#I just now realized I've been reading your url wrong my entire life

[familyvideostevie]

hello! don’t know why but i felt the need to bare my feelings to you tonight. you don’t have to respond to this or anything but this has been simmering in my brain for far too long now.

here it goes!!! i miss you. it’s that simple really. you are one of the first few people in this app that i struck up a friendship with. you are humble and so very nice and i love talking to you and checking up on you even if it was once a month. talking to you always, always brightened my day. honestly don’t know where it went wrong. at one point, i realized that you weren’t following me anymore. i didn’t really care because you said in an ask that tumblr was glitching and would make you unfollow blogs even if that wasn’t your intention. i believed that! we still continued to talk, but i noticed that you never followed me again and that your replies weren’t as enthusiastic. i know that you are busy with your own life so i chalked it up to that (i’m busy with mine too), but when you would speak to other people, it just felt different. so i started thinking i did something wrong, but i seriously don’t know what. i wish i had the courage to get off of anon and talk to you about this but then again it’s probably nothing to you and i’m definitely overreacting and overthinking. i don’t know. we’re probably too old for this but i treasure my friendships so much that drifting apart with anyone is as painful as a break up. even if we only know each other through the internet.

if it’s something i did, i’m sorry. if i am overthinking, i’m sorry too because i had to make you read through this entire thing. i just really wanted to get this off of my chest. i also wrote this at 3 am so forgive me. that’s it i think! i wish you all the best and i’ll keep on supporting you!

wow! hello! i'm going to put this reply under the cut because it's long (like, longer than many fics i write). you are under no obligation to read this! but as you've shared your feelings with me i thought i'd do the same.

i will be really honest with you, since you have been honest with me: this stressed me out a lot. reading it was like feeling my heart sink deeper and deeper in my chest with every word. i have been on the internet for a long time but it was not until i started this blog last year that i really began to interact with people in a meaningful way. i've been in and out of fandom spaces and never really clicked with anyone, never been brave enough to chat or share myself the way i have here with the fics i write and the conversations i have on the dash and through dms. this entire time i've been very conscious of how i behave -- or at least i've tried to be -- and that includes not starting/being a part of drama, apologizing when i think i've messed up, and setting my own/abiding by other people's boundaries.

so, all that to say, the feelings that you've expressed here are my worst nightmare. i don't think i'm going to apologize, since i don't think i've done anything wrong, but i will explain myself and the way i use tumblr/think about internet friendships.

first of all, this is not my main blog! it's entirely possible that i do follow you but it's a different url (which i am happy to tell people if they ask me for it privately), so you might not realize.

second of all, i've been on tumblr since 2011 (rough estimate). over a decade later i only follow 110 blogs. that fluctuates! when i'm really into something i will follow accounts that post about that thing, and then sometimes when i'm less into that thing, i unfollow them. when a blog hasn't posted for ~6 months, i unfollow them to keep things tidy (a method of control that has no reason, just my brain being my brain!). when a blog i've followed for years starts posting about something i dont like or care about all that much and know i won't get into/expresses an opinion i maybe don't like/says something i dont vibe with, i might unfollow them! sometimes i block tags but i prefer my dash to be clean and full of stuff i do want to see so often i just unfollow. tumblr, to me, is a place i come to get out of my own head and to distract from reality a little bit and always has been long before i started writing on here. so i am very liberal with the unfollow button and 99.9% of the time it's not personal.

expanding on that. re: unfollowing you. i have never been a part of mutual culture until this blog. i didn't really get it at first but then it became a useful tool for getting my work seen and for supporting the work of others. but as i got bigger (a relative term here, i do not consider my blog to be big), i started to see how mutuals can be kind of a cliquey thing socially and also instill a sense of obligation to people, so i've tried to steer away from that language and stopped attributing following/not following someone as an approval or as a sort of key in the door of online friendship. i want anyone who wants to talk to me to feel like they can! but at the same time i don't follow everyone i speak to and it's not personal. i do not expect anything from the people who follow me in terms of reblogs or likes or anything, even the ones i talk to often, because i think we are all here for ourselves and for our own enjoyment and i don't want to take away from that (in addition, i have barely been reading fics, even those written by dear friends and blogs i adore, so my attention/engagement is low as a default).

but it seems that maybe i have done so for you anyway. so, coming clean. a few months ago i unfollowed a bunch of blogs. some of them were mutuals! mutuals i've spoken to, mutuals whose work i've enjoyed, all that jazz (though i have accidentally unfollowed people before -- that happened today, actually, with a friend!) it is possible you were one of those people. my reasons are mostly related to what i've already said -- some people post a lot of asks, which i dont love scrolling through, some people start writing content i don't care for, etc. oftentimes the content of theirs that i do want to see ends up on my dash anyway, which is great for me (and fairly often i'll pop onto those blogs myself and see what they've been up to using my best friend, the search bar)! so, if this is you, that's that. i unfollowed you and it's not personal and it does not mean we cannot still talk or be friendly or even friends, but i understand if it means that for you.

i realize that not everyone places the same limited weight on folllows as i do and that an unfollow hurts. in that case i urge you to talk to me about it. this happened to me in real life. on my personal instagram account i unfollow people all the time because if they don't post a lot or i don't talk to them often i don't see a need to see what's up with their lives. one time i unfollowed someone i went to college with and it upset him! he asked a mutual friend of ours to ask me why i did it. i said, oh! i didn't realize it was a big deal, i had no malicious intent behind it, i'm happy to follow him again if it means that much. so i did! i'd have preferred he came to me, obviously, but no harm done in the end. i wish this is what you had done.

but i digress. i would like to call out this part of your message:

i know that you are busy with your own life so i chalked it up to that (i’m busy with mine too), but when you would speak to other people, it just felt different. so i started thinking i did something wrong, but i seriously don’t know what. i wish i had the courage to get off of anon and talk to you about this but then again it’s probably nothing to you and i’m definitely overreacting and overthinking.

you are right that i am busy! and the way you say you're feeling is a way i've felt before, for sure. but people cannot know what you're feeling unless you tell them. i am hurt that you think i don't care and that this is nothing. yes, we are all strangers online but i really hope that i haven't given the impression that i don't care about people's feelings and how my actions affect them because that's not true at all. internet friendships are hard! the lines are blurry and i will be the first to admit that. but i really implore you to talk to people about how you are feeling because that's how you maintain friendships and show respect for the people in your life -- open and honest communication. it only benefits everyone, even if things don't work out. i like to think that we can do things that are hard or scary for the sake of the people we care about.

a friend, when i asked about how to reply to this message, told me that sometimes friendships do just drift. people change and priorities change and that's okay, it's part of life. i know it's hard and it doesn't get easier but it's also life. but personally, you sending this on anon does not signal to me that you want to repair this, as it doesn't actually solve anything. and that makes me sad.

anyway! i think that's quite enough. feel free to come speak to me, i really really welcome it. if you've read this far you might think that i'm overreacting, or if you're reading this and it's not about you, you might think that, too! i tried to cover everything i could think of but im a little flustered and not sure any of this makes sense.

you guys, i really only want my blog to be somewhere where you feel like you can be yourselves and be honest and hopefully also respectful. there's been a lot of weird shit going on and i have luckily been treated very well on here by all of you and i am grateful for that.

to everyone else, i love you, thank you for always being kind to me.

[chefboyard-bag]

@immortalsapphics got me

coke or pepsi? coke

disney or dreamworks? dreamworks ftw

coffee or tea? coffee

books or movies? Younger me would said books all the way, but I struggle to get myself to finish books now, so I guess movies

windows or mac? windows.. like duh

dc or marvel? I definitely read more DC as a kid, but I was briefly on a geek-ass podcast and my role was to be the "well actually" guy, so I know way more Marvel lore

x-box or playstation? PC, my most recent-gen console is a 360

dragon age or mass effect? Never played either

night owl or early riser? Can't wake up well to save my life, I don't hit my stride until like 6pm

cards or chess? I'm impressively good at losing every chess game I've ever played, but I'll take your car in hold 'em

chocolate or vanilla? I used to be the death-by-chocolate type, but honestly vanilla slaps

vans or converse? I rock both, but only the old-school, modern style shoes suck ass

Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar? Is Dragon Age like explicitly Irish, or is it just a coincidence?

fluff or angst? angst all day

beach or forest? Swamp baybeeee

dogs or cats? cats fur sure

clear skies or rain? I can fucks with the rain, but I needs me some clear days

cooking or eating out? The URL ain't a joke, I throw down in the kitchen

spicy food or mild food? I don't vibe with spice that is just pain for the sake of hurt, but gimme that tastee heat

halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas? My entire apartment is permanently halloween themed

would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot? I guess a little cold? Idk the older I get the more I realize anything outside of 69-73°F and I'm uncomfortable

if you could have a superpower, what would it be? Time manipulation

animation or live action? animation, but like it's gotta be well done

paragon or renegade? McScuse me?

baths or showers? showers, but baths can be a beautiful thing when the chronic pain is especially bad

team cap or team ironman? they were both wrong

fantasy or sci-fi? sci-fi, as long as it's scientifically accurate

do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so what are they? that's too many words, but "this world might be cruel, but I'm still kickin" has legit kept me around

youtube or netflix? youtube, love me them dumbass videos

[REDACTED] yeah fuck it why not

when do you feel accomplished? LMAO as if I've ever experienced that emotion

star wars or star trek? idk I've never been big into either

paperback books or hardcover books? Love me the sensory experience of a hardcover, but most of my books are paperback

to live in a world without literature or without music? You're really gonna ask a multi-instrumentalist to give up music?

who was the last person to make you laugh? Everyone thinks I'm funny, then they meet my partner..

city or countryside? country without a doubt, been living in a huge city for 6 years now and every single person here can fuck off and die. I miss the farm

favorite chips? Cape Cod

pants or dresses? I can rock the hell out of a dress, but designers hate women and the functionality of pants can't be beat

libraries or museums? *sweats profusely* I.. I . don't know

character driven stories or plot driven stories? Depends on how it's sold, I typically lean towards plot, but I'll read an entire book of pure characterization if it's actually interesting and relevant

bookmarks or folding pages? bookmarks but I can never find mine, so dog-ear it is

Dream job? One of those executive positions that pays $600k to sit on your ass and do nothing

What gives you comfort? SLEEP

what are some of your favorite song lyrics? "In this god-fearing land there ain't no lodging for the mad, and you can't get high enough to breathe before you drown"

favorite ice cream flavor ever? OTTER PAWS 🐾

first fandom? I can genuinely say I've never been a member of any fandom

top artist of this year? LMFAO I'm a top 2% listener of the Kermitment podcast

Got tagged by @dingbingbats

Rapid fire questions go

coke or pepsi? Bepsi :)

disney or dreamworks? Dreamworks have dragons so

coffee or tea? Coffee for utility tea for pleasure

books or movies? You can't make me choose

windows or mac? Windows, Mac scares me

dc or marvel? DC ig, I like Harlivy

x-box or playstation? PC and Nintendo consoles

dragon age or mass effect? Never played either of them

night owl or early riser? Born to night owl forced to early rise

cards or chess? Cards, I suck at chess :(

chocolate or vanilla? Depends, mostly chocolate though

vans or converse? Vans are more comfy but I love my Converse to death

Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar? Don't speak French

fluff or angst? BOTH

beach or forest? Forest

dogs or cats? Both are lovely beasts but I have a slight cat bias

clear skies or rain? Rain 100%, not to be too emo but I love the sensation of raindrops falling on my back

cooking or eating out? Cooking all the way if it wasn't for executive dysfunction

spicy food or mild food? I like it a bit spicy. Like "spicy at a Turkish restaurant" not "spicy at an Indian restaurant"-levels

halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas? Halloween:)

would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot? The latter is just menopause so that one ig???

if you could have a superpower, what would it be? Shapeshifting or invisibility, you're on the trans loser website

animation or live action? Animation

paragon or renegade? Don't speak Italian

baths or showers? Showers

team cap or team ironman? Unchecked nationalism or hypercapitalist libertarianism. Captain America I guess because I cannot imagine a single emotionally resonant story that could be told with the current iteration of Ironman

fantasy or sci-fi? fantasy but I've been getting more into sci-fi lately

do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so what are they? The Sappho quote, you know the one;"[…]Heaven and hell are the same but in heaven they feed each other";The good ol' Memento Mori

youtube or netflix? Youtube

[REDACTED] 👍

when do you feel accomplished? God has cursed me for my hubris, and my work is never finished.

star wars or star trek? Horny Space Fleet

paperback books or hardcover books? hardcover, I'm too clumsy for paperbacks

to live in a world without literature or without music? You cannot meaningfully separate one from the other

who was the last person to make you laugh? Probably the dingus who tagged me

city or countryside? city

favorite chips? Those corn based chrupki that come in bags the size of a small child

pants or dresses? Pants

libraries or museums? Libraries

character driven stories or plot driven stories? Character driven

bookmarks or folding pages? Bookmarks

Dream job? They should pay me for being a special little boy, so ig Court Jester

What gives you comfort? Art, friends, pillows to hug

what are some of your favorite song lyrics? My theology/ I like to know that he's watching me/ Fulfill me up like a prophecy/ put the fear of God in me ; Sodom & Gomorrah by Dorian Electra my beloved

favorite ice cream flavor ever? Can't go wrong with mango

first fandom?

tagging others, add your own new question at the end if you follow up:

@vikugnavikugna @vzajemnik @nectadraws @sephinot @immortalsapphics @randomarcher2013 @asphyxi-art

[bardicbeetle]

it's been a while, but i hope you've been taking care of yourself. i look forward to whatever story updates you have, if you're still doing that in the future. all the best <3

<3

I've been trying to. It's been a slog doing it, but I'm getting there.

I have a desk to work at again! Which, is usually better for my productivity than writing in bed. And I have precariously propped my binder full of old draft notes and chapters marked up for editing so that I can actually get new updates out.

For draft number... uhhh.

draft 13. (this number is a lie that I have chosen to pull out of thin air, I have rewritten this mess more than 13 times, but for the sake of my own sanity, 13)

I've got a few handfuls of snips ready to post, I just want to get everything organized first.

I really love posting my work here, and I look forward to getting back to it.

Thank you for sticking with me all this time <3

- J