#I like commissions for what they are and I've never had a bad experience with them so far

[chimchiri]

I've uploaded a few commission pieces + the process behind it on my Patreon for anyone who's curious about it! There is one more commission left to do and then I'll reblog or post them when done! I won't upload the wips and process though, that's for Patreon only :)

[entiqua]

I love your artstyle!! Do you have any tips for drawing?

thank you so much! i'm really happy you like it!!💗 as for tips, what i would say would change drastically depending on what kind you're looking for, but some very general ones:

draw what you love and want to see most, regardless of whether anyone else wants to see it. if you don't enjoy what you're drawing it'll never come out as good or genuine as something your whole heart and soul is in. i mean you'd think this would be a no-brainer but sometimes i've had to sit back and ask myself 'if no one was ever going to see this except me, would i actually spend time drawing this?' and i was surprised by the answer

that said, it is also completely valid if your motivation for drawing is to draw for other people! there have been plenty of times where i was too artblocked to draw my own ideas but was still able to draw commissions or gifts and enjoyed it simply because making other people happy with my art makes me happy.

don't get too caught up in having a consistent art style. in my experience this 1000% hinders you

having your sense of anatomy degrade over time without you noticing because you keep drawing the same types of characters is a very real thing! if this is a concern to you be sure to draw a variety

follow a billion artists that you like the art of and you will have endless inspiration injected directly into your brain every time you open social media

my favourite practical tip for those who draw at a desk: keep a small mirror next to you at all times. absolute game changer for quickly referencing hands

if you're drawing digitally, make the canvas huge! in my experience this lets you draw messier/faster and you can't tell at all when you zoom out. if you tend to get stuck spending unnecessary amounts of time micromanaging pixels (me💀) keep it zoomed out while drawing

related to the above point, messy drawings can have far more expressiveness in them than neat and polished drawings. nowadays i never do lineart and go straight from 'barebones stickman pose' to 'varying-levels-of-coherent sketch' and use that as my lineart. sweet freedom from the sketch-looks-better-than-the-lineart phenomenon

if your goal is to improve, then you really do have to scrutinize your art, figure out what you're not satisfied with, and commit the time to focusing on it. 'practice makes perfect' kinda rubs me the wrong way because of how much i've seen it interpreted as 'just draw everyday and you'll magically improve' but genuinely it won't get you very far if you don't actively think hard about what you're trying to improve and take the steps to do it. is this a hot take idk. also hand in hand with this, not every artist is trying to improve and you shouldn't feel bad for this! maybe you just wanna make a little headshot doodle of your fave blorbo and that's your only drawing goal ever. awesome. maybe you know your art has flaws but it's passable enough to convey what you want and you're perfectly satisfied with that. (this is the stage i'm usually at). also awesome!

don't hesitate to draw something because you think it's out of your skill level. the worst that can happen if you draw it is that it comes out terribly but you learned something and can always redraw it better in the future. the worst that WILL happen if you don't draw it is that you'll never draw it. and then it will sit in the back of your brain haunting you for years. it's not like i'm speaking from experience or anything aha

look up 'hand stretches for artists' and do them if you draw a lot unless you wish to summon the wrath of the carpal tunnel demons

of course, these may not necessarily work for you, and most importantly(!) these are coming from the perspective of someone who is primarily a hobbyist. some of this won't be practical for people who need to build an audience, maintain a consistent style for work, etc. these are just things that have personally helped me over many years of drawing :)

[thebomb-thebird-andtheburntbitch]

w.count: 1.9k - y/n is implied to have hair long enough to pull back, you know that one hairstick scene in apothecary diaries? yeahhh :))

"do your arms ever get sore from doing your hair like that?"

the sudden question caught baizhu off guard. you were sitting at his desk early in the morning as he was still getting himself up, around and ready. he had asked you to stop by the pharmacy before your day began since you were planning to head out towards mondstadt for a commission that could take up to a weeks' time.

you felt bad coming by so early, especially if you would be waking him up (lord knows he doesn't get enough rest as much as he insists he does). still, despite your worries, he insisted.

it was rare to see him with his long, green hair loose without any ties or his two-pronged hair stick. it was even longer without it being styled, hanging close to the back of his knees. on top of that, he still hadn't put on his glasses, so with his face bare of his 'eyes' and framed by his hair- well, it was a very rare baizhu to witness.

chengsheng was still curled up asleep on a small cushion that sat on top of a stool that stayed near baizhu's bed. as opposed to her morning person of a contractor, she was no morning snake.

as you sit and wait for him to start lecturing you on what herbs or slaves to use and when to use them before packing them away for you- he began tying his hair. watching him pull his front hair back into the bun that would always be perfect and securing it with his double-pronged hair stick, your mouth just starts before you can stop it.

chuckling, he lowers his arms and brushes a few strands of his long hair off his shoulder.

"no i can't say that they do. i've dealt with it long enough my arms are used to it."

fussing with your own hair by twirling a piece around your finger, you shudder at the thought of all the tangles or knots he must experience on a day-to-day basis before he tames it all.

"even if i did feel soreness, i can't simply leave it down now can i?"

you nod along to his point. it would be pretty bad if a pharmacist left his hair down and let it get in the way of his work. not to mention it just wasn't a good look as a doctor. no one wants to get medicine with the bonus addition of green hair.

after properly securing the hair stick in place, he pulls the long strands that are left over his shoulder and starts dividing them into sections for his braid. he did it effortlessly, hardly tangling at all due to practice; his eyes even closed for a while like he found it relaxing!

once he was finished, he could tell you weren't exactly paying attention to reality anymore and your mind was wandered off somewhere else away from him. it was easy for baizhu to read you- you were a pretty expressive person; at least around him. with his hair finished, he slides his glasses over his eyes and lets out a small deflation of relief at finally being able to see properly.

you finally came back to him when he sets a small, drawstring sack that was easily able to attach to your belt in front of your elbow that rested on his desk.

after coming back from your thoughts, you jolted at how close he had gotten. bent at the waist to get a better look at your face as his arm that dropped the sack moved to rest behind his back. baizhu was a man who values undivided attention when conversing and eye contact alone means more to him than most people. it makes him feel respected despite his frail constitution.

although, he admits a small piece of himself finds it entertaining to see people become antsy at prolonged eye contact (he could always tell when they start looking at his forehead or nose instead of his eyes). he never told you that though- it would ruin all the fun.

"oh, sorry," you meekly apologize as he moves to sit in the small stool opposite of you instead of his own proper chair on the other side of the desk. "i didn't realize I zoned out."

"i don't mind," he tells you earnestly. "it's good to see you relax before a long trip."

"mondstadt is hardly a marvelous trek."

"that doesn't take away from the fact that making the trip can be dangerous. who knows what enemies are camping out along the paths."

"i can handle it."

"yes, i know." he does this often. frets over things he knows isn't a big problem in the long run just for the harmless banter with you. besides, the looming threat of enemies is the whole reason he's sending you off with medicine in the first place! he's teasing, and he can see it on your face when you realize and stop responding in order to quell his indulgence.

instead, you turn your sights to the bag. 'let's see', you think as you pull the bag open and start sifting through the contents to see what all he packed. you can also guess how much mora you'll owe him after seeing the goods.

baizhu watched you intently as you dug around in the bubu pharmacy labeled sack. perhaps it was because of your previous converstaion, but he couldn't help but watch as your hair shifted with your movements.

craned over, your hair covered the small part of your face that faced him. the curtain of hair made him realize that you hadn't yet put it up like you usually did- especially when you were about to depart on an expedition.

"your trip to mondstadt," he says lowly as he moves to rest his elbow on the desktop with his curled fingers holding his chin. he wasn't usually one to slouch, but it was early, and he was with only you, so his lazed state was deemed acceptable. "you said you'll be traveling with a group yes?"

"hmm," you hum affirmatively. "some millelith are escorting me to the stone gate. after, i'll be meeting with some knights across the border." while you retell the how's of your trip, you never once look at him. instead, you keep your eyes on your acquired items. he sure packed it full.

"i see," he hums. he quietly lifts himself from his stool and just as quietly moves to stand at your back.

you notice his presence behind you too late because before you can ask what he's doing, his hands come into contact with your loose hair. you feel his knuckles brush against your neck and his fingertips snag and gently tug among the strands as he starts pulling it back. one hand combs through your tresses while the other gathers it all in his palm.

you sit extremely still. not just because you were frozen in shock, but a part of you didn't want to mess up whatever it was that he was doing. your throat closed up as well, so even though you wanted to ask what in the world spurred this on, you couldn't. instead, you studied the shadows casted by his paneled windows caused by the morning sun that was finally starting to rise.

you'd have to leave soon.

before long, you felt him twist your hair before putting a band around it and after he placed something else in it to pin it properly in place.

"there," he mutters as he steps away from your back. you twist to look at him, your hand coming to lightly ghost over your hair. you want to try and get a mental image of what he had done, but he quickly stops you from doing so. the tips of his fingers softly push your arm back towards your lap before leaning down to look at you again in the face. "you wouldn't want to mess it up, now would you?"

you silently shake your head. with him bent at his waist for the second time this morning, you notice that his hair was loose again.

"baizhu-"

"the sun is rising," he interrupts. standing up straight, he offers his hand properly to help you stand. "you best be off soon."

looking behind his shoulder, you see the sunshine beyond the windows. as confused as you were and despite all the questions you had, he has a point. you couldn't keep the millelith waiting. so, you accept his hand and stand. you peek to see if chengsheng had woken up, but she was still blissfully sleeping on her cushion.

"tell chengsheng that im sorry i missed saying goodbye to her. i'll make it up to her next time." she was fond of you after all.

"of course." walking you out, he opens his door and leads you to the long stone staircase. you wave to both gui and qiqi who had already made their way into the pharmacy to start their day. with a few more words, you bid farewell to the good doctor before racing down the stairs to meet with your group.

as he watches you swing a left into town at the bottom of the steps, he feels a tug on his pant leg. looking down, he see's little qiqi and kneels to get eyelevel with her.

"yes, qiqi?"

"doctor baizhu... your hair is still down." baizhu chuckles.

"ah, yes. i must've forgotten to do it this morning." his hand comes to pat her hat-clad head. "thank you for reminding me." qiqi felt gleeful at being the one to remember something for once and she nods at him when he stands and moves to return to his room.

he'd have to settle for a slightly different hair style today. as chengsheng wakes up and sees her contractor with a pair of chopsticks crossed in his bun instead of his special hair stick and a braided ribbon instead of a clear band for his braid, she grows curious.

"what happened to your normal thingss?" she inquires as he offers his arm to her and lets her slither up it to coil around his neck. he chuckles as her head moves to stay lifted around his face for easy conversing.

"i lent them to someone." he moves to leave his room for the second time that morning but stops short of the door. "oh, y/n expresses their apologies for already departing the harbor." with a small tut from chengsheng, she coils around him once more before laying her head on his shoulder.

"of coursse." if the snake could roll her eyes, she would've. "has anyone ever told you that you can be rather posssesssive, baizhu?"

"i'm afraid i don't know what you're talking about."

"i'm here! sorry for the wait!" you huff as you join up with the group of three millelith soliders. you were debreifing with the group leader while the others stood behind you away enough that you couldn't hear their gossip.

"doesn't that hair stick look familiar?" one asks.

"isn't it the one doctor baizhu wears?" the other answers.

"the bubu pharmacy owner?!"

"shh! they'll hear you idiot!" you don't. and you forget all about your hair until you set up camp for the night just outside the stone gate. taking your hair out for sleep is when you finally see what baizhu had pinned your hair up with and suddenly the night air felt a bit stuffy instead of chilly.

[sharksandstars]

Season 4 of TUA is terrible so far??

I have a lot of opinions on season 4 and I fear most of them aren't great. I watched the first and second episodes fully and briefly skimmed over the rest (yes, I plan to watch them fully!) and so far I can't say I'm a fan. I have to address the elephant in the room: Five and Lila. In my opinion, it was a terrible decision and it felt like the writers were just trying to put in the craziest thing they could think of. And on top of that, it really feels like the way they executed was like a really shitty Wattpad fanfiction. I mean, there were like 6 scenes where they were living in domestic bliss??? Hey, so that is weird by the way! I have so many issues with their relationship... first of all, the age gap between the actors. Aidan Gallagher is 20 years old while Ritu Arya is 35 years old. I'd be surprised if they didn't feel weird while filming. Secondly, Five and Lila would not fall in love. I understand enemies to lovers is a genre and it's not inherently bad but with Five and Lila it felt like their resentment was far too deep-rooted. I've also seen a lot of posts about this and it seems like everyone is in agreement that it's weird and gross, and it doesn't make sense! Knowing this, I do understand that being stranded in a strange subway timeline thing for 7 years can be a less-than-stellar experience. Lila's marriage was already rough, but they really just needed some couples counseling and they'd be fine. I'd also like to argue that Five realistically wanted to feel love since he had never truly felt it unless you want to count Delores. But again, mentioning my previous points, it seems incredibly out of character for Lila and Five to betray Diego like that. I'm not entirely sure what the writers were thinking. As for the rest of the characters, I was happy to see them living regular lives. I unfortunately don't think season 4 was as good as any of the other seasons despite this, which makes me incredibly sad. Season 1 was fantastic, season 2 really picked up, season 3 was alright but enjoyable, and I really expected Season 4 to bring it all home, but so far, it hasn't in my opinion. I don't think it would have been better to just cancel the show after season 3 because I'm not the biggest fan of ambiguous endings. I also have an issue with the duration of the season: 6 episodes don't feel like enough. A series finale shouldn't have only 6 episodes, especially since all of the other seasons had 10 episodes. I just feel like they could have done more with it and it's really unfortunate that this series ran for so long and built up such an incredible story only for it to kind of... fall off. Also, just furthering my argument with Five and Lila here, Five killed her parents when he worked for The Commission. Which led to Lila hating him and trying to KILL HIM MULTIPLE TIMES. The writers must have gotten a lobotomy between seasons 3 and 4. Leave me your thoughts so far. I'll make another post when I finish it.

(Edit: I posted this on Reddit as well)

[californiannostalgia]

Processing identity as a child abuse survivor

Recently I had a huge revelation. Come with me on this childhood trauma realization journey (if you want).

This post was written for those wavering on the 'was it abuse' question.

Fair warning, each of these revelations were a whammy. I recommend you keep in mind that these revelations will transform the way you see yourself and the world. This took me out of commission for hours at a time.

Revelation 1: Was I Abused?

Read this Tumblr post. Go down the list. Check the 'yes'es and 'maybe's.

'Was I abused' is a yes or no question. I need you to really think about this if your answer is 'kind of'. If you could be truly honest with yourself, what would your answer be?

For years I've gone to the logic of 'it wasn't that bad,' and 'at least the worst didn't happen,' or 'others have had it worse'. This is such a low bar. You deserve better than the bar your parents set for you. The socioeconomic circumstances and the normalization of violence in your living area? Yes, influential. But not a justification.

At the end of the day, the veracity of these statements don't even matter. It's a yes or no question: 'Am I a survivor of child abuse?'

It may take a really long time to truly process, and even then it might feel uncomfortable saying it like it's truth. I need you to know your truth is truth. It's a yes or no question.

Take a break. I recommend you don't progress further until you've processed Revelation 1.

(Shameless plug-in of my fandom blorbo interests: Rick Riordan's Trials of Apollo series really helped me with this first revelation. It made me feel seen and less alone. It may not be perfect, but I personally liked it!)

Revelation 2: What does this mean? (health-wise)

Listen to this Ted Talk by an expert (medical professional).

This is the part where I got angry and really fucking sad. Let yourself be sad. Let yourself be furious. Our life is not our fault and we're still stuck with this lot.

Genuinely this was such a shock for me to realize. The thing that has the biggest impact on my life is not my anxiety, depression, ptsd, insomnia, blood pressure, immune health, etc. The root cause of my physical and mental illnesses is Adverse Childhood Experiences.

ACE is more common than you'd think. Acknowledging that what happened to you was bad will be beneficial to humanity's survival in the long run. Like any illness, ACE can be fought at a societal level.

Take a break. I recommend you don't progress to the next revelation until you've processed Revelation 2.

Take your time to be angry and sad. Take forever. You never have to forgive your abuser, even if they change their behavior. The chance at a civil acquaintanceship you might be willing to extend to your parents doesn't require your forgiveness.

.

Revelation 3: Why is your therapist recommending you retell your life story?

This one is mostly for when you have steady access to a therapist. Here are some things I wish I'd known before seeking out therapy in the US.

(Is it shitty that you can't get therapy on your own terms when you're underage? Yes, it fucking is. To those of us who survived to adulthood: holy shit y'all. At 19 I felt like absolute fucking bullshit, like my brain was a burning ball of tangled barbed wire. It does feel absolutely shitty. But reaching 19 is an achievement.)

The thing is, I do or say a lot of things that I later come to think of as embarrassing, inappropriate, or in certain circumstances, potentially abusive. Genuine trigger reactions happen. I will always have to live with a piece of my parents in my head. But I don't want to do to another person what they did to me. Self-awareness is what separates me from my abusers.

What to do about this? Number 1: chill out. You're not gonna be your abuser. Humans are unique and imperfect. They have not replicated themselves in you. It's okay to make mistakes when you're talking or reacting. Your brain is fucked up. You can do something differently next time.

Number 2: read this article about Overthinking, Over-apologizing, Oversharing, and Overwhelmed as trauma responses.

Then read this article on how to deal with Unresolved Trauma.

Yeah. It be like that. Isn't it fucked up? Recognizing the four Os in my behavior helped me realize I'm not an antisocial asshole by default.

Unresolved trauma is the root cause for my behaviors that I think of as unhealthy. This revelation happened very recently for me. Before this point in time, I couldn't understand why I would want to recount traumatic events in therapy.

At this point in time, I have regular access to a therapist I'm okay with. Going over memories and deconstructing the blame system seems like a reasonable thing to try.

What happened to you as a child is not your fault. You're not the one who landed yourself in your life. You've been given an unfairly difficult situation to be responsible for. You did not create your coping mechanisms for shits and giggles.

So yeah. Number 3: figure out your life with the help of a therapist. Let's see where we are ten years later or something.

Nothing is easy and everything is confusing. Take a break, hydrate, eat, sleep, do something nice for yourself. Do something you like doing. Thanks for reading.

[writingquestionsanswered]

Hey! I've written a first full outline and a few scenes (YAY) and I'm kinda worried that the readers will catch on that I actually have a favourite character. I'm attached to all of them, but this guy is Special - he has traits I really like, an arc I'm excited to write, he's bit of a self-insert, bit of a wish fulfillment, the whole thing. How can I hide my fondness from the reader? If I let it shine through too much, it'll kill any charm this character is supposed to have :(

Hiding Character Fondness from Reader

Here are some things to be aware of:

1 - Keep the Plot on Track - One of the biggest tells that the author has a thing for a character is when the plot seems to shift in favor of the character. Not only does this character slowly elbow their way to center stage, but the plot seems to completely shift course in order to highlight their conflict/adventures. So, make sure you stick to the plot you had in mind and keep the character's role as you originally envisioned it.

2 - Avoid "Author's Pet" Armor - Another giveaway that the author favors a character is when the character has immunity to every bad thing that happens in the story, even when it makes no sense. They're the one character who emerges from battle completely unscathed (or with superficial injuries), they always draw the long straw and luck is always on their side; and if something bad has to happen to a character, it's never this one.

3 - Avoid "Author's Punching Bag" - Conversely, sometimes author favoritism plays out by treating the character like a punching bag. I guess this results from a hurt/comfort perspective, where the author enjoys putting the character through the wringer because it creates an opportunity for them to be comforted by another character. But when it's the same character who's hurt over and over again, with the rest of the cast seeming to be armored against trouble, it has the same effect as being the one character that's never hurt.

4 - Avoid Special Snowflake Syndrome - Consider all the characters in your story. If your favorite character is always the one with the skills, knowledge, experience, connections, to solve the story's problem and/or save the day, that's a problem. Not only does it make them overpowered, but it means the spotlight will always be on them because they're the one everyone else has to rely on all the time.

5 - Avoid Complete Lovability - This is a big one... there are few people who walk the planet who are genuinely without flaws and are universally loved by everyone who knows them. Real people, most of the time, have flaws. Someone can be the nicest, most generous person in the world, but they could have bad breath or be chronically late, or really stubborn about trying new things. Flaws don't make a person bad, they just make them real. But we all have our pet peeves, too, so if you know someone who is chronically late, they might get on your nerves and not be your favorite person in the world. We want that for our characters, too. They should have believable flaws and not give everyone they know heart eyes every time they walk in the room.

Happy writing!

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I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[amethystina]

A health update (and a general explanation of my long Covid)

So while I've been pretty open about living with long Covid, I realise I've never taken the time to explain what that actually means for me and my quality of living. It's a phrase I toss around but I can imagine it doesn't feel all that substantial to a lot of you.

So I figured that now that I'm feeling a bit better (more on that later) I should do so. Partly because I figure it will make it easier to understand why I sometimes have to disappear for weeks on end.

So, if you're interested, feel free to keep reading under the cut :)

But be warned: It's long and kind of whiny. But also ends on a high note! So there's that.

The first time I caught Covid was around Easter 2020, long before there were any vaccines, which meant that I was hit hard. But no matter how bad I felt during the illness itself, the aftermath has been ten times worse. I've been living with my long Covid symptoms ever since, so for four years now. They worsened for a couple of months when I caught Covid a second time in February 2021, but have otherwise held pretty steady during those four years.

A lot of people experience different symptoms with their long Covid and, sometimes, they'll change as the weeks and months go by. I actually had a very interesting couple of months during 2022 when my sense of smell just went completely whack and everything suddenly smelled differently than it should. Like, I could be smelling an apple but it did not smell like an apple. It was a weird time in my life.

Anyway. My most common symptoms are fatigue, fevers, joint pain, brain fog, memory issues, incoherent speech, and lowered blood circulation.

(The latter actually kickstarted the Raynaud's syndrome I have on my mother's side so now I struggle with fingers and feet that will occasionally go white, bloodless, and completely numb at random intervals. Fun times)

The fatigue and fevers are the worst by far. For the past four years, I have had exhaustion fevers between two to five times a week. Or every single day if I'm unlucky. It's very much tied to how much sleep I'm getting, how well I'm eating, and how many taxing things I do each day. I need eight hours of sleep to be functional and anything less than that will most likely mean I'll end up having a fever before the day is over.

Unfortunately, I've always had issues with my sleep so, on most nights, I don't get eight hours even if I try my absolute best. Sometimes it's because I wake up too early and can't fall back asleep and, sometimes — because my life sucks — it's because my fever is so high that I can't fall asleep. Cue the endless cycle of too little sleep and fevers.

Because one of the main issues with these exhaustion fevers — and what makes them so difficult to manage — is that there's no way to lower them. Medicine has no effect whatsoever. Once I have it, I just have to suffer through however many hours are left until I can sleep and hope that it'll be gone in the morning. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

And every day my energy level gets just a little bit lower and the fever a little bit higher. Some days, all I can do when I get home from work is to lie on the couch and stare at the wall because I'm too tired and in too much pain to even watch something. And, again, no amount of medicine helps.

It continues on like this for a while and, every third or fourth month or so, the strain eventually becomes too much and I fall ill. My body simply shuts down from the continued stress and exhaustion, to the point where I can barely get out of bed. And, usually, I can feel it coming. On top of the fevers, I start coughing, then get a headache, and then my nose gets stuffy. And, by that time, I know I have about two to four days before I get sick. It's so accurate that my coworkers have learned that when I give the sign, they have to tell me whatever tasks they need to be finished within the near future since I'll probably be out of commission for one to two weeks.

But I eventually recover, go back to work, and so the cycle starts again. And again. And again. And again.

For four years.

All of this has, unsurprisingly, affected my quality of life to a pretty significant degree. I can barely work, let alone spend time doing any of my hobbies. I can't really travel anymore and, if I do, I'll get sick from the exhaustion. Even the 50-minute commute to the office (which I have to do three times a week) usually results in a fever before the day is over.

This inability to travel was how I ended up missing my maternal granddad's funeral. My shitty relatives didn't tell us the date for when he would be buried until there were only two days left and even if I could have put myself on an overnight train to get there, I knew I would be in no shape to actually be at the funeral if I did. So I couldn't go.

I did go to sit with my paternal grandmother as she was dying but, as expected, I got sick and couldn't return to work for a couple of days afterwards.

I also have to skip most birthday celebrations and any events happening on weekdays since I'm usually too feverish or won't manage the required trip to get there. My life has shrunk so much I barely recognise it anymore. I don't recognise myself. I used to be one of those people who could do a million things at the same time and somehow complete all of them. I was firm, organised, and efficient.

And now I'm not.

(... or, well, technically I am — at least compared to many others — but not compared to how I used to be xD)

Point being, a lot of things have changed and I don't like it. But, with that said, I'm also well aware that I'm lucky to be alive and I'm fortunate enough to have a stable job and a roof over my head. So, all things considered, I'm still doing pretty well.

But I also can't lie and say that this hasn't affected me in a deep and fundamental way. My life has changed and, right now, I don't know if it'll ever return to what I used to consider normal. And dealing with that knowledge — and the grief and fear that comes with it — hasn't been easy. I have cried ugly, self-pitying tears over this many, many times. It's frustrating to have no control over what my body does and to constantly have to be careful of what I do so I don't exhaust myself. I am furious that this happened to me.

But, after four years, there's also a certain amount of acceptance. And while I'm annoyed by my new limitations, I try my best not to feel too sorry for myself. Instead, I try to adapt as best I can, even if I might not always do it gracefully.

That does mean that I sometimes push myself more than I should, though. Because, if I didn't, I wouldn't never produce anything. As depressing as it is to admit, everything I've given you in the past four years has been while I was sick. I don't think a single chapter I've written or drawing I've made has been untouched by this. I've become an expert at writing, editing, and drawing even with a fever.

That doesn't mean I regret it, though — quite the opposite. I think that if I hadn't had a reason to write and draw, I would have felt even worse. A lof of the time, the excitement I feel when I'm able to post a chapter or show off a drawing I've made has been the highlight of my week. It's an accomplishment.

But, that said, it's still hard. Writing in particular. It requires a level of brainpower I can't reach when the fevers are too bad. And so, sometimes, I just can't. I literally just can't.

And, back in January, as I was trying to edit chapter 39 of Who Holds the Devil, I honestly pushed myself too hard. I was so determined to finish it that I didn't let myself see just how bad I was feeling — not at all helped by how emotionally draining the content of the chapter was.

It was only once I finished the chapter and posted it that I realised how absolutely wretched I felt. Not because of the chapter itself, but my lack of compassion for myself, I guess? Because the fevers were bad, I was barely sleeping, and I was both mentally and physically exhausted. And, what was worse, I realised that I was displaying depression symptoms I hadn't seen in over ten years.

All of a sudden, I got annoyed as soon as a minor inconvenience appeared. Everything people said to me was dissected into its tiniest component. I feared that people were secretly hating me. I couldn't meet people's eyes anymore when I was talking to them. I didn't realise I was just sitting there, staring at a wall, until several minutes had already passed.

And, as the final nail in the coffin, I stopped talking about how I was feeling.

And that, right there, is my last warning that I need to do something — always has been, ever since I was a teenager. When I clam up completely, refusing to admit to the people around me that I'm feeling bad, that's when I'm about to spiral.

So, the very next day, I went to my boss and told her that I'm getting burnt out and I need to do something NOW or this was going to turn ugly real soon. Thankfully, my boss is amazing and, after a doctor's visit, I was put on partial sick leave. Right now, I'm working six hours a day instead of eight and, let me tell you, I'm thriving.

Or, well, as much as I can while still having long Covid.

I'm almost angry at how much better I feel because, if I had known, I would have done this a lot sooner. I actually have energy now! I've only had a fever about four times in a little over a month! That's insane! It used to be four a week!

So yeah. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. The downside is that the partial sick leave is still only temporary and there are no guarantees that I'll be able to keep it. Though, if need be, I'll just have to ask my boss to rewrite my contract and change the amount of hours I work because, man, I don't ever want to go back considering how much better and happier I feel. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I feel like I've gotten my life back. It's not quite the same as before, but close enough to it that I kind of want to cry again — but happy tears this time.

And so I've spent the past couple of weeks just... living? When, before that, it felt like I was merely existing. I've been drawing a lot since that helps with the depression symptoms (which are almost completely gone, thank god) but writing has been harder. Possibly because I forced myself to do it during a time when I felt really, really bad and now I'm instinctively trying to shy away from it. But, since I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me, I'm going to give it another try this weekend. I want to write and I miss the stories I'm working on. And, hopefully, since I'm feeling a bit better, I can maybe get back to a more structured uploading schedule. But we'll see. As always, I can't make any promises.

But that's about it, I guess? I'm feeling better and, since I am, I've been doing a lot of things that I wasn't able to before (like taking walks — I take a lot of walks). And I'm still trying to figure out my new routine now that I work less. And while I still get sick sometimes (I am right now, in fact, due to lack of sleep on Tuesday night) I always find my way back eventually.

So yeah. If you've read this far, thank you so much for your patience 💜 I admit that I don't really enjoy writing things like these since it feels like I'm whining — I was very much raised not to take up space or complain when things are difficult (an unfortunate side effect to being the middle child with two disabled, high-maintenance siblings) — but I also prefer honesty and transparency. And I feel a little guilty since there are times when I've given pretty harsh responses when people question why I'm sick all the time or why I don't upload chapters as often as I used to, but without actually explaining why. So I guess it's time to be honest?

And the truth is that I've been constantly sick for the past four years. Not only due to my long Covid, but also the emotional and psychological toll of all the loss, grief, and pain I've been through. These past four years have been rough.

But I'm not saying that to gain pity or make excuses. I actually think I've done pretty well considering just how hindered I've been. I've improved my drawings so much and have written... god knows how many words. I'm honestly kind of scared to check xD But it has to be over 600k by now, maybe closer to 700k.

I think my only regret is that I haven't been able to engage with you all to the extent I would want. I wish I could be a more active and enthusiastic participant in fandom — to seek you out, hold conversations, and give you all even a fraction of the attention you've given me. I feel like I don't offer you nearly enough.

But I also know that I have to accept my own limitations. So, for now, we'll have to settle for whatever I can give, even if it's less than I would want. But I will keep on creating, trust me on that, because I'm stubborn as fuck and even if my pace is slower, I'm still determined to finish what I start.

And that's the note I want to end this on. I have suffered, yes — more so than I may have expressed to you all — but I've still managed to create some beautiful things. And while I mourn who I used to be and the fact that some of you have never known me at my best, I don't think the me I am right now is all that terrible. Do I want things to change? Yes, definitely. But do I want to change the choices I've made and the things I've accomplished in the past four years? No, I can't say that I do. I'm proud of what I've done, especially considering my limitations.

And, if you're reading this, thank you so, so much for your kindness, compassion, and support. Some of you are old friends while others of you are new, but I am grateful to every single one of you. You have made these past four years more bearable. You have made it easier to keep fighting. You have made it worth it.

Thank you 💜

[yuurivoice]

since you love to write, does your job ever feel like actual work? Kinda like that saying “if you love your job, you’ll never work a day of your life.” Kinda question.

also, how much free time do you normally have?

It felt like actual work from pretty early on. The moment I crossed over from doing it for funsies to sometimes taking commissions I didn't really feel strongly about for money, it was work.

I've had to drag my ass into the booth and record on days when I couldn't even take care of my basic needs because of ADHD struggles, and that sure felt like work.

I've had to write like absolute dogshit and just accept it because I had deadlines and people waiting on me. That felt like work.

I've had to spend hours breaking down different shots needed for visual projects, like a caveman painting on a wall for a renaissance artist to reference. That definitely felt like work.

I've had to deal with community moderation, personal betrayals of trust, harassment, goddamn pr crises, tax nightmares, and shipping hundreds of orders by hand. That was work.

That old cliche of if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life is a crock of shit. But all of that being said, even though it is work, and even though it can be really difficult sometimes?

Wouldn't trade it for the world. There is no other calling for me, my heart is not satisfied if I am not telling stories, and for some reason the universe decided that this was the path forward. I didn't plan on it. I never loved voice acting, but I learned to. I wish there was less bullshit over the years that robbed me of my joy. I wish I wasn't fighting my brain for so much of the time I've been doing this.

But the good will always outweigh the bad.

It's a dream fulfilled. I never needed or wanted to be some sort of massive sensation, or have broad renown or appeal. I didn't need to become a best selling author, or create a hit video game, or do anything like that. I am happy that I've found even a small group of people who love to get lost in my worlds, or spend time with my characters, or hear them get railed in pumpkin patches.

I get to experience the magic of creating something I didn't know was within me. Again and again. Projects like BitterSweet, Shattered, and Echoes of Evalas are precious to me because of the wondrous feeling creating those stories gives me. They could all flop, and I'd do it anyway.

I was creating art when no one was ever there to listen or watch. In that regard, it's never been work. It is a function of my existence. I was made, raised, and shaped to tell stories. It's the one thing I can do. At a table of friends, an audience of hundreds, or on long drives by myself. It's like breathing. It just happens.

Being able to call it work is a privilege. I'm thrilled that I've got the chance to work. I'm happy that I even have the opportunity to have days where I have to push myself. Because it has given me more than I've ever thought it could. I was on food stamps living with family under constant threat of getting kicked out. I was lonely, isolated, and scared of the world. I was considered lazy.

Finding my lane, getting traction, and thriving was something I considered out of reach. I was ready to tap out and accept that I just wasn't quite right for life. Like maybe I just didn't have all the right parts. I was okay with it, even. I was tired.

So yeah. It's work. But I spent a long time desperate to find work I was suited for, and with a lot of recent life changes I've removed many of those points of friction that would make it tough to work. So I'm thrilled.

And that, my friends, is what happens when you ask a professional yapper if they love yapping. 😂

As for free time, it's hard to say. So much of what I do being my own boss and shit, plus creative stuff just constantly churning in my brain, I struggle to clearly define what is and is not "free time". I basically have to be on call. At any given moment something might need my attention, or creativity comes knocking. It's hard to completely disconnect.

I've done a good job of getting into the office about four times a week. That has helped me find some sort of balance, but even recent writing I've done was on my laptop at my little breakfast nook having coffee.

I think the big thing is, I can create my free time whenever I need or want to.

Anywho, this is why you don't open Tumblr when you wake up to pee in the middle of the night because then you spent 30 minutes staring at your phone writing a whole ass essay. I'm gonna go get out of bed and make something awesome now. 💖

[thejockout]

As time passes and I release more files, an increasing number of people DM asking whether I'd be interested in trancing them personally. A few have even requested to do this with me as an altered commission, which they'd pay for on a regular basis as I work with them! To date, I have not said yes to anyone: and I'd like to take a minute here to explain why. If you're one of the people who's asked, offered or suggested this, don't feel bad - I've never given a stance on it. But I'm doing it here now!

Reason #1: As a subject and tist, my "field of expertise" lies in pre-made mp3s. I had my dalliances with sites like Hypnosis4Guys and a few sessions over Skype/Discord back in the day, but they were almost all disastrous. Of maybe... 8/9 separate individuals, 6 violated my set boundaries (by recording me, by jerking off when we'd established it would be a sfw session, by trying to change the topic of trance to get their own suggestions in place) and I frankly have no interest as a subject in repeating this experience. So I stick to MP3s.

But that also means that I have little practical experience of live trance work on either end; I'm sure that I could improvise some BS as well as anyone else can. I'm not so down on myself that I think I'd never figure it out. But I don't have a history with it, and I'm pretty hesitant to pick anyone as my "first subject" who'd have to sit through me fumbling my way through a few sessions before I figured it all out.

Reason #2: Compared to producing 'nosis MP3s, live trance is a whoooole different ballgame intimacy-wise. And it's one I don't feel equipped for because of how seriously I'd want to take it. Needing to provide aftercare, working with safeties, ensuring a sub's comfort and ease... these are all considerations that are uniquely challenging to account for in live trance, and ones I'm very hesitant to do with a stranger as a result. Even something as simple as needing to guarantee my internet doesn't go out, or that I don't get interrupted... I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something went wrong/a subject had an abreaction when they were under for me.

Hypnosis is a tricky business, and it can dredge up unpleasant/unwanted emotions in people pretty easily if you strike the wrong chord (which, in this whole space of TF kink, is possible if not common.) I have had panic attacks a not-insignificant number of times in trance, and I know how scary it can be. I would want somebody more experienced/educated than myself to help me through it if we were trancing together.

Reason #3: To date, I don't consider I've gotten enough training to be engaging with these pseudo-therapeutic topics on a specifically one-to-one basis. I already try to step lightly around certain topics like image and self-worth in my files because I'm not a psych grad and my only "qualifications" in hypnosis or therapy are short-form courses. (I am, however, pursuing further education in hypnosis and doing a course on it right now.)

But this is complicated because the suggestions a lot of subjects in this space want, me included, can really put you in a psychological minefield. Things like habit change, strong TF ideas, ego effects and permanent change ✨... they're closely tied to our sense of identity, self, sexuality, etc, and there IS a risk of some butterfly effect when you go plucking these strings. I'm not criticising other tists for tackling these issues/themes via live sessions. Their choices are their own, and their subjects are choosing their tists just as much as the other way around... but personally, I would feel irresponsible dipping into people's minds in that way.

But then... why are files different?

Ultimately, a file is different because it's premade; I am writing a script, I'm telling you what it contains, and it's up to you to decide if that's right for you. There is no learning on the fly what I'm speaking about (assuming you read a file description), and you've at least broadly decided you like the theme I'm exploring. After pretalks and setup, a live trance is improv; even if you're working repeatedly with a subject on their specific desires, that requires a flexibility/change that demands a lot more "Navigation" of the sub's psyche than files do. It's more involved. As I said earlier, it's more intimate. And it's a lot more responsibility.

I still try to be responsible with my files. I pay attention to safeties, ethics, etc. I am wary of encouraging irresponsible behaviours without appropriate softening, and I generally temper my own desires a little when writing to avoid causing harm inadvertently. But that same caution would make live work very challenging to do well, so I haven't yet.

Sorry for the seriousness of the post, but I figured it was worthy of a full response. Thanks for reading.

[thezenanna]

Your bridge started to burn when you ran all across it.

Patreon | prints | portfolio | commission | Buy Me a Coffee

story behind this weird erie looking illustration (if u dare)

I recently had a bad fallout with a fellow tattoo artist friend whom I treasured so deeply like a twin sister (she looked exactly like me). I think it's neat when you're surrounded by people who are good for you (i.e, people who respect your experience, supports your growth, but won't hesitate to call out what you can do better as well as learn from you).

But it sucked when the person I realized was good for me wasn't at all genuinely good for me.

She burned away every single bridges down to the last one which is me.

If you bump the brightness on your device to max, you can faintly see an eye lurking in the background. It was a drawing I did of her eyes.

She was and still an amazing artist. Her personality was fierce unlike my soft one. People kept mistaking us as twins everywhere we went. So we started bonding like sister. I've always longed for an older sister figure in my life. She thought that I was much better than her actual younger sister. We made a promise that if we ever did something the other didn't like, we would say it to each other's face instead of hiding it and risk it piling up til one day one of us couldn't take it anymore. She was caring and helpful to me. I've always been attentive and treated her with utmost affection (more than my actual brother even).

I could say as many admirable things about here as well as her flaws. I saw her flaws but I looked away, or at least tried to think the best of her, such as coming up with some reasonable explanation for her unreasonable actions sometimes. I was mentally justifying her problematic behaviours with other people in other words. The way she treated other people wasn't okay sometimes, and I would say something to made her feelings valid and kept my actual opinions to myself, while receiving a much different story from others. It was working until it wasn't. I didn't see it coming because I would never thought one day she would direct those problematic behaviors right back at me.

She is a narcissist. I won't go into details what exactly she did to me, but it was enough to tell me that she didn't treasure me as much as I did to her. Hells, she never really treasured me at all. I felt deeply betrayed. I'm the kind of person who wears their heart on their sleeves, so the whole thing left me devastated for weeks, even a bit now still.

My girlfriend and my other tattoo colleagues who actually care about me pointed out and analyzed how she was gaslighting me and using me. She literally had problem with each and everyone in the studio and now me, the person who has been the most affectionate to her. They didn't want to intervene because they respected my personal life choices. My tattoo mentor sort of predicted the whole thing for awhile as well. I still would like to believe that she did actually cared about me at one point but then it turned into something else selfish.

All that said, I didn't regret loving her like my twin sister. I would not change all the things I did for her. I'm a firmer believer in love and kindness are what make people even though it sucks that some doesn't think of them so. My mentor asked me if I was trying to to fix her when I was close to her. I said no, I never thought of her broken to begin with. I just felt like she was so alone and she seemed like she lacked a lot of love, so I was happy to give her.

She could have been the greatest, but shame she just had to go burn down all the bridges and pushed out everyone.

That being said, I still believe in love and kindness, and will open the doors happily for everyone who comes into my life, even if it means risking my heart.

I'm most proud of myself for not quitting art, for still getting up in the morning knowing that I lost a sister. Even when I wasn't producing any commercial illustrations that benefit my career, just drawing alone has been quite meditative in helping me process my feelings peacefully, as well as giving me something to do, keeping me away from moping in bed.

[crazycookiemaniac]

You know what? If anyone is concerned as to why I don't have a "real" job like most people, not that I owe anyone any explanation, I guess I should talk about this a bit. So, to anyone who cares:

First off, finding a job is not as easy as it seems. There is so much more than just handing in a curriculum, being interviewed so you can then, maybe, get hired. What about your experience? What about your confidence? What about your knowledge? And so on forth.

You can't just find a job because you want to. And, as a matter of fact, not everyone wants to work for companies to make the rich even richer, anyway.

I grew up being very naive. I never paid attention to what happened around me. I could barely make friends due to a bunch of circumstances that I don't think is necessary mentioning here, but I've always been a very lonely person, deep down.

I remember clearly watching my mom do the math on her notebook to see if the money she got was going to be enough for the month. I remember clearly how much I wanted to help her pay the household bills, and one of the first things I did when I turned 16 (age I could legally start working with my parents' permission) was try to become an English teacher at a small English school that was pretty far from home. The owner of the school, who said I was "undergoing training" to teach according to the school's method, never gave me a single penny for over a month that I wasted working for free until I realized he was using me and quit.

And then I kept trying. And trying. And trying. Worked for almost 4 months as a cashier at a retail store, worked as an eyebrow designer for almost 2 months, tried several different university courses, as well as other short courses over the time. I kept trying to find myself in anything and everything at the same time. I could never stay at one place for too long.

Meanwhile, during all these years... ever since I was around 12... I've never stopped drawing.

Art is the one and ONLY thing I've never given up on. Art is something I love so much, I've never wanted to even think about selling it because I firmly believed that what's made with love should be shared and not sold. But life made me realize that I didn't belong anywhere that didn't have a paper and a pencil.

Art is what I do. It's the only thing I can do. Christ, it's the only thing I LOVE to do. And even though I would love to have a second job, to learn more things... I don't have the confidence I can do anything else.

I've grown to know that I have ADHD, Bipolar disorder, and OCD. Since the end of 2020, my mental health severely deteriorated, and I had to go to a mental hospital in 2021 and 2022, as well as I had to go to a part time hospital in 2023. Because of everything that went on, my financial situation got really bad, so I've been trying to pay everything off with what I gain from commissions and donations I eventually get.

See, you don't have to like me. Feel sorry, much less. But some people need to understand that some things are just not as easy as it seems. Everyone walks their own path in life. I'm walking down mine. It's hard, not just for me but for everyone, but I'm doing what I can.

I'm not proud to ask for help all the time. I wish people would only commission or donate to me because they like my work, and not because they feel sorry. But I don't have any other choice. My family can't help, so I have to do what I can.

So, please. Try to understand that I'm doing the best I can.

[staytinyville]

Wooyoung

PLEASE REFER TO MASTERLIST TO GET FULL TAROT READING EXPERIENCE

↣ Summary: You weren’t a starving artist, but you were struggling to come up with the perfect piece after a famous critic commissioned one. When Wooyoung, your boyfriend, had told you he would help to find the missing piece, it leads to something that you would never be able to find without his words.

↣ Characters/Pairing: Jung Wooyoung x afab!reader

↣ Genre: smut (m), fluff

↣ AU/Trope info: starving artists!reader, supportive bf!wooyung 

↣ Word Count: 1.5k

↣ Warnings: mommy kink if you squint, sub!Wooyoung, dacryphilia sorta

↣ A/N: I will be honest and say I tend to write the reader a certain way when it comes to smut. However, I do try to avoid it as much as possible. However, for this one, much like my Hongjoong one, I feel that their emotions are really high to the point where your sexual desire is up there for Wooyoung. 

THE EMPRESS

Femininity, beauty, nature, nurturing, abundance

The Empress is a card that represents femininity. Whether you are male or female. You are taping into your emotional side that shows you are much softer than most. It doesn't mean you are a push over. It means that you are someone who knows what they are feeling and how they are feeling.

It also signifies abundance meaning that you are in a point in life where you have what you need. It might not always be there but for the time being you have the resources needed to achieve everything.

There is a lot that this card means, but a majority is when it talks about the side of you that needs to get in touch with your feminine side. Going out into mother earth and getting familiar with nature is something talked about with this card.

III THE EMPRESS

There was something bothering you as you stared at the canvas that seemed to be morally gray. Literally.

“You good?” Your assistant asked you, cleaning up the mess you had left behind. “You've been staring at your painting for a long while.” They told you.

“Yeah.” You sighed, setting your brush down. “I don't know, I feel like it’s missing something.” You answered.

“It looks kind of dull.” They told you, coming to stand next to you.

“Colors, maybe?” You asked them.

“Possibly.” They nodded their head. “Imma head out. See you tomorrow.” They waved to you

“Bye.” You called softly. 

Staring at the piece for another hour, you gave up with a groan and decided you were done for the day. The moment you stepped out of your shoes, you felt a relaxing energy flow into you as the scent of dinner seemed to enter your senses. You smiled softly, walking into the kitchen to find your long-term boyfriend finishing up dinner. 

“I'm home!” You called out, hoping he had heard you come in. 

“Hi, sweetheart!” Wooyoung smiled brightly, coming to wrap his arms around your waist. 

“Hi, Woo.” You giggled, kissing his head as he snuggled into your chest. “You didn't have to make dinner.” You pulled him back by his cheeks, watching as they squished together under your palms. 

“I wanted to.” He blinked slowly, giving you a grin. “Don't worry.” He waved you off, going back to finishing up what he needed to. 

As you watched him plate the food, you took a seat at the dining table, shoulders slumping from the stress that was seeping into your pores. You had told the man that you would cook dinner sometime this week, but the large piece you were working on seemed to be taking up your time. You felt bad for neglecting him, which made tears spring into your eyes. 

“Hey, you okay?” Wooyoung suddenly gasped, turning around and wiping at your cheeks as he kneeled in front of you. 

“I don't know.” You sniffled, looking down at him. “I feel like I've been neglecting you.” You admitted. 

“You could never.” Wooyoung smiled at you. “You've just been too busy with that commission.” 

“I'm almost done with it, but I feel like something is missing.” You sighed thinking about it. 

“Are you stressing over it?” He asked.

“No.” You shook your head. “I just can't seem to find the right colors.”

“How about I take a look at it tomorrow? Maybe I can help.” The man’s grin made you smile, not wanting to reject his offer if it meant you got to spend more time with him. 

“Thanks, Woo.” You spoke softly. 

“Anything for my love.” He leaned down to give you a kiss. 

The following day, Wooyoung sat in a stool looking over the canvas that seemed to have dark colors. While there were some greens and blues, the hues were washed out and looked too dark or too light. 

“It's missing colors.” He immediately told you.

“I know that.” You told him, walking closer. “I just don't know which ones.”

“It's missing your personal touch.” Wooyoung spoke up. 

“What do you mean?” You asked, looking at his dazed smile. 

“You did the painting, but it doesn't look like yours.” He stood up, moving you to stand in front of your canvas. 

“You're someone who is nurturing, like the mother dear taking care of her fawn.” He said, looking at the painting from over your shoulder. 

“You're free, like the trees that look like they are swaying in the wind. But you're also a natural beauty, like the flowers in the meadow.” You felt him grow closer to you, his front pressed to your back.  

“It's missing your personal touch. The you that sets you apart from another painter.” He reached over to whisper in your ear, making you shiver. 

You took in a breath, eyes glancing over the painting once more. As you felt Wooyoung’s hands move to your waist and over your hips, a smile began to form on your lips as you finally came to a conclusion of what to do with the rest of the picture. 

“Thank you, Wooyoung.” You breathlessly said, turning around in his arms.

Your hands found themselves behind his neck, softly playing with his hair as you dug your fingers into his scalp.

“It's my job to make you see the beauty you have for everything.” He whispered, glancing down at your lips. 

“I love you.” You told him, placing your forehead against his. 

“I love you, too.” He smiled softly. 

You pushed your lips onto his, savoring the slow movements of his kisses. Your body began to grow hot with each passing second as you pressed harder to Wooyoung. And the moment you heard his sweet whines, you felt your nerves vibrate down your body. You had one thing on your mind and one thing only. 

If you could paint the way he looked and the way he sounded the moment you pulled away, you would do so in a heartbeat. You pulled Wooyoung along the studio, softly making him sit down on the couch where you would lounge during some of your breaks. He looked up at you with a frown, hands placing themselves onto your thighs. 

“What are you doing?” He pouted. “I was supposed to show you what you were missing.”

You laughed softly, leaning down to give him a kiss. “As you said, I am a nurturing mother. Let her take care of her baby boy.”

A whine fell from the back of Wooyoung’s throat, which made you sigh in pleasure. His head was dropped back against the couch, Adam’s apple bobbing as he took in shallow breaths through his open mouth. Taking the chance, you softly licked the tip of his lip with your tongue, causing him to twitch as the soft feeling. He licked his lips out of habit. 

Before you sat down on his lap, you took off your pants, allowing him to feel the skin of your thighs against his fingertips. You sighed at the warmth that was radiating off him, hips moving back and forth as your body began to feel everything going on around you. Especially on top of Wooyoung. 

Wooyoung didn’t have to be told what to do at that point because he knew exactly what you like. His hands wandered up your shirt, rubbing against your sensitive skin. Just as he was doing that, your own fingers pushed themselves into his hair, messaging his scalp. 

“Woo.” You spoke breathlessly. 

“Tell me what to do.” He whispered against your skin as he placed his lips against your collarbone. “I only want to please you.”

You allowed him to pick you up, setting you down on the couch on your back. He hovered over you, slowly grinding himself into your heat, which had you twitching. As he kept his eyes between the two of you, you had moved to grab a hold of his cheeks, making him look at you. 

“You please me more than enough.” You whispered against his lips. “Show me how much you love me.”

“Anything for you.” Wooyoung quickly began to rid himself of his clothing, leaving him bare for you to see. 

As he had been taking off his own clothes, you took off the rest of yours allowing the cold air to hit your nipples and make them hard. Wooyoung went back between your legs, crawling up towards your lips to give you more kisses. As his tongue slipped past his mouth to play with yours, your knee jerked up when you felt his hot length against the inside of your thigh.

Your fingers scratched at his back lightly, which made him sigh against your lips. As his hips began to rut against you, he felt that you were slick enough to avoid you being in pain. But still when he felt you rutting your hips against his every time his tip caught against your clit, he kept trying again and again to hit the same spot. 

“You’re so perfect.” Wooyoung breathed out, lips moving down to a stiff nipple. 

You breathed out, chest puffing outward towards his lips. “I just want my sweet boy to be happy.”

“You make me so happy.” Wooyoung was close to tears at how much pleasure he was feeling just hearing you talk about him. “You treat me so good.”

His hips began to pick up pace. “You wrap around me so perfectly.”

“You get so wet for me. I can’t help but cry when you do.” He choked up a little. 

You quickly picked his head off your chest, wiping away at his tears and kissing them away. “You’re such a good boy, Woo.”

He moaned out, falling forward as his orgasm sputtered out of him. You could feel his seed hot on your pelvic bone, so you moved your fingers down to clean it off you. As you did, you brought them up to your mouth and licked them clean. 

Wooyoung’s whine made you turn to look at the boy laying on your chest. “You’re perfect.” You whispered against his lips. 

“Only for my goddess.”

Tags : @cultofdionysusnet , @wonderlandnet , @pirateeznet , @k-vanity

[circyexistforcontent]

There's a team comp event yay

So like uh I have 3 teams that actually work to dps

Team Ganyu is Kokomi, Ganyu with Yelan's weapon, Diona and Shenhe, who shares a Sands with Klee and Wanderer (Hajime)

Team Nahida is Kokomi, Nahida, Keqing or Klee, and Yelan or Diona who shares her entire artifact set with Yaoyao because Tenac is a pain in the ass. When I use Yelan I take Aqua Simulacra from Ganyu and put it on Yelan. Ganyu has a Skyward Harp anyway

Team Scaramochi is Hajime, Faruzan, Benny and Kokomi. Benny is often exchanged for Diona. I've been debating putting Yelan instead sometimes.

Feel free to choose whichever one lol 🤗

TEAMP COMP: WANDERER, FARUZAN, BENNY, KOKOMI FT. DIONA Note: I-I'll take the last team, please, I just came back to the genshin fandom I don't know most of this information-

♥ Poor Kokomi, why did you place her on this team? She has to deal with both Wanderer and Faruzan arguing with each other, along with Benny's sulking self and bad luck always sabotaging the team. Diona is just sipping on some juice she made back at her home and smiles, thinking about the time you will come and use her again.

♥ Kokomi, despite being a Hydro sub-DPS, still takes the place of a leader due to her experience back at Watatsumi Island. She helps with the team and plans a strategy so their damage can be higher and you'll use their team more often. It is a bit hard due to you having two Anemo vision users on the team, but with Benny and Diona she can make a plan easily. Still, she burns herself out with how much she carries this team. Wanderer is stubborn, claiming that he'll only follow your orders and not hers, he sometimes even goes out of the plan when fighting in domains. Faruzan is okay, she follows the plan and even helps Kokomi, but that doesn't mean she's out of the problem. Faruzan eggs on Wanderer when he mentions how he's the better Anemo user, causing the both of them to fight. Benny and DIona are the only sweethearts in this team, and are the only ones Kokomi appreciates.

♥ Faruzan has been trapped inside a ruin for a century. Who wouldn't become paranoid about being alone again? She wants to cling to you and never let go. She will do her best in the challenges! She will also do as many commissions as possible for you! Just please don't bench her! That being said she clashes a lot with Wanderer, or Hajime as you call him, due to him being possessive of you. She thinks Wanderer shouldn't be on the team if he's not willing to cooperate with Kokomi, by extension not willing to help you progress more in the game. She stands by her own beliefs and does not back down when an argument arises between the two of them. She's not going to use her weapon, she's more professional than that. But if it's needed to get a point across Wanderer's head, maybe it isn't a far possibility.

♥ Wanderer is possessive, the reason why is explained in his past. He's trying to be a better person after being given a chance by Kusanali, but he still falls back down every time he sees you close to one of the characters. He tries to get your attention through voice lines that were not in the game, to doing idle animations you've never seen before. Can you take the hint of what he's trying to tell you? (you just wanted to play genshin-) Why do you need another Anemo user when you already have him? With that in mind, he doesn't like Faruzan. He thinks she's being overbearing and selfish with your attention, and you already know what happens when a clingy yandere and a possessive yandere have the same love interest. They fight. A lot. Kokomi had to hold him back so many times before the fight turns physical. Just, be careful about who you pay more attention too. Better yet, split their time equally.

♥ Benny is sad that he gets switched often with Diona, but understands. You need someone who doesn't have a curse holding them back from doing their best. He's alright with seeing his new adventure team running around without him. He's definitely not on the verge of tears! When he's not in your team, he sits on the bottom of your statue off-screen. It brings him a little comfort being near you in some way, and your statue is the second closes thing aside from being in your control. His dads comfort him, saying that you're just giving him a day off after he works so hard for your team. It doesn't do much, he wants to always be on your team! He doesn't need a day off. He is a little jealous of DIona, but he's not going to fight her. He thinks it'll only upset you further so he holds back any anger that threatens to spill over.

♥ Diona is smug. Haha! She knew her talents would soon be acknowledged by you. She works to make her shields better than they already are, even practicing how to use her bow better so that she always hits her target. She doesn't mind her team, at least, not as much. She scampers away to hide behind Kokomi whenever Faruzan and Hajime start fighting so as to not get involved or affected by the fight. But she's willing to deal with this team if it means being a step closer to you!

♥ I feel like this team wouldn't work out properly. But with Kokomi, it will somehow still work out. Benny's elemental burst is useful for the team and Diona's shield provides a lot of support for the other three team members. Faruzan and Wanderer strive to hit higher numbers just for you, killing off the mobs easily and ending the challenge quickly. It's a big contrast to when they are offline...

[arikihalloween]

what has your experience been with commissions?

Haha well

I'll be fully transparent, I'm very rarely commissioned

I've had my comms open since like, 2021, 2020 maybe and since then I've only done 6-7 comms total

Not like I can complain much, since I've never actually needed to rely on commissions unlike others (tho rn that kinda money would be a great help for food/rent for me lol)

I kind of already know why I'm not commissioned much

1) I don't advertise myself all the time

2) I'm a small artist and until last year I had no visibility, much less an art style people would actually wanna buy

3) I'm a very gift giving person so I have a bad tendency to do comm level of work for friends or family lmao

But I disgress

As for my experiences with the few comms I had, it actually went great ! I've never been scammed, and only had very understanding and sweet clients, most of them being actually people close to me in some way

I recommend to always stay aware of the type of scams people do to artists who take commission, some are really common and easy to spot, and knowing them lets you avoid being, well, scammed

Other things for commissions that I learned, is that communication is key, boundaries are a must, you gotta respect your client and yourself too, and if you can, have the payement in advance. And also, don't underprice yourself ! A fullbody render with background SHOULD NOT ever be under 20$ !!

Ik it's scary to price your art high when starting out or when you're a hobbyist, that's also why I'm still within a 10€-25€ range at most for my art. But those prices are not actually viable to make it a living, and I fully know that. If I wanted to make a living out of it, I'd charge straight up in the 50-70 if not hundred at minimum lol.

Tbh I wish I could be commissioned more

Especially as I'll be free for the next four week, I can work on some and it'd help a lot as I said before.

I have my prices pinned everywhere on my socials, and my dms are always open to order :3

Good to note that I offer a 40% discount on holiday themed commissions, goes for any religious holiday (not just christian)

I'm putting my prices here again as well as exemples (sorry anon who asked but I'm taking an opportunity to advertise mwahaha)

In order, we have :

Lined work, sketch, colored fullbody with basic rendering

Artfight pages with various works, from simple render, flat colors, simple or complex bgs

Fully rendered artworks

Flat color no line, and AU ref sheet

I have various styles and render methods (yay polyvalence)

[dreadfutures]

I hold in two hands:

everything is going pretty well. I am slowly making friends and deepening friendships IRL in my dream town. relationship w my family is the best it may have ever been in my life. my job is easy and satisfying and eases my conscience and I enjoy it. i am getting back into physical art. I call my best friend from grad school every week. I play DND with my best friends from college every week. I play Pathfinder with a group I've been with for six years every week. I have every cuisine imaginable available to me, there is every kind of hang out spot nearby, transit is cheap, and I'm under very little pressure in life. I have improved my digital art over the years and have the honor of being commissioned to draw people's OCs! I have a story I've been writing for four years that I am still passionate about and invested in with a dedicated readership of 100 or so people every update. I get to participate in exchanges of art and writing about fandoms I love, with people who love them. I have been able to introduce good people looking for communities to good communities full of good people. I have been able to run a (so far!) successful large fan event to celebrate all of that. I have so much I'm looking forward to, games and music and movies and books, travel, visits, museums...

and

I am tired. Depression is coming back for me like the tide and with it comes this irrational unsteadiness. Where things have been certain, solid, steady, and where I've been unconcerned and happy, I'm finding myself insecure, jealous, shy, uncertain, self deprecating, self conscious, unconfident, unhappy. everything I make I question. I can't help but feel the weight of all the things I usually brush off as meaningless. There's no amount of rationalization, reassurance, or interactions that can turn that around.

It just is. Both. All at once. For now.

I am very grateful for what I have. I really am. but I will never not be depressed, you know? Like, if I'm being pulled under by a rip current every few months, at least the water is warm now. And it'll let me out eventually I guess, as it always does, and I'll find my footing again. It's easier to find footing again and not drown than it was 5, 7, 10 years and many prescriptions ago. but right now I just wish I could find a therapist to have an outlet to express, process, experience those feelings safely with another human being who won't be affected by it all. It has been a long time since I've been the kind of childish person who goes crying and wailing about my insecurities to people in search of validation and praise that I would then reject. But watching other people do it makes me wish I wasn't so far along on the self awareness journey and could be so freely pathetic again. Because that behavior does receive so much validation, pretty intensely, lots of preening comments that feel morbidly good and bad simultaneously, you know? But it feels better than silence, even if it comes with the shame of publicly begging for attention and validation lmao. But better than silence is also just having a place to express stupid feelings and cry a river about petty things and then be able to sigh or laugh it off and put those feelings in broader contexts and move on without ruining my life and relationships.

I just fucking wish they didn't all set their appointments by telehealth only, and in the middle of my goddamn work day.

I don't want a room mate again but I wish I didn't live alone. I wish I just had someone who got me, who sees me and loved me, in the same room, day and night. I miss the person who inspired DPDF a lot these days. they weren't the first person I had that connection with and they don't have to be the last. and our connection isn't the same anymore but it's still precious and it's hard being apart but that's how it has to be. There will be others. it'll be fine. someday maybe. in the meantime it's cooling down from this heat wave and there are lunches to attend and weird driveway artisan shows to sniff out and cafes to write in and cute outfits to wear and things to learn and I'll play more good games and I'll get my hair done special and at some point the positive feelings will catch up again and maybe I'll be able to enjoy them fully like a normal human being. at some point I'll blink awake in the middle of a conversation and realize I'm feeling happy and clear again. that's how it always happens and in the meantime I hold both of these feelings in separate hands at once. Tangible. If I say out loud that they're both real then they both can be, again.

[venusmage]

FAQ Post!

I've gotten a good amount of repeat questions the past few years and thought I'd make an FAQ. No need to RB or anything, this is going to go in my pinned post!

I still always happily will take questions, this is just for folks who might want to just find the answer without going through the extra effort. These are mostly about art and TTRPGs :)

ART STUFF

What brushes/programs/hardware do you use?

Almost all of my regularly used brushes come from either Retro Supply or True Grit Texture Supply! I'm not sponsored or affiliated, just really like the quality of their products. They have sales fairly frequently and I've never had any complaints. I also use quite a few products by Ittai Manero.

Right now I primarily work in Procreate on an iPad Pro. Procreate is my favorite art program and I'm quietly hoping they eventually make a desktop version.

I very recently also got an XPPen Deco 01 V2. Partially because there's some art programs on desktop I want to learn (Aseprite, Blender) or programs that have superior desktop versions as compared to mobile (ClipStudio). I'm also teaching some grade-schoolers digital art and wanted to have the same kind of tablet as them (I haven't used a screenless tablet for over half a decade). As of right now I'm very happy with it! For the price it's an easy recommendation.

I mainly use ClipStudio in this instance, and the brushes linked above both also support the program (aside from Manero). However there's a huge user-base that upload free assets constantly that makes ClipStudio so great. I especially like painting in it for some reason!

What's your opinion on AI art?

I don't like it, obviously, but I get how people who lack the context and education on why it's bad wouldn't get it. I also think that some other artists fearmonger a little too hard regarding it and it has the unintended effect of making the situation and it's nuances even harder to understand. I talked about it here.

Did you go to art school? Would you recommend it?

I did, I have a BFA in illustration and graduated from CCAD in 2018. Every art school is unique and my experience with art school and the benefit it gave me is VERY different from how I believe it may be for others. As of right now I think there's a lot of good cheaper online resources than private art education in general. I did have a wonderful time there though, and it's availability helped me eventually escape a domestic abuse situation - so my feelings are a bit complicated.

Do you have a dream art job?

I'd love to be a college-level art teacher. Funny I know, considering I just said art school isn't always worth it. I just deeply enjoy the craft and discussion surrounding art in general. I'm tempted to make art videos one day to scratch that itch.

What's your favorite/least favorite part of the drawing process?

I hate sitting down and getting the sketch started (hello ADHD...) And flatting. Linework/sketch cleanup and finishing details for color are where it's at for me.

What made you interested in art?

My grandfather was a painter, sculptor, and stained glass maker. He will always be one of my biggest inspirations. In terms of media, there's a ton - but I started internalizing art as a skill after seeing the Shivering Isles DLC concept art by Adam Adamowicz. I started appreciating how art can be weird and beautiful and whatever you want after reading Evan Dahm's Rice Boy (and the rest of his work). I also had a particularly beautiful book cover for A Wrinkle in Time by Leo and Diane Dillon when I was little and their art rewired my brain chemistry. At the time I said Adamowicz was my most impactful inspiration but on reflection I really do think it's the Dillons. I talked a little about it here.

(2023-24) Commissions haven't been updated in a while. Can I get some more information as to why?

I have a post here about it! If you're one of my clients, please feel free to reach out to me if you have any further issues. I apologize for the delay and am more than happy to work out something with you if you're unhappy with the wait. I'd advise messaging me here or on discord - the latter of which is linked in the post.

TTRPG/DND STUFF

What system is your DnD game running?

I'm running my game using a modified 5e ruleset. 5e happened to just be the first TTRPG system I learned and I also really enjoy Forgotten Realms as a setting - though I take extensive liberties with both. I'll probably be moving away from WoTC's products and the system after this campaign, though. I already change lore so much the setting has a lot of differences.

What materials do you use in your DnD game? Do you play online or in person?

As much as I'd adore to get to play IRL with my friends at some point, our game is currently online. For our current campaign I recently made the switch from Roll20 to Foundry VTT. If you're an online exclusive DM and have the money to buy the one time license, I would recommend it!

A list of what I use to run my current game:

Foundry VTT

Discord (A custom server for Voice Chatting/Private DMs/Memes and art sharing/Scheduling)

Epic Isometric (On Patreon. Digital isometric maps and tokens. Have been using them since at least 2020 if not earlier. Will be making tutorial videos soon!)

The Dungeon Sketcher (Also on Patreon. Also isometric maps and tokens. The artist frequents Epic Isometric's discord server where we all share custom assets we've made, too. His stuff blends in pretty seamlessly with EpicIso)

Vile Tiles by Gabriel Pickard (Found on the Roll20 marketplace, but you can use the assets in any VTT. For theater of the mind and RP backgrounds)

Artstation (Our game is not streamed, so I tend to use backgrounds I source from concept artists for RP backgrounds. If you stream a game, obviously always ask the creators of your assets if you can use them.)

Procreate/An art program (I draw the PC/NPC portraits for our game myself)

Milanote/Any note-taking method (Milanote is just what I use to plan the game, since I already use it for other hobbies and commissions as well.)

Do you stream your game? Is there someplace I can find out more about it? Are you looking for players?

I am not looking for players! Our game is also not recorded or streamed - mostly because I'd get some serious DM stage-fright. I also like it being a relaxing experience for myself and my friends where we're performing for ourselves, instead of with the pressure of a potential audience.

However, I do have a toyhou.se world where information on the game is available - including session recaps! If I ever get the time I also want to draw fun comics and little animations of what happens because my friends are very inspiring to me and DMing has quickly become a favorite hobby.

You can also search the words "Seven Asunder" on this blog and you'll find relevant posts here.

Can I use your art/assets/ideas in my own game?

I can't really stop you. If it's not recorded, streamed or monetized and you're not saying you created anything I made yourself, I legitimately don't care! This even includes using character art I've made. I just would like to politely request you don't post any of it publicly to avoid confusion and to respect my players - many of the NPCs in my games are also characters they create and I cannot give permission for them (obviously). It also would kind of suck to see one of my own beloved characters supposedly "belonging" to someone else.

Essentially, I understand taking inspiration and having "placeholder" images/artwork for characters in a game. Not all of us have time or resources to have custom art! Just don't take one of my or my players' OC's designs and start saying they're yours publicly , pretty please :)

Once commissions are over and I find the spare time, I intend to release free-to-use (personally and for streaming) art packs for folks' games. I also highly recommend the patreons I linked above.