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blahsome · 5 years ago

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March 18 2020, yet another big milestone. 25 years. A quarter of a century. Is it a big deal or are numbers arbitrary and it’s the same amount of a deal as it ever has been? I can’t publish everything I’ve written down for this year without feeling guilty, but I also can’t step on no toes all the time. And now, I will also feel guilty posting this when there's a pandemic occurring, but, I am trapped at home with little to do other than edit and re-edit this writing to be suitable enough for the public. I started writing this on April 9, 2019, too early to start my 25th anniversary writing? I’ll guess not. So here it is, my yearly open letter to my mother with intermittent ramblings and poems about my experience moving though life as the person I am and my perceptions as a flawed but resilient female. It’s like if I put it out there, maybe I’ll somehow reach her and she will somehow let me know. Highs and lows, as usual. Just after 2 years off the sauce I had a bigger ‘aha moment’ than putting down any bottles, though one wouldn’t have happened without the other. I realized drinking wasn’t my real problem to begin with. It was people, and my desperate need for their acceptance and approval. My need to be recognized and valued instead of coddled and unconsciously kept in a box. My need to control the outcome of situations and stepping on toes in the process. After so long being alcohol free I came to see that I had to start living for me. In early June 2019 a dear friend turned me on to a book called CoDependent No More. In maybe a week’s time I absorbed every word, the narcissist in me was almost convinced that I’d written it myself, it resonated so deeply. The following week I started attending CoDA meetings. Now that so many of my grievances and ailments make sense, I only wish I’d known sooner that it was okay to live life with me as my number one priority. I didn’t know before that I didn’t have to feel responsible for other people’s actions or inactions, but my self worth had been dependent on it. I’m 95% sure my mother was CoDependent, and with that consideration, I’m able to understand her life choices better and therefore navigate my own with slightly better foresight. Wikipedia says “Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.” Now, that’s just one definition. There are many charastics to pick and choose from, and let me tell you, us codependents (I can only speak for myself) can be picky and choosy. Some people define codependency as a disease because if it goes untreated it only gets worse. I’m trying to break a lifetime of habits. Hi, My name is Blossom and I’m CoDependent. Every Monday night I go to a meeting where a group of women gather and we all try to work on ourselves to let go of whatever unmanageable ailments are keeping us shackled. It’s humbling and it fills me with hope. It empowers me to continuously seek change and clarity. Codependency is a tough one to recover from, as you can’t quit people. Once I had a name for this problem, every love song sounded different and every frustration made sense. I became able to recognize crazy making and slow down and see that I didn’t have control and things had become unmanageable. In doing so, I was able to step back and make better decisions for myself and my life and that’s how this whole last year unfolded more in my favor than any year previous. I worked on detaching and I started living for myself. March is a hard month for me. I sometimes feel so undeserving of a skin to be settled in. I writhe around in my persistent and annual grief. I start getting anxious in February wondering how it will appear this year. This March is particularly hard. I moved into a house with strangers and rarely stay there. I’ve got no place of my own to grieve, and with COVID-19 amongst us, I don’t want to take up any more emotional space while the world is feeling its current devestations and fears. My hopes for 2019 were to have more highs than lows, make my amends and reconciliations, and to keep my head mostly above water. And that was mostly the case. My aunt told me shortly after my post last year that my mom had self imposed low self esteem (now I recognize this as codependency). Watching home videos of her I feel like I could see stress in her face and I think about what she wrote in her journal about worry making her face look funny and how she didn’t want anyone to feel as she did. Maybe because it was a different time she felt like she couldn’t talk about her anxieties and had to bottle them up. I’m thinking about all the time I’ve spent transfixed by being a motherless daughter and trying to figure out where I fit into the word. I’m thinking about how long I spent tending to my father's bent and dusty wings, thinking I’d needed to see one of my parents fly so that I could’ve learned how it’s done. I’m in some required college to career success class that’s making me question my path, as if stress wasn’t doing that already. I’m laying in bed wishing that I’d figured out sooner that my wings were fine regardless of anyone else’s. I wish you were here so I could tell you all about everything. And so you could do the same. And so we could share the load. I quit smoking finally. Now my only vice is other people’s problems and trying to fix them to no avail. The eternal heartbreak I mentioned in my last letter makes more sense now. And the boy who told me to turn off the lights on my birthday sent me a podcast that said something about only being able to be loved as much as you’re willing to be vulnerable. And I think we’re all scared to be completely honest about how shitty we are, so we just perpetuate the shittiness and stay closed and unloveable. Early August 2019- I’m off track as usual, probably malnourished, definitely exhausted. This morning I was crying, I thought I wouldn’t be able to pull it together and that my eyes would be red when I got to my first job of the day. I think I was mourning. Things are going to change so much. I won’t have any more free time. I have to restructure everything. Which I think is what I wanted, but what a learning curve. I still have desperate hopes of creating a camp for motherless daughters someday. And it has to be accessible to all. But lord knows how far off in the future it is. At this time my feet are seldom beneath me, I’m sprinting forwards and if I stop I will stumble. I have to figure out my shit first I guess, and I’m putting in the worrrk. Or trying to at least. At a CoDA meeting a woman was talking about learning how to wield her anger, a thought that made me tremble. I liked the sound of it, as I have so much, and if we could turn it into a power, a force for good...it’d be all over. But I’m stifled by it, embarrassed of it. When I cancel plans it's usually because I’m embarrassed about how angry I am over something out of my control, and I can’t come down. Everyone was relatable, everyone seemed to be making progress, even if at this time it looked like a breakdown. They told their stories and I cringed inwardly, thinking of what I would have done in their situation. The time for change is now, I’m shaking in my boots. Some poetry and prose: My broken heart painted my world red slandering your name ensuring I’m to be seen as a fool who sobs wolf My depressed history understands every bit of where you come from like we have the same veins My logical self tells me that’s your burden to bear but I do everything I can to fabricate your crutches and excuse your bad behavior - Codependent Cowgirl Uncharmable. You only want your ex cause you think that’s where you can be yourself, but really that’s where was born the version of yourself you hate the most. Here I am standing strong, aching for my newest weakness. You’re having none of it. If I unclench my jaw and take a deep breath Tears roll down my cheeks THIS is relaxing So I tense back up And jump back into my cortisol spiral There is too much to get done to spend even one second thinking about you Six Sundays have passed since I’ve seen you last Codependency writes all my prose and all my sonnets All my pros and wilted bluebonnets - Go hard or go home Or go hard and stay at home, for forever because you thought you and your home would be each other’s salvation because home was the only thing that ever willingly invited you to change it and was better for it. But home got too heavy and home wouldn’t change on its own. And all the changes you did accomplish didn’t prove your worth. Plagued by nostalgia and sentiment Chronic grief Frozen in grief, and just when I begin to thaw, the temperature drops again Perpetually stressed What if to lose a parent as a child, is to lose the present. Because then you are trapped dreading the uncertainty of the future and wondering about a past you never knew and will never know, theirs. - Fuckless nights I unwittingly dusted off my fiddle strings and played as best as I could but you were never pleased. I was always out of tune or just off beat. -- And so let us not demonize others for our perceived shadows they cast and have casted We can’t all be deciphering your eccentric and elaborate needs when you’re shouting CUNT at the tips of your fingers and claiming to empower women while you dig in your claws to another. Chicken soup wasn’t enough to cleanse your soul. -- I think about you every day Literally nothing happens And I’m reminded of you I wake up I think of you I want to punch a wall I till the dirt I think of you I go on a date I don’t like him I think of you I let myself get so fucked up over you My rose colored glasses are shattered but I’m still wearing them I can’t bring myself to say nothing but nothing I say gets through to you I was operating out of a place Of fear I felt threatened by any number of women I’d never met and will never meet. I saw a message on your phone It confirmed my suspicions You drunkenly tried to explain it away I wanted to believe you but I had already poured the concrete and I cart it with me everywhere Slowly I’m leaving little bits here and there Becoming lighter - This week I wrestled with my codependency, Manic and exhausted from my nervous system vibrating I spent countless hours elbows deep in the dirt trying to find the root of it all An unsolvable problem parallel with reality Hard work makes me stronger Even if I can’t kill all the weeds Progress over perfection What even is progress? fuck my life. I’m no fun at this time. The doors will rot in the yard, my gut tells me just like the others. It’s not even a metaphor, just a strong probability, and a waste. Oh my god the realizations just keep rolling in. For hoarders the drama triangle isn’t just for people, but objects too. The doors must’ve been playing victim, and he’s gone to rescue them. The only corner left for me is The Persecutor. - Back in the thick Texas air Drawn to tough love From best friends to boyfriends Can’t get enough of the push and pull I’m nothing like the others I’m so much more with so much less You make me nervous But I don’t have much to lose I want to roll over and kiss you on the mouth I want reciprocation I want you to push my face away Just to kiss me on the neck You always get me with a twist We are scared of each other Collective hurt Collectively hurt We are missing something and are unable to accept ourselves and each other as we are I don’t know how you can lie to me Or how I can stick around for it For all those times you smash it right I guess Second best to you kissing my neck Is when I’m out of sight but on your mind I don’t fit in to some plan you thought you had I break the mold I’m quiet and bold We are anxious, we are stepping on each other’s toes Bite your tongue For better or for worse Things stay the same But with time, and your tongue between your teeth Eggshells are everywhere, splintered into our feet Make it up as you go along Keep the gas on I’m filling the space between my eyes and my rose colored glasses with wool - Same as ever Tongue between my teeth Lighting up another 100 out of 10 You wonder if you know me But you don’t give yourself the opportunity I’m right behind you writing my words that my teeth won’t allow my tongue to speak Desperation is such a drain Self inflicted low self esteem A familial affliction Looking like a 10 Feeling like a dud That low self esteem has me trembling And today was a good day - With a bottle of booze as his gate keeper He’ll never let me in I’m flushed, way too in my head Thinking up scenarios to catch you with your hands red bloodied from tearing my heart out and probably hers, too. - When I first quit drinking I felt this temporary empowerment, like I always had my wits about me. I could do anything. And then my codependency cloud settled back in, my intuition slipped back out the window. Now it’s like I’m in the desert, with a paddle, which makes even less sense than being upstream without one. It takes so much energy for me to state my needs. I’ve lived much of my life being brushed off and I predict rejection of my needs and so I try to suppress them and be ok with things as they are, but I need more. When I’m cancelled on, or am not prioritized, I need to be provided with alternatives or I feel insignificant. Reminders of my stated needs feel like nagging. I need reassurance. It’s exhausting and disheartening. -It’s the little things like when I ask if you want to do something and you tell me what you’re doing instead, without offering any alternative. Or when you tell me nothing. And I have visceral feelings that to inquire is to overstep and overstepping leads to termination. When I’m doing better I don’t write as much. Pain is romanticized, joy is foreign to me and perceived as fleeting. I’m trying to flip that script. Going to CoDA helps me in this effort. It reminds me that there is space for me and it's ok for me to have needs and taking care of myself should be step one in all of my endeavors. It's ok to say no. I don’t owe anyone anything, and also no one owes me anything. I’m closer than ever before to becoming the butterfly out of the cocoon, though I'm still very far, and that's okay. Progress over perfection. Now wash your hands and stay safe. If not for you, then for your loved ones, or your friends friends loved ones.

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dxmedstudent · 7 years ago

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Have you ever had some periods in your life where you felt pressure to grow up really quickly (i.e. be in relationships etc)? I'm nearly 20 and I kinda feel that way, I really want to focus on becoming the woman I want to be and shaping the type of life I want to lead before entering any potentially heavy relationships but I feel there's this massive narrative that I would be a latebloomer/infantile. Do you have any advice?

Hello, that’s a very interesting question, so you’re probably going to get a long answer. Please bear with my waffliness, hopefully my answer will cheer you up. I think growing up is immensely difficult, because you’re going through a huge change. Now, I know we technically become adults at 18, but did any of us really feel like grownups at 18? I certainly didn’t! Even into my early 20s, I still felt like I’d just left school! It was only in my mid 20s that I fully realised I was a proper grownup. And that’s scary, because suddenly you realise it’s your life to muck up however you wish. Until then, your life is pretty much laid out for you, and you’re waiting for it to really begin. The weirdest (and most freeing) feeling I remember from that time was looking down at my body and realising “this is me. I’m not going to get any taller. I’m not going to get any skinnier, probably. I’m not going to get prettier. I’m not going to get healthier. But it’s OK.” And I realised that a lot of the things that I hadn’t liked about myself when I was a teenager weren’t so bad, after all. I was OK, and that was enough. After the tumultuous time that is our teens, your 20s is a time when you really grow into being an adult. But it takes time to really get to know yourself and what you want out of life.

It can be hard when you compare yourself to your friends. For example, I was still in university on my second degree when some of my friends had gotten jobs, moved out and bought cars. A couple had even settled down. You know, grownup stuff. Meanwhile, myself and my other grad med student friends were living in student accommodation or with our parents, doing homework, and feeling a bit like our teens had gone on for way too long. You feel financially insecure as a forever-student. And a bit left behind. I personally gave quite a few clothes and things to charity because I didn’t want to feel like I was the same person as when I was in school. We reminded ourselves that we were working on our goals. Some of my friends felt very conscious of their ages, many still do. But my motto tends to be “If I am doing something I love, then that time is not wasted. You never feel that time passing is a problem.” So the key is to do what you love. Things that make you feel happy, and like you are advancing your life.Eventually, I moved out, got a job doctoring and stressing even more, paid bills and rent, bought a car and started worrying about planning for the future. Put more effort into looking after myself, and planning my career. And it didn’t really feel like it changed anything. I mean it did; life’s more complex and stressy when you take on “adult responsibilities” and the first year of doctorhood is like a yearlong panic attack. Bt once you get used to it, you realise that grownup life is overrated. You’ll be surprised at how not-different you feel even if you have all or most of the “grown up” milestones ticked off. The thing is, milestones such as these used to be something we hit earlier. You finished school (if you were lucky enough to study at all, not all my grandparents finished secondary school!), you got married, you had kids and settled into grownup life. Western terms, the expected order for the last few generations has been school - > university - >job - >house - >marriage - >kids. But give the financial sitation Millenials are left with, these things don’t always work out. We’re more likely to go to university than previous generations, which tends to correlate with a delay in settling down or having kids; it’s just easier to do those things once studies are out of the way, so lots of people wait. Having a house, or a job nearby is hardly guaranteed, so we all end up renting for longer than previous generations. You get plenty of people in the UK who are in their late 30s before they can afford to settle down in the traditional sense of the word. What I’m trying to say is that it’s not just you; our generations are acting differently, because the forces acting on our lives are different. So we have to be flexible in how we view adulthood. Most of my friends span between the mid 20s to mid 30s, with myself somewhere in the middle. By now, all of us have very different lives. Some got married young, a few have a child or two. some are in committed relationships, others are single. Actually, amongst medics I know, a lot more people are single than I ever expected. And for the most part, they are perfectly happy, with fulfilling lives. TV does not prepare you for the fact that your 20s or 30s isn’t like a romcom. Like on TV everyone just sort of meets people without any effort, and gets into longterm relationships, and everything ends happily ever after. It’s just not like that. Some of my friends have been trying so hard to be in the right relationship. For so many years. They had it all planned out; the guy, the kids, the house, all by 25. It just didn’t happen, but not for want of trying. It made me realise that there’s really no point in adding extra stress to ourselves about this, because it’s kind of outside our control. If you want to date, date, but please don’t force unnecessary arbitrary timeframes on yourself. Because feeling pressured risks settling just to get it over with. And when you know people who’ve settled or who’ve divorced by their mid 20s or early 30s it reminds you that you have to be really sure you’re in the right relationship. Getting married definitely isn’t just something to tick off your list. But also a reminder that you can’t predict everything that will happen; I’m sure those people didn’t see t coming. So worrying too far ahead won’t help. We can only take things one step at a time and hope for the best. Just today I was having a Whatsapp coversation with my former roomates and besties about how pressure to date coming from family is frustrating, because sometimes it’s just not a priority for you. My friend, let’s call her Squirrel, to give her due credit. She said something very wise: “ I’m really grateful to have a job that’s meaningful, and friends and interests, think if a person comes along to share that with great, but I don’t think it would be good to force it just to tick boxes.”And I think we all agreed, because we viewed dating pretty similarly. Personally, there have been times when I have been more committed to dating (and when you like someone doesn’t it just feel like it’s all you think about? XD) , and there were times when it was literally the last thing from my mind. Just like my friend said. And that’s true for most of my friends. Like, sitcoms don’t prepare you for the fact that sometimes you’re just happy to chill and don’t really feel the need to look. And that when you do look, your reasons might not be like they are on TV. TV has a lot to answer for in how it depicts being single, especially single women. I’m going to focus on single women who date men here, purely because the dominant narrative mostly ignores LGBT dating. Single women on TV are either bitter and angry or sad that they can’t get a man, or labelled too dysfunctional to be able to love. But in reality, people have lots of reasons for being single, just as they have lots of reasons for being in relationships. The more stuff you go through, and the more your friends go through, the more you realise it’s nothing like TV. Being single, dating, being in a longterm relationship; all of these can be either happy and content, or miserable depending on the circumstances in your life at that time. Sometimes we feel the need for companionship, and there’s no harm in meeting new people and seeing if anyone clicks; I’m not here to denigrate dating, or “looking for the one”, or wanting some casual fun. If it’s what you want to do, and many of us do. If you want to meet someone, then logically, you have to make an effort at some point. If you don’t feel the need for it right now, then you don’t have to do it right now. I promise you as someone who has spent a lot of time single, for the most part nobody cares. The older you get, the more you realise that people aren’t overly invested in what you do, not even your friends. Sure, I’m ecstatic if my friend is dating someone she likes, and I’l be the first to cry at a wedding (God I love weddings. The merest hint of my friends actually being happy makes me weak). But does it actually affect me if they are single; no, we just chill together. And if they have a cool guy, then we chill together in a group. Our teenage years are so full of judgement (like, I, a grown woman, still have hangups about music of all things, because of teenage girls), but when you reach adulthood and you get out of the claustrophobic school environment, you realise other people don’t really care as much as you feared they would. Any ‘friend’ who does judge you for being single is not a great friend. But I promise, they will be few and far between. I will grant you that family pressure can be real; my friends and I were discussing this in the context of parents wanting have grandchildren. Some of my relatives are incredibly pushy about the issue, offering to set me up with randoms they’ve picked out (er… no thanks) and generally constantly asking me about when I’ll get married, even at the most inopportune times imaginable. Like, they can be ridiculous. So I’ve NEVER told them ANYTHING about my dating life. I just smile and say “We’ll see.” and wonder to myself if they’d even get invited if I get married. People tend to view the age of 30 (or 25) as a kind of deadline by which to have achieved all your dreams. It really isn’t! So go for what you want to do now, and just remember to evaluate your priorities once in a while. These are my simple rules:1) don’t leave anything you value as essential in last place. 2) You choose what is important to you. 3) The order of priorities can change at any time; go with your heart. 4) don’t wait til everything is perfect in your life, in order to do the things you want to do. Because it’s easy to get wrapped up and not realise that what you want has changed. If you ever feel that being in a relationship or having kids has become more important, then bring it up a few levels in priority. Now, we all know that there’s a sort-of time limit on having kids, but 20 is not it. So if it’s something you really want, then don’t leave it til your late 30s to start dating. But otherwise, just do what you want to do now. If you want companionship, just see where meeting people for fun goes. If you would rather focus on work, then do that. But remember that if kids or a relationship are really important to you, you may have to prioritise them eventually, in order to stand a chance at having them happen. For some people they are an extra. For some they are essential. For some, they are the last thing they want! Only you know how much things matter to you.Think about what you want out of life, and take little steps towards achieving it bit by bit. As long as you’re working towards the goals that you value, then your life will be an interesting journey that you’ll enjoy along the way. I hope your journey is awesome :)

#askdx #ask dx

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shayfan · 7 years ago

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My One Year Wonder

Dear Tofu,

Right now, I am sitting at the computer at 10:26pm the night before your birthday. Do you know why I’m sitting at the computer at 10:26pm the night before your birthday?

No, I know you don’t know - you couldn’t possibly know unless you had already read this letter before, and in which case, I appreciate you taking the time to read my words again.

The reason I am furiously typing this evening is because for the past few weeks I had been churning words in my head to adequately describe what I am feeling.

Almost 365 days have almost passed since the day that I waddled into an operating room and you were brought into the world. I was awake for the whole procedure (sounds scary, but it really wasn’t). Your dad insisted on playing Frank Sinatra, since that is one of his favorite musicians and the surgeons said that we could pick a music station. When you came out, the doctors were so excited to show you to us that they actually ended up flinging a bunch of goop over the curtain.

Yep. That happened.

Exactly 365 days ago, the night before you were born I was nervously sitting on the couch in our apartment in San Francisco with your dad. I knew I was going to be meeting you the next day. I didn’t expect to meet you until a few days later, but you had other plans (as I’m sure you will many, MANY times in the future).

I had gone in for a regular doctor’s appointment. Everything was supposed to be normal. Easy. Kicking the tires on a car, like a boring oil change.

But no. My blood pressure had spiked.

“I’m afraid this baby will need to come out tomorrow, if not today,” Dr. Huh said.

I wish I could say that I broke into an ecstatic grin, and proclaimed that I was more than ready to see you, to hold you in my arms. But the truth is, I ended up sputtering and sobbing and then trying to take deep breaths in an empty office in order to bring down my blood pressure.

Why?

It’s not because I didn’t love you - I did, and I do, and I forever will.

It’s because I was very, very scared.

I didn’t know if I was ready. I didn’t know if I ever would be ready.

But in any case, it was decided -- rather, I like to say, you had decided -- that September 15th, 2016, would be your day.

So here we are. Almost one full revolution around the sun.

I still haven’t told you why I am typing this letter to you at 10:32pm the night before your birthday.

As I said, I had been busy percolating and toiling over all the thoughts in my head of what a big deal it was to me that you were hitting your first birthday. One year. One full trip around the sun (although time is arbitrary, but we can discuss that later one day when you’re older). I thought about it and thought about it, and I finally sat down and after a few attempts, I penned (well, typed) a letter to you.

A letter pouring out all my feelings.

I gave it to your dad to read, eager for his thoughts. For him to tell me that I had written something momentous and magical, and perhaps (I knew it was a long shot) perhaps even TEARS -- yes, real tears -- would glisten in his eyes because he likewise felt so touched by my words.

But you know what he said instead?

“What is this? This is not your voice.”

He kept reading and then said, “You don’t call her DARLING.”

And then he said, “Can you even translate this sentence for me in Chinese?”

(I could not).

(But it was a really, REALLY poetic sentence).

I got angry, and felt offended. I had written what I thought was a heartfelt letter that was supposed to traverse time and space (okay, mostly time) and one day reach you. I wanted you to be inspired! I wanted others to be inspired!

But, no.

So here I am. I’m writing you again. And I guess I’ll try to skip the fancy prose and sentences and just prattle on like I usually do.

Bao bei - my little muo guai - there really are very few words that can fully encapsulate how I feel about the past 365 days that have led up to your first birthday and what it means to me to be able to reach it together with you and celebrate it. While I know that the full day will be like almost any other day, in the back of my mind, it is special.

As a kid, I loved my birthday. The truth is, I loved it because it was all about me. I was taught by your Popo to always be thinking of others, to always be humble, to put myself second. Maybe third. Sometimes fourth or fifth.

But my birthday - your Popo made those all about me.

And growing up, the birthday was a day where I would reflect on what has transpired the past year.

Then I had you.

Now, birthdays are different. Different in a way that I have never felt before, just as I had quite honestly never known that it’s possible to feel almost ten emotions all rolled up into a doughy mess inside my heart.

When I first held you in the hospital and nursed you - I remember thinking how it felt like magic that you calmed down when I held you to my chest. Your dad was snoring (loudly, as he always does... as he is right now next to me, UGH) on the couch in the hospital room. I had read that there was that mother child connection, but to actually experience it was surreal.

You were crying, crying, crying. But the moment they laid you on my chest, you quieted. You closed your eyes, and you slept so soundly and so deeply.

I was exhausted. And I was happy. And I was touched. And I was grateful. And I was fearful. And I was overwhelmed.

There was a night where I was nursing you and all I could think was how you are just starting the story of your life. And somehow, I get to be a part of it. I get to be in this role as your mother. I felt so privileged, but I felt so scared. I wanted in that moment to know that everything would be okay.

But nobody can guarantee that.

Your birthday is one that fills me with such joy because I got to see you go from a skinny, scrawny little bag of bones (whose eyes widened so much that I could almost see the little neurons in your head firing when we gave you your first bath) to a chubby, giggling, shrieking little monkey that points nonstop at things and inquire about them with a very incredulous, “HAAAAAAAAAH???”

I know why people say to revel and relish every minute -- it’s because those minutes pass, and you grow and change every day. I can’t wait for the future, yet I can wait for the future. I yearn for moments in the past, yet I don’t yearn for moments in the past.

Moments in the past were some of the hardest ones I’ve had to endure. Even to this day, I remember feeling so bone weary and tired that I felt like I was a walking zombie. Reality felt like it was slipping from my grasp. It felt as though there were no light at the end of the tunnel, and I felt as though my mind was cracking from trying to piece together two or three hours of sleep at a time.

And, on top of that, we had to leave our first home in San Francisco. You don’t remember that place, but it was a place that was full of wonderful cherished memories for me and your dad. And the dog (that was his first home too).

But time went on. The days went on. The painful tears, the frustration, everything...it all passes.

And one year later, here we are.

You are completely different from the first moment I met you. Different, but the same.

You are the same little one that I loved so very deeply. I was (and am) grateful my body was (and is) able to provide food and give comfort and support to you. Though the first few months of time had me gripped in a fog of sorrow, resentment (not at you), and anxiety...I still gasped at all the moments you hit a milestone.

The first time you mimicked your dad was over Thanksgiving. I think he was teasing you, but we were both immediately delighted when you stuck your tongue back out at him (he deserved it).

I remember waking up and going to your crib, and the first times you gave me a gummy, gummy grin. One night I was nursing you and you even popped off to giggle at me. Which made me giggle. Which made you giggle.

Which...you get the point.

I remember watching you squirm and squirm while you tried to roll over for the first time (having a mirror helped...you seemed fascinated by your own face). The first time you crawled seemed to come out of nowhere, you completely skipped army crawling.

The first time you tried eating solid foods, you almost seemed to want to snatch the spoon from my hand. I knew that this was one of the signs that you had an independent streak, while also being clearly very stubborn (another example of this is when you continued to keep shoveling food in your mouth when you did not master the pincer grip at all).

I didn’t realize it’d be possible to want to cry from both joy and sorrow until you. Every milestone brings me joy, but it reminds me how you are growing up.

And one day, one day way too soon, you’re going to be a fully functioning adult (whom I hope we helped guide you to being a good person -- because if you’re not a good person when you’re reading this right now, we SERIOUSLY have to sit down and talk, young lady).

I hesitate to share this with you in this letter on this day, but it wouldn’t be a true outpouring of my heart if I didn’t.

Birthdays are no longer about me and about celebrating my own milestone. Now they are about you, and the mere fact that we are here celebrating your first when so many other parents and babies were not able to meet this same milestone...I feel incredibly grateful.

Every birthday of yours will fill me with joy because it means you have reached that next milestone. And a part of me will always, ALWAYS fervently hope that you will reach many, many more and that I will be able to be there to celebrate with you...or, at the very least, send my love and wishes from afar.

Because my sweet and stinky Tofu, it is my wish that you will go many places. You’ll meet many friends. You’ll have many wonderful teachers. You’ll experience so much love, and even in the darkest days, it’ll only make you stronger and more fierce.

We joke that you have a boss baby look -- a look that is both tough, discerning, and, if I’m being honest, sometimes a bit grumpy. I hope that you continue to own that look. I hope you own that face.

Because this face -- this face is amazing.

Here’s to the 365 days around the sun that we traveled together. I love you so much sometimes that my heart feels like it will burst.

Happy birthday, my bao bei, my tofu, my monkey...my one year wonder.

Much love, squishes, and kisses,

Mom

P.S. I hope that this long, crazy, rambling letter is up to snuff to your father’s standards.

P.P.S. He’s still snoring RIDICULOUSLY loudly, by the way, ughhhhh. I really hope that in the next decade some technology will help fix this problem. Maybe you could get working on this in the future.

#open letter #one year #writing journal #baby #baby girl

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tinycl0ud · 7 years ago

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Do you have any tips on running a Studygram? I'm thinking of starting one but there are already so many Studygrams, I don't know if me making one will make an impact :(

hi anon! i’m not the best or biggest studygrammer out there but I’m flattered you decided to ask me :> i think it really depends on what you mean by making an ‘impact’, so before you start a studygram you rly gotta ask yourself what you hope to get out of it. do you want to gain followers? do you want a visual record of your study journey towards some major exam (like ‘A’ levels)? do you want to make friends online and feel like you’re part of a tight-knit and supportive social circle? do you want people to admire your lettering/ bujo? do you want to post photos of stationery? do you want to get extrinsic motivation in the form of encouraging comments and likes? there are tons of reasons why people start studygrams, not all of them healthy, but rly it’s your life so u can do what u want but u have to be honest with yourself and be prepared for the consequences.

ok sO I SAID THAT ON MY STUDYBLR I WILL BE 100% REAL SO IMMA DO SOME REAL TALK AND IT MAY BE OFFENSIVE BC SOME THINGS OFTEN REMAIN UNSPOKEN BUT rly if u know me this is how i am 24/7 and if you disagree we can have a civil conversation about it later on. also i’m very sweary so you have all been warned.

if you’ve asked anyone else they’re v likely to tell you ‘the study community welcomes all! just do you and post original content and over time your account will grow’. maybe it’s worked for some people, but idk man it feels like a stock answer and i don’t think it’s working for most people who are in it for the numbers because they later resort to other methods that i will address below.

so before you dive into it i just wanna say that i have seen so many people get discouraged and stop posting / lash out at others because they did not get the popularity they wanted. they didn’t reach their ‘milestone’, an imaginary construct, and then they leave the community silently, or they go off on a rant about how it’s ‘cliquey’ or ‘exclusive’ or how ‘big accounts don’t care about small accounts’. WHY MAKE YOURSELF SO UNHAPPY THO? honestly being numbers-oriented will never give you happiness because THE STUDY COMMUNITY IS ALREADY OVERSATURATED and not every account can eventually ‘make it big’. this is the reality of it. you can try to gain followers by buying them, spending an inordinate amount of time plying smaller accounts with compliments and likes in the hopes that they will follow you willingly, sfs, fff, etc, OR you can not play the numbers game and do it for yourself. post what you want because you’re proud of your notes or your bujo. talk about your day or an exam or a test you screwed up on because you want to look back on both your mini successes and failures and see how far you’ve come. i’d recommend that. and to add on to that here are a handful of more specific ‘do not’s.

1️⃣ don’t obsess over your ratio. what ratio? the ‘posts : followers : following’ ratio. it’s childish and arbitrary. idk how having a 4:10k:70 ratio is supposed to make you a better person or a better student, but people really do that shit. like wtf. they delete/archive their posts and follow only big accounts (who MUST be mutuals) just to maintain that ratio. it’s ridiculous. and idk how someone can have the time to do all that AND get good grades. achieving the golden ratio at the expense of your own future is not worth it ya so fk that.

2️⃣ don’t obsess over making an ’aesthetic’ feed. i know this is really ironic coming from me bc my feed is just about as constructed and artificial as it gets. but that’s what i’m in it for, and my grades don’t suffer for it. also i want to add that i’m here to make something beautiful for myself, not to fit the prevailing ‘white’ aesthetic. i’ve seen so many people apologise for an ‘ugly’ post or an ‘ugly’ feed and honestly it makes me a little sad because what exactly are they comparing their photos to? real paper isn’t white. paper in natural lighting has a yellow tint to it. muji notebooks have yellowish paper. even white bedsheets don’t always come out white in photos. no one has good lighting 24/7. and honestly idgaf about a ‘clean’ feed which more often than not refers to White Everything which is not only unrealistic but Boring with a capital B. maybe your posts won’t get as many likes as you want it to because of the dim lighting or non-branded stationery or your ‘unaesthetic’ ink-blotted desk that isn’t strewn with potpourri. but if you’re thinking along those lines then you’re already doing it for the numbers, y’know what i mean? fk the numbers! do it for art! do it for yourself! art doesn’t need validation to be art! also from personal experience, the prettiest most artistic accounts are often highly underrated. to quote a friend, ‘people relate to mediocrity’. if you try to copy the big accounts because you want to have that kind of popularity, your feed will look boring and generic and lacklustre, like a knockoff version of theirs. except you don’t have the numbers either. so what does that make your account but the ghost of another person’s? just be yourself and post your own shit it’s better in the long run.

3️⃣ don’t apologise for ‘not posting enough’ or whatever. it’s your account and honestly you don’t owe it to anyone to post anything, esp if you don’t have the time or energy bc of exams or impt life events. also i honestly don’t think anyone cares if you don’t post for more than a week?? tbvh no one really cares or notice???? if posting becomes an obligation then why even run a studygram??? isn’t it supposed to be a fun and relaxing hobby? if you’re posting because you’re not gaining followers or impressions and you don’t even like the post that much so you’re gonna delete it later, WHAT IS THE POINT? pls refer to point 2.

4️⃣ don’t ask for sfs / fff. it may work with some of the nicer, more numbers-oriented people, but from what i know most big accounts really cannot stand it when some random upstart comments / dms asking for a shoutout or for a follow or for them to ‘check out their page’. you will be labelled thirsty or attention-seeking, and they may or may not mock you on their private accounts. it’s just really irritating? like why even create a study account if you’re just trying to play the numbers game? are your grades really going to improve if you can ‘reach’ 1k followers? i have never done sfs / fff bc it just feels dishonest to me. if i shoutout someone it’s bc i think their content is underrated and deserves more attention, not bc i want their followers to follow me in exchange for my followers following them. it’s just so…transactional and dehumanising? i don’t think followers should be treated like mere statistics and i prefer having genuine friendships.

5️⃣ don’t do the ‘follow for a followback and then unfollow’ thing and all of its variations, e.g. ‘follow and then unfollow if you don’t get a followback’, ‘leave a dozen comments hoping for a follow that you won’t reciprocate’, ‘leave a dozen comments hoping for a follow first bc u don’t want to follow without a guaranteed followback’, or the worst: ’calling people out for unfollowing you when you never followed them back because you’re obsessed with maintaining your golden ratio’. it’s unsavoury and off-putting and everyone can see right through it.

6️⃣ don’t post a coloured-out screenshot of your latest post on your story informing people of your new post and asking them to ‘check it out’ or ‘show it some love’ when we all know it means ‘pls like my latest post bc numbers matter to me’. maybe it works if you have a big account bc even if it’s only 0.5% of your viewers who will purposely tap on your profile and like your latest post, that 0.5% is a lot of people which translates to a lot more likes. but if you’re a small account it just looks like you’re imitating the big accounts and being thirsty for followers and likes. it’s not classy. to put it colloquially, damn despo lah don’t liddat can.

#anon #advice #real talk #studygram #answered

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saxophonekory · 7 years ago

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Unpopular Pro-Trans Opinions:

Hey there, Kory here; and to celebrate having reached 130 followers, I have a milestone special that's going to cost me a lot of followers! Yay! So, I've been meaning to make this post, for a while, because as a supporter of trans-rights, I see a lot of ideas thrown around that group of activists that make me kinda understand why people think the whole concept is so crazy; but I was torn over how it may be alienating to my followers. But now that I have a big enough following where losing followers shouldn't be that big a deal, let's get into the list! #1. Minors Should Not Be Allowed To Transition - Sure, many would compare this to minors getting tattoos, but minors transitioning is a completely different ballpark. Tattoos are cheap, and so is removal, when you compare it to most sugeries. Transitioning, on the other hand, is mind-numbingly expensive; and when you transition, the odds that you could afford to reverse it are slim. Plus, even if you could, with medicine's current abilities, it could leave the transitionee with unsatisfactory results. You may roll your eyes at me for saying this, but people transitioning and feeling unhappy with their choice not only can actually happen, but has actually happened; and in many cases, people have killed themselves over it. Transitioning is a tough decision, and is one that you need to think over, a lot; and hence, I don't feel minors have feasible responsibility to make such a tough decision. #2. There Are Only Two Genders - I know, you're probably getting annoyed with hearing this one, but hear me out. I believe trans identities are valid, because studies have shown up demonstrating such. If you don't understand what I mean, humans a sexually dimorphic species. Sexual dimorphism is a trait of certain species that causes biological charecteristics to differ between the two sexes; for humans, at least, dimorphism exists in both how the body and the brain are built; and the brain is the particular focus of the point I'm framing. This difference is hence, accompanied by a noticable difference in behavioral tendencies exhibited, between the two sexes. The importance of this fact to my point is that there are recorded instances in which people have shown signs of brain development patterns extremely similar to the opposite sex. For nonbinary people, no evidence has surfaced to show that such is also the case fo them. In fact, whether/not that's even possible is strongly debatable. Sorry, but at the end of the day, the concept of nonbinary genders seem less valid, and more just like an arbitrary response to seeing trans people be validated. #3. Transitioning Should Not Be Free - (This one is more centered in the United States, but there are other countries where this priciple applies) It pains me to say this, but the United States can't afford free healthcare; with our current debts, the brink of war, and the already ongoing wars, our economy may not be able to survive making healthcare free. And as long as such is the case, I believe it's only fair that you have to pay for your transition. Like the rest of our economy, medicinal practice also has a line between needs and wants; and as is, there's procedures that are far more important that are twice, five times, or ten times, if not twenty times as expensive. Keep in mind, kidney transplants cost over $200,000.00 dollars, heart transplants cost over $700,000.00, and if you're unlucky enough to need an intestinal transplant, you could be paying more than a wopping $1,000,000.00 just to save your life. If you can acknowledge that fact, and yet still tell yourself reassignment surgery is a special exception, you're less of an activist, and more of a selfish prick. #4. Transtrenders Do Exist; It's Not Just A Dickish Slur - Do not take this the wrong way, I'm not saying all trans people are just being trendy; hell, I'm not even saying most are. However, there are people out there who do fake being trans to fit in, especially in areas where the idea of trans pride is a more popular movement. There do exist people out there who unwittingly do it too; essentially, being given the wrong idea about the concept, and treating it like it's some sort of fashion material. #5. It Is Safe To Assume - As a gay man, I face similar experiences with assumptions; and even having those experiences, I can still safely say assuming is not such a fucking crime. Such is the case, because statistics show that the majority are straight, and that cis are also the majority; people generally make those assumptions, because the odds of their assumption being wrong are little to nothing. In my experince, politely correcting them usually works; and if that doesn't work, I dunno what to tell you, except they're just dicks. #6. Gender Is Not Just A "Social Construct" - The concept of gender is the observation of the biological and neurological difference between the sexes. That's not a social construct, it's a scientific fact. Plus, even if it were just a "social construct", why would the transgender concept even be a thing, in the first place? #7. Older People Have An Excuse To Misunderstand - Transgender rights are only only very recently being validated; and just a few decades ago, not too many people even considered the concept. Not to mention, the elderly were brought up in a time when even racism was socially-acceptable; so, you can't really blame them for misunderstanding this concept. If a baby boomer doesn't understand the concept, you should be especially patient with them. #8. Children Should Be Raised Cis, Until They Suggest Otherwise - Children, especially ones of very early childhood will most likely not properly understand the concept; and raising them cis, until they begin to understand the concept of trans identities will allow them to consider it with much less confusion. For you to simply force trans identities will only distort their understanding of it. #9. Just Being Trans Is Not An Accomplishment - I'm looking at you, Caitlyn Jenner! As a gay guy, I can relate to this situation. When people find out I'm gay, their typical response is to congradulate me; and if their was anything to make me roll my eyes any harder, I would probably pull a muscle. Seriously, I like dick, it's not like I cured prostate cancer; and like being gay, being trans is just a birth circumstance; it has no indication over how you are as a person. Possessing such traits does not make you any superior or inferior to others. #10. Getting Treaten Like Shit Does Not Justify Demonizing Cis People - Even as a cis person, I am still gladfully supportive of trans-rights. Yes the people who antagonized you were cis, but to throw them all under the bus paints them all as transphobic, which is simply not the case; this is the same logic used to justify most modern hate groups' ideologies and actions. #11. Simply Being Unattracted To Trans People Is Not Transphobia - Y'know, it's funny too, because I've seen most of our movement complain about "fetishization". Being unattracted to you is not a personal judgement of you; people are not obligated to find you attractive. As a gay man, I obviously am a pretty big fan of the dick, and I'm personally disgusted by the vagina; and I would personally prefer a relationship that is both romantic and sexual. Having said that, I would not date a pre-op trans boy; and for post-op, that depends on how well the trans penis resembles a regular penis (I personally see a visual perfection to the structure of the penis that can be very easilly ruined.). For a pre-op trans woman, it depends on whether/not they plan to become post-op; and for post-op, no. I don't have any personal issues with trans people; it's just, for sexual partners, if you don't have a dick, you're not gonna stick. I think people who call it transphobia are basically on level with people who act like little bitches, because they got "friendzoned". Keep in mind, these people don't choose to find you unattractive; I think the gay rights movement has made that fact explicit enough, the past fifty years. #12. If You're Developing A Sexual Relationship With Someone, Your Gender Identity Is Their Business - If you are in a sexual relationship with someone, and you are knowingly hiding a trait of your body that you know for a fact would automatically make your partner uncomfortable, that is an act of rape; birth-gender is not an exception. These people do not choose to be uncomfortable with that, and they have every right to sexually disconsent that you do. If you don't let your sexual partner know this, and proceed to sexually interact with them, I'm sorry, but what you are doing is wrong, and you should be ashamed of yourself. They have every right you have to diconsent to sex, it's not all about you, their consent matters just as much as yours.

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ncmagroup · 6 years ago

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by NERIS Analytics Limited

Introduction

Often the very first question people ask after completing our personality test is “What do these letters mean?” We are of course referring to those mysterious acronyms like INTJ-A, ENFP-T, or ESTJ-A. As you may have already learned from the Type Descriptions or articles on the website, the five letters of these acronyms each refer to a specific trait, with certain trait combinations forming various types and type groups. But before we discuss those traits in depth, let’s explore their historical foundations.

The Historical Detour

Since the dawn of time, humans have drawn up schematics to describe and categorize our personalities. From the four temperaments of the ancient civilizations to the latest advances in psychology, we have been driven to fit the variables and complexities of human personality into well-defined models. Although we are still some time away from being able to do that, the current models account for our most important personality traits and can predict our behavior with a high degree of accuracy.

Personality is just one of many factors that guide our behavior, however. Our actions are also influenced by our environment, our experiences, and our individual goals. On our website, we describe how people belonging to a specific personality type are likely to behave. We outline indicators and tendencies, however, not definitive guidelines or answers. Significant differences can exist even among people who share a personality type. The information on this website is meant to inspire personal growth and an improved understanding of yourself and your relationships – not to be taken as gospel.

Our approach has its roots in two different philosophies. One dates back to early 20thcentury and was the brainchild of Carl Gustav Jung, the father of analytical psychology. Jung’s theory of psychological types is perhaps the most influential creation in personality typology, and it has inspired a number of different theories. One of Jung’s key contributions was the development of the concept of Introversion and Extraversion – he theorized that each of us falls into one of these two categories, either focusing on the internal world (Introvert) or the outside world (Extravert). Besides Introversion and Extraversion, Jung coined the concept of so-called cognitive functions, separated into Judging or Perceiving categories. According to Jung, each person prefers one of these cognitive functions and may most naturally rely on it in everyday situations.

In the 1920s, Jung’s theory was noticed by Katharine Cook Briggs, who later co-authored a personality indicator still used today, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI®). Briggs was a teacher with an avid interest in personality typing, having developed her own type theory before learning of Jung’s writings. Together with her daughter, Isabel Briggs Myers, they developed a convenient way to describe the order of each person’s Jungian preferences – this is how four-letter acronyms were born.

Of course, this is just a very simplified description of the Myers-Briggs theory. Readers interested in learning more should read Gifts Differing: Understanding Personality Type by Isabel Briggs Myers. As we define personality traits and types differently in our model, we will not go deeper into Jungian concepts or related theories in this article.

Due to its simplicity and ease of use, the four-letter naming model has been embraced by a number of diverse theories and approaches over the last few decades, including frameworks such as Socionics, Keirsey Temperament Sorter, Linda Berens’ Interaction Styles, and many others. While the acronyms used by these theories may be identical or very similar, however, their meanings do not always overlap. One of the reasons behind such a lengthy introduction is that we want to make it clear that there is no single definition assigned to these type acronyms – each theory defines them in their own way and it is entirely possible that if you meet five people who all say “I am an INFJ”, their definitions of what INFJ means are going to differ.

Types vs. Traits

Regardless of its structure, any type-based theory will struggle to describe or characterize people whose scores lie near the dividing line. A different way to look at personalities is through the lens of a trait-based rather than a type-based model. What do we mean by that? Instead of creating an arbitrary number of categories and attempting to fit people within them, a trait-based model simply studies the degree to which people exhibit certain traits.

You may have heard the term Ambivert, which is a perfect example in this case. Ambiversion means that someone falls in the middle of the Introversion-Extraversion scale, being neither too outgoing nor too withdrawn. Trait-based theories would simply say that an Ambivert is moderately Extraverted or moderately Introverted and leave it at that, without assigning a personality type.

A trait-based approach makes it easier to reliably measure correlations between personality traits and other characteristics – for example, political attitudes. This is why trait-based approaches dominate psychometric research, but that’s more or less the only area where these approaches are dominant. Because they don’t offer types or categorizations, trait-based theories don’t translate as well as type-based theories into specific recommendations and takeaways. Assigned categories such as Extravert or Introvert may be limiting, but they allow us to conceptualize human personality and create theories about why we do what we do – something that a more scientifically reliable but colorless statement, such as you are 37% Extraverted, simply cannot do.

Our Approach

With our model, we’ve combined the best of both worlds. We use the acronym format introduced by Myers-Briggs for its simplicity and convenience, with an extra letter to accommodate five rather than four scales. However, unlike Myers-Briggs or other theories based on the Jungian model, we have not incorporated Jungian concepts such as cognitive functions, or their prioritization. Jungian concepts are very difficult to measure and validate scientifically, so we’ve instead chosen to rework and rebalance the dimensions of personality called the Big Five personality traits, a model that dominates modern psychological and social research.

Our personality types are based on five independent spectrums, with all letters in the type code (e.g. INFJ-A) referring to one of the two sides of the corresponding spectrum. You can see where you fall on each scale by completing our free personality assessment, NERIS Type Explorer®. This approach has allowed us to achieve high test accuracy while also retaining the ability to define and describe distinct personality types.

Reliability and Validity

The social sciences, personality research included, have a problem: when looking at individual human beings, it’s hard to find anything consistent. Reliability and validity – consistent results and measuring what we think we’re measuring – are the two biggest challenges any organization in this field has to contend with. Let’s talk about that.

There are two ways to handle hard questions about reliability and validity. An organization can protect itself from scrutiny by making itself appear reliable, usually by making you pay to even take their assessment, with the claim that cost = quality. This doesn’t stop them from having a quality product, and it doesn’t mean that what they offer won’t impact your life for the better. But you can’t know until you pay – and it’s also easier to convince someone that what they’ve bought is good enough once they’ve already parted with their money.

The other method is for an organization to open itself to the community, making its tools and information accessible and accepting feedback from many sources. Such an organization works to refine itself out in the open. It gives you the grand tour, then lets you decide for yourself whether this is a space in which you can grow.

Yes, anyone can take our assessment, NERIS Type Explorer®, for free. You don’t have to register, sign up for a “free” trial, hire a consultant, or anything like that. But it’s this openness that gives our work strength – because this isn’t just about you. We firmly believe that the more people are aware of the strengths and weaknesses related to their personality traits, the better and more understanding this world will be for everyone.

This is why our assessment is available in 30 languages – again, completely for free. Thanks to this accessibility, our assessment has already been taken nearly 100 million times, a humbling yet motivating milestone in our effort to reach the world. We offer plenty of exciting resources for those who wish to go deeper, but we don’t make you pay just so you can glimpse behind the curtain.

Not charging for our assessment is precisely why we were able to make it highly reliable and accurate, across many cultures and languages – as you’ll see from the article linked below, NERIS Type Explorer® has excellent statistical characteristics that set us apart. The assessment’s value is also reinforced by numerous complementary surveys we’ve conducted, analyzed, and published. The thousands of comments people have left on our website are the best testament to the accuracy of our methods.

Not all of our insights will make you smile, but our goal is to give you the truth – because that’s what our research shows, and that’s what you deserve to hear. We’re proud to be able to share such insights, as opposed to flooding your screen with cheesy stock photos and empty buzzwords that you’ll so often see elsewhere. We don’t offer anything we don’t truly believe in – personality testing in job interviews, for instance – and we work very hard to make sure everything that does make it to you is thoroughly verified and validated.

Openness and accessibility issues aside, paid assessments also tend to have much smaller respondent samples, and consequently, are more likely to struggle when it comes to improving or expanding their theoretical framework or ensuring cultural validity. Our philosophy opens us up to more criticism, but that’s exactly why we’re able to grow and improve. There have been many cases, especially with translated versions of our assessment, where we went through multiple iterations in a matter of hours, achieving major accuracy improvements on the same day – a feat that any paid assessment would struggle to compare to.

So, it’s a myth that a personality assessment cannot be free, reliable, and valid. If you’re interested in going into the nitty-gritty of statistics and how we’ve verified the reliability and validity of NERIS Type Explorer®.

Let us now go through our five personality aspects one by one, and then move on to the type groups.

Five Personality Aspects

This section will describe five personality aspects that, when combined, define the personality type: Mind, Energy, Nature, Tactics, and Identity. Each of these aspects should be seen as a two-sided continuum, with the “neutral” option placed in the middle. The percentages you would have seen after completing the test are meant to show which categories you fall under, and how strong your preferences are.

Let us now go through the personality aspects one by one:

Mind

This aspect shows how we interact with our surroundings:

Introverted individuals prefer solitary activities and get exhausted by social interaction. They tend to be quite sensitive to external stimulation (e.g. sound, sight or smell) in general.

Extraverted individuals prefer group activities and get energized by social interaction. They tend to be more enthusiastic and more easily excited than introverts.

Energy

The second aspect determines how we see the world and process information:

Observant individuals are highly practical, pragmatic and down-to-earth. They tend to have strong habits and focus on what is happening or has already happened.

Intuitive individuals are very imaginative, open-minded and curious. They prefer novelty over stability and focus on hidden meanings and future possibilities.

Nature

This aspect determines how we make decisions and cope with emotions:

Thinking individuals focus on objectivity and rationality, prioritizing logic over emotions. They tend to hide their feelings and see efficiency as more important than cooperation.

Feeling individuals are sensitive and emotionally expressive. They are more empathic and less competitive than Thinking types and focus on social harmony and cooperation.

Tactics

This aspect reflects our approach to work, planning, and decision-making:

Judging individuals are decisive, thorough and highly organized. They value clarity, predictability, and closure, preferring structure and planning to spontaneity.

Prospecting individuals are very good at improvising and spotting opportunities. They tend to be flexible, relaxed nonconformists who prefer keeping their options open.

Identity

Finally, the Identity aspect underpins all others, showing how confident we are in our abilities and decisions:

Assertive (-A) individuals are self-assured, even-tempered and resistant to stress. They refuse to worry too much and do not push themselves too hard when it comes to achieving goals.

Turbulent (-T) individuals are self-conscious and sensitive to stress. They are likely to experience a wide range of emotions and to be success-driven, perfectionistic and eager to improve.

Type Groups

Now you know what each type consists of. But how do they fit together?

Our system has two layers: the first (inner) one defines our Roles, the second (outer) one – our Strategies.

Roles

The Role layer determines our goals, interests and preferred activities. There are four roles:

Analysts (Intuitive and Thinking [ _NT_ ] types, both Assertive and Turbulent variants)

These personality types embrace rationality and impartiality, excelling in intellectual debates and scientific or technological fields. They are fiercely independent, open-minded, strong-willed and imaginative, approaching many things from a utilitarian perspective and being far more interested in what works than what satisfies everybody. These traits make Analysts excellent strategic thinkers but also cause difficulties when it comes to social or romantic pursuits.

Read more about the Mind aspect. Energy

The second aspect determines how we see the world and process information:

Observant individuals are highly practical, pragmatic and down-to-earth. They tend to have strong habits and focus on what is happening or has already happened.

Intuitive individuals are very imaginative, open-minded and curious. They prefer novelty over stability and focus on hidden meanings and future possibilities.

Read more about the Energy aspect. Nature

This aspect determines how we make decisions and cope with emotions:

Thinking individuals focus on objectivity and rationality, prioritizing logic over emotions. They tend to hide their feelings and see efficiency as more important than cooperation.

Feeling individuals are sensitive and emotionally expressive. They are more empathic and less competitive than Thinking types, and focus on social harmony and cooperation.

Read more about the Nature aspect. Tactics

This aspect reflects our approach to work, planning and decision-making:

Judging individuals are decisive, thorough and highly organized. They value clarity, predictability and closure, preferring structure and planning to spontaneity.

Prospecting individuals are very good at improvising and spotting opportunities. They tend to be flexible, relaxed nonconformists who prefer keeping their options open.

Read more about the Tactics aspect. Identity

Finally, the Identity aspect underpins all others, showing how confident we are in our abilities and decisions:

Assertive (-A) individuals are self-assured, even-tempered and resistant to stress. They refuse to worry too much and do not push themselves too hard when it comes to achieving goals.

Turbulent (-T) individuals are self-conscious and sensitive to stress. They are likely to experience a wide range of emotions and to be success-driven, perfectionistic and eager to improve.

Read more about the Identity aspect. Type Groups

Now you know what each type consists of. But how do they fit together?

Our system has two layers: the first (inner) one defines our Roles, the second (outer) one – our Strategies. Roles

The Role layer determines our goals, interests and preferred activities. There are four roles: Analysts (Intuitive and Thinking [ _NT_ ] types, both Assertive and Turbulent variants)

These personality types embrace rationality and impartiality, excelling in intellectual debates and scientific or technological fields. They are fiercely independent, open-minded, strong-willed and imaginative, approaching many things from a utilitarian perspective and being far more interested in what works than what satisfies everybody. These traits make Analysts excellent strategic thinkers, but also cause difficulties when it comes to social or romantic pursuits.

Read more about the Analyst Role. Diplomats (Intuitive and Feeling [ _NF_ ] types, both Assertive and Turbulent variants)

Diplomats focus on empathy and cooperation, shining in diplomacy and counselling. People belonging to this type group are cooperative and imaginative, often playing the role of harmonizers in their workplace or social circles. These traits make Diplomats warm, empathic and influential individuals, but also cause issues when there is a need to rely exclusively on cold rationality or make difficult decisions.

Read more about the Diplomat Role. Sentinels (Observant and Judging [ _S_J ] types, both Assertive and Turbulent variants)

Sentinels are cooperative and highly practical, embracing and creating order, security and stability wherever they go. People belonging to one of these types tend to be hard working, meticulous and traditional, and excel in logistical or administrative fields, especially those that rely on clear hierarchies and rules. These personality types stick to their plans and do not shy away from difficult tasks – however, they can also be very inflexible and reluctant to accept different points of view.

Read more about the Sentinel Role. Explorers (Observant and Prospecting [ _S_P ] types, both Assertive and Turbulent variants)

These types are the most spontaneous of all and they also share the ability to connect with their surroundings in a way that is beyond reach of other types. Explorers are utilitarian and practical, shining in situations that require quick reaction and ability to think on your feet. They are masters of tools and techniques, using them in many different ways – ranging from mastering physical tools to convincing other people. Unsurprisingly, these personality types are irreplaceable in crises, crafts and sales – however, their traits can also push them towards undertaking risky endeavors or focusing solely on sensual pleasures.

Read more about the Explorer Role. Strategies

The Strategy layer shows our preferred ways of doing things and achieving goals. There are four strategies: Confident Individualism (Introverted and Assertive [ I___-A ] types)

Read more about the Confident Individualism Strategy. People Mastery (Extraverted and Assertive [ E___-A ] types)

People Masters seek social contact and tend to have very good communication skills, feeling at ease in social events or in situations where they need to rely on or direct other people. These types are confident in their abilities and do not hesitate to express their opinions. Playing an active role in the society and knowing what makes other people tick mean a lot for People Masters; however, they are not too concerned about what other people think about them.

Read more about the People Mastery Strategy. Constant Improvement (Introverted and Turbulent [ I___-T ] types)

Read more about the Constant Improvement Strategy. Social Engagement (Extraverted and Turbulent [ E___-T ] types)

-SAKURAI

Read more about the Social Engagement Strategy. Type Table

This table shows all possible types along with their roles and strategies: Analysts Confident Individualism Architect (Assertive), Logician (Assertive) People Mastery Commander (Assertive), Debater (Assertive) Constant Improvement Architect (Turbulent), Logician (Turbulent) Social Engagement Commander (Turbulent), Debater (Turbulent) Diplomats Confident Individualism Advocate (Assertive), Mediator (Assertive) People Mastery Protagonist (Assertive), Campaigner (Assertive) Constant Improvement Advocate (Turbulent), Mediator (Turbulent) Social Engagement Protagonist (Turbulent), Campaigner (Turbulent) Sentinels Confident Individualism Logistician (Assertive), Defender (Assertive) People Mastery Executive (Assertive), Consul (Assertive) Constant Improvement Logistician (Turbulent), Defender (Turbulent) Social Engagement Executive (Turbulent), Consul (Turbulent) Explorers Confident Individualism Virtuoso (Assertive), Adventurer (Assertive) People Mastery Entrepreneur (Assertive), Entertainer (Assertive) Constant Improvement Virtuoso (Turbulent), Adventurer (Turbulent) Social Engagement Entrepreneur (Turbulent), Entertainer (Turbulent)

Posted by tom sakurai on 2018-03-19 23:08:33

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lokeanrampant · 5 years ago

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Indoctrination via Societal Influence

Had an interesting conversation recently that really got me thinking about indoctrination. Cause I HATE indoctrination. Despise it. It doesn’t matter to me if it’s in real life, in books, in video games – the media doesn’t matter, because indoctrination is frequently used to teach people to hate themselves, to not think for themselves, to adhere to a status quo with which we had no say and is a matter of tradition for tradition’s sake (which if you know anything about my blog, you know I LOATHE).

And probably no one will read this and whatever…it’s still something I need to get out and shout and rail against and just…NOT keep inside. There’s a lot about gender identity, forced gender identities and attributes, overall influence and divisiveness to cause power structures, etc. It’s a rant and it’s frustration and it’s tears and it’s pain.

And it’s sorrow.

The stereotypical gender molds – female and male separations – are divisive to me as they seem restrictive by dictating what it means to be one or the other and never the twain shall meet. Which is, if I may, BULLSHIT. What attributes of personality, interests, abilities, etc., are considered “female” or “male” by society is literally that – dictated by a society that was and still is geared toward creating division. If you can separate things, especially people, you can place one over the other. It’s not a merging of people to create a unified community; it’s a division of people to create a power structure. This particular power structure was created to elevate men over women.

Are there biological differences between the classic male and female genders? Absolutely. But there are also a fuckton of biological merging between the two. Medicine is particularly bad about this. To a degree, it makes sense – medicine is based on averages, what works for the majority of people who are similar to x, y, z genetics. That is good EXCEPT when it goes on for too long, it strangles itself and becomes restrictive. With the push for trans rights and visibility and care based on the individual rather than the “norm,” we are actually trying to steer medicine to treating what is presented, not what is textbook average. That is brilliant and what it should be as it works for everyone based on biology, not some preconceived societal dictate.

There is a reason most medications do not work for predominantly genetically female people – they weren’t tested or designed for those people. The majority of medications and procedures and hell, even warning signs for diseases, are all based around predominantly genetically male people. It’s why heart attack symptoms for women are so vastly different and missed. It’s why women miss major illnesses because the pain is less than cramps and we’ve been told for years that we’re overreacting to how painful that is and that cramps are dismissed as an inconvenience, not an actual THING. (Also, please note, anyone with a womb can have uterine cramps, because they are fucking contractions designed to push out unneeded biologic material, and genetics is a complicated and fascinating mess and variety of chromosomes - however you feel is who you are and you are VALID. Medicine is a bitch and until we get Big Pharma out of it and focus on actually healing and not money, well, it is going to continue to be a bitch. Someone tell me why my new medication is over a thousand dollars, $350 with insurance, and fucking $5 with a manufacturer coupon. WTF…if it’s $5 with a coupon, it should be FIVE DOLLARS FLAT. Assholes.)

This societal division creates self-doubt and anxiety that we aren’t male enough or female enough and it spirals into self-hate that we don’t fit. And again, I call BULLSHIT. My sister (and when I start talking gender issues, I start getting twitchy about even calling sister/brother/mother/father as they’re all gendered labels instead of parent and sibling, but ugh, that’s an issue for another day…) presented with PCOS symptoms in high school, especially hirsutism. That caused her a lot of self-doubt in how people perceive her and how she perceives herself. She’s afraid of anything that might make her look more “masculine” to people because of that, to the point she was terrified of getting a short haircut (and she looks super cute with it and she’s so much more comfortable in this heat). WTF, people? We should not be doing that to other people!

And OMG, the comments we get when we do things that are “traditionally male.” Comments from men and women. Things like demolishing, repairing, and rebuilding a deck. The fact that I burn through a pair of “gardening” gloves and hand shears yearly because they don’t make work gloves small enough for me in the local hardware stores and I don’t putter in a garden – I fucking LANDSCAPE. I move stone and gravel and till the ground and build raised beds and clear brush and brambles. Garden gloves don’t survive that shit. Doing these things should not be bad ass for a woman. These things are practical and they need to get done. My sister and I are fortunate to have a house, but we have it because we simply couldn’t afford to continue living in an apartment where the rent went up $400 every six months. Our mortgage is less than our last apartment by a significant amount. However, that also means we have to do all the upkeep and repairs because we still can’t afford large scale repairs without years of saving. It’s a constant battle.

I am the only female in a department of 16 at work. I get comments from the few other women at work regarding my hair, saying how brave I am (I am a dirty ash blonde, but currently have black and raspberry hair, super pretty, because I changed it up for a play. I wish my hair had stayed the strawberry it was when I was little. *pout*). BUT WHY THE FUCK IS THAT BRAVE? It’s HAIR. Why is it more…I don’t know, wild, I guess? Why do we have to give up something like that after some arbitrary age? That goes back to that whole millennial reblog about how we feel pressured to reach arbitrary society-dictated goals by x age and that being an adult means we have to give up certain things. FUCK THAT NOISE. I already feel that I’ve lost out on so many things because my mental health issues had me stalled for years, then I figured out who I was and got started, then mental health went down again (lovely roller coaster ride). But I’m behind. I’m so far behind on those milestones society says we should have by now, even though it’s ridiculous and we shouldn’t have to meet those milestones because they’re simply NOT APPLICABLE to today’s life. They aren’t. If you can meet them, hey, more power to you. Most of us can’t. Most of us won’t. And quite a few of us don’t care to do so because there are more important things to handle right now and giving up who we are to obtain some arbitrary approval isn’t one of them. And yet it still fucking HURTS that I feel I can never have some of those things because I was trained to believe I was only worth something if I had them.

Even then, we can only go so far because our entire system is rooted in that nonsense and we still have to play by some rules just to survive. And it’s stupid and it’s frustrating and you just want to rail at the system because it needs to be changed, but you’re just one person. Just one. And getting past the apathy of so many around you, encouraging people to speak up and gather together to present a front, to not be cowed, to not feel like their voice doesn’t matter, to make them feel like they can help make a change for the better? It’s an uphill battle. People don’t want to get involved. Sure, a lot of them believe in better ideas and ideals, but we’ve been trained to accept, not to fight. (Somehow, I always come back to activism for a better world. I’d say sorry, but I’m not, not really.)

ANYWAY, back to gender identity.

What gender SHOULD be is what each individual chooses to be.

What society has made it is something else entirely. There are these societal molds into female and male traits, where you are one or the other. You’re not supposed to like or do these things if you’re the opposite one. And it’s created this schism where it’s so damned fucking unhealthy. It created toxic masculinity that says males can’t be emotional or seek aid. It’s created this hyper-femininity where women truly believe they need a man to do things. And it’s not wrong to want a man to do things, either around the house or for you or whatever. It’s not wrong to want ANYONE, ANY IDENTITY, to help you do something, whether that something is emotional or physical. But it IS WRONG for society to dictate that those are NECESSARY THINGS BECAUSE OF YOUR SOCIETY-IMPOSED GENDER. What YOU choose is what YOU choose. That is what feminism is, that is what humanism is – the ability to choose for yourself what feels best to you, with the caveat of “so long as it harm none.”

So yes, I feel female. My version of female, because I personally don’t feel nb, though who knows, that may change as I get older. And she plays video games, both violent and not. She not only gardens, but uses some damned fun and effective power gardening tools (seriously, y’all…alligator loppers are AMAZING – mini-gardening chainsaw that is brilliant for removing brush) AND landscapes with masonry, gravel, pavers, stones, and retaining walls and building raised beds. She cooks, she cares, she loves (even if it’s not returned or wanted), she fights, she protects. Even if her hands aren’t pretty or elegant, they are her mother’s hands – hands that can comfort; hands that can create life or if necessary, take it away to prevent suffering; hands that create as well as destroy. Even if she doesn’t matter, now or ever, in the grand scheme of things, she is fire, an element of change, destruction, and creation.

I was taught to hate everything about who I was from a very young age. I was trained to believe I was only worth something through the male lens…and I was never, ever, good enough. I just want people to NOT have to feel that, to not be taught that. I want people to be able to be who they are, whoever that is, without society telling them they are inherently wrong simply for existing. I know I don’t fit anywhere. I don’t fit mainstream. Hell, I don’t fit in the outliers. I’m not LGBT enough to fit there, either, as I have been pushed away from there on multiple occasions for not being enough.

But I don’t want that for others. I’m used to being alone and out the outside, but it’s a hard road to walk and live.

#personal rant #indoctrination #societal influences #fuck that noise #your gender is your gender #who you are is who you are #how about some healthy attributes that are good for everyone #how about that?#could we maybe start doing that a tiny bit more?#fuck society #i either need to watch it all burn #or go live as a hermit #or maybe i just won't wake up tomorrow and this will be pointless anyway

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colorisbyshe · 7 years ago

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i think the thing with that post (and that person's responses on their own blog) is like... i think ppl have a warped idea of what romance/dates are supposed to look like bc they see it in the media and are like buying flowers AND fancy dinner #cantrelate... so if my partner and i make plans to try a new brunch recipe at home saturday morning and then i get dressed up and go out to a hot new restaurant with my bff for dinner which of the 2 is the Real Date TM

Exactly! Especially with our generation being resoundingly broke and also... disinterested in a lot of ~capitalistic milestones.... so the nuclear family/cw dating scheme you’ve seen on tv just isn’t realistic or how most people are working (not to mention, again, it’s very culturally White and culturally Western).

I know couples completely disinterested in doing anything more than movies and dinner that cost like than $15 each. And I have stayed with friends at their family vacation spots and gone to fancy broadway shows and all this shit.

I’ve brought this up before but I think a lot of ppl deep in mogai/QPR hell think romance/friendship work like this:

Once you reach a certain threshold in friendship, you are in a romantic relationship.

When actually it works more like this:

Romance is HEAVILY invested in a platonic base. And the only ~universal difference between romantic relationships is... that both people have agreed to call it romantic and both people experience romantic feelings for each other. Everything else is subjective. Some people define romance by friendship + sexual wants. Some people have things they’d only do with friends and not with lovers. Some people have things they’d do with lovers and not with friends.

Sometimes the difference is passion or priority. “My romantic partner is the most important person in my life.” And... sometimes that’s not true. The person your bff is casually dating is a romantic relationship but they might value you more than them.

Romantic and platonic boundaries vary from person to person.

And it’s entirely subjective and often hard to untangle. “Do I have romantic feelings for this girl or am I just really jazzed that she likes the same band as me and I’m just overwhelmed by positive emotions at the moment?” “Do I wanna date him or is he just really hot?” “Are we better off as friends or is being lovers better for us?”

EVERYONE deviates from the cultural norms you think define romance and friendship. Maybe not to the same extent. But... the cultural norms you see are contradictory, strict and liberal at the same time, and impossible to live up to. As more and more people in our generation shun things like marriage and end up living with their friends for years upon years upon years... you’re even less special than you think you are.

Mainstream culture is finally taking issue with the ideals of romance set before us. Getting married to your first love is now something sneered at as immature and rushing it as much as it is idolized and seen as endearing. Casual sexual intimacy is between pals is seen as both chill and whatever as well as shamed. Like...

Romance and platonic relationships are arbitrary. Creating special labels on how you deviate from them is ridiculous. Because then we all deserve special labels.

That’s not what labels are for. Labels are backed up by social capital and specific institutional politics. Not just validation and a complete lack of awareness towards the rest of the world.

#ace discourse #QPR #Anonymous

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smartworkingpackage · 8 years ago

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Podcast: Tiago Forte’s Approach to Productivity

The Taking Note podcast is back and moving from a monthly to a bi-weekly schedule! For this episode and the next, we were pleased to invite productivity consultant Tiago Forte down to Evernote HQ for a two-part interview. Check out Part 1 now:

Taking Note: Episode 5

Length: 22 minutes iTunes | SoundCloud | Google Play | MP3 | RSS

You may recognize Tiago’s name from his guest posts for the Evernote blog, in which he’s argued for a brain-based approach to creative workflows and changing the productivity curve of our work days. More recently, he’s launched “Building a Second Brain,” a productivity boot camp for personal knowledge management.

Highlights of our conversation are transcribed below. To hear the complete interview and subscribe to future episodes of “Taking Note,” head over to iTunes, SoundCloud, or Google Play.

Let’s talk about the modern workforce. We all live in this giant paradox. We’ve got access to endless information and we’ve got more flexible ways to work than every before, but at the same time, we’ve got so many inputs. Our days are fractured. We’re frustrated. We’re burning out. And to add a paradox on top of a paradox, we’ve got this seemingly endless series of solutions which are presented to us, prescriptions and methods for productivity. What’s your solution to this problem?

It’s just what you said. I mean, with great freedom comes great responsibility, right? It’s like we’re kids getting out of school, just throwing off our backpacks, “We’re free. We can work anytime, anywhere, on any device.” But then, summer vacation starts and we realize we’re kind of bored or frustrated or stressed because all the structure that is there in the workplace is gone.

And I kind of have a theory about this. I call it the rise of the freelance generalist. Freelancing has been around a long time, but almost by definition you had to be a specialist. You had to be a very niche, focused specialist because that was the only way that you had skills that could be monetized easily enough that you could do away with the organization. And that kind of provided its own structure. You’d wake up in the morning and know that you were doing copywriting, you were doing coding, you were doing design. It was pretty straightforward.

Now, I think technology is reaching an inflection point where it’s easy to use enough, cheap enough, seamless enough, frictionless enough, that you can be a generalist, which is what I consider myself to be, and make a living as a freelancer using these tools.

Are there solutions out there that you find are counterproductive?

Yes, there are. In particular, the trend with deep work. I’m opposed.

You know, I get it. People are feeling frazzled and just scatterbrained and all these things. But I really think this idea that you’re sort of this monastic knowledge worker, that you’re going to enter your chambers and just think deeply for hours and hours and hours on end, is a holdover from that freelance specialist mindset. And following up on that idea of a generalist as a freelancer, to do that effectively you need a portfolio. You can’t have just one narrow skill that you do.

You need a portfolio. You can’t have just one narrow skill that you do.

And this is kind of how I think now. I have free products — like my blog I write for free for lead generation — but then I have other things that are not free, like online courses. Then I have consulting and corporate training for companies, but also one-on-one coaching for consumers. So it’s like I’m constantly managing this portfolio of products and services. Some are passive, some are active.

What that requires is not this kind of intense mono-focus. It requires being very skilled and fluid with switching between things. Multi-tasking is not going away. That’s not a disease or a plague. It’s just the way the world is going. We can either fight it and treat it like a threat, or we can get better at it.

You wrote a guest piece for the Evernote blog not too long ago where you got into some of these topics. You argued that since our days are filled with these interruptions constantly, and those interruptions do make it harder to deliver value from our work, maybe instead of trying to alter the shape of our days, we should try to alter the shape of our value curves and deliver more value in smaller pieces throughout the day.

That post came from a lot of research I’d been doing on the history of productivity, specifically manufacturing. And it’s kind of amazing being here in Silicon Valley that we have this breathless fascination with technology and the future, which is great, but a side effect of that is we ignore history.

If you look at the history of manufacturing, one of the great, great insights that took decades and decades to discover was small batches, right? That was one of the key breakthroughs to better quality, to speed, to more throughput, to more profitability in manufacturing. And then you go to knowledge work and you have the deep work thing, which is another way of saying big batch sizes. Deep work, spending hours and hours in deep flow, is a big batch size. So it’s like we’ve completely gone against decades of experience in manufacturing.

But, like with the example of Toyota developing this entire culture around it, using small batch sizes requires skill, and requires a different way of thinking and doing things.

So with the question of changing the value curve, I always kind of come back to this idea that there’s no inherent structure to work. Work has no inherent unit. We make units; we make tasks, and projects, and milestones, and goals. But nothing about those is inherent in the nature of work. So that’s a little scary because it’s all arbitrary, but it’s also an opportunity because it means we can use whatever units we want.

There’s no inherent structure to work. Work has no inherent unit. We make units. But nothing about those is inherent in the nature of work.

Say, the word “project.” That word comes with baggage. All these ideas about how big should a project be, how long should it last, how much money should it make, how many people should be on a project? I almost like using different words. I have this one word “intermediate packet.” Instead of “deliverable,” I say an intermediate packet. Try to finish every working session, whether it’s 15 minutes or 8 hours, with an intermediate packet that you expose to the world; that you get some sort of feedback on.

I look at my to-do lists and I’m kind of overwhelmed by that. I don’t even necessarily get 25 minutes free because there are meetings and there are requests, and there are emails, and it’s all coming in constantly. Is there any way to get past that sense of overwhelm?

There is, and this is starting to get into the particular philosophy I have around using Evernote, actually. This is my main project these days, is an online course called “Building a Second Brain,” that’s actually a virtual boot camp because it’s not self-paced, take whenever you want, however you want. It’s five weeks, really intense, two meetings per week, and live video conferences. And essentially, it’s an end-to-end personal knowledge management system.

PKM, personal knowledge management, is related to PIM, personal information management. It’s basically making use of the knowledge that you gain on a personal level. Knowledge management, traditionally, has been organizations. When an employee walked out the door, all the knowledge that person had gained would go with them. So for years now, organizations have been trying to capture and catalog and use the knowledge of their employees.

Well, now if you look at the research, employee tenure is at, I think, 2.3 years. We spend a couple of years at a company. We do a few projects, a certain number of projects, and we’re gone. We need a better way to take knowledge with us. Not proprietary, confidential stuff, but actually just the insights and the breakthroughs and the learnings that we gained in the course of our work.

You mentioned that this plays into how you use Evernote. I know when you do the “Building a Second Brain” course and the other workshops you do, you try to structure them in a way so that they’re not tied to a particular platform or tool, but you are an Evernote user and Evernote is sort of the default example you give. So let’s talk about how you use Evernote. How is it set up? How is your personal Evernote set up?

I have this method I’ve developed called PARA, which stands for projects, areas, resources, and archives. And the inspiration from this — a little bit of historical background — is something called the OODA loop, which stands for observe, orient, decide, and act. It was developed by this guy named Colonel John Boyd starting the the ’40s or ’50s. He essentially used it to revolutionize aircraft fighter warfare. And it was basically a way of thinking about how to react dynamically to quickly changing conditions. You observe, you orient yourself, you decide on a course of action, and then you act.

It’s been an incredible inspiration for a lot of people in a lot of fields. It’s sort of underappreciated, the impact it’s had. But the thing that really sets is apart is it’s not a static way of thinking. It’s not like a flow chart — do A, do B, do C, do D. It’s loops, and then loops within loops, and then loops within those loops. Because you’re at all times intaking information, turning that into decisions, and then into actions.

And it’s the same with PARA. PARA is 4 categories, and that’s kind of the starting point. You divide your work into projects, which I’m using here the GTD definition, a series of tasks linked to an outcome.

Areas of responsibility: Some standard or area of your life that’s an ongoing concern; that you want to maintain on an ongoing basis.

Resources: Basically, interests or topics. Things like website design. For me, it’s not a particular project — not even really an area because that’s not my work — but it’s something I’m interested in that I’d like to keep track of.

And then Archives, which is anything from the previous three categories that’s no longer active, because you want to avoid clogging up your actionable categories. As soon as something is not top of mind, not front and center, you want to move it to the archives, but still keep it in case you want to go and find something there.

You have a whole workshop around applying design thinking to workflows, and to doing day-to-day work. What concepts do you draw from design thinking, and how do they apply?

Great question. Design thinking is an incredible way of thinking; an incredible movement, really, and taking place across many decades. The thing I take away the most from design thinking, especially when it comes to productivity and personal knowledge management, is just really the idea that you are a designer. Each one of us truly is a designer by nature, even if not by training. And that’s something that’s hard for people to get used to.

Each one of us truly is a designer by nature, even if not by training. And that’s something that’s hard for people to get used to.

I actually had a previous course called “Design Your Habits.” It was on habit formation. And I had to be constantly explaining to people, because they would see “Design Your Habits” and they’d go “Oh, I’m not a designer. I didn’t go to design school.” And I’d have to be like, “No, you design habits. If you’re trying to lose weight and you want to change your diet, you design this whole routine that might be around exercise, or walking, or food. And you do that, in most cases, pretty instantaneously, intuitively, and just naturally on the course of your day.”

It’s a spontaneous process, but it does involve, I think, a lot of the same steps; sort of looking around and taking stock of sort of the elements in front of you, thinking of a workflow and a process, having some sort of a feedback loop.

Yes, design thinking, getting this process that has become a profession and bringing it back to its origins, which is just the way humans think. We are designers, we make, we create, we modify, we get new information and we change, we tweak. That’s completely natural to what it means to be human.

You can hear the complete interview and subscribe to future episodes of “Taking Note” at iTunes, SoundCloud, or Google Play

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#Evernote Blog

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