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cazimagines · 3 years

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From the smut list “I’m going to f*ck you until you beg me to stop” for Andrea and a male reader please? Thank you!

😏

I'm taking this as sub!Andrea, because... that boy is such a sub

Andrea's back was slammed against the wall, a whimper being knocked out of him from the roughness of it, but soon his lips were prised apart as your tongue delved into him, determined to feel every inch of his mouth. Your hand wrapped around to the back of his neck, clutching the slight long hair that Andrea had grown out of.

You tug it and feel the way Andrea instantly moans into your mouth, unable to hide his own arousal.

Ursula and Janet were out of the house today, off to go to the town further away to buy Andrea some more suitable clothes for winter, and so this was an opportunity for you and Andrea to finally get together again. The two of you had to have a very distant relationship in order for people not to suspect anything, and it meant intimacy was rare, and now that you had the whole day to yourselves, you were determined to make the most of it, and by that it meant fucking Andrea so much he couldn't cope with it anymore.

Andrea's own hands had curled around your back now, to hold you close but as you pulled your lips away from Andrea, you yanked him away from the wall and pushed him onto the bed. Andrea landed with a huff, but eagerly look up at you as you towered over him.

The sight of him before you, the way his chest quickly raised and fell, the way his cheeks blushed, how his lips were bruised, it aroused you like you had never been before. Tearing off your own shirt and slacks, you practically jumped onto Andrea, ripping at his suspenders, pulling at his white shirt to tear it over his head,

He whined in protest about his clothes being ruined, but you just argued that you could give him some of your own and that pleased him immensely.

Andrea's own hands snaked down to his slacks, going to pull them off but instead you grab his wrists in your hands and pull them away. You then grasp his hips and flip him over so his face fell into the pillow and he let out a cry of surprise. His hands grasped the pillow to steady himself at the sudden reposition and now due to the fact he couldn't see what you were doing.

But he could certainly feel it, the way grasped his slacks and pulled them down yourself, exposing his bare ass. The way you ran your fingers upon the soft skin, squeezing, kneederling it. Andrea pushed his head into the pillow groaning from the pleasure, feeling his own erection getting harder. Slowly you prised apart his cheeks, exposing his entrance, and then spat upon it, making Andrea whimper.

Slowly you took two fingers and pushed into him, and instantly he tried grinding on your fingers, letting out a lewd moan as he wanted to be filled, pushed into further.

Because of his eagerness, you raised your hand up and brought it down upon his ass, slapping him. A scream tore out of Andrea's throat, not expecting it and his body heaved from the contact. Instantly his cheeks started to turn bright red as you raised your hand to slap him again. You continued to thrust your fingers into him, angling to hit his prostate making Andrea whimper from the overwhelming pleasure you were giving to him. The mixture of pleasure and pain made his brain fuzzy so that no thoughts were left within him, just the need for it to continue.

You slapped his ass a few more times, watching the way tears sprung to Andrea's eyes, slipping down his pretty little cheeks as he tried to bury his moans within the pillows as you pushed your fingers in and out of him at an alarming rate.

You withdrew your fingers from him though, causing Andrea to whine and lift up his ass, wiggling it in an attempt for you to continue pleasuring him. When he felt you spit on him again, he sighed in happiness, but that was quickly pierced by a cry as he felt you slowly start to push the tip of you within him. Your hands grasped Andrea's hips to hold him steady as he started to squirm in your grasp. Steadily, taking your time as to not hurt Andrea too bad, you pushed into him until you were fully within him.

Andrea was groaning at the feeling of his channel being prised open, and he had to squeeze his eyes shut as he felt the way you thickened as you reached the base. Finally, when you were fully in he whimpered feeling how you pulsed within him and how he desperately needed friction.

After what felt like an eternity, you slowly pulled out of him, just to thrust right back into him, forcing his channel open again. As you continued to thrust into him, picking up your pace with every movement Andrea started to quiver before you. He could barely support his ass up from how much his legs were shaken and so relied solely on you as you held him up, completely at your mercy.

As you brushed up against his prostate repeatedly, Andrea felt himself growing closer and closer to his own release, pleasure flowing all through him until he finally came, squirting all over his bed as he cried out. His head shot up as he came and when he came down from his high his head hung down as you continued to pound into him. He let out soft cries of the overstimulation, still, you continued to press into him.

"You can't get away with just one my love, I am going to ensure you can't walk for a week," you told him, and at your words he whimpered, knowing how you kept your promises.

Now you were pushing into him as far as you could go, trying to stave off your orgasm until Andrea came again, and he was close. He'd barely had time to recover, and it hurt how hard he became again from the stimulation, but his own hips thrust and ground because it, swarmed by the pleasure.

He started to speak Polish, unable to find the English words to let you know how close he was again, until he cummed, once again spilling it all over the bed, certainly ruining the duvet. As his walls grasped you tightly, you found your own release, shooting into him, covering his walls.

Andrea was sweating and panting now, hoping that he'd be allowed a break but you had other plans. Even if you were spent, that didn't stop how you could please him. Holding his hips which by now had bruise marks, you flipped him over onto his front, making him grimace as his back was pressed into the cum stained duvet.

You grasped his legs and trusted them upwards, holding them up so you could observe this red asshole that had started to leak out cum. He whimpered at the feeling, but his head shot back into the pillow his eyes wide as his mouth gasping as you thrust your fingers back into him, hearing the way they squelched as they entered him. He thrashed in your grasp, crying out as you deliberately pushed against his prostate. The feeling was too much as tears streamed out of his eyes but you continued to thrust into him repeatedly. He came again, only a bit dribbling onto his chest but you didn't relent.

Instead, you spread his legs and with your other hand you grasped him and started to pump, causing his whole body to quake, his eyes to roll into the back of his head and he screamed out, his voice now raw. His hips however thrust into you and you fingered and pumped him, the pleasure how stinging him. His pillow was soaked with tears as he cried out repeatedly 'please' and finally when it became too much for him, the pleasure hurting him as it reached his max, he cried out 'stop' as he came one last time.

You let him go and slowly pulled your fingers out letting him have his rest as he sobbed from the overstimulation. You pulled him close to you, placing kisses upon his forehead and reassuring him that he did splendidly and that you were so proud of him

A/N: Man there is something about Sub!Andrea that just drives me wild. It's my favourite smut to write. I'm actually planning an overstimulating Andrea smut at some point which will be a lot more detailed and well written so watch out for that. In the meantime, if you want another sub!Andrea one-shot to read, check out one of my all-time favourite one-shots, deserving punishment, or check out my sub!Daniel characters master list

#andrea marowski smut #andrea marowski x you #andrea marowski x y/n #andrea marowski x reader #andrea marowski #ladies in lavender #daniel bruhel #daniel bruehl #daniel bruhl #daniel brühl

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broxklynn · 3 years

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The End Of My Candy Love

Warning!

Alright, so. This post will contain a lot. First of all, it's gonna be really sloppy. I'm very emotional person and I easily get attached to games, movies and stuff. I know it's a bit weird, but yeah, I'm a weird person. Anyway, that's why there's a warning: there's gonna be a lot of sloppiness, grammar mistakes (at least I think so, specially since english isn't my native languange) and it's probably going to be long. So, if you're intrested in reading my thoughts about everything - good luck.

First Adventure

I first heard about "My Candy Love" in 2015, six years ago. So, I was basically a baby (I'm pretty young). And I started playing a year after, I got totally obssesed with Lysander and I fell in love, seriously, haha. I was into writing back then, but I couldn't find any ideas on "what to write?" and MCL gave me just that - inspiration (that's most likely why I'm just a romance freak).

My Story

You know, I was a child so I couldn't really pay for AP, but I always found some kind of way to get them. But then I got my phone I just used money from that, geez, I was nuts. The old AP system was so iconic, looking for Nathaniel, finding Kiki, I'm gonna miss it.

Anyway, I got along with Castiel pretty well (which suprises me 'cause I found about walkthroughs in 2017, like year after, so maybe it was because I was a brat?), but I adored Lysander. Oh, I also loved Ken (I was so sad when he went away) and Nathaniel. After I met Armin, I liked him too.

Again, being a child and playing a game like this I came across all diffrent kinds of emotions. I was laughing, crying, dying from embaressment (this thing with Nath and locker room, aaa) and getting seriously mad (Deborah's arc, Priya, Charlotte). I remember impatiently waiting for new episode to come out or crying my eyes out during Lysander's amnesia plot. Jesus. I loved the way Castiel was teasing Candy, I loved this cute-clumsy Kentin, I loved the old Nathaniel, I loved Armin and most of all - I loved my precious Lysander. I adored the interactions between characters, how funny or cringy they were and how much fun I had. I even like this secret-dating plot even when it got on my nerves. I still remember staying up late to watch videos like "lysander illustrations" and stuff. I also really enjoyed reading MCL manga and I spent hours trying to translate it from Spanish to English or my native languange (funfact: I still haven't finished it! I don't know where to find those mangas) or trying to draw something from the game up ending up terribly failing. Anyway, I was crying during the prom thing, my Candy was so grown-up, I got emotional, haha. So, 40 episode came in. I was pretty excited 'because, me, being extremely naive (I got to say, I've never had a problem with Beemoov before, I started playing MCL in 2016 and Eldarya in 2017, so there were no major issues with them, only the price of PA, I think) thought that my Lysander is going to propose (I was a child, ok?) and maybe, there's going to be a second season with us living together. Haha, how naive I was. Whole episode 40, really got me tearing up, I was a wreck, seriously (When Kentin couldn't take Candy's bra off I lost it or this whole ananas thing in Castiel's route, omg). But I finished it feeling happy. I truly enjoyed spending my time on this game. But, then this whole university thing came out. And the fact, that Lysander, Armin and Kentin won't be with us foe the next season. I spent entire vacation crying (I was a kiddo, ok?) and being mad at everyone. I felt like I got robbed. It was horrible.

"A New Chapter"

I was one of these people who just couldn't accept the change. Not in the world. Never. They stole my Lysander, Kentin and Armin from me and changed AP system to some kind of bullshit. God, I was mad. Really mad. Seeing Castiel was quite nice, but I didn't fill the void of my baby. But, oh, my, God. When I saw Nathaniel I just couldn't believe. I said I was mad? Then I was furious. I really liked the old Nathaniel, he had his own vibe, his backstory, his character and it was just, damn, amazing. But they changed him completely, for what? They wanted the second Castiel? Yeah, they got it. Priya as a love interest was quite a good move, tho. I even though I didn't like her (in highschool or in university) I liked the idea of adding a female interest. But the thing that hurted me, was the fact that Lysander was taking care of the farm. Like, no! He didn't want that. He didn't like the countryside. He had such a potential to become a author and Beemoov didn't let him. God, that broke my heart. Anyway, I didn't spent a single penny on MCLUL, but I have to say - I kinda enjoyed it. You know, it was the guily-pleasure kind of thing. I didn't like it as much as I liked highschool, but there were some good or funny moments. I loved Rayan's kiss scene. I adored Chani. Or Hyun making us watch "Toy Story". Nathaniel's ulgy green hair or all these crazy threesomes. I liked it. Kinda. I hated Nath tho. The ending, hm, it was okay, I guess? I do feel sort of nostalgic thinking about it 'cause I got some nice memories from it, in the end. But yeah, going on.

Love Life

Oh. My. Lord. I was so sceptical about it. Like, I was sure that, at this point they're going to do "My Candy Love Mid-Life Crises" next or some other shit. But in the end, I "kinda" like it. It wasn't good like highschool or fresh like university, but I was nice to see new chapters with our annoying-cringy Candy, that I love (btw, I started playing other otome games and I realized that Candy wasn't that bad). Meeting Eric was nice, even tho, this whole cheating plot really got me ragging. Like, damn, Beemoov, seriously? And if you going this, why not with old LIs? Just kidding. Anyway, I truly enjoyed meeting Dan and Eric, the two of them were quite a characters. I won't forget them, hah. I was happy with single ending, 'cause I think about it as a "open ending" when my Candy can go back to my baby and everything's going to be alright.

Regrets & Complaints

Now, now. Where do I start? AP system was a freaking nightmare. Replacing old Nathaniel with some kind of weird Castiel was a nightmare. Removing Lysander, Nathaniel, Armin and Kentin was a nightmare. Not finishing plots was a nightmare. And why in the whole Love Life I haven't seen Amber once? Why Alexy never mentioned Evan like they're not brothers? Why Castiel doesn't care that I was dating his bestfriend? And why, in the world, after changing the system finding Kiki is so damn easy? Why AP is so expensive? So many questions!

All The Good Times

But, I got to say. I will never forget this bitchy Castiel, cookie-monster Ken following us around. Or cute Nathaniel. Castiel buying Candy some kind of weird McDonald's. Or Lysander's parents exposing him having crush on Candy. Or seeing Kentin kissing Amber (ew). This super akward-funny sex ed lesson. Deborah's arc and losing my shit over it. Or Thomas (this weird child) stalking my Candy and her LI in the park. And Lysander asking us how to hide a body, aaa. Or Armin telling us he loves us. Or Kentin. And Cookie ripping this huge teddybear apart. Or the water fight in Kentin’s spin off. And crushing on Alexy and later on finding out he’s gay. Or spin-the-bottle game and Lysander getting jealous. Or Dake, being a creep for entire game straight. Or guessing what was guy's surnames. And for sure, I will never forget this demonic Kiki dog.

What it worth it?

In the end, yes. Have I ever told you that I want to become a professional writer? Silly dream, I know, but writing is a huge passion of mine, and well, my first story was based off My Candy Love (it is cringy as hell, but I feel kinda nostalgic thinking about it). All these years spending on playing game that I wasn't supposed to be playing was amazing. It was one of the best experiences I had in life and I will never, ever forget that.

What now?

Well, Beemoov is working on a new game and I'm kinda optimistic. I know, it's really naive of me, but I want to believe that they won't f*ck this up, this time. And going back to Sweet Amoris, well, I truly missed this place! And the teachers... And Kiki. I wonder, when it will be released and will Beemoov finally open up about telling us surnames and ages of love interests. Anyway, I want to believe they learnt from their mistakes.

In the end. Thank you, My Candy Love, for creating so many memories. I will be forever grateful.

(I just re-read this post and it seems like I have really love-hate relationship with this game)

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ceoofanticatradora · 4 years

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We need more anti C//A who are Adora stans (like you seem to be) so that people can understand that C///A is bad for Adora. Heck C//A is bad for Catra too, but the shippers don't seem to realize it. If Catra had been able to let Adora go maybe she could have healed instead of her festering and the abuse may have ended instead of escalated.

Hello Dear, welcome on my Blog and a big thank you for your message! Firstly I wanna apologize that this response is reaching you more than three full days, almost four later. Just real life getting into the way of my online presence (at least I got my A-Levels admission!) but I assure you that replying to you was on my To Do List the entire time. And while I could've typed something quick, I thought you deserved a full length response just as much as the person before you received. That goes for anyone really to ask/write me anything in the future.

Adora is a character that has flaws, her own interests, things she struggles with/is insecure about etc. but she also still works on being better (up to Season 5). This makes her relatable, fleshed out and overall three dimensional. Overall for me that makes Adora very likeable. Which is funny because when I first watched the show I thought of her as too goofy and felt like she as a character was overall just flat. Her character design did not speak to me either, the ponytail with the weird hair poof and these pointy shoulders of her jacket just really were not my taste. Isn't it amazing how perceptions can change?

As you can guess from that description I did not always stan Adora and she's probably still not my favorite character but over the almost two years I've been in this fandom I've grown rather fond of her. Other important characters to me are Kyle (a very relatable comfort character of mine, he learned to stand up for himself and others and I support that, f*ck Season 5 for barely acknowledging his existence), Lonnie (apart from treating Kyle badly (which I really do NOT support or excuse) I really love her, man, some women just do me like that, I mean she really stood up to Catra like that), Entrapta (I'm autistic too! It's great to have some representation, seeing the ableism/treatment she experiences in the show is not so much though), Seahawk (I don't even know why, I have some issues with his behavior towards Mermista at times but overall I love this dork), Scorpia (she reminds me of myself so much and I really wanna give her hugs, I'm so glad she chose to no longer let Catra treat her like that even though I will be forever salty she just immediately forgave her), Peekablue (I can explain this even less than Seahawk, especially since it was not even really him in the end but his existence somehow helped me cope with Season 5, without him I probably would've left this fandom ... and also my favorite color is blue) and Double Trouble (now there's enough people already critcizing how they're not exactly great Non-binary representation but this dramatic lizard will forever be in my heart, that reality check they gave Catra, basically slapping her in the face with facts was satisfying as h*ck, also I like lizards overall).

Now there's plenty of characters I like, dislike (or even hate) or am simply indifferent about but after all this is not a tier list but me talking about Adora, Catra and Catradora. Adora started off as this girl that was so sure what she was doing is right but once she was taught differently she was willing to leave everything she knew (except Catra, because she valued her despite everything) behind. And not only that, she broke out of the abuse cycle that Catra tried so hard to keep upright. And that is exactly what makes Adora such a good role model. She teaches children (or people) that:

Your past doesn't define what/who you are or what/who you can become

-> Adora used to be a Horde soldier and did not know where she came from, but nonetheless she found herself a family and became a hero that saved thousands of people

You can always change your mind and start a new life if you feel disappointed in what you are doing/who you are as a person

-> Basically the exact same point, Adora started a new life as she saw what the Horde really was and changed her mind about who to fight for

You deserve love too, be it platonic or romantic (or se*ual???) (If you're aro and/or ace just ignore the part that does not work for you)

-> While Adora for various reasons thought her only use was to please others and meet their needs and expectations (mostly due to Shadow Weaver and Catra) she learned to accept that she too deserves love and validation (if the love aspect would not have been focused on it being romantic love so she could smooch Catra in the finale this would've been a billion times better because she got love from her friends that showed her her real value)

You can walk away from something/someone, that does not make you egoistic/selfish

-> Adora walked away from the Horde, after Catra stubbornly refused to come with her despite many offers (basically Catra broke the promise, not Adora) from her too and that did not make her a "traitor" or "selfish", h*ck, Adora in the end did this for a bigger purpose too, even if part of it was her not wanting to live with such wrong morals

Your opinions, feelings etc. about a person/something can change and that is perfectly fine and valid, being able to change is part of what makes someone human

-> Adora's views on many things changed throughout the show: The Horde and the Rebellion, the First Ones, Catra, being She-Ra, herself, her priorities and so on ... she actually makes use of her brain, which is why Catra saying "Don't you ge it?" or calling her an idiot and dumb never sat right with me, she's a realistic character for shifting with her thoughts, feelings etc. and sometimes just does not fully think things through

You don't have to let other people treat you like sh*t (just because they have some issues they never worked through does not give them any right to let it out on you)

-> This point is obviously centered mostly around Catra and her abusing Adora almost every chance she gets, which is why Adora standing up for herself and not letting Catra blame her for her own decisions and mistakes is so important, "You made your choice, now live with it" is one of the most powerful lines throughout all the five Seasons

Now I'm sure there is still more to Adora's character than what I just listed and unfortunately almost all the points basically got pushed aside, well, Adora as a character got pushed aside in Season 5. All her growth, the things that made me love her, see her as great role model for so many people robbed of their value for the sake of making everything revolve around Catra. That brings me to her and how you are absolutely right that Catradora is harmful to both characters. Of course Adora is affected most by it in the end but Catra too is obviously suffering under the fandoms obsession and just the overall idea of them being romantically involved.

Just like with Adora the stans make almost everything about Catra over her relationship with Adora. She too can barely exist outside of it and if she wasn't the fan favorite she'd most likely would too be mostly in Fanarts that include Adora and not just her (if you google "Catra Fanart" most content is still Catra and Catra only but here and there Catradora still peaks through). But for whatever reason the fandom still views her more as her own person as the other ones? Catrouble and Scorptra Shippers might actually still get less hate than Glimmadora Shippers (I'm not denying they don't get any, they most certaintly do) which is just plain hypocricy and favorism. Kinda like the: A woman needs to be loyal to her husband and her husband only but if the husband wants to be active with other women that is perfectly fine because "that is just how men are" or how i like to call it ... sexism. Now in this case they are both women so it's not sexism but yo do get my point.

But much more importantly, Catra has an unhealthy obsession with Adora. Signs of that are for example:

Constantly talking about Adora, even when said person is not around (to Shadow Weaver, Scorpia etc.)

Obsessing over having control over Adora like in that one Episode "Are you kidding? I finally got control over Adora, I'm not giving that up!"

Building her entire character and her actions around Adora "We need to take Adora down", "Adora left me", "I'd rather see the whole world end than see you win!", also shown in Season 5 where she states she does save Glimmer only for Adora and not for Glimmer or to do the right thing

Getting aggressive or very emotional over Adora like clawing the wall, having nightmares etc. (destructive behavior towards herself and others)

Having no or barely any characteristics outside of her relationship with Adora like, we don't know her interests or likes and dislikes outside of being evil, obsessed with Adora, being abused by Shadow Weaver ...

Trying to force Adora to meet her needs and expectations regardless of Adora's owns

Sacrificing her oppurtunity to be happy in the Crimson Waste for the sake of her Adora obsession and being better than her at all costs

So yes, you were very right with saying that not putting Catra in a relationship with Adora would've benefited both characters. Catra could've learned to exist on her own, develop interests and a life outside of Adora. Learn to accept herself and eventually come to terms with her childhood abuse. She could've been free and not "the abusive cat girl that ended up with the person she unhealthily obsessed over to the point of no return" she kinda is now. Even if we ignore the whole "dating your long term abuser" part from Adora's side and "being rewarded" for horrible behavior, Catra alone is not giving a good example to people watching. As much as I dislike Catra, disdain her even, an ending where she is dependent on Adora, unable to stand on her own two legs after she led armies in war is not what I would wish for her, even with a decent redemption arc (that she did not get).

#anti catradora #anti c//a #anti catra #spop critical #response #my post #spop salt #ocd #role model #anti catra stans #anti catradora stans #comfort character #adora deserves better #honestly its worse once you know its not just bad for adora #anti+catra #anti+catradora

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magicgrrl · 3 years

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TACAC rambles

Had someone who didn’t know Ace Attorney RP was a thing talking about how “novel” the idea was, and it got me thinking back to TACAC stuff, so I went back to re-read some stuff.... Just... I will always cherish early day TACAC stuff, but holy cow, re-reading the stuff that came with the short revival honestly has me in tears RN... Just... RNG went OFF on us during this period and we had some real ‘WTF’ moments that just -chef kiss- Just for an idea of some of the things that happened that honestly still make me laugh...

Became accepted that the apartment complex was an absolute mess given everything that had happened there-- including stubborn blood stains. Bobby Bright and Simon Blackwell come in, sees Godot cleaning the walls, y!Klav throws him under the bus because he doesn’t want to clean, and Bobby tackles Godot and tries to arrest him.

Mold Monster-- just... what do you expect from that apartment complex? Mold took over the kitchen (RNG, Why did that have to be the choice?), and rather than help Godot fend off the beast, y!Klav and Rou run off to investigate an alleged crime scene that Diego lied about (Guess what, RNG ninjas struck those two again). Not too bad, right? WRONG! RNG dictated that mold monster abducted Godot, pulled him into the fridge and he spent the night there because no one checked the cries for help. RNG decided that mold monster bit Godot, that y!Klav unleashed ANOTHER MOLD MONSTER to fight the current mold monster, and they had a kaiju battle in the kitchen that formed into one which they walled off with Ikea furniture that was being built in the lobby. Thanks, RNG! Oh, but wait... it gets better... y!Klav, Bobby(?), and Wocky decide to save the kitchen and that was going baaaaad according to RNG... It was not looking good, and then Jake Marshall comes strolling in and RNG decides that the mold monster is going to be the perfectly behaved pet with his rolls... Sit, stay, rollover... Jake tamed a mold monster and it moved into the air vents.... Rolls for Jake’s mold monster are legendary.

So the Iron Infant was a thing... rando just comes in and decided THAT was the character they wanted to play and it was fantastic... kinda... My hats off to Iron Infant mun... they ended up living IN the couch for like... a month... and when we were joking about “What’s that smell? Is something dead?“ like... Iron Infant LEGIT comes out of hiding after a month of silence and just like, “He had been living off moisture in the cushion and crumbs falling in and had grown weak, but with them pulling him out of the couch he was stuck in, he was able to flee!”. Absolute legend!

Another rando we called CIA man... Played JoJo-ish characters... but like... they were feds with Metal Gear tech, bionics and cyborgs, ora ora ora punch with Dragon Ball level fighting... They waltz right in and right off the back, “y!Mia! The CIA wants you to take this case, we will make you a multi millionaire for taking this case.”.... “What’s that y!Klav? You have a friend sick in the hospital? We will give him bionic eyes to make him better!”.... Arrests Kay Faraday the moment she says her name “We know you! You’re under arrest!” ... Legit Dragon Ball Z fight in their room with their cyborg brother, and a few days later, cyborg brother decides to force y!Klav and Godot to prosecute... never mind that neither one are actually prosecutors here... Godmods right out of the gate a fight with the two, and when Godot RNG just like, “Na, fam... ya aint throwing me through a wall”, continued to Godmod breaking Godot’s body into tiny pieces before hunting down y!Klav who tried to escape... Don’t worry, they ended up find in the hospital in the end, but the cyborg’s brain and body exploded.... Always an insane time when CIA man is around...

Lana telling o!Ema about Gant’s virility in the bedroom

All the Klavs... it’s not TACAC without 50 Klavs...

New Klav that moved into the complex gets dubbed “Cosplay Klav (CK) because he thought the two Klaviers he saw were cosplayers and called them such... CK has HORRID RNG...

Dr.Night installed a safe in the lobby to lock up his booze because.. ya know, people can’t keep their hands off of it. Hobo wants into the safe (naturally). First time, Trucy RNG’s the door off the safe.

Second safe? It’s hidden behind a picture... it’s not safe because Hobo has Amnesia!Krissy take down the painting and tries to make him open the safe. CK, A!Krissy’s brother just like, “Brudder! Don’t let this criminal influence you! Hobo, you so bad!” -fist slam animation-

Hobo RNG’s for CK.....

Safe door opens because of CK....

CK gets y!Klav a date with Franny! He’s acting as a wing man... gets the tickets for a concert for them, arranged the dinner and date... should be PERFECT, right? No... RNG hates CK...

RNG decided that their bikes were demolished by bears (of course it’s bears).

RNG decided that y!Klav didn’t just not make it back to the complex, but that he had been kidnapped.

RNG decided that the car that CK punched in anger exploded and set the street on fire while Franny walks off all cool like

RNG decided that Gumshoe was a hero that saved the day.

All of this of course was apparently broadcasted on TV for the complex to pick up (New TV means we got things other than Law and Order).... Polly was horrified....

I’m still back reading in doses... just... holy cow, been a while since I’ve laughed loudly so much. I know I’m likely just talking into the wind, but still....

#long post #tacac #the after courtroom apartment complex #ace attorney RP

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smokeybrandreviews · 4 years

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This started out as a whole thing about Brie Larson. She’s started a YouTube channel and i figured I'd follow it just for kicks. I’m not a huge fan of massive Hollywood stars invading more accessible spaces but, technically, they’re the “You” in YouTube, too. I can’t be too mad at that. Of course Google is going to cater more to their brand, mostly because they bring in the duckets and understand PR so they know ho not to cause an ADpocolypse, but it’s still mad sh*tty. Larson’s first post was just her being goofy, trying to figure out how to even be a YouTuber. You kind of see a side of her that i figured was there, but never really was able to confirm. Brie Larson is the poster child for Millennial geekdom and i find that adorable as f*ck. Which is why i don’t understand the MASSIVE waves of hate she’s getting from the community. Cats are reveling in her perceived failure, it’s actually insane.

Now, before we go any further, i just want to be clear; I am a fan of Brie Larson. I think she is excellent at her craft. Ma is from my hometown and it’s always great to see someone make it out of this cowtown. I believe she has every right to her opinions and the fact that she voices them from such a visible platform, makes her one of the most endearing and real celebrities in an industry maligned by the phony. Brie ain’t quite Russell Brand but she is very vocal about the unjust sh*t she sees and will totally let you know it. That, i think, is why she garners such vitriol. Look, I'm a black dude living in the US. If she gets on TV and says f*ck white dudes, I'm inclined to agree. But she didn’t say that. What she said was there needs to be more voices making film, different perspectives in the arts. White dudes dominate the industry and she’s tired of seeing that movie. I don’t understand how that’s a controversial statement. It’s true. We need more dynamic, more diverse, storytellers making films out in the wild. The thing is, that one statement earned her the ire of every entitled white boy with time and and the internet. These motherf*cker decided to take that personally and we were off to the races.

When Brie Larson was announced as Captain Marvel, i was okay with it. I thought Charlize Theron or Katee Sackhoff would have been a better look but i get it. Larson is young and can portray the character for years to come. Kind of how Florence Pugh is going to take over Black Widow duties from Scarlett Johansson. Pugh can be that character for close to a decade, as can Larson. Once again, however, the interwebs were set asunder with rage and malcontent over the Cap Marvel announcement. It was f*cking ridiculous to me. Sure, she didn’t look the part going into this but neither did Gal Gadot, the latter turned out to be the best thing going in that trainwreck DCEU. Larson grew into the part, put in the work to look the part, and is committed to the role. She did her research, consuming massive amounts of the comics, trying to find Carol’s head space, which was a goddamn feat. Captain Marvel is as controversial as Brie Larson, herself. And it’s just as stupid.

Look, i adore Captain Marvel. She’s my fifth favorite Marvel character after Spider-Man, Doctor Doom, Laura Kinney, and Illyana Rasputin. In that order. Captain Marvel grew on me during the whole Mighty Avengers and Disassembled story lines from years ago. I have no love-loss for Bendis but that cat did wonders for building up more obscure characters, Carol being one of them. I also like what he did for Luke Cage, too, but that’s not what this essay is about. I’ve been a fan of this character since the early 00s and have rode this Carol train for years. I jumped on bored when she was rocking her leotard, which i miss terribly, took my time to dig up the back issues where she was in the original red and blue digs and moonlighted as Warbird for a bit. Then, Marvel Now happened and f*cked it all up. Carol went from this attractive, uber-powered, mess of a woman to a cold, manly, aggressively stupid caricature of herself. The Carol Danvers i had grown to love, with all of her faults and trauma, became some sort of butch nightmare and the poster child for why Woke Marvel was failing. I don’t think that’s fair.

Comic Carol was on her way to becoming a real force in the Marvel universe. She had learned there was worth in her strength, one she had to drag out through deep introspection and an understanding of who she really is. No longer was she just a gender-swapped, copyright placeholder that no one knew what to do with. Now she had agency. Now she was a force. Now she was relevant. Now tore all of that away. After Marvel Now, all of that growth and nuance was thrown out of the window. She became the idealized version of what the SJWs thought a “Strong Woman” should be. Marvel gave her a massive push in an effort to cater to this burgeoning Tumblr dynamic and it failed miserably. Marvel wanted that Steven Universe crowd and they tried real hard to get it but that sh*t did not work. The changes to the universe weren’t extreme or feminist or PC enough. Courting a fanbase that had no longevity, Carol was sabotaged and thrown to the wolves. That’s the environment we were saturated in when Disney announced Larson as Carol for the MCU. It was a perfect storm of Nerdrage, one that has not died down in any capacity all these years later for either Brie or Carol.

I don’t think the feminist slant given to the Captain Marvel movie was actually such a big deal. I think the vitriol that flick faces stems from the combined maliciousness both the new version of Carol in the comics and Brie Larson, herself, garnered. It’s kind of crazy the massive tantrum everyone decided to throw over this movie. Cats were looking for this thing to fail as some sort of petulant schadenfreude ignoring the fact that this movie wasn’t made for them. As frustrated as i was with the ludicrous discourse, i knew this movie wasn't for me. his wasn’t my Carol and i was good with that. Unlike Marvel who pandered to the trend of PC nonsense, the MCU had a clear vision in mind for the audience they wanted; Young girls. They wanted a character who was strong enough to hang with Thor, stand equally with Iron Man, and have the respect of Captain America. Captain Marvel was the best option. She would be the tentpole hero of the MCU going forward and i accepted that. I went into the film with that understanding and, on my way out, i saw, firsthand, what this movie meant to the target audience. There was a little girl, about nine or so, gushing abut how cool Captain Marvel was. She as ecstatic to see a girl like her, kicking so much butt. In the face of that, every entitled argument you have against the character falls apart in my eyes. Captain Marvel is to young girls and woman, as Black Panther was to us black folk. It’s the same energy.

Do i think the film could have been better? F*ck yea, i do. I think the script should have had one more revision and the directors definitely felt out of place. They’re good at their jobs, they mostly make A24-esque fare, but a massive, multi-million dollar, space epic connected to the most popular film franchise in history? Nah, these cats were way out of their depth. I think Feige dropped the ball on this one, a rare miss. I think Kathryn Bigelow, Patty Jenkins, Lynne Ramsay, Claire Dennis, or Lorene Scafaria would have constructed a much better film, both visually and narrative wise. I think if the movie was better as a whole, a lot of the controversy and vitriol would have been neutered. Carol is written quite wooden and a little pretentious. The interactions between the supporting cast feels forced. The overall narrative is fine but definitely could have been embellished at parts. Captain Marvel is boring and i don’t know how that happened. You have one of the strongest characters in comics, with a distinct, visually appealing powerset, and you make her movie boring? Really? More than anything, though, is the absolute mistreatment of Sam Jackson and Nick Fury.

The writing reduces Nick Fury, the mind behind the entirety of the Avengers Initiative, to lap boy sidekick in an effort to up Carol’s own stature. That sh*t is poor writing and it’s mad frustrating to see. I hate narratives that have to job established characters, in an effort to push new additions. I just wrote a whole goddamn thing about that with Punchline, Joker’s new “partner”. It’s bogus, cheapening the character and opens up an avenue for bad-faith complaints. Rey Palpatine is another great example. Her entire character is built on the slow, methodical, violent, destruction of the Skywalker legacy. Interestingly enough, that character was launched in the same environment as New Carol so i understand why the movie is the way that it is. I don’t agree with it, but i know why. It was an incredibly poor choice to introduce Captain Marvel in this way, however, and she’s never recovered. Brie has never recovered. You want a 90s buddy-cop space opera? Lethal Weapon with Skrulls and starships? You need your Murtaugh and Riggs to stand on equal footing. That was not the case with this flick. Having Nick Fury job to Carol Danvers for two hours was the wrong way to go about all of this and i think a different creative team could have made something truly excellent.

It’s nuts to me that this is even a thing though. Brie’s personal controversy is so f*cking stupid, i choke every time i think about it. How are you mad she stand up for herself, her gender, and everyone else in a position of persecution? Don’t you want though with a platform speaking up about the inequities of our country? I feel like the same people who hate Brie for her vocal advocacy, are the same people who stan “All Lives Matter” when ever someone says Black Lives Matter. That sh*t feels like the same energy to me. I feel like the criticisms launched at comic Carol have real validity, even if most of them are just whiny man-children who miss the leotard. I miss the leotard, too, but come on? We’re passed that now. I do think, when written well, Carol can be a force in the books. Her run as part of the new Ultimates was pretty chill I think she needs that in order to be her true self, until we establish a true self for the character. It’s weird to say but Captain Marvel, Ms. Marvel previously, has been around for fifty years, and no one has any idea who she is as a character. I think Captain Marvel in the MCU, both the character and film, are hated for the wrong reasons. The fact that no one has any idea who this character is, makes for a lousy cinematic experience. The team put together in an effort to flesh this character out, didn’t have the creative capacity to do so and we were left with little more than PC tropes and Feminist agenda. The MCU let both Brie and Carol down in that regard.

Brie Larson isn’t a terrible person and she deserves more respect put on her name. She an accomplished actress with a bevy of awards and accolades to her name. She’s been in great films like Room and Scott Pilgrim, never once garnering a controversy. The fact that she speaks her truth, a truth the establishment doesn’t want to hear, should not disqualify her talent or the fact that she seems like a really chill person. Carol Danvers is a dope ass character with an amazing amount of potential. When she’s written well and not traded upon for trends, she can have real staying power. Her abilities open up a plethora of interesting, creatively fertile narratives yet to be written. Disregarding her just because Marvel decided to gamble on the pretentious third-wave feminism wave is shortsighted and makes you look like a childish brat. You’re entitled to feel however you want but let’s be clear; Brie Larson and Carol Danvers deserve so much better.

#Captain Marvel #Carol Danvers #Brie Larson #Marvel

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16th-cornelia-street · 4 years

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just a jumbled mess of stream of consciousness thoughts while listening to folklore: (alos heads up i don’t know any of the song names so i’m just going mostly with the lyrics that stood out to me. but it is mostly in order of the songs as they play out.)

I remember when first listening ot lover thinking how melancholy all th songs were. i don’t feel it as much anymore, it just must have been my state of mind at the time. but listening to the first two songs of folklore i’m getting that feeling again and i don’t feel its going to go away. haven’t listened to rest of this ,but hte wishing and longing for htings to go back to how they were seems like its going to be the theme of this album

song after american dynasty gave me chills. that guys voice: beautiful.

same song gives me vibe of this is last time on red, which is a good song, couple having conversation about not listening to each othe rand feeling like neithe is being heard and thngs are falling apart. its my sisters favorite song on that album wonder how she’ll feel about this one.

mirror ball song makes me think of that dress she wore to award show for lover. and remember when joe and taylor posted that wine photo i wonder if thats the day they were working together on the song peopel theorize he worked with her on.

because i like to crazy theorize what if the three love sotry is about forbidden love stories both taylor and the cowriter had not together but with other people. i’m just in writing mode so creating all kinds of wild theories.

mirror ball also gives vibes of miss americana how she just wnats to be liked and shows various aspects of herself ot be accepted and the ball showing the viewer various aspects of themselves reminds me of how the fans talk about seeing themselves in her writing, parts they didn’t know aobut or parts tehy don’t show others. how they see thsemlves in her songs so in a way she is a mirorball to her fans not just her lovers.

folksong song sounds like a first love childhood before the singer learned to what was proper and accepted how to act like a “lady” back when her love was wild adn free pacing up her dolls and swaeter (cardigan) so they could run away together and be free in teh way they wanted to be.

sometimes its easier to talk about aspects of ourslves by putting on othe people on othe stories slipping in fiction with truth so no one knows what was real or imagined (august)

august gives me back to december vibes.

man taylors vocals this album just i’m so speeechless so many ways she’s never sung before, a new side of her and her vocals so haunting nad beaitiful and breathy its enchanting. i don’t know how to describe it.

it doesn’t have ot be an affair to feel this way to feel like the perosn you’ve broken up with is someone you’ll never find agan never feel that way agin with who created worlds with you and then tears them all apart hwne they leave you.

invisible string i take it this is from male perspective talking about a girl and not realizing at time tehy liked you back and finding connnection years later. that yes they did like you.

gold string and dive bars gives me reputation feels.

really liking all the instrumentals in teh scong calm and soothing of course becauase thats the theme but i like that taylor changes up her sound each album not alwaysa rocky or poop or coutnry, its nice ot get the narrative beauty that is taylor but have the story told in different genres, if you will

when i saw that hte album was explicit i was like taylor is going to say the f word and when she id i was not ready for it espcialy with teh full sentence i think she said of mouth-f so ya that was boht unexpected and jarring and...wow, taylor. when you decide to use that word you go all in. good for you.

madwoman seems like sequal to the man. the man’s “crazy” sister

does he beat kind of pick up at the end of madwoman, either i was getting anxiety or the beat picks up when its just the insturmentals to give it a kind fo manic feeling

ther is a lot of mention fo dead nd peopel wishing someone was dead and funeral.s are you okay taylor. i just need to chck in with you.

the song about the soldier is giving me soon you’ll get better and will probably end up being the song i skip the most like all taylors songs about her mom becuause i can’t always handle those feels.

betty’s garden. james girl drives up in car talk abou summer i was thinking august the whole tiem that maybe this song is tied to august song liek she said three songs tie togtehr in love triangle so that confirms it so is the third song the one about running away togetehr with suitcase of dolls and sweaters?

idk why as soon as i saw taylor message about love triangles i didn’t think the usual he loves her but she loves him, i was thinking he loves her and she loves her and she loves him. like a circle but it guess th twoudln’t amek ti a triangle then. but was totally thinking forbiddne and secret love and not realizing that she actaully liked you while you wer in love with her best friend. idk. i’m a mess.

sometimes i when i listen to taylor i think her voice hasn’t changed i listen to old songs and they basically sound the same but this album you really get to see her range and a new side of her voclas and tones and its nice ot hear the old and new together working togteher to make this album.

okay this song cardigen is giving me vibes but then thers is the laughter at the end that pervades the cardigan song so betty garden seems tied to that.

bety garden is like book when he arrived at party at end its like ia rrived at your paryt i ws like what what di she say how did she react.i need to know.

idk i just rally like this album i know its different in a good way and its really i really like the storyteller in me is squeeling.

brittle heart seems like a mess of phrases when first impresion but listening closer but its like youre trying searhcing for he word prhase thing syou need to say finding the right words finding the right combinaton of words either your own or someone else’s to get them to listen to hear you to accept you and let you be a part of their life.

hoax started and i knew it was the last song and it jsut felt like thigs wre getting starrted and alreayd its over. i’m not ready for it to be over. play it again sam.

edit; like this wasn’t long enough, here are more jumbled notes from the second listen.

unrequited love. missed opportunities. young love. mistakes taht could never be fixed.

what happesn when you take out all the prhases that seem out of place, like kissed two girls and lost the one. later in teh story you find out about james and him doing that and it seems like a hint taht he lost betty.

be a friend to all be afriend to none also seems out of palce seesm like taylor speaking from hr own experience

i can’t tell how much of this is narrative insertion? is that the word. and how much of it is just the narrative.

cardigan really feels lke this is betty’s song when he left for the summer and ruined everything.

he did come back to her but i don’t know feels like it might have been too late but maybe not. mixed readings on this one.

dynasty is a bop and i have many thoughts on it like that i love rebecca she is my life goals.

also get black widow vibes from her when couple dynasty with mad woman and teh idea that waht happend to the dog might have happened to her husband.

do you tay, you do you. ruin everything ebcause evertyhing is already ruined and its time they realized that and that its not really your fault.

not really any woman’s fault.

some of the songs seem like they are about othe poeple but then likewith lemony snicket it feels liek teh narrator is telling his own story in his own words or through the characters.

the couple fight song gives me miss americana nad heartbreak proince both as a romance and the current state of our country

ricochet what is that jumbled instrumental jazz mess that happeesn after the first mention fo her tears

sweet tea does it mention braids idk it just keeps giving me vibes of two girls in love but that could be because i’ve been on a supercorp writing stint.

the insturmentals just take you to another plane of existence

mentions a girl and talks about guys she gives their babies present (strign song) don’t know what to make of this song. gives me many feelings and so much to unpack

where is centenial parrk and do they ahve a yogurt stand there where someone worked. it makes me wonder if songs about not realizing how many times your paths crossed with someone utnil the moment you finally collide and have your first official encounter

mad woman almost seems like its tied to american dynasty hinting at the reasons she went mad after her husband died

when i heard mouth f*ck in madwoman i had teh same reaction as i did when i heard taylor sing “only bought this dress so you could take it off” in dress. adn i am reminded yet again, our girl is growing up. is grown up. she says fu and everything.

betty’s gardne mentions being 17 and not knowing anything and in cardigent we were young and they said we don’t know anything like she was calling BS on his excuse. you knew exactly what you were doing

btrittle heart maybe its like snatches of conversations memoires of meoments togteher things that were said that wer promised that weren’t said things you wanted to say

hoax mentions number one bringing it all back to the first song

#taylor swift #folklore listen #first impressions #folklore #shut up me #a mess that no one wanted #idk why i'm posting this #but maybe something in the madness will speak to someone and make them go oh yyeah #idk #and i'm back on my shit #this should be the last edit #no one needs ot know all my thoughts

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iwanttobeyourwonderwoman · 3 years

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DAY 10

Your Best Friend.

Damn. I got lucky with this one cuz I’ve got a few people I have the pleasure of calling my best friends.

So I’m gonna turn this post into the little appreciation posts, (Which get lengthy cuz I’m sentimental) just like how I used to do when I was in school. So I shall dedicate it to 3 of my closest friends.

I’m gonna start with my one and only, the person who is literally my soul mate.

HAI TING

This girl knows every aspect of my life. My most solid friend, my better half, my confidant, my Cristina Yang to my Meredith Grey. We’ve known each other for more than half our lives, so that just shows how much we’ve grown up together, seen each other become who we are today and all that sappy kinda shit. 8 years ago she moved across the world, a million billion gazillion miles away from me and although that sucked, the best part was that it never affected our friendship one bit. We learnt to be ok without each other as comfort, but still went through our own adventures and shitholes virtually. There were times when she used to talk about her school friends and I felt like I also was a part of their friend group. I even managed to visit her in her school in New York in 2016 and got to hang out with her friends. I don’t know how to explain our long distance friendships sometimes, I think we practically lived our lives side by side yet with a 12 hour time difference. Another reason our friendship is so strong is that our mothers are good friends too and her mother is basically my godmother (it’s the easiest way to explain to people why I have a very strong relationship with my best friend’s mother) who has always looked out for us (Also basically raised me since I’ve known her) and always hangs out with us. It’s strange yet unique? So yes 8 years apart, and we still live with a 15 hour time difference in between us, with her in San Francisco and me in Singapore. But no matter the time difference, she’s still my rock at the end of the day, the person I wanna share all my worries or my good news with, the one I endlessly gossip with, cry about dumb boys to, and say whatever is on my mind knowing she won’t judge me.There’s no one word I can use to describe this friendship, it’s just that special. And I love her to death.

DAMINI

I think I’m just incredibly lucky, because 2 of my closest friends have been with me most of my life. 21 years of friendship, with the first 11 years being in the same school (which is not something you see very often in Singapore.) I think both our favourite memories of our friendship is when I called her to tell her I was transferring schools and that she’d be seeing me in school in the morning next week. She was also the one who brought me into my classroom on my first day and introduced me to some of her friends so that I wouldn’t feel alone. It was weird going into a new school at 17 without her by my side, It did hit me that this would happen somewhere along the way in Sec 4 when she knew she would want to go into JC and I knew I wanted to go to Poly. But we always made an effort to hang out with each other despite busy school schedules. And especially when she also went to US for uni and I was still in Singapore and I did feel a void at some point knowing both my best friends were so far away from me, but I guess Canoeing kept me very occupied at that time. And then of course I also was busy with Uni after, which is where I shall move on to my next person.

CHENG KIAT (CK)

(Here’s my little shout out to you, I know you’re reading this!!)

The few close friends I made in Uni are some of the realest friends I have. People who understand my career choices, my difficulties at work, my future career opportunities and my life outside work/school. And CK was one of them. This guy has really been one of my closest friends since we met, we were really inseparable even in school. And I actually hated when they did a reshuffling of our class groups and he wasn’t in the same group as us. But luckily for clingy me, we got reshuffled back into the same class after that. I think we went through a lot together since school, one of our favourite memories would be getting kicked out of class together and then using that free time to get lunch and study for our test afterwards. I think essentially we are very similar in character and personality in many ways, which really has brought us closer and makes us trust each other a whole lot more. (He would attribute that to both of us being Capricorns hahah)

I don’t know man, typing all this just makes me feel even more grateful to have 3 such amazing best friends and a couple more who I consider to be the people I am truly closest to, people I am not afraid to be myself infront of, knowing that they will never judge me, that they always want whats best for me and will support me through almost anything. I really do value my friends and I really hope they don’t get sick of my shit some day because I honestly have no clue what I’d do without any of my closest friends.

#gituuuu

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smokeybrand · 4 years

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summeroftim · 7 years

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Reflections

I think that sometimes I try to be too profound, too flowery with my language. I don’t want to edit this, I don’t want it to have form or structure. I just want to think back on this year and what i’ve learned about myself and the world and write about it. No poetry. No flourishes.

I’ve spend the better part of a week thinking about writing something about the year i’ve had. My thoughts have all started the same way: this has been a tough year. That doesn’t really even begin to give it justice. I have lost a lot this year. Yes, i’ve gained some experience, and i’ve faced up to some self-truths but mostly I feel empty. One of my favourite metaphors of all time is from Tolkien, where Bilbo says that he feels like butter scraped over too much bread. That is how I feel as the year sets around me. There is not enough in me, or of me, to care about all the things I used to. I feel vacuous. I feel tired.

I cannot help but feel like this has been a year of lost progress. At first glance that feels too simplistic a way to phrase it. I feel like I had been climbing steadily up a rock face, feeling my way as I went, looking for grips and footholds. But, suddenly, the rock gave way beneath me and I slid back down the mountain. I didn’t fall, I just slid. I cut myself and bruised myself on the rocks that jutted out on my way down and now I find myself halfway from where I was at the start of the year, and halfway from the bottom. I am battered, bloody, and gasping for air. I look up and there is more of the mountain ahead of me than there was before, and I don’t have the energy that I did when I started the climb. There is a rock climbing term, I think it’s called getting ‘rimrocked’, and it’s basically where, partway through your climb you find yourself in a situation where you can’t see a way to climb any higher, but you also can’t see a way back down, and there is a type of psychological fear that you have to overcome to progress. I guess that’s a little how I feel.

As I said, i’ve lost a lot this year. I’ve found myself at different times out of love, out of employment, and out of direction. I have written before about how I struggle with self love. Something i’ve struggled with since I was a teenager, really. I think I love myself the most when I am loving others. A few years ago I met a girl and I fell in love with her very quickly and very deeply. In the three years I was with her, I realise that I may not have made a whole lot of progress in truly loving the person I am, but I was in love with her, and I found a happiness in making her happy and in the life we built around ourselves. I still don’t know if this was a mistake or not. Maybe I shouldn’t have pursued a life with someone else until I had found a way to accept and love myself. But as I write this I know that the closest I have been to content in myself was when I was making her happy, or at least trying to. I’ve always been sad, and I suspect I always will be in my own way, but when I was living for others, living for her, the need to be there and be supportive superseded my sadness and my tendency to wallow within it. I guess in a way, in living for others I was living for myself.

But she left. My heart was broken and it remains that way. I understand that break-ups are a part of life and nearly everyone on the planet has or will experience them in their lives. I am not special. But she was. It is still so hard to to take the ending of this relationship as anything other than a personal failing. I simply could not make her happy the way that I once could. It scares me. It rocks me to my fucking core than things can be fine and then all of a sudden, over a matter of weeks, they start to look at you a little differently, hug you a little shorter, kiss you a little less passionately, and then it’s over. It some ways it was worse that it didn’t end with a bang, but with a whisper. I would have preferred a tidal wave to slam into me. But instead, the ocean tide just lapped at the shoreline, quietly and monotonously, and one day it just took her with it.

One of the hardest parts to deal with was the fact that despite my soul-searching there isn’t a lot I think I could have done differently. In the aftermath of everything happening I said some things out of passion that I regret and most likely always will. I was toxic in a way that I despise in other men and I will have to live with that. I have had so few good male role-models in my life so I feel like i’ve had to be my own role model, and this is an idea i’ll take with me for the rest of my life and try to share with others as much as I can. My father is a misogynist and, frankly, a cunt. He has made me both hate fathers and instilled within me a strong desire to never be one. The greatest thing he ever taught me was what not to do. The years I spent with this girl who I loved, I made sure to treat her, as best I could, with grace, and dignity, and kindness. I think I did that. I respected her, and nurtured her, and loved her as best I could. That is partly why these last 6 months have been so hard. I have not had the luxury of spending them condemning myself for some catastrophic mistake, or error in judgement that I made. The reality is much worse. In truth, I tried my best, and succeeded in trying my best, and yet it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. There is a different pain in that. Doing everything in accordance with your own morals and judgements and still failing is the harshest lesson that life has taught me, and one that I find myself severely unequipped to deal with.

On the note of male role models, in my post break-up depression I returned to a show that I had watched religiously a few years ago. It was a show made by a man who I looked up to. Someone who I feel I connected with, who saw the world as I saw it. He taught me a lot about myself and influenced how I treated others and interacted with them. As I binged through the show, one episode in particular hit me like a ton of bricks. The titular character is dealing with a breakup and is depressed. He talks to an older man in a park about how he loved a girl and that they aren’t together anymore, and that the sadness that has overcome him makes him feel that being in love in the first place was not worth the pain of the present. The old man responds by saying “Boy, misery is wasted on the miserable.” Here’s a transcript of what follows:

Old Man: “You think spending time with her, kissing her, having fun with her - you think that's what it was all about? That was love? This is love. Missing her because she's gone, wanting to die - you're so lucky. Don't you see? This is the good part. This is what you've been digging for. Now you finally have it in your hand - the sweet nugget of love, sweet sad love. And you wanna throw it away? You've got it all wrong."

Titular character says: "I thought this was the bad part."

Old man: "No! The bad part is when you forget her, when you don't care about her, when you don't care about anything. The bad part is coming, so enjoy the heartbreak while you can for godsake!”

Understandably this was an incredibly powerful moment for me. Like all my favourite pieces of art, it made me feel like the scene was written just for me to watch. But then, around a week after i’d finished watching the show, something happened. A story broke about the man who made the show, the man who I looked up to so much. The man was Louis CK. It was like a gut punch. I felt like I didn’t have any idols anymore. I deleted everything I had of his off my computer. I was furious. I was confused. I felt disappointed, both in him, and in men, and in myself for thinking my personal feelings were somehow more important than the actual victims involved. I discarded him like I discarded my father, and I don’t think I was wrong to do so (on both occasions). There is potentially an interesting and difficult discussion to be had regarding how we approach art made by terrible people, but this is not the place to have it. The whole episode did a lot to strengthen my view that we shouldn’t have role models, and why we each need to be our own.

I am still searching for my place in this world. I am still searching for a way to love myself. I am still searching for a direction to take. For better or worse this year has made me hard. My skin has grown into chipped granite. I have withdrawn into myself. I am becoming even more solitary than I have always been. The thing I dream most about now is a small three room apartment where I live. I have routine. I have silence. I don’t mean literal silence, there are small squeaks and creaks. There is music, a cat maybe. But my life is silent. I don’t know if I am equipped to handle other people, to handle love. I don’t think I could ever expose myself to love again in the same way that I have so far in my life. Love is exquisite, but it’s real test is in how you deal with its departure. I know that I have another high in me, but I doubt very much that I have another bottom.

I will tread carefully.

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kaizerinj · 7 years

Text

When ya realize your headcanon went.....waaaaaaay off the beaten path, but it was done so subtly it takes years before you realize how awry it really went.

where I went wrong with Falkner&his dad’s relationship, but like 10+ years later I’m not bringing myself to fixing it. Cuz fuckkit. Seriously, fuck that.

In the beginning, there was GSC!Falkner. He had like five lines. The only mention of his father being immediately after you defeat him.

...Darn! My Dad's cherished bird Pokémon...

It was an effort to give characterization to an otherwise 2D Important Obstacle, which...uh....still doesn’t sit well with me. Guy’s a damn gym leader. Be one on your own merits. But I liked him. He was cute. Attractive. And me just starting my “baby yaoi fan!phase”? Magic in the form of honorshipping.

But oh

the anime happened. And this is where I lost sight of canon.

Ash had participated in the Indigo League. He had just beaten the Orange League. He was stepping into a brand new region full of new pokemon and new challenges. He needed suitable opponents that seemed strong.

So here comes this guy who saves his Pikachu, who bonds with him over Pidgeot, then proceeds to be the guy he’s gotta beat for a badge.

Well, whoops.

This Falkner’s a good guy, who, sure, admits it’s awkward to suddenly have to battle when you weren’t excepting to need to, since Pidgeot!lover, but his game face is stern, serious shit. He’s not going to go easy on you just because you’re friends.

....I fell in love with this version so hard you guys you don’t even know

But this was during the years where episodes were not just easily available on the internet. You had to wait for.....

shudder

repeats on TV.

So. Parts of this episode actually escaped me while I was happily mushing Falkner and Morty’s faces together, and his friendliness kind of fell off my brain as I focused on one fact and one perception: he was a self-made Trainer, and his stern, no-nonsense battle style = anger.

There was one thing the game did try to make clear, too. If Falkner’s using his father’s pokemon...........................................where the hell is his dad?

Which came up as I started writing this fic called Status: Before Elitism, because I really wanted to delve into Falkner, Morty, and Whitney (and Karen, Clair, and Will)’s ascent into the positions they hold in GSC. Kids have parents, right?

So not going the “he’s dead ” route, Daddy became the guy who’s never there. ....#neitherwasmymom ANYWAY. In my mind, the dad was some wandering adventurer type who wasn’t at all content to stay in one place, leaving his son to be groomed by his mom, into the no-nonsense persona Falkner, in my mind’s eye, had grown to be. Mom was strick, traditional, and a hard lady. Not unloving, but she grew colder as the years went on, because the guy she loved was never. Fucking. Home. She had a temple and monks to manage.

Oh, right, religion.

...how’d that happen.

So here we are! Current headcanon: anime-warped Falkner (has a temper) with half a game!Falkner detail (dad is where?) apart of a traditional Japanese sect thing (anime setting).

Side note: Adventures fucking makes up Falkner’s dad during the GSC years! Named Hayate. Dubbed Roy (????!?!?!) by some Serebii rando who can’t be assed to just use the J!names (Coronis [!!!?!?!?!?]). Dubbed Wayne by Chuang Yi (why). Dubbed Wren by me. ....I hate Adventures but man

mAN

Hayate is DIL(not really)F.

Ooowph.

So with this, the man who abandoned his kid and sometimes returns has a face, and that’s what his dad became. And how can you fucking admire a guy like that.

How.

HOW.

So naturally, we have unconsciously reached the point that Falkner cannot, at all, ever be happy with his dad entirely.

Plus note: headcanon’d Corey from Mewtwo Strikes back as Falkner’s younger brother, so Dad has abandoned TWO kids. TWO. What a dick.

Just to note: I held onto, and still have, the canon that Falkner’s original haircolor was green. I held onto it so hard I strangled it and had to justify the discrepancy between the blue and green with the shade changing colors over the course of his life. But the green hair was important.

Because then, the DP anime happened, and Dad’s headcanon became so. Much. Worse.

Dad was, at this point, just a vagabond and a deadbeat. But then, he was an adulterer. In Sinnoh. And suddenly, there was just no reason for Falkner to like him in my head, because Falkner now had two emerald green-haired half siblings across the damn world.

Oops?

I did always kinda maintain my position this was anime!verse though I do tend to bleed anime and game at points, so with no mention of his father in it, I could be comfortable that there was no true canon divergence from the games.

....

"You do? Just as I thought! You know something? I'm sure we'll enjoy talking about my dad! Here is my number! Give me a call Saturday morning if you want to hear about my dad!"

fUCK

I mean this means he’s still alive at least, right??

#neverencountered

"I'll show you the real power of the magnificent bird Pokémon! Dad! I hope you're watching me battle from above!"

GOD DAMMIT.

(It was, at the time, minorly debated if this meant Dad was dead or if....yanno.....flying..... Thanks for that ambiguity.)

(I want to point out that, since FRLG came out, Adventures was quietly toted as being ‘correct’ when it came to eventual canon, given it took the hints of Silver being Giovanni’s son and ran with it like it was true [it was, but this was pre-HGSS], as well as pitting Janine v Falkner during the Johto GLs v Kanto GLs, putting them into connection well before HGSS did. [Then Kusaka’s precognition came crashing down with the Striaton trio = Shadow Triad theory being debunked, when he was setting it up to be a believable reveal. HA..........sobs])

But I wasn’t really bothered, ultimately. Again, I primarily based myself in the anime!verse, but it’s only recently I’ve come to mull a little bit over how Falkner kind of got away from me overall as he self-developed over the course of his existence. And it really does come down to his relationship with his dad, because you can’t really say you’re being canon-compliant, despite not taking place in a universe where it’s unknown what their relationship is. I like being canon-compliant. I like making canon do my bidding.

But I can just not get behind Falkner having a good relationship with his dad, if he’s alive. Nor can I get behind Falkner’s abilities as a Trainer using someone else’s team, unless it’s in his dad’s memory, because the anime showed me something differenct. But the games also don’t layer anything into this, just leaves it bare boned and rather plain, so there’s this nice, gasping hole in Falkner’s game!character that cannot be stitched closed.

......I am legit miffed the father was never easter egg’d into the series. I want his side, if only to have more insight into my fave. Sure, that would just make my headcanon complete garbage in the eyes of overall canon. But I’m so curious.

Bonus fact: VIZ dubbed him Walker and this fit so perfectly into my headcanon, and overall works as a surname.

Because who else’s surname in the anime is Walker?

Someone else with affinity for the Flying type.

#pokemon headcanon #falkner #just...just word vomit everywhere #this is really unimportant but I wanted it off my chest

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gingerxxale · 7 years

Text

Nakama & Shame

I think anime kinda made me disillusioned to friendships. To those who already watch anime often, I think you may already know what I’m alluding to – the unearthly dedication and support to one’s friends (sometimes even enemies) because you believe in the good and growth in them. The incessant self-sacrifice in order to induce safety and/or happiness for a loved one; someone cherished so innocently, so purely, that there is no romantic tie. Just an unpolluted friendship, a bond that is so strong, all the evils of the world – EVEN DEATH – cannot break you apart.

But maybe this perspective isn’t exclusive to anime; maybe it’s even a character trait embedded in Japanese culture.

I walked into a ramen shop in Boston about a month ago and saw this written in huge, white letters upon the burgundy wall over my head:

NAKAMA [n.] A person that shares your destiny for whom you would sacrifice your life; Its meaning is too entangled to be “friend” but it is also too deep to be just “companion.”

If there’s an entire country who really embodies this notion (no matter how small or large), that’s pretty awesome.

Under the font, were drawings of manga-esque characters with their backs turned to the customers but their fists in the air. As usual, upon seeing these kinds of images, I had an immediate feeling of camaraderie and hospitality – inspiration even.

So I was curious.

After researching a bit online (for about five minutes), nakama may actually just be a fictional trope in Japanese television – actually given its deeper meaning from the legendary anime One Piece – but Japan is famously known for its low crime rate, its unarmed officers, its friendly strangers who will fasten a young man’s tie because it’s undone and he’s headed for an interview, and they want him to succeed! So will gladly aid in his looking sharp without needing to be related to this person in any way. Then they’ll wish him the best of luck and pray he gets the job! As if they knew him. As if they were family. So even if nakama is a fictional concept, it seems there is an innate goodness instilled in the Japanese people that obviously gave root to the concept of nakama. An innate, unrelated goodness we haven’t really grasped anywhere else (that I’ve been exposed to at least).

And whether it be instilled in Japanese tradition or simply an injection to their entertainment, I love that I grew up with this idea of nakama. Though this mentality has (I’ll be perfectly honest) made me lose a few friendships here and there, it’s definitely kept the right ones closer and stronger for longer than I expected or felt I deserved. My most valuable friends have respected and even reflected my personalized form of nakama because of the familial relationship it had inevitably created between us.

I was exposed to anime at quite a young age, and I was re-exposed to anime at the crack of dawn of every morning as my brother snuck out of our bedroom to watch reruns of Dragon Ball on the Cartoon Network; the early hours were a safe haven for a relatively violent and bloody show of foreign origins despised by most parents but loved by some teensy children (such as ourselves). He used to take out our most recently purchased bag of pita bread and pack of American cheese from the fridge and would nibble his way through the end of each – until we had nothing left to use for our family breakfasts during the weekends (reflecting on this now, I’m sure this drove both my mom and dad a little crazy).

Now, I often credit my having an older brother for a lot of my toughness and a lot of my disconnect with the common American young lady – my best friends in school were mostly boys. We were always playing Pretend. Dreaming we were magical creatures climbing trees and burning down buildings was a lot more fun than being a part of the local girl-gang in my opinion (which I was also a part of. But I picked my shifts). I owed this early exposure and exercising of a speedily-expanding imagination to my older brother and to the shows he didn’t let me watch.

The shows I only watched while hiding behind the couch and peering over the cushions with my little fingers hinged on the edges of suspense. Clawing through the fabric – just to watch Dragon Ball without him knowing; without him catching me and demanding that I leave (because apparently I was deemed too young for such mature content). Despite him being only two years older than me and like… eight. If he ever did spot me, I’d have to not only be yelled at (mind you, while my parents were sleeping in our tiny apartment in Los Angeles which struck a whole other type of fear through my 3-foot-frame) but I would also have to sink to the floor and stare at the wall for the next two hours – behind the couch, listening to the show instead. Painting the scenes in my head as I had to imagine they were on the TV screen because my evil, older brother claimed I was too immature to see it.

* I will have you know, this was the final power trip I allowed him to have over me. The future was bleak for my older brother, but bright for my unrelenting defiance and eventual overthrow of his tyrannous nature. Bullies are not to be tolerated. *

But I was just so damn curious. Like what could be so amazing, so interesting, that it pulled my brother out of his bed at 5 am every morning like clockwork to eat cold bread and cheese and sit two inches away from the TV screen for the next two/three hours??

It had to be thee coolest thing ever.

So I risked it all. I risked the deportation back to my bedroom, the hellish fire that could awaken my sleeping parents, their hellish fire after being woken by their son’s hellish fire which would then be redirected to me as the source of his hellish fire that had woken them up in the first place.

It all didn’t seem worth it. (But it was).

I couldn’t wake up as early as him every day, but I always made it out to see at least the concluding hour of Dragon Ball/Dragon Ball Z those mornings. I did it so often, that eventually, my brother refrained from fending me off with a foam baseball bat or a stick. Maybe he understood that I was his little sponge whom he could influence and make awesome, rather than the rabid gerbil he made me out to be that ejected out of our mother’s womb for the sole purpose of ruining his life. My seat placement beside him was a promotion. I had graduated to soft-plaything; something that could still be tormented and abused, but should no longer be feared.

I didn’t understand why he liked cold pita bread and American cheese so much, but that seemed to be the Snack of Kings. And I had just been promoted. Beggars can’t be choosey, y’know?

This development in our sibling relationship was also when I discovered my severe case of lactose-intolerance. So in a way, anime’s role in my life was more than just a didactic ruling of friendship and sibling-warfare, but also a court hearing for prospective-allergies.

After discovering my intolerance of yellow-American cheese, my mom introduced my small intestine to goat milk, goat cheese, and an array of goat-rather-than-cow related products; it was a comparatively smelly alternative lifestyle-change that I remember enjoying. I also was not a very picky kid – but again, I saw myself as a trampled vagabond of the streets – so I took what was give to me without question.

But I was a sanctified vagabond. I had made my way from the nosebleeds to the courtside all on my own, a product of my own resilience and ambition. And I thought I was incredible. Like… I wasn’t even old enough for this show. My older brother said I wasn’t allowed to watch these things, and yet here I was… him petting my head and eating cheese while I ogled skyward toward a sizzling, 90s, television filled with awkward screaming, high-voltage blasts and decapitated heads. I was taking it all in and I was loving it.

And one of the reasons I loved it was because Goku (who’s literal growth we have avidly followed from Dragon Ball to DBZ and onward) had a son that he fought alongside. Like how cool would that be?! His son, Gohan, was around my brother’s/my age, depending on the episode, and was being taken out on missions?! Like what?! The amount of TRUST that Goku not only had in his son but in his comrades taking care of his son was powerful. He had enough faith that his son could help him – the greatest Super Saiyan in the world – “fight crime,” defeat enemies, purge the universe of evil!

But also knew when to tell Gohan to like back the f*ck up cause he was 6 and had little to no training. And that was dope.

I was six. I could be great. I could have friends bigger and better than me (which I already did ‘cause I was the shortest kid in my class and still am at the bold age of 22) but friends who still believed in me in spite of that! I could be everyone’s equal. The grown-ups would see my latent potential, the bold energy I harbored, and pay no mind to my age. They would look at me and expect greatness; not because my father was their friend nor because my father was great, but because I was their friend and I was great.

They would do anything for me. Even give up their life for me? Whoa.

The episode that is engrained in my memory most was my brother’s favorite – we re-watched this scene countless times once YouTube became a thing on the internet and a mighty weapon for internet babies like us to digest.

Gohan turning Super Saiyan 2 for the first time.

Mostly I just remember Android 16’s head bouncing around on the dirt, and his dreary eyes looking up as he drawled… “Gooooohaaaaaaan. Let it gooo…” in this deep, robot voice – but let’s remember why 16’s head was rolling around at everyone’s feet. Because he had just pounced on Cell’s back with the belief that he still had a bomb lodged inside his body and was ready to self-destruct – to sacrifice his own life in order to save his comrades. Comrades now, but enemies not so long ago. Hell, Android 18 was going around bustin’ everyone’s asses and suddenly she’s marrying Krillin – goes to show that bad guys have can have a lot of good inside them (and if you’re marrying Krillin… you have a lot of good inside you).

But alas, 16 no longer had a bomb inside his body, and therefore Cell blasted him to bits and kicked his skull aside like it was the neighbor-kid’s deflated soccer ball. This is where 16 recites his epic speech of encouragement:

“It is not a sin to fight for the right cause… It is because you cherish life that you must protect it… I know how you feel, Gohan.” Despite being an android.

And then Cell stepped on his face and his head exploded – but! With all the coils, gadgets, chips, and metal – out came a lot of blood; and that was very humanizing to me. That things that bleed – animals, humans, and apparently androids – we all have a quality that bonds us, a frailty and an appreciation for life that unifies us. We are all unified by the blood in our veins. Despite being just an android! Gohan was right! 16 did love life, and he gave it up because he loved his friends even more and wanted them to enjoy the rest of their existences. It’s an abrasive scene, but thanks to my older brother, Andrew, one I’ve seen a million times nonetheless.

And due to the power of emotions! Gohan crosses the threshold and reaches Super Saiyan 2.

With glistening tears in his eyes.

It reminded me of the samurai – avenging the death of a loved one. Pride. Brotherhood. Bonds. Protection. Justice. Self-sacrifice… Nakama.

And then came Naruto.

This could easily mark the end of my existence. I lost my youth at the mere age of 12. Cause if Naruto doesn’t traumatize you for life, then bless your soul – nothing else can, my child.

Masahi Kishimoto intended the first arc of Naruto Uzumaki’s adventures to be his last as well. That single manga was illustrated for the notoriously heart-wrenching plot movement of Squad 7 facing Zabuza, Demon of the Hidden Mist, and the orphan Haku. (Let’s not get too into this though cause that’ll just tear me up in seconds).

Transformed into an anime, this plot movement was the first for many of us to watch. And very quickly were we faced with the complex of sympathizing for the enemy, maybe a little too much.

Zabuza Momochi, a rogue Shinobi of the Village Hidden in the Mist is known as one of the most dangerous ninjas of the land. Very unexpectedly, we learn he also practically raised an orphan child named Haku on his own, training him as a swordsman to defend himself. Haku has a special ability that people in his village feared; therefore, people like Haku and Haku’s mother were summarily executed. So Haku’s mother taught him to keep his ability a secret – until her own spouse discovered their secret and murdered her. Haku lost control in response to this, kills his own father and the rest of his village and is then found by Zabuza Momochi…

In this first arc, Zabuza is hired as an assassin that inevitably clashes with Squad 7 (our protagonists), and we’re obviously rooting for Squad 7 to survive! We want them to win. The lead character, Naruto is in Squad 7! Clearly we like them the most. Then why is it that every fan of the show immortalizes Zabuza and Haku?

Because we see a bond between Zabuza and Haku. When Haku appears in the mist to sacrifice his safety in order to keep his caretaker safe – that act changes everything.

As of yet – there is no strong bond holding together Squad 7. Yeah, Naruto and his comrades fight their hardest, and one of them almost to the death; they have to utilize the teamwork they’d been avoiding for so long – but that’s not nakama. The bond of love between an assassin and his conditioned apprentice, though? THAT was nakama.

You see that moment, that presentation of empathy, love, and care for something other than themselves made those characters greater – unselfish, forgiving, merciful and kind to someone outside of them – making them stronger than any of the adored members of our beloved Squad 7. Their pasts, their wrongdoings, their sins I won’t say meant nothing… but they suddenly meant much less. Because we just witnessed their humanity, and much more than their humanity – selflessness.

In fiction – we frequently equate the enemy with negative qualities. They are the enemy, therefore they must carry no virtue. They are all evil.

But a person who steals bread, inspired by the love for their starving children… A person is risking their life, reputation, and future with an evil act in order to protect/save others.

Self-sacrifice is the greatest sacrifice is it not? And great self-sacrifice I imagine should be the hardest decision to make. The amount of bravery and inner-peace needed to execute such a choice… is impressive. I am grateful to have never been placed in the predicament where I must choose between my life and another’s. Would I have the strength to give up everything for someone I love? Could I make that decision? I have no idea, but I can tell you that when I see a mother sacrifice herself for her child, or any adult jump in front of a child they are unrelated to who is in harm… there’s something magical behind that choice. There’s a passion, a power of emotion that exceeds the brain and is pure heart – which may be stupid – but it’s selfless. And altruism is admirable if not the most admirable.

Nakama is a purely altruistic act, and though I cannot say I’ve ever felt that I would give my life for my friends in a moment (which seems like nakama-extremism), I know I sacrifice a lot for my loved ones, even when we are not blood related. I donate a lot, I believe in people a lot, I offer plenty of my time which in my opinion… is giving my life.

But a lot of people do not understand this idea of nakama and are very quick to judge it, if not feel unsettled by it; it is not clinginess, it is not desperation; it is just empathy, faith, and affection but it does not take away for someone’s love for themselves – at least it shouldn’t. It is there only to make you stronger.

So maybe that’s why some of our most evil characters in popular culture are incredibly strong. Enemies in fiction aren’t always 100% made out of Satan-Squeeze. We do see some humanity in our antagonists here and there. But there’s a weird, religious, consecration when a bad guy “sees the light” and decides to suddenly “go green and be good.” So it almost seems like… there really is no adversary… cause… in an instant, they’re absolutely cleansed. So… if everyone can be saved, than that means everyone is made of goodness. And then what a relief that is! What a belief that is! Ahhhh what a happy, spiritually satisfying ending ☺.

This brings up the complicated character development between Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha. (We’re diving into murky waters, my friends).

Sasuke Uchiha was my favorite character from the moment I laid eyes on him, but he has probably one of the most tragic pasts I’ve ever had the honor of absorbing. Born of the Uchiha Clan, Sasuke was raised among some of the most intelligent, perceptive, and valuable ninja-warriors of Konoha. Their trademark is the Sharingan – a powerful dōjutsu (an eye technique) that augments a ninja’s insight and hypnotism against their rival… basically. Sasuke lives a pretty normal and happy childhood, constantly idolizing his older brother Itachi and striving to be just as strong and helpful to the community as his brother has been. Then we discover Itachi has had undisclosed motives for a long time. Abruptly, he unleashes… going on a rampage, slaughtering the whole entire Uchiha clan, including his and Sasuke’s parents… but leaves Sasuke alive and alone.

So Sasuke’s mission practically from birth becomes to avenge his clan, locate, and defeat his brother.

But then he meets Naruto Uzumaki and Sakura Haruno who seem to veer him from the path of self-destruction and revenge. He finds a family he once lost amongst Squad 7 and its hilarious but unsurpassable sensei, The Copy Ninja, Kakashi Hatake (who, for lengthy reasons, also attains an eye with the clan’s Sharingan). There is a bond growing between all four of these characters, an empathy, a pure caretaking quality that was not there when they were up against Zabuza and Haku.

But inescapably… we lose Sasuke to the dark side (and let’s just leave it at that for now).

One of the worst things that can probably happen to you as a human being (aside from an audience member) is seeing your favorite character go bad. Yeah sure it’s kinda cool and they become even edgier than they once were, but there’s nothing cool about seeing someone you believed to be your best friend go rogue and forsake the home you built together because suddenly you and your friendship mean absolutely nothing to them… That always sucks.

But according to nakama, you have an unbreakable bond… yet you see the goodness being sucked out of your nakama’s soul… does that mean that you give up on the friend who has given up on you? Do you turn your back on the criminal your best friend has now become?

One of my dad’s favorite movies is Seabiscuit. He’s definitely a big fan of the comeback-kid and always tended to root for the underdog. His favorite quote in the film became one to live by in our household. It was when Chris Cooper’s character was asked why he kept trying to fix this horse that had injured its ankle. It was a racehorse. With an injured ankle it had become useless. And to that he responded,

“You don’t throw a whole life away just because it’s banged up a little.” Beautiful.

So when your BFF goes all homicidal on the townspeople… what do you do? Well, because of anime, I don’t think I’d ever be able to completely hate them. Even if I had the responsibility of killing them… the nakama between us would still exist despite their death and my being the cause of their death.

I am not quite sure that this is a good thing. You see… sometimes… I do believe we need to lose friends, and we shouldn’t keep raising excuses for why it’s okay that they’ve truly begun to suck as people. It is their fault. You have tried. You’re now beginning to work yourself to the bone defending an ego that apparently doesn’t even want your defending.

The fatal flaw of nakama: difficulty knowing when to let go.

But the problem that I feel most people face, is letting others go too easily. I watch my acquaintances releasing friends like breath out of their lungs sometimes, and the stories I hear of them being suddenly dropped from a friendship are staggering… I think people have forgotten how to be brave, and forgotten how to be there for our buddies when they need us the most and evidentially become the most difficult versions of themselves to deal with. It is hard being a good friend – if anyone tells you otherwise I can confidently state that they are wrong and probably have a lot of interpersonal issues as well. But it is hard being there when someone needs you, especially when they need you more than that one time when they got the news.

I credit this rude awakening to my emotional intelligence, my time spent being introspective and aware of the people and the world around me – to my understanding and my empathy. Because I know I’ve “strayed-from-the-path” before, I know I’ve hit concrete walls and sulked in the pitfalls of depression, and more often than not was abandoned by my friends rather than finding them waiting for me to wake up on the other side as a new person. And I’ll tell you what – I got used to the abandonment, but I never accepted it as a viable approach. So every time a friend of mine hit the concrete walls or were in the jaws of anxiety and stress, I was always sitting cross-legged with my head cocked to the side, my ears wide-awake, and a smile in my pocket for when they were ready. ‘Cause I knew that’s what could’ve helped me. I knew that support meant something to people. I was showing my friends in pain that they had a cheerleader, and I was going to be rooting for them until they’d come back to Earth. And did I learn this from the air? Did I think of this approach by myself? Ruminating on it, anime and manga trained me to be a good friend before I even had a friend to be good to.

But what about when they don’t come back to Earth? And what if it’s because they refuse to? When do you let go, and does letting go mean ‘stop loving?’

That’s when things get complicated.

But nakama still doesn’t lose its value.

My BFF is a homicidal freak now, right? Okay. So it appears that I’m head of the defense force that is meant to take my ex-BFF DOWN TO THE GROUND… those characters that suddenly just flip the switch and delete every memory they have had with that person… that’s great and all, and I’m sure a useful tool when you’re in the business of saving lives (you’ve essentially deleted your bias towards a person who is now your enemy) but that doesn’t feel very human to me. Like we just discussed above, you’ve also given up on someone. And the idea of giving up on someone does not exist in anime. Unless it’s a supporting-role who had a hand in poorly raised one of our vindictive protagonists. But they always feel shame in the end anyway, and the protagonist has the inner peace to forgive them because of their understanding, their love, and at the root of it – nakama.

So how and why did nakama appear in manga and anime? Where did it come from and why is it still so prevalent in Japanese culture? Could it be a reaction to something rather than an intrinsic value?

What if nakama was in some way a response to shame? That if you did not behave this way towards your comrades (for example fellow samurai) you would then be identified as a coward, unwilling to risk your life for your brethren. Therefore you have brought dishonor to you family. Dishonor on your cow! (as per Mushu) and shame upon your head. An ultimate, sin according to the ancient culture, inducing suicides throughout the empire.

So could the innocent idea of nakama have been born from the embarrassment of shame? And is that why western society does not grasp this value… as a value? /how do we experience shame and do we value it?

What is our idea of shame? I’ll tell ya, it usually doesn’t stem from how we treat other people:

Someone cheated on their spouse? Yeah well it happens.

Someone keeps cheated on their math tests? Shame.

A person is corrupt in the workplace? It’s terrible, we hate it but… what’re we gonna do, it happens.

A person comes out as gay. Shame.

A human who likes a unique style of music. Shame.

A human who was raped. Shame.

A teenager who isn’t athletic like their parents. SHAAAME.

You see, we treat shame as a form of social acceptance, and by that I mean, if you do not meet the criteria of the put-together citizen, you should be ashamed of yourself! During the Edo Period of Premodern Japan, if you were a Samurai and could not uphold Bushido; “the way of the warrior,” the moral code of that culture; shame was brought upon you. But their moral code was often in the pursuit of benefitting other people.

The eight rules of bushido code are as follows:

Righteousness Heroic Courage Benevolence/Compassion Respect Integrity Honor Duty and Loyalty Self-Control

These laws outline the responsibilities of samurai; to be deeply honest with yourself and your neighbor, to not only find opportunities to help your neighbor but to create those opportunities when they do not arise. Understanding that true strength does not come in proving your strength. Staying true to your word and being aware that you are the judgment you sleep with at night. Decisions you make and how these decisions are carried out are a reflection of who you truly are.

For, “you cannot hide from yourself.”

But it appears that our in-vogue moral code dictates that you must hide from yourself because if you are different… you are a deviant. Its standing does not rely on our treatment of others but more on our ability to conform to a certain standard of acceptable normalcy. Not too weird but not too common. So our code just seems to be self-imposed and self-inflicted. We don’t seem to really value how we treat one another but how well we mold to one another. I think the last time I was taught that being kind to others was a code to live by was in kindergarten, when I learned, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Pretty much, treat people how you’d wanna be treated. And then of course “keep your hands to yourself.” * thumbs up *

But after that… I dunno… there wasn’t much stress on the ethical upbringing of our population, of our citizens. Do we really not care that much? Yeah sure, I took ethics in college, I took several courses in Sociology and Philosophy and studied the Ethics of Documentary Filmmaking… Literature can often times be a nice bridge into empathy as well… but these were all choices. I was not obligated to take any of these classes… which means… a lot of people don’t. And won’t. And even if they did/do, college may have been a late start to have these discussions.

We are raising a population of Narutos that will not chase after their Sasukes. Generations of children that believe hurting someone is an okay practice if that person hurt them first and feel no shame afterwards. That reflecting fire proves your strength rather than dousing it and turning your cheek and being a bigger person. The way we’re going, everyone is going to want their fire to be larger and brighter than their enemies’ and their friends,’ igniting an egotistical flame that’ll just burn down city hall… thanks guys.

Hot-heads are generally looked down upon in Japanese entertainment. They’re a source of humor and the butt of everybody’s jokes because they’re assumed to be quite immature and stupid. They are nothing like their leaders; they lack self-control and respect, empathy, and awareness. In these shows, characters have certain codes to live by that are very similar to the samurai’s bushido, and if you’re not striving for that admirable way of life… something seems to be wrong with you:

The way of the ninja in Naruto.

Saiyan Culture’s emphasis on pride, honor, strength, and honesty.

And even in shōjo manga like Mermaid Melody and Special A, there is a camaraderie between our main characters that is so strong, any outside force cannot defeat it. You see these stories do not have to revolve around intense, dramatic plots entrenched in suspense and guided by their twists and turns. The characters set in a village ravaged by demons are quite the same as characters trying to survive high school. They are inspired by their peers; peers who neglect them, hate them, terrorize them, love them… they want to grow and become stronger because of their peers.

There is a constant theme in anime about weakness and how weakness is looked down upon, but not in the overtly-masculine way that you may think. It is not that weakness itself is shameful, but that one’s inability to protect their loved ones is shameful. Characters are often tormented by their guilt for feeling like deadweight, like an anchor, being incapable of protecting their best friends and their families. So they are motivated by their pain, their rivals, their nakama all in order to evolve and grow into someone stronger – and a character’s strength is measured by how well they can protect other’s.

What an incredible notion. Measuring strength based on your selflessness and your ability to love.

If I have to lose friends because they do not understand nakama… because they find weakness in it, they’re missing out on a tool that builds up only the toughest and the bravest. It hurts, but it must be endured and it must be accepted by people like myself. Those friends I will lose are luckily few, and are not guided by the same light that guides the characters I’ve admired since my childhood. And people like that cannot inspire themselves, nor will they be able to inspire others.

I am an endless fire lit in perpetuity by the sensation of my nakama, and I will continue to be fueled by this heat, inspired by every day and every night, because I have people I care for and people to live for. My ability to love can break the bank – and I can thank my evil, big brother for that.

- Ashley Beroukhim

11.24.17

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smokeybrandcompositions · 4 years

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Mob Mentality

I wanted to take some time and explain a little bit about myself. I was born in the 80s, raised in the 90s, came of in the 00s. I’ve been a legal adult since 2002 and carried a ton of those responsibilities for about a decade before. I’m a black dude who grew up poor in the ghettos of South Sacramento. I was, legitimately, a stereotypical hood mastermind until i moved out at 21. I moved in with my lady and we shared space in a one bedroom apartment, in a state neither one of us had ever been, so she could go to college. That experience and time with her, mostly her, changed my perspective on a lot of sh*t. It changed me. All of the anger i had toward my situation was given context. I understood that being an adult, taking responsibility for your actions, wasn’t difficult. I understood that, even though a lot of the shortcomings my people are burdened with, it’s not all The Man keeping me down. I learned that you have to control who you are, maintain your world, and everything will fall into place.

I don’t care for Cancel Culture or the Outrage Mob. It feels like another way to thumb your nose at someone rather than a tool to be used for good. In the beginning, i think it was a great asset to bring down legitimate monsters like Cosby and Winestein. Lately, though, it’s a joke. I had my first taste with the Outrage Brigade a few weeks ago. I wrote about it frequently here because it was so odd to me. I couldn’t understand why this person was so angry at literally two words. This woman was black, like me, but because i wasn’t as militant as she appeared to be or was offended with the same sh*t she found offensive, i wasn’t black. I was a white boy playing negro on the internet and it couldn’t even understand that logic. Like, because of how i present myself, without even knowing me as a person, she decided my blackness was fraudulent; That my heritage was invalid because she didn’t like how i typed. It was surreal until i understood this was it. This was Outrage. This is what Cancel Culture has become. It’s not about equality or understanding or tolerance or accountability. It’s about pointing fingers and bending you to a desired agenda. I’m right and you’re wrong and I'm going to try and ruin your life until you apologize for being who you are. That sh*t is f*cked up.

I actually tried to engage in a dialogue with this woman but she wasn’t having it. There was no room for commonality, no room for understanding. I Was the worst and needed to be ended. I, obviously, changed nothing about those posts but it’s that mentality, that mindset, which is rotting this movement. It’s been made so toxic, motherf*ckers are coming for cats about sh*t that happened decades ago. I get it, you should be held accountable for your sh*ttiness, but if it happened a decade ago, context goes a long way. You can’t attribute 2020 sensibilities to sh*t that happened in the f*cking 80s. It was terrible back then, i should know, i was around for some of that, moreso the 90s. Sh*t was completely different back then. Media catered to a completely different demographic. There’s no way cats like Tarantino or Scorsese could make the sh*t they made back then, now. Coming after grown ass adults for stupid sh*t they said on the internet when they were teenage edgelords with no sense of the world, is f*cking stupid. Coming after people who literally built a career on shock value, for shock value posts they made a decade ago, is stupid. Coming after people for making satirical posts, about cartoonishly evil headlines, is f*cking stupid. Coming after people who speak on historical events that you, personally, don’t want to address or admit to happening, is f*cking stupid. Immediately going to outrage before understanding or even attempting to acknowledge context, is f*cking stupid.

I watched an entire movement trying to shame people redrawing Sailor Moon in their own style because she wasn’t Japanese enough. I saw grown ass people attacking a kid over fan art of certain character versions these assholes didn’t like. Games have been butchered due to censorship but it’s more because people don’t want the hassle of being on the other end of Outrage Culture more than legitimate issue. Mass Effect III has titties in it and no one bat an eye. Devil May Cry V shoes Lady butt and it’s a problem. Even still, The Last of US II has a graphic, whole ass, sex scene, completely devoid of sexuality, and that gets the pass. The difference between the three? Mass Effect was made eight years ago, Devil May Cry committed the cardinal sin of sexualizing sexy women, and The Last of Us II put Abby’s chonky, manly ass, frame on display. No teets here, just pecks. It was progressive. It was brave. It was deemed acceptable by the Outrage Mob. I’ve watched these people come after Friends, Splice, She-Ra, and so many more, just because those themes doesn’t jive with their far-left politics. Sh*t from literally decades ago. Splice came out in 2009, man. Life was completely different back then but that doesn’t matter. I’m mad now. Let me be very clear about this, i consider myself progressive. I consider myself a humanist. I believe in equality and treating people with dignity but, at the same time, I understand people can be dicks and deserve to be held accountable for that dickery. That said, I'm not going to try and destroy a person’s art because of a boob window or a titty slider. I’m not going to censor someone’s voice and demand they change their words because i don’t agree wit their sentiment. I’m not going to fly off the cuff without context or reason but that seems to fall by the wayside with Cancel Culture and that’s the f*cking problem.

Look at this sh*t with Amber Heard right now. Cats were so quick to cancel Johnny Depp over this broad’s false accusations. When every one was talking about how terrible Depp was in real life, i told cats to wait and see. I was sure Johnny never laid a hand on this chick and i was positive she was beating the sh*t out of dude. How did i know? Because i literally heard it out of her mouth. Well, not out of her mouth directly, but i read it in an interview she did. Heard openly admitted to anger issues, almost bragging about her rage prowess. She claims that where she’s from, chicks punch dudes. That’s her normal and you have to accept it if you want some of Amber’s ass. I heard rumors about her punching out other partners in airports and outside of clubs because she was upset with them. Again, rumors, but that mess coupled with that interview gave me pause. When every one was sh*tting on Depp and trying to ruin his career, i was one of the lone voices saying maybe chill out about all of this. My pleas went unheeded because, you know, “Believe All Women” but i understood exactly what the f*ck Heard was all about. I had context for her character and was more than confident this chick was trying to get that financial boon out of the then half-billionaire, Johnny Depp. Look at the clout she got immediately after coming out as a “survivor.” She got Mera. She became the face of a massively important movement, bolstering her visibility in an industry where visibility means dollars. Heard said she was never in it for the money but when Johnny started writing those checks directly to Heard’s charity of choice, in her name instead of to her, she was quick to sue for a lump sum. I mean, one of the first things leaked about this case was an extortion letter from Heard’s lawyer disguised as a “generous” settlement to eschew any “embarrassing” facts coming to light through trial, never mind the many, many, times she admitted to beating Depp on camera and tape.

Cancel Culture isn’t terrible. It can be a very powerful weapon for change. I’m not saying it’s devoid of agency or that it’s outright wrong, what i am saying is that, in it’s current state, it feels less like a toll for growth and more like a bunch of petulant children throwing tantrums about dumb sh*t. Being upset people of color when those people, themselves, aren’t even bothered by whatever, seems pretentious. Getting offended when those people call you out for your unsolicited notion of do-goodery, is ridiculous. Attacking those people for not sharing your outrage is hubris. When everyone was up in arms about Scarlett Johansson being Major, i was one of those people, too. Why was she getting this role when Rinko Kikuchi was alive and well out in the world. Then i found out the Japanese didn’t give a sh*t about who played Kusanagi, they were just happy to see Hollywood making the film and were curious how they’d butchered it. To them, it didn’t matter who played Major, as long as the movie was good. I had to check my prejudice and readdress my understanding of that role. Ghost in the Shell is one of my favorite franchises and, while i firmly believe Major should have gone to a character of Japanese decent, i can’t be mad that it didn’t if the Japanese people, themselves, weren’t. I had to recontextualize my understanding of the situation. No one does that in the Outrage Mob. They just rage and rage, even if they’re wrong, and that sh*t is wrong, in itself.

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ouraidengray4 · 8 years

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Why Not Everyone Is Worth Forgiving

Have you ever seen two kids have an argument? As a teacher, I mediate kid arguments all the time, and man, is it a fast process. Usually, I just listen to each kid yell their grievances at me (Why are you shouting? I’M NOT SHOUTING!), then I get to demand they apologize to each other, and enjoy what is almost always an instantaneous resolution. When you’re a kid, forgiveness is usually the cheapest, easiest thing in the world; it’s a hug, a laugh, and, boom, instant friendship!

It doesn’t always come so easily though, even for kids. I remember when I was in elementary school, a friend of mine told me she had a sister and months later, I found out it wasn’t true at all. Boy, was I mad. I didn’t speak to her again until middle school, when she totally called me out on it in the locker room, that I had refused to forgive her for such a stupid, little thing. There I was, in my gym shorts and training bra, being publicly shamed for having held a grudge for so long. I decided, from then on, that forgiveness would be a virtue everyone would come to associate with me: I was gracious. I was understanding. I was forgiving. Never again would I be that 12-year-old in the training bra, bitterly refusing to let go of a past slight. Never!

But as an adult, forgiveness is like Pilates class; when you do it, you usually feel great afterward, but sometimes you feel awful going, awful doing it, and awful afterward, and you know you should have just stayed home, watched Hoarders, and gone some other time.

Almost a year ago exactly, I had a pen pal. Yes, that’s sort of weird, and yes, it really happened: I had an adult pen pal, a former college acquaintance. Truthfully, I knew I had met him in college, because those were the Facebook friends we had in common, but I didn’t remember him in any way. He hit me up on Facebook with this completely random and unexpected gesture, saying, Hey I think everything you post is rad, and you’re rad, and we should be friends. It happened to be a really solid time for me; I had finally learned how to effectively manage my depression and anxiety, and was really living a half-decent life, going to back to school, getting my sh*t together in a really grown-up way. He asked if I wanted to be pen pals. I said, "Uh, sure."

You can probably imagine where this is going if you’re human and have a pulse.

I had no idea what that meant. I was hoping he understood that clearly he would be the first to write, because I had no idea how grown-up pen pals worked. He was living abroad, enjoying what appeared to be a very glamorous, bohemian lifestyle. In the photos he posted, it was clear that he had a dog and cool-dude digs. And oh, he was handsome. I wondered where the hell he’d been in college, when I was pining after some miserable artsy kid who eventually left to study acting in England.

And then his letter came.

It was a four-page explosion of scribbled drawings, backstory, hopes, and dreams… and it felt like a masterpiece. I spent hours pouring over it; I brought it to work with me, carefully enclosed in a book, like something precious, secret, almost sacred. I showed it to my best friend in quiet wonder, asking,Who the hell is this guy? And what the hell is this wonderful thing? I spent days crafting a reply. I poured my heart into it; this process was fun and new and wildly curious and exciting. The next few months proceeded like this, eagerly awaiting letters, trading ecstatic Facebook messages, pinging each other to exclaim that the mail had arrived—we traded exclamations of I got it! I got it!!!!