#I lack the energy to add Sige

[redthemarten]

We're in the ocean, Your Grace! Pirate and Merman costumes? The swashbucklingier the better!

Well, heck yea!

The Duke is very satisfied. This might even be his favourite one so far. As you approach him in hopes of getting Credit Coupons for your reward, you hear a low, warning hiss. You meet a pair of squinted, scary-looking lilac eyes. You scuttle away, mumbling that it's okay to have them delivered...

[ayesichi7]

"Aren't you curious about your future?

Curious about whom you'll meet?

Carry your best friends baby, or your future baby maybe?

Curious about how cold canada is? "

Words spreading from the other end.

I keep having the state of mind that I already accept the fact that  im gonna die and im okay with it.

The past few months I found myself  sharing about my thoughts but not every bits of all the things that cause me pain, there are still things I dont want anyone to know.  but I am having virtual Consultation with my psychiatrist today, she took piece by piece, the history, the things I NEVER told anyone about, my relationship to my family (each of them) the first attempt to die back when I drank zonrox.lol. the hell I've been through for 2 years that I dont have contact with literally everyone (that I hate to talk about), the periods of gloomy mood, very intense feeling of despair, and even of rage as I contemplated how powerless I was; how useless I felt and how very alone I believed myself that for a brief moment the only escape I could find was death, why I started praying for devil instead of god to take me and never woke me up cause i felt even god left me thats why I had to go through the hell i am right now.. (and now my demons are chasing me)

and to why i book that appointment to her. It lasted for 2 hrs. maikog sad tas 5k oy ug dali ra . and doc always calls me anak 😭😭 which made me more teary eyed every time she talk.

Well diagnosis sayd Ive gone MADD lol.

Mixed anxiety-depressive disorder.

Doctor said I got EVERY symptoms, from worrying about being a burden to all even when they keep repeating its not, Feeling hopeless, meaningless, Lack of energy or motivation, the tiredness I always felt, loosing interest in everything, unable to concentrate why I have been making mistakes at work, nga sige nalang yawyaw si Tom 🤦

Trouble in sleeping, frequent crying, being sad for no reason, and up to suicidal thoughts and attempts.

She ask me to have our consultation every week.  😰 With that na stress kog samot, 2k every week, plus 2 antidepressants prescription, hahahah bigti nlng girl oy kaisa rang gastos dayong.

One thing that hit me is when doc said "you mastered the art of covering up all of the pain and sadness by making other people happy. "

For all those years that I managed being friendly, and carefree personality, I am not as happy as I seemed to be, even behind all the pressure I used to get since I was a elementary the way. words said to me by my parents that until now I am still keeping in mind, the things I should've experience or know at very young age, all things piling up as trigger points as to why now  I am feeling this way.

My Doctor ask me to have a journal everyday, like im talking to someone about how everything is going on, write every bits if it.

and she ask me to write this Reasons to live. As many as I can.

1. Make HDM successful, so the business the three of us started together will still remain even if im not.

2. Help Dayan work her way out and move to canada and get a job.

And suddenly I stopped writing….

I have nothing to add.

Nothing excites me anymore, just NOTHING! Even watching comedy movies, I ask my ate sometimes asa may kataw anan ato? They all laughed while I am just staring blanky. I guess there is no hope for me.

Doc said to keep all sharp objects from my sight but I just can't