#I make $12 an hour do you honestly think I care about any aspect of your life

[yzerman]

i actually hope i live to be old just for the sake of being a nice old person and not an entitled shitbag that can’t even load their own purchases into their car but can throw them on a flat cart just fine

[harmoonix]

🌴 ☙ Lovely astrology notes ☙🌴

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☙ Your Jupiter Sign can describe some traits your husband might have (This applies only if you attracted to men)

Aries Jupiter - Loves to give you the attention you need and shares loves and intimacy

Taurus Jupiter - Loves to get touchy with you they love physical touch and gentle touching

Gemini Jupiter - Would spend hours talking with you about how your day is, how you're doing, and how much you can mean to them

Cancer Jupiter: Loves to comfort you when you need it and to support you

Leo Jupiter: Loves to talk about about how proud they are of you

Virgo Jupiter: Someone who can take care of you or you support you when you have it low

Libra Jupiter: Loves to take you on romantic dates and to tell you how much they love you

Scorpio Jupiter: Would give you the moon, they would love to hug you all day long

Sagittarius Jupiter: To take you in amazing trips/adventures and to make memories together

Capricorn Jupiter: Loves to hangout with you and to give you assurance about how much you mean to them

Aquarius Jupiter: Would make you their best friend and treat you like a lover in the same, they can talk with their friends a lot about you

Pisces Jupiter: Would love to create an connection with you and to be bounded in love but also spiritually

🌏♡🌏♡🌏♡🌏♡🌏♡🌏♡🌏♡🌏♡🌏♡🌏♡🌏♡

☙ Jupiter trine/sextile/conjunct Ascendant can make the native thick, or just giving them very thick legs/thighs (Of course you need to eat healthy and etc to have a nice body) 👄

☙ Virgo Moons/Moon in Virgo Degrees (6°, 18°) prioritize their health a lot, they are always concerning about their health also about how healthy they eat 💭

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Sullys stick together. That was our greatest weakness, and our great strength.

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☙ Libra Moon/Moon in Libra Degrees (7°, 19°) are the people who fall very easily in love without thinking "What if they are wrong person for me" and just realizing at the end/when the things get low, be aware of the people around you 💗

☙ Moon trine/sextile Venus can make the native an hopeless romantic, someone who can offer anything for their partners and loving them unconditionally

☙ Pisces Moon/Moon in Pisces Degrees (12°, 24°) can be spiritual gifted, aswell as very intuitive. Can also have signs in their dreams, they can be also psychic 🪄

☙ Pluto aspecting Neptune (all aspects) can have a sort of spiritual awakening at some point or just a type of rebirthing of how they evolve spiritually

☙ Asteroid Valentine [447] in Libra/in 7th house or at Libra Degrees (7°, 19°) makes the native to be gifted with a good love life and possibly even marriage life but only if they find the right partner who can give them all the love they need (I love the love asteroids in Libra because they are connected so much, some asteroids even feel at home in Libra💅🏼)

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░P░A░N░D░O░R░A░

☙ Asteroid Valentine [447] in Sagittarius/in the 9th house or at Sagittarius Degrees (9°,21°) makes the native to be very curious when they get into a relationship, they can travel with their specific person a lotttt and to enjoy their presence, you can feel free with them (Honestly any love asteroids in Sagittarius are chefs kiss💋)

☙ Asteroid Valentine [447] in Virgo/in the 6th house or at Virgo Degrees (6°, 18°) can find that perfectionist partner who can be good at literally everything 😍, also their partners can be like teachers and teach them a lot of things

☙ Asteroid Valentine [447] trine/sextile/conjunct the MC can make the people to see you and your specific person as the perfect couple, a couple is very in love with eachother and very affectionate

☙ Asteroid Valentine in Aries/1st house or at Aries Degrees (1°, 13°, 25°) makes the native to be attracted physically like a magnet 🧲 to people, they can attract partners easily and partners with good personalities/dominant figures/brave etc

(Love this gif so much seeing Neytiri as a mom makes my heart melt, trying to not CRY everytime I see this scene)

☙ Venus Degrees over your Sun Sign (2°,7°,14°, 19°, 26°) can give your an alluring beauty that many people can find it very attractive, because of Taurus & Libra energy you also tend to be very romantic

☙ Saturn in the 7th house is not for the weak, Saturn gives lessons and challenges, yes he can do that but it always comes with good things aswell, they can have success in finding a very good relationship and a serious one who can last forever (Saturn loves to be in the 7th house idk what astrologer woke up and said "Wait Saturn doesn't like it here") 👽...

☙ Saturn in the 5th house is a very strong placements for those who want to have a good relationship and kids, Saturn might give you that but it can come later in life or after you just learned some lessons about those topics, the right partner will come for you, don't you worry.

☙ Venus/Juno combined with Saturnian Degrees (10°, 11°, 22°, 23°) can have karmic relationships/partners or just relationships that can have a lot lessons

☙ Juno in Taurus or 2nd house might get "Princess Treatment" or very spoiled by their partners 🛍️🛍️ this placement can also be "Material Girl"

☙ Sagittarius + Libra placements especially in big 6 (Sun, Moon, Rising, Venus, Mars, Mercury) in a chart can make someone very outgoing and fun to be around with, they love to hangout so much and just to go and have fun

☙ Capricorn + Scorpio placements in big 6 (Sun, Moon, Rising, Venus, Mars, Mercury) can make someone very loyal and serious about what they want in life, they are very good at hiding their feelings from the world so no one can know them

☙ Aquarius + Pisces placements in big 6 can make someone very creative, intuitive, misterious and very humanitarian, they love to help others (even animals if they can), having this love for the world is something they are born with

☙ Leo + Aries placements in a chart can make someone very hot tempered, someone who's emotion's can be felt very intense and yet someone who can be dramatic sometimes, they are a good combo for confidence boost

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☙ Taurus and Cancer placements in a chart can make someone very nurturing, someone who can make other people feel better with their words, aswell as very sensitive and caring with the people they love

☙ Virgo and Gemini placements in a chart can make the native to be seen as someone who is very intelligent and with a lot of logic, wise, curious and talktive yet shy sometimes, they love to make deep conversations and chats

☙ AIR moon + FIRE rising in a chart can make the person very expressive and logical, they think at every situation possible when something doesn't go as planed, they are extremely fun to be around

☙ EARTH moon + EARTH rising in a chart makes the person very intuitive and grounding, they are very generous with people and EXTREMELY KIND like omg they are so kind with literally everyone + someone who has a lot of respect for others

(Couldn't find an gif of this so I needed to take a photo 🥹🥹 so sweet I love them so much)

☙ WATER moon + AIR rising makes the person to be very creative, someone with a lot of dreams and possibly someone who is always with their head in the clouds, they have this special aesthetic and an creative eye for a lot of things

☙ FIRE moon + WATER rising can make the native very honest and trusty, they are so curious about everything around them hearing "What's that","How that works". "How you make this" is so cute because they tend to be this energetic person who can send a lot of good vibes to people

☙ Can we talk about how Moon and Mercury aspects are literally having the most cutest voices ever??? They can possess singing abilities aswell like gurl go sing TITANIC and you will have success

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🙂 How can I describe this... I love avatar so much that I made another post based on the movie 😭 I love it so much give it a chance to watch in case the gifs make you to wonder about it 🫶🏼

🤍☀️ Anyway while writing I felt this post was a bit long I entered in many subjects and i described many placements and my theories about some aswell ☀️🤍 Hope you will like it as much as I did while processing this post 🫶🏼☀️🤍

☀️🤍🫶🏼Have a blessed day full of light and warm energy ☀️🤍🫶🏼

[republicsecurity]

Service guarantees surveillance and conditioning

CRO Representative: "Welcome, fresh faces, to the world of the Paramedic Corps. You're embarking on a journey that will test your mettle, your resolve, and your very essence. But before we dive into the deep end of this pool, let's talk about something that's often swept under the rug: Your rights. Yes, you heard me right, recruits, you have rights, even in this tightly regulated paramilitary machine."

Recruit #1: whispers to Recruit #2 "Did he just say 'rights'? Is this some kind of sick joke?"

CRO Representative: "I assure you, it's no joke. First off, mistakes happen. Nobody's perfect, and we get that. When you mess up, and you will, instead of harsh punishment, we believe in more training and conditioning. That's right, you'll get extra rounds of neural fun."

Recruit #2: leans in to whisper "Extra conditioning? That's a reward!"

CRO Representative: "Now, onto a more sensitive matter. Your sexual preferences. Listen up, because this is important. Not everyone experiences the same effects during conditioning. So, if you remain straight, or you just not into sex, you won't be treated any worse than others. Equality, sort of."

Recruit #3: raises an eyebrow "Sort of?"

CRO Representative: "Paramedic work should be your main gig, not parades or standing guard or doing other stuff. It's in the job description, but we promise not to make you more than 50% parade float. Right?"

Recruit #4: "Are we supposed to cheer for that?"

CRO Representative: "Now, let's talk about preserving what's left of your personality. You'll need it. Your core identity should survive this conditioning, and that's one of your rights. Not everybody experiences conditioning as well as others, so after three months you can choose specialties that are less conditioning intensive.

You deserve one day off every 10 days, at least one non-chow meal every day, sufficient meal times, and a right to enough sleep."

Recruit #5: "I can't believe we're excited about meal times and sleep."

CRO Representative: "Hold your enthusiasm; there's more. You get at least one hour of free time on workdays, no HUD interference.

If the brass decides to dish out physical training as punishment, they have to sweat it out with you.

Family gets to call you by your birth name, and you can have traumatic memories wiped, you should apply for a wipe within 12 to 24 hours of the event to be effective."

Recruit #6: "What's the catch?"

CRO Representative: "Ah, the catch is the rest, so to say. But lets go on: Before they slice and dice you, you have to consent to surgical intervention. And remember, you can object to training in violence and weapons. There you have it, your 'rights' in this brave new world. Now, let's get back to the grind. Paramedics, move out!"

Recruit #7: whispering to Recruit #8 "Man, I'm relieved about those rights. At least they can't push us around completely, right?"

Recruit #8: "Yeah, it's not as bad as I thought. I mean, the extra training sounds rough, but it's better than getting punished in other ways, I guess."

Recruit #9: "I came here to be drilled hard, to become the best. These 'rights' sound like excuses to slack off."

Recruit #10: "Honestly, I don't care about the rights stuff. I joined to serve. If I wanted an easy gig, I would've gone for the Enviro Corps."

CRO Representative: "Now, I know this all seems like a bitter pill to swallow, but there's a silver lining in this surveillance cloud. You see, nearly everything you do is meticulously documented, logged, and tracked. And no, it's not just for the sadistic pleasure of our AI overlords. It's for your own protection."

Recruit #7: "Protection? How?"

CRO Representative: "Think about it, recruits. In this world of intense conditioning, where every aspect of our lives is controlled, having a record of what happens can be your best friend. If things ever go sideways, and they often do, you have a record to back you up."

Recruit #8: "So, it's like a safeguard?"

CRO Representative: "Exactly. You have a digital trail to show that you've been doing your duty, following orders, and not breaking any rules. It's your shield against false accusations, and believe me, they can come fast and furious."

CRO Representative: "Ah, now you're all probably wondering about the calorie intake supervision and the ban on caffeine and certain substances. It might sound harsh, but trust me, there's a method to this madness."

Recruit #7: "You mean there's a method to drinking nutrient sludge and giving up coffee?"

CRO Representative: "Indeed, there is. You see, this controlled diet ensures that you get exactly what your body needs to perform at its best. No more, no less. It might taste like sludge, but it's the optimized fuel for your paramedic engine."

Recruit #8: "And the caffeine ban?"

CRO Representative: "Caffeine and other stimulants mess with the neural conditioning. They can interfere with your HUD's neural interface and the AI systems we depend on."

CRO Representative: "Listen up, recruits. I won't sugarcoat it; the first two months in the Paramedic Corps are going to be the toughest. Your bodies and minds will be pushed to the limit as they adapt to our demanding way of life."

Recruit #14: "Toughest? We're already being pushed to the brink here!"

CRO Representative: "I get it. The conditioning, the shaved heads, the strict routine – it's all a lot to take in. But trust me, it's during these initial months that you'll undergo the most significant changes. Your neural conditioning will become second nature, your HUD interface will feel like an extension of yourself."

CRO Representative: "Now, back to our 'beneficial' conditioning sessions!"

Recruits: "Aye, Sir"

CRO Representative: "That's the spirit, recruits. Remember, the more you play along, the easier it gets. And if you ever feel the weight of it all, remember we're here for you. We might not have much, but together, we can make it through this."

Recruits: "Together."

[cubedmango]

Just had to get this off my chest but I just rewatched episode 12 and when I tell you the tears would NOT stop flowing like I have the nastiest headache right now I can’t believe myself?? There’s just. There was so much going on there like the fact that I realised I actually like tsuge and his character like his friendship with adachi is so solid and I realised that the conversation he had with him in the cafe, was exactly what he kinda should have had with kurosawa? (Like yeah they do eventually on the rooftop) but like that reassurance that the magic wasn’t what would make their relationship stable it was them actually just communicating with each other and getting to learn abt e/o that way, mistakes included like OOF I thought it was really nice cause it had the romantic aspect with him and kurosawa, but also him realising that it applies for any relationship including his friendships with people too I just. Man I love how they placed so much importance and value on all kinds of relationships with people you come across in life :( AND THEN the rooftop scene oh jeez,,, something funny I always wondered about was how long adachi was riding that bike cause we went from broad daylight to nighttime but ANYWAY can I just say hearing kurosawa say ‘adachi?’ In that soft, unsure voice as though he couldn’t believe his eyes felt like m*rder I had to pause and collect myself . also can I just say I forgot. How tender that entire scene is like that’s when I truly broke down because Are They Insane. What do you mean they have an entire conversation with kurosawa literally cradling the back of adachi’s head and there’s a moment there where he re-adjusts his hand and closes his eyes to breathe and naina I- I’m losing my mind why,, why did they have to invent gentle intimacy like that WHY? Okay lemme stop myself because I’m realising I could talk about that scene for 10 hours straight but can we seriously focus on the fact that even though they literally broke up kurosawa was ready to essentially propose if adachi somehow still showed up for their date. Like the levels to that make my head spin and i’m not even gonna touch on the fact that adachi immediately starts crying after that cause I will lay down and never get up like it probably set in again that the love kurosawa has for him is unconditional and like he just mentioned that he couldn’t possibly fathom anyone else having his heart apart from adachi like oh…. I’m so sorry this is unbelievably long but lastly I just wanna say that I know for sure they were called in the next day after kissing in the lift for a meeting with hr

1) do not apologize ever . actually u should send me more of these i need to read all of them ur thoughts are like tasty treats for my brain

2) honestly i thought i had nothing to add but actually i remembered a detail ive seen literally no one talk about that makes me so insane . so u remember how tsuge mentions that minato heard from rokkaku about krdc being off at work and thats why tsuge came to talk to adachi and ultimately gave him the push to go see kurosawa. Like?? rokkaku being that worried about his seniors who he cares about So Much is the One Single Reason krdc even met again that day .???? and then him and fujisaki doing their own fireworks show just to maybe make "someone feel happier" ouughghfgghhh ,, ,. rokkaku ultimate protector of the gays i love he.........

3) also tiny detail during the bit where adachi says he regrets it and hes being all self-deprecating and u can See kurosawa shaking his head not wanting adachi to talk about himself like that. whhwt .. why. who thought. w. hey ?? did they think about me?????? when they wrote that????????? Huh??????????????????????

4) why would u remind me of the head cradle i feel sick i .. i have to watch the scene 10 times again excuse me

5) again. the fact that kurosawa considered an Actual Miracle that adachi would show up and probably believed it wouldnt happen but he bought the pens anyway . and he knew adachi would be too embarrassed about rings. head in hands i cannot , fucking do this this show makes me so Unwell!!!!! Its Fucked UP !!!!!!!!!

[tarncore]

03/12/2024

What is Fashion and Personal style?

Many people tell me that I have a distinct personal style, my own aesthetic. Some have gone ahead and called it “Tarncore,” a name that, I myself have taken fancy to. There are specific items, colours, etc, that are consensually associated with me. I’m not sure how this phenomenon came to be, yet these aspects of my personal style have come to define me in a way.

Now what exactly is style though? I feel like fashion taste is something that can be developed overtime, however, style is something that comes from within (this isn’t based on research just my opinion). Anyone can spend hours on extensive Pinterest boards and figure out how to cultivate for a certain aesthetic, but style comes from within. It’s not about what you wear, but how you wear it. The outfits and accessories that I use, although are pleasing, are not inherently unique and are mostly consumerism at its finest. But I make it look good with my confidence. I do not doubt that there are people who are far more fashionable than me, yet they are unrecognised as they lack this untouchable aura that I possess. Maybe I am just glazing myself right now, but my behaviour is out of the norm and can even be off setting. I DON’T MEAN IT SAY IM QUIRKY OR DIFFERENT. I am just like other girls, and other girls are great.

But the whole idea of wanting to appear different, is there anything wrong with being basic? I feel like at this point, being basic is thrown as an insult. Like if your basic, what’s wrong with that, that’s how YOU feel comfortable presenting. The way I show myself displays my voice and my opinions. I fight oppression subtly through hairclips and eyeliner. I LOVE bold bombshell type eyeliner oh my gosh. Note, when I am speaking of oppression I don’t mean sexism, racism, etc. I mean the suffocating culture that society forces us into. “Birds born in a cage flying is an illness” - Alejandro Jodorowsky

They say makeup is a form of oppression, telling women that they’re not beautiful and then monopolising on their insecurities. Although, this is very true for most of the industry, I also believe the makeup is empowering. I, as stated before, LOVE EYELINER and don’t get me started on kajal/eye pencils for a dark waterline. I am not insecure about my eyes in any way, in fact I think my eyes are one of the most beautiful parts of my face. But when I wear makeup, I don’t do it to cover up my flaws, I do it to show my disregard of the societal expectations of women in a subtle way. This bold look makes me feel confident and like myself, I feel like I am a person rather than a woman which is what I crave at my very core, to be seen not as my body but as my mind. I have been told I look “emo” and that I would look better if I wore brown eyeliner instead for a more natural look. Personally, I don’t want a natural look, stick that brown eyeliner up your ass! I don’t want to look good for other people, other people will never see me the way I see myself, so I might as well see me the way I see myself. I will not make myself an object for your gaze. I know I’m hot as fuck, I don’t care if others don’t see that, at the end of the day I am living my best life while they are wallowing LOL.

The statement “I know I’m hot as fuck” I know most people will not receive it well. It will seem ignorant and condescending, and personally I don’t really care. Being humble is supposed to be a virtue or whatever. So, I am just supposed wait for others to recognise my awesome qualities? Other people are worried about themselves, ain’t no one got time to recognise my greatness and honestly, I don’t want to rely on external validation, if there is something spectacular about me, I will state it with pride. I remember a couple years ago when I was drawing and a friend said to me “I didn’t know you were an artist” and I replied with “I’m not, I’m just drawing.” I was so afraid to recognise my own skill, I couldn’t even call myself an artist because I was afraid my art wasn’t good enough, scared I wasn’t good enough. It's such a frowned upon thing to be confident in your own ability, but in reality, there's nothing wrong with it. If I can appreciate others and their talents, why are my own not worthy of recognition?

[umichenginabroad]

Week 6 and 7: Actually Studying while Abroad

Well we have made it to the end of my study abroad in Iceland. Final exams are finished. Projects are turned in and presented. Overall all of the academic things are taken care of and completed. It kind of feels nice to be done with the academics and to have actually completed the studying part of being abroad. 

The primary reason why I haven’t talked about this in any of the other posts is that it’s the least interesting part of being in a study abroad program. Why would I talk about sitting in a classroom for hours a day when I could be talking about me exploring the amazing nature and environment that is in Iceland. I honestly feel that while I have had some really interesting conversations with the professors while abroad and it’s been an amazing experience being able to study abroad at a different university, I still think it’s been the least important part of being abroad for me personally (although the credits are nice). Just a warning there’s going to be a lot less pictures here then usual.

Class 1: Environmental Science Study

When the program was advertised to us originally we were told that we would be having 2 classes from 9 am to 4 am with an hour lunch break in between. But, it turns out that if no one shows up for class at 9 am and everyone kind of unanimously (including the professor) agrees that class should start at 10 then class starts at 10. This class was our first class of the day and was from 10 am to 12 pm Monday through Thursday. 

The course consisted of a few main topics that were discussed which is what makes it kind of hard to discuss so I’m going to be providing a brief overview of each of the core topics that we discussed. In addition to the varying topics that were discussed, we also had 3 separate professors for this class which each focused on different topics during their week of lecture. So we were able to get a surface level understanding of a few different topics, but not an in-depth understanding of any of them. 

The first week was spent on discussing Icelandic history. We started with the formation of the nation and volcanic movement (which becomes important later). Then we progressed through all the different sagas and time periods of Icelandic history. From the early settlement all the way to modern history of Iceland and their independence. 

Next was our first bit of technical environmental studying in which the previously mentioned formation of Iceland becomes relevant. We started to discuss geothermal power and the methods by which it is harnessed and utilized. But to do this you need to have a fundamental understanding of thermodynamics so we were also getting a lot of thermodynamics lectures and knowledge during this time. So although the thermodynamics aspects weren’t that interesting, the actual geothermal things were quite interesting. The way that Iceland utilizes every single aspect of the heat that they harness from the ground and transfer it around the country to power a magnitude of different industries is amazing.

Now more than just geothermal energy our next two topics discussed (i’m going to lump these together) are hydro and wind power. These are both very similar and that’s why I’m going to put them together. Basically these both utilize a moving fluid to turn a turbine to generate mechanical energy which gets converted into electrical energy. However what is different is the fluid they use (water vs air). Iceland has a lot of hydro power but not quite as much wind power generation.

The last form of power generation that we focused on was nuclear power and just in general power generation and politics throughout europe. The reason being is that when a nation has excess power they can sell it to other nations for profit. Iceland being a nation that has a lot of power that they don’t need is able to do this. We primarily discussed here though how Nuclear is currently one of the best sources of energy generation, especially considering how clean it is. We then also made fun of German politics in their extreme hatred of nuclear energy and their reliance on natural gas (and how that has backfired on them recently). 

The last week however of this course was the worst week out of all of them. We were given full freedom to create a project about whatever we wanted in regards to general climate improvement. My main complaint about this project is that the guidelines were extremely vague. We worked on these projects in teams and there were 3 main groups. The first focused on nuclear power and the conversion of coal into nuclear power. The second group focused on different power generations and ways to improve Michigan. Our group however, was the black sheep. We did trains. We did an entire project detailing and focusing on creating a high-speed rail between Los Angeles and San Francisco. 

The project consisted of two parts, a presentation and a “short” report. The presentation was a 20 minute presentation followed by a Q and A. I don’t think a single group went under 20 minutes and one group was like 40 minutes so not having enough content was not an issue to say the least. The “short” report was a 10 page report where you more formally report your findings and discuss them. For our group, I think the issue arrived at the fact that we technically didn’t create our plan and instead focused on logistically explaining and expanding on an existing plan by California. In addition, our project used the least of the things that we learned in class relative to the other groups. But, we had 4 full days in class where they could have told us that we should do a different topic instead. We ended up getting some kinda harsh feedback about our project and that at least is my theory as to why it happened. 

Overall though, this class was really interesting. Disregarding the final, the rest of the class was actually quite enjoyable and the professors were amazing. Every class we would take a short coffee break in the middle (more on that later) and we would just talk to the professors and stuff. In fact one of the professors used to be at UofM which is just amazing. The content, while difficult to understand given the technicality of the material, when explained in terms of its practical application was really interesting. 

Class 2: Introductory Data Structures (EECS 280)

Now the class that you all actually care about. The reason I say that is because if you are wanting to take this study abroad for yourself then there are two possible reasons. You either a) want to visit Iceland and this is a good excuse to or b) you need EECS 280 and this will get you that credit. For me, I fall into both categories so I get double value out of this program.

For this class I’m going to be focusing less on the content, mostly because if you want that you can just look at the EECS 280 syllabus which is publicly available, and instead focus on the way the course is taught. I think that is a much better and more meaningful way to go about it and I’m just wanting to say the content is pretty basic data structures. We focused on things like pointers and utilizing heap memory and abstract data classes. 

The course was taught by two different professors who swapped each week. Both professors were extremely knowledgeable in CS and have their own CS based projects that they are developing. But, I will say that I think most people found that one of the professor's teaching styles worked a little better than the other one. Their teaching style is where the professors differentiated themselves the most.

Professor 1 primarily focused on utilizing code lectures. Basically he would walk us through actually what is happening in the code while programming it. That way we would be able to understand what each different aspect of the code is achieving (and its purpose) while learning how to program it in C++. 

Professor 2 utilized concept based lectures. Rather than going straight into coding he would first try and explain the things from a pseudocode perspective to help you understand the logic. Then he would go into the coding and provide some very basic starting code and things for you to further develop and work off of. 

Both professors then gave lab time for you to work in class on your code and for them to be present to help you with it if you need it. So essentially the way a normal day in class would go is that we would get back from our lunch break at 1 pm and then have about an hour lecture or go straight into lab time  and then code until 4 pm or until you finished. The professors were extremely helpful when it would come to any coding questions and especially were helpful with debugging tiny issues. So there was plenty of help available and resources that we could utilize. In addition if you did need additional help, we had access to old video lectures to further aid you. 

Moving on is how the class was actually set up and what we were doing for our grade. The course was divided up into 6 lab assignments, 4 assignments, and 2 exams. Each of the exams were worth 20%, the assignments 10%, and the labs 4% (Lab 6 was not counted for a grade for some reason). 

The exams were a 3 hour exam with both a paper and digital portion. For the paper portion we were given both multiple choice and short answer questions about code. Then we had to hand write out some code. So far that is pretty standard for an EECS exam. But, we also had a fairly large digital code section where we wrote actual code. We were given a large amount of starter code, had full access to our previous labs, and we were allowed to utilize existing form posts (not allowed to post any new questions) to try and solve the problem at hand. These questions were generally more difficult and specific implementations of things that we had done in class and forced you to rethink how to solve the problem when compared to what we had done in labs or the assignments. 

I really liked this method of examination and wished that it was what the EECS department did for their coding exams. It allows for much more difficult questions to be asked without punishing the student for not memorizing syntax or other niche little things. In the real world most programmers don’t know every little thing. In fact, our professors did look things up on websites such as Stack Exchange when they forgot how certain things in C++ worked. The reason being is, that is how the industry works at the moment. You programm what you know, but when you need a specific implementation and you don’t know, then you ask someone who has probably done it faster and better than you have. It is important to understand why their method works, but you don’t need to know every little bit of C++ and its syntax to succeed in programming.

The personal assignments and labs were fairly similar and were basically just coding projects. We were given a series of different things to implement and create the functionality for and then given time to do so. The content isn’t anything too crazy, but it was interesting at some points. For instance, our first lab was probably the one that took the most time and effort, but it was the most fun I had and is not something that EECS 280 normally does. We coded Space Invaders in the terminal. The reason being is that coding something like that teaches you a lot of very important things and helps refresh a lot of basic C++ knowledge that you need for the rest of the course. There are also a lot of different ways to handle creating the game and a series of extensions that you can add onto the game for bonus points. I think that is an amazing way to open the course up. It gets the students interested in the course by allowing them to create something enjoyable and something where they can see their progress and where they have a rough idea of what the end product should look like. I do think it makes for a fantastic project and really made me interested in the rest of the course.

In the end the C++ course was quite fun. It had its moments of difficulty, but overall was not that bad. It was a significantly smoother experience than what I’ve heard people at UofM complain about their EECS 280 experience. I was able to learn most of the same content, in a different framework, in a shorter time span, and still be in a position where the university accepts this as an equivalent. I am slightly worried that I am doing EECS 281 (Data Structures) next semester but I am going to go to a lot of office hours and all of my lab hours so I should be fine. 

Class 3: Lunch and COFFEE Break

Okay this isn’t technically a class but I still feel it’s important to talk about. Every day of class (Monday through Thursday) we would have an hour-long lunch break from 12-1pm. For the first few weeks this was pretty chill because if you were hungry or didn’t bring lunch you could just go and get lunch from the university. The Reykjavik University lunch service is pretty small but it did taste good and is reasonably priced. However in the last few weeks because I think normal classes at RU were over, the lunch service stopped. So, you had to bring lunch for those weeks and so I often just resorted to a solid salami sandwich with cucumber slices and a side of grapes. While not the most luxurious lunch it was filling and tasted pretty good. 

Now onward to the COFFEE break part of this. In Iceland (and most of Europe) they take coffee and similar beverages very seriously. In Reykjavik University, in every single wing of the building you can find a machine for a variety of different coffee, hot chocolate, and tea. These machines are free of charge to use and are professional grade machines. You just take a cup (or use your own) and select what you want and are good to go. There’s sugar and stuff there for you too if you want it. So all of that resources that you would need are there and all the different hot beverages are available.

Thus, every single class I would start with a cup of hot cocoa. Then half way through class 1 I would go and get another cup of hot cocoa during our coffee break. Then during lunch I would take the time and make myself a nice cup of tea with my lunch. Then I would get a cup of hot cocoa or 2 during programming. If I was staying late at the university (for personal or academic reasons) I would be drinking hot coco constantly. I think my record for a single day might be 8-10 cups of hot cocoa, it might be more but that is my conservative estimate as to how much I drank. 

Picture of coco in class

These breaks were honestly essential. They provided a time to just let the data that you receive process and to take yourself out of the monotony of the classroom. I honestly wish this was something that we had at UofM. I would love to be able to just have hot coco with me in class and for long classes to have a coffee break. Sadly that is not the reality that we currently live in. Although, some classes at UofM do take short breaks midway through lecture to help let the data settle in (EECS 203 and CSP Math 116 for example). 

Yea but that is all there is to it. I just summarized the entire studying part of studying abroad in one post. Now keep in mind that I had the studying part required very little out of class effort. I was able to do all of the other things that I have talked about previously, and am taking a summer course at Washtenaw Community College all while doing this course. So if you are worried about the time commitment of studying while abroad ruining the abroad experience don’t be. You will have plenty of time and opportunities to explore and enjoy yourself while abroad, studying is just the excuse to get you there.

Class 4: THE FUN PART

Now this is my favorite class. I feel that this fits best in a sort of elementary school recess type of description, or in other words free time. I am currently writing this blog post while I’m on my plane ride back home to Michigan and so there’s a lot of things going through my mind. But, there are still so many things that I haven’t talked about (and one final reflection post after this one) and so I’m going to “quickly” summarize some of these so as to not make this post as long as the last one.

 

SNORKELING WOO:

We snorkeled.

That’s it.

Ok just kidding there’s more to this than just that. A few of us went snorkeling at Silfra, the gap between the tectonic plates. This is a crack in the earth filled with glacial water which is so clean and clear. When you look at the water you can just see all the way down because there’s no minerals that are making the water foggy. 

After the really long drive all the way over to Silfra we then had the fun process of taking off our shoes and getting into first a warm suit and then our dry suit. The dry suit is essential because we are going to be snorkeling and you want to stay dry. The warm suit is important because the water is about 38 degrees Fahrenheit and so it’s really cold water (nearly freezing). The process of getting into a dry suit is a bit of a long one but essentially it’s just like putting on really big and tight pants. 

Picture of us just before going into the water

Because of the way that the people and grouping worked out I was paired off with a different group. I actually ended up being paired with a family of 5 as the only one not of their family although they were really nice and made me feel totally welcome. The father was actually really helpful and was constantly making sure that I was okay and that was really reassuring. 

Picture of me in the water totally not struggling

Once we got in the water I immediately ran into some issues. I have never snorkeled before and so I was struggling to use the snorkel and so our guide had to go and get me a different one which worked significantly better. One thing to note is the way that these dry suits work. Every part of us other than our face and our hands stay dry. Your face for obvious reasons is that you need it to be open so you can breathe and see, but the hands are a bit more complicated. Essentially the hands are open to let water into them, but the water gets trapped in and so as long as you don’t move your hands around the water will heat up and it’s not bad. However, this means that you have to swim soly with your legs and can’t use your hands unless you want to freeze them. To say the least, that was a struggle. My hands were freezing by the end of the trip. 

This is a picture of some of the beautiful geography present at Silfra

As we swam through Silfra we were subject to all the amazing geography and its beauty. This is in the location between two tectonic plates and it often expands (very slowly). But, because the water present is glacial water it is extremely pure and fresh water. Thus you can see all the way down. Therefore even though we were just sitting on top of the water floating we could still see everything all the way down. It is truly indescribable how beautiful it all is, but the best word I could use to describe is vibrant. There are so many different colors and things present and they all have such vibrant colors and look to them.

After the snorkeling we were given hot cocoa and biscuits. I ate like 7 biscuits because I was hungry and needed them and they were good. I have no regrets. 

Picture of me in my dry suit and Fenrir laughing at me

Lava, Waterfalls, and Puffins:

As our last API (the program) trip this had to be amazing and oh boy did it far surpass my expectations. This was the trip that we were told about before coming and that they told us was amazing and it was so much better than I could have dreamt about. This was our waterfall and nature trip.

The trip started as always with a 2 hour long bus ride but that was well worth it once we arrived at our location on the southern coast. Our first stop was at a lava museum. This is a massive building where they have exhibits showcasing different types of volcanoes, how they form, and the history of volcanoes in Iceland. They have diagrams showing past eruptions in Iceland and how bad they were as well as how long they lasted. This place was really cool in that it also had lots of sculptures and fixtures that are magma related and it was really cool to get to see them all. We then watched a short video about eruptions and it was cool to get to see the pretty videos of lava flowing (I just wish I could have been the one in those videos that is that close to the lava).

Now that the good boi has returned to Iceland he has come along and is marveling at the lava sculpture.

After that was to the moment that we were all waiting for: the waterfalls. After our short lunch break pit stop (more later) we arrived at the waterfalls, and oh my they were beautiful. There are two main waterfalls and I’m going to talk about them both in detail because they both deserve that much respect. 

The first waterfall we arrived at the base of and it was for good reason. Obviously like any waterfall it starts from a high place and goes down, but we were at the bottom. More than that, there is a crevasse that allows you to get up close and personal with the waterfall. So, after some careful maneuvering between rocks and taking liberal use of my waterproof shoes we were able to make it to the foot of the waterfall. Let me just say that the feeling of all the water dripping on you is amazing. Once at the base, there is a large rock that you can climb on to get a better vantage point, which also makes for a really good picture location. I’ll just let the pictures do the talking

Picture of our entire group of students at the waterfall. 

JO JO, GOLDEN WIND. MY POWER HAS REACHED NEW HEIGHTS, FEAR ME

A close up of my power

After that magnificent picture and fantastic waterfall we made our way to the other waterfall. This waterfall is similar in that you get right up close to the waterfall. But, with this waterfall you actually go underneath the waterfall for a bit, thus it’s really important to time your run very carefully to not get wet and to not trip. This one was just amazing in that you get to go behind the waterfall and through it. It was also much larger than the other one and you can get much closer to it on the ground in that the foot has a small little sand bay you can get to from atop the ledge behind it. This waterfall was also fantastic but in it’s own way.

The Jojo pose is too powerful, my hair cannot contain its pure strength.

After that fun at the waterfall we ended up making an unexpected stop at the black sand beaches. These are really cool in that they have black sand. That’s about all. Oh and they have waves that can suddenly come very far up on the beach called snatcher waves that are deadly and dangerous. But yeah, pretty standard stuff going on. 

Snatcher Wave

After that was the moment that everyone has wanted since we landed in Iceland, PUFFIN TIME. This was also an unexpected stop but a very happy stop. Christopher, OUR AMAZING GUIDE, realized that there was a chance that we could see puffins if we stopped at a specific spot on our way back. After this short drive to our destination we saw them, PUFFINS!!! THEY ARE SO CUTE!!!! I love puffins, they are just little dudes chilling and wanting to live their best lives. They don’t have to worry about taxes or other business they just get to sleep and chill and I love it. They also look so cute and fluffy.

Picture of two puffins just chilling (courtesy of another student(don’t wanna dox them))

Then it was just another drive back to our apartments and sleeping time.

A Lagoon that is Blue:

Now this title might seem complicated but what it refers to is the Blue Lagoon. The Blue Lagoon is a man-made lagoon that was created originally just as a result of dumping used geothermal waste water back on top of the reservoir as eventually it will go back into the ground and be reusable. Some people realized that they could turn this into a tourist attraction due to the high amount of silica in the water, which is beneficial for your skin. So they turned into a resort called the Blue Lagoon. This was where I decided to go for a day and spent way too much money to get into it, but it was so worth it. 

After missing my bus pickup from our apartment, I had to run to take the city bus to the bus hub and then run to my bus. Once I safely made it to the bus I had a 45 minute bus ride to the lagoon where I just relaxed and read some stuff. Once arriving at the lagoon was where the fun started.

I decided to pay an extra $20 (more or less) to get premium access to the lagoon. What this came with was a bathrobe that I could use, 3 mud masks, and 2 free drinks included with my purchase. The bathrobe comes in handy because, just like any pool in Iceland, you have to take a naked shower before getting into the water. After that being as awkward as always. I was into the water. 

The water was so murky and gray, all from the minerals in the water. The water was also a really nice 38 degrees celsius (100.4 fahrenheit). I just started off by chilling in the lagoon and then I decided to go do the mud masks. The first mud mask is a volcanic ash mask which was really thick. I rubbed it all over my face and let is sit for 5 minutes before washing it off thoroughly. Then I did the second mask which was an algae mud mask and was really nice. This one you had to let sit on your face for a good 15 minutes. So for this one I started exploring around the lagoon and found out where the drink bar was so I could get my free drink later. After that I washed this mask off as well and then decided to go get my first drink before getting the next mask. I got a blue slushie and it was amazing. Very easily an 8.5/10 and a solid choice that I recommend. Then I did the last mask which for me was a moisturizer, but they do have an anti-aging cream for if you are older. After all that I decided to take a little break from the water (it is hot) and I got my second slush and ate my lunch I brought with me. 

Me relaxing with my second slush outside of the lagoon

Once I got back into the water I just spent the next hour exploring and relaxing in it. I found some really nice nooks that I could just lay back in the water and they were pretty quiet. I had a really good time and was just able to recuperate a lot of my mental strength (I went here after having finished finals). It was a good way to celebrate being done and it was also just a nice way to unwind before heading back home and all the complications that would entail. I honestly do recommend coming to the lagoon if you have the ability to (or at least one of the lagoons), it was really nice. I did however have to wash my hair like 3 times afterwards to get all the minerals and gunk out of my hair and put so much conditioner just to get my hair back in a liveable state again but it was so worth it.

Me and Fenrir after leaving the lagoon and getting ready to head back home

There were some more things that happened before I left and went back home, but nothing quite this important and this post is already long enough.

ALEX’S FINAL FOOD CORNER

This will be the finale of Alex’s Food Corner. I am going to include a summary of some of the top hits in my reflection blog post but these were some of my last meals in Iceland and I went all out in terms of going out to eat so these are some good meals. 

Sandholt Grilled Cheese and Tea

Ok so I do have to preface with saying I am minorly lactose intolerant and I haven’t really eaten grilled cheese too many times before. But honestly, this was a really good grilled cheese. It was really cheese and the fresh sourdough bread was really good. The cheese was stringy and there was a lot of cheese. I can pretty safely give this a solid 8/10. It does lose some points for there just being a bit too much cheese. The tea I’m going to rate separately because I ended up getting the tea multiple times because it was that good (I went to Sandholt for breakfast a few times). The tea is some English Breakfast but it is really good. I have to give the tea a solid 8.5/10. It is a well balanced blend and you get a good amount of it for the price you pay.

Just Winging It Chicken and Fries

This was some chicken and fries from a restaurant. I got Louisiana butter and Garlic chicken topped with Parmesan cheese. These were honestly really good and were some of the best chicken I’d had in Iceland.The fries were nothing to scoff at either, they were also really good. Honestly a very solid meal and it went really well with ketchup too. I have to give it a 9/10, I ate the entire thing there.

Final Dinner Steak

For our final dinner we were given an API paid for dinner. We went to a fancy restaurant and had a bunch of little plates given to us. These plates were then shared with the person across from you. I’m going to go a bit out of order in the way the plates arrived, just because I want to focus on the stuff I like first. This steak was delicious and the potatoes with it were fantastic. Easily 8.5/10. 

Final Dinner Fish

This was a fish ( I think cod) served with our final dinner. I don’t like fish and I tried some and nearly gagged and almost threw it up. However I just don’t like fish. Others said it tasted really good. So I have to give it a 1.5/10 however others liked it so overall probably closer it a 6.5/10 just considering others opinions. 

Final Dinner Risotto

I’ve never had Risotto before and honestly this was really good. I actually ate my half and really enjoyed it. Risotto is really good and honestly I can see myself trying to make it again. A very solid 7.5/10.

Final Dinner Braised Salmon

This was salmon that was “cooked” by being left in some stuff that cooks it. But, it is pretty much raw salmon. I was able to make it through more of this, mostly because of the bread. I still didn’t like it and the popular opinion of this one wasn’t as great. So my rating would be a 2/10, but the overall with go up to a 5.5/10. 

The Group at our Final Dinner

Sandholt Bacon Sandwich

Ok technically they serve this as a BLT with avocado sauce. But, I don’t really care of avocado or tomatoes so I just got it as a BL sandwich. The fresh bread with the bacon and crispy lettuce go so hard and the tea just helps all the flavors blend really well. I had to give this a 9/10. It was some of the best food I had in Iceland and for breakfast it really did help to get my day started. In fact, this was the meal that I got for breakfast on my last day in Iceland. 

Ban Thai Chicken Noodles

Next to our apartment is a REALLY good Thai restaurant called Ban Thai. I would be doing everyone in our group an injustice if I didn’t talk about this restaurant because it was amazing. The servers were kind and the food was fantastic. More than that they also have a massive menu of over 150 different items. This was some butter noodles and chicken (with a spice level of 2) and it was really good. I have to give it an 8.5/10. 

Fenrir’s Kid’s meal

This was our lunch stop on the day of the waterfalls. Fenrir decided to get a kids meal, because it was cheaper, and it was really good. The chicken was really crispy and fresh and the fries were also really good. The only complaint he gave was that they forgot the kid’s toy they said was included. Thus for that I have to knock it down to only an 7.5/10.

Sahara Combo Tray

Ok this is kind of cheating. This was my first meal once I landed off the plane back home in DTW. We went to a middle eastern restaurant and got a combo tray. It was really good and after that long flight and not having had any good food for all that time (plus at the airport) this was a nice meal. A very solid 8.5/10. However, I do have to dock it a bit for not being in Iceland so we will say 7/10.

P.S. I know that this post is really late. I ended up getting really sick once I got home and was pretty much bedridden for a week. I will be releasing my post in reflection of Iceland as a whole later, but I hope that this is enough for now. Thank you for being understanding.��

Alex Shamoun

Robotics

Engineering in Reykjavik

[glorioustidalwavedefendor]

@jupitermelichios

I am sorry it took so long to answer, wen your answer is always so quick.

My head didn‘t work last week … and you take so much care to answer, that I really want to give it my full attention <3

It is really fun to read your answer :-)

And very interesting.

I want to take my time with it and really enjoy it :-)

And I am honestly sad that I don‘t really have any more big questions … just some tying up of loose ends :-(

SO no more reason to tell me anything … :-(

Btw. I totally understand if you don’t answer anymore … my answer is shamefully over due

Thank you for your time and have a great day/week <3

„I don't mind at all 😊 Glad to put my theology degree to actual use for once!“

I thought you might have studied something like theology … or history with a heavy emphasize on religious history

You talk so effortless about all these very densely packed infirmations

„incidentally, Mary's invasion was called the glorious revolution, a name which is referenced in pratchett's night watch!“

OMG!

I did not know that either

There are so many little nods and jokes that are completely wasted on my … because I just don‘t notice …

Do you have more of those?

“This has improved over time as Anglicanism has grown increasingly into its own identity, but there’s a reason the church is haemorrhaging members right now when more extreme protestant sects are growing, and (imo) a lot of it is that aspect of compromise.”

That is super ironic … considering that the bible says:

So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

(This is like the only bible quote I actually know XD and I still had to google it XD)

Like, you know ...they, of all people, should have kind a seen that one coming …

Levellers

I assume the Levellers fall under the general umbrella of protestant?

Or at least they do NOT fall under the general umbrella of high church an catholicism?

I tried to do my own research … but then google gave me words like antinomian and I got scared … ;-) XD

“at the same time as the church is trying to emphasise its unique qualities, the aristocracy are also trying to emphasise their own wealth and power because they’re genuinely terrified they’re going to be overthrown but also they’re all morons, so instead of compromising with the reformers (that does happen a little, with some parliamentary reforms, but not significantly) they think any compromise will be seen as a sign of weakness and instead get real into fancy art and architecture. (Disappointingly, this does kind of work, at least for a while)”

I am not sure I am more angry about the fact that:

the aristocracies answer to: can we please have some fair wages, equal rights and all in all better living conditions

Was to go: Look how rich we are

Or that it worked …

Well maybe I should simply be happy that it isn‘t working this time around …

“for some reason british map makers always coloured empire countries pink”

How adorable … maybe it was just the cheapest color XD

gothic revival

O.K. so the gothic revival was kind a the straw that broke the camels back and drove people away … yeah that makes sense …

“sharing a single room with three other families working 12+ hour days and your kid lost an arm to machinery and you still can’t afford to eat”

The more things change the more they stay the same …

„Which isn’t to say it was a good life, it absolutely sucked in a lot of ways, but the lives of the newly urban poor arguably sucked a lot worse, and this time, there was someone they could blame that on.“

100% agree, not just food being more secure but also if you look at working hours they worked a lot less … I mean if you just take in to account that in winter there is not really that much to do in a farming community … like yeah … stables need to be mucked out … some harvest maintenance … and spinning/weaving … etc … and of course chores … but it is still the more relaxed part of the year …

But in the city?

The machines run year round 24/7 … they don’t care …

The Wee Free men

The Wee Free men being a play on the churches just completely blows my mind … I am still not over it …

Every time I remember it I have to stare in to space for a while … XD

I wonder how much more little nods just went right over my head …

Even L-space didn‘t tell me either of those two things (the glorious revolution and the Wee free men)…

“It had never occurred to me that them thinking they’re already dead might be a reference to the way Calvinists think a person’s life is basically just an extension of their afterlife, but you very well might be right, that's really cool!”

Thank you! <3

That happened by sheer accident XD

broken clock and all that XD

[madame-airlock]

I was tagged by @witchybitchybisexual

Hiiii! I am so sorry it's taken me forever to do this. I've been crazy busy with work and I've had very little time to answer. I hope it all make sense. Most of the answers were typed out while half asleep, throughout the week, and I may have gotten some episodes/seasons mixed up. Sorry and enjoy?

1. How did you find out about the show?

It was 7/8 years ago.

I'm pretty sure it was a gifset on Tumblr. I already knew Betty by fame so I knew this show would be good. If I remember correctly it was a gifset of the scene where Rose asks "do we have any orange juice left?" And Dorothy says "no we're all out" while pouring herself a glass of juice, followed by a bunch of comments about the show.

2. One storyline you’d eliminate?

It's been a while since I watched the show so I don't remember everything. I can't think of anything besides empty nest right now.

Either that or the one about Blanche's daughter's artificial insemination. I didn't enjoy that one that much.

It's not exactly a storyline, but I'd eliminate the amount of unnecessary comments both Rose and Dorothy got in the later seasons, for being dumb or ugly. I think they went a little too far.

3. Best guest star/character?

I have a soft spot for Jean and her episode 💜

4. Character you most relate to?

Rose, 100%. I'm not the brightest, like her, and I love animals.

5. Favourite character?

Blanche and Rose

6. Favourite story of a cast member?

As in, behind the scenes? The joke they played on the girls, where the photo albums had the crew's crazy photos in them (it's a Christmas episode, when Blanche gives the others calendars).

In the show? 72 hours, for the message it delivered.

7. Which was the episode that got you hooked?

There wasn't a specific one. I hit play and never stopped watching!

8. You could wear one girl’s wardrobe for the rest of your life, who would you pick?

Uhm, honestly? Nobody's 🙈

9. How many kids do you think they all actually had?

I lost count. Around 10-12 among the four of them? Maybe???

10. Do you think the actresses would’ve gotten along with their characters if they met in real life? Why/Why not?

I don't know much about Estelle and Rue to say it for certain, but I'd say yes, purely based on vibes.

11. What are your other comfort shows?

I'd say Nurse Jackie, but only the earlier seasons with O'Hara. I mostly have comfort movies, like the parent trap or the emperor's new groove.

12. Headcanons? (Feel free to list as many as you’d like)

And if I said Dorothy and Blanche secret bisexuals in love with each other? 🙈

If either of the girls is feeling down, the other two (minus Sophia) are probably ready to give her a cuddle and have an impromptu sleepover.

13. What would you change (if anything) about the show/ characters if it was set in the modern day?

Make Dorothy and Blanche girlfriends :D

14. Which other Fictional Characters would you like each one of the golden girls to meet?

I'm not sure tbh.

15. Who were your favourite duo?

Each pair had their moments, but I especially liked Rose and Dorothy or Rose and Blanche.

15. Who should’ve got more 1:1 screen time with each other?

Dorothy and Blanche, I think.

16. Calmest season?

I want to say the first one, maybe? I don't remember all the details

17. Most chaotic season?

Season 2, between Rose's love interests and the song contest, is definitely a crazy one. Although S7 had some solid episodes as well (sick and tired and the one about the murder mystery dinner)

18. Favorite Season?

Season 2 has most of my favourite episodes.

19. If the girls hadn’t had their established careers, what other ones could you picture them doing?

Rose: something with animals

Blanche: iirc she's a pretty good dancer, so maybe that?

Dorothy: I'd say a literature professor or something in academia

Sophia: maybe a cook?

20. Best aspects of the show in your opinion?

The way it tackled certain topics that are a taboo still to this day, and they mostly did it with care. Sure, not every joke has aged well, but most of them did! And even if there was conflict, it got solved. I'm thinking about Sophia's thoughts about Phil, for example, or the way Sophia and Rose acted in the AIDS scare episode.

21. (This question is for my fellow cheesecake lovers) favourite cheesecake flavour?

Plain with chocolate chips, with caramel sauce, with strawberry or raspberry sauce.

22. Storyline you wished they had expanded upon?

I know I've brought her name up way too many times already, but I'd have loved to see Jean coming back to the show in later episodes/seasons

23. Questions you’d ask the actresses?

Nothing comes to mind right now :/

24. Episode that brings you the most comfort?

The one with Jean.

25. Episode that made you laugh the hardest?

The Great Herring War

26. Which other work that the actresses did, did you enjoy the most?

I really enjoyed Hot in Cleveland. I tried watching TMTMS but I wasn't feeling it. I watched 3/4 seasons of Maude and I enjoyed it but not my favourite.

27. Best St Olaf Story?

Obviously the great herring war

28. Best slut story?

"what do you mean you had 56 boyfriends?"

29. Best Sicily story?

I'm not a big fan of those, I can't honestly remember any specific ones off the top of my head.

30. Which girl would you be most interested in seeing a prequel of? And at which point in their life?

Honestly? Neither. We have seen something about their past in the show. I think a full prequel would take away the key elements of the show. And, you'd find out which of their crazy stories are true and which aren't, when I prefer to keep it a mystery, if that makes sense.

[sakusakupanda9-blog]

Hi, this is Shasha (fake name) and I’m writing this because I want to die. It’s not my first time feeling like this but this one is pretty deep and bad. The purpose of this piece of writing is that I have written everything I want to say and tell people after I die so I can die anytime I want without needing to open up my laptop and type for hours.

For now two of the main reasons I wanna end all this are follows

I hate my mum

I am an ugly and awkward person

Let’s start with the first point. I hate my mum. This statement is pretty self explanatory but let’s elaborate on it. She is very selfish but she doesn’t realise it. She is super privileged but she does’t know that. And the biggest part is that she doesn’t know that she is a bad mother. She’s been hurting me mentally and physically since for ever. There was one time she threw shoes at me in the car after tennis lesson and threw fish eggs at me while I was practcing the piano. Anyways, that’s fine. I want to die because I just realised that I can never be happy. I’m a try-hard and trying to somehow somewhat succeed in my life but i realised that because of the scars and damage I got from my mum I can never be truly happy. I’ll probably still be traumatized from my childhood any days I spent with my mum no matter how old I become or how successful I become. While my mum who hasn’t done anything mothery in the past four years will be bragging about my success to grannies on golf courses. I don’t like that. I really don’t like that. My friend basically told me to suck it up and ignore it but I can’t. I’m not kind enough for that. 

So that was the background info and now I gotta star talking about why I want to kill myself today. It is because she is cudding and making weird noises and being like a 12 year-old slut who just got her first boyfriend in the livingroom next to my room. Plus I’m stressed about huge amount of school work that I need to complete and get well in. It might seem like not much but it is for me. I thought it will be over when she broke up with the last boyfriend that looked like a goblin but she got herself another one in a week. She also say bad thing about me to her bf  probably subconsciously just to agree with him and make herself look good and I can’t forgive that. Because that 12 year-old girl is supposed to be my mum. Thus, I wanna kill myself :)

Next point is that I am an ugly and awkward person. Honestly if I lose 7kg and exercise more, I think I’ll be decent but I can never do that. Some people have tiny face with pretty eyes and long straight legs and clear skin but I don’t have any of that. While I think that if I’m confident in myself in some aspects other than my looks I wouldn’t care about how I look but I don’t have anything I can be confident about so this is the easiest target. If I was prettier my would have been so much better. It’s not that I want attention from boys (well…sort of but no) but I just wanna be confident that’s it. I wanna be confident in myself. That leads me to the other point, I’m awkward. It’s all because I’m not confident in myself. It’s not because of my english skill, I can say or write anything I want in English and I’m also awkward in Japanese. I hate it. I feel like I’m being judged but I feel that way only because I’m hating and judging myself. People actually don’t give a crap about me. Fully knowing all this, I’m so awkward and that’s why I can make any friends. I have friends but they are so nice that they will be friends with any not-mean person. It doesn’t have to be me. But I can’t make friends with anyone else because again, I’m an awkward person. Everyone at school is nice. They are so nice. But because I’m awkward we just end up being friend-ly to eachother and never become an actual friend. I wish I had an ability to hop in to any friend group and make friends anywhere. All I need is the confidence. And for that, I need to look good which is impossible. Also not only looking good, you kinda have to act cooooool and chill if I wanna be popular but I don’t wish for everything. Being pretty and nerdy will be more than enough.

I think all of the people I’m close with (that being two or 3 people) thinks that I’m smart and strong enough to not kill myself. Well, they are wrong. wrong wrong wrong. The truth is that I’m weak and dumb more than enought to decide to kill meself. Being one of the oldes in my year, I’m good at pretending strong and independent i guess but now, I can’t pretend anymore. If people think I’m stupid so be it, I’m tired of pretending anyways. another thing is that I’m good at shuting down on people who are trying to help me. well, if I be completely honest and subjective, it’s all because people actually don’t give a shit about my feelings or my existance. They are just simply too busy.  Although I really really wanna blame it on them, I don’t. Because they have their life and their life continues even without me. They have their problems and craps to handle and it is not their job to handle mine. Valid, I wanna die because I can’t deal with my crap, same thing. It’s just that I’m over my capacity and can’t take it anymore. Exactly like people developing random allergies to things. You are fine first but as you continue to be exposed to it, you get the allergy! So now I’m allergic to living hahahahaha I’m so funny. Now that I’m thinking of posting this somewhere as I’m writing this, I can tell that I’m conscious of how people would think reading this and I don’t like that. I dont write or speak like this at all.

After all this, the truth is that I hope one day I can delete all this and live a life where I’m surrounded by loved ones and love myself but for now this is me. The only thing that is stopping me from unaliving myself is that I don’t know how to kill a human. Unfortunately (at least for me), human bodies are tougher than we think, in my opinion. So I can’t just die!! (crying emoji) 

This is my first time writing a long piece of writing without using any translator or even Grammarly. Who ever reading this, have a lovely life!

[thewhiteroseofvermilion]

Moving Forward

Hello everyone. It’s been a long time since I’ve last spoken to you all, and an even longer time since I’ve last updated this story. Over the months and years, my absence has saddened, frustrated, and even angered many of you. Despite my own valid feelings of how—to put it bluntly—I don’t owe any of you anything as this is something I do for free and in my own free time, I still recognize how it must feel for you all to see something you enjoy so much slowly lose momentum and eventually grind to a halt. Furthermore, my habit of making enthusiastic yet empty statements in between didn’t help either. 

As such, a proper and honest explanation is due, as anything less would be unkind. This will be lengthy, but please bear with me. 

For the past four years, it’s been increasingly difficult to find the time, energy, and motivation for me to properly sit down and write. Seemingly gone are the early days of this story’s life when I was able to publish a new chapter every month or so, or even every two weeks when I was at the top of my game in terms of activeness. Even though I had an immense workload due to being a double major in college, leading me to adopt the best work ethic I’ve ever had, I still led a sheltered lifestyle where I didn’t have to worry about the many looming, inevitable adult responsibilities that were ahead of me.

Those tranquil years of course came to an end when I graduated, and I soon felt immense pressure to shift my attention to finding work, living independently, and working on things that would further my career. While I received support as an aspiring writer from the majority of my family, those being my mother and sister, the both of them commented more frequently as time passed by that my “fanfiction” wasn’t something that I should be spending so much time on anymore. After all, it’s not like I could sell the work as my own, and the fact that despite fanfiction absolutely being a valid artform, it wasn’t something that the world of professional employers cared about. 

Nonetheless, when I did eventually find work as a film freelancer, I still tried to persevere and write on the side. My goal back then was to work in film in order to sustain my pursuit in writing. Film was something I went to school for, greatly enjoyed, and even saw a possible future career for myself in, but it was the writing aspect of it that I was truly after, that being primarily screenwriting. 

After two years of living at home, I felt the need to try and live independently as I outgrew my tiny room and my mom started dating a man that I didn’t particularly like. I knew it wasn’t financially smart of me to do so when my mom allowed me to live with her rent-free. But at the time I thought that it would help me to become more mature and productive, as I would have to force myself to work in order to put a roof over my head and food on the table—as opposed to living a sheltered life at home where everything was taken care of for me. Essentially, I was longing for the lifestyle I had in college, thinking that once I returned to it, I would be able to reacquire that once incredible work ethic I had. 

So, I became roommates with a friend from college and together we rented a townhouse together. Rent wasn’t terribly expensive, but it wasn’t cheap either. Regardless, I was able to make ends meet. My greatest challenge however, was to live up to my family’s spoken and unspoken expectations. On one hand, my mother was sweet and understanding, naturally giving me her full support. My father, on the other, always thought that it’d be better for me to pursue something safer and more lucrative, and to not risk being a starving artist. But the one I had to prove myself the most to was my older sister, who was wildly more successful than I was—financially and professionally. My pay compared to hers was like a drop in a bucket, and I felt both indirect and direct pressure from her to be more “professional” like her. Therefore, I threw myself into my work, which is when things slowly began to go downhill. 

As a film freelancer, my work hours usually averaged between 10-12 hours a day, and with my work taking me all over my home state of Maryland and even into neighboring Washington DC and Virginia, my commute time to and from work ranged anywhere from an additional 1-3 hours. It became incredibly common for me to wake up for work anywhere between 3-6 AM and not get home until 8-10 PM. 

Unbeknownst to me at the time, I slowly slipped into a routine where when I did have the “time” to write, I had zero energy or motivation as my work was so taxing. I reached the point where I had to drink two energy drinks with 300mg of caffeine to get myself to and from work. I saw less and less of my roommate and friends. I spent an alarming amount of money and gained weight from ordering take-out so often because I hadn’t the energy to cook for myself when I got home late from work. There would even be days when I fell into what felt like comas, sleeping up to two days straight at one point. My physical, mental, and emotional health was in serious decline. And yet I didn’t see it that way, as I had become obsessed with trying to prove to my family, my sister in particular, that I wasn’t a failure and that my pursuit of writing wasn’t a hopeless one.

During the first month of COVID-19′s outbreak last year, I finally had a much-needed vacation. This was undoubtedly the best time for me to have returned to writing—but I didn’t. At this point, so much time had passed since my last proper writing session that the few times I did try to write, I found myself completely unable to write anything. I was so out of practice and so out of touch with what I had written. This honestly frightened me, and I soon began to doubt if I could ever be able continue the story with the same quality that so many readers fell in love with. Regrettably, I fled from this revelation long enough for a full month to pass by, and I soon found myself busy with yet another distraction: unemployment. 

I was out of work for about 4.5 months, from the middle of March to the beginning of August. During this time, I had to rely on state unemployment, which earned me great scorn from my older sister. Our relationship had always been uneven since we were kids, but it was becoming increasingly toxic as of late since our college years. I felt so ashamed to tell her how much money I made in a year from my job as a film freelancer, and how I barely managed to move to a better position after four years of work. Riddled with guilt and disappointment in myself, when work became readily available again in August, I frantically threw myself back in harder than ever before. In the past where I had turned down the occasional job to give myself some time to relax or in order to make it to a social outing with friends, I now accepted every job thrown my way, only declining those that would make me double-book myself. I earned a lot of money during those months as a result, and I was so happy to finally distance myself from the stigma of being “unemployed.” However, I once again failed to see that I was yet again sliding back into the lifestyle that had been slowly poisoning me for the past two years. 

After essentially working non-stop from August to March, my body, mind, and soul soon returned right back to the brink of collapse. It wasn’t until then at my lowest point when I finally realized how I initially went from working to sustain myself in order to write, to not writing at all and only working to sustain myself to work even more. It was truly scary to see myself fall victim to a brutal cycle of unfulfilling work that could have trapped me for years to come if I hadn’t broken free first. That’s when I realized that my lifestyle was personally unsustainable, and that something had to change. 

Henceforth, I’ve made the difficult decisions to both transition out of film freelancing and to soon return home to live with my father. At the end of April, the homeowner of the townhouse my roommate and I had been living in for close to three years gave us our 30-days-notice to vacate, as they no longer wished to rent but to sell the property. As my roommate had been planning on finding a place of his own with his girlfriend for quite some time, we split amicably at the end of last month in May and I’ve since moved into a temporary apartment with a friend who has traveled back to Maryland for seasonal work. 

Regarding the change in my career, I’ve been looking into applying for writing positions for something that I’ve grown to enjoy over the past few years, which is to write reviews for media such as film, anime, and videogames. This of course is not what I truly want to do in life, but I think that because it actually involves writing, it would be both good practice in terms of practicing my writing and experience in terms of resume-building. Furthermore, a stable “9-5″ job as such would be good for me, I think, as it would introduce some desperately needed structure back into my life. Being a freelancer was definitely fun as I had the power to choose my own schedule, but it unfortunately fostered a lot of laziness and procrastination when I wasn’t completely burnt out. 

I’ve shared with you all this information, a great deal of it being very personal, in the hopes that it helps you better understand who I am as a person and what I’ve been going through these past four years. 

I understand that my word may be difficult to trust due to my history, but I sincerely wish to let you all know from the bottom of my heart that I do plan on continuing writing The White Rose of Vermilion until it’s completed. My fears and insecurities may have alienated me from that promise, but not once did I ever entertain the idea of fully dropping the story. And I promise you, I never will. It most likely will not further my career in any way, bring any revenue in, and will continue to consume a great deal of my precious free time—yet I still choose to pursue continuing it because I can’t see a future where I don’t finish it.

It is after all my most cherished project; the reason that I was able to truly find my calling as an aspiring writer, its success also ultimately being the proof to my mother that I had some skill as a budding writer, who then gave me her full blessings to pursue it as a career. But most important of all is that it’s the reason why I was able to experience first-hand one of the most important and beautiful discoveries in my entire life. That being the incredible phenomenon of how art is like a beacon—its bright light is powerful enough to reach out and inspire others to create art of their own. From Monty Oum to Nancy Phetchareune to myself, I was blessed enough to see readers create wonderful fanart to show me or tell me in a review that reading my story had inspired them to create something of their own.

I am officially leaving behind my prolonged hiatus and returning to working on The White Rose of Vermilion. While I am extremely hesitant to even estimate when the next chapter will be published, please know that I am genuinely trying to leave behind my habits of old and returning to a more consistent schedule. 

The White Rose of Vermilion will return in:

Arc II, Chapter Twenty-Seven: Stranger in the Night

[a-dumb-sarcastic-bisexual]

My thoughts about Raya and the Last Dragon because I want to talk about it so bad.

I did like the movie

It was a gorgeous movie like possibly the best Disney film when it comes to animation

With pretty compelling characters

God I adore Kelly Marie Tran’s voice acting

I did have some problems with the humor

Mostly Sisu it was very jarring to be in dystopian southeast Asia then hear about group projects

But for the most part, I think they did a pretty good job of balancing the humor with the most serious aspects

I brought my mama to see this movie and it was really sweet to see her eyes light up when she saw something familiar

She would just point at the foods and go “Look Satay, look Duran, look rambutan, look shrimp paste” as if she didn’t raise me on this food

Raya asking Namaari if she’s eaten is possibly the most Southeast Asian question I’ve ever heard

If you didn’t know this Southeast Asians really show their affection through food

At any and all gatherings we bring food

Food is a major part of our culture so its something I’m glad they got right

I really love Raya she’s such a thought-provoking character

And I love how she’s not the typical princess

Also, I don’t know about anyone else but her mindset is incredibly accurate to my family

The second I was out of the womb my family forced trust issues onto me

My mindset ever since I was little was “never trust anyone or anything new”

God I wish it were a tv show

Almost every single bad thing I have to say about it could have been fixed if it were a tv show

Obviously, I have other gripes with it like how it’s not even available to most of southeast Asia

And you cant really take multiple cultures and mash them together and go “boom representation!”

And I am sad that most of the voice actors weren’t even southeast Asian

The lack of southeast Asian voice actors paired with the smushed together cultures really made the representation feel very fake

Like “here’s you’re princess now you can stop complaining”

As someone of Southeast Asian descent, it kind of felt like a slap to the face

But back to my less heavy gripes with the movie

Making it a tv show really could have fleshed out the characters

I know we would have had to give up that gorgeous animation but I would have loved to see a more rough animation style if it meant more lively characters

Something a friend and I were talking about is all of their character development felt very rushed

Because here’s the thing Raya is an incredibly selfish character

During the entire movie, her main goal was to bring her father back

She really didn’t care about her people which was a really interesting thing to see because that almost never happens with royal characters

But anyway around the end of the movie when she was helping the people of Fang escape during the entire scene the only thing I could think was “but why tho?”

She was never given a scene before this where she could go “ah-ha! Maybe just maybe my father isn't the only person in the world that deserves to be saved!”

So when she was being the typical Disney heroine it felt very rushed and fake

Like she was only doing it because everyone else was

If these characters were given more screen time where they could spend time in the different lands and learn their stories then Raya’s journey could have had more dept

Like we could have seen it slowly go from “I want to bring my ba back” to “I want to bring this person back” and “I want this person to have their parent back” and “this family deserves to have these people back”

And so on and so on until she has a ten-page list of promises to people

I also think it would be interesting for her to lose some people she met and bonded with along the way

Obviously not from the main cast but maybe an ally she made through joint trauma

This would have made the end scene all the more heartwarming because all those people would be there for a reason

I don't think the found family lived up to their full potential

Because as cute as their dynamic was it felt very shallow at some parts

She had no reason to trust them and they never gave her a reason to and vise versa

So when they were all huddled together before turning to stone it kind of felt very shallow

Like don't get me wrong it was a sweet scene that made me tear up a bit

But could you imagine seeing them bond over the course of a season or two

We could have seen them fight side by side and help each other and make sacrifices for one another

And see them really grow into their roles of the older sister or the father or the little brother

Like I said it was a cute scene but it could have been so much more heartfelt

Another thing I want to point out is Raya and Namaari’s conflict

This was another thing that felt very rushed for me and something that could have been easily fixed if this was a show

Because here’s something that kind of bugged me Raya brought Namaari to see the dragon gem hours after meeting her

And yeah I know that she was 12 and she was trying to trust people because she wanted to help her father in his journey to make Kumandra a reality

But could you imagine how much more Namaari’s betrayal would hurt if she and Raya had bonded over the course of years

Like can you imagine watching Raya and Namaari grow up together to a point where they were inseparable

And then Namaari backstabs her and pulls the “in another world we could have been friends” line

I feel like that scene would have hurt so much more if they really knew each other

Another thing I would have liked to see is Raya through that six-year period

Just seeing her grow increasingly frustrated at not being able to find Sisu while also having an Aang and Zuko like bond with Namaari

Like year sure they fight and stuff but they also save each other from life or death situations

Because no matter what the other did they still care for each other

So if they decided to write them as lovers their relationship as a whole would have much more depth

Which honestly would have made the scene where she gives Namaari her gem piece more powerful

Because it kind of reaffirms what we all knew throughout the entire series that no matter what they say or do to each other they still to some extent trust one another

But in the movie again it felt really shallow I think my friend explained it best when she said it kind of felt like Raya was only trusting Namaari because Sisu told her to

There was no emotional backing there was no real reason to trust one another it just felt very rushed

Next, I wanna talk about Namaari

She’s one of my favorite things about this movie

Which is why it sucks that we don't get to see more of her

I think this movie did something really interesting by making the typical Disney princess Raya’s enemy for the majority of the movie

And what I mean by typical Disney Princess is she cares about her people to a fault

She did everything for her people she stole the gem because she thought it would help her people

She tried to stop Raya from collecting the gems because she didn't know her reasoning and she thought she might be a threat to her people

And she has such an interesting perspective of this story which I again really would have loved to see over the course of a season

I would have loved to see her watch Fang slowly fall apart and see her grow more desperate to save it

To a point where she would have to hurt Raya in the process even if she didn't want to

Because as she briefly mentioned Fang looks pretty but it has a lot of holes and I would have loved to see what she meant by that

Like how bad Fang truly was

Like I said most of my gripes about the movie were its pacing and how it would be so much better in a tv show format

But these are just my opinions y’all can love the movie or hate the movie

You can agree with me or not I’m just putting my opinions fully on display for all to see and judge

[procrastinatorproject]

Fic writer review, thank you to @thelaithlyworm  for the tag <3

how many works do you have on AO3?

Ten? Oh no, it’s actualy 12 now!

what’s your total AO3 word count?

86,468

how many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Grand total of 1: Star Trek: Picard - although my latest offering might branch a bit into other Trek as well.

what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

“Passengers”

“And a Barrel of Gagh”

“CMO’s Log”

“Preparations”

“Game Night”

Which is actually kinda interesting. I wrote Passengers, Preparations, and Game Night while the fandom was still a lot more active (especially in the Aramis in Space corner), so that makes sense. The CMO’s log has had chapters added every few months, giving it probably the most exposure of any of my fics. Barrel of Gagh, though? I think I’m gonna attribute that to Thimblerig turning it into a truly, TRULY brilliant piece of podfic. Also the fact that it’s whump involving a character played by Santiago Cabrera. ‘tis A Thing..... :D

do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I really try to! I love talking with people in the comments and just... thanking the people who found the time and energy to leave comments. But especially in the last few months I have gotten very bad at keeping up with the comments and now there’s about two dozen that I have neglected to reply to for a painfully long time 🙈

But I will get there! Because I love that kind of interaction!

what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

So far, none of them have had angsty endings. Angsty middles, yes, but not endings. I’m just a sucker for everyone being happy in the end. Or at least on the way to being better, and supported and cared for on that way.

do you write crossovers? if so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I haven’t yet, but I’m definitely not opposed. One of the threads of my 200k unpublishable whump scenes takes place in a continuity that has existed in my daydreams for... I wanna say six years at the very least, probably longer. It’s mostly straight-up Star Trek, but with the twist that it involves the Wraith, the telepathic, hive-minded alien race from Stargate: Atlantis that suck the life force out of you with their hands? Or, well, at least a variation thereof.

I once typed up the world building for that particular setting and it took me three hours to try and make it all make sense. So it’s... involved. But not necessarily “crazy”. And I’m not sure I’m ever actually going to publish any of the stories I have set in it (not least because that would envolve finishing any of them and bringing them into a form that is interesting to read for anyone but me...)

have you ever received hate on a fic?

Nope.

do you write smut? if so what kind?

Hm, not yet. I do enjoy reading smut, but only under very specific circumstances. I think I may eventually try my hand at smut, but the inner prude is still very strong. Writing about Rios and Xyr making out (which, honestly, was really tame, all things considered) made me melt in a puddle of blushing embarrassment, so full-on smut is probably beyond me at the moment. One day!

have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. Though litigating that in a fandom like ours would be... tricky. ST:Pic is way too small to steal stories outright. But similar or the same ideas pop up all the time. And it’s a complete coincidence. Reading the book that recently came out and that has a kinda similar setting to a lot of my stories (pre-season 1, early in Rios’s history as captain of Sirena, dealing with original characters, holo shenanigans, friendship with Raffi, etc.), I was struck by just how many elements, both scenes or story beats and little details, were similar to things that have cropped up in my writing. And it is entirely coincidental, because I am beyond certain that the author doesn’t read fanfic. Just... for legal reasons. Not to mention I wrote a bunch of the things I saw parallels to while the book was already in production, and some of them are only in my drafts.

So there is a ton of convergent evolution going on in this particular section of the fandom, and trying to litigate who came up with certain plot ideas or character beats when would be a sysiphean disaster. Some things are clear and whenever I use any of them I give credit where I can, but people will have very similar ideas. It just happens. So no, I haven’t had either a full-on story or “an idea” stolen, and I might change my tune if it ever does happen, but so far, I’m trying to practice equanimity, so I’ll be better at it should I ever need it.

have you ever had a fic translated?

Sadly no. My dad keeps complaining that all my fic is in English so he can’t read any of it, but honestly? I’m kinda glad for this very convenient excuse. Maybe if I ever feel like I want to practice my interpreting skills, I will give translating the stories into German a shot. We’ll see. Otherwise, if anyone feels inspired: Have at it! Just let me know, okay?

have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not quite. I have a draft of off-the-cuff worldbuilding that I wrote on Discord with @curator-on-ao3 and that I would love to turn into an actual short fic (letters from a conference on holo-ethics), but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.

what’s your all time favorite ship?

I don’t really do shipping.

what’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I WILL NEVER ACCEPT DEFEAT!!!! One day, I will write the next installment of Star Trek: La Sirena! I have so many ideas for that continuity and those characters. I’m not going to abandon them!

what are your writing strengths?

Hmmmmm. Probably detailed worldbuilding? Ask me something about, say, a technological or cultural aspect of Star Trek and chances are, I have thought about it in the past or will come up with three different sets of intricate lore within half an hour. (Things like... the architecture of San Francisco, or Will there still be taxi drivers? or the treaty between IKEA Intergalactic and the Borg Collective, or the Universal Translator, or Emergency Services or Why There Are Very Few Ambulances On Earth Anymore etceterah etceterah...)

I’m also good at slapping together off-the-cuff plot ideas (if, say, you need an explanation for how Seven and Agnes ended up stranded on a desert island, I could probably give you three different scenarios pretty quickly. Just don’t ask me to make them poignant or actually write them.

I’m also very, very good at beginnings.

what are your writing weaknesses?

Everything that isn’t a beginning. Especially endings, or rather: finishing something, but also just... keeping momentum.

I think my dialogue is somewhat samey and not distinct enough between characters. (Also my witty banter is... let’s just say it doesn’t come to me naturally...)

And I also struggle with keeping things brief and to the point. I can write you 30k of whump covering a span of three hours, but fitting a whole story in the same space? Much more difficult!

I have also avoided writing full-on action so far, but where it has crept in it has always been a struggle and been workshopped a lot with the indefatigable beta.

Otherwise, I don’t know. My self-perception is always a little warped, so I’m not sure what other people would say my weaknesses are.

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Oof. Well. I have used Spanish sentences in my fic and done the thing where they’re translated in the end note, but I’ve mostly done it sparingly. I’ve also done the ‘“What do you want?” he said in Spanish.’ It’s tricky. But I will likely keep doing it in some instances, even if it’s a bit annoying.

(It also really helps to have a native speaker of Spanish as a beta, even if it’s Spanish from a different region than you’re character.)

Speaking of regional: I’m also torn about the whole “phonetically writing out accents” issue. Some people love it, some people hate it, I’m really unsure because I’m not a native speaker of English, so I’m not even sure I’m consistent in my narrative voice’s regional quirks. So far, I’ve mostly gone with describing that an accent is happening, and only writing out when phrasing actually differs from standard English. Like Ian (Scottish) saying “dinnae” but not writing “I” as “ah” as you’d see on, say, Scottish twitter.

Though it can be a very useful tool if, for instance, you want to indicate a characters accent getting stronger as they get tired or upset. 🧐

Anyway, I don’t think there is one right or wrong answer here and everyones milage will vary.

what was the first fandom you wrote for?

Published? ST:PIC

Actually first? Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. Pretty much simultaneously, though I did write more for LotR. On graph paper, mind, with my fountain pen turned upside down so I could write smaller. I still have folders worth of those stories that I urgently need to digitize before they fade and I lose them forever...

what’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I’m going to quote @thelaithlyworm here: I Love All My Children Equally! I honestly couldn’t say. They are different and I love them for different reasons but I love them all.

Thank you for the tag! ❤ I’ve kinda lost track of who all has done this already or has already been tagged, so feel free to ignore me! But I tink I’m tagging @curator-on-ao3, @aini-nufire, @29-pieces, @flowers-creativity, @highfunctioningflailgirl, @cristobalrios and @the-goofball. And anyone else whom I forgot or who feels inspired to do this!

[lizacstuff]

Your thoughts on the epi?

This episode was everything! I don't remember when I've enjoyed crying so much. The funny thing is, though, that I've found myself crying more while rewatching those scenes, than I cried during the first time I watched the episode. This episode will definitely rank among my favorites. Let's talk about the B and C characters and then get to Edser and, of course, Kiraz at the end. I spent the first 30 minutes resisting the urge to punch my screen anytime Ayfer was on it. Damn, I wanted to slap her silly. Could she have been any more annoying? Eda's a grown woman, if she is finally doing the right thing and telling the father of her child he's a dad, then be supportive instead of a screeching pain in the ass. When she actually said "I told you so" to an upset Eda... seriously? That is awful. What a bitter, joyless, petty individual. I was cheering for Melo every time she told Ayfer she was negative. Good! At least we know the other characters recognize how awful she is.

(I get long winded, so this continues under the cut)

Also what was with her going overboard to protect Burak's feelings over his delusional aspirations? Why shouldn't he understand that Serkan and Eda shared a great love and Melo is rooting for them to rekindle it? What does hiding that from him do? It's still true. Ayfer treats this dude as a member of the family, so he might as well know. I get his feelings might get hurt, but dude needs a reality check and to move on, and no matter how hard Ayfer hopes, Serkan in their lives or no, Eda is never going to want Burak. She's made that clear. If Ayfer likes him so much maybe she should marry him, that way at least Melo would be saved from his milquetoast presence.

Speaking of that, they were clearly trying to establish some sort of connection or vibe between him and Melo. So far, I'm not into it. If he's still so into Eda that Ayfer doesn't want him to have to hear about Eda/Serkan possibly reuniting, then he doesn't deserve Melo. Melo deserves someone who wants her, not someone who pines after someone out of his league and then settles for her bff once he realizes he never had a shot with the great beauty. We'll see how it develops, but he has the personality of damp carpet so I don't have high hopes.

Aydan was a little screechy this episode, but I cut her some slack since she just found out these traitors stole 5 years of her granddaughter's life from her. My friend @echoapothecary made a good point to me that Aydan deserves no sympathy for this since she didn't tell Eda Serkan was alive back in amnesia times, and I don't disagree with that. That move by Aydan pretty much tainted her character forever, and it's near impossible to come back from, but viewing this story in a capsule I do feel sorry for her. She wasn't a good mother to Serkan, but she does love him, and I think she craves family. The main point being, Serkan wasn't the only one who lost something significant by not knowing about Kiraz until now, Aydan did too. Perhaps we can say that losing the first five years of her granddaughter's life is her punishment for keeping the secret about Serkan, it's about as steep a penalty as one could pay. Talk about karmic retribution.

Also, since Serkan is apparently not going to impose any emotional tolls on any of the traitors for the secret that was kept from him, I'm glad Aydan did at least make her displeasure known and made some of the liars uncomfortable. Piril, at least, felt it, even if she won't suffer any real consequences. I kind of wanted Serkan to kick her out of the company. I really don't like that character and I think every time she's on screen she just sucks the life out of the show. Engin when he's in scenes with Serkan or Eda or Melo or Aydan or Erdem = Interesting. Engin when he's with Piril = Zzzzzzz.

Pina and Kerem were cute, but to be honest I really don't care. It's inoffensive and I get that we need B, C and D storylines to fill out two hours each week, so I'm good with it, but let's be real I'm only watching for the main event.

Speaking of... now to EDSER! I actually like that Serkan walked out and drove away after hearing the truth. I can only imagine what kind of shock and betrayal he must have felt at that moment, escaping must have seemed like his best option. What I liked even more is that Eda followed him. What a relief after the last episode where she was looking for any and every excuse not to tell him and then made the nonsensical decision to flee in order to avoid it. Too many times in the past between these two pride has gotten in the way. There was a time that Eda might have thrown up her hands at him leaving and pretended like it didn't hurt, that it didn't matter. I'm so glad those days seem to be over. One of the hallmarks of season 2 has been the improved communication (sans secret) between these two and this episode took that concept to a new level.

How heartbreaking to watch Eda plead with Serkan through the door, and how double-y heartbreaking to watch Serkan sitting on the floor, head bent, clearly in emotional agony. You could feel it coming off of him. Kudos to both Hande and Kerem who KILLED IT this episode. Seriously, their best work to date. Their chemistry is always on point, but the way they flawlessly work off of one another in every scene they share, whether it's deeply dramatic or something light and romantic is truly something special to behold. That's one reason why I don't get the folks who are so hung up in hating the season 2 plotline, that they can't appreciate any of this. Because this is the point. Giving these two artists deep and challenging scenes together and opportunities to make more magic. Watching them this season is honestly a privilege and I plan on enjoying every minute of it.

Despite Serkan's emotional turmoil, it was so like him to put the blanket over her and then sit across from her sleeping form as he indulged in some more brooding. However, I really appreciate that by the morning he was ready to talk to her. That conversation was hard, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who was jarred by him saying that he would have told her to get an abortion. In light of his later confessions, I think there's a few ways to take that. I think it was in part a nod to what an emotional mess he was at the time, and in part he said it to alleviate some of her guilt. Because even a betrayed and hurt Serkan cares so much about her, and he knows what he put who through at the time. Especially because at that moment he still had no plans to tell her the truth about why he broke up with her, he was still playing the part of the man who just didn't want children. So stubborn! Thank goodness that over the course of the next 12 hours he'll change his mind about that...

On another note, how happy did it make you to see Sirius? It made me pretty happy. He lives!!!!

From the moment Eda went to his hotel room the night before to confess all the way until they met again at the hotel, Eda really did everything right in how she approached him. However, once back in Sile, she makes her first critical error. It reminded me of the Eda in episode 29 who started pushing so hard at amnesia!Serkan and coming at him with such extreme emotion that he shut down. And that's what happened during that conversation on the beach. Eda needed to give him a little bit of time to come to terms with things, instead of forcing a conversation the first moment they saw one another. Good grief, what was she doing demanding answers from him hours after he found out? She knows this man! She knows that he plans every aspect of his life. So to spring on him that you hid a child from him for 5 years and he's a dad, is a LOT. I like that in a later scene he knows he reacted badly, and actually also says to her "What did you expect?" While his reaction wasn't great, it was also pretty predictable and she should have known to give him some time.

Speaking of the conversation on the beach, what a powerhouse scene for Hande. One note on it, that was the scene they had just shot when Hande and Kerem did their last IGlive on premiere day. The one where Kerem kept talking about how he was in a mood because of an intense scene they had just done. After watching I couldn't help but note that he, as Serkan, mostly just stood there stoically as Hande did all the emoting as Eda let loose on all the pent up emotion she'd been carrying both for years and with Serkan's fresh rejection. It speaks to both their personal and professional dynamic that he was so affected by her being in that state since he didn't do the heavy lifting in that specific scene. The way they are attuned to each other is probably a big reason they are so flawlessly in sync on screen.

I liked how they weaved the Kiraz/Baba scene in at the right time. That was one instance where Aydan, Seyfi and Engin's meddling was for the good, engineering a situation where Serkan was alone with his daughter. Also excellent comedy from Can, ratting out his dad about throwing ice cream on him. Good stuff. I like Engin-as-a-father scenes, I like Engin-as-a-friend scenes, I could just do without Engin-as-a-husband scenes. Anyway, Serkan needed time to adjust, but he also needed to be exposed to Kiraz so that he could view their prior unlikely bond through the new prism of fatherhood. It's telling how easily he slid into Dad territory with teaching her how to tie her shoes. He had been doing that all along, but at that moment he knew about the relationship and still did what was natural. He is ready to be her father, he just needs to realize he's worthy of it.

You can't blame Eda for not realizing it, but it was lovely to see how quickly Serkan turned the corner. He was already adjusting his thinking not even 24 hours after he found out about Kiraz and that was really what inserting himself

into her dealings with the Italians was about. Staying in contact until he could beat back all his neurosis. As for the business stuff, she apparently needed him as an investor, but I also love the way he was there to first build up her confidence and then praise her after a successful presentation. I've said it before but Serkan as her professional mentor is one of my favorite dynamics between them. It did make me wonder, is she still 45% owner of the Holding? It seems like it, she sure didn't hesitate to present herself as his partner. If she is, though, it seems impossible that they could have had zero contact for all those years, unless she just placed her stake in a trust and gave him full voting control of it. Details I'm sure they won't explore in-depth, but I did wonder.

Don't you just love an unwitting guest character (Italian guy) who comes in and forces our two protagonists to spend extra time together? I do. Thank you Italian guy and Italian guy's wife! I love how quick Serkan was to accept, you see, he had already turned a corner and was looking for excuses to get close to her. It was his first step in his journey to opening up to her. Also, who noticed that Eda wore a slinky blue dress the night after Kiraz mentioned that it's Serkan's favorite color? Just checking. She is not as immune to his charms as she'd like us to believe...

OF COURSE Serkan was at Eda's graduation. I think pretty much the whole fandom had guessed that from their conversation in episode 40, but it still hit me emotionally to have it confirmed. What I really liked about it was that Serkan didn't tip his hand by accident. He quoted her graduation speech specifically because he wanted her to know he was there. And not only that he willingly admits that he thought of her every single day since they parted. This is a huge step for him. It has been driving him crazy that Eda thinks he forgot her and is totally unaffected by her. However, even just a few hours earlier he was still in a place where he had no intention to tell her anything, it's actually impressive how quickly he came around. Now I don't blame Eda at all for declaring it's not enough, he put her through emotional hell when they broke up. I mean on one hand you'd think she'd be able to see that he was already opening his heart and there was more to the story, however, her reaction was good because it spurred him on to go and tell her the whole story.

And what a heartbreaking story it was. As I said several times over the last few weeks, I was hoping that part of Serkan's motivation was that the doctor had told him he would be unable to have kids, what I wasn't expecting though was the double whammy of not being able to have kids AND there being a 70% chance of the cancer coming back. No wonder Serkan was eFFed up! Who wouldn't be, but then you add in his additional insecurities about not being worthy of love and his hypochondria and that is a bad mental cocktail. You know what's ironic, Ayfer hates him but in reality he did exactly what Ayfer would have wanted him to do. Push Eda away for her own good so she could have everything she wants in life without him dragging her down. What makes Ayfer the worst (and a hypocrite) is that this is exactly what she would have wanted him to do, but she also blames him for Eda's heartbreak in the aftermath.

The scene was so cathartic to watch as a viewer. We've been waiting for weeks for Serkan's point of view as he's hidden behind his usual confident and calm veneer, and when we finally got it, we really got it. He did not hold back. Serkan is such a complex character, which is a bit surprising for a silly show that you wouldn't really expect build a character with so many layers. On the surface he has everything and seems to be full of ego, but his arrogance is only surrounding his abilities, intellect, and skills as a businessman and architect. Personally, he has little self-worth and thinks he's not worthy of anyone's love, especially not Eda's. However, while that has been a truth of the character for a long time, this speech was the first time he admitted how deeply rooted his fears are. It was stunning, though, to have a character who is so rooted in being in control and who is worried about his outward image, open up in such a raw way and expose all his fears and insecurities to a woman he's been apart from for five years. It was breathtaking and Kerem was fantastic in the scene.

Initially, with the subtitles, I misinterpreted (though I knew it couldn't be quite right) his parting words. The subtitles I saw made it seem like Serkan was saying "Don't say you forgot me" as in Serkan didn't want Eda to say she forgot him. But it made so much more sense when I saw it translated as "But don't say I forgot you." which was a throw back to their dinner conversation in episode 40 when Eda says, "You forgot me." Once I realized Serkan was saying that he couldn't handle her thinking, or say, that he'd forgotten her, the scene hit doubly hard!

I saw some criticism of that scene that said Eda was just standing there with no emotion, but I didn't get that at all. She had tears running down her face and I thought she was fighting for his soul pretty dang hard. First by using both emotion-- telling him that everything had changed because now he had a daughter and that he'd locked his heart and soul in a cage. Then by using logic-- when she told him the cancer is gone and that's it's over and when she challenged him over why everything has to be perfect. Think from her perspective how disorienting it would be to find out that everything you thought was true, was not, and that if the love of your life wasn't such a stubborn, selfless, self-sabotaging martyr that you could have built a family together instead of been separated for 5 years. It's a lot.

On the first watch this doorway scene is where I started to get emotional, but I didn't really lose it and fully cry until Serkan's scene the next day with Engin. For whatever reason that scene hit me hard. Hats off to Anil for his work there, the way his voice broke at times during that conversation really got to me. This type of true friendship scene was something that was sorely missing during the era of the other writers, and it was wonderful to see it back, just when Serkan needed it most. Serkan needed someone to shake him a bit about his fears of dying. I think the writers did a good job here, because while Serkan's neurosis and self-sabotage is maddening, with his history it's believable that he was stuck in a headspace where he really thought he couldn't be a father to Kiraz, or a partner to Eda, because he might up and die on them. I loved how Engin pointed out that Eda and Kiraz would not be the only ones affected if he died and how ridiculous it was for him to lock himself away.

I'm glad we got the scene with the doctor to really get a full glimpse of Serkan's view of his illness and it's also a relief to not only Serkan, but to us viewers that since five years have passed cancer-free he now has the risk of a typical healthy person. Serkan isn't the only one who has hang ups about his health, I think after amnesia and cancer viewers do too!

Finding out that Eda had made videos specifically for Serkan over the years, talking to him directly, hit hard. I wasn't really expecting that. I thought maybe she just had general photos and videos, like any doting parent would have, but the fact that she was always wanting him, documenting Kiraz's life and preparing for a day when he would hopefully take his place as Kiraz's father... wow. On the cynical side it makes it that much harder to believe that she never made more of an effort to tell him once Kiraz was born, but I won't focus on that. Not when the scene was as perfect as it was. Kerem again was stellar, he made me cry buckets. I think since amnesia many of us wanted an emotional response from him, thank goodness this story finally delivered it. The emotions running through him at that moment were overwhelming and Kerem did a fantastic job of portraying all of them, the heartbreak over everything he missed, the joy at seeing moments

from his daughter's life, the regret of not being there and being the partner Eda needed, the pride in the job Eda did in raising their daughter alone, and finally the bittersweet relief that Eda never forgot him.

It was a lot, but it was a good segue to the next scene when Eda calls him frantic because Kiraz went missing. What was clear from those videos was that while Eda, when we first meet her in Sile, appeared on the surface to have everything handled as a single mom, she always really wanted to have Serkan there as her partner. While Kiraz was pining for her dad, Eda was pining for Serkan as well. And we see this displayed in full force when Serkan arrives. Several people try to comfort Eda, including Burak, but she's not having it. However, as soon as Serkan gets there you can almost see the relief hit her in a wave. She's not in this alone anymore. Kiraz's father is there to help. Even if nothing is settled at that moment, she knows she can rely on Serkan and that he will know what to do. Which is supported by the fact that he clearly took charge the moment he found out, calling the authorities, having them begin searches etc.

But while highlighting his competence, conversely can we talk about how incompetently everyone else was at searching for Kiraz? They all acted worried, but did any of them make any real effort to find her? LMAO, they all seemed much more concerned with their own personal dramas. Especially egregious were Engin and Piril. Hello! Your son is clearly trying to tell you where the missing person is! Stop ignoring him. Thank goodness Serkan is very good at finding people.

Of course he found her and our hearts collectively shattered as we watched her trying to send a message to her Baba in space when in reality he was kneeling right there beside her, helping her tie the note to the balloon. If anything else was left to convince Serkan that he is wanted and needed, by both Eda and Kiraz, this situation was it. Even though some careless crew member spoiled the astronaut suit in an unnecessary IG story from the set, (that would have been a really good surprise) it was still satisfying to see this fairy tale play out. Never over "Baba?" and "Happy Birthday, my daughter" and now I can't wait to see Kiraz's reaction that her new friend Serkan Bolat is actually her dad and it should be pretty great to watch the three of them form a family together.

Overall this was the most emotional episodes of the series, and also one of the best.

[azrielsribbon]

!!! A COURT OF SILVER FLAME SPOILERS !!!

Alternatively, Asli finished the book in like six hours and has many, many thoughts.

ON THE TOPIC OF NESTA, SOME CASSIAN AND NESSIAN AS A WHOLE.

holy shit. this is a lot.

She has grown so much, and I mean that by the little things.

I love that sjm didn’t make it so she was addicted to the wine and sex

Okay I understand Nesta was frustrating sometimes because she really was stubborn but some of the shit Cassian said was really out of line. Especially when he screamed that no one like fucking liked her.

Cassian was down so bad this entire book and I knew that the moment he said he hadn’t bed a female in two years. He was STARVINGGG

Her determination in getting down those stairs, I probably wouldve tested myself down a window or something.

I liked how she bonded with the House. It was a refreshing, different take on loneliness and finding a friend.

The House and how it looked after her. It was the biggest thing in her journey.

One theme I see in Nesta a lot is self sabotage, especially when it means the safety of others. She’s ready to throw herself in front of them.

Her banter with Cassian was really nice to read.

WHEN SHE MENTIONED HAVING A THREESOME TWICE I DIED

Cassian and his backstory was rip. It was really sad thinking about how little kid Cass really regretted some of the things that even he couldn’t control.

sjm did not disappoint with inner thoughts. Those were really refreshing.

She wasn’t vividly jealous or furious at Mor and Cassian’s friendship and I really liked that take.

Cassian’s silent jealously when Helion tries to flirt with Nesta and she dodged it LMAOOO

When Cassian kisses her in front of their family to help her get out of the map

Her silent bond with Az! That kept me going honestly. He was a sly bastard sometimes.

Sometimes I really questioned somethings, like those fast smut scenes but that’s just my preference.

Her marching down to Amren’s after she finds out they voted against her having the weapons she Made

Not to mention how she told Feyre about the baby and the labor risk out of anger, that really hurt both of them and me.

When she stayed silent during her punishment hike with Cassian. Each thought tore me apart.

When he warned her about falling and she was glad he didn’t see the expression on her face. How she didn’t mind if she fell down and how it would better.

When she cried after all those days of silence and finally told him how she felt underneath all that.

He softened up fast too and blamed himself for not realizing all this time why she hated the fire.

Can we talk about that dancing scene with Eris? And how Cassian was secretly exploding on the side as he remembered her mother wanted her to marry a Prince just like Eris.

WHEN ERIS ASKED RHYS WHAT HE WANTED IN EXCHANGE FOR NESTA TO BE HIS BRIDE AFTER LIKE A COUPLE DANCED LMAOO

The Solstice scene had my heart. The gift Az got Nesta and how she hugged him after he told her about it. How Cassian smiled at the sight.

HOW CASS GOT HER A LITTLE MUSIC BOX RECORDED WITH THE MUSIC FROM THE BALLROOM AND HOW HE ASKED THE MUSICIANS TO PERFORM IT FOR HIM AFTER EVERYONE LEFT SO HE COULD GET IT FOR HERRRR

They really kept shit away from each other till it exploded in an argument and that’s a reoccurring theme with this book couple.

WHAT MADE ME SO FRUSTRATED WAS HOW HE WANTED TO STAY IN HER BED AFTER SEX AND SHE WANTED TO CUDDLE BUT THEY DIDNT SAY ANYTHING AND ASSUMED THE OTHER DIDNT WANT IT

The topic of mates was RUSHED. Like I mean really rushed. First they argue, he says shackled and then the next time they get to speak (after the forced Blood Rite and labor scene) they accept it? I dont know, it didn’t sit with me.

I wish Nesta would elaborate on why she didn’t believe in Mates even more and Cassian would actually listen for once. Again, rushed.

The ending was fast paced in my opinion. We could’ve really had more to go off of, I needed more domestic Nessian.

ON THE TOPIC OF NESTA, GWYN, EMERIE

I am obsessed with Gwyn, Emerie and their friendship with Nesta.

I love how Gwyn and Nesta started, both gritting their teeth and still appreciating that aspect of each other.

How Nesta raced to help her with a book even when their first encounter wasn’t the friendliest.

Gwyn being persistent in paying back her small debt. I love her.

When Gwyn applied to defense lessons after Nesta defended them from the scholar priestess.

Emerie, my homegirl. I love her to death. The way she easily befriends Nesta, how Nesta stands up for her when her cousin comes to bother her.

I don’t know if it was just me, but Emerie and Mor might possibly be something. Either good friends or interested lovers.

THE WAY EMERIE BONDED OVER SMUTTY NOVELS WITH THE OTHER GIRLS AND LET THEM BORROW HER STUFFFFFF

Gwyn helping Nesta with her research on Valkyries. Muah.

Gwyn and Az, I feel like something might happen here and if it does, I do not want any Elriel drama getting dragged in, MY GIRL GWYN HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH OKAY

Gwyn thinking she doesn’t deserve the purity jewel the other priestesses wear and her backstory honestly just broke me. She endured so much.

Emerie and everything she lost. Her mother, her brother, her wings and any dreams she had of flying. How she distracts herself with work and gardening to keep that off her mind.

The way the girls all developed inside jokes, jokingly hanged up on Cassian at training and always had Nesta’s back.

The way they were dedicated to each other even during the Rite when they couldve let one another behind and won.

HER SISTERSSS I CRIED I WOULD DIE FOR THIS MF TRIOOOO

ON THE TOPIC OF THE INNER CIRCLE + THE ARCHERON PARENTS

Fey-ruh was pregoooo she and Rhys raw dogged it

I felt really really bad when no one fucking told her she would die because the baby had wings and she wasn’t fit to give birth like that. Like. What.

Can we talk about how they fucked when Feyre was in her Illyrian form and didn’t think the thing through?

Rhys, I can’t stand the guy. First he wants to make a bargain with his mate that they die together and then he wants to keep it from her that she can die when giving birth to their kid.

I think what pissed me off the most was when he was trying to help Cassian get Nesta out of a nightmare/power “episode” and had to experience what she did with the Cauldron and seeing Elain and Cassian hurt. He said he knew she was feeling something but seeing and feeling it yourself was different. Yeah, what else did you think smartass.

Rhys has a habit of keeping important shit secret, Amren is no better either. I think that’s what pissed me off the most. They sometimes kept the too important shit away.

As much as Nesta grew, so did Feyre. They both developed pretty good in my mind, I don’t hate her as much as I despise Rhys sometimes. All and all I love how she and Nesta ended up.

Amren....I get her point about Nesta using and abusing their friendship. At the same time, sometimes she was too harsh.

Elain, darling old cottage core aesthetic Elain. I found her to be a little insufferable sometimes. How she showed up unexpectedly at the Library to talk to Nesta and they got into an argument was funny to me since Nesta pulled out some stuff on her.

ELAIN THANKING NESTA AND SAYING FINALLY AFTER SHE TELLS HER TO “OH FUCK OFF” AT THE SOLSTICE PARTY WAS SO RANDOM

Elain and Lucien is some fucked up shit. I understand how she doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that they’re mates and all that but you can atleast thank the guy when he gives you a gift on Solstice.

I feel bad for Lucien because as sweet as Elain might show to be, she’s really hurting him and could just reject him if she really doesn’t want him.

AZ AZ AZ I LOVE HIM AND HIS SLY MOMENTS

Az when he cockblocks is the best thing. Do it more often.

Az and Nesta’s bond is something I want to see more, as well as how she literally thought about a threesome with him and Cassian.

Morriiiiigan. Everyone mentions her beauty and how she’s like the sun walking and I admire that. She wasn’t as annoying as I thought she’d be on the topic of Nesta and Cassian being an item.

She also wasn’t in the book as much which made sense since she was in Vallahan. I did like how she accepted Nessian towards the end.

The long awaited Mrs Archeron. Some of my theories about her proved true! About how she groomed her daughters into marriage ideologies at the worst age. 12 and 11? What the fuck?

The way she called Elain a pretty thing with no ambition at 11, no wonder Nesta and Elain have no proper knowledge of survival like Feyre did. She was set on making sure Nesta married someone who would treat her well, Elain married someone rich since her beauty was beyond all three of them.

Literally Mrs Archeron was not okay LMAOOO why are you telling your daughters this when they haven’t even bled yet damn CHILL

I felt bad since she didn’t care for Feyre and only their father doted on Elain and Feyre. Nesta was kept all to her mother to feed off Mrs Archeron’s narcissism.

Not to mention she died a year later

I found it funny Elain mentioned how at 15, Nesta even had their dad fearing her. Like it’s your daughter, wdym you fear her

The backstory on how Nesta treated him and how she feels now looking back. It was saddening and I unfortunately know the regret of not doing somethings. It must eat her alive.

I enjoyed reading this book, even if I wasn’t content with the ending. I tabbed a LOT of things so you’ll probably catch me editing and adding more to this in the morning. Thank you for reading all the way down here! 🤍

[seerofmike]

The Writing In Apex Kinda Sucks And Also They Use Ship Bait As A Plot Device I Hate It Here

a stupid essay/rant encouraged by @zombiegloss that originally started as a youtube video script so if its like. weird at points. this was intended to be a verbal rant SNZISKSIA

basically i'm gonna talk abt the caustic-wattson-crypto relationship drama and how i think it was mishandled and how much the writers kind of Suck because i Can

you are free to disagree with me on any of my points and think that this aspect of the story was handled well, this is just my opinion, and i'd love to hear your thoughts and counterpoints !

first, addressing some things:

i know this is a battle royale and not necessarily a story-based game, so i can’t expect it to have masterful witcher-style writing.

but with the direction the game seems to be going; putting quests, evolving interactions, and comics in the game, plus coming out with a lore book and hinting at something bigger in the future, i think it’s fair to criticize it for lackluster writing, especially since what i’m criticizing has been something present since Apex’s story technically began.

secondly, i am not a professional writer. i’m a high schooler who writes as a hobby. i don’t have the decades of experience that some of the apex writers do, and i can’t claim to be a better writer than they are--but i also don’t have to be a five-star chef to realize that something tastes bad. when i critique something and give suggestions, i am not saying i could’ve done it better. i’m just bringing up what i think could have worked.

third, before i upset anyone , when i say a relationship is badly written, i’m not telling you that you can’t ship it or that your ship sucks. i’ll briefly touch on the shipping aspect of this and how it’s a detriment to the story but Ye

okay, so with that out of the way, let us Begin

relationships are often the emotional core of a story, and how strong your reaction is to conflict in these relationships depends on how the story sets them up. if you want the audience to care about these characters and what they go through, you need to develop them and establish the type of relationship they have well. it’s why so many people cried in the last episode of telltale’s the walking dead. you’ve spent roughly 12 hours bonding with clementine and protecting her, and your relationship with her is part of several story beats as well as character beats for lee. 

when these two characters’ relationship reaches its peak at the end of the game, it’s powerful, and it’s emotional. you care. you feel something, and the fact that you have to choose what to do to lee only makes it more gut-wrenching. 

now, the walking dead is entirely story-based and especially character-driven, so it may be unfair to compare it to apex, but i just wanted to lay the groundwork down for what i think is a strong relationship that makes you feel something when conflict arrives, in this case the conflict being lee getting bit and clementine having to decide his fate.

the broken ghost in general is kind of not-good sometimes, tom casiello previously wrote for soap operas and you can really, REALLY tell sometimes.

this story feels like it should’ve taken place a little later, and that we should’ve had a season to actually set up the characters and their relationships, but that’s a story for another day.

to put it bluntly, the set-up for the crypto, wattson, and caustic conflict is done poorly. for caustic and wattson's relationship it’s a little better, but not by much. 

wattson and caustic having a relationship was hinted at in season 2, when her lore indicated that caustic was among one of the Legends who comforted her after her father died. In season four lore materials posted on Twitter, an email from Jacob Young states that Caustic is acting paternal towards Wattson. In season five, interactions get added to the Game, and this is the first time we actually see their relationship in action, as they have unique revive voice lines for each other. in the quests, when wattson is injured, caustic lashes out at loba and attacks her out of what seems to be anger at wattson’s current state.

Side Note this plot point was really stupid and done for cheap drama because she literally wakes up like two chapters later and they don’t even give her anything to say it’s just suddenly oh yeah crypto and wattson are working together. the same exact injury thing happens to octane later but nobody gIVES A SHIT because again, it’s just cheap soap opera drama.

their relationship might seem a little bit sudden for anyone who wasn’t on top of twitter lore drops, but like, it’s okay, i guess. i’ll give it the slightest credit for at least establishing something between the two in terms of voice lines and stuff, even if for some it might seem like it came out of nowhere.

what did come out of nowhere, though, was crypto and wattson’s friendship. in the quests, crypto and wattson are tasked with rebuilding the broken ghost because of their respective skills, and they’re seen talking in chapter six while they work on it. we’re not really given a clear timeline on how long the story in the broken ghost is, but i think it takes about a week, maybe.

unlike wattson and caustic, their relationship has been given absolutely zero material to work with before now, not even a passing glance in the trailers--which is a little weird considering crypto took down the repulsor tower and destroyed wattson’s home, but. Whatever.

tl dr of the chapter: crypto and wattson talk to each other while doing nerd shit, crypto laughs at wattson’s bad pun, and then suddenly they’re BESTIEEEES, until a couple dozen lines later in the same chapter. then they’re Not.

crypto’s drone gets hacked by revenant while everyone was kind of on edge after the reveal of a spy in their midst, he gets framed as the spy by caustic, anddddd wattson gets upset.

before i get into how dumb this storyline is, i’m gonna talk about the set-up to this conflict.

we have been given no reason to believe that these characters have ever talked to each other, and quite frankly, their friendship doesn’t really make sense.

ignoring the fact that crypto destroyed wattson’s home--which she probably doesn’t know about, so that’s forgiven for now--crypto is a paranoid guy. in the lore book he makes people stand on fucking footprints in his house so he can scan them for weapons and listening devices, and he apparently doesn’t stick around much after the games and nobody knows anything about him because he doesn’t talk to them.

a key part of crypto’s story is the fact that he is undercover and afraid of anyone finding out anything about him ever. him becoming friends with wattson kind of comes out of the blue, and we’re not even given a reason as to why they supposedly became close in the first place. i would kind of understand if like, maybe he draws parallels with her and mila in his mind and it makes him open up a little more, but that doesn’t happen. he just laughs at her joke and suddenly they’re friends.

maybe they’re trying to go for this ‘wattson can become friends with anybody’ angle, kind of hinted at with caustic but not really we’ll get into that, but that also? kind of doesn’t make sense since so many of her voice lines straight-up say she doesn’t understand people and electricity is more her thing, but honestly, she also does have those really friendly elements in her voice lines too, so its not as egregious as what they did with crypto.

their sudden out-of-the-blue friendship would’ve been fine if they spent a little more time fleshing it out, and giving us something to work with, but instead, the story immediately tries to rip it apart and frame it as this grand conflict where crypto is framed as the mole, crypto then accuses caustic, and wattson feels betrayed.

except it doesn’t really work, because we don’t give a shit. for several reasons. 

one: crypto and wattson became friends and then ended their friendship in the same exact chapter. they did not speak to each other onscreen until this chapter began, you can read the entire quest on the wiki and see for yourself that their interactions up until that point were nonexistent aside from mentions in the narration that they were building something together.

the reason wattson feels betrayed is kind of stupid too. why does she really care that much if one of them betrayed loba? nobody else really cared about the fact that one of them was a spy, in fact, nobody even seems to like loba that much, and they just found out that loba’s been lying to them this whole time, and wattson was conscious for that conversation and had a speaking line, so she’s fully aware of the situation. 

maybe it’s just like, the idea that one of them lied, but that’s still kind of a weak reason. 

this entire betrayal thing is just dumb, and it gets even worse when you realize that there could have been an actual legitimate reason for wattson to feel betrayed by crypto--even if it still would’ve come across as weak conflict because of their newly established friendship, it would’ve made more sense than this. 

Crypto destroyed Wattson’s home. He took down the tower and then all the flyers and stuff invaded Kings Canyon and made it their bitch. Not only that, but Wattson considers the Syndicate her family. The Syndicate are the very people who framed Crypto for murder and he’s trying to take them down. 

They could’ve set up actual conflict with these things, and it almost seemed like they would, because Caustic briefly brings up that Crypto could be working with Revenant because he has something against the Syndicate but then that doesn’t really go anywhere and we’re just back to Wattson feeling betrayed because either Crypto or Caustic was a spy and she doesn’t know who.

Weak conflict could’ve been made better by a strong relationship and a weak relationship could’ve still been interesting with strong conflict, but both the relationship between Crypto and Wattson and the conflict that drives them splitting up as friends were really weak and didn’t make much sense. 

It would’ve been ten times more interesting if Wattson found out Crypto ruined her home, the arena she grew up in, and was now participating in the Games to take out the people she regards as her family. That’s where her distrust could’ve manifested and conflict could’ve began, but instead it was the stupid betraying loba thing. why do you care. you just started talking to this guy like 2 hours ago.

also caustic’s whole reason for framing crypto feels stupid as fuck. he didn’t just frame crypto randomly, he framed him specifically because he doesn't want him to influence wattsob because he likes her Big Brain, but this is the FIRST time we have seen those two interact. 

what influence is he talking about? wraith and wattson have been shown to be friendly with each other in the trailers, according to tom’s tweets, and in the story too so why doesn’t he frame her? at this point the audience had slightly more build-up for those two’s relationship than crypto and wattson and a betrayal storyline would’ve felt a little more deserved if still weak.

this is the point where i briefly want to touch upon shipping, and the fact that part of this conflict feels driven by shipbait. 

aside from their relationship coming out of nowhere and the writers trying to make the stakes seem high and deeply emotional to the characters involved (despite this essentially being the first time they’ve ever interacted) tom casiello literally addresses shippers in a tweet regarding chapter seven, and as the story between these characters progresses, it becomes clear to me, at least that the crypto-wattson thing is just bait for shippers, and it’s lazy. 

it’s easy to get away with giving your characters little to no relationship development if you’re just counting on shippers to do the heavy mental lifting for you

why should i put any effort into making this relationship seem believable? people are going to see a young guy and a young girl having bare minimum interaction and assume there’s romantic interest! then i don’t have to do any work, see look, it’s a ready-made relationship wrapped in a bow for me! all that’s left for me to do is give them conflict so i can keep teasing shippers with lines like ‘you never deserved her’!

i think it’s reasonable for me to suspect shipbait, since tom casiello likes doing darksparks shipbait on twitter, and i’m like, eighty percent sure mirage and bloodhound suddenly being childhood friends in the book is shipbait too, because these characters were the number one ship in apex for a long time despite little to no interaction, and then all of a sudden in the lore book they’re childhood friends despite this literally never being mentioned before?

like bloodhound is set up to be mysterious and nobody knows what they look like, or where they’re from, or who their family is--except for mirage Apparently, who played with them when he was a kid on their home planet, and has seen them with their mask off, because bloodhound did not wear a mask when their parents were still alive.

its weird.

i’m pretty sure they’ve said somewhere they were working on this book before apex even came out, so i could just be completely wrong and they always planned for mirage and bloodhound to know each other, but if that’s the case, why did they never mention it like they did octane and lifeline?

i refuse to believe MIRAGE never brought it up either like ‘heeeeyy bloodhound remember when we used to throw eggs at our parents lab haha wanna go do to that to bangalore’s room’ 

[silence]

‘good talk buddy’

ANYWAYS I GOT OFF TOPIC. POINT IS, shipping is a detriment to the story because the writers don’t feel like they actually have to put any work into establishing or developing the relationship between characters when they know the community’s just going to do it for them anyways, and that they can put in shipbait and it’s fine and it makes sense when it really doesn’t.

imagine watching captain america civil war after not seeing a single other marvel movie.

why would you care about the avengers splitting up or tony and steve butting heads or steve’s commitment to bucky? you wouldn’t care, at least not as much as someone who’s seen all the movies and knows the relationship between the characters and why the sokovia accords exist in the first place. you don’t have context and you don’t have any reason to be emotionally invested in these characters’ relationship.

 this feels like that. the writers tried to squeeze this relationship and stuff into a single chapter and we don’t fucking care unless we were already invested in the idea of their relationship (shippers) because we barely spent any time with it.

so to summarize this little section, the set-up of this storyline Kinda Sucks! crypto and wattson barely seem to know each other, because we the audience barely saw them together and the writers are relying on shipbait in place of a relationship.

wattson and caustic are a little better but not great, but the conflict is stupid and it only gets stupider.

moving onto summarizing the rest of the broken ghost, gibraltar and caustic talk, caustic LITERALLY confesses to being the mole and says he framed crypto so he couldn’t corrupt wattson and to appear innocent because his identity was suspected, then that wraps up the season storyline.

season six begins with new voice lines, where wattson has had enough of crypto and caustic’s shit and is all passive-aggressive and going ‘this doesn’t change anything’. she has to decide who to trust, and how to figure out The Truth for herself because she’s not a little girl anymore. crypto and caustic are both trying to convince her they’re innocent and it creates some interesting conflict.

just kidding. it’s terrible conflict. you want to know why?

BECAUSE GIBRALTAR TRIED TO TELL HER THE TRUTH, RIGHT AFTER THE SEASON 5 QUEST HAPPENED, AND SHE LITERALLY REFUSED TO HEAR IT.

LIKE THERE��S A SEASON 6 LOADING SCREEN WHERE HE’S TELLING EVERYONE THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, AND WHEN HE GETS TO WATTSON AND IS LIKE HEY I KNOW WHO THE MOLE WAS AND WHY THEY DID IT, SHE JUST GOES i dont wanna hear it. i need to think

IF YOU WANT THE TRUTH WHY ARE YOU REFUSING TO HEAR IT

SHE SPENDS ALMOST TWO ENTIRE SEASONS MAD AT CRYPTO FOR SOMETHING HE DIDN’T DO BECAUSE SHE TOLD GIBRALTAR TO FUCK OFF WHEN HE TRIED TO TELL HER WHAT HAPPENED

ITS SO DUMB

i think it was towards the end of season 6 or the beginning of season 7 where apex posted this picture of wattson asleep at her desk where she has a letter from gibraltar on it that looks like it tells her the truth, so she knows now, she knows what happened, but NOW her issue is the fact that she doesn’t know anything about crypto.

WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT IS YOUR GODDAMN DAMAGE. YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT BLOODHOUND EITHER ARE YOU THIS UPSET WITH BLOODHOUND TOO?? HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO PATHFINDER. DO YOU HATE PATHFINDER TOO

oh but she was friends with crypto and now she’s mad that he lied to her EXCEPT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WASN’T BUILT UP WELL SO IT JUST FEELS STUPID. THEY SPENT LONGER BEING NOT-FRIENDS THAN THEY SPENT BEING FRIENDS. THEY BECAME FRIENDS IN ONE CHAPTER AND THEN IMMEDIATELY AT THE END OF THAT CHAPTER THEIR FRIENDSHIP ENDED AND THEN WATTSON SPENT LIKE 2 SEASONS MAD AT HIM FOR SOMETHING HE DIDN’T DO . 

AND THE WRITERS TRIED TO RECTIFY THIS BY SAYING OH SHE’S NOT MAD ABOUT THE TRAITOR THING SHE’S MAD BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM AND IT’S LIKE WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT MAKE THAT CLEAR WHY DOES SHE SAY ‘IT DOESN’T CHANGE WHAT YOU DID’ IN HER VOICE LINES WHY DOES SHE CALL HIM A TRAITOR IF HER CONFLICT WAS HER NOT KNOWING MUCH ABOUT HIM . WHAT DID HE DO. 

HE JUST STOOD THERE AND LAUGHED AT HER JOKE AND THEN HE GOT FRAMED AND THEN THAT WAS THE END OF THE CHAPTER AND NOW SHES SUDDENLY LIKE IM ACTUALLY MAD BECAUSE YOURE A LIAR AND I CANT TRUST YOU EVEN THOUGH I NOW KNOW YOU WERE FRAMED I STILL DO NOT LIKE YOU AND HES LIKE YEAH THATS MY FAULT

The Caustic voicelines are stupid too, again his reason for framing Crypto was stupid and a lot of his voicelines just seem to be that shipbait thing again but like from the angle of overprotective dad who doesn’t like the new boyfriend. it’s stupid but not as egeregious as this next part which is

crypto telling wattson his identity.

CRYPTO was framed for MURDER and is paranoid and can’t trust anyone and doesn’t talk to anyone and the last time he did talk to someone he got framed for Another thing and the person he was talking to turned her back on him and actively refused to know the truth for like 2 seasons and then he went This Is Fine I Can Tell Her My Identity

the stupidest update to this storyline was crypto telling wattson the truth

why did they do it on the dropship where there are presumably syndicate members and other legends around.

why didn’t he scan wattson for listening devices like he did for pathfinder in the book.

why is he telling her his identity when he knows she has very close ties to the people that FRAMED HIM for MURDER. Does he trust her that much? WHY? They spoke to each other in a chapter and then spent two seasons not talking to each other beyond passive-aggressive BS. why are you so fucking stupid taejoon

their relationship was so poorly set-up that even if the writers maybe intended for them to come across as close friends who had spent weeks bonding, it really feels like they became friends in a single conversation, had a falling out, and now crypto suddenly trusts her with his identity after an undetermined amount of time because he wants to be friends again. 

that does not make SENSE this conflict feels contrived AS FUCK and the resolution feels even worse and unearned UGGGHHHH

it honestly comes across as crypto feeling desperate for friendship, and maybe this would’ve worked better if that’s the angle they played it as.

he’s been alone for roughly two years, and just wants a friend, and he’s honestly so lonely he just breaks down to the first person who’s really talked to him. it could’ve been an interesting little part of his character, and they could've gone into depth about how much this situation has affected him, but that’s not what they’re doing. he’s still paranoid and anxious and doesn’t trust anyone, except for wattson, because the plot needs him to or else there won’t be any stupid soap opera drama.

and to rub salt in the wound, wattson’s new voice lines with caustic have him telling her that she forgave crypto.

WHAT ARE YOU FORGIVING HIM FOR. ARE YOU FORGIVING HIM FOR BEING FRAMED? WHY DID HE HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE THE ONE WHO REFUSED TO HEAR THE TRUTH?

 did the conversation just go hey my real name is taejoon park and something bad happened to me and she went aight i forgive you WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

Caustic’s new voice lines to Crypto where he’s like ‘what did you tell her’--YOU TOLD GIBRALTAR STRAIGHT-UP YOUR EVIL MASTER PLAN LIKE A SUPERVILLAIN AND NOW YOU’RE SURPRISED WATTSON AND CRYPTO ARE ON GOOD TERMS NOW?!

THAT’S LIKE TELLING SOMEONE YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND THEN BEING SURPRISED WHEN YOU BECOME THE VICTIM OF IDENTITY FRAUD. YOU SET YOURSELF UP FOR THIS WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE CRYPTO DID SOMETHING SINISTER OR LIED OR WHATEVER. WHAT THE FUCK. WHY DO YOU HAVE LIKE 3 BRAINCELLS

this is at like ten pages already so i’m going to just try and wrap this up quickly. 

it’s frustrating seeing this storyline play out when there are actually good relationships and storylines written into apex. i’m kind of getting tired of the loba and revenant conflict, but we at least had set-up to it in the form of a few animated shorts and it doesn’t play out as stupidly as this story does. bangalore and loba’s friendship is actually developed well, even if the point between the end of season 5 and season 6 where they suddenly talk like each other feels like it could’ve used a little more. 

where crypto and wattson having an established friendship in the broken ghost failed, lifeline and octane’s established friendship works because we’ve been told since octane’s release they were childhood friends and given lore materials that indicate they’ve known each other for a very long time.

apex wants this storyline between crypto and wattson and caustic to feel dramatic and tense and ultimately rewarding when crypto and wattson did become friends for real and stuff, but instead it just comes across as hollow and empty. 

there’s nothing there. it’s a case of tell, don’t show, and it looks like this stupid conflict is gonna keep going for another couple of seasons at this rate. 

side note: this entire script was written before the new twitter comics

please tell me ur thoughts and feel free to respond with ur own lil essay

also believe it or not this is not the "shipping is a detriment to apex's story" essay i was gonna write this is a completely different essay that has some overlap SKXISOSOW

[chilling-seavey]

Qui Totum Vult Totum Perdit (d.s.) - 12

A/N Narrowing in

Warnings: This story is centered around a murder so there will be graphic descriptions of blood, death/manslaughter, dealing with corpses, possible domestic abuse (physical/verbal), crime/covering up a crime, shock/grief, and other possibly heavy or triggering topics. Please read at your own discretion.

My mind had been telling me lots of things over the prior twenty-four hours, dear reader, trying to force me to piece together a memory I didn’t remember. But there was something all too familiar about the realization that came over me while sitting on the side of the resort bathtub with Avalon’s hand in my own. I could hear her soft gasp as the glass hit the kitchen floor as clear as day, I even heard it in my mind that morning but the pieces weren’t fitting until now. 

She never threw her glass at me. I never followed her screaming into the studio. Hell, I didn’t even know where the knife set was among the neatly stacked array of wedding gifts until I woke up that morning with one laying next to me.

I vowed to love her until the end of time and, although I couldn’t trust myself at first, it came back to me so obviously that I never would have hurt her - never would have laid a finger on her yet alone took her life - no matter how much we disagreed. 

Jonah returned to the hotel room with buckets of ice to find me sitting in a complete mess of tears on the side of the tub, clutching Avalon’s hand until my knuckles were nearly turning white. He left the bucket of ice on the counter and hurried over to me, setting his hand on my shoulder.

“Hey, hey, what’s going on?” Jonah asked in that gentle voice he could always put on when someone needed consoling.

“I didn’t do it!” I cried, turning to lean into him as he stood beside me. “I-I don’t know who did, but I didn’t kill her! We fought and she went to sleep in the studio and…and I-I should have…I should have fucking followed her…protected her…I’m such a fucking asshole for ever thinking I was ever better than her!”

Jonah simply stayed quiet, rubbing his hand over my shoulder in consolable stripes as I cried out my grief. The fact that he wasn’t correcting my slight self-deprecation was proof enough that he saw my faults throughout the past four years too. Everyone seemed to see them but me, and I only saw them once it was too late.

“I gotta tell you something, bro.” Jonah said softly.

I looked up at him through my tears.

“When I was getting the ice in the lobby…” he licked his lips nervously as if to buy himself time, “The news reported that they found your bloody handprint on the piano in your studio. The missing persons case has been switched over to a homicide investigation.”

The irony of the blood draining from my face was nearly comical and looking back now it truly was. If finding Avalon’s body that morning caused my heart to stop in my chest, the news that the police now thought I did it when I had just pieces together that I was innocent truly felt like I was experiencing death just as strongly. I felt sick. I wasn’t safe anywhere. It was often cases like this locked up the innocent and if my memory served me correctly, the numbers still weren’t on my side.

“I-I didn’t do it though!” I stumbled out.  

“I know.” Jonah said calmly, “Come on. We gotta get her in some ice and then we can decide on our next steps.”

“I…I can’t.” I breathed.

“Daniel, you can’t shut down on me. I know you’re scared and…and sad but…” Jonah raked his hand through his hair as we stared down at Avalon laying in the empty tub. “Shit.”

His own obvious slight panic weighed heavy on my heart.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you.” I said shakily, “Should have never gotten you into this.”

“No. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.” Jonah said strongly. He pried my hand out of Avalon’s, “But we gotta keep moving if we’re going to figure out what we need to do next.”

I nodded. I really had nothing else to say. What was there to say? I could cry and scream and try to point fingers all I wanted but nothing was going to bring her back. She was dead. And I was a widow.

“Daniel.”

I looked up at Jonah again. The concern on his face was unmissable.

“Why don’t you go lay down? Try and get some sleep and I’ll finish up out here.”

“Where are we going to put the rug?” I asked. I hadn’t even realized I was thinking about that. All the evidence in my car? Nothing was on my side here.

“We can bury it in the desert or something on our way to the lodge tomorrow.” Jonah suggested.

“And the knives too.” I added. I looked back to Avalon but spoke to Jonah again, “What are we going to do with her?”

“I…don’t know. Depends on if you find the person who did this.”

“Fuck!” I swore loudly, balling my hands into fists and held them in front of my face to hide my onset of fresh tears, “I’m so fucked!”

“Okay, Daniel, just go lay down. I’ll take care of it.” Jonah helped me to my feet from the side of the tub and I couldn’t help but fall right into him, throwing my arms around his shoulders and embraced him tightly. He patted my back gently and let me cry into his shoulder, clutching onto the back of his shirt as I let out all the sorrows of the previous hours, the evil mix of grief and relief and fear swirling in my mind.

I didn’t remember getting into bed. Apparently I had a tendency to forget aspects of my days but I woke up in the hotel bed to Jonah turning off the bedroom light and getting into his own bed beside mine. I stayed still to make it seem like I was still sleeping. I wasn’t ready to face in the influx of “are you okay?” questions that I honestly wasn’t sure how to answer.

I stared at the ceiling, wide awake, mind whirling, as I heard Jonah’s breathing eventually fall into a steady rhythm and his soft snores started to fill the quiet hotel room. Sleep felt nice. I envied him a little. I was exhausted but I was not tired in the slightest. The bed felt terribly empty.

I hadn’t slept alone in a long time. Well, not counting the few times Avalon made me sleep on the couch.

I didn’t want to waste one more moment when I could be figuring out how to prove my innocence in this situation that seemed to turn against me so quickly. How could I have been so stupid as to forget to wipe down the piano? The prints were all over the damn place. I was only hoping that whoever was behind this was at least a fraction of as stupid as I was and left some sort of trace behind for the detective team.

With Jonah fast asleep, I slunk quietly out of bed and over to the desk across the room. I turned on the small lamp to light up the corner and sat down with the hotel paper and pen to try and collect my thoughts. The silence of the night was eery and I couldn’t get my mind away from the thought of my wife’s dead body just beyond the thin wall across the room from me. With the paper left blank, I got up from the desk and grabbed my laptop bag from beside the wall, pulling out my phone as well as Avalon’s to search through.

The bathroom was dark and if I listened hard enough I could hear the faint cracking of the melting ice that filled the tub. My heart was beating hard in my chest with nervousness as my hand hovered over the light switch. I felt just as nervous as I had the day I asked her to marry me but now, I was nervous for a whole other reason. I hated nothing more than seeing her like this.

I turned on the light and stalked over to the side of the tub. Her eyes were still closed, and she still looked peaceful and yet a terrifyingly pale.

“Hey, honey.” I spoke softly as if she could hear me. As if it would make this any easier.

I brushed my hand hesitantly over her tangled hair and angled her phone towards her face. The screen unlocked. I hurried to change the setting to keep her phone from locking again before leaning down towards her habitually. I froze a few centimeters from her head but still managed to work up enough nerve to press a gentle kiss to her temple.

Back at the desk in the hotel room, under the light of the single table lamp, I laid out Avalon’s phone, my phone, and the blank pad of paper in front of me. I copied Jonah’s idea with writing each name at the top of the sheet. I started with Jack.

Motives:

-She was the reason he can’t see his daughter

-She was the reason he was evicted

-She was the reason his business flopped

-Revenge

-Knows the human body, has a collection of scissors and blades

-Has been to our house

I moved onto Zach.

Motives:

-We took away something important to him, so he could want to do the same back

-Wanted to hurt me

-Knows his way around knifework

-Knows our address

-Seems to have no remorse or empathy for human life

I hovered my pen over the paper for a moment, re-reading my notes so far. I set the pen down and picked up Avalon’s phone to go into her messages. I found Christian’s contact and opened the message thread, seeing only a bunch of unanswered texts from him from just before the wedding to even during our honeymoon. Things such as:

Stay away from Daniel.

Going through with this wedding will be the last thing you will ever do; I swear to God.

I refuse to let you fuck up his life anymore.

You and I need to have a serious talk when you guys get home. I’m not going to tolerate your whiny bullshit about his career just because he’s successful and you’re not.

I set her phone face down on the desk with a shaky inhale, stunned to silence with the few messages I had read. I knew my brother had a dislike for Avalon but calling her out and sending her aggressive texts was a level I didn’t think he would stoop to. And the fact that she didn’t think she could trust me or confide in me enough to tell me what he was saying to her hurt even more.

The pen glided itself across the paper, spelling out Christian’s name under Zach’s list of motives. I continued the list for my own brother:

Motives:

-Strange hatred for her

-Aggressive and threatening texts

-Clingy in regard to my whereabouts consistently

-Gifted the knives to us and knew where they were

I clicked the pen closed as I scanned the list of three names again. Honestly, I was more than relieved I didn’t have to write my own name but this was far from over. I wasn’t safe until someone came clean…or I forced the truth out of them.

The warm light of the desk lamp glinted off the gold band around my left-hand ring finger. I slid the ring off gently and it came off with ease since it hadn’t been on very long at all. The light reflected along the metal and I turned it over in my hand to see the engraving on the inside, dated with 25/07/20 and her name in soft curling letters beside it. Avalon. My one true love ripped from my hands before I even had a moment to truly appreciate what I had. It’s true, dear reader; you really do not know what you have until it is gone.

I fell asleep at the desk while rereading my list for the nth time, the exhaustion from the day having finally caught up to me. The wedding ring stayed clutched in my hand.

Detective Team: @jonahlovescoffee​ @randomlimelightxxx​ @stuffofseaveyy​ @hopinglimelight​ @tempus-ut-luceant​ @br4nd1s​ @xkelsev​ @hiya-its-amber​ @sexyseavey15​ @the-girl-who-cried-wolf​