#I just sent my drawing to myself on email and im over here worrying if she sees it

[yourelocaltransdude]

The amount of anxiety my mother gives me is unhealthy

[pbandjesse]

I am feeling really down right now. Just a little touchy. I dont even know why. I just feel stressed out and like. Rushed. But I dont even know why. I would like to go to bed soon. It was a nice day. Im just feeling tired. 

I had trouble with sleep last night. I couldnt get as comfortable with my chest and it hurt a bunch. So I woke up with irradiation and it only got worse throughout the day. 

I got up at 9 though and had a sort of plan for the morning. I got washed up and dressed. They are trying to have some kind of spirit week this week and so they said to wear our favorite shirt. But then also sent an email that we had to wear our uniform shirt? Which is 100% my least favorite shirt? So that was annoying. But whatever.

I had breakfast and played a little animal crossing. I did the commission print I had. Made a little video of that. And then I was off. 

I drove out to the savers. I had a really nice time walking around there. I found two options for the heart fabric and texted the person commissioning me and they chose the one they liked. It was a toddler hoodie and honestly I think it came out perfect. Im very pleased. 

I also found some other fabrics. And a pair of shoes. And a big wire basket that I was very excited about. And a soft sweater that I did not need but made me happy. I was trying to find something with hearts on it but thats alright. Im still happy with what I got. 

I also found another house shelf but this one is tiny. Im going to work on painting that one to match the others soon. Its so cute. 

I headed home after that. And got home with an hour to spend putting things away and having lunch and getting ready to go to work. I did not want to go. I was tired and my chest hurt and I just didnt want to go anywhere. But Im responsible so I did it. 

I wasnt pleased with my work shirt though. It was rubbing on me really bad and my piercing suffered a lot. Which made me not as patient or bubbly. I did have a pretty good day but having to keep telling the kids to stop over and over grated on me. 

I did some cleaning for one of the classes, to help out. Gave some lunch breaks. And then was just with 2nd grade for an hour. I had some of them sewing. And then we went to the cafeteria for snack. 

The second half of the day drug on really bad. But it was fine. I am mostly annoyed I didnt get a new drawing started. I will lay one out after I get this post up. But that is just another point of me feeling rushed. I am trynig to not feel sad. But its hard. 

We had a parent come and get their kids at basically 6 exactly. And then I could go home. It took a little longer to get home for some reason. But then I was here. James had pizza for us. And he gave me an early birthday gift. Its a beautiful gold watch and I love it. I was worried about the bungee band but it doesnt pinch at all and I love it. He said he may have gotten me another watch because he's not sure how well they work, being antiques. But Im still really pleased. Its so pretty. It was basically all I asked for besides like. Stuffed animals. I got such a good partner. 

After dinner I went and worked in the studio. I got all my commissions done. I just have to pack them up to go. I am waiting on one address but I will at least get the others out in the morning. 

But now I am jsut really really tired. Im going to wash up and get my heating bad and maybe just let myself fall asleep. Well see. 

I hope you all have a great night. Take care of yourselves. Be safe. Goodnight! 

[fictionalboysarejustbetter]

Friendships from Afar

Distance creates a barrier of trust. There are no worries. There is always a safety net to fall back on that protects from hurt or pain. Beginning in second grade, my personal goal had always been to find a singular, perfect friend who lives far away. We could talk openly with each other, and I would have the ability to be myself. The plan is that years later, I would meet this person in the weirdest of circumstances, and we would be best friends forever. It’s even better if this friend is a guy, so then we can both fall in love and get married to live happily ever after.

In second grade, the entire class received school pen pals, and while my fourth-grade pen pal was not ideal, I knew I loved this “secret” letter writing system where I am just Rebecca, nothing more or less. Moving into fifth grade, Mrs. Smith found me a pen pal from China. Through our teachers, we would send each other letters back and forth until the school year was over. From this moment onward, I was hooked; pen pals didn’t care what I looked like or how shy I was or how involved my mother was with the school, I could just be me, and they only knew the information I told them. Without asking for help, I scavenged through the internet, trying to collect pen pals as if they were Webkinz. I was convinced this perfect friend could only be found on pen pal websites that look like they were made by my fellow fifth graders.

Starting in sixth grade, I would spend night after night stalking the profiles of random teenagers on Students of the World, a supposedly “safe” pen pal website for kids. Gender? Who cares. Age? About 10-16. Likes? Reading, of course. Language? English please. I would then press search and sift through hundreds of profiles, finding the perfect candidates to be my best friend. This process was extremely predictable, including:

The teenage boys “looking” for a relationship:

Nathaniel, Age 14, UK

HOBBIES:

Photo

Trips

Cinema, Television

Sports

Reading

Painting, Drawing, Art

Hi! Are you looking for a cool guy to write to? Send me a nice message otherwise you’ll miss something priceless. 

I can speak:

English, French

The liars that claimed they like everything and speak every language:

Janhvi, Age 16, USA

HOBBIES:

Photo

Trips

Clothes

Cinema, Television

Sports

Sciences

Music

Reading

Animals, Nature

Cooking

Collections

Painting, Drawing, Art

Hello !!👩I'm Janhvi .I like to travel.I have traveled in to many countries .Such as india , sri lanka, china, france and more.I like make new friends.message me soon guys.👭👫OUR LIFE IS CHANGE , BUT FRIENDSHIP NEVER BE CHANGE.

I can speak:

English French German Italian Spanish Arabic Chinese Japanese Korean

The students making a profile for class:

Chaya, Age 13, USA

HOBBIES:

Clothes

Cinema, Television

Music

Reading

Animals, Nature

I am looking for a penpal for our school project. I would like to find some in Atlanta, Georgia.

I can speak:

English

I would scroll through these profiles so constantly that I rarely found new profiles. I was judging every profile based off of the person’s name, biography, age, likes, languages, everything. Most people without a profile picture wouldn’t receive an email from me. I tried to avoid messaging anyone from the United States unless they sounded like a major fangirl or fanboy over the books I liked. I automatically favored anyone from Europe, especially if they had an interesting name. But regardless if anyone from anywhere sent me a message first, I would respond back at least once.

Shortly after the search began, I received a message from a girl named Julia from Australia. She and I were the same age, we both needed a friend, and we both liked reading, animals, music, and clothes. Quickly, my life began to revolve around the fourteen hours that always stood between Australia and the United States. Throughout sixth and seventh grade, we would be constantly messaging on the messaging app “kik,” confiding everything deep and useless to each other like best friends do:

Becca says:

Hey, how are you?

Julia says:

Everyones well... Mum and dad start the long drive to melbourne this weekend so everythings kinda topsy turvy :p

How is your family and pets? Im sorry for my rudeness that i didnt ask earlier

Nearlytime for school?

Becca says:

Lol that is fine! I get to school around 8, so normally ill drop off right before, lol i try to remember to tell you but i tend to forget. Theyre good though. Willie and Apricot are happy my grandma left :-P mom and dad are helping me with my ancestry project and exploding of happiness because I got a position in that volleyball club and my sister has been working and spending money :-P her favorite thing to do

Julia says:

Ahh the christmas spirit... Lol is there anyone in the house who loves your grandmother?

Becca says:

Lol we love her because shes family, but no one loves her when shes here if you know what i mean.

What’s up?

For two years, the conversations would continue for hours, as we both wait anxiously for the “ding” on our tablets, indicating a new message. Julia’s father was a firefighter who fought the nasty bushfires that haunted their country. I interviewed him as my hero for my final paper and presentation in my eighth grade English class. I interviewed him through email after our initial plans to Skype were sidetracked by the active wildfires, and I so proudly presented the information about him that you would have thought he was my father.

One day, Julia told me about her divorced parents. Then, she told me about the twins her mom just gave birth to. Then, she explained that she actually has a twin brother and no younger siblings at all. Then, she became an aunt to twin nephews. Then, her house burned down, and she had to move across the country. Then, her parents just moved across town. The stories continued and continued only within months of each other, not adding up in any way, shape, or form. With hope still in my heart, I sent her all three books of The Hunger Games trilogy since she really wanted to read them, but two months later, the books came back in the mail as undeliverable. The address did not exist.

Unable to admit defeat or accept the idea that my best friend might not be real despite all of the evidence, I started to panic. What if she is catfishing me? I’ve seen that show before, and I even gave “her” my address. Whoever this person is could easily come to my house and kidnap me...maybe I should tell my mom and warn the police. But maybe, she just has a really hard life, and she compulsively lies to make herself feel better? Maybe, she just really wants attention, and that’s why none of her stories are adding up. Besides it could still be her, she may just be scared. She could have just lied and is younger than she said and is trying to sound cool to impress me.

With these panicked thoughts raging through my body like wildfire, I blocked her from kik and began to ignore her emails. I forced myself to just disappear, so then I would have nothing to worry about. I cannot trust that Julia is really Julia, so I will just watch “her” occasional emails come in, analyzing from afar who ��she” may be. I’ll search for her on Google and Facebook and Instagram and Students of the World and anywhere else I can look. The emails would keep coming for years and years, but they never held much content to them, and I’m still left to question who “Julia” is.

My Julia investigation was stalled for now, and the void of not having a constant penpal to talk to quickly came back. Therefore, my search to find the perfect best friend needed to be expedited since Julia was certainly not cut out for the position. I continued to search Students of the World with my new smartphone every chance I had. In between games at volleyball competitions, Hope and I could be found by the nearest outlet on my phone, scouring the website for the perfect answers within someone’s profile. We would send out messages together to the nerdy fangirls and fanboys around our age. Every day during the bus ride home from school, Jenna and I looked through the website on our phones, judging everyone’s biographies and pictures. Jenna created a profile too, and we would have three-way Skype sessions with Sylvia from France until the two of them became too close and stopped inviting me to Skype with them.

Finally in April of ninth grade, I received a promising email from a 16-year-old boy from France:

To: fictionalboysarejustbetter@gmail.com From: coolfrenchboy@gmail.com

My name is Kristopher and Im from France !

I watched a few days ago Divergent and it made me want to read the books !

I see you like tv shows and video games as I do !

I am not fluent in English but I can talk to you !

If you want I can learn you French ! :)

Typically, I would spend about twenty minutes every day responding to emails from random penpals on my way home from school, but within the first three or so emails to a person, one of us would just stop responding. In regard to Kris, I generally liked video games, but I wasn’t obsessed with them, and I had a weird taste in TV, so we probably couldn’t talk about that much. But Divergent by Veronica Roth was my all-time favorite book. As soon as I read that word in the email, I knew I would be responding until he stopped responding to me. It had always been my goal to fall in love with a fanboy, especially one with the same taste in books and movies as me, so I immediately responded with:

To: coolfrenchboy@gmail.com From: fictionalboysarejustbetter@gmail.com

Hi Kristopher!

What part of France are you from? I live near Pittsburgh, PA, USA.

Yes, definitely read the books! They are amazing! I find myself gravitating towards video games and shows more than sports! :P

I don't know much of French as I take Spanish in school, but I'd love to learn some and help you with English as well!

Rebecca

He emailed me back within minutes, and we emailed for most of the evening, talking about books and food and the differences between the United States and France. That night though, my phone battery had died, and it was only for a few hours. After plugging it in, I found five unread messages from him, making sure I was okay.

To: fictionalboysarejustbetter@gmail.com From: coolfrenchboy@gmail.com

Lol it works ! :) Good courage to go back to school ! :)

To: fictionalboysarejustbetter@gmail.com From: coolfrenchboy@gmail.com

Hey sweetie 😆

To: fictionalboysarejustbetter@gmail.com From: coolfrenchboy@gmail.com

How are you Miss ?

To: fictionalboysarejustbetter@gmail.com From: coolfrenchboy@gmail.com

Do You use words like ain't or gonna ? 😆

To: fictionalboysarejustbetter@gmail.com From: coolfrenchboy@gmail.com

Are you OK ?

As soon as I read these messages, my heart fluttered a little. This was just the beginning of our constant messaging and talking. I happily responded to him, and within days, Kris was my perfect, new best friend. The random space he left between the last word and the punctuation of a sentence would drive me insane, but I didn’t have the heart to explain the process to him. We talked so consistently that it would probably be considered unhealthy, discussing pets, family, being the youngest child, aspirations, atheism, languages, food, books, video games, and everything else under the sun. I was stuck to my phone all day, and every time I picked it up, I waited in anticipation for a notification with his name and the random spaces between his words and the punctuation.

The six-hour time difference between the two of us meant nothing, with him staying up late and me getting up early. Between classes, we would sneak each other messages about how our days were going. My week-long field trip to San Antonio, Texas was spent either messaging him or scouting out an outlet to plug my phone into so that I could talk to him. The more access I had to Kris, the further I distanced myself from my friends and family. When my phone would die or I wouldn’t have reception, I would look around, annoyed by whoever the people around me were. Kris was the perfect friend I always wanted; he was my best friend, and I was his. Neither of us needed anyone else, and hopefully, all of our talking and flirting would lead to love which would lead to marriage.

The summer before tenth grade came, and Kris seemed to be growing distant. Supposedly, he was travelling all summer, and he would rarely have access to wifi. I counted down the days until he would be back home, and after one measly conversation, he disappeared again. I sent message after message, finally receiving a response about his brother pushing him in the pool and his phone being in his pocket at the time, so it was destroyed. The summer seemed to be surrounded by disappointment, but hopefully when we went back to school, our relationship would continue to be as strong as it was before.

Tenth grade began, and Kris was still busy all the time. Apparently if he kept up his hard work, he would be valedictorian. Since I couldn’t spend lunch chatting with him anymore, I bragged that I was basically dating this amazing French guy who is valedictorian at his school. Until October hit, and then I would receive the dreadful message that he has a girlfriend. Ironically, this only made our conversation stronger than it had ever been, and he even picked out my new haircut, sending me endless compliments on it. The next day, he sent another message, explaining that his girlfriend didn’t want us talking anymore so it would probably be best if we just stopped. I was bad at listening to these directions, following this conversation up with many, many new messages in attempts to strike a conversation with him again. These messages earned me a nice block from Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat.

My only method of contact would now be email, so night after night instead of stalking Students of the World for new pen pals, I would send Kris emails. I now began to understand that feeling that I caused upon Julia, who may or may not have been Julia. Throughout October and November, I received a few responses that sounded like an automatic email reply, but one email in mid-November stood out, as it was one of the last ones I would receive from him.

To: thisismyname@gmail.com From: thisiscoolfrenchboysnewemail@gmail.com

Hello Becca,

I did act stupid and didn’t answer your messages at all. When I emailed you first, I never thought our friendship would get that strong !

Guess what, there used to be a time I was really in love with you, but I haven’t dared say so … The one biggest reason was the 6000 km that stand between us ! You were the one I loved talking to ! So I talked to you and you never waited to answer and neither did I.

I don’t know, something went wrong, time changed, I’m sorry I haven’t answered you for long, this is all my bad. I wish I could go back to past to fix this.

This message will never ever be able to patch things up, but it (I hope ) will tell you that I never forgot you .

My mother would tell me time and time again that any type of relationship separated by physical distance would never work. I had never believed her, but after receiving this email, I understood. Why had I ever believed that the perfect friendship would be through time differences of at least five hours? These relationships do not automatically create a barrier of trust, often making it even harder to trust. There are always going to be worries about who that person is and what their intentions are. There is no safety net to keep you from being hurt or feeling pain. Once there is a roadblock within your barrier of communication, you cannot simply get it back after running into each other at Walmart or flashing them a fake smile as you pass them in the hallway at school. As soon as one person blocks the other or the number of unread emails increases substantially over months, that person is gone forever.

[concertteamup-blog]

Q+A For ConcertTeamup

Hello everyone! I hope some of this clear things up. I understand some are a little confused on how this all works! Remember I am always here if you have any questions or concerns, please send them through messages or on ask! Lots of to you all! x

Q:   “Is this legit?”

A: Yes, I want this all to be as safe as possible for fans. We don't scam and we don't lie.

Q: “I’m selling a ticket, how do I do this?”

A: You have already done what you need to do! All I need to know is that you have one (or more) available for purchase! I will then find you someone to match with, as soon as possible. 

Q: “How do I send a request or submission for a ticket/s?”

A: Simple! Send them through ask or messaging! Both are available and open. Submitting makes it a little difficult to answer you directly though.

Q: “What should I send for the request for tickets?”

A: Just tell me what show you are wanting to attend to, and how many tickets you need, also if you need a specific ticket. It is nice to know your age, your name also how much you are offering but that is totally optional for you to tell me.

Q: “How do I get ‘Matched’” 

A: Simple, pretty much once I find a ticket, and if you are chosen. I tell you who you have been matched with. I will also then tell you that you should contact each other for how you want it all to be arranged. I don't want to intrude on your details so I leave the communication aspect to be completely up to you two.

Q: “I have been matched and am talking to the seller/buyer and we need help”

A: I am always here to help you guys in any way that I can.

Q: “I have been matched but i’m getting a strange vibe”

A: I’m very sorry to hear that. We want this to be as safe and easy as possible. If you for some reason feel that there is something shady coming from your seller/buyer, please let us know immediately. I will ask you to share what you think might be happening. I will then talk to the two of you to sort it out. It will then be asked to the seller for proof by photo and/or video of the ticket/s. If you still feel that there may be more going on, I will gladly find you someone else that you feel safer with. Although, there is a very slight chance that you will be scammed, as I talk to all of you before you are matched and make sure that you have good intentions. 

Q: “I already have tickets, I just don't want to go alone”

A: That is totally understandable, and congrats on getting tickets! I will try and find someone to match you with as soon as possible so you have someone to attend the show with. 

Q: “How do I pay once I have been matched?”

A: I leave this up to the two of you to decide as people have different requirements. Although I know you can send the payment through Ticketmaster, Paypal, Bank Transfers, etc. But again the decision is totally up to and what works best for you and your seller/buyer. Im always here if you need any assistance. 

Q: “How do I send the tickets to the buyer?”

A: As of right at this moment, nobody has their physical tickets as its only been about 36 hours since tickets sold out. But in the future you are able to connect with each other on Ticketmaster to transfer tickets, without any costs and also safely. You can also mail tickets as an option, but we all know that shipping physical items may get lost in delivery. Again this is totally up to the buyer/seller, which ever method works best for the two of you is important. Im always here for help.

Q: “I have been matched, and have successfully gotten my tickets, but I no longer need them”

A: Thats totally fine! I will find someone for you to match with! You now take on the role as a seller. 

Q: “I have been matched to a seller, but I don't need the ticket/s anymore”

A: Sorry to hear that! We will then find someone else for the ticket/s”

Q: “Will you let us know if you have any available?”

A: Yes of course! As soon as I have some available, you will all be notified. I recommend turning our posts notifications on. You can do this by going on my home page and selecting the person shaped icon in the right corner, once selected there should be a “Get Notifications” button. Click that. There will then be a lightning bolt next to the icon to confirm. I am always here for help if you are confused. 

A: “Can I be added to the ___ list”

Q: Yes, although there is no waiting list. Once I let you guys know that there is a ticket available, I will also tell you a specific word (Example: “Green”, “Pink”, “Sweet Creature”) Send me the word that I ask for that is linked to that ticket, and you will be added to a list that will help me randomly draw one of you for the ticket. I want it to be as fair as possible. If you guys prefer a waiting list, please let me know. I want all of you to get a chance. 

Q: “How do I get chosen for tickets, is there something I can do”

A: Demand for tickets is very high at the moment. Send me a request, and also keep on the look out for my posts. I don't choose for who I think deserves it more, I think you all deserve a chance and a ticket. I don't single people out if they believe in specific ‘ships’ or if they just created a blog that day. We all support the same person/people and I think thats very important, so no at this moment there is no special way to get a ticket. In the future there may be a list, but no I want this to be as fair as possible. If you disagree or have another opinion, please let me know again I want what works best for all of you! 

Q: “I didn't get any tickets the last time you had some available”

A: Don't give up, there will be more to come. It’s only been two days and I have already been able to match people. Just keep your eyes peeled on my account. 

Q: “How much time do people have to be entered on to the list for the  ______ show?”

A: After I notify you all that I have a ticket available. Im giving you all 12 hours to send me the specific word. Please keep in mind that may change depending on if the seller will allow this much time. 

Q: “You didn't reply, was I not on the list?”

A: If you sent me the word in the correct time, you would have been on the list. If I don't answer its because I have quite a few messages, but don't worry nobody is going unnoticed. I see all. 

Q: “Do you have the ticket physically”

A: No, I dont. A direct you to someone who does and is safe/reliable.  Think of me as a manager. 

Q: “If you manage to get tickets, will the name change to yours?”

A: No, I don't think the name will change. As far as I’m aware the person who first bought the ticket will have their name on it. 

Q: “Where exactly are you getting the tickets from”

A: Either someone has come to me saying they have some for sale, or I look for them myself through other platforms. 

Q: “For example, if I was able to get a ticket to the Sydney show with your help, will there be a problem when I show them the ticket at the venue...? Because I heard several people saying that they may not let you in if it doesn't have your name on it or something like that?”

A: From what I've heard is that its different for every place. Some people will only be allowed access if the person who originally bought the tickets is there with ID for proof. This is where we get the name ‘concertTeamUp’. So if someone is selling a ticket the buyer can tag along with the person who has their name on the ticket. This way you will be “Teaming Up” and going to the show together. Although some places also don't need for the person who originally bought the ticket with their name on it to be there. I would suggest calling and/or emailing the venue that you are planning to go to. We would hate for someone to get a ticket but not be allowed access. Let us know if you do contact the venues, we can then make a post about the guidelines for each place, if you guys wish. 

Q: “If I am matched but I don't respond right away, will it be given away to someone else?” 

A: No. I will wait for your response. If you don't need the ticket anymore I will give it to someone else though. 

Q: I sent a message but Im not sure you got it, you didn't reply.”

A: Most cases I have seen it, I just haven't had the chance to reply. I will get back to you as soon as I can. Again, I didn't realize my blog would be noticed as much as it is. So don't panic, I do see all.

Q: “I’m still confused”

A: Thats totally okay! Message me and I will try my best to help you understand! 

Q: “Are you selling two tickets at a time to one person?”

A: I understand people need more than one ticket, so I will try my best for you. If I have two available and you are chosen, you may be in luck.

Q: “Will you tell us details about the ticket?”

A: Normally I will tell you the amount of tickets, the place and the price. Its up to the seller on how much information is to be posted. 

Q: “Are trades available?”

A: Yes! Absolutely!

Q: “I don’t have very many places to share your blog.”

A: That is totally fine! You are not obligated to share my blog. This also does not effect your chances of being chosen for a ticket. 

Q: “Where should I share your blog?”

A: It’s completely up to you! Twitter is a good way, but honestly any form of sharing is good and very appreciated! Please don't feel pressured though.

Q: “Are there groups of people that I can tag along with?”

A: Yes! I can find you a match! Also feel free to try and start one! Let me know if you do! 

Q: “I know people looking for and buying tickets, should I tell them about you!”

A: Its up to you! It will definitely help though!

Q: “What cities have you sold to?”

A: I may be wrong but from what I remember its been, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Singapore, and New York. 

Q: ”Are you only selling tickets to certain cities?”

A: Whatever tickets for whatever shows find there way over here they will be posted. Im selling for all shows. 

Q: “If you have already sold a ticket for a show, will that be the only one?”

A: No, when more come they will be posted no matter how many times its been sold before on here.

Again I am trying my absolute best for all of you! I want this to be a place where we can connect to one another as fans. Thank you for submitting and also for paying attention. It truly does mean a lot, fingers crossed that I get you your ticket/s!

I hope this clears up some things! Again, please know Im always available for anything. These were the most asked questions, so If more come at a high rate I could make a Part 2. Also I apologize for the length of this post, I hope it helps though! x

Much love to you all, x

-CTU.

[nate-walsh]

cyrano / panda breeder

Last night, I met some coworkers out, moderately drunk, and coworker C––, exuberantly drunk, started lamenting her lack of progress with a particular boy crush of hers. No stranger to horrible crushes – and, as I said, not remotely sober – I quickly inserted myself into the proceedings to see if I could help. And boy did they need it.

So, she and the fellow in question met on Twitter (no judgment there – I’ve mined weirder depths), and while they eventually moved their conversations from @s to email @s, it had now been a YEAR since they started talking, without any additional forward progress.

“No, we’ve made progress,” C–– argued. “Check this out!” And she showed me an email:

Did you know that sneeze is 1/4 and orgasm? 

[ sic sic sic sic sic ]

“That really stepped things up for us,” she said proudly.

“He understood that?” 

(I read his reply. He did not.)

“OK, so where are you now?” I asked.

“Now I’m trying to make the switch from emailing to texting.”

“How’s that going?”

“That’s the problem! I totally put it out there in my last email, and he hasn’t responded!”

At which point she showed me a rambly paragraph where, yes, indeed she did sort of drop a hint by wondering aloud what it would take for them to start texting. But then, she immediately canceled said hint out by a) not providing her phone number and b) burying the lede within this whole long tangent about how she was a 75-year-old black paraplegic woman who only uses landlines.

“I don’t know what I would take away from this message,” I said. “It’s vague to the point of madness. Also insane to the point of madness. This will not achieve any of your objectives.”

So, then I asked if I could read back in their email history a little, get some context. A few messages in, and I started to get the read on things: They both liked each other, I could see that right away. They were just awkward. Like. Hellllllla awkward.

Like 2 horrible cage fighters perpetually circling each other, feigning shitty leg kicks, they were doing everything in the most roundabout, passive-aggressive, self-protective way possible, everything all cloaked in weirdness and humor, both afraid to make the first move. 

And, you know, obviously I have some familiarity with all of this, but never on the scale I was seeing here. A YEAR without anyone making a move? How is that even possible?

Luckily, it was also an imminently solvable problem, as far as I was concerned.

“You’ve gotta draw first blood, girl. Straightforward and earnest.”

“But I can’t,” she said.

“Do you want me to do it,” I asked.

“Yes.”

So I dashed off a quick thing, basically saying, “Yo, sorry, that last message was kind of vague. You should text me, was my point. Here’s my number.” And I thought that’d be it, they’d be off-and-running, makeouts on the horizon. C–– was panicking, of course, like, “He’s going to run off forever,” to which I responded, “No man in the history of the universe has ever responded negatively to an entreaty from a cute woman he likes. That doesn’t even make sense.”

OH.

LITTLE DID I KNOW.

In response to her explicit entreaty to text, dude EMAILS her back, giving HER HIS NUMBER INSTEAD, along with some half-joke of little importance I guess to soften the blow.

Now needing to rapidly revise my estimation of this dude’s lack of game exponentially upward, I try to stave off C––‘s panic by getting some background info. 

He is 33 years old.

He is a writer for a popular television cartoon that many people watch.

OK, WHAT

Now I am like actively offended. For all intents and purposes, he and I are the same person, in terms of years of potential dating experience and background skillset. You could very easily argue that he’s even better suited for this sort of thing, as he literally gets paid to be funny and charming for millions of people. I am not unsympathetic to his neuroses – I have many of the same ones: Fear of rejection, fear of overextending one’s self and bothering other humans (particularly women). But the scale we’re operating on right now is like nothing I’ve ever seen. HE DIDN’T JUST FUCKING TEXT? WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?

All right, drastic measures now.

“C––, I have some bad news. You’re going to have to be the boy in this relationship.”

“What!”

“I’m sorry, but this dude is like a black hole of flirtation ability, so you’re going to have to take on the role of the aggressor.”

“Oh God!”

“Here, I’ll just do it.”

So, for the rest of the evening, I am C––’s Cyrano, trying to establish a flow of conversation for the two of them, that they will be able to carry on in my absence. But this dude! Oh my fucking god. This man – this paid professional television comedy writer – sent the most boring texts I’ve ever seen in my life:

Just doing my dishes.

JESUS CHRIST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH THAT

HAVE YOU EVER EVEN HAD A CONVERSATION WITH A HUMAN ORGANISM

And, like, OK. I know what’s going on. Dude’s petrified. So much so that his brain is in total flight-or-fight mode, and it can’t remember how to be funny or interesting. I understand. That’s how it is with me and small talk. My brain freezes up, and all I can remember are boring pleasantries. BUT ALSO. Dude is a writer. This is the one place where he is supposed to shine, where he can take a little bit of extra time to think things through and craft the best, funniest, most flirty response. Just doing my dishes. What the fuck are you even doing.

“Um. Does this guy suck, C––? I don’t have a lot of data points yet, but it seems like he might suck.”

(He last boyfriend kind of actively sucked, so I’m wondering if she doesn’t have a type.)

But I keep soldiering on all the same, writing encouraging, flirty things for her that will hopefully get him out of his shell.

He goes to bed (those dishes and this incredible intellectual discourse really having worn him out), and I’m like, “It’s OK – tomorrow you’ll get into a flow, and things will start progressing. You just need to keep at it.”

Yeah, NOPE.

So, today, C–– IMs, because he texted, and I’m guiding her through their conversation, response by response, because she keeps not knowing how to respond to things, and he keeps saying weird, boring shit, and I’m seriously wishing I could just take over both sides of the conversation. (“I’ll let you know when it’s time to make out.”)

I feel like I’m trying to get 2 pandas to mate. I worry I’m going to have to speak through an earpiece on their first date, shout advice through the bedroom door (“OK, DUDE, MOVE TO SECOND BASE!”), write their damn vows for them. But now I’m invested. I will get these 2 lovable awktards together. I can do this.

So, dude asks her how she thinks their transition from email to text is going. And I’m like, “Oh, that’s a good sign! He is maybe trying to move toward a more straightforward, emotionally honest place. You should reward that!” So I have her say something a little confiding and conspiratorial and cute:

Oh, you know, a little awkward, but what isn’t for the two of us? I think it was time, though, and I’m glad we did! :)

She asks him the same question. His response?

It’s too early for me to tell.

lolololol

K I’M OUT

I am soooo fucking out

“Are you sure this guy doesn’t suck, C––? That is like THE rudest possible response.”

“Well, he did add lasers to the message.”

(Which, if you’re not familiar, in the iPhone text app, you can add different animated backgrounds to your message. And there is one that is kind of like rave-y lasers.)

Yeah. So. Now I have actively moved him onto the autism spectrum, and kind of completely give up hope.

“You’re on your own, girl. Maybe in like 80 years you’ll meet up, if you’re not dead.”

I feel for those panda breeders, man. They’re just trying and trying and those dopey-ass pandas keep not getting the picture and tumbling down hills adorably. And at a certain point, you’re kind of like, “Well, maybe some organisms deserve to be extinct. Maybe we just let this one go.” Boom. Naturally deselected.

[itcowcer]

Subject: Pumpkin Patch

Subject: Pumpkin Patch

Paul Holland paulyh@gmail.net 2:05 AM (6 hours ago) to Mark

Heeeeey Mark!

So I know it's been a while, and I wanted to give you a quick heads-up on what’s going on and why I haven’t sent any drafts in recent history. Let's be real, it’s been months. But I want you to know that I haven't just been laying around over here, and that I do have something planned to give to you. It's just not ready yet. Sorry :( Now I'm not trying to tease you; I've hit a wall. What I do have is a bunch of source materials which (I hope) will prove to you that I'm building something, potentially pretty big, for my next novel. That's Right!!!! I've been researching Mark!!!! Who would've thought I knew how. Anyways, I thought this might tide you over until the rough draft or, at the most, spur you to send some seed money..... ;) You will find the sources in the subsequent attachments to this email. I think they kind of speak for themselves, but if you need me to elaborate on what I'm thinking just shoot me a message and I will give you deets.

Pleasure as always [?]

Paul

Paul Holland paulyh@gmail.net 2:56 AM (5 hours ago) to Mark

Whoops! I forgot to attach the sources in that last message. Oh well, I will take better care to attach them this time. I figure I should go ahead and let you know what's going through my head right now, just so we are on the same page. First off, all of this is real. All of this stuff has apparently occurred or is currently occurring, and I've been able to pick up more bits and pieces the longer I've stayed in town (hence the long turn around). Where am I? I don't particularly want to tell you. For that reason I've redacted some information which might clue you into my whereabouts. I'm sure with a certain amount of cyber- sleuthing you'd be able to pinpoint my location, as some of the major points I just cannot change. However by that point I figure it will be too much work for you anyways. DO NOT COME AFTER ME! This story is too good for me to pass up on. I'm only messaging you as a courtesy, and to let you know that I haven't forgotten the money I owe you. I will hopefully be able to pay you back with this novel's completion.

Now onto content. I found this story, of all places, in the newspaper. Yeah it was this grotesque murder which had all of the city community in a hubbub. It was strange too, like ritualistic and such. I've included the short blurb I found in the newspaper, it should be the 3rd attachment. Of course I saved it. I wasn't sure where to go next with my writing and everyone loves true crime or at least a good murder mystery. Then, in the next week, I saw a couple other odd articles (I have attached them as well). One is a letter of resignation from one of the news paper's journalists, due to some kind of journalist ethical concern. Apparently he hasn’t been heard of since. Like completely disappeared. For some reason I was sure that the initial murder, and the later disappearance were related, though I couldn't figure how.

This forced me to dig a little further and I think what I found is captivating at least. Even if I'm grasping at straws I think it tells a compelling narrative, and might sell. I found a small interview, written by the Journalist that disappeared, in regards to a cultural movement within the city. As it turns out this place has a long history of creepy shit, like underground slave prisons, civil war ghosts, a history of catastrophic fires, train accidents, macabre poets, dilapidated asylums turned apartment complexes, and even a vampire legend. No kidding! The guy is entombed down at this old cemetery that overlooks the river. Well the interview is with a member of this group of artists, all of whom were trying to keep this inherent creepiness a part of the city's culture. Though she went by a code name, as all members of Pumpkin Patch do to remain anonymous (in this case kittykat666(=^.^=). I believed that she was the victim in the murder. Having contacted the victim’s parents, I asked if they knew anything about the group Pumpkin Patch. Only the mother would respond, with an invitation to meet with her. Though the meeting was brief, she gave me a series of her daughter's journal entries, a forwarded set of emails between her and her daughter on the topic, and permission to use these things in publishing my next book, so long as I didn't use her daughter's name.

 The first attachment is the newspaper interview with kittykat666(=^.^=) It describes really well what the group is about, and how it operates, and it shows you where I'm leaning for main characters (the girl and the journalist). I think it introduces everything well. The second is the girl's journal entries (at least the ones I've deemed relevant). All of these pertain to Pumpkin Patch and they really get you to see who this poor girl was and how she got sucked into this whole mess. The next attachment is the first article blurb I found, the one that describes the murder. The fourth attachment is the letter of resignation from the journalist who interviewed “Kat”. I figure I will just forward those emails that the mother sent to me. There aren't many of them, however there is some character building stuff there. You can see the loving family “Kat” and her mother had before. They also show how the two found Pumpkin Patch. Sorry in advance, the mother has no clue of grammar. I have also included one last attachment, which is unnerving and chilling when you understand how the group finds its inspiration. It's a series of screen shots I took from the group’s auction site. Here, they post a bunch of their work for buyers. They had just posted a new auction when I checked out the site page. Pay attention to the groups shared theme in the artwork.

Whew! That was a lot for an email! Let me know what you think! Paul

Paul Holland paulyh@gmail.net 2:59 AM (5 hours ago) to Mark

-_____-

Paul

Attachment 1, Attachment 2, Attachment 3, Attachment 4, Attachment 5 

 Paul Holland paulyh@gmail.net 3:08 AM (5 hours ago) to Mark

Weird. Someone just rang the door bell to my apartment. I went to go check and no one was there. I'm a little unnerved, especially given what I've just sent you (that subject matter which is still fresh in my mind). I'm not entirely sure it's nothing, but realistically it’s probably nothing so I'm going to get these emails to you and then cool off. Here you go,

Paul

forwarded message

From: [************] To: paulyh@gmail.net Cc: Sent: [, * *** **** ::**] Subject: opportunities ;)

Hey Kit Kat i hope everything is going better. i know that finding friends can be rough in college but im sure there are a ton of great clubs over there. Just get off your little butt and look!!!! :p only teasing. Also your father should be put that money back into ur college fund. Evidently he needed to buy his new gal pal a car lol. The man's no good! Either way i will make sure everything is all set, u just worry about school work and meeting people and HAVING FUN!!! Let me know if you need anything, im just a phone call away!!!

Love, Mom

. . .

Resp:opportunities ;)

Thanks Mom. Everything is fine, I was just a little worried because the tuition bill is overdue and it needs to be paid in order for me to sign up for classes next semester. He's buying her a CAR!!!!! SMH! SMDH! But my classes are going well. I actually turned in my first couple of paintings and the professor really liked them. He told me I thought out of the box, already had a unique style, and that I should keep pushing myself. He said that I might run into trouble when we start doing other forms, but that he'd help me if I need it. I thought that the class wouldn't like my work or be weirded out, but all in all I got good responses and helpful critiques. Some people in my class invited me to hangout, idk I might go.

. . .

Resp:resp:opportunities ;)

Oh kitty thats great! im glad your classes are going well. And you should SPEND TIME WITH THOSE CLASSMATES!!! Jeeesh!!! Also i am not sure what SMH stands for. i tried to think but cant. :( i did some looking because i knew u wouldnt and i found a club that you might enjoy. They are artists in the area who have auction events, have group meetings and they seem to do a lot in the area. it might be the kind of thing to set u on an art career, if thats what u want to do. i just happened to hear about them and i looked up their site. A lot of their work looks right up ur alley! There is a submission section on their page, and maybe u can send in some of you drawings? i was surprised by how much they were selling for, and i think a lot of ur work is better. I will send you the link. There called the Pumpkin Patch. Thats kinda cute!

Love ya! Mom

. . .

Resp:resp:resp:opportunities ;)

Yeah I'll look it up and send something in. I'll also try hanging out with my class, I'm not sure what we will be doing. Thank you for everything. Love you Too! P.s. SMH is Shaking My Head.

forwarded message

From: [************] To: paulyh@gmail.net Cc: Sent: [, * *** **** ::**] Subject: Pumpkin Patch

Remember that group you were talking about? Pumpkin Patch. I submitted one of my works and it got accepted. I think you'd remember the one, it had that spider made out of sewing needles and thimbles, strung up in a wire web, the one that I got an award for in school. The group admin sent me an email and wanted to know why I wanted to join the group so I kinda bullshitted an answer and I guess they liked it. I'm supposed to go to a meeting with them, however I have to wear a mask and create an artist name which is kind of weird. I guess they want all the artists to be anonymous even to each other. I told them that that made me uncomfortable, but they assured me that the meeting will be on campus. I'm going to see what it is and drop it if its too sketch. I guess most meetings are online, but bimonthly meetings are in person.

. . .

Resp:Pumpkin Patch

Kit Kat. Idk this sounds a little scary. i wish i had known all that before i sent you the link. Be careful there are a lot of weirdos out there and i dont want u to get hurt. u are a grown women and i hope you will use you best discretion. There is always your classmates, and maybe starting a group with them would be better for you. How did that go with them? I expect you to call me soon.

Be safe, Mom

. . .

Resp:resp:Pumpkin Patch

Please don't freak out but I ended up going to that meeting. It was cool though. We kind of just sat around, discussing what the next theme will be, what scary movies we like that kind of thing. We also planned a little get together at a museum. There are a couple other girls there so I think it's fine. I kind of know one of the people in the group too, although I'm not supposed to. He was actually one of the guys I hung out with last week. He's not in my art class but he is a year above us so everyone knows him. He sort of let it slip that he was in the Pumpkin Patch when we were all hanging out. He assured me that it wasn't going to be weird and that the mask thing was more like a gimmick than anything else, to make the group interesting. That night with my class was fun too, we just sat around a fire pit talking, eating hot dogs, sharing stories. Somebody had a guitar and they all started singing these old songs. They are a good group. I'm going to spend time with them again.

. . .

Resp:resp:resp:Pumpkin Patch

Well im glad that you had a good time. Just remember to be careful, and that u dont have to do anything u dont want to, and CALL YOUR MOTHER. Also im glad you met some nice people. Is there anyone I should be meeting anytime soon? ;)

Please call, I worry Mom

forwarded message

From: [************] To: paulyh@gmail.net Cc: Sent: [, * *** **** ::**] Subject: What's Up!!!

Hello Kathryn? Im not sure if you remember me, however im YOUR MOTHER! What's been going on? u haven't called me in a while. I hope you've started thinking about housing for next year. Dont worry about the price its all being paid for by ur father. Also I see that you have another exhibition thingy coming up with your Pumpkin Patch. Im thinking about coming down and rooting u on, seeing as u failed to mention the last one. What do you think?

. . .

Resp:What's Up!!!

Yeah I've been looking at some places. Some friends and I are thinking about getting an apartment together a little off campus. I will let you know what we find. Also that first exhibition wasn't a big thing, and I didn't think you'd want to miss work for it. This next one's not a big deal either and I'm not even going to be there, we aren't supposed to associate with or present our work in order to retain the whole aura of mystery. We can still check it out if you want, we just can't let anyone know that I'm a collaborating artist. Also I can't tell you which work is mine, sorry. :/ We can go to this nice little french restaurant after. I just went there recently with a close friend of mine, it just might be my favorite place in town now :3. Let me know when you're in the area.

forwarded message

From: [************] To: paulyh@gmail.net Cc: Sent: [, * *** **** ::**] Subject: New Exhibition

Hey Mom, I know that there is another exhibition coming up, however I'd prefer that you didn't come to this one. I had fun last time, it's just that I don't think I'd be comfortable with you being there. Also I've decide to leave the group. I just didn't like where it was going and it didn't feel the same as when we first started. That's part of the reason why this latest exhibition would be no good. Also things are falling through at the apartment so I'm trying to find another one for the rest of the semester. I'll send you the places I've found. So far the rent will only be slightly more expensive. Also my roommates already have someone lined up to sublet so we don't have to worry about paying for two places. I will call you soon, and I love you.

Kat

Mark Gergich mgergich@gmail.net 7:13 AM (1 hour ago) to Paul

Paul,

I just read through everything you’ve emailed me. The forwards, the attachments... everything. Paul Pick up the phone, let me know where you are, I am concerned. I think you may have stumbled onto something that needs to be taken care of by the police. Please Paul. Do not write this book. Don't worry about debts you think you owe me, I'm not worried about that I just want you to come out of this safely without a target on your back. You need to STOP writing this book.

Your friend and publisher, Mark

Paul Holland paulyh@gmail.net 8:06 AM (3 Minutes ago) to Mark

Mark,

He says I can’t.

Paul