#I love reblogging this with the most recent bad decision maker

[darke15]

Saw ur reblog of writers wanting to talk about their writing and I totally agree! If you want, please use this to tell me what u really liked about any of your stories that went over peoples heads or just something you really enjoyed writing. I love hearing about what little bits connect together that I never realised and what the writer thinks about when writing :))

Ahhhhhhhhh a little behind the scenes action, eh? Yes! Okay, let's go!

First off, I just wanna say, I love chatting with y'all about the BS:U it gives me the best worst ideas and I love to know y'all's reactions and what y'all liked cuz then I can write more of it 😉

Second, I'm sorry for taking so long to answer this, I was really excited when I got it and I had to choose between answering or writing TS&TS and then I realized that I've been working on this project for so long, I can't remember all my little easter eggs soooooo....

There are a few things I'm still waiting for one of y'all to pick up on (or at least tell me you caught), so I'm not gonna tell you which chapter everything is in.

Also this is in no particular order:

The most recent was a very brief call to to Thor: Ragnarok in Ch67, Jack calls Wraith movements 'freaky circles' which is a slight ref to Korg in Ragnarok.

Wraith was also kinda an accident...tho, don't tell him that, he'll get mad. I'd been going back and forth on him for a long time before he showed up the first time and then I decided to bring him into the fold.

Originally I was going to have one of two things happen:

1: They all died in the ambush and stayed dead 2: Or, they all faked their death and came back to haunt Ghost in the present as a Hydra!Team and there would be a massive fight between Cap's Quintet (see what i did there) and the Hydra!Alpha team.

Aftermath was supposed to be destroyed with Weston but I fell in love with Boone and Duke so I decided they'd help it carry on

The original Alpha 2 looked completely different than the one we have now

When I was creating the Senator, I kept his name secret because I was flipping back and forth between Turner being the Senator and Commander Weston being the Senator. The ultimate decision-maker was that first flashback in BS:A and when I decided that Turner was married. I didn't want to tear apart another family 😬

On that note, Nea and Nia (& Babar) are probably my fave characters right now

There was a reference to Nomad, one of Steve Roger's comic book monikers

It's not secret that Boone Cavanaugh and her family love black and white movies or that I based Boone's looks slightly off of Lauren Bacall. That being said, Boone quotes the movie Casablanca twice in BS:A

The museum scene in Prague was based off of Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol and Quantum of Solace

Olympus was originally supposed to be located further north but I wanted it to be located in the same state that Turner was from and he's from New Orleans sooooo.....oops

The van scene in 7T7K was based off of a scene from Jack Reacher

All of The Red Room chapter titles are the names of James Bond films and their opening quotes are quotes from their respective movies

The Red Room is also my favorite work, I'm really proud of how it came out and how quickly I was able to get it out. I'm just super proud of it.

I was originally going to have Novak have a bigger role in The Red Room but ultimately decided to keep it closer to Black Widow and more about Natasha.

In S1 of The Soldier & The Spy when Dimitri says he 'knew a spy once' that was supposed to be just a little easter egg but spun out of control when I wrote TRR

I also feel really bad about killing off Dimitri

Rook was based off of Rami Malek's portrayal as Lyutsifer Safin in No Time to Die.

We were supposed to only get like 5 flashback chapters but I got too attached to Alpha 1

I am v proud of my 'branding'. My headers/gifs are my fave thing to do before posting a chapter

Delphine was based off of Sofia Boutella's protrayal of Delphine Laselle in my comfort movie, Atomic Blonde. Manette was based off of Monica Bellucci in Spectre

I was gonna cap TS&TS at one season but now I'll be doing three

I was going to have an Odin cameo in TRR because Dimitri was at the same home he was in butttt....I forgot about him and no one misses him anyway. But, just for those that wanna know, Dimitri didn't like Odin. He may have even chucked a paintbrush at him once or twice...maybe like five times

I think that's all I got for now...well...that's all I can tell you for now

[protectwoc]

why all reylos are racist

y’all can go ahead and cancel me now because some of you are not going to like what i have to say and i am completely okay with that.

this recent gq interview with john boyega has incensed me. hearing all the things he went through, from disney and from “fans” and with no support from anyone… i’m livid. sometimes when i think about it for too long i start shaking, i’m so furious. and the response from the reylo fandom has infuriated me to a degree i honestly didn’t know was possible.

some of you may have seen my recent tumblr rampage. it’s reylo bullying hours here on my blog, and i’m not sorry either. one person threatened to post screenshots of my comments, which like… okay? i know what the fuck i said, it wasn’t that long ago. in fact i was going to include the screenshots in this post right here, but they blocked me before i had the chance. sorry. i’m sure somebody has them. anyway…

over the past two days in the star wars fandom we have seen something unprecedented: an outpouring of support for john boyega. both reylos and anti-reylos have joined forces to voice support for john in the wake of the gq interview (and the blm protests, let’s be real, some of y’all would not have given half a fuck if it wasn’t suddenly cool to be antiracist). and this showing of unity is one of the most rage-inducing things i’ve ever seen in a fandom (which is saying something; i have seen some shit).

reylo fandom, full offense intended, but where the fuck do you get off? you’re supporting john now? where was this support when tfa came out and you couldn’t stand the thought of him next to your white-girl-self-insert? where was it when tlj came out and your boy ryan completely sidelined him? where was it earlier this fucking year when y’all twisted a harmless joke (like yall haven’t spent years writing reylo-throne-room-sex-meta BULLSHIT) and ignored the vile racist shit coming from your own fav’s mouth? but you’re supporting him now? now that being antiracist is trendy? fuck outta here with that bullshit.

your fandom is the reason for the vast majority of the absolutely subhuman treatment john has endured over the last few years. your fandom influenced ryan (yes i know what his name is) to write tlj the way he did, you have behaved indefensibly here on tumblr.hell writing and drawing and fantasizing about all sorts of racist bullshit, and y’all have STAYED in his twitter mentions spewing hatred seven ways to sunday. but NOW, without a shred of self-reflection, you’re supporting him? now his experiences are valid?

the way that your fandom refuses to take accountability for its actions makes me see red. y’all stay on some ��not all reylos” nonsense and i am SICK OF IT. i’m only gonna say this once, and i want you to hear me: you cannot be a reylo and be “antiracist”. you cannot participate in a fandom that has behaved the way yours has and say “blm, uwu acab.” you can’t. like do you think black people are dumb? that we can’t see right through you? we can.

“but rae,” i hear you whining. “you’re gonna say just because i like two characters together i’m a racist?” and of course not. that would be ludicrous. i think just because you knowingly engage and participate in a fandom that has racism encoded in its dna, you’re a racist. i think because y’all are in bed with racist harassers, racist trolls, and racist content creators, you’re a racist. that’s what the fuck i think. y’all lost the right to “it’s just a ship” me the instant you dragged john boyega into this.

here’s an example: i watched tfa about three days after it came out. i watched the first half, saw the obvious relationship set up between finn and rey, and thought, “aw, cute.” then i watched kylo and rey fight, watch him offer to teach her, and thought, “... interesting.”

when i got home i checked tumblr for finnrey content, saw the outpouring of love from black fans, all the cute fanart and fics blooming, and smiled. then, slowly, guiltily, i searched “reylo.”

BOOM. racism. the things i saw in the tag that night are tattooed on my brain. reylos rejoicing about the obvious rey/kyle pairing because “sw would never put her with that monkey finn”. calling him an “oaf”, “useless”, “bumbling”, “stupid”. reylos joking about how “when they talked about the Dark side, [they] didn’t think they meant that kind of dark.” “woke” reylos pretending to ship stormpilot in an obvious ploy to get finn away from kylo. and in between all of that, cute ship art. fun fics. talented gif makers. and nobody saying shit about the reprehensible behavior going on in their tag.

reylo is built on a foundation of racism. from that first week, racism has been woven into the fabric of your fandom, and it’s been going unchecked. and i don’t mean calling out other reylos. that’s not enough. i mean taking actual steps. y’all have been sitting in a cesspool of racism for five years, and its time for you to get the fuck out or shut the fuck up about being an “ally”. y’all need to leave this fandom.

don’t agree? here’s another story. in 2017, when i still watched supergirl (before i grew taste) i shipped karamel. for those of you who don’t know, karamel is the ship of kara zor-el (supergirl) and mon-el, her second love interest. when supergirl was moved to the cw for its second season, the decision was made to abruptly end her romance with jimmy olsen, played by mecahd brooks (a black man) and replace him with mon-el, played by chris wood, a white man, who was revealed to be, among other things, an alien slaveowner, as well as a playboy and all-around terrible person. and i shipped them. look, i’m not defending myself, but i never really bought the chemistry between jimmy and kara. even though mon-el’s introduction and the way that they carelessly disregarded kara’s feelings for jimmy made me uncomfortable, i thought the way melissa played her attraction to chris wood was more believable (and again, i’m not defending myself, but they are now married so it’s not like i was wrong). so i shipped them. simple as that, right?

well, no. not really. because the inherent racism in the way the writers wrote out her admittedly sweet romance with a black man in favor of a white slaveowner jerk kept bothering me. and finally i decided that it made me too uncomfortable to participate in. i never really reblogged any karamel fandom stuff, but i completely divorced myself from the fandom. i stopped reading karamel fic, and i switched to reblogging exclusively jimmy/kara content until the fandom died out/i stopped watching. i made a choice that real life racism is more important to me than a fucking fandom or a ship, and then i acted accordingly. simple as that.

and i’m not saying you have to stop liking the reylo dynamic. i still like the chemistry between kara and mon-el. i’ve shipped problematic ships before (bamon comes to mind) and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with that (to a point). but there’s a difference between liking a ship dynamic and engaging and contributing to a fan culture of racism. you have to stop participating in the fandom. y’all are in bed with people indistinguishable from confederate-flag-waving-all-lives-matter-touting racists and you don’t feel the need to get out of that environment? there comes a certain point where you have to decide if fandom bullshit is more important to you than fighting racism, and unfortunately, reylos have chosen wrong. that, ladies and gentlemen, is why all reylos are racist, regardless of what they say. roll credits.

except i have more to say, so i’m gonna say it. first of all, i’m not trying to hold myself up as some kind of paragon of virtue. i’m not holier-than-thou because all my ships are “woke” or whatever. chemistry is subjective, and we’re all going to be attracted to different ship dynamics, and there’s nothing wrong with that in theory. what matters is the execution. i finally had to say one day, “you know, this ship and the racist baggage it carries is actually less important to me than battling systemic racism on every level, including the fandom level”. y’all thought being antiracist was gonna be easy? that you wouldn’t have to make some actual changes, to make some actual sacrifices? sorry not sorry to disappoint. and if i, a normal-ass person with flaws and problematic thinking that i’m still dealing with and the whole ine yards, can make that decision, then other people should be required to as well.

(what really irks me is that the karamel fandom wasn’t even really that bad! i definitely could have gotten away with being a karamel stan in 2017. thankfully the supercat and supercorp shippers were doing the lord’s work and bullying them into submission (don’t think i’m letting y’all off the hook either, y’all have got some racism to deal with as well but that’s an essay for another day) but like most of the racism happened at the writing level; the fandom itself wasn’t engaging in racist clownery on the regular. but like the reylos are. y’all see racist bullshit coming from your neighbor, fav fic writer, artist, gif maker, whatever, and don’t say shit? don’t feel the need to distance yourself from them? gtfoh.)

i made this argument earlier when i was on my rampage (which i’m still on btw so don’t clown in my inbox, you will get your shit rocked) but i’m going to make it again because i feel like its important to note. when i pointed out that existing in the reylo fandom while you are aware of its racism makes you complicit in that racism, a white reylo told me earlier that (paraphrasing, my memory’s not as good as it used to be and i did mention that they’d blocked me) “you don’t solve a problem like systemic racism by ignoring it. leaving the fandom would be allowing it to happen.” when i pointed out that that’s police officer rhetoric almost verbatim, she (a white reylo) admonished me (a black woman) not to compare police brutality to a “ship war.” lmao.

look, clearly y’all need a refresher on what “systemic” means. it means, quite simply, that there are systems, large and small, allow for racism to exist, and it also means that allowing for racism to exist on the small scale means expecting it on a large one. like you think police officers spring fully formed from the head with racist ideals already ingrained? no! they learn it and learn to justify it with “well just because my friend made a racist joke doesn’t make me a racist” and “just because i laughed at my friend’s using a racist term in my video game doesn’t make me a racist” and “just because my friend is a racist doesn’t mean i’m a racist” and then we have people watching their coworkers kneel on a man’s back for 8 minutes with no remorse. i’m not gonna solve police brutality by fighting reylos on tumblr, but fandom racism is real racism with consequences on our world, and i don’t tolerate ANY type of racism. and the fact that you are so willing to not just tolerate it but justify it should say something to you.

and not all reylos are like this. similar to cops, good reylos don’t last. i have seen people grow so disgusted by the racism in the reylo fandom that they publicly turned their backs on it, and those reylos i respect. you’ve heard of “the only good cop is an ex-cop” well get ready for “the only good reylo is an ex-reylo”.

(and also like far be it from me to justify a cop but one could at least say they have their livelihoods to think about (not like they couldn’t just pick a nonmurderous profession but i digress) but you reylos can’t even choose between taking a stance against the hateful and unjustified bullying of a man who had the audacity to… get a job (?)... over a ship? come on now.)

the point of all this is, for all their posturing about “being antiracist” and “fuck 12” and “support john boyega”, reylos have decided that a relationship between two fictional people is more important than all the black and brown people who are hurt by that decision and the consequences of that decision. and before y’all pull some “b-but there are POC reylos!” (stop fucking using poc as an adjective, its a noun, it stands for person of color, please use it as such) internalized racism is a thing. busting out your token “reylo of color” (see how easy that was?) is not going to change my mind. all reylos are complicit in the racism of their peers, and being complicit makes you culpable. full stop.

and that is why the public support of john boyega from the reylo fandom has me seeing red. renounce your fandom or keep that man’s name out of your mouth. anyway, this was long and ranty and entirely stream-of-consciousness and i’m refusing to edit it so it’s probably completely incomprehensible to anyone besides me but if you made it this far thanks for reading ig. all reylos are racist, blm, fuck 12, acab, stan john boyega, don’t clown in my inbox unless you’re coming to bully me for being a karamel shipper, which i deserve (or do, i couldn’t give less of a fuck). good night.

[izzy-b-hands]

What Works

A fic I’ve been meaning to get posted for a few days now; finally getting that done!

Brian May/Jamie Moses, and the conflict of being both musical rivals (and also sort of dating but not exactly that and they’re figuring it out so that it works for them is the important thing.) 

Smut in this one, so NSFW!

My love to all who read/like/reblog!

It was perfectly fine. Plenty of people would handle having a musical rival this way. 

"They would not," Roger scoffed. "Handle it by essentially dating their rival." 

"It isn't dating!" Brian stressed, and fussed with his curls. "We've only fucked."

"Mhm. Multiple times, multiple places, and usually with coffee or a movie involved..." Freddie said it evenly, but his smile revealed his teasing. 

"Fucking in the restroom of a book store after you happen to meet up with them is not a date!" Brian sighed. That had been the most recent encounter, in the nearly empty bookstore, late in the day, with Jamie bending him over an unopened box of cleaning supplies, knees of his trousers being worn down on the likely disgusting tile-

"Bri, come back to us," Freddie snapped his fingers. "You're dreamy-eyed over him, look at you! I don't like this anymore than you do, but you clearly like him-"

"I do not!" Brian shouted, then paused. "Sorry."

"He doth protest too much," John murmured. "Just date him for a month, get it out of your system, then you can go back to hating him and the rest of Merlin like we all do."

"Hate is a strong word," Freddie noted. "More of a frustration in the comparison of us to them, is what it is."

"Fucking Melody Maker," Roger grumbled. "They just had to put it out there. Fuckers."

Freddie patted comfortingly at Roger's arm. "I know. But Brian...maybe John has a point. We've all had our little flings, er. Well, not so much John, but still. Maybe if you dated him for a bit-"

Brian waved the suggestion away. "I'm not doing that."

"Sounds like you already are," John said. "Where's tonight's date?"

"He said he might be at the record shop later-ah, hey!"

"That's a nice spot for it," Roger said. "Hate fucking and a date."

Brian just shook his head. It was not a date.

---

"Dinner?" 

Jamie's voice was ragged, distorted slightly by the tight walls of the record shop's back room. 

"What?" Brian's hand slowed in its stroking of Jamie's cock. "What do you mean, dinner?"

"Food?" Jamie frowned, and leaned in to peck a kiss on Brian's lips. "You know, what I'm sure you haven't eaten enough of yet today."

Brian let his head drop into Jamie's shoulder, and moved his hand again, his hips shuddering as Jamie's hand did the same at his cock. 

"You good?" 

"Yeah," Brian mumbled. "Maybe we should stop talking." 

"Thought it was just my guitar playing you didn't want to hear," Jamie laughed. "Now I can't even talk?"

"Stop it," Brian spat as he lifted his head, and it came out harsher than he meant it. "This... you're making this into something else. And I know you don't want it."

Jamie used his free hand to snag Brian by the chin, holding him so he was forced to meet his eyes. "How do you know so well what I want?"

"I-"

"If you don't want 'something else'," Jamie said, his hand moving faster to match the twitching of Brian's hips. "That's fine. But, I have to tell you something. I think maybe you do want 'something else'."

He paused for a moment. "And maybe I do too. And I think we both keep pushing it away, because this is easier. We can keep hating each other's bands for being so damn successful, and we can hate each other's music, and fuck whenever we meet up."

He laughed as Brian came, and lifted his hand to lick the come off of it. "But we can't quite seem to hate each other directly, can we?"

Brian yanked his chin from Jamie's grasp and lunged forward to kiss him, stroking hard at his cock until he felt Jamie's come splatter his hand.

"So that's a no then," Jamie smirked. "Anyway...dinner?"

---

"It isn't a bad thing," Freddie soothed. "Please calm down."

"It's the worst thing," Brian muttered. "Rog and Deaky can never know."

"Stop," Freddie sighed. "So they'll tease you about it for a day, so what? If you're happy-"

"He, and his band, could put our doing well at risk," Brian interrupted. "That's more important than my happiness!"

Freddie nodded knowingly. "You do really like him."

Brian blushed. "I called you over to help me."

"And be an agony aunt, I know," Freddie said. "And I am doing that. But the only thing that can help you is making a decision. You either want him in more than random hook ups with no other activities involved, damn any other consequences of that, or you don't. I can't make that decision for you, you know that."

"I hate that you're right," Brian mumbled. "I hate that I don't hate him. Just his band and his music."

"Y'know, you could just keep it casual, even if you go beyond fucking in random restrooms while out shopping together," Freddie said. "Not like you have to spend forever with him. And maybe he'd be fine with that too. A little something, that you both keep until it no longer suits you. Are you meeting up with him again?"

"Dinner, tomorrow night."

"Where?"

"Here," Brian said, and gestured to the small dining table near them in his flat.

Freddie's brow shot up, but only for a second. "Ah. Well, no better time to talk and bring it up then. You'll stop torturing yourself over it, and depending on how it turns out, I'll either come back in another day or two with champagne or an entire dinner."

"Am I that predictable, with food?" Brian scoffed. "I eat when I'm sad or upset."

"Yeah, after you've been sat there with a grumbling stomach for hours on end," Freddie said. "But here's to hoping it goes well."

---

"This is nice," Jamie sighed, setting his empty plate on the coffee table. "Not a bad place you've got."

"The heat even works on occasion," Brian joked. 

"I can help with the heat," Jamie smirked, and stripped off his shirt before Brian could so much as blink. 

"We need to talk," Brian stammered, nearly dropping his plate in his rush to set it on the table.

"I can do that like this," Jamie smiled. "Or is too distracting?" 

"I think I can manage," Brian replied. "You talked about us wanting something else out of this. I've been thinking about that."

"All that since last night? Then you haven't slept," Jamie teased.

"You barely know me beyond what books I read, records I like, and what makes me come," Brian snapped. "Is it that obvious that occasionally I spend all night worrying?"

"...honestly, yeah," Jamie giggled. "Sorry, Brian, but it is. But that's how all of you seem, in Queen. Bunch of prancing worry warts, that you'd think too busy fussing to know how to play, until you actually hear you, of course, and-"

"Does this work for you?" Brian interrupted. "Us...like this? Not exactly hating each other, something like dating but not exactly because I'm not letting anyone else know about this except the band, and normally other people know who you're dating-"

"Brian," Jamie sighed. "Breathe. And yeah, it does. If it works for you."

"Right now, at least, I think it does," Brian said. "If it means we can fuck in an actual bed more often, then it's a definite yes."

Jamie laughed. "It means that. Or I'm fine with it meaning that, I suppose. We can take turns, yours or mine. And occasionally the record shop again, if we feel like it. Doesn't have to be anything more than this. Meet up, have dinner or something, fuck, hang out for a bit if we like, then go our happy ways."

Brian nodded. It was like a weight was lifted off of him. It had been that easy. 

"Speaking of the fucking," Jamie cleared his throat. "Shall I help you off with all that, or..."

"Honestly, I'm not sure I'm up for anything too intense," Brian winced. "I really didn't sleep last night."

"And we were given hands and mouths for that reason," Jamie grinned. "Other reasons too, but those aren't important right now. What's important to me is that we get you into bed, get each other off, and then you can sleep."

"And you'll..." Brian hesitated. Asking him not to leave right after fucking felt like pushing the line they'd just set. But then again, they got to move the line as they wished and agreed upon it.

"Stay," Jamie said nonchalantly. "I bet your bed is comfy, and I bet you are too. Been wondering what it might be like to spend the night with you; no better time than now to find out."

Brian smiled. "Good. I mean, that's cool, I'm good with that."

"I know you are," Jamie teased, and stood up, reaching for Brian's hand. "Show me to the bed then, before you fall asleep on me. I want us both  to get off at least once before that."

"Need it that badly?" Brian smirked, unable to resist getting in his own teasing. 

"Maybe I do," Jamie replied, pulling him off the couch by the hand and tugging him in close for a kiss. "Maybe I need it so badly I barely slept last night too."

"Oh yeah?" Brian asked as he led Jamie down the hall. "What kept you so busy then?"

He stripped off his clothes and flopped back on his bed, giggling as Jamie finished undressing and settled onto his lap. 

"My hand on my cock," Jamie replied matter-of-factly. "Thinking about how I'd rather have your mouth or hands on it. Or have it buried in your ass, you fucking me like it's all you want."

"And right now, what would you like most out of all of those?"

"Any, all, whatever you want too," Jamie said. "I'm happy with anything so long as you're touching me."

He wanted to be mindful of the neighbors and the thinness of the walls, but better were the sounds Jamie made as Brian flipped them over and let his lips linger on Jamie's skin, his hands reaching every spot he knew Jamie liked touched most. 

"Sure you don't have any preference on what we do?" Brian asked. "Because I'd love to get your cock in my mouth, if you don't mind."

"You're too fucking polite," Jamie laughed. "Yeah, I'd like that."

Jamie's teasing came to an abrupt halt as Brian kissed his way down Jamie's body, taking his cock into his mouth with a happy sigh. 

"You've no right to look that pretty while doing that," Jamie finally murmured a few moments later. "Can I touch the curls, or will you whip me?"

Brian let Jamie's cock fall from his mouth and smiled sweetly. "Only if you take a turn and whip me too."

Jamie blushed and shook his head. "Full of surprises, aren't you? Sure, we could take turns with that."

"Promise?" Brian said before taking down Jamie's cock again. 

It wasn't always his favourite thing to do in bed, but there was something particularly fantastic about being able to make Jamie fall apart so easily with it. He couldn't distract him or make him fall to pieces onstage, but he could do it here, at least. 

Also notable, it didn't take long to get Jamie off with a blowjob either. 

"Brian?" Jamie's voice had jumped up an octave, and he tapped insistently at Brian's shoulder. 

He knew what it meant. But he didn't mind that tonight. Swallowing was worth it, to look up and see Jamie's eyes go wide before his head dropped back and he dissolved into moans. 

"That enough to help you sleep?" Brian asked as he crawled back up the bed and lounged by Jamie's side.

"Yeah, but you're the one that really needs the sleep," Jamie said, sitting up on his elbows. "Lay back, let me at you."

"Very romantic," Brian teased. "And you haven't even tried to whip me like you promised."

"Another night," Jamie smiled. "After we've both gotten decent sleep." 

Brian let a hand rest in Jamie's hair after getting an approving nod from him, and relaxed under him. Jamie's lips and tongue were on his cock, everything had turned out fine, and he'd even be there in the morning without needing any extra commitment. Perfect.

He had let his eyes close, but opened them as Jamie paused. 

"All good?"

Jamie nodded. "Yeah. Just thinking about how I don't know if I've ever seen you his relaxed. You ought to try this look onstage. If you can manage it."

There was a beat before they both broke into giggles. 

"Sorry, I'll get back to it," Jamie mumbled. "Couldn't resist. We might be doing whatever this is now, but I've still got to be an asshole to you sometimes."

"That's the way I like you," Brian smiled. "That, and like this."

He had no idea if Jamie just had a natural talent for sucking cock, or if it was a practiced skill, but frankly, he didn't care. It hardly mattered when his cock was in Jamie's mouth, Jamie's hands toying with his balls and trailing softly at the inside of his thighs.

It might have been the release of stress, Jamie's skill, or a combination of it all, but it took little time before he was tapping at Jamie's shoulder, his cock pulsing against Jamie's lips. 

"I don't know about the rest of you," Jamie sighed as he wiped at his mouth and moved back up the bed, snuggling against Brian. "But I do know I love your cock. If I'd gotten to that before knowing you were in Queen, we might never have had a rivalry."

"That's not true, and you know it," Brian chuckled. "We'd have seen each other play and immediately been at each other's throats."

"In a sexy way or an angry way?"

"Yeah," Brian smiled, and failed to fight back a yawn. 

"Good," Jamie said. "Sleep. I'll be here in the morning, I promise. When we'll find out, I'm sure, that we don't even like the same things for breakfast."

"Looking forward to it," Brian murmured and reached down to the basket on the floor that held extra blankets, tossing one up and over them haphazardly. 

But Jamie hardly noticed. His eyes were already closed, his head on Brian's chest, curled up close to leech heat from him. Like the most adorable bastard Brian had ever seen. 

[saltykong]

Hello All! ❁ I hope you have been well and that you have been staying safe~ This is going to be one LONG message, but I hope it reaches you ♥

I started this Tumblr blog in the height of my struggles in life. Not knowing what I wanted to do, failing at what I thought I was meant to do, and even finding myself becoming more lonesome with no way out. That is when KPOP came in. I think it’s safe to say many of us came to KPOP whether we were in a similar internal struggle or even wanted to escape to something that sounded and felt new to what we knew growing up. That is exactly what it was for me. KPOP was used as a means of escape from the troubles I was having. Through those troubles, I met VIXX. These six boys, having a sound like no other. Their concepts, instrumentals, outfits, all of it was always heavily in-tune with their theme, creating some of the most amazing discography, music videos and stages I have ever seen. VIXX aren’t concept kings for nothing. In that, my bias became Hongbin. A sassy, and sometimes blunt but well-meaning individual that was, unfortunately, often ignored by his company on his musical talents. Instead he was placed in the box of, “visuals.” This isn’t a bad thing but to him, he wanted to be more than just a “face.” He was also the least popular and most ignored member when I joined the fandom. But he didn’t let this stop him and continually pushed to be seen. It was this determination and drive that I wanted to support. Hongbin was the underdog and in my own struggles, I wanted to be one too. I created what can jokingly be called a “shrine” to my comfort kpop boy. I wanted him to be seen more by the fandom in someway and so I picked up learning to make gifs, understanding Photoshop, and even learning basic HTML. In fact, because of this blog, I found a love and passion for web development and coding. It was something I liked to do, even if I wasn’t that good at it. It was hard but I was able to switch gears from a Biology degree to one that was Computer Science focused, despite many in my life saying that wasn’t possible. With that, I found a new path with new struggles but I persevered through it, just as Hongbin had been doing with each new single and album. 2019 was arguably Hongbin’s year. Coming off from the high that was the Eau de VIXX album and Scentist single, Hongbin started to stream on Twitch because he loves video games and wanted to share that. He also was in a drama and on a variety show. Not to mention that he saved Summer 2019 with “COOL LOVE,” a collaborative effort with MONSTA X’s Hyungwon. I wanted 2019 to be my year as well and worked hard at it. Simultaneously, I created projects, graduated university with a CS degree and got a job within the first three months. I had been fortunate in my endeavors. But with more responsibilities, this blog in recent years has been lacking content. I haven’t made anything on here in two years and I feel bad about that. Every time I want to come back, I don’t ever have a drive to do it. There may be a chance that I feel like I’ve outgrown Tumblr. I apologize for thinking like this. Now let’s talk about what has happened in recent months. Hongbin, yet again, found himself in a messy situation. There is a cycle when it comes to Hongbin where he will do something that is unfavorable, he will leave on hiatus, and then he will comeback. Hongbin stans will know, we go MONTHS without hearing from him or seeing him. It’s an unfortunate situation to be in but I truly believe Hongbin stans are some of the strongest people in this fandom because of it. This recent situation was not what we were expecting. Hongbin ended up in a bad situation again and had been gone since March. He finally popped up again two weeks ago, much to everyones surprise. This was a moment of happiness that was short lived due to the following news that arrived. Hongbin would be leaving VIXX. It feels unnatural to even be typing that sentence but here we are. I don’t know what happened to come to this decision but I felt fatigued from that news. I couldn’t concentrate on work, I talked to everyone about how I was feeling, and even took a brief hiatus from social media. It seems dramatic to feel like this about someone I don’t know but again, he is the reason I worked as hard as I did to be were I am. I’m sure many of you understand this emotion. I came to the resolution that, although it hurts, if Jellyfish wasn’t going to help him or promote him, it was probably best he leaves. He would definitely become popular on Twitch. But the moment I had resolved that, he came in with more news that would break the wall. He would be enlisting as early as today, August 17-18th 2020. This one did not hurt as much because I believed it would be best he go early to get it out of the way. Him leaving VIXX was unseen however. Hongbin stans have had it the hardest, I hope you all, even non-Bean stans, are taking care of yourselves and doing your best to stay positive. I guess with this extremely long note I wanted to say that I don’t think I will be active on this blog for a while. I’m not on Tumblr everyday anymore and with Hongbin leaving VIXX, content won’t be as easily available or gif-able. I’ve grown a little tired as well and I truly don’t think I have enough space in my computer anyways. I will leave my blog open so that if anyone wants to see some interesting gifsets with Hongbin or even if a new baby STARLIGHT comes across content or is seeking it, it’s there. The only thing I hope people can protect my gifs from being stolen. Many gif-makers have this issue and I’m not any special to be asking of this but I don’t think people understand how long and arduous the process to create them are. We sacrifice a lot of computer space and run our systems hard to start up our programs to make them. Not to mention we hunt for videos constantly and even sacrifice sleep to be able to get performances live sometimes. Then there is the compliance with Tumblrs gif limits to take into account. Some times there is a lack of creativity or individualism in content, so we constantly brainstorm to give the fandom something fresh for their own blogs. It’s extremely tedious to make them but the satisfaction of not only creating them, but having people interact with them and share them, makes the process worth it. You don’t know, but every single person that reblogs my gifs, I tend to go to that persons page to look at their interests and read their tags. Thank you to those that write in the tags of my posts, I find enjoyment from reading them. If I can say, I trust my gifs with STARLIGHT fandom, please don’t let them be stolen or used unnecessarily. This is my gift to you. ❤ As for gif-making, the one thing I regret is that I didn’t finish a particular series I was working on. That doesn’t mean I won’t come back to finish it however, just not right at this moment. As for mutuals, much of them migrated off the platform at the same time as me. But I just want to thank them and the STARLIGHTS who were especially close to me and lent an ear when all I wanted to do was talk about Hongbin. I’ve made some of the greatest friends through VIXX. Thank you for being there. The VIXX fandom gave me something to work for, to look forward to, and what could be improved. Coming on to Tumblr after so long, I am so happy that my efforts and the efforts of other blogs that were there when I was, made more people become Hongbin fans and even birthed new and talented gif-makers. Thank you for being the next bunch to push it forward. Lastly, thank you to all the people that follow me. I did my best to interact with all of you as much as I could, and even now, thank you for supporting my work. You are the reason I do what I do, and I hope it inspires you in some way too. I wish Hongbin a safe military stint and hope he comes back with a fresh and new perspective on what he wants to do. Thank you Hongbin for what you have inspired me and others to do. You can now follow me on Twitter if you still want to see what I’m up to, there are changes coming there as well but I hope you do follow. I will always support VIXX, even as a five-man group but, VIXX will always be SIX to me. Thank you for everything, I hope to come back to this blog one day to create again.

[rozsapalota]

The Most Random Questions About Your Muse.

*Copy and paste. Do not reblog*

Name: Gábor Szilvás.

1. Do they believe in true love? Absolutely. His attention span is generally rather short and he will drift from one infatuation to another, however when he loves he always does so truly, and has never been dishonest about his feelings. He holds some terribly poetic ideas about love, any kind of love be it platonic or romantic; and if he feels it, if he really feels affection for someone, then that is all he needs to know it is true.

2. Do they believe that their life has meaning? In a personal and emotional sense, most definitely. Not in the grand scheme of things. He values the simplicity of there being no greater meaning, no real divine plan other than for this world to be here, and for us to have the means to experience it. He really doesn’t regard himself as important, and would be quite honestly overwhelmed if he were. Probably in line to some extent with Lestat’s Savage Garden ramblings.

3. What first impression do they give when they first meet someone? He looks and feels quite frail, gentle. Long-limbed, fresh-faced, a graceful and sensitive youth of alluring innocence and girlish beauty. Now more than ever he might appear a bit removed from time, perhaps due to his choice of clothing which often reflects his own era in one way or another. He is very well-mannered and soft-spoken, carries himself like a noble and most certainly gives the vibe of old money, silver spoon in his mouth.

4. Do they believe in Heaven/Hell? By default, yes, or at least he used to. For a long time now he’s been thinking that there might be nothing, and he doesn’t really know what to make of it. You tend to contemplate death a lot, when you’re a vampire.

5. FIVE things that irritate them:

   1 )  low quality materials    2 )  poorly translated poetry    3 )  rudeness    4 )  any form of animal cruelty    5 )  out of tune instruments

6. First Kiss? He used to have the cutest crush on one of his older sister's friends back when he was maybe 7, and it was painfully obvious to everyone who spent any amount of time around the two. He couldn’t look her in the eye for longer than a couple seconds, and so of course when they all played charades and later on truth or dare, he was immediately dared to give her a kiss. Fortunately she was endeared or else he wouldn’t have had the courage, and she came to cradle his face in her hands and give him a kiss herself.

7. What do they find funny that other’s usually don’t? Hungarian puns can be too hard to explain sometimes ( say “Nagy Árpi” quickly and repeatedly, and don’t ask why he’s struggling to hold his laughter ). Blame Lotti for having taught him that.

8. Biggest Regret? That he was so naive as to fully trust his sire. That he never thought or had the nerve to press for answers before the irreversible took place.

9. THREE words that best describe them:

   1 )  graceful    2 )  affectionate    3 )  gullible

10. Their most attractive feature. It would have to be either his eyes, or his hands. There is at times a truly disarming expressiveness to his gaze, those long lashes of his, the colour an uncertain middle ground between light hazel and green. The eyes really are a mirror to his soul.

11. The feature that they find most attractive? It’s still the eyes. They’re one of the first traits he notices and nothing works him up quite like intense eye-contact.

12. Favorite Song Lyric: He’s more into instrumentals honestly.

13. Best advice they’ve ever received: “Do not become so perverted that you would disobey your own nature. Therein lies the path to ruin.” ( you know who you are, mystery advisor. )

14. Worst advice they’ve ever received: Nothing deep or meaningful here, but he was once told that eggs would make a great ingredient for a homemade hair mask. And they are. Except he went to rinse with warm water and somehow it never occurred to him the egg would begin to cook as a consequence. Sometimes I swear there's only white noise in his head.

15. What makes them cry? It really doesn’t take a lot to make this boy cry. Try raising your voice at him and you’ll see what I mean, generally however he will get emotional over anything from films to poetry, music, sad pet adoption or life insurance commercials on TV.

16. Hardest decision they ever had to make? Permanently leaving his family home. He’d killed a stable boy the night after his birth to darkness, entirely without meaning to or really knowing what he was doing. A maid would soon share the same fate. He realised at once, of course, that staying was out of the question; but that never made the decision any easier.

17. What makes them fond of someone? Kindness, kindness has its way of ensnaring him without fail. Joie de vivre, rather like his dear Lotti, hearty and contagious laughter. Generosity, honesty. Just being nice to him or having a sense of humour. Believe me when I tell you it is very easy to get him to like you.

18. Do they believe in forgiveness? He most certainly does, though he struggles even now, to some extent, to really understand or forgive his maker.

19. Biggest TURN ON. A dominant partner, that’s what does it for him. He has a very strong preference for men in this department and likes nothing more than being courted, the spicy back-and-forth of flirting where you can sense an underlying intent. He likes to play coy after all, and baby if you’re charming and a little bit intimidating, he might as well do anything you ask him to.

20. Biggest TURN OFF. Bad manners, rudeness, callousness. Ostentatious vulgarity in general.

21. Any fetishes/kinks? Power imbalance probably tops the list. Being someone’s submissive, being told what to do. A bit of hair pulling / biting / manhandling when it gets intense, but nothing extreme. Orgasm denial / edging is another big one, and also lots and lots of praise. Otherwise he’s reasonably vanilla, except maybe for blood sharing on occasion?

22. Do they have a perception of God? Vaguely so. He was raised Christian, but he is one only at surface level. Nobody in his family was a devout believer and the existence of God was rather passively accepted as the conventional truth. He doesn’t question it, and yet religion has never plagued him or caused him any great turmoil, as it was not a very significant part of his life save for the obligatory Sunday masses. If he were to pick a label he would probably call himself something of a deist.

23. A memory from their childhood that shaped them. He was a very pampered child growing up, always complimented left and right for being pretty as his sisters, often mistaken for a girl himself. It’s a dreamy place of his past to revisit, and he’s still young for a vampire; the memories feel fresh to him, recent to his preternatural mind. He remembers well the evenings of those long gone times when the house was alive and full of music, his mother putting on her pearl earrings before the mirror of her bedroom wall. He remembers leaning against the wooden balcony railing when he wanted to trace constellations, long before they’d ever left for Budapest. He remembers hearing the wolves there, and feeling safe where he stood.

24. Birthday and zodiac sign: October 1st, he’s a Libra.

25. Do they agree with said zodiac sign? He thinks zodiacs are a lot of fun and does relate to many of the traits associated with his sign, but he refuses to believe that he is superficial. :(

26. What is ONE thing that they wish they could change about themselves? He’s pretty comfortable in his skin, as well as comfortable with his own personality. That said, he would tone down the sensitivity if he could, he genuinely cannot participate in an argument without being on the verge of tears.

27. A dream that they have never told anyone. He won’t tell this to anyone because he realises how pathetic it is of him, a product of his heartbreak. It makes him feel miserable to even think about it. He just wishes there could have been some way to be happy alongside his maker, some way to have made him realise that bringing him into this immortality would ruin everything, everything they had. Maybe what he truly needs in order to forgive, is an apology.

28. Do they believe in fate? Not really, but there’s definitely a romantic appeal to the idea.

29. Favourite season: Spring.

30. FIVE favourite singers/bands/performers: Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Liszt, and more recently ABBA and Lana del Rey.

TAGGED BY: @desanctii ( thank you ! ) TAGGING: once you see this I’m sorry but you’re it, no takebacks

[ckret2]

The weight of the world on your shoulders

One of them was infatuated with Rodan; one of them was neutral; and one was enraged at the very thought. That had been enough for Ghidorah to decide to stay on Earth on a trial basis—but more than a month had passed and the trial was over. It was time for them to make a final decision. Were they staying, or not?

This is part of an ongoing series of Rodorah one-shots. If you don’t wanna read the others, all you need to know is Rodan recently made a globe out of lava and gave it to Ghidorah (sorta), and Ghidorah’s having some feelings over it. Links to the other fics are in the source at the bottom of this post.

I wasn’t planning on writing this but the idea came to me while I was proofing Now What? and I went, hm. I should revisit that, huh. Also I wanted to post something while I’m working on that five parter.

###

They curled on the ground around the red sprite's gift to them—a painstakingly accurate globe of this world, made out of volcanic stone and silica glass that he'd made himself—and looked up at it in the dark. They were supposed to be asleep.

They weren't.

The very structure of their life did not allow for a single possession. They carried nothing that wasn't contained within their own body, hidden beneath their electrical scales. They arrived alone and naked, they destroyed everything, they departed alone and naked.

They had known that choosing to keep the red sprite would change that. That they would now have one possession. That they would have to learn how to live differently in order to accommodate the fact that there was something that they meant to keep.

They hadn't expected to receive a second possession. Especially not so fast.

A globe.

It felt heavy.

It felt burdensome. It felt like something pressing down on their back just below where their necks joined, in the narrow channel between Third and Second's spines, right between their shoulders. It felt like it would weigh them down so heavily they wouldn't be able to fly.

It felt like it could crush them to death.

They draped a wing over the globe, rolled it closer, and wrapped around it tighter.

So: now what? They had asked themselves that when they'd made the choice to keep him, and on some level had never stopped asking it. Now what? Were they going to just start accumulating possessions? Things and stuff and people they had to think about, worry about, protect, maintain? Things and stuff and people they had to let weigh on their mind the way a black hole settled heavily on the fabric of the universe, stretching it threadbare with its mass? Settle down, claim territory, have borders, learn how to keep breathing through the claustrophobia as the sky closed in on them?

Had they made their decision?

Because there was a decision pending, wasn't there?

When they'd chosen to stay, it had been a temporary measure: we'll see. We'll decide later. Because they'd been torn on the subject, two voting one way and one the other, and a 2/3rds majority was unacceptable to them. They all shared a body and all shared their minds; they couldn't tolerate doing something that was one-third intolerable to themselves. All decisions had to be unanimous. Even if that meant haranguing the one in the minority into changing his mind. Even if that meant that the two in the majority had to change their position because the one would not budge.

They'd been here well over a month. They had to come to an agreement. Was this going to be their life now?

As much as First hated being in love—it was like having a crossbow strapped to their chest with an arrow pointed at their heart, ready to go off at any moment—he was in love. And every time he'd thought they were on the verge of losing the red sprite—because they'd touched his mind and found no love for them inside it, because they'd seen him plummeting from the sky with cracked armor and frozen wings—he'd felt that arrow threatening to pierce their chest. Actually losing him, he was sure, would be more painful than anything he'd felt since they'd escaped their masters. He knew that made him stupid. He knew that made him weak. He knew that made him vulnerable. He knew that made him hypocritical. But knowing that the crossbow shouldn't be there didn't remove it. Perhaps it was selfish for him to ask them all to stay to avoid his pain; but when he had no power to prevent that pain from spilling over to the other two, he couldn't separate his self-interest from their collective interest. And so, embarrassed and ashamed, he voted for them all to stay. First said yes.

Third didn't love the red sprite, although he thought he would come to, in the same way that they all came to adopt each other's most passionate opinions and emotions. He did like the red sprite. Most importantly, though, he liked being with the red sprite. He liked being grounded. He liked being grounded, dammit! He liked having a world with colors and gravity and weather and skies! So did the others, even if they didn't want to admit it. When they were in space they ached to reach the next world. No one was pushing them off the planets they landed on. No one made them spend ninety nine percent of their lives in space but themselves. So why did they always leave worlds as fast as they could? Staying with the red sprite was an excuse to live the alternative, and they could all see they were better off this way. Being on this world was a mercy, deliverance from the cycle of voids and nights and asteroids and hibernation and cold that made up nearly all of their life. Being on this world felt like a chance to finally go sane. Third said yes.

Second heard Third's perspective. While he thought they should be cautious to not get attached to this particular world—crummy little world covered in machine makers and patrolled by the little king—in deference to Third's experiment, he was willing to consider the merits of allowing themselves to become attached to worlds, in general. They could stay on this world for a while to see what it was like. After all, individual planets might come and go; but planets in and of themselves were never going to vanish, were they? Besides—hadn't they always refused to have possessions because losing a possession would lead to suffering, and they in their immortality couldn't afford the compounded suffering of loss after loss after loss? If First was already so attached to the red sprite, then leaving now would simply cause the very suffering they would otherwise have left to avoid. It was too late. The attachment was made. They would be harming themselves if they left. Therefore, they had to stay—for now. If their feelings for the red sprite cooled, they could leave while it wouldn't hurt. And so his vote was conditional: for now, he thought they should stay. As long as leaving would do more harm than staying. But he wanted them to occasionally reconsider the decision and debate it over again to see if anything had changed. If they were trapped on this world by a weight on their shoulders too heavy to shake off, so be it; but he refused to be trapped by mere inertia. Second said yes—conditionally.

So they would stay. They'd keep doing what they'd been doing: exploring this world an inch at a time. They'd learn the red sprite's language, fight him when the mood struck, and edge ever close to winning his affections. They'd avoid conflict with the little king when they could and try to kill him when they couldn't. They'd toe the line with the local species of machine makers so long as they posed a potential threat to the red sprite, and eliminate them if an opportunity arose. They'd learn new songs from the creatures around them—emotions they rarely had a chance to sing when they were focused only on extermination—and they'd write their own songs.

It didn't sound so bad.

They'd get bored eventually; but they were always bored, anyway. It wouldn’t be so bad.

At the conclusion of the discussion, relief washed through two thirds of them: Third, because he had been terrified that Second would fight to rip them off this planet; First, because he had been terrified that in voting to stay, he would be dooming them to languish on this rock for the rest of their life. If Second was relieved, he wasn't showing it; as usual his emotions were closed up.

A weight lifted off their shoulders.

They shifted their position, in the process accidentally turning the globe; glass instead of rock now pressed to their abdomen. However, they refused to get attached to this thing. It wasn't even alive. Its worth came from its connection to the red sprite, nothing else. For now they could keep it as a trinket that reminded them favorably of him; and if they ever got so attached to it they felt like they couldn't part with it, they could eat it.

They shut their eyes and tried to sleep.

###

(Replies/reblogs are welcome! Check the “source” link below for my masterlist of KOTM and Rodorah fics, as well as my AO3 and Ko-fi links.)

[codematurgy]

you could definitely say that what follows next is a quarentine diary of sorts, but i’m writing it up here because it relates to theme making in some ways; additionally, i just want to write something positive in the middle of this!

stay safe, of course - if your finantial conditions, likely because of the government of your country and/or your employer being criminals, aren’t good enough for you to stop working, i can’t say i’m exactly praying for you because i don’t have that practice, but i do hope you’ll be fine. this moment shows us how capitalists are willing to treat the working class. mandatory class struggle aside:

for starters shout out to tumblr because i love the new dashboard ok. i’m using the cybernetic palette and i really wish it was available on the app too. of course, my love of it isn’t related to the colors alone - i always thought the dashboard looked a bit messy in structure, so building it again from zero was a fantastic decision. love that i can see the words for image or avatar while the images are loading as well; they really took care of accessibility here, which was already an ongoing process with stuff like page order or focus, etc.

i just wanted to write that shoutout because i’ve seen a lot of people complain about it - mostly because xkit stopped working - while ignoring that the folks at xkit did explain how they’re helping the tumblr developers directly, and in turn their work at rewriting xkit would be even smoother. i don’t think people actually give tumblr developers credit where is due, and i’ve been fascinated with their work ever since i found out about official blogs such as @javascript or @engineering. it also clarified a few problems i’ve had when dealing with the mechanics of reblogs, even if some bits of it still drive me nuts! in a sense, thinking about theme making for tumblr has become more gratifying when you get to understand just what you’re doing. anyway, moving on.

i haven’t really done a lot of “theme making” for the past weeks - i did do a bunch of bug fixes to the npf photosets plugin, but nothing related to designing or creating and so on. it doesn’t mean that creating was completely lost to me, though i did channel it to something entirely different: movie reviews.

yeah. that sounds pretentious, i know.

i’m not a big fan of cash grab movies(read: pretty much most of recent disney work, and anything that feels similarly souless), but i never found the strength to watch the ones that are new and more popular around here; namely, stuff from a24. which is not to say those are bad! i’ve watched my share and they are really good - i’m absolutely enamored with the vvitch, for example. however, i’ve realized that i want to discover new worlds, and not all of them too serious neither constantly bombarding my tumblr dashboard or twitter timeline. people have been doing movies for such a long time and i keep wondering, how many incredible gems i’m missing on solely because i can’t be bothered to look back?

thanks to that, i’m watching movies i never thought i would watch. and more importantly, i’m writing about them - about the things that make them this single, incredible work. much like being in a show’s fandom, i guess, and writing such long metas on it, except i get to write shorter essays because i’m not getting an entire season, ahaha. i had never watched an art film up until now, i think, and although it wasn’t my favorite format from this first experience, it was nice and i’m actually willing to try it again.

one great takeaway from this experience, besides how awesome film-making is, relates to my creations here. a fascinating thing about movies is when their envisioners work to have this coherent, complete piece of work filled with all it needs to be solid, instead of letting these loose threads. this is not in a plot sense strictly, but for so many aspects like choosing to add something to costume, set, or prop design; the choice of a weird but so incredibly telling original score; a photography that goes beyond having a pretty centralized shot and adds weight to every shot... wow, that stuff is unreal, and it is so full of purpose!

this feeling of completeness is one i think i have been working on gradually, but still could do better. i have this terrible process in which i barely have a full sketch for a theme - i just think that i want this one thing and build the whole theme around that detail live on the code instead of actually planning it. i believe that, likely because of this, it feels like my themes are just this tiny design in the middle of a blank website. Chamamento, SETE and Ágora feel like outliers in that sense, even though the process was still chaotic, solely because at one point i actually sat myself down and i said “i want this”.

hopefully, i can take this knowledge with me on the next themes coming around! i don’t know when they will come, but i do have an idea for post styling and another one for a “complete” layout - i’ll try not to merge those in my weird process so it’s not too much information, though. there’s one theme in the works for a while too, which is based on the one i mentioned working on as i first mentioned Temporal, but it’s been reworked into an entirely different beast which i’m quite happy with; mostly because there is no pixel based post size! in fact, i’m considering not having typical post sizes for all next themes, choosing a more typical blog approach. it sounds weird but so far it looks really cool, although probably not as much if you’re doing graphics with set sizes... well, graphic makers were never my demographic to begin with.

and well, on an entirely different note: i keep forgetting that when you have a theme uploaded to tumblr, you can check active installs. actually seeing people using your themes, when before the only way you could see it was by hoping whoever reblogged or liked it had in fact installed it, is so exciting!!! it actually confirms that the people using my themes, or at least using Temporal, are often just your average blogger sharing memes, fanart and talking about the latest podcast - you know the one. it’s a pleasure to be making themes for y’all!

[cloudgazercadash]

THORA’S RP PLOTTING CHEAT SHEET.

Want new-and-exciting plots for your character? Long to reach out to more of your followers, but don’t know where to start? Fear not! Fill out this form and give your RP partners both present and future all the of juicy jumping off points they need to help you get your characters acquainted.

Be sure to tag the players whose characters YOU want more cues to interact with, andrepost, don’t reblog! Feel free to add or remove sections as you see fit. Template here.

Mun Name: Tas OOC Contact: Tumblr IMs or Discord (mutuals only)

Who the heck is my muse anyway:

Thora is a Carta criminal turned holy figure. She spent most of her youth smuggling and selling lyrium to all sorts: Templars needing a bigger fix, Dalish elves unable to contact Orzammar themselves, apostates looking for supplies, anyone who had a need. Now, she’s working to put that past behind her any way she can. As the Herald and (later) Inquisitor she strives to do right by the world, and acts with mercy whenever possible.

Points of interest:

Thora believes in the Maker and the Stone, blending the two not-wholly incompatible faiths. As a Surface dwarf, however, she has not been able to practise them as she would like.

She does not believe she is Herald, but in her companion verse will believe the Inquisitor was chosen (though if the Inquisitor is non-Andrastrian it is something she keeps to herself).

Her specialisation is Beserker, a style that involves letting her rage out on the battlefield, something that surprises people when they were first exposed to her out of a fight.

She’s liberal in her beliefs, and supports Leliana as Divine, but has a fair amount of sympathy for Templars given her experiences with those suffering from lyrium withdrawal.

She lived in Kirkwall for a few years between Act 2 and the end of Act 3, leaving the city when she got a feeling that something bad was going to go down. I headcanon that she knew Samson when he lived on the street and knew of Varric (because who hasn’t in Kirkwall).

She also worked in Amaranthine during the events of Awakening, having lived through the attack by the Darkspawn.

What they’ve been up to recently:

Thora has become the head of the Inquisition, an up and coming Thedas organisation, almost entirely by accident. She is currently travelling Ferelden and Orlais, closing Breaches and righting wrongs. She leads the Inquisition in such a way to inspire hope and mercy in the hearts of the people of Thedas. or she tries, anyway. After the defeat of Corypheus, she travels north to close Breaches that opened in the Free Marches.

(post-Trespasser) The Inquisition is disbanded, and Thora dedicates her resources to discovering what she can about the world before the Veil and what she can do to convince her friend that both of their peoples can survive in the same world. Beyond the members of the Inquisition that chose to remain by her side, she also utilises her former Carta connections to create a network difficult for Solas to track.

Where to find them:

Haven or Skyhold, but anywhere throughout Orlais or Ferelden are fair game. As I said, the events of the game she can be found in the Free Marches (especially Ostwick, where her family lives) and then, later, Tevinter. Skyhold lies abandoned after the events of Trespasser, but not forgotten.

Current plans:

Thora wants to stop Corypheus, but has ambitions beyond him, as well. She had no intention of influencing the choosing of the next Divine, but once it’s made clear her will may influence the decision, she sets about making sure Leliana has the best shot possible.

(post-Trespasser) Thora has committed herself to saving Solas, and the world, from himself. In Tevinter, she would also openly support Dorian and Maevaris’s Lucerni.

Desired interactions:

Threads based upon in-game quests, be their war table missions or main quests.

In particular, In Hushed Whispers has a permanent effect upon Thora, who as a non-dreamer (until recently) is unable to disassociate what she sees with being “unmade” making it for a generally different experience than in-game.

Her preparing for Wicked Eyes & Wicked Hearts. Thora has experiences that make her well-suited to the wordplay of the game, but next to know experience with noble etiquette or dancing. She would need lessons before the ball.

Stuff pre and post-DA:I. Having a passing familiarity with some of DA2′s cast, or navigating closing Breaches and solving problems in the Free Marches.

At one point Thora explores the Cadash Thaig, and anyone that wants to come with will have a wild time full of self-discovery with Thora and my Solas.

Interactions with more of the higher-ups in the world, the Queen of Ferelden, any of the powers in the Free Marches, etc. Even post-Trespasser when she’s no longer Inquisitor her name still bears weight.

Anything tbh I love threads w/ my girl.

Offered interactions:

Companion OCs who have recruitment quests that they want to rp, come @ me.

Basically any thread that might require an Inquisitor.

Slice of life, missions, discussions about religion...

I’m pretty open to anything!

Anything else?:

She loves nugs a lot and will disapprove if you don’t.

Tagged by: i took this from.......... myself

Tagging: whoever wants to!

[mostleemorethansmut]

Stephanie Patrick’s New Album

So, I recently got an E-Mail from Prot¡p, asking if I would help promote her newest album. Now, people don’t contact a random fan blog on Tumblr for promotion, so I of course was skeptical. But after a few E-Mails back and forth, I decided that it was legitimate.

Like I said, at first I doubted her, not only because it seemed like a scam, but also a bit odd. Now, Youtubers moving outside of Youtube is not an uncommon thing. Many have written books, some have made movies, but a rap album from a woman who mainly has a voice for singing was a bit odd.

But, then I got this.

(Sorry for the bad lighting, I’m not a professional) That’s right, I got a copy of the album in the mail, and after listening to it, I have to say, I didn’t expect what I got out of it.

If I’m being completely honest, I loved the album and can’t wait for Prot¡p to release more. The songs were fun, energetic, and full of life. Honestly, if you could think of how GTLive would give you a rap album, and that’s this.

It acknowledges its origins while also being an excellent rap album in and of itself. I found myself enjoying many of the songs just for their melodies and pacing of lyrics. Let me quickly inform you though, this album is for fans of GTLive, no one else. Honestly, I’ve been a medium time fan and I didn’t get a few of the references.

Now, the first song after the intro is actually a whole long reference to Game Theory. It’s called “Where I’m From”. She starts with some lesser knowns, but quickly began rapping about Nintendo, Pewdiepie, and a whole verse dedicated to FNAF. I think that it’s a nice way to reference that she’d been working with Game Theory since the beginning too.

I never thought I’d end up feeling as many emotions as I did during “Pressing Start”, which was the Mario Maker Rap. I won’t explain everything in the album, but I will say that although I didn’t cry when my girlfriend left me, that song almost nearly made me consider to maybe regret that decision.

“In There,” the Unitil Dawn rap, was creatively done and with many points that I never expected to hear through a song. Again, these songs are only like 8 minutes long a piece, so I’m trying not to spoil them here and ruin your experience.

I won’t go too in depth with some of the middle songs. They were all still good and at times I find myself remembering all of their beats as I run. I downloaded all the songs onto my phone. These are all great to jog or work out to.

I sometimes forget how sassy Prot¡p can get, and then I listen to this song and remember. Seriously, “Not Here Again” is the most tongue and cheek take on FNAF I have ever seen. I want to mention how she fits in everything you need to know within about 20 seconds, but I really want to say this album is worth it.

Since we’re on the talk of sass, can I just bring up “A Girl Like Me”? Like that is the sassiest take on dating simulators ever heard. It is simultaneously a break down of their stupidity on one hand, but a promotion of life skills at the same time. It’s amazing.

Don’t even get me started on “Beautiful Places”, the rap about Life is Strange. Honestly, I was bobbing along with the music when some of the serious parts hit and it felt like a punch to the gut that really made an impact.

It’s unfair to say that Prot¡p raps only about video games, although that is the main focus. There’s one called “Of These Things In Life”, although I won’t say who it’s about, I will say that their name aligns with something you place on the floor in front of a door and something you might give an obedient dog’s head.

On the topic of MatPat, “Mine” proves that their relationship is epicly cute. I liked that while the title implies how she might brag about her husband, it actually takes a left turn and the chorus does too, almost re-naming the song “Yours”.

Now, we can’t finish such an album without a song about travel, the only other thing that Prot¡p is in love with. Traveling. I thought that “Around the World” might be a bit odd, and honestly, it’s the weakest song of the album. Not that it’s bad, but it isn’t as good as the rest of the songs on the album.

Most albums would end when the last song was over. But all versions are actually shipped out with an extra three songs just tacked onto the end.

“In My Darkness” was a genuine surprise. I always got the impression that Stephanie didn’t really like Inside (the game); and while that was the case, the song gives a compelling arguments for some ideas. It also really scared me, which was a first for the album.

Then, out of nowhere the music gets cheery like a Saturday morning cartoon and the rapping in it is extremely awkward. “A Place With Ponies” was enjoyable. An interesting take on Pony Island and fun, nonetheless.

And what would be GTLive be without a surprise visit from RapPat? So, during the last song, “Brains”, they both have a simultaneous rap battle. By far the fastest rapping part of the album, but also a song you have to hear twice to understand they’re talking about The Impossible Quiz

While possible that the ablum limits the audience, I think Prot¡p‘s album succeeds in what it sets out to do, and what it sets out to do is be a rap album about GTLive.

And I think it does that perfectly. Five stars.

You can pre-order the album right now, and if you use the code “Mostly” you can get the three bonus songs for free.

Order Here and reblog when you get it. I’d like to hear your takes on the songs.

[sappho-official]

hi i hope its not too much trouble to ask you but i've noticed you reblogged da:i in the past and i just got the game so i was wondering if you have any advice for a beginner? like any helpful tips or tricks will do. (sorry in advance)

Yeah sure! Don’t apologize, I love Dragon Age, so I’m happy to talk about it, as evidenced by how freaking long this got.

I wasn’t sure if you wanted combat or story advice, so like here’s both (I threw lore and combat under the cut because that got LONG), and also I sort of assumed you hadn’t played any other Dragon Age games before by the phrasing in the question (sorry if you have lmao).

When picking between the three dialogue options that don’t have emotion indicators, what they actually are is basically:

Top: Passive and placating, traditionally the most friendly answer. Often wins you over allies in political stuff, and it’s usually the most emotionally-conscious option. Some characters may feel like you’re being too passive, Sera tends not to enjoy this one, for example, whereas Cole tends to. (these are, ofc, situational)

Middle: Witty and curious, most likely to be humorous. May occasionally allow you to ask extra questions as well. A lot of companions tend to approve of this one, though characters like Cassandra may sometimes feel like you’re making a poorly timed joke. Sass the villains! It’s my favorite.

Bottom: Aggressive and direct, a bit more likely to make people mad at you, though that depends on the person. Maybe not the option to pick while trying to comfort someone. Still, being direct is a pretty good trait for a leader to have. Characters like Sera, Cassandra, and Bull really enjoy this one.

(Dragon Age 2 had the personality feature, and each of these options were actually labeled and would affect what your character said even when you weren’t controlling them. It seems like DA:I was supposed to have this feature, but was cut at some point)

The Star option (top left) is the “you did a sidequest/said a special thing!” option that opens up some extra stuff. If it’s an option, I’d usually take it. Sometimes there’s another icon, based on your race/class and other stuff as well, usually fun to take because it’s more unique to your character.

Far left [investigate] lets you ask questions. Do this before picking anything else. Some characters (Solas and Varric) really like when you ask questions.

When it comes to picking a character I’ll tell you quite honestly that playing as a Human (especially mage) or Elf will often give you the most story stuff. Qunari are also pretty rad, but playing as a Dwarf gives you very little story stuff unfortunately. Makes me sad, I like Dwarves.

You’re gonna probably want the Trespasser DLC if you finish the game. It’s $15. You need it to finish the plot+get the lead in to DA4 whenever that’ll happen. Sorry.

The power feature is a load of Bullshit and honestly a feature I don’t enjoy. Basically, just go play sidequests that sound cool! Don’t worry about spending power to unlock new areas, there’s so much fun shit there I promise. Some side quests can be tedious, but each area (except the Hinterlands) has a main quest line. That’ll be the quest that Scout Harding assigns you when you first arrive in an area, and I promise that most of them are really neat. I especially recommend the Crestwood and Hissing Wastes questlines, but the Western Approach is actually my favorite area in the entire game. 

DA:I is a bit tedious, but a game that I think is best enjoyed if you take your time. It makes it feel like you should rush the main questline, but seriously, don’t. The main quest of DA:I is...honestly kind of crappy imo. It’s just a bit generic. Now, the DLC plots? those are awesome.

Some quests will lead you into like, dungeon areas. These are always dope, and often a bit more difficult, so bring lots of health regen potions with you. Some of them are unlocked by doing war table missions, so keep an eye out for stuff that’s like, related to Elven history, since that’s usually where those start. A bunch of them have neat loot at the end! And bring Solas to the Elven ruins, he’ll have some comments. Sera will complain the entire time, which can be funny as well. I like those two a lot tho.

Also don’t spend too much time in the Hinterlands at a low level. It’s massive and you’ll wander into an area that’s for a way higher level. Go mess around on the Storm Coast and Fallow Mire early on. tbh the only reason the Hinterlands is so big is because they wanted to be like “look!! we made an area larger than the past two games combined!!! aren’t we great!!!!!” no bioware, I just got killed by 6 bears at level 2. fuck off. It’s pretty though.

Pay close attention to the War Table stuff, especially the stuff that revolves around your character’s family/friends. I won’t spoil it, but if you play as an elf you can, uh, fuck that up real bad.

Don’t worry about collecting Shards or Mosaic pieces or whatever. Seriously, there’s no point in doing it (I say this as someone who’s like 99%ed this game okay, it’s a waste of time unless you really really want to)

Dorian and Iron Bull can get together if you don’t romance either of them. You’ll need to have them in your party a lot though, because party banter (the conversations your companions have out in the field every 12-17 minutes) is what triggers their romance. If you really want to get them together, just put them in your party and leave the game running.

You don’t have to read every single codex entry, but I would recommend picking them up because it’ll give you experience I think. And it’ll give you stuff to read during loads. And like, during the plot heavy stuff, sometimes there’s neat shit? I like worldbuilding tho. The stuff in the Fade and the Temple of Mythal is the most interesting, I think.

It’s kind of difficult to know how your approval is with companions, but it is evidenced by what they say when you talk to them. If you’re really worried about what a character thinks of you, go take a glance at the Approval part of their wiki page (don’t read the other stuff!!) and it’ll help you figure it out. Certain characters have approvals that are easier to get up than others. (take Iron Bull to kill a dragon, take Varric to destroy red Lyrium, basically do their quests while they are in your party)

Lore and Combat are under the cut.

If you don’t know much about the setting I’d recommend checking the Dragon Age Keep, which lets you change what happened in previous games, and then have someone read it back to you! Full of spoilers for the other two games though, sorry. There’s a few decisions that effect DA:I (Morrigan’s dark ritual, who’s in charge of Ferelden, who tf is Hawke) but over all most of them won’t make any major changes (with the exception of Morrigan’s dark ritual from DA:O).

Steer clear of the wiki, seriously it spoiled a MAJOR thing for me. Also maybe don’t go hunting through my dragon age tags..........uh. There’s spoilers.

Basic Lore: 

(some of this is technically wrong, but this is what your average player would know going into DA:I)

The Chantry (the catholic church), and they worship the Maker (god) and his wife Andraste (Jesus+Joanne of Arc) a mortal woman who raised a slave rebellion in Tevinter and was burned at the stake as a result. The Southern Chantry is headed by the Divine (the Pope), presently Divine Justinia. Cassandra and Leliana are her bodyguard and spymaster, respectively. (I say Southern Chantry, because the Tevinter Chantry has a different mentality on a lot of this. Go talk to Dorian about it when you meet him.)

The Southern Chantry preaches that the power of Mages is dangerous, so they should be confined to Circles, where they can study and also not fuck up the world. The Chantry employs Templars (think Paladins) to keep the mages in line. Templars take stuff called Lyrium to give them magic-suppressing powers. Talk to Cassandra and Cullen about Templars. Lyrium is mined up by dwarves, and it’s very dangerous when raw, just not as dangerous to dwarves. Lyrium can also be corrupted into Red Lyrium, which is Really Bad News and makes shit float and makes you go all kinds of loopy and also want to eat it? Bad stuff. Varric really hates it.

Mages get their power from the Fade, which is the dream world. Dreamers are especially powerful mages who have control over dreams. In the Fade there’s The Black City, which is supposedly where the Maker rules from. In the Fade there’s Demons, who can possess you, which mages are more susceptible to, and are all around bad news. There’s also spirits, and if you want to know about them go talk to Solas and Cole.

A bunch of old Tevinter Magisters (Roman Senators but mages and worshipped dragons) a longass time ago decided that the best way to get more powerful was to enter the fade themselves and go to the Black City. As the story goes, the Maker got pissed at them and sent them back to Thedas (earth) with The Blight (kind of like a zombie curse?) which is really bad news. So what was basically the zombie apocalypse (well they’re technically Darkspawn) started, causing the Wardens to be created. Wardens are sort-of blighted destroyers of the Blight. They shoved them into the Deep Roads, which is where the Dwarves live, so the Dwarves have been sectioning off areas to live in that are safe. Ferelden (the country where you are) recently got over the Fifth Blight (DA:O’s plot). Blights happen when one of those big ol dragon fellows (Old Gods technically) meet up with a bunch of Darkspawn and decide to terrorize the surface.

At the end of Dragon Age 2, the Mages started up a rebellion because they were basically being imprisoned. The Templars got mad and fought back, and succeeded from the Chantry, starting the Mage and Templar war. The title screen is the Conclave (peace conference run by Divine Justinia), at the Temple of Sacred Ashes (where Andraste’s ashes once were). Your character is attending the Conclave.

There’s also a civil war in Orlais between Grand Duke Gaspard and Empress Celene. Also, there’s this lady named Flemmeth, or Asha’Bellanar, who’s a major figure in Elven mythos and can turn into a dragon. She’s Morrigan’s mom and shows up in every game and is sort of immortal.

Combat Basics:

When it comes to combat, I think DA:I has the easiest but least intuitive combat system out of all of the Dragon Age games (there’s a casual mode and don’t worry about starting out with that mode if you haven’t played any Dragon Age games before).

Early on it’s totally a great idea to try out switching between different characters to see which class fits your playstyle best (I think that rogue archer is the simplest for a beginner), and if you want to recreate your character early on that’s totally rad (it took me three tries to realize that I really love 2 handed warriors the best, for example). Basically, here’s a breakdown of playstyles:

Warrior, sword+shield: melee tank, not built for damage. Best with the Champion (Blackwall) or Templar (Cassandra) specializations. One of the better AIs, so don’t worry about switching onto your tank as much. Would recommend having one of them in the party at all times tbh. 

Warrior, two handed: melee AOE, built for damage. Basically just stick your two-hander in the center of everything and they’ll kill a bunch of people. Not as good against single-enemy fights (like dragons). Best with the Reaver (Iron Bull) or Champion (Blackwall) specializations.

Rogue, Dual Dagger: melee critical-based, does the most damage out of any build but fairly easy to kill as a result. Good with any of the rogue specializations, but really really good with Assassin (Cole).

Rogue, Archer: ranged damage, does the most ranged damage. Big bonus is the fact that you can move while attacking, which mages cannot do. Leave Varric as an archer, and upgrade Bianca a lot and he’ll become pretty strong! Sera also makes a pretty good archer, but she does pretty well as dual-dagger as well. Good with Artificer and Tempest specializations.

(you don’t get specializations until level 10, at which point you’ll get to pick your own for your character! Lot’s of fun ones, I recommend Reaver, Assassin, Tempest, and Rift Mage as my favorites to play, but just go with what sounds cool/fits the character tbh. Necromancy is a bit glitchy, just a heads up. Also you might need a guide for the quest, depending on which specialization you pick it can be a pain in the ass to figure out)

Mages have a lot more variety to them, and I recommend picking two trees for each mage (+their specialization once you get there). I personally go for Spirit+one type of damage for each one, and it doesn’t matter which type of damage you go for for each mage, since their specializations don’t change a ton of their playstyle. I would recommend having at least one Winter mage and one Inferno mage, so that you can fight dragons/tough enemies with the opposite type of element (there’s no Spirit dragons, and Storm is the least useful against big enemies anyways.)

Spirit: The most useful skill tree in the game, I promise. Barrier, dispel, and whatever the resurrection spell is are some of the most useful spells in the entire game. Also, dispel can be used when a rift is about to spit out more demons and like, you can see the lil circle-y bits on the ground, you just cast dispel on one of those spots and boom, the demon won’t show up! The AI for spirit mage is pretty alright I guess, I usually switch onto my main spirit mage during big difficult fights (dragons especially, dragons are Tough), but honestly I don’t enjoy constantly having to pause to cast barriers so I don’t play it myself.

Winter: CC, does the least amount of damage but the slows/freezes are So Fucking Useful, I swear. If you’ve got a pretty heavy damage team, Winter is great for a purely support mage. I basically build my favorite mage (Solas) to be Winter+Spirit, which is the best combo for playing what is basically just a healer that does very little damage. Also has the fantastic spell, Fade Step, which allows a mage to FWOOOSH across the battlefield to get out of trouble. If your mage is taking a lot of hits, switch onto them and move them out of the way with this.

Inferno: DOT, some AOE. I think Inferno and Storm are sort of tied for damage, but Inferno does more damage to individual enemies. Can also terrify enemies, which is a little bit annoying if you’re playing as a melee character. Just mostly damage, all around pretty solid. Makes my PS4 lag a bit when the entire screen is on fire.

Storm: AOE mostly, can also shock enemies. Basically allows you to chain attacks between multiple enemies. Super neat but my least used mage tree tbh? Not sure why. Does damage, not as useful against big enemies (especially dragons. I feel like I talk about dragons a lot, but there’s like, 12 dragons in the entire game? I just liked fighting them bc A. it’s Dragon Age and B. my character literally drank dragon blood okay, it was sort of badass and C. I like dragons)

I would have to look at my old skill-trees if you want advice on which kits work best together, I couldn’t tell you off the top of my head.

When it comes to building a balanced team, my go-to is:

One Sword-and-Shield Warrior

One Two-Handed Warrior or Dagger Rogue

One Archer Rogue or Damage-y Mage

One Support Mage

So like, pick some favs and build them to fit into that pretty much. Mix up your party though! Some characters, like Sera and Solas, have strange perspectives that can be hard to understand at first, but are really interesting once you get to know them, so stick them in your party!

And I think that’s it? I’m sure I’ve got tons more advice I could share with you (I’ve introduced a few people to the series now so this is almost all stuff I’ve already told them) but this is already like a bajillion words. Also I have to do homework still. whoops?

[sisterhoodbrij-blog]

Inaugural post of this blog. The pic above is me with Hunt, my beloved (recently and unfortunately deceased) mental health companion animal (if a companion dog is good enough for Carrie Fisher, who also had bipolar disorder, it’s good enough for me). Yes, I named him after James.

Heads-up: long post, swears and Battlestar Galactica-themed profanity, divorce, family drama, discussion of bipolar disorder, specifically psychosis and suicidal ideation

I started this Tumblr, because it was pointed out to me that authenticity is talking about the shit times too. How can I help the next generation of social entrepreneurs if I don’t talk about the stuff that I’m struggling with? I’ll paint an unnaturally rosy picture of entrepreneurship, which is very inauthentic (and I really wish those perky business advice people would talk about the struggles instead of ).

So here comes some authenticity about dealing with family and life drama while trying to start a movement.

I’ve been running Motorsport Sisterhood since August 2015. (The website anniversary is September 15th, 2015, so that’s where we officially count from - we count birthdays, not conception days.) For the most part, it’s felt like yelling into the void. I yelled into the void for a full frakking year before people (other than my friends, who I’m pretty sure got sick of forced adds to groups and tags in FB and Twitter posts with requests to RT) started to respond to me.

My own frakking mother didn’t even like my Facebook page for over a year, until I complained that she didn’t support my organisation. Then she started doing that thing where she commented on posts, criticising them without reading them. On a post about suicide - that was really brave of me to write, because it was so personal, and I angled it very much towards ‘seek professional help’ - she commented, ‘Uh, I would’ve thought going to see a psychologist would be a good idea!’ This from the woman who spent the best part of a decade pretending my symptoms were either a personality flaw for her to manipulate, shame, and gas-light out of me, or a demon that needed to be exorcised. (She did try an exorcism once when I got grumpy because my grandmother told me not to sit on the same side of the car as my mother as I would ‘break the suspension’. Incidentally, two fat women won’t break the suspension. Packing the car full of people and stuff and driving it on a long road-trip on a bumpy road breaks the suspension. I learned this lesson in that car in real life. Prior to the evil bitch’s claims that my then-120kg self would break the suspension. But point aside, my mother’s attempt at an exorcism caused a psychotic break in which I heard a voice in the room that spoke words of comfort to me, and gave me tips for self-care. Best auditory hallucination ever! If I had been religious at the time, I would probably have written it down as a word from the Lord. I mean, how many other people have a psychotic-break head-voice that gives good self-care advice?) I can’t win with her.

Then in March this year, she started slowly and painfully divorcing my dad, and (due to circumstances she claims were beyond her control) made me responsible for sorting through her belongings (she’s a hoarder and they’ve been married 40 years, so a lot of junk has accumulated), sending her the things she wants (the entire scarf collection must be shipped, but the wedding dress and lingerie [which is way more kinky than I ever wanted to contemplate in the context of my parents...I’m off red pleather suspenders for life after realising my dad was into that!] must be 'got rid of’), and finding appropriate homes for the vast majority of her belongings. And in my birthday phonecall from her, she had the gall to say, ‘Now you understand why I was so beady with you for not helping when we moved from [previous address] to [current address]!’ (It. Was. Her. Stuff. I packed and moved my own stuff, in addition to helping a bit with hers out of the goodness of my heart. Her stuff, her problem, right?) So around all the day-job and Sisterhood things, I’ve been silently disassembling my family home.

I feel like an awful feminist for taking my dad’s side in the divorce. I know that women almost always end up worse off financially, but I can’t bring myself to care enough to call her in over the bad economic decisions she’s making. I know that a lot of women are in abusive relationships and struggle to leave, but I don’t buy her story that Dad was an angry, abusive wife-beater their entire marriage. (Show me the bruises! I have way more scarring memories of her yelling for no reason - for example, when my deputy headmaster snitched on me for wanting to kill myself as a teenager, she yelled for two hours straight [literally spitting mad] about how I could keep secrets and humiliate her by telling Rod Montague [the deputy head in question] instead of her [I skipped manual labour {ditch digging around the school grounds; standard punishment for calling the French teacher an ill-informed bitch when she corrected my grammar when I wasn’t even wrong according to the textbook} to kill myself, and didn’t end up killing myself because she got home from the shop early, and then I had to give Rod Montague a reason for not taking my punishment] and air our family’s dirty laundry in public - than I do of him. He has the occasional eruption of irrational, angry yelling, but most people reach breaking point sometimes.) I’m 100% on Team Dad because she’s so frakking bonkers and self-centred and crazy-making, but feel like I should side with her because she was also born with a vagina and is being disadvantaged by society’s views on said vagina, in addition to her own shitty life choices.

So, if you know someone as crazy-making as my mother, here’s some advice from what I’m learning at the moment.

- Distance is good. Find a way to get some space. Thankfully, mine moved countries of her own accord, and gifted me with the space to see how toxic she was.

- Limit communication to safe topics. Do. Not. Engage. Recognise and dodge the crazy. If they get angry with you, deflect onto a safe topic. Keep deflecting. Don’t let them near your soft underbelly. Have a wing-buddy where possible.

- Lean into your community. As in, pick up the frakking telephone and call a human being you like and trust. No vaguebooking and hoping someone notices your pain. Choose specific people who are good listeners, and are possibly willing and able to wing-buddy for you when you’re around the crazy factory. Call them, and talk, preferably in person and not at the crazy-maker’s house.

- Get a therapist/coach/professional help of some description. They can put names to the things the crazy-maker does that make you feel bad. Having words to google is so frakking helpful! They can also reassure you that you are unlikely to have contracted pathological narcissism.

- Take care of yourself. Exercise. Read books you love. Eat nutritious food. Keep your body and living space clean(ish). Complete the sentence, ‘I show love to [person you love] by...’ then do the things to yourself.

If you have any advice to add, add it in the reblogs!