#I know i could just read the web novel however

[kyeterna]

breaking my silence

but you see the desire to fit in is bigger than the desire to not get spoiled so it's mostly been just

[weirdsht]

Cliché - LoTCF & Venion Stan! Reader

notes: ngl i took more time dwelling whether i should make this a series. but i never did two series at once because i can't handle the commitment, so i compromised by making it a long oneshot. ALSO TRIGGER WARNING: I put my psych major to work while writing this fic so...

tags: TRIGGER WARNING PLEASE CAREFULLY READ THE TAGS (dw nothing too graphic for every warning) depression, eating disorder, anxiety, self-loathing, torture and abuse, guilt, like lots of guilt, passive to mild suicidal thoughts, not being able to control your body, catatonic depression, anhedonia, blood, cursing, vague novel spoilers, Taylor Stan being the best brother out there, open ending i think, can be seen as hurt/comfort

English isn’t my first language so there will be grammatical errors

Pls don't repost my work anywhere without my permission

Constructive criticisms and any kind of interaction are more than welcome

Requests are open and welcome

Buy Me Dessert

Navigation Masterlist Platitude (pt. 2)

Tak Tak Tak

The sound of the horses of the carriage filled your ears as soon as you woke up.

…Wait horses?

How could there be horses when you were sure you were inside a lecture hall?

“Young master I’m glad you’re awake. We are nearing Viscount Tolz’s territory.”

Viscount Tolz? That sounds familiar, but you can’t quite put your finger on it as you just woke up.

You observed the unfamiliar place you woke up in. You seem to be inside a carriage, years of reading manhwas, manhuas, mangas and web novels have gotten you familiar as to what they looked like. 

Observing the interior a bit more, you notice that the carriage you are in seems luxurious. That and the servant riding a horse outside the carriage window just called you “young master”. 

‘Did I transmigrate? I swear I was just nodding off during one of my lectures…’

“You. What date is it? My head feels fuzzy from sleeping in this uncomfortable carriage.”

‘I’ve rotten my brain reading that damn isekai genre. I already know the drill, I should be a villain or something. I guess I should be glad I didn’t end up as an animal, those things have gotten popular these days…’

You silently shivered at the thought of being a bird or a snake.

“I’m sorry about the seat young master. You’re custom cushion should be arriving tomorrow. As for the date, it is currently year 780 of the Felix Calendar.”

Shit

By the calendar mentioned you could already tell what series you transmigrated to. There was only one series you know that uses Felix Calendar.

Lout of the Count’s Family

And it looks like you got sucked into that novel a year before things began.

“As soon as that arrives install it in my carriage. This thing is as hard as a brick.”

Contrary to what you say, the seat is very soft and comfortable. However, if you really did transmigrate as a villain like in all those manhwas you’ve read then you figured you have to act as bratty as possible. 

“I understand young master. We are nearing the villa soon, I’m sure young master Neo has prepared your room so you can rest.”

Fuck. You’re fucked.

Out of all the small villains in existence you just had to steal the body of a dragon abuser. You just had to get in the body of Venion Stan.

Venion out of all people. Even Neo Tolz or Adin or Duke Fredo would’ve been better picks.

But no, the gods of this world just had to put you in the body of an atrocious villain that has no use.

Never mind running away in the countryside while enjoying all the inheritance, there’s no way that black dragon is going to leave you alone.

…And for sure the black dragon is already 3 years old, there’s no saving you now. Anger and despair are already planted in that poor baby’s heart.

Everything moved too quickly to your liking. One moment you were in the carriage, then next Neo was greeting you. After you blinked you’re already in the black dragon’s cell.

‘Can I survive a year before Cale comes here to get the dragon?’

The black dragon can’t use mana, let alone dragon fear. But his vicious gaze full of animosity is already enough to make you feel guilt and fear.

He looked so pitiful. The cell might be spacious, but a cage will still be a cage. He was just there, in the middle of the cell. Chained and unable to fight back.

The buffet in the middle doesn’t help the queasiness you feel in your stomach.

“Do-”

‘Don’t bother with it, I won't be visiting the dragon further.’

The words you want to say are stuck in your throat. Some unknown force is stopping you from uttering them out.

You figured it was so that things would still go according to the plot.

‘I know I wasn’t the greatest in my previous life, but was I so bad that I must experience this?’

Tap Tap Tap

Heels of your shoes tapped against the ground as you walked towards the table. You tried to stop your body, but it was useless. No matter how hard you try to stop yourself you just keep moving.

“Start.”

Your voice- no Venion’s voice said and the torturer started whipping the dragon.

Gulp

There’s a bile in your throat threatening to show itself. However, you swallowed it. The scene may look horrendous, but you didn’t look away. You didn’t stop eating the feast in front of you. You didn’t stop laughing at the small dragon’s demise.

More like you couldn’t.

You wanted to cry. You wanted to go back to your world and curl up in your bed. You wanted all of this to be a dream.

‘Is this the doing of the gods? If so then why must they be cruel.’

“Is there anything else you want to do young master?”

“No just go out. All of you. I will follow in a short while”

Following your order, everyone in the dungeon started heading out. After a few seconds, there was no one but you and the dragon in the room.

Bleurgh!

As soon as there was no one else in the room you vomited. Good thing there was a bathroom attached in the dungeon. The bathroom door was wide open as you puked your gut out, showing the black dragon a view of your pale face. Despite that you didn’t care, your only focus was to get rid of the horrible feeling running through your body.

It’s not as if the dragon would care about its torturer.

That night you spent the entire time in your bed tossing and turning. Too tired to sleep but too scared to face the nightmares you have to combat every time you do.

“Go find a magician or something and commission a temperature-regulating device. I want it installed at the cave before we visit the Tolz territory again.”

“As you wish your highness. However, aren’t you spending a bit too much on a mere pet?”

“You dare think I’m buying all these things for that pesky dragon? I’m buying it for my own comfort, you should be aware of how I want to be comfortable all the time.”

“It seems I made a mistake. I shall prepare everything you desire for the next time you visit the villa.”

Six months has already passed since you became Venion Stan. Adjusting wasn’t easy, especially when there are more times when you can’t control your body than when you can.

But still, you persevered.

It wasn’t like you had a choice anyway. You have already taken over this body so you have to live in it. That and there’s also the fact that you want the original plot to go smoothly.

You want the black dragon to experience justice.

So you persist. Even when the atrocities you did make you puke. Even when you want to kill yourself.

You didn’t

It wasn’t right.

You may not be the original Venion Stan, but it wouldn’t be right to take away the revenge the black dragon deserves. That was why you decided to persevere.

Persevere now and suffer at the dragon's hands later before finally dying.

That was your plan.

You didn’t care about other things anymore. Money, territory, power; none of those things mattered to you anymore. Too disgusted with yourself and everything you have been doing to even attempt to enjoy those things.

However

There’s a silver lining in all of this.

After a month of being in your new body, you have found a loophole. You found a way to combat some of the restrictions to your actions. As long as you sound selfish and villainous enough, you can get away with saying and doing most things.

Using this knowledge to your advantage, you slowly made life for the dragon easier. You bought a lot of things such as cushions, a more comfortable collar, and the temperature-regulating device you just ordered. You also used this fact to lessen your hold on both Taylor Stan and the underworld.

“Venion, I heard you withdrew the people watching over your older brother.”

You scowled at Marquis Stan’s words as if the mere mention of Taylor Stan upsets you.

“Father, what can that cripple do? He has no legs, no power, and barely has any money. Putting people to watch over someone like that will only be a waste of resources.”

Luckily, the marquis agreed with your reasoning and let the situation go while praising how smart you are.

‘Hopefully by this Taylor Stan can gather more information now that my people are now hovering over him.’

That night you managed to sleep for approximately 30 minutes. The longest sleep you’ve experienced since coming over to this world.

Bleurgh!!

It was another torture session and once again you were vomiting everything you ate that week after the session. 

While you were busy trying to not make a mess on the bathroom floor, you didn’t notice a certain young dragon observing you.

He may be three years old and he may not know much but his still smart because he's a dragon. That was why he noticed the changes in his captor that started around 8 months ago. 

The young dragon noticed the hesitation in your eyes whenever you entered the dungeon. How you were puking from self-hatred and not because of how bad the food was like you said. How your laugh is soulless, especially when he’s being tortured. 

How you stagger the slightest bit while standing up after those sessions. How your hands shook ever so slightly from guilt. How you tried to make the cell as comfortable as possible for him despite saying you were doing it for your own comfort. 

How your eyes look more lifeless each time he sees you.

The young dragon noticed all of it. He may not know what caused the change, but he knows that everything you’re doing is against your volition.

“Fuck I lost my appetite already. I’m going back to my room. Feed those scraps to that dragon.”

You ordered your servants on your way out. Walking as if your entire body wasn’t shaking ten seconds ago.

The black dragon just watches you with observant eyes. 

The “scraps” you were talking about were the feast that was barely even touched. It had always been like this for a few months now. You would barely touch your food and give it to the dragon in the guise of treating him like a dog.

For now, the young one accepts the food. He’ll figure out your intentions later.

“Lessen the guards at the dungeon. Remove all the cushions too, I’m going to change them. Do the same thing to the dragon’s collar too. While you’re at it increase the guards stationed at my quarters. Put the guards in the cave to my room.”

It’s the fated day. Time passed and now is already the day the black dragon will be rescued by Cale, Choi Han, and the cat tribe children. You already met them earlier and acted as arrogant as you could.

Hence the preparation. You need to make it look like the dragon was kept in a horrible condition. Of course, he was… but like much more worse conditions.

“Assassins have been increasing their attempts lately. If I see someone assigned to my room not doing your jobs I’m going to feed you to the sharks. Oh, and you.”

You pointed at a random servant passing by.

“Here’s some gold, buy some alcohol from the inn. Don’t tell anyone I was the one who bought it.”

“May I ask what you’re going to do with the alcohol young master?”

Everyone knows that Venion Stan deemed things not noble enough as disgusting. But you felt guilty for pushing that old man around earlier so you made an excuse.

“Depends on my mood. I’m feeling generous so if you all guard my room tonight then I’ll give you the alcohol tomorrow to drink.”

Everyone held in their shock.

“But if you don’t then I’m going to throw each bottle in your heads while drinking real wine.”

With that, you turned around to lie down on your bed.

That night was the same as every other night you spent in this world. Sleepless. However, that night you felt some weight being lifted off your shoulders as you heard the ruckus Choi Han was causing outside.

‘He should be curled up in Cale’s lap while looking at me viciously’

You stealthily peeked at Cale as you walked towards your seat. Just a moment ago he was trying to rile you up by acting obnoxious. It was hard to try and act like you were keeping your composure when you agreed with everything he said.

“What the..!” 

‘Shit did I not put enough strength into my acting?’

You barely felt your blonde hair sway as you slapped the table in supposed shock at Taylor Stan’s entrance.

‘Maybe I should’ve forced myself to eat a little bit more before coming here…’

Gritting your teeth, you ignore the black spots dancing in your vision. Today is a vital day, you can’t ruin the script by fainting because you only ate 3 spoonfuls during breakfast.

Luckily, it looks like everything is going according to the plot. Based on everyone’s reaction, you looked like an enraged noble.

Days following that event were even more chaotic. Not only was the terrorist attack in the plaza terrifying but trying to act as if you were trying to hold on to your position when you just wanted to give it to Taylor was even tougher.

As usual, you persevered.

Comforted yourself at the thought that in a few months, you can embrace death’s sweet presence.

“Do I look different without the blood?”

You felt scared and relieved at the sight of the black dragon that now goes by Raon Miru.

Scared because even though you have resigned yourself to your fate, and felt like you deserve it even, you still feel fear for what’s about to come.

Relief because he looks healthy. Chubby even. You were glad that he was living a good life after he got away from you.

Disregarding your feelings, you let the poisonous fog into your body. Resigning yourself to the four days of hell waiting.

Ugh…

Your body feels sluggish when you wake up.

“What the… It hasn’t even begun yet why does that bastard’s eyes already look dead?”

“That’s what I was telling you human! That punk's eyes tell a different story from his actions.”

Soft. Whatever you were lying down on felt soft. It wasn’t like what you’ve read in the novel where Venion was lying down on the hard ground. The magic collar was also soft. It felt similar to the one you bought for Raon a year ago. 

You would know because you made sure to pick the softest one yourself.

“His eyes look more dead than when I last saw him at that cave.”

Eyes? Were they talking about yours?

You didn’t know. You didn’t care.

You just want everything to end.

Gasp!

Someone gasped, you think it was one of the kittens.

“T-tears! Why is he crying? I only put paralysis in poison earlier.”

Crying? You were crying?

You sit up. It was hard because of the chains tying your arms but you still did it.

As you look down on your lap, tears are indeed flowing.

‘Why am I crying? Wasn’t I waiting for this day?’

Everything was already planned in your head. You get tortured then you will go crazy. Then you will kill yourself and make everyone believe you did it because you’re crazy.

So why are you crying now?

Why are you in tears as if you don’t deserve what’s happening to you?

Why do you weep as though you haven’t committed several crimes this past year?

How dare you do so.

How dare you act so pitifully when the child you tortured is right in front of you?

Shameless. Till the end, you’re so shameless.

Click! 

Thunk!

Beacrox unlocked the magic collar. As he did you saw it falling on the ground.

“Ah, so there really was fur inside…”

Your voice sounded soulless. It sounded so dead that even you were shocked at how you sounded.

But it also felt cathartic.

After two years of trying to act lively. Two years of acting as if you were fighting for something.

You can finally let out your real emotions.

Two years. It took more than two years for you to be granted that privilege. 

“Speak. I heard you bought the same thing for Raon.”

“You really named him Raon…”

Beacrox grabbed your collar. He looked furious. If you remember things correctly, he just heard about the dragon’s story a while ago so you understand his feelings.

“He told you to answer. Why did you buy something like that after 3 years?”

“I was getting tired of looking at the hard metal… There was nothing in that cave but stone and metal…”

Your tears are still flowing. It looks like they were crying a whole year’s worth. 

Despite that, you were not shaking, nor were your eyes looked sad.

Contrarily, you looked like those creepy dolls with soulless eyes that cried in horror films.

That low-key scared everyone in the room.

“Before, when I was three, I saw you shaking every time you came to the cave. Why was that?”

What’s happening? Why is there a sudden interrogation? You signed up for torture not for a cross-examination.

Still, you answered the dragon.

“I can’t tell.”

“Is it related to how you can’t seem to say what you want at times?”

Just how much did that kid notice in the few times you visited him?

“Yes. When are you going to get started? I need to meet with my hyung after this…”

Meet him and then die.

So please hurry up already.

“Hey punk, you sound like you already know what’s going to happen.”

“It’s obvious. This place looks exactly like that damn cave.”

You were getting tired of talking.

Actually, you were tired. Period.

“But it doesn’t look like how I left the cave when you rescued him.”

“Yes, because that wasn’t how the cave I lived in looked like. It looked like this.”

And the “this” Raon was talking about felt more homey. There were soft lights and a bunch of pillows and cushions. There were even some stuffed toys and blankets.

Was this how you decorated Raon’s cave?

You can’t remember.

Not that you care.

“Can we get started already please?”

“I thought you were a sadist, not a masochist.”

Something snapped inside you at that moment. You didn’t know why it was Choi Han’s comment that riled you up. Maybe it wasn’t the comment but the waiting that set you off.

“Just do it already! Are you dumb?! This fucking plot will not move unless you fucking torture me!”

In that moment you felt a searing pain in your chest.

“Argh!”

Blood flowed out from your mouth.

‘So that’s what happens when I try to push the restrictions.’

Coughing out blood when you’re body was already weak from not eating and sleeping enough was bound to cause you to faint.

And faint you did.

“Young master Cale said you were unconscious for 4 days. The doctor told me you were both malnourished and fatigued. One of your servants confessed that it’s an achievement if you eat 4 spoonfuls every meal. The young master also mentioned how it seems like you were forced to do everything you’ve done… Just what is happening? Hmm? Tell this hyung of yours.”

“Hyung…”

In the end, you didn’t get tortured…

“What’s going to happen now? What’s going to happen to me?”

You diverged from the fate carved out for Venion Stan.

That made you scared.

The restriction placed upon you to prevent you from straying from the plot scared you.

“Everything will be okay. But you need to tell me what’s going on.”

Taylor Stan hugged you, and you felt disgusted with yourself that you dare find warmth and comfort in that hug. Disgusted that you dared cry in front of him when you tried to kill him in the past.

But you couldn’t help it.

You couldn’t help that your hyung was soft and caring even though he was stern and strict. 

“I’m scared hyung. I’m a horrible person.”

As you speak you notice Cale in the corner of the room. He was trying to go out to give you two some privacy.

“Please stay.”

‘You deserve to hear the truth too.’

Cale stopped moving at your words. 

At that moment you decided to spill everything. Venion Stan’s role was already done. Even if it wasn’t, you already strayed from the path written for him. So you’re pulling all stops now.

“I’m a horrible person that did horrid crimes. I know that, I did them with my own hands after all. But I didn’t want to do them.”

You felt that stinging pain slowly coming back.

“There are times when I can’t control the things I say or do. No matter how hard I try my body won’t listen to me.”

The taste of blood in your mouth is back. You tried to act as calm as possible and nonchalantly spit it out in a napkin as if you were just wiping your mouth.

“I think it’s the god’s doing. It’s fated that I must be a bad guy for everything in the future to work out.”

You wiped your mouth again.

“I couldn’t resist it. But I found a loophole.”

Wipe

“If I make it look like what I was doing is villainous then my movements will not be restricted as much.”

“So when you removed the people watching over my residence..?”

You nodded while wiping your mouth once again.

However, this time Taylor snatched the napkin out of your hands.

“You’re bleeding..!”

“Ah…”

You were wiping so much blood that it already seeped out. Causing for Taylor and Cale to see the blood.

“I should’ve used a darker colour…”

“Stop talking. I’ve already heard everything I need to know.”

“I have nothing else to say to you anyway.”

The two men started walking out of the door when you called out to someone.

“Young master Cale, can you please stay? I must tell you something.”

The marquis and the young master exchanged a glance before one of them left the room.

“What is it?”

At Taylor’s exit, Raon undid his invisibility.

“It’s not fate.”

Cale and Raon looked at you as if you’d lost your head. Honestly, you wish you did. Being beheaded right now is better than living with these horrible feelings.

“It’s plot. You should know what I’m talking about.”

Luckily, Marquiss Stan left the napkin so you could wipe your mouth again.

“I think the universe, not the gods, made a mistake with me. But despite their mistake, they are insistent on going with the plot laid out.”

You discarded the napkin. It’s already drenched with too much of your blood that it can’t be used anymore.

“But don’t worry. This plot is very beneficial to you. You just have to follow whatever you think is right. You can disregard whatever anyone says. Even if that anyone is a god.”

‘Unlike me’

Cale handed you a handkerchief and you wiped your mouth with it.

“Lastly, I’m sorry Raon Miru-nim. My only choice was to either keep torturing you or throw you out. I couldn’t throw you out, because if I did then you wouldn’t meet the young master.”

“It’s okay… I am great and mighty so I figured out long ago that you were being forced.”

“Thank you.”

With that the dragon became invisible again and the two head out of the room.

Cleanup was easy. Of course, it was. Everything was already planned out beforehand.

The previous marquis was arrested and his people were successfully rooted out. You got sentenced to house arrest.

Meaning, you got a slap on the wrist.

It confused you. Why did you get such a light sentence when you did so many horrible things? It didn’t even feel like house arrest because your hyung always kept you by his side and personally took care of you.

“How about you? How are you and your brother doing?”

You heard Cale speaking on the other side of the communication device. But you just kept your head low and stared at your palms, unmoving.

“That…”

Marquis Stan hesitated.

“His been listless since that day. I checked with an expert and they said his in a catatonic state.”

You blur out the rest of their conversation. It wasn’t like there was a need to listen anyway. There’s nothing for you to do now. Your role is done but you can’t die.

You're tired.

So so fucking tired.

Tired of waking up. Tired of moving. Tired of thinking. Tired of breathing.

Tired of living.

So you opted to not move. Tune out the world around you. Maybe if you’re lucky they’ll leave you to rot in that lavish room of yours.

“Your eyes look more lively today. Do you have enough energy to speak?”

You blinked once. Then twice. You don’t know how many days have passed already. All of them look like a giant blur in your mind.

For the first time in a while, you moved your body to look at your surroundings.

As you take in your surroundings you notice that there’s a storm outside. That and Taylor Stan seem to have put you in the wheelchair he used to use.

“Taylor Stan…”

“Call me hyung.”

Did you deserve to? Well, it doesn’t matter since he ordered you to.

“Hyung”

“Yes, my dongsaeng?”

“Why won’t you kill me?”

The wheelchair stopped in its tracks. It was because the one pushing it stopped walking.

“Why would I kill you?”

“Why would you not kill me?”

You had no way of knowing just how scared Taylor was at this moment. Your voice sounded so soulless. As if you were asking about the weather and not about your death. He was already scared that one day he would just wake up to find you dead. Your questions and your way of asking them are not helping his fear.

“I told you, I wouldn’t kill my family.”

“Ah…”

Silence lingered as the two of you went to your room. Inside, the first thing you noticed was the door on the wall.

“That’s a connecting door. It’s connected to my room.”

“Very fitting for a criminal like me that needs to be monitored at all times.”

“That’s not…”

Taylor Stan chose to sigh instead of answering. After he did, he called the servants to help you with your nighttime routine.

“You all can go now, I’ll take it from here.”

Servants filed out of your room as your brother took the brush from a servant's hand.

“You know that this is useless right?”

“Why is that?”

Taylor continued brushing your blonde hair that now reaches past your shoulders.

“It’s not like I’ll sleep. There’s never a night where I slept for more than 30 minutes. I think.”

“Maybe if I stay by your side you’ll sleep better.”

You didn’t respond. You just watched in the mirror how your hyung gently brushed your hair. At some point, you pulled your legs up to your chest and started hugging them.

Taylor Stan didn’t seem to mind your movements. In fact, he seems to encourage them.

“Let’s eat dinner now. Do you want to walk?”

“No.”

The mere thought of moving more than you already did makes you feel nauseated.

Your hyung nodded and started pushing the wheelchair again. As he did the sight of the food prepared on your table caught your eyes. It wasn’t a feast like how you were served in the past.

Instead, there were just two simple identical meals on the table.

It reminded you of how you used to eat your meals back on earth.

“You’re eating too?”

“I haven’t eaten yet. I figure we can eat together since Cage is not here.”

She must be in the super rock’s villa or something.

Eat together was what you did. Well, more like Taylor ate while you take a few bites and play with your food.

“Do you not want to eat anymore?”

“No.”

“It’s fine, just leave it there. You already ate thrice more than you usually would. It’s okay to take it slow.”

That’s true. You ate 10 spoonfuls today when you would usually just take a bite or two. Three at most.

Maybe a gentle company and a simple meal did the trick. But you aren’t sure.

After the meal, you brushed your teeth before lying down on the bed. Taylor was sitting on a couch beside your bed as promised.

That night, for the first time since you arrived in this world, you managed to sleep almost the whole night.

[alottiegoingon]

like in the movies

van palmer x fem!reader

summary: friends to lovers with van.

warnings: van uses they/them pronouns, yellowjackets brief mention, reader uses reading glasses cause its cute, no crash, jackieshauna and lottienat mentioned, no smut but characters aged up anyway, just lots of fluff, not proofread

the memory of you as a middle schooler sneaking into the living room past midnight was still fresh inside your mind. with droopy eyes and your favorite blanket glued to your hand, you would tiptoe to the comfort of the warm armchair just so you could watch the creepiest horror movies that would definitely traumatize you. they were only exhibited late at night for a reason, you were aware of that. but you didn’t mind the nightmares and the terrifying feeling of being chased by an invisible monster every time you turned the lights off.

however, horror wasn’t the only thing you were obsessed with. you've always imagined how it would feel like to love someone like they showed in those stupid romance movies, daydreaming about finding the right person that would share the same interests as you. so romantic. in high school, it got even worse thanks to the teeth rotting sweet romcoms you desperately devoured and the immesurable hours you spent in the book store trying to find new romantic novels.

lucky for you, amid all your friends that were actually living in the real world instead of creating perfect scenarios inside their heads, you weren't alone.

you met van palmer in literature class. you used to sit right by their side and, despite your love for books, you wouldn't ever dare to say a word. van was the complete opposit, they weren't scared of sharing their opinions. many of your classmates would prepare themselves to hear the countless words of van palmer, slumping onto their desks, but you were always excited.

you instantly became friends when they first defended you in class when the teacher suggested a polarizing topic; comic books. unlike a few of your classmates, one of your favorite ways to spend the weekend was to read a bunch of comics. spider-man was your favorite. he had a pretty fun costume and could fly, hanging to spider webs. so nice!

"everyone knows that comics aren't as good as books. they are made for lazy people who can't read anything longer than ten pages." the guy sitting in front of you made sure to look back as he whispered, lips twisting into an arrogant grin.

"i don't think she cares about the opinion of someone who did an entire essay of arthur conan doyle thinking that sherlock holmes was a real person." van intervened, leaning closer to you but staring at him, before you could have a say. you shift your attention to the redhead with their head slightly bent to the right, raised chin and brows and firm jaw.

"i just got confused!" he defended himself using an irritated tone, surprised by van being able to hear him, not waiting any longer to look back at the teacher and leave you alone.

"don't listen to him. that guy is a knob." their quiet voice is followed by a change in their expression, face softening along with relaxed muscles.

you were surprised that someone as cool and as smart as them would defend you so quickly.

"thank you." you murmur timidly as your mind desperately tried to find something cooler to say than just a simple thank you.

"sure. i'm van, by the way." you watch van extending their hand in your direction and you don't think twice before greeting them.

"hi." you whisper, trying to stay away from your teacher's aim and not interrupt her. "i know. i like how you always talk in class. it's so cool."

for you, that was the second you made a friend. for van, it was the second they fell in love with someone who didn't think their opinions were annoying.

[📓]

things happened pretty quickly after that. you created the perfect excuse to talk to them again, scared that you weren't nearly as rad as they were; a book club. except for the tiny detail that it wasn't exactly a club, just the two of you reunited in the small office in your house with cookies and tea.

"gosh, you look like an old lady." was what van always said to tease you. sitting just a few inches away, they would cautiously look at you with reading glasses and emma by jane austen in hands.

"this old lady here is getting to page 221 so you should hurry up!"

once or twice, you would look up to take a quick break from reading just to discreetly glance at van. it wasn't rare the times that they would catch your stare. sometimes it was the other way around and you could swear that van had their eyes on you the entire time.

from books and comics to movies, you shared a lot of similar interests. you were completely obsessed with the book and movie misery from 1990 and you often forced van to watch it with you. you knew all the details and fun facts from the movie and, of course, loved kathy bates.

"we've seen this so many times that i think kathy bates is actually visiting me in my dreams!" van complained over and over about the tedious movie choice with their mouth full of popcorn.

van would see the effort behind every movie and fall in love with the story of every character. watching misery, on the other hand, was such a common occurrence that they could spot the colors of the movie already stained on the insides of the tv.

"it wasn't that much!" you rolled your eyes at them but felt your lips involuntarily curling up. you would always laugh at the silly things van used to say.

"okay, fine." you give in after half a second, getting up from the couch. you didn't want to torture them that badly.

you got closer to the tv, removing the vhs tape of one of your favorite movies and securing them inside the small box. you were ready to let van decide, maybe even excited to watch something new.

"wait, van, where are the others?" you feel a whiff of desperation as you notice the absent tapes. van was in charge of renting them every friday. the feeling you had when getting lost in a bookstore or a library was van's feeling when they were surrounded by some old classic vhs tapes and a world of movies that you two would probably never get to see.

"oh, crap! i think i forgot all of them at home. sorry, i was in a rush." you sigh in relief, soothed by not being the responsible for losing them.

"then it looks like kathy bates will be visiting you again tonight." you tease van, looking at them sinking into your couch with a mischievous grin. you were going to give van a chance to choose movies, you really were. but it wasn't your fault if they forgot to bring the other vhs tapes.

"lord help me..." they whispered, dramatically covering their ears when the intro song started, making you giggle. too excited with your favorite movie and too focused on it, you didn't even caught van's eyes on you, watching you completely fascinated by the small screen.

little did you know that the tapes were buried on van's backpack, hidden under books, pens and the soccer uniform.

[📓]

van was just as cool as you thought. maybe even more. much more. they would help you study after class, follow you to parties even though they hated it just to make sure you were safe (and to judge people with you right after), walk you home and read comics with you.

after your first kiss, that happened during a date in the movie theater as you were watching the craft in 96, van knew that they had to make something special to ask you to be their girlfriend immediately.

they spoke to shauna, asking for ideas. they knew that shauna was the best with words and romantic letters, always gifting her girlfriend jackie with those. they were dating for three years now, shauna had to have gome good tips. it took van two days to realize that writing pretty words on a paper wasn't exactly their talent after not being able to write anything except "hi, it's van".

that would be an awful letter.

then, van asked lottie; their best friend. lottie was dating natalie for almost a year now.

"i don't know, lot. this looks hard..." van was careful when questioning their friend, not wanting to hurt her feelings.

"it's not, really! and she's gonna love it, it's so cute." lottie reassured van while shoving lots of colored paper sheets into their hands.

"nat loves when i make her those cute paper rings when im bored during french class. she even wears them all the time!" lottie pointed to natalie in the back with at least four paper rings in their fingers. lottie sucked at french and she was always bored. evidently, natalie had a long collection of paper rings at this point.

the blondie was definitely threatening van with her eyes while they were trying so hard to not laugh at the situation.

van got home and the first thing they did was practice for hours, folding the paper multiple times and hoping that that mess would eventually turn into a paper ring. and, damn, they were wrong, again.

neither of those things worked for van and they wanted to do something special and good enough to make you happy. something important that would make your heart beat faster. something that matched your personality.

the hardest part was to keep it a secret, van was a huge blabbermouth. always enthusiastic and determined to make you laugh, it was tough to create excuses for not showing up to your typical movie nights. they were just too tired in the aftermath of spending days and nights creating you something.

"are you mad?" you suddenly ask them, impatiently untangling yourself from them. van, who had their arm around your shoulder as you were cuddling in the couch, gave you a baffled look. "you didn't show up last friday, i thought you were going to choose the movie this time."

"i'm not mad, i promise. i'm doing something important and i didn't have time to rent anything." van was a complete softie, almost pouting like a baby.

"more important than me?"

and that was what van needed to spill everything. it wasn't their fault, they just couldn't handle seeing you upset!

"of course not! look!" van left the couch in a blink of an eye, anxiously digging into their backpack for what they were working on.

"i was making you something. i was waiting for a better moment but i guess the moment is now." they chuckled awkwardly. you notice their shaky and sweaty hands clumsily holding at least three vhs tapes and a comic book.

"i wanted to give you something special to ask you something and i tried writing something or those stupid hard paper rings that lottie gives natalie but it didn't fit us. so i spoke to the lady that runs the video store and i actually bought your favorite movies so we can watch it together and, huh..." they look at their own hands, realizing that they forgot to mention the comics. "oh, and the new spider-man comic book cause i know you like it."

"are you serious?" it was your turn to frown your lips, eyes brimming with tears. while you were melting, van was terrified and inspecting your face for any signs that could tell them that you had liked it.

"thank you, van. i love this. i love spider-man, i love watching movies with you. i can't believe you bought those, it must have cost a fortune." you approach van and help their nervous self to handle you the movies and the brand new shiny comic. you smile tenderly at van, using your free hand to gently stroke their cheek.

"i wanted you to feel special." van says in a barely audible and still overwhelmed tone. "and i was wondering that maybe, if you aren't too busy with books and kathy bates, you would like to be my girlfriend?" their cheeks were matching the tone of their hair now.

"i think i can break up with kathy bates and give you a chance." you laugh, laying your presents on the coffee table. in a second, you wrap your arms around van's neck to bring them closer and press your lips against theirs.

[📓]

"that's so unfair! why can't i be spider-man?" you whine, following van around your bedroom as they were holding your costume for halloween.

"because i wanna be your favorite, obviously." van place the costumes on your bed to give you full atention. your effort to look sad in order to convice them went down the drain when their arms held your waist, fingers carefully squeezing your skin.

"and because spider-man is the lucky guy who gets to kiss the pretty and smart girl." they murmur proudly, knowing that they had won.

"i hate you." you feel your cheeks getting warm as you fight against a beaming smile, leaning in for a kiss.

[dateless-bar]

The Great Crusade Café | Concept Design

You can just watch the video which has a detailed description as well as the tour. I used Chinese dubbing with English subtitles, so make sure you have the subtitles turned on while watching.

CAFÉ FOR ASTARTES! | Fan Idle Game: The Great Crusade Café Concept Design

The Great Crusade Café

Productivity Tool& Idle Game Fanart Project (Concept Design Only)

Concept design: Gameplay

[Intro & Setting]

When a user first opens the web page, the name The Great Crusade Café will appear. After clicking, you can start by naming the café owner, which is the role you will play.

Then, as the owner, you will be asked to choose the tasks you want to undertake in reality for today. The default name here is John.

The purpose of this web page is to provide users with a leisurely and comfortable café white noise. It allows you to enjoy such an atmosphere whether you are reading or translating WH novels. Additionally, café-themed white noise has been proven by studies to increase efficiency for people. Therefore, you can also use it while working or painting miniature models.

After setting a task, you can officially enter the management of the café within the game. Don't worry, you can change the current task being undertaken at any time, just below the time displayed in the top right corner. And if you feel that the display of time might make you anxious, you can also turn it off in the settings.

[Coffee System]

After today's business starts, you can choose to make a cup of coffee for yourself first. By clicking on the coffee cup under the coffee machine, you can make a cup of your favorite drink for yourself.

Recaff is precisely the coffee beverage commonly found in the "Siege of Terra" series of novels. And various other drinks also have their unique origins.

After deciding which type of coffee to make, we can choose options like the milk to use based on our personal preference.

This will result in a steaming hot cup of coffee.

After each cup of coffee is made, hovering the mouse over the coffee cup icon will start a 2-hour timer. However, after one hour, the steam on the coffee cup will disappear. And when the timer finally reaches zero, you will know that two hours have passed. Setting a 2-hour timer aligns with the time unit of the Pomodoro Technique. If you want to use the web page as an efficiency tool, you can make good use of this feature.

[Character Visiting]

After making a cup of coffee for yourself, naturally, various characters will be attracted to the café and its aroma. They usually greet you directly and place their orders. But sometimes, you will need to guess their preferences based on the characters' personalities. If you have read many related novels, you will have a unique advantage in this aspect.

For example, people from Caliban would drink black tea. Commanders stationed on Terra, on the other hand, prefer bitter coffee, among other things. Additionally, some special drink recipes need to be purchased or unlocked through gifts from characters.

After fulfilling the characters' needs, their Trust will increase.

Subsequently, they often spend some time in the café, and during this period, you can engage in conversation with them. As the Trust increases, the topics they bring up will also vary.

For instance, Loken might talk to you about Mr. Sindermann's lectures, while Argel Tal could bring up his friend Khârn. Ahriman might mention that the café was recommended to him by his human friend Gaumon.

This often unlocks more characters. After all, the café's reputation is always spread by word of mouth among friends.

And some rarer characters, I mean, like a Primarch, might require the trust of everyone in the legion.

After increasing trust levels, besides more conversations and characters, there will also be an important matter.

Once trust levels reach their peak, characters will give you a variety of gifts, including decorative items. For example, members of the Thousand Sons always like to give you various books, regardless of whether you can understand them or not.

But you can use some of them as decorations inside the café.

This can sometimes be key to unlocking rare characters. Of course, you can also purchase various decorations and drink recipes at any time from the itinerant merchant in the upper left corner of the screen.

And if you complete the current task setting and change the task, most of the characters present will express encouragement and approval towards you.

[Bulletin Board & Character Book]

Each character stays for a different amount of time. Many of them are very busy with numerous affairs. However, you can find clues of their visits on the bulletin board.

Almost every customer who has visited the café leaves something behind on this bulletin board. For example, stickers, messages, or even advertisements.

Hovering the mouse over specific items will display detailed explanations and descriptions.

You can also find information about the visitors in the customer notes, where all guest information is recorded.

However, characters that have not yet been unlocked will be displayed as "unsigned".

[Weather System]

Additionally, some sufficiently important characters, if they are very satisfied with your café, they will grant you access rights.

This privilege allows you to open cafés in different areas, such as on battleships, Terra, the Hive cities, and various other places.

As time passes, the ambient light in the café will also change.

This also means that some special characters will only be unlocked at specific times. If you go from noon to night, you can see the nighttime view of the Hive city outside the window. As time progresses from afternoon to night, you can see the nighttime view of the Hive city from the window. And when midnight arrives, the starry sea above the deck will leave you in awe. In the central area of Terra, mornings always face the unchanging snowy mountains.

[Vinyl Records Player]

While running the café, you can always spin your vinyl records. This allows you to change the background music and even import your own favorite tracks. If you don't like the ambient chatter or the sounds of the coffee machine and cups, you can also turn them off here.

The above is a brief instruction for using "The Great Crusade Café".

The project is a purely conceptual design. As Games Workshop does not allow fanart creators to engage in programming or development. It is currently only presented in this form to everyone. It's worth mentioning that this design was inspired by a series of excellent projects, including VA-11 Hall-A, Coffee Talk, I Miss My Cafe, and Neko Atsume, etc. That's also why I chose to use a pixel art style in the project.

At the same time, I'd like to thank the pixel art artists who collaborated with me. Without you, this demo video wouldn't have been possible.

Finally, thank you for watching. If you enjoy research and artistic creations related to the Warhammer theme, feel free to follow my Youtube channel and X.

May your day always start with a great cup of coffee : )

[bidokja]

I was joking a while back that the actor they have playing KDJ for the orv movie was too handsome for him and a friend who's read orv was like "KDJ is actually secretly attractive!!" And I just felt my soul leave my body right then

SIGHS...

Okay. Buckle in. I'm gonna finally actually address and explain and theorize about this whole...thing.

I'm not gonna cite any exact chapters cause it's like 11:30 and I've got an 8 hour drive in the morning but I'll at least make an approximate reference to where certain things are mentioned. Also, this post is just my personal interpretation for a good bit of it, but it's an interpretation I feel very solid about, so do with that what you will. Moving on to the meat of things:

There is one (1) instance in the web novel that I know of which describes specific features of Kim Dokja (especially ones other people notice). This takes place when members of KimCom are trying to make Kim Dokja presentable to give his speech at the Industrial Complex (after it's been plopped down on Earth). This is when they start really paying attention and focusing on Kim Dokja's appearance since they're putting makeup on him; I still don't think they can interpret his whole face, but they can accurately pick out and retain more features than usual. If I remember correctly they reference him having long eyelashes, smooth skin, and soft hair. These features can be viewed as (stereotypically) attractive.

Certain parts of the fandom have taken this scene and run with it at a very surface level, without realizing (or without acknowledging at the very least) that this scene is not about how Kim Dokja looks. This is, in part, due to not realizing or acknowledging why Kim Dokja's face is "censored" in the first place, and what that censoring actually means. I think it's also possible that some people are assuming the censorship works like a physical phenomena rather than an altered perception.

I'll address that last point first. The censorship of Kim Dokja's features is not something as simple as a physical phenomena. It's not a bar or scribble or mosaic over his face. If that were true it'd be very obvious to anyone looking at him that his face is hidden. But his face is not hidden to people. They can look at him and see a face. If they concentrate on his eyes, they can see where he's looking. They know when he's frowning or grinning. They see a face loud and clear. But what face are they seeing? Because it's not really his, whatever they're seeing.

No one quite agrees on what he really looks like. And if they try and think about what he looks like, they can't recall. Or if they do, it's vague, or different each time. We notice these little details throughout the series. Basically, Kim Dokja's face is cognitively obscured. Something - likely the Fourth Wall, though I can't recall if this is ever stated outright - is interfering with everyone's ability to perceive him properly. This culminated in him feeling off to others; and since they don't even realize this is happening, they surmise that he is "ugly."

Moving on to the other point about what the censorship means: To be blunt, the censorship of his face is an allegory for his disconnect from the "story" (aka: real life, and the real people at his side). The lifting - however slight - of this censorship represents him becoming more and more a part of the "story" (aka: less disconnected from the life he is living and the people at his side). The censorship's existence and lifting can represent other things - like dissociation or depersonalization or, if you want to get really meta, the fact that he is all of our faces at once - but that's how I'd sum up the main premise of it. (The Fourth Wall is a larger part of the dissociation allegory, but that's for another post).

So you see, them noticing his individual features isn't about the features. It's not about the features! It doesn't matter at all which features got listed. Because they could describe any features whatsoever and it would not change the entire point of the scene. Because the point isn't what he looks like. The point is that they can truly and clearly see these features. For the first time. They are seeing parts of him for the first time. Re-read that sentence multiple times, literally and metaphorically. What does it mean to see someone as they are?

This is an extremely significant turning point dressed up as a dress-up scene.

---

P.S. / Additionally, I'm of the opinion that Kim Dokja is not handsome, and he is not ugly. He is not pretty, and he is not ghastly. Not attractive, nor unattractive. Kim Dokja isn't any of these things. More importantly, Kim Dokja can't be any of these things. The entire point of Kim Dokja is that you cannot pick him out of a crowd; he is the crowd. He's a reader. He's the reader. Why does he need to be handsome? Why must he be pretty? Why is him being attractive necessary or relevant? He doesn't, he doesn't, it's not. He is someone deeply deeply loved and irreplaceable to those around him, and someone who cannot even begin to recognize or accept that unless it's through a love letter masquerading as a story he can read. He is the crowd, a reader, the reader. He's you, he's me. He's every single one of us.

[illuminatedferret]

So I've been trying to do a bit of detective work regarding the origin of the "E-ming reopens wounds" translation. TL;DR I think it may have come from an early version of Suika's translation, and is likely a mistranslation.

Most translations I could find online (including Deep Dream translation group, several bootleg novel sites that have stolen Suika or Deep Dream's translations, and a couple of machine translations) have that passage in line with the official translation - that simply, E-ming is dangerous, forging it took a cruel ritual, and touching it would have terrible consequences.

I did however find a pdf containing the webnovel chapters 12-43, with the following:

precisely the excerpt I submitted before. At the top of this pdf is a note:

The link in this note leads to a 404 error, but is one that was shared around a lot before the Sevenseas' official release. I found a tumblr post from 2019 which identifies this link as Suika's (now deleted) translation.

https://web.archive.org/web/20200508224041/https://arahir.tumblr.com/post/188476102230/ok-im-an-anon-who-in-the-past-has-asked-you-how

So, it looks like this is a old document of Suika's, and I can only assume the "reopens wounds" thing was a mistranslation that Suika later corrected.

The TGCF epub I have on hand is an amalgamation of sakhyulations' (up to ch 23) and Suika's (ch 24 and beyond) fan translations. Well, it doesn't actually say it's using Suika's work, but, it does link the source of the ch 24+ translations, that being the above google drive link. I'm not sure who made the epub or when it was made, but they must have taken Suika's work before it had been properly edited.

IIRC this was an epub that was circulating tumblr a while back. I don't know how widespread the "reopens wounds" fanon is, but if it's popular on tumblr, I guess this explains why.

Sorry for such a long ask!! I think that covers almost everything I found. Oh, there was one single bootleg novel site that did have the passage:

"The wounds inflicted by the evil sword of E-Ming are all cursed. Even when the wound is healed, if Hua Cheng wants it, it will bleed once more." Jun Wu answered.

which is slightly different from the above passage from that pdf. But I couldn't find any real source for this translation, so I'm thinking it might just be based on the above passage, with words switched around to disguise the fact it's stolen.

wow!!!! don't apologize for the long ask, this is some awesome digging you did!!! thank you SO much for sharing all your hard work!!

E-ming reopening old wounds being a mistranslation of some sort does make more sense to me than anything else, just because it's so specific and yet the official translation makes no mention of it, but it being from one of Suika's earlier translations is interesting. I'm still curious what the original raws read like. I wonder, considering Xie Lian's arm injury doesn't heal without special medicine, if the raw says something about wounds being slow to heal or not closing, and that's where the mistranslation initially occurred.

'E-ming reopening wounds' isn't a fanon I see discussed much, but I've read more than one fic that uses the idea, and I've mentioned it to friends before in the past without anyone questioning it until recently. So, it coming from an old translation that was probably one of the initial ways people read TGCF makes a LOT of sense- people read it, internalized it, and stopped thinking about it when more accurate translations rolled around, while still keeping the idea in their head.

[kuiperblog]

Names as labels (and what I learned from Brandon Sanderson)

There are a lot of writing lessons I’ve learned from reading Brandon Sanderson.

This is true of Sanderson in a way that isn’t true of a lot of other authors, even those that I like (and strive to emulate), and I suspect this is part of what Sanderson is talking when he describes himself as “more craftsman than artist.” If you ask a craftsman, “How did you get that table to support up to 400 lbs when my table can only support 200 lbs,” there are probably very specific answers that they can give you that you can directly incorporate into your own table-building process.  It is significantly harder for a musician to answer a question like “how did you make this song that was so beautiful it made me cry?”

I wish I could write more like Daniel Abraham, but there’s not “one weird trick” that will help you write more like Daniel Abraham. However, if you want to write more like Sanderson, there’s many such specific “tricks” that you, like him, can use to make your writing more effective at communicating information to the reader: Brandon sometimes describes his writing as a sort of “telepathy,” in the sense that he is trying to take a story that exists in his head, and then make that story exist in your head, and a novel is the compression medium that he is using to convey those ideas. Anything that can assist the reader in assembling that story in their head is a plus.

For example, part of the learning curve of any story is learning to attach names on the page to the ideas of characters that we have in our head. A story isn’t just a bunch of ink printed on paper, and a name isn’t just a bunch of letters joined together.

Most of the time, this is trivially easy, especially if the author has done their job properly. Like many rules of writing, it’s something that’s best observed in the breach: if the central characters in your story are Tony, Steve, and Bruce, it’s easier to keep those names separate in our head than names were Jack, Jake, and Joel.

I am unlikely to put “Jason” and “Justin” together in the same story, because as a person named Justin, I know from experience that some people will hear the name “Justin” during an introduction and then later retrieve the name “Jason” from memory when they try to address me. If names are labels for distinct characters that we want to keep separate in our head, it makes sense for those labels to also be distinct enough that the reader won’t mistake one for the other.  Octavia shouldn’t be in a story with an Olivia.

If a character is just named “Octavia,” there are some people who, even in the absence of a similarly-named character, will mislabel her as “Olivia” in their head (much in the same way that people have heard me introduce myself as “Justin” and then stored the name “Jason.”)  I know this to be true, because I am currently publishing a web novel with a character named Octavia, and there have been multiple comments from people referring to her as “Olivia.” And this is fine, because when I read their comment talking about “Olivia,” I know they are actually talking about Octavia, because in my story, the label “Olivia” is unoccupied real estate (and Octavia is free to occupy it if she wishes).

This obviously isn’t true of the real world: if someone calls me Jason, I can’t decide, “Well, it’s okay for you to call me Jason, and in fact in order to remove any ambiguity that you might be addressing me when you say that name, I will go and erase every Jason from existence. Also, I’m erasing all the other people named Justin.” (That’s not only impossible, but even if it was possible, it would be unreasonable for you to expect that I do it, just to make things slightly more convenient for you.) But in the context of a story that I’m writing, I can totally do this. I can go to these “unreasonable” lengths to make things ever so slightly easier for the reader. In fact, it’s trivially easy to pick a distinct moniker for each cast member. Names are abundant, even if I have self-imposed restraints like “don’t let two characters’ names start with the same letter and vowel sound (e.g. Roger and Robert, Crystal and Christine), and "don’t have two names of similar/equal length that end in the same letter and/or phonetic sound” (e.g. Sarah and Clara, Mindy and Tracy, Travis and Jarvis, Jerry and Gary).  

Of course, there’s a corollary to this, which is that insofar as it makes sense to give characters distinctive monikers to keep them as distinct concepts, it also makes sense to give them similar monikers if you want them to be less distinct from each other. (For example, Jack and Jill are joined at the hip. Ditto for Re:Zero’s Rin and Ram.) Even so, I still think this tends to work best when the names are joined by something that’s non-phonetic: for example, Katniss and Primrose are names that evoke flora.  April and May are right next to each other on the calendar.

And what if you have two names for the same character?  It’s a point that seems obvious, but I didn’t realize it until Brandon Sanderson gave me a glaring example:

In Mistborn, when Vin goes undercover to infiltrate noble society, her alias is Valette. This is absurdly easy to keep straight, because these are the only two names in the book that start with V. (And there’s no confusion about which name she uses among her fellow street toughs and which name she uses when she’s pretending to be an aristocrat: Vin is terse, Valette is sophisticated.)

And, in a sense, your “past selves” are distinct from your present self in many ways, except for the ways that they’re not.  (Or as Orwell put it, “what have you in common with the child of five whose photograph your mother keeps on the mantelpiece? Nothing, except that you happen to be the same person.”)

Kaladin, the main viewpoint character in the first book of the Stormlight Archive, went by Kal when he was a kid.  This comes in real handy, because the story is partially told through flashback.  When you have a book that’s 400,000 words long, you’re going to have to put it down at some point and come back to it later, and it’s really helpful if, when you pick up the book after a week-long break, there’s some indicator that makes it completely and unambiguously clear that you’re in a flashback. And indeed, the book offers exactly that: in the childhood flashbacks, you will see the viewpoint character referred to in narration as “Kal” multiple times on every page.

[archivalofsins]

So-

Happy belated birthday to Kotoko Yuzuriha.

She had a very interesting one, right? So, here are my thoughts on her interaction-

Contents warnings for discussions about domestic violence and suicide beneath the cut.

I was talking about how I felt in private about the timeline interaction since yesterday. I didn't really want to give a kneejerk reaction. However, it really sucks to be Mahiru. Everyone is rightfully concerned about Haruka due to his threats to harm himself. However, I have one question in regard to that-

Why would he need to discuss his plan with Kotoko at any point in that process?

In the discussion I had the only valid reason given was to avoid having his death look like anything other than a suicide. However, this is pretty easy to contradict. In the first Milgram novel we read the equivalent of someone committing suicide by cop in a hospital room. Now the novels are not a playbook for how the web series is going to go.

However, both books are an indicator that the staff is well aware of every method one could conceivably commit suicide. Both books cover the concept of self-harm in depth for various reasons. Haruka is not asking Kotoko to assist him in any way in fact it's quite the opposite. He is asking for her to not intervene with what he is going to do.

Now to be frank we all already know how Kotoko feels about the other prisoners. Especially given her second trial CD that came out. However, she's consistently been shown to have a soft spot and respect for Haruka. For reasons that have yet to be illustrated to us.

21/12/15  (Kotoko’s Birthday)

Haruka: Ah…… H-happy birthday, Kotoko-san.

Kotoko: ……thanks. You’ve definitely changed a bit. Do you remember before? You could barely even talk to me. Haruka: I-is that so? Now that you mention it, I, I maybe have got a bit better since then. ……m-maybe I’ve got more used to being around people. There’s other people here who are interested in me, and, um, in particular Mu-san pays a lot of notice to me…… I… I’m enjoying myself here…… Kotoko: ……hmm. It’s just a theory I have right now, but I get the feeling the outcome of Milgram’s judgements are having some influence on our mental state. Well, I only noticed because I happened to be last up though. Good for you, then. This must mean that you’re fine. ……I’ll accept those birthday wishes.

Even going as far to extrapolate on her own observations about Milgram without any actual prodding from him. Something she did not do with the first individual she discussed this situation with.

21/10/24 (Shidou’s Birthday)

Shidou: ……oh, Yuzuriha-kun. It’s unusual so see you around this early. Wishing me a happy birthday…… probably isn’t the what you’re here for, huh.

Kotoko: No, it is. Happy birthday, Shidou. Though it’s not like I bought you a present or anything. But while I’m here, I’d also like to ask you something. Has anything changed for you recently? Having nightmares, hearing voices, feeling anxious…… anything like that. Shidou: Not especially, no. ……ah, so this is about how Kajiyama-kun and Shiina-kun have been strange recently? And she’s been trying to hide it, but Amane too…… We’ve been living in these conditions for a while…… it’s not unusual for there to be an impact on us mentally. Are you worried about them? You’re a very caring person. Kotoko: Hmm, so you noticed? If nothing’s wrong with you, then that’s good. ……if I’ve understood properly, that means you’re safe…. Once again, happy birthday, Kirisaki Shidou.

Despite her conversation with Shidou tentatively confirming her suspicions about Milgram. She decides to not disclose her observations as she willingly chooses to do with Haruka despite his unclear interest in the topic. I don't know if she's behaving this way towards him because she has a soft spot for him or due to her not taking him seriously as a threat.

Add to this Haruka's behavior and statements prior to Kotoko's attacks and well that's when things get interesting-

22/06/22 (Haruka’s Birthday)

Mu: What’s wrong, Haruka-kun? Did something happen? You shouldn’t look away like that when you’re together with me. Haruka: Ah, s-sorry, Mu-san. Um…… No, it’s nothing. I just, suddenly got a feeling. That something is about to happen. Mu: Isn’t that because it’s your birthday? Or perhaps it’s a sign the guard is about to wake up again soon? Fufufu, I bet they’ll be really surprised at a lot of things. Haruka: That, might be true. But, I want the- The guard to see. ……the new, me…….

Then directly after this the attacks happen. That's some convenient timing. Except it's not really, is it?

The entire prison is a panopticon, the cells and rooms go in a full circle. So, much so that in Es' voice drama the cells are referred to as times on a clock. From one to midnight. In that sort of set up and being as out in the open all the time as Mu and Haruka are stated to have been by multiple prisoners.

Well, it's not out of bounds to believe he saw Kotoko preparing and said nothing about it. It's a good reason for her to be so accommodating when it comes to being asked to look the other way herself now. We know from her voice drama what cooperation is to her. It's being able to do the things the other can't. So, the fact that she's agreeing to cooperate at all in any capacity means there is something she can get out of it by cooperating.

Which already shoots the idea of this being a suicide out of the water because if it was that- Would such an idea really illicit this response from Kotoko?

Kotoko Birthday TL Translation (12/15/2023)

Haruka: ...Please, be quiet about this. And you, please don't get involved. All I can do is ask this of you... Kotoko: Fufufu, fufufufufu. You're thinking some outrageous things. To be frank, it's abnormal. But I don't dislike it. If only all sinners were like you. Haruka: No... That's not it... I don't mean it that way... This isn't for me... it's to protect... so, Kotoko-san... please... Kotoko: Eh? Yes, yes. Well, I promise not to interfere with your plans. Even though I'd like to do it myself, I'll leave it to you. What happens after that... depends on Es, doesn't it?

To be frank like Kotoko, I don't believe she would give one's rat's ass about what Haruka does to himself and neither would Milgram. It's been illustrated (again in the novels) that the prisoners can self-harm within the facility. Also, that they can partake in self-harming behavior during the trial.

Again, the novel isn't a playbook for how the web series goes but Jackalope plainly states to Es and the audience the only restriction during the trials is the prisoners cannot fight each other. Never adding on any other restrictions to this.

We also see the characters partaking in harmful behavior towards themselves over the course of the trial be it mentally or physically. Like Milgram wasn't stopping Haruka from holing himself up in his room and not eating. The only person who intervened with that was Mu. So, honestly if he was worried about Kotoko interrupting his attempt he has the perfect time to do it right now as she cannot attack him as the trials are still going on and he is free to do whatever he wants to himself.

I'm not trying to be crass or dismissive of his threats of self-harm. Suicide ideation is a real issue and can cause great harm to an individual. However, there's a difference between threatening to harm yourself in order to protect another person/get something and actually facing this very serious and severe mental health issue.

What Haruka did is a manipulative tactic that people in all sorts of relationships use to get what they want. Validating that with his desired response would have been morally incorrect in my opinion.

This behavior is incredibly bad and emotionally manipulative full stop regardless of how much I like Haruka as a character. Takeaway here is never let someone else purposely leverage their physical wellbeing against you to get their way. Yes, you feel like the bad guy if they do it, but you aren't obligated to do things you don't want to or are uncomfortable with to avoid a threat, they put on themselves.

That's not how that works. That's just manipulation. Doing what Haruka did in this trial is a form of domestic violence. Here's some sources on the behavior-

What to Do If an Abuser Threatens Suicide

When Your Partner Threatens Suicide

How to Deal with Coercive Suicide Threats

As someone who has personally struggled with suicide ideation and depression. As well as someone who has had the above done to them several times by multiple parties it feels incredibly disrespectful and gross to have this sort of manipulation legitimized in any way. However, it makes sense that it's being legitimized. Because that's the point of making coercive threats like these.

The point is expecting the other person to be better than you so much so that'd they'd want to do anything to avoid having another person be hurt or die. The point is going prove you care more about me than your personal beliefs, security, emotion and physical health. Then if you say no I'm not doing that you're the bad guy, you're the uncaring heartless piece of shit that'd rather hurt two people by voting one guilty at the expressed expense of another's life then just forgive another person.

I forgave Haruka because I understand how he got here and empathize with that. However, that does not change the fact that what he did is textbook domestic violence and manipulation tactics. And it's so fucked up that people are still going if he does anything it's our faults when no it's his fucking choice nobody forced him to make that threat. That is a reflection of his character.

Furthermore, as shown through this if he wanted to, he could have by now. No one can stop him during the course of the trial. If he was worried about it not looking like a suicide because Kotoko attacks him well, she fucking can't right now. This is actually the best time to do that not during the intermission where the chances of it appearing ambiguous are highest.

Sooo what does this timeline mean?

Well...

It means exactly what it meant the last time he pulled a I think something is going to happen right before someone else's birthday.

22/06/27 (Amane’s Birthday)

Kazui: What’s up, Shidou-kun? You’re looking pretty down. I guess you must be tired, I’ve been relying on you a lot lately. Shidou: Yeah, I just remembered…… today is Amane’s birthday. I’m just getting a bit sentimental. Kazui: Hmm, it’s unfortunate, but at the moment we can’t worry about that. ……you understand, right? There’s something that you need to do right now. And if you tried talking to her your words definitely won’t reach her. Don’t look at me like that. We’ll just wait until the situation changes. Let’s do our best. Shidou: Yeah. I’ll do what I can. I can’t have a child making a face like that. Even though we’re “murderers”…… we’re also the adults here.

Everyone is here rightfully worried about Haruka. It's human instinct to just jump to tunnel vision onto the easiest threat to perceive. However, the audience only perceived this threat because he made it. He continued to make it during all of trial two. That doesn't mean he has the intent to follow through and it's a disservice to people who have actually been manipulated in this fashion and those who actually struggle with suicidal throughts to have their experiences and struggles compared to someone acting in such an overtly manipulative way.

Especially someone who very clearly stated these things for all to see-

The fact that he talked to Kotoko and asked her not to interfere with what he was going to do only cements that for me. Because the only thing that Kotoko cares about that she would interfer with or come into conflict with someone about are people interfering with her self-given job of prison deputy.

Meaning if someone were to do what she considers to be her job or intervenes with it they will immediately come into conflict with her. Regardless of whether they are Innocent or Guilty. She is then going to have an issue with that person even if it does not escalate to violence.

Something shown here-

22/08/05 (Kazui’s Birthday)

Kotoko: ……Mukuhara Kazui. Thanks to you, I wasn’t able to properly serve justice to those who did something unforgivable. I’m currently acting as an agent for our prison guard Es. Don’t get in my way next time. Kazui: Oi oi, don’t be silly, Yuzuriha-chan. There’s no way I could just look away from your outrageous display of violence. Anyway, even disregarding the fact violence against those voted guilty isn’t a part of Milgram’s system, what you’re doing is just acting recklessly based on a broad interpretation. As long as I’m free myself, I’ll stop you. Kotoko: ……what a pointless argument. Hmph. Since Es forgives you, I have no choice but to forgive you myself too. If you to keep to your words, then you’d best do what you can to keep being forgiven. If you’re not, then next time you’ll be one of my targets. Kazui: Oh, how scary. That girl truly is frightening. ……well then, I wonder what the guard will decide to do with me. That’s the one thing I really can’t make out. Honestly……

Attacking the prisoners she's meant to be in charge of while Es is asleep would technically be stepping into her territory or trying to take her postion. Something that would immediately have her and whoever tries it come to blows regardless of verdict. So, him talking to her at all about not interfering with whatever he has planned is already incredibly suspicious and makes me severely doubt it has anything to do with harming himself or harming himself only.

Ultimately this timeline could mean a lot of things and only highlighting a threat Haruka put on himself is exactly why he put that threat there to begin with. It's difficult to think of him hurting someone else when he's already very vocally committed to harming himself if a certain outcome was not given to him.

Yet instead of highlighting the audience not taking that threat seriously in a told you so way now. It's important to recognize the fact that the threat existed and was one he made at all speaks volumes about the sort of character he is. regardless of if you like him or not. It's important to recognize that people who do this to get their way are emotionally neglectful and harmful to those around them and such behavior should not be incentivized/rewarded ever.

Either way whatever Haruka has planned is going to be interesting and may not be happening on Mahiru's birthday since trial two won't have closed by then and if he is planning to attack another prisoner, he cannot do it before the end of the trial. Which is why he's planning ahead by discussing things with Kotoko so far in advance.

However, that's just my interpretation of everything that has occurred so far. I could be wrong, and it could just be about him doing that. Still doesn't change the fact this is a very awkward timeline interaction to come up right before Mahiru's (a person who has only gotten sicker and sicker over the course of trial two) birthday.

So, here's hoping Mahiru has a decent birthday next year.

[best-underrated-anime]

Best Underrated Anime Group G Round 4: Snow White with the Red Hair vs No. 6

#G7: Snow White with the Red Hair (Akagami no Shirayuki-hime)

A romance between a prince and a herbalist

#G5: No.6

Sheltered city boy meets outlaw and learns dark truth about the city

Details and poll under the cut!

#G7: Snow White with the Red Hair (Akagami no Shirayuki-hime)

Summary:

Although her name means “snow white,” Shirayuki is a cheerful, red-haired girl living in the country of Tanbarun who works diligently as an apothecary at her herbal shop. Her life changes drastically when she is noticed by the silly prince of Tanbarun, Prince Raji, who then tries to force her to become his concubine. Unwilling to give up her freedom, Shirayuki cuts her long red hair and escapes into the forest, where she is rescued from Raji by Zen Wistalia, the second prince of a neighboring country, and his two aides. Hoping to repay her debt to the trio someday, Shirayuki sets her sights on pursuing a career as the court herbalist in Zen’s country, Clarines. Akagami no Shirayuki-hime depicts Shirayuki’s journey toward a new life at the royal palace of Clarines, as well as Zen’s endeavor to become a prince worthy of his title. As loyal friendships are forged and deadly enemies formed, Shirayuki and Zen slowly learn to support each other as they walk their own paths.

Propaganda:

This is my absolute favourite romance anime of all time. The characters are delightful, and the romance is well-paced, with plenty of healthy communication between the two leads. The story never feels boring, managing to pull off both gentle slice of life and exciting adventures with ease. It features gorgeous animation by Studio Bones and a lovely soundtrack.

Trigger Warnings: None.

#G5: No.6

Summary:

Many years ago, after the end of a bloody world war, mankind took shelter in six city-states that were peaceful and perfect… at least on the surface. However, Shion—an elite resident of the city-state No. 6—gained a new perspective on the world he lives in, thanks to a chance encounter with a mysterious boy, Nezumi. Nezumi turned out to be just one of many who lived in the desolate wasteland beyond the walls of the supposed utopia. But despite knowing that the other boy was a fugitive, Shion decided to take him in for the night and protect him, which resulted in drastic consequences: because of his actions, Shion and his mother lost their status as elites and were relocated elsewhere, and the darker side of the city began to make itself known.

Now, a long time after their life-altering first meeting, Shion and Nezumi are finally brought together once again—the former elite and the boy on the run are about to embark on an adventure that will, in time, reveal the shattering secrets of No. 6.

Propaganda 1:

Ever watched a show that was obviously adapted from something, and you feel like there must be more to it? Such shows are often obvious to spot—My Happy Marriage, Pandora Hearts, Mekakucity Actors, etc. They present to us a unique plot with great worldbuilding, yet while watching, it always feels like it falls short somewhere. The characters aren’t that developed, plot points don’t seem to connect, side characters aren’t given much attention, etc. So much missed potential, and you can’t help but lament it.

No.6 is another one of such shows. I haven’t read the original novel, but as an avid web novel reader, I could just feel that there is so much more to it than the anime lets on. The mystery is intriguing, the world is complex, and the budding relationship between the two main characters felt natural and relevant (No.6 has a shounen ai subplot, by the way).

Overall, the anime managed a coherent plot, and I still like it. But after watching, you’ll be left unsatisfied. It keeps you wanting for more. Keeps you searching for answers. But despite this, I believe it’s worth a shot. Whether you vote for it or not, try watching it anyway.

Propaganda 2:

It's a suspenseful science fiction that has a unique take on class issues using the setting of a world post apocalypse. It crafts a unique world with incredible characters you want to succeed. The relationship that develops between the two mains is a heartwarming respite in the cold world they inhabit. The mystery of the show keeps the audience entertained and on the edge of their seat.

Trigger Warnings: Body Horror, Genocide, Graphic Depictions of Cruelty/Violence/Gore, Implied Child Abuse, Guns, Humans being treated like objects, Sexual assault on a supporting character, Mentions of prostitution

When reblogging and adding your own propaganda, please tag me @best-underrated-anime so that I’ll be sure to see it.

If you want to criticize one of the shows above to give the one you’re rooting for an advantage, then do so constructively. I do not tolerate groundless hate or slander on this blog. If I catch you doing such a thing in the notes, be it in the tags or reblogs, I will block you.

Know one of the shows above and not satisfied with how it’s presented in this tournament? Just fill up this form with your revisions, and I’ll consider adapting those changes.

New: Starting round 5, screenshots will be included in the poll post. You can submit screenshots through the form linked above, or through here, via ask or dm.

Guidelines in submitting screenshots:

No NSFW or spoilery images.

Pick some good images please. Don’t send any blurry or pixelated ones.

You may send up to 9 screenshots, but not all may be used.

[pocketmau5]

“Never Satisfied” being discontinued feels like the end of an era for me.

Specifically web comics with privately hosted sites. All the webcomics I read at that time of its production are all “dead” now: Monster Pop by Maya Kern, Monsterkind by Enenkay/Taylor C, Cucumber Quest by GiGi, Paranatural by Zack, and I thought Sakana was gonna be but it came back after a 3 year hiatus. (There are more, but I can’t remember their names. There is one where I distinctly remember the alt text on a page saying how another artist “lovingly redlined Avery’s ass”) A lot of newer comics are hosted on apps, like webtoons, now. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I think it’s convenient that they are all here together, but I do miss how incredibly personalized and charming browser experience each comic had. It’s just kinda odd to feel the passage of time and how things change in this way

Majority of the comic artists I follow have shifted away from comics and instead have taken to writing novels because they hell of a lot easier. Which is great for them and I definitely encourage doing whatever it takes for your mental and physical health. I think having the ability to write novels are an incredible skill and feat in of itself! However, I can’t help but feel a bit dejected. Because of my reading disability and vision impairments, I can’t enjoy these stories when they are converted from a comic into written form. It’s difficult for me to read walls of text, and even harder for me to retain it. Even typing this is difficult. I just have to pray that I didn’t make any typos and that this shit is actually coherent! And since these books are all very small productions, none of them are on audible so I can’t even listen to it. Sure, there is text to talk, but BOY is it hard for me to retain anything I’ve heard when the Stephen Hawking synthesizer is reading to me. Maybe it’s the cadence? Regardless, a lot of the comics I listed above have an ending written out that I will never be able to know of because I suck at reading. Hell! I’d be more willing to “tough it out” and struggle for long periods of time, but reading fatigues me something fierce. I got maybe 5 minutes max before I have go lay down. I don’t even get to retain what I read either! I just get exhausted, and I’m useless for the rest of the day.

For some reason, comics don’t seem to do that. I have absolutely no idea why. It is the only written media I can consume with ease. All I know is that I hate it, and it fucking sucks to be this way. If I know how I could fix it, I would. But so far, nothing seems to do anything,

I know it’s selfish of me, but I am curious if artists would be more inclined to finish a project if there was better system for comic artists. Of the comic artists I have followed years ago and still continue to make comics usually have a partner that they work with. Perhaps if there could be some kind of business platform where there was a team of artists working on an idea, like what they do with animations. ….However, considering how underpaid and overworked artists in general are, I’m sure the only improvement would be the rate of production. I know that is especially bad in other countries. They overwork and underpay their employees, which doesn’t really help resolve burnout, the whole issue I’m trying to address. Not that I have any right to say anything on the matter. My stupid ass can’t make more than 6 pages of a webcomic before hitting an art block.

Unrelated, but something I think is kinda funny is how many artists and comic artists I follow that have come out as trans within the last couple of years. In hindsight, it is probably why I liked and connected to their work so much.

[snailsgoingdowntown]

So I'm rereading Under the oak tree and like so far, imo, maxi brings out both the worst and the best in Riftan. I have never read the web novels, just the Webtoon, so idk how he is in the novel, especially since there is one from his pov, so I can only take guesses of how he thinks from the Webtoon.

But yeah, he's too much so far, I kinda forgot how he gets later on, but rn I feel like he's too much, especially when he doesn't attempt to get to know maxi and at the same time maxi doesn't try to get to know him (ch. 19). If memory serves correct, they do that later on in the Webtoon, I think.

I have seen spoilers for the novels though so I am aware that Riftan hasn't had an easy life and obviously, neither has maxi. So I try not to get irritated too much when I see how... Awkward they are around each other (ch. 19 so far) if sex is not involved. But it makes sense, especially when they haven't seen each for like, 3 years, and how shitty her dad is to the point he still kept her so she couldn't go to Antol (???). So it's understandable why they don't understand each other, but it's frustrating that they only make small attempts to (ch. 19)

Ik I'm a broken record at this point, but I want to make it clear that I understand. It's frustrating nevertheless, because as the reader, we know what's going on, what maxi is thinking since its from her pov. We're not the characters so it's a bit harder to understand where they are coming from, since again, we are seeing everything (or mostly everything, I kinda want to see Riftan out and about) and they don't.

Their trauma shaped them into the way they are, and it's because of that I try to like, not quite the Webtoon in rage, but I want to see it through.

But yes, another thing I don't understand is how... High the kings hold Riftan when he's kinda... Harsh on them. And I do like how he stands up for maxi whenever one of them (specifically that blonde guy who's name I forgot) just shitted on her. HOWEVER, What I don't like is how Riftan just... Interrupted her when she was about to stand up for herself. I only remember this part because of how irritating it was to see it, and I understand why Riftan reacted the way he did, but jfc that actually made me mad. I like how he did that, but it was at the cost of Maxi showing the authority she has (if I remember everything correctly anyway, I could easily be wrong about everything after ch. 19)

Also, something I don't like, but kinda understand, is how Riftan never asked maxi, properly, why she wasn't in his land for 3 years. Or asked if her father was involved in it or anything like that, he just kinda assumed she didn't want to be there. Like bro, you see the nervous mess that is your wife, why aren't you having a conversation with your wife (ch. 19)

But yeah, that's my thoughts so far.

Anyway, maxi is precious and Ruth is sexy and a positive influence on Maxi. Better then Riftan, because he's not obsessed with her, and wants to help her improve because she wants and needs to improve while Riftan just accepts her as is which would be fine, but he chooses to ignore/just is very oblivious about her mannerisms because he's just so in love/obsessed with her.

[gingersnapwolves]

Hello,

I used to follow your website at the dawn of the century even you wrote with Karasu. I'm not sure what happened between you two and it's not my intention to bring up any bad business, however I was just wondering if your original works were still floating around somewhere where I could read them again. To be honest as a (at the time) young gay man trying to find a way to come to terms with myself and life, your stories were an honest breath of fresh air. Not many people were doing gay stories let alone inventive and well written ones, so they hold a special place in my heart. I recall you were trying to get Touch the Sky published and I had always tried to keep an eye out for it in book communities and Amazon. Were you successful and I missed it? I would love to read your original works from back then again if possible.

Thank you,

J

This is such a sweet ask, I really appreciate it! What a long time ago that was. I have some good news and some medium news for you...

Firstly, no worries about bad situations because Karasu and I are actually married now! We'll be celebrating our seventh anniversary later this year. She's not online as much as she used to be because of real life stuff, and we don't write together that much anymore but she still helps me plan all my stories.

The original stuff we wrote back then isn't technically up anymore. Our old livejournal (knkfics.livejournal.com) is still functional but it's friends-locked due to a plagiarism incident and I can't add more friends to it because they limited the number for free accounts. Our own website went down a long time ago. That being said, if you use the Wayback Machine, you can still get to some of it here (https://web.archive.org/web/20050211232749/http://www.fatalistic.net/knkfics/original.html). Just please keep in mind for anyone who clicks that link that this is stuff I wrote almost twenty years ago, mostly when I was in college, and it's not up to the standard of what I post today lol.

As for Touch the Sky, we started rewriting it but never finished. There was a lot going on back then, we wrote a LOT of different things and that one just never found an end we were satisfied by.

That being said, I do have some published novels now, although they are self-published, and they are queer as hell! If you like werewolves, you can find my werewolf series here, and if you're more of a dragon person, you can find the links to those books on my sidebar. Neither seriers is finished yet but I swear they will be someday!

It's so heartwarming to know that my stories were important to you, and I really hope your life is going well! Enjoy reading!

[manuscripts-dontburn]

The Morning Gift

Author: Eva Ibbotson

First published: 1993

Rating:  ★★★★☆

I adored this story! A romance born on the eve of WW2, that holds the foreboding but still shows you that people still lived their lives and had their hopes. I was happy to note that for once the main female character of Ibbotson´s is not a sheer perfection (this girl has actually some issues to go through), though I admit I could still do without the comically evil rival (it would have been so much more interesting if there actually at least appeared a possibility the other girl might succeed). But all in all, especially because of the last third of the book, I thought this was a well-crafted romance with some, perhaps cheesy, but well-used tropes. Just, for the love of god, DO NOT listen to this as an audiobook recorded by Kate Lock, who insisted on using a fake German accent and squeaky voice for the main character, making her sound like a stupid child of 10. (And that is not the only horrible thing she does to the selected characters).

Jane, the Fox & Me

Author: Fanny Britt

First published: 2012

Rating: ★★★★☆

A beautifully executed graphic novel in which the story somewhat fizzles out and feels unfinished, definitely could have been longer and yet I rate it quite high simply because it hit me like a train. I was not a fat kid but all my life I felt I was, even if in my case there was no bullying. I felt this little girl´s pain deeply.

The Witches: Salem, 1692

Author: Stacy Schiff

First published: 2015

Rating: ★★★☆☆

I think Stacy Schiff is an excellent historian and has an extremely readable style of writing. I also think she has done a stupendous job putting this mammoth project together, but I need to agree with those who complain about the density and slowness of the text. It is next to impossible to keep track of the names and the accusations/descriptions of the alleged witchcraft are so similar (or completely the same) that it is very taxing to keep up. I am not sure whether I should be complaining though, because, after all, I DID want a book about these events and I got it. I would recommend an audiobook though, makes it easier to get through.

The Clockmaker's Daughter

Author: Kate Morton

First published: 2018

Rating: ★★★★☆

This is a story of a house and people connected to it in an intriguing web of connections. It spans from the 1860s to the modern day, not always in chronological order, and I must say that Kate Morton managed to jump through the timelines quite effortlessly. There is a great number of characters but I had no problems following who was who, though admittedly some of the timelines were less interesting than the others (notably and predictably for me I enjoyed the modern one the least). I also had trouble when some things, already revealed to the reader, were "revealed" again. The main voice is that of a ghost (trust me, this is not a spoiler), and while I did not mind it, I also believe the book would have been stronger had that been completely committed and we only got to know that particular character from the other stories it touches. Even after all that I have to say I was surprised at how easy this was to read (it IS a chunker) and how much I enjoyed it.

A Face Like Glass

Author: Frances Hardinge

First published: 2012

Rating: ★★★☆☆

I adore the fact that Frances Hardinge does not talk down to children, because this is undeniably a middle-grade book, but does not shy from some pretty heavy stuff. However perhaps I have read too much Frances Hardinge at this point because I tend to really like/be intrigued by the start of her books, her world-building and her unique ideas, but then it all became too much with this one and I was impatient for the story to be over.

Brigid of Kildare

Author: Heather Terrell

First published: 2009

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

I am sad to report that this book was kind of a mess. The historical bits would have been just fine on their own, even if I had wanted a little more depth, many a time I felt like we were merely dipping our toes into the fascinating story of Brigid. But then the author decided to weave in a "mystery" set in modern times and those chapters, apart from being unnecessary to the story, felt just tedious to the point I was considering skipping them altogether. A bummer.

When Women Were Dragons

Author: Kelly Barnhill

First published: 2022

Rating: ★★★☆☆

As long as it was a family tragedy infused with the elusive and unexplained, I was enjoying this book quite a lot. But then, in its second half, it becomes too wordy, too idealistic, too uninteresting.

The Silent Unseen

Author: Amanda McCrina

First published: 2022

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

The good thing: the topic, even if you have read loads of WW2 books, is an unusual one. The bad thing: the story is extremely weak (walking and talking do not an intriguing narrative make), the characters shallow, the motivations extremely basic, the romance needless and not particularly well done. No matter how many betrayals posing as shocking twists you cram into the last third, you cannot make me invested in this.

Charlotte's Web

Author: E.B.White

First published: 1952

Rating: ★★★★☆

As a non-UK and non-US child, I have never read this book when I was its target audience. I picked it up now more for the super cute edition than anything else. And indeed throughout I kept thinking: sure, it´s cute. But is it that great? And then I got kicked in the guts by that friggin ending.

Emily Wilde's Map of the Otherlands

Author: Heather Fawcett

First published: 2024

Rating: ★★★★★

Just as enjoyable and delightful as the first volume! I love the tone, the language, and the romance (I am SHIPPING Emily and Wendell so hard), it can be both touching and humorous at the same time. Cannot wait for the conclusion of this series which so far I find to be one of the most joyous literary events in years.

The Great Mortality: An Intimate History of the Black Death, the Most Devastating Plague of All Time

Author: John Kelly

First published: 2005

Rating: ★★★★☆

The Black Death epidemic of the 14th century remains one of the most gruesomely fascinating events in European history and I dare say this book is a very accessible, informative and well-organized study of it. It is strictly chronological, leading you in the steps of the disease, and adding stories and explanations that make it all less clinical and more humanly tragic. Just perhaps the ending sounds way too much like "but in the end it was a good thing" felt like a very, very weird conclusion.

Psyche and Eros

Author: Luna McNamara

First published: 2023

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

I finished this book out of spite more than anything else. The myth of Psyche and Reos may just be my favourite of all the Greek myths, unfortunately instead of crafting it into something fresh and memorable Luna McNamara tried her hand at mixing every Greek myth you have ever heard of and made Psyche insufferable during the process for good measure. It is not even subtle mixing, instead, she goes full Marvel Universe of Greek gods on you, twisting the story to incredible lengths just to cram more of the mythology into her book. I would also say that the original myth takes quite a beating in this reimagining, being stripped of much that made it so appealing to me as a reader. Sometimes less is more.

A Middle-Earth Traveller: Sketches from Bag End to Mordor

Author: John Howe

First published: 2018

Rating: ★★★★★

Beautifully executed "sketchbook". It would seem that while Alan Lee was more concerned with the Elven stuff, John Howe focused on Dwarves, Orcs and the more gritty parts we saw in the movies. There are, however, also illustrations from the Silmarillion included. I would imagine this is a perfect book to take with you outside, where you can sit under a tree and just leaf through, dreaming of Middle-Earth.

[theeccentricraven]

If you are joining NaNoWriMo at the last minute, read this first...

I've been preparing for NaNoWriMo for about four months now. I have my outlines, profiles, and world development in place. Even with all of my planning, I know I'll still discover a lot of the story as I write. Sometimes I see comments throughout the web along the lines of "I'm joining NaNoWriMo at the last minute. I'm kinda scared. Should I be worried?" For the most part, I say welcome on board. You're never too late to join. Last minute joiners are the most pansty of all pansters. As a planster, I say you can succeed as either panster, planner, or in between.

However, recently I realized a reason to be careful about joining at the last minute. Sometimes a comment may be along the lines of, "I don't even have any ideas for NaNoWriMo."

I will say it out right: You should only join and write if you are passionate about your idea.

I personally don't agree with writing for writing's sake, that is, for the motive, "I want to write/participate because I like the idea of being a writer" or "I want to write because it sounds something cool people do". Unfortunately, things aren't likely to turn out well for you if that's the case.

The key to succeed at NaNoWriMo, a writing career, or writing in general is to have passion. You need to be passionate about your idea. You need to feel like it's your calling. You need to feel like the world depends on you to tell this story. You have to feel like you are dying to tell this story.

Not joking.

Writing is hard. Most people who try to be writers fail for that reason. It can be stressful and keep you up at night. NaNoWriMo prepares you for the life of a writer. It helps get you to learn to spend more time writing and to focus. You aren't likely to be willing to go through it if you aren't passionate about your idea.

Regarding my NaNo 2023 project, "The Blood Cleaners" I'm madly passionate about this story and my main character Justin. I got the idea clear back when I was working as a custodian and got an idea for a story where special powers were needed to clean up blood. I worked on various WIP's until I abandoned my writing for nearly a decade. Thankfully, I'm back to writing now. I remembered my old idea and how I would regret to never let it take fruition. I know this will be hard and a lot of obstacles are ahead. I am ready to face them head on because of how important it is to me.

So if you realize you aren't passionate about your idea nor NaNoWriMo, you have options. It depends on what you feel is best for you. You could go ahead and try and see how it works for you. Some people might write 10,000 words, 7,00 words, or 500 words before realizing, "This isn't for me" and stopping. This is ok. You often don't know until you try. If you decide to go on and write the 50,000 words then go for it! If you feel you'd be happier writing something other than a novel, that's great. NaNoWriMo does support using that time to write poetry, non-fiction, screenplays, or other mediums instead. You could also instead use the time to work on outlining your idea if you want to write it but just don't feel ready yet. You can also pick up another worthy project. Cooking, baking, painting, crochet, music composition, sports, etc. are all good things.

In the end, if you are passionate about your idea, don't feel scared to join NaNoWriMo at the last minute. Your passion will take ahold of you and help you overcome obstacles. If nothing else, NaNoWriMo will help you learn what to do in the future, wherever your passion lies.

Photo by Ospan Ali on Unsplash.

[bethanydelleman]

Heyy! Hope you are doing well :) I'm currently in a reading slump and trying to make it through Emma (hopefully I will be successful 🤞) so I wanted to ask you what is your favourite/accurate Emma adaptation?

I don't know if you have ever talked about it so 🤷🏻‍♀️

(Also really like your account 💛)

Emma is actually my least favourite of the Austen novels and I also find it very dense. The first time I read it I was unimpressed. My last readthrough I tried an audio book and that helped immensely, especially with the Miss Bates parts. But best of luck to you! I hope you get over your slump. Also, thank you ❤️.

I'm going to go through all the Emma adaptations I've seen in order of goodness just for fun:

My favourite adaptation is Emma. 2020, I could watch it on repeat. As a movie, it seems to really love the source material. However, they did make a few significant changes especially at the end to make it more palatable to a modern audience. Emma actually apologizes to Robert Martin and invites Harriet's father to Hartfield. However, I feel that it really captures the snobby side of Emma well and her growth through the novel. Mr. Elton is really well done too. Mr. Knightley is both the right age and he sings! Oh and Mr. Woodhouse is played as more sprightly but still eccentric.

Emma 1996 (Kate Beckinsale) is pretty good. Beckinsale is one of my favourite actresses, though I think she's gotten better over time. The biggest issue is a line added at the end of Mr. Knightley holding Emma as a baby which is just ew, why did you do that screenwriter??? Great Mrs. Elton though.

Emma 1972 is kind of weird and includes a lot of non-Austen dialogue, but it has the best Harriet. She looks exactly like she should and she is always saying, "Yes, Miss Woodhouse." in this schoolgirl voice. Emma actually beginning to dictate the letter to Robert Martin for Harriet is *chef's kiss* But I didn't really like Emma herself in that version and it adds dialogue and scenes. It's free on Youtube by the way.

I don't like Emma 2009 very much even though it is fairly faithful. They create this strange false equivalency between Frank, Jane, and Emma; Emma even thanks her father once for not sending her away! It was bizarre because the dynamic is actually that Mr. Woodhouse could never survive without Emma. I also just found it so boring! I'm not sure why. I did not find Romola Garai elegant at all, which Emma is obsessed with. The word "elegant" appears 28 times in Emma and no more than 14 times in any other novel...

I really dislike Emma 1996 (Gwyneth Paltrow). I find Emma far too sweet and Mr. Knightley ACTUALLY POUTS, which is insane. Behold!

Also, Mrs. Weston's baby is hardly shown and I have a whole thing for Mrs. Weston's baby.

Clueless. I mention it last because it's a modernization, but man did they get it right. Cher embodies the spirit of Emma so well! It is a delight. 10/10. Highly recommend. Paul Rudd too.

Those are all the adaptations I have seen. I have not seen Aisha or the web series versions.

And for the record, I like the nosebleed.

[himi-wiz]

Hehe

Chuuya for bingo! <3

(And Dazai, if you want to.)

YOU. YOU HAD TO HUH.

Definitely don't know you anon. And therefore I can lie about it but here we go:

Dazai —

Interesting lad in the most atrocious manner possible. Admittedly I still needed to read the novels but I think Dazai is an odd character which I've never quite gotten completely even from the start of my initial bsd phase at 2014-2015. Now I'm as old as him (which is bizarre to think about) and I get what's going on, I still don't think I'll ever quite grasp what's in his head. He has this apathy and intelligence I will never take hold of as someone who understands that I am extremely an ordinary individual and chooses to remain so — being oblivious and normal — for fear that I would turn out to be as isolated as he is.

I think it's terrifying.

To be too smart and think too much of yourself, to realise you're never going to be normal for you will always reason a way out of your greatest passions and your worst nightmares. And therefore you never truly fear anything nor could you truly love something wholeheartedly either. How could you when you can't trust in anything?

I am fond of the irl author, Mr. Dazai Osamu's dedication to his work of No Longer Human which I did read through ages ago and encounter some memorable quotes. But it's only rather recently I was able to fully comprehend the sheer terror it brings as the protagonist Yozo elaborates on the despair of understanding one's role in life is inevitably meaningless, akin to an insect realising its doom to fall prey to fate in a web full of lies.

Whenever I was asked what I wanted my first impulse was to answer "Nothing." The thought went through my mind that it didn't make any difference, that nothing was going to make me happy.

— No Longer Human, Dazai Ozamu

And I only have pity for such a being that is unable to unlearn that despair or at the very least, be able to stop, condense and move forward with these thoughts and live with them.

Our BSD Dazai however is given a chance to do so unlike Yozo thanks to Odasaku and it brings a fond affection to see him trying his best. I hope he does find his way and learns to enjoy the difficult journey stumbling around in life. But at the same time, it'll be foolish of me to presume just because he's moving towards the light, Dazai's darkness and general sense of dissatisfaction with people and life would change.

Dazai is not kind, he is not gentle, he's inconsiderate, deplorable, utterly wretched nuisance of a man who can and will use you if he decides it's worthwhile for him to do so, otherwise he has little interest in you even if he can sees through all your struggles and how he could help you, he wouldn't, certainly not intuitively desire so.

And I much prefer that viewpoint for it's more remarkable that Dazai is choosing when he does good. And how he's actively trying to be the side that reaches out to someone else and be there for them. To let himself be tied to people he feels isolated from and be vulnerable enough to take bets and place his trust on the Armed Detective Agency (and Chuuya and Akutagawa) so he could save lives he honestly doesn't care much for. How fascinating.

And so when fans do brush that darkness aside, I can be mildly peeved. But hey, it's still valid and okay to have some fun with just comfort and softness of just wishing happiness for a character you like. It can hard to decipher these layers if you don't know where to look too. Or perhaps am I reading too deep into this? Who knows. Asagiri sure has a way of writing nuances like these and it's so delightful to unpack them.

I still don't understand Dazai on a fundamental level.

That is more of my fault as I am someone who both emotionally and socially impaired so much that I use myself as a medium to "empathise" with people. I merely mimick emotions — like I don't feel sad if someone lost a loved one, I 'force' myself to feel bad if I am that person, I play out the scenario of losing something precious to me and I take that sadness to apply it to the person.

That's how I can predict people well enough, aside from those who are far too passionate in an ideal or passion I can't understand like Kunikida, those who learn to hate everything, and those who comprehend the reasons why they hate and shift to a complete apathy, able to pinpoint all the ways they're wrong — ways they don't fit, they aren't human enough, but are ultimately far too timid and cowardly to work on why they are outsiders and maintain a distance for it's far safer this way.

Dazai is still that person who's terrified of attachment and rejection, still struggling to believe in people more than he trusts his mind and vision of the world around him. And he appears to be doing his best, so perhaps I would fall in love with his character a little more when I finish rereading No Longer Human, the dark era stuff and other bsd side stories.

For now let's see how he'll end up.

Chuuya—

I refuse to elaborate on him.

Suffer anon.