#I love it in mlm shit but I’m lesbian so please. please put that stuff in my flavor I beg

[wigglecoin]

That’s exactly it

i really need a wlw book or movie to scratch a certain itch that a lot of wlw content doesn't achieve and that is like long long long long term pining. a lot of wlw media is instalove and that is fun and sweet but my god i need wlw best friends to lovers pining for ten years shit. i need wlw enemies to lovers fuck down a house shit. i need to be able to reach into a story and have to yank out the root to be fully entertained please. yes a lot of queer women fall in love fast but a lot of us pine secretly for years TOO. and i need it to end HAPPY.

[notwhoiwanttobeyet]

tumblr journal [1]

NOTE: hi pLeasE don’t read this. this is just a way of coping with my mental illnesses. this is completely unedited, highly personal and i stRonGLy advise you look away. i hope you’re having a good day! happy holidays :)

also don’t mind the spotify links along the way; just some songs i almost or did cry to while writing this 

tw: suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks, (breast) cancer

hey tumblr, 

it’s been a while since i’ve really vented. a lot of us use tumblr as a copying mechanism (me included) and i think it’s important i evaluate my current situation and break things down. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/1WVunZLZM2zLTm5rAvKZkF?si=a94u_JAsRX2VCWOD6z4l-Q

exam season is over; i’m on summer break. and that’s great. no more school. no more exams and assignments and testing and all that FUCKING BULLSHIT THAT THE SYSTEM PUTS US THROUGH. i’m sorry, i’m trying to stay calm but it’s so fuckiNg hard. i’m literally going to cry i- so yeah, as we know, towards the end of the year school fucked me over and i really, reaLLY, REALLY wanted to die. so when school finished i was like “oh i must be all good now, right?” but i wasn’t. i was left feeling so numb, to be completely honest (and cliche).  

then i got sick which was soooo fucked. apparently a lot of people who went to our small friend kris kringle gathering got sick which sucks but because i spent so much of this year in isolation, i forgot what it felt like to be sick and oh bOY it fucking sucked. i over exaggerated because i’m sensitive and wanted to die. i was sick for like a week and my parents quarantined me because my mum is recovering from a breast cancer surgery and couldn’t afford to get sick so i was like locked in my room- on my own- which yeah, i do anyway but this felt sooo different. this felt like, completely fuckEd because my parents were wearing masks around the house and would leave food in my doorway, etc. i felt like a complete MONSTER to the people i love. i also obviously couldn’t hug them or anything, leaving me touch starved and ugh- it just wasn’t a great experience. 

also my mum is recovering fine and stuff but it’s an emotional fucking time for everyone and i’m so stupid i haven’t told anyone about my mum being sick and all. like people don’t ask why i’m acting up because i’m ALWAYS acting up. i’m always sensitive and angry and having mood swings. that’s just me, being mentally ill. so no one asks why i’m worried. my mum has/had BREAST CANCER- brooo. she’s had one surgery which went well and will most likely have to have chemo and/or radiation in the coming year. we get the results back after christmas. so that’s a thing. 

i have a secure group of friends which i’ve always wanted, but it doesn’t feel right. it never feels right. like today the three of us went shopping and THEY WENT CRAZY- i was so stressed and had literally like 6 different mental breakdowns in the 2 hours we were out. they were bumping into people, running around, trying on every item of clothing ironically in every store. that shit stresses me out. and there’s nothing wrong with that- they’re good people and they’re not doing anything wrong really - it’s just normal teenage stuff. but i’m note normal, i’m super anxious and everyone was looking at us and it made me sooo uncomfortable. like- i could elaborate more but thinking about it hurts. i felt like i was their mum or something, shepherding them around and making sure they didn’t break anything else. they- UGH// they broke a perfume bottle and rudely ran away from a teacher i have a good reputation with. like i said, they’re just normal teenagers but it fucks me up. it’s not them, it’s me. on the bright side i saw this same lesbian couple i saw the other day again :) i never see wlw or mlm couples in public really so it makes me soo happy when i see them :) i also saw this girl in an unnus annus hoodie and i was gonna say something but i’m too *anxious* so i just stared at her until she looked at me weirdly and i ran out of the store. oH and there was a girl in an mcr shirt ahh-- she was really pretty but i was too busy running it was a whole thing like my mum was coming to pick me up and i had 10 minutes so i ran up from one end of the mall to the other and then upstairs to this store to but this fucking wonderwomen shirt and then i had to run all the way back and i’m not the most athletic to say the least and i wanted to CRY but yeah. what did i learn today? people aren’t for me. friends aren’t for me. and again i know i’m built to be alone. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/7wTqEW5nrMhvyEhEyTnOMd?si=ata2BwOPQji3twov9wTZWg

i’m really thirsty. ew not like tha- i fucking hate society

cinnamon rolls not gender rolls. wait my friend got that on a poster let me see if i can find it,,,

yeah here it is ^^^^

also: my hair. i’m so happy having it the length it is but mAn i just- i just- i hate myself lol. like i don’t know what else to say. i think i’m ugly and every time i look in the mirror i want to cry, and it’s going to be like that forever so i need to just except that. i am ugly, i hate myself. like- bro come on. it’s been like this forever and it’s going to continue to be like this forever so i need to stop fucking crying over it.

https://open.spotify.com/track/05JtBVWRtSzqLoj7jj30kn?si=30W4pt7dT8G3cbzaUMqldw

oh my god this song i’m about to cry. this is what i want. why can’t i just be- not me!!! 

these past few days i’ve literally been playing minecraft bed wars all day. like all day. and it was okay but now my eyes hurt and my head hurts and my hands hurt and i hate myself and everything hurts. 

also- music doesn’t feel right. it’s been like this for a while now, it’s getting better though. before i couldn’t listen to any music at all - now i’ve been listening to kid krow on repeat : ) 

god bless you, conan. my number one song currently is *cough* E-GIRLS ARE RUINING MY LIFE (which they are btw) which is- fucking terrifying and funny at the same time. i genuinely like CORPSE though- i’ve watched every among us stream and i love his songs- in the past i would have considered myself a simp (?) maybe (?) but i had a nightmare about it and i can’t awifjisenf simp no more. i still appreciate him, i just- had an awakening. 

sexuality crises also suck a whole bunch. there was a 1-2 day phase a few weeks ago where i was low key PRAYING to be a lesbian lmfao. like it sounds stupid but i was crying over that shit. background info: no i’m not one of those straight girls, i’m a bisexual female who’s almost a full on raging homosexual except i am attracted to men. and i wish i wasn’t, believe me when i say that. but i have realised i am bi so it’s okay. i thought i was a lesbian and awilfjnawr labels but no, i am slightly attracted to men sometimes. but to answer your question if i am lucky enough my future wife and i will be married and living in a cottage. 

ugh. life. bru h i’m actually a train wreck- i had an anxiety attack crying trying to find my childhood tinkerbelle and friends dolls the other night. and then to make matters worse, i found them in a box with a whole bunch of other dolls in the same box including StRawBerrY ShoRtCaKe doLLs and i smelt my stawberry shortcake doll hesitantly while crying and she still smelled like her strawberry scent and i was DEAD. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/1F6IbA7di42uPc3cff8PXV?si=COKcG_UbQh-GhKYJ5vtIgg

ugh. so this has been my update so far. oh wait-

christmas. holy shit how is it christmas. i want dEatH like. reasons why i’m sad for christmas: it doesn’t feel like christmas so i feel like i’m not going to enjoy it, i’ve had no motivation to clean my room so the contents of my wardrobe is all over my floor because i was mid resorting the drawers when i got sick, i’ve wanted to ask for doc martens and my chemicals romance + other artists’ merch all year but i have SEVERE ANXIETY so of course i didn’t and now my parents have gone and bought me a new phone or something which of course i’m grateful for but my iphone 6s works just fine. it’s a waste of money which we need at the moment but because i’m too anxious i didn’t ask for anything this year so my parents have just chosen to spoil me and- aW SHIT! i can’t=

anyway so that’s my bullcrap life. i mean my bullshit rant. am i glad i did this? yes. do i feel any better? kinDa? i don’t know okay. what am i going to do now? i don’t know. probably lie on the floor and drown in self pity in hopes of melting into the abyss. i might read my book which i’ve yet to finish. maybe reading can be my knew things, seeing as i have zero hobbies. i read like once in a blue moon.

this is it for now, good luck, future me. 

sincerely, 

jordan ♡

https://open.spotify.com/track/7B3z0ySL9Rr0XvZEAjWZzM?si=HyWPKutjRTuPumafim7_Vw

[incorrect-vrains-quotes]

I definitely won't argue with you on Takeru being pan, I can totally see that! But I'm way too curious to not ask if you can elaborate Spectre, so... can you please do that?

Ok, so there’s like three layers as to why I headcanon Spectre as pansexual.

The first layer is the easiest layer. I’m pan and I love him so that makes him pan. 

The second layer is I ship him with at least one girl. I think, as a character, Spectre is very mlm-leaning but I still think romantic or sexual attraction to girls is possible for him; it could even make for an interesting story given that its highly likely that he hates women due to his past. Therefore, closing him off to the possibility of different gender relationships is unappealing to me because there’s an interesting story there, in my opinion. I think him and Miyu could be cute because it could echo Earth/Aqua. 

Hell, I’ve already begun a MiyuSpe fluff fic and I have some Ryoken/All Lost Children fics where they interact as well. So by keeping him m-spec, I don’t feel weird about putting him in those sorts of relationships. Compare to Serena from Arc V, I hardcore headcanon her as a lesbian but yikes, I’ve got a fair few fics where she’s written into m/f (and m/m/f) relationships. And I feel very weird about that but whatever, most those fics are request fics so yeah.

The third layer is the most complicated layer because I have all this imagined lore for Spectre and its all intertwined between meta, quotes, and fanfic I’ve written. Fun fact: I have posted 19 fanfics for Vrains and of them, Spectre appears in 6. So the final layer is basically the condensation of how I characterise Spectre and his romantic or sexual liaisons. 

Before we continue any further, I would like to note that Spectre’s age is unconfirmed and I see him as the oldest of the Lost Children and as Ryoken’s age (18). 

Anyways, I perceive Spectre’s sexuality as being irrevocably entangled by paraphilias. Based on his backstory, I believe it’s entirely possible that Spectre has a dendrophilia fetish and based on his duels, I think its also possible he’s into some weird shit (tentacles come to mind first but he’s probably into restraints as well, I would also say electro-bondage, too).

So, I believe rather than prioritising a single gender or simply having multiple attractions to multiple genders, his number one value for coupling would be someone who is able to is able to cater to his paraphilias. I think his sexuality is very closely intertwined with his trauma which he fetishizes in order to cope. This is both from what he experienced as an abandoned infant to what he was put through in the Lost Incident.

Also, it’s worth noting that I have read stuff by other pansexuals and some pans conceptualise their sexuality very similarly due to their own traumas. I’m not one of these people; I’m merely attracted to all genders but I think it’s important to acknowledge other ways in which people can conceptualise sexuality.

Furthermore, Spectre is, in my opinion, a very Freudian character and the pansexual identity was retooled from Freud’s ideas; in fact, some people would go as far as saying Freud was the person who coined the word pansexual. So, I feel like a label with that sort of origin would appeal to Spectre who is very much absorbed by his mummy issues.

So yeah, the three layers of why I headcanon Spectre as pan.

[maplecum-blog]

@kinnie-against-incest

I couldn’t reblog the original post, OP(or someone in the thread?) most likely blocked me. It is obvious that they only blocked me to have the last say in the matter, in front of their followers at least. Anways, as much as i would love to rant more about this, itis not about OP but i wanted to adress your points. 

So here is my response in a seperate post:

My pal, as a gay male, I would say you are very gross and homophobic and wrong. Here is why:

(I’m under no obligation to be nice to you if you’re insulting me tbh, but i’ll do anyway for the principal of things)

• You can read and enjoy something thats still harmful to you? I bet a lot of the gay men who read yaoi either know its harmful and still enjoy it or arent aware of how harmful it is. The ones who dont realise its harm are in danger because yaoi oftentimes normalizes rape.

My dude, have you ever seen any hetero porn ever? talk about rape normalization. stop acting as if yaoi creators inventend rape. The only people who link rape and yaoi together are antis themselves. 

And please stop implying that you somehow know better about their lifes than people who enjoy certain genres. That’s patronizing. 

People aren’t as stupid as you think.

• Im not an expert on this stuff, but I dont see how the 

male gaze only applies to sfw content? If you see heterosexual porn, and it focusses on revealing shots of the woman rather than the man, isnt that a result of the male gaze? (I may be totally off so @ other people whod know better correct me if Im wrong).

Yes, hetero porn is often marketed toward males, females are considered as a product. So the camera doesn’t focus much on the male to help males aka the main audience with the self-insert. 

As for the male gaze well, someone added to that thread and i quote them  The male gaze was a concept created by feminist film theory to discuss female representation and usually objectification in media. link to the post[x]

As you see it is a feminist theory, it discusses female representation, i’m not sure if porn is considered as female representation? porn is just porn. Here’s a link for more info, it says that there is no female equivalent for male gaze (which is why i didn’t find any results for the latter) [x]

• Also regardless of whether it is the female gaze or not, yaoi is not made for gay men. Most creators of yaoi are female. And while some of them are lesbian, most are straight or bisexual (and yes, bi girls can still fetishize gay men. Just like a bi guy can catcall a woman and still be just as disgusting).

I can’t believe you’re comparing two incomparable things: creating/consuming yaoi and sexual assault. 

• “An average person knows that yaoi was never meant to be a realistic representation of mlm.” Im willing to bet that a lot of people who read yaoi either are young teenagers or people who discovered yaoi as a teenager, and maybe have never seen a real gay relationship in their life? (Again, @ people who know this stuff better correct me if Im wrong). When I first read yaoi, I was 13 and I actually thought gay men acted and had sex like that. Other kids who read yaoi and dont have close friends or family who are gay will think what I thought, because thats all theyve been shown.

It’s because you’re not supposed to read yaoi at 13. maybe we should ban porn and any mature content on the internet also because 13 years old  might watch it?

• You ARE putting gay men into a porn category. Youve got fujoshis on this site calling real life relationships yaoi. Real. Life. Relationships. Youre dehumanizing gay men by doing this. Demonizing us too, because gay men being obsessed with fucking has been a stigma for a long time. Have you ever seen anti gay propoganda depicting one male figure bending over while another male figure stands behind him? Yeah. Yaoi doesnt help with this.

Again this has nothing to do with yaoi and everything to do with how shitty the person reading it is. If somone is calling real life gay couples yaoi it’s probably means that they are misinformed and think that it’s an appropriate term:you can help people like this by telling them that no it is not. So how about less posts like “Fujoshis can choke LOL” and more actually helpful posts?

because gay men being obsessed with fucking has been a stigma for a long time.  Have you ever seen anti gay propoganda depicting one male figure bending over while another male figure stands behind him?

The problem lays in purity culture. That sex is such a bad thing, a sin. That having sex makes you less pure.that sex between queer people is even more sinful than hetero sex. 

 In an ideal world, one male figure bending over while another stands behind him should never be used in an anti gay propagonda. It shouldn’t be offensive. 

• Actually, youre right. This IS a case of a girl trying to convince A GAY MAN that yaoi ismt harmful. Shut the fuck up and go home, this isnt your issue to speak upon.

Bye homophobe! ✌️

Ah damn I have bad news for you, not gonna happen :)

I find your tags pretty interesting, this sums up pretty much tumblr discourse culture:

I belong to [insert x demograpic here] so my opinion is more valid then yours. I have to disagree, i wouldn’t care less if a stranger online dismisses my opinion but here is why i would never do the same:

 you got it wrong, If someone had valid point then I don’t care if they’re a 16 years old heterosexual girl or an adult gay man. Your identity wouldn’t change the way i respond to you. your words does.

I was refering to the fact that teens invloved in discourse are responsible for 90% of posts like “Fujoshis can chock LOL” (if an adult makes a post like this that’s even worse)

I would never dismiss someone’s opinion because of their identitiy.

Or else, i might as well just puts a list of my mental illnesses on my header, my gender and sexual identity and my race. Just to gain an advantage in discourse. Honestly that’s such a shitty concept tbh.

Being a called homophobe on tumblr dot com means literally nothing. It’s such a strong word but you people throw it aroud on the daily. 

I live somewhere in the third world where homosexuality is illegal, my life is in danger simply for existing. If i was ever  somehow outed my family would kill me before the goverment does anything about it.

 I know I am not like that, not that gays can’t be homophobic (or else internalized homophobia wouldn’t be a thing) 

The point is, you don’t know shit about people you talk to online, please don’t fill the blanks with false assumptions about them just to make yourself feel better when insulting them. 

peace xx