#I know this sounds kinda negative as a tiny review or warning

[d-llahanspade]

Question,

Should I watch Wednesday?

I would say yes, absolutely, however you should be aware of some stuff going into it

Basically, because it’s a live action Netflix show aimed towards teens and young adults you should expect a little bit(who am I kidding, it’s a LOT imo) of cringe, especially when it comes to some of Wednesday’s dialogue and the occasional weird choice made for the supporting cast, but that’s basically expected.

Also, I should say that as much as I am a huge fan of the show and the Addams family in general, I don’t think it’s the best characterisation of Wednesday and her relationship with her family.

Gonna stop before I go full film critic rant lmao

Yes you should definitely watch it, if at least so you can engage in the fandom and get all the jokes (and why people use the word indelible so god damn much)

[mcheang]

Lila’s unlucky shadow

This content features a lot of Lila-bashing. Though I’m not sure if bashing=salt so I’m just gonna put bashing in the tags. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This idea came out of nowhere. It was just a thought that Plagg is the kwami of bad luck and it snowballed into this. I realize this may seem a tad OOC, but what’s fanfiction without indulgence.

Furious at Lila for Onii-Chan, (hey, she nearly caused Ladybug’s death), Adrien decides to avenge his lady. So Plagg is asked to give Lila bad luck.

The kwami is eager to be let loose. Adrien just warns Plagg not to go overboard or Lila will just soak in the pity and take advantage of his classmates. (And yeah, he doesn’t want to feel guilty for requesting Plagg’s help)

Being tiny and intangible has its advantages. So while Lila is paying attention in class, she doesn’t notice Plagg hiding behind her head. Because’s he’s intangible, he doesn’t even mess up her hair...at first. Basically this is how Plagg always curses Lila. He does this several times, even more than Adrien’s request should have caused, as you will soon see.

1. Lila is stuck with Chloe as a project partner for the duration of the class. True to form, Chloe refuses to work her share. And since Sabrina promises that Lila is supposedly a bright student and super friendly/tame, Lila can’t exactly stand up for herself. Everyone else is too busy to notice Lila. So she grits her teeth and completes the assignment, determined to get back at Chloe. However, when she reports on Chloe, everyone else gives her pity but don’t make a big fuss, they’ve all been bullied by Chloe and just share stories. Caline just asks Lila to be the bigger person.

2. Puberty has been kind to Lila. Not anymore. Pimples and body odour make themselves known. People don’t really want to be around Lila. Deodorant doesn’t seem effective and when Lila asks Adrien for advice, he says he can’t help her because his facials use cinnamon. (When Marinette made cinnamon rolls, Lila smacked it out of her hands and claimed to be deathly allergic hence her overreaction)

3. Bad hair day...or should I say days? Plagg also may or may not have thrown spit balls into the back of Lila’s head. Only they weren’t made of paper. Nope. Plagg is a cat and he coughs up hair balls. Yeah...these are easily combed out but they give Lila’s hair an oily texture and make the strands limp (remember Snape?) She thought there were dust bunnies.

Once Lady Noire detransforms, Marinette bribes Plagg with cheese treats from the bakery if he will haunt Lila. Plagg is just so happy people want him to cause chaos. Plagg promises this deal will remain between them, just like he promised Adrien.

1. Lila is haunted at night. Plagg only has to be there once but his power causes it so that whenever Lila is ready for bed, the lights always switch off, it sounds like there are claws on the windows, something scurrying on the floor, her closet door creaking, and why do her feet feel clammy? Lila is plagued with nightmares. She is too tired to even take advantage of her class’ sympathy.

2. While spending time with her Mother (something Lila cherishes), Lila accidentally trips on the stairs and twists her ankle. She is confined to the hospital. She has an incompetent nurse looking after her. So when her friends visit, Lila is too overdosed on anesthetic to take advantage of the situation. When Lila is released, the most logical solution would be to sit in front. But then Chloe would never move. And Lila does not want to be the new Sabrina. Adrien makes it clear he and Nino are a package deal, and Lila hates Marinette. So Lila insists walking will speed her recovery. When Adrien says Plagg was kinda harsh with the broken bone, Plagg rolls his eyes and says the girl exaggerated. Lila threw such a tantrum she got rushed to the hospital over a sprained ankle. Adrien’s response: oh...never mind, keep up the good work. Marinette already suspected Lila faked her injury because she herself had a broken ankle and Lila’s bandaged ankle in a boot should have been a cast.

3. The Césaire twins got gum in Lila’s hair and try to help by snipping it off. Lila can’t stop them in time because her hands are tied with cleaning the dishes. Lila has to go to a real hairdresser who says all her hair has to go. Lila ends up with a pixie cut, and she does not rock it.

When Marinette was nearly akumatized, Tikki asks Plagg for the same favour, bribing him with cheese danishes, guilt tripping him about Kwami Buster, and using the pity plot by confessing she was so scared inside the akuma purse. Plagg falls for it, and also because he doesn’t like Tikki glaring at him. He also doesn’t mention to Tikki that Adrien and Marinette also got him to do this because....well...CAMEMBERT. Yeah...Plagg goes on such a crazy cheese fest that it is a wonder how he hasn’t gained an ounce of fat or gathered Adrien’a notice, though Lila’s body odour has started to remind Adrien of the stinky cheese, not exactly but close enough. Perhaps Lila has developed a liking for blue cheese?

1. Lila’s experience as a model is painful. Not at first, though. She is given hair extensions and lots of makeup. Her appearance is airbrushed. But then Lila gets bad reviews for her first model shoot and Adrien’s fans target her with harsh emails. Adrien has to play nice so he tells her to ignore it, that’s what he usually does. Natalie isn’t sympathetic. “You want to be a model, you need to learn to accept that there will be people who hate you.” When her classmates suggest she filter her email, Lila starts getting hate mail and is bullied at home because Dupont is too protected. Mrs Rossi is concerned and decides to end Lila’s model career since her baby is so distressed. Adrien is thrilled and gives Plagg a gigantic round of Camembert. (Credit for inspiration goes to @coke-and-candy I believe there was a follow up fic about negative critics but I couldn’t find it)

2. Lila claims to have gotten backstage passes to Jagged’s concert. Alya is happy because Marinette got them the same passes for herself, Alya, Adrien and Nino. Lila fake smiles. On the day of the concert, Lila fakes an injury and begs Alya not to tell Jagged because she doesn’t want to worry him. Alya keeps her word but Lila nearly cracked a tooth when the newspapers published a photo of Jagged presenting Marinette as his new personal designer. No matter what lies Lila spins, celebrity or injury-related, people just keep raving about Marinette.

3. Plagg visits her wardrobe and wrecks everything. Lila is flabbergasted but the claw marks suggest a wild animal got in. She isn’t totally wrong. Plagg invited some animals to make a mess of the girl’s room. Lila doesn’t want the class to volunteer to clean up her room, on the off chance her Mother shows up. But she does mentioned how she donated her entire wardrobe to charity. Chloe overheard and decides to be nice in front of Adrien. She dumps designer rejects on Lila. Of course, Lila doesn’t know that. Marinette does tell Alya, but Adrien pretends to care for Chloe’s improvements and comments that Lila seems to like them anyway.

When Lila rifles through Adrien’s locker and throws away the Camembert, Plagg narrows his eyes. “Alright, Liar, no more games, this is WAR!” (I was having trouble imagining what could anger Plagg even further. Credit for inspiration to the fanfiction Camembert Ice Cream by @quicksilversquared )

1. Lila starts to lose her voice and her throat hurts.

2. When Lila tries to communicate by writing, her hands undergo a seizure so she can’t pick up a pencil.

3. For some reason, the only way to cure her throat is to eat a regular diet of healthy but utterly unappetizing food. Lila has to say goodbye to junk food and sodas. Her water now tastes bitter because of the health supplements dissolved in it. Even with her voice returned, Lila can’t talk too much or she will strain her voice. It’s a shame oral presentations are over or Lila could have really used that excuse.

Plagg is satisfied. He got vengeance for 2 heroes, Sugar Cube, and most importantly himself. All this chaos has been nice, but he’s exhausted. Time for a cat nap.

(Note: needless to say, Lila won’t be causing trouble for quite some time. Plagg’s curses have only strengthened each other because...well, like calls to like. By the time Plagg’s curses run out, Marinette and Adrien would be living happily ever after, Tikki would be content, and Plagg would be munching on Camem-...hey....WHO ATE MY CHEESE TART? PLAGG!!!!!)

[botslayer]

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (2019) review (Long)

Star Wars has a place in all of our hearts, I think. This series has had literally galactic-scale highs and lows. Be it the video games, the movies, the comics, the novels, what have you, Star Wars is one of, if not THE biggest sci-fi universe in the world and one of the most important in all of nerd culture. After the controversial madness that was EVERYTHING about The Last Jedi, I felt the need to see this one. How does this new Trilogy end? Is it any good? Well, let's dig in. 1. Technical aspects The movie looks good for the most part. It's a lot of good CGI and descent puppetry, a lot of explosions, and a lot of color. All the places that the movie goes do feel genuinely unique to one another, so points there, I guess. But it has some serious issues with the editing. The editing is god awful for most of the movie, the camera flips around too much, I think. I don't want constant tracking shots but they keep jump-cutting all over rooms and very suddenly for scene transitions. There are a fair amount of wipes but only one scene transition actually stood out to me at the very start of the movie, everything else was kinda dull. This has to be addressed, Carrie Fisher is still in this movie. What they did was cut snippets of her head out of unused footage from Force Awakens and Last Jedi, then put it relatively well over the face of a body double. This allows her to exist in the movie but it isn't good. From an ethical standpoint and from how it affects the flow of her scenes. Her tone of voice doesn't feel right for any of the scenes she's in and her answers to what people say are usually just kinda weird, as well as what people say whilst responding to her. 2. Acting and characters (very lite Spoilers) The acting in the movie is okay generally. It's nothing to write home about though. It's solid and generally does the job but the characters themselves are a different story. One problem is that the movie introduces a shit ton of them, including but not limited too, (Spoiler warnings for this paragraph), Zorii Bliss, An old Spice running friend of Poe's who is trying to ape a Mandalorian (Like the society) vibe in the look of her outfit but doesn't do it well. Babu Frik, her tiny alien boss and a surprisingly tech-savvy little so-and-so. D-O, a small droid consisting of a cone head and a single wheel, voiced by JJ Abrahms. And Jannah, who like Finn, is a rogue Stormtrooper from the first order. Everyone and everything else introduced are just more generals for the "Final order" (A rebranding of the First Order) and a bunch of background aliens and stuff for the resistance. The main problem with these characters is none of them have time to develop because of how many are introduced. They try with Zorii, bless them, but her scenes are too short so her character doesn't "Develop" it just starts at one point and changes at the drop of a hat. And the returning Characters honestly aren't handled great either. Rey is okay for the most part, but Finn contributed just about nothing, Poe wasn't worth much more than a ride between planets, Kylo Ren goes back to wearing his old helmet for some reason and again, seems to change without much provocation. Leia's death is weird and kinda pointless, although I'm happy they won't do what they did again. The only consistently good, solid characters in the movie were the droids (Especially C3PO) and Chewbacca. Characters with very few lines or who literally cannot speak. That's such a weird thing to say, honestly. 3. Plot and thoughts as we go (Heavy Spoilers) A transmission has gone all across the galaxy, Emperor Palpatine lives. Kylo Ren is hunting for a "Sith Wayfinder" and Rey is training under Leia to become a better Jedi. Kylo finds the Wayfinder and goes to a sort of hidden Sith planet whereon he meets Palpatine, here it is revealed that Snoke was a clone made by Palpatine's servants, "The Nights of Ren" and that Palpatine was "Every voice Kylo heard in his head." (Not too subtle change into Darth Vader's voice as he speaks.) Kylo and Palpatine have a short exchange where the younger pledges both his and the First Order's services to him, in exchange, Palpatine will add a whole new fleet of Star Destroyers to them. Star Destroyers he literally just summons up from the ground. Hangar bay doors don't open, these things just slam up from the ground like titans of myth rising from ancient slumbers. And while that might sound cool, it comes with a lot of issues. For starters: Who made these things? The Knights of Ren? How old is that organization, then? How old are these ships? Why don't they have hangar doors overhead? Hell, we learn later that these things will bolster first Order forces by "Ten thousandfold." How many of these things are there? How many ships does the First Order (Now "The Final Order") have at this point? Anyway, back with the resistance. After a cameo by the best fictional game in the series, Holochess, we find that they're getting information from an ally I never caught the name of, flanked by some sort of weird alien on the ship who's apparently on a first name basis with Finn and Poe. We also learn the Final Order has a spy and a decent chase scene ensues. All well and good, but all this and the conspicuous lack of porgs makes me wonder how much time has actually passed between this movie and Last Jedi. Especially when we cut back to Rey who is trying to hear the voices of past Jedi but just realizes she can't and immediately drops the meditation in favor of running a training course. She ends up getting distracted while running it and accidentally drops a tree on BB8. She says to Leia that she will one day earn the right to use Luke's lightsaber... But it broke in the last movie. Again, can we please get a time stamp? Poe, Finn, Chewbacca, and their crew return, whereupon there's a kind of funny back and forth about what Rey did to BB8 and what Poe did to the Falcon during the chase. The highlight of which is "At least BB8 isn't on fire!" "What's left of him isn't!" During this breif stop, we learn that The Final Order is broadcasting their plans, in sixteen hours they will lay waste to entire worlds because as it turns out, the new ships that Palpatine gave them all have planet-destroying laser weapons on the bottom. A Fleet of Star Destroyers, each with Death Star-grade power. That's definitely upping the anti, I suppose. During this, we also learn that the "Wayfinder" Kylo went after is important because its the only way to find the planet Palpatine is holed up on, a world called "Exegol," you won't find it on any other maps. So the crew goes on a quest to find a man in service to the Sith, a bloke named "Ochi" who was last spotted on a planet called "Pasaana" because for some reason, Luke and Lando Calrissian were tracking him. The movie doesn't explain why they were after him, nor why they seemed to abandon the search. (Or when any of that happened, for that matter.) Our heroes journey to Pasaana where, as it turns out, there's a festival happening. One that celebrates family and ancestry. Cue the best comic relief in the movie, C3PO, as when Poe expresses that he isn't psyched about working with a crowd of people all around him, C3PO expresses elation, "We are very lucky, it only comes once every Forty-Two years--" Etc. Honestly, C3PO is the best part of the movie. As the resistance crew goes about the Festival, Rye gets a necklace from a local who asks for her family name, not just her given, but Rey just says she doens't have a family name. Kylo contacts Rey with their weird psychic bond they had in Last Jedi, and they have an interesting exchange about the last movie and her wanting to take his hand at the end but deciding against it, and how when he offers it this time, she will take it. He steals the necklace Rey got from off her throat because as established in TLJ, he can do stuff like that. He has Final Order members analyze the necklace and learns of the planet Rey and her cohorts are on while they gad about the festival looking for any sort of clues or leads. They end up getting found by Final Order Troopers, but saved by Lando, apparently, Leia told him where they were. They mention the resistance could use his help, but he just says that his flying days are behind him before he sends them off. The gang is followed by Final Order troopers, resulting in a chase scene, one I quite like. The Final Order has jet troopers now, and the crew basically just have their sidearms as weapons, having stolen vehicles from the locals. It's a very intense action scene, even when the crew crashes into "Not-quite-quicksand." Everyone starts sinking in and Finn says he's always wanted to tell Rey something. What it is goes unanswered as he sinks down. The lot of them have fallen into a cavern of some sort. They explore the cave until they find two things, Ochi's land cruiser, and Ochi, who as it turns out is long dead, nothing more than bones and whatever he had on him at the time. Rey digs through his body and finds a scary-looking dagger that has most definitely been used for some less than savory deeds, Rey sensing the negative force energy off it. 3PO tells them that the inscriptions all over the dagger are in Sith Runic. He CAN translate it, but he can't say it aloud. It has to do with Old Republic regulations on translation modules. They keep the dagger, at least. There's also a giant serpent, one the cast calm into letting Rey get close, whereupon we learn she has the ability to force-heal injuries. The snake lets them out and she explains that it's basically channeling some of her own life force into whatever she's healing, and when she sees Ochi's ship, she's unnerved. She knows it from the day her parents left her. Some true madness begins to unfold as Kylo shows up in his ship and Rey cuts one of the wings off, forcing it to crash. Chewbacca is captured and ostensibly killed accidentally by Rey because she summons force lightning and blows his transport's engines. There's another brief exchange with Kylo about him seeing the lightning for real, thus her capacity for darkness, before Finn and Poe tell her they NEED to leave. They do and Kylo radios for pick up as the Final Order literally toes the Millenium Falcon into a Star Destroyer. It is here we learn that Kylo knows about the spy in their ranks and that Chewbacca survived. While they waddle about in Ochi's ship, thinking of a plan, C-3PO reveals that there IS a way to get a translation out of him. Essentially they need to do a factory reset. This means 3PO will lose all memories of his friends and life. But what is that compared to a galaxy dominated by fear? Poe knows the man for the job, trouble is they need to go to a world called "Kijimi" where Poe made a booboo before joining the resistance. But again, literal planets worth of lives are at stake, so he swallows his lack of pride and they go. A not bad tracking shot of Poe creeping around the streets and finding it crawling with Final Order troopers later, his mistake comes up to him. Both her pistols drawn, and one to his head. We learn that "Zorii" and Poe's old outfit were spice runners, and their old friend "Babu Frik" is the guy they'll need to crack 3PO's head open. Babu only sees people who are part of the crew, which Poe no longer is. They eventually convince her and the other spice runners to let them in. There's a genuinely heart-wrenching moment where 3PO goes completely silent before the process gets going and he says he's just taking one last look at his friends. Meanwhile, we see Poe and Zorii on top of a building, Poe mentions how no one came after the last movie, their distress call was for nothing. Way to invalidate the most controversial movie in the series, you dolts. Also, Zorii seems to have changed for no reason. She went from not wanting to look in Poe's general direction to inviting him out to her new life as a farmer on some rock at the fringes of the galaxy. Poe turns her down because he has a war to fight, whether or not he wins. She gives him a First Order Captain's badge, which would allow docking in any Final Order ship or planet because the rebranding is only so recent, I guess. C-3PO gets rebooted and the crew learns what the inscription on the dagger means, but again, the cost is 3PO's memory. He reboots and introduces himself as "C-3PO, human-cyborg relations, who are you?" Babu introduces himself and Rey fixes the wheel on a robot found on Ochi's ship, a little cone head thing we don't learn the name of until about an hour later, "D-O." At about this point, Rey realizes what's in orbit just overhead, Kylo's flagship... And Chewbacca inside. The crew boards the ship to free Chewy and get the Falcon back, along the way, Rey mind tricks a couple of troopers, the crew shoots a few dead, and then she goes off on her own, trying to find something. Her scenes on the flagship are pretty awesome, as she enters Kylo Ren's quarters and starts not only talking to him again but also fights him. This leads to some very interesting cinematography, a fight where when they accidentally break things in their respective locations, they appear in front of the other, so for example, Kylo is in the streets of the city the crew was in, specifically a market in it. He cuts open a pot full of berries/nuts and they all appear on the ground in his chamber while Rey is fighting him. It's pretty impressive. During the fight, we also learn A. the real reason Rey's parents sold her: Protecting her from her grandfather. B. Who this grandfather is. The Emperor. Rey is seriously Palpatine's granddaughter. C. Rey's parents died protecting her. Kylo learns she's in his quarters when she accidentally destroys a podium, on which was resting Darth Vader's semi-melted helmet. From there, it all spirals out, Ren has them lock down the ship, Rey snags the dagger and Chewy's gear, Chewy, Finn, and Poe are caught, only to find out that general Hux is the spy who saves them When his motives are questioned, Hux says he doesn't care if the resistance wins. He wants Kylo to lose. Rey and Kylo have one more confrontation before the falcon shows up and Rey literally leaps into space to get on the entrance to the falcon. Where Finn is. Audibly screaming at her. Y'all can say what you want about a downward bombing in space probably not working very well in Last Jedi, but this is a whole new level of bullshit. Rey leams OUT OF A RAY SHIELD into the vacuum of space. I don't care that Leia survived being out way longer in TLJ, at least she wasn't audibly saying things as she went, at least it felt like she was in space instead of just a big random fall. Also worth noting, to ver their escape, they blast the bad guys with the Falcon's engine trails, this burns or knocks back all the Troopers but Kylo, who is standing roughly the same distance as at least two of them, and Rey, who is closer than ANY of them are unaffected. This one moment is more agitating to me than most of The Last Jedi, honestly. There's Wardian grade plot armor, and then there's this. The crew gets away and Hux is killed by another general because he figured out that Hux was the spy, they end up at another planet because of the inscription and the Falcon crashes, drawing the attention of "Jannah" and her random tribe of people. They resolve to fix the Falcon while waiting for the water to calm, something they at once have zero choice or time for. Turns out the Sith Wayfinder is on a hunk of the second Deathstar. Rant to come. While waiting for the water to calm and repairing the Falcon, we learn Janna is a rogue Storm Trooper, just like Finn. Her entire company was meant to open fire on civilians, but ALL OF THEM refused. Finn mentions he didn't think there were others but I have to question where Jannah's entire unit gets off doing that. How did all of them fight their programming? Moving on, BB8 raises a concern, he hasn't seen Rey in a while. Turns out she stole the rogue trooper's sea skimmer and rides the waves JUST right, so she can make it to the chunk of Deathstar. I was never big into the idea that Rey was a Mary Sue until this happened. I was willing to write everything else off up to this point but NO. She has NEVER used something like this. She spent most of her damn life on a planet with NO water and no point actually drove anything like this save for the land boat she stole from the natives during the festival but even then, it didn't have the quirks this thing had (It's a repurposed ship of some sort, she needs to constantly raise and lower an arm of the ship to reduce drag, I suppose.) I know this seems like the most random thing to officially stand in that camp, but what's that old saying about straws and camel's backs? Rey goes to the shard of the Deathstar and starts exploring, it's full of old classic Storm Trooper outfits, mostly helmets. She goes to the Emperor's old throne room and through an old door, she ends up in a kind of trippy, maze-like space until she finds the Wayfinder and faces a seemingly Sithified version of herself with a dark robe and a collapsable double-sided lightsaber. This version of her fights her for all of four seconds and is never seen again because normal Rey flees out of the room and into Kylo Ren's waiting gaze. Now, my question is WHY would Palpatine keep one of these things on the Deathstar 2? In case he wanted to go to Exegol? Why not keep it in a more remote location than about thirty feet to your left? It's an ancient Sith artifact, you'd figure he'd be more protective of it. But nooo. So Kylo breaks the Wayfinder Rey found, wasting all of our time, before engaging in a lightsaber fight on the outside of the ruins. Finn and Jannah catch up to see this but can't do anything, partly because if they don't hug the ground, the turbulent water below will likely send a wave up just high enough to knock them into the ocean, Rey and Kylo, however, are clear I guess because they have higher ground away from the tides, they still get sprayed a lot. The fight ends with Leia dying from using what's left of her energy to reach her son, Rey stabbing and then healing Kylo before she leaves in his ship. The crew, save for Rey, and Jannah's rogues join up with the rest of the resistance where they find out what happened, and Chewbacca loses it. The Wookie collapses to his knees and starts screaming and wailing, beating into the ground, etc. He's lost all his human friends, 3PO's mind is wiped, the only things left from the good old days are R2 and the Falcon. This is a genuinely harrowing moment for longtime fans, I think. Meanwhile, Rose Tico shows up for the second time this entire movie, the first time being her explaining why she can't go with, she has lines that could have been given to almost any rando in the resistance which is honestly a shame. Then we cut to Ahch-To, The planet Luke exiled himself to in Force Awakens and TLJ, to find Rey burning Kylo's ship and very nearly, Luke's lightsaber. Luke's ghost shows up, catching the saber, and giving her a pep talk, telling her he knows now that exiling himself was stupid and that she needs to face the darkness in herself and the galaxy head-on. That delusion she saw getting her Wayfinder wasn't the first, she's seen herself ruling at Kylo's side as the empress, but given Luke's Pep talk, him showing her a spare lightsaber that used to belong to Leia, and the fact that Kylo had HIS Wayfinder in his spare ship, Rey agrees to continue fighting the good fight. But how will she leave the planet? Luke's force ghost raises Red five from the ocean. I'm not kidding, he literally just force lifts it with some show-offy joy. That thing has been waterlogged for how long? Even assuming Rey could fix it, where the hell is she getting fuel for it? Back with Kylo, we see him gawking out over the sea, a familiar old voice starts talking to him. Han Solo's ghost shows up and they start having a heart to heart oddly reminiscent of the one they had in Force Awakens. Han says he knew his son was in there somewhere, and when Ren says "Your son is dead" Han says "No, Kylo Ren is." In that spirit, I will now refer to Kylo as "Ben" for the rest of the review. Ben throws his lightsaber into the ocean and is left to his own devices by his dad's ghost. The resistance somehow knows that there are radio towers on Exegol that help the ships navigate through the constant storms and rain, Poe and Finn organize a plan, to distract the ships while a ground force attacks the tower and Chewbacca will go off and send another distress signal, allowing others to join the battle if they can. They come up with this because D-O has the plans for the ships and the like stored in his head if memory serves, and also 3PO gets his memory back, R2 had a back up, wouldn't you know it? The Resistance charges into battle against the Final Order over Exegol, And thus begins a fun clusterfuck of lasers and explosions. As one expects from this trilogy. Now, the first order has this actually brilliant moment when they realize they can shut down the tower, and start broadcasting the same helpful signals from one of the ships themselves. Which they do, this allows them to down some Resistance ships before Finn sees what's happening and has them do a ground invasion style attack ON that ship. As in they deploy troops over the top of it ON HORSEBACK. Honestly one of those things that's so loveably stupid. They end up in conflict with a bunch of troopers on top of the ship as they look for weak spots to plant bombs or the like. Rey, meanwhile, has snuck into the Emperor's hiding place, just as Ben lands on the planet. There's a lot of running around on all sides, dogfights under and around the larger ships, Ben fighting knights of Ren with just his bare hands and the Force, Rey being lured into Palpatine's grasp, Finn and Jannah's group shooting at troopers and passing ships as they look for weak spots. It would have all been fairly tense if the editing wasn't done by a coked-up squirrel. Almost nothing feels impactful in the fights, there are too many cuts in scenes largely about singular or just two characters. There are good elements to all this but I didn't care enough about most of these people. for it to mean much. Also worth noting: not much can be done. They've already lost so many pilots, soldiers, and fighters, Finn and Jannah's group haven't fulfilled their goal yet, Palpatine is giving Rey a very "Let the hate flow through you" speech about how it's all pointless and her friends are doomed, but if she kills him, and becomes the empress, the Final Order will be hers to control, she agrees for a moment, letting a bunch of the Knights of Ren and Palpatine begin ritual chanting as a horde of them look on, Poe is out of hope. Rey is about to give in and Ben is surrounded with no weapon. All hope is lost... Until Rey enters another sort of shat with Ben and gives him the lightsaber she was moments ago going to kill the Emperor with. Ben strikes down his aggressors and makes his way to Rey and the Emperor, they slaughter the knights in the immediate vicinity. While that's happening, an entire fleet of random people shows up to help the resistance. Zorri and Babu are right next to the Falcon, which contains not only Chewbacca but Lando. The fight begins anew as Finn and Jannah blow the antennae in the ship they're on and cripple the Final Order Fleet. Now all the Resistance has to do is blast the planet-killing lasers and the entire ship they're rigged up to will also be destroyed... Which makes some sense but is still a pretty massive design flaw. Down with Rey, Ben, and Palpatine, the youngsters try to strike the Emperor down, only to basically have their life forces partly fed upon. Ben goes flying down a naturally formed cave shaft, presumably to his doom. Palpatine has regenerated from the life steal thing and sits on this massive stone Sith throne just under the battle in the sky, and in a moment so absurd I was dumbstruck when it happened, sends lightning up into the sky. A massive MASSIVE pillar of it, so massive that not only does it reach the sky, but when it does, it fans out and strikes dozens, if not hundreds, of resistance ships, taking them right out of the sky. This guy is over a hundred years old, several of which he was DEAD for and for some reason now, he has power I would only be able to describe as "Godlike" for no damn reason. I forgot to mention earlier that he didn't live through being exploded in ep 6. He brought himself back to life somehow, just wrote it off as his access to the dark side. He still looked terrible though, like he was actually a corpse with rotten hands and pure white eyes and all that. But somehow, two random idiot children's life forces, nowhere near in their totality, are enough to rejuvenate him and give him power unseen by most of the deadliest Sith in all of Star Wars. Vader's apprentice from The Force Unleashed wasn't this fucking OP. The worst he did could be chalked up to gameplay, this one-man lightning storm bullshit is actually canon, though. So this creates a problem: How does Rey defeat someone with the power of a god on her own? She ignites Leia's old lightsaber from when Luke was training her and then redirects the Emperor's lightning back into his face, destroying his head. From there, the Final Order's fleet is destroyed and Finn and Jannah are rescued from a fiery death as the ship they're on starts crashing to the ground, I guess being the only surviving members of their attack squad.   Ben climbs out of the shaft and gives his life force to bring Rey back from the dead, they share a kiss and Ben dies, allowing Rey to flee in the Red Five, much to everyone's relief. There are celebrations and hints of things to come, including Lando taking Jannah with him on adventures through the stars, Rose hugging some dude who ISN'T Finn, much to Finn's annoyance, and Zorii and Poe exchanging wordless gestures. The final scene is Rey going to the old Skywalker Moisture farm to burry Luke and Leia's lightsabers just outside the house. How she knew where the farm was or why she buries them is anyone's guess. She pulls out a new lightsaber, a Yellow one. Which... Okay, I guess but where did she get it? Did she make it? How? Where? Did she just find it somewhere? How? Where? But anyway, an old woman comes walking by and mentions that the hasn't been anyone at the farm in so long and asks Rey who she is. Rey says "My name is Rey." "Rey Who?" Luke and Leia's force ghosts appear and smile at Rey. She proudly announces that she is "Rey Skywalker." And her and BB8 watch the suns over Tatooine set. The end. 4. A Nitpick? Some of these are just little things I couldn't find a good place to put elsewhere: In flashbacks, we see Luke training Leia a bit, in those scenes, her lightsaber is green. In the modern-day, for whatever reason, it's blue. I'm not sure if that's an oversight or not. Also worth asking: Where is Luke's personal saber? I did some research and he apparently reclaimed it at some point in the EU (Which is no longer canon) but even in Last Jedi, the last we see of it is him almost using it on a young Ben Solo. Where the hell did it go? 5. Conclusion I see this movie has it’s good bits but it isn't enough to make up for how shoddy the overall product is. There are too many new characters to let even the pre-established ones breathe, let alone each other, the editing was total garbage to the point where I genuinely got a headache, the plot invalidates both episodes eight AND six, while itself being kind of terrible... Nothing can kill Star Wars for me. This movie certainly tried. TL;DR: Do not watch this trash, I don't care if it's your first Star Wars film of if you're a long-time viewer, it isn't worth your time or money. Merry Christmas, everyone, and have a happy new year.  (FTR: This is something I stole from my own deviantART, I’m not plagiarizing shit, I’m just copypasting myself and adding edits if I see hiccups in the future.) 

[jungle321jungle]

Book Rants: The Storm Runner by J.C. Cervantes

Book Rants: The Storm Runner by J.C. Cervantes

Page 304 out of 426.

That’s the page I’m on as I’m writing this because I lowkey can’t stand it anymore.

What I can’t stand is The Storm Runner, by J.C. Cervantes.

I’m not gonna touch on all the representation and all of that or anything. Simply because well, I need to rant. So, if you’re looking for a spoiler free review I’ll make it short for ya: Zane exists. He has a dog. He meets a girl. He’s told not to do the thing. He does the thing. Evil dude is released. Goes on a mission to put evil dude back with girl and uncle. And uh I haven’t finished the book so I can’t say more than that right now. Anyway to the rant!

Warning this rant will be a certified mess. I’m just writing whatever comes to mind.

The first thing which pissed me off about this book, is Zane himself. Like this kid- God. So Zane is your main character and he has a limp, and he’s a godborn, and he kinda likes the girl. And he’s trying to undo everything he did.

That’s legit all I can say about his character rn that’s not negative.

So Zane, Zane, Zane’s inner voice. The monologue of the story. Is just so bad. Here’s so examples of actual lines from this book from the most recent section I read.

"It was party city!"

"If only they knew I was godborn, too. And not just related to any god, but Hurakan, the creator and destroyer!"

Like cringe? I don’t know what else I can say besides the word cringe.

Like I have seen reviews where people says Zane’s voice is Percy-esque. And what annoys me is that’s true. But only a small percent of the time. It flips between lines I just read, to bland, to boring and then you get a full on sarcastic thing and it just seems badly timed and out of place for Zane. There’s one I just read but I’m not gonna torture myself with trying to find it.

Another thing which annoyed me about Zane is how forgettable he is? Like he’s the main character that shouldn’t be possible. But like when reading this there was about a three month gap in between me putting the book down and picking it back up a few days ago. And while reading a few days ago I could remember what had happened in the last chapter but I couldn’t remember Zane’s name.

So I text my friends as I read to vent. And I literally sent: “wow i read like four chapters and i didn't realize until now when it was mentioned that i forgot mcs name”

I shouldn’t be able to forget his name.

So another thing which annoys me about Zane are his decisions and how it moves the plot. But before we even touch the plot let me touch on the other characters.

First off Brooks.

She’s the mysterious girl who’s there to help, the living expert on Maya everything. And a girl so full of secrets and depression she belongs back in 2003.

Oh and she can turn into a hawk... until she can’t.

Next up we got Hondo.

Hondo is my fav of the three. He’s Zane’s uncle and he’s there for the wild ride just because. Like I’m sure there’s a logical reason? I think it was just cause they needed someone with a car? I can’t remember it was three months ago. Actually it could be longer, cause before that last time I had set the book down for a long time too. Anyway he has the best personality. And I would pay to see him be the main character instead.

So while my favorite of the three is Hondo, my favorite character is actually Ah-Puch. Mr. Evil Dude himself. He’s more interesting than the other three combined, and I just read when broke into the Twins’ lair and all that jazz and I got so happy. To be honest I much rather watch him destroy the world than anything else.

Of course my happiness was immediately undermined as it always is with this book, but I’ll say more about that in a sec.

So the plot... Oh the plot.

I will say the plot on the whole is brutally fine. The gist is that Zane is the prophecy kid (cause we’re in the realm of Riordan) and he's supposed to be the one to free Ah-Puch and he does, because he wants his dog brought back to life. I’m not gonna go into people and love for dogs and all, but I just think a smidge more thought could be put into things? Like theres another point where the seer old lady Ms. Cab tells Zane to stay home ‘cause his house is the only place with special protective wards. And like I didn't expect him to stay there, since the story needs to happen, but it seemed like he didn’t even try to make an effort to stay in the house? It was just like welp, there’s danger and murderous creatures, but nah I need to go talk to my mom.

Like just think a tiny bit more, just a little. Please.

When Ah-Puch shows up at the twins (I’m gonna keep mentioning this part cuz it's what I just read) he was super badass and him and Muwan was super cool. Watching the Twins shake in their boots was a bit satisfying especially because something unexpected was happening. But during that Ah-Puch goes on and on talking about how the Twins are liars and this and that, but like Zane believes every word. He doesn’t even doubt the validity for half a second. This man- this super evil man who wants to destroy everything. Like look Zane may be thirteen but there's gullible and then there's ridiculous.

(Semi off topic: during this scene Brooks just kinda vanishes. She says they need to run then kinda just sits there next to half dead Hondo watching until it's time to remind Zane to run again via telepathy- oh yeah she has telepathy)

Now switching gears to my previous comment about undermining my happiness. It seems like everything I enjoy is immediately shot in the face not much later.

When Zane is doing a coin toss with the Twins, he picks the death side of the coin and the way its written and the fact that the chapter ends with this. It sounds so profound- so powerful.

Then on the next page we learn it’s a mind game the the coin is weighted so he picked the wrong side. Yes, I understand that the Twins always win and whatever and this shows that. But it felt like such a quick switch in tone, in Zane it completely dashed all happiness I just had on the page before. Ah-Puch showing up during deadly basketball is the same thing. I loved reading him swooping in and the glass shattering violently over the crowd, and I thought it wa so cool how he had done that. The Twins thought they were untouchable but then here comes Mr. Evil Dude to destroy it all. It was perfect.

Then you learn he just followed the tracking device he put on Zane.

I will admit I had forgotten about the tattoo deal thing- given my few month break- but had I read this book consistently it wouldn’t have been a surprise whatsoever. It’s super expected. Also I thought it would show just how powerful Ah-Puch is. Even not at full strength,and freshly back in the world he tracked them down and was ready to give them a slow painful death.

LOL NOPE HE FOLLOWED THE LEASH HE PUT ON ZANE.

I hope you can just feel how much I am groaning and sighing right now.

So after that Jazz shows up to save the gang and you’re like cool cool good timing whatever. I’m glad he agreed to come, but then he admits he put cameras in their clothes insert more sighs. So this guy was just watching them agree to play deadly basketball and meet Mr. Evil Ah-Puch and did nothing until the dangerous people were gone? They could’ve used some help sooner Jazz. A lot sooner.

Well, I think I got the rant mostly out of my system purely because I haven’t read the last 100 or so pages, but if you’re probably wondering why I read this book if I can’t get through without getting annoyed.

Honestly I think the whole reasoning is the fact that my boss gave it to me. She was the one who told me about Riordan Presents and gave me the book as a gift. So I think I just feel sort of pushed to finish it (and read the next one she gave me)? Regardless of if that's the reason or not that I keep reading, for some reason I am still pulled into this book?

I am driven insane by it- and yet I still read it, and I might even read the sequel ‘cause I am trash. But I think this factor is what annoys me the most overall.

I want to like this book and I want to hate it. But I can’t do either. It's the definition of a love hate relationship. And I don't think I’ll ever get out of it.

Idk if I’ll post something about the end of the book yet, it depends on how much I want to pull my hair out

Someone please kill me before I finish this thing