#I know people on meds for their mental illness and they’re still not happy cuz the secret is there is no happy pill.

[yourbleedingh3art]

Fuck fuck*stuffing comically huge duvet cover into washing machine frantically*Fuck it won’t fit

[brutal-nemesis]

Misery: my greatest joy

Idk how to structure a rant so here we go babey!!! This is just me spilling my thoughts about the book Misery by Stephen King. It’s my favorite horror book (as of now) and I feel like others in the community would like it too. Also this rant will def contain minor spoilers (and probably major ones idk what a major one consists of tho) so if you want to go in 100% blind this is me telling you it’s a great read and go do it. 

CONTENT WARNINGS (for the book): broken bones, starvation, drug addiction, needles, gore, mutilation/amputation, cauterization, a little eyeball stuff, threats of forced self-cannibalism (I don’t have the book on me so I might have missed something minor)

I’m just gonna start by saying I’ve read a decent amount of horror books, and this one feels the most like a whump fic. The basic premise is this famous writer man (Paul) gets in a car crash in rural Colorado and is rescued by a retired nurse (Annie) who’s a huge fan of his work. His most famous series about the character Misery has just ended with him killing her cuz he wanted to write other things. Our girl Annie loves the Misery series and is still in the middle of reading the last book when she rescues Paul. It’s set in like the ‘70s or something so no cell phones or anything. So when homeboy wakes up in Annie’s house, no one knows where he is.

Paul’s legs got super messed up in the accident, like his tibia & fibula just got SHATTERED and, shockingly, that hurts a lot. Paul straight up goes on for pages about how bad his legs hurt and he’s basically helpless due to this, bedridden until she gets him a wheelchair. Annie has a bunch of painkillers that she stole from hospitals she worked at, and she gives them to Paul. If he does what she wants :)

See once Annie finishes the last Misery book she gets hella pissed at Paul. Sis is very much not alright in the head, and it’s what makes her such a great whumper since she’s so clearly unhinged and hard to predict. She keeps Paul captive in her home and forces him to write another Misery book, bringing the character back to life. Paul tries to resist, but she does things like withhold pain meds or refuse to feed him, sometimes leaving him stuck in bed for days. She’s a fantastic example of a caretaker/whumper combo and it’s great because every time she punishes Paul for something, she always twists it to be his fault. She’ll do something like throw his soup at the wall and then tell him he can’t eat that night because he made her upset enough to do that. She just has this air of thinking she’s genuinely doing her best to help him and things wouldn’t hurt so much if he just did what she wanted :) I just love that kind of manipulation for some reason.

Paul isn’t super defiant, but he typically doesn’t just roll over to her right away. And even when he’s genuinely trying his best to please her, it might not be good enough and he still gets punished. He genuinely tries to escape or at least seek some kind of help, leaving the room she locks him in to at least get pain meds/food during the periods when she leaves the house to go to her “Laughing Place” for a few days (I said she was mentally ill and I meant it) or just into town.

Anyway now I wanna talk about my favorite scene and FYI it does involve amputation, cauterization, & needles/noncon drugging. Okay so she finds out that Paul’s been “out and about” while she’s been away and she gets pissed. He wakes up to her injecting him with something that makes him all sluggish. They start talking about how she knows he’s been outside the room and at some point she casually says she just gave him a “pre-op shot”. Paul just spirals at this, and basically every few lines as the keep talking the phrase “pre-op shot” keeps popping up in his thoughts and he’s like Annie please what the hell do you mean pre-op shot what are you going to do to me and she just ignores him and keeps explaining how she knows he’s been outside. She then tells him about how in some diamond mines, when workers run away and are caught, they’re hobbled so they can’t run but can still work. Paul starts feeling sooooo much dread and then she pulls out an axe and he just starts pleading with her as she calmly disinfects it and his ankle. There’s just something about the whumpee freaking the fuck out about what’s going to happen to them while the whumper is calmly preparing for whatever they’re about to do that just hits me in the exact right spot. As Annie raises the axe, she responds to Paul’s pleas with my favorite line in the entire book, “Don’t worry, I’m a trained nurse.” And then the axe falls.

I just love that line cuz it shows how she feels that he doesn’t have anything to worry about because she knows what she’s doing. He shouldn’t be concerned about losing his foot because she’ll make sure it will heal right, and this is necessary to ensure he’ll finish his work. She’s the picture of calm and detached as she cauterizes the wound with a blowtorch and he’s just horrified and sobbing. I just love how much she doesn’t realize what she’s doing is wrong and horrible even as her captive screams in pain. 

She later cuts off his thumb and (cannibalism incoming) threatens to make him eat his own severed finger which is sooo fucked up, and deeply fucked up things always manage to press my buttons. There are a lot of other horrible things she does but I don’t want to give everything away and the two amputations are high up on the severity scale. I wanted to talk about them cuz I love them and so people get a bit of a content warning. Horror books don’t really come with those which can be an oof for some people but thankfully for me the only thing that triggers/squicks me out is noncon kissing which doesn’t come up too much. 

The ending doesn’t have a whole lot of comfort but I’ll at least tell you that he does get away cuz a happy ending is never guaranteed in the horror genre, and I know that’s important to some people. There is so much more to the book that I didn’t talk about cuz I don’t want this to get too long but I could just go on...

Uhm in conclusion if you like whumpy caretaking, a whumper who is detached at times and intimate at others, long-term captivity, and enjoy gore (or at least can tolerate it) then this is the book for you thanks for coming to my TED talk (●'◡'●)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #342

“in this farewell, there’s no blood, there’s no alibi  /  ‘cuz i’ve drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies”

What’s your all-time favourite cartoon? Does anime count? In which case I'd say Fullmetal Alchemist, or the original Pokemon. If we're not including anime, then uhhhh Avatar: The Last Airbender, even though I have much more to go in the series. Have you ever taken dance lessons? What kind? Yeah, I've done a few for many years: jazz, clogging, modern, and hip hop. When did you last run and why? I literally couldn't tell you. I don't even know if I can run with the current state of my legs. My knees would probably crumple. Does your house/flat/whatever the hell you live in need cleaning? Not necessarily cleaning, but sorting. I still have boxes outside and inside my room of my stuff I need to put up somewhere... but whenever I prepare to do it, I just get so overwhelmed and shy away from it. Then there's the spare room, that's a total mess loaded with boxes and the like. Mom and I have just avoided it like the plague. Was your last relationship with a man or a woman? Woman. What do you think your next achievement will be? HOPEFULLY getting a job... Do you like mushrooms? NOOOOOOO. What dream do you remember most vividly? I'm not talking about it. Favorite kind of bread? Pumpernickel. Rabbits or hamsters? Rabbits. I've never met a nice hamster, and I just think rabbits are cuter. A movie you’ve never seen that it seems like every one else has? Harry Potter films. Favorite dog breed? I'm biased towards beagles. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, actually. Where I live, there aren't really many weighty trees with low branches. Just pine trees. Most common lie you tell? That I'm "fine" when I'm not. Ever seen your parents make out? Jc no, I'll take a hard pass there. Do you put your hair up a lot or down? It's too short to put up. Most of the time do you straighten or curl your hair? Neither. What piercing do you hate? I'm not a fan of cheek dermals at all, but you do you 100%. Were you raised in a religious house? Yes; I was raised Roman Catholic. Do your parents get mad when you're on the computer for hours? Mom used to for many years until I became an adult and she just realized it was in vain. I haven't lived with Dad since I was a teenager, but when my parents were together, he usually didn't say anything. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? No, thankfully. I'd stop talking to the person immediately. What would you do if your parent hit you? I honestly feel like I'd slap them back and get the fuck out. Or just freeze in shock and cry. What's your most common mood? Stressed but distracted. Do you like poems? Yeah, usually. Ever kissed someone half-naked? Uh yeah. Have you ever been in a parade? No. Do you still play Pokémon? I play Pokemon GO, and I've actually been tempted to get out my DS and play one of the games I have (I can't remember which). I do find Pokemon games to be VERY grind-ey, though, so I can't play them for too long without getting bored. What is your favorite Pokémon? Ninetales. I also really love Espeon, though, and Charmander will always have my heart. Is there an animal you like that most people don't? Bats! :') Is there an animal that you think is overrated in terms of how it's liked? No animal is overrated. Have you ever "quit" a site and came back to it more than once? Uhhhh I don't think so. Do you have an "odd" fascination with anything? Most would probably consider "vulture culture" to be pretty weird, being drawn to dead animals and all... What's the hardest thing you've been through, & what did you learn from it? The breakup with Jason. I learned that some people make promises they aren't afraid to break, that someone can promise "forever" and not mean it, that the most unexpected can just snap their fingers and forget about you... I learned a lot. And most things, not positive. What are three "unrealistic" things you want most? 1.) To be able to financially support myself by just freelance nature photography; 2.) sooo many different kinds of pets; and 3.) to be totally rid of my mental illnesses. Do you take any daily vitamins? No, but I would if I was the one who bought groceries and stuff. I do however take Vitamin D once a week for my legs. Who are three of your favorite fictional characters of all time? JUST THREE??????? FUCK MAN idk. Uhhh well there's of course Darkiplier and Wilford Warfstache, then uhhh probably Pyramid Head. If you had to give the world a pre-existing mythological/fictional being, what would it be? Idk, I'd really need to be more educated on their lore before I made that decision. Do you have any desire to learn (a) foreign language(s)? Which? I both do and don't want to resume learning German. I got very good at it and could have basic conversations, but lack of application has slaughtered my vocabulary. Now it's like, it'd be nice to try again, but for what purpose? I don't think I'll ever actually apply it to my life, so it just seems like it'd be a load of wasted effort. But then on the other hand, I also feel that doing something you simply want to do isn't a waste of time. Idk. What is one of your firmest beliefs? Equality for all. No race, religion, whatthefuckever makes you more or less valuable than someone else. Do you have anything that keeps you from doing something you'd truly enjoy? Oh yes. Depression and anxiety, mostly. Do you work to fix your faults? Or at least, admit to them? I definitely try, and I'll certainly admit to them. How do you hope the world will change, if at all? I just want more compassion, less violence, more understanding... What is/are your view(s) on god, religion, spirituality, or relations to? In short, I believe that something sentient created the universe, and it/they/he/she/what-have-you just... let life play out from there, I think. I like to believe there's a plane of consciousness like an afterlife that exists, but if not, I don't really care. I hope the evil get what was coming to them, and the good get back what they gave, but maybe we're all better off without life after death. We'll all find out one day. Are you arachnophobic or scared of spiders in the least? Some, yes; others, not so much. This is very situational. Do you play WoW? What do you think of it either way? Haha, you're asking an avid player. I enjoy it, but not as much as I used to. At one point I was a Heroic raider, sometimes dabbling in Mythic, but now I'm just mostly a casual mount collector that likes chatting with my guildies and just doing dailies 'n shit. I owe a lot to the game, honestly; it helped me stay occupied throughout the breakup, and still today gives me something to do. What kind of computer do you have? Windows 7/Vista/XP/Other? I have an Acer Nitro with Windows 10. Are you taking any interesting classes in school/do you not attend? I'm no longer in school. If you don't attend, are you taking any "lessons" for anything? No, but I would like to join a photography course somewhere. A book/piece that has had an exceptional impact on your life? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo just made me hate war more than I innately did. What genres of music are your favorite? Just metal as an umbrella term. Some heavy stuff, some less, some in the middle, some leaning towards other genres... but I just like metal. Do you think that fate plays a part in people's lives? No. Wouldn't "fate" just make it all... worthless? Like we're just storybook characters with a predetermined ending? What are your opinions on the media? One word: manipulative. What's a piece of technology you'd like to own? I REALLY want a PS4, especially lately. There's just a lot of games I REALLY want to play. Are you afraid of technology developing to where we're too reliant on it? We're already *too* reliant on it, which I do believe is a bad thing. I know, absolutely hysterical for me to be talking. What's your favorite odd ice cream flavor? I don't think I've ever had a truly odd ice cream flavor. There's this local place though that makes a kind that tastes JUST like s'mores, and I can fucking murder a cup of that. What's your opinion on stereotypes/labels? They're limiting and devalue uniqueness, imo. I know very, very few people who totally fit a certain stereotype, so why even bother. Like I don't care if you use them as adjectives to some extent, just don't put too much weight on them. Just be you. Do you believe that history repeats itself? It's not necessarily doomed to, but it happens sometimes, obviously. Would you rather learn from your mistakes or just undo them? Depends on the mistake. What was the most interesting class you had in school? Probably Mythology in high school. Do you write? If so, what? Yeah, meerkat role-play. And every now and again, poetry. Do you have a favorite culture? No; I'm not educated on nearly enough to pick one. Do you believe in global warming? Have you researched it? Lol no shit I do. I don't exactly think it takes much research to see with your own two eyes that it's factual. Do you prefer piercings or tattoos? Tattoos, if I had to pick. What comedy movie is your favorite? White Chicks. Have you ever meditated? Yes. Doesn't work for me. What comes to mind when you think of a great moment in your life? Realizing it was my choice to liberate myself and my happiness from my ex. He didn't and never should've carried it, because that's my right. What do you like about springtime? Aaaaall the flowers. <3 How have you handled having to stay in? It's not really different from my average day, so... How would your friends describe you? Quiet and overthinks literally everything. Have you ever hallucinated? When I was coming off a certain med in middle school, I saw black moving shadows. What (or who) is the best thing that ever happened to you? The partial hospitalization program I attended for two months following my suicide attempt. It's where I met my psychiatrist, who set my medication straight. Medicine besides though, I learned so many coping techniques and just how to deconstruct my trauma. As well as possible, anyway. What is the worst decision you ever made? Handing over the ability to make happiness for myself to another person. What is your favorite arcade game? Don't have one. Do you feel neglected? No. What school subject(s) are/were your best? English, Arts, Science. Are you allergic to pollen? Yep. What style of wedding dress do you like best? Probably ballgown. Are you over your first love? I probably never will be in complete totality. Do you always answer your phone? No. I only ever do if I recognize the number. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Today is actually my sister's birthday. What song is currently stuck in your head? I have Halocene's cover of "What I've Done" on a loop right now. It has me absolutely covered in goosebumps. Do you ever use coloring books? Not really anymore. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? Not to my knowledge, no. What’s your favorite kind of salsa/dip to go with tortilla chips? Just your normal, mildly hot salsa. Do you wash your car by hand or drive through a car wash? Mom's car hasn't been washed in... well, years, given its bumper. Mom worries that in a car wash, it'll be broken off (it is literally held on with a lot of zip ties and duct tape), and we ourselves don't want to wash it, so... Do you have any uncommon kitchen appliances, such as espresso machines, waffle irons, etc? I know we have one or two, but idk what they're called. What did your parents major/minor in in college, if they went? Dad never went to college. Mom changed her major a few times, but her latest was social work, I believe. Has either of their careers influenced what career you chose or want to pursue? Not at all. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Why is your least favorite season your least favorite? Because it's hot as fuck and humid. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? I don't know. Hopefully I'll start one soon when I leave PHP and pursue a job... What room in your home do you spend the least amount of time in? I'm always in my room. Do you do anything to reduce the amount of electricity you use? I feel awful admitting I do quite the opposite... Being in the dark during the day affects my depression, so I'll have my lamp (or both) on even if it's just sort of shaded inside. Are you usually open to trying a new food that you aren’t familiar with? Eh, it depends on the food. I'm not very adventurous with foods though. Do you listen to Panic! At The Disco? I do. Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? ... It wasn't "kinky," but it was a dream lmao. Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you couldn’t say it back? That's how I ended the whole Joel childishness. Which friend do you confide in most? My mom. Do you wear a cross? No. What is your favorite doughnut? That's so hard. :( Krispy Kreme's normal glazed though probably takes the cake. I also love chocolate frosted and just totally plain, though. Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? No. Did you read the Twilight series, or jump on the bandwagon after the movie? Neither. Do you or your parents rake your yard? Dad did growing up. Now nobody does or needs to. Who did you last go to the movies with? Dad, I think? What color was the last vehicle you were in? White. Do you have any family members in the military right now? No. Is there a ceiling fan in the room you’re in? Yeah. Have you ever heard voices? No. If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara. Do you remember the first time your first crush ever said hi to you? No. Do you ever go places with wet hair? Yeah, idc. Who is your favorite little girl? My nieces. What do you want the most in life? To feel like I made a difference, even a tiny one. If you could have anyone’s singing voice, whose would you choose? OBVIOUSLY Amy Lee's. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought that turned out to be a waste of money? *shrug* What’s something you’ve bought that turned out to be way more useful than you anticipated? Hm. Have you ever been on a ship? No. Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest) Yes. Would you rather adopt or have your own child? IF I wanted kids, which I absolutely do not, I'd rather have my own. I know I'd feel a deeper connection. What would you class as cheating on someone? As soon as you do/say something you don't want your s/o to know about, you're cheating. As far as earrings go, would you rather wear hoops or studs? Studs. Do you recycle? Yes. If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? People have thought I don't try hard enough before. Do you put a line through your "7"s? Yes. ^ What about your "Z"s? Yes. What are you most known for? My art "skill," at least irl. How do you feel about shameless self-promoting? Depends on when, where, and how. As someone who's trying to be a freelance photographer, I get that it's sadly necessary, but there are some places it's just uncalled for.

[meta-squash]

[Three old connected posts about Richey from like 2016 that I’m just going to put into one post because I’m very lazy.]

okay see the most annoying thing i’ve found so far about this book and also a fair amount of articles i’ve read that rehash richey’s disappearance is that they a) don’t seem to use common sense or think like someone who is trying to be anonymous and b) can’t seem to put themselves in the shoes of someone who is severely depressed and think the way mental illness makes you think. like this book is asking all these questions like “oh well richey was seen newport by a fan and we know he had friends in the city but no one he knew saw him so where was he sleeping the past few nights?” in his car, probably, dumbass. like someone trying to stay anonymous and/or trying not to spend too much money and/or not even thinking about things like hotels would. “why did he take cash out of the bank?” a) he was planning on buying an epensive desk b) he was going to america for 3 weeks c) even if his initial disappearance was mostly unplanned, things like running away, or suicide, or whatever, become sort of escapist fantasies when you’re in a bad mental place and when someone gets even more overwhelmed and starts seeing the fantasy more and more as an actual possibility, they start preparing for it whether or not they genuinely intend to go through with it or not. “why did he leave his passport etc in plain view? was it a clue or to throw people off?” well probably neither cuz when you’re in any sort of state of distress or just want to get out of a situation you don’t usually think about tiny details like where you’re putting the things you’ve taken out of your pockets. and when you’re dealing with severe depression/anxiety and/or a mental breakdown certain things are bound to be even less thought-out, or more erratic, or just generally like impulsive and desperate. and don’t even get me started on the “what if he had an accomplice” conspiracy theories.

okay fuck it i’m making the other post too. there’s all this speculation about like did richey kill himself or didn’t he blah blah. and again it’s just a failure on the part of the people writing to actually think like a someone going through that shit or to use common sense. like the biggest thing people talk about is the car; it was ticketed after he’d been missing nearly two weeks. but like there’s so much common sense that could explain any of that. first of all aust is/was a rest stop, meaning people come and go odd hours and stay for random amounts of time. if richey was staying there and sleeping in his car for some amount of time, it probably wouldn’t have been ticketed, since he was still physically inside the car. second the decision to disappear or kill oneself is a fucking big one. and for someone like richey who loves to think about things, it was probably important to get it all sorted in his head first, which would mean space and silence (again, sleeping in one’s car is a thing, driving around is a thing). and if he had an actual mental breakdown, then maybe his actions and decisions were even more random and erratic and then who knows, he could have just been going from place to place arbitrarily while trying to figure what to do. but making the decision takes time and thought, and his car was probably ticketed only after he’d made the final decision and walked away and had been gone a few days. in terms of no note, well if you were wanting to disappear why the hell would you leave a note? but this book and others talk about richey’s documented obsession with suicide notes. but as someone else who is personally interested in suicide notes, what i’ve noticed (which means richey probably did too) is that they never seem adequate to the living. there’s still a million ‘why’s left, and things are still unclear, they’re there for the living but if the person who would be writing has nothing to say, or feels they can’t adequately express their reasons, or feels they are a burden of some sort, or whatever, then what’s the point in writing a note? and honestly, if he killed himself, he probably wasn’t planning on his body disappearing. there was probably no thought process of “yes i’m going to jump off this bridge and the current is going to make my body disappear.” the other thing that is not mentioned in this book but the other two talk about it is that one interview where richey says he wouldn’t ever commit suicide. and like on one hand yes, that could absolutely be the truth. but on the other hand, do you really think richey (or anyone for that matter) would say in front of his friends and also a journalist “yeah, i’d commit suicide” especially only weeks after getting out of hospital? even if he was suicidal, i doubt he’d have admitted it at the time, and he’d have said no in order to keep his friends happy (especially because both he and the rest of the band noted that around that time richey’s primary goal was to be well enough to tour and to keep his friends from worrying etc). i dunno where this was going i’m just rambling i’m just annoyed at these journalists’ lack of ability to think like a person who had already been suicidal or at least severely depressed before, who had already had a breakdown before, who was under immense pressure, and who was dealing with grief on top of addiction on top of artistic pressures on top of his mental health on top of the prospect of going to a country he actively despised etc etc.

this is a continuation of my annoyance that was expressed in these two posts but i was just thinking about it again

like the people writing articles and books and stuff are freaking out about richey leaving his medication behind but like meds don’t always work. the first meds you’re on don’t always work. and it’s been proven that prozac is one of the least effective antidepressants especially for severe depression and if richey had other mental illnesses as well then who knows. but idk one of the books said something along the lines of ‘without his medication, who knows what he’d have done in his unhinged mental state’ but like if his meds weren’t really doing anything, his leaving them behind wouldn’t have made much of a difference. idk just like every interview and every record of his behavior after getting out of the hospital seems less to me like someone on working meds with adequate therapy and more like someone trying really really hard to make the people he loves happy but also cope without the coping mechanisms that everyone says are harmful to him and without adequate support to replace them. idk like whether or not richey had an actual breakdown when he disappeared, i doubt his lack of medication would have made much of a difference. and anyway, it’s also proven that severely depressed people are more likely to commit suicide just after getting on medication, because the meds finally give them enough energy to get up and go through with it. so, like, it wouldn’t have necessarily helped had he been on them. idk it’s just annoying that they just assume that everything was worse because he left his meds behind. but like, maybe they weren’t working, or maybe they gave him the energy to do what he needed to do, or maybe he’d stopped taking them long before then, or whatever.

[hellooogaynow]

1-100

omg ok tbh i forgot that i reblogged that ask thing but thank u fren here u go

1. spotify, soundcloud, or pandora? 

spotify

2. is your room messy or clean?

um ok so my room at my mom’s is technically the office and just full of mine and everyone else’s storage so it isn’t really my room i guess and my room at my dad’s is nearly empty and i haven’t been there more than a couple times in a while and i’ve been crashing at friend’s and family’s houses and living out of a suitcase for weeks so i’m just gonna say i don’t really have a room

3. what color are your eyes?

dark brown

4. do you like your name? why?

alright well this is complicated because i hate the name emily and lately i’ve been going by emmitt for a while and it’s just weird because i feel so disconnected from emily and not super connected to emmitt either and i feel like i should just be a nameless person because i hate being referred to as anything tbh

5. what is your relationship status?

happily in a relationship with someone i really care about

6. describe your personality in 3 words or less

a detached mess

7. what color hair do you have?

my natural dark brown color

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

ah it’s a purple mini van that’s rusting and dying

9. where do you shop?

target lol

10. how would you describe your style?

almost exclusively button ups and baseball shirts

11. favorite social media account?

tumblr probably i use this the most out of all of them

12. what size bed do you have?

queen

13. any siblings?

i have 2 sisters

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

i honestly have no idea how to answer this question i don’t have a dream destination or anything

15. favorite snapchat filter?

omg probably the cute cat one that changes ur voice cuz my friends look so cute when they use it

16. favorite makeup brand(s)?

i don’t know anything about makeup

17. how many times a week do you shower?

every day sometimes multiple times a day

18. favorite tv show?

buffy the vampire slayer and dollhouse kill me

19. shoe size?

idk i’m pretty sure i’m a 6

20. how tall are you?

5’1

21. sandals or sneakers?

sneakers

22. do you go to the gym?

no lol but i do plan to start going once i actually move in to my new place and get settled

23. describe your dream date

i want to spend a day in chicago with emily doing whatever we want just walking and wandering into stores and go to a zoo or a museum or navy pier or honestly just anything at this point i miss her so much i don’t care what we do as long as we’re together

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

$6

25. what color socks are you wearing?

they’re both different variations of black white and light blue

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?

at least 2

27. do you have a job? what do you do?

yeah i recently got a job in the mental health field and i work primarily with adults with various mental illnesses in a 24/7 supervised living area at the moment it’s mostly individuals dealing with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, and borderline personality disorder and i help them with symptom management, building the skills they have chosen to work on in their treatment plans, and help them carry activities of daily living so they can become self-sufficient and can transition out and live on their own

28. how many friends do you have?

ah i mean i know i have a lot of friends but as far as really close friends i know i can count on and will most likely always have around i’d say i have about 8

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?

ah fuck well i went through a really destructive phase in my recent past where i was just in a bad place and i withdrew and lashed out a lot and was super emotionally unstable and i hurt a lot of people and i regret it

30. whats your favorite candle scent?

omg i have no idea i usually just smell all the blue ones and go from there

31. 3 favorite boy names

elliot (this is my favorite name in the world probably)

max

derrick

32. 3 favorite girl names

bennett

caroline

sara

33. favorite actor?

i thought about this for a solid 5 minutes and no one is coming to mind i’m gonna leave this blank

34. favorite actress?

eliza dushku and alyson hannigan kill me every time i watch dollhouse or buffy i’m in love with her

35. who is your celebrity crush?

amber liu

36. favorite movie?

selena

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i used to read a lot when i was a kid and the music of dolphins by karen hesse has always stuck with me for some reason idk if it’s my favorite but when i was a kid i checked it out at least once a month on our elementary library visits and even now i always find myself thinking about it

38. money or brains?

well if u don’t have money u can’t survive in this capitalist society so i mean

but if this question is asking what i want in a person i’d want the smart

39. do you have a nickname? what is it?

my family calls me mimi and tbh it’s the only thing i actually feel comfortable with weirdly

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

i’ve been to the hospital multiple times to visit people but i don’t remember actually needing to be there myself besides when i burned my hands as a child

41. top 10 favorite songs

this is def subject to change depending on my mood at any given moment but for right now:

hold me tight by bts

house of cards by bts

lie by bts

all mine by one ok rock

deeper deeper by one ok rock

we are by one ok rock

decision by one ok rock

clock strikes by one ok rock

como la flor by selena

moon river waltz by shinee

42. do you take any medications daily?

no i had issues with family and insurance so i had to stop seeing my psych and taking meds

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

dry

44. what is your biggest fear?

my mom having anything else bad happen to her

45. how many kids do you want?

this is most likely not going to be my choice lol i don’t have a number in mind if i do have kids

46. whats your go to hair style?

short and whatever it wants to do when i get out of the shower

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

well i don’t really live in a house rn but my mom’s house is huge she just moved in and it’s crazy big i’m so happy for her also the house i’m gonna move into soon is p small but still cute

48. who is your role model?

idk probably my mom she’s been through a lot and is still going strong

49. what was the last compliment you received?

“you’re so sweet, you know that?” from a client

50. what was the last text you sent?

“nini

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

tbh i have no idea i was probably in elementary school

52. what is your dream car?

something that runs, is either blue or grey, and magically doesn’t cost me anything to drive it

53. opinion on smoking?

it smells terrible and i don’t like to be around people who smoke

54. do you go to college?

yeah i just graduated

55. what is your dream job?

i have no idea i don’t know what i want i haven’t really thought that far ahead but i love my job so far so i’m alright with where i’m at

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

i don’t really have a preference as long as i’m with and near people i care about

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

i don’t think i’ve ever personally done that

58. do you have freckles?

yeah i have a couple scattered around

59. do you smile for pictures?

i make this weird stupid half smile face and i can’t stop

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?

761

61. have you ever peed in the woods?

i have not

62. do you still watch cartoons?

i never want to not watch cartoons

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from wendy’s or mcdonalds?

i don’t like chicken nuggets from anywhere

64. favorite dipping sauce?

wait for what

i like soy sauce for potstickers

65. what do you wear to bed?

usually shorts and a t shirt

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?

no i’m terrible at spelling out loud

67. what are your hobbies?

i like to dance idk not much else tho i guess

68. can you draw?

nooooo

69. do you play an instrument?

i played guitar once but i forgot everything smh

70. what was the last concert you saw?

the bts wings tour

71. tea or coffee?

tea

72. starbucks or dunkin donuts?

dunkin donuts

73. do you want to get married?

yes

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?

e g

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?

i’ve thought about this actually and i’m mostly just hesitant about how difficult it would be to change my name on like all the legal paperwork and like bills and work things and it just sounds super complicated but i wish it could be easier because i hate where my last name comes from and if i married my current gf we would literally have the exact same name and we would be able to confuse people even more and i just think it would be funny

76. what color looks best on you?

black i think

77. do you miss anyone right now?

yes oh my god

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed always closed

79. do you believe in ghosts?

yeah i do

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?

ok i get so mad when i go to a friend’s place who has long hair and i’m walking barefoot through their house or i’m sleeping over or i’m under a blanket or something and it just makes me so mad when i feel dumb long single strands of hair in my toes i hate it so much it makes me so mad idk man but this happened to me last night and i’ve been thinking about it ever since

81. last person you called?

ah well the last phone call that i was on was with the director of all the residential living things at my work

82. favorite ice cream flavor?

idk probably chocolate and vanilla with caramel

83. regular oreos or golden oreos?

regular oreos

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

no sprinkles pls

85. what shirt are you wearing?

black and grey v neck t shirt

86. what is your phone background?

a picture of my gf i took a while back of her from a distance with the river and sunset in the background

87. are you outgoing or shy?

shy with everyone besides my friends

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?

only like a very specific like 2 people but when it’s anyone else i get really uncomfortable with being touched and you’d think that people wouldn’t just come up to you and start touching your hair and telling you how soft it is but it’s more common than you think and it makes me want to d ie

89. do you like your neighbors?

my nonexistent neighbors r gr8

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

i always wash it in the morning but sometimes i wash it at night too if i feel gross from the day

91. have you ever been high?

nope never

92. have you ever been drunk?

yes

93. last thing you ate?

a blizzard from dairy queen with pieces of brownies in it

94. favorite lyrics right now

ok i’m gonna be honest and just say i’m not in a place to listen to music rn i’ve been listening to exclusively podcasts and i have not listened to a song and not zoned out completely during it in a very long time and no lyrics are coming to mind

95. summer or winter?

summer

96. day or night?

night

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?

ah milk or white i guess i’m not a super big fan tho

98. favorite month?

june cuz my birthday also gay

99. what is your zodiac sign

gemini

100. who was the last person you cried in front of?

my dad

[ambiguouswren]

First post. (of this type)

Dear Tumblr, 

Hi.  I’m [name redacted]. I’m 30 years old and my life is a bit of a mess.  I have been diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety and I’ve spent the last year trying to fix it and all I feel like is that it’s gotten worse. 

Earlier this year I fell in love with one of my best friends.  First time I had ever felt anything that real.  So of course it got all fucked it up. And the universe played a hand against it all because my personal happiness does not mean anything apparently.  I think the biggest thing was mental illness and past relationship issues got in the way and I won’t say who had what or if it was both, gotta keep some mystery here right? I hate the universe so much for how everything went. I’m ashamed of my behavior. And mad at myself, to a degree, for believing that it was ever going to actually be a real thing after everything that happened even before anything happened.  For once I had hope in something, something that even other people saw and supported, and look where it got me?  I hurt a lot because of it. It’s like, okay take this as an example I think anyone can relate to...you travel to this donut shop that’s like super famous right? It takes you a REALLY long time to get there. And there’s this ONE type of donut you’ve been told about your whole life and you imagined what this donut would be like.  You’ve had copies of this donut and had one kind of donut that you had for a long time trying to convince yourself that it was that same kind of donut but then you realized you’re just lying to yourself.  So you’re minding your own business and suddenly you’re there...it's within in arms reach....then this asshole....whats an asshole name....we’ll go with Matt...this asshole matt that’s made your life a living hell shows up out of fucking nowhere, grabs the donut and shoves it in his mouth right in front of you. And it’s the last one.  And they’re never going to make it again.  Kinda feels like that. So then from that point on you just stop eating donuts altogether.  Cuz that’s easier right? 

Okay so that’s a really stupid analogy but I’m trying to keep this at least somewhat light hearted so I don’t fall into a blubbering mess cuz OH MY GOD I’m so tired of crying. 

That’s one of the things about depression. Sometimes, you feel nothing and god let me tell you I live for those days. If I’m living with depression I want the numb days.  I least then I can kind of still function like a regular human being, or at least fall asleep without too much trouble.  But I’m unlucky I guess. I get the feeling days...a lot...and it’s usually a lot of emotions all in the lower spectrum: worthlessness, self-loathing, guilt, sadness, anger, fear, loneliness...did I mention self-loathing? It blows man.  I cry almost every single day, sometimes a few times a day. It’s hard to keep up with hydration when you do that too.  At least my eyes are well lubricated....kinda of?  

Another difficult thing is, it kind of gets to a point where the people close to you don’t know how the fuck to deal with you anymore. (Remember that guilt and self-loathing I talked about earlier?). And you can’t blame them. You wouldn’t want to deal with you either.  It’s exhausting.  Like I legitimately can’t feel happy.  Might be the meds. Might be the depression. WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?! I sure don’t at this point. 

The meds do help though, somewhat. I don’t really deal with anxiety anymore so that’s great.  I do NOT miss that.  The tightness in my chest. Feeling like I can’t breathe.  I’m on my 3rd type of meds to find something that actually works.

I am working actively on getting better. Which I think is one of the reasons I want to do this.  I’m hitting this hard (because that’s what you gotta do when something hits you...hit it back...but harder. That’s how you win right?).  I’m going to be starting group therapy in September and I had my first session with a long term therapist...yesterday? The days kind of blur together for me.  So I am trying.  Its terrifying though.  Like I have no idea what to expect now that I’m going to a professional that’s NOT in the school system.  I just hope whatever she does actually helps.  And while I know this is going to be a LONG road, I just hope improvements happen soon.   I can’t stand this.  I’m pretty sure if I was a different type of person I wouldn’t be here anymore.  Yeah, it’s gotten that bad at times. Thank god I have a logical brain and a stupidly strong instinct to survive.  Plus my dad would probably be pretty ashamed of me and I couldn’t put my mom through another tragedy in her life. She’s been through enough. 

Suicide is a horrible option and if you’re ever considering it PLEASE get help (here’s a few great sources click  >Text Line< > 1-800-273-8255< suicide prevention hotline. And keep in mind even if you’re having a REALLY low day they’re here to help. I’ve used them a few times even though I’m not suicidal. They’re actually the ones who helped me find affordable therapy)

ANYWAYS. Thanks for listening tumblr.  I really hope no one like...freaks out on me.  Cuz honestly, yes, I’m posting this on a public forum but like...if you know my URL you probably know me IRL.  Not many people would think up this name for a tumblr. Lets be real.  Right now I’d say I’m not okay. But those times happen and I do think that I’m kind of in that “its gotta get worse before it gets better” type of things because I’m having to sift through almost 20 years of trauma. 

ANYWAYS. I need to focus on getting mentally prepared to sleep.  Thanks for tuning in. Till next time kiddos.