#I love being a queer fag Dyke tranny and so does my boyfriend

[paperw0rmz]

The fact that I can’t just become part of my boyfriend in every shape and form makes me to be so upset.

[gatheringbones]

["Ethan ZImmerman is a binational, multigendered transfag attracted to boys of both sexes. His fiction has appeared in Queer View Mirror 2, Myths, Beginnings, Awakening the Virgin, and Batteries Not Included.

A bar conversation: Drunk: Hey, what the hell are you anyway? Me: A tranny. D: What's a transie? Me: I said tranny. D: A transie? M: Right, I'm a cross between a pansy and a transexual.

Things people say: Are you a he or a she? Are you a girl or a boy? You're a he/she, aren't you? What sex are you? How can you be a faggot? You must be confused. Why don't you like women? You must hate your own body. Why do you want to get your tits cut off? It sounds awfully painful. It must cost a lot of money. Why don't you just go to therapy? If you like men, then why aren't you straight? Excuse me, ladies, you're in the wrong bathroom. Can I help you, ma'am? He, she, it, or whatever you are. You're still a girl to me. You'll always be a girl on the inside. You don't really look much like a guy. Have you started hormones? Why don't you take hormones? You should take hormones before surgery. You should definitely take hormones after surgery. You haven't started transitioning yet, have you? I like your old name better. Yeah, right, you're a fag. You have to have a dick to be a fag. Fags will never ask you out. What kind of plumbing do you have? Does your boyfriend have a penis? I don't care what sex you are. It would be freaky dating you. You look kind of like my brother. Is this official now? Can I see your scars after you have surgery? You'll look a lot better after it's over. But you look OK now. What does your driver's license say? Does your mother know she has a son now? Are you going to grow a beard? But your voice is still so high. I've never thought of you as a girl anyway. I'll love you no matter what sex you are.

Things they don't say: "She" doesn't know what she's doing. She's just being trendy. It's just a phase. She must hate women. She was such a pretty girl. Why does she want to alienate herself like this? Anything to be different. I hate that she's doing this to her mother. So she's a he now, I suppose. But she's so feminine— how could she be a boy? Being a tomboy is one thing, but this is something else. This time she's gone too far. I don't think she should be allowed on womyn-only land. I'm so angry with her for making this decision. She should just stay a she. I don't get her. I don't get this whole transexual thing. Didn't she used to be a model? Does she like to be fucked? It must suck to hate your own body. She does hate her body, doesn't she? She doesn't know what gender she is. Who's going to want to date her now? I'm glad I'm not that fucked up. Things I say to myself: What will my mother think? Was I born this way? Why do I like to suck dick so much? How come I never liked being a lesbian? Why am I less angry now that I've figured out who I really am? Did my father abuse me as a child? Have I always felt this way? How do I feel? Am I feeling anything yet? Do I deserve to be here? Why are people so afraid of me? Sometimes I wish I were dead. No one will ever understand me. Thank God I found other people like me. I can't wait to get chest surgery. Will I ever want to get bottom surgery? I guess I can't go to the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival anymore. Can I still have sex with bar-dykes and call myself a fag? Will I get caught if I try to give a guy a blow job in a public restroom? Is it freaky to be in this body or what? I like being fucked in the cunt, so I must not be a real transexual. The Benjamin Standards suck. It's great that I am figuring all this stuff out. I'm tired of thinking about all this stuff. How come my only dating options are straight men who see me as a girl and fags who don't quite see me as a boy? If I had a real dick, I'd be happy. If I had a real dick, I'd be a fag who is sometimes sad.

Things I tell people: Don't worry, I'm still the same on the inside. It's not catching. I don't really feel like a man. I don't really feel like a woman. Will you please refer to me as he? It makes me feel a lot better. I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I still love you. I've always felt this way. I've never felt this way before. I really need your support. I can't wait for you to touch my chest after surgery. I can't take my shirt off during sex. What do you mean, I haven't started transitioning yet? My new name does so fit me. Thanks for coming to my naming party. You're cute, wanna dance? I'm just a different kind of fag. I love my new name too. My dick comes in all sizes. Yes, my boyfriend has a dick and it's pointing at me. No, I didn't see the Sally Jessy Raphael show yesterday. Don't worry, honey, you're in the right washroom. The binary gender system sucks. If I wanted augmentation I wouldn't need a damn letter from a behavioral scientist. I don't want to be a man; I just want to feel more like me. But I don't enjoy sleeping with femmes. I don't think I was abused as a child. What does that have to do with it anyway? Everything.

How I feel: Happy that my world is making more sense every day, crazy because I'm sure at least once a day that no one else could possibly understand how I feel, disjointed, excited about my new chest, angry that the world can be such a shitty place to people who don't fit in, confused, scared, sexy, freakish, relieved, lucky to have my trans community, thankful to modern medicine, pissed off at being born in the wrong body, scared to do hormones, glad I have a boyfriend who is transgendered like me, afraid that someone will try to kill one of us one day, afraid to travel alone, to use public restrooms, to smile at the wrong person, to let myself be afraid, anxious to be free of the bits of flesh that sit on my male chest, afraid that it will hurt my mother when she finds out that she has a son and not a daughter, grateful that I've met my brother Marcel, scared that I've made the wrong decision, guilty that I don't mind the plumbing that I have, sad that the world hates us and won't even try to see who we are, horny when I think about fucking men, especially daddy figures, especially Henry Rollins, especially that cute older fag who cruises me at my work, especially other trannies like my boy Jackson. Like I did when I was 10 years old.

How I survive: By writing and dancing, by talking to people who get it, by screaming into my pillow, by crying when I can't take it anymore, by reading reaffirming words by other gender warriors, by fantasizing that I have a huge dick, a flat chest, and a deep voice, by reminding myself that I felt like a boy as a child and it didn't feel freaky or weird, by spending time with brother Marcel, by kissing my boy on his flat chest and telling him how sexy he is, by telling the truth, by imagining how sexy I'm going to feel after chest surgery, by listening to other people's stories, by not taking on other people's bullshit, by calling people on their prejudices, by keeping a sense of humor, by hugging my cat who has loved me through any gender expression, by running and feeling my boy body move, by honoring other people's gender expressions, by learning when to be open and when not to, by attending the womyn's festival anyway— no matter what they think about male privilege, by believing my friends when they tell me they love me, by trying to love the girl parts of me I can't get rid of. By being me."]

Ethan Zimmerman, Transie, from Genderqueer: Voices From Beyond The Binary, edited by Joan Nestle, Clare Howell, and Riki Wilchins, Alyson Books, 2002