#I made them for an english assessment and im now in love

[soracities]

Re: that anon who thinks kids are evil

I'm really sorry that anon went through a tough time during childhood (and I did too, being bullied at school and abused at home) but kids aren't fundamentally evil. They're IMPRESSIONABLE. which is incredibly different. They like imitating adults around them, and so when they are surrounded by terrible, mean adults, they act terrible and mean towards themselves & their peers too. It was apparent that anon was surrounded by adults who weren't nice and didn't do their job of educating those kids (including offering anon support), which is really sad.

But regardless of that, kids simply learn from people around them and they can be, and most often are, sweet and nice. and most importantly, even if they aren't sweet or nice, they are deserving of love and compassion and respect and affection, because only with that can we cultivate and nurture the sweet & kind side in their soul.

I feel like if anon felt alienated for being different, they should especially beware of such generalizing rhetoric of "all kids are [insert adjective]" because that's the exact kind of speech that isolates and alienates kids who act different. And I wonder if anon realizes that it was their abuser's language that's coming out of their mouth.

(source: im an educator and ive never known a kid who's not sweet and lovable to me)

(cont'd) also, kind of unrelated but it made me think of this absolutely heartbreaking, sweet kid that I met on Tuesday during a visit to a kindergarten. I was supposed to go to different kindergartens to evaluate their teaching and give consultations, and a part of what I need to do is this one-on-one language assessment with the kids (age five and their mother tongue isn't english). So there was this girl, whose first words after sitting down was "I don't know any English." And I was like haha it's alright! Let's just try and see how much you know, then we can see where you can practice more on! And she went "okay >_<" (rather earnestly, like she didn't say she doesn't know shit because she didn't want to try) So we did a task, and she scored above average so I was like "You did really well! Why did you say you don't know anything?" and she went "But I still got two wrong :(" which was like, wtf girl who fucked up your self-esteem?? Kindergarten aged kids should feel like they're the coolest smartest shit in the world!! Like I was already ready to fight for her at this point okay Anyways I said "it's alright, now you know where you can work on!" and did another task with her, which she also did pretty well in So I tried to tell her some cliche encouragement like "sometimes we feel like we don't know anything because we feel scared, but when we be brave and try things out, usually we know a lot more than we thought we could! Just like you right now, look at how well you did! So please believe in yourself more" And this little girl deadass looked me in the eye and told me, very sincerely, "because mommy doesn't believe in herself, so I don't believe in myself either :(" I controlled my face, but internally my jaw was on the fking floor and I was screaming crying pulling my hair out. I was so HEARTBROKEN. Like I need to talk to that woman coz what did you do to your kid?? What did you project on her?? And this kid is so smart?? She is so self-aware like she is able observe her mother's emotions & understand her mentality and THEN recognize how her mother's mentality shapes her own?? Honestly, I don't think the majority of people at my age right noweven realize how others' mentality relate to their own. And she is able to articulate all that! Which just makes her statement extra sad, because she is so so smart and observant but she believes she doesn't know anything and that she is bad at school, which is fucking WRONG And I was just so fking devastated!! I want to hug her I want to adopt her I want to fix everything for her but I don't know how I could ever do that. I am not even her teacher, I'm just a nobody who comes once a month for some dumb observations and just, I don't have the ability to do anything significant enough. I tried my best to smile and said "oh no... but you said you think mommy is smart right? she just doesn't know that herself! and I think you are also very good, so you need to remember it for me okay?" and she was like ok >< Then I went home and cried for an hour cause I just feel so... powerless and like what am I doing?? What can I even do to change things for her and kids like her?? When and how will I ever be enough to make her feel happy and brilliant and innocent and no need to act so mature??? Kids are my soft spot and I don't think I will ever cease to feel heartbroken for them. They are so precious and trusting and loving yet so many adults just... betray that trust and abuse that love. And it is so easy to break them but so hard to build them back up, which is simply unfair. Anyways sorry for the venting (sort of) I just want to pour these out because I love kids so much and I want to hug them all and they are so precious and lovable and incredible. I guess my point is just please love and be kind to the kids you know and encounter cause you don't want to fuck them up and not to mention how could you feel anything but adoration when you interact with them

oh my God..................please don't apologize, I'm so, so grateful you took the time to write and share this because I could not agree with you more. I think people really don't seem to understand the depth to which children understand and interpret and process things and it is truly one of the most illuminating and profoundly humbing things to witness and be part of. For what it's worth I think your presence and your conversation absolutely meant something to that little girl and I believe it makes a difference to have validation like that, even just for a day 💗 The kids you work with are very lucky to have someone who cares so deeply about their wellbeing and, heartbreaking as I know it can be, I hope you don't forget that 💗

[freshmanyearhistoryteacher]

hello i just found your blog and this is exactly what i was hoping for my blog omg i love it sm ,,,

can i possibly request a male english teacher with a breeding kink? i just want to get knocked up by an older man it hurts so bad ,,, student can be female or nb either is fine <33

UNFINISHED im sorry im so sick rn it hurts to exist. Also I've literally got such a back up of requests this user doesn't even have an account anymore 💀 💀  I hope they see it tho lmfao

Warning, contains:

mentions of how creepy the dynamic is

pet names

no sex surprisingly

Word count: 1, 530

It was an odd day. The weather hadn't been annoyingly warm nor bone chillingly cool. Classes seemed to fade past without the constant dragging of time usually accompanying them despite the final exams which crawled ever closer. She sat at the back of the class, though only a few chairs were still filled as the option of a "study break" had been offered to those already finished with assigned course work, with her hair tied back and pen scribbling across half filled paper. Three books balanced on the corner of her desk, the cover held down with a collection of pens which she rotated through as she changed from topic to topic and attempted a system of colour coding doomed to fail the second she left the class.

From the front of the room her teacher watched. He would have, if he'd been able to, spared more thought to the fact that it was very obvious that his eyes had not left her, but he was too transfixed to look away. It was the way short wisps of her hair blew in the breeze of the fan left on at the front of the class and the way she tapped her pen between questions. It was wrong. So awfully wrong. But he couldn't stop the itching that covered his skin and the flush that it bought to his cheeks. fuck, he thought, he should have worn looser pants today. But even the thought of having to pre-plan his outfits just for her made his skin itch more. He shifted his eyes to his desk, pretending to read an assessment by some lower grade student he couldn't remember the name of. He wanted… needed to touch her. It wasn't fair that she got to sit there, biting her perfect round lips, and he was forced to stay here. This was infuriating. He felt helpless, needy… out of control. He needed to make her his, needed to prove that he could. He scratched the stubble on his chin. He had often thought about how she felt about him, if she shared the same sentiment. The blushing glances and embarrassed brushes of hands as tests were handed out sure seemed to suggest she did. Even the way her friends stared at her every time he walked past in the hall made his heart stammer with pride. He glanced up from the desk and met her eyes, which widened and shot back down to the paper in front of her as she searched for where she had been last writing desperately. He smirked softly, glancing back down at his desk as well, only to feel her eyes once again return to him. Only after a torturous amount of time did the bell ring. Leaving enough time for him to desperately wonder what she had been thinking and how much of her work had been done in order to only seem busy whilst staring at him instead of truly caring for the classes. And exactly enough time for her to debate if he even cared or if her friends were correct in their assumption that the obsession was entirely one sided from her.

The room emptied yet she had not moved and he now waited standing near the door. The old wood slipped from his hands and clicked shut softly, causing her eyes to flicker up in the middle of her sentence but quickly move back down. Her heart was beating a million miles an hour, her skin flushed, and her mind racing. She had planned to stay, and now she was here, and she was so unsure of herself. It was fooling to think he would want her but… He hadn't suggested she leave, in fact he was just looking at her with his head tilted to the side. She watched as he ran a seemingly frustrated hand through his hair and her anxiety spiked. Would he kick her out? Would he allow her to stay but leave himself? Would he stay with her?… Would he let her talk to him? Hug him? Do much much more than just that? A shiver crept over her skin. He pressed a hand to the door and she was sure he was about to swing it back open and demand she go home, yet he only seemed to ensure that it had closed and take a step forwards. He was moving slowly, cautiously, as if she was an animal to be scared. "Nothing is wrong," she blurting in fear that he had thought her staying was only at the benefit of cramming more study in. he smiled softly and nodded. "I'm glad," he said, tone low and barely above a whisper. He seemed so gentle and it confused her. He hadn't been a necessarily mean teacher, though she had only had him for this year where senior students were granted more leniency than others, but it seemed odd and it was her turn to tilt her head. It seemed as though their expressions took turns, each filtering between flustered and poorly hiding it, and curious as to the intentions of the other.

"What are you doing?" She asked in a small voice as he reached her desk. Her pens were still spread across the desk and her books, pages a mess, and phone thrown to the side. But he didn't respond. He stopped when he stood directly beside her, only half a step from disappearing from her sight as she remained staring forwards. He kept his eyes fixed on the back wall covered in work and posters. "I've been curious," he began. "How have you…" he seemed to reconsider his question before continuing, "enjoyed this class so far?" She turned her head to him, seeing mainly the lower area of his shirt which tucked into his pants unevenly. She blushed despite the so far, however strange, still formal nature of their conversation and layers of clothes between her face and his skin. "it's been good, I guess," she said and then stumbled to correct. "I've really liked it, I meant." He chuckled slightly and nodded. He leant back on his heels, shifting his weight awkwardly before tilting his head to the roof. An exasperated laugh escaped his lips. "It is final year english, there is only so much I can teach you that you would not already have known." She forced a small laugh but concern washed over her face. "Are you ok?" she asked and he grunted, still staring at the ceiling. He hummed and turned towards her desk, her face nearly brushing with his stomach from how close he had managed to position himself. His hands came to rest on her desk and his feet stepped back and he leant down to her. "I'm great, really just.." he was talking through gritted teeth, "really great." He stood up again, remaining further away this time. "And you I imagine aregood, perfectly good. Had class today, decided to stay back now for some extra study I am no doubt interrupting." She lurched forward with her hand to interrupt in fear of her presence being diminished to a simple study session alone. "No!" He met her eyes. "No!" She blushed, "No." She swallowed the ball in her throat. "I didn't stay to study… at least not alone." He hummed again, hands in his pockets and weight shifting around anxiously. Yet, his face was nearly predatory in contrast to the unsure posture. "Then what?" He asked, pupils dilating. "I was hoping," she paused. What had she been hoping for? Did she really expect him to want her like that? He was her teacher and he knew better… she was nobody to him. "Just to see… my grade?" Even to her own ears she sounded unsure and his body seemed to flicker between smug amusement and uncertainty. "Ok," he said as he turned his head away. "I can show you if you really want but you've passed every assessment with flying colours I mean. You really aren't worried about your grades right?" She nodded her head yet they both knew she had nothing to be concerned with.

He crossed the classroom space in as few steps as possible, his head bursting with confusion. Why did she stay then? Did she actually care so much about her grade? Why was that cute to him? Did she not want him like that? Had he been the creep he had been so afraid to be? His hand connected with the cold case of his laptop and he returned just as fast to her desk. He found her grades within seconds and presented them to her on her desk, Clearing a few of the papers out of his way first. "You haven't dipped below a 70 all year I mean," he seemed confused and she blushed harder. His breath was hot on her ear from how close he had learnt in but he seemed entirely unaware of it. She could smell the caffeine on his breath and faded cologne on his neck. It made her dizzy in a way which made her body pulse with excitement. She wondered if he could smell her too?

[awesamkiller]

Walk With Me?

The song I listened to while writing

Warnings: nothing, unless you have an aversion to lesbians, trans men, mobility issues or deafness. 

Genre(s): Fluff! Pride!

Word Count: 922

I request: You to tell me how I did! I’ve never really written a darker skinned character, but the prompt said to have people from EXTREMELY DIVERSE backgrounds. The girls got a mobility issue, is white, lives in the shitty part of town, the boys deaf, POC, and lives on the nice side of town. They’re united by pride and pride alone, at least until they learn more about each other!

The bus was loud. It was bustling with teenagers to old folk, some of which were indeed silent as you would expect of public transport. But with the day's destination, she could see why everyone was so bubbly and excited. She heard a yell behind her as the doors closed and she paid the fare, the cheapest ticket for her money. Sure, a return ticket limited her a little bit more than just paying a different ticket to get home whenever she wanted to go home, but let’s be honest, it’s cheaper this way. The bus was alive and buzzing like a raw wire, and, short ginger hair was carded and combed by the busses air-conditioner, she could absorb the energy. The front row of seats was fuzzy and a little less worn-looking than the others as her body was not-so-gracefully dropped into it by her legs. The air circling passengers' ankles was cold and refreshing in the burning summer heat that poured through the glass, and many had colourful layers exacerbating the temperature. Some had flags over their shoulders, some had hilariously unfashionable, garish rainbow cardigans or pink and orange striped long socks, but rest assured everyone was colourful and a little warmer than your average Shelly and her shorts-and-tank top combo.

Closed eyes shielded her for most of the drive as she absentmindedly spun her walking stick between her palms, feeling the colourful electric tape she had decorated the wood with, the bright stripes easily visible in her mind.

The bus was loud. It was bustling with teenagers to old folk, some of which were indeed silent as you would expect of public transport. But with the day's destination, he could see why everyone bounced and babbled like it was a gossip over the garden fence, he should have heard a sweet call of a mother to her child behind him as he boarded, and bought whichever ticket gave him the most flexibility. He felt warm in his green shirt and cargo trousers (Emblazoned with reflective ST. JOHNS AMBULANCE in many places, as ever). It was loud, he spoke in his mind, or at least, it looked to be loud. The bus, to him, was near silent. He heard the bang of an exhaust outside just about, as he took the last remaining seat by a woman looking to be near napping in the heat of the window. He noted, as his bare, caramel skinned arm felt the seat behind him, that these chairs were a little fuzzier, fibres less compressed, the chair in general a little less used. He put his hand on the orange bar in front of him as he shuffled himself back in his seat and bent down to a problem he’d discovered just before boarding the vehicle.

His shoelace was untied. It almost resulted in some scraped hands and ALMOST cost him his hearing aid. If he’d have tripped as he put it in (having a house by the bus-stop is so helpful, sometimes) it would have easily scuttled to, and down the drain like a red skipped pebble. He felt the shoelaces as he tied them. They felt strange on the light skin of his fingertips, the pattern on them forcing them to be flat rather than round, the rainbow stripes were thin, incredibly so, but it was still evident it was a rainbow. Another bright pop on the already bright outfit was the pink blue and white stripes on his pride month epaulets. Sure, they cost a little, and sure he didn’t have to buy them, but pride is good! Pride got the rights they have today, and it’s one of the major reasons that he was able to push testosterone into his body through a needle that morning. He tilted his head back onto the handle that adorned the back of his chair, and closed his eyes with a loose smile, the world around him fading away as he did until it was nothing. He was awake, but all he could really do like this was smell, and the world is a lot more complex than the overwhelming scent of sunscreen around him. He felt the tiny bun of hair on the back of his head catch on the handle slightly before he settled.

Two people woke up from a sun-beaten daze when a set of hands bopped them on their heads. The person behind them left the bus as they both jolted upright like they’d been electric shocked. They watched the bisexual-flag caped stranger bounce off the bus before looking to the person besides them. It was like a funhouse mirror. Two evidently different people with the exact same expression. One had much more textured, darker hair and the other was pale as a bottle of milk. One had caramel, medium coloured skin, while the other had fiery ginger curls in a loose pixie cut.

But both looked like they’d just been struck by lightning, and both found the others expression INCREDIBLY funny. So they laughed. They laughed and they laughed, they laughed as he shuffled to let his new acquaintance out, they laughed as they walked past the driver and thanked him, and they laughed as she clocked onto the red plastic hooked over his ear. He was about to walk away as she raised her hands before her, holding her stick between crossed legs, and signed.

“I’m Emma! What’s your name?”

“I’m Michael. You’re going to pride?”

“Of course! And you?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for anything. Walk with me?”

[kanmom51]

hi, genuinely curious, why do you think you know so much about bts’s personal lives? like just shipping real people in general that you don’t now personally, bc i saw some of ur posts(not just u, a LOT of others seem to think the same) and i’m confused like how do you know all that from a video/photo?

Ask 2:  hi i think i might have sounded rude in my last anon and im so so sorry if i did, i don’t mean to sound mean but english isn’t my first language and i don’t now how else to write it.

What i mean is i just can’t see it, but so many ppl including you seem convinced jimin and jungkook are a couple? i now there’s probably something i’m missing that’s obvious to everyone else bc to me they just seem like really good and close friends, so like what is it that you think makes it obvious?? (again i’m just genuinely curious abt this pls don’t take it the wrong way 💜)

I’m not clairvoyant and don’t claim to know what goes on behind closed doors.  I have said time and time again that we have no way of knowing what goes on when the cameras are off or when they are in private, unless they tell us.

I do speculate sometimes and make assumptions based on the content I’ve seen, but always original content, and not edited clips.  

I have also made it clear every single time that these are my opinions and conclusions, take them or leave them.

There is a ton of BTS content out there to go through, which includes, just as an example (because there is so much more):  Run BTS episodes, interviews (video, written and radio), member Tweets, memories, Bon Voyage, packages (summer, winter), Bangtan bombs, fan meets, Musters, concerts etc.

You need to watch original content, because, and it saddens me to say this, there is some Jikook YT content that is distorted, edited, slow motioned to fit the story, and not all of it is ‘real’ in the sense, that if you see the original content, see the true moment within it’s context and in real speed, well, it isn’t a ‘real’ moment.  I have called out some of those moments in the past.

But there are things you can’t fake.  

There a several moments that solidified for me the special connection between JK & JM.  

Watch original content over the years and you will see there is something special between those two, a special and strong connection.  JK clearly finds JM as someone he can confide in and someone that can calm him or console him in times of need.  He has said it in interviews and we have seen him do so in the content out there.

JM is JK’s anchor.  His safe place.

JK is JM’s happy place.  When JM is down JK is the one who knows how to cheer him up.  Even Jin had mentioned it once in an interview.

JK is JM’s protector in sorts.  We’ve seen them at the airports, we’ve seen him carry JM after concerts.

They are super close.  We know they constantly choose to travel together in the same car (when every member has their own car and they are the only ones together)...  They choose spend ‘off time’ together - bowling, going to watch a movie, ice skating with each other.  JK himself told us in BV4 that the only members he sae during their time off were JM & Hobi.  They are just super close.

So what made me make the one step further and conclude they are romantically involved?

There are several things that pushed me over the edge.  Some of them are:

First, the content, again.  There is content out there that is way beyond “we are very close platonic friends”.  Things they say or do in front of the camera that give you so much “we are a couple” vibe. 

There is content that makes you feel like you are intruding on a very intimate private moment: 

MAMA 2018 is one of them.  I can’t say one, because there are so many moments there that are “WOW, what’s going on here?”

Rose Bowl is also such a moment that is as clear as day, with no acceptable logical explanation other than: “there is something more between those two”.  

Those are only 2 examples, but there are many more such moments, where the intimacy level is way more than even the best platonic friendship out there.

You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to put 1 & 1 together here.  These moments are loud and clear.

There are the more subtle moments too, those that add up on you, those that if you will look at each of them by themselves you would say: “yeah, nothing here”, but when you put them together, another one and another one and another one, well the conclusion is pretty much clear.

It’s JM’s Tweets, their matching clothing over the years, their choice to spend time together, their private trip, GCFT, JK’s choice to put JM front and center in all his other GCF’s, the way they look at each other, the way they talk about each other, the two very famous lives from 2016 (Tae’s & Hobi’s), their own lives (OMG), things JM tells us (like waking up and seeing JK is what makes him happy these days), “you are me I am you”,  the way they touch, especially during the first few years (2016-2018), those hesitant light touches & brushes (if skinship is not an issue here, why do they hesitate so much to touch each other??? when they have no problem doing so with the others, all when we do know just how close they are), the way they talk to each other, they way JK lets JM get away with shit, while he doesn’t the other members, the way JK drops honorifics with JM +++++ so much more.

There another couple of independent points that helped to push me over the edge too.  

The first is the other members reactions when JK & JM go on with their shenanigans.  RM, Hobi, Jin, Suga & Tae all react differently, each and every one of them has a tell.  Suga and Tae go blank many times.  Jin lowers his head.  Hobi either had a worried look on his face or a big fat smile, and RM, well he’s the most obvious out of the lot.  It’s facial expressions, uneasy movement, fisting his thighs, looking to Hobi or Suga with pleading eyes, running to the two thinking he might have to defuse a moment, separating the two when he feels it’s needed.  It’s all that and then some.  Now if there is nothing ‘more’ going on between those two, why is all of that even necessary???  Those two’s interactions on camera just make the rest of the group nervous, especially RM.  Ask yourself the question: why??  

Another thing I keep asking myself is, if these two are clearly super close, why is there a constant need to downplay their closeness?  This is something that is done by BTS and BH as well as the fandom.  And I find it hard to understand, again, if there is nothing extra going on between them, why downplay them.  You may disagree with me on this, but to me it seems they are way closer than JM & Tae, but they are called ‘soulmates’ while JK & JM are ‘nothing’? It’s like they are there, and it’s clear as day just how close they are, but it’s not a subject they are allowed to talk about.  And the way the fandom is as much as ignoring it also raises so many questions for me.  If this is an innocent platonic close friendship, why ignore it?  How come the fandom isn’t celebrating it? 

Thing is, that not only does the fandom ignore their connection, they are being hated for it.  The level of anti and hatred  out there towards them is unbelievable.  And yet again, that raises the question of why?  If nothing is going on there why such anti towards those two, together, in particular?

At the end of the day, I guess life experience is probably what helps me out here.  I have been around for a while, experienced love and heartbreak, and also a long term relationship. I know the signs, you could say.  It helps being able to assess a situation and read into it.  

It’s ok to question yourself.  I do so constantly.  I watch and re-watch content.  I read interviews, I question my logic, my conclusions.  I, just like any normal person, do have self doubt at times.  Believe me, I would not have written what I have before checking and re-checking myself.  And still, these are my conclusions.  I believe that JK & JM are not only super close, but also romantically involved.  There you have it.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

yknow while this hellsite continues on the whole religion discussion thing, i’d like to jump in on it with my experience particularly with leaving catholic school.

like aside from my angsty pop-punk/emo etc teen phase (which’ll obvs be weaved into story later on) that led me to have different views from the church and aside from the whole sexism thing that i endured over my year 10 formal/junior prom in 2010 and 2011 from staff there….. i found it within myself incredibly hard to leave there… mostly because i’d known literally 1/3 of my year group at catholic school since kindy/kindergarten or some other point in primary school.

this affected my choice to leave and it was quite tumultuous inwardly. knowing the safety and predictably of the people i was with for all those years was a comfort to me. i knew their parents due to parent mixer bbqs that we’d have after mother’s day and father’s day liturgies- although i hated the mother’s day ones mostly, due to personal reasons. but to leave that comfortable place for overly loyal, kinda sorta shy (although everyone who knew me at that school wouldn’t’ve described me as shy bc i was a very loud show off because of drama class 😅) and by year 10, very lonely, highly socially anxious and depressed, teen me was terrifying. it meant losing her friends and stability and she obvs hated that thought. it meant leaving the one one place she ever felt good at something, drama class.

obviously, after she did leave for public school, she visited the catholic school on a few separate occasions, to try and keep the connection “alive” or whatever the fuck she wrote in a fake deep status on her fb (that i now get in my fb memories every year lmao). but it all ended pretty badly, when everyone from that school stopped talking to her once high school finished. no one invited her out. or if people did try to invite her out, like a couple of people did, it always fell through…. and it made her feel like she was just a bad luck charm or whatever other low self esteem talk she was telling herself. there was quite a few moody statuses around that too lmao.

but yeah. leaving catholic school was a massive thing for me back then, because even though i hadn’t gone to church on sunday for literal Y E A R S at that point; i still had a strong pull to that school because i’d known SO MANY kids at that school from primary/elementary/grade etc school, regardless of their year group level. because if there’s one thing catholic school was good at, it was networking 😂. you knew everyone, and everyone knew you. it was safe, it was sound, so i didn’t want to leave.

but once you leave, you lose your friends and what almost felt like an extended family (although they obvs weren’t). but at the same time, i’d grown to hate the safety and almost insularity of the school, because as i mentioned earlier, you felt like you could predict how people would react or behave in class/events etc.

i felt the above distinctly, because as i’ve mentioned plenty on here, from years 7-10 i was a very emotionally demonstrative kid. in some classes (mostly religion and PE when i was bothered to participate) i’d end up in shouting matches with the teacher or other students…. or y’know just have a casual meltdown in the middle of class, which many people saw as “attention seeking” behaviour. i felt watched, i felt ready to snap, and to quote the ever present All Time Low i felt like the bridge lyrics from “therapy” (which was/is quite obviously somewhat partially about the price of fame and hollywood imo- but that went over teen me’s head at the time lmao):

“arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to, they’re better off without you (better off without you). arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to, they’ll fall asleep without you; you’re lucky if your memory remains”

like yes. i’ll admit those bridge lyrics being applied to this time is rather overdramatic, in hindsight, but hey. that was teen me for ya lmao. and don’t even get me started on applying ATL’s song “sick little games” to this at the time as well 😂😅. anyway. from all the “lms and i’ll tell you what i like about you” trend statuses that people were doing back then on fb, i’d gained the tag of “cool/chill girl”, my crush rich boy, once called me “outrageous” because of how loud i was and how willing in years 7-9 to scream out stupid song lyrics like “i want to fuck dog in the ass” by blink 182, fight song by marilyn manson and then idek probably my humps by black eyed peas at the top my lungs through the very few halls that that school had 😂😅. i was being purposely and annoyingly offensive most of the time.

but eventually, once it came to things like one of the girls in my group wanting to run for vice school captain and the other girls in my group A L W A Y S being given leadership positions (LPs)….. while i always had to apparently “repent” my behaviour by being made (in theory from my teachers) to sit alone at lunch because of my “embarrassing” and “unseemly” behaviour at the so-called “training”/ “retreat” days we had for things like being peer support leaders for the new cohort of year 7s etc etc. i felt like everyone was just waiting for me to leave…. and that they couldn’t stand my “embarrassing” presence and that i’d ruin my friends chances of being selected as co-captain or whatever other bullshit LPs they wanted to run for. but still. i felt like i couldn’t leave. just. how do you leave a bunch of people that you’ve known for so long???

and even when my teachers were nice enough to give me a chance in a leadership position once; in that dastardly bullshit internet safety workshop thing that they should’ve literally just hired a professional workshop co. to do….. but to save money they used students in my year group instead. so, instead of being marked by my teachers on this program; i was marked by the catholic education office. they had a lady come in from the ceo to judge/mark us while presenting…… and this lady went off at teen me for “not being professional, responsible and respectful” or whatever the fuck the woman told 15/16yo me…. which teen me then fired back with “i don’t have to be fucking professional and responsible!!!! IM FUCKING 15!!!!”.. so from then on i was never given an LP or any other type of “peer support” role against my friends who were littered with offers for them. mind you, i did call a whole room of 14 year olds “a bunch of cunts” or the like and then stormed out thinking that i’d made a solid point, so the CEO woman had a good reason 😂😅….. again in hindsight.

of course there was also the bitterness of teen me being angry at the english dept for not giving her a spot in the top class of english in her half of the year. but as i’ve said previously on other posts, i’ve forgiven this because i did essentially fail one shakespeare in class assessment in year 8 or year 9 😂. but i strongly felt this during my time at catholic school bc my friends believed that i should’ve been in the top english class too lmao.

but aside from those troubles and foibles, i still found it incredibly hard to leave. to leave the perceived closeness of that group of girls, who would sometimes walk me down to the office and sit with me in “purple room” while i waited for the teacher that had to act as my therapist almost lmao. even though i always told my friends to leave me be and go back to class bc i felt bad about dragging them out of class for so long.

but yeah. with all the above behaviour, the song lyrics to me at the time made sense bc teen me just felt so pressured to fit into the whole “funny, cool, outrageous girl” bs box that people had put her in…. but at the same time she wanted to escape it bc she was just *flyleaf voice* SO SICK of being laughed at instead of laughed with (atl weightless reference here kids) just because… like she DESERVED to be taken seriously for fucks sake, and not a be a “monkey do funny dance” person… she obvs felt this the most in drama class. where in the shakespeare unit, she picked a medley of romeo and juliet and taming of the shrew monologues to do for her monologue. although she nearly did lady macbeth throwing herself off the tower, to be hella edgy…. but she opted not to do that in the end. but she picked serious pieces bc she was sick and tired of being classed as the one trick pony go-to funny person.

okay. this really went off topic. but y’all get the point??? the decision of leaving catholic school was a hell of a ride for little 14-16yo me. it was confusing, terrifying and tied up in years of being overly judged and feeling like people wanted me to leave bc they were sick of me. it was tied up in years of mid-class meltdowns that had become kind of routine for me to have, and that people were just brushing me off as “attention seeking”…. but also ironically waiting for me to snap at any second for another wild shouting match or walkout; which would then make me look like i was “unruly” or “untameable/unmanageable” or whatever the fuck….. but i couldn’t take that anymore, for the final senior years. i HAD to leave it.

again it was hard to leave for loyal little teen me, despite how lonely and isolated she felt. why leave your friends when you’re comfortable??? but also: why stay in this toxic environment where people are just waiting for you to either shut the fuck up and put up with it or just blow up and absolutely lose your shit??? that’s just unhealthy asf. and the only unruly thing that’s happening here is the complete lack of mental health help or management in the aussie education system; but most especially in religious schools.

[livesincerely]

it’s so easy (too easy) to love you, ch. 1

Also on Ao3

00000

Davey’s just gotten out of class—literally just walked out the door—when his phone starts ringing.

“Davey,” Tony says the moment he answers, not even giving Davey time to say hello, “can you swing by the apartment real quick?”

Davey sighs. “Are you locked out of the house again?”

There’s a guilty silence. Then, “Or maybe I just wanna see you, huh? You don’t know.”

“Tony.”

“Charlie’s the one that lost the spare,” Tony capitulates immediately, there’s an indignant “Hey!” somewhere in the background, “and I left my keys in my locker ‘cause I thought Charlie had his—”

There’s a scuffle of noise, then Charlie’s voice breaks in, “—don’t listen to him Davey, I asked him before we even got on the subway if he had his keys and he said he did but he didn’t even check—”

“—well, I thought you had yours, didn’t I?—”

“—and he was twenty minutes late picking me up from band practice because he was too busy making out with Spot Conlon to come help me carry my stuff—”

“—that was supposed to be a secret you little shit!”

“—you started it!”

Davey pulls the phone away from his ear as the other side of the line descends into a mess of indistinct yelling. He thinks about trying to get their attention, but he decides to just start heading towards the apartment, muting his side of the call while he waits them out—they’ll remember him eventually.

In the meantime, Davey sends a quick text:

Tony and Charlie locked themselves out of the house again

He’s not expecting a response, but Jack must be in-between projects because he gets one almost immediately.

jc again?

And you’re going to have to get a new spare made

fuck okay i’ll take care of it. are you heading over?

I’m walking there now

ur the light of my life dave

Davey can’t help but smile at this, a soft feeling fluttering in his chest. Before he can write back, Jack sends another text:

how did ur midterm go?

I feel good about it! Def did better than I thought it would!

duh youve been living in the library all week ofc ur gonna do great. ill swing by the grocery omw home and pick up some ice cream to celebrate. do we need anything else while im there?

Get a bell pepper and some tomato paste, I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner. And we need more laundry detergent.

fuck yes im starving! can we do garlic bread too?

Come home on time and we’ll see.

u drive a hard bargain. kerian owes me a favor so he can stay late tonight lol

“Davey?” The sound of Charlie’s voice, tinny and muffled, prompts Davey to lift his phone back to his ear; it seems like he might’ve been calling Davey’s name for a while. “Are you still there?”

“I’m still here,” Davey confirms.

“So are ya comin’ or what?” Tony cuts in, ever impatient. “I’m roasting out here!”

“Well, I was thinking about leaving you to ruminate on your poor life choices,” Davey responds dryly, “but I guess I can come let you in, since you asked so nicely.”

“Thanks, Davey,” Charlie says.

“I’ll be there soon,” Davey confirms.

“Hurry, will ya? Much longer and I’m gonna get heatstroke and die,” Tony declares.

Davey rolls his eyes. “Goodbye, Tony.”

00000

When he arrives at Jack’s building some twenty minutes later, Davey finds Tony and Charlie right where he expects them: crowded together in the little bit of shade the roof’s overhang offers, wearing identical grumpy expressions that brighten immediately when they spot him approaching.

"Finally!" Tony exclaims, shooting to his feet. "What took you so long?"

“Stop losing your keys and you won’t have to wait for me,” Davey counters, slotting his key into the deadbolt and hefting open the heavy exterior door. He props it open with his hip and lets Tony and Charlie scurry past him into the AC. “You couldn’t get anyone to buzz you in?”

“Old Man Davis hasn’t gotten his hearing aid replaced yet,” Charlie explains as they climb the stairs up to the second floor, “and Mrs. Ikeda isn’t home.”

“She joined a new book club,” Tony adds. “She won’t be back till late.”

“Oh, I’ll have to ask her about it when I see her next,” Davey muses.

He gets the apartment door unlocked and the boys pile inside, tossing their backpacks down with dramatic groans of relief.  Charlie makes a beeline for his bedroom; Davey expects Tony to do the same but he takes a seat at the kitchen table instead, booting up his laptop with a couple of keystrokes.

“I’ve got a paper due in English tomorrow,” Tony explains. “Can you look it over once it’s finished? Maybe later this evening”

“Of course,” Davey replies. “What’s it on?”

“Lord of the Flies.”

Davey’s nose wrinkles up. “Oh, I hated that one. What’s the essay prompt?”

“Identify Golding’s argument about human nature as proposed in Lord of the Flies,” Tony reads off the top of the assignment outline. “Then make an argument agreeing or disagreeing with his assessment, using evidence from the text.”

Davey rolls his eyes. “Good to see that high school literature classes haven’t changed much in the last few years,” he says with a sigh. “How much have you written so far?”

“Oh, I haven’t even started it yet,” Tony casually rebuts.

“Is everything going okay?” Davey asks, frowning slightly. “If things are getting worse we can make an appointment—”

But Tony waives his concerns aside. “Nah, this is regular old procrastination, not ADHD procrastination. Like ya said, Lord of the Flies sucks ass, so I just didn’t want to write it.”

“Well, let one of us know if you start having trouble,” Davey says.

"Okay, mom,” Tony agrees, somewhat distracted. He’s already got a blank document pulled up on his laptop, a battered and thoroughly dog-eared copy of the book laying open beside him.

Davey looks at him for another moment, then he shrugs and continues making his way into the kitchen—he figures there’s no need to worry unless Racer starts actually missing assignments. And he’s right: Lord of the Flies does suck ass.

By the time Jack gets home they’re each fully entrenched in different activities: Davey’s washed a sink full of dishes and is working on drying the last few pieces of silverware, Tony is still posted up at the kitchen table, carefully hammering out a draft of his paper, and there are the familiar sounds of Charlie working through different musical scales on his oboe in the back bedroom.

“Honey, I’m home!” Jack calls jokingly as he enters. There’s a rustle of plastic and soft thunk of the front door closing behind him, then he comes around the corner into the dining room with an armful of groceries.

“Hey, Jack,” Davey greets absently. He starts rifling through the bags almost before Jack can finish putting them down. “Did you get the tomato—?”

“I got the tomato paste,” Jack says, kicking off his shoes and leaving them in the entryway with all the others, “and I picked up some more of that fancy coffee you like from the place around the corner, even though it’s expensive as all hell.”

“Don’t judge me,” Davey replies, gathering up an armful of vegetables and carrying them further into the kitchen. “You spend a semester grading 'Intro to Shakespeare' homework and tell me how much caffeine you consume.”

“I’m just saying, the rest of us schmucks drink regular coffee and do just fine,” Jack continues. “You can feed your crippling caffeine addiction just as well with Folgers and it’ll cut down on the grocery bill.”

“Watch it, Kelly,” Davey says, pointing a finger teasingly in Jack’s direction. “Smartasses don’t get dinner.”

“‘s that so?” Jack asks with a grin. “Then why the hell are we still feeding Tony?”

“I heard that,” Tony grumbles from the kitchen table.

“Yeah, you were supposed to,” Jack says, moving over to Tony and slinging an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into a side hug. Tony bats at Jack’s hand but makes no real attempt to get away. Then Jack says, “So, I hear you and your brother lost another set of keys.”

Tony throws Davey a look of the deepest betrayal. “You told Jack?”

“Of course he did,” Jack says. “Someone’s gonna have to get new ones made, and it sure ain’t gonna be either half of the dynamic duo.”

“Charlie lost the spare,” Tony says, mercilessly throwing Charlie under the bus while he’s not in the room to defend himself. “And I didn’t lose my keys, I just left them in my locker.”

“Uh huh, save it for the judge,” Jack responds, ruffling Tony’s hair. “Just know if I end up having to change the deadbolt, it’s coming outta your subway money.”

“Jackie, leave Tony alone,” Davey comments mildly over Tony’s spluttering protests. “He needs to work on that paper and you’re distracting him.”

“Yeah, Jack,” Tony repeats, a little smug. “You’re distracting me.”

Davey turns to look at him, one eyebrow raised. Tony quickly busies himself with his homework.

Davey makes quick work of washing a green pepper and peeling an onion, then starts dicing both into small, neat pieces. He feels more than hears Jack sidle up behind him: the familiar weight of his gaze, the solid presence at his back. He stands there quietly, leaning against the counter-top and just watching Davey cook; unbothered, Davey leaves him be for the moment and moves to the stove, scraping the chopped vegetables off the cutting board and into a pan to start softening.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Davey glances over his shoulder at Jack and says, “Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me with this? You know there’s no loitering in my kitchen.”

“Well, I’m nothin’ if not a law abidin’ citizen,” Jack drawls in answer, the corner of his mouth quirking up. He rolls up his shirt sleeves, exposing the long, muscular line of his forearms, and washes his hands in the kitchen sink. “Where do you want me?”

Davey licks his lips. “Think you can handle browning the hamburger?”

“I’m sure I can manage,” Jack responds with a smirk.

Davey steps out of the way, letting Jack take his place in front of the sauce pan while he gets a pot of water set up on a different burner, salting it so it boils faster. They settle into their familiar dinner-routine, moving around and past each other with ease as they work on getting everything ready, chattering idly all the while.

“I’ve gotta head back out this evening,” Jack says at one point, as he sets the tray of garlic bread in the oven to toast. “Johnson’s got me working a night shoot and I have to be downtown by 9.”

“How long is the session?” Davey asks. “Here, will you open this?”

“We’re scheduled for five hours, but we might get to wrap it up early if everything goes well.” Jack’s hand brushes against the small of Davey’s back and they trade places again, Davey stepping back up to the stove-top and Jack rifling around in one of the drawers for a can opener.

“Are ya spendin’ the night or are ya headin’ back to campus?”

“Depends on how much help Tony needs with his paper,” Davey replies, shaking his head. He takes the can when Jack hands it back to him and empties it into the saucepan, then gives the whole thing a good stir. “We might be at it a while.”

Jack huffs out a laugh. “Well, if you do spend the night, go ahead and take the bed. The extra blankets are in the usual place.”

Davey sets down the spoon he’s holding, crossing his arms across his chest. “Jack,” he says warningly.

“Davey,” Jack echoes back in the exact same tone of voice. In the background there’s the faint sound of Tony muttering, “Jesus, not this again.”

“Jack, I’m not gonna kick you out of your bed,” Davey says, rehashing the same old argument for what feels like the millionth time. “I’m perfectly fine taking the couch.”

“Or you could do the smart thing and just take the bed,” Jack counters as he always does. “I’m not even gonna be here to use it.”

“You’ll want an actual mattress when you get home, especially if you’re out late.” Davey argues. “I don’t even have class tomorrow, it’ll be fine.”

“If you don’t take the bed I’ll just carry you in there once I get back,” Jack says, as if that's a perfectly reasonable course of action. “So you might as well save me the trouble.”

Davey sputters. “That’s not— You can’t just— That only happened a couple of times!” he finally gets out.

"Well, actually, it's been more like four or five times," Jack says with a smirk. "But hey, who's counting?"

"That trick won't keep working," Davey grumbles, feeling the back of his neck start to heat up.

“You sleep like a fucking rock, Dave,” Jack says, rolling his eyes. “Why wouldn’t it keep working?”

“No, see, that’s exactly why I should take the couch,” Davey insists. “It’s not like the sound of you coming in will wake me up—”

Jack turns to face him. Davey cuts off, slightly startled—he hadn’t realized they were standing so close to each other.

“Just take the bed, Davey,” Jack all but orders, and those dark eyes with that low voice are a heady combination. “Please?”

Davey bites at his lower lip, suddenly flustered. “Fine,” he reluctantly concedes, hoping Jack will attribute his flushed face to the heat of the kitchen. “Just this once.”

"Thank you," Jack says with a dramatic heave of his chest, looking much too pleased with himself. "Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"You're letting the garlic bread burn," Davey answers tartly.

"Oh shit—!"

00000

Later that evening, after they’ve all finished eating and have cleaned up, Davey, Tony, and Charlie are still gathered around the table, working on various assignments.

Davey is finishing the readings for his Monday lecture in between helping Tony finalize the exact wording of his essay. Charlie sits opposite him, working through his geometry homework and every so often there’s a huff of breath and the rubbery scratch of an eraser—Davey makes a mental note to swipe some more pencils and notebook paper from the grad lounge when he’s there next.

Davey notices the time and frowns. “Jack,” he calls out, “it’s already 7:30. If you don’t leave soon you’re gonna be late for work.”

There’s a clamor of noise from down the hall, then Jack appears, freshly showered and fumbling to put on his socks and button up a clean shirt at the same time.

“Fuck, Johnson is gonna kill me,” Jack grumbles. He pats down his pockets, then groans. “Christ, has anyone seen my—”

“Your wallet and keys are on the counter by the microwave,” Davey says, pointing. “And take a jacket, it’s supposed to rain later.”

“Great, I’m sure the models will love that,” Jack says with a groan. “Hopefully we’ll be able to get through everything without getting rained out.”

He meanders his way over to the table, peering at Charlie’s homework from over his shoulder. “If Tony is still busy and ya get stuck, text me,” Jack tells him. “I probably won't be able to answer right away, but if ya send me a picture of the problem I can probably talk ya through it between shots.”

Charlie hums his acknowledgment, still scribbling furiously. Jack turns to Tony.

“Listen to whatever Davey tells you about your paper,” he advises. “The only reason I got through undergraduate writing was ‘cause Davey proofread all my shit before I turned it in.”

“I thought I was s’pposed to always listen to Davey,” Tony says distractedly, tongue poking out between his teeth as he types.

Jack pauses, considering. “Yeah, just do that.”

“Jack—”

“Oh, and Dave cooked, so you shitheads better do the dishes, get me?”

“Jack, you’re gonna be late,” Davey cuts in firmly, holding out Jack’s jacket for him.

“Alright, I’m going,” Jack says, shrugging it on, and he finally starts making moves towards the door.

He gives Charlie one last pat on the shoulder and cuffs Tony lightly across the back of the head in a slightly rougher, but no less affectionate goodbye, which is per usual. Then he turns to Davey, tips his chin up, and kisses him right on the mouth, short and sweet.

“Lock the door behind me and don’t forget to—” Jack stops mid-sentence, then turns bright red.

“Um,” says Charlie.

“Holy shit,” says Tony.

Jack’s mouth opens and closes soundlessly. Finally, he stammers out, “I u-uh— I-I d-didn’t mean—“

Davey doesn’t respond. He couldn’t, even if he wanted to—he’s frozen in place, his mind a sudden wash of static. For a moment, they just stare at each other. Then Jack blurts, “gottagoseeyoulaterbye,” and bolts out the front door.

Davey’s not sure how long he stands there, staring blankly into space, utterly dumbfounded.

“Davey?” Charlie asks hesitantly. “Are you okay?”

There’s a strangled, choking noise. A split second later, Davey realizes it’s coming from him.

"...What just happened?"

[wolf-stark]

You ask I deliver — both tfatws asks in one!

tfatws weekly ask 1

i finally saw ep1!! i wont be able to see ep2 until thursday at the earliest but i already have some Thots on this ep. here are the ones I remember

first is, and i'm so sorry for this, a grammar lesson. an appositive is when you stick an additional phrase in between commas, dashes, or the like. i actually just used one! the "and i'm so sorry for this" in the first sentence of this paragraph is an appositive. thing is, most english speakers don't normally use them when they speak, only in writing. so i'm always on high alert whenever i hear somebody in tv or movies use one. (it's generally a marker of bad screenwriting). anyway there was one right in the beginning of the episode. the white army guy yelling at sam wilson said "first lieutenant Torres, our intel officer, will be helping on the ground." yeah so. the writing of this series started out on the wrong foot for me. but the rest of the episode was obviously tons and tons better (every interview i see with malcolm spellman makes me love him more and more)

the contrast between the opening minutes (falcon action sequence) and the rest of the ep.... i would 100000/10 rather watch a series with just sam and bucky dealing with life. i dont give a single crap about the flag-smashers or any of that. i just want sam, sarah & fam getting their boating business back on the ground & yeeting racist dickwads, bucky going through therapy and making amends, sam and joaquin being bros, sambucky homoerotic tension, etc.

the cinnamontography! wandavision mostly used cinematography to signify era n stuff. tfatws doesn't have wv's premise to go off of, so here's some tricks i noticed:

with sam there's obviously all sorts of shots with the captain america iconography next to his face, but he hasn't totally claimed it. there's the mural of steve rogers in the background; there's sam staring into the shield like it's a spectre of steve's face; there's sam looking into the exhibit, the shield and sam separated by glass and a layer of camera focus. steve is a constant spectre, always there, an idea, a symbol himself. sam's relationship with this iconography is distanced. he is separated by glass exhibit walls. by painting canvases. he doesn't yet feel worthy to take on that iconography. this whole thing was pulled off quite well but also a bit on-the-nose if only in quantity. there's just sooooo much fancy iconography stuff

speaking of the exhibit, there's something that i get real pissy about. it's when like, there's an action going on you're supposed to be paying attention to but the cinematographer is like,,,, hey! check out this location! or this headline! or something! there was a lot of that in the exhibit. the camera was like, you could focus on sam and rhodey's convo (which was fine but could have been so much better with an extra like 10 minutes of deep character study talk) but noooo you want me to look at the symbol for the united nations and read all the text about bucky who hasn't even showed up yet. shut up i know the lore and ill watch the shot-by-shot breakdown yt vids you don't have to make the shot this long jkdsalcjklasejf

my fav trick was with bucky and the therapist. i had seen a clip of the scene with bucky and the therapist beforehand and i thought the cinnamontography was super obnoxious, but then i was like, oh duh. the shots frequently change the distance between the camera and its subject. sometimes it's uncomfortably close and sometimes it's really far. a clear allegory for the duality of therapy, esp for bucky! therapy is an invasive process wherein he is ruthlessly examined, picked apart, and berated for his trauma (this therapist is crap in every way btw, "mean therapist" works for greg house and greg house only). so the camera goes close. it makes the viewer claustrophobic like bucky. but when he's like "no i haven't had any nightmares" the camera suddenly goes really far. we see bucky as this tiny head in the center of the bottom of the frame. we are distanced from him. he has pushed us away. we cannot see him. he lies because he is vulnerable. so yeah, amazing work there. the therapy scene was hard to watch on purpose!

did bucky slip a note to yori inside the dollar bill? bucky stop making me emooooo. the suuper awkward fake smile has me 😭 (veteran trying to adjust!)

mark my worrrrds when sam asks someone y the govt picked john “white bread” walker they’re gonna say “we needed somebody everyone can get behind....someone uncontroversial, someone everyone can see themselves in” like that exact racist dog whistle

tfatws weekly ask 2

just saw ep2 so im taking advantage of the 2 seconds i can be on tumblr without worrying about tfatws spoilers before new episode drops

when isaiah said "your people put me in prison for being a hero" and bucky thought "your people" means hydra. 🤦‍♂️

speaking of racism, the interplay between sam being Black (anti-Black racism) and sam being the Falcon (negrophilia, "can i take a selfie w you as i deny you a loan?") and the intersection between the two (j*hn lichrally called sam "steve's wingman"! he takes the crypto out of crypto-racist in like 2 seconds!) !!!!!!!! a Black celebrity's Black experience, the separation of man and identity!!!! (thinking about vanessa bayer in snl in that skit "beyonce is black" telling her black friend "you're not black, you're...my girl!")

after sam gets racially profiled by cops we see j*hn standing in front of cop cars cinematic parallels turns out j*hn is racist who knew

this therapist sucks major ass but she got bucky and sam together in the same room and ready to collaborate...that's something ig. it was lichrally couple's therapy she said she used her miracle exercise with couples sambucky antis get blended

bucky says "he was wrong about you so maybe he was wrong about me"...that's not how people talk. when therapist asks bucky, the guy who doesn't talk at all about himself, "y do you hate sam", the last thing bucky's gonna do is actually connect his hatred of sam to his own self-worth issues. bucky generally refuses to talk about himself, so why would he talk about himself in the one context that nobody ever links back to their own neuroses: hatred of other people? one thing human beings hate most is admitting we're wrong. admitting you hate someone because of your own issues? that's a major therapeutic step. bucky would absolutely have to be prompted to do that. even like one or two lines of dialogue more would have set up that line better. but in terms of the actual thought? an amazing way to take the sam/bucky relationship. bucky bases his self-worth on steve believing in him, and if steve is wrong bucky has no self-worth, so 1) he has to develop self-worth disassociated from steve's assessment of him and 2) he has to love himself before he can love sam, and 3) he has to realize that sam giving up the shield is a sign of sam's humility not his unworthiness.

conversely, we don't get into why sam hates bucky? yeah sam has the right to hate a guy that has tried to kill him (albeit while brainwashed) multiple times, and now shows up in his life just to bash him but. everything happens so fast i cant follow their relationship

in fact i dont feel like i understood much of anything. like y did bucky and sam go on that mission together? how connected are sam/bucky/joaquin with the government? doesn't bucky just want to retire now? literally what is everyone doing/feeling and why???

if battlestar becomes a knowing commentary on the black best friend stereotype i'm gonna party, but i dont expect much of that

the interplay between man and symbol. captain america is obviously a symbol. the shield is obviously a symbol. but steve rogers? the. man behind the cowl? he too seems to become a symbol. a paragon of a good guy, so good he's unreachable. steve was just a guy stop idolizing him the last thing steve would want is to be idolized

as the resident musician/music nerd on mcublr, 1) that captain america rally music slaps, but 2) re: the song at the end of the ep, if you're just gonna rip off mozart's lacrymosa then at least play mozart's lacrymosa. we wont blame you the lacrymosa slaps (if you dont know what im talking about go on yt and search it up youll recognize it fo sho

look i love enfys nest as much as the next guy but if tfatws is gonna get erin kellyman to play another innocent little gurl blackmailed into the fakeout-villain position (her text seemed to suggest as such) then 😡 like why can't women just....be evil? young, freckly, innocent-looking women? girls are not untouchable pure objects but full of rage and resentment just as much as anyone can be

bonus ep1 comment: bucky says about that senator whose car he hijacked, "she continued to abuse the power i gave her." fictionaldarling on yt say that he says "i" because he can't disassociate himself from his winter soldier persona which begets endless and senseless guilt. like dude. can i not be emo for like 1 second.

OKay. First off, as much I enjoy your sending it to me, what made you decide to send me these??

-

TFATWS WA #1

Don't worry about getting this to me as early as possible. I usually don't watch the episode right away.

1. Cool writing lesson.

2. Everyone wants a comedy show [like Friends] about the MCU superheroes.

3. Cinematography is always a beautiful thing.

4. Sam definitely has to carve his own Captain America status for himself, outside of Steve's ya know everything.

5. They have to do that for people who was just now tuning in because they're in love with Sam Wilson or Sharon Carter.

6. I think the therapist was taking a 'tough love' approach for Bucky, because she likely has some very strong opinions about the literal assassin she's been assigned to give therapy too. She did not choose to talk to him, she was assigned that make that clear in the second episode.

And, Bucky isn't lying when he said it wasn't a nightmare. It wasn't a nightmare, it was a resurfaced memory. So, technically he wasn't lying - and yes, the camera does move away because while he's saying he didn't have a nightmare, he's not expanding on what actually happened - so, he's still pushing the therapist/us away.

7. Bucky, and Steve, have/had a TON to adjust to.

8. Yeah, I agree that will be the bullshit line they give. If they ever actually talk about it.

TFATW WA #2

Yeah, always got to take advantage of avoiding those spoilers lmfaoo.

1. Honestly, that line was double meaning. Both about White people and Hydra [which is made up of mostly white supremacists/nazis] So, the line is gesturing to both White People in general and Hydra assholes together. I think the terminology is “double edge sword”??

2. This whole paragraph structure confused me, ngl - so I'm going to answer it the best I can. I do like that they're not ignoring the fact that Sam being Black is 1000% the reason he's not the Official Captain America - because the gov't is racist as hell.

I also like the little lines about how they point out little things about Sam's Falcon persona, like that kid calling him 'Black Falcon' specifically and Sam's response show the split between Sam and Falcon itself.

John is a dick for calling Sam the wingman of Steve Rogers. Sam was a hero all on his own before Steve asked him to join up again. [Side note, it's lichrally??]

3. Exactly, the parallel of Sam being profiled and surrounded while just on the street and John being surrounded by fans and being able to spring Bucky with apparently only a few sentences shows a Loooooot

4. Honestly, at this point I wonder if she's not actually a therapist and is just an agent assigned to assess Bucky outside of an Official Building. I do know, however, that her 'look at each other and speak' exercise is actually a real therapy practice. It's just a little slower.

5. Actually, I think he would've blurted that out. That whole line. I don't think Bucky hates Sam. I think they could've done the scene better, but I think that had Sam prodded him/the therapist been more annoying Bucky would've lost control of his emotions and blurted out the whole "If he was wrong about you, he was wrong about me" but I feel like the writing for this show is just... not there. Sometimes you blurt shit when you get overemotional and I think that was what Bucky was supposed to be like.

6. I don't think Sam hates Bucky, I think he doesn't trust him though. I do wish they'd talked about that though. The whole 'talk to each other' scene should've been a LOT longer and a LOT slower.

7. Sam and Bucky's relationship is being fast tracked because they don't really know how to work the relationship out, writers-room-wise. Bucky is technically retired, but I feel like he's trying to live up to Steve's expectations and doing what Steve would've done and we all know that if Steve was there, Steve would've jumped on that plane with Sam. It looks like Sam/Bucky/Joaquin are a side-team based from Military services but as Sam says they're all free agents so...?

8. Sadly, They seem to just be propping up to be another stereotype.

9. Captain America is a symbol. Steve Rogers is a man. But now Steve Rogers is an idol because of all the shit he's been through and honestly, it's not a bad thing he's become an idol for people - it's using Steve as a reason to make White Bread Walker the next Captain that makes Steve's idolization so fucked.

10. I don't know anything about music so I have no opinion here, sorry.

11. Enfys?? Also, I think they did the whole Innocent Girl Thing as side commentary for Bucky lowering his guard about seeing a young girl rather than a guy.

12. Bucky is the Winter Solider. The Winter Solider is Bucky. That is how Bucky will always see it because although he was brainwashed, it was still him and he remembers all of it. When you have constant memories of something 'someone else' did, you tend to not be able to pull the two personas out of each other. I want Bucky to take up the title, White Wolf instead of Winter Soldier. Honest.

This is all my opinion, I’m honestly a little disappointed with the writing of TFATWS so far so... I’m not really optimistic about this.

[astro-break]

Quick first thoughts on the first ep of the Hypmic Anime. Spoilers beware (and im writing this as I watch so :p)

Otome’s speech is.... questionable from a persuasive point of view. Manga did a great job of introducing her (which you can read here) but they really cut out the more terrifying parts of her speech and how she uses force to show people that she's not to be messed with

Its cool seeing everyone in their respective environments though. thats cool. Though they could have added Sasara and Kuuko (shhh i know why they didn’t let me dream)

I love how poppy the typography is. Its amazing how the visuals just leap out at you. The OP does a great job of this. The first few seconds before the title really gives me Persona 4 OG OP vibes with the influx of information given. The rest is a clear concise and streamlined way that still gives character. Animation is sparse but still carries across a general idea of each character and shows off each character object. Rendering is really nice and pays a bit of homage to the posing artwork thats done for the MVs. They also do their division hand signals and thats cute

Love how the OP has blatant HifuDoppo and DRB matchup foreshadowing

so far I really like what theyre going for. BB is about brotherly familial bonds and they show the goods and the bads. Jiro and Saburo bickering right out the gate really cements the fact that they get along like cats and dogs but you can still see that they love each other, working together when the situation calls for it

Now the 3d models. Theyre... not great but usable if you don’t look too hard. They serve their purpose and don’t actively detract from the viewing experience.

Visual typography in the rap itself are fun and poppy but they dont.... speak to me? like theyre there yes and I appreciate them but the only ones that got me excited were from Ichiro’s rap

I take my words back the group portion was kickass and I apologize

I love how they interpret the Hypnosis Speakers though. Esp. Saburo’s organs. That was super creative and I love it! If there was one thing that I felt was missing from the franchise was a deeper exploration of the speakers but the anime puts a new and fresh spin on it! Love it, especially with their attack patterns!

If the production team ever feels inclined to, Id love to see those info sheets on Otome’s desk released. There seems to be very interesting info and stats written out about each member (like capabilities, personal status etc.) They all seem unique too so I really really really hope they release images of those sheets

OOOOOOOOKAY MTC. I have such a big biased for them so Im very torn to see what unfolds

Rio striking out on his own is interesting. Out of everyone in MTC hes the biggest team player yet here he trusts his teammates to go ahead. This either displays Rio’s willingness to trust his teammates or it becomes very OOC if the anime wants to set him up as a lone wolf like character

I love how they specify its a drug deal. It means that Jyuto surely will show up and it also shows that Samatoki knows Jyuto’s motives and willingly gives black market info that he knows aligns with Jyuto’s goal. Thats A+ detail writing there and a great establishing characteristic for both of them

OOohhhhhhhhhhhhh man Asunama-san’s voice acting is god tier his work as Samatoki is phenomenal. He pulls of Samatoki’s threatening voice so well with those almost calm words before his voice becomes loud and confrontational. Those rolling syllables in contrast to Komada-san’s almost lyrical and airy speech and Kamio-san’s strict and enunciated words is such a delight to hear. It just speaks to how amazing and great these Seiyuu’s are in order to pull of such amazing work

Im so biased but MTC has such a better rap than BB im so sorry. Just by watching Samatoki’s part, the imagery is amazing. Even the arrival of his Hypnosis Speaker was awesome and sent a shiver down my spine. using the lyrics to form blades and blood was such a great thing to do. Theres so much more variety that just him standing there and shots of his hypnosis speaker. The old fashioned vignette shots, the four panel spread, the nods to old Kurosawa era films are great and I love these small details. Even the typography looks better.

Again, the interpretations with the speakers is fresh and new. Its great and I love the different imagery and attack patterns. Each one is so unique but carries across each different style of rap.

The 3d modles aren’t any better tho lol

(Hi this is Astro who is reading over their assessment again and making a note. Yeah I’m a bit harsh on BB’s rap. I’m not going to change it since I still stand by it and this post is supposed to be a documentation of my first impressions. I think one of the reasons why I’m so harsh on BB is because of their dynamic as a trio of brothers. They Have to have a more uniform approach than the other divisions. Which in of itself isn’t a terrible thing, it just doesn’t catch my eye as much as MTC did. Thats all! I definitely don’t hate BB, they’re maybe my 3rd favorite division out of the current lineup [not including TDD era teams like Kujaku Posse, MCD, and Naughty Busters] its just that their rap was pretty meh)

Samatoki crouching like a real gangstar and the cigarette kiss killed me

sadjkhfjkasdghsadjkcsdjhsdfsjhf im dying i love these trio of dumbasses so uch oh y fod someone save me aaaaaaaa (Astro note here! yeah i died when the jyuto and samatoki’s stomach growled im weak please. Samatoki’s face is just so precious and funny I might set it as a profile pic somewhere)

But also my initial assessment of Rio possibly being characterized as a lone wolf is very much jossed and im very thankful for that. It seems that Rio was simply trusting his teammates to carry out their part of the plan while he carried out his own. I like that, it really shows how much of a team these three are and that they genuinely trust each other. He’s also comfortable enough around them to invite them to dinners after work casually and not just for special occasions.

I really love MTC guys

Oooh! we get Ramuda on his design process which is really cute. the inside of his studio is super cute and retro and i love it. the poppy old music you would hear in a cafe or 90′s resturaunt is also really cute (astro note: yeah i know that in ARB you see the interior of Ramuda’s office but its kinda different seeing it animated)

the translation i have has gentaro speaking in early modern english (Shakespearian english for those who aren’t english nerds like me) but from what I can hear, he doesn’t speak in a particularly old fashioned way? Its more formal than old? and hes speaking without any of his character persona lying thing that he likes to do (as he refers to himself as “Shousei” throughout the segment where hes in Ramuda’s office which is kind of his default pronoun of choice). so its kinda odd for the translation to go in that direction but im not complaining

Gendice banter is gold but it feels... flat? a little? it doesn’t have the same impact as in the drama cds or in the manga? i feel? Also Ramuda using gratuitous english is??? idk how to feel about that

kjshf thats against the rules Ramuda omgggg,,,,,,,, (astro note again: while watching i was under the assumption that using your hypmic for monetary gain such a as buskering [which is what FP is doing] is against the rules. May not be the case but whatever)

FP’s rap might be my favorite in terms of tune and lyrics though. It’s a nice laid back bop and really gives of chill vibes. the integration of 3d and 2d is really nice and i love how they play off each other in the rap. The wordplay is so fun with little nods here and there and the beat is poppy too so it really energizes me.

Ramuda’s rap concerns me slightly since he makes very subtle and small nods towards his past (being created in a laboratory, warfare, and his overall very unpleasant life experiences) but spins it into something cutesy. It could be a coping mechanism, it could be me overthinking it. But it does make me worry a bit. Gentaro and Dice’s rap really play off each other with Gentaro sticking to stories and Dice taking up the baton by carrying on that same imagery but putting his own spin on it.

the self awareness of how scattered they are as a team is interesting though. It doesn’t seem like something you’d speak about in a rap? but i guess since its not really a do or die situation they can afford to be looser on things like this.

Right off the bat, i don’t like how they handled Hifumi and Doppo in relation to Hifumi’s fear of women. Slug made a post once talking about this and I echo many of his sentiments. Hypmic has never been very tactful about tackling this particular issue and while I didn’t have high hopes that the anime would be any better it hurts to see Doppo take away the one thing that allows Hifumi to function within society.

Doppo’s breakdown mirrors a lot of my own mental state when I spiral though its shown a lot quicker than what happens to me oof. that hits close to home. though Jakurai’s advice is. Questionable. Its not the best advice to give to someone but we have no idea what kind of doctor Jakurai is so ill let it slide

Jakurai’s pose looks like hes going to do a mahou shoujou transformation lmao

I don’t have many thoughts about the rap though again. How they visualize the rap is interesting. the different imagery is quite interesting for each of them and the typography is nice a distinct but im still on the fence about the visuals here

The sound is in the same boat. The sound effects either drown out the rap or are too quet but some parts are nice at least. When they talk about Tokyo’s beating heart, the heartbeat sound is a but distracting especially since its only played once. But the imagery is at least nice

I wonder if for the eds they’re going to take a similar approach to what Enstars did and have a four different endings, one for each division. I love the blend of styles here and it really accentuates that although they’re different they mesh well together.

Ramuda’s silhouette though is hilarious. Love it.

:p and thats it. Uh not bad for a first episode. Established all 12 characters really nicely and their dynamics. I had some problems with it but then again nothing is perfect. I look forward to what they show us next week

[forehead-enthusiast]

A Buncha Tag Games (and yet not all of them)

tagged by: @eggyukhei mwah

tagging: this is a LOT of games so i’ll only tag @atinyphobe @nsheetee and @veonjun for the SECOND (2nd) game. if they or anybody wants to do any of the other games, absolutely go for it and say i tagged you <3 i’d love to see what you guys say!! (also, tk if you felt like you wanted to answer my questions from the second game i’d be interested to see!)

One:

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

ok SO the song that probably got me into rv 100% (also yes ik this blog is 99% nct but rv is my forever fave no question) was probably ice cream cake!! i had been a casual listener of many groups up until that point and had never really stanned anyone, but icc was so infectious i found myself watching it over and over. i had heard happiness and be natural before but hadn’t really listened too closely, so icc was the song that captured me. after that, dumb dumb only cemented my love for them more, and the red is still one of my favorite kpop albums to date. rv attracted me primarily because of their incredible vocals and their versatility in genres and concepts. i still get so excited wondering what they’ll tackle next!! they’re just soooo unique and have one of, if not the best discographies of any group. i cannot stress enough, I. Love. RV!! also they’re funny and gay so. anyway stream monster once it drops uwu

Two:

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

1. what is your favorite song that’s been released during quarantine? ooooo honestly??? probably something off of Sawayama. literally every song bangs so hard i highly recommend that album to anyone!! i can’t pick a favorite off it but who’s gonna save you now is awesome and xs is just,,, chef’s kiss

2. what is your greatest mishap when you tried cooking? (or something you’ve witnessed) one time, while making soup at my late grandmother’s house on her like gas stove, i put a lid on a pot and somehow that led the pot to be engulfed in flames. IN MY DEFENSE i was like 7, and i’m great at cooking/baking now

3. what’s your go-to outfit or article of clothing? oh i love a nice dress. they can be casual or formal, and you look like you put effort into your outfit except i didn’t because i didn’t have to match anything yo!!!! also shorts have trouble fitting me cause i���m a weird body type so dresses tend to be very comfy for me

4. what is your comfort food? am i allowed to say like all food??? eating in itself is comforting,,, that sounds depressing but also i just like eating yummy food. i guess i’d say like my dad’s fried rice?? its my fave and no one makes it like him soooo

5. what singular moment in your life would you like to relive? i couldn’t tell if this meant like, a good moment you want to re-experience or go back in time and redo a moment and fix it. it’s kind of a hard question so i might cop out and go with a bit of a silly answer: i want to relive the hi touch with astro...... i wanna look at rocky’s beautiful eyes and touch moonbin’s hand ok,,,,

6. what is your favorite line and/or character from a movie, show, or book? i got a bunch but a few off the top of my head are genie lo (the epic crush of genie lo), ty lee, suki (atla), klaus, and ben (umbrella academy) 

7. if you could only choose one ice cream flavor and pizza topping/style for the rest of your life, what would it be? ice cream flavor: this very specific one from a local store that is banana ice cream with strawberries and oreo mixed in. it is heaaaavenly. as for pizza topping, i love a breakfast type pizza with an egg on top and like sausage and stuff!!!

8. what is the worst injury you’ve ever had or witnessed? funny enough, i’ve actually gotten badly injured quite a few times, and always on the face!! god hates me. the worst was probably when i hit a metal bench with my face and it took a chunk out of my cheek. i still have the scar! as for “witnessed” i accidentally broke a grown man’s rib once as a child, so i guess that would count.

9. would you rather explore the unknown of space or the bottom of the ocean? oceaaaan!! i answered this in some other game, but i like how mysterious and yet close the ocean is. like proximity wise it’s so near, yet there’s an insane amount we know nothing about. that’s so frightening but so intriguing

10. if you could be any cartoon character, who would you be? my first thought was literally “kirby. eat fast” GOD my followers are gonna think i’m just a glutton and they’re not even gonna be wrong im dying. but uhh idk mulan or smth?

my questions:

what is your go-to feel good movie?

are you the type of person who’s indecisive about buying, or the type to impulse buy once you see something you like?

do you prefer chocolate-y or fruity candy?

what idol do you think is most similar to you? (not your bias necessarily)

do you have any silly dealbreakers? if so, what are they?

what do you do to unwind?

what is a small thing you like to do for people you love? (be it sending memes, remembering their favorite shows, etc)

what’s/who’s your favorite myth/mythological being?

what is a non-typical pet you would want to have?

do you say pronounce data as day-ta or dah-ta?

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people. 

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

FOUR

the ultimate tag: answer whichever ones you want to because there are a lot and then tag a few blogs you’d like to get to know better! 

PERSONAL

name: sarah

nickname: bells

birthday: april 17th

zodiac: aries

nationality: chinese american

languages: english, some spanish, some korean

gender: female

sexuality: baby bi bi bi~

height: 5′10

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: i suppose nct since i write for them the most?? but i feel like sometimes i come up with the idea before i think of a member so sometimes the muse is just my own fantasies oops

meaning behind my url: i made it at a time where loads of idols were getting bangs and honestly i believe most of them look infinitely better without them, thus i was and still am enthusiastic about foreheads.

blog established: like winter of 2018...?? i think

followers: over 2.5k but most deactivated/left during my hiatus lol

FAVORITES

favourite animals: sharks, chickens, snakes, cats, penguins

favourite books: the epic crush of genie lo and then iron will of genie lo, PERIOD

favourite colour: pink and purple!!

favourite fictional characters: lol, again, genie lo, ty lee, suki, klaus, ben, and just a few more: richard and evelyn o’connell (the mummy), dave (dave), michael (the good place)

favourite flower: sunflower

favourite scent: baking chocolate, heating butter, blackberry, wisteria

favourite season: probably spring! i like warmth but not HEAT

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: ugh idek i sleep horribly

cats or dogs: both, but unfortunately i’ve never had either

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea but then hot chocolate

current time: 5:29pm

dream trip: go to paris and eat loads of pastries and enjoy the fashions and beauty of the city, and also learn to bake better maybe?

dream job: actress

hobbies: making jewelry, drawing, singing, reading comics

hogwarts house: according to the quizzes, all of them. people who have just met me think slytherin or gryffindor, people who i’m friends with think ravenclaw or hufflepuff, people who know me really well know you can’t box a person into oversimplified archetypes :’) in my assessment of myself, it varies by the day, but i think perhaps gryffindor today?

last movie watched: hot fuzz (a classic)

last song listened to: summer breeze by sf9

no. of blankets you sleep with: like 2

random fact(s): i won lego building competitions as a child, one of my dream roles is anastasia from the musical named after her, i played violin for a very short time, i bake the cakes for all my family and friends’ birthdays, i have strangely strong grip strength

SIX

10 songs i can’t stop listening to:

love me 4 me- rina sawayama

cherry- rina sawayama

in & out- red velvet

crush culture- conan gray

manic- conan gray

the king- conan gray

summer- pentagon

told you now- jeremy jordan (originally sung by sam smith)

fuck this world (interlude)- rina sawayama

someone who loves me- sara bareilles

[ocherrywine]

From Eden

Fandom: Good Omens , Ineffable Husbands

Words: 1058 Language: English Ch: 1/?? Rated: T Current Chapter Warnings: Conspiring to Cheat , Some Potentially Homophobic or other Strong Language Future Chapter Warnings: Domestic Emotional Abuse , Talk of Cheating  Characters: Crowley, Aziraphale, Agnes Nutter, Gabriel Other Tags: AU, Modern AU, TV!GoodOmens, Human!Crowley, Human!Aziraphale, Human!AU, Friends to Lovers, Asexual!Aziraphale In Beta

Based on a request I’ve seen floating around for Gabriel featured as Aziraphale’s not-so-lovely boyfriend-- and Crowley, as a best friend pining there after him.

“That man is going to be my future husband,” he said, matter of factly, despite himself. 

“You may find some trouble, that,” the response, “as you’ll find that the gentleman is already...affianced.” 

“That man is going to be my future husband,” he said, matter of factly, despite himself.

“You may find some trouble, that,” the response, “as you’ll find that the gentleman is already...affianced.”

The word tasted bitter on his tongue and rolled out and across like a bad taste dropping into a napkin at the dinner table, “Affianced, pfft, come off it. How pretentious.” He was still staring at the subject, a crown of rolling cloud atop a head and a jacket flutter in the breeze that was making its way middle distance and sinking further still into somewhere else- but still searing in his memory. ‘Not if I can help it’, he thought.

“You come off it. He’s engaged, and last I checked not to the likes of you.”

He ran a hand through his hair, so carefully mussed. He was searching for his thoughts somewhere in its tangles, “You know ‘im? What’s his name?”

“Aziraphale,” Agnes answered. She rolled his name with purpose, and to Crowley it sounded like music. Aziraphale. It was a hum in his throat, and then flowed from his lips as a babbling brook. Like a spring breeze in the trees. It was a name that floated, just like the wisps of his curls. Like angel wings. “He’s the bloke that owns the bookshop just down the way. Comes in here all the time, picks up little pastries and the like. Sweet fellow. Too good for you.”

Crowley shot her a look, let the bitter wash of his iced coffee clear spiteful words from his tongue. “You’re entitled to your very wrong opinion, this time. Only because I don’t want to have to find a new place, ya old croan,” though tempered there had been some spite left, “Never seen ‘im here before. And I don’t see the boytoy. What’s the story?”

“Only seen the boyfriend come along a couple times, but they’ve been together awhile as far as I can tell. Kind of a jet-setter corporate type, can’t imagine what it is he actually does though. Travels a lot? American business type things?” Absentmindedly, Agnes cleaned the counter with a rag, the cafe a-chatter lightly. Soho, London- Agnes Nutters Patisserie, and (unsolicited) Nice and Accurate Advice (1). Agnes was a woman who knew too much. “Don’t you go ruining it for that nice boy. I mean it. He’s one of my favorite customers and I would like for him to continue to come back. You, Anthony J. Crowley, have a reputation for what you do to men. And I won’t have it.”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” he bit back, impatient, “which shop is it then?”

“A.Z. Fell & Co., has the nice red doors. Vintage, eclectic, smells like mildew. Very bookish. Sits reading more than he does any actual selling. Not your type.”

“I’ll decide if he is or isn’t my type after I stop in and have a chat. I’ve been meaning to dust the shelves off and actually put up a book or two.” Crowley knew this was strange behavior for him, admittedly. Agnes, as she usually was, had been Nice and Accurate in her assessment (2). His usual type was some twink or twunk, back alley and wrapped in mesh or leather who he would never have to see again if he didn’t want to. He never quite cared for them- it more so just...filled the hole, passed the time. A dalliance here or there. But there was something...different about the man Aziraphale. Somewhere between his bright and genuine smile and little upturned nose, between the stupid Tartan tie and the way he nervously waved and muttered ‘pardon me my dear boy, may I perhaps grab the sugar behind you?’-- Crowley felt like he had known him all his life. 

“You’re a devil, and if you’re going to give the poor lad the trouble of you,” Crowley was unsure if Agnes was affectionately teasing or serious- likely both? “- bring him this, from me. It’s his favorite.” Primly, Agnes set down a little cup on the counter beside Crowley.

“What do I owe you for it?”

“If it were for you, double the normal cost for wasting my time. But for him? No charge. Off with you, now, before you hold up a line.”

“Why are you helping me?” he narrowed his eyes and sniffed the cup she had set down- it was cocoa. It was sweet, almost cloyingly so. He wondered if she had done anything to it. He wondered what grown man drank cocoa in a mildewy bookshop. He took a slow dragging sip of his coffee, wondering if he should venture a taste (3)… 

“I’m not, I’m just trying to get you out of my shop,” she tutted at him, shaking the cleaning rag at him, “Truthfully, though… I don’t quite trust the boyfriend. More than I don’t trust you. And the boy seems...lonesome much of the time. Something tells me you’d make right chummy, in odd sorts.”

He turned the cocoa over in his hand, “I’m not going to thank you, hag (4).” 

“You aren’t welcome. I don’t trust you even quite as far as I could throw you- and if I hear a word of you hurting that angel of man in any sense trust that I will make good on that. I will throw you.”

“Right-o,” he made a show of straightening his scarf like a tie, “Until next, hopefully your funeral.” As Crowley set himself in motion out into the throng of Greek Street, the shop bell tinkled a contented sigh. Agnes recalled it said every time a bell rang, an angel gained its wings or some hocum like that. She had to wonder, though, what she had just set into motion- trouble, she suspected, more than likely. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Patisserie part was advertised in gold on the window, where as Agnes’s advice was not so much advertised, but one would soon get a taste of it after frequenting the shop often enough.

2. Nice here was relative, but she was in fact painfully accurate.

3. Whether he meant of the cocoa or Aziraphale, or both, he was not quite sure.

4. Translated: “Thank you, hag.” This was more or less the way in which Crowley’s tentative friendship with Agnes Nutter worked. He would leave her a generous tip, and she would know but say nothing of it.

[jeusev]

h-hewwo it’s my dragon age oc, his name is Tarenan. He is an ancient elf who went into uthenera after the fall of Arlathan. He fought with the rebeliion along with Solas ;w; im up for RP/HCs! also english is not my first language so please excuse my grammar / vocabulary errors dshsdhhsdh 

Tarenan

Taren : Mind

Nan : Revenge

Renan : Voice

Taren was born in Arlathan, to healer parents, servants of Elgar’Nan. He was born conveniently attractive, wrapped in smooth, fair skin. Silky jade coloured hair draped along his shoulders gracefully, he was fit, slender built with average height. The glint of his emerald orbs were mesmerizing. He was unblemished. 

However, alas, it was like the universe was trying to nerf him, Tarenan was lacking the ability to wield magic, much to his dismay. Taren had 2 older brothers, so naturally, his parents did not really mind his “defect”, however the elvhen did not took it so kindly.  Slithering whispers on his back whenever he went was inevitable, and it always riled him up. The discrimination and the pity stares he received shaped him into an ambitious, prove-thirst chaotic individual. He was notorious, he’d pick a fight whenever one of his peers started to pity his inability to use magic. “I’m still better than you even if i could not wield magic.” Taren would always find a way to prove that he was indeed better than everyone, and easily enough, he realized violence solves the problem. Taren did not really care about his academic achievements, for he saw the best on academic matters would probably ended up working in the grand library doing monotone research anyways. Boring. 

So he trained, ceaselessly, with a goal in mind to become Elgar’nan’s elite warriors, so no one could ever belittle him anymore. If someone without magic like him can join the elites, then who are you to belittle him, right ? Taren was not gifted in terms of strength and muscles, but his assessment were always on point. Thus, he realized something crucial – The ancient elves... DID mind about their gracefulness when they fight. They thought so highly about having to look good even when you’re about to bathe in someone else’s blood, which is… bullshit, if Taren must say. So Taren took advantage of that, and developed his own fighting style. It was definitely.... beastly, wild, its “ugly” ; according to everyone. But he won. Mostly. Him, against elves with magic. 

Ultimately, his notorious achievement reached on Elgar’Nan’s ears, and so he was recruited and joined the legion. Even though Taren was still a rookie, he worked harder than most, and showed an indomitable determination. As a gift, Taren was given a chance to receive a “lyrium marking”, which enables those so called “defected” elves to use magic. Sometimes Elgar’nan would send his troops to the dwarven underground for the lyrium, and only the maker knows what Elgar’nan would do to those lyrium. (x) (I suspect the Tevinter / Fenris’s lyrium markings was a technique derived from the elvhen) Taren was delighted, and after a series of excruciating experiments, it finally happened. 

Strange markings appeared all over his body. Levitation was the first thing he tried to master, he was able to phase through objects, and then shapeshift, though it requires extreme concentration to be able to keep up the transformation for a long time, and ultimately, Taren were totally unbeatable in the battlefield. He soared the sky, killed Elgar’nan’s enemies as much as he could, hoisted Elgar’nan’s flag on every landmark he could see, all he did to show his loyalty to Elgar’nan. To spat, on those who underestimate him. Pride and arrogance filled his heart, it blinded him to the bitter truth he chose to ignore. Then, Taren became an arcane warrior, one of Elgar’Nan’s elite bodyguard, appointed exclusively by Elgar’Nan himself. Tarenan did not possess the tall and bulky body like other warriors. In fact, he was probably one of the smallest elite bodyguard Elgar’nan ever had. It becomes an advantage though. People unfamiliar to him would underestimate his physique. Little did they know, Tarenan was one of Elgar’nan prized champions. Taren was deadly and impeccable. Strong, boisterous, never wavering. Naturally, having such title comes with great burden and responsibilities too. As a champion, it was one of his duty to do Elgar’nan’s dirty work. Taren understands, and he tremendously enjoyed the title bestowed upon him. 

Until one day, he found a baby. Crying. Under the bed, where her supposedly parents killed by Taren. Taren had killed widows, whores, rebel teenagers, concubines, men with families, soldiers, but not…. A baby… When Taren picked her up, her crying stopped. She stared at Taren, wide eyed, curious. Using the last of his conscience, Taren decided that it was.. better that she was  brought back, rather than killed. She could become a nurse, or farmer.. and so he jumped from the window, flew to the horizon, with a baby slept soundly on his arms.

It was NEVER on his thought, to actually have a kid. He did had meaningless dangles obviously, but a family ? To become a father ? Never. But there he stood, changing her diaper. The baby started to cry whenever Taren was not around, and she looked like she was the most comfy baby when sleeping on Taren’s arms. In the end Taren decided that she will be his responsibility, because she threw the biggest tantrum when she was handled with the midwives and milk mothers, and Taren did not trust those lame ladies anyways. They treat babies as if they’re fragile creatures, must be protected at all costs. For Taren, babies had to be taught the cruel world from early ages. Let them fall when they learn to walk, so that they will understand pain and refrain from doing the same mistakes again. Besides, the baby seemed to like being handled with Taren. It cried when the midwives put her in frilly dresses, she seemed to grow fond of the lame, comfy baby onesie Taren picked for her. She giggled cheerfully when Taren threw her up on the air, and snorted adorably when she was being carried upside down by him.

Taren the savage arcane warrior ? The beast who always wore armor and kept his wings visible all the time ? 

It was a surprise, really. So Taren could not really blame them, he did not believe it at first either. People were worried about the girl’s future, about how Taren would accidentally sit on her or drop her. Or stab her with that stupid claw armor he wore all the time. Little did they know, Taren was actually a great father, and he loved his daughter, dearly, as a father should. Gold ain’t always golden, and he named her Minaya. 

Minaya grew into a sensible, gentle woman in nature. She was his pride, she was Taren’s 80% impulse control. Taren used to teach her everything, now she taught Taren about compassion, to let go of all the hate and hatred Taren kept, to find his own happiness in the harsh world they live in. It changed how Taren saw the world. Every path Taren took, he calculated how it’d affect Minaya in some ways, he realized how his path were always against what Minaya had taught him. Finally Taren was forced to acknowledge all his past misdeeds. He realized how filthy he was by doing Elgar’nan’s dirty works. He realized how despicable the lies Elgar’nan preached to comfort the soldiers when the poor souls were about to be deployed to an unjust war. He was furious at the evanuris. He was angry at how Elgar'nan’s pride could cost innocent lives, gallons of blood spilled for unworthy cause. He was enraged, for the pride he sought turned out was an illusion. Sweet lies Elgar'nan whispered on his ears, glorifying what was horrible. Exasperated, because the most guilty had the cleanest hands.

When he came back from the battlefield, the pain changed him.

Taren could not just escaped and ran away from Elgar’nan, he could not just joined the other “better” evanuris. He could not defy Elgar’nan, he could not risked Minaya. Elgar’nan was merciless, he was utterly cruel to those who oppose him. He was called a “god” for a reason. Taren was helpless against his fate.

Minaya, of course, realized it. Taren’s pain was her own, she was always there for him during Taren’s difficult times. She gave him a reason to keep thriving for a better future, to keep the fuel burning. She turned his pain into wisdom, helplessness into fortitude. His daughter was the only light in his dark path that kept him away from being astray.

Just when Taren thought about starting over, to do things right - Mythal was killed. It was a catastrophe, the world was on fire. The sounds of the blacksmith forging metals filled the sky, soldiers kept marching day and night, the whispers of prayers were heard everywhere Taren goes. Taren had to accompany Elgar’nan, and left Minaya to her own. She was already a healer at this point and she’d be safe at the shelter, while tending those who were injured. If he kept Elgar’nan close, then Taren would knew what was his enemy up to, right ? Because Taren knew, the death of Mythal was one of many Elgar’nan’s shenanigans all along. Because Taren, was indeed, involved in some ways. Elgar’nan overthrew his own father, what made people think that he would not overthrow his own wife too ? 

Mythal was justice, she cared about her people. Taren never saw Mythal soldiers being sent to an unjust war, when she waged a war it was because of a good cause. Never for her pride. Taren secretly respected her, and Mythal’s right hand too. Solas. War after war raged on, it was pointless. It never ends. Until finally Taren found out that the dread wolf led a rebellion army against the Elven gods. Taren always played the obedient pet role to Elgar’nan, so naturally, it would never occur to Elgar’nan that Taren would betray him. And so he did.

Taren joined the rebellion army, along with Minaya. He wanted a redemption, a chance to regain his dignity back after all he had done. His vallaslin was removed by Solas, for Elgar’nan was no longer his master. The path he took now was even more bloody and jaggy, but it also gave him freedom; a privilege to choose his own actions. It felt right. 

Minaya married one of the healers she worked along with. He was a great, honorable man. Taren cried during the ceremony, the joy he felt was overflowing from his chest. She told Taren to not worry about her anymore, and that he should focus on his dreams, on things that made him happy. So Taren did. He worked along with Solas, they gave the freed slave sanctuary from their tyrannical masters. His people defended the valley in which the sanctuary sat, and he protected them all. Many joined him in his fight for freedom from the gods. (x)

The war did not stop though, and at this point Taren and Solas knew that the evanuris would eventually destroy the world, because their lust for power was insatiable. Taren spent most of his life serving under Elgar’nan, he knew what the gods were capable of. So Solas came up with a solution, and he needed Taren’s help to achieve it. The price for it was tremendously huge, but Taren agreed because it was necessary. 

Kill hundreds to save thousands. It was judicious.

Eventually Solas sealed the elvhen gods within the veil, and for that Taren was utterly grateful, but he also felt intense despair and guilt as he watched the fall of Arlathan. His pain was so great, even Minaya could not made it better. She watched him cried all his tears. Taren succumbed into his depression, his life was now devoid of emotions, it extinguished the fire ignited within him.

So he went to uthenera afterwards, and slept for eternity.

Only to be awoken from his long slumber after the Inquisition disbanded. Confused and not knowing whatever happened to his world, he started his journey to relearn his new world, and to find out what happened to his daughter.

---

ps. Minaya is my Lavellan’s ancestor

[riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice]

so 2020 is officially here and i’ve left my party early to do some INTROSPECTION and SELF ASSESSMENT can i get a hell yeah ??

i’ve started this blog here mainly for myself; i want to see how i progress with certain elements of my life and i think i need somewhere to write down my gotdamn feelings. obviously tumblr is free

i’m setting some goals for the decade right now. a decade is a long time so these are some big goals (plus some little goals)

1. get through university

im 21 and ive only just started university. when i left sixth form the thought of all that debt made me weep so i thought fuck that noise and got an apprenticeship. luckily for me my apprenticeship was incredible and i love my job to bits and now theyre paying for me to do my bachelors in chemistry. ITS SO HARD THOUGH!!!!!! i am very out of practice as a student so the existence of studyblrs is a godsend.. this blog may turn into a bit of a studyblr

2. keep playing piano

earlier this year i bought a piano on a whim (potentially not my most sound financial investment. it was 600 quid) thankfully ive actually practised a lot and im quite proud of what ive achieved (being able to play moonlight sonata and the piano from amelie is a highlight) and i definitely want to keep it up but i have a habit of just giving up for no damn reason. my focus drifts and i never go back. piano brings me a sense of peace and pride and i really do not want to give that up though, so come 2030 i gotta be a pro okay? right

3. write my novel

this might seem like a stupid and unrealistic goal to just pluck out of nowhere but i’ve had this story and these characters running around in my head for sometime now. i havent come up with a sufficient plot summary because its all so abstract in my brain and i need to get these bastard characters out on a page so they can stop disturbing my thoughts

4. learn a language

i say learn a language - i’ve already gotten pretty deep into two languages, russian and swedish and i was quite good at them like conversational at least, but then of course i didnt practice and i got out of the habit and now im like barely remembering any of it. i can barely speak english on a bad day and i am english. so im gonna put my goddamn memrise pro subscription to good fucking use or im gonna have to go back to that demonic stalker hell bird from duolingo

5. lose weight/get fit

over the last couple of years i have put on a lot of weight. i think it might be a combination of getting used to full adult working hours, stress of moving out and becoming dependent purely on my own damn self and not knowing how to cook and kind of just enjoying life a bit too much (not that you shouldnt enjoy life, i mean that i go out and eat and drink far far too often) i dont necessarily want to ‘get skinny’, i just want to be proud of my body and happy with the things it can do. for this ive got a couple of ‘sub goals’:

learn to cook like a normal human being

start going to the gym (that is IN MY BUILDING and also FREE)

try barre balance classes

finally for the love of god, go back and relearn ice skating

6. work on my mental health

so after seven years (!!!) of having some pretty bad issues and low points etc etc. i finally had something of a mental breakdown in june this year. turns out pretending that everything is fine is not a long term solution. so with a bit of help from my mum, i am now in therapy. and boy there is a lot going on. things i hadn’t even thought about since i was a child are actually still affecting me in a big way??? what bullshit. childhood trauma seemed like something that happened to other people and not in my real life. but im working through it. its going to be a long haul journey and theres so much i havent even begun to try to deal with, but if i can stay on the right track and work through it all i’ll be happy. i know its not something that can be like fixed and done with, so if i can just find the will to carry on with everything i’ll be pleased

OKAY, so these are my long term goals. im trying not to put too much pressure on myself to do all of this all the time. maybe ill have a week where i learn 6000 songs on the piano and nothing else. thats cool. although i think uni work may be a bit of a priority that i need to push myself on.... 

but anyway, to anyone who reads this inane ramble, i hope you have a gorgeous 2020 and a roaring 20′s decade and remember -  

stay sexy

[jack-andthestalk]

Bad Decisions

Chapter 1

This is is my first attempt at I hope will be a multi part fanfic, obviously please say if you would like more ..

“Sassenach, did ye no hear me?

Clarie looked at him with a blank expression and prehaps a little annoyance in the look.

“Sorry Jamie, did you want me?

“Aye I was asking did you want to come with the rest of us to mill later for a dip”?

“Eh no, sorry Jamie I can't, if you’ll excuse me Im running late”

And with that she waved her beautiful head of curly hair and disappeared down the corridor. Jamie's stomach tightened He knew there was something seriously amiss with Claire this past few weeks but this was probably the first time she had blanked him so, she couldn't even bear to look at him.

The rest of the day he spent going over how wrongly he had assessed his plan in order to win Claire’s affections, he had long sought her attention, and had recently been inspired by a story Rupert had told him on winning his girlfirends Lizzie heart, and put his plan into action.

Claire lived on the border of his familys land, her uncle had bought several acres from his father about 6 years ago and with that Claire Beauchamp had swanned, flew or glided into his life...she was even at a young 12 years old the most beautiful thing he ever clapped his striking blue eyes on and although he didn't recognise it straight away, he later learned that he was falling in love with her while they struggled through their teenage years. But it was a big bridge to gap trying to turn them from childhood friends to something more as the years went on and Claire grew into a young woman it was hard to ignore her beauty, she was a fire cracker too in temperament too and extremely intelligent. But they had the awkard almost brother sister relationship due to their neighbour status and given that she was his sisters best friend, it only made it harder to get her to see him in any other light than the boy next door.

When Rupert began one night telling him over the stolen whiskey from his father Brian's stash, how he had eventually got lizzys attention , Jamie thought it was genius! he felt like alarm bells went off in his head. Lizzie Rupert’s girlfriend and long time crush simply had never noticed him so after Rupert began dating a string of lassies in senior year, it quickly got lizzies interest and the rest is history, they were now inseperable.

Jamie thought this was gold! He himself knew he could turn lassies heads, his height and build had come into their own the past couple of years and he worked hard in the gym and the football pitch to keep his fitness in top form. His red hair just made him stand out further, so he began his quest to date a few lassies from their year in the hope that it would have the same effect on Claire as it had on Lizzie.

He began with gusto after Hogmanay , he was nearly thinking he might not have to after His father Brian asked Claire and her uncle to spend Hogmanay with his family, he had spent a lovely holiday with Claire . Eating and drinking and lying on the couch in the family room watching movies with Jen and Ian, she had leaned up against him and he had slid his arm around her shoulder, he was in heaven . Later that evening he had grumbled over the sentimental movie Jenny had picked and she had laughed and looked up from his shoulder saying ‘poor baby’ in her cute little English accent, she was staring straight into his eyes so without conscious thought more a magnetic pull he had bent down and put his lips to hers beautiful full warm lips, and was just about to start exploring each other’s mouths when Jenny jumped up and turned on the lights making them jump apart. Damn Janet! God for the few seconds it lasted was like bliss He was sure he had turned her heart a tad after this but once they went back to school she had been quiet with him again and returned to their previous friendship status, so as he fought against the idea of dating others he eventually decided to start the dating game ...

The first few lassies were nice enough girls and he had no problem bringing them to the movies or for a bite to eat but they weren’t Claire and he missed her. He continued on though , a few times just in order to get right under her nose he had brought a date along with their mutual gang of friends , and although she was quiet with him and hoped he had seen a little bit of longing in her eyes she was nothing but courteous and even friendly to the lassies he had tag along.

Well that was until he had brought along the latest and last of his dates. Laoighaire Mc Kimmie, he had known Claire disliked her through school not sure exactly the reason but Laoighaire was the type of girl pleasant enough to the lads but didn’t exactly encourage female companionship, so he just put Claire’s dislike down to that. Laoighaire was pleasant enough to have on your arm and while she was a long way off Claire’s striking beauty she was a Bonnie enough wee thing. He had gone to a few of the lassies beds but that was more his cock in action than him and although the ending was the same he didn’t exactly feel any of them had set him alight . Not the way he felt when he only looked at Claire never mind having her in his bed .

Well it all went wrong after he brought Laoghaire out a few times, Claire left early the first time and didn’t rejoin the gang after that. He soon blew Laoghaire off , and Claire after much persuasion from Jenny rejoined the group outings but she all but ignored Jamie despite his constant invitations or try at flirtation .

That evening after thinking on Claire’s last reaction to him he could take no more and as much as he loathed to get her advise he knocked softly on his sisters door to seek her advise on the matter, as far as he was aware Jenny wasn’t aware of his true feelings for Claire but he could simply broach the subject as a concerned friend ... or that was the plan .

“Come in, oh Jamie what’s up?”

“Eh Jenny, I was just wondering ... Em .. the thing is..”

“Spit it out brother !!”

“I was just em wondering if you knew if there was .. eh .. something up with Claire?”

If Jenny was expecting this question she hid it well under her slanted blue eyes identical to his own .

“Wrong with her? In what way brother?”

Christ she wasn’t going to make this easy!

“Well it’s just she seems to be nearly off with me or something , I can’t quite put my finger on it but she seems to be running away from me every time I see her”

“Oh”

Jenny clearly knew exactly what was wrong .

She lowered her head and pressed her lips together.

“Well I’d imagine it’s to do with Laoghaire”

For a minute his heart soared so maybe his plan had worked if Claire was jealous over Laoghaire . Maybe she still thought he was seeing her, maybe she had engaged in the game to show him what he was missing .. well she needn’t bother with that, he knew fine well already..

“Oh right Jenny I see”

“Do ye though brother?”

“I think so aye, she isn’t keen on me dating the lassie”

“Well maybe that is partially it’ she replied hesitantly ‘but it’s more that you’ve hurt her truly’

Hurt her! Christ he hadn’t thought of that. Claire was too strong willed to have a bit of childish jealousy hurt her. God that was never his intention...

‘Jenny why ... eh what I mean to say is ..

Before he could continue Jenny cut him off.

‘It’s not the dating it’s the person you picked’ she continued. She looked at Jamie as if he could either be mad or stupid.

‘Oh right.. well I Dinna intend on seeing Laoghaire again so il explain that to her..’

‘Jamie I can tell you don’t know the full truth of it so I’m going to explain it to you like you’re 3’

He raised his eyes here but eager for her to continue ..

Laoghaire has treated Claire terrible since she joined our school 6 years ago has done all types of terrible unmentionable acts , wrote on the bathroom walls how Claire is a slut and to be honest that’s the mildest example’ tripped her up in public, called her names in front of the class, she has bad mouthed her to almost all of the football team , although I Dinna think that put any of them off wanting to date Claire’ she continued but that was Laoighaire’s intention.

The last part made Jamie’s heart twist, it never occurred to him that while he played his dating game he had stiff competition from nearly all of his team mates for Claire’s heart! Christ what if she ...

Jenny was on a role though, so she continued to explain as if he was three..

‘In general though she made Claire’s life a living hell’

Jamie wanted the floor to swallow him whole.

“Christ Jenny you cannae think I knew any of this.. I would never .. ever have involved myself with the lassie had I known ..’

‘Aye Jamie I ken that but it nae the point is it?’

‘Janet .. please explain to her I Dinna ken ..’

‘Jamie’ she stopped him.

‘Claire is the loyalist sole I know to her it shouldna mattered what Laoghhaire exactly did to her or if you knew the details of it ..you kenned well Claire didn’t like her, of all the girls you could have picked Jamie what possessed you to pick her!!’

Jenny was exasperated she looked like she wanted to kill him. He didn’t blame her oh god what a fool he was. He couldn’t answer her last question.

The answer stuck in Jamie’s throat, he couldn’t bring himself to confess to Jenny why he had chosen Laoghaire to get Claire’s attention , he already felt enough of a fool.

His heart was literally hurting in his chest. Oh god how would he ever make Claire see.

Jenny maybe having seen his crest fallen expression continued a little more softly.

‘Jamie if the shoe was reversed and Claire kenned someone you mistrusted she would never give them the time of day.. you know she turned down Tom Christie because she knows you dinna like him, Claire told him as much that was on account of her friendship with you, so when you had Laoghaire on your arm he took great delight in chastising her that you dinna return her loyalty, Claire just kept her head held high even though through those weeks you were seeing Laoghaire , she still picked on Claire and pulled her stupid silly tricks. Tell ya the truth Jamie I wanted to knock her out cold but Claire wouldna let me. Claire is too dignified . God even Ian, Angus and Rupert are annoyed at you for bringing that girl around our gang Claire hasn’t been the same since!

Jenny spat the last sentence at him,Jamie actually had a lump in his throat and he wanted to cry.

The look on his sisters face told him there was something else , at this stage he knew he had tears in his eyes so Jenny hesitantly continued but he knew she had to say it that this conversation had been on Jenny’s mind for longer than he realised . She loved Claire and was absolutely 100% raging with him for hurting her so.

‘Jamie’ she said at last ..

‘Of all the girls you dated for God’s sake Laoighaire is the one girl that is the least discreet .. do ye no think that even I have heard about you taking her to bed ? you honestly think Claire escaped Laoighaire taunting her of what it felt like to have you ?

‘Jesus Jamie!’ You do even ken the damage you’ve done to yer friendship.

Jamie thought he heard his heart break

[tobebugjewce]

good [redacted] nobody!

time to log some nightmares, the first one started off a bit slow and it was just about my sister and i being in a foreign country, if i had to guess, i think it was sweden or norway, maybe denmark. anyways we found an abandoned building that was pretty cool so we just were hanging out there until some random ass lady that wasnt even police or anything actually proving of authority tell us to beat it and how we should be in school right now and yadda yadda so we were like hey lady we’re literally foreigners and she didnt believe us so yeah we had to scoot. lame. we started walking aimlessly in hopes it looked like we knew where we were  going; we didnt. but the entire landscape behind the abandoned building we were in was all extremely elevated, and had lots of platforms and stairs to climb up. we eventually wandered into this community area, where there were huge wooden board platforms that ascended so we decided to walk up and saw that it was a ramp of some kind, people with skateboards, rollerblades, etc. were just shredding. we had neither so we were like damn how do we get off here without looking like total geeds. we found our way off and then went inside this tiny shack that had... arcade cabinets?? and people were just chilling, some smoking, which gross. but anyways we assessed that the vibes were decent cause everyone was like a teenager or around our age so we were like yeah this is fine. we kept trying to ask people something but they couldnt speak english it felt like they were all swedish but again idk anyways there was ONE person who spoke english and we were like oh awesome but they were like you have to leave this place and we were like shit why and they said that the sacrifices have begun and we were like uhhhhh what. and so now here comes the nightmare section; everything was gruesomely bloody, i kept getting slaughtered and dismembered and revived and i was in such excruciating pain i managed to block it out but i kept getting speared and torn apart and shredded and the sky was bloody red and it was pretty disgusting. i dont remember how that one ended but i woke up in a cold sweat

now the next one isnt necessarily as scary as it was liminal, but it was a vaguely mall-like setting after previously being in a wooden shack? in the middle of an empty lot in a small, run-down, empty city. its hard to describe but there were multiple people that were prevalent to the nightmare, like main characters. one was an older man who was very very nasty like super mean but lonely and cool once you got to know him, he was really tall and lanky as hell. i think it was his brother? or someone he knew that wore a prosthetic leg, he was shorter but also lanky and had dark hair. these are the only features i can remember about both of these dudes. anyways at some point i was scrambling around this vaguely mall-like area and some girl informed me that things were frozen, and each thing she said applied to real life. all the yellows started turning red, i remember that super clearly. anything that was yellow colored bled into a bright red. everyone was frozen but all in various states of collapse, i had to draw on the man who had the prosthetics’ leg back,, for some reason. i was also in the perspective of a random young man, about in his 20s-ish, im only 18 but anwyays he was in a very interesting relationship with the older man i mentioned before. it was strange but they seemed really in love. it was sweet but also melancholy as for some reason the younger man had to leave. so they made the most of their time. anyways the nightmare veered off into my babushka’s house, but one i didnt recognize at all. it was permanently night time, and i couldnt let her see me for some reason, because whenever she did she got scared. me and someone else, my sister maybe, were being rushed away/out, and i was panicking because things kept materializing that i had to grab and take with me or i’d never see them again and it reminded me a bit of my garbage ass grocery store job and the whole fear of running out of time especially when the spotlight is on you, etc. anyways i dont remember when or how i woke up but i was also sweating profusely and super cold after this one. it sucked major.

[almasidaliano]

Plot Twist: IT IS A RACE THING

let's rip the bandaid off. it's a race thing. "oh no racism isn't an issue" shut the fuck up. seriously, im disappointed in my people so i'm going to address yall first. my melanated Kings and Queens; darlings what are yall doing? Why are we still taking this? Why are we subjecting ourselves to this kind of disrespect?

are we really just going to sit here and let history repeat itself? going to watch them shackle and kill us all again? what are you afraid of? our ancestors were scared. they were strong in their own way, we are stronger. they kept our culture alive, our roots. they sacrifice their freedom for ours, and look at this. look at us. playing into their game, letting them run the show. have we forgotten about the 1960s? when the civil rights movements picked up? yall forget Martin, Malcolm, Rosa?

if you are African American, meaning black (yes you mixed mfs are black, you can try to tread on the fence but im sorry to tell you, the day will come when you have to pick a side and what's worse is no matter what you pick the world already decided for you.) and born in america; your ancestors are slaves. you can't tell me, your blood, your heritage, your lineage doesn't deserve defending, protection.

we have a constitution. this doctrine is the "LAW OF THE LAND" (still we have individual state laws, hmm). in this document, the rights of people of color, and women were added into the admendments. people of color had to take citizenship tests, though they were never taught to read, and english wasn't even their first language. then there was the segregation. if you skin is pigmented, you are treated differently.

low income areas, "ghettos/hood" areas were designed for the communities to run like crabs in a bucket. they require dependency or rebellion. they isolated and rationed resources, discriminated and interfered with job security, then blamed the citizens of the community for their failures. provided the bare minimum (a bar they set) and do you know why the hate continued? because still we rose.

understand this : WE; ALL PEOPLE, ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EQUAL, HOWEVER WE ARE NOT THE SAME.

this is why the problem started. human were created in "Gods image" (any god you believe in we will indulge the religious conversation later.) layman's terms? we are all gods.

we are not the same kind of gods though. like ying and yang right? so there is light and dark. society told us we should be afraid of the dark, that bad things happen in the dark, that monsters hide there. what's funny is that life teaches us the opposite; teaches us that monsters can dress nice and wear smiles too. there's the story of Lucifer right? Lucifer is not the Devil. the Devil in my opinion is the "God" of evil. like there is good energy and there is bad energy. the universe is made up of both. so boom right? Lucifer was right hand to God and got big headed wanted to be him couldn't boom gets casted out takes a third of angels and boom hell and allat right? so let's just break it down for a second.

alright so first, B I B L E: basic instructions before leaving earth. the Bible is written in code, one, and two it is allegorical. (all melanated people truly do need to crack open a book and get to reading.) Jesus (Yahshua) is melanated, wooly hair bronze skin? come on now. so the idea they are selling is this all power white man is saving us all. truthfully, who cares what he look like if he's here to save our souls? you would think that would be the thought process, however; for some people the truth does not get them what they want so they opt against it. Good and light became associated with white. "wear all white when you feeling godly" its supposed to holy and clean right? pale faces became the face of faith. hasn't anyone realized how blinding light is? the closer you look the less you see. they guide your focus. the stars light the night sky yet we have all of this light pollution, it is simply a means of distraction. the wind talks, did you know that? the trees whisper. nature is beautiful and most of the world will never know.

they divided us by color. our skin isn't even black, however because they are pale, pasty, white; they made us their opposite. even in their classification of us they revealed the truth. you see, white is the absence of all color. it is empty. whereas, black is compromised of every color.

did you know there are two types of humans? yes seriously. homo sapiens and neanderthals. fun fact: neanderthals are structured more chimp like. homo sapiens were living in Africa albinism was prominent so there were a lot of melanated people without melanin, getting skin cancer and dying. neanderthals came about when homo sapiens migrated to Europe and Eurasia. they mated and began creating all the many races and ethnicities we have today.

melanated people are built structurally different than white people. we are naturally stronger, faster, thicker, humane, etc than they are. this is where the hate comes from.

"jealousy is just love and hate at the same time. - aubrey" pride and envy are dangerous things. when trying to compete, they were met with failure and it manifested hate instead of motivation. look at america. it is built entirely on the ideas of others, the hardwork and manual labor of others. those leading our country have done nothing for us. they simply continue taking all the credit.

white people left Britain, and called it "fleeing from religious persecution". the truth is they were fleeing from classism. they were in their element and they were minnows and not sharks. they decided to find a new pond to swim in. they did just that. the Natives were abused, and disregarded. they pretended to be civil and took damn near everything from them, all of their legacies and memories, their safety.

white people are lazy and greedy. this is why there are so many dividing markers in our life, labels, roles. there is a grave lack of family values for them. there is this morphed idea that the world is here for them, like we are all here to aid them. they reek of entitlement. like success, joy, love and prosperity are guaranteed to them just because. it is not on them all. just like melanated people can't help their environment, neither can they. the rude awakening always comes once you become unsheltered from actuality.

the cards are stacked against us from the jump. due to our enivornments, children grow up in broken homes, homeless, or jumping from home to home. single parents run themselves ragged, over stressed. children end up in the streets trying to take some of the weight off of their parents. the world just see thugs and gangsters though. menaces to society. when the real menace is society.

still we rise. still we smile. still we laugh and we love. and its so disheartening, that those are the things festering their hatred for us. no one is perfect. no one is the worst thing they have ever done either. growth is constant.

all we have to do is decide to be ourselves. decide to impact the world the best way YOU know how. white people have talents, a multitude of gifts. instead of trying to get rid of everyone else's imagination, what about losing the fear and choosing to dream yourself? and maybe asking for help, should you need it.

who you are, is who you've always been. i mean, the you, you were before the world told you who you had to be. who you are, has and will never be dependent on anything out of your control. people use the wrong things to assess the quality of a person. things like religious views, political views, music preference, sexuality. things that do not have shit to do with you. its all more division markers.

trust yourself. fuck what society says. what does society actually know? only what they are told. think about this: pyschological control is basically brainwashing. so boom. then you got your mind, your heart and your gut. that would be logic, emotion, and intuition. your emotion and your intuition are in the same section of your body. your brain however, is all isolated while being the storage container for everything you see experience etc in life. your brain is what gets conditioned. all the preconceived notions you have about things came from somewhere. where? we know what we know because they told us. how do we know its true? the thing about logic is, it makes sense. so when your mind isn't making sense yet your heart and gut in agreement, listen to yourself. they tell you think before you speak because their conditioned processor is in your head. always follow your heart.

people on both sides still to this day suggest segregation. like folks really do not believe we can cohabitate in a productive civil mutually benefical and prosperous way and that without segregation, civil war and/or genocide is in the future. here's the thing.  they had every opportunity, to ship folks back, or even kick us out. now folks could just start up and leaving, yet we don't. we tuck our tails and put up with it. why? i think its due to fear of being a foreigner in your true motherland. fear of not being accepted there either. i also think it's due to the way our ancestors were treated; how they allowed themselves to be treated.

so look: i'm a mutt. both sides of the feud, so i can formulate a well rounded argument; however i am black. when the world sees me and when i see me too. i am black and proud, in a world hell bent on making me believe my genes deem me inferior or unworthy to anyone. i say that to say, nothing will change until we stop fighting each other and start fighting for one another. they misused and abused us. chained and locked us away like animals. beat us like animals. and before they started more actively and carelessly attacking us out loud again, they got smart. gave us rights, gave us "homes" "communities" we were grateful. for this illusion of freedom. we must get uncomfortable with this false freedom. they treated us like animals, then tried to make us the villians, fearful we would retaliate, when all we ever wanted to do was live, joyously in harmony.

they cannot stop hating us, because we will never hate them. its a losing battle for them. still, if we don't stand up and fight we will lose in the end. fear and trauma also sparks compliance in them. bears are not violent creatures. but you don't poke a bear you know? melanated people are bears. currently acting like bears at the zoo. how long are we going to let them poke the bear?

melanated people need to unite. Dr. King tried peace and it worked for a little bit. it was a bandaid fix. now it's time to try Malcolm's approach.

Thanks for listening. -Almasi.

[themoneybuff-blog]

Why financial literacy fails (and what to do about it)

April is Financial Literacy Month in the United States. This is a pure and noble thing. I think it's great that there's one month each year devoted to promoting smart money habits. That said, it has become increasingly apparent over the years that most financial literacy programs fail. They don't work. And this isn't just me speaking anecdotally. In a 2014 paper from Management Science, three researchers conducted a meta-analysis of 201 prior studies regarding the efficacy of financial literacy. Their conclusion? Interventions to improve financial literacy explain only 0.1% of the variance in financial behaviors studied, with weaker effects in low-income samples. Like other education, financial education decays over time; even large interventions with many hours of instruction have negligible effects on behavior 20 months or more from the time of intervention. To put it in plain English, financial literacy education makes no discernible difference in behavior. People who take personal-finance classes manage their money no better (and no worse) than the general population. We're pumping tons of money and time into a fruitless endeavor. All of this push to promote financial literacy accomplishes nothing. Zero. Nada. Why is that?

It probably won't surprise you to learn that I have some strong opinions on this subject. Today, let's talk about why financial literacy fails (and what to do about it). Note: This afternoon (April 24th) at 4 p.m. Pacific (7 p.m. Eastern), I'll be part of a Facebook Live interview about this very subject. If you're free at that time, you should join us! Update: Here's the entire interview. Why Financial Literacy Fails Financial literacy fails because it almost universally addresses only one part of the problem: math and mechanics. FinLit (as it's sometimes called) focuses on facts and figures while largely ignoring behavior. This is insane. This is like promoting sex education that talks about penises and vaginas while never discussing what it's like to be madly in love with somebody, so in love that your brain stops working. For sex education to be effective, it has to deal with real-world circumstances and behavior. It has to teach about psychology and emotions, not just body parts. The same is true with financial literacy. In fact, the same is true with actual literacy. The National Assessment of Adult Literacy says that working literacy has two components. The operational piece of literacy focuses solely on knowledge. It involves word-level reading skills such as recognizing words.The conceptual piece of literacy focuses on everyday tasks: Literacy is the ability to use printed and written information to function in society, to achieve one's goals, and to develop one's knowledge and potential. The first part of literacy is about mechanics. The second part is about practical application. Modern financial literacy efforts spend nearly all of their time on the knowledge piece. I've reviewed maybe a dozen FinLit programs over the years. Most pay no more than lip service to behavior, to the conceptual piece of financial literacy. Let me give you an example from my own life. When I was in high school (w-a-y back in the mid-1980s), every senior in our district was required to pass a class in personal finance. It covered topics like compound interest, the Federal Reserve, how to write a check, and the dangers of credit cards. I took that class. I aced every test. And five years later, I had the beginnings of a debt habit. I'd mastered the knowledge but not he behavior. The behavior was never taught. From what I can tell, the kids from my high school grew up to be no different than the rest of Americans. We learned the basics of financial literacy, but it had no perceivable impact on the way we saved and spent and earned. We still made stupid mistakes. We still spent more than we earned. Why? Because facts and figurs are only one-half of financial literacy. (And I'd argue they aren't even the most important half.) The solution to financial literacy isn't to feed people more facts and figures. It isn't to teach them how bonds work or to explain the sheer awesomeness of a Roth IRA. If we want to boost financial literacy in the United States, what we really need to promote is behavioral education. Behavioral Finance Personal finance is simple. Fundamentally, you need to know only one thing: To build wealth, you must spend less than you earn. The end. That's it. We can all go home now. Everything else simply builds on this. Why, then, is it so hard for everyone to get ahead? For some people, the problem is systemic. There's no doubt that some people are trapped in a cycle of poverty, and they truly need outside help to overcome the obstacles they face. But for most of us, the issue is internal: The problem is us. In other words, I am the reason that I can't get ahead. And you are the reason that you can't get ahead. It's not a lack of knowledge about compounding and credit cards that holds us back, but a chain of bad behavior. The math and mechanics of personal finance are easy. It's the psychological side of money that's hard. One of the key tenets of this site is that money is more about mind than it is about math. That is, our financial success isn't determined by how smart we are with numbers, but how well we're able to control our emotions our wants and desires. There's actually a branch of economics called behavioral finance devoted exclusively to this phenomenon, exploring the interplay between economic theory and psychological reality. There's a new wave of folks who are exploring the gamification of personal finance; they're trying to turn money management into a game. More and more, experts are seeing that our economic decisions aren't based on logic, but on emotion and desire. It's time that financial literacy programs incorporated these new(-ish) approaches into their curriculum. For years, I struggled with money. I knew the math, but I still couldnt seem to defeat debt. It wasnt until I started applying psychology to the situation that I was able to make changes. For instance, I used the debt snowball to pay down my debt in an illogical yet psychologically satisfying way. It worked. And Ive learned that by having financial goals such as travel Im much more inclined to save than if I have no goals at all. Behavioral Literacy

To me, the answer to our country's crazed consumerism and poor financial skills has nothing to do with traditional financial literacy. (Okay, maybe it has a little to do with traditional financial literacy.) Instead, I see two fundamental problems that need to be addressed. First, we soak in a bath of the mass media. We're constantly exposed to a barrage of programming in which we're given subtle messages about what people do (or should) consume. We cannot help but be influenced by the power of marketing. (I've talked to many people who think they're immune to marketing. I just shake my head and think, You, my friend, are the most influenced of all.)Secondly, we don't think about our spending. We spend on impulse. Or we spend to subconsciously keep up with our family and friends to keep up with the Joneses. We spend to make ourselves feel better when we're down and blue. We spend to show off. We spend on things we think we want instead of the things we actually use and do. We spend because spending is a habit. Instead of teaching Americans about credit cards and rates of return, we need to be teaching them about behavioral finance. We need to be showing them how to break free from the marketing messages that are all around. We need to be showing them how to set (and achieve) personal goals, especially financial goals. We need to teach skills like conscious spending. There's a reason that my core message doesn't start with math and mechanics. It starts by asking people to think about their goals and purpose. This is the piece of financial education that's missing in our society. This is what financial literacy education ought to be teaching. Note: For a clear demonstration of how I'd approach financial literacy if I were to design a program, check out my Money Boss Manifesto. It's a free ebook that outlines the financial philosophy I've developed after nearly fifteen years of reading and writing about money. The Bottom Line Sometimes people wonder why we don't spend more time on the nitty gritty of money around here. Why we don't cover more topics like where to find the best credit cards or how to create a budget? It's because deep inside, I believe these things are secondary. I believe behavior is more important. Building a better budget isn't going to change your attitude toward saving and spending; but changing you attitude toward saving and spending could very well lead you to building a better budget. Ultimately, if we want Americans to be smarter with their money, we need to encourage them to consume less media to avoid advertising and we need to teach them to master the emotional side of personal finance. We need to show them how to change their behavior. We need to appeal to their self-interest. We need to help them find intrinsic motivation to save. Each of us needs to dig deep inside to find what it is that's important to us, what it is that brings us joy, and we need to prioritize that instead of all the other garbage. I'm not suggesting that we abandon traditional financial literacy completely. But I think a constant push for more financial education is a waste of time if it's only going to focus on mechanics, to stick to facts and figures. To truly be successful, financial education has to address the behavioral side of money because that is absolutely the biggest piece of the puzzle.

Author: J.D. Roth In 2006, J.D. founded Get Rich Slowly to document his quest to get out of debt. Over time, he learned how to save and how to invest. Today, he's managed to reach early retirement! He wants to help you master your money and your life. No scams. No gimmicks. Just smart money advice to help you reach your goals. https://www.getrichslowly.org/why-financial-literacy-fails-and-what-to-do-about-it/