuse to believe that the compassionate, strong Jedi I once knew, my best friend, could turn into someone so…”

“Horrible?” You offer, completely void of energy. “Evil? How about monstrous, I haven’t heard that one in a while.” This conversation is not one you want to have at the moment and it’s wearing you out. Actually, all of the events that happened in the last 48 hours are finally hitting you full on and exhaustion that you felt earlier now kicks into full gear.

“Corrupt.” Obi-Wan replies instead, his voice weakening.

And for the first time since your reunion, you see just how much all of this has taken its toll on him. He looks just as exhausted as you feel. Bags have formed under his eyes from lack of sleep and you can see the pain evident in his blue eyes. Eyes that used to be bright with confidence and triumph are now dull with no shine to them. The luster in his gaze that was reserved only for you during the Clone Wars is absent and replaced by an eerie emptiness.

The man is a ghost of his former self… and you don’t know exactly why, but this realization bothers you.

You blink and let his words sink in, too tired to close your mind to them. As much as you want to leave the room and be alone, you can’t. 

Curiosity gets the best of you and you vocalize a question that you’ve been wondering since it happened.

“Why did you save me, then?”

Something flashes in his gaze. “Why didn’t you kill me when you had the chance?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” You say, thinning your eyes at him. “Answer my question.”

“You hesitated.” Kenobi claims and his brows furrow.

You did. You remember every moment of that encounter. When finally given the moment to get your revenge, you couldn’t follow through.

You turn, no longer able to look into Obi-Wan’s imploring eyes. He wants an answer, but right now, you are not yet ready to give one to him.

“Tell me why you did it.” You mumble, fidgeting with a thread sticking out of your torn sleeve.

“What was I supposed to do? Leave you in the sand to die and waste away?” His voice has a newfound energy to it that grows with each passing word. “No.”

“Why not?” You ask, snapping your head toward him.

“Because I already lost you once!” He yells, and you can see frustration and sadness within his eyes once again. You’ve caused that. “I’d already lost you once and I wasn’t going to let it happen again.”

His voice sounds so broken . Nothing like the man you once knew.

Moments pass and there is nothing but silence that surrounds you two. You hold each other’s gaze for a few beats before he looks away, taking a deep breath.

You sigh defeatedly. “I was already lost. I still am.” You subconsciously shift in your seat when Obi-Wan’s stormy blue eyes meet yours again. “I was trying to kill you, you know.”

“No.” He says in a low voice, shaking his head. “You weren’t. That was evident the moment you hesitated to land the final blow. You had me at your mercy and you made a choice.”

Kenobi stands up and takes a step towards you, causing you to rise from your position and move away from him.

“Why didn’t you do it?”

There it is. The question you’ve been avoiding. He’s pretty much backed you into a corner physically and metaphorically.

You close your eyes, turning away from him for a moment.

“I couldn’t.” You whisper. “I couldn’t be responsible for the death of my former best friend, okay? I couldn’t do it.” Your voice is sad, and you hate how vulnerable you feel right now, but there is no stopping your emotions. “No matter how many times I was told that you were a traitor and that you along with the rest of the Order were against me… I just… I was weak and I couldn’t follow through.”

You look up to see a flicker of hope appear in Obi-Wan’s eyes. You want to tell him not that you're not capable of being the person you once were, but when you open your mouth, he’s already speaking.

“You weren’t weak, Y/N. You were strong for fighting the call of the Dark Side. You aren’t the monster you portray yourself to be.”

A mask of apathy takes over your facial features. 

“21.” You say darkly, taking a deep, shaky breath. Obi-Wan’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. “That’s the number of Jedi I’ve killed over the past two years.”

His eyes widen. It’s the exact reaction you expect.

“Six of them were children.” You continue, staring directly at him. “The rest of them were just Padawans or just barely Knighted.”

Silence.

Now you are the one who senses Kenobi’s confliction. You can feel the emotions clashing within him and how he’s fighting against them.

“I was heartless. Ruthless. I showed no mercy.” You voice, walking a few steps toward your bed. You glance at the uniform that lays upon it. Turning around, you look at Obi-Wan once again. His expression reads concerned, like he’s worried for you.

“I’m the Inquisition’s highest ranking officer, ranking above The Grand Inquisitor himself, because of my achievements in hunting Jedi. Yet, when I found you…” You shake your head and let out a slight scoff. “I couldn’t finish the job. How comical is that? An Inquisitor who couldn’t execute a target due to her pre-existing emotional ties.” You breath out a humorless laugh. “Embarrassing.”

A blanket of quiet falls around the room. It’s a few moments before Obi-Wan decides to speak up.

“There is good in you, Y/N. I can sense it.” He says, his voice strong. “Nothing is going to change that.”

A corner of your mouth twinges up into a slight smirk. “That’s where you’re wrong, Obi-Wan.”

You turn to grab the black uniform on your bed and head to the ‘fresher, wanting nothing more than to put a wall between yourself and the broken Jedi. Upon entering the ‘fresher, you hear Obi-Wan’s voice barely above a whisper. The question he asks freezes your entire body.

“What did they do to you?”

You know exactly what he means by the question. What horrible things did Sidious and Vader do to transform you into the unrecognizable person you had become? What did they say? How did they hurt you? How much were you tortured? What was the extent of your mental wounds? And most importantly… What caused such a powerful, loyal Jedi to crack?

Saying that it’s a loaded question is the understatement of the century.

You try to prevent the terrible memories that threaten to flash on the backs of your eyelids. Just thinking about your transformation makes you feel the pain and suffering of it all over again.

So you don’t turn to look at him when you answer. You don’t want him to witness any more of your vulnerability than he has already.

“You don’t want to know.”

—————

Howling wind blows sand around chaotically as a dust storm begins to brew up on the dry planet of Tatooine. Stormtroopers and probe droids can be seen searching the remnants of a collapsed scrap yard. The Empire is searching for something, or someone .

The Grand Inquisitor steps onto the scene, having freshly arrived from Fortress Inquisitorius. Two Purge Troopers come up to meet him.

“Any sign of her?” He asks, his unsettling figure looming over the troopers.

“No signs of her body, sir. Only these.” One of the Purge Troopers nods to another and he brings forth a broken lightsaber, crushed from heavy impact and deformed from exposure to heavy heat. The Grand Inquisitor takes the saber into his hand and examines it before clipping it to his belt.

Another trooper steps forward with a disfigured helmet; not just any helmet, but the sleek black helmet that belongs to the First Sister. The matte durite of the helmet is completely destroyed, making the helmet almost unrecognizable.

This is all the evidence The Grand Inquisitor needs.

“Bring this to my ship and contact Lord Vader immediately.” He says, his mouth twisting up into a sickly grin. 

“The Inquisition is mine now.”

Tag List: @kaminobiwan​ @whatsasetitoff

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[lloronala]

i’m just gonna ramble about my own thoughts about p.ixar’s soul so don’t mind me (spoilers included):

so---i watched it the night it came out with a group of friends on discord. this is a movie that deserves to be watched with either a friend or a small group---or alone actually (that’s a lot better, and it was my first mistake to watch it as a group cause it takes you out of it lmao).

(i’m adding a tldr at the bottom, so if you wanna spare yourself from this massive jumble of words then please do lol. also these are just opinions of what i’ve gathered from the film, so pls don’t take anything personally)

first watch, i thought it was fine. i was still iffy about the fact that they put joe’s soul into the cat (which is what disney has done MULTIPLE times with poc characters), and at first i kind of rolled my eyes at it. it didn’t help that i was finishing a commission for a friend, so i was tuning in and out of it unconsciously.

watching it the second time last night alone, though, it’s definitely close to a masterpiece. i’ll get my issues out first before i get into what i do admire about the movie. unfortunately....the cat issue is still one of them. i understand the reason behind it though, as they wanted joe to see his perspective of what other’s saw him as, and it was a good way to reflect on ‘himself’ basically while 22 took over his body, but i just wished....it wasn’t an animal. the soul version didn’t quite bother me as much cause they at least put some diversity into in the beginning when they first introduced other souls from the great beyond and mentors (korean, latinx, past figures, etc). my second issue is rather more of wanting, and it’s that i kind of wish they extended that scene with joe and his father. that delicate moment between him and his dad was really so special? but it was cut short before it jumped onto the next scene. had they made that particular part longer, i think there would have been a lot more feeling to this whole movie (but again, it’s my opinion so it might be just me).

i think the pacing was a little off too near the end (jumping from a touching scene to right into the final third act that pulled me out of that emotional state, but i digress).

now.....my favorite parts? well, pixar has outdone themselves with the scenery and god---it’s like you want to live in new york (or at least be in the essence of it). they brought so much character into it, along with the people that live there and the side characters that you see on screen (i.e: jazz club). they truly captured everything so well, just ughhhhh you may as well just watch it for the environment.

my absolute favorite part though was practically the moral of the story. honestly, it’s been a while since i’ve seen a movie craft this message pretty good---and watching it alone with no distractions/commentaries whatsoever, i kind of cried a lot near the end. and let me tell you, it’s a different kind of cry i had for coco, inside out and up. this one felt so personal in a way that it felt like a love letter to what i’m going through. in a way, joe is such a relatable character to me---he strives for his dreams and goals, and he thinks his passion is his purpose to live. he thinks that’s what a spark is to live on earth. and in a way, he isn’t entirely wrong. a spark can be the purpose you have and want to achieve. but the part that hit most was when he was reflecting back on his life....and what his spark really was. being part of the quartet didn’t change anything, but living? looking back at those simplest moments in time and realizing how....content and lively you were, even if it’s momentary. whether it’s eating some good food, talking to a friend---or just....walking around your neighborhood. your passions are motivators, but they don’t have to the only things motivating your life.

i have been struggling with this mentality, that achievements are what define you and your life---and that you have to do this one thing otherwise you’re out (dez’s part really spoke to me too, ughh). and god, i’m still struggling with it as i find gigs. and these achievements are all that’s there and once you reach it, you’ll be happy and satisfied. and if i don’t achieve it, i’m just....a failure. a loser. a pathetic lot. but i also look back and think about all the people in my life that make my day better---and make me better as a person. the people who support me, who love me, who bring color into my life and who remind me i am worth something and talented no matter what i think of myself. even the smallest personal moments i’ve had with myself really help me see how far my life has come, and how much i am in a better place despite still struggling with personal demons. joe’s flashbacks really held close to me, and it was just beautifully done without monologues/etc. this movie made me sort of ease down, and although such feelings may be temporary, it’s a wonderful reminder that i’d gladly watch over and over again just to not forget.

so, tldr:

it’s one of pixar’s more mature films---and although not perfect, it’s still heartfelt. it really doesn’t feel like a pixar movie if that makes sense (considering they’ve changed heads good riddance him), but i don’t mean that in a terrible way. it’s definitely a movie you’d want to revisit again especially if you’re feeling low, and its message is spoken clear and done wonderfully in a way that a lot of people can relate to. and i think the vague ending really speaks for itself;

don’t live life by what you think you’re defined by, whether it’s goals or huge obsessions (of achievements). it isn’t ever too late, and there are many paths for you to take. live every minute of it---and i think slowly, but surely, whatever it may be, whether it’s walking or cooking or reading or having fun with your friends, you’ll find your own spark to live. and you’ll do many great things with it.

[aurumacadicus]

Hello! If you're still doing Never Have I Ever, then Never Have I Ever fairy tale!AU

Never have I ever, kinda? I basically started in this blurb here for damsel-in-distress Tony lol.

If I did do it, I’d probably expand on that world, too, with Anthony as the prince(ss) constantly getting in trouble with witches and magicians and mythical creatures.

Anthony is constantly being captured and kidnapped and stolen. It’s not his fault! He didn’t ask to be gifted with great knowledge and beauty and grace as a baby! He didn’t ask to have precious gems drop from his mouth every so often! He didn’t ask to always smell like people’s favorite scents! And if he could go back in time to strangle all the magicians and fairies and wizards who gave him these gifts, he absolutely would.

So he often wakes up in places that are not his home, is what I’m saying.

Trusted knights Steven and James are always sent out after him to bring him home. They’re fine with this because 1) Anthony is always fighting mad whenever they find him and they think it’s funny and 2) because they’re head-over-heels in love with him. Anthony had jokingly said, “A kiss for my saviors,” once and they’d grabbed onto it and never let go.

Of course, the kisses they’d first gotten from him were nothing risque, just shy pecks on the cheek, and sometimes he’d let them press kisses to the back of his hand. As time went on, the kisses had become more sure, sweeter, until one day James beat Anthony to it and leaned in to give him a filthy kiss on the mouth. Not to be outdone, Steven had dived in before Anthony could recover his wits, and it just sort of… carried on from there.

Anthony is betrothed, of course, which is why it never extends beyond kisses (no matter how much Steven and James would love to take him to bed and show him just how far their devotion to him goes). Lady Natalia acts all demure and polite but they know she’s perfectly capable of murdering them. They don’t want to give her a reason.

(“This is a marriage of convenience,” Natalia announces when she and Anthony are alone. “Political. No emotions involved.”

“Oh…” Anthony says, shoulders hunching, because he’d… he’d hoped that maybe they could grow to love each other, like his parents had.

“So if you can be discreet, if you want to be with other… people…” Natalia says meaningfully. “That’s fine with me.”

Anthony gives her doe eyes, because as intelligent and clever as he is, he’s also incredibly naive. “I will respect our vows, Lady Natalia, regardless of what you may think of me-!”

“Prince Anthony,” Natalia sputters as Anthony sheds a few tears, still looking unfairly beautiful even in his anguish. “Please stop crying, I’m sorry.”)

((Once Natalia and Anthony know each other better, Natalia broaches the subject again.

“You’re already in love,” she says bluntly.

Anthony gives her dewy eyes again, and it’s patently unfair how incredibly beautiful he still looks even dismayed. “But Natalia–”

“Don’t try to deny it, because I’ve seen the way you look at them,” Natalia cuts in before she can feel too guilty. “What I’m saying is yes, we can be friends, and we can even consummate the marriage and continue copulating until there’s a viable heir. But I am also already in love, and unlike you, I unfortunately do not have the depth in my heart to love more than one person. I can be friends with you, but that’s as deep and as far as I can go myself.”

“Natalia, if you’re in love with someone, why–” Anthony begins, somehow looking more dismayed.

“A duchess cannot marry a stable boy,” Natalia says softly, clearly repeating words that have been told to her before.

Anthony begins to cry in earnest, much to her alarm. “That’s not fair,” Anthony hiccups. “I’m sorry you must marry me when you love someone else, Natalia.”

“Anthony,” Natalia chokes out. “Please stop crying. I’m trying to help both of us.”

“But it’s just so sad,” Anthony hiccups.

“Anthony.”))

(((Natalia eventually gets it through his thick head what she means, that they can both have who they want as long as they’ve produced an heir and are discreet about their relationships.

“Honestly I wasn’t even mad, watching you try to explain it to him, that was funny,” Clint admits. “And? He didn’t even know Steven and James were in love with him? I almost pissed myself laughing.”

“Don’t be mean,” Natalia says, unable to smile, because watching Anthony agonize over his most dedicated knights had been very sad, and so had being told ‘You at least know your beau loves you in return. Why would they ever love me, when I cause them so much trouble?’)))

((((Anthony only ever truly understands when he’s cursed (again) into an endless sleep that only a true love’s kiss can break and his eyes flutter open to see Steven and James hovering above him.))))

[kalena-henden]

@onlymorelove said: Now I have to ask you: fave movie(s)? Fave Cap moments? Only if you feel like answering, of course. No pressure!

Yes, absolutely! I want to answer. I love Marvel too and not just the MCU. 

I grew up in a fanasty/sci-fi family. Our main trifecta was Star Wars/Star Trek/Doctor Who but there was always a healthy dose of superheroes in there as well. As a kid I watched superhero cartoons (Spiderman/X-Men/Batman/Superman) and live-action (b&w Superman, 60s Batman, 70s Wonder Woman, 90s Flash and Lois & Clark) shows, and of course some of the Superman and Batman movies. In the 2000s, I saw most of the Spiderman, X-Men, Batman & Superman movies. But the MCU has really outdone itself. I'm so impressed with the level of continuing connective storytelling that is usually reserved for tv shows. It's allowed for real character development. Also, it made me truly care and love characters that I had not been aware of previously. Since I've been watching these movies slowly unfold over the last decade, it's not hard for me to choose a favorite. Each time I would see one, the question I would ask myself was is this better than the last MCU movie I had seen? Early on the answer was often yes until the bar was set very high.

It stopped at Captain America: The Winter Soldier. This is my benchmark film. Civil War came close. The Guardians movies came close. Infinity War may be it's equal. I need more time to mull that over. Below is my whole list, in order (yay, I'm gonna do it):

My Tier 1: Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Infinity War, Guardians of the Galaxy, Captain America: Civil War, Thor: Ragnarok, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Spider-Man: Homecoming, Captain America: The First Avenger, The Avengers. 

My Tier 2: Avengers: Age of Ultron, Thor, Thor: The Dark World, Black Panther, Iron Man 3. 

My Tier 3: Iron Man, Ant-Man and the Wasp, Ant-Man, Doctor Strange, Iron Man 2.

Won't be watching: The Incredible Hulk with Edward Norton.

Honestly, I enjoyed all these movies. Even the Tier 3 (which is 3 out of 5 stars) are still good. They do such a fantastic job of making you fall in love with the characters even if the storylines might not be the greatest. That’s a pretty impressive thing to accomplish.

Okay, what makes The Winter Soldier my favorite movie? Where do I start? The storytelling is so tight! There’s not a moment wasted. There is tension, humor, amazing character development. This is the first movie I really felt like I got to know Natasha and Nick Fury as people. We got to dive deeper into Steve’s psyche and discover Bucky’s trauma. Sam comes in and immediately is a great friend and ally. It has intriguing moral questions which are discussed and debated becoming dilemmas requiring decisive action. All the characters make important choices about what to do with their lives. The fight scenes are amazing and retain their danger and intensity with repeated viewings which is a hard feat, in particular the elevator scene and highway scene. I LOVE all the hand to hand combat. It’s like a dance. In fact, there’s a wonderful video putting the highway scene to Britney Spear’s Toxic. The more I watch this movie the more little nods to past stories or insights into a character’s journey I discover. 

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but Steve rarely talks about himself. This is unlike most of the Avengers who can’t STOP talking about themselves. lol He talks about ideas, strategy, missions, beliefs, people, but rarely his life. Most of what we know of Steve is by watching his journey ourselves (so we know his history), friends talking about him or things they’ve done together, and by people asking him questions directly. The last one is most relevant to this movie. More than any other Marvel film this story is quite literally asked a TON of questions by the characters, revealing not just plot points but who they are and what is important to them. Also, I’m a huge fan of ensemble films. While they rightfully never take the spotlight off of Steve, they are also able to utilize him to shine a light on other characters. The way they balanced out all the characters’s development was truly impressive. 

It highlights why the Russo Brothers were the right directors to take on Civil War and next Avengers movies. (Though let’s not be too hard on Joss Whedon because there are now 4 people--2 directors and 2 writers--doing what he alone did for the first 2 Avengers films.) I’m a fan of Honest Trailers which playful poke at the plot holes of films. Interestingly, the Honest Trailer for The Winter Soldier is mostly praising the film cause it’s so good and has few plot holes, so instead they jokingly start nitpicking. When Civil War was about to come out, Screen Junkies (who makes Honest Trailers) had the Russos do a reaction video to The Winter Soldier Honest Trailer. They directors mentioned that they tried to “Honest Trailer proof” the story during the making of TWS to keep plot lines logical and also answered the questions the Honest Trailer asked.  

Some favorite things/moments about The Winter Soldier:

Steve’s angry petty snark “Neighbor” as Sharon walks past him in the hall at Shield. It’s rare that we get to see him like this. lol

Steve and Natasha’s friendly banter as she tries to find a date for him the entire movie. It shows how much she cares and wants a normal life for him. 

Sam’s “I do what he does just slower.”

Bucky’s calm lithe walk as carries out his missions. He barely says anything in this movie but his body language speaks volumes. I wasn’t a big Bucky fan in the first movie but I was absolutely entranced with him in this one. 

Bucky: “But I knew him.” Gah, rip my heart out why don’t ya?

Steve and Natasha’s parallel conversations about what they want in life and trust aka “you might be in the wrong business”. I love their friendship.

“On your left” hahahahaha

Peggy as his confident again. So much love there.

Natasha teaching Steve on the fly how to slip away in plain sight from the enemy surrounding you by using psychological spy techniques and Steve’s funny responses. “Walk don’t run.”/”If I run in these shoes, they’re gonna fall off.”  “Public displays of affection make people uncomfortable.”/”Yes, they do.”

“You’re my friend.”/”You’re my mission.”

[Note: Sorry this took so long. I don’t know why but it’s always so hard for me to sit down and write stuff. Anyway, I decided to post the first half now cause I don’t want to make you wait any longer. I’ll answer my fave Cap moments in another post eventually. I have too many Cap thoughts that have been percolating for a decade, they’re hard to condense. I feel like it’s going to come out as more of a meta.]

[kinghinatatobio]

I mean 5!! Kagehina + 5 xD (im sorryyyy)

5. one night stand and falling pregnant au

gonna make this a/b/o cause that’s the only way i can make this work in nonmagical settings lol (i come from a werewolf fandom okay i know mpreg we’re chill) AO3

Send me a ship/number and I’ll write a short fic!

support the creative writing student maybe?

This…was going to be a problem.

Tobio was used to problems, okay, he was an omega. He was born a problem, in the eyes of society and the world. Which was stupid, but he didn’t have the time nor energy to argue with others over that. He’d just proved his worth, bulked up as much as his body would allow for, and crushed people with his glare.

This in turn caused other problems, but that was merely a symptom, not the cause.

Other problems included sudden vagina syndrome when he turned twelve, which sucked and kept him, like every omega, out of school for a month. It kept him away from volleyball for longer, which was what actually made him angry. 

Due to his body making its final changes for puberty and opening the previously ignored hole inside of him (the details are gory, he didn’t want to get into it), he was introduced as well to heat. Which suuuuuucked. The most. It kept him away from volleyball on a regular basis, three times a year for a week each. So stupid. 

Despite it all, Tobio didn’t hate his omega status. It just caused problems. But he was sure there would be just as many problems had he been born an alpha, with rut and everything. 

Betas had it good, honestly, the lucky bastards. 

But Tobio was digressing. This, this right here, this was a problem. 

And dammit he’d been so happy too! Experiencing sex for the first time with a partner who was really into him was great. He wondered why he hadn’t tried to go out before, or at least look for hook-ups. The risks, probably, his conscious stabbed at him in reminder. 

He’d been cute, too. Short, bright orange hair that splayed beautifully across his navy pillowcase. He’d been inexperienced as well, obvious by their fumbling around. But it had made both of them laugh, even Tobio. The atmosphere around them had been comfortable, and it wasn’t easy for Tobio to be comfortable with anyone. 

Of course it had to get all problematic. Because Tobio apparently had it too easy.

This was, at least, the lie he tried to tell himself, because deep down Tobio knew this had been his fault. He’d been on-edge, his heat a day or so off. He didn’t think they’d been risky, thought they’d both worn protection, but maybe not. 

So here he was, sitting in his room, on the bed the…conception occurred less than a month ago, waiting for Hinata to pick him up for another one of their recurring study-dates.

This would be quite the lesson indeed. 

After their meeting and one-night stand, they’d gotten breakfast the next morning, swapped contact information, and then. Just. Kept meeting up. They hadn’t had sex again, though Hinata had kissed him a few times. That was confusing, to Tobio, but he didn’t have the guts to ask for it either. 

Not that he was super inclined when, a few days later, he realized his heat was mysteriously missing. All of the pre-heat jitters were just gone. This wasn’t totally unusual, more common in male omegas, so Tobio was told by Google. So he kept it in the back of his mind and went about his days. 

It was the lack of a period two weeks later that, uh, sealed the deal. More research, more Google, and the results were very different this attempt. 

Take a test, they all said.

Tobio did, hands shaking the entire time, with a break for a panic attack in the middle. 

That was a week ago. This was Tobio’s first contact with Hinata since it was official. His body still felt slightly numb, and he’d had a headache for eight days now. 

A knock fell on his door. Tobio let out a loud groan.

“Hey! Save those for me, will ya!”

Hinata opened the door himself, as Tobio usually had his dorm room unlocked, and popped the top-half of his body in. He winked at Tobio, and Tobio felt his gut clench. 

“We have a problem,” he blurted out.

Hinata entered the room fully, apparently unconcerned with Tobio’s declaration, and closed the door behind him. “Yes, your grades are quite terrible.” He nudged Tobio’s volleyball with his shoe and sent it rolling. Tobio snatched it up and held it close to his chest protectively. 

“Not that! I’m pregnant, dumbass!” Tobio growled, huffing.

Hinata tripped over literal air, nose smashing uncomfortably into the wooden floors. He hissed out a whine of pain and rolled onto his back as he whimpered.

Well. No going back now. Tobio probably should have approached that with more tact. But Hinata knew him by now, so–

“Kageyama~” Hinata whined, rolling onto his knees slowly. He inched forward, head ducked, one hand still pinching his nose. Actually, he may have a nosebleed. Maybe Tobio should–

Before Tobio could reach for the tissues he had on his desk, Hinata hit the floor again, this time on purpose, bending low in a deep bow. 

“THIS IS MY FAULT!” Hinata screamed.

Tobio flinched back in shock, volleyball falling from his lax hands and rolling off of the bed, hitting Hinata’s bowed head. He didn’t even flinch. 

“No! It’s MINE!” Tobio shouted back. Not one to be outdone, he got down onto the floor too and bowed exactly the same as Hinata, the tip of his nose against the wood. 

Hinata wasn’t having that, apparently, as hands were immediately pushing at his shoulders to get him to sit up. “Don’t bow to me, it’s not your fault!” 

“I was the one close to heat, stupid, of course it was me!” Tobio admitted, still shouting. 

“But I was about to start a rut! So it’s not…” Hinata ducked his head and shook it before looking Tobio in the eye. There was blood under his nose. Tobio wanted to wipe it away. “Not just you…”

Tobio sighed heavily, sat back on his haunches and leaned against his bed. He grabbed the volleyball again, just for something to hold. “It was both of us, then.”

Silence filled the room, save for Hinata’s soft noises of pain as he touched his nose with gentle fingers. Tobio reached up for a tissue and passed it over. Hinata took it from him without meeting his eyes. 

“I’m not–” Tobio started, then stopped. 

“Yeah?” Hinata prompted, after a moment.

Their eyes met, and Tobio took in a deep breath. He hugged the volleyball tighter. 

“I’m used to problems, right? Being an omega. But also because of my personality. Um.” He scratched the bridge of his nose. “Sorry.”

“I’m not perfect either, you know,” Hinata confessed, scooting over to sit right next to him. “Like, nowhere near close. I couldn’t even play volleyball well.”

Tobio perked up. “You played volleyball?”

Hinata nodded. “Yeah. I tried, at least. It’s kinda embarrassing. I was the shortest alpha in, like, my entire town. I couldn’t even start. The setter was great, but I just couldn’t improve fast enough to spike with him. That’s why I did’t tell you. I’m embarrassed about it, especially since you’re so awesome at it.” Hinata poked his nose, winced. “I’m kinda a defective alpha.”

“I’d say you worked pretty well,” Tobio mumbled while ducking his head and smothering his words against the volleyball. Then he tilted his head so that he could still look at his companion.

Hinata’s face went red, and Tobio smirked at the wounded noise he made. 

“…thanks,” Hinata added. Tobio felt his face warm up a bit too. 

He sighed heavily and leaned his head back onto his bed. “I’m glad it’s you.”

“Huh?” Hinata turned to look at him, pulling the tissue away from his nose. There was still a bit of dried blood, but at least it had stopped dripping. There was still going to be a stain on his floor, though. 

“I’m glad it’s you, don’t make me repeat myself, dumbass.”

Hinata cried, “How dare you insult the father of your child!”

Tobio laughed. He released a loud, happy noise for the first time in at least a week. God, that felt good. “This is why,” he breathed, a smile settling over his face.

“Your smile is creepy, did I ever tell you that?”

Tobio leaped at Hinata and tackled him. Hinata squealed and batted him off with soft swats. Tobio pushed the volleyball into Hinata’s stomach, then was suddenly hit with an idea. He pushed his hands up underneath Hinata’s shirt. Hinata yelped, probably because Tobio’s fingers were cold. Tobio pushed the volleyball over the exposed skin and then pulled the shirt back over top of it. He smacked Hinata’s makeshift belly before sitting up, making a noise of triumph. 

Hinata stayed on the ground, chin scrunched up into his neck as he admired his new weight. 

“We’ll figure this out, yeah?”

Hinata looked up at Tobio and added a smile to his words. He then slowly rolled to his knees, keeping the volleyball tucked under his shirt. He shuffled over to Tobio, getting close enough that their knees knocked. He sat and waited for Tobio’s answer.

Tobio reached out and took his volleyball back, letting the stretched fabric fall back against Hinata’s flat chest. Flat stomach.

Tobio nodded, fingers tracing absentmindedly over the lines of the volleyball. “We’re a team now,” he finally declared. 

This wouldn’t be a problem. No, Tobio would look at it more like a game. One he was determined to win, with his new teammate by his side. 

Hinata grinned his dazzling grin that hooked Tobio the first minute they met. “Partners. For life.”

For a life. 

[villa-kulla]

DVD Commentary: Could you do the first scene from Ch.3 of Desert Sands? The fight up to "Oh Billy, what are you trying to do?" ?

Oooh thank you and good choice! I’d be glad to

(copy-paste disclaimer that this isn’t under a readmore because my blog’s black background makes reading long things a chore, so SCROLL FAST IF YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED!) 

                                                          *

“You goddamn son of a bitch, that’s not what I’m saying at all!” Goodnight shouted.

Billy’s fists clenched. “Then what the hell are you trying to say?”

I like what a complete change of atmosphere this is from the ending of chapter 2! That ending was so ridiculously sweet (”I’d rather follow your soldier heart than someone with no heart at all” omg boysss), and I felt people might have been expecting an upbeat opening for this chapter, but instead we have a COMPLETE change of pace. I didn’t want to be TOO predictable:P But for real, I like what a total 180 this is from the last chapter, and I felt it was a good structure

Goodnight could see the effort the man was putting into not raising his voice, could see the telltale tick in Billy’s jaw.

“I’m saying if you just showed some goddamn professional decorum once in a while –“

“Professional?” Billy spat out. “What so this is really about being professional?”

Goodnight’s mouth opened and he waved his hand uselessly. “…yes!” he finally got out.

I also wanted to not explicitly say WHAT they were fighting about until later, so that the reader is just dumped immediately into this fight without knowing what’s going on yet. I’d hoped it would be an attention grabber, so hopefully it did indeed work as a hook haha

“Yeah okay,” Billy hissed. “So that’s why we were in a bar drinking in the first place, because you were interested in being professional, is that it?”

“There’s a difference and you know it!” Goodnight hollered at him, his face turning red.

“Then what’s the difference, Goodnight?” Billy shouted, finally having snapped. “Tell me what the hell the difference is!”

They were shouting at each other like they’d shouted at each other in any number of the shooting competitions they scammed. It was a familiar ritual to them: Billy would pretend to miss, Goodnight would stride in yelling, Billy would yell right back, they’d start throwing punches that the crowd wouldn’t be able to tell were being pulled, bets would be exchanged, and odds would be lengthened. And then when all the pretending was over, Billy and Goodnight would scamper out of the ring, pockets full, holding back laughter the entire time.

(eventually they would certainly choose other means of subverting people’s expectations for quickdraws, because this probably makes them too memorable after a while, and they wouldn’t want to risk running the same con too long. But for this fic at least they are total scammers lol)

But this time was different because Goodnight and Billy weren’t in a shooting ring. Instead they were in the middle of the room they were sharing on the top floor of a dusty Texas saloon. Their shoulders were tensed and their faces were red as they stood opposite each other shouting. Because they were in the middle of their first fight, their first real fight, and this time no one was pretending and they sure as shit weren’t laughing either.

I’d be curious to know if anyone actually thought it was one of their fake fights at the beginning! I was hoping it might have acted as a double-confuser like “oh no why are they fighting? Oh wait is it a fake fight? Oh wait maybe it is real” and to have people wonder until it was clear. I didn’t feel it was necessary to the ~drama~ and it’s fine if people assumed it was real right away - which it was - but I thought it could have been an interesting layer

“Well if you can’t see the difference then I’m not about to spell it out for you,” Goodnight said, throwing his hands up.

Billy scoffed. “Why the hell not? You explain every other damn thing to me.”

“You’re saying I think you’re stupid?” Goodnight asked incredulously.

“Well you’re sure as hell treating me like an idiot right now!” Billy shouted.

“If I’m treating you like an idiot it’s because you’re fucking acting like –“

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Billy said, his eyes gleaming warningly as he pointed a finger at Goodnight as sharply as he wielded any of his knives. “Don’t you dare, Goody.”

Goodnight’s stomach clenched unpleasantly at hearing Billy’s usual nickname for him said so viciously. But he squared his shoulders and looked back at him angrily.

“Well then don’t fucking test me.”

Okay disclaimer, I often find it so annoying in fics when characters drop the F-bomb every five seconds. It ends up reading like a ninth grader asking their English teacher “CAN WE HAVE SWEARING IN OUR STORY?” and then just going to town on it and overdoing it to the point where it’s embarrassing. I mean of course some characters are ripe for profanity opportunities, and I believe firmly in the comedic value of a well-placed ‘fuck’, but I don’t like to do it to the point where it just distracts from the dialogue. But anyways, this little segment probably has the most swears in the whole fic haha, and I was conscious of that, but I figured since they were fighting I could get away with it haha

Billy laughed unpleasantly. “Test you? Me test you? That’s a good one, Goody, really, you’ve outdone yourself.”

“Shut the hell up, Billy, I’m warning you,” Goodnight growled, turning away to walk over to where the bottle of whiskey stood, the one they’d shared so comfortably in this same room only the night before.

“I will if you tell me what this is really about,” Billy said, and then saw Goodnight reach for the bottle. “Oh there he is,” he snorted sarcastically. “The professional at work.”

Billy definitely knows how to twist the knife in every sense. But in a way it’s sort of a sign of the measure of companionship he feels with Goody that he’s NOT holding back at all. Billy’s probably very used to sliding under the radar and not drawing attention to himself, and I imagine it’s been a very long while since he’s been this cutting with anyone

“I said I’m fucking warning you, Billy,” Goodnight said in a low voice, his hands shaking with rage as poured a glass of whiskey, some of the amber liquid sloshing out.

I liked that little detail of the hands shaking, like it’s not a big thing but I feel like it adds the necessary sense of steam building and rattling the lid before the top blows off

“Then tell me what you want,” Billy hissed, stalking over to where Goodnight was standing.

“Shut the hell up if you know what’s good for you,” Goodnight gritted out, picking up his glass.

“Tell me, Goody,” Billy said in a raised voice.

“I mean it, Billy.”

“Tell me!” Billy shouted behind him.

“I SAID SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH,” Goodnight finally burst out, whirling around and hurling his glass past Billy’s stunned face where it exploded into a million fragments on the wall behind them.

ooooh caps, so we know it’s serious. This may be one of the few times I’ve ever used caps in writing anything actually

Billy turned to look at where the liquor was dripping down the wall, and then back at Goodnight, his lips parted in surprise.

Goodnight stood there breathing heavily, his hands tucked into fists, chest heaving, looking at Billy with his jaw clenched.

Billy’s mouth closed, his eyes took on a sharp look, and he took a step into Goodnight’s space. Goodnight’s breath quickened almost imperceptibly.

I like this bit because I feel like the expectation is that he’d step away, so ayyy, yay for heightened tension

“Goodnight,” Billy said, and Goodnight turned his jaw to face him dead on.

Billy’s face was a challenge as he looked right back at Goody, his eyes like pieces of flint. Goodnight stared at him transfixed.

Billy has amazing eyes and I feel like I can never do them justice in writing, but ‘pieces of flint’ might be fave thing I’ve ever come up with for them

“Just tell me what you want,” Billy whispered suddenly, the drop in volume so dramatic he might as well have been shouting again.

Billy knowsss what Goody wants and it’s the same thing Billy wants. But I feel like Billy is determined to have Goody say it first, because Billy can’t risk it. Billy knows how he feels about Goody (head over heels infatuated) and he’s sure Goody feels the same way too, but he feels like if things went wrong, Goody could equivocate about it more easily than he could, and he just wants it to be clear

Goodnight’s heart was hammering in anger, adrenaline, and something else as he stared at Billy’s unflinching face right in front of his. The firm line of his mouth, the glint in his eyes, the stubborn and steadfast set of his chin…

Goodnight’s lips parted and the glint of Billy’s eyes sparked.

In hindsight this reminds me a lot of the scene in the 2005 Pride and Prejudice where they were shouting at each other, and then there’s a pause, and they almost KISS. It wasn’t what was in my head at the time, but looking back it does seem reminiscent of that haha

Suddenly Goodnight couldn’t look anymore.

“I want you to go,” Goodnight said stiffly to the floor. There was silence and he chanced a look back up at Billy.

It was like a door had been shut on Billy’s face, any fight that had been in it resolutely shut down, and Goodnight was pierced by a sudden regret that he’d been the one to douse all that fiery tenacity.

‘fiery tenacity’ aka right around when I sold myself on the ‘Billy Rocks does stubborn like no one else’ philosophy

Billy turned as if to go. But when he looked back at Goodnight, something about his eyes looked almost…sad?

“All your fancy talk,” Billy said in a low voice. “And you can’t even talk to me now.”

He stepped back out of Goodnight’s space, and Goodnight felt the loss as keenly as if Billy had carved it out. He watched Billy walk silently across the room, reach tersely for his hat that was on his bed, and walk right out, closing the door behind him with a click.

shoutout to that ‘carved it out’ detail, because yay for knife imagery

The silence was deafening.

Goodnight stood there taking in shallow breaths as he stared at the door. The seconds ticked by. It was like he was expecting Billy to burst back in, the line of his shoulders back to their usual controlled but comfortable slope, and wearing that wry inscrutable half-smile that Goody had become as accustomed to on their rides as the desert horizon itself.

I think I was getting more used to writing Billy at this point. He has less obvious character traits than some of the others, but by now I felt okay playing around with how he comes off to others, and I like this image of him. P.S. drinking game where every time I describe Billy as ‘wry’ or ‘dry’ you have to take a shot

But Billy wasn’t coming back in and he knew it. And when it was clear that Goodnight was still alone he raised the heels of his hands to his eyes and rubbed them, working away any sting as he let out a huge breath.

Jesus…

He really wanted a drink but remembered his glass was currently in smithereens on the floor. And somehow he couldn’t bring himself to use Billy’s glass, the only other one in the room. The intimacy of it would have been fine any other time, but not now. He knew he could have just used the bottle, but it was like he could still feel Billy’s eyes on him.

this just makes me think of any other times they might have shared the same glass before, possibly when they were still dancing around each other, but taking whatever contact they could get

He sighed and walked across the room, and slowly started to pick up shards of glass, looking around for a broom that could take care of any splinters that were left.

Well. They were probably bound to have a fight someday, Goodnight thought despondently. He just hadn’t thought it would be over something so stupid.

I’m generally of the opinion that they don’t fight all that often, and maybe when they first started riding together they expected that they’d probably have a fight sooner, but they never did, and it became a bit of a joke in both their heads how easily and immediately they seemed to get along

Okay, so maybe Goodnight had overreacted. But when that girl had come over and had sat so proprietorially on Billy’s lap, clearly taken in by his exoticism only, Goodnight had felt his tongue turn so sour that he’d immediately raised his glass to douse it in whiskey, absolutely refusing to look at them.

He had felt Billy’s eyes on him, uncertain at first. But when he’d realized Goodnight was ignoring him he’d turned a charming smile back to the girl, murmuring things in the low voice that he normally used when making his droll, acerbic comments to Goodnight only, whenever they were laughing silently at the various characters around them.

Billy can stand a lot of things, but being ignored is probably not one of them

Which was maybe when Goodnight had finally looked over at him and snapped that he had a shooting competition tomorrow and to keep his fucking head in the game because Goodnight was sick of doing it for the both of them.

Billy’s eyes had glittered black and he’d stood up abruptly. But rather than throwing a punch at Goodnight - which Goody had honestly thought for a second he might - Billy had just turned on his heel and stalked upstairs to their room.

okay honestly plot hole here haha, because what happened to the girl on his lap?? Did she just fall off when he stood up?? There are Goody and Billy glaring at each other, both oblivious to the girl who presumably just landed with a thud on the floor. I tried to write something happening to her but the image was just making me laugh too much so I chose to leave her fate unsaid haha, but seriously, “Billy stood up abruptly” *thunk*. I can’t reread this paragraph anymore without immediately picturing what happens to the girl and laughing, h’oh boy

Which is where Goodnight had found him later, silently cleaning his knives and polishing the blades with oil, a common ritual of his when he got tense.

A voice had been telling Goodnight to let it go. But watching the rigid line of Billy’s arms as he’d run a cloth up the length of a blade and back down the other side had caused something inside of Goody to shift. And so he’d opened his stupid mouth to needle Billy, to poke and to prod, looking for a reaction until he’d gotten one, and then their voices were raising, their tempers were flaring, and finally they were shouting at each other about everything under the sun except for the one thing they really wanted to shout about, which was that…which was that…

such a small thing but I deliberated for ages over whether to say “looking for a reaction until he’d gotten one” or “looking for a reaction until boy had he gotten one”. I wasn’t sure if it was too conversational for a narrative bit, and it probs makes no difference at all haha but that was one place I got stuck. I do like the ‘except for the one thing they really wanted to shout about’ though, for the idea that their love/tension is has just become so all-consuming it bears shouting about

Goodnight wasn’t an idiot. He knew things had changed ever since they’d left Austin. Ever since they’d shared things that might have been half-declarations if they’d looked at them a little closer.

I loooove ‘half-declarations’ here, I’m very proud of that sentence haha.

That was two months ago, and in the time between then and now, Goodnight could practically feel the space between them shrinking. Every interaction of theirs seemed loaded with words and gestures that by themselves might have been meaningless, but all piled up together with the driving forces of their personalities behind them? It was like the space between them lately had been burning, and Goody felt blinded by it every time he even tried to examine things more closely.

in a way I did myself a favour by jumping two months to chapter 3, and not having to deal with writing the growing unresolved sexual tension, which can sometimes be tricky haha. I like the quiet suggestions of romantic tension in chapter 2. And I felt in the story structure it would have been redundant to explore the growing sexual tension immediately after. So doing a time jump had two benefits in that it kept things fresh, and that it also let me write about sexual tension in HINDSIGHT, which I felt was kind of a neat perspective that’s not often done

Goodnight carried the pieces of glass across the room to dump them in the dustbin, looking at the chairs that had been set up in the middle. One had all of Billy’s knife-cleaning equipment still laid out on it, and the other was where Billy had been sitting.

Goodnight stared at the empty chair with a pang in his chest. Because he just didn’t know, couldn’t be sure if Billy had been doing the same kind of navel-gazing over their current dynamic that Goodnight was. Every time they lay out on their blankets in a camp before bed, Goodnight’s heart would be hammering so hard he wondered how Billy couldn’t hear it. Or maybe he could and he was intentionally not acknowledging it. But then why had Billy…

one thing I wish I had explored more in this section was Goody not being sure if Billy feels the same way, for the reason that Goody KNOWS he’s imaginative and romanticizes a lot. I wish I had included a bit of Goody knowing this about himself, and wondering if he’s been romanticizing things with Billy. I think that would have been a realistic angle for Goody’s doubts but oh welllll.

Goodnight’s heart sped up now, the same way it did every time he remembered it. Barely even two weeks ago. It had started out so innocently, so normally…just the two of them in some anonymous town, out around the back of a saloon, smoking shoulder to shoulder, and gazing out at the blackened desert sky.

And so begins what I humbly believe is one of the most intense things I’ve written. Btw, would you believe that I hadn’t included any smoking up until this point because I had just……forgotten that they do that lmao. Seriously yall, I’d seen the movie all of once before writing this fic and was too tired to retain everything haha. I feel like they don’t smoke at all in chapters 1 or 2, and by the time I got to chapter 3 I had remembered the cigarettes and the world of potential there haha

Goodnight had finished his cigarette first and had reached in his case to take another, remembering too late that it was empty.

what verb tense is this? past perfect? I feel like I’ve done an unlikely amount of writing in the past perfect form, just for the sake of flashbacks haha. I worry that it can read as distracting, but maybe it also helps make things more vivid. OR BOTH, WHO KNOWS. But idk, I feel like this tense has served me well on more than one occasion.

He’d snapped it shut. “You got another one?” he’d asked, leaning towards Billy, their shoulders nearly touching.

Billy had blown out a puff of smoke. “No,” he’d said simply.

Goodnight had sighed dramatically, leaning back against the outside wall of the saloon, and Billy had glanced at him amused, from where he was leaning himself.

my god they adore each other

Billy had looked thoughtfully at his own cigarette. It was almost a stub by now, probably just one more puff left.

And with a flick of his fingers he was raising it to his own lips to deliberately suck in the last drag of smoke, his lips curled smugly around the paper tip. Goodnight had scoffed and looked back out at the desert.

I like this fakeout where we think Billy might give the cigarette to him, but nope, he’s smoking it himself, but for an EVEN BETTER REASON

Which is when Billy had rolled into Goodnight’s space, Goodnight jolting when he realized their faces were barely an inch apart. And when Goodnight’s lips had parted in surprise, Billy had just leaned in and gently breathed the rest of the smoke into Goodnight’s mouth.

this is the one and only time I’ve ever had to walk off my own writing. The image was too much for me haha. This scene felt very special while I was writing it, so I’m thrilled that so many people brought it up afterwards

There wasn’t even enough space between their lips for the edge of one of Billy’s knives.

more knife imagery

And then Billy had flicked the finished cigarette away, leaving Goodnight standing there with his lungs and heart burning in his chest, and was walking back into the saloon just as cool as you please.

love that “just as cool as you please.” But for real, this was ballsy as hell of Billy

Goodnight had wanted to go after him. He’d wanted to go after him so badly.

you and me both, boyo, but then the fic would be over too soon!!

Instead he’d stared at the discarded cigarette butt for what felt like an hour as he waited for his heart to stop pounding, convincing himself that Billy had just been teasing him because that was what Billy did. He’d caught onto Goodnight’s preoccupation and was somehow making fun of him and…

No. For all his apparent sharpness, Billy was not a cruel man and that was the truth. The truth was that Goodnight was a goddamn coward. He hadn’t gone after Billy then, just like he wasn’t going after Billy now.

felt like this paragraph needed to be a jump from the flashback right back into reality and Goody’s inner thoughts, so I like that it’s a moment of insight that does it

Goodnight suddenly felt irritated. It wasn’t like Billy had said anything either.

But then again…Goodnight softened as he looked at the empty chair, and wondered which of them thought they had more to lose.

Goodnight walked over to his bed, the one against the wall like he always claimed whenever he and Billy ended up sharing rooms. He flopped down on the mattress and stared up at the ceiling. This thing they were dancing around was going to have to come out sometime. But until then he would just wait here for Billy to cool off and come back, Goodnight would apologize for being a prick, and they’d share a drink and laugh about the fact that they’d finally actually had a fight.

Give him an hour, Goodnight thought, laying back. One more hour and it would all be okay.

One hour later Goodnight was cleaning the room to distract himself. Okay so maybe Billy needed two hours, fair enough.

Two hours later had Goodnight sitting back on his bed, twiddling his thumbs, counting to a thousand in French just to pass the time.

Three hours later and Goodnight was goddamn irritated.

You’ve made your point, Billy, he thought in frustration, getting up to grab his hat, and stalking out of the room. If the mountain wouldn’t come to Mohammed…

love this little bit. This is definitely not the first time Goodnight has thought of his stubborn companion as the mountain to his mohammed

He made his way downstairs to the saloon’s bar where there were still some people milling around. Goodnight didn’t see Billy among them. He walked up to the bartender who was cleaning out a glass with a rag that was old but clean.

details details. the dingy bar is supposed to stand out from this one, hence the attention to the ‘clean’ rag, and then the pretty cordial bartender a couple sentences down

“You seen my friend?” Goodnight asked, not bothering to elaborate. He knew he and Billy stood out.

“Hmm?” the bartender asked, looking up and recognizing Goodnight. “Oh, yeah. He was here for a while. Had to cut him off though.”

Goodnight was alarmed. Billy could drink with the best of them, but he wasn’t actually what Goodnight would have considered a ‘drinker’, and he sure as hell never drank alone. And if he’d been sitting here trying to drink the whole bar because of Goodnight…

I’m convinced that the ‘Billy turns down a drink’ tiny moment was an acting choice of LBH’s, to make the scene where Billy drinks his sorrows stand out. Not sure if that ‘looks like he’s started to drink’ line of Horne’s was meant to be significant to Billy having been noticeably not a big drinker, but either way I’ve seen some interesting takes in fic on Billy’s relationship with alcohol. In this series he will gladly enjoy a drink or five in the right company, but if all the liquor in the world suddenly dried up, he wouldn’t feel too put out about it

Goodnight couldn’t have felt guiltier if he’d tried.

“You know where he went?” he asked the bartender.

“No but there’s only one other bar around here,” the man said. “And if he were wanting to continue he’d have gone over to Jim’s place. He’s a little less particular about drunks.”

okay let’s be real, I doubt any saloon in the wild wild west was ‘particular about drunks’ haha but HEIGHTENED TENSION NEEDS MUST

He pointed in the general direction of ‘Jim’s place’ and Goodnight nodded his thanks, heading out.

Oh Billy, what are you trying to do? Goodnight thought, quickening his pace.

annnnnnnd the tension turns up another notch. Go, Goody, go.

                                                            *

thanks for choosing this scene!

[wingingittheblog]

Blog 3- I’m emotionally unavailable (lol)

Good evening chums, today I’m here to talk to you about love. And life. More specifically, my love life. Or lack there-of.

Now, I like to tell myself that my relationship status is by choice. I mean, surely I could have someone if I wanted right? I mean, sure, opportunities have presented themselves in the past. And should I have taken them? Absolutely. Did I take them? Absolutely not. Why is that you ask? Because I, my dear friends, am well and truly, undoubtedly, 100% completely fucked in the head. You heard it here first folks, I’m emotionally unavailable.

Now, this might make sense if I had some form of long, convoluted story about how people have wronged me in the past and now I have serious trust issues or something. But the truth is, I have absolutely no reason for my inability to let myself into a relationship. My parents aren’t divorced. I haven’t reeeeaally had my heart broken. I’ve lived a perfectly adequate and privileged life. So why? Why the actual heck am I like this?

And so, my friends, I will give you a brief history of my barely there love life, and perhaps you can decipher this for me.

It all began in pre-school. I was four years old and I had somehow managed to get two boyfriends. It all started with Zane. One morning Zane and I were the first ones at pre school and we were playing with shapes that you stick on a magnetic board. Zane showed me that you could turn the square shapes into diamonds by turning them on their sides. I fell in love with Zane. Then there was Angus. Angus and I used to play Mums and Dads in the playground. I loved Angus too. So what did I do? I let them both be my boyfriend. Yup. I was a four year old two timer. I reached my peak way too young.

Primary school was full of harmless crushes but nothing more. I was dedicated to my studies. (By studies I mean sucking up to the teachers in the hopes of getting a star to put on the sticker chart).

Then came high school. My first high school boyfriend lasted 2 days. The first day we held hands on the bus all the way home. The second day he found out I didn’t like coffee ( I was like 14, chill) and dumped me. I was surprisingly unfazed.

I got my second high school boyfriend in year 9. He had read hair and was a classic larrikin type. We dated for a month and didn’t kiss the whole time (because my mum told me not to get caught up with boys). I felt like dating someone in high school was irresponsible because it took away from my studies (note- this is the same person who was not responsible enough to look after so much as a goldfish). Then I got a crush on boyfriend’s friend. I broke up with boyfriend. Whoops.

My first kiss was in year 11. It was for a school play. I somehow managed to land leading lady and it was scripted that I had to kiss Mr McDreamy in the play ( I was in love with Mr McDreamy at the time). I hadn’t read ahead in the script one day, when we were blocking one particular scene. “Do I do it?” McDreamy asked the director. The Director granted permission. Next thing I know I was kissing McDreamy (RESULT). Little did I know that the kiss was supposed to be followed by me slapping him in the face (Like I said, I didn’t read the script). So, the following minutes were slightly awkward as McDreamy and bystanders waited expectantly for a slap whilst I stood there, doe eyed and blushing. Good one Bella. You’ve really outdone yourself. I will skip over the following years, but they were full of mindless crushes, the odd date and a few cheeky late night kisses. But what ever fire kindled always fizzled pretty darn quick. Each time someone gets close to something more, I run away faster than a fat kid runs to pizza without even realising it. (Yes yes very sad Bella. This is your impending doom.)

I may be as  emotionally unavailable as fuck, but I can offer you 3 pieces of advice: If you fall in love with someone you’ve never met and they have nice hair, its probably only because they have nice hair If you like someone, don’t get your friend to pretend to be you and send them a message, and then delete your entire social media profile so the message disappears, and then re-download all social media and do the exact same thing all over again. The result won’t change. I promise. If you’re trying to flirt with someone, do not- I repeat, do NOT- steal their microwave and try and sell it on gumtree.

[elenaferrante]

Where Your Heart Is by @tvshows-addict and @anhcor (155k): Louis is ready for his brand new adventure. So what if he suffers from a genetic condition that prevents him from being touched? College is going to be awesome. It has to. Karma kind of owes him right now. Forget about his overprotective mother, or Liam– his entirely too chipper step brother– or his mess of a roommate. Forget about the gloves he has to wear at all times. He’s here to expand his knowledge, write and drown himself in books – No matter how distracting ‘Hallway Boy’ may be– The obnoxious, flirty frat wannabe determined to become the bane of Louis’ existence. Or, a college AU set in San Francisco where two lost boys who seemingly have nothing in common find inspiration, each other, and themselves in the process. 

You. Hey you! 

I don’t know what you’re doing right now, but I know what you should be doing, and that’s reading

Where Your Heart Is

cause, believe me, this fic is gonna change your life. (More under the cut |

Spoiler free

)

I feel like I’ve been waiting for it to be posted for ages, since my darling @nottooldforthisship first talked to me about it and I got immediately super excited cause, I mean, Photograph is just one of my fav fics, no big deal. And I spent the last few days in a total hype, especially after Addy had been so kind to make me read the plot.  I couldn’t wait. I literally couldn’t wait, in fact, I started reading this fic while queuing outside a Pandora store. And I haven’t stopped reading till 6 am, when I had to force myself to put my phone down. This is how good this fanfiction is. A jewel. A pearl. A diamond. You guys have completely outdone yourselves.

 The plot is great and super original, I’ve never read anything like it in any fandom (or any published book tbh), characters are greatly built, everyone’s background and psychology is on point. Harry and Louis are… Well, Harry and Louis are amazing, both of them, and Liam is a puppy as usual, Niall is just brilliant and I love him so so so much (can I mention the Koogle? How genius is that?), and Sam… I’m so happy you brought her back and I don’t know how but you managed to make her even more adorable. Your writing skills are terrific tbh, I love your style, I absolutely adored the slow burn (to me, the slower the better. And the angstier the better. What can I say, I’m a masochist), I adored all the artistic references (especially la Gioconda, but I may be biased), I adored the soundtrack (and I’m so honoured you guys used the songs I suggested as well!), I adored everything. 

 Chapeau, ladies. This is a masterpiece. This is already a classic. This is so much more than a fanfiction and I’m grateful for it. So thank you, for having gifted us all with such a marvellous work, for all the feelings, for all the tears and for the goosebumps you gave me.

 All the love,   Julie 

 Ps. I hope you’re already working on something else, you may be addicting! lol I’m joking 

 Pps. I’m not joking I really hope you’re gonna bless us with some other fic! 

[jimlingss]

OMG KINA so I just finished reading The End and I was going thru a whole rollercoaster of emotions u truly made me feel All The Feels™️ with this fic!!! first of all, lemme just say u succeeded in going out with a banger bec this fic was SO INCREDIBLY AMAZING I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. LIKE EVERYTHING. originally, while reading I was just jotting down points that stuck out to me but eventually it turned into me basically live reacting bec one thing I didn’t expect was for us to spend so much

time with oc and jin after that crazy whirlwind adventure they went on when they ‘properly’ met?! I thought the fic would end when oc meets jin in the present day but I was so glad for it to continue on into what happens next bec it made me love them even more, and I’m so glad for everything that happened afterwards!!!! okay tbh I don’t really know how to make sense of all the notes I wrote down so I’m kinda just going to combine them, or at least the start of them, bec I feel like it’ll still make some sense if I do that bec they’re my thoughts/feelings about the fic/ur writing in general. but towards the end of what I wrote down it is literally just me reacting to things that happen in the fic bec A LOTTA SHIT HAPPENS so I’ll just start listing them bec idk how else to organise them and I already know this is gonna be a long message sbdkncf. before I start, please just know my heart swooned so many times even when jin and oc were talking while travelling thru time (their chemistry was just SO GOOD to me even from that point) and I also teared up/tried not to cry/failed miserably and cried multiple times even tho I didn’t mention that a lot in my notes, I felt that big lump in my throat so many times okay so that’s how u know the angst really got to me .__. The End was so thoughtful and heartfelt and amazing. I am so so so happy with the way the fic ended tho, thank u SOOO MUCH for writing this absolute masterpiece of a fic!!!!! it truly is such a good final story and I’m so thankful to be able to read it and all ur other fics throughout the years. so many of them have a special place in my heart and I think of them from time to time and reread them kinda often too so I’m so glad to be able to know such amazing fics exist :’) okay just this intro is getting long so lemme just get into listing my thoughts/reactions hehe sorry for how long and incoherent this is about to get but I’m not the best with words don’t know how else to share what I felt while reading this fic, but this is all things that I thought of while reading and wrote down bec I wanted to make sure u knew how amazing this fic and ur writing in general is to me (side note: as I’m sending this, the formatting of this ask is weird and there’s a huge space between this paragraph and the first bullet point for some reason and I can’t get rid of it but idk if it’ll actually send thru like that so if it does pls just ignore that. also I just realised there’s no word count anymore I think? rip apologies in advance for how long this is but I thought it might be easier if it’s all in one ask kjsjdnfn) :

• the dog world reference and when spring meets autumn reference :’) I love when u reference ur other fics

• I just love ur writing so much like it’s so easy to follow and get lost in the description and dialogue and works you’ve created. you’ve really outdone yourself with The End and I’m glad u seem to be proud of it too bec u should be!!!

• it’s so cool how u showed so many aspects of relationships and why some are great and some still may not work despite that and still have their own challenges within the various specific circumstances in this one fic and all the factors that go into relationships too (like oc said: family, compatibility, career, stability, etc)

• it’s such a pleasure to be able to see how much ur writing has improved and to just read all ur creative ideas in fics, both in older fics and newer fics, bec so many of them stick with me and have a special place in my heart. it just makes me want to reread them over and over and I definitely have already and I still will be rereading ur fics for a long time lol!!

• even the lil parts where jin and oc were getting friendlier or acting cuter with one another or when jin was secretly judging these candidates for oc even tho he’s trying to help potentially her be with one of them or even when jin seemed to know something that oc didn’t, it was all so heart-fluttering and exciting to read about I just love the subtleties in stories in general (it’s that show don’t tell aspect I think) and it was so well done in this fic imo!!!

• even tho I like ot7 fics I usually don’t gravitate towards stories like this where they’re all potential lover interests but at different points of oc’s life, but u just made it work so well!! I enjoyed myself reading this fic so much and I feel like everything just made sense and made me feel for oc and jin too and for the different situations oc was in and the emotions she felt within them. it was all different but somehow some similar emotion linked them that made her realise that this isn’t the life she wanted to choose for herself

• when oc found out the truth about jin u wrote ‘Your breath hitches. Your heart stops in your chest. It lodges inside your throat.’ and that’s LITERALLY how I felt. ur writing and this fic in particular made me feel SO many things and I absolutely LOVE when a story is able to do that to me. I adore ur writing so so so much!!!

• I had the fattest lump in my throat trying not to cry and I was just thinking how are u able to make me feel this way with ur writing I’m so in awe of how amazing it is?! how can someone write this well and write a story this good?!

• june 23rd the day of the car accident omg that’s ur blog’s anniversary date right? and ur last day on this blog? damn the parallels make me feel even more sad about u leaving and this whole situation with jin and oc :( they only knew each other for 2 years but from the way jin acts around oc and even wants her to choose a new timeline for herself to avoid meeting him and thus avoid the pain of his death? I can tell he really cares for oc and loves her so much :( HOW THE HECK did u manage to make me feel jin and oc’s chemistry so much when I didn’t even know what they were like when they were together?! again, ur writing is truly one of my favourites and I really mean that!!!

• when it said ‘Salt bleeds from your eyes that still hold the memory of his tender gaze but it, too, has already begun to fade.

The six love letters sit untouched on the table as if nothing had happened.

The silence of your apartment is deafening.’ I was scared oc is gonna forget about jin and this whole night she spent with him exploring possible alternate lives but I’m glad she still remembers when she woke up even tho it’s still painful he disappeared and I wonder if jin will remember :( probably not since his ghost was the one who knew everything after obviously dying but I wonder how oc would be with present day jin, knowing exactly when he dies and I wonder if she’d even tell him about anything from that eventful night?

• omfg as soon as I read that the new transfers from the Fresno branch were coming I remembered oc’s colleague talking about that at the start of the fic and THE DOTS WERE CONNECTING IN MY BRAIN I completely forgot about it throughout the course of the fic until then but I gasped and was like :O perhaps jin is one of them?!

• the way u describe jin’s lil •ᴗ• smile makes me emo for some reason I just love it :’)

• “is there something on my face?” “you’re just handsome” I KNOW OC KINDA DIDNT MEAN TO SAY THAT BUT YYYYEEEESSSS I LOVE IT HERE

• “It’s nice to meet you. I hope we can be good deskmates.” oh jin baby if only u knew

• “But I’m actually terrible with directions. Maybe you could join me and lead the way?” that’s not what u said in France!!!! oc knows u lying but it’s a cute excuse!!!

• ‘A love story with a forgotten prequel.’ omg PAIN... I wonder if jin will remember or come to know of their ‘prequel’ later on or when he dies or if he’ll reappear to oc when he dies ;(

• omg all of these snippets into their life together... usually I don’t like when stuff progresses fast but in this case I already love jin and oc together since their whole whirlwind adventure and it just feels right for them, and knowing what happens in just 2 years, I’m kinda glad they form such a deep relationship so quickly :’)

• ‘When you blow out the candle on the cake, you wish for this happiness to last.’ she got her 30th birthday wish and on her 31st birthday she’s not alone :( I hope this wish of her’s somehow comes true too :( I love her and jin, their relationship is just so cute and comforting and sweet and they’re just so right for each other I want this to last forever for them <3

• u know there’s this thing ppl say that’s like do I like men or do I like men written by women? u truly made me think that so much bec this jin was just so sweet and incredible to me I absolutely love him

• “Let’s look in July.” GIRL U KNOW WHATS GONNA HAPPEN IN JUNE is that why she just wants to stay where she’s always stayed rather than find a new place with jin only to be alone there when he’s gone :(

• the way they keep holding hands just reminds me of their prequel adventure when they’d hold hands to travel to different places/times, I love them so much man ;(

• omg oc is trying to avoid june 23rd.. I was thinking maybe she’ll do that and hopefully something will work out in their favour but idk .... I’m stressed I’m basically live reacting at this point bec it’s getting closer and closer to the date.. I’m scared tho is something bad gonna happen if they avoid june 23rd?? will oc possibly die instead??? what in the final destination is gonna happen I’m so ?!?! lemme continue reading..

• NOOOO WHY DID JIN LEAVE THE HOUSE AFTER PROMISING NOT TO I MEAN I GET HES WORRIED ABOUT OC’S HEALTH BUT NOOOOO PLEASE

• ‘I want her to be with someone who can make her happy.’ HES WISHING FOR HIMSELF!!! HES THE ONE WHO MAKES OC HAPPY THE ONLY ONE SHE WANTS TO BE WOTH!!!! omfg I really thought maybe he’ll get a second chance bUT HES WAKING UP TO THE SIGHT OF HER ON THE 30TH BDAY ISNT HE?! BACK IN THE PAST BEFORE THEY MET AND TO THE START OF THE STORY NOOO

• the way whenever jin looks at oc his eyes soften and his gaze tenders.... PAAAIIIINNN I WANT THEM TO BE TOGETHER SO BAD

• wait so he’s in hospital rn.. is this the period when his ghost and past oc are going on their adventure in the meantime.. and oc picks jin at the end right? so hopefully his ghost returns to his body in the hospital and he wakes up and they can be together in the present and future then? man I’m clinging onto every shred of hope I can for them to end up happy together, if that happens I hope they both tell each other they both know about what happened that crazy night with the 6 love letters

• holding his hand while he’s unconscious :( all this hand holding is just so THEM™️ I love it

• ‘Salt bleeds from your eyes that still holds the memories you’ve made together.’ OMG THE SALT BLEEDS FROM YOUR EYES LINE AGAIN BUT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT miss kina u are a freaking genius I love whenever u do this in ur fics I just love parallels So Much

• ‘Even if it means the present and future pain, you wouldn’t change being with him.’ AND THAT LINE IS FROM EARLIER IN THE FIC TOO ISNT IT?? omfg so jin never actually died I AM SO GLAD MISS OC NEVER CHOSE ANOTHER GUY BEC IMAGINE IF SHE DID SHE WOULDVE JUST NOT KNOWN HER DREAM MAN AKA JIN kina the way the past and present and future all tie in together is just so genius to me like ITS SO PERFECT BEC IM HAPPY JIN IS STILL ALIVE BUT ALL THE EMOTIONS I FELT BEFORE WHILE WAITING FOR JUNE 23RD FELT LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER

• omg wait so did jin and oc never talk about how they knew the future/how jin’s ghost came to her?? wait miss kina I’m genuinely asking, this isn’t rhetorical lol, so they never tell each other and never know that the other basically knew about what would happen in the future? or they do talk about it and I’m just dumb and didn’t get it lol?

• ‘For the pair of you to be together. Until the end.’ omg I would’ve wished for this too if I was oc and ‘the end’ the name of the fic are the last words of it ahhh idk why that makes me feel things :’)

...this is all kind of a mess I’m sorry but thank u SO MUCH for this amazing fic kina!!!! and for all the amazing fics you’ve posted here during ur time on tumblr!!! I’m truly going to miss ur wonderful writing and presence here so much but I wish u all the best for ur future and I hope you’ll come back from time to time to let us know how u are if u want!! just like how u said ur not gonna forget writing/ur time on tumblr, I will never forget ur fics either and will be rereading them in the future too just bec I love them so much <3 in fact, before reading The End I was thinking to myself I want to reread Sugar and Coffee just bec I was lowkey nervous The End would end really angsty (but I love the way it ended) and S&C is one of my faves and it’s been awhile since I last read it so I might go to that lol!! I know anything I say won’t come close to how much I love u and ur writing and how thankful I am to be able to read it but please know I appreciate u so so so much and I really wish u all the happiness and success in the future too!!!! sorry I’m starting to sound redundant and this got so long, I think I said most of what I wanted to say at the start and throughout that list lol, but AHHH I LOVE U AND I LOVE THE END AND I LOVE ALL UR FICS <333

Holy shit, anon. You wrote me a whole bible and i- i loVE IT!! I am so honoured that you thought so much of my story to write and rave this much about it. I am so speechless and honoured and in awe.

first off, I'm glad you thought it was a banger cause I definitely wanted to leave off with one. I'm glad you gave it a chance and that you liked it even if these kinds of ot7 fics aren't up your alley. secondly, thank you for walking me though your thought processes and highlighting certain sections/dialogue. specific feedback like that is actually the most helpful since it points out what in particular was good. It also allows me to experience the story all over again :') thirdly, it's very nice to hear that my writing has improved since I think my writing skills was pretty garbage when I first started hahahaa that being said, it makes me very happy to know that people cherish my stories as much as I do. it's definitely a pleasure to write for readers like you :')

June 23rd is indeed my official anniversary date! there's definitely a lot of parallels - not only in the story itself, but in real life and from other fics (ie the cameos) haha. also nice catch!! I don't think anyone's mentioned the directions thing yet but jin was definitely telling some white lies to get with OC hahhaha I also want to say it makes me soo happy that you ship the two characters together cause that's what all romance writers aim for!! :D

To answer your question btw, OC never told Jin that she knew the future or how Jin's ghost came to her until after the accident and he wakes up. so the moment he wakes up in the hospital (right before the epilogue), he knows she knows. so they're both caught up to speed essentially.

Anyway, thank you so much. This all really means a lot, so thank you for reading <3

[expatabroad]

Italy trip - Day 4 (Sept 16th 2017)

A.K.A “Rik’s Birthday”. A.K.A. “Still in Rome”. A.K.A. “Drankin’ at the Vatican”.

We decided to head back to the Vatican but with attire more fit for the pope....and GREAT SUCCESS! We managed to get in this time! 

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(The selfie I sent my sister to notify her that I had gained entrance to potentially see the “pope-ah” after she told me not to dress like a whore this time)

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As it turns out, it wasn’t actually as strict as they led on. That being said, it was likely a good idea that I packed my rain parka as it’s likely I would’ve been told off for exposed shoulders (as I was wearing a sleeveless sun dress). My rookie mistake was that it was humid as hell and I chose to wear the wind-breaker the whole time inside just in case and ended up sweltering. It seemed as though we only needed to adhere to the dress code when inside the Sistine Chapel itself, so I baked a LOT longer than required.

Before getting inside, we had to queue for what the tour-terrorists claimed would be “2 hours mimimum, easily” (which actually translates to just over an hour). Thankfully, this was mainly in the shade and there were railings that we could sit/lean on. There were choirs in the queue as well harmonising and that made it move quite quickly. Before we knew it, we were at the door heading in. I would definitely say that saving the extra money to not “skip the line” paid off.

Even though I’m not religious, the buildings we walked through in the Vatican were truly a sight to behold as they were just filled to the brim with gorgeous works of art. Every room was nearly covered from floor to ceiling with paintings. The canvases and tapestries could get as big as the full height of the wall in some locations. 

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(Tell me that’s not huge!)

(I’m not sure I could tell you anywhere else in the world with such intricate ceilings throughout...)

(These banged up angels from a banged up angle were one of my favourites.)

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The Sistine Chapel itself was incredible and it was a totally surreal moment to see The Creation of Adam right there above my head. I can’t even tell you the amount of times I have laughed while re-creating some version of this iconic painting. I literally just did it last night with my dog, no joke. Something I almost never thought I’d get to see in person (and very nearly didn’t as we were debating if it was something we should do) so, yet again, another thing I can excitedly tick off my bucket list. There were designated guards in some of the room - especially in the Sistine Chapel itself - who’s job was to keep the peace and quiet and stop anybody trying to snap pictures. There was constant “shoosh”-ing (where it got so irritating I just joined in for the hell of it because it’s slightly less annoying when you participate) by the guards and visitors. You just had to laugh. Rik managed to take a stealth photo (which I won’t share here as I’m sure there is some way I could get in trouble and I’m not going down for his crimes LOL).

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(I won’t share the quick snap of The Creation of Adam, but I will share this iconic Michelangelo)

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I think we made it through, start to finish - just in time as when we were leaving, the entrance was shut and it seemed like they were prepping the exit for closure as well. We paid an extortionate amount for Peronis sold by some street vendor just so we could enjoy drinking it on the steps of the Vatican exit just because. You know what they say: When in Rome! Literally! (As you can imagine, I made sure to run this saying right into the ground on our 4 days in Rome, because well, WHEN IN ROME!). My mother would have probably killed me (and you can be sure as shit I didn’t actively send any photos to my mom of that one!) but it seemed necessary and felt right.

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(Pics or GTFO - as they say)

(Group shot - sorry mom! No regrets.)

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We headed back to the flat to freshen up but swung by a market/bakery first. This is worth noting only because the cannoli mentioned in the last post was actually outdone by the one I got here. It was smaller but cheaper (1€) and had mini chocolate chips in it instead of pistacchios. 

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(If that doesn’t make you drool, I’m questioning who you are as a human being. Just sayin’.)

(The Cannoli in question.)

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Picking a restaurant for Rik’s birthday dinner proved to be a challenge as all the places we looked at that appealed to us were either really expensive or were booked solid with no space at all to fit all 5 of us in. We didn’t want to have too late of a night because we were due a 3 hour bus trip to Florence tomorrow (with the bus leaving just after 10).

We did end up back at The Hole for pre-drinks and ate at the trattoria literally right across from it. The food was so good, Rik still talks about it to this day....although that might also be because we engorged ourselves so much (all of us) that we felt physically ill from how stuffed we were. It was totally worth it though. Our amazing and hilarious waiter selected starters for us and I ended up getting rigatoni with a cream red pepper sauce for my main. The portions were HUGE. They weren’t allowed to sing Happy Birthday to Rik because of the manager’s rule but he snuck us a cheeky candle out with some tiramisu (that was clearly fresh because you could taste the fresh, warm espresso at the bottom). 

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(This picture doesn’t even remotely convey how huge that plate of pasta was. I literally shamed everybody else into finishing theirs as well. If we ate any more, we might have exploded for real...)

(Birthday-misu!)

(Group shot with our waiter. Not a clue what his name was as we never really had a chance to  ask, but he was honestly the coolest and funniest waiter I may have ever had. It was an absolute pleasure dining with him and I would certainly go back again if I ever found myself back in Rome.)

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While the boys paid up, I snuck back over to the Hole for one last “farewell Roma” cocktail and limoncello shot and then went back to find them. They wanted to go seek out a rock bar for a few more drinks but I knew we’d be up early so headed home as I didn’t want to stay out and feel terrible (also, I definitely needed the bathroom so Rik, being the absolute legend I’ve already told you he is, covered for me so I could sneak away while the rest went on without me as they didn’t initially want to leave me behind). They didn’t stay out very long, but Rik did stall them as long as he could. This is why I married this man (or at least one reason). No shame.

It was nice as I got a chance to speak to my parents quickly and then put the Road to El Dorado on on Netflix via our tablet and nodded off at some point.

To End this post, here are some slightly tipsy selfies with myself and the birthday boy. He doesn’t usually put on a smile when I force him into taking selfies....Enjoy LOL:

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TBC...(with a trek to Florence)