#I love that she wasn't angry she had nothing but mad respect for his dysfunctional alcoholic prowess

[askfordoodles]

Ok but Blitzø actually beat the literal party girl Queen of Gluttony at her own game...

What a madlad, you gotta respect that power.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

digging up bones

I guess if I'm up and already in a bad mood about it

might as well go through some of the thoughts

I was thinking about unearthing later on today

maybe it'll exhaust me and I can go back to sleep

my mood can't get worse and there is no dopamine

anywhere to be found because I've exhausted all sources

let's talk about why I don't want to get a therapist

by collecting quotes from experiences from the past

I had one who decided to laugh in my face about

my love for Jung and my thinking I was autistic

his ego couldn't handle my knowing shit about myself

and other things he couldn't quite grasp

once during a conversation about my childhood sexual abuse

he actually said to me with no sense of his depravity

"no wonder they couldn't resist you"

what the actual fuck my dude I was a child

he stopped seeing me when I turned the tables on him

and got him to confess all the things he used to do

when he was a dangerous guy just like his father

by mimicking his behavior and following his patterns

kind of seems like that pattern recognition and masking

should have rang a few bells but he didn't want to believe it

he told me my feminine energy was weaker than his male energy

but he sterilized himself like a gelding because he feared

bringing another kid into the world that felt

as fucked up as he did every day

I guess I'm still kind of mad at him

I think he might have been one of the first people I trusted

with all those dirty little secrets I was forced to hold since I was born

I didn't plan to become the therapist and hear his story

I was just following the rhythm of the conversation

but once he lost the power he felt he didn't want to look me

again in the eyes and it was confusing

because nothing he said was even that bad

my most recent therapy experience was marriage counseling

I knew that was going to be a fucking joke

and I was so used to being silenced by the man in the room

that I exploded out in a monologue of trauma dumping

desperate to be seen as someone who was tough and dealt with shit

far worse than the lanky bastard sitting next to me

who wouldn't let me have emotions without trying

to smother me under every avoidant wall of stone

ugh, I do not want to be awake and I'm so angry

and not even fun arson angry just petulant and mean

I did end that therapy experience with a three page letter

I wrote about all the reasons I was completely

over my doomed marriage and the man involved in it

and all the reasons he wasn't shit

but written eloquently and logically

because I'd had plenty of time to prepare

It was fun having an audience and his surprised pikachu face

will always be one that I remember fondly

fuck you asshole you know what you've been doing

the female therapist I went to the year before

to tell about the patterns of abusive behavior I'd documented

and the reasons I had for needing to leave the dysfunction

was met by a woman the age of my mother

who must have saw a silly daughter making a mistake

because she asked if psychological abuse was his only sin

and told me successful men were hard to find

I had fun the rest of the sessions talking about how

out of all the religious texts I read the bible was the most dry

and boring and I just wish I could get into it

and all the crosses and scriptures she had around her office

and the way her face pinched when I said those things

really made it difficult for us to synch up after that

to be fair I was always willing to make it work

I did have one therapist that was the best

her name was Elise and it scares me to think of calling her

I wonder if it's because of the unpaid account

or the fear of rejection or knowing I get to tell her

how everything went to shit after I came into her office

with my youngest as a baby and a glowing happiness

to my presence because I thought I finally

found something that I ended up losing as time went on

well, saying that I lost it is not very accurate

you don't lose someone's respect

they decide to stop giving it to you

and I have a difficult time tolerating that in relationships

I will blind myself for awhile but there does come a point

where something clicks and suddenly I'm on fire

because I'll be damned and choose damnation

before I let a little bitch boy like that make me die

it would be so fucking easy to make him cry

well, this little think piece shows I definitely need a therapist

and I guess getting those shitty thoughts out is one less thing

I have to muddle through tomorrow to find motivation

I'll call Elise and see if I have problems to solve

to get to go back and see her

she saw me and knew me right away

and she helped me get through a situation

that I'm going to have to walk through again

and she was great at it last time

fuuuuuuck this all sucks and I hate it

custody battles and shitty apartments and lawyers

building another new life and climbing out of another grave

it could be worse

I could be as scared as I was last time when I did it

I'm not scared I just know it's going to suck

Elise was the first one to coin the term "the Dani filter"

to describe the way I mask in my bubbly upbeat way

I wonder what she'll think of me now if we get to meet again

I think she'll appreciate my darker wit and my cynical smile

she knew how my mind worked right away

and said that I changed her mind completely

about behavior theory because I guess

when I decide to do or become something

and actually commit to it I surprised her with how

I can change my behavior and patterns on a dime

and never go back to them

you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

alright now I feel like I did something

so my mood is less angsty and I have a move to make

still not tired but maybe that'll come soon

call Elise tomorrow and if that doesn't pan out

it's back to the drawing board

but I'll find someone and it'll be fine

and if it's not I'll find someone else

I am getting the fuck out of this stagnant energy

otherwise I'm going to start getting destructive

and that helps nobody

especially not me