#I love how majority of these are silly then there’s the bottom BOOM

[sideswipesjetpack]

Take these wips and wips as I work on surprise surprise, another wip (SG twins)

[userlando]

I dunno if you do requests, but if you did a possessive/jealous Tom Hardy (or Eddie, or Alfie.... I dunno, they all give off the vibe) I would I've you like my soul or something......,........

oh god, inspiration strikes again..

Alfie wasn’t a soft man, both physically and mentally. He didn’t grow up in the warmest household and his mother, bless her heart, did everything to raise her boys to be great men when their father failed in that department.

Not to say that she’d failed, considering where Alfie had ended up, but it provided him with enough resources and money to take care of her the way she’d struggled to put food on the table and provide for him and his siblings during his childhood.

Alfie wasn’t soft when he’d done unspeakable things during the war, and he certainly wasn’t soft when he’d taken his place as the king of London. His hard exterior and the amount of blood on his hands was enough for people to fear him. And that’s all he would ever ask for. Because fear was respect, and Alfie would pry out anyone’s teeth with pliers if anyone dared to show him anything else.

Alfie wasn’t soft, but that’s the word he’d describe himself feeling when he heard you laugh for the first time. It had been five years but he remembered it so vividly that it still - to this day - made his hands shake in a way he’d never admit out loud. God forbid someone would hear him spew soppy shit that only you found endearing and romantic.

It was a rainy afternoon and Alfie was craving an evening at the pub after a long day at the distillery. A drink was all he’d come for, but then he’d heard you laugh and his ears had immediately perked at the sound.

It wasn’t difficult for him to locate where that sound came from. Because as he suspected, your face was just as radiating as your laugh and it sounded silly, but he knew from the moment he laid eyes on you, that he had to have you.

You were tough at first, your boundaries and lack of interest unlike any other woman’s he’d usually pick up. The way you seemed so unattainable only seemed to pull unwanted male attention, but the more he tried to pursue you, the more word got around. You were his woman, and only his. It infuriated you at first because you were no one else’s but yours, though Alfie knew you’d secretly loved it. Even though you refused to admit it even years later when the topic arose in conversation.

So, Alfie wasn’t soft. But he was soft for you, and he was soft for your laugh. Which was why his ears - much like that day at the pub - perked when he heard your giggle echo in the distillery. A frown immediately cast over his face as he placed his pen down on the surface of his desk.

He glanced around in confusion at first, wondering who the fuck you were speaking to that made you giggle like that. And his stomach churned when he thought of all the greasy men who were working under the roof of his distillery, who’d been instructed to not speak to you if not absolutely necessary. Everybody knew this. No one was foolish enough to risk losing their ball sack to a rusty shank.

Or so, that’s what Alfie thought.

The chair squeaked in protest as he rose from it, rough hands flat on the table to heave himself up as he grunted in annoyance. Annoyance because someone was clearly not doing their job, and annoyance because you knew better than to prance around at the distillery when there was work to be done. And chances are, you looked absolutely gorgeous doing it.

Alfie’s suspicions were correct, he realised, as he walked down the creaky stairs to the base floor. He found you a few yards away, legs that he loved so much clad in stockings he knew he’d be ripping off later. You had the same green dress on he’d seen you dress in before he left for work that morning.

He would’ve stood there and appreciated the way your dress flared where your back met your bottom, or the way you’d prettily pinned your hair back just far enough to reveal your neck. The very same neck he’d buried his face into the night before and just this morning.

Alfie couldn’t appreciate it though, mostly because of the two dimwits standing in front of you, greased up faces smiling as they spoke to you. As if Alfie paid them to slack off. Fucking idiots.

As Alfie moved closer, he could hear your soft voice ask ‘How’s Claire doing? What a strong woman she is for birthing your lovely twins!’ It admittedly made Alfie soften for a second, because of course you’d take interest in everyone’s life and show genuine concern. That was the major difference between you two. Where Alfie lacked, you made up for.

“Right, last time I checked, I paid you fucking idiots to do your jobs,” Alfie startled the two men as he approached, voice booming as usual. “So, tell me what you’re bloody standing around here for.”

You turned around with ease, having been with him long enough to not bat an eyelash at his vulgar words and flaring anger. His face was scrunched up in an expression that would make any sensible man and woman in London cower in fear, and you placed a hand on his meaty arm in a poor effort to calm him down. And to silently tell him to shut up and behave.

“Alfie.” You greeted him like he wasn’t shooting daggers at the two men who now looked like they wanted nothing more than to bolt. You couldn’t blame them. “Hi sweetheart. I was just talking to Christopher and William here about their families. Did you know Will had twins?”

Alfie only managed a grunt because why did you know their names? And Will?

He didn’t know if he wanted to drag the bastard into his office by his cock and beat his face into three different shades or to toss them out on their sorry arses. He knew the first option would send him into the doghouse for God knows how long, and the other option would cause more problems between the two of you than he dared to think about.

“Two girls.” The one he assumed was named William said, albeit a little shakily. The man next to him elbowed him and they both went quiet.

“Right, I must’ve missed the part where I fucking asked.” Alfie was livid, and there were so many factors playing into that reason.

These animals who worked under him knew to never lay their eyes on you, nevertheless talk to you. And he wanted to be angry at how good you looked, at the audacity to walk into the distillery when he knew he disliked you hanging around here during office hours.

Mostly, he wanted to spank your stubborn arse black and blue.

“Alfie, why don’t we go to your office, hm?” You asked softly, feeling the way he was shaking as you squeezed his bicep gently.

He knew what it was though. Your way of telling him to simmer down and behave.

You didn’t wait for him to answer, turning on your pretty polished heels to walk around and past him toward his office. He didn’t miss the way your legs wobbled, and he knew you were well aware of what you were to expect once the fragile door of the office closed behind the two of you. Alfie knew that the wobble of your legs derived from excitement and not from fear. You could scowl and reprimand him all you wanted, but you both knew that you loved his possessiveness at the end of the day.

He watched you walk away, his anger simmering down just a wee bit before he turned his head to the two men standing in front of him. He sucked his teeth, smacked his lips and contemplated beating them with his cane before thinking twice of it.

“What the fuck are you two still doing ‘ere?” His roar was enough to have them scatter like mice.

Alfie huffed and turned around, following in your footsteps to his office where you were waiting.

“How many times have I told you, right, to not fuckin’ walk in here when I’m working, woman?” He walked in and closed the door behind him.

He struggled to contain his anger when he saw you sitting on his desk, legs crossed over each other and his eyes immediately went to the sliver of skin where the hem of your dress had ridden up on your thigh. Alfie’s first instinct was to march up and grab the delicate skin until you squirmed, but he stopped himself.

He gripped his cane tighter in his right hand and rubbed his forehead with the other one. “You’re fuckin’ impossible.”

You frowned. “I can’t help it if you’re possessive, Alf. That’s your problem, not mine.”

“You know how these men are.” He gritted out, gesturing behind him to the distillery. “You cannot be this dim.”

“Alfie Solomons, I know you didn’t just call me dim.” You said and Alfie paused at the tone of your voice.

You sounded annoyed but he could detect the hurt in your voice and it was enough for him to let out a grumbling sigh, stepping up to the desk where you sat. He silently admired the frown lines on your pretty face and prayed that he hadn’t shoved his foot in his mouth.

Alfie got his answer when you parted your legs enough for him to step between them, and he struggled to breathe properly when you circled them around his behind to pull him closer.

“You’re my girl, yeah?” He muttered, bringing a hand up to cradle your cheek.

“Woman.” You protested softly, welcoming the touch as his silent apology.

You watched as his eyes appraised you and held back from preening when he grunted in appreciation and what you knew were hunger as his eyes trailed your body before landing on your face.

“And what a fucking woman you are.” He said lowly, using his hand on your cheek to pull you in for a kiss.

The clatter of the cane falling to the floor didn’t deter you as he let go of it in order to grab you by the waist, pulling you in closer as he deepened the kiss. You moaned into his mouth, not caring if anyone heard you. Alfie pinched the top of your arse in retaliation and you squealed.

“Alfie!” You sounded scandalised but the enormous smile on your lipstick smeared lips said otherwise.

Alfie admired his artwork with a smug smile, knowing that his mouth probably looked a mess too.

“Don’t Alfie me, woman.” He pressed an open mouthed kiss to your lips that tasted a lot like a promise. “This is just a preview of what I’ll be doing to you tonight.”

* * * * *

Welp, that turned sexual. But hello! Hi! Surprise, here’s me answering to an ask five hundred years later. I was in a writing mood so.. hope you enjoy x

[hidden-otaku-stuff]

Lockscreens (ch.10)

tw: insecurities, minor anger-driven violence

Word count: 3.85k

Genre: Angst, fluff

All trigger warnings will be tagged and posted at the beginning of each chapter! This will have *manga spoilers*

Pairings: Bokuto x fem!reader, Kuroo x fem!reader

Summary: Nearly four years ago, Bokuto left the love of his life for volleyball. Despite all the time, he’s still very much in love with her. He comes home to a major surprise leaving him wondering…What happened while he was gone?

Masterlist | prev | next

ch. 10: All Caught Up (Present)

Present, the day after the game

“Bokuto-sehsu, that was a fantastic match last night! How are you feeling today?” 

“Thank you so much Au-san! We worked really hard, and we’re so happy for a MSBY Jackal victory,” he beamed, crossing his legs and leaning forward slightly. “I’m feeling great.”

“How do you guys normally celebrate after a win?”

“Well, we’ll normally go out for a bite to eat or something.” He adjusted his sports jacket, hands fiddling with the zipper. “If we’d just flown in that night though, we’d normally head off to bed after eating something in the hotel restaurant.”

“You guys must be hungry after all that running and jumping!” She laughed. “You’re from Tokyo right? What’s the best place for a post-game meal?”

He nodded eagerly. “Yes, I was actually the ace at Fukurodani Academy when I was in high-school. We normally go to Gyu-Kaku by the stadium after a hard-fought game, win or lose. I actually took the team there last night.”

“Gyu-Kaku? That’s actually one of my favourites!” They both laughed. “Now, obviously you’ve been involved with volleyball for a good majority of your life. I gotta ask, is there anything you regret about it?” Bokuto froze, his mind running this way and that. 

He wasn’t sure why this question was always asked, and he swallowed the weight of the lies on his tongue as he repeated the same lies he had lived and breathed for the past four years.  Bokuto forced a grin, “No, not at all. I love volleyball, it’s always been there for me. I’m so happy that I have a chance to continue with it as my career.” 

“Speaking of love, any special lady in your life?” 

The corner of his mouth twitched as he forced out a laugh, his heart shattering. Of course. Just another bachelor on the MSBY team. “Not at this time,” he acknowledged, knuckles whitening. Bokuto could almost feel the jagged edges of the pieces of his heart that he’d clumsily tried to reassemble. “It’s hard balancing all the travel and practice with a dating life.” 

“Well hopefully you’ll find someone willing to do that for you.” Au smiled. “Well folks, that’s all the time we have today. Thank you for coming out!”  

As Bokuto left the studio from his live interview, he let out an extensive sigh. It wasn’t often that interviewers asked him about his past, but he supposed it was expected considering he was local to Tokyo. He turned down the street, letting his music fade in the background as he remembered his past. Bokuto still couldn’t believe that he had run into (Name) yesterday, let alone that she was married to Kuroo for gods’ sake. He sighed, face darkening. Kuroo had been the one to introduce them after all. 

“Hey Bokuto, I want you to meet someone. Come to Gym 3 later for extra practice!” A hand clapped onto his back, sending the wing-spiker lurching forward. Glancing up, he nodded at the other first-year male. 

“Who else will be there?”

Kuroo shrugged, grinning. “You’ll just have to come and see, won’t you?”  

After all the practices, Bokuto entered Gym 3 to find it empty. He picked a corner, placing his bag and stuff down before taking a sip from his water bottle. “You’re Bokuto right?” The spiker jumped, dropping his bottle. He cursed, bending down as he picked it up. A soft giggle had him looking up. “I’m (L.Name, Name),” she introduced, bending beside him as she began to towel up the split water. Bokuto stared at her, open-mouthed. “You were really good today!” She beamed, standing up with the soiled towels. 

“Thank you,” he stammered, moving to stand beside her. “What school are you from?” 

She tucked her hair behind her ear, “Nekoma.”

“Oh! You must be Kuroo’s friend?” 

(Name) laughed, eyes sparkling. “You can say that. We've been friends since grade school.” 

Golden eyes widened. “He mentioned wanting to introduce me to someone. That must be you.”

“Funny, Kuroo said the same thing about you.” She bowed. “I’ll be in your care, Bokuto-san.” His cheeks glowed as he pulled her up from her bow. 

Bokuto frowned, arriving at his temporary lodging. Under different circumstances, he would’ve asked to stay with (Name) after reconnecting, but the circumstances being what they were, he figured renting out a place for the month would be better. He sat on his couch, lips pursed. Bokuto’s phone vibrated against his thigh. “Hello?”

“Bokuto-san.”

“Akaashi!”

“I heard that you were back in Tokyo?”

Bokuto stood, his bitter expression lightening up just enough for a smile. He stood up, making his way to his kitchen. “Yes, I am! I’ll be here for a month.”

“How exciting,” Bokuto could hear the smile in Akaashi’s voice. “If you’re free, let’s meet up? I haven’t seen you in quite a while.” Bokuto filled up a glass of water, sipping it.

“I always have time for you, Akaashi!” Bokuto boomed, causing Akaashi to chuckle. 

“Thank you, Bokuto-san. I have to go now. I hope you’re doing well.” 

“See you soon, Akaashi.” 

Bokuto stood in the deafening silence of his kitchen. A heavy sigh left him, shoulders sagging. Akaashi’s calming presence had soothed some of his anxiety about being alone, but it was also a stark reminder that he was alone. Weary golden eyes scanned the kitchen.

“Kou! You’re making a mess,” she squealed, grabbing at his hands. He had been frantically whipping the bowl of cookie dough, causing it to splatter everywhere.

“No, I’m not!” He argued.

She pulled it away, wiping a bit of the splatter off of her cheek. “You sure about that?”

“Okay, maybe.” Bokuto sighed, grabbing a towel to try and wipe down the counter. He was startled when cold liquid landed on his cheek. “Huh?” He whirled around, wiping at his cheek to find a splatter of the dough on his cheeks. “Oh you’re gonna get it,” he grinned. A handful of flour went flying at her as she attempted to run around the island.

“Kou!” She shrieked, the flour landing all over her face. (Name) lunged for an egg, smashing it on top of his head. She froze, eyes widening at the silly sight. “Oh my god, you look ridiculous!” 

“You’ve got three seconds.” Bokuto wiped the dripping egg whites off of his forehead. 

She backed up, tripping over her own feet. “You wouldn’t do anything drastic, right Kou?” She cooed, panic rising in her voice.

“Of course not, love. I just wanna hug you!” With that, he lunged and cracked an egg down her shirt. Laughter filled the air as they chased each other around, their plan to make cookies long-forgotten.

He sighed. If only he could turn back time. Maybe he’d have this taste of domesticity for the rest of his life. A home instead of a temporary apartment. Someone who would come rushing to greet him once he came home instead of the void left in his heart and bed. Bokuto sighed just before his phone vibrated in his hand. 

Future wifey: When did you want to meet?

****

The next day...

“So, Bokuto is back in town? And (Name) is meeting him right now?” Kenma had Hikori on his lap, showing him how to play Minecraft. Kuroo was lounging on the bean-bag, alternating between watching his son and staring at his phone.

“Pretty much.” Kuroo sighed.

“How are you feeling about it?” Kenma patted Hikori’s head, pointing at something on the screen.

“I’m fine.” 

“No you’re not. If you were, you wouldn’t be sitting there sulking.” Kenma eyed his best friend disdainfully. “Not that I’m complaining, you know I enjoy Hikori’s company.” His yellow eyes surveyed the screen. “You can mine those blocks, Hiki.”

“Ok, Ken-san!” Hikori’s pink tongue stuck out as he examined the keyboard to press the right buttons.

“Fine, you’re right. I’m worried.”

“Why?”

“What if she still wants Bokuto?” Kuroo hesitated, chewing on his bottom lip. “I mean, they were together for almost four years.” Hazel eyes gazed with affection and a glimmer of resignation at his son. Turmoil overwhelmed him. Would Hikori prefer his biological father over him? Would she prefer Bokuto? No matter what, it had always felt that Bokuto was her first love, not him. “And they have something...permanently tying them together.”

“You’ve also been with her for the same amount of time.” Kenma cleared his throat, shifting his sharp gaze away from Kuroo. “I think that connection is more-so between you and her,” Kenma shrugged. “It’s not like he was involved other than genetically.”

“That wasn’t his fault though,” Kuroo argued. “If he hadn’t gotten the deal that day, he would’ve known and it would be him here instead of me.” 

 “But he did and it is you, not him.” Kenma looked down at his friend. “You’ve known each other for almost fifteen years. You’ve loved her for a majority of that time, whether you knew it or not.” He took control of the mouse, helping Hikori fight off a zombie. “She’s loved you for just as long. It doesn’t matter what they had together. You’ve already beat him in every possible way.” A smirk made its way onto his face as he watched Hikori play. “You’ve maxed your friendship levels. He’d have to start over at this point.” 

Kuroo rolled his eyes. “You’re such a gamer.”

“A rich one.” 

Kuroo’s face brightened as he cackled. “Thanks Kenma. You always know how to cheer me up.”

“Our friendship points are maxed out too, Kuro.”   

“Ken-san!” Hikori pointed at the screen excitedly. “I just caught this!”

“Good job, Hiki.” Kenma patted the boy’s head affectionately.

****

A few days later...

“Akaashi?”

“Yes, Bokuto-san?”

“Can we meet up?”

“Of course. I’ll text you the address of a pearl drink place, okay?”

Akaashi hung up, sighing. It had been years since he heard Bokuto so...depressed. The wing-spiker had worked hard to overcome his “emo” modes from high school, and it no longer affected him during games, but apparently something brought it back and Akaashi had an idea of what that it might be…

“So you met (Name)?”

Bokuto nodded, chewing on the tapioca balls. “Yeah, we ran into each other at the game a few days ago.”

Akaashi hesitated. “How was that?” 

“S’okay, I guess.” Bokuto shrugged, spinning in the raised chair. The two sat in bar-stools at Akaashi’s favorite pearl tea shop. Though, it was only his favorite since it was so close to his work-place. “We met up to talk the other day and caught up. I didn’t know she and Kuroo got married.”

The former setter hummed. “Yeah, they got married before Hikori was born.”

Bokuto threw his arms up. “That’s the thing! I didn’t even know they were talking together. Let alone that they were interested in each other like that.” Bokuto sighed, running a hand through his disheveled hair. “I can’t believe I came back to find my best friend having a baby with my ex-girlfriend.”

Akaashi tilted his head, twisting the straw wrapper. “I’m more surprised you didn’t come back sooner with all things considered.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Akaashi cleared his throat, “I figured you would visit more after finding out that Hikori is your son.”

Bokuto froze, short-circuiting. “He’s what?”

Akaashi paused, looking up from his pearl drink. “She didn’t tell you?” His eyebrows furrowed. “They promised that they would.”

“Congratulations, Kuroo-san.” Akaashi nodded at Kuroo and (Name). They were at (Name)’s house as she hosted Hikori’s ‘Sip and See’ party and Aya’s baby shower. The coworkers had become exceptionally close after being joined together by parenthood. The expecting mother was entertaining other guests in the living room while (Name) and Kuroo entertained their guests in the backyard.   

“Do you want to hold him, Akaashi?” (Name) offered, arms cradling a bundle of blankets.

Akaashi smiled, bowing slightly. “If you don’t mind.”

“Of course, I trust you.” She giggled, gently placing Hikori into Akaashi’s arms.

“I’ll be back, love.” Kuroo kissed (Name)’s head, nodding at Akaashi before heading over to greet his coworkers. 

Akaashi rocked Hikori slightly, a gentle smile on his face. “He has his eyes, y’know.” (Name) murmured, looking down at her son and carding through his soft locks. 

“Does he now?” Akaashi hummed. Hikori yawned, opening up his eyes as he woke up from his nap. With wide golden eyes, Hikori reached for Akaashi’s face. Akaashi chuckled, bringing his finger to Hikori’s small chubby hands. The baby squealed with laughter as he grabbed onto Akaashi’s index finger. “Does Bokuto-san know?” Akaashi peeked up at (Name).

“Not yet.”

Kuroo returned, catching their conversation. Akaashi kept his attention on (Name). “Will you tell him?” 

“Of course Akaashi.” Akaashi fixed her with a hard stare, raising an eyebrow. “I promise, we’ll tell him.” 

“Akaashi.” Gunmetal eyes slid to look over at Kuroo who grabbed his shoulder and squeezed. “We promise, Bokuto will know.” 

“I have to go.”

“Good luck, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi called after him as Bokuto sprinted out of the store.

****

“Thanks for coming in! Be sure to keep doing those stretches at home, okay?�� She instructed, waving her client out. She stepped out of the hall, leaving one of the dance studios.

“Hey (Name)?” The receptionist called urgently, waving at the female.

“Yes? Is everything okay?” (Name) walked forward. Rei approached her, bending to whisper into her ear.

“There’s someone here for you. He’s been pacing the lobby for quite some time now.”

“Who is it?” Her eyes widened, brows furrowing. She didn’t have any more clients that day. (Name) glanced at her watch, it was almost time to pick up Hikori from the on-site day-care center. 

“He said his name was Bokuto?” (Name)’s jaw clenched, fingers twitching in agitation. “Oh, do you know him?” Rei asked, cocking her head. She could only nod, a million thoughts running through her mind. 

“Yeah, thanks for telling me Rei. I’ll go see him right now.” She smoothed out her clothes, taking a deep breath before she stepped into the lobby. “Bokuto?” True to Rei’s words, Bokuto was anxiously pacing up and down the lobby, looking over his shoulder at the double doors every few steps. Bokuto looked like a mess. His hair was all-over the place, golden eyes red. At the sound of her voice, Bokuto whipped around. His lip was swollen and bruised, no doubt from apprehensive chewing. 

“(Name)!” Bokuto sprinted towards her. “We need to talk.”

“It appears we do.” She looked around the lobby. “C’mon, let’s go to my office.” 

Silence clung to them as they took the stairs up to her office, which had been moved to a different wing. As soon as she shut the door, Bokuto whirled on her. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“That Hikori is my son!” He slammed his palm onto her desk, startling her.

Tears welled up in her eyes. “I...we...I was going to tell you,” she whispered. “When Hikori was older.” 

Name let out a sigh of relief, tugging the blanket under Hikori’s chin. Muscular arms snaked around her waist as the couple stood staring down at their baby. “Let him sleep,” Kuroo whispered into her ear, pressing a chaste kiss to her cheek and gently tugging her towards the door. Kuroo slipped out first while she paused to turn on some classical music. Her husband was bustling around the kitchen, pouring them mugs of warmed milk. “Is everything okay?” He asked, glancing up at her.

“Do you think we should tell Bokuto?”

Kuroo’s hands froze as he stopped mixing honey in, eyes focused on the mug with an unreadable expression. “Bokuto?” 

She hummed in response. (Name) stepped in between his arms, wrapping her arms around his chest. “I mean, biologically that’s his child.” Kuroo hesitated as a hand reassuringly rubbed his back. “Hikori is still your son,” she clarified, “and he always will be.” (Name) pulled back, looking up at Kuroo, her lips brushing his cheek. ‘But I think he’d want to know. Heavens knows you would want to if the situation was reversed.” She shrugged as she bit her bottom lip. “Bokuto doesn’t need to know any time soon.”

Kuroo nodded reluctantly, resting his forehead on hers. “Why don’t we wait until Hikori is old enough to decide whether or not he wants to meet Bokuto?” he suggested, closing his eyes. “Introducing Bokuto too soon might cause confusion or unnecessary stress to Hiki.”

A puff of warm air blew across his face as she contemplated his offer. “That’s fair. He isn’t missing a father figure and he might get confused.” Her eyes glowed with determination. “Alright. Let’s hold off on telling him until he’s old enough to understand.”  Kuroo pressed a kiss first to her forehead then her lips. “Thank you for being so understanding, love.”

Kuroo let out a soft laugh. “Anything for you, my love.”  

“Don’t you think I had a right to know?” Bokuto was pacing around her office, aggravation evident in all of his movements. Fear locked her jaw. “Why didn’t you tell me when we met up the other day?” He snarled, running his hand through his hair again. The knock at her door shook her out of her reverie.

She cleared her throat, glancing at the door. “Yes?”

“(Nickname)? Are you ok?” 

She swallowed, steadying her voice and steeling her nerves. “Yeah, Iwaizumi. I’m fine, just dropped something.”

“Alright then. I’m next door if you need anything!”

“Thank you!” She pinched her nose, taking more deep breaths. “Look, Bokuto. You left.” She hissed, jabbing a finger into his chest. “Years ago. I didn’t hear from you until. This. Week.”

“That’s not my fault!” Bokuto argued, grabbing her wrist. “You told me to go!” He threw her hand away from him, golden eyes narrowed.  

“I did.” She nodded, closing her eyes. Her nostrils flared as she took deep breaths. “I wanted you to be happy and to be the pro-player you always wanted to be.” 

“Babe, guess what?” She looked up from the tea-cup that sat in front of her, over the pastries as (e/c) eyes made contact with gold. Her eyebrows quirked up as she took a sip. Bokuto could hardly contain his own excitement as he blurted out, “I just got scouted!” 

Her eyes widened, choking slightly on the hot beverage. “Really? That’s great!” 

He nodded eagerly. “Yeah, it’s a two-year contract for now. They want to send me to their training camp starting next week and I’ll be gone for the next six months. After that, I’m going to officially join the team and everything!” A soft pout made its way to his face as he played with his fingers. He didn’t want to leave her - not when she was so close to finishing up school. “That means I have to leave this weekend.” 

Delicately placing the tea-cup down, a soft hand reached out for his. “Kou, it’s okay. This is the opportunity you’ve been looking for all of your life.” (Name) swallowed thickly, causing him to tilt his head at her. What was the matter? But his worries were quelled with her next words. “I’m not going to keep you here. Please, go live your life and you better be the best ace out there, okay?” 

Apprehension bubbled in his stomach, something didn’t feel right. He grasped her hand harder, fixing her with a paralysing golden stare. “We can make this work! I’ll come home to visit, and we’ll call every day, I promise.” Silently, he promised to himself, ‘And when you’re finished with school, I will come back and bring you with me.’ 

The corner of her lips graced him with a timid smile. “I’m sure we can.” 

“I love you.” Bokuto’s plush lips caressed her hand, squeezing it tightly once more. His heart felt warm knowing that he had her support. Knowing that he had a plan for their future now. Excitement filled him once more as he imagined it. Him, established in his professional volleyball career. Her, joining him in Osaka and building her own future as they joined their lives together as full-fledged adults.  

She squeezed back, looking at their intertwined hands. “I love you too.” 

His eyes widened, the memory hitting him out of nowhere sending a surge of fury through him. Bokuto lunged towards her, both hands now clasped onto her wrists. “Does Hikori know?” Bokuto demanded.

Her eyes widened. “Kou, that hurts,” she whimpered, trying to tug out of his grip.

“Does Hikori know?” Bokuto trembled like a leaf during the season's change.

“No, he doesn’t.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “We were going to wait until he was older so that he would understand.”

“So you hid it from both of us?” Bokuto scoffed. Hurt and anger crossed his expression. “Why would you lie?”

(Name) yanked her arms away, rage surging through her. Red marks were left on her arms and were rubbed furiously. “Bokuto, you left me. You ghosted me. You have absolutely no right to come in here demanding jack-shit from me after that.” She let out a deep laugh, eyes glinting dangerously. “Why would I tell my son that his father abandoned his mother especially when there was already someone else there to love and raise him?”

At her words, Bokuto deflated, anger dissipating completely. “I’m...I’m sorry, (Name). I didn’t…I.” Bokuto collapsed onto her patient table, face buried into his palms. “I’m so sorry,” he whimpered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Or to abandon you. It was just so hard, I didn’t want to hold you back.” Hot tears dripped down his face and splattered onto the ground. “Fuck, (Name). I was in so much pain when I left. I didn’t…I couldn’t…Not like this.” Bokuto’s body shook in sobs. Her anger faded as she watched him. Pity overwhelmed her, causing her throat to tighten.

She stepped closer, hesitantly wrapping her arms around his quivering form. Bokuto stiffened before burying his face into her shoulder. “It’s okay, Kou. I know,” she cooed softly. 

His body trembled as he clung onto her, struggling to breath. “I know I don’t deserve it but I...I wanna try again. Can I just try to be a part of Hikori’s life? We don’t even need to get back together,” he rambled in sheer desperation, tears soaking into her shirt. How could they? He had been replaced long ago and he hadn’t even realised it. “He doesn’t need to know that I’m his dad. Not yet.” Another sob tore through his body as his grip tightened. “I just want to be a part of his life. Is that okay?” 

(Name) bit her lip, glancing at the picture frame on her desk. Hikori and Kuroo stared back at her. Hikori was perched on Kuroo’s shoulders as they wandered the festival streets waiting for the firework show. 

“Please.” He whispered hoarsely, pulling back to reveal golden eyes that glistened with pain. “I know I don’t deserve your kindness. But please.” Bokuto took a shaky breath only to break out into harsher sobs. “Please (Name).”

*****

Fun Facts

💟 “Au” means ‘meeting’

💟 Though he was used to answering the ‘regrets’ question, it never not easier for Bokuto

💟 Bokuto had planned on renting the apartment for only a week - enough time to meet up with (Name) and then ask to stay with her, but ultimately extended his reservation in order to recuperate 

💟 Kuroo had never really gotten over his insecurities about Hikori’s birth

💟 Kenma loved showing Hikori how to play games, and they would often meet up monthly for game nights. (Name) refused to put Hikori in the spotlight though so Kenma wasn’t allowed to stream whenever Hikori was over

💟 Bokuto was overwhelmed with his own emotions and insecurities regarding Kuroo’s relationship with (Name) [more on this next chapter] 

💟 Japanese people call milk-tea/boba/bubble tea drinks ‘tapoica juice’ 

💟 Akaashi never brought it up to Bokuto because he assumed that Bokuto would have mentioned it to him if he wanted to talk about it. Unfortunately, Akaashi was not surprised about how things ended up happening 

💟 (Name) was surprised that Bokuto remembered where she worked. When they had met-up, Bokuto had seemed zoned out for a majority of it. 

💟 (Name)’s office was moved closer to Iwaizumi’s office due to reasons

💟 (Name) isn’t the type to get angry. But when Bokuto started making demands while getting angry and violent, she couldn’t help but lash out. She had been suppressing her own rage at him for years

*****

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[nastyboyluke]

late night video chats - lrh

anon asked: Here’s an imagine idea.. a girl and Luke are on FaceTime and they pull an all nighter doing crazy , fun and cute stuff and confess that they have feelings for each other (they’re still not in a relationship)

tHIS IS SUCH A CUTE IDEA MA HART <3333 HOPE YOU ENJOY LOVE XX ps there is so much ed sheeran going on in this imagine because i was listening to + writing it. it was very emo and fluffy night rip

it was a normal saturday evening, you were laying on your bed, listening to music while going on twitter to chat up on tea going on in the world. as you were looking at a thread of vines, a notification popped up at the top of your phone.

as your eyes scanned, it was a message from your best friend luke. the two of you have been friends since your first day of uni, in whole new land you’ve never been—australia.

cheese toastie 💛: y/n!!!

you smiled, tapping on the notification, opening fully to imessage

‘yesss :-)’

cheese toastie 💛: im so bored and i dont feel like sleeping tonight idk why but you wanna face time all night?

a giggle left your lips as you read the message at his silly excuse to talk to you. although you were friends with luke, your feelings couldnt help but further into stronger feelings for the blue eyed aussie.

‘sure let me get my laptop and ill call you when im ready lol’

cheese toastie 💛: ill be waiting <3

little things like luke simple sending a heart would make your heart flutter with happiness. but deep down you knew luke didn’t see that way. he did it in a friendly way. in fact, he even told you he had a major crush on girl but he’s not sure whether or not he should tell her how he felt because he didn’t want to possibly ruin the friendship they have now.

it hurt that you knew luke had eyes on someone else, but you were happy for him none the less.

once you got your laptop ready to go hooked up to a charger, you opened up facetime, clicking on lukes contact. it only took a second for him to answer. next thing you knew you were looking at his little button nose and blue eyes.

“hello?” his mouth was obviously very close to the mic because it boomed through your laptops speakers.

you laughed loudly at how silly he was. “hey weirdo.” you continued to giggle. luke pulled the camera back, so you could see him fully. he rested his phone on whatever it was, checking that it wouldnt fall.

you were 99.9% sure luke was looking at himself in the corner as he was checking his hair before clearing his throat and waving at you.

“are you done checking yourself out lucas?” you asked, grabbing a pillow to hug in your arms.

“dont act you were watching, y/n” he rolled his eyes. luke had pulled a tub of ice cream into frame with a big spoon. “welcome to my muckbang! wait, muckabang or mookbong? im so confused with how you pronounce it.”

“i think its pronounced mookbang. im pretty sure.” you shrugged, watching him spoon some ice cream into his mouth.

“weird. anyways, hows your day?” luke smiled, tilting to the side like a puppy.

“im okay. can i copy your notes by the way for music theory?” you asked, cuddling your pillow. luke looked so cute, he had messy hair with small bags under his eyes with his unshaven face and a pink floyd shirt that feels he practically lives in.

“oops, kinda forgot to do that too. it’s okay we can get starbucks and do it together then.” he shrugged, shoving more ice cream into his mouth. oh did you forget, that his lipring? yeah thats super hot.

for a while, you and luke talked about school, and what was coming—mainly exams which none of you weren’t looking for—until you were just watching him to continue to eat ice cream.

“y/n?”

“yes?”

luke was about to get serious, you sensed it. because he sat his ice cream aside and was sitting up now in his seat. “you know that girl i told you about?”

“yeah, but why wont you just tell me her name rather then just calling her ‘the girl?’” you pouted, folding your arms across your chest.

“because… you know her and like—i dont know—i just dont want to!” luke was now pouting making you giggle.

“oh my god—its zoe isnt it?! or ashley?!” you gasped.

“no! its none of them! ANYWAYS,” he sighed, luke began to fiddle around with his lip ring. aw, he was getting so nervous talking about her. “i think im gonna finally tell her. like really, really soon.”

a smile went across your lips, although you were sad on the inside, you still gotta cheer your best friend on. “really?! wait oh my god you should do it now! i wanna see this go own live.”

“maybe later. i dunno.” he shrugged, his cheeks were pink. luke grabbed his ice cream again. “its time for a dance party nowwwwww.” he got up from his seat, coming back with his laptop. he began to play shape of you by ed sheeran, dancing in your seat.

the both of you were singing along to the years, bopping along to the song. although your music tastes were very different, one thing you and luke will always agree was on ed sheeran. in fact, the two of you even went to see him concert a few months back and you had the time of the life.

luke at this point was up on his couch, swaying his hips and screaming the lyrics. you laughed so hard that your ribs began to hurt. the sugar in the ice cream was definetly kicking into his system.

this continued for another two hours, making it already midnight. after laughing so much at how stupid luke had been, your stomach pratically hurt. finally the boy settled down, grabbing a blanket, wrapping it around him.

“i wish we could cuddle right now, its fuckin cold in my apartment.” he groaned, lowering his music so you could hear him.

“ha its the perfect temperature in my place.” you stuck your tongue out at the camera. the blue eyed boy simply just rolled his eyes and continued to groan.

“luke can you sing me my favorite song?” you asked, giving him a big smile. “pleaseeeee?”

“why should i?” luke asked, already grabbing his guitar and a pick off his coffee table, checking if it was in tune.

“because youre my fwend.” you said in your baby voice making him giggle a little bit.

“okay only because you’re my best fwend.”

lukes calloused fingers began to pluck at the strings to create the tune of lego house by ed sheerans. lukes strong yet soft voice belted out the beautiful words of ed, making your heart swell. you watched the boy quickly get deep into the song and his feelings, keeping his eyes shut majority of time. however, when luke did open his eyes, he looked at you.

just as luke got deep into the song, you did too. so much at tears streamed down your cheeks.

“and its a dark cold decemeber, but ive got you keep me warm

if youre broken, ill mend you

and keep you sheltered from the storm thats raging now.”

he sang the last part, opening his beautiful crystal eyes, looking at you wide eyed.

“are you crying? im sorry! i didnt mean to!” he began to panic, luke hated to see you cry.

“you’re just that good of a singer luke,” you laughed, wiping your tears. “you make me cry.”

he gave you a little smile, putting his guitar aside. luke picked up his phone, walking somewhere, then was now laying down in his bed. you sniffled, wiping your eyes as you watched his sleepy face.

“can i tell you a secret?” the boy asked softly. you nodded for him to proceed with what he wanted to say. “the girl that i’ve been telling you about, well, it’s you. you’re the girl.” once luke said those words, a small giggle left his lips. he searched your face through the screen to see how you felt, but he wasn’t sure.

you however, sat there in shock. “you—you like me?” you stuttered looking, going wide eyed now.

“yes, y/n, i like you—like a lot.” luke was smiling big, running his finger through his hair.

“oh my god.” you laughed out loud to the ceiling. “you’re not joking right?”

luke laughed now. “no im not! why would i joke about that with you!”

you smiled back at him, tugging at your bottom lip with your teeth. “i like you too luke. i thought never in a million years that you would have feelings for me back.”

“well i do.” he stuck his tongue out at you. “i wish i could—kiss you.” once those words left his lips, luke’s cheek went pink.

“then come over and make it a reality.”

-

next thing you knew, you were running to the door once luke texted you that he was here. when you swung the door open, you looked at him. the blue eyed boy took a step forward, grabbing your face as your arms went around his waist.

“i’ve been dreaming about this moment forever.” you whispered. luke let out a gentle laugh before connecting your lips with his.

[wandering-through-wonder-land]

I have a writing prompt! What if... Deceit was a main part of Thomas at first. But then the light sides start to change everything. Deceit angst? >:)

Hoo guuuuurrrrrlllll! Two days and it’s done! I hope you like it! I do, even if it broke my heart at times while writing it. Heh, ;)Not One of Us, (Anymore).Deceit remembered a time when he had been accepted, when he hadn’t been shunnedor hated, when he hadn’t been Deceit. He remembered before he had a physicalform, when his being had merely existed in a void of nothingness, aconsciousness without a body, without a care but to do his job. He couldremember what it had been like back then, not breathing, not moving, not speaking,just thinking, just existing. He hadobserved Thomas’s life, birth and onward, without ever living a life of hisown. He watched, and he advised. He watched as the boy grew, as he learned, ashe bonded with others, as he was hurt, and as he healed. Through it all he wasthere to whisper words of encouragement, a voice disembodied in the darkness,echoing out into the nothingness, a gentle comfort. Back then he had beenReassurance, not Deceit.

His existence never changed, and there he stayed, within thedarkness, watching, comforting, observing, calming. The day Thomas broke hisarm he whispered that it would heal. When the boy accidentally broke hismother’s vase, he had shushed him with reminders of his mother’s love andpromises of her forgiveness. When the family pet had to be put down due to age,he reminded the child that there was nothing he could have done. Thomas didn’tunderstand a school assignment and he assured him that he had plenty of time tolearn. This was his job, and this was all he did: Reassure the child of whatwas true when he became distraught.

Then one day he couldn’t do that, and it broke somethingdeep inside of him, he wanted so badly to reassure the child that everythingwould be fine when his grandfather fell ill���. but he couldn’t. It wasn’t true.So he lied. He told the boy that it would be alright, he told him that hisgrandfather would heal, that the old man would come home once again, that hewould hear deep laughter ringing through the halls once again. He promised thathe wouldn’t die. He swore that Thomas had no reason to worry. And then hisgrandfather had died. And he had known all along that he was lying to thechild.

He had thought little of it, the minor guilt he felt fordeceiving the now distraught child giving way to the knowledge that Thomas hadnot been inconsolable with grief the last few months. Now he did his proper jobagain, reminding him of his grandfather’s love, reassuring him that his belovedelder was no longer in pain, that he would see him again one day. And in time,Thomas stopped crying. That should have been the end of it, things should havegone back to normal. But they didn’t.

The consequences of the boy having lied to himself formonths became clear all too quickly. He started to think to himself that maybe,when he broke the lamp, he could say that he tripped rather than saying that hewas playing around. He thought that maybe he could say he lost his book ratherthan admitting that he just didn’t want to read it. When he was upset he saidhe was fine. He didn’t do his chores and he said he forgot. He, as manychildren do, learned that lying could ease his path just a bit, get him out oftrouble and hide things he didn’t want to be known…. He had learned thatsometimes lies hurt far less than the truth. And through it all, Reassurancetold him that it would be alright. That things would be fine, that he would beforgiven if he got caught and that there was no need to be afraid if he didn’t.Oh, how he had never meant for his reassurances to turn into this….

The force of Thomas learning to lie, of needing morereassurances because of it, warped the void around him. He hadn’t expected it,and he almost failed to reassure himself that everything was ok. Thenothingness changed from and inky black to an ashy grey, seeming to move aroundhim, shapes like shadows peeking through the darkness, until they solidified. Abox of dark grey, the top and bottom of which were black, a bed draped inyellow sheets and black blankets, a dresser and wardrobe of glossy black, and adoor a deep brown framed in yellow.

He seemed to hover at the center of it all, his beingshifting and changing as he took it all in. He felt lighter than he ever had,yet impossibly heavier, it took him a moment to realize this was because he hadnever had a body with which to experience either of these sensations. The roomsoftly stopped shifting as he was set down, everything around him solidifying. 

A sudden softness startled him, and he looked down. Two barefeet were resting in a black rug so soft you could almost sink into it anddisappear. ‘Was that where it had comefrom? That strange sensation?’ He could see those feet leading into legs thatdisappeared in soft back pants, where the pants ended he could see the faintoutline of hips. Above that was a gentle curve that lead up into a firmer section…astomach, and a chest…these too were encased in fabric, a deep charcoal grey.Two pale arms hung loosely at either side, soft grey encircling them as well. Hestared, trying to comprehend what was happening.

A sudden sensation flared in the center of his being -pain,he distantly realized – and something higher up unhinged -his jaw he dimly notedlater on- a gasping sound echoing in newly formed ears as coldness raced down intohis being and into the now expanding chest he was staring at. ‘This… this was his body. And that was…. hewas breathing. How? And why?’

He knew, of course, that there were pieces of Thomas’spersonality that had physical forms: Morality, Logic, Creativity. But he alsoknew there were far more pieces that did not: Calm, Self-Preservation,Fight-or-Flight…. him. So why did he have a physical form now? The other threewere an integral part of Thomas’s personality, making up the majority of hisvery being, his every action and who he was. Having a physical form betterenabled them to interact with each other and do their jobs… ‘Oh. Was that it? Was he here now because Thomas needed him more?’

That was not…. ideal. That his host should be in so muchdistress as to need him in a physical form, but he would do his job as best hecould. There was no use worrying over it now. He faced the door and paused amoment, deciding to take a day and learn how to navigate this body, how to useit properly, and to familiarize himself with his surroundings, before he wentthrough that opening. He figured out how to walk and run, how to twist and turnhis body, how to move his limbs, and how far he could move before it hurt. Heopened his mouth and learned how to speak, only biting his tongue a few timesat the unfamiliar sensation. As he lay down that night, he looked to theceiling and saw little white dots scattered along its expanse, glowing. ‘Stars’. He realized. He smiled softly ashe counted them, remembering what Thomas’s grandfather had always told theyoung boy before he passed:

“Look to the stars,Dear Boy. When all seems lost, look to the stars and find your way.” 

***

The next day he descended the stairs, more than a littleworried, but reminding himself that he was meant to be here, that he wouldbelong here. That he would not have been given physical form if that were nottrue. So he bolstered his own spirits and walked onward, pausing at the bottomof the stairs to take in his surroundings. The commons were a simple andspacious area, giving off a feeling of home. It had been his intention tosurvey his entire surroundings, but his focus was broken as his eyes rested onone of the couches, at its center sat another man. His attention was completelytaken by studying the other, their surroundings forgotten. The man was clad indark blue with a tie cinched around his neck, thick framed glasses framing deepbrown eyes. He seemed calm, if his measured movements as he turned the pages ofhis book and the general stillness were any indication.

 After a few momentsthose eyes flicked up to him, a page pausing halfway through a turn, a clinicalgaze sweeping over him once, analyzing. He put the book down, quiet and calm.“Ah, I see you’ve come down. We did notice your door last night, but I can’tsay we were expecting you so soon. No matter.” He stood, stepping a bit closerbut not within arm’s reach, a shift of attention, nothing more. “I am Logic,though you may call me Logan.”

The new trait opened his mouth to speak, but another voicecut him off. “Lo! Did he come down?!” A bouncy man with a happy grin on hisface bounded out of the kitchen, grey cardigan swinging on his shoulders, thebright blue of his shirt nearly as peppy as he himself was, glasses identicalto Logan’s framing sparkling eyes. The fatherly trait bounded over to him likean excited puppy, stopping just short of hugging him. “Heya Kiddo! Welcomedown, ‘m so glad you came out!” A deliberate clearing of a throat drew thehappy man’s attention to the Logical trait who raised a brow. The energetic mangiggled, rocking back on his heels. “Oh! How silly of me! I’m Morality, thoughmy name’s Patton! Everyone just calls me Dad though!

”A mumbled comment of ‘no we don’t’ from Logan was drownedout by a booming voice sounding from the man who just walked in the door. “Ofcourse we do Padre!” His eyes tracked to the newcomer, taking note of shouldersslightly broader than the other two, the clothing of white with a red sash, andthe self-assured smile on a tan face. The dramatic man shifted his gaze to thenew comer and grinned wider, bowing and taking his hand to press a kiss to itwith a flourish. “Ah! How lovely of you to join us! I am Prince Roman, theembodiment of Creativity!” The newest side blushed a little, finding himselfflustered. Of all the things he’d learned how to do in the last day, respondingto dramatics wasn’t one of them.

Logan rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes, enough with your theatricsRoman. Now then,” His eyes settled back on the darkly clothed side, “would youtell us your name and what your role is?”

The youngest side met his gaze and spoke clearly, a smallsmile on his lips. “I am Reassurance, and my name is Veritas.” The stoic onenodded thoughtfully. “Latin for ‘truth’. Fitting, for your role. Welcome.”

Patton grabbed his wrist and dragged him over to sit down onthe couch, the other two following suit, and Veritas allowed himself a smallsmile as the emotional man rambled to him about their home and their selves,asking him random questions about himself, the other two interjecting sometimes.He grinned to himself and answered the questions as honestly as he could. ‘Yeah’ he thought, ‘I could get used to this, to having a family.’

***

Weeks passed, and Veritas got along well with the othersides, debating different points of interest with Logan and baking with Patton,listening to the man’s silly stories and horrible puns. Heck, he’d even gone ona quest with Roman, though those weren’t really his forte he’d come to findout. He did his job happily, telling Roman that his art was beautiful and hisideas would be amazing, telling Patton that his cooking was delicious and thatit was going to be a good day, relating to Logan that he was intelligent andwould go on to do great things with what he learned. He was happy, and itseemed he made the others happy too. He was content. He should have known itwouldn’t last.In a short time his reassurances became hollow. It wasn’t his doing, but it wasinevitable that the words he was saying would become lies to those who heardthem. He didn’t mean to lie, but how could he truthfully tell Morality it wouldbe alright when the moral trait didn’t believe it? How could he tell Creativitythat his creations were wonderful when all he sees were the flaws? How could hetell Logic he was cared for when the calculating man couldn’t fathom beingworth care? Soon all he could tell to his fellow sides was lies. Thomas was not much better. The boy had begun to doubthimself, things going wrong in his life, and all Reassurance could do was tellhim it would be alright. That everything would work out. That he would be happyagain, he would be cared for, he would heal. But Thomas didn’t believe hiswords, so these too became lies.

He hated it. He hated how acrid the words felt in his mouth,the bitter taste they left behind. But it was his job to reassure the others,and most importantly Thomas, so he did, swallowing past the sick feeling itgave him and saying the words with as much calm and compassion as he could.

He continued his job for weeks, months even, feeling sickerand sicker in the pit of his stomach with each passing day. He kept reassuringthem, all of them and Thomas, day in and day out, lie after lie after lie, andthe sick feeling grew. Grew until it threatened to crawl out his throat andspew out like venom. He fought against it, reassuring himself that he was doinghis job, that he was helping the others. That they were more important than hiscomfort. He told himself it was fine, that everything would be well…. until theday it wasn’t.

Thomas was hurting, Patton on the verge of crying whileLogic laid out the facts to him. A child Thomas had hoped to be friends withhad started hurting him, and as much as it hurt Morality to turn away from afriend, Logic made it clear this wouldn’t be good for Thomas if they stayed.The confusion their disagreement caused was making Thomas upset, so Veritasopened his mouth to reassure him.

He had meant to say, ‘If you tell them you don’t want to befriends, you will still find other friends.’, but what had come out of hismouth had been “Tell them you hate them.”

His own eyes had widened in horror as Morality gasped andLogic gaped at him, and Thomas…. did as he was told. Thomas had gotten introuble, badly, and the others had blamed him. Roman had lashed out at him,yelling that this was “Your fault! If you can’t do your job, you shouldn’t beReassurance!”

It had stung, badly, even if the creative trait was right.He had sunk out to his room, a pain flaring to life on the side of his neck. Ithurt so damn bad! As soon as he was safe in his own room he tore his shirt off,rubbing at the spot and craning his neck so he could see it in the mirror. 

A green circle the size of his thumb print rested at thebase of his neck, where the top of his shoulder became his back, itchy andforeign. ‘A scale.’ He didn’tunderstand it, he didn’t know why it was there, but he ignored it. There wouldbe time to figure that out later. Except later didn’t come, there was no time to figure out the little green markhe made sure to cover with a little cloak he’d found in his wardrobe, becauseThomas was having a rough patch. Everything that could go wrong was goingwrong, and the sides were suffering for it. And Veritas tried to soothe it all.

Roman couldn’t create anything decent and was falling apartat the seams because of it.

               “It’s horrible!” - “No, it’s not, it’sbeautiful.”  

             ��My ideas are wretched!” – “Theyare wonderful.” 

              “I can’t do anything right!” –“You are brilliant, Roman.”  

             “I’ll never be a great artist!” –“You already are.” 

              “I’m a failure to Thomas!” – “Youcould never be a failure to him.”

Morality began toquestion if he was good enough, if life would be ok.   

            “We don’t have friends wholisten.” – “We have two who love us very much, they simply can’t help.” 

              “I can’t make a good dinner.” –“Your food is delicious Patton.” 

              “Everything is gloomy and it’snot getting better.” – “You make it better already Patt.” 

              “Thomas will never be happyagain.” – “Yes, he will Patt, one day, soon.” 

              “I’m a burden to Thomas and theothers.” – “You’re important to him and to us.”

Logan couldn’t learn,couldn’t absorb any more information, and he panicked, reasoning skillssuffering.

              “We’ll never amount to anythingif I can’t learn!” – “You have plenty of time to learn, this is temporary.”

              “I’m an idiot!” – “You are intelligentand diligent, Logan.” 

              “What if he never learns again?”– “He will.”               “He’ll never learn all he needsto!” – “Of course he will.” 

              “Should he go into math orscience? Arts? It’s hopeless!” – “He will follow his own path, and he will behappy, Logan.”

This continued, the odd pain the child was in not ceasingfor a long time, and with everything he said, every truth the others believedto be a lie Veritas grew sicker, until he found one day he could tell nothingbut a lie, that nothing but a twisted version of his words would come out ofhis mouth. 

Logan was having a break down, actually crying for once, hisvoice shaky with harsh breaths and clogged with tears. “He-He’s failingschool!” Thomas had gotten into trouble for having a D in math. “He won’t pass…I’m an idiot! A damn failure!”‘

No, you’re not, andhe won’t fail. You are not to blame.’ Those were the words he had tried tosay, but the sickness in his stomach reared its head, forcing its way up histhroat. “Yes, you are. He will fail, and it will be your fault.”

Logan had stopped crying, freezing in shock at the words,staring at him wide eyed as they sunk in, then he began to sob. Veritas triedto open his mouth, a fever like cold settling over his body, horror andsickness twisting in his gut. He tried to take it back, to explain, but the harshvoice of Morality cut him off before he could begin. “Veritas! How could you?!” The father figure had turned to Logan,rubbing his back and trying to console him, eyes locked on Veritas’s. “Itdoesn’t matter if it’s true or not -which it’s not!- You don’t get tosay such cruel things!”

Veritas had flinched back, a searing pain on the base of hisneck. He’d meant to open his mouth and apologize, he wanted to say he wassorry, desperately wanted to make it right. “I’m not sorry.” Was what came out. 

His eyes widened and tears started to brim in his eyes asLogan cried harder. He sunk out and fled to his room, the burning on his neckintensifying. He scrabbled to get his shirt off, checking his neck in themirror, dreading what he would see. Sure enough, settled right next to thefirst, was a second scale. It was larger than the other, nearly double the sizeand at least doubly as painful, a slightly darker shade of green. He stared atit, numbness spreading through his chest, and he cried.

***

It didn’t stop. Every time he went to reassure Thomas or theothers, a lie spilled from his lips, the very opposite of what he wanted to saytumbling out into the air between them. He watched his once calming words thathad brought such happiness and peace turn to acid, burning and scaring those hewished to help. And he couldn’t stop it. He had tried once to lie on purpose,hoping against hope that his words would twist into the opposite again, statingthe truth. Instead they had come out cruel, dripping more venom than he couldhave ever thought possible. That scale had been the size of a ping pong ball onthe side of his neck. He continued to do his job, trying to, pleading with themto understand that he wasn’t saying what he meant, eyes wide and tonedesperate… but they never understood, and every time he lied they lashed out,words nearly as venomous flying back in his face.

Every barb and every jab at him, every time they blamed himfor something going wrong, every time they spit venomous words at him, anotherscale grew on his skin…eventually it corrupted his eye, turning it yellow witha slit pupil. He covered his mirror, not wanting to see it anymore.

***

It was Roman whofinally snapped one day, they all did, but he was the worst. Children are almostnever reasonable, and it only takes one imagined slight for rivalries and crueltyto break out in their midst. This was a lesson Thomas was learning as he waswrongfully blamed for something by another child, this child having now decidedthat Thomas was their mortal enemy. Meaning the child had decided to makeThomas’s life a living hell every chance they got.

Morality had whisperedto the child that it would be alright, that he could smooth things over, thatthey could be friends even! Logic, while he had not taken such an optimisticapproach, had informed Thomas that this child who was bullying him had no legitimatereason to be angry with him, that explaining this should resolve the issue. Creativityhad decided the best way to go about this was a gift, bright and colorful andfilled with an apology and a wish to be friends. Veritas had whispered that hewould be forgiven, and all would be well.

The three had pouredthemselves into the plan, executing it nearly flawlessly…. almost. The one flawthey hadn’t counted on was it not working. The gift had been thrown to theground, crushed under a child’s heel, and Thomas had not only been laughed at,but also hit. The others reeled, having not planned for this, and in the chaos,Veritas opened his mouth. ‘You’re alright. Just get up and walk away, don’t sayanything. You’ll be ok.’ These words were all he wanted to say, hisgreatest wish at that moment, but fate hated him and his words, once again,twisted out of his control. “He hurt you. Yell at him.”

And Thomas, in his pain and heightened emotional state, haddone that and more. He had attacked the other child, pushing him down andhitting him. He had gotten in trouble, suspended, both children having receivedbruises and cuts. Veritas watched it all unfold with horror. He decided thenthat he wouldn’t speak again, that he would be a comforting presence, a silentone. But he decided this too late. When it was all done, and Thomas was homethat night, punishment over, in bed, Veritas was summoned to the commons where theother three waited for him. Patton sat on the couch, staring solemnly at theground, Logic stood at his side with a clenched jaw, and Roman stood by thewindow, arms folded behind his back, teeth gritted.

Logic had informed him that he was “More hindrance thanhelp and your presence at the current time is detrimental to Thomas’sdevelopment.” In a clipped and formal tone. “Though it is unlikely deceptionwill ever be a trait of any benefit to him.” 

Morality had said he was disappointed in a sad tone. “I’mnot proud of you Kiddo, this isn’t how we should behave.” He had frowned,perhaps the most serious tone anyone had ever heard from him coming out of hismouth. “I think it’d be best if you backed off for a while, until Thomasmatures enough to handle you.” The, ‘and that’ll be never’ was left unsaid.

Veritas had flushed, tears welling up in his eyes as hetried to bite them back. ‘I didn’t meanto hurt you, I was only trying to help! You’re all wonderful and capable, and Thomaswill live a happy life with you.’ He should have known better by now, buthis mouth opened of its own accord. “I’m not sorry, I intended to hurt you. Youare all foolish invalids and Thomas’s life will be wretched with you.”

It was Creativity who lost his composure, face flushed redfrom anger and voice booming in fury. “HOWDARE YOU?! You come here, into ourhome and we welcome you, call you family, and you BETRAY US?!” He’d scoffed then, eventhat sounded angry. “’Reassurance’,that was just a lie! You come hereunder false name to injure us and defileour home!” The angry man had stepped closer then, the other two remainingquiet, one pair of eyes fixed coldly on them, the other sadly on the floor.“Even your name is a lie! ‘Veritas’,‘truth’,HA! Your name is Deceit, you foul creature, and your nature is known!” A step closer, fists balled angrily at hissides. “LEAVE HERE AND DO NOT REUTRN, YOU WRETCHED SERPENT!”

Veritas had pressed his eyes closed in an effort to hold inhis tears, sinking out and fleeing the only home he had ever known, for howeverbrief a time. Over his shoulder he called a single phrase. “I’m notsorry.” Even now he couldn’t tell the truth.

They had poisoned him with their lies and self-doubt.Scarred him with their cruel words. Mangled his speech with their disbelief.And now…. now they were throwing him away.

***

Years later, after having come out of hiding, Deceitwatched, expression closed off, as the others spoke their minds, turning Thomasagainst him. It seemed the Prince would be the one to deliver the final blow,“Come on Thomas! Surely you see it?! He is evil!” he gestures sharply towardDeceit’s face, toward his scar. “It’s as plain as the scales on his face!”

Deceit couldn’t bear to watch and pretend he didn’t careanymore. His eyes slid from Roman’s, moving down as he turned his head, hidinghis shame and his scar from view. He grit his teeth, lips pulling back insilent agony, and squeezed his eyes shut, tears streaming down his cheeks as hefled. He sank out, popping up in the commons, doubting very much that any ofthe others had noticed his tears or would have bothered to care if they had. Heran up the stairs, barely avoiding tripping with his tear blurred vision, andflung himself into his own room. He stopped in the center of it, not botheringto turn the light on. ‘I had only triedto help. That’s all I had ever wanted!’ he collapsed onto the floor, cryingand sobbing for hours. When he had no more tears left to cry he looked up, helooked up and counted the stars. And if he reassured himself that one day, oneday, he would be part of their family…well, that was just another lie.Fin~Whoooo Boy! That was a ride!

Big thank you to @fangirltothefullest for this phenomenal gif/drawing/animation that inspired not only the ending of this fic, but also the name! Seriously! Go look at it!

Thank you to @neonwaffleninja for the prompt! 

Thank you @anxiousangelvirgil for helping me puzzle out a tricky scene!

[blandwriting]

It's been a long pause, where have I been? Mostly procrastinating at knowing how to be a functioning adult. Despite my flaws, characteristically I'm still very much the same. Major Depressive Disorder, a term to prescribe me antidepressants at a low yet effective amount to keep my anxiety at bay. Effexor XR, Side effects include loss of appetite, drowsiness, blurred vision, fatigue, dry mouth, nausea, sweaty palms, leg tremors, insomnia; I guess the cure and the ailment are one in the same. I'm functioning now at a rate where I feel almost numb enough to feel sufficed by my less than mediocre existence. Thirty years old, greying hair and pubes, a long list of non established idea's that never got off the ground. Financial freedom.... We just reinstated a credit card due to the pandemic taking away our wage and making us less than satisfactory to pay for our fancy Meriton apartment in Mascot. Paces ahead but still trailing behind. I always find myself romanticising life.... Looking for the hidden posies in the mess. No wonder my outlook had degraded to catatonic self destructive seeking missile. I was hit by a car and rolled up onto the dash.... fell to the ground miraculously leaving unscathed only bruised and badly shaken... although the longing for greater injuries if not death was the only thing I could fixate on. Why was I so depressed... why was I so unnerved at my miraculous and somewhat outstanding ability to survive a car driving directly into my right leg without so much as even breaking a bone? I flew over the top of the bonnet and rolled down onto the wet and unforgiving bitumen with nothing more than a manic episode. It opened up a huge sinkhole.... the medication was the only thing stopping me from taking my own life. I cared for nothing. I've had a lot of sobering moments in my short by well worn life. But sitting across from my doctor with tear stained cheeks, quivering bottom lip and shaking hands, I'd spent the last three days just scream crying every moment I had left with my swelling thoughts of self harm and suicide. I simply no longer wished to live.... My doctor worried expression painted across her face sat there and listened to me, as my emotions heightened and I cried out that I was fine... everyone said I was fine... so if I'm fine then why do I no longer want to live... Something has to change... I'm exhausted.... I simply no longer wish to exist, I am meaningless and broken I'm discarded and used, People whom only benefit from myself keep me around I am not loved, I never had been unconditionally loved. She sat there mouth agape... "Krystal..." I looked up to her, With what I can only imagine would have been one of the most pained looks I've ever given another person... " You're not going to kill yourself are you?..." she said furrowing her brows at me with a downturned expression, I looked to the right with my lips pressed into a straight line, rubbing the edge of my thumb nails to the underside of my thumbs, swapping them back and forth, as I looked to my left avoiding eye contact but ruminating on how I felt... softly I let out " I don't know anymore". She reached her hand across the table and asked for my left arm as my right was rendered useless by the bruising. I handed her my hand, hers warm the warmest hand I've felt in a long time, " If you kill yourself Krystal I'll be very angry with you, It will hurt everyone you love, You make me laugh everytime you come in, there are so many other choices".

In that moment I looked at her, I knew I couldn't do it, I'd been held accountable. My heart swollen she wrote me a prescription and I'd left that office with a follow up appointment booked, before I walked out of her room I asked her for a hug, In that moment I felt loved, truly loved with an unbiased heart, She literally didn't have to at all, but I just so needed a hug without answers without question, I just needed that in that moment. To feel loved.

This is the thing, loved. A feeling every human being on the face of the planet longs for a feeling of complete and total acceptance. That is all I've ever been looking for, to feel accepted. I grew up in an unconventional yet familiar family story, My mother freshly 18 two weeks out of the legal boom gates, and my Father turned 22 an hour and fourteen minutes after I was born, It was the typical Australian 1991 period, Still heavily influenced by Christianity, My mum was placed in a separate wing from the other mothers who were Married or accounted for, She and dad were on-again off-again young lovers with a fiery relationship built on jealousy drama and pure attraction, I came into the world on a Monday, it was Mercury retrograde, need I say more. Mum didn't have a lot of money or a stable household at that time, she was living in-between homes, Momentarily we lived in the garage out the back of her mothers house, a red back spider infested ex photography studio and teenager hangout spot, They had a tumultuous relationship themselves, That's the difficulty with family scars, My father from memory lived in a share house with friends, he and his parent's also from a not so forgiving background, both of my parents were dragged up I wouldn't really say either had the golden childhood either of them really deserved, two seperate sides of two different coins, but both resulting in the universal fate of their meeting and my existence. It wasn't long and without shock before my parent's broke up. My dad wasn't ready for fatherhood, he was still drinking and fighting and doing whatever he wanted to do, and mum a young mother had taken on the role of responsibility with a bit more of a stiff upper lip, Rightfully so. He and she were again on and off again for the most of my formidable years, I remember my mum writing notes on a phone pad, back when corded phones were a thing and you were stuck in one place, She'd write his name with hearts and little doodles, I also remember her agonising cries when they'd broken up. It wasn't unusual for Mum to drop me at dad's and for he to leave me with his latest fling and I'd give them hell while he went out stalking down Mum wherever she was. I remember the arguments and my dad's alcohol induced rages towards mum. He showing up to our cottage at random hours banging on the doors and window's to be let in, I remember being dragged out of bed at 2-3-4 am to be placed in a cold Torana to drive around because he was in a violent frenzy smashing every valuable mum had collected on her very small wage she was earning working at a pub to support us, to give me all she could. He'd come in and ruin everything, our tables our chairs the television he'd smash her beds up throw the kitchen around smash the dining tables and chairs, a violent and unstoppable force, and then just like a hurricane he would dissipate and we would rebuild; I don't know how my mother did it, that man didn't even pay the child support he was owing, how do I know this as an adult I went into my centrelink history and saw all of the unpaid arrears.... funny that.

Due to my home life being so far from average or normal I really focused on my imagination, I was plagued with nightmares and an extreme amount of anxiety.... But we didn't really know or talk about mental health in children back then... So I just played with our cats and dogs, singing on the swing alone or annoying our Landlord who owned a sign writing shop out the front, I'd collect snails or grab my dog and escape to the hair salon out on the main road our cottage was behind. The creativity really appealed to me, it gave me an escape from an otherwise crippling existence even for a small child, I was so loved and my mum did everything she could to prove that so, but I just felt so conditional.... I think even as a small child below the age of five I knew that my mothers life would be different if I didn't exist... At school there were rumours around about my family so obviously the children were biased based upon their parents opinions even as early as preschool mum and I faced adversity... I was an outcast from a poor family going to a Lutheran preschool in an affluent area, my mum showing up in a Commodore to drop me off, young and beautiful, I found it difficult to make friends, although I had one best friend but she ended out going to the adjoining Primary school and I were to be moved to the state school three doors down from our cottage.

When I started at my primary school there was 27 students from year 1 to year 7, there were Three educators, Miss S was year 1 - 3, Mrs B was mathematics and science and the Principal Mr F educated year 4-7. I'd made some friends but I was a little off-beat and bossy and a real stickler for the rules so I was always telling on everyone, I wasn't overly athletic or smart, I was more interested in writing or talking or reading than really doing any actual school work. I remember vividly being in trouble for talking while we were doing maths which I still very much struggle with today.... But I ended out being put in time out and I sat there and thought I'd counted to a thousand... because I was entirely bored.... Miss S walked past and I told her " Miss S I counted to a thousand". She looked down at me and said " No you didn't, You silly girl you don't know how to... now be quiet". I'm still cut about that... Mole.

There were many times in those years I was subjected to questionable people and activities many in which I know for sure, No child of mine is ever having sleepovers at their friends houses.... and I mean it. I was socially under developed and preferred the company of adults to children... I didn't fit in with kids my age and the ones I was socialised with were little sicko's with weird parents...

Surprisingly my parent's got back together when I was around age 7 or 8... My dad was working overseas and for some reason mum and he decided to get married by this point my mum had my first younger brother and She and Dad got married...... even that day was a flop for my poor Mum... he ended out going on a four day drinking binge with his friends and mum was left to clean up the mess of the wedding after party and retire home alone. Romantic right?.... I love and adore each one of my four younger brothers and I am so thankful for their existence they’re all individually wonderful and loving and kind i just find it difficult to sometimes sit there and think about how different my mum’s life could have been... had none of us existed.... although I am grateful sometimes for existence I just wish that my dad had dealt with his demons and maybe had gotten some help, flash forward a few years and dad ended up in rehab for six weeks during that time he’d seen mental health professionals but nothing came from it... he just decided to not take his Zoloft because “he hates feeling happy” He for some reason needs aggression which for me is something I just cannot simply understand, now as an adult I recognise my parents have their own issues their own histories and past just as we all do, but it’s one of those things where when I was younger and learning about the world my perception wasn’t of that but only of a lack of unconditional love, now as an adult I’ll do upmost anything to prevent being like my father, so when offered the help I took it... there weren’t other options in that moment for me to be functioning... I just hope I made the right choice.

As a teenager I experienced the usual laziness,  my household was filled with children and crying and new borns the precession of another brother came closely after the first was born and mum was dealing with a “hyperactive” toddler and a newborn and myself now a pre-teen.... I’d moved school’s by this point but realistically speaking and I’ll cut it fairly short, I never really fit in with anyone or anything.... Without being academically gifted or Athletically gifted... my value wasn’t highly ranked... I spent most of my lunch breaks playing Chinese checkers in the library or reading books, I loved books and Encyclopedia’s, hyper-fixating on certain topics and being drawn to the mystics and paranormal.. I would spend hours pouring over pages within books my Aunties had gifted me for Birthday’s or Christmas’s. I feel like my time filled within that school was also darkened by my own inability to behave like a “normal person” I don’t know if at the age of ten I was acutely aware at all about my inability to fit in... all i know is getting choked out at lunch time and ran away from wasn’t the best...

I’ll continue the story later.

[idemandoolong]

When You Can Handle The Lies, Backstabbing, and Unfair Treatment, Then You're Allowed To Be Famous

Most of us have fantasized about what it’d be like to be rich and famous. The paparazzi, the photoshoots, the money, the power, the adoring fans…but what we don’t seem to think about is what famous people tell us ALL THE TIME:

Being famous is unfair, AND it’s every person for himself/herself.

Now, most celebrities don’t flat out say this, but they’ll say it in roundabout ways or with cute little slogans like “Ain’t no friends in the game.”

We romanticize this and think it’s cool and trendy, but that shit would destroy 99% of us. The majority of us can’t handle the negative aspects of fame, and I’m not talking about the rumors and loss of privacy. I’m talking about how you’re essentially forfeiting loyalty and trust–which are things we regular folks take very seriously.

Allow me to explain.

In 2007, during Cycle 9 of “America’s Next Top Model,” Ebony Morgan was in the bottom two with Ambreal Williams. Ambreal was sent home, but Ebony opted to go home instead, thus allowing Ambreal to stay.

Now, five years later, during Cycle 18, Eboni Davis and Alisha White were in the bottom two. Eboni was eliminated, but Alisha opted to forfeit. Same situation, right? Well Eboni was told she’s still going home.

You may explain this away by saying “Well maybe the rules changed.” But THAT’S why you can’t handle fame, silly rabbit. You just don’t get it:

There are no rules in Hollywood.

You’re so used to rules and laws and consistency, but in the fame game, that doesn’t exist. It is solely up to Tyra Banks (and the producers) to decide whom to eliminate. It doesn’t matter if all of America says you’re the best. It doesn’t matter if the “judges” are being hypocrites. Nothing matters. You don’t matter. They don’t care about you, and that’s something most of us can’t deal with.

In fact, the winners of “Top Model” have come out and said they’re not taken seriously in the modeling world, so it’s hard for them to book jobs and gigs. And it’s not like Tyra Banks is using her name to get them jobs. She doesn’t give a damn. Their usefulness is over as far as she’s concerned. Boom. Bye. On to the next wannabe model.

I’ll give you another example.

Janet Hubert portrayed Vivian Banks on “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” from 1990-1993. She once told a story how Countess Vaughn (Moesha, The Parkers, Hollywood Divas) once auditioned for a role on “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” and was given the part. Now, before taping a show, the actors and actresses sit around and do what’s called a table read.

They literally sit at a table together and read the script aloud while the writers and executives and producers are there taking notes to decide what they want to change.

Anyway, Countess is there reading her lines and everyone is laughing. They love her. She’s perfect for the role and she’s excited about taping her episode. She goes home…and they never call her back. She doesn’t know what happened. Some time later, she runs into Janet and asks what happened. Janet explained that Will Smith was afraid she’d upstage him, so he had her dropped.

Nobody fought for Countess. When she got dropped, they just went on with their lives. Nobody even tried to contact her and say “Hey, look…this is what’s happening…”

Now before you say Janet is making up lies and is bitter, Countess alludes to this very story in an episode of Hollywood Divas:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04cTELr5Fxc

We regular folks aren’t used to be being treated like that. Imagine if you got a job and were told on your way home from the interview, “Actually we want somebody of a different race.” You’d sue, and win. But you can’t do that in Hollywood.

You can get fired from a movie for being too young (Stuart Townsend from “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring”).

You can get fired and have your scenes re-done by a replacement (Chloe Grace Moretz in “Bolt”).

You can spend months recording all your lines AS THE MAIN CHARACTER and get fired because the gender of the character changes (Holly Hunter in “Chicken Little”).

It doesn’t even matter. As I said, in Hollywood, you don’t matter. Very few people actually give a damn about you. Now take this a step further and imagine being a person of color in Hollywood. Those three people I just mentioned are all white. If they’ll do that to white folks, imagine what people of color endure.

Even your bandmates who you’ve grown up and were your best friends for ten years will leave you in the dust at the drop of a hat. Remember what happened to Destiny’s Child?

If you don’t, long story short, best friends Beyoncé Knowles, Kelly Rowland, LaTavia Roberson and LeToya Luckett formed a band known as Destiny’s Child. After two platinum-selling albums, one day in early 2000, their music video “Say My Name” premiered with two new members, Farrah Franklin and Michelle Williams in the band, lip-synching over LaTavia’s and LeToya’s vocals.

There was no announcement. No press conference. No nothing. Just boom. LaTavia and LeToya didn’t even know they had been fired until, like everyone else, the video premiered. After a whole bunch of back and forth and “he said, she said,” it later came out LaTavia and LeToya were having disagreements with their manager, Mathew Knowles, the father of Beyoncé. He was the group’s manager AND the manager of the four singers individually.

LaTavia and LeToya fired Mathew as their personal managers due to financial reasons and for the way he was allegedly mistreating them. He responded by hiring two new singers and the show went on until Farrah Franklin quit due to Mathew’s alleged mistreatment five months later. Destiny’s Child told the public for years that Farrah couldn’t “handle” being famous, but the truth is she asked too many questions like why was Solange Knowles (Beyoncé’s younger sister) getting a cut out of the band’s paycheck as a backup dancer when she not once danced….until after Farrah quit. She also didn’t like that she, Michelle, and Kelly had to go to tanning salons to appear darker so Beyoncé would be the lighter one, she became sick overseas and nobody seemed to care, Mathew would literally yell at her and verbally abuse her….she couldn’t take it anymore so she left.

How would you feel if you quit a job due to unfair treatment, but everyone was told it was because you “couldn’t handle” the job?

Still think you could handle it?

Ok, big shot. Try this on for size.

Karan Ashley portrayed Aisha Campbell on “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers” from 1993-1995. It’s a bit complicated, but the creator of the show was making millions of dollars from the success of the show, and the actors weren’t paid very much. Keep in mind, “Power Rangers” was one of the most successful shows in the US, and the actors’ likenesses for toys, video games, and all sorts of merchandise was being used…and they didn’t get a dime for it. In fact, Walter Emmanuel Jones portrayed Zack Taylor from 1993-1994 in 81 episodes, and lived with roommates the entire time. That’s how little he was paid.

When 20th Century Fox approached “Power Rangers” to make a movie, the actors were severely lowballed with how much they’d get paid. He, along with co-stars Thuy Trang and Austin St. John asked for more, they were rejected, so they quit. Karan Ashley, Steve Cardenas, and Johnny Yong Bosch (who is half-Korean and was told by producers to use his mother’s maiden name of Yong in his name to seem more Asian…because, I guess, nobody can tell you’re Asian unless your mother says so) were immediately hired as replacements and filmed the movie.

Anyway, in 1995, Karan Ashley wants to be let go from the show. Not only do they film for about 16hrs per day, but again, the pay is low. She’s told her character will be given a ten-episode story that will have her leave the series.

So the actors go on a much needed two-week break after 61 episodes, and when they return, Karan is told “Oh, we don’t need you anymore. You can go.” Just like that. No ten-episode story. No going-away party. No nothing. Boom. Gone. Bye. And the show just went on without her.

I could go on and on with similar stories.

Mo’Nique’s show being cancelled despite being the top-rated show on BET at the time of its cancellation.

Cree Summer being fired from playing Meg on “Family Guy” as she’s on her way to work.

John Amos and Esther Rolle being fired from “Good Times” after complaining the JJ Evans character was stereotypical, but the press being told they were envious of the character’s success.

Jamie Lynn Spears getting pregnant at 16 years old, so all the actors lose their jobs on “Zoey 101.”  

But I’m telling you these stories to say being famous is simply not fair.

You get fired from jobs for reasons that aren’t your fault. Promises are routinely broken. Your friends and co-workers don’t stick up for you. There’s no consistency. People say one thing and do another all the time. You’re lied to all the time. And nobody cares because it’s done to them, too.

Think of all the times you were treated unfairly or lied on or lied to or did a whole bunch of work for nothing…now imagine that happening pretty much every single day.

That, ladies and gents, is what it’s like to be famous.

[ace-in-a-pocket]

stuffies, gardens!

🌸Soft Asks🌸

🌸Stuffies: How did you meet your best friend?

Okay, I have a bunch of best friends so please please please not saltiness if I miss you because these are just what are from the top of my head.

She was the new girl in my girl and we were starting grade 7; I was a shy bean but thought she seemed cool and went up to her with the line (and take note of my fantastic socializing skills, everyone) “Do you like cheese?”. She replied with “yeah” and then I asked if she wanted to have lunch together. Boom. Friendship of over ten years.

Had a bunch of horsey and unicorn stuff in my locker with silly magnets and such, she thought it was cool. Got her to join us for lunch and we bonded (haha bonded) over books and started sharing our writing together. Another was someone I had been in primary school with but hadn’t talked to much until high school when we did a drama project together and performed a scene from a musical. Those two have been close friends of mine ever since, shared and created so much fantastic writing together, and they gave me confidence, hugs, and family where I needed it, even on Christmas when I was at my worst. They are the ones who helped me find the name Athos and give me the push to be confident, pursue my dreams, and flirt with people.

Started a fucking blog about a character, had a meme posted which a friend of a mutual responded to and we just kept talking and talking and I was super intimidated because holy fuck did she write well. Friends of over two years now and we talk about cosplay, I send her silly kpop things, and she sends Persona things. Couldn’t ask for better. Last year was our first Christmas exchange and I hope Canada Post is more agreeable this year. X’D She’s also caused me to not be able to drop that damn emoji. Constant America vs. Canada jokes, Kuromyu and Kuroshitsuji theorizing, and knowing we are going to be able to hug in-person someday has brought countless smiles to my face.

Another best friend made via that blog was one who started out the same time as me and we wrecked an entire fandom together with the written word. She calls me her “Canada mom” and we both keep each other strong and optimistic for the future. Friends of two years now. We constantly text and laugh together.

Two major best friends who are my “dads” I met in university. One in my improv course where I apparently first swore at him for being tall (very possible) and another I met when he was manning the Musical Theatre Society table and we started singing songs together in the lobby of our university. These two have become rocks and strengths, important reminders of what family truly is as they’ve pulled me from rock bottom and reminded me to take care of myself. True great fathers indeed (even though one is younger than me but we don’t talk about that)

🌸Gardens: What’s the sweetest gift you’ve received?

High school friend gave me a bottle filled with lucky stars she made that had messages and well-wishes written on the inside of them. She recently told me that the bottle they came in was the first drink I bought for her because she had an exam and so I bought her one of those bottled frappicinos from Starbucks. She kept it and returned the kindness filled with stars and love. I still have it with me to this day and even though we hardly talk anymore, we are still friends and send good vibes to each other.

[indiehangover]

Do you remember Arkanoid or any of the slew of brick breaker games, where you move a paddle/dude with a trampoline/tube-shaped spaceship around the bottom and bounce a ball up at bricks above you? Image that, but first person and using touch or motion controls instead of sliding a rectangle right and left, and you’ve got Boom Ball: Boost Edition! Oh and hey, this one has a two-player function built in; all you have to do is give one Joy-Con to someone else!



Title: Boom Ball: Boost Edition Developer: Virtual Air Guitar Company Platform: Nintendo Switch Game Version: Final Review Copy: Provided by developer Interface: Joy-Cons with Switch connected to TV, as well as handheld with touch controls Available on Nintendo Switch

• Meet explosive rectangular sheep and much silliness over 60 scenic levels • Juggle up to 24 balls simultaneously • Cheerful arcade action with manic multiball mayhem

I love destroying stuff in games. I can’t help it; I’d rather sit there and blow buildings apart than continuing on with the main story. Games with fun physics get a nearly automatic recommendation from me just because they’re just FUN to play. So when I saw Boom Ball: Boost Edition, I was already cautiously excited to get my hands on it.

Luckily, my expectations weren’t too high after all. It’s a blast to hit the ball(s) back at all of the blocks, and the level design is terrific. There are 5 sections, and each one has a different theme with some excellent block layouts. For example, the second area is underwater-themed, and one of the levels has you face off against Poseidon in a castle with doors that open and close like a minigolf course. Other levels involved explosive birds, a “What’s in the box?” level where you had to cause boxes to blow open by hitting them in the center, and all sorts of other animals and shapes.

Your job is always the same – destroy everything that can be destroyed. Aside from a handful of (mostly) invincible objects, everything is destructible with a hit or two from a ball. There are blocks that blow up everything near them, powerups that give you added destructive power or additional balls, and some of the blocks even replace any blocks you destroy around them very quickly until you put them out of commission.

Boom Ball: Boost Edition gives players 60 levels to conquer, each of which has at least two rounds of blocks to destroy. While there are two ways to play the game, both are incredibly simple: you can either use your finger(s) on the screen itself or use the Joy-Cons. Using your fingers is as simple as you’d think, but the Joy-Cons are a little tricky: the position of the paddles seems to be based on how the Joy-Cons are lying in your hands at the beginning of each round, not the way they’re aimed. Luckily I quickly figured out that if you pause the game, you can move the Joy-Cons however you’d like before unpausing it and the paddles will be re-centered on the screen. It wasn’t a major issue by any means since I have similar issues with Move Controllers while playing PSVR games as well, but it did take a little time to get used to it.

With that said, even though the game is just as playable (and even more accurate) with touch controls, it’s so much more fun with the Joy-Cons. They add a whole extra layer of interaction and physicality, and it feels so much more awesome when you smash a ball into an explosive block and demolish a bunch of stuff. I’ve got to admit though, being able to merely touch the screen with four fingers to pause the game is brilliant for players using touch controls: not only does it prevent people from merely covering the whole screen so they can’t ever lose, it makes pausing a breeze as well.

The game has a terrific balance of risk and reward. Each level gives you up to four medals for completing it, and three of them are quite a challenge. You get one guaranteed for beating a level, but the others require completing a level without losing any balls (multiballs are okay though), completing it in a very short amount of time, and completing it on turbo mode. Turbo mode speeds things up and reduces your “lives” from 5 to 3. The gameplay itself has a lot of risk/reward as well: for real control over where the ball will go, you need to SWING the paddle rather than just using it like a bounce pad. Think of it like tennis: if you want to hit the ball somewhere specific, you have to swing your racket at it when it gets near you, you can’t just block with it and hope to be an effective player. You can also press the trigger on the respective Joy-Con to boost the ball, causing it to move much faster for a bit. So while you may complete a level without any problem (I only had to restart levels three times), getting the medals is far from a cakewalk. Heck, when I completed the game I only had 28% of the medals!

Medals are used for more than bragging rights as well: they’re used to unlock new paddles and bonus levels. Only 50 levels are part of the “main game”, the other 10 are bonus levels, the last of which requires you to collect over 97% of the medals in the game. If you want to unlock everything, you’ll probably need to replay levels a LOT, but that’s okay because they’re all short. The developer definitely knew the pain of having to hit those last few blocks, because once you clear most of the blocks on a level you go into a special mode where you hit rapid-fire fireballs at the remaining targets. These fireballs home in on their targets, so the last 10-15% or so of almost every level is a breeze.

I didn’t get to play the game with anyone else, but I know it’s something my teen and pre-teen niece and nephew would enjoy. It’s also something I could see having loads of fun playing with my gal, and I plan on going through and replaying quite a bit to unlock the other 5 bonus levels too. The music is fun, the physics are great, and I loved that creatures with faces looked scared when the ball got near them and upset when they were hit. If you or your kids love to joke about eating the head off of a chocolate bunny first, you’ll find similar fun here as well.

#gallery-0-5 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-5 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 25%; } #gallery-0-5 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-5 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

#indiegame Review: @BoomBallGame: Boost Edition by #indiedev @VirtualAirGtr Use your Joy-Cons or touch controls to bounce balls at all sorts of wacky and fun block layouts across 60 levels. Do you remember Arkanoid or any of the slew of brick breaker games, where you move a paddle/dude with a trampoline/tube-shaped spaceship around the bottom and bounce a ball up at bricks above you?

[hopefulwhisperscollectorstu-blog]

Indicators on Studies Subjects Paperwork You Need To Realise

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[bbpopblog-blog]

The 100 Greatest Boy Band Songs of All Time: Critics' Picks

If there's one thing we've learned about pop music over the last half-century, it's that while the boy band might not always be at pop's center, it's somewhere orbiting around it -- and will be back soon enough.

From the early '70s to the mid '80s to the late '90s to the early '10s to now, boy bands have seemingly always arrived in American pop culture in waves, crashing onto our shores suddenly and dramatically. Sometimes they come from elsewhere -- the U.K., Korea, even nearby Latin America -- and sometimes they spring up locally, from unexpected hotspots like Gary, Indiana; Tulsa, Oklahoma; Orlando, Florida. But each time they come, pop music is never the same afterwards -- nor are the lives of tens of millions of screaming young'ns whose early adolescences will come to be defined by their songs.

This week, Billboard is celebrating this venerated pop institution with a week of boy band-related coverage, starting with our list of the 100 Greatest Boy Band Songs of All Time -- spanning nearly the entire Hot 100 era, and recognizing the absolute tops in innocent male harmonies and synchronized dance moves.

But what is a boy band, you may ask? Ask any two music fans that question and you might get answers as varied as if you asked a 47-year-old FM DJ and a 19-year-old SoundCloud rapper to define "hip-hop." There are common elements most everyone can agree on as being obviously boy band-core, natch: the aforementioned harmonies and dancing, as well as matching outfits, major pop choruses, a puppet-string-pulling svengali behind the scenes, a general sense of ridiculousness (and a relative lack of self-consciousness), and of course, youth.

But aside from basic membership -- by pretty much all definitions, boy bands need to have at least three members and be all male -- there's no one unifying factor that links every boy band in history; name any classic trope of the format and we can name at least two obvious boy bands who it doesn't apply to. If anything, what really unites boy bands throughout history comes not in their conception, but in their reception: How young, rabid and ear-splittingly friggin' loud was their fanbase? If the answer is at least "very" to all three of these, you're already 80 percent of the way there.

Ultimately, we took every boy band argument on a case-by-case basis, and came to some difficult conclusions. Some groups, like 5 Seconds of Summer, were deemed eligible even though their structural makeup wasn't classically boy band, because the way they were marketed and fan-devoured was. Others, like The Beatles -- yes, The Beatles -- were given the boy-band OK for early stretches of their career, but a hard cutoff was instituted for after they matured and self-actualized as just a "band." And some, like modern self-identifying "boy band" BROCKHAMPTON, were just a little too far outside the conventional sound of a boy band for us to make the mental leap -- for now, anyway.

But enough trying to be Webster's, let's get to the songs -- with a Spotify playlist of all 100 of 'em at the bottom. They're original, they're the only ones, they're (occasionally, unthreateningly) sexual, and they're definitely everything you need.

100. The Chipmunks, "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" (1958) 

The animated rodent OGs of the boy band game, Alvin, Simon and Theodore set pre-adolescent hearts of all species aflutter in the late '50s with this sweetly harmonized Christmas classic. Amazingly, 50 years after Alvin and the boys originally caused David Seville holiday high blood pressure with their blasé vocal timing and incessant demands for gift hula hoops, they were still starring in hit movies, reflecting a luxury afforded to precious few boy bands throughout history: Pop culture got older, but they stayed the same age. -- ANDREW UNTERBERGER

99. B2K, "Uh Huh" (2001)

B2K reshaped the concept of the black boy band in the ‘00s with a sound that leaned more toward TRL-era pop than the standard R&B of the time, beginning with their catchy '01 debut single “Uh Huh.” The buzzy synths, lead singer Omarion’s sensual vocals, their feathery harmonies and that booty-popping bassline made the track one of the biggest highlights of the band’s short-lived career. -- BIANCA GRACIE

98. 5 Seconds of Summer, "Girls Talk Boys" (2016)

5 Seconds of Summer already won our hearts with their modern take on pop-punk, but 2016’s “Girls Talk Boys” (from the soundtrack to the Ghostbusters remake, of all things) was a refreshing dive into funk. With the help of hitmakers Ricky Reed and Teddy Geiger, the guys switched their rowdy electric guitar for a summery Nile Rodgers-style riff and gang-vocal harmonies that had everyone floating to the disco dancefloor. -- B.G.

97. Big Time Rush feat. Snoop Dogg, "Boyfriend" (2011)

With a Nickelodeon series bringing these four together, Big Time Rush was essentially the modern-day Monkees with their goofy antics and good looks. But as their most successful single proved, they also had the musical ability to be equally successful outside their TV framework: “Boyfriend” has an irresistible hook, suave verses, and a chorus that not only shows their range, but also makes it near impossible to not sing along. The guys even compare their affection to the Twilight love affair — what more could a googly eyed teen want? -- TAYLOR WEATHERBY

96. 98 Degrees, "Because of You" (1998)

Delightfully G-rated pop fare: 98 Degrees’ first of four top 10 hits on the Hot 100 chart, “Because of You” proudly revels in Hallmark-ready sentiment — “You’re my sunshine after the rain,” the foursome coos at the start of the chorus. The pillowy guitar snap and four-part harmonies are doused in an earnestness that impressively resists anything resembling an edge. -- JASON LIPSHUTZ

95. Mindless Behavior, "My Girl" (2010)

Teen quartet Mindless Behavior were about six months early (and maybe a couple years too young) for the great boy-band boom of the 2010s, and never saw the major crossover success of some of their successors. Still, debut single "My Girl" was a popcorn-love head-nodder irresistible enough to get them gigs opening for Janet Jackson and Justin Bieber, and even to earn a cameo from adult R&B star Ciara on the song's remix. -- A.U.

94. 2Gether, "The Hardest Part of Breaking Up (Is Getting Back Your Stuff)" (2000)

Breakups are never fun, but thanks to this fivesome, singing about heartbreak was momentarily hilarious. The song’s pounding beat, along with silly lyrics about losing their belongings (not to mention a handful of cat meows), makes you forget that the source of the song is a relationship ending. But the best part about “The Hardest Part of Breaking Up” is that 2Gether created one of the most memorable breakup tunes of the boy band era, despite existing solely to mock such groups. -- T.W.

93. Nu Flavor, "Sweet Sexy Thing" (1997)

The final reverberation of the Color Me Badd era of boy bands before the Max Martin era officially took effect, Long Beach quartet Nu Flavor showed up in '97 with a pair of pillowy soft post-New Jack Swing R&B ballads to scrape the Billboard Hot 100: "Heaven" and "Sweet Sexy Thing." Of the two, the latter was the less resistible, a mid-tempo groove and seductive vocal so gentle that the quartet literally showed up outside their girl's window with a bedspread for her to jump into in the video. -- A.U.

92. JLS, "Beat Again" (2009)

Boy bands never seem to go out of style for too long overseas, so British quartet JLS was able to leap from The X Factor to U.K. stardom pretty easily at an otherwise down period for the format. It helps that they had "Beat Again," a Steve Mac-helmed pulser with a memorably bleating synth hook and a fantastically melodramatic chorus built around the title phrase (as in, "They're telling me that my heart won't...") -- which very easily could've been a solo smash for Chris Brown or Jesse McCartney stateside. -- A.U.

91. The Monkees, "(Theme From) The Monkees" (1966)

No, it's not a clever title – the Monkees' 1966 single "(Theme From) The Monkees" is quite literally the theme song to their '66-'68 TV series. Discerning rock fans clocked it for the blatant Beatlemania cash-in that it was, but for young listeners who were growing alienated by the increasingly experimental Beatles, the TV quartet scratched a profitable preteen itch that the industry was only just beginning to realize had existed for some time. The Beatles might have inadvertently created boy bands, but here's where it became intentional. -- JOE LYNCH

90. Another Bad Creation, "Iesha" (1990)

After becoming a star with New Edition and Bell Biv Devoe, but before owning the '90s with his progeny in Boyz II Men, the most impressive magic trick pulled by Michael Bivins might've been making New Jack Swing-era stars out of playground-age hip-hop collective Another Bad Creation. The group's breakout hit "Iesha" is most stunning for its sheer forcefulness, built on a squall of synth stabs and Public Enemy samples that the group's pre-pubescent voices sound fairly out of place over -- but potent enough to have kicked down the doors on the youth movement from the Atlanta area that decade, which would see Kris Kross, Monica and Usher all become teenage megastars before the turn of the millennium. -- A.U.

89. A1, "Caught in the Middle" (2001)

An unusually downbeat boy band ballad, striking in its minor-chord melancholy and sighing, resigned chorus -- with a stinging cold-weather video that's pretty much the exact inverse of Backstreet Boys' hot cocoa-tinged original "I'll Never Break Your Heart" visual. Appropriately for a song of such sublime frustration, "Caught in the Middle" got stuck at No. 2 on the U.K. charts, caught behind Enrique Iglesias' "Hero" -- on 2/2/02, no less. -- A.U.

88. Busted, "What I Go to School For" (2002)

A year before “Stacy’s Mom” shook up your after-school routine, another older woman was providing indelible pop-rock pleasures across the Atlantic. The British boys of Busted were hot for teacher on their 2002 debut single, and while their hormonal ogling was hardly subtle -- “I fight my way to the front of class, to get the best view of her ass/ I drop a pencil on the floor, she bends down and shows me more” -- the song’s gentle blurring of reality and schoolboy fantasy was sweet enough to inspire this sanitized Jonas Brothers cover. -- NOLAN FEENEY

87. VIXX, "Dynamite" (2016)

“Dynamite” proves that when VIXX isn’t beckoning Starlights into the darkness with horror themes, they can pull off brighter concepts while maintaining their mystique. The playfulness of the funky tune belies the dense layers of sonic textures: As the sextet pines over lost love, this uptempto interplay of sax riffs and electronic flourishes eventually breaks down into a slow jam R&B bridge. This track represents K-pop at its peak, balancing commercial viability with experimental songwriting. -- CAITLIN KELLEY

86. The Wanted, "I Found You" (2013)

The height of The Wanted's U.S. stardom only lasted for the year of 2012, but it's still perplexing that 2013's "I Found You" didn't get them at least another couple months' juice -- the song's blaring, brain-pummelling accordion hook (again courtesy of producer Steve Mac), gloriously falsetto'd chorus and frenetic breakdown section all made it feel like the logical next step from breakthrough "Glad You Came." (A video that verged on the, uh, too-adult might've had something to do with the song's stalling at No. 89 on the Hot 100.) -- A.U.

85. Bay City Rollers, "You Made Me Believe in Magic" (1977)

Like everything else, Rollermania went disco in '77, as the group of Scottish once-teen sensations cranked up their BPMs and reached higher on their fretboards for the blazing "You Made Me Believe in Magic." Sadly, the "Magic" was running out for the group, who would only have one further chart hit before fading into obscurity, but the song was thrilling enough to make it seem like the good times could keep Rolling for the group well into post-adolescence. -- A.U.

84. LFO, "West Side Story" (2000)

While “Summer Girls” is inarguably LFO’s staple tune, “West Side Story” is the hit that should’ve been from the trio’s self-titled debut album. You just don’t hear an acoustic guitar riff that jazzy in songs anymore! And in the way that “Summer Girls” made every girl want something from Abercrombie & Fitch, this one likely resulted in those A&F-wearing girls rushing to change their names to Veronica. -- T.W.

83. Hi-Five, "She's Playing Hard to Get" (1992)

It wasn't Hi-Five's biggest Hot 100 hit -- that'd be 1991's chart-topping "I Like the Way (The Kissing Game)" -- but it's the one that stands as the Waco, Texas quintet's most winning groove a quarter-century later. The sentiment might not be received quite as naively in 2018 -- "She's playing hard to get/ She just won't admit that she likes me" -- but the group's vocals are sugary and innocent enough to impose no real threat, and the "she likes me, she liiiiiiiiiikes me" chorus exhortations are too sweet and ridiculous to find any real objection to. -- A.U.

82. O-Zone, "Dragostea Din Tei" (2004)

A successful song lyric doesn’t need to make sense, it just needs to feel good -- so say Zedd and Max Martin in defense of the infamous “Now that I’ve become who I really are” line from Ariana Grande’s “Break Free.” And nothing proves their point quite like this viral Romanian-language hit, which served as an ecstatic, fist-pumping reminder of music’s power to connect across borders and managed to convey uninhibited joy better than any phrase in the English language probably could. -- N.F.

81. LMNT, "Juliet" (2002)

There aren’t very many songs that can seamlessly bring together an electric and acoustic guitar, but LMNT’s debut hit did so in rocking (and insanely catchy) fashion. Accompanying the slick instrumentals are equally crafty lyrics, including the track’s standout line, “I just want you to know, I want to be your Romeo/ Hey Juliet” -- and on top of that, there’s a key change. This song didn’t become the chart killer it should’ve been, but in the eyes of boy band fans, LMNT crafted a megahit. -- T.W.

80. The Osmonds, "Crazy Horses" (1972)

In the oddball competition for Boy Band Song Most Often Covered By Metal Groups, "Crazy Horses" almost certainly emerges victorious, thanks to its squealing guitar hook, wailed vocals, propulsive groove and chanted chorus. It was a strange look for the notoriously clean-cut Osmonds, but not a totally unintentional one, as the group provided one of the earliest examples of a boy band bucking against the establishment that produced them: "Before that, my brothers and I had been what’s now called a boyband: all our songs were chosen for us by the record company," singer Merrill Osmond later recalled. "But now, having been successful, we wanted to freak out and make our own music." -- A.U.

79. Immature, "Never Lie" (1994)

West Coast teen trio Immature -- now known as IMx -- were as memorable for their eyewear as their vocals: Two of 'em wore John Lennon-style sunglasses with round lenses, while third member Young Rome wore an eye patch, apparently due to an incident suffered at the hands of fellow teen sensation Brandy. But Hot 100 top 5 hit "Never Lie" endures as a disarmingly tender acoustic ballad, recently remixed by Stones Throw producer Knxwledge to memorably stripped- and pitched-down effect. -- A.U.

78. Seventeen, "Adore U" (2015)

Few K-pop groups nail a perfect debut, but “Adore U” is practically Seventeen’s mission statement: From the get-go, the 13-member ensemble established that their performances pair a theatrical playfulness with hooks to spare. A slapping bass groove underpins the frothy funk of this confessional confection. Produced by the group's vocal leader, Woozi, the track's catchy chorus is flanked by an array of unexpected instrumentals. (Not many boy bands can lay claim to an accordion breakdown.) But amid the endless moving parts, Seventeen mastered how to make them feel simultaneously distinctive and cohesive. -- C.K.

77. Jodeci, "Forever My Lady" (1991)

Impending fatherhood isn’t typical boy band fare, and despite the opening of “Forever My Lady”, none of the young men of Jodeci was on the verge of having a baby in the spring of ‘91. That was the lyrical contribution of New Jack Swing exemplar Al B. Sure!, who co-wrote “Forever My Lady” with producer DeVante Swing. Lead vocalists K-Ci and Jojo brought the sweet and rough, youthful but adult style that defined the group, fulfilling the dream of Sean Combs to imbue an R&B group with the edge of hip-hop. -- ROSS SCARANO

76. Brother Beyond, "The Harder I Try" (1988)

U.K. quartet Brother Beyond briefly cameo'd on the U.S. pop charts with the jazzy R&B of 1990's Hot 100 top 40 hit "The Girl I Used to Know," but their more delectable entry to the boy band canon came with their breakout hit across the pond, the No. 2-peaking British smash "The Harder I Try." The swinging Stock/Aitken/Waterman-engineered single threw back to '60s Motown better than any U.K. outfit since Wham!, though it was kept off the top of the charts by a couple of actual soul covers: Yazz's "The Only Way Is Up" and Phil Collins' "Groovy Kind of Love." -- A.U.

75. Troop, "Spread My Wings" (1989)

Written and produced by the underrated Chuckii Booker -- a Zelig-type chameleonic figure in '90s R&B -- "Spread My Wings" was the appropriately soaring, weightless first chart-topping R&B single for the Pasadena quartet of childhood friends. The video, debuting at the turn of the '90s, may have been even more iconic, helping establish all sorts of boy band visual precedents for the decade to come: Rooftop dancing, unnecessary mixes of color with black and white, and of course, hefty amounts of beachside contemplation -- A.U.

74. Hanson, "Weird" (1997)

One of the less-celebrated singles from the trio’s breakthrough 1997 album Middle of Nowhere, “Weird” is a gentle, delicately written ballad that showed the brothers’ strengths outside of upbeat pop. That it had a true-to-song-title music video directed by Gus Van Sant where they float in a water-filled subway car and maneuver around pairs of twins only adds to its enduring mystique. -- STEVEN J. HOROWITZ

73. New Edition, "Mr. Telephone Man" (1984)

Written and produced by Ray Parker Jr. (of "Ghostbusters" fame), "Mr. Telephone Man" is a twinkling mix of smooth R&B and sugary synths that tells the story of… well, to be perfectly honest, it's about a guy harassing a woman with nonstop telephone calls. But in 1984, that persistence was taken as "cute," particularly coming from baby-faced New Edition. But even modern listeners skeeved out by the lyrics can appreciate how convincingly Ralph Tresvant sells the innocent ache of puppy love when he comes in at the 42-second mark, pleading with the operator: "Something must be wrong with my phone / 'Cause my baby wouldn't hang up on me." -- J. Lynch

72. Magneto, "Vuela, Vuela" (1991)

In the '90s, Magneto conquered charts internationally with “Vuela, Vuela." The title track from the Mexican boy band's seventh studio album was the Spanish version of “Voyage, Voyage,” a French song recorded by Desireless in 1986, but it was even bouncier and more transportive than its predecessor. Magneto was also known for their romantic ballads, such as “Para Siempre” and “La Puerta del Colegio." -- SUZETTE FERNÁNDEZ​

71. Take That, "Never Forget" (1995)

A boy band ballad of unusual self-awareness and perspective, in which the five members of the most successful U.K. pop group of their generation take a moment to pause from being a phenomenon to reflect on how it probably won't last forever: "Finding a paradise wasn't easy but still/ There's a road going down the other side of this hill." The most stunning line comes in the chorus, when singer Howard Donald acknowledges, "Someday soon, this will all be someone else's dream" -- a lyric the group has gone as far as to change to "Justin Bieber's dream" in post-reunion live renditions. -- A.U.

70. Why Don't We, "Something Different" (2017)

The genius of Why Don’t We’s first hit is in its infectiously hooky chorus -- which only says two words. It’s hardly even obvious that the guys sing nothing more than the song’s title in its chorus, as the bouncy melody makes it impossible to not dance and sing along. While Why Don’t We are still pretty new to the boy band scene, they proved they indeed do have something different with their breakout hit, incorporating bass-heavier beats, as well as five totally unique voices that shine in their own way. -- T.W.

69. Westlife, "Swear It Again" (2000)

Perhaps one of the most “all the feels” kind of songs in boy band history, Westlife’s biggest U.S. hit tugs at the heartstrings in the best way with vow-like verses and passionate vocals. As a quintessential song of its type should, “Swear It Again” gives each member time to shine on their own, bringing all five voices together on the chorus. Aside from the voices, the mix of the evocative piano in the beginning and the dynamic violins throughout the song help the guys’ heartfelt lyrics truly land, making this as timeless as it is classic boy band material. -- T.W.

68. The Boys, "Dial My Heart" (1988)

Accurately named Motown brother quartet The Boys -- whose youngest member was a whopping nine years old when the group released their '88 debut album Messages From the Boys -- burst into late-'80s pop with this infectious mini-banger, written and produced by the then-bulletproof duo of Babyface and Antonio "L.A." Reid. The then-irresistible chorus may have inevitably dated some, but listen to "Email My Heart" from the first Britney album a decade later and realize how timeless references to payphones answering machine messages seem by comparison. -- A.U.

67. SHINee, "Lucifer" (2010)

Few boy bands do propulsive electro-pop as well as SHINee, and the quintet took things to a new level early on in their career with the futuristic “Lucifer.” Strong vocals soar over this urban dance track, which overflows with ‘80s-style digital quirks and was propelled by the militaristic, chanting refrain of “loverholic, robotronic.” The group has since gone on to explore a variety of genres to immense success, but the forceful charisma of “Lucifer” still stands as one of the most dynamic pieces from SHINee. Not too shabby for a song Bebe Rexha wrote in her bedroom. -- TAMAR HERMAN

66. Dream Street, "It Happens Everytime" (2000)

Wherefore art thou, Jesse McCartney? The '00s solo pop star only lasted with his original outfit for just one album as a young teen, but we’ll always have “It Happens Every Time,” a single so saccharine that it supposes the group name to be a real destination in which romantic magic can be conjured. J-Mac may have flipped his property on Dream Street, but it’s still worth a three-minute visit. -- J. Lipshutz

65. One Direction, "Story of My Life" (2013)

If you mix the boy band formula with the Americana-style of early Mumford & Sons, you’ll get One Direction’s “Story of My Life,” the group's radio-conquering second single from their third album, Midnight Memories. The swell of the foot-stomping chorus combined with the bubblegum pop of 1D makes for one of the most effective and singular songs in the band’s catalog. -- DENISE WARNER

64. McFly, "5 Colours in Her Hair" (2004)

McFly always had a bit of a bad-boy vibe to their guitar-heavy tunes, especially thanks to the gritty vocals of co-frontmen Danny Jones and Tom Fletcher, and “5 Colours In Her Hair” was the perfect introduction to that. Adding a hint of surfer rock to their slightly risqué lyrics, reverb-drenched electric guitar and striking, Beatlesque harmonies, McFly’s high-energy breakout hit is the perfect example of a not-so-conventional boy band jam. -- T.W.

63. Jonas Brothers, "S.O.S." (2007)

Before officially releasing "S.O.S." as a single in 2007, Joe, Nick and Kevin had already established that they were more rock than a typical boy band with hits like “Year 3000” and “Hold On.” Yet this track from their self-titled debut LP set that in stone. The opening guitar riff in itself is enough to get the room moving, and the JoBros carry the jamming through the entire song -- which makes you forget that it's actually a breakup tune. And if you don’t consider them as much of a boy band as their predecessors because they don’t dance, just remember that the Jonas Brothers wrote lyrics like, “Next time I see you/ Givin’ you a high five/ ‘Cause hugs are overrated just FYI.” Who needs choreography when you’ve got lines like that? -- T.W.

62. Wanna One, "Energetic" (2017)

“Energetic” is pop formula tweaked to such perfection that it transcends being generic: Small wonder why it was the fan-voted debut song for the reality television-created K-pop group, Wanna One. The slow piano opening gradually builds into a propulsive dance track, marked by monotonous deep house beats simmering below whirring synths. Jaehwan reaches stratospheric notes while Daniel impresses as the center dancer. The temporary supergroup’s first foray outside of Produce 101 became a showcase for the newly formed synergy between the 11 handpicked members. -- C.K.

61. East 17, "Stay Another Day" (1994)

A ballad with no rhythm track and just sparse instrumentation, with the vocals of the English quartet's put firmly front and center. Good idea, since the group has the chops to shine through, and the song -- written by East 17 member Tony Mortimer, at least in part about his brother's suicide -- is a stunner, the rare boy band ballad that could accurately be described as elegiac. -- A.U.

60. Musical Youth, "Pass the Dutchie" (1982)

The Billboard listings of the early '80s were hardly littered with reggae bops from underage U.K. outfits, but the diverse playlists of MTV's infancy helped alllow for many such unexpected crossovers. "Pass the Dutchie" was a retooling of a marijuana-themed Mighty Diamonds song, made into a more despairing poverty lament (a "dutchie" is a cooking pot) -- but that wasn't what listeners latched onto as much as the song's infectious bass groove, singalong chorus and unforgettable ad libs ("Ribbit!"). -- A.U.

59. Backstreet Boys, "Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)" (1997)

It's hard to believe that the Backstreet Boys have been around for almost a quarter of a century, but perfect mid-tempo jams like this remind us of why they’re the GOAT. This classic was released in May 1997, ahead of their debut album, and it eventually went platinum and climbed to No. 2 on the Billboard Hot 100. Also, who can forget how everyone wore matching white pants in the music video? Iconic. -- GAB GINSBERG

58. PRETTYMUCH, "Would You Mind?" (2017)

Simon Cowell’s new pet project can sing and dance as well as the rest of them, but their a cappella skills set them apart from the rest. The group's breakthrough single kicks off with some perfectly harmonized vocalization, and a slamming beat that throws back to the Fresh Prince era. It’s the band’s debut track, and it remains one of their best. -- G.G.

58. EXO, "Growl" (2013)

A brilliant example of finely produced pop, “Growl” remains one of the most emblematic K-pop songs of all time. EXO’s 2013 hit brought the then-12-member act to new heights with its blend of R&B, pop, and Southern hip-hop. The songwriting played up the group’s size and vocal diversity with its tempo changes and tonal shifts, as sweeping harmonies, commanding raps, and heavy-handed Auto-Tune surround the funky “I growl, growl, growl” hook. -- T.H.

56. New Kids on the Block, "Tonight" (1990)

Between its opening guitar plucks and its repeating “la la la las,” “Tonight” slides back and forth between a slow love ballad and a fast-paced jam. But besides being an underrated, uncharacteristic New Kids on the Block gem, the song also serves as a tribute to the fans who screamed and cried for NKOTB as they bounded their way to the top, paving the way for other boy bands to do the same — most notably with Backstreet Boys' "Larger Than Life.” -- D.W.

55. The Click Five, "Just the Girl" (2005)

You might know this power-pop gem -- written by Fountains of Wayne bassist Adam Schlesinger -- from the John Tucker Must Die soundtrack; otherwise, anyone watching Disney Channel during the year 2005 was undoubtedly obsessed with it. It peaked at No. 11 on the Billboard Hot 100, making it The Click Five's most commercially successful single to date. Best listened to in a sandwich containing their other bops "Good Day" and "Pop Princess." -- G.G.

54. Soul for Real, "Candy Rain" (1995)

“Have you ever loved someone/ So much you thought you'd die?” typically aren’t the dramatic opening lyrics you expect to hear from guys in their teens and early twenties, but this hopeless devotion is what made Soul 4 Real’s “Candy Rain” a song to adore from the first listen. On the surface, the track is immediately compelling as an R&B jam due to its subtle New Jack Swing influence. But their harmonized croons of puppy love is what gives the track its boy band appeal. -- B.G.

53. Menudo, "Hold Me" (1985)

Menudo’s “Hold Me” was the Latin teen sensations' only song to chart in Billboard’s Hot 100, peaking No. 62 in 1985.  The English-language song featured a new generation of members -- with Charlie Massó, Roy Rosselló, Robi Rosa, Raymond Acevedo and, of course, Ricky Martin -- and a sparkling synth-pop sound, to go with an impossibly infectious chorus, which made it a seamless fit in mid-'80s American pop. -- S.F.

52. *NSYNC, "It's Gonna Be Me" (2000)

As *NSYNC's sole Billboard Hot 100 No. 1 hit -- incredibly enough -- "It's Gonna Be Me" benefits from pop mastermind Max Martin's magic touch and an insanely catchy cascading hook. Just as importantly, the turn-of-the-century classic sparked one of the best memes of all time: Thank you, Justin Timberlake, for making the word "me" sound like "may," thereby launching a thousand iterations of “It’s Gonna Be May” jokes. Even a photo of Ramen noodles does the trick these days. -- G.G.

51. O-Town, "Liquid Dreams" (2000)

The debut single of the Making the Band-assembled Orlando quintet O-Town, "Liquid Dreams" made a first impression quite unlike any other in boy band history -- essentially compiling the group's own canon of turn-of-the-century hotties (Tyra, Madonna, HALLE B!, etc.) and casting them as the "star of [their] liquid dreams." The implications are squirmy, no doubt -- though the approach is so quintessentially adolescent it's hard to see it as anything grosser than run-of-the-mill teenage perviness. But the group's horny energy is well-harnassed by the squelching beat and clever songwriting, and the overstuffed chorus is as sticky as, well... we've already said too much. -- A.U.

50. CNCO, "Reggaeton Lento" (2016)

CNCO's "Reggaeton Lento," released in 2016 and part of their debut album Primera Cita, is the song that really broke the La Banda-formed quintet internationally, especially with its Spanglish version with Little Mix. "Reggaeton" topped Billboard's Latin Pop Airplay for one week in Feb. 25, 2017, and racked up over half a billion combined Spotify spins between its two versions, thanks to the song's exhilarating chorus and undeniable title-described bounce. -- S.F.

49. BTS, "DNA" (2017)

For much of the general American public, “DNA” was a welcome first time with BTS. The earworm of a hook is built around a scale-sliding whistle sample, while the acoustic guitar adds an earthy dimension to the EDM-heavy collage of sounds. The septet trades their more hard-hitting hip hop for poppier fare, while their flow lightens in step with the galloping beat of the song. A historic No. 67 hit on the Hot 100 in October 2017, it's fair to say the global superstars behind "DNA" have found their destiny as record-breakers who continue to destabilize Western assumptions about K-pop. -- C.K.

48. 5ive, "When the Lights Go Out" (1998)

For me, boy bands who weren’t afraid to be a little raunchy were always more appealing. And the London-bred 5ive preferred to get down and dirty with songs like “When The Lights Go Out.” Don’t let the dance-pop production fool you -- this was not the typical Max Martin bubblegum jam. The menacing synths and booming bass match the intensity of the lyrics. The single soon became an international smash, peaking at No. 10 on the Hot 100, proving there were plenty of boy band fans who wanted to get their freak on in poor visibility. -- B.G.

47. 98 Degrees, "Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche)" (2000)

The suave boy band had already found mainstream success with 1998’s 98 and Rising and subsequent holiday album This Christmas, which raised the stakes for its follow up, 2000’s Revelation. Lead single “Give Me Just One Night (Una Nocha)” marked a turning point for the quartet, who graduated from boys to men with a turn-of-the-century, Latin-inflected bilingual bid to score with a love interest -- scoring their biggest hit as a lead artist on the Hot 100 to date in the process. -- S.J.H.

46. Troop, "All I Do Is Think of You" (1990)

A second-generation boy band hit -- the ballad was originally a B-side to the Jackson 5's "Forever Came Today" single back in the mid-'70s. Nonetheless, Troop's early-'90s version became near-definitive; with its lush, layered harmonies, gauzy production, and molasses-slow sway, imbuing every lyric with the rose-colored daydreaminess you'd expect from a song with this title and chorus. -- A.U.

45. Backstreet Boys, "Larger Than Life" (1999)

The vocoder. The harmonies. The gigantic chorus.  “Larger Than Life” has everything you need in a late-'90s boy band anthem. But the Backstreet Boys took the “grateful for our fans” playbook that NKOTB used with “Tonight” and turned it up a notch for the turn of the millennium. The Boys weren’t just thanking us; they made us larger than life right along with them. -- D.W.

44. Super Junior, "It's You" (2009)

Coming off of the success of their mega-hit “Sorry Sorry,” Super Junior served up near-perfection with their rhythmic electro-pop track “It’s You.” Driven by clapping beats and wispy synths, the group dramatically declares their feelings for a lover as the song blends dance and ballad elements. There’s a sense of heartfelt fervor in the tune, as breathy verses lead into the surge of the tick-tocking chorus, before dropping back into a soft, repeated refrain of “oh, only for you.” It may not have seen the virality of its predecessor, but “It’s You” served up melodic glory from the boy band, and remains one of their finest moments. --T.H.

43. 2Gether, "U + Me = Us (Calculus)" (2000)

MTV cobbled together a fake boy band as a response to the pop music explosion in the late ‘90s and the sudden proliferation of all-male groups. But the network pulled quite the trick: Even though their songs were satirical, they were done in such step with the musical style of the time that they actually worked about as well as the songs parodied. “U + Me = Us (Calculus)” may be hung on a purposefully ridiculous theme and start with a nonsense intro ("I'm losing my hair and my vision is shady/ Last night I dreamt of an overweight lady") , but the harmonies are strong and the tune is catchy -- as was the rest of their eponymous 2000 debut, which peaked at No. 35 on the Billboard 200. -- S.J.H.

42. One Direction, "Steal My Girl" (2014)

The first single off Four marks the beginning of the end of One Direction's original lineup, as "Steal My Girl" plays on the depth of their singular voices and their strength as a five-man outfit. Harry, Niall, Liam, Louis and Zayn show they've got the range on "Steal My Girl," which has them bouncing from soft, sensitive verses to the track's belt-it-out chorus in the drop of a single measure. They all praise the object of their affection for her one-in-a-million originality, making "Steal My Girl" less of a jealous anthem and more an all-caps love letter that just so happens to sound great when an entire arena is singing along with it. (Added bonus: The video that accompanies "Steal My Girl" is one of the best the lads released, with a surreal cast of characters -- including a marching band, a friendly chimpanzee, some sumo wrestlers, a cluster of ballerinas and ... Danny DeVito.) -- HILARY HUGHES

41. TVXQ!, "Mirotic" (2009)

The last single released by TVXQ! to feature their original five-member lineup, this simmering electro-pop song is a dark, sultry tune that thrives on its offbeat production. Serving up powerful vocals, notably MAX’s belting and XIA’s crooning, over a reverse bass beat, fizzy synths, and layered harmonies, “Mirotic” is the magnificent epitome of what K-pop sounded and felt like in the late 2000s. Like many such classics, it was mired in controversy after Korean censors determined that its hook of “I got you/ under my skin” was too erotic for general airplay, ensuring that “Mirotic” was remembered as one of the sexiest songs the iconic K-pop act ever released. -- T.H.

40. SoulDecision, "Faded" (1999)

The seductive bass line of “Faded" makes it no secret that SoulDecision’s biggest hit is one scandalous track, and listening closely to the lyrics make that very clear. Yet the groovy melody makes “Faded” so catchy that the super-forwardness of the song’s message (i.e. “At the end of the night when I make your mind/ You’ll be coming on home with me”) is disguised in a way that makes anyone want to dance, and the seductively breathy vocals are convincing enough that the pick-up plea might actually end up working. -- T.W.

39. Son by Four, "A Puro Dolor" (1999)

Son By Four's heart-rending "A Puro Dolor" is a timeless fan favorite that boasts more than 114 million views on YouTube. In 2001, the band -- founded in 1996 by brothers Carlos and Jorge Montes, their cousin Pedro Quiles and Ángel López, who has since left the group -- took home seven awards at the Billboard Latin Music Awards, including Hot Latin Tracks Artist of the Year and Billboard Latin 50 Artist of the Year, as the sweeping romantic ballad spent a then-record 20 weeks atop the Hot Latin Songs chart. -- J.A.

38. B2K feat. P. Diddy, "Bump Bump Bump" (2002)

Ghoulies, ghosties, long-leggedy beasties, and, apparently, one eye-catching lady who should be in magazines -- these are the things that go bump (bump, bump) in the night. The 2002 track was the quartet’s only chart-topping hit, but, really, it owes its success to a certain trio: Omarion, the song’s lead vocalist and the group’s breakout star; R. Kelly, who wrote and produced the slinky club jam; and P. Diddy, who peppers the song with ad-libs and endearing come-ons like the kind of wingman you’d want by your side for a night out. -- N.F.

37. The Osmonds, "One Bad Apple" (1970)

Originally written for The Jackson 5 -- who were busy working on a No. 1 hit of their own still to come on this list, so no harm, no foul -- "One Bad Apple" become the lone Hot 100-topper for the Osmonds, thanks to its chipper electric piano groove, stop-start hook and 12-year-old Donny's unexpectedly snap-to-attention chorus entrance: "OHHHHHH give it one more time/ Before you GIVE UP ON LOOOOOVE!" As any boy band worth their natural sugar knows, you're never too young to risk total romantic disillusionment. -- A.U.

36. O-Town, "All or Nothing" (2001)

Boy band whisperer Steve Mac (who would go on to work with Westlife, One Direction and The Wanted, among others) co-wrote and produced this pillar of turn-of-the-century teenage angst, which Making the Band's O-Town sold with the overwrought urgency of a regional theater actor auditioning for a production of Rent. But as extra as "All or Nothing" is, don't pretend you're belting along with that chorus at karaoke just to be ironic -- you know damn well it's a catharsis you badly need. -- J. Lynch

35. The Wanted, "Glad You Came" (2011)

Sure, any boy band song could light up a club for the sake of nostalgia, but there aren’t many that can do so without being completely obvious that it’s even coming from a boy band in the first place. While timing certainly played into The Wanted’s ability to slide their way into Top 40, they also had a bit of a sonic advantage because of the maturity in their voices, which ultimately makes breakout single "Glad You Came" as alluring and sexy as it is. The song's roaring beat is enough to get people out of their seats, but then you add the chorus chants and The Wanted's seductive delivery and you’ve got a smash -- proven by the song's No. 3 peak on the Hot 100. -- T.W.

34. Color Me Badd, "I Wanna Sex You Up" (1991)

Most ‘90s boy bands used PG innuendos when it came to singing about sex. But the at-least-PG-13 Color Me Badd didn’t have time for all of that subtlety, so they cut to the chase on debut single “I Wanna Sex You Up.” If the bold title didn’t make things clear enough, the horny lyrics about "makin' love until we drown" surely did. The bouncy New Jack Swing beat, those tight “Ooo, ooo, ooo, ooh!” harmonies and lead singer Bryan Abrams’ breathy vocals added to the formula that shot this song No. 2 on the Billboard Hot 100. -- B.G.

33. Soul for Real, "Every Little Thing I Do" (1995)

“Candy Rain” was the bigger hit for Heavy D’s band of brothers, but the four Dalyrimple siblings shone brightest on the second single, “Every Little Thing I Do.” Deploying a sample from the Gap Band’s god-level ode to joy “Outstanding,” “Every Little Thing I Do” is the moodier number, conjuring the all-consuming power of a crush. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t do your homework without thinking of the person. They’re everywhere, as inescapable as a pop song. -- R.S.

32. Jonas Brothers, "Burnin' Up" (2008)

Rumored to be inspired by Prince, this was an incredible summer jam that received enough radio play and critics’ attention in the late '00s to propel Nick, Kevin and Joe well out of the Disney Channel box and into Top 40's funky center. The JoBro’s bodyguard Robert "Big Rob" Feggans also has an unforgettable feature, and he used to come out on stage with the boys to rap his part live during the 2008 Burnin' Up Tour. The video is equally iconic, with Nick Jonas saving his then-girlfriend Selena Gomez in a James Bond-style sequence. -- G.G.

31. All 4 One, "I Swear" (1994)

Originally recorded as a country song by John Michael Montgomery, All-4-One’s version of “I Swear” has the distinction of being one of the few Grammy-winning boy band songs on this list, as the winner for best pop performance by a duo or group in 1995. More than two decades later, the hook makes it easy to understand how this was a No. 1 hit in several countries: those two titular words slice away any doubt of commitment, and the swelling emotion comes gift-wrapped within that four-part harmony. Cheesy, yet timeless. -- J. Lipshutz

30. New Edition, "Cool It Now" (1984)

One of the most hyperactive songs ever written about the need to keep things chill, "Cool It Now" is effervescent from its opening drum count-off, and stays a Pixy Stix-like energy rush for its entire three-and-a-half minute runtime. The call-and-response vocals between lead singer Ralph Tresvant and the rest of the group throughout the pre-chorus and hook are classic, but of course the song is a standout in NE's early catalog primarily for Tresvant's mid-song rap, providing perhaps the first (and almost certainly the greatest) roll call in boy band history: "Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike/ If I like the girl who cares who you like?" -- A.U.

29. New Kids on the Block, "You Got It (The Right Stuff)" (1988)

There are many reasons New Kids on the Block are one of the all-time boy band greats, and this early hit is near the top of the list. The jazzy and oh-so-‘80s beat, the cheesy-flirty lyrics and of course the “oh oh, oh-oh-oh” chants made “You Got It (The Right Stuff)” a great track to begin with. Then they unveiled the unforgettable leg-swinging choreography in the black-and-white video and took it to the next level. It may not quite be the quintessential NKOTB jam, but it is the one that proved they indeed had all the right stuff for the boy band pantheon. -- T.W.

28. 112 feat. The Notorious B.I.G., "Only You" (1996)

Bad Boy quartet 112 emerged in the back-end of the '90s with better harmonies, fresher beats and more unshakeable songs than the great majority of their contemporaries -- and a not-so-secret weapon in the longing vocals of Marvin "Slim" Scandrick, one of the decade's most inimitable vocalists. "Only You" was their breakout hit, a mid-tempo shuffle as sleek and stunning as its flash-popping music video, with a chorus undeniable in its simplicity: "Girl I want to be with you/ No one else, only you." Still, if you remember the song for one thing -- aside from Puff Daddy intoning "I thought I told you that we won't stop" on its classic remix -- it's that yearning Slim entrance: "I need you in my life!" -- A.U.

27. BigBang, "Fantastic Baby" (2012)

It would be incredibly difficult to imagine what K-pop would look like without BIGBANG’s game changing 2012 hit “Fantastic Baby.” The anarchic hip-house track raised the bar for the genre, overflowing with vibrancy as it bounces between sonic styles. Dominated by bright digital thumps and soaring synth wails, “Fantastic Baby” thrives on brain-sticking phrases like “I wanna da-da-da-da-dance” and “boom shakalaka,” making it one of the most infectious boy band songs ever released. -- T.H.

26. Menudo, "Subéte a Mi Moto" (1981)

“Súbete a Mi Moto” became an instant classic in the pre-Ricky Martin era of Latin America’s original lycra pant-wearing boy band, Menudo. The song was first included on the 1981 album Quiero Ser, but a new version of the rocking pre-teen pick-up anthem was featured in the 1983 movie Una Aventura Llamada Menudo, which had the Puerto Rican group’s crush-stricken fans screaming all over the Spanish-speaking world. -- Judy Cantor-Navas​

25. The Jackson 5, "I'll Be There" (1970)

It's the source of some of the dreamiest harmonies ever recorded, and the song that proved the Jackson 5 were capable of more than just perennial party-starters. Michael Jackson was only 11 years old when recorded the group's biggest hit, but he displays a tenderness and control that performers twice his age would be jealous of, absolutely selling lyrics he couldn't possibly have been old enough to fully understand. As his brothers' vocals come in, the song builds and builds without ever totally blowing the roof off -- a timeless testament to the power of restraint. -- N.F.

24. *NSYNC, "Gone" (2001)

The third-album JT vocal showcase that proved that there would be life after *NSYNC for at least one of its members, "Gone" was also a heartbreak ballad of musical and emotional sophistication that would've been unimaginable in the days when the quintet was covering Bread slow jams and dressing up in straitjackets for super-literal music videos. The bridge is downright surreal, as the sparse beat drops out entirely, the meter all but dissolves, and the five members sound like they're swarming Timberlake's subconscious, until he breaks out for a final chorus of matserful ad libs. But it all comes back to that one word: harrowing, relentless and unmistakably final. -- A.U.

23. Jodeci, "Come and Talk to Me" (1992)

Before Jodeci was giving us an onslaught of naughty-as-hell baby-making music, the foursome played it a little safer on their debut album, Forever My Lady. The single “Come and Talk to Me” became an instant favorite as the guys play shy while trying to approach a lady in a respectful manner. (Remember those days?) Lead singer JoJo seduced women everywhere with his vocal charm, while DeVanté Swing, Mr. Dalvin and K-Ci swooped in with their pristine harmonies on the chorus. And if the slow jam wasn’t enough, Puff Daddy blessed us with a hip-hop remix that was arguably even better than the original. -- B.G.

22. The Beatles, "She Loves You" (1963)

An almost-unthinkable 55 years (!!) after its initial release, The Beatles' second No. 1 single on the Hot 100 still feels a live wire from its very first measure: the briefest of Ringo drum fills, and then straight to the hook ("She loves you, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!"), essentially the genesis of the entire power-pop genre before the song really even starts. "She Loves You" pulls back a bit for the disarming John/Paul harmonies of its verse, but goes back in for the chorus, which reduces the love song form to its bluntest simplicity: "She said she loves you/ And you know that can't be bad/ She loves you, and you know you should be glad." And then they hit 'em with an "Oooooo!," just in case there are any girls in the back still standing. -- A.U.

21. The Monkees, "I'm a Believer" (1966)

The only downside to the Monkees’ career-defining hit is that it spawned a Smash Mouth cover that’s gotten almost as much 21st-century play as the original. The Neil Diamond-penned original track had Mickey Dolenz gushing about how the right love could make a man believe in the stuff of storybook romance, and the Day-Glo organ notes of the chorus would go on to serve as one of the most recognizable sounds of ‘60s pop. “I’m A Believer” was one of the group's most successful efforts on the charts, too: It peaked at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in December 1966, where it’d remain for a seven-week stretch. The song is almost old enough to collect AARP benefits, but its popularity continues to grow -- “I’m A Believer” is far and away the group’s most popular track on Spotify, with a whopping 76 million plays. -- H.H.

20. 5 Seconds of Summer, "She Looks So Perfect" (2014)

Not quite as traditional as the One Direction boys that helped introduce them to the world, 5 Seconds of Summer declared they were aiming more for arena rock than pop anthems. But “She Looks So Perfect” doubled as both, catering to those who appreciate guitar-heavy jams and the girls who were squealing over 1D’s adorableness. With lyrics that make you swoon (“If I showed up with a plane ticket/ And a shiny diamond ring with your name on it/ Would you wanna run away too?/ 'Cause all I really want is you”) and a sneakily scandalous reference to American Apparel underwear, 5SOS' anthemic breakout hit is the perfect mix of grungy and innocent — practically putting them in their own lane of boy band. -- T.W.

19. LFO, "Summer Girls" (1999)

One of the most woefully underrated boy bands of the late ‘90s era was LFO, led by singer-songwriter Rich Cronin and rounded out by Brad Fischetti and Devin Lima. Along with the starry-eyed “Girl on TV,” “Summer Girls” was one of the trio’s tickets to turn-of-the-millennium fame: a rap-splashed, quasi-ridiculous cataloguing of cultural touchstones from the time (Abercrombie & Fitch, Fun Dip, Cherry Coke) and oddball throwbacks (Eric B. & Rakim, The Incredible Mr. Limpet, "Billy" Shakespeare) that cemented their boy band legacy with a No. 3 peak on the Hot 100, and continues to enchant and perplex fans in equal measure a generation later. -- S.J.H.

18. Backstreet Boys, "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" (1998)

We have Denniz PoP and Max Martin to thank for this earworm that was the embodiment of pure late-'90s dance-pop. Backstreet Boys were already leading the pre-millennium era with their lovey-dovey ballads, but “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back) had a tangible energy that proved the guys were on a path to take over pop music -- and pretty much the entire world. The bombastic production was filled with clinking sound effects, “Ooh, ooh!” call outs and vocal commands that convinced you the guys were truly back from... wherever they were coming from. The song was also a necessary shift in their music, as they previously shaped their career with heartstring-tugging ballads and love songs. But Nick Carter, the band’s youngest member, helped usher them into PG-13 territory with one simple question: “Am I SEX-U-AL?" -- B.G.

17. Bay City Rollers, "Saturday Night" (1975)

Taking the stomp and swagger of glam rock but de-fanging it with a homecoming-styled chant and lyrics about teens pursuing the '50s version of fun, this 1976 Hot 100 No. 1 exemplifies the Bay City Rollers' brilliant knack for taking the sounds of the era out of the clubs and into the suburbs. But even the cynics couldn't fully resist the Rollers -- there's an exuberance and guileless joy to their delivery that, well, rolls through your defenses. Case in point: Prickly pub-rocker Nick Lowe's rapturous tribute not to the band per se, but to the indescribable joy they gave their fans. -- J. Lynch

16. BTS, "Blood, Sweat & Tears" (2016)

“Blood, Sweat & Tears” was the tipping point of BTS’ career, with its ethereal melodies delivering up the K-pop group’s most captivating sound to date. The 2016 hit embraces the sense of desperation that the septet had featured on previous singles, like “I Need U” and “Save Me,” and mixes those emotions with sparkling tropical house synths and moombahton beats. Built around a circuitous choral refrain and layered instrumentals, the verses vacillate between sentimental crooning and undulating raps in a show of the members’ vocal prowess. -- T.H.

15. The Jackson 5, "ABC" (1970)

The Jackson 5 stood as one of the foundational boy bands of not just their time, but essentially every group that came after them. Led by a falsetto-scraping Michael Jackson just getting a taste for fame, the quintet became the first collective of its kind to score four consecutive No. 1s on the Hot 100 -- the second of which was “ABC,” a carefree, spirited crowd-pleaser hooked onto one of the must fundamental aspects of humanity: letters and numbers. The song's gleeful bounce was so timeless and universal that two decades later, it helped propel a very different sort of three-letter title to the charts' top tier. -- S.J.H.

14. New Edition, "Candy Girl" (1983)

New Edition helped carry the torch from the Jackson 5 into the ‘80s. Put together by boy band mastermind Maurice Starr -- who also also assembled New Kids on the Block later in the decade -- the quintet managed to hold their own with their up-to-date style and sound, thanks to production from Starr and Arthur Baker, sending their 1983 debut album Candy Girl and its title track single to chart success. The song, a light, hip-hop-inflected take on the boy band sound set before them, was fresh and innocent, with a chorus every bit as tooth-rottingly sweet as you'd expect from the title -- a prelude to the maturation that would unfold across their records through the next century. -- S.J.H.

13. Aventura, "Obsesion" (2002)

“Obsesión” was the breakthrough song for Aventura, the bilingual band of Dominican-American cousins from the Bronx who would bring an urban flavor to the traditional island genre bachata and take it to the world. The haunting 2002 track hit No. 1 in countries including France, Germany, Italy and Austria, and topped Billboard's Eurochart, compiling sales from 18 countries. But, although it seems unimaginable today given that ex-member Romeo Santos is one of the biggest Latin superstars, the original Spanish-language “Obsesión” did not make the Hot Latin Songs chart. A bilingual version was subsequently released, and the song would finally crash the Hot 100 in 2005 -- though only in the form of Frankie J and Baby Bash's cover version, "Obsession (No Es Amor)." -- J. C-N

12. *NSYNC, "Bye Bye Bye" (2000)

It’s already one of the most decisive breakup anthems in pop history, with an iconic dance move to match. (Call it the Pac-Man puppet show wave.) But the lead single from *NSYNC’s blockbuster No Strings Attached LP also signaled a clean slate for the group as well: “Bye Bye Bye” was their first release after a messy split from late ex-manager Lou Pearlman, and its commercial success -- the stomping, quintessential Max Martin beat and echoing hook helped No Strings Attached go platinum in one day -- proved the group would never again spend a second in Backstreet Boys' shadow. -- N.F.

11. Take That, "Back for Good" (1995)

In the U.K., the group was a phenomenon of near-Beatlemania proportions -- when the quintet initially split in 1996, the British government need to set up emergency hotlines to counsel the grief-stricken young fans threatening self-harm -- but in the U.S., we only got a single song. What a one-off, though: "Back for Good" was the perfect mid-'90s ballad, delicately delivering one of the most bulletproof boy band sentiments via lush harmonies and gentle acoustics, with a music video that earns the dramatics of its black-and-white downpour. It's guaranteed to instantly transport you back to a time and place from its opening strum. And those distraught fans eventually got their own "Back for Good" wish: Take That reunited in 2005 and are still around today. -- A.U.

10. Hanson, "MMMBop" (1997)

The words are inscrutable. But the melody is infectious. And if you’ve heard it once, you’re unlikely to forget the chorus. The made up "mmmbop" stands tall in the hearts of millennials -- recalling the tune brings about only joyous MTV-filtered memories of baggy pants and rollerblades. Musically, it does exactly what we want boy band songs to do -- grab onto our ears and never let go. (And it doesn't hurt that the long hair of the brother trio evokes the later years of the most-famous of boy bands: The Beatles.) -- D.W.

9. NoEXIT, "Back Here" (1999)

Mark Jeremy Barry, Derek Mcnally and Stephen Adel Burns -- NoEXIT -- engineered one astonishingly effortless pop-rock single during their time in the spotlight as guitar-toting counter-programming to *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys. No, they didn’t have dance moves or Timberlake looks, but NoEXIT had loaded their fairly straightforward mash note with a pristine balance of catchiness, charisma and cathartic sing-along moments; to that last point, the landing of the “Until you’re BACK here baby” chorus opening is only rivaled by the bridge’s echoing falsetto (“And I wonderrrr (wonder, wonder)...”). “Pleasant” is a word that could describe “Back Here,” but that sells short how successful it is at being aw-shucks likable and worthy of return. Few pop songs in general hit their mark as cleanly as “Back Here,” and for that, this British trio and earned a place in boy band history. -- J. Lipshtuz

8. New Kids on the Block, "Step by Step" (1990)

The iconic title track from the Boston boy band’s third album had all the hallmarks of an early-‘90s smash, from the canned strings and drum machines working overtime to the synths and smooth harmonies of Jordan, Danny, Donnie, Joey and Jonathan. Complete with a goofy solo section that had Jordan Knight busting out his best falsetto and a music video that delivered their fanciest footwork yet (along with a Mark Wahlberg cameo), “Step By Step” laid the groundwork for the next generation of boy bands with a single song. Musically, it showed the New Kids’ strength as a five-man vocal unit, while also highlighting them individually. Visually… let’s just say the wardrobe choices and dance moves have remained unrevived in the decades since for a reason. (Donnie’s Public Enemy t-shirt of course being the lone exception.) -- H.H.

7. The Monkees, "Daydream Believer" (1967)

Musically sophisticated enough to thrive in the year of Sgt. Pepper, but undeniably tuneful enough to become the group's third and final Hot 100-topping hit, the John Stewart-penned "Daydream Believer" brought The Monkees to the boy band precipice, showing they would not be the province of lunchboxes and daytime TV for much longer. But a half-century later, the song's pristine poppiness remains overpowering; like all truly great productions, it remains captivating from its opening piano plinks to its sweeping orchestral fade, and like all truly great chourses, its lyrics ("Cheer up, Sleepy Jean/ Oh what can it mean, to a/ Daydream believer and a homecoming queen") can mean as much or as little as you choose to believe. -- A.U.

6. New Edition, "Can You Stand the Rain" (1988)

It only takes three lines for the clouds to arrive. Johnny Gill’s satin voice unfurls sunshine (“On a perfect day, I know that I can count on you”) just as quickly as he hides it away (“Tell me can you weather the storm?”). New Edition’s most beloved ballad, “Can You Stand the Rain” gets deep for a boy band, asking the question that every partnership must eventually face: When times get rough, will you stick it out? The strength and flexibility of that central metaphor means the song grows up as you do -- the storm could be high-school miscommunication one year and then something more mature further down the road.

The only thing in life that’s certain is that production from Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis will always knock. And because “Can You Stand the Rain?” is an R&B song, even more than a boy band cut, the guys find a way to work hard-fought, post-trauma make-up sex into the track, as the the sound of gentle rain appears three minutes in and Mike Bivins whispers, “C’mon baby -- let’s go get wet.” Cue thunder. -- R.S.

5. *NSYNC, "Tearin' Up My Heart" (1998)

After kicking off their career with a timeless boy band plea, *NSYNC continued the heartbroken sentiment with “Tearin’ Up My Heart.” But there was something about the hard-hitting beat of their second single that made it even more awe-inspiring than the first: It had a similar sound to its predecessor, but brought a higher energy and a sharper hook that makes the song just as potent now as it was in the late ‘90s. Although J.C. Chasez takes most of the lead vocals on the track, the harmonies provided by the rest of the group on the chorus make it about as quintessential as boy band songs come, with the rolling pop melody and funky pre-verse breakdown helping it really soar. As Chasez told Billboard earlier this year, “Tearin’ Up My Heart” was "'I Want You Back 2.0'” -- solidifying *NSYNC as being on their way to becoming one of the most iconic American vocal groups of all time. -- T.W.

4. One Direction, "What Makes You Beautiful" (2011)

You don’t get to amass a small nation of young, heart-emoji-eyed fans without songs they can insert themselves into -- songs that let you (yes, you!) pretend you’re the one these coiffed dreamboats have been searching for all this time. One Direction didn’t just understand that, they practically staked a career on it, when they debuted in 2011 with a song about something many teens and pre-teens know all too well: low-self esteem.

Built around a guitar riff borrowed from the McCoys’ 1965 track “Hang on Sloopy,” “What Makes You Beautiful” had the effect of breaking pop’s fourth wall, practically doing away with a fictional love interest to provide a confidence boost directly to their listeners. At times, this approach could cross the line into condescension -- see their sophomore album's “Little Things,” which finds the boys of 1D running through an alarmingly detailed list of a lover’s insecurities as proof of devotion -- but at least the giddy enthusiasm of “Beautiful” came from a genuine place: Hitmaker Savan Kotecha says he wrote the song for his wife after she was down on herself during a rough morning. -- N.F.

3. The Beatles, "I Want to Hold Your Hand" (1963)

Critics and even fans cite material from 1966 and beyond as examples of the band's genius and influence, but historically speaking, The Beatles' most seismic impact on Planet Earth was when these four lads from Liverpool smiled into Ed Sullivan's cameras sang about the most innocuous of romantic gestures. Hey you, cute teenager sitting at your parents feet on the carpet -- "I Want to Hold Your Hand." Innocent enough that the parents couldn't get angry, but vague enough that it left plenty of room for a girl to dream.

That Leave It to Beaver version of courtship mixed with the urgency of their Chuck Berry-meets-girl group sonic palette -- with no shortage of harmonies or handclaps -- changed pop music and teen culture forever. After this, no one would underestimate the economic value of attaching a pretty face and wholesome smile to a song aimed at teenagers. From Jackson 5 to One Direction, the boy band canon starts here. -- J. Lynch

2. The Jackson 5, "I Want You Back" (1969)

The Jackson 5 defined what it meant to be a boy band a decade before the members of *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys were even born. The brothers perfected the formula for a catchy pop song and turned it into Motown gold with debut single “I Want You Back.” Young Michael’s opening “Uh-huh-huhhh-huhhh” notes set the tone for the all-ages tune, and his tearful croons about wanting his lover back were so mature it made you forget he was only a preteen himself when the song was released. His brothers anchored his remorseful emotions with sticky-sweet harmonies, soulful licks on the guitar, and an overall bubblegum essence that still continues to capture hearts for generations to come -- from drunken nights at karaoke to a singalong session at family barbecues. “I Want You Back” remains a timeless, joyous treasure, one that remains to be replicated in pop. -- B.G.

1. Backstreet Boys, "I Want It That Way"

When "I Want It That Way" took off in 1999, it felt like the entire century's worth of pop music had been clearing the runway for it. From Tin Pan Alley to the Brill Building, The Beatles to Boyz II Men, this is what it seemed like it had all been leading up to: A boy band mid-tempo ballad so big and so brilliant that you'd lived a lifetime with it by the time it was done its first spin. It learned nonsense lyrics from ABBA, it learned bridges from Diane Warren, it learned key changes from Bon Jovi, and it mixed its history with an eye to the future, where pop music would expand to such sizes that rock would begin to look puny by comparison. Its parent album was called Millennium for a reason.

Somehow, "I Want It That Way" only peaked at No. 6 on the Billboard Hot 100; *NSYNC's Gloria Estefan collab "Music of the Heart," which 3/5 of the group probably doesn't even remember recording at this point, peaked four spots higher. But along with Britney Spears' "Baby One More Time," "I Want It That Way" has endured as the pop song of an entire generation; all you have to do is start any '80s baby off with a "You are..." and they'll be sure to fill in the rest. It was the definitive boy band song from the definitive boy band era, and needless to say, we wouldn't want it any other way. -- A.U.

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Ranking Every NFL Team's Super Bowl Chances

With eight weeks of the 2017 NFL season in the books (we all know the Chiefs are beating the Broncos on Monday night so we can do this now), it's time to take stock of each team's Super Bowl chances. You're probably saying, "That's silly, because not all 32 teams have a chance at a Super Bowl."

You're right, but those teams are great for the purpose of making jokes.

Let's get right into it, because 32 is a lot of teams.

32. San Francisco 49ers (0-8) — lmao

31. Cleveland Browns (0-8) — lol

30. New York Giants (1-6) — OK, so maybe doing this with all 32 teams was a little ambitious. The good news is the New England Patriots are looking like the favorites to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, and everyone knows Tom Brady can't beat Eli Manning in a Super Bowl. The bad news is the only time we're seeing Odell Beckham in a Super Bowl is in that painful ad with the Silicon Valley guy who mixes up sports terminology at the press conference like a TOTAL NERD, lol learn sports, nerd!

29. Indianapolis Colts (2-6) — What if the reason Andrew Luck hasn't played this season is because he's undergoing surgery and treatment that will allow him to become Wolverine? The reports surrounding Luck's "injury" have been odd, with the story changing every couple weeks. Even his name—Luck—would be a cool X-Men name. The Colts will be a tough out in January if their quarterback can't be tackled by regular humans.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5) — When you combine a former Florida State quarterback with a former Jacksonville Jaguars offensive coordinator, you should just be happy to have the 28th-best team in the NFL.

27. Oakland Raiders (3-5) — Just move this stupid franchise to the moon already. In hindsight, a team coming off a breakout season signing a guy who had retired for a year just because he's from the area was an odd choice. And, I mean, Marshawn Lynch is clearly his own guy, so him running on the field to fight some dudes mid-game does, in hindsight, seem inevitable. We should have known the Raiders would screw this up.

26. New York Jets (3-5) — The way I see it, the Jets may have the best chance of winning the Super Bowl, because these are the Jets, and whatever they want to do, the opposite happens. Since they're trying to tank, finishing 9-7 and winning the Super Bowl has about an 80 percent chance of happening. They're the Cleveland Indians in Major League except Rachel Phelps was a much more sympathetic owner. Who wouldn't rather live in Miami than Cleveland?

25. Los Angeles Chargers (3-5) — Prove to me the Chargers weren't trying to lose to the Patriots on Sunday. When teams shave points, usually they try to hide it, but Philip Rivers fumbling with no contact and a guy running backward 15 yards to take a safety is a little too obvious. The Chargers don't want to win, so I won't raise the hopes of the 800 people in Los Angeles who care about them.

24. Chicago Bears (3-5) — Every team in the league has three wins, FYI. Mitch Trubisky completed 43 percent of his passes Sunday against the Saints, which shows why the Bears only allowed him to throw seven passes two weeks ago. An NFL quarterback completing 43 percent of passes against the Saints would be like an NBA player shooting 2-of-19 against a high school team. It's too bad someone like Deshaun Watson wasn't available at the draft when the Bears… [looks back at draft order] oh, whoops.

23. Cincinnati Bengals (3-4) — Say it out loud: "Andy Dalton, Super Bowl champion." Yeah, never gonna happen.

22. Arizona Cardinals (3-4) — If David Johnson returns in time, yeah, why not the Cardinals? He recently referred to the wrist as a "complicated limb," which tells me he's taking advantage of the painkillers. "Bro, ever think about wrists? They're like… complicated, man." If Carson Palmer is upright, weirder things have happened.

21. Washington Sports Franchise (3-4) — Bob Kraft is a buddy of Vlad Putin, but doesn't he feel miscast as owner of the sport's most hated franchise? Wouldn't Dan Snyder make more sense with the Patriots? Sadly, Snyder is an inept billionaire with a barely functioning franchise and a quarterback taking his money one mediocre year at a time. Washington's season died Sunday against Dallas, but take comfort in knowing the team will win just enough games so they won't be able to draft a franchise quarterback after Cousins leaves in the off-season.

20. Houston Texans (3-4) — Deshaun Watson might be the most talented rookie quarterback in modern NFL history, and you just know Bill O'Brien will screw it up. After his defense had shown for an entire half it was incapable of stopping the Seahawks on Sunday, he ran it three straight times, punted, and watched Russell Wilson deliver a near instantaneous death blow. When Watson wins a Super Bowl, it won't be with O'Brien clenching on the sideline in a big game.

19. Detroit Lions (3-4) — It's the Super Bowl. Lions down five. Fourth and goal. Two seconds remaining. Matthew Stafford rolls right, time expires, he throws and…Eric Ebron! Touchdown! No time left! The Lions have—hang on. Officials are gathering in the end zone. "Due to the pass being caught with no time left, the touchdown is only worth 4.5 points. Therefore, by rule, which was just invented before the play in secret in the league office, the game is over, Lions lose." The following day, the NFL will apologize for not allowing the Lions to kick the winning extra point but won't take the title away from the Patriots. I guess what I'm saying is, the Lions, no matter what, will find a way to not win the Super Bowl.

18. Denver Broncos (3-3) — You lose at home to the Giants by 13 points, I don't understand why you even show up for the rest of your games.

17. Baltimore Ravens (4-4) — The Ravens are the NFL's ideal picture of mediocrity. A quarterback that's just OK enough, a defense that'll do just enough to win a couple games, and boom, you're 8-8 at the end of the year. This will be the state of the Ravens for two decades as punishment for years of making us watch Ray Lewis dance.

16. Dallas Cowboys (4-3) — If Ezekiel Elliott's arbitrator is based in Texas and has him in fantasy football, sure, maybe he plays the whole season and the Cowboys can do it. There's no harder team to read, but if there's one thing I know about sports justice, it's that Elliott won't face any discipline until the 2021 season, when his suspension is reduced to three preseason games.

15. Tennessee Titans (4-3) — They have two very good running backs, a pretty good quarterback, a decent group of wide receivers, and a defense that's…clearly the weak link. But really, what makes the Titans different from last year's Falcons? Fine, Eric Decker isn't Julio Jones and Rishard Matthews isn't Mohammed Sanu, and…OK, fine, forget it. I almost talked myself into it.

14. Miami Dolphins (4-3) — How in the name of sweet baby Jesus has this team won more games than it has lost? I'm scrolling up from the bottom of the NFL standings as I write this, and when I saw the Dolphins here at 4-3, I did that blinking guy GIF everyone on Twitter loves. The Dolphins team on Ballers coached by Peter Berg and GM'd by Dulé Hill has a better chance of winning it all.

13. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3) — Blake Bortles, you just won the Super Bowl, where are you going? "I'm going to Dorney Park!" No, Blake, the other amusement park. "I'm going to Busch Gardens!" No, man, forget it. If the Jags are going all the way, it's via their defense, but I think it's fun to imagine Bortles doing all he can to muck it up along the way, then lying to him that he's MVP just so you can get him to say into a cellphone camera, "I'm going to Six Flags Great Adventure!" That's viral content, my friends.

12. Green Bay Packers (4-3) — Nope. I'm sorry. The NFC North is too tough for the Packers to survive the rest of the regular season without Aaron Rodgers. What's truly torturous for fans is how many commercials that have Rodgers and injured Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. Every commercial break, you're reminded that your favorite team's season is over because the best player was broken in two. There should be a rule that if an NFL guy is out for the year, he gets replaced by his backup in any national ad campaign. Brett Hundley gets all the State Farm ads the final nine weeks. Roger Lewis Jr. gets all the Verizon ads. Sorry, but it's now in the CBA.

11. Atlanta Falcons (4-3) — The Falcons' hangover isn't a 22-year-old's hangover, where you're slightly groggy the next day but you can still attend your CrossFit Sauna Expert Master class at 6 AM; this is a 39-year-old hangover where you Google "can you die from a hangover" from your bed at 7 PM the next day. I still think if the Falcons can make themselves puke one more time before the stretch run, the Falcons can get back to the Super Bowl.

10. Carolina Panthers (5-3) — If the Dolphins are the league's worst 4-3 team, the Panthers are the league's worst 5-3 team. Cam Newton has nine touchdowns and ten interceptions in eight games and the Panthers are headed toward the playoffs because football is a crapshoot like no other sport, and players don't matter, for we are all part of a human experiment known as life where chaos and randomness rule us despite our best efforts to seek control. Eat at Arby's.

9. Seattle Seahawks (5-2) — They can't run the ball and the defense is sort of old, but you have to respect the championship pedigree. You get the sense the Seahawks are that college graduate taking a year off to "find themselves" and they'll either be better off for the journey or they'll still have zero offensive line when it's over and won't be able to find a job in a saturated marketplace when they return home. I'm mixing metaphors there but you get my point. If Sunday showed us anything, it's that when Pete Carroll, a good coach, gets in a close game with a bad coach like Bill O'Brien, he'll find a way to win, and fortunately for Seattle there are more bad coaches than good coaches in the NFL.

8. New Orleans Saints (5-2) — The Saints are Steelers South. Only instead of defense, the Saints offense has looked incredible against mostly slop. They've won five straight against the Panthers, the Dolphins, the Lions, the Rodgers-less Packers, and the Bears. There's maybe one impressive win in there. Can you really count on the Saints to shut down a really good offense? Wait, does anyone have a good offense besides the Saints? My god, they are going 14-2, aren't they? This could happen.

7. Los Angeles Rams (5-2) — It's not going to happen, but the idea of a disheveled Jeff Fisher alone in a shack watching what is mostly the same roster he had last season continue to advance in the playoffs while he mutters "7-9…7-9" to himself is a fun image. Fisher will start a Buzzfeed account and start writing things like "16 Ways Millennials Are Ruining Jeff Fisher's Life" that will just be GIFs of Sean McVay.

6. Kansas City Chiefs (5-2) — Say hello to our best hope of beating the Patriots, which, oh well, maybe next year the Patriots won't get to the Super Bowl. Imagine a superhero movie with the worst possible villain, only instead of the Avengers or Batman, the villain has to defeat Paul Blart. That's the Chiefs. The only way the Chiefs win that matchup is if our world is a feel-good comedy and not film noir directed by Christopher Nolan. Based on recent evidence in this world, what do you think happens in a Chiefs-Patriots AFC title game? Yeah, me too.

5. Buffalo Bills (5-2) — Nothing would be funnier than the Bills beating the Patriots in the playoffs. It would be the greatest 1980s movie ever where the nerd finally gets the best of the bully. Tyrod Taylor dropping 40 on Tom Brady in Foxboro would be the Lucas/Karate Kid mashup Bill Simmons wishes he sold to a movie studio ten years ago. But this is reality, and what's more likely is LeSean McCoy tearing his ACL the Friday before the game and Rob Gronkowski somehow growing a foot taller at halftime and posting 300 yards in the second half.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) — Yeah, the Steelers have the second-best defense, but they've compiled these numbers against the Browns, the Vikings, the Bears, the Ravens, the Jaguars, the Chiefs, the Bengals, and the Lions. Outside of the Chiefs, that's just pure dreck. But there's more dreck on the schedule, so the Steelers are practically a lock to make the playoffs, which seems nuts when you consider that two weeks ago when they lost to the Jaguars you wondered if Ben Roethlisberger would retire mid-season. This league stinks.

3. Minnesota Vikings (6-2) — No. This is a glitch in the Matrix. Instead of two cats, it's Case Keenum and Sam Bradford looking exactly the same in everything they do. The difference this year is the Packers are toast without Rodgers so the NFC North is there for the taking. It's not that Vikings are bad, but I don't want to listen to people talk about how good they are. They're basically a Netflix show.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-1) — It's pretty tough right now for a certain segment of the U.S. population—the Eagles and the Yankees are getting really good again at the same time. And both will be really good for a long time. It's heartbreaking. There's no reason the Eagles can't win a Super Bowl this year, other than the fact they are the Eagles and they always find a way to crap their pants. You can take the Andy Reid out of Philadelphia but you can't take the Philadelphia out of Andy Reid. Or something. Fuck the Eagles, man.

1. New England Patriots (6-2) — There's no better evidence that we are living in a computer simulation run by a vindictive sociopath than the existence of the Patriots. Their idiot quarterback is 100 years old but plays like he's 28. The team cheats but nobody cares. The coach writes love letters to Donald Trump. The Pats could have and perhaps should have lost their past four games but, of course, they won them all. This team has no business still being Super Bowl favorites but it's time we just accept that this is our reality until Morpheus finds us and frees our minds. Congrats to the Patriots on another Super Bowl win.

Ranking Every NFL Team's Super Bowl Chances published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[amtushinfosolutionspage]

Ranking Every NFL Team’s Super Bowl Chances

With eight weeks of the 2017 NFL season in the books (we all know the Chiefs are beating the Broncos on Monday night so we can do this now), it’s time to take stock of each team’s Super Bowl chances. You’re probably saying, “That’s silly, because not all 32 teams have a chance at a Super Bowl.”

You’re right, but those teams are great for the purpose of making jokes.

Let’s get right into it, because 32 is a lot of teams.

32. San Francisco 49ers (0-8) — lmao

31. Cleveland Browns (0-8) — lol

30. New York Giants (1-6) — OK, so maybe doing this with all 32 teams was a little ambitious. The good news is the New England Patriots are looking like the favorites to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, and everyone knows Tom Brady can’t beat Eli Manning in a Super Bowl. The bad news is the only time we’re seeing Odell Beckham in a Super Bowl is in that painful ad with the Silicon Valley guy who mixes up sports terminology at the press conference like a TOTAL NERD, lol learn sports, nerd!

29. Indianapolis Colts (2-6) — What if the reason Andrew Luck hasn’t played this season is because he’s undergoing surgery and treatment that will allow him to become Wolverine? The reports surrounding Luck’s “injury” have been odd, with the story changing every couple weeks. Even his name—Luck—would be a cool X-Men name. The Colts will be a tough out in January if their quarterback can’t be tackled by regular humans.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5) — When you combine a former Florida State quarterback with a former Jacksonville Jaguars offensive coordinator, you should just be happy to have the 28th-best team in the NFL.

27. Oakland Raiders (3-5) — Just move this stupid franchise to the moon already. In hindsight, a team coming off a breakout season signing a guy who had retired for a year just because he’s from the area was an odd choice. And, I mean, Marshawn Lynch is clearly his own guy, so him running on the field to fight some dudes mid-game does, in hindsight, seem inevitable. We should have known the Raiders would screw this up.

26. New York Jets (3-5) — The way I see it, the Jets may have the best chance of winning the Super Bowl, because these are the Jets, and whatever they want to do, the opposite happens. Since they’re trying to tank, finishing 9-7 and winning the Super Bowl has about an 80 percent chance of happening. They’re the Cleveland Indians in Major League except Rachel Phelps was a much more sympathetic owner. Who wouldn’t rather live in Miami than Cleveland?

25. Los Angeles Chargers (3-5) — Prove to me the Chargers weren’t trying to lose to the Patriots on Sunday. When teams shave points, usually they try to hide it, but Philip Rivers fumbling with no contact and a guy running backward 15 yards to take a safety is a little too obvious. The Chargers don’t want to win, so I won’t raise the hopes of the 800 people in Los Angeles who care about them.

24. Chicago Bears (3-5) — Every team in the league has three wins, FYI. Mitch Trubisky completed 43 percent of his passes Sunday against the Saints, which shows why the Bears only allowed him to throw seven passes two weeks ago. An NFL quarterback completing 43 percent of passes against the Saints would be like an NBA player shooting 2-of-19 against a high school team. It’s too bad someone like Deshaun Watson wasn’t available at the draft when the Bears… [looks back at draft order] oh, whoops.

23. Cincinnati Bengals (3-4) — Say it out loud: “Andy Dalton, Super Bowl champion.” Yeah, never gonna happen.

22. Arizona Cardinals (3-4) — If David Johnson returns in time, yeah, why not the Cardinals? He recently referred to the wrist as a “complicated limb,” which tells me he’s taking advantage of the painkillers. “Bro, ever think about wrists? They’re like… complicated, man.” If Carson Palmer is upright, weirder things have happened.

21. Washington Sports Franchise (3-4) — Bob Kraft is a buddy of Vlad Putin, but doesn’t he feel miscast as owner of the sport’s most hated franchise? Wouldn’t Dan Snyder make more sense with the Patriots? Sadly, Snyder is an inept billionaire with a barely functioning franchise and a quarterback taking his money one mediocre year at a time. Washington’s season died Sunday against Dallas, but take comfort in knowing the team will win just enough games so they won’t be able to draft a franchise quarterback after Cousins leaves in the off-season.

20. Houston Texans (3-4) — Deshaun Watson might be the most talented rookie quarterback in modern NFL history, and you just know Bill O’Brien will screw it up. After his defense had shown for an entire half it was incapable of stopping the Seahawks on Sunday, he ran it three straight times, punted, and watched Russell Wilson deliver a near instantaneous death blow. When Watson wins a Super Bowl, it won’t be with O’Brien clenching on the sideline in a big game.

19. Detroit Lions (3-4) — It’s the Super Bowl. Lions down five. Fourth and goal. Two seconds remaining. Matthew Stafford rolls right, time expires, he throws and…Eric Ebron! Touchdown! No time left! The Lions have—hang on. Officials are gathering in the end zone. “Due to the pass being caught with no time left, the touchdown is only worth 4.5 points. Therefore, by rule, which was just invented before the play in secret in the league office, the game is over, Lions lose.” The following day, the NFL will apologize for not allowing the Lions to kick the winning extra point but won’t take the title away from the Patriots. I guess what I’m saying is, the Lions, no matter what, will find a way to not win the Super Bowl.

18. Denver Broncos (3-3) — You lose at home to the Giants by 13 points, I don’t understand why you even show up for the rest of your games.

17. Baltimore Ravens (4-4) — The Ravens are the NFL’s ideal picture of mediocrity. A quarterback that’s just OK enough, a defense that’ll do just enough to win a couple games, and boom, you’re 8-8 at the end of the year. This will be the state of the Ravens for two decades as punishment for years of making us watch Ray Lewis dance.

16. Dallas Cowboys (4-3) — If Ezekiel Elliott’s arbitrator is based in Texas and has him in fantasy football, sure, maybe he plays the whole season and the Cowboys can do it. There’s no harder team to read, but if there’s one thing I know about sports justice, it’s that Elliott won’t face any discipline until the 2021 season, when his suspension is reduced to three preseason games.

15. Tennessee Titans (4-3) — They have two very good running backs, a pretty good quarterback, a decent group of wide receivers, and a defense that’s…clearly the weak link. But really, what makes the Titans different from last year’s Falcons? Fine, Eric Decker isn’t Julio Jones and Rishard Matthews isn’t Mohammed Sanu, and…OK, fine, forget it. I almost talked myself into it.

14. Miami Dolphins (4-3) — How in the name of sweet baby Jesus has this team won more games than it has lost? I’m scrolling up from the bottom of the NFL standings as I write this, and when I saw the Dolphins here at 4-3, I did that blinking guy GIF everyone on Twitter loves. The Dolphins team on Ballers coached by Peter Berg and GM’d by Dulé Hill has a better chance of winning it all.

13. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3) — Blake Bortles, you just won the Super Bowl, where are you going? “I’m going to Dorney Park!” No, Blake, the other amusement park. “I’m going to Busch Gardens!” No, man, forget it. If the Jags are going all the way, it’s via their defense, but I think it’s fun to imagine Bortles doing all he can to muck it up along the way, then lying to him that he’s MVP just so you can get him to say into a cellphone camera, “I’m going to Six Flags Great Adventure!” That’s viral content, my friends.

12. Green Bay Packers (4-3) — Nope. I’m sorry. The NFC North is too tough for the Packers to survive the rest of the regular season without Aaron Rodgers. What’s truly torturous for fans is how many commercials that have Rodgers and injured Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. Every commercial break, you’re reminded that your favorite team’s season is over because the best player was broken in two. There should be a rule that if an NFL guy is out for the year, he gets replaced by his backup in any national ad campaign. Brett Hundley gets all the State Farm ads the final nine weeks. Roger Lewis Jr. gets all the Verizon ads. Sorry, but it’s now in the CBA.

11. Atlanta Falcons (4-3) — The Falcons’ hangover isn’t a 22-year-old’s hangover, where you’re slightly groggy the next day but you can still attend your CrossFit Sauna Expert Master class at 6 AM; this is a 39-year-old hangover where you Google “can you die from a hangover” from your bed at 7 PM the next day. I still think if the Falcons can make themselves puke one more time before the stretch run, the Falcons can get back to the Super Bowl.

10. Carolina Panthers (5-3) — If the Dolphins are the league’s worst 4-3 team, the Panthers are the league’s worst 5-3 team. Cam Newton has nine touchdowns and ten interceptions in eight games and the Panthers are headed toward the playoffs because football is a crapshoot like no other sport, and players don’t matter, for we are all part of a human experiment known as life where chaos and randomness rule us despite our best efforts to seek control. Eat at Arby’s.

9. Seattle Seahawks (5-2) — They can’t run the ball and the defense is sort of old, but you have to respect the championship pedigree. You get the sense the Seahawks are that college graduate taking a year off to “find themselves” and they’ll either be better off for the journey or they’ll still have zero offensive line when it’s over and won’t be able to find a job in a saturated marketplace when they return home. I’m mixing metaphors there but you get my point. If Sunday showed us anything, it’s that when Pete Carroll, a good coach, gets in a close game with a bad coach like Bill O’Brien, he’ll find a way to win, and fortunately for Seattle there are more bad coaches than good coaches in the NFL.

8. New Orleans Saints (5-2) — The Saints are Steelers South. Only instead of defense, the Saints offense has looked incredible against mostly slop. They’ve won five straight against the Panthers, the Dolphins, the Lions, the Rodgers-less Packers, and the Bears. There’s maybe one impressive win in there. Can you really count on the Saints to shut down a really good offense? Wait, does anyone have a good offense besides the Saints? My god, they are going 14-2, aren’t they? This could happen.

7. Los Angeles Rams (5-2) — It’s not going to happen, but the idea of a disheveled Jeff Fisher alone in a shack watching what is mostly the same roster he had last season continue to advance in the playoffs while he mutters “7-9…7-9” to himself is a fun image. Fisher will start a Buzzfeed account and start writing things like “16 Ways Millennials Are Ruining Jeff Fisher’s Life” that will just be GIFs of Sean McVay.

6. Kansas City Chiefs (5-2) — Say hello to our best hope of beating the Patriots, which, oh well, maybe next year the Patriots won’t get to the Super Bowl. Imagine a superhero movie with the worst possible villain, only instead of the Avengers or Batman, the villain has to defeat Paul Blart. That’s the Chiefs. The only way the Chiefs win that matchup is if our world is a feel-good comedy and not film noir directed by Christopher Nolan. Based on recent evidence in this world, what do you think happens in a Chiefs-Patriots AFC title game? Yeah, me too.

5. Buffalo Bills (5-2) — Nothing would be funnier than the Bills beating the Patriots in the playoffs. It would be the greatest 1980s movie ever where the nerd finally gets the best of the bully. Tyrod Taylor dropping 40 on Tom Brady in Foxboro would be the Lucas/Karate Kid mashup Bill Simmons wishes he sold to a movie studio ten years ago. But this is reality, and what’s more likely is LeSean McCoy tearing his ACL the Friday before the game and Rob Gronkowski somehow growing a foot taller at halftime and posting 300 yards in the second half.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) — Yeah, the Steelers have the second-best defense, but they’ve compiled these numbers against the Browns, the Vikings, the Bears, the Ravens, the Jaguars, the Chiefs, the Bengals, and the Lions. Outside of the Chiefs, that’s just pure dreck. But there’s more dreck on the schedule, so the Steelers are practically a lock to make the playoffs, which seems nuts when you consider that two weeks ago when they lost to the Jaguars you wondered if Ben Roethlisberger would retire mid-season. This league stinks.

3. Minnesota Vikings (6-2) — No. This is a glitch in the Matrix. Instead of two cats, it’s Case Keenum and Sam Bradford looking exactly the same in everything they do. The difference this year is the Packers are toast without Rodgers so the NFC North is there for the taking. It’s not that Vikings are bad, but I don’t want to listen to people talk about how good they are. They’re basically a Netflix show.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-1) — It’s pretty tough right now for a certain segment of the U.S. population—the Eagles and the Yankees are getting really good again at the same time. And both will be really good for a long time. It’s heartbreaking. There’s no reason the Eagles can’t win a Super Bowl this year, other than the fact they are the Eagles and they always find a way to crap their pants. You can take the Andy Reid out of Philadelphia but you can’t take the Philadelphia out of Andy Reid. Or something. Fuck the Eagles, man.

1. New England Patriots (6-2) — There’s no better evidence that we are living in a computer simulation run by a vindictive sociopath than the existence of the Patriots. Their idiot quarterback is 100 years old but plays like he’s 28. The team cheats but nobody cares. The coach writes love letters to Donald Trump. The Pats could have and perhaps should have lost their past four games but, of course, they won them all. This team has no business still being Super Bowl favorites but it’s time we just accept that this is our reality until Morpheus finds us and frees our minds. Congrats to the Patriots on another Super Bowl win.

Ranking Every NFL Team’s Super Bowl Chances syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

[flauntpage]

Ranking Every NFL Team's Super Bowl Chances

With eight weeks of the 2017 NFL season in the books (we all know the Chiefs are beating the Broncos on Monday night so we can do this now), it's time to take stock of each team's Super Bowl chances. You're probably saying, "That's silly, because not all 32 teams have a chance at a Super Bowl."

You're right, but those teams are great for the purpose of making jokes.

Let's get right into it, because 32 is a lot of teams.

32. San Francisco 49ers (0-8) — lmao

31. Cleveland Browns (0-8) — lol

30. New York Giants (1-6) — OK, so maybe doing this with all 32 teams was a little ambitious. The good news is the New England Patriots are looking like the favorites to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, and everyone knows Tom Brady can't beat Eli Manning in a Super Bowl. The bad news is the only time we're seeing Odell Beckham in a Super Bowl is in that painful ad with the Silicon Valley guy who mixes up sports terminology at the press conference like a TOTAL NERD, lol learn sports, nerd!

29. Indianapolis Colts (2-6) — What if the reason Andrew Luck hasn't played this season is because he's undergoing surgery and treatment that will allow him to become Wolverine? The reports surrounding Luck's "injury" have been odd, with the story changing every couple weeks. Even his name—Luck—would be a cool X-Men name. The Colts will be a tough out in January if their quarterback can't be tackled by regular humans.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5) — When you combine a former Florida State quarterback with a former Jacksonville Jaguars offensive coordinator, you should just be happy to have the 28th-best team in the NFL.

27. Oakland Raiders (3-5) — Just move this stupid franchise to the moon already. In hindsight, a team coming off a breakout season signing a guy who had retired for a year just because he's from the area was an odd choice. And, I mean, Marshawn Lynch is clearly his own guy, so him running on the field to fight some dudes mid-game does, in hindsight, seem inevitable. We should have known the Raiders would screw this up.

26. New York Jets (3-5) — The way I see it, the Jets may have the best chance of winning the Super Bowl, because these are the Jets, and whatever they want to do, the opposite happens. Since they're trying to tank, finishing 9-7 and winning the Super Bowl has about an 80 percent chance of happening. They're the Cleveland Indians in Major League except Rachel Phelps was a much more sympathetic owner. Who wouldn't rather live in Miami than Cleveland?

25. Los Angeles Chargers (3-5) — Prove to me the Chargers weren't trying to lose to the Patriots on Sunday. When teams shave points, usually they try to hide it, but Philip Rivers fumbling with no contact and a guy running backward 15 yards to take a safety is a little too obvious. The Chargers don't want to win, so I won't raise the hopes of the 800 people in Los Angeles who care about them.

24. Chicago Bears (3-5) — Every team in the league has three wins, FYI. Mitch Trubisky completed 43 percent of his passes Sunday against the Saints, which shows why the Bears only allowed him to throw seven passes two weeks ago. An NFL quarterback completing 43 percent of passes against the Saints would be like an NBA player shooting 2-of-19 against a high school team. It's too bad someone like Deshaun Watson wasn't available at the draft when the Bears… [looks back at draft order] oh, whoops.

23. Cincinnati Bengals (3-4) — Say it out loud: "Andy Dalton, Super Bowl champion." Yeah, never gonna happen.

22. Arizona Cardinals (3-4) — If David Johnson returns in time, yeah, why not the Cardinals? He recently referred to the wrist as a "complicated limb," which tells me he's taking advantage of the painkillers. "Bro, ever think about wrists? They're like… complicated, man." If Carson Palmer is upright, weirder things have happened.

21. Washington Sports Franchise (3-4) — Bob Kraft is a buddy of Vlad Putin, but doesn't he feel miscast as owner of the sport's most hated franchise? Wouldn't Dan Snyder make more sense with the Patriots? Sadly, Snyder is an inept billionaire with a barely functioning franchise and a quarterback taking his money one mediocre year at a time. Washington's season died Sunday against Dallas, but take comfort in knowing the team will win just enough games so they won't be able to draft a franchise quarterback after Cousins leaves in the off-season.

20. Houston Texans (3-4) — Deshaun Watson might be the most talented rookie quarterback in modern NFL history, and you just know Bill O'Brien will screw it up. After his defense had shown for an entire half it was incapable of stopping the Seahawks on Sunday, he ran it three straight times, punted, and watched Russell Wilson deliver a near instantaneous death blow. When Watson wins a Super Bowl, it won't be with O'Brien clenching on the sideline in a big game.

19. Detroit Lions (3-4) — It's the Super Bowl. Lions down five. Fourth and goal. Two seconds remaining. Matthew Stafford rolls right, time expires, he throws and…Eric Ebron! Touchdown! No time left! The Lions have—hang on. Officials are gathering in the end zone. "Due to the pass being caught with no time left, the touchdown is only worth 4.5 points. Therefore, by rule, which was just invented before the play in secret in the league office, the game is over, Lions lose." The following day, the NFL will apologize for not allowing the Lions to kick the winning extra point but won't take the title away from the Patriots. I guess what I'm saying is, the Lions, no matter what, will find a way to not win the Super Bowl.

18. Denver Broncos (3-3) — You lose at home to the Giants by 13 points, I don't understand why you even show up for the rest of your games.

17. Baltimore Ravens (4-4) — The Ravens are the NFL's ideal picture of mediocrity. A quarterback that's just OK enough, a defense that'll do just enough to win a couple games, and boom, you're 8-8 at the end of the year. This will be the state of the Ravens for two decades as punishment for years of making us watch Ray Lewis dance.

16. Dallas Cowboys (4-3) — If Ezekiel Elliott's arbitrator is based in Texas and has him in fantasy football, sure, maybe he plays the whole season and the Cowboys can do it. There's no harder team to read, but if there's one thing I know about sports justice, it's that Elliott won't face any discipline until the 2021 season, when his suspension is reduced to three preseason games.

15. Tennessee Titans (4-3) — They have two very good running backs, a pretty good quarterback, a decent group of wide receivers, and a defense that's…clearly the weak link. But really, what makes the Titans different from last year's Falcons? Fine, Eric Decker isn't Julio Jones and Rishard Matthews isn't Mohammed Sanu, and…OK, fine, forget it. I almost talked myself into it.

14. Miami Dolphins (4-3) — How in the name of sweet baby Jesus has this team won more games than it has lost? I'm scrolling up from the bottom of the NFL standings as I write this, and when I saw the Dolphins here at 4-3, I did that blinking guy GIF everyone on Twitter loves. The Dolphins team on Ballers coached by Peter Berg and GM'd by Dulé Hill has a better chance of winning it all.

13. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3) — Blake Bortles, you just won the Super Bowl, where are you going? "I'm going to Dorney Park!" No, Blake, the other amusement park. "I'm going to Busch Gardens!" No, man, forget it. If the Jags are going all the way, it's via their defense, but I think it's fun to imagine Bortles doing all he can to muck it up along the way, then lying to him that he's MVP just so you can get him to say into a cellphone camera, "I'm going to Six Flags Great Adventure!" That's viral content, my friends.

12. Green Bay Packers (4-3) — Nope. I'm sorry. The NFC North is too tough for the Packers to survive the rest of the regular season without Aaron Rodgers. What's truly torturous for fans is how many commercials that have Rodgers and injured Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. Every commercial break, you're reminded that your favorite team's season is over because the best player was broken in two. There should be a rule that if an NFL guy is out for the year, he gets replaced by his backup in any national ad campaign. Brett Hundley gets all the State Farm ads the final nine weeks. Roger Lewis Jr. gets all the Verizon ads. Sorry, but it's now in the CBA.

11. Atlanta Falcons (4-3) — The Falcons' hangover isn't a 22-year-old's hangover, where you're slightly groggy the next day but you can still attend your CrossFit Sauna Expert Master class at 6 AM; this is a 39-year-old hangover where you Google "can you die from a hangover" from your bed at 7 PM the next day. I still think if the Falcons can make themselves puke one more time before the stretch run, the Falcons can get back to the Super Bowl.

10. Carolina Panthers (5-3) — If the Dolphins are the league's worst 4-3 team, the Panthers are the league's worst 5-3 team. Cam Newton has nine touchdowns and ten interceptions in eight games and the Panthers are headed toward the playoffs because football is a crapshoot like no other sport, and players don't matter, for we are all part of a human experiment known as life where chaos and randomness rule us despite our best efforts to seek control. Eat at Arby's.

9. Seattle Seahawks (5-2) — They can't run the ball and the defense is sort of old, but you have to respect the championship pedigree. You get the sense the Seahawks are that college graduate taking a year off to "find themselves" and they'll either be better off for the journey or they'll still have zero offensive line when it's over and won't be able to find a job in a saturated marketplace when they return home. I'm mixing metaphors there but you get my point. If Sunday showed us anything, it's that when Pete Carroll, a good coach, gets in a close game with a bad coach like Bill O'Brien, he'll find a way to win, and fortunately for Seattle there are more bad coaches than good coaches in the NFL.

8. New Orleans Saints (5-2) — The Saints are Steelers South. Only instead of defense, the Saints offense has looked incredible against mostly slop. They've won five straight against the Panthers, the Dolphins, the Lions, the Rodgers-less Packers, and the Bears. There's maybe one impressive win in there. Can you really count on the Saints to shut down a really good offense? Wait, does anyone have a good offense besides the Saints? My god, they are going 14-2, aren't they? This could happen.

7. Los Angeles Rams (5-2) — It's not going to happen, but the idea of a disheveled Jeff Fisher alone in a shack watching what is mostly the same roster he had last season continue to advance in the playoffs while he mutters "7-9…7-9" to himself is a fun image. Fisher will start a Buzzfeed account and start writing things like "16 Ways Millennials Are Ruining Jeff Fisher's Life" that will just be GIFs of Sean McVay.

6. Kansas City Chiefs (5-2) — Say hello to our best hope of beating the Patriots, which, oh well, maybe next year the Patriots won't get to the Super Bowl. Imagine a superhero movie with the worst possible villain, only instead of the Avengers or Batman, the villain has to defeat Paul Blart. That's the Chiefs. The only way the Chiefs win that matchup is if our world is a feel-good comedy and not film noir directed by Christopher Nolan. Based on recent evidence in this world, what do you think happens in a Chiefs-Patriots AFC title game? Yeah, me too.

5. Buffalo Bills (5-2) — Nothing would be funnier than the Bills beating the Patriots in the playoffs. It would be the greatest 1980s movie ever where the nerd finally gets the best of the bully. Tyrod Taylor dropping 40 on Tom Brady in Foxboro would be the Lucas/Karate Kid mashup Bill Simmons wishes he sold to a movie studio ten years ago. But this is reality, and what's more likely is LeSean McCoy tearing his ACL the Friday before the game and Rob Gronkowski somehow growing a foot taller at halftime and posting 300 yards in the second half.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) — Yeah, the Steelers have the second-best defense, but they've compiled these numbers against the Browns, the Vikings, the Bears, the Ravens, the Jaguars, the Chiefs, the Bengals, and the Lions. Outside of the Chiefs, that's just pure dreck. But there's more dreck on the schedule, so the Steelers are practically a lock to make the playoffs, which seems nuts when you consider that two weeks ago when they lost to the Jaguars you wondered if Ben Roethlisberger would retire mid-season. This league stinks.

3. Minnesota Vikings (6-2) — No. This is a glitch in the Matrix. Instead of two cats, it's Case Keenum and Sam Bradford looking exactly the same in everything they do. The difference this year is the Packers are toast without Rodgers so the NFC North is there for the taking. It's not that Vikings are bad, but I don't want to listen to people talk about how good they are. They're basically a Netflix show.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-1) — It's pretty tough right now for a certain segment of the U.S. population—the Eagles and the Yankees are getting really good again at the same time. And both will be really good for a long time. It's heartbreaking. There's no reason the Eagles can't win a Super Bowl this year, other than the fact they are the Eagles and they always find a way to crap their pants. You can take the Andy Reid out of Philadelphia but you can't take the Philadelphia out of Andy Reid. Or something. Fuck the Eagles, man.

1. New England Patriots (6-2) — There's no better evidence that we are living in a computer simulation run by a vindictive sociopath than the existence of the Patriots. Their idiot quarterback is 100 years old but plays like he's 28. The team cheats but nobody cares. The coach writes love letters to Donald Trump. The Pats could have and perhaps should have lost their past four games but, of course, they won them all. This team has no business still being Super Bowl favorites but it's time we just accept that this is our reality until Morpheus finds us and frees our minds. Congrats to the Patriots on another Super Bowl win.

Ranking Every NFL Team's Super Bowl Chances published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv