#I made a friendship w a older guy in work and he is gay but he's v straight passing and tbh I even though he had homophobic vibes b4

[getgonebyfionaapple]

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[rosy-cheekx]

Heard you were looking for prompts :) 1 of 2 - From favorite tropes: Blind date set up by mutual friends! And maybe combined with "I'm speechless you're so beautiful" from the fluff & kisses (and other stuff) prompts. Go wild with it!

This will go to AO3 soon, but it was a lot of fun to write and a nice distraction from any hypothetical realities the TMA fandom may be experiencing. 

Double-Blind: 5K

Martin smelled like espresso. He wrinkled his nose and dusted his hands on his apron uselessly, as if doing so would rid himself of the months of coffee, cinnamon, and hazelnut baked into his skin.  It wasn’t all that bad, he supposed, except what was the point in using cologne if it was going to be immediately overpowered?

The bell above the door jingled and Martin jumped, pulled from his thoughts on cologne and what he would like to smell like, given the opportunity. Sandalwood, maybe? Tobacco and vanilla? The musky-sweet smells are nice, they have a nice mix of feminine and masculine to them, almost—

“Ahem.” An exaggerated clearing of the throat, once again whisking him from his distractions. Martin locked eyes on the woman across the counter from him, grinning mischievously. “Welcome back to Earth, Martin.”

“Oh! Oh. It’s just you. Hi, Georgie.” Georgie Barker, a regular customer, moderately well-known podcast host, and most importantly, one of Martin’s favorite people to see at the tiny coffee shop he spent more time in than his own flat.

“Just me? Excuse me.” Georgie pouted and crossed her arms, coily hair bouncing around her face as she shook her head. “I’ll have you know you should be grateful to see me this fine afternoon, Martin Koffee Blackwood!”

Martin grinned and dropped the act. “I always am, Georgie. But I told you, there’s not a—”

“Like I said, you should be happy to see me.” Georgie barreled on. “I have good news.” She cocked her head and pondered the chalk-covered board behind the counter. “Two chai lattes, please. And make one of them extra spicy?”

Martin rang up the order and passed two cups down to Rosie, all the while checking the door surreptitiously, ensuring a little chat wouldn’t hold anyone up. “Okay? Spill.”

Georgie’s phone was in her hand, and she waved it at Martin like it contained the secrets of the universe. “D’you remember my roommate, Melanie?”

Martin nodded, pursing his lips. “Vaguely. I thought you guys were dating.” He raised his eyebrows, waiting for her to elaborate.

Georgie waved a hand dismissively, rolling her eyes. “Not the point. Anyways, she has a friend of a friend-“ Georgie frowned for a moment, “…of a friend who is looking to get back into dating. Mel says he’s short and nerdy and prickly until you get to know him. Apparently a real pain to work with according to the friend.” Georgie smirked and pulled a sticky note from her back pocket. “Thought maybe you’d want his number.”

Martin grimaced at the blue piece of paper as she smoothed it to the counter with a firm motion. “Wow, George. Really selling it.” It was his fault; they had bonded over being queer back in July when Martin had worn his gay and trans pride buttons and Georgie was proudly sporting her own pansexual patch firmly affixed to her laptop case. One lunch break discussing quirky exes later, their friendship had been sealed. Mentioning offhandedly that he was on dating apps and hating every minute of it seemed to have rooted itself in Georgie’s mind and had grown like weeds until she had taken it upon herself to become his personal wing woman.

“Do you even know his name?” Martin asked, regarding the string of numbers on the piece of paper in front of him.

Georgie blushed, shrugging apologetically. “Friend of a friend of a friend. Sorry mate. Melanie said he likes cats, documentaries, and-” she made air quotes with her fingers, “-being uptight.”

“Wow.” Martin chuckled in disbelief. “Really selling it here.”

Rosie sidled by Martin and set down Georgie’s lattes, who shrugged and picked them up after dropping a few coins in the tip jar. “You have his number. Just think about it, Blackwood. Melanie’s friend doesn’t spread the word about someone unless they’re something special.” She blew a kiss (clumsily, considering the cups requiring the attention of each of her hands) and made her way to the door.

“I just want you to be happy!” She called out as the January winds pulled her out the door and into the grey afternoon.

Martin chewed on his lip as he considered. January was always a tough month for him, and he had been feeling a little lonely recently. He really didn’t see anyone besides his coworkers, customers, and his mother. As much as he enjoyed his job, he wouldn’t call anyone there a romantic interest. He folded the sticky note and stuck it in his pocket as his next customer approached the counter. He did like cats, after all. Maybe that would be a good starting conversation.

--

Jonathan Sims groaned and shifted the stack of books in his hand as he inspected the knee-high table that was buried amongst the fiction books. He hated working the children’s section of the library. Although no food or drink was allowed, there always seemed to be crumbs everywhere. He was starting to wonder if children just manifested them. He made a mental note to come back with disinfectant wipes after putting the stack of child-suitable biographies away and turned, nearly walking straight into the chest of one Timothy Stoker.

“A-ah!” Jon jumped instinctively backward, clutching the books closer to his chest in an attempt to keep from dropping them. “Tim! Good lord, there’s really no need to be sneaking up on me like that.”

Tim grinned wryly and shrugged, taking half of the books from Jon’s arms. “Sorry boss, thought you heard me.” He gestured for Jon to lead the way through the half-sized bookshelves; an unnecessary act seeing as Tim worked the children’s library much more frequently than Jon did.

“I’m not your-” Jon sighed, deciding this wasn’t the hill he wanted to die on today. He made his way through the shelves, sliding books into their correct placements with practiced hands. “Do you need something?”

“Actually,” Tim checked a Dewey code and slid a book into a shelf a few rows down. “I don’t. But you do.”

Jon stared blankly, uncomprehending. Tim chuckled and gestured with a cock of his head towards the research section. “Melanie said she has a friend who has a friend she wants to set up on a date. And while normally, I’d jump at the chance-” he waved his left hand, the silver ring inset with tiny diamonds flashing in the fluorescents, “I’ve been wifed up and I don’t think my dear Sash would appreciate my going on a blind date with a stranger.”

Jon frowned, setting his stack of books down and eyeing Tim. “What, so I have to?”

Tim shook his head, a patient smile on his face. “No, no one is forcing you. I just think—well. It’s been a while since your last relationship and you’ve been a little…testy, recently.” The look on Tim’s face dared Jon to contradict. “Melanie says he’s apparently a really good guy, very kind and sweet and patient. I think his name is Melvin? I kinda tuned out after she wrote down the number she got from her friend.”

Jon scoffed, pushing his glasses up his face as if that would help him comprehend the absolute ridiculousness of what Tim was saying. “Y-You want me to go on a date with this guy, Melvin? Because I’ve been…grumpy? That doesn’t seem very kind to this mysterious date.”

Tim pursed his lips. “I just think you could benefit from seeing someone who doesn’t work here. I mean, we love you Jon, but god, you need to get a social life. I’m practically begging you.” Tim’s purse elongated into a pout, eyes going big and starry. Jon inwardly groaned. Tim was his oldest friend here at the library and he really never learned how to resist that face. Maybe he should ask Sasha.

“One date,” Jon promised. “I’ll do one date. And then you never set me up again.”

Tim grabbed the rest of the books Jon had set down and added them to his stack before whisking himself away down the aisles. “If we’re lucky, I’ll never have to!” He called down the aisles, grinning madly. Jon sighed and grabbed a small pink sticky note that had been stuck to the countertop, running his eyes over the numbers before slipping it into his pocket. He’ll call later.

--

Martin stared resolutely at the numbers on the blue sticky note, running his thumb over the curled edge of the paper, slightly stained from some sort of milk during the shift. Even his apron pockets weren’t foolproof. The underground was busy and he was jammed between an older woman who smelled weirdly like salmon and a man who seemed utterly too well-dressed to be on the tube. Elbows crammed into his side to keep from nudging anyone, he pulled out his phone and stared at the messaging app for what felt like several minutes. He typed the numbers into the message bar and watched his cursor blip in the body of the message.

Hey whats up?

No, that would be so weird.

Hiya, this is martin!

Georgie never said the man’s name, would this mysterious date know his?

Hey I think the alphabet is missing I and U together.

Gross. Just gross. Martin grimaced inwardly and chewed on his lip, thinking carefully before typing.

Hi! My name is martin. my friend gave me your number, hope thats okay. she said you were really nice and recommended we try a blind date. if this is too weird, I get ignoring it. but if youre game, I am! :)

As he finished typing, he heard the familiar robotic voice of the tube announcing his stop. Quickly, Martin shoved the phone in his pocket and carefully forced his way through the crowd and onto the platform, mind cast to what he had accessible for dinner.

----

It took Jon a few days, until Saturday, to remember to call the phone number they had been given. They could text, they supposed, but they always appreciated hearing someone’s intonation a little better. Especially a stranger, ugh, they shuddered at the idea of not being able to decipher the tone of this Melvin. It was half-past 11 when they decided to call, hoping this would be late enough in the morning to not wake him up.

The phone rang momentarily before a surprisingly feminine voice answered the phone. “Hello. This is Rosie. You’ve reached Swirl Café and Bakery.”

Well shit. This was not what Jon expected. They stumbled over their rehearsed speech, trying to scramble words together in a way that made sense. “Uh-sorry, I must have the wrong number. I-I was trying to speak to Melvin?”

“Mmm, sorry. No Melvin works here. We have a Martin, but he’s off the clock. Would you like to speak to our manager?” Rosie’s voice was clipped and courteous, but Jon could hear the bustle of voices in the background. It must be their weekend rush.

“Ah-uh, no, no thank you.” Jon shook their head into the phone, before remembering that did not translate aurally. “It’s alright. Thank you anyways.”

“Sorry, mate. Thanks for calling!” The dial tone droned on for a moment before Jon hung up, sighing and pressing the heels of their hands into their eyes. That was a waste. Melanie must have been playing them; Jon knew they generally didn’t get along, but they didn’t realize she would stoop so low. Honestly, shame on themself for getting excited about a date.

Later that evening, Jon was cooking and listening to music through the speaker that balanced precariously on a shelf next to their stove. The music was low, with a variety of orchestral instruments and sultry, smooth voices. Jon’s eyes were half closed as they stirred the curry in the pan in front of them, letting the music and heat of the kitchen entangle them in a sleepy feeling relaxing their whole body. As the cello in the song dipped low and resonant, Jon stood still, letting the music sweep them away—

They jumped as the ringer alerted them through the speaker that they had received a text, glaringly electronic compared to the rich notes of cello and viola that had been so rudely interrupted. Sleepy feeling gone as adrenaline washed through their body, Jon sighed and retrieved their phone, checking for the message.

An unknown number flicked across the screen:

Hi! my name is martin. my friend gave me your number, hope thats okay. she said you were really nice and recommended we try a blind date. if this is too weird, i get ignoring it. but if youre game, I am! :)

i meant to send this a few days ago but I never hit send. sorry ab that! rosie said someone called the café asking ab me and i assumed that was you bc i wasnt expecting anyone else and no one involved in the blind date thing ever asked for my mobile number.

if it wasn’t you, oops! either way it reminded me that i had never texted you. :)

Jon squinted at the screen as they read the messages a few times over. That was…a lot of words. So his name was Martin. It was certainly nicer than Melvin. Jon agonized over their words as they typed out a response.

Hello Martin. That was me who called the café…I hope it didn’t cause problems for you. Blind dates aren’t usually my thing, but my coworkers think I need to get out more. I’d be happy to meet you for dinner or coffee. Even if we don’t get along, we can say we’ve done it.

Unless, of course, you’re rather sick of coffee. I prefer tea anyways.

…not “done it” done it. Just. Had the blind date.

Jon winced at their follow up texts. God, that was embarrassing. Martin probably didn’t even take it that way until they bothered to clarify. They shook their head, warding away the growing anxiety in their chest and tucked their phone in their pocket as they turned their attention back to the simmering curry. Jon had embarrassed themselves enough for one night.

----

Martin chuckled at the texts that came through; one slow and the two follow-ups rapid. He could feel the awkwardness through the messages, desperately trying to give a good impression. He chuckled to himself as he set down his dinner plate.

dinner sounds perfect. but same about the tea! and about the coworkers tbh, my friends think im making friends with the espresso machine. which, i am, but only bc its good company haha.

btw i never got your name?

Martin’s phone was silent the rest of the night, as he plodded his way through a mediocre dinner and shower before settling into his armchair, desperate to work on his poetry. Words came slowly to him recently, thoughts about the world and darkness and the intersection of fall and winter. He really should up and move to somewhere warmer, he thought to himself, before laughing the notion away aloud. Yeah, right. He rolled his eyes and tried to focus on the poetry prompts book he had found at the charity shop. “Use noncolor words to describe a color.” Great. Martin settled back and tried to focus, but kept finding himself checking his phone impulsively, the foamed latte art he’d photographed, one of a cat he was particularly proud of, stared back at him judgmentally.

As he drew his evening to a close, Martin almost missed the buzz of his phone, now plugged in by his bed, as he brushed his teeth.

Congrats on the espresso machine. And my name is Jon. Anywhere you want to go for dinner?

________________________________________________________________

Jon hesitated, thumb hovering over the icon that would open a video chat with Tim. He didn’t want to come off nervous, but… he was.

Texting had been going well. Martin was good at keeping the conversation going and genuinely seemed to enjoy the long texts Jon had sent regarding his irritations with the research he was conducting as a part of his master’s in literature, asking him questions about details Jon had added for context. Martin was easy to talk to, too, he always seemed to have an opinion on subjects but always ones Jon was happy to hear, even if he was objectively wrong about spiders and oolong tea. Martin had sent an awkward text, letting Jon know he was trans and that if that was a dealbreaker he should tell him now, one Jon had blushed over and responded that he was nonbinary himself, and that it certainly wasn’t. The “okay fantastic! :))) remind me of your pronouns? he/him for me.” that followed it up had made Jon’s heart sing.

They had agreed to meet at an Italian place, equidistant between their flats and not too fancy. Martin had commented about getting ice cream after, but Jon wasn’t sure if he was joking or not, since it had also been a jab about Jon’s preference for rum raisin. Thus, he was staring at his wardrobe, paralyzed with indecision. Tim had offered to help, which Jon had initially rejected since he’s “not a child Tim, I’ve dated before. And I know how to dress myself.” But lord if he wasn’t wishing for someone to lay out his clothes and tell him to behave. He grimaced and jabbed the video chat button, bracing for the onslaught of teasing to come.

----

Martin adjusted his collar for what must have been the twelfth time, sucking on his lip as he waited at the reserved table. He hadn’t been there long, no more than five minutes, but his anxiety had been building up all day and a part of him was absolutely certain Jon wasn’t going to come. Neither of them knew what the other looked like; what if Jon saw him and had dipped out immediately? He was wearing mint green, as he had promised, so Jon would recognize him, and brought a bouquet of daisies, mostly because it felt weird not to bring anything, but he didn’t want to be too romantic. Not roses or anything. Besides, Jon said he liked daisies, said they reminded him of an old friend. Martin hoped it wasn’t too weird. He brushed his auburn curls out of the way of his eyes, part of him regretting not having gotten a haircut first, but he tucked those thoughts aside as he surveyed the restaurant from his vantage point.

He blinked in confusion as he watched long curls make their way towards him. Dark black hair, streaked with white, half bunned up in the back and rest left to hang loose, skimming purple-covered elbows. Martin wasn’t sure if they were wearing flowy grey pants or a skirt, but either way, the faint black pattern to them was stunning and Martin couldn’t help but watch the swoosh of the hemlines. As the person got closer, Martin realized they were tiny, stylized eyes.

“Ah-you’re Martin, right?” It took Martin a second to realize this absolutely beautiful person was talking to him.

“hmm—Oh! Yes! You must be Jon.” Martin stood, unsure whether he should shake Jon’s hand or hug him or? But Jon solved the problem himself by sitting, and so Martin did as well. “It’s nice to finally meet you…in person, that is,” he added, grinning shyly. “You look lovely, by the way.”

Jon blushed. “Ah, thank you. Y-You too. O-or handsome, whichever you prefer.” He sipped his water and fidgeted with his hands, eyes flicking around the room nervously before coming around to rest on Martin.

Martin shrugged. “A compliment is a compliment, they all work. Speaking of—what pronouns are you feeling today? I remember you saying it varies.”

Jon shook his head slightly. “I’m not going to pitch a fit either way, but ‘he’ is just fine.” It was nice to be asked. The library respected his pronouns, of course, but something about Martin going out of his way to make sure he was on the same page was… It made Jon’s heart thud deep in his chest.

They made small talk about the travel, the weather, Italian food preferences until the waiter came and relieved the tension. Martin felt his shoulders relax after they both ordered; it felt more real somehow.

“So,” Martin asked, sipping his water demurely, a smile tinged on his lips. “Melvin, huh?”

Jon choked on air for a moment. His mouth gaped open and shut again and Martin couldn’t help the grin overtook him. Jon’s embarrassment was sweet; his cheeks flushed and he bowed his head slightly. It was a lovely look on him. “For the record, that’s what I was told by my coworker, Tim.” Jon made air quotes with his fingers. “‘Melvin or something.’ Who was I to question your name?”

“Right, and I’m glad you respect names ‘n’ all. But Melvin?” Martin chuckled to himself, shaking his head. “I’m not the decimal system guy.”

“Nn-mmm,” Jon shook his head, nose wrinkled in a way Martin found particularly cute. “That’s Melville. Melville Dewey.” Jon emphasized, back straightening. “Distinctly different. I’m a librarian, actually.”

“Oh!” Martin blinked. “That makes sense. You work with Melanie, then, I assume?”

Jon grimaced again. “Unfortunately.”

“She’s not that bad!” Martin insisted. “I’ve met her once or twice and she’s been very polite.”

Jon rolled his eyes. “For someone who’s getting a degree in parapsychology, she seems very judgmental.”

“Oh? And what are you studying again?”

“English Lit-hey!”

Martin grinned behind his glass of water. “Just saying, I haven’t met an English Lit student who wasn’t obscenely pretentious.”

Jon faltered for a second and slumped his shoulders in defeat, though his voice still seemed to carry humor, albeit dry. “Unfortunately, I am no exception.”

“Well, I didn’t say I didn’t like it.”

Dinner arrived smoothly, shrimp scampi for Jon and eggplant parmesan for Martin. They ate slowly, chatting more about Jon’s graduate degree, Martin’s affinity for fiction and poetry, and their shared interest in tea.

“So, are you vegetarian?” Jon gestured to the eggplant on Martin’s plate. Martin wobbled his head slightly, not quite a negatory shake of the head.

“It’s complicated. My mother has—had—a sensitive stomach so we didn’t eat meat growing up. I think that turned me off the taste. And there’s something about the texture,” he shuddered. “Weirds me out.”

Jon’s eyes were sharp, boring holes into Martin’s in a way he should have found alarming, but instead found soothing. “Mine, too.” His tone—softer, almost reverent, clued Martin in: he wasn’t talking about being vegetarian.

Martin nodded, and gently placed a hand on Jon’s, the one that hovered near his drinking glass. “I’m sorry.”

They were quiet for a moment, Jon’s hand was small and warm under his, and Martin could feel a thin silver bracelet clinging to his wrist. Martin was amazed by how perfectly his fingers rested over Jon’s, how nice it must feel to hold hands with him on a walk or side by side against the world. Jon cleared his throat suddenly and reached for his glass, gulping down water while staring steadfastly at his plate.

Martin felt his own blush rise through his cheeks and pushed a stray noodle around his plate. “So, here’s a question,” he began, eager to clear the tension. “You said earlier your friend Tim gave you the number to Swirl, right? I don’t know a Tim. So how did he know me?”

Jon frowned, cocking his head. “Technically, I got the number from Tim but that was via Melanie. She said her roommate was friends with…well, friends with you.”

“Mmhmm, that makes sense. I know Georgie from the coffee shop.” He was about to continue when he saw absolutely paralyzed look on Jon’s face. “You…you alright?”

Jon was stock still, pausing the forkful of shrimp that was en route to his mouth. “Sorry, Melanie’s roommate is Georgie?”

Martin nodded slowly. “Yeah, Georgie Barker, that podcaster. She gets her an extra-spicy chai latte from Swirl most days and that’s about the most I know of the relationship. Why, you know her?”

Jon put the fork down, shrimp forgotten, and sighed, running his thumbs along the bridge of his nose, pushing his thin-rimmed glasses up to his eyebrows. “Y-yes, she’s kind of…my ex.”

It was Martin’s turn to freeze. “Sorry?”

“Mmm, yeah, we decided we were better as friends. It was back in Oxford. But I don’t exactly see her often much anymore.” Jon winced at his own words, as if he knew how bad they sounded.

Martin sat back in disbelief, chuckling to himself. “Y’know, she said you were a ‘friend of a friend of a friend.’ D’you think she even knew it was you?”

Jon cocked his head in thought. “I guess not. I mean, I think the whole library staff has been gunning for me to relieve some tension. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve been looking for a blind date for me for months now.”

Martin grinned, eyes sparkling. “Well, no matter. It was lucky for me.” Lucky again, was Martin, when he was rewarded with Jon’s warm blush.

----

The bill had been a painful affair, with both Jon and Martin vying for the privilege of paying. Martin struck a deal: he’d pay for the dinner, and Jon would pay for ice cream. Jon knew the differences would widely outweigh when it came to cost but he relented, and the self-satisfied smirk that blossomed over Jon’s face was payment enough.

Martin pointed out the ice cream parlor was a few blocks away and, though it was January, they decided to walk. The fresh snow on the ground glinted against the orange street lamps, and Jon laughed under his breath at the way Martin took great care to step on any unusually large clumps of snow, like he had a personal vendetta. When Jon’s chuckle had made it past the scarf he had wound round his neck and mouth, Martin had glanced over, embarrassed.

“I like the sound of it,” he mumbled, suddenly very meek for a man his stature. It was, regretfully, endearing. Martin was tall, but he was big too, and it was obvious underneath the layer of soft cashmere and chub, there was rigid muscle, and beneath that still, a gentle heart. Jon was struck by him, in more ways he had prepared himself for, and it felt second nature to slide his gloved hand into Martin’s and give it a solid squeeze of acknowledgement.

“Do you think it’s too cold to get ice cream?” Jon asked, watching a cloud of breath float by his lips.

Martin shrugged. “Technically? Yes. But who’s going to tell on us?” Jon swung their entwined hands a little. “Unless…you don’t want to?” Martin added, eyes locking on Jon’s before his head followed.

Jon shook his head. “No, I want to. I believe we have a debt to settle and I have a personal score involving rum raisin.” Martin beamed, clearly pleased, and Jon was certain the snow around him melted right off with the warmth of his smile. Jon leant into Martin’s side a little, and they continued in silence until they reached the ice cream parlor, the entrance to which glowed with pink and white LEDs.

Jon smugly ordered a scoop of rum raisin and was delighted to find Martin “didn’t hate it,” though he insisted his mint chip was better. That was genuinely the best Jon could hope for; not even Georgie in all her unusual tastes enjoyed his rum raisin sensibility. “My grandmother loved it when I was a kid,” he explained between bites, stirring the ice cream with his spoon. “It was the only flavor she kept around the house.”

“Not even vanilla?” Martin gasped in mock disbelief. “Any sensible person would say you’ve been tricked into enjoying it.” Jon chuckled and elbowed Martin mildly.

Jon found himself lingering over the bowl, realizing that the end of their dessert meant an end to the date. Martin seemed to be acting similarly, putting his spoon down between bites and taking more and more thoughtful swallows between their bouts of conversation.

“You-you took the tube here, right?” Jon asked, setting his finally-empty bowl off to the side. At Martin’s confirmation, Jon clenched his fist below the table. “Do you want to walk to the station together?”

Martin’s eyes lit up, nodding eagerly. “I had meant to ask, actually! I wanted to make sure you got there safe.” Jon winced at the blush that overtook his cheeks, though it was easy to blame it on the chill of the ice cream and the frigid night.

The walk to the tube was longer and the pair, heavily sated by pasta and dairy, were quiet, making soft comments about the snow or the odd remaining Christmas decorations, hands clasped tightly and shoulders pressing into the other. The fluorescents of the underground shone brightly, normally a beacon calling travelers home in the night, but to Jon it felt like a dreadful curse. He truly hadn’t expected to enjoy his evening with Martin so much, but they had just clicked. It felt like a shame to let it go.

Swiping their cards, Jon and Martin passed through their respective turnstiles and stood at the bisecting tunnels through which the various lines waited to take them home. They faced each other in silence, hands still interlocked, unsure of how to begin.

“If you’d like to,” Jon murmured, eyes shifting focus to Martin’s curls, plastered to his forehead from the snow; his collar, peeking through his coat; the way the shell of his ear seemed to have a nick missing (was it from a childhood accident? Just the way it was grown?). “I’d like to go out again.”

Martin squeezed Jon’s hand, and Jon’s eyes flitted back to Martin’s own; they were grey-blue and reminded Jon of his childhood sea. “Mmhmm, yeah.” Martin rolled his eyes at his own words and tried again. “Yes, Jon, I’d love that.” Martin moved to hug Jon, a gesture Jon eagerly accepted, relishing the warm arms encircling him and the feel of Martin’s chin resting on the crown of his head. As they pulled away, Martin’s eyes flitted across Jon’s face and the hand around his back moved, cautiously, to rest on the side of Jon’s neck.

“I…I don’t want to presume,” Martin said quietly, and Jon was distinctly aware of how empty, how big, the station was. “Is it okay if I kiss your cheek?”

Jon blinked rapidly, nodding wordlessly, before clearing his throat. “Ah, um, yes. Please.”

Martin’s smile was soft as he pressed his lips to the apex of Jon’s cheekbone, almost into his hairline. Jon was sure the blush that rose across his face this time certainly couldn’t be explained away by the snow, but he honestly wasn’t really sure he cared.

[jamiiviper]

The Jamil Essay

this is a reupload of a post i made a couple of weeks ago - previously it was an external link to a google doc, so it never showed up in any of the twst tags, but i worked so hard on this and i would really love it if more people read it, so i’m reuploading directly to tumblr.

to put it simply, this is a 3.7k word character analysis purely about jamil. and even with a word count like that i wasn’t quite able to cover everything i wanted to say, so who knows, maybe there’ll be a part 2 one day. i’ve also decided i do want to write a kalim version, so i’ll probably start working on that sometime soon! stay tuned!

trigger warnings: mentions of child abuse

jamil is the vice dorm leader of scarabia, who’s been kalim’s caretaker practically since birth. he puts on a facade of not standing out, preferring to remain completely average, and plans his life around kalim’s antics. as we learned in chapter 4, however, his true feelings are that he bears a lot of resentment towards kalim, and that he wants to stand out - he just wasn’t allowed to, as he can never surpass kalim.

in this essay i want to cover not just my personal interpretation of jamil, but also some common misconceptions that people tend to have about him. twitter doesn’t have this problem as much, but with tumblr i’ve found that there are very few jamil stans, especially in the theory and writing communities - meaning it’s quite common for people to misunderstand his character. in the fandom as a whole, it’s common for people to only acknowledge him insofar as “gay for kalim”. 

firstly, jamil’s character development in the main story - i would say he’s arguably the best-developed character in twst, since yana now has enough chapters available to flesh out characters after their main story arc ended. jamil holds very deep-seated resentment against kalim, to the point that he plotted to betray him for probably several years. he plotted to have kalim not just thrown out of nrc, but thoroughly ruin his reputation in the process. after his overblot, those feelings did not magically vanish - far from it. i think earlier twst chapters suffered from arcs being wrapped up a little too neatly post-overblot, but pomefiore’s arc has already proved itself to be the exception and thoroughly covers not just jamil’s continued dislike for kalim, but also the wider consequences for what he did.

since the twst school year begins in september, we know jamil is about 9 months older than kalim. from literally the day kalim was born, jamil’s life has been dedicated to kalim. possibly since the day jamil was born, and he was always fated to be kalim’s caretaker. it may even have been the reason he was born at all. either way, it’s not like he remembers those 9 months. all jamil has ever known is that his sole purpose must be to serve kalim. he must not have desires of his own, he must not do anything for himself - from childhood he was expected to be ready to give up his life for kalim at a moment’s notice. he can’t be good at anything - kalim must always be better (i’ll cover this in more depth in a later paragraph, this philosophy is key to his character). his own parents drilled this into him, even going to the extent of hitting him if he didn’t comply. it seems he has a normal relationship with his family despite this - he bickers with his sister like regular siblings, and pre-overblot he indicated that his desire to be free from servitude wasn’t just about him, he wanted to free his family. nonetheless, the psychological damage his childhood caused him is severe. is it any wonder his unique magic is mind control, when he’s never had an ounce of control over his own life?

moving onto his early teen years, we know both jamil and kalim were severely poisoned at one point, both falling into comas for around two weeks. although we don’t have a timeframe for jamil’s coma, we know kalim’s was when they were around 13 years old. if jamil’s was around this age too - probably a short while afterwards - i think it’s plain to see why jamil’s resentment began to build. he’d have been around the age where he first started to question why his life has to revolve around kalim. why should he be expected to die for someone he doesn’t even like, who’s spoiled and doesn’t realise how much jamil does for him? kalim takes everything for granted: status, friendships, freedom, and jamil is meanwhile left in the shadows with nothing. then one day kalim gets poisoned so badly he falls into a coma - how much do you want to bet jamil was blamed for that, at the age of 13? after that he’s expected to taste-test anything kalim eats beforehand, and eventually starts making all his meals for him because the risk of poison is so high otherwise. then one day he slips up, or it’s an undetectable poison, and jamil is the one to fall into a coma. is anyone blamed for that? does anyone pity jamil outside of his immediate family + kalim? no, probably not. after all, he’s just doing his duty, right? it’s truly… no wonder jamil’s resentment became so intense. he finally has proof that his life truly does not matter. although kalim certainly cares about him, he doesn’t understand jamil’s position. he sees jamil as a friend, an equal; jamil knows this can never be the case, and he also knows kalim is too privileged to ever hope to understand. 

fast forward on a couple of years to jamil receiving his nrc acceptance letter. he thinks that finally, finally he’s going to be free. four years of freedom - and who knows, maybe after that he can be free forever! he can finally excel at his classes and be his true self, without fear of upstaging kalim! 

and then kalim gets accepted a month late. for no reason other than his surname. 

and then kalim gets sorted into his dorm.

it’s a miracle he didn’t just overblot on the spot - but that’s his nature as a scarabia student. careful foresight and planning. this moment was, undoubtedly, the moment he started planning his betrayal. he had his one month of freedom ripped away, just like that. 

oh, don’t forget the fact that not long after, kalim was made dorm leader not because he notably embodies scarabia values at all, but because of nepotism. (side note: most scarabia stans agree kalim does actually reflect scarabia values, just not as obviously as jamil does, but either way jamil himself wouldn’t see it this way. this is a jamil essay so i won’t go in depth about this unless asked to!)

under kalim’s watch, scarabia - known for its intelligence and cunning - is turned into “the party dorm”. this seems to be the fandom’s perception of them too - i mean, just ask any non-scarabia stan what goes on in scarabia, that’s probably the answer they’ll give you. jamil would have probably loved the original scarabia; although we don’t know much about it, we know scarabia students are on a par with octavinelle when it comes to intelligence (paralleling azul’s constant interest in jamil). yet by winter break, scarabia is doing so badly in those same exams that they didn’t even place in the rankings…? without meaning to, kalim clearly harmed scarabia. instead of getting chance to study magic and show off, jamil is now essentially an unpaid, full-time party planner by the time his second year starts.

a few months later, winter break finally arrives, and jamil executes his plan to dethrone kalim. i may have just spent the last two pages defending jamil’s grudge, but his actions themselves are still indefensible. there’s evidence to suggest kalim knew what was occurring on some level - refusing to answer jade’s question about who was hypnotising him proved that 1) he probably had some idea deep down that jamil was betraying him 2) he doesn’t want jamil to get in trouble for it. nonetheless, this does not make what jamil did okay in the slightest, even if kalim allowed it to happen. jamil is, undoubtedly, the bad guy in this situation, no matter how sympathetic his childhood makes you feel. i could go into detail about why kalim acted the way he did, but again, this is jamil-focused.

i’ll skip talking about his overblot, because i covered his hatred for kalim in a lot of depth already and i want to talk about the general aspects of his personality like his desire for praise later on. so moving onto the end of chapter 4, we see jamil’s true self: a snarky, heavily opinionated boy who honestly just wants to be free to be himself.

but just like his freedom, that side of jamil once again only lasts for a brief moment. jamil almost loses everything after his overblot. practically every scarabia student hates him and wants him thrown out of the dorm - even kalim, his sole defender, can’t call him a good person. he’s a traitor. he says he trusts the scarabia students to work out that it’s better for them if he stays, but that day won’t come any time soon, and until then he’s keeping his distance from them all, because their hatred is that strong. if azul truly had been streaming to more people than just jade, his life would have been ruined beyond repair. so what does jamil do? he goes back to serving kalim. as a scarabia student, his foresight is good enough that he knows the option he hates the most is the only one that’ll be good for him in the end. for jamil, being himself is nothing short of a death sentence.

now i’ve talked for far too long about the timeline of his character arc, i can finally get to the good stuff: jamil’s personality, and how it’s changed throughout the stories we’ve seen so far.

the first thing that springs to mind when you think of jamil, other than “snake”, is probably “tired”. or “he’s going to snap”. something along those lines. which... yes, we know he is. he did snap. after chapter 4, this doesn’t seem to have changed too much, but i do get the impression that he’s somewhat less stressed out by kalim. his resentment has dissipated, for the most part (he does still openly insult him, though), so while he does grumble at kalim there’s no suppressed fury behind it. what replaced that fury?

guilt.

in 5-10, jamil tells azul that he intends to continue to obediently follow kalim around in order to restore his reputation, both inside and outside of scarabia. this does of course make him sound pretty selfish (as per usual), and in classic jamil fashion he doesn’t let his true emotions show, so it’s easy to take this at face value and assume he just doesn’t really care. i think in this case, we need to look more at his actions that we see throughout chapter 5. namely, the way it’s being emphasised how he’s silently watching kalim from afar - something he’s always done, yes, but yana seems to be really making a point of it in chapter 5. it’s not just kalim he’s distancing himself from, either. he’s staying away from the rest of the scarabia students too, as mentioned earlier. he never had any friends at all to rely on, even before his overblot. so by doing this, he’s effectively completely isolating himself. he clearly has a lot of thoughts about everything that he’s not sharing with anyone - just listen to the way he sighs at the end of the flashback in 5-10, how annoyed and frustrated he seems. if jamil was telling the truth about just wanting to restore his reputation, he’d probably appreciate kalim’s efforts, even if he dislikes kalim himself. he shouldn’t be upset by kalim persuading the scarabia students to give him another chance. not if he truly just wants to get back to normal. i think on some level, jamil feels incredibly guilty over his actions. he might not have even admitted to himself yet that he feels this way, and by saying things like “i just want to restore my reputation” he’s just trying to convince himself. after all, that’s something he has a history of doing.

ever since jamil’s first introduction, we’ve known jamil lives his life by the philosophy of “not standing out is the best way to succeed”. he hates standing out or receiving any kind of positive attention at all, because he thinks that it’ll only attract trouble. or so we thought, because as we learned from his overblot, jamil desperately wants to stand out. he’s powerful and intelligent, and he wants people to acknowledge that. he wants the praise and recognition he knows he deserves. this means that whenever he said he didn’t want to stand out, he was lying through his teeth - he probably constantly tried and failed to convince himself of this throughout his childhood. during his lab SR story, he even repeats it to himself in his thoughts, like a mantra - “I want to avoid standing out. I can’t be satisfied with this. I cannot be too good, nor fall behind, and neither should I get satisfactory grades or fail. This is the best shortcut to success.”. much like his feelings of guilt, jamil refused to acknowledge how much he truly wanted to show off, even in his own thoughts. he is awful at being honest to himself.

post-ch5, we find out that despite everything, jamil does still hold this philosophy, to some extent. he of course shows off his singing and dancing skills enough to be chosen as a main vocalist, and he says he wants to make a name for himself and show various people just how talented he truly is: kalim, his family, the asims and MC, to name a few. yet in the chapter before that, when kalim compliments his singing and dancing, he’s like “i don’t really want to stand out, but…”. which is honestly a little confusing at first because he does want to. i’d probably interpret it as something along the lines of he wants to show off to the people he cares about, but he still wants to keep his head down in general. so i think that to some extent, maybe he actually has internalised that philosophy now. the one time he truly expressed his desire to stand out, it ended in catastrophe for him. he has this tiny seed of doubt within him now, telling him his parents were right all along. but... he’s working past it, and applying himself as and when he’s comfortable doing so.

going back to him being bad at being honest, jamil’s a pretty big tsundere. there’s one person he does regularly receive praise from: kalim. yet despite desperately wanting to be praised, he often gets annoyed at kalim and tells him something like “this isn’t about me right now” or “what does that have to do with anything?”. plus when the praise is coming from kalim, it’s often in the context of kalim praising him to other people - as a servant, he can’t be seen accepting all these compliments, right? he can never be better than kalim. so he has to reject kalim’s praise. when it’s just the two of them alone, though, is when jamil gets embarrassed to the point he has to hide his blush under his hood. given his childhood, chances are that he doesn’t really know how to process being praised. he knows he wants people’s approval, but when he actually gets it, he just short-circuits. it was the same at his birthday celebration; although he wants to be the centre of attention, when it actually happens, he gets all embarrassed and tsun. i was trying not to let my own personal feelings spill in this but oh my god he’s so cute i can’t

next... this isn’t really linked to any previous topic, but i want to talk about jamil’s cooking! jamil cooks all of kalim’s meals, and regularly cooks entire feasts for kalim’s parties, too (as well as being in charge of getting any animals kalim wants to show off, decorating the dorm, making sure everything runs smoothly… you get the idea). his cooking is very good, and he has a lot of technical knowledge about cooking too - azul, whose parents run a restaurant, didn’t know about emulsification, but jamil was able to explain it to him. despite being so good, though, according to his dorm SSR homescreen lines he doesn’t actually like cooking very much. he says the fact that he cooks so much is “just how things turned out”. of course, he could just be being a tsun, but i do feel like he’s being honest with this - what reason does he have to seriously enjoy something he was forced into doing his entire life? However there is evidence that he might enjoy it after all; he’s particularly good at alchemy because of his cooking knowledge, and according to magical archives he’s completely neutral in motivation for both flying and history lessons, but has slightly higher motivation levels for alchemy, indicating that he can’t stop himself from putting a little bit extra effort into that class. i think it can be interpreted either way with the canon info we have currently, but regardless i would not say he’s the cooking fanatic people often depict him as. 

also, when jamil cooks, although his cooking is good, visually it’s usually very boring, to the point he and his sister would bicker over it. he has the technical skills to cook good food, but no idea how to present it. similarly, in his fairy gala SR he was told that although he perfectly memorised the dance, it was boring to watch - it looked like he was just executing the routine without any passion behind it. jamil is so emotionally repressed that he has no idea how to express his individuality. even in his bedroom, the only truly personal items he owns are a first aid kit (related to his servant position, not him as a human being) and a stereo + headphones set for dancing. he doesn’t have any other hobbies or interests - he doesn’t even know what people his age do for fun, because he’s never been allowed to think about such things. 

dancing is all jamil has that’s not directly related to serving kalim, really - but even that ties into his servant status. although he genuinely enjoys it nowadays and dances by himself for fun, he only picked it up as a hobby because kalim wanted to go to dance practice, and of course jamil had to accompany him. when his flashback after his overblot talks about him deliberately losing to kalim, the story focuses specifically on a dancing competition. which is why it’s honestly so important to jamil’s character that chapter 5 focuses on a singing and dancing competition. jamil finally has the chance not just to show off his skills in general, but his skills at the one thing he’s been allowed to love throughout his life. the one thing where losing to kalim at it hurt so much that it was such a prominent memory for him. when jamil was chosen as a main vocalist, he instinctively tries to say kalim would be better suited for the position, but stops himself and accepts it. it clearly means so much to him that he was chosen for this.

okay i started to scare people with how long this was getting when it was only 50% finished, i think if i write anymore people will actually be concerned for my health so i’ll leave it here. if you read all of this, thank you so much for putting up with my anime boy brainrot for over six full pages! i really.. really like jamil. again, i most certainly do not think his actions should be defended, but god if they’re not fascinating to read about. and i hope i covered the other sides to him well enough, the things that you’d never ordinarily pick up on because so few people talk about him outside of him and kalim as a pair (both platonic scarabia + romantic jamikali, i mean). he has so much depth to him that people don’t see and god i could easily have gone on for another few pages if i wasn’t forcing myself to stop. but please please talk to me if you want to hear more...

yana has treated him so well, jamil stans get too much food if anything but i’m absolutely thriving off it as you can see! thank you for allowing him to exist, yana-sensei!

having said that, i couldn’t stop myself from adding some extra facts about him below. please enjoy.

some fun jamil facts for your soul:

his sister used to bake him cookies on his birthday - specifically, these!

when jamil and kalim went to eat at the cafeteria with ruggie and leona, leona took one look at jamil and went “you look like you’d kill kalim in his sleep”

sebek and jamil find each other’s positions enviable. sebek wishes he could have been by malleus’ side from birth as jamil was with kalim, and jamil just… wishes he served someone he respected as deeply as sebek respects malleus (but he does think sebek is too enthusiastic)

jamil hates surprises with a burning passion, and despite being with kalim for 17 years is still not used to them. for his previous birthday, kalim held a huge surprise party, and i think he still hasn’t recovered from the shock

i think a lot of people already know that in his birthday SSR story he said he wanted a parrot after graduation so he could teach it to call him master, but it goes a bit further than that? it was actually first mentioned during his lesson chats, when kalim gets a parrot. jamil has to research how to care for it, and ended up wanting one of his own afterwards (but got too tsundere to admit it at the time).

also, he heard that the sorcerer of the sands’ parrot (iago) could speak as fluently as a human, and he got excited and watched a bunch of parrot videos on magicam, but was of course disappointed to find out that this was not the case.

he frequently uses flattery to try and get his way, like when he attempts to flatter vil during his SSR story - unfortunately he misjudged vil, as vil’s actually the type of person who hates meaningless flattery. because he does this so frequently, when he genuinely does give compliments people don’t always believe him.

according to the halloween event, jamil is surprisingly environmentally conscious, and insists on holding a sustainable halloween theme. after organising so many parties and seeing the waste they probably produce, i think there’s no wonder he’s so concerned about it.

[carrionxcamille]

Ribs of Friendship | Cam, Adam, Cece, & Winn

Timing: Happy hour, June 1st Location: Dell’s Tavern Parties: Camille, Adam- @https://walker-journal.tumblr.com/, Cece- https://thebickedwitchoftherest.tumblr.com/, Winn- https://packsbeforesnacks.tumblr.com/ Summary: An unlikely group get absolutely blasted! At the Sports Bar and get to know eachother over crude jokes and ribs. Just another Totally Normal day in White Crest.

Camille pretty much had a job, finally. Which meant she’d be able to start saving up for a deposit on a flat and could get out of the shitty motel with the vampire neighbors. A reliable supply of hot water, a proper kitchen, her own bedsheets. It was going to be amazing. First, though, she was going to do something spiteful and petty. Jace was going to rot in a prison cell for the rest of his life. There was a Sox game showing this afternoon at a place called Dell’s Tavern — they were baseball, that was all she knew — Camille was going to drink beer, eat ribs, and watch the game. Even though Jace didn’t even know she was alive and would have no idea she was spending her afternoon doing three of his favorite things, it was going to be very satisfying.

She’d been so excited she had even straightened her hair and put on a little makeup for the occasion. Sitting at a stool on the bar with a cool bottle of their cheapest beer waiting for her ribs, Camille was as happy as she’d been in weeks.

“Hey there.” 

Adam sidled into a chair next to Camille. A Sox baseball cap was perched precariously on a mop of the unruly brown hair. Wearing a sleeveless t-shirt with a suggestively shaped pair of baseballs under the phrase, “I’d Hit That,” and a much loved pair of worn jeans, the young man fit in well with the crowd. A lazily jocular edge to his smile hinted that Adam might’ve been pre-gaming well before the first pitch had actually been thrown.  “Enjoying the game?” Adam asked, despite his brown eyes following the soft lines of Camille’s oval face down past her lithe shoulderline, far more intently then anything having to do with baseball. 

Sports bars had to be one of Cece’s favorite places. Not because she enjoyed sports, but because she enjoyed the environment inside of them. The camaraderie, the excessive drinking, the excited energy of the place. Hell, Cece even enjoyed a good bar fight every now and again. She had convinced Winn to go out with her for the night, ensuring him that it was totally his responsibility to pay for the drinks. 

They met up outside of Dell’s. “Looking good, Runaway. I think ditching town gave you some street cred. You’re really nailing that Ponyboy look.” She patted his shoulder endearingly and opened the door into the bar. “How many drinks do you need to tell me about that whole shitshow?”

The only use Winn had for baseball was for metaphors, and even then, they were all played out. But everyone up north crowded around for Sox games, and Winn felt an obligation to go out and mingle (though, really, Cece didn’t have to convince him to drink). Ponyboy? “Took you more for a cowboy gal, Cec. But we’ll find you a nice ponyboy. Ain’t gonna be me, but don’t you worry.” It occurred to Winn, belatedly, she might not be referring to that kind of ponyboy, but he’d take the L. She might get a laugh out of it.

As they walked into Dell’s — where Winn was half-sure he was gaining regular status despite his relative sobriety compared to the rest of the barflys — Winn caught sight of Adam in his element: flirting with a woman who was older than him. (Though, even queer as a three dollar bill as Winn was, he could admit Adam had taste.) “I can tell you ‘bout part of the shitshow,” he said to Cece, “but I think it’ll be much more fun to push ourselves into that shitshow.” Was he about to badly wingman a straight Hunter for a laugh? Absolutely. If Adam couldn’t stick a landing, he didn’t get to stick it in. “C’mon,” he said, hand pushing on Cece’s back as he guided them to the disaster-waiting-to-happen.

It was a long time since Camille had gotten much male attention. Being married to a guy like Jace didn’t exactly do wonders for your self esteem — she knew she wasn’t ugly, but feeling attractive and wanted was markedly different from just acknowledging that you had a pretty face. This kid who sidled up to her at the bar — and wasted absolutely no time letting his eyes wander from her face to her breasts — was what, mid twenties? Sharp jaw, muscular arms. The crude t-shirt was enough of a shock to her system to get her mouth working — almost. “Uh—” Eloquent. “Me? Yeah. I mean, I don’t— y’know, I don’t really follow baseball but it’s— Yeah. It’s good.”

Christ, thankgod his face was nothing like Jace’s, or she might have some heartbreaking flashback to their younger years. His smile had always taken up practically his whole face back then. Camille sipped her beer, trying to process what was happening — what, was he just overly friendly? There were plenty of hot young girls around to chat up. In fact another one just walked in. What was happening? “What about you?” 

Broad shoulders shrugged at the question as Adam’s face beamed in a faintly flushed sunbeam smile. “Happy, Horny, Healthy, the usual,” he assured Camile, before putting one arm on the bar and leaning forward toward her a little. “Hey… so babe,” the young man’s smile and tone softened into a manner of conspiratorial intimacy. Adam’s bottom lip brushed against his upper teeth speculatively as his dark jasper eyes submerged below Camile’s neckline before eventually raising to meet her gaze again. “Maybe you’d be up for…”

“Yo Winn! Oui disaster nipples! Over here! 

The moment was broken instantly as Adam caught sight of someone he knew from the crowd, the footballer’s free arm waving insistently to catch the newcomers attention across the crowd.

“First off, I don’t think you and I are on the same page about Ponyboy at all.” Cece squinted, not sure she even wanted to know at this point. Not until she had more alcohol in her. “Second, I’m equal opportunity. People are lining the streets to get to me. I’m just disinterested.” With a shrug, she eyed the pair across the bar that she assumed Winn was pointing too. “You’re totally changing the subject. But why is Prom King flirting with that grown-ass woman? I’m guessing you know one of them?” As if on cue, the boy started waving his arms in their direction. Bingo. Of course Winn knew the hot jock. 

Cece pushed through the crowd to get to the two, eyeing the both of them suspiciously as she got up to them. She had no idea who either of them were, but was trying to assess the situation here. Did the woman need an out or was she welcoming of the company sidled up next to her? Cece offered a knowing smile to the woman before turning towards the guy. “Excuse me, sir. Don’t you have a science lab or high school playoffs coming up? Can I see some ID?”

“Yeah, I know him. But ixnay on the eavinglay ‘round him, alright? Promise I’ll tell you later,” Winn said. Given Adam’s attempted distance, Winn was almost surprised to see the other man wave. Delighted, but surprised. He sidled in next the other man, wrapping a loose arm around Adam’s shoulder and giving him a shake. Winn spoke loudly, turning the charm and cheese up to their maximum. “Aw, c’mon, Cece. Can’t you see he knows what he’s doin’? He’s shootin’ his shot! And who knows, maybe this lovely lady across from me digs the,” he snorted, remembering Adam’s own term for him that first night, “fuckable boybander vibe.” 

“Winn Woods,” he said, reaching around and in front of Adam to the woman to offer his hand for a shake. “I’m Adam’s gay best,” werewolf, “friend. I can tell you all sorts of,” fake, “secrets about the guy, before you make your decision. And if you pour your drink in his lap, I’ll be there like a real bro to towel him off.” He smirked, winking from behind Adam’s sight at Cece and the other woman. “And Cece, babe, I know you don’t know sports, but playoffs would’ve been, like, a month ago or more.” 

Oh god, that smile. That was Jace all over. The sight of it had made Camille melt, once upon a time. Admittedly it was not ineffective now, she felt her own lips curling up at the corners in a reciprocal smile. She blinked, surprised by the statement — he was… horny? Did people just admit to that these days? What was she meant to say? Luckily, there wasn’t much time for her to worry about what kind of response to offer because he barrelled forward, and she didn’t lean back when he leaned forward.

Would it be so terrible? To flirt a little with some handsome fool at a bar? Now that would really piss Jace off. She wanted to know what she might be up for. Again, though, her chances were dashed when he noticed a couple of friends. Camille shot the woman a wide eyed but bemused glance, trying and failing to stifle a laugh at her quip. He was young, of course, though to Camille the girl did not look much older, and neither did the other man. “Fuckable boybander vibe,” she repeated as she shook Winn’s hand, amused by how accurate of a descriptor it was. 

Very quickly she had all their names — how useful — and almost entirely forgot to introduce herself, lost in trying to keep up with everything Winn was saying. “Camilla W— uh—” Actually, yeah, she didn’t want to stick with Watkins. “Dugar.” Better. She could say Watkins had been her married name, if pressed. “Nice to meet you. All. Not the worst vibe, for the record.” She shot Adam a quick grin, really having no idea what else to do — very out of practice with the flirting. “I can — sorry, if you guys came to hang out I can go sit somewhere else, I don’t want to be in your way.”

“Sure.” Adam made reaching around behind to his back pocket into an excuse to brush an arm close to Camille. He retrieved his wallet and held it out for Cece’s pursal, the contents indicating that he’d turned twenty two on this past January 14th. “I’m legal,” he said absently while leaning forward with his I.D into a none-too-subtle pretense to give the blonde bombshell a once over...and then a second over...and around the third over seeming to remember that evolved homo-sapiens engaged in conversation sometimes. “But if you still want to drag me outta here, rough me up a bit…” He looked up into Cece’s green eyes with a submissive puppyish expression. “Definitely wouldn’t complain.” 

The hunter let out a long whistle at Winn’s statements, the bird-song lilt hinting at a life spent outdoors. “Towelin’ me off...” Adam replied in a thickly affected Tennessee drawl, “when y’ talk all hot and purty like that Mr. Lee,” he continued with a soft playful punch at the man-hip now blocking his way to the ladies. “... why, it nearly flips me ass-up.” 

However Camile’s protestation snapped Adam out of the banter. “Woah, woah Camilla.” He leaned back with both elbows behind him on the bar, craning his neck past Winn. “You’re the star of this party. You been in White Crest long?” 

Ah, the elusive bromance. A tale as old as time and a relationship with weirdly sexual undertones. Cece loved a good bromance. Winn cozied up in the chair next to Adam while Cece still stood between Camille and Adam’s seats. She had to admit, Adam at least had the charming thing going for him. Cece couldn’t decide between rolling her eyes at the dude or flirting with him. “You’re cute.” Cece reached out to pat him on the shoulder. “Make sure to treat me right in your dreams.” 

Apparently, Camille got the wrong idea that the three of them had come to hang out. “I agree with Troy Bolton here. We’re all in this together now. It wouldn’t be any fun without you.” She assured Camille that Adam was right and she should stay with the group. 

Confident that he was alright, Cece found the stool next to Camille and flagged down the bartender. She ordered beer for herself, pointing at the others. “Put in your orders. First round’s on pretty boy over there. Well, the farthest pretty boy,” she said, pointing past Adam at Winn. 

“Mmm, awright, sweetheart,” Winn grumbled, jokingly, into Adam’s ear, letting out an exaggerated groan when the other man ‘punched’ him. He had to admit he was mildly impressed at Adam’s quick turn from joking to… well, about as genuine as Winn was sure the boy could be in public. As Adam tipped his head back, Winn plucked the hat off of his head, throwing it, backwards, onto his own sweep of hair, ruffling Adam’s affectionately. Gotta give the boy a little more tousle if he was hopin’ to impress two women in front of him.

“They’re right,” he said, evenly. “We didn’t come here for this mess,” meaning Adam, “we came here for this mess.” He threw a thumb back at the taps. “And as my darling Cece has pointed out, I’m buyin’. Owe her, taken some of Adam’s for free… and haven’t seen you ‘round these parts, so I figure I’m payin’ it forward.” 

When Cece got the bartender, Winn rolled his eyes. “Beer, Cec? And here I thought you were a classy woman.” Then again, Winn told the bartender to get him ‘whatever,’ so he wasn’t picky or nothin’. Turning his attention to Camille, he smiled, “Picked a wild time to come into town, if you’re new here. I’d promise that the ocean wasn’t always black, but… that would imply that somethin’ wasn’t usually going down. And that,” he said, laughing, “would be the biggest lie I ever told.”

Camille was really having to focus to keep up. Three people was not really a crowd but it felt like it to her, especially with them all chattering away and asking questions. The way they all bounced off each-other made her miss her old friends. By the time she’d died Camille hadn’t really been close with anyone- trying to keep your crumbling marriage a secret could have that effect- but there were a few people from work she’d had this kind of easy back and forth with. She was unsurprised when Adam blatantly checked out the other girl of the group- that was young guys for you, attention span of a goldfish- and she was sure whatever appeal she might’ve held moments ago was now forgotten.

Still if they wanted here to stay… Well, there was no harm right? They were young and loud and here to drink and probably weren’t going to ask anything too invasive. She’d come here to have fun, a group would probably help with that. And more beer definitely would. Camille shuddered at the mention of the black ocean, “um, I’ll just have another one of these.” She told the bartender, lifting up her near empty bottle and draining the last of it. “Got here just over a month ago actually, in the midst of all that mad stuff with the, uh, mimes.” 

God this place was fucking nuts. “Grew up in Bangor though, so I was always hearing crazy stories.” Now she was one of them, she supposed. “Didn’t expect eyeballs out of my damn taps though, I gotta say that one really threw me.” 

“Yeah, fish eyes are used as bait a lot,” Adam said in an amiable baritone that could convey steady normalcy even if a very building they sat in was engulfed in flame. “They do it all the time in Cook’s Bay,” he claimed while making an order of his own. “Fucking crazy that a bunch of bait would get yeeted into the harbor same time as the big oil spill, its friggen Deep Water Horizon all over again. Hope all the fishing crews get compensated once a lawsuit gets through y’know?” 

Like many Hunters, Adam was charged with the preservation of the supernatural world’s secrecy, a delicate balance between making sure that humans were safe from supernatural threats and ensuring that paranormal communities were safe from the witch hunts and hysteria of ages past. A lifetime of assuring people that everything was perfectly normal even as Spawn rampaged through graveyards, churning rips in space-time disgorged eldritch horrors, and children went ‘missing’ in Trow dens had cultivated a warm soothing mien that invited everyone else around him to buy into the banal lie. 

Everything was fine. What a terrible oil spill. Wolves can’t be people. That’s crazy! 

“What made you decide to come to White Crest, Camilla?” 

Either Adam was crazy off his ass or he was purposefully moving away from the conversation of the eyeballs. With Camille’s back turned to her, Cece shot Winn a suspicious glance as if to convery, Who is this dude? He did a pretty good job trying to normalize the whole eyeballs coming out of water pipes though, so if nothing else he was either good at making up falsehoods or way too invested in explaining the supernatural away. 

“How does anyone end up in White Crest?” Cece interjected, accepting her drink from the bartender and taking a gulp of it before continuing, “A bit of bad luck and a dash of poor decision making.” Cece flipped Winn off, “For the record this beer was on special tonight. That’s hella classy.”

“You’d have to be on somethin’ to take that case,” Winn grumbled, and then, because it probably was a smart idea to lie to Camille, “I’m sure the fishers will fight the town for lettin’ off-shore drilling go on like that.” Winn reached around Adam as Camille’s eyes were on the game for a moment and twirled his finger at Cece, an implicit Just go with it. Regardless of the hard-to-explainability of White Crest this week, they couldn’t really lead with “Hi, we’re a witch, a werewolf, and a Hunter, how’re you today?”

“Don’t have to go on the cheap just ‘cause I’m paying, y’all, by all means break the bank.” There was a part of Winn that hated flashing money around, but that part was easily combated by the part of him that hated drinking cheap shit. And the beer on special was cheap shit. He tilted his head at Cece for a moment, considering, and ordered her another drink, something nicer (and, frankly, more alcoholic).

Fish eyes. Right. Camille sighed, aiming an annoyed glance at the sigil on the back of her hand. There was a time when she’d have rationalized it away like that, too. But then she’d come back from the dead and it was hard to ignore that the world was full of strange and terrifying things like re-animated corpses and whatever problem had eyeballs coming out of taps. Maybe their cluelessness was a good thing, she needed some normal in her life. “Right, fish eyes. No wonder it stinks so bad, crazy.”

She nearly choked on the first sip of her new drink when Cece made her comment, grabbing for a napkin to cover her mouth while she cleared her throat and recovered. “I hope not too much poor decision making. I—suddenly needed a new place, but I didn’t want it to be in Bangor because that felt like a step back.” Camille twisted the napkin up in her hands, but despite the tension to her body there was a smile on her face, “I just left my husband.” It was the first time she’d said that out loud, and even if the way they’d take the statement—a divorce—wasn’t totally right, it was close enough. 

A plate of ribs was set down in-front of her and she laughed a little, remembering why she’d come here in the first place. “Ribs, beer, and sports were three of his favorite things. I saw that this place was showing the game and figured I’d come here to spite him.”

“So you're free...niiiice,” was apparently Adam’s sole take away from Camille’s confession. His dark eyes followed the banter between Cece and Winn, letting the resident werewolf dude reach around him to make some random gesture. Winn made a twirling motion at Cece, which Adam didn’t understand the context of. 

Nevertheless, while Winn was doing that, Adam made his own addendum of sticking a finger in his mouth in slow suggestive rhythms for Cece’s edification, before gesturing with his head towards Winn and Camille before making the fingers of one hand frantically hump the other fist. This was concluded with the footballer making a heart to Cece, followed by two thumbs up. 

Confident that this pantomimed proposal of a foursome definitely helped whatever Winn had been trying to say, Adam turned his attention back to Camille as her food arrived. 

“I dunno, poor decisions can be... fun sometimes,” assured Adam with an innocent choirboy smile as he made progress on the drink that’d arrived for him. 

Clearly, Winn wanted Cece to roll with the mundane excuse. She wasn’t going to fight it. She had moved here for a regular life after all. That had all gone to hell in a prada purse about a month into it, but the idea had really been pure. She didn’t plan on ruining that for anyone else. Especially someone as seemingly innocent as Camille. The poor girl had no idea what she had gotten wrapped up in. Winn, Cece, and assumingly Adam weren’t crazy in the supernatural sense, but in a bar? Havoc could ensue. And Camille seemed to not only be caught in the middle of it, but had the spotlight shown down on her. 

Cece stared back at Adam as he… what the hell was he doing? Fingering his mouth? Cece held a confused look on her face before returning the gesture, using her middle finger in its place. He finished off with suggesting a foursome between the group. Admittedly, the company around was pretty attractive. Cece wasn’t denying Adam’s looks, the dude was hella hot. She was even starting to warm up to the guy. Definitely didn’t mean she planned on sleeping with him. “I think I like you Adam, just haven’t decided why yet.”

“Leaving your husband is just about the smartest reason I’ve ever heard someone move to White Crest for and I will drink to that.” The bartender dropped off the second drink that Winn had ordered for her and she winked over at Winn in appreciation, “Thanks babe! In fact, I'll double drink to that.” She raised both glasses and took turns taking a large drink from each. “Well, we need the ribs, then. If we’re going to do this right and really stick it to him.”

Winn listened with a counselor’s patience to Camille’s reasons for moving to White Crest. Something, maybe the way Camille was holding herself, made Winn cock his head. Her heart wasn’t beating faster — at least, not more than could be explained by proximity to Adam’s… everything. And speaking of Adam…

What was he doing? Winn wouldn’t deny mild interest in the way Adam’s mouth wrapped around a finger, and Winn wasn’t… opposed to sleeping outside of his usual range? So long as someone was fucking him with something, he could get off to a blank piece of paper if he tried hard enough. He smirked, rolling his eyes in Cece’s direction as she flipped him off. Good for her. Adam could use the blow to his ego, even if Winn was still half-sure part of his bravado was fake as hell.

But back to the more important company, “I agree with Cece. You’ve got a head start on us, Cam — is it alright if I call you Cam? Before you make any poor decisions, you’ve got to let us help you make a poor decision!” Wait, no. Adam would get the wrong idea. “Buyin’ you a lot of ribs, I mean.”

There was, admittedly, something almost attractive about the crude gestures Adam was making. In a college frat boy sense. He was hot enough to get away with doing stupid stuff. Camille exchanged glances with Winn and Cece. “I know I’ve been out of the loop for a while, but am I supposed to understand what he’s trying to say with all the-” She imitated one ofthe gestures poorly, and that was enough to snap the pieces together in her head. “Oh! Oh- yeah. No, yeah. I get it now. Wow- that’s- hm.”  She shook her head, dispelling the notion entirely. She hadn’t had sex in years, and it’d certainly never been that freaky. “I think I need to warm up a bit before making a decision that poor.”

She slid the plate of ribs a little ways along the bar so the others could grab one if they wanted, “uh- yeah. Cam is fine.” It was closer to her own name, in fairness. She laughed, raising a rib in a mock cheers, “well then, to my ex husband being miserable forever, and making poor decisions.” She gulped down a little beer then took a bite from the rib, grinning.

Adam raised his glass high and let out a loud woop that drew a few glances before the gaming-watching bustle returned to its collective inertia. “To Cam! May her ex get ulcers that make him piss blood in loneliness and may she forget his prick-ass forever!” With that merry invocation of divine justice, Adam added yet more alcohol to his system. 

“So,” Adam pointed to Cece and Winn with his free-hand, purposefully choosing to spare Cam the spotlight for a little bit. “What’ve you crazy hot kids been up to?” 

Cece liked this group, and it totally wasn’t just because of the beer and ribs. Well, it totally wasn’t any more than like half because of the beer and ribs. Camille led the charge, stealing Cece’s heart with an impromptu cheers using her ribs. Damn, Cece loved a good emotional cheers. Adam chimed in with his own addition to the roasting of Camille’s douche of an ex. “Dark, dude. I can drink to that.” Cece grinned, raising one of her glasses and finishing off the beer. She slid the empty glass across the bar and found the drink Winn had ordered for her as a chaser. “Get too into defamation and we may end up hexing the dude.” And if Camille gave Cece anymore reason to, then those hexes may just end up ringing true. 

“Winn here was just taking me out for a night on the town. He owes me.” The two hadn’t really discussed how Winn owed her exactly. The conversation about her tracking his whereabouts hadn’t naturally come up in conversation. “I make him pay a membership fee for my friendship.”

Winn nearly choked on his drink at Adam’s toast, masking his laughter by raising his glass to the rest of the group’s. “Hear, ah, hear?” he tried, voice coming out hoarse from the liquor burning at his throat. He shot Cece a glance that he hoped communicated ‘Don’t hex anybody without Cam’s permission.’ Though, given she was already on her second drink, he figured it would be forgotten by the time it came to actually hex the prick. (If hexes were, like, a real thing?)

“I definitely owe her,” he agreed, rolling his eyes at Adam’s ‘crazy hot kids’ comment. They were both older than him. Like, definitely more emotionally evolved. No matter Winn’s suspicions about Adam’s whole… deal. “I’m truly lucky for her friendship. I need the good karma that pickin’ her drunk ass off the floor nets me.” He gulped down more of his drink, winking across at Cece. “And don’t y’all have, like, a giant television at the house?” he said, nudging Adam. “Your moose brothers not want to watch the Sox? Too busy puttin’ up their socks on doorknobs?” This time, his wink was directed at Cam.

Though it was again a little more crude than the sort of company Camille was used to, she had to say she did not take any issue with Adam’s toast, going as far as to clink her own beer bottle against his before taking a swig. If only she could forget him, wouldn’t that be nice. Her gaze shot to Cece when she mentioned hexing, wondering if she actually meant it, if Cam wasn’t the only one here who knew about the weird supernatural side to White Crest. She even opened her mouth to ask, and then realized they were probably in mixed company and she didn’t want to come off as crazy, so just took another bite out of the rib in her hand.

Perhaps if she got the girl alone some time she could ask about it. In the bathroom or something, girls went to the bathroom in groups right? Yeah. “Oh god, socks on doorknobs?” Camille laughed, shaking her head. “People still really do that? I miss college.” Jace had done the whole frat thing of course, and she’d been in a sorority too, she could remember how damn near impossible it was to get time alone together. “That’s why you came here all on your lonesome, huh?” She teased, nudging Adam’s arm, “got something to prove to your frat pals.” 

“Yes we still do that,” assured the guy who lived in a house where socks and kinds of things were put on various types of knobs. “And I’m with a client actually,” Adam protested at Winn and Camille’s insinuations of being a randy stag goodnaturedly. “I’m here if they needs me,” 

Adam nodded to a figure seated directly across the bar from him on a couch. The ‘client’ was dressed in a full jacket with gloves, hood, hat, and sunglasses despite the heat, no skin showing. Gloved fingers, six on each hand, drummed absently on the client’s knees as their gaze drifted across the crowd in the manner of someone overwhelmed but nevertheless content to observe the jovial chaos in silence. 

“But at sundown I can be with whoever wants me,” Adam noted with a smirk to Camille before purposefully diverting the conversation away from his client. “So, you’re here now. Found work yet?” 

Two drinks in and Cece wasn’t mad about the company she had found herself in tonight. She wanted to argue Winn’s point about her drunk ass, but considering they met when he helped get her drunk ass home one night, she decided against it. Clearly he wasn’t letting her live that one down anytime soon. At least until Cece returned the favor. Problem was, she never turned down a drink. She may not leave the place stumbling off her ass but she was rarely sober enough to be the responsible one in a group. 

Adam had clients, huh? Cece could only assume it was a sex thing. At least until Adam pointed the client out and Cece shot them a strange look, “Hmm. That’s a weird kink.” She muttered. She caught that bartender’s attention and tapped at her empty glass, smiling when he nodded his confirmation that he had received the message. “I dig the whole serial killer vibes they put off. Very Jack the Ripper.” Cece took a drink from her new glass and listened as Cam dished more details about her life.

Client? Winn looked at the figure Adam had nodded to, considering the other man’s word choice. Sundown. In the loud thrum of the bar, it was hard to hear whether or not the client had a heartbeat, if Adam was helping out someone in the way he’d helped Lucas. For all the younger man talked about conflicts of interest, he had… far more supernatural friends than particular enemies, Winn felt. But now wasn’t the time to argue with Adam over his calling in life — especially not in public. Adam hadn’t talked to Cam for any reason other than his babe senses, Winn was sure. Otherwise, why would he have attempted to cover up the town’s… weirdness.

Cece was already on her third drink, so Winn felt he had to up the ante. Neither of them were driving home, right? Unlike the night they’d met, Winn could, you know, call a damn Uber. He motioned the bartender as he came back with Cece’s next drink, mumbling “Strong.” with a wink to the, admittedly pretty, man. Was Winn (probably) hanging out with a bunch of straight folks? Yes. Did that mean he couldn’t distract himself from the whole… Noah situation? Absolutely not.

Okay, Camille had a hell of a lot of questions about that client. Not that she had any right to ask them, or really any desire to know the answers — there was probably nothing good to be said about a guy dressed like that. Who kept their gloves on inside? Well, people who wanted to hide their hands. She tugged at the sleeve of her shirt to tug it down over that ugly sigil, and wondered if she should become a gloves person too. She hadn’t been here long, so it wouldn't be hard to establish them as part of her style. Cam forgot about the guy happily enough when Adam diverted attention back to her. “So the spell is broken at midnight? Would that make you Cinderella or the fairy godmother?” she teased, taking a drink. “Day manager at that theme park. Cryptic— no, Cryptid Corner.” Cam shrugged. “Not exactly the dream, but it pays better than being a shop assistant or something. I mean I just got it and I’m still on, like, a trial period, but I’m sure I’ll be fine. What about you two?” She gestured towards Cece and Winn. “Now that we know Adam works as a full time weirdo watcher.”

“They’re from outta town,” was the only detail Adam supplied in explanation of his client’s nature to those gathered. He definitely wasn’t inclined to explain just how much of an understatement that was. But thus far the “guest” to this dimension had abided by the deal to not absorb anyone’s biomass, which was mean that Adam could spend his evening flirting and generally get his boorish man-child act on instead of lowering White Crest’s tourist cred by filling a sightseer full of holes. 

“I mean… I can put on slippers and wings if that’s what you’re into,” he assured Camille with an easy smile. “Cryptid Corner… Is that the one with the mothman and all that?” he asked before the questions turned to Cece and Winn.

“I’d actually be quite interested in you in slippers and wings.” Cece shrugged, taking a drink from her ridiculously strong drink. She knew she had Winn to blame for that. But as long as she didn’t have to drive home tonight, she didn’t really care how much she drank. “Yeah, I think so. Supposed to have all those weird attractions. I think I talked to the owner of that place once.” Cece remembered chatting about the amusement park. It seemed like her scene, terrifying and exhilarating. Though she hadn’t had the chance to get out there yet. “Guess I’ll really have to check it out now that I have a friend that works there.”

“I work for the Medical Examiner’s office.” Cece explained, “I’m a toxicologist. Which is just a fancy word to say that I test urine and blood I collect from dead people.” Cece joked. She turned to Winn, suddenly realizing that she didn’t actually know what the hell he did. Aside from modeling in a past life.  

“There’s an amusement park in town?” Winn said, wondering aloud. “Jeez, for Smalltown, USA, this place sure does have everythin’.” Weird attractions? Weird for White Crest? Christ, what kind of horror show was Cam working at?

“Oh, me?” Well, this was awkward. What did he do? Oh Christ, did Winn have hobbies? Friends that weren’t werewolves or… well, Hunters? “Um, it’s the off-season, but I coach the high school team. For hockey.” He scrambled through his brain, searching for something, anything. “I modeled?” Wait, shit, not that. “Um, in Europe mostly.” Worse, somehow. Winn could almost feel the smirks building on Adam and Cece’s faces. “I got kicked out of school today, so I’m, uh, a bit… loose, with the job-slash-life-thing, right now.” He downed his entire drink in one gulp, gesturing to the bartender to get him another drink, now. Please.

“Only if you can actually wave a magic wand and change my life.” Camille muttered in response to Adam’s quip, swivelling a little on her stool to order another beer. She should be careful really, because she didn’t know this guy and her tolerance wasn’t what it had been in college. But screw it. If anyone could go through what she had and not crave being a little bit drunk, then they were probably nuts to begin with. “Yeah.” She perked up again with a new bottle in her hand. “Yeah, mothman and all that shit, terrible uniforms. Don’t get too hyped up about visiting, it’s nothing special.”

Dead people? Ah, shit. “So do you, uh— do you know Regan?” She toyed nervously with a lock of hair, hoping to god this wasn’t some strange set up because the doctor had spilled her secrets. She didn’t seem like the gossip type, but still. “I— met her. While I was out for a walk a few days ago.” That was fine, this was a small town, people were friendly enough to introduce themselves. Kicked out of school? Camille’s concerned teacher instinct kicked in, and she leaned across a little to get a better look at Winn. He didn’t seem lazy or like a troublemaker or anything — true her expertise was in much younger kids, but there might still be something she could do. “What happened? Did they give you a fair chance before kicking you out? Temporary expulsions? Reports, guidance counselor?” 

Resisting the urge to answer Camile’s quip with the insistence that his ‘wand’ was indeed magic and could change lives, Adam continued drinking but briefly frowned in thought at the mentions of a Medical Examiner led on into Regan being brought up. While it was always possible that this was a completely different ME office with a different Regan, Adam had a suspicion that this Dr. Regan Kavanagh, the world’s most confusing hunter-dating Banshee materialist.

Winn dropped the fact that he was a male model in Europe, causing Adam to decide that he wasn’t nearly intoxicated enough and order another drink. Sex-canyon V-line wolfmen coaching high school hockey like it was one of those sappy sports movies wasn’t something he wanted to process sober. 

Cece’s eyes narrowed towards Winn. He hadn’t mentioned anything about the college to her yet. Not enough alcohol yet, clearly. Luckily, Cam seemed to have asked the questions for the group. Not that Cece thought it was her business to get involved in Winn’s personal life. But she was a big fan of a little chaos every now and again. She could storm the campus and make a few heads spin. For funsies. 

“Oh, you met my boss then.” Cece smirked, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. “Bucket of fun isn’t she?” From the looks of it, more people knew about the Doc than Cece thought. Apparently, despite Cece’s assumptions, the woman was pretty popular in town. But if Regan referred to any of these people as a friend before breaking down and accepting Cece’s friendship Cece wears going to dive off a bridge. “I love that girl to death, but she takes life a bit too seriously for my tastes.” Cece followed suit with Winn, downing her new drink in one gulp and raising the empty glass towards him in triumph. “Hell yeah! That’s the kind of energy I’m looking for tonight! Guys, I think we’re going to have some fun.”

“I am not drunk enough to talk about Regan Kavanagh nor my educational drama,” Winn said in his smoothest, most honeyed voice. “And we’ve got all the time in the world for me to come clean. So long as you don’t clean out my wallet.” He winked, slapping Adam on the back again. “I’m sure the golden boy and I can show y’all ladies a nice time. Though not that nice, eh Adam?” He elbowed the other man, trying to direct the conversation off of him — and Regan for that matter.R

After all, he hadn’t spoken to Regan since they’d sent that CVS on 3rd to a hell dimension. The less Winn thought about that, the better. Oh yeah, he was going to get blasted tonight. He deserved it. No one was driving home, they were pissing off an Uber driver with four different locations, loud chatter, and absolutely no filter like God and Stonewall intended. He may be the only queer person here, tonight, but it was Pride Month and he knew how to work a party, even in the straightest possible place. First thing? “Bartender!” he called, loud and long and stupid, “I need, uhhhhh, a drink for every percentage point you want me to tip you.” Hell yeah. Time to get stupid.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #291

“clothes trailing from the backdoor, to the bedroom, and i don’t even know your name.”

What was the last health scare you had? So I got blood tests done recently to check multiple things, and I got pretty nervous when my doctor stood beside me going through the numbers and what they meant. I was afraid she was going to tell me I had diabetes (runs in the fam, and my diet hadn't been great) or something, but I was fine. What is your favorite food to cook? Something in the microwave lmao. Do you listen to bluegrass music? Ew. What was the last novel you read about? Well it' s part of a series so it'd be hard to explain briefly... but dragons. That'll do ig, lol. If there is a tree right outside your window, what kind is it? There's a small one. Idk what it is. What is your favorite filling for a piece of chocolate? Caramel. What is your favorite thing to draw? If you take a look at my work history... I apparently love drawing meerkats screaming for one reason or another lmao. Do you like abstract art? Not very much. There are of course exceptions to this, but it's definitely not my favorite and sometimes doesn't even feel like "art" to me. Would you ever want to be a painter? No. My Painting course in school taught me it's too damn stressful, the idea of messing up. Even though it's technically fixable. There's just a lot about painting I don't like. I'd much rather draw and color traditionally. What is your passion? Some of my biggest consists of gay rights (or really just equal rights as a whole), meerkats, pacifism, photography, just art in general, stuff like that. I feel things very deeply, so there's really a lot. What fascinates you? NATURE!!!!!!! SO MUCH ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Do you have art on your walls? In my room, I have three of my meerkat projects on the wall with my meerkat collection, and my Pyramid Head/Halo of the Sun overlap drawing is with my Silent Hill stuff. What kind of collection would you like to start? I have a decent amount of stuff, but I really would love to pump up my SH collection. It has SO much merch that I would die for, stuff is just mad expensive. If I was to start a new collection, bitch I need Markiplier stuff so bad, I'm too awkward to ask for that shit for holidays 'n stuff. ;;_;; Do you enjoy the sound of birds chirping? I sure do. If you had the money, would you travel the world? I feel like I'd go to less locations than most people you could ask this question, but I'd definitely go places, yeah. If you could travel the world, which country would you want to go to first? South Africa. Make my meerkat dreams come true. :') Do you get drunk? I haven't before, and I don't actually aim to when I drink (which is very rare) and I'm apparently no lightweight, so I doubt I ever will. Don't feel like I'm missing out, honestly. Do you get high? Nah. Have you ever used a prescription medication to get high? No. Does sunlight make you happier? Guys. This is science. I used to hate the sun so much, but it's good for you. Open your windows on a clear day; your body will thank you. It takes getting used to, but please, don't coop yourself up in the dark. Do you live a boring life? My life is excruciatingly boring. Like not to sound depressing, but half the time I wish I wasn't even alive because I'm so bored lmao. Have you ever gotten soap in your mouth for cursing? Do you think that’s right to do to kids who curse? No, but it's been threatened upon me. I don't support it, no, but then again I don't believe in traditional "profanity." My hypothetical four-year-old could say "that fucking hurt" in our own household, and just a simple word indicating (s)he was really in pain wouldn't faze me for a blink. I do believe out of respect though, that you should educate your children when "profanity" isn't allowed, like in school and such. You don't shove potentially toxic shit into your kid's mouth to teach them something. What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start watching horror movies with lots of gore? This definitely depends on the child. Are they spooked easily? How mature are they? Do they understand what's not to be replicated? It would vary with the film, too. Do you have any wind chimes outside your house? How many? No, but I'd love to. Wind chimes are great. Do you have a flat stomach? Would you ever wear a belly shirt to show it off? I hate my stomach more than I do any other part of my body, so guess. Would you ever get a sleeve or a half sleeve on your arm (we’re talking about tattoos)? omfg hell YES Do you think your biological parents love each other? They're long-divorced and Dad's been remarried for a long time while Mom only has negative shit to say about him, so like... What's one movie you’re dying to see but haven’t had the chance to see yet? *Dying* to, I don't know if one exists. Birds of Prey probably tops my want-to-see list, though. Harley moving past Joker? Girl you fuckin go ilu. What’s the biggest promise someone’s ever made to you? Did they keep it? To never leave me because of my illnesses. Nope, he sure didn't. Does thunder & storms scare you? Nah, not usually. It's funny, I was TERRIFIED of them as a kid, especially if I wasn't with my mom, but now I find them beautiful and sometimes even relaxing. Now, wind, I fucking hate wind. I associate bad winds with tornadoes, so fuck outta here w/ that. Google, Bing, or Yahoo? Google. Do you sing in front of people? NO. Who are you the most uncomfortable around? Groups of older men. Are your parents overprotective? No. A recent creation that you’re proud of? I took family pictures for a repeat client recently, and I'm really happy with how some came out. Who’s your favorite comedian? Living, I'm unsure. It was John Pinette. What makes you squeamish? Vomit and fecal matter top the list. Do you have any online friends that you wanna keep, but not meet? Maybe a couple that I don't know too well? Should cloning ever be allowed to happen? No. I see a lot of potential problems with that should it become a serious thing. Who would you live with if you got kicked out tomorrow? Probably my dad. What’s a pet your parents never let you have when you were a kid? A snake. I was eventually allowed though obviously, and now Mom loves Venus, though she won't hold her. Who do you wish you could change, if anyone? It's not my job to change anyone else. You have to want to change. Has your house ever been broken into? No, but my childhood home almost was by a gang. My older sister and her best friend were home alone at the time. Thank fuck they didn't get in, but they left a gang flag on our porch. Would you consider yourself a good flirt? I have no idea. What color do you wear most often? You mean to tell me black isn't the only primary color in people's wardrobes? Do you like your hair? Disregarding the fact it gets oily way too fast, yes. Have you ever driven while under the influence? No, I would absolutely never. Did you enjoy your last kiss? Yeah. Would you ever take boudoir photos for a significant other? (or have you?) Considering I literally love boudoir, I would if I didn't hate the fuck outta my body and would be too embarrassed to ever do it. What is your biggest guilty pleasure? Maybe makeup guru channels lmaooo. What is a movie that you thought you would hate but actually ending up enjoying? I'm unsure. I don't really go into watching a movie I think I'll hate, especially when I watch so few movies to begin with. Do you like where you live? I'm not a fan of the suburbs, but it's a better place than where we were. Are you a jealous person? I'm learning that apparently I might be, at least sometimes. Is there anyone you want to fix things with? There are a few. Last time you walked further than a block? I couldn't tell you. I walk a few feet (that's not an exaggeration) and am in pain because of the muscle atrophy in my legs. Is it easy for you to accept loss? NO. NUH-UH. NOPE. Do you get dessert normally while out to eat? No. Who was your first kiss? Jason, my first "real" boyfriend. Have you ever found a stray dog & found its owners? Not that I recall. Would you ever tell your mom about the things you’ve done sexually? Not everything, no. When was the last time you told someone you love them? Last night. Who was the last person you talked to last night in person before bed? Ma. When was the last time that you were genuinely happy? Good damn question. Have you ever dyed your hair? Plenty of times. Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? Yeah. When was the last time you changed in front of someone? I don't know; when you hate your body enough, you'll do a lot to avoid that. Last person you kissed, have you cried in front of them? Yes. Ever dated someone who was gorgeous but they had a conceited personality? No. A conceited asshole is the last kind of person I'm dating. Would you prefer a kiss on the cheek or neck? Well I mean what's the vibe lmao Do you like to cuddle? Yeah, if we're a close couple and it's not too hot. Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you? Nah. Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life? I wish we could, but even if he was willing, I don't think "friendship" is possible between us. What is something “cheesy” that you own? Ha, I have this feminine-looking "she believed she could so she did" wall decor thing... I can't remember if I bought it or if it was gifted. What is something that gets your creative juices flowing? MUSIC!!! What drink are you most likely to order at a bar? Some kind of margarita. What is the most interesting class that you took in high school or college? Mythology, I guess? When was the last time that you’ve ever played Spin the Bottle? I never have to begin with. If you were an adult film star or a stripper, what would your stage name be? I can't even try to entertain this question. Even if I WANTED to be one, I would never be hired. I couldn't seriously think of a name. Have you ever wanted to be a cheerleader? No, not even when I was one as a kid lmao. Have you ever been dumped? What was the reason for it? Yeah. The first one, he couldn't handle my depression anymore. With my last partner, we kinda had a mutual agreement that to save us from potential later heartbreak, we needed to work more on ourselves right now. What was the last R-rated movie you watched? Hm. Idk. Have you ever asked someone out? Yes. Have you ever had lice? No. What is the most childish thing that you still do? I mean, with RP, you could argue that I still "play pretend." Have you ever watched a movie you knew you shouldn’t? As a kid, I'm pretty sure I was not supposed to see whatever Scary Movie film it was when I did, aha. Have you ever wanted to try LARP (Live Action Role-Play)? Nah. I'm awkward enough explaining I just write it. If you could go back in time and erase one thing you said or did, what would it be? The "thanks for sending me to the hospital" message to Jason. Has your boyfriend or girlfriend ever embarrassed you? Jason did before, if we're counting past partners. Have you ever thought about cheating on your partner? I never thought of that in any relationship, no. Have you ever been caught checking someone out? Not to my recollection. Not that I even do that much. Have you ever cried because you missed your parents so much? Oh, absofuckinglutely as a little kid. I had BAD separation anxiety from my mom. Have you ever posted something on social media that you regret? OH BOY HAVE I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever ding dong ditched someone? No. Which is worst: Snakes, scorpions, or spiders? I adore snakes. Some spiders scare me, especially if they catch me by surprise. Scorpions aren't native here, so I've actually never come across one, so I'd probably be more curious than frightened. Is there an attic and/or a basement in your house? An attic, yeah. Have you ever been bitten by a tick? Has anyone not? Well, I suppose this depends on your environment. Playing outside in the country as a kid a lot, and especially walking through tall grass to reach fishing spots with Dad, I've had lots. I'm terrified of parasites so those were never fun times. What color is your mom’s car? White. Have you ever had a bird or a squirrel in your house? No. How high off the ground is your bed? The average, ig. What is the cutest breed of dog? That's such a hard question, but I think I tend to lean towards pugs, though I don't support breeding them or any other type that is a medical catastrophe. What is something other people say you’re good at but you think you’re not? Holding a conversation. I call BS. What does your bedside lamp look like? It's a creamy color with a floral design. It was already here at the house when we moved in. Do you like your neighbors? I don't know them. Does your room need to be cleaned? I need to finish decorating it... and dust the dresser. What was the last bug you saw? Ugh, a fucking ant. This house has had an ant problem before, and now they're showing up in my room here and there. Do you place any value in gender roles? Literally zero. Are your platonic relationships just as valuable as romantic or family ones? Well, I suppose it would depend on the person. How strong is that platonic relationship? Are you in love? Do you want to be? I don't think *in* love anymore, no; I reasoned myself out of that. I think most people WANT to be in the name of companionship, and being a pretty hopeless romantic, your wild guess would probably be right. Would you be happy with a life without romance? I'd live. Are you religious? Do you think your religion is ‘correct’? No. If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why? Nope. Religion only ever brought me confusion, pain, and frustration. Are your choices fated or of your own free will? I am very much a believer in free will and that you sculpt your own fate. Was your childhood happy? For the most part. What are you missing from your life? Excitement. Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? No. And if my country did something fucked up, I wouldn't stand with the masses just because I live here. What’s the latest YouTube channel you’ve discovered and binge-watched? Snake Discovery, like, hardcore. Does it snow where you live? Every now and then, but it's super rare for the snow to stick, and it's maybe even rarer that we get a good or fun amount. Do you think your hair looks better long or short? UGGGGHHHHHH I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER W/ SHORT HAIR. Do you enjoy editing photos on your phone? Not really on my phone, no. I don't have good image quality on my phone, so editing tends to make it worse. What’s your favorite thing to do on your phone? Play Pokemon GO if I'm actually in a place with spawns. Which season do you wish would last longer? Sigh, autumn. At least here, the colorful phase is pretty short. It's like... green leaves one day, a beautiful display for a week, then the trees are bare. It's still my favorite season, though. Do you have neat handwriting? Yeah. Did you dream of becoming famous as a kid? Nah. Do you get on Facebook every day? Pretty much. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Spice Girls, duh. Would you ever consider naming a child after a family member? No. I've got nothing against people who do, but I've just never seen the appeal of it at all. I would want my hypothetical child to have their completely own identity.

[jeannereames]

Ok, important question about both DwtL and your academic work. What drove you to study the character and impact of the man who rose steadily to be second-in-command of the empire (in a way) by the time of his death?

I wouldn’t qualify him as second-in-command “in a way.” *grin* By his death, he was chiliarchos, which is the Greek translation of Persian hazarapatish, literally the second-in-command (Grand Vizier, later).

Why Hephaistion? Excellent question. My rather rambley answer…

I’m still not entirely sure what piqued my interest in him when first reading about Alexander. To be sure, the histories I read either overlooked him or actively dismissed him as no one of real importance in himself, only as Alexander’s buddy and/or lover. Yet something made me think, “He’s not getting a fair shake. Why is that?”

Several scholars attributed quarrels to him that, when I read the ancient sources, weren’t at all clear that he was the instigator, and at least in Curtius, he was made to sound rather diplomatic. I found odd this disconnect between the way the sources described him, and the way the secondary modern literature talked about him. My initial assumption was that modern scholars–mostly older white men–were homophobic … only to learn later that my assessment was too simplistic and reductive. I do think homophobia is at the root of it, but in a more complex way.

W. W. Tarn certainly tried to “save” Alexander from any intimation of same-sex liaisons. Yet others, Badian, Green, Bosworth, Schachermeyer, Hamilton, Hammond, tended to assume he had boys (eromenoi), perhaps including Hephaistion. If some wouldn’t necessarily have thought that a good thing, others—at least as an intellectual exercise—didn’t care.

I’ve said before, I know (or knew) several of these scholars, and their reactions were not because they were Bible-thumping conservative sorts. Quite a number would tick as atheist-agnostic intellectual liberals. Yet we are still products of our social upbringing, and it can be hard to ditch subconscious assumptions and discomforts, and intellectuals especially dislike thinking of ourselves as acting in an irrational fashion. *grin*

This complexity only makes it all the more interesting.

My conclusion is that we’re dealing with several layers. The first involves how our ancient sources talk about him; he’s emphasized primarily for his relationship to Alexander and the impact his death had on ATG. This is (if you notice) the same way most modern Alexander biographies approach Hephaistion, as well. Unconscious influence.

So there’s that. Then comes modern straight male discomfort with what two men might do in bed together, even for those who’re supportive of gay marriage and have gay male friends. They may not even be much fussed to see two men holding hands or trading a quick goodbye kiss at the airport. But sex…that’s different. I think it’s easiest to get at this with a quick comparison between how straight male readers react to gay male sex scenes in novels vs. how straight women readers react to lesbian sex scenes.

Quite a few straight guys have told me they skim gay male sex scenes, even if they otherwise like the book and didn’t mind more “romantic” m/m elements. Yet I know few straight women who do that with lesbian sex scenes. Admittedly—but telling—my sample is made up of largely progressive, liberal readers, including readers under 30. For Dancing with the Lion in particular, I’ve had at least two guys say they liked the book but didn’t think I needed to write the two sex scenes between Alexander and Hephaistion, especially the (more graphic) second one. I asked whether they thought I’d needed to write the sex scene between Alexander and Kampaspe, and you know what? They’d both completely forgotten that sex scene was there! Why? I suspect it’s because they perceived it as “normal,” so it didn’t trip a wire.

Hmmm.

Back to Hephaistion. This sort of subconscious bias can be present even in men who are fairly progressive. Ergo, yes, I think homophobia does drive some negative perceptions of Hephaistion, but it’s more subconscious than intentional. And having it suggested is usually not welcome. 😉

Just consider some reactions by liberal white “woke” folks to being shown they’re not as woke as they think they are. It’s rarely, “Oh, wow, I didn’t realize I did that…” but “No! That’s not at all what I meant/thought! You’re misunderstanding me on purpose!”

But we’re ALL biased in some way—usually more than one. I think of our lives as a journey, finding our blind spots and learning to see better. I have them still, you have them, we all have them. We live in our fences of skin and are not telepathic. We have to learn to listen, and not get defensive.

That’s hard.

But I’ve gone off on a tangent again, haven’t I?

My own interest in Hephaistion is driven by another type of curiosity, too. Not just why modern scholars had overlooked him, but curiosity about this man, who—if Curtius can be believed—was a true best friend of one of the most powerful men who ever lived.

I’ve harped on that before, but it really IS what pulls me in. Powerful men don’t, often, have a genuine best friend. Alexander did. So I wanted to find out as much as we could know about what made Hephaistion tick, and to assess his career, not just their friendship. The more I delved into his career, too, the more I wanted to DIVORCE his friendship with the king from his role as an officer. I became convinced that he didn’t succeed because he was ATG’s lover or friend. He succeeded because Alexander trusted him, and he was good at his job.

In one of the several blogs I wrote for the books’ release, I talked about Hephaistion’s personality. While (good) historians try to avoid psychoanalyzing dead people, we still have suspicions about what sorts of people they might have been.

For Hephaistion, almost from the beginning, I viewed him as a gamma male, not a beta as he’s usually perceived. He went his own way, which would have made him catnip to Alexander. I think he’d have needed a very strong personality, but Alexander clearly didn’t feel threatened by him. I think the bulk of historians are inclined to attribute that to being a follower and yes-man. He’s not uncommonly portrayed that way in fiction, too. But for me, that makes no sense. Such a friendship wouldn’t, in my experience, have lasted long, nor would such a person have dared to rebuke Alexander, as Curtius says he did, even if in private.

Speaking as a professional historian, I can’t prove that, given the paucity of our sources, only suggest it.

But that’s the beauty of fiction. Obviously, I had to spin from raw wool a lot of his background, family details, etc. But his personality in Dancing with the Lion…? No, that I didn’t make up. It’s what I do think he was like. I’ve lived cheek-to-jowl with him via research since the early ‘90s. That’s almost 30 years now.

[theycallmebeccawrites]

Perfectly Imperfect: Chapter 7

With Tumblr holding my original writing blog @beccaheartschrisevans captive (aka flagged as explicit), I have made a secondary writing blog and may end up closing the other all together. In the meantime, I am reposting all of my stories on my new blog.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Wren Arnold (OFC)

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: n/a

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

Perfectly Imperfect Masterlist | Chris & Wren Masterlist

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Thanksgiving 2020

The rest of October and most of November passed quickly for Chris and Addy and before they knew it, it was Thanksgiving Day. As per tradition, they arrived at his mom's house just in time for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade to begin.

Chris helped Addy put a cinnamon roll on a plate and then got her a sippy cup of milk before she joined her cousins in front of the TV. He quickly fixed his own plate and then took a seat next to his younger sister on the couch.

"I'm happy you guys are here this year," she said glancing at him with a smile.

"Me, too," he agreed.

He and Jessa had met when she'd been a wardrobe assistant on the first Avenger’s movie, but they hadn't really hit it off until they'd met again during the filming for Avengers: Age of Ultron. She had been dating someone at the time, but there had been something about her that had called to him. So, when she'd showed up to the Captain America: Civil War set single, he hadn't wasted a second before asking her out.

Considering they'd married within a year's time, things had developed pretty quickly for them and he had given up living on the East Coast when she'd taken a TV show job in Los Angeles. Said job had made it nearly impossible for them to travel from coast to coast for a short trip, especially with a toddler, so they'd spent the last three Thanksgivings out west, away from his family.

"Daddy! Look it's you!" Addy shouted excitedly, pointing at the Captain America on the TV.

"Inside voices, Addy," he chuckled as a Marvel float with most of the iconic characters on it crossed their screen. Glancing around the room and seeing his family members gathered together made it seem like the old days where the only thing missing was Wren and parents. "Mom, when are the Arnolds' getting here?"

Chris's eyes followed his mom's as she glanced at his brother and then followed his brother's eyes as they went to their older sister then back to their mom. Even his younger sister shifted awkwardly in her seat next to him. Clearly, they all knew something he didn't.

"The Arnolds' aren't coming today," his mom finally answered. "They went to spend the day with -" she glanced in kids’ direction and saw that they were looking at her. "- with their daughter."

Chris could feel his mom and siblings watching him as he processed to the news. He felt crushed. He'd spent the last two months working through the issues that had been a result of his relationship with Jessa, but also ones that, according to his therapist, stemmed back from when his parents divorced. Not to mention, the memories of Wren that had swirled around his head and made appearances in his therapy sessions. He had been looking forward getting a chance to talk to her and apologize to her for being the world's biggest asshole in her final days with him.

But clearly, those final days had caused more damage than he'd realized. It was clear to him now that Wren hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. Why else would she have changed her phone number? A fact he'd learned in late October when he'd tried to call her.

"I need coffee," he said, standing up. The kids had, thankfully, turned their attention back to the TV, but he didn't want to break down in front of them, especially not Addy. His little girl had the biggest heart and was prone to crying when she saw people around her crying.

Going into the kitchen, Chris poured himself a cup of coffee and then grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the cabinet and added a couple splashes to his coffee. He held onto the bottle a second longer than necessary, tempted to just drink it instead of his coffee, but shook off the thought. He screwed the lid back on and then headed for the stairs down to the basement, needing sometime alone to process everything.

At the start of the summer, Wren had been who she'd always been to him: his best friend in the whole world. Then she'd started helping with Addy and she'd quickly become the person he wanted to help him raise Addy. At the time, he hadn't picture anything more than a friendship with her, because that had been their role in each other’s life. But sometime during the summer, his feelings had gotten convoluted and even now, four months later, he still wasn't sure what his feelings for Wren were.

He loved her, obviously, but it wasn't like the love he had for his other friends. Not to mention that it was a totally different love than he'd had for his previous girlfriends, too. Just like the woman herself, his love for Wren was totally unique.

"I thought I'd find you down here," Scott said, coming down the stairs. "You ok?"

"She hates me, doesn't she?" Chris asked, staring down at his empty mug. He couldn't look at his brother's face for fear of what his expression would be.

"Wren? Hate you?" Scott let out a laugh so obnoxious Chris had to look up at him. "Hate is the last thing she feels about you."

"But you didn't see her face that day," Chris stated, not even having to close his eyes to see the broken expression that had been on Wren's face that last day. "And she didn't come today."

"You broke her heart, Chris," Scott said as he sat down on the couch. "She might have been mad at you, but the poor girl has been in love with your sorry ass since we were in high school."

"She's what?" Chris asked, dumbstruck. "No way. I would have known."

"You didn't," Scott said with a chuckle. "She and I got a little tipsy after her senior prom. I told her I was gay and she told me she was in love with you."

Chris shook his head in disbelief. He and Wren had been out of high school for twenty years and she hadn't said a word.

"It was never the time for her to tell you," Scott explained with a sigh. "I tried to get her to tell you before she left, but, well, you know what happened."

Chris nodded as guilt flooded his stomach. His therapist had theorized that his comments to Wren about never marrying again as well as his sudden need to get a vasectomy had been part of the subconscious changes in his feelings towards Wren. That theory, added to the knowledge that she'd been in love with him, explained why she had been so hurt and why she had fled so quickly.

"She's never coming back, is she?" he asked.

"I don't know," Scott replied. "But I think she deserves the chance to move on with her life if she can."

"Will you tell her I'm sorry about everything?" Chris asked.

"Chris, she cut us all out of her life," Scott said, slowly. "All we know is what her mom has told mom. Wren is settled and loves her new job."

The rest of the day was a blur for Chris as he tried to process all the information floating in his head. He wasn't sure if Scott's revelation was a help or a hindrance in the large scheme of things. If anything, it made his feelings for Wren even more confusing than they had been before.

Chris was still trying to process it all, a week later, when an unlisted number called him. In the past, he never would have answered a call from a restricted number, but knowing Wren was out there somewhere, he answered it quickly. To his dismay, it wasn't Wren, but to his complete and utter shock, it was Jessa.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I called you."

"A little," Chris lied through his teeth. After the way she had up and left the house after handing him the divorce and custody papers, including one in which she gave up her rights as Addy's mom, he had never expected to hear from her again.

"I'm engaged," she said, getting right to the point. "He just asked me tonight and I didn't want you to find out from someone else."

"You're engaged," he repeated in disbelief.

"I know it seems sudden," she said. "But I met him through a friend of a friend and he's amazing, Chris."

"Does he know you don't want kids?" he cut her off, his tone bitter.

"Yes," Jessa replied, quietly. "And he is of the same mind."

"And does he know about Addy?"

"Yes."

Nothing was said for a couple minutes as Chris let everything absorb. His ex-wife was engaged just shy of a year after asking him for a divorce that had blindsided him completely.

"How did we get here, Jessa?" he asked with a sigh. "I thought we were happy. I thought things were good."

"That's because you were happy, Chris," she said. "You had everything you'd ever wanted. A wife and a kid." Her voice cracked. "I tried, Chris. I tried really hard to be the wife you needed me to be and the mother to Addy that you wanted me to be, but I wasn't being true to myself."

"What do you mean?" Chris asked her. He vaguely recalled her saying that at the beginning of their conversation, a year ago, but he'd shut down when she'd told him she didn't want to be a mom. A part of him didn't want to have this conversation, but he knew that this was an important conversation that needed to happen.

"I never wanted to be a mom, Chris." She sighed. "Then I met you and every time a kid came to set or you spent time with your costars' kids, I knew you were meant to be a dad. I knew that the world wouldn't be right if Chris Evans never had babies of his own." She sniffed. "I told myself that you wanting kids would be enough and that I could be happy by making you happy.

"And I was happy, Chris. I swear to you, I was happy. I was thrilled when you proposed and we started planning the wedding. And yes, I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant just hours before my final dress fitting, but I knew how happy you would be when you found out. And my God, you were the happiest I've ever seen you that night.

"Then we had Adelaide and she was perfect and you were perfect. And I felt like I had lost myself. It sounds horrible, I know, but I wanted to be back at work, helping with costumes for the movie, but I was stuck in a rental house with a screaming baby. Then we went back to LA and it got better for a bit, but I didn't feel the pull to her like you did. Like you do.

"My friend recommended a therapist and I put off seeing her until the summer that Adelaide turned two. I wanted desperately for her to tell me that I would get over it and we could keep living the way we were, but the sessions made me realize that by putting your dreams in front of mind, I had stifled myself."

Silence fell between them again as Chris processed what she had told him. He felt guilty for never asking her if she wanted to have kids and guilty for not noticing that she was depressed. But he also knew, from many hours spent with his own therapist, that some of the blame was on her, too, for not speaking up and not telling him what was going on.

"Do you regret it all?" he asked her.

"Us being together? No. Chris, I fell in love with you hard and fast. We made a beautiful daughter and I know that one day, she and I will have to talk about my decision, but I hope that she will be able to understand in the end."

"Where did we go wrong?"

"Honestly, I think we got caught up in being in love and wanting to get married before we reached our late 30's. It didn't help that we were on a set with people constantly telling us how perfect we were for each other." She laughed. "God, you should have had Wren come down to visit. They would have taken one look at the two of you and wondered why you were even wasting your time with me when she was in your life."

"What do you mean?" Chris demanded. He took a deep breath and then said, "Sorry. It's just that Wren and I sort of had a falling out a few months back."

"Oh, Chris, I'm so sorry," Jessa replied, her voice sincere. "She was lovely and always nice to me whenever we were together. I suspected that -"

"That she was in love with me?" Chris cut in.

"Oh, I knew she was in love with you," Jessa stated. "But I trusted you enough that I knew you'd never cheat on me and she was so genuine that I never worried about the two of you being alone together. No, what I suspected was that you'd move back to Boston and settle down with her. What happened?"

The idea of talking to his ex-wife about his problems with Wren made Chris want to roll his eyes, but in the end, that was exactly what he did. It took nearly another hour, but everything that had been circling in his head with no sense of organization spilled out of his mouth as Jessa listened. She made a few comments and observations, but for the most part just remained quiet.

By the time, Chris hit the end button on his phone, the storm cloud of thoughts that had been roaming around his head had settled down. He had tried to talk everything through with his therapist, just the other day, but it hadn't worked as well as talking to Jessa had done. Neither had talking to his mom. But with Jessa's help, he had come to a realization that should have startled him, but it didn't.

He loved Lauren "Wren" Arnold, his best friend, and in a more than "just friends" way.

Knowing there was something else he had to do, Chris sent his agent a text, asking him to find the doctor in the USA with the most successful vasectomy reversals. Success being measured in the number of kids born after the reversal.

Chapter 8

Want to find me off tumblr? I'm @beccatheycallme on twitter. I also post my stories on AO3.

My tag list is always open, just let me know if you'd like to be added!

[mvrlcy]

.･:*:･ﾟ’ twenty two year old cis male marley redd was made in brooklyn and attended st. jude’s. he still resides in new york, and are currently a professional ballet dancer. they are matching twin outfits in childhood photos, a boyfriend or hookup’s too-big hoodie with tights & leg warmers, scissors dragging against the bottom of pointe shoes, hours spent scrutinizing in front of a mirror and a docile, rosy-cheeked smile. onlookers say they resemble troye sivan.

it’s me... again. you’re going to get sick of me, i swear it. marley is an older muse of mine ( like all of a month old ) so he has... wait for it.... an actual bio!! and so does his brother who is played by my friend so like watch out for this Content™ also i’m very currently watching a movie so if this makes no sense, now you know why!

trigger warnings: ed related content, homophobia & some nsfw mentions

HISTORY

marley was born on the gold coast of australia, two minutes older than his twin brother ( @cmerys ) and their younger brother. their mother was a fairly successful ballet dancer for the australian ballet and i’d imagine she wanted both twins to follow in her footsteps. marley took up dancing like he was born to do it ( and perhaps he was ) but he seemed to get all the talent in that regard, leaving nothing left for emery as far as dance was concerned. that was alright though – one prodigy is probably all a family can hope for in the first place. with marley in a place of honor in his mother’s eyes and their younger brother being dad’s favorite for his more stereotypical masculine interests, that left little room for emery. marley, being a compassionate and caring lil darling, took it upon himself to care for his younger brother. he’ll tease em mercilessly but he’s the only one allowed to do so.

tw eating disorder the only other thing that marley cares about nearly as much as he does his twin brother is dance. classical music flows through his blood and from as early as age four, he’s been putting in countless hours at the dance studio and practicing at home in his ‘free time’. he’s good. really good. so good that they moved to brooklyn ny at the age of 12 because he’d learned all he can learn in australia. but it’s also affected him mentally. to be the best, he works out obsessively and cuts corners food wise. the twins were already slender but over the years, marley dropped down in weight until he was little more than muscle on bone. he doesn’t notice it as a problem and in some ways, his profession encourages it. it’s kind of your ballet dancer trope for a reason! he’s gotten the nickname little redd for his incredibly petite frame and the only one who has caught on is emery who tries to help in his own soft way.

personality wise, marley tries to make up for the shyness of his twin brother. bright and open, he’s literally a social butterfly. it’s also a bit of a cover for his own crippling internalized insecurities, assuming that by projecting this saccharine sweet demeanor, no one will look below the surface. but essentially just picture a little angel boy and you have marley redd. he tries to be friends with everyone, avoids conflict like its his job and tends to be a little taken advantage of for how genuinely nice he is.

he’s known from a young age that he was gay. it’s never really been a question. he was assumed as much since he was a male ballet dancer and he kind of hated fitting into that stereotype but alas. one cannot help who one is attracted to! plus he’s usually found with a bit of makeup on ( a hobby he picked up from his dance ) and wearing very effeminately oversized hoodies and tight leggings w/ leg warmers. it’s not hard to guess. he was never really popular in the first place ( more so just with girls who kind of wanted him to be their token gay best friend, even before he came out ) so in order to save emery ( who is also queer ) the pain and bullying of being the out kid in school, marley came out first! in fact, em never really had to – people just assumed.

tw n*sfw? sexually, marley is more experienced than his angelic demeanor lets on. he accidentally flirts and tends to say yes to guys way too easily. it’s like deceptive innocence on the streets and anything but innocent in the sheets. he loves being straight boys’ first gay experience or being the obediently little sub for those with more skills and prowess. down for anything bc again, a little gullible. it’s where his secret has come into play. emery got a boyfriend at the end of last year! his first bc lil em is very shy and docile. marley... was a little jealous but it was cool! it was fine! until the boyfriend started making passes at him. and marley really did think the boyf was hot and emery wasn’t ready for that step yet so. one thing led to another and they started up a tryst! a tryst he felt guilty about every time it happened but y’know. marley got himself a boyfriend but continually found himself with emery’s. eventually the cheating and the betrayal of his brother got to be too much. at a halloween party where he snuck off with emery’s beau, he eventually confessed to his brother afterwards that he cheated (not who with though). he was subsequently dumped by his own boyfriend but can’t for the life of him figure out why or how he found out.

PRESENT ( IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS )

with his skill in dance quickly growing in the creative nyc setting, marley auditioned for plenty of renowned ballet companies. much to his surprise and delight, the nyc ballet invited him to join their corps. they put him and emery (because he wasn’t going to leave his bby brother behind ) up in an apartment of their own, freeing them from under the thumb of their parents. he’s working extra hard because he wants to be a featured dancer someday ( and someday soon! the youngest ever soloist was 20 so he’s already two years behind! a boy’s gotta work which is also dangerous bc he’s already pushing himself too hard! )

summary: marley is a tiny dancing cliche and a little softie sweetheart who just wants to be everyone’s friend. he has his own mental / image issues which he buries beneath a smile but all in all he’s living his dream. he loves his twin brother more than life itself and has been in brooklyn since 12 and in the ballet since last year so give me all the plots!!

IDEAS!!

hookups

his most ex boyfriend ( they broke up after halloween and dated about 4 months ) ** this is gonna be a wc if no one can take it up

emery’s ex boyfriend -- THEO

'straight boy’ crushes

gym rat -- KENNY

close friends ( all or most probably girls tbh ) -- GIGI

big party friend group -- MARGOT, more open

someone interested in ballet who idolizes marley

dancer friend

boy he’s gonna try and set up with emery out of guilt

neighbor

bad influence

older ex boyfriends / ex flings 

someone protective over marley

mutually protective over emery -- JAMILA

someone he’s protective over -- JAIME

someone whose boyfriend marley flirted with / maybe slept with 

sibling type friendship 

wingperson -- JAMILA

unrequited crush

childhood friends who visited australia

mutual dislike

confidant ( besides em ) -- GIGI

 that’s.... all i got

[diminuel]

Reading List: April

I missed archiving fics I read in March, but I’m back for April. Some of the fics I might have read in March. I’m still not very good at keeping track of what I read when! But the important part is that you get some fics to read! ;D

I’ve added the archive warnings in the brackets in case there were any, but didn’t include the tags. So make sure to read them.

Enjoy! ♥

bring it on home by xylodemon (2.4k)

"She ─" Sam grimaces again. "She likes tea, right?"

Dean hesitates. He pictures their old kitchen in Lawrence ─ the floral wallpaper, the walnut cabinets, the pots and pans hanging on hooks. Sheer, white curtains had hung in the windows, and Mary had left them open because she'd liked plenty of sunlight. It had smelled like coffee in the mornings. Dean had always lined his army men up on the table before eating his Cheerios.

"I don't know," he admits. "She ─ maybe."

Soft and gentle, but also slightly melancholy coda fic for 12x02

The One: Supernatural Edition by motorbike_on_the_avenue (73k)

The One is America's #1 dating show!

Twenty contestants will spend six weeks competing in tasks, to show the American public they should be picked to marry the suitor. Over the six weeks, they'll be voted down till just The One remains...

Dean Winchester is this year's suitor. A 34 year old firefighter from Kansas he isn't entirely sure why he applied to a dating show where he has to get married at the end.

Especially since he'll never have met (or seen) anything about his future lawfully wedded whatever.

But just who will be voted The One?

This is such an enjoyable fic! Dean and Cas don’t even meet each other until the very end, but the premise is so captivating and I constantly was nervous and rooting for my faves *lol*

Kitchen Overhaul by Powerfulweak (Explicit, 20k)

For Dean Winchester, his family’s bakery is his life, even if business is tanking. When his brother volunteers them for the reality show “Kitchen Overhaul”, Dean is less than enthusiastic with changing anything about his beloved bakery. He is even less enthusiastic to deal with the infamously icy host, Chef Castiel Novak.

Just like the previous fic on the list, this fic also has a TV show format as the premise of its story, but it’s more in the background. I loved this a lot! I got frustrated because of Dean, then because of Cas, but it’s all very rewarding!

Peak Homosexual by K_K_TiBal (3.7k)

You know that thing that happens where you hear something really homophobic in public so you gay it up as much as you can? This is that story.

Cute, pretend relationship fic! ♥

Neighborly Behavior by Annie D (scaramouche) (1.8k)

Cas and Dean at a neighborhood potluck, in an AU where they're both kinda assholes.

It’s hilarious and always good for a re-read!

Dean's Table by through_shadows_falling (4.9k)

On Castiel’s first day waiting tables at the Roadhouse Diner, his co-worker tells him to save a spot for Dean, a young veteran with a cane who sits in the same corner booth every day. Dean doesn’t talk, but Castiel’s charm soon works its magic until Dean reveals that he’s there to reconnect with his brother after a painful falling out. Castiel hopes Dean will succeed, even as Castiel's roommate, Sam, visits the diner one morning.

Lovely story about Cas easing Dean out of his lonely shell. And it also includes a happy reunion.

The Glen by Annie D (scaramouche) (3.2k, Explicit)

Dean's run out of excuses to not claim Cas, so he finally does. Better late than never, right?

This is actually set after a previous story, which focuses on Sam and Kevin. It might be slightly confusing without the previous part but I think still an interesting read, especially with the following part!

The Shop on the Corner by CasCase (18.6k, Mature)

Two years ago Castiel left behind his job and his past to fulfill his dream of opening a neighborhood bookshop. Now, his shop is popular and he’s finding himself fitting in with his new community. He’s perfectly happy with his quiet life among the books.

Perhaps the only thing that could make it absolutely perfect would be the attentions of Dean-the-Delivery-Guy. But, of course that means Castiel will have to work beyond his own insecurities to find a way to see the gorgeous man more than once a week.

Maybe he should stick to the books after all.

This was fun and lovely and even though there’s a bit of angst and pining involved, Dean’s gentle patience were lovely!

In Someone Else's Life by blue_morning (4.5k)

Cas never believed in love at first sight, but when he accidentally crashes a wedding trying to keep his brother out of trouble, it happens to him. Happy ending, right? Yeah, except that the man he falls for just happens to be the groom.

Light-hearted misunderstandings (mostly Gabriel’s fault) and an absolutely hilarious ending!

The Return Policy by aileenrose (12.9k, Explicit)

"Most of his visitors are academics. They come from universities all over the nation, sometimes beyond. Others write books. The man in the Reading Room today is neither. He’s a tall, irritated man with a federal badge."

The federal agent's partner is usually the one who does the research. And even though Cas doesn't think this man is a real federal agent, he's happy to help where he can.

A great read, close to canon, with lovely atmosphere!

Do You Need a Stepdad? by supernatural9917 (1.8k)

When Claire Novak tweets a picture of her dad cooking, she didn't expect to go viral, or for everyone to be quite so hot for her dad.

Based on a photo prompt: Teenager Claire posts a snarky tweet about her single dad Cas, and gets this response. She says ‘LOL no he’s gay’ so Dean tweets to ask if she needs a stepdad!

It might be short but it’s incredibly delightful! 

How to Keep Time by aileenrose (6.6k, Mature)

Dean's just beginning to learn that some times are more precious than others.

Very touching fic, featuring homeless Cas making beautiful things and Dean having to (re) learn what’s truly valuable.

The Neighboring Perspective by aileenrose (12.7k, Mature)

Dean's newly single, in a new house, and a brand-new father to boot.

Dean's also got this weird thing where some stranger is leaving baby clothes on his porch at night.

A very lovely fic with Cas breaking my heart with his softness and his sadness...! ;w;

Best You Ever Ate by darkforetold (1.7k, Explicit)

Cas sucks—under a table at Ma's Diner.

A PWP! :D

For Science by shiphitsthefan (6.1k, Explicit)

“Think of it like an experiment," says Dean. "You’re testing a hypothesis as to whether or not a desirable response can be achieved through the stimulation of the anus via the application of a willing volunteer’s muscular hydrostat.”

Cas raises an eyebrow. “Are you actually trying to use the scientific method to talk me into letting you lick my asshole?”

It might sound like a cracky PWP, but it’s not! It features ace!Cas and Dean figuring out their sexual relationship. It’s sweet and funny~

Remarkable by shiphitsthefan (3.7k)

It’s only Castiel’s first day as a teacher at All City Elementary in Sioux Falls, and he’s already been warned by four teachers, the guidance counselor, the principal, and the librarian to watch out for Ben Braeden’s father. Unluckily for Castiel, Dean turns out to be just as “helpful” as everyone’s said, bringing in stacks of literature and just as many ideas for how Mr. Milton can encourage his students to be more socially conscious. Castiel dismisses him every time with hardly a second thought.

When Ben brings in his Patriot Day essay assignment, Mr. Milton can't help but change his mind.

I love how passionate and insistent Dean is about social issues. And the way the other teachers speak about Dean makes me sad, but at least Cas makes an effort and the whole fic is very sweet and uplifting!

Made Manifest by schmerzerling

Wherein Castiel defied God for Dean before Dean even knew his name.

I was craving trans!Dean fic and this was recommended to me. It’s really good, focusing on Dean up until Cas pulls him out of hell and recongizes Dean for who he is. Dean, not Deanna.

Low Battery Blues by destielonfire (4k)

Wherein a dead phone battery ruins an otherwise perfectly good and well-intended joke and causes Cas to think Dean broke up with him.

Misunderstanding with a happy ending!

Parent's Weekend by Piper_Halliwell1979 (1.7k)

Claire needs a "dad" to come meet one of her professors during Parent's Weekend at college. She can't get hold of Cas so Dean steps up to help her out. Turns out Claire wouldn't mind if she had two dads.

Dean and Cas both pretend to be Claire’s dads!

This Is Gonna Have Consequences, Kid by omgbubblesomg (Explicit, 3.6k)

Modern AU. Dean is looking for someone to spend the night and Cas is working the streets

PWP with sex worker Cas, featuring younger!Cas and older!Dean.

The Ritual by HazelDomain (Explicit, 9.6k // non-con cw)

The Winchesters were used to being outnumbered. They weren’t too worried about taking on humans, numerous though they may be. It was the ritual’s mystery guest that concerned them. 

Their intel wasn’t good. They knew the cultists needed the participation of some incredibly powerful being in order to complete the summoning. “Powerful” and “being” were both very loosely translated, as was “participation.”

I was on a hurt!Cas kick and this story has plenty of it. Cas was abducted by a cult and then found by the Winchesters once it’s been mostly completed. See the archive warnings (graphic violence and rape) and further tags!

Finding Courage by DarkHeartInTheSky (26.3k)

By allowing Lucifer to use him as a vessel, Castiel helped eliminate the Darkness and saved the World. But it may have been at the cost of Sam and Dean's friendship. Deciding he has nothing to live for without that, Castiel plans to end his life on his terms and be at peace---if only a certain ghost of an archangel would leave him alone. Meanwhile, Dean needs to learn to use his words.

A Supernatural "It"s A Wonderful Life" AU

More hurt Cas. Dean reacts very negatively once Cas is free of his possession, sending him away. As a consequence Cas tries to commit suicide and is given the chance to either die or return to life once more. It takes a while to convince him that he hasn’t lost everything. It’s sad but it has a good ending.

Specimen Two Eighty Five by HazelDomain (Explicit, 8k // non-con cw)

Prompt: Cas gets taken prisoner by the MOL or some other people. They lump angels in with all the other supernatural creatures, and believe they’re little better than animals. They keep Cas restrained and burn or tattoo warding on him. They talk about him like he can’t understand them. They strip him, examine him, make him manifest his wings. He can’t escape, and every day brings new mistreatment and misery.

Hurt!Cas and tortured Cas seems to be the theme of my reading at the end of April. What I particularly like about this is the non-linear narration!

Womb Kindred by Annie D (scaramouche) (Explicit, 33k)

It was probably too much to hope for that Castiel's once-betrothed, Dean of Winchester, never found out that they had a child together.

I adore this fic and the last chapter was recently posted. So it’s on my to re-read list! It’s got a very interesting setting and there’s constant tension between all the characters. Cas has been hurt in the past and while he is fierce in guarding Claire, there’s a sad resignation about him. And about Dean as well. They’re pretty much walking on eggshells around each other all the time and then they get flung into troubles which readjusts their relationship. While it has a good ending, it’s clear that it’s not a perfect happy ever after. 

Pining Sickness; Or, Murder With One Stone by athaclena, iraeim (Explicit, 57.8k)

New York, 1895. The rigid customs of the old century are beginning to fall away, allowing access to the professions for more people than just Omega men and Alpha women. Dean Winchester, the city’s first Alpha male Detective, uncovers evidence that a mysterious new illness killing mated couples might have its origins is the criminal rather than the medical.

Castiel Novak is a respectable Omega doctor who has started to see patients dying cruelly of something he cannot cure or even effectively treat. Approached by the Detective to once again give his medical expertise, he is eager to work towards finding a cause and, he hopes, a cure for the unfortunate sufferers. But both men harbour a secret attraction towards the other, and the quest for the truth will stretch their relationship beyond its limits.

A historical murder mystery set against a backdrop of a non-traditional Omegaverse.

I absolutely adored this fic! It’s got a historical setting and a very interesting world building which, as the summary advertises, features a non-traditional distribution of roles, with omega men at the top of society. The case itself is interesting and you just get a massive dose of pining between Dean and Cas, but it’s a quiet, resigned kind of pining, that really pulls at your heart.

Take On Me by Powerfulweak (Explicit, 46.4k)

Alpha Dean Winchester figured the closest he’d get to the apple pie life and fatherhood was a one-shot, “wham-bam-thank-you-mam” trip to a sperm bank. That is, until he comes face-to-face with the omega carrying his pup on a fateful trip to the grocery store. When the the omega runs off without a word, though, Dean learns the situation is far more complicated than he expected. Can an anonymous sperm donation and the favor of a lifetime help two complete strangers find everything their life was missing?

A fic with an unusual premise that just promises a “it’s complicated” kind of situation! There’s plenty of very intriguing angst, but there is a fluffy happy ending!

Marry Him by ProLazy (2.9k)

Jimmy is sick and asks Castiel to do him a favour. This results in Dean mistaking Cas for Jimmy and explaining that he wants to marry Cas.

A cute sort of mistaken identity fic!

Left Behind by Aini_NuFire (6.6k)

Sam and Dean saved Lucifer from Amara. They just assumed that meant they’d saved Cas too…

(Author needs to vent some angst, but there’s still a happy ending)

That last part of the summary pretty much describes this fic. It’s a gen fic, addressing the fact that Cas often gets forgotten or left behind, especially in this whole Lucifer and Chuck fiasco. ;w;

Captured by bobertsmallismydad (6.2k)

On a day when he is taking a break from Heaven Castiel is captured by the order of the Royal Court aka King "Dickbag" John Winchester. He is forced into servitude as a . . . nanny?

This has a very interesting premise! An enslaved angel having to work as a nanny? Great! Castiel is captured by king John (a douchebag) and tasked to watch over Dean, which he does, over the years. Until Dean himself becomes king.

Choice and Precious Vessels by justabrain (11.2k)

In a world where angels wear collars to suppress their powers and are subservient to humans, a young Castiel finds himself serving a family with two young boys, Sam and Dean. He soon befriends the older of the two, yet all good things must come to an end.

Another gen, Cas whump one. It’s a sad story in which angels are slaves and even though Castiel’s situation improved when he is being bought by the Winchester family, Cas still isn’t treated with dignity. And while the story promises a happy ending and it does have a happy ending, my soul wasn’t quite soothed. ;w; All the damage had been done and nobody makes reparations for it. But despite the sadness I do think it’s a great read!

the worst week of dean's life by jhoom (1.7k)

Dean’s son is driving him crazy.

Super cute, poor Dean is so frustrated because he can’t get his son to call him dada.

Moonlit Sky by hollyblue2 (1.1k)

They'd been busy on their actual anniversary, so Dean decides to make it up to Castiel.

A soft and fluffy story, good for the heart!

Dean's Carol by BurningTea (17.9k)

Dean has learned that a hunter can't have close friends or loved ones, not without being ready to lose them, so he decides it's safer for Cas not to be around.

Can the traditional visits from three ghosts change his mind?

Dean has to learn an important lesson! I love how it takes the story of the christmas carol and putting it into a canon compliant universe, where Dean is aware of what’s happening because he knows the story.

[bluboothalassophile]

HfaB Universe Openings

Hello,

It has come to my attention that DC has been slightly disappointing us fans. So I’ve thinking to expand on it to the other super families DC has to offer. But I’ve also realized that this undertaking is a wee bit too big for me to do by myself, so I’m thinking to open the Hopes for a Bastard Universe to a few writers who are interested in this undertaking.

The families I’m offering for adoption are the Supers, Flash, Arrows, and Aquas.

The expansion rules are simple, the goal is to smooth out the inconsistencies of DC, and to create a smooth out the interactions of the characters. 

To join, those interested will direct me and my co-judge, @bookaholicpt, to the samples, and together we will select the writers who are most interested in joining. Feel free to tag or message me so we can go investigate your writing.

Now, the goal is open communication between the writers so, yes, there are some ESTABLISHED points from what I’ve already written for the Hopes for a Bastard Series, Rooftop Dances, Oceans Away, Parent Trap, Run Of Your Life, and Chemistry. But other than what little of the external families has been established free creative licence with the families.

Rules for Once In:

No Killing Characters Without Consulting

No Cheating On Married Characters Without Consulting

All Ships Must Be Consulted On, There Are A Few Endgames Already Set

Characters can have one-sided crushes, at the writers discretions

NO Major Events (death, marriage, cheating, relationships, sex, etc.) Impacting On OTHER Families Without Consulting The Impacted Family

Friendships, Team Ups, and Borrowing of Other Characters Must Be Consulted On.

NO CHARACTER BASHING! None. You can dislike a character, I dislike some, but there will be no character bashing. If there is to be character bashing, then you, as the writer, will have to work on selling this through actions, writing, and not just senseless bashing.

No OCs, unless you bring valid reasons for the OC and the OC is not the main of the story, DC has a plethora of characters at our disposal so please, dig into using those.

Now, the winners of this little competition will be offered a single page, black & white, comic panel by, @chromium7sky, who has kindly offered this.

Now, I have the Bats, and Outlaws obviously, as I work on the Hopes for a Bastard Series and Rooftop Dance Trilogy. So if you wish to use the Bats for the story, you need to speak to me about that, but I know the Bats are friends with other superfamilies so I won’t be hording them; to a degree. Same with the Outlaws.

IF Presented with a GOOD Plot Idea for the Titan Teams, or JL Teams, then we will discuss building on those. But to take a Team, with Cross Over Characters means presenting an ACTUAL Plot for those kinds of stories.

Super Families for Adoption:

Aqua Family:

Family Members: Arthur C., Mera, Orm, Garth, Dolphin, Kaldur’ahm, Tula, Arthur Curry Jr., Koryak, Lorena M.

Arthur and Mera are married, they do have a strong marriage

Garth is the exact same age as Richard ‘Dick’ Grayson, and they are friends

Garth is friends with Dick, Roy, and Wally

Kaldur’ahm is gay or bi, depending on the writer’s preference

Garth can be in a relationship with Tula or Dolphin, or a love triangle if you can pull it off

Koryak was born before Arthur was married to Mera and before Arthur was Aquaman and King of Atlantis

Arthur Joseph Curry is the same age as Damian Wayne

Arrow Family:

Family Members: Oliver Q., Felicity S., Roy H., Emiko Q., Tommy M., J. Digg, Artemis C., Connor H., William C., Walter S., Lian H., Detective Q. Lance, Dinah L., Mia D., Cissy K.

Oliver and Felicity are married with a strong marriage

Laurel and Tommy were engaged

Laurel is dead

Moira is dead

Thea is dead

Dinah L. is Detective Lance’s youngest teenage daughter, half sister of Sara and Laurel

Emiko is bi

Tommy is foster father of Cissy and Mia

Lian’s second dad is Jason T.

Roy’s joked on ‘husband’ is Jason T.

Roy is a recovering addict

Mia does have HIV

Artemis is half Vietnamese and Jade’s younger sister

Artemis is marrying/married to (depending on where in the HfaB timeline) Wally West and mother of Irey W. and Jai W.

Flash Family:

Family Members: Barry A., Iris W., Detective J. West, Wally W., Cecile H., Jenna W., Bart A., Jay G., Joan G., Wallace W., Floyd L., Zoe L., Suchin L., Irey W. (depending on HfaB Time Line), Don W. & Dawn W. (depending on the HfaB Timeline), Caitlin S., Cisco R., Harry W., Jesse Q.

Joe has had two wives, Francine & Cecile

Francine is dead and white with red hair (yes, this change was to accomidate Wally West I’s appearence of being white with red hair)

Wally West I is related Iris through her older half brother Robert [deceased] who was mothered by Francine

Jay and Joan Garrick are from Earth 2, which was destroyed

Barry and Iris are happily married

Harry is from Earth 3

Bart is from the Injustice Future (will elaborate to the person who adopts the Flash family)

Bart does not talk about the future

Bart is gay and aware he only likes guys

Irey is from the future

Caitlin is Killer Frost and a JL doctor with high security clearence

Wallace West II is related to Iris West by her younger brother, Daniel who is on Suicide Squad

Floyd Lawton adopted Wallace and lives in Central City with Wallace, Suchin, and Zoe

Iris had a set of twins first; Don and Dawn (depending on HfaB Timeline

Irey is from the future, she’s live with Wally and has a twin in her time; Jai

Super Family:

Family Members: Martha K., Clark K., Lois L., Jon K., Kara Zor-El, Kon-El, Karen Starr, Christopher Kent, Tanya Spears

Clark Kent and Lois Lane are married happily

Jonathan Kent is dead

Jon is Clark and Lois’ son

Kara is also adopted by Clark and Lois, they’re her guardians, not parents; Kara is still Clark’s very young cousin

Kon is adopted, yes, it’s a conflict in the family

Kon and M’gann are expecting twins (family feelings on that is open for interpretation)

Power Girl, a.k.a. Karen Starr is posing as Kara’s older sister

Karen is a lesbian

Karin is from Earth 2, which is destroyed

Chris Kent was adopted after Raven’s connection to the portals and Phantom Zone went haywire in Holiday Express Shipping

Tanya attends MIT

Characters of undetermined sexual orientation can be up to the writer. If a character is obviously gay, bi, lesbian or asexual then the writer will decide, but share to the rest of the writers, about this decision. Race and religion are not to be toyed with, unless that’s still unknown, but for the most part these are known. Try to stay true to the origins of the character, but alterations can be made but please inform us of these alterations.

The goal of opening the HfaB Universe is to create this to be a smoother world than the DC universe, we’re smoothing it out and fixing it. Because frankly I can’t be the only one tired of this shit. So if you’re interested, tag me, or talk to me and present samples. @bookaholicpt and I will work on deciding the winners of this.

[drawingwithgreen13]

Things that don’t get as much attention in Be More Chill as they should (based on the original bootleg and audio)

Gonna put them under a read more coz this list is L O N G

Jeremy lifts his shirt up in his bathroom to look for muscles

Jeremy thinks of Robert De Niro as a ‘hero’ and a cool guy

Rich literally lifting Jeremy up by his shirt collar when Gerard’s legit 5′4

I’d say Jeremy sounds genuinely interested in play rehearsal but a lot of people already know about that

Pretty much all the shenanigans that go on during the first classroom scene, like Rich doing the finger-through-hand fucking thing to Michael

Jeremy outright says he has small nuts

Michael wears his hoodie all the time until he sees Jeremy

Michael knows about Jeremy’s thing for Christine and is supportive of him!

Jeremy writes letters to Christine

Rich doesn’t actually point to Jeremy when yelling ‘gay!’, he just holds his fist up (or he points with his pinkie, I didn’t see)

Jeremy gets surprised by Michael when the two are at the door to play rehearsal, which is where the line ‘I guess evolution's not for everyone...’ comes from

MICHAEL THREATENS TO MOCK JEREMY FOREVER IF HE DOESN’T GO TO REHEARSAL WHAT A NERD

Christine tries to make a joke

Christine knows about sex and makes jokes based on it (’You’re a virgin. First play rehearsal!’ ‘You never forget your first...play rehearsal!’)

All the shenanigans happening in the background of Mr Reyes talking about the play (Jake pumping his fist up when Mr Reyes talks about the sport team and RICH GOING ON HIS KNEES TO PULL A CHAIR UP FOR BROOKE TO SIT ON)

Mr Reyes hugging Christine after saying Shakespeare is dead

Jake trying to be smooth with Christine and Christine obviously being kind of bothered by it, but trying to be kind

THE LITTLE EXTRA PART JEREMY SINGS WHERE HE TALKS ABOUT HAVING A BREAKDOWN THIS BOY HAS HAD BREAKDOWNS FROM NERVES

Rich’s hips during ‘confidence’, you know the one

Rich slapping himself for talking with his lisp

Rich pretty much hinting that he has a small dick

Whatever those weird hand things he was doing were during the ‘it’s from Japan’ part

Slide-y slide-y ‘IT’S FROM JAPAAAAAAAN’

How when Rich sings the next part, a robotic voice plays in the background, almost like it’s his SQUIP talking...?

More hip wiggles

‘TEENAGE ROCKSTAR SPLENDOR’ AIR MICROPHONE AND MORE HIP WIGGLES

Jeremy is a clean freak by the looks of it (’Aren’t you gonna wash your hands?)

Rich’s dancing (THE SHIRT LIFT THO)

How Rich flushes the urinal at the end

All the shenanigans during Two Player Game (stealing controllers from each other, switching beanbags, Michael fucking Tickling Jeremy)

The boys like Nintendo!

Jeremy getting annoyed at Michael’s constant ‘coooool at college’es

Mr Heere entering his son’s room, knowing fully that there’s a guest in there, WITHOUT PANTS

‘Are you hanging out with a girl? Oh...hey, Michael.’

Mr Heere was gonna order pizza for them aww

Michael sounds genuinely concerned when Jeremy talks bad about his parents

Jeremy legit flips Michael off after he says ‘favouwite person’

Michael reminding Jeremy to get to the point during the SQUIP deal

Scary Stockboy is more of a drama queen than Mr Reyes, who’s a drama teacher

Michael’s ‘whatever’ look at Stockboy’s ‘I DON’T KNOW WHY!’

The fact that the ‘pumps’ line was improvised

Jeremy was willing to share the SQUIP with Michael

‘I like to think that some day, you’ll owe me one’ FORESHADOWING

Mountain Dew can apparently be sold in cups?

Jeremy likes chilly fries apparently

Jenna immediately going to record Jeremy spasming on the ground

(The rest is just gonna be from the audio now) Jeremy sounding high as fuck when he says ‘you look like...Keanu Reeves’

Eric not being able to do a British accent for the life of him

How fucking excited Jeremy sounds when he says ‘LIKE IN X-MEN??’

Jeremy’s first independent shirt choice was...a girl’s shirt. What does that imply with his fashion sense? Or maybe he’s so thin only girl’s tops can fit

Chloe making Madeline sounds like the person who murdered her entire family in front of her

How fittig Lauren’s singing style is for ‘Do You Wanna Ride’ like wow?

CHLOE SINGS WITH BROOKE LIKE WHAT, CHLOE WAIT UNTIL ACT 2

The scene where Jeremy is tiredly singing before going to sleep and the SQUIP calling him ‘slugger’

Chloe is, like...really selfish. The way she talks to Christine about Jake makes it clear she isn’t over him

Christine sounding genuinely upset that Jake didn’t go to play rehearsal, and not just sad-upset. She sounds legit betrayed

Jeremy and Christine slow dance Jeremy lifts Christine up and spins her do you see the love in his eyes when he’s looking at her

How well Will C’s and Stephanie’s voices go together

The SQUIP literally breaking ‘cause Christine said she liked Jake

The fucking volleyball line, SQUIP you’re gross

How convincing Will C’s crying is (side note but hearing him cry makes me think back to the fact that during one show he legit started sobbing during the ‘everything about you is so terrible’ line and the show had to stop to calm him down)

BROOKE IS A GOOD GF WHOEVER SHE ENDS UP WITH IN THE FUTURE IS LUCKY

‘Super old and kinda mean to women’

The SQUIP saying he ‘didn’t exactly’ kill Eminem, when in fact, it didn’t kill Eminem, at all. It just predicted a favourable possible outcome for it happening

This isn’t an underappreciated part but I need to bring it up. They straight up killed Eminem (this happened in the book too like Ned u good?)

‘Our future is so clear’ is Brooke thinking about her and Jeremy’s future together?

Whatever her and the SQUIP are doing to Jeremy to make him question his sexuality

WILL C LEGIT SOUNDS LIKE A YOUNG BOY OR A GIRL WHEN HE REPEATS THE ‘UPGRADE’S

Jake is a good boyfriend if kinda a dick at points

Jake Boyd can fuck me up

Eric going l o w when singing with Jeremy at the ‘Christiiiiine’ part

Jeremy gets overwhelmed by voices in his head

The SQUIP is okay to just...leave Jeremy’s head

Michael gets genuinly sassy when he’s upset

Despite Jeremy ignoring him all day, he’s still super excited and happy for Jeremy when he finds that the SQUIP worked

Jeremy literally stating that being honest doesn’t get him anywhere

How we never see Michael’s reaction to Jeremy optic-nerve blocking him? Like, we don’t know if he was sad or angry or confused or all three?

Brooke is a flirt when it coms to Halloween costumes

Jake has...a condom. As if that’s the only thing he’s bringing to the party

Rich has an older brother! Who happens to have a Jason mask

Also, a loaf of bread...

Jeremy being a n e r d with his costume

Apparently the SQUIP wears a Matrix costume?? There’s no bootleg with that footage but wow

Jake not understanding how to treat his girlfriend 101

Rich getting sad during the last ‘It’s Halloween’s

Chloe thinks Jeremy is cute

Chloe is, indeed, probably worse then Madeline when it comes to the sluttiness

Jeremy trying his best to be kind and polite even when Chloe’s pretty much on top of him

Chloe’s ‘flask’ is a baby bottle

THE SQUIP MAKES JEREMY DRINK IT CHLOE DOESN’T FORCE HIM

They actually kiss

The SQUIP actually speaking correct Japanese (and Eric speaking it well)

Chaos

Michael thinks his ‘clever disguise’ isn’t clever at all, judging by his tone

Jeremy and Michael had been friends for 12 years

Joe T took the part in the book where Michael said his BROTHER took a SQUIP and changed it so that someone ELSE’S brother took it instead (side note, this probably makes more sense considering Michael has two mums)

Michael thinks that Jeremy just wants sex with Christine

Will C’s acting is oof so good

Apparently Michael makes a lot of awkward movements with his arms during Michael In The Bathroom, which I find interesting

Also apparently Chloe’s the one knocking?

The scene where Jeremy and Christine talk o the couch

How upset Christine is that Jake and Chloe are having sex, so maybe Christine saw their relationship as more then just romantic...?

‘Popular people are messed up!’ Christine isn’t popular

The monster on the couch making weird noises along with Christine and Jeremy, and all of them laughing

Christine pretty much admitting that she may have feelings for Jeremy, too

Ok I wanted to make a post about this by itself but I need to mention it here, too. When Jeremy says ‘I thought we were friends’, do you hear how angry he sounds? How...almost selfish he sounds? It’s like the SQUIP made him act like he was entitled

The fact that apparently Rich wasn’t drunk or high during the party, so his actions were done while he was sober

Jenna’s ‘WAaAaAoOoHh’

Chloe straight up lying to Brooke about the sexcapade for the sake of them to maintain their friendship

How quick Brooke is to forgive her

How scarily accurate school tragedies are treated during The Smartphone Hour? Like, people make a big deal out of it, only because it’s drama. Like, seriously, the ‘R-I-C-H, can’t you see just how much I love your tragedy?’ almost gave me chills

Jenna, Chloe and Brooke all say Rich is their best friend for no reason? They just say it just ‘cause? What’s up with that huh

Mr Heere is so broken and lazy that he doesn’t even know his own son is starring in a play

How they kept the SQUIP giving Jeremy instructions, like, they didn’t forget about that good job Joe

Jeremy can drive, apparently? Unless that was the SQUIP’s doing like in the book

Jeremy sounds so frustrated with his dad for all the times he wasn’t there for him, due to his mother leaving. In my opinion? He totally deserved to say that

Paul sounds like he’s crying when the first part of ‘The Pants Song’ is playing?

HE LEAVES THE HOUSE WITH NO PANTS MR HEERE ARE YOU GOOD

What shirt is Michael even wearing

He and Jeremy like Weird Al!

The fact Michael tries to hide the blunt from Mr Heere

The fact that Mr Heere thinks its incense

When Mr Heere says ‘do you love him?’ and Michael responds with ‘...what?’ he doesn’t sound like he’s been caught, it sounds more like he’s genuinly confused as to why he was asked that, so maybe it wasn’t intended to be romantic?

Mr Heere calls Jeremy a little shit and I love that so much

Michael is aware of how much of a ‘not-dad’ Mr Heere has been and calls him out on it

Again, how school tragedies are really treated is scarily accurate. It’s clear Christine’s saying what she’s saying because obviously you’re an asshole if you ignore the person in the hospital from a fire, even if you never talked to them

‘Break a leg!’ ‘Not cool’

Jeremy saying that Christine didn’t help him figure himself out, right after she asked. Wow Jeremy way to be an ass

Mr Reyes being the understudy for two characters like damn

(I forgot to talk about The Pitiful Children so I’ll talk about it here) how quickly Jenna is ready to take a SQUIP, thinking it’s a drug

The SQUIP thinks that showing sadness is a human error

ALSO FORGOT TO MENTION THIS EARLIER BUT THE SQUIP WEARS DIFFERENT OUTFITS

How Joe T literally couldn't’t make it anymore obvious that the drink for the play was gonna SQUIP the whole cast

Mr Reyes wants to go to Broadway

The SQUIP’s mock sigh

Michael literally refusing to give Jeremy the MDR ‘cause he wants an apology

The SQUIP blocks Jeremy from speaking

How they’re both arguing while the SQUIP makes Jeremy physically fight Michael

Michael likes to eat eel

Jeremy and Michael are jealous of each other

Oh yeah uh Michael is high throughout all of this

How Will C’s voice breaks when he says ‘I’m SORRY!’

‘Actually, that doesn’t sound weird at all’ Jake what do you like to watch online

Jake says ‘Upgrade! Upgrade! GOD, I love me!’ 

Chloe thought Jeremy slept with Brooke

Michael doesn’t like girly stuff by his ‘ugh...’

Jenna seems to have been given the power to tell what happens through her mind or something?

When Christine sings about wanting to be with Jeremy. I’m like 95% sure that’s not just her SQUIP telling her to say that

Jeremy made Christine drink the MDR, not knowing that it was gonna get rid of all of the SQUIPS. He willingly offered to sacrifice his happiness and freedom for the sake of freeing Christine. If y’all think that he just has some sorta puppy crush on her, I don’t know what to think

Not super unappreciated but Michael screaming with the others ‘cause he’s freaked out

How casual Rich is when Jeremy wakes up in the hospital

Rich decribes the SQUIP as a ‘shiny, happy hivemind’ 

Rich refers to himself by his full name, and not just ‘Rich’

How quick he is to assume Michael is Jeremy’s boyfriend

‘I’m sure some special someone will be lucky to have you, Rich’ is Michael hinting at something, here?

How fucking excited Michael gets when talking about how the SQUIP was destroyed. Like, this boy loves tech and science so much!!

When Jeremy asks why Michael came to help him even after all the stuff he did, Michael immediately responds by saying his dad also helped.

Jeremy sounds like he’s happy crying when he sees his dad

‘It’s reassuring. He still doesn’t know anything about girls’ most people take this line as Michael saying he’s happy ‘cause maybe he has a chance with Jeremy. I think it was originally written as a sorta ‘oh, good, he still doesn’t know about girls, the SQUIP didn’t change him too much’

Mr Heere is legit good at romantic advice

Michael gives not very good advice, presumably because he, too, doesn’t know a thing about girls

‘Tell her that the exthites you thexthually’

The fact that Chloe mentions doing ecstasy is a cool nod to the book

Jeremy is, indeed, an acne boi

Jake is almost as 90s as Michael

The fact that Christine’s original SQUIP was Hilary Clinton raises a lot of questions

Since there’s no visual aid for this, I’m just going by what I’ve heard. Apparently, after Christine agrees to go on a date with Jeremy, HE KISSES HER.

Jeremy proudly confronts the SQUIP. You go boi

Holy FUCK this list was way longer than I thought but it was worth it. I wanna draw stuff for some of these moments in the future damn

[acidblackpirate]

A Bonding Chat (Part 1)

„Take that!“, yasu shouted and slammed his thumb down on the console again and again.

Ka-yu’s eyes were fixed on the screen, desperately trying to survive, so yasu wouldn’t win the game.

“You really think you can beat me that easily?”, ka-yu exclaimed loudly.

Their arguments could get heated over games like this.

“Fuck!”, yasu swore and then his half of the screen froze, while ka-yu’s spelled out the glorious three letters W – I – N.

“Ha, told you”, he said with a grin and leaned back on the couch. “Man, this is the most fun I had in a long time.”

Yasu raised his eyebrows at him doubtfully. He had the long blonde hair done up in a ponytail and his full lips seemed a little chapped. Ka-yu thought he looked gorgeous like that.

“I didn’t have sex in a long time, you see”, he added as an explanation.

Throwing back his head, yasu laughed. His Adam’s apple bounced slightly as he did. It was kind of sexy.

Ka-yu shook his head lightly.

He really needed to get laid, if he started to look at his best friend like that. It was yasu, after all. Of course, he was attractive and all, but in the end, he was just the dork he had grown up with.

For a while he had considered asking him out, he had to admit that. Right after finishing school and moving out, he had thought that maybe they could make it work if only he took the first step. But then they had gotten serious with music and all of a sudden, they were work colleagues and he had just dropped the idea. There was no point in making it complicated.

“I know!”, yasu sighed. “When has it gotten so damn hard to get laid?”

“I mean, we’re rockstars, right?”, ka-yu joked. “Shouldn’t it be easier?”

“I think that’s exactly the problem”, yasu said. “It might cause a scandal so easily. And you can’t pick up someone anonymously. Actually, I thought about trying on the internet. With a fake account, you know?”

Ka-yu furrowed his brow.

“That’s stupid and desperate”, he pointed out.

Yasu shrugged.

He had never been scared of that. Some of his outfits managed to definitely be both.

“But think of the advantages! I’m a pretty kinky guy. On the internet you can just state your preferences anonymously and find someone who is cool with them. In real life you can’t just walk up to someone with a rope and ask: Hey, how you feel about this?”

He made a thoughtful pause.

“At least that never worked out for me. A girl slapped me once”, he added.

Ka-yu rolled his eyes but had to laugh at the same time. Sometimes it was hard to tell how serious yasu was about what he said.

He had to admit that he had a point, though. Ka-yu had a preference himself that was hard to fulfil lately. There had been girls, a lot of girls. But at the moment he longed for someone who was different. Someone with a nicely defined chest and strong hands with veins showing on them; someone like yasu. But picking up guys was significantly more difficult than it was with girls – even more so if you were kind of famous and wanted to keep a low profile.

“It’s still stupid”, he insisted and saw a bad idea forming behind yasu’s eyes.

They always started to glisten with that certain glow when he did.

“Hey, I have an idea. We both place ads on some sex site and see how it goes. Doing it alone is sad, but if we do it together, we can always have a laugh at it if it turns out to be a disaster. And in the best case, we even find someone to get laid with.”

Ka-yu groaned.

“No, yasu, just no.”

He wondered if he could find a hot guy like that. Someone who made him stop noticing the way his best friend pursed his lips or that his arms looked like he had been working out lately.

Yasu picked up the gaming console again.

“Tell you what. If you win this round, I’ll forget about it. But if I win … oh boy.”

Oh boy, indeed.

***

Ka-yu had put it off as long as he could.

Originally, he had promised to do it in the evening, but then he had went to sleep early instead.

Yasu hadn’t called to check on him yet, but it was only a matter of time. Sure, he could have lied to him, but that was not how their friendship worked. Whoever lost the game had to keep their promises.

He stared at the computer screen. Ka-yu had no idea where to look for a gay sex partner exactly, but he doubted that it would be difficult.

It wasn’t.

The first search request resulted in about thirty different platforms for gay single men in Tokyo. If there were so many, why hadn’t ka-yu found one of them yet?

He considered himself bisexual since a camping trip in middle school, where he had finally realized that it wasn’t just confusion of puberty, but that the sex of his partner really didn’t make much a difference to him. Nonetheless, he had been with girls mostly so far, at least when it came to serious relationships. He had never dated a man for a longer time period and there never had been one in his life with whom he would have considered it. Well, maybe one.

Ka-yu clicked on the first website, which did not contain the word “dick” in its description. It looked pretty alright to him. Not better or worse than anything else, he figured. After all, he wasn’t really getting his hopes up with this anyway. He was just registering because he had lost to yasu.

He went to the “create profile” link and thought for a moment.

Obviously, he couldn’t get a profile as himself. He would have to create a fake personality. Why not have some fun?

BadBoy, he typed down for the user name and then hesitated for a moment. Maybe he should add his year of birth. 75? Or he could make himself a little older, just for the fun of it. Only a few years and he could be in his thirties. The thirties were sexy. Maybe add five, six years?

BadBoy69, he put down. Yes, looked good to him.

The website asked him if he wanted to put some sort of self-introduction or picture of himself on his personal blog. He declined both. Probably no one would message him that way and he could just tell yasu that his stupid idea hadn’t worked out.

He went online.

Within the first minute he got three messages, one of them had the picture of a dick attached. He deleted the one with the dick, then the second one that was written in bad Japanese, but nonetheless very vivid. The third one he granted with a short Hi, nice to meet you, but stopped answering as the next message asked for his weight. It was just rude.

He got up, went to the kitchen and made himself a cup of tea.

When he came back there were three more dicks, five friend-requests from people he had never talked to, another message that went straight to delete and two more to which he replied shortly.

He got an answer to his first reply immediately; wanting to know if he was a bad boy that loved sucking dick. Ka-yu deleted that one as well.

Sipping his tea, he wondered why there seemed to be nothing but perverts on this site. All of them had user names like DickLover24 or HotDaddyWantsToFuck. He didn’t even feel like checking the incoming messages anymore. Did none of them have anything better to do on a Sunday morning?

He opened another message. I want you to fuck me all night long, it said. Delete.

The next one on the list did not look more promising. The user name was SexyHole. Good lord. He almost hit delete without reading, but then he opened it anyway.

Let me guess … 69 is your lucky number?

Ka-yu stared at the message, then blinked very slowly. 69. Damn, he was an idiot.

My birthyear, actually, he typed back. I only realized that now. That explains the messages I’ve been receiving. Do you know where I change that?

The reply came almost immediately.

Why would you want to change that? It’s a lovely name.

It’s attracting perverts, ka-yu typed.

So, you don’t enjoy talking to me?, the stranger asked.

I’m talking about the other perverts, ka-yu clarified.

Another user name won’t stop the creeps coming, I get those messages, too.

Ka-yu checked the name of his chat partner again.

SexyHole? he asked.

What? Don’t tell me it sounds cheap … I was aiming for classy!

Ka-yu chuckled and his stomach did a weird little twist, although it was still too early for that. Dorks had always been his weakness.

Now, tell me, he wrote, what is a nice guy like you doing on a website like this?

He had to wait a little longer for the answer this time.

In the meantime, he checked two other messages, that he deleted instantly.

Finally, a new message popped up and he opened it a little too eagerly. Man, he really needed to calm down. He hardly knew this dude.

I’m trying to pick up a sexy bad boy ;D, it said.

But as he scrolled down there was another, longer answer.

Honestly, regular dating hasn’t worked out too well for me lately. I’m working in the entertainment sector (I’m a tv show actor, probably you’ve never seen me, but still) and it’s hard to meet someone. I would like to find someone for sex or preferably a relationship, but I can’t do that without building a trusting relationship first, so I know nothing of it will get leaked. That means no meetings, pictures or phone calls until I feel comfortable with someone. I hope that’s not a problem?

Ka-yu’s heartbeat suddenly picked up pace. There was someone who was in a similar situation as him. It also meant this guy wasn’t a creep, although his user name said something different.

No problem at all, ka-yu wrote back. I’m working as a producer for a more or less popular girl group. Usually, I’m not out in public myself, but I would like not to give out too many personal information until I’m sure, either.

He stared at the message for a moment, before sending it. That sounded like a stupid job, he had to admit. But the music industry was all he was familiar with and he did not want to put the focus on rock too much, just in case.

Good! You’re pretty young for a producer, aren’t you?

Ka-yu hesitated.

I guess I was lucky. Mind if I ask for your age since you already know mine? I could be hitting on a high-school kid for all I know.

Oh, so you are hitting on me? ;D

Ka-yu could almost hear the teasing tone behind the message, but he read on.

But don’t worry, I’m ‘75 birthyear.

With his fingers ka-yu drummed a light rhythm on the table plate. That guy was exactly his age. And he liked his way of talking.

You are just the perfect age for me then, he sent, biting his lower lip.

Was he going to fast? He did not want to sound like one of those creepy perverts out there, but it was also obvious what both of them were looking for. He ought to do a little flirting to signal interest, he guessed. Ka-yu had really no idea how this was supposed to work and it made him feel nervous and insecure.

Maybe I should watch out, though. Doesn’t a bad boy like you mean trouble?

Ka-yu grinned, although he tried not to. The game was definitely on now.

Just when he started typing, his mobile rang.

He picked up, knowing it was the controlling call he had expected.

“So, did you do it?”, yasu asked without introduction.

Ka-yu rolled his eyes.

“Yes, yasu, I got myself a stupid account. Happy?”

Yasu gave a thoughtful hum at the other end of the line.

“Found someone to chat with yet?”, he wanted to know.

Ka-yu stared at the message on his screen, still waiting for him to reply.

“No”, he lied.

It was easier to shut yasu up than to explain that he wasn’t sure yet, or why the hell he had decided to register on a gay site anyway.

“You know you have to write to people and not just wait around, right?”, yasu went on. “The girls might be shy.”

Ka-yu gave a little huff. It did not feel like the right timing to own up that he wasn’t looking for a girl at the moment. The right timing would have been 10 years ago, he guessed.

“How about you?”, he turned the conversation around.

Yasu gave a sharp, barking laugh.

“Only four people blocked me so far, so it’s going good, I guess.”

“The idea was stupid to begin with”, he reminded his friend.

“Come on, be optimistic. And call me when someone interesting shows up”, yasu ordered and then hung up without another word.

Ka-yu stared at his phone. Yasu was an idiot and he could be so rude sometimes. Nonetheless, the thought bothered him that he might be chatting with other people right now.

With a sigh he turned towards the computer again. There was only one way to get yasu out of his head once and for all.

I do mean trouble. I promise.

He wondered if he should have gotten more detailed already, but he wanted to take it slow.

I have one question – Do you have tattoos?

Ka-yu looked down on his own arms.

Yes, several, he replied.

Hot damn. And do you wear leather sometimes?

This time, ka-yu grinned.

All the time.

It wasn’t even a lie.

You sound exactly like my type, the stranger wrote.

Ka-yu took in a deep breath.

If we ever go on a date, I’d wear my blackest leather jacket for you and take you on a ride on my bike, he said.

There was a moment of silence and he wondered if he had mentioned the possibility of a date too soon. They had agreed it would take time, after all.

And what would you do with me afterwards?

The question was pretty clear, but it made him swallow hard nonetheless.

I’d take you to a hotel room, he wrote.

Would you fuck me?

The four words stared at him black on white, flickering a little with the lights of the screen. He hadn’t dared to say it first, but there it was, direct and unashamed. Ka-yu wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

On the one hand, it was exciting. But it was also happening so fast. He had never told anyone about the things he wanted to do with another man. Now the possibility was there, anonymously and without consequences.

I’d rip off your clothes and throw you on the bed. I’d fuck you with your ass up and your face down, so you wouldn’t be able to walk the next day.

He hesitated.

It was just a stranger.

It didn’t matter.

He hit send.

Fuck, came the answer right away. You know exactly what I want to hear.

Ka-yu smirked. It was exciting to share his fantasies with someone he didn’t know at all. He hadn’t expected to be the kind of guy who would write so openly, but he understood the thrill of it now.

I wouldn’t waste my time with foreplay. I’d just take you until you go hoarse from crying out with pleasure.

He could almost see in it front of his eyes. Walking into a hotel room with a handsome stranger, kissing him, his grip on him firm and demanding. Shoving him onto a bed and then fucking him. Dirty and rough, without holding back. By now, he had a solid hard-on, cursing himself for being so easily aroused by someone he couldn’t even see, whom he knew nothing about.

Please, show me who’s the boss. You could do to me whatever you want. I’d let you go in deep and clench you tightly.

Ka-yu reread the message twice before he started to unbutton his pants. He shouldn’t do it, but he was very aroused already. He did not know when their conversation had taken this turn since they had started chatting only a few minutes ago.

But maybe yasu was right with what he always said. Maybe ka-yu was a little too uptight and a little too worried about just everything.

He closed his hand around his hard dick, the hot flesh pulsing between his fingers. Just when he started stroking himself, another messaged came in; like an afterthought.

God, I wish you would take me right now. I want to feel your dick inside as you fuck me.

He swore softly but went back to typing.

I want to fuck you right now, too, he admitted. Just touch yourself instead. I want you to do it right now.

He went back to stroking himself as the next message came in and he read it, while the heat down his stomach started to build up.

I am touching myself. I’m using my fingers on myself and my ass feels so hot and tight, but I want more. I need something bigger. I would really prefer your dick.

Ka-yu imagined what the inside of this man would feel like, hot around him. He wondered if he was really touching himself right now, in a different part of Tokyo.

The thought made him cum between into his own hand and he gasped loudly. He couldn’t remember the last time he had gotten so excited by touching himself.

Still evening out his breath he grabbed for a tissue and started to clean himself. He felt dirty, not because he had masturbated, but because of the messages he had sent out to a complete stranger. No one else knew about those things he wanted and he had just told them openly to someone he had exchanged only a few words with.

Blankly, he stared at the screen. For a moment nothing there changed and he wondered what to write next. Finally, another messaged showed up.

I came, it read.

Ka-yu inhaled deeply.

He still didn’t know what to reply. After another few breaths a new message popped up.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean this kind of thing to happen so fast. Hopefully, you don’t think of me as a disgusting pervert now.

The words sounded honestly worried, so ka-yu typed back.

It’s okay. I did it, too. I usually don’t do this, though.

I usually TRY this a lot, but you are the first one who said all the right things. Please, don’t stop talking to me now.

Ka-yu ran his hand across the face, trying to clear out his thoughts.  The guy seemed to have a good sense of humour and he hadn’t been taken aback by ka-yu’s words. He wanted to go on talking to him, but he also felt weird about it. Somehow, he didn’t want yasu to be right.

I won’t stop talking to you, he promised. You seem fun.

If by fun you mean kinky, I’m probably the funniest guy you’ve ever met.

Ka-yu laughed. It was always dangerous when they made him laugh. Ka-yu fell for it too easily.

Tell me some more about yourself, please, he asked. I want to get to know you.

While waiting for a reply he deleted some creepy messages. Even the normal ones didn’t make him feel like replying. He had made his decision early on.

Well, I already told you, I’m an actor. I’m mostly staring in tv shows and commercials. A lot of commercials. Sometimes it feels like I’m earning my living just by making a fool of myself. Also, I’m bisexual and currently kind of hungry…

Surprised ka-yu noticed that he was also kind of hungry. Their little chat had lasted longer then he realized and it was definitely lunch time already.

We have a lot in common, he pointed out. I’m also bi and hungry.

Maybe we should eat?

We should, he agreed.

He liked the way their conversation had taken a very casual turn. It seemed easy to chat with this guy.

Ka-yu went into the kitchen and prepared lunch for himself. He wasn’t a very good cook, but he made sure he ate healthy, more or less.

When he returned with his plate, he already had a message waiting for him, that read Enjoy your meal.

Ka-yu smiled absent-mindedly. So nice, he thought.

Do you feel better now?, he asked, after having finished his own meal.

Yeah. Nothing makes me feel as good as food, the reply said.

He had to smirk himself as he typed the answer.

You haven’t felt my dick yet.

The answer took a moment. He wondered if the other one was laughing.

You’re smooth, Mr. BadBoy. Anything else I need to know?

Nah. Ka-yu hesitated. When it wasn’t about his job as a musician, he didn’t feel like there was anything interesting about him to say. I’m just a pretty normal dude.

Maybe we shouldn’t talk about personal stuff just now. Tell me about the things you like. Favourite movie, favourite band, most hated celebrity (man, I hope that’s not me :P)

Ka-yu smiled as he read the message. After all, those were some things he didn’t have to lie about.

***

Recordings were exhausting and ka-yu was thankful when he finally got a break. It was just the demo tapes so far, but he hadn’t slept much during the last night.

It had turned out that he and his ominous new friend had a lot of things in common when it came to their personal taste and he had stayed up long discussing an English book that had been published only last month. He had enjoyed it a lot and sometimes missed a friend to talk to about such things. With yasu it was always just jokes and games. He made a big point out of not reading.

Afterwards he hadn’t been able to fall asleep immediately. He kept thinking about the guy, of whom he didn’t even know his real name, or what he looked like. He had always been affected a little too easily, but this time it was pretty bad. He had never developed a crush so fast, and usually his crushes developed with the speed of lighting already.

“Joa, ka-yu, how’s it going?”, yasu shouted way too cheerfully and slammed down on the chair next to him.

Ka-yu put his head in his hands with a groan.

“Please, yasu, give me a break.”

“No way.”

Yasu boxed him lightly against the shoulder to make him look up.

“You need to tell me how our little project is going.”

“It’s your project”, ka-yu sighed.

“Did you even try?”

Yasu looked at him sternly.

“If you want to get laid, you need to try. Did you chat with some girls?”

Ka-yu winced. He did not know why he kept lying, except that he felt embarrassed for having missed the right timing. Yasu had only ever seen him date girls and he had let it slide for too long to tell him about his bisexuality. It would only feel awkward now.

“I did chat with a few”, he lied.

“Did it get, ah, aaah, aah! Sexual?”, yasu moaned.

Ka-yu rolled his eyes and tried not to pay attention to how sexy yasu sounded even if he only faked his moans.

“Of course not, idiot”, he huffed. “Who would get sexual so soon?”

He thought of some of the messages he had typed down yesterday and hoped he wouldn’t blush.

“I get sexual all the time!”, yasu exclaimed and laughed.

Sometimes, ka-yu just didn’t know what to do with his best friend. He was shameless.

“You are such a creep”, he scolded him. “No wonder people block you. I would probably block you, too.”

Yasu’s laughter went quieter now, but his grin was very wide. Ka-yu loved that laugh of his. It made him look beautiful. Although, of course, he didn’t care about that.

“Not everyone can be as boring as you, Mr. Missionary”, yasu teased him. “You look so tough, but you’re not adventurous at all. You really need to loosen up a bit. The internet is perfect. No one knows it’s you. Treat yourself to a little fun.”

Ka-yu shook his head at him.

“I’m not boring”, he insisted. “You’re just … Just what is wrong with you, yasu?”

He wanted to sound angry, but he couldn’t help grinning at the end of the sentence.

The whole thing was so typical.

“Baby, please”, yasu said and got up from his chair.

Before walking away, he leaned down and placed a short kiss on ka-yu’s cheek.

Ka-yu hated it when he got intimate so suddenly as part of a joke. It caused a shiver to run down his spine and his whole body seemed very present, especially where yasu’s lips had touched him.

Close to his ear he whispered with disguised voice that turned very low:

“You know you love me.”

Ka-yu wasn’t so sure about that sometimes.

***

When ka-yu came home, he went straight to his computer and switched it on. He had looked forward to this pretty much all day, although he knew it was stupid. He shouldn’t be so excited to get back to talking to a stranger.

When he found no message waiting for him, he felt weirdly disappointed.

Had he misjudged their conversation yesterday? In his opinion they had really hit it off, but maybe he hadn’t left the same impression on the other. Or maybe he was just busy today or too shy to message him. Ka-yu reconsidered. No, he probably wasn’t too shy. If he should be the one to message him? Would that seem too eager? Or was he waiting for ka-yu to do it?

He didn’t know, so he decided to take a relaxing bath first.

That was even more stupid than just rushing home to get to the computer. Now he would have to wait even longer. To prove to himself that it was just a minor crush and nothing serious, he stayed in the bath longer than necessary.

When he came back, the screen signalled for him that he had a message waiting.

His chest went uncomfortable tight and he told himself to calm down. He hated this feeling. He hated acting like an idiot.

Hey, how was your day?, the message asked.

Long, ka-yu replied. I came home from work not long ago.

You should make sure to relax.

I already took a bath just now.

Ka-yu stared at the words, not sure if they might imply something sexual.

And how are you?, he added.

Tired. I had a shooting today and am extremely exhausted now.

You should go to sleep soon, then, ka-yu said. Sorry, for making you stay up so late yesterday.

No, no. I enjoy talking to you. Please, let’s chat some more today.

Aren’t you too tired?, ka-yu made sure.

Nothing exciting, please :P, the other one wrote back. Just talk to me, so I don’t feel so lonely. I was looking forward to that all day.

Ka-yu felt a soft sting in his chest. The words sounded small and vulnerable, but he liked that sort of honesty.

I was also looking forward to talking to you again, he admitted. What kind of shooting did you have today? Commercials?

No, I’m doing a minor role in a tv show currently. I’ll have shootings all week.

What made you want to become an actor?, ka-yu asked.

I don’t really know. It just happened. Sometimes I wonder what I’m even doing here.

Ka-yu himself didn’t know that feeling at all. Music was all he had ever wanted to do. It was so much fun, in spite of all the hard work.

Have you ever thought of doing something else instead?

Lately, I thought that I would like to try writing. I have this story in my head, about a woman. Or… rather a girl. But I don’t know. I don’t think anyone would like to read it. People want to see me act, that’s what I’m good at.

Ka-yu stared at the message for a while. He could read the hesitation between the lines, the insecurity.

If you want to try, you should try, he finally wrote. You don’t have to be good at it. Just do it for yourself and I’m sure you will find people who will want to read it. I’m here if you need a test reader.

Again, it was already getting late. Tomorrow, there would be recordings again. They were still trying things out, trying to find the right arrangement to the melodies. He knew that yasu had already started working on some lyrics, but mostly it was only humming at the moment. It was a difficult process, though, and he needed his full concentration.

Thank you, the reply came. I haven’t told anyone about this yet. Maybe I will give it a shot. But now I should probably sign off. I also want to take a bath and go to sleep early. But we will talk tomorrow, right?

Sure, ka-yu agreed. Sleep well and have a nice day tomorrow.

Sweet dreams and good night.

Ka-yu was smiling like an idiot as he switched off the computer.

***

The day had been long again, but this time he did not hesitate logging in to his account immediately.

Hi, how are you today?, he wrote before even going to the kitchen to make himself some food.

When he came back the reply was already waiting for him.

Good, but still tired. Or again, I’m not sure. But it’s better than yesterday.

Ka-yu nodded, although the other one could not see him. He felt pretty much the same.

Same here, he agreed. Are you making progress with the shooting?

Yes, we are, but there is still a lot of work ahead. But let’s not talk about that. I want to hear more about you. How long have you been single? If you don’t mind the question.

Ka-yu exhaled gravely. He hated that question almost as much as he hated the answer.

I haven’t really been seeing anyone in more than a year already, he owned up. Work is always keeping me busy.

For me the last serious relationship is also years ago. I’m tired of this shit. I just want to come home to someone.

Absent-mindedly ka-yu nodded to himself. He knew that feeling all too well.

Can I ask you something? Are you openly bisexual? I mean, is it a problem at your work or something?

Yes, I’m pretty open about it. Although not everyone approves, of course. I came out pretty early to everyone important to me, so it wasn’t a big deal.

First boyfriend?, ka-yu asked.

He was curious about this, about the experience other people had made.

Not sure if you could call it a boyfriend. I had just turned 18, had my first bigger role as an actor. He was a producer at the studio and at least 20 years older than me, but still very good looking. He took me to fancy restaurants a few times and a fancy hotel once. I was pretty easy to impress back then...

Are you telling me you lost your virginity to a hot sugar daddy?, ka-yu assured, not sure how he felt about it.

He had to admit that the idea was kind of hot, but it also made him feel insufficient and inexperienced.

How about you? Who was your first?

Man?, ka-yu assured, but really just playing on time.

His first time with a man had been well into his 20s and pretty unspectacular. They had met at a bar in Tokyo, went out for coffee the other day and never called each other afterwards. It wasn’t a story you used to impress. After the one he had just heard, it felt even more shabby.

Yeah.

Ka-yu hesitated. He wondered how he would have liked his first time to happen. He wondered what kind of story he would have liked it to be. The only thing he could think of was a very dorky grin with slightly crooked teeth.

I had this band with a few friends back at school, he typed, not sure where he was heading with it, just knowing what he would have liked it to be. In our last year of high-school we were playing a small gig at a local club. Everyone was there, our friends and family, celebrating afterwards. Just me and my best friend – he was our vocalist – snug out early. We went back to my place; my family was still out at the club. Everyone was wondering where we were, I guess. We didn’t care that night.

He remembered yasu’s heated cheeks that night and how his hair had stuck to his sweaty neck. A lot of things might have went different, if he had gathered up the courage to kiss him that night. The story might actually have become true.

That sounds nice, the other one replied. I was playing in a band in high-school, too, but I gave that up.

For a moment, ka-yu’s heart seemed to skip a beat, although he couldn’t quite say why.

What did you play?

Drums.

Deeply he exhaled. He didn’t know why he had been worried. But it was drums. Drums were good. Drums were not vocals.

Your arms must have looked very nice back then, he teased.

They still do ;D I try to work out whenever I find the time.

Ka-yu swallowed hard.

I think I’d rather go to sleep now. If you keep talking, I’ll get too excited to fall asleep otherwise.

He kind of hoped the other one would keep talking, though, and get him too excited to sleep ever again, but he didn’t.

Good night, his last message said.

Ka-yu thought that this was nice, too.

***

Today, recordings had been finished a bit earlier, so ka-yu was surprised he already had a message waiting for him when he got home.

Hello there. Work today was super boring, I would have preferred to chat with you instead. During lunch break I installed this program here on my mobile as well. If you do it, too, we can also talk during the day. If you want to, I mean.

Ka-yu hadn’t been aware there was a mobile version as well, but it took him only a few minutes to figure out how to install it.

Of course, I want to, he replied. I already did it just now.

Nothing happened for a while. The other one wasn’t online it seemed. With a groan ka-yu realized he would have to distract himself otherwise.

First, he thought of calling yasu, but then they had only seen each other at the studio an hour ago and he didn’t really know what they should talk about anyway.

So, instead he switched on the tv, skipping through the programs lazily. Every young man on the screen made him wonder if maybe that was the person he was chatting with. Maybe it was that handsome guy with the brown hair? Or that one in the background with the green jacket? The one drinking iced tea in that commercial?

He thought he would be able to keep his curiosity in check. Not knowing whom you were talking to was part of the excitement after all. But by now he wasn’t so sure about that anymore. He liked that guy, whomever he was. He would have liked to know a little more. He would also have liked to make sure he was hot, but that was something he didn’t like to admit. It was a pretty superficial thought. If they got along so well, the looks shouldn’t matter that much, right?

Starting to get bored, he switched the tv off again and supressed a yawn. Maybe he should take a nap. Tomorrow there was an important meeting at work and he didn’t really have a reason to stay up.

He took his mobile with him as he went to bed, taking off his jeans and laying down. If he just closed his eyes, the sleepiness would take over eventually.

It didn’t.

He was sleepy and exhausted, but his thoughts kept spinning.

Suddenly, his mobile buzzed with a strange sound.

He looked at the screen to realize he had gotten a message in the chat of that gay dating website.

He opened it, afraid that it might turn out to be another pervert, but it was the answer he had been waiting for.

I’m sorry, I was tired and trying to take a nap, but it just won’t work.

Surprised, ka-yu smirked.

I also went to bed to do the same, but I also can’t fall asleep.

Looks like you have to talk to me then.

Are you still in bed?, ka-yu typed.

Yes, although the bed is kinda too big for me alone.

Ka-yu licked his lips. Obviously the other one had understood what he was getting at.

Are you dressed?

Nah, I stripped down to my underwear before laying down.

Now, he swallowed, feeling his own body heat up significantly. He wasn’t used to chatting with someone like that, but it got him excited fast.

Describe yourself to me. I want to imagine what you look like right now.

I’m not especially tall, but I have a nice build, I think. I’m working out sometimes, but I’m not exactly muscular – more on the skinny side. I wear my hair long, because it makes me feel like a rebel. I have really nice lips; for kissing and also for sucking dick. And right now, I took off my panties, too, so I’m completely naked.

Ka-yu inhaled deeply, trying to calm himself down. But the words made him feel strongly aroused. He imagined a handsome guy with long hair, now lying in his bed naked somewhere in Tokyo, talking to ka-yu.

You sound so sexy. I’m already hard, he confessed.

Show me.

Insecurely ka-yu stared at the last message. Wasn’t it too soon for that? He didn’t want to be one of those guys. At the same time the thought alone pumped even more blood down to his lower body.

You sure?, he asked.

Yes.

That was a pretty clear answer, ka-yu had to admit.

Hesitantly, he pushed back the blankets and pulled down his pants. His dick was towering into the air already and he went for his phone camera. Taking a loose hold of his erection, he took a picture, feeling a little weird about it.

He wasn’t really vain and not used to taking pics of his own penis but sending it to someone who didn’t even know his face was pretty exciting.

He checked the picture to see if there was anything that might give him away. But except for black nail polish coming off on his thumb there was nothing that told anything about ka-yu.

He hit send and waited for what felt like the longest minute in his life.

Oh god, your dick is so hot, I just want to do naughty things with it…

What do you want to do?, ka-yu asked, starting to stroke himself as he waited for the reply.

Probably the other one was doing the same now, fantasizing about ka-yu’s penis inside of him. The thought was such a turn-on, he moaned quietly.

I want to climb on top of you and sit down on that pretty dick. I want to ride you hard right now.

Ka-yu’s dick twitched slightly in his hand as he read the message. He let go to reply shortly.

Do you like riding dick?, he wanted to know.

Yes, I’m a slut for riding dick (and I mean that quite literally). I want to slide up and down on you, until you cum so hard, you won’t even remember your own name.

Softly, ka-yu swore under his breath, clenching his dick tightly, stroking fiercely now. He got aroused by how much that guy wanted to fuck him, how much he wanted to thrust into him himself. He liked the way he talked dirty and liked to imagine doing those things to him.

With a small outcry, he came, inhaling a few deep breaths, before picking up his phone again.

I want you to take me in all the way and get loud while we do it, he wrote.

He wanted the other one to have something nice to read, even if ka-yu was already finished.

There was a silence for a while and ka-yu’s breath came even now. His body felt warm and content and he was at the edge of falling asleep now for real. He forced himself to stay awake, though, until his mobile buzzed again.

Thank you. Are you finished as well?

Yeah, ka-yu replied. Now I’m sleepy.

So, we’re taking that nap together now?

Ka-yu yawned once again.

Let’s do it!, he agreed.

And so, they did.

***

The meeting was horribly boring. They were sitting in an office room and their producer was delivering a speech about the concept for their new album. It was mostly about finances and sales figures and questions of promotion ka-yu didn’t care about. Not even one song was completely finished yet; he didn’t understand the fuss. There would be a hundred similar meetings before the official release date.

Across the table yasu made a face at him and he rolled his eyes in agreement.

Everyone in the room was either playing with their mobile or scratching little drawings into the table plate in front of them.

Ka-yu got out his own mobile, only to see he had received a new message.

I’m so bored. What are you doing?

I’m at a meeting, ka-yu typed under the table, trying to look like he was still listening.

I’m at the set, but I’m not shooting at the moment. So, I’m just thinking about you.

What are you thinking about?, ka-yu inquired.

That picture you sent me yesterday. I’m imagining what your dick would feel like in my mouth and how you gag me with it. I want to lick it and push it down my throat. I want to taste your cum.

Ka-yu hoped that his cheeks wouldn’t colour as he read the message. He tried to keep a neutral expression, but it was difficult, because he already got aroused again.

The message following right away didn’t make it any better.

Actually, I have a huge boner right now. I just hope no one will notice.

Then go to the men’s room and jack off.

I can’t just leave, came the answer right away. Plus, someone might come in. I can’t just do it in the office’s toilet.

Of course, you can, ka-yu insisted. Now, be a good boy and listen to daddy.

Their producer was still talking, but ka-yu was paying even less attention now. He wondered if he would do it, or if he had demanded too much. The thought excited him that he could just order someone around like that. That someone might sneak off work to touch themselves, just because ka-yu wanted them to.

Okay.

That single word made his breath catch for a second. Okay. He would do it.

And don’t bother to keep your voice down. I want you to know that someone might hear and know what a slut you are; not even able to keep your hands off yourself during work.

Deeply ka-yu exhaled before hitting send. He had never thought of himself as kinky, but he had to admit that this was fun.

He looked at their producer again, who now paused to sort out the papers in front of him.

“Any questions so far, guys?”, he asked.

Yasu gave a quick hand sign to draw his attention.

“Could we maybe take a short break? 15 minutes or so? I really need a smoke.”

Their producer looked a little surprised, but ka-yu nodded in agreement.

“Yes, a smoke would be great”, he said.

After this chat he really needed to catch some fresh air.

“Alright, then let’s meet here again in 15 minutes”, their producer gave in and everyone grabbed their jackets to go out for a bit.

Ka-yu already felt a lot calmer as he stepped into the cool air outside. His head seemed to clear up and all the other parts of his body also felt less heated immediately.

He lit himself a cigarette and looked around.

“Hey, have you seen yasu?”, he asked one of the staff members next to him.

The whole crew had taken the opportunity for a break. A lot of people were involved with sales figures, but no one seemed to find them very interesting.

“No, sorry”, the young woman said and ka-yu shrugged it off.

Maybe he had went to smoke somewhere else, or he had went to get himself something to eat instead.

He checked his mobile, but there was no new message. He was weirdly disappointed by that but hoped that it meant his order was being carried out at the moment.

After about ten minutes, people started to walk back inside.

Ka-yu lit himself another cigarette, just to have an excuse to stay out longer.

Once again, he checked his phone, but no one had messaged him in the meantime.

“Ka-yu, you coming? The meeting is starting again in a moment.”

He gave a short wave with his hand to signal he was aware of it. Then he looked at his mobile again, although he knew he was acting unreasonable.

Everyone else had went back inside by now and he was the only one still standing here. The 15 minutes weren’t quite over yet, but everyone seemed eager to get back to work.

Suddenly, the door was pushed open and yasu dashed out, a little out of breath and his cheeks a very healthy colour.

“Fuck, I almost didn’t find the time”, he swore and got out a pack of cigarettes, struggling with his lighter.

“Let me do that”, ka-yu offered and pulled out his own to light yasu’s cigarette.

They were standing very close and he could see yasu’s lips tremble slightly as he sucked on the cigarette while ka-yu gave him fire.

“Thanks”, he said, smoke blowing out between his lips as he spoke.

Ka-yu knew they should probably quit smoking, especially yasu who had to watch out for his voice. But he also had to admit that his friend looked really sexy with a cigarette.

“Where have you been? You were the one who wanted to smoke”, he asked.

Yasu gave a small shrug, but his grin gave him away.

“I had to answer a very important phone call”, he said.

Ka-yu raised his eyebrows at him, yasu’s smile making him feel a light pang of jealousy.

“Someone special?”, he assured.

Yasu gave a short nod, while inhaling another lung full of smoke.

“Don’t tell me it’s someone you met on the internet?”, ka-yu teased lightly, but felt angry about it for no specific reason.

Yasu was already making phone calls then.

“I know it’s ridiculous, but yeah”, he admitted.

“You ought to watch out”, ka-yu reminded him sternly. “Someone might recognize your voice.”

“I know”, yasu waved it off. “Don’t worry, I’m careful. No meetings or pictures so far.”

Ka-yu hesitated a moment. The possible answer to the next question already made his chest feel tight.

“Someone you like?”

Yasu shrugged once more.

“Someone I’d like to get laid with, at least”, he joked and made ka-yu roll his eyes.

He should not have expected anything else from his friend. Of course, yasu wasn’t the one who would have deep, meaningful talks and develop a good relationship first like ka-yu was doing.

“Just take care”, he said and saw yasu’s grin soften a bit.

“I wondered if you are free on the weekend?”, he changed the topic. “There is this event for young bands that are not popular yet. I thought it would be good to keep an eye on the scene. Wanna go? It’s on Sunday.”

“Ehm.”

Ka-yu thought about it. Usually, he would have said yes, since he didn’t have better plans anyway. But now, he thought, that he would much rather stay in and chat with his new crush. He felt a bit bad for letting yasu down, but they were already spending so much time together, it hardly made a difference.

“Sorry, I’ll be busy”, he said.

[butterscotch-brigade]

fuck it. im too lazy to draw my warriors ocs so here are some of them that i made w this amazing picrew

flowerfur: basically my self insert/sona. riverclan medicine cat whos Big Gay and loves collecting things to decorate her medicine den. curious, sweet, and almost childlike despite being medicine cat for many seasons, she likes to see the good in every cat, and her natural pacifism is partially what lead to her becoming a medicine cat. loves helping other cats and detests conflict; ignoring the fact that shes a healer, shes not very good at de-escalating conflict to begin with. gets very nervous whenever fighting occurs and is very protective of her mate, nightfeather (yes ik medcats cant have mates in canon but thats a stupid rule so fuck you its MY self insert oc so i can make her gay)

nightfeather: flowerfur’s mate, a grumpy riverclan warrior who i adopted from my lovely gf @charcolor​ (she was her self insert oc when she was a kid askldjff but she gave her to me and i changed her personality bc shes My Character Now and i have Permission To Do That). nightfeather is secretly very anxious, but she hides it very well with her standoffish, gruff exterior. the only cat shes willing to let herself be vulnerable with is her mate flowerfur, ofc. shes not really the best at fighting and tries to avoid it whenever possible; instead, she feels a greater sense of fulfillment hunting for her clan. often brings flowerfur things like flowers or shells to decorate her den with and helps out around the medicine den occasionally (though she needs to be tutored on it bc she doesnt know much abt herbs and healing, being a warrior and all)

blossomstar: leader of a fanclan that ive been working on, blossomclan!!! blossomstar is a genderfluid cat who uses he/she/they pronouns, any is fine for them. being the leader of a brand new clan may seem like a daunting task to any other cat, but not to this determined warrior. charismatic and confident to a fault, blossomstar cares deeply about their warriors and believes that a positive attitude is the key to success. even in times of distress, they always manage to bring hope and cheer to their warriors. this doesnt mean you should underestimate them in battle, however; they are actually a fierce fighter and can surprisingly get somewhat......carried away when fighting. fighting is thrilling and fun to them, and sometimes they dont know their own strength. thankfully, their deputy (who i.....havent decided on a name + design for yet askljf) serves as a calm and wise “brain” to their “brawn.”

warblerstalk: ok so. i got this name from a generator so dont judge me. ANYWAY this thunderclan deputy is SUPER edgy. like on purpose. she doesnt give a fuck if you think she looks ridiculous bc she does whatever the fuck she wants (in my mind shes actually 10x more edgy.....she has like. red eyeshadow and emo bangs w a red streak n shit aksljsad but i couldnt do that in the generator so just. deal w this for now). BUT despite her edgy appearance shes actually a pretty effective deputy. shes a bit more forceful than her leader and waaayy harsher towards intruders than necessary, but thats bc she secretly has a crush on a riverclan warrior named lilylake and she doesnt want anyone to suspect anything. has a surprisingly strategic mind and has won many a battle, and she enjoys showing off her cool battle scars to the apprentices.

lilylake: can u tell riverclan is my favorite clan. ANYWAY lilylake is a fun loving and optimistic warrior who loves to take it easy. this easygoing mindset has gotten her in trouble in the past, as she was caught shamelessly flirting with the fucking DEPUTY of thunderclan, warblerstalk. thankfully she was only let off with a harsh warning, but that doesnt stop her from continuing her advances when the two of them are alone. despite their relationship, however, lilylake cares deeply about her clan and actually hopes to become leader one day, though she knows itll probably never happen as long as her relationship w warblerstalk continues. will she choose her heart or her clan?? Who Knows! thats for Me to decide!

blazeheart: a brave and energetic shadowclan warrior, blazeheart was adopted into the clan as a kit along with his sibling icepelt. their mother was a rogue who died giving birth, so they were taken in by a generous queen named frostwhisker (design pending). blazeheart is loyal as any warrior could be, and is fiercely protective of his sibling. he has kind of an overconfident and reckless streak and believes that hes more powerful than he actually is, especially since he became a warrior. loud and somewhat hyperactive, hes a better fighter than he is a hunter, and some wonder if shadowclan was really the right place for him since stealth and secrecy is something they value. nevertheless, he works hard to protect and defend his clan and family, even if he ends up getting himself hurt in the process.

icepelt: the polar opposite of their brother, icepelt (she/they) is very quiet and seemingly stoic. however, their “stoicism” is really just a mask they put on; they are actually socially awkward and have an incredibly difficult time forging friendships with other cats besides their brother. blazeheart is the only cat who can convince them to come out of their shell, and hopefully someday theyll be able to make more friends. they are actually a very competent warrior who understands shadowclan values and hunting/fighting techniques better than blazeheart does, and if it werent for their shyness, they would probably be a very popular warrior. maybe the more time they spend around other cats, the more outgoing they will become......someday.....

stormsong: my newest guy!!! im still working on his personality bc hes so new, but im thinking hes an older senior warrior whos highly respected in windclan. he has a habit of saying whatever pops into his head at any given moment and is known for being brutally honest, but this isnt to hurt people; rather, he just believes in not holding back and standing up for what you believe in. he is very fond of apprentices and loves being able to mentor his own. he looks forward to retiring to the elders den so he can tell stories to them of his glory days. for now, though, he is content to remain a warrior and serve his clan however he can.

[lysitheaioandeuropa]

hey! let’s talk! about me!

I’m gonna bullet list in hopes to keep this concise (UPDATE THIS SHIT IS A LOT LONGER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AND I THINK I WILL BE MAKING SEPARATE POSTS), bc i know it definitely isn’t going to be very organized. Before i had my fucking mental breakdown this afternoon, i actually had a lot of thoughts this morning. Some good, some bad, but i felt like i was taking the time to really acknowledge and process some things that.. I don’t get to acknowledge and process often. Or that i just flat out refuse to, or i choose to repress memories, or am still struggling with “wait, did that really happen or am i making it up,” which apparently is a sign of childhood emotional negligence or some shit like that. So basically this will prob end up being a series of extremely personal anecdotal text posts that i have shared with.. Absolutely no one prior to now, for all of my two followers to read (but tbh y’all don’t even have to, i’m mostly keeping this up here for me & prob to have something to share w my therapist, but i won’t stop y’all)

Part I - Oh no, I Caught “The Gay!” Alright, so boom: sexuality. I know i don't shut up about being gay, i know i am entirely way too hype about having a gf and being absolutely fucking smitten with her (AND WOMEN IN GENERAL), but when it feels like i’ve been forced into being silenced about that for sooo fucking long, shit can you blame me? I’ve been pretty open about it as an adult (p much 20 & on or so), it wasn’t like.. This huge secret or anything, but it also wasn’t something i went out of my way to make public. I never officially came out, and unfortunately when people found out it was because this real crazy chick decided to out me out of nowhere and i guess i just figured i had to own up to it, i didn’t really care what people thought of it then. It was weird answering questions, but easier to navigate in my 20s, though more on that later. I did let my partners know if i was dating anyone seriously (as seriously as you can as a teenager anyway), but past that idk, it just never came up. And i sometimes envy the younger kids/adults that like.. Have all these resources and labels available to them now, you know. I feel like its a lot easier to explore who you are and your identity today than it was when i was in middle school, having an extremely hard time sorting out my feelings for my “friends” (read as: i usually thought i just really wanted to be their friend, but also was v aware of how attractive they were to me, but it didn’t seem okay to talk about; whereas, middle schoolers now are a little more open? Have more labels? i have always settled for gay, Bc i did like and develop feelings for guys too but even then knew i liked my friends more). And i mean it was always something i personally was okay with, i wouldn’t deny myself the pleasure of finding girls attractive whatsoever. It’s weird looking at kids now like “oh no, they’re only children!” But i was all of 11 yrs old, first day of sixth grade, when i literally prayed that hands down THE prettiest girl in my 5th period would sit next to me as soon as i saw her walk in and had instant butterflies when she smiled at me and took that empty desk, like holy shit lmao (bruh.. She was 5’1”, puerto rican, and in my head at the time, looked RIGHTTTTT. We were partners in that class for the rest of the year and best friends outside of that class and her voice & her laugh, like bro!!!! Again, confusing and frustrating to have a crush on her, know that, be her friend and hello ofc she’s gorgeous so every boy was always after her too. Navigating feelings was so hard, but then i found a boy to crush on and felt normal again lmao). BUT it just seemed like the normal thing to do was not talk about it or ever bring it up to anyone at all at any point in time which i realize now is.. Yikes lmfao. I think it would have been different if i had someone to navigate that with, i was “mature” enough to figure it out on my own, and know to just keep it to myself, and accept it and not feel like a weirdo or anything, but not always be so eager to act on it. Again the older i’ve gotten, the easier it’s been to tell the story of how my parents thought the neighboring boy and i were so cute together in pre-k & meanwhile i was kissing this one girl during nap time, lmao. So like, i’m okay with that much; i don’t and never have felt guilty about being gay (bi, pan, whatever), even growing up in a church bc it rly was something that just came naturally to me from the jump. Puberty was slightly confusing but not a total shock either.

High school was even more so challenging and confusing? Bro. one of my best friends (and we’re def still friends now) and i were very close and the bitch had absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. Granted she had always been like that, I had been friends with her since the 6th grade as well and had seen her with other girls and boys but never put too much thought into it (you will see that this is my reaction to 90% of shit that happens to me). I’ve posted before and recently about being gay but not wanting to be predatory but getting mixed signals in “regular girl friendships,” and this was fucking textbook, lmao. I never got my hopes up or anything, and i just didn’t consider being with her a real option, but yeah, no, i deadass liked her and i’m sure she knew and didn’t mind the attention either lmao. Call it my first situationship i guess, lmao. We shared a locker so she would leave me notes and gifts, and vice versa, we’d bake for each other, we’d walk to class together, usually have lunch together, so on and so forth; she had no problem holding my hand and hugging me and being affectionate and calling me baby but like.. We weren’t dating. That was a thing. I both welcomed it and brushed it off; i was really comfortable with her physically, but still thinking i should only be dating boys even though they made me extremely uncomfortable and i’d flinch if they got too close (lmao, i have an entire separate section ready for men; cue eyeroll). I mean she kind of lead me on but not rly? I knew not to take it srsly BUT i also knew i’d be down as fuck if she ever changed her mind lmfao. Deadass she’s a 10/10 both then and now and she’d always do this cuuuute thing where she’d wrap her hands around my neck and kiss my nose and bruh i’d melt. Most people were already convinced we were dating *shrug* anyway though, this guy tried to hook up w me but i was like ehhhh so he ended up hooking up w her instead and i started dating my first boyfriend (who was terrible, abusive, and legitimately ruined my life in the short span of 10 months or so but that’s in the men’s section). It’s not like all of that magically stopped either though but i never pressed her for anything more, just entertained her and got butterflies every time she would hit me w that “i’d so love to date you” but her issue was she was comfortable with women but not sexually. I obviously wasn’t trying to sleep w her at 14, but i get it, that's her prerogative & it never got in the way of our actual friendship & i 100% value her as JUST my friend, she’s been rly great to me and has been there for the shittiest of times and has gotten me out of some rough spots. It was what it was lol. And there were other pretty girls after her that i would have considered pursuing but just never went for it. There was this senior girl i had for a class the following year and she also was and still is just jaw-dropping, beautiful, like holy shit. Something about her reminded me of strawberries and just made me feel cozy, you know? She always smelled nice, her hair was strawberry blond wellll past her waist, and she had to have been dumb to not notice me checking her out 25/8. Anyway though, i’m not trying to talk about every single girl i’ve had a crush on; the point is, i have always been firm on my sexuality you know, i never felt like i had a “questioning” phase and it just felt normal (and it has been annoying to have people question just bc i wasn’t “out” long enough to them? Or bc i’m straight passing as far as being fem + dating shitty guys goes). The only weird part was just never pursuing or never having the means to, obviously every girl is 500% straight in high school, or they sure were back then at least. I knew all of like two or three openly out girls and while i was not interested in none of them, i did envy the confidence they had not in just “hey i’m GAY,” but one of them was notorious for just pursuing any girl she was interested in and having it work in her favor? Even the “straight” ones? In my head i could only think like bro how the fuck? Anyway, proceed w checking chicks out on the sly and dating shitty guys (#bars)

So of course, college came around right, and thankfully i knew myself well enough at this point to know that my relationship with women was completely different from my relationship with men. How we interacted, how they made me feel, etc. i moved out at 17, had my own apartment, all that jazz. I had a serious boyfriend but we did do the “open relationship” thing for a bit and lo and behold, available women were everywhere. And we’d chat, flirt, and i knew the physical attraction was there (and, you know, i’m not going to get graphic or anything but confirmed i enjoyed that aspect as well) but not rly much else. So again, never put much thought into it, i was open to being with women romantically but it just never came up and finding straight guys to date after that boyfriend and i broke up was just easier. At this point, i took a “cross that bridge when i get to it” when it came to “officially” being out; it seemed pointless to make this huge deal when i was still just dating dudes, or not dating anyone at all. Not too long thereafter though, one of my close friends (i only have a couple) called me freaking out, it was adorable, lmao. So this girl confessed her love to her and she was confused about what she should do lmao (my gaydar went off THE SECOND I first met my friend and i mentioned it in passing but she always brushed it off). The whole “do what feels right” line is tired but that was the only advice i can give her really. Putting a little more thought into the situation this time and wishing i had someone i could call when i was freaking out over a girl i told her like “you know, there’s nothing wrong if you’re gay. I’m gay, i turned out just fine.” long story short, if you ask her she will always credit me for helping her come to terms with that, but she was also the first person outside of a boyfriend that i said that out loud to and.. It was nice. We kinda helped each other through that and it was nice to have that one gay friend finally lmao. But let’s just fast forward to maybe a year after that, i’d talk to girls here and there nothing serious, when the same crazy girl that liked my friend wants to talk to me (i told y’all the lesbian/local community dumb small) my friend didn’t care and i wasn’t trying to date her seriously, i was in town for the holidays and figured it’d be fun, whatever. So i was going to LIC w A HUGEEE group of my friends. Like. a significant amount, that i had only seen a couple times since high school, and that i obviously did not share my personal business with. This girl knew i wasn’t out, i told her not to be acting crazy either smh. So i knew the girl in passing but not like officially and we did most of our talking online/texting (bc thats how lesbians meet lmao). Keeping that in mind, this is the first time i’m actually meeting this girl not irl but def f2f y’know.. And this is the third time that i’m saying she’s crazy. We find a place to meet at LIC between sets and i told my friends i was waiting for another friend of mine thinking that would be the end of that. Now the whole “lesbians are crazy and move way too fast” trope was a thing w this one bc as soon as she spotted me she ran to me and just kissed me, i swear it was straight out of The Notebook, bro and i turned around and my group of MAYBE 10 friends that caught that were literally staring, wide-eyed, jaws dropped. And i just brushed it off and said k, i’m ready to go, and the questions from there on after just would not stopppppp. It was partially embarrassing bc i am not a spotlight ass bitch whatsoever, but most people that saw us together strangers and whatnot thought we were a “cute couple” and we were complimented most of the night. But every time she’d hug me or kiss me or anything, my friends would be ready behind her back in group of three trying to mouth over me like “girlfriend???? Dating?????” and no she wasn’t my girlfriend but the way she was all over me i had to claim her as such at that point to make my life easier lmao. And i can laugh it off now because no, it rly wasn’t that big a deal to me then but it does kind of suck that it ended up not being my own choice y’know. I had fun with her, the night ended well, she left w me and slept over (nothing happened [that time] but it was still nice nonetheless lol). New years eve was the next couple days and we made plans together and again, we weren’t official or like REALLY talking and it was a (different) group of us going to this house party. I didn’t think she’d do the same thing like, bro without asking or anything, imagine if i was a person that did seriously mind?? Anyway, she got drunk and was the life of the party, she has quite the presence, and by the time it was midnight she straddling my lap making out with me and thats how i came out to everyone else i knew and whoever wasn’t at any of those two events sure did receive texts and pics of my date and i. It was embarrassing initially cause this girl!! Why the fuck did she do that!! Lmao, explaining myself to my closest friends was odd bc they were offended i didn’t tell them sooner and i’m just like.. It never came up at all you know. With that said, i have waited to see if i would ever seriously date a woman bc i knew i wanted to but the opportunity never presented itself until recently, and that’s why ya’ll see me out here screaming on rooftops about how gay i am bc i finally get to do that, on my own terms, and bc i love someone soooo so so dearly.

[daughterofanarchangel]

The thoughts of a sixteen year old part one - FRIENDS

On this blog there is AJ Winchester, a fictional character created as an OC in the Supernatural universe, and there is the mod/owner of the blog aka me. And I believe that I haven’t posted on this blog since before the season 12 premiere which makes it ideal for me to just say stuff that I need to say and work out without certian people seeing it before it’s time. So let’s get started.

The first issue is friends. And before I start I want to make it clear that I love my friends and they are some of the greatest most awesomeness people I know. But as everyone should know, everyone has problems and my friends are no expection. And neither am I. I should probably start with myself.

As a young kid I had two really close friends. They are Lara and Sarah M. I use their names because as far as I know they don’t have tumblr and will probably never see this post because of reasons that I will explain later. Lara, Sarah M and I saw each other on a regular basis; we all went to the same church. We’re all the same age with me being the oldest. At our church at the time of my early childhood we were literally the only ones our age; both Lara and Sarah M had older brothers and Sarah M and I both had younger brothers. I guess it was out of nesscessity that we all became friends. And we were really close. I mean for our fifth birthdays we got matching kiddie purses (although mine and Sarah M’s were “from Lara” and Lara’s was from her parents) how much closer could we get? I will admit looking back that I was probably closer to lara than I was Sarah M. Anyway during the summer when I was seven, Lara’s family moved away. I had gone on holiday for Christmas thinking I’d be able to see Lara one last time when I got back. When I got back she had already gone. We never really said a propper goodbye. My friendship with Sarah M soon became nothing. I still see her regularly - it’s hard not to when you both still go to the same church every week and go to the same high school. Lara and I have seen each other since she moved with the latest actually being just under a year ago. Our dads are friends on facebook so I occasionally hear how she’s doing with her rowing. But that was my first real lost with friendship.

In my first two and a half years of primary school (half a year of Year 0, with the other two years being Years 1 and 2) I don’t recall having any real close friends that I kept for long. Our short friendships lastest a few months and strangely enough the two friendships I can remember I now know their grandmothers and one old friend’s grandfather because I play the same sport as them. Towards the end of Year 2 I made a few friendships with people who would later become my friends for the rest of my time at primary.

These were Gemma and Sarah W. Again I was the oldest. At least I was until we became good friends with Jess who was three weeks older than me the year later. Jess and I being in the same class for Year 3 while Sarah W and Gemma were in the same class. We had other people come and go from the group but we were good friends. In Year 4 I was the only one who wasn’t in the same class as everyone else. Year 5 was another repeat. These two years I was alone in class but I knew I had friends who liked me and we remained friends. Year 6 being our final year at Primary, I was finally in a class with all my friends bar one. Our friendship was strong enough that we remained friends despite rarely being in the same class. But it wasn’t perfect. Looking back, Sarah W was abusive. She would often hit us and once she threw an apple at another friend’s head that made the apple split into pieces. I think younger me knew what Sarah W was doing was not right because I remember that she gave me a chinese burn so hard that I yelled at her with tears in my eyes that I no longer wanted to be friends with her because she hurt me for the last time. I didn’t speak to her for a few days but I ended up becoming friends with her again. I don’t remember exactly when this happened, because I try to block as much memories of primary as I can and I also have little memory of this time anyway, but I do remember that one day Sarah W and Gemma told me something that I still find to sting a little today. Let’s get something staright - I’ve never been popular and that hasn’t really bothered me. But it did when Sarah W and Gemma told me that they gave up their popularity to be friends with me back in Year 2. Their comment made me realise how unimportant I was to them as well as how unpopular I knew I was.

I didn’t stay friends with that group. The next two years were Intermediate and they were great compared to Primary. In Year 7 I made a great guy friend who really boasted my confidence. He was also my first lgbt friend. Back then I didn’t even know what lgbt was (i grew up in religious home and my parents never told me about gay people. They also never gave me the birds and the bees talk. Yep that’s right, I had shitty ‘health’ lessions, which literally had one lesson on the sex part of sex ed and all the other lessons about emotions and stuff which is important and all, teach me the birds and the bees in Year 7 at age 12 and even then it wasn’t until Year 9 that I really learnt anything sex ed). And while we remained friends in Year 8, I became better friends with a girl in my class in the year below me whom I still friends with today. I will mention her as Demon in future.

Year 9 was my first year of High School. For the first two terms I was almost basically a loner - I had a guy friend in the year above who sat with me and we watched the first season of Geronimo Stilton on his ipad. Then I become friends with Squirrel. Squirrel and I bonded over our mutal love for Supernatural and Teen Wolf. In Year 10, Demon joined me and Squirrel as friends, with Angel literally joining the group the next day.

We’re all still good friends today. We added Squish and Small to the group last year in Year 11. Then there’s Home. Home is a friend of mine who I’ve been friends with since I was 10. They’re home schooled but know Squirrel, Demon, Angel and Squish because of me. So what I started out with one friend became five, six when you include Home. But I don’t feel like its going to keep like this for 2018.

Angel had a fucked up childhood. Its left her with scars and believe me when I say that it’s still messing with her now three years after she left that toxic environment. As much as I care about them and love them, sometimes they bring me down. They were one third of what I like to call my emotional overload around the time of my practice exams. It’s not their fault that I feel the way I did - it’s mine because I don’t have a good handle on what I’m feeling.

Squrriel has recently opened up about her problems that I should have noticed or at least picked up on a little. They’ve decided to not sit with us this year as they are taking care of themselves because we weren’t there like they were for us. I dont blame them for that decision - we created a toxic environment and to be honest, especially towards the end of Year 11, I always felt that this was going to happen anyway since it seemed back then that they were always sitting with their other group of friends and to be fair that group of friends is a lot more mature (it seems) and less toxic than our group of friends.

Demon. There’s a reason I gave them that name. Demon is a little piece of shit. In light of Squirrel’s confession, they made their own. They admitted that they were a piece of shit, walking the fine line between joke and insult. Having been frends with them for almost four years now, I’ve learnt to take all the insults they give as jokes. At the end of last year I wrote her a four page essay letter about my feelings about some stuff that I needed to say to someone but I couldn’t go to my usual person because they’d asked not to get involved. That was the first time I ever really had a deep and meaningful thing with them.

Then there’s Home. Out of all my friends I’ve known her the longest. But last year in particular I started feeling like we weren’t going to be friends for much longer. There were some things said, written and unsaid (thankfully) between us that really got to me. Although now I feel we’ll continue being friends for a long time, I still have a small scab from that time thatI occasionally pick at.

I don’t have any problems with Squish and Small because we haven’t been friends for all that long.

I’m also a problem. I’m most definitely an introvert - always have been. During breaktimes I generally have something to do like read or scroll tumblr while only listening into my friend’s conversations, and saying a few words here and there. In the group chats or in one-on-one chats I am mostly silent and if I do take part in a conversation I usually end up ignoring notifications because I don’t want to talk.

Some day I hope that I can work out what to do because I don’t want to be truly alone. I’m scared of losing the group of friends that are so important to me and are probably the best group of friends I’ve had to date. I don’t want to lose them but sometimes I wonder why I’m even friends with them

[fantasytigeress]

My DragonBall OCs

For anyone that cares. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail about them, I don’t want to bore you guys. But by all means, if there’s anything you want to know, feel free to ask! I do love talking about them. Characters under the cut: Atoto, Dartz, Arrow, Bullet, Vegeta III, Aruga, Shark, Bow, Penne & Kayl (+5 cubs), Queen Mella, Lord Zero

Atoto: My main OC. Female, full Saiyan, traditional Saiyan black hair and black eyes. I have a couple aus, but she’s almost always a Warlord or a General. She’s not the easiest person to get a long with some days, but she tries to tone it down. She’s not as rough or intense as she was when she was younger. It doesn’t take much to reach her softer traits, even though those can be a bit rough around the edges, too. She's very encouraging (in her own way) as a trainer, and she does enjoy teaching others. She’s stubborn, ambitious, and cunning, and she’s fiercely protective of friends and family. Her biggest weakness is kids, she has a soft spot for them.

Dartz: Atoto’s son, male, typically half-Saiyan (full in Planet Vegeta AUs), black hair and black eyes. His mama trained him well on the battlefield... but not in the field of love. Give him someone to punch? He’s got this. Give him a cute boy with a nice smile? He forgets how to function. He’s gay, which would normally ostracize him from his family for a few different reasons, but they’re all a bunch of saps that make it hard not to feel loved.

Arrow: Atoto’s daughter, female,  typically half-Saiyan (full in Planet Vegeta AUs), black hair and black eyes. Her and Dartz are twins, and she’s the older one. Like all good older siblings, she teases him for it. But they really work flawlessly as a team, and she’s her brother’s best wingman. She’s level-headed, but easily excitable. Her family is the most important thing to her.

Bullet: Atoto’s childhood friend/first husband and father of Dartz and Arrow (in Canon-divergent AUs), male, full Human, Blond hair and green eyes. His family is very involved in the military, but also worked with the Galactic Patrol. Because of that is how his father found Atoto when she landed on Earth. They grew up together, and he’s the one that taught her how to accept “human” emotions instead of scoffing at them and shoving them down. Some of it directly, but a lot of it indirectly. He’s very optimistic, friendly, and has become quite patient over the years after having to put up with Atoto. He’s currently deceased in the story, and possibly not going to be revived. I haven’t decided yet.

Vegeta III (Dubbed ‘Geta Jr. by Goku): Is Vegeta’s first full-blooded Saiyan child and the other parent varies on AU. So far they’ve been Goku, Android 18 (obv. not full Saiyan here), and Atoto don’t judge me. He’s always a baby when I write him, I haven’t thought much on when he grows up. But he’s always born already in Super Saiyan mode, and ends up almost killing his birth parent during birth. He doesn’t transform again after that, he just keeps everyone on their toes. He doesn’t know how to transform at will either. The only other time he demonstrates his power is when he makes force fields. It’s the only thing he know how to make, or at least they think, because he hasn’t tried to do anything else. His favorite place to be is on one of his parent’s shoulders.

Aruga: Atoto’s chilhood friend/teammate on Planet Vegeta, full Saiyan, female, traditional black hair and black eyes. Her personality is a bit more Saiyan-like. She can be quite brash, sometimes rushing in before she’s thought anything out. She thinks Atoto’s gone soft, but Aruga has a deep attachment to her old friend, and just lets it all slide. Aruga’s starting to get soft herself... She has died in some AUs, but is typically revived eventually.

Shark: Their closest ally on Namek, agender, Namekian, typical green but with orange. When he was a child Atoto saved him during her first time on Namek. Since then, her and her family have had a strong friendship with the Namekians. They’ve only been on the planet a handful of times, but he’s always really excited when they come to visit. Shark told Atoto he’d make his own Dragon Balls for the new Planet Vegeta as payment for saving his life. Atoto doesn’t see a need for them, but he’s insistent, so she accepts the offer none the less.

Bow: Majin Buu’s daughter, female, Majin, her color is much darker and more muted than Buu’s but still pink. I went with Xenoverse’s explaination of how Majin Buu reproduces: he eats a lot until he multiplies (or something like that idk). She’s also always a baby when I write her. She doesn’t have any real powers or anything yet, right now she’s just an excuse for a cute baby Majin that Mr. Satan can spoil.

Penne & Kayl (+5 cubs): Kayl is a Saiyan, he was off world when the planet was destroyed. When he heard about it, he searched for a place to keep his head down from Frieza. He landed on Planet Patsa, home to the Vixyan race. Penne, took him in, they eventually settled down, and they lived a long time in peace. They had a litter of half Saiyan/Vixyan cubs: Rigati, Lasana, Ziti, Falle, and Torti (picture Saiyans just with leopard spots). They only come in to the story when someone is hunting the surviving Saiyans. Planet Patsa gets destroyed, and Kayl and his family take refuge on Earth. They’re minor characters, but I wanted to bring up the Vixyan race, so here they are. Queen Mella: One of Atoto’s former lovers, female, Bokarian, Red skin w/ orange hair and yellow eyes. She’s queen of the Bokar race, another warrior race, but they don’t have a transformation like the Saiyans’ Oozaru form. I haven’t decided if they’ll have a transformation like the Super Saiyan though. They’re all female, and they’re average six to seven feet tall, but Mella is around nine. They have bullwhip-like tails, colors are widely variant, and they’re typically quite muscular (let me be honest, Mella is built like a brick sh** house. Buff lady \o/). She’s confident, many times to the point of arrogance, but she’s passionate about her people, and her rule has been a fruitful one. Atoto met her on a mission to her planet, and the Bokarian are now one of her strongest allies. After Bullet died, Mella and Atoto had a brief fling during her stay on the planet. Mella was more than willing to take it further, but they never did.

Lord Zero: An old enemy that became essentially their strongest ally, agender, Frost Demon (Frieza race), teal skin w/ white bio-armor and red bulbs. He hates Frieza and the Cold Family with a burning passion. He was never able to defeat Frieza, but after hearing of his death, Zero jumps in to scavenge some of the broken Frieza Force. He ends up turning the entire Southern quadrant of the universe into his new empire, but doesn’t expand further. His intentions are to do better than Frieza, to help his subjects and win them over with compassion. But his hatred for his former better and his lust for vengeance has caused him to take it out on them instead. After he discovered a rebellion had been formed and almost carried out, he realized he’d become exactly like the person he hated.

Honorable mentions: Skallion & Beeta (Atoto’s birth parents, but she never knew them), Nisha (A very prissy princess that Atoto trained), Ringor (Also trained by Atoto a long time ago, is now one of their most trusted allies), Sissani (Lord Zero’s wife, she’s not a Frost Demon)

There’s a few more extra characters I could talk about, but these are all of the main ones. If any of you made it this far, thanks for being so interested in my babies! I’m open to anything more you want to know, I love talking about them. Or even hit me up to tell me about YOUR ocs? I love talking about those too.